Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: A recruitment drive for alt.tech-support.recovery. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:36:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, here's what we need to do for alt.tech-support.recovery. #1. Find someone who will admit to being in the WebTV tech support phone pool. #2. Get him or her to start posting True Bozo Stories to a.t-s.r. #3. BY CHRISTMAS AFTERNOON. -- K. "I threw away my TV because now I have a WebTV, why can't I see my stories?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Augh! Commercials are trying to make me stupid! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 10:17:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In a recent thread, I wrote: > There's a TV commercial > which annoys me greatly with a jingle which includes the lyric: > > "Charlie works in cyberspace, backslash-dot-com all day long..." > > And then there's the one showing off the lame attempts to make haircuts > at Supercuts, including "The I don't want to look like a geek-dot-com." > Which, incidentally, makes the guy look like a ROYAL DOUBLE GEEK. Now Sun (the people who are in charge of setting the Java standard to something that Microsoft won't adhere to) have a new commercial which ends with: "We're the DOT in DOT COM. What can we DOT COM for you?" What the sil? -- K. They're the doot in doot com. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.toys.virtual-pets,alt.religion.kibology,alt.toys.my-little-pony From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dire Warning: Furby, Your Fun Pal Of DEATH!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 07:17:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I have horrible, urgent news for everyone. I was recently checking all my home appliances for compatibility with the "Year 2000 Bug" by setting the clocks on my TV, VCR, microwave oven, etc. ahead to the distant future, the year 2000. None of my appliances blew up or melted down, but -- because my Furby's infrared sensor was pointed at my VCR's remote control port, when I set my VCR to the year 2000, my Furby did something very frightening! It spun around, said a dirty word, and then made a very high-pitched noise which was at the approximate resonant frequency of the human head (0.440 kilocycles per second.) Fortunately I was protected because I was wearing my Walkman at the time! If I had been just an ordinary schmo, that high-pitched signal would have made my head explode! Heaven only knows why! Taking apart the Furby proved my theory: The Furby is filled with extra gears which are not connected to anything! These are for activating its secret powers in the Year 2000! If you do not have a Furby, do not buy one, let the other bozos buy them all. If you do have a Furby, protect yourself by keeping it in a soundproof isolation booth. And, whether or not you already own one of the little monsters, always wear a Walkman at all times in case you are near a Furby when one activates in the terribly near future year 2000. IF YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME AND FURBY MAKES YOUR HEAD EXPLODE DON'T COME CRYING TO ME. Other than that, I love Furby! -- K. Bye, and have a "happy dot-com"! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dire Warning: Furby, Your Fun Pal Of DEATH!!!! Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 22:02:05 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Leah Verre (fleabite@duh.seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Bye, and have a "happy dot-com"! > > Kibo, if you keep using that sig line, I'm going to kick you in the butt > dot-com. I am going to keep using it forever and ever, and the only thing that could ever convince me to stop saying this wonderful phrase would be if everyone else in the world adopted it so that it became less hip. -- K. HAVE A HAPPY DOT !!!! AND A MERRY COM !!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.writing.screenplays,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dracula 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 07:20:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.writing.screenplays, the author of "Dracula: 1999", Jervis Dedalus (jervis_dedalus@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > [...ranting...] > > Go to church you little bastard and find out the meaning of this: "Do unto > others as you would have them do unto you." Morally stupid little fuck. Get > some God in you, punk. > > [...more ranting, swearing, teeth-grinding, and hair-pulling...] I useta have some God in me but then I drank too much iced tea and I peed all my God away, sorry. Also in misc.writing.screenplays, Jeremy Kareken (karekenj@IDT.NET) wrote: > > Subject: Dracula 1999 Screenwriting Contest > > Rules: Taking characters, concepts, and/or direct quotations from the > major magnum opus of "Jervis_Dedalus" and re-writing them into a parody of > the already talent-free piece displayed on this forum. > > You must use the title "Dracula 1999 - Part [number]" in your subject > header. Okay, this is part 1 of 1 of my masterpiece, DRACULA: 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 > It must be understood that this work is done in parody. Actually my work is done in an apartment. > You are not required to read more than one page of Mr. "Dedalus'" work. > I'm not cruel. Can I get an exemption? I've already read all 410 pages of "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One From The Years Of Neon Through Iodine", which was written by Archimedes Plutonium under his nom de plume. Ssh, don't tell anyone I know Ludwig Plutonium's secret identity. It's as closely-guarded a secret as Paul French's real name! > Prize: $3.95 for the most savage parody. Out of my own pocket. The > administrator of this contest reserves the right to find his own work the > most savage. So be forewarned. He thinks highly of himself. Don't waste > our time like "Dedalus" has. Parody, savage, pocket, cheapskate, check. > Note: The entrants involved in this contest are parody, in accordance with > the 1961 Report of the Register of U.S. Copyright Law, which holds as fair > use: "use in a parody of some of the content of the work parodied." Mine's even BETTER than that because mine has NOTHING to do with "Dracula: 1999" because mine's GOOD! > Yours etc, > /\ > | | > _\/ /\ /_ /\ ____ > / / \_\/_/ /__\/__/ / /__/__/ > \/ / > ---/ Dear &ohomij, Attached below please find one kick-ass-ing movie! DRACULA: 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 THE MOST SAVAGE CONCEPT: A GAME OF DANGEROUSNESS -- A MOTION PICTURE EXPERIENCE FADE IN. (Jervimedes Molybdenum is sitting on the toilet.) JERVIMEDES (flailing his arms) Whoa! Whoa! Whew! I almost fell off! (He grabs at the roll of toilet paper to steady himself. As it begins to unroll we see, in EXTREME, NAUSEATING CLOSE-UP, that a tiny movie script is printed on it.) JERVIMEDES Hey, what does this say? I will read it to myself now! "DRACULA: NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE REPETEND NINE! THE MOST SAVAGE CONCEPT: A GAME OF DANGEROUSNESS -- A MOTION PICTURE EXPERIENCE!" Gosh! I am reading a script! I wonder why it is supposed to be so savage. Well now I shall forseek to read it from the part where I stopped reading just now. "FADE IN. Jervimedes Molybdenum is sitting on the toilet. Suddenly, a copy of the script for "DRACULA: NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE REPETEND NINE jumps off a roll of toilet paper and bites his face off!" Hey, I think that's a swell idea for a new -- GAAAAAH!!! (He screams as the script jumps onto his face and makes "MUNCH MUNCH" noises, dubbed by Frank Welker. SWISH-PAN to ROD SERLING, who is standing in front of a sign which says "MENTAL HOSPITAL THIS WAY -->" pointed into his right ear.) ROD SERLING The moral of tonight's episode: A toilet can be a very high place from which to fall when you are a character in your own story. But that's the way the cookie crumbles and the crumbs have been flushed into the vast swirling waters of The Toilet Zone. SLOW, LAME FADE-OUT. BURN ONLY EXISTING PRINT BEFORE RELEASE. DENY, DENY, DENY. -- K. If it says DENNY'S DENNY'S DENNY'S on the LABEL LABEL LABEL you'll get food poisoning at the TABLE TABLE TABLE... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.games.board,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "lubricating" plastic game pieces? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:29:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In rec.games.board and alt.religion.kibology, Mike Schneidr (mike1@winternet.com) wrote: > > [...] Just squirt powder over the thing and shove it into the cracks, > rotate it around liberally, and blow the excess off. POOR SPOT! All he was trying to do was to get his "Mousetrap" game to function correctly more than 15% of the time, and not make any wacky noises, and suddenly he found himself in a relationship with Monica Lewinsky, Madonna, and Jack Benny at the same time. Spot cried! Then the giant mouse cage fell on him. The giant mouse laughed cruelly, blowing Spanish Fly powder into Spot's face. -- K. DID I MENTION I RECENTLY HAD THE FLU? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A further explanation Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 09:20:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com ) wrote: > > > > P.S. Other Utah news: They spilled a lot of liquid hydrogen by my > > house. But I'm ok. YOU GOT YOUR LIQUID HYDROGEN IN MY PEANUT BUTTER!!! Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > For some reason this reminds me of a holiday classic: > > We three kings of Orient are > Tried to smoke a rubber cigar > It was loaded and exploded > Now we're on yonder star That was performed by the dynamic duo of Shatner & Nimoy in the episode titled "Plato's Retarded Little Brother" by Shari Lewis and Walter Koenig, right? The episode ends with Kirk saying to Ensign Lupus, "Set course... YONDER, BOY!!!" That was back before Gene Roddenberry said you had to have reached puberty or be as tall as the sign to fly the Enterprise, which is why they fired Walter Koenig and he took up writing and cranked out masterpieces such as "Buck Alice And The Actor Robot In The 25th Century" and "Chekov: A Terrible Aspect". Oh dear, I think Matt needs to explain all that. > I am NOT going to say anything else about loads and rubber cigars. I think that instead of making toddlers wear rubber pants they should just be made to live in rubber houses than can be hosed down by the Government. Can you tell I have the flu? I can't say things like that well. Well, I can't say well that well when I am well. > Anyway, you should have saved the hydrogen and started your own space > program, like in that show with Andy Griffith, only you would have needed > Mono-Hydrazine. Not to mention some of that opaque green motor oil which comes out of garbage subjected to your secret bacteria. > And you would have to use the Trans-Linear Vector System > which is much smarter than the dumb old physics they use at NASA. Because NASA was founded in 1958 and they just coasted all the way to the present day, but the TLVS keeps accelerating all the way to the Moon until the moment of landing, so you come down so hard you don't bounce!!! > I know all about space 'cause my moon car won an honorable mention > on Pixeltime. As the little floating head from the Atari 2600 version of Racter says: --> THE ASTRONAUT MOON CAR WINS AN HONORABLE MENTION! --> mmcirvin@world.std.com, YOU HAVE TRUE TALENT AND A CLASSY, FUTURISTIC --> VISION! VERILY, I WISH WE LIVED IN A WORLD OF YOUR DEVISING! I note that Matt was attempting to draw a photo-realistic version of a 1970-era lunar rover, like the one that Dave Foley used to run over his camera before he quit the Kids In The Hall and joined Mr. Show because the Kids In The Hall weren't open to the idea of the cast members all being married. To each other. So anyway, I think the little Pez dispenser head was being sarcastic. Or, to be more precise, carsastic. Matt, I'm going to CC: this to Mike Jittlov so that you can explain all this to him, and to point out that you can beat him at both Battle-Girl and Pixeltime. -- K. I hated it when Bill Cosby would sing the Pixeltime theme song because it meant that the next segment of "Captain Kangaroo" would be that guy in the pink leotard who was supposed to be inside-out, and his rectum came out just above his crotch... in front. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A further explanation Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:23:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I hated it when Bill Cosby would sing the Pixeltime theme song > > because it meant that the next segment of "Captain Kangaroo" would > > be that guy in the pink leotard who was supposed to be inside-out, > > and his rectum came out just above his crotch... in front. > > > Those who love the law or Slim Goodbody should not watch either being made. I liked the "Star Trek" episode where Spock hijacked the Enterprise (after giving all 430 crew members the Vulcan Nerve Pinch at the same time) so he could take his former captain, Christopher Reeve, to that planet where the Talosians tried to breed Spock with Slim Goodbody, but they couldn't because when Slim Goodbody's ship crashed there, THEY HAD NO GUIDE FOR PUTTING HIM BACK TOGETHER EXCEPT HIS RETARDED LEOTARD! Then Spock asked the computer to compute all the digits of pi and Majel Barrett read them all aloud in her Dalek voice. Then she read them again and yelled, "PATTERNS ARE!!! -- IDENTICAL!!! -- IDENTICAL!!!" and Spock put his fingers on Slim Goodbody's external kidney to do a Vulcan Kidney Meld, followed by the Vulcan Jell-O Mold, which is a form of penicillin, which made Slim Goodbody cry because HE HAD NO PENIC!!! Oh, yeah, also there were all these cutaway inserts of Kirk screaming like a girl but he wasn't actually in the episode otherwise, because they had already used up their Dopiness Budget. -- K. I WILL NOT RATION MY DOPINESS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A further explanation Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 05:07:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > Ok, so everyone probably knows the First Theorom of Mediocrity. > Namely, that the most mediocre mass culture is always the most > popular. Hence MicroSoft! Hence McDonalds! If the Spice Girls were > as bad as I say they are, nobody would like them. But if they got any > better, people wouldn't like them either [...] > > After looking at that solid data I just made up, I'm sure you're > massively convinced. And now...THE SECOND THEOREM OF MEDIOCRITY! > > PEOPLE AGREE ABOUT THE MEDIOCRITY OF MEDIOCRE POP CULTURE. REALLY > CRAPPY OR REALLY WONDERFUL POP CULTURE GETS MIXED REVIEWS. > > [...] > > Actually, Kibo had a better theory of pop culture. It was about how > the crappier something is, the more its fans are devoted to it. The > search "people like something seaquest orgasm" should have found that > post, but it didn't, so I guess I have some growing up to do. Hey, I never said I LIKED SOMETHING SEAQUEST ORGASM!!! I can't find that article either, but it was basically that observation -- the fewer people who like a given piece of crap, the more vociferously they'll like it. Look at "seaQuest" or "Blakes7". Of course, that theory doesn't explain "Titanic", but that's made up by the fact that it explains this: //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: TheWraith@mindless.com Subject: Small Wonder: bum raps for a good show Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion X-Http-User-Agent: Mozilla/4.05 (Macintosh; U; PPC) Date: Mon, 22 Jun 1998 22:25:44 GMT First off, Small Wonder had a live mixed adult studio audience not any laugh track. . . You know, you can knock this show all ya want but the fact is (Sci-Fi Channel's) remains that more sci-fi fans watched it than Earth-2 and ALF and it's one of the more memorable shows fromthe eighties. Sure. I'm a Vicki fan (I'm also a deep ER and NYPD Blue fan too) and like lots of sci-fi fans coming out of the closet to admit they watched Small Wonder I mas disappointed that they didn't seriously follow through with the great sci-fi potential that the show's unique premise had. In that point it was usually pretty juvenile, I agree, but that didn't make it bad or the least thought provoking at times. It's a very hard sci-fi concept to do. In fact there's very few sci-fi books into the ramifications of domestic androids in the house and affecting a family even though every indicator says they'll be in there when the technology happens. Small Wonder at least tried to pose the question of what it'd be like. If you read the stuff in the Small Wonder home page you'll see how lots of top sci-fi writers on the Small Wonder moved on The Twilight Zone and Amazing Stories and ST:TNG and how some of Commander Data's technical terms come from Small Wonder.For all it's faults I'm glad Small Wonder happened because maybe someone will try it again and do it right this time. You don't have be an Einstein to knom it's a very tough show to do and most actor or actress playing robots risk being stereotyped out of a career just like Tiffany Brissette was, and she was listed as a Variety mag hot new child talent, and that's also why Robert Foxworth and Julie Newmar had misgivings of starring as robots too. The Wraith -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- http://www.dejanews.com/ Now offering spam-free web-based newsreading //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// And let's not forget that this knowledge can, nay, MUST, be harnessed for evil purposes! From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: SOS (Save Our seaQuest) Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest, alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 20 Oct 1997 04:29:26 GMT Mike Lee wrote: > > I think that NBC should bring back seaQuest or Sci-Fi should make > seaQuest 7 times a week!!! How about everyone that reads this boycott > NBC and force them to bring back seaQuest!!! I think that it was stupid > of NBC to give up on them!!! Everyone keep this thread going and spread > the word of this!!! Keep this going until they bring back seaQuest!!! > I would like to see some new episodes too!! Well that does it!!! Nobody posted to this thread for a whole day!!! Now it's hopeless, seaQuest will never get back on the air ever again!!! I hope you people in alt.tv.seaquest are happy!!! You killed seaQuest forever!!! It's a shame the people in alt.tv.seaquest don't care about seaQuest as much as I do!!! -- K. P.S. Besides if they brought it back it would screw up my "Save Small Wonder" campaign!!! Also keep posting until they put Bergess Meredith back on TV!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A plea Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 09:05:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Dear Christmas, > > Please stop. > > Thanks. Dear Christmas, I apologize for my little sister Leah tinkling all over you last year. But that didn't mean it was okay for you put a rapidly rotating black hole in her stocking last year either. Please give her back her arms or at least make them re-emerge into normal space before the year 15,000. Also Spot says he wants to thank you for giving him a gift-wrapped wedgie. The End. Your Only Pal, Kibo. P. S. Are two letters of the alphabet. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 08:45:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In an article posted at radix.net, "Not Leah Verre" wrote: > > Leah Verre (fleabite@duh.seanet.com) wrote: > > > > PLEZ ADD ME 2 THE LISZT. > > Dear Ms. Leah: > > [...] > > Also, someone with a six-figure > book deal from Disney asked me for my > phone number. Do I give it to her? And > if so, how do I explain Kibo to a real > grown-up? Kibo is like Disneyland all rolled up into a little ball and jammed in between the hemispheres of your brain with a side order of cilantro-flavored cotton candy. > Please advise. > > Yours, > > Durian Deuterium I really liked it when you put Jane Fonda inside that giant butt harp and then John Thomas Legal-Law carried her away and said "an angel has no memory!" while she stuck her Colt .45 in his diaper. ANY SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE WITH PEOPLE WEARING DIAPERS IN THE FUTURE IS PROPHETIC BECAUSE SOMEDAY SOON WE WILL ALL BE OLD ENOUGH THAT WE'LL BE REQUIRED BY LAW TO WEAR DIAPERS!!! -- K. a.k.a Yrettub Ytterbium ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:15:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@duh.seanet.com) wrote: > > Mumthra (some person at radix.net) wrote: > > > > I would like to file an insurance claim for Dog Fart Damage. > > > > Dammit. > > PLEZ ADD ME 2 THE LISZT. > > For Pootative damages. Hey! Why are all you people doing doodie-doo humor here and now? I NEVER DO DOODIE-DOO HUMOR!!! > Because, not only do they not know or not care that it's not bacon, they > don't know or care when it happens to be sawdust, tanning lotion, bars of > soap, durian, or goat testicles. > All of which, after traveling through the canine intestinal maze, are reborn > again in the form of HORRIFYING emissions. SCIENCE FICTION THEATRE a LEMPEL-WELCH production tonight's episode: THE SOUND OF SMELL -- or -- EMISSION: HORRIFYING MUSIC: VERY LOUD TRUMPET FANFARE (CAMERA PANS ACROSS a science lab which looks like it has been colorized but it actually is those colors which are all tints of gray that bleed onto each other. An oscilloscope is displaying a straight line, and a salad colander with the holes in a "Star of David" pattern is revolving as it stands on a Fisher-Price Close'N'Play record player as a hand coming from beneath the laboratory bench holds down the secret button that fools it into thinking it's closed. The colander is filled with ball-and-stick molecular models which are connected all wrong, with a cardboard Tinkertoy flag attached.) CUT TO: TRUMAN BRADLEY Good evening, ladies and (SPLICE) something interesting over at my laboratory table. (JUMP-CUT to TRUMAN standing on the laboratory table. He points to a cardboard box with air holes painted on it.) TRUMAN BRADLEY One day there will be a new breed of laboratory scientist. The humble household dog. And in addition to dogs, the Man Of Science will be joined by Wo-Man. Yes, one day in the near future women will be allowed to work in science labs alongside men, as their secretaries. Tonight's story is a far-out tale of one woman who practices science in the privacy of her own dog. Tonight we will meet Miss Leah Verre, who is at this moment feeding her dog everything in the world in alphabetical order to check how his farts smell under all possible circumstances. But first, let's cancel this series. ANNOUNCER (voice-over) Because women are not yet allowed to be shown practicing science on TV, "Science Fiction Theatre" has been cancelled. Instead please watch this test pattern. TEST PATTERN Dooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee................. MUSIC: VERY LOUD TRUMPET FANFARE THAT COMPLETELY DROWNS OUT THE TEST PATTERN NOISE. SOMEWHERE A DOG HOWLS, THEN FARTS. IT SMELLS LIKE LEMON. THE END. > -Llllll > Thank heavens rabbits don't poot. They just doot. Dogs don't doot because Donny Don't does doot where dogs don't. Also I think if Little Billy was an incontinent rabbit it wouldn't make any difference in those "Family Circus" strips where he leaves a dooted trail. -- K. I ALREADY SAID, I'M SICK THIS WEEK!!! P.S. Anyone else old enough to remember the original Tinkertoys which had the dowel rods, the wooden nodes, and a heaping portion of GREEN CARDBOARD TRAPEZOIDS that served no conceivable purpose? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 04:04:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. Anyone else old enough to remember the original Tinkertoys which > > had the dowel rods, the wooden nodes, and a heaping portion of > > GREEN CARDBOARD TRAPEZOIDS that served no conceivable purpose? > > Since I am older than everybody, I guess it is up to me to remember > that those gREEN tRAPEZOID pieces of cardboard fit into the slots at the > ends of the 1/4-inch dowels that fit, 8 at a time, into the larger > cylinder with a 5/16" thru hole so it would spin on another dowel and be > a real windmill! You could twist the dowels to get a good pitch and > that sucker would spin pretty fast out in the wind. The only problem with that theory, of course, is that everyone knows that the parts joined by means of FRICTION-FITTING, which means it would be impossible for the thing to spin without it STARTING A BOY SCOUT FIRE THE HARD WAY, and we know that that is IMPOSSIBLE!!! > Until one day I got the idea to take it along in the back seat of our > '37 Chevvy and opened the rear window. The 50-mph blast caused the > windmill to spin so fast that I learned about the mythical centrifugal > force concept as pieces of Tinkertoy shrapnelized the upholstery. > Several pieces were still in that car when we traded it in for a > brand-new 1942 model. Well, that's what you get for living in the olden days. Now you could just take your Tinkertoys on a high-speed electric bus and stick them out the window while you're getting beaten up for playing with Tinkertoys. -- K. Spot's not allowed to play with Tinkertoys, he has to use Stinkertoys. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 22:09:08 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.superfluous.com) wrote: > > [re elderly Tinkertoys of the fifties] > > Mine had the tin screw-on top in the cardboard tube which we hid the > kitty in when Ma wasn't around. Big deal. We hid Ma in ours when the kitty WAS around. Also, I don't like the new Tinkertoy packages with the pull-tab top where you can't even save up the pull tabs to get a free dialysis machine to use on your kitty!!! -- K. I tried to redeem all my pull-tabs at Mohegan Sun but they just laughed at me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 08:59:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote a story which I snipped. > But I left this bit here: > > > > MUSIC: VERY LOUD TRUMPET FANFARE THAT COMPLETELY DROWNS OUT THE TEST > > PATTERN NOISE. SOMEWHERE A DOG HOWLS, THEN FARTS. IT SMELLS LIKE LEMON. > > OH YEAH RIGHT! > Find me a dog that poots lemon. Easy. Just turn Dennis Miller into a dog. DIFFICULTY OF THIS REFERENCE: 584.00 -- OVER ONE TO THE FOURTH POWER TIMES THE McIRVIN LIMIT! It's filed next to "the Vibratory Synod". -- K. P.S. "TV Guide" has resumed printing letters from readers, yay. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 08:44:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor E Teflon Piano (rgriffiths@ubmail.ubalt.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. Anyone else old enough to remember the original Tinkertoys which > > had the dowel rods, the wooden nodes, and a heaping portion of > > GREEN CARDBOARD TRAPEZOIDS that served no conceivable purpose? > > And came in a screw-top cardboard tube with a tin screw-top, which made > an excellent Ricky Ricardo drum after the entertainment possibilities of > the contents of the drum were exhausted, ie. about two seconds after you > realized that it was going to take more effort than it was worth to make a > working copy of the Windmill with green fins pictured on the container; Yeah, except that it always sent flakes of rusted-off chrome plating flying up into your eyes. Remember the olden days when things were ACTUALLY chrome-plated? (I have a neat RenderMan shader that can animate flaking chrome plating provided you move your object through the time dimension.) Wait -- are you saying that in your childhood you were Little Ricky, or worse, Desi Arnaz Junior? YOU'RE THE WORLD'S FIRST TRULY OPEN-MOUTHED MAN! > which reminds us, the Quaker Oats people have got a lot to answer for by > screwing up the Quaker Oats drum by putting a rolled edge in the bottom > seam to support a loosely-fitting concave bottom, instead of a > molded-and-glued bottom. When QO revised the container recently, it went > from a molded cardboard overfitting-top to an all-plastic inset lid, which > was actually acoustically superior to the old all-cardboard container. > Then some bean-counter started fooling around and made the top lid > *composite* -- plastic rim with cardboard interior panel. And that Damned > rolled-edge bottom seam. I like the new kind that come in the little Tyvek envelopes with the dinosaur eggs made out of brown sugar and/or bacteria which dissolve when you add lukewarm water to reveal tiny pink blobs that could be dinosaurs except they're the wrong color, size, and shape, and don't look cool. > And don't get us started on Donald Duck orange juice cans. How about those faux Lucky Charms where all the marshmallows are these abstract scalene shapes to avoid a lawsuit (like the red hexagon where two sides are too long, and the swirly pentagon with a bump) and they never tell you what the hell God intended them to be? I remember the olden days when there were ONLY FOUR LUCKY CHARMS MARSHMALLOWS -- pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, AND NO BLUE DIAMONDS! NO PURPLE HORSESHOES! NO RED BALLOONS! NO SWIRLY WHALES! NO GREEN TREES! NO HATS WITH STARS INSIDE! AND ESPECIALLY NONE OF THESE "AROUND-THE-WORLD" MARSHMALLOWS THAT MAKE YOU SAY "MMM! I WANNA LICK THESE AROUND-THE-WORLD STYLE!" AND ALSO COUNT CHOCULA AND FRANKENBERRY HAD CIRCULAR CEREAL BITS AND MARSHMALLOWS SHAPED LIKE NORMAL MARSHMALLOWS, NOT LIKE THINGS!!! Also, Old El Paso now has an "Extra Mild" salsa. The color coding breaks down thusly: "HOT" red some jalape–os "MEDIUM" yellow almost no jalape–os "MILD" green no jalape–os "EXTRA MILD" blue no tomatoes ...and, just to annoy the marketers, at the Calumet Market, they have those new "FLAVOR-BLASTED" Pepperidge Farm Goldfish that come in a milk carton and not normal packaging because you can find them with the potato chips, according to the commercials, and yet the Calumet MUST BE CRAZY because they put them with the REGULAR GOLDFISH!!! And those are both across the aisle from the potato chips!!! THE WORLD'S GONE CRAZY I TELLS YA!!! -- K. I'm a space hippie AND a space viking! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: another Lucky thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:11:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > WAIT A MINUTE! > > > > Blue diamonds weren't part of the original Lucky Charms? > > of course not! > > you must not have watched commercials in the '60s. > > I INSIST THAT YOU CLIMB INSIDE THE '60s RIGHT NOW > AND WATCH COMMERCIALS, YOUNG MAN! Okay, if I may change the subject from TV commercials of a decade to TV commercials about a decade, let me just complain about another one I've been seeing all night every night for the past three months: "Here's the nineties way to trim a beard." (guy with scissors.) "The eighteen-nineties." (harpsichord waltz music played at half speed, just like everyone danced to all the time before Abraham Lincoln invented TV) (the guy wipes the fog off the mirror to reveal that he has a super-cool Brian Bosworth-style haircut and is using an electric razor. As the announce extols the virtues of this 1990s electric razor, the music changes to the "Real Rap Beat" that came out of Mattel's Rappin' Ken boom box.) Now... the music in that commercial... in both time zones... They could have paid ten bucks for a stock CD of 1890s music and bad rap music, but no, they had to hire someone to play a harpsichord with one finger and then hit the "SOFT RAP-STYLE FILL-IN" button on a Casio keyboard the size of a kazoo. The sort of rap-like beat they used was not unlike the electronic sunglasses for kids I once saw which had a rap beat with three buttons you could hit to make your child-size green eyeglasses say "RAP ME, BABY!" / "IT'S LIVE JIVE!" / "I'M A REAL COOL CAT!" Twenty-three skidoo! Now if you'll excuse me I've got to go back to my old-tymey sepia-tone underwater harpsichord waltz at half speed. -- K. The modern equivalent of "twenty-three skiddoo" is hereby declared to be "Have a happy dot-com!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:36:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, Old El Paso now has an "Extra Mild" salsa. The color coding breaks > > down thusly: > > > > "HOT" red some jalape–os > > "MEDIUM" yellow almost no jalape–os > > "MILD" green no jalape–os > > "EXTRA MILD" blue no tomatoes I just remembered that this (I think) is the brand that has the little jalape–o-shaped thermometer on the back to graphically demonstrate that there is no hot pepper in the "MILD" flavor, so I'm going to have to go look at a back of one of the blue jars to see if there's a red line hanging down from the bottom of the transparent glass pepper. > GOLDEN LID ... jalapeno contents accurate to within 5% > SILVERY LID ... jalapano contents accurate to within 10% > NO LID ... made of people Of course, given that the yellow lid kind contains 0.01% jalape–os, this means that a yellow lid with a silver stripe means it may contain as little as negative 9.99% jalape–os, which would taste just like saccharin -- "A BILLION TIMES SWEETER THAN SUGAR, SO SWEET THAT IT WOULD TASTE BITTER! BUY SACCHARIN NOW! ALWAYS PUT SACCHARIN IN YOUR EYES!" > By the way, any of you tried "Pure Cap" yet? It's being marketed > as "pure capsaicin extract plus some extender added", which is a > bozotic description, but it's supposed to be good at making > commercial "hot" sauces, hot. Hmm. You know where they get that? The habanero peppers at the Prudential Star Market. A habanero, the world's hottest pepper, is something on the order of 250,000 to 300,000 parts per million (!) capsaicin. So I bought one put on my rubber gloves and put barrier tape around the area and poured myself three glasses of chocolate milk arranged at strategic locations between me and anywhere I might go if I went insane, then I cut off a tiny piece of it and put it on my tongue. It tasted like a cubanelle, only milder. Sort of like a green bell pepper that had been sitting in the sun too long. STAR SELLS CASTRATED HABANEROS!!! The things had been sitting in the market so long that they had started to dissolve themselves -- some of the ones in the bottom of the bin had had their lower halves turn clear as the dead capsaicin killed them from autoerotic dysolvixia. Anyway, all the capsaicin was gone by the time I got there and bought the completely mild habanero. So I think it went into "Pure Cap". Either that or into that arthritis medicine they keep advertising on TV with "capsaicin P", which I suspect means that someone eats some spicy food and then pees on the pills. "P", the secret ingredient that can go from a single letter to bathroom humor in two point three seconds! > Paul Guertin > pg@sff.net P.S. Plz rmv th nly vwl frm yr ddrss. -- K. I think the colors of Froot Loops should mean the same thing they do on Old El Paso salsa lids. MMM, CAPSAICINNAMON SWIRL!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 04:01:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How about those faux Lucky Charms where all the marshmallows are these > > abstract scalene shapes to avoid a lawsuit (like the red hexagon where > > two sides are too long, and the swirly pentagon with a bump) and they > > never tell you what the hell God intended them to be? I remember the > > olden days when there were ONLY FOUR LUCKY CHARMS MARSHMALLOWS -- > > pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, AND NO BLUE > > DIAMONDS! NO PURPLE HORSESHOES! NO RED BALLOONS! NO SWIRLY WHALES! > > WAIT A MINUTE! > > Blue diamonds weren't part of the original Lucky Charms? Yes. They added them circa 1973. In fact, originally, it didn't have any marshmallows, just crackers. And Fruity Pebbles had real fruit in it, which was offset by the real pebbles. BTW, when Yucky Charms had only the pink/orange/yellow/green marshmallows, Post Fruity Pebbles, Trix, and Froot Loops only came in red/orange/yellow, no purple or green or blue. And Quisp came in that box they've started using again this spring. And so did Quake. AND AT THAT TIME QUAKE DIDN'T ALLOW PEOPLE FROM ID.COM TO HACK YOUR COMPUTER REMOTELY!!! > The first marshmallow I remember being added was the purple horseshoe, That was when I was in HIGH SCHOOL, you baby. I remember because they called an assembly to announce it! > back when kids cereal cartoons had cliffhangers and we had to guess > what the mystery shape was going to be at the same time we wondered > whether the Trix rabbit's plan would work next week.... > > I must have either stopped when they got to the swirly whales or > blocked them out of my mind like Vanilla Ice. Everyone wanted to > save the whales because of that star track movie. > > I haven't trusted cereal commercials since Grape Nuts. "Try it for > a week." Yeah, if my teeth hold out. And one of my favorite cereals > since I was a kid is Quaker Crunchy Corn Bran, in the yellow box. > There were no ads for it, it was surprisingly good, and it had "bran" > in the title so that means it's extra-healthy. But it tasted like UNSHAVED CARDBOARD. I think it's actually burlap bran. It is the world's worst cereal, and yes, I've had the original "Kaboom" and "King Vitaman" and even "Uncle Sam, The Laxative Cereal". Not to mention some Russian fake Froot Loops (which are all one flavor -- the same as Quaker Corn Bran, only sweetened with the Russian knockoff of Nutrasweet, "Alfasweet".) SO DON'T TRY TO HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT SUCKY CEREALS NOT SUCKING AROUND ME!!! I only bought it 'cause the sign said EXPORT CERIALS - MADE TO SELL FORLOT RUBBLES and because I don't know what Alfasweet is, but it's from Russia so it must be good to put into your body. Also, they were out of Post Fruity Rubble. > Though my favorite cereal most recently is the mega-fattening Reese's > cereal, which my parents tend not to buy anymore. And that's why > I want to move out soon. But then NOBODY will buy cereal for you. AND I BET THAT GUY ON THE QUAKER OATS BOX IS YOUR MOM!!!! You just missed a "Laverne & Shirley" episode where the plot was that her nerdy Trekkie friend started a disco band and they played disco music, the end! I did not leave the plot out, that WAS the plot. THE END!!! -- K. Also the kid on the Russian ceral box could be you, except that he could also be a girl. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:48:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But it [Quaker Corn Bran] tasted like UNSHAVED CARDBOARD. > > Dear Kibo: Open box before trying to eat cereal. Box? I got the cheap kind that comes in a bag! Well, not a bag, really. What do you call one of those things which is like a bag only open at all three ends and kind of gelatinous and filled with Corn Bran? > P.S.: Sorry I haven't been posting anything funny lately, but I > don't have the flu. Tell you what, I can rub some Corn Bran all over my face and mail it to you. MMM, NEW IMPROVED CORN BRAN WITH KIBO MICROBES! -- K. A virus isn't actually a microbe but "microbe" sounds funny, like in "Microbe Center" or "Mr. Microbephone". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:50:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wondered: > > > > What do you call one of those things which is like a bag only open at all > > three ends and kind of gelatinous and filled with Corn Bran? > > Nick Bensema's stomach. Well, then, I am *never* buying another one of those. -- K. By the way -- and we will *never* get tired of saying this -- HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:45:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) was boggled by Nick's assertion > that his favorite childhood cereal was Quaker Corn Bran: > > > > But it tasted like UNSHAVED CARDBOARD. I think it's actually > > burlap bran. It is the world's worst cereal, and yes, I've had > > the original "Kaboom" and "King Vitaman" and even "Uncle Sam, The > > Laxative Cereal". Not to mention some Russian fake Froot Loops > > It's definitely sweeter than unshaved cardboard. I guess it's > like durians, SOMEONE out there has to like it, and that someone is me. And, you know my pop-culture theory: The fewer people who think it tastes good, the more those people will like it. This explains the stories of people spending their life savings on their durian addictions in Singapore. And why you, an otherwise normal full-grown adult on the verge of graduating from high school, would like Quaker Corn Bran. However, it does not explain the one Pel-Freez Frozen Rabbit in the soggy cardboard box covered with six inches of frost whiskers in the back corner of every supermarket. > > You just missed a "Laverne & Shirley" episode where the plot was that > > her nerdy Trekkie friend started a disco band and they played disco music, > > the end! I did not leave the plot out, that WAS the plot. THE END!!! > > Oh, I get it. So Laverne and Shirley DIDN'T take place in the > fifties. Thanks for clearing that up. Have you met Lee Bumgarner? He has a new theory that there used to be a fifth Spice Girl who ALSO wore too much makeup. -- K. So does anyone like Flutie Flakes? THEY TASTE LIKE FOOTBALL!!! /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: AOL in my Chex cereal! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.cereal Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 18:14:09 GMT Lance Olkovick (lolkovic@sfu.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In [news.admin.net-abuse.usenet/email], chris@greenapple.com wrote: > > > > > > AOL has a rather interesting new marketing tool -I found a CD in > > > the box of Corn Chex that I purchased today! > > What were they thinking?! That could be dangerous! If I were you, I'd > swallow the CD whole, then I'd SUE THE BASTARDS! (AOL, that is; don't > sue General Mills, the makers of Chex, CDs, and other fine breakfast > products.) But first use a magic marker to color the edges of your stomach green to make it digest the CD faster. That's all those speedy new 2X CD-ROM players are... 1X ones with a GREEN MARKER ATTACHED TO THE SPINDLE! > > That's nothing. I found a Cheerio in the box of Super Golden Frosted CDs I > > was eating for dinner at midnight while watching NBC's "seaQuest DSV" > > today. > > Cheerios is also made by General Mills. Kibo should SUE THE BASTARDS! General Mills vs. General Electric vs. General Semantics in a no-holds-barred JELL-O WRESTLING MATCH, sponsored by ROYAL GELATIN! > (NBC, that is, for reckless indifference: if they were at all > sensitive to their viewer's needs they'd know that, since Kibo lost > his job, SeaQuest should be on twenty-four hours a day, not just at > midnight on weekdays.) I haven't lost it *yet*. They just gave me three months advance notice that I was being laid off to ensure that I would dedicate the remaining three months to working really hard. La la la la. I'm posting to Usenet. La la la la la la la. I need to announce the BIG SURPRISE PARTY (surprise to my office-mates, that is) here soon. > > > This is slick - the CD has their software plus 50 free hours of > > > usage. Included on the CD is a children's game called CHEX QUEST > > > (think DOOM for five-year-olds). You can kill the Flemoids and > > > have a healthy breakfast, too. > > > > It's only healthy if you spend your whole morning killing Flemoids so that > > you don't have time to eat the little Brillo bricks that Chex calls > > "cereal". > > Chex are fine as long as you put enough icing sugar on them -- at > least 1 tablespoon per Chek. Do NOT buy something called Ancient > Grains. It's made from grains that have not been used since the > beginning of the Neolithic -- and for good reason: Could be worse. Could be the Coprolithic. Could be the beginning of Beethoven's First Coprolithic Movement. > it tastes how I > imagine unsweetened flakes of particle board would taste, and it can Ah, Quaker Corn Bran. Not to mention their new Burlap Bran and Horse Hair Bran. > have very untoward effects on one's gastrointestinal tract. Believe > me, to eat Ancient Grains you pretty well need the ancient bowels that > our ancestors had. Brings a new meaning to the phrase "Serving size: 1 bowel". For those of us in Boston, how about candlepin boweling? That would be worse because the Ancient Grains would still scrape your intestinal lining off but also you'd never get a strike. > > Besides, I always thought Doom *was* for five-year-olds! > > > > > The game "contains technology licensed from ID Software", > > > according to the package, and Quest II is available free at > > > http://www.chexquest.com > > > > The pictures of the hero, "Chexster", are truly terrifying. > > Chexster is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, though it's hard to > recognize him in that costume. Yeah, but who plays Arnold? C. C. H. Pounder!!! > > Folks, *THIS* is the sort of picture the alt.religion.kibology anthologies > > need more of before they can be put to bed. > > > That web site is truly precious. I quote from the "Character Biographies" page: > > > THE INTERGALACTIC FEDERATION OF CEREALS (IFC) > > The Intergalactic Federation of Cereals (IFC) was created following the > > Cold (Cereal) Wars in the early part of the 2nd millenium. With the > > exception of occasional skirmishes along several deep space quadrants, > > peace and free trade has prevailed throughout the modern universe. > > Today the IFC is led by its Senior Cereal Council, which is responsible > > for security, planetoid grievances and astro-blobule warnings. > > There'll be hell to pay when the Klingons find out that the Federation > is now allied with an intergalactic cereal manufacturer. No, no, no. You were supposed to be Ted Frank and you were supposed to cross-post this to soc.org.fraternities and say the IFC was a bunch of losers who can't beat a five-year-old at Doom. > There'll also be hell to pay when General Mills reads Kibo's post. I > guess Kibo didn't read the > > ********************************************************************** > Legal Stuff > > In order to use this site, you must first agree to these ground rules. > > > General Mills laid out some hard cash to bring you this awesome site, > download an e-copy of the materials on any single computer for your > personal, non-commercial home use, but remember to keep the copyright > notice ((c)1996 General Mills). Modification of the materials on this > site or use of the materials for any other purpose is a violation of > ********************************************************************** Note that, in this encoding, a triple quote would be \666. He said, "She told me, 'Why did you say '''this is confoozling?''' ' " > Haw, haw. Kibo is in big trouble now. He posted sooper sekrit stuff > from General Mills' site. Haw, haw. Haw, haw.... D'OH! It's not SOOPER SEKRIT. It's SEEREUL SEKRIT. SOOPER SEKRIT would be the reason why all the little "T"s in the can of Campbell's Alphabet Soup get broken but the "H"s don't. Not even the GIANT Hs! Whereas, Alpha-Bits has a different letter distribution. As I told you all back around 1992. When the mouse was living in my stove. > > > And you all thought that the free AOL floppies were a thing of > > > the past......... > > > > Free? Some people bought a whole box of cereal just to get one! > > I just bought a dumpster-size box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes because it > had a 3D Batman flicker stuck to it. I haven't seen the latest Batman > movie and I don't particularly like the cereal box picture but, hey, > it's THREE DEE!!! If you had a third eye you could see in FOUR DEE. And if you had a Super Nintendo you could see TWO AND A HALF DEE, in which everything is an INFINITELY COMPLEX FRACTAL MOUNTAIN made of BURLAP BRAN! [Wesley's mom got sucked into her son's cereal vortex.] "Computer, what is the nature of the Universe?" "The Universe is an infinitely complex fractal mountain seventy-two meters in diameter, filled with burlap bran." "I SEE... TWO... DOTS!" > Here's a 3D representation of the *new* KIBO cereal: > (to see 3D, focus beyond the screen till the 2 crosses merge) > > > > + + > $ :) * * $ :) * * > K I B O K I B O > * :) $ * :) $ Matt McIrvin will now do a 3-D version of the Indent-O-Meter that measures your screen's depth of field. (After all, there has to be SOME reason I'm using RenderMan as a news reader.) > See how KIBO floats above the marshmallow stars, smilies, and dollar > signs? It's just like the real-life Kibo. Notice how KIBO is at the > same level as the cross: KIBO even has theological implications, just > like the summer blockbuster movie _Contact_. But unlike _Contact_, > KIBO doesn't get soggy in milk. We don't know if Contact gets soggy in milk. But we can infer this because it gets crispy in anti-milk. As Democritus of Alexandria said while looking at the ancient heavens... (Kibo turns into Carl Sagan and dies. Then he gets better.) That was a close call! (feels his head to make sure it's not butt-shaped.) I almost became Carl Sagan, noted astrologer! > -- > Lance (A close personal friend of Admiral Wheet) > > > CONTACT CONTACT > + + > . . . . > * * . * * . > * . * . > . * * . * * > . . . . > . * * . * * The only way to decode this message is to hold it so that all the dots and stars line up in a straight line. Then it will spell out "______________________", and Charles Nelson Reilly will say: "WEE-WEE... IN SPACE!" And then Gene Rayburn will laugh, and then that strange ridge across his forehead will have a thought, and he'll pick up a big bone and throw it into the air. And Slim Pickens will be riding on that bone, waving his hat and screaming "YEEEEEEEE-HAW! YEEEEEEEEE-HAW! I SEE TWO DOTS! I WET 'EM! WEEEEEEEEE-WEE!" And then every member of the audience will drop dead, and Stanley Kubrick will go to a long, narrow white plastic jail with geometric furniture and people who do not display facial expressions. -- K. Displaying a facial explosion. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 04:05:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor And now, ladies and gentlemen, I will reply to four replies to my post simultaneously in QUADRAPHONIC STUPIDITY! Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And, you know my pop-culture theory: > > > > The fewer people who think it tastes good, > > the more those people will like it. > > > > This explains the stories of people spending their life savings on their > > durian addictions in Singapore. And why you, an otherwise normal > > full-grown adult on the verge of graduating from high school, would > > like Quaker Corn Bran. > > College, dude. And in no way otherwise normal. You went to college without graduating from high school? Wow, the standards are really slipping there at Case Western. You should transfer to Simon Fraser, because they wrote my favorite Usenet newsreader. > Then why isn't there at least ONE Usenet kook out there who has > dedicated his life to searching the country for the few remaining > boxes of Urkel-O's? Hey! I am not a kook! And also I'm only searching the EASTERN United States to find the remaining boxes of Urkel-Os in the EAST, while in the WEST I'm looking for all the remaining copies of Manly Bannister's "Conquest Of Earth". And in the middle, I'm looking for an honest man with a WebTV and no brain damage. > > However, it does not explain the one Pel-Freez Frozen Rabbit in the > > soggy cardboard box covered with six inches of frost whiskers in the > > back corner of every supermarket. > > That's a monitoring device. It's the only explanation. It sends out a warning tone if someone who likes to eat cute bunnies picks it up, then releases a cloud of toxic gas. This is all it does. It is quite enough. Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just remembered that this (I think) is the brand that has the little > > jalape–o-shaped thermometer on the back to graphically demonstrate > > that there is no hot pepper in the "MILD" flavor, so I'm going to have > > to go look at a back of one of the blue jars to see if there's a red > > line hanging down from the bottom of the transparent glass pepper. > > Not everyone is so considerate, which is why I always carry a big > candy thermometer with me when I buy salsa, so as to avoid unpleasant > suprises. You're Richard Stallman, aren't you? I still say Simon Fraser writes better newsreaders than you. > Batteries too. I like to touch the batteries to my tongue and then touch the salsa to the battery and if touching the salsa to the battery hurts my tongue as much as touching the battery to my tongue did then I know that I don't need any salsa that day, and more importantly, that it's time to put down my axe and get out the gun. Brian Eable (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I just remembered that this (I think) is the brand that has the little > > > jalape–o-shaped thermometer on the back to graphically demonstrate > > > that there is no hot pepper in the "MILD" flavor, so I'm going to have > > > to go look at a back of one of the blue jars to see if there's a red > > > line hanging down from the bottom of the transparent glass pepper. > > > > Not everyone is so considerate, which is why I always carry a big > > candy thermometer with me when I buy salsa, so as to avoid unpleasant > > suprises. > > Where can I get one of them big candy-aB thermometers? Because > I go to the supermarket AND I CAN'T FIND ANY CHILIS ANYWHERE! > The closest I can get is Tabasco sauce (and the dumb supermarket > only has RED Tabasco, none of the yummy GREEN Tabasco); Chili > flavoured potato chips; or some "Ground Chili" in a small spice > jar. The "Ground Chili" isn't very scary, I shook some into > my hand and licked it off and didn't suffer any pain. What is > in "Kim-Chee Base"? It looks pretty red. Is that chili? > Maybe I should try paprika? GOLDURN IT! HOW CAN A WHOLE > COUNTRY NOT HAVE ANY CHILI IN IT? Probably something > to do with Pinochet. Where do you live, Taco Bellistan? Are you Mike Obidzynski? PLEASE DON'T SPILL YOUR MILD SALSA ALL OVER MY NICE CLEAN FLOOR MISTER GUY!!! > And what's going on with the price of rice in Japan? It costs > about 500 yen for a kilogram. Apparently, consumers don't like > to eat imported rice, they think that Japanese rice tastes > SO MUCH BETTER! So the Government is putting a 350 yen/kilogram > tariff on imported rice. THAT'LL MAKE THE DOMESTIC RICE TASTE > BETTER! It's the rice that tastes like a meal. would. if a meal could eat. I was at Sarku Japan (aka Sakkio Japan, aka Sakura Japan) today -- the "Japanese" place at the mall food court -- and now they have "hibachi rice", which costs forty cents extra because the white rice is white but this stuff is white rice that turned brown when they cooked it on the world's smallest hibachi so that it wouldn't fall through the slots. I haven't tried it but I know it tastes better than the regular rice because it costs extra and besides nobody at the mall was ordering it and mall customers are stupid so it must be good. > Also, I have heard that there is a vast rice mountain. HEY EVERYONE LET'S PLAY KING OF THE KILL ON THE VAST RICE MOUNTAIN! (Everyone in alt.religion.kibology runs over to the mountain where Kibo is, but he laughs and "splashes" rice on them.) HA HA NOW YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO GET MARRIED! TO EACH OTHER! AND AS KING OF THE VAST RICE MOUNTAIN HILL I SO DECREE IT! GO AWAY AND GET MARRIED BEFORE I DO SOMETHING MEAN!!! > So why don't they just lower the price to get rid of the rice > mountain? Drop the tariff on imported rice, and let THE > INVISIBLE HAND steer people away from imported rice towards > their preferred domestic rice? WHY DOES BEEF COST 10000yen > for a kilogram? But I shouldn't complain, soy sauce IS REALLY > CHEAP! AND NUTRITIOUS! I prefer the British term for "soy sauce", "seasoning". Or the American term, "browning agent". MMM! MAKES MY BROWNIES TASTE BROWNER!!! MY STOMACH IS FILLING WITH BROWNIAN MOTION! RICOCHET KIBO TO THE RESCUE! PING-PTANG-PERTWEE!! > > Batteries too. > > Yeah! Batteries too! Wasn't that the sequel to the lame movie "*batteries not included", "*batteries too"? They were originally going to call it "*batteries not included either", but they thought nobody would get that clever pun because their target audience couldn't read lowercase letters, so to plug the movie they just filmed these TV commercials where people in hats with earflaps in summer and "Mighty Ducks" t-shirts came out of the theater and said "YEAH! BATTERIES TOO! THIS MOVIE ROCKS! I SAW IT AND IT WAS THE COOLEST FREE MOVIE I EVER SAWED!" but they screwed up and showed the movie during a TV commercial break and showed the yelling morons in the theater, and nobody really noticed, except maybe Stephen Wright, whose "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again" joke wasn't included, so he had to tell it again, and then his head exploded, and a chili pepper came out, and they all hugged it, and Richard Stallman got into a fight with Simon Fraser and Mike Obidzynski and Ricochet Rabbit but nobody thought of filming that even though it had ten thousand times as much violence, humor, and yes, even romance than "*batteries too". "Syadoz" (meanmeso@roanoke.infi.net) wrote: > > I worked out for a while and got a real good appetite, so I cooked up a > mess of potstickers. "Eww! There's potstickers all over the kitchen ceiling! You clean up this mess right now, and next time you cook potstickers, don't make them from real Hello Kitty stickers!" > MMM real good ones, with loads of ginger. They weren't just ginger, they were gingest. > Cooking stuff like this always makes me nostalgic for my grandfather - > the one who used to read me Kafka bedtime stories. And then you woke up to find yourself transformed into a hideous insect, just like in "The Fly"!!! > So I am eating my breakfast of pot stickers, and I start reading this > thread about breakfast cereals, a food substance I haven't seen in years. > It makes me even more wistful. > > For reasons I have never really understood, my grandfather decided it > was his duty to buy household cereal. > > He used to buy all the cereals everyone here mentioned, including > Lucky Charms, Trix, all the chocolate variants, Cap'n Crunch, Quake, > Quisp and Booberry. > > I can't tell you how teary it makes me to hear someone discuss > Count Chocula. The philanthropist billionaire or the cereal? I still have one of the anti-Semitic Count Chocola boxes from the early eighties, it's got to be worth a fortune now! Unless people have decided that anti-Semitic cereal isn't good for some reason. (It was the box showing the Count being menaced by a drawing of Bela Lugosi as Dracula, and they had drawn Lugosi's medallion as a big gold Star of David, so the Anti-Defamation League complained and they had to airbrush it out on the next lot, resulting in Dracula wearing a heavy yet invisible medallion on that strained ribbon around his ropy, Martin Landau-like neck.) I will volunteer that this is AT LEAST as rare as Mike Jittlov's Canadian Sugar Smacks box showing Mr. Spock endorsing the eating of vast quantities of sugar-coated sugar. > I can almost see my grandfather carrying a bowl to the table in the morning. > I can almost hear his voice, eerily more authentic than the commercial: > "Syadoz, Chah-kyooooooola"... I will pay Martin Landau ten dollars if he will eat an entire bowl of Count Chocola cereal at the next alt.religion.kibology party. > The other colorful childhood cereal which brings back memories: > Crispy Critters. Who could forget the year Post decided to incorporate > orange rhinos and pink elephants? I always wondered if the elephants screamed when they were deep-fried. > I especially remember it because my sister would get motion sick > on the school bus. ON or IN the bus? ON would be funnier, as it would involve your sister either having her own helicopter, or amazing powers of projectile vomiting. > I especially remember the stampedes. > > Also, I would especially like to use this time, during this Holiday > season, to thank Kibo for his selfless food experiments which allow me > to vicariously experience the atrocities of the food world without ever > having to come into contact with those "food" substances. Thank you Kibo, > for your sacrifices for me, a mere heathen. You forgot to mention Yummy Mummy and/or Fruit Brute. And Magic Rocks. They taste a lot like Froot Loops, only soaked in a mixture of vinegar, lye, and rocks. -- K. Also let's not forget the new cereal for the nineties, "Have A Happy Dot-Com Morning!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: attention deficit disorder Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 05:45:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > By the way, contrary to what I thought earlier, I could not get to sleep > tonight. 4:30 a.m. and nothing. > > for those who are wondering, it is Dexadrene... or -eme... I forget which, > and I'm not about to go looking for the bottle. So if you're a hyperactive child, does the theory that stimulants depress you and despressants stimulate you hold true? I've discovered that if I take Sudafed (pseudephedrine hydrochloride) which is supposed to make normaly people really, really, really sleepy, it just makes me vibrate around hyperactively for about eighteen sleepless hours, sort of like if I took fifteen cups of coffee and injected them directly into the part of my brain that likes coffee the least. (Even if I take half a dose. Note that the warning label always says something like "MASSIVE OVERDOSE can cause jitters, sleeplessness, spasticity, and general glibness" so either the proper dose for me is a tenth of a drop or else my medication came from backwards land where sedatives make me nervous.) Anyway, I'm not hyperactive, but Sudafed works backwards on me, so maybe they'd work forwards on you. > I need to get some food.... because that stuff affects the appetite and > I didn't eat much yesterday. > > I also forgot to mention that that stuff also causes a significant > amount of "shrinkage"... worse than that caused by a swimming pool, > because it also tends to produce "snaggage", and that's all I got > to say about that. Ah, so if it works the opposite for me that it does for you... "swellage" which also tends to produce "luggage"! > The thing is, my parents always asked how the medication was doing, > and I always said "I don't know".... because I couldn't remember. > Now I have the side effects and all that written right down, there. > And I'll get to the bottom of this. "Nick, why did you drink ALL of our medication?" "MY half was at the BOTTOM!" (A large, anthropomorphic WOMP WOMP walks in the door and kills them both.) I should point out that I realize that hyperactivity is not the same as attention deficit disorder, because waffles have holes in them when you don't lose the Pac-Man game I'm wet again, Santa? -- K. Could be worse, you could be an INTERactive kid. HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: attention deficit disorder Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 07:37:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So if you're a hyperactive child, does the theory that stimulants depress > > you and despressants stimulate you hold true? > > That's something my mother kept telling me, She kept telling you you're a hyperactive child? Wow, that's mean. Did she also keep telling you, every five minutes, that the Flintstones weren't real, just to also remove you of the joy of being three years old? > so she used to give me coffee to calm me down. And I remember at > least once drinking coffee in the 8th grade and being so wiped out > I had to go to the nurse's office to take a nap. Hmm, I'll have to remember that excuse to get out of class if I ever have to repeat the 8th grade. Dear Nurse, I need to take a nap. Signed, My Mother. > Actually, since Friday I've spend most of my day sleeping. Those meds > are hideous and they take all your brane power with it when they wear off... So give some to everyone around you and THEN you'll be SMART! > > I've discovered that if I take Sudafed (pseudephedrine hydrochloride) which > > is supposed to make normaly people really, really, really sleepy, it just > > makes me vibrate around hyperactively for about eighteen sleepless hours, > > sort of like if I took fifteen cups of coffee and injected them directly > > into the part of my brain that likes coffee the least. > > I've discovered that every time I try to take cold medicine, it always > ends up with my mother standing next to the medicine cabinet reading off > the label of everything we have, so that I have to guess which one most > closely matches what I have after not listening to any of it. Pay attention, Nick. Pay attention, Nick. Pay attention, Nick. LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TYPING AT YOU!!! > I end up taking something at random and not remembering whether it > works or not for the next time. WHEEL! OF! EXPIRED! GRANDMA! MEDICINE!!! I'm sorry, you just drank some "Beef, Iron, & Wine" from 1953. Better luck next illness! -- K. > > HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM! Had one, thanks. Please sir may I have another? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: attention deficit disorder Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 06:07:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian Eable (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, contrary to what I thought earlier, I could not get to sleep > > tonight. 4:30 a.m. and nothing. > > > > for those who are wondering, it is Dexadrene... or -eme... I forget which, > > and I'm not about to go looking for the bottle. > > D00d, that is speed. See this page: > http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic/dextroamphetamine.htm > The effects you will notice are: > - Feeling like you're ten feet tall and bulletproof > - Feeling like you're mentally sharp and very witty > - Brane racing > - Lots of physical energy > - "Shrinkage" > - Loss of appetite > - Difficulty sleeping. > > You should be very aware that these amphetamine drugs have > a high potential for abuse and are HABIT FORMING. In other > words, you can easily get addicted! THEY SHOULD COME UP WITH A REALLY ADDICTIVE DRUG WHICH TREATS ADDICTION!!! By the way, since you posted the address of that Web page for looking up prescriptions, I finally looked up the Butalbital/APAP/Caffeine pills Dr. Shafqat prescribed for my headache-that-wouldn't-leave-the-left-side- of-my-brain-for-three-days-and-mimicked-a-brain-tumor two years ago: D00DZ, I"VE BEEN TAKING BARBIE RITULATES WITH0UT N0 ING IT !!!!11 BUTALBITAL IS A BARBITCHERATE!! -> Brand Names: Americet; Anolor 300; Anoquan; Endolor; Esgic; Esgic-Plus; -> Ezol; Femcet; Fioricet; Fiorpap; Geone; Isocet; Medigesic; Minotal; -> Pacaps; Pharmagesic; Repan; Tencet; Triad I SWALLOWED A TRIAD!!! -> Barbiturate -> -> Signs and Symptoms: Drowsiness; confusion; coma; respiratory depression; -> hypotension; shock. IF PATIENT IS NOT MOVING, IT COULD BE BARBITUATES. Butalbital is available with caffeine and acetaminophen (which is what I got, "APAP" aparently means acetaminophen = Tylenol) or with codeine, just to make it more narcotic. It apparently has a bad interaction with Warfarin, which I'd never swallow because it sounds like a rat poison. The weird thing is I only took two of them -- one for that headache, one for my next migraine -- and they didn't do A DAMN THING for me, just like aspirin and Tylenol. (Well, aspirin makes me bleed all over the dentist, but that's probably not the effect I wanted.) So I am immune to powerful drugs like barbituates but Sudafed makes me all giggly. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, AND WHY CAN'T THEY FIX IT WITH DRUGS THAT TASTE BETTER? -- K. Fun factoid: That Web site says that Prozac capsules are "Pulvules(R)". And another out-of-context snippet: -> Parents of pediatric patients should be advised not to use -> tight-fitting diapers or plastic pants on a child being treated -> in the diaper area, as these garments may constitute occlusive dressing. STAY OUT OF THE DIAPER AREA!!! Also note that the above was in regard to an acne medication. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bell Atlantic DSL Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 23:12:19 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp In a secret newsgroup you're not allowed to read, whose name sounds like "wasted gene ral", Daniel P Dern (ddern@world.std.com) wrote: > > Next-2: You need a clean wire-pair between your location and the other > end. The only way to determine this is by the telco trying it. Nobody > including the telcos really knows what's on all those underground wires... > which ones have bridge taps, splices, dead frogs, old Kibo-was-here > plaques, thinner segments, fraying wires, penguins on the TV sets, et c. > No clean pair, no service. Some telcos claim they're going to try and > pre-test their wires before trying to sell service in an area. The first time I read that it said "Kibo-was-here plagues of dead frogs", which I think is more accurate. We've seen what six-pack plastic rings can do to a duck... Ever seen what the Internet can do to a frog? -- K. So pre-testing is when they test it before they test it, right? Do we still have to pre-pay before pre-pumping? Does Bill Griffith still pre-draw "Zippy"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bell Atlantic DSL Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:16:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > > > so my question is: what the heck is a DSL? Deep Submergence Losertvseriesbystevenspielbergthatbozo. > > or, if I can't get an answer to that, maybe someone could > > figure out what to call an "inside joke" when there is no > > one "inside" who gets it. > > "Kibological" Yes, except you MUST understand that, by definition, Kibo gets all jokes that nobody else gets. Also, Kibo gets all jokes that don't get themselves. KIBO IS NO JOKE! HE IS JUST A MISTAKE! -- K. "Have a happy dot-com!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,sci.physics,sci.physics.relativity,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BIG SUCK THEORY IMPLIES OSMOSIS etc, AND IS IMPLIED BY THE CRAVING TO GAIN A FEELING OF SECURITY Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 10:26:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, sci.physics, sci.physics.relativity, and sci.astro, Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) posted his usual rant about "THE BIG SUCK": > > As mentioned before, the Basic, the most Fundamental, the most Essential, > the most Elemental, the Ultimate cause and motivating force of all and > every action of any object animate or inanimate,at any level, atomic > or galactic is: > > TO GAIN A FEELING OF SECURITY!!! Remember, kids, atoms don't do it to gain security. They do it to gain THE FEELING of security. Don't hurt the feelings of your atoms! > Just right now, if you disagree with me, you do that because that > makes you feel secure. Yes, to dismiss my ideas, to reject them, > to discard them to reject my ideas if they are not accepted by you > gives you a feeling of security. No, it gives me the feeling of biting into a York Peppermint Patty while skiing through the French Alps while a professor goes quietly insane while yelling at the top of his lungs. > The fact that you resisted not to > accept an idea which is unacceptable to you, the fact that you > maintained your convictions without surrendering to ideas that > are unacceptable to you - makes you feel secure. Yes, it does! > > Please, do not resort to verbal games by saying, > > "Abian, your saying that at the root of all actions by any > animate or inanimate object is TO GAIN A FEELING OF > SECURITY tantamounts to someone else's saying that: > > "GAGA is at the root of every action" I would have to say that in no way can "gaga" be construed to represent the scientific community's reaction to your intellect. > My answer to that is that I did not say GAGA is at the root > of every action, I said "TO GAIN A FEELING OF SECURITY IS > AT THE ROOT OF EVERY ACTION". > > Your dismissal of my statement by equating it to "GAGA..." > is itself an action of your behalf which is motivated by > GAINING A FEELING OF SECURITY". I HEARTILY ENDORSE JAMES LOVELOCK'S GAGA HYPOTHESIS, A.K.A THE BIGGER SUCK, A.K.A THE BIG SUCKER. > THE BIG SUCK AND THE REACTION TO IT are some two examples > and instances of the insatiable craving to gain a feeling of > security. The Void of Space Sucks th intruding mass not to > have a concentrated invader in its territory. You'll never use conventional warfare again once you've tried new Concentrated Invaders! > The Gravitational forces are reaction to the BIG SUCK again to resists > the dilution of masses whereby feeling more secure by resisting their > disintegration. So how do you explain eggs exploding in the microwave? Well? I don't mean how do you explain how they explode, I mean, how do you explain why you keep putting them in there? -- K. Didn't I see you performing annoying performance art on the subway under Harvard while wearing THE BIG SUCK DRESS? Dear Alexander Abian, you smell like baby powder and latex! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: BITS AND PIECES...12/03 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 08:23:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > [...] note that Stephen Will Tanner is interchangable with any > kibologist satisfying the following USRDA requirements: > > Video Games.........................50% Must have reached the end of "Blaster" and found it a thoroughly satisfying sexual experience. Especially the gurgling noise. > Caffeine............................25% Counts double if you get it from things that don't say "caffeine" in boldface in the ingredients list. > Callbacks...........................10% (15% with 1 cup skim milk) Do callbacks to callbacks score as 10% or as (10% x 10%) = 1%? > Esperanto...........................10% Hey, I got the hat if you got the funny typewriter. A callback to a post I made fifteen minutes ago: I played SSI's board game based on "The Stainless Steel Rat" a lot because you could play it by yourself and it had a different ending every time, which means I must have played it less than six times. > Angst................................5% I think DreamWorks SKG is going to rush a knockoff of you titled "ANGTZ" into production just to help destroy Apple Computer, Inc. DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.31 McIRVINOS. I would work Carl Sagan into that one, but that would just make it easier. > Objectivism..........................5% Are you truly object-oriented? Do you arms and legs tell you what to do when you're walking around? Do you have a telephone in your bathtub which is filled with drugs? (The bathtub, not the phone.) DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.92 McIRVINOS (but only because I once told Matt, otherwise it would be about 98.6 on the McIrvinometer.) > Short, shameful confessions..........2% WORLD'S SHORTEST, MOST SHAMEFUL CONFESSION: "I faithfull swear to execute the office of President -- I wet 'em!" That could obviously be much shorter if shame did not trump shortness. (Look at all Dr. Loveless!) DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.22 McIRVINOS (because Dennis Miller keeps reminding people of the ORIGINAL Dr. Loveless, not the robot one, and because Mike Jittlov could probably explain it in a pinch because he was the first person to make a major feature film based on "The Wild Wild West") > Niacin...............................1% The original one, or the one drawn by Jerry Scott where her head wasn't drawn with an ellipse template and there weren't evil Communist beatniks everywhere? > The Fourth Wall.......................* I can see it now: Hitler, Jr. builds a wall diagonally across Berlin not for political reasons, but JUST TO ANNOY PEOPLE! And he could name it Larry just so it would respond to his Usenet posts. DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.01 McIRVINOS (because if it is really accurate, Larry Wall will show up to explain it, except he won't because I just said he would and I know how his mind works because I wrote Perl so I could search for my name.) > Due to increased gym time, Stephen Will Tanner is now available only > in size Large. Do you still wear shorts, or have you graduated to wides? THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE! YOU LET ME MENTION EUGENE JARVIS AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHO HITLER WAS! -- K. Mental image: Mike Bent trying to explain Hitler to Fisher Junior College, whose buildings now have plaques which say FISHER ###### COLLEGE. P.S. I did not mention "seaQuest" or "Space: 1999" or late DeForest Kelley in this post because it was written with Matt McIrvin in mind and he knows who they are. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: GRAMMAR FOR KIBOLOGISTS Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:47:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Juliette Cutler Page (editor@feminista.com) wrote: > > HELPFUL QUASI-GRAMMATICAL HINTS, not guaranteed to be right: The "not" goes a little later in that sentence. > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Are you truly object-oriented? Do you arms and legs tell you what to > > do when you're walking around? Do you have a telephone in your bathtub > > which is filled with drugs? (The bathtub, not the phone.) > > HINT #1. comma after which, i mean before, except in this sentence, > which has a comma both before and after which (and a left parenthesis). But then I would have looked STUPID for explaining a SYNTACTICALLY UNAMBIGUOUS SENTENCE. Incidentally, commas aren't grammar, they're mechanics. But you wouldn't know anything about mechanics because you're just a GIRL and think that the guys at Jiffy-Lube do a good enough job to save you the trouble of getting your hands dirty adjusting your own points and I bet you don't even know that wrenches come in both Metric and Regular. > > DIFFICULTY OF THAT REFERENCE: 0.22 McIRVINOS (because Dennis Miller > > keeps reminding people of the ORIGINAL Dr. Loveless, not the robot one, > > and because Mike Jittlov could probably explain it in a pinch because > > he was the first person to make a major feature film based on > > "The Wild Wild West") > > HINT #2. try to break sentences down into digestible lengths. remember > some of your readers may have sensitive stomachs. OH. SHUT. UP. > > Do you still wear shorts, or have you graduated to wides? > > > > THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE! > > YOU LET ME MENTION EUGENE JARVIS AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHO HITLER WAS! > > HINT #3. mentioning hitler automatically causes 1000000 points to be > subtracted from your score. I meantioned NEGATIVE HITLER, doofus (<-- masculine noun, because "doofa" sounds doofy) because I said he's DEAD, and thus I WON A BILLION POINTS BECAUSE I KILLED HITLER!!! Now go learn to adjust your points. And learn to drive a stick. And I don't mean a car. > HINT #4. adjectives always agree with nouns in gender, number, and case. Not in sentences which don't have them. -- kibo@sexista.com P.S. TODAY WE BOMBED IRAQ BACK TO THE STONE AGE, WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE I LIKE THE FLINTSTONES! YEE-HAW! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: GRAMMAR FOR KIBOLOGISTS Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 06:50:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Juliette Cutler Page (editor@feminista.com) wrote: > > > > > > HINT #2. try to break sentences down into digestible lengths. remember > > > some of your readers may have sensitive stomachs. James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) replied, lovingly: > > > > OH. SHUT. UP. Juliette Cutler Page (editor@feminista.com) replied: > > Dear Kibo: > > are you feeling ok? > > you seem rather stressed lately. or sensitive, or something. NO! I HAD THE FLU LAST WEEK AND I THINK I GOT IT FROM THE FEMINISTS!!! THEY SHOULD ALL GO BACK TO FEMINISTADOR WHERE THEY CAME FROM!!! AND THEY KEEP TRYING TO RECRUIT ME!!! > love, > doofette You know, "doof" is "food" spelled backwards, but "loofah" is "HA, FOOL!!!" spelled backwards quietly. -- K. kibo@antidisestablishmentarianista.com ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.history.science,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Born in the middle of the century and in the middle of the year Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 10:42:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In soc.history.science and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > That line starts out my autobiography for I was born 1950, 5 July. I > think that is a cool line and a cool way to start an autobiography. That's odd. The FIRST time you posted your autobiography, in 1994, the first paragraph of text began this way: [excerpt from "Ludwig Plutonium, The Chosen One" (1994), page 3:] -> -> A TRIBUTE TO MY MOTHER, JOHANNA POEHLMANN: I remember vivid scenes of -> my past with my mother, the first recollection of my mother, and the -> first conscious recollection that I was alive was in the crib, I was -> hungry and wanted something to eat and so I was eating this soft stuff -> and I could hear my mothers voice differently, a harsh tone now, and I -> saw her arms flinging around and she was making a fuss and later in my -> youth I asked her about this scene and she confirmed to me that I had -> eaten my own poop. By the way, I recently told someone you said you had eaten your own poop in 1993. I apologize for my inaccuracy, you said you ate your own poop in 1994. > This is the quote: " I was born in the middle of the century and in > the middle of the year. Later, you will find out that I would become > involved in the middle of every science." > > Can someone tell me if any famous scientist was born in the middle of > the century and middle of the year. Are you using an arithmetical or geometrical mean, median, or mode? Does "middle" mean the 10%, 25%, 50%, or 90% that are closest to it? How wide is your "middle"? -- K. I'm using "mean" right now! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.food.fast-food,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Burger King Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 08:20:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.food.fast-food, John Fedele (cosmojr@webtv.net) wrote: > > I love > burger king food. I'll tell you why...the meat has that rich char > broiled flavor and is also moist and juicy... and oohhhh!! THE > WHOPPERS...I always order the #2 combo...double beef whopper with > cheese, onion rings and diet cola.IT'S BETTER THAN SEX!!! MANCIA!! Remember, you can only have a Whopper *or* sex, not both. You can't have sex if you have the burger. Or is that if you have a WebTV? -- K. OWAH TAZ ING ER !!!! !!! P.S. Wouldn't the non-diet cola be even more better than sex? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: EXPERIMENTAL PROOF OF GOD Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 06:14:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond34@corc.net) wrote: > > The 4x4 physics metric causes the Structural Model of Personality, > hence we have a simple explanation of Hammond's Scientific Proof of God: > > 1. > The vertebrate body, including man, is a simple 3-axis > Cartesian structure: > > > \ | |\ |\ > \|_____|__\|_____|__\|_____\|____\|__ > |\ | |\ | |\ |\ |\ > | \ | \ | \ > | | | | > | | | | > __/ _|/ | > | | > __/ __/ > > Fig. 1. Owen's Vertebrate Archetype (1849) Oh no! You swallowed Archimedes Plutonium's World's Most Beautiful Building! I like how the neckbone is connected to the giant "X" bone. > This was discovered by Sir Richard Owen in 1849 I don't know, I think someone else discovered the concept of "the scribble" a few years earlier. > and in 1888 > Wilhelm Roux (father of Embryology) traced the origin of it to > the first 3 (Cartesian) cleavages of the egg. Hammond (1994) > points out that this is caused by the 3-axis Cartesian structure > of space itself (Metrical Structure of space). > > 2. > The Cartesian (3-axis) structure of the body, in turn, > produces the well known 3-axis structure of the brain evidenced > in the Medial and Central fissures of the brain and the Neuraxis. > (Hammond 1994) > These 3 brain cleavage axes are, again, caused by the 3 primary > cleavages of the egg. There are 3 well known (historic) > neuropsychological dichotomies; one located on each of these 3 > brain axes: > > X axis = Bell-Magendie (motor-sensory) dichotomy > Y axis = Sperrian Lateralization (Right-Left hemispheres) > Z axis = Neuraxis itself (stem-limbic-cortex) So what you're intimating is that our brains are in three-dee but YOUR brain was drawn by Hanna-Barbera? > 3. > These 3 well known neuropsychological divisions cause the 3 > well known psychometric dimensions of E,N,P (Eysenck 1950-1998): > > E = Extroversion-Introversion (motor-sensory) > N = Neuroticism-Mania (Sperrian Lateralization) > P = Psychoticism (Neuraxial cleavage) So if the origin is normal, what's at the opposite end of the graph from Psychoticism? Incidentally, there's this word that's spelled "Psychosis" that you may want to look up. It's like that thing you used but shorter, and would make you look less psychoticistical. > 4. > These 3 Psychometric dimensions THEREFORE are directly > caused by the 3-SPACE components of the Metric. It turns out > that TIME the 4th dimension of the spacetime (physics) Metric > causes a 4th (historic) factor in Psychometry, Intelligence "g" > (also called IQ). g is known to correlate with mental speed, and > therefore with TIME. Thus: > > E = X > N = Y > P = Z > g = t > > So, AXIOMATICALLY, the 4 metrical variables of Physics, cause the > 4 metrical variables of Psychology. Or, symbolically, the METRIC > of Physics causes the METRIC of Psychology: > > g(u,v) = Psi(u,v) > or > 4x4 Physics Metric = 4x4 Psychology Metric MY BRAIN IS A MONSTER TRUCK! > 5. > Now, Einstein (1916; see Einstein 1984 p. 86 eqn. 98) shows > that the spacetime Metric in the Newtonian limit may be written: > > | 1 | | @ | > | 1 | | @ | > g(u,v) = | 1 | + | @ | > | 1 | | @ | > > where @ = Newtonian gravitational potential But then it should be moving in a parabola, not a diagonal line. > Likewise Thurstone (1947, p.74) shows that the Psychology Metric > can be written: > > | U^2 | | h^2 | > | U^2 | | h^2 | > Psi(u,v) =| U^2 | + | h^2 | > | U^2 | | h^2 | > > (The first matrix in both equations is "flat"; or orthogonal) Flat? Bah! Real scientists uses matrixes shaped like non-Euclidean space-time manifolds. Why, I have one matrix which has five rows, three columns, nine edges, two holes, a bumpy texture, and cannot be pressed flat without splitting your pants. > Calling the indicated higher order factor of Psi, GOD, and the > indicated higher order factor of G(u,v), GRAVITY, it can be seen > immediately that these two expressions are identical if we > identify the communalities, h^2, of the higher order factor of > Psi with @ the Gravitational potential: > > @ == h^2 > > where == indicates a "factor analytic identity" in the classic > sense (see Thurstone 1947 pp. 117- ). > > Taking the derivative of both sides: > > grad @ = 2h > thus > Gravity = GOD I think you skipped a step here, perhaps the one where you take your medication. > Now, since there are AXIOMATICALLY only 4 factors (i.e. the > metric is axiomatically a 4x4 matrix) and Thurstone's law (ibid > p. 293) shows that a 4x4 can only have ONE higher order factor; > we see that GOD is, axiomatically, the last factor in all of > Psychology. Also that it is Factor Analytically isomorphic to > Gravity (i.e. caused by the curvature of space). Therefore the > last factor is clearly and unequivocally identified as GOD- the > "God of the Bible". This completes the Scientific Proof of the > Existence of God. Big deal. I can prove that God doesn't exist: If God existed, he'd cure all the nut-cases in sci.*. Sci.* is full of mad scientists. Therefore, THERE IS NO GOD, AND IT'S ALL GEORGE HAMMOND'S FAULT. -- K. Meanwhile all the real scientists are hanging out in alt.sci.physics.new-theories. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Fromage to Kibo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 07:48:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > [music video Stephen made out of "samples" from Kibo's posts omitted] > > >>>> CREDITS <<<< > Idea stolen from Louis Nick III > Articles stolen from Kibo via Deja News > Lyrics stolen from "Down to This" by Soul Coughing > Free browser stolen from Microsoft Corporation > Kibo has never posted "toothpick" or "machete" > keep circulating the tapes... A-hem. TOOTHPICK! BELOW! And I could swear I've said "machete" but I can't prove it, so maybe I just said it to myself when I was killing that guy. /// rerun pasted in while watching the episode of "The Wonder Years" where Fred Savage listens to Peter Graves talking about giant tomatoes in Bert I. Gordon's "Beginning Of The End", written by Harlan Ellison /// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Plethora Of Discussion. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Sat, 20 Jun 1998 03:46:46 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 4721 centons, 63 microns, .02 rouettes Richard E. Nickle (rick@beable.trystero.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -- Kibo, Evil Space Pirate, > > Spokesman For Earth, > > And King Of Terror > > You forgot to add 'Emperor of R.O.M.' and 'Inventor of the Smiley' (Kibo crosses to a handy typewriter and begins to bash out letters.) R O M I S T O B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W A R D S R O M I S T O B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W A R D S R O M Y S T O B O R S P E L E L D B A C K W A R D S R O M I S T O B B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W A R D S R O M I S T O B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W Z R D S TRUMAN BRADLEY: Yes, some day, robots such as these may be available from the Sears Holiday Wish Book. But will they be invisible like my robot? Tonight's story DID NOT HAPPEN, a tale from the borderland beyond fiction, beyond science, a tale so terrible that... it just might happen tomorrow. COULD IT HAPPEN? DID IT HAPPEN? IS THIS STORY TRUE? Tonight's story did not happen. BUT IT DID HAPPEN!!! (Lap-dissolve to a spaghetti collander sitting on a table. It is slowly rocking back and forth as someone shakes the table by the legs. Extremely loud big-band music is heard. Superimposed title:) SCIENCE FICTION THEATRE presents INVENTOR OF THE SMILEY with Whit Bissell and Coleman Francis SCIENTIST (peering into microscope): These computer circuits are oddly programmed. Could the communists be involved? WIFE (dancing through the room stirring a pan of cake batter): Hi, honey! Look at me! I'm cooking! Look at me! Look at meeeeee! SCIENTIST: No time for that now, woman. I am inventing the computer! WIFE (bursting into tears): You never invented the computer before! You used to talk to me before you became such a... a... science doer! SCIENTIST: The word is "scientist". WIFE: Oh. Now I understand. Science is a worthier pursuit than my selfish desire for acknowledgment of my existence. I will stir more quietly in the kitchen and never leave the kitchen again. (She exits.) SCIENTIST: Now, how do these bits travel over the wires to communications satellites? (Scratchy black and white stock footage of a rubber ball with toothpicks stuck in it hovering over a globe of the Earth with huge letters saying "Ottoman Empire" in Europe. Sound effect: A guy saying "Beep... beep...") SCIENTIST: I just can't invent anything worthy of a Nobel Prize today. I guess I'm just not cut out to be the world's greatest scientist any more. (He crosses over to the shaving mirror hanging over the Bunsen burner in his lab, and talks to his reflection.) SCIENTIST: Here I am all alone with you. But you can't help me. I'm just a washed-up World's Greatest Scientist and you're all backwards. I hate you! (He gives the mirror a very gentle slap, so as not to break the prop. The wall wobbles. The mirror comes unhinged and rotates ninety degrees clockwise. Suddenly the scientist's reflection is sideways!) SCIENTIST: Now, wait just a minute, hold it right there... (He picks up a grease pencil and circles the eyes of his sideways reflection, then outlines the mouth. Slow, wobbly zoom in on the smiley he has just drawn. We hear the big band orchestra playing swing music at ten thousand decibels.) SCIENTIST: Well, I'll be! The smiley was within me after all! TRUMAN BRADLEY: Tonight's story did not happen. But someday... it will. Maybe the day after tomorrow. Maybe two days before tomorrow. It doesn't matter. What matters is science. One day man will invent the smiley. Then his wife will bake him a cake. I'm Truman Bradley. Good night. (He picks up a September 1953 "Scientific American" magazine and begins reading the photo captions for the thenty-eighth time. Roll credits.) -- K. This parody DID happen. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Future of the Internet; present problems and future solutions Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:22:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Let us suppose that the above lawsuit materializes and I have the > permission of the US govt to sue them. While we're on the subject of science fiction, HEY ARCH, DON'T FORGET TO GET THE PRESIDENT'S SIGNATURE IN WRITING, AND MAKE HIM SHOW YOU TWO FORMS OF I.D. LIKE THAT LITTLE KID DID TO BUSH. I AM NOT IMPLYING YOU ARE AS SMART AS THAT LITTLE KID. > And so I prepare for trial, and let us be optimistic that it lasts for > only 2 years. Archimedes Plutonium would have to ride his bicycle from Dartmouth to the Supreme Court every day for two years, and might develop leg muscles big enough to see! > My entire lawsuit would probably be antiquated before finished. I think you can generalize that to your entire internal landscape. > The reason I say that is > because everyday the Internet is becoming more and more commercialized > and that is telescoping into a Telephone supra-structure. THE INTERNET IS TELESCOPING!!! RUN!!! AAAIIIIEEE!!! I'M BEING CRUSHED IN ALT.SCI.PHYSCS.PLTNM!!! > Many of the ills and evils of present day Internet such as > searchenginebombing, emailbombing, unsolicited email ads, forging of > names to subscription lists, stalking, and even the quoting of long > posts just to add a sentence. I agree, nobody should be allowed to add ANYTHING to your posts. > Almost all of that can be eliminated with > one sweeping new change. A fee of say 10 cents per post or 50 cents per > post or to match what a letter postage stamp costs which will be 33 > cents come January 1999. Arch, once again, have you realized that it's not 33 cents everwhere the Internet goes? Like, you know, at that Canadian University you're trying to sue? > I suspect that many foreign countries already impose fees for each > post made. In the US a flat montly fee to an ISP does not stop persons > from making frivolous and often stalking posts. BUT CHARGING PEOPLE AN EXTRA TEN SECONDS WOULD MAKE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAD AT LEAST TEN CENTS IN THE BANK ABLE TO CALL ARCHIE AN IDIOT! I like it. I am setting aside a whole dollar as the budget for my next post. > [...] > So, if I breeze along and take NASA to court, Be sure to mention, when you file your legally-worded complaint, that you are breezing. "Your honor, there is a breeze coming from the plaintiff." > I may be outpaced in the race for reform of Internet even on your bicycle? > for the commercialization changes would drastically change aspects > such as searchenginebombing or stalking etc. So that's ten cents per person you stalk? Is Jodie Foster the same price as, say, Claudia Christian? Is there a group discount? -- K. Can you get together with three other guys and time-share a celebrity in eight-hour shifts? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.geo.geology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Gc&e2 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 09:28:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) wrote, if you can stretch the definition a little: > > Thursday the Greater Craetor & Erge2erg 24 ? 0 Cr ? erg > > From: nospam@ibm.net | Um? Monday I refocused on GaAs.M1 > To: All | but failed to Post. The rest of > Subject: Where are you Manley? | the week i've been in a Geological > | "FOG" & UNmotavited. Not Blue tho. > From: nospam@ibm.net (MsGeo) | 4Myself went to the Co. Court house > Subject: Where are you Manley? | Yesterday to see what story L. B. > Organization: As Little as Pos | was doing aboout 3:pm and then to > | the New Federal Court House bulding > Weekends come and weekdays go | to "ASK" about the :"Erwin Grant": > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > CASE: i saw it on the computer as xx/xx/xx > ========================================== > Anyway the real reason i was in the Federal Court hous yesterday at > 3:21 Court House Clerk time was the case of Newman T. Although I > did look and look. there was no electric power to the microfinch > machine, and one machine appeared not to work. My search for "Tom" > turned up nothing but the WEB site. Lemme see if i can find that. > maybe ? > http://linux.usdc/cig-bin/name?jln=public > well? sometimes i cannot read my own handwriting > and i recall having had trouble making out what i thought the letters > after the ? were as it may have been ?ilk or some other combination > ANYWAY? I do plan on going back today in about an hour Both places. > and TRY to find Newman once again. Perhaps i had the wrong calender > year or some such other ?" electrical "? malfunction. I donno, but > will try again! Because on my way out I could not help notice > that there was an Anthropoligical display in the New ( most expensive ) > { of all us feral court houses ever constructed } Lobby > of some old Rusted iron that drew my attention. > Do Not miss understand me, Visiting that site can become a very > unpleasent experiance 4me and I do no look forward to relooking > there. > BUTT, sure for Newman i will i'm pretty sure. As for Erwin? > nothing I could do? would ther b. > /\/op > ________Line 38 12:18 P.M. 98-12-17 in court in about an hour and * I would just like to say this: ME TOO. -- K. Also, I LIKE PEZ. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Greatest scientific achivement of the millienium. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 08:35:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor beable@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > NO WAY D00D!!!!11! I'm changing my name from Beable van Beable > to Brane Trolonium. Please stop using the old name or I will > lawsuit you. > > Yours &c > > Brane Trolonium But you post from DejaNews. You don't *have* a name. Also, I think you should change your name back to Brian Bolonium so that we can see you more clearly when you change from Brian Bolonium to Brain Bozonium to Brane Trolonium while standing in the light of TRUTH, which attracts bugs 'cause it's got all the colors in it except yellow. IF YOU'RE EVER ATTACKED BY BUGS HIDE IN THE MIDDLE OF A RAINBOW WHERE THE LEMON STUFF COMES FROM!!! I'm not sure but I think my flu has sort of gone away because now I can eat twenty slices of bacon in a row without throwing up, although it's hard to find a pan long enough to hold 20 in a row. But I still can't think logically so I think I may have contracted Permanent Brain Flu. Oh no, the "Laverne & Shirley But Without Shirley" episode where Squiggy gets kidnapped by the KGB and forced to dance in "Swan Lake" is on again and I already saw it once today!!! I hate being sick because it makes you watch TV that you don't want to. I AM STILL MAD AT THE UNIVERSE FOR TRICKING MY BRAIN INTO TRYING TO WATCH "BUGSY MALONE" THIS WEEKEND!!! IT RUINED MY WEEKEND *FOREVER*!!! -- K. a.k.a Euripides Pantaloonium, King of Terror, President of Psuedo-Science, and 1992 Spokesman for Middle Earth. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:35:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) warbled: > > > > So because of this I will schedule myself to apply for a patent on > > DISPOSABLE, UNWASHABLE PANS and I now have exactly 364.99999999 days > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > Needless to say, IWPTA "disposable, unwashable pants". Yes, but at least I don't wear disposable WASHABLE pants. YOU'LL NEVER USE TOILET PAPER AGAIN NOW THAT THERE'S TOILET UNDERWEAR! I'm sorry. I didn't invent it, I just made it up. -- K. I HAVE THE FLU AND A FEVER AND I THINK THAT THE INTERNET IS REAL. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 10:09:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > During the last sojurn to Vegas, I talked with this army guy about his > experiences inspecting pants for his unit. > > I apologize for that last sentence. > > I talked with this army guy about his experiences inspecting pants for > his squad. CHECKLIST, PANTS, ARMY, TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT #1.) Pants have seat. #2.) Fly can be at least partially closed. #3.) Sum total of area of all holes is less than total area of original pants. #4.) Pants are not lavender. > He talked about being stationed in Japan, and I thought > maybe we had a point of common interest, and he said, "Hey, you know > those one guys...the TOENAILS?", and I thought probably for sure we > DID have point of common interest, so I'm all "Yeah?" and he's all > "Yeah.........they PISS ME OFF!" I'm lost. IN JAPAN! AND LAS VEGAS! Waah! Steven Tanner ripped me in half and has strewn me into the two kinkiest cities in the world!!! Short shameful confession: I only ever have heard the verb "strew" used on "Beat The Clock" circa 1974, when they kept strewing Styrofoam coffee cups around the big baby blue circle. I liked that show and not "Tattletales" because "Tattletales" had a banana section which made it STUPID. > Once I was assigned to write a dictation module. Well, actually, just > the Dictation Handler that would call some third-party dictation > module. And it turned out that I just needed to write the interface, > and an intern would write the rest. So I wrote it up, and named it > "DictationHandlerInterface" in proper Hungarian. But the Powers That > Were thought that was too long. > > For one brief, shining moment, the document was..the DicHandInterface. Now all you have to do is get that into the IBM/Motorola PowerPC G4 hardware design as a single instruction. So that people will be able to program RISC assembly language that says: DICHANDINTERFACE EIEIO ...just because I like EIEIO. By the way, EIEIO on a PowerPC has the same effect as NOP on a 68040, which is to say that it does something other than NOP. I HATE PEOPLE WHO DESIGN CHIPS! NERDS ARE STUPID!!! > And NOW you KNOW...the REST of the STORY. GoodDAY! And the MAN... who split his PANTS... had NO BUTTOCKS. But that didn't stop him from becoming... JOANNE WHALLEY KILMER. (screaming at the top of my lungs-->) THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- K. EIEIO is almost as much fun to say as PPPUPP would be. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 03:49:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dag ]gren FYSI (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > Dear Mr. Dig Agron, > > My freind Ann is from Norway and she says she once saw a Finnish TV > > program in which there were naked men dancing around holding balloons > > over their dirty places. > > She said it was some sort of variety/game show, possibly similar to > > our famous GONG SHOW. only without any gongs. > > I say she is lying. > > Who here is correct??? You forgot to add "Dear TV Guide, please settle this, I have TWO DOLLARS riding on it!" > I wouldn't know. This, you see, is the exact reason I usually avoid all > Finnish variety/game shows, and most other Finnish programming, > especially stuff that tries to be funny. > > Except maybe something called Okeiko, but they've stopped showing it. > That show had an obsession with the word "kantoraketti", ie, "booster > rocket". Yes, but in my kitchen, I hava potatoraketti from somewhere in India. Gen-U-Wine "POTATO RACKETS". They're like wagon wheels, except flat, and they're made out of potato starch, not pasta, so that when you cook them they turn transparent and get really, really, really sticky and if you cook more than one of them at a time they come out in a huge tangled glob not unlike invisible seaweed. SHORT SHAMEFUL CONFESSION: I just typed "seaqweed". THAT COULD HAVE SAVE THAT SHOW! ROY SCHEIDER Lucas, what's our position? LUCAS Like, I don't know, man, this is like a bummer trip or something. Let's give the dolphin drugs. DARWIN (squeaky, high-pitched voice, because it's coming from a computer) Darwin like drugs! Darwin am walrus! ROY SCHEIDER The walls are melting... there's brown goop oozing down them... oh, wait, that's my skin. Never mind. WHOA! I FELL OFF THE LIFTS IN MY SHOES! That's funny. Let's surface so I can stare at the sun until I turn into a butterfly! DARWIN Electric velcro is always a negative tetrahedron! -- K. I apologize for making sub-refs to Bucky Fuller and Archie Plutonium in the same sentence, because Bucky obviously wasn't crazy because he never posted to Usenet. Also, it's a sub-ref which takes place ON A SUB!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:01:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...re Potato Rackets...] > > they come out in a huge tangled glob not unlike invisible seaweed. > > > > SHORT SHAMEFUL CONFESSION: I just typed "seaqweed". THAT COULD HAVE > > SAVE THAT SHOW! > > I first read this as "seaqweef". Which is less funny sounding than both > "doidy" and "bongle", but more funny than "wanger". Okay, here is the revised list of the most obscene nonsense words you must never say aloud when you type them into the Internet, unless you're talking to alt.religion.kibology. I culled these from the archives and the majority of them are my fault, sorry. sil puh vup inkle freef doidy urlap woxwox beable slunch blarda lenort fŸtplex crontab poooooz bazpacho seaqweef bigfootf benefxfx blezmogon saxofungus nudibranch phlezofigle skyboxolajuwon searchenginebombing zeppelinzer torture Ironically, none of them is a four-letter word! -- K. Matt McIrvin will now use each of them in a sentence. All in the same sentence. In public. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:37:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor doctoraaron@mindless.com, whose "real name" was eaten by his WebTV, wrote: > > [...] > > I hope I misread that; I'd hate to think I'm dumber than my WebTV. Older than Bob Hope, too. -- K. And with shorter pants than Donald Duck. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Impeachement and Bombing Iraq Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 00:23:21 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp In alt.tech-support.recovery, Chris Horry (zerbey@nildram.co.uk) wrote: > > Oh dearie me, a user left me a message today asking to call back. When I > did (I know, stupid of me but they only moan if I don't) he asks if the > internet is going to be affected by Mr Clinton's impeachment and all the > air strikes over Iraq. > > I worry about these people sometimes I really do... When you called back, did you shout at him in Arabic? That's what I would have done. If I had been you. And if I knew Arabic. And if I had to call people on the phone. (Which I don't, because I count as Level Infinity tech support -- people are only permitted to ask me questions after they have asked the same question of every single person on the planet except me.) So anyway, what did you tell the person who thought the Internet was going away? Did you at least take away their Internet access? -- K. Will you call me back with the answer to that question? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Laverne & Shirley Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 07:54:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A further observation on the final, feeble season (which Lewis Carollackerman refers to as "the feebnal season") of "Laverne & Shirley Without Shirley": In yesterday's rerun, Charlie Fleischer (best known as that guy who did the voice of Roger Rabbit) played a Trekkie who was running around in a purple Star Trek shirt because "Officers are blue, the Captain's orange, and janitors are purple." He spent about five minutes saying "Beam me in, Laverne!" and then walking through the doorway sideways because he was, like, pretending he was in outer space and stuff. Oh, yeah, and the plot of the episode was Laverne got her father to baby-sit a chimpanzee and then she went to sing with The Spinners, who were twenty years older than they really were then, but halfway through the song she felt sorry for her father so she told the Spinners to stop playing and then she told the whole audience how much she loved her father and then she went home. The very same day, the Sci-Fi Channel aired the single greatest "Wonder Woman" episode ever made, the one in which Rene Auberjonois (best known for his role as the twit on "Benson" and/or the nosejobbed glob of apple butter on "Deep Space Nine" and/or the original Father Mulcahy in "M*A*S*H") broke into the Griffith Observatory to steal the three ruby crystals from inside the telescope but he accidentally mailed them to a nerd at a "Space Quest" convention where all these people were walking around in "Logan's Run" costumes and a "Logan's Run" Sandman was chasing some "Logan's Run" runners around with the "Logan's Run" Gun which, as you will recall, Matt McIrvin once immortalized as "Grogan's Gun", and amazingly enough, the nerd's name was Grogan in this episode, and he had put together a display of moon rocks which accurately simulated conditions on a starship, meaning that the walls were black and there was a disco ball and strobe lights overhead and the floor tilted back and forth (not the camera, they kept explaining that the floor really was tilting, even though the disco ball was hanging from a string which was also tilting) and the episode ended with Rene Auberjonois stealing Robby The Robot's costume and a different nerd yelling "ROBBY THE ROBOT IS A LUSH!!" THAT WAS A SENTENCE OF WHICH I AM AWKWARDLY PROUD!!!! Anyway, it's my favorite episode even though it didn't have IRAC or ORAC or Rover or K-9 or Ensign Greenbean in it. I WILL AWARD A SPECIAL TRIP TO THE EDGE OF THE McIRVIN LIMIT TO ANYONE ELSE HERE WHO ADMITS HE KNOWS WHO ENSIGN GREENBEAN IS!!! -- K. Hint: His car is more electric than yours. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Laverne & Shirley Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 08:57:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Now to comment on a comment on a comment. Tonight's "Laverne & Shirley" episode is a really desperate bottle show, in which Laverne joins a convent, which looks exactly like her living room with slightly different set decorating. (On how many other shows can you redress their main set into a convent? Like, could you do this to the U. S. S. Enterprise bridge, or on the seaQuest DSV? Could you do it for the Sunshine Cab Company, or Arnold's diner, or Ralph Kramden's tiny little slice of a living room?) Then the lights go down on everything except Laverne and this old nun who helps her find God. This episode makes me want to convert from atheism to Judaism just to be an extra step away from Catholicism, which I've never been but I want to be two notches away just in case I accidentally get converted due to the Year 2000 Bug. Ki_-_Bo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Laverne & Shirley Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 00:33:44 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp wankerboy@my-dejanews.com, who doesn't have a Real Name for obvious reasons, responded to my insightful analysis of the fact that "Laverne & Shirley" USED to be a high-quality show BEFORE it started to suck: > > The episode of "Laverne & Shirley" you mention (#167, "The Monastery Show") > was one that I saw for the first time in syndication about 10 years ago (by > the time the show aired on ABC in 1983, I had given up on "L&S"). I thought > at the time that this was the final show, and thought that of all people, > man-hungry Laverne ending up a nun was a clever twist. Naah, a clever twist would have been them revealing that her apartment had been a convent FOR ALL EIGHT YEARS and she was AN AUTISTIC NUN STARING INTO A SNOW GLOBE!!! Remember before snow globes had names? During the first hundred years they were manufactured? They all came from the top of the Empire State Building, along with those pens where King Kong slides up the side of the building when you hold him upside-down. > Actually, there's eleven more of these final-year "Laverne & Squiggy" gems > left to run (Notice that Lenny is gone too, and that David L. Lander is > billed alone at the opening). Usually, but Lenny showed up on occasion earlier in that season, like the weepy episode where he jumped into the La Brea Tar Pits because he was tired of being "the stupid one". The few episodes where he was available did credit him, and Lenny shows up in the group shot of the cast in that season's title sequence. > Here's another frightening thought: In 1983, the show was still number 25 in > the ratings, and ABC extended the show for 13 weeks for fall 1983, but Penny > Marshall insisted the show be produced in New York (where her boyfriend was at > the time). Paramount balked at the cost, Penny called it a day, and in the > final show Carmine....well, I don't want to spoil it for you. He was found to cause CANCER in RATS and they had to take him out of the show so they had to invent blue M&Ms to make up for it!!! > Point is, we might've gotten another few shows in the vein of "The Monastery > Show" (shouldn't it be "The CONVENT Show"?) or "The Playboy Show" (#161) ...with Hugh Hefner and Carrie Fisher as a Playboy bunny. Whuh-hoa! > or "Short on Time" (#172, with the Spinners, and the one that confirms > that Edna has left Frank. We hadn't seen Edna in two years anyhow, and > I han't missed her. So there. But that episode also had the wacky chimp AND the wacky neighbor who wears a purple Spock uniform and beams himself around the apartment, so that made up for it. A CHIMP CAN SAVE ANYTHING!!! > I imagine that Carmine and Shirley would have married if it had ended the way > it would have if Cindy hadn't walked. IF SHE HADN'T WALKED THAT WAY SHE WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN PREGNANT! I don't know why they married her to Mostly Offscreen Walter The Nerd instead of Carmine, unless Carmine was out of town or in jail the week they had to film the first episode of the next-to-last season where she was suddenly about eight months pregnant in the first scene. It still baffles me that Carmine spent more with Shirley than Walter did even after she married Walter, and then after Shirley left, CAMINE WAS HANGING AROUND WITH LAVERNE ALL DAY!!! > And that probably would have been in > 1984. Hell, they probably would have been listening to Bon Jovi in the > 1983-84 season. Well, they flashed "1967" on the screen in the final season's opening titles, and since the show was originally set in the mid-fifties, and "Joanie Loves Chiachi" took place in the same universe at the same time in the early eighties, I think your theory is accurate, but it ignores one key point: After they started flashing "1980! 1980! 1980!" on the screen in the 1984 season, they would have had to all wear purple Beatle wigs and go-go boots on the Moon. And then the next season it would have been "September! 13! 1999!" and they would have replaced the Captain Blue puppet with Martin Landau as Walter Koenig as Davy Jones as Ringo Starr. > Of course, there's also the theory that that troupe of kids doing the > "Schlameel, Schlamazel" thing during the Shirley-less shows are the result of > a bizarre multiple birth of Shirley's caused by using that 1960s-era > microwave in the "Window on Main Street" episode. But that was the house OF THE YEAR 2000! It was incredibly futuristic! It shows that in the eighties when they were badly pretending it was the fifties to simulate the seventies they were further ahead of us than we thought! They were ONE POINT ONE YEARS AHEAD instead of wherever they THOUGHT they were, they were so SUPER-GENIUSITIC that they were even further in the future than they WANTED to be!!! Also that episode was mainly devoted to Laverne and Shirley accidentally being hypnotized to think they were chickens while they were living in the House Of The Year 2000 in a store window, a plot which is uninspired ALONG ALL THREE AXES!!! > Just a thought. That's what Einstein said! Then we had to shoot him in the head. DOW CHEMICAL. WE DIDN'T LIKE THAT EINSTEIN GUY, HE THOUGHT HE WAS SO SMART. -- K. DOW CHEMICAL -- WATCH IT, BUSTER!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Laverne & Shirley Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 06:44:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...stuff...] > > NO! PLEASE! NO MORE! > > I HAVE A TEST TOMORROW AND YOU ARE ALL BRAKING MY BRANE! Oh no! Your brain's brake shoes are worn out and squealing like a pig! That's what you get for wearing shoes in your brain. YOU DON'T WEAR SHOES IN YOUR BRAIN, YOU WEAR SHOES OUTDOORS! DUH! > ALL THESE REFERENCES TO BAD ENTERTAINMENT ...I hate to tell you this, but that's the ONLY kind. Name me ONE tv show that doesn't contain Kibological stupidity. > MADE WHEN I HAD JUST BEEN BORN ARE SCARY! > SCARY SCARY SCARY! > > STOP! > > NOW! > > Sowwy. I missed "Laverne & Shirley" twice today because I was watching the "Star Trek" episode "The Way To Eden" twice on the Sci-Fi Channel, which meant it took about six hours. Each time. HEADIN' OUT TO EDEN, AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, BROTHER! HEADIN' OUT TO EDEN, ON BLUUUUUEBERRRRYYYYYY HILLLLLLLL.... AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, SIT ON IT!!! It was the first time I had seen it since becoming grown-up enough to notice that all the Space Hippies are BALD from middle age and wearing wigs that look even faker than Kirk's. Also I get the giggles every time Majel Barrett yells, "And I thought all the animals were in CAGES!" Me, I thought all the animals were in alt.*. > Sometimes, kibology just crosses this line. I could show you this line, > but it's pretty hard to draw it with ascii. It's also fading through all > known colours, and twisting into a fractal curve just at the other end. > And it's always with me. It keeps me company. I like this line. It's pretty. > > I'll just sit and watch the line now. Everything will be all right then. > > Pretty. Sure, you can sit and watch Little Billy toddle his way through your brain to Dennis The Menace's house where he's going to get Dennis in trouble for something that Not Me did, or you could get up and smell the rainbow! Besides, count your lucky stars. You're in Finland, where porn is legal. -- K. In the U.S.A., porn is illegal, but SEX is legal, so I think we got the better deal. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Lawsuit on sysadmin of various ISP Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 07:29:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Riboflavin" (ribo@mindspring.com) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > Although I > > am unsure as to whether Phoenix is a sysadmin, I am reasonably certain > > that he is a worker of the Internet sector that is ranked equal to or > > above that of a sysadmin. > > Ohh... the 'Internet Sector'. Tell me, Mr. Plutonium, what other sectors of > the electron that makes up the whole observable universe have you named? > Also, how does Phoenix post from this 'Internet Sector'? I'm just wondering what Checkpoint Charlie looks like between the Internet Sector and where Archie lives. Also, I like the fact that Archie has, for the first time, expressed some small doubt that maybe, just maybe, not everyone other than him is an administrator. You know, I think that would be a good state of affairs. Quick, someone, write a computer simulation of what would happen if everyone on the Internet was a system administrator except for Archie. > [big snip] > > > > (3) The Mindspring.com gang of Phoenix, Riboflavin, Jeff Leader, and > > various other > > YEAH, BOYYYYZ! Phoenix, me, and our Leader, Jeff are part of a gang! Don't gangs have to be .org? Of course, it always bothers me that the InterNIC decided that organized crime is .com and not .org. > Mr. Plutonium, since you discovered that we are in a gang, could you > please tell us what our gang colors are? I think you'd get a funnier answer from Hannu Poropudas, whose little daughter Hanna-Maria helped him determine that neutrinos are orange with green stripes and pink polka dots and come out of The Space Potato. I don't think Archie is that creative. > If you fail to do so, then I will be forced to consult with the other > gang members and select a nice color scheme, which may not match the one > in your lawsuit Don't forget to pick a font, too. I am guessing his lawsuit is in something along the lines of 144-point TrueType Vivaldi Bold Italic Underline Outline Shadowed Strikethru. Well, at least his name. I think the rest of the lawsuit is probably just in 2-point Zapf Dingbats Extra Invisible in the fourth dimension. > and almost certainly won't match your legal stationary. "Your honor, the defendant cannot make this motion because he is stationary!" > Also, could the other memebers of the gang please contact > me so that we can arrange a meeting somewhere to hang around menacingly? > > I BUST A CAP IN YO ASS, SCIENCE BOY! Hey, hey, let's not be dissin' the King of Science. His graffiti tag's bigger than yo' mama's! Hmm, it would be an interesting project to set up a "graffiti wall" at Dartmouth and see how many seconds it takes before it's completely covered with stuff about plutonium atoms. > > pseudo-named > > Yes Mr. Plutonium, I've concealed my name so carefully in all of my posts > that you'll NEVER figure out what my real name is. I'll give Mr. Plutonium a hint: It either contains "Doug" or "Potter" or "Lee" and "Smith" or "David" or "Hudec". YOU FIGURE OUT WHERE THE PARENTHESES GO AND WHERE THE LIES END. > > rogue sysadm types > > oohhh... this bit warrants its own post. Every word Archie says warrants its own post. In fact, the only way to find merit in Mr. Plutonium's scientific work is to break it down into individual words. "plutonium" has such a nice shape because it's got so many different kinds of letters, but it would be better if the "p" were in the middle. Descender, you know. > > who searchenginebomb, and stalk harrass. > > Stalk harrass? I've never even seen herass. > > These persons I am guessing are sysadmin or comparable > > or higher rank. Ah, now he's admitted that only some of the people in the Internet Sector conspiracy are system administrators, the others are those who have more rank on the Internet than the system administrators. Hmm. Systems integration vendors, maybe? (Perhaps Hewlett-Packard gave him that screen saver where all his virtual fish died when he bought an Apple printer?) > Dear Mindspring, > > I hereby apologize for never showing up for work, but the King of Science > himself has informed me that I am a sysadmin of your business. Please > forward all of the accumulated back pay to me, and I will show up for work > next week to begin the advertising campaign. > > Sincerely, > > Socrates Molybdenum (Age 7) Hey! Can I vote on your advertising campaign, and if you win, can we impeach you? If you say no, I won't be too upset, as we can still work on getting our jollies by impeaching the President Of Science. > > The trial should be fun, to see a dozen or 20 rogue sysadmin types > > summoned from all parts of the US and even overseas and standing to one > > side of the courtroom with their hands in their pockets. And there I > > am, the plaintiff pro per on the other side with a smile on my face. > > Seeing a bunch of sysadmin types with their hands in their pockets gives you > a smile? You're even sicker than I thought! Also note he did not mention in whose pockets HIS hands are. He pointed out recently that NASA has deep pockets, so there you go. --> Then a physics law would be that the coat has a --> zipper and this law would describe how the zipper works. Another law --> would be the pockets, and another law would be the material the coat is --> made up of, and another would be the shape of the coat, etc etc -- Archimedes Plutonium, "Semper Fi Atom Reincarnation", March 1997 > > Perhaps these rogue sysadmin have met each other at various > > conferences before, well, now they can meet each other in a court > > trial. > > Yay!!! Sysadmin party time! Break out the lusernames, we're here to kick > searchenginebomb ass and chew bubblegum! It's a good thing he hasn't heard of USENIX. (And you thought the people who DO show up there are eccentric.) I think it would be fun to get Archie a pass to a major tradeshow (like one of the bigger COMDEXes, say Las Vegas) and just see what he's like when he's turned loose in an enormous room with 50,000 different computer products that he thinks are being used solely to suppress his theory. And then he'd have to go past a bank of slot machines by the exit. -- K. COMDEX L.V. has given me a lifelong love of gambling, provided I always win. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Thanks for the donation to lawsuit Re: Lawsuit on sysadmin of various ISP Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:14:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) replied to his own reply to his own reply to his own rant: > > Today I received a surprize card, by a Mr. D who I do not have the > liberty to name. Wow! Your imaginary friends have progressed to one-letter names! Wake us up when they start getting their own driver's licenses. By the way, when you bring your imaginary lawsuit against NASA, AOL, me, the New York Times, etc., I'm sure at least one of the lawyers will ask you under oath who Mr. D is, so better get cracking on making up names for your pretend playmates. > In a waxed sealed card with a donation check to the > Plutonium Atom Foundation to bring lawsuit upon Boston's std.com for > their harrassing censorship and disturbance of the sci newsgroups. And that check! Said! Seven! Cents! Off! TUBE SOCKS!!!! NOW YOU KNOW THE REST OF... THE STORY!!! > Thank you Mr. D ! > The Plutonium Atom Foundation is grateful to Mr. D and blesses him, > and others like him to the Fields of Elysium. Atom Eww. That means I have to stay in the same imaginary Field Of Elysium as Mr. D: --> From: Ludwig.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Ludwig Plutonium) --> Subject: Re: LP archive updated --> Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.plutonium, alt.religion.kibology --> Organization: Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH --> Date: 7 Aug 1994 15:43:28 GMT --> --> kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes: --> > --> > I've just copied about a hundred more articles into the Ludwig --> > Plutonium archive [...] I have LP's permission to keep this archive. --> > --> > [...] --> > --> Thanks, Kibo. It bears repeating. PU, PLuto blessed James "Kibo" --> Parry to The Fields of Elysium. ATOM Of course, I've been there for four years, and let me tell you, there's no room left at THE COOL TABLE. > I have until February to decide to go ahead or not. I like situations > like this, where either way is of advantage to PAF. If I go ahead, the > publicity. If I do not, the fact that the King of Science has a huge > cadre, in fact the largest on the Internet ^^^^^ I believe you misspelled "deformity". Hope this helps. > of a gaggle of *unpaid* clowns chasing after me. But, Arch, you keep insisting that forces unknown send me mystery money to call you an idiot. By the way, you're an idiot. So let's see, so far we have: 1.) People pay Kibo to call Archie an idiot. 2.) People who call Archie an idiot aren't getting paid. 3.) An unnamed person paid Archie an unnamed amount to file an imaginary lawsuit against everyone else on the Internet. From these three premises we can derive, logically, the following statement: 4.) By the way, you're still an idiot. So is the mystery person who sent you mystery money for your nonexistant lawsuit the evil twin of the mystery person who pays people to call you an idiot? If so, then maybe they're KITT and KARR from "Knight Rider". If your imaginary friend have an oscillating red light that goes "woo-woo", then my theory is correct. Also, you're an idiot. > Why, I must occupy the time and attention of > thousands of court jesters and fools. And unlike court fools of the > past with political kings, those were paid fools. I, the King of > Science am treated to thousands of unpaid fools and jestures, As a child, you must have had an unhappy jestation period. > and they > certainly have helped my crusade in bringing more of the world audience > to the Atom Totality Universe. And should some of these fools such as > Rich Lafferty or Lionel Lauer or Kibo or Sam or Mc-whatever begin to > slacken off of their court foolishness, I have to think of another "pep > candy sucker bar to pitch them." ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM-INSPIRED PSYCHEDELIC ROCK BAND NAME #14: ARCHIE'S PEP CANDY SUCKER BAR PITCH > Jesus Christ teaches us the valuable lesson of "turning the other > cheek when attacked". And as of recent, I never really ever practiced > that. Yeah, but you said you were practicing playing dumb: --> From: Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Archimedes Plutonium) --> Subject: Re: Calling of Phoenix, Sam, Kibo, MacGiggle as witnesses --> Newsgroups: misc.legal, sci.edu --> Organization: learning to become a lawyer --> Date: 11 Dec 1998 07:39:16 GMT --> --> [...] --> --> Let me teach you something, although you sound too closed-minded to --> listen. A lesson I learned after I got out of college and has helped my --> life and career immensely (someday if you have time and interest, you --> can read about it in my autobio --> http://www.galstar.com/~ichudov/ppl/ap/File1966-1972.html ). --> --> And it involves an art, a skill and I think I am an expert at it. It --> is the skill of "acting dumb" to get ahead of an adversary. --> --> [...] ...and practice makes perfect. > But now I am learning it in practice. And so well am I learning > it that I propose to extend Jesus's wisdom of turning the other cheek > for those situations where it really is not physical. Um, Archie, I think people figured out a couple thousands years ago that that was METAPHORICAL. Next you're going to tell me that we're LITERALLY driving you crazy! (Please stop shouting "ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET?") > The Internet is not physical. At least not when you're using an imaginary search engine from the imaginary "Legal-Law Desk" at the imaginary Plutonium Atom Foundation. > The saying is that "sticks and stones will break my bones > but words will never hurt me." In fact, words on the Internet by > attackers usually help the defender. Here, let me help you: You're an idiot. > But to push Jesus's wisdom further, and this can be done practically > on the Internet. EWW! MOMMY! ARCHIE SQUISHED JESUS ALL UP AND PUSHED HIM THROUGH A MODEM CABLE! GROSS! > I think of these stalkers as rock-throwers-at-cars. So now you're pretending you have a car? Maybe you should work your way up slowly. Pretend you can afford a rock. > Immature kids > that think they can get away with their misbehaviour, and it tickles > them inside to cause damage to passing cars. And they run away before > you catch them. The Rich Lafferty and Lionel Lauer and Kibo are the > stone-throwers-at-passing-cars of the Internet. But they do not really > cause any physical damage. > So, let us Extend Jesus's wisdom of "turning the other cheek", > instead of getting annoyed by the Lafferty's and Lauer's and Kibo's and > Sam's and Phoenix's, let us Offer Them the Other Cheek Plus More and > More and More. Arch, if you've got five cheeks, we REALLY don't need to know about it. > So, come February I make my decision, Is that the one about whether it's a pretend lawsuit written on real paper in imaginary crayon or an imaginary lawsuit written on pretend paper with real crayon? > but already I learned some new things. > > Thanks to Mr. D, and if one person has the determination to send my a > donation to lawsuit std.com of Boston, I would think that there are > millions of readers upset over the excessive abuse by sysadmin of ISP > companies who harass private citizen customers of the Internet. If > someone is willing to donate money to a lawsuit against sysadmin for > harrassement is indication to me that Internet needs a fundamental > structure change. That these alt newsgroups, many are set up for the > sole purpose as attack platforms such as alt religion kibology, > alt.syntax.tactical, alt.usenet.kooks. Don't forget alt.sci.physics.plutonium. > Examining my killfile, a large proportion of those people under > pseudonames and real names are sysadmin or connected in work to a ISP, Archie's magical powers allow him to determine job occupations from E-mail addresses! Hmm, Arch, if you were sane, that would mean that you would be Archimedes.Plutonium@dishwasher.hanover.inn, but your E-mail address is normal so you must be crazy. > who in their ample free time do nothing but attack private citizens > trying to do serious work on Internet. Typically they stalk and > harrass. A solution for this would be that the ISP industry regards to > its sysadmin and workers should be "legally seen as no different from a > telephone operator or telephone service people" and should they play > games of stalking and harrassement upon people not working in the ISP > industry, and thus breaking laws of Telephonery. The equivalent analogy > is a telephone operator calling up private citizens with obscene > telephone calls. > > I will have to wait until February and see how I feel. At present, I > am already engaged in a lawsuit. Keep us posted. What was the outcome of the "Motion For Summary Judgment" that you asked us to explain earlier this month? --> From: Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Archimedes Plutonium) --> Subject: Motion for summary judgement --> Newsgroups: misc.legal --> Organization: learning to become a lawyer --> Date: 6 Dec 1998 04:39:23 GMT --> --> I found out that such a motion has 30 days for response but that --> other motions have only 10 days for response. I understand that a --> summary judgement occurs when the complaint has "no material". And the --> judgement is without trial. --> Can someone give a brief synopsis of "motion for summary judgement" --> and how plaintiffs usually respond to these motions? Also, have you learned the difference between a statute of limitations and a "statue" of limitations yet? --> From: Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Archimedes Plutonium) --> Subject: proving Simple Assault --> Newsgroups: misc.legal --> Date: 25 Oct 1998 03:23:09 GMT --> Organization: learning to become a lawyer --> --> On simple assault of physical contact but no bodily harm, in order to --> prove it, do I need witnesses? --> --> How do courts look at simple assault, because if there are no --> eye-witnesses it seems as though it is his word against my word? --> --> What is the statue of limitations on simple assault? Is it two years? Archie, you're no ordinary lawyer! In fact, you're not even remotely similar to a lawyer. Unless that lawyer is also an idiot. -- K. Justice may be blind, but at least it can tell a law from a sculpture. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Man Held in Piranha Food Choking Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 08:21:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > GLENDORA, Calif. (AP) -- A 26-year-old man was arrested after > allegedly choking his mother because she didn't buy food for his > two pet piranhas. If you have two guard dogs, they're not called "pets". But if you have a tank of bloodthirsty trained piranhas, the Associated Press calls them "pets". Yeah, and the trapdoor was just a "hinged carpet". > Nathan Ricketts was being held Wednesday on suspicion of battery > and possession of drug paraphernalia, Officer John Bur said. Bail > was set at $100,000. So how many dopers who keep killer fish still live with their mothers? This could be a new sitcom: "Me, My Mom, And Two Piranhas." > ``He choked her almost into unconsciousness,'' Bur said. In other words, HE CHOKED HER UNTIL SHE WAS CONSCIOUS!!! > Officers also confiscated two 7-inch-long piranhas that Ricketts > had brought into the house earlier this week and placed in a > 30-gallon aquarium. He refused to tell officers where he got the > bloodthirsty South American fish, which are illegal to own, Bur > said. By the way, 7-inchers can handle goldfish the size of mice. At least if they're the deadly red piranha. I don't know about the sissy black piranha, which these probably were. They have little mouths. The red ones have BIG mouths with LOTS of teensy retractable teeth. Also the red ones can fly, or at least smash against the lid of the tank a lot. > Wildlife officials ordered the fish destroyed, Bur said. ...and he destroyed 'em by (A) not buying them food! (B) feeding them to LARGE CARNIVOROUS FISH! (C) giving them to his brother, Mike Bur, who sold them to NASA co-worker Dean Lenort, who got sued by Archimedes Plutonium for allowing NASA not to buy him food! -- K. "I'm Bur of the Piranha Patrol, and I'll let my assistant Lefty put the cuffs on your piranhas." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.econ,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: mistaking Ameritech AIT symbol with AT&T Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 10:51:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.econ, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Today, looking ahead for the taxes of PAF, Plutonium Atom Foundation, > I started to tabulate the stock transactions for this year. And as I > started, since it is alphabetical according to symbol, I started with > AIT which is Ameritech, but somehow it was stuck in my mind that I was > dealing with AT&T. A pity that their symbol was not made into ATT > rather than T. Anyway, the error got stuck in my mind and somehow a > quantity stocks had vanished (due to my error), Oh no! A quanity of your imaginary stocks became even more imaginary! > and so I piddled around > for 20 minutes looking for where they had gone and only then did I > realize that I was looking at Ameritech AIT and not AT&T. Archie, here's a little tip for you: If you don't even know the ticker symbols of the stocks you own, you're not going to convince people you're a millionaire who only took the dishwashing job on the Dartmouth campus to get an account on the Internet. > Anyone else get hung up on this snafu? It will be a terrible dark day when other people get hung on Archie's snafus. > Good thing I only wasted 20 minutes. Not counting the half-hour it took you to type this missive. > In life, whenever I run into such errors, I try to set myself > an agenda in my mind so as to alleviate such occurrences from happening > again. One time in my past, in my early 20s I lost an expensive pen and > the agenda I set for myself, then, was to always give a glance > backwards before leaving a place-of-work so that I did not leave > anything behind. Of course, this is largely irelevant, because when was the last time you left your place of work? You've been a professional dishwasher for how many decades? > Here the agenda is to say both the company name along with the symbol > and never rely upon symbol only. Have you considered using Dalton symbols, like Jerry Seinfeld does in his cab-driver routine? -- K. "His name was Archimedes and then the chemical symbol for Plutonium!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks,sci.physics From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New insights from the King of Physics Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 10:01:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Just to make sure everyone has this vital information at their fingertips, I'm reposting these from places like sci.logic, sci.math, and sci.physics in an effort to compile these important thoughts into a vast heap of anagrams. Last month, "MacEagle" (at no E-mail address) wrote: > > The letters in Archimedes Plutonium can > be rearragned to spell > > "The delicious rump man" > "Posh, numerical tedium" > "I am unpolished rectum" In various recent articles, "MacMillan" (at no E-mail address) wrote: > > "Archimedes Plutonium" anagram: > > "I am the purloined scum" and: > > "Archimedes Plutonium" anagram: > > "Penis could mature him" and: > > Archimedes Plutonium" anagram: > > "Champion tedium rules" Hmm, I wonder if MacEagle and MacMillan might be related, like twins or something. Earle Jones (ejones12@concentric.net) wrote: > > More anagrams: > > Archimedes Plutonium = > SUPREME HOMICIDAL NUT > MR. METICULOUS PINHEAD > RECOMPUTED HIS ALUMNI > IMPORT EUCLIDIAN MUSH > POUND HEURISTIC LEMMA > HILARIOUS CEMENT DUMP > LUDICROUS HEMP INMATE > MODULATES CHIMP URINE > MULTI-MENU P-ADICS HERO > > ...enough? And Dave Polewka (al037@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) wrote this classic way back in the history-mist-shrouded ancient days of September 1993: > > Ludwig.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu -- anagram (@=a) > ******************************************* > Would I argue math until dump'd out ?? I would just like to add that this post contains no original content by me, except to observe that Swanson's "Fried Chicken" dinners have been "improved" by replacing the fried chicken pieces with a single strange boneless, texture-less white ellipsoid covered with breading, some sort of strange puck-like approximation of bleached white meat. The back of the box informs me, "For those who enjoy classic fried chicken on the bone, our traditional fried chicken dark portions meals have also been improved to now include both white and dark pieces." In other words, they improved the white meat meal by making it a puck, they improved the dark meat by including the white meat they didn't use in the white meat meal, and they refer to them only as "white portions" and "dark pieces" because none of them are really meat. Thank you for reading, and have a happy dot-com! -- K. "But mommy, the catchphrase was cute the FIRST thousand times I said it!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: omega.gov Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 10:34:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Seventh sign of the apocalypse: As Tom Arnold demonstates in the commercials, WebTV users can now post photos. THEY CAN POST PHOTOS!!! In science newsgroups. Under titles like "omega.gov". And brainy descriptions like this: In sci.astro, David Hochanadel (Hochanadel@webtv.net) wrote: > > --WebTV-Mail-1520317450-3020 > Content-Type: Text/Plain; Charset=US-ASCII > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > do do do da da dododo da da > > > > > > > > --WebTV-Mail-1520317450-3020 > Content-Description: Video Snapshot > Content-Disposition: Inline; filename=snapshot-filename > Content-Type: Image/JPEG; Name=snapshot-filename > Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64 [2,600 lines of a blurry frame-grab from a recent Hanna-Barbera cartoon plus a voicemail recording I couldn't play, both with default filenames which included the word "filename", are not shown here because I don't know how to quote something that stupid.] -- K. And he spelled "doodoo" wrong. WEBTVERS CAN'T SPELL DOODOO!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.imploding.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: One Chance Type Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 08:08:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > > > The funniest thing about Knight-Ridder [newspaper syndicate] > > is that, for many many many years, I really *did* think it said > > "Knight Rider". > > That's not funny enough to be a SSC, but it's good fodder for people who > > want to insult me. Not about the confusion of the two, just about the fact that you liked "Knight Rider", a show that was NOT FOR GIRLS! ONLY BOYS! FULLY GROWN-UP ADULT BOYS TOO, NOT KIDS!!! I still envy Berke Breathed for being the first person to realize that "Knight Rider" was a show intended for children. He was a genius! Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I have two spelling bee trophies. Mmm, glass trophies filled with bees. And bacon. I have an award I got for being Vice President of the Schenectady County Community College's Math Club. The inscription reads "FOR VOLUNTEERING BECAUSE SOMEONE HAD TO EVEN THOUGH THIS POSITION ACTUALLY MAKES YOUR RESUME'S LIST OF EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES LESS IMPRESSIVE." > Yet, I could not spell "Roosevelt" until I was 17. > > I thought the creator of Star Trek was Gene "Roodenberry". People under 17 who can spell "Roddenberry": BRAINY nerds. People under 17 who misspell "Roddenberry": DUMB nerds! People under 17 who haven't heard of him: SUPER-JOCKS!!! Short shameful confession: Even when "Knight Rider" originally aired I recognized the "Knight Rider" typeface as Rubens, a popular wood type from the late 1800s. (It was cut in both metal and wood in many different widths, with varying degrees of floridity.) How they chose it I shall never know. If they had hired me I would've drawn something that looked like those faux high-tech futuristic logotypes they put on car bumpers, only actually cool and futuristic, not one of those things that looks like Microgramma Extended with the "E"'s spine removed. ALSO THE "AUTOMAN" TITLE CARD WAS CROOKED!!! > Also, through a weird wackyparsing that occurs on blurry monitors, I > thought the kook that claimed to be Kibo all the time was "Grodor". That phony Tolkein name is activating a distant neuron several miles behind the front of my brain... whirr, bzzt, click, DING DING DING!!! Oh lordy. You have just made an SSI, Inc. reference that has communicated to me something over TEN BILLION LIGHT-YEARS beyond the McIrvin limit, and I'm using "light-year" as a unit of COOLNESS. So to make a surreal association here I would have omitted the above paragraph and talked about Apache Web server directives such as and you would have never known about the people who made all those games where the rulebooks were broken down into numbered sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub paragraphs and every game came with 10,000,000 different cardboard "chits" with armies printed on them off-center and they were so badly perforated that after you spent six hours punching them all out most of the armies had hairy tufts on the corners like that pillow that kept getting censored from "Beetle Bailey". Oh dear, I just went past the McIrvin Limit again. I guess now I'm going to have to mail him an envelope containing all of the belly buttons from "Beetle Bailey" and "I Dream Of Jeannie". -- K. Last night on the Sci-Fi Channel Lee Meriwether ("The Time Tunnel") told the story about how DeForest Kelley used to yank her costume down to look at the contents of her navel. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.imploding.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: One Chance Type Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998 06:56:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dag ]gren FYSI (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > Also, through a weird wackyparsing that occurs on blurry monitors, I > > thought the kook that claimed to be Kibo all the time was "Grodor". > ^^^^^^ > This means "frogs" in Swedish. So are you volunteering to kiss that guy whose name is almost Grodor? What if he also has a bracket in his name and the two of them lock together? > Nope, not even a hint of a point. What kind of hints would a point give? "I'm a baby dot!" I'm not talking about PostScript hints, of course, which can only be applied to PAIRS of points, preferably on opposite sides of a big fat stem. HA! HA! WE'RE TALKING ABOUT DIGITAL TYPOGRAPHY HERE IN THIS THREAD THAT I SAID WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT IT ORIGINALLY!!! -- K. "I'm not allowed to post anything sharper than a rubber ball." -- Dag ]gren FYSI *could* have said this ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Profiles of Courage Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998 06:59:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.tech-support.recovery, "Sentinel" (sentinel@watch.com) wrote: > > Fav Luser Profiles: > > [...] > > Mr. Johnson > Used to have a genius IQ he once told me. He got into a car accident > and now he claims it is a little below average. I told him not to short > change himself, at least he can use a phone. His calls are never without > background noises of yowling cats in heat (he has 40 cats that he breads) For deep-frying or baking? I think you should be more nice to the kind customers who rely on your help. Then they'll start sending you little gifts such as baskets of sliced cat fritters. -- K. Mmm, popcorn whiskers! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Record store DIVIDeRs. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 09:26:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "brian eable" (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote, with annoying spacing: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > The dividers at the Circuit City don't have umlauts in the heavy metal > > band names, but > > > > they capitalize the W in Jeff FoxWorthy's name. > > > > As they should! But I forgot to mention that at Tower Records, they > > put the first two letters of each band name in VIVALDI font, and > > the rest of the name goes in GENEVA font. Now my question for > > Kibo, or maybe Archimedes Plutonium, is, is Tower Records asking > > for a good lawsuiting here? I mean are they just bending over > > with their pants down begging to be lawsuited or what? They > > have deliberately and with malice aforethought STOLEN THE > > PROPRIETARY AND PATENTED FONTING TECHNOLOGY > > SCHEME OF THE PLUTONIUM ATOM FOUNDATION AND > > THEY MUST BE LAWSUITED UNTIL THEY STOP IT! You are right. Also the word "TOWER" on their sign is in a Lefty(R)-styled font and Lefty(R) is patented by Fonts For You(R), the chief typographic innovators of our age, who have invented the system of classifying all fonts as "Basic", "Modern", and "Jazzy", which is why Tower uses stupid fonts on their John Coltrane albums. > > > > What fonts do Circuit City use on their DIVIDeRs, Nick? I was at the Prudential Star tonight and noticed that now all their rolled-up-paper "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR"s have been stolen. I was tempted to grab a carton of milk off the shelf and write "dividEr-DIVIDeR" on it and see how long it would sit by the cash register before someone stole the month-old unrefrigerated milk. > cheers > > Beable van Beable > > BEABLE INDUSTRIES That's "Beable van Beavle", if you want to be authentic to Ludwig van Ludvig. He also said we must pronounce his first name "Log-Wig" because he didn't like "Loot-Wig" or "Lewd-Wig", but I don't know if that made his last name "Log-Fig". Of course, then he changed his name to "Ludwig Plutonium", and then he changed it to "Archimedes Plutonium", and so the next step will be "Archimedes Archemides". -- K. I am still tempted to LEGALLY change my name to Euripides Pantaloonium for twenty-four hours as a performance art/societal protest masterpiece of annoyance. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Rubber or Latex down jackets Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 09:33:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.sex.fetish.fashion, "wiljan" (120010361858@post8.tele.dk) wrote: > > I am looking for girls in rubber or latex Down Jackets black, red, > silver or gold. I have several girls in my apartment who are all wearing latex down jackets but they're all transparent. (And so are the jackets.) Sorry. > Any good sites ? or just post them here. > I also looks for shops. The problem I always run into when shopping for latex down jackets for my harem is that latex down jackets aren't REALLY latex down jackets unless they're stuffed with feathers that are ALSO made of latex. > Regards Trold Me too! -- K. I sense the birth of an in-joke. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,sci.econ,soc.history,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: sci.legal-law Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 07:04:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.usenet.kooks In misc.legal, sci.econ, and soc.history -- three of which couldn't care less -- Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I need some writing on science-legal-laws for my website. So let this > be the start of the discussion which I shall add to as time permits. I > call it legal-law because in physics or the hard core sciences we use > the concept of "law". In physics a law is different from that of what > legal system denotes as law. Yes, and in your case, what you denote as a law is different from what sane people denote as a law. > In an Atom Totality theory, I need to explain the major human fields > of endeavor and legal-law or justice system is one of them. I call this > field sci.legal-law. Also don't forget sci.science-sci and, just for you, alt.sci.physics.archie-plutonium-pu. By the way, I am still wondering about those times when you sign your name as "Pu". Do you pronounce your name "POO" or "PEE-YEW"? Either way would be highly undignified, so I suggest you change your name to a science word that has fewer associations with bathroom humor. My suggestions are as "Uranus" and "latus rectum". > According to the Atom Totality theory since history is physics and > since legal-law systems are embedded in history, then those two > sciences: sci.history and sci.legal-law parallel one another. And > according to the Atom Totality theory, superdeterminism is the > mechanism of what happens. > > Theory of Sci.Legal-Law, using Atom Totality theory: Given any moment > in time whether past, present or future, and provided there is a > legal-law system, then, that legal law system will be composed in such > a manner as to keep a steady and constant social momentum as to the > creation of the next heaviest elements beyond uranium. Are you sure you're not proposing sci.bozo-bo? So, you are proposing a system of laws to prevent people from NOT discovering new elements? Just out of curiosity, how would these codes read in legal terminology? ("Your honor, I would like to call the court's attention to the fact that the plaintiff, Mr. Plutonium -- IF THAT IS INDEED HIS NAME -- while testifying in his lawsuit against NASA, the New York Times, and the Moon IS NOT SYNTHESIZING NEW ELEMENTS BEYOND URANIUM, and I would like to enter into evidence a list of all the elements that Mr. Plutonium is not synthesizing right now. Mr. Plutonium should go to jail until he demonstrates he is capable of discovering at least one new element every five seconds retroactively over his entire life.") > Let me talk about this for gain in clarity. The march of human > history looks rather chaotic and not at all constant and steady. You're absolutely right, it's constantly chaotic. > But really is the march of human history chaotic? No. If you look at human > history through a time line of invention of transportation, then it is > a steady constant flow of ever increasingly better transportation. Look > at a time line of clothing and that also is a steady progress of better > clothes. Newton looked at an apple and deduced the nature of gravitation. Archie is the only scientist I know who can look at a clothesline and deduce the existence of a clothesline. > The entire legal system of all of humanity at a given moment in time > is arranged so as to make the progress of nucleosynthesizing the next > heaviest element in a steady smooth flow. > > We think we make these rules which are legal laws because they are > the best way to "get along". But actually we make these rules because a > higher providence is forcing us to make these laws to abide by. > > To give you an example: slavery. I forget -- is slavery element #1864 or #1865? > Through much of human history, we did not have the modern forms of > power generation. Instead we relied mostly on human or animal power to > do things. Thus, people enslaved other people. And in the past, the > laws were arranged to accomodate slavery. Slavery was an answer for > "power generation" in the past history. Now we see slavery as a sin and > have laws prohibiting, but we also have power generation of energy > through means where slavery would be an impractical alternative. Yeah, it's a good thing we can no longer hire mentally handicapped people to wash dishes for a sub-minimum wage. > So, I am beginning to form a sci.legal-law theory using the Atom > Totality with its Superdeterminism mechanism. And this theory briefly > says that the justice system of the world at any given time (all the > legal-laws combined) is such that the flow of progress of > nucleosynthesizing the next heaviest element beyond uranium is a smooth > and steady flow of progress. Legal laws are made so that all the > actions and interactions of all humans and connected with the > legal-laws associated therewith, are such that the flow of progress of > creating newer heavier elements is a steady and smooth flow progress. > > Economics, like sci.legal-law is also connected in this sort of > picture to nucleosynthesis of heavier elements. > > Think of God as 231Pu and God gives humanity legal-laws. We > understand the laws and the reasons for needing the laws so that > society can run smoothly. But God needs us to have legal-laws because > God is looking into the future of some future endpoint goals that > humanity must reach. God needs heavy elements x, x+1 and x+2 by such > and such a future date. GOD NEEDS HEAVY ELEMENTS! MARS NEEDS WOMEN! ARCHIE NEEDS ELECTROSHOCK! I'd pay to see all three of those, even if they're only movies. > Thus, the legal-laws enacted by humanity are > just those legal-laws that elements x, x+1 and x+2 are > nucleosynthesized on God's time-schedule. Does God use the kind of DayRunner with the perforated pages that He can insert and remove at will, or does he have a PalmPilot? I think He would likely have the PalmPilot, so that He could use it to steal cars that have infrared remote door locks. GOD NEEDS MUSCLE CARS! -- K. Archie Plutonium-inspired heavy-metal band name #13: GOD NEEDS HEAVY ELEMENTS ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Shiny love! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 08:57:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > Anyway, I got something more in the mail. That's what you get for not painting "Stephen.NOSPAM.Tanner.REMOVE.JERK" on the outside of your mailbox. And "MADE.YOU.LOOK" on the inside. And have the guy from "Far Out Space Nuts" decapitated and put his head inside and force him to say "HI, GUY!!!" to the gruntled postal workers. > STRANGER than the Bulgarian newspaper! Did you save the special issue from Alphabet Day like Ed Rondthaler did in his vanity autobiography with the captions in that extra-bold extra-chunky chancery font that he forced Hermann Zapf to design at gunpoint, followed by the usual section in all vanity typographer autobiographies about how all typesetting machines should be programmed to take regular English input but only typeset Special Phonetic English? > MORE MISOGYNISTIC than Fascinating Womanhood! Yes, it's a > MAIL ORDER BRIDES CATALOG! Coming soon: MAIL REQUEST BRIDES. Now 50% less kinky! > But they don't JUST carry mail order brides. They also sell soluble > fiber supplements (see pg. 21!) You may wish I'm kidding! *I* may > wish I'm kidding! BUT IT'S HORRIBLY HORRIBLY TRUE. ...and due to a horrible mixup, Mr. Tanner is now married to a small brown lump of wheat germ. AND HE LIKES IT!!! > There are lots of success stories that aren't that creepy at all, > really, if you don't think about it too hard. Most of the age > differences are barely two decades! Here's one happy ex-bachelor: > > "Love is forever, but with your help I did not have to wait forever to > find this love. First letter to Nataliya was sent by me in August > 1997.... Now, we are happily married and living together in Dunwoody, > Georgia. With Visa problems and lack of proper entertainment in the > previous Soviet Block, I am thankful for the information about meeting > Nataliya in Krakow, Poland" > > Yes, I'm sure concerned citizens are taking to the streets to protest, > not the plunging ruble, but the LACK OF *PROPER* ENTERTAINMENT in the > Ukraine! Send your old Atari cartridges and 8-track cassettes to Ukraine! (They can't afford the players, so they have to hold them up to the light and look at the individual frames.) > And is Krakow, Poland really such a happenin' town in > comparison? And what the hell kind of name is Dunwoody? Wasn't Gorbachev born there? > But there's no time for these questions, nor indeed any form of > coherent thought, as we flip through the pages! > > "Sorry my Inglish is not perfeckt. Please if you interested send > foto." > > Indeed! Send a photo which is not perfeckt. "Dear womanly girl, I really do look much like this 'Solarize' filter of Photo-Shop-Adobe. Also have own pants." > "If you have taken an interest in me & you are not a drunkard or a > drug addict, you are single, kind & attentive, & you feel lonely, then > please, answer my letter." > > Don't set your sights TOO high, there, Tatiana. We should just lay it on the line when we submit our own ads to this catalog: WHETHER YOU LIKE ME OR NOT PLEASE WRITE ME NOW DAMMIT. I AM SORRY THAT MY ENGLISH IS BETTER THAN YOURS. I AM PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. SINCERELY, LEAH IN ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY. > "My personality is pretty close to Scarlett O'Hara because I was never > afraided difficulties in my life & I ever reach my goals." > > ....ARRRGH! IT'S ALL JUST TOO PITIFUL! I DON'T THINK I CAN FINISH > THIS POST, I KEEP THINKING OF STARVING RUSSIAN WOMEN SAVING UP FOR A > POLAROID PHOTO AND BORING 50-YEAR-OLD MEN DROOLING OVER PUBESCENT > FILIPINO GIRLS! IT'S SO EPLOITATIVE AND BANAL AND IT'S PRINTED ON > STINKY PAPER! So it's like a WebTV but the smell comes from the paper instead of the area between my TV set and my VCR? (I STILL CANNOT FIND THE INVISIBLE CHEESE ODOR THAT COMES FROM THE AREA BETWEEN MY AUDIOVISUAL COMPONENTS BUT NOT FROM ANY ONE OF THEM! STINKY CHEESE SMELL IS AN EMERGENT PROPERTY!) -- K. So how come there's WebTV but not WebVCR for taping it? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Soap Bits. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:39:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > A large-ish package, easily big enough to hold a bar of soap in, arrived > for me. Clearly labelled on said package was the "Dove Soap" [dibs] logo. > Inside, however, I found: > > 47 ounces bubble wrap > 1 bar Dove soap, measuring 1 inch by 1/2 inch > Small paper folder with two clear plastic circles in it > Advertising pamphlet > > In the small paper folder, which accompanied the world's smallest bar of > soap, were two plastic circles, and some black squares printed on the > facing page. The folder had directions, which read: > > "Remove one D-SQUAME disk. Apply to clean, dry skin surface. > Press firmly for a few seconds, then transfer disk to a black > Use product, then repeat with other disk. See the difference!" > > Also note that D-SQUAME is dibs by CuDerm Corporation. My last box of hair dye came with a printed pamphlet (as opposed to the handwritten kind) with two plastic gloves printed onto pages two and three of four. So apparently they have a new printing process that can print clothing but only onto propaganda. ALSO I DON'T USE HAIR DYE BEFORE STAGED PHOTO OPPORTUNITIES, MY HAIR JUST NATURALLY SMELLS LIKE CHEMICALS!!! You know you're a nerd when the Boston Herald makes fun of your haircut and puts your photo on the front page just to make sure everyone gets a good look. > My question is this: what the hell? Well, did you de-squame yourself to rid your body of all those awful squamous cells? They're all squamous and wet and squishy like a Baggie filled with Astroglide. I'm sure that without them your body would stay a lot less oozy and drippy. Malta Syracuse (revjack@radix.net), who keeps changing his, her, or its real name just to mess up my archive, wrote: > > Right before I read this, I opened a freebie thingie from the fine folks > at LEVER 2000, which consisted of (1) a blue net drawstring bag, > containing (2) a very small box with a very small bar of LEVER 2000 SOAP > in it, and (3) a green sponge the size and shape of a small child's hand. > Nowhere in the little flier (I was going to type "documentation", just > shoot me now) was there any mention of the Green Sponge Hand. > > So anyways, I did all that, then I read your article, and I thought, > "damn, she beat me to it". What the hell? Was it a left or a right hand? If it's a left hand, tell a lie and it'll turn black if the lie made the Mafia cry. If it's a right hand, then listen to it clap. If it's a neuter hand, then attach it to the end of a Tinkertoy dowel rod and make the world's first one-bladed windmill, which will be powered entirely by people hitting miniature golf balls into it. By the way, miniature golf balls are what we used to call "marbles". > Point for the Marketers: they made me open it. That's hard to do. Unless you're a monkey. Monkeys will open anything, even boxes that turn out to be empty, because they're STUPID! Of course, if you want the monkey to keep opening boxes, you have to give him some sort of worthless toy, like a child's hand made of green styrofoam. Maybe if you keep opening boxes you'll get the rest of the child. -- K. "I hope it's the half that washes!" -- Roald Dahl P.S. HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Soap Bits. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 05:37:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > [...] the monkey to keep opening boxes, you have to give him some sort of > > worthless toy, like a child's hand made of green styrofoam. > > > > Maybe if you keep opening boxes you'll get the rest of the child. > > Good, at least I wasn't the only one who thought the child-hand in the > boap box was a little perverted. You're using boap, the new soap-on-a-rope made entirely from live bees? No wonder it stings your eyes! Besides, you only bought it because of all the subliminal product placements on the original "Star Trek": KIRK Spock, what's our position? SPOCK I shall endeavor to detect our position... now. (SPOCK switches on his glowing blue ViewMaster.) VIEWMASTER (sound effect) BOAP! BOAP! BOAP! BUYBOAP! BOAP! BOAP! BOAP! BUYBOAP! SPOCK Captain, I suggest that in our position the only logical next step would be... to BUY BOAP. KIRK Spock -- boap! What is -- boap? CHEKOV Kiptin, boap wis inwintid bi Pitir Thi Grit. UHURA Sir, they say he used to use it to elminate grit. Boap, I mean. VIEWMASTER (sound effect) BOAP! BOAP! BOAP! BUYBOAP! BOAP! BOAP! BOAP! BUYBOAP! SULU Oh, my! Boap sounds _fantabulous_! KIRK Spock, could this -- lack of -- 'boap' -- be -- the -- reason -- why -- we -- don't have anyyyyyyy........... boap? SPOCK Captain, boap boap boap, boap boap, boap boap. BUY BOAP! RIKER Boap! Boap! Burp! KIRK Get back in Matt McIrvin's pastiche, you -- fat -- hairy -- SPOCK Captain, this bickering is pointless. I am leaving. (SPOCK walks off the set through the wall, leaving a huge rip in the cardboard. The air is sucked out of the ship and everyone dies.) -- K. BOAP A HAPPY DOT-COM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Starbucks Opens New Shops Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 09:05:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Lisa P once told me that she had a conversation with her son about > what goes into the hole in your body after the appendix is taken out. > She said they fill the hole with packing peanuts, and the Feral Boy > corrected her by saying "no, mom! they put in a Starbux!" > > CUTE BOY! Yes, but HE WAS THE REASON THEY CANCELLED "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"! I swear, someday I'm going to open a chain of tofu shops named "Ensign Greenbeans". And they'll cook all their food over electric stoves. I still like how the shops are "Starbucks" and not "Starbuck's" to indicate that (a) there was more than one of Dirk Benedict and (b) it was also a "Blakes7" reference. And now, back to the important topic at hand. FUN THINGS I WOULD LIKE MY BODY FILLED WITH IF ENOUGH IMPORTANT ORGANS HAVE TO BE REMOVED THAT I WOULD NOT ENJOY LIFE UNLESS THEY REPLACED THEM WITH FUN THINGS: 1.) A Pez dispenser of very high capacity. 2.) The sound of Lucille Ball crying... NOT fake! 3.) A new videogame by Eugene Jarvis, preferably with THREE joysticks for the one spaceship. Not counting the "reverse", "thrust", "turn", "accelerate", and "brake" buttons and the special "orthogonal/diagonal" toggle switch. 4.) A special form of cotton candy that lasts forever inside your body but still tastes yummy. And you can eat it with your lungs. 5.) A bowling alley and some beer. Preferably not TOO cold. 6.) Mr. Potato Organ. -- K. I'm gonna keep talking about Eugene Jarvis until he posts something to alt.religion.kibology. THEN EVERYONE CAN STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM FOREVER!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Starbucks Opens New Shops Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 10:00:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net), who works for NASA but isn't being sued by Archimedes Plutonium, wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) writes: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > FUN THINGS I WOULD LIKE MY BODY FILLED WITH IF ENOUGH IMPORTANT ORGANS > > > > HAVE TO BE REMOVED THAT I WOULD NOT ENJOY LIFE UNLESS THEY REPLACED > > > > THEM WITH FUN THINGS: > > > > > > > > 2.) The sound of Lucille Ball crying... NOT fake! > > > > > > I believe this is the only sound she made throughout the movie "Critic's > > > Choice". > > > > Yay! Dean Lenort watched TCM last night while I was watching TCM! This > > is as bonding as two people gazing upon the same star! > > > > Also, my favorite part of "Critic's Choice" is that Bob Hope pretends to > > be the father of a young teenaged son. When we all know that Bob Barker had him neutered when they were both growing up in Beat The Clock, Nebraska in 1847. > > Excuse me, he would have been easily 55 when that kid was born. That was before they raised the Bob Hope Is Old Limit to 65. > > And don't get me started about Lucille; > > she only got away with it because she was the kids' *step*mom. > > The thing is, I didn't watch the movie. Any movie that has both Lucille > Ball and Bob Hope in it has to be used as a Kibological throw away line. Especially if Bob Hope pulls the rope in front of the sign which says PULL ROPE TO DROP PANTS. > I actually spent last night at work and neither Bob Hope or Lucille Ball > came up as topics of discussion during the evening. Weird, eh? We talk about them at work all the time. But anyway, I haven't watched TCM lately because I've been too busy watching Ted Turner's only other channel, TBS, which has taken three weeks out of its "All Beastmaster, All The Time" schedule to show all the bad James Bond movies three times and all the good ones once. In "From Russia With Love" there's that scene where Hakim Bey and Bond are getting ready to assassinate the Commie assassin who's about to come out the secret exit of his headquarters, and when Bond has the gun assembled he props it up on the Turkish guy's shoulder and looks through the dark red filter which lets him see in darkness and what he sees is -- A LARGE RED CROSSHAIR SUPERIMPOSED ON THE WORDS "BOB HOPE". It turns out the secret Commie hideout is behind a giant poster for some Broccoli/Saltzman film starring Anita Ekberg and Bob Hope (I think it's "Marry Me Bwana" -- I am not making this up) and the guy comes out through Anita Ekberg's mouth and Bond caps him. But the first thing we see through the site really is "BOB HOPE". I think that in the new nineteenth Bond film (in which he prevents the Year 2000 Bug) they better have an ending where he shoots Bob Hope or I won't go see it more than twice. -- K. Also whenever I'm playing baccarat I always introduce myself as "My name'sh Kibo. Me Kibo." By the way, I actually know how to play baccarat. AND I WAS SO DISAPPOINTED WHEN I FOUND OUT IT'S NOT HALF BACALAITOS AND HALF RAT!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Starbucks Opens New Shops Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 04:09:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It turns out the secret Commie hideout is behind a giant poster for > > some Broccoli/Saltzman film starring Anita Ekberg and Bob Hope (I think > > it's "Marry Me Bwana" -- I am not making this up) and the guy comes out > > through Anita Ekberg's mouth and Bond caps him. > > The thing I like best about Anita Ekberg is that she was born on the > same day, hour, and minute that I was, and she is famous, and I am not, > which proves that astrology is a big lie. No, it proves that you're AS OLD AS BOB HOPE. Why, YOU'RE OLDER THAN GOD PLUS MICKEY MOUSE AND "I LOVE LUCY" RERUNS!!! So did you take the job at Hewlett-Packard back before Hewlett joined, when they just made cars? -- K. ALSO I WILL NOT USE HP'S SCREEN SAVER BECAUSE I LIKE FISH! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Starbucks Opens New Shops Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 06:39:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So did you take the job at Hewlett-Packard back before Hewlett joined, > > when they just made cars? > > Actually, you guessed it right, in a way. My father and 2 other guys > did a startup in Boonton, which was known as "Vacuum-tube Valley" in the > 30's, because of the Rockaway River Valley. Bakelite had been invented > in Boonton in 1906 and a lot of electronics companies started up in the > next 2 decades, making instruments to test plastics. > My dad invented the Q-meter EWW! YOU'RE Q. RON HUBBARD JUNIOR!!! Okay, now I have to go look up "Q-meter" so that I can insult you smarter. Just a second: -> The Q meter is not just a "prestige" instrument to be dusted off each -> morning when opening the shop or lab. It is fully capable of performing -> many tasks in a matter of minutes that ordinarily require considerable -> mechanical and mathematical dexterity. Originally a Q meter was out -> of financial reach of the average service shop but now Heathkit -> ingenuity has brought it into line. HAW! HAW! HEATHKIT SAYS YOUR Q-METER HAS NO PRESTIGE! ALSO HEATHKIT MAKES THEM SO THEY MUST SUCK! > (my sister still has the prototype on her > hearth) and they started Boonton Radio Corporation in 1934 to build it, > when I was 3 years old. Hewlett and Packard got together in 1938, and > they bought Boonton Radio Corp. in 1959, so you could say I was > "involved" with HP 4 years before either H or P was. And there is > no relation between Dave Packard of HP and the motorcar manufacturer > James Ward Packard, or the computer company Packard Bell. Except by marriage. All three of them. > I listened to Bob Hope on my crystal radio, because my parents would > not let me listen to him in the living room because his jokes were "too > dirty". He would end his show each Sunday with a "dirty limerick", > such as: > "When roses are red, they ought to be plucked. Girls seventeen, ought to > be Goodnite Folks". Thanks for the memories. I think the Heathkit catalog says something like "#123A, Crystal Radio Set. Once you assemble this fun kit you can listen to Bob Hope on your new crystal radio. NOTE: You may not listen to anyone else." -- K. I like Q-meters, I really do. P.S. An entry from a Web discussion board: -> Re: AC Resistance (formerly Spice Simulation Pictures) -> To: tesla@pupman.com -> Subject: Re: AC Resistance (formerly Spice Simulation Pictures) -> From: "Edward V. Phillips" -> Date: Wed, 6 Nov 1996 17:37:47 -0800 (PST) -> [...] -> -> This "substitution" method is an excellent way to -> measure the effective PARALLEL resistance of a very high-impedance -> or a very low-impedance (make that reactance) coil, in the region -> where a Q-meter can't work well. I have used it for years -> and find it plenty accurate enough "for government work". I will keep that in mind the next time the government asks me to switch from simulating Spice Girls movies to measuring the effective parallel resistance of a very high impedance coil. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go do marketing research on the next twenty proposed Spice Girls movies. (I honestly cannot figure out what Q-meters have to do with "Spice Simulation Pictures" or Starbucks opening new shops, except to apologize for the fact that Bob Hope is somehow involved.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.food.taco-bell,alt.religion.kibology,alt.tech-support.recovery From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: TAKO BELL BOBBING DOG Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:48:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.food.taco-bell, Nita Reardon (nita45@netins.net) wrote: > > A few days back there was an "ad" to sell bobbing, drinking Tako Bell dogs. > I didn't copy it and would love to have a copy if anyone has it. You may want to call this to the attention of alt.tech-support recovery. I'm sure they will be pleasantly surprised to learn that there are now bobbing dogs. Just out of curiosity, did anyone at the ad agency get fired for saying "By the way, doesn't anyone else think that showing ads where a dog likes our taco filling make it really obvious that our tacos are filled with Alpo?" > God Bless, Nita > nita45@netins.net God Bless Kibo -- K. P.S. Have a happy dot-com! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Big Problem With Having The Flu... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 07:42:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor beable@my-dejanews.com, who definitely has no Real Name, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The big problem with having the flu is that you might accidentally > > try to watch the movie "Bugsy Malone" even though you've seen it before > > and you've been drinking Nyquil before midnight so you think it might > > be better this time but it's still got Scott Baio and he's still singing. > > Wow! Just like in Happy Days! Yeah, I drank Nyquil during every episode of "Happy Days"! > Also I should point out that > I am just replying to this post BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE COULD > BE BOTHERED TO! AND MAYBE KIBO WANTED SOMEBODY TO REPLY > SO THAT HE COULD SEGUE INTO A REALLY FUNNY FLU JOKE! I think that cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough coffity cough cough the Plutonium Atom (hiccup) Totality is cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough > OR MAYBE HE WANTED SOME *SYMPATHY*, SOMETHING THAT YOU > NO-GOODNIK ARKERS HAVE IN VERY SHORT SUPPLY! Poor Kibo, > is your flu getting better yet? Please tell us what > drugs you are taking so that we can look it up on rxlist. I had some dehydrated Hebrew Alef-Bet soup but my appetite was severely suppressed so I only ate the vowels. By the way, the box shows a montage of Hebrew letters WITH VOWELS, and they don't actually make 'em in the soup. I WANT TO SUE! I COULD BECOME ANTI-SEMITIC JUST BECAUSE OF THIS CHEAP SOUP! > > Also "flu" seems like one of those nonsense words that are > > written on signs in Ming's Super market like "SHR IMP". > > Do you get that funny smell up your nose when you get the > flu? It's a weird smell that makes everything taste funny... > HEY KIBO! WHILE YOU'VE GOT THE FLU THIS IS YOUR CHANCE > TO EAT DURIANS AND MAYBE THEY WILL TASTE GOOD! I actually opened all my jars of asafetida to test that theory. It's not true. Also, I don't get the Funny Smell, but when I cough really hard the back of my throat suddently tastes like copper. I think I'll go suck a nine-volt battery. -- K. Like your pal 2XL! You can play ring toss on his head! YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH ANY OTHER DOLL-LIKE STATUE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: TV for Dummies Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 05:19:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In one of those hideously expensive high-quality news distribution channels that make up ClariNet, Frazier Moore, AP Television Writer) wrote: > > Subject: TV for Dummies ME FROW UP NOW!!! > NEW YORK (AP) -- It looks like we'll never learn. Even so, all us > dummies and complete idiots are buying lots of self-help books. I need to publish something titled "SMART PEOPLE WON'T BUY THIS BOOK" and make a billion dollars. > To serve this thirst for instant knowledge, guides with > ``Dummies'' and ``Complete Idiot's'' in their titles scramble to > give us the lowdown on such mysteries as wine, impeachment, > depression and Beanie Babies. DEPRESSION FOR DUMMIES: BUY SOME BEANIE BABIES! YOU LIKE BEANIE BABIES! WINE FOR DUMMIES: RED WINE IS RED! WHITE WINE IS CLEAR! IT'S ALL THE SAME! IMPEACHMENT FOR DUMMIES: WAIT, YOU SAID YOU WERE A CONGRESSMAN! BEANIE BABIES FOR DUMMIES: DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH! > Now, help is here for everyone confounded by television. It's called an "OFF" switch. > TV-watching -- you say you can't quite master it? Well, TV > doesn't have to make you feel like a Big Dope anymore! So check the > following excerpts from ``TV for Big Dopes.'' Then go look for the > book at your retailer's. It won't be there, but you need a break > from the tube anyway. Wait... why won't it be there? Is it sold out already? If it's not there how can you print eggzurps from it? WAAH MOMMY THE AP WRITER IS BADDENING UP HIS COLUMN!!!!! > [...] > BETCHA DIDN'T KNOW: Just because you can hear audience laughter > on a sitcom doesn't mean it's funny. This is because NO SITCOMS ARE FUNNY. > JARGON ALERT: > -- ``All-new.'' Commonly used by the networks to mean ``Guess > what, this episode won't be a rerun!'' He forgot that "new" means "5% new footage", "classic" or "encore" means "re-run", and "very special" is "stink-o-rama". > -- ``World Wide Web.'' Refers to a companion source of > information for computer-savvy viewers. (TEN BILLION DANCING BEARS DO THE POLKA ACROSS YOUR SCREEN, THEN THIS ARTICLE FOLDS ITSELF UP INTO A PAPER AIRPLANE AND SAILS OUT OF THE ROOM, DOWN THE HALL, AND INTO A TOILET, WHICH FLUSHES IT AND THEN BARFS IT BACK UP.) > ------ > Elsewhere in television ... > FASCINATING: Another year, another list: ``Barbara Walters > Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 1998.'' The hour-long > ABC News special highlighting some of the year's biggest names in > entertainment, politics, sports, science and business will be > broadcast Tuesday at 10 p.m. EST. Walters will interview ``Ally > McBeal'' star Calista Flockhart, Academy Award-winning director of > ``Titanic'' James Cameron, ex-Spice Girl and United Nations > goodwill ambassador Geri Halliwell, talk-show host Jerry Springer, > astronaut/senator John Glenn, Microsoft's Bill Gates, home-run hero > Mark McGwire, comedian Chris Rock and Academy Award-winning actor > Tom Hanks. I agree, television needs to be made dumber. NOW PUT NBC'S "SEAQUEST DSV" BACK ON THE AIR OR I'LL KILL DAVID HOROWITZ!!! -- K. IT'S ONLY A BB GUN!!! IT'S ONLY "SEAQUEST"!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: V2g Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 05:59:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.geo.geology -- the newsgroup about ROCKS, mind you, ROCKS, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) keeps writing this unparsable salad for reasons no one can fathom: > > Friday Voyage to Gravolti. (-24) ? -0,-6,-12,-18,-24 > ------------------------------------------- ? > It would be very difficult to place into words > what actually takes place in such inquiries as > i would attemt to describe, SO i won't rally try. > ================================================= > I crossed the street, and could see the number 17 > crossing the bridge, going down Everit 2 blocks away. > Even had i been on Everit, it was still two blocks > from there to the bus stop on 14th. Then i decided > being already 4 blocks behind schedule, to keep > on present course and speed onward to Burnside > the street that devides this town North from South. > ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: > I was traveling South, and arived at Burnside, > crossed I405 on the Burnside Bridge and looked > tward the west hills for the #20. {not seen} > ? procceding tward the Court house I left the > Pioneer Court House Square block at 1:23 when the > temp was 43. > ??????? > Ariving at the NW corner of the 3rd floor > of the Multnomah Co. Court House about 1:30. > The notice on the wall said 1:45 so I went instead > to the Federal Court, to again to look for Newman. > goto begining: > After giving up, i returned to the other court > to sit in on a nearly empty room, & listen to the > whispers. > Then one more visit to the Clerks on the 7th floor. > It was not in whispers. Finley I was headed Down on > the Elevator and left by the side door. Empty Handed! > ___ Line 33 .&1/3 98-12-18 7:42 A.M. Just out of curiosity, are you defending yourself against a lawsuit by Archimedes Plutonium? If not, you're in trouble. -- K. I wish Archie would get off his butt and tell us whether he's winning his imaginary lawsuit against me so I can find out. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: walmart surecener is to big Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 06:03:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In free.activism.walmart, James Barry (jkbarry@webtv.net) wrote, and I quote in full: > > Subject: walmart surecener is to big > > Ilike the old stres better. if you would like to go to waolmart whith > me write me > > JKBARRY@webtv.net Hey, I loved your book "Peter Pan", but the next time I see you in a Wal-Mart I'm callin' a Code Adam. -- K. I still haven't found out what the ONE ONE THREE ON THE ESCALATOR at Park Street was... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.alien.visitors,alt.mcdonalds.crew From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Would Transistors Have Been in the Roswell Spaceship Wreckage ? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:55:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In eight newsgroups, Andrea Chen (fallinghawks@earthlink.net) wrote: > > [...] > I use Usenet. As I pointed out before using the theories of Bohm, > Sheldrake, Penrose and our Jack Sarfatti (Yay!) this communications grid > is connected to the underlying quantum computer and provides a model of > all reality. While my more exact techniques are clasified (much like > advanced positioning technology), a PROOF of what I'm saying can be had > by studying the quality and variety of aliens which appear in this group > (though for advanced work I use a cross-correlation of at least 300) has > declined over the years. We don't even get many more Nordics and > reptoids anymore much less the thousands of kinds once documented. > There is indeed a clear decline, a de-evolution. I have tried to > reverse this process by reintroducing John Winston, but alas the quality > and variety of his posts has declined. Much worse there is no > interest. How I long for the days of Dean Adams who used to spend at > least a half dozens posts every day reacting to John's visions thus > stamping them into the deeper subatomic reality from which all such > things come. Suppose your theory is true and subatomic things are smaller than atoms but BETTER and MORE IMPORTANT and generally COOLER. Would the term "subatomic" still apply? I think not, as subatomic stuff is too HEFTY to be sub-anything. FROM NOW ON WE SHOULD CALL PROTONS AND QUARKS "HEFTATOMIC"! > It is possible that we can reverse the trend. I'm currently working on > a model of the universe as a giant plutonium atom (of which Usenet is a > shadow) with a parallel dimensional plutonium atom in the middle of each > of our brains and computers. Unfortunatly known spook psyop kibo is > doing his best to repress this discovery. Some people have suggested I > call Serdar up from his dark pits to cleanse the net, but due to my well > known kindness and humanity; I hesitate. I also fear to do this > because if this last resort is resorted to, then for the next 3 years > all evil aliens will turn out to be of Armenian origin. Do you realize > what this will do to x-files, not to mention the volatile region of > Anatolia? You forgot to work $EXY PSYCHIC PLANT$/CAU$E$ OF WAR$ into this, not to mention the drawings made by your little Finnish daughter. Also, stop telling people I'm repressing you! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED to be repressed! -- K. Have A Happy Dot-Com!!! Hugs & Subatomic Kisses. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: This Week's Events. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 07:09:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor 1.) Bill Clinton got impeached, and the Speaker Of The House resigned before being sworn in, and it pre-empted that lame home-video-bloopers show before "The Simpsons" but not "The Simpsons". Also tonight's episode had Bart meeting "Lost In Space"'s Dr. Smith at a lame sci-fi convention, and Dr. Smith turned out to be a pedophile, and I thought it was funny 'cause he didn't really seem like a pedophile when I met him at a lame sci-fi convention. But now I'll be careful. 2.) We bombed Iraq for three days to enforce the UN's demands. Oh, if only the UN's webmaster had listened to me! from http://www.un.org/arabic: -> -> -> ^^^^^^ I sent them polite mail about this typo that makes their pages that are supposed to be in Arabic display in some other kind of gibberish, but they didn't listen to me and so it wasn't fixed and THERE WAS A WAR! Or at least some stuff on CNN. I think it was a war, but since nobody on our side got killed it doesn't really count. Anyway, only Bill Gates, owner of the original Microsoft Window, can read the UN's Arabic message of peace, and he doesn't care because he lives in a special bomb-proof robotic house. 3.) Mouse Systems Inc. no longer denies that they manufacture optical mice for Macs, although they still don't have the three-button kind. However, I was able to order some more of the one-button optical mice for my stockpile in case the UN starts a nuclear war by bombing the White House when Bill Clinton refuses to leave. My old optical mouse hasn't worn out yet (no moving parts) but the pad has, so I need to order several pads for each mouse and then I should be all set for Mac mice for the next fifty years or so, unless all my mice explode on January 1, 2000. 4.) I think my flu is gone except there's still some mucus in my body somewhere and I won't rest until it's all gone. -- K. 5.) Also this week I made up the hip new catchphrase everyone WANTS to say, "Have a happy dot-com!"