Although not many people voted, I am happy to note that I won easily, without much ballot-box stuffing. (I think all 40 votes came from different people.)
From: email@example.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Landslide for Kibo! Spokesman for Earth Vote Final Results Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors, alt.politics.kibo, alt.religion.kibology Organization: Two rooms filled with typography, in downtown Boston Date: Sat, 3 Oct 1992 04:43:42 GMT firstname.lastname@example.org writes: > > Rick Gordon of Netcom, who instigated this whole thing, has called for Kibo > to give an acceptance speech in alt.alien.visitors. He also says that Kibo > may list his new title on his business card and in campaign literature for > the upcoming presidential election. Oh, foo, now I have to redeisgn my card AGAIN! > When I nominated Kibo for this position, I was concerned about the short > notice and time period for voting. I think all the people out there who > worked so hard to get out the vote for Leader Kibo should give themselves > a pat on the back for a job well done! If you are unable to do so due to single-jointedness, drop by and I will give you a pat on the back. > 40 Kibo > 11 Geoff Miller, American > 9 Cicciolina > 9 email@example.com > 8 Dalai Lama > 3 Carl Sagan [etc., etc.] SPEECH, ACCEPTANCE, STANDARD: ONE ================================= "Ladies, and gentlemen (in no particular order), I thank you for voting for me, because in so doing you have voted for yourselves, although your selves have also voted for me, but I also voted for me, so I really voted for you. However, this is in no way concerned with the ever-pressing problem of bad typography. "Because I am Kurt Vonnegut's evil twin, I must digress. Here is the shortest story I have ever written." THE BRADY BUNCH GETS STRANDED ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND WITH THE THREE STOOGES: No. "As far as I know, that is the only story which is only two letters long. It contains no swears and is absolutely politically correct. Pfeh! I am not politically correct. I am politically perfect. Thus, I will not admit to ever having seen the Brady Bunch episode where Marcia gets hit in the face with a football, because I am the reputable Spokesman For The Whole Wide Earth. "I have a Whole Earth Catalog in my lap. It keeps me from getting burned by my soup. My soup is a multiethnic delight of kosher peas with daringly nonkosher Spam. Of course, some would say that the peas would no longer be kosher, because they had come in contact with the Spam. To this I say: Spam Is Kosher! All you have to do is eat all the carbon atoms first. Carbon is kosher. Then eat all the oxygen atoms, then the hydrogen atoms, and so on down to the traces of radioactive strontium. It all goes to the same place, so it is just like eating Spam, but you are spared the insufferable delight of eating something verboten." "Then again, if you look at it another way, everything is non-kosher, because somehwere, ten thousand years ago, a pig died and turned to dust, and one of his atoms migrated into the ground, where it wound up in a pea plant, and therefore my peas all have microscopic bits of pig in them. Clearly, a new classification for food is called for. I'm glad I don't worry about such things. "Back to the subject. The subject of this speech, as you have noticed, is my spokesmanliness. Notice as I say that word that I sound just like Adam West. I had a class in that. It was the lowest level of speech class: In 'Voice And Articulation' we did not make speeches. We practiced saying single vowels and consonants. On one day we worked on the schwa. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Another day we did the eng: ding, dong, dung, sing, sang, sung. Eventually we worked our way up to nasalized pairs of vowels and consonants: Nancy, hand the man the dandy candy. Say that exciting little phrase ten million times and you, too, can sound like Adam West! "If only all problems were that much fun to solve. "As I see it, the only problem I will have to face as Spokesman For Earth, is, who do I talk to? We don't know where the aliens are or even if they're listening. I could just go to a mountain and stand there and shout, 'Hey you guys! I'm spokesman for this planet! You can probably see it from where you are, if you can hear me! Hello? Is anyone there?' Or I could dial random numbers on the phone and ask, 'Hello, may I speak to any alien beings who might be at home?' Clearly, I must wait until we know who to talk to before I can talk to them intelligently. "And what intelligent phrase would the aliens say to us to introduce themselves? "They would probably have learned English by watching our television. I suppose a small group of aliens would probably land in the capital. The leader would step up to the President, and say in his best Adam-West style voice: 'Quick, Robin, to the Batcave!'. The second alien would whine, 'He was just taking advantage of a conveeeenient local legend!' while the third said 'Just the facts, ma'am.' Now, these aliens, for all intents and purposes, would be conforming to the norms of our society as broadcast into deep space. "Clearly, I am the person most suited to communicate with them. Not only have I seen Stephen Hawking's movie, but I've also seen the episode of 'Perfect Strangers' where Balki and Larry bake cookies that explode. I know the Pythagoream Theorem, and that Don Adams wears elevator shoes. I've seen the fall of Communism and the farewell of Johnny Carson. And I want to talk about it. "Bring on the aliens. And if they try to eat me, I'll just stare them squarely in the five eyes and say: 'You can't eat me. I'm the only man who knows which "Brady Bunch" episode has the scene where they leave in the blue car and come back in the brown station wagon.' "Bring them on, bring them on, bring them on!" -- Kibo Vonnegut Jr.
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