Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" 2000 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 09:44:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I would just like to point out that I am the only person on the Internet who has figured out why "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" is stupid. But I haven't been able to segue into it because nobody posted any followups to my "Mazes & Monsters" article which were as BRAINY as my original, so I'm just going to start from scratch and say it here and yet you bask in the reflected glory of this post which is not a followup to any of you people. Okay, here's my revelation. Ready? The movie's premise is that if you play a game where you pretend to be other people, because you're not good at pretending to be other people you'll base your game character's exploits on your real life, and this will blur the distinction between reality and fantasy, and you'll think you're playing Dungeons & Dragons in real life and go permanently insane and kill Lenny or Squiggy and then jump off the World Trade Center after strolling onto the roof through the locked door which you opened with one of your imaginary spells. Now, the problem is... Tom Hanks spent the entire shooting schedule of the movie PRETENDING TO BE A GUY WHO'S INSANE!!! This means that if the "Dungeons & Dragons causes permanent total insanity because it involves pretending" theory is true, then Tom Hanks is now permanently insane, and indeed, all other actors are suffering permanent brain damage as we speak! James Earl Jones thinks he's Darth Vader! David Prowse also thinks he's Darth Vader! William Daniels thinks he's KITT! The guy who plays Barney thinks he wuvs you! Lucille Ball thinks she's an idiot! Joe Piscopo thinks he's a movie star! Ha! I have destroyed Rona Jaffe's whole movie. I demand the Academy strike the movie's Best Picture Oscar from the records. ALSO, NOW I DESERVE THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR DUNGEONS & DRAGONS! -- K. I want to know why characters in D&D can't skip Experience Level 13 the way my building's elevator does. (And I'm glad it does, because the Secret Floor holds an evil ventrilo- quist dummy that shoots tranquilizer darts from its eye socket.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.dungeon-dragon,rec.games.frp.dnd From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 6 Dec 1998 08:23:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology So, am I the only one here who has seen this fine movie over one hundred times? In one day? And am I the only one here who likes to make believe he's Tom Hanks making believe he's Robbie making believe he's Pardu for weeks on end? I am looking for people who are pretending to be the other three actors in "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" so that we can play a game of Kibo's "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters". Requirements are: 1.) The three people must be unable to figure out that, in New York City, "The Two Towers" refers to the World Trade Center. 2.) There has to be one guy who has a 190 I.Q. (verified by his mother, who decorates his room in solid white) and has a different funny hat in every scene to show that he's an eccentric genius just like Chuck Barris. Also he has to celebrate Brigette Bardot's birthday and go to Halloween parties dressed like Noel Coward just in case we don't already know that there's no difference between having a 190 I.Q. and being gay. Don't forget to have a "Casablanca" poster. 3.) There has to be a young woman who wants to be a writer but has writer's block due to a lack of life experience. 4.) And the other guy has to be the really good-looking, smart, well-liked, normal person nobody would possibly expect to go out of his way to play a stupid board game that makes you go permanently insane. 5.) Oh, and someone has to bring a badly-dubbed talking bird that can dispense plot points repeatedly while we're ignoring it. Anyway, I'm going to go wander around wailing "I THINK I KILLED SOMEBODY! WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER!" in Tom Hanks's voice until Lenny and Squiggy start chasing me around to steal my bag of spells and I run away from them like a big sissy who would grow up to play Forrest Gump running away from people like a big sissy. Remember, if they catch us sneaking into Pequod Caverns, we'll be expelled! -- K. Also my favorite scene is where the Jack Webb-like detective intones seriously, "Mazes & Monsters is a 'far-out' game." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 07:32:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lynne Simpson (savitri@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also my favorite scene is where the Jack Webb-like detective > > intones seriously, "Mazes & Monsters is a 'far-out' game." > > And that voice-over at the end is ridiculous and way condescending. I agree with you that the rest of the movie was brainy, like "The Purple Rose Of Cairo", "Brazil", and "Logan's Run". However, I think more movies need ridiculous yet condescending voice-overs. For instance: (at the end of any James Bond movie starring Roger Moore and his hairpiece:) "JAMES BOND IS REAL!!! HOPE YOU WEREN'T TOO INTELLIGENT TO ENJOY THIS FINE QUALITY PIECE OF CINEMA!!!" (at the end of any Don Bluth Studios cartoon:) "ALL DOGS REALLY DO GO TO HEAVEN!!! AND IN HEAVEN EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT SHADES OF LAVENDER!!! YOU LIKE LAVENDER!!! HOPE YOU WEREN'T THE KIND OF JERK THAT DOESN'T LOVE THIS SORT OF WONDERFUL MAJOR MOTION PICTURE EXPERIENCE!!!" (at the end of any Chris Farley movie:) "HA HA HA HA WE MADE YOU WATCH THIS!!! WE GOT YOUR MONEY!!!" That last one's especially ridiculous, as no force in the Universe could make me watch a Chris Farley movie, not even Darth Vader holding a lightsaber in each hand and blocking the exit with a big glob of rancid Cheez Whiz. That came out of his butt. (I would like to apologize for making a bathroom joke about Darth Vader, but there is something about the concept of Chris Farley movies that makes me think of space poop.) > Bleah. It *is* funny how movies portray people who have high IQs. It > might have been more accurate to show the guy wearing the SAME hat in > every scene, and in his closet there'd be a dozen more of them, all > alike. :-) Excuse me, I think you misspelled "a twisty maze of little hats, all alike." (WELL, SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT. I'M JUST SORRY IT HAD TO BE ME.) -- K. I was actually going to make a serious observation on the logical fallacy of the core conceit of "Mazes & Monsters" but it's hard to be serious when you're thinking about Darth Vader making orange space deposits on Chris Farley. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: A Brief Commercial Message. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 08:49:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor THOSE blue stains on your dentures will take FOREVER to remove! [LAP-DISSOLVE] Wow, those dentures are perfect! UH-OH, looks like the house needs painting AGAIN! [LAP-DISSOLVE] What a swell new paint job! But won't that turkey take HOURS to cook? [LAP-DISSOLVE] What a perfect bird! Busy TV and movie star Majel Barrett, how did you have time to sanitize your dentures, paint the house, and cook your turkey? "I used new LAP-DISSOLVE from Grass Valley! It's from the makers of JUMP CUT WITH DING! Just watch how new LAP-DISSOLVE deals with these unruly kids!" [LAP-DISSOLVE] Wow, no more problem kids! The house is empty! "You betcha. New LAP-DISSOLVE can also make time pass in an instant!" [LAP-DISSOLVE] --IN FALLOUT SHELTERS! WE WILL NOW GO OFF THE AIR. TUNE TO YOUR CONELRAD STATION FOR UPDATES FROM THE WAR DEPARTMENT. [NUCLEAR EXPLOSION WITH DING] -- K. I had Nuclear Explosion With Ding in a Chinese restaurant once. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: I feel dirty. Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 01:04:42 GMT Reply-To: kibo@world.std.com Organization: HappyNet Headquarters For a daily newsletter to which I contribute (even though my grammar is somewhat awkward as in this sentence) today I decided to write about how to find books in libraries, i.e., the Dewey Decimal system and the much less bozotic Library of Congress cataloging system (which doesn't put computer programming with Bigfoot and doesn't cram all the biographies into "921".) So I went to the Library of Congress's Web site and poked around for about an hour, visiting fifty or sixty pages, as well as gophers, looking for their official list of what the "A" through "Z" categories were. Their site's search form was no help. The closest I could find was a FAQ which (a) told me that the Library of Congress does not use the Dewey Decimal System and (b) told me that the actual classification system was secret: > Are Library of Congress Classification (LCC) schedules available on > the Internet? > > LCC schedules are not available on the Internet at this time. > The Library is now exploring Internet access for users outside LC. > LC's Cataloging Distribution Service is also considering Internet access > for Classification Plus. Classification Plus is a full-text, Windows-based > CD-ROM product that contains the Library of Congress Classification schedules > and Library of Congress Subject Headings. So, I gave up on the LC's maze-like Web site and I went to a non-government-funded search engine because I know that there must be plenty of libraries out there that have posted simple "HOW TO USE THE LIBRARY" Web pages listing the LC categories. I searched for the phrase "Library of Congress classification" and the topmost result was... ...a well-hidden page at the Library of Congress's site listing exactly what I wanted. I am worried because I feel that this constitutes evidence that might lead me to suspect that Don Saklad could perhaps be right, that there just may indeed possible be a gigantic conspiracy of libraries to hide information from us. Well, okay, I was able to find it, so it's just a conspiracy to hide the information from him. And that's okay. Now I no linger feel my skin crawling from agreeing with Don Saklad. By the way, the Boston Public Library is one of the 10% of public libraries that use the LC system instead of Dewey, and their Web site doesn't tell what the "A"-"Z" categories are, but they have a nice colorful diagram showing how to read a LC call number. However, I wager that the diagram is simply disinformation to confuse Don Saklad. -- K. Strike "wager", insert "hope". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Laverne & Shirley Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 07:19:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor For those of you who didn't read the "Subject:" header, I'm talking about the lame old TV series "Laverne & Shirley". For those of you who only saw it in reruns, I'm taling about "Laverne & Shirley & Company" and "Laverne DeFazio & Shirley Feeney" as well. (That was back in the days when they had to change the title of a show that was in syndicated reruns while the network version was still airing, as with "Happy Days Again", "More Happy Days", "More Real People", "Match Game PM", "Match Game '77", and "Galactica 1980".) Anyway, in the antepenultimate season, they moved to Hollywood. (Remember when Lucy & Ricky went to Hollywood? That show was such a ripoff of "Laverne & Shirley".) Then, in the next season, Cindy Williams was noticeably pregnant, so they did only really lame physical comedy (like being accidentally hypnotized into acting like chickens while being paid to live in The House Of The Year 2000 in a store window for two weeks -- I am not making tonight's rerun up) and Shirley Feeney had to get married to this offscreen Walter Meaney guy we hardly ever saw even though her steady boyfriend and contractually obligated series regular Carmine kept hanging around, and then Shirley got pregnant too. (And in the aforementioned episode, wacky neighbor Rhonda appeared in a "Bonomania" live stage tribute to Sonny & Cher. Remember how Laverne & Shirley used to live in the fifties until about 1980 when they started living in this weird hybrid of the early sixties plus 1980 and the Beatles too?) Now, if those two seasons hadn't yet sucked all the air out of the leaky lead balloon, then came... THE FINAL SEASON. Shirley mysteriously disappeared between seasons. They still called the show "Laverne & Shirley" even though it was just Penny Marshall in an empty room talking to herself. And Lenny & Squiggy still dropped by although Squiggy was also invisible, inaudible, and not in the same state as the actual cast. So, basically, it was Laverne & Lenny. So I put it to you folks: PLEASE WRITE ME AN EPISODE OF "LAVERNE & SHIRLEY" FROM THE SEASON THAT WOULD HAVE FOLLOWED THAT ONE IF THE SHOW HADN'T BEEN EUTHANIZED. Really, I want to know what would have happened in the next year. It's like car wreck. Only not as funny. -- K. If you people do this for me I'll tell you about Gene Roddenberry's plans for season 4 of "Star Trek", in which Captain Kirk and Captain Koloth became wacky roommates and Spock became a TV talk show host while pregnant. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Director's Cut" (review) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 03:58:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > I eagerly anticipated watching the special broadcast last night (11/30) of > "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," which contained restored and previously > unseen footage. As is often the case, however, my sense of anticipation was > only partly fulfilled. > > *The additional Island of Misfit Toys sequence, with the Barbara Bain doll > constantly falling over and crushing the smaller toys, could have gone > smoother. THAT... WAS... NO... DOLL! THAT... WAS... MY... WIFE! Also, when the North Pole blew up at the end, it looked nothing like when Santa saw the vision of the North Pole blowing up in that first- season episode where Majel Barrett went bald. -- K. Has anyone noticed that the Claudia Christian "Babylon 5" action figure looks REALLY creepy? And what kid would need the Flounder doll? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A story about a soire I attended. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 04:05:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@duh.seanet.com) wrote: > > I walk thru the door and all the people have short hair and they are all > white white springtime white and they have little tiny eyeglasses in the > shapes of rectangles. Big deal. I have contact lenses with pictures of eyeglasses printed on them to make people think I'm not so vain that I wear contacts. BEAT THAT! > And they are all skinny skinny tiny little people. I am thinking how > easy it would be to poke one of them in the ribs and watch > them crumple like a bit of white white white paper. MOMMY! LEAH VERRE IS PRETENDING TO BE ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM PRETENDING TO BE A PRO WRESTLER AGAIN! > And they don't just offer me a glass of wine. They offer me a choice > of wine, like not just the color. A choice as in "Would you like > something Spanish, Italian or French?" So you wanted the French so you said "Oui, Oui" and got a glass of yellow wine. > "I'll take something red" I say. Then I make the obvious joke about how > their wine is all fancy schmancy because it doesn't have a screw-off lid > like all mine do. Mine have pull tabs! BEAT THAT! > And then come the cheeses and the olives and the FOCCACIA and all sorts of > substances one only finds at grocery stores that offer valet parking. And > I'm thinking "where are the Doritos? But no, there's just bread and cheese > and wine and olives and strange substances in jars. I have a big jar filled with little jars. And the big jar is made from cheese and the little jars are made from Doritos taped together air-tightly. BEAT THAT! > And,of course, they "don't really smoke." Tiny skinny white people with > short hair and square little glasses smoking their tiny thin little brown > stinky clove cigarettes, but they don't really smoke. Clove cigarettes? I've got asafetida cigarettes! BEAT THAT! > Oh how gauche my little house is. My refridgerator does have your very fine > Italian cracked olives. But next to it you'll find a jar of Miracle Whip. > And if you search my pantry for munchables, you'll find your fancy Italian > crustini, and you'll find some baked blue corn tortilla chips with a slight > hint of lime. But you'll also find the bag of Doritoes. ^^^^^ ^^ The first time I read this it was arranged to spell out "with a slight hint of DOG." STOP MAKING THINGS SEEM WEIRDER THAN THEY ARE! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE TO BE WEIRDER THAN REALITY! JUST LOOK AT MEXICAN TV! > But if you ever, ever, ever bring your clove cigarette in my house, I will > take the pack from your fingers, crunch it into a stinky brown little ball, > and send you out on the porch with a pack of Marlboros. > > But of course, I dont' really smoke. I really don't really smoke. I WIN AGAIN!!! Give me all your Doritos. -- K. Remember those old-timey Doritoes that actually had corners? I'm wondering how large the lawsuit was that got them to redesign 'em. Do you think they use toenail clippers to do that? Whose? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Andy Rooney's Car Stolen Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 08:37:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In article , [Aaaaaaaaaaaaaandy! You be more annoying like I raised you to be!] the Associated Press wrote: > > BRIDGEPORT, Conn. (AP) -- Now Andy Rooney really has something to > grumble about. > Someone stole the ``60 Minutes'' commentator's BMW over the > weekend and pilfered its leather seats, WOW! I WOULD PAY A LOT OF SOMETHING THAT ANDY ROONEY'S BUTT WAS ON! BY THE WAY I'M BEING SO SARCASTIC THAT I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT I'M BEING SARCASTIC! ANDY ROONEY'S BUTT CAN KISS MY BUTT! BUT NOT REALLY! > dashboard, radio and door panels. Well, at least they left his "I BRAKE TO ANNOY YOU" bumper sticker. I've got three of those and I don't even have a car! > The car was discovered Saturday after it was stolen from > Rooney's home in Norwalk. Garage operators said the heist appeared > to be a steal-to-order job "I order you to steal some unimportant things from Andy Rooney because I like him so much I want his commentary to be longer this week." Is this reminding anyone else of the "Kids In The Hall" sketch where Bruce McCullogh talked for ten minutes about how someone stole the back wheel of his bicycle? (Note: Bruce wasn't the one who wrote all the flamingly gay material. That was Dave Foley.) > for someone who needed new BMW parts. > Rooney told the Connecticut Post the incident might provide > material for his syndicated newspaper column. REALLY? GOSH, I AM STARTLED AND AMAZED TO HEAR THAT!!! <-- SARCAS-TASTIC > ``I was thinking, for a column, of finding out how much money > I've paid for auto insurance over the years, because I've never had > a claim,'' he said. ``Over 10 to 20 years, that has to be $70,000 > to $80,000, right?'' THAT INDEED IS FUNNY! -- K. LESS FUNNY THAN ANDY ROONEY BUT YOU DON'T HEAR ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Babylon 5 is OVER! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 06:21:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor And now, a post made more exciting via the magic of EXTRA INDENTATION! Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > > > Michael Janssen (jansse00@cs.uni.edu) wrote: > > > > > > > > > Children taste WONDERFUL with "oregano"! > > > > > > FINNISH FOOD IS PEOPLE! FINNISH FOOD IS PEOPLE! > > > Here. Have a lutedood: o-X <-- Me! I'm really short and laying down! The question is, should we pronounce that the American way, as "lewt. dewd.", or the proper Scandinegian way, "loo-OO-te-doo-ood"? Also, you look like the big joystick from "Joker's Wild", only sideways. -- K. Do they have game shows in Finland featuring only stupid contestants and easy questions, or do they just import American TV where all the game shows are really brainy like "Wheel Of Fortune"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Believe in Okra and be ye saved? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 06:20:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Katharine Kalweit (bluroses@earthlink.net) wrote: > Hey, Archimedes Plutonium loves your Computing Center. > As I was driving home from the library (where I work) tonight, I noticed > that the local Baptist church has a sign announcing that "The Okra Show" > would be there this coming Sunday. Unfortunately (or not) I have prior > commitments that will make me unable to attend and report to the group > if, in fact, Okra is the key to Salvation. Oh... you already have an appointment at one of those EGGPLANT places. Anyway, I can't be in the studio audience of The Okra Show either, so we'll just have to use our imaginations... IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, IT'S NEW TO YOU! (FLEXITRON MUSIC) CONAN O'BRIEN Andy, do we have a great show for these people tonight? ANDY RICHTER Well... no. But they don't care. CONAN O'BRIEN Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Tee-hee. Oh, Andy! You'll be the death of me yet! ANDY RICHTER (under his breath) Sooner than you think. CONAN O'BRIEN Hee hee hee hee! Anyway, folks, don't listen to Andy, he's just drunk. We really do have a good show tonight. First up-- (THERE IS AN EXPLOSION OFFSCREEN. AUDIENCE SCREAMS. THE CAMERA PANS AROUND MADLY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON.) CONAN O'BRIEN WHAT THE FUDGE? GIANT TALKING OKRA (holding a space bazooka) Greetings, Earth humans. I come in peace. (THE OKRA VAPORIZES ANDY. CONAN SCREAMS AND WETS HIS PANTS. THE OKRA VAPORIZES CONAN. THEN IT VAPORIZES THE AUDIENCE.) GIANT TALKING OKRA Now the stage is all set for... The Okra Show. (CAMERA ZOOMS IN VERY, VERY, VERY CLOSE TO THE OKRA'S FACE AS THE OKRA LAUGHS. VERY ABRUPTLY THE OKRA STOPS LAUGHING AND THE CAMERA WHIPLASHES BACK TO NORMAL DISTANCE.) GIANT TALKING OKRA Okra know funny. This go... NOW!!! (CUT TO:) SPOT (traipsing down the street) La la la, la la la, la la... la de da... traipse traipse traipse. (SPOT ROUNDS A CORNER AND HOLLY HOBBIE IS STANDING THERE MOTIONLESS. SHE IS SEEN ONLY FROM THE SIDE AND HER BONNET COVERS HER HEAD COMPLETELY. SHE SAYS NOTHING AND DOES NOTHING. SHE IS TEN FEET TALL AND MADE OF PLYWOOD.) SPOT Waah! Holly Hobbie doesn't do anything! (HOLLY HOBBIE FALLS AND CRUSHES HIM. PAN OVER TO THE STREET. THE GIANT HEAD OF BOB HOPE, WITH LAWNMOWER WHEELS, IS CHASING A MAN DOWN THE STREET.) MAN Help me! Help me! BOB HOPE (mechanically) Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! MAN I don't deserve this, I'm just the guy who invented cloning! And my cloning process never worked! Except on Bob Hope! And it made his head really big and mounted it on wheels and gave it a robot brain programmed to kill! Why do I deserve this? BOB HOPE (mechanically) Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Here's Brooke Shields! (THE HEAD HURLS BROOKE SHIELDS AT HIM.) MAN Ow! Brooke Shields is hard! MATTEL CORPORATE REPRESENTATIVE Excuse me, but as the head of Mattel Inc. I would like to change that to have him say "Brooke Shields is a wonderful challenge." MAN I don't deserve this! (HE PUTS A GUN TO HIS HEAD AND FIRES IT. A "BANG" BANNER POPS OUT OF THE OTHER SIDE OF HIS HEAD. HE FALLS TO THE GROUND AND A "THUD" BANNER POPS UP SILENTLY.) BOB HOPE (mechanically) Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! (BOB HOPE TURNS INTO AN ALLEY. SOME PEOPLE BEGIN BOWLING ON HIM. NEARBY A GUY IS DRINKING BEER THROUGH A CRAZY STRAW WHILE HOLDING A BOWLING BALL IN EACH HAND. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THE BOTTLE TO REVEAL A TINY JERRY SEINFELD.) TINY JERRY SEINFELD What's the deal with those bees that eat your flesh? (THE BOTTLE IS SUDDENLY FILLED WITH BEES. THEY EAT HIS FLESH.) TINY JERRY SEINFELD'S SKELETON I don't like these bees any more and I am never getting into a bottle filled with bees ever again. I'm leaving! (HE OPENS A DOOR IN THE SIDE OF THE BOTTLE AND WALKS OUT. A FAT GUY SITS ON HIM.) FAT GUY Hey! It feels like I'm sitting on Jerry Seinfeld! (HE STANDS UP AND CHECKS.) Oh... it was just his skeleton. That's okay! (HE SITS DOWN ON THE SKELETON AGAIN. THEN HE PICKS UP THE BOTTLE OF BEES AND DRINKS THEM.) FAT GUY (now making bee noises) Bzz bzz bzz bzzzz bzz bzzzzz! (HE FLIES AWAY TO A MEADOW FILLED WITH DAISIES. EACH DAISY HAS A BIG EYEBALL IN THE CENTER. A LAWNMOWER BEGINS MOWING THE DAISIES. AS THE LAWNMOWER IS PUSHED ACROSS THE FRAME WE SEE THAT IT IS BEING PUSHED BY A LARGER, AMBULATORY DAISY WITH A LAUGHING MOUTH WHERE ITS EYE SHOULD BE. THE EVIL DAISY LAUGHS. THE LAUGHING GIANT HEAD OF BOB HOPE ON WHEELS FOLLOWS IT. THE FAT GUY FLIES INTO BOB HOPE'S HEAD, CAUSING IT TO CRASH INTO THE LAWNMOWER. THERE IS A HUGE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION WHICH CREATES AN ENORMOUS MUSHROOM CLOUD. A COUPLE SECONDS AFTER THE EXPLOSION, THE NUCLEAR CLOUD FREEZES. ZOOM IN ON THE BIG ROUND PART OF THE MUSHROOM CLOUD. A LITTLE HATCH POPS OPEN AND WE SEE A CRUDELY-DRAWN BIRD.) BIRD It's a living! Rawk! (THE SWARM OF BEES FLIES INTO THE SIDE OF THE MUSHROOM CLOUD AND THEY ALL POP ONE BY ONE LIKE POPCORN. JERRY SEINFELD'S FLATTENED SKELETON CRAWLS INTO VIEW.) TINY JERRY SEINFELD'S FLATTENED SKELETON Well, I'd just like to say that the-- (CUT TO TALKING OKRA. IT SCOWLS AT THE CAMERA FOR SEVERAL SECONDS.) GIANT TALKING OKRA (very angry) Me not laugh! End! (CUT TO BLACK. THERE IS THE SOUND OF BEES BUZZING INSIDE A TIN CAN. IT CONTINUES THROUGH THE NEXT SIX TV SHOWS, AND ALL THE ONES AFTER THEM, AND ONLY STOPS WHEN HOLLY HOBBIE DOES SOMETHING.) -- K. I would like to point out that I made all this stuff up, it wasn't real, except that Bob Hope and Holly Hobbie were real compared to the okra. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.gossip.celebrities From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BITS AND PIECES...12/03 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 04:29:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Syadoz" (meanmeso@roanoke.infi.net) wrote: > > Pusssykatt@aol.com said: > > > > "[***]From Entertainment Weekly magazine comes this > > scooplet: that Woody Allen will > > soon agree to star in Peter and Bobby Farrelly's next wild > > comedy, "Stuck on > > You," wherein Woody would play one half of a pair of Siamese > > twin brothers. I would just like to point out that my WebTV keeps displaying that as "Suck On You". Is this a mistake, a problem, or an opportunity? > > Now, the question is, would Woody play both brothers, thanks > > to the wizardry of > > special effects? Or would they find another actor? If the > > Farrellys, who gave > > us "There's Something About Mary," decide on the latter, why > > not use > > "Celebrity" star Kenneth Branagh? We know he does a mean > > Woody impersonation." > > The EW article I read said that Woody's character is > supposed to be very ill, as he lacks his own personal liver. You read ElectraWoman magazine? Wow! I thought they stopped publishing that after Morgan Freeman quit the show it was based on because he was tired of playing Easy Reader. > The directors want to cast someone whose physical appearance > will contrast with Woody's feebler look. So I take it Archimedes Plutonium is not at the top of their list. > Are you like me? Are you thinkin' - hey, that hearty > studmuffin Rosey Grier! He'd be perfect! But "The Thing With Two Heads" (Milland, Grier) wasn't nearly as good as "The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant", which featured CASEY KASEM, for damn sure! It also featured Pat Priest (one of the two girls to play Marilyn Munster) and Bruce Dern as the mad scientist (duh). Casey, believe it or not, is the action hero. ZOINKS!!! Dimensional Designs makes a great plastic model kit shaped like him/them/it. And dig that crazy theme song! The writer/director/star also made "The Nasty Rabbit", a movie which is almost as good. > And! If Woody has a scene where he is too ill to stand or > walk around, Rosey can carry him around! > > Yeah I am calling those Farrelly's. Lemme find my > Rolodex.... How about a movie where these two brothers who make movies get hit by lightning and one of them is fused to a Rolodex and the other turns into a fifty-foot Woody Allen? LESLIE NIELSEN COULD BE IN IT!!! -- K. I MEAN WE COULD GRIND HIM UP AND MIX HIM INTO THE CHEMICALS THAT MAKE THE FILM STOCK! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BOKKS AND WHERE TO GET THEM! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 04:49:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In soc.libraries.talk, SKELETAL29@webtv.net (ABBAS AJMAL) wrote: > > Subject: BOKKS AND WHERE TO GET THEM! > > IF YOU WANT TO BUT BOOKS,GO TO MY WEBPAGE.IT IS FAST EASY,AND CHEAP! YES I WOULD LIKE TO BUTT BOKKS ESPECIALLY REAL FAST AND CHEAP. BOKKS MUST BE BUTTED TO BECOME A BORN-AGAIN ARTH! > AND WEHAVE THE BOOKS THAT YOU CANT FIND! > > JUST GOTO: > HTTP:COME.TO/SKULL29 > > WE HAVE WHAT YOU WANT!! > > YOU WONT REGREATE IT! WE GUARANTEE YOU WON'T SAY IT'S GREAT TWICE!!!! -- K. I AM TYPING IN ALL CAPS EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A WEBTV, BOO HOO! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BOTTLE OF BEES Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 01:52:03 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > > > http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/5606/story13.html > > I like the "boat of ants" part. I can think of no better > allegory to how USENET and ARK function. All right, let me paste in the Web page here so that everyone who has Internet access but not Web access can enjoy it. (It's a technique I learned from Don Saklad.) From Tim Silverman's glorious Web page "Ark Of Ants, Bottle Of Bees": -> You might not expect to find insects doing interesting things in a public -> high school, but they abound at mine. Waah! I was one of those spoiled rich kids that went to a school that didn't have any ants, flies, wasps, or mosquitoes within five hundred miles, and therefore I grew up without any life experience! -> A recent influx of bees has girls screeching and dodging the trashcans -> where the bees hang out. And at my school we didn't throw trashcans at the girls, neither. -> There, they feed on the leftovers of a 3,000-head -> feast that lasts two hours every day. We call it lunch. -> -> They find the remaining sips of sugary soft drink left in bottles and cans -> buried deep in the trash. BEES ARE LIKE HOMELESS PEOPLE ONLY SMALLER!!! -> They dine upon the frosting and powdered sugar -> left over in Honey Bun and Gem Donut wrappers. Sometimes the bees get -> trapped in the trash bags when they are taken to the dumpster, much like -> being trapped and left to die in a grocery store. -> -> Once I found a Sprite bottle in the open courtyard, and upon closer -> inspection I found it to contain about four bees, busily harvesting the -> remaining bits of Sprite. I had my Mavica with me that day. [This link -> won't work until my Sito page is updated.] Waah! He lied, the link works! Now I can see three beautiful photos of bees walking around inside a Sprite bottle. Good thing the bees didn't get into something with caffeine or they'd turn from bumblebees into KILLER VIBRO-BEES that don't just buzz, they squeal. Unlike regular bees, it's impossible for caffeinated bees to NOT fly! -> Yesterday we had flash floods all night and into this morning. I still had -> to go to school. -> -> When fire ants get flooded out of their nest, they try to salvage -> everything, including the queen and all the eggs and larvae. To do this, -> they make boats. Out of living ants, the least popular ones at the bottom. -> -> They're amazing, but the ones I saw today were urban-sized. The ones by -> the sides of streets in the boondocks are bigger, some measuring more than -> six inches across. -> -> The ants salvage what they can by floating the boat to somewhere dry, like -> a sidewalk or a street, and unloading all the eggs and larvae and the -> queen. Remember, the boats are 100% ants. Today I took pictures of the -> ants. [This link won't work either, until my Sito page is updated.] I looked and looked at the great pictures of ants walking all over each other while drowning, and tried to pick out which ants were the cool ones and which ants were Lee Bumgarner, but I couldn't see the Lee Bumgarner ant anywhere because my ants were on top of him. I am so cool that I am several ants. Hat off for Tim Silverman to showing us that THE A.R.K OF ANTS is a metaphor for life in a newsgroup filled with tiny, posionous critters! -- K. I was going to say some more about his swell Web site but I want to go home because it smells like pesticide in here. I mean in my office, not in A.R.K. Remind me to buy some pesticide for A.R.K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.games.total-annihil,alt.religion.louis-nick,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cavedog Sells Out TA:K? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 06:42:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > http://www.nationalgamereview.com/98.11.2/pocky.html > > Quoting: "National Game Review has uncovered that the Glico Snack company > of Japan has used its considerable influence to convince Cavedog to do a > total conversion of their forthcoming title, Total Annihilation: > Kingdoms, for release exclusively on the Japanese market. The game will > feature the same gameplay as the original title, with the main difference > in the replacement of Earth, Fire, Air and Water factions being replaced > by different flavors of Glico's popular Pocky Supersnack." > > SOMEBODY SEND ME A COPY A.S.A.P.! Oh God, yes. Please send me TEN copies immediately. Although I would prefer Meiji Pretz-based games to Glico Pocky-based games. However, one point in Pocky's favor is that it comes in a Pocky FOR MEN flavor, besides the usual Giant Pocky and so on. (But Pretz comes in Tomato Pretz flavor, and nothing is funner than having the same snack available in your choice of candy OR vegetable flavor.) This game could be a bazillion times better than "Chex Quest", which was Doom with crummy AMERICAN cereal graphics pasted in, not even a tenth as psychotic as Japanese snack foods shooting at you could be. I mean, a talking, scowling piece of Bran Chex with a laser cannon is so much less weird than everyday life in Japan. Hey, I just realized that I've been missing the lost episodes of "Sailor Moon" on The Cartoon Network. HOORAY!!! Anyway, please send me ten copies of the Pocky version of Total Annihlation. -- Pocky, The Mousebeaver* * Matt McIrvin will explain, just to punish him by making him think about Forrest Ackerman and Perry Rhodan. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.psychology.misc,soc.history.science,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Comparing the character of Edison and Einstein; research thesis Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 02:18:03 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp In sci.physics, sci.psychology.misc, and soc.history.science, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I debated on whether to post to sci.engr but usually the replies from > that newsgroup are substandard. For those of you just joining us, most of the replies to Archie's sci.engr posts are from Archie himself. And, of course, there are a few from other people, but he doesn't read those because they say he's an idiot. Hey, Archie, I wuv you. Also, you're an idiot. > I recently saw the film starring Mickey Rooney of YOUNG TOM EDISON, > 1940. It was a good film and now want to see the companion film with > Spencer Tracy of Edison the Man, also of 1940 vintage. Is it just my imagination, or does anyone else imagine that this sentence has perfectly captured the speech rhythms of a classroom of kindergartners performing the chant "SING AND FLOAT SING AND FLOAT WE CAN SING AND FLOAT IN OUR LITTLE BOAT"? Is anyone else imagining Archie standing at the top of a hill belting out the above sentences while madly flapping his arms up and down while dogs stare at him wishing they knew how to giggle? > They made some good films in 1940. And I was so interested that I looked > up Edison on the web search engines. But to my chagrin, never a single > mention of the name Tesla. Quick, someone put up some Web pornography about Tesla to make him happy. > There was the story (whether true or not) of how Edison > got the idea of a filament on a fishing trip in Wyoming and the carbon > ash enduring in the fire. But I stray. You shouldn't let your mind wander. It is too little to be out alone. > What I am after is another curiosity. > > In the history of science we see two major battles in the recent > history. We see the battle between Edison and Tesla and we see the > battle between Einstein and the Copenhagen Quantum Physicists, mostly > Bohr. We know that Tesla won and Bohr won. Good thing, too, otherwise evil old Einstein and Hitler would have CONQUERED THE WORLD with their MUSTACHE RAY!!! > I am more familar with the Einstein-Bohr battles than the > Edison-Tesla battles. The question I have is what in personality or > character did Einstein and Edison have that made them --so blind-- to > the opposing camp. To be a good scientist, I believe, one must stand on > one side of a battle, but also, to be able to give up or switch sides. Wasn't that a "Seinfeld" episode, where Elaine tried to get a great scientist to "switch sides" but he still didn't like girls? > [...blather elided...] > > One similarity that is obvious. Both Edison and Einstein were older > men when they started to run into their nemesis. > > This subject would make a nice psychology or history of science > research. And I am interested in it also, for one of these days I will > hit or drive into my nemesis and unable to get out of it, as Edison or > Einstein, but fall deeper into it and fighting all the way down. Maybe at that time you can start forging posts from them and cross-posting made-up "FAQ"s all over the science newsgroups and start losing inept pro se lawsuits against your employer, which is a kitchen. (Did Einstein do that, or did Tesla? I don't remember Einstein working as a dishwasher, but I do recall him posting some crackpot theories about "Time Has Inertia" to sci.physics fifty or sixty years ago.) > Perhaps it has something to do with God, having favored us, is going to > take half of it away. Let's hope it's the top half. -- K. Also, each half of you is an idiot. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Continued Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 08:07:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) scribbled [and I quote in full, with my annotations]: > > ay> announcement. You misspelled "ay> sit on it, nerd ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > 25 # 150 Q 1 6 > 26 # 156 > 27 # 159 > 28 # //??????// 165 > 29 # // LULL // 168 2 13.4 > 30 # ???????????????????/ 163 > 1 # 163 > 2 # 152 Q > 3 # 153 Q > 4 # 148 > ======================================================================= Man, playing Yar's Revenge on a 110-baud teletype just isn't as much fun as it should be. > the ficcle finger of fate seamed to present itself yous misspelled "pickled pinger of pate steamed to prevent itself". Dope this helps. > as the NEW QQ LOOK revision That's where you let BIFF eliminate all the double-zeroes, right? > had its first trial run prime time. Which reminds me to rerun > it > without the 14 day change and see what the old version looks > like??????? I'll lay ten-to-one odds that whatever the heck you're talking about, it involves a picture of a skinny guy holding up the waistband of his giant clown pants and saying "WOW! IT REALLY WORKS! MY RESULTS ARE NOT TYPICAL AND MAY VARY!" > 23 # 130 Q > 24 # 140 > 25 # 150 1 6 > 26 # 156 > 27 # 159 > 28 # 165 > 29 # 168Q 2 13.4 > 30 # 163 Q > 1 # 163 Q > 2 # 152 > 3 # 153 > 4 # 148 > :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::; Yes, that's much better. It eliminates the big ASCII golf club with Ramon Lully's autograph. Lully, you will recall, was best known in the Renaissance as Raimundus Lullus, best known for Ars Magna Lulli -- around 1300 A.D. he invented a system for coming up with all possible random permutations of a set of symbols to produce gibberish. Now YOU can draw the diagram to complete my reference to your diagram! > anyway? eithor way I look at it THIS "LULL" gets hit > So I am leaving in the new look QQ for a while anyway > & the change was 12 days not 14 so its back to delusionment > for some time on the "When applause" will be due question. > I'll retrench in January, and be alert in the next Jiggle. EVERYONE PLEASE STAY ALERT INSIDE THE JIGGLE. WATCH OUT, DON'T CONTRACT RETRENCH MOUTH WHILE MOVING YOUR FURNITURE INTO YOUR NEW JIGGLE. WILL THE LAST PERSON OUT OF THE JIGGLE PLEASE TURN OFF THE APPLAUSE SIGN? EVERYBODY, OUT OF THE POOL, BACK TO THE DELUSIONMENT! Whew, I'm glad I proofread this, the first time I typed that it was misspelled as "BACK TO THE DELUISONMENT", in which case we'd all have to climb inside Dom DeLuise. That would cause a bad kind of jiggle. > ____Line 38 of continued retraqctions December 5, 1998 6:56 A.M. You should watch your p's and q's. And c's. And j's. And e's. And r's. And f's. And b's and d's. And o's. And u's and v's and w's. And d's. And z's. And s's and "s's"'s. And a's. And e's. (But don't watch "A&E".) And g's. And h's. And i's. And k's. And l's. And m's and n's. And o's again. And t's. And x's and sometimes y's and z's except after c. Please do not ever use any of those letters again, and then people will stop making fun of the word-like salad you use. -- K. On The Manley Planet, the inhabitants communicate via an exchange of salad! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.food.taco-bell,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Critical information on Taco Shell thickness Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 04:41:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.food.taco-bell, J. Hartley (hartle39@idt.net) wrote: > > Is it true that Taco Bell is rethinking the > thicknessess of its standard taco shell, going > from 3 millimeters to 3.33 millimeters? How > will this affect issues of parity, shipping > and net profit per ounce? Well, in terms of the parity, I think they will still alternate between right-handed ones and antimatter ones. Be careful with the antimatter taco shells -- if they touch the regular shells, they could CRACK! In terms of shipping, I'm sure they'll just drop continue with their current method of dropping them into ordinary first-class envelopes and then using that hydraulic machine that rubber-stamps "FRAGILE - FRAGILE - FRAGILE" all over them with a huge piston. I think you had the numbers wrong, my sources tell me they're not changing the thickness to 3.33 millimeters, they're changing the length to 3.33 millimeters. -- K. I think we just found the missing link between Mike O and Don Saklad, only not evil. P.S. They can't even fill my "NO CHEESE" orders correctly more than half the time, yet they can vary the amount of corn by 0.03 millimeters, roughly the thickness of the human hairs on the average taco. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: DELURK NOW Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 06:26:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Dear Lurkers to alt.religion.kibology > > You are hereby ordered to post. > Use the handy space provided below. > You are ordered to say something witty. > > No pressure. > > Begin: Leah, you don't have the authority to do that, and even if you did, nobody on a.r.k would listen to you because you have a job working on CHILDREN'S software so it's obviously a WUSSY job. So what we need is either (a) someone who works on ADULT software, or better yet, because this is a family newsgroup, (b) me, the Officious Leader (voice dubbed by Patrick Macnee) who can issue a binding decree that all within the sound of my keyboard MUST OBEY AND LIKE IT. I HEREBY DECREE THAT EVERYONE SHOULD DE-LURK -- IN ALT.TV.KNIGHT-RIDER. Thank you very much. -- The King Of Pseudo-Science ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: DELURK NOW Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 06:33:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > You just reminded me of the shirt I bought from a street vendor in > Taiwan. It was white with green sleeves (ooh! How inadvertently > H-massy!) and had the words: > > SAVE THE > ARTH That's my favorite song from any Odzilla movie. > in black 4032-point Impact narrow lettering, fully justified. Northing justifies using Impact. Except the "Wonder Woman" title sequence. And that was the mid-seventies, when nearly every year was the Bicentennial, so it was a special crazy time where all sorts of stupidity seemed okay. > I destroyed it the first time I washed it by putting it in the > cardboard "My First Washing Machine (tm)" that sat out on the tile > balcony outside my flat, because the green dye they used was a > combination of Mountain Dew and file' powder. Powdered fillay? Is that the secret ingredient that turns boring old fillay minyon into fillay shaved steak? That and an electric razor? > [...] the washing machine really did weigh about 4 pounds, and was > powered by pressure from a garden hose. Now that's a phrase that would be right at home on CNN Headline News. "Today, powered by pressure from a garden hose, Congress passed a resolution..." That's the whole thing, they'd just stop when they got to the "dot dot dot" part because it takes too long to say "dot dot dot" after every half a sentence. -- K. What's the Taiwanese equivalent of those playground balls that say "MOISTEN NEEDLE BEFORE INFLATING TAIWAN"? And has anyone there ever invented a combination playground ball inflation and acupuncture needle? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.materials,sci.engr,soc.history,sci.optics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: designing the world's most beautiful architectural building Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 06:13:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.materials, sci.engr, soc.history, and sci.optics, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) replied to himself: > > Now, I do not know of a way of making a gold-leaf that is pure white. > I do not mean silver color for I classify them as not even colors of > the rainbow or color spectrum but metallic. > > And I classify three types of colors > > Spectrum colors-- these are the normal colors we see As opposed to the ones Archimedes Plutonium hears. > Metallic colors-- metals with their reflection of photons. To say > that silver is white is stretching it, in my judgement. To say that > gold is yellow is also stretching it. And remember, photons don't bounce off white rocks. > And the Luminescent or phosphorescent colors. These are radioactivity > colors. Quick, let's lock Archie in a Day-Glo orange room until he dies from all the imaginary gamma rays! > Now with those three classifications of colors, I am wanting to make > this most beautiful building with that of Metallic colors. For the red > and blue there is no problem in getting a gold leaf that is reddish or > bluish, just find the alloy of gold to get those metallic colors. > However, here is the problem. Can I get a pure white, an opaque type of > white, not the so-called white of silver but the titanium white found > in white paints, opaque paints. IS there a alloy for gold such that it > looks like the house paint that is a pure white? Question for the > sci.materials folks and sci.optics. I... see. So your special building has to be made out of one of the world's heaviest, most expensive, and especially SOFTEST metals, but only if you can make it look like K-Mart flat white latex paint. Have you considered instead making the building out of something cheap and painting it gold? > There is the possibility also of using Luminescent colore in this > building or fluorescent or phosphorescent such that at nights it shines > by itself. But then it would never be night. And then the building would never shine. > At this moment of writing I believe the color scheme for the world's > most beautiful building is that of two colors. A white with a tint of > blue for the walls and roof. A gold (perhaps silver is better, but need > a computer simulation to verify) for the column facades. I didn't know you could simulate gold with ASCII art. > And a gold for the 5 pairs of spires. The best imagination of heaven > is a place that is clean, warm, and bright. And made out of gold that doesn't shine, sparkle, or look gold. > White and gold are the two colors that achieve cleanliness, warmth, > and brightness. Except in China, where white is the color of death. Do you still wear only white shirts? I hope? > If both of my buildings are constructed. The Godly one and the US > Patriotic one, it would be hard to tell which is the most beautiful. I > would vote on the Godly one. You're right, it is hard to tell which of your two imaginary buildings made out of solid gold is the most beautiful. > And it is surprizing that in the 20th > century no-one has set out to build this most beautiful building. Frankly, I would be more surprised if some architect had said "Now I'm going to build exactly what an insane guy named Archimedes Plutonium will construct from magic gold and ASCII art in the near future!" > Generally when the materials and technology for a great new building > are available that it is built. But the use of strong lightweight metal > frame or carbon fiber and glass/plastic gold leaf (Royal Bank of Canada > in Toronto) have not materialized in the world's newest and most > beautiful building. Perhaps the World Wars of this century have stopped > or slowed humanities building of great new buildings. And I think > religions are on the decline and that their money has declined also. So > we have to wait for governments or businesses to build this most > beautiful building. Trouble here is that the world's most beautiful > building as I have designed so far costs 1-2 billion dollars. Is that counting the special magic bleach to turn the gold into chalk, and the crane to hold up the narrow, mile-high spires made from one of the droopiest metals? > Not too many are going to qualify for such a artwork. THIS proves that you're SO SPECIAL! > > /\/\ > |||| > /\/\/\/\ > /\/\/\/\ > |||||||| > |||||||| > |||||||| > |||||||| > /-------------------------------------/\ > / / \ > / / > / / > |--------------------------------------| > |--------------------------------------| > || || || || || || || || || || || || || > || || || || || || || || || || || || || > || || || || || || || || || || || || || > || || || || || || || || || || || || || > || || || || || || || || || || || || || > Is that three-point perspective or does it really look like that? How come half of it's missing? How come you think we don't need doors or windows? Before building this, have you considered maybe drawing a floor plan, or at least putting a scale on your little doodle? -- K. Plutonium-Inspired Funkadelic Rock Band Name #10: "Three-Legged Doodle The Hut" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: designing the world's most beautiful architectural building Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 05:36:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Bob Mellish (bob@knot.demon.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > [...] or at least putting a scale on your little doodle? > > I Have No Joke Here, I Just Like Saying "put a scale on your little doodle". Isn't this where Hillary Clinton walks past with a briefcase of cash balanced on top of her head and she says to Baby Macauley Culkin, "Honey, you've got to doodle smaller 'cause the paper's so big!" and then there's a wacky "BOING!!!" sound followed by a really say "BOING!!!"? Or hasn't The Special Show become real yet? -- K. I just wish they'd cancel The Boring Show. Or at last stop pretending Gillian Anderson is an actress. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dodgeball vice bonfire Re: Edu theory: continuous assessing goals; Corollary: asking whether there is a better way Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1998 05:33:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Rod" (rod66@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Any kind of ball (as long as it isn't too hard) can be used. > > I remember the balls in question being burgundy-colored Voight or AMF > playground balls, inflated to 600,000,000,000 pounds of pressure (or > approx. 200 on the Mohs scale) and covered with tiny sharp ridges. When > they hit people, they rang like bells. HAY MATT Y0U"RE HEAD JUST RAND LIEK A BELL !!!!1 ALS0 Y0U"RE FEET SMELL LIEK A Z0ETR0PE !!!!!!!!!!!1 I confess, I made this post just so I could be the first to put the word "zoetrope" into BIFF's mouth. > My mother recently told me that she liked dodgeball because it required > no physical coordination, just a total absence of fear. That's sex with Madonna. Dodgeball is the one which requires a face large enough to get hit by a ball thrown by the kid who hates you the most, a pair of glasses made out of a safe material which shatters only when hit, and all the balls in the world being on the other side of the line from you. Also dodgeball's the only sport where the scaredy little wusses get to play longer than anyone else, as long as they curl up into a fetal position in one of the far corners where they're hard to hit. Valuable life skill. At least, it's as valuable as having sex with Madonna. -- K. What ever happened to her? Has her daughter married Michael Jackson's son yet? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.writing.screenplays,rec.arts.theatre.plays,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: El Pachuko, Edward James Olmos Will Be My "Dracula"! Who Here Knows Him, Or His Agant? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 08:58:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.writing.screenplays and rec.arts.theatre, jervis_dedalus@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > He-he-he-heeeeeeee. Wait till you see the rest of it. Just you wait and see. > Did you think "The Mask" and "Zoot Suit" were hip, cool and crazy? Whether > this happens on stage or screen, the world will never be the same once it has > seen "Dracula 1999". I think if you can't get the elegant Mr. Olmos to star in your forthcoming classic "Dracula: 1999", you should go for Martin Landau, Barbara Bain, Barry Morse, and Catherine Schell. Oh, and let's not forget Nick Tate. He used to have his own fan club and an Australian accent. > Just you wait. But I can't wait until 1999! I wanna see this movie nowwwww! -- K. You mean the 3-D version of "The Mask" that was on Elvira's show, right? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Freedom of Speech vs. Freedom to Lawsuit Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 04:34:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I am thinking of lawsuiting an ISP, an Internet Service Provider. First > question. Will it take place in the Federal Court system? And if so, > will it take place in the federal court nearest the ISP? Or, hopefully, > will it take place in the nearest federal court where I reside? I have a completely unrelated question. If a crazy person files a nutty lawsuit against you, what motion do you make to have him hauled away and pumped full of special drugs that make him less crazy, or does this just count as a "gimmie" where it's so obvious that it just happens automatically? Also, if you have to make a special motion to have the crazy guy committed, how many seconds into the trial do you have to wait to shout it out, and can anyone in the audience do it? Should they all shout it together, or should the go in sequence? -- K. Did Archie just claim that he resides in a federal court? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Froggy's Kibology Page Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 09:29:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Syadoz" (meanmeso@roanoke.infi.net) wrote: > > dear Jaffo: > > You must have a really high IQ plus ESP. But my IQ plus ESP is even higher. My IQ plus ESP totals 1700 and that's before adding in my 2400 on the Chemistry SAT! That makes me a DOUBLE GENIUS! and Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > Uhh, in my ultimate retardation, I misspelled "offer." WAAH! I'M A DOUBLE GENIUS BUT YOU HAVE ULTIMATE SOMETHING SO THAT MAKES YOU BETTER THAN ME EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT A RETARD LIKE YOU!!! -- K. People who aren't retards can be so cruel. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I demand more weirdness from my job!! !! !! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 07:41:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lots42", who misspelled their E-mail address (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > The only thing weird in today's workday was the manager sticking her head > through the crate holder. Was this before or after she stuck your head in the deep fryer for laughing at her, and was it before or after Rutger Hauer stuck his head through your bathroom tile wall and shouted "HI, GUY!!!!"? -- K. Chuck McCann's "Far Out Blade Nutter" could beat up Philip K. Dick's "Electra-Ant & Homeostatic Girl" any day. P.S. If I were your manager, your job would be so weird you'd quit in tears and go permanently insane, and you'd be so insane that then you'd WANT to work in a fast food restaurant, not to mention eat at one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT: Wed. TV Interview Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 02:49:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > So I recieve mail today from our PR department with the above subject > line. * > > All day long the thing has been staring at me from my in-box. It > keeps yelling "IMPORTANT! WEBTV INTERVIEW!" and then, for whatever > reason, it always adds "DUH! A-HYUCK!" on to the end. Then it pushes you out of your chair just to get you in trouble with your boss, Mr. Peebles. > THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. > I hate you. But I am exactly like you. The Enterprise is a beautiful lady who smells bad! Spock, be one with the horse! > *It's not as important as it sounds, btw. Trust. How important could anything from the public-relations department of a company that makes video games for BABIES be? I mean, the hardest they'd have to work on a product announcement is just a hand puppet yelling "HEY KIDS! BUY HUMONGOUS BRAND PRODUCTS AND WE'LL GIVE YOU CANDY!" -- K. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY OUR PRODUCTS, NOBODY WILL GIVE YOU CANDY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Interactive TV Poised To Begin Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 09:50:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Wink. WebTV. They are companies whose names > carry a suggestion of enticement, even entrapment. I would have to say that this is the single greatest sentence ever written about WebTV, and certainly greater than the sum total of all sentences written WITH a WebTV. > But all they want to do, they say, is bring you and your > television set closer. EVIL! EVIL! YOU'LL GO BLIND! AND SPOIL YOUR DINNER! AND IT WILL FREEZE THAT WAY! WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO, PLAY VIDEO GAMES FOR A LIVING? > Make the two of you a little less remote by > making your remote control -- with the help of cutting-edge > technology and cash -- do more. Or, making your cash -- with the help of the remote control -- do less. > The key is interactivity, a television advance that has been > touted for several years Several? Gee, weren't all those "Interactive TV is coming NEXT YEAR!" bits of tele-news flackery about things like QUBE around circa 1980? They've kind of petered out lately because now we have the Internet, so we don't give a damn if our TV sets come with telephone keypads. We have REAL computers. Unless we have WebTVs. > and which promoters claim is finally > poised to begin mass distribution in 1999. From Nuclear Waste Disposal Area One of Moonbase Alpha on September 13, 1999? > They're ready to make the leap, but are customers ready to jump > with them? Yes, say those who have invested millions of dollars in > turning TV sets into two-way communications centers that offer > information, movies on demand and other services. > Maybe, maybe not, say others. > One optimist is Tom Oliver, chairman and chief executive officer > of Interactive Channel, designed to allow access to pay-per-view > programs, the Internet and even local tidbits including weather > forecasts and real estate listings. > The company has deals with partners including Court TV to > develop online content that complements TV programs by giving > viewers the chance to watch a program and then seek out related > information on the Net. IF THEY'LL WATCH COURT TV WE'RE SURE THEY'LL BUY OUR INTERACTIVE TV SETS AND DO WHATEVER ELSE WE TELL THEM!!! > The city-specific content, dubbed LocalSource Television, will > bow next year on cable systems in Rockford, Ill., and Columbus, > Ohio. Remember, in the theatre, you bow _after_ the excellent performance, and on TV, you bow _before_ the lousy performance. > Simplicity is what will make his service attractive to > consumers, Oliver said, adding that it is a little grandiose to > call it the television of tomorrow. IT'S ACTUALLY THE TELEVISION OF THE YEAR 2000!!! Is it just me or was it obvious to everyone else that changing "20th Century Fox" to "Fox 2000" was something that could only make the name seem even less au courant? > ``It's the television of today; we're just adding some things,'' > he said. ``It's about enhanced television. It's about more > viewable, more pleasurable television.'' IT WILL MAKE "WHO'S THE BOSS?" RERUNS HAVE AN EVEN MORE TALENTED TONY DANZA PERFORMANCE! > Which, not surprisingly, can come with a price tag: Interactive > Channel was made available to 1,000 customers in Colorado Springs, > Colo., to sample for $6.95 a month. > For many interactive services, an access fee could be just the > start of a sizable monthly tab as a viewer takes advantage of > expanded show-buying choices, shopping and other costly diversions. > What ``interactivity'' actually means varies widely from company > to company as do, undoubtedly, the chances for acceptance. The > range of applications was on view this month at the Western Show, > an annual Southern California cable television convention. > Consumers in test or limited markets already have firsthand > experience with this new breed of television viewing. > Some services require a digital cable signal and set-top box, > while others can be used with existing analog systems (all TV > stations are required by the government to go digital before 2006). > Some are intended to make the TV a rival to the personal computer > modem; others take a different approach. > Wink, for instance, allows viewers to summon additional sports > statistics on ESPN, shop for compact discs on MTV or scan the > headlines on CNN. IT'S JUST LIKE HAVING YOUR COMPUTER'S MONITOR DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOUR TV! ONLY ALL THE LETTERS JUMP UP AND DOWN THIRTY TIMES A SECOND! > More than a dozen networks have signed up to > provide Wink-enabled programming. Advertisers have come aboard, > too, including Levi's and AT&T. IT'S GOT COMMERCIALS IN IT SO YOU KNOW IT MUST BE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO PAY TO RECEIVE! > A viewer can order samples, request information or otherwise > boss the TV around by clicking the remote control on an ``I'' -- for > interactive -- in the corner of the TV screen. So the Independent Film Channel and the International Channel have been interactive for years and nobody told me? > Wink does not, however, promise true Internet access. (HERE COME THE 77 DANCING BEARS PLAYING KAZOOS!) Hey, didn't there used to be a way to get True Internet Access through a TV set with a thing called a Commodore 64? I had an Atari 1040ST hooked up to my TV set which was awesome because it was the only computer designed to do taxes. > Free to consumers, Wink is in 100,000 households in Tennessee, > Florida and Missouri. The company expects to have more than 1 > million subscribers in 1999, said Allan Thygesen, Wink's vice > president of programming and advertising. > ``We keep the video primary. Wink requires one, two or three > remote buttons (for interactivity); people get what they want and > get back to watching television,'' Thygesen said. In the future, you won't just watch TV. You'll designate TV as primary. You will visually input sitdata comexe streams with your primitive Earth electrovizor. > Technology mogul Paul Allen, co-founder with Bill Gates of > Microsoft Corp., has demonstrated his faith in the concept. Allen > made a $10 million investment in Wink this month through his Vulcan > Ventures. Yeah, slap a Spock sticker on the box, that'll class it up real good. > Microsoft itself owns pioneering WebTV, which showcased advances > to its television-Internet pairing at the Western Show. The updated > system, available next year, allows a TV image to remain on the > screen while Internet data also is displayed. IT'S LIKE HAVING YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR NEXT TO YOUR TV!!! BUT IT STILL JUMPS UP AND DOWN 30 TIMES A SECOND!!! AND BOTH SCREENS ARE HALF SIZE!!! YAY!!! > A viewer might keep an eye on the Emmy Awards while retrieving > ``real-time'' information linked to the show, such as a clip of a > winning performance or the chance to take part in a related poll. COOL! I CAN PUSH A BUTTON ONCE A YEAR! > MoreCom, a system that also allows simultaneous TV and Internet > viewing and use, is betting that the world is eager for such > innovation. > Does that potential audience include viewers long accustomed to > a ane-way relationship with their TV sets? Or are younger > technophiles the more likely users? > ``My 9-year-old son's been on computers since he was 4. I know > he's going to expect more out of this TV box than I ever did,'' > responds MoreCom executive John Walber. ``But if it's easy, > everybody will do it.'' BUT WATCHING TV IS EASY AND NOT EVERYBODY DOES IT! I KNOW BECAUSE ALL THOSE BRAINY MOVIE STARS SAY THEY NEVER EVER WATCH TV! > Not so fast, says Harold Vogel, an independent industry analyst, > who predicts a tough road ahead for video interactivity. > He quotes a famous comment by Apple Computer co-founder Steve > Jobs: ``When you want to turn your mind on, you go to your > computer. When you want to turn your mind off, you go to your > television.'' And when you want to turn your mojo on, you go to the Internet. > Vogel added: ``It's going to take a lot of easy access and very > appealing types of programming in order to get people to change > they way they interact with the TV set and the amount of time and > money they spend on it.'' It won't catch on until they come up with a way of getting on the Internet for people too clueless to be able to SET THE FRIGGIN' CLOCK on their VCRs. It's a CLOCK, people. Like the one in your living room and like your wristwatch. Only because it's bigger than a wristwatch the buttons are actually labelled. And they have on-screen menus that say things like: TO SET THE TIME PUSH THE "SET TIME" BUTTON SHAPED LIKE A GUY SETTING THE TIME YOU HAVE PUSHED "SET TIME". THANK YOU. NOW LET'S SET THE TIME! TYPE IN THE TIME HERE (USE THE NUMBER KEYS): _ _ : _ _ NOW IF THE TIME IS A.M. (THAT MEANS IN THE MORNING) PUSH THE "A.M." BUTTON WHICH IS SHAPED LIKE A CUP OF COFFEE. IF THE TIME IS P.M. (THAT MEANS NOT A.M.) PUSH THE "P.M." BUTTON WHICH IS SHAPED LIKE WINSTON CHURCHILL. YOUR CLOCK IS NOW SET. THE NUMBERS WILL CHANGE ABOUT ONCE A MINUTE. THIS IS NORMAL. -- K. alt.religion.kibology, the newsgroup that blinks 6:66 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kibo's ^H-mas present Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 01:42:22 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Chris McGonnell (smeagol@key-net.net) wrote: > > So what *unique* gift should Kibo give us for ^H-mas? That Barney tape where you send them a photo and forty dollars and they paste your little kid's head onto the body of the little kid in the Barney adventure cartoon only use my head and not some stupid kid's. > And what should he give Archie Pu (besides a btaae that works) You misspelled "bnare". Hope this whelps, Broome Sherwood. [HA! HA! I JUST WENT BEYOND THE *SQUARE* OF THE McIRVIN LIMIT! I will give a bootleg of the Barney tape Chris is sending me to whoever is the first and only person to figure out all the antecendents. Including the ones I haven't mentioned yet. Excuse me, gotta go do the double loopless loop-the-loop. DANIEL PINKWATER IS NOT INVOLVED.] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Leah's New Page Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 02:52:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Alex Suter (asuter@leland.Staford.EDU) wrote: > > [no context is given here because what he said SHOULD be context-free] > > I object to this harsh treatment of our nation's waffles. I would just like to point out that my computer displayed that as "harsh treatment of our neutron waffles". THEY MELT THE BUTTER BUT LEAVE MRS. BUTTERWORTH STANDING!!! -- K. Does the national organism eat national waffles, or vice versa? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.online-service.webtv,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Looking for remote control replacement(Synapze) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 06:57:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.online-service.webtv, Temple (Temple_@webtv.net) wrote: > > Synapze, you are worng...It does reprogram the keyboard.. > My keyboard was printing number's as--> he6lo h33 yo8 5oday<-- I called > Phillips Magnavox ( not webtv) and asked what to do. I did as told, and > as you can see, my problem was fixed. I have told others, and it also > worked for them. K3WL !!!1 PL3AS3 T3LL M3 H0W 2 D0 THAT INTRIC8 TRICK 2 MY K3Y-B0R3D 2 SAV3 M3 HAV3ING 2 TYP3 NUMB3RS 4 L3TT3RZ !!!!11 L8R K3WL D0o0O0oDZ !!!!!!!111 -- WEBB T. VIFF ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Neologism Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 04:18:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor E Teflon Piano (rgriffiths@ubmail.ubalt.edu) wrote: > > The term for that strike-thru joke is: Carrot Aitch. You're going to make me start the "Muppet Crotch" meme all over now, aren't you? WAAH! YOU MADE ME REWIND A MEME BEFORE WE HAD WATCHED IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH! IT'LL WEAR OUT THE SPROCKETS IN THE CROTCH! -- ^K ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,rec.bicycles.misc,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: NET KOOK WARNING (WAS: Re: Slowing down by age 48; bicycle endurance; riding in NH) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 5 Dec 1998 10:38:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology,rec.bicycles.misc In sci.med and rec.bicycles.misc, Glenn Dowdy (glenn_dowdy@hp.com) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium wrote: > > > > [a whole lot of insane drivel]. > > Archi Pluto is a well-known net kook. Refer to dejanews in > alt.religion.kibology for an established history of AP posting his > stream of unconsciousness ramblings. Oh, come on, I'm sure alt.religion.kibology doesn't have any kooks on it. Well, okay, maybe there's me. And those thousands of other people. But Archie hasn't posted to alt.religion.kibology since early 1995, when he started to catch on that the rude people there had been -- gasp -- POSSIBLY MOCKING HIS IMPORTANT THEORY THAT THE UNIVERSE IS A GIANT PLUTONIUM ATOM. As evidence that the Universe is a plutonium atom, he has submitted the fact that he has cravings for grated coconut. Also, he has invented electric velcro, he thinks all continents are triangular and Britain is a peninsula, he knows that the value of pi changes in different parts of the world, he wants to "soft-land" the Moon in the ocean, he eats mainly candy, and his earliest memory (on page one of his 400-page autobiography) is of eating his own poop. I swear on a stack of Holy Plutonium Bibles that I am not making any of this up. Oh, and I almost forgot: He is "The King Of Science And Logic", according to him, and why wouldn't we believe The King Of Science And Logic? (He also likes to post under other people's names, and edit the text of postings he replies to, but presumably that is the prerogative of The King Of Science And Logic.) He also tends to post enormous collections of prior rants (some articles topped 10,000 lines) over and over because he likes seeing his posts broken into hundreds of segments in DejaNews. Dartmouth's postmaster is widely believed to discard any complaint mail containing the words "Archimedes" or "Plutonium". Alas, no recordings exist of him singing his "Plutonium Hymns", which are pastiches of classical hymns with devastatingly wacky scansion, such as "It's Got The Whole Observable Universe In Its 94th Electron." Other contributions to the world of science include the naming of the next hundred elements to be discovered, as well as their imaginary isotopes (my favorites: "asparagusium", "citrushaddockium", and the ultimate element, "plutoniumium".) His current project is to redesign the campus of Dartmouth college to have spires shaped like praying hands. Note that his god is a single atom of Plutonium bigger than Godzilla plus Fat Albert, an atom so big it contains the entire Universe within its "last electron" (I think he thinks they're numbered) but also he is a "super-genius" (his term, which I think he learned from a Wile E. Coyote cartoon) because his head has an atom of plutonium at its center, while we normal folk have carbon atoms at the center of our brains. You can catch Archimedes Plutonium posting his wacky rants all over the science newsgroups (especially sci.edu, sci.econ, sci.math, sci.physics, sci.astro, sci.psychology.misc, sci.chem, and sci.physics.fusion). If you look in alt.religion.kibology you'll just find a lot of other wackos who only WISH they were half as crazy as good old Archie. Archie has been around on the Internet since 1993 (back when he was "Ludwig Plutonium"); in "real life" he served in the Navy (before being, in his terminology, "fired") and now is employed as a dishwasher on the campus of Dartmouth College (which he has renamed Plutonium College.) He claims his occupation is a high financier on the stock market and has claimed that he owns a private island (and only took the dishwasher job at Dartmouth because that was the only way he could get Internet access.) Don't cross him or he'll declare that you will not be revived through biotechnology 2000 years in the future after he resurrects himself. (Again, not making up.) -- K. Who would WANT to make up Archimedes Plutonium? I'd rather invent something as sensible as electric velcro. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Odd urban public library responses from city of Boston Public Library departments' 30 year veterans. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 07:06:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology, Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote something which made everyone wonder whether he was being wacky or whether he was still stalking librarians on general principles: > > 11. Here is our library mission statement, sir! Why do > you ask so many questions? Unbidden horrific mental image: DON SAKLAD: (nasal Don Adams voice) Gee, Mister Whoopee, who is it that asks no questions but gets many answers? MR. WHOOPEE: (sketching on his 3-D blackboard) Why, that's easy, m'boy... a doorbell! WE WILL RETURN TO "TENNESSEE SAKLAD" RIGHT AFTER THIS PUBLIC-SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FEATURING DAVEY & GOLIATH HERE ON THE CHEAPO KIDS' CHANNEL. > 10. Ask at the .... department (on another floor in another > building). We will telephone ahead and > warn^H^H^H^Huh er let them know you are on the way. DEAR DON SAKLAD, PLEASE GO TO THE "DOT DOT DOT DOT" DEPARTMENT. IT IS ON THE ANOTHER FLOOR IN THE ANOTHER BUILDING. WHEN YOU GET THERE, PRESS THE ANY KEY. > 9. This the reference desk, sir! Why ask me? I will wager Don Saklad has asked every single person in the library where the reference desk is. > 8. Noone ever asked that. And you're not allowed to know which questions have and haven't been asked because nobody has ever asked that either. So there. > 7. Sorry... We keep our frequently asked questions > behind the desk in a file other people are not > allowed to see. It would be funnier if you had said that their FAQ consisted entirely of answers along the lines of "Nobody has ever asked that." > 6. We are ready to help everyone who is not Don. > We are estexpecially ready for Kibo! Kibo is estexpeciallidocious, though Don's quite vomitrocious... (Kibo continues to sing while flying around the room holding an umbrella and forcing medicine into little kids' mouths, while Dick Van Dyke, as Don Van Saklad, sings in an outrageously bad Cockney acent.) > 5. There will be a wait while we gossip about the > library user who just was here ahead of you... > Now then, how can we help you? He DOESN'T want to hear library reference-desk gossip? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE REAL DON SAKLAD? > 4. Which of you folks in the reading room wanted > information about abortion, acquired > immundeficiency syndrome, or sexual practices? (Gilbert Gottfried yells from loudspeaker mounted above every chair:) "DON SAKLAD, PLEASE COME TO THE REFERENCE DESK, WE FOUND THE INFORMATION YOU WANTED ABOUT HOW TO MAKE FEMALE 'STAR TREK' UNIFORMS IN MEN'S SIZES." > 3. Are you a celebrity? Our more enhanced service and > a special reading room is available. We celebrities get the best treatment. In *our* reading room, we have the books read to us! Us major celebrities get our choice of various minor celebrities to read the books aloud, although sometimes when I show up late all the James Earl Joneses and Phil Hartmans are taken and I get stuck with Gilbert Gottfried, or worse, Keanu Reeves. In the latter case, I have to let him read picture books to me. > 2. We are busy and do not have time to respond. User > surveys and suggestion boxes are available in the > lobby. "PLUMBER TO THE LOBBY TO UNCLOG FIVE THOUSAND 'HAVE FEWER SUGGESTION BOXES' SLIPS FROM THE SUGGESTION BOX LOCATED NEAR DON SAKLAD." > 1. Our city library board does not want to be contacted > with your concerns. Please do not bother them. So which librarian told you that alt.religion.kibology needed to be told the Boston Public Library needed fewer suggestion boxes? Do other libraries have fewer suggestion boxes? Are systems in place to prevent people who enjoy libraries from writing negative suggestions in the suggestion boxes? Why was my suggestion about uncovering the true secret of the Boston Public Library's sanitation budget not answered when I deposited it nearly five minutes ago? Why does the suggestion box not give me suggestions? Has Don Saklad considered hanging around Dartmouth's Kiewit library? -- K. Believe me, I've considered him hanging around there. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tv.teletubbies,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Part-time teletubbies auction moderator job, starts tomorrow? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 6 Dec 1998 09:45:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.tv.teletubbies, Ruth Robinson (recruit@qxl.com) wrote: > > If you're a real enthusiast for teletubbies and you live anywhere in > Europe, here's an opportunity that may interest you. > [...] > We're looking for a true specialist and expert in teletubbies, who's > Internet-savvy enough to be able to help run online auctions in the area. I would suggest Archimedes Plutonium, but he doesn't live in Europe. Do you pay relocation expenses? -- K. He'd probably be willing to go by bicycle, too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.bicycles.tech,sci.engr,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Patent for a new type of derailleur; 4DEC99 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 08:18:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In rec.bicycles.tech and sci.engr, sane person Patrick Hansmeier (patrick@ds.e-technik.uni-dortmund.de) wrote: > > Hello, > > Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Archimedes Plutonium) wrote: > > > > [...] > > Is there a maleficent, unholy force that draws its energy from replies > (alas, like this one) to postings like these? Seems to happen on > Usenet all day long. Yes, at least if you believe Archie -- he has some theory that I receive an envelope of money from somewhere every time someone makes fun of his theory that the Universe is a giant atom that makes his brain enjoy coconut. So please keep making fun of his theory that the Universe is a giant atom that makes his brain enjoy coconut. (Hey, I think it would be worth it to do that experiment because if thousands of dollars arrive in my mailbox, it would prove that Archie is sane. On the other hand, if nobody pays me when people make fun of him, then obviously he's just a bozo who should be made fun of.) Also, I applaud you for summarizing in the most cogent manner his post about how he has just invented antique-style old-fashioned bicycle gear shifts. (Although I am unsure that he deserves three full dots -- I think maybe he should only have been given "[..]" or "[;]".) > SCNR, > Patrick Science Causes Nerdy Replies? -- K. I can make nerdy replies without using science. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Photo Gallery: nature, flowers, animals, erotics, crashes. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 6 Dec 1998 08:29:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In agora.arti.photogallery, ale.sex.erotica.market.place, alt.airbrush.art, alt.art, and alt.art.bodypainting, "John" (r-galle@r-gallery.com) wrote: > > Photo Gallery: nature, flowers, animals, erotics, crashes. Wait, three of those are the same thing. > Just visit: http://www.r-gallery.com No time for that now, I'm considering the assassination of Bob Hope as an uphill Pinewood Derby! Also I think there's supposed to be something about a giant centipede peeling off its skin to turn into Roy Schieder while Michael Ironside makes somebody's head explode. (That was the BEST episode of NBC's "seaCrash DSV"!) -- K. [a pun about David Cronenberg playing pocket pool with J. G. Billiard was omitted for your health.] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: pocket monster Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 02:01:26 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Brian Eable (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > also, my United Nations Acronym Cryptanalysis buddies > have broken the code!!! here is the complete list of > acronym meanings that i didn't know before!!!: > > IYKWIM: I'm Kissing You With My Foot > \ > AITYD: And I'm Tickling Your Derriere > YHBT: You Have Been To The Toilet > YHL: You Haven't Washed Your Hands > (YHL is actually in french, that cute etienne > CHYK will explain the joke) You forgot the "HAND" part, which stands for "Please Hold Handle To Flash For Five Minutes Thak You". -- K. I followed the instructions on the sign and NOW I'M BLIND! WAAH!!! P.S. What does CHYK stand for? And what does UNIX stand for? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Question for KT Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 07:46:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leo Sgouros (lsgouro1@tampabay.rr.com) wrote: > > Is you-know-who practicing actual Kibo?Here in this very thingy? > I shudder to think{also the name of a VERY cool band} > > nervous Dear Leo, You may want to adjust to settings in your doohickey to make this thingy work correctly. Just twiddle the thingamajig until the wonky dingus makes the dunsel stop blinking the felgerkarb frammistan and anta odeli uta. -- K. Also, your last name looks like Dean Lenort fell into a vat of ROT-13. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Question for KT Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 01:34:03 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, your last name looks like Dean Lenort fell into a vat of ROT-13. > > Also, that last line in your post makes me think of Sherrif Joe > Arpaio working the cafeterias in prison, serving inmates trays full > of X's, R's and F's spooned out of a giant boiling vat of ROT-13. > > Someone call Chef Boyardee. I recall that The Book Of Lists #3 (now there's a book that they sold most copies of through airports -- I know 'cause I bought mine there) had a list of the letter frequencies in Campbell's Alphabet Soup and they said that it was mostly L's, and I figure this is because the E's and F's and T's all broke. However, several years ago (about 1991) I counted the letter frequencies in Alpha-Bits to discover that it's full of B's and O's (and probably B.O. too), presumably because the round letters are the least fragile when made out of hard crunchy material (that may or may not be edible.) I posted the frequency breakdown to sci.lang to see if anyone could guess where I got my B's and O's from and nobody could. They said it looked like GIBBERISH! So I had the last laugh by eating it. Now let's get back to convincing everyone that the Government forced Microsoft to engineer a "back door" into ROT-13. -- K. So to be safe, encrypt your data really securely by ROT-13'ing it twice. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.startrek.klingon,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Roddenberry, Klingons, the Bible? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 04:58:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.startrek.klingon, "Vicarius" (kylek@magicnet.net) wrote: > > I've hear the Mr. Gene came up with the Klingons based upon a tribe of > people in the Bible, maybe in the book of Exodus? Does anyone know what > tribe? Thanks, Vic It was "The White Guys Covered With Shoe Polish" tribe, which was founded by Al Jolson, George Hamilton, and Roy Scheider. I should point out that Michael "Kang" Ansara was covered with brown shoe polish, or possibly chocolate pudding, on "Star Trek", and covered with silver greasepaint on "The Time Tunnel" (as a Canopian who abducts Hitler -- I am not making this up), and covered with blue greasepaint or possibly birthday-cake frosting on "I Dream Of Jeannie" (as The Blue Djinn) and yet "Babylon 5" was too cheap to even afford to cover him with a weird color paint to complete the set. If I had been J. Michael Straczynski, I would have at least made Michael Ansara run around in a bikini and purple bodypaint just to get my money's worth. -- K. He's also the voice of Mr. Freeze in the recent "Batman" cartoons, in which a drawing of him is covered with gray paint, only they fake it on a computer so it doesn't count. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Salting soda machines Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 06:35:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.oflklore.urban, Meekcs (meekcs@aol.comwhat) wrote: > > Is it true that "salting" a soda (or any other vending) machine will cause it > to spew forth coins? Not _any_ other vending machine. For instance, those vending machines in the ancient Roman Empire which dispensed salt would only spew forth an assortment of small frogs, toads, and salamanders. In a light gravy. Mmm! > I heard about this in my wild college days and actually tried it... > I prepared what was, in my estimation, a "saturated" salt and water > solution and drained it into a gallon milk jug with a squeeze bottle top. > I targeted a soda machine in the neighborhood and poured the solution > into the coin slot. You're not supposed to pour it into the coin slot, you're supposed to turn the machine upside-down and pour it into the "can-out" slot. Then the coins come out where they're supposed to go in, only faster. > I drained the whole jug. No quarters, dimes, or nickels... just a > faint clicking sound. > > Someone on the Uiowa BBS told me I didn't make the solution "salty" enough. Next time dip a "Chicken In A Biskit" cracker in it. Then it'll work. > I'm inclined to believe this is a UL type thing. Has anyone else heard > about this? Yes, this sounds like something they'd do at Underwriters Laboratories. > Oh, I went back a few days later and the soda machine was gone. The owner > of a video store (who, I supposed rented the machine) told us that some > "damn" kids salted it. Naah, the damn kids are all right. I hope you told him it wasn't them, just a sweet loveable misfit who wore a different hat every day and kept changing his grades with his computer and made beer in the bunsen burner in chemistry class. And to make the guy feel better you could tell him the kid died from playing a "Dungeons & Dragons" game he bought with the thousand dollars he took out of the vending machine. People like you more when you tell them cute lies after you destroy their property. So next time you break the shopkeeper's Coke machine, hug him and burst into tears and wail, "THE MASONS POURED SALT INTO MY FRESHWATER AQUARIUM JUST LIKE YOUR POOR COKE MACHINE!" -- K. Note that I avoided making a single "Scooby-Doo" joke. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.society.generation-x.ls-bumgarner From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Continuing Adventures of Payroll Boy Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 04:18:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology, Jaffo (jaffo@jaffo.com) wrote: > > [...] over the weekend some PUNK paid a late fee with 9 dollars and > 50 cents worth of nickels, dimes, and pennies. > > I've been counting all morning. > > Here are the results (including an extra 50 cents for lock & towel fees): > > 55 dimes > 41 nickels > 245 pennies > > I now have them arrayed in a series of tiny envelopes. Each one is stuffed to > the gills. They look like "folder eggs." Is it just me, or am I the only person on alt.religion.kibology with a job that involves computers and not deep fryers or towels or both? I TOOK A PLEDGE MANY YEARS AGO NEVER TO TOUCH A TOWEL! By the way, why do your eggs have gills? > I swear, if I could track this kid down, I would beat him with this 10-pound > change bag. Why not just shape the coins into a voodoo doll and then shove it into a slot machine? I'd think that would cause him endless frustration and horror, not to mention making him smell like a mixture of metal, cheap perfume, and really cheap cigars. > [... on middle management...] > > They LIVE for this stuff. The second you leave their office, the Associate > Director of Rock Climbing and Pool Maintenance will be on the phone to HIS > Director, and then that Director will be on the phone to HIS Director, and so > on until the Dean of your college has been personally informed about your > attitude problem. So how long before you get promoted to a position of responsibility in Pool Maintenance instead of just Assistant Chlorine-Stirrer-With-His-Hands? > I finally got the damn deposit done. Our normal runner is out today so we > have to get old Bill the Maintenance Guy to take it. This bag is pretty > heavy. I hope it doesn't throw his back out. You know, it would be really neat if someone on alt.religion.kibology would keep posting articles about his swell job that didn't involve fishing used towels and/or underwear out of swimming pools, deep-frying chocolate-covered tacos, or opening buckets of maple syrup. I hereby appoint Lee S. Bumgarner to begin posting a long series of articles about the joys of his job, which I suggest should be either (a) Head Chef at a gourmet kitchen in the Hanover Inn, (b) crash helmet tester in outer space, or (c) Darth Vader. Well, (b) and (c) are kind of similar, but they pay differently. Also the crash helmet tester doesn't get to drive the company Death Star home on weekends. -- K. I have a Death Universe. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: theory of motions Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 6 Dec 1998 08:50:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Can someone give me a brief synopsis of "motions" in lawsuits. So far > my experience is that they are sort of like a court-in-action only > without the courtroom and judge and jurors and partys in one place and > time. And then five minutes later he wrote: > > I found out that such a motion has 30 days for response but that > other motions have only 10 days for response. I understand that a > summary judgement occurs when the complaint has "no material". And the > judgement is without trial. > Can someone give a brief synopsis of "motion for summary judgement" > and how plaintiffs usually respond to these motions? And then seven more minutes passed and he wrote: > > I understand that this is a motion where the plaintiff and defendant > and judge meet. And that "discovery" deadlines and trial dates are > established. > > Who usually calls for this Motion? Can someone give a synopsis of this > motion? Archie, I think from these simple facts we can deduce three things. 1.) When you're acting as your own lawyer and you sue your own employer and your employer is big enough to be able to hire a real legal team, you don't stand a chance if you don't know what a motion is. 2.) A motion for a summary judgment is just the secret Masonic code that all laywers and judges use to keep you from understanding their real meaning, "The jury would just giggle throughout the trial anyhow." 3.) I think in your case you should respond to the opposition's motion for a summary judgment by jumping up and down on the judge's desk (which is like the bench, but different) while flailing your arms and wailing, "STOP BEING SO MEAN TO ME, YOU'RE A VERY BAD JUDGE!" Then start singing "Ta-ra-ra-boom-dee-ay" while doing the can-can in a frilly skirt. That way the summary judgement motion will be overwhelmed by your much greater physical motion according to Newton's Third Law Of Motions (second paragraph, crossed out.) -- K. I will give any enterprising Dartmouth student FIVE DOLLARS if they videotape the trial and post high-resolution video of these important proceedings. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: What is it about the Holidays? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 04:15:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > And no, I don't mean that weird cartoon called the Roman Holidays that I > hadn't probably thought of in 10 or so years until just now. WAAH! I will stop reading your post now, for when I was a little kid the ROman Holidays was my FAVORITE HANNA-BARBERA CARTOON! They had the big lovable lion who talked like a mixture of Astro and Scooby-Doo, and the mean boss (Mr. Crassus) who was like Mr. Slate combined with Mr. Spacely and Mr. Cogswell and the other Mr. Slate who was identical to Mr. Cogswell, and this teenage daughter who was just like a mixture of Judy Jetson and the weird teenage version of Pebbles they did after "The Flintstones" had been on for thirty years, and... OKAY, HELL WITH IT, I LIKED IT BECAUSE IT WAS EXACTLY LIKE THE FLINTSTONES AND THE JETSONS BUT EVERYONE ELSE LIKED THE OTHER TWO SO I COULDN'T!!! > [rant complaining that there's too much discussion of [beep]ing on > alt.religion.kibology omitted just to be a tease] > > BTW, does anyone have any snuff stories involving the characters from the > cartoon 'The Roman Holidays', or know someone who does? Remember when Brutus pushed Crassus into the impluvium after filling it with Space Piranhas, I mean, Roman Piranhas? That was so SPACE-COOL-ROCK! How come they did "The Flintstones Meet The Jetsons" (TWICE, there were two "movies" under that title with different plots) but they never did "The Flintstones And The Jetsons Beat Up The Roman Holidays"? Then they could learn to cooperate to build a time machine powered by a mixture of elements from the three time zones, "spacerockium". -- K. There should be a lame cartoon sitcom about these two bozos named Hanna and Barbera who spend all their time avoiding doing any animation, except we wouldn't even be able to afford that, so it would be just one guy and a drawing of a mirror. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.society.high-school From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Will Kibo grant me an indulgence? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1998 04:07:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In article <308B29182DA9D693.88F4F4A8329080DE.34DBBF02C5667331@library- proxy.airnews.net>, [Ladies and gentlemen... Lee Bumbergarndarnbumdargarnertnertatnergerdingdanger has finally concocted a Message-ID so long that it cannot be quoted in 80 columns without splitting it at the hyphen. Let's just hope he doesn't think of removing the hyphen.] in alt.religion.kibology and alt.society.high-school, Sheldon Gartner (a1050pi@yahoo.com) wrote: > > With the Pope willing to forgive people's sins as Y2K approaches, IT WAS NEVER APPROACHING BEFORE!!! > I wonder if Kibo will grant me an indulgence to allow me to sit at the > Cool Table.... Your application to join Club 91 has been accepted, but in a bad way. The Club 91 Steering Committee fixed an unfortunate typo on the form and you have just joined Club 80. As the only member, you are also the treasurer. And it turns out that Club 80 owes fifty thousand dollars in back taxes and phone sex bills. > -l > --- > ICQ#: 9393354 * "Whenever you find that you are on the side of > the majority, it is time to reform." -- Mark Twain I think the majority of people forgive you, Lee. But the majority of people ain't sitting at the cool table. -- K. We play stud poker at the coo table 'cause it's cool and we're studs and it's a card table! P.S. Lee, you can also remove the curse by kissing Archimedes Plutonium on the lips. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.skeptic,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: wise sayings on maths? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 08:26:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.math and sci.skeptic, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > [in reply to a sane person] > > Just shut-up and take a back row seat and watch how fast Prusiner's > fake prion theory is destroyed by the truth-of-real-biology. This is > because biology, and chemistry and physics have a objective Judge-- > that of experiment and observation. I will note that Archie hasn't yet thought of trying to get a change of venue for his self-filed lawsuit against the kitchen where he works, but sooner or later he's sure to try to move the suit to The Court Of Physics so that the judge can't laugh at him. (Because in physics nobody can make fun of you because there is no room for humor in physics, unlike math.) > Whereas mathematics has only subjective bandwagons of people for a judge. I TRIED TO JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON BUT IT WAS ONLY SUBJECTIVE AND I FELL ON MY BOTTOM, WAAH! > And watch how slowly the > mathematics community admits to the Wiles fakery. We still have the > Cantor diagonal fakery and that is over 100 years old. That means that its copyright has expired, therefore it's public domain and therefore true! Or at least reprinted by Dover Books. With the standard Dover note on the back cover saying "THIS BINDING IS DESIGNED TO LAST FOR FIVE THOUSAND YEARS AND THE PAGES DID NOT JUST FALL OUT, YOU ARE IMAGINING THINGS." > When you contrast the establishment of truth in the sciences with that of > mathematics, one wonders why there are so many mathematicians running > around in the first place. Of course, we still have a-lot of > philosophers running around. They keep taking all the GOOD jobs away from Archimedes Plutonium, like that snotty Pre-Socratic guy who just got promoted to SENIOR assistant dishwasher! So, Arch, have you considered bringing a class-action lawsuit against the philosophers' labor union? -- K. Also don't forget to sue Dover for publishing all those clip-art books that make Yellow Pages ads look so cheesy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: wITHOUT GOD Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 07:45:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.flame.jesus.christ, Young JIN Kim (YJK@webtv.net) wrote: > > Atheists listen to rumor more than truth. That's because rumor is in stereo with great bass, bay-bee! > [...stuff and WebTV-generated garbled stuff elided...] > > Bible is about prophesy. > about 1/3 I believe.. The other 2/3 is composed of inactive ingredients and stabilizers (to enhance texture.) > GOD prophesied all the > major events before they > happened. > > Right on time. Then how come "Star Trek" got cancelled? Huh? > > > . . . . . > . . .. . . .. > YJK ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> Didja know that the official sign of The Church Of Satan is SEVEN fish and THIRTEEN dots? Makes you THINK, doesn't it? -- K. Or at least COUNT. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.food.taco-bell,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Taco Bell's Wacky Patents Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998 05:38:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I spent a little time scrounging around a patent search site looking for every patent for assignee "Taco Bell". Did you know that Taco Bell's paper taco wrappers are patented? US # 4608259: > > The pocket front and back sheets and the overwrap sheet are preferably > integrally formed from one generally rectangular blank of paper material. Absolute genius! They patented A VAGUE CONCEPT OF SOMETHING GENERALLY SORT OF RECTANGULAR AND KIND OF PAPERY! The patent, of course, has one of those technical drawings with little numbers pointing to different parts of the machine, in this case, all 26 parts of the... sheet of paper. (Well, okay, one part is a taco. However, the patent does not say TACO NOT INCLUDED so I demand a free taco with the next empty wrapper I buy.) Taco Bell invented also invented cardboard taco holders... US # 4573570: > > Each cutout has a cross section substantially in the shape of a taco > base, and an unwrapped taco can be placed in and supported upright > across the opposed cutouts, or a partially eaten taco can be supported > upright by only a single cutout, with the taco being supported in many > possible positions, such that the structural support also serves as a > taco stand for either a whole or partially eaten taco. ...and it could hold a partially-eaten taco FOREVER! And how about a patent on a box with dividers in it... US # 4807776: > > A closeable container and, more specifically, a multi-compartmented > container arrangement which is adapted for the separated stowage and > dispensing of a plurality of different kinds of foodstuffs or items > which are adapted to be carried in a discretely tiered and compartmented > relationship within the container. I like how they're discretely tiered, as opposed to those other cardboard boxes that have irrational numbers of layers. And now on to "content-identifying carton structure"... US # 4684023, revised as US # RE033979: > > A multi-purpose carton and, more particularly, a folding paperboard > carton incorporating content-identifying structure enabling > identification of the carton contents without necessitating the opening > of the carton. Moreover, also disclosed is a paperboard blank for > forming the carton. In other words, this one patent covers (a) writing things on boxes and also (b) folding the box shut. How does this box work its magic? It has little tabs you can push in to indicate "TACO", "NO CHEESE", "DOG FOOD", or whatever. You know, like those soda-cup lids every fast food place has always used but never pushed in the bumps on. Here's a good one. "Manually-operable ratchet type dispenser for comestibles" is a patent on a ketchup dispenser. US # 4323176: > > The advance of the ratchet, will cause the bottom of the container to > move into the container so as to displace an equal volume comestible and > force the displayed quantity of comestible out of a container dispensing > orifice. It doesn't say whether the ketchup goes "SPLUT!" or "BLURP!" as it comes out. Think that's amazing technology? Taco Bell has also invented a "heating apparatus and method of heating a food product"... US # 4585661 > > An apparatus for the rapid and essentially uniform heating of a food > product, including a heating oven utilizing a novel heat generating > system for the generating of a heated gaseous fluid medium, such as > steam, for the rapid heating or cooking of food, and wherein the > apparatus is adapted for home and/or commercial utilizations. I.e. the last lines means that lawyers will claim this patent also covers Kenner Easy-Bake ovens. EVEN THOUGH IT'S JUST A STUPID STEAM TABLE! Did you know Taco Bell has a machine which can automatically heat, fill, and top tacos without human intervention, to prevent the bozos from screwing up your "NO CHEESE" order? Apparently they only have them in the GOOD Taco Bells, not the ones we have here: US # 5531156: > > An automatic taco machine can automatically make both soft and hard > tacos. Storage compartments for soft tortillas and hard taco shells are > mounted above a V-shaped conveyor. A soft tortilla is removable from a > stack of tortills by a vacuum pick-up head and is heated and is inserted > between a pair of heated plates where it is compressed and heated. A > pusher bar moves downwardly through slots in the heater plates to fold > the tortilla and push it onto the conveyor. A hot food dispenser and a > cold food dispenser dispense hot and cold food onto the tortilla as it > is moved by the conveyor. A hard taco shell is removable from a stack of > taco shells by a reciprocably mounted peeler which separates the bottom > taco shell from the stack and supports the stack while the bottom taco > shell drops to the conveyor. The conveyor moves the taco shell past the > hot and cold food dispensers. My pusher bar can beat up your reciprocably mounted peeler, if you know what I mean, and if you're a gal with a vacuum pick-up head. That's all of Taco Bell's patents I could find, except for the one "for the automatic generation of legal documents", which I have mentioned before, and shall not mention again because I just got sued 500,000,000,000 times. -- K. P.S. WebTV owns three patents, including US # 5745909, which is for an unspecified HTML tag for marking pictures as "this picture will make your TV flicker". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Things That Are On The TV News Only When They Happen By Accident. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 09:49:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Things That Are On The TV News Only When They Happen By Accident. A Poem By Kibo. An appendectomy. A Presidential election. An enema. Nuclear war. The End. Bow. Applause. Signature.