I didn't actually win this particular election.
Newsgroups: alt.politics.kibo, alt.politics.bush, alt.politics.clinton, alt.politics.elections, alt.religion.kibology From: firstname.lastname@example.org (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: ACCEPTANCE SPEECH by President-Elect Kibo Summary: I won! I won! Organization: Two rooms filled with typography, in downtown Boston Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1992 05:24:57 GMT 11/4/92 11:15pm, Kibo's Campaign Headquarters, Boston KIBO'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH My fellow Americans, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for putting your faith in my mouth which is your voice. The numbers show that you have elected me over Bush and Clinton and that weenie Perot by a huge margin. But the huge margin is only half the story: reading between the margins, I see that there are millions of you who like me. You really like me. And now, I am your President. Let us now take a moment or three to review my agenda for progress. Burning a flag in a crowded theater will be illegal, unless you shout "Fire!" Words like "poop" will be banned. Of course, since I believe in the right to free speech, real swear words will be allowed. Just not the wimpy ones. Especially "doo-doo" and "keister". A USRDA for chocolate will be established. Chocolate will be bar-coded, or in the case of Goobers, lump-coded. Milk Duds will be inspected to remove any accidental inclusions of Milk Live Ammo. Raisinets will not be manufactured within 1000 feet of bunnies. The budget for our nation's subways will be increased so that they can afford real subs. The New York City subway system will be extended to link up with the European Channel Tunnel, and beyond, until it goes all the way 'round the world to link up with itself. Express trains will be established which do not stop until they reach the station they left from. Quoting Monty Python will not be permitted, unless you are funnier than they were. Our nation's nuclear missiles will be re-targeted to point at Bill Cosby's Jell-O Pudding Pop Warehouse. Highlighter markers will now write in black, but all text will be printed in fluorescent yellow to aid reading. All words will be underlined, so that _everything is emphasized in exactly the same way._ Felix Unger has been appointed Secretary of Opera and quarantined in an airtight vault. Our country's name will be changed from "The United States of America" to "Switzerland" in an attempt to confuse evil invaders. Mr. Potato Head will follow a dress code, and shave. Sesame Street will be located on top of a giant Whopper bun. Cookie Monster will devour the Universe in one bite! Movies will be filmed entirely in "zowie zooms". Lyndon LaRouche will be given his own TV show, and his own enema. Most importantly, all laws will be declared to be illegal. Under me, America will be a smoothly-run anarchy. Have no fear--I'm in charge here! -- K.
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