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Volume 601, #2:
Ednesday, Arch 1, 1233
Xestel breaks ground on new phone HQ
Xestel, Kibonia's most strictly popular telephone company based in Heftia, has begun construction on its new headquarters in downtown Mount P. This is a much-needed windfall for the city's economy, coming only days after a mysterious explosion levelled a perfectly rectangular area of prime real estate. "We do not plan to raise our rates to pay for our glorious new building," said Xestel's Chief Regent, Lord Berling, "as Mount P has generously provided us with six billions schwas in municipal funding."
Xestel's ninety-story building will be shaped like a large curved "X"--the same familiar logo that is on every pay phone every ten feet along every sidewalk--and will help solve Mount P's noise pollution problem by broadcasting happy music from loudspeakers all day.
Completion of the building is expected during the months of Uly or Ugust. A running total of the deaths will be posted on a sign out front under the vat of acid.
Financial crisis in Heftia
The nation of Heftia has announced that due to "an unplanned budget under-run" Heftia now has a deficit of six billion schwas. To correct this situation, a twenty-percent sales tax has been established country-wide in Heftia.
Schoolteachers throughout Heftia's captial, Mount P, have raised complaints about being unable to purchase new textbooks to replace the current ones, some of which are so old as to omit the dotted red line around what is now the dangerous Radioactive Wasteland Of Arkia.
The Xestel corporation has donated some new textbooks, but the teachers have complained that the letter "X" has been moved to the beginning of the alphabet. "Whine, whine, whine," commented Xestel's Assistant Vice Magistrate In Charge Of Educational Modification, "whine, whine, whine. If those teachers just did their job, we wouldn't need textbooks!"
Diamonds not discovered in Elastia
Jonas Eubanks, the mayor of Pleasant Fields in Elastia, again denied reports that diamonds had been discovered in an abandoned gravel quarry. He denied to comment further, as he was busy supervising the installation of his new solid diamond toilet.
Mission to InEx planned
The Kibonia Fraternal Order Of Geographers has announced that they are almost ready to mount a mission to map the incorrectly explored region of Zontro, popularly known as "InEx". To avoid the fate that befell the last five expeditions, they will not bring any sort of equipment.
This expedition will be led by Hrothgar Dench, sole survivor of last year's mission to rescue child star Shirley Shul in the Radioactive Wastland. Those interested in joining the "InExPedition" should telephone 0609-(21)-919-118, or visiphone red-square-yellow-wide-bumpy.
Television Island begins 24-hour broadcasting
Television Island, the tiny island which produces and airs 99% of Kibonia's programming content, today filled the last hole in The Television Network's schedule by scheduling the reality-based sitcom "What's That Stuff?" to air at 4:30AM on TTN Channel 2. Its competition on TTN 1 is the reality-based horror series "Where's My House?". This looks like a ratings competition to watch!
Kibonia Board Of Tourism scandal
The twelve members of the Kibonia Board Of Tourism have resigned in disgrace after it was revealed that the "I (heart) Kibonia" bumper stickers may have been mailed to people without first determining whether they love Kibonia.
A warehouse in Starburg currently holds five hundred thousand of the stickers, and the Kibonia Council is at a loss for what to do to destroy them. "We tried to plow them under, but that just resulted in a bulldozer covered with bumper stickers," said Kibonia Council member Julia Beablish. It has been suggested that the stickers be given to Sil General Hospital as an economical replacement for bandages.
No news from COF
During the hour that the only drawbridge in the Country Of Freedom's moat was lowered, reporters were allowed to attend a ten-second press conference given by Dictator Friendly. "I am still in charge here," he said, and the press conference was terminated before he could answer questions about why he was a foot shorter and much heavier than he was when he was last seen in late Ecember.
Scientists in Elastia, which shares a major border with the COF, have made no progress in identifying the clouds of pink gas that come from the COF's capital city, City, although it is now apparent that they are coming from a gigantic factory painted to look like a day-care center. (The capital is conventionally called "City" outside the COF because the COF refuses to reveal its actual name.)
Kibonia's Leader Kibo has vowed to travel to the COF and give their government a stern talking-to provided they let him in, which so far they have been unwilling to do. In protest, Kibo also called for economic sanctions against the COF, but Kibonia Council members pointed out that the COF has no imports or exports except for the pink gas.
New Deedlie finds missing highway exit
The eight-month-long mystery of Exit 3 has been solved. Apparently someone had put up the sign backwards thinking that it was an on-ramp. This discrepancy was discovered when statisticians determined that over ninety-nine percent of highway fatalities occurred at the infamous "left-lane backwards on-ramp" in the south suburbs near the cemetary district.
Symmetry City to decide fate of FRED
The Fast Railway Express Dynasystem, or FRED, may remain closed indefinitely pending a feasibility study and a corresponding unfeasability study (both of which are required to maintain Symmetry City's balanced harmony.) Symmetry City, a planned city in a perfectly circular layout, built the circumferential FRED during the summer of 1231, and because Symmetry City is on the coast, half the stops are underwater. While the automated trains function perfectly well underwater, with the doors opening and closing at every stop, the surviving passengers have been complaining.
Insane Island now full
After the disastrous "and sometimes y" debacle in the school system, the resulting avalanche of mad scientists has overflowed every asylum on Isane Island. Crazy people are now being kept in other out-of-the-way places, such as in a hot-air balloon tethered to the top of Mount Pointy, and in the Pinkpeace underwater colony. The leaders of the Kibonian nations (especially Blarm, which has the most insane people per capita, probably due to the presence of Television City) have been unanimous in their demands that Insane Island accept new patients, but the management of Insane Island would only comment (by fax), "No more! No more! They're driving us crazy!"
Medical breakthrough in baldness
Last week, scientists discovered a way to make people bald from a distance of up to a mile.
It is unclear what benefits this could have. The research was conducted at West Wox University with military funding, and further details are classified.
WebWave, Poppin hits of ORGDEX
The ORGDEX electronics-industry trade show, held every Ebruary in Touriston, held many surprises (as always) this year. The once-dominant, now-struggling Jalapeno Computer company positioned itself for a potential comeback by introducing "Poppin", a new pertable computer aimed at travelling executives. The Poppin combines all the functionality of a conventional computer with a luggage cart. Looking much like a regular computer with small wheels and a large sticker which says "PLACE SUITCASES ON HERE", the Poppin will cost only slightly more than a computer and a luggage rack.
Elsewhere on the show floor, the big news was GeneralWare's "WebWave", an add-on box that converts any household microwave oven into a Web browser. Although the company did not actually demonstrate this product ("for security reasons", according to GeneralWare CEO Gil Bates) their press conference convinced this reporter that the WebWave not only allows you to view holographic Web pages in four dimensions on an ordinary microwave, but it also increases your longevity.
The Poppin and WebWave will soon be available at home electronics stores everywhere (except in the COF.)
The only other "hit" of ORGDEX was when an onlooker threw a pie at Gil Bates. As anyone who would throw a pie at Gil Bates is obviously insane, the crazy person was hauled away to an undisclosed location other than Insane Island. Bates made several witty remarks about the incident after he stopped crying.
Red cherries banned again
Cherries soaked in red dye, a popular Kibonian dessert topping, have been pulled from store shelves following reports that Red Dye #666 may cause cancer patients' tumors to become redder. The Kibonia Council has mandated that from now on, all cherries (including naturally red ones) be soaked in chlorine bleach. Also, a small piece of black tape must be placed on the screen of every Pac-Man game to cover up the little cherries.
Lame humor magazine to fold
The lame "Wacky", Kibonia's only (and lamest) humor magazine, has ceased publication, perhaps because they were so lame. Defending his lame magazine, lame editor Leon "Lame" Straino said something, but it was so lame we won't bother reporting it.
The lame magazine in question was published by the Binski Publishing Group, which was started by former staff members of The Kibonia Times. Although the Kibonia Times is not legally permitted to reveal why they quit, they have never once denied, on the record, that they are big lame-os.
First Lady Of The Kibonian Theater Still Not Dead
The oldest living celebrity, Miss Arlene Artberne, is still not dead, at the age of 103. She is currently appearing in a stage production of her one-woman show, "Narrrrrr Gaaaaaaaaa Wa Blaaarrrrrr Zzzzzz," despite losing her hair for unknown reasons last week.
Lottery jackpot at all-time high
The Extremely Minor Lottery grand prize passed the two-schwa mark for the first time since weekly drawings were begun four years ago. Lottery officials are hopeful that this year will be their first to turn a profit.
That Was All The News
...and we thank you for reading The Kibonia Times, Kibonia's only respected newspaper. We apologize for the omission of advertisements in this issue but we will make up for it next time.
In our next edition (Pril 1, 1233) we will report on startling developments involving nuclear waste in your back yard. Until then, have a great day!
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