My annual improvised Christmas story. This year I did one about Einstein but couldn't get one about Spot off the ground. So, Spot didn't even have a bad Christmas this year. Poor Spot! He didn't get any publicity about what a loser he was!
Albert Einstein's "Time and Twerpiness"
Written on Christmas Day, 2012,
by James "Kibo" Parry
(Copyright (c) 2012 James "Kibo" Parry, all rights reserved,
just in case anyone wants to make a TV-movie out of it)
Albert Einstein, being a great scientist, had no friends. So, the only Christmas gift he received was one he'd sent to himself. He had used a random number generator to order something from Amazon, and he tore off the wrapping paper to discover what it was.
The doll's package was marked "Baby Alive".
"'Baby Alive'!" shouted Einstein. "I've got a baby! And it's alive! Oh, I've got to put batteries in my baby so I can turn it on right away!" He fumbled the necessary 16 AA batteries and 12 D batteries into position (alternating upwards and downwards, except for the next-to-last one which had to go in sideways just to make Christmas more challenging) and flipped the switch in the middle of the doll's forehead.
"RrrrrrrrRRRRRRrrrrrr," said the doll. "Rrrrrrrrrr assorted grinding noises bzzt whirrrrrrrrrRrrrrrr. I am Baby Alive. Of course there are many other dolls that eat and drink and pee and poo, but I am by far the most realistic because I take the most refills. See the catalog sewn into my hair for prices and various surcharges. Now feed me so that I may contaminate various areas of your dwelling-unit."
Einstein was overjoyed! He had never before owned such an interactive doll, and certainly not one so insistent on making such a large mess so rapidly for so little reason! He tore open one of the tiny packets of partially-non-toxic doll food and used the magical, magnet-powered spoon to make the colorful sludge go inside the doll's aperture.
"Whirrrrrrr EXCRETE EXCRETE EXCRETE," blurted the doll, "Feeding cycle is complete. My diaper must now be removed and incinerated so that you may purchase food refills, diaper refills, and another one of those tiny magnetic spoons because you somehow already lost yours." Einstein looked down at his hand, and indeed the little spoon was gone. Truly this doll was the ultimate in pretend entertainment!
But then Einstein, brain-genius that he was, had an idea. He could make Baby Alive even more realistic by making it part of the killer robot he was building. He picked up Baby Alive and carried it to his workshop, leaving a trail of various simulated baby excreta.
In a few hours, his project was complete. Baby Alive's mechanism had been installed in the robot, and there was enough room left over to also install an Easy-Bake Oven. That way the pretend digestive system could squirt sludge directly into the Easy-Bake Oven, which would then turn it into something resembling food, which would then be sent back into the digestive system. The robot's urinary system drained from a peanut butter jar into a pickle jar, and the two would be swapped whenever one filled up. Thus the robot could be even grosser than any human baby, and without needing as many refills.
Of course, a robot of such large size would take hours to charge up, so Einstein plugged it into a wall socket and went to watch television. He pulled a dusty VHS tape off the shelf and pushed it into the player to watch "Rona Jaffe's 'Mazes and Monsters'".
"Wow," gasped Einstein, "This must be one classy movie if the author's name is crammed right into the title like that!" He became engrossed in the story of a young man named Tom Hanks who went permanently insane after playing "Dungeons & Dragons".
Time passed, as it often does.
When the killer robot was fully charged, it unplugged itself from the wall and lumbered across the room, sitting down next to Einstein on the couch. "What are you-human watching?" it asked.
"'Rona Jaffe's "Mazes and Monsters"'," said Einstein, being careful to make properly-nested air-quotes by using both his fingers and his toes.
The robot appeared to wince. "I have been observing you-human from across the room while charging for the last six hours. You-human have rewound this tape and watched it four times."
"Oh, robot, you don't understand the human condition. This is an important drama about promising young Tom Hanks and how a simple dice game caused him to stab a guy and then try to kill himself. There seem to be many nuances to this story and I must keep watching until it all makes sense to me."
The robot sat in embarrassed silence for a moment, then spoke again. "Creator, what is my purpose?"
"Like Baby Alive, you were created to poop yourself, because humans have a need to not be the only things that can poop themselves. Your internal Easy-Bake Oven gives you that power. You are the first Bodily Recirculation And Processing Robot, so I will call you 'B.R.A.P.Bot' for short."
"I do not like that choice of name. My name should not contain dots because I am not a Web site. I would prefer a more dignified name such as 'Feculent Servitor' or 'Admiral Fudge'."
Without looking away from the grainy videotape of Tom Hanks having a knife fight, Einstein said, "You do not need to pronounce the dots. I shall call you 'Brapbot'. It is short, so I can yell it quickly in the event of an emergency where your services are required."
Brapbot was silent again, except for the sounds of its disgusting internal mechanism. On the screen, Tom Hanks was crying because his knife was bloody after stabbing an imaginary Gorvil. Brapbot looked at Einstein and saw that he was also crying.
"Creator, you should not be subjecting yourself to this movie over and over."
"But I must! I must keep watching 'Rona Jaffe's "Mazes and Monsters"' until I understand it in every way!"
"But you are destroying your great intellect with this obsession on something stupid, like like Tom Hanks did. And what happened to him?"
"He became demented and tried to jump off the World Trade Center. Hmm... So, Brapbot, you're saying I am also putting my sanity at risk if I watch this cheesy movie so much that it becomes real to me. Thus, I need to throw away this videotape."
"That would be a non-stupid course of action."
"But first..." (Einstein's eyes got wide) "...I must save Tom Hanks from this dreadful menace!"
"Oh dear," said Brapbot as Einstein vaulted over the couch and headed for the garage, where he kept his time machine. Brapbot ran after him. "Stop, Creator Einstein! You have not yet witnessed certain of my bodily functions!"
Einstein dove into the time machine (which resembled an old washing-machine box) and slammed his hand onto the "GO TO PAST" button that was drawn on the cardboard. Brapbot jumped in after him just as the machine disappeared in a shower of imaginary sparkles.
Einstein gritted his teeth. "Brapbot, our mission is to stop Tom Hanks's life from being destroyed by an evil menace. In order to prevent 'Dungeons & Dragons' from making him jump off the World Trade Center... we must destroy the World Trade Center."
"BEEEEEEEP TOO SOON BEEEEEP FART!" yelled Brapbot. "Also, I think someone else may have already had that idea first."
"Yes, but they merely crashed planes into the World Trade Center for stupid reasons. Our important mission requires us to go back to the early 1970s, when the World Trade Center was new, so we can erase it from history before Tom Hanks kills himself." Einstein looked out the time machine's window and saw that the swirling colors of limitless time were resolving themselves into shades of burnt orange, harvest gold, and avocado green. "We're arriving in the early Seventies!"
They stepped out of the time machine into what appeared to be a diner which only had two walls.
"Jeepers!" said Richie Cunningham.
"Wowsers!" said Ralph Malph.
"Golly!" said Potsie.
Brapbot scowled. "Creator genius Einstein, you have landed not in New York City but in a Hollywood soundstage where they are filming the first episode of --"
Brapbot was interrupted by the three overage teenagers shrieking in horror. "Look at that!" yelled Richie, "That time machine just squished Fonzie!" There was an arm sticking out from under the time machine. The hand was frozen in a gesture of a clenched fist with the thumb pointing directly upwards. The hand and arm rapidly crumbled to dust, leaving behind only a leather jacket and a pair of motorcycle boots.
"This is bad," said Brapbot, "and I mean it's even bad compared to 'Happy Days'."
Richie, Ralph, and Potsie were terrified. Potsie whined, "What'll we do now? There's no show without Fonzie!"
Einstein, thinking quickly, grabbed the jacket and boots and put them on. "I'm your Fonzie now!" said Einstein Fonzie.
"Gosh, Fonzie," said Richie, "I'm building a bar stool for shop class, but I can't think of a way to test whether it will hold my weight. What should I do?"
The wittiest answer Einstein Fonzie could think of was "Ayyyyy!"
Ralph held up a large sheet-cake pan. "Fonzie, the cookbook said that for my cake to bake evenly, it needs to have a butt- shaped depression in it. How can I make a butt dent in my cake?"
Potsie pushed Richie and Ralph aside. "Fonzie, I have a much more important question. I just bought a #27B Rectal Intruder dildo, but I don't have the arm strength to shove it into my butt. Fonzie, how can I get this up my butt?"
Einstein Fonzie's inability to think of hilarious punchlines had now doomed "Happy Days". Instead of running for eleven years, the show was cancelled during the first commercial break. Without "Happy Days" to promote '50s nostalgia, the '70s became even more about disco than they had been the last time they happened. Punk rock, heavy metal, rap, and dubstep were never invented. Disco became the dominant form of music until the end of time.
Also, because Einstein Fonzie sucked, leather jackets became very uncool. The most popular band in the 1970s (and for the next thousand years) was The Village People, composed of a cop, a soldier, a cowboy, an Indian, and a guy wearing burlap.
Einstein stammered, "Yikes, I've ruined popular music!" and ran back to the time machine, with Brapbot following.
"Not so fast, creep!" yelled Potsie. "I'm gonna slug you for ruining my TV career!" But the time machine de-materialized when Potsie was inches away.
"That was horrifying," said Brapbot. "Surely now you must realize that it is foolish to try to destroy the World Trade Center, whether or not Tom Hanks is involved."
Einstein ran his fingers through his wacky hair. "I believe you are right, Brapbot. Except... hmm... wasn't Tom Hanks in an early episode of 'Happy Days'?" He took an old TV Guide from the time machine's shelf of all TV Guides ever printed, and flipped through it. "Oh dear. Apparently, by eradicating 'Happy Days', we made Tom Hanks's early career even worse. We changed history so that he was now in two 'Mazes and Monsters' movies. In the first one he jumped off the World Trade Center and died, and then the black magic of Dungeons & Dragons brought him back from the dead so that in the second movie he jumped off the World Trade Center's other tower and perma-died." Einstein fiddled with the controls drawn on the cardboard wall of the time machine. "We just have time before the Seventies end to wipe out the World Trade Center to save Tom Hanks from two unpleasant deaths."
The time machine shook. The cardboard box was out of control. It crashed in a nearby part of the Seventies.
When Einstein and Brapbot climbed out of the wreckage of the time machine, they saw a chubby man with a beard and glasses hanging a toy spaceship in front of a blue backdrop. Off to one side, actors wearing hooded bathrobes and karate practice outfits were passing a joint around.
Einstein gasped. "Brapbot, do you know who that is? It's George Lucas!"
"I do not know who that is. Bear in mind that the only movie I have seen since I was created is the terrible 'Mazes and Monsters'."
"Brapbot, George Lucas is creating 'Star Wars' right before our eyes. We may not be able to accomplish our World Trade Center mission, but at least we can save Mr. Lucas from eventually losing the respect of the fans in the 21st century."
Einstein tapped Lucas on the shoulder, and the man looked up from his little spaceship. "Hey! Don't bother me! I'm inventing movie magic here!"
"Mr. Lucas, I'm Albert Einstein and I've travelled from the future with this robot and I've got to talk to you."
"A robot, you say? Yes, yes, that's a brilliant idea! I'll put robots in my movie! I'll call them 'R2-D2' and 'C-3PO'!"
"Okay, George, but listen. Many years from now, your former fans will hate you for making various terrible prequels and spin-offs. They'll even be rude enough to make fun of the gigantic goiter you're going to have."
"Eww! Goiters are yucky. Einstein, you look like a smart guy -- what can I do to prevent getting a goiter?"
"Well, Goiters can be prevented by eating a little iodized salt. But I forgot to fill my pockets with salt before I got in my time machine. I wonder where we can find something salty around here?"
"BEEP," said Brapbot, holding out its two jars of robot urine. Lucas took a jar in each hand and looked thoughtful.
"A jar... and a jar. This gives me an even better idea!"
The first three "Star Wars" movies were released a week later, titled "Jar Jar's New Hope", "Jar Jar Strikes Back", and "Jar Jar And Lots Of Ewoks". They were complete flops, unloved by anyone except for a few hundred howling nerds. This made nerdiness so unpopular that nobody studied math or science, and the Internet was never invented, and without the Internet there was no way for anyone to voice their opinions about how terrible the "Star Wars" movies were becoming. George Lucas made 137 more of them, all starring Jar Jar. The Government reacted by banning all movie production forever, as well as forbidding use of any words containing the letter 'J', but it was too late. Humanity's spirit was crushed and the world was now a joyless place.
"Wow," said Einstein, "What an obnoxious sidekick!" Then Brapbot farted on him.
Einstein looked at the crumpled pile of cardboard that used to be his time machine. "Brapbot, I don't think I can repair the time machine to return us to the 21st century. We're stuck in this dystopian version of the 1970s full of disco music, burlap, and Jar Jar. Plus, somewhere on the East Coast, Tom Hanks is probably jumping off the World Trade Center over and over. Well, at least if we're stuck in the late 1970s it means we can go to the supermarket and buy some Pillsbury Space Food Sticks."
Einstein and Brapbot headed for the nearest supermarket, taking a shortcut through an alley. A monstrous figure jumped out of the darkness. "Albert Einstein," it hissed, "You made me the hideous freak I am today!"
It took a step towards Einstein and as it entered the light its hideousness was revealed. It was Potsie, with half his face having been blasted away by being too close to the time machine's takeoff. Further, the temporal shock had caused Potsie to grow six extra arms. Potsie bellowed, "BEHOLD! I AM OCTO-POTSIE!"
Octo-Potsie advanced on Einstein and Brapbot, moments away from slaughtering them. But just then, another stranger appeared, and stabbed Octo-Potsie with a knife. It was insane Tom Hanks!
"Hooray!" yelled Einstein, "We were saved because 'Rona Jaffe's "Mazes and Monsters"' is still true!"
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December 25, 2012
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