This was the last episode before the series went on hiatus because its creator felt no need to entertain certain people for a year and a half.
THE SPECIAL SHOW! ================= EPISODE #5: LUNAR FRIDGE! (first broadcast 7/24/97) Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry Todos los derechos reservados. FADE IN: In an all-white padded room, a NURSE (who looks like a female George Bush) is repeatedly slapping the face of PATIENT who is wearing a straightjacket. There is a white TV set on a white TV cart in the corner of the room. Zoom in on the TV. We go into its screen and see another version of the same scene, in which the actress playing the NURSE is now in a straightjacket, and the actor formerly playing the PATIENT is in a nurse's uniform slapping her. There is a TV behind them. Zoom in on the TV. In a third version of the padded room, the NURSE and PATIENT are both in straightjackets, and NAPOLEON is slapping them both. There is a TV in the corner. From its screen bursts the revolving chrome logo of THE SPECIAL SHOW, which whacks all three of them on the head, knocking them unconscious. The logo bounces around the room hyperactively. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!! KIBO is standing on the surface of the moon. Instead of a space suit, he is wearing a white sailor suit with one black arm. KIBO Hello everybody, and welcome to the fifth episode of The Special Show! We have some wonderful comedy, drama, and documentary segments for you tonight! Without further ado, let's go to the center of all things cultural, downtown Hollywood, for a science lecture from Dr. Matt McIrvin! TITLE CARD: THE DANGEROUS STREETS OF THE BIG CITY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The dangerous streets of the big city! MATT McIRVIN, noted nuclear physicist, is standing on the corner of a Hollywood street, lecturing in a bowling shirt. MATT McIRVIN Am I boring you yet? Am I boring you yet? Am I boring you yet? (continues ad infinitum) In the background, we see a tanker truck approaching. From the truck's POV, we see MATT a long ways away. From in front of MATT, the truck is drawing closer. A side view of the truck shows a huge logo on the side: "CHEEZ WHIZ". The truck's POV again, MATT is pretty close. The CHEEZ WHIZ DRIVER notices MATT and looks startled. He thumps the horn on a Fisher-Price toy steering wheel in his cab, and it goes "beep". He frantically turns the plastic toy wheel. MATT is still droning on and on. Behind him, the truck swerves, rolls over, and just barely misses MATT, sliding past him upside-down. It clips a fire hydrant as it passes out of frame. The broken hydrant sprays a geyser of Cheez Whiz into the air. MATT McIRVIN (noticing the cheez fountain) Hooray! (he runs over to it and begins to run around under the fountain, waving his arms) Cheez! Cheez! Cheez! We see the front of a store with a sign, "CAMERA STORE". Every time MATT shouts "Cheez!" a hundred flash bulbs go off simultaneously! SHOPKEEPER (running out of store) I'm blind! I'm blind! Behind the shopkeeper, two more eighteen-wheeler tankers roar past. The first one has a sign identical in style to "CHEEZ WHIZ", only it says "EAR WAX". The second says "BOWLING" in the same style. POV of the BOWLING DRIVER. He is trying to catch up to the ear wax truck. The EAR WAX DRIVER looks in his rear view mirror, scared, and turns his Fisher-Price steering wheel. The bowling truck rams the side of the ear wax truck! There is an explosion and a huge white flash! CUT TO: Interior of a bowling alley. A ball is rolling down the lane when the white flash happens. The lane becomes covered with a thick layer of ear wax, and the ball stops dead in the middle. FIRST BOWLER Ewww! Ear wax! SECOND BOWLER Why does this always happen to us? MATT McIRVIN enters at a run. MATT McIRVIN Stop this insanity! Bowling is not to be made light of! Bowling is a SERIOUS SPORT, and I am a SERIOUS BOWLER! The various other BOWLERS glower at him. MATT McIRVIN And now, I shall bowl. He reaches to pick up a ball, but it bites his hand off. MATT runs around screaming, with Cheez Whiz dripping from his stump. MATT McIRVIN Aaaaaaaaaghhhh! My professional bowling career is RUINED! The other BOWLERS applaud quietly, politely, so as not to break anyone's concentration. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: ESCALATOR SAFETY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now, a heartfelt plea for escalator safety. A MAN is riding up an escalator. He reaches the top and continues rising into the air. ESCALATOR MAN Oh no! I forgot to get off! He screams as he is crushed to a pulp against the ceiling. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: A VISIT TO LONDON ANNOUNCER (V.O.) A visit to London! A BEEFEATER guard is standing in front of Buckingham palace. Some TOURISTS walk by and he sticks his tongue out behind their backs. A third TOURIST walks up to him. TOURIST Could I get a picture of you? The BEEFEATER takes off his shako, revealing that his brain is exposed. He reaches in between the halves of his brain and pulls out a Polaroid and hands it to the tourist. INSERT: Hand holding Polaroid of grinning tourist TOURIST Wow, thanks! I love England! MUSIC: GOD SAVE THE QUEEN DISSOLVE TO: TITLE CARD: FUN AT THE POOL ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Fun at the pool! Sponsored by Doritos! The SHOPKEEPER from earlier is standing by a wading pool. He jumps in. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) That's not water! The SHOPKEEPER shrieks and jumps out. He jumps into the next pool, which is filled with plastic balls, and begins trying to swim. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) That's not water! Get out of my balls! The SHOPKEEPER shrieks again and jumps out. He dives into the third wading pool, which is filled with Doritos (there is a Doritos billboard behind it.) He stands up, with pointy Doritos embedded in all parts of his body, with his hands over his face. SHOPKEEPER My eyes! My eyes! CUT TO: OVERHEAD CLOSE-UP OF A DORITO ON BLACK ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Doritos! They're so good, you won't mind getting them in your eyes! Put Doritos in your eyes today! A mouse walks into frame, onto the Dorito. It begins to revolve. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Doritos! Now with spinning mouse! MUSIC: MEXICAN HAT DANCE, DOUBLE SPEED CUT TO: KIBO, on the Moon. KIBO I would like to thank Doritos for always staying sharp. And now, The Special Show would like to illustrate a typical problem. TITLE CARD: A TYPICAL PROBLEM A lower-class HUSBAND and WIFE are in their living room. He is reading a tattered newspaper in his underwear. HUSBAND Says here that now doctors can perform surgery using staples. WIFE Gosh, isn't science wonderful. Zoom in on the HUSBAND's face as he begins to imagine. MUSIC: HARP GLISSANDOS FLEXITRON TO: A limbo set. MUSIC: WALTZ The HUSBAND, still in his underwear, has his head in a giant stapler. A DOCTOR is jumping up and down on it. The HUSBAND us screaming in agony. SPIDER-MAN enters and begins waltzing around the stapler while shooting brightly-colored confetti into the air from his wrists. A second copy of the HUSBAND, on a video overlay, runs into the frame. HUSBAND (on overlay) Stop! Stop! This is a private fantasy! The DOCTOR and SPIDER-MAN, also duplicated on the overlay, enter and drag him to a second giant stapler. The DOCTOR begins jumping up and down on it while SPIDER-MAN twirls around. We watch the two giant staplers torturing the two husbands. MATT McIRVIN enters. MATT McIRVIN You know, this isn't really how it's done. MUSIC: HARP GLISSANDOS FLEXITRON TO: The HUSBAND is still in his easy chair. HUSBAND Honey, I'm going in for surgery tomorrow! CUT TO: TITLE CARD: EINSTEIN'S GREATEST DILEMMA ANNOUNCER (V.O.) EINSTEIN'S GREATEST DILEMMA! EINSTEIN is standing next to a wall-mounted fire extinguisher. It bursts into flame. He looks at it, scratches his head, and begins to cry like a baby. CUT TO: TITLE CARD: HOMAGE ANNOUNCER (V.O.) HOMAGE! RUTH BUZZI, with prosthetic makeup of a Klingon forehead, is sitting on a park bench. JIM NABORS, wearing a cardboard box covered with glitter, enters. JIM NABORS Way-ull, gaw-lee! I am a robot! RUTH BUZZI stands up and begins poking at his cardboard box. JIM NABORS Don't you push mah buttons! I want a divorce! RUTH BUZZI But what about our baby? CUT TO: A BABY with a Klingon forehead, wearing a glittery cardboard box, in a crib. BABY Way-ull, gaw-lee! CUT TO: TITLE CARD: BACK TO THE DANGEROUS STREETS OF THE BIG CITY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) And now, back to the dangerous streets of the big city! Three BAD KIDS, about age eight, wearing leather jackets, are hanging out on a streetcorner. ROSE MARIE, as a nun whose head is three times larger than normal, drives up in a half-size fire engine. ROSE MARIE Read 'em and weep, boys! Read 'em and weep, boys! BAD KID #1 Read what? ROSE MARIE (holding two things up) A dictionary and a barometer! All three BAD KIDS start crying. ROSE MARIE DRIVES away. MATT McIRVIN enters. MATT McIRVIN Look, everyone, it's big TV star Kelsey Grammer! Yayyyyy! MATT's skinny foam rubber arms, controlled by black sticks from below, begin flailing around madly. KELSEY GRAMMER drives up in the giant wheeled diaper from a previous episode. KELSEY GRAMMER Boys, maybe you could help me, as I appear to be lost. BAD KID #2 Hey look! Kelsey Grammer drives a diaper! MATT McIRVIN You kids should not make fun of Kelsey Grammer's diaper! The DIAPER develops eyes and a mouth. GIANT WHEELED DIAPER I smell gas! The BAD KIDS scream and run away in fast-motion, hurling themselves head-first into garbage cans. MATT prepares to light his pipe. MATT McIRVIN Heh heh. Silly kids. (strikes match) There are three colossal explosions. MATT is covered with soot. Pan to reveal KELSEY GRAMMER lying on the street, pinned under the upside-down giant diaper. KELSEY GRAMMER I flipped my diaper! The DIAPER bursts into flame. CUT TO: KIBO, on the Moon. In the distance, a NASA astronaut in a space suit is (slowly) chasing a naked lady across the lunar surface. KIBO I sincerely hope you've sincerely enjoyed this typical episode of The Special Show! And now, stay tuned for a sneak preview of The Special Show: The Motion Picture, starring Oscar winner Martin Landau! CUT TO: Cheez spraying out of the broken fire hydrant. MARTIN LANDAU runs into frame. MARTIN LANDAU (running in circles in the cheez) Cheez! Cheez! Cheez! CUT TO: MARTIN LANDAU in the bowling alley, with blood spurting out of his severed hands. MARTIN LANDAU Aaaaaaaaaghhhh! My professional bowling career is RUINED! CUT TO: MARTIN LANDAU, dressed as a Beefeater. He takes off his shako revealing his brain. CUT TO: MARTIN LANDAU, screaming in agony with his head in a giant stapler as SPIDER-MAN dances around him throwing confetti. CUT TO: MARTIN LANDAU, dressed as a baby with a Klingon forehead and glittery cardboard box, in a crib. MARTIN LANDAU Way-ull, gaw-lee! CUT TO: MARTIN LANDAU driving a giant wheeled diaper. MARTIN LANDAU I appear to be lost. CUT TO: MARTIN LANDAU's face is superimposed on the giant diaper. MARTIN LANDAU I smell gas! CUT TO: MARTIN LANDAU, on the Moon, in a sailor outfit with one black arm. MARTIN LANDAU That's all for this week, see you all at the movies! MARTIN's sailor suit changes to chinos and a green wool sweater. SOUND FX: ELECTRONIC "BOING" Sparkles surround him as he floats away into space. CUT TO: The NURSE, PATIENT, and NAPOLEON are still passed out in the padded room. The spinning chrome logo of THE SPECIAL SHOW smashes through the wall and begins careening down the street, bonking the heads of innocent bystanders. It flies off into the sunset. FADE OUT. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The Special Show was underwritten by a generous grant from The Trilateral Commission and Martin Landau.
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December 25, 1999
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