Why do scripts put the names of characters in capitals? I dunno. All I know is that they told me they wouldn't put this on as many channels if I didn't use so many capitals.

I wrote this on December 24, 2005.




                       Kibo presents

                 -------------------------
                 THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!!
                 -------------------------

                       episode #10:
                 "The Theory Of The Funny!"
               broadcast on December 25, 2005

           (C) Copyright 2005 James "Kibo" Parry



(INTERIOR PADDED CELL.  The walls are white.  A stern NURSE,
who looks like LARRY KING in a dress, leans close to the
camera's fish-eye lens.)

    NURSE
    Because you were either very good or
    very bad, now you get to watch
    "The Special Show!"


CUT TO:


(Revolving chrome logo of "The Special Show!")


CUT TO:


(Highly complicated flow chart with the camera panning about wildly.)

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    Tonight's story begins in the oval at top left!


CUT TO:


(ESTABLISHING SHOT -- EXTERIOR HOSPITAL.)


DISSOLVE TO:


(INTERIOR HOSPITAL.  A DOCTOR is examining KIBO by pressing a
stethoscope to the back of his hand.)

    KIBO
    Give it to me straight, Doctor.

    DOCTOR
    Kibo, you have cancer... and Alzheimer's.

    KIBO
    Well, at least I don't have cancer.

(Two WOMP-WOMP GUYS holding trombones are now standing behind KIBO.
The first plays a rising note, then the other one plays a falling note.)

    DOCTOR
    Who are they?

    KIBO
    Oh, they're my Womp-Womp Guys.  They
    appear whenever I need to show how
    funny a joke was.
    
    DOCTOR
    Oh.  I just have a single Womp-Womp-Wa-Wa
    Guy, myself.  Anyway, let me make a note
    about the seriousness of your illness on
    your bill.

(The DOCTOR begins to write.)

    KIBO
    Doctor, why are you writing with a
    rectal thermometer?

    DOCTOR
    Because some asshole walked off with
    my pen!

(A WOMP-WOMP-WA-WA GUY is now behind the DOCTOR, and plays three
short notes and one long note on his trombone.)

    KIBO
    My Womp-Womp guys can beat up your
    Womp-Womp-Wa-Wa guy.

    DOCTOR
    You may have two of 'em, but my guy
    knows how to play FOUR notes.

    KIBO
    Get 'im, guys.

(CAMERA TILTS thirty degrees to the left.  Go-go music plays
as the three musicians start throwing roundhouse punches in
a slow and careful manner.  Every time one of them connects,
another TRUMPET GUY appears and plays a very loud note.
The first TRUMPET GUY has a T-shirt that says "POW!", the
second says "SOCKO!", the third says "BIFF!", etc.  In a few
moments there are fifty or sixty of them in the office.)

    DOCTOR
    This isn't accomplishing anything!

    KIBO
    Yes, all we've learned is that it's bad
    to have musicians around!

    DOCTOR
    All you guys better disappear or I'll
    release the Blob!

(The DOCTOR holds up a stoppered test tube full of red stuff,
but the WOMP-WOMP GUYS, WOMP-WOMP-WA-WA GUYS, and TRUMPET GUYS
ignore him.  The DOCTOR uncorks the test tube and the room
quickly fills with red Jell-O.)


CUT TO:


(EXTERIOR HOSPITAL.)

(The hospital building bursts and a tidal wave of red Jell-O
comes out.  KIBO is surfing the wave by standing on the back
of a BONGO GUY playing the rhythm from the song "Wipe Out".)

    KIBO
    (speaking to camera)
    Wow, having cancer is fun!

    BONGO GUY
    I thought you thought you had Alzheimer's,
    not cancer.

    KIBO
    Your logic does not impress me because it
    was not accompanied by a music sting.

(MR. SPOCK is now standing on the BONGO GUY next to KIBO.)

    MR. SPOCK
    Logic is defined as the method or action of
    explaining that you are a bozo.

(A LOGIC GUY, in a "LOGIC GUY" T-shirt, is standing behind
MR. SPOCK and gives him a thumbs-up while grinning madly.)

    KIBO
    Oh.

    BONGO GUY
    Wow, this is a bitchin' wave.

    KIBO
    Look out, we're going to crash into the next scene!


CUT TO:


(EXTERIOR SCIENCE LAB.  A sign reads "Institute For Benny
Hill Research.")

(INTERIOR SCIENCE LAB.  Two SCIENTISTS in white coats are
writing on clipboards as they watch BENNY HILL and HERMAN
MUNSTER chasing each other in double-speed circles on
the other side of a one-way mirror.)

(MUSIC: "Yakety Sax")

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    Soon we will understand why Benny Hill
    is so funny!

    SECOND SCIENTIST
    And then we can harness that power for
    evil scientific purposes, hooray!

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    Look, he's speeding up again.

(KIBO enters by crashing through the wall, carried into
the scene by the tidal wave of red fluid.)

    KIBO
    Ohhhh yeahhhhhh!

    SECOND SCIENTIST
    Hey, you're interfering with our science
    here at the Institute For Benny Hill Research.

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    You need to leave so that we will not
    be distracted while we try to comprehend
    the mysteries of Benny Hill!

    KIBO
    (sarcastic)
    Oooh, take that, Benny Hill!

    SECOND SCIENTIST
    You shouldn't be mocking Benny Hill.
    Didn't you just reference an old Kool-Aid
    commercial, and right before that, the
    ten millionth known facile "Batman" pastiche?

    KIBO
    All that was a typo.

(KIBO holds up the script and points to some stuff.)

    KIBO
    Those scenes were actually supposed to be the
    letter "j", but my finger slipped off the "j"
    key and wrote stuff about Batman.

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    J?

    SECOND SCIENTIST
    J?

    KIBO
    Yeah, J.

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    Oh.

    KIBO
    No, J.

    SECOND SCIENTIST
    I see.

    KIBO
    No!  J!  J!

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    Dyn-o-mite?

    KIBO
    No!  You scientists are ruining
    this whole episode!  And neither of
    you is watching Benny Hill!

(The SCIENTISTS look at the one-way mirror and notice
that BENNY HILL and HERMAN MUNSTER have vanished, and
there is a HERMAN MUNSTER-shaped hole in the wall.
MUSIC STOPS.)

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    Cripes!  Benny Hill is on the loose!

    SECOND SCIENTIST
    Sound the Benny Hill alarm!
    Alert condition:  Cheeky!

(An indicator on the wall rises past "Naughty", "Fresh",
"Saucy", and "Ribald" to "Cheeky".  Higher levels are
"Randy", "Knickers", and "Fartin'".)

    KIBO
    You fools!  You have unleashed Benny Hill
    on a world that can barely comprehend him!

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    We'll have to call in the only man who
    can fight Benny Hill on an equal footing.

    KIBO
    You mean...?

    BATMAN
    (entering)
    I'm... Batman!

    BOTH SCIENTISTS
    (together)
    Thanks for coming, Batman!

    KIBO
    (overlapping with previous)
    Dammit, it's Batman again.

    BATMAN
    What seems to be the problem, citizens?

    KIBO
    I'm not a citizen of this fictional Gotham City,
    I'm real.  I host this show.

    BATMAN
    Nobody hosts my show!  I'm Batman!

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    Batman, you have to help us stop Benny Hill!

    BATMAN
    I don't have to do anything!  I'm Batman!

    KIBO
    Shut up and go square-dance with Benny Hill
    in fast-motion while punching noises are
    dubbed in so that people will think you're
    doing something.

    BATMAN
    All right, I'll go apprehend that vaunted
    villain of vivacious vaudeville, that
    vile vermin whose vigorously vapid vim is --

    KIBO
    Shut up!

    BATMAN
    Nobody tells me to shut up!  I'm Batman!

    KIBO
    No, I'm Batman!

    BATMAN
    No, I'm the real Batman!

    KIBO
    You're the real fictional Batman!  But I'm
    real for real!  Therefore even if I'm not
    Batman, when I'm impersonating Batman I'm
    still real on some level, unlike you --
    you're just a pop culture reference even
    Roy Lichtenstein considered trite!

    BATMAN
    But I have this mask.

    KIBO
    So?  I have one too.

(KIBO takes a Batman mask out of his pocket and puts it on.)

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    Ye gods, they're identical!

    SECOND SCIENTIST
    Identical at every level!

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    Every level is how they're identical!

    SECOND SCIENTIST
    Identical!

    BOTH SCIENTISTS
    (together)
    Identical, identical, identical!

(SPOCK, dripping with red goo, climbs in through the hole
in the wall.)

    SPOCK
    Logically, if the two of you are identical,
    I have no choice but to assume you are both
    the real Batman.

(KIBO yanks off his mask.)

    KIBO
    And I'm also Kibo!

    BATMAN
    Dammit, he's got me there.  I'm only Batman,
    not Kibo.  I could never be Kibo.  I'm just
    not awesome enough.

(All lights go down except for a spotlight on KIBO.
MUSIC: children's chorus singing the word "Awesome!"
Lights come back up.)

    KIBO
    Aw, shucks, you're embarrassing me.

    BATMAN
    Then stop writing me embarrassing you.

    KIBO
    I'm tired of your attempts to pretend
    that this is meta-fiction.  You're just
    a fictional character, not a meta-fictional
    character.

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    What's a meta-fictional character?

    KIBO
    An example of a meta-fictional character
    would be that guy who's a million times
    funnier than Benny Hill.  Look, there he is!

(KIBO points and they look through the hole in the wall.
The hole just shows static, with a loud buzzing noise.)

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    I can't see anything.

    KIBO
    That's because the guys who's a million times
    funnier than Benny Hill is meta-fictional,
    so he's not visible to those of you who
    are just fictional.

    SECOND SCIENTIST
    What a concept!

(SECOND SCIENTIST's head explodes.)

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    Oh, now look what you did.

    KIBO
    Actually, I didn't do that.  It was another typo.
    Where the script says his head explodes, I was
    actually trying to type a "7".

    BATMAN
    And how is this... "seven"... supposed to help
    me beat up Benny Hill?

    KIBO
    You'd better be careful, because seven ate nine!

    BATMAN
    I don't get it.

    KIBO
    Of course you don't.  I heard that one from that
    guy who's a million times funnier than Benny Hill.

    FIRST SCIENTIST
    (gasps)
    Then you have achieve what we here at the
    Institute For Benny Hill Research have
    dreamed of -- you have touched the level
    of wackiness beyond Benny Hill!

    KIBO
    Yes, and also, I seven the sandbox!

    BATMAN
    Oh yeah?  Well, I eight the sandbox!
    Oh, what have I said?  The horror!
    I have accidentally painted myself into
    a corner by defining my fictional past
    to include an incident in which I ate
    a sandbox!

(BATMAN belches and a little plastic shovel
and pail pop out of his mouth.)

    KIBO
    Now if you'll excuse me, I must go.

(KIBO runs away at triple speed.)

(MUSIC:  "Yakety Sax")


CUT TO:


(EXTERIOR GOTHAM CITY.)

(KIBO runs through the streets, faster and faster.
He knocks cars and trucks out of the way, causing
horrible accidents.  He runs up the side of a
skyscraper and jumps off the top, flying miles
through the air, landing on a little kid's cupcake
at a picnic.)

    LITTLE KID
    Waah!

    KIBO
    Sorry about your birthday cupcake, kid.
    Here, have a Batman mask.

(KIBO hands the kid his Batman mask.  KID puts it
on.)

    KID
    Yayyy!  I'm Batman!

    KIBO
    Now go kill Benny Hill!

(KID runs away.  KIBO smiles to himself and checks
what's in his pocket by pulling out several more
Batman masks and then putting them back.)

    KIBO
    Meanwhile, I wonder whether that
    doctor ever got his pen back.


CUT TO:


(INTERIOR HOSPITAL.  The DOCTOR is covered in red slime
and the left side of his body is missing.)

    DOCTOR
    The Blob dissolved the left side of
    my body!

(A pen is tossed into frame.  It sticks in the DOCTOR's
gaping wound.)

    DOCTOR
    But at least that's my pen.

(The BLOB rears up behind him and forms a giant mouth
which engulfs him completely.  The mouth speaks.)

    BLOB
    Yum!  Now that I've eaten everyone in this
    scene, I'm going to go re-create that famous
    scene where the Blob came into a movie theater!


CUT TO:


(INTERIOR MOVIE THEATER.  Fifties-style people wearing
3-D glasses are watching stock footage of wacky old airplanes
that fail to fly by flapping their wings.  Suddenly the
stock footage cuts to the famous scene of the BLOB invading
a theater.  The audience members smile appreciatively.)
    
    FIRST AUDIENCE MEMBER
    How clever!  It's a reference to a classic film!

(CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that the audience watching
"The Blob" is actually in a film being projected on a screen
at another theater.  The only audience member is the BLOB.)

    BLOB
    This is recursively awful!

(CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that all this is on the
TV screen in the belly of one of the TELLYTUBBIES.)

    TELLYTUBBY
    Yayyyy!

    SECOND TELLYTUBBY
    Again!  Again!

(CAMERA ZOOMS IN on the belly-screen.  But this time
we see scratchy stock footage of KIBO holding down SPOCK
and hitting his head with a hammer over and over.  CAMERA
ZOOMS OUT to the TELLYTUBBIES again.)

    SECOND TELLYTUBBY
    That not again!  That new!

    TELLYTUBBY
    My tummy hurts!

(TELLYTUBBY's head explodes.)

    SECOND TELLYTUBBY
    Uh-oh!

(SECOND TELLYTUBBY's head explodes.  BENNY HILL
climbs out of the costume through the bloody neck-hole.)

    BENNY HILL
    (talking to the camera)
    I was going to explain everything now,
    but Kibo told me only he gets to talk
    to the camera because it's his show.

    KIBO
    (entering)
    Shove off!

(BENNY HILL runs away at double speed.)

(MUSIC:  "Jingle Bell Rock")

    KIBO
    Apparently we already used up all the
    Benny Hill music.  Well, that hardly matters,
    because we're now at the point where we drop
    all the previous stuff so that the plot can begin.

(A small sign saying "THE PLOT BEGINS" pops out of
the corpse of the first dead TELLYTUBBY.)

(MUSIC:  Children's chorus singing "The plot begins!")


CUT TO:


(EXTERIOR OUTER SPACE.  The Earth is floating in space.)

(MUSIC:  creepy Theremin noises)

(CAMERA ZOOMS IN on the Earth, flying down through the
clouds, closer and closer, to a city, to a building,
through a window, to a cardboard box.  REGIS PHILBIN
enters and pulls a teddy bear out of the box.)

    REGIS PHILBIN
    And the person to whom this teddy bear
    belongs is...

(MUSIC:  drum roll)


CUT TO:


(Silhouette of a person, filled with static, accompanied
by a loud buzzing noises.)

    REGIS PHILBIN
    (voice-over)
    ...a guy one million times funnier than
    Benny Hill and Batman combined!


CUT TO:


(REGIS holding the teddy bear.)

    REGIS PHILBIN
    We can't see him because he's meta-fictional.
    That means he won't be appearing in this
    episode of "The Special Show!", unlike...

(MUSIC:  drum roll)


CUT TO:


(Photo of ABRAHAM LINCOLN.)

    REGIS PHILBIN
    (voice-over)
    Ben Franklin!

(The photo turns into the real ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
He is shift-eyed.)

    LINCOLN
    Nobody must know I'm not the real Ben Franklin.

(THOMAS JEFFERSON rides up on a unicycle.)

    JEFFERSON
    Yo, Franklin, can I borrow your password
    to the Hellfire Club?

    LINCOLN
    Uh... sure.  It's... um... "Fidelio".

    JEFFERSON
    Thanks, sucker!

(JEFFERSON laughs maniacally as he rides off on his
unicycle.  GEORGE WASHINGTON walks up holding a
large cardboard "J".)

    WASHINGTON
    J.

    LINCOLN
    J is for jam, like the guts of the Blob.

    WASHINGTON
    (to the camera, very patronizingly)
    Do you know what sound J makes?

    LINCOLN
    Juh!

    WASHINGTON
    J... juh!

    LINCOLN
    J is also for Jetski!

(Instantly, they are both on Jetskis, cruising across
the surf.)

(MUSIC:  Pounding techno)

    WASHINGTON
    (looking over his shoulder)
    Watch out, here come the Yakuza!

(They duck as four YAKUZA on Jetskis shoot at them.
LINCOLN pulls a bazooka out of his trousers.
CAMERA REMAINS ON LINCOLN as he fires offscreen.)

    WASHINGTON
    (pointing)
    Look, you're blowing them up!

(Scratchy black and white stock footage of a nuclear explosion.)

    LINCOLN
    And dat's da name of dat explosion!  Boo-yah!

    WASHINGTON
    Wait, I forgot, we don't know how to ride
    Jetskis!

(They scream and crash into each other.  We see the same
stock footage of the nuclear explosion again.)

(FADE TO BLACK.)

(A large "J" FADES IN against the black.)

    REGIS PHILBIN
    (voice-over)
    The letter J has killed again!

(KIBO enters, walking behind the giant J against black.)

    KIBO
    Regis, stop yelling at my J!

(KIBO picks up the large J and, with some difficulty,
carries it as he exits.  The screen is black.)

    REGIS PHILBIN
    (voice-over)
    I guess this means the show's over, folks!
    (slurping sounds)  Yuck, here comes the Blob!
    The Blob is eating my face!  Get it off me!
    (screaming, then silence)

(We see the black screen for several seconds.)

(MUSIC:  "Yakety Sax" slowly coming up)

(BENNY HILL, running for his life, crosses the screen,
followed by a man made of static.  The STATIC MAN chases
BENNY HILL across the screen repeatedly, then catches
him and throws him to the ground.  STATIC MAN sits on
BENNY HILL's face and farts loudly.)


CUT TO:


(INTERIOR CARDBOARD BOX.  SPOCK, BATMAN, and a TEDDY BEAR
their size are inside it.)

    SPOCK
    That was highly illogical.

    BATMAN
    And I fail to see how watching a TV show about
    farting will help our audience with their civics
    homework.

    SPOCK
    Batman, this show's made for mental patients.
    Mental patients don't have to do civic homework.

    BATMAN
    (wide-eyed)
    You mean they're all already civics experts?

    SPOCK
    (rolling his eyes)
    Yes, Batman, they're all civics experts.

    TEDDY BEAR
    Pipe down, you numbskulls!

(The TEDDY BEAR knocks their heads together and drops
their unconscious bodies.)
    
    TEDDY BEAR
    And now, the conclusion.

(A screen appears on the TEDDY BEAR's belly.  CAMERA ZOOMS IN
on screen.  It shows the BLOB eating people in a movie theater.
The DOCTOR comes running through.)

    DOCTOR
    (crying)
    My pen, my pen!

(CAMERA ZOOMS IN on the theater's movie screen.  It shows
an episode of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" where
REGIS PHILBIN is talking to BENNY HILL.)

    REGIS PHILBIN
    Benny, for one million dollars, which of
    the following is the tenth letter of the
    English alphabet?  A!  B!  C!  K!

    BENNY HILL
    Regis, I'd like to use a lifeline.

    REGIS PHILBIN
    I'm sorry, Benny, you used up all your
    lifelines on the question about the nature
    of reality.

    BENNY HILL
    Oh yeah, I forgot.

    REGIS PHILBIN
    The answer to that one was that we were
    neither fictional nor non-fictional,
    but simply taking up space.

    BENNY HILL
    Oh.

    REGIS PHILBIN
    Wrong!  Wrong, wrong, wrong!  The correct
    answer was "J"!  You leave with... nothing!

(REGIS holds up a zero-dollar bill with a picture
of ABRAHAM LINCOLN picking his noze.  CAMERA ZOOMS IN
on LINCOLN.)

    LINCOLN
    I cannot tell a lie.  I am still
    Ben Franklin.

(A YAKUZA in a pin-stripe suit shoots LINCOLN in the
back of the head.)

    YAKUZA
    Now I am President of the Urited Snates!

    KIBO
    (entering)
    Wait, this has degenerated to the point where
    even the racism doesn't make any sense.

    YAKUZA
    Don't you dale carr me a lacist steleofype!
    You die now!

(The YAKUZA shoots KIBO in the head twice, but nothing
happens.)

    KIBO
    You haven't been listening.  I'm not fictional.
    That's why I can't die.  But you, on the other
    hand --

(KIBO raises his hand and makes a slight gesture.
YAKUZA's head explodes.)

    KIBO
    And now, the grand finale.

(A curtain rises behind him.  We see a thousand-piece
orchestra where all the MUSICIANS are dressed as Batman.
KIBO runs up to the podium, picks up the conductor's
baton, and leads the orchestra in playing two notes:)

(MUSIC:  "Womp-womp!")

(KIBO bows as all the MUSICIANS' heads explode.)


CUT TO:


(INTERIOR PADDED CELL.  REGIS PHILBIN is now dressed as
a nurse.  He puts his face close to the camera's fisheye
lens.)

    REGIS PHILBIN
    Thank you for being forced to watch
    "The Special Show!"  We hope it has
    provided some sort of therapy for
    you, or for the people who made you
    watch it, assuming none of them are
    fictional.

(REGIS coughs and a little shovel and pail fall out of
his mouth.  A pen, thrown from offscreen, gets stuck
in the back of his head.)

(CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that we were actually
looking at REGIS in a mirror.  The real REGIS -- moving
separately from his reflection -- addresses us.)

    REGIS PHILBIN
    Wait, hold on, you made a mistake.
    You didn't watch "The Special Show!",
    you were watching its reflection in a
    mirror.  To undo the damage, you'll
    have to watch the real show -- the
    exact opposite of what you just saw --
    which we will present in thirty seconds.
    See you on the flip side!


(CLOSING CREDITS, then roll episode #10a.)



Obviously, you need to read the next episode right now.

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December 25, 2005
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