Eighth (I think) in a long series of television shows aimed at a very special audience.
From: James "Kibo" Parry (firstname.lastname@example.org) Subject: The Special Show! Halloween episode Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 31 Oct 2001 04:52:30 -0500 Because I felt that ongoing events were disturbing enough to warrant realistic depiction in "The Special Show", and because I wanted to break in my new keyboard, I wrote this just now. There are probably all sorts of things wrong with it, besides the fact that it exists. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Kibo presents ------------------------- THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!! ------------------------- for October 31, 2001 (C) Copyright 2001 James "Kibo" Parry (KIBO, dressed normally, walks out onto a stage in front of the closed curtain. The unseen studio audience cheers.) KIBO Ladies and gentlemen, in light of the horrible terrorist attacks in New York and Washington and all those people being mailed anthrax, it would be in very poor taste of me not to warn you that tonight's episode is all about those things. Now, I want to emphasize that you in the studio audience are in no danger, and although we are presenting a sketch about a gas attack a little later in the show, we are only pretending. Do not panic. When there is a surprise gas attack, please remain calm and remember that it is not real. (At the start of that speech, several FIREMEN in black-and-yellow-striped turnout coats take position behind KIBO, in front of the curtain. Some are brandishing crash axes and others are pointing fire hoses at the audience. After the FIREMEN, as KIBO continues to talk, several SOLDIERS enter, pointing rifles with bayonets and laser sights towards the audience. Then several members of a HAZMAT TEAM enter in variously-colored plastic suits enter, waving Geiger counters, followed by some FBI AGENTS holding up oversized badges. Finally, a few ROMAN CENTURIONS join them, holding bronze swords. KIBO continues:) KIBO So remember, remain calm during the sketch about the gas attack. There is nothing to fear and you will be protected from the pretend surprise gas attack. Remember, not real. And now... the gas attack sketch. (Music: drum roll) (Everyone steps aside and the curtain goes up. A FAT GUY is standing alone on the stage. He farts.) (Music: "ta-da!") (The curtain falls. KIBO returns to the front of the stage, followed by some of the HAZMAT guys and FIREMEN and so on.) KIBO Wait, stop the show, this is all wrong. (To the HAZMAT people) I don't know why I let you guys talk me into this. "The Special Show" isn't supposed to be all predictable and tame, like "Saturday Night Live." It was created as an important psychological therapy tool for mental patients, not intended for a general audience of normal people. You guys are making the show all ordinary, get out of here. (As the HAZMAT people start to leave, KIBO points at a guy in a yellow plastic suit.) KIBO Wait, you -- I want your suit. (YELLOW HAZMAT GUY starts disrobing while KIBO taps his foot impatiently.) NARRATOR (voiceover) The! Special! Show! (CUT TO:) (Opening titles. A flashy computer-animated logo for "THE SPECIAL SHOW!" is flying through space. It descends towards the Earth. It zooms along a city street, knocking people over and bonking them on the head. It smashes into a supermarket through a plate glass window.) (CUT TO:) (Beautifully-sketched storyboard panels showing the logo knocking things off supermarket shelves.) NARRATOR (voiceover) Then the logo goes into a supermarket and picks up all the jars of spaghetti sauce and throws them to the floor and dances on them and spits on the corn flakes. (CUT TO:) (A white card with a crudely-drawn rectangle with the words "TITLE SEQUENCE CONTINUED" scrawled across it.) NARRATOR (voiceover) Then the logo goes up your ass and explodes! (CUT TO:) (Explosion. Screen goes black. Hold black for a moment. Text starts slowly moving up the screen as the NARRATOR reads it:) NARRATOR (voiceover) Due to the nature of tonight's combination terrorist-themed and Halloween-themed episode, the psychiatrist who prescribed this episode may have suggested you avert your eyes during the scary parts. To assist you in doing so, before anything truly scary we will sound the Horror Horn -- (Sound effect: Air horn honks three times, very loud) NARRATOR (voiceover) -- and we will show the Fright Flasher -- (A brilliant red strobe light flashes violently for two seconds, then back to the text scrolling up the black screen) NARRATOR Thus, if you have been told to avoid the scary parts, when you hear the Horror Horn and see the Fright Flasher, cover your eyes. If your psychiatrist has not given you any such instructions, feel free to pay extra attention after the Horror Horn and Fright Flasher. Thank you. (CUT TO:) (KIBO in the yellow hazmat suit, rolling around on the stage floor as he tries to zip up the back of the suit by himself.) KIBO Damn zipper! Why can't they make it easier to survive chemical warfare? (CAMERA TILTS UP to the ceiling and rises through it, into the sky. It tumbles through the clouds.) (FADE TO WHITE.) (DISSOLVE TO:) (We are looking through an old-fashioned window. Through it, we witness the sinking of the Titanic. Oddly, the Titanic is black and white but the window is in color. A cloud of bright yellow gas drifts into view just outside the window. A World War I British SOLDIER pops up from below outside of the window the window and yells "Gas! Gas! Gas!" and puts on an old-fashioned leather gas mask. A bayonet from offscreen stabs him and he dies. A hand reaches into frame and pulls down a windowshade. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that a snappily-dressed Titanic-era PSYCHIATRIST [Robert Colbert] and his young ASSISTANT [James Darren] are in an elegant old wood-paneled science lab. There is a crib across the room.) PSYCHIATRIST Our first experimental subject is this convenient baby, named Little Albert. Give him the kitty. (The ASSISTANT puts a white kitten in LITTLE ALBERT's crib.) LITTLE ALBERT (petting the kitty) Ooo, fuzzy! PSYCHIATRIST Now, while I fire this starter's pistol in his ear, you take this cattle prod and whomp him over the head with it. ("Batman"-style full-screen animated sound effects accompanied by trumpet bleats: "BANG!" "WHOMP!" "ZAP!") LITTLE ALBERT Waah! PSYCHIATRIST Now, re-introduce the kitten. (The ASSISTANT retrieves the kitten from the far end of the cage and drops it in LITTLE ALBERT's lap.) LITTLE ALBERT (terrified of kitty) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! PSYCHIATRIST We have now successfully conditioned Little Albert. Now let's test the generalization effect. Put on the angora sweater. (The ASSISTANT pulls on a white angora sweater.) LITTLE ALBERT (terrified of sweater) Waaaaaaah! It's all white and fluffy! (DISSOLVE TO:) (Black screen with colored sparkles flying through space. Creepy music plays. Weird-looking lettering slides onto the screen, facing the wrong way, and then flips around to read: "THE PRESENT DAY".) (DISSOLVE TO:) (We are looking at an austere, modern white television set against a white wall. It shows a NEWSCASTER.) NEWSCASTER The Post Office has announced that every citizen will be mailed a postcard warning them about the anthrax scare. Of course, because anthrax has been mailed through the same post offices, there is a small but important chance that all these postcards are contaminated with anthrax. To be safe, do not touch anything, and have your local hazmat team open all your mail. (The screen shows stock footage of people in bright yellow hazmat suits sponging each other down while standing in a wading pool with pictures of Scooby-Doo printed on it.) NEWSCASTER (voiceover) Here we see a brave hazmat team dealing with the reality of anthrax. (A hand reaches into frame and turns off the TV. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal the same PSYCHIATRIST and ASSISTANT, now much older, wearing white lab coats in a white-walled mental asylum.) PSYCHIATRIST Our new patient is this man, named Big Albert. He apparently experienced some childhood trauma. (CAMERA PANS to reveal Albert Einstein, with wild gray hair, strapped into a straitjacket and tied to a chair.) EINSTEIN Take it away! Take it away! (CAMERA PANS FURTHER to reveal he is seated across from SANTA CLAUS, who is also strapped into a straitjacket and tied to a chair.) EINSTEIN (terrified of the white beard) Waah! It's all white and fluffy! SANTA Ho, ho, ho! EINSTEIN Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! PSYCHIATRIST I'll sedate him now. (The PSYCHIATRIST injects him with something.) ASSISTANT Doctor, you forgot that sedatives have the opposite effect on geniuses! (EINSTEIN grunts and rips his arms free of the straitjacket and pulls it off.) EINSTEIN Now I can do something I've wanted to do for a long time! (EINSTEIN scratches his head and a big cloud of dandruff billows out, settling on the floor.) ASSISTANT Oh no! An unidentified powdery substance! PSYCHIATRIST It's all white and fluffy! Waaaaaaah! (EINSTEIN smiles. On the screen of the TV -- which is still turned off -- a life-size head shot of our host KIBO appears, wearing a yellow plastic hazmat suit. He climbs out of the TV into the room.) KIBO (to PSYCHIATRIST) Don't just stand there! Do something about that unidentified white powder! PSYCHIATRIST I can't clean up that white powder because my hazmat suit is all crinkly and uncomfortable. KIBO That's why you need one of these, the new Tychem Saranex encapsulation suit, now with improved fabric softness! Good luck! (KIBO steps back.) ASSISTANT The world could be destroyed if we don't do something! PSYCHIATRIST I will attempt to examine the unexamined white powder without a hazmat suit. (He bends down with his face very close to it, and waves a handheld anthrax detector over it. It crackles.) PSYCHIATRIST That's not anthrax... (Suddenly the PSYCHIATRIST and ASSISTANT lunge forward and start scooping up handfuls of the powder and eating them. KIBO steps forward, holding up a brightly-colored consumer product package marked "That's Not Anthrax!") KIBO Yes, it's That's Not Anthrax, America's favorite anthrax helper! When you don't have any anthrax but want exactly the same effects, use That's Not Anthrax, a patented mix of talcum powder, flower, vanilla pudding mix, crushed breath mints, and Albert Einstein's dandruff. Try some today! (Two FBI AGENTS enter and grab EINSTEIN.) FIRST FBI AGENT Albert Einstein, you're under arrest for having anthrax in your hair. EINSTEIN But... That's Not Anthrax! SECOND FBI AGENT Then you're under arrest for not having anthrax in your hair. (They drag him out as they EXIT. SANTA resumes laughing. The PSYCHIATRIST and ASSISTANT are licking their fingers.) KIBO (pulling off his hazmat suit's hood) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this unusually special episode of "The Special Show". Tonight for your entertainment we present a mixture of documentaries and zany skits. But first, a propaganda film. (CUT TO:) (A CONSUMER is in his living room.) CONSUMER Gosh, I would like a gumball right now. (He goes to the kitchen, where the sink's faucet spigot is about two feet in diameter. He turns the tap and a red gumball two feet across comes out.) CONSUMER I'm tired of only having access to certain gumballs at specific times. ("T" drops out of the spigot. T is a midget wearing a glossy black rubber wetsuit, with a black rubber TV set covering his head. On the front of the TV mask are four eyeholes that are shaped like the letters "TiVo".) T You need a TiVo! With TiVo, you can have all the gumballs in the world, all the time! (The walls burst and thousands of giant gumballs pour in.) CONSUMER Wow! Now I have the freedom to choose! (T is neck-deep in the rising gumballs.) T I am the omniscient TiVo powered by Genux-B, and I am answering your need for more gumballs! (T goes under. The gumballs are about to bury the CONSUMER.) CONSUMER Uh oh, I am being suffocated by freedom of choice! (The room completely fills floor to ceiling with gumballs. Their clattering is deafening. We hear the house's structure groaning as the gumballs pack in tightly.) (CUT TO:) (House bursting, gumballs rolling away from an ever-growing pile.) (Woman running down the street screaming as a horde of gumballs roll after her.) (Man playing paintball is hit in the arm with a paint pellet. He shrugs it off and aims his rifle. Then a two-foot-wide gumball conks him on the head.) (The Earth in space. Tiny brightly colored dots representing gumballs spread across all the land masses, with a clattering noise. A moment's pause, then suddenly, with a loud scrunch, they fill up the oceans too. The Earth hesitates, shudders, and explodes in a huge burst of multicolored specks. The crepy music returns as the multiclored specks shoot past. A GUY IN A DIAPER floats into view. Reversed lettering appears, then flips around to read "THE TIME DIAPER".) ANNOUNCER (very loud voiceover) The Time Diaper! ... In Color! (DISSOLVE TO:) (The Middle Ages. Some knights are jousting. The GUY IN A DIAPER falls out of the sky.) KNIGHT Forsooth, verily ye hast fallen from the sky! GUY IN A DIAPER That's because I am a time traveller! KNIGHT But why dost thou wear a diaper? GUY IN A DIAPER Because it is The Time Diaper! KNIGHT Dost thine diaper allow the to travel through time? GUY IN A DIAPER Yes, but I can't control when it -- (He vanishes with a loud "Pop!") (CUT TO:) (GUY IN A DIAPER floating through multicolored specks again.) (DISSOLVE TO:) (The French Revolution. Stock footage of the Bastille being stormed. We see THE MARQUIS OF SOMETHING standing by himself waving a flag. The GUY IN A DIAPER falls out of the sky.) MARQUIS OF SOMETHING Zut alors! You have fallen from zee sky! GUY IN A DIAPER That's because I am a time traveller! MARQUIS OF SOMETHING But why do you wear that bourgeois diaper? GUY IN A DIAPER Because it is The Time Diaper! MARQUIS OF SOMETHING Your diaper makes you travel through zee time? GUY IN A DIAPER Yes, but I can't control when it -- (He vanishes with a loud "Pop!") (CUT TO:) (GUY IN A DIAPER floating through multicolored specks again.) (DISSOLVE TO:) (The distant future. It is represented by a room wallpapered with tinfoil, and blinking Christmas lights everywhere. A strobe light is mounted inside a clar plastic Jell-O mold. A FUTURISTIC GUY with his face covered in silver greasepaint is there. The GUY IN A DIAPER falls out of the sky.) FUTURISTIC GUY Nano-nano! You have fallen out of the space sky! GUY IN A DIAPER That's because I am a time traveller! FUTURISTIC GUY Shazbot! Buy why do you wear that space diaper? GUY IN A DIAPER Because it is The Time Diaper! FUTURISTIC GUY Felgerkarb! Your space diaper makes you travel through space time? GUY IN A DIAPER Yes, but I can't control when it -- (Just the diaper vanishes with a loud "Pop!" The guy is now naked except for a little sign reading "Sorry, this IS the twist ending.") FUTURISTIC GUY Your primitive Earth comedy fails to amuse me. (Hundreds of giant gumballs fall on the FUTURISTIC GUY, followed by a ton of white powder, and then a little white kitten runs in and bites him on the nose.) GUY IN A DIAPER Now THAT'S comedy! (With a loud "Sproing!", his diaper reappears.) FUTURISTIC GUY What in the nine galaxies is happening? GUY IN A DIAPER Oh no! It's a Time Diaper Overload! (The diaper starts disappearing and reappearing once per second, "Pop! Sproing! Pop! Sproing!", and so on. It begins to glow.) GUY IN A DIAPER Everybody, get clear of my diaper! (The FUTURISTIC GUY runs out of frame, and the MARQUIS and KNIGHT and some CAVEMEN and a PIRATE and a GUY IN A GORILLA SUIT and FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER and SHERLOCK HOLMES all run across the screen in the same direction.) (CUT TO:) (Interior of a tiny, dimly-lit, rusty corrugated steel shack. All those people are jammed inside.) FUTURISTIC GUY Shazbot! PIRATE You already said that, arrrr! PARROT (on his shoulder) Shazbot! Shazbot! PIRATE Now look what you made him do! FUTURISTIC GUY I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking because I had to run away from the glowing diaper! (Someone opens the shack's creaky door from the outside. It is EINSTEIN.) EINSTEIN Hey, can I come in? KNIGHT Thou hast weird hair! CAVEMAN Har har, his hair big and funny! FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER Rrrrrr! Rat's nest! (They all laugh.) FUTURISTIC GUY Now go away or we'll sic Santa on you! (EINSTEIN screams and runs away. He runs through fields of wheat and corn and rice and sees the JOLLY GREEN GIANT.) JOLLY GREEN GIANT (bending down so Einstein can see what's in his hand) Hey, Einstein, look what I've got! (The GIANT opens his hand and inside is JON VOIGHT, who is holding some disgusting-looking brown wads.) JON VOIGHT Want some chocolate-covered cotton? Outside it's rich and chocolatey, inside it's all white and fuzzy! (EINSTEIN screams and runs away again. He re-enters the insane asylum. The PSYCHIATRIST and his ASSISTANT are still there.) EINSTEIN Please, please, please give me massive electroshock therapy for my own good! PSYCHIATRIST Now that's the first sensible thing you've said all day! ASSISTANT Doctor, it's time to check on your other patient. PSYCHIATRIST Very well. Einstein, there's an electroshock machine in that cabinet. Shock yourself silly. EINSTEIN Oh boy! (The PSYCHIATRIST and ASSISTANT leave the room. They go into an adjacent padded cell. LOUIS WAIN is there, painting on a canvas that faces away from us.) PSYCHIATRIST Good morning. Do you remember your name? LOUIS WAIN Yes, I am Louis Wain. PSYCHIATRIST And what are you painting? LOUIS WAIN It's a cat. PSYCHIATRIST I... see. Or... (very loudly) do I? (He abruptly grabs the painting off the easel and flips it around so we can see it. On the canvas is a painting of a psychedelic ball of orange and green flame covered with eyes and fangs.) ASSISTANT That doesn't look anything like a cat. PSYCHIATRIST That's why he's obviously insane. (The PSYCHIATRIST throws the painting on the floor. PSYCHIATRIST and ASSISTANT exit, stepping on the painting. LOUIS WAIN looks down at the ruined painting. Several psychedelic balls of orange and green flame enter and look at it too.) FIRST BURNING PSYCHO CAT Don't worry. We'll get them. SECOND BURNING PSYCHO CAT We'll get them good. THIRD BURNING PSYCHO CAT Meow. (EINSTEIN peers in through the window into this room.) EINSTEIN What do you know, I'm not afraid of kitties any more! (CUT TO:) (Generic big city skyline with fireworks going off above it. "Stars And Stripes Forever" plays at ten million decibels.) NARRATOR (voiceover) Meanwhile, in New York City -- (CAMERA SWISH-PANS LEFT from the generic city to the skyline of New York City, and zooms in on a window:) NARRATOR -- Spider-Man is sitting on his toilet. (We see SPIDER-MAN on a toilet draped in spiderwebs. He is leafing through a "PlayBug" magazine.) NARRATOR Meanwhile, in Gotham City -- (CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND SWISH-PANS LEFT from New York City to Gotham City, which is identical, and zooms in on a window:) NARRATOR -- Batman is sitting on his Bat-Toilet. (BATMAN is on a really elaborate and expensive-looking toilet, doing a crossword puzzle.) NARRATOR Meanwhile, in Metropolis -- (CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND SWISH-PANS LEFT from Gotham City to Metropolis, which is also identical, and zooms in on a window:) NARRATOR Superman is sitting on his Super Toilet! (SUPERMAN is perched on the edge of the seat of a hundred-foot-tall silver toilet with searchlights radiating out behind it. He is thinking with his chin pressed against his fist like Rodin's "Thinker".) SUPERMAN Great Scott! My Super Hearing has picked up the unmistakable sound of bad grammar! (SUPERMAN takes off directly through the toilet seat, smashing his way through the wall as he flies to the middle of a big street in Metropolis. BIZARRO, who looks like SUPERMAN except badly-drawn and his clothes are on backwards, is standing there.) SUPERMAN Bizarro! Why have you returned to Metropolis? BIZARRO Me am here for new Bizarro secret plan, which me must tell everyone because otherwise it not be Bizarro secret. I are planning Bizarro terrorist campaign. Look at buildings! (He gestures towards a pair of identical tall skyscrapers.) SUPERMAN The Sister Skyscrapers! Bizarro, you wouldn't! BIZARRO (wielding a remote control) Me activate Bizarro terrorist device now! (He pushes the button. There is a flash of light and a third skyscraper appears next to the other two. Thousands of people start walking out of it.) SUPERMAN No! You are causing massive overpopulation! BIZARRO Me have executed brilliant terrorist plan. Hello. (BIZARRO flies away backwards.) SUPERMAN (enraged, screaming at the sky) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (KIBO steps into the scene in his hazmat suit.) KIBO Relax, Superman. This isn't actually happening. You're just in a comic book which is trying to show how horrible it would be if this happened. SUPERMAN I hope all the boys and girls reading this comic book dedicate their lives to ensuring that Bizarro terrorists don't create thousands of people. All you good junior citizens must remain vigilant. If you see anyone whose clothes are backwards, or if they are even slightly deformed, beat them up and then send for the police. KIBO The boys and girls can't thank you for your advice, Superman, because you're not only just a comic-book character, you're not even in a real comic book, you're in an imaginary comic book we made up just for "The Special Show!" You see, in the real world, we don't have Bizarro terrorists. We have regular terrorists. They blow up buildings on the orders of some crazy guy in Afghanistan. SUPERMAN Then I retract my advice. The boys and girls we are pretending are reading my comic book should instead beat up anyone they see who is wearing a turban or has a long beard. KIBO But the terrorists who attacked the World Trade Center and Pentagon didn't have turbans or beards. They looked just like almost everyone else. SUPERMAN Then... we should beat up anyone who looks like anyone else! KIBO No, Superman. We shouldn't judge people SOLELY on the basis of how they look. (Music: "Pomp And Circumstance" graduation march) KIBO You see, Superman, you're prejudiced and you need to learn not to think in terms of two-dimensional comic-book stereotypes. SUPERMAN You mean I should stop assuming that all women are helpless and stupid? KIBO Exactly. SUPERMAN And just because someone is wearing a Spider-Man costume, it doesn't mean they're gay? KIBO That's right, Spider-Man isn't gay, he's just confused. Also, not all gay men wear Spider-Man costumes. SUPERMAN I hate Spider-Man. KIBO Superman, homophobia has no place in this comic book. SUPERMAN I don't hate him because he's gay. I hate him for plenty of other reasons. KIBO Oh. Well, that's okay. Nobody likes Spider-Man. SUPERMAN So it's okay if my attitude towards him is exactly the same as it would be if I stereotyped him, except that I just have to make up some other reason to hate him? KIBO Sure. But I'm sorry, reading too many comic books isn't good for people, so I'm going to have to put an end to this. (KIBO grabs a corner of the scene and crumples up everything, including SUPERMAN, reducing it to a wad of paper. The music is briefly distorted and then stops. Behind the scene is revealed a solid black screen with a stylish wastebasket. KIBO throws the crumpled comic-book scene into the wastebasket. Then he picks up the wastebasket and crumples it up into an even smaller wad of paper. He flicks it offscreen.) KIBO That's quite enough of that comic-book NONSENSE. Let's see an educational segment. Roll the science! NARRATOR (voiceover) Roll the science! ANOTHER VOICE (voiceover) Rolling the science! (CUT TO:) (A stage. The graduation music begins again. An asymmetrical GREEN BLOB of goo walks across the stage wearing a sash that says "E. COLI." An identical SECOND BLOB follows, except that its sash says "THE COMMON COLD." The THIRD BLOB wears a sash that says "ANTHRAX." The FOURTH BLOB has a sash with flashing illuminated lettering that says "EAT AT McDONALDS.") (CUT TO:) (KIBO floating in space in the hazmat suit.) KIBO I'm sorry, that product placement wasn't supposed to be in this episode. But McDonalds called me up and said that if everyone doesn't eat at McDonalds at least as often as they should then the terrorists will win so the fate of the world hinged on us showing that ad. (One of the burning cats shoots past like a comet.) KIBO Wow, that was close! Now it's time to sample the mail our viewers have been sending in. (The Moon moves into view behind KIBO. A trapdoor in it pops open, like a cuckoo clock, and an articulated robot arm comes out and hands KIBO a letter. He opens it.) KIBO Today's letter is from someone at the KiddieSoft Corporation in Seattle. It says, "Dear Kibo, what's with all the Hitler references?" You're right... we forgot to mention Hitler in this episode about evil scary things. We'll try to be better about Hitler in the future. Now these messages. (CUT TO:) ("DENNY'S" sign) (music: perky) NARRATOR (voiceover) It's time for breakfast at Denny's! (Interior of Denny's. A PREPPY MAN and PREPPY WOMAN enter and a WAITRESS meets them.) PREPPY MAN Table for two, please. WAITRESS Smoking or non-smoking? (We see an area of the restaurant where all the tables on the right side of the screen are covered by a thick cloud of cigarette smoke which somehow stays away from the other tables.) PREPPY MAN Non-smoking, please. WAITRESS One-sided table or two? (We see a bunch of normal tables on the right, and some Mobius-strip-shaped ones on the left. A BUSBOY is setting out silverware on one of the flat tables, and he puts some on the top and some on the underside.) PREPPY WOMAN Regular two-sided table, please. WAITRESS And... one Hitler or two? PREPPY MAN & WOMAN (together) Whaaaaaat? WAITRESS (perky) At Denny's, Hitler always eats free! ONE HITLER AND TWO HITLERS (all together) An order of onion rings for everyone! That guy will pay for it! PREPPY MAN No I won't. We're leaving. WAITRESS Shot as you try to escape, or beaten to death? ("DENNY'S" sign) NARRATOR (voiceover) Denny's. There is no escape! (CUT TO:) (burst of static, as if a channel knob is being wrenched around) (CUT TO:) (We are looking down at a toilet. A hand reaches in and flushes it. The swirly water turns into a picture of Hitler as it spirals away.) NARRATOR (voiceover) 2000 Flushes, now with Hitler! (CUT TO:) (burst of static) (CUT TO:) (A SECOND PREPPY MAN and SECOND PREPPY WOMAN are eating dessert. She is eating ice cream. We can't see what he is eating.) SECOND PREPPY WOMAN This ice cream tastes worse than Hitler! SECOND PREPPY MAN You're right. Try some of mine! (We see that he has been using a spoon to scoop out HITLER's brains, as HITLER's head sticks up through a hole in the table. She reaches over and takes a spoonful and eats it.) SECOND PREPPY WOMAN Wow, that's good Hitler! HITLER Look for me in your grocer's freezer! (CUT TO:) (burst of static) (CUT TO:) (a naked HITLER all puffy and bloated, with a diagonal grid embossed on his skin) HITLER I'm quilted for comfort! Squeeze me! (Hands reach in from offscreen, but MR. WHIPPLE enters and slaps the hands away from HITLER.) MR. WHIPPLE Please don't squeeze the Hitler! (CUT TO:) (burst of static) (CUT TO:) (Card reading "EMERGENCY BROADCAST TEST") NARRATOR (voiceover) This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. (A close-up of HITLER's face flashes on the screen for a fraction of a second.) NARRATOR (voiceover) This concludes our test. Now back to our regular programming. (CUT TO:) (Establishing shot of an airport. We hear planes taking off and landing.) (CUT TO:) (Interior airport terminal. A BUSINESSMAN is about to go through the metal detector.) SECURITY GUARD (boredly) Empty your pockets, please. (The BUSINESSMAN dumps a lot of stuff into a margarine tub. The SECURITY GUARD paws through it.) SECURITY GUARD (suddenly excited at finding something small in the tub) Whoa! Hold it! You're not allowed to have these nail clippers. I'm going to have to take them away and burn them. Now proceed to cubicle seven for a strip-search, I'll get the wire brush... (CUT TO:) (Card reading "TWO HOURS LATER") (CUT TO:) (The BUSINESSMAN is on a plane. A HIJACKER stands up holding a bomb.) HIJACKER I'm going to blow up this entire plane unless someone can trim my painful hangnail! (ZOOM IN ON face of BUSINESSMAN.) (Sound effect: "Boingggggggg") (CUT TO:) (Kibo, still floating in space) KIBO Of course, that's just an exaggeration. At most airports, they don't burn nail clippers, they just saw them in half and only confiscate the useful part. Incidentally, because we're most of the way through this Halloween episode, it's time to bring out our special visitor who will be reappearing less than two months from now... (SANTA flies past in his sleigh.) SANTA Ho ho ho! (SANTA's sleigh exits.) KIBO Yes, it's Santa Claus. There are only so many days until Christmas, and remember, Santa knows whether you've been bad or good! (DISSOLVE TO:) (Bedroom, night. A LITTLE GIRL is sleeping. SANTA climbs in through the window stealthily. He takes a power drill out of his sack and drills a hole in her skull. He inserts a dipstick and pulls it out. We see that the blood comes up to the 11-inch mark.) LITTLE GIRL (just waking up) What's happening? SANTA Little girl, this shows that you were naughty eleven months ago. LITTLE GIRL (groggily) Whaa? SANTA Apparently you had an impure thought way back then. LITTLE GIRL What's an impure thought? SANTA You saw a jar of cookies in the kitchen and thought about whether you should take one without asking Mommy. LITTLE GIRL But I didn't take one! SANTA No, but you thought about it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to fill all your clothes with coal. (He goes over to where a giant spigot is sticking out of the bedroom wall. He turns the handle an a two-foot-wide lump of coal falls out. Suddenly, all the walls burst and T comes flying in with dozens of giant gumballs. T begins chasing SANTA around the room and kicking him.) LITTLE GIRL Mommy, mommy, I'm having a terrible nightmare! MOMMY (offscreen, in the next room) No you're not! Go back to sleep or I'll make you wear a fluffy white angora sweater! (EINSTEIN pokes his head out from under the bed.) EINSTEIN I'm hiding under the bed because I'm scared of all these scary things. LITTLE GIRL But, Einstein, there are even more scary monsters under the bed. EINSTEIN Yeah, but it's too dark for me to see them. LITTLE GIRL Oh. In that case, watch this... (CUT TO:) (Title card: "COMMON TYPES OF SCARY MONSTERS") (CUT TO:) (Scratchy footage of a wood-paneled wall, possibly a rumpus room. Slow jazz music is playing. CAMERA SLOWLY PANS RIGHT throughout this segment. The field of view slowly moves across a GENERIC CLOWN. Then another CLOWN. And another CLOWN.) (CUT TO:) (The Fright Flasher strobes full-screen as the Horror Horn blares.) (CUT TO:) (CAMERA CONTINUES PANNING, to reveal RONALD McDONALD. Zoom in on his face.) RONALD McDONALD Ho! Ho! Ho! (CUT TO:) (Fright Flasher and Horror Horn.) (CUT TO:) (Wider shot of RONALD McDONALD. We see that standing in a big circle around him are the HAZMAT GUYS.) (CUT TO:) (Fright Flasher and Horror Horn.) (CUT TO:) (RONALD farts. All the HAZMAT GUYS drop dead. A GREEN BLOB, T, EINSTEIN, SANTA CLAUS, the LITTLE GIRL, the PSYCHIATRISTS, the PIRATE, JON VOIGHT, some BURNING CATS, several GUMBALLS, BIZARRO, QUILTED HITLER, and TONY RANDALL enter and chase RONALD back and forth at triple speed.) (Music: "Benny Hill" theme) KIBO (voiceover) No, no, stop the show, it's getting stupid again. (CUT TO:) (EINSTEIN is back in the asylum in his straitjacket, strapped to the chair. The TV is showing "The Special Show!" logo. The TV explodes.) (CUT TO:) (The CONSUMER is in his living room looking at a TV showing a picture of EINSTEIN seeing his TV explode. The CONSUMER's TV explodes.) (CUT TO:) (The FUTURISTIC GUY is watching a futuristic-looking TV showing the CONSUMER watching EINSTEIN. The futuristic TV explodes.) (CUT TO:) (RONALD McDONALD explodes. He turns into a cloud of white powder which blows all over the place. Wind noises.) (FADE TO WHITE.) (Wind noises continue a while. We faintly hear the Horror Horn.) (THE END) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -- K. I think we should force Osama bin Laden to watch this show. Both the regular version, and one with an all-Ronald McDonald cast.
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September 11, 2007
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