The original alt.religion.kibology FAQ, which was used from 1991 to 1993, was long and contained many useful answers. Needless to say, it was discontinued in 1993. It took four years to prepare the newer, shorter, less coherent one displayed on this page.
Last revised 7/13/97
WARNING: THESE QUESTIONS HAVE BEEN ASKED OF JAMES "KIBO" PARRY BY THE READERS OF ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY. ASKING KIBO STUPID QUESTIONS WILL GET SERIOUS REPLIES, AND VICE VERSA. FORTUNATELY, A.R.K READERS ASK QUESTIONS WHICH ARE BEYOND STUPID.
IS THIS QUESTION GOING TO BE IN THE FAQ?
Not until the next edition.
IS THIS FAQ GOING TO BE ANONYMOUS SO I CAN SAY MATT McIRVIN IS A DOODY HEAD?
Yes, Mr. Vert.
WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT BETWEEN...
(A) KIBO AND SUPERMAN?
(B) KIBO AND JESUS?
(C) KIBO AND XIBO?
(D) KIBO AND BILL GATES?
(E) KIBO AND PICARD?
(a) Kibo, because Superman doesn't know his own strength.
(b) Kibo, because Jesus would be too nice to beat him up. Also he'd be busy answering other people's prayers, and BAM! Kibo would sneak up on him. Kibo sneaks up on everyone.
(c) Kibo, because Xibo is evil. Good always wins over evil, except in gym class.
(d) Kibo, see above answer.
(e) Kibo, because he's as talented as William Shatner, of whom Picard is insanely jealous.
WHAT FONT AM I USING?
Deeyenda Extra Normal.
WOULD KIBO HAVE WON THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR ROSS PEROT?
If it hadn't been for Ross Perot, Kibo would never have had the idea to run as a "wacky" candidate!
WHY IS EVERYONE ON USENET SO RUDE TO ME AND WHY DO THEY KEEP SAYING I'M SHOUTING?
Usenet does it automatically.
WHAT IS THE BEST POINTING DEVICE?
Kibo has patented a computer which is a mouse. If you want your computer to go into a folder, you simply slide it across the floor and put it in the filing cabinet. The computer will sense this motion and on its screen it will show a folder opening. To go to a web site, just roll the computer over to the site (the sturdy casters will withstand up to 5,000 miles of highway potholes.)
I HAVE THIS RASH ON MY MIDDLE FINGER. IS IT NATURAL, OR HAVE I BEEN HYPNOTIZED TO DO PERVERTED THINGS?
Depends on the rash. If it's shaped like the Kraft cheese logo, your finger has turned evil and must be replaced with a friendly one. If the rash is just shaped like a rash, then it will probably go away someday, unless you die first.
I'm writing a FAQ.
HOW CAN WE MAKE ELLEN DeGENERES GO BACK TO SLEEPING WITH GUYS AGAIN?
Hey, if Disney wanted to do that, they've got the money. How much money would it take to get YOU to change your sexual orientation? Now add a dollar to that. That's how much Disney could offer you.
PEOPLE KEEP SAYING "IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, AND I THINK YOU DO", BUT I DON'T. HELP?
You're thinking about socks, the kind that get smaller and fuzzier every time you wash them. The seeming comfort of fuzzy socks obscures the fact that they're getting smaller and smaller, gradually reducing your feet to BEEF JERKY STRIPS!
IS THERE REALLY A SANTA CLAUS?
There was, but one of his reindeer exploded over the ocean and his body was never found. Investigators believe that Rudolph's nose may have been a bomb planted by Ronald McDonald.
MY FUDGE WON'T STOP BLEEDING!
Apply a cold poultice. If you don't have a cold poultice, use a wet noodle. If all else fails, take it to your local fudginarian.
WHAT IS YOUR COMPLETE SEXUAL HISTORY, INCLUDING NAMES AND MEASUREMENTS?
If we were to construct a graph from the available data, we would see that "it" is now several inches longer than it was when I was born. Extrapolating from this data, we will find that when I am seventy, I will be the studliest guy ever, especially compared to YOU at seventy.
WHAT'S THE BEST SCREEN SAVER?
Black spray paint.
WHAT'S THE PORNO MOVIE WITH THE MOST LITERARY MERIT?
"2001: A Space Odyssey". I mean, if the heavy breathing doesn't turn you on, I don't know *what* will.
WHAT'S THE BEST PORNO SCREEN SAVER?
Black spray paint. Especially if you don't have a monitor.
DID YOU REALLY BITE THE HEAD OFF A LIVE BAT IN CONCERT?
First, I have never bitten the head off a live bat WHILE IN CONCERT. Second, it was later reattached by my grandfather, Al Lewis.
WHAT DID IT TASTE LIKE?
I couldn't really tell; I burned my tongue breathing fire that night.
I MEANT THE PORNO SCREEN SAVER.
It tasted like a cardboard cutout of a picture of a diagram of a simulated TV transmission. You know, like Pez without the chemicals.
(IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: HEY, THERE'S SOMETHING ON YOUR LEG.)
WHY DOES KIBO WANT ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD?
So he can roll around on the pile shouting "Look at me! I have candy! La la la!" and then find something else to do while everyone else cries because they have no candy.
DOES "ALL THE CANDY IN THE WORLD" INCLUDE CANDY CORN?
Only the little white bits at the end where all the sugar bran is.
IS IT OKAY TO STEAL JUST ONE PIECE OF CANDY FROM THE BINS AT THE MARKET?
Yes, but only if it's candy corn.
HEY, KIBO, GOT ANY NAKED PICTURES OF YOUR WIFE, TV'S TALENTED AND DYNAMIC CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN?
WANT TO BUY SOME?
I'll trade you all the candy in the world for all the nude photos in the world.
WILL I GO TO HELL IF I MAKE PRANK CALLS TO "DIAL-A-PRAYER" LINES?
Not if you also call a prank line and say a prayer.
WHAT'S THE STANDARD PENANCE FOR MAKING PRANK CALLS?
No candy corn for five minutes.
WHAT'S THE STANDARD PENANCE FOR MOUTHING OFF TO KIBO?
Candy corn for a week.
IF ROSIE O'DONNELL WRESTLED ROSEANNE BARR, WHO WOULD WIN?
Nobody in the whole world.
SOMEONE BROKE MY COPY OF NETSCAPE. CAN KIBO FIX IT?
Why would he want to do that? It's a lot easier to break these things, and more fun.
WHAT IS ANTI-NOUGAT AND WHERE CAN I GET SOME?
Taguon is made from Reverson-Z-12, which can be mined only in the core of the planet Batman, named after a mythological figure popular in the sixties.
DUCK SEASON OR RABBIT SEASON?
Heh-heh-heh. Boys, you're both right! The President just changed the Constitution to let anyone murder any cartoon character they want! And it includes Chris Farley, too!
I WANT TO WATCH KIBO ON TV. WHY ISN'T HE ON THE CHANNEL I'M WATCHING RIGHT NOW?
Kibo's not on one of the channels you can watch. He's on one of the channels you can FEEL. The Special Channel. You don't need a TV set to get The Special Channel, you just have to stand in the middle of a busy intersection with your hands over your head, which must be wrapped in aluminum foil. If you concentrate real hard, you may PICK UP SOMETHING!
ARE CANADIANS PEOPLE LIKE US?
Yes, except for William Shatner and his hair.
IS A TOMATO REALLY FRUIT?
No, because fruits are solid. A tomato, being an ugly bag of mostly water, is a giant thalidomide ameba.
SHOULD I GET A PENTIUM II OR WAIT FOR THE PENTIUM III?
Why bother? Get one of Intel's new edible processors like the Baconium.
YOU'VE MENTIONED CANDY CORN, TOMATOES, AND BACON. IS THIS GOING TO TURN INTO A BAD RELISH RECIPE?
Yes. Take six strips of bacon, crumbled, four ripe tomatoes shaped like the Pope's nose, dice (the tomatoes, not the nose), and two pounds of candy corn. Add vinegar and corn syrup to taste; sprinkle with garlic and dill. Mix in a toy cement mixer. Then put a fire cracker inside it and put a paper bag over your head.
WAS YOUR LIFE CHANGED BY NBC'S "SEAQUEST DSV?"
Yes, it made it seem longer.
HAS KIBO EVER KISSED TAMAGOTCHI?
Kibo likes to eat them for breakfast. With a heaping mound of candy corn slaw and pork sung. What's pork sung, you ask? Imagine the best qualities of bacon and cotton candy TOGETHER AT LAST! Then imagine their other qualities together. That's pork sung. It complements a Tamagotchi nicely, especially if the Tamagotchi's deep-fried.
SHOULD PETE ROSE BE BACK IN BASEBALL?
I don't think he'd fit in a baseball, but if it were possible, I'm sure you'd see lots of players hitting homers.
ARE YOU DISAPPOINTED BY THE COVERAGE YOUR SECRET MARRIAGE TO TV'S HARD-WORKING AND VIVACIOUS CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN HAS GOTTEN IN THE TABLOID PAPERS?
Yes, particularly when they leave it out to print another story about that damn Bob Hope!
IF I WERE TO IMAGINE YOU WITH A REFINED ENGLISH ACCENT, WOULD I BE DISAPPOINTED WHEN MEETING YOU?
Oh, so it was the accent all those times...
KIBO: BOXERS OR BRIEFS?
I like to cruise the Internet nuuuuude while skiing down a mountain biting into a York Peppermint Patty as the cool wind blows around me, WHOOSH!
WHAT WAS SCHENECTADY LIKE IN THE OLDEN DAYS, AND HOW MANY PEOPLE DIED AS A RESULT?
Schenectady was like a great big kitty litter box with a General Electric factory in the middle of it. I can't say how many people died, but Thomas Edison did get deaf, cranky, and insane. They say Henry Ford caught his last breath in a glass tube and used it to make a toilet float. Also way back then they used to drive those weird old cars they drove before they invented the car.
IS HELVETICA ALLOWED?
WHAT ABOUT ARIAL?
Only the letters which don't look like Helvetica. Of course, this means you can only use words made out of the letters a, G, and Q.
IF LUKE SKYWALKER HADN'T BLOWN UP THE DEATH STAR, WOULD THE SEAQUEST STILL BE COMMANDED BY RICHARD BASEHART AND DAVID "AL" HEDISON?
I'll tell you one thing: if you were in the bottom of the Death Star and you fell into that big shaft, you'd fall upwards, because everyone knows that artificial gravity on Death Stars comes from the center. That's where the anti-nougat is stored, in the creamy center of the Death Star.
DOES FASTER-THAN-LIGHT TRAVEL INVOLVE GOING BACK IN TIME?
According to Star Trek, if you go faster than light, it looks like a bunch of rainbows, but according to Babylon 5, if you go faster than light, it looks like you're going into an infinitely long ice-cream cone. The truth is, when you go faster than light, it looks like creamed corn, and smells like bacon.
IS KIBO MAKING ALL THE FOOD CALLBACKS BECAUSE HE'S HUNGRY?
Mmmmmm, creamed corn. I remember an "I Love Lucy" episode where Lucy was trying to make creamed corn but she got into a fight with the other woman stomping on corn in the vat and they beat each other up and it was a special six-hour episode. Then Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell wrestled in it and then Fonzie said "Heyyyyy... SIT ON IT!" and then the picture revolved. It was the best "National Geographic" special ever.
HOW DO I UNSUBSCIRBE FROM THIS LIST?
You don't, you unsubscribe from a duck.
WHY DO YOU DENY YOU ARE IN LEAGUE WITH THE CIA, KGB, FBI, NSA, AND MI6 BEAMING PICTURES OF NAKED GIRLS INTO MY DENTAL FILLINGS?
It's not a beam, dammit! It's more of a squiggly zigzag ray.
WHICH TELETUBBY IS KIBO'S FAVORITE?
Poker, the one who keeps throwing lawn darts at the eyes of the others.
WHAT IF THE SOUTH HAD WON THE ENGLISH CIVIL WAR?
Hitler would be the nicest guy on the planet. He'd spend all day trying to kill the most evil person on the planet, Bob Hope! Okay, so the part about Bob Hope wouldn't be different from everyday life.
AM I BEING TROLLED?
I don't know. Did you check the tag I sewed into your underwear?
WHAT EXACTLY WAS THE PSYCHO-SEXUAL DYNAMIC OF THE ELETRAWOMAN AND DYNAGIRL RELATIONSHIP?
You people have such dirty minds. Dynagirl was the top.
WHO PLAYED CENTER FIELD FOR THE BROOKLYN DODGERS IN 1066?
Michael Broughton. He is still remember for his technique of the twirling accidental catch.
WHY DON'T YOU LIKE CHEEZ?
Because if they can't figure out how to spell it they can't figure out how to make it non-toxic.
WHY DOES DR PEPPER COME IN A BOTTLE? WHY DID MR PIBB FLUNK OUT OF GRAD SCHOOL?(a) I don't know! and (b) because they were grading on a curve and they ran out of diplomas right after Matt McIrvin, who had the lowest GPA ever of any graduate student at The University Of Carbo Nation.
WHY IS THE SKY BLUE ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT?It's not really blue. It's actually another color called gloxym. Human beings perceive gloxym as blue and vice versa. To learn more, go to the mirror to see what you look like asleep.
STOP SCREWING AROUND. DO YOU ACTUALLY LIKE MENTOS OR NOT?
I only like even-numbered Mentos. You see, half their assembly line is run by chimpanzees, and the ones without that tangy chimp flavor just don't thrill me any more. That and the fact that they're Mentos.
COMPUTE, TO THE LAST DECIMAL PLACE, THE VALUE OF PI.
3.141592666666 and then it's just all sixes for the other 298 digits. Then after that there's just hieroglyphs of scary eyes.
DID KIBO ACTUALLY KILL CARL SAGAN?
No, he was dead when Kibo found him in his wallet.
IS BILL GATES THE ANTICHRIST? STEVE JOBS?
You are wrong on both counts. To find the real antichrist, see who can eat anti-nougat without exploding.
HOW DOES ONE CONVERT TO KIBOLOGY?
With a special secret button on any TI calculator made after 1985.
HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M MEANT TO BE A KIBOLOGIST?
If you are asking that question, there is no hope for you. Otherwise everyone IS a Kibologist, whether they know it or not.
(IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: KIBO JUST HURT HIS TOE.)
WHICH IS THE SHORT END OF THE STICK?
You never know until you finish the Popsicle. In the rare case of a Twinsicle which doesn't fall apart at the first lick, toss a coin.
IF IT'S DARKEST BEFORE DAWN, WHAT IS IT BEFORE KIRSTIE?
WHICH COUNTRIES DO NOT HAVE EXTRADITION TREATIES WITH THE U.S.?
Antarctica, Carbo Nation, and McDonaldland.
CAN I GET THERE BY CAR?
No, you have to go by nuclear submarine, camphor-powered paper boat, and stupid little clown train, respectively.
DO THEY SERVE GOOD FOOD THERE?
Yes, yes, and god no.
IS MMX TECHNOLOGY REALLY WORTH IT?
"MMX" means "1910" in Roman numerals. That should answer your question forever!
WILL MY PLANTS LIVE IF I FEED THEM DR PEPPER?
Yes, although they may make that "EEEEEeeeEEEeeEEeEeEeEeEEEEEeeeeEEE" music which giant evil plants always make when they're crawling up behind you. To kill them off again, expose them to really bright sunlight in the desert, the kind which goes "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE".
WILL MY PANTS LIVE IF I FEED THEM DR PEPPER?
That's a STUPID question.
WHO TRAINS CABLE INSTALLERS?
Marilyn Vos Dipstick.
AM I ALLOWED?
AM I REALLY ALLOWED?
AM I STILL ALLOWED?
You're still allowed.
Whoops, you asked one time too many. Go stand in the corner wearing the Dr Pepper Pants.
DID YOU HEAR THE JOKE ABOUT THE RABBI AND THE GREEN GOLF BALL?
COULD YOU TELL IT TO ME?
I could... if I were EVIL!
IF KIBO AND XIBO SHOULD HOLD HANDS, WOULD THE UNIVERSE BLOW UP?
No, it would throw up.
WILL THERE BE A SEQUEL TO THE ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY MOVIE?
Yes. It will be the first movie with the word "THE SPECIAL EDITION" flashed on screen constantly. Also there will be an orange circle added around the firecracker inside the Death Star, to represent the anti-nougat force to correct a scientific error.
WHEN I SEARCH ALT.SEX.STORIES FOR STORIES ABOUT PEDESTRIANS, WHY DO I KEEP GETTING KIDS?
No method of birth control is 100% effective.
ISD ITT FUINY IFF I TTYP WITHH MYU TOUYNGE ?
Not if it comes out this clear.
IS IT TRUE DOC MARTEN WANTED TO SPONSOR KIBO?
There were never any *ladies'* shoes involved.
KIBO HASN'T POSTED ANYTHING FOR TWO DAYS. IS HE DEAD?
No, he's just busy writing a carefully-crafted one-line posting which says "DOIDY. DOIDY. DOIDY. DOIDY." only a million times better 'cause it's taking him days to write it.
WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE GLASS UNICORN FIGURINES?
They're pointy ouch they hurt make them stop!!!
WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE EPISODE OF "DRAGNET"?
The one where Joe Friday goes undercover as a hooker named Francine to catch a guy who ate a piece of candy corn from the supermarket.
WINE, WOMEN AND SONG: AM I ALLOWED?
You're pronouncing my name funny, but yeah, you're allowed.
CAN KIBO ROLLER SKATE?
No, although he carries a skate key for emergencies, in case he ever gets locked into a pair of skates right before Ricky's big musical number. He hasn't yet solved the problem of the basement meat locker or the candy conveyor belt.
IF PEZ DISPENSERS COULD TALK, WHAT WOULD THEY SAY?
Hey, look at me, I'm a Pez dispenser! La la la la I'm a Pez dispenser. Pez pez pez pez pez wheeeeeeee I'm a Pez dispenser! Sorry, I don't know the answer to your question. LOOK AT ME, I'M A PEZ DISPENSER!!!!
WHO WAS THE ORIGINAL RONALD McDONALD?
That's a tough question to answer, because they've suppressed all the photos from before they made him white.
WHAT'S THE STUPIDEST QUESTION YOU'VE EVER BEEN ASKED?
Hey, your shoes are on!
Made you look! Ha ha ha! I win AGAIN!
KIBO IS THE UNDEFEATED FAQ CHAMPION OF ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY AND HOLDS OVER ONE HUNDRED COPIES OF THE GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS.
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|James "Kibo" Parryfirstname.lastname@example.org||last revised Feb. 24, '98|
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