Why do scripts put the names of characters in capitals? I dunno. All I know is that they told me they wouldn't put this on as many channels if I didn't use so many capitals.
I wrote this on December 24, 2005.
Kibo presents ------------------------- THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!! ------------------------- episode #10: "The Theory Of The Funny!" broadcast on December 25, 2005 (C) Copyright 2005 James "Kibo" Parry (INTERIOR PADDED CELL. The walls are white. A stern NURSE, who looks like LARRY KING in a dress, leans close to the camera's fish-eye lens.) NURSE Because you were either very good or very bad, now you get to watch "The Special Show!" CUT TO: (Revolving chrome logo of "The Special Show!") CUT TO: (Highly complicated flow chart with the camera panning about wildly.) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) Tonight's story begins in the oval at top left! CUT TO: (ESTABLISHING SHOT -- EXTERIOR HOSPITAL.) DISSOLVE TO: (INTERIOR HOSPITAL. A DOCTOR is examining KIBO by pressing a stethoscope to the back of his hand.) KIBO Give it to me straight, Doctor. DOCTOR Kibo, you have cancer... and Alzheimer's. KIBO Well, at least I don't have cancer. (Two WOMP-WOMP GUYS holding trombones are now standing behind KIBO. The first plays a rising note, then the other one plays a falling note.) DOCTOR Who are they? KIBO Oh, they're my Womp-Womp Guys. They appear whenever I need to show how funny a joke was. DOCTOR Oh. I just have a single Womp-Womp-Wa-Wa Guy, myself. Anyway, let me make a note about the seriousness of your illness on your bill. (The DOCTOR begins to write.) KIBO Doctor, why are you writing with a rectal thermometer? DOCTOR Because some asshole walked off with my pen! (A WOMP-WOMP-WA-WA GUY is now behind the DOCTOR, and plays three short notes and one long note on his trombone.) KIBO My Womp-Womp guys can beat up your Womp-Womp-Wa-Wa guy. DOCTOR You may have two of 'em, but my guy knows how to play FOUR notes. KIBO Get 'im, guys. (CAMERA TILTS thirty degrees to the left. Go-go music plays as the three musicians start throwing roundhouse punches in a slow and careful manner. Every time one of them connects, another TRUMPET GUY appears and plays a very loud note. The first TRUMPET GUY has a T-shirt that says "POW!", the second says "SOCKO!", the third says "BIFF!", etc. In a few moments there are fifty or sixty of them in the office.) DOCTOR This isn't accomplishing anything! KIBO Yes, all we've learned is that it's bad to have musicians around! DOCTOR All you guys better disappear or I'll release the Blob! (The DOCTOR holds up a stoppered test tube full of red stuff, but the WOMP-WOMP GUYS, WOMP-WOMP-WA-WA GUYS, and TRUMPET GUYS ignore him. The DOCTOR uncorks the test tube and the room quickly fills with red Jell-O.) CUT TO: (EXTERIOR HOSPITAL.) (The hospital building bursts and a tidal wave of red Jell-O comes out. KIBO is surfing the wave by standing on the back of a BONGO GUY playing the rhythm from the song "Wipe Out".) KIBO (speaking to camera) Wow, having cancer is fun! BONGO GUY I thought you thought you had Alzheimer's, not cancer. KIBO Your logic does not impress me because it was not accompanied by a music sting. (MR. SPOCK is now standing on the BONGO GUY next to KIBO.) MR. SPOCK Logic is defined as the method or action of explaining that you are a bozo. (A LOGIC GUY, in a "LOGIC GUY" T-shirt, is standing behind MR. SPOCK and gives him a thumbs-up while grinning madly.) KIBO Oh. BONGO GUY Wow, this is a bitchin' wave. KIBO Look out, we're going to crash into the next scene! CUT TO: (EXTERIOR SCIENCE LAB. A sign reads "Institute For Benny Hill Research.") (INTERIOR SCIENCE LAB. Two SCIENTISTS in white coats are writing on clipboards as they watch BENNY HILL and HERMAN MUNSTER chasing each other in double-speed circles on the other side of a one-way mirror.) (MUSIC: "Yakety Sax") FIRST SCIENTIST Soon we will understand why Benny Hill is so funny! SECOND SCIENTIST And then we can harness that power for evil scientific purposes, hooray! FIRST SCIENTIST Look, he's speeding up again. (KIBO enters by crashing through the wall, carried into the scene by the tidal wave of red fluid.) KIBO Ohhhh yeahhhhhh! SECOND SCIENTIST Hey, you're interfering with our science here at the Institute For Benny Hill Research. FIRST SCIENTIST You need to leave so that we will not be distracted while we try to comprehend the mysteries of Benny Hill! KIBO (sarcastic) Oooh, take that, Benny Hill! SECOND SCIENTIST You shouldn't be mocking Benny Hill. Didn't you just reference an old Kool-Aid commercial, and right before that, the ten millionth known facile "Batman" pastiche? KIBO All that was a typo. (KIBO holds up the script and points to some stuff.) KIBO Those scenes were actually supposed to be the letter "j", but my finger slipped off the "j" key and wrote stuff about Batman. FIRST SCIENTIST J? SECOND SCIENTIST J? KIBO Yeah, J. FIRST SCIENTIST Oh. KIBO No, J. SECOND SCIENTIST I see. KIBO No! J! J! FIRST SCIENTIST Dyn-o-mite? KIBO No! You scientists are ruining this whole episode! And neither of you is watching Benny Hill! (The SCIENTISTS look at the one-way mirror and notice that BENNY HILL and HERMAN MUNSTER have vanished, and there is a HERMAN MUNSTER-shaped hole in the wall. MUSIC STOPS.) FIRST SCIENTIST Cripes! Benny Hill is on the loose! SECOND SCIENTIST Sound the Benny Hill alarm! Alert condition: Cheeky! (An indicator on the wall rises past "Naughty", "Fresh", "Saucy", and "Ribald" to "Cheeky". Higher levels are "Randy", "Knickers", and "Fartin'".) KIBO You fools! You have unleashed Benny Hill on a world that can barely comprehend him! FIRST SCIENTIST We'll have to call in the only man who can fight Benny Hill on an equal footing. KIBO You mean...? BATMAN (entering) I'm... Batman! BOTH SCIENTISTS (together) Thanks for coming, Batman! KIBO (overlapping with previous) Dammit, it's Batman again. BATMAN What seems to be the problem, citizens? KIBO I'm not a citizen of this fictional Gotham City, I'm real. I host this show. BATMAN Nobody hosts my show! I'm Batman! FIRST SCIENTIST Batman, you have to help us stop Benny Hill! BATMAN I don't have to do anything! I'm Batman! KIBO Shut up and go square-dance with Benny Hill in fast-motion while punching noises are dubbed in so that people will think you're doing something. BATMAN All right, I'll go apprehend that vaunted villain of vivacious vaudeville, that vile vermin whose vigorously vapid vim is -- KIBO Shut up! BATMAN Nobody tells me to shut up! I'm Batman! KIBO No, I'm Batman! BATMAN No, I'm the real Batman! KIBO You're the real fictional Batman! But I'm real for real! Therefore even if I'm not Batman, when I'm impersonating Batman I'm still real on some level, unlike you -- you're just a pop culture reference even Roy Lichtenstein considered trite! BATMAN But I have this mask. KIBO So? I have one too. (KIBO takes a Batman mask out of his pocket and puts it on.) FIRST SCIENTIST Ye gods, they're identical! SECOND SCIENTIST Identical at every level! FIRST SCIENTIST Every level is how they're identical! SECOND SCIENTIST Identical! BOTH SCIENTISTS (together) Identical, identical, identical! (SPOCK, dripping with red goo, climbs in through the hole in the wall.) SPOCK Logically, if the two of you are identical, I have no choice but to assume you are both the real Batman. (KIBO yanks off his mask.) KIBO And I'm also Kibo! BATMAN Dammit, he's got me there. I'm only Batman, not Kibo. I could never be Kibo. I'm just not awesome enough. (All lights go down except for a spotlight on KIBO. MUSIC: children's chorus singing the word "Awesome!" Lights come back up.) KIBO Aw, shucks, you're embarrassing me. BATMAN Then stop writing me embarrassing you. KIBO I'm tired of your attempts to pretend that this is meta-fiction. You're just a fictional character, not a meta-fictional character. FIRST SCIENTIST What's a meta-fictional character? KIBO An example of a meta-fictional character would be that guy who's a million times funnier than Benny Hill. Look, there he is! (KIBO points and they look through the hole in the wall. The hole just shows static, with a loud buzzing noise.) FIRST SCIENTIST I can't see anything. KIBO That's because the guys who's a million times funnier than Benny Hill is meta-fictional, so he's not visible to those of you who are just fictional. SECOND SCIENTIST What a concept! (SECOND SCIENTIST's head explodes.) FIRST SCIENTIST Oh, now look what you did. KIBO Actually, I didn't do that. It was another typo. Where the script says his head explodes, I was actually trying to type a "7". BATMAN And how is this... "seven"... supposed to help me beat up Benny Hill? KIBO You'd better be careful, because seven ate nine! BATMAN I don't get it. KIBO Of course you don't. I heard that one from that guy who's a million times funnier than Benny Hill. FIRST SCIENTIST (gasps) Then you have achieve what we here at the Institute For Benny Hill Research have dreamed of -- you have touched the level of wackiness beyond Benny Hill! KIBO Yes, and also, I seven the sandbox! BATMAN Oh yeah? Well, I eight the sandbox! Oh, what have I said? The horror! I have accidentally painted myself into a corner by defining my fictional past to include an incident in which I ate a sandbox! (BATMAN belches and a little plastic shovel and pail pop out of his mouth.) KIBO Now if you'll excuse me, I must go. (KIBO runs away at triple speed.) (MUSIC: "Yakety Sax") CUT TO: (EXTERIOR GOTHAM CITY.) (KIBO runs through the streets, faster and faster. He knocks cars and trucks out of the way, causing horrible accidents. He runs up the side of a skyscraper and jumps off the top, flying miles through the air, landing on a little kid's cupcake at a picnic.) LITTLE KID Waah! KIBO Sorry about your birthday cupcake, kid. Here, have a Batman mask. (KIBO hands the kid his Batman mask. KID puts it on.) KID Yayyy! I'm Batman! KIBO Now go kill Benny Hill! (KID runs away. KIBO smiles to himself and checks what's in his pocket by pulling out several more Batman masks and then putting them back.) KIBO Meanwhile, I wonder whether that doctor ever got his pen back. CUT TO: (INTERIOR HOSPITAL. The DOCTOR is covered in red slime and the left side of his body is missing.) DOCTOR The Blob dissolved the left side of my body! (A pen is tossed into frame. It sticks in the DOCTOR's gaping wound.) DOCTOR But at least that's my pen. (The BLOB rears up behind him and forms a giant mouth which engulfs him completely. The mouth speaks.) BLOB Yum! Now that I've eaten everyone in this scene, I'm going to go re-create that famous scene where the Blob came into a movie theater! CUT TO: (INTERIOR MOVIE THEATER. Fifties-style people wearing 3-D glasses are watching stock footage of wacky old airplanes that fail to fly by flapping their wings. Suddenly the stock footage cuts to the famous scene of the BLOB invading a theater. The audience members smile appreciatively.) FIRST AUDIENCE MEMBER How clever! It's a reference to a classic film! (CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that the audience watching "The Blob" is actually in a film being projected on a screen at another theater. The only audience member is the BLOB.) BLOB This is recursively awful! (CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that all this is on the TV screen in the belly of one of the TELLYTUBBIES.) TELLYTUBBY Yayyyy! SECOND TELLYTUBBY Again! Again! (CAMERA ZOOMS IN on the belly-screen. But this time we see scratchy stock footage of KIBO holding down SPOCK and hitting his head with a hammer over and over. CAMERA ZOOMS OUT to the TELLYTUBBIES again.) SECOND TELLYTUBBY That not again! That new! TELLYTUBBY My tummy hurts! (TELLYTUBBY's head explodes.) SECOND TELLYTUBBY Uh-oh! (SECOND TELLYTUBBY's head explodes. BENNY HILL climbs out of the costume through the bloody neck-hole.) BENNY HILL (talking to the camera) I was going to explain everything now, but Kibo told me only he gets to talk to the camera because it's his show. KIBO (entering) Shove off! (BENNY HILL runs away at double speed.) (MUSIC: "Jingle Bell Rock") KIBO Apparently we already used up all the Benny Hill music. Well, that hardly matters, because we're now at the point where we drop all the previous stuff so that the plot can begin. (A small sign saying "THE PLOT BEGINS" pops out of the corpse of the first dead TELLYTUBBY.) (MUSIC: Children's chorus singing "The plot begins!") CUT TO: (EXTERIOR OUTER SPACE. The Earth is floating in space.) (MUSIC: creepy Theremin noises) (CAMERA ZOOMS IN on the Earth, flying down through the clouds, closer and closer, to a city, to a building, through a window, to a cardboard box. REGIS PHILBIN enters and pulls a teddy bear out of the box.) REGIS PHILBIN And the person to whom this teddy bear belongs is... (MUSIC: drum roll) CUT TO: (Silhouette of a person, filled with static, accompanied by a loud buzzing noises.) REGIS PHILBIN (voice-over) ...a guy one million times funnier than Benny Hill and Batman combined! CUT TO: (REGIS holding the teddy bear.) REGIS PHILBIN We can't see him because he's meta-fictional. That means he won't be appearing in this episode of "The Special Show!", unlike... (MUSIC: drum roll) CUT TO: (Photo of ABRAHAM LINCOLN.) REGIS PHILBIN (voice-over) Ben Franklin! (The photo turns into the real ABRAHAM LINCOLN. He is shift-eyed.) LINCOLN Nobody must know I'm not the real Ben Franklin. (THOMAS JEFFERSON rides up on a unicycle.) JEFFERSON Yo, Franklin, can I borrow your password to the Hellfire Club? LINCOLN Uh... sure. It's... um... "Fidelio". JEFFERSON Thanks, sucker! (JEFFERSON laughs maniacally as he rides off on his unicycle. GEORGE WASHINGTON walks up holding a large cardboard "J".) WASHINGTON J. LINCOLN J is for jam, like the guts of the Blob. WASHINGTON (to the camera, very patronizingly) Do you know what sound J makes? LINCOLN Juh! WASHINGTON J... juh! LINCOLN J is also for Jetski! (Instantly, they are both on Jetskis, cruising across the surf.) (MUSIC: Pounding techno) WASHINGTON (looking over his shoulder) Watch out, here come the Yakuza! (They duck as four YAKUZA on Jetskis shoot at them. LINCOLN pulls a bazooka out of his trousers. CAMERA REMAINS ON LINCOLN as he fires offscreen.) WASHINGTON (pointing) Look, you're blowing them up! (Scratchy black and white stock footage of a nuclear explosion.) LINCOLN And dat's da name of dat explosion! Boo-yah! WASHINGTON Wait, I forgot, we don't know how to ride Jetskis! (They scream and crash into each other. We see the same stock footage of the nuclear explosion again.) (FADE TO BLACK.) (A large "J" FADES IN against the black.) REGIS PHILBIN (voice-over) The letter J has killed again! (KIBO enters, walking behind the giant J against black.) KIBO Regis, stop yelling at my J! (KIBO picks up the large J and, with some difficulty, carries it as he exits. The screen is black.) REGIS PHILBIN (voice-over) I guess this means the show's over, folks! (slurping sounds) Yuck, here comes the Blob! The Blob is eating my face! Get it off me! (screaming, then silence) (We see the black screen for several seconds.) (MUSIC: "Yakety Sax" slowly coming up) (BENNY HILL, running for his life, crosses the screen, followed by a man made of static. The STATIC MAN chases BENNY HILL across the screen repeatedly, then catches him and throws him to the ground. STATIC MAN sits on BENNY HILL's face and farts loudly.) CUT TO: (INTERIOR CARDBOARD BOX. SPOCK, BATMAN, and a TEDDY BEAR their size are inside it.) SPOCK That was highly illogical. BATMAN And I fail to see how watching a TV show about farting will help our audience with their civics homework. SPOCK Batman, this show's made for mental patients. Mental patients don't have to do civic homework. BATMAN (wide-eyed) You mean they're all already civics experts? SPOCK (rolling his eyes) Yes, Batman, they're all civics experts. TEDDY BEAR Pipe down, you numbskulls! (The TEDDY BEAR knocks their heads together and drops their unconscious bodies.) TEDDY BEAR And now, the conclusion. (A screen appears on the TEDDY BEAR's belly. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on screen. It shows the BLOB eating people in a movie theater. The DOCTOR comes running through.) DOCTOR (crying) My pen, my pen! (CAMERA ZOOMS IN on the theater's movie screen. It shows an episode of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" where REGIS PHILBIN is talking to BENNY HILL.) REGIS PHILBIN Benny, for one million dollars, which of the following is the tenth letter of the English alphabet? A! B! C! K! BENNY HILL Regis, I'd like to use a lifeline. REGIS PHILBIN I'm sorry, Benny, you used up all your lifelines on the question about the nature of reality. BENNY HILL Oh yeah, I forgot. REGIS PHILBIN The answer to that one was that we were neither fictional nor non-fictional, but simply taking up space. BENNY HILL Oh. REGIS PHILBIN Wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! The correct answer was "J"! You leave with... nothing! (REGIS holds up a zero-dollar bill with a picture of ABRAHAM LINCOLN picking his noze. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on LINCOLN.) LINCOLN I cannot tell a lie. I am still Ben Franklin. (A YAKUZA in a pin-stripe suit shoots LINCOLN in the back of the head.) YAKUZA Now I am President of the Urited Snates! KIBO (entering) Wait, this has degenerated to the point where even the racism doesn't make any sense. YAKUZA Don't you dale carr me a lacist steleofype! You die now! (The YAKUZA shoots KIBO in the head twice, but nothing happens.) KIBO You haven't been listening. I'm not fictional. That's why I can't die. But you, on the other hand -- (KIBO raises his hand and makes a slight gesture. YAKUZA's head explodes.) KIBO And now, the grand finale. (A curtain rises behind him. We see a thousand-piece orchestra where all the MUSICIANS are dressed as Batman. KIBO runs up to the podium, picks up the conductor's baton, and leads the orchestra in playing two notes:) (MUSIC: "Womp-womp!") (KIBO bows as all the MUSICIANS' heads explode.) CUT TO: (INTERIOR PADDED CELL. REGIS PHILBIN is now dressed as a nurse. He puts his face close to the camera's fisheye lens.) REGIS PHILBIN Thank you for being forced to watch "The Special Show!" We hope it has provided some sort of therapy for you, or for the people who made you watch it, assuming none of them are fictional. (REGIS coughs and a little shovel and pail fall out of his mouth. A pen, thrown from offscreen, gets stuck in the back of his head.) (CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that we were actually looking at REGIS in a mirror. The real REGIS -- moving separately from his reflection -- addresses us.) REGIS PHILBIN Wait, hold on, you made a mistake. You didn't watch "The Special Show!", you were watching its reflection in a mirror. To undo the damage, you'll have to watch the real show -- the exact opposite of what you just saw -- which we will present in thirty seconds. See you on the flip side! (CLOSING CREDITS, then roll episode #10a.)
Obviously, you need to read the next episode right now.
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December 25, 2005
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