Sixth in a long series of television shows aimed at a very special audience.
According to Web search engines, this episode contains a higher concentration of diapers than almost any other Web page!
THE SPECIAL SHOW! ================= EPISODE #6: THE EPISODE THAT DOESN'T MENTION ROLLERSKATING CHIMPS! (filmed in September 1997 and April 1998, then lost. first broadcast December 25, 1999.) Copyright (C) 1997-1999 James "Kibo" Parry Todos los derechos reservados. -- FADE IN. We are in a padded cell in a psychiatric institution. Everything is white. A NURSE, who looks like a female Jim Nabors, is wearing a white uniform. There is a white Philco Predicta TV set behind her, turned off. NURSE Sedative. An hand from offscreen passes her a needle. She squirts a few drops into the air and then jabs the needle into the camera lens. She injects all the fluid. NURSE More sedative. The hand passes her a second needle. She also squirts some fluid into the air and then injects it into the camera lense. NURSE More sedative! The hand gives her a third one, and she injects it too. By now the lens is filled to the top with a slighty hazy concentrated sedative. NURSE Good, you're now ready for your therapy. It's time to watch... "The Special Show!" The NURSE switches on the TV. It displays a revolving chrome logo which says "The Special Show!" upside-down. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The! ... Special! ... Show! And now, heeeeeere's Kibo! CUT TO: KIBO is our host for the evening. He is standing in front of a window which is showing all of the tallest buildings in the world, including the World Trade Center, the Eiffel Tower, Seattle's Space Needle, and assorted others. Frank Lloyd Wright's "Falling Water" house is in front of the skyscrapers. The view makes it clear that we are up high. Other than the window, the wall is covered with tacky wallpaper which repeats the words "SPECIAL WALLPAPER" in different typefaces. KIBO Ladies and gentlemen, recently The Special Show brought you a silly sketch about a fast-food restaurant supposedly called "Diaper Burger", and a wacky skit in which Kelsey Grammer pretended to drive a giant diaper. Several of you have written in to ask why we think diapers are funny. Well, scientists have long labored to understand the funniness of diapers. Diapers are a cornerstone of all that is good and funny. Let me illustrate this with my new invention (holding up a small box) which I call Diap-O. Kibo pulls a ring on a string on the back of the box. It begins to vibrate. He hurriedly sets it down on the stool and backs away. KIBO In a few seconds, the Diap-O will emit its special waves of Diap-O radiation which will prevent diapers from being funny. Glowing rings of light spread out from the Diap-O box. KIBO And now, let us visit a world in which diapers are not funny. TITLE CARD: IN THE BOARDROOM ANNOUNCER (V.O.) In The Boardroom! CUT TO: Various MEN in three-piece suits are sitting around a mahogany table in a corporate boardroom. MAN #1 Gentlemen, this is a disaster. Our company, which sells comminuted beef patties, is going bankrupt. It seems our products have a crummy name. We must immediately pick a new name for them, one which is more appropriate than "ham" burgers. Waves of Diap-O energy pass through the room for a moment. MAN #2 I know! We'll call them Diaper Burgers! MAN #3 There is nothing odd about that name at all! I like Diaper Burgers! MAN #4 Hooray for the word "diaper"! JIMMY CARTER bursts into the room, with a megaphone. JIMMY CARTER (shouting into the megaphone) May I have your attention, please! As the President of the United States, I hereby declare that instead of business suits, business men will now wear diapers! Their clothes explode, leaving them clad in diapers. MAN #1 I'm wearing diapers, which is a completely normal event! MAN #2 I wish my clothes would explode every day so that I could wear more diapers! JIMMY CARTER Even if I weren't President, I'd still wear diapers! MAN #3 Diapers rock! MAN #4 Quick, turn on the TV, it's time for "Star Trek: Voyager"! JIMMY CARTER switches on a console TV. The screen fills with black and white zigzags. ZOOM IN on zigzags. DISSOLVE TO: Aboard the starship Voyager, KATE MULGREW is making love to LEONARDO DaVINCI. Her communicator beeps. KATE MULGREW (sighs) What is it now? TIM RUSS (V.O.) Captain Janeway, the ship has encountered an unusual phenomenon. KATE MULGREW What kind of phenomenon? TIM RUSS (V.O.) (oddly distorted) It appears to be a giant diaper... diaper... diaper... DIAPER... DIAPER... DIIIAAAPERRRRRRR..... DDDDDIIIIIIIAAAAAAPPPPPEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR..... KATE MULGREW's arm grows in length and begins to ripple. KATE MULGREW (talking backwards) My arm is getting very long, help me, Leonardo! TIM RUSS (V.O.) DDDDDIIIIIAAAPPPEEERRRR... DDDDDIIIIAAAAPPPPEEEERRRR.... CAMERA FOLLOWS her hand as her arm elongates. Her hand leaves the Voyager and passes onto the next set, which shows a grassy meadow. It goes behind a giant glass bottle in which a strip of bacon is growing. A bee, making light-saber noises, is hovering around the bottle. GOD's hand reaches down from the clouds, puts a cap on the bottle, and hands it to KATE MULGREW. Her arm immediately retracts back to the Voyager. KATE MULGREW (looking at the bottle with the strip of bacon) Mmm! Diaper flavor! TIM RUSS (V.O.) FLAVOR... FLAVOR... FLAVOR... FLAAAAVORRRR... FLAAAAAAVORRRRRRRR... CUT TO: Outer space. A giant diaper flies past. The bee is following it. TITLE CARD: MEN AT WORK ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Men At Work! A GUY is pointing to a fifty-foot tall diaper from which black smoke is escaping. A fire truck pulls up next to it and several FIREMEN get out. GUY Kelsey Grammer is trapped inside a burning diaper! FIRE CHIEF Bring me the diaper ax! Another FIREMAN hands him a large ax, and he chops a big hole in the diaper. One of them pulls KELSEY GRAMMER out. He is covered with soot and is wearing only a diaper. KELSEY GRAMMER That diaper is a deathtrap! FIRE CHIEF Yes, diapers are a serious matter. CUT TO: KIBO, in front of his window. KIBO And now... the Marx Brothers! SWISH-PAN TO: Three tombstones, "Chico", "Groucho", and "Harpo". With a slide-whistle noise, a strip of bacon rises out of Groucho's grave. The bee, still making light-saber noises, orbits it. TALKING BACON (Groucho voice) How the elephant got into my diaper, I'll never know! TITLE CARD (very pretty): AN EVENING WITH BARBARA BAIN MUSIC: Music box ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (mellow) The Special Show now proudly presents an evening with the multitalented Miss Barbara Bain. CUT TO: BARBARA BAIN is sitting on a stool on an empty stage, holding a microphone. She is wearing a "Space: 1999" uniform. Behind her, a spotlight is shining on a glass box in which MARTIN LANDAU is trapped. He is also wearing a "Space: 1999" uniform and is screaming constantly, but the box is soundproof. BARBARA BAIN (acting into microphone) How the, elephant got into my... diaper I'll, never... know? With a slide-whistle noise, the bacon strip rises out of her big hair. The bee begins to fly around her head. MARTIN LANDAU smashes his way out of the glass box, and runs over to her. MARTIN LANDAU (acting while bleeding all over) Don't you understand!!! The Diap-O radiation!!! Is wearing off!!! Soon diapers will!!! Be funny again!!! Waves of Diap-O radiation pass through, and fade away. TIM RUSS (V.O.) DIIIAPERRRRSSSSS... DIAPERS.... diapers.... (fades out) BARBARA BAIN (acting into microphone) What does this mean? MARTIN LANDAU (acting while bleeding all over) Diapers are funny again!!! Yaaaaaagggghhhhh!!!!! CUT TO: A crane is swinging a big diaper like a wrecking ball. It smashes into a skyscraper. CUT TO: BARBARA and MARTIN duck as the big diaper smashes its way onto the stage and swings right past them. They run offstage. CUT TO: KIBO, in front of his window. BARBARA and MARTIN enter. BARBARA BAIN (acting) A giant diaper is, destroying, The Special Show! Everything shakes as the diaper smashes into some other part of the building. The scenery behind the window turns upside down. KIBO Oh no! The building has turned upside down! MARTIN LANDAU (acting) Follow me!!! I'll get us!!! Out of here!!! They run out the stage door into a stairwell. The "UP" and "DOWN" signs on the stairs have switched places, but are still right side up. KIBO We're trapped in The Special Show forever! BARBARA BAIN (acting) Maybe not. Maybe if we just use reverse logic... MARTIN LANDAU Yes!!! Reverse logic!!! They all run up the stairs. They come to a corridor with a plastic wading pool in the middle, with six inches of water in it. Scooby-Doo is printed on the pool. KIBO Watch out! BARBARA BAIN (acting as she falls into the pool) Aaaaaaiiiiiieeeee!!! MARTIN LANDAU We can't go back for her!!! We've got to continue!!! She would have wanted it that way!!! They run down the hall, and come to a brick wall. The diaper smashes through, making a big diaper-shaped hole. KIBO Can we go out that way? MARTIN LANDAU (acting) We can't fit through that hole!!! It's too wide!!! SHELLEY WINTERS enters. SHELLEY WINTERS I can fit through that hole! She walks out of the building through the hole. KIBO & MARTIN LANDAU (together) Hooray! Shelley Winters is saved! With a slide-whistle noise, the strip of bacon rises out of Martin Landau's hair. TALKING BACON But what about us? The bee flies into the corridor through the hole, buzzes around, and explodes, killing MARTIN. KIBO Oh no, the bee bomb blew up Martin Landau! My only chance to save myself is to leave the building by the front door before the deadly diaper activates the building's self-destruct system! BUILDING COMPUTER (V.O.) This building will self-destruct in one minute unless someone sings "Bad Moon Rising"! KIBO runs down another corridor. At the other end, it is blocked by prison bars made entirely out of bananas. Behind the bananas, several of the evil bees are waiting. KIBO It's the bee bomb banana bars! BUILDING COMPUTER (V.O.) This building will self-destruct in thirty seconds unless someone sings "Bad Moon Rising"! KIBO You know, that just might work... (singing very badly) I see a bad moon rising, trouble's on the way... CUT TO: The cityscape, with the crane swinging the diaper at the skyscraper. The skyscraper falls over with a slide-whistle noise, and the diaper misses it! CUT TO: KELSEY GRAMMER operating the crane, wearing a diaper. KELSEY GRAMMER Curse you, Kibo! Because of you, my diaper is funny! The strip of bacon rises out of his diaper, with the slide-whistle noise. TALKING BACON It's a living! WACKY MUSIC STING. CUT TO BLACK TITLE CARD: THE END ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The Special Show is a production of the National Talking Bacon Council. BARBARA BAIN (V.O.) (acting) This bacon tastes weird. END