Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: A recruitment drive for alt.tech-support.recovery. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:36:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, here's what we need to do for alt.tech-support.recovery. #1. Find someone who will admit to being in the WebTV tech support phone pool. #2. Get him or her to start posting True Bozo Stories to a.t-s.r. #3. BY CHRISTMAS AFTERNOON. -- K. "I threw away my TV because now I have a WebTV, why can't I see my stories?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Augh! Commercials are trying to make me stupid! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 10:17:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In a recent thread, I wrote: > There's a TV commercial > which annoys me greatly with a jingle which includes the lyric: > > "Charlie works in cyberspace, backslash-dot-com all day long..." > > And then there's the one showing off the lame attempts to make haircuts > at Supercuts, including "The I don't want to look like a geek-dot-com." > Which, incidentally, makes the guy look like a ROYAL DOUBLE GEEK. Now Sun (the people who are in charge of setting the Java standard to something that Microsoft won't adhere to) have a new commercial which ends with: "We're the DOT in DOT COM. What can we DOT COM for you?" What the sil? -- K. They're the doot in doot com. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.toys.virtual-pets,alt.religion.kibology,alt.toys.my-little-pony From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dire Warning: Furby, Your Fun Pal Of DEATH!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 07:17:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I have horrible, urgent news for everyone. I was recently checking all my home appliances for compatibility with the "Year 2000 Bug" by setting the clocks on my TV, VCR, microwave oven, etc. ahead to the distant future, the year 2000. None of my appliances blew up or melted down, but -- because my Furby's infrared sensor was pointed at my VCR's remote control port, when I set my VCR to the year 2000, my Furby did something very frightening! It spun around, said a dirty word, and then made a very high-pitched noise which was at the approximate resonant frequency of the human head (0.440 kilocycles per second.) Fortunately I was protected because I was wearing my Walkman at the time! If I had been just an ordinary schmo, that high-pitched signal would have made my head explode! Heaven only knows why! Taking apart the Furby proved my theory: The Furby is filled with extra gears which are not connected to anything! These are for activating its secret powers in the Year 2000! If you do not have a Furby, do not buy one, let the other bozos buy them all. If you do have a Furby, protect yourself by keeping it in a soundproof isolation booth. And, whether or not you already own one of the little monsters, always wear a Walkman at all times in case you are near a Furby when one activates in the terribly near future year 2000. IF YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME AND FURBY MAKES YOUR HEAD EXPLODE DON'T COME CRYING TO ME. Other than that, I love Furby! -- K. Bye, and have a "happy dot-com"! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dire Warning: Furby, Your Fun Pal Of DEATH!!!! Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 22:02:05 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Leah Verre (fleabite@duh.seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Bye, and have a "happy dot-com"! > > Kibo, if you keep using that sig line, I'm going to kick you in the butt > dot-com. I am going to keep using it forever and ever, and the only thing that could ever convince me to stop saying this wonderful phrase would be if everyone else in the world adopted it so that it became less hip. -- K. HAVE A HAPPY DOT !!!! AND A MERRY COM !!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.writing.screenplays,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dracula 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 07:20:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.writing.screenplays, the author of "Dracula: 1999", Jervis Dedalus (jervis_dedalus@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > [...ranting...] > > Go to church you little bastard and find out the meaning of this: "Do unto > others as you would have them do unto you." Morally stupid little fuck. Get > some God in you, punk. > > [...more ranting, swearing, teeth-grinding, and hair-pulling...] I useta have some God in me but then I drank too much iced tea and I peed all my God away, sorry. Also in misc.writing.screenplays, Jeremy Kareken (karekenj@IDT.NET) wrote: > > Subject: Dracula 1999 Screenwriting Contest > > Rules: Taking characters, concepts, and/or direct quotations from the > major magnum opus of "Jervis_Dedalus" and re-writing them into a parody of > the already talent-free piece displayed on this forum. > > You must use the title "Dracula 1999 - Part [number]" in your subject > header. Okay, this is part 1 of 1 of my masterpiece, DRACULA: 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 > It must be understood that this work is done in parody. Actually my work is done in an apartment. > You are not required to read more than one page of Mr. "Dedalus'" work. > I'm not cruel. Can I get an exemption? I've already read all 410 pages of "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One From The Years Of Neon Through Iodine", which was written by Archimedes Plutonium under his nom de plume. Ssh, don't tell anyone I know Ludwig Plutonium's secret identity. It's as closely-guarded a secret as Paul French's real name! > Prize: $3.95 for the most savage parody. Out of my own pocket. The > administrator of this contest reserves the right to find his own work the > most savage. So be forewarned. He thinks highly of himself. Don't waste > our time like "Dedalus" has. Parody, savage, pocket, cheapskate, check. > Note: The entrants involved in this contest are parody, in accordance with > the 1961 Report of the Register of U.S. Copyright Law, which holds as fair > use: "use in a parody of some of the content of the work parodied." Mine's even BETTER than that because mine has NOTHING to do with "Dracula: 1999" because mine's GOOD! > Yours etc, > /\ > | | > _\/ /\ /_ /\ ____ > / / \_\/_/ /__\/__/ / /__/__/ > \/ / > ---/ Dear &ohomij, Attached below please find one kick-ass-ing movie! DRACULA: 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 THE MOST SAVAGE CONCEPT: A GAME OF DANGEROUSNESS -- A MOTION PICTURE EXPERIENCE FADE IN. (Jervimedes Molybdenum is sitting on the toilet.) JERVIMEDES (flailing his arms) Whoa! Whoa! Whew! I almost fell off! (He grabs at the roll of toilet paper to steady himself. As it begins to unroll we see, in EXTREME, NAUSEATING CLOSE-UP, that a tiny movie script is printed on it.) JERVIMEDES Hey, what does this say? I will read it to myself now! "DRACULA: NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE REPETEND NINE! THE MOST SAVAGE CONCEPT: A GAME OF DANGEROUSNESS -- A MOTION PICTURE EXPERIENCE!" Gosh! I am reading a script! I wonder why it is supposed to be so savage. Well now I shall forseek to read it from the part where I stopped reading just now. "FADE IN. Jervimedes Molybdenum is sitting on the toilet. Suddenly, a copy of the script for "DRACULA: NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE REPETEND NINE jumps off a roll of toilet paper and bites his face off!" Hey, I think that's a swell idea for a new -- GAAAAAH!!! (He screams as the script jumps onto his face and makes "MUNCH MUNCH" noises, dubbed by Frank Welker. SWISH-PAN to ROD SERLING, who is standing in front of a sign which says "MENTAL HOSPITAL THIS WAY -->" pointed into his right ear.) ROD SERLING The moral of tonight's episode: A toilet can be a very high place from which to fall when you are a character in your own story. But that's the way the cookie crumbles and the crumbs have been flushed into the vast swirling waters of The Toilet Zone. SLOW, LAME FADE-OUT. BURN ONLY EXISTING PRINT BEFORE RELEASE. DENY, DENY, DENY. -- K. If it says DENNY'S DENNY'S DENNY'S on the LABEL LABEL LABEL you'll get food poisoning at the TABLE TABLE TABLE... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.games.board,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "lubricating" plastic game pieces? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:29:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In rec.games.board and alt.religion.kibology, Mike Schneidr (mike1@winternet.com) wrote: > > [...] Just squirt powder over the thing and shove it into the cracks, > rotate it around liberally, and blow the excess off. POOR SPOT! All he was trying to do was to get his "Mousetrap" game to function correctly more than 15% of the time, and not make any wacky noises, and suddenly he found himself in a relationship with Monica Lewinsky, Madonna, and Jack Benny at the same time. Spot cried! Then the giant mouse cage fell on him. The giant mouse laughed cruelly, blowing Spanish Fly powder into Spot's face. -- K. DID I MENTION I RECENTLY HAD THE FLU? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A further explanation Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 09:20:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com ) wrote: > > > > P.S. Other Utah news: They spilled a lot of liquid hydrogen by my > > house. But I'm ok. YOU GOT YOUR LIQUID HYDROGEN IN MY PEANUT BUTTER!!! Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > For some reason this reminds me of a holiday classic: > > We three kings of Orient are > Tried to smoke a rubber cigar > It was loaded and exploded > Now we're on yonder star That was performed by the dynamic duo of Shatner & Nimoy in the episode titled "Plato's Retarded Little Brother" by Shari Lewis and Walter Koenig, right? The episode ends with Kirk saying to Ensign Lupus, "Set course... YONDER, BOY!!!" That was back before Gene Roddenberry said you had to have reached puberty or be as tall as the sign to fly the Enterprise, which is why they fired Walter Koenig and he took up writing and cranked out masterpieces such as "Buck Alice And The Actor Robot In The 25th Century" and "Chekov: A Terrible Aspect". Oh dear, I think Matt needs to explain all that. > I am NOT going to say anything else about loads and rubber cigars. I think that instead of making toddlers wear rubber pants they should just be made to live in rubber houses than can be hosed down by the Government. Can you tell I have the flu? I can't say things like that well. Well, I can't say well that well when I am well. > Anyway, you should have saved the hydrogen and started your own space > program, like in that show with Andy Griffith, only you would have needed > Mono-Hydrazine. Not to mention some of that opaque green motor oil which comes out of garbage subjected to your secret bacteria. > And you would have to use the Trans-Linear Vector System > which is much smarter than the dumb old physics they use at NASA. Because NASA was founded in 1958 and they just coasted all the way to the present day, but the TLVS keeps accelerating all the way to the Moon until the moment of landing, so you come down so hard you don't bounce!!! > I know all about space 'cause my moon car won an honorable mention > on Pixeltime. As the little floating head from the Atari 2600 version of Racter says: --> THE ASTRONAUT MOON CAR WINS AN HONORABLE MENTION! --> mmcirvin@world.std.com, YOU HAVE TRUE TALENT AND A CLASSY, FUTURISTIC --> VISION! VERILY, I WISH WE LIVED IN A WORLD OF YOUR DEVISING! I note that Matt was attempting to draw a photo-realistic version of a 1970-era lunar rover, like the one that Dave Foley used to run over his camera before he quit the Kids In The Hall and joined Mr. Show because the Kids In The Hall weren't open to the idea of the cast members all being married. To each other. So anyway, I think the little Pez dispenser head was being sarcastic. Or, to be more precise, carsastic. Matt, I'm going to CC: this to Mike Jittlov so that you can explain all this to him, and to point out that you can beat him at both Battle-Girl and Pixeltime. -- K. I hated it when Bill Cosby would sing the Pixeltime theme song because it meant that the next segment of "Captain Kangaroo" would be that guy in the pink leotard who was supposed to be inside-out, and his rectum came out just above his crotch... in front. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A further explanation Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:23:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I hated it when Bill Cosby would sing the Pixeltime theme song > > because it meant that the next segment of "Captain Kangaroo" would > > be that guy in the pink leotard who was supposed to be inside-out, > > and his rectum came out just above his crotch... in front. > > > Those who love the law or Slim Goodbody should not watch either being made. I liked the "Star Trek" episode where Spock hijacked the Enterprise (after giving all 430 crew members the Vulcan Nerve Pinch at the same time) so he could take his former captain, Christopher Reeve, to that planet where the Talosians tried to breed Spock with Slim Goodbody, but they couldn't because when Slim Goodbody's ship crashed there, THEY HAD NO GUIDE FOR PUTTING HIM BACK TOGETHER EXCEPT HIS RETARDED LEOTARD! Then Spock asked the computer to compute all the digits of pi and Majel Barrett read them all aloud in her Dalek voice. Then she read them again and yelled, "PATTERNS ARE!!! -- IDENTICAL!!! -- IDENTICAL!!!" and Spock put his fingers on Slim Goodbody's external kidney to do a Vulcan Kidney Meld, followed by the Vulcan Jell-O Mold, which is a form of penicillin, which made Slim Goodbody cry because HE HAD NO PENIC!!! Oh, yeah, also there were all these cutaway inserts of Kirk screaming like a girl but he wasn't actually in the episode otherwise, because they had already used up their Dopiness Budget. -- K. I WILL NOT RATION MY DOPINESS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A further explanation Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 05:07:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > Ok, so everyone probably knows the First Theorom of Mediocrity. > Namely, that the most mediocre mass culture is always the most > popular. Hence MicroSoft! Hence McDonalds! If the Spice Girls were > as bad as I say they are, nobody would like them. But if they got any > better, people wouldn't like them either [...] > > After looking at that solid data I just made up, I'm sure you're > massively convinced. And now...THE SECOND THEOREM OF MEDIOCRITY! > > PEOPLE AGREE ABOUT THE MEDIOCRITY OF MEDIOCRE POP CULTURE. REALLY > CRAPPY OR REALLY WONDERFUL POP CULTURE GETS MIXED REVIEWS. > > [...] > > Actually, Kibo had a better theory of pop culture. It was about how > the crappier something is, the more its fans are devoted to it. The > search "people like something seaquest orgasm" should have found that > post, but it didn't, so I guess I have some growing up to do. Hey, I never said I LIKED SOMETHING SEAQUEST ORGASM!!! I can't find that article either, but it was basically that observation -- the fewer people who like a given piece of crap, the more vociferously they'll like it. Look at "seaQuest" or "Blakes7". Of course, that theory doesn't explain "Titanic", but that's made up by the fact that it explains this: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: TheWraith@mindless.com Subject: Small Wonder: bum raps for a good show Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.05 (Macintosh; U; PPC) Date: Mon, 22 Jun 1998 22:25:44 GMT First off, Small Wonder had a live mixed adult studio audience not any laugh track. . . You know, you can knock this show all ya want but the fact is (Sci-Fi Channel's) remains that more sci-fi fans watched it than Earth-2 and ALF and it's one of the more memorable shows fromthe eighties. Sure. I'm a Vicki fan (I'm also a deep ER and NYPD Blue fan too) and like lots of sci-fi fans coming out of the closet to admit they watched Small Wonder I mas disappointed that they didn't seriously follow through with the great sci-fi potential that the show's unique premise had. In that point it was usually pretty juvenile, I agree, but that didn't make it bad or the least thought provoking at times. It's a very hard sci-fi concept to do. In fact there's very few sci-fi books into the ramifications of domestic androids in the house and affecting a family even though every indicator says they'll be in there when the technology happens. Small Wonder at least tried to pose the question of what it'd be like. If you read the stuff in the Small Wonder home page you'll see how lots of top sci-fi writers on the Small Wonder moved on The Twilight Zone and Amazing Stories and ST:TNG and how some of Commander Data's technical terms come from Small Wonder.For all it's faults I'm glad Small Wonder happened because maybe someone will try it again and do it right this time. You don't have be an Einstein to knom it's a very tough show to do and most actor or actress playing robots risk being stereotyped out of a career just like Tiffany Brissette was, and she was listed as a Variety mag hot new child talent, and that's also why Robert Foxworth and Julie Newmar had misgivings of starring as robots too. The Wraith -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// And let's not forget that this knowledge can, nay, MUST, be harnessed for evil purposes! From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: SOS (Save Our seaQuest) Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest, alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 20 Oct 1997 04:29:26 GMT Mike Lee wrote: > > I think that NBC should bring back seaQuest or Sci-Fi should make > seaQuest 7 times a week!!! How about everyone that reads this boycott > NBC and force them to bring back seaQuest!!! I think that it was stupid > of NBC to give up on them!!! Everyone keep this thread going and spread > the word of this!!! Keep this going until they bring back seaQuest!!! > I would like to see some new episodes too!! Well that does it!!! Nobody posted to this thread for a whole day!!! Now it's hopeless, seaQuest will never get back on the air ever again!!! I hope you people in alt.tv.seaquest are happy!!! You killed seaQuest forever!!! It's a shame the people in alt.tv.seaquest don't care about seaQuest as much as I do!!! -- K. P.S. Besides if they brought it back it would screw up my "Save Small Wonder" campaign!!! Also keep posting until they put Bergess Meredith back on TV!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A plea Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 09:05:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Dear Christmas, > > Please stop. > > Thanks. Dear Christmas, I apologize for my little sister Leah tinkling all over you last year. But that didn't mean it was okay for you put a rapidly rotating black hole in her stocking last year either. Please give her back her arms or at least make them re-emerge into normal space before the year 15,000. Also Spot says he wants to thank you for giving him a gift-wrapped wedgie. The End. Your Only Pal, Kibo. P. S. Are two letters of the alphabet. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 08:45:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In an article posted at radix.net, "Not Leah Verre" wrote: > > Leah Verre (fleabite@duh.seanet.com) wrote: > > > > PLEZ ADD ME 2 THE LISZT. > > Dear Ms. Leah: > > [...] > > Also, someone with a six-figure > book deal from Disney asked me for my > phone number. Do I give it to her? And > if so, how do I explain Kibo to a real > grown-up? Kibo is like Disneyland all rolled up into a little ball and jammed in between the hemispheres of your brain with a side order of cilantro-flavored cotton candy. > Please advise. > > Yours, > > Durian Deuterium I really liked it when you put Jane Fonda inside that giant butt harp and then John Thomas Legal-Law carried her away and said "an angel has no memory!" while she stuck her Colt .45 in his diaper. ANY SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE WITH PEOPLE WEARING DIAPERS IN THE FUTURE IS PROPHETIC BECAUSE SOMEDAY SOON WE WILL ALL BE OLD ENOUGH THAT WE'LL BE REQUIRED BY LAW TO WEAR DIAPERS!!! -- K. a.k.a Yrettub Ytterbium ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:15:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@duh.seanet.com) wrote: > > Mumthra (some person at radix.net) wrote: > > > > I would like to file an insurance claim for Dog Fart Damage. > > > > Dammit. > > PLEZ ADD ME 2 THE LISZT. > > For Pootative damages. Hey! Why are all you people doing doodie-doo humor here and now? I NEVER DO DOODIE-DOO HUMOR!!! > Because, not only do they not know or not care that it's not bacon, they > don't know or care when it happens to be sawdust, tanning lotion, bars of > soap, durian, or goat testicles. > All of which, after traveling through the canine intestinal maze, are reborn > again in the form of HORRIFYING emissions. SCIENCE FICTION THEATRE a LEMPEL-WELCH production tonight's episode: THE SOUND OF SMELL -- or -- EMISSION: HORRIFYING MUSIC: VERY LOUD TRUMPET FANFARE (CAMERA PANS ACROSS a science lab which looks like it has been colorized but it actually is those colors which are all tints of gray that bleed onto each other. An oscilloscope is displaying a straight line, and a salad colander with the holes in a "Star of David" pattern is revolving as it stands on a Fisher-Price Close'N'Play record player as a hand coming from beneath the laboratory bench holds down the secret button that fools it into thinking it's closed. The colander is filled with ball-and-stick molecular models which are connected all wrong, with a cardboard Tinkertoy flag attached.) CUT TO: TRUMAN BRADLEY Good evening, ladies and (SPLICE) something interesting over at my laboratory table. (JUMP-CUT to TRUMAN standing on the laboratory table. He points to a cardboard box with air holes painted on it.) TRUMAN BRADLEY One day there will be a new breed of laboratory scientist. The humble household dog. And in addition to dogs, the Man Of Science will be joined by Wo-Man. Yes, one day in the near future women will be allowed to work in science labs alongside men, as their secretaries. Tonight's story is a far-out tale of one woman who practices science in the privacy of her own dog. Tonight we will meet Miss Leah Verre, who is at this moment feeding her dog everything in the world in alphabetical order to check how his farts smell under all possible circumstances. But first, let's cancel this series. ANNOUNCER (voice-over) Because women are not yet allowed to be shown practicing science on TV, "Science Fiction Theatre" has been cancelled. Instead please watch this test pattern. TEST PATTERN Dooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee................. MUSIC: VERY LOUD TRUMPET FANFARE THAT COMPLETELY DROWNS OUT THE TEST PATTERN NOISE. SOMEWHERE A DOG HOWLS, THEN FARTS. IT SMELLS LIKE LEMON. THE END. > -Llllll > Thank heavens rabbits don't poot. They just doot. Dogs don't doot because Donny Don't does doot where dogs don't. Also I think if Little Billy was an incontinent rabbit it wouldn't make any difference in those "Family Circus" strips where he leaves a dooted trail. -- K. I ALREADY SAID, I'M SICK THIS WEEK!!! P.S. Anyone else old enough to remember the original Tinkertoys which had the dowel rods, the wooden nodes, and a heaping portion of GREEN CARDBOARD TRAPEZOIDS that served no conceivable purpose? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 04:04:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. Anyone else old enough to remember the original Tinkertoys which > > had the dowel rods, the wooden nodes, and a heaping portion of > > GREEN CARDBOARD TRAPEZOIDS that served no conceivable purpose? > > Since I am older than everybody, I guess it is up to me to remember > that those gREEN tRAPEZOID pieces of cardboard fit into the slots at the > ends of the 1/4-inch dowels that fit, 8 at a time, into the larger > cylinder with a 5/16" thru hole so it would spin on another dowel and be > a real windmill! You could twist the dowels to get a good pitch and > that sucker would spin pretty fast out in the wind. The only problem with that theory, of course, is that everyone knows that the parts joined by means of FRICTION-FITTING, which means it would be impossible for the thing to spin without it STARTING A BOY SCOUT FIRE THE HARD WAY, and we know that that is IMPOSSIBLE!!! > Until one day I got the idea to take it along in the back seat of our > '37 Chevvy and opened the rear window. The 50-mph blast caused the > windmill to spin so fast that I learned about the mythical centrifugal > force concept as pieces of Tinkertoy shrapnelized the upholstery. > Several pieces were still in that car when we traded it in for a > brand-new 1942 model. Well, that's what you get for living in the olden days. Now you could just take your Tinkertoys on a high-speed electric bus and stick them out the window while you're getting beaten up for playing with Tinkertoys. -- K. Spot's not allowed to play with Tinkertoys, he has to use Stinkertoys. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 22:09:08 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.superfluous.com) wrote: > > [re elderly Tinkertoys of the fifties] > > Mine had the tin screw-on top in the cardboard tube which we hid the > kitty in when Ma wasn't around. Big deal. We hid Ma in ours when the kitty WAS around. Also, I don't like the new Tinkertoy packages with the pull-tab top where you can't even save up the pull tabs to get a free dialysis machine to use on your kitty!!! -- K. I tried to redeem all my pull-tabs at Mohegan Sun but they just laughed at me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 08:59:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote a story which I snipped. > But I left this bit here: > > > > MUSIC: VERY LOUD TRUMPET FANFARE THAT COMPLETELY DROWNS OUT THE TEST > > PATTERN NOISE. SOMEWHERE A DOG HOWLS, THEN FARTS. IT SMELLS LIKE LEMON. > > OH YEAH RIGHT! > Find me a dog that poots lemon. Easy. Just turn Dennis Miller into a dog. DIFFICULTY OF THIS REFERENCE: 584.00 -- OVER ONE TO THE FOURTH POWER TIMES THE McIRVIN LIMIT! It's filed next to "the Vibratory Synod". -- K. P.S. "TV Guide" has resumed printing letters from readers, yay. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 08:44:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor E Teflon Piano (rgriffiths@ubmail.ubalt.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. Anyone else old enough to remember the original Tinkertoys which > > had the dowel rods, the wooden nodes, and a heaping portion of > > GREEN CARDBOARD TRAPEZOIDS that served no conceivable purpose? > > And came in a screw-top cardboard tube with a tin screw-top, which made > an excellent Ricky Ricardo drum after the entertainment possibilities of > the contents of the drum were exhausted, ie. about two seconds after you > realized that it was going to take more effort than it was worth to make a > working copy of the Windmill with green fins pictured on the container; Yeah, except that it always sent flakes of rusted-off chrome plating flying up into your eyes. Remember the olden days when things were ACTUALLY chrome-plated? (I have a neat RenderMan shader that can animate flaking chrome plating provided you move your object through the time dimension.) Wait -- are you saying that in your childhood you were Little Ricky, or worse, Desi Arnaz Junior? YOU'RE THE WORLD'S FIRST TRULY OPEN-MOUTHED MAN! > which reminds us, the Quaker Oats people have got a lot to answer for by > screwing up the Quaker Oats drum by putting a rolled edge in the bottom > seam to support a loosely-fitting concave bottom, instead of a > molded-and-glued bottom. When QO revised the container recently, it went > from a molded cardboard overfitting-top to an all-plastic inset lid, which > was actually acoustically superior to the old all-cardboard container. > Then some bean-counter started fooling around and made the top lid > *composite* -- plastic rim with cardboard interior panel. And that Damned > rolled-edge bottom seam. I like the new kind that come in the little Tyvek envelopes with the dinosaur eggs made out of brown sugar and/or bacteria which dissolve when you add lukewarm water to reveal tiny pink blobs that could be dinosaurs except they're the wrong color, size, and shape, and don't look cool. > And don't get us started on Donald Duck orange juice cans. How about those faux Lucky Charms where all the marshmallows are these abstract scalene shapes to avoid a lawsuit (like the red hexagon where two sides are too long, and the swirly pentagon with a bump) and they never tell you what the hell God intended them to be? I remember the olden days when there were ONLY FOUR LUCKY CHARMS MARSHMALLOWS -- pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, AND NO BLUE DIAMONDS! NO PURPLE HORSESHOES! NO RED BALLOONS! NO SWIRLY WHALES! NO GREEN TREES! NO HATS WITH STARS INSIDE! AND ESPECIALLY NONE OF THESE "AROUND-THE-WORLD" MARSHMALLOWS THAT MAKE YOU SAY "MMM! I WANNA LICK THESE AROUND-THE-WORLD STYLE!" AND ALSO COUNT CHOCULA AND FRANKENBERRY HAD CIRCULAR CEREAL BITS AND MARSHMALLOWS SHAPED LIKE NORMAL MARSHMALLOWS, NOT LIKE THINGS!!! Also, Old El Paso now has an "Extra Mild" salsa. The color coding breaks down thusly: "HOT" red some jalape–os "MEDIUM" yellow almost no jalape–os "MILD" green no jalape–os "EXTRA MILD" blue no tomatoes ...and, just to annoy the marketers, at the Calumet Market, they have those new "FLAVOR-BLASTED" Pepperidge Farm Goldfish that come in a milk carton and not normal packaging because you can find them with the potato chips, according to the commercials, and yet the Calumet MUST BE CRAZY because they put them with the REGULAR GOLDFISH!!! And those are both across the aisle from the potato chips!!! THE WORLD'S GONE CRAZY I TELLS YA!!! -- K. I'm a space hippie AND a space viking! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: another Lucky thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:11:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > WAIT A MINUTE! > > > > Blue diamonds weren't part of the original Lucky Charms? > > of course not! > > you must not have watched commercials in the '60s. > > I INSIST THAT YOU CLIMB INSIDE THE '60s RIGHT NOW > AND WATCH COMMERCIALS, YOUNG MAN! Okay, if I may change the subject from TV commercials of a decade to TV commercials about a decade, let me just complain about another one I've been seeing all night every night for the past three months: "Here's the nineties way to trim a beard." (guy with scissors.) "The eighteen-nineties." (harpsichord waltz music played at half speed, just like everyone danced to all the time before Abraham Lincoln invented TV) (the guy wipes the fog off the mirror to reveal that he has a super-cool Brian Bosworth-style haircut and is using an electric razor. As the announce extols the virtues of this 1990s electric razor, the music changes to the "Real Rap Beat" that came out of Mattel's Rappin' Ken boom box.) Now... the music in that commercial... in both time zones... They could have paid ten bucks for a stock CD of 1890s music and bad rap music, but no, they had to hire someone to play a harpsichord with one finger and then hit the "SOFT RAP-STYLE FILL-IN" button on a Casio keyboard the size of a kazoo. The sort of rap-like beat they used was not unlike the electronic sunglasses for kids I once saw which had a rap beat with three buttons you could hit to make your child-size green eyeglasses say "RAP ME, BABY!" / "IT'S LIVE JIVE!" / "I'M A REAL COOL CAT!" Twenty-three skidoo! Now if you'll excuse me I've got to go back to my old-tymey sepia-tone underwater harpsichord waltz at half speed. -- K. The modern equivalent of "twenty-three skiddoo" is hereby declared to be "Have a happy dot-com!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:36:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, Old El Paso now has an "Extra Mild" salsa. The color coding breaks > > down thusly: > > > > "HOT" red some jalape–os > > "MEDIUM" yellow almost no jalape–os > > "MILD" green no jalape–os > > "EXTRA MILD" blue no tomatoes I just remembered that this (I think) is the brand that has the little jalape–o-shaped thermometer on the back to graphically demonstrate that there is no hot pepper in the "MILD" flavor, so I'm going to have to go look at a back of one of the blue jars to see if there's a red line hanging down from the bottom of the transparent glass pepper. > GOLDEN LID ... jalapeno contents accurate to within 5% > SILVERY LID ... jalapano contents accurate to within 10% > NO LID ... made of people Of course, given that the yellow lid kind contains 0.01% jalape–os, this means that a yellow lid with a silver stripe means it may contain as little as negative 9.99% jalape–os, which would taste just like saccharin -- "A BILLION TIMES SWEETER THAN SUGAR, SO SWEET THAT IT WOULD TASTE BITTER! BUY SACCHARIN NOW! ALWAYS PUT SACCHARIN IN YOUR EYES!" > By the way, any of you tried "Pure Cap" yet? It's being marketed > as "pure capsaicin extract plus some extender added", which is a > bozotic description, but it's supposed to be good at making > commercial "hot" sauces, hot. Hmm. You know where they get that? The habanero peppers at the Prudential Star Market. A habanero, the world's hottest pepper, is something on the order of 250,000 to 300,000 parts per million (!) capsaicin. So I bought one put on my rubber gloves and put barrier tape around the area and poured myself three glasses of chocolate milk arranged at strategic locations between me and anywhere I might go if I went insane, then I cut off a tiny piece of it and put it on my tongue. It tasted like a cubanelle, only milder. Sort of like a green bell pepper that had been sitting in the sun too long. STAR SELLS CASTRATED HABANEROS!!! The things had been sitting in the market so long that they had started to dissolve themselves -- some of the ones in the bottom of the bin had had their lower halves turn clear as the dead capsaicin killed them from autoerotic dysolvixia. Anyway, all the capsaicin was gone by the time I got there and bought the completely mild habanero. So I think it went into "Pure Cap". Either that or into that arthritis medicine they keep advertising on TV with "capsaicin P", which I suspect means that someone eats some spicy food and then pees on the pills. "P", the secret ingredient that can go from a single letter to bathroom humor in two point three seconds! > Paul Guertin > pg@sff.net P.S. Plz rmv th nly vwl frm yr ddrss. -- K. I think the colors of Froot Loops should mean the same thing they do on Old El Paso salsa lids. MMM, CAPSAICINNAMON SWIRL!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 04:01:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How about those faux Lucky Charms where all the marshmallows are these > > abstract scalene shapes to avoid a lawsuit (like the red hexagon where > > two sides are too long, and the swirly pentagon with a bump) and they > > never tell you what the hell God intended them to be? I remember the > > olden days when there were ONLY FOUR LUCKY CHARMS MARSHMALLOWS -- > > pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, AND NO BLUE > > DIAMONDS! NO PURPLE HORSESHOES! NO RED BALLOONS! NO SWIRLY WHALES! > > WAIT A MINUTE! > > Blue diamonds weren't part of the original Lucky Charms? Yes. They added them circa 1973. In fact, originally, it didn't have any marshmallows, just crackers. And Fruity Pebbles had real fruit in it, which was offset by the real pebbles. BTW, when Yucky Charms had only the pink/orange/yellow/green marshmallows, Post Fruity Pebbles, Trix, and Froot Loops only came in red/orange/yellow, no purple or green or blue. And Quisp came in that box they've started using again this spring. And so did Quake. AND AT THAT TIME QUAKE DIDN'T ALLOW PEOPLE FROM ID.COM TO HACK YOUR COMPUTER REMOTELY!!! > The first marshmallow I remember being added was the purple horseshoe, That was when I was in HIGH SCHOOL, you baby. I remember because they called an assembly to announce it! > back when kids cereal cartoons had cliffhangers and we had to guess > what the mystery shape was going to be at the same time we wondered > whether the Trix rabbit's plan would work next week.... > > I must have either stopped when they got to the swirly whales or > blocked them out of my mind like Vanilla Ice. Everyone wanted to > save the whales because of that star track movie. > > I haven't trusted cereal commercials since Grape Nuts. "Try it for > a week." Yeah, if my teeth hold out. And one of my favorite cereals > since I was a kid is Quaker Crunchy Corn Bran, in the yellow box. > There were no ads for it, it was surprisingly good, and it had "bran" > in the title so that means it's extra-healthy. But it tasted like UNSHAVED CARDBOARD. I think it's actually burlap bran. It is the world's worst cereal, and yes, I've had the original "Kaboom" and "King Vitaman" and even "Uncle Sam, The Laxative Cereal". Not to mention some Russian fake Froot Loops (which are all one flavor -- the same as Quaker Corn Bran, only sweetened with the Russian knockoff of Nutrasweet, "Alfasweet".) SO DON'T TRY TO HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT SUCKY CEREALS NOT SUCKING AROUND ME!!! I only bought it 'cause the sign said EXPORT CERIALS - MADE TO SELL FORLOT RUBBLES and because I don't know what Alfasweet is, but it's from Russia so it must be good to put into your body. Also, they were out of Post Fruity Rubble. > Though my favorite cereal most recently is the mega-fattening Reese's > cereal, which my parents tend not to buy anymore. And that's why > I want to move out soon. But then NOBODY will buy cereal for you. AND I BET THAT GUY ON THE QUAKER OATS BOX IS YOUR MOM!!!! You just missed a "Laverne & Shirley" episode where the plot was that her nerdy Trekkie friend started a disco band and they played disco music, the end! I did not leave the plot out, that WAS the plot. THE END!!! -- K. Also the kid on the Russian ceral box could be you, except that he could also be a girl. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:48:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But it [Quaker Corn Bran] tasted like UNSHAVED CARDBOARD. > > Dear Kibo: Open box before trying to eat cereal. Box? I got the cheap kind that comes in a bag! Well, not a bag, really. What do you call one of those things which is like a bag only open at all three ends and kind of gelatinous and filled with Corn Bran? > P.S.: Sorry I haven't been posting anything funny lately, but I > don't have the flu. Tell you what, I can rub some Corn Bran all over my face and mail it to you. MMM, NEW IMPROVED CORN BRAN WITH KIBO MICROBES! -- K. A virus isn't actually a microbe but "microbe" sounds funny, like in "Microbe Center" or "Mr. Microbephone". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:50:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wondered: > > > > What do you call one of those things which is like a bag only open at all > > three ends and kind of gelatinous and filled with Corn Bran? > > Nick Bensema's stomach. Well, then, I am *never* buying another one of those. -- K. By the way -- and we will *never* get tired of saying this -- HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:45:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) was boggled by Nick's assertion > that his favorite childhood cereal was Quaker Corn Bran: > > > > But it tasted like UNSHAVED CARDBOARD. I think it's actually > > burlap bran. It is the world's worst cereal, and yes, I've had > > the original "Kaboom" and "King Vitaman" and even "Uncle Sam, The > > Laxative Cereal". Not to mention some Russian fake Froot Loops > > It's definitely sweeter than unshaved cardboard. I guess it's > like durians, SOMEONE out there has to like it, and that someone is me. And, you know my pop-culture theory: The fewer people who think it tastes good, the more those people will like it. This explains the stories of people spending their life savings on their durian addictions in Singapore. And why you, an otherwise normal full-grown adult on the verge of graduating from high school, would like Quaker Corn Bran. However, it does not explain the one Pel-Freez Frozen Rabbit in the soggy cardboard box covered with six inches of frost whiskers in the back corner of every supermarket. > > You just missed a "Laverne & Shirley" episode where the plot was that > > her nerdy Trekkie friend started a disco band and they played disco music, > > the end! I did not leave the plot out, that WAS the plot. THE END!!! > > Oh, I get it. So Laverne and Shirley DIDN'T take place in the > fifties. Thanks for clearing that up. Have you met Lee Bumgarner? He has a new theory that there used to be a fifth Spice Girl who ALSO wore too much makeup. -- K. So does anyone like Flutie Flakes? THEY TASTE LIKE FOOTBALL!!! /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: AOL in my Chex cereal! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.cereal Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 18:14:09 GMT Lance Olkovick (lolkovic@sfu.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In [news.admin.net-abuse.usenet/email], chris@greenapple.com wrote: > > > > > > AOL has a rather interesting new marketing tool -I found a CD in > > > the box of Corn Chex that I purchased today! > > What were they thinking?! That could be dangerous! If I were you, I'd > swallow the CD whole, then I'd SUE THE BASTARDS! (AOL, that is; don't > sue General Mills, the makers of Chex, CDs, and other fine breakfast > products.) But first use a magic marker to color the edges of your stomach green to make it digest the CD faster. That's all those speedy new 2X CD-ROM players are... 1X ones with a GREEN MARKER ATTACHED TO THE SPINDLE! > > That's nothing. I found a Cheerio in the box of Super Golden Frosted CDs I > > was eating for dinner at midnight while watching NBC's "seaQuest DSV" > > today. > > Cheerios is also made by General Mills. Kibo should SUE THE BASTARDS! General Mills vs. General Electric vs. General Semantics in a no-holds-barred JELL-O WRESTLING MATCH, sponsored by ROYAL GELATIN! > (NBC, that is, for reckless indifference: if they were at all > sensitive to their viewer's needs they'd know that, since Kibo lost > his job, SeaQuest should be on twenty-four hours a day, not just at > midnight on weekdays.) I haven't lost it *yet*. They just gave me three months advance notice that I was being laid off to ensure that I would dedicate the remaining three months to working really hard. La la la la. I'm posting to Usenet. La la la la la la la. I need to announce the BIG SURPRISE PARTY (surprise to my office-mates, that is) here soon. > > > This is slick - the CD has their software plus 50 free hours of > > > usage. Included on the CD is a children's game called CHEX QUEST > > > (think DOOM for five-year-olds). You can kill the Flemoids and > > > have a healthy breakfast, too. > > > > It's only healthy if you spend your whole morning killing Flemoids so that > > you don't have time to eat the little Brillo bricks that Chex calls > > "cereal". > > Chex are fine as long as you put enough icing sugar on them -- at > least 1 tablespoon per Chek. Do NOT buy something called Ancient > Grains. It's made from grains that have not been used since the > beginning of the Neolithic -- and for good reason: Could be worse. Could be the Coprolithic. Could be the beginning of Beethoven's First Coprolithic Movement. > it tastes how I > imagine unsweetened flakes of particle board would taste, and it can Ah, Quaker Corn Bran. Not to mention their new Burlap Bran and Horse Hair Bran. > have very untoward effects on one's gastrointestinal tract. Believe > me, to eat Ancient Grains you pretty well need the ancient bowels that > our ancestors had. Brings a new meaning to the phrase "Serving size: 1 bowel". For those of us in Boston, how about candlepin boweling? That would be worse because the Ancient Grains would still scrape your intestinal lining off but also you'd never get a strike. > > Besides, I always thought Doom *was* for five-year-olds! > > > > > The game "contains technology licensed from ID Software", > > > according to the package, and Quest II is available free at > > > http://www.chexquest.com > > > > The pictures of the hero, "Chexster", are truly terrifying. > > Chexster is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, though it's hard to > recognize him in that costume. Yeah, but who plays Arnold? C. C. H. Pounder!!! > > Folks, *THIS* is the sort of picture the alt.religion.kibology anthologies > > need more of before they can be put to bed. > > > That web site is truly precious. I quote from the "Character Biographies" page: > > > THE INTERGALACTIC FEDERATION OF CEREALS (IFC) > > The Intergalactic Federation of Cereals (IFC) was created following the > > Cold (Cereal) Wars in the early part of the 2nd millenium. With the > > exception of occasional skirmishes along several deep space quadrants, > > peace and free trade has prevailed throughout the modern universe. > > Today the IFC is led by its Senior Cereal Council, which is responsible > > for security, planetoid grievances and astro-blobule warnings. > > There'll be hell to pay when the Klingons find out that the Federation > is now allied with an intergalactic cereal manufacturer. No, no, no. You were supposed to be Ted Frank and you were supposed to cross-post this to soc.org.fraternities and say the IFC was a bunch of losers who can't beat a five-year-old at Doom. > There'll also be hell to pay when General Mills reads Kibo's post. I > guess Kibo didn't read the > > ********************************************************************** > Legal Stuff > > In order to use this site, you must first agree to these ground rules. > > > General Mills laid out some hard cash to bring you this awesome site, > download an e-copy of the materials on any single computer for your > personal, non-commercial home use, but remember to keep the copyright > notice ((c)1996 General Mills). Modification of the materials on this > site or use of the materials for any other purpose is a violation of > ********************************************************************** Note that, in this encoding, a triple quote would be \666. He said, "She told me, 'Why did you say '''this is confoozling?''' ' " > Haw, haw. Kibo is in big trouble now. He posted sooper sekrit stuff > from General Mills' site. Haw, haw. Haw, haw.... D'OH! It's not SOOPER SEKRIT. It's SEEREUL SEKRIT. SOOPER SEKRIT would be the reason why all the little "T"s in the can of Campbell's Alphabet Soup get broken but the "H"s don't. Not even the GIANT Hs! Whereas, Alpha-Bits has a different letter distribution. As I told you all back around 1992. When the mouse was living in my stove. > > > And you all thought that the free AOL floppies were a thing of > > > the past......... > > > > Free? Some people bought a whole box of cereal just to get one! > > I just bought a dumpster-size box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes because it > had a 3D Batman flicker stuck to it. I haven't seen the latest Batman > movie and I don't particularly like the cereal box picture but, hey, > it's THREE DEE!!! If you had a third eye you could see in FOUR DEE. And if you had a Super Nintendo you could see TWO AND A HALF DEE, in which everything is an INFINITELY COMPLEX FRACTAL MOUNTAIN made of BURLAP BRAN! [Wesley's mom got sucked into her son's cereal vortex.] "Computer, what is the nature of the Universe?" "The Universe is an infinitely complex fractal mountain seventy-two meters in diameter, filled with burlap bran." "I SEE... TWO... DOTS!" > Here's a 3D representation of the *new* KIBO cereal: > (to see 3D, focus beyond the screen till the 2 crosses merge) > > > > + + > $ :) * * $ :) * * > K I B O K I B O > * :) $ * :) $ Matt McIrvin will now do a 3-D version of the Indent-O-Meter that measures your screen's depth of field. (After all, there has to be SOME reason I'm using RenderMan as a news reader.) > See how KIBO floats above the marshmallow stars, smilies, and dollar > signs? It's just like the real-life Kibo. Notice how KIBO is at the > same level as the cross: KIBO even has theological implications, just > like the summer blockbuster movie _Contact_. But unlike _Contact_, > KIBO doesn't get soggy in milk. We don't know if Contact gets soggy in milk. But we can infer this because it gets crispy in anti-milk. As Democritus of Alexandria said while looking at the ancient heavens... (Kibo turns into Carl Sagan and dies. Then he gets better.) That was a close call! (feels his head to make sure it's not butt-shaped.) I almost became Carl Sagan, noted astrologer! > -- > Lance (A close personal friend of Admiral Wheet) > > > CONTACT CONTACT > + + > . . . . > * * . * * . > * . * . > . * * . * * > . . . . > . * * . * * The only way to decode this message is to hold it so that all the dots and stars line up in a straight line. Then it will spell out "______________________", and Charles Nelson Reilly will say: "WEE-WEE... IN SPACE!" And then Gene Rayburn will laugh, and then that strange ridge across his forehead will have a thought, and he'll pick up a big bone and throw it into the air. And Slim Pickens will be riding on that bone, waving his hat and screaming "YEEEEEEEE-HAW! YEEEEEEEEE-HAW! I SEE TWO DOTS! I WET 'EM! WEEEEEEEEE-WEE!" And then every member of the audience will drop dead, and Stanley Kubrick will go to a long, narrow white plastic jail with geometric furniture and people who do not display facial expressions. -- K. Displaying a facial explosion. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 04:05:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor And now, ladies and gentlemen, I will reply to four replies to my post simultaneously in QUADRAPHONIC STUPIDITY! Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And, you know my pop-culture theory: > > > > The fewer people who think it tastes good, > > the more those people will like it. > > > > This explains the stories of people spending their life savings on their > > durian addictions in Singapore. And why you, an otherwise normal > > full-grown adult on the verge of graduating from high school, would > > like Quaker Corn Bran. > > College, dude. And in no way otherwise normal. You went to college without graduating from high school? Wow, the standards are really slipping there at Case Western. You should transfer to Simon Fraser, because they wrote my favorite Usenet newsreader. > Then why isn't there at least ONE Usenet kook out there who has > dedicated his life to searching the country for the few remaining > boxes of Urkel-O's? Hey! I am not a kook! And also I'm only searching the EASTERN United States to find the remaining boxes of Urkel-Os in the EAST, while in the WEST I'm looking for all the remaining copies of Manly Bannister's "Conquest Of Earth". And in the middle, I'm looking for an honest man with a WebTV and no brain damage. > > However, it does not explain the one Pel-Freez Frozen Rabbit in the > > soggy cardboard box covered with six inches of frost whiskers in the > > back corner of every supermarket. > > That's a monitoring device. It's the only explanation. It sends out a warning tone if someone who likes to eat cute bunnies picks it up, then releases a cloud of toxic gas. This is all it does. It is quite enough. Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just remembered that this (I think) is the brand that has the little > > jalape–o-shaped thermometer on the back to graphically demonstrate > > that there is no hot pepper in the "MILD" flavor, so I'm going to have > > to go look at a back of one of the blue jars to see if there's a red > > line hanging down from the bottom of the transparent glass pepper. > > Not everyone is so considerate, which is why I always carry a big > candy thermometer with me when I buy salsa, so as to avoid unpleasant > suprises. You're Richard Stallman, aren't you? I still say Simon Fraser writes better newsreaders than you. > Batteries too. I like to touch the batteries to my tongue and then touch the salsa to the battery and if touching the salsa to the battery hurts my tongue as much as touching the battery to my tongue did then I know that I don't need any salsa that day, and more importantly, that it's time to put down my axe and get out the gun. Brian Eable (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I just remembered that this (I think) is the brand that has the little > > > jalape–o-shaped thermometer on the back to graphically demonstrate > > > that there is no hot pepper in the "MILD" flavor, so I'm going to have > > > to go look at a back of one of the blue jars to see if there's a red > > > line hanging down from the bottom of the transparent glass pepper. > > > > Not everyone is so considerate, which is why I always carry a big > > candy thermometer with me when I buy salsa, so as to avoid unpleasant > > suprises. > > Where can I get one of them big candy-aB thermometers? Because > I go to the supermarket AND I CAN'T FIND ANY CHILIS ANYWHERE! > The closest I can get is Tabasco sauce (and the dumb supermarket > only has RED Tabasco, none of the yummy GREEN Tabasco); Chili > flavoured potato chips; or some "Ground Chili" in a small spice > jar. The "Ground Chili" isn't very scary, I shook some into > my hand and licked it off and didn't suffer any pain. What is > in "Kim-Chee Base"? It looks pretty red. Is that chili? > Maybe I should try paprika? GOLDURN IT! HOW CAN A WHOLE > COUNTRY NOT HAVE ANY CHILI IN IT? Probably something > to do with Pinochet. Where do you live, Taco Bellistan? Are you Mike Obidzynski? PLEASE DON'T SPILL YOUR MILD SALSA ALL OVER MY NICE CLEAN FLOOR MISTER GUY!!! > And what's going on with the price of rice in Japan? It costs > about 500 yen for a kilogram. Apparently, consumers don't like > to eat imported rice, they think that Japanese rice tastes > SO MUCH BETTER! So the Government is putting a 350 yen/kilogram > tariff on imported rice. THAT'LL MAKE THE DOMESTIC RICE TASTE > BETTER! It's the rice that tastes like a meal. would. if a meal could eat. I was at Sarku Japan (aka Sakkio Japan, aka Sakura Japan) today -- the "Japanese" place at the mall food court -- and now they have "hibachi rice", which costs forty cents extra because the white rice is white but this stuff is white rice that turned brown when they cooked it on the world's smallest hibachi so that it wouldn't fall through the slots. I haven't tried it but I know it tastes better than the regular rice because it costs extra and besides nobody at the mall was ordering it and mall customers are stupid so it must be good. > Also, I have heard that there is a vast rice mountain. HEY EVERYONE LET'S PLAY KING OF THE KILL ON THE VAST RICE MOUNTAIN! (Everyone in alt.religion.kibology runs over to the mountain where Kibo is, but he laughs and "splashes" rice on them.) HA HA NOW YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO GET MARRIED! TO EACH OTHER! AND AS KING OF THE VAST RICE MOUNTAIN HILL I SO DECREE IT! GO AWAY AND GET MARRIED BEFORE I DO SOMETHING MEAN!!! > So why don't they just lower the price to get rid of the rice > mountain? Drop the tariff on imported rice, and let THE > INVISIBLE HAND steer people away from imported rice towards > their preferred domestic rice? WHY DOES BEEF COST 10000yen > for a kilogram? But I shouldn't complain, soy sauce IS REALLY > CHEAP! AND NUTRITIOUS! I prefer the British term for "soy sauce", "seasoning". Or the American term, "browning agent". MMM! MAKES MY BROWNIES TASTE BROWNER!!! MY STOMACH IS FILLING WITH BROWNIAN MOTION! RICOCHET KIBO TO THE RESCUE! PING-PTANG-PERTWEE!! > > Batteries too. > > Yeah! Batteries too! Wasn't that the sequel to the lame movie "*batteries not included", "*batteries too"? They were originally going to call it "*batteries not included either", but they thought nobody would get that clever pun because their target audience couldn't read lowercase letters, so to plug the movie they just filmed these TV commercials where people in hats with earflaps in summer and "Mighty Ducks" t-shirts came out of the theater and said "YEAH! BATTERIES TOO! THIS MOVIE ROCKS! I SAW IT AND IT WAS THE COOLEST FREE MOVIE I EVER SAWED!" but they screwed up and showed the movie during a TV commercial break and showed the yelling morons in the theater, and nobody really noticed, except maybe Stephen Wright, whose "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again" joke wasn't included, so he had to tell it again, and then his head exploded, and a chili pepper came out, and they all hugged it, and Richard Stallman got into a fight with Simon Fraser and Mike Obidzynski and Ricochet Rabbit but nobody thought of filming that even though it had ten thousand times as much violence, humor, and yes, even romance than "*batteries too". "Syadoz" (meanmeso@roanoke.infi.net) wrote: > > I worked out for a while and got a real good appetite, so I cooked up a > mess of potstickers. "Eww! There's potstickers all over the kitchen ceiling! You clean up this mess right now, and next time you cook potstickers, don't make them from real Hello Kitty stickers!" > MMM real good ones, with loads of ginger. They weren't just ginger, they were gingest. > Cooking stuff like this always makes me nostalgic for my grandfather - > the one who used to read me Kafka bedtime stories. And then you woke up to find yourself transformed into a hideous insect, just like in "The Fly"!!! > So I am eating my breakfast of pot stickers, and I start reading this > thread about breakfast cereals, a food substance I haven't seen in years. > It makes me even more wistful. > > For reasons I have never really understood, my grandfather decided it > was his duty to buy household cereal. > > He used to buy all the cereals everyone here mentioned, including > Lucky Charms, Trix, all the chocolate variants, Cap'n Crunch, Quake, > Quisp and Booberry. > > I can't tell you how teary it makes me to hear someone discuss > Count Chocula. The philanthropist billionaire or the cereal? I still have one of the anti-Semitic Count Chocola boxes from the early eighties, it's got to be worth a fortune now! Unless people have decided that anti-Semitic cereal isn't good for some reason. (It was the box showing the Count being menaced by a drawing of Bela Lugosi as Dracula, and they had drawn Lugosi's medallion as a big gold Star of David, so the Anti-Defamation League complained and they had to airbrush it out on the next lot, resulting in Dracula wearing a heavy yet invisible medallion on that strained ribbon around his ropy, Martin Landau-like neck.) I will volunteer that this is AT LEAST as rare as Mike Jittlov's Canadian Sugar Smacks box showing Mr. Spock endorsing the eating of vast quantities of sugar-coated sugar. > I can almost see my grandfather carrying a bowl to the table in the morning. > I can almost hear his voice, eerily more authentic than the commercial: > "Syadoz, Chah-kyooooooola"... I will pay Martin Landau ten dollars if he will eat an entire bowl of Count Chocola cereal at the next alt.religion.kibology party. > The other colorful childhood cereal which brings back memories: > Crispy Critters. Who could forget the year Post decided to incorporate > orange rhinos and pink elephants? I always wondered if the elephants screamed when they were deep-fried. > I especially remember it because my sister would get motion sick > on the school bus. ON or IN the bus? ON would be funnier, as it would involve your sister either having her own helicopter, or amazing powers of projectile vomiting. > I especially remember the stampedes. > > Also, I would especially like to use this time, during this Holiday > season, to thank Kibo for his selfless food experiments which allow me > to vicariously experience the atrocities of the food world without ever > having to come into contact with those "food" substances. Thank you Kibo, > for your sacrifices for me, a mere heathen. You forgot to mention Yummy Mummy and/or Fruit Brute. And Magic Rocks. They taste a lot like Froot Loops, only soaked in a mixture of vinegar, lye, and rocks. -- K. Also let's not forget the new cereal for the nineties, "Have A Happy Dot-Com Morning!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: attention deficit disorder Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 05:45:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > By the way, contrary to what I thought earlier, I could not get to sleep > tonight. 4:30 a.m. and nothing. > > for those who are wondering, it is Dexadrene... or -eme... I forget which, > and I'm not about to go looking for the bottle. So if you're a hyperactive child, does the theory that stimulants depress you and despressants stimulate you hold true? I've discovered that if I take Sudafed (pseudephedrine hydrochloride) which is supposed to make normaly people really, really, really sleepy, it just makes me vibrate around hyperactively for about eighteen sleepless hours, sort of like if I took fifteen cups of coffee and injected them directly into the part of my brain that likes coffee the least. (Even if I take half a dose. Note that the warning label always says something like "MASSIVE OVERDOSE can cause jitters, sleeplessness, spasticity, and general glibness" so either the proper dose for me is a tenth of a drop or else my medication came from backwards land where sedatives make me nervous.) Anyway, I'm not hyperactive, but Sudafed works backwards on me, so maybe they'd work forwards on you. > I need to get some food.... because that stuff affects the appetite and > I didn't eat much yesterday. > > I also forgot to mention that that stuff also causes a significant > amount of "shrinkage"... worse than that caused by a swimming pool, > because it also tends to produce "snaggage", and that's all I got > to say about that. Ah, so if it works the opposite for me that it does for you... "swellage" which also tends to produce "luggage"! > The thing is, my parents always asked how the medication was doing, > and I always said "I don't know".... because I couldn't remember. > Now I have the side effects and all that written right down, there. > And I'll get to the bottom of this. "Nick, why did you drink ALL of our medication?" "MY half was at the BOTTOM!" (A large, anthropomorphic WOMP WOMP walks in the door and kills them both.) I should point out that I realize that hyperactivity is not the same as attention deficit disorder, because waffles have holes in them when you don't lose the Pac-Man game I'm wet again, Santa? -- K. Could be worse, you could be an INTERactive kid. HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: attention deficit disorder Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 07:37:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So if you're a hyperactive child, does the theory that stimulants depress > > you and despressants stimulate you hold true? > > That's something my mother kept telling me, She kept telling you you're a hyperactive child? Wow, that's mean. Did she also keep telling you, every five minutes, that the Flintstones weren't real, just to also remove you of the joy of being three years old? > so she used to give me coffee to calm me down. And I remember at > least once drinking coffee in the 8th grade and being so wiped out > I had to go to the nurse's office to take a nap. Hmm, I'll have to remember that excuse to get out of class if I ever have to repeat the 8th grade. Dear Nurse, I need to take a nap. Signed, My Mother. > Actually, since Friday I've spend most of my day sleeping. Those meds > are hideous and they take all your brane power with it when they wear off... So give some to everyone around you and THEN you'll be SMART! > > I've discovered that if I take Sudafed (pseudephedrine hydrochloride) which > > is supposed to make normaly people really, really, really sleepy, it just > > makes me vibrate around hyperactively for about eighteen sleepless hours, > > sort of like if I took fifteen cups of coffee and injected them directly > > into the part of my brain that likes coffee the least. > > I've discovered that every time I try to take cold medicine, it always > ends up with my mother standing next to the medicine cabinet reading off > the label of everything we have, so that I have to guess which one most > closely matches what I have after not listening to any of it. Pay attention, Nick. Pay attention, Nick. Pay attention, Nick. LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TYPING AT YOU!!! > I end up taking something at random and not remembering whether it > works or not for the next time. WHEEL! OF! EXPIRED! GRANDMA! MEDICINE!!! I'm sorry, you just drank some "Beef, Iron, & Wine" from 1953. Better luck next illness! -- K. > > HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM! Had one, thanks. Please sir may I have another? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: attention deficit disorder Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 06:07:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian Eable (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, contrary to what I thought earlier, I could not get to sleep > > tonight. 4:30 a.m. and nothing. > > > > for those who are wondering, it is Dexadrene... or -eme... I forget which, > > and I'm not about to go looking for the bottle. > > D00d, that is speed. See this page: > http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic/dextroamphetamine.htm > The effects you will notice are: > - Feeling like you're ten feet tall and bulletproof > - Feeling like you're mentally sharp and very witty > - Brane racing > - Lots of physical energy > - "Shrinkage" > - Loss of appetite > - Difficulty sleeping. > > You should be very aware that these amphetamine drugs have > a high potential for abuse and are HABIT FORMING. In other > words, you can easily get addicted! THEY SHOULD COME UP WITH A REALLY ADDICTIVE DRUG WHICH TREATS ADDICTION!!! By the way, since you posted the address of that Web page for looking up prescriptions, I finally looked up the Butalbital/APAP/Caffeine pills Dr. Shafqat prescribed for my headache-that-wouldn't-leave-the-left-side- of-my-brain-for-three-days-and-mimicked-a-brain-tumor two years ago: D00DZ, I"VE BEEN TAKING BARBIE RITULATES WITH0UT N0 ING IT !!!!11 BUTALBITAL IS A BARBITCHERATE!! -> Brand Names: Americet; Anolor 300; Anoquan; Endolor; Esgic; Esgic-Plus; -> Ezol; Femcet; Fioricet; Fiorpap; Geone; Isocet; Medigesic; Minotal; -> Pacaps; Pharmagesic; Repan; Tencet; Triad I SWALLOWED A TRIAD!!! -> Barbiturate -> -> Signs and Symptoms: Drowsiness; confusion; coma; respiratory depression; -> hypotension; shock. IF PATIENT IS NOT MOVING, IT COULD BE BARBITUATES. Butalbital is available with caffeine and acetaminophen (which is what I got, "APAP" aparently means acetaminophen = Tylenol) or with codeine, just to make it more narcotic. It apparently has a bad interaction with Warfarin, which I'd never swallow because it sounds like a rat poison. The weird thing is I only took two of them -- one for that headache, one for my next migraine -- and they didn't do A DAMN THING for me, just like aspirin and Tylenol. (Well, aspirin makes me bleed all over the dentist, but that's probably not the effect I wanted.) So I am immune to powerful drugs like barbituates but Sudafed makes me all giggly. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, AND WHY CAN'T THEY FIX IT WITH DRUGS THAT TASTE BETTER? -- K. Fun factoid: That Web site says that Prozac capsules are "Pulvules(R)". And another out-of-context snippet: -> Parents of pediatric patients should be advised not to use -> tight-fitting diapers or plastic pants on a child being treated -> in the diaper area, as these garments may constitute occlusive dressing. STAY OUT OF THE DIAPER AREA!!! Also note that the above was in regard to an acne medication. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bell Atlantic DSL Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 23:12:19 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp In a secret newsgroup you're not allowed to read, whose name sounds like "wasted gene ral", Daniel P Dern (ddern@world.std.com) wrote: > > Next-2: You need a clean wire-pair between your location and the other > end. The only way to determine this is by the telco trying it. Nobody > including the telcos really knows what's on all those underground wires... > which ones have bridge taps, splices, dead frogs, old Kibo-was-here > plaques, thinner segments, fraying wires, penguins on the TV sets, et c. > No clean pair, no service. Some telcos claim they're going to try and > pre-test their wires before trying to sell service in an area. The first time I read that it said "Kibo-was-here plagues of dead frogs", which I think is more accurate. We've seen what six-pack plastic rings can do to a duck... Ever seen what the Internet can do to a frog? -- K. So pre-testing is when they test it before they test it, right? Do we still have to pre-pay before pre-pumping? Does Bill Griffith still pre-draw "Zippy"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bell Atlantic DSL Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:16:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > > > so my question is: what the heck is a DSL? Deep Submergence Losertvseriesbystevenspielbergthatbozo. > > or, if I can't get an answer to that, maybe someone could > > figure out what to call an "inside joke" when there is no > > one "inside" who gets it. > > "Kibological" Yes, except you MUST understand that, by definition, Kibo gets all jokes that nobody else gets. Also, Kibo gets all jokes that don't get themselves. KIBO IS NO JOKE! HE IS JUST A MISTAKE! -- K. "Have a happy dot-com!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,sci.physics,sci.physics.relativity,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BIG SUCK THEORY IMPLIES OSMOSIS etc, AND IS IMPLIED BY THE CRAVING TO GAIN A FEELING OF SECURITY Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 10:26:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, sci.physics, sci.physics.relativity, and sci.astro, Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) posted his usual rant about "THE BIG SUCK": > > As mentioned before, the Basic, the most Fundamental, the most Essential, > the most Elemental, the Ultimate cause and motivating force of all and > every action of any object animate or inanimate,at any level, atomic > or galactic is: > > TO GAIN A FEELING OF SECURITY!!! Remember, kids, atoms don't do it to gain security. They do it to gain THE FEELING of security. Don't hurt the feelings of your atoms! > Just right now, if you disagree with me, you do that because that > makes you feel secure. Yes, to dismiss my ideas, to reject them, > to discard them to reject my ideas if they are not accepted by you > gives you a feeling of security. No, it gives me the feeling of biting into a York Peppermint Patty while skiing through the French Alps while a professor goes quietly insane while yelling at the top of his lungs. > The fact that you resisted not to > accept an idea which is unacceptable to you, the fact that you > maintained your convictions without surrendering to ideas that > are unacceptable to you - makes you feel secure. Yes, it does! > > Please, do not resort to verbal games by saying, > > "Abian, your saying that at the root of all actions by any > animate or inanimate object is TO GAIN A FEELING OF > SECURITY tantamounts to someone else's saying that: > > "GAGA is at the root of every action" I would have to say that in no way can "gaga" be construed to represent the scientific community's reaction to your intellect. > My answer to that is that I did not say GAGA is at the root > of every action, I said "TO GAIN A FEELING OF SECURITY IS > AT THE ROOT OF EVERY ACTION". > > Your dismissal of my statement by equating it to "GAGA..." > is itself an action of your behalf which is motivated by > GAINING A FEELING OF SECURITY". I HEARTILY ENDORSE JAMES LOVELOCK'S GAGA HYPOTHESIS, A.K.A THE BIGGER SUCK, A.K.A THE BIG SUCKER. > THE BIG SUCK AND THE REACTION TO IT are some two examples > and instances of the insatiable craving to gain a feeling of > security. The Void of Space Sucks th intruding mass not to > have a concentrated invader in its territory. You'll never use conventional warfare again once you've tried new Concentrated Invaders! > The Gravitational forces are reaction to the BIG SUCK again to resists > the dilution of masses whereby feeling more secure by resisting their > disintegration. So how do you explain eggs exploding in the microwave? Well? I don't mean how do you explain how they explode, I mean, how do you explain why you keep putting them in there? -- K. Didn't I see you performing annoying performance art on the subway under Harvard while wearing THE BIG SUCK DRESS? Dear Alexander Abian, you smell like baby powder and latex! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BITS AND PIECES...12/03 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 08:23:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > [...] note that Stephen Will Tanner is interchangable with any > kibologist satisfying the following USRDA requirements: > > Video Games.........................50% Must have reached the end of "Blaster" and found it a thoroughly satisfying sexual experience. Especially the gurgling noise. > Caffeine............................25% Counts double if you get it from things that don't say "caffeine" in boldface in the ingredients list. > Callbacks...........................10% (15% with 1 cup skim milk) Do callbacks to callbacks score as 10% or as (10% x 10%) = 1%? > Esperanto...........................10% Hey, I got the hat if you got the funny typewriter. A callback to a post I made fifteen minutes ago: I played SSI's board game based on "The Stainless Steel Rat" a lot because you could play it by yourself and it had a different ending every time, which means I must have played it less than six times. > Angst................................5% I think DreamWorks SKG is going to rush a knockoff of you titled "ANGTZ" into production just to help destroy Apple Computer, Inc. DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.31 McIRVINOS. I would work Carl Sagan into that one, but that would just make it easier. > Objectivism..........................5% Are you truly object-oriented? Do you arms and legs tell you what to do when you're walking around? Do you have a telephone in your bathtub which is filled with drugs? (The bathtub, not the phone.) DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.92 McIRVINOS (but only because I once told Matt, otherwise it would be about 98.6 on the McIrvinometer.) > Short, shameful confessions..........2% WORLD'S SHORTEST, MOST SHAMEFUL CONFESSION: "I faithfull swear to execute the office of President -- I wet 'em!" That could obviously be much shorter if shame did not trump shortness. (Look at all Dr. Loveless!) DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.22 McIRVINOS (because Dennis Miller keeps reminding people of the ORIGINAL Dr. Loveless, not the robot one, and because Mike Jittlov could probably explain it in a pinch because he was the first person to make a major feature film based on "The Wild Wild West") > Niacin...............................1% The original one, or the one drawn by Jerry Scott where her head wasn't drawn with an ellipse template and there weren't evil Communist beatniks everywhere? > The Fourth Wall.......................* I can see it now: Hitler, Jr. builds a wall diagonally across Berlin not for political reasons, but JUST TO ANNOY PEOPLE! And he could name it Larry just so it would respond to his Usenet posts. DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.01 McIRVINOS (because if it is really accurate, Larry Wall will show up to explain it, except he won't because I just said he would and I know how his mind works because I wrote Perl so I could search for my name.) > Due to increased gym time, Stephen Will Tanner is now available only > in size Large. Do you still wear shorts, or have you graduated to wides? THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE! YOU LET ME MENTION EUGENE JARVIS AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHO HITLER WAS! -- K. Mental image: Mike Bent trying to explain Hitler to Fisher Junior College, whose buildings now have plaques which say FISHER ###### COLLEGE. P.S. I did not mention "seaQuest" or "Space: 1999" or late DeForest Kelley in this post because it was written with Matt McIrvin in mind and he knows who they are. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: GRAMMAR FOR KIBOLOGISTS Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:47:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Juliette Cutler Page (editor@feminista.com) wrote: > > HELPFUL QUASI-GRAMMATICAL HINTS, not guaranteed to be right: The "not" goes a little later in that sentence. > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Are you truly object-oriented? Do you arms and legs tell you what to > > do when you're walking around? Do you have a telephone in your bathtub > > which is filled with drugs? (The bathtub, not the phone.) > > HINT #1. comma after which, i mean before, except in this sentence, > which has a comma both before and after which (and a left parenthesis). But then I would have looked STUPID for explaining a SYNTACTICALLY UNAMBIGUOUS SENTENCE. Incidentally, commas aren't grammar, they're mechanics. But you wouldn't know anything about mechanics because you're just a GIRL and think that the guys at Jiffy-Lube do a good enough job to save you the trouble of getting your hands dirty adjusting your own points and I bet you don't even know that wrenches come in both Metric and Regular. > > DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.22 McIRVINOS (because Dennis Miller > > keeps reminding people of the ORIGINAL Dr. Loveless, not the robot one, > > and because Mike Jittlov could probably explain it in a pinch because > > he was the first person to make a major feature film based on > > "The Wild Wild West") > > HINT #2. try to break sentences down into digestible lengths. remember > some of your readers may have sensitive stomachs. OH. SHUT. UP. > > Do you still wear shorts, or have you graduated to wides? > > > > THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE! > > YOU LET ME MENTION EUGENE JARVIS AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHO HITLER WAS! > > HINT #3. mentioning hitler automatically causes 1000000 points to be > subtracted from your score. I meantioned NEGATIVE HITLER, doofus (<-- masculine noun, because "doofa" sounds doofy) because I said he's DEAD, and thus I WON A BILLION POINTS BECAUSE I KILLED HITLER!!! Now go learn to adjust your points. And learn to drive a stick. And I don't mean a car. > HINT #4. adjectives always agree with nouns in gender, number, and case. Not in sentences which don't have them. -- kibo@sexista.com P.S. TODAY WE BOMBED IRAQ BACK TO THE STONE AGE, WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE I LIKE THE FLINTSTONES! YEE-HAW! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: GRAMMAR FOR KIBOLOGISTS Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 06:50:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Juliette Cutler Page (editor@feminista.com) wrote: > > > > > > HINT #2. try to break sentences down into digestible lengths. remember > > > some of your readers may have sensitive stomachs. James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) replied, lovingly: > > > > OH. SHUT. UP. Juliette Cutler Page (editor@feminista.com) replied: > > Dear Kibo: > > are you feeling ok? > > you seem rather stressed lately. or sensitive, or something. NO! I HAD THE FLU LAST WEEK AND I THINK I GOT IT FROM THE FEMINISTS!!! THEY SHOULD ALL GO BACK TO FEMINISTADOR WHERE THEY CAME FROM!!! AND THEY KEEP TRYING TO RECRUIT ME!!! > love, > doofette You know, "doof" is "food" spelled backwards, but "loofah" is "HA, FOOL!!!" spelled backwards quietly. -- K. kibo@antidisestablishmentarianista.com ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.history.science,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Born in the middle of the century and in the middle of the year Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 10:42:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In soc.history.science and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > That line starts out my autobiography for I was born 1950, 5 July. I > think that is a cool line and a cool way to start an autobiography. That's odd. The FIRST time you posted your autobiography, in 1994, the first paragraph of text began this way: [excerpt from "Ludwig Plutonium, The Chosen One" (1994), page 3:] -> -> A TRIBUTE TO MY MOTHER, JOHANNA POEHLMANN: I remember vivid scenes of -> my past with my mother, the first recollection of my mother, and the -> first conscious recollection that I was alive was in the crib, I was -> hungry and wanted something to eat and so I was eating this soft stuff -> and I could hear my mothers voice differently, a harsh tone now, and I -> saw her arms flinging around and she was making a fuss and later in my -> youth I asked her about this scene and she confirmed to me that I had -> eaten my own poop. By the way, I recently told someone you said you had eaten your own poop in 1993. I apologize for my inaccuracy, you said you ate your own poop in 1994. > This is the quote: " I was born in the middle of the century and in > the middle of the year. Later, you will find out that I would become > involved in the middle of every science." > > Can someone tell me if any famous scientist was born in the middle of > the century and middle of the year. Are you using an arithmetical or geometrical mean, median, or mode? Does "middle" mean the 10%, 25%, 50%, or 90% that are closest to it? How wide is your "middle"? -- K. I'm using "mean" right now! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.food.fast-food,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Burger King Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 08:20:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.food.fast-food, John Fedele (cosmojr@webtv.net) wrote: > > I love > burger king food. I'll tell you why...the meat has that rich char > broiled flavor and is also moist and juicy... and oohhhh!! THE > WHOPPERS...I always order the #2 combo...double beef whopper with > cheese, onion rings and diet cola.IT'S BETTER THAN SEX!!! MANCIA!! Remember, you can only have a Whopper *or* sex, not both. You can't have sex if you have the burger. Or is that if you have a WebTV? -- K. OWAH TAZ ING ER !!!! !!! P.S. Wouldn't the non-diet cola be even more better than sex? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: EXPERIMENTAL PROOF OF GOD Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 06:14:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond34@corc.net) wrote: > > The 4x4 physics metric causes the Structural Model of Personality, > hence we have a simple explanation of Hammond's Scientific Proof of God: > > 1. > The vertebrate body, including man, is a simple 3-axis > Cartesian structure: > > > \ | |\ |\ > \|_____|__\|_____|__\|_____\|____\|__ > |\ | |\ | |\ |\ |\ > | \ | \ | \ > | | | | > | | | | > __/ _|/ | > | | > __/ __/ > > Fig. 1. Owen's Vertebrate Archetype (1849) Oh no! You swallowed Archimedes Plutonium's World's Most Beautiful Building! I like how the neckbone is connected to the giant "X" bone. > This was discovered by Sir Richard Owen in 1849 I don't know, I think someone else discovered the concept of "the scribble" a few years earlier. > and in 1888 > Wilhelm Roux (father of Embryology) traced the origin of it to > the first 3 (Cartesian) cleavages of the egg. Hammond (1994) > points out that this is caused by the 3-axis Cartesian structure > of space itself (Metrical Structure of space). > > 2. > The Cartesian (3-axis) structure of the body, in turn, > produces the well known 3-axis structure of the brain evidenced > in the Medial and Central fissures of the brain and the Neuraxis. > (Hammond 1994) > These 3 brain cleavage axes are, again, caused by the 3 primary > cleavages of the egg. There are 3 well known (historic) > neuropsychological dichotomies; one located on each of these 3 > brain axes: > > X axis = Bell-Magendie (motor-sensory) dichotomy > Y axis = Sperrian Lateralization (Right-Left hemispheres) > Z axis = Neuraxis itself (stem-limbic-cortex) So what you're intimating is that our brains are in three-dee but YOUR brain was drawn by Hanna-Barbera? > 3. > These 3 well known neuropsychological divisions cause the 3 > well known psychometric dimensions of E,N,P (Eysenck 1950-1998): > > E = Extroversion-Introversion (motor-sensory) > N = Neuroticism-Mania (Sperrian Lateralization) > P = Psychoticism (Neuraxial cleavage) So if the origin is normal, what's at the opposite end of the graph from Psychoticism? Incidentally, there's this word that's spelled "Psychosis" that you may want to look up. It's like that thing you used but shorter, and would make you look less psychoticistical. > 4. > These 3 Psychometric dimensions THEREFORE are directly > caused by the 3-SPACE components of the Metric. It turns out > that TIME the 4th dimension of the spacetime (physics) Metric > causes a 4th (historic) factor in Psychometry, Intelligence "g" > (also called IQ). g is known to correlate with mental speed, and > therefore with TIME. Thus: > > E = X > N = Y > P = Z > g = t > > So, AXIOMATICALLY, the 4 metrical variables of Physics, cause the > 4 metrical variables of Psychology. Or, symbolically, the METRIC > of Physics causes the METRIC of Psychology: > > g(u,v) = Psi(u,v) > or > 4x4 Physics Metric = 4x4 Psychology Metric MY BRAIN IS A MONSTER TRUCK! > 5. > Now, Einstein (1916; see Einstein 1984 p. 86 eqn. 98) shows > that the spacetime Metric in the Newtonian limit may be written: > > | 1 | | @ | > | 1 | | @ | > g(u,v) = | 1 | + | @ | > | 1 | | @ | > > where @ = Newtonian gravitational potential But then it should be moving in a parabola, not a diagonal line. > Likewise Thurstone (1947, p.74) shows that the Psychology Metric > can be written: > > | U^2 | | h^2 | > | U^2 | | h^2 | > Psi(u,v) =| U^2 | + | h^2 | > | U^2 | | h^2 | > > (The first matrix in both equations is "flat"; or orthogonal) Flat? Bah! Real scientists uses matrixes shaped like non-Euclidean space-time manifolds. Why, I have one matrix which has five rows, three columns, nine edges, two holes, a bumpy texture, and cannot be pressed flat without splitting your pants. > Calling the indicated higher order factor of Psi, GOD, and the > indicated higher order factor of G(u,v), GRAVITY, it can be seen > immediately that these two expressions are identical if we > identify the communalities, h^2, of the higher order factor of > Psi with @ the Gravitational potential: > > @ == h^2 > > where == indicates a "factor analytic identity" in the classic > sense (see Thurstone 1947 pp. 117- ). > > Taking the derivative of both sides: > > grad @ = 2h > thus > Gravity = GOD I think you skipped a step here, perhaps the one where you take your medication. > Now, since there are AXIOMATICALLY only 4 factors (i.e. the > metric is axiomatically a 4x4 matrix) and Thurstone's law (ibid > p. 293) shows that a 4x4 can only have ONE higher order factor; > we see that GOD is, axiomatically, the last factor in all of > Psychology. Also that it is Factor Analytically isomorphic to > Gravity (i.e. caused by the curvature of space). Therefore the > last factor is clearly and unequivocally identified as GOD- the > "God of the Bible". This completes the Scientific Proof of the > Existence of God. Big deal. I can prove that God doesn't exist: If God existed, he'd cure all the nut-cases in sci.*. Sci.* is full of mad scientists. Therefore, THERE IS NO GOD, AND IT'S ALL GEORGE HAMMOND'S FAULT. -- K. Meanwhile all the real scientists are hanging out in alt.sci.physics.new-theories. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Fromage to Kibo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 07:48:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > [music video Stephen made out of "samples" from Kibo's posts omitted] > > >>>> CREDITS <<<< > Idea stolen from Louis Nick III > Articles stolen from Kibo via Deja News > Lyrics stolen from "Down to This" by Soul Coughing > Free browser stolen from Microsoft Corporation > Kibo has never posted "toothpick" or "machete" > keep circulating the tapes... A-hem. TOOTHPICK! BELOW! And I could swear I've said "machete" but I can't prove it, so maybe I just said it to myself when I was killing that guy. /// rerun pasted in while watching the episode of "The Wonder Years" where Fred Savage listens to Peter Graves talking about giant tomatoes in Bert I. Gordon's "Beginning Of The End", written by Harlan Ellison /// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Plethora Of Discussion. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Sat, 20 Jun 1998 03:46:46 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 4721 centons, 63 microns, .02 rouettes Richard E. Nickle (rick@beable.trystero.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -- Kibo, Evil Space Pirate, > > Spokesman For Earth, > > And King Of Terror > > You forgot to add 'Emperor of R.O.M.' and 'Inventor of the Smiley' (Kibo crosses to a handy typewriter and begins to bash out letters.) R O M I S T O B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W A R D S R O M I S T O B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W A R D S R O M Y S T O B O R S P E L E L D B A C K W A R D S R O M I S T O B B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W A R D S R O M I S T O B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W Z R D S TRUMAN BRADLEY: Yes, some day, robots such as these may be available from the Sears Holiday Wish Book. But will they be invisible like my robot? Tonight's story DID NOT HAPPEN, a tale from the borderland beyond fiction, beyond science, a tale so terrible that... it just might happen tomorrow. COULD IT HAPPEN? DID IT HAPPEN? IS THIS STORY TRUE? Tonight's story did not happen. BUT IT DID HAPPEN!!! (Lap-dissolve to a spaghetti collander sitting on a table. It is slowly rocking back and forth as someone shakes the table by the legs. Extremely loud big-band music is heard. Superimposed title:) SCIENCE FICTION THEATRE presents INVENTOR OF THE SMILEY with Whit Bissell and Coleman Francis SCIENTIST (peering into microscope): These computer circuits are oddly programmed. Could the communists be involved? WIFE (dancing through the room stirring a pan of cake batter): Hi, honey! Look at me! I'm cooking! Look at me! Look at meeeeee! SCIENTIST: No time for that now, woman. I am inventing the computer! WIFE (bursting into tears): You never invented the computer before! You used to talk to me before you became such a... a... science doer! SCIENTIST: The word is "scientist". WIFE: Oh. Now I understand. Science is a worthier pursuit than my selfish desire for acknowledgment of my existence. I will stir more quietly in the kitchen and never leave the kitchen again. (She exits.) SCIENTIST: Now, how do these bits travel over the wires to communications satellites? (Scratchy black and white stock footage of a rubber ball with toothpicks stuck in it hovering over a globe of the Earth with huge letters saying "Ottoman Empire" in Europe. Sound effect: A guy saying "Beep... beep...") SCIENTIST: I just can't invent anything worthy of a Nobel Prize today. I guess I'm just not cut out to be the world's greatest scientist any more. (He crosses over to the shaving mirror hanging over the Bunsen burner in his lab, and talks to his reflection.) SCIENTIST: Here I am all alone with you. But you can't help me. I'm just a washed-up World's Greatest Scientist and you're all backwards. I hate you! (He gives the mirror a very gentle slap, so as not to break the prop. The wall wobbles. The mirror comes unhinged and rotates ninety degrees clockwise. Suddenly the scientist's reflection is sideways!) SCIENTIST: Now, wait just a minute, hold it right there... (He picks up a grease pencil and circles the eyes of his sideways reflection, then outlines the mouth. Slow, wobbly zoom in on the smiley he has just drawn. We hear the big band orchestra playing swing music at ten thousand decibels.) SCIENTIST: Well, I'll be! The smiley was within me after all! TRUMAN BRADLEY: Tonight's story did not happen. But someday... it will. Maybe the day after tomorrow. Maybe two days before tomorrow. It doesn't matter. What matters is science. One day man will invent the smiley. Then his wife will bake him a cake. I'm Truman Bradley. Good night. (He picks up a September 1953 "Scientific American" magazine and begins reading the photo captions for the thenty-eighth time. Roll credits.) -- K. This parody DID happen. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Future of the Internet; present problems and future solutions Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:22:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Let us suppose that the above lawsuit materializes and I have the > permission of the US govt to sue them. While we're on the subject of science fiction, HEY ARCH, DON'T FORGET TO GET THE PRESIDENT'S SIGNATURE IN WRITING, AND MAKE HIM SHOW YOU TWO FORMS OF I.D. LIKE THAT LITTLE KID DID TO BUSH. I AM NOT IMPLYING YOU ARE AS SMART AS THAT LITTLE KID. > And so I prepare for trial, and let us be optimistic that it lasts for > only 2 years. Archimedes Plutonium would have to ride his bicycle from Dartmouth to the Supreme Court every day for two years, and might develop leg muscles big enough to see! > My entire lawsuit would probably be antiquated before finished. I think you can generalize that to your entire internal landscape. > The reason I say that is > because everyday the Internet is becoming more and more commercialized > and that is telescoping into a Telephone supra-structure. THE INTERNET IS TELESCOPING!!! RUN!!! AAAIIIIEEE!!! I'M BEING CRUSHED IN ALT.SCI.PHYSCS.PLTNM!!! > Many of the ills and evils of present day Internet such as > searchenginebombing, emailbombing, unsolicited email ads, forging of > names to subscription lists, stalking, and even the quoting of long > posts just to add a sentence. I agree, nobody should be allowed to add ANYTHING to your posts. > Almost all of that can be eliminated with > one sweeping new change. A fee of say 10 cents per post or 50 cents per > post or to match what a letter postage stamp costs which will be 33 > cents come January 1999. Arch, once again, have you realized that it's not 33 cents everwhere the Internet goes? Like, you know, at that Canadian University you're trying to sue? > I suspect that many foreign countries already impose fees for each > post made. In the US a flat montly fee to an ISP does not stop persons > from making frivolous and often stalking posts. BUT CHARGING PEOPLE AN EXTRA TEN SECONDS WOULD MAKE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAD AT LEAST TEN CENTS IN THE BANK ABLE TO CALL ARCHIE AN IDIOT! I like it. I am setting aside a whole dollar as the budget for my next post. > [...] > So, if I breeze along and take NASA to court, Be sure to mention, when you file your legally-worded complaint, that you are breezing. "Your honor, there is a breeze coming from the plaintiff." > I may be outpaced in the race for reform of Internet even on your bicycle? > for the commercialization changes would drastically change aspects > such as searchenginebombing or stalking etc. So that's ten cents per person you stalk? Is Jodie Foster the same price as, say, Claudia Christian? Is there a group discount? -- K. Can you get together with three other guys and time-share a celebrity in eight-hour shifts? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.geo.geology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Gc&e2 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 09:28:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) wrote, if you can stretch the definition a little: > > Thursday the Greater Craetor & Erge2erg 24 ? 0 Cr ? erg > > From: nospam@ibm.net | Um? Monday I refocused on GaAs.M1 > To: All | but failed to Post. The rest of > Subject: Where are you Manley? | the week i've been in a Geological > | "FOG" & UNmotavited. Not Blue tho. > From: nospam@ibm.net (MsGeo) | 4Myself went to the Co. Court house > Subject: Where are you Manley? | Yesterday to see what story L. B. > Organization: As Little as Pos | was doing aboout 3:pm and then to > | the New Federal Court House bulding > Weekends come and weekdays go | to "ASK" about the :"Erwin Grant": > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > CASE: i saw it on the computer as xx/xx/xx > ========================================== > Anyway the real reason i was in the Federal Court hous yesterday at > 3:21 Court House Clerk time was the case of Newman T. Although I > did look and look. there was no electric power to the microfinch > machine, and one machine appeared not to work. My search for "Tom" > turned up nothing but the WEB site. Lemme see if i can find that. > maybe ? > http://linux.usdc/cig-bin/name?jln=public > well? sometimes i cannot read my own handwriting > and i recall having had trouble making out what i thought the letters > after the ? were as it may have been ?ilk or some other combination > ANYWAY? I do plan on going back today in about an hour Both places. > and TRY to find Newman once again. Perhaps i had the wrong calender > year or some such other ?" electrical "? malfunction. I donno, but > will try again! Because on my way out I could not help notice > that there was an Anthropoligical display in the New ( most expensive ) > { of all us feral court houses ever constructed } Lobby > of some old Rusted iron that drew my attention. > Do Not miss understand me, Visiting that site can become a very > unpleasent experiance 4me and I do no look forward to relooking > there. > BUTT, sure for Newman i will i'm pretty sure. As for Erwin? > nothing I could do? would ther b. > /\/op > ________Line 38 12:18 P.M. 98-12-17 in court in about an hour and * I would just like to say this: ME TOO. -- K. Also, I LIKE PEZ. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Greatest scientific achivement of the millienium. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 08:35:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor beable@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > NO WAY D00D!!!!11! I'm changing my name from Beable van Beable > to Brane Trolonium. Please stop using the old name or I will > lawsuit you. > > Yours &c > > Brane Trolonium But you post from DejaNews. You don't *have* a name. Also, I think you should change your name back to Brian Bolonium so that we can see you more clearly when you change from Brian Bolonium to Brain Bozonium to Brane Trolonium while standing in the light of TRUTH, which attracts bugs 'cause it's got all the colors in it except yellow. IF YOU'RE EVER ATTACKED BY BUGS HIDE IN THE MIDDLE OF A RAINBOW WHERE THE LEMON STUFF COMES FROM!!! I'm not sure but I think my flu has sort of gone away because now I can eat twenty slices of bacon in a row without throwing up, although it's hard to find a pan long enough to hold 20 in a row. But I still can't think logically so I think I may have contracted Permanent Brain Flu. Oh no, the "Laverne & Shirley But Without Shirley" episode where Squiggy gets kidnapped by the KGB and forced to dance in "Swan Lake" is on again and I already saw it once today!!! I hate being sick because it makes you watch TV that you don't want to. I AM STILL MAD AT THE UNIVERSE FOR TRICKING MY BRAIN INTO TRYING TO WATCH "BUGSY MALONE" THIS WEEKEND!!! IT RUINED MY WEEKEND *FOREVER*!!! -- K. a.k.a Euripides Pantaloonium, King of Terror, President of Psuedo-Science, and 1992 Spokesman for Middle Earth. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:35:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) warbled: > > > > So because of this I will schedule myself to apply for a patent on > > DISPOSABLE, UNWASHABLE PANS and I now have exactly 364.99999999 days > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > Needless to say, IWPTA "disposable, unwashable pants". Yes, but at least I don't wear disposable WASHABLE pants. YOU'LL NEVER USE TOILET PAPER AGAIN NOW THAT THERE'S TOILET UNDERWEAR! I'm sorry. I didn't invent it, I just made it up. -- K. I HAVE THE FLU AND A FEVER AND I THINK THAT THE INTERNET IS REAL. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 10:09:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > During the last sojurn to Vegas, I talked with this army guy about his > experiences inspecting pants for his unit. > > I apologize for that last sentence. > > I talked with this army guy about his experiences inspecting pants for > his squad. CHECKLIST, PANTS, ARMY, TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT #1.) Pants have seat. #2.) Fly can be at least partially closed. #3.) Sum total of area of all holes is less than total area of original pants. #4.) Pants are not lavender. > He talked about being stationed in Japan, and I thought > maybe we had a point of common interest, and he said, "Hey, you know > those one guys...the TOENAILS?", and I thought probably for sure we > DID have point of common interest, so I'm all "Yeah?" and he's all > "Yeah.........they PISS ME OFF!" I'm lost. IN JAPAN! AND LAS VEGAS! Waah! Steven Tanner ripped me in half and has strewn me into the two kinkiest cities in the world!!! Short shameful confession: I only ever have heard the verb "strew" used on "Beat The Clock" circa 1974, when they kept strewing Styrofoam coffee cups around the big baby blue circle. I liked that show and not "Tattletales" because "Tattletales" had a banana section which made it STUPID. > Once I was assigned to write a dictation module. Well, actually, just > the Dictation Handler that would call some third-party dictation > module. And it turned out that I just needed to write the interface, > and an intern would write the rest. So I wrote it up, and named it > "DictationHandlerInterface" in proper Hungarian. But the Powers That > Were thought that was too long. > > For one brief, shining moment, the document was..the DicHandInterface. Now all you have to do is get that into the IBM/Motorola PowerPC G4 hardware design as a single instruction. So that people will be able to program RISC assembly language that says: DICHANDINTERFACE EIEIO ...just because I like EIEIO. By the way, EIEIO on a PowerPC has the same effect as NOP on a 68040, which is to say that it does something other than NOP. I HATE PEOPLE WHO DESIGN CHIPS! NERDS ARE STUPID!!! > And NOW you KNOW...the REST of the STORY. GoodDAY! And the MAN... who split his PANTS... had NO BUTTOCKS. But that didn't stop him from becoming... JOANNE WHALLEY KILMER. (screaming at the top of my lungs-->) THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- K. EIEIO is almost as much fun to say as PPPUPP would be. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 03:49:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dag ]gren FYSI (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > Dear Mr. Dig Agron, > > My freind Ann is from Norway and she says she once saw a Finnish TV > > program in which there were naked men dancing around holding balloons > > over their dirty places. > > She said it was some sort of variety/game show, possibly similar to > > our famous GONG SHOW. only without any gongs. > > I say she is lying. > > Who here is correct??? You forgot to add "Dear TV Guide, please settle this, I have TWO DOLLARS riding on it!" > I wouldn't know. This, you see, is the exact reason I usually avoid all > Finnish variety/game shows, and most other Finnish programming, > especially stuff that tries to be funny. > > Except maybe something called Okeiko, but they've stopped showing it. > That show had an obsession with the word "kantoraketti", ie, "booster > rocket". Yes, but in my kitchen, I hava potatoraketti from somewhere in India. Gen-U-Wine "POTATO RACKETS". They're like wagon wheels, except flat, and they're made out of potato starch, not pasta, so that when you cook them they turn transparent and get really, really, really sticky and if you cook more than one of them at a time they come out in a huge tangled glob not unlike invisible seaweed. SHORT SHAMEFUL CONFESSION: I just typed "seaqweed". THAT COULD HAVE SAVE THAT SHOW! ROY SCHEIDER Lucas, what's our position? LUCAS Like, I don't know, man, this is like a bummer trip or something. Let's give the dolphin drugs. DARWIN (squeaky, high-pitched voice, because it's coming from a computer) Darwin like drugs! Darwin am walrus! ROY SCHEIDER The walls are melting... there's brown goop oozing down them... oh, wait, that's my skin. Never mind. WHOA! I FELL OFF THE LIFTS IN MY SHOES! That's funny. Let's surface so I can stare at the sun until I turn into a butterfly! DARWIN Electric velcro is always a negative tetrahedron! -- K. I apologize for making sub-refs to Bucky Fuller and Archie Plutonium in the same sentence, because Bucky obviously wasn't crazy because he never posted to Usenet. Also, it's a sub-ref which takes place ON A SUB!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:01:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...re Potato Rackets...] > > they come out in a huge tangled glob not unlike invisible seaweed. > > > > SHORT SHAMEFUL CONFESSION: I just typed "seaqweed". THAT COULD HAVE > > SAVE THAT SHOW! > > I first read this as "seaqweef". Which is less funny sounding than both > "doidy" and "bongle", but more funny than "wanger". Okay, here is the revised list of the most obscene nonsense words you must never say aloud when you type them into the Internet, unless you're talking to alt.religion.kibology. I culled these from the archives and the majority of them are my fault, sorry. sil puh vup inkle freef doidy urlap woxwox beable slunch blarda lenort fŸtplex crontab poooooz bazpacho seaqweef bigfootf benefxfx blezmogon saxofungus nudibranch phlezofigle skyboxolajuwon searchenginebombing zeppelinzer torture Ironically, none of them is a four-letter word! -- K. Matt McIrvin will now use each of them in a sentence. All in the same sentence. In public. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:37:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor doctoraaron@mindless.com, whose "real name" was eaten by his WebTV, wrote: > > [...] > > I hope I misread that; I'd hate to think I'm dumber than my WebTV. Older than Bob Hope, too. -- K. And with shorter pants than Donald Duck. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Impeachement and Bombing Iraq Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 00:23:21 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp In alt.tech-support.recovery, Chris Horry (zerbey@nildram.co.uk) wrote: > > Oh dearie me, a user left me a message today asking to call back. When I > did (I know, stupid of me but they only moan if I don't) he asks if the > internet is going to be affected by Mr Clinton's impeachment and all the > air strikes over Iraq. > > I worry about these people sometimes I really do... When you called back, did you shout at him in Arabic? That's what I would have done. If I had been you. And if I knew Arabic. And if I had to call people on the phone. (Which I don't, because I count as Level Infinity tech support -- people are only permitted to ask me questions after they have asked the same question of every single person on the planet except me.) So anyway, what did you tell the person who thought the Internet was going away? Did you at least take away their Internet access? -- K. Will you call me back with the answer to that question? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Laverne & Shirley Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 07:54:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A further observation on the final, feeble season (which Lewis Carollackerman refers to as "the feebnal season") of "Laverne & Shirley Without Shirley": In yesterday's rerun, Charlie Fleischer (best known as that guy who did the voice of Roger Rabbit) played a Trekkie who was running around in a purple Star Trek shirt because "Officers are blue, the Captain's orange, and janitors are purple." He spent about five minutes saying "Beam me in, Laverne!" and then walking through the doorway sideways because he was, like, pretending he was in outer space and stuff. Oh, yeah, and the plot of the episode was Laverne got her father to baby-sit a chimpanzee and then she went to sing with The Spinners, who were twenty years older than they really were then, but halfway through the song she felt sorry for her father so she told the Spinners to stop playing and then she told the whole audience how much she loved her father and then she went home. The very same day, the Sci-Fi Channel aired the single greatest "Wonder Woman" episode ever made, the one in which Rene Auberjonois (best known for his role as the twit on "Benson" and/or the nosejobbed glob of apple butter on "Deep Space Nine" and/or the original Father Mulcahy in "M*A*S*H") broke into the Griffith Observatory to steal the three ruby crystals from inside the telescope but he accidentally mailed them to a nerd at a "Space Quest" convention where all these people were walking around in "Logan's Run" costumes and a "Logan's Run" Sandman was chasing some "Logan's Run" runners around with the "Logan's Run" Gun which, as you will recall, Matt McIrvin once immo