First in a long series of television shows aimed at a very special audience.
Apologies for the crude formatting, but hey, you shoulda watched it on television when you had the chance.
Copyright (C) 1996 James "Kibo" Parry Todos los derechos reservados. THE SPECIAL SHOW! ================= 12/4/96 BROADCAST FADE IN A stern-looking, rather wide NURSE (who looks like Chris Farley after a sex change, with glasses) is dressed entirely in white, standing in front of a white padded wall. There is a window which shows an all-white landscape made out of paper. NURSE I'm sorry, you're not allowed to watch normal television any more. You have to watch... THE SPECIAL SHOW. She pulls a TV cart into view from screen right. The TV's case is painted white, as is the cart. A WORKMAN dressed in white coveralls and white painter's cap follows, touching up the white paint on the TV. The TV shows a revolving chrome logo that spells out "THE SPECIAL SHOW". As the announcer reads the title, the workman begins painting the screen white. TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The! Special! Mmmmmmph! FADE TO WHITE FADE TO: KIBO, our host, is the perfect host for this show. He is someone that insane people will love and trust. His hair is the tip-off. He is standing in front of a psychedelic background, wearing a fireman's coat. He will appear thus between film clips. KIBO Hey everybody! Let's have some fun! SFX: TRUMPET FANFARE SMASH-CUT TO: TITLE CARD: FUNNY FUNNY CANDY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Funny! Funny! Candy! KIBO is holding a small piece of candy in each hand. KIBO (excited) Nougat... (re his other hand) ...antinougat! (He touches them together and we see stock footage of the Earth exploding, then we see Kibo with black smudges all over his face.) TITLE CARD: FUNNY FUNNY CANDY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Funny! Funny! Candy! KIBO his holding a large block of something wet. KIBO (whiny) My fuuuudge won't stop bleeeeding! TITLE CARD: FUNNY FUNNY CANDY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Funny! Funny! Candy! KIBO is waving a blackboard eraser in front of a bluescreen, which is showing a close-up of a bowl of canned chili. KIBO (happy) I'm erasing chili! TITLE CARD: CANDY ALL GONE ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (singsong) Candy all gone! DISSOLVE TO: KIBO against the psychedelic background again. KIBO Wow, wasn't that funny? No, it wasn't "funny", it was "funny funny"! Now let's see something "funny funny funny"! CUT TO: TITLE CARD: THE STRANGER ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (whispering) The stranger... FADE TO: A grizzled GAS STATION ATTENDANT is sitting in a rocking chair by the side of the road in the middle of the desert. A FILTHY DISGUSTING BUM walks up. FILTHY DISGUSTING BUM (articulate) Pardon me, but I could use some directions as I appear to be lost. GAS STATION ATTENDANT You filthy disgusting bum, your body is covered with head lice and foot odor and you never take a bath and you smell like cheese! FILTHY DISGUSTING BUM Yeah, but at least I ain't lost! FAST-MOTION WITH WACKY MUSIC: The ATTENDANT kicks the BUM in the butt several times and chases him off to the horizon, waving his arms frantically. CUT TO: KIBO, against the psychedelic background. KIBO Whee! Do you wanna see something seeeecret? (KIBO walks over to an easel holding up a large geometric diagram) KIBO Loooooooook! The pennnntagon is full of hexagons! SFX: WACKY BOING TITLE CARD: THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The! Most! Dangerous! Game! A BOY and GIRL are sitting on the floor. The boy rolls a handful of dice. He picks up two and rolls them again. He picks up one and rolls it again. BOY Yahtzee! The both drop dead. TITLE CARD: KIBO'S SCIENCE SEGMENT KIBO is in front of a large jail cell which has a sign saying "ALL THE SCIENTISTS IN THE WORLD". Several are inside. ALBERT EINSTEIN has his head stuck between the bars. KIBO Hello, Einstein! EINSTEIN (crying) Kibo, I admit I was wrong to oppose your brilliant theory that the entire Universe is just a huge holographic fractal made of water vapor! All past scientific discoveries pale in comparison with your one true theory that explains all science forever! KIBO (very cheerful) Sorry! Not good enough. KIBO cuts Einstein's head off with a giant pair of scissors and opens the door. EINSTEIN'S HEADLESS BODY runs out. We see Einstein's body running through the streets, scaring people. The body rides through a car wash and at the other end, only Einstein's skeleton comes out. TITLE CARD: THAT'S A BIG SHEET OF PAPER ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (honestly impressed) That's a big sheet of paper! BOY #2 is lying on an endless sheet of paper that goes to the horizon. He is doodling with crayons. A signpost stuck in the paper about twenty feet away says "Welcome to Paperlandia". BOY #2 (singing to himself) La, la, la, la da da... MOM (walking past from screen right) Honey, you've gotta write smaller because the paper is so big. INSERT: Close-up of boy's "can you believe this?" expression. SFX: WACKY SPLAT BOY #2 goes back to coloring. POP (walking past from screen right) Honey, if you keep writing that small, we'll have to get you glasses you don't need! INSERT: Same close-up SFX: WACKY RICOCHET BOY #2 goes back to coloring. MOM & POP (together, as they walk past from screen right) Son, you're perfect just the way you are. In fact, you're too perfect. No TV for you tonight! BOY #2 But, Mom & Pop, you said I could watch "The Special Show"! MOM & POP (shouting from offscreen) Not until you resign from the Presidency! INSERT: Same close-up SFX: TAPE OF "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" CUT TO: KIBO, in front of the psychedelic background. He is still wearing the fireman's coat. KIBO (as the background bursts into flame) Well, did you like the show? I sure did. Tune in next week, when we'll show you why computers don't like me! THE PICTURE CRUMPLES UP INTO A LITTLE BALL AND FLIES OFF INTO OUTER SPACE, WHERE IT EXPLODES. LETTERS COME OUT OF THE EXPLOSION AND SWIRL AROUND TO SPELL OUT "THE END". FADE TO WHITE FADE TO: The NURSE in the white room is using a fire hose on the white TV as it burns. The paper landscape is also burning. A man dressed as NAPOLEON runs past the window, laughing. NAPOLEON I'm free! I'm free! NURSE I curse your genius, Napoleon! NAPOLEON Tee-hee! FADE TO BLACK TITLE CARD: A PRODUCTION OF THE SPECIAL CHANNEL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Bye-bye!
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December 25, 1999
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