Seventh in a long series of television shows aimed at a very special audience.
Half a year later, I swear I don't remember writing this one at all.
THE SPECIAL SHOW! ================= EPISODE #7: 1999 CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (first broadcast December 25, 1999) Copyright (C) 1999 James "Kibo" Parry Todos los derechos reservados. FADE IN: (We are in the usual padded cell with white walls. A NURSE in a white uniform is there, holding a small white TV set. She looks like a female version of Ernest Borgnine. In the corner is a Christmas tree completely covered in white spray-on snow.) NURSE You've been a very good little mental patient this year. Your reward is to watch the very special Christmas episode of "The Special Show!" (She holds the little TV up to the camera lens so that its picture fills the screen completely. It shows the revolving chrome logo of "The Special Show!") ANNOUNCER (Walter Winchell, voice-over) The! ... Special! ... Show! And now, ladies and gentlemen... your host, Kibo! CUT TO: (KIBO and MARTHA STEWART are stringing popcorn garlands in her living room.) KIBO Oh... hi there! I didn't hear you come in! But, since you got out of your padded cell somehow, you might as well spend a very special Christmas with this special Christmas episode of "The Special Show!" I'm afraid I can't be in this episode, because I'm busy having a happy holiday, but I assure you that this episode is a dilly of a doozy! It kicks off with the Rockettes! CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "The Radio City Music Hall Rockettes" ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen... The Rockettes! (Forty forty-year-old gals in fishnet tights are huddled together, trying to hold as motionless as possible. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL they are standing on a little platform precariously balanced above a pit of razor-sharp spikes. Animated six-pointed snowflake-shaped sparkly glints are blinking on the tips of the spikes to indicate they are pointy yet Christmassy. The ROCKETTES gamely hold still for a few moments, then the one on the right begins to dance the Can-Can. The others gasp in horror as the platform tilts. They all fall off.) CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "Yet Another Osmond Family Christmas" ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen... Donnie and Marie! (DONNIE and MARIE OSMOND are on stage, wearing festive yet non-denominational Christmas sweaters, holding microphones with tinsel garlands wrapped around the cords. They smile and animated six-pointed sparkly glints blink around their teeth. They take deep breaths and are about to sing when the floor collapses, dropping them into a meat grinder. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL a SCIENTIST in a white lab coat turning the crank. Ground meat comes out. He puts the dish of ground meat under a microscope and looks into the eyepiece.) SCIENTIST Five percent country... five percent rock and roll... and ninety percent filler! (The KING OF SWEDEN enters. The SCIENTIST doesn't look up.) KING OF SWEDEN You have just won the Nobel Prize for your work on comminuted celebrities! (The SCIENTIST looks up. A circle of shoe polish surrounds his eye. The KING OF SWEDEN laughs.) KING OF SWEDEN Ha, ha! We tricked you! We made up the idea of Nobel Prizes just to fool scientists into looking into microscopes so that we could smear shoe polish on the eyepieces! You're a bozo! SCIENTIST I've wasted my life! I should have been a pop singer! (The SCIENTIST exits through a door that leads to the same stage we just saw. The floor is intact again. Someone offscreen tosses him a microphone.) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen... a scientist! SCIENTIST (singing) What's new, pussycat... whoa-oh-oh... (The floor collapses, but he remains suspended in mid-air. He notices the hole beneath him.) SCIENTIST Ha! I am immune to gravity because I no longer believe in science! (The KING OF SWEDEN walks onto the stage.) KING OF SWEDEN Curse you for not believing in science... (screams as he falls into the hole) SCIENTIST From now on, I only believe in Santa Claus! CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "The Adventures Of Santa Claus" ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The Adventures Of Santa Claus! (A small BOY, wearing pajamas, is sitting on a living-room couch, staring at the empty fireplace. A Christmas tree, an aquarium, and a TV set are in the background.) NEWSCASTER (on TV) The FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the DIA, the USIA, FEMA, and several other top-secret government agencies have announced that all citizens should be vigilant at all times because any package could be a bomb if you don't know what it is! (SANTA drops into the fireplace, unhitching a rope and carabiner from his harness.) WIDE SHOT OF SANTA YELLING "HO! HO! HO!" CLOSEUP OF SANTA YELLING "HO! HO! HO!" EXTREME CLOSEUP OF SANTA YELLING "HO! HO! HO!" EXTREMELY EXTREME CLOSEUP OF SANTA'S LEFT EYE AS HE YELLS "HO! HO! HO!" (SANTA reaches into his bag and tosses a small wrapped gift to the boy.) NEWSCASTER (on TV) If you don't know what it is, it COULD be a bomb! Especially if it has no return address! (The BOY screams and tosses the box into the aquarium. It sinks rapidly, because it has air holes punched into the sides and lid. Meowing noises come from it before it sinks.) BOY Santa, I reject you and your gift because it COULD have been a bomb! SANTA Okay, kid, try this! WIDE SHOT OF SANTA YELLING "HO!" CLOSEUP OF SANTA YELLING "HO!" EXTREME CLOSEUP OF SANTA YELLING "HO!" EXTREMELY EXTREME CLOSEUP OF SANTA'S LEFT EYE AS HE YELLS "HO!" MICROSCOPIC CLOSEUP OF SANTA'S EYE'S PUPIL AS HE YELLS "HO!" (SANTA reaches into his bag and tosses a round black bomb, with a burning fuse, to the BOY.) NEWSCASTER (on TV) If you don't know what it is, it COULD be a bomb! BOY Hey! I know what this is! That means it's safe! (The bomb explodes. SANTA is blasted back into the fireplace and up the chimney. He hops into his sleigh and goes to the next house. They are a young couple who just happen have the same living room, slightly rearranged.) SANTA Merry Christmas! MAN But we aren't Christian! WOMAN (pointing at the top of the tree) See? (SANTA looks, and sees an upside-down five-pointed star on the top of the tree. Also, the tree has a banner which says "HAIL SATAN!") MAN AND WOMAN (together, perkily) We're Satanists! SANTA That's okay! Santa is prepared! (SANTA opens his sack wide and SATAN steps out, wearing a similar red furry costume. Except in his case it's not really a costume, just his fur. SATAN reaches into his own sack and tosses the MAN and WOMAN a pair of still-beating hearts.) MAN AND WOMAN (together) Yay! This is the best Evil Satanic Anti-Christmas ever! (SANTA holds his bag open and SATAN hops back in. SANTA smiles and winks and beams out, "Star Trek"-style. He rematerializes in his sleigh and heads for another home. It has a third copy of the same living room with the furniture slightly rearranged. SUPERMAN is hanging ornaments on his tree.) SANTA Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, Superman! SUPERMAN I'm happy I chose to stop fighting crime tonight so that I could be here to receive your valuable presents! SANTA Why... Superman... that's wrong! You're a naughty Superman! Here is your Christmas present... (SANTA reaches into his sack and hands SUPERMAN a big lump of coal. SUPERMAN squeezes it. It glows and turns into the world's largest diamond. Six-pointed sparkles blink around it.) SUPERMAN Why, thank you, Santa! SANTA Superman... I hate you! (SANTA takes a swing at SUPERMAN. SUPERMAN slugs SANTA in the gut. They fight. SANTA is winning. At the end of the fight, SUPERMAN is lying on the floor and SANTA is jumping up and down on him.) SANTA Hmm... I wonder what other superheroes are up to? CUT TO: TITLE CARD: "Einstein meets Batman" ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Einstein meets Batman! (ALBERT EINSTEIN is walking down a city street.) EINSTEIN (singing to himself) La, la, la... doobie doobie doo... (A local PERSON runs up to him, kicks him in the crotch, and runs away.) EINSTEIN Ow! That hurt! Someone just kicked me in the crotch! (He resumes walking and singing, but a second PERSON kicks him in the crotch and runs away.) EINSTEIN Hey! People are kicking me in the crotch! (Two more PEOPLE run into the frame. The one on the left kicks him in the crotch. The one on the right kicks him in the crotch.) EINSTEIN People keep kicking me in the crotch! They must have some reason! I need to find out what it is! Help me, Batman! (BATMAN drops into frame as he swings in on his Bat-rope. He strikes a heroic pose next to Einstein, facing directly into the camera.) BATMAN Albert Einstein, do you require my assistance? EINSTEIN Batman, people keep kicking me in the crotch! What do you suggest I do? BATMAN I suggest you figure out how to stop them from kicking you in the crotch! (BATMAN exits.) EINSTEIN Gosh! That advice might work, if only I can figure out how to stop people from kicking me in the crotch! (CAMERA ZOOMS IN to a close-up of Einstein's face as he thinks for a few seconds. A light bulb appears over his head, surrounded by blinking six-point sparkles.) EINSTEIN Eureka! CUT TO: (EINSTEIN is strolling down the street, singing happily to himself. He is wearing jointed steel pants made of half-inch-thick plates of armor.) EINSTEIN La, la, la, la dee da... (A PERSON runs up to him and kicks him in the crotch. It goes "Bong!" Einstein doesn't even feel it.) EINSTEIN Ha, ha, ha! My crotch is impervious to your foot! (The PERSON kicks him several more times, but EINSTEIN just laughs. A couple more PEOPLE enter and kick him for a while. They give up and trudge away, disappointed.) EINSTEIN Ha, ha, ha! I am so happy I invented armored pants that cannot be kicked in the crotch! (BILL GATES enters.) BILL GATES Albert Einstein, I am Bill Gates and I have patented the idea of not getting kicked in the crotch! Therefore, your pants have been nullified! (EINSTEIN'S pants disappear, revealing boxer shorts with a snowflake-print pattern. BILL GATES kicks him in the crotch) BILL GATES HA!!! HA!!! HA!!! EINSTEIN Waah! I don't like being forced to feel pain when people successfully kick me in the crotch! BILL GATES Kick you later, Einstein! HA!!! HA!!! (BILL GATES exists as BATMAN enters again.) EINSTEIN Batman, they're still kicking me in the crotch! BATMAN Who is kicking you in the crotch? EINSTEIN Everyone! Everyone is kicking me in the crotch! (CAMERA ZOOMS IN on BATMAN's face as he thinks about that. A sparkly light bulb appears above his head. He kicks EINSTEIN in the crotch.) BATMAN I'm sorry, old chum, but you said EVERYONE kicks you in the crotch. (ROBIN enters.) ROBIN Batman, may I please help kick Einstein in the crotch? BATMAN Yes, Robin, provided you've done your civics homework. ROBIN Oh boy! Crotch-kicking! (They kick him in the crotch some more. While EINSTEIN is doubled over in pain, BATMAN shoves him to the left. EINSTEIN falls off the edge of the set. He falls a great distance, into what appears to be an enormous taco. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal it is a normal-size taco in the hands of THE INCREDIBLE HULK.) HULK Mmm... Hulk like tacos! (The HULK slowly moves it towards his open mouth. But he accidentally crushes the taco to bits in his burly fist before it gets there.) HULK Rrr... Hulk smash taco because Hulk stupid! (SPIDER-MAN dances into view wearing his shiny red plaid spandex leotard. He twirls around as he dances. HULK grabs him and kisses him. Web fluid shoots out of SPIDER-MAN's wrist.) HULK Mmm... better than taco! (High above, BATMAN and ROBIN have been watching.) ROBIN Batman, is the Hulk gay? BATMAN No, Robin. He's just very stupid. ROBIN Holy "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," Batman! BATMAN Yes... Robin... Don't ask... Don't tell... indeed. I wonder... what our old friend... Superman... is up to... right now. CUT TO: (A small dormitory bedroom. A SHORT BALD MAN is sitting cross-legged on his bed surrounded by comic books. There is a mosquito net over his bed. In the background there is a small, neglected Christmas tree turning brown. The SHORT BALD MAN is engrossed in a "Lois Lane, Girl Reporter" comic book.) SHORT BALD MAN Oh, Lois Lane, you are so hot! (SUPERMAN jumps into the room through the window.) SUPERMAN Stop fantasizing about my girlfriend, you creep! SHORT BALD MAN What're you going to do about it? You're not real, you're just a comic-book character! (SUPERMAN reaches in through the mosquito netting and puts his hands on both sides of the SHORT BALD MAN's head. He squeezes and the head turns into a small diamond, still attached to the man's shoulders. He runs around the room in circles waving his arms, trying to scream, but no sound comes out of his mouthless faceted head.) SUPERMAN That'll teach you to use your imagination! (SUPERMAN pushes the Christmas tree over and exits by walking through a wall, destroying Da Vinci's "The Last Supper" which is hanging there.) CUT TO: (In the local police station, a DESK SARGEANT is leaning forwards to talk to someone who is even shorter than he used to be.) DESK SARGEANT You say Superman crushed your head until it turned into a diamond? SHORT BALD DIAMOND-HEADED MAN Mmmpf! Mmmmmmpf! DESK SARGEANT That's ridiculous. (In the background, through the open door, we see Einstein run past, screaming. Batman and Robin are running after him.) DESK SARGEANT Tell you what, come back when you stop having this delusion that your head is a diamond and then you can tell us about how Superman turned your head into a diamond. (The floor collapses beneath them and everyone falls into the top of a meat grinder, including BATMAN, ROBIN, EINSTEIN, SUPERMAN, the HULK, the DESK SARGEANT, the SHORT BALD DIAMOND-HEADED MAN, SPIDER-MAN, BILL GATES, SANTA, SATAN, and assorted PEOPLE. The floor collapses beneath the grinder and it falls into the pit of spikes, landing on the ROCKETTES. The bottom of the pit collapses, dropping everything out into the blackness of outer space. All we see is a starfield. A six-sided, snowflake-shaped space station slowly rises into view from below. It is a Cylon base ship. A Cylon fighter ship is launched from it with three robotic CYLONS on board. The chrome CYLONS are entirely covered in six-pointed glints.) CYLON PILOT (barely intelligible robot voice) We, must, de, stroy, the, Bat, le, star, Ga, lac, ti, ca. USELESS SECOND CYLON Un, der, stood. USELESS THIRD CYLON Al, so, un, der, stood. (Stock footage of the Cylon fighter craft diving toward stock footage of the Battlestar Galactica. On board, STARBUCK [Dirk Benedict], APOLLO [Richard Hatch], and ENSIGN GREENBEAN [Ed Begley, Jr.] are playing space basketball on a six-foot-wide court while wearing nothing but bikini briefs and football shoulder pads.) STARBUCK How many centons have we been playing basketbalon? APOLLO Fifton centons and elevon nanons. ENSIGN GREENBEAN I like vegetablons, especially onionons. (The most evil person in the Universe, played by PATRICK MACNEE, is watching from the stands. He is wearing a white dress and a space bowler derby, carrying a space umbrella. His evil smile indicates that he is having trouble not giggling.) PATRICK MACNEE I shall destroy you all, Starbuck, Apollo, Greenbean! I am subordinate to no one! I am the ultimate force of the cosmos! (The camera cuts away just in time before he starts laughing from sheer embarassment.) (Same stock footage of the Cylon fighter approaching the same stock footage of the Galactica.) CYLON PILOT There, is, the Ga, lac, ti, ca. USELESS SECOND CYLON It, is, the, Ga, lac, ti, ca. USELESS THIRD CYLON Yes, the, Ga, lac, ti, ca. CYLON PILOT De, stroy, the, Ga, lac, ti, ca. (Stock footage of most of the Galactica being blown up by Cylons. Some of the stock footage shows more than one Cylon fighter, but nobody notices. Also in some shots the Galactica says "Pegasus" or "Valley Forge" on the side in big letters but nobody notices. The Galactica shakes as the Galacticans are playing space basketball.) STARBUCK What was that? APOLLO That sounded like a fivon tonon bombon hitting the space library section of this space ship! ENSIGN GREENBEAN Holy frack! (Stock footage of one Galactican Viper fighter taking off three times, with STARBUCK, APOLLO, and GREENBEAN on board. We can see their faces clearly because the insides of their space helmets are gaily decorated with strands of Christmas lights. In all shots on board Vipers, we only see the pilots from the left side with a starfield moving past as they are making a continual left turn past the camera.) LORNE GREENE (watching TV in a small cubicle somewhere else) All Vipers, fire at will. (There is a massive battle of stock footage between the three or seven Vipers and the one to nine Cylons. Eventually all the Cylons have been destroyed, always making exactly the same explosion.) APOLLO That's the last of them! STARBUCK Yee-haw! When we get back to the Galactica I'm gonna have a drink of space beeron! (There is an odd humming noise.) APOLLO What's that sound? ENSIGN GREENBEAN It's too loud! STARBUCK Everyone hold it, I'm picking up something big on my scanner... (He flips a switch marked "LEM JETTISON" and we see a Tektronix storage-tube cathode-ray tube slowly drawing a still picture of a two-dimensional outline of a triangle with the point facing upwards and a line going down the middle.) STARBUCK I've never seen anything this advanced. (The hum rises in pitch so much that it makes the screen go out of focus. A giant glowing white Christmas tree overtakes them from behind and everything goes white. STARBUCK and APOLLO find themselves on an all-white limbo set. Their uniforms have turned white for no reason. Several white-sequined-fabric-draped ROCKETTES IN WHITE VEILS are standing around motionlessly.) APOLLO Are we dead? STARBUCK I hope not... I was really looking forward to that space beeron. APOLLO Just like you to think of space beeron at a time like this... Hey, were's Ensign Greenbean? STARBUCK I don't know, but I think this glowing spaceship had something to do with it. FIRST ROCKETTE IN WHITE VEIL (dubbed by James Earl Jones) You are aboard the Christmas Tree Of Lights. SECOND ROCKETTE IN WHITE VEIL (dubbed by James Earl Jones) You have passed beyond what you know to another dimension beyond all comprehension. THIRD ROCKETTE IN WHITE VEIL (dubbed by James Earl Jones) Behold! (She gestures at a blank area of the white limbo set. Several all-black artificial Christmas trees appear. STARBUCK and APOLLO walk among the Christmas trees as the limbo set changes from black to white and back repeatedly as the picture alternates negative and positive to make the Christmas trees look even spookier.) STARBUCK I don't think I like this place. APOLLO The ancient records... referred to these trees as symbols of "Ex-mas". All other knowledge about Ex-mas was lost over a billion centons ago. STARBUCK Apollo, hush up, I think I see something over there. (PATRICK MACNEE strolls into frame from between the Christmas trees. His space bowler derby is changing from black to white and back as he tries not to laugh.) PATRICK MACNEE There are too many Christmas trees here. APOLLO Who are you? STARBUCK Yeah! And, what do you want? PATRICK MACNEE I have been sent here as punishment. This is the most unimaginable torture for me. STARBUCK Hey, didn't you used to be on a cool TV show? PATRICK MACNEE That was long ago. Now I am here in the capacity of the ultimate power of negative darkness, while wearing this dress. APOLLO But can you help us in our quest to find the lost planet Earth? PATRICK MACNEE Oh, that. It's on the other side of the Moon. Your planet is always on the exact opposite side of the Moon so that Earth cannot be seen. Now you must return to your ship. (Stock footage of the giant glowing Christmas tree flying away, as it sucks exhaust back into its engines. Stock footage of the Vipers travelling backwards to a large ship that says "ACITCALAG RATSELTTAB" on the side.) LORNE GREEN (dictating to his Tektronix oscilloscope) And so the Galactica's warriors returned triumphantly, with yet another subtle hint as to the location of the Earth. But the ever-present threat of Cylon attack remains. (Stock footage of a still picture of the Cylon base star. A CYLON warrior approaches the ninety-foot-high throne of the IMPERIOUS LEADER, who cannot be seen because there are too many six-pointed sparkles shimmering around him.) CYLON WARRIOR We, failed, to, de, stroy, the, Ga, lac, ti, ca. IMPERIOUS LEADER (voice of Patrick Macnee) Then we must destroy the Galactica. CYLON WARRIOR By, your, com, mand. (exits) (The CAMERA MOVES UPWARDS on a crane so that we get a better look at the IMPERIOUS LEADER. He is an extra-creepy SANTA CLAUS.) SANTA CLAUS (voice of Patrick Macnee) Ho! ... Ho! ... Ho! (CAMERA PULLS BACK from SANTA CLAUS to the stock footage of the Cylon base star, to a view of deep space, to a view of the whole Universe, and comes out of the black part of the pupil of the NURSE's eye. The padded cell has changed to all black, as has her uniform.) NURSE Now that "The Special Show" is over, you can open your present. (The NURSE holds a pretty package up to the TV camera's lens.) NURSE Go ahead, take it. Just reach into the TV screen and take it. (She waits for a moment.) NURSE You're not trying! Push against the glass harder! (Suddenly, a network of cracks appears in the picture. An area in the middle of the picture shatters away, revealing blackness behind. From an infinite distance, the extra-creepy SANTA CLAUS floats towards the hole until his face is seen in closeup.) SANTA CLAUS (voice of Patrick Macnee) Ho! ... Ho! ... Ho! And have a VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS! CUT TO: BLACK ANNOUNCER (V.O.) "The Special Show!" was partially funded by a generous grant from Hallmark. END