Ninth (I think) in the series of special TV broadcasts.

And please don't complain that I'm not using the standard script format used in the TV industry. This isn't "standard" TV, this is special TV!




                          Kibo presents

                    -------------------------
                    THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!!
                    -------------------------

                      "The Pickle Episode!"
                    broadcast on May 26, 2003

              (C) Copyright 2003 James "Kibo" Parry



FADE IN.

(We are in an insane asylum.  Everything is covered with white
padding.  A NURSE, who looks like a female version of 400-pound
Gerard Depardieu, wheels in a white plastic TV set on a rolling cart.
She stops the cart so it is facing sideways -- we can't see the TV screen.)

        NURSE
        (talking to the camera)
        You were very good today and you ate all your applesauce.
        So now you get to watch "The Special Show".

(She switches on the TV.)


CUT TO:


(A Viking ship on the high seas.  Our host, KIBO, is standing on the prow,
in a fur cape and horned helmet.)

        KIBO
        (to the camera)
        Hello, I'm Kibo, and welcome to "The Special Show",
        the only TV show produced exclusively for people
        who are special and/or very special.

(The ship's STENOGRAPHER looks up from her keyboard.)

        STENOGRAPHER
        (to Kibo)
        Does "and slash or" count as one word or two?

        KIBO
        I get paid by the word, don't I?

        STENOGRAPHER
        Two, then.

        KIBO
        Please read that back.

        STENOGRAPHER
        The nurse said, "You were very good today and you
        ate all your applesauce.  So now you get to watch
        'The Special Show'."  Then she turned on the TV
        but it was facing away from us so that we don't know
        if you're supposed to be on the TV screen or if you
        just happen to be sailing this Viking ship around
        somewhere else at the same time that the nurse was
        turning on the TV.  In other words, it's unclear
        whether you're fictional or real relative to the asylum.

        KIBO
        Good, that will confuse people who think too much.
        (to the camera)
        Tonight's episode may shock you.  It may inform you.
        It may even be something that nobody will understand
        but you.  Now, listen closely to the announcer.


CUT TO:


(BLACK SCREEN)

        ANNOUNCER
        (voice-over)
        The following is a true story.


CUT TO:


(EINSTEIN is writing on a pad of paper while seated at a small desk.
There is a loud fart noise.  He looks into the camera.)

        EINSTEIN
        (proudly)
        I farted!


CUT TO:


(BLACK SCREEN)

        ANNOUNCER
        (voice-over)
        The following is also true.


CUT TO:


(A CLOWN is riding a penny-farthing bicycle down the street.
He waves at us.  The bicycle is towing a little red wagon filled
with human skulls.)


CUT TO:


(BLACK SCREEN)

        ANNOUNCER
        (voice-over)
        And following is true.


CUT TO:


(Close-up of CHIMP screeching, seen through a window in something
green and lumpy.  With a whoosh, CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that
the chimp is inside a pickle inside a plastic wrapper marked
"CHIMP IN A PICKLE, 25c".)


CUT TO:


(BLACK SCREEN)

        ANNOUNCER
        (voice-over)
        And that is why you should never believe your TV
        when it tells you something is a true story.
        (pause)  The following is a true story.


CUT TO:


(Interior of an office.  A CONGRESSMAN is sitting behind a huge desk.
A small sign on the desk reads "LOCAL CONGRESSMAN".)

(In the corridor, MICHAEL JACKSON enters.  He is wearing his shiny red
Panamanian dictator outfit, with the gold-plated codpiece and one
rhinestone glove.  He puts on a Spider-Man mask and enters the office.)

        CONGRESSMAN
        Who are you?

        MICHAEL JACKSON
        I'm Michael Jackson, and I want you to build more
        Taco Bells near here.

        CONGRESSMAN
        Okay.

(MICHAEL JACKSON exits.  SPIDER-MAN swings in through the window.
He puts on a Michael Jackson mask.)

        CONGRESSMAN
        Who are you?

        SPIDER-MAN
        I'm Spider-Man -- excuse me, I mean I'm Michael Jackson --
        and I want you to ban Taco Bell.

        CONGRESSMAN
        Okay.

(SPIDER-MAN takes off his mask.)

        CONGRESSMAN
        Wait a minute, you're not Michael Jackson,
        you're The Amazing Spider-Man!

(SUPERMAN enters, smashing through a wall.)

        SUPERMAN
        And I'm Superman!

        CONGRESSMAN
        Holy cow!  At last we can answer the question,
        "Who would win in a fight between Spider-Man and Superman?"

        ANNOUNCER
        (voice-over)
        Yes, who would win in a fight between Spider-Man
        and Superman?

        SUPERMAN
        I can bend steel in my bare hands!


CUT TO:


(FUZZY-EDGED FLASHBACK)

(At the beach, SUPERMAN picks up a submarine and ties it into a
balloon animal, then tosses it to a woman in a bikini, crushing her.)


CUT TO:


(Office, continued)

        SPIDER-MAN
        I can make string!

(He squirts some limp string onto the floor.)

        SUPERMAN
        I can kill people just by looking at them!


CUT TO:


(FUZZY-EDGED FLASHBACK)

(SUPERMAN and a BURGLAR -- who is wearing a striped shirt and
domino mask and is holding a bag of cash in each hand -- are standing
a block apart.  SUPERMAN looks at the BURGLAR.  A red line is drawn
between them for a tenth of a second.  It goes "beep".  The BURGLAR's
entire body bursts into flame and he rolls around screaming while
SUPERMAN watches.)


CUT TO:


(Office, continued)

        SPIDER-MAN
        I can make string with BOTH hands!

(He squirts two jets of string onto the floor.)

        SUPERMAN
        I am completely invulnerable and indestructible!


CUT TO:


(FUZZY-EDGED FLASHBACK)

(SUPERMAN is in Paris)

        GENDARME
        Superman!  Ze Eiffel Tower, she is going to explode!

        SUPERMAN
        (pushing him aside)
        Stand back, Frenchy!

(SUPERMAN grabs one leg of the tower, lifts the whole tower,
and shoves it up his butt.  It disappears inside him.  There is
a muffled "bang".)

        SUPERMAN
        (being cool)
        Eh, I could do that all day.


CUT TO:


(Office, continued)

        SPIDER-MAN
        My mask has sunglasses built in.

        SUPERMAN
        I can lift up the entire Earth and hurl it into the Sun.


CUT TO:


(FUZZY-EDGED FLASHBACK)

(SUPERMAN bends over and grabs the Earth.  He lifts it up, twirls it
above his head, and hurls it into the Sun.  SUPERMAN is left standing
in outer space.  He points at the Sun and laughs.)


CUT TO:


(Office, continued)

        SPIDER-MAN
        My unitard has lines on it.

        SUPERMAN
        Oh, heck with it, I'll just crush your head and
        turn it into a diamond.

        CONGRESSMAN
        (boredly)
        I've seen you do that trick before.

        SUPERMAN
        A baseball diamond.

(He squeezes SPIDER-MAN's head, and there is a crunching sound and smoke
comes out, and lo and behold, his head turns into a tiny baseball park,
complete with tiny players playing the World Series.)

(MICHAEL JACKSON pokes his head in through the door.)

        MICHAEL JACKSON
        Hey, has anybody seen my chimp?  I think I left
        him in a pickle.

(EINSTEIN also appears in the doorway.)

        EINSTEIN
        Excuse me, but I farted.  In a pickle.


CUT TO:


(The screeching CHIMP is still behind the window in the pickle, but now
he's waving his hands in front of his face because of the swirling
yellow vapor inside the pickle.  CAMERA PULLS BACK to show the clown on
the bicycle riding up to the pickle.  He opens the front of the pickle
like a door and gets inside with the chimp.  He pulls down a roller shade
to cover the window.  The shade says "DO NOT DISTURB".  The theme from
"Love Story" begins to play.)


CUT TO:


(Office, continued)

        CONGRESSMAN
        This is starting to get a little weird.

        SUPERMAN
        Yeah, and I'm tired of baseball.  I think I'll
        crush his head into something else.

(SUPERMAN crushes SPIDER-MAN's head again.  It turns into a TV set.
The screen fills with static for a moment and then displays the title,
"THE SPECIAL SHOW".)

        ANNOUNCER
        (voice-over, on TV)
        THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!!

        CONGRESSMAN
        I don't think we're allowed to watch that.  Only very
        special people are allowed to watch "The Special Show".

        SUPERMAN
        Then why isn't anyone stopping us?

        CONGRESSMAN
        (close-up)
        I don't know.  They're letting us watch for some reason...

(CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that the CONGRESSMAN is in a straitjacket
in a padded cell.  SUPERMAN is there too, in a red and blue straitjacket
fastened with glowing green Kryptonite bicycle locks.  The TV set is
sitting on the floor, with SPIDER-MAN's empty leotard attached to the
bottom of it.)

        SUPERMAN
        Hey, Spider-Man escaped.

        CONGRESSMAN
        I guess that means he wins!

(CAMERA PULLS BACK through a window and is now outside the padded cell.
Two PSYCHIATRISTS are taking notes on clipboards.)

        FIRST PSYCHIATRIST
        Looks like we caught another two.

        SECOND PSYCHIATRIST
        And we got a free TV set.

        FIRST PSYCHIATRIST
        Can I take that empty unitard home for my kids?

        SECOND PSYCHIATRIST
        Sure, why not?  Spider-Man doesn't need it --
        he's just a fictional character.

(SUPERMAN puts his face up to the window.)

        SUPERMAN
        Hey, let us out!

(EINSTEIN's face also appears in the window.)

        EINSTEIN
        Fart number three!

(The CLOWN rides his bike through the corridor past the padded cell.
He is still towing the little red wagon, but instead of a pile of
human skulls, KIBO is sitting in the wagon.  KIBO gets out and the clown
rides away.)

        KIBO
        I'd just like to take a moment to say that although
        this entire episode has been claimed to be a true story,
        it was only partly true, and in should in no way be held
        against the excellent quality of television journalism.
        And now, the news.


CUT TO:


(TV news broadcast.  The two ANCHORS are shuffling stacks of papers and
tapping them against the desk to square them up.  The FIRST ANCHOR looks at
the SECOND ANCHOR and thumps the papers against the desk very hard. The
SECOND ANCHOR looks back and thumps the papers harder.  They go back and
forth a few times until the FIRST ANCHOR smashes the desk.  He jumps to his
feet and starts running around in circles with his fists over his head.)

        FIRST ANCHOR
        I win!  I win!

        SECOND ANCHOR
        Our top story tonight...  A traffic accident
        has killed over five hundred billion people.
        We go live to the scene of the accident.

(The two ANCHORS walk out the door.  CAMERA FOLLOWS them down the street.
They walk across town.  They keep walking for eighty minutes.  Every moment
of it is shown.  They arrive at a stretch of pavement with a red "X"
painted on it.)

        FIRST ANCHOR
        We have arrived at the scene where the accident was.

        SECOND ANCHOR
        And now, back to the studio.

(They walk back to the TV studio.  It takes another eighty minutes.
They arrive just as two sweaty TEAMSTERS are pushing a new newsdesk
into place, and they take their seats behind it.)

        FIRST ANCHOR
        This is the fourth desk used in tonight's episode
        of "The Special Show".

        SECOND ANCHOR
        It must be the show's main recurring theme.

        EINSTEIN
        (popping out of a desk drawer)
        I farted!

        MICHAEL JACKSON
        (in another drawer)
        I like Taco Bell!

        EINSTEIN
        Ay chihuahua!

        FIRST ANCHOR
        And now, the camera will pull back to reveal that
        this all takes place inside a giant pickle.

        SECOND ANCHOR
        Because, after all, the whole world is a pickle,
        and we're all chimps.

        MICHAEL JACKSON
        You don't look like chimps.

        EINSTEIN
        And this TV news studio doesn't look like the kind of
        TV news studio made entirely out of pickle guts.

        FIRST ANCHOR
        Camera will pull back now.

        SECOND ANCHOR
        Camera will pull back now.

(A pause -- nothing happens.)

        EINSTEIN
        Sorry, we have to stop the show.  I ran out of farts.

(The ANCHORS and MICHAEL JACKSON groan and walk off the set.
EINSTEIN climbs out of the desk drawer.  He walks over to the camera
and addresses it directly.)

        EINSTEIN
        It was a bad idea to base an entire episode
        on the idea that I, Albert Einstein, fart constantly.
        After all, I, Albert Einstein, fart no more often than
        any other great scientist.

(STEPHEN HAWKING zips past in a wheelchair making a constant fart noise.)

        EINSTEIN
        See what I mean?  Also, I don't get why the clown
        had all those skulls.  It would have been funnier
        with just one skull.

(He pulls a skull out of his pocket and holds it up.  It has a little
signpost attached to it saying "BOB HOPE'S SKULL".  BOB HOPE enters.
His head is all limp and floppy.)

        BOB HOPE
        Hey, give me back my skull.

        EINSTEIN
        Okay, I guess you're old enough to have it.

(He hands BOB HOPE his own skull.  BOB HOPE looks at it and is startled
by what he sees.  CAMERA ZOOMS IN on one eye socket of the skull and inside
is the screaming CHIMP.)

        BOB HOPE
        (freaked out)
        Eww!

(He hurls the skull to the floor, smashing it.  Then he squirts string
all over it from his wrists.)

        EINSTEIN
        Wait a moment -- I've got it!

        BOB HOPE
        What?

(EINSTEIN lifts his leg and farts very loudly.  Instantly, CAMERA PULLS
BACK to reveal that everything we've seen is inside a pickle in a
plastic packet marked "WORLD IN A PICKLE, 25c".  A hand reaches into frame
and unwraps the pickle.  We see that it is KIBO.  He takes a bite out of
the pickle.)

        KIBO
        (with his mouth full)
        I hope you've enjoyed the show so far, and learned
        something too.  And now, a further exploration of
        the nature of the Universe, styled as a lesson in
        mathematical topology.


CUT TO:


(The rolling hills of the English countryside)

        ANNOUNCER
        (voice-over)
        What would "The Benny Hill Show" be like
        if the Universe were a Möbius strip?

("Yakety Sax" plays while several women in their underwear chase a fat guy
across the field at triple speed.  They exit out of the left edge of the
frame and re-enter at the right edge, but now they are all inside out.
They fall down in the middle of the field and flop around aimlessly.)

        ANNOUNCER
        (voice-over)
        Ladies and gentlemen, "The Benny Hill Show" has been
        cancelled because Benny Hill got turned inside-out again.
        Now back to "The Special Show".


CUT TO:


(KIBO finishes eating the pickle)

        KIBO
        Well, we've all learned several things today.  First,
        that the Universe may or may not be a pickle, and second,
        that the Universe may or may not be a Möbius strip.
        In either case, it's always great to see Benny Hill doing
        what he does best, which is running around inside-out.
        And we've also learned that in a fight between two Spider-Man
        and Superman, there would be no real winners.  They should
        forget their differences and team up to host a talk show.


CUT TO:


(SPIDER-MAN and SUPERMAN are sitting in chairs on a talk show set.)

        SUPERMAN
        Tonight's topic:  Who's gayer, Batman or Robin?

        SPIDER-MAN
        Hmm... it depends.  Do you mean the animated Batman
        or the Adam West Batman?

        SUPERMAN
        The classical Batman.

        SPIDER-MAN
        The "Batman" of Petronius?  That was plenty gay.

        SUPERMAN
        I think you're thinking of the "Satyricon" of Petronius.

        SPIDER-MAN
        Oh.  Well, what was the title of that two-thousand-year-old
        Latin story about Batman and Robin having a wild gay orgy?

        SUPERMAN
        I don't know.  I don't read stupid comic books.

        SPIDER-MAN
        (turning to the camera)
        That's right, and neither should you.  Reading comic books
        will make you stupid!


CUT TO:


(EINSTEIN is at his desk.  He picks up a comic book and starts
reading it.  Immediately he becomes an idiot, and begins waving
his arms around and drooling.)

        EINSTEIN
        Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(EINSTEIN drops dead.  The two PSYCHIATRISTS rush in and check his pulse.)

        FIRST PSYCHIATRIST
        He's dead.

        SECOND PSYCHIATRIST
        He seems to have suffered from a fatal case of
        ruptured innards.

        FIRST PSYCHIATRIST
        Sadly, he became so stupid he forgot how to fart.

        SECOND PSYCHIATRIST
        We'll have to dispose of that comic book without
        looking at it or touching it.  But how?

        FIRST PSYCHIATRIST
        I know!  I've got Silly Putty!

(He pulls a large wad of Silly Putty out of his pocket and covers the
comic book with it.)

        SECOND PSYCHIATRIST
        That stuff doesn't really work.  If it really did take
        pictures from comics, there wouldn't be any pictures
        left on the comics.  It only works in the TV commercials.

        FIRST PSYCHIATRIST
        Yes, but we're on TV, so everything will work just as well
        as in TV commercials.

(He peels the putty off and shows that it now has a reversed picture
of the comic book, and the comic book is now blank.)

        SECOND PSYCHIATRIST
        Wait a minute... there are no commercials
        for Silly Putty!

(With a "ding", the picture disappears from the Silly Putty and reappears
on the comic book.)

        BOTH PSYCHIATRISTS
        (together)
        Augh!  We looked at it!  Duhhhhhh!
        Duhhhhhhhhhh!  Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(They flail their arms and drool.  CAMERA PULLS BACK through a window
to show that the two PSYCHIATRISTS are in a padded cell, and two NAPOLEONS
are looking in.)

        FIRST NAPOLEON
        Ze stoopeed psychiatrists!

        SECOND NAPOLEON
        Now zey are dumbair that evair!

        FIRST NAPOLEON
        Hey, what eez zat string?

(He grabs a tiny red fiber sticking out of the floor and pulls.
One of the walls unzips and falls away, revealing the highly-magnified
inside of a pickle.)

        BOTH NAPOLEONS
        (together)
        Augh!  Ze episode, it ees coming true!

(The CLOWN on the bike enters, towing a wagon containing EINSTEIN,
the CHIMP, and MICHAEL JACKSON wearing a Spider-Man mask.)

        CLOWN
        This has been a true story.  And now, the big ending.

(CAMERA FOLLOWS the CLOWN as he and his passengers ride past the edge of
the corridor set, past various TV cameras and lights and the two TEAMSTERS,
and then beyond that stuff there is blackness, so that as they past the last
of the cameras and lights the bike falls off the edge of the Earth.
The CLOWN, EINSTEIN, the CHIMP, and MICHAEL JACKSON scream as they fall
to infinity.  They dwindle to dots and disappear into solid blackness.
CAMERA PANS back to the TV studio.)

        KIBO
        That was tonight's episode of "The Special Show".
        And now, a documentary about how pickles are made.


CUT TO:


(Grainy, scratchy, washed-out eight-millimeter film footage of an assembly
line.  Green sludge is being poured into a big machine which is stamping
out pickles that go down a conveyor belt.  We watch pickles going past
for several hours.)


FADE OUT.
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Last revised
May 26, 2003
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