Various responses to John_-_Winston

John_-_ is a great guy who follows news most of us couldn't.

From: (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject:      Re: Thread33 Bigfootb
Newsgroups:, alt.religion.kibology, alt.alien.visitors
Organization: welcome datacomp
Date:         Sun, 29 Jun 1997 06:02:52 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 7748 centons, 83 microns, .01 hrothgars
X-Kibo-Equipment: a distributed Lego robot (distributed by accident)

In [a whole bunch of newsgroups], "John F. Winston" ( wrote:
> Subject: Our Wonderful Government.  Part 3a.           June 28, 1997.
>    Here is some more of that very bad information that I will blank
> out a lot of it.  I hope this is not true.
> .....................................................................
> [...]
> Mexico, and taking the family to Florida's Disney World and Washington, 
> D.C.  My older brother, Bi--, still worked for and with my father, 
> traveled with him annually to "hunt" in Che--y's G--ybull, Wyoming lodge, 
> and maintained his wife and three children under trauma-base mind control 
> according to my father's instructions. My brother, M--e, ran a video store 
> to front some of my father's and Uncle Bob Ta--s' lucrative p--n video 
> business. My sister, K--li Jo, became a belly dancing contortionist 
> excelling in "gymnastics" since she became "as flexible as Gumby" 
> according to her pr--titution programming.  She worked her way through

Mr. W--ston, pl--se stop plagiari-ing Bennett Cerf's "Mad Libs"!

> school in children's day-care centers, admittedly spotting, for my
> father, abused children for potential "chosen ones" candidates. In 1990 
> she graduated to open a licensed day-care, "Little Learners" in Gr--and 
> Haven, Michigan for my father. My brother, T-m (Beaver), is a Compu-Kids 
> (C-- Project) programmed computer genius. My brother T-m broke his leg 

C-- is just as good as B++; --C isn't any better, but you find out sooner.

My personal favorite language is C+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++,
which is like C except it interprets natural language, even unstated stuff,
and it runs ten million times faster than any computer can go.

> (in the same place my mother had broken his leg years before) due to 
> following my father's sports programming above and beyond human
> capability. 
> And my youngest sister, Ki--y, became hysterically obsessed with "Mr. 
> Rogers," expressed immense fear of her huge "electric" doll house that 
> lit up at night to look like the White House, and was under a doctor's 
> care for anorexia by age seven. I look forward to the day I can help 
> them all, and justice is served on my father.

The huge electric doll house was sold to a pair of huge electric dolls who
live there with their electric grandmother and a HUGE SAUSAGE!

(alt.religion.kibology readers might possibly understand the two words in
capitals, but they still won't make any sense.  Neither will the two

>   Since I was using parts of my brain I would not have used under normal
> circumstances,

Like the Lobo Lobe, which gives you the ability to enjoy "The Misadventures
Of Sherriff Lobo" even AFTER a lobotomy!

I'd rather have a prefrontal lobotomy than a free bottle in front o' me.
No, wait.  That should be... uh... why are you people listening to me?
Where's my waffle?

>                I developed the ability to read backwards as naturally as 
> I could read forwards. --uston tapped into this typically occult-based
> phenomenon as a means of "scrambling" road signs to promote amnesia of 
> where we were traveling.  He further compounded his effort by 
> conditioning me to to read phonetically and literally, and alternated his 
> "scrambling" methods.
>  "Zoo" became "ooz" and "ooz" translated to "oz".

Whereas "Oz" became "Australia" and "ZOO" became "A Film By Peter Greenaway".

>                                                    Arkansas read "Our
> Kansas", and Missouri became (and was!) "Misery'.  East became West, and
> highway 66 became 99.

And Highway 666 became Highway To Heaven!

>                       When I traveled, I "literally" did not consciously 
> know if I were coming or going. If an outsider happened to ask me about 
> where I'd traveled, I mechanically replied, "The towns all run together 
> and look alike after awhile. "Commands delivered in the same language 
> twisting manner were natural for me to follow.  "Role with it" was easier 
> for me to become according to Reag--'s acting definition than it was to 
> go with the flow by "rolling with it".  Phrases like Wyoming Senator 
> A--n S--pson's "In a switch of an "I" (personality) /" eye" 
> (hypnotic blink)/ "i"(the letter), complaint becomes compliant.  The 
> parts of my brain I was forced to function with were not conducive to 
> "normal" thinking.

Eventually Diane Keaton told you that "god" spelled backwards was "dog" and
then you stared at your navel for six hours and saw a puppy come out.

I wonder who I'm talking to.  I'm sure they can't hear me.  Oh well, I'll
just have to pick an audience for this post.

For the rest of this posting, I will pretend that this text was written by
Andy Capp.  So from now on YOU are ANDY CAPP.  D'n't larf at m', v'car!

>   Nor could I have appeared "normal" to outsiders had they cared to see
> beyond my superficial programmed cover personality. I did have occasion 
> to mix with "outsiders" at the local library where I took Ke--y for her 
> books on days when we were not traveling. By age 6, she tested at the 
> 7th grade reading level. I also emerged from my closed environment to 
> tend to --lly's schooling. She maintained straight As, but her poor 
> attendance record threatened to violate state requirements.  Once when 
> the librarian asked where Kel-- would be traveling to waive library 
> book due dates, or the teacher inquired as to Ke--y's absences, I gave 
> the usual response of, "the towns all run together and look alike after 
> awhile."  If they pressed for specifics, I ran through a series of 
> religious phrases such as "praise the Lord", to compensate for my lack 
> of answers.  People tended to overlook and accept "religious fanaticism" 
> personality peculiarities, which combined with my "role" traveling the 
> country music industry,- kept outsiders at a distance for years.
>     My "religious fanatic" cover personality was cultivated at the 
> B--ntwood, Tennessee Lord's Chapel "nondenominational' (Pente--stal) 
> church, through the --A Ope--tive preacher "Reverend" Bi--y R-y M--re 
> (who has since fled to Arkansas due to a local murder scandal).

Fill in the blank... CHARLES NELSON REILLY!

"I said 'BAZOOMS'."

>    Moo-- transported c--aine from the Caribbean for the -I-, at least 
> during the --agan Administration, under the guise of so-called 
> "missions,"' i.e., C--istian min--tries.  It most likely was not the 
> intent of the Chr--tians dedicated to their Caribbean ministries to 
> be used by the --A and --ore to be used by the C-- and Mo--e to 
> inadvertently mule d--gs into our country.

Reminds me of another joke I can steal from Benny Hill to pad out this post:
What's brown and sounds like a bell?

mule d--g!

Mule dungs are one of the biggest problems facing our country today.
Well, not the biggest, but they sure seem that way when you're stepping
over them.

> [...]
>   Houst-- constantly prosti--ted K--ly to anyone "in the loop" who was
> willing to pay. When she wasn't being p--stituted, she was being filmed
> por--graphically.  By 1984, --chael --nte routinely filmed --lly in
> p--nography, since kiddie --rn was as lucrative as --stiality. He filmed
> K--ly and me in Las Vegas, Nevada 

And then -----s w--- the l---v--- a-- w--h no ----r J----- --n----- and a melon.

Andy Capp's comment: "---'-'- -'--- -'- '---- ---'-"

And Woodstock's: "|-----|--|-----|---|---|----|----!!----!!"

>                                   and various other locations throughout 
> the Caribbean, California, Florida, Tennessee, and in my home state of 
> Michigan.


Come on, Chumley, let's go see Mr. Whoopee!

Mr. Whoopee, how does animal magnetism work?

>   This created professional conflict with long time kiddie p--nographers
> formerly associated with Houst--.  Hou--on's close friend in Wa--ross,
> Georgia, ped--hile J--my W--ker, 

Now I know why there are hyphens in "DYN-O-MITE!"

>                                  managed the Ok--enokee Swamp Park and

I thought we were talking about Tennessee Tuxedo and Andy Capp and Peanuts,
not Pogo!

Although I did mention "the pogo" in response to the previous part of this
story, but that was different, because it was a Peanuts reference via Kids
In The Hall, as opposed to Andy Capp via Benny Hill.
> had participated in black budget funding operations for years on both the 
> --caine and por--graphy levels.  His counterpart, Di-- Flo--, refused to
> participate m any more po--ography after --nte' came on the scene. Even 
> the Hunt--ille, Alabama N--A/D--/C---appointed "law enforcement" 
> officers could rarely succeed in their bidding for --lly's video taped 
> performances unless directly ordered by S--ator B--d.  --nte considered 
> himself her future owner as well as mine, and maintained control of our 
> po-- "business" ventures through serious U.S. Government and 
> international M--ia methodisms/connections.

Beware!  The Methodists own the Mafia!  And the Pentecostals run Penthouse!

>   Jim-- Wa--er, the same photographer who had taken po--ographic
> "wedding night" pictures for L--ry F--nt, recently had other photographs 

Larry Funt, of "Fandid Famera"?

(cheap rim shot noise)

If these jokes are lame, don't blame me, they're not MINE!
I stole them from talented people like Benny Hill!

> of me published in --stler. When Dan-- found out, he was furious.  
> Lar-- Fly-- and --nte both worked for the --A, had Va--can and Ma--a 
> connections, and deliberately appealed to Reag--'s perversions using 
> Project Monarch Mind-Controlled slaves. What --ynt could not "legally" 
> publish, --nte ran through the underground.  --ynt and Dan-- lived on 
> opposite coasts, which, spite their similarities, still was not far 
> enough apart to soothe their differences.  Waving his hands in dramatic 
> Italian gestures, D--te furiously spouted a string of obscenities 
> over F--nt's publishing photos of what he deemed "his property". 
> Accusing F--nt of going to extremes to gain favor/protection from the 
> government, Da--e shouted, "He's a bigger --ore than the girls he 
> promotes! "

(soothing music plays)
More. M-M-M-More. Core. C-C-C-Core. Store. St-St-St-Store.
Order your "Reading Is Fun" tapes, with the creepee-deepee "Readalee
Deedelee", today!  Only $19.95 for the first minute and $5.95 for each
additional minute per cassette.  ACT NOW, unlike the people in the videos!

                                        -- K.

                                        Matt McIrvin claims to have never
                                        seen that commercial, therefore,
                                        HE CAN'T READ!!!

From: (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject:      Re: Thread33 Bigfootb
Newsgroups:, alt.alien.visitors,
              alt.religion.kibology, alt.alien.research
Sender: (Mr Usenet Himself)
Organization: welcome datacomp
Date:         Fri, 4 Jul 1997 06:54:19 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 7748 centons, 83 microns, .01 hrothgars

In [16 newsgroups], "John F. Winston" ( wrote:
>   This part seems to say that we have quite a few bodies of aliens
> stashed in all the wrong places.

"Balki, if you hadn't stashed the WRONG part of the alien in our walk-in
meat locker in the basement, we wouldn't be suck out here on this window
ledge trying to shoot the President!"

(And then hilarity ensued, followed by an intergalactic war which killed
everyone in the Universe.  Then Balki apologized to the aliens and they

BTW, John, your posts might be seen by _more_ people (paradoxically) if you
cross-posted to _fewer_ groups; a lot of people killfile anything send to
more than three or four newsgroups.  (Sixteen newsgroups is a little
excessive, even for such important information.)  Also, very long
Newsgroups: headers like that tend to get chopped off at the end when they
go through some sites, which just gives you a broken article (cross-posted
to something like "alt.alien.visi") which then self-destructs, again
Except for people who don't read Usenet.

                                             -- K.
                                             I don't read Usenet, 
                                             I just post.

From: (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject:      Re: Thread33 Bigfootc
Newsgroups:, alt.slack,
              alt.alien.visitors, alt.religion.kibology
Organization: welcome datacomp
Date:         Tue, 8 Jul 1997 09:32:59 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 7748 centons, 83 microns, .01 hrothgars

In a number of newsgroups, namely twelve, "John F. Winston"
( wrote:
> Now to make a comment.

You're allowed.

> On Mon, 7 Jul 1997, Karlo Takki wrote:
> > 
> > Mr. Winston,
> > 
> > I hope you've been following the news about the Mars lander.
> JW  Yes, I have been watching it.

I like how the little rover can still outrun a crop-dusting plane even with 
O.J. Simpson riding on it.  Of course, no crop-dusting plane in a movie has
ever been used to dust crops.  (For instance, in "North By Northwest",
Martin Landau used one to blow the Moon out of orbit.)

But we all know what Rover is *really* looking for: it wants to find
Patrick McGoohan and give him a big wet kiss.

> > First they rename Pathfinder to the "Carl Sagan Memorial Space Station".
> > As we all know, Leader Kibo slew Mr. Sagan with merciless satire.  Then,
> > they nickname a particularly interesting rock "Yogi".
> JW  Yes that made Yogi very happy.

I'd like to set the record straight.

I did *not* kill Carl Sagan with merciless satire.  My satire is just and
merciful and has soft cushy quilted edges so as not to make the babies cry.

Sagan died hours after some guy flamed the living crap out of him on Usenet.
(And as you know, without living crap, you're dead.)

> > Yes, "Yogi".
> > 
> > Either the good people down at NASA read ark (or the other 11 groups in
> > this header) or you, Mr. Winston, are more "connected" than you're
> > willing to admit.
> JW  I know nothing, as Sgt. Sultz would say.

There are three possibilities.

(1)  The rock is named after the two-dimensional cartoon character.

(2)  The rock is named after the baseball malapropist.

(3)  The rock is named after a guy who sticks his feet in his ears for fun.

Now, no matter which Yogi NASA was alluding to, this proves that NASA's
a little weird.
> > Come clean, Mr Winston!  What are you not telling us?
> JW I have brown eyes, at least they used to be that color.

And they say I have the brain of a four-year-old, but I don't know how they
can tell: the jar isn't labelled or anything.  And I only show it to people
I like.

>   What are you
> > up?  Who are you fronting for?  Are you a disinformation agent?
> JW If I am, I wish they would get the address right for sending
> me my back checks.

John_-_, I suspect the real truth is that you're a disdisinformation agent.

> > Enquiring minds want to know!
> JW  Sure they do.

What *I* want in a newspaper is news which is *so* stunningly weird that
even people who DON'T have enquiring minds want to read about it.

I only want to read about stuff I don't want to read about!

                              -- K.
                              Enquiring brains in jars want to escape.


James "Kibo" Parry
last revised Mar. 12, '98

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