This was the last episode before the series went on hiatus because its creator felt no need to entertain certain people for a year and a half.




                           THE SPECIAL SHOW!
                           =================
        
                              EPISODE #5:
           
                             LUNAR FRIDGE!

                       (first broadcast 7/24/97)


                 Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry
                    Todos los derechos reservados.


FADE IN:

In an all-white padded room, a NURSE (who looks like a female
George Bush) is repeatedly slapping the face of PATIENT who is
wearing a straightjacket.  There is a white TV set on a white TV
cart in the corner of the room.

Zoom in on the TV.  We go into its screen and see another
version of the same scene, in which the actress playing the
NURSE is now in a straightjacket, and the actor formerly playing
the PATIENT is in a nurse's uniform slapping her.  There is a TV
behind them.

Zoom in on the TV.  In a third version of the padded room, the
NURSE and PATIENT are both in straightjackets, and NAPOLEON is
slapping them both.  There is a TV in the corner.  From its
screen bursts the revolving chrome logo of THE SPECIAL SHOW,
which whacks all three of them on the head, knocking them
unconscious.  The logo bounces around the room hyperactively.

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!!

KIBO is standing on the surface of the moon.  Instead of a space
suit, he is wearing a white sailor suit with one black arm.

      KIBO
      Hello everybody, and welcome to the fifth episode of The
      Special Show! We have some wonderful comedy, drama, and
      documentary segments for you tonight!  Without further ado,
      let's go to the center of all things cultural, downtown
      Hollywood, for a science lecture from Dr. Matt McIrvin!

TITLE CARD:  THE DANGEROUS STREETS OF THE BIG CITY

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      The dangerous streets of the big city!

MATT McIRVIN, noted nuclear physicist, is standing on the corner
of a Hollywood street, lecturing in a bowling shirt.

      MATT McIRVIN
      Am I boring you yet?  Am I boring you yet?  Am I boring
      you yet?  (continues ad infinitum)

In the background, we see a tanker truck approaching.

From the truck's POV, we see MATT a long ways away.

From in front of MATT, the truck is drawing closer.

A side view of the truck shows a huge logo on the side: "CHEEZ WHIZ".

The truck's POV again, MATT is pretty close.

The CHEEZ WHIZ DRIVER notices MATT and looks startled.  He
thumps the horn on a Fisher-Price toy steering wheel in his cab,
and it goes "beep".  He frantically turns the plastic toy wheel.

MATT is still droning on and on.  Behind him, the truck swerves,
rolls over, and just barely misses MATT, sliding past him
upside-down.  It clips a fire hydrant as it passes out of frame.
The broken hydrant sprays a geyser of Cheez Whiz into the air.

      MATT McIRVIN
      (noticing the cheez fountain)
      Hooray!  (he runs over to it and begins to run around under
      the fountain, waving his arms)  Cheez!  Cheez!  Cheez!

We see the front of a store with a sign, "CAMERA STORE".  Every
time MATT shouts "Cheez!" a hundred flash bulbs go off
simultaneously!

      SHOPKEEPER
      (running out of store)
      I'm blind!  I'm blind!

Behind the shopkeeper, two more eighteen-wheeler tankers roar
past.  The first one has a sign identical in style to "CHEEZ
WHIZ", only it says "EAR WAX".  The second says "BOWLING" in the
same style.

POV of the BOWLING DRIVER.  He is trying to catch up to the ear
wax truck.

The EAR WAX DRIVER looks in his rear view mirror, scared, and
turns his Fisher-Price steering wheel.

The bowling truck rams the side of the ear wax truck!  There is
an explosion and a huge white flash!

CUT TO:

Interior of a bowling alley.  A ball is rolling down the lane
when the white flash happens.  The lane becomes covered with a
thick layer of ear wax, and the ball stops dead in the middle.

      FIRST BOWLER
      Ewww!  Ear wax!

      SECOND BOWLER
      Why does this always happen to us?

MATT McIRVIN enters at a run.

      MATT McIRVIN
      Stop this insanity!  Bowling is not to be made light of!
      Bowling is a SERIOUS SPORT, and I am a SERIOUS BOWLER!

The various other BOWLERS glower at him.

      MATT McIRVIN
      And now, I shall bowl.

He reaches to pick up a ball, but it bites his hand off.  MATT
runs around screaming, with Cheez Whiz dripping from his stump.

      MATT McIRVIN
      Aaaaaaaaaghhhh!  My professional bowling career is RUINED!

The other BOWLERS applaud quietly, politely, so as not to break
anyone's concentration.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: ESCALATOR SAFETY

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      And now, a heartfelt plea for escalator safety.

A MAN is riding up an escalator.  He reaches the top and
continues rising into the air.

      ESCALATOR MAN
      Oh no!  I forgot to get off!

He screams as he is crushed to a pulp against the ceiling.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: A VISIT TO LONDON

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      A visit to London!

A BEEFEATER guard is standing in front of Buckingham palace. 
Some TOURISTS walk by and he sticks his tongue out behind their
backs.  A third TOURIST walks up to him.

      TOURIST
      Could I get a picture of you?

The BEEFEATER takes off his shako, revealing that his brain is
exposed.  He reaches in between the halves of his brain and
pulls out a Polaroid and hands it to the tourist.

INSERT:  Hand holding Polaroid of grinning tourist

      TOURIST
      Wow, thanks!  I love England!

MUSIC:  GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

DISSOLVE TO:

TITLE CARD: FUN AT THE POOL

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      Fun at the pool!  Sponsored by Doritos!

The SHOPKEEPER from earlier is standing by a wading pool.  He
jumps in.

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      That's not water!

The SHOPKEEPER shrieks and jumps out.  He jumps into the next
pool, which is filled with plastic balls, and begins trying to
swim.

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      That's not water!  Get out of my balls!

The SHOPKEEPER shrieks again and jumps out.  He dives into the
third wading pool, which is filled with Doritos (there is a
Doritos billboard behind it.)  He stands up, with pointy Doritos
embedded in all parts of his body, with his hands over his face.

      SHOPKEEPER
      My eyes!  My eyes!

CUT TO: OVERHEAD CLOSE-UP OF A DORITO ON BLACK

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      Doritos!  They're so good, you won't mind getting them in your
      eyes!  Put Doritos in your eyes today!

A mouse walks into frame, onto the Dorito.  It begins to
revolve.

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      Doritos!  Now with spinning mouse!

MUSIC: MEXICAN HAT DANCE, DOUBLE SPEED

CUT TO:

KIBO, on the Moon.

      KIBO
      I would like to thank Doritos for always staying sharp. 
      And now, The Special Show would like to illustrate a
      typical problem.

TITLE CARD: A TYPICAL PROBLEM

A lower-class HUSBAND and WIFE are in their living room.  He is
reading a tattered newspaper in his underwear.

      HUSBAND
      Says here that now doctors can perform surgery using staples.

      WIFE
      Gosh, isn't science wonderful.

Zoom in on the HUSBAND's face as he begins to imagine.

MUSIC: HARP GLISSANDOS

FLEXITRON TO:

A limbo set.  

MUSIC: WALTZ

The HUSBAND, still in his underwear, has his head in a giant
stapler.  A DOCTOR is jumping up and down on it.  The HUSBAND us
screaming in agony.  SPIDER-MAN enters and begins waltzing
around the stapler while shooting brightly-colored confetti into
the air from his wrists.

A second copy of the HUSBAND, on a video overlay, runs into the
frame.

      HUSBAND (on overlay)
      Stop!  Stop!  This is a private fantasy!

The DOCTOR and SPIDER-MAN, also duplicated on the overlay, enter
and drag him to a second giant stapler.  The DOCTOR begins
jumping up and down on it while SPIDER-MAN twirls around.

We watch the two giant staplers torturing the two husbands. 
MATT McIRVIN enters.

      MATT McIRVIN
      You know, this isn't really how it's done.

MUSIC: HARP GLISSANDOS

FLEXITRON TO:

The HUSBAND is still in his easy chair.

      HUSBAND
      Honey, I'm going in for surgery tomorrow!

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: EINSTEIN'S GREATEST DILEMMA

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      EINSTEIN'S GREATEST DILEMMA!

EINSTEIN is standing next to a wall-mounted fire extinguisher. 
It bursts into flame.  He looks at it, scratches his head, and
begins to cry like a baby.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: HOMAGE

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      HOMAGE!

RUTH BUZZI, with prosthetic makeup of a Klingon forehead, is
sitting on a park bench.  JIM NABORS, wearing a cardboard box
covered with glitter, enters.

      JIM NABORS
      Way-ull, gaw-lee!  I am a robot!

RUTH BUZZI stands up and begins poking at his cardboard box.

      JIM NABORS
      Don't you push mah buttons!  I want a divorce!

      RUTH BUZZI
      But what about our baby?

CUT TO:

A BABY with a Klingon forehead, wearing a glittery cardboard
box, in a crib.

      BABY
      Way-ull, gaw-lee!

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: BACK TO THE DANGEROUS STREETS OF THE BIG CITY

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      And now, back to the dangerous streets of the big city!

Three BAD KIDS, about age eight, wearing leather jackets, are
hanging out on a streetcorner.  ROSE MARIE, as a nun whose head
is three times larger than normal, drives up in a half-size fire
engine.

      ROSE MARIE
      Read 'em and weep, boys!  Read 'em and weep, boys!

      BAD KID #1
      Read what?

      ROSE MARIE
      (holding two things up)  A dictionary and a barometer!

All three BAD KIDS start crying.  ROSE MARIE DRIVES away.  MATT
McIRVIN enters.

      MATT McIRVIN
      Look, everyone, it's big TV star Kelsey Grammer!  Yayyyyy!

MATT's skinny foam rubber arms, controlled by black sticks from
below, begin flailing around madly.  KELSEY GRAMMER drives up in
the giant wheeled diaper from a previous episode.

      KELSEY GRAMMER
      Boys, maybe you could help me, as I appear to be lost.

      BAD KID #2
      Hey look!  Kelsey Grammer drives a diaper!

      MATT McIRVIN
      You kids should not make fun of Kelsey Grammer's diaper!

The DIAPER develops eyes and a mouth.

      GIANT WHEELED DIAPER
      I smell gas!

The BAD KIDS scream and run away in fast-motion, hurling
themselves head-first into garbage cans.  MATT prepares to light
his pipe.

      MATT McIRVIN
      Heh heh.  Silly kids.  (strikes match)

There are three colossal explosions.  MATT is covered with soot.
 Pan to reveal KELSEY GRAMMER lying on the street, pinned under
the upside-down giant diaper.

      KELSEY GRAMMER
      I flipped my diaper!

The DIAPER bursts into flame.

CUT TO:

KIBO, on the Moon.  In the distance, a NASA astronaut in a space
suit is (slowly) chasing a naked lady across the lunar surface.

      KIBO
      I sincerely hope you've sincerely enjoyed this typical
      episode of The Special Show!  And now, stay tuned for a
      sneak preview of The Special Show: The Motion Picture,
      starring Oscar winner Martin Landau!

CUT TO:

Cheez spraying out of the broken fire hydrant.  MARTIN LANDAU
runs into frame.

      MARTIN LANDAU
      (running in circles in the cheez)  Cheez!  Cheez!  Cheez!

CUT TO:

MARTIN LANDAU in the bowling alley, with blood spurting out of
his severed hands.

      MARTIN LANDAU
      Aaaaaaaaaghhhh!  My professional bowling career is RUINED!

CUT TO:

MARTIN LANDAU, dressed as a Beefeater.  He takes off his shako
revealing his brain.

CUT TO:

MARTIN LANDAU, screaming in agony with his head in a giant
stapler as SPIDER-MAN dances around him throwing confetti.

CUT TO:

MARTIN LANDAU, dressed as a baby with a Klingon forehead and
glittery cardboard box, in a crib.

      MARTIN LANDAU
      Way-ull, gaw-lee!

CUT TO:

MARTIN LANDAU driving a giant wheeled diaper.

      MARTIN LANDAU
      I appear to be lost.

CUT TO:

MARTIN LANDAU's face is superimposed on the giant diaper.

      MARTIN LANDAU
      I smell gas!

CUT TO:

MARTIN LANDAU, on the Moon, in a sailor outfit with one black arm.

      MARTIN LANDAU
      That's all for this week, see you all at the movies!

MARTIN's sailor suit changes to chinos and a green wool sweater.
SOUND FX: ELECTRONIC "BOING"
Sparkles surround him as he floats away into space.

CUT TO:

The NURSE, PATIENT, and NAPOLEON are still passed out in the
padded room.  The spinning chrome logo of THE SPECIAL SHOW
smashes through the wall and begins careening down the street,
bonking the heads of innocent bystanders.  It flies off into the
sunset.

FADE OUT.

      ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
      The Special Show was underwritten by a generous grant from
      The Trilateral Commission and Martin Landau.
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Last revised
December 25, 1999
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