When I found the previous lost episode, I also found this one, which was intended to be a sequel. However, the date on the file was from December 1999, which means the previous lost episode was lost even longer than I thought it was, and must have been found in 2000, revised, and then lost again. Now I'm very confused. Anyway, I wrote this during December 1999, except for the awesome ending, which is from 2003.




                       Kibo presents


                     THE SPECIAL SHOW!

                       Episode #9a:
         "The Episode That Doesn't Feature Potsie"


         Copyright (C) 1999-2003 James "Kibo" Parry



INTERIOR BOARD ROOM

(A dozen elderly white men are sitting around a long table.
They all have gray hair and gray suits with gray ties, and
they are all smoking cigars that fill the air with gray smoke.)

    FIRST BOARD MEMBER
    So, gentlemen, we are in agreement.  We will
    produce a new program to be called "The Special Show".

CORRIDOR

(Sirens are sounding and strobe lights are going off as
riot cops in black armor are chasing a blond WOMAN, wearing
red, white, and blue shorts, who is running through the
corridor with a sledgehammer.)

INTERIOR BOARD ROOM

    SECOND BOARD MEMBER
    It will feature the musical comedy stylings
    of Tony Danza, Paula Poundstone, and Bob Hope.

CORRIDOR

(The WOMAN runs.)

INTERIOR BOARD ROOM

    THIRD BOARD MEMBER
    And it will be sponsored by all consumer products
    made worldwide!

CORRIDOR

(The WOMAN is still running.)

INTERIOR BOARD ROOM

    FOURTH BOARD MEMBER
    The laugh track will be in stereo!

(The WOMAN bursts in and hurls her sledgehammer at a
glass box marked "BREAK GLASS TO RELEASE WACKY CHIMPS".
The hammer shatters the glass and hits a big red button.
Trapdoors open and the BOARD MEMBERS fall out of sight.
A dozen WACKY CHIMPS rollerskate into view.)

    FIRST CHIMP
    So, fellow chimps, we are in agreement.
    We will produce "The Special Show".

    SECOND CHIMP
    The first program aimed to entertain the largely
    forgotten audience of mental asylum inmates.

    THIRD CHIMP
    Starring the esoterically obnoxious Kibo.

    FOURTH CHIMP
    It will be unpredictable.

    FIFTH CHIMP
    Only until they EXPECT that.

    SIXTH CHIMP
    (looking over his shoulder)
    Hey, did you know there are riot cops beating
    up a woman back there?

    FIRST CHIMP
    Naah, that's violence against women.
    We'd never exploit that for a cheap laugh.

    SECOND CHIMP
    Okay, change her to a man, then let's beat
    the crap out of her.  Him.

    ALL CHIMPS
    (together)
    HOORAY!  VIOLENCE AGAINST MEN!  HUMAN MEN!

    FIRST CHIMP
    But first, don't forget to push the button
    that puts "The Special Show" on the air.

(There is an awkward pause.  A neon sign drops from
the ceiling and begins flashing "AWKWARD PAUSE DETECTED.")

    TWELFTH CHIMP
    Sir, uh, we already pushed the button five
    minutes ago.

    FIRST CHIMP
    You mean people have been watching us create
    "The Special Show" on "The Special Show"
    before we finished creating "The Special Show"?

    TWELFTH CHIMP
    I guess so.

    ALL CHIMPS EXCEPT #12
    (together)
    HOORAY!  WE DID SOMETHING POINTLESS AND IT
    KILLED FIVE MINUTES OF AIRTIME!

CUT TO:


OPENING TITLES, FEATURING REVOLVING CHROME "THE SPECIAL SHOW" LOGO.


REPEAT OPENING TITLES.


REPEAT OPENING TITLES AGAIN.


CUT TO:

INTERIOR OF A DIAMOND

(KIBO is standing at the center of a faceted diamond.  He is wearing
a suit made entirely from crumpled aluminum foil, with matching hat.
Colored laser beams are bouncing off him.)

    KIBO
    Hello, and welcome to tonight's thrilling episode of
    "The Special Show"!  But before we get started, let's
    turn our cameras around so we can see YOU!!!

SWISH-PAN TO:

LARGE STADIUM

(A white TV set is showing "The Special Show"'s chrome logo at
the center of a large stadium.  CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal
that the stands are filled with men and women in straitjackets.
CAMERA PULLS FURTHER BACK to the outside of the stadium, where
a sign reads "NATIONAL PSYCHIATRIC STADIUM".  In the parking
lot, a NURSE, who looks like a female Patrick Stewart, is checking
her clipboard.)

    NURSE
    There, that's ALMOST everyone who needs to watch
    "The Special Show".  (looking at the camera)  I'm
    so glad "The Special Show" turned out to be so very 
    special and doesn't star Bob Hope.

CUT TO:


INTERIOR SUBURBAN HOME

MOM, DAD, JUNIOR, and SIS are watching their shiny black TV.
It displays a cardboard logo of "The Ordinary Show" dangling
crookedly on string.

    BOB HOPE
    (shown on TV)
    One of my writers heard a very funny joke
    recently.  It is very funny indeed.  There was
    this germ that wanted to cross the microscope.

    STUDIO AUDIENCE
    (shown on TV)
    Why... did... the... germ... want... to...
    cross... the... microscope?

    BOB HOPE
    (shown on TV)
    The germ wanted to cross the microscope, and this
    is the funny part... to get to... the other... slide!

    LAUGH TRACK MACHINE
    (shown on TV)
    Har!  Har!  Har!

    BOB HOPE
    Get it? ... GET IT?

    MOM
    Was that funny?

    DAD
    I... don't know!

(Another LAUGH TRACK MACHINE drops from the living room ceiling.)

    LAUGH TRACK MACHINE
    (in their faces)
    Har!  Har!  Har!

    MOM
    You're right, dear, that was very funny!

    JUNIOR
    Mom and Dad, you're the best parents ever!

    SIS
    When I grow up I want to marry Bob Hope!

(CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that this scene is taking
place inside the NURSES's eyeball.  She screams.)

CUT TO:


INTERIOR OF A DIAMOND

    KIBO
    And now that the preliminaries are out of the way,
    I'd like to apologize for the fact that Potsie
    appeared in the previous episode of "The Special Show".
    I promise that in this episode, Potsie will NOT appear!
    Isn't that right, invisible Potsie?

    POTSIE
    (V.O.)
    I'm invisible!  Stop trying to see me!  I'm invisible!

    KIBO
    And the fact that Potsie is invisible renders him
    completely unharmed by laser beams!

(KIBO shoots a laser gun through the invisible POTSIE, who
is unaffected -- not that we can tell.)

    KIBO
    Fortunately, there's no such thing as a laser gun.

(KIBO's gun changes into a Colt .45 pistol.  He shoots
at invisible POTSIE.  A bloodstain appears in mid-air
and falls to the floor.)

    KIBO
    Ladies and gentlemen... Potsie is dead.  And invisible.
    Let us now pause for a moment to reflect on how different
    our lives would be if Invisible Potsie had never existed.

SPINNING NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: "NO SUCH PERSON AS POTSIE"

SPINNING NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: "STILL NO SUCH PERSON AS POTSIE"

SPINNING NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: "'HAPPY DAYS' CANCELLED,
CRITICS SAY "NEEDS A POTSIE'"

SPINNING NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: "KIBO NOT GETTING THE DEATH
PENALTY FOR MURDERING POTSIE, BECAUSE THERE NEVER WAS A POTSIE"

(PRISON GUARDS are undoing the straps that secure KIBO to
an electric chair.)

    KIBO
    What a relief!  I'm happy that Nonexistent Invisible Potsie
    never became Invisible Dead Potsie!
    
SPINNING NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: "HOORAY FOR NO POTSIE!"

    KIBO
    And now, more of "The Special Show", guaranteed 
    100% Potsie-free!

CUT TO:


EXTERIOR MANHATTAN STREET

(CAMERA PANS PAST numerous skyscrapers.  After seeing many
tall buildings, we see the giant disembodied head of
DAVID HYDE-PIERCE where a building should be.)

    DAVID HYDE-PIERCE
    Hello.  I am Orange Julius.

(A MAN walks past.  CAMERA FOLLOWS.  He walks up to a
Popeye's Fried Chicken and considers going inside, but
then resumes walking.  He walks into a shop with a
sign saying "Chicken's Fried Popeye".  A moment later,
he emerges eating an extremely bulgy drumstick with an
anchor tattooed on it.  CAMERA PANS OVER to a young couple
standing on a steetcorner staring into the sky.)

    GUY
    (pointing)
    And that one's the Chrysler building.

    GAL
    Wow, I never knew there were so many buildings!
    What's that one over there?

    GUY
    Why... that's no building!  That's a blazing
    meteor about to obliterate all of New York City
    in a fireball ten times hotter than the
    center of the Sun!  But fortunately we MIGHT
    have time to escape.

INSERT:  BLAZING METEOR DESCENDING VERY, VERY, VERY SLOWLY

    GAL
    It looks like it'll destroy New York within
    twenty years!

    GUY
    Unless it slows down some more from friction
    and gravity.

    GAL
    We'd better alert the authorities!

CUT TO:


INTERIOR POST OFFICE

    GUY
    (to POSTAL CLERK)
    Two change-of-address cards, please.


CUT TO:


INTERIOR POLICE STATION

    GUY
    (to DESK SARGEANT)
    Don't bother booking crooks for any crimes that
    have sentences over twenty years.

CUT TO:


INTERIOR VIDEO RENTAL STORE

    GUY
    (to ZITFACED TEENAGER AT COUNTER)
    We'd like to return this porno video we rented.

    ZITFACED TEENAGER
    But you've already paid in advance for the
    standard twenty-five-year rental.

    GAL
    Oh, we don't need to keep it THAT long.

    GUY
    Hey, look!  We could rent "Armageddon"!

    GAL
    I heard that movie's STUPID.

    ZITFACED TEENAGER
    In case you're interested, we've just opened a new
    section between the "Movies About Killer Asteroids"
    section and the pornography section.  It's nothing
    but pornography about asteroids.

    GAL
    Ooh!  Sounds kinky!

    GUY
    No time for that now!  New York's going to blow
    up in only 19.9999 years!

    GAL
    Honey, you didn't have to tell him.  Now he'll
    just feel bad until his entire body is burned
    to a crisp in searing agony.

    ZITFACED TEENAGER
    But I get to rent all the pornography I want for free.

    GUY
    Sorry, even people as important as you are going to 
    be roasted alive by the deadly meteor's blast.

    ZITFACED TEENAGER
    Oh.  Well, I better get ready to go on a killing spree.

    GAL
    That's the spirit!

(They exit.  POPEYE enters.)

    POPEYE
    Hey, do you want a bite of Foghorn Leghorn?

    ZITFACED TEENAGER
    No, but I'd love a chunk of Porky Pig.

    POPEYE
    (handing him a single strip of bacon)
    I don't have much, but here's some raw bacon.

    ZITFACED TEENAGER
    That's okay, I have a trick that can make a little
    go a long way.

CUT TO:


INTERIOR SUBWAY

(The ZITFACED TEENAGER carefully places the strip of bacon
along one of the train tracks.  A train runs over it and
the ZITFACED TEEN peels off the strip, which is now three
feet long.  It leaves a patch of grease on the tracks.
Another train roars by and skids on the grease, derailing.
The train flies through the air and bursts up through the
pavement, hurtling into the sky and knocking the flaming
meteor harmlessly into the East River.)

    ZITFACED TEENAGER
    Rats!  There goes my BEST excuse for a killing spree!

(BOB HOPE walks past, carrying an assault rifle and whistling.)

    ZITFACED TEENAGER
    And double rats!  There goes my weapon for a killing spree!
    Help, police!  Bob Hope stole my rifle before I could kill
    anyone with it!

(Further down the street, BOB HOPE is killing himself.)

    BOB HOPE
    This episode doesn't have an ending.  I must end this
    episode.  I must kill Kibo.

(He enters a building that has a sign, "NEW YORK DIAMOND
BACKDROP EXCHANGE".  In a glass case there are several
cut-away sections of diamonds, each with a little TV camera
pointed at it and a tiny TV show host performing in front
of it.  One of the people in one of the diamonds is KIBO.)

    BOB HOPE
    Kibo, I must kill you because you have no ending for
    this episode!

    KIBO
    Why?

    BOB HOPE
    Because you wrote this whole episode in 1999 and then
    forgot about it and now the only way to get rid of it
    quickly is to paste this scene onto the end of it,
    and everyone knows there's no better ending for a
    comedy sketch than murder!

    KIBO
    Why?

    BOB HOPE
    I don't know.  I think you told me that once.

    KIBO
    Why?

    BOB HOPE
    Argh!  You are so annoying that just to spite you,
    I'm going to kill myself instead of you!

(BOB HOPE shoots himself.)

    KIBO
    Oops.  I guess now this episode can't end!

(One of the CHIMPS skates into view.)

    CHIMP
    You could end it with that sketch about Charles Nelson Reilly
    murdering all those people.

    KIBO
    Naah, I'm saving that in case it ever becomes funny.

    CHIMP
    But, Kibo, you're forgetting that "The Special Show"
    isn't about funny, it's a serious form of therapy for
    the criminally insane.

    KIBO
    You mean dangerously crazy people might be watching this?

    CHIMP
    Sure!  Didn't you just re-read the first part of this
    that you wrote four years ago?

    KIBO
    I wish Bob Hope would come back from the dead and shoot
    you so this could end.

    CHIMP
    Sorry, you can't end on a dead chimp.  That's a rule.
    It has to be the murder of a human or higher.

    KIBO
    But what's higher than a human?

    GIANT FLOATING HEAD OF DAVID HYDE-PIERCE
    (floating through the sky)
    Hello, I a more highly evolved version of Orange Julius.

    KIBO
    Quick, chimp, shoot!  Shoot, Chimpie, shoot!

(The CHIMP pulls a pistol out of his little chimp diaper and shoots
the GIANT FLOATING HEAD OF DAVID HYDE-PIECE, which explodes.)

    KIBO
    Yay!  The episode is over!

    CHIMP
    I don't think it worked.  Everyone knows that TV stars aren't
    real.  So killing one's not like killing a real person.

    KIBO
    Oh, you mean like how I got away with killing Potsie because
    there never was a Potsie?

    CHIMP
    Well, no, this is completely different, but I suppose
    you're allowed to try to make that callback in a feeble
    attempt to come up with an ending.

    KIBO
    Well, I guess we'll just have to forget about -- holy shazbot,
    what is THAT?

(KIBO points at the sky, where a giant flaming strip of bacon
is falling to earth.)

EXTERIOR OUTER SPACE

(The giant strip of burning bacon strikes the Earth, wrapping
around it.  The hand of GOD reaches down and sticks a toothpick
through the Earth, then eats it.)

    GOD
    Mmm... bacony.

(CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that this TV show is really just an
unfinished script on the screen of Kibo's laptop computer.  As he
types the phrase "The hand of GOD" there is a power failure.)

    KIBO
    Good thing this runs on batteries so I can write an
    ending for this episode!

(KIBO yawns and scratches himself for a while.  In the background,
TONY DANZA, PAULA POUNDSTONE, POPEYE, the real ORANGE JULIUS,
several CHIMPS, a LAUGH-TRACK MACHINE, a SUBWAY TRAIN, and a
SPINNING NEWSPAPER skate past holding hands.  There is the sound
of crickets chirping.  KIBO ignores them and stares at the back
of his hand for a while.  Suddenly, he has an idea.) 

    KIBO
    Hey, I just came up with the perfect ending!  Too bad I can't
    post it because the Internet is down due to this power failure.
    Bye, folks!

(THE END.)




Fun fact: There really was a power failure when I typed "The hand of GOD". In fact, the power is still off as I type this footnote. This is because it is shortly after midnight, and the local power company likes to schedule its outages (for repairs) for late at night because instead of inconveniencing anyone by having the lights go out while it's sunny, they wait until most people are asleep and then nuke their alarm clocks. However, by staying up late finishing this episode of "The Special Show", I've beaten them at their own game! That makes me even smarter than Bob Hope!

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February 24, 2005
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