Bad-bye! I think this one's self-explanatory. It's certainly the most coherent thing I've ever written. Heaven-O!

I wrote this on December 24 and 25, 2005.




                       Kibo presents

                 -------------------------
                 THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!!
                 -------------------------

                       episode #10a:
              "The Back Of The Other Episode!"
               broadcast on December 25, 2005

           (C) Copyright 2005 James "Kibo" Parry



(INTERIOR PADDED CALL.  The camera is slewing around
drunkenly and the colors keep changing.  A stern NURSE,
who looks like REGIS PHILBIN in drag, is standing in
front of a mirror.)

    NURSE
    Stop looking into that mirror!  It's time
    for "The Special Show!"

(She punches the mirror, which shatters, revealing
the revolving chrome logo of "The Special Show!") 

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    "The Special Show!" was created by
    this team of eminent psychiatrists...


CUT TO:


(INTERIOR WOOD-PANELED CONFERENCE ROOM.  A dozen very
serious-looking elderly PSYCHIATRISTS are sitting around
a table staring at the camera silently.)

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    ...specifically for this target audience...


CUT TO:


(INTERIOR PADDED CELL.  A CRAZY GUY wearing a Napoleon
hat and straitjacket is hanging upside down with his
eyes crossed and his tongue hanging out as he laughs
maniacally for several seconds.  A PSYCHIATRIST from
the previous shot enters and points at him.)

    PSYCHIATRIST
    (very seriously)
    This man is crazy.

(The NURSE enters.)

    NURSE
    Doctor, I think he's asking to watch
    "The Special Show!"

    PSYCHIATRIST
    Then I prescribe that we force him to
    do what he wants.  Give him "The Special
    Show!"

(The NURSE pulls a video cable out of a wall socket
and attaches it to the tail end of a syringe.  She
sticks the needle into the CRAZY GUY's arm -- through
the straitjacket sleeve -- and presses the plunger.)

(CAMERA ZOOMS IN to the syringe and shoots down the
needle into a blood vessel.  The red blood cells form
up into the logo of "The Special Show!")

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    The!  Special!  Show!

(The blood cells re-arrange themselves into the
following disclaimer, which the announcer reads:)

    ANNOUNCER
    "The Special Show!" is produced for the
    exclusive use of state mental asylums and
    must not under any circumstances be enjoyed
    by any sane people.  Any sane person who
    enjoys "The Special Show!" will be committed
    to a mental institution.

(The blood cells re-arrange into a picture of Kibo.)

    ANNOUNCER
    And now, here's the host of "The Special Show!",
    the world's greatest humanitarian, Kibo!


DISSOLVE TO:


(STAGE.  KIBO strides out from behind the curtains,
dressed like Chester A. Arthur.)

    KIBO
    Hey everyone, look at me!  I'm dressed
    like Chester A. Arthur!  (pause)  Okay,
    I admit it, even I don't know what a
    Chester A. Arthur costume could look like
    to make you recognize that I'm Chester A.
    Arthur.

(Enter another KIBO, dressed normally except
with a T-shirt saying "I'M CHESTER A. ARTHUR".)

    KIBO 2
    Look at me!  I'm Chester A. Arthur!

    KIBO
    Hey, you're not supposed to be here.
    The immutable laws of physics prohibit
    me from meeting myself.

    KIBO 2
    Oh, you and your laws of physics.
    Don't take them so seriously.  Did you
    know that the laws of physics were made
    up by this guy?


CUT TO:


(ALBERT EINSTEIN, wearing a Napoleon hat and
straitjacket, hanging upside down, laughing
maniacally.)


CUT TO:


    KIBO
    You just made a valid point, me.

    KIBO 2
    Why, thank you, even smarter me.

    KIBO
    Aw, shucks, you flatter me by telling
    the truth about how brilliant I am.

    KIBO 2
    Tweren't nothing, especially as you're
    the smartest one on this stage.  Hey,
    wait -- that means I'm the dumbest one
    on this stage!

    KIBO
    (points and laughs)
    Haw haw!  You're dumb!

    KIBO 2
    I may be dumb, but I'm still glad I'm not
    this guy!


CUT TO:


(ALBERT EINSTEIN, still hanging upside down,
crying like a baby and wetting himself.)

(NURSE enters.)

    NURSE
    You're a patient in a mental asylum,
    yet you still insist on calling yourself
    "Dr. Einstein".  You can't be a doctor
    and a patient at the same time!

(She holds up his diploma and puts it into
a paper shredder which says "DIPLOMA SHREDDER"
on it.  It makes the loudest noise possible,
drowning out EINSTEIN's crying.)

    NURSE
    Gee, I wonder what other office equipment
    is as loud as this official diploma shredder.


CUT TO:


(INTERIOR OFFICE.  There are three EMPLOYEES.
The first one is using a stapler that has a sign
"WORLD'S LOUDEST STAPLER" on it.  It is very loud.)

    EMPLOYEE 1
    I am enjoying the loudness of my stapler.
    
    EMPLOYEE 2
    I'm not.  It startled me and I swallowed my gum.

    EMPLOYEE 1
    That's very bad.  Don't you know that if
    you swallow your gum, it stays in your
    stomach for ten years?

    EMPLOYEE 3
    That's just an old wives' tale and anyone
    who believes it is an idiot.  The truth is
    that after you swallow seven pieces of
    gum, they fuse into a glorm.

    EMPLOYEE 1
    (nervously)
    Um...  I think that was the sixth one...
    but maybe I forgot one...

    EMPLOYEE 2
    What's a glorm?

    EMPLOYEE 3
    That must have been the seventh piece of gum,
    because here comes the glorm!

(With a howling noise, a five-foot-wide wad of
pink gum floats in through the doorway and starts
slowly following EMPLOYEE 1 around the office.)

    EMPLOYEE 1
    Help!  The glorb is after me!

    EMPLOYEE 2
    You got the name wrong.  It's not a glorb.
    It's a blorm.

    EMPLOYEE 1
    How do we stop this blorb?

    EMPLOYEE 3
    It's not a glorb, a blorm, or a blorb!
    And you should never mention their names,
    here they come!

(A wad of green gum, a wad of orange gum, and
a wad of purple gum also float through the doorway,
all making creepy howling noises.)

    EMPLOYEE 1
    Help!  A blorp, a bleb, a smerp, and a spork
    are after me!

    EMPLOYEE 3
    No, a spork is an eating utensil.

    EMPLOYEE 1
    Well, tell your tensil not to be eating me!

(The glorm forms into a big mouth and tries to bite
EMPLOYEE 1's face.)

    EMPLOYEE 2
    (grabbing the stapler)
    Which one is most vulnerable to the World's
    Loudest Stapler -- the florp, the bleb,
    the krunk, or the spenis? 

    EMPLOYEE 3
    Look out, they're converging!

(The four wads of gum fuse together into one huge
bright red BLOB which falls to the floor and starts
oozing around.)

    EMPLOYEE 1
    It's the Blob!

    EMPLOYEE 3
    Of course!  Because this is the mirror image of
    the previous episode, since the Blob was in that
    episode, the Blob has to be in this episode too!
    Just like Regis Philbin!

(REGIS PHILBIN enters.)

    REGIS PHILBIN
    Hi, I'm Regis Philbin, and --

(The BLOB grabs him.)

    REGIS PHILBIN
    (screaming)
    It's digesting me!  No!  Not my
    talented face!  I feel myself fusing
    with it at the genetic level!

(REGIS and the BLOB fuse together into a large red
wad shaped like a six-foot-tall Regis face.)

    EMPLOYEE 3
    Oh no!  The two of them have merged
    into Regis Philblob!

    REGIS PHILBLOB
    Who wants to be digested?
    Is that your final answer?  
    Is that your final answer?

    EMPLOYEE 2
    Wow, what an out-dated reference.

    EMPLOYEE 3
    That must have something to do with this
    being the mirror image of the good show.

    EMPLOYEE 1
    (to EMPLOYEE 2)
    Hey, that's my stapler!  Drop it!

(EMPLOYEE 2 drops the World's Loudest Stapler.
When it hits the ground it goes "BOOM!" and the
entire building shakes.)


CUT TO:


(EXTERIOR OFFICE BUILDING.  Shock waves spread out
from the building as the noise reverberates.)


CUT TO:


(EXTERIOR OUTER SPACE.  The Earth floats.  Shock waves
spread out from one of the cities.)


CUT TO:


(EXTERIOR PALATIAL MANSION.  KIBO is tanning himself by
the swimming pool while wearing earmuffs.  He doesn't
notice as the loud, echoey shockwaves pass through the
picture.)

    KIBO
    You know, I wonder what makes Benny Hill tick.


CUT TO:


(ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SCARY STADIUM AT NIGHT)

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over, on loudspeakers)
    Ladies and gentlemen, the Scientific Death Arena
    presents the research fight of the decade, to
    answer the question, who would win in a fight
    between Benny Hill and the Six Million Dollar Man?


CUT TO:


(INTERIOR STADIUM -- wrestling ring)

(Two large cardboard rectangles with the word "OBVIOUS"
written on each in a different font are hanging from
nearly-invisible wires.  The two rectangles pretend to
have a fight.)

(KIBO is in the audience sitting next to a YAKUZA wearing
a pin-striped suit.)

    KIBO
    Please thank your Yakuza boss for getting
    me a ticket for this scientific research fight.

    YAKUZA
    It is an hona to do so.  But, Kibo-san,
    which lectangle is Mr. Benny Hirr?

    KIBO
    Watch!

(One of the rectangles knocks the other rectangle down
and farts on it.)

    KIBO
    (not laughing)
    He's not exactly Benny Hill-arious.
    At best, he's Benny Ha-Ha.

    YAKUZA
    Ah so, Benny Ha-Ha is my favorite lestaulant!
    Ching ching chong ching chow!

    KIBO
    That's very offensive.  Japanese people
    don't actually talk like that.  Only Chinese
    people do.

    YAKUZA
    Prease to be velly solly most honolable sil.
    Pearlharborpearlharborpearlharbor.

    KIBO
    That's much better.  You may appear in the
    next scene.


CUT TO:


(STAGE.  The YAKUZA is holding up a card which says
"UNDERACTING & OVERACTING THEATER".)

    YAKUZA
    Ploudly plesent "Undelacting and Ovelacting
    Theata!"

(YAKUZA exits.  Enter two cheap-looking ROBOTS.
The first one speaks without moving at all.)

    ROBOT 1
    (monotone)
    Oh no we are all going to die hey look a
    cookie hey this cookie tastes yummy.

    ROBOT 2
    (flailing arms and jumping up and down)
    I HATE THE OCEAN!!!  IT'S LIKE A BIG TOILET
    WITH TOO MANY FISH IN IT!!!  MY UNDERWEAR
    IS TOO TIGHT!!!  I SWALLOWED A NICKEL!!!
    AAAAAA NIIIIIIIICKELLLLLL!!!!!!!!

    ROBOT 1
    (monotone)
    A nickel is worth five cents and I have
    cancer and I ate a cookie.

    ROBOT 2
    (flailing and jumping)
    I DIDN'T GET A COOKIE!!!!!!!!


CUT TO:


(EXTERIOR PALATIAL MANSION.  KIBO is still lounging by
the pool, but now he's dressed like Chester A. Arthur again.)

    KIBO
    Hmm, I wonder if the robot got cancer
    from eating that cookie?  Robots aren't
    as likely to get cancer as regular people.
    People get cancer just by knowing what
    a Longaberger basket is.  But why are
    you bothering me here at my pool?  You
    should be entertaining yourselves by
    listening to an old-time radio program!

(KIBO switches on a giant antique radio.  We see
a close-up of the radio during the rest of the scene.)

    RADIO ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    It's ten o'clock.  Do you know where your
    children are?  We do.  And now, another
    episode of "Andy Rooney Goes Down A Slide
    Into Something!"

    ANDY ROONEY
    (voice-over)
    Maybe I won't seem so elderly if people know
    I enjoy sliding down brightly-colored playground
    slides like the one I'm on.  (pause)  Whee!
    Oh no, celery!

(Loud crunch.)

    ANDY ROONEY
    (voice-over)
    Help me, I'm old!

    RADIO ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    And now, the weather.  He's the weather map.

(Nothing happens for several seconds.)

    RADIO ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    And now, another episode of "Andy Rooney
    Goes Down A Slide Into Something!"

    ANDY ROONEY
    (voice-over)
    I sure hope that when I go down the slide
    this time I won't land in anything messy.
    (pause)  Whee!  Oh no, creamed corn!

(Loud splat.)

    ANDY ROONEY
    (voice-over)
    Help me, I'm old!

    RADIO ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    And now, the old-time radio channel ends its
    broadcast day.  Thank you for listening, your
    radio will now self-destruct.

(The radio explodes.  KIBO is still sunning himself,
with his eyes closed.)

    KIBO
    Well, that killed time, didn't it?
    Did you notice how you couldn't actually
    see the weather map on the radio?  That was
    sort of clever.  That's the miracle of old-time
    radio -- you had to use your imagination to make
    up a better program than what you were listening to.

(Enter ABRAHAM LINCOLN as KIBO's butler.)

    ABRAHAM LINCOLN
    I, your butler, am bringing you your tea, sir.

(KIBO smacks the tray out of LINCOLN's hand.)

    KIBO
    I didn't ask for tea, you stinkin' Lincoln!

    ABRAHAM LINCOLN
    Very well, sir.  I'll get back in my box with
    Batman.

(LINCOLN walks back to the mansion, goes inside, and
climbs into a large cardboard box.  BATMAN is also
inside, sitting on a large piece of bubble wrap.)

    BATMAN
    Well?

    LINCOLN
    He wouldn't drink the poison tea.

    BATMAN
    Curse Kibo's deviously clever finickiness.

    LINCOLN
    Well, we'll try again tomorrow.  Good night.

(They pull the bubble wrap over themselves like a
blanket and start snoring.)

(Back at the pool, KIBO is also snoring.  Then the
KOOL-AID PITCHER enters by smashing through the
picket fence.)

    KOOL-AID MAN
    Ohhhhh yeahhhhh!

(KIBO, annoyed at being woken up, trips him.)

    KOOL-AID MAN
    Whoops!

(He falls into the pool.)

    KOOL-AID MAN
    (sinking)
    Help, my precious bodily fluids are being
    diluted!

(The red face fades from the pitcher, and at the same
time a larger red face appears on the surface of the pool.)

    KOOL-AID MAN
    (weakly)
    Oh no, I am dilute!  I am less intense!
    I am less extreme!

(KIBO grabs a little chain connected to a plug at the
bottom of the pool, and prepares to yank it.)

    KIBO
    Like all the best pools, my pool drains
    directly into the ocean!

(KIBO pulls the plug and KOOL-AID MAN screams as
he is sucked down the drain.)

(CAMERA ZOOMS OUT and flies into the sky, up through the
clouds.  The Earth is still floating in space.  The oceans
turn read and a face appears in the mid-Atlantic.)

    KOOL-AID MAN
    (very faintly)
    I am now so dilute nobody will ever
    love me!

    THE SUN
    (developing a face and pointing)
    Haw haw!  You're homeopathically pathetic!


CUT TO:


(INTERIOR ANIMATION STUDIO.  There are hundreds of
sweat-stained KOREAN ANIMATORS drawing at frantic speed.
MATT GROENING is writing a letter.)

    MATT GROENING
    (reading what he's writing)
    Dear... Kibo... please... stop... stealing...
    one... of... our... many... catchphrases.
    Sincerely... Matt... Groening.

(He folds up the letter and puts it in an envelope,
then licks the envelope and winces in pain.)

    MATT GROENING
    Ow!  I got a paper cut on my tongue!

    HUNDREDS OF KOREAN ANIMATORS
    (pointing)
    Haw haw!

(A single tear slides down MATT's cheek.)

    KIBO
    (voice-over)
    Hey, that was a good tear!  And now,
    let's check in with Andy Rooney!

(We continue to see MATT GROENING with the tear
sliding slowly down his cheek while we hear the
old-time radio program.)

    ANDY ROONEY
    (voice-over)
    Maybe if I close my eyes before I go down
    this slide, I won't get scared... (pause)
    Whee!  Oh no, hermit crabs!

(Many snapping sounds.)

    ANDY ROONEY
    (voice-over)
    Help me, I'm old!

(A single drop of blood falls from MATT GROENING's
tongue.)

    KIBO
    (voice-over)
    We could never have shown that back in the
    days when all entertainment was wholesome...


CUT TO:


(EXTERIOR DEEP SPACE.  Stars are streaming past the camera
like wobbly snowflakes.  A title in block letters zooms
out of the distance:  "GENE RODDENBERRY'S WAGON TRAIN
TO SECOND BASE".)

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    Gene Roddenberry's Wagon Train To Second Base!
    Brought to you by:


CUT TO:


(Photo of a Longaberger basket.)

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    Longaberger baskets!  Remember, you only
    get cancer if you know what one is!
    I said that earlier in this episode so
    you should've known it was a plot point!

    ANGRY PERSON
    (voice-over, off-mike)
    That's not a plot point because there's
    no damn plot!

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    How did you get in here -- hey, let go of
    the microphone --

    ANGRY PERSON
    (voice-over, overlapping with previous)
    People of the world, listen to me!
    The show you are watching is a scam!
    It's not a real show!  It's just a script
    that you're reading on the Internet!

(Sound of a scuffle, much grunting and punching.)

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    Please stand by, we'll --

    ANGRY PERSON
    (voice-over)
    Damn you and your imaginary show and your
    sponsor, Longaberger baskets!

(CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that KIBO is holding
the photo of the Longaberger basket.  He chucks it
over his shoulder.)

    KIBO
    I have no idea who either of those people
    were, but I assure you, you are actually
    watching the show you think you're watching.
    This is not your imagination.  This is television.
    And now, stay tuned to this perfectly real
    television show as we present another
    installment of "World's Adjective Noun!"


CUT TO:


(Photo of a small diamond with a faucet trickling 
water on it.)

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    World's... Wettest... Diamond!


CUT TO:


(Woman with Pac-Man and his four ghost pals wiggling
around in her hair.)

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    World's... Weirdest... Dandruff!


CUT TO:


(An ameba seen through a microscope.)

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    World's... Gayest... Ameba!


CUT TO:


(A birthday cake with lit candles, sitting on the ground.)

    ANNOUNCER
    (voice-over)
    World's... Flattest... Birthday Cake!

(SUPERMAN picks up a skyscraper and uses it to smash the
cake.  JIMMY OLSEN enters.)

    JIMMY OLSEN
    My cake!  My b-birthday cake!  Why did
    you smash my birthday cake, Superman?

    SUPERMAN
    (voice-over, thinking to himself)
    I can't tell Jimmy the real reason I had to save
    the world by destroying his cake!
    (speaking aloud)
    Jimmy, I crushed your cake because you suck!

(JIMMY OLSEN bursts into tears and runs away, crying.)

    SUPERMAN
    Say, I haven't seen my friend Batman lately.

(A FEDEX COURIER enters with a large cardboard box.)

    FEDEX COURIER
    Batman delivery for Mr. Superman!

(He hands SUPERMAN the box, and BATMAN's head pops out.)

    BATMAN
    Hello, Superman, old chum!

    SUPERMAN
    Great Scott!  It's Batman!  But why are you
    living in a cardboard box?

    BATMAN
    Abraham Lincoln bogarted my Hefty bag.


CUT TO:


(EXTERIOR PALATIAL MANSION -- the trash is awaiting collection,
and ABRAHAM LINCOLN is up to his neck in one of the trash bags.)

    ABRAHAM LINCOLN
    At last, with Batman gone, I have this trash bag
    all to myself!

(A trash truck pulls up and a GARBAGEMAN throws the bag
into the back, where it is immediately crushed by the
powerful hydraulic press.  The GARBAGEMAN gets in
the truck and drives off.  We see that the side of
the truck says "JOHN WILKES BOOTH RE-INCARNATED AS A
GARBAGE TRUCK.")

(KIBO enters and waves at the truck.)

    KIBO
    Hey, come back!  I was still using that
    Lincoln!  I needed him for the next sketch,
    where he gets into a boxing match against
    a cardboard rectangle that represents
    New Improved Fartless Benny Hill!
    (to camera)
    Well, now the show is ruined so we'll have
    to stop here.  Good night.


CUT TO:


(INTERIOR WOOD-PANELED CONFERENCE ROOM.  The dozen elderly
psychiatrists are watching the previous scene on a small
TV set into one of the walls.)

    PSYCHIATRIST
    After however many episodes of "The Special Show!"
    this has been, at last we're getting closer to
    a cure for Albert Einstein.


CUT TO:


(INTERIOR PADDED CELL.  EINSTEIN is still hanging upside
down crying hysterically, with the needle in his arm.
The NURSE enters.)

    NURSE
    Show's over, Albie.

(She pulls the needle out of his arm.  There is a hissing
noise and her hair is blown back by the air escaping from
the little hole in EINSTEIN's arm.  EINSTEIN deflates.)

    NURSE
    Well, that was unexpected.

(A cardboard rectangle with "I AM BENNY HILL" written
on it enters, dangling from wires.  It presses up again
the hole in EINSTEIN's arm and farts into it for 
several seconds, and EINSTEIN re-inflates.)

    EINSTEIN
    (chipper)
    I'm cured!

    NURSE
    Good!  Then as a reward, you can watch another
    episode of "The Special Show!"

    EINSTEIN
    Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(CAMERA PANS OVER to mirror, showing a reflection of the
scene, except that in the mirror's version there are
two EINSTEINs hanging upside down and no cardboard
rectangle.  Both EINSTEINs are screaming.)

(CAMERA PANS FURTHER OVER to show that there is another
mirror inside the mirror reflection, with the NURSE
hanging upside down screaming and EINSTEIN standing
next to her laughing.)

(CAMERA PANS EVEN FURTHER OVER to show yet another
mirror with yet another reflection.  This one has
nothing but two cardboard rectangles marked "EINSTEIN"
and "NURSE".)

    EINSTEIN
    (voice-over)
    I love you!

    NURSE
    (voice-over)
    I love you too!

(The two rectangles begin kissing madly, with loud
smooching noises.)


CUT TO:


(CLOSING CREDITS.)
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December 25, 2005
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