In the months following my alleged murder of Carl Sagan, I noticed a lot of TV specials about how great the late Bob Hope used to be back when he was alive. The only problem was that he was alive (still is as of this writing, too!) Everyone clearly figured that he was done for and was hoping that he'd kick the bucket before their special hit the air. (The most painful was "Laughing With The Presidents", where someone held him up as he stood in a replica Oval Office, and then told him the first half of a joke so that he could haltingly recite the punchline.) And then it hit me: I was getting annoyed by all these weepy tributes because they went on and on (because he just wouldn't die! and I realized that I would have felt this way even if it had been a funny comedian at death's door. But to me, Bob Hope is in the same category as Jay Leno or the Three Stooges: a potent force for lameness. Too much was too much. Something had to be done. I called for the death of Bob Hope.
I had previously attempted to cash in on the Hopemania by predicting his imminent demise (in 1996) with my awesome psychic powers, but when that didn't happen, I simply demanded that the Universe at large bump him off. And to this day, it hasn't worked.
I should explain that the memes related to the deaths of Carl Sagan and Bob Hope may be the sickest ones ever promulgated on alt.religion.kibology, and probably the products of a diseased mind. Like Orbitz.
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May 13, 2000
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