I don't know why I wrote an extra story for 1995, but I did.
I guess I wanted something lighter to balance out the anti-anti-anti-Semitic other story.
No, wait, that can't be right, that was the year after this. I guess I don't have a good excuse for the extra story.
I didn't feel like converting the swirly Lubalin-esque logo to a GIF just for this page.
S S S S P S P S P E S P E C I A L I A L A L A L L L L
a Rankin-Bass production
starring Burl Ives as the voice of Pucky, The Mouse-Beaver
Brought to you by Dolly Madison Zingers
© 1995 James "Kibo" Parry
Spot's little baby sister, Spamela, was jumping up and down on Santa's lap. "An' I wan' a Baby Just Like Me doll an' I want all the outfits for her!" She had practiced saying that thousands of times over the past eleven months.
Santa jotted the request on the screen of his Newton MessagePad 130 and pressed the button that would uplink it to an infrared receiver hidden in his fake belly, where a tiny radio transmitter beamed it to a communications satellite in geosynchronus orbit. The satellite relayed it to Santa's workshop at the North Pole, which didn't really exist, but the kids didn't know that. They also didn't know that his belly was made of silicone, and that he was really a robot which, after Christmas, would return to duty as a Navy SEAL. Spamela gave big wonderful Santa a big slobbery kiss and hopped off his lap.
"I'm gonna git a Baby Just Like Me!" she yelled in Spot's ear. (This was overheard by a struggling musician who turned it into a hit country'n'western song that was so popular that it would eventually destroy all the other genres of music forever.)
Spot's parents, Spom and Spop, gave Spot a gentle shove towards Santa, as the people behind him were starting to complain and throw things. Spot burst into tears. "Waah! I don't wanna sit on Santa! I wanna go home!"
Santa reached down and carefully picked up Spot with his bionic arms that were capable of crushing tennis balls filled with coal to produce bouncing diamonds. "Well, little puppy, what would you like for Christmas?"
"I just wanna go home! I don't want anything! Waaaaaah!"
"Now, there, little puppy, surely you don't mean that. Wouldn't you like a nice toy car, or a cowboy dress-up set?"
"NO! EVERY CHRISTMAS I GET CRAPPY GIFTS THAT BLOW ME UP AND STUFF! I HATE CHRISTMAS! WAAAAAAH!"
Poor Spot! He had been so badly hurt in past years that he had forgotten the true spirit of Christmas: getting stuff. (Spot's tears and doggie drool soaked through Santa's fuzzy red suit and into his nuclear power core, which would explode a year later, wiping out a nearby convention of all the country'n'western musicians in the world. But that's another story.)
Spot's parents gave him the silent treatment all the way home because he embarrassed them in front of Santa, one of the most important imaginary people in the world. The only sounds in the car for the next half hour were Spot's whimpers, and Spamela's shrieks of "OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY I'M GONNA GIT A BABY JUST LIKE ME WOW AWESOME!!!!!"
* * * * *
It was Christmas morning, 199_, and Spamela was so excited that she forgot what year it was, thereby allowing the story to run in syndication for a couple more years! The executive producer was delighted, because then it wouldn't be as dated as "Spot Celebrates Arbor Day With Our Friends In Yugoslavia," which bore the subtitle "The First Network Special Ever Filmed In Color, A DuMont Production." Spamela yapped and yapped, happily doing backflips over her bed, while Spot stared at the ceiling with dread. Then Spamela and her Fly Girls sang "Whoomp! There It Is" while drinking Zima. The only thing Spot hated more than Christmas was when there was a TV special that reminded everyone in the world that everyone in the world loved Christmas except for Spot.
Of course, Spot had good reason. Little did he know that this would be the worst Christmas EVER, at least for him. Spamela ran down the stairs and started ripping the paper off her presents, in decreasing order of size, while the grown-ups took the lens off the video camera.
"OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY AWESOME!" shouted Spamela upon finding a Baby Just Like Me doll inside the biggest box. She broke off the little plastic tab to activate the doll permanently, and it immediately sat up and shouted--
"I WANNA BABY JUST LIKE ME DOLL!!!! I WANNA BABY JUST LIKE ME DOLL!!!! I WANNA BABY JUST LIKE ME DOLL!!!!"
"Oh, how cute," said Spamela.
Spom smiled. "We love her every bit as much as you, dear," she said to Spamela, "more than anything else, even the new car. And Spot, we haven't forgotten you. We love you almost as much as the other car."
Spot was still trudging down the stairs. "Mom, Dad, I've decided I'm an atheistic Communist who not only doesn't celebrate Christian holidays but believes that all material possessions should be ground into powder so that they can be distributed evenly among the workers by means of sprayers on flying tractors."
Spom shoved a big box into Spot's paws as Spop zoomed in on Spot's terrified face. The box was slightly larger than Spamela's, so at least he knew it wasn't a stupid Baby Just Like Me girl thing. He peeled back a tiny strip of paper to reveal--
a Baby Better Than Me doll. "Waah!" cried Spot.
The doll reached behind its neck and flipped its own power switch. "Too bad YOU don't have one of these, bozo," it said. The doll looked better than a young Harrison Ford, was smarter than Stephen Hawking, was more creative than Salvador Dali, and was more obnoxious than Don Rickles! It was, needless to say, better than Spot in every way!
Just then, Spot accidentally knocked the remote control for the motorized Christmas tree stand into the aquarium. This made the tree fall on him! Spot's doll, thinking quickly, shoved Spot out of the way, caught the tree, and threw it out the window, where it crushed the cast of the WB network's highest-rated show, "Asswipe & Fartz." Spom and Spop were so delighted that the doll had saved their dear Spot that they let the doll have three-quarters of Spot's breakfast instead of half. Of course, Spamela's doll, being just like her, was given a complete breakfast, but it insisted on having hers so it would be just like her, so she ate something else because she didn't have to be just like it. Everyone except Spot had a fine breakfast. Spamela finished hers in ten seconds, as did her doll. Spot's doll finished before Spot, except without its elbows on the table, and then it complimented Spom on what a fine bowl of cereal she had poured.
Everyone dragged Spot back into the living room so they could all finish unwrapping their presents. Spamela tore apart the wrapping on her second biggest present to discover--
--a saddle and a gift certificate for fifty thousand dollars from The Real Pony Store. Spamela was elated, as was her doll! Spot unwrapped his smallest present, and found--
--a gift certificate for a dollar from the Everything Here Costs A Hundred Bucks store. "Be sure to use it right away, Spot," said Spop, "you wouldn't want to hurt our feelings. Buy yourself something nice with it and your own money."
Spamela opened another package and inside was a complete wardrobe for her Baby Just Like Me doll. Everything was glamorous and yet comfortable, and there was a second copy of each dress for Spamela to wear. Spamela and the doll were delighted yet again, although the doll was still shouting "I WANNA BABY JUST LIKE ME!!!"
Meanwhile, Spot was trying to decide if his parents would believe him if he said that aliens had abducted his only remaining gift and flushed it down the toilet. It was such a little thing that they might not even notice its disappearance. Spot picked it up and--
--it popped open. Inside was a fluorescent pink bug in a top hat. "Hello, there, Spot," it said, "My name's Jiminy Cockroach, and from now on I'll be your conscience!"
Spot reached for a can of Raid, but Jiminy said, "Spot, spray cans are destroying our ozone layer. If you don't put that can down THIS VERY INSTANT you'll be worse than Hitler!" and Spot had to do it because he wanted to at least be better than someone. His doll, of course, was better than him, and was happy to make Mr. Cockroach's acquaintance. Then they both gave Spot a lesson in phonics and started teaching him all about the Bessemer process.
Spamela was having a tough time deciding which of her many remaining presents to open. Then she saw that one said 'Open Me After Spot Gets A Bug', and inside was--
--no obnoxious little cockroach! "Yay!" shouted Spamela and her doll. Spamela opened the next box, which contained a little gizmo that would automatically unwrap anything, which was great because otherwise she'd never be able to open all her gifts in one day. She opened gift after wonderful gift. Spot watched and cried. Meanwhile, his doll won the Nobel Prize.
Jiminy tried to cheer up Spot by telling him that material possessions aren't important, it was what was inside _Spot_ that was important. Spot ignored the stupid bug.
Spamela felt sorry for Spot not getting as many gifts. To cheer him up, she handed him her gizmo that could unwrap anything. "WAAH!" cried Spot as it ripped off his outer layers. Jiminy did a happy little dance.
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