I would like to thank the following technical advisors:
Wilhelm Wundt, for giving me a furry little friend.
Phillip Zimbardo, for letting me stay in his basement.
Stanley Milgram, for the "XXX" shock therapy.
THE SPECIAL SHOW! ================= EPISODE #2: FUDGE... COMING UP! (first broadcast 1/25/97) Copyright (C) 1996 James "Kibo" Parry Todos los derechos reservados. FADE IN A stern-looking, rather wide NURSE (who looks like a much larger Mel Torme after a sex change, with glasses) is dressed entirely in white, standing in front of a white padded wall. NURSE That isn't funny! Give me that! She reaches past the camera and takes a white rubber chicken from the viewer. NURSE Instead, you can take your medication... or you can watch this. The camera pans over to an endless white corridor with no doors or windows. A white TV on a white cart rolls into view from screen left. The screen shows a revolving chrome logo, "THE SPECIAL SHOW". ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The! Special! Show! As he shouts that, the TV begins to roll away from us, down the corridor, very rapidly. The hand-held camera runs after it as it recedes into the distance. FADE TO WHITE FADE TO: KIBO, our cheerful host, is dressed like a Cossack, standing in front of a giant photographic blowup of a microchip. There are giant cockroaches crawling along the circuitry. He will be in front of this background, dressed like this, during all the host segments. KIBO Hello, my name is Kibo. Welcome to the second fun-packed episode of The Special Show! Since our last episode, we've received thousands of letters asking why we don't do more educational segments. Here's an educational segment! TITLE CARD: THE GREAT INVENTION ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The great invention! Two NERDS, wearing lab coats, are standing behind a lab table. The one on the left holds a comb with a radio antenna. The one on the right has a toothbrush with a radio antenna. COMB NERD Thanks to this high-powered transmitter, now I can comb my hair while he brushes his teeth! TOOTH NERD We will show you now! The COMB NERD combs his hair, the TOOTH NERD brushes his teeth. They finish. COMB NERD Wow! That was refreshing! TOOTH NERD Yes! It was! Lightning bolts jump between their heads for several seconds as they scream in agony. The lightning bolts disappear and the NERDS are all scorched. COMB NERD My hair burned off! TOOTH NERD My teeth fell out! BOTH NERDS (together) Now we have made hygiene unnecessary forever. Hooray! INSERT: Still picture of rubber duck SFX: wacky slide whistle noises TITLE CARD: ANOTHER GENIUS ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Another genius! KIBO and STEPHEN HAWKING are in front of the microchip backdrop. KIBO Professor Hawking, what are two and two? HAWKING (robotic voice) I, cannot, tell, you, the, answer, because, I, cannot, talk. SUPERIMPOSE a big red "X" over Hawking's head. (It stays there.) SFX: Buzzer HAWKING Now, I, must, wear, the, X, of, shame, forever. KIBO Well, I guess he's learned his lesson! TITLE CARD: JUST LIKE MOMMY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Just like mommy! A little GIRL is pretending to vacuum the rug with a toy vacuum cleaner, one of the transparent ones with little plastic pellets bouncing around the inside. Pan over to reveal that MOMMY is pushing a larger transparent vacuum cleaner, with a cup of coffee, a rolled-up newspaper, and high-heeled shoes bouncing around inside. INSERT: closeup of shocked little girl SFX: xylophone glissando TITLE CARD: OUT TO SEA ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Out to sea! A CAPTAIN and FIRST MATE are on an old-time sailing ship. Their clothes are tattered as if they have been at sea a very long time. They have beards. The captain has an eyepatch. The mate is looking through a telescope. FIRST MATE Land ho! CAPTAIN Let me see! The FIRST MATE holds out the telescope, which still has his eyeball attached to the back end. The CAPTAIN hands him the eyepatch and jams the eyeball into his eye socket. CAPTAIN Yes, there it is! Set course for the land! FIRST MATE Aye aye, Skipper! We see the ship pull up to a Monopoly board floating in the water. The MATE jumps onto it. FIRST MATE I win! CAPTAIN No, I win! He pulls a lever and the boat zooms up into the air with jet engines, and disappears. FIRST MATE Rats. I always lose this game! INSERT: Close-up of pewter cannon, dog, and shoe running around his feet, Gumby-style. SFX: foghorn CUT TO: KIBO, against the microchip backdrop. KIBO Well, everyone should be satisfied now that we've shown six educational segments so far tonight! But let's not forget that part of this show is PURE FUN! Here it is... TITLE CARD: GREATEST DISASTER EVER ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Greatest disaster ever! Two BOYS are eating school lunches on the playground, from brown paper bags. BOY #1 takes out a small globe of the Earth and bites it. BOY #2 I'll trade you some of my peanut butter for a bite of Australia. BOY #1 Oops! He drops his Earth into the other boy's open jar of peanut butter. BOY #2 You got your Earth in my peanut butter! BOY #1 Oh no, the world is doomed! They both scream as a hundred gallons of peanut butter fall on them. DISSOLVE TO: TITLE CARD: THE FOLLOWING SEGMENT IS RECOMMENDED FOR VIOLENT PSYCHOPATHS ONLY. DISCRETION OF THE WARD STAFF IS ADVISED. DISSOLVE TO: TITLE CARD: MEET THE MIDGET ANNOUNCER (V.O., whispering) Meet the midget! REX REED and RAQUEL WELCH, in matching lace outfits, are dancing down the street, holding hands. WELCH Look, a midget! REED Let's get him, sister! They take baseball bats from behind their backs and start beating the MIDGET. This continues for about twenty minutes. MATCH-CUT to turn the MIDGET into a crying BABY in a diaper. WELCH Now he's cured! REED How lucky for all Mankind! Holding hands, they skip off down the street. The BABY cries for a little while, then finds a twenty-dollar bill in the street, and tears it up into confetti, which he throws in the air. INSERT: Close-up of baby laughing SFX: Crowd shouting "Way to go, baby!" FREEZE ON LAUGHING BABY. DISSOLVE TO: KIBO, in front of the microchip and cockroaches. And now, here's a little something for the paranoid schizophrenics! This scene takes place on a stage. Two MEN in business suits, each carrying a briefcase, a newspaper, and an umbrella, meet. MAN #1 Hello, old chap. MAN #2 Hello, old bean. MAN #1 Say, are you stealing my thoughts with your secret third eye? MAN #2 Why, no, I am not. MAN #1 I believe you. INSERT: Camera zooming in and out madly on revolving red light for five seconds SFX: Alarm klaxon MAN #2 However, I suspect you are stealing my thoughts. MAN #1 How could I be stealing your thoughts, when you have no head? MAN #2 Oh. I forgot. INSERT: Still picture of yellow "smiley" SFX: Ding The two MEN depart. The curtain comes down. DISSOLVE TO: TITLE CARD: MEAT GRINDER ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Meat Grinder! A gourmet CHEF puts a pork chop into his meat grinder and begins turning the crank. Instead of ground meat, a human hand comes out of the other side of the grinder! It picks up a nearby gun and shoots the chef. FADE TO BLACK FADE IN: KIBO is playing chess with ALBERT EINSTEIN, using a comically large chessboard with foot-tall pieces. Kibo moves one of his pieces. Einstein reaches into his ear and pulls out his brain, which he sets on the board. Kibo jumps one of his knights over it and grabs the brain. KIBO Ha! I won your brain, Professor Einstein! Now I am TWICE as smart as you! EINSTEIN Now I must burn everything I ever wrote because I am stupid. KIBO Have no fear, Professor Einstein, this will be our little secret! Nobody will ever realize you have no brain! (confidentially to the camera) Except us. (winks) EINSTEIN sets a sheaf of papers on fire with a cigarette lighter. His sweater and hair catch fire and he runs around in circles screaming with his whole body in flames! EINSTEIN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! His body explodes in a little nuclear mushroom cloud. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: A SURPRISE VISIT FROM BOB HOPE ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now... a surprise visit from Bob Hope! A curtain rises. A TEAMSTER wheels in a mummified corpse with its feet nailed to a dolly. The Teamster exits. "Bob Hope" speaks, his lips being operated by large and obvious wires leading offscreen. BOB HOPE (V.O. that sounds nothing like him) Hi, everybody, I'm Bob Hope. Hey, how about the current President? He's much better than the one we used to have. Instead of doing that thing the other guy used to do, now he does the other thing the current President is known for! (long pause for laughter that doesn't come) And now I shall do my little dance. SFX: Tape of "Rock Around The Clock" More wires start tilting Bob Hope back and forth. BOB HOPE (V.O.) La la la... la la la... la la la... la la la... CUT TO: TITLE CARD: FUNNY BUS-NESS ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Funny bus hyphen ness! We see a row of yellow school buses waiting at the end of the school day. The camera pans down the line to the end, where we see the little bus. A cowboy is sitting on the roof, waving his hat in the air and hollering. COWBOY YEEEE-HAAAAAA! YEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAA! (turns to the camera; speaks without any emotion) They go faster when I do this. YEEEEE-HAAAAAAA! YEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAA! A boy, STEVIE, gets off the bus. Two BULLIES point at him and laugh. BULLY #1 Ha ha ha ha! Stevie rides the little bus! BULLY #2 Hey little bus boy! Ha ha ha ha ha! MICHAEL JORDAN gets of the bus. BULLY #1 Michael Jordan MICHAEL JORDAN (putting his hand on Stevie's shoulder) Hey guys, why are you making fun of my pal Stevie? BULLY #2 'Cause he rides the little bus! BULLY #1 Yeah and also we think we are better than him! MICHAEL JORDAN Is that so? Well, I'll have you know that the little bus uses less gas than a full-size bus. Therefore it's better for the environment and the so the kids who ride it are better than you! The BULLIES burst into tears and run away, rubbing their knuckles against their eyes. MICHAEL JORDAN Looks like they're learning their lessons the hard way. STEVIE Gosh, Michael Jordan, when I grow up, can I be the world's greatest basketball player like you? MICHAEL JORDAN Sure, Stevie, but only if you ride the little bus. COWBOY (without emotion) When I grow up I'm going to be Abraham Lincoln. YEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAA! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! CUT TO: KIBO, in the Cossack outfit, in front of the roach-covered microchip. KIBO Wow, I sure learned a lot! If you learned as much as me, stay tuned for more fun! CUT TO: TITLE CARD: FUDGE ANNOUNCER Fudge! We see a close-up of a block of fudge for about fifteen seconds. ANNOUNCER You're welcome! CUT TO: KIBO waves goodbye. KIBO Good night, everyone! Sleep careful! CUT TO: The white TV set rolls down the endless hallway until it approaches a door at the far end. A POLICEMAN in an all-white uniform opens the white door. The TV cart goes through (along with the camera) and falls into a pit of flames! SATAN Ha! I've got you now, Special Show! ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The Special Show will be back next week! SATAN Curse you, voice from the air! CUT TO: TITLE CARD: A PRODUCTION OF THE SPECIAL CHANNEL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) We always win!
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December 25, 1999
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