Sixth in a long series of television shows aimed at a very special audience.

According to Web search engines, this episode contains a higher concentration of diapers than almost any other Web page!

                           THE SPECIAL SHOW!
                           =================
        
                              EPISODE #6:
           
         THE EPISODE THAT DOESN'T MENTION ROLLERSKATING CHIMPS!

          (filmed in September 1997 and April 1998, then lost.
                   first broadcast December 25, 1999.)


              Copyright (C) 1997-1999 James "Kibo" Parry
                    Todos los derechos reservados.

 --

FADE IN.

We are in a padded cell in a psychiatric institution.
Everything is white.  A NURSE, who looks like a female
Jim Nabors, is wearing a white uniform.  There is a white
Philco Predicta TV set behind her, turned off.

        NURSE
        Sedative.

An hand from offscreen passes her a needle.  She squirts
a few drops into the air and then jabs the needle into
the camera lens.  She injects all the fluid.

        NURSE
        More sedative.

The hand passes her a second needle.  She also squirts some
fluid into the air and then injects it into the camera lense.

        NURSE
        More sedative!

The hand gives her a third one, and she injects it too.
By now the lens is filled to the top with a slighty hazy
concentrated sedative.

        NURSE
        Good, you're now ready for your therapy.
        It's time to watch... "The Special Show!"

The NURSE switches on the TV.  It displays a revolving
chrome logo which says "The Special Show!" upside-down.

        ANNOUNCER
        (V.O.)
        The! ... Special! ... Show!
        And now, heeeeeere's Kibo!

CUT TO:

KIBO is our host for the evening.  He is standing in front of
a window which is showing all of the tallest buildings in the
world, including the World Trade Center, the Eiffel Tower,
Seattle's Space Needle, and assorted others. Frank Lloyd
Wright's "Falling Water" house is in front of the skyscrapers.
The view makes it clear that we are up high.  Other than the
window, the wall is covered with tacky wallpaper which repeats
the words "SPECIAL WALLPAPER" in different typefaces.

        KIBO
        Ladies and gentlemen, recently The Special Show
        brought you a silly sketch about a fast-food
        restaurant supposedly called "Diaper Burger", and a
        wacky skit in which Kelsey Grammer pretended to
        drive a giant diaper.   Several of you have written
        in to ask why we think diapers are funny.  Well,
        scientists have long labored to understand the
        funniness of diapers.  Diapers are a cornerstone of
        all that is good and funny.  Let me illustrate this
        with my new invention (holding up a small box) which
        I call Diap-O.

Kibo pulls a ring on a string on the back of the box.  It begins
to vibrate.  He hurriedly sets it down on the stool and backs away.

        KIBO
        In a few seconds, the Diap-O will emit its special
        waves of Diap-O radiation which will prevent diapers
        from being funny.

Glowing rings of light spread out from the Diap-O box.

        KIBO
        And now, let us visit a world in which diapers
        are not funny.

TITLE CARD: IN THE BOARDROOM

        ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
        In The Boardroom!

CUT TO:

Various MEN in three-piece suits are sitting around a mahogany
table in a corporate boardroom.

        MAN #1
        Gentlemen, this is a disaster.  Our company,
        which sells comminuted beef patties, is going
        bankrupt.  It seems our products have a crummy name.
        We must immediately pick a new name for them, one
        which is more appropriate than "ham" burgers.

Waves of Diap-O energy pass through the room for a moment.

        MAN #2
        I know!  We'll call them Diaper Burgers!
        
        MAN #3
        There is nothing odd about that name at all!
        I like Diaper Burgers!
        
        MAN #4
        Hooray for the word "diaper"!

JIMMY CARTER bursts into the room, with a megaphone.

        JIMMY CARTER
        (shouting into the megaphone)
        May I have your attention, please!  As the President
        of the United States, I hereby declare that instead
        of business suits, business men will now wear diapers!

Their clothes explode, leaving them clad in diapers.

        MAN #1
        I'm wearing diapers, which is a completely normal event!
        
        MAN #2
        I wish my clothes would explode every day so that
        I could wear more diapers!
        
        JIMMY CARTER
        Even if I weren't President, I'd still wear diapers!
        
        MAN #3
        Diapers rock!
        
        MAN #4
        Quick, turn on the TV, it's time for "Star Trek: Voyager"!

JIMMY CARTER switches on a console TV.  The screen fills with
black and white zigzags.

ZOOM IN on zigzags.

DISSOLVE TO:

Aboard the starship Voyager, KATE MULGREW is making love to LEONARDO DaVINCI.
Her communicator beeps.

        KATE MULGREW
        (sighs)  What is it now?
        
        TIM RUSS (V.O.)
        Captain Janeway, the ship has encountered an unusual phenomenon.
        
        KATE MULGREW
        What kind of phenomenon?
        
        TIM RUSS (V.O.)
        (oddly distorted)
        It appears to be a giant diaper...  diaper...  diaper...
        DIAPER...  DIAPER...  DIIIAAAPERRRRRRR.....
        DDDDDIIIIIIIAAAAAAPPPPPEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR.....

KATE MULGREW's arm grows in length and begins to ripple.

        KATE MULGREW
        (talking backwards)
        My arm is getting very long, help me, Leonardo!
        
        TIM RUSS (V.O.)
        DDDDDIIIIIAAAPPPEEERRRR...  DDDDDIIIIAAAAPPPPEEEERRRR....

CAMERA FOLLOWS her hand as her arm elongates.  Her hand leaves the Voyager 
and passes onto the next set, which shows a grassy meadow.  It goes behind
a giant glass bottle in which a strip of bacon is growing.  A bee, making
light-saber noises, is hovering around the bottle.  GOD's hand reaches down
from the clouds, puts a cap on the bottle, and hands it to KATE MULGREW.
Her arm immediately retracts back to the Voyager.

        KATE MULGREW
        (looking at the bottle with the strip of bacon)
        Mmm!  Diaper flavor!
        
        TIM RUSS (V.O.)
        FLAVOR... FLAVOR... FLAVOR... FLAAAAVORRRR...
        FLAAAAAAVORRRRRRRR...

CUT TO:

Outer space.  A giant diaper flies past.  The bee is following it.

TITLE CARD:  MEN AT WORK

        ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
        Men At Work!

A GUY is pointing to a fifty-foot tall diaper from which black smoke
is escaping.  A fire truck pulls up next to it and several FIREMEN get out.

        GUY
        Kelsey Grammer is trapped inside a burning diaper!
        
        FIRE CHIEF
        Bring me the diaper ax!

Another FIREMAN hands him a large ax, and he chops a big hole in the diaper.
One of them pulls KELSEY GRAMMER out.  He is covered with soot and is
wearing only a diaper.

        KELSEY GRAMMER
        That diaper is a deathtrap!
        
        FIRE CHIEF
        Yes, diapers are a serious matter.

CUT TO:

KIBO, in front of his window.

        KIBO
        And now... the Marx Brothers!
        
SWISH-PAN TO:

Three tombstones, "Chico", "Groucho", and "Harpo".  With a slide-whistle
noise, a strip of bacon rises out of Groucho's grave.   The bee, still
making light-saber noises, orbits it.

        TALKING BACON
        (Groucho voice)
        How the elephant got into my diaper, I'll never know!

TITLE CARD (very pretty): AN EVENING WITH BARBARA BAIN

MUSIC:  Music box

        ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
        (mellow)  The Special Show now proudly presents an
        evening with the multitalented Miss Barbara Bain.

CUT TO:

BARBARA BAIN is sitting on a stool on an empty stage, holding
a microphone.  She is wearing a "Space: 1999" uniform.  Behind her,
a spotlight is shining on a glass box in which MARTIN LANDAU is trapped.
He is also wearing a "Space: 1999" uniform and is screaming constantly,
but the box is soundproof.

        BARBARA BAIN
        (acting into microphone)
        How the, elephant got into my... diaper I'll, never... know?

With a slide-whistle noise, the bacon strip rises out of her big hair.
The bee begins to fly around her head.  MARTIN LANDAU smashes his way
out of the glass box, and runs over to her.

        MARTIN LANDAU
        (acting while bleeding all over)
        Don't you understand!!!  The Diap-O radiation!!!
        Is wearing off!!!  Soon diapers will!!!
        Be funny again!!!

Waves of Diap-O radiation pass through, and fade away.

        TIM RUSS (V.O.)
        DIIIAPERRRRSSSSS...  DIAPERS....  diapers.... 
        (fades out)

        BARBARA BAIN
        (acting into microphone)
        What does this mean?
        
        MARTIN LANDAU
        (acting while bleeding all over)
        Diapers are funny again!!!   Yaaaaaagggghhhhh!!!!!

CUT TO:

A crane is swinging a big diaper like a wrecking ball.  It smashes
into a skyscraper.

CUT TO:

BARBARA and MARTIN duck as the big diaper smashes its way onto the
stage and swings right past them.  They run offstage.

CUT TO:

KIBO, in front of his window.  BARBARA and MARTIN enter.

        BARBARA BAIN
        (acting)
        A giant diaper is, destroying, The Special Show!

Everything shakes as the diaper smashes into some other part of
the building.  The scenery behind the window turns upside down.

        KIBO
        Oh no!  The building has turned upside down!
        
        MARTIN LANDAU
        (acting)
        Follow me!!!  I'll get us!!!  Out of here!!!

They run out the stage door into a stairwell.  The "UP" and "DOWN"
signs on the stairs have switched places, but are still right side up.

        KIBO
        We're trapped in The Special Show forever!
        
        BARBARA BAIN
        (acting)
        Maybe not.  Maybe if we just use reverse logic...
        
        MARTIN LANDAU
        Yes!!!  Reverse logic!!!

They all run up the stairs.  They come to a corridor with a plastic
wading pool in the middle, with six inches of water in it.
Scooby-Doo is printed on the pool.

        KIBO
        Watch out!
        
        BARBARA BAIN
        (acting as she falls into the pool)
        Aaaaaaiiiiiieeeee!!!
        
        MARTIN LANDAU
        We can't go back for her!!!  We've got to continue!!!
        She would have wanted it that way!!!

They run down the hall, and come to a brick wall.  The diaper smashes
through, making a big diaper-shaped hole.

        KIBO
        Can we go out that way?
        
        MARTIN LANDAU
        (acting)
        We can't fit through that hole!!!  It's too wide!!!

SHELLEY WINTERS enters.

        SHELLEY WINTERS
        I can fit through that hole!

She walks out of the building through the hole.

        KIBO & MARTIN LANDAU
        (together)
        Hooray!  Shelley Winters is saved!

With a slide-whistle noise, the strip of bacon rises out of
Martin Landau's hair.

        TALKING BACON
        But what about us?

The bee flies into the corridor through the hole, buzzes around,
and explodes, killing MARTIN.

        KIBO
        Oh no, the bee bomb blew up Martin Landau!
        My only chance to save myself is to leave the
        building by the front door before the deadly
        diaper activates the building's self-destruct system!
        
        BUILDING COMPUTER (V.O.)
        This building will self-destruct in one minute
        unless someone sings "Bad Moon Rising"!

KIBO runs down another corridor.  At the other end, it is blocked
by prison bars made entirely out of bananas.  Behind the bananas,
several of the evil bees are waiting.

        KIBO
        It's the bee bomb banana bars!
        
        BUILDING COMPUTER (V.O.)
        This building will self-destruct in thirty seconds
        unless someone sings "Bad Moon Rising"!
        
        KIBO
        You know, that just might work... (singing very badly)
        I see a bad moon rising, trouble's on the way...

CUT TO:

The cityscape, with the crane swinging the diaper at the skyscraper. 
The skyscraper falls over with a slide-whistle noise, and the diaper
misses it!

CUT TO:

KELSEY GRAMMER operating the crane, wearing a diaper.
        
        KELSEY GRAMMER
        Curse you, Kibo!  Because of you, my diaper is funny!

The strip of bacon rises out of his diaper, with the slide-whistle noise.

        TALKING BACON
        It's a living!

WACKY MUSIC STING.

CUT TO BLACK

TITLE CARD:  THE END

        ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
        The Special Show is a production of the
        National Talking Bacon Council.
        
        BARBARA BAIN (V.O.)
        (acting)
        This bacon tastes weird.

END

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