Written 12/25/92
Copyright © James "Kibo" Parry 1992

Spot was celebrating Christmas again for the first time, because his parents had forgotten his birthday this year and so he was _still_ one year old. Poor Spot! Anyway, he was looking forward to opening his Christmas presents, which might, just _might_, be wonderfunful niftadacious zowie-wowilicious enough to make up for the span of misery he'd endured this extended year. He stared at the tackily-decorated tree his parents (Spom & Spop) had erected in the family doghouse, and at the stack of present that was under it. True, a stack of one was probably the sturdiest form of stack when it came to topple-resistance, but Spot sort of wished he were getting more than one present.

Last year, Spot's Christmas had been ruined because he'd unwrapped Tater twister after Tater Twister, and then some other dumb ol' present that had bit his face off or something. He couldn't quite remember, because it had been very traumatic, and it varied randomly every time he re-read his diary entry for that bleak day. As he unwrapped his sole present for _this_ year, Spot had a shimmering fear that perhaps this holiday season he would again be at the whims of Fate as some mythical, godlike presence overseeing his life chose a number from one to six.


//// 1

Spot tore off the Care Bears wrapping paper and found--

An Amputator Twister(R). Spot cried as it sucked in his thigh, blowing out fur at supersonic speeds!


//// 2

Spot tore off the Return of the Jedi wrapping paper and found--

A pair of solid magnesium boots just like those worn by people who lugged gold bars around in the basement of Spot's local Federal Reserve Bank. The boots had to protect against the crushing force of a gold bar accidentally dropped on someone's toes, but magnesium was the only metal light enough to make such a sturdy boot. These boots were all the rage in the postmodern circles in which Spot orbited!

Spot smiled happily as he put on his new boots. He was _cool_ now! Spot lit his first-ever cigarette. A tiny bit of ash immediately flaked off and landed on his left boot! It burst into white-hot flame, like a motorists' emergency flare only _MUCH_ brighter! Spot screamed and tried to stamp it out with his other boot, which also--


Spot's ashes were placed in a safe deposit box at the Federal Reserve Bank.


//// 3

Spot tore off the Energizer Bunny wrapping paper and found--

An Energizer Bunny.

"Wow! Neat-o! Thanks, Spom and Spop!" Spot yapped as he pressed the button to power up the little pink drummer rabbit.

*PLONK* *PLONK* *PLONK* *PLONK* went the bunny.

"Gosh, I really love this keen bunny you got me! Thanks again! Well, I'm overstimulated from all this excitement, so I'd better go to bed now. 'Night, folks. Hey, how do I turn this thing off?"


It's too bad for Spot that the West Korean factory had neglected to supply an "off" button. Spot was not able to get to sleep until the Energizer(R) batteries ran down eleven weeks, seventeen hours, fifty-one minutes, and thirty-eight seconds later. But, by then, he was hallucinating from lack of sleep, and for the rest of his life he had a certain auditory hallucination and thus _never_ got to sleep:



//// 4

Spot tore off the Transformers wrapping paper and found--

His new baby sister Spamela.

"Waah!" Spot cried in the arms of his dear parents Spom and Spop. "This means now you can only love me _half_ as much since there are two of us!"

Spom smiled. "Why, no, Spot. We still love you just the same as we always have," she stated as she slapped him around for no reason.

Their parents decided to give the wonderful new baby Spot's bed, and Spot could sleep in the crib for now. Then they went to the market and bought Baby's First Spring Water for Spamela and some dented generic cat food for Spot. Spot whined about this. "Poor _baby_," sneered Spop.


//// 5

Spot tore off the Cabbage Patch Preemies wrapping paper and found--

The only happy ending of the six! Yes, Spot's special mystery gift was--


Spom and Spop had given Spot the most precious gift and parent can give a child: the incentive for the child to use his or her imagination. Spot stared at the box and imagined that it contained a gift.


//// 6

Spot tore off the ALF wrapping paper and found--

Satan Claws's evil devil dog, Xpot! Xpot vaporized Spot with a twitch of his laser-firing wet nose. Spom and Spot didn't notice, of course, and so Xpot took Spot's place for the rest of his life. Eventually, using Spop's political connections, Xpot pulled a few strings and became the first dog President of the United States. Then he pushed the button that made the world blow up.

In Hell, Spot whined as six billion new arrivals fell on him.



James "Kibo" Parry
last revised Feb. 25, '98

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