This was the first "lost" episode, but I think it was only lost for a month or two. Nobody noticed.




            T H E   S P E C I A L   S H O W
            >-----------------------------<
                      episode #4:

                 EVERYBODY LOVES FUDGE
               (first broadcast 7/10/97)

         Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry
         <----------------------------------->


FADE IN:

We are in an all-white padded room with no apparent doors or
windows.  A NURSE, who looks like a female Michael Moore, is
whacking the viewer with a large broom.

    NURSE
    Take that! ... and that! ... (stops whacking)  Oh, it's YOU.
    I forgot, I'm required to let you watch... The Special Show.

She thumps the wall with her fist.  A small secret door is
opened from the outside and someone shoves a small white plastic
TV into the room.  The screen shows the revolving chrome logo of
THE SPECIAL SHOW.

    ANNOUNCER
    (V.O.)
    THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!!

    NURSE
    And when you're done watching TV it's time for your OTHER
    medication.

CUT TO:

KIBO, our host, is a man that crazy people know and trust.  He
is dressed as Caligula, and is standing in front of a large
photographic backdrop of the Colloseum in Rome.  Behind him,
people are running back and forth with torches, screaming, while
a guy in a gorilla suit chases them.

    KIBO
    Hello, and welcome to the fourth episode of The Special
    Show, the show which is only understandable by very special
    people!  I am your host, Kibo!  Let the wackiness begin!

    GUY WITH BRIEFCASE
    I am waiting for a bus.

A bus falls on him.  Blood comes out from under it.  Several
LITTLE GIRLS run over excitedly, dip their hands in the blood,
and lick them.

MUSIC: DANCE OF THE CUCKOOS

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: EVERYONE LOVES LUCY

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
    Everyone Loves Lucy!

DISSOLVE TO:

Office interior.  LUCY and her new BOSS are there.  There is an
open pit/vat of chocolate syrup set into the floor.

    BOSS
    Lucy, welcome to your new job at my accounting firm.  Your
    job is to do an interpretive dance representing Dan Rather.
    And whatever you do... don't fall into that pit filled with
    chocolate syrup.

    LUCY
    Okay!

    BOSS
    Now get to work.  I'll come back to check on you at
    midnight.

    LUCY
    Okey dokey!  Bye bye!

The BOSS exits and LUCY begins twirling around slowly with her
arms outstretched.

    LUCY
    La la la la, look at me, I'm Dan Rather, la la la...

There is a flash of light and MICHAEL JORDAN materializes next
to her.

    LUCY
    Wow, Michael Jordan!

    MICHAEL JORDAN
    Lucy, I'm here to remind all the people watching that the
    kids on the little bus all grew up to be very special, even if
    they're misunderstood and locked in mental institutions. 
    Someday they'll conquer the world and show us all!

    LUCY
    Right on!

    MICHAEL JORDAN
    Oh, and I almost forgot--

He pushes LUCY into the vat of chocolate syrup and disappears
again.

    LUCY
    I can't swim!  Help me, Michael Jordan!  Help!  Help! 
    Waaaaaaaaah!

Two WORKMEN in overalls carry a huge Tupperware lid onto the
set.  They seal it over the top of the vat.  Then they set a
desk and chair on top of the lid.  KIBO, still wearing his toga,
enters and sits at the desk.

    KIBO
    I hope you're enjoying The Special Show as much as I'm
    enjoying it.  That last sketch was great, wasn't it?  And it was
    funny because it was true!  And now from the world of truth to
    the world of science...

TITLE CARD: AT THE STINKY SCIENCE MUSEUM

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
    At The Stinky Science Museum!

    MAN #1
    Pee-yew, it stinks in here!

    WOMAN #1
    Yeah, it's real smelly all right!

    MUSEUM GUIDE
    Heh-heh-heh, shows how much YOU know.  That's the smell of
    SCIENCE!

    MAN #1 & WOMAN #1 (together)
    Wow!

    MUSEUM GUIDE
    Now if you'll please follow me, you'll see what's inside
    your bodies right now.  Over here (gestures at a giant model) we
    have the a giant model of the human heart.  And over here
    (gestures at a giant poster of a human brain hanging in the
    middle of the room) is an enlargement of the human brain.  And
    over here is the world's largest intestine!

We see a giant coiled-up intestine, hanging from wires.  The
camera pans along it as it squiggles across the room.  The
camera follows it until it goes into the back of a guy's pants.

    INTESTINE GUY
    (shrugs)  It's a living...

FX: RUMBLING NOISE

The camera begins shaking as everything rumbles.  The INTESTINE
GUY looks distressed.  The camera follows the rumbling down the
length of the intestine to the other end, which is open.  A
skunk comes out!

    WOMAN #1
    Eek, a skunk!

    MAN #1
    I am too timid to appreciate science!

They run away, tearing through the giant photo of the human
brain.  ALBERT EINSTEIN ENTERS.

    EINSTEIN
    (tears in his eyes)  That was MY brain.  (cries like a baby)

The MUSEUM GUIDE blows a whistle and several MUSEUM GUARDS, in
Nazi uniforms, enter.  They start beating Einstein with
truncheons as the GUIDE kicks him.

    EINSTEIN
    My brain... my beautiful brain...

INSERT: Close-up of the skunk looking into the camera and
winking

CUT TO:

KIBO, wearing the toga, against the Roman backdrop.  People are
still running around screaming.

    KIBO
    That wasn't just a fine piece of satire, it was required
    viewing for all!  But I should warn you that those of you who
    aren't regular viewers of The Special Show might not appreciate
    the following piece.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: THE ROBOT THAT DIDN'T

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
    The Robot That Didn't!

DISSOLVE TO:

A ROBOT made from a cardboard box covered in tinfoil, with
furniture casters for feet, is having a moral dilemma.  It is
holding a small box with a red button.

    ROBOT
    I cannot decide what to do.  If I push this button, everyone
    in the world will die.  But if I do not push this button, I will
    die.  What to do, what to do...

It sits down and thinks about it for a moment.

    ROBOT
    I've got it!  I know what to do!  I'll kill everyone the
    OLD-FASHIONED way, with nuclear death rays!

It opens a door in its chest and red lightning bolts come out. 
From offscreen we hear millions of screaming people dying in
agony.

    ROBOT
    Now I no longer need this!

It throws the box on the ground.  EINSTEIN enters and picks it
up.  He grins evilly and pushes the button again and again and
again and again and again.

    EINSTEIN
    Wait, I changed my mind--

His whole body explodes.  The ROBOT dances on what's left of his
corpse.

MUSIC: HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN (instrumental)

TITLE CARD: WHO WANTS PIE?

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
    Who Wants Pie?

CUT TO:

Close-up of a pie sitting on a table.  Hold for five seconds.

FX: BUZZING FLIES

TITLE CARD: NOBODY!

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
    Nobody!

FX: DING-DING-DING-DING

    ANNOUNCER (V.O., whisper)
    Because it might be poison!

CUT TO:

KIBO is still in his toga front of his backdrop.  Slow zoom on
him during this speech.

    KIBO
    (ominously)
    Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to warn you that the
    following dramatization did not actually happen.  It is a work
    of fiction.  It DID NOT HAPPEN.

DISSOLVE TO:

STOCK FOOTAGE: AIRPLANE LANDING

TRUMAN BRADLEY (played by himself) is at an airport customs
counter showing his passport to the CUSTOMS OFFICIAL.

    TRUMAN BRADLEY
    Hi, I'm Truman Bradley.  It's good to be back here in
    America after seven years in my undersea research laboratory. 
    Is my job still open teaching science class at the local high
    school?

    CUSTOMS OFFICIAL
    All high schools were converted to pet cemeteries after all
    pets were killed on order of the President.

    TRUMAN
    What?  Who is the President?

    CUSTOMS OFFICIAL
    I'm not allowed to release that information.

    TRUMAN
    Why?

    CUSTOMS OFFICIAL
    (at the top of his lungs)
    He asked a stupid question!!!  Get him!!!

Several THUGS drop through trapdoors in the ceiling.  They all
wear black leather jodhpurs, black leather cook's jackets, and
black motorcycle helmets with silvered visors.  TRUMAN runs
away.  The THUGS chase him into a room with a huge crate
labelled "IMPOUNDED: ILLEGAL RECREATIONAL VEHICLE".  TRUMAN runs
into the crate and bursts through the other side on a mini-bike.
He crashes through a wall of the airport building and jumps the
bike over a chain-link fence.  He is free!

TRUMAN stops the bike at his old home town, in front of a street
sign which says "YOURTOWN, USA".  The town is extremely
dilapidated.  Tumbleweeds blow around.  TRUMAN gets off the bike
and walks over to a guy sitting on a porch.  It is POPEYE, and
he is whittling his forearm.

    TRUMAN
    Who are you?  Why are you here?

    POPEYE
    (robot voice)
    I yam what I yam... Error! Error!

Sparks shoot out of the bolts in POPEYE's neck and his head
bursts into flames.  TRUMAN runs away.  He comes to a MAN in a
black and white horizontally striped shirt and domino mask.  He is
pulling a chain, towing a wheeled cage with a WOMAN inside.  She
wears a snood.

    MAN #1
    A woman's place is at her man's side... in a cage!

    WOMAN #1
    Please help me, they made me wear a snood!

TRUMAN runs away again, then meets up with another man, COOLIDGE
MERCER (played by Michael O'Hare.)

    TRUMAN
    Why, it's my old friend, Coolidge Mercer!  How are your
    kids?

    COOLIDGE
    (uncaring)
    The government took them away this morning and recycled them
into pet food.

    TRUMAN
    Why did they do that if all the pets were killed?

    COOLIDGE
    (uncaring)
    It is for the good of the country.  It's what's right for
    America!

INSERT: EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF HUGE LOBOTOMY SCAR ON COOLIDGE'S
FOREHEAD

MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING

COOLIDGE begins to laugh creepily.

INSERT: CLOSE-UP OF TRUMAN'S TERRIFIED FACE

MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING

TRUMAN screams and runs away.  He sees something down the
street.

    TRUMAN
    Well, at least they haven't taken away public restrooms!

In the middle of the street, he goes into an all-glass booth
with a toilet inside.  He sits on the toilet.  Suddenly five
THUGS smash through the glass and grab him.

    TRUMAN
    Help!  Why are you doing this?

    THUG #1
    That's the last time you'll ever ask a stupid question,
    Mr. Big Brain!  Say goodbye to your counterculture-oriented 
    frontal lobes!

THUG #1 fires up a chainsaw and cuts off the top quarter of
TRUMAN'S skull.

    THUG #1
    Now how does it feel to be a model citizen?

    TRUMAN
    Ba-NA-na!

    THUG #1
    You won't be asking any more stupid questions now, will you?

    TRUMAN
    Ba-NA-na!

    THUG #1
    Because our State is merciful, you will be given a job and
    living quarters.  All you will have to do is stand on your head
    in a vat of electrically heated cow manure!

    TRUMAN
    Ba-NA-na!

DISSOLVE TO:

TRUMAN's feet are sticking out of a huge vat of cow manure.

    TRUMAN
    (muffled)
    Ba-NA-na!

Two THUGS drag LUCILLE BALL, wearing a snood, into the frame.

    LUCY
    Waaah!  I don't like wearing a snood!

They throw her into the vat.

    LUCY
    (muffled)
    This isn't chocolate!  Waaaaaah!

    TRUMAN
    (muffled)
    Ba-NA-na!

MUSIC:  MUSIC-BOX PLAYING "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" AT HALF SPEED

CAMERA SLOWLY PANS to reveal a weather-beaten sign which says
"WELCOME TO AMERIKKKKKKA".  We see it for a few seconds, then
"AMERIKKKKKKA" falls off to reveal it originally said "WELCOME
TO THE BETTY CROCKER BAKE-OFF".

MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING (TWICE)

CUT TO BLACK

MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING

SLOW FADE IN:

KIBO (now in a business suit) and TRUMAN BRADLEY are sitting on
a porch, drinking lemonade.

    KIBO
    Tonight's drama did not actually happen.  Truman Bradley is
    still safe and well.

    TRUMAN
    I am enjoying a glass of lemonade here on my porch, thanks
    to the freedoms we take for granted in America!

    KIBO
    But tonight's drama could happen if we ever let down our
    guard.  We must protect the rights we have.  Truman Bradley need
    not have a lobotomy as long as we protect this... (holds up a
    scroll) ...the Declaration of Independence.

Pause.  KIBO rips up the Declaration of Independence.  Two THUGS
grab Truman and pitch him over the porch railing into a vat of
manure.

    TRUMAN
    (muffled)
    BANANA!  BANANA!  BANANA!

MUSIC:  DRAMATIC STING (THREE TIMES)

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:

TITLE CARD:  IT COULD HAPPEN ANY DAY NOW

FX: OMINOUS HUMMING NOISE

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:

KIBO, in the toga, in front of the Colloseum backdrop.

    KIBO
    Wow!  That was sure scary.  It was a warning we must heed! 
But first, let's watch more of The Special Show!

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: SPECIAL GYM

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
    Special Gym!

We see a SMALL BOY sitting at the top of a playground slide.

    SMALL BOY
    Lookit me!  Lookit me!  (slides)  Wheeeee!

The camera follows him down the slide... into a giant toaster. 
The toaster glows and buzzes for a few seconds, then pops up...
and a ghost comes out.  The ghost flies around in a loop.

    SMALL BOY'S GHOST
    Woo!  Woo!

In the foreground, a MAN and WOMAN step into view, their faces
almost filling the frame in front of the circling ghost.

    WOMAN
    This would have never happened had there been adequate
    supervision by a gym teacher.

    MAN
    Yes... I wonder where the gym teacher is?

STOCK FOOTAGE: AN ELEVATOR DESCENDS A LONG, DARK SHAFT

CUT TO:

Inside the grimy metal elevator, two GUYS IN BLACK ROBES, with
hoods covering their faces, are holding a GYM TEACHER captive.

    GYM TEACHER
    Where are you taking me?

    GUY IN BLACK ROBE #1
    Shut up!

    GYM TEACHER
    What do you want?

    GUY IN BLACK ROBE #1
    Shut up!

    GYM TEACHER
    I didn't do anything!  I'm just a gym teacher!

    GUY IN BLACK ROBE #2
    He said, SHUT UP!  (twists the gym teacher's arm;
    he screams)

The elevator stops and the doors open.  The ROBED GUYS drag the
GYM TEACHER out.  Two GREEN BERETS, with bayoneted rifles and
camouflage greasepaint on their faces, guard the elevator
entrance.  The GYM TEACHER looks out and is startled by what he
sees.

INSERT: REVERSE ANGLE, GYM TEACHER POV: It is a huge cavern. 
Hundreds of gym teachers are buried up to their necks,
frantically blowing whistles in their mouths.  Fire ants crawl
all over them.  A Sherman tank is running over some of the
heads.  In the distance, a plane with a Nazi emblem is dropping
bombs on them, and Darth Vader's TIE fighter is firing lasers.

The GYM TEACHER screams in terror and runs offscreen.

    GUY IN BLACK ROBE #1
    You are making a big mistake!

    GUY IN BLACK ROBE #2
    Do you understand that this is your last chance?
    Do you understand that this is your VERY last chance?

    GUY IN BLACK ROBE #1
    Fire!

The two GREEN BERETS fire their rifles.  We see the GYM TEACHER
get killed by exploding bullets.  The GREEN BERETS run over to
the corpse and begin sticking it with their bayonets.

    GREEN BERET #1
    He's dead.

The two GUYS IN ROBES look at each other for a second.  Then
they rip off their hooded robes, revealing gym teacher outfits.

    GUYS IN BLACK ROBES (together)
    Now WE are the gym teachers!

They high-five each other.

FREEZE FRAME.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:

KIBO, in the toga.

    KIBO
    But enough of this light entertainment.  Are you ready for a
    real chill?  Then cover your eyes and be sure to watch... THE
    SCARY SEGMENT!

TITLE CARD: THE SCARY SEGMENT

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
    (whispers)
    The Scarrrrry Segment!

STOCK FOOTAGE:  THUNDER & LIGHTNING

We see RONALD McDONALD for a few seconds.

We see a music box playing part of the Minute Waltz slowly.

We see a rocking chair rocking by itself, creaking.

We see a black bird staring at us.

We see RONALD McDONALD standing next to the music box which is
next to the rocking chair which is next to the black bird.

We see RONALD McDONALD sitting in the rocking chair, holding the
music box, with the bird perched on his head.

RONALD McDONALD laughs, and then takes a big bite out of a
hamburger.

CUT TO BLACK

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
    And now, ladies and gentlemen, The Special Show is proud to
bring you this important announcement from Salman Rushdie.

CUT TO:

A warehouse full of large crates.  SALMAN RUSHDIE timidly peeks
out from behind one.

    SALMAN RUSHDIE
    (very prissy)
    I like the metric system!

MUSIC: WACKY CLOWN TUNE WITH XYLOPHONE AND SLIDE WHISTLES

Several GIRLS IN BIKINIS run around the warehouse in fast
motion.

PULL BACK VERY FAST to reveal that this is on the screen of the
white TV in the padded room.  The front and sides of the TV fall
off, and it is filled with thousands of big spiders.  They crawl
all over.  Another little door opens in the padded wall, and we
see the face of the NURSE.

    NURSE
    Don't laugh at the spiders, it'll just make them mad!  See ya!

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: THE END

    ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
    The end!  This was a production of The Special Industry.

CUT TO:

A brief shot of the dead GYM TEACHER with spiders crawling on him.

    LUCILLE BALL (V.O.)
    Don't laugh at the spiders! Waaaaaaaaaah!

CUT TO BLACK

END
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Last revised
December 25, 1999
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