This page contains as many uses of Kibo's wacky catchphrase "NO MORE BACON!" as you need to see... and then, as an added bonus, segues into the complete rules for trolling newbies! These two topics don't go together, but, well, they collide in the long post halfway down.
Note that "trolling" is the sport of posting a ludicrously inaccurate statement that could only be interpreted as a joke (i.e. "During the filming of 'Goldfinger', seven people were accidentally killed by the flying hat.") and then waiting for idiots to post responses along the lines of "I think you are probably joking, but I must demonstrate my superior intellect anyway: 'Goldfinger' was just pretend, and the hat wasn't real." A "troll" is the mis-statement of fact, the bait, not the person who posted it, and contrary to popular belief, trolling is NOT the same as "flame-baiting"; "flame-bait" is posting "You suck! Your computer sucks!" and has little entertainment value for people with IQs above 50. However, trolling has great entertainment value, but only for those of us who got 2300 on our SATs.
The most artful trolls are those that are actually true but encourage people to "correct" you incorrectly, i.e. "Did you know that the lie detector was invented by the same guy who created Wonder Woman?"
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: unedited Dave Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave_barry, alt.religion.kibology Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Sun, 14 Aug 1994 07:34:39 GMT In alt.fan.dave_barry, David Lesher (email@example.com) wrote: > > firstname.lastname@example.org (Eric A. Seiden) writes: > > > > I suggest you go stand outside his house. That's where I pick up my > > articles. He throws them on the ground as a gesture of godwill towards his > .........................................................^^^ > > fans. Sometimes he rips pages out of his books and throws them out. Once he > > hit me broadside with a WHOLE book. > > Now, let us pray.... > Our Kibo, thouist in Miami...... Oh, come now... ...I can't be in Miami, I don't even OWN a pair of dark green polyester slacks. I do talk about golf games I played in the forties before those damn beatniks took over the government and stopped issuing ration books which were the only thing that kept this country whole lousy bastards someone should smack them but nobody listens to me because of my surgery! In MY day when someone had surgery everyone wanted to see but today they just run away and won't even ask why the jar's so big. Bacon was ten cents a ton and your teeth got pulled out every day! Eisenhower had a dog, Alexander the great had a dog, but they won't let ME have a dog because of the urine! I don't mind urine! And my sense of smell is just as good as yours young man and my hearing may not be so good but at least I listen instead of just droning on and on about things! The whole world's going to hell and nobody cares but me! I'm not done, don't wheel me back in yet! I can't zip this thing any more. No more bacon! -- K.
From: email@example.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Losing your glasses sucks Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Sat, 22 Feb 1997 09:34:14 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9012 centons, 81 microns, .07 blezmons X-Kibo-Equipment: Synchro Universal Sinometric Integrated Equitensor (SUSIE) firstname.lastname@example.org (Sean Smith) wrote: > > Lee, let's face it--having bad eyesight in general plain sucks. Really? It's VITAL for artistic endeavors. I take my glasses off and I can do microscopically detailed work. I have really bad nearsightedness, which is why I ' m s o m u c h m o r e c r e a t i v e t h a n you. Smarter, too. Glasses do that. Do you think Stephen Hawking would be where he is today if it weren't for his glasses? No, he'd be running around playing Ultimate Frisbee and talking about how much he looks up to that brainy David Brenner! > "Let me tell you a secret," said Mr. Valmik. "There's no such thing > as an uninteresting life." > --"A Fine Balance," by Rohinton Mistry Try a tech school's campus if you've never met a counterexample. I introduced some of them to Will Rogers, star of M*A*S*H, and he immediately gave up writing FOREVER, which is why the Daily (Schenectady) Gazette is STILL printing his old columns instead of paying him to do something about those filthy skinhead grunge hippies like you! -- K. P.S. BC's Tip O'Neill library has good security, but it doesn't keep Kibo from wandering through it, so is it really good security? Tell your friends at BC to Kibo-proof their campus IMMEDIATELY. And the other problem with BC is that when Clumsy Carp bends over to look at the fish, sometimes his little skirt rides up and you can almost see where his hinder would be if Johnny Hart could draw better than he can write. Sick! Stop looking at Clumsy Carp's butt! It's okay to smear Silly Putty all over the Fat Broad and stick her to Andy Capp. I need to go to bed. No more bacon!!!!
From: email@example.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: A brief visit with Kibo. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.religion.kibology.orthodox, alt.religion.kibology.second-coming, alt.exploding.kibo, alt.politics.kibo Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Sun, 2 Mar 1997 11:10:32 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 2705 centons, 63 microns, .01 blezmons X-Kibo-Equipment: Synchro Universal Sinometric Integrated Equitensor (SUSIE) (FADE IN TO SCENE OF ELEGANT RESORT.) INTERVIEWER: We're here at the ultra-prest-ee-gee-ous Club Ned because we've been granted a brief glimpse into the hilariously wacky world of everyone's favorite entertainment personality, the one and only Kibo. Kibo has graciously agreed to spend a few of his precious moments with us. (KIBO ENTERS, WEARING A LAMPSHADE ON HIS HEAD AND INHALING HELIUM FROM A TANK ON HIS BACK. HE BEGINS TO TWIRL AROUND WHILE SHOUTING IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.) KIBO: I'm Fudgy The Whale! Love me! I am Fudgy The Whale and I am here to invent the light bulb! I don't like cheese! Mr. Wizard thinks he's so smart, but I'm Fudgy The Whale! I own Schenectady! Gondola! Nougat! Wheeeeeeee! (KIBO FALLS INTO THE SWIMMING POOL, WHICH EXPLODES.) INTERVIEWER: Well, I guess that's all the time Kibo can spare. Gosh, that light bulb thing sounds hard! We gotta go, folks. Good night, and remember, alt.tv.seaquest is easier to flummox than any other newsgroup! (KIBO'S ZANY CLOSING THEME MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING, UNDERWATER.) -- K. Yes, even rec.org.mensa is speedier on the uptake than alt.tv.seaquest. Or as I like to call it, WHEEEEEEEEQUEST! NO MORE BACON!!!!!!
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov, alt.religion.kibology From: firstname.lastname@example.org (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Mike goes swimming. Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Mon, 3 Mar 1997 06:16:14 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9012 centons, 81 microns, .07 blezmons X-Kibo-Equipment: Synchro Universal Sinometric Integrated Equitensor (SUSIE) In alt.fan.mike-jittlov, "kevin wickart" (email@example.com) wrote: > > Okay, I read the article where Mike explained how the pool sequence in > TWOSAT was done--deep breath, weights in his pockets. I don't doubt that he > could hold his breath that long. In my youth, so could I. Barely. Tuba > player's lungs, dontcha know. > What I'm curious about is the shadow that oozes out to him from the left > side of the pool right after he hits bottom. What was that? His soul! It's a little-known fact that Mike was actually murdered during the "attempted murder" scene, for added realism. Mike, well known as a "method actor" along the lines of Strasberg, Brando, and Landau, insisted the scene be filmed this way to help "sell" the shot (this is why they did two takes, for "insurance". It was a double-indemnity clause.) Mike was replaced with a joystick-controlled robot, which later went on to play the title character in "Ghost". Is it true what they say about tuba players? Do you have a real tuba or one of those goofy plastic Sousaphones which are really just big kazoos? Why can't I spell it "kazooz"? Why do Pez, Orbitz, and Zima have a "z" but not Mentos? If you put them in the oven do you get Mentoast? If you put a tuba on it do you get a tuba melt? When Martin Landau flew the crop-duster past Mike Jittlov, did Alfred Hitchock really have a cameo as "Man doing a bad impression of Alfred Hitchcock"? How did Allen Funt manage to film "What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?" because the opening titles said "Nobody who was wearing clothes was aware they were being filmed." and he was wearing clothes! Did Allen Funt ever get nude? If he had, would civilization have collapsed? If David L. Hewitt was responsible for one of my favorite scenes in WOSAT, does this mean Mike Jittlov made Robert Vaughn stumble during that scene in "The Lucifer Complex"? Where's my hat? No more bacon! -- K. Power Pez will seal the fate of the nation's "grunge" youth!!!
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Year 2000 urgency not needed? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc, rec.arts.startrek.misc, rec.arts.drwho, alt.tv.seaquest Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Sat, 14 Jun 1997 07:27:16 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9581 centons, 71 microns, .04 mugars X-Kibo-Equipment: a distributed Lego robot (distributed by accident) In [several newsgroups], email@example.com (Ann Martin) wrote: > > Maelstrom (firstname.lastname@example.org) wrote: > > > > I mean at least I can tell the > > difference between the original Star wars with James Shatner and Star > > trek which has captain Picard. > > But you CAN'T tell the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars and > you don't know Shatner's name. Yeah! Everyone knows "James Tiberius" was his maiden name, before he married the producer, Majel Barrett! Did anyone else see the trailer for the new "SeaQuest" movie on "E!"? -- K. And didn't the dolphin's new wig look really stupid?
From: email@example.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Trolling for dollars (was: Year 2000 urgency not needed?) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Sun, 15 Jun 1997 06:48:12 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9581 centons, 71 microns, .04 mugars X-Kibo-Equipment: a distributed Lego robot (distributed by accident) In alt.religion.kibology, firstname.lastname@example.org wrote: > > Michael Straight wanted to share: > : > : High marks for humor, but multiplied by a fairly low difficulty rating, > :your total score is still well above average in a slow week for ARK. > > I'm sorry, I have to give Maelstrom much higher marks than you do. > > The quality of the responses makes all the difference for me. > > Every time I read one of these and think, "Naw. Too obvious! He's overplayed > his hand." He gets three more fish. > > FLAWLESS VICTORY! That, indeed, is what makes a good troll. My strategy is to see how ludicrous I can make the trollery and still have someone fall for it. For instance, "William Shatner owns six pairs of green socks." isn't a good troll if he owns seven pairs. "Isn't William Shatner a pair of green socks?" is a good troll, but ONLY if it works, and generates one of the four desired responses: LEVEL 1 TROLLAGE (GULLIBOZO, 100 points): "He is? Oh no! Now I'd better tell everyone else I know who used to like him!!!" Believes everything he or she reads in actual print, which includes Usenet. LEVEL 2 TROLLAGE (CYCLOPEDANT, 10 points): "No he isn't. I know because he was on Star Trek last night and spent six hours enlarging every frame on my computer to look for green socks and you're wrong, you must be stupid or something!" Lacks a bullshit detector. LEVEL 3 TROLLAGE (IMPEDANT, 3.14159 points): "I know this must be an attempt to troll me, but I'll answer it anyway: No, he isn't. He is a human being." Bullshit detector malfunctioning, allowing pedantal lobe to override. LEVEL 4 TROLLAGE (OTHER, 1/2 point): "I don't know." Doesn't know but seems too interested for own good. The desired response to an attempt at trolling is *not* a flame. Flame-bait is not trolling, and trolling is not flame-bait, although it sometimes generates flames from those whose bullshit detector is connected directly to the bullshit generator. Flames generated by attempts to troll people do not affect your score. I should mention also the concept of a META-TROLL, which consists of posting a COMPLETELY ACCURATE, TRUE, SANE statement and having trollage ensue. (true statement) "Nichelle Nichols on 'Star Trek' was dating the producer, Gene Roddenberry!" (level 2 response) "No, that was Majel Barrett!" (explanation, not promulgated) Gene Roddenberry really was dating Nichelle "Lt. Uhura" Nichols *and* Majel "Nurse Chapel" Barrett at the same time. Meta-trolls generate BONUS POINTS, doubling your score. There's also the COUNTER-TROLL, which is the concept of parrying a troll with another troll, often done by people whose bullshit detector is connected to the trollerizer: (obvious troll) "Major Barrett wrote every episode of 'Star Trek' with his wife, Jean Roddenberry." (troll detected and parried) "Actually, you're thinking of 'Deep Babylon Nine', starring George Lucas's pet rabbit Binky." If the counter-troll generates trollage, the counter-troller receives double points, and they are deducted from YOUR score, you LOSER! The first person on the Internet to receive 10,000,000 points will be declared the winner and will receive "hitsies". Also you must take a drink whenever someone mentions Star Trek, ever. -- K. I invented trolling the year after I invented the smilie. Also I didn't say if he _gets_ hitsies or _GETS_ hitsies.
From: email@example.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: What is a troll Newsgroups: rec.video.satellite.dbs, alt.dss, alt.dbs.echostar, alt.religion.kibology Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Wed, 18 Jun 1997 05:37:45 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9581 centons, 71 microns, .04 mugars X-Kibo-Equipment: a distributed Lego robot (distributed by accident) In [three satellite newsgroups], firstname.lastname@example.org (Dr. W. Frank) wrote: > > Follows are the rules of trolling reposted from > alt.religion.kibology, by one of Usenets > experts : James Kibo Parry You've been trolled. Whoever made up those "rules" was a bozo. The actual rules of trolling a newsgroup are: 1.) The player to the dealer's left goes first, unless it's dark on Tuesday. 2.) Smear raspberry jam all over your face and shout "I'm a wacky funster!" 3.) Watch every episode of NBC's "seaQuest DSV" six thousand times, including the three they never filmed. 4.) Write a Usenet posting containing the phrases "doidy doidy doidy" and "waffle-like Styrofoam-based pants". 5.) Repeat step 2. 6.) Be aware that you are NOT, under any circumstances, a wacky funster. -- K. I'm a wacky funster!
From: email@example.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: What is a troll Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Wed, 25 Jun 1997 06:18:59 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9581 centons, 71 microns, .04 mugars X-Kibo-Equipment: a distributed Lego robot (distributed by accident) firstname.lastname@example.org (Daniel Schunneman UNX) wrote: > > Forget the "doidy doidy doidy", but could we have more details on the > "waffle-like Styrofoam-based pants"? No. Keep working on "doidy doidy doidy": you have to EARN the waffelhosen! -- K. Die Waffelhosen! Die, Waffelhosen, Die! Don't you ladder me tights! NO MORE BACON! (pooooooz) urlap sil | | K .
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: email@example.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Women Pay Kibo For Intimate Services Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Tue, 4 Nov 1997 07:34:30 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1023 centons, 97 microns, .01 woxwox X-Newsreader: McTV. It's a Web browser and a "delicious" burger! firstname.lastname@example.org (Tjames Madison) wrote: > > Shawn Roske (email@example.com) wrote: > : > : Tjames Madison (firstname.lastname@example.org) wrote: > : > > : > I have no joke, I just wanted to introduce this thread into the Hivemind. > : > : You live in Pittsburg???? > > Oh, god, I'm old. If I were to archive this post, people in the distant future--early 1998-- would be baffled by its mysteriosity. (Kibo's voice takes on a somber tone.) Scientists tell us that ancient astronauts could not have written this post mere months ago. Therefore, ancient astronauts must have written this recent post thousands of years ago. Time is a circle, without beginning or end, but it has a rich creamy filling with a flaky crust and chocolate sprinkles living their tiny little lives on it until one day they fall off and get stepped on over and over and set fire to with a magnifying glass. Science cannot explain the impossible, therefore, science is useless. -- K. Science is a little bird sitting in a tree that smells like cheese. YES MORE BACON!!!
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