Seventh in a long series of television shows aimed at a very special audience.

Half a year later, I swear I don't remember writing this one at all.




                   THE SPECIAL SHOW!
                   =================
  
          EPISODE #7:  1999 CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
     
          (first broadcast December 25, 1999)


         Copyright (C) 1999 James "Kibo" Parry
            Todos los derechos reservados.


FADE IN:

(We are in the usual padded cell with white walls.
A NURSE in a white uniform is there, holding a small
white TV set.  She looks like a female version of
Ernest Borgnine.  In the corner is a Christmas tree
completely covered in white spray-on snow.)

    NURSE
    You've been a very good little mental
    patient this year.  Your reward is to
    watch the very special Christmas episode
    of "The Special Show!"

(She holds the little TV up to the camera lens so that
its picture fills the screen completely.  It shows
the revolving chrome logo of "The Special Show!")

    ANNOUNCER
    (Walter Winchell, voice-over)
    The! ... Special! ... Show!  And now,
    ladies and gentlemen... your host, Kibo!

CUT TO:

(KIBO and MARTHA STEWART are stringing popcorn garlands in
her living room.)

    KIBO
    Oh... hi there!  I didn't hear you come in!
    But, since you got out of your padded cell
    somehow, you might as well spend a very special
    Christmas with this special Christmas episode
    of "The Special Show!"  I'm afraid I can't be
    in this episode, because I'm busy having
    a happy holiday, but I assure you that this
    episode is a dilly of a doozy!  It kicks off
    with the Rockettes!

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD:  "The Radio City Music Hall Rockettes"

    ANNOUNCER
    (V.O.)
    Ladies and gentlemen... The Rockettes!

(Forty forty-year-old gals in fishnet tights are huddled together,
trying to hold as motionless as possible.  CAMERA PULLS BACK TO
REVEAL they are standing on a little platform precariously
balanced above a pit of razor-sharp spikes. Animated six-pointed
snowflake-shaped sparkly glints are blinking on the tips of the
spikes to indicate they are pointy yet Christmassy. The ROCKETTES
gamely hold still for a few moments, then the one on the right
begins to dance the Can-Can. The others gasp in horror as the
platform tilts.  They all fall off.)

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD:  "Yet Another Osmond Family Christmas"

    ANNOUNCER
    (V.O.)
    Ladies and gentlemen... Donnie and Marie!

(DONNIE and MARIE OSMOND are on stage, wearing festive yet
non-denominational Christmas sweaters, holding microphones
with tinsel garlands wrapped around the cords.  They smile and
animated six-pointed sparkly glints blink around their teeth.
They take deep breaths and are about to sing when the floor
collapses, dropping them into a meat grinder.  CAMERA PULLS BACK
TO REVEAL a SCIENTIST in a white lab coat turning the crank.
Ground meat comes out.  He puts the dish of ground meat under
a microscope and looks into the eyepiece.)

    SCIENTIST
    Five percent country... five percent rock
    and roll... and ninety percent filler!

(The KING OF SWEDEN enters.  The SCIENTIST doesn't look up.)

    KING OF SWEDEN
    You have just won the Nobel Prize for your work
    on comminuted celebrities!

(The SCIENTIST looks up.  A circle of shoe polish surrounds
his eye.  The KING OF SWEDEN laughs.)

    KING OF SWEDEN
    Ha, ha!  We tricked you!  We made up the idea of
    Nobel Prizes just to fool scientists into looking
    into microscopes so that we could smear shoe
    polish on the eyepieces!  You're a bozo!

    SCIENTIST
    I've wasted my life!  I should have been a
    pop singer!

(The SCIENTIST exits through a door that leads to the
same stage we just saw.  The floor is intact again.
Someone offscreen tosses him a microphone.)

    ANNOUNCER
    (V.O.)
    Ladies and gentlemen... a scientist!

    SCIENTIST
    (singing)
    What's new, pussycat... whoa-oh-oh...

(The floor collapses, but he remains suspended in mid-air.
He notices the hole beneath him.)

    SCIENTIST
    Ha!  I am immune to gravity because I no longer
    believe in science!

(The KING OF SWEDEN walks onto the stage.)

    KING OF SWEDEN
    Curse you for not believing in science...
    (screams as he falls into the hole)

    SCIENTIST
    From now on, I only believe in Santa Claus!

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD:  "The Adventures Of Santa Claus"

    ANNOUNCER
    (V.O.)
    The Adventures Of Santa Claus!

(A small BOY, wearing pajamas, is sitting on a living-room
couch, staring at the empty fireplace.  A Christmas tree,
an aquarium, and a TV set are in the background.)

    NEWSCASTER
    (on TV)
    The FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the DIA, the USIA,
    FEMA, and several other top-secret government
    agencies have announced that all citizens should
    be vigilant at all times because any package
    could be a bomb if you don't know what it is!

(SANTA drops into the fireplace, unhitching a rope and
carabiner from his harness.)

WIDE SHOT OF SANTA YELLING "HO! HO! HO!"

CLOSEUP OF SANTA YELLING "HO! HO! HO!"

EXTREME CLOSEUP OF SANTA YELLING "HO! HO! HO!"

EXTREMELY EXTREME CLOSEUP OF SANTA'S LEFT EYE AS
HE YELLS "HO! HO! HO!"

(SANTA reaches into his bag and tosses a small wrapped
gift to the boy.)

    NEWSCASTER
    (on TV)
    If you don't know what it is, it COULD be
    a bomb!  Especially if it has no return address!

(The BOY screams and tosses the box into the aquarium.
It sinks rapidly, because it has air holes punched into
the sides and lid.  Meowing noises come from it before
it sinks.)

    BOY
    Santa, I reject you and your gift because it
    COULD have been a bomb!

    SANTA
    Okay, kid, try this!

WIDE SHOT OF SANTA YELLING "HO!"

CLOSEUP OF SANTA YELLING "HO!"

EXTREME CLOSEUP OF SANTA YELLING "HO!"

EXTREMELY EXTREME CLOSEUP OF SANTA'S LEFT EYE AS
HE YELLS "HO!"

MICROSCOPIC CLOSEUP OF SANTA'S EYE'S PUPIL AS
HE YELLS "HO!"

(SANTA reaches into his bag and tosses a round black
bomb, with a burning fuse, to the BOY.)

    NEWSCASTER
    (on TV)
    If you don't know what it is, it COULD be
    a bomb!

    BOY
    Hey!  I know what this is!  That means
    it's safe!

(The bomb explodes.  SANTA is blasted back into the
fireplace and up the chimney.  He hops into his sleigh
and goes to the next house.  They are a young couple
who just happen have the same living room, slightly
rearranged.)

    SANTA
    Merry Christmas!

    MAN
    But we aren't Christian!

    WOMAN
    (pointing at the top of the tree)
    See?

(SANTA looks, and sees an upside-down five-pointed
star on the top of the tree.  Also, the tree has
a banner which says "HAIL SATAN!")

    MAN AND WOMAN
    (together, perkily)
    We're Satanists!

    SANTA
    That's okay!  Santa is prepared!

(SANTA opens his sack wide and SATAN steps out,
wearing a similar red furry costume.  Except in
his case it's not really a costume, just his fur.
SATAN reaches into his own sack and tosses the
MAN and WOMAN a pair of still-beating hearts.)

    MAN AND WOMAN
    (together)
    Yay!  This is the best Evil Satanic
    Anti-Christmas ever!

(SANTA holds his bag open and SATAN hops back in.
SANTA smiles and winks and beams out, "Star Trek"-style.
He rematerializes in his sleigh and heads for another
home.  It has a third copy of the same living room
with the furniture slightly rearranged.  SUPERMAN
is hanging ornaments on his tree.)

    SANTA
    Ho ho ho!  Merry Christmas, Superman!

    SUPERMAN
    I'm happy I chose to stop fighting crime
    tonight so that I could be here to receive
    your valuable presents!

    SANTA
    Why... Superman... that's wrong!  You're
    a naughty Superman!  Here is your Christmas
    present...

(SANTA reaches into his sack and hands SUPERMAN
a big lump of coal.  SUPERMAN squeezes it.  It glows
and turns into the world's largest diamond.  Six-pointed
sparkles blink around it.)

    SUPERMAN
    Why, thank you, Santa!

    SANTA
    Superman... I hate you!

(SANTA takes a swing at SUPERMAN.  SUPERMAN slugs
SANTA in the gut.  They fight.  SANTA is winning.
At the end of the fight, SUPERMAN is lying on the
floor and SANTA is jumping up and down on him.)

    SANTA
    Hmm... I wonder what other superheroes
    are up to?

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD:  "Einstein meets Batman"

    ANNOUNCER
    (V.O.)
    Einstein meets Batman!

(ALBERT EINSTEIN is walking down a city street.)

    EINSTEIN
    (singing to himself)
    La, la, la... doobie doobie doo...

(A local PERSON runs up to him, kicks him in the
crotch, and runs away.)

    EINSTEIN
    Ow!  That hurt!  Someone just kicked
    me in the crotch!

(He resumes walking and singing, but a second PERSON
kicks him in the crotch and runs away.)

    EINSTEIN
    Hey!  People are kicking me
    in the crotch!

(Two more PEOPLE run into the frame.  The one on the
left kicks him in the crotch.  The one on the right
kicks him in the crotch.)

    EINSTEIN
    People keep kicking me in the crotch!
    They must have some reason!  I need to
    find out what it is!  Help me, Batman!

(BATMAN drops into frame as he swings in on his
Bat-rope.  He strikes a heroic pose next to
Einstein, facing directly into the camera.)

    BATMAN
    Albert Einstein, do you require my
    assistance?

    EINSTEIN
    Batman, people keep kicking me in
    the crotch!  What do you suggest I do?

    BATMAN
    I suggest you figure out how to stop
    them from kicking you in the crotch!

(BATMAN exits.)

    EINSTEIN
    Gosh!  That advice might work, if only
    I can figure out how to stop people from
    kicking me in the crotch!

(CAMERA ZOOMS IN to a close-up of Einstein's face
as he thinks for a few seconds.  A light bulb appears
over his head, surrounded by blinking six-point sparkles.)

    EINSTEIN
    Eureka!

CUT TO:

(EINSTEIN is strolling down the street, singing happily
to himself.  He is wearing jointed steel pants made of
half-inch-thick plates of armor.)

    EINSTEIN
    La, la, la, la dee da...

(A PERSON runs up to him and kicks him in the crotch.
It goes "Bong!"  Einstein doesn't even feel it.)

    EINSTEIN
    Ha, ha, ha!  My crotch is impervious to your foot!

(The PERSON kicks him several more times, but EINSTEIN
just laughs.  A couple more PEOPLE enter and kick him
for a while.  They give up and trudge away, disappointed.)

    EINSTEIN
    Ha, ha, ha!  I am so happy I invented armored
    pants that cannot be kicked in the crotch!

(BILL GATES enters.)

    BILL GATES
    Albert Einstein, I am Bill Gates and I have
    patented the idea of not getting kicked in the
    crotch!  Therefore, your pants have been nullified!

(EINSTEIN'S pants disappear, revealing boxer shorts
with a snowflake-print pattern.  BILL GATES kicks him
in the crotch)

    BILL GATES
    HA!!! HA!!! HA!!!

    EINSTEIN
    Waah!  I don't like being forced to
    feel pain when people successfully kick me
    in the crotch!

    BILL GATES
    Kick you later, Einstein!  HA!!! HA!!!

(BILL GATES exists as BATMAN enters again.)

    EINSTEIN
    Batman, they're still kicking me
    in the crotch!

    BATMAN
    Who is kicking you in the crotch?

    EINSTEIN
    Everyone!  Everyone is kicking me
    in the crotch!

(CAMERA ZOOMS IN on BATMAN's face as he thinks about
that.  A sparkly light bulb appears above his head.
He kicks EINSTEIN in the crotch.)

    BATMAN
    I'm sorry, old chum, but you said
    EVERYONE kicks you in the crotch.

(ROBIN enters.)

    ROBIN
    Batman, may I please help kick Einstein
    in the crotch?

    BATMAN
    Yes, Robin, provided you've done your
    civics homework.

    ROBIN
    Oh boy!  Crotch-kicking!

(They kick him in the crotch some more.  While EINSTEIN
is doubled over in pain, BATMAN shoves him to the left.
EINSTEIN falls off the edge of the set.  He falls a
great distance, into what appears to be an enormous taco.
CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal it is a normal-size taco
in the hands of THE INCREDIBLE HULK.)

    HULK
    Mmm... Hulk like tacos!

(The HULK slowly moves it towards his open mouth.
But he accidentally crushes the taco to bits in his
burly fist before it gets there.)

    HULK
    Rrr... Hulk smash taco because Hulk stupid!

(SPIDER-MAN dances into view wearing his shiny red
plaid spandex leotard.  He twirls around as he dances.
HULK grabs him and kisses him.  Web fluid shoots out
of SPIDER-MAN's wrist.)

    HULK
    Mmm... better than taco!

(High above, BATMAN and ROBIN have been watching.)

    ROBIN
    Batman, is the Hulk gay?

    BATMAN
    No, Robin.  He's just very stupid.

    ROBIN
    Holy "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," Batman!

    BATMAN
    Yes... Robin... Don't ask... Don't tell...
    indeed.  I wonder... what our old friend...
    Superman... is up to... right now.

CUT TO:

(A small dormitory bedroom.  A SHORT BALD MAN is sitting
cross-legged on his bed surrounded by comic books.  There
is a mosquito net over his bed.  In the background there
is a small, neglected Christmas tree turning brown.
The SHORT BALD MAN is engrossed in a "Lois Lane, Girl Reporter"
comic book.)

    SHORT BALD MAN
    Oh, Lois Lane, you are so hot!

(SUPERMAN jumps into the room through the window.)

    SUPERMAN
    Stop fantasizing about my girlfriend, you creep!

    SHORT BALD MAN
    What're you going to do about it?  You're not
    real, you're just a comic-book character!

(SUPERMAN reaches in through the mosquito netting and
puts his hands on both sides of the SHORT BALD MAN's
head.  He squeezes and the head turns into a small
diamond, still attached to the man's shoulders.  He
runs around the room in circles waving his arms, trying
to scream, but no sound comes out of his mouthless
faceted head.)

    SUPERMAN
    That'll teach you to use your imagination!

(SUPERMAN pushes the Christmas tree over and exits
by walking through a wall, destroying Da Vinci's
"The Last Supper" which is hanging there.)

CUT TO:

(In the local police station, a DESK SARGEANT is leaning
forwards to talk to someone who is even shorter than
he used to be.)

    DESK SARGEANT
    You say Superman crushed your head until
    it turned into a diamond?

    SHORT BALD DIAMOND-HEADED MAN
    Mmmpf!  Mmmmmmpf!

    DESK SARGEANT
    That's ridiculous.

(In the background, through the open door, we see
Einstein run past, screaming.  Batman and Robin are
running after him.)

    DESK SARGEANT
    Tell you what, come back when you stop having
    this delusion that your head is a diamond and
    then you can tell us about how Superman turned
    your head into a diamond.

(The floor collapses beneath them and everyone falls
into the top of a meat grinder, including BATMAN, ROBIN,
EINSTEIN, SUPERMAN, the HULK, the DESK SARGEANT,
the SHORT BALD DIAMOND-HEADED MAN, SPIDER-MAN,
BILL GATES, SANTA, SATAN, and assorted PEOPLE.
The floor collapses beneath the grinder and it falls
into the pit of spikes, landing on the ROCKETTES.
The bottom of the pit collapses, dropping everything
out into the blackness of outer space.  All we see
is a starfield.  A six-sided, snowflake-shaped space
station slowly rises into view from below.  It is a
Cylon base ship.  A Cylon fighter ship is launched from
it with three robotic CYLONS on board.  The chrome
CYLONS are entirely covered in six-pointed glints.)

    CYLON PILOT
    (barely intelligible robot voice)
    We, must, de, stroy, the, Bat, le, star,
    Ga, lac, ti, ca.

    USELESS SECOND CYLON
    Un, der, stood.

    USELESS THIRD CYLON
    Al, so, un, der, stood.

(Stock footage of the Cylon fighter craft diving toward
stock footage of the Battlestar Galactica.  On board,
STARBUCK [Dirk Benedict], APOLLO [Richard Hatch], and
ENSIGN GREENBEAN [Ed Begley, Jr.] are playing space
basketball on a six-foot-wide court while wearing
nothing but bikini briefs and football shoulder pads.)

    STARBUCK
    How many centons have we been playing basketbalon?

    APOLLO
    Fifton centons and elevon nanons.

    ENSIGN GREENBEAN
    I like vegetablons, especially onionons.

(The most evil person in the Universe, played by PATRICK MACNEE,
is watching from the stands.  He is wearing a white dress and
a space bowler derby, carrying a space umbrella.  His evil
smile indicates that he is having trouble not giggling.)

    PATRICK MACNEE
    I shall destroy you all, Starbuck, Apollo, Greenbean!
    I am subordinate to no one!  I am the ultimate force
    of the cosmos!

(The camera cuts away just in time before he starts
laughing from sheer embarassment.)

(Same stock footage of the Cylon fighter approaching the
same stock footage of the Galactica.)

    CYLON PILOT
    There, is, the Ga, lac, ti, ca.

    USELESS SECOND CYLON
    It, is, the, Ga, lac, ti, ca.

    USELESS THIRD CYLON
    Yes, the, Ga, lac, ti, ca.

    CYLON PILOT
    De, stroy, the, Ga, lac, ti, ca.

(Stock footage of most of the Galactica being blown up
by Cylons.  Some of the stock footage shows more than
one Cylon fighter, but nobody notices.  Also in some shots
the Galactica says "Pegasus" or "Valley Forge" on the side
in big letters but nobody notices.  The Galactica shakes
as the Galacticans are playing space basketball.)

    STARBUCK
    What was that?

    APOLLO
    That sounded like a fivon tonon bombon hitting
    the space library section of this space ship!

    ENSIGN GREENBEAN
    Holy frack!

(Stock footage of one Galactican Viper fighter taking off
three times, with STARBUCK, APOLLO, and GREENBEAN on
board.  We can see their faces clearly because the insides
of their space helmets are gaily decorated with strands
of Christmas lights.  In all shots on board Vipers, we
only see the pilots from the left side with a starfield
moving past as they are making a continual left turn past
the camera.)

    LORNE GREENE
    (watching TV in a small cubicle somewhere else)
    All Vipers, fire at will.

(There is a massive battle of stock footage between
the three or seven Vipers and the one to nine Cylons.
Eventually all the Cylons have been destroyed, always
making exactly the same explosion.)

    APOLLO
    That's the last of them!

    STARBUCK
    Yee-haw!  When we get back to the Galactica
    I'm gonna have a drink of space beeron!

(There is an odd humming noise.)

    APOLLO
    What's that sound?

    ENSIGN GREENBEAN
    It's too loud!

    STARBUCK
    Everyone hold it, I'm picking up something
    big on my scanner...

(He flips a switch marked "LEM JETTISON" and we see
a Tektronix storage-tube cathode-ray tube slowly
drawing a still picture of a two-dimensional outline
of a triangle with the point facing upwards and a
line going down the middle.)

    STARBUCK
    I've never seen anything this advanced.

(The hum rises in pitch so much that it makes the
screen go out of focus.  A giant glowing white
Christmas tree overtakes them from behind and
everything goes white.  STARBUCK and APOLLO find
themselves on an all-white limbo set.  Their uniforms
have turned white for no reason.  Several
white-sequined-fabric-draped ROCKETTES IN WHITE VEILS
are standing around motionlessly.)

    APOLLO
    Are we dead?

    STARBUCK
    I hope not... I was really looking
    forward to that space beeron.

    APOLLO
    Just like you to think of space beeron
    at a time like this... Hey, were's
    Ensign Greenbean?

    STARBUCK
    I don't know, but I think this glowing
    spaceship had something to do with it.

    FIRST ROCKETTE IN WHITE VEIL
    (dubbed by James Earl Jones)
    You are aboard the Christmas Tree Of Lights.

    SECOND ROCKETTE IN WHITE VEIL
    (dubbed by James Earl Jones)
    You have passed beyond what you know to
    another dimension beyond all comprehension.

    THIRD ROCKETTE IN WHITE VEIL
    (dubbed by James Earl Jones)
    Behold!

(She gestures at a blank area of the white limbo set.
Several all-black artificial Christmas trees appear.
STARBUCK and APOLLO walk among the Christmas trees
as the limbo set changes from black to white and back
repeatedly as the picture alternates negative and
positive to make the Christmas trees look even spookier.)

    STARBUCK
    I don't think I like this place.

    APOLLO
    The ancient records... referred to these
    trees as symbols of "Ex-mas".  All other
    knowledge about Ex-mas was lost over a
    billion centons ago.

    STARBUCK
    Apollo, hush up, I think I see something
    over there.

(PATRICK MACNEE strolls into frame from between the
Christmas trees.  His space bowler derby is changing
from black to white and back as he tries not to laugh.)

    PATRICK MACNEE
    There are too many Christmas trees here.

    APOLLO
    Who are you?

    STARBUCK
    Yeah!  And, what do you want?

    PATRICK MACNEE
    I have been sent here as punishment.
    This is the most unimaginable torture for me.

    STARBUCK
    Hey, didn't you used to be on a cool TV show?

    PATRICK MACNEE
    That was long ago.  Now I am here in the
    capacity of the ultimate power of negative
    darkness, while wearing this dress.

    APOLLO
    But can you help us in our quest to find
    the lost planet Earth?

    PATRICK MACNEE
    Oh, that.  It's on the other side of the Moon.
    Your planet is always on the exact opposite side
    of the Moon so that Earth cannot be seen.
    Now you must return to your ship.

(Stock footage of the giant glowing Christmas tree
flying away, as it sucks exhaust back into its engines.
Stock footage of the Vipers travelling backwards to
a large ship that says "ACITCALAG RATSELTTAB" on
the side.)

    LORNE GREEN
    (dictating to his Tektronix oscilloscope)
    And so the Galactica's warriors returned
    triumphantly, with yet another subtle hint
    as to the location of the Earth.  But the
    ever-present threat of Cylon attack remains.

(Stock footage of a still picture of the Cylon
base star.  A CYLON warrior approaches the
ninety-foot-high throne of the IMPERIOUS LEADER,
who cannot be seen because there are too many
six-pointed sparkles shimmering around him.)

    CYLON WARRIOR
    We, failed, to, de, stroy, the, Ga, lac,
    ti, ca.

    IMPERIOUS LEADER
    (voice of Patrick Macnee)
    Then we must destroy the Galactica.

    CYLON WARRIOR
    By, your, com, mand.  (exits)

(The CAMERA MOVES UPWARDS on a crane so that
we get a better look at the IMPERIOUS LEADER.
He is an extra-creepy SANTA CLAUS.)

    SANTA CLAUS
    (voice of Patrick Macnee)
    Ho! ... Ho! ... Ho!

(CAMERA PULLS BACK from SANTA CLAUS to the stock
footage of the Cylon base star, to a view of deep
space, to a view of the whole Universe, and comes
out of the black part of the pupil of the NURSE's
eye.  The padded cell has changed to all black,
as has her uniform.)

    NURSE
    Now that "The Special Show" is over,
    you can open your present.

(The NURSE holds a pretty package up to the TV
camera's lens.)

    NURSE
    Go ahead, take it.  Just reach into the
    TV screen and take it.

(She waits for a moment.)

    NURSE
    You're not trying!  Push against the glass
    harder!

(Suddenly, a network of cracks appears in the picture.
An area in the middle of the picture shatters away,
revealing blackness behind.  From an infinite distance,
the extra-creepy SANTA CLAUS floats towards the hole
until his face is seen in closeup.)

    SANTA CLAUS
    (voice of Patrick Macnee)
    Ho! ... Ho! ... Ho!  And have a
    VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS!

CUT TO:  BLACK

    ANNOUNCER
    (V.O.)
    "The Special Show!" was partially funded
    by a generous grant from Hallmark.

END
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