Without further ado, my all-time favorite post; I made this up as I went along.
From: email@example.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Our plan to SAVE THE WORLD! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Sat, 18 Jun 1994 10:37:38 GMT From now on, while you read alt.religion.kibology, our little semi-transparent logo--only about three inches across--will be constantly hovering in the lower-right corner of your screen. This is so that you don't forget which channel you're watching. After all, you *must* be a moron, because you're *watching TV*! Beginning next week, all broadcast stations, cable channels, and Usenet groups will adhere to this rule, and in two weeks these extensions to the basic concept will be added: 1.) Below the logo it will say "YOU'RE WATCHING TV." in case you forget what you're doing; 2.) A large digital clock will be superimposed in the center of the screen in the middle of an analog dial (so as not to discriminate against people who dislike the digital clock); 3.) All laugh tracks will be accompanied by a woman's voice saying emotionlessly, "YES, THAT WAS FUNNY, SOMEONE JUST TOLD A VERY FUNNY JOKE, NOW WE'RE ALL LAUGHING HERE IN TEE-VEE LAND." and 4.) All programs made before 1953 will be Moronized(TM). For instance, when "Casablanca" is shown on television, the ending will now feature a cream pie fight accompanied by wacky clown music. Rebroadcasts of Edward R. Murrow's classic "See It Now" will show him picking his nose. The famous Nixon/Kennedy debate will be a burping contest. "Married With Children", "Beavis and Butthead", and Mentos ads will be unaltered. Currently in the draft stage is a plan to make all printed matter as easy to understand as TV. For instance, Dostoyevsy's "The Idiot" will be rewritten by Bob Saget and retitled "DUH, LOOK AT ME, I'M STUUUPID!". Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night" will be called "12TH NITE", and even the Bible will be rewritten: 1 In the beginning the Universe sucked. Then God did cool stuff to it. Everything was cool, and that was nice. In the future, all literature will be Moronized(TM) to make it more easily accessible to people who aren't rocket scientists like Albert Einstein. Even this very post will be retroactively rewritten by BIFF. Also, it will be officially declared that it is always midnight, so that bozos won't have to suffer the slings and arrows of admitting that they can't set the clock in their VCR. (How can people be capable of setting the clock in their watch, but not the clock in their VCR?) And also, other ways we will make the world more convenient for complete idiots include: 1.) Free lobotomies for anyone who has trouble understanding the new, more easily understandable television programming; 2.) Free cars with computerized steering controllers programmed with the location of every McDonalds in the world to automate 90% of all driving; 3.) TV sets will have simplified controls, eliminating many of the buttons, such as the one that turns the set off; 4.) Restaurants will be required to circle one item on the menu and label it "THIS IS REALLY GOOD AND EVERYTHING ELSE HERE TASTES LIKE DIRT" to save you the trouble of deciding; 5.) Your computer will be replaced with a Lite Brite(R). Lite Brite, makin' spreadsheets with li-i-ight! and 6.) We'll see simplified telephones. HAVE YOU EVER MADE A PHONE CALL WITHOUT NEEDING A BRAIN? Y O U W I L L ! Phase One will be to introduce a phone where any phone call can be made by pressing a single button, and no numbers will be needed: the phone will have six billion little buttons, one for everyone in the world, arranged geographically with little pictures of they people right on the buttons! Nothing could be simpler--except Phase Two! Phase Two will see a phone with only *one* button. To call 555-1212, you would simply push the button 5551212 times in rapid succession! But wait, we can simplify further! In Phase Three, phones would have no buttons at all! You'd simply pick up the handset, and all the phones in the world would ring, and then you'd just shout "EVERYONE EXCEPT MYRON BEABLE, PLEASE HANG UP NOW!" and they all would because if they didn't they'd go to jail. Of course, in this society for the stupid, even jail would be simplified. Convicts would simply be placed in a room that has a five-dollar bill on the floor. We'd simply wait for them to not take the money, and this would prove that they've been rehabilitated, and we could let them go! Currency would also be simplified. If you needed to give someone $67.98 for a tank of gas, you'd just pull a generic bill out of your wallet and fill in the blank that says, "THIS PIECE OF LEGAL TENDER IS WORTH $_____"! One bill, no fuss, no muss! Fuss would be frowned upon, and muss would be punishable by a fine. The fine would be a million billion trillion zillion dollars. Everyone would be able to afford it, it'd just take a long time to write out the number. It's just another example of how in this utopian world everything will be made illegal so that there will be no crimes! And all this improvement, this perfect society, will be brought about by the superimposition of tiny little transparent logos on the corner of your screen! THE WORLD IS YOUR FRIEND AND WE WANT TO MAKE IT EASIER TO HUG. IT'S OKAY TO BE STUPID--WE'LL LOVE YOU EVEN *MORE*! -- K. (transparently)
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Our plan to SAVE THE WORLD! (repost) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Sun, 21 Aug 1994 05:30:45 GMT Ted Frank (email@example.com) wrote: > > firstname.lastname@example.org writes: > > > > HAVE YOU EVER MADE A PHONE CALL WITHOUT NEEDING A BRAIN? > > Y O U W I L L ! > > Which reminds me of the time I was at a girlfriend's house, and we > smelled smoke, and we looked around for it and I found it first since > I saw the dumpster outside was on fire, and I called to her to call > the fire department, and she had to call information to get the > number for 911. Yeah, I know, and she asked you where the "eleven" button was, right? I don't mind you dating only really stupid people, but it bothers me that you seek out stupid people that you can make fun of by using old jokes. It would be much healthier for you to seek out ones who are stupid in clever new ways, like me. -- K. Clever in a stupid new way.
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