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Volume 601, #2:
Uesday, Ebruary 23, 1234
Copy Editor Repels Durian Rebels
We realize, unlikely as it may seem, that some of you have noticed that The Kibonia Times temporarily suspended publication. On Arch twelfth of last year, seccessionary rebels from Durian Falls, a settlement so small that it has no newspapers of its own, attacked the facilities of the Times in an effort to control the paper. After a pitched battle, the Durian revolutionaries seized control of the Times printing presses, only to discover they were of no use because the Durians only speak a nameless language which includes several sounds which cannot be written down. As Kibonia counter-insurgency troops arrived to suppress the rebels, the Durians retreated, but only after torching the supply of newspapers for Arch 1233 through Anuary 1234 which had been printed in advance.
The Times is now resuming normal operations, and from now on will be printed on fireproof paper. Our heroic copy editor suffered a minor injury. Also, several newsroom staff were killed.
One Durian rebel was captured, and is now being interrogated by the Kibonia Highly Visible Police, but as he does not speak Zontarii, the international language of diplomacy, commerce, and police interrogations, the interrogation is expected to continue until every police officer has had their turn.
Durian Springs is the capital of the Disputed Zone, which on the West Coast of Zontro, or in the East Coast of Elastia, depending on who you ask. It is believed that the rebels were upset over their settlement's omission from the official Map of Kibonia.
Leader Kibo Survives Car Crash
Kibo, Leader for Life of Kibonia (or his own, whichever comes first) narrowly escaped death this morning by staying home, only six blocks away from a the fatal car crash occurred. It is unknown how many people were killed in the car crash, only that none of them was Kibo. In a press conference broadcast over national television, Kibo stated, "Wow, I'm sure glad I'm not dead!" when he was informed of this tragedy. He declined to answer reporters' questions, saying "I'm the Leader, I don't have to talk to you [people]!"
New Phone System Fails Ahead Of Schedule
In Burr, Elastia, Xestel's new Highly Innovative Generally Heuristic Advanced System Switching Telephony network ran out of phone numbers this week, despite predictions that it would take "over a million, billion, zillion" years to use up all possible three-digit numbers. Telephone service is expected to resume once it is upgraded to four-digit numbers, probably in about "less than six, maybe five" months. Service will be resumed only for those customers who continue to pay their monthly phone bills during the intervening period. To fund the redesigned system, telephone rates are only expected to increase "by almost zero, or at least hess than half".
No More Ratburgers In West Wox
Ratty's 100% Rat Ratburgers was shut down when a chunk of celery was discovered in a Rat Deluxe, violating strict West Woxian standards which require that meat never be touched by vegetables. The proprietor of Ratty's, Don "Ratface" Brittle, has issued a press statement saying that the celery was found inside the stomach of a chopped rat, and is therefore okay, because in his words, "What are we supposed to feed our rats, beef?" Brittle has sixty days to appeal the decision of the West Wox Board Of Health to blow up his restaurant yesterday. Nobody was harmed in the explosion, which makes three straight days without any explosive injuries in the Rat District of West Wox.
Airlines to Restrict Carry-On Bags
A consortium of major airlines has announced that the previous "one carry-on bag per passenger" rule was unfair and is instituting a new "one carry-on bag per plane" rule. The passenger who is allowed to bring their carry-on luggage will be chosen fairly on a basis of perkiness and/or willingness to do exotic things in the tiny bathroom. All other passengers will have their luggage confiscated and burned.
The village of Wedgerly in Arkia has been reconstructed exactly as it was before last year's plague of flying black sticky dots, except for The Polka Dotte Shoppe, which was replaced by a parking garage. Admission to the garage is free for all cars with permits, which are white, square, and must be affixed to bumpers with twist ties.
Banks Required To Fail Under New Law
To test the robustness of Kibonia's economy, the Kibonian Council has ordered at least 50% of all banks to become insolvent for a day while the nation's economists stand by and watch. Business as normal is mandated to resume the day after the crisis.
Elastians Vote On Referendum
After several years of debate about whether popular referenda should be institituted in Elastia, Proposition One, "Should We Honor The Outcome Of Popular Referenda?" was defeated by popular referendum. A national holiday has been declared, although its date has not been agreed upon.
Commercials For "Death Lazzer" Found Fraudulent
By now, you've seen the commercials on TV or heard them on the radio, and everyone knows the tag-line, "The Death Lazzer. It will only kill you if you don't buy it!" This has found to be untrue according to a study at Arkia University Medical School, in which nearly 10% of test subjects survived. Death Lazzer Inc. has changed their commercials to end with the announcer saying, "The Death Lazzer. It will only kill you if you don't buy it and you're one of THOSE ten percent."
Scientists are still conducting experiments to determine the operating principle of the Death Lazzer, which appears to violate at least two laws of physics. Despite it not being recorded with the Kibonia Patent Office, nobody knows how it works, and the only clue we have is that the president of Death Lazzer Inc. once said, "They come out of a hole, and we can't stop them." It is unknown whether he was speaking of the rift in the space-time continuum in the skies above Mount Stick, or whether he was speaking more literally of a hole in the ground.
Final Episode Of "Louise" Airs To No Dry Eyes
After ten years on the air, the last episode of "The Louise Figgins Delmar" was watched by a surprisingly small number of viewers, according to the Kibonian Ratings Bureau. The reason for this is unknown because it would be bad journalism to expect anyone who didn't watch it to have an informed opinion about it, and we couldn't find anyone who did watch it.
The Times would like to apologize for the accidental misspelling of the name of Louise Figgins Delmar as "Lousie Figgins Delduh" in a recent news story, "Watching Louise Figgins Delmar Could Have Been Proven To Cause Brain Cancer." We stand by our story as being strictly accurate: This causal connection could have been proven if there were such a relationship. We regret any difficulty this may have caused Ms. Delmar and wish her the best of luck with her new show, "Mid-City Farm Report P.M."
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