FACE!THE!NATION

My dreams are often even weirder than my fiction.
So I try to work them in wherever possible.

From:         kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Reply-To:     not-kibo@not-world.not-std.not-com
Subject:      FACE!THE!NATION (story, new) and another DUMB DREAM!
Newsgroups:   alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.movies.current-films
Followup-To:  alt.religion.kibology
Organization: HappyNet Headquarters
Date:         Thu, 10 Jul 1997 19:26:34 GMT

Last night I dreamed I was at this party with Frank Sinatra.  
The old guy started to sing (I don't remember which song), and
collapsed.  They rushed him away somewhere and strapped his head
into this big machine, which ripped off his face (he starts
screaming here) and... a robot arm put Marlon Brando's face on him!

Now, that's dumber than the dream where Jeff Foxworthy came over
and died, or the one where I was Harlan Ellison, or the one
where I was George Bush in elementary school, or the one where I
was playing videogames with Claudia Christian.  (It's FAR dumber
than the last one.)  It's even dumber than the time I dreamed I
was watching a commercial where Andre the seal blew a raspberry,
in exactly the same way.

You know a movie has a stupid premise when it shows up in your
dreams.  I have not seen "FACE/OFF".  I have no plans to see
"FACE/OFF".  I would hate "FACE/OFF".  However, I will explain
the ending in great detail here and now, as I can always guess
these things.

The good guy (who has the bad guy's face) switches faces with a
third guy, who gets gunned down.  Then the good guy (with the
innocent bystander's face) captures the bad guy and they switch
faces back.  Except, the big face-switching machine drops the
innocent bystander's face on the floor and then puts it on the
bad guy upside down, and he's got an upside-down face forever
and ever!  THE END.  Also in the next Star Trek film, at the end 
Mr. Data shoots Picard with a crossbow!  THE END.

Now have a slightly less illogical version of that same plot.
I just made the whole thing up.  So sue me.



                 SPOT - EINSTEIN - FACE/THE/NATION
       
                    A FILM BY JAMES "KIBO" PARRY
         
               Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry


It was a warm summer morning in the apartment shared by Albert
Einstein and his dog, Spot.  Spot woke up in a puddle of cold
drool, as always.  He took a drink of water from his doggie
dish, saw his reflection and screamed!  He looked like Albert
Einstein from the neck up!
    A guy who looked like Albert Einstein from the neck down,
and Spot from the neck up, strolled into the room.  "WHEE!"
shouted Einstein, who was clearly in another of his evil
periods, "WHAT A PREDICAMENT!  I've perfected my face-stealing
Xerox machine!  La la la!"  He grabbed a phone and began
dialing.
    Across the room, the other phone rang.  Spot answered. 
"Hello?"
    "IT'S MEEEEEE!  I'M INSANE!!!!" shouted Einstein on the
other line.  Then he held up a squeaky toy to the mouthpiece and
gave it a good squeeze.  "Ha!  Now that I am insane and have
someone else's face, I can do whatever I want!"
    Spot was stunned by the professor's display of logic. 
Einstein ran out the door, bounced down the stairs, hopped into
his sciencemobile, and went off to start his very first crime
spree.
    Spot went back to his breakfast, a cold bowl of Alpo.  He
began to cry.  He didn't like having a long fluffy mustache!  It
made the Alpo taste like Alpo with people hair in it instead of
dog hair!  And he was getting Alpo all over his big messy
hairdo, too!  He ran for the bathroom and stuck his face in the
toilet to wash it off.  "Heh heh," he said to himself, "if only
Einstein could see me sticking his face in the toilet.  Look! 
I'm sticking Einstein's face in the toilet!  I'm doing it again!
Eww!  This is gross."
    Spot shook his face dry.  The doorbell rang.  It was a
salesman.  "Hello, little puppy who looks like Albert Einstein,"
he said, "I'm The Man With Bogart's Face.  See?"  He held up a
glass jar with something decomposing in it.  "I've been endorsed
by Harlan Ellison!"  Spot slammed the door in the guy's face,
breaking the jar and sending Bogart-flavored formaldehyde
running down the stairs.
    Ding dong!  The doorbell rang again.  "You better not be the
stupid jar guy!" shouted Spot as he ran back to open it again. 
On the other side was a guy who looked like Frank Sinatra, only
in his underwear and weighing about six hundred pounds.  He had
an ice bucket on his head.
    "Duhhh, lookit me, I'm Frank Sinaaaaaatraaaaaa!" screamed
the man in a high-pitched, effeminate singsong voice, while
twirling around.  Then he put on some purple eyeshadow.  "I'm
Fraaaaaaaaank Sinaaaaaaaaatra!  Lookit me!"  Spot ran past him
to escape, and to look for the evil Einstein with his face.  The
Sinatra guy looked disappointed.  "Oh, rats.  Back to my
iiiiiislannnnnd!"
    Spot knocked several fruit carts and hay wagons into
swimming pools filled with rad teens and stuck-up rich guys, and
caught up with Einstein at the mall.  They knocked over every
item in every store, one by one, and then broke every piece of
glass within fifty miles with sledgehammers!  Spot chased
Einstein into Air Force One, which was parked outside.  The
plane took off.  Einstein picked up the President and started
beating Spot over the head with him!
    "Ow!  Ow!" shouted Spot.
    "Yow!  Yow!" shouted the President.
    "Ha ha ha!" laughed Evil Einstein, not realizing that behind
him Spot could see the approaching alien mothership.  Spot hit
the nuclear destruct button on the President's belt and jumped
out of the airplane just before Air Force One destroyed the
alien ship in a huge nuclear fireball!  By flapping his little
paws, Spot was able to fly away from the nuclear blast, barely
outrunning it.
    "I'll see you in Helllllll!" screamed Einstein, firing his
gun upwards at the camera as he was blasted out of the airplane.
Fortunately, he had a parachute in his sock!  Spot flapped his
paws and flew over to him and wrestled the sock away and put it
on, then pulled the ripcord.  Einstein fell on a big puffy circus
tent, which bounced him onto the caboose of the Orient Express
which was entering the Chunnel at supersonic speed.
    Spot parachuted into the cockpit of an unoccupied helicopter
which was hovering nearby and flew into the tunnel after
Einstein, who had already run to the front of the train. 
Einstein turned the train around, making it swerve to hit Spot! 
The helicopter was smashed, and Spot was hurled through the air
into a blast furnace which was filled with liquid nitrogen. 
Einstein followed, but Spot tricked him into stepping into a
puddle of liquid nitrogen, which made his whole body shatter. 
But he was made of liquid metal and all the pieces came back
together, as Spot ran for the only thing that could save him
now: a cardboard cupcake.
    "Look!" said Spot, "I have a cardboard cupcake and you
don't!"
    "Yeah, but I'm you, so YOU don't have a cardboard cupcake!"
    "Waah!" Spot cried! "You're supposed to fall for my trick so
that everyone in the audience can cheer and holler when you get
killed in an incredibly gory way!"
    Einstein knocked the cupcake out of Spot's paw.  "Say your
prayers, Einsteinheaded little puppy!  I'm going to pull the
trigger on this bazooka and blow you to pieces in five seconds! 
FIVE!"
    The cardboard cupcake was slowly falling to the ground. 
"FOUR!"  In continued falling.  "THREE!"  It fell some more. 
"TWO!"  Falling, falling.  "ONE!"   The cupcake had almost
fallen all the way to the ground three feet below.  "ZERO!  I'M
GOING TO PULL THE TRIGGER....... NOW!"
    Einstein pulled the trigger.  The bazooka's deadly
projectile was halfway to Spot's Einsteinhead, when the cupcake
fell on the button that made Spot's face (on Einstein's head)
morph into a thousand deadly black widow spiders! 
"AAAAIIIIEEEE!" screamed evil Einstein, "THE SPIDERS ARE EATING
YOUR FACE!"
    Einstein then fell off the catwalk into a vat of molten
metal, which was poured into a mold which made it into a rocket
ship, which was then fired into the Sun, knocking over three
more fruit carts along the way.  The Sun exploded, and Spot
barely outran the blast on a moped!  Then he had sex with one of
the many people who are turned on by dogs with Einstein heads.  
Oh, and while doing it, he faced the nation, especially those 
stuck-up rich guys in the pool.  Everyone in the audience cheered!

                              THE END

From:         kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject:      Re: FACE!THE!NATION (story, new) and another DUMB DREAM!
Newsgroups:   alt.religion.kibology
Organization: HappyNet Headquarters
Date:         Fri, 11 Jul 1997 15:26:17 GMT

Gary Williams  (gwms@mcn.org) wrote:
>
> James Kibo Parry wrote:
> >
> >                Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry
> > 
>       {incredibly long .sig snipped}
> 
> Congratulation! You've surpassed your INCREDIBLY LONG .SIG record!
> For the 4,2222,2222,2222,756th time!
> 
> Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Thanks, ersatz Fonzie.  (I know your secret: you're really that
super-cool greaser chimp, Fonzo, who lives in Ronald Reagan's hair.
Please don't eat the daisies!  I'm looking for a ripe KUMQUAT.)

> P.S.: The not- inserts in the return mail address are a pain
> to gorp out, even though they're litterarilaly funny.
> Ah, Kibo be well and mongie.

I'm considering starting an ISP named nospam.removethis.com.
And everyone will be given accounts named "not-this" and "not-that",
although it will be kind of confusing with only those two.  And very
special friends will be allowed to post as
"not-not-not-this@removethis.nospam.nospam.removethis.com".

                                      -- K.
                                      I was going to make a joke about
                                      Project N, but as a serious beta
                                      tester, I've signed a non-parody agreement.