I had been wondering whether or not I had ever posted this one, because it was my favorite but nobody seemed to appreciate my callbacks to it, so when the time was right I found it and released it three years late.
From: James "Kibo" Parry (email@example.com) Subject: Special Show (new, sort of): Episode Number Other Eight Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 23:42:08 -0400 Ben Wolfson (firstname.lastname@example.org) wrote: > > Did we miss a Special Show or Einstein story or something? Am I > insane for thinking that they're annual events? Waah waah waah! Let the baby have his lost episode of "The Special Show"! Here's something that's been sitting around here getting stale. I wrote this in March 2000, and forgot to post it. It's allegedly episode #8, but it should really be before the other one which was posted as episode #8. And yes, Ben, you are insane for thinking about "The Special Show". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kibo presents: T H E S P E C I A L S H O W ! Episode #8: "Why Does It Have This Title?" INTERIOR ASYLUM (A MENTAL PATIENT in a straightjacket is sleeping peacefully in a room covered with white padding. A NURSE, who looks like a female President Eisenhower in an all-white uniform, roughly wakes him.) NURSE Wake up! It's time for you to watch "The Special Show"! And now it's in 3-D! (She holds a hankie soaked in chloroform over his nose and mouth. He struggles and passes out.) FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: INTERIOR ASYLUM (The MENTAL PATIENT wakes up. There is a white box about six feet on each side sitting in the cell with him. The front has a frosted glass window through which two actors can be vaguely seen.) MARTIN LANDAU For the love of God, let us out! BARBARA BAIN They didn't make any airholes! MARTIN LANDAU It smells really bad in here! BARBARA BAIN Martin has diarrhea! MARTIN LANDAU And I hate her! BARBARA BAIN Please let us out before we die! (The MENTAL PATIENT begins laughing and doesn't stop. The NURSE, who has been peering into the padded room through a little window in the door, nods in satisfaction and moves to the next padded cell, which contains a MAD SCIENTIST in a straitjacket. Some scientific papers are lying on the floor.) NURSE And how are we this morning? MAD SCIENTIST I have invented a machine for transmitting three- dimensional television without killing Martin Landau and Barbara Bain. (The NURSE picks up the papers and examines them briefly.) NURSE Why, your research can't possibly be worth thinking about, because it hasn't been published in a peer-reviewed journal. I'm afraid you'll have to leave. (The NURSE pushes open a hidden door in the padded wall, revealing a lush green field with flowers, and pushes the MAD SCIENTIST out. She slams the door behind him.) EXTERIOR LUSH GREEN FIELD (The MAD SCIENTIST runs through the field, still wearing the straitjacket. He comes to a building with a sign that says "PEER-REVIEWED JOURNAL OF THE MAD SCIENTISTS" and goes in.) INTERIOR JOURNAL OF MAD SCIENTISTS BUILDING (Several CRACKPOTS dressed as Napoleon are running around aimlessly, waving their arms and screaming. Another CRACKPOT is trying to get a cat to drink from a bottle of Pepsi. One more CRACKPOT is hitting himself in the face repeatedly with a Ping-Pong paddle. Our MAD SCIENTIST approaches an EDITOR at a desk.) EDITOR I'm sorry, but we cannot publish your research. It is well-thought-out and reasonable. Furthermore, to preserve our reigning spirit of scientific unorthodoxy, we must suppress your non-crazy ideas. (The EDITOR pushes a big red button on his desk. A large hook enters from offscreen and drags the MAD SCIENTIST off by the neck. It pulls him through the lush green field and back into the padded cell. The hook retracts into a little trapdoor in the forehead of the NURSE.) NURSE And what have we learned today? MAD SCIENTIST Being crazy is hard! NURSE This will help... (turning on a white TV set) You can watch today's exciting episode of "The Special Show"! MAD SCIENTIST Yay! Here comes the title sequence! (The revolving chrome logo of "The Special Show" appears on the screen. CAMERA ZOOMS IN so that it fills the screen.) OPENING TITLES. CUT TO: INTERIOR SUPERCONDUCTING SUPERCOLLIDER TUNNEL (Our host, KIBO, is standing in an abandoned atom-smasher tunnel, wearing a yellow rain slicker, rubber galoshes, and carrying an open umbrella.) KIBO Hello, and welcome to an unusually special episode of "The Special Show"! This episode is all about the wonders of mad science! It is scientifically designed to be as unscientific as possible! Let's watch. CUT TO: SCRATCHY BLACK AND WHITE STOCK FOOTAGE OF ALBERT EINSTEIN (ALBERT EINSTEIN is speaking into a microphone. A large caption at the bottom of the screen says "ALBERT EINSTEIN".) EINSTEIN Choozink a cranberry juice is confoozink! ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Albert Einstein, you have just won the Nobel Prize for being too stupid to find a cranberry juice that doesn't taste bad! What are you going to do now? EINSTEIN I'm going to Disney World... via time machine! (EINSTEIN puts on a pair of sunglasses with four pinwheels sticking out of the temples. He disappears.) CUT TO: EXTERIOR PREHISTORIC SWAMP (Meteors are streaking through the sky and the horizon is wall-to-wall volcanoes. EINSTEIN materializes. He takes off his glasses and looks around and. We see a sign which says "ON THIS SPOT DISNEY WORLD WILL BE CONSTRUCTED IN 65 MILLION YEARS." He looks up and we see a brontosaur with Mickey Mouse ears. It roars and tries to bite him. He dodges and runs to the tail end of the brontosaur. Its twenty-foot-long tail tapers to a really fine point, like a mouse's. He reaches out and breaks off the very tip. The brontosaur howls and drops dead. EINSTEIN pops the tail tip into his mouth and eats it. It's crunchy.) EINSTEIN Mmm! The tip is the best part of the dinosaur! I'm gonna get me another brontosaur! ANNOUNCER (V.O.) That was the last dinosaur! Albert Einstein, you've just rendered dinosaurs extinct forever! What are you going to do now? EINSTEIN I'm going to travel further back in time! ANNOUNCER (V.O.) To save the dinosaurs? EINSTEIN No, to make them go extinct again! Ta-ta! (He puts on his time sunglasses and vanishes.) FADE OUT. FADE IN: INTERIOR SUPERCONDUCTING SUPERCOLLIDER TUNNEL KIBO Just think, if cranberry juice tasted better, dinosaurs would still be the dominant species on Earth! CUT TO: INTERIOR WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE (The PRESIDENT is seated at his desk so that we see only the back of his chair. An AIDE enters.) AIDE Mr. President... PRESIDENT (turning around) Yes? (The PRESIDENT is a brontosaurus.) AIDE Here are the bills you need to sign. PRESIDENT (taking bills) Thank you. (He eats them.) AIDE Also, the Chinese Trade Delegation is here. (Six CHINESE DELEGATES enter as the AIDE exits.) PRESIDENT Welcome to the White House. I'm the President. (He sits on them. A GENERAL bursts into the room.) GENERAL Mr. President, I'm bored, and I'd like to launch all the nuclear missiles! PRESIDENT Sure, go ahead. GENERAL Sir, YOU have to enter the twelve-digit security code into the master console. PRESIDENT But my brain is the size of a walnut. GENERAL Then I guess we just won't be able to have any nuclear wars ever, because YOU'RE STUPID! (CLOSE-UP of a tear running down the cheek of PRESIDENT BRONTOSAURUS.) CUT TO: INTERIOR SUPERCONDUCTING SUPERCOLLIDER TUNNEL KIBO Well, I hope you just learned a valuable lesson about allowing dinosaurs to rule the world. We've got another thrilling dramatization of the wonders of mad science coming up on "The Special Show", except that I haven't cast the special guest star yet. If you'll excuse me, I'll do that now. (He exits the tunnel.) CUT TO: INTERIOR TINY OFFICE (KIBO sits down at a cheap desk in front of a wall that is blank except for a sign saying "OFFICE" and a small window. He picks up a pencil and holds it over a sheet of paper for a moment, unable to think of anything to write. Then a tiny light bulb that goes "ding!" appears above his head.) KIBO (writing a letter) Dear... Potsie... please... be... on... my... show. (A much larger light bulb that makes a louder "DING!" appears above Kibo's head.) KIBO (writing another letter) Dear... Potsie... please... disregard... previous... letter. POTSIE (sticking his head in the window) Hey Kibo, am I disregarding the right letter? KIBO OH NO! THIS IS THE EPISODE FEATURING POTSIE! (FLASHY ANIMATED TITLES: "THE EPISODE FEATURING POTSIE") CUT TO: INTERIOR SUPERCONDUCTING SUPERCOLLIDER TUNNEL KIBO Well, "The Special Show" is proud to present the following sketch about science, even if it has to prominently feature Potsie. CUT TO: INTERIOR OBSERVATORY (Two SCIENTISTS are seated at instruments at the opposite ends of a large observatory on a remote mountaintop. The FIRST SCIENTIST looks at a bank of dials that are going up and down, and back and forth, at a frantic pace.) FIRST SCIENTIST Hmm... I have detected a mysterious force... (The SECOND SCIENTIST looks into a telescope lens and sees a starfield, with a large still picture of POTSIE's face moving into the center of the image.) SECOND SCIENTIST Hmm... I have detected an unknown object... BOTH SCIENTISTS (together) I must inform the world of the dangers! (They grab some papers, run towards each other and collide, falling on the floor and scattering their papers.) SECOND SCIENTIST You got your mysterious force in my unknown object! FIRST SCIENTIST You got your unknown object in my mysterious force! (They both reach to pick up the same sheet of paper and their eyes meet.) BOTH SCIENTISTS (together) Hey!!! (turning to look directly into the camera) It's The Potsie Force! (They scream as an invisible force yanks them out into space through windows.) CUT TO: FLICKERY TV IMAGE NEWS ANCHOR Scientists are unsure about how The Potsie Force works, because by a coincidence everyone who understands The Potsie Force has been hurled into outer space. Hmm... wait a minute... obviously, The Potsie Force only affects people who understand The Potsie Force! Yaaaaaaaaaa... (he is yanked off the top of the screen) CUT TO: EXTERIOR SUBURBAN STREET (An ice cream truck is driving slowly through the neighborhood, playing happy music. Loudspeakers on top are conveying an important announcement.) ICE CREAM TRUCK VOICE (V.O.) This is an important message from your government... Do not think about The Potsie Force... Repeat, do not think about The Potsie Force... AAAAACKKK!!! (A MAN flies out through the roof of the ice cream truck and disappears into the sky. The now-driverless truck crashes into a lamp post and the back doors pop open, spilling ice cream novelties all over the street. Several kids come running and grab ice cream.) FIRST KID Yay! Free ice cream! SECOND KID I like free ice cream! THIRD KID It's great that we're getting free ice cream because of The Potsie Force! (The KIDS all scream as they fly off into space.) CUT TO: EXTERIOR BIG CITY (POTSIE is walking down the street encountering other pedestrians.) POTSIE Hi, I'm Potsie! PEDESTRIAN Aren't you that guy who has a planet that looks like his head that sucks people out into space if they understand that? What's that called, isn't it something like The Fonzie Force? POTSIE It's The Potsie Force! PEDESTRIAN Oh, I see... YAAAAAGH!!! (he is hurled away.) POTSIE (shouting upwards) I don't understand it myself! Sorry! CUT TO: OUTER SPACE (Various people are flying through space. They land on the surface of a planet shaped like POTSIE's head. Dozens of people are stranded there.) FIRST PERSON I have to go to the bathroom! SECOND PERSON Don't be silly! There are no bathrooms on Planet Potsie! FIRST PERSON Oh, how I wish I could go to the bathroom on Potsie! (POTSIE falls on top of the FIRST PERSON.) POTSIE I just figured it out! Sorry! CUT TO: INTERIOR SUPERCONDUCTING SUPERCOLLIDER TUNNEL KIBO "The Special Show" now presents one last item for your enjoyment. You should especially enjoy this one because it's not even about mad science. CUT TO: INTERIOR TUBBYTRONIC SUPERDOME (The purple Teletubby, TINKY-WINKY, is cavorting around the Tubbytronic Superdome while twirling his purse.) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Tinky-Winky was happy to be himself. TINKY-WINKY I wike fire twucks... Twa wa wa... (There is a groaning noise and the sound of steel beams ripping. The Tubbytronic Superdome collapses. A huge block of granite falls on TINKY-WINKY's lower body.) TINKY-WINKY Uh-oh... my wegs are cwushed! ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Tinky-Winky's legs were crushed! TINKY-WINKY I am in excwuciating pain! To pass the time until this block of granite goes away, I will compose a happy song titled "At Wong Wast Wuv"! (begins singing) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The song proved to be cursed, crushing the legs of all those who sang "At Wong Wast Wuv"! CUT TO: INTERIOR STAGE (COLE PORTER is singing "At Wong Wast Wuv". From offstage, a catapult hurls a draft horse at him. It crushes his legs.) CUT TO: INTERIOR OF A DIFFERENT STAGE (KATE SMITH is singing "At Wong Wast Wuv". A dump truck slowly backs up onto the stage, making beeping noises. It slowly raises its dumper. Several cars crushed into cubes fall on KATE SMITH's legs.) CUT TO: INTERIOR YET ANOTHER STAGE (MICHAEL STIPE is about to perform.) MICHAEL STIPE And now, I will sing this next song while standing behind this lead panel that covers my body from the pelvis upwards. (He begins to sing "At Wong Wast Wuv". Somewhere, there is a nuclear explosion. His legs are vaporized.) CUT TO: INTERIOR FOURTH STAGE (MICHAEL JACKSON is breakdancing while singing "At Wong Wast Wuv". His legs burst into flame.) CUT TO: INTERIOR POWDER ROOM (In an enormous powder room encrusted with gold, CYBILL SHEPHERD, MADELEINE KAHN, BURT REYNOLDS, and DULIO DEL PRENTE are dancing while singing "At Wong Wast Wuv". They continue singing and dancing for several minutes. Then, clouds part and the Hand of God reaches down and crushes their legs.) CUT TO: INTERIOR TUBBYTRONIC SUPERDOME TINKY-WINKY Tank you, God! (While still lying under the granite block, he begins to sing "Mack the Knife" to himself.) FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: INTERIOR SUPERCONDUCTING SUPERCOLLIDER TUNNEL KIBO And that's the end of "The Special Show" for tonight! Thank you for watching, and remember, don't think about Potsie! Hey, that reminds me... (KIBO exits.) CUT TO: INTERIOR TINY OFFICE (KIBO sits down at the desk.) KIBO (writing) Dear... Potsie... thank... you... for... being... on... my... show... now... your... services... are... no... longer... needed... ever... again. (KIBO takes the note and exits.) CUT TO: INTERIOR BATHROOM (POTSIE is sitting on the toilet. Kibo's note is slipped under the door. POTSIE picks it up and reads it aloud.) POTSIE Dear... Potsie... thank... you... for... being... on... my... show... now... your... services... are... no... longer... needed... ever... again. (He takes a gun out from under the toilet tank and puts it to his head. However, a second note is slipped under the door. POTSIE reads it while holding the gun to his head.) POTSIE Dear... Potsie... please... ignore... previous... message... don't... kill... yourself... just... sing... "At... Wong... Wast... Wuv". (thinking for a second) Okie dokie! (POTSIE sings. Suddenly, the Planet Potsie falls on him, crushing his entire body and twelve surrounding counties.) CUT TO: SPINNING NEWSPAPER: "POTSIE DIES ON TOILET" CUT TO: INTERIOR ASYLUM (The NURSE is in the cell with the MAD SCIENTIST. She turns off the white TV.) NURSE So you see, you can't go to the bathroom on Potsie. But Potsie can crush Potsie in the bathroom. MAD SCIENTIST Ah... I... UNDERSTAND. (There is an awkward pause as they both look anxiously at a window we haven't noticed before in this padded cell. Outside, rabbits are hopping around in the green field. Nobody is sucked out after he says "understand".) NURSE It's okay to understand "The Special Show". But, as part of your special therapy, I'm afraid you'll have to watch it again until you stop understanding it. (She switches the TV on again. It shows "The Special Show"'s revolving chrome logo as she exits. She goes over to the other padded room with the big 3-D TV and looks in through the small window in the door.) KIBO (flickery image on the front of the 3-D TV) Well, that's all for "The Special Show"'s first 3-D broadcast. Now, back to Martin Landau and Barbara Bain. (KIBO's image disappears, revealing two skeletons standing inside the large box.) MENTAL PATIENT Funny! Funny! TINKY-WINKY (his legs pinned under the box) Again! Again! FADE TO BLACK. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) "The Special Show" is a television production! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm pretty sure I didn't already post this or put it on my Web site, but if I did let me know and I'll take it away before Ben Wolfson sees it. Thanks. -- K. I also have various unfinished ones which aren't yet special enough to post, but this one was supposed to have already been posted, which is why I've been making callbacks to it for over two years. I'll stop now.
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