This was the first "lost" episode, but I think it was only lost for a month or two. Nobody noticed.
T H E S P E C I A L S H O W >-----------------------------< episode #4: EVERYBODY LOVES FUDGE (first broadcast 7/10/97) Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry <-----------------------------------> FADE IN: We are in an all-white padded room with no apparent doors or windows. A NURSE, who looks like a female Michael Moore, is whacking the viewer with a large broom. NURSE Take that! ... and that! ... (stops whacking) Oh, it's YOU. I forgot, I'm required to let you watch... The Special Show. She thumps the wall with her fist. A small secret door is opened from the outside and someone shoves a small white plastic TV into the room. The screen shows the revolving chrome logo of THE SPECIAL SHOW. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!! NURSE And when you're done watching TV it's time for your OTHER medication. CUT TO: KIBO, our host, is a man that crazy people know and trust. He is dressed as Caligula, and is standing in front of a large photographic backdrop of the Colloseum in Rome. Behind him, people are running back and forth with torches, screaming, while a guy in a gorilla suit chases them. KIBO Hello, and welcome to the fourth episode of The Special Show, the show which is only understandable by very special people! I am your host, Kibo! Let the wackiness begin! GUY WITH BRIEFCASE I am waiting for a bus. A bus falls on him. Blood comes out from under it. Several LITTLE GIRLS run over excitedly, dip their hands in the blood, and lick them. MUSIC: DANCE OF THE CUCKOOS CUT TO: TITLE CARD: EVERYONE LOVES LUCY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Everyone Loves Lucy! DISSOLVE TO: Office interior. LUCY and her new BOSS are there. There is an open pit/vat of chocolate syrup set into the floor. BOSS Lucy, welcome to your new job at my accounting firm. Your job is to do an interpretive dance representing Dan Rather. And whatever you do... don't fall into that pit filled with chocolate syrup. LUCY Okay! BOSS Now get to work. I'll come back to check on you at midnight. LUCY Okey dokey! Bye bye! The BOSS exits and LUCY begins twirling around slowly with her arms outstretched. LUCY La la la la, look at me, I'm Dan Rather, la la la... There is a flash of light and MICHAEL JORDAN materializes next to her. LUCY Wow, Michael Jordan! MICHAEL JORDAN Lucy, I'm here to remind all the people watching that the kids on the little bus all grew up to be very special, even if they're misunderstood and locked in mental institutions. Someday they'll conquer the world and show us all! LUCY Right on! MICHAEL JORDAN Oh, and I almost forgot-- He pushes LUCY into the vat of chocolate syrup and disappears again. LUCY I can't swim! Help me, Michael Jordan! Help! Help! Waaaaaaaaah! Two WORKMEN in overalls carry a huge Tupperware lid onto the set. They seal it over the top of the vat. Then they set a desk and chair on top of the lid. KIBO, still wearing his toga, enters and sits at the desk. KIBO I hope you're enjoying The Special Show as much as I'm enjoying it. That last sketch was great, wasn't it? And it was funny because it was true! And now from the world of truth to the world of science... TITLE CARD: AT THE STINKY SCIENCE MUSEUM ANNOUNCER (V.O.) At The Stinky Science Museum! MAN #1 Pee-yew, it stinks in here! WOMAN #1 Yeah, it's real smelly all right! MUSEUM GUIDE Heh-heh-heh, shows how much YOU know. That's the smell of SCIENCE! MAN #1 & WOMAN #1 (together) Wow! MUSEUM GUIDE Now if you'll please follow me, you'll see what's inside your bodies right now. Over here (gestures at a giant model) we have the a giant model of the human heart. And over here (gestures at a giant poster of a human brain hanging in the middle of the room) is an enlargement of the human brain. And over here is the world's largest intestine! We see a giant coiled-up intestine, hanging from wires. The camera pans along it as it squiggles across the room. The camera follows it until it goes into the back of a guy's pants. INTESTINE GUY (shrugs) It's a living... FX: RUMBLING NOISE The camera begins shaking as everything rumbles. The INTESTINE GUY looks distressed. The camera follows the rumbling down the length of the intestine to the other end, which is open. A skunk comes out! WOMAN #1 Eek, a skunk! MAN #1 I am too timid to appreciate science! They run away, tearing through the giant photo of the human brain. ALBERT EINSTEIN ENTERS. EINSTEIN (tears in his eyes) That was MY brain. (cries like a baby) The MUSEUM GUIDE blows a whistle and several MUSEUM GUARDS, in Nazi uniforms, enter. They start beating Einstein with truncheons as the GUIDE kicks him. EINSTEIN My brain... my beautiful brain... INSERT: Close-up of the skunk looking into the camera and winking CUT TO: KIBO, wearing the toga, against the Roman backdrop. People are still running around screaming. KIBO That wasn't just a fine piece of satire, it was required viewing for all! But I should warn you that those of you who aren't regular viewers of The Special Show might not appreciate the following piece. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: THE ROBOT THAT DIDN'T ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The Robot That Didn't! DISSOLVE TO: A ROBOT made from a cardboard box covered in tinfoil, with furniture casters for feet, is having a moral dilemma. It is holding a small box with a red button. ROBOT I cannot decide what to do. If I push this button, everyone in the world will die. But if I do not push this button, I will die. What to do, what to do... It sits down and thinks about it for a moment. ROBOT I've got it! I know what to do! I'll kill everyone the OLD-FASHIONED way, with nuclear death rays! It opens a door in its chest and red lightning bolts come out. From offscreen we hear millions of screaming people dying in agony. ROBOT Now I no longer need this! It throws the box on the ground. EINSTEIN enters and picks it up. He grins evilly and pushes the button again and again and again and again and again. EINSTEIN Wait, I changed my mind-- His whole body explodes. The ROBOT dances on what's left of his corpse. MUSIC: HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN (instrumental) TITLE CARD: WHO WANTS PIE? ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Who Wants Pie? CUT TO: Close-up of a pie sitting on a table. Hold for five seconds. FX: BUZZING FLIES TITLE CARD: NOBODY! ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Nobody! FX: DING-DING-DING-DING ANNOUNCER (V.O., whisper) Because it might be poison! CUT TO: KIBO is still in his toga front of his backdrop. Slow zoom on him during this speech. KIBO (ominously) Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to warn you that the following dramatization did not actually happen. It is a work of fiction. It DID NOT HAPPEN. DISSOLVE TO: STOCK FOOTAGE: AIRPLANE LANDING TRUMAN BRADLEY (played by himself) is at an airport customs counter showing his passport to the CUSTOMS OFFICIAL. TRUMAN BRADLEY Hi, I'm Truman Bradley. It's good to be back here in America after seven years in my undersea research laboratory. Is my job still open teaching science class at the local high school? CUSTOMS OFFICIAL All high schools were converted to pet cemeteries after all pets were killed on order of the President. TRUMAN What? Who is the President? CUSTOMS OFFICIAL I'm not allowed to release that information. TRUMAN Why? CUSTOMS OFFICIAL (at the top of his lungs) He asked a stupid question!!! Get him!!! Several THUGS drop through trapdoors in the ceiling. They all wear black leather jodhpurs, black leather cook's jackets, and black motorcycle helmets with silvered visors. TRUMAN runs away. The THUGS chase him into a room with a huge crate labelled "IMPOUNDED: ILLEGAL RECREATIONAL VEHICLE". TRUMAN runs into the crate and bursts through the other side on a mini-bike. He crashes through a wall of the airport building and jumps the bike over a chain-link fence. He is free! TRUMAN stops the bike at his old home town, in front of a street sign which says "YOURTOWN, USA". The town is extremely dilapidated. Tumbleweeds blow around. TRUMAN gets off the bike and walks over to a guy sitting on a porch. It is POPEYE, and he is whittling his forearm. TRUMAN Who are you? Why are you here? POPEYE (robot voice) I yam what I yam... Error! Error! Sparks shoot out of the bolts in POPEYE's neck and his head bursts into flames. TRUMAN runs away. He comes to a MAN in a black and white horizontally striped shirt and domino mask. He is pulling a chain, towing a wheeled cage with a WOMAN inside. She wears a snood. MAN #1 A woman's place is at her man's side... in a cage! WOMAN #1 Please help me, they made me wear a snood! TRUMAN runs away again, then meets up with another man, COOLIDGE MERCER (played by Michael O'Hare.) TRUMAN Why, it's my old friend, Coolidge Mercer! How are your kids? COOLIDGE (uncaring) The government took them away this morning and recycled them into pet food. TRUMAN Why did they do that if all the pets were killed? COOLIDGE (uncaring) It is for the good of the country. It's what's right for America! INSERT: EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF HUGE LOBOTOMY SCAR ON COOLIDGE'S FOREHEAD MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING COOLIDGE begins to laugh creepily. INSERT: CLOSE-UP OF TRUMAN'S TERRIFIED FACE MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING TRUMAN screams and runs away. He sees something down the street. TRUMAN Well, at least they haven't taken away public restrooms! In the middle of the street, he goes into an all-glass booth with a toilet inside. He sits on the toilet. Suddenly five THUGS smash through the glass and grab him. TRUMAN Help! Why are you doing this? THUG #1 That's the last time you'll ever ask a stupid question, Mr. Big Brain! Say goodbye to your counterculture-oriented frontal lobes! THUG #1 fires up a chainsaw and cuts off the top quarter of TRUMAN'S skull. THUG #1 Now how does it feel to be a model citizen? TRUMAN Ba-NA-na! THUG #1 You won't be asking any more stupid questions now, will you? TRUMAN Ba-NA-na! THUG #1 Because our State is merciful, you will be given a job and living quarters. All you will have to do is stand on your head in a vat of electrically heated cow manure! TRUMAN Ba-NA-na! DISSOLVE TO: TRUMAN's feet are sticking out of a huge vat of cow manure. TRUMAN (muffled) Ba-NA-na! Two THUGS drag LUCILLE BALL, wearing a snood, into the frame. LUCY Waaah! I don't like wearing a snood! They throw her into the vat. LUCY (muffled) This isn't chocolate! Waaaaaah! TRUMAN (muffled) Ba-NA-na! MUSIC: MUSIC-BOX PLAYING "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" AT HALF SPEED CAMERA SLOWLY PANS to reveal a weather-beaten sign which says "WELCOME TO AMERIKKKKKKA". We see it for a few seconds, then "AMERIKKKKKKA" falls off to reveal it originally said "WELCOME TO THE BETTY CROCKER BAKE-OFF". MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING (TWICE) CUT TO BLACK MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING SLOW FADE IN: KIBO (now in a business suit) and TRUMAN BRADLEY are sitting on a porch, drinking lemonade. KIBO Tonight's drama did not actually happen. Truman Bradley is still safe and well. TRUMAN I am enjoying a glass of lemonade here on my porch, thanks to the freedoms we take for granted in America! KIBO But tonight's drama could happen if we ever let down our guard. We must protect the rights we have. Truman Bradley need not have a lobotomy as long as we protect this... (holds up a scroll) ...the Declaration of Independence. Pause. KIBO rips up the Declaration of Independence. Two THUGS grab Truman and pitch him over the porch railing into a vat of manure. TRUMAN (muffled) BANANA! BANANA! BANANA! MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING (THREE TIMES) FADE TO BLACK FADE IN: TITLE CARD: IT COULD HAPPEN ANY DAY NOW FX: OMINOUS HUMMING NOISE FADE TO BLACK FADE IN: KIBO, in the toga, in front of the Colloseum backdrop. KIBO Wow! That was sure scary. It was a warning we must heed! But first, let's watch more of The Special Show! CUT TO: TITLE CARD: SPECIAL GYM ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Special Gym! We see a SMALL BOY sitting at the top of a playground slide. SMALL BOY Lookit me! Lookit me! (slides) Wheeeee! The camera follows him down the slide... into a giant toaster. The toaster glows and buzzes for a few seconds, then pops up... and a ghost comes out. The ghost flies around in a loop. SMALL BOY'S GHOST Woo! Woo! In the foreground, a MAN and WOMAN step into view, their faces almost filling the frame in front of the circling ghost. WOMAN This would have never happened had there been adequate supervision by a gym teacher. MAN Yes... I wonder where the gym teacher is? STOCK FOOTAGE: AN ELEVATOR DESCENDS A LONG, DARK SHAFT CUT TO: Inside the grimy metal elevator, two GUYS IN BLACK ROBES, with hoods covering their faces, are holding a GYM TEACHER captive. GYM TEACHER Where are you taking me? GUY IN BLACK ROBE #1 Shut up! GYM TEACHER What do you want? GUY IN BLACK ROBE #1 Shut up! GYM TEACHER I didn't do anything! I'm just a gym teacher! GUY IN BLACK ROBE #2 He said, SHUT UP! (twists the gym teacher's arm; he screams) The elevator stops and the doors open. The ROBED GUYS drag the GYM TEACHER out. Two GREEN BERETS, with bayoneted rifles and camouflage greasepaint on their faces, guard the elevator entrance. The GYM TEACHER looks out and is startled by what he sees. INSERT: REVERSE ANGLE, GYM TEACHER POV: It is a huge cavern. Hundreds of gym teachers are buried up to their necks, frantically blowing whistles in their mouths. Fire ants crawl all over them. A Sherman tank is running over some of the heads. In the distance, a plane with a Nazi emblem is dropping bombs on them, and Darth Vader's TIE fighter is firing lasers. The GYM TEACHER screams in terror and runs offscreen. GUY IN BLACK ROBE #1 You are making a big mistake! GUY IN BLACK ROBE #2 Do you understand that this is your last chance? Do you understand that this is your VERY last chance? GUY IN BLACK ROBE #1 Fire! The two GREEN BERETS fire their rifles. We see the GYM TEACHER get killed by exploding bullets. The GREEN BERETS run over to the corpse and begin sticking it with their bayonets. GREEN BERET #1 He's dead. The two GUYS IN ROBES look at each other for a second. Then they rip off their hooded robes, revealing gym teacher outfits. GUYS IN BLACK ROBES (together) Now WE are the gym teachers! They high-five each other. FREEZE FRAME. FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: KIBO, in the toga. KIBO But enough of this light entertainment. Are you ready for a real chill? Then cover your eyes and be sure to watch... THE SCARY SEGMENT! TITLE CARD: THE SCARY SEGMENT ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (whispers) The Scarrrrry Segment! STOCK FOOTAGE: THUNDER & LIGHTNING We see RONALD McDONALD for a few seconds. We see a music box playing part of the Minute Waltz slowly. We see a rocking chair rocking by itself, creaking. We see a black bird staring at us. We see RONALD McDONALD standing next to the music box which is next to the rocking chair which is next to the black bird. We see RONALD McDONALD sitting in the rocking chair, holding the music box, with the bird perched on his head. RONALD McDONALD laughs, and then takes a big bite out of a hamburger. CUT TO BLACK ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now, ladies and gentlemen, The Special Show is proud to bring you this important announcement from Salman Rushdie. CUT TO: A warehouse full of large crates. SALMAN RUSHDIE timidly peeks out from behind one. SALMAN RUSHDIE (very prissy) I like the metric system! MUSIC: WACKY CLOWN TUNE WITH XYLOPHONE AND SLIDE WHISTLES Several GIRLS IN BIKINIS run around the warehouse in fast motion. PULL BACK VERY FAST to reveal that this is on the screen of the white TV in the padded room. The front and sides of the TV fall off, and it is filled with thousands of big spiders. They crawl all over. Another little door opens in the padded wall, and we see the face of the NURSE. NURSE Don't laugh at the spiders, it'll just make them mad! See ya! CUT TO: TITLE CARD: THE END ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The end! This was a production of The Special Industry. CUT TO: A brief shot of the dead GYM TEACHER with spiders crawling on him. LUCILLE BALL (V.O.) Don't laugh at the spiders! Waaaaaaaaaah! CUT TO BLACK END
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December 25, 1999
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