Copyright © 1999 James "Kibo" Parry
The HappyNet project -- first presciently proposed in 1992 and completed in 1998 -- has successfully saved Usenet from itself,
The Web is now getting kind of popular,
It's kind of messy, not to mention too big and complicated and ugly and full of stuff,
Somebody has to clean it up.
"Oh, sure," you say, "as if I had the time to do that." Well, HappyWeb is here to help -- we'll make you make time! Thanks to the benevolent dictatorship of Leader Kibo's HappyWeb regime, you'll not only help make the Web a better place, you'll learn to like it!
The regular Web has seven sizes of font, all of which are somewhat medium. HappyWeb, by contrast, has 65536 sizes of font, ranging from 0 points to 65535 points tall! This way, you can ensure that your pages are easy to read by displaying everything in the largest possible type size, like this:
There, now isn't that easier to read? And that was only 372 points tall. Imagine how much better it would look if your Web browser could do 65535 points.
The 0 point size is also expected to be useful for insurance contracts, where it will make the fine print easier to read by reducing it to nothing.
The regular Web uses a confusing color nomenclature where colors are usually something like "#F03J7Z". Although some Web browsers support a few names for colors -- such as "black" for a color which is darker than gray -- HappyWeb will support names for all 16,777,216 colors through the use of the Internet Color Registry. Thus, instead of having to remember 16,777,216 colors from "#000000" through "#FFFFFF", Web designers will only have to remember 16,777,216 logical color names, such as:
#974B7D --> "puce number one thousand and four"
#974B7E --> "puce number one thousand and five"
#974B7F --> "puce number one thousand and six"
#000000 --> "black"#FFFFFF --> "white"
#000001 --> "very very very very very very very very dark gray"
#000002 --> "very very very very very very very dark gray"
#000003 --> "very very very very very very dark gray"
#000004 --> "very very very very very dark gray"
#000005 --> "very very very very dark gray"
#000006 --> "very very very dark gray"
#000007 --> "very very dark gray"
#000008 --> "very dark gray"
#000009 --> "dark gray"
#00000A --> "gray"
#00000B --> "light gray"
#00000C --> "lighter gray"
#00000D --> "still lighter gray"
#00000E --> "much lighter gray"
#00000F --> "extremely light gray"
#000010 --> "gray so light it hurts"
#000011 --> "gray so light you can't believe it's not white"
#000012 --> "oh my god, that gray is so light it made my computer explode"
#000013 --> "nothing could possibly be lighter than this gray"
#FFFFFE --> "not white"
We realize that a mere 16,777,216 colors is far too few for professional-quality design. After all, every kid these days has a box with over 20 million Crayolas (and that number only goes up when they break 'em.) Therefore, HappyWeb will grossly extend the Web's color range.
Colors to be added include:
metallic colors, such as silver, gold, iridium, and robot underwear;
fluorescent colors, such as shocking pink, electric blue, and neon red;
ultraviolet colors, which are good for pages designed for bees;
infrared and microwave colors, which are great for pages of recipes (surfers can hold their food to the screen to cook it)
radioactive colors, such as radium, strontium, and plutonium;
transparent colors, which allow you to see the inside of your computer's picture tube.
In order to properly empower Web designers to make intelligent choices about what colors surfers are allowed to use, in addition to changing the colors of the text and the background, Web designers will now be able to change the colors of the scroll bars, the drop menus, the surfer's hard drive, and his or her clothes.
(Note: An earlier draft of this standard allowed CLOTHES="NONE", which is no longer supported as it did not specify the order, leading to bizarre strangulation deaths when some Web browsers removed surfers' underwear before their outerwear. From now on, you must specify which clothes to remove in order, such as CLOTHES="NOSHOES,NOSOCKS,NOPANTS,NOUNDERWEAR".)
It is well-known that if you look at any Web pages that say "'99" on them after January 1, 2000, your house will explode, just as if you tried to use your Walkman after January 1. HappyWeb has the perfect solution to the Y2K problem!
The year after '99 will be referred to as "2K". Two digits, no fuss, no muss!
Subsequent years will also have unique two-digit names:
1999 -- 99
2000 -- 2K
2001 -- 2L
2002 -- 2M
2015 -- 2Z
2016 -- 30
2017 -- 31
2018 -- 32
With this intelligent use of letters and numbers we'll never run out of dates in a million billion trillion years!
Studies have shown that the titles of Web pages break down this way:
50% "Welcome to the home page of..."
40% "Our Home Page"
10% "Untitled ClarisWorks Document, type title here"
Because of this, when you sort your list of bookmarks, all the pages go under "W", "O", or "U". HappyWeb will fix this -- the HappyWeb search-and-replace spider will visit all existing Web pages and silently add the word "Welcome" to the start of every Web page so that they will all alphabetize together.
It is noted that most Web browsers chop off long titles at 43 to 64 characters, to prevent you from accidentally putting too much useful information in a page title. Because adding "Welcome" to millions of pages would make some titles too long -- not to mention wasting millions off bytes of valuable network bandwidth -- on HappyWeb, "Welcome to" will be abbreviated ":-)->".
On HappyWeb, will go faster to save time.
Also, to make pages transmit faster, useless stuff like text will be omitted because all that text wastes bandwidth that could be used by pretty pictures. Who reads text, anyway? You're not reading this.
For the few pages where text is absolutely essential (i.e. this one) pages will be transmitted at top speed through the use of the special HappyWeb "bullshit-removal" protocol, which, in a technical sense, works by BLAH BLAH BLAH. We like this idea because THE END.
Studies have shown that "http://" is confusing and hard to understand. Therefore, to make it clear that "http://" is the Web transmission protocol, its name will be abbreviated to "h(yper)t(ext)t(ransport)p(rotocol)(WEB)://" to make Web browsers simpler to operate.
Know those little blue balls that introduce lists of links on old home pages? Well, on HappyWeb, they're edible and taste like wild raspberry, the bluest fruit ever! Here, taste your screen now:
Lick Here To Continue
On the regular Web, viruses abound! In fact, they don't just abound, they're everywhere! They're even tucked into the blank spaces between the words of this very page! Well, don't worry. When you switch to HappyWeb, viruses will be a thing of the past because all HappyWeb connections are sent through tubes filled with deadly radiation that not only kills all viruses, but cooks spam to a crispy bacon-like flavor.
Ever see a Web page where the text is hard to read because the background is a really bright photo of rainbow-colored M&M's or something else really obnoxious? Of course you have. Well, HappyWeb has the solution: In front of such a busy background, the text will be made to shake up and down, making it easier to find the text:
One of the biggest problems with designing Web pages is that you can't always do what you want. For instance, you can't do this --> <-- See? No, of course you didn't see, that's because you're using the Web, where you can't make one of those! Well, with HappyWeb, you could.
These are some -- but by no means all -- of the new HTML tags to be added to HappyWeb as not just "syntactical sugar" but as actual "syntactical bacon". Because everyone likes bacon. Especially under the benevolent rule of Leader Kibo.
Read on and learn about the enhancements, extensions, and wacky fun that HappyWeb will add to HTML! (Incidentally, HTML with the HappyWeb extensions is called "HHTML".)
NO GURL<BW>S</BW> ALOUD IN TOYS <BW>R</BW> US
(This should not be confused with <FAKERUSSIAN> which only flips over the R's:)
<FAKERUSSIAN>NO GURLS ALOUD IN TOYS R US</FAKERUSSIAN>
Try our new <BOLD&SPICY>barbecue sauce</BOLD&/SPICY>
(Note: This tag cannot be used with <WET>.)
<INVISIBLE>You're a bozo!</INVISIBLE>
<MISSPELLED>Welcome to the official Diapers For Dogs home page!<MISSPELLED>
Wlecom 2 the oficcial DYPERZ 4 DØGGZ home paje!!!!!!!11
(Note: The intent of this tag is to keep your Web site from looking inconsistent if you forget to spell-check some of your pages. Simply use this tag on all pages and they will all come out misspelled the same way.)
(Note: I'm sorry, but didn't have time to make examples of these. So I hope you'll forgive me for not allowing you to see any <UGLY> text on this page.)
I admit it, this tag is only included to help you confuse nerds who play games on teletypes.
The difference between <> and <BLINK> is that there is no </PERMABLINK>.
Using <> causes all Web sites people see after yours to blink. Forever.
<MAGNET> produces an invisible field which inexorably drags the surfer's arrow-pointer towards it. They can delay the inevitable by rolling the mouse really far away (if their desk is fifty feet wide) but there is no escape from this tag.
(Note: For people who have a "computer" without a mouse -- that is, a WebTV -- <MAGNET> will simply emit a magnetic field strong enough to pull out the surfer's dental fillings and/or pacemaker.)
It was thought that Netscape's <TABLE> implementation needed this.
For those cases where your page is really tall but the surfer's window is really wide, use <SIDEWAYS>.
(Note: proper style demands that you add "THIS PAGE IS BEST VIEWED WITH YOUR HEAD TURNED SIDEWAYS UNTIL YOUR NECK HURTS LIKE HELL" to be polite.)
This tag will be a boon to those who can't remember whether the correct way to type a smiley is ":-)" or ":)".
A committee has been formed to study ways of extending the <SMILEY> syntax, along the lines of <SMILEY EXPRESSION="HAPPY" NOSE="YES" FACING="EYES ON THE LEFT END" CLOWN HAT="NO">, to further simplify the use of smileys.
Because blind people cannot see smileys and thus cannot appreciate humor, these tags allow you to make your jokes funny to everyone.
<UNDERCONSTRUCTION> displays a large (800x600) animated splash screen with dancing construction workers and bulldozers wrecking buildings and all sorts of other cool stuff, to save you the trouble of doing the work to put up an "UNDER CONSTRUCTION" icon to let everyone know that you plan never to work on your page again.
No list of links is complete without little shaded blue balls running down the left. They're the look of the nineties!
Adding the MANDATORY option to a link forces the surfer to click on it before he or she is allowed to leave your site. The FORBIDDEN option makes a link that is not a link, and sends a virus into their computer which alters their Web browser to make it impossible to ever go to that page. NOGIVEBACKS allows surfers to follow the link but makes their "BACK" button fall off.
The new DIM parameter for <IMG> takes values from 0 to 255. It is suggested that you use dimensions above 3 only with an advisory to your visitors, "THIS SITE IS BEST VIEWED BY CREATURES THAT HAVE THREE EYES SO THEY CAN SEE IN 4-D."
Internet pundits have complained about the "Balkanization of the Web". Well, HappyWeb will prevent the Balkanization of the Web, because (a) the Web will removed when HappyWeb is implemented, and (b) HappyWeb will take brave steps to ensure that there are no sites that are only partly-viewable with the "wrong" Web browser or the "wrong" screen resolution.
With HappyWeb, either you'll see it or you won't!
Sites which demand a particular Web browser (i.e. "You must use Netscape Navigator because this site uses <BLINK>, you couldn't possibly enjoy this site without it!") are still permitted. However, such non-standard browsers will be restricted to sites with the appropriate kind of content for such browsers:
Netscape browsers will be restricted to sites that say "I like Netscape".
Microsoft browsers will be restricted to sites that say "I don't care".
WebTV browsers will be restricted to sites about Beanie Babies.
lynx browsers will be restricted to sites about lynx.
This enforced segregation should cool off those bozos who have flamewars about whether Netscape Navigator is better than Microsoft Internet Explorer, or vice versa, because such arguments are like arguing over whether McDonalds or Burger King food is better.
Microsoft is McDonalds.
Netscape is Burger King.
HappyWeb is real food.
Also, to further ensure that no Balkanization can occur, NATO is at this moment cutting all Internet feeds and phone lines into or out of the Balkans.
Ever come to one of those pages that says "THIS SITE IS BEST VIEWED AT 1600x1200 RESOLUTION WITH MILLIONS OF COLORS" and you get all confused because you can't figure out how to scroll the screen to the right to see it all? Well, with HappyWeb, there's relief in the form of a strict rule!
Anyone whose Web site says "THIS SITE IS BEST VIEWED WITH..." is required to give you the appropriate graphics card and monitor to make their super-awesome home page look as good as it does on their screen.
HappyWeb is old enough to realize that adult-oriented sites exist. On the Web, they take the form of:
YOU MUST BE 18 YEARS OR OLDER TO CLICK HERE.
[ENTER TO SEE OUR PORNO FOR FIFTY DOLLARS] [EXIT]
However, that's not really enough information to allow a consumer of pornography to make an informed decision as to whether the site will be offensive enough to be worth visiting. Therefore, on HappyWeb, all porn sites will be required to put their raunchiest image on the front page.
Also, "YOU MUST BE 18" will be simplified to "YOU MUST BE AS TALL AS THIS ICON".
People who design sites that use frames within frames within frames will be framed. For murder.
And, if they design sites that display other people's pages in one of their site's frames -- a "para-site" -- they will be punished in a manner so severe it cannot be described here. Suffice it to say that it involves a bowl of salad oil, a WebTV, a wallaby, and three-grit sandpaper.
Site banners that say "PLEASE CLICK ON THIS AD FOR A PORN SITE BECAUSE I WILL GET AN IMAGINARY NICKEL" will still be allowed, but, whenever someone fails to click on the banner, the site's designer will be charged a nickel. A real one. They will have to deposit it into a slot in the front of their computer (where pneumatic tubes will whisk it to Kibo's HappyWeb Headquarters) otherwise their site will be broken up and sold for parts.
Browser bugs will be banned. After Microsoft and especially Netscape remove all the bugs from their browsers, it is expected that each browser will be under 500k.
PNGs will work correctly in Web browsers. This will be a great joy to the two people who have ever tried to use PNGs.
Any page which has an "UNDER CONSTRUCTION" logo for more than six months may be completed by any Web visiting surfer, using the new Page Vandalism Protocol (PVP).
People who haven't figured out that double-clicking links isn't any better than clicking links will be E-mailed one copy of "HOW TO USE YOUR MOUSE" for each click.
Anyone who uses HTML in E-mail or Usenet posts will be punished by being forced to watch an evening of Fox television programming with HTML tags added:
(Tori Spelling): "I don't know who you BRACKET I BRACKET are BRACKET SLASH I BRACKET any more!"
(Of course, this would be severe punishment even without the HTML, but HappyWeb prefers to be fair by erring on the side of extra punishment. Also, an exception has been made that it is legal to say HTML tags anywhere if you're talking about how cool the HappyWeb HHTML tags are.)
People who have webcams that always show empty rooms will be chained up in front of their webcam for at least three days a week so that they may properly entertain us as they intended.
Drunken surfing will still be allowed.
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August 11, 2000
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Copyright © 1997 - 2015 James "Kibo" Parry
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