2006's improvised Christmas story. They do seem to be getting shorter every year.


(or, Spot's Thirteenth First Christmas)

written on December 25, 2006
Copyright (C) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry

Spot woke up. Christmas was already over! Spot cried. "Waah! Why did I decide to spend Christmas Eve on a plane crossing the International Date Line?"

Because Spot had missed Christmas, he didn't get any presents, which meant that nobody loved him. So he decided to turn the plane around and go across the International Date Line the other way to get some presents, and then keep going around the world and cross it again to get the same presents twice.

This caused a rip in the space-time continuum. Now there were two Christmases, which meant that Christ was born twice! The two Christs got into a fistfight. The winner nailed the loser to a cross and laughed and laughed.

Because there had been two Christs, this meant that now there were a Pope and an Anti-Pope. One worshipped the guy who got tacked to the cross, and the other worshipped the guy who invented Velcro (and if you don't believe me that Christ would have invented Velcro if he hadn't been crucified, I dare you to prove that Christ couldn't invent Velcro.)

Spot had a very poor memory, so on one of the two Christmas mornings this year, he forgot which of the two religions he belonged to, and he went to the wrong church. It was the one that had the Anti-Pope. An Anti-Priest was passing out Anti-Communion wafers. They had lots of flavor.

Also, instead of going in your mouth, they went in the other end.

Spot screamed. He had never intended to be in one of those bad "Twilight Zone" rip-offs where someone wakes up and everything's backwards! He decided to write a letter to Rod Serling to complain. But that meant he had to find a store that could sell him a completely-written letter so that he could use an empty pen to suck all the ink off the paper before he could take it out of the envelope to turn it back into a tree, or something, he didn't really understand it. "Oh no!" gasped Spot, "If I don't understand the completely consistent logic of this adventure, that must mean that my brain has been reversed too! Right is wrong, wrong is right, hot is cold, and vowels are consonants!"

But then Spot tripped and accidentally swallowed one end of the International Date Line. By the time it came out his other end, it had sent his intestines back in time a thousand years, so from now on Spot could only enjoy the taste of his TV dinners if he planned ahead and ate them before he was born. He couldn't figure out how to do that, so he starved to death.

At his funeral, the Anti-Pope gave the eulogy. He read it backwards, and he switched all the vowels and consonants, and he said he'd miss Spot.