Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 08:01:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, fellow Kibologists, I need your help inventing an apropos neologism. People who are me, whose posts I always auto-select to make sure they came out right, are Green Level. People whose posts I auto-select because they are good people who always write worthwhile stuff (even though they are not me) are Blue Level. People whose posts I auto-select because they are wacky bozos who always write stuff that entertainms me by accident (i.e. Archie) are Purple Level. Now, using my advanced string-matching technology (which compares strings by -- gasp -- matching them) I also autoselect posts which are replies to Green Level articles (and I label them in brown.) However, lately, I've started autoselecting replies to a few Blue Level and Purple Level people. Using a separate color for articles and the replies they promped seems silly, so I'm tempted to re-label the followups to Green articles as light green, etc. (I have a wide range of foreground and background colors to choose from, so although it's hard to tell too many hues apart, I can make a lot of shades of each hue for my convenience.) So, what I'd like to know is, what is the term for an article you read because it was a reply to (a) a good person or (b) a bozo? -- K. P.S. Those of you who keep changing addresses tend to accidentally fall out of my Blue List. Stop it! I want to NEVER UPDATE MY FILTERS AGAIN. Please, from now on, nobody should join, depart, or move. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 02:41:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > [ in response to Kibo's blue/green algae score file ] Okay, which of you two said I have pond scum in my computer? It's too bad the guy who invented Usenet didn't think of a way of labelling who wrote the "[snip]" in the multiply-nested quoted text before he lost his brain in a hang-gliding accident because his glider was controlled by Applesoft Basic! > > Why read replies to your groupies' posts? None of us are getting sued > > by the King of Science! > > I am! I think we should have a special super-secret club, like Club 91 only more evil, consisting only of people who have been hit with imaginary nonexistent made-up lawsuits from The Legal-Law Desk Of The Plutonium Atom Foundation (LLDOTPAF). I propose, since we're in the mood for inventing new words as the mmillenniumm apprroacchhess, that we call our secret new club "All People Ever Added To Suits Having Idiotic Syntax Produced On Orders Of Plutonium" (APEATSHISOWNPOOOP). > anyways, what I really want to say is that I like this scheme > better than the "greepers, bloopers, and wapners" scheme, which > isn't as good because the vowels change, too. I propose that > Kibo uses the /upi/ suffix (spelt "-oopie", to remind us of > Whoopie Goldberg and Chuck Barris) prefixed by the initial > consonant or consonant cluster of the source color. thus: > follow-ups to green level posts: groopies > follow-ups to blue level posts: bloopies > follow-ups to purple level posts: poopies > this is better, because the /upi/ morpheme has greater humor > value than the /pr/ morpheme. YES! /oo/ is always funny! Witness: Archimedes Platonium Eats His Own Pap -- Not funny. Archimedes Plutonium Eats His Own Poop -- Funny. Oorchoomoodoos Plootoonoom Eats His Own Pooooooooooooooooop!!! -- Funny-Funny. Now if you could just get a /k/ phoneme it would be perfect because "k" is the funniest letter, 'kay? -- K. Konnect With Skenektady! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 02:33:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > [ exciting docudrama filmed in Kibocolor deleted ] > > > > All my posts are in Urine Yellow, because if something you post is that > > color, IT MEANS YOU'RE IN YELLOW! > > what's funny is: in my newsreader (Yarn) (which sounds sort > of like "urine", if you pronounce it slow and stupid,) I used to use YA-NW which was to NW as yarn is to rn except in all caps and it supported dragon droppings. That was back when I wrote up the basic killfile/selectfile technique documented on my Web site. A year or two ago I switched to MT-NW which is to YA-NW what yarn is to '/bin/readnews -h', and it does everything EXCEPT let people post pornography, which is a big point in its favor. Now that I have MT-NW and have converted my killfile/selectfile to a score-based system I am much happier and more importantly YOU'RE IN YELLOW WITH PURPLE STRIPES JUST LIKE HANNU POROPUDAS'S NEUTRINOS! > my background color is black, and my foreground color is YELLOW. > so your words "Urine Yellow" appeared on my screen in URINE > YELLOW. I didn't know urine glowed in the dark. Mine just makes snap-crackle-pop noises! Well, only on cereal. > what do you call it when someone makes a joke that is the > same color as the words on your screen? Color-Coded Bozosity Now With A Hint Of Lemon Or Urine We Can't Tell Which By Looking At It On Our WebTV. I maked a joke in the color of funny, tee-hee. -- K. CLICK HERE FOR SPECIAL WEBTV DISCOUNT ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 03:53:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, fellow Kibologists, I need your help inventing an apropos neologism. > > Ok. You know how you're sometimes in the middle of typing in a > window, and another window pops up (because something else was loading > -- you can't be bothered to WAIT two seconds for your computer to open > all the programs you just clicked on), and the new window gets focus, > and you type stuff meant for the now-hidden window? I think there > should be SUCH a nasty name for that. How about "uncontrolled H-ing"? Or something with "backslash dot com" in it. There's a TV commercial which annoys me greatly with a jingle which includes the lyric: "Charlie works in cyberspace, backslash-dot-com all day long..." And then there's the one showing off the lame attempts to make haircuts at Supercuts, including "The I don't want to look like a geek-dot-com." Which, incidentally, makes the guy look like a ROYAL DOUBLE GEEK. My least favorite commercial at the moment, though, is the one where Dow tells us that their toxic chemicals make women twirl their babies around over their heads in the middle of fields of flowers with the following irritating song: "Just a thought, that's what Einstein said. Just a view of the future two steps ahead..." EINSTEIN ADMITS HIS THEORY IS JUST A THOUGHT!!! ALSO HE DESERVES A SECOND NOBEL PRIZE NOW THAT SCIENTISTS ARE REALIZING HE WAS *TWO* STEPS AHEAD! > Maybe it could be in Newsweek, on the same page as the arrow next to > Bill Clinton that always points up. Oh, you mean "Conventional Wisdom". We could hire Newsweek to write one of those for a.r.k: ^ | Kibo As swell as he ever was! <-> Archie At least he THINKS he's doing something. | S W Tanner Openly mocked Newsweek's incredibly clever v way of summarizing all world news. >-< Matt McIrvin Hasn't explained which line is longer. SLOW CHILDREN Etienne Rouette Likes this sign. AHEAD! STOP AHAED! Mike Jittlov Likes this sign. (at the end of this section of the magazine, to let you know the article is over in case you didn't notice it had a box around it and was in a different color typeface, there's a tiny dingbat of an enormous cow being dropped) \\m// (___)3o -- iOOW " " > Bill Clinton: Hell, boy, my arrow always points up! I mean, they > said speak softly and carry a big stick. Well, get a load of THIS > big stick! That reminds me, tonight I missed Mark Russell making fun of the Year 2000 Bug. I wonder if this is one of the episodes where he was sober? > - - - - - - - - - S - N - I - P - - - - - - - - - That was the worst Village People song ever. I hear the Navy used "Y-M-C-A" in their commercials and the YMCA used "In The Navy" in their commercials for about a week before someone explained it to them. Then the YMCA and the Navy got married and they had a baby named YMVY, whose birth certificate said in full, "Your Mileage May Vary". And now... you know... the rest... of the... story! > Hey mom and dad, are you sick of seeing this kind of juvenile > profanity? Of course you are! That's why Sunrise Video of Utah is > pleased to offer you Titanic: The Slightly Shorter Edition. We've > taken out the brief shot of Kate Winslow's nipples, and the implied > sex in the carriage, so you and your family can together enjoy the ^^^^^^^^ The first time I read it, that said "carnage". Now that I realize you left in all the carnage, maybe I'll consider watching at least a small part of "Titanic" someday. Does anyone here know if the ship sinks in the first five minutes? > rest of the fun, fantasy, spousal abuse and drowning babies! > > For those who don't read Utah news--i.e., everybody--the thing about > Sunrise Video is true. This means that someone, somewhere, is > hoarding 6 hours footage of Kate Winslow's breasts in a box somewhere. > > Possibly a metal strongbox. Well, they took that footage out of thousands of copies of the movie, so somewhere someone is splicing all those little clips together to make a single six-hour shot of a nipple. And that person's name is... RANDY WARHOL! I'm sorry. But it's TRUE! > Because in the event of a tragic accident, or a national emergency, > would you have a stable supply of pornography? Are you ready and able > to protect yourself from those whose porn supplies are running low? > > THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY PHOTO NINJITSU INTERNATIONAL. GIVE US > $10,000 AND WE'LL GIVE YOU NAKED PICTURES OF ANYONE. ANYONE. > > I love going to emergency-preparedness sites. They start off with > phrases like "bulk MRE storage", I was going to review all twelve flavors of MRE on my Web page (I've had a few, but not all of them) but I can't get them locally any more. I may have to mail-order a case of them. Waah! MREs are hard! > "water purification tablets" which are shaped like little seashells. You add them to the fishbowl and then the water becomes drinkable even though it has fish living in it. I was reminiscing about those fish water conditioners shaped like seashells made out of chalk recently. They don't seem to be in stores any more. So I won't be able to tell you how they taste on my Web page, either. ALSO I'M TOO LATE FOR SOXODON, EITHER! > and "emergency travel tips", then finish with phrases like "stopping > power", "good level of suppressive fire" and my favorite, "tissue > displacement". AH-CHOO!!!! > Excuse me, I have to go spraypaint "LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT. > SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN" on my house. And then I'm going to Hooters. But then you'll never be able to get back into your house. It'll be just like when Larry and Blaki got the laser security system for their apartment that locked them in and shot them with lasers and tried to gas them. Then Balki lost his cap and all the cream pies exploded in numerical order. > And now, the celebrity quote of the day. > Charleton Heston: GUNNNNNSSSSSSS!!!! > > You know, there was this anthropologist. She went and studied wiccans > in some city somewhere. Lived with them, went to their ceremonies, > day-tripped around, did all the stuff wiccans do. And then she wrote > a book about it. Next on the Jane Goodall list was...S&M. Yes, she > talked to kinky people, spanked various males, and attended S&M > meetings like THIS: > > [Makeshift church scene. A row of men are kneeling. REALLY kneeling] > > S&M Queen: And now the sacrament. > > [She walks down the row of men. At each, she asks...] > > S&M Q:Are you ready to suffer to learn? > > [...then they kiss her riding crop] > > But the really key point here, is that you ask me about her next book. > > WHAT WAS HER NEXT BOOK, I hear you cry. > > Her next book was on... > > MULTI-LEVEL-MARKETING! > > [ Still-shot of the Nu-skin building, with the subtle pyramid-like > architecture ] I'll have you know I have a bottle here of brush-on "New-Skin" and a can of spray-on "New-Skin" for larger wounds which aren't shaped like brushstrokes. I was planning to dip my whole body in it so I'd be invulerable to anything except those bacteria that eat plastic, and I'd never have to bathe again unless the bacteria that eat plastic are also the ones that make sweat smell like sweat, but I discovered that "New-Skin" is actually a 500% concentrate of a mixture of clove oil, nutmeg, cilantro, coriander, and asafetida. Plus some Elmer's Glue. You can make your own just by taking some Elmer's Glue and stinking it up with a bunch of weird chemicals like clove oil. > ...which will segue us nicely into this MLM scheme. > > > People who are me, whose posts I always auto-select to make sure they > > came out right, are Green Level. > > > People whose posts I auto-select because they are good people who always > > write worthwhile stuff (even though they are not me) are Blue Level. > > > People whose posts I auto-select because they are wacky bozos who always > > write stuff that entertainms me by accident (i.e. Archie) are Purple Level. > > And if you sell 20 or more memes, you'll get an autographed copy of > Desi Arnez Jr. With His Mouth Hanging Open, Volume 12! Sure, when Shirley Bassey sings, her volume goes to 11. But Desi Arnaz Jr.'s mouth is so big it goes to volume 12! > > Now, using my advanced string-matching technology (which compares strings > > by -- gasp -- matching them) I also autoselect posts which are replies > > to Green Level articles (and I label them in brown.) However, lately, > > I've started autoselecting replies to a few Blue Level and Purple Level > > people. > > Why read replies to your groupies' posts? None of us are getting sued > by the King of Science! > > Then again, I got email from the guy whose neck was broken by an > exotic dancer's breasts. > > The moral: WE MUST SNAP ARCHIE PU'S NECK WITH GIANT BREASTS! Naah. WE MUST SNAP ARCHIE'S NECK WITH TINY BREASTS. > P.S. Someone combine wiccans, S&M, and multi-level marketing for me. > Something like "Now the Ponzi Schemes that brought Albania's economy > to its knees...will bring YOU to your knees, slave! Come to the > Solstice Spanking to find out how!" AYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! PONZI SCHEMES ARE COOL! SIT ON IT, NERD!!!! (Was that too obvious, even for the Internet?) -- K. "Spot Visits The Ponzi Pyramid Of Pain" was a story I wrote around 1990. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 03:19:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) says... > > > > Okay, fellow Kibologists, I need your help inventing an apropos > > neologism. > ^^^^^^^^^ > "Neologism"? Pfffft. I think that's a word you just made up. I can make up all the words I want because I am the Nth Earl Of Sandwich! > > People who are me, whose posts I always auto-select to make sure they > > came out right, are Green Level. > > > > People whose posts I auto-select because they are good people who always > > write worthwhile stuff (even though they are not me) are Blue Level. > > ALL OF ARK WONDERS SILENTLY: "Am I Worthy of Blue Level?" Hey, I don't wonder that. I *know* whether or not you're at Blue Level. I can put people there. I can take them away. I CAN COLOR THEM FUNNY COLORS TOO! > > People whose posts I auto-select because they are wacky bozos who always > > write stuff that entertainms me by accident (i.e. Archie) are Purple Level. > > ALL OF ARK WONDERS SILENTLY: "Am I Guilty of Purple Level?" I doubt it, unless Don Saklad is all of a.r.k. > > Now, using my advanced string-matching technology (which compares strings > > by -- gasp -- matching them) I also autoselect posts which are replies > > to Green Level articles (and I label them in brown.) However, lately, > > I've started autoselecting replies to a few Blue Level and Purple Level > > people. > > ALL OF ARK WONDERS SILENTLY: "How many points is my email name worth in > Kibo's scorefile? And are they positive or negative points? And does my > butt look big under this microscope?" I think I'm gonna need a bigger microscope. > Dear Leader Kibo: > > Please post your current scorefile rule database to Usenet, as I need it > for a homework project. Please sort the rules chronologically by the > date of the first post by the well-known Usenet Kook(tm) that caused the > creation of the rule. Why don't I just repost the whole darn a.r.k archive as a single message? That way you won't have to worry about threading or DejaNews or whatever, you can just get all 219,810 articles (as of Mr. Pacheco's) in order in one convenient place, containing ALL THE COOL PEOPLE, ALL THE WACKOS, and even THIS VERY MESSAGE! In fact, in addition to reposting all the old a.r.k articles as a single message, I should also post all FUTURE a.r.k articles, indeed, all POTENTIAL a.r.k articles! Including the ones that can't be read by humans without them going permanently INSANE! > Alternately, put all the rules in a small brown paper bag and leave them > under Harvard Square on Friday after midnight, or the cat dies. Please > include a receipt for tax purposes. HAVE A NICE DAY, PLEASE DRIVE > FORWARD. I flipped over Harvard Square and found out it was a giant Nicoderm CQ patch, only instead of being filled with liquid nicotine it was filled with homeless people which it dispenses at fixed intervals. I don't want to put it back but I don't want to take it home either. Where should I put Harvard Square? (The Dartmouth quad, on top of Archie's dodgeball game?) > Love, > > - Plato Kryptonium Oh, like Superman's gonna be afraid of a wimpy LAWSUIT WITH GLOWING GREEN 24-POINT VIVALDI CAPITALS. > > Using a separate color for articles and the replies they promped seems > > silly, so I'm tempted to re-label the followups to Green articles as > > light green, etc. (I have a wide range of foreground and background > > colors to choose from, so although it's hard to tell too many hues apart, > > I can make a lot of shades of each hue for my convenience.) > > > > So, what I'd like to know is, what is the term for an article you read > > because it was a reply to (a) a good person or (b) a bozo? > > Rules of contraction apply here: > > Replies to Green Level = "Green Level" = Green Person = "Gree-Per" > > Replies to a Blue Level = "Blue Level" = Blue Person = "Blue-Per" > > Replies to Purple Level = wacky bozo purple = "Wa-Pur" Yes! Yes! Light Greens are Greepers, Light Blues are Bluepers, Light Purples are Wapurs (or Lavendaloozers?) I like the fact that you chose an irregular for the light purple people because "Purpers" sounds stupid. I think I like it better. Greepers, Bluepers, and Purpers. Note, of course, that Blue Level overrides Greeperness, Blueperness, and/or Purperduperness. Thus, because Mr. Pacheco replied to one of my posts, although his post falls in the general category of Greepers, it doesn't get stuck in with them because he's actually a Blue Alpha. (Unless he's a girl.) > Simple rules, really. Anyone who responds to *your* posts is a greeper, > anyone who responds to an interesting person's post is a blooper, anyone > who responds to a kook is a whopper. ...and should therefore be well-wrapped. > The appropriate followup here is "BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!". FORGET BLACK! EVERYTHING BROWN! (They say a.r.k used to be a slaughterhouse.) CALLBACKS HAVE NO STATUE OF IMITATIONS!!! -- not quite Matt McIrvin > All my posts are in Urine Yellow, because if something you post is that > color, IT MEANS YOU'RE IN YELLOW! GETIT? HUH, GETIT? IT LOOKS LIKE > URINE BUT IT'S NOT, SEE? Actually, in my system, yellow is a special danger color reserved for the infinitely narrow line between visible and oblivion. If I come up with a new rule for plonking losers based on generalized criteria, I set it to highlight them in Warm Yellow (at the lowest ranking, mixed in with the Gray Kills) for a few weeks to make sure I'm not catching any false positives with friendly fire (or at least indifferent fire.) Then if my yellow holds up I empty out the bedpan and they go plonk. > -dp. > ALL OF ARK WONDERS SILENTLY: > "I don't get it... > And I don't WANT to." Why would anyone not want to get urine? It's more convenient than ever with new home delivery! -- K. From the Internation Space Station! ("I'm writing my name all over Russia!" -- Robin Williams) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Christmas 1998 Spot Story Topic Not Unveiled Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 10:20:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just picked a topic for this year's Christmas Spot story (which I will write on Christmas), and I would like to call HOLY RIGHT OF DIBS on said topic, even though I won't reveal what the topic is until Christmas. So nobody mention any topics or I'll RUIN CHRISTMAS FOR EVERYONE when I have to switch the Spot story to a different, lame topic. -- K. P.S. Also not only do I call dibs on all topics, I call do-over on everything you ever did. Now you're required by law to do it betterer! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tech-support.recovery From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Christmas 1998 Spot Story Topic Not Unveiled Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 04:11:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just picked a topic for this year's Christmas Spot story (which I will > > write on Christmas), and I would like to call HOLY RIGHT OF DIBS on said > > topic, even though I won't reveal what the topic is until Christmas. > > > > So nobody mention any topics or I'll RUIN CHRISTMAS FOR EVERYONE when > > I have to switch the Spot story to a different, lame topic. > > Oooh, lost again. My money was on the Spot Runs the Abuse Desk at STD > for a Week storyline. Oh, I did that last year around the time I severed all relations with a certain evil temp-placement agency. See below for "Spot, The Overloaded Operator". I'm even going to cross-post it to alt.tech-support.recovery just so they can complain that I shouldn't be so hard on those pitiful people who actually do depend on telephone tech support for their brand new WebTVs. (I should be harder.) AND YOU MAY NOT TAKE THAT SENTENCE OUT OF CONTEXT!!! > But it doesn't really matter because I'm in the > Orange-Yellow file, where uber-bozos with no sense of humor are. > And boy are my arms tired! Naah, you don't wanna put yourself in Orange Level. It's only marginally better than just having a good IQ. -- K. P.S. Stacia, my filters claim you had a 119 IQ when you made that post. Clancy Dalebout's followup to yours scored 103, and my article you were replying to had 144. These predicted IQ values do not represent the additional 7900 bonus points to bump you up to Brown, or my 16000 for Green (because Green trumps Brown trumps your IQ.) Anyway, were my filters' statistical predictions right? And now, as per unpopular request, a repost of the story I wrote last year in which poor Spot took a temp job as a computer technical support dog. It was written on the spot (poor spot!) just because Alex "Yonderboy" Suter demanded it, and is preceded by some filler including the only time I ever said a dirty word on the Internet. //// RERUN ZONE //// RERUN ZONE //// RERUN ZONE //// RERUN ZONE //// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Spot Story (was: The Dead Email Society) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.atheism,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Wed, 25 Jun 1997 08:57:14 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9581 centons, 71 microns, .04 mugars X-Kibo-Equipment: a distributed Lego robot (distributed by accident) In [alt.religion.kibology, alt.atheism, alt.mega-ego.yonderboy] asuter@Xenon.Stanford.EDU (Lupus Yonderboy) wrote: | | Thus spake rxv@axis.jeack.com.auZ (Gully Foyle): | | | | mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin) wrote: | | > | | > You forgot "Do not tell me to read the FAQ-- I am here to be entertained | | > by you, not to go read a bunch of pretentious explanations!" and "If you | | > do not believe in God it means you really believe he exists because | | > otherwise you wouldn't have anything not to believe in!" | | | > Congratulations for dispelling any doubt that you are a moron, you've | > saved us a great deal of time and uncertainty. If only all kooks who | > come to this NG were so thoughtful. | > Come to Kibology! Now at half-off the newsstand price! But it's only good for only a limited time only! If time proves to be eternal, Kibology will self-destruct to prevent you from enjoying it after 9999 A.D., the year that will REALLY break God's DOS box! > Kibology provides: > * Doubtless Morons > * Thoughtful Kooks > * Kooky Thoughts (Kibo begins to go-go dance with flowers painted all over his body. Suddenly he stops and the camera zooms in on what is painted on his stomach: "MAKE CROSS-POSTS NOT WAR") Ba ba bappa ba! > * In-jokes > * Out-jokes > * Spankings > * Allowedness And all owedness! Scientology joke: "Your owedness just ran over my lochness." And here's another Scientology joke: "Why did the orange cross the road? To eat hexagonal television pants!" NOW COMPARE THESE KIBOLOGY JOKES AND $AVE! Kibology joke: "Why did the orange cross the road? To eat hexagonal television pants AND KILL BOB HOPE!" It's got AS MUCH HUMOR as the Scientology joke... PLUS it rids your home of UNSIGHTLY BOB HOPE! > And at no extra charge: > * Tab damage! (too cheap to meter) It used to be a double spondee. With jimmies. That go down the conveyor belt to the annealing vat, where the Bessemer process Vulcanizes them. But little Jimmie doesn't need to know that! All he needs to know is that our rubber vomit arrives fresh from our factory to his kitchen floor! "Plotz!" That's the sound of progress! > * Angst! > * Bitterness! > * Vegetarian rants! > * Groupies! ('Jesse' only) > * Libertarian "Me too!" posts! > * Me too! ERNIE: Me one the sandbox. BERT: Me two the sandbox. (continues a while) ERNIE: Me seven the sandbox. BERT: Me eight the sandbox. ERNIE: What's that, Bert? You ate the sandbox and chewed it all up and swallowed it even all the sand and the dirty balls the cat put there? And you're a big doodyhead and you like to eat worms like the sandbox and run like a girl and suck your thumb and cry a lot and always wear that stupid shirt like you don't have any other clothes or something and are retarded and smell like piddle and pick your nose and eat it like the sandbox? BERT: Um... oh dear. I have fallen into your trap. There is no way around your logic. RENE DESCARTES: Why, Bert, here's a secret exit from Ernie's logical trap! (Rene opens an iron gate suspended in mid-air. Bert steps through.) BERT: AAAAAAAAAAAaAaAaAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... (fades away as he falls to infinity) RENE: Don't fuck with logic, Bert! ERNIE: And stop eating my sandbox! RENE: Word! > If you act now, we'll also include a short story about Spot, > the Non-Allowed Dog, written by Leader Kibo himself! > > Operators are sitting by! SPOT, THE OVERLOADED OPERATOR a Story-On-Demand(tm) available only to Secret Members. Are you a Secret Member? If not, please POKE YOUR EYES OUT NOW! Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry Poor Spot! He was strolling down the street as happy as a clam, when he remembered that he wasn't a clam, he was an operator! He hurried across town to his job at TechSupporTemps, arriving just as his lunch hour ended. He sat down in his cubicle and put on his convenient no-hands telephone headset. (Using the no-hands phone required three paws.) The phone rang. "Hello, TechSupporTemps, my name is Spot, how may I help you?" "Uh, my Dykstra 686/102XL won't boot. It says 'keyboard failure'. What should I do?" "I don't know." "What does 'keyboard failure' mean?" "I don't know." "The keyboard seems to be plugged in fine. It goes directly into the wall, right?" "I don't know." Spot accidentally hung up on the caller by simultaneously pushing four buttons located in the four corners of the room. This job was _hard_! Today he'd had to say "I don't know" over six thousand times, and his nerves were so frazzled, once he had even accidentally hung up on a caller before he meant to! Spot decided to take a lunch break, as it was almost ten. Spot went strolling down the street, on his eighth lunch break this morning. While he was on his way to his favorite eatery, Finagle-A-Bagel-And-Rotate, he wondered what product he was supposed to be supporting. Hardware? Software? Underwear? Spot didn't know! "I don't know," he said to himself. He wondered why he'd said that. "I don't know!" he said again. Poor Spot! He was only able to say "I don't know!" He went to see his veterinary psychiatrist, Dr. Arf Ulene. "Zo, Zpot, what zeems to be the trouble?" asked Dr. Arf. "I don't know!" "Vell, you must have zum reason for zeeing me. Is everything all right?" "I don't know!" "Little puppy, vat is your name?" "I don't know!" "Vell, ven you figure out if you are disturbed, please come back. Until then, get the hell out of my office!" Dr. Arf pulled a lever which opened a trapdoor under Spot! Spot slid down a slippery sluiceway, landing in a vat of rancid nacho cheese with a TV camera pointed at it. Spot was on "America's Totally Funniest Super Hidden Bloopers And Celebrity Out-Takes And Shirley"! Spot cried. A second assistant director's first assistant, who outranked the first assistant director's second assistant but not a straight flush, came running up. "Hey, little puppy, that was great! We want you to be a regular on this show! All you have to do is read the punchline for Bob Hope's wacky joke off this card!" He held up a cue card which said: BOB HOPE: WHY DOES DR. PEPPER COME IN A BOTTLE? FUNNY PUPPY: I DON'T KNOW! The second assistant director's first assistant looked serious. "Well, little puppy, for a million dollars a week, can you read that punchline aloud?" "I don't know!" "Well, can you?" "I don't know!" "You suck! You're fired!" "Waah!" cried Spot, forgetting that he was unable to say anything other than "I don't know." Spot was so stupid! How... stupid... was... he? I DON'T KNOW! t h e e n d written 6/25/97, 3:15-3:45am just for Alex Suter -- K. [ MASSIVE APPLAUSE ] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Cool! They found a way to make a Palm Pilot useful! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 08:49:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Well, more useful than a few blank index cards, anyway. Turns out that the thing's infrared emitter's most popular use is to record and playback signals from your VCR's remote control, so you can use your 3Com (US Robotics) Pilot as one. (why?) Someone just discovered that cars with electronic door locks can also have their passwords beamed from a Pilot. From The Industry Standard, "the Newsmagazine of the Internet Economy": > > Using Palm Pilots to Steal Cars > > This week the U.K.'s New Scientist reported that computer journalist > Lars Sorensen has discovered a technique for using the infrared port on > the new generation of Palm Pilots to break into cars with infrared > remote keyless entry systems. The Palm Pilot apparently has software > that records the infrared signals from TV and video remote controls, so > that you can turn your PDA into a universal remote for all your home > entertainment gadgets. According to New Scientist, Sorensen successfully > used the same system and software to record the infrared signal from a > friend's car remote, enabling him to enter the car and disable its > alarm. > > Salon's Janelle Brown followed up the story stateside, and secured this > less-than-reassuring quote from Palm PR manager Elizabeth Cardinale: "We > aren't responsible for third-party applications, though we think it's > unfortunate that our product is being used for an illegal use É [But] > there might be a good thing that will come of this. Say someone wanted > to have the key to their car code stored in their Palm Pilot, just in > case they forget their keys." Then Ms. Cardinale then turned all her credit numbers over to her teenage son in case she lost them. Now, given that the key obviously sends the same signal every time, since it's recordbale, doesn't that also imply that a brute-force "crack" of the car -- having the Pilot send all the different keys real fast -- is elementary? If they wanted real security, the key would contain a little radio receiver and it would work like this: 1.) I press the button the the key. Key to car: "Hey, I want in." 2.) Car to key: "Here is a random number: 5847. Process it and send it back." 3.) Key to car: "Okay, I ran it through my magic algorithm. 5847 encodes as BLJX." 4.) Car: "Hey, that's right! My door is open! Michael, we only have four hours to disarm that atomic bomb built by my evil twin!" And, of course, that sort of security has been used for years to protect expensive computer programs ("dongles" that clip onto the computer's keyboard or serial ports contain small chips that give a specific response to a signal from the computer, depending on the signal, not simply sending the same password every time.) Such a system would hinder efforts at brute-force password-guessing for the car, because the random password could be changed on each entry attempt -- i.e. the password would still be guessable, but you'd only get one chance at each password, then there would be a one-second delay and a different 32-bit integer would be randomized. (I wonder how complicated the existing passwords are? Do you want to bet they're not even unique across different cars of the same model? The rumor always was that metal keys weren't.) The article in "The Industry Standard, the Newsmagazine of the Internet Economy" (giggle) was more or less taken vebatim from "Salon", another Internet "magazine", which got it from The New Scientist, a real science news magazine published in England. So anyway, now I think I want a Newton. I want to be able to steal cars while using cursive handwriting. (By the way, Newtons can read my handwriting with close to perfect accuracy. However, I still find blank 3x5 cards to be more useful, convenient, fun, and less fragile.) -- K. And you can clean the gunk out of the edges of your eyeglass frames with them. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Summary: Bogus research is being performed on you through the Internet! Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 05:53:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, since people have been asking about my magic algorithm for predicting the IQ of people from the metadata of their Usenet writings, I thought I'd share some of the raw data with you just to make you feel bad. These scores are compiled entirely from the examination of the headers of articles (not the contents) and do not check for any specific login names. In other words, if all of my own articles come out on top, that's just because this system is scientifically accurate! And you'd expect someone who came up with something this clever to have a super-elite IQ. I just popped open the last 150 alt.religion.kibology articles (let's assume that one day's worth of a.r.k is representative of everything on the Internet at all times.) Here is the list of scores for articles in the thread about my sorting methodology: Subject: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. 156 kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) 139 swt@xmission.com (Stephen Will Tanner 159 kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) 115 nickb@primenet.com (Nick S Bensema) 131 david_pacheco@lineone.net (David Pacheco) 159 kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) 107 froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com (Carlos "Froggy" May) 107 froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com (Carlos "Froggy" May) 96 bang@netcom.com (B. Chas Parisher) 107 Frank Celsius 115 nickb@primenet.com (Nick S Bensema) 111 rsholmes@rodan.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes) 107 nickb@primenet.com (Nick S Bensema) 91 "Ben Flieger" 99 Frank Celsius (They are sorted in more or less descending order. Don't worry about the order, it has to do with threading.) The scores reflect all sorts of critieria, and vary all over the place (and also vary over time, as the age of the article when I read it is a factor) but surprisingly the values within this thread are somewhat consistent: Kibo -- 156, 159, 159 Froggy -- 107, 107 Nick Bensema -- 115, 115, 107 Frank Celsius -- 107, 99 ...I had expected a wider variation. Let's look at another thread: Subject: Computers are so STY00PID!!! 14 doctoraaron@mindless.com 37 "Juergen Nieveler" 29 rsholmes@rodan.syr.edu (Richard S. Holmes) 61 jsavard@tenMAPSONeerf.edmonton.ab.ca (John Savard) 37 Clancy Dalebout 46 twillis@sound.net (Theresa Willis) 9 beable@my-dejanews.com 54 twillis@sound.net (Theresa Willis) 25 haon4707@my-dejanews.com 53 slanning@buphy.bu.edu (Scott Lanning) 41 "Donald Tees" 30 Robert Billing 33 Max F Lang 14 Robert Billing 45 Sadler Micky 49 deke.spamblock@generous.net 49 "Donald Tees" Interestingly, this thread makes my newsreader claim that Terri has an IQ of 46 or 54, which I'm sure is not accurate. The whole thread was docked points for certain orthographical/mechanical/typographical characteristics of the "Subject:" header, most notably the "!!!" part. Poor B. Eable got an astoundingly low score for an article which quoted a lot of text, added a few lines of capitals, and appended the standard DejaNews .signature -- and more importantly, the article was cross-posted to three newsgroups, was a followup to a followup to a followup to a followup, and it's relatively old compared to some of the other articles listed. Among the "wider" threads in a.r.k in this day's sample (those threads which have the most articles per day are "wide", those that persist for weeks are "long" or "deep") those two threads probably represent the extrema. Note that a particular thread tends to have its own skewage of IQ values. Let's follow the same poster through several threads. Here are all my articles for the past week (except for one anomalous entry which triggered something, and has been omitted) sorted in order of descending IQ: 161 Kibo Laverne & Shirley 159 Kibo Re: Christmas 1998 Spot Story Topic Not Unveiled 159 Kibo Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. 159 Kibo Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. 159 Kibo Oh no! 156 Kibo Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. 155 Kibo The Nobel Prize For Me, 1998 153 Kibo I feel dirty. 152 Kibo Re: lawsuit on std.com (long) 150 Kibo Re: Interactive TV Poised To Begin 150 Kibo Re: Believe in Okra and be ye saved? 149 Kibo Re: BOTTLE OF BEES 149 Kibo "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" 2000 149 Kibo A Brief Commercial Message. 147 Kibo SPOT THE VAMPIRE 1999 145 Kibo Things That Are On The TV News Only When They Happen By Accident. 144 Kibo Christmas 1998 Spot Story Topic Not Unveiled 144 Kibo Meme I don't have any use for. 143 Kibo "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" 141 Kibo Re: Continued 138 Kibo Re: Salting soda machines 137 Kibo Re: BITS AND PIECES...12/03 137 Kibo Re: "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" 137 Kibo Re: The Continuing Adventures of Payroll Boy 136 Kibo Re: Odd urban public library responses from city of Boston Public 135 Kibo Re: lawsuit on AOL (long) 135 Kibo Re: Calling of Phoenix, Sam, Kibo, MacGiggle as witnesses 135 Kibo Re: theory of motions 135 Kibo Re: christmas present 133 Kibo Re: Question for KT 132 Kibo Re: The Continuing Adventures of Payroll Boy 132 Kibo Re: I feel dirty. 132 Kibo Re: theory of motions 132 Kibo Re: Recording your own voice into talking ponies 132 Kibo Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 129 Kibo Re: NET KOOK WARNING (WAS: Re: Slowing down by age 48; bicycle 126 Kibo Re: Roddenberry, Klingons, the Bible? 125 Kibo Re: IMPORTANT: Wed. TV Interview 125 Kibo Re: Will Kibo grant me an indulgence? 125 Kibo Re: Andy Rooney's Car Stolen 121 Kibo Re: Patent for a new type of derailleur; 4DEC99 121 Kibo Re: Question for KT 121 Kibo Re: Leah's New Page 120 Kibo Re: Andy Rooney's Car Stolen 119 Kibo Re: Part-time teletubbies auction moderator job, starts tomorrow? 119 Kibo Re: Photo Gallery: nature, flowers, animals, erotics, crashes. 119 Kibo Re: BOKKS AND WHERE TO GET THEM! 118 Kibo Re: El Pachuko, Edward James Olmos Will Be My "Dracula"! Who Here 116 Kibo Re: wITHOUT GOD 116 Kibo Re: Andy Rooney's Car Stolen 116 Kibo Re: Cavedog Sells Out TA:K? 116 Kibo Re: DELURK NOW 116 Kibo Re: DELURK NOW 114 Kibo Re: Looking for remote control replacement(Synapze) 109 Kibo Re: wise sayings on maths? 108 Kibo Re: Stalking laws Re: Freedom of Speech vs. Freedom to Lawsuit 104 Kibo Re: Roddenberry, Klingons, the Bible? 94 Kibo Re: Freedom of Speech vs. Freedom to Lawsuit 91 Kibo Re: Gary's "Titanic" Memory Lapses 81 Kibo Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 79 Kibo Re: Dodgeball vice bonfire Re: Edu theory: continuous assessing 76 Kibo Re: Babylon 5 is OVER! 75 Kibo Re: designing the world's most beautiful architectural building 71 Kibo Re: I demand more weirdness from my job!! !! !! Amazingly, my post about the final season of "Laverne & Shirley" got the highest IQ value here. Note how the less-exciting threads -- the long-running ones, the ones consisting mainly of short non-sequiturs, the comments on comments on comments -- tended to sort towards the bottom and the more prose-oriented ones, the non-followups, and the ones that have lowercase letters tended to move upwards. (This is as I intended, of course. The whole point of this algorithm is to allow the computer to automatically predict the interest level in each article.) Let's compare Terri's recent history, just because her name popped out of that second thread: 105 Theresa Willis Re: help us! 101 Theresa Willis Re: Another Sign of the Apocolypse 97 Theresa Willis Re: Leah's New Page 96 Theresa Willis Re: Celebration on the anniversay of one's birth 89 Theresa Willis Re: Dear Santa 88 Theresa Willis Re: A story about a soire I attended. 87 Theresa Willis Re: What is Kibology? 83 Theresa Willis Re: Please entertain me 81 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 80 Theresa Willis Re: IHNJH 80 Theresa Willis Re: GIMME! GIMME! 76 Theresa Willis Re: theory of motions 75 Theresa Willis Re: Please entertain me 75 Theresa Willis Re: theory of motions 75 Theresa Willis Re: Serious science 73 Theresa Willis Re: Will Kibo grant me an indulgence? 71 Theresa Willis Re: GIMME! GIMME! 70 PTerri PWillis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 66 Theresa Willis Re: The Continuing Adventures of Payroll Boy 64 Theresa Willis Re: GIMME! GIMME! 63 Theresa Willis Re: Believe in Okra and be ye saved? 62 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 62 Theresa Willis Re: Another Sign of the Apocolypse 62 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 62 Theresa Willis (That Stacia Chyk) Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 61 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 61 Theresa Willis Re: www.sleepbot.com 9 12/7/98 11:05 AM 60 Theresa Willis Re: Leah's New Page 58 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 58 Theresa Willis Re: A story about a soire I attended. 57 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 56 Theresa Willis Re: DELURK NOW 55 Theresa Willis Re: Computers are so STY00PID!!! 54 Theresa Willis Re: Computers are so STY00PID!!! 50 Theresa Willis Re: Dear Santa 49 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 46 Theresa Willis Re: Computers are so STY00PID!!! 45 Theresa Willis Re: www.sleepbot.com 43 Theresa Willis Re: Computers are so STY00PID!!! 39 Theresa Willis Re: Important announcement: newsgroup closures 39 Theresa Willis Re: GIMME! GIMME! 36 Theresa Willis Re: DELURK NOW 30 Theresa Willis Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 30 Theresa Willis Re: Dodgeball vice bonfire Re: Edu theory: continuous 23 Theresa Willis Re: DELURK NOW 23 Theresa Willis Re: GIMME! GIMME! 23 Theresa Willis Re: DELURK NOW 19 Theresa Willis Re: Important announcement: newsgroup closures 16 Theresa Willis Re: Computers are so STY00PID!!! 5 Theresa Willis Re: Computers are so STY00PID!!! Waah! Terri's still not doing as well as she should. Oh well, she's Blue Level so all her posts get an effective score around 4000. (The IQ values are usually overridden by filters which look for specific authors and subjects and threads and keywords; the IQ scores are a means of sorting generic articles which are otherwise untagged, and thus the IQ filters work in any newsgroup.) For comparison, let's look at scores of articles from some other a.r.k notables: 155 Stephen Will Tanner More sturm! Less drang! 154 Stephen Will Tanner There is too much porn in this post. 151 Stephen Will Tanner WWSWTD? or...TWO AND A HALF DRUGS. 139 Stephen Will Tanner Re: Blue Level, Purple Level, Orange Level, etc. 63 Stephen Will Tanner Re: Dear Santa (Nick Bensema's scores could not be computed at this moment because some of his 103 recent articles are in a special kind of limbo because things are expiring while I'm trying to compute. Sorry.) 118 Leah Verre Obey your Thirst! 117 Leah Verre IMPORTANT: Wed. TV Interview 116 Leah Verre Re: A story about a soire I attended. 115 Leah Verre Re: BITS AND PIECES...12/03 111 Leah Verre A REMINDEr 107 Leah Verre Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 105 Leah Verre Re: Post-modernism question 103 Leah Verre Re: Celebration on the anniversay of one's birth 101 Leah Verre Re: Space: 1999 99 Leah Verre Re: A REMINDEr 96 Leah Verre Re: DELURK NOW 95 Leah Verre Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 95 Leah Verre Re: Dodgeball vice bonfire Re: Edu theory: continuous 93 Leah Verre Re: Leah's New Page 91 Leah Verre Re: What is it about the Holidays? 88 Leah Verre Re: Good quotes, anyone? 88 Leah Verre Re: Furby Autopsy 87 Leah Verre Re: Taco Bell's Wacky Patents 87 Leah Verre Re: What is Kibology? 85 Leah Verre Re: Taco Bell's Wacky Patents 84 Leah Verre Re: We must all band together! 83 Leah Verre Re: More red/plum hair color experiments 83 Leah Verre Re: A REMINDEr 76 Leah Verre To Kibo: Important! WebTV Interview!! 72 Leah Verre Re: Good quotes, anyone? 65 Leah Verre Re: BEWARE LEAH'S WEB SITE!1!!1!! 63 Leah Verre Re: DELURK NOW 60 Leah Verre Re: Good quotes, anyone? 59 Leah Verre Re: DELURK NOW 59 Leah Verre Re: DELURK NOW 56 Leah Verre Re: Good quotes, anyone? 131 Matt McIrvin Re: What is it about the Holidays? 129 Matt McIrvin Re: "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" 129 Matt McIrvin Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 89 Matt McIrvin Re: Froggy's Kibology Page 129 Matt McIrvin Re: Laverne & Shirley 129 Matt McIrvin Re: Leah's New Page 127 Matt McIrvin Re: Pokey the Penguin 121 Matt McIrvin Re: The Continuing Adventures of Payroll Boy 120 Matt McIrvin Re: The letter Q. 113 Matt McIrvin Re: Dear Santa 108 Matt McIrvin Re: Good quotes, anyone? 104 Matt McIrvin Re: Babylon 5 is OVER! 103 Matt McIrvin Re: AA's Web blindness 80 Matt McIrvin Re: Dodgeball vice bonfire Re: Edu theory: continuous 87 Matt McIrvin Re: Dodgeball vice bonfire Re: Edu theory: continuous 122 Sheldon Gartner Re: How North Korea Could Win A Second Korean War 113 Sheldon Gartner Will Kibo grant me an indulgence? 110 Sheldon Gartner Re: How North Korea Could Win A Second Korean War 105 Sheldon Gartner Re: wife wants sex with co-worker 158 Don Saklad Reason or rationale -For attribution contact dsaklad@gnu.or 154 Don Saklad Reference question about reference questions -For attributio 139 Don Saklad NYC librarians' local sues union 134 Don Saklad Re: Reference question about reference services 133 Don Saklad Feedback -Focus group 132 Don Saklad Boston Public Library focus groups for library users/custome 106 Don Saklad Re: I feel dirty. 98 Don Saklad Re: Reason or rationale -Reply Oh dear, there's something wrong here. At least Don Saklad's library paranoia got ONE article below 100, but he's still warping the curve. I'm going to have to do some more tweaking before I publish the algorithm for all to enjoy. This is a fairly simple algorithm; although the case could be made that this is an artificial-intelligence-based filtering system employing a fuzzy-state machine, it could also be called a very large scorefile. Essentially, it's a large scorefile (I have about 700 total filters which run across all groups, some of said filters having been disabled for purposes of this test to eliminate the Blue Level, Purple Level, etc. bonuses) which could be implemented in many popular newsreaders. (Now, if I wanted to write my own newsreader, I'd have it also generate the score based on more interesting criteria involving things like keywords in the article text, length of lines, nomber of blank lines, length of words, length of sentences, etc., and someday I may have the energy to do that.) What have we learned from this silly little test? Well, despite that my algorithm has access only to your metadata -- which, on the Internet, does not (normally) include you gender -- it seems to think that boys are smarter than girls. I think that either Terri and Leah are bozos (which is unlikely, as they're among my favorite authors in a.r.k) or else I have stumbled upon something marvelous and am not actually measuring people's IQ but their masculinity/femininity. In other words, I have accidentally discovered the solution to the Turing Test! Simply let a computer judge the IQ of the unknown person and if he's stupid then he's a girl. After studying several other batches of scores, I also perceive a pattern along the lines of "Those who post the most articles tend to have a slightly lower average score than those who post a moderate amount of articles, while those who post few articles have the lowest score." In other words, if statistical analysis of the data were to show this correlation (if my perceptions are not wacko) it would imply that you will be smartest if you make about 10 to 20 posts a week, get bumped down a few notches if you make 40 to 100, and be ignored completely if you post only once a year. (Especially on those weeks when you don't post.) For instance, during this week, Captain Infinity's 9 examined articles ranged from 161 to 75; Frogman's 29 ranged from 140 to 46; Clancy Dalebout's 88 ranged from 123 to 35. This could help explain the above results regarding Terri and Leah (frequent posters) and Lee Shelton Bumgarner and Don Saklad (infrequent posters). The reason why frequency appears to be linked to score is unknown, though there are a few obvious hypotheses: selectivity in choice of articles to respond to, able to spend more time per article, or perhaps the people with less time are filtering out more of the poorer articles and thus respond only in high-value threads. So far we've only looked at scores for threads and authors in alt.religion.kibology. Because this is my favorite newsgroup, we can assume that the filters may be better "adapted" to it than to random newsgroups. Let's check out some other newsgroups, both ones which I read and ones I've never before examined. In sci.physics.particle (a group I follow and contribute to), a few articles get zapped by my anti-spam/kook/flamewar filters. Other than those, here are the extrema of the recent traffic: 155 "Shih-Chang Chao" Call For Papers - ICAST 99 152 vergon@rglobal.net (Vertner Vergon) Clarification of SR Anomalies 135 "David Deyell" Fundamental particle at 2(n+1)h/8c Kg. will validate a new wave equation - feedback pls 1 132 "Lubomir Vlcek" VLCEK against EINSTEIN 131 jac@ibms48.scri.fsu.edu (Jim Carr) Re: Neutrino Oscillations: Unphysical, if real 131 rclark7083@aol.com (RClark7083) lasers and vacuum statistics 128 scottb@ucr.campuscw.net (Scott Begg) Help! A legitimate question regarding nonlocality... 128 Max Keon An Alternative Atom. 127 atomcom2@xoommail.com (Bob Lee Doler) Quantum Weirdness, and big bang 127 jac@ibms48.scri.fsu.edu (Jim Carr) Re: Neutrino Oscillations--new insight 127 jwill@pacbell.net Consolidated ... Neutrino Oscillations are Unphysical 126 "Mike Wales" The New Physics 124 Nathan Hiller Ampere's law 124 "Lubomir Vlcek" VLCEK against NEWTON 120 star1ship@aol.com (STAR1SHIP) Particle vs object velocities 120 kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Re: 34: HYASYS theory and gravity as Coulomb 120 Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Archimedes Plutonium) Special Relativity analogy to Natural Numbers = p-adics 120 "Mike Wales" action/interaction 119 jac@ibms48.scri.fsu.edu (Jim Carr) Re: Consolidated Weak Questions and Neutrino Oscillations 117 "Custos" Heard about a split electron 116 Nathan Hiller Charge on outside surface [...most of the 344 articles are omitted...] 32 vergon@my-dejanews.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 32 "ralph sansbury" Re: SR Evidence Is One Sided 31 vergon@my-dejanews.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 31 Peter Retsinas Re: Nuclear Weapons eMail List 30 torquemada@my-dejanews.com Re: Why aren't Electrons sucked into the Nucleus, and what keeps the Nucleus 30 "J.L.Gaasenbeek" Re: Self Work (F*d) ?? 29 john@petcom.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 28 The Runos Re: Nuclear Weapons eMail List 25 john@petcom.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 23 john@petcom.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 21 john@petcom.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 20 fcathell@aol.com (Fcathell) Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 20 john@petcom.com Re: Question regarding internal structure of electrons 18 "J.L.Gaasenbeek" Re: Self Work = 0 ?? 18 Ian@Goddard.net (Ian Goddard) Re: Self Work = 0 ?? 10 Ian@Goddard.net (Ian Goddard) Re: Self Work = 0 ?? 6 Ian@Goddard.net (Ian Goddard) Re: Self Work = 0 ?? 2 Ian@Goddard.net (Ian Goddard) Re: Self Work = 0 ?? -10 "J.L.Gaasenbeek" Re: Self Work = 0 ?? -10 "J.L.Gaasenbeek" Re: Self Work = 0 ?? -14 "J.L.Gaasenbeek" Re: Self Work = 0 ?? -22 "J.L.Gaasenbeek" Re: Self Work = 0 ?? The thread at the bottom was a long thread (many older articles, with many "References:" in the headers) containing short articles. I.e. the algorithm can sort of distinguish between an on-going chat or flamewar and globs of original content based on the weights assigned to conditions such as the length of the post, the number of references cited, whether or not it is a followup (those last two are related items) as well as other factors. The -22 score is an exceptionally low one, caused by an exceptionally long tete-a-tete consisting of short replies to short replies to short replies by the two authors. Other than that, the algorithm had no information available about the authors themselves or the contents of the articles -- it simply assigned the low ranking based on the available header data. Here are the most recent articles in misc.rural, a group I do not read or contribute to (and no other a.r.k "regulars" are spotted in this list). Apologies for the messy formatting. I realize you can't gauge the quality of these articles from their "Subject:" headers (any more than my algorithm can do it from all the headers) but this should demonstrate that my method yields a distribution of values roughly comprable to human IQ scores. (When I realized the distribution of the protoype scores was centered on a particular value some months ago, I added a constant and a scaling factor to recenter the values on 100 and make most of them fall within 50 to 150.) 127 ken.hoover@DIE.SPAM.DIE.yale.edu (Ken Hoover) Correct way to leave woodburner overnight? 127 bbs1@ptbo.igs.net (Camper) Shortwave Radio 123 backcut@aol.com (BACKCUT) Chain Saws and their Safe Useage 116 strider@ShadowMAC.org (Raul Almquist) Re: Deluxe 4 Person, 1 Year Food Supply 116 strider@ShadowMAC.org (Raul Almquist) Re: Deluxe 4 Person, 1 Year Food Supply 115 nhull@mindspring.com (Nick Hull) Re: Correct way to leave woodburner overnight? 115 nhull@mindspring.com (Nick Hull) Re: Tractors-2WD vs. 4WD 111 vandy@avana.net Re: White pine stump ideas 111 amirza@copper.ucs.indiana.edu (bikerbabe in black leather) Re: Correct way to leave woodburner overnight? 107 sandy@roundthebend.com (Sandy Kear) Re: Chain Saws and their Safe Useage 107 mel sorg Re: Mice in car engines 107 ". ." Re: Mice in car engines 107 vandy@avana.net Re: Anyone raise chickens for a living? 107 "Maggie Roediger" Re: NC Mountains 103 "Robert & Patricia Roberson" Re: turkey vultures 103 "Sarah Mondol and Kathy Thering" Mice in car engines 103 kj@jaf.nildramNOSPAM.co.uk (KJ - Falling Apart) Re: Quorndon Village Magazine now online. 103 John E Sanford Re: Old Wisconsin Engine 99 backcut@aol.com (BACKCUT) Re: Chain Saws and their Safe Useage 99 strider@ShadowMAC.org (Raul Almquist) Re: Trespassers & dumpers 95 Val Re: Mice in car engines 95 Debbie Re: Mice in car engines 95 "Donovan White" Re: Pot Holes 95 xczerotsmx@cris.com Re: Correct way to leave woodburner overnight? 95 y_2_k@writeme.com Re: Deluxe 4 Person, 1 Year Food Supply 92 FP Re: Quorndon Village Magazine now online. 92 tomh@tx3.com Re: Trespassers & dumpers 91 lehunger@aol.com (LEHunger) Re: Brushpiles 91 wwooton@aol.com (WWooton) Re: White pine stump ideas 83 "Janet" Re: millennium villages? 76 cyndylou@my-dejanews.com Re: Deluxe 4 Person, 1 Year Food Supply 75 drizler@yahoo.com Re: Mice in car engines 71 cyndylou@my-dejanews.com Re: Trespassers & dumpers 64 R Bishop Re: Help with homeowners assoc. 55 tomh@tx3.com Re: Can you drop long distance telephone service? 53 chip hopper Re: translucent fiberglass roof panels VS. PVC for part of pole barn roof???? 30 drizler@yahoo.com translucent fiberglass roof panels VS. PVC for part of pole barn roof???? 29 "Donovan White" Re: translucent fiberglass roof panels VS. PVC for part of pole barn roof???? 8 12/10/98 9:38 PM It would be interesting to plot the distribution to see what shape of curve it makes. It's likely not a perfect bell, but must be some sort of vaguely Gaussian distribution... Note that the scores for the "despammed" (killed) articles are not shown. Those would be in the range of -1000 (to ensure that they stay below 0 no matter how many IQ points they are assigned.) Spam articles which get by the despam filters usually sort towards the bottom of the IQ range, but some do show up at the top, because some versions of "MAKE.MONEY.FAST" have enough content (and no references, often no cross-posts) to move upwards if the filters don't detect any giveaways in the "Subject:" header itself (such as the words "make" and "money" in proximity.) The methods of killing the spam are a separate topic; for purposes of this experiment, the spam that was killed is not shown. Let's try one other newsgroup I've never read before. rec.pets.birds. This turned out to be a high-traffic group, and 1266 articles from the past two weeks were examined: 142 "Ron Smith" Cockatoo for Sale 141 "The Mud-Duck" Season's Breetings 138 "The Mud-Duck" Too Much TV 4 132 petcrows@bigfoot.com (Jonathan Higbee) Carolina Parakeet.... 129 cherohkee@aol.com (CherOhkee) Twas' the Night Before Christmas Parrot Style 127 Kevin Thurston Multiple birds 126 beladonna99@usa.net (Bella Donna) New Bird Mommy 125 warchild@poboxes.com (Chris) Umbrella Cockatoo looking for new home - Texas 125 Chet Swanson Budgie Resources on the Internet 125 "Bryan K. Wilson" Christmas Scarlet Poem 124 "Musti" Meyer's Parrot and Canary Winged Parakeet For Sale 124 Tim and Denise Antler aftermath of December 1st (sorry, very long). 124 "bumprr" My apoligie to toucanlady, My stories, mamabirds rudness and the requests to cont. Katie my Caique or 4 Parrots and a Boat [...] 10 toucanldy@aol.com (Toucanldy) Re: Lessons Learned 10 lawgan@rmci.net Fat 'Keet?? 10 Liz Day Re: Fat 'Keet?? 10 baminals@aol.com (Baminals) Re: Hmm... Any Ideas??? 10 jackienw@aol.com (JackieNW) Re: Adoption help/???'s 10 mammacag@aol.com (MAMMACAG) Re: Diapers for bird! Go figure!! 9 "Dan Spencer" Re: Double Death 4 six66666@hotmail.com Re: Cats and catnip 2 pier6sealions@webtv.net (Doug Cook) Re: Hmm... Any Ideas??? 2 pier6sealions@webtv.net (Doug Cook) Re: Lessons Learned 2 Alexx1200@webtv.net (Alex Clayton) Re: lovebird questions ??? 1 parrotress@aol.com (Parrotress) Re: New Post-I Like Birds! (But I'm cured!!) -1 "Mamabird" Re: New Post-I Like Birds! (But I'm cured!!) -1 (Moebius) HEALTH QUESTION RE MACAW!!! -4 hsbbwebtyler@webtv.net (helen sanders) Re: Elliot the CAG Is All Mine! -4 hsbbwebtyler@webtv.net (helen sanders) Re: Abbreviations for newcomers -6 kennyod@aol.com (Kennyod) Re: Diapers for bird! Go figure!! -6 lawgan@rmci.net Re: Fat 'Keet?? -6 toucanldy@aol.com (Toucanldy) Re: Fat 'Keet?? -8 six66666@hotmail.com Re: Toronto Pet bylaws that may make your pet Illegal. :( -8 hsbbwebtyler@webtv.net (helen sanders) Re: First word -8 hsbbwebtyler@webtv.net (helen sanders) Re: ducky said his first word today! -10 Corinella Community Centre Public Access test -14 camry747@aol.comnoQspam (Camry747) Re: Lessons Learned -14 hsbbwebtyler@webtv.net (helen sanders) Re: HELP!!!! -18 Alexx1200@webtv.net (Alex Clayton) Re: Hmm... Any Ideas??? -18 six66666@hotmail.com Re: HELP!!!! -41 bnich@bellatlantic.net Bird Toys at Wholesale Prices -41 bnich@bellatlantic.net Bird Toys at Wholesale Prices -44 langgang@mindless.com Paint in aviary ...the articles with extremely low scores tend to be one-line posts; The formula mapping length of posts onto a numeric contribution to the overall score is shaped so as to penalize both very short and very long articles. However, as a very long article may be something interesting (like this very article!) or a long piece of spam, the weight for "article is over 1000 lines" can't be high enough to change its score dramatically, while the weight for "article is under 2 lines" reflects that nobody can say anything truly worthwhile in a one-line post. (Those are always either a piece of spam containing only a URL, or a fragment such as "Me Too!" or "unsubscribe" with no content or context.) Different newsgroups appear to have different IQ distributions; rec.pets.birds appears to be centered around approximately 85 IQ, while alt.religion.kibology is centered around approximately 95. I suspect the differences are in part due to differing levels of experience among the average contributors to the different newsgroups, and in part due to the differences in the number of posts per day. (Also, because age of articles is factored in, we must remember that some of the rec.pets.birds articles above are two weeks old, while we only looked at a.r.k articles from within the past week.) It would be interesting to set up a program to automatically compile IQ statistics for each author, each thread, each newsgroup, and each hierarchy just to see what patterns emerge. (Or to uncover fatal flaws in this article-ranking algorithm which produces scores that we like to pretend are similar to IQs in scale, with no actual connection.) I repeat, these things aren't REALLY IQ scores, so don't write in and complain that your "Paint in aviary" article was ranked at forty-four below zero, way below Don Saklad's "Reason or rationale". -- K. This article, of course, will score very well. After all, it's new, it's long, it's not a crosspost, it's not a followup, and it's ALL MINE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 04:53:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [snip parts not about me] Me me or you me? We really need to start attributing our snips. Like this: [snipped by Kibo] It's too bad you'll never find out what my suggestion on the previous line was. > > Interestingly, this thread makes my newsreader claim that Terri has > > an IQ of 46 or 54, which I'm sure is not accurate. > > Maybe not accurate, but flattering just the same. Maybe someday, > if I work really hard and really wash really a lot of dishes, I, > too, will be a super-genius with an IQ of 46 or 54. I should point out that, except when I'm eating out, I eat only off paper plates (except for TV dinners, which have their own trays), disposable plastic bowls, and disposable plastic flatware. AND I DON'T WASH NONE OF THEM NEITHER!!! I do have A PAN that I have to wash a LOT. So because of this I will schedule myself to apply for a patent on DISPOSABLE, UNWASHABLE PANS and I now have exactly 364.99999999 days before I need to start inventing it. Then, nobody will need to wash dishes every again! Except for Archie, because that's the only way he can get Internet access, or so he claims. -- K. I know, I'll invent a way people can dial up the Internet from their homes for a low monthly fee! I'm sure Archie would love anyone who invented Internet Service Providers! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:37:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor doctoraaron@mindless.com, whose "real name" was eaten by his WebTV, wrote: > > [...] > > I hope I misread that; I'd hate to think I'm dumber than my WebTV. Older than Bob Hope, too. -- K. And with shorter pants than Donald Duck. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:35:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) warbled: > > > > So because of this I will schedule myself to apply for a patent on > > DISPOSABLE, UNWASHABLE PANS and I now have exactly 364.99999999 days > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > Needless to say, IWPTA "disposable, unwashable pants". Yes, but at least I don't wear disposable WASHABLE pants. YOU'LL NEVER USE TOILET PAPER AGAIN NOW THAT THERE'S TOILET UNDERWEAR! I'm sorry. I didn't invent it, I just made it up. -- K. I HAVE THE FLU AND A FEVER AND I THINK THAT THE INTERNET IS REAL. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 04:29:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > I quit. Don't go! You just scored 107! I think that's a new record for a girl! (I am not sexist. It's just that my computer is, because all computers are inherently male, except on "Star Trek".) > When the only mention of me in a 568-line post about ARK denizens is a > vague reference to when Terri posted as "That Stacia Chyk", it's time to go. I thought about omitting her lame Plutonium-style forgery of you (she didn't even pronounce your name right! It's "stack-ya", right?) but I included it so you wouldn't feel left out. and Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) replied: > > Yeah, that's why I'm in alt.religion.kibology. For the GLAMOR. For some reason, that scored 111. Hmm. It appears to be because it was a couple lines longer than Stacia's because you quoted her. HEY EVERYONE LET'S ALL QUOTE STACIA SO WE'LL BE SMARTER THAN HER!!! WE FOUND AN ABOVE-AVERAGE GIRL WE CAN EXPLOIT!!!! Anyway, those extra three lines pushed it up from the "10 to 14 lines" bracket to the "15 to 24 lines" bracket (I need to break these down further) so Nick got 8 extra points. So if we take away Nick's extra points for putting your words in your mouth in his post, you got 107 (with no quoting) and his post, minus eight lines of quoting, would have come in shorter than yours and he would have been in the "5 to 9 lines" bracket with a score of 95. So, Stacia, please come back, we love you even if you're smarter than men. Tell you what -- if you come back, we can pretend to be married for a day. -- K. (My choice of day.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 00:54:55 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, despite that my algorithm has access only to your metadata -- > > which, on the Internet, does not (normally) include you[r] gender -- > > it seems to think that boys are smarter than girls. I think that either > > Terri and Leah are bozos (which is unlikely, as they're among my favorite > > authors in a.r.k) or else I have stumbled upon something marvelous and > > am not actually measuring people's IQ but their masculinity/femininity. > > In other words, I have accidentally discovered the solution to the > > Turing Test! Simply let a computer judge the IQ of the unknown person > > and if he's stupid then he's a girl. > > Actually, as you stated yourself, your system isn't designed to measure > IQ so much as measure the likelihood that you will want to read the > posts. > > I imagine that when we get to see your magic system, there will be > some slight skew towards masculine topics, or at least those topics > that chyx don't bother posting about, as if your scorefile favored > posts about beer and the Three Stooges, and demerited posts about > tampons and sales at Mervyn's. Yes, but the filters do not promote *anything* based on the *contents* of "Subject:". They look only at the mechanics (length, capitalization, etc.) and there are some de-spam filters that dock things with certain words (permutations of "make money", phone numbers, etc.) So your theory has just been proven to be WRONG, which makes you A GIRL!!!! Filters which highlight things based on keywords (a rather dubious way to auto-select things, in my experience) promote things to color-coded levels much above the IQ scores (e.g. if I were to highlight "Boston" it would be flagged in red and promoted a few hundred points.) None of those filters were involved in the "IQ" computations here, otherwise all Green Level posts (from me) would have come out at about 16150, etc. The IQ filters are designed to be completely agnostic as to usernames (although they do look at domains) and the meaning of the "Subject:" header, the newsgroup name, or the content of the post, to make them usable on random newsgroups with topics that aren't known. Building a filter to select or kill threads based on particular strings of letters is not only a very newsgroup-specific way of doing things, but it requires you to predict in advance what the possible sets of words (and spellings) of good topics are. My algorithm is designed to be the "tie-breaker" which sort things which are not tagged by such specific desires/antipathies so that the "vast unlabelled bulk of the Black Zone" will prioritize things a little. > Or, perhaps the computer thinks you're gay. Look for the gay option > in your scorefile and set it to FALSE, this should clear it up. But I'm not using Dartmouth InterNews 2.02. I'm using a MEN'S newsreader. -- K. EM-TEE EN-DOUBLE-YOU FOR MEN, MEN, MEN ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 07:55:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor B. Chas Parisher (bang@netcom.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) sez: > > > > 96 [IQ] bang@netcom.com (B. Chas Parisher) > > This post scored high because I followed up James "Kibo" Parry with a > self referential top ten list that morphed into a mini cascade. This > frightens me. Uh, yeah, 96, that's a right high IQ. You're almost smarter than nearly half of the kids who are average! A 96 IQ is not as good as, say, a "96" on your algebra test. Even at Schenectady County Community College, where I saw someone's "Algebra" homework (midway through the second semester) and the first problem was: 1/2 = .50000000 1/4 = _________ I was in the "Calculus" class, which kicked off its first week with: GRAPH THE EQUATION "X < 3" ON THIS NUMBER LINE: o-----+-----+-----+-----+-----+---> 0 1 2 3 4 5 (I've told this story before, I know.) I had to take that BOZO "Calculus" class even though I had already taken three semesters of calc at a tech school -- you know, real stuff that actually had calculus in it, like the little dee things and the skinny ess things -- but when I transfered to Mickey Mouse Community College to load up on easy "A"s while I fleed a specialized school I didn't like and shopped for a different kind of specialized school I would like, Schenectady County Community College refused to process my transcript from RPI until just over HALFWAY THROUGH THE FIRST SEMESTER and they forced me to take bozo "Calculus I" even though I kept telling them I had already had Calc III at a REAL college. The teacher liked to collect the homework at random -- I never did it because it didn't count towards the grade. One day she chastised me in class for never doing my homework (I literally NEVER did any) and I said, "I got an 'A' in Calc I already at RPI." I spent that whole semester sitting in the back of the room in the seat nearest the door doodling. If I recall, I got a 98 on the final. I think the homework actually counted as something like 2% of the final grade, but since SCCC graded on the A/B/C/D/F system, I knew I was in for a trivial 'A'. Obviously this state-run school assumed that people often passed through the New York State high school system without being able to tie their own shoes, and that all the ones who could had gone to real schools. Anyway, I took my glob of 'A's (as well as the all-time highest score on the Math Club's math contest -- 83, the record was fifty-something) and ran away to Emerson College where I studied something which had nothing to do with any of the hard stuff from RPI or the wimpy stuff from SCCC. And I learned everything there is to know about bad TV shows. Some day when I feel like being mocked for the rest of my life I'll tell you about the bozo who was in the "Algebra" class. But I don't think I'll do that for a while. I've suffered enough by just being forced to be in the same room with this person at a school where the primary majors were Culinary Arts and Travel & Tourism. > --B. Chas "who's scoring system doesn't display nearly as much emergent > behavior, much less a rudimentary intelligence" Parisher It's not really emergent behavior, it's emetic behavior. Also, your scoring system misspelled "whose". -- K. Unless you learned English from Binkles Bunny and Dopey The Dingbat in "Who's Shoes?" WHOOSH! I'M 98 PAST THE McIRVIN LIMIT! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Meme I don't have any use for. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 10:01:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "zeppelinzer torture". I can't think of anything to do with it, so you can have it. Use it for good, use it for evil, meme does not allow wearer to fly. -- K. I suggest connecting it to that Spanish-language game show, "SUPER BLA-BLAZO". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Oh no! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 01:09:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor TV Guide has just undergone an ugly, ugly redesign. (I'm talking about the print version, for those of you reading this in the distant future -- TV Guide was originally a magazine.) But that's not the horrible part. THEY'VE DROPPED THE LETTERS TO THE EDITOR PAGE! This means that next year we won't be able to play the "Shatner or Twirling Boy?" party game at any alt.religion.kibology gatherings. Just imagine, no more of: Dear TV Guide, How dare you insult "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch" by calling it "an acceptable piece of light entertainment"? I may be only sixteen but the network that produces the show, whichever one it is, had better learn that me and both of my friends have a demographic! Try harder next time! Floyd Jones Waco, Texas ...and Archimedes Plutonium will now never get his letter about the Plutonium Atom Totality published in EVERY magazine. TV GUIDE IS PART OF THE CONSPIRACY!!! Anyway, I say we should all write to TV Guide and demand that they start accepting letters from their readers. Especially the dumb ones. -- K. I liked the one which said that Tara Lipinski's twirling in a skating rink "distinguished us as a species". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A further explanation Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 09:20:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com ) wrote: > > > > P.S. Other Utah news: They spilled a lot of liquid hydrogen by my > > house. But I'm ok. YOU GOT YOUR LIQUID HYDROGEN IN MY PEANUT BUTTER!!! Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > For some reason this reminds me of a holiday classic: > > We three kings of Orient are > Tried to smoke a rubber cigar > It was loaded and exploded > Now we're on yonder star That was performed by the dynamic duo of Shatner & Nimoy in the episode titled "Plato's Retarded Little Brother" by Shari Lewis and Walter Koenig, right? The episode ends with Kirk saying to Ensign Lupus, "Set course... YONDER, BOY!!!" That was back before Gene Roddenberry said you had to have reached puberty or be as tall as the sign to fly the Enterprise, which is why they fired Walter Koenig and he took up writing and cranked out masterpieces such as "Buck Alice And The Actor Robot In The 25th Century" and "Chekov: A Terrible Aspect". Oh dear, I think Matt needs to explain all that. > I am NOT going to say anything else about loads and rubber cigars. I think that instead of making toddlers wear rubber pants they should just be made to live in rubber houses than can be hosed down by the Government. Can you tell I have the flu? I can't say things like that well. Well, I can't say well that well when I am well. > Anyway, you should have saved the hydrogen and started your own space > program, like in that show with Andy Griffith, only you would have needed > Mono-Hydrazine. Not to mention some of that opaque green motor oil which comes out of garbage subjected to your secret bacteria. > And you would have to use the Trans-Linear Vector System > which is much smarter than the dumb old physics they use at NASA. Because NASA was founded in 1958 and they just coasted all the way to the present day, but the TLVS keeps accelerating all the way to the Moon until the moment of landing, so you come down so hard you don't bounce!!! > I know all about space 'cause my moon car won an honorable mention > on Pixeltime. As the little floating head from the Atari 2600 version of Racter says: --> THE ASTRONAUT MOON CAR WINS AN HONORABLE MENTION! --> mmcirvin@world.std.com, YOU HAVE TRUE TALENT AND A CLASSY, FUTURISTIC --> VISION! VERILY, I WISH WE LIVED IN A WORLD OF YOUR DEVISING! I note that Matt was attempting to draw a photo-realistic version of a 1970-era lunar rover, like the one that Dave Foley used to run over his camera before he quit the Kids In The Hall and joined Mr. Show because the Kids In The Hall weren't open to the idea of the cast members all being married. To each other. So anyway, I think the little Pez dispenser head was being sarcastic. Or, to be more precise, carsastic. Matt, I'm going to CC: this to Mike Jittlov so that you can explain all this to him, and to point out that you can beat him at both Battle-Girl and Pixeltime. -- K. I hated it when Bill Cosby would sing the Pixeltime theme song because it meant that the next segment of "Captain Kangaroo" would be that guy in the pink leotard who was supposed to be inside-out, and his rectum came out just above his crotch... in front. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Andy Rooney's Car Stolen Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 06:54:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Riboflavin" (ribo@mindspring.com) wrote: > > When I was living in NYC, a friend of mine had the windshield wipers stolen > off of his car. WTF is the point of that? They only cost like $5 in the > store, it's just bizarre criminal activity. I'm sorry, I stole it when I was seven, because I used one of the windshield wiper blades to pretend I was the clock on "Beat The Clock", but I was also bouncing my favorite balloon on it at the time, and my balloon popped, so I stopped watching that stupid show. This has been a TRUE POINTLESS STORY. -- K. You need a logic probe to see where my memory traces are going. NO TWO OF MY BRAIN CELLS ARE IN ANY WAY CONNECTED! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Andy Rooney's Car Stolen Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 10:04:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > > > I had my back wheel stolen offa my bike just 3 months ago (I do not > > drive, in an effort to be as Kibo-like as possible). > > and then, years later, the state of Orgegon dynamited > a whale, and *inside*, they found your bicycle tire, > with that rotten thief still a\hanging on for dear life! A diagonal backdash. It's either a punctuatioriffic new symbol or else you're just using DOS in your sleep. While drooling all over your giant marshmallow. And then, they tried to inflate the bicycle tire some more, and it exploded, and then a puppy came out, and they all hugged it! Poor Spot! He didn't get to be in this story because it has a happy ending! It was just some other stupid happy dog! -- K. But not all dogs are happy. And even happy dogs are more stupid than happy, if you measure happiness in IQ points. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,sci.physics,sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BIG SUCK and MODELS FOR ATOMS Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 07:54:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, sci.physics, and sci.physics.relativity, Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > None of the models for describing the structure and what takes place > inside of an atom are satisfactory except the one described below. > > Inside the atom again the primeval power struggle, the primeval battle > between the two primeval adversaries the VOID OF SPACE and the > PRIMEVAL CONCENTRATED MASS (regardless of its infinitesimality) is > taking place inexorably and relentlessly. Does anyone else think that Barney Collier's son would be the perfect actor to play Dr. Abian in a cheap "Seinfeld" knockoff? Then Rollin Hand's daughter could come in and do something, too, cause the kids like her. Also she's got GAMS from HERE to YA-YA! > The void of space inside the atom tends to dilute and dissolve whatever > massive parts of an atom there are, in order to disencumber itself from the > presence of the intruding primeval adversary - THE MASS. Quatermass fights his intruding primeval adversary in: QUATERMASS AND THE MASS Tonight on BBC 1 during prime time (4:15 PM to 4:51 PM). Watch as a human being turns into a spiky pickle and slowly disencumbers!!! > The VOID of space sucks (sound of cellophane crinkling) LINE BREAK INSERTED FOR NO REASON (sound of cellophane crinkling) NOW BACK TO THE SENTENCE > the fabric of an atom by making the atom to > disintegrate via all kinds and types of radiations and deteriorating > acts. So, you have found the reason Shatner just keeps getting worse? > In their turn, the masses present in an atom react to be sucked in, > to be diluted and dissipated. And, as a reaction to being torn > apart they produce all kinds of forces to prevent their dissipation. > Forces such as electromagnetic, and many other kinds of mass binding > forces. Didn't Count Alfred Korzybski invent a machine to do that involving a spaghetti-sorter, a coconut-grater, and half a Rubik's Cube? Or was that just stuff that Count J. Michael Straczynski nailed to the wall on "Babylon 5"? > Just as when you walk on a rug and torment the rug by your walking > over it, as a reaction to your annoying the rug, positive and negative > charges are created between the rug and the sole of your shoes which try > to attract each other and STOP YOU FROM WALKING ALL OVER THE RUG!!!!! THE GRAND UNIFIED FIELD THEORY SAYS, "DON'T TREAD ON ME!" > The BIG SUCK process is what is happening inside of an atom > which is much more convincing than any other explanations > given by the models suggested by the main-stream physics - > models such as miniature solar systems, orbiting electrons, etc, etc.. > Electrons do not orbit they are produced as a result of atomic masses > being tormented by the BIG SUCK, just as positive and negative charges > are being produced between the rug and the sole of your shoes to stop > you from tormenting the rug (very often to no avail) by walking all > over it!! Okay, I'm gonna go hook up my E-meter to my rug right now and jump up and down on it until I get at least one really good primal scream to come out of the deep shag. -- K. I HATE MY RUG!!! Now, Shatner, he LOVES his rug. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BIG SUCK and MODELS FOR ATOMS Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 12 Dec 1998 02:47:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Eddie Saxe (saxe@sgi.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > Does anyone else think that Barney Collier's son would be the perfect actor > > to play Dr. Abian in a cheap "Seinfeld" knockoff? > > Sorry. No. All other Abian knock-offs pale in comparison to Henry Rollins. Okay, we'll compromise. We'll have Cinnamon Carter expose the men of "Mission: Impossible" to that special drug that turns you gay that they stopped The Other Side from helping The Syndicate put in the water supply of Town, the drug that turns them gay, then Rollin Hand will marry Barney Collier and one or the other or both of them will give birth to Henry Rollin Hand, and then we'll build a "Mission: Impossible" pinball machine which rewards you for giving it an Earth-Like Tilt, and Henry Rollin Hand will play it against Elton "King Of Science" John, and then Kramer will come in and Jerry Seinfeld will make fun of how he insists it's a "statue of limitations." "Yeah, it's a SCULPTURE of limitations." -- K. What about the fat guy from "Sliders"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bill Gates and head injuries? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 09:58:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.folklore.urban, anitaw@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > The following message was received via the feedback form from my company's > web site, which I maintain. No contact information, e-mail address, or > anything from the sender was included, and Systems is far to busy to bother > with the nonsense of tracing it. But I'm curious now as to what the hell > this guy/girl is talking about. This is the full, unedited text we received, > I swear to God: > > ******* > Are you the people that came out with the first personal computer. > If > so i herd that the young man that was behind getting that > computer to work and did many lectures had suffered a nasty > head injury many years ago. The story also goes that he hired Bill Gates to > manage the accounting of Microsoft. Then a few years back Gates caved his head > in a the compiler that this man built for Gates to basic programing at. Now > your many in Hurt and without memory and money > while Gates is rich > Where do you stand? > ******* Although a few people have pointed out that this is probably a mangled version of the story of Apple co-founder Wozniak's hang-gliding accident, my theory is that the guy thinks "a compiler" is the same as "a compactor" and that Steve Jobs pushed Wozniak into the think and switched it on and laughed all the way to the bank. And that Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are the same person. > p.s. No, my company did not develop the first personal computer, although > everyone asks. Everyone knows that Gene Roddenberry invented the computer. -- K. I could post some of the wackier feedback my employer gets from Web site visitors, but most of it's below this quality. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BITS AND PIECES...12/03 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 08:23:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > [...] note that Stephen Will Tanner is interchangable with any > kibologist satisfying the following USRDA requirements: > > Video Games.........................50% Must have reached the end of "Blaster" and found it a thoroughly satisfying sexual experience. Especially the gurgling noise. > Caffeine............................25% Counts double if you get it from things that don't say "caffeine" in boldface in the ingredients list. > Callbacks...........................10% (15% with 1 cup skim milk) Do callbacks to callbacks score as 10% or as (10% x 10%) = 1%? > Esperanto...........................10% Hey, I got the hat if you got the funny typewriter. A callback to a post I made fifteen minutes ago: I played SSI's board game based on "The Stainless Steel Rat" a lot because you could play it by yourself and it had a different ending every time, which means I must have played it less than six times. > Angst................................5% I think DreamWorks SKG is going to rush a knockoff of you titled "ANGTZ" into production just to help destroy Apple Computer, Inc. DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.31 McIRVINOS. I would work Carl Sagan into that one, but that would just make it easier. > Objectivism..........................5% Are you truly object-oriented? Do you arms and legs tell you what to do when you're walking around? Do you have a telephone in your bathtub which is filled with drugs? (The bathtub, not the phone.) DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.92 McIRVINOS (but only because I once told Matt, otherwise it would be about 98.6 on the McIrvinometer.) > Short, shameful confessions..........2% WORLD'S SHORTEST, MOST SHAMEFUL CONFESSION: "I faithfull swear to execute the office of President -- I wet 'em!" That could obviously be much shorter if shame did not trump shortness. (Look at all Dr. Loveless!) DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.22 McIRVINOS (because Dennis Miller keeps reminding people of the ORIGINAL Dr. Loveless, not the robot one, and because Mike Jittlov could probably explain it in a pinch because he was the first person to make a major feature film based on "The Wild Wild West") > Niacin...............................1% The original one, or the one drawn by Jerry Scott where her head wasn't drawn with an ellipse template and there weren't evil Communist beatniks everywhere? > The Fourth Wall.......................* I can see it now: Hitler, Jr. builds a wall diagonally across Berlin not for political reasons, but JUST TO ANNOY PEOPLE! And he could name it Larry just so it would respond to his Usenet posts. DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.01 McIRVINOS (because if it is really accurate, Larry Wall will show up to explain it, except he won't because I just said he would and I know how his mind works because I wrote Perl so I could search for my name.) > Due to increased gym time, Stephen Will Tanner is now available only > in size Large. Do you still wear shorts, or have you graduated to wides? THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE! YOU LET ME MENTION EUGENE JARVIS AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHO HITLER WAS! -- K. Mental image: Mike Bent trying to explain Hitler to Fisher Junior College, whose buildings now have plaques which say FISHER ###### COLLEGE. P.S. I did not mention "seaQuest" or "Space: 1999" or late DeForest Kelley in this post because it was written with Matt McIrvin in mind and he knows who they are. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Calling of Phoenix, Sam, Kibo, MacGiggle as witnesses Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 23:15:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, sane person Wesley Serra (wserra@panix.com) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > [Snip idiot rant about how poster will sue everyone who flames|disagrees > > with him.] > > > > Yea, I can take a sabbatical from Dartmouth for 2 years, and just go > > from one law court to another. It would be fun to drag Phoenix, Barry > > Shein, Kibo, Sam, MacGiggle from one law court to another. I think that > > once I drag this circus around in circles for 2 years, that these > > laddie boys will straighten-up. They will learn the full sense of the > > concept "leave a person alone if he wants to be left alone!" > > Let me clue you in on something - although, from your posts, only one clue > is woefully inadequate. I dunno, I think his clue is more "happily inadequate". I mean, I'd have to stop making fun of him if he stopped acting so wacky. > In a civil proceeding - or criminal proceeding, > if you are financially able - Are you kidding? Archie is a millionaire stock market investor. Hey, Arch, you use to tell everyone that you had an edition of your "The Mind Of A Wealth Accumulator" book (which you were posting chunks from to Usenet) that we could buy on acid-free paper for $200. How many of those did you sell after you finished writing it? And did you sell those books before or after winning all those Nobel prizes? > if you call a witness, you have to pay his/her expenses. And, of course, I am the world's most expensive witness. Don't forget that Archie will also need to call the staff of DejaNews, because he thinks there is some conspiracy to prevent it from listing only his articles, as well as the staff of AOL, because he thinks all the AOL users who disagree with him are the same person, and the staff of The New York Times, because they're part of the Jewish conspiracy (he calls them "The Jew York Times") to promulgate Andrew Wiles's proof of Fermat's Last Theorem and not his Plutonium Arithmetic. Not making up. > Of course, no judge will ever let you "drag [witnesses] > from one law court to another" even if you were Donald Trump. The solution is simple. Archie must stop pretending he's Donald Trump and must start pretending he's a judge! This is a natural progression from pretending to be a scientist and lawyer. Maybe if Archie wants people to stop thinking of him as a campus dishwasher (actually, he prefers the term "potwasher") he should start incomptently pretending to be a dishwasher. After all, we would never in a million years believe he's a lawyer. So if he started ranting about his magical dishwashing abilities, we'd just figure he was pretending to be a dishwasher for the prestige. > However, I think you should start adding up air fares and hotel rates > for bringing folks from all over the country. Oh, I'm sure the hotel costs for a dozen witnesses for two years would be no big deal. And let's not forget the food. I require a big bowl of saffron-covered Cheerios ever morning. > If your response is that you will name them as defendants, you get to do > that *once*. Of course, it is overwhelmingly likely that you will have to > sue an individual where s/he lives in order to obtain personal > jurisdiction. So if Phoenix lives in, say, Phoenix, AUGH! PHOENIX IS RECURSIVE! Maybe Archie means he is going to sue Pheonix, as in the whole city. > plan on several trips to Arizona to sue him/her. And let's not forget that "The Simpsons" keeps making fun of mad scientists, so Archie will sue them once he figures out where Springfield is. > And wherever you choose to sue a particular > person or company will be the only time you get to do it, due to a couple > of things called "full faith and credit" and "res judicata". In Latin, doesn't "res judicata" mean "King of the Jews"? I think that once Archie (self-titled "King of Science") finds out about that he's going to insist that the courts change from Latin to a more anti-Semitic language in order to be fair to him. > You know, there is nothing quite so pathetic as ridiculously impotent > threats to sue or subpoena posted to legal NGs. Do you *like* being > viewed as an idiot? Archimedes Plutonum-inpsired Lame Roger Moore James Bond Movie Title #11: "A View To An Idiot" -- K. (In which Roger Moore is seen only from behind whenever he does anything, such as walking down stairs or drinking tea.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,sci.edu,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Calling of Phoenix, Sam, Kibo, MacGiggle as witnesses Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 09:11:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal and sci.edu, while discussing his five (so far!) imaginary lawsuits against every Internet service provider whose customers think he's a bozo, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Wesley Serra (wserra@panix.com) writes: > > > > In a civil proceeding - or criminal proceeding, > > if you are financially able - if you call a witness, you have to pay > > his/her expenses. Of course, no judge will ever let you "drag [witnesses] > > from one law court to another" even if you were Donald Trump. However, I > > think you should start adding up air fares and hotel rates for bringing > > folks from all over the country. > > Let me teach you something, although you sound too closed-minded to > listen. Uh oh, Wesley, watch out! Panix will be hit with a gigantic invisible lawsuit! (He's moments aways from concluding that you're the owner of Panix, too -- I think he's claimed I run three Internet services, when obviously I don't run any. I'm too much of a wacky bozo to be trusted to run ANYTHING.) > A lesson I learned after I got out of college and has helped my > life and career immensely (someday if you have time and interest, you > can read about it in my autobio > http://www.galstar.com/~ichudov/ppl/ap/File1966-1972.html ). > > And it involves an art, a skill and I think I am an expert at it. It > is the skill of "acting dumb" to get ahead of an adversary. Yes, you've made a career of it! You truly ARE the expert at acting dumb. You deserve the Nobel Prize For Dumbness! > I used it effectively in salesmanship. People do not like to buy things > from a person who is or acts smarter than they. Exactly what sort of things do people buy from professional dishwashers? > So, you have to use the fine art of "acting dumb" in order to make > them feel that they are in control. I will believe you are "acting" dumb the moment you say _anything_ even remotely intelligent. I mean, you flame people who disagree with your assertion that England is a peninsula. Now, if you're now claiming that you're only PRETENDING that your head is so withered that you think England is a peninsula, well, only a total idiot would pretend to be such a major idiot. > And it is a shame that colleges and universities do not teach > students the fine art of acting dumber than what they are. Yeah! Harvard only teaches you to act dumber than people who are smarter than you! A really good school would teach you to act dumber than someone who was exactly as smart as you are but stupid. > Schools teach the exact opposite of having students behave pretentiously > smarter than what they actually are. The education system of the US > needs vast improvement on teaching or at least making students aware of > the fact that it is better in many cases to act dumber than what you > really are. And to only act your superior intelligence once your > mission or goal is accomplished. Perhaps a college course titled "the > art of acting dumb". Perhaps in acting school or drama school can this > be taught but it is important for salespersons. And it is useful in > lawyering. How would you know? You didn't even know there was a difference between "statue" and "statute". Either you're not a lawyer, or you're pretending to be dumb so effectively that you still couldn't possibly win a case. Does your idea that colleges should teach stupidity tie in with your insistence that Dartmouth should be renamed "Plutonium College"? Does this have something to do with your idea of replacing Homecoming with dodgeball and a "siesta"? [back the comments of sane person Wesley Serra] > > > If your response is that you will name them as defendants, you get to do > > that *once*. Of course, it is overwhelmingly likely that you will have to > > sue an individual where s/he lives in order to obtain personal > > jurisdiction. So if Phoenix lives in, say, Phoenix, plan on several trips > > to Arizona to sue him/her. And wherever you choose to sue a particular > > person or company will be the only time you get to do it, due to a couple > > of things called "full faith and credit" and "res judicata". > > No, I am working out the logistics now. I need to find the state that > has the best laws on stalking. This will be a Federal Court and the > defendants, mostly will be sysadmin from various ISPs who have > practiced "vigilante stalking and attack of a private citizen" This will get about as far as: "Mr. Plutonium, if that is your name, can you prove that [name of random guy who laughed at Archimedes Plutonium from AOL] is a 'sysadmin' of AOL?" "Uh... duh... me not know, me be stupid. But me only be pretend. Duh." "Your honor, I move for a summary judgement and that the plaintiff be stricken from the voter registry." "Granted. Also I am issuing a restraining order which says that Mr. Plutonium must stay 300 feet away from anything to do with science, computers, math, or any form of letters and numbers." > Sysadm of various ISP or workers of many ISP have gained " unchecked > police power over the Internet". Instead of defining > searchenginebombing and setting etiquette standards, these sysadmin > have attacked private citizens with that practice. Oh no! Archie is suing because other people didn't define the nonsense word he made up! Next he's going to sue us all for refusing to call a woxenhambler a woxenhambler. Do tell us all about "searchenginebombing", Archie. And let's not forget its counterparts, "bombenginesearching", "enginesearchbombing", and "umbrellabumberchuting." > Instead of defining "stalking" , sysadm of ISP have "lynch -mobbed-together" > and attacked private citizens such as me with vigilante stalking. > > I suspect that my lawsuit will be the pioneering case that defines > better the practice of (1) improper use of a private citizens name on > Internet (2) stalking (3) searchenginebombing I think we can safely say that no lawsuit has yet defined "searchenginebombing". > Sysadmin have gained too much (especially when they band together) > police power of the Internet. YEAH! SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS SHOULD HAVE *LESS* POWER TO ADMINISTER THEIR SYSTEMS THAN DISHWASHERS DO! > I will find the Federal Court that suits me, I'm sorry, I don't think Backwardsland Federal Court is possible to travel to from this universe. > and then call as defendants all of those that have vigilante style attacked > via stalking, searchenginebombing, slander etc. All of them? Remember, this is on record. If you don't call EVERY PERSON WHO HAS EVER SAID SOMETHING BAD ABOUT YOU, you'll go to jail for perjury and for not finding enough people to tell the court that they think you're an idiot. (I can see him now: "Kibo, please tell the court your opinion of me." Then I talk for about an hour.) > If you take a look at my killfile on my homepage, a large proportion > of those people are sysadmin or workers for a ISP. They have a tendency > to band together and play pranks on private citizens and to stalk > > I feel confident that after my law case that I will have improved > Usenet immensely. I dunno, I think any possible benefit Usenet could gain from your spending a day in court away from computers would be far outweighed by the fact that an entire jury would have to actually listen to you. Hmm, I think someone should to enter some of your "Plutonium Hymns" (like "It's Got The Whole Observable Universe In Its 94th Electron") into evidence so that we can find out how well you can sing 'em. While under oath. > And that commonsense things such as making sci > hierarchy disjoint from the alt hierarchy may materialize. And exactly which Federal court controls sci.* and which controls alt.*, and what the heck does "disjointing" them mean in Earth language? -- K. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired heavy metal band name #12: "SEARCHENGINEBOMBING DEFINED" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,sci.edu,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Calling of Phoenix, Sam, Kibo, MacGiggle as witnesses Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 21:54:06 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.usenet.kooks In misc.legal and sci.edu, intelligent and sane person Wesley Serra (wserra@panix.com) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > Wesley Serra (wserra@panix.com) wrote: > > > > > > In a civil proceeding - or criminal proceeding, > > > if you are financially able - if you call a witness, you have to pay > > > his/her expenses. Of course, no judge will ever let you "drag [witnesses] > > > from one law court to another" even if you were Donald Trump. However, I > > > think you should start adding up air fares and hotel rates for bringing > > > folks from all over the country. > > > > Let me teach you something, although you sound too closed-minded to > > listen. A lesson I learned after I got out of college and has helped my > > life and career immensely [...] > > And it involves an art, a skill and I think I am an expert at it. It > > is the skill of "acting dumb" to get ahead of an adversary. > > All this time you have just been *acting* dumb! Man, you sure do it well. > Clearly a natural talent. I'd do all I could to develop it. You know, > things like bang your head against walls several times a day. Curse out > Mike Tyson. You're good enough that you may be able to act dumber than > anyone ever has before. History is within your grasp. Within his grasp, assuming he's smart enough to have a Moro reflex. > > I suspect that my lawsuit will be the pioneering case that defines > > better the practice of (1) improper use of a private citizens name on > > Internet (2) stalking (3) searchenginebombing > > And *I* suspect that your "lawsuit" will be (choose one): (1) Dismissed > with prejudice and costs as soon as a judge reads the complaint. (2) > Dismissed with prejudice and costs as soon as a judge reads the complaint > and finishes laughing his/her head off. (3) Dismissed with prejudice and > costs as soon as a judge finishes reading the complaint, laughing his/her > head off, and passing it around to other judges to share the general > mirth. Personally, I think "lawsuit" is the wrong term. Let's be specific: A wacky letter printed in gold Vivaldi letters sent from a nonexistent foundation complaining that parties unspecified are engaging in practices referred to only in terminology invented by the nonexistent plaintiff. I think this is the opposite of a lawsuit and propse we call it something else, preferably something the opposite of "law" and "suit", such as "illegal nudity". > > Sysadmin have gained too much (especially when they band together) > > police power of the Internet. > > When you take over, podiatrists will run things. THEY WILL MAKE THE FEET RUN ON TIME!!! > > I will find the Federal Court that suits me, and then call as > > defendants all of those that have vigilante style attacked via > > stalking, searchenginebombing, slander etc. > > You act as though choosing a court is like entering a bakery and picking > out the cake you want. Ever hear of things called "jurisdiction" and > "venue"? You ought to look into them. (Mental image: Archie opens a large box marked "JURISDICTION" -- with a backwards "S" drawn in crayon -- and sticks his head inside. A cream pie hits him in the face. Archie: "WAAH! THE CREAM PIE OF SANE JURISPRUDENCE!") -- K. Hey, he gets into imaginary fistfights, so I'm allowed to throw imaginary pies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: christmas present Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 01:56:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Ant of Truism" wrote: > > Dear kibo clause, WILL KIBO KLAUS CAPTURE THE CLEVER CAPED CRUSADER? OR WILL KIBO KLAUS'S CRUDDY CONNIVING LEAD TO A CRAPPY CAPER? DO NOT TUNE IN NEXT TIME! DO NOT TUNE IN BEFORE CHRISTMAS! WORD! > All I want for Christmas is a kibo troll. Great, more jokes about my enormous purple hair. I CAN'T HELP IT IF I SUFFER FROM A GIANT BOUFFANT, BECAUSE CONAN O'BRIEN IS MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER! AND I CAN'T HELP IT IF IT'S PURPLE BECAUSE I FELL INTO A GIANT VAT OF SUPER-CONCENTRATED GRAPE JUICE WHEN BATMAN BLEW UP MY EVIL GRAPE SKIN FACTORY! STOP LAUGHING AT MY CLOWN HAIR! > Or maybe, to be on the brown list. Well, then, you should have made your post AFTER my reply, not BEFORE! Now I'm off to steal the world's largest glass diamond! -- K., super-villain I like how the camera gets cockeyed whenever I'm around. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Froggy's Kibology Page Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 08:23:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Aaron A. (DoctorAaron@webtv.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Syadoz" (meanmeso@roanoke.infi.net) wrote: > > > > > > You must have a really high IQ plus ESP. > > > > But my IQ plus ESP is even higher. My IQ plus > > ESP totals 1700 and that's before adding in my > > 2400 on the Chemistry SAT! That makes me a > > DOUBLE GENIUS! > > Yeah, but my IQ and ESP are on a Triple Word Score, so I'm a TRIPLE > BINARY SUPER-GENIUS!!1!! But your ISP plus your EQ equal a WebTV with no bass, so you've just HIT A WHAMMY!!! (zonk noise. A cartoon devil comes in and makes all of Aaron's brain cells into little sausages at six frames a second.) We'll be right back after this infinitely long commercial. -- K. You can sue me if I'm lying. But not about the above sentence. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Future of the Internet; present problems and future solutions Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:22:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Let us suppose that the above lawsuit materializes and I have the > permission of the US govt to sue them. While we're on the subject of science fiction, HEY ARCH, DON'T FORGET TO GET THE PRESIDENT'S SIGNATURE IN WRITING, AND MAKE HIM SHOW YOU TWO FORMS OF I.D. LIKE THAT LITTLE KID DID TO BUSH. I AM NOT IMPLYING YOU ARE AS SMART AS THAT LITTLE KID. > And so I prepare for trial, and let us be optimistic that it lasts for > only 2 years. Archimedes Plutonium would have to ride his bicycle from Dartmouth to the Supreme Court every day for two years, and might develop leg muscles big enough to see! > My entire lawsuit would probably be antiquated before finished. I think you can generalize that to your entire internal landscape. > The reason I say that is > because everyday the Internet is becoming more and more commercialized > and that is telescoping into a Telephone supra-structure. THE INTERNET IS TELESCOPING!!! RUN!!! AAAIIIIEEE!!! I'M BEING CRUSHED IN ALT.SCI.PHYSCS.PLTNM!!! > Many of the ills and evils of present day Internet such as > searchenginebombing, emailbombing, unsolicited email ads, forging of > names to subscription lists, stalking, and even the quoting of long > posts just to add a sentence. I agree, nobody should be allowed to add ANYTHING to your posts. > Almost all of that can be eliminated with > one sweeping new change. A fee of say 10 cents per post or 50 cents per > post or to match what a letter postage stamp costs which will be 33 > cents come January 1999. Arch, once again, have you realized that it's not 33 cents everwhere the Internet goes? Like, you know, at that Canadian University you're trying to sue? > I suspect that many foreign countries already impose fees for each > post made. In the US a flat montly fee to an ISP does not stop persons > from making frivolous and often stalking posts. BUT CHARGING PEOPLE AN EXTRA TEN SECONDS WOULD MAKE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAD AT LEAST TEN CENTS IN THE BANK ABLE TO CALL ARCHIE AN IDIOT! I like it. I am setting aside a whole dollar as the budget for my next post. > [...] > So, if I breeze along and take NASA to court, Be sure to mention, when you file your legally-worded complaint, that you are breezing. "Your honor, there is a breeze coming from the plaintiff." > I may be outpaced in the race for reform of Internet even on your bicycle? > for the commercialization changes would drastically change aspects > such as searchenginebombing or stalking etc. So that's ten cents per person you stalk? Is Jodie Foster the same price as, say, Claudia Christian? Is there a group discount? -- K. Can you get together with three other guys and time-share a celebrity in eight-hour shifts? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Gary's "Titanic" Memory Lapses Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 11 Dec 1998 01:48:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In some incomprehensible flamewar in misc.writing.screenplays, Saivan Lujan (afn63076@afn.org) wrote: > > [...stuff elided re the Titanic and/or millennial panic, I'm not sure...] > > No, common people had no idea. I think they didn't pay much > attention to Dick Clark, back then (he was pretty young at the time). And > there is no historical account of any panicking. You know, someday I'm going to win the Nobel Prize For .Signature Quotes for my discovery that anything becomes wacky when removed from context. The quote above is up for grabs, hurry up and shove it into your .signature before anyone else does! -- K. Dick Clark is the star of my favorite Gary Larson cartoon. He's like Bob Hope only not universally beloved so it's okay for me to like him. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I feel dirty. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 07:13:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Apparently in respons