Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present another perfectly ordinary episode of THE SPECIAL SHOW. And I know you'll enjoy reading it every bit as much as I enjoyed researching it by staging all these events for real.
(Parts of this had previously been seen in misspelled form in alt.religion.kibology.)
THE SPECIAL SHOW! ================= EPISODE #3: THE BOUNCING BABY BRICK! (first broadcast 7/9/97) Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry Todos los derechos reservados. FADE IN Inside an all-white padded room, a guy in a white straightjacket is screaming. A NURSE in a white uniform (she looks like a female Peter Graves) enters and zaps him with a TV remote control. He turns into static momentarily and then becomes THE SPECIAL SHOW logo floating in mid-air. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The! Special! Show! FADE TO WHITE FADE TO: KIBO, the most trusted television personality as determined by a survey of insane people, is wearing a wacky clown costume covered with bright polka dots of every color imaginable. His wacky wide necktie says "E=mc^2" in large letters. He is standing in front of a giant, revolving globe of the Earth. Offscreen archers are shooting arrows into the Earth. Kibo will introduce each segment of The Special Show from this set. KIBO Hello, my name is Kibo. Welcome to the third episode of The Special Show! This one's a real doozy. It'll be so spectacular, it'll make history! And speaking of history, many of you have written us asking for more sketches about politics, particularly the conspiracy to build a subway tunnel for UFOs to travel between Washington and Four Corners. So without any further ado... FADE TO BLACK FADE IN: TITLE CARD: POLITICS AS USUAL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Politics as usual! BILL CLINTON and his wife, HILLARY, are in bed in the Oval Office. MUSIC: SCRATCHY RECORD OF "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYING SOFTLY THROUGHOUT SCENE BILL CLINTON Honey, I've got it. HILLARY CLINTON I thought the doctor said-- BILL CLINTON No, I mean I've found the answer, at long last, to my problem. HILLARY CLINTON You mean you've finally come up with the idea that will let you dominate all world history for all future generations? BILL CLINTON Yes. I will fake my own assassination. Then they will be able to put my picture on stamps and coins. Later I will come out of hiding. Because all stamps and coins will have MY picture, they will become my property! I will be able to buy the world! HILLARY CLINTON And I will be able to replace people with robots! The bed begins to bounce up and down. BILL CLINTON Honey, what's that? HILLARY CLINTON Oh, honey, I mean to tell you earlier, but... well, the waterbed isn't filled with WATER. BILL CLINTON Then what the hell did you fill our waterbed with? HILLARY CLINTON Communists! The bed rips open and a COMMUNIST (with a long beard) pops out between them. He is holding a spherical black bomb with a sparkler in the top. COMMUNIST In the name of the new world order, I claim this bed in the name of anarchy! JOHN F. KENNEDY also sticks his head out of the bag. JOHN F. KENNEDY Hey! I already did that! HILLARY CLINTON (pointing offscreen) Gosh! Look at Chelsea! She's escaped from the lab again! A ROBOT, wearing a sign around its neck which says "CHELSEA CLINTON MARK II", rolls into the room. ROBOT (waving its arms) Destroy! Destroy! Destroy! BILL CLINTON Oh, honey, it's wonderful, she's just like us! STOCK FOOTAGE: ATOMIC BOMB EXPLOSION FADE TO BLACK ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The Special Show will be back after the following commercial. FADE IN: A GUERRILLA, in camouflage fatigues, is running through a tropical jungle with a huge backpack. Somewhere a schoolbell rings. His foot snags a hidden trip wire, and he falls, as cans of Beefaroni spill from his backpack. GUERILLA (as he falls) Yaaaaagh! The camera PANS ACROSS his hideously mangled body and the cans of Beefaroni that litter the ground. RADIO (V.O.) Murphy! Johnson! School is out! Repeat, school is out! REVEAL that ANDY DICK JR., in a bright red shirt, with tomato sauce all over his face, is eating from one of the cans of Beefaroni. ANDY DICK JR. MMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! BEEFY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He begins to dance on the GUERILLA's corpse. FADE TO BLACK ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now, back to The Special Show! FADE IN: KIBO is wearing a different necktie, which says "E=mc^2" in a different typeface. KIBO Now, The Special Show would like to present a very special segment for our special audience! (whispering into the camera lens) This means you! TITLE CARD: AT THE TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING ANNOUNCER (V.O.) At the top of the Empire State Building! Three GUYS are standing on the observation deck at the top of the Empire State Building. Behind them is a steel tower with blinking lights all over it and a sign which says "DEADLY MICROWAVE TRANSMITTER". GUY #1 In college I had a physics professor who said that there was no up or down in space and that gravity was a relative concept. GUY #2 What a load of hogwash! GUY #3 Yeah, total bunk! GUY #1 I suppose then YOU'D say that if I stepped over this railing, I'd fall "down". GUY #2 Yes, you'll die, because we disagree with your theory. GUY #3 No theory can save you from plummeting to a hideous death! GUY #1 Here I go! GUY #1 steps over the railing and is left standing in mid-air. GUY #2 and GUY #3 scream as they are hurled upward, out of frame, at tremendous velocity! GUY #1 Just goes to show you, you can prove anything with "science". MUSIC: WACKY STING FADE TO BLACK ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The Special Show will be back after the following commercial. FADE IN: KIBO is on a boat (with several other people) looking through a telescope. KIBO I've waited my whole life to see the elusive blueback whale and Halley's comet! WOMAN You're kidding! KIBO Hey, my gum lost its flavor! Where's the flavor? KIBO takes off his shoe and starts looking inside it. Meanwhile, Halley's Comet zooms past and a whale jumps over it! WOMAN Oh! That is so spiritual! (to Kibo) Maybe somebody got it on videotape. KIBO But what will become of me now? WOMAN You'll be executed... of course. KIBO And to think none of this would have happened if I hadn't chewed gum! CLOSE-UP of a pack of Extra sugarfree gum. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Don't chew gum! But if you do, chew Extra, the only gum that contains a special chemical that lets you see whales jumping over comets! FADE TO BLACK ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now, back to The Special Show. FADE UP: KIBO, standing in front of the globe again. KIBO Well, that commercial was most entertaining. And I got free gum! But now... a change of pace. (The image darkens and the camera tilts. Kibo is lit from the side.) It's time for a visit to... (cut to camera #2, in extreme close- up. Kibo spins around to face it.) ...THE FUDGE FACTORY!!! FX: THUNDER MUSIC: EERIE TITLE CARD: THE FUDGE FACTORY (superimpose lightning bolts) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) THE FUDGE FACTORY!!!!!!!! MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING ESTABLISHING SHOT: Front of restaurant with a sign, "The Fudge Factory". CUT TO: DAN, MOLLY, and NED are reading menus in a fancy restaurant. The WAITER approaches their table. WAITER (very snooty) Good evening. And how are we tonight? May I take your order? DAN (hands him a menu) I'll have six servings of ultra-greasy deep-fried onion rings in curry sauce, and a side order of warm durian Jell-O. MOLLY (hands him her menu) I'll have the expired creamed chipped beef topped with runny lutefisk and grated Ex-Lax. NED I don't like fancy restaurants. Hey, this menu's all weird. What kind of restaurant is this? WAITER (snooty) Monsieur, The Fudge Factory is the world's only restaurant where you go to GET diarrhea! NED Oh! I understand perfectly. I'll just cut to the chase and order a big bowl of diarrhea. WAITER (snooty) A big bowl of diarrhea. Is that all? NED No, wait... I think I'll have the diarrhea... MIXED WITH COTTAGE CHEESE. Everyone in the room does a spit-take; general shouts of "Ewwwww!" and "Gross!" MUSIC: WACKY STING IRIS IN TO BLACK IRIS OUT TO: KIBO is standing in front of the globe again, with another "E=mc^2" necktie. KIBO You know, fancy restaurants aren't the only places to serve bathroom humor! CUT TO: NED and his friend FRED are standing in a black limbo set next to a large wacky sign which says "BUS STOP", with one backwards "S". NED Hey, let's go to Diaper Burger! FRED No way! I'm not eating at no Diaper Burger! NED But they have the best burgers in the world. They're and are nutritious and delicious and contain no diapers. FRED But then why is it called Diaper Burger? NED Here, try this one and you'll see. NED hands him one. FRED takes a bite, and his pants disappear. He is now wearing diapers. FX: DING FRED Wow! This burger tastes so good I don't mind wearing diapers! SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE WEARING DIAPERS dance into view. SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE WEARING DIAPERS That goes double for us! (singing and high-kicking) Diapers... diapers... diapers! La la la la DIAPERS!!!! NED See, I told you Diaper Burger was better than anything. Try another bite! FRED takes another bite, and with a "ding!" his head turns into a talking diaper. DIAPERHEAD FRED Golly! These burgers are super! NED (to the camera) Diaper Burger! Eat one today! SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE WEARING DIAPERS La la la la la DIAPERS DIAPERS DIAPERS!!! A giant diaper on wheels, with a "BUS" sign on the side (with a backwards "S") pulls up, and they get into it. EVERYONE We love Diaper Burger! ANNOUNCER (V.O.) You must eat burger to wear diaper. FX: DING CUT TO: KIBO, wearing yet another "E=mc^2" necktie. KIBO But enough hilarity. He rips off his clown wig and nose and takes off the funny tie. The background changes to a giant close-up of a row of disembodied doll heads lit from beneath. KIBO This is the IMPORTANT part of The Special Show. High culture or low culture? You decide. The fate of the world hangs in the balance. TITLE CARD: FOR MUSIC LOVERS ANNOUNCER (V.O.) For Music Lovers! A LITTLE GIRL has toy xylophone. Very slowly, she strikes each note in sequence. Standing next to her, ALBERT EINSTEIN puts his hands over his ears each time she hits a note. She hits the final one, and his head explodes. She giggles. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: THE NEXT SEGMENT HAS A SURPRISE ENDING ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Warning: the following segment has a surprise ending. FULLER BRUSH SALESMAN (holding a box of brushes) Hello, I would like to CUT TO: BLACK ANNOUNCER (V.O.) THE END! FADE IN: KIBO is in front of the eerie doll heads. KIBO Well, that's the end of another wonderful episode of CUT TO: BLACK ANNOUNCER (V.O.) THE END! CUT TO: CLOSE-UP of the screaming straightjacket guy. Pull back to reveal he is rolling around on the floor of the padded room. There are bloodstains dripping down the walls. The nurse is holding a large inflatable duck-shaped pool toy, the kind with the hole in the middle. NURSE And just for that, you'll get CUT TO: BLACK ANNOUNCER (V.O.) THE END! Hold on black for several seconds. FX: FLIES BUZZING