Bad-bye! I think this one's self-explanatory. It's certainly the most coherent thing I've ever written. Heaven-O!
I wrote this on December 24 and 25, 2005.
Kibo presents ------------------------- THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!! ------------------------- episode #10a: "The Back Of The Other Episode!" broadcast on December 25, 2005 (C) Copyright 2005 James "Kibo" Parry (INTERIOR PADDED CALL. The camera is slewing around drunkenly and the colors keep changing. A stern NURSE, who looks like REGIS PHILBIN in drag, is standing in front of a mirror.) NURSE Stop looking into that mirror! It's time for "The Special Show!" (She punches the mirror, which shatters, revealing the revolving chrome logo of "The Special Show!") ANNOUNCER (voice-over) "The Special Show!" was created by this team of eminent psychiatrists... CUT TO: (INTERIOR WOOD-PANELED CONFERENCE ROOM. A dozen very serious-looking elderly PSYCHIATRISTS are sitting around a table staring at the camera silently.) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) ...specifically for this target audience... CUT TO: (INTERIOR PADDED CELL. A CRAZY GUY wearing a Napoleon hat and straitjacket is hanging upside down with his eyes crossed and his tongue hanging out as he laughs maniacally for several seconds. A PSYCHIATRIST from the previous shot enters and points at him.) PSYCHIATRIST (very seriously) This man is crazy. (The NURSE enters.) NURSE Doctor, I think he's asking to watch "The Special Show!" PSYCHIATRIST Then I prescribe that we force him to do what he wants. Give him "The Special Show!" (The NURSE pulls a video cable out of a wall socket and attaches it to the tail end of a syringe. She sticks the needle into the CRAZY GUY's arm -- through the straitjacket sleeve -- and presses the plunger.) (CAMERA ZOOMS IN to the syringe and shoots down the needle into a blood vessel. The red blood cells form up into the logo of "The Special Show!") ANNOUNCER (voice-over) The! Special! Show! (The blood cells re-arrange themselves into the following disclaimer, which the announcer reads:) ANNOUNCER "The Special Show!" is produced for the exclusive use of state mental asylums and must not under any circumstances be enjoyed by any sane people. Any sane person who enjoys "The Special Show!" will be committed to a mental institution. (The blood cells re-arrange into a picture of Kibo.) ANNOUNCER And now, here's the host of "The Special Show!", the world's greatest humanitarian, Kibo! DISSOLVE TO: (STAGE. KIBO strides out from behind the curtains, dressed like Chester A. Arthur.) KIBO Hey everyone, look at me! I'm dressed like Chester A. Arthur! (pause) Okay, I admit it, even I don't know what a Chester A. Arthur costume could look like to make you recognize that I'm Chester A. Arthur. (Enter another KIBO, dressed normally except with a T-shirt saying "I'M CHESTER A. ARTHUR".) KIBO 2 Look at me! I'm Chester A. Arthur! KIBO Hey, you're not supposed to be here. The immutable laws of physics prohibit me from meeting myself. KIBO 2 Oh, you and your laws of physics. Don't take them so seriously. Did you know that the laws of physics were made up by this guy? CUT TO: (ALBERT EINSTEIN, wearing a Napoleon hat and straitjacket, hanging upside down, laughing maniacally.) CUT TO: KIBO You just made a valid point, me. KIBO 2 Why, thank you, even smarter me. KIBO Aw, shucks, you flatter me by telling the truth about how brilliant I am. KIBO 2 Tweren't nothing, especially as you're the smartest one on this stage. Hey, wait -- that means I'm the dumbest one on this stage! KIBO (points and laughs) Haw haw! You're dumb! KIBO 2 I may be dumb, but I'm still glad I'm not this guy! CUT TO: (ALBERT EINSTEIN, still hanging upside down, crying like a baby and wetting himself.) (NURSE enters.) NURSE You're a patient in a mental asylum, yet you still insist on calling yourself "Dr. Einstein". You can't be a doctor and a patient at the same time! (She holds up his diploma and puts it into a paper shredder which says "DIPLOMA SHREDDER" on it. It makes the loudest noise possible, drowning out EINSTEIN's crying.) NURSE Gee, I wonder what other office equipment is as loud as this official diploma shredder. CUT TO: (INTERIOR OFFICE. There are three EMPLOYEES. The first one is using a stapler that has a sign "WORLD'S LOUDEST STAPLER" on it. It is very loud.) EMPLOYEE 1 I am enjoying the loudness of my stapler. EMPLOYEE 2 I'm not. It startled me and I swallowed my gum. EMPLOYEE 1 That's very bad. Don't you know that if you swallow your gum, it stays in your stomach for ten years? EMPLOYEE 3 That's just an old wives' tale and anyone who believes it is an idiot. The truth is that after you swallow seven pieces of gum, they fuse into a glorm. EMPLOYEE 1 (nervously) Um... I think that was the sixth one... but maybe I forgot one... EMPLOYEE 2 What's a glorm? EMPLOYEE 3 That must have been the seventh piece of gum, because here comes the glorm! (With a howling noise, a five-foot-wide wad of pink gum floats in through the doorway and starts slowly following EMPLOYEE 1 around the office.) EMPLOYEE 1 Help! The glorb is after me! EMPLOYEE 2 You got the name wrong. It's not a glorb. It's a blorm. EMPLOYEE 1 How do we stop this blorb? EMPLOYEE 3 It's not a glorb, a blorm, or a blorb! And you should never mention their names, here they come! (A wad of green gum, a wad of orange gum, and a wad of purple gum also float through the doorway, all making creepy howling noises.) EMPLOYEE 1 Help! A blorp, a bleb, a smerp, and a spork are after me! EMPLOYEE 3 No, a spork is an eating utensil. EMPLOYEE 1 Well, tell your tensil not to be eating me! (The glorm forms into a big mouth and tries to bite EMPLOYEE 1's face.) EMPLOYEE 2 (grabbing the stapler) Which one is most vulnerable to the World's Loudest Stapler -- the florp, the bleb, the krunk, or the spenis? EMPLOYEE 3 Look out, they're converging! (The four wads of gum fuse together into one huge bright red BLOB which falls to the floor and starts oozing around.) EMPLOYEE 1 It's the Blob! EMPLOYEE 3 Of course! Because this is the mirror image of the previous episode, since the Blob was in that episode, the Blob has to be in this episode too! Just like Regis Philbin! (REGIS PHILBIN enters.) REGIS PHILBIN Hi, I'm Regis Philbin, and -- (The BLOB grabs him.) REGIS PHILBIN (screaming) It's digesting me! No! Not my talented face! I feel myself fusing with it at the genetic level! (REGIS and the BLOB fuse together into a large red wad shaped like a six-foot-tall Regis face.) EMPLOYEE 3 Oh no! The two of them have merged into Regis Philblob! REGIS PHILBLOB Who wants to be digested? Is that your final answer? Is that your final answer? EMPLOYEE 2 Wow, what an out-dated reference. EMPLOYEE 3 That must have something to do with this being the mirror image of the good show. EMPLOYEE 1 (to EMPLOYEE 2) Hey, that's my stapler! Drop it! (EMPLOYEE 2 drops the World's Loudest Stapler. When it hits the ground it goes "BOOM!" and the entire building shakes.) CUT TO: (EXTERIOR OFFICE BUILDING. Shock waves spread out from the building as the noise reverberates.) CUT TO: (EXTERIOR OUTER SPACE. The Earth floats. Shock waves spread out from one of the cities.) CUT TO: (EXTERIOR PALATIAL MANSION. KIBO is tanning himself by the swimming pool while wearing earmuffs. He doesn't notice as the loud, echoey shockwaves pass through the picture.) KIBO You know, I wonder what makes Benny Hill tick. CUT TO: (ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SCARY STADIUM AT NIGHT) ANNOUNCER (voice-over, on loudspeakers) Ladies and gentlemen, the Scientific Death Arena presents the research fight of the decade, to answer the question, who would win in a fight between Benny Hill and the Six Million Dollar Man? CUT TO: (INTERIOR STADIUM -- wrestling ring) (Two large cardboard rectangles with the word "OBVIOUS" written on each in a different font are hanging from nearly-invisible wires. The two rectangles pretend to have a fight.) (KIBO is in the audience sitting next to a YAKUZA wearing a pin-striped suit.) KIBO Please thank your Yakuza boss for getting me a ticket for this scientific research fight. YAKUZA It is an hona to do so. But, Kibo-san, which lectangle is Mr. Benny Hirr? KIBO Watch! (One of the rectangles knocks the other rectangle down and farts on it.) KIBO (not laughing) He's not exactly Benny Hill-arious. At best, he's Benny Ha-Ha. YAKUZA Ah so, Benny Ha-Ha is my favorite lestaulant! Ching ching chong ching chow! KIBO That's very offensive. Japanese people don't actually talk like that. Only Chinese people do. YAKUZA Prease to be velly solly most honolable sil. Pearlharborpearlharborpearlharbor. KIBO That's much better. You may appear in the next scene. CUT TO: (STAGE. The YAKUZA is holding up a card which says "UNDERACTING & OVERACTING THEATER".) YAKUZA Ploudly plesent "Undelacting and Ovelacting Theata!" (YAKUZA exits. Enter two cheap-looking ROBOTS. The first one speaks without moving at all.) ROBOT 1 (monotone) Oh no we are all going to die hey look a cookie hey this cookie tastes yummy. ROBOT 2 (flailing arms and jumping up and down) I HATE THE OCEAN!!! IT'S LIKE A BIG TOILET WITH TOO MANY FISH IN IT!!! MY UNDERWEAR IS TOO TIGHT!!! I SWALLOWED A NICKEL!!! AAAAAA NIIIIIIIICKELLLLLL!!!!!!!! ROBOT 1 (monotone) A nickel is worth five cents and I have cancer and I ate a cookie. ROBOT 2 (flailing and jumping) I DIDN'T GET A COOKIE!!!!!!!! CUT TO: (EXTERIOR PALATIAL MANSION. KIBO is still lounging by the pool, but now he's dressed like Chester A. Arthur again.) KIBO Hmm, I wonder if the robot got cancer from eating that cookie? Robots aren't as likely to get cancer as regular people. People get cancer just by knowing what a Longaberger basket is. But why are you bothering me here at my pool? You should be entertaining yourselves by listening to an old-time radio program! (KIBO switches on a giant antique radio. We see a close-up of the radio during the rest of the scene.) RADIO ANNOUNCER (voice-over) It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your children are? We do. And now, another episode of "Andy Rooney Goes Down A Slide Into Something!" ANDY ROONEY (voice-over) Maybe I won't seem so elderly if people know I enjoy sliding down brightly-colored playground slides like the one I'm on. (pause) Whee! Oh no, celery! (Loud crunch.) ANDY ROONEY (voice-over) Help me, I'm old! RADIO ANNOUNCER (voice-over) And now, the weather. He's the weather map. (Nothing happens for several seconds.) RADIO ANNOUNCER (voice-over) And now, another episode of "Andy Rooney Goes Down A Slide Into Something!" ANDY ROONEY (voice-over) I sure hope that when I go down the slide this time I won't land in anything messy. (pause) Whee! Oh no, creamed corn! (Loud splat.) ANDY ROONEY (voice-over) Help me, I'm old! RADIO ANNOUNCER (voice-over) And now, the old-time radio channel ends its broadcast day. Thank you for listening, your radio will now self-destruct. (The radio explodes. KIBO is still sunning himself, with his eyes closed.) KIBO Well, that killed time, didn't it? Did you notice how you couldn't actually see the weather map on the radio? That was sort of clever. That's the miracle of old-time radio -- you had to use your imagination to make up a better program than what you were listening to. (Enter ABRAHAM LINCOLN as KIBO's butler.) ABRAHAM LINCOLN I, your butler, am bringing you your tea, sir. (KIBO smacks the tray out of LINCOLN's hand.) KIBO I didn't ask for tea, you stinkin' Lincoln! ABRAHAM LINCOLN Very well, sir. I'll get back in my box with Batman. (LINCOLN walks back to the mansion, goes inside, and climbs into a large cardboard box. BATMAN is also inside, sitting on a large piece of bubble wrap.) BATMAN Well? LINCOLN He wouldn't drink the poison tea. BATMAN Curse Kibo's deviously clever finickiness. LINCOLN Well, we'll try again tomorrow. Good night. (They pull the bubble wrap over themselves like a blanket and start snoring.) (Back at the pool, KIBO is also snoring. Then the KOOL-AID PITCHER enters by smashing through the picket fence.) KOOL-AID MAN Ohhhhh yeahhhhh! (KIBO, annoyed at being woken up, trips him.) KOOL-AID MAN Whoops! (He falls into the pool.) KOOL-AID MAN (sinking) Help, my precious bodily fluids are being diluted! (The red face fades from the pitcher, and at the same time a larger red face appears on the surface of the pool.) KOOL-AID MAN (weakly) Oh no, I am dilute! I am less intense! I am less extreme! (KIBO grabs a little chain connected to a plug at the bottom of the pool, and prepares to yank it.) KIBO Like all the best pools, my pool drains directly into the ocean! (KIBO pulls the plug and KOOL-AID MAN screams as he is sucked down the drain.) (CAMERA ZOOMS OUT and flies into the sky, up through the clouds. The Earth is still floating in space. The oceans turn read and a face appears in the mid-Atlantic.) KOOL-AID MAN (very faintly) I am now so dilute nobody will ever love me! THE SUN (developing a face and pointing) Haw haw! You're homeopathically pathetic! CUT TO: (INTERIOR ANIMATION STUDIO. There are hundreds of sweat-stained KOREAN ANIMATORS drawing at frantic speed. MATT GROENING is writing a letter.) MATT GROENING (reading what he's writing) Dear... Kibo... please... stop... stealing... one... of... our... many... catchphrases. Sincerely... Matt... Groening. (He folds up the letter and puts it in an envelope, then licks the envelope and winces in pain.) MATT GROENING Ow! I got a paper cut on my tongue! HUNDREDS OF KOREAN ANIMATORS (pointing) Haw haw! (A single tear slides down MATT's cheek.) KIBO (voice-over) Hey, that was a good tear! And now, let's check in with Andy Rooney! (We continue to see MATT GROENING with the tear sliding slowly down his cheek while we hear the old-time radio program.) ANDY ROONEY (voice-over) Maybe if I close my eyes before I go down this slide, I won't get scared... (pause) Whee! Oh no, hermit crabs! (Many snapping sounds.) ANDY ROONEY (voice-over) Help me, I'm old! (A single drop of blood falls from MATT GROENING's tongue.) KIBO (voice-over) We could never have shown that back in the days when all entertainment was wholesome... CUT TO: (EXTERIOR DEEP SPACE. Stars are streaming past the camera like wobbly snowflakes. A title in block letters zooms out of the distance: "GENE RODDENBERRY'S WAGON TRAIN TO SECOND BASE".) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) Gene Roddenberry's Wagon Train To Second Base! Brought to you by: CUT TO: (Photo of a Longaberger basket.) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) Longaberger baskets! Remember, you only get cancer if you know what one is! I said that earlier in this episode so you should've known it was a plot point! ANGRY PERSON (voice-over, off-mike) That's not a plot point because there's no damn plot! ANNOUNCER (voice-over) How did you get in here -- hey, let go of the microphone -- ANGRY PERSON (voice-over, overlapping with previous) People of the world, listen to me! The show you are watching is a scam! It's not a real show! It's just a script that you're reading on the Internet! (Sound of a scuffle, much grunting and punching.) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) Please stand by, we'll -- ANGRY PERSON (voice-over) Damn you and your imaginary show and your sponsor, Longaberger baskets! (CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that KIBO is holding the photo of the Longaberger basket. He chucks it over his shoulder.) KIBO I have no idea who either of those people were, but I assure you, you are actually watching the show you think you're watching. This is not your imagination. This is television. And now, stay tuned to this perfectly real television show as we present another installment of "World's Adjective Noun!" CUT TO: (Photo of a small diamond with a faucet trickling water on it.) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) World's... Wettest... Diamond! CUT TO: (Woman with Pac-Man and his four ghost pals wiggling around in her hair.) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) World's... Weirdest... Dandruff! CUT TO: (An ameba seen through a microscope.) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) World's... Gayest... Ameba! CUT TO: (A birthday cake with lit candles, sitting on the ground.) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) World's... Flattest... Birthday Cake! (SUPERMAN picks up a skyscraper and uses it to smash the cake. JIMMY OLSEN enters.) JIMMY OLSEN My cake! My b-birthday cake! Why did you smash my birthday cake, Superman? SUPERMAN (voice-over, thinking to himself) I can't tell Jimmy the real reason I had to save the world by destroying his cake! (speaking aloud) Jimmy, I crushed your cake because you suck! (JIMMY OLSEN bursts into tears and runs away, crying.) SUPERMAN Say, I haven't seen my friend Batman lately. (A FEDEX COURIER enters with a large cardboard box.) FEDEX COURIER Batman delivery for Mr. Superman! (He hands SUPERMAN the box, and BATMAN's head pops out.) BATMAN Hello, Superman, old chum! SUPERMAN Great Scott! It's Batman! But why are you living in a cardboard box? BATMAN Abraham Lincoln bogarted my Hefty bag. CUT TO: (EXTERIOR PALATIAL MANSION -- the trash is awaiting collection, and ABRAHAM LINCOLN is up to his neck in one of the trash bags.) ABRAHAM LINCOLN At last, with Batman gone, I have this trash bag all to myself! (A trash truck pulls up and a GARBAGEMAN throws the bag into the back, where it is immediately crushed by the powerful hydraulic press. The GARBAGEMAN gets in the truck and drives off. We see that the side of the truck says "JOHN WILKES BOOTH RE-INCARNATED AS A GARBAGE TRUCK.") (KIBO enters and waves at the truck.) KIBO Hey, come back! I was still using that Lincoln! I needed him for the next sketch, where he gets into a boxing match against a cardboard rectangle that represents New Improved Fartless Benny Hill! (to camera) Well, now the show is ruined so we'll have to stop here. Good night. CUT TO: (INTERIOR WOOD-PANELED CONFERENCE ROOM. The dozen elderly psychiatrists are watching the previous scene on a small TV set into one of the walls.) PSYCHIATRIST After however many episodes of "The Special Show!" this has been, at last we're getting closer to a cure for Albert Einstein. CUT TO: (INTERIOR PADDED CELL. EINSTEIN is still hanging upside down crying hysterically, with the needle in his arm. The NURSE enters.) NURSE Show's over, Albie. (She pulls the needle out of his arm. There is a hissing noise and her hair is blown back by the air escaping from the little hole in EINSTEIN's arm. EINSTEIN deflates.) NURSE Well, that was unexpected. (A cardboard rectangle with "I AM BENNY HILL" written on it enters, dangling from wires. It presses up again the hole in EINSTEIN's arm and farts into it for several seconds, and EINSTEIN re-inflates.) EINSTEIN (chipper) I'm cured! NURSE Good! Then as a reward, you can watch another episode of "The Special Show!" EINSTEIN Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (CAMERA PANS OVER to mirror, showing a reflection of the scene, except that in the mirror's version there are two EINSTEINs hanging upside down and no cardboard rectangle. Both EINSTEINs are screaming.) (CAMERA PANS FURTHER OVER to show that there is another mirror inside the mirror reflection, with the NURSE hanging upside down screaming and EINSTEIN standing next to her laughing.) (CAMERA PANS EVEN FURTHER OVER to show yet another mirror with yet another reflection. This one has nothing but two cardboard rectangles marked "EINSTEIN" and "NURSE".) EINSTEIN (voice-over) I love you! NURSE (voice-over) I love you too! (The two rectangles begin kissing madly, with loud smooching noises.) CUT TO: (CLOSING CREDITS.)
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December 25, 2005
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