Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 08:01:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, fellow Kibologists, I need your help inventing an apropos neologism. People who are me, whose posts I always auto-select to make sure they came out right, are Green Level. People whose posts I auto-select because they are good people who always write worthwhile stuff (even though they are not me) are Blue Level. People whose posts I auto-select because they are wacky bozos who always write stuff that entertainms me by accident (i.e. Archie) are Purple Level. Now, using my advanced string-matching technology (which compares strings by -- gasp -- matching them) I also autoselect posts which are replies to Green Level articles (and I label them in brown.) However, lately, I've started autoselecting replies to a few Blue Level and Purple Level people. Using a separate color for articles and the replies they promped seems silly, so I'm tempted to re-label the followups to Green articles as light green, etc. (I have a wide range of foreground and background colors to choose from, so although it's hard to tell too many hues apart, I can make a lot of shades of each hue for my convenience.) So, what I'd like to know is, what is the term for an article you read because it was a reply to (a) a good person or (b) a bozo? -- K. P.S. Those of you who keep changing addresses tend to accidentally fall out of my Blue List. Stop it! I want to NEVER UPDATE MY FILTERS AGAIN. Please, from now on, nobody should join, depart, or move. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 02:41:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > [ in response to Kibo's blue/green algae score file ] Okay, which of you two said I have pond scum in my computer? It's too bad the guy who invented Usenet didn't think of a way of labelling who wrote the "[snip]" in the multiply-nested quoted text before he lost his brain in a hang-gliding accident because his glider was controlled by Applesoft Basic! > > Why read replies to your groupies' posts? None of us are getting sued > > by the King of Science! > > I am! I think we should have a special super-secret club, like Club 91 only more evil, consisting only of people who have been hit with imaginary nonexistent made-up lawsuits from The Legal-Law Desk Of The Plutonium Atom Foundation (LLDOTPAF). I propose, since we're in the mood for inventing new words as the mmillenniumm apprroacchhess, that we call our secret new club "All People Ever Added To Suits Having Idiotic Syntax Produced On Orders Of Plutonium" (APEATSHISOWNPOOOP). > anyways, what I really want to say is that I like this scheme > better than the "greepers, bloopers, and wapners" scheme, which > isn't as good because the vowels change, too. I propose that > Kibo uses the /upi/ suffix (spelt "-oopie", to remind us of > Whoopie Goldberg and Chuck Barris) prefixed by the initial > consonant or consonant cluster of the source color. thus: > follow-ups to green level posts: groopies > follow-ups to blue level posts: bloopies > follow-ups to purple level posts: poopies > this is better, because the /upi/ morpheme has greater humor > value than the /pr/ morpheme. YES! /oo/ is always funny! Witness: Archimedes Platonium Eats His Own Pap -- Not funny. Archimedes Plutonium Eats His Own Poop -- Funny. Oorchoomoodoos Plootoonoom Eats His Own Pooooooooooooooooop!!! -- Funny-Funny. Now if you could just get a /k/ phoneme it would be perfect because "k" is the funniest letter, 'kay? -- K. Konnect With Skenektady! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 02:33:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > [ exciting docudrama filmed in Kibocolor deleted ] > > > > All my posts are in Urine Yellow, because if something you post is that > > color, IT MEANS YOU'RE IN YELLOW! > > what's funny is: in my newsreader (Yarn) (which sounds sort > of like "urine", if you pronounce it slow and stupid,) I used to use YA-NW which was to NW as yarn is to rn except in all caps and it supported dragon droppings. That was back when I wrote up the basic killfile/selectfile technique documented on my Web site. A year or two ago I switched to MT-NW which is to YA-NW what yarn is to '/bin/readnews -h', and it does everything EXCEPT let people post pornography, which is a big point in its favor. Now that I have MT-NW and have converted my killfile/selectfile to a score-based system I am much happier and more importantly YOU'RE IN YELLOW WITH PURPLE STRIPES JUST LIKE HANNU POROPUDAS'S NEUTRINOS! > my background color is black, and my foreground color is YELLOW. > so your words "Urine Yellow" appeared on my screen in URINE > YELLOW. I didn't know urine glowed in the dark. Mine just makes snap-crackle-pop noises! Well, only on cereal. > what do you call it when someone makes a joke that is the > same color as the words on your screen? Color-Coded Bozosity Now With A Hint Of Lemon Or Urine We Can't Tell Which By Looking At It On Our WebTV. I maked a joke in the color of funny, tee-hee. -- K. CLICK HERE FOR SPECIAL WEBTV DISCOUNT ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 03:53:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, fellow Kibologists, I need your help inventing an apropos neologism. > > Ok. You know how you're sometimes in the middle of typing in a > window, and another window pops up (because something else was loading > -- you can't be bothered to WAIT two seconds for your computer to open > all the programs you just clicked on), and the new window gets focus, > and you type stuff meant for the now-hidden window? I think there > should be SUCH a nasty name for that. How about "uncontrolled H-ing"? Or something with "backslash dot com" in it. There's a TV commercial which annoys me greatly with a jingle which includes the lyric: "Charlie works in cyberspace, backslash-dot-com all day long..." And then there's the one showing off the lame attempts to make haircuts at Supercuts, including "The I don't want to look like a geek-dot-com." Which, incidentally, makes the guy look like a ROYAL DOUBLE GEEK. My least favorite commercial at the moment, though, is the one where Dow tells us that their toxic chemicals make women twirl their babies around over their heads in the middle of fields of flowers with the following irritating song: "Just a thought, that's what Einstein said. Just a view of the future two steps ahead..." EINSTEIN ADMITS HIS THEORY IS JUST A THOUGHT!!! ALSO HE DESERVES A SECOND NOBEL PRIZE NOW THAT SCIENTISTS ARE REALIZING HE WAS *TWO* STEPS AHEAD! > Maybe it could be in Newsweek, on the same page as the arrow next to > Bill Clinton that always points up. Oh, you mean "Conventional Wisdom". We could hire Newsweek to write one of those for a.r.k: ^ | Kibo As swell as he ever was! <-> Archie At least he THINKS he's doing something. | S W Tanner Openly mocked Newsweek's incredibly clever v way of summarizing all world news. >-< Matt McIrvin Hasn't explained which line is longer. SLOW CHILDREN Etienne Rouette Likes this sign. AHEAD! STOP AHAED! Mike Jittlov Likes this sign. (at the end of this section of the magazine, to let you know the article is over in case you didn't notice it had a box around it and was in a different color typeface, there's a tiny dingbat of an enormous cow being dropped) \\m// (___)3o -- iOOW " " > Bill Clinton: Hell, boy, my arrow always points up! I mean, they > said speak softly and carry a big stick. Well, get a load of THIS > big stick! That reminds me, tonight I missed Mark Russell making fun of the Year 2000 Bug. I wonder if this is one of the episodes where he was sober? > - - - - - - - - - S - N - I - P - - - - - - - - - That was the worst Village People song ever. I hear the Navy used "Y-M-C-A" in their commercials and the YMCA used "In The Navy" in their commercials for about a week before someone explained it to them. Then the YMCA and the Navy got married and they had a baby named YMVY, whose birth certificate said in full, "Your Mileage May Vary". And now... you know... the rest... of the... story! > Hey mom and dad, are you sick of seeing this kind of juvenile > profanity? Of course you are! That's why Sunrise Video of Utah is > pleased to offer you Titanic: The Slightly Shorter Edition. We've > taken out the brief shot of Kate Winslow's nipples, and the implied > sex in the carriage, so you and your family can together enjoy the ^^^^^^^^ The first time I read it, that said "carnage". Now that I realize you left in all the carnage, maybe I'll consider watching at least a small part of "Titanic" someday. Does anyone here know if the ship sinks in the first five minutes? > rest of the fun, fantasy, spousal abuse and drowning babies! > > For those who don't read Utah news--i.e., everybody--the thing about > Sunrise Video is true. This means that someone, somewhere, is > hoarding 6 hours footage of Kate Winslow's breasts in a box somewhere. > > Possibly a metal strongbox. Well, they took that footage out of thousands of copies of the movie, so somewhere someone is splicing all those little clips together to make a single six-hour shot of a nipple. And that person's name is... RANDY WARHOL! I'm sorry. But it's TRUE! > Because in the event of a tragic accident, or a national emergency, > would you have a stable supply of pornography? Are you ready and able > to protect yourself from those whose porn supplies are running low? > > THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY PHOTO NINJITSU INTERNATIONAL. GIVE US > $10,000 AND WE'LL GIVE YOU NAKED PICTURES OF ANYONE. ANYONE. > > I love going to emergency-preparedness sites. They start off with > phrases like "bulk MRE storage", I was going to review all twelve flavors of MRE on my Web page (I've had a few, but not all of them) but I can't get them locally any more. I may have to mail-order a case of them. Waah! MREs are hard! > "water purification tablets" which are shaped like little seashells. You add them to the fishbowl and then the water becomes drinkable even though it has fish living in it. I was reminiscing about those fish water conditioners shaped like seashells made out of chalk recently. They don't seem to be in stores any more. So I won't be able to tell you how they taste on my Web page, either. ALSO I'M TOO LATE FOR SOXODON, EITHER! > and "emergency travel tips", then finish with phrases like "stopping > power", "good level of suppressive fire" and my favorite, "tissue > displacement". AH-CHOO!!!! > Excuse me, I have to go spraypaint "LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT. > SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN" on my house. And then I'm going to Hooters. But then you'll never be able to get back into your house. It'll be just like when Larry and Blaki got the laser security system for their apartment that locked them in and shot them with lasers and tried to gas them. Then Balki lost his cap and all the cream pies exploded in numerical order. > And now, the celebrity quote of the day. > Charleton Heston: GUNNNNNSSSSSSS!!!! > > You know, there was this anthropologist. She went and studied wiccans > in some city somewhere. Lived with them, went to their ceremonies, > day-tripped around, did all the stuff wiccans do. And then she wrote > a book about it. Next on the Jane Goodall list was...S&M. Yes, she > talked to kinky people, spanked various males, and attended S&M > meetings like THIS: > > [Makeshift church scene. A row of men are kneeling. REALLY kneeling] > > S&M Queen: And now the sacrament. > > [She walks down the row of men. At each, she asks...] > > S&M Q:Are you ready to suffer to learn? > > [...then they kiss her riding crop] > > But the really key point here, is that you ask me about her next book. > > WHAT WAS HER NEXT BOOK, I hear you cry. > > Her next book was on... > > MULTI-LEVEL-MARKETING! > > [ Still-shot of the Nu-skin building, with the subtle pyramid-like > architecture ] I'll have you know I have a bottle here of brush-on "New-Skin" and a can of spray-on "New-Skin" for larger wounds which aren't shaped like brushstrokes. I was planning to dip my whole body in it so I'd be invulerable to anything except those bacteria that eat plastic, and I'd never have to bathe again unless the bacteria that eat plastic are also the ones that make sweat smell like sweat, but I discovered that "New-Skin" is actually a 500% concentrate of a mixture of clove oil, nutmeg, cilantro, coriander, and asafetida. Plus some Elmer's Glue. You can make your own just by taking some Elmer's Glue and stinking it up with a bunch of weird chemicals like clove oil. > ...which will segue us nicely into this MLM scheme. > > > People who are me, whose posts I always auto-select to make sure they > > came out right, are Green Level. > > > People whose posts I auto-select because they are good people who always > > write worthwhile stuff (even though they are not me) are Blue Level. > > > People whose posts I auto-select because they are wacky bozos who always > > write stuff that entertainms me by accident (i.e. Archie) are Purple Level. > > And if you sell 20 or more memes, you'll get an autographed copy of > Desi Arnez Jr. With His Mouth Hanging Open, Volume 12! Sure, when Shirley Bassey sings, her volume goes to 11. But Desi Arnaz Jr.'s mouth is so big it goes to volume 12! > > Now, using my advanced string-matching technology (which compares strings > > by -- gasp -- matching them) I also autoselect posts which are replies > > to Green Level articles (and I label them in brown.) However, lately, > > I've started autoselecting replies to a few Blue Level and Purple Level > > people. > > Why read replies to your groupies' posts? None of us are getting sued > by the King of Science! > > Then again, I got email from the guy whose neck was broken by an > exotic dancer's breasts. > > The moral: WE MUST SNAP ARCHIE PU'S NECK WITH GIANT BREASTS! Naah. WE MUST SNAP ARCHIE'S NECK WITH TINY BREASTS. > P.S. Someone combine wiccans, S&M, and multi-level marketing for me. > Something like "Now the Ponzi Schemes that brought Albania's economy > to its knees...will bring YOU to your knees, slave! Come to the > Solstice Spanking to find out how!" AYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! PONZI SCHEMES ARE COOL! SIT ON IT, NERD!!!! (Was that too obvious, even for the Internet?) -- K. "Spot Visits The Ponzi Pyramid Of Pain" was a story I wrote around 1990. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 03:19:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) says... > > > > Okay, fellow Kibologists, I need your help inventing an apropos > > neologism. > ^^^^^^^^^ > "Neologism"? Pfffft. I think that's a word you just made up. I can make up all the words I want because I am the Nth Earl Of Sandwich! > > People who are me, whose posts I always auto-select to make sure they > > came out right, are Green Level. > > > > People whose posts I auto-select because they are good people who always > > write worthwhile stuff (even though they are not me) are Blue Level. > > ALL OF ARK WONDERS SILENTLY: "Am I Worthy of Blue Level?" Hey, I don't wonder that. I *know* whether or not you're at Blue Level. I can put people there. I can take them away. I CAN COLOR THEM FUNNY COLORS TOO! > > People whose posts I auto-select because they are wacky bozos who always > > write stuff that entertainms me by accident (i.e. Archie) are Purple Level. > > ALL OF ARK WONDERS SILENTLY: "Am I Guilty of Purple Level?" I doubt it, unless Don Saklad is all of a.r.k. > > Now, using my advanced string-matching technology (which compares strings > > by -- gasp -- matching them) I also autoselect posts which are replies > > to Green Level articles (and I label them in brown.) However, lately, > > I've started autoselecting replies to a few Blue Level and Purple Level > > people. > > ALL OF ARK WONDERS SILENTLY: "How many points is my email name worth in > Kibo's scorefile? And are they positive or negative points? And does my > butt look big under this microscope?" I think I'm gonna need a bigger microscope. > Dear Leader Kibo: > > Please post your current scorefile rule database to Usenet, as I need it > for a homework project. Please sort the rules chronologically by the > date of the first post by the well-known Usenet Kook(tm) that caused the > creation of the rule. Why don't I just repost the whole darn a.r.k archive as a single message? That way you won't have to worry about threading or DejaNews or whatever, you can just get all 219,810 articles (as of Mr. Pacheco's) in order in one convenient place, containing ALL THE COOL PEOPLE, ALL THE WACKOS, and even THIS VERY MESSAGE! In fact, in addition to reposting all the old a.r.k articles as a single message, I should also post all FUTURE a.r.k articles, indeed, all POTENTIAL a.r.k articles! Including the ones that can't be read by humans without them going permanently INSANE! > Alternately, put all the rules in a small brown paper bag and leave them > under Harvard Square on Friday after midnight, or the cat dies. Please > include a receipt for tax purposes. HAVE A NICE DAY, PLEASE DRIVE > FORWARD. I flipped over Harvard Square and found out it was a giant Nicoderm CQ patch, only instead of being filled with liquid nicotine it was filled with homeless people which it dispenses at fixed intervals. I don't want to put it back but I don't want to take it home either. Where should I put Harvard Square? (The Dartmouth quad, on top of Archie's dodgeball game?) > Love, > > - Plato Kryptonium Oh, like Superman's gonna be afraid of a wimpy LAWSUIT WITH GLOWING GREEN 24-POINT VIVALDI CAPITALS. > > Using a separate color for articles and the replies they promped seems > > silly, so I'm tempted to re-label the followups to Green articles as > > light green, etc. (I have a wide range of foreground and background > > colors to choose from, so although it's hard to tell too many hues apart, > > I can make a lot of shades of each hue for my convenience.) > > > > So, what I'd like to know is, what is the term for an article you read > > because it was a reply to (a) a good person or (b) a bozo? > > Rules of contraction apply here: > > Replies to Green Level = "Green Level" = Green Person = "Gree-Per" > > Replies to a Blue Level = "Blue Level" = Blue Person = "Blue-Per" > > Replies to Purple Level = wacky bozo purple = "Wa-Pur" Yes! Yes! Light Greens are Greepers, Light Blues are Bluepers, Light Purples are Wapurs (or Lavendaloozers?) I like the fact that you chose an irregular for the light purple people because "Purpers" sounds stupid. I think I like it better. Greepers, Bluepers, and Purpers. Note, of course, that Blue Level overrides Greeperness, Blueperness, and/or Purperduperness. Thus, because Mr. Pacheco replied to one of my posts, although his post falls in the general category of Greepers, it doesn't get stuck in with them because he's actually a Blue Alpha. (Unless he's a girl.) > Simple rules, really. Anyone who responds to *your* posts is a greeper, > anyone who responds to an interesting person's post is a blooper, anyone > who responds to a kook is a whopper. ...and should therefore be well-wrapped. > The appropriate followup here is "BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!". FORGET BLACK! EVERYTHING BROWN! (They say a.r.k used to be a slaughterhouse.) CALLBACKS HAVE NO STATUE OF IMITATIONS!!! -- not quite Matt McIrvin > All my posts are in Urine Yellow, because if something you post is that > color, IT MEANS YOU'RE IN YELLOW! GETIT? HUH, GETIT? IT LOOKS LIKE > URINE BUT IT'S NOT, SEE? Actually, in my system, yellow is a special danger color reserved for the infinitely narrow line between visible and oblivion. If I come up with a new rule for plonking losers based on generalized criteria, I set it to highlight them in Warm Yellow (at the lowest ranking, mixed in with the Gray Kills) for a few weeks to make sure I'm not catching any false positives with friendly fire (or at least indifferent fire.) Then if my yellow holds up I empty out the bedpan and they go plonk. > -dp. > ALL OF ARK WONDERS SILENTLY: > "I don't get it... > And I don't WANT to." Why would anyone not want to get urine? It's more convenient than ever with new home delivery! -- K. From the Internation Space Station! ("I'm writing my name all over Russia!" -- Robin Williams) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Christmas 1998 Spot Story Topic Not Unveiled Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 10:20:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just picked a topic for this year's Christmas Spot story (which I will write on Christmas), and I would like to call HOLY RIGHT OF DIBS on said topic, even though I won't reveal what the topic is until Christmas. So nobody mention any topics or I'll RUIN CHRISTMAS FOR EVERYONE when I have to switch the Spot story to a different, lame topic. -- K. P.S. Also not only do I call dibs on all topics, I call do-over on everything you ever did. Now you're required by law to do it betterer! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tech-support.recovery From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Christmas 1998 Spot Story Topic Not Unveiled Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 04:11:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just picked a topic for this year's Christmas Spot story (which I will > > write on Christmas), and I would like to call HOLY RIGHT OF DIBS on said > > topic, even though I won't reveal what the topic is until Christmas. > > > > So nobody mention any topics or I'll RUIN CHRISTMAS FOR EVERYONE when > > I have to switch the Spot story to a different, lame topic. > > Oooh, lost again. My money was on the Spot Runs the Abuse Desk at STD > for a Week storyline. Oh, I did that last year around the time I severed all relations with a certain evil temp-placement agency. See below for "Spot, The Overloaded Operator". I'm even going to cross-post it to alt.tech-support.recovery just so they can complain that I shouldn't be so hard on those pitiful people who actually do depend on telephone tech support for their brand new WebTVs. (I should be harder.) AND YOU MAY NOT TAKE THAT SENTENCE OUT OF CONTEXT!!! > But it doesn't really matter because I'm in the > Orange-Yellow file, where uber-bozos with no sense of humor are. > And boy are my arms tired! Naah, you don't wanna put yourself in Orange Level. It's only marginally better than just having a good IQ. -- K. P.S. Stacia, my filters claim you had a 119 IQ when you made that post. Clancy Dalebout's followup to yours scored 103, and my article you were replying to had 144. These predicted IQ values do not represent the additional 7900 bonus points to bump you up to Brown, or my 16000 for Green (because Green trumps Brown trumps your IQ.) Anyway, were my filters' statistical predictions right? And now, as per unpopular request, a repost of the story I wrote last year in which poor Spot took a temp job as a computer technical support dog. It was written on the spot (poor spot!) just because Alex "Yonderboy" Suter demanded it, and is preceded by some filler including the only time I ever said a dirty word on the Internet. //// RERUN ZONE //// RERUN ZONE //// RERUN ZONE //// RERUN ZONE //// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Spot Story (was: The Dead Email Society) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.atheism,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Wed, 25 Jun 1997 08:57:14 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9581 centons, 71 microns, .04 mugars X-Kibo-Equipment: a distributed Lego robot (distributed by accident) In [alt.religion.kibology, alt.atheism, alt.mega-ego.yonderboy] asuter@Xenon.Stanford.EDU (Lupus Yonderboy) wrote: | | Thus spake rxv@axis.jeack.com.auZ (Gully Foyle): | | | | mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin) wrote: | | > | | > You forgot "Do not tell me to read the FAQ-- I am here to be entertained | | > by you, not to go read a bunch of pretentious explanations!" and "If you | | > do not believe in God it means you really believe he exists because | | > otherwise you wouldn't have anything not to believe in!" | | | > Congratulations for dispelling any doubt that you are a moron, you've | > saved us a great deal of time and uncertainty. If only all kooks who | > come to this NG were so thoughtful. | > Come to Kibology! Now at half-off the newsstand price! But it's only good for only a limited time only! If time proves to be eternal, Kibology will self-destruct to prevent you from enjoying it after 9999 A.D., the year that will REALLY break God's DOS box! > Kibology provides: > * Doubtless Morons > * Thoughtful Kooks > * Kooky Thoughts (Kibo begins to go-go dance with flowers painted all over his body. Suddenly he stops and the camera zooms in on what is painted on his stomach: "MAKE CROSS-POSTS NOT WAR") Ba ba bappa ba! > * In-jokes > * Out-jokes > * Spankings > * Allowedness And all owedness! Scientology joke: "Your owedness just ran over my lochness." And here's another Scientology joke: "Why did the orange cross the road? To eat hexagonal television pants!" NOW COMPARE THESE KIBOLOGY JOKES AND $AVE! Kibology joke: "Why did the orange cross the road? To eat hexagonal television pants AND KILL BOB HOPE!" It's got AS MUCH HUMOR as the Scientology joke... PLUS it rids your home of UNSIGHTLY BOB HOPE! > And at no extra charge: > * Tab damage! (too cheap to meter) It used to be a double spondee. With jimmies. That go down the conveyor belt to the annealing vat, where the Bessemer process Vulcanizes them. But little Jimmie doesn't need to know that! All he needs to know is that our rubber vomit arrives fresh from our factory to his kitchen floor! "Plotz!" That's the sound of progress! > * Angst! > * Bitterness! > * Vegetarian rants! > * Groupies! ('Jesse' only) > * Libertarian "Me too!" posts! > * Me too! ERNIE: Me one the sandbox. BERT: Me two the sandbox. (continues a while) ERNIE: Me seven the sandbox. BERT: Me eight the sandbox. ERNIE: What's that, Bert? You ate the sandbox and chewed it all up and swallowed it even all the sand and the dirty balls the cat put there? And you're a big doodyhead and you like to eat worms like the sandbox and run like a girl and suck your thumb and cry a lot and always wear that stupid shirt like you don't have any other clothes or something and are retarded and smell like piddle and pick your nose and eat it like the sandbox? BERT: Um... oh dear. I have fallen into your trap. There is no way around your logic. RENE DESCARTES: Why, Bert, here's a secret exit from Ernie's logical trap! (Rene opens an iron gate suspended in mid-air. Bert steps through.) BERT: AAAAAAAAAAAaAaAaAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... (fades away as he falls to infinity) RENE: Don't fuck with logic, Bert! ERNIE: And stop eating my sandbox! RENE: Word! > If you act now, we'll also include a short story about Spot, > the Non-Allowed Dog, written by Leader Kibo himself! > > Operators are sitting by! SPOT, THE OVERLOADED OPERATOR a Story-On-Demand(tm) available only to Secret Members. Are you a Secret Member? If not, please POKE YOUR EYES OUT NOW! Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry Poor Spot! He was strolling down the street as happy as a clam, when he remembered that he wasn't a clam, he was an operator! He hurried across town to his job at TechSupporTemps, arriving just as his lunch hour ended. He sat down in his cubicle and put on his convenient no-hands telephone headset. (Using the no-hands phone required three paws.) The phone rang. "Hello, TechSupporTemps, my name is Spot, how may I help you?" "Uh, my Dykstra 686/102XL won't boot. It says 'keyboard failure'. What should I do?" "I don't know." "What does 'keyboard failure' mean?" "I don't know." "The keyboard seems to be plugged in fine. It goes directly into the wall, right?" "I don't know." Spot accidentally hung up on the caller by simultaneously pushing four buttons located in the four corners of the room. This job was _hard_! Today he'd had to say "I don't know" over six thousand times, and his nerves were so frazzled, once he had even accidentally hung up on a caller before he meant to! Spot decided to take a lunch break, as it was almost ten. Spot went strolling down the street, on his eighth lunch break this morning. While he was on his way to his favorite eatery, Finagle-A-Bagel-And-Rotate, he wondered what product he was supposed to be supporting. Hardware? Software? Underwear? Spot didn't know! "I don't know," he said to himself. He wondered why he'd said that. "I don't know!" he said again. Poor Spot! He was only able to say "I don't know!" He went to see his veterinary psychiatrist, Dr. Arf Ulene. "Zo, Zpot, what zeems to be the trouble?" asked Dr. Arf. "I don't know!" "Vell, you must have zum reason for zeeing me. Is everything all right?" "I don't know!" "Little puppy, vat is your name?" "I don't know!" "Vell, ven you figure out if you are disturbed, please come back. Until then, get the hell out of my office!" Dr. Arf pulled a lever which opened a trapdoor under Spot! Spot slid down a slippery sluiceway, landing in a vat of rancid nacho cheese with a TV camera pointed at it. Spot was on "America's Totally Funniest Super Hidden Bloopers And Celebrity Out-Takes And Shirley"! Spot cried. A second assistant director's first assistant, who outranked the first assistant director's second assistant but not a straight flush, came running up. "Hey, little puppy, that was great! We want you to be a regular on this show! All you have to do is read the punchline for Bob Hope's wacky joke off this card!" He held up a cue card which said: BOB HOPE: WHY DOES DR. PEPPER COME IN A BOTTLE? FUNNY PUPPY: I DON'T KNOW! The second assistant director's first assistant looked serious. "Well, little puppy, for a million dollars a week, can you read that punchline aloud?" "I don't know!" "Well, can you?" "I don't know!" "You suck! You're fired!" "Waah!" cried Spot, forgetting that he was unable to say anything other than "I don't know." Spot was so stupid! How... stupid... was... he? I DON'T KNOW! t h e e n d written 6/25/97, 3:15-3:45am just for Alex Suter -- K. [ MASSIVE APPLAUSE ] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Cool! They found a way to make a Palm Pilot useful! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 08:49:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Well, more useful than a few blank index cards, anyway. Turns out that the thing's infrared emitter's most popular use is to record and playback signals from your VCR's remote control, so you can use your 3Com (US Robotics) Pilot as one. (why?) Someone just discovered that cars with electronic door locks can also have their passwords beamed from a Pilot. From The Industry Standard, "the Newsmagazine of the Internet Economy": > > Using Palm Pilots to Steal Cars > > This week the U.K.'s New Scientist reported that computer journalist > Lars Sorensen has discovered a technique for using the infrared port on > the new generation of Palm Pilots to break into cars with infrared > remote keyless entry systems. The Palm Pilot apparently has software > that records the infrared signals from TV and video remote controls, so > that you can turn your PDA into a universal remote for all your home > entertainment gadgets. According to New Scientist, Sorensen successfully > used the same system and software to record the infrared signal from a > friend's car remote, enabling him to enter the car and disable its > alarm. > > Salon's Janelle Brown followed up the story stateside, and secured this > less-than-reassuring quote from Palm PR manager Elizabeth Cardinale: "We > aren't responsible for third-party applications, though we think it's > unfortunate that our product is being used for an illegal use É [But] > there might be a good thing that will come of this. Say someone wanted > to have the key to their car code stored in their Palm Pilot, just in > case they forget their keys." Then Ms. Cardinale then turned all her credit numbers over to her teenage son in case she lost them. Now, given that the key obviously sends the same signal every time, since it's recordbale, doesn't that also imply that a brute-force "crack" of the car -- having the Pilot send all the different keys real fast -- is elementary? If they wanted real security, the key would contain a little radio receiver and it would work like this: 1.) I press the button the the key. Key to car: "Hey, I want in." 2.) Car to key: "Here is a random number: 5847. Process it and send it back." 3.) Key to car: "Okay, I ran it through my magic algorithm. 5847 encodes as BLJX." 4.) Car: "Hey, that's right! My door is open! Michael, we only have four hours to disarm that atomic bomb built by my evil twin!" And, of course, that sort of security has been used for years to protect expensive computer programs ("dongles" that clip onto the computer's keyboard or serial ports contain small chips that give a specific response to a signal from the computer, depending on the signal, not simply sending the same password every time.) Such a system would hinder efforts at brute-force password-guessing for the car, because the random password could be changed on each entry attempt -- i.e. the password would still be guessable, but you'd only get one chance at each password, then there would be a one-second delay and a different 32-bit integer would be randomized. (I wonder how complicated the existing passwords are? Do you want to bet they're not even unique across different cars of the same model? The rumor always was that metal keys weren't.) The article in "The Industry Standard, the Newsmagazine of the Internet Economy" (giggle) was more or less taken vebatim from "Salon", another Internet "magazine", which got it from The New Scientist, a real science news magazine published in England. So anyway, now I think I want a Newton. I want to be able to steal cars while using cursive handwriting. (By the way, Newtons can read my handwriting with close to perfect accuracy. However, I still find blank 3x5 cards to be more useful, convenient, fun, and less fragile.) -- K. And you can clean the gunk out of the edges of your eyeglass frames with them. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Summary: Bogus research is being performed on you through the Internet! Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 05:53:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, since people have been asking about my magic algorithm for predicting the IQ of people from the metadata of their Usenet writings, I thought I'd share some of the raw data with you just to make you feel bad. These scores are compiled entirely from the examination of the headers of articles (not the contents) and do not check for any specific login names. In other words, if all of my own articles come out on top, that's just because this system is scientifically accurate! And you'd expect someone who came up with something this clever to have a super-elite IQ. I just popped open the last 150 alt.religion.kibology articles (let's assume that one day's worth of a.r.k is representative of everything on the Internet at all times.) Here is the list of scores for articles in the thread about my sorting methodology: Subject: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. 156 kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) 139 swt@xmission.com (Stephen Will Tanner 159 kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) 115 nickb@primenet.com (Nick S Bensema) 131 david_pacheco@lineone.net (David Pacheco) 159 kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) 107 froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com (Carlos "Froggy" May) 107 froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com (Carlos "Froggy" May) 96 bang@netcom.com (B. Chas Parisher) 107 Frank Celsius 115 nickb@primenet.com (Nick S Bensema) 111 rsholmes@rodan.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes) 107 nickb@primenet.com (Nick S Bensema) 91 "Ben Flieger" 99 Frank Celsius (They are sorted in more or less descending order. Don't worry about the order, it has to do with threading.) The scores reflect all sorts of critieria, and vary all over the place (and also vary over time, as the age of the article when I read it is a factor) but surprisingly the values within this thread are somewhat consistent: Kibo -- 156, 159, 159 Froggy -- 107, 107 Nick Bensema -- 115, 115, 107 Frank Celsius -- 107, 99 ...I had expected a wider variation. Let's look at another thread: Subject: Computers are so STY00PID!!! 14 doctoraaron@mindless.com 37 "Juergen Nieveler" 29 rsholmes@rodan.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes) 61 jsavard@tenMAPSONeerf.edmonton.ab.ca (John Savard) 37 Clancy Dalebout 46 twillis@sound.net (Theresa Willis) 9 beable@my-dejanews.com 54 twillis@sound.net (Theresa Willis) 25 haon4707@my-dejanews.com 53 slanning@buphy.bu.edu (Scott Lanning) 41 "Donald Tees" 30 Robert Billing 33 Max F Lang 14 Robert Billing 45 Sadler Micky 49 deke.spamblock@generous.net 49 "Donald Tees" Interestingly, this thread makes my newsreader claim that Terri has an IQ of 46 or 54, which I'm sure is not accurate. The whole thread was docked points for certain orthographical/mechanical/typographical characteristics of the "Subject:" header, most notably the "!!!" part. Poor B. Eable got an astoundingly low score for an article which quoted a lot of text, added a few lines of capitals, and appended the standard DejaNews .signature -- and more importantly, the article was cross-posted to three newsgroups, was a followup to a followup to a followup to a followup, and it's relatively old compared to some of the other articles listed. Among the "wider" threads in a.r.k in this day's sample (those threads which have the most articles per day are "wide", those that persist for weeks are "long" or "deep") those two threads probably represent the extrema. Note that a particular thread tends to have its own skewage of IQ values. Let's follow the same poster through several threads. Here are all my articles for the past week (except for one anomalous entry which triggered something, and has been omitted) sorted in order of descending IQ: 161 Kibo Laverne & Shirley 159 Kibo Re: Christmas 1998 Spot Story Topic Not Unveiled 159 Kibo Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. 159 Kibo Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. 159 Kibo Oh no! 156 Kibo Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. 155 Kibo The Nobel Prize For Me, 1998 153 Kibo I feel dirty. 152 Kibo Re: lawsuit on std.com (long) 150 Kibo Re: Interactive TV Poised To Begin 150 Kibo Re: Believe in Okra and be ye saved? 149 Kibo Re: BOTTLE OF BEES 149 Kibo "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" 2000 149 Kibo A Brief Commercial Message. 147 Kibo SPOT THE VAMPIRE 1999 145 Kibo Things That Are On The TV News Only When They Happen By Accident. 144 Kibo Christmas 1998 Spot Story Topic Not Unveiled 144 Kibo Meme I don't have any use for. 143 Kibo "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" 141 Kibo Re: Continued 138 Kibo Re: Salting soda machines 137 Kibo Re: BITS AND PIECES...12/03 137 Kibo Re: "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" 137 Kibo Re: The Continuing Adventures of Payroll Boy 136 Kibo Re: Odd urban public library responses from city of Boston Public 135 Kibo Re: lawsuit on AOL (long) 135 Kibo Re: Calling of Phoenix, Sam, Kibo, MacGiggle as witnesses 135 Kibo Re: theory of motions 135 Kibo Re: christmas present 133 Kibo Re: Question for KT 132 Kibo Re: The Continuing Adventures of Payroll Boy 132 Kibo Re: I feel dirty. 132 Kibo Re: theory of motions 132 Kibo Re: Recording your own voice into talking ponies 132 Kibo Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 129 Kibo Re: NET KOOK WARNING (WAS: Re: Slowing down by age 48; bicycle 126 Kibo Re: Roddenberry, Klingons, the Bible? 125 Kibo Re: IMPORTANT: Wed. TV Interview 125 Kibo Re: Will Kibo grant me an indulgence? 125 Kibo Re: Andy Rooney's Car Stolen 121 Kibo Re: Patent for a new type of derailleur; 4DEC99 121 Kibo Re: Question for KT 121 Kibo Re: Leah's New Page 120 Kibo Re: Andy Rooney's Car Stolen 119 Kibo Re: Part-time teletubbies auction moderator job, starts tomorrow? 119 Kibo Re: Photo Gallery: nature, flowers, animals, erotics, crashes. 119 Kibo Re: BOKKS AND WHERE TO GET THEM! 118 Kibo Re: El Pachuko, Edward James Olmos Will Be My "Dracula"! Who Here 116 Kibo Re: wITHOUT GOD 116 Kibo Re: Andy Rooney's Car Stolen 116 Kibo Re: Cavedog Sells Out TA:K? 116 Kibo Re: DELURK NOW 116 Kibo Re: DELURK NOW 114 Kibo Re: Looking for remote control replacement(Synapze) 109 Kibo Re: wise sayings on maths? 108 Kibo Re: Stalking laws Re: Freedom of Speech vs. Freedom to Lawsuit 104 Kibo Re: Roddenberry, Klingons, the Bible? 94 Kibo Re: Freedom of Speech vs. Freedom to Lawsuit 91 Kibo Re: Gary's "Titanic" Memory Lapses 81 Kibo Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 79 Kibo Re: Dodgeball vice bonfire Re: Edu theory: continuous assessing 76 Kibo Re: Babylon 5 is OVER! 75 Kibo Re: designing the world's most beautiful architectural building 71 Kibo Re: I demand more weirdness from my job!! !! !! Amazingly, my post about the final season of "Laverne & Shirley" got the highest IQ value here. Note how the less-exciting threads -- the long-running ones, the ones consisting mainly of short non-sequiturs, the comments on comments on comments -- tended to sort towards the bottom and the more prose-oriented ones, the non-followups, and the ones that have lowercase letters tended to move upwards. (This is as I intended, of course. The whole point of this algorithm is to allow the computer to automatically predict the interest level in each article.) Let's compare Terri's recent history, just because her name popped out of that second thread: 105 Theresa Willis Re: help us! 101 Theresa Willis Re: Another Sign of the Apocolypse 97 Theresa Willis Re: Leah's New Page 96 Theresa Willis Re: Celebration on the anniversay of one's birth 89 Theresa Willis Re: Dear Santa 88 Theresa Willis Re: A story about a soire I attended. 87 Theresa Willis Re: What is Kibology? 83 Theresa Willis Re: Please entertain me 81 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 80 Theresa Willis Re: IHNJH 80 Theresa Willis Re: GIMME! GIMME! 76 Theresa Willis Re: theory of motions 75 Theresa Willis Re: Please entertain me 75 Theresa Willis Re: theory of motions 75 Theresa Willis Re: Serious science 73 Theresa Willis Re: Will Kibo grant me an indulgence? 71 Theresa Willis Re: GIMME! GIMME! 70 PTerri PWillis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 66 Theresa Willis Re: The Continuing Adventures of Payroll Boy 64 Theresa Willis Re: GIMME! GIMME! 63 Theresa Willis Re: Believe in Okra and be ye saved? 62 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 62 Theresa Willis Re: Another Sign of the Apocolypse 62 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 62 Theresa Willis (That Stacia Chyk) Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 61 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 61 Theresa Willis Re: www.sleepbot.com 9 12/7/98 11:05 AM 60 Theresa Willis Re: Leah's New Page 58 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 58 Theresa Willis Re: A story about a soire I attended. 57 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 56 Theresa Willis Re: DELURK NOW 55 Theresa Willis Re: Computers are so STY00PID!!! 54 Theresa Willis Re: Computers are so STY00PID!!! 50 Theresa Willis Re: Dear Santa 49 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 46 Theresa Willis Re: Computers are so STY00PID!!! 45 Theresa Willis Re: www.sleepbot.com 43 Theresa Willis Re: Computers are so STY00PID!!! 39 Theresa Willis Re: Important announcement: newsgroup closures 39 Theresa Willis Re: GIMME! GIMME! 36 Theresa Willis Re: DELURK NOW 30 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 30 Theresa Willis Re: Dodgeball vice bonfire Re: Edu theory: continuous 23 Theresa Willis Re: DELURK NOW 23 Theresa Willis Re: GIMME! GIMME! 23 Theresa Willis Re: DELURK NOW 19 Theresa Willis Re: Important announcement: newsgroup closures 16 Theresa Willis Re: Computers are so STY00PID!!! 5 Theresa Willis Re: Computers are so STY00PID!!! Waah! Terri's still not doing as well as she should. Oh well, she's Blue Level so all her posts get an effective score around 4000. (The IQ values are usually overridden by filters which look for specific authors and subjects and threads and keywords; the IQ scores are a means of sorting generic articles which are otherwise untagged, and thus the IQ filters work in any newsgroup.) For comparison, let's look at scores of articles from some other a.r.k notables: 155 Stephen Will Tanner More sturm! Less drang! 154 Stephen Will Tanner There is too much porn in this post. 151 Stephen Will Tanner WWSWTD? or...TWO AND A HALF DRUGS. 139 Stephen Will Tanner Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. 63 Stephen Will Tanner Re: Dear Santa (Nick Bensema's scores could not be computed at this moment because some of his 103 recent articles are in a special kind of limbo because things are expiring while I'm trying to compute. Sorry.) 118 Leah Verre Obey your Thirst! 117 Leah Verre IMPORTANT: Wed. TV Interview 116 Leah Verre Re: A story about a soire I attended. 115 Leah Verre Re: BITS AND PIECES...12/03 111 Leah Verre A REMINDEr 107 Leah Verre Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 105 Leah Verre Re: Post-modernism question 103 Leah Verre Re: Celebration on the anniversay of one's birth 101 Leah Verre Re: Space: 1999 99 Leah Verre Re: A REMINDEr 96 Leah Verre Re: DELURK NOW 95 Leah Verre Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 95 Leah Verre Re: Dodgeball vice bonfire Re: Edu theory: continuous 93 Leah Verre Re: Leah's New Page 91 Leah Verre Re: What is it about the Holidays? 88 Leah Verre Re: Good quotes, anyone? 88 Leah Verre Re: Furby Autopsy 87 Leah Verre Re: Taco Bell's Wacky Patents 87 Leah Verre Re: What is Kibology? 85 Leah Verre Re: Taco Bell's Wacky Patents 84 Leah Verre Re: We must all band together! 83 Leah Verre Re: More red/plum hair color experiments 83 Leah Verre Re: A REMINDEr 76 Leah Verre To Kibo: Important! WebTV Interview!! 72 Leah Verre Re: Good quotes, anyone? 65 Leah Verre Re: BEWARE LEAH'S WEB SITE!1!!1!! 63 Leah Verre Re: DELURK NOW 60 Leah Verre Re: Good quotes, anyone? 59 Leah Verre Re: DELURK NOW 59 Leah Verre Re: DELURK NOW 56 Leah Verre Re: Good quotes, anyone? 131 Matt McIrvin Re: What is it about the Holidays? 129 Matt McIrvin Re: "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" 129 Matt McIrvin Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 89 Matt McIrvin Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 129 Matt McIrvin Re: Laverne & Shirley 129 Matt McIrvin Re: Leah's New Page 127 Matt McIrvin Re: Pokey the Penguin 121 Matt McIrvin Re: The Continuing Adventures of Payroll Boy 120 Matt McIrvin Re: The letter Q. 113 Matt McIrvin Re: Dear Santa 108 Matt McIrvin Re: Good quotes, anyone? 104 Matt McIrvin Re: Babylon 5 is OVER! 103 Matt McIrvin Re: AA's Web blindness 80 Matt McIrvin Re: Dodgeball vice bonfire Re: Edu theory: continuous 87 Matt McIrvin Re: Dodgeball vice bonfire Re: Edu theory: continuous 122 Sheldon Gartner Re: How North Korea Could Win A Second Korean War 113 Sheldon Gartner Will Kibo grant me an indulgence? 110 Sheldon Gartner Re: How North Korea Could Win A Second Korean War 105 Sheldon Gartner Re: wife wants sex with co-worker 158 Don Saklad Reason or rationale -For attribution contact dsaklad@gnu.or 154 Don Saklad Reference question about reference questions -For attributio 139 Don Saklad NYC librarians' local sues union 134 Don Saklad Re: Reference question about reference services 133 Don Saklad Feedback -Focus group 132 Don Saklad Boston Public Library focus groups for library users/custome 106 Don Saklad Re: I feel dirty. 98 Don Saklad Re: Reason or rationale -Reply Oh dear, there's something wrong here. At least Don Saklad's library paranoia got ONE article below 100, but he's still warping the curve. I'm going to have to do some more tweaking before I publish the algorithm for all to enjoy. This is a fairly simple algorithm; although the case could be made that this is an artificial-intelligence-based filtering system employing a fuzzy-state machine, it could also be called a very large scorefile. Essentially, it's a large scorefile (I have about 700 total filters which run across all groups, some of said filters having been disabled for purposes of this test to eliminate the Blue Level, Purple Level, etc. bonuses) which could be implemented in many popular newsreaders. (Now, if I wanted to write my own newsreader, I'd have it also generate the score based on more interesting criteria involving things like keywords in the article text, length of lines, nomber of blank lines, length of words, length of sentences, etc., and someday I may have the energy to do that.) What have we learned from this silly little test? Well, despite that my algorithm has access only to your metadata -- which, on the Internet, does not (normally) include you gender -- it seems to think that boys are smarter than girls. I think that either Terri and Leah are bozos (which is unlikely, as they're among my favorite authors in a.r.k) or else I have stumbled upon something marvelous and am not actually measuring people's IQ but their masculinity/femininity. In other words, I have accidentally discovered the solution to the Turing Test! Simply let a computer judge the IQ of the unknown person and if he's stupid then he's a girl. After studying several other batches of scores, I also perceive a pattern along the lines of "Those who post the most articles tend to have a slightly lower average score than those who post a moderate amount of articles, while those who post few articles have the lowest score." In other words, if statistical analysis of the data were to show this correlation (if my perceptions are not wacko) it would imply that you will be smartest if you make about 10 to 20 posts a week, get bumped down a few notches if you make 40 to 100, and be ignored completely if you post only once a year. (Especially on those weeks when you don't post.) For instance, during this week, Captain Infinity's 9 examined articles ranged from 161 to 75; Frogman's 29 ranged from 140 to 46; Clancy Dalebout's 88 ranged from 123 to 35. This could help explain the above results regarding Terri and Leah (frequent posters) and Lee Shelton Bumgarner and Don Saklad (infrequent posters). The reason why frequency appears to be linked to score is unknown, though there are a few obvious hypotheses: selectivity in choice of articles to respond to, able to spend more time per article, or perhaps the people with less time are filtering out more of the poorer articles and thus respond only in high-value threads. So far we've only looked at scores for threads and authors in alt.religion.kibology. Because this is my favorite newsgroup, we can assume that the filters may be better "adapted" to it than to random newsgroups. Let's check out some other newsgroups, both ones which I read and ones I've never before examined. In sci.physics.particle (a group I follow and contribute to), a few articles get zapped by my anti-spam/kook/flamewar filters. Other than those, here are the extrema of the recent traffic: 155 "Shih-Chang Chao" Call For Papers - ICAST 99 152 vergon@rglobal.net (Vertner Vergon) Clarification of SR Anomalies 135 "David Deyell" Fundamental particle at 2(n+1)h/8c Kg. will validate a new wave equation - feedback pls 1 132 "Lubomir Vlcek" VLCEK against EINSTEIN 131 jac@ibms48.scri.fsu.edu (Jim Carr) Re: Neutrino Oscillations: Unphysical, if real 131 rclark7083@aol.com (RClark7083) lasers and vacuum statistics 128 scottb@ucr.campuscw.net (Scott Begg) Help! A legitimate question regarding nonlocality... 128 Max Keon An Alternative Atom. 127 atomcom2@xoommail.com (Bob Lee Doler) Quantum Weirdness, and big bang 127 jac@ibms48.scri.fsu.edu (Jim Carr) Re: Neutrino Oscillations--new insight 127 jwill@pacbell.net Consolidated ... Neutrino Oscillations are Unphysical 126 "Mike Wales" The New Physics 124 Nathan Hiller Ampere's law 124 "Lubomir Vlcek" VLCEK against NEWTON 120 star1ship@aol.com (STAR1SHIP) Particle vs object velocities 120 kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Re: 34: HYASYS theory and gravity as Coulomb 120 Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Archimedes Plutonium) Special Relativity analogy to Natural Numbers = p-adics 120 "Mike Wales" action/interaction 119 jac@ibms48.scri.fsu.edu (Jim Carr) Re: Consolidated Weak Questions and Neutrino Oscillations 117 "Custos" Heard about a split electron 116 Nathan Hiller Charge on outside surface [...most of the 344 articles are omitted...] 32 vergon@my-dejanews.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 32 "ralph sansbury" Re: SR Evidence Is One Sided 31 vergon@my-dejanews.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 31 Peter Retsinas Re: Nuclear Weapons eMail List 30 torquemada@my-dejanews.com Re: Why aren't Electrons sucked into the Nucleus, and what keeps the Nucleus 30 "J.L.Gaasenbeek" Re: Self Work (F*d) ?? 29 john@petcom.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 28 The Runos Re: Nuclear Weapons eMail List 25 john@petcom.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 23 john@petcom.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 21 john@petcom.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 20 fcathell@aol.com (Fcathell) Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 20 john@petcom.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 18 "J.L.Gaasenbeek" Re: Self Work = 0 ?? 18 Ian@Goddard.net (Ian Goddard) Re: Self Work = 0 ?? 10 Ian@Goddard.net (Ian Goddard) Re: Self Work = 0 ?? 6 Ian@Goddard.net (Ian Goddard) Re: Self Work = 0 ?? 2 Ian@Goddard.net (Ian Goddard) Re: Self Work = 0 ?? -10 "J.L.Gaasenbeek" Re: Self Work = 0 ?? -10 "J.L.Gaasenbeek" Re: Self Work = 0 ?? -14 "J.L.Gaasenbeek" Re: Self Work = 0 ?? -22 "J.L.Gaasenbeek" Re: Self Work = 0 ?? The thread at the bottom was a long thread (many older articles, with many "References:" in the headers) containing short articles. I.e. the algorithm can sort of distinguish between an on-going chat or flamewar and globs of original content based on the weights assigned to conditions such as the length of the post, the number of references cited, whether or not it is a followup (those last two are related items) as well as other factors. The -22 score is an exceptionally low one, caused by an exceptionally long tete-a-tete consisting of short replies to short replies to short replies by the two authors. Other than that, the algorithm had no information available about the authors themselves or the contents of the articles -- it simply assigned the low ranking based on the available header data. Here are the most recent articles in misc.rural, a group I do not read or contribute to (and no other a.r.k "regulars" are spotted in this list). Apologies for the messy formatting. I realize you can't gauge the quality of these articles from their "Subject:" headers (any more than my algorithm can do it from all the headers) but this should demonstrate that my method yields a distribution of values roughly comprable to human IQ scores. (When I realized the distribution of the protoype scores was centered on a particular value some months ago, I added a constant and a scaling factor to recenter the values on 100 and make most of them fall within 50 to 150.) 127 ken.hoover@DIE.SPAM.DIE.yale.edu (Ken Hoover) Correct way to leave woodburner overnight? 127 bbs1@ptbo.igs.net (Camper) Shortwave Radio 123 backcut@aol.com (BACKCUT) Chain Saws and their Safe Useage 116 strider@ShadowMAC.org (Raul Almquist) Re: Deluxe 4 Person, 1 Year Food Supply 116 strider@ShadowMAC.org (Raul Almquist) Re: Deluxe 4 Person, 1 Year Food Supply 115 nhull@mindspring.com (Nick Hull) Re: Correct way to leave woodburner overnight? 115 nhull@mindspring.com (Nick Hull) Re: Tractors-2WD vs. 4WD 111 vandy@avana.net Re: White pine stump ideas 111 amirza@copper.ucs.indiana.edu (bikerbabe in black leather) Re: Correct way to leave woodburner overnight? 107 sandy@roundthebend.com (Sandy Kear) Re: Chain Saws and their Safe Useage 107 mel sorg Re: Mice in car engines 107 ". ." Re: Mice in car engines 107 vandy@avana.net Re: Anyone raise chickens for a living? 107 "Maggie Roediger" Re: NC Mountains 103 "Robert & Patricia Roberson" Re: turkey vultures 103 "Sarah Mondol and Kathy Thering" Mice in car engines 103 kj@jaf.nildramNOSPAM.co.uk (KJ - Falling Apart) Re: Quorndon Village Magazine now online. 103 John E Sanford Re: Old Wisconsin Engine 99 backcut@aol.com (BACKCUT) Re: Chain Saws and their Safe Useage 99 strider@ShadowMAC.org (Raul Almquist) Re: Trespassers & dumpers 95 Val Re: Mice in car engines 95 Debbie Re: Mice in car engines 95 "Donovan White" Re: Pot Holes 95 xczerotsmx@cris.com Re: Correct way to leave woodburner overnight? 95 y_2_k@writeme.com Re: Deluxe 4 Person, 1 Year Food Supply 92 FP Re: Quorndon Village Magazine now online. 92 tomh@tx3.com Re: Trespassers & dumpers 91 lehunger@aol.com (LEHunger) Re: Brushpiles 91 wwooton@aol.com (WWooton) Re: White pine stump ideas 83 "Janet" Re: millennium villages? 76 cyndylou@my-dejanews.com Re: Deluxe 4 Person, 1 Year Food Supply 75 drizler@yahoo.com Re: Mice in car engines 71 cyndylou@my-dejanews.com Re: Trespassers & dumpers 64 R Bishop Re: Help with homeowners assoc. 55 tomh@tx3.com Re: Can you drop long distance telephone service? 53 chip hopper Re: translucent fiberglass roof panels VS. PVC for part of pole barn roof???? 30 drizler@yahoo.com translucent fiberglass roof panels VS. PVC for part of pole barn roof???? 29 "Donovan White" Re: translucent fiberglass roof panels VS. PVC for part of pole barn roof???? 8 12/10/98 9:38 PM It would be interesting to plot the distribution to see what shape of curve it makes. It's likely not a perfect bell, but must be some sort of vaguely Gaussian distribution... Note that the scores for the "despammed" (killed) articles are not shown. Those would be in the range of -1000 (to ensure that they stay below 0 no matter how many IQ points they are assigned.) Spam articles which get by the despam filters usually sort towards the bottom of the IQ range, but some do show up at the top, because some versions of "MAKE.MONEY.FAST" have enough content (and no references, often no cross-posts) to move upwards if the filters don't detect any giveaways in the "Subject:" header itself (such as the words "make" and "money" in proximity.) The methods of killing the spam are a separate topic; for purposes of this experiment, the spam that was killed is not shown. Let's try one other newsgroup I've never read before. rec.pets.birds. This turned out to be a high-traffic group, and 1266 articles from the past two weeks were examined: 142 "Ron Smith" Cockatoo for Sale 141 "The Mud-Duck" Season's Breetings 138 "The Mud-Duck" Too Much TV 4 132 petcrows@bigfoot.com (Jonathan Higbee) Carolina Parakeet.... 129 cherohkee@aol.com (CherOhkee) Twas' the Night Before Christmas Parrot Style 127 Kevin Thurston Multiple birds 126 beladonna99@usa.net (Bella Donna) New Bird Mommy 125 warchild@poboxes.com (Chris) Umbrella Cockatoo looking for new home - Texas 125 Chet Swanson Budgie Resources on the Internet 125 "Bryan K. Wilson" Christmas Scarlet Poem 124 "Musti" Meyer's Parrot and Canary Winged Parakeet For Sale 124 Tim and Denise Antler aftermath of December 1st (sorry, very long). 124 "bumprr" My apoligie to toucanlady, My stories, mamabirds rudness and the requests to cont. Katie my Caique or 4 Parrots and a Boat [...] 10 toucanldy@aol.com (Toucanldy) Re: Lessons Learned 10 lawgan@rmci.net Fat 'Keet?? 10 Liz Day Re: Fat 'Keet?? 10 baminals@aol.com (Baminals) Re: Hmm... Any Ideas??? 10 jackienw@aol.com (JackieNW) Re: Adoption help/???'s 10 mammacag@aol.com (MAMMACAG) Re: Diapers for bird! Go figure!! 9 "Dan Spencer" Re: Double Death 4 six66666@hotmail.com Re: Cats and catnip 2 pier6sealions@webtv.net (Doug Cook) Re: Hmm... Any Ideas??? 2 pier6sealions@webtv.net (Doug Cook) Re: Lessons Learned 2 Alexx1200@webtv.net (Alex Clayton) Re: lovebird questions ??? 1 parrotress@aol.com (Parrotress) Re: New Post-I Like Birds! (But I'm cured!!) -1 "Mamabird" Re: New Post-I Like Birds! (But I'm cured!!) -1 (Moebius) HEALTH QUESTION RE MACAW!!! -4 hsbbwebtyler@webtv.net (helen sanders) Re: Elliot the CAG Is All Mine! -4 hsbbwebtyler@webtv.net (helen sanders) Re: Abbreviations for newcomers -6 kennyod@aol.com (Kennyod) Re: Diapers for bird! Go figure!! -6 lawgan@rmci.net Re: Fat 'Keet?? -6 toucanldy@aol.com (Toucanldy) Re: Fat 'Keet?? -8 six66666@hotmail.com Re: Toronto Pet bylaws that may make your pet Illegal. :( -8 hsbbwebtyler@webtv.net (helen sanders) Re: First word -8 hsbbwebtyler@webtv.net (helen sanders) Re: ducky said his first word today! -10 Corinella Community Centre Public Access test -14 camry747@aol.comnoQspam (Camry747) Re: Lessons Learned -14 hsbbwebtyler@webtv.net (helen sanders) Re: HELP!!!! -18 Alexx1200@webtv.net (Alex Clayton) Re: Hmm... Any Ideas??? -18 six66666@hotmail.com Re: HELP!!!! -41 bnich@bellatlantic.net Bird Toys at Wholesale Prices -41 bnich@bellatlantic.net Bird Toys at Wholesale Prices -44 langgang@mindless.com Paint in aviary ...the articles with extremely low scores tend to be one-line posts; The formula mapping length of posts onto a numeric contribution to the overall score is shaped so as to penalize both very short and very long articles. However, as a very long article may be something interesting (like this very article!) or a long piece of spam, the weight for "article is over 1000 lines" can't be high enough to change its score dramatically, while the weight for "article is under 2 lines" reflects that nobody can say anything truly worthwhile in a one-line post. (Those are always either a piece of spam containing only a URL, or a fragment such as "Me Too!" or "unsubscribe" with no content or context.) Different newsgroups appear to have different IQ distributions; rec.pets.birds appears to be centered around approximately 85 IQ, while alt.religion.kibology is centered around approximately 95. I suspect the differences are in part due to differing levels of experience among the average contributors to the different newsgroups, and in part due to the differences in the number of posts per day. (Also, because age of articles is factored in, we must remember that some of the rec.pets.birds articles above are two weeks old, while we only looked at a.r.k articles from within the past week.) It would be interesting to set up a program to automatically compile IQ statistics for each author, each thread, each newsgroup, and each hierarchy just to see what patterns emerge. (Or to uncover fatal flaws in this article-ranking algorithm which produces scores that we like to pretend are similar to IQs in scale, with no actual connection.) I repeat, these things aren't REALLY IQ scores, so don't write in and complain that your "Paint in aviary" article was ranked at forty-four below zero, way below Don Saklad's "Reason or rationale". -- K. This article, of course, will score very well. After all, it's new, it's long, it's not a crosspost, it's not a followup, and it's ALL MINE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 04:53:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [snip parts not about me] Me me or you me? We really need to start attributing our snips. Like this: [snipped by Kibo] It's too bad you'll never find out what my suggestion on the previous line was. > > Interestingly, this thread makes my newsreader claim that Terri has > > an IQ of 46 or 54, which I'm sure is not accurate. > > Maybe not accurate, but flattering just the same. Maybe someday, > if I work really hard and really wash really a lot of dishes, I, > too, will be a super-genius with an IQ of 46 or 54. I should point out that, except when I'm eating out, I eat only off paper plates (except for TV dinners, which have their own trays), disposable plastic bowls, and disposable plastic flatware. AND I DON'T WASH NONE OF THEM NEITHER!!! I do have A PAN that I have to wash a LOT. So because of this I will schedule myself to apply for a patent on DISPOSABLE, UNWASHABLE PANS and I now have exactly 364.99999999 days before I need to start inventing it. Then, nobody will need to wash dishes every again! Except for Archie, because that's the only way he can get Internet access, or so he claims. -- K. I know, I'll invent a way people can dial up the Internet from their homes for a low monthly fee! I'm sure Archie would love anyone who invented Internet Service Providers! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:37:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor doctoraaron@mindless.com, whose "real name" was eaten by his WebTV, wrote: > > [...] > > I hope I misread that; I'd hate to think I'm dumber than my WebTV. Older than Bob Hope, too. -- K. And with shorter pants than Donald Duck. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:35:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) warbled: > > > > So because of this I will schedule myself to apply for a patent on > > DISPOSABLE, UNWASHABLE PANS and I now have exactly 364.99999999 days > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > Needless to say, IWPTA "disposable, unwashable pants". Yes, but at least I don't wear disposable WASHABLE pants. YOU'LL NEVER USE TOILET PAPER AGAIN NOW THAT THERE'S TOILET UNDERWEAR! I'm sorry. I didn't invent it, I just made it up. -- K. I HAVE THE FLU AND A FEVER AND I THINK THAT THE INTERNET IS REAL. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 04:29:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > I quit. Don't go! You just scored 107! I think that's a new record for a girl! (I am not sexist. It's just that my computer is, because all computers are inherently male, except on "Star Trek".) > When the only mention of me in a 568-line post about ARK denizens is a > vague reference to when Terri posted as "That Stacia Chyk", it's time to go. I thought about omitting her lame Plutonium-style forgery of you (she didn't even pronounce your name right! It's "stack-ya", right?) but I included it so you wouldn't feel left out. and Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) replied: > > Yeah, that's why I'm in alt.religion.kibology. For the GLAMOR. For some reason, that scored 111. Hmm. It appears to be because it was a couple lines longer than Stacia's because you quoted her. HEY EVERYONE LET'S ALL QUOTE STACIA SO WE'LL BE SMARTER THAN HER!!! WE FOUND AN ABOVE-AVERAGE GIRL WE CAN EXPLOIT!!!! Anyway, those extra three lines pushed it up from the "10 to 14 lines" bracket to the "15 to 24 lines" bracket (I need to break these down further) so Nick got 8 extra points. So if we take away Nick's extra points for putting your words in your mouth in his post, you got 107 (with no quoting) and his post, minus eight lines of quoting, would have come in shorter than yours and he would have been in the "5 to 9 lines" bracket with a score of 95. So, Stacia, please come back, we love you even if you're smarter than men. Tell you what -- if you come back, we can pretend to be married for a day. -- K. (My choice of day.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 00:54:55 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, despite that my algorithm has access only to your metadata -- > > which, on the Internet, does not (normally) include you[r] gender -- > > it seems to think that boys are smarter than girls. I think that either > > Terri and Leah are bozos (which is unlikely, as they're among my favorite > > authors in a.r.k) or else I have stumbled upon something marvelous and > > am not actually measuring people's IQ but their masculinity/femininity. > > In other words, I have accidentally discovered the solution to the > > Turing Test! Simply let a computer judge the IQ of the unknown person > > and if he's stupid then he's a girl. > > Actually, as you stated yourself, your system isn't designed to measure > IQ so much as measure the likelihood that you will want to read the > posts. > > I imagine that when we get to see your magic system, there will be > some slight skew towards masculine topics, or at least those topics > that chyx don't bother posting about, as if your scorefile favored > posts about beer and the Three Stooges, and demerited posts about > tampons and sales at Mervyn's. Yes, but the filters do not promote *anything* based on the *contents* of "Subject:". They look only at the mechanics (length, capitalization, etc.) and there are some de-spam filters that dock things with certain words (permutations of "make money", phone numbers, etc.) So your theory has just been proven to be WRONG, which makes you A GIRL!!!! Filters which highlight things based on keywords (a rather dubious way to auto-select things, in my experience) promote things to color-coded levels much above the IQ scores (e.g. if I were to highlight "Boston" it would be flagged in red and promoted a few hundred points.) None of those filters were involved in the "IQ" computations here, otherwise all Green Level posts (from me) would have come out at about 16150, etc. The IQ filters are designed to be completely agnostic as to usernames (although they do look at domains) and the meaning of the "Subject:" header, the newsgroup name, or the content of the post, to make them usable on random newsgroups with topics that aren't known. Building a filter to select or kill threads based on particular strings of letters is not only a very newsgroup-specific way of doing things, but it requires you to predict in advance what the possible sets of words (and spellings) of good topics are. My algorithm is designed to be the "tie-breaker" which sort things which are not tagged by such specific desires/antipathies so that the "vast unlabelled bulk of the Black Zone" will prioritize things a little. > Or, perhaps the computer thinks you're gay. Look for the gay option > in your scorefile and set it to FALSE, this should clear it up. But I'm not using Dartmouth InterNews 2.02. I'm using a MEN'S newsreader. -- K. EM-TEE EN-DOUBLE-YOU FOR MEN, MEN, MEN ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 07:55:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor B. Chas Parisher (bang@netcom.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) sez: > > > > 96 [IQ] bang@netcom.com (B. Chas Parisher) > > This post scored high because I followed up James "Kibo" Parry with a > self referential top ten list that morphed into a mini cascade. This > frightens me. Uh, yeah, 96, that's a right high IQ. You're almost smarter than nearly half of the kids who are average! A 96 IQ is not as good as, say, a "96" on your algebra test. Even at Schenectady County Community College, where I saw someone's "Algebra" homework (midway through the second semester) and the first problem was: 1/2 = .50000000 1/4 = _________ I was in the "Calculus" class, which kicked off its first week with: GRAPH THE EQUATION "X < 3" ON THIS NUMBER LINE: o-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+---> 0 1 2 3 4 5 (I've told this story before, I know.) I had to take that BOZO "Calculus" class even though I had already taken three semesters of calc at a tech school -- you know, real stuff that actually had calculus in it, like the little dee things and the skinny ess things -- but when I transfered to Mickey Mouse Community College to load up on easy "A"s while I fleed a specialized school I didn't like and shopped for a different kind of specialized school I would like, Schenectady County Community College refused to process my transcript from RPI until just over HALFWAY THROUGH THE FIRST SEMESTER and they forced me to take bozo "Calculus I" even though I kept telling them I had already had Calc III at a REAL college. The teacher liked to collect the homework at random -- I never did it because it didn't count towards the grade. One day she chastised me in class for never doing my homework (I literally NEVER did any) and I said, "I got an 'A' in Calc I already at RPI." I spent that whole semester sitting in the back of the room in the seat nearest the door doodling. If I recall, I got a 98 on the final. I think the homework actually counted as something like 2% of the final grade, but since SCCC graded on the A/B/C/D/F system, I knew I was in for a trivial 'A'. Obviously this state-run school assumed that people often passed through the New York State high school system without being able to tie their own shoes, and that all the ones who could had gone to real schools. Anyway, I took my glob of 'A's (as well as the all-time highest score on the Math Club's math contest -- 83, the record was fifty-something) and ran away to Emerson College where I studied something which had nothing to do with any of the hard stuff from RPI or the wimpy stuff from SCCC. And I learned everything there is to know about bad TV shows. Some day when I feel like being mocked for the rest of my life I'll tell you about the bozo who was in the "Algebra" class. But I don't think I'll do that for a while. I've suffered enough by just being forced to be in the same room with this person at a school where the primary majors were Culinary Arts and Travel & Tourism. > --B. Chas "who's scoring system doesn't display nearly as much emergent > behavior, much less a rudimentary intelligence" Parisher It's not really emergent behavior, it's emetic behavior. Also, your scoring system misspelled "whose". -- K. Unless you learned English from Binkles Bunny and Dopey The Dingbat in "Who's Shoes?" WHOOSH! I'M 98 PAST THE McIRVIN LIMIT! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Meme I don't have any use for. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 10:01:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "zeppelinzer torture". I can't think of anything to do with it, so you can have it. Use it for good, use it for evil, meme does not allow wearer to fly. -- K. I suggest connecting it to that Spanish-language game show, "SUPER BLA-BLAZO". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Oh no! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 01:09:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor TV Guide has just undergone an ugly, ugly redesign. (I'm talking about the print version, for those of you reading this in the distant future -- TV Guide was originally a magazine.) But that's not the horrible part. THEY'VE DROPPED THE LETTERS TO THE EDITOR PAGE! This means that next year we won't be able to play the "Shatner or Twirling Boy?" party game at any alt.religion.kibology gatherings. Just imagine, no more of: Dear TV Guide, How dare you insult "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch" by calling it "an acceptable piece of light entertainment"? I may be only sixteen but the network that produces the show, whichever one it is, had better learn that me and both of my friends have a demographic! Try harder next time! Floyd Jones Waco, Texas ...and Archimedes Plutonium will now never get his letter about the Plutonium Atom Totality published in EVERY magazine. TV GUIDE IS PART OF THE CONSPIRACY!!! Anyway, I say we should all write to TV Guide and demand that they start accepting letters from their readers. Especially the dumb ones. -- K. I liked the one which said that Tara Lipinski's twirling in a skating rink "distinguished us as a species". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A further explanation Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 09:20:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com ) wrote: > > > > P.S. Other Utah news: They spilled a lot of liquid hydrogen by my > > house. But I'm ok. YOU GOT YOUR LIQUID HYDROGEN IN MY PEANUT BUTTER!!! Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > For some reason this reminds me of a holiday classic: > > We three kings of Orient are > Tried to smoke a rubber cigar > It was loaded and exploded > Now we're on yonder star That was performed by the dynamic duo of Shatner & Nimoy in the episode titled "Plato's Retarded Little Brother" by Shari Lewis and Walter Koenig, right? The episode ends with Kirk saying to Ensign Lupus, "Set course... YONDER, BOY!!!" That was back before Gene Roddenberry said you had to have reached puberty or be as tall as the sign to fly the Enterprise, which is why they fired Walter Koenig and he took up writing and cranked out masterpieces such as "Buck Alice And The Actor Robot In The 25th Century" and "Chekov: A Terrible Aspect". Oh dear, I think Matt needs to explain all that. > I am NOT going to say anything else about loads and rubber cigars. I think that instead of making toddlers wear rubber pants they should just be made to live in rubber houses than can be hosed down by the Government. Can you tell I have the flu? I can't say things like that well. Well, I can't say well that well when I am well. > Anyway, you should have saved the hydrogen and started your own space > program, like in that show with Andy Griffith, only you would have needed > Mono-Hydrazine. Not to mention some of that opaque green motor oil which comes out of garbage subjected to your secret bacteria. > And you would have to use the Trans-Linear Vector System > which is much smarter than the dumb old physics they use at NASA. Because NASA was founded in 1958 and they just coasted all the way to the present day, but the TLVS keeps accelerating all the way to the Moon until the moment of landing, so you come down so hard you don't bounce!!! > I know all about space 'cause my moon car won an honorable mention > on Pixeltime. As the little floating head from the Atari 2600 version of Racter says: --> THE ASTRONAUT MOON CAR WINS AN HONORABLE MENTION! --> mmcirvin@world.std.com, YOU HAVE TRUE TALENT AND A CLASSY, FUTURISTIC --> VISION! VERILY, I WISH WE LIVED IN A WORLD OF YOUR DEVISING! I note that Matt was attempting to draw a photo-realistic version of a 1970-era lunar rover, like the one that Dave Foley used to run over his camera before he quit the Kids In The Hall and joined Mr. Show because the Kids In The Hall weren't open to the idea of the cast members all being married. To each other. So anyway, I think the little Pez dispenser head was being sarcastic. Or, to be more precise, carsastic. Matt, I'm going to CC: this to Mike Jittlov so that you can explain all this to him, and to point out that you can beat him at both Battle-Girl and Pixeltime. -- K. I hated it when Bill Cosby would sing the Pixeltime theme song because it meant that the next segment of "Captain Kangaroo" would be that guy in the pink leotard who was supposed to be inside-out, and his rectum came out just above his crotch... in front. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Andy Rooney's Car Stolen Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 06:54:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Riboflavin" (ribo@mindspring.com) wrote: > > When I was living in NYC, a friend of mine had the windshield wipers stolen > off of his car. WTF is the point of that? They only cost like $5 in the > store, it's just bizarre criminal activity. I'm sorry, I stole it when I was seven, because I used one of the windshield wiper blades to pretend I was the clock on "Beat The Clock", but I was also bouncing my favorite balloon on it at the time, and my balloon popped, so I stopped watching that stupid show. This has been a TRUE POINTLESS STORY. -- K. You need a logic probe to see where my memory traces are going. NO TWO OF MY BRAIN CELLS ARE IN ANY WAY CONNECTED! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Andy Rooney's Car Stolen Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 10:04:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > > > I had my back wheel stolen offa my bike just 3 months ago (I do not > > drive, in an effort to be as Kibo-like as possible). > > and then, years later, the state of Orgegon dynamited > a whale, and *inside*, they found your bicycle tire, > with that rotten thief still a\hanging on for dear life! A diagonal backdash. It's either a punctuatioriffic new symbol or else you're just using DOS in your sleep. While drooling all over your giant marshmallow. And then, they tried to inflate the bicycle tire some more, and it exploded, and then a puppy came out, and they all hugged it! Poor Spot! He didn't get to be in this story because it has a happy ending! It was just some other stupid happy dog! -- K. But not all dogs are happy. And even happy dogs are more stupid than happy, if you measure happiness in IQ points. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,sci.physics,sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BIG SUCK and MODELS FOR ATOMS Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 07:54:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, sci.physics, and sci.physics.relativity, Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > None of the models for describing the structure and what takes place > inside of an atom are satisfactory except the one described below. > > Inside the atom again the primeval power struggle, the primeval battle > between the two primeval adversaries the VOID OF SPACE and the > PRIMEVAL CONCENTRATED MASS (regardless of its infinitesimality) is > taking place inexorably and relentlessly. Does anyone else think that Barney Collier's son would be the perfect actor to play Dr. Abian in a cheap "Seinfeld" knockoff? Then Rollin Hand's daughter could come in and do something, too, cause the kids like her. Also she's got GAMS from HERE to YA-YA! > The void of space inside the atom tends to dilute and dissolve whatever > massive parts of an atom there are, in order to disencumber itself from the > presence of the intruding primeval adversary - THE MASS. Quatermass fights his intruding primeval adversary in: QUATERMASS AND THE MASS Tonight on BBC 1 during prime time (4:15 PM to 4:51 PM). Watch as a human being turns into a spiky pickle and slowly disencumbers!!! > The VOID of space sucks (sound of cellophane crinkling) LINE BREAK INSERTED FOR NO REASON (sound of cellophane crinkling) NOW BACK TO THE SENTENCE > the fabric of an atom by making the atom to > disintegrate via all kinds and types of radiations and deteriorating > acts. So, you have found the reason Shatner just keeps getting worse? > In their turn, the masses present in an atom react to be sucked in, > to be diluted and dissipated. And, as a reaction to being torn > apart they produce all kinds of forces to prevent their dissipation. > Forces such as electromagnetic, and many other kinds of mass binding > forces. Didn't Count Alfred Korzybski invent a machine to do that involving a spaghetti-sorter, a coconut-grater, and half a Rubik's Cube? Or was that just stuff that Count J. Michael Straczynski nailed to the wall on "Babylon 5"? > Just as when you walk on a rug and torment the rug by your walking > over it, as a reaction to your annoying the rug, positive and negative > charges are created between the rug and the sole of your shoes which try > to attract each other and STOP YOU FROM WALKING ALL OVER THE RUG!!!!! THE GRAND UNIFIED FIELD THEORY SAYS, "DON'T TREAD ON ME!" > The BIG SUCK process is what is happening inside of an atom > which is much more convincing than any other explanations > given by the models suggested by the main-stream physics - > models such as miniature solar systems, orbiting electrons, etc, etc.. > Electrons do not orbit they are produced as a result of atomic masses > being tormented by the BIG SUCK, just as positive and negative charges > are being produced between the rug and the sole of your shoes to stop > you from tormenting the rug (very often to no avail) by walking all > over it!! Okay, I'm gonna go hook up my E-meter to my rug right now and jump up and down on it until I get at least one really good primal scream to come out of the deep shag. -- K. I HATE MY RUG!!! Now, Shatner, he LOVES his rug. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BIG SUCK and MODELS FOR ATOMS Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 02:47:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Eddie Saxe (saxe@sgi.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > Does anyone else think that Barney Collier's son would be the perfect actor > > to play Dr. Abian in a cheap "Seinfeld" knockoff? > > Sorry. No. All other Abian knock-offs pale in comparison to Henry Rollins. Okay, we'll compromise. We'll have Cinnamon Carter expose the men of "Mission: Impossible" to that special drug that turns you gay that they stopped The Other Side from helping The Syndicate put in the water supply of Town, the drug that turns them gay, then Rollin Hand will marry Barney Collier and one or the other or both of them will give birth to Henry Rollin Hand, and then we'll build a "Mission: Impossible" pinball machine which rewards you for giving it an Earth-Like Tilt, and Henry Rollin Hand will play it against Elton "King Of Science" John, and then Kramer will come in and Jerry Seinfeld will make fun of how he insists it's a "statue of limitations." "Yeah, it's a SCULPTURE of limitations." -- K. What about the fat guy from "Sliders"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bill Gates and head injuries? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 09:58:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.folklore.urban, anitaw@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > The following message was received via the feedback form from my company's > web site, which I maintain. No contact information, e-mail address, or > anything from the sender was included, and Systems is far to busy to bother > with the nonsense of tracing it. But I'm curious now as to what the hell > this guy/girl is talking about. This is the full, unedited text we received, > I swear to God: > > ******* > Are you the people that came out with the first personal computer. > If > so i herd that the young man that was behind getting that > computer to work and did many lectures had suffered a nasty > head injury many years ago. The story also goes that he hired Bill Gates to > manage the accounting of Microsoft. Then a few years back Gates caved his head > in a the compiler that this man built for Gates to basic programing at. Now > your many in Hurt and without memory and money > while Gates is rich > Where do you stand? > ******* Although a few people have pointed out that this is probably a mangled version of the story of Apple co-founder Wozniak's hang-gliding accident, my theory is that the guy thinks "a compiler" is the same as "a compactor" and that Steve Jobs pushed Wozniak into the think and switched it on and laughed all the way to the bank. And that Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are the same person. > p.s. No, my company did not develop the first personal computer, although > everyone asks. Everyone knows that Gene Roddenberry invented the computer. -- K. I could post some of the wackier feedback my employer gets from Web site visitors, but most of it's below this quality. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BITS AND PIECES...12/03 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 08:23:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > [...] note that Stephen Will Tanner is interchangable with any > kibologist satisfying the following USRDA requirements: > > Video Games.........................50% Must have reached the end of "Blaster" and found it a thoroughly satisfying sexual experience. Especially the gurgling noise. > Caffeine............................25% Counts double if you get it from things that don't say "caffeine" in boldface in the ingredients list. > Callbacks...........................10% (15% with 1 cup skim milk) Do callbacks to callbacks score as 10% or as (10% x 10%) = 1%? > Esperanto...........................10% Hey, I got the hat if you got the funny typewriter. A callback to a post I made fifteen minutes ago: I played SSI's board game based on "The Stainless Steel Rat" a lot because you could play it by yourself and it had a different ending every time, which means I must have played it less than six times. > Angst................................5% I think DreamWorks SKG is going to rush a knockoff of you titled "ANGTZ" into production just to help destroy Apple Computer, Inc. DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.31 McIRVINOS. I would work Carl Sagan into that one, but that would just make it easier. > Objectivism..........................5% Are you truly object-oriented? Do you arms and legs tell you what to do when you're walking around? Do you have a telephone in your bathtub which is filled with drugs? (The bathtub, not the phone.) DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.92 McIRVINOS (but only because I once told Matt, otherwise it would be about 98.6 on the McIrvinometer.) > Short, shameful confessions..........2% WORLD'S SHORTEST, MOST SHAMEFUL CONFESSION: "I faithfull swear to execute the office of President -- I wet 'em!" That could obviously be much shorter if shame did not trump shortness. (Look at all Dr. Loveless!) DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.22 McIRVINOS (because Dennis Miller keeps reminding people of the ORIGINAL Dr. Loveless, not the robot one, and because Mike Jittlov could probably explain it in a pinch because he was the first person to make a major feature film based on "The Wild Wild West") > Niacin...............................1% The original one, or the one drawn by Jerry Scott where her head wasn't drawn with an ellipse template and there weren't evil Communist beatniks everywhere? > The Fourth Wall.......................* I can see it now: Hitler, Jr. builds a wall diagonally across Berlin not for political reasons, but JUST TO ANNOY PEOPLE! And he could name it Larry just so it would respond to his Usenet posts. DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.01 McIRVINOS (because if it is really accurate, Larry Wall will show up to explain it, except he won't because I just said he would and I know how his mind works because I wrote Perl so I could search for my name.) > Due to increased gym time, Stephen Will Tanner is now available only > in size Large. Do you still wear shorts, or have you graduated to wides? THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE! YOU LET ME MENTION EUGENE JARVIS AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHO HITLER WAS! -- K. Mental image: Mike Bent trying to explain Hitler to Fisher Junior College, whose buildings now have plaques which say FISHER ###### COLLEGE. P.S. I did not mention "seaQuest" or "Space: 1999" or late DeForest Kelley in this post because it was written with Matt McIrvin in mind and he knows who they are. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Calling of Phoenix, Sam, Kibo, MacGiggle as witnesses Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 23:15:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, sane person Wesley Serra (wserra@panix.com) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > [Snip idiot rant about how poster will sue everyone who flames|disagrees > > with him.] > > > > Yea, I can take a sabbatical from Dartmouth for 2 years, and just go > > from one law court to another. It would be fun to drag Phoenix, Barry > > Shein, Kibo, Sam, MacGiggle from one law court to another. I think that > > once I drag this circus around in circles for 2 years, that these > > laddie boys will straighten-up. They will learn the full sense of the > > concept "leave a person alone if he wants to be left alone!" > > Let me clue you in on something - although, from your posts, only one clue > is woefully inadequate. I dunno, I think his clue is more "happily inadequate". I mean, I'd have to stop making fun of him if he stopped acting so wacky. > In a civil proceeding - or criminal proceeding, > if you are financially able - Are you kidding? Archie is a millionaire stock market investor. Hey, Arch, you use to tell everyone that you had an edition of your "The Mind Of A Wealth Accumulator" book (which you were posting chunks from to Usenet) that we could buy on acid-free paper for $200. How many of those did you sell after you finished writing it? And did you sell those books before or after winning all those Nobel prizes? > if you call a witness, you have to pay his/her expenses. And, of course, I am the world's most expensive witness. Don't forget that Archie will also need to call the staff of DejaNews, because he thinks there is some conspiracy to prevent it from listing only his articles, as well as the staff of AOL, because he thinks all the AOL users who disagree with him are the same person, and the staff of The New York Times, because they're part of the Jewish conspiracy (he calls them "The Jew York Times") to promulgate Andrew Wiles's proof of Fermat's Last Theorem and not his Plutonium Arithmetic. Not making up. > Of course, no judge will ever let you "drag [witnesses] > from one law court to another" even if you were Donald Trump. The solution is simple. Archie must stop pretending he's Donald Trump and must start pretending he's a judge! This is a natural progression from pretending to be a scientist and lawyer. Maybe if Archie wants people to stop thinking of him as a campus dishwasher (actually, he prefers the term "potwasher") he should start incomptently pretending to be a dishwasher. After all, we would never in a million years believe he's a lawyer. So if he started ranting about his magical dishwashing abilities, we'd just figure he was pretending to be a dishwasher for the prestige. > However, I think you should start adding up air fares and hotel rates > for bringing folks from all over the country. Oh, I'm sure the hotel costs for a dozen witnesses for two years would be no big deal. And let's not forget the food. I require a big bowl of saffron-covered Cheerios ever morning. > If your response is that you will name them as defendants, you get to do > that *once*. Of course, it is overwhelmingly likely that you will have to > sue an individual where s/he lives in order to obtain personal > jurisdiction. So if Phoenix lives in, say, Phoenix, AUGH! PHOENIX IS RECURSIVE! Maybe Archie means he is going to sue Pheonix, as in the whole city. > plan on several trips to Arizona to sue him/her. And let's not forget that "The Simpsons" keeps making fun of mad scientists, so Archie will sue them once he figures out where Springfield is. > And wherever you choose to sue a particular > person or company will be the only time you get to do it, due to a couple > of things called "full faith and credit" and "res judicata". In Latin, doesn't "res judicata" mean "King of the Jews"? I think that once Archie (self-titled "King of Science") finds out about that he's going to insist that the courts change from Latin to a more anti-Semitic language in order to be fair to him. > You know, there is nothing quite so pathetic as ridiculously impotent > threats to sue or subpoena posted to legal NGs. Do you *like* being > viewed as an idiot? Archimedes Plutonum-inpsired Lame Roger Moore James Bond Movie Title #11: "A View To An Idiot" -- K. (In which Roger Moore is seen only from behind whenever he does anything, such as walking down stairs or drinking tea.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,sci.edu,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Calling of Phoenix, Sam, Kibo, MacGiggle as witnesses Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 09:11:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal and sci.edu, while discussing his five (so far!) imaginary lawsuits against every Internet service provider whose customers think he's a bozo, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Wesley Serra (wserra@panix.com) writes: > > > > In a civil proceeding - or criminal proceeding, > > if you are financially able - if you call a witness, you have to pay > > his/her expenses. Of course, no judge will ever let you "drag [witnesses] > > from one law court to another" even if you were Donald Trump. However, I > > think you should start adding up air fares and hotel rates for bringing > > folks from all over the country. > > Let me teach you something, although you sound too closed-minded to > listen. Uh oh, Wesley, watch out! Panix will be hit with a gigantic invisible lawsuit! (He's moments aways from concluding that you're the owner of Panix, too -- I think he's claimed I run three Internet services, when obviously I don't run any. I'm too much of a wacky bozo to be trusted to run ANYTHING.) > A lesson I learned after I got out of college and has helped my > life and career immensely (someday if you have time and interest, you > can read about it in my autobio > http://www.galstar.com/~ichudov/ppl/ap/File1966-1972.html ). > > And it involves an art, a skill and I think I am an expert at it. It > is the skill of "acting dumb" to get ahead of an adversary. Yes, you've made a career of it! You truly ARE the expert at acting dumb. You deserve the Nobel Prize For Dumbness! > I used it effectively in salesmanship. People do not like to buy things > from a person who is or acts smarter than they. Exactly what sort of things do people buy from professional dishwashers? > So, you have to use the fine art of "acting dumb" in order to make > them feel that they are in control. I will believe you are "acting" dumb the moment you say _anything_ even remotely intelligent. I mean, you flame people who disagree with your assertion that England is a peninsula. Now, if you're now claiming that you're only PRETENDING that your head is so withered that you think England is a peninsula, well, only a total idiot would pretend to be such a major idiot. > And it is a shame that colleges and universities do not teach > students the fine art of acting dumber than what they are. Yeah! Harvard only teaches you to act dumber than people who are smarter than you! A really good school would teach you to act dumber than someone who was exactly as smart as you are but stupid. > Schools teach the exact opposite of having students behave pretentiously > smarter than what they actually are. The education system of the US > needs vast improvement on teaching or at least making students aware of > the fact that it is better in many cases to act dumber than what you > really are. And to only act your superior intelligence once your > mission or goal is accomplished. Perhaps a college course titled "the > art of acting dumb". Perhaps in acting school or drama school can this > be taught but it is important for salespersons. And it is useful in > lawyering. How would you know? You didn't even know there was a difference between "statue" and "statute". Either you're not a lawyer, or you're pretending to be dumb so effectively that you still couldn't possibly win a case. Does your idea that colleges should teach stupidity tie in with your insistence that Dartmouth should be renamed "Plutonium College"? Does this have something to do with your idea of replacing Homecoming with dodgeball and a "siesta"? [back the comments of sane person Wesley Serra] > > > If your response is that you will name them as defendants, you get to do > > that *once*. Of course, it is overwhelmingly likely that you will have to > > sue an individual where s/he lives in order to obtain personal > > jurisdiction. So if Phoenix lives in, say, Phoenix, plan on several trips > > to Arizona to sue him/her. And wherever you choose to sue a particular > > person or company will be the only time you get to do it, due to a couple > > of things called "full faith and credit" and "res judicata". > > No, I am working out the logistics now. I need to find the state that > has the best laws on stalking. This will be a Federal Court and the > defendants, mostly will be sysadmin from various ISPs who have > practiced "vigilante stalking and attack of a private citizen" This will get about as far as: "Mr. Plutonium, if that is your name, can you prove that [name of random guy who laughed at Archimedes Plutonium from AOL] is a 'sysadmin' of AOL?" "Uh... duh... me not know, me be stupid. But me only be pretend. Duh." "Your honor, I move for a summary judgement and that the plaintiff be stricken from the voter registry." "Granted. Also I am issuing a restraining order which says that Mr. Plutonium must stay 300 feet away from anything to do with science, computers, math, or any form of letters and numbers." > Sysadm of various ISP or workers of many ISP have gained " unchecked > police power over the Internet". Instead of defining > searchenginebombing and setting etiquette standards, these sysadmin > have attacked private citizens with that practice. Oh no! Archie is suing because other people didn't define the nonsense word he made up! Next he's going to sue us all for refusing to call a woxenhambler a woxenhambler. Do tell us all about "searchenginebombing", Archie. And let's not forget its counterparts, "bombenginesearching", "enginesearchbombing", and "umbrellabumberchuting." > Instead of defining "stalking" , sysadm of ISP have "lynch -mobbed-together" > and attacked private citizens such as me with vigilante stalking. > > I suspect that my lawsuit will be the pioneering case that defines > better the practice of (1) improper use of a private citizens name on > Internet (2) stalking (3) searchenginebombing I think we can safely say that no lawsuit has yet defined "searchenginebombing". > Sysadmin have gained too much (especially when they band together) > police power of the Internet. YEAH! SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS SHOULD HAVE *LESS* POWER TO ADMINISTER THEIR SYSTEMS THAN DISHWASHERS DO! > I will find the Federal Court that suits me, I'm sorry, I don't think Backwardsland Federal Court is possible to travel to from this universe. > and then call as defendants all of those that have vigilante style attacked > via stalking, searchenginebombing, slander etc. All of them? Remember, this is on record. If you don't call EVERY PERSON WHO HAS EVER SAID SOMETHING BAD ABOUT YOU, you'll go to jail for perjury and for not finding enough people to tell the court that they think you're an idiot. (I can see him now: "Kibo, please tell the court your opinion of me." Then I talk for about an hour.) > If you take a look at my killfile on my homepage, a large proportion > of those people are sysadmin or workers for a ISP. They have a tendency > to band together and play pranks on private citizens and to stalk > > I feel confident that after my law case that I will have improved > Usenet immensely. I dunno, I think any possible benefit Usenet could gain from your spending a day in court away from computers would be far outweighed by the fact that an entire jury would have to actually listen to you. Hmm, I think someone should to enter some of your "Plutonium Hymns" (like "It's Got The Whole Observable Universe In Its 94th Electron") into evidence so that we can find out how well you can sing 'em. While under oath. > And that commonsense things such as making sci > hierarchy disjoint from the alt hierarchy may materialize. And exactly which Federal court controls sci.* and which controls alt.*, and what the heck does "disjointing" them mean in Earth language? -- K. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired heavy metal band name #12: "SEARCHENGINEBOMBING DEFINED" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,sci.edu,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Calling of Phoenix, Sam, Kibo, MacGiggle as witnesses Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 21:54:06 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.usenet.kooks In misc.legal and sci.edu, intelligent and sane person Wesley Serra (wserra@panix.com) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > Wesley Serra (wserra@panix.com) wrote: > > > > > > In a civil proceeding - or criminal proceeding, > > > if you are financially able - if you call a witness, you have to pay > > > his/her expenses. Of course, no judge will ever let you "drag [witnesses] > > > from one law court to another" even if you were Donald Trump. However, I > > > think you should start adding up air fares and hotel rates for bringing > > > folks from all over the country. > > > > Let me teach you something, although you sound too closed-minded to > > listen. A lesson I learned after I got out of college and has helped my > > life and career immensely [...] > > And it involves an art, a skill and I think I am an expert at it. It > > is the skill of "acting dumb" to get ahead of an adversary. > > All this time you have just been *acting* dumb! Man, you sure do it well. > Clearly a natural talent. I'd do all I could to develop it. You know, > things like bang your head against walls several times a day. Curse out > Mike Tyson. You're good enough that you may be able to act dumber than > anyone ever has before. History is within your grasp. Within his grasp, assuming he's smart enough to have a Moro reflex. > > I suspect that my lawsuit will be the pioneering case that defines > > better the practice of (1) improper use of a private citizens name on > > Internet (2) stalking (3) searchenginebombing > > And *I* suspect that your "lawsuit" will be (choose one): (1) Dismissed > with prejudice and costs as soon as a judge reads the complaint. (2) > Dismissed with prejudice and costs as soon as a judge reads the complaint > and finishes laughing his/her head off. (3) Dismissed with prejudice and > costs as soon as a judge finishes reading the complaint, laughing his/her > head off, and passing it around to other judges to share the general > mirth. Personally, I think "lawsuit" is the wrong term. Let's be specific: A wacky letter printed in gold Vivaldi letters sent from a nonexistent foundation complaining that parties unspecified are engaging in practices referred to only in terminology invented by the nonexistent plaintiff. I think this is the opposite of a lawsuit and propse we call it something else, preferably something the opposite of "law" and "suit", such as "illegal nudity". > > Sysadmin have gained too much (especially when they band together) > > police power of the Internet. > > When you take over, podiatrists will run things. THEY WILL MAKE THE FEET RUN ON TIME!!! > > I will find the Federal Court that suits me, and then call as > > defendants all of those that have vigilante style attacked via > > stalking, searchenginebombing, slander etc. > > You act as though choosing a court is like entering a bakery and picking > out the cake you want. Ever hear of things called "jurisdiction" and > "venue"? You ought to look into them. (Mental image: Archie opens a large box marked "JURISDICTION" -- with a backwards "S" drawn in crayon -- and sticks his head inside. A cream pie hits him in the face. Archie: "WAAH! THE CREAM PIE OF SANE JURISPRUDENCE!") -- K. Hey, he gets into imaginary fistfights, so I'm allowed to throw imaginary pies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: christmas present Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 01:56:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Ant of Truism" wrote: > > Dear kibo clause, WILL KIBO KLAUS CAPTURE THE CLEVER CAPED CRUSADER? OR WILL KIBO KLAUS'S CRUDDY CONNIVING LEAD TO A CRAPPY CAPER? DO NOT TUNE IN NEXT TIME! DO NOT TUNE IN BEFORE CHRISTMAS! WORD! > All I want for Christmas is a kibo troll. Great, more jokes about my enormous purple hair. I CAN'T HELP IT IF I SUFFER FROM A GIANT BOUFFANT, BECAUSE CONAN O'BRIEN IS MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER! AND I CAN'T HELP IT IF IT'S PURPLE BECAUSE I FELL INTO A GIANT VAT OF SUPER-CONCENTRATED GRAPE JUICE WHEN BATMAN BLEW UP MY EVIL GRAPE SKIN FACTORY! STOP LAUGHING AT MY CLOWN HAIR! > Or maybe, to be on the brown list. Well, then, you should have made your post AFTER my reply, not BEFORE! Now I'm off to steal the world's largest glass diamond! -- K., super-villain I like how the camera gets cockeyed whenever I'm around. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Froggy's Kibology Page Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 08:23:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Aaron A. (DoctorAaron@webtv.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Syadoz" (meanmeso@roanoke.infi.net) wrote: > > > > > > You must have a really high IQ plus ESP. > > > > But my IQ plus ESP is even higher. My IQ plus > > ESP totals 1700 and that's before adding in my > > 2400 on the Chemistry SAT! That makes me a > > DOUBLE GENIUS! > > Yeah, but my IQ and ESP are on a Triple Word Score, so I'm a TRIPLE > BINARY SUPER-GENIUS!!1!! But your ISP plus your EQ equal a WebTV with no bass, so you've just HIT A WHAMMY!!! (zonk noise. A cartoon devil comes in and makes all of Aaron's brain cells into little sausages at six frames a second.) We'll be right back after this infinitely long commercial. -- K. You can sue me if I'm lying. But not about the above sentence. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Future of the Internet; present problems and future solutions Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:22:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Let us suppose that the above lawsuit materializes and I have the > permission of the US govt to sue them. While we're on the subject of science fiction, HEY ARCH, DON'T FORGET TO GET THE PRESIDENT'S SIGNATURE IN WRITING, AND MAKE HIM SHOW YOU TWO FORMS OF I.D. LIKE THAT LITTLE KID DID TO BUSH. I AM NOT IMPLYING YOU ARE AS SMART AS THAT LITTLE KID. > And so I prepare for trial, and let us be optimistic that it lasts for > only 2 years. Archimedes Plutonium would have to ride his bicycle from Dartmouth to the Supreme Court every day for two years, and might develop leg muscles big enough to see! > My entire lawsuit would probably be antiquated before finished. I think you can generalize that to your entire internal landscape. > The reason I say that is > because everyday the Internet is becoming more and more commercialized > and that is telescoping into a Telephone supra-structure. THE INTERNET IS TELESCOPING!!! RUN!!! AAAIIIIEEE!!! I'M BEING CRUSHED IN ALT.SCI.PHYSCS.PLTNM!!! > Many of the ills and evils of present day Internet such as > searchenginebombing, emailbombing, unsolicited email ads, forging of > names to subscription lists, stalking, and even the quoting of long > posts just to add a sentence. I agree, nobody should be allowed to add ANYTHING to your posts. > Almost all of that can be eliminated with > one sweeping new change. A fee of say 10 cents per post or 50 cents per > post or to match what a letter postage stamp costs which will be 33 > cents come January 1999. Arch, once again, have you realized that it's not 33 cents everwhere the Internet goes? Like, you know, at that Canadian University you're trying to sue? > I suspect that many foreign countries already impose fees for each > post made. In the US a flat montly fee to an ISP does not stop persons > from making frivolous and often stalking posts. BUT CHARGING PEOPLE AN EXTRA TEN SECONDS WOULD MAKE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAD AT LEAST TEN CENTS IN THE BANK ABLE TO CALL ARCHIE AN IDIOT! I like it. I am setting aside a whole dollar as the budget for my next post. > [...] > So, if I breeze along and take NASA to court, Be sure to mention, when you file your legally-worded complaint, that you are breezing. "Your honor, there is a breeze coming from the plaintiff." > I may be outpaced in the race for reform of Internet even on your bicycle? > for the commercialization changes would drastically change aspects > such as searchenginebombing or stalking etc. So that's ten cents per person you stalk? Is Jodie Foster the same price as, say, Claudia Christian? Is there a group discount? -- K. Can you get together with three other guys and time-share a celebrity in eight-hour shifts? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Gary's "Titanic" Memory Lapses Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 01:48:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In some incomprehensible flamewar in misc.writing.screenplays, Saivan Lujan (afn63076@afn.org) wrote: > > [...stuff elided re the Titanic and/or millennial panic, I'm not sure...] > > No, common people had no idea. I think they didn't pay much > attention to Dick Clark, back then (he was pretty young at the time). And > there is no historical account of any panicking. You know, someday I'm going to win the Nobel Prize For .Signature Quotes for my discovery that anything becomes wacky when removed from context. The quote above is up for grabs, hurry up and shove it into your .signature before anyone else does! -- K. Dick Clark is the star of my favorite Gary Larson cartoon. He's like Bob Hope only not universally beloved so it's okay for me to like him. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I feel dirty. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 07:13:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Apparently in response to a post where I was gently teasing him about how I had some difficulty finding library information but then I found it with a tiny amount of effort, Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > Try to get the following information!: > ask les beaux BPL curatoral colleagues to reveal a > classification outline of Edward Kirstein memorial > branch Boston public library business department's > especial classification scheme from 1.0 - 89.9 for > 1st floor reference books at 20 City Hall Avenue. I did, and the little pamphlet they gave me is quite nice, although I think the foil-stamping is probably a waste of money given that the four-color printing would look perfectly good on its own given that they were using clay-coated hundred-twenty-pound stock in their rotogravure press. I don't know WHY they didn't give you a copy of this pamphlet. Page 19 makes it all clear. Oh, wait. At the bottom of Page 20 it says * This pamphlet not for use by Don Saklad. > [http://www.bpl.org/WWW/KBB/KBBHome.html] > [email: wwwref (a) bpl.org] > [tel. 617-523-0860] You misspelled http://www.bpl.org/WWW/KIBO/KIBOcancomeinbutnotDonSaklad/html. > BPL's 20 City Hall Avenue building is next to Pi Alley. So? Pi Alley only has CANDLEPIN PI, not regular normal pi. -- K. Also I have more type in my apartment than Pi Alley has in its little finger. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Laverne & Shirley Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 07:54:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A further observation on the final, feeble season (which Lewis Carollackerman refers to as "the feebnal season") of "Laverne & Shirley Without Shirley": In yesterday's rerun, Charlie Fleischer (best known as that guy who did the voice of Roger Rabbit) played a Trekkie who was running around in a purple Star Trek shirt because "Officers are blue, the Captain's orange, and janitors are purple." He spent about five minutes saying "Beam me in, Laverne!" and then walking through the doorway sideways because he was, like, pretending he was in outer space and stuff. Oh, yeah, and the plot of the episode was Laverne got her father to baby-sit a chimpanzee and then she went to sing with The Spinners, who were twenty years older than they really were then, but halfway through the song she felt sorry for her father so she told the Spinners to stop playing and then she told the whole audience how much she loved her father and then she went home. The very same day, the Sci-Fi Channel aired the single greatest "Wonder Woman" episode ever made, the one in which Rene Auberjonois (best known for his role as the twit on "Benson" and/or the nosejobbed glob of apple butter on "Deep Space Nine" and/or the original Father Mulcahy in "M*A*S*H") broke into the Griffith Observatory to steal the three ruby crystals from inside the telescope but he accidentally mailed them to a nerd at a "Space Quest" convention where all these people were walking around in "Logan's Run" costumes and a "Logan's Run" Sandman was chasing some "Logan's Run" runners around with the "Logan's Run" Gun which, as you will recall, Matt McIrvin once immortalized as "Grogan's Gun", and amazingly enough, the nerd's name was Grogan in this episode, and he had put together a display of moon rocks which accurately simulated conditions on a starship, meaning that the walls were black and there was a disco ball and strobe lights overhead and the floor tilted back and forth (not the camera, they kept explaining that the floor really was tilting, even though the disco ball was hanging from a string which was also tilting) and the episode ended with Rene Auberjonois stealing Robby The Robot's costume and a different nerd yelling "ROBBY THE ROBOT IS A LUSH!!" THAT WAS A SENTENCE OF WHICH I AM AWKWARDLY PROUD!!!! Anyway, it's my favorite episode even though it didn't have IRAC or ORAC or Rover or K-9 or Ensign Greenbean in it. I WILL AWARD A SPECIAL TRIP TO THE EDGE OF THE McIRVIN LIMIT TO ANYONE ELSE HERE WHO ADMITS HE KNOWS WHO ENSIGN GREENBEAN IS!!! -- K. Hint: His car is more electric than yours. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Laverne & Shirley Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 08:57:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Now to comment on a comment on a comment. Tonight's "Laverne & Shirley" episode is a really desperate bottle show, in which Laverne joins a convent, which looks exactly like her living room with slightly different set decorating. (On how many other shows can you redress their main set into a convent? Like, could you do this to the U. S. S. Enterprise bridge, or on the seaQuest DSV? Could you do it for the Sunshine Cab Company, or Arnold's diner, or Ralph Kramden's tiny little slice of a living room?) Then the lights go down on everything except Laverne and this old nun who helps her find God. This episode makes me want to convert from atheism to Judaism just to be an extra step away from Catholicism, which I've never been but I want to be two notches away just in case I accidentally get converted due to the Year 2000 Bug. Ki_-_Bo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,dartmouth.talk.kiewit,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: lawsuit on AOL (long) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 23:20:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal and dartmouth.talk.kiewit, ark_scanner@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium ( Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > LETTER MAILED IN POST ON 10DEC98 > > From the legal-law Desk of the Plutonium Atom Foundation > > Address: Hinman Box 6165, Dartmouth College, Hanover NH 03755 > > There are many foundations at Dartmouth College but I can't find this one in > their online directory. It doesn't seem to really exist, what a shock. It's a CONSPIRACY by Dartmouth to cover up the fact that the Plutonium Atom Foundation occupies an entire building there! The one made out of solid gold with the ten spires shaped like coconuts! How do you know that his entire foundation doesn't just happen to fit inside Hinman Box 6165? Maybe it's staffed by tiny tiny people. After all, it only takes one plutonium atom inside your brain to make you a "super-genius", so people who are half an inch tall could be at LEAST as smart as Archie. > > The charge of advertisement use of the name Archimedes Plutonium for > > increasing your subscription rate is a flat fee of $10. per post. > > The total charge for inappropriate use of my name in threads where no > > science is furthered but only for the advertisement gainsake of aol.com > > is a advertisement charge of $1,090. You are given 2 months to pay > > this bill from the date of mailing 10DEC98. > > > > If this bill is not paid to the Plutonium Atom Foundation, then a > > lawsuit follows: > > (snip rest) > > Is it legal to send someone an invalid invoice and threaten legal action if > they don't pay up? That seems kind of like blackmail to me. I don't know, I think it's too stupid to be blackmail. At Archie's level, blackmail would be more like: HA HA HA I GOT A BOOGER ON A STICK!!! GIVE ME A DOLLAR OR I'LL MAIL THE STICK TO YOU!!! I think the best legal term for Archie's recent actions would be a self-applied "Kick Me" sign. (How do you say "Kick Me" in Latin?) -- K. And then how do we kick him in Latin? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,dartmouth.talk.kiewit,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: lawsuit on AOL (long) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 09:22:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal and dartmouth.talk.kiewit, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > ark_scanner@my-dejanews.com writes: > > > > There are many foundations at Dartmouth College but I can't find this one in > > their online directory. It doesn't seem to really exist, what a shock. > > > > Is it legal to send someone an invalid invoice and threaten legal action if > > they don't pay up? That seems kind of like blackmail to me. > > Thanks, I used your two suggestions today on the letters sent out. But I thought you had already started sending out letters yesterday. Also, how do you use "It doesn't seem to really exist, what a shock." and "That seems kind of like blackmail to me." in your letters? Did you add a line of 24-point gold Vivaldi swash caps to the bottom saying "MY FOUNDATION IS INVISIBLE! BY THE WAY, THIS IS KIND OF LIKE BLACKMAIL!!!"? > But do not let the fact that I am responding to you, get to your head, > for you are likely a stalker with an account set up solely to stalk me > around and will probably appear in my killfile soon. WOOOOOO!!!! YOU'RE GOING TO KILLFILE SOMEONE AT SOME DATE IN THE FUTURE!!!! Wow, you can't even bring yourself to actually killfile someone, and you think you can bring a cluster of Federal lawsuits acting as your own attorney? Also, I think the idea that in your little world, anyone who disagrees with you is OBVIOUSLY a plant put there JUST to think you're a bozo. Why would The Vast Conspiracy need to invent people who think you're a bozo? Real people do that for free. > You probably are already there on that list. Some words of advice, > attacking people adds up to a negative life. You're so cute when you're better than us. HUGS!!!!! -- K. P.S. I still wuv you even though you're about as huggable as a giant spider made of barbed wire. In outer space. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: lawsuit on std.com (long) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 06:47:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) posted a 2,775-line (106k) message including these chunks: > > Letter mailed 10DEC98 > From the legal-law Desk of the Plutonium Atom Foundation That's odd, I never knew you could do law on the small surface of a plastic Sit & Doodle Activity Desk. > Address: HB6165, Dartmouth College, Hanover NH 03755 Hmm, wouldn't HB6165 be an extraordinarily soft kind of pencil? The kind one would need to write with on Archimedes Plutonium's soft head? > Date: 10DEC98 > To: > Software Tool & Die (STD-DOM) > 1330 Beacon Street Suite 215 > Brookline, MA 02146 > US Excuse me, Archie, but I don't think the Postal Service uses the InterNIC record format. > mail to: Billing Contact: > Shein, Barry (BS25) netadmin@WORLD.STD.COM > 617-739-0202 (FAX) 617-739-0914 > > Subject: Bill-for-Payment > > This is a bill for the advertising use of the name Archimedes > Plutonium on Usenet for the two months of October and November 1998. > According to Dejanews search engine James "Kibo" Parry via the company > Software Tool & Die used the name Archimedes Plutonium as a form of > advertisement to std of approx 398 times for October and November 1998. No, I used your name as a means of designating which person on the Internet is an idiot. I think you can look that up in your pretend law books in your imaginary law office under "Fair Use For Idiots". By the way, Archimedes Plutonium's bill is wrong because it just went up by a few dollars because I just said "Archimedes Plutonium" again. If Archie knowingly submits this inaccurate bill, he's committing perjury. Also, he failed to address the question of whether calling him "Archie" is full price or half price. And what about "Archimpedes"? And what about "Euripides Pantaloonium"? If I say that Euripides Pantaloonium is an idiot, is Archie prepared to testify in a court of law that he is Euripides Pantaloonium as well as Archimedes Plutonium? (Personally, I suspect he can't even prove he's Archimedes Plutonium. His "legal" change of name probably didn't take if he filed it with as much lawyering skills as he's brought to bear on his rejected patent applications and pro se lawsuit against Dartmouth.) > The charge of advertisement use of the name Archimedes Plutonium for > increasing your subscription rate is a flat fee of $10. per post. I see, so how does me saying "Archimedes Plutonium is an idiot" want to make anyone subscribe to anything? Am I supposed to be secretly publishing a magazine named "The Archimedes Plutonium Is An Idiot Quarterly"? Hey, that's a good idea. IF YOU WANT TO SUBSCRIBE TO THE "ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM IS AN IDIOT QUARTERLY", PLEASE POST FIVE DOLLARS TO THIS NEWSGROUP! AND WHILE CONSIDERING WHETHER ARCHIE IS AN IDIOT, ENJOY FINE DINING AT THE HANOVER INN, DARTMOUTH! OUR FOOD IS PERFECT BECAUSE IT IS UNTOUCHED BY HUMAN HANDS! > The total charge for those two months as advertising use of my name > in threads where no science is furthered but only for the gainsake of > std as an advertisement is 398 multiply $10. which equals $3,980. But, Archie, you've posted a few dozen articles to sci.math where you rant about how there are no such things as "finite integers" and rail against all orthodox mathematicians who do not use "Plutonium Arithmetic" and "P-adics". Are you recanting your whole theory just to bring your imaginary lawsuit? Or will you realize your mistake and change the lawsuit to an infinite Plutonium integer amount such as "$...99999999999999999.9999999999999..."? > You are given 2 months to pay this bill from the date of this mailing > 10DEC98. I'm sorry, but by the time this reaches the courts the Year 2000 Bug will force you to travel through time to 2098 A.D. to deliver this, and by then humans will have no need of money because they'll have evolved into higher forms of life. You would probably be unhappy in 2098 A.D. because not only will they have no money, but they will have no shredded coconut. > If this bill is not paid, and/or other inappropriate use of my name > over Internet, then be advised that the Plutonium Atom Foundation will > pursue a lawsuit: > > (1) Inappropriate use of a personal name. Slander-Stalking "Archimedes Plutonium's personal name is for external use only. If Archimedes Plutonium's personal name causes a rash, see a psychiatrist." > (2) Unpaid advertisement use of a personal "famous" name for the > gainsake of acquiring new subscribers to std.com Hey, they can use my famous name if they want. Oh, you mean your "famous" name. I'm sorry, Archie, but you aren't even "famous" in quotes, you haven't yet been on "Match Game". Please be more famous than Skip Stephenson and then have your people call my people. > (3) Vigilante stalking harrassement by sysadmin of ISP YAY! ARCHIE PROMOTED ME! > (4) Nonfunctional "abuse" desk at std.com. Why have a commercial > "abuse desk" when it is never used for abuse generated by std.com Oh, come on, I'm sure that whatever their abuse desk looks like, it's at least as swell as The Plutonium Atom Foundation's "Legal-Law Desk". > (5) Constant disturbance and interference of the serious newsgroups > of sci from the joke newsgroup of alt Archie proves there is only one newsgroup in alt.*, film at ...11111:1111111. > (6) Search-Engine-Bombing disabling practice So now you're upset that people are disabling your ability to "search-engine-bomb", whatever that is? > I certify to a court, that this bill was sent to std.com to the name > of Barry Shein on this date of 10DEC98. > Carbon Copy: Usenet: misc.legal Oooh, it must be legally binding, a Carbon Copy was posted to Usenet! Archie, next time, the carbon paper is supposed to have the black side facing AWAY from you. > Note: the first two words "From the" are vivaldi font; rest is in > geneva font and the headers are in gold as per the letterhead of the > Plutonium Atom Foundation, but no use in wasting this nice cotton paper > on the above) I'm glad to see your typography is as gifted as your lawyering. I'm sure the lawyers really care to know which Mac fonts you use, too. Also, can you prove it's REAL gold? If it's just yellowish-orange ink or brass foil, you're going to jail for perjury AND for counterfeiting! > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > > BEGIN BACKGROUND DATA FOR THE LAWSUIT: > > Dejanews search for Oct 1 1998 to Dec 1 1998 > Messages 301-398 of exactly 398 matches for search archimedes plutonium > and James "Kibo" Parry: Arch, did you read the little disclaimer at the bottom of DejaNews? -> Our Author Profile is a great way to get insight into an author's Usenet -> presence and find out what he/she is interested in. Indexing errors -> however, though rare, can occur. Because of this, the forum names/counts -> may not always be completely accurate, and as our disclaimer states, we -> are not liable for said inaccuracy. You can always check the actual -> message numbers by clicking on each forum link. I.e. Legally speaking, DejaNews might as well just be flashing a big red "WE MADE THESE NUMBERS UP" when you get to court. -> By your continued use of our service, you agree to be bound by the terms -> expressed in our disclaimer, and agree not to hold Deja News responsible -> for the contents of the Usenet database, or any inaccuracies in the -> information provided. ...and that links to their disclaimer page, which says: -> Computerized search technology does not give you search results limited -> to only the matches that you were seeking; there may be extraneous matches -> as well. In other words, any good lawyer (that is, anyone who doesn't sit at the special little desk at the Plutonium Atom Foundation) will say in court, "Look, this Internet service says their counts may not be accurate and that there may be extraneous matches. Mr. Plutonium -- IF THAT IS INDEED YOUR LEGAL NAME -- can you PROVE that EVERY ONE OF THESE 398 CITATIONS REPRESENTS THE DEFENDANT TRYING TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS THAT YOU THINK YOU'RE CLAIMING?" Personally, I suspect that you couldn't prove anything about anything from my silly posts, but don't take my word for it because I don't have any idea what you think you're talking about. -- K. Also, does it count if I quote Archie mentioning his own name? Does it count if I say "Archim*des Plut*nium"? "ARCH1M3D33Z PL00T0N1UM"? "Ludwig Poehlmann"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,misc.legal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: lawsuit on std.com (long) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 02:16:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) > posted a 2,775-line (106k) message including these chunks: > > > > If this bill is not paid, and/or other inappropriate use of my name > > over Internet, then be advised that the Plutonium Atom Foundation will > > pursue a lawsuit: > > dear Mr. Kibo "James" Parry: > > since Mr. Science Plutonium is giving you a choice here, I > suggest you make best use of it. > > YOU MUST PAY THE BILL, OR USE HIS NAME INAPPROPRIATELY. Must... use... name... inappropriately... MMM!! ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM NOW TASTES MORE LIKE MESQUITE!!! "Mommy, if I ever have to fix a flat tire when I grow up, should I use Archimedes Plutonium?" IMPORTANT ERRATUM: WE APOLOGIZE FOR PUTTING "ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM" UNDER "G" WHEN HE CLEARLY BELONGS UNDER "V". SINCERELY, ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. Never put Archimedes Plutonium in your ears for an hour after swimming! CLICK, WHIRRRRR, THUNK YOUR FORTUNE IS: GOOD YOUR WEIGHT IS: ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM Fill in the blank, Charles Nelson Reilly! "Archie Plutonium, Hanh hanh!" "Mommy, why is Archimedes Plutonium president of the Universe?" Dear Archimedes Plutonium, If these do not prove to be inappropriate please tell me how I may best use your name less uninappropriately. Yours Et Cetera, Signature Et Cetera. P.S. This sentence is giving you a wedgie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Lawsuit on sysadmin of various ISP Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 07:29:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Riboflavin" (ribo@mindspring.com) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > Although I > > am unsure as to whether Phoenix is a sysadmin, I am reasonably certain > > that he is a worker of the Internet sector that is ranked equal to or > > above that of a sysadmin. > > Ohh... the 'Internet Sector'. Tell me, Mr. Plutonium, what other sectors of > the electron that makes up the whole observable universe have you named? > Also, how does Phoenix post from this 'Internet Sector'? I'm just wondering what Checkpoint Charlie looks like between the Internet Sector and where Archie lives. Also, I like the fact that Archie has, for the first time, expressed some small doubt that maybe, just maybe, not everyone other than him is an administrator. You know, I think that would be a good state of affairs. Quick, someone, write a computer simulation of what would happen if everyone on the Internet was a system administrator except for Archie. > [big snip] > > > > (3) The Mindspring.com gang of Phoenix, Riboflavin, Jeff Leader, and > > various other > > YEAH, BOYYYYZ! Phoenix, me, and our Leader, Jeff are part of a gang! Don't gangs have to be .org? Of course, it always bothers me that the InterNIC decided that organized crime is .com and not .org. > Mr. Plutonium, since you discovered that we are in a gang, could you > please tell us what our gang colors are? I think you'd get a funnier answer from Hannu Poropudas, whose little daughter Hanna-Maria helped him determine that neutrinos are orange with green stripes and pink polka dots and come out of The Space Potato. I don't think Archie is that creative. > If you fail to do so, then I will be forced to consult with the other > gang members and select a nice color scheme, which may not match the one > in your lawsuit Don't forget to pick a font, too. I am guessing his lawsuit is in something along the lines of 144-point TrueType Vivaldi Bold Italic Underline Outline Shadowed Strikethru. Well, at least his name. I think the rest of the lawsuit is probably just in 2-point Zapf Dingbats Extra Invisible in the fourth dimension. > and almost certainly won't match your legal stationary. "Your honor, the defendant cannot make this motion because he is stationary!" > Also, could the other memebers of the gang please contact > me so that we can arrange a meeting somewhere to hang around menacingly? > > I BUST A CAP IN YO ASS, SCIENCE BOY! Hey, hey, let's not be dissin' the King of Science. His graffiti tag's bigger than yo' mama's! Hmm, it would be an interesting project to set up a "graffiti wall" at Dartmouth and see how many seconds it takes before it's completely covered with stuff about plutonium atoms. > > pseudo-named > > Yes Mr. Plutonium, I've concealed my name so carefully in all of my posts > that you'll NEVER figure out what my real name is. I'll give Mr. Plutonium a hint: It either contains "Doug" or "Potter" or "Lee" and "Smith" or "David" or "Hudec". YOU FIGURE OUT WHERE THE PARENTHESES GO AND WHERE THE LIES END. > > rogue sysadm types > > oohhh... this bit warrants its own post. Every word Archie says warrants its own post. In fact, the only way to find merit in Mr. Plutonium's scientific work is to break it down into individual words. "plutonium" has such a nice shape because it's got so many different kinds of letters, but it would be better if the "p" were in the middle. Descender, you know. > > who searchenginebomb, and stalk harrass. > > Stalk harrass? I've never even seen herass. > > These persons I am guessing are sysadmin or comparable > > or higher rank. Ah, now he's admitted that only some of the people in the Internet Sector conspiracy are system administrators, the others are those who have more rank on the Internet than the system administrators. Hmm. Systems integration vendors, maybe? (Perhaps Hewlett-Packard gave him that screen saver where all his virtual fish died when he bought an Apple printer?) > Dear Mindspring, > > I hereby apologize for never showing up for work, but the King of Science > himself has informed me that I am a sysadmin of your business. Please > forward all of the accumulated back pay to me, and I will show up for work > next week to begin the advertising campaign. > > Sincerely, > > Socrates Molybdenum (Age 7) Hey! Can I vote on your advertising campaign, and if you win, can we impeach you? If you say no, I won't be too upset, as we can still work on getting our jollies by impeaching the President Of Science. > > The trial should be fun, to see a dozen or 20 rogue sysadmin types > > summoned from all parts of the US and even overseas and standing to one > > side of the courtroom with their hands in their pockets. And there I > > am, the plaintiff pro per on the other side with a smile on my face. > > Seeing a bunch of sysadmin types with their hands in their pockets gives you > a smile? You're even sicker than I thought! Also note he did not mention in whose pockets HIS hands are. He pointed out recently that NASA has deep pockets, so there you go. --> Then a physics law would be that the coat has a --> zipper and this law would describe how the zipper works. Another law --> would be the pockets, and another law would be the material the coat is --> made up of, and another would be the shape of the coat, etc etc -- Archimedes Plutonium, "Semper Fi Atom Reincarnation", March 1997 > > Perhaps these rogue sysadmin have met each other at various > > conferences before, well, now they can meet each other in a court > > trial. > > Yay!!! Sysadmin party time! Break out the lusernames, we're here to kick > searchenginebomb ass and chew bubblegum! It's a good thing he hasn't heard of USENIX. (And you thought the people who DO show up there are eccentric.) I think it would be fun to get Archie a pass to a major tradeshow (like one of the bigger COMDEXes, say Las Vegas) and just see what he's like when he's turned loose in an enormous room with 50,000 different computer products that he thinks are being used solely to suppress his theory. And then he'd have to go past a bank of slot machines by the exit. -- K. COMDEX L.V. has given me a lifelong love of gambling, provided I always win. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: lawsuit on various sysadmin of various ISP; what Federal court? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 09:32:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > So far I have charges on AOL of Virginia, std of Boston, ml.org of > Pittsburgh, > newsguy of California, and Concordia Univ in Montreal. Hey, Arch, have you heard? There's a difference between a domain name like "ml.org" and a corporation. I don't think you can sue a domain name. (Or maybe you should do the experiment. Bring a class-action lawsuit against ".com" and see what happens. Better yet, try just suing the "." part to include everyone.) > [...] > > The fact that I am suing a group of five (probably more) companies > with their rogue sysadm would that constitute a Federal Court case? I don't think your wacko ideas about the entire Internet ganging up on you merit a case of Pez, let alone a Federal case. > And could I place it in the Federal Court closest to New Hampshire > seeing that the Internet is nationwide and that AOL and the other ISP > have posted nationwide? No, the Internet is nationwide, so you have to use the only court which covers ALL of the country -- The Supreme Court. By the way, Archie, the Internet doesn't stop at the edges of the United States. So change that to The World Court in Europe. > How would the logistics of this case be organized? Could I file it > in New Hampshire (assuming that Concord NH is the Federal court) and > then require the defendants to come up here to NH for the trial? Like someone more experienced about this than me plus ten of you said, they'd be happy to go anywhere once you mail them the airline tickets and get them hotel rooms. Of course, I doubt you'll be paying anyone's airfare given that you can't even afford an Internet connection or a lawyer. Don't forget the countersuit where you'll have to pay AOL's legal fees. (Hmm, and you're going to have to buy airfare for *all* of AOL's management, and possibly their users, depending on how many thousands of them you think are stalking you.) > In my mind I am trying to relate to an analogy. In my mind you are rolling around on the floor in your own drool. > Suppose it was not > rogue ISP sysadmin but instead it was the telephone operators of > various telephone companies that were attacking a private citizen. > Would this imaginary citizen file the suit in his home state federal > court and require the telephone companies to have to come to his home > state? I don't know. Does this imaginary citizen also have an imaginary "Legal-Law Desk" at his imaginary "Plutonium Atom Foundation", and if so, would he be filing imaginary imaginary lawsuits or real imaginary lawsuits? > Thanks in advance for any help on these questions You're welcome. Hugs! -- K. BUT NOT KISSES! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: lawsuit on various sysadmin of various ISP; what Federal court? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 02:55:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, sane person Tonya Fellini (nix@nallygockin.com) replied to Archimedes Plutonium: > > You are truly a quack ... Oh, he doesn't pretend to be a doctor, just a highly-skilled lawyer. Observe that he has figured out that doctors and lawyers are slightly different: -> From: Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Archimedes Plutonium) -> Newsgroups: misc.legal -> Subject: lawyer career as compared to doctor career; some impressions -> Date: 10 Nov 1998 09:13:59 GMT -> Organization: learning to become a lawyer -> -> Recently I became pro per, my own lawyer. I am working on my case. And -> I am having fun. I am naturally logical and talented in logic and am -> orderly and so I find lawyer work as rather easy for me. Of course the -> future days when I appear in court to do talking will require different -> talents. But I have made this observation so far about my case and -> lawyers in general. -> -> I find it rather easy to become a lawyer if one is good at organizing -> and good at speaking in front of people. But one is not good at -> becoming an instant doctor, medical doctor performing surgery just from -> the spur of the moment. -> But that becoming a lawyer from the spur of the moment is not that -> difficult. -> -> And I had thought that since it is really not that difficult to -> become a lawyer as compared to a medical surgery doctor, that lawyers -> would be nice and friendly and cheerful sort of people. That they got -> life nice and cozy. -> -> [...] Unless of course you mean that he goes around saying "QUACK, QUACK, QUACK" all the time, which I could see happening. Although I prefer to think of him more as a turkey than a duck, because I wouldn't be surprised if one day Archie drowned in the rain from staring at the sky with his mouth open. -- K. Some days I ask myself if everyone is too mean to poor mentally disfigured Archie. Then I remember that he's The King Of Science, and just as the Code of Hammurabi says "a cat may look at a king," a bozo like me may laugh at a quack. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.imploding.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: One Chance Type Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 04:47:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Juliette Cutler Page (editor@feminista.com) wrote: > > leah verre (leahv@humongous.com, I think) said: > > > > That's it. > > I'm sending in Dave Pacheko. > > yay! i like dave pochacco! he looks all white and fuzzy. did you know > that banana ice cream is his all time favorite? He is also a leap year > pup, celebrating his birthday on February 29th. > > Happy birthday in advance, David Pochacco! All right, that's it. I expect an article about typography, and I get a Sanrio reference instead, AND IT'S NOT EVEN BADTZ-MARU, THE PENGUIN OF PUNISHMENT! Now I hate David Pacheco and his friends Kerokeroppi, Ahiru No Pekkle, and especially Holly Hobbie!!! > Actually, though, I prefer to think of him as David Pachinko. > > "People say Pachinko is culture of Japan. About 30 millions Japanese play > Pachinko game in a year. Why succeed Pachinko business in Japan? Because > Pachinko game is very exciting, and has a charm to appeal. Also it has small balls. > There are about 18 thousand Pachinko parlors in Japan, and carry on > business unique each other. Pachinko parlors are making efforts to acquire > many customers. Nowadays, People say that Pachinko is amusement with being > able to play easily. The customers are happiest when they hit a jackpot, DUH-HUH. Dear Japan, we have an even better game here called "A Slot Machine In Kibo's Gaming Parlour". Unlike Pachinko, which is a form of gambling, in the United States slot machines are just GAMING so they're legal and stuff, and you'd like to play Kibo's Slot Machine because unlike Pachinko, where people are happiest when they win enormous numbers of ball bearings, at Kibo's Gaming Parlour people are happiest when they LOSE lots of money! (Well, some of us are happy when you lose.) If you mistakenly win, don't fret, you can use the money to buy happiness. IN THE UNITED STATES THE ROADS ARE PAVED WITH HAPPINESS! AROUND HERE WE WALK ON CRUSHED HAPPINESS ALL DAY! I AM STOMPING ALL OVER HAPPINESS! YAY! > and subsequent get about 2400 balls at a time. There are many kinds of > Pachinko machines in parlors, and a maker like us have to produce many > attractive machines. I think a Pez Pachinko machine would be cool. You'd tilt this giant head of Astro Boy back and be dry-drenched in a shower of tiny candy balls. You know, like Sixlets, except made of actual candy. > FEVER, "One chance type" is a most popular type in Japan now, and this > type has a picture like a TV set or drum in the center of the panel, Holy cow, Japan's almost caught up to American marketing of the 1950s, where Swanson came up with the idea of a frozen turkey dinner (to use up their Thanksgiving leftovers) and called it "Swanson T.V. Brand Dinner" and put it inside a cardboard television set. Next you're going to tell me the Pachinko machine isn't even shaped like a Japanese TV set but one of the ones from the many, many American TV factories which are cranking out millions of six-foot-thick TV sets with oval screens and Horizontal Hold knobs every day. > and the customers win a jackpot when three identical figures appear at the > same time. A big pocket called an "Attacker" will open, which allows balls > to enter easily. This is like a slot machine, only slot machines actively suck the money out of your pocket. And they haven't yet invented a Pachinko machine that can suck your balls. <-- I PUT THIS IN JUST FOR JAFFO'S DIRTY DIRTY LITTLE MIND. > About 220 nails are placed on the panel, and a parlor adjusts these nails > to control odds. New! Lee Press-On Pachinko Nails! Control Your Odds For Romance! > The customers will select a machine by checking those > nails see whether balls enter easily or not. But it is hard to tell based > on the placement of nails which machine will give them more chance to win. > Because skilled experts manage to control these nails unknown to > customers. The tactics between Pachinko parlor and customers are very > important. See, this is different from American slot machines, which cannot be rigged, especially the computerized ones which are connected to the Internet. > We explain "What is pachinko" to you, and Pachinko business is growing to > be a base of society in Japanese industry." > (http://www.sankyo-fever.co.jp/english/english.html) Chevy Chase: "Hi, I'm Mr. Sankyou. Would you say my name please?" Other Guy: "Sankyou." Chevy Chase: "You're welcome, ha-ha!" -- actual highlight from classic American television which I wonder what it would sound like dubbed into Japanese and back into English and then into Klingon and then back into Old English > Dave Pachinko is amusement with being able to play easily! see? > > Also related to pachinko, somehow, is the following japanese paralympics > web site, which notes: > > "There are more things to see however. Have a look at the very interesting > history behind the 700 year old Zenkoji temple. A link to USA TODAY will > take you there. And don't forget to read another chapter of Erik Gingles' > book THE MIGHTY CHOPSTICK. I keep reading that sentence and it keeps saying his name is Erik Giggles. He doesn't look like Larry Drake, does he? Was he on St. Elsewhere with the talking car guy, or was that "Knight Rider 2000"? > There are two new photo sections to check and > the full medal count. Also stay tuned as we take you through the > Paraolympics following the regular Winter Olympics and subsequent > SCUTTLEBUTT over the next week." > (http://user.cnet.ne.jp/g/gingles/default.htm) I've always wanted to actually see a butt get scuttled by pirates. Especially if it's curvy and they're scurvy. > p.s. IMPEACH LEAH VERRE! LEAH VERRE AND THE GIANT PEACH by Roald McDonald "Waah! I'm trapped in a giant peach with icky bugs!" said Leah Verre, the Queen Of Clickpoints. Then the peach rolled down a hill into the ocean where it floated across the ocean and got sucked into a giant whirlpool because it was actually a tiny peach dropped by the Tidy Bowl Man. THE END. See, life is more fun when you have no concept of scale. -- K. Especially if you factor in giant Pez dispenser and/or tiny people who live in the toilet. They should bring back those commercials. "NOW THE TINY MAN IS LIVING IN YOUR TOILET AGAIN!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.imploding.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: One Chance Type Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 08:08:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > > > The funniest thing about Knight-Ridder [newspaper syndicate] > > is that, for many many many years, I really *did* think it said > > "Knight Rider". > > That's not funny enough to be a SSC, but it's good fodder for people who > > want to insult me. Not about the confusion of the two, just about the fact that you liked "Knight Rider", a show that was NOT FOR GIRLS! ONLY BOYS! FULLY GROWN-UP ADULT BOYS TOO, NOT KIDS!!! I still envy Berke Breathed for being the first person to realize that "Knight Rider" was a show intended for children. He was a genius! Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I have two spelling bee trophies. Mmm, glass trophies filled with bees. And bacon. I have an award I got for being Vice President of the Schenectady County Community College's Math Club. The inscription reads "FOR VOLUNTEERING BECAUSE SOMEONE HAD TO EVEN THOUGH THIS POSITION ACTUALLY MAKES YOUR RESUME'S LIST OF EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES LESS IMPRESSIVE." > Yet, I could not spell "Roosevelt" until I was 17. > > I thought the creator of Star Trek was Gene "Roodenberry". People under 17 who can spell "Roddenberry": BRAINY nerds. People under 17 who misspell "Roddenberry": DUMB nerds! People under 17 who haven't heard of him: SUPER-JOCKS!!! Short shameful confession: Even when "Knight Rider" originally aired I recognized the "Knight Rider" typeface as Rubens, a popular wood type from the late 1800s. (It was cut in both metal and wood in many different widths, with varying degrees of floridity.) How they chose it I shall never know. If they had hired me I would've drawn something that looked like those faux high-tech futuristic logotypes they put on car bumpers, only actually cool and futuristic, not one of those things that looks like Microgramma Extended with the "E"'s spine removed. ALSO THE "AUTOMAN" TITLE CARD WAS CROOKED!!! > Also, through a weird wackyparsing that occurs on blurry monitors, I > thought the kook that claimed to be Kibo all the time was "Grodor". That phony Tolkein name is activating a distant neuron several miles behind the front of my brain... whirr, bzzt, click, DING DING DING!!! Oh lordy. You have just made an SSI, Inc. reference that has communicated to me something over TEN BILLION LIGHT-YEARS beyond the McIrvin limit, and I'm using "light-year" as a unit of COOLNESS. So to make a surreal association here I would have omitted the above paragraph and talked about Apache Web server directives such as and you would have never known about the people who made all those games where the rulebooks were broken down into numbered sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub paragraphs and every game came with 10,000,000 different cardboard "chits" with armies printed on them off-center and they were so badly perforated that after you spent six hours punching them all out most of the armies had hairy tufts on the corners like that pillow that kept getting censored from "Beetle Bailey". Oh dear, I just went past the McIrvin Limit again. I guess now I'm going to have to mail him an envelope containing all of the belly buttons from "Beetle Bailey" and "I Dream Of Jeannie". -- K. Last night on the Sci-Fi Channel Lee Meriwether ("The Time Tunnel") told the story about how DeForest Kelley used to yank her costume down to look at the contents of her navel. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: possible lawsuit on NASA (US govt); Ken Hollis Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 05:59:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > LETTER SIGNED AND MAILED IN POST ON 12DEC98 > From the legal-law Desk of the Archimedes Plutonium Wow! Now he's THE Archimedes Plutonium! It's like the difference between Frank Avruch and Larry Harmon: One was A bozo, the other is THE Bozo! Archie, which of the two are you? > Address: Archimedes Plutonium, Hinman Box 6165, Dartmouth College, > Hanover NH 03755 > Date: 12DEC98 > To: NASA > National Aeronautics and Space Administration > 300 E. St. SW > Washington, DC 20546 Why do I get the feeling that this isn't the first letter he's sent them? "Dear NASA, I would like to be a astronaut. Because I like your TV show, 'Star Wars'. Please send me a autographed photo of the space shuttle. Your friend, A. Plutonium. Excuse me, The Plutonium." > > Subject: Bill-for-Payment > > This is a bill for the willful attempt by NASA to disable the > searchengine machinery of Archimedes Plutonium and colleagues on the > Internet from 1997-1998. Wow! Archie is the guy with the hardhat in those commercials for NBC's "snap.com"! Archie, your imaginary industrial infrastructure is polluting our environment with toxic plutonium and its by-products, including replies from jerks like me. > According to Dejanews search engine Ken Hollis > via gandalf@digital.net posting a periodic and repetitious FAQ which he > calls "troll FAQ" but rather, which has the underlying intent to > multiply over the Internet searchengines and to bomb-out Archimedes > Plutonium Why do I get the feeling that he learned his grammar from a textbook written by that master of the English language, L. Ron Hubbard? > from search engine machinery. NASA generated 55 such > search-engine-bombs from 1997-1998 upon Archimedes Plutonium and > science colleagues. I can't wait 'til the part of the trial where you try to get people to admit under oath that they are your colleagues. > The charge for each post (bomb) whose intent, or effect, is to disable > machinery used by the Plutonium Atom Foundation and science colleagues > is a flat fee of $500. per post (bomb). Whether the search engine bomb > was sent by Ken Hollis of gandalf, or by others spreading the Hollis > FAQ, makes no difference. The intent or effect is there, and is to > disable the searchengines seeking Archimedes Plutonium and science > colleagues. The US law has a $500 fine per disabling tactics of Fac > machines of private citizens. Now, see, if Archie were British, he could have said he was a "Fac Tory". I MADE THAT PUN UP ALL BY MYSELF!!!! > And the US law forbids the disabling of > government computer machines and govt Fac machines. Yes, it's in the Consticution. Written in the state of Connecticuc. > Yet, it appears as though the US government in the likes of NASA, > Ken Hollis is engaged in disabling the search engine machinery of > private US citizens. I... see. So now your theory is that NASA spends its time heading the vast conspiracy to disagree with Archimedes Plutonium's completely sane ideas, a conspiracy which includes AOL, a Canadian university, me, Andrew Wiles, the New York Times, the Jews who run the New York Times, and various Internet service providers. Just out of curiosity, Arch, are there any people who aren't in the conspiracy to overthrow you as King of Science? Other than you and Popeye. > The total charge to NASA from the Internet platform of > alt.syntax.tactical "troll FAQ" attempting to disable the searchengine > machinery of Archimedes Plutonium and colleagues is a charge of 55 x > $500 = $27,500. You are given 2 months to pay this bill from the date > of mailing 12DEC98. Again, further proof that Archie hasn't yet considered using his great genius to figure out a way around the Year 2000 Bug. > Carbon Copy: Usenet: misc.legal "YOUR HONOR, IT MUST BE LEGALLY BINDING, HE POSTED A CARBON COPY TO USENET!" (Mental image: Archie pressing a sheet of carbon paper against his Mac's screen.) > Note: the first two words "From the" are vivaldi font; rest is in > geneva font You should only use the Geneva font when suing the U.N. When suing NASA you should use some nice American font, or possibly something which reflects the your personality, such as Zapf Dingbats. > and the headers are in gold as per the letterhead of the > Plutonium Atom Foundation, but no use in wasting this nice cotton paper > on the above). Yeah, let's just waste people's time on the Internet. WASTE IMAGINARY CARBON PAPER, NOT REAL PAPER!!! -- K. A carbon copy of this has been sent to the Trilateral Commission by carrier pigeon, NO SOAP, RADIO, RADIO!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: possible lawsuit on NASA (US govt); Ken Hollis Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:14:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Ken Hollis works for NASA and his job with NASA assigns him computer > work. I do not think NASA required him to do a "troll FAQ" or even to > create a alt.sytax.tactical as a attack platform on private US > citizens, but it ended up as such. So you're saying that you're suing NASA even though by your own admission they WEREN'T responsible for the actions you think Mr. Hollis performed? Wow, it takes GUTS to be that insane. (I only said he has guts to be nice, because I always try to be nice to crazy people and not point out their obvious faults.) > It is obvious that Ken Hollis is one of those "loose cannons" > employed by the US government. How else can one explain a NASA worker > creating a "troll FAQ" and attacking private citizens, but as one with > "loose cannon and marbles." I see, so you're saying that Mr. Hollis is the one who took your marbles? > And although he is not as dangerous as the > loose cannon depicted in the SSBN nuclear sub movies such as RED > OCTOBER, nonetheless, engineers who work for the government should be > looked at closely once they display a "loose-cannon syndrome". I see, so you case is based on the fact that NASA is just like a movie in which Sean Connery pretended to have a Russian accent and his nose became transparent whenever he stood in front of the bluescreen? That movie was every bit as realistic as any Connery movie, including "Goldfinger", "Highlander 2: The Quickening", and "Zardoz"! > The US govt has a knack of moving employees around and they just may > put him near a SSBN or a shuttle or spacecraft. Yeah, the generals who command NASA might break him to Space Ensign! > His "troll FAQ" is all a facade. His real intentions are to name > everyone he dislikes into that FAQ such that the person's searchengine > is utterly bombed out. Here we have a clear cut case of a US govt > employee attacking private US citizens. > > Now many will say I sent NASA the letter because NASA has deep > pockets, much deeper than does some piddly ISP company. Yeah, and the federal government doesn't even have any mean-spirited lawyers working for it! Have you considered sending a copy of your letter to Ken Starr? > But that is not why I sent NASA the letter. The reason I sent it to them > is because a alt newsgroup FAQ is preposterous in the first place. CURSES! NASA IS CAUGHT IN AN INESCAPABLE GRAVITY WELL OF LOGIC!!! > The creation of alt.sytax.tactical is a attack platform. > And the mixing of FAQ, where newbies post the FAQ in their newsgroup, > unaware of Ken Hollis, US Govt real intention of bombing out the search > engines of private citizens. You know, it's interesting how the more carefully he tries to explain his beliefs to us the harder they are to understand. > I see little difference in bombing out a private citizens Fac. > machine where the law is a $500 fine per post. And that of bombing out > a private citizens Search Engines. We now have laws governing > "Emailbombing". We do not have laws governing "Searchengingbombing". Yes, and we also do not have any against "blurchengingbonging". > A case against the US govt NASA may correct this gap. I was under the impression that electroshock therapy _creates_ gaps. -- K. AND REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T SPELL "SEARCHENGINGBOMBING" WITHOUT "ARCH"! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Profiles of Courage Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:59:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.tech-support.recovery, "Sentinel" (sentinel@watch.com) wrote: > > Fav Luser Profiles: > > [...] > > Mr. Johnson > Used to have a genius IQ he once told me. He got into a car accident > and now he claims it is a little below average. I told him not to short > change himself, at least he can use a phone. His calls are never without > background noises of yowling cats in heat (he has 40 cats that he breads) For deep-frying or baking? I think you should be more nice to the kind customers who rely on your help. Then they'll start sending you little gifts such as baskets of sliced cat fritters. -- K. Mmm, popcorn whiskers! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Record store DIVIDeRs. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 09:26:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "brian eable" (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote, with annoying spacing: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > The dividers at the Circuit City don't have umlauts in the heavy metal > > band names, but > > > > they capitalize the W in Jeff FoxWorthy's name. > > > > As they should! But I forgot to mention that at Tower Records, they > > put the first two letters of each band name in VIVALDI font, and > > the rest of the name goes in GENEVA font. Now my question for > > Kibo, or maybe Archimedes Plutonium, is, is Tower Records asking > > for a good lawsuiting here? I mean are they just bending over > > with their pants down begging to be lawsuited or what? They > > have deliberately and with malice aforethought STOLEN THE > > PROPRIETARY AND PATENTED FONTING TECHNOLOGY > > SCHEME OF THE PLUTONIUM ATOM FOUNDATION AND > > THEY MUST BE LAWSUITED UNTIL THEY STOP IT! You are right. Also the word "TOWER" on their sign is in a Lefty(R)-styled font and Lefty(R) is patented by Fonts For You(R), the chief typographic innovators of our age, who have invented the system of classifying all fonts as "Basic", "Modern", and "Jazzy", which is why Tower uses stupid fonts on their John Coltrane albums. > > > > What fonts do Circuit City use on their DIVIDeRs, Nick? I was at the Prudential Star tonight and noticed that now all their rolled-up-paper "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR"s have been stolen. I was tempted to grab a carton of milk off the shelf and write "dividEr-DIVIDeR" on it and see how long it would sit by the cash register before someone stole the month-old unrefrigerated milk. > cheers > > Beable van Beable > > BEABLE INDUSTRIES That's "Beable van Beavle", if you want to be authentic to Ludwig van Ludvig. He also said we must pronounce his first name "Log-Wig" because he didn't like "Loot-Wig" or "Lewd-Wig", but I don't know if that made his last name "Log-Fig". Of course, then he changed his name to "Ludwig Plutonium", and then he changed it to "Archimedes Plutonium", and so the next step will be "Archimedes Archemides". -- K. I am still tempted to LEGALLY change my name to Euripides Pantaloonium for twenty-four hours as a performance art/societal protest masterpiece of annoyance. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.toys.my-little-pony,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Recording your own voice into talking ponies Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 10:14:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.toys.my-little-pony, "The EH Man" (theehman@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Radio Shack used to sell these audio playback circuits that allowed > you to record a sound into it and playback on demand. They may still > sell it. You could program your message into it, pop the ponies head > off, and put the circuit inside. I tried that with my dog once but after that he was actually less fun to play with. Also once I loosened up his pop-off head I couldn't keep a leash on him. > You might need someone with > electronics talent to help you, but it may be your best bet. You know, in our society, it is perfectly socially acceptable to collect My Little Pony dolls. And it's acceptable to collect talking pony dolls. And it's acceptable to perform surgery on talking ponies. But when you decide that your little imaginary ponies must talk to you in your own voice, I worry that society has become too weird. I think I'll go live inside a mountain now until someone comes up with a bomb that only destroys Furbies. -- K. I apologize for being mean to Furby, but my Furby called me a bad name. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.startrek.klingon,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Roddenberry, Klingons, the Bible? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 07:04:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Vicarius" (kylek@magicnet.net) wrote: > > Is it not possible that the physical and cultural characteristics of the > Klingons were derived from a biblical tribe? I understand the coldwar > symbolism. Just trying to nail a trivia question posed. thx, I believe The Clam Heads With Stick-On Eyebrows And Brown Pudding Smeared Over Almost All Of Their Faces Except Right Near Their Hair Tribe is prominently featured in Genesis 17:01. You know it's TRUE because if you look close in "Star Trek II: The Return Of Kahn" you can see "17:01" painted on the side of the Genesis Machine when it fires its photon torpedoes at the USS Reliant! -- K. Also, MARJOE GORTNER SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THAT MOVIE!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.startrek.klingon,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Roddenberry, Klingons, the Bible? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 09:37:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.startrek.klingon and alt.religion.kibology, "Sadric" (dperk914@earthlink.net) wrote: > > [re Kibo's assertion that Klingon makeup was actually brown pudding from > the Paramount commisary] > > we must accept this to be true because as all of the old web heads know, > Kibo is God! Yes, indeed, Jean Roddenberry and her husband, Major Barrett, once wrote a "Star Trek: TOS" episode (before they dropped the "TOS" from the on-screen titles in 1967) in which the Enterprise encountered God, but then they realized that he was just Kibo, and they all got drunk together. Except for Scotty, who hadn't yet developed that lovable drinking problem. That's what's refereshing about "Babylon 5" -- you never saw anyone anywhere near an alcoholic beverage. -- K. And I never did either. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,sci.econ,soc.history,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: sci.legal-law Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 07:04:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.usenet.kooks In misc.legal, sci.econ, and soc.history -- three of which couldn't care less -- Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I need some writing on science-legal-laws for my website. So let this > be the start of the discussion which I shall add to as time permits. I > call it legal-law because in physics or the hard core sciences we use > the concept of "law". In physics a law is different from that of what > legal system denotes as law. Yes, and in your case, what you denote as a law is different from what sane people denote as a law. > In an Atom Totality theory, I need to explain the major human fields > of endeavor and legal-law or justice system is one of them. I call this > field sci.legal-law. Also don't forget sci.science-sci and, just for you, alt.sci.physics.archie-plutonium-pu. By the way, I am still wondering about those times when you sign your name as "Pu". Do you pronounce your name "POO" or "PEE-YEW"? Either way would be highly undignified, so I suggest you change your name to a science word that has fewer associations with bathroom humor. My suggestions are as "Uranus" and "latus rectum". > According to the Atom Totality theory since history is physics and > since legal-law systems are embedded in history, then those two > sciences: sci.history and sci.legal-law parallel one another. And > according to the Atom Totality theory, superdeterminism is the > mechanism of what happens. > > Theory of Sci.Legal-Law, using Atom Totality theory: Given any moment > in time whether past, present or future, and provided there is a > legal-law system, then, that legal law system will be composed in such > a manner as to keep a steady and constant social momentum as to the > creation of the next heaviest elements beyond uranium. Are you sure you're not proposing sci.bozo-bo? So, you are proposing a system of laws to prevent people from NOT discovering new elements? Just out of curiosity, how would these codes read in legal terminology? ("Your honor, I would like to call the court's attention to the fact that the plaintiff, Mr. Plutonium -- IF THAT IS INDEED HIS NAME -- while testifying in his lawsuit against NASA, the New York Times, and the Moon IS NOT SYNTHESIZING NEW ELEMENTS BEYOND URANIUM, and I would like to enter into evidence a list of all the elements that Mr. Plutonium is not synthesizing right now. Mr. Plutonium should go to jail until he demonstrates he is capable of discovering at least one new element every five seconds retroactively over his entire life.") > Let me talk about this for gain in clarity. The march of human > history looks rather chaotic and not at all constant and steady. You're absolutely right, it's constantly chaotic. > But really is the march of human history chaotic? No. If you look at human > history through a time line of invention of transportation, then it is > a steady constant flow of ever increasingly better transportation. Look > at a time line of clothing and that also is a steady progress of better > clothes. Newton looked at an apple and deduced the nature of gravitation. Archie is the only scientist I know who can look at a clothesline and deduce the existence of a clothesline. > The entire legal system of all of humanity at a given moment in time > is arranged so as to make the progress of nucleosynthesizing the next > heaviest element in a steady smooth flow. > > We think we make these rules which are legal laws because they are > the best way to "get along". But actually we make these rules because a > higher providence is forcing us to make these laws to abide by. > > To give you an example: slavery. I forget -- is slavery element #1864 or #1865? > Through much of human history, we did not have the modern forms of > power generation. Instead we relied mostly on human or animal power to > do things. Thus, people enslaved other people. And in the past, the > laws were arranged to accomodate slavery. Slavery was an answer for > "power generation" in the past history. Now we see slavery as a sin and > have laws prohibiting, but we also have power generation of energy > through means where slavery would be an impractical alternative. Yeah, it's a good thing we can no longer hire mentally handicapped people to wash dishes for a sub-minimum wage. > So, I am beginning to form a sci.legal-law theory using the Atom > Totality with its Superdeterminism mechanism. And this theory briefly > says that the justice system of the world at any given time (all the > legal-laws combined) is such that the flow of progress of > nucleosynthesizing the next heaviest element beyond uranium is a smooth > and steady flow of progress. Legal laws are made so that all the > actions and interactions of all humans and connected with the > legal-laws associated therewith, are such that the flow of progress of > creating newer heavier elements is a steady and smooth flow progress. > > Economics, like sci.legal-law is also connected in this sort of > picture to nucleosynthesis of heavier elements. > > Think of God as 231Pu and God gives humanity legal-laws. We > understand the laws and the reasons for needing the laws so that > society can run smoothly. But God needs us to have legal-laws because > God is looking into the future of some future endpoint goals that > humanity must reach. God needs heavy elements x, x+1 and x+2 by such > and such a future date. GOD NEEDS HEAVY ELEMENTS! MARS NEEDS WOMEN! ARCHIE NEEDS ELECTROSHOCK! I'd pay to see all three of those, even if they're only movies. > Thus, the legal-laws enacted by humanity are > just those legal-laws that elements x, x+1 and x+2 are > nucleosynthesized on God's time-schedule. Does God use the kind of DayRunner with the perforated pages that He can insert and remove at will, or does he have a PalmPilot? I think He would likely have the PalmPilot, so that He could use it to steal cars that have infrared remote door locks. GOD NEEDS MUSCLE CARS! -- K. Archie Plutonium-inspired heavy-metal band name #13: GOD NEEDS HEAVY ELEMENTS ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.writing.screenplays,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Spindle File - The Fred Taylor Post Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 07:38:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.writing.screenplays, jervis_dedalus@my-dejanews.com responded to criticism of his masterpiece, "Dracula 1999": > > Down the shiny spike with you, ya 'clever' little sucker. > > NO FURTHER COMMENT TO THIS DISRESPECTFUL WEBFOOT RUGRAT DEEMED WORTHY OF > FURTHER TIME, INTEREST OR EFFORT, OR OF ANY VALUE WHATSOEVER. > > [followed, as usual, by a quotation of the entire lengthy article > in which someone pointed out that "Dracula 1999" may, in fact, not be great] WEBFOOT RUGRATS 1999: THE MOVIE Copyright (C) 1998 James "Kibo" Parry A MOVIE FADE IN. Show some babies crying and running around crying and sitting down and crying for half an hour. Then they meet some wacky, poorly-animated monkeys. All cry. Then there's a song. Also, it's the distant futuristic year 1999. THE END OF A MOVIE. -- K. It's like "Neanderthal Park 29" only in 1999, not December 1998! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Stalking laws Re: Freedom of Speech vs. Freedom to Lawsuit Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 09:06:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, sane guy Scott Goehring (scott@poverty.bloomington.in.us) said: > > > > Stalking? I seem to have missed that particular tort. I thought > > stalking was a criminal offense. Shouldn't you be taking this to the > > police? (How does an ISP stalk someone, anyway?) To which Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) replied: > > Almost every post I send to Usenet in the serious newsgroups of sci. > or the big 8. Your logic is like a fish-net made of butter. In outer space. A quarter of an inch long. Posted to the Internet. > [...] > Another model is obscene telephone calls. Those are outlawed. And I > see little difference in ad hominem and that of "obscene". Well, that explains why your sex life is the way it is. > I suppose States have definitions of stalking behaviour and even in > The New York Times article printed earlier this year, they mentioned > Internet stalking. > > I can ignore it, which I have done so for 5 years now, but I feel I > am not doing my duty as a citizen to improve Usenet and people lacking > in better behaviour. But it would be so easy for you to instantaneously raise the average IQ of the Internet population. Just take a vacation. > I do not think I can call the police on std and Kibo, or MacFadden of > AOL or Sam of Monolith and have them write a report? Possibly I can? Sure. Call up the police and tell them all about how you're mad that you're posting stuff all over the Internet and other people are replying to it and laughing at it and I'm sure the police will open a Very Special File for you. > Maybe stalking has to be defined for the Internet and perhaps my > lawsuit will be the defining case. You're a case, all right. > [...] > The way I see it is that many alt newsgroups are staging > advertisement platforms for small ISP companies. Like > alt.religion.kibology for an example. People see jokes and are reminded > that std is a ISP and wants your subscription. The use of my name as > "derogatory or butt-of-jokes" is a commercial use by std. In fact, it > is easy to prove that Kibo combs through the sci newsgroups for posts > to use as jokes. The commercial aspect is turn serious posts into jokes > in order to lasso more subscribers to std.com. Just out of curiousity, Archie, for the sake of argument, why would anyone subscribe to a particular Internet service provider just because they're also mentioned in the E-mail address of some jerk who keeps insulting some other jerk? (BY THE WAY, ARCHIE, IN CASE YOU COULDN'T TELL I'M THE FIRST JERK AND YOU'RE THE OTHER JERK! HOPE THIS HELPS!) Are you so deluded as to your position in this universe (which, incidentally, is NOT a giant atom of plutonium, contrary to your "Plutonium Atom Totality" posts in sci.physics) that you honestly believe that you're allowed to post your wacky rants all over the Internet for everyone to read but that NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO MENTION YOUR NAME despite your claim that you're the greatest scientist who ever lived? I propose you change your name to "The Gratest Scientist Who Ever Lived, But Who Doesn't Have A Name." It's so much more descriptive than your other aliases ("Archimedes Plutonium", "The King Of Science", "Ludwig Plutonium", "Ludwig van Ludvig", "Ludwig Hansen", and "Ludwig Poehlmann" -- did I forget any?) -- K. Oh, yeah, I forgot, around 1992 you said people at Dartmouth called you "Ludi-Plu". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Starbucks Opens New Shops Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 09:05:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Lisa P once told me that she had a conversation with her son about > what goes into the hole in your body after the appendix is taken out. > She said they fill the hole with packing peanuts, and the Feral Boy > corrected her by saying "no, mom! they put in a Starbux!" > > CUTE BOY! Yes, but HE WAS THE REASON THEY CANCELLED "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"! I swear, someday I'm going to open a chain of tofu shops named "Ensign Greenbeans". And they'll cook all their food over electric stoves. I still like how the shops are "Starbucks" and not "Starbuck's" to indicate that (a) there was more than one of Dirk Benedict and (b) it was also a "Blakes7" reference. And now, back to the important topic at hand. FUN THINGS I WOULD LIKE MY BODY FILLED WITH IF ENOUGH IMPORTANT ORGANS HAVE TO BE REMOVED THAT I WOULD NOT ENJOY LIFE UNLESS THEY REPLACED THEM WITH FUN THINGS: 1.) A Pez dispenser of very high capacity. 2.) The sound of Lucille Ball crying... NOT fake! 3.) A new videogame by Eugene Jarvis, preferably with THREE joysticks for the one spaceship. Not counting the "reverse", "thrust", "turn", "accelerate", and "brake" buttons and the special "orthogonal/diagonal" toggle switch. 4.) A special form of cotton candy that lasts forever inside your body but still tastes yummy. And you can eat it with your lungs. 5.) A bowling alley and some beer. Preferably not TOO cold. 6.) Mr. Potato Organ. -- K. I'm gonna keep talking about Eugene Jarvis until he posts something to alt.religion.kibology. THEN EVERYONE CAN STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM FOREVER!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.society.generation-x.ls-bumgarner From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Continuing Adventures of Payroll Boy Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 07:01:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You know, it would be really neat if someone on alt.religion.kibology > > would keep posting articles about his swell job that didn't involve > > fishing used towels and/or underwear out of swimming pools, deep-frying > > chocolate-covered tacos, or opening buckets of maple syrup. > > I've was going to write about how I work in a lab. > > But my lab doesn't have any large dishwashers in it, so now I'm not sure if it > is a real lab or not. > > --Terri Dear Terri, I am a ticklish guy who is also interested in buying a used Pentium 90 and-- wait, let me start over. Dear Terri, Real science labs don't have large dishwashers. Archie Pu is five feet five and three-quarters. DON'T FORGET THE THREE-QUARTERS!!! To remember "three-quarters" just think of his brain. -- K. If we go to court, I promise to take a close look at the scar on his forehead. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Quasiturbine is not a Wankel engine ! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 05:46:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med.physics -- note the "med", as in "medical", part -- Saint-Hilaire (saint-hilaire@promci.qc.ca) wrote: > > The Quasiturbine is not a Wankel engine ! Oh, if only Archimedes Plutonium had said this. Then people everywhere would say things like "Stop Wankel-Engine-Bombing sci.med.physics!" > About the Zero vibration Quasiturbine rotary engine : > http://quasiturbine.promci.qc.ca I think my favorite part of your site is the diagram of the engine labelled "Horizontal Blow Up Of Engine". Horizontal explosions are the best kind. You know, like the one at the end of "Alien". > We got several messsages of confused readers > asking the relation with the Wankel engine ? > The differences with the Wankel engine has been gather at : > http://quasiturbine.promci.qc.ca/QTpasWankel.html So which one of these gasoline engines is more applicable to modern medicine? Are you saying that now I have to have my old-fashioned nuclear-powered pacemaker removed and a new gasoline-powered one implanted? > Quasiturbine engine is appropriate for direct hydrogen combustion, > and other hybrid system. Potentially an oil free engine! Oh, okay, a hydrogen-powered pacemaker. Hooray! Now I can float around the place just like the Hindenburg! -- K. I AM HINDENKIBO! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: theory of motions Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 06:52:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Geoffrey V. Bronner (geoff.bronner@dartmouth.edu) writes: > > > > Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > > > > > Hell, I'd throw in 20 bucks to see Archie-pu's trial. That is > > > something that one shouldn't miss in their lifetime. > > > > > > Hmmm... how does someone find out the court dates for a civil suit? Is that > > public information? > > > road trip! if we ALL go and sit around in the courtroom, do you think AP > will appreciate that? Hell yes! Everyone should come to the imaginary trial just in case he gives me another imaginary rib-cracking like that one during that imaginary fistfight we had. You should all bring signs that have "STONE COLD 3:16" crossed out and "ARCHIE PU" scrawled on them and keep going "WOOP WOOP WOOP!!!" during the trial. I think it would be SO COOL to see an entire newsgroup get fined for contempt of court. -- K. And remember, you can't be sued if you never use a smiley! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,misc.writing.screenplays From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: SPOT THE VAMPIRE 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 23:41:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Re Pope Emperor Frogman's "Ted The Vampire 1999", the author of the completely serious epic stage play, "Dracula 1999", jervis_dedalus@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > What the hell do you think you are doing, applying MY Title to somebody elses > property? I can't believe the low moral character of some of these people. If > I were not the nice guy I am, you'd be living in fear of your fucking life, > jack. I'd have a contract out on you, like yesterday. Understand? Got it? Hooray! All us screenwriters are being offered contracts! I hope you pay Writer's Guild minimums. SPOT -- THE VAMPIRE: 1999 Poor Spot! Although he had turned into a vampire in this distant futuristic year 1999, he wasn't allowed to say so because Jervis Dedelus (whose name was misspelled) was the only one allowed to have vampires in this frighteningly plausible all-too-near future. So Spot bit him. "La la la," chanted Spot, "I am a vampire, la la la la." He looked at his wristwatch. "Whoops! Now it's 1999 and a half! I better go work on being Spot The Vampire 1999 before the Year 2000 Bug kills me!" So, to go on the prowl, Spot turned into a half-bat, half-dog. Spot was a bog. "Waah!" said Spot as his cape and plastic fangs slowly sank into his body. "I didn't wanna be a stupid old swamp!" He changed back into a NORMAL vampire dog that talked. Spot trotted down the street (in this as-yet-unforseen futuristic world of 1999) looking for someone nice to bite. Spot saw Bob Hope. "Eww!" said Spot. "Bob Hope! His blood tastes all hospital-floor-cleaner-y!" Spot did not bite Bob Hope, although he could taste his icky blood from a block away, so strong was Spot's sense of blood flavor, and so overwhelming was Bob Hope's aroma of licorice-scented disinfectant. Spot turned another corner and saw -- Monica Lewinsky! "Oh, for Pete's sake," wailed Spot, ending the story here out of self-pity. Spot's entire body exploded in a huge blast of computer-animated fireworks, completely destorying the entire year 1999 forever. -- K. "1999" is Copyright (C) 1998 by me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,misc.writing.screenplays From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: HARRY THE LEG BREAKER 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 06:23:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In a misc.writing.screenplays/alt.religion.kibology post titled "Re: The Spindle File Re: SPOT THE VAMPIRE 1999", jervis_dedalus@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > Heh. Nothing at all to worry about here. I'll just save my money on that > call to Harry "The Leg Breaker", in San Pedro, and for his sake, "rely upon > the kindness of strangers." --------- HARRY THE LEGBREAKER 1999 Copyright (C) 1990, 1998, 1999, 2099 James "Kibo" Parry INTERIOR KIBO'S OFFICE -- DAY (KIBO is snatching flies out of the air with his right hand while typing this on a lime-green manual typewriter with his left hand. His pathetic little dog, SPOT, is chasing his own tail, but keeps getting lost.) KIBO Ha! Ha! My non-standard screenplay format will confuse studio execs so much that they'll accidentally film this movie! SPOT Yap yap yap yap! Waah, my tail is chasing me! And I'm hungry! KIBO And I'll do each page in a different typewriter font with exactly the same metrics as Courier, and they'll never notice! I will rule the world! SPOT Your "tab" key makes a funny noise. Yap yap yap! (As KIBO bangs away at the keyboard, it goes "tap tap tap blorch" while SPOT says "yap yap yap". The doorbell rings.) SPOT Whoa, dude, it's the end of line! KIBO Silly puppy, that's not my dinger, that's the doorbell ringing. Someone's at the door. (He goes back to typing. SPOT resumes chasing his tail as the doorbell rings again.) SPOT I suppose maybe we should answer it, yeah? KIBO That's rather a poorly-formed sentence for a dog such as you. If I were the dog in this script I wouldn't say that. SPOT (about to cry from utter humiliation) Sorry! I'll be more careful. (KIBO resumes typing this. The doorbell rings again. Somehow the volume of the electronic dinger has increased.) KIBO Spot, get the DAMN door already! (SPOT trots over to the door, grabs the corner of the doggie-door flap in his teeth, and with great exertion he pulls the large wooden door open. HARRY THE LEG BREAKER is standing there.) KIBO And you are...? HARRY THE LEG BREAKER My name's Harry The Leg Breaker. Code number nineteen ninety-nine. KIBO I think you want Barbara Bain's apartment. She doesn't live here any more. SPOT But, Kibo, you said she was just as the market getting-- KIBO (interrupting) Also, I didn't order no leg-breaker. HARRY THE LEG BREAKER I am Harry The Leg Breaker. From San Pedro. I am here to (long pause) break (pause) your (pause) le (pause) gs. KIBO Ah, so you have already taken lessons from Ms. Bain. Very well -- I challenge you to a DUEL TO THE DEATH! The loser will have his or her legs broken. HARRY THE LEG BREAKER I accept. We shall hold it at the Death Dome 1999. It is a convenient location as it is in the basement of this very building. KIBO Yeah, whatever. Smell ya later! (KIBO slams the door.) KIBO Now maybe I can finish my application to Famous Writer's School. (He resumes typing. The CAMERA ZOOMS IN on what he is typing. We see the title "TIPPI THE TURTLE 1999".) DISSOLVE TO: INT. DEATH DOME -- MIDNIGHT -- IN BASEMENT (KIBO enters wearing a three-piece leather zoot suit. He is holding a sawed-off Luger which is loaded with sixty-six caliber ammo and can fire seven, possibly eight, bullets before reloating. It has one of those silencers that goes "tweet" and allows you to hit the bad guy over the head with it to harmlessly render him unconscious with no brain damage. To be extra-cool, KIBO has the tail end of an unlit cigarette glued to his lower lip so that the cigarette hangs straight down.) KIBO Let's lock and load and rock and roll! SPOT Metallica rules! Yap yap yap. KIBO Good thing Secret Agent J-1999 left me our secret weapon. SPOT Wow, what is our secret weapon? KIBO I don't know. (music sting) It's a VERY secret weapon. (Suddenly he whirls around and with his Luger he blows the head off a dummy of Roger Moore. HARRY THE LEG BREAKER ENTERS.) HARRY THE LEG BREAKER A very creditable first effort, Kibo. But all good things must come to an end in the fullness of time. I give you three seconds to kiss your beloved arse goodbye. (HARRY holds a five-foot-long elephant rifle against KIBO's temple.) KIBO As a condemned man, I get a last request. Can I have a Pez? HARRY THE LEG BREAKER This is obviously not a trick. Okay. (KIBO pulls a Pez dispenser out of his pocket.) MUSIC: KIBO'S THEME MUSIC (It is like the James Bond theme plus the Star Trek theme, except it is as loud as the Dragnet theme and the Science Fiction Theatre theme combined. KIBO slowly tilts back Wonder Woman's head on the little Pez dispenser. A small rectangular pink pill falls to the floor.) HARRY THE LEG BREAKER Clumsy oaf! KIBO Oh -- sorry. Spot, would you get that for me? (SPOT picks up the Pez pill with his teeth.) KIBO Hope you like Pez, Harry -- NOW, SPOT! (SPOT swallows the toxic Pez and leaps on HARRY. The Pez explodes, blowing them both to smithereens.) KIBO A little too tart for my taste... Unlike the voluptuous Miss Bain. (BARBARA BAIN enters.) BARBARA BAIN Oh, my hero... Kibo. (They kiss several times. KIBO does not notice that HARRY's disembodied leg is crawling across the floor, then up his back, trying to strangle him. BARBARA kisses what she thinks is KIBO's leg but it is HARRY's draped around his neck.) BARBARA BAIN Ewww! A LEG!!!! KIBO Why don't you take a flying leap from a tall pogo stick? (He hurls the leg out a window of the basement, where it falls ten thousand miles to the ground below while screaming and firing a gun upwards. It explodes when it hits the ground. We see the explosion several times from different angles. The explosion makes people jump into the air, even as far away as France. We see the PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD jumping into the air.) PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD (unimpeachably) Oh, really, Kibo! (The PRESIDENT'S futuristic videophone shows KIBO kissing BARBARA BAIN.) KIBO Excuse me, Your Majesty. I have other pressing lips to engage to. SPOT (watching from Heaven) I'm still hungry! Waah! ROLL CLOSING CREDITS. MUSIC: AWFUL SHIRLEY BASSEY SONG. -- K. Did you like how futuristic I made the year 1999? If 1999 is ever futuristic again, it's my fault. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The Big Problem With Having The Flu... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 05:36:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The big problem with having the flu is that you might accidentally try to watch the movie "Bugsy Malone" even though you've seen it before and you've been drinking Nyquil before midnight so you think it might be better this time but it's still got Scott Baio and he's still singing. Also, I'm still mad that my disclosure of Taco Bell's patents on (a) an automatic taco-maker and (b) an automatic legal-document maker did not make Mark Twain pop out of his grave and shout, "People who love the law and tacos should not watch either being made... IT'S SHOWTIME!!!" and then he'd do some wacky backflips and we'd get bombed on Zulus, which are twelve shots of Dayquil, twelve shots of Nyquil, and one hot international date. I gotta find me a date before I get better. -- K. Also "flu" seems like one of those nonsense words that are written on signs in Ming's Super market like "SHR IMP". shredded imps, mmmm... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Big Problem With Having The Flu... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 07:42:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor beable@my-dejanews.com, who definitely has no Real Name, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The big problem with having the flu is that you might accidentally > > try to watch the movie "Bugsy Malone" even though you've seen it before > > and you've been drinking Nyquil before midnight so you think it might > > be better this time but it's still got Scott Baio and he's still singing. > > Wow! Just like in Happy Days! Yeah, I drank Nyquil during every episode of "Happy Days"! > Also I should point out that > I am just replying to this post BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE COULD > BE BOTHERED TO! AND MAYBE KIBO WANTED SOMEBODY TO REPLY > SO THAT HE COULD SEGUE INTO A REALLY FUNNY FLU JOKE! I think that cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough coffity cough cough the Plutonium Atom (hiccup) Totality is cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough > OR MAYBE HE WANTED SOME *SYMPATHY*, SOMETHING THAT YOU > NO-GOODNIK ARKERS HAVE IN VERY SHORT SUPPLY! Poor Kibo, > is your flu getting better yet? Please tell us what > drugs you are taking so that we can look it up on rxlist. I had some dehydrated Hebrew Alef-Bet soup but my appetite was severely suppressed so I only ate the vowels. By the way, the box shows a montage of Hebrew letters WITH VOWELS, and they don't actually make 'em in the soup. I WANT TO SUE! I COULD BECOME ANTI-SEMITIC JUST BECAUSE OF THIS CHEAP SOUP! > > Also "flu" seems like one of those nonsense words that are > > written on signs in Ming's Super market like "SHR IMP". > > Do you get that funny smell up your nose when you get the > flu? It's a weird smell that makes everything taste funny... > HEY KIBO! WHILE YOU'VE GOT THE FLU THIS IS YOUR CHANCE > TO EAT DURIANS AND MAYBE THEY WILL TASTE GOOD! I actually opened all my jars of asafetida to test that theory. It's not true. Also, I don't get the Funny Smell, but when I cough really hard the back of my throat suddently tastes like copper. I think I'll go suck a nine-volt battery. -- K. Like your pal 2XL! You can play ring toss on his head! YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH ANY OTHER DOLL-LIKE STATUE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The Nobel Prize For Me, 1998 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 00:50:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor It is now time to announce the 1998 Nobel Prizes For Me. The Nobel Prize For Me for being me goes to: Me. The Nobel Prize For Me for Kibology goes to: Me. The Nobel Prize For Me for not being Archimedes Plutonium goes to: Me. The Nobel Prize For Me for killing Bob Hope goes to: Me. The Nobel Prize For Me for getting the most Nobel Prizes For Me goes to: Me. And the SPECIAL BONUS PRIZE goes to: Me. And it's filled with tasty candy! -- K. And so am I!