Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present another perfectly ordinary episode of THE SPECIAL SHOW. And I know you'll enjoy reading it every bit as much as I enjoyed researching it by staging all these events for real.

(Parts of this had previously been seen in misspelled form in alt.religion.kibology.)




                           THE SPECIAL SHOW!
                           =================
        
                              EPISODE #3:
           
                        THE BOUNCING BABY BRICK!

                        (first broadcast 7/9/97)


                 Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry
                    Todos los derechos reservados.


FADE IN

Inside an all-white padded room, a guy in a white straightjacket
is screaming. A NURSE in a white uniform (she looks like a
female Peter Graves) enters and zaps him with a TV remote
control. He turns into static momentarily and then becomes THE
SPECIAL SHOW logo floating in mid-air.

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      The! Special! Show!

FADE TO WHITE

FADE TO:

KIBO, the most trusted television personality as determined by a
survey of insane people, is wearing a wacky clown costume
covered with bright polka dots of every color imaginable. His
wacky wide necktie says "E=mc^2" in large letters. He is
standing in front of a giant, revolving globe of the Earth.
Offscreen archers are shooting arrows into the Earth. Kibo will
introduce each segment of The Special Show from this set.

      KIBO
      Hello, my name is Kibo. Welcome to the third episode of
      The Special Show! This one's a real doozy. It'll be so
      spectacular, it'll make history! And speaking of history,
      many of you have written us asking for more sketches
      about politics, particularly the conspiracy to build
      a subway tunnel for UFOs to travel between Washington
      and Four Corners. So without any further ado...
      
FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:

TITLE CARD: POLITICS AS USUAL

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      Politics as usual!
      
BILL CLINTON and his wife, HILLARY, are in bed in the Oval
Office.

MUSIC: SCRATCHY RECORD OF "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYING SOFTLY
THROUGHOUT SCENE

      BILL CLINTON
      Honey, I've got it.
      
      HILLARY CLINTON
      I thought the doctor said--
      
      BILL CLINTON
      No, I mean I've found the answer, at long last, to my
      problem.
      
      HILLARY CLINTON
      You mean you've finally come up with the idea that
      will let you dominate all world history for all future
      generations?
      
      BILL CLINTON
      Yes. I will fake my own assassination. Then they will be
      able to put my picture on stamps and coins. Later I will 
      come out of hiding. Because all stamps and coins will 
      have MY picture, they will become my property!
      I will be able to buy the world!
      
      HILLARY CLINTON
      And I will be able to replace people with robots!
      
The bed begins to bounce up and down.

      BILL CLINTON
      Honey, what's that?
      
      HILLARY CLINTON
      Oh, honey, I mean to tell you earlier, but... well, the
      waterbed isn't filled with WATER.
      
      BILL CLINTON
      Then what the hell did you fill our waterbed with?
      
      HILLARY CLINTON
      Communists!
      
The bed rips open and a COMMUNIST (with a long beard) pops out
between them. He is holding a spherical black bomb with a
sparkler in the top.

      COMMUNIST
      In the name of the new world order, I claim this bed in
      the name of anarchy!

JOHN F. KENNEDY also sticks his head out of the bag.

      JOHN F. KENNEDY
      Hey! I already did that!
      
      HILLARY CLINTON (pointing offscreen)
      Gosh! Look at Chelsea! She's escaped from the lab again!
      
A ROBOT, wearing a sign around its neck which says "CHELSEA
CLINTON MARK II", rolls into the room.

      ROBOT (waving its arms)
      Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!
      
      BILL CLINTON
      Oh, honey, it's wonderful, she's just like us!
      
STOCK FOOTAGE: ATOMIC BOMB EXPLOSION

FADE TO BLACK

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      The Special Show will be back after the following
      commercial.
      
FADE IN:

A GUERRILLA, in camouflage fatigues, is running through a
tropical jungle with a huge backpack. Somewhere a schoolbell
rings. His foot snags a hidden trip wire, and he falls, as cans
of Beefaroni spill from his backpack.

      GUERILLA
      (as he falls)
      Yaaaaagh!

The camera PANS ACROSS his hideously mangled body and the cans
of Beefaroni that litter the ground.

      RADIO (V.O.)
      Murphy! Johnson! School is out! Repeat, school is out!
      
REVEAL that ANDY DICK JR., in a bright red shirt, with tomato
sauce all over his face, is eating from one of the cans of
Beefaroni.

      ANDY DICK JR.
      MMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! BEEFY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      
He begins to dance on the GUERILLA's corpse.

FADE TO BLACK

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      And now, back to The Special Show!

FADE IN:

KIBO is wearing a different necktie, which says "E=mc^2" in a
different typeface.

      KIBO
      Now, The Special Show would like to present a very special
      segment for our special audience! (whispering into the camera
      lens) This means you!

TITLE CARD: AT THE TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      At the top of the Empire State Building!
      
Three GUYS are standing on the observation deck at the top of
the Empire State Building. Behind them is a steel tower with
blinking lights all over it and a sign which says "DEADLY
MICROWAVE TRANSMITTER".

      GUY #1
      In college I had a physics professor who said that there
      was no up or down in space and that gravity was a relative
      concept.

      GUY #2
      What a load of hogwash!
      
      GUY #3
      Yeah, total bunk!
      
      GUY #1
      I suppose then YOU'D say that if I stepped over this
      railing, I'd fall "down".

      GUY #2
      Yes, you'll die, because we disagree with your theory.
      
      GUY #3
      No theory can save you from plummeting to a hideous death!
      
      GUY #1
      Here I go!
      
GUY #1 steps over the railing and is left standing in mid-air.
GUY #2 and GUY #3 scream as they are hurled upward, out of
frame, at tremendous velocity!

      GUY #1
      Just goes to show you, you can prove anything with
      "science".
      
MUSIC: WACKY STING

FADE TO BLACK

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      The Special Show will be back after the following
      commercial.
      
FADE IN:

KIBO is on a boat (with several other people) looking through a
telescope.

      KIBO
      I've waited my whole life to see the elusive blueback whale
      and Halley's comet!
      
      WOMAN
      You're kidding!
      
      KIBO
      Hey, my gum lost its flavor! Where's the flavor?
      
KIBO takes off his shoe and starts looking inside it. Meanwhile,
Halley's Comet zooms past and a whale jumps over it!

      WOMAN
      Oh! That is so spiritual! (to Kibo) Maybe somebody got it
      on videotape.
      
      KIBO
      But what will become of me now?
      
      WOMAN
      You'll be executed... of course.
      
      KIBO
      And to think none of this would have happened if I hadn't
      chewed gum!
      
CLOSE-UP of a pack of Extra sugarfree gum.

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      Don't chew gum! But if you do, chew Extra, the only gum
      that contains a special chemical that lets you see whales
      jumping over comets!
      
FADE TO BLACK

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      And now, back to The Special Show.

FADE UP:

KIBO, standing in front of the globe again.

      KIBO
      Well, that commercial was most entertaining. And I got free
      gum! But now... a change of pace. (The image darkens and the 
      camera tilts.  Kibo is lit from the side.)
      It's time for a visit to... (cut to camera #2, in extreme close-
      up. Kibo spins around to face it.) ...THE FUDGE FACTORY!!!
      
FX: THUNDER
MUSIC: EERIE

TITLE CARD: THE FUDGE FACTORY (superimpose lightning bolts)

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      THE FUDGE FACTORY!!!!!!!!
      
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING

ESTABLISHING SHOT: Front of restaurant with a sign, "The Fudge
Factory".

CUT TO:

DAN, MOLLY, and NED are reading menus in a fancy
restaurant. The WAITER approaches their table.
      
      WAITER (very snooty)
      Good evening. And how are we tonight? May I take your
      order?
      
      DAN
      (hands him a menu) I'll have six servings of ultra-greasy
      deep-fried onion rings in curry sauce, and a side order of
      warm durian Jell-O.
      
      MOLLY
      (hands him her menu) I'll have the expired creamed chipped
      beef topped with runny lutefisk and grated Ex-Lax.
      
      NED
      I don't like fancy restaurants.  Hey, this menu's all weird.
      What kind of restaurant is this?

      WAITER (snooty)
      Monsieur, The Fudge Factory is the world's only restaurant
      where you go to GET diarrhea!
      
      NED
      Oh! I understand perfectly. I'll just cut to the chase and
      order a big bowl of diarrhea.
      
      WAITER (snooty)
      A big bowl of diarrhea. Is that all?
      
      NED
      No, wait... I think I'll have the diarrhea... MIXED WITH
      COTTAGE CHEESE.
      
Everyone in the room does a spit-take; general shouts of
"Ewwwww!" and "Gross!"

MUSIC: WACKY STING

IRIS IN TO BLACK
      
IRIS OUT TO:

KIBO is standing in front of the globe again, with another
"E=mc^2" necktie.

      KIBO
      You know, fancy restaurants aren't the only places to serve
      bathroom humor!

CUT TO:

NED and his friend FRED are standing in a black limbo set next
to a large wacky sign which says "BUS STOP", with one backwards
"S".

      NED
      Hey, let's go to Diaper Burger!

      FRED
      No way! I'm not eating at no Diaper Burger!

      NED
      But they have the best burgers in the world. They're and
      are nutritious and delicious and contain no diapers.

      FRED
      But then why is it called Diaper Burger?

      NED
      Here, try this one and you'll see.

NED hands him one.  FRED takes a bite, and his pants disappear. 
He is now wearing diapers.

FX: DING

      FRED
      Wow! This burger tastes so good I don't mind wearing
      diapers!

SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE WEARING DIAPERS dance into view.

      SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE WEARING DIAPERS
      That goes double for us! (singing and high-kicking)
      Diapers... diapers... diapers! La la la la DIAPERS!!!!

      NED
      See, I told you Diaper Burger was better than anything.
Try another bite!

FRED takes another bite, and with a "ding!" his head turns into
a talking diaper.

      DIAPERHEAD FRED
      Golly! These burgers are super!

      NED
      (to the camera)
      Diaper Burger! Eat one today!

      SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE WEARING DIAPERS
      La la la la la DIAPERS DIAPERS DIAPERS!!!

A giant diaper on wheels, with a "BUS" sign on the side (with a
backwards "S") pulls up, and they get into it.

      EVERYONE
      We love Diaper Burger!

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      You must eat burger to wear diaper.

FX: DING

CUT TO:

KIBO, wearing yet another "E=mc^2" necktie.

      KIBO
      But enough hilarity.

He rips off his clown wig and nose and takes off the funny tie. 
The background changes to a giant close-up of a row of
disembodied doll heads lit from beneath.

      KIBO
      This is the IMPORTANT part of The Special Show.  High
      culture or low culture?  You decide.  The fate of the world
      hangs in the balance.

TITLE CARD: FOR MUSIC LOVERS

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      For Music Lovers!

A LITTLE GIRL has toy xylophone.  Very slowly, she strikes each
note in sequence.  Standing next to her, ALBERT EINSTEIN puts
his hands over his ears each time she hits a note.  She hits the
final one, and his head explodes.  She giggles.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: THE NEXT SEGMENT HAS A SURPRISE ENDING

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      Warning: the following segment has a surprise ending.

      FULLER BRUSH SALESMAN
      (holding a box of brushes)
      Hello, I would like to

CUT TO: BLACK

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      THE END!

FADE IN:

KIBO is in front of the eerie doll heads.

      KIBO
      Well, that's the end of another wonderful episode of

CUT TO: BLACK

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      THE END!

CUT TO:

CLOSE-UP of the screaming straightjacket guy.  Pull back to
reveal he is rolling around on the floor of the padded room. 
There are bloodstains dripping down the walls.  The nurse is
holding a large inflatable duck-shaped pool toy, the kind with
the hole in the middle.

      NURSE
      And just for that, you'll get

CUT TO: BLACK

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      THE END!

Hold on black for several seconds.

FX: FLIES BUZZING
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Return to Kibo's fiction library


Last revised
December 25, 1999
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