Kibo's Virtual Reality Tour

Dumb Toys, Gallery 2:
Action Figures

Kibo says:

Sometimes you love a celebrity so much that you wish he or she would be dipped in plastic then shrunk down to tiny size and enclosed in an airtight box so you could own him or her. There's nothing abnormal about that.

Of course, because this is an "action figure" gallery -- not a "doll" gallery -- it only shows boy toys, which are toys for boys, which are usually dolls shaped like boys. Dollies for girlies will be exhibited separately at a later date (it takes them longer to get ready.)

I apologize for the murky quality of some of these mug shots, but I had to get the camera inches from the little heads, and most of these had clear plastic boxes around them which confused my camera's auto-focus radar. I need to go back to the camera store and ask them what sort of professional camera is best for taking photos of dolls' faces.




Alan Bean, Black Power Ranger

Alan Bean used to be an astronaut. Now he's a Power Ranger.

What's he gonna do, squirt me with his Tang ray?

And here's Alan Bean's other secret identity:

Mr. Bean, not a Power Ranger

If you stare at this picture of Mr. Bean for more than five minutes, it will be interrupted by a pledge break.

Rowan Atkinson's eyebrows and hair are the reason the highway department didn't have the resources to fix that pothole in front of your house.




Thor doll

Rrr! John Tesh angry!

It's actually a Thor doll. Why is he Thor? Becauth he'th wearing those big thilver things over his nippleth.




Erik Estrada of TV's 'CHiPs'

You know, there's only one thing more disappointing than getting an Erik Estrada "CHiPs '99" action figure for Christmas...

Larry Wilcox of TV's 'CHiPs'

...and if you're not disappointed yet, I should point out that these are "CHiPs '99" action figures, from the movie "CHiPs '99", which was shown on TV in 1998. Oddly, the action figures haven't gotten twenty years older.

Notice that Officer Baker appears to be turning into something even scarier than a vampire: a cross between a vampire and Joe Piscopo!




Jonathan Pryce from "Tomorrow Never Dies"

Peter Sellers is Ben Stein in "Win Dr. Strangelove's Money"!

Actually, it's a doll of Jonathan Pryce as the bad guy in the James Bond film "Tomorrow Never Dies". You can tell he's evil because no good-guy action figure ever wore glasses.




Roddy McDowall as Cornelius the highly-evolved chimp

Hollywood was always abuzz with rumors about the size of Roddy McDowall's beard.

I think that when the action figures of "Babylon 5"'s Peter Jurasik didn't sell, they just turned the hair upside down.




Don Adams as Agent 86Barbara Feldon as Agent 99

Don Adams looks even more crazed than he should, but Barbara Feldon is just the right mix of mod and fluorescent with her glowing magenta lips.

Remember how, on "Get Smart", Don Adams was taller than Barbara Feldon in close-ups, but he was much shorter than her whenever you could see his feet? Well, although you can't tell from these head shots, I compared the dolls and they made Don Adams a little taller than Barbara Feldon. And they didn't even give him the giant high-heeled boots (with tent-sized bell-bottoms covering them) that he wore in "The Nude Bomb". I find it ironic that apparently someone is worried about being too short when he's a six-inch doll!




Ken as Rhett Butler

"Ken as Rhett Butler". That's what the little card next to him in the display case for the Very Expensive Collector Barbie Dolls said. I am not making this up.

He is completely authentic to Clark Gable and to Ken in all ways, right down to the detail of including Clark Gable's full-size hat on the sixth-scale doll. (Odd that they can sculpt faces but they can't figure out how to make hats that fit. Was this hat originally intended for Charlie Brown?)




And now, the "Mission: Impossible" section...

Tom Cruise with puffy puffy fireman's pants

Tom Cruise is Torgo!

Okay, you probably didn't see that movie. Or the one with Torgo in it. One had a helicopter chasing a bullet train through a tunnel and a twist ending where they revealed whether or not Jon Voight was evil. The other had a guy with enormous thighs who was involved in a creepy religious cult. You draw the diagram.

Tom Cruise will pump you up!

(This appears to have been sculpted by the same guy who carved the 1996 "Battlestar Galactica" action figures, where Starbuck had a similar steroid problem.)

Tom Cruise paints his head silver... I don't know why either.

"A Quick Disguise And Ethan Evades Industrial Sabotage", says the caption. So, apparently, in the "Mission: Impossible" world, if someone's going to sabotage your factory, you should dip your head in silver paint. And wear sunglasses so you won't be conspicuous.

Gosh, these toys have managed to turn "Mission: Impossible" from a completely realistic TV series into something silly. Martin Landau must be rolling in his grave!

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Last revised
May 2, 1999
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