I first posted this in 1992. It's traditionally posted when it's still April Fools day in a tiny fraction of the world. It's a satire of the "Usenet 2" plans, only I wrote it a few years before Usenet 2 was proposed. So there.
This is the 1998 edition, which was the 1994 edition (top half) with the new 1998 material (bottom half). I glued the new stuff on this way because a lot of the stuff in the old one has aged badly, and I didn't feel up to replacing all the six-year-old inside jokes with equivalent current ones (there aren't any.)
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: IMPORTANT PROCLAMATION: THE *NEW* FUTURE OF THE NET Newsgroups: alt.config, news.admin.net-abuse.usenet, alt.religion.kibology, news.groups Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Wed, 1 Apr 1998 X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9136 centons, 74 microns, .02 abians Distribution: world, alt, happynet, secretdistribution Approved: by all right-thinking persons everywhere! X-URL-OF-WWW-DOT-KIBO-DOT-COM: http://www.kibo.com Well, folks, HappyNet, first proposed in 1992 and last proposed in 1994, has proven to be a resounding success, becoming over 50000% more popular than Usenet (among a random survey of HappyNet users.) Of course, to keep parity, Usenet has attempted to implement a radical "Usenet 2" plan, a cheap imitation of HappyNet. But now... it's 1998. THAT'S ALMOST 2000!!! Therefore, I am pleased to announce a technological and ethical leap of biblical proportions: HappyNet 3. HappyNet 3, also known informally as "Power HappyNet 2000 1998", is not only better than Usenet, it's better than Usenet 2. Those of you who are reading this on HappyNet already know the warmth and love which is transmitted, backed by full force of law, through HappyNet, and will welcome its maturation into HappyNet 3. And for those of you who are still clinging to the defunct old Usenet groups, wake up and smell the Java, caveman! Usenet is gone! It was taken down in 1994 and you are only reading reruns! But come to HappyNet and all will be forgiven.* *Except for sins, crimes, and other bad behavior. In an effort to englighten such huddled masses, I present the 1994 HappyNet Manifesto, which has been in effect for four years, followed by the brand-new and legally impending HappyNet 3 Manifesto. ----------------------------------- (1994) ----------------------------------- P R O C L A M A T I O N & M A N I F E S T O *********************************************** WHEREAS, the computer network named USENET has insurmountable flaws: => It is cluttered with thousands of disorganized groups. => It is difficult to use due to the various software interfaces. => It is infected with viruses, especially in the .signatures. => There is no formal rulebook and no official administration. => Bozos abound. => Power-crazed maniacs frequently try to manipulate Usenet at their whim. These problems are most important. THEREFORE, in an official and secret democratic vote, Kibo has been duly elected LEADER OF THE NET. To correct this heinous situation, LEADER KIBO has decided to take bold measures, a brave new initiative, detailed herein. WAKE UP, IT'S 1994! THE FUTURE WILL NOT WAIT FOR A VOTE! Here is what Leader Kibo has decided--what MUST be done--what WILL be done: PHASE ONE. GLOBAL RMGROUPS FOR ALL USENET GROUPS WILL BE ISSUED ON 4/15/94, 06:00 GMT. A Day Without Usenet shall pass, and it will be a time of rest for government employees. Many will discover life, or at least television. Desperate soc.singles readers will have nervous breakdowns. ClariNet will go bankrupt. UUNET's modems will cool off. The world will rotate a full three hundred sixty degrees just the same. Every Usenet group, and all its associated problems, will have been wiped off the face of the Earth forever by the might of the rmgroup. Of course, to prevent any power-crazed maniacs from putting the groups back, the newsgroup `control' will be rmgrouped FIRST. Thus, the situation will be permanent. Nobody will undo the Pax Kibotica! PHASE TWO. NEWGROUPS FOR THE GROUPS IN THE NEW HIERARCHY WILL BE ISSUED ON 4/16/43, 06:00 GMT. The new network shall be named HAPPYNET, as it will be a Better Place. Usenet is dead. Long live HappyNet! ********* HAPPYNET: THE NET THAT'S HAPPIER THAN YOU! ********* UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE ALL-WISE LEADER KIBO, THE NEW NETWORK SHALL BE ORGANIZED THUSLY: Three hierarchies encompassing ALL HUMAN DISCOURSE: => nonbozo.* => bozo.* => megabozo.* All topics discussed on Usenet, and even deeper topics which COULD be discussed on Usenet but AREN'T, will fit nicely in those three-- NO EXCEPTIONS. Extensive time and motion studies have been performed in the name of efficiency to maximize your pleasure! Existing groups will be moved into the new organization scheme, resulting in nonbozo.news.announce.newusers, bozo.rec.pets, megabozo.talk.bizarre, nonbozo.comp.virus, bozo.alt.sex, megabozo.alt.fan.lemurs, bozo.postmodern, megabozo.org.mensa, nonbozo.clari.news.urgent, megabozo.megabozo.megabozo.religion.kibology, etc., as determined by scientific measurements of the bozosity of the groups, measured by Leader Kibo's Council On Scientific Bozosity and the faculty of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (Troy, NY), world leaders in bozosity assessment. These truly scientific procedures were developed and pre-tested by Drs. Todd M. McComb and Tim Gallagher and are patented to prove that they are good! It is estimated that the statistical breakdown of HappyNet will be thus: 1.0000% nonbozo.* 90.0000% bozo.* 9.0000% megabozo.* (Computations courtesy of Bell Labs) Bozo.* will, of course, be subdivided logically: bozo.nerd.*, bozo.tv.*, bozo.inane.*, bozo.boring.*, bozo.sex.*, bozo.argue.*. New groups will also be added for MAXIMUM ENJOYMENT. The network would be a very unfair place if only Leader Kibo were allowed to propose new groups. Instead, because Leader Kibo is benevolent and omnisagaciously father-like, he will create WHATEVER GROUP YOU WANT (even, say, megabozo.kibo.is.a.blenny!) provided that (a) you follow the Official Procedure, filing all five copies of your request in triplicate and then making seven carbons of each, and (b) you pay Leader Kibo $160 for each letter in the new group's name, and $720 for each period. UNLIKE SOME ARCHAIC SYSTEMS, VOWELS DO NOT COST EXTRA. PAT SAJAK IS EVIL! Of course, thanks to Leader Kibo's awesome foresight, new groups will probably not be needed. A simple computer program will generate all groupnames from *.aaaaa.aaaaa.aaaaa.aaaaa to *.zzzzz.zzzzz.zzzzz.zzzzz. This will encompass ALL possibilities in a COMPLETELY LOGICAL FASHION, maximally efficient yet FUN! Prudence and foresight by LEADER KIBO! There will even be a .d group for every regular group. In fact, the .d groups will even have their own .d.d groups for metadiscussion of whether or not the new .d.d.d and .d.d.d.d groups are needed at all! The wealth of new groups will also cut down on those annoying egomaniacal posters who try to post the same article to EVERY group, because it will become physically impossible to post to ALL groups within a MORTAL LIFETIME! But wait, there's more--over six billion groups MORE will be added at HappyNet's inception--free of charge! ********* HAPPYNET: EVERYONE IS EQUALLY EQUAL! ********* To promote EQUALITY and POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (the good kind), Leader Kibo has decided to correct the inequality of the distribution of "personal" groups. Some people, or groups of people, currently are popular enough to have groups named in their honor: alt.weemba, alt.fan.john-palmer, alt.fan.monty-python, alt.fan.dave-barry, alt.fan.mike-jittlov, alt.fan.naked-guy, alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.alok-vijayvargia, alt.fan.harry-mandel. Because everyone is equal before the eyes of wise Leader Kibo, it was decided that EVERYONE WILL HAVE THEIR OWN GROUP on HappyNet. This will celebrate the global diversity of our users, demonstrating for once and for all that they are all unique, but unique in exactly the same way! A scientific questionnaire developed specifically for the purpose will be mailed to everyone on the planet. It will read: Dear Citizen Of The New Network, You are being given your own HappyNet group. Its placement will depend on your answer to this simple question. ARE YOU A BOZO? (CHECK EXACTLY ONE)  YES  NO I care, Leader Kibo People who answer "yes" will be given groups in bozo.personal.*, and people who answer "no" will be given groups in megabozo.personal.*. People who refuse to answer, or show contempt for the process, will be taken (by the Network Security Patrol Force) to the Citadel Of Judgment to appear before the Council Of Bozosity, who will examine the person and assign them either bozo.weenie.* or megabozo.weenie.*. Of course, this would be POINTLESS if anyone in the world were DENIED ACCESS to HappyNet. ********* HAPPYNET: A NET IN EVERY POT! ********* Net access will be provided to EVERY SINGLE PERSON, LIVING, UNBORN, OR DEAD, thanks to the new TELESCREENS which will be installed in every room of every building on the planet. Not only will this encourage higher net communications volume, it will also help Leader Kibo be a good leader, as it will allow Leader Kibo to instantly broadcast to all his subjects, and to see how they are feeling and what they are doing. But simple TELESCREENS in LIVING ROOMS, BEDROOMS, and BATHROOMS are not enough to ensure FREEDOM and EQUALITY. Neural transceivers will be implanted, FREE, at BIRTH in all newborns, allowing them to "jack in" to HappyNet, transmitting articles, sounds, and even GIF files at the speed of thought! They won't even have to worry about spelling-- they'll just THINK and their EVERY THOUGHT will be broadcast into EVERYONE ELSE'S HEADS! And because Leader Kibo CARES and values YOUR opinion, this will even allow Leader Kibo to know what his subjects are THINKING, thanks to the heroic actions of the NETWORK SECURITY PATROL FORCE. ********* HAPPYNET: WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING ********* The Network Security Patrol Force, or NSPF, will be composed of volunteer system administrators who wish to enforce the continued accuracy, relevance, and acceptability of HappyNet postings. They will monitor, censor, and cancel bad postings, made by EVIL SUBVERSIVES who attempt to DEPRIVE you of your HAPPINESS. These SUPPRESSIVE PERSONS will be hunted down and suppressed! NSPF officers have really spiffy uniforms, especially the shiny gas masks, well-balanced batons, six-inch-thick shoulder pads and twelve-inch cleats. And, of course, they will punish evildoers, night or day. HappyNet never sleeps. ********* HAPPYNET: SLEEP TIGHT WITH ALL THE SECURITY IN THE WORLD! ********* But what of those EVIL organizations that simply want to SPY on you? Well, the NSPF won't have to even TRY to prevent that, because the LOGICAL PLAN of HAPPYNET will defeat that automatically! If some three-letter government agency wants to SCAN all articles for WORDS LIKE "NUCLEAR BOMB" or "WHITEWATER", it will be IMPOSSIBLE because not even the fastest computer in the WORLD--the CRAY-9000--could search ALL THOSE GROUPS, EVER!!! ********* HAPPYNET: ACCURACY IS EVERYTHING ON HAPPYNET! ********* Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet, and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains. .signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110 baud. .signature has giant ASCII graphic: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110 baud on a Braille terminal after having fingers rubbed with sandpaper. Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is officially changed to "Me Too". Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize Webster's Ninth. Spelling "too" as "to", "it's" as "its", "lose" as "loose", "you're" as "your", or any of the following--"wierd", "Anti-Semetic", "senerio", or "masterbation": Forced to write out Webster's Ninth ten times. Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways. Using "<g>" instead of ":-)": being sent back to GEnie, AOL, Delphi, etc. Sending a newgroup message without permission of Leader Kibo: Poster is forced to adopt twelve wacky sitcom children. Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only groups about fluffy puppies. Posting "Please send e-mail, since I don't read this group": Poster is rendered illiterate by a simple trepanation. *Plonk*ing outside talk.bizarre: Poster is *plonked*--LITERALLY. Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer all of Craig's mail. Posting the "Dave Rhodes: MAKE MONEY FAST" scam: Poster must answer all of Craig's and Dave's mail while also memorizing the script to every episode of "Knight Rider" and doing voice exercises like saying "NANCY, HAND THE MAN THE DANDY CANDY" ten million times and also being forced to eat cottage cheese we found piled up on the sidewalk. Posting to aus.* from the USA: Poster is deported to Australia after having a "Kick Me, Mate" sign glued to their forehead. Posting an article with a malformed address so that mail bounces when people reply: Poster and/or their admin are sent back to kindergarten. .signature huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet slogans on their body in huge script letters. Excess CAPITALIZATION & PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Poster is issued a new keyboard without capitals or punctuation. The space bar will be clearly labelled. *Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for each asterisk. Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV. Advertising on the net: Poster is forced to pay Leader Kibo for the advertising time. Asking help for some program but not saying what sort of computer you're using: Poster's computer is reduced to 1K RAM. Arguing over whose computer is better: Being introduced to Leader Kibo, whose custom Turbissimo MoNDO Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV computer is far better than theirs and will make them cry in humiliation. Giving away the secret of "The Crying Game": No punishment. Making fools of people in rec.org.mensa with pranks: No punishment necessary for something that simple. After all, some people could even do it by accident. Referring to the NSPF as "The Thought Police": Execution. Humor impairment: Execution. Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of poster predicted. Mentioning Star Trek outside of the Star Trek groups: "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" is cancelled, and all tapes of the original series are burned. William Shatner will direct all future movies. There are other helpful rules and regulations, but they are double secret. Of course, various branches of the NSPF will specialize in various enforcements: the Spelling Squad, the Grammar Goons, the Definition Draconians, the Typo Tyrants, the Capitalization Captains, the Pedantic Patriots, the Cross-Post Crushers, the Cascade Commandos, and the .signature .specialforce. There will even be a special detail to track down, and burn, copies of the Green Golfball Joke. ********* HAPPYNET: MODERATION IN ALL THINGS! ********* The concept of moderated groups will be retained for a few groups, with minor changes. Alt.flame (renamed megabozo.alt.flame) will be moderated by Dave Lawrence, as his news.announce.newgroups duties have been assumed by Leader Kibo. Dick Depew will be assigned the task of making up an imaginative Message-ID for every article in the world. (He will also unleash random daemons onto the net to destroy the unpleasant signal to noise ratio completely.) A program that determines how funny an article is by measuring the frequency of the "k" sound (an elementary comedic principle discovered in Kukamonga, Arkansas) will replace rec.humor.funny moderator Maddi Hausmann, allowing her to devote full time to assisting Brad Templeton's nonbozo.clarinet.* duties. Serdar Argic will be the official underliner of HappyNet. Every time the word "turkey" is mentioned, he will post a followup underlining and circling it. This will be a tremendous help to people looking for low-fat recipes. Jay O'Connell has volunteered to personally deliver an envelope labelled THESE ARE ALL THE TOPLESS PICTURES OF MARINA SIRTIS THERE ARE to all users to prevent them from asking for them over and over. This should reduce the bandwidth by an estimated 90%. Iain Sinclair will ensure that the link between Australia and the rest of the world is down on a regular schedule, instead of an irregular one. He has also been commissioned to design the NSPF uniforms, with the blessings of the Florida Citrus Council and the California Leather Council. And, of course, a world-class anonymous-posting server will be established. Not only will it remove your name from your postings (so that you don't have to worry about defending your opinions) but it will also eliminate the opinions themselves. Thus, don't be surprised to see a lot of anonymous postings in bozo.alt.sex.stories saying simply "I have no opinion on homosexuality." HappyNet will help us all to get along, even the people with no names. But what about those disclaimers that state that your opinion is not that of IBM, McDonalds, MIT, Scientology, etc.? Disclaimers are NOT required on articles, therefore you MUST include the following: DISCLAIMER: THIS DISCLAIMER IS NOT REQUIRED BY LEADER KIBO. THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY REPRESENT THE OPINIONS OF LEADER KIBO. THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY DISAGREE WITH LEADER KIBO EITHER. HAVE A NICE DAY! Also, for your protection, Leader Kibo has filed a copyright claim on HappyNet. Thus, any postings without a copyright notice become the intellectual property of Kibo. This will keep random people from commercially exploiting your ideas, because they won't be YOUR ideas any more! It's THAT SIMPLE. STREAMLINE EVERYTHING! ******** HAPPYNET: A BLAST TO LIGHT OUR GLOWING FUTURE! ******** HappyNet as currently implemented is just one communications medium. But this will blast our way into the foundation of the future: Eventually, HappyNet will be expanded to replace the other `conventional' media, such as newspapers, television, radio, standup comedy, and sex. .signatures will be sixty-second commercials. Alt.sex (bozo.alt.sex) will be interactive and finally worth reading. A PBS series, "Great RFCs, Past and Present" will be filmed to replace the boring old text RFCs. A Fox series, hosted by Dr. Ruth Westheimer, will replace "Emily Postnews". The Sony Walkman will become obsolete thanks to the Sony rnman. The instructions will be on a separate device, the Sony manman. Once everyone in the world is hooked into the giant HappyNet neural network and their brains merge into one gigantic community of mind (with an IQ well over THREE HUNDRED!), local events will be instantly communicated everywhere in the world. For example, people in Sri Lanka will be able to INSTANTLY receive dozens of "Hey, we're having a minor earthquake here in San Francisco RIGHT NOW!" postings INSTANTLY, instead of having to wait weeks. Rumors of such important events as DeForest Kelley's death will also propagate instantly, but this is not really a drawback: it enables the NSPF to detect them and snuff them out faster! HappyNet is an important part of this well-balanced future. In fact, it is the ONLY part. Without HappyNet, there could be no future. Usenet paves the road to misery and ruin with its cascades, cross-posts, flame wars, forgeries, and .signature viruses. HappyNet does not pave this road--where it's going, we don't NEED roads! HappyNet bravely journeys into an unknown, but not unpleasant future. Everyone WILL be happy, happier than human beings can possibly be. Although it will take HappyNet months, maybe years, to improve all areas of daily existence in all possible ways, it will be obvious to the most casual reader that HappyNet is better than Usenet. Those who aren't casual readers--well, they will come to agree. In time, they will even love me. In fact, soon they will beg to love me! But I, Leader Kibo, want only the best for everyone. After all, I am one of the readers of Usenet, so I can make the readers of Usenet happy by making me happy FIRST. DEATH TO USENET! LONG LIVE HAPPYNET! TO THE MOON! ********* HAPPYNET: YOU CONTROL HOW IT CONTROLS YOU ********* ----------------------------------- (1998) ----------------------------------- ********* HAPPYNET 3: THE *NEW* FUTURE OF THE NET! ********* It has come to the attention of Leader Kibo, through official channels, that since the invocation of HappyNet four years ago, great strides have been made in discovering new problems with Internet communications. Because of these new nuisances, we are amending the HappyNet Manifesto via this codicil. This document was written by Leader Kibo and ratified by Leader Kibo and goes into effect one hour before whenever you read this. ********* HAPPYNET 3: NOW ENJOY HAPPYNET EVEN MORE! ********* The question of "Who's in charge here?" was a perpetual nuisance during the short life of Usenet 1 (although it did aid in the detection of newbies for their eventual quarantine.) However, Usenet 2 changed the power structure by introducing "newsgroup czars", an excellent idea which is carried to the logical next step in HappyNet 3. HappyNet 3's power base is spread among its Super-Elite Uberfuhrers Of Total Death. Ooh, sounds scary, doesn't it? Well, not to worry, because EVERYONE on HappyNet 3 is a Super-Elite Uberfuhrer Of Total Death! You have utter control over your sphere of influence, which consists of your own postings before they leave your text editor. In addition, a mechanism similar to Usenet 1's "UDP" (Usenet Death Penalty) has been implemented in the HappyNet 3 security infrastructure (requiring the addition of relatively few cameras and automated machine guns compared to the original Usenet-to-HappyNet upgrade.) HappyNet 3 laughs at the concept of the quaintly-named Usenet Death Penalty, as our society has evolved to the point where we consider the death penalty morally objectionable: it creates too much tabloid television. Instead, HappyNet 3 allows problem users to be "Assassinated", which is accomplished by assassinating them. But don't fear, because the checks and balances inherent in HappyNet 3 protect you -- it requires at least THREE "yes" votes to assassinate anyone! (This mechanism also saves all that wasted effort of reading long lists of "no" votes.) ********* HAPPYNET 3: SPLITTING HAIRS FOR CONVENIENCE ********* It was not realized, at the time of the original HappyNet draft proposal (1992), that the ensuing popularity of HappyNet would lead to unequal utilization of its namespace, in other words, massive crowding in bozo.*. To compensate for this, the middle 90% of the world -- the "bozo" category -- will be further divided: the least bozotic third will be moved to bozo.nonbozo.* and the most bozotic third will be moved to bozo.megabozo.*. The remaining third, the completely normal bozos ("textbook cases") will be moved to bozo.bozo.* And what if the new namespace starts straining at the seams like alt.* on Usenet 1? Well, HappyNet 3 allows for future expansion. We have already scheduled a further split in the year 2000: bozo.nonbozo.nonbozo -- extremely non-bozotic bozos bozo.nonbozo.bozo bozo.nonbozo.megabozo bozo.bozo.nonbozo -- very slightly more bozotic than normal bozo.bozo.bozo -- the big fat nose of the bell curve bozo.bozo.megabozo -- slightly more bozotic than normal bozo.megabozo.nonbozo bozo.megabozo.bozo bozo.megabozo.megabozo -- almost a total megabozo, but not quite ...and if necessary we will add a fourth tier, and a fifth, and a sixth, until the Universe runs out of letters. It should be noted that unlike Usenet 1, where names of newsgroup hierarchies could be cryptic (it was sometimes hard to discover that sci.* was for Scientology, alt.* was for Altoids, etc.) on HappyNet, it is immediately obvious what bozo.megabozo.nonbozo is. Note that cross-posting between bozo.* and nonbozo.* is strictly forbidden. Archimedes Plutonium has been given the responsibility of disjointing bozo.* from nonbozo.*. He will monitor these hierarchies from his objective position in megabozo.*. ********* HAPPYNET 3: WE STOP SPAM BEFORE IT STARTS! ********* Spam of all sorts (going under fancy-boy names such as "excessive multi-posting" and "carpet-bombing" and "Breidbart blasting") is a problem everywhere on the Internet. Fortunately, Usenet 1 was destroyed a few years before spam was invented. And on HappyNet 3 spam will NOT be a problem, thanks to the efforts of the HappyNet NSPF Spam Squad. These goon-like thugs, who are fighting for YOUR rights, travel through the wires of HappyNet 3 looking for spam. If they see conditions that could lead to potential spam (such as a newsgroup that is not yet full) they will block spam by filling up the newsgroup with useful reading material, such as millions of copies of this valuable manifesto. If they are too late, and stumble across actual, horrible, evil spam, they will simply "retro-cancel" it out of existence by travelling back in time, finding the perpetrator at age 3, and giving him or her a special operation that will prevent him or her from ever learning hard words like "spam". For those who aid and abet spamming -- the ISPs who host the spammers, the networks that allow the spam to pass through, and the readers who willingly read spam instead of covering their eyes and singing the HappyNet anthem really loud -- there will be typical HappyNet punishments (we prefer to refer to them with the more pleasing term "very negative reinforcement") such as death by Olestra. Famous spammers of the past, such as Canter & Siegel and Sanford Wallace, have already been captured and detained at an undisclosed but dank location. This is the famed HappyNet 3 Dungeon. Don't be afraid of going to the dungeon -- only the NSPF can send you there, and you should trust the NSPF. And just to show that HappyNet is fair, we do not trust the same people who can commit you with the responsibility of releasing you. As a check or balance, only Tim Skirvin is allowed to let anyone out. Of course, letting anyone out is also punishable by death by Olestra. Warm Olestra. Provided that Mr. Skirvin does his duty and loses the keys he is entrusted with, he will be paid a typically handsome HappyNet stipend and will receive a discount on the purchase of his official HappyNet NSPF officer's uniform (except for the motorized epaulets, which have to be custom-made.) ********* HAPPYNET 3: LIBERTY, EQUALITY, INDIVIDUALITY ********* Dave Furstenau, founder of the International Color Registry for the Web (http://www.binary.net/ICRegistry) has been appointed HappyNet Gimmick Registrar Of Doom. Users work hard to develop "gimmicks" on the Internet, such as spelling their name t h i s w a y or signing all their posts "-- K.", and we must take steps to legally protect these mannerisms, just as trademarks, music, and gestures are legally protected elsewhere. Dave will be given the authority to stop anyone who is doing something like something anyone else ever did. It has come to our attention that some people are accessing the Internet through programs which are so simple that they allow their users to accidentally include complicated HTML codes in their posts. For instance, look at this: <HTML>Hi, everyone! I hope the new "Knight Rider" never gets cancelled!"</HTML> Doesn't make much sense, does it? Well, to help these users still get their jollies by posting HTML accidentally, while reducing the amount of HTML the rest of us have to not read, HappyNet 3 has introduced a new HTML tag. With it, the above example would be reduced to the much simpler: <HTML><DUMBPOST></HTML> Much better, no? And as an added feature, if you put HTML in your posts or mail messages, HappyNet will automatically add E-mail and HappyNet headers to your Web pages. ...including "X-Unparsable-Date:" and at least half of "References:". Other newly-minted crimes and their HappyNet 3 punishments: => Replying to a post by both posting and mailing: The offender is beaten with a lead post, then with another that was mailed. He or she must then explain the difference and draw a diagram. => Posting a warning about the "Good Times" virus in any of its nonexistent variants: The offender is forced to eat everything found on the floor of the local Chuck E. Cheese. => Believing a warming about the "Good Times" virus: the NSPF explains, as gently as they are capable, that Chuck E. Cheese is just a guy in a mouse costume and then taken to Mr. Rogers' Land Of Make-Believe for a serious beating. => Posting a true story about replacement mouse balls, the 24x cup holder, or telling the joke about the string and the bar: Offender is forced to replace all the mouse balls in the world while holding all the coffee cups in the world while walking into a bar, which breaks his nose. => Posting a parody of the established network pecking order under a name such as "SillyNet" or "WackyNet": This punishment is so horrible it cannot even be revealed to the offenders after they have suffered it. Their next of kin are notified only in the form of a rebus. => Thinking you are the first one to tell everyone you can send E-mail to whitehouse.gov: Offender is made Vice President. Of Russia. ********* HAPPYNET 3: WE WILL NOT ALLOW OURSELVES TO BE BORED! ********* As a contingency plan, in case all our directives are ignored by the public at large and Internet discorse becomes trite and stale, any user may choose to terminate the entire HappyNet project (and the rest of the Internet) by pressing the red button which will be installed on every computer or WebTV. And speaking of WebTVs, the NSPF's News Ninjas will secretly enter the home of every WebTV user, take the batteries out, and tape a piece of paper over the screen. It will be printed with the words "YES, YOU ARE VERY CLEVER, THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO THE COLLECTIVE INTERNET CULTURE." And there will be a picture of a bunny. ********* HAPPYNET 3: THERE WILL BE A PICTURE OF A BUNNY ********* Of course, HappyNet 3 may be disliked by some of the many millions of completely satisfied HappyNet users. But they will come round to our way of thinking sooner or later. To ease the transition from HappyNet to HappyNet 3, heroic martyrs to the HappyNet 3 cause will post enormous quantities of spam, cross-posts, and HTML to HappyNet, and their crimes and punishments will make the world wake up and realize that, yes, we need HappyNet, but we need HappyNet 3 much more. HappyNet 3 is the single most important advance in communications technology since the invention of the eraser! ********* HAPPYNET 3: GOD BLESS OUR TOURIST ATTRACTIONS ********* As a monument to the grandiose history of HappyNet, everyone is still permitted to view BIFF's body in its glass case, during weekdays from 9 to 5. Admission is free, and hands must be stamped. A month in advance. -- K. P.S. Put up HappyNet propaganda posters everywhere! You can get them at: http://www.kibo.com
The appropriate propaganda posters and desktop pictures can be obtained in the download area. Please put posters up everywhere.
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