Oh, sure, they call them "action figures", and then the side of the box says "POSES REQUIRE HAND SUPPORT", "DOLL DOES NOT ACTUALLY TALK", and "FUN NOT INCLUDED". Well, so that you won't be disappointed, here are some action figures which are as active as the guys they're based on.
Young George Burns. (I think his tie might be a clip-on.)
Let's pull the doll's string and watch it age!
In his middle age, whether with his tuxedo's top button open or closed, he never failed to flash his winning smile and his yellow teeth.
(These two photos are different dolls -- they all have giant, cockeyed glasses.)
In his last years, George Burns's head grew larger, and he lost his glasses. Also he became more expensive and thus had to be kept in the special mirrored cabinet with Ken As Rhett Butler and Star Trek Barbie.
This picture on the back of young George Burns's box is from when he wore lots of black lipstick. In his Goth period.
Whoever designed young George Burns's box seems to have been on drugs. But at least this weirdly solarized picture gives me an idea for a name for my psychedelic rock band: GRACIE'S GLOWING FOREHEAD. (Apparently her brain emitted purple Cherenkov radiation.)
...he took most of the world's apostrophes, too.
You've heard about it, now here it is at long last: The Limited-Edition G.I. Joe "Bob Hope" twelve-incher, based on America's favorite Honorary Veteran (yes, Congress said so.) If this photo of Toy Bob Hope's face isn't enough to convince you this is a thrilling toy, let's take a look at the rest of the package... (without buying it.)
I notice that the box doesn't say "Bob Hope Doll", it says "Bob Hope". The box became even more frightening when I saw the tiny gray-on-beige warning that I could choke on Bob Hope. (What do they think people do with these dolls?)
Few people realize that Bob Hope's audience was never larger than five sailors, a guy from "Adam-12", and Huntz Hall. And even Mr. Hope never realized that they were just cardboard cutouts.
Bob Hope is frequently cited as being the greatest entertainer who ever lived. So how come his doll doesn't come in young, medium, and old versions like George Burns's? I say that Bob Hope should prove that he's a bigger star than George Burns by authorizing his doll to come in young, medium, old, and really old versions.
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May 2, 1999
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