Eighth (I think) in a long series of television shows aimed at a very special audience.




From:       James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject:    The Special Show!  Halloween episode
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date:       Wed, 31 Oct 2001 04:52:30 -0500

Because I felt that ongoing events were disturbing enough to warrant
realistic depiction in "The Special Show", and because I wanted to break
in my new keyboard, I wrote this just now.  There are probably all
sorts of things wrong with it, besides the fact that it exists.
------------------------------------------------------------------------



                          Kibo presents

                    -------------------------
                    THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!!
                    -------------------------

                      for October 31, 2001

              (C) Copyright 2001 James "Kibo" Parry


(KIBO, dressed normally, walks out onto a stage in front of
the closed curtain.  The unseen studio audience cheers.)

      KIBO
      Ladies and gentlemen, in light of the horrible terrorist
      attacks in New York and Washington and all those people
      being mailed anthrax, it would be in very poor taste of me
      not to warn you that tonight's episode is all about those
      things.  Now, I want to emphasize that you in the studio
      audience are in no danger, and although we are presenting a
      sketch about a gas attack a little later in the show, we are
      only pretending.  Do not panic.  When there is a surprise
      gas attack, please remain calm and remember that it is 
      not real.

(At the start of that speech, several FIREMEN in
black-and-yellow-striped turnout coats take position behind
KIBO, in front of the curtain.  Some are brandishing crash
axes and others are pointing fire hoses at the audience. 
After the FIREMEN, as KIBO continues to talk, several
SOLDIERS enter, pointing rifles with bayonets and laser
sights towards the audience.  Then several members of a
HAZMAT TEAM enter in variously-colored plastic suits enter,
waving Geiger counters, followed by some FBI AGENTS holding
up oversized badges.  Finally, a few ROMAN CENTURIONS join
them, holding bronze swords.  KIBO continues:)

      KIBO
      So remember, remain calm during the sketch about the gas
      attack.  There is nothing to fear and you will be protected
      from the pretend surprise gas attack.  Remember, not real.
      And now... the gas attack sketch.

(Music: drum roll)

(Everyone steps aside and the curtain goes up.  A FAT GUY is
standing alone on the stage.  He farts.)

(Music: "ta-da!")

(The curtain falls.  KIBO returns to the front of the stage,
followed by some of the HAZMAT guys and FIREMEN and so on.)

      KIBO
      Wait, stop the show, this is all wrong.  (To the HAZMAT
      people) I don't know why I let you guys talk me into this. 
      "The Special Show" isn't supposed to be all predictable and
      tame, like "Saturday Night Live."  It was created as an
      important psychological therapy tool for mental patients,
      not intended for a general audience of normal people.  You
      guys are making the show all ordinary, get out of here.

(As the HAZMAT people start to leave, KIBO points at a guy
in a yellow plastic suit.)

      KIBO
      Wait, you -- I want your suit.

(YELLOW HAZMAT GUY starts disrobing while KIBO taps his foot
impatiently.)

      NARRATOR
      (voiceover)
      The! Special! Show!

(CUT TO:)

(Opening titles.  A flashy computer-animated logo for "THE
SPECIAL SHOW!" is flying through space.  It descends towards
the Earth.  It zooms along a city street, knocking people
over and bonking them on the head.  It smashes into a
supermarket through a plate glass window.)

(CUT TO:)

(Beautifully-sketched storyboard panels showing the logo
knocking things off supermarket shelves.)

      NARRATOR
      (voiceover)
      Then the logo goes into a supermarket and picks up all
      the jars of spaghetti sauce and throws them to the floor and
      dances on them and spits on the corn flakes.

(CUT TO:)

(A white card with a crudely-drawn rectangle with the words
"TITLE SEQUENCE CONTINUED" scrawled across it.)

      NARRATOR
      (voiceover)
      Then the logo goes up your ass and explodes!

(CUT TO:)

(Explosion.  Screen goes black.  Hold black for a moment. 
Text starts slowly moving up the screen as the NARRATOR
reads it:)

      NARRATOR
      (voiceover)
      Due to the nature of tonight's combination
      terrorist-themed and Halloween-themed episode, the
      psychiatrist who prescribed this episode may have suggested
      you avert your eyes during the scary parts.  To assist you
      in doing so, before anything truly scary we will sound the
      Horror Horn --

(Sound effect:  Air horn honks three times, very loud)

      NARRATOR
      (voiceover)
      -- and we will show the Fright Flasher --

(A brilliant red strobe light flashes violently for two
seconds, then back to the text scrolling up the black screen)

      NARRATOR
      Thus, if you have been told to avoid the scary parts,
      when you hear the Horror Horn and see the Fright Flasher,
      cover your eyes.  If your psychiatrist has not given you any
      such instructions, feel free to pay extra attention after
      the Horror Horn and Fright Flasher.  Thank you.

(CUT TO:)

(KIBO in the yellow hazmat suit, rolling around on the stage
floor as he tries to zip up the back of the suit by himself.)

      KIBO
      Damn zipper!  Why can't they make it easier to survive
      chemical warfare?

(CAMERA TILTS UP to the ceiling and rises through it, into
the sky.  It tumbles through the clouds.)

(FADE TO WHITE.)

(DISSOLVE TO:)

(We are looking through an old-fashioned window.  Through
it, we witness the sinking of the Titanic.  Oddly, the
Titanic is black and white but the window is in color.  A
cloud of bright yellow gas drifts into view just outside the
window.  A World War I British SOLDIER pops up from below
outside of the window the window and yells "Gas! Gas! Gas!"
and puts on an old-fashioned leather gas mask.  A bayonet
from offscreen stabs him and he dies.  A hand reaches into
frame and pulls down a windowshade.  CAMERA PULLS BACK to
reveal that a snappily-dressed Titanic-era PSYCHIATRIST
[Robert Colbert] and his young ASSISTANT [James Darren] are
in an elegant old wood-paneled science lab.  There is a crib
across the room.)

      PSYCHIATRIST
      Our first experimental subject is this convenient baby,
      named Little Albert.  Give him the kitty.

(The ASSISTANT puts a white kitten in LITTLE ALBERT's crib.)

      LITTLE ALBERT
      (petting the kitty)
      Ooo, fuzzy!

      PSYCHIATRIST
      Now, while I fire this starter's pistol in his ear, you
take this cattle prod and whomp him over the head with it.

("Batman"-style full-screen animated sound effects
accompanied by trumpet bleats: "BANG!" "WHOMP!" "ZAP!")

      LITTLE ALBERT
      Waah!

      PSYCHIATRIST
      Now, re-introduce the kitten.

(The ASSISTANT retrieves the kitten from the far end of the
cage and drops it in LITTLE ALBERT's lap.)

      LITTLE ALBERT
      (terrified of kitty)
      Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

      PSYCHIATRIST
      We have now successfully conditioned Little Albert.  Now
      let's test the generalization effect.  Put on the angora
      sweater.

(The ASSISTANT pulls on a white angora sweater.)

      LITTLE ALBERT
      (terrified of sweater)
      Waaaaaaah!  It's all white and fluffy!

(DISSOLVE TO:)

(Black screen with colored sparkles flying through space. 
Creepy music plays.  Weird-looking lettering slides onto the
screen, facing the wrong way, and then flips around to read:
"THE PRESENT DAY".)

(DISSOLVE TO:)

(We are looking at an austere, modern white television set
against a white wall.  It shows a NEWSCASTER.)

      NEWSCASTER
      The Post Office has announced that every citizen will be
      mailed a postcard warning them about the anthrax scare.  Of
      course, because anthrax has been mailed through the same
      post offices, there is a small but important chance that all
      these postcards are contaminated with anthrax.  To be safe,
      do not touch anything, and have your local hazmat team open
      all your mail.

(The screen shows stock footage of people in bright yellow
hazmat suits sponging each other down while standing in a
wading pool with pictures of Scooby-Doo printed on it.)

      NEWSCASTER
      (voiceover)
      Here we see a brave hazmat team dealing with the reality
      of anthrax.

(A hand reaches into frame and turns off the TV.  CAMERA
PULLS BACK to reveal the same PSYCHIATRIST and ASSISTANT,
now much older, wearing white lab coats in a white-walled
mental asylum.)

      PSYCHIATRIST
      Our new patient is this man, named Big Albert.  He
      apparently experienced some childhood trauma.

(CAMERA PANS to reveal Albert Einstein, with wild gray hair,
strapped into a straitjacket and tied to a chair.)

      EINSTEIN
      Take it away!  Take it away!

(CAMERA PANS FURTHER to reveal he is seated across from
SANTA CLAUS, who is also strapped into a straitjacket and
tied to a chair.)

      EINSTEIN
      (terrified of the white beard)
      Waah!  It's all white and fluffy!

      SANTA
      Ho, ho, ho!

      EINSTEIN
      Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

      PSYCHIATRIST
      I'll sedate him now.

(The PSYCHIATRIST injects him with something.)

      ASSISTANT
      Doctor, you forgot that sedatives have the opposite
      effect on geniuses!

(EINSTEIN grunts and rips his arms free of the straitjacket
and pulls it off.)

      EINSTEIN
      Now I can do something I've wanted to do for a long time!

(EINSTEIN scratches his head and a big cloud of dandruff
billows out, settling on the floor.)

      ASSISTANT
      Oh no!  An unidentified powdery substance!

      PSYCHIATRIST
      It's all white and fluffy!  Waaaaaaah!

(EINSTEIN smiles.  On the screen of the TV -- which is still
turned off -- a life-size head shot of our host KIBO
appears, wearing a yellow plastic hazmat suit.  He climbs
out of the TV into the room.)

      KIBO
      (to PSYCHIATRIST)
      Don't just stand there!  Do something about that
      unidentified white powder!

      PSYCHIATRIST
      I can't clean up that white powder because my hazmat
      suit is all crinkly and uncomfortable.

      KIBO
      That's why you need one of these, the new Tychem Saranex
      encapsulation suit, now with improved fabric softness!  
      Good luck!

(KIBO steps back.)

      ASSISTANT
      The world could be destroyed if we don't do something!

      PSYCHIATRIST
      I will attempt to examine the unexamined white powder
      without a hazmat suit.

(He bends down with his face very close to it, and waves a
handheld anthrax detector over it.  It crackles.)

      PSYCHIATRIST
      That's not anthrax...

(Suddenly the PSYCHIATRIST and ASSISTANT lunge forward and
start scooping up handfuls of the powder and eating them. 
KIBO steps forward, holding up a brightly-colored consumer
product package marked "That's Not Anthrax!")

      KIBO
      Yes, it's That's Not Anthrax, America's favorite anthrax
      helper!  When you don't have any anthrax but want exactly
      the same effects, use That's Not Anthrax, a patented mix of
      talcum powder, flower, vanilla pudding mix, crushed breath
      mints, and Albert Einstein's dandruff.  Try some today!

(Two FBI AGENTS enter and grab EINSTEIN.)

      FIRST FBI AGENT
      Albert Einstein, you're under arrest for having anthrax
      in your hair.

      EINSTEIN
      But... That's Not Anthrax!

      SECOND FBI AGENT
      Then you're under arrest for not having anthrax in your hair.

(They drag him out as they EXIT.  SANTA resumes laughing. 
The PSYCHIATRIST and ASSISTANT are licking their fingers.)

      KIBO
      (pulling off his hazmat suit's hood)
      Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this unusually special
      episode of "The Special Show".  Tonight for your
      entertainment we present a mixture of documentaries and zany
      skits.  But first, a propaganda film.

(CUT TO:)

(A CONSUMER is in his living room.)

      CONSUMER
      Gosh, I would like a gumball right now.

(He goes to the kitchen, where the sink's faucet spigot is
about two feet in diameter.  He turns the tap and a red
gumball two feet across comes out.)

      CONSUMER
      I'm tired of only having access to certain gumballs at
      specific times.

("T" drops out of the spigot.  T is a midget wearing a
glossy black rubber wetsuit, with a black rubber TV set
covering his head.  On the front of the TV mask are four
eyeholes that are shaped like the letters "TiVo".)

      T
      You need a TiVo!  With TiVo, you can have all the
      gumballs in the world, all the time!

(The walls burst and thousands of giant gumballs pour in.)

      CONSUMER
      Wow!  Now I have the freedom to choose!

(T is neck-deep in the rising gumballs.)

      T
      I am the omniscient TiVo powered by Genux-B, and I am
      answering your need for more gumballs!

(T goes under.  The gumballs are about to bury the CONSUMER.)

      CONSUMER
      Uh oh, I am being suffocated by freedom of choice!

(The room completely fills floor to ceiling with gumballs. 
Their clattering is deafening.  We hear the house's
structure groaning as the gumballs pack in tightly.)

(CUT TO:)

(House bursting, gumballs rolling away from an ever-growing pile.)

(Woman running down the street screaming as a horde of
gumballs roll after her.)

(Man playing paintball is hit in the arm with a paint
pellet.  He shrugs it off and aims his rifle.  Then a
two-foot-wide gumball conks him on the head.)

(The Earth in space.  Tiny brightly colored dots
representing gumballs spread across all the land masses,
with a clattering noise.  A moment's pause, then suddenly,
with a loud scrunch, they fill up the oceans too.  The Earth
hesitates, shudders, and explodes in a huge burst of
multicolored specks.  The crepy music returns as the
multiclored specks shoot past.  A GUY IN A DIAPER floats
into view.  Reversed lettering appears, then flips around to
read "THE TIME DIAPER".)

      ANNOUNCER
      (very loud voiceover)
      The Time Diaper! ... In Color!

(DISSOLVE TO:)

(The Middle Ages.  Some knights are jousting.  The GUY IN A
DIAPER falls out of the sky.)

      KNIGHT
      Forsooth, verily ye hast fallen from the sky!

      GUY IN A DIAPER
      That's because I am a time traveller!

      KNIGHT
      But why dost thou wear a diaper?

      GUY IN A DIAPER
      Because it is The Time Diaper!

      KNIGHT
      Dost thine diaper allow the to travel through time?

      GUY IN A DIAPER
      Yes, but I can't control when it --

(He vanishes with a loud "Pop!")

(CUT TO:)

(GUY IN A DIAPER floating through multicolored specks
again.)

(DISSOLVE TO:)

(The French Revolution.  Stock footage of the Bastille being
stormed.  We see THE MARQUIS OF SOMETHING standing by
himself waving a flag.  The GUY IN A DIAPER falls out of the
sky.)

      MARQUIS OF SOMETHING
      Zut alors!  You have fallen from zee sky!

      GUY IN A DIAPER
      That's because I am a time traveller!

      MARQUIS OF SOMETHING
      But why do you wear that bourgeois diaper?

      GUY IN A DIAPER
      Because it is The Time Diaper!

      MARQUIS OF SOMETHING
      Your diaper makes you travel through zee time?

      GUY IN A DIAPER
      Yes, but I can't control when it --

(He vanishes with a loud "Pop!")

(CUT TO:)

(GUY IN A DIAPER floating through multicolored specks
again.)

(DISSOLVE TO:)

(The distant future.  It is represented by a room
wallpapered with tinfoil, and blinking Christmas lights
everywhere.  A strobe light is mounted inside a clar plastic
Jell-O mold.  A FUTURISTIC GUY with his face covered in
silver greasepaint is there.  The GUY IN A DIAPER falls out
of the sky.)

      FUTURISTIC GUY
      Nano-nano!  You have fallen out of the space sky!

      GUY IN A DIAPER
      That's because I am a time traveller!

      FUTURISTIC GUY
      Shazbot!  Buy why do you wear that space diaper?

      GUY IN A DIAPER
      Because it is The Time Diaper!

      FUTURISTIC GUY
      Felgerkarb!  Your space diaper makes you travel through
      space time?

      GUY IN A DIAPER
      Yes, but I can't control when it --

(Just the diaper vanishes with a loud "Pop!"  The guy is now
naked except for a little sign reading "Sorry, this IS the
twist ending.")

      FUTURISTIC GUY
      Your primitive Earth comedy fails to amuse me.

(Hundreds of giant gumballs fall on the FUTURISTIC GUY,
followed by a ton of white powder, and then a little white
kitten runs in and bites him on the nose.)

      GUY IN A DIAPER
      Now THAT'S comedy!

(With a loud "Sproing!", his diaper reappears.)

      FUTURISTIC GUY
      What in the nine galaxies is happening?

      GUY IN A DIAPER
      Oh no!  It's a Time Diaper Overload!

(The diaper starts disappearing and reappearing once per
second, "Pop! Sproing! Pop! Sproing!", and so on.  It begins
to glow.)

      GUY IN A DIAPER
      Everybody, get clear of my diaper!

(The FUTURISTIC GUY runs out of frame, and the MARQUIS and
KNIGHT and some CAVEMEN and a PIRATE and a GUY IN A GORILLA
SUIT and FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER and SHERLOCK HOLMES all run
across the screen in the same direction.)

(CUT TO:)

(Interior of a tiny, dimly-lit, rusty corrugated steel
shack.  All those people are jammed inside.)

      FUTURISTIC GUY
      Shazbot!

      PIRATE
      You already said that, arrrr!

      PARROT
      (on his shoulder)
      Shazbot!  Shazbot!

      PIRATE
      Now look what you made him do!

      FUTURISTIC GUY
      I'm sorry!  I wasn't thinking because I had to run away
      from the glowing diaper!

(Someone opens the shack's creaky door from the outside.  It
is EINSTEIN.)

      EINSTEIN
      Hey, can I come in?

      KNIGHT
      Thou hast weird hair!

      CAVEMAN
      Har har, his hair big and funny!

      FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER
      Rrrrrr!  Rat's nest!

(They all laugh.)

      FUTURISTIC GUY
      Now go away or we'll sic Santa on you!

(EINSTEIN screams and runs away.  He runs through fields of
wheat and corn and rice and sees the JOLLY GREEN GIANT.)

      JOLLY GREEN GIANT
      (bending down so Einstein can see what's in his hand)
      Hey, Einstein, look what I've got!

(The GIANT opens his hand and inside is JON VOIGHT, who is
holding some disgusting-looking brown wads.)

      JON VOIGHT
      Want some chocolate-covered cotton?  Outside it's rich
      and chocolatey, inside it's all white and fuzzy!

(EINSTEIN screams and runs away again.  He re-enters the
insane asylum.  The PSYCHIATRIST and his ASSISTANT are still
there.)

      EINSTEIN
      Please, please, please give me massive electroshock
      therapy for my own good!

      PSYCHIATRIST
      Now that's the first sensible thing you've said all day!

      ASSISTANT
      Doctor, it's time to check on your other patient.

      PSYCHIATRIST
      Very well.  Einstein, there's an electroshock machine in
      that cabinet.  Shock yourself silly.

      EINSTEIN
      Oh boy!

(The PSYCHIATRIST and ASSISTANT leave the room.  They go
into an adjacent padded cell.  LOUIS WAIN is there, painting
on a canvas that faces away from us.)

      PSYCHIATRIST
      Good morning.  Do you remember your name?

      LOUIS WAIN
      Yes, I am Louis Wain.

      PSYCHIATRIST
      And what are you painting?

      LOUIS WAIN
      It's a cat.

      PSYCHIATRIST
      I... see.  Or... (very loudly) do I?

(He abruptly grabs the painting off the easel and flips it
around so we can see it.  On the canvas is a painting of a
psychedelic ball of orange and green flame covered with eyes
and fangs.)

      ASSISTANT
      That doesn't look anything like a cat.

      PSYCHIATRIST
      That's why he's obviously insane.

(The PSYCHIATRIST throws the painting on the floor. 
PSYCHIATRIST and ASSISTANT exit, stepping on the painting. 
LOUIS WAIN looks down at the ruined painting.  Several
psychedelic balls of orange and green flame enter and look
at it too.)

      FIRST BURNING PSYCHO CAT
      Don't worry.  We'll get them.

      SECOND BURNING PSYCHO CAT
      We'll get them good.

      THIRD BURNING PSYCHO CAT
      Meow.

(EINSTEIN peers in through the window into this room.)

      EINSTEIN
      What do you know, I'm not afraid of kitties any more!

(CUT TO:)

(Generic big city skyline with fireworks going off above it.
"Stars And Stripes Forever" plays at ten million decibels.)

      NARRATOR
      (voiceover)
      Meanwhile, in New York City --

(CAMERA SWISH-PANS LEFT from the generic city to the skyline
of New York City, and zooms in on a window:)

      NARRATOR
      -- Spider-Man is sitting on his toilet.

(We see SPIDER-MAN on a toilet draped in spiderwebs.  He is
leafing through a "PlayBug" magazine.)

      NARRATOR
      Meanwhile, in Gotham City --

(CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND SWISH-PANS LEFT from New York City to
Gotham City, which is identical, and zooms in on a window:)

      NARRATOR
      -- Batman is sitting on his Bat-Toilet.

(BATMAN is on a really elaborate and expensive-looking
toilet, doing a crossword puzzle.)

      NARRATOR
      Meanwhile, in Metropolis --

(CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND SWISH-PANS LEFT from Gotham City to
Metropolis, which is also identical, and zooms in on a
window:)

      NARRATOR
      Superman is sitting on his Super Toilet!

(SUPERMAN is perched on the edge of the seat of a
hundred-foot-tall silver toilet with searchlights radiating
out behind it.  He is thinking with his chin pressed against
his fist like Rodin's "Thinker".)

      SUPERMAN
      Great Scott!  My Super Hearing has picked up the
      unmistakable sound of bad grammar!

(SUPERMAN takes off directly through the toilet seat,
smashing his way through the wall as he flies to the middle
of a big street in Metropolis.  BIZARRO, who looks like
SUPERMAN except badly-drawn and his clothes are on
backwards, is standing there.)

      SUPERMAN
      Bizarro!  Why have you returned to Metropolis?

      BIZARRO
      Me am here for new Bizarro secret plan, which me must
      tell everyone because otherwise it not be Bizarro secret.  I
      are planning Bizarro terrorist campaign.  Look at buildings!

(He gestures towards a pair of identical tall skyscrapers.)

      SUPERMAN
      The Sister Skyscrapers!  Bizarro, you wouldn't!

      BIZARRO
      (wielding a remote control)
      Me activate Bizarro terrorist device now!

(He pushes the button.  There is a flash of light and a
third skyscraper appears next to the other two.  Thousands
of people start walking out of it.)

      SUPERMAN
      No!  You are causing massive overpopulation!

      BIZARRO
      Me have executed brilliant terrorist plan.  Hello.

(BIZARRO flies away backwards.)

      SUPERMAN
      (enraged, screaming at the sky)
      NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(KIBO steps into the scene in his hazmat suit.)

      KIBO
      Relax, Superman.  This isn't actually happening.  You're
      just in a comic book which is trying to show how horrible it
      would be if this happened.

      SUPERMAN
      I hope all the boys and girls reading this comic book
      dedicate their lives to ensuring that Bizarro terrorists
      don't create thousands of people.  All you good junior
      citizens must remain vigilant.  If you see anyone whose
      clothes are backwards, or if they are even slightly
      deformed, beat them up and then send for the police.

      KIBO
      The boys and girls can't thank you for your advice,
      Superman, because you're not only just a comic-book
      character, you're not even in a real comic book, you're in
      an imaginary comic book we made up just for "The Special
      Show!"  You see, in the real world, we don't have Bizarro
      terrorists.  We have regular terrorists.  They blow up
      buildings on the orders of some crazy guy in Afghanistan.

      SUPERMAN
      Then I retract my advice.  The boys and girls we are
      pretending are reading my comic book should instead beat up
      anyone they see who is wearing a turban or has a long beard.

      KIBO
      But the terrorists who attacked the World Trade Center
      and Pentagon didn't have turbans or beards.  They looked
      just like almost everyone else.

      SUPERMAN
      Then... we should beat up anyone who looks like anyone
      else!

      KIBO
      No, Superman.  We shouldn't judge people SOLELY on the
      basis of how they look.

(Music: "Pomp And Circumstance" graduation march)

      KIBO
      You see, Superman, you're prejudiced and you need to
      learn not to think in terms of two-dimensional comic-book
      stereotypes.

      SUPERMAN
      You mean I should stop assuming that all women are
      helpless and stupid?

      KIBO
      Exactly.

      SUPERMAN
      And just because someone is wearing a Spider-Man
      costume, it doesn't mean they're gay?

      KIBO
      That's right, Spider-Man isn't gay, he's just confused. 
      Also, not all gay men wear Spider-Man costumes.

      SUPERMAN
      I hate Spider-Man.

      KIBO
      Superman, homophobia has no place in this comic book.

      SUPERMAN
      I don't hate him because he's gay.  I hate him for
      plenty of other reasons.

      KIBO
      Oh.  Well, that's okay.  Nobody likes Spider-Man.

      SUPERMAN
      So it's okay if my attitude towards him is exactly the
      same as it would be if I stereotyped him, except that I just
      have to make up some other reason to hate him?

      KIBO
      Sure.  But I'm sorry, reading too many comic books isn't
      good for people, so I'm going to have to put an end to this.

(KIBO grabs a corner of the scene and crumples up
everything, including SUPERMAN, reducing it to a wad of
paper.  The music is briefly distorted and then stops. 
Behind the scene is revealed a solid black screen with a
stylish wastebasket.  KIBO throws the crumpled comic-book
scene into the wastebasket.  Then he picks up the
wastebasket and crumples it up into an even smaller wad of
paper.  He flicks it offscreen.)

      KIBO
      That's quite enough of that comic-book NONSENSE.  Let's
      see an educational segment.  Roll the science!

      NARRATOR
      (voiceover)
      Roll the science!

      ANOTHER VOICE
      (voiceover)
      Rolling the science!

(CUT TO:)

(A stage.  The graduation music begins again.  An
asymmetrical GREEN BLOB of goo walks across the stage
wearing a sash that says "E. COLI."  An identical SECOND
BLOB follows, except that its sash says "THE COMMON COLD." 
The THIRD BLOB wears a sash that says "ANTHRAX."  The FOURTH
BLOB has a sash with flashing illuminated lettering that
says "EAT AT McDONALDS.")

(CUT TO:)

(KIBO floating in space in the hazmat suit.)

      KIBO
      I'm sorry, that product placement wasn't supposed to be
      in this episode.  But McDonalds called me up and said that
      if everyone doesn't eat at McDonalds at least as often as
      they should then the terrorists will win so the fate of the
      world hinged on us showing that ad.

(One of the burning cats shoots past like a comet.)

      KIBO
      Wow, that was close!  Now it's time to sample the mail
      our viewers have been sending in.

(The Moon moves into view behind KIBO.  A trapdoor in it
pops open, like a cuckoo clock, and an articulated robot arm
comes out and hands KIBO a letter.  He opens it.)

      KIBO
      Today's letter is from someone at the KiddieSoft
      Corporation in Seattle.  It says, "Dear Kibo, what's with
      all the Hitler references?"  You're right... we forgot to
      mention Hitler in this episode about evil scary things. 
      We'll try to be better about Hitler in the future.  Now
      these messages.

(CUT TO:)

("DENNY'S" sign)

(music: perky)

      NARRATOR
      (voiceover)
      It's time for breakfast at Denny's!

(Interior of Denny's.  A PREPPY MAN and PREPPY WOMAN enter
and a WAITRESS meets them.)

      PREPPY MAN
      Table for two, please.

      WAITRESS
      Smoking or non-smoking?

(We see an area of the restaurant where all the tables on
the right side of the screen are covered by a thick cloud of
cigarette smoke which somehow stays away from the other tables.)

      PREPPY MAN
      Non-smoking, please.

      WAITRESS
      One-sided table or two?

(We see a bunch of normal tables on the right, and some
Mobius-strip-shaped ones on the left.  A BUSBOY is setting
out silverware on one of the flat tables, and he puts some
on the top and some on the underside.)

      PREPPY WOMAN
      Regular two-sided table, please.

      WAITRESS
      And... one Hitler or two?

      PREPPY MAN & WOMAN
      (together)
      Whaaaaaat?

      WAITRESS
      (perky)
      At Denny's, Hitler always eats free!

      ONE HITLER AND TWO HITLERS
      (all together)
      An order of onion rings for everyone!  That guy will pay
      for it!

      PREPPY MAN
      No I won't.  We're leaving.

      WAITRESS
      Shot as you try to escape, or beaten to death?

("DENNY'S" sign)

      NARRATOR
      (voiceover)
      Denny's.  There is no escape!

(CUT TO:)

(burst of static, as if a channel knob is being wrenched around)

(CUT TO:)

(We are looking down at a toilet.  A hand reaches in and
flushes it.  The swirly water turns into a picture of Hitler
as it spirals away.)

      NARRATOR
      (voiceover)
      2000 Flushes, now with Hitler!

(CUT TO:)

(burst of static)

(CUT TO:)

(A SECOND PREPPY MAN and SECOND PREPPY WOMAN are eating dessert.
She is eating ice cream.  We can't see what he is eating.)

      SECOND PREPPY WOMAN
      This ice cream tastes worse than Hitler!

      SECOND PREPPY MAN
      You're right.  Try some of mine!

(We see that he has been using a spoon to scoop out HITLER's
brains, as HITLER's head sticks up through a hole in the
table.  She reaches over and takes a spoonful and eats it.)

      SECOND PREPPY WOMAN
      Wow, that's good Hitler!

      HITLER
      Look for me in your grocer's freezer!

(CUT TO:)

(burst of static)

(CUT TO:)

(a naked HITLER all puffy and bloated, with a diagonal grid
embossed on his skin)

      HITLER
      I'm quilted for comfort!  Squeeze me!

(Hands reach in from offscreen, but MR. WHIPPLE enters and
slaps the hands away from HITLER.)

      MR. WHIPPLE
      Please don't squeeze the Hitler!

(CUT TO:)

(burst of static)

(CUT TO:)

(Card reading "EMERGENCY BROADCAST TEST")

      NARRATOR
      (voiceover)
      This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.

(A close-up of HITLER's face flashes on the screen for a fraction
of a second.)

      NARRATOR
      (voiceover)
      This concludes our test.  Now back to our regular
      programming.

(CUT TO:)

(Establishing shot of an airport.  We hear planes taking off
and landing.)

(CUT TO:)

(Interior airport terminal.  A BUSINESSMAN is about to go
through the metal detector.)

      SECURITY GUARD
      (boredly)
      Empty your pockets, please.

(The BUSINESSMAN dumps a lot of stuff into a margarine tub. 
The SECURITY GUARD paws through it.)

      SECURITY GUARD
      (suddenly excited at finding something small in the tub)
      Whoa!  Hold it!  You're not allowed to have these nail
      clippers.  I'm going to have to take them away and burn
      them.  Now proceed to cubicle seven for a strip-search, I'll
      get the wire brush...

(CUT TO:)

(Card reading "TWO HOURS LATER")

(CUT TO:)

(The BUSINESSMAN is on a plane.  A HIJACKER stands up
holding a bomb.)

      HIJACKER
      I'm going to blow up this entire plane unless someone
      can trim my painful hangnail!

(ZOOM IN ON face of BUSINESSMAN.)

(Sound effect:  "Boingggggggg")

(CUT TO:)

(Kibo, still floating in space)

      KIBO
      Of course, that's just an exaggeration.  At most
      airports, they don't burn nail clippers, they just saw them
      in half and only confiscate the useful part.  Incidentally,
      because we're most of the way through this Halloween
      episode, it's time to bring out our special visitor who will
      be reappearing less than two months from now...

(SANTA flies past in his sleigh.)

      SANTA
      Ho ho ho!

(SANTA's sleigh exits.)

      KIBO
      Yes, it's Santa Claus.  There are only so many days
      until Christmas, and remember, Santa knows whether you've
      been bad or good!

(DISSOLVE TO:)

(Bedroom, night.  A LITTLE GIRL is sleeping.  SANTA climbs
in through the window stealthily.  He takes a power drill
out of his sack and drills a hole in her skull.  He inserts
a dipstick and pulls it out.  We see that the blood comes up
to the 11-inch mark.)

      LITTLE GIRL
      (just waking up)
      What's happening?

      SANTA
      Little girl, this shows that you were naughty eleven
      months ago.

      LITTLE GIRL
      (groggily)
      Whaa?

      SANTA
      Apparently you had an impure thought way back then.

      LITTLE GIRL
      What's an impure thought?

      SANTA
      You saw a jar of cookies in the kitchen and thought
      about whether you should take one without asking Mommy.

      LITTLE GIRL
      But I didn't take one!

      SANTA
      No, but you thought about it.  Now if you'll excuse me,
      I have to fill all your clothes with coal.

(He goes over to where a giant spigot is sticking out of the
bedroom wall.  He turns the handle an a two-foot-wide lump
of coal falls out.  Suddenly, all the walls burst and T
comes flying in with dozens of giant gumballs.  T begins
chasing SANTA around the room and kicking him.)

      LITTLE GIRL
      Mommy, mommy, I'm having a terrible nightmare!

      MOMMY
      (offscreen, in the next room)
      No you're not!  Go back to sleep or I'll make you wear a
      fluffy white angora sweater!

(EINSTEIN pokes his head out from under the bed.)

      EINSTEIN
      I'm hiding under the bed because I'm scared of all these
      scary things.

      LITTLE GIRL
      But, Einstein, there are even more scary monsters under
      the bed.

      EINSTEIN
      Yeah, but it's too dark for me to see them.

      LITTLE GIRL
      Oh.  In that case, watch this...

(CUT TO:)

(Title card:  "COMMON TYPES OF SCARY MONSTERS")

(CUT TO:)

(Scratchy footage of a wood-paneled wall, possibly a rumpus
room.  Slow jazz music is playing.  CAMERA SLOWLY PANS RIGHT
throughout this segment.  The field of view slowly moves
across a GENERIC CLOWN.  Then another CLOWN.  And another
CLOWN.)

(CUT TO:)

(The Fright Flasher strobes full-screen as the Horror Horn
blares.)

(CUT TO:)

(CAMERA CONTINUES PANNING, to reveal RONALD McDONALD.  Zoom
in on his face.)

      RONALD McDONALD
      Ho!  Ho!  Ho!

(CUT TO:)

(Fright Flasher and Horror Horn.)

(CUT TO:)

(Wider shot of RONALD McDONALD.  We see that standing in a
big circle around him are the HAZMAT GUYS.)

(CUT TO:)

(Fright Flasher and Horror Horn.)

(CUT TO:)

(RONALD farts.  All the HAZMAT GUYS drop dead.  A GREEN BLOB,
T, EINSTEIN, SANTA CLAUS, the LITTLE GIRL, the PSYCHIATRISTS,
the PIRATE, JON VOIGHT, some BURNING CATS, several GUMBALLS,
BIZARRO, QUILTED HITLER, and TONY RANDALL enter and chase
RONALD back and forth at triple speed.)

(Music: "Benny Hill" theme)

      KIBO
      (voiceover)
      No, no, stop the show, it's getting stupid again.

(CUT TO:)

(EINSTEIN is back in the asylum in his straitjacket,
strapped to the chair.  The TV is showing "The Special
Show!" logo.  The TV explodes.)

(CUT TO:)

(The CONSUMER is in his living room looking at a TV showing
a picture of EINSTEIN seeing his TV explode.   The CONSUMER's
TV explodes.)

(CUT TO:)

(The FUTURISTIC GUY is watching a futuristic-looking TV
showing the CONSUMER watching EINSTEIN.  The futuristic TV
explodes.)

(CUT TO:)

(RONALD McDONALD explodes.  He turns into a cloud of white
powder which blows all over the place.  Wind noises.)

(FADE TO WHITE.)

(Wind noises continue a while.  We faintly hear the Horror Horn.)

(THE END)


------------------------------------------------------------------------

                                    -- K.

                                       I think we should force
                                       Osama bin Laden to watch
                                       this show.  Both the regular
                                       version, and one with an
                                       all-Ronald McDonald cast.
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Last revised
September 11, 2007
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