When I found the previous lost episode, I also found this one, which was intended to be a sequel. However, the date on the file was from December 1999, which means the previous lost episode was lost even longer than I thought it was, and must have been found in 2000, revised, and then lost again. Now I'm very confused. Anyway, I wrote this during December 1999, except for the awesome ending, which is from 2003.
Kibo presents THE SPECIAL SHOW! Episode #9a: "The Episode That Doesn't Feature Potsie" Copyright (C) 1999-2003 James "Kibo" Parry INTERIOR BOARD ROOM (A dozen elderly white men are sitting around a long table. They all have gray hair and gray suits with gray ties, and they are all smoking cigars that fill the air with gray smoke.) FIRST BOARD MEMBER So, gentlemen, we are in agreement. We will produce a new program to be called "The Special Show". CORRIDOR (Sirens are sounding and strobe lights are going off as riot cops in black armor are chasing a blond WOMAN, wearing red, white, and blue shorts, who is running through the corridor with a sledgehammer.) INTERIOR BOARD ROOM SECOND BOARD MEMBER It will feature the musical comedy stylings of Tony Danza, Paula Poundstone, and Bob Hope. CORRIDOR (The WOMAN runs.) INTERIOR BOARD ROOM THIRD BOARD MEMBER And it will be sponsored by all consumer products made worldwide! CORRIDOR (The WOMAN is still running.) INTERIOR BOARD ROOM FOURTH BOARD MEMBER The laugh track will be in stereo! (The WOMAN bursts in and hurls her sledgehammer at a glass box marked "BREAK GLASS TO RELEASE WACKY CHIMPS". The hammer shatters the glass and hits a big red button. Trapdoors open and the BOARD MEMBERS fall out of sight. A dozen WACKY CHIMPS rollerskate into view.) FIRST CHIMP So, fellow chimps, we are in agreement. We will produce "The Special Show". SECOND CHIMP The first program aimed to entertain the largely forgotten audience of mental asylum inmates. THIRD CHIMP Starring the esoterically obnoxious Kibo. FOURTH CHIMP It will be unpredictable. FIFTH CHIMP Only until they EXPECT that. SIXTH CHIMP (looking over his shoulder) Hey, did you know there are riot cops beating up a woman back there? FIRST CHIMP Naah, that's violence against women. We'd never exploit that for a cheap laugh. SECOND CHIMP Okay, change her to a man, then let's beat the crap out of her. Him. ALL CHIMPS (together) HOORAY! VIOLENCE AGAINST MEN! HUMAN MEN! FIRST CHIMP But first, don't forget to push the button that puts "The Special Show" on the air. (There is an awkward pause. A neon sign drops from the ceiling and begins flashing "AWKWARD PAUSE DETECTED.") TWELFTH CHIMP Sir, uh, we already pushed the button five minutes ago. FIRST CHIMP You mean people have been watching us create "The Special Show" on "The Special Show" before we finished creating "The Special Show"? TWELFTH CHIMP I guess so. ALL CHIMPS EXCEPT #12 (together) HOORAY! WE DID SOMETHING POINTLESS AND IT KILLED FIVE MINUTES OF AIRTIME! CUT TO: OPENING TITLES, FEATURING REVOLVING CHROME "THE SPECIAL SHOW" LOGO. REPEAT OPENING TITLES. REPEAT OPENING TITLES AGAIN. CUT TO: INTERIOR OF A DIAMOND (KIBO is standing at the center of a faceted diamond. He is wearing a suit made entirely from crumpled aluminum foil, with matching hat. Colored laser beams are bouncing off him.) KIBO Hello, and welcome to tonight's thrilling episode of "The Special Show"! But before we get started, let's turn our cameras around so we can see YOU!!! SWISH-PAN TO: LARGE STADIUM (A white TV set is showing "The Special Show"'s chrome logo at the center of a large stadium. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that the stands are filled with men and women in straitjackets. CAMERA PULLS FURTHER BACK to the outside of the stadium, where a sign reads "NATIONAL PSYCHIATRIC STADIUM". In the parking lot, a NURSE, who looks like a female Patrick Stewart, is checking her clipboard.) NURSE There, that's ALMOST everyone who needs to watch "The Special Show". (looking at the camera) I'm so glad "The Special Show" turned out to be so very special and doesn't star Bob Hope. CUT TO: INTERIOR SUBURBAN HOME MOM, DAD, JUNIOR, and SIS are watching their shiny black TV. It displays a cardboard logo of "The Ordinary Show" dangling crookedly on string. BOB HOPE (shown on TV) One of my writers heard a very funny joke recently. It is very funny indeed. There was this germ that wanted to cross the microscope. STUDIO AUDIENCE (shown on TV) Why... did... the... germ... want... to... cross... the... microscope? BOB HOPE (shown on TV) The germ wanted to cross the microscope, and this is the funny part... to get to... the other... slide! LAUGH TRACK MACHINE (shown on TV) Har! Har! Har! BOB HOPE Get it? ... GET IT? MOM Was that funny? DAD I... don't know! (Another LAUGH TRACK MACHINE drops from the living room ceiling.) LAUGH TRACK MACHINE (in their faces) Har! Har! Har! MOM You're right, dear, that was very funny! JUNIOR Mom and Dad, you're the best parents ever! SIS When I grow up I want to marry Bob Hope! (CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that this scene is taking place inside the NURSES's eyeball. She screams.) CUT TO: INTERIOR OF A DIAMOND KIBO And now that the preliminaries are out of the way, I'd like to apologize for the fact that Potsie appeared in the previous episode of "The Special Show". I promise that in this episode, Potsie will NOT appear! Isn't that right, invisible Potsie? POTSIE (V.O.) I'm invisible! Stop trying to see me! I'm invisible! KIBO And the fact that Potsie is invisible renders him completely unharmed by laser beams! (KIBO shoots a laser gun through the invisible POTSIE, who is unaffected -- not that we can tell.) KIBO Fortunately, there's no such thing as a laser gun. (KIBO's gun changes into a Colt .45 pistol. He shoots at invisible POTSIE. A bloodstain appears in mid-air and falls to the floor.) KIBO Ladies and gentlemen... Potsie is dead. And invisible. Let us now pause for a moment to reflect on how different our lives would be if Invisible Potsie had never existed. SPINNING NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: "NO SUCH PERSON AS POTSIE" SPINNING NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: "STILL NO SUCH PERSON AS POTSIE" SPINNING NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: "'HAPPY DAYS' CANCELLED, CRITICS SAY "NEEDS A POTSIE'" SPINNING NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: "KIBO NOT GETTING THE DEATH PENALTY FOR MURDERING POTSIE, BECAUSE THERE NEVER WAS A POTSIE" (PRISON GUARDS are undoing the straps that secure KIBO to an electric chair.) KIBO What a relief! I'm happy that Nonexistent Invisible Potsie never became Invisible Dead Potsie! SPINNING NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: "HOORAY FOR NO POTSIE!" KIBO And now, more of "The Special Show", guaranteed 100% Potsie-free! CUT TO: EXTERIOR MANHATTAN STREET (CAMERA PANS PAST numerous skyscrapers. After seeing many tall buildings, we see the giant disembodied head of DAVID HYDE-PIERCE where a building should be.) DAVID HYDE-PIERCE Hello. I am Orange Julius. (A MAN walks past. CAMERA FOLLOWS. He walks up to a Popeye's Fried Chicken and considers going inside, but then resumes walking. He walks into a shop with a sign saying "Chicken's Fried Popeye". A moment later, he emerges eating an extremely bulgy drumstick with an anchor tattooed on it. CAMERA PANS OVER to a young couple standing on a steetcorner staring into the sky.) GUY (pointing) And that one's the Chrysler building. GAL Wow, I never knew there were so many buildings! What's that one over there? GUY Why... that's no building! That's a blazing meteor about to obliterate all of New York City in a fireball ten times hotter than the center of the Sun! But fortunately we MIGHT have time to escape. INSERT: BLAZING METEOR DESCENDING VERY, VERY, VERY SLOWLY GAL It looks like it'll destroy New York within twenty years! GUY Unless it slows down some more from friction and gravity. GAL We'd better alert the authorities! CUT TO: INTERIOR POST OFFICE GUY (to POSTAL CLERK) Two change-of-address cards, please. CUT TO: INTERIOR POLICE STATION GUY (to DESK SARGEANT) Don't bother booking crooks for any crimes that have sentences over twenty years. CUT TO: INTERIOR VIDEO RENTAL STORE GUY (to ZITFACED TEENAGER AT COUNTER) We'd like to return this porno video we rented. ZITFACED TEENAGER But you've already paid in advance for the standard twenty-five-year rental. GAL Oh, we don't need to keep it THAT long. GUY Hey, look! We could rent "Armageddon"! GAL I heard that movie's STUPID. ZITFACED TEENAGER In case you're interested, we've just opened a new section between the "Movies About Killer Asteroids" section and the pornography section. It's nothing but pornography about asteroids. GAL Ooh! Sounds kinky! GUY No time for that now! New York's going to blow up in only 19.9999 years! GAL Honey, you didn't have to tell him. Now he'll just feel bad until his entire body is burned to a crisp in searing agony. ZITFACED TEENAGER But I get to rent all the pornography I want for free. GUY Sorry, even people as important as you are going to be roasted alive by the deadly meteor's blast. ZITFACED TEENAGER Oh. Well, I better get ready to go on a killing spree. GAL That's the spirit! (They exit. POPEYE enters.) POPEYE Hey, do you want a bite of Foghorn Leghorn? ZITFACED TEENAGER No, but I'd love a chunk of Porky Pig. POPEYE (handing him a single strip of bacon) I don't have much, but here's some raw bacon. ZITFACED TEENAGER That's okay, I have a trick that can make a little go a long way. CUT TO: INTERIOR SUBWAY (The ZITFACED TEENAGER carefully places the strip of bacon along one of the train tracks. A train runs over it and the ZITFACED TEEN peels off the strip, which is now three feet long. It leaves a patch of grease on the tracks. Another train roars by and skids on the grease, derailing. The train flies through the air and bursts up through the pavement, hurtling into the sky and knocking the flaming meteor harmlessly into the East River.) ZITFACED TEENAGER Rats! There goes my BEST excuse for a killing spree! (BOB HOPE walks past, carrying an assault rifle and whistling.) ZITFACED TEENAGER And double rats! There goes my weapon for a killing spree! Help, police! Bob Hope stole my rifle before I could kill anyone with it! (Further down the street, BOB HOPE is killing himself.) BOB HOPE This episode doesn't have an ending. I must end this episode. I must kill Kibo. (He enters a building that has a sign, "NEW YORK DIAMOND BACKDROP EXCHANGE". In a glass case there are several cut-away sections of diamonds, each with a little TV camera pointed at it and a tiny TV show host performing in front of it. One of the people in one of the diamonds is KIBO.) BOB HOPE Kibo, I must kill you because you have no ending for this episode! KIBO Why? BOB HOPE Because you wrote this whole episode in 1999 and then forgot about it and now the only way to get rid of it quickly is to paste this scene onto the end of it, and everyone knows there's no better ending for a comedy sketch than murder! KIBO Why? BOB HOPE I don't know. I think you told me that once. KIBO Why? BOB HOPE Argh! You are so annoying that just to spite you, I'm going to kill myself instead of you! (BOB HOPE shoots himself.) KIBO Oops. I guess now this episode can't end! (One of the CHIMPS skates into view.) CHIMP You could end it with that sketch about Charles Nelson Reilly murdering all those people. KIBO Naah, I'm saving that in case it ever becomes funny. CHIMP But, Kibo, you're forgetting that "The Special Show" isn't about funny, it's a serious form of therapy for the criminally insane. KIBO You mean dangerously crazy people might be watching this? CHIMP Sure! Didn't you just re-read the first part of this that you wrote four years ago? KIBO I wish Bob Hope would come back from the dead and shoot you so this could end. CHIMP Sorry, you can't end on a dead chimp. That's a rule. It has to be the murder of a human or higher. KIBO But what's higher than a human? GIANT FLOATING HEAD OF DAVID HYDE-PIERCE (floating through the sky) Hello, I a more highly evolved version of Orange Julius. KIBO Quick, chimp, shoot! Shoot, Chimpie, shoot! (The CHIMP pulls a pistol out of his little chimp diaper and shoots the GIANT FLOATING HEAD OF DAVID HYDE-PIECE, which explodes.) KIBO Yay! The episode is over! CHIMP I don't think it worked. Everyone knows that TV stars aren't real. So killing one's not like killing a real person. KIBO Oh, you mean like how I got away with killing Potsie because there never was a Potsie? CHIMP Well, no, this is completely different, but I suppose you're allowed to try to make that callback in a feeble attempt to come up with an ending. KIBO Well, I guess we'll just have to forget about -- holy shazbot, what is THAT? (KIBO points at the sky, where a giant flaming strip of bacon is falling to earth.) EXTERIOR OUTER SPACE (The giant strip of burning bacon strikes the Earth, wrapping around it. The hand of GOD reaches down and sticks a toothpick through the Earth, then eats it.) GOD Mmm... bacony. (CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that this TV show is really just an unfinished script on the screen of Kibo's laptop computer. As he types the phrase "The hand of GOD" there is a power failure.) KIBO Good thing this runs on batteries so I can write an ending for this episode! (KIBO yawns and scratches himself for a while. In the background, TONY DANZA, PAULA POUNDSTONE, POPEYE, the real ORANGE JULIUS, several CHIMPS, a LAUGH-TRACK MACHINE, a SUBWAY TRAIN, and a SPINNING NEWSPAPER skate past holding hands. There is the sound of crickets chirping. KIBO ignores them and stares at the back of his hand for a while. Suddenly, he has an idea.) KIBO Hey, I just came up with the perfect ending! Too bad I can't post it because the Internet is down due to this power failure. Bye, folks! (THE END.)
Fun fact: There really was a power failure when I typed "The hand of GOD". In fact, the power is still off as I type this footnote. This is because it is shortly after midnight, and the local power company likes to schedule its outages (for repairs) for late at night because instead of inconveniencing anyone by having the lights go out while it's sunny, they wait until most people are asleep and then nuke their alarm clocks. However, by staying up late finishing this episode of "The Special Show", I've beaten them at their own game! That makes me even smarter than Bob Hope!
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February 24, 2005
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