Ninth (I think) in the series of special TV broadcasts.
And please don't complain that I'm not using the standard script format used in the TV industry. This isn't "standard" TV, this is special TV!
Kibo presents ------------------------- THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!! ------------------------- "The Pickle Episode!" broadcast on May 26, 2003 (C) Copyright 2003 James "Kibo" Parry FADE IN. (We are in an insane asylum. Everything is covered with white padding. A NURSE, who looks like a female version of 400-pound Gerard Depardieu, wheels in a white plastic TV set on a rolling cart. She stops the cart so it is facing sideways -- we can't see the TV screen.) NURSE (talking to the camera) You were very good today and you ate all your applesauce. So now you get to watch "The Special Show". (She switches on the TV.) CUT TO: (A Viking ship on the high seas. Our host, KIBO, is standing on the prow, in a fur cape and horned helmet.) KIBO (to the camera) Hello, I'm Kibo, and welcome to "The Special Show", the only TV show produced exclusively for people who are special and/or very special. (The ship's STENOGRAPHER looks up from her keyboard.) STENOGRAPHER (to Kibo) Does "and slash or" count as one word or two? KIBO I get paid by the word, don't I? STENOGRAPHER Two, then. KIBO Please read that back. STENOGRAPHER The nurse said, "You were very good today and you ate all your applesauce. So now you get to watch 'The Special Show'." Then she turned on the TV but it was facing away from us so that we don't know if you're supposed to be on the TV screen or if you just happen to be sailing this Viking ship around somewhere else at the same time that the nurse was turning on the TV. In other words, it's unclear whether you're fictional or real relative to the asylum. KIBO Good, that will confuse people who think too much. (to the camera) Tonight's episode may shock you. It may inform you. It may even be something that nobody will understand but you. Now, listen closely to the announcer. CUT TO: (BLACK SCREEN) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) The following is a true story. CUT TO: (EINSTEIN is writing on a pad of paper while seated at a small desk. There is a loud fart noise. He looks into the camera.) EINSTEIN (proudly) I farted! CUT TO: (BLACK SCREEN) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) The following is also true. CUT TO: (A CLOWN is riding a penny-farthing bicycle down the street. He waves at us. The bicycle is towing a little red wagon filled with human skulls.) CUT TO: (BLACK SCREEN) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) And following is true. CUT TO: (Close-up of CHIMP screeching, seen through a window in something green and lumpy. With a whoosh, CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that the chimp is inside a pickle inside a plastic wrapper marked "CHIMP IN A PICKLE, 25c".) CUT TO: (BLACK SCREEN) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) And that is why you should never believe your TV when it tells you something is a true story. (pause) The following is a true story. CUT TO: (Interior of an office. A CONGRESSMAN is sitting behind a huge desk. A small sign on the desk reads "LOCAL CONGRESSMAN".) (In the corridor, MICHAEL JACKSON enters. He is wearing his shiny red Panamanian dictator outfit, with the gold-plated codpiece and one rhinestone glove. He puts on a Spider-Man mask and enters the office.) CONGRESSMAN Who are you? MICHAEL JACKSON I'm Michael Jackson, and I want you to build more Taco Bells near here. CONGRESSMAN Okay. (MICHAEL JACKSON exits. SPIDER-MAN swings in through the window. He puts on a Michael Jackson mask.) CONGRESSMAN Who are you? SPIDER-MAN I'm Spider-Man -- excuse me, I mean I'm Michael Jackson -- and I want you to ban Taco Bell. CONGRESSMAN Okay. (SPIDER-MAN takes off his mask.) CONGRESSMAN Wait a minute, you're not Michael Jackson, you're The Amazing Spider-Man! (SUPERMAN enters, smashing through a wall.) SUPERMAN And I'm Superman! CONGRESSMAN Holy cow! At last we can answer the question, "Who would win in a fight between Spider-Man and Superman?" ANNOUNCER (voice-over) Yes, who would win in a fight between Spider-Man and Superman? SUPERMAN I can bend steel in my bare hands! CUT TO: (FUZZY-EDGED FLASHBACK) (At the beach, SUPERMAN picks up a submarine and ties it into a balloon animal, then tosses it to a woman in a bikini, crushing her.) CUT TO: (Office, continued) SPIDER-MAN I can make string! (He squirts some limp string onto the floor.) SUPERMAN I can kill people just by looking at them! CUT TO: (FUZZY-EDGED FLASHBACK) (SUPERMAN and a BURGLAR -- who is wearing a striped shirt and domino mask and is holding a bag of cash in each hand -- are standing a block apart. SUPERMAN looks at the BURGLAR. A red line is drawn between them for a tenth of a second. It goes "beep". The BURGLAR's entire body bursts into flame and he rolls around screaming while SUPERMAN watches.) CUT TO: (Office, continued) SPIDER-MAN I can make string with BOTH hands! (He squirts two jets of string onto the floor.) SUPERMAN I am completely invulnerable and indestructible! CUT TO: (FUZZY-EDGED FLASHBACK) (SUPERMAN is in Paris) GENDARME Superman! Ze Eiffel Tower, she is going to explode! SUPERMAN (pushing him aside) Stand back, Frenchy! (SUPERMAN grabs one leg of the tower, lifts the whole tower, and shoves it up his butt. It disappears inside him. There is a muffled "bang".) SUPERMAN (being cool) Eh, I could do that all day. CUT TO: (Office, continued) SPIDER-MAN My mask has sunglasses built in. SUPERMAN I can lift up the entire Earth and hurl it into the Sun. CUT TO: (FUZZY-EDGED FLASHBACK) (SUPERMAN bends over and grabs the Earth. He lifts it up, twirls it above his head, and hurls it into the Sun. SUPERMAN is left standing in outer space. He points at the Sun and laughs.) CUT TO: (Office, continued) SPIDER-MAN My unitard has lines on it. SUPERMAN Oh, heck with it, I'll just crush your head and turn it into a diamond. CONGRESSMAN (boredly) I've seen you do that trick before. SUPERMAN A baseball diamond. (He squeezes SPIDER-MAN's head, and there is a crunching sound and smoke comes out, and lo and behold, his head turns into a tiny baseball park, complete with tiny players playing the World Series.) (MICHAEL JACKSON pokes his head in through the door.) MICHAEL JACKSON Hey, has anybody seen my chimp? I think I left him in a pickle. (EINSTEIN also appears in the doorway.) EINSTEIN Excuse me, but I farted. In a pickle. CUT TO: (The screeching CHIMP is still behind the window in the pickle, but now he's waving his hands in front of his face because of the swirling yellow vapor inside the pickle. CAMERA PULLS BACK to show the clown on the bicycle riding up to the pickle. He opens the front of the pickle like a door and gets inside with the chimp. He pulls down a roller shade to cover the window. The shade says "DO NOT DISTURB". The theme from "Love Story" begins to play.) CUT TO: (Office, continued) CONGRESSMAN This is starting to get a little weird. SUPERMAN Yeah, and I'm tired of baseball. I think I'll crush his head into something else. (SUPERMAN crushes SPIDER-MAN's head again. It turns into a TV set. The screen fills with static for a moment and then displays the title, "THE SPECIAL SHOW".) ANNOUNCER (voice-over, on TV) THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!! CONGRESSMAN I don't think we're allowed to watch that. Only very special people are allowed to watch "The Special Show". SUPERMAN Then why isn't anyone stopping us? CONGRESSMAN (close-up) I don't know. They're letting us watch for some reason... (CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that the CONGRESSMAN is in a straitjacket in a padded cell. SUPERMAN is there too, in a red and blue straitjacket fastened with glowing green Kryptonite bicycle locks. The TV set is sitting on the floor, with SPIDER-MAN's empty leotard attached to the bottom of it.) SUPERMAN Hey, Spider-Man escaped. CONGRESSMAN I guess that means he wins! (CAMERA PULLS BACK through a window and is now outside the padded cell. Two PSYCHIATRISTS are taking notes on clipboards.) FIRST PSYCHIATRIST Looks like we caught another two. SECOND PSYCHIATRIST And we got a free TV set. FIRST PSYCHIATRIST Can I take that empty unitard home for my kids? SECOND PSYCHIATRIST Sure, why not? Spider-Man doesn't need it -- he's just a fictional character. (SUPERMAN puts his face up to the window.) SUPERMAN Hey, let us out! (EINSTEIN's face also appears in the window.) EINSTEIN Fart number three! (The CLOWN rides his bike through the corridor past the padded cell. He is still towing the little red wagon, but instead of a pile of human skulls, KIBO is sitting in the wagon. KIBO gets out and the clown rides away.) KIBO I'd just like to take a moment to say that although this entire episode has been claimed to be a true story, it was only partly true, and in should in no way be held against the excellent quality of television journalism. And now, the news. CUT TO: (TV news broadcast. The two ANCHORS are shuffling stacks of papers and tapping them against the desk to square them up. The FIRST ANCHOR looks at the SECOND ANCHOR and thumps the papers against the desk very hard. The SECOND ANCHOR looks back and thumps the papers harder. They go back and forth a few times until the FIRST ANCHOR smashes the desk. He jumps to his feet and starts running around in circles with his fists over his head.) FIRST ANCHOR I win! I win! SECOND ANCHOR Our top story tonight... A traffic accident has killed over five hundred billion people. We go live to the scene of the accident. (The two ANCHORS walk out the door. CAMERA FOLLOWS them down the street. They walk across town. They keep walking for eighty minutes. Every moment of it is shown. They arrive at a stretch of pavement with a red "X" painted on it.) FIRST ANCHOR We have arrived at the scene where the accident was. SECOND ANCHOR And now, back to the studio. (They walk back to the TV studio. It takes another eighty minutes. They arrive just as two sweaty TEAMSTERS are pushing a new newsdesk into place, and they take their seats behind it.) FIRST ANCHOR This is the fourth desk used in tonight's episode of "The Special Show". SECOND ANCHOR It must be the show's main recurring theme. EINSTEIN (popping out of a desk drawer) I farted! MICHAEL JACKSON (in another drawer) I like Taco Bell! EINSTEIN Ay chihuahua! FIRST ANCHOR And now, the camera will pull back to reveal that this all takes place inside a giant pickle. SECOND ANCHOR Because, after all, the whole world is a pickle, and we're all chimps. MICHAEL JACKSON You don't look like chimps. EINSTEIN And this TV news studio doesn't look like the kind of TV news studio made entirely out of pickle guts. FIRST ANCHOR Camera will pull back now. SECOND ANCHOR Camera will pull back now. (A pause -- nothing happens.) EINSTEIN Sorry, we have to stop the show. I ran out of farts. (The ANCHORS and MICHAEL JACKSON groan and walk off the set. EINSTEIN climbs out of the desk drawer. He walks over to the camera and addresses it directly.) EINSTEIN It was a bad idea to base an entire episode on the idea that I, Albert Einstein, fart constantly. After all, I, Albert Einstein, fart no more often than any other great scientist. (STEPHEN HAWKING zips past in a wheelchair making a constant fart noise.) EINSTEIN See what I mean? Also, I don't get why the clown had all those skulls. It would have been funnier with just one skull. (He pulls a skull out of his pocket and holds it up. It has a little signpost attached to it saying "BOB HOPE'S SKULL". BOB HOPE enters. His head is all limp and floppy.) BOB HOPE Hey, give me back my skull. EINSTEIN Okay, I guess you're old enough to have it. (He hands BOB HOPE his own skull. BOB HOPE looks at it and is startled by what he sees. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on one eye socket of the skull and inside is the screaming CHIMP.) BOB HOPE (freaked out) Eww! (He hurls the skull to the floor, smashing it. Then he squirts string all over it from his wrists.) EINSTEIN Wait a moment -- I've got it! BOB HOPE What? (EINSTEIN lifts his leg and farts very loudly. Instantly, CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that everything we've seen is inside a pickle in a plastic packet marked "WORLD IN A PICKLE, 25c". A hand reaches into frame and unwraps the pickle. We see that it is KIBO. He takes a bite out of the pickle.) KIBO (with his mouth full) I hope you've enjoyed the show so far, and learned something too. And now, a further exploration of the nature of the Universe, styled as a lesson in mathematical topology. CUT TO: (The rolling hills of the English countryside) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) What would "The Benny Hill Show" be like if the Universe were a Möbius strip? ("Yakety Sax" plays while several women in their underwear chase a fat guy across the field at triple speed. They exit out of the left edge of the frame and re-enter at the right edge, but now they are all inside out. They fall down in the middle of the field and flop around aimlessly.) ANNOUNCER (voice-over) Ladies and gentlemen, "The Benny Hill Show" has been cancelled because Benny Hill got turned inside-out again. Now back to "The Special Show". CUT TO: (KIBO finishes eating the pickle) KIBO Well, we've all learned several things today. First, that the Universe may or may not be a pickle, and second, that the Universe may or may not be a Möbius strip. In either case, it's always great to see Benny Hill doing what he does best, which is running around inside-out. And we've also learned that in a fight between two Spider-Man and Superman, there would be no real winners. They should forget their differences and team up to host a talk show. CUT TO: (SPIDER-MAN and SUPERMAN are sitting in chairs on a talk show set.) SUPERMAN Tonight's topic: Who's gayer, Batman or Robin? SPIDER-MAN Hmm... it depends. Do you mean the animated Batman or the Adam West Batman? SUPERMAN The classical Batman. SPIDER-MAN The "Batman" of Petronius? That was plenty gay. SUPERMAN I think you're thinking of the "Satyricon" of Petronius. SPIDER-MAN Oh. Well, what was the title of that two-thousand-year-old Latin story about Batman and Robin having a wild gay orgy? SUPERMAN I don't know. I don't read stupid comic books. SPIDER-MAN (turning to the camera) That's right, and neither should you. Reading comic books will make you stupid! CUT TO: (EINSTEIN is at his desk. He picks up a comic book and starts reading it. Immediately he becomes an idiot, and begins waving his arms around and drooling.) EINSTEIN Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (EINSTEIN drops dead. The two PSYCHIATRISTS rush in and check his pulse.) FIRST PSYCHIATRIST He's dead. SECOND PSYCHIATRIST He seems to have suffered from a fatal case of ruptured innards. FIRST PSYCHIATRIST Sadly, he became so stupid he forgot how to fart. SECOND PSYCHIATRIST We'll have to dispose of that comic book without looking at it or touching it. But how? FIRST PSYCHIATRIST I know! I've got Silly Putty! (He pulls a large wad of Silly Putty out of his pocket and covers the comic book with it.) SECOND PSYCHIATRIST That stuff doesn't really work. If it really did take pictures from comics, there wouldn't be any pictures left on the comics. It only works in the TV commercials. FIRST PSYCHIATRIST Yes, but we're on TV, so everything will work just as well as in TV commercials. (He peels the putty off and shows that it now has a reversed picture of the comic book, and the comic book is now blank.) SECOND PSYCHIATRIST Wait a minute... there are no commercials for Silly Putty! (With a "ding", the picture disappears from the Silly Putty and reappears on the comic book.) BOTH PSYCHIATRISTS (together) Augh! We looked at it! Duhhhhhh! Duhhhhhhhhhh! Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (They flail their arms and drool. CAMERA PULLS BACK through a window to show that the two PSYCHIATRISTS are in a padded cell, and two NAPOLEONS are looking in.) FIRST NAPOLEON Ze stoopeed psychiatrists! SECOND NAPOLEON Now zey are dumbair that evair! FIRST NAPOLEON Hey, what eez zat string? (He grabs a tiny red fiber sticking out of the floor and pulls. One of the walls unzips and falls away, revealing the highly-magnified inside of a pickle.) BOTH NAPOLEONS (together) Augh! Ze episode, it ees coming true! (The CLOWN on the bike enters, towing a wagon containing EINSTEIN, the CHIMP, and MICHAEL JACKSON wearing a Spider-Man mask.) CLOWN This has been a true story. And now, the big ending. (CAMERA FOLLOWS the CLOWN as he and his passengers ride past the edge of the corridor set, past various TV cameras and lights and the two TEAMSTERS, and then beyond that stuff there is blackness, so that as they past the last of the cameras and lights the bike falls off the edge of the Earth. The CLOWN, EINSTEIN, the CHIMP, and MICHAEL JACKSON scream as they fall to infinity. They dwindle to dots and disappear into solid blackness. CAMERA PANS back to the TV studio.) KIBO That was tonight's episode of "The Special Show". And now, a documentary about how pickles are made. CUT TO: (Grainy, scratchy, washed-out eight-millimeter film footage of an assembly line. Green sludge is being poured into a big machine which is stamping out pickles that go down a conveyor belt. We watch pickles going past for several hours.) FADE OUT.
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May 26, 2003
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