Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Announcement! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 08:12:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor As a certifiable billionaire, it is my duty to announce that I plan to be the first person to travel all the way around Usenet in a hot-air balloon. I will start at the first newsgroup, 3dfx.d3d.drivers, and progress in a zee-ward direction through alt.* and comp.* and sci.* and so on up to zippo.general, at which point I will return to 3dfx.d3d.drivers and attempt to land. Currently my staff is working to secure permission to fly through the many moderated newsgroups, such as alt.aol-sucks.moderated, alt.binaries.celebrities.fake.moderated, and sci.physics.research. Wish me luck in not getting shot down over rec.sport.pro-wrestling.moderated! I would also like to point out that I am taking a year's supply of Pez, although this trip should be completed next week. I like having a balloon filled with Pez. Now, if you'll excuse me, Pezzelin 1 is ready for lift-off! -- K. VROOM! WHOOSH! ZOOM! (Yes, all hot-air balloons make supersonic turbine noises, at least when you're a billionaire.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Bad Idea. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 08:30:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just drained an almost-empty glue bottle into an almost-full glue bottle by putting one on top of the other upside down, like ketchup, only without that special plastic hole that Lillian Vernon sells for doing it for stupid people. I just put one bottle on top of the other. The problem is it's kind of hard to cap the bottles now that they're glued together. -- K. The good news is that I don't need any glue anyway! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 03:35:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, so I finally had a chance to finish formatting and illustrating 343 hurriedly-slapped-together pages of the best articles from the first third alt.religion.kibology. (The year was big enough that I had to break it into thirds to make it easily manipulable -- the year may wind up totalling 1,000 pages.) You may recall that the 1996 book included a couple dozen photos of Desi Arnaz Jr. with his mouth wide open, and a promise that 1997 would bring more of them. And boy, did it ever! You can see Desi Jr.'s mouth open at all ages from pre-teen hearthtrob to the present day (appearing in the Sci-Fi Channel's tribute to the genius that was "Automan".) The book also features numerous other exciting action pics, plus a lot of inaction pics, such as the page of kinky frog photos and three pages of mannequins in compromising positions. And, of course, there's text. Every article I posted to alt.religion.kibology from January 1997 to April 1997 is in there, plus a few worthwhile articles by people who aren't me. (The majority of you people have been discarded because NOBODY would want to read a 20,000-page book. I'm sorry, it's not my fault that I like myself better than you.) Go to www.kibo.com and look under "Download Big Files", and I should point out that 1997 Volume 1 (ark1997a.pdf) is a big file. It's about fourteen megabytes. As always, Adobe Acrobat Reader version 3 (or later) is required to read it. (Get it at www.adobe.com) You can look at the pretty color pictures on your very own computer screen, or you can print it out on your laser printer and read all 343 pages of text without making your eyes bleed. (But unless you have a color printer, you'll have to do BOTH to get the full experience! You NEED to read this twice 'cause I'm EVIL!) If you already have Acrobat Reader installed (you nerd) and don't want to look at my Web site (you DOUBLE NERD), you can just FTP the book directly from its place of archival: ftp://ftp.std.com/pub2/alt.religion.kibology/ark1997a.pdf And remember, Kibo's official Web site has it all: http://www.kibo.com The 1997B volume is under construction right now! -- K. If you think a 14-megabyte PDF is excessive, I should point out that the PostScript file that was "distilled" into it was 145 megabytes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Brain Failure. Clear the area immediately. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 07:11:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Remember when Jaffo posted proof that Jaffo was ST00PID because he forgot to rinse the shampoo out of his hair? Well, today I was making some microwave popcorn during a commercial in Mystery Science Theater 3000 ("Hobgoblins"). It turned out kind of stale, but that's beside the point. When I put the stupid bag of Orville Redenbacher's "Redenbudders" artificially flavored color-enhanced yellow-like popcorn into the microwave, I punched in "5:00" (I didn't type the colon, just 5-0-0) and hit "Start". Nothing happened and I wondered why. Then I noticed the door was wide open. I AM THE REASON THERE IS A SAFETY INTERLOCK EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK IN THE HOUSE OF TOMORROW! (Bill Gates has a safety interlock on his bed.) I should like to point out, as I have done before, that if I had wanted six or seven minutes I would have punched in "5:55" or "6:66" respectively. However, for five or eight minutes I will not do "4:44" or "7:77" -- the finger motion those save is offset by the fact that the food will overcook or undercook up to sixteen seconds instead of six. Thus, I have demonstrated that the amount of energy it takes to move a human finger half an inch can cook food for between six and sixteen seconds. QED. -- K. Also, Orville Redenbacher is having an affair with Mrs. Butterworth. A very messy, not to mention sticky, affair. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Brain Failure. Clear the area immediately. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 10:24:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jaffo (jaffo@jaffo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Remember when Jaffo posted proof that Jaffo was ST00PID because he forgot > > to rinse the shampoo out of his hair? > > I'm ready for 1999 now. I have proof that Kibo actually read one of > my posts. Wrong! In a court of law, all you can prove is that I know that you said you were ST00PID in all caps except for the O's which were in binary! I might have just gleaned the content of that message by assumption after I saw the "Subject:" header ("Proof that Jaffo is ST00PID") and said "Hey, my killfile's not working right. And I knew he was ST00PID in all caps with zeros for ohs. I will assume he doesn't know how to operate shampoo." > I've waited the entire year for this. > > Well, okay, actually I've waited the entire year for Shania Twain to > get naked for a prominent men's magazine. > > But that thing about Kibo was on my mind, too. > > At least I'm not in his killfile. Or at least I WASN'T, six months > ago when I wrote that. The fastest way to get into a mean person's killfile is to loudly point out that you're not in their killfile. > But wait. Maybe I've sucked a lot worse since then and I'm in his > killfile NOW, so I would be getting all happy for nothing. Did anyone hear a noise in here? Like a microscopic invisible silent insectoid paramecium flying around. > Whew. Glad I caught that in time. I almost gained a little > SELF-ESTEEM there. Don't worry, if that happens I'll just repost your first ten Usenet articles. Then you'll get your followups from me! But only to stuff you said years ago, which will make me older and smarter than you! -- K. Go watch TV. I think they're almost up to the "PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS" scene. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.toys.virtual-pets,alt.religion.kibology,alt.toys.my-little-pony From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dire Warning: Furby, Your Fun Pal Of DEATH!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 07:17:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I have horrible, urgent news for everyone. I was recently checking all my home appliances for compatibility with the "Year 2000 Bug" by setting the clocks on my TV, VCR, microwave oven, etc. ahead to the distant future, the year 2000. None of my appliances blew up or melted down, but -- because my Furby's infrared sensor was pointed at my VCR's remote control port, when I set my VCR to the year 2000, my Furby did something very frightening! It spun around, said a dirty word, and then made a very high-pitched noise which was at the approximate resonant frequency of the human head (0.440 kilocycles per second.) Fortunately I was protected because I was wearing my Walkman at the time! If I had been just an ordinary schmo, that high-pitched signal would have made my head explode! Heaven only knows why! Taking apart the Furby proved my theory: The Furby is filled with extra gears which are not connected to anything! These are for activating its secret powers in the Year 2000! If you do not have a Furby, do not buy one, let the other bozos buy them all. If you do have a Furby, protect yourself by keeping it in a soundproof isolation booth. And, whether or not you already own one of the little monsters, always wear a Walkman at all times in case you are near a Furby when one activates in the terribly near future year 2000. IF YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME AND FURBY MAKES YOUR HEAD EXPLODE DON'T COME CRYING TO ME. Other than that, I love Furby! -- K. Bye, and have a "happy dot-com"! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dire Warning: Furby, Your Fun Pal Of DEATH!!!! Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 22:02:05 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Leah Verre (fleabite@duh.seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Bye, and have a "happy dot-com"! > > Kibo, if you keep using that sig line, I'm going to kick you in the butt > dot-com. I am going to keep using it forever and ever, and the only thing that could ever convince me to stop saying this wonderful phrase would be if everyone else in the world adopted it so that it became less hip. -- K. HAVE A HAPPY DOT !!!! AND A MERRY COM !!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: dot-eye-cue Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:26:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor You know, what with the U.S. just blowing up a bunch of their military installations again, you'd think Saddam Hussein would have something better to complain about than "We don't have Internet access because of the U.N. economic sanctions." Just think -- if Iraq gets on the Internet, we're going to start seeing posts from Iraqi newsbies using cheap imitation WebTVs. The ironic part of this is that all their E-mail addresses would end with ".webtv.IQ" and everyone would think they were really brainy. (By the way, last I saw, the .IQ domain's nameserver was in Texas.) So I say to prevent this from happening, (1) We must bomb Iraq some more, and (2) We must blow up WebTV! -- K. I'm still jealous of the guy who thought of claiming www.aq. (.AQ is Antarctica.) "The Weinermobile is a vehicle with a large imitation hot dog on top." -- CNN Headline News just now ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dumb Dreams of Doggy Doody Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 05:23:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Anywho, I had a dream that my dog's pee-pee sheet was on the floor at work > because my dog lived there. I think this suggests a new motto for alt.religion.kibology: Alt.Religion.Kibology -- The Internet's Pee-Pee Sheet "Hey! Put some alt.religion.kibology articles on the floor before you let your ferret out of its cage!" Rabbits make little doot dots but ferrets make big doot doodles. If you were to sort all the animals in the world by doot size, where is the crossover point between dainty dotty doots and disgusting doodle doots? Also, isn't there something about a woodchuck upchucking? Please help me because my homework is due before the field trip to the pet store located in the McDonalds at the mall. -- K. Also, why didn't Shaggy name him Scooty Dooty Doo? I mean, A. A. Milne got away with "Pooh Bear". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Hooray! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1998 11:45:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The International Astronomical Union is debating whether to downgrade Pluto from a planet to "a minor planet"! At last, the scientists of the world have realized that Pluto isn't as important as Vulcan! -- K. Not to mention Krypton, Planet X, and the terrifying Planet Of The Apes! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Hooray! Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 00:36:37 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The International Astronomical Union is debating whether to downgrade > > Pluto from a planet to "a minor planet"! > > Actually, they are debating whether to include it in with the minor > planets AS WELL AS continuing to include it with the planets. WAAH! YOU JUST RUINED THE SOLAR SYSTEM FOREVER!!! ASTRONOMY IS NO LONGER COOL!!! > Minor Planet "magic" number 10,000 is coming up soon, and they would like it > to be "special". Tune in next week to see the Enterprise visit a Very Special Planet. KIRK: "Oh... my... God! Spock is... trapped in a refrigerator! And he's... SMOKING!" > Microsoft's release of Windows 2000 has been delayed until the second > quarter of 1901. Oh, big deal. Like anyone even installed Windows 96 through 99. I think it would be really nifty if they released an operating system in 2001 that wasn't Year 2000-ready. They wouldn't need to fix it, they would just include a big yellow sticker which says "TOO LATE!" -- K. HAVE A HAPPY YEAR 2000 DOT COM!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.cereal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:25:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A TV commercial comes on during the morning cartoons. It shows a bowl of sugar-coated cardboard flakes and asks, "HOW DO THEY CRAM ALL THAT GRAHAM?" and then there's a power failure and the TV explodes in the darkness. (pause) A BOZO will say, "Yeah, how DO they cram all that graham?" A NORMAL will say, "WHY do they cram all that graham?" A KIBOLOGIST will say, "WHERE do they cram all that graham, and where are the incriminating photographs?" If you are not a Bozo, Normal, or Kibologist, then you need to watch more cartoons every morning until you become at least one of the three. Also, graham crackers were invented to inhibit masturbation in boys. I am not making this up. (And when I was in Sunday school snacktime was ALWAYS Kool-Aid and graham crackers. Did Sid & Marty Krofft also design the Kool-Aid pitcher to inhibit normal sexuality? I suspect that they did, because, hey, "The Bugaloos".) -- K. Why does the new "Fantasy Island" have wacky music playing during all the serious scenes? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 06:54:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, graham crackers were invented to inhibit masturbation in boys. > > I am not making this up. > > I remember a cereal called "S.W. Graham" and the box sang praises of > how graham crackers were the most wholesome food in the universe. > All this time I just figured other food was just more risque. Yes, especially the cereal with holes in it. And those new Trix with the little banana shapes. NEVER MIX THEM WITH CHEERIOS!!! > In academics, you cite sources. In Usenet, it works differently. > Kibo just says "I am not making this up". This proves that he is > not the same person as Archimedes Plutonium because he admits to > making everything up. I admit to making up everything except Archimedes Plutonium and the stuff about cereals that don't make you masturbate the way regular cereals do. > I'd like to hear more about how the inventors figured that a new > type of yummy cracker could curb wanking. Then you would probably enjoy the fact-based, enema-oriented movie "The Road To Wellville", in which Matthew Broderick gets 573 different enemas from Dr. Kellogg. Alas, the movie doesn't go into detail about the feud between the Kellogg brothers over who had the right to make corn flakes, although I do recall that it does show C. W. Post dropping in on Dr. Kellogg's sanitarium to rip off the recipe for granola. Then, if you've enjoyed that movie, you should enjoy other fine movies by Alan Parker, such as "Bugsy Malone", in while Scott Baio sings and dances while spraying whipped cream at other kids dressed like gangsters riding Flintstone cars while the whipped cream hardens into cement and Scott Baio sounds like Paul Williams, and not the good one who hung around with Philip K. Dick but the one who was on "Babylon 5". Finally, these Alan Parker movies should demonstrate conclusively that there are things which can prevent orgasm for up to three weeks after exposure, especially if you see them on a big screen. -- K. I was going to say something about pens that write on butter but this post is Freudian enough. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 07:04:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor All right, here's another way to spot a Kibologist with the help of your faithful friend, television. A commercial comes on for the Fisher Space Pen and the announcer explains that it writes on butter, underwater, and in outer space. A BOZO would say, "Wow! I want one!" A NORMAL would say, "Why would anyone write on their butter?" A KIBOLOGIST would buy one then hop aboard a Space Shuttle, fill it with water, and start writing on a stick of butter underwater in outerspace. THERE ARE NO OTHER CHOICES. IF YOU SAID, "Change the channel, Mom!" YOU WILL BE FIRST AGAINST THE WALL WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES, AND WE HAVE MACHINE GUNS THAT CAN WRITE OUR NAMES IN BUTTER!!! -- K. SQUIBSQUIBSQUIBSQUIBSQUIBSQUIB!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: I LOVE YOU ALL! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:08:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'd just like to remind everyone on alt.religion.kibology that while I may sometimes appear outwardly bitter and mean and cruel and generally evil, I really do love all of you. Even the guy who lives with his parents and the guy who's really old and that gal who uses a WebTV and that guy who refuses to explain any of my science-fiction TV jokes now that he has a PhD and no longer has to do any science work. Collectively, I love those of you who are newbies, I love those of you who are old farts, I love those of you who are both, I love those of you who are neither. I love the crazy people too. I love that guy who wants to blow up the Moon to cure AIDS, and that guy who wants to soft-land the Moon to prove that he loves coconut, and that woman who is obsessed with blotches and ninkers, and even that guy who keeps saying things about the Little Brown Dwarf that nobody can understand, even in outer space. I love the people who decided that there should be 45 minutes of commercials in every 90-minute "Star Trek" rerun on the Sci-Fi channel, and I love the people who created NBC's "seaQuest DSV", and I love the people who cancelled NBC's "seaQuest DSV", and I even love the idiots who love NBC's "seaQuest DSV". I love "Small Wonder", I love "Space: 1999", I love "Battlestar: Galactica", and I love "Galactica: 1980" and "Battlestar Galactica: The Movie" most of all. I love Hair Like Vegetable Soup, I love durians, I love asafetida, I love Mentos, Orbitz, Zima, and Pez, and I love the rich buttery taste of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter all by itself. Now let's all hug so I can spray all of you with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter at the same time. -- K. And Magic Shell. You people look like you could use some Magic Shell. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I LOVE YOU ALL! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 07:00:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'd just like to remind everyone on alt.religion.kibology that while > > I may sometimes appear outwardly bitter and mean and cruel and generally > > evil, I really do love all of you. > > I'll bet he'll never admit to loving Desi Arnaz Jr., though. Okay, if I have to choose between loving everyone and hating everyone, the existence of Desi Arnaz Jr. forces me to HATE YOU ALL. It's Little Ricky's fault I DON'T LIKE YOU ANY MORE! Though I do still like fried okra. -- K. Anagrams prove that KARO syrup is OKRA slime! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 6 deaths and responsibilities of our city public library personnel. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 10:46:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > BPL's security book inspection and information department's: > 1. special library assistant5 Paul Rossetti, > 2. special library assistant1 Douglas Caraganis, > 3. special library assistant1 James Gill and > > 4. city public library departmental desk personnel > 5. BPL president Bernie Margolis, > 6. program development analyst Dana Rizzotti and > 7. Hall's Security Analyst uniformed city public library guards Wait, that's seven people! MY GOD! DON KILLED ANOTHER PERSON WHILE MAKING THIS POST! He's rubbed out seven Boston Public Library bigwigs so far... won't someone please stop him before he kills the rest of them? DON, PLEASE DON'T BLOW UP THE BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY! THERE WOULD BE READER'S DIGEST CONDENSED BOOKS ALL OVER TOWN! -- K. Also it wouldn't have much effect given that all the books are mis-shelved anyway. Mostly by Don. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A further explanation Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:36:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Syadoz" (meanmeso@roanoke.infi.net) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin) writes: > > > > > > "Jabberjaw": Everything is underwater and in the future because it's the > > > future Underwater United States of Underwater America in Underwater 2076 > > > A.D. so naturally there's a talking hark who says Rodney Dangerfield's tag > > > line in a Curly the Stooge voice. > > > > > > Wait, let me read that again. I'm sure it followed the schema. > > > > IWPTA [I wackyparsed that as] "sh'ma". So instead there's a big stupid > > shark speaking Hebrew underwater in the future in a Curly the Stooge voice, Wait... one of the Stooges was Jewish? Also, do you just call him Curly THE Stooge to keep me from getting confused with Curly The French Fries, from Taco The Bell and The Burger King? I WILL NOT MENTION PIZZA THE HUT BECAUSE I WILL NOT STOOP TO STEALING LAME MATERIAL FROM MEL BROOKS'S "SPACEBALLS", ESPECIALLY ALL THE SCENES WITH JANE BADLER, OR ANY OF THE STUFF WITH JERRY SEINFELD'S DAD AS THE ROBOT. > > with special guest star Bela Lugosi as future underwater Dracula wearing a > > star of David medallion, so when someone holds up a cross to him he says > > "Oy, have YOU got the wrong vampire". > > I usually dislike the vampire genre, but I really enjoy this vampire cartoon > you are describing, "Forever Knight Ridder". I get a kick out of that Welsh > Israeli vampire queen, Bala Cynwydd Lugosi, voiced by Tony Curtis. Melanie > Griffith is the one who bites him first. I like how the vampire wants to > become human, to get away from Melanie Griffith and her posse, so he decides > to become a cop. > > Armenio Banderas does the voice of Cynwydd's crime fighting partner, Xander. > So sad, when he died last week of a heart attack. > > I wonder who they will get as a replacement. The rumor is that the new cop > will be called Buffy, and they are considering either Peter Scolari or Anissa > Jones for the voiceover. > > Tom Cruise does the voice of Cynwydd's boss, Officer Krupke. > > I also really like how Bala rides around in a talking squad car. The car is > really his deceased lover, Kip. Remember when they introduced Tom Hanks' > voicover in that episode, "My Lover the Car"? > > Also Bala has some of the nicest hair. I wonder if it is real or if he > borrowed it from Shatner. > > Also, I really like it when they are fighting crime, and those twin clown cars > come out. > > This is such a cute cartoon You forgot that when the talking car turns into the two clown cars, it can only do it when the two clown cars are nowhere near each other. Also there has to be this fake fake Wesley Crusher guy named "SeaQuest" because he wears a little vial around his neck containing Roy Scheider's ashes. > > Also, I finally saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. For the first > > time. Ever. This weekend. Did you see the director's cut, or the tee-vee one where they took out all the scenes where the Oompa-Loompas get naked? I remember when I was a kid that that movie made me cry and cry and that was just the typography. -- K. YAAAAAGH! FLEXITRONING ART NOVEAU LETTERS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.mcdonalds.crew,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A REAL OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 03:26:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.dev.null In alt.mcdonalds.crew, "Mrs Babymash (snr)" (Mrs_Babymash@hotmail.com) wrote: > > A REAL Outback Steakhouse serves nothing but steak. > > No 'mince patties on a sesame-seed bun'... Every time I read this, it says "mice patties on a sesame-seed bun". I can see the TV commercial now: "Mmm! It's made with REAL MICE!" "Restaurants for cats. Because cats know what they want, and you don't!" > no hocks, hearts, livers or any other part of the innards > no matter how it's prepared. If your cow's hocks are in its innards that's one inside-out cow. > No 'chops' (bony cuts of grilled sheep, pork or otherwise) as these > are the staple at home and "I'm not going to pay money to some bastard > to have something I eat at home every night of the week!" > > No "snags" (sausages, either thin or thick; made from sheep or > otherwise) as these are another staple at home and "I'm not going to > pay some bastard...etc...!" > > No salad. "What the fuck do you want me to do with that stuff? What do > I look like? A fucking rabbit?" So I take it you've never had the delightful raw beef salad I once had at that Thai restaurant? The ingredients were something like this: * One pound raw beef, slightly warmed * One pound toxic purple onions that make people across town cry * A dash of hot sauce * Chemical-resistant polyethylene plate > No vegetables except for "spuds" (potatoes) and (green) peas, which > should be broiled in hot water until they're nolonger recognizable as > peas. Don't worry about the taste...you shouldn't be expected to eat > them anyway. Um, hate to tell you this, but potatoes aren't vegetables, unless you're only eating the leaves. Which I suggest you do. Also get some of those "beef leaves" I got at the Japanese grocery store, I know you'd love to chow down several pounds of those right now. > No pasta, rice or other grain besides bread, which should be half > stale and thickly buttered. If served anything but bread, complain > "How the fuck do you expect me to mop the gravy off my plate with that > fucking wog stuff?" All right, I'm going to terminate your allegedly humourous post here. You're demonstrating that all Australians are STEREOTYPICAL, you COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL RACIST! (How do you people type these posts with your giant eyeglasses and the little mustaches and the limp wrists and big butts and hairy ears and big noses and square heads and dusty wallets and high-water pants?) -- K. Also, you're named after a computer program (BabySmash) which is like a WebTV only without any networking. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Access worship furniture Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 06:03:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "D&D" (ddhawaii@lava.net) spammed: > > Subject: Access worship furniture Spam bozo stupid. > Thank you for accepting our posting. I'm sorry, but your posting has been rejected by the guy who runs the Internet. There will be a $20 fee for this rejection, payable in person in the form of live bees carried in your mouth. > D&D Industries has recently launched a 100 page fully illustrated website. > We invite you to view our selection of furniture for all denominations. > Click on www.ddfurniture.com to visit us. When you arrive at our home page > click on the products link. Your catalog of office furniture and church pews isn't half as funny as Nick Bensema's rants about how cool inflatable chairs with South Park characters on them are or any of those pages showing photos of indestructible, non-flammable vinyl love seats for prisons. PRISON FURNITURE IS MORE FUN THAN YOU, EVEN WHEN YOU'RE SITTING ON IT! > Happy hunting. > > Kind Regards, > > Customer Service Department > D&D Industries Love, Inmate #89658906590-86589J -- K. P.S. I would NEVER buy any church pews from a company named after Dungeons & Dragons. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.torture,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Alka Seltzer Tablets w/enema Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 09:04:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.torture, "kitty cat" (kittycat35@webtv.net) wrote: > > Anyone ever done this? What, put an entire message in the "Subject:" header? Oh, you mean, has anyone ever had an Alka Seltzer enema? I think that Dr. Alexander Abian would qualify, as the yellow ("raspberry") flavor of Orbitz is basically stale Alka-Seltzer. I should point out that at the time (Feburary 12, 1997) it was described in the science newsgroups as "a near-fatal Orbitz enema" so I recommend that you not try to replicate this experiment -- there's a risk that you could end up dead, or worse, like Dr. Abian. See these two articles from a year and three-quarters ago for full details. ///////// re-run zone /// re-run zone /// re-run zone /// re-run zone ///////// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: JETLAG IS A NEUROLOGICAL EFFECT NOT CAUSED BY TIME ZONES Newsgroups: sci.physics, sci.astro, sci.math, alt.religion.kibology Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 12 Feb 1997 11:51:48 GMT In sci.physics, sci.astro, and sci.math, Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > Abian declares: > > [...] > Jet lag occurs because, when traveling at high speeds at high altitude, > the brain EXPERIENCES MORE TIME than it would had it been stationary > at sea-level for the same length of earth-clock-time. THIS is why we > feel tired after flying. We have actually been awake for longer than we > think. Banish the earth-clock on long travels, and the body will reject > the fraud of "jet lag". Better yet, take the clock on the plane with you, and throw it out the window, so that you can see time fly! (confetti falls and dancing girls parade across the stage as John Williams conducts 78 trombones playing the Womp Womp Overture. Kibo bows, gracefully exposing his genius to all. There is a five-minute pause before Abian gets the funny funny pun, as he is suffering from a phrenological condition which causes joke lag.) > Alexander Abian: Equivalence of Mass and Time (1990) > Albert Einstein: Equivalence of Mass and Energy (1905) > THERE WAS NO BIG BANG. THERE WAS A BIG SUCK INTO THE VOID OF SPACE (1995) I hear Harlan Ellison once met Alexander Abian, and Dr. Abian said "What would you say to a Big Suck?" and Harlan said, "Hello, big suck!" > WE MUST JOLT THE PLANET EARTH INTO A NEW ORBIT. IF JOLTING OF THE > PLANET EARTH REQUIRES THE BLOWING UP THE MOON OR BLASTING THE > MOON INTO PIECES OR AT LEAST JOLTING THE MOON IN ORDER TO JOLT THE > PLANET EARTH - SO BE IT (1990). WE MUST DESTROY THE EARTH TO MOVE THE MOON TO PREVENT COOTIES ON EARTH. OR ELSE AT LEAST BRING BACK NBC'S "SUPERTRAIN". > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > ABIAN MASS-TIME EQUIVALENCE FORMULA m = Mo(1-exp(T/(kT-Mo))) Abian units. > ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT AND TILT - STOP GLOBAL DISASTERS AND EPIDEMICS > ALTER THE SOLAR SYSTEM. REORBIT VENUS INTO A NEAR EARTH-LIKE ORBIT > TO CREATE A BORN AGAIN EARTH (1990) GIVE ABIAN A NEAR-FATAL ORBITZ ENEMA TO CREATE A POLKA-DOTTED TICKLE ME ELMO -- K. Now it's *your* job to explain my phlezofiglic theorem to Dr. Abian. From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: JETLAG IS A NEUROLOGICAL EFFECT NOT CAUSED BY TIME ZONES Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 05:57:36 GMT Doctorb Science wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > > > > > WE MUST JOLT THE PLANET EARTH INTO A NEW ORBIT. IF JOLTING OF THE > > > PLANET EARTH REQUIRES THE BLOWING UP THE MOON OR BLASTING THE > > > MOON INTO PIECES OR AT LEAST JOLTING THE MOON IN ORDER TO JOLT THE > > > PLANET EARTH - SO BE IT (1990). > > > > WE MUST DESTROY THE EARTH TO MOVE THE MOON TO PREVENT COOTIES ON EARTH. > > OR ELSE AT LEAST BRING BACK NBC'S "SUPERTRAIN". > > WE MUST USE HIGH-ENERGY LASERS TO CARVE THE NAME "ABIAN" INTO THE MOON > BEFORE BLOWING UP THE SEKRIT MOON NUCLEAR ROCKET BASE AND SMASHING THE MOON > INTO THE EARTH TO TURN THE PACIFIC OCEAN INTO JOLT COLA. SO LET IT BE > WRITTEN, SO LET IT BE DONE (1999). We must also install gigantic dams and locks to keep the Jolt Cola ocean from mixing with the O.K. Soda ocean and the Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda ocean. Also we must change the combination on Loch Ness. > > GIVE ABIAN A NEAR-FATAL ORBITZ ENEMA TO CREATE A POLKA-DOTTED TICKLE ME ELMO > > Can't touch this. Word! > > -- K. > > Now it's *your* job to explain my > > phlezofiglic theorem to Dr. Abian. > > Well, maybe if we gave Abian a near-fatal orbitz enema and then his body > heat differential made him into a kind of opaque lava lamp, then that would > be worth the effort. Nobody would beable to see it, and therefore every > individual lump of orbitz would SIMULTANEOUSLY BE GOING UP AND DOWN, AT THE > SAME TIME!!!!!11!!! AS I AM DOING, NOW!!1!!!! " " Quantum Cola Presents: SCHRODINGER'S ORBITZ. Drink it down, it's coming right up! It's got dots that float and umlauts that hover! Comes in five fruity flavors: PaLE BoYSeNBErrY BLu3 RAzBErrY D0T BaNaNa PLaZmA TIM3-WaRP TICKLe-mE ELB0W MaCARoNIUM NEuTR0N0UGaT and D0UBL3 aBIaN LuNaR BLAsT " " Increase your energy state, drink Schrodinger's Orbitz before it drinks you! -- K. There's also a flavor of crunchy new KibOs(TM) named for Dr. Abian: SUPER FLAKY ABIAN 'N NUTS ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:36:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, Old El Paso now has an "Extra Mild" salsa. The color coding breaks > > down thusly: > > > > "HOT" red some jalape–os > > "MEDIUM" yellow almost no jalape–os > > "MILD" green no jalape–os > > "EXTRA MILD" blue no tomatoes I just remembered that this (I think) is the brand that has the little jalape–o-shaped thermometer on the back to graphically demonstrate that there is no hot pepper in the "MILD" flavor, so I'm going to have to go look at a back of one of the blue jars to see if there's a red line hanging down from the bottom of the transparent glass pepper. > GOLDEN LID ... jalapeno contents accurate to within 5% > SILVERY LID ... jalapano contents accurate to within 10% > NO LID ... made of people Of course, given that the yellow lid kind contains 0.01% jalape–os, this means that a yellow lid with a silver stripe means it may contain as little as negative 9.99% jalape–os, which would taste just like saccharin -- "A BILLION TIMES SWEETER THAN SUGAR, SO SWEET THAT IT WOULD TASTE BITTER! BUY SACCHARIN NOW! ALWAYS PUT SACCHARIN IN YOUR EYES!" > By the way, any of you tried "Pure Cap" yet? It's being marketed > as "pure capsaicin extract plus some extender added", which is a > bozotic description, but it's supposed to be good at making > commercial "hot" sauces, hot. Hmm. You know where they get that? The habanero peppers at the Prudential Star Market. A habanero, the world's hottest pepper, is something on the order of 250,000 to 300,000 parts per million (!) capsaicin. So I bought one put on my rubber gloves and put barrier tape around the area and poured myself three glasses of chocolate milk arranged at strategic locations between me and anywhere I might go if I went insane, then I cut off a tiny piece of it and put it on my tongue. It tasted like a cubanelle, only milder. Sort of like a green bell pepper that had been sitting in the sun too long. STAR SELLS CASTRATED HABANEROS!!! The things had been sitting in the market so long that they had started to dissolve themselves -- some of the ones in the bottom of the bin had had their lower halves turn clear as the dead capsaicin killed them from autoerotic dysolvixia. Anyway, all the capsaicin was gone by the time I got there and bought the completely mild habanero. So I think it went into "Pure Cap". Either that or into that arthritis medicine they keep advertising on TV with "capsaicin P", which I suspect means that someone eats some spicy food and then pees on the pills. "P", the secret ingredient that can go from a single letter to bathroom humor in two point three seconds! > Paul Guertin > pg@sff.net P.S. Plz rmv th nly vwl frm yr ddrss. -- K. I think the colors of Froot Loops should mean the same thing they do on Old El Paso salsa lids. MMM, CAPSAICINNAMON SWIRL!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 22:09:08 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.superfluous.com) wrote: > > [re elderly Tinkertoys of the fifties] > > Mine had the tin screw-on top in the cardboard tube which we hid the > kitty in when Ma wasn't around. Big deal. We hid Ma in ours when the kitty WAS around. Also, I don't like the new Tinkertoy packages with the pull-tab top where you can't even save up the pull tabs to get a free dialysis machine to use on your kitty!!! -- K. I tried to redeem all my pull-tabs at Mohegan Sun but they just laughed at me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:45:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) was boggled by Nick's assertion > that his favorite childhood cereal was Quaker Corn Bran: > > > > But it tasted like UNSHAVED CARDBOARD. I think it's actually > > burlap bran. It is the world's worst cereal, and yes, I've had > > the original "Kaboom" and "King Vitaman" and even "Uncle Sam, The > > Laxative Cereal". Not to mention some Russian fake Froot Loops > > It's definitely sweeter than unshaved cardboard. I guess it's > like durians, SOMEONE out there has to like it, and that someone is me. And, you know my pop-culture theory: The fewer people who think it tastes good, the more those people will like it. This explains the stories of people spending their life savings on their durian addictions in Singapore. And why you, an otherwise normal full-grown adult on the verge of graduating from high school, would like Quaker Corn Bran. However, it does not explain the one Pel-Freez Frozen Rabbit in the soggy cardboard box covered with six inches of frost whiskers in the back corner of every supermarket. > > You just missed a "Laverne & Shirley" episode where the plot was that > > her nerdy Trekkie friend started a disco band and they played disco music, > > the end! I did not leave the plot out, that WAS the plot. THE END!!! > > Oh, I get it. So Laverne and Shirley DIDN'T take place in the > fifties. Thanks for clearing that up. Have you met Lee Bumgarner? He has a new theory that there used to be a fifth Spice Girl who ALSO wore too much makeup. -- K. So does anyone like Flutie Flakes? THEY TASTE LIKE FOOTBALL!!! /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: AOL in my Chex cereal! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.cereal Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 18:14:09 GMT Lance Olkovick (lolkovic@sfu.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In [news.admin.net-abuse.usenet/email], chris@greenapple.com wrote: > > > > > > AOL has a rather interesting new marketing tool -I found a CD in > > > the box of Corn Chex that I purchased today! > > What were they thinking?! That could be dangerous! If I were you, I'd > swallow the CD whole, then I'd SUE THE BASTARDS! (AOL, that is; don't > sue General Mills, the makers of Chex, CDs, and other fine breakfast > products.) But first use a magic marker to color the edges of your stomach green to make it digest the CD faster. That's all those speedy new 2X CD-ROM players are... 1X ones with a GREEN MARKER ATTACHED TO THE SPINDLE! > > That's nothing. I found a Cheerio in the box of Super Golden Frosted CDs I > > was eating for dinner at midnight while watching NBC's "seaQuest DSV" > > today. > > Cheerios is also made by General Mills. Kibo should SUE THE BASTARDS! General Mills vs. General Electric vs. General Semantics in a no-holds-barred JELL-O WRESTLING MATCH, sponsored by ROYAL GELATIN! > (NBC, that is, for reckless indifference: if they were at all > sensitive to their viewer's needs they'd know that, since Kibo lost > his job, SeaQuest should be on twenty-four hours a day, not just at > midnight on weekdays.) I haven't lost it *yet*. They just gave me three months advance notice that I was being laid off to ensure that I would dedicate the remaining three months to working really hard. La la la la. I'm posting to Usenet. La la la la la la la. I need to announce the BIG SURPRISE PARTY (surprise to my office-mates, that is) here soon. > > > This is slick - the CD has their software plus 50 free hours of > > > usage. Included on the CD is a children's game called CHEX QUEST > > > (think DOOM for five-year-olds). You can kill the Flemoids and > > > have a healthy breakfast, too. > > > > It's only healthy if you spend your whole morning killing Flemoids so that > > you don't have time to eat the little Brillo bricks that Chex calls > > "cereal". > > Chex are fine as long as you put enough icing sugar on them -- at > least 1 tablespoon per Chek. Do NOT buy something called Ancient > Grains. It's made from grains that have not been used since the > beginning of the Neolithic -- and for good reason: Could be worse. Could be the Coprolithic. Could be the beginning of Beethoven's First Coprolithic Movement. > it tastes how I > imagine unsweetened flakes of particle board would taste, and it can Ah, Quaker Corn Bran. Not to mention their new Burlap Bran and Horse Hair Bran. > have very untoward effects on one's gastrointestinal tract. Believe > me, to eat Ancient Grains you pretty well need the ancient bowels that > our ancestors had. Brings a new meaning to the phrase "Serving size: 1 bowel". For those of us in Boston, how about candlepin boweling? That would be worse because the Ancient Grains would still scrape your intestinal lining off but also you'd never get a strike. > > Besides, I always thought Doom *was* for five-year-olds! > > > > > The game "contains technology licensed from ID Software", > > > according to the package, and Quest II is available free at > > > http://www.chexquest.com > > > > The pictures of the hero, "Chexster", are truly terrifying. > > Chexster is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, though it's hard to > recognize him in that costume. Yeah, but who plays Arnold? C. C. H. Pounder!!! > > Folks, *THIS* is the sort of picture the alt.religion.kibology anthologies > > need more of before they can be put to bed. > > > That web site is truly precious. I quote from the "Character Biographies" page: > > > THE INTERGALACTIC FEDERATION OF CEREALS (IFC) > > The Intergalactic Federation of Cereals (IFC) was created following the > > Cold (Cereal) Wars in the early part of the 2nd millenium. With the > > exception of occasional skirmishes along several deep space quadrants, > > peace and free trade has prevailed throughout the modern universe. > > Today the IFC is led by its Senior Cereal Council, which is responsible > > for security, planetoid grievances and astro-blobule warnings. > > There'll be hell to pay when the Klingons find out that the Federation > is now allied with an intergalactic cereal manufacturer. No, no, no. You were supposed to be Ted Frank and you were supposed to cross-post this to soc.org.fraternities and say the IFC was a bunch of losers who can't beat a five-year-old at Doom. > There'll also be hell to pay when General Mills reads Kibo's post. I > guess Kibo didn't read the > > ********************************************************************** > Legal Stuff > > In order to use this site, you must first agree to these ground rules. > > > General Mills laid out some hard cash to bring you this awesome site, > download an e-copy of the materials on any single computer for your > personal, non-commercial home use, but remember to keep the copyright > notice ((c)1996 General Mills). Modification of the materials on this > site or use of the materials for any other purpose is a violation of > ********************************************************************** Note that, in this encoding, a triple quote would be \666. He said, "She told me, 'Why did you say '''this is confoozling?''' ' " > Haw, haw. Kibo is in big trouble now. He posted sooper sekrit stuff > from General Mills' site. Haw, haw. Haw, haw.... D'OH! It's not SOOPER SEKRIT. It's SEEREUL SEKRIT. SOOPER SEKRIT would be the reason why all the little "T"s in the can of Campbell's Alphabet Soup get broken but the "H"s don't. Not even the GIANT Hs! Whereas, Alpha-Bits has a different letter distribution. As I told you all back around 1992. When the mouse was living in my stove. > > > And you all thought that the free AOL floppies were a thing of > > > the past......... > > > > Free? Some people bought a whole box of cereal just to get one! > > I just bought a dumpster-size box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes because it > had a 3D Batman flicker stuck to it. I haven't seen the latest Batman > movie and I don't particularly like the cereal box picture but, hey, > it's THREE DEE!!! If you had a third eye you could see in FOUR DEE. And if you had a Super Nintendo you could see TWO AND A HALF DEE, in which everything is an INFINITELY COMPLEX FRACTAL MOUNTAIN made of BURLAP BRAN! [Wesley's mom got sucked into her son's cereal vortex.] "Computer, what is the nature of the Universe?" "The Universe is an infinitely complex fractal mountain seventy-two meters in diameter, filled with burlap bran." "I SEE... TWO... DOTS!" > Here's a 3D representation of the *new* KIBO cereal: > (to see 3D, focus beyond the screen till the 2 crosses merge) > > > > + + > $ :) * * $ :) * * > K I B O K I B O > * :) $ * :) $ Matt McIrvin will now do a 3-D version of the Indent-O-Meter that measures your screen's depth of field. (After all, there has to be SOME reason I'm using RenderMan as a news reader.) > See how KIBO floats above the marshmallow stars, smilies, and dollar > signs? It's just like the real-life Kibo. Notice how KIBO is at the > same level as the cross: KIBO even has theological implications, just > like the summer blockbuster movie _Contact_. But unlike _Contact_, > KIBO doesn't get soggy in milk. We don't know if Contact gets soggy in milk. But we can infer this because it gets crispy in anti-milk. As Democritus of Alexandria said while looking at the ancient heavens... (Kibo turns into Carl Sagan and dies. Then he gets better.) That was a close call! (feels his head to make sure it's not butt-shaped.) I almost became Carl Sagan, noted astrologer! > -- > Lance (A close personal friend of Admiral Wheet) > > > CONTACT CONTACT > + + > . . . . > * * . * * . > * . * . > . * * . * * > . . . . > . * * . * * The only way to decode this message is to hold it so that all the dots and stars line up in a straight line. Then it will spell out "______________________", and Charles Nelson Reilly will say: "WEE-WEE... IN SPACE!" And then Gene Rayburn will laugh, and then that strange ridge across his forehead will have a thought, and he'll pick up a big bone and throw it into the air. And Slim Pickens will be riding on that bone, waving his hat and screaming "YEEEEEEEE-HAW! YEEEEEEEEE-HAW! I SEE TWO DOTS! I WET 'EM! WEEEEEEEEE-WEE!" And then every member of the audience will drop dead, and Stanley Kubrick will go to a long, narrow white plastic jail with geometric furniture and people who do not display facial expressions. -- K. Displaying a facial explosion. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 04:05:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor And now, ladies and gentlemen, I will reply to four replies to my post simultaneously in QUADRAPHONIC STUPIDITY! Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And, you know my pop-culture theory: > > > > The fewer people who think it tastes good, > > the more those people will like it. > > > > This explains the stories of people spending their life savings on their > > durian addictions in Singapore. And why you, an otherwise normal > > full-grown adult on the verge of graduating from high school, would > > like Quaker Corn Bran. > > College, dude. And in no way otherwise normal. You went to college without graduating from high school? Wow, the standards are really slipping there at Case Western. You should transfer to Simon Fraser, because they wrote my favorite Usenet newsreader. > Then why isn't there at least ONE Usenet kook out there who has > dedicated his life to searching the country for the few remaining > boxes of Urkel-O's? Hey! I am not a kook! And also I'm only searching the EASTERN United States to find the remaining boxes of Urkel-Os in the EAST, while in the WEST I'm looking for all the remaining copies of Manly Bannister's "Conquest Of Earth". And in the middle, I'm looking for an honest man with a WebTV and no brain damage. > > However, it does not explain the one Pel-Freez Frozen Rabbit in the > > soggy cardboard box covered with six inches of frost whiskers in the > > back corner of every supermarket. > > That's a monitoring device. It's the only explanation. It sends out a warning tone if someone who likes to eat cute bunnies picks it up, then releases a cloud of toxic gas. This is all it does. It is quite enough. Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just remembered that this (I think) is the brand that has the little > > jalape–o-shaped thermometer on the back to graphically demonstrate > > that there is no hot pepper in the "MILD" flavor, so I'm going to have > > to go look at a back of one of the blue jars to see if there's a red > > line hanging down from the bottom of the transparent glass pepper. > > Not everyone is so considerate, which is why I always carry a big > candy thermometer with me when I buy salsa, so as to avoid unpleasant > suprises. You're Richard Stallman, aren't you? I still say Simon Fraser writes better newsreaders than you. > Batteries too. I like to touch the batteries to my tongue and then touch the salsa to the battery and if touching the salsa to the battery hurts my tongue as much as touching the battery to my tongue did then I know that I don't need any salsa that day, and more importantly, that it's time to put down my axe and get out the gun. Brian Eable (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I just remembered that this (I think) is the brand that has the little > > > jalape–o-shaped thermometer on the back to graphically demonstrate > > > that there is no hot pepper in the "MILD" flavor, so I'm going to have > > > to go look at a back of one of the blue jars to see if there's a red > > > line hanging down from the bottom of the transparent glass pepper. > > > > Not everyone is so considerate, which is why I always carry a big > > candy thermometer with me when I buy salsa, so as to avoid unpleasant > > suprises. > > Where can I get one of them big candy-aB thermometers? Because > I go to the supermarket AND I CAN'T FIND ANY CHILIS ANYWHERE! > The closest I can get is Tabasco sauce (and the dumb supermarket > only has RED Tabasco, none of the yummy GREEN Tabasco); Chili > flavoured potato chips; or some "Ground Chili" in a small spice > jar. The "Ground Chili" isn't very scary, I shook some into > my hand and licked it off and didn't suffer any pain. What is > in "Kim-Chee Base"? It looks pretty red. Is that chili? > Maybe I should try paprika? GOLDURN IT! HOW CAN A WHOLE > COUNTRY NOT HAVE ANY CHILI IN IT? Probably something > to do with Pinochet. Where do you live, Taco Bellistan? Are you Mike Obidzynski? PLEASE DON'T SPILL YOUR MILD SALSA ALL OVER MY NICE CLEAN FLOOR MISTER GUY!!! > And what's going on with the price of rice in Japan? It costs > about 500 yen for a kilogram. Apparently, consumers don't like > to eat imported rice, they think that Japanese rice tastes > SO MUCH BETTER! So the Government is putting a 350 yen/kilogram > tariff on imported rice. THAT'LL MAKE THE DOMESTIC RICE TASTE > BETTER! It's the rice that tastes like a meal. would. if a meal could eat. I was at Sarku Japan (aka Sakkio Japan, aka Sakura Japan) today -- the "Japanese" place at the mall food court -- and now they have "hibachi rice", which costs forty cents extra because the white rice is white but this stuff is white rice that turned brown when they cooked it on the world's smallest hibachi so that it wouldn't fall through the slots. I haven't tried it but I know it tastes better than the regular rice because it costs extra and besides nobody at the mall was ordering it and mall customers are stupid so it must be good. > Also, I have heard that there is a vast rice mountain. HEY EVERYONE LET'S PLAY KING OF THE HILL ON THE VAST RICE MOUNTAIN! (Everyone in alt.religion.kibology runs over to the mountain where Kibo is, but he laughs and "splashes" rice on them.) HA HA NOW YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO GET MARRIED! TO EACH OTHER! AND AS KING OF THE VAST RICE MOUNTAIN HILL I SO DECREE IT! GO AWAY AND GET MARRIED BEFORE I DO SOMETHING MEAN!!! > So why don't they just lower the price to get rid of the rice > mountain? Drop the tariff on imported rice, and let THE > INVISIBLE HAND steer people away from imported rice towards > their preferred domestic rice? WHY DOES BEEF COST 10000yen > for a kilogram? But I shouldn't complain, soy sauce IS REALLY > CHEAP! AND NUTRITIOUS! I prefer the British term for "soy sauce", "seasoning". Or the American term, "browning agent". MMM! MAKES MY BROWNIES TASTE BROWNER!!! MY STOMACH IS FILLING WITH BROWNIAN MOTION! RICOCHET KIBO TO THE RESCUE! PING-PTANG-PERTWEE!! > > Batteries too. > > Yeah! Batteries too! Wasn't that the sequel to the lame movie "*batteries not included", "*batteries too"? They were originally going to call it "*batteries not included either", but they thought nobody would get that clever pun because their target audience couldn't read lowercase letters, so to plug the movie they just filmed these TV commercials where people in hats with earflaps in summer and "Mighty Ducks" t-shirts came out of the theater and said "YEAH! BATTERIES TOO! THIS MOVIE ROCKS! I SAW IT AND IT WAS THE COOLEST FREE MOVIE I EVER SAWED!" but they screwed up and showed the movie during a TV commercial break and showed the yelling morons in the theater, and nobody really noticed, except maybe Stephen Wright, whose "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again" joke wasn't included, so he had to tell it again, and then his head exploded, and a chili pepper came out, and they all hugged it, and Richard Stallman got into a fight with Simon Fraser and Mike Obidzynski and Ricochet Rabbit but nobody thought of filming that even though it had ten thousand times as much violence, humor, and yes, even romance than "*batteries too". "Syadoz" (meanmeso@roanoke.infi.net) wrote: > > I worked out for a while and got a real good appetite, so I cooked up a > mess of potstickers. "Eww! There's potstickers all over the kitchen ceiling! You clean up this mess right now, and next time you cook potstickers, don't make them from real Hello Kitty stickers!" > MMM real good ones, with loads of ginger. They weren't just ginger, they were gingest. > Cooking stuff like this always makes me nostalgic for my grandfather - > the one who used to read me Kafka bedtime stories. And then you woke up to find yourself transformed into a hideous insect, just like in "The Fly"!!! > So I am eating my breakfast of pot stickers, and I start reading this > thread about breakfast cereals, a food substance I haven't seen in years. > It makes me even more wistful. > > For reasons I have never really understood, my grandfather decided it > was his duty to buy household cereal. > > He used to buy all the cereals everyone here mentioned, including > Lucky Charms, Trix, all the chocolate variants, Cap'n Crunch, Quake, > Quisp and Booberry. > > I can't tell you how teary it makes me to hear someone discuss > Count Chocula. The philanthropist billionaire or the cereal? I still have one of the anti-Semitic Count Chocola boxes from the early eighties, it's got to be worth a fortune now! Unless people have decided that anti-Semitic cereal isn't good for some reason. (It was the box showing the Count being menaced by a drawing of Bela Lugosi as Dracula, and they had drawn Lugosi's medallion as a big gold Star of David, so the Anti-Defamation League complained and they had to airbrush it out on the next lot, resulting in Dracula wearing a heavy yet invisible medallion on that strained ribbon around his ropy, Martin Landau-like neck.) I will volunteer that this is AT LEAST as rare as Mike Jittlov's Canadian Sugar Smacks box showing Mr. Spock endorsing the eating of vast quantities of sugar-coated sugar. > I can almost see my grandfather carrying a bowl to the table in the morning. > I can almost hear his voice, eerily more authentic than the commercial: > "Syadoz, Chah-kyooooooola"... I will pay Martin Landau ten dollars if he will eat an entire bowl of Count Chocola cereal at the next alt.religion.kibology party. > The other colorful childhood cereal which brings back memories: > Crispy Critters. Who could forget the year Post decided to incorporate > orange rhinos and pink elephants? I always wondered if the elephants screamed when they were deep-fried. > I especially remember it because my sister would get motion sick > on the school bus. ON or IN the bus? ON would be funnier, as it would involve your sister either having her own helicopter, or amazing powers of projectile vomiting. > I especially remember the stampedes. > > Also, I would especially like to use this time, during this Holiday > season, to thank Kibo for his selfless food experiments which allow me > to vicariously experience the atrocities of the food world without ever > having to come into contact with those "food" substances. Thank you Kibo, > for your sacrifices for me, a mere heathen. You forgot to mention Yummy Mummy and/or Fruit Brute. And Magic Rocks. They taste a lot like Froot Loops, only soaked in a mixture of vinegar, lye, and rocks. -- K. Also let's not forget the new cereal for the nineties, "Have A Happy Dot-Com Morning!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1998 10:49:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > I haven't trusted cereal commercials since Grape Nuts. "Try it for > > a week." Yeah, if my teeth hold out. > > Hey! I have a bowl of grape nuts every freakin' morning, and I > still have most of my original teeth, you wuss!!!!11! Wow. You should see a dentist and have those pulled out to make room for your permanent teeth unless you like going through life with 84 teeth, looking like something only H. R. Giger would marry. > That which does not kill you makes you stronger! So you live in a world where the doctors haven't yet discovered muscle relaxants. Well, good for you. In *my* world, they have not only discovered all sorts of non-lethal ways to make you really wimpy -- including snipping all your nerves with sewing scissors and painting your entire body with Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard except for an area the size of a dime at the base of your spine -- but the magical doctor people have also discovered a cure for the common cold. It simply involves taking a brief trip into YOUR universe, beating YOU up, and then coming back here. It's a win-win situation! I lose my cold, and it makes you stronger! Unless I beat you up so good that you die. If that happens, I'm sorry. (But it would be worth it.) > OK, I confess, I'm too cheap to spend money on official > non-generic Grape Nuts, and buy the Always Save yellow box > "Crunchy Nuggets". Mmmmm... nuggety. Um... does this box happen to have a smiling dog on it? Does the nutritional breakdown on the back talk about "maximum 20% ash"? Do the TV commercials say "Crunchy Nuggets are a part of this complete breakfast FOR DOGS"? If so, then it MIGHT be FOR DOGS. Poor Spot! Terri Willis ate all his Crunchy Nuggets. So he had to eat her lousy people food. Spot cried as he opened her pantry and saw that it was tesselated floor-to-ceiling with square tins of Spam. And none of them showed a happy dog, especially the one whose label had peeled off, revealing a mirror-like surface showing a pathetic, crying sissy puppy. Terri laughed as she enjoyed Spot's delicious doggie brunch, which made its own Hollandaise sauce and deftly poured the Beaujolais as she held her glass by the stem. Spot wasn't allowed to touch stems with his filthy paws, and moreover, he would never again be allowed to kiss girls because he was about to eat Spam. -- K. Spam is a remarkable synthesis of a rubbery texture with a salty flavor to yield something halfway between vinyl and bacon that washed up on a New England beach. Martha Stewart suggests nailing a tiny plastic seagull to your Spam. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:48:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But it [Quaker Corn Bran] tasted like UNSHAVED CARDBOARD. > > Dear Kibo: Open box before trying to eat cereal. Box? I got the cheap kind that comes in a bag! Well, not a bag, really. What do you call one of those things which is like a bag only open at all three ends and kind of gelatinous and filled with Corn Bran? > P.S.: Sorry I haven't been posting anything funny lately, but I > don't have the flu. Tell you what, I can rub some Corn Bran all over my face and mail it to you. MMM, NEW IMPROVED CORN BRAN WITH KIBO MICROBES! -- K. A virus isn't actually a microbe but "microbe" sounds funny, like in "Microbe Center" or "Mr. Microbephone". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:50:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wondered: > > > > What do you call one of those things which is like a bag only open at all > > three ends and kind of gelatinous and filled with Corn Bran? > > Nick Bensema's stomach. Well, then, I am *never* buying another one of those. -- K. By the way -- and we will *never* get tired of saying this -- HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: another Lucky thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:11:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > WAIT A MINUTE! > > > > Blue diamonds weren't part of the original Lucky Charms? > > of course not! > > you must not have watched commercials in the '60s. > > I INSIST THAT YOU CLIMB INSIDE THE '60s RIGHT NOW > AND WATCH COMMERCIALS, YOUNG MAN! Okay, if I may change the subject from TV commercials of a decade to TV commercials about a decade, let me just complain about another one I've been seeing all night every night for the past three months: "Here's the nineties way to trim a beard." (guy with scissors.) "The eighteen-nineties." (harpsichord waltz music played at half speed, just like everyone danced to all the time before Abraham Lincoln invented TV) (the guy wipes the fog off the mirror to reveal that he has a super-cool Brian Bosworth-style haircut and is using an electric razor. As the announce extols the virtues of this 1990s electric razor, the music changes to the "Real Rap Beat" that came out of Mattel's Rappin' Ken boom box.) Now... the music in that commercial... in both time zones... They could have paid ten bucks for a stock CD of 1890s music and bad rap music, but no, they had to hire someone to play a harpsichord with one finger and then hit the "SOFT RAP-STYLE FILL-IN" button on a Casio keyboard the size of a kazoo. The sort of rap-like beat they used was not unlike the electronic sunglasses for kids I once saw which had a rap beat with three buttons you could hit to make your child-size green eyeglasses say "RAP ME, BABY!" / "IT'S LIVE JIVE!" / "I'M A REAL COOL CAT!" Twenty-three skidoo! Now if you'll excuse me I've got to go back to my old-tymey sepia-tone underwater harpsichord waltz at half speed. -- K. The modern equivalent of "twenty-three skiddoo" is hereby declared to be "Have a happy dot-com!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: ATM Envelope Warning! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 11:37:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.kids, jroos@my-dejanews.com, who has no Real Name, wrote: > > Don't know if this is true or not, but make sure you check them before you > lick and tell your kids! > > [massively forwarded urban legend believed by paranoid bozos begins; > I've deleted several entreaties along the lines of "FORWARD THIS TO > ALL THE PEOPLE YOU BELIEVE ARE YOUR FRIENDS, THIS IS NO JOKE!"] > > >> >Some SICK INDIVIDUAL is putting massive "hits" of LSD on the > >> >deposit > >> >envelopes at automatic teller machines ("ATM"'s)!!! Yes, by all means, be SURE TO TELL YOUR KIDS THAT THEY CAN GET FREE DRUGS AT THE BANK!!! QUICK, KIDS, TO THE BANK!!! PEOPLE ARE GIVING AWAY HUGE QUANTITIES OF EXPENSIVE DRUGS!!! > >> >The drug is absorbed through the saliva glands simply by licking > >> >the > >> >envelope. With your armpit. > >> >Unsuspecting people are being caught unawares and are "tripping > >> >out" without even knowing it! It's an experience so subtle you won't even notice it! Now THAT'S a head trip! > >> >Let me repeat this: These envelopes are laced with DRUGS. If you > >> >or your > >> >child gets any of the above, do not handle them. These are known > >> >to react > >> >quickly and some are laced with strychnine, which may cause > >> >irreversible > >> >brain damage in some cases. The drug is ADDICTIVE and, in the > >> >quantities > >> >contained in the above items, can cause children and adults to > >> >become > >> >additcts!!! And in even high quandtitites it can cause adtuldts to become addticdts! > >> >According to news reports, a college student in Alabama fell victim > >> > to this > >> >horrible hoax when he managed to lick three such envelopes after > >> >forgetting > >> >to include all of his parents' checks on his way to a job > >> >interview... SO REMEMBER KIDS, NEVER GO TO JOB INTERVIEWS!!! > >> >physicians have estimated he consumed over ten times > >> >the amount > >> >someone of his body weight could handle. Of course he didn't get > >> >the job. > >> > His future is destroyed not to mention the years of therapy he'll > >> >need to > >> >stop the terrible flashbacks!!! Therapy stops flashbacks? I thought harp music and ripply glass in front of the lens stopped them. > >> >It aslo happened to a subway operator who had to stop his train > >> >between > >> >stations (underground) when he thought he was going crazy. If he had been REALLY crazy, he would have stopped the subway train between stations (at fifty thousand feet)! > >> >A spokesman for Chase Manhattan says that his bank is considering > >> >switching > >> >to "lickless" envelopes, but says that right now, it costs to much > >> >to make > >> >the changeover. This is crazy! You MUST write to your Congress > >> >member NOW, > >> >and DEMAND that they pass legislation REQUIRING the use of lickless > >> >envelopes at ALL financial institutions! You're life may depend > >> >on it!!! SO WRITE LETTERS TO ALL YOUR CONGRESSMEN TODAY AND BE SURE TO LICK THE ENVELOPE ALL OVER BEFORE YOU MAIL IT!!! > >> >As it is, officials can't keep up with the problem. The chief > >> >research > >> >scientist at the Chemical Dependency Research Institute,emphasized > >> >that > >> >"it's easy to mix up a batch of liquid LSD. The chemicals you need > >> >can be > >> >stolen from any high school chemistry lab." I guess they haven't been in most high schools yet. Ours had a bottle of salt and a box of lint. > >> >The National Drug Center has had reports flooding in from all > >> >around the > >> >country. Be assured, this is NO JOKE. Rule of thumb: Anything which says "THIS IS NO JOKE" in four places is a LIE. > >> >Real people are getting sick Oh no! Not Skip Stephenson! Sarah Purcell! Peter Billingsley! Fred Willard! -- K. This reminds me, I gotta deposit some checks tomorrow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: attention deficit disorder Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 05:45:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > By the way, contrary to what I thought earlier, I could not get to sleep > tonight. 4:30 a.m. and nothing. > > for those who are wondering, it is Dexadrene... or -eme... I forget which, > and I'm not about to go looking for the bottle. So if you're a hyperactive child, does the theory that stimulants depress you and despressants stimulate you hold true? I've discovered that if I take Sudafed (pseudephedrine hydrochloride) which is supposed to make normaly people really, really, really sleepy, it just makes me vibrate around hyperactively for about eighteen sleepless hours, sort of like if I took fifteen cups of coffee and injected them directly into the part of my brain that likes coffee the least. (Even if I take half a dose. Note that the warning label always says something like "MASSIVE OVERDOSE can cause jitters, sleeplessness, spasticity, and general glibness" so either the proper dose for me is a tenth of a drop or else my medication came from backwards land where sedatives make me nervous.) Anyway, I'm not hyperactive, but Sudafed works backwards on me, so maybe they'd work forwards on you. > I need to get some food.... because that stuff affects the appetite and > I didn't eat much yesterday. > > I also forgot to mention that that stuff also causes a significant > amount of "shrinkage"... worse than that caused by a swimming pool, > because it also tends to produce "snaggage", and that's all I got > to say about that. Ah, so if it works the opposite for me that it does for you... "swellage" which also tends to produce "luggage"! > The thing is, my parents always asked how the medication was doing, > and I always said "I don't know".... because I couldn't remember. > Now I have the side effects and all that written right down, there. > And I'll get to the bottom of this. "Nick, why did you drink ALL of our medication?" "MY half was at the BOTTOM!" (A large, anthropomorphic WOMP WOMP walks in the door and kills them both.) I should point out that I realize that hyperactivity is not the same as attention deficit disorder, because waffles have holes in them when you don't lose the Pac-Man game I'm wet again, Santa? -- K. Could be worse, you could be an INTERactive kid. HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: attention deficit disorder Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 07:37:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So if you're a hyperactive child, does the theory that stimulants depress > > you and despressants stimulate you hold true? > > That's something my mother kept telling me, She kept telling you you're a hyperactive child? Wow, that's mean. Did she also keep telling you, every five minutes, that the Flintstones weren't real, just to also remove you of the joy of being three years old? > so she used to give me coffee to calm me down. And I remember at > least once drinking coffee in the 8th grade and being so wiped out > I had to go to the nurse's office to take a nap. Hmm, I'll have to remember that excuse to get out of class if I ever have to repeat the 8th grade. Dear Nurse, I need to take a nap. Signed, My Mother. > Actually, since Friday I've spend most of my day sleeping. Those meds > are hideous and they take all your brane power with it when they wear off... So give some to everyone around you and THEN you'll be SMART! > > I've discovered that if I take Sudafed (pseudephedrine hydrochloride) which > > is supposed to make normaly people really, really, really sleepy, it just > > makes me vibrate around hyperactively for about eighteen sleepless hours, > > sort of like if I took fifteen cups of coffee and injected them directly > > into the part of my brain that likes coffee the least. > > I've discovered that every time I try to take cold medicine, it always > ends up with my mother standing next to the medicine cabinet reading off > the label of everything we have, so that I have to guess which one most > closely matches what I have after not listening to any of it. Pay attention, Nick. Pay attention, Nick. Pay attention, Nick. LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TYPING AT YOU!!! > I end up taking something at random and not remembering whether it > works or not for the next time. WHEEL! OF! EXPIRED! GRANDMA! MEDICINE!!! I'm sorry, you just drank some "Beef, Iron, & Wine" from 1953. Better luck next illness! -- K. > > HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM! Had one, thanks. Please sir may I have another? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: attention deficit disorder Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 06:07:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian Eable (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, contrary to what I thought earlier, I could not get to sleep > > tonight. 4:30 a.m. and nothing. > > > > for those who are wondering, it is Dexadrene... or -eme... I forget which, > > and I'm not about to go looking for the bottle. > > D00d, that is speed. See this page: > http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic/dextroamphetamine.htm > The effects you will notice are: > - Feeling like you're ten feet tall and bulletproof > - Feeling like you're mentally sharp and very witty > - Brane racing > - Lots of physical energy > - "Shrinkage" > - Loss of appetite > - Difficulty sleeping. > > You should be very aware that these amphetamine drugs have > a high potential for abuse and are HABIT FORMING. In other > words, you can easily get addicted! THEY SHOULD COME UP WITH A REALLY ADDICTIVE DRUG WHICH TREATS ADDICTION!!! By the way, since you posted the address of that Web page for looking up prescriptions, I finally looked up the Butalbital/APAP/Caffeine pills Dr. Shafqat prescribed for my headache-that-wouldn't-leave-the-left-side- of-my-brain-for-three-days-and-mimicked-a-brain-tumor two years ago: D00DZ, I"VE BEEN TAKING BARBIE RITULATES WITH0UT N0 ING IT !!!!11 BUTALBITAL IS A BARBITCHERATE!! -> Brand Names: Americet; Anolor 300; Anoquan; Endolor; Esgic; Esgic-Plus; -> Ezol; Femcet; Fioricet; Fiorpap; Geone; Isocet; Medigesic; Minotal; -> Pacaps; Pharmagesic; Repan; Tencet; Triad I SWALLOWED A TRIAD!!! -> Barbiturate -> -> Signs and Symptoms: Drowsiness; confusion; coma; respiratory depression; -> hypotension; shock. IF PATIENT IS NOT MOVING, IT COULD BE BARBITUATES. Butalbital is available with caffeine and acetaminophen (which is what I got, "APAP" aparently means acetaminophen = Tylenol) or with codeine, just to make it more narcotic. It apparently has a bad interaction with Warfarin, which I'd never swallow because it sounds like a rat poison. The weird thing is I only took two of them -- one for that headache, one for my next migraine -- and they didn't do A DAMN THING for me, just like aspirin and Tylenol. (Well, aspirin makes me bleed all over the dentist, but that's probably not the effect I wanted.) So I am immune to powerful drugs like barbituates but Sudafed makes me all giggly. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, AND WHY CAN'T THEY FIX IT WITH DRUGS THAT TASTE BETTER? -- K. Fun factoid: That Web site says that Prozac capsules are "Pulvules(R)". And another out-of-context snippet: -> Parents of pediatric patients should be advised not to use -> tight-fitting diapers or plastic pants on a child being treated -> in the diaper area, as these garments may constitute occlusive dressing. STAY OUT OF THE DIAPER AREA!!! Also note that the above was in regard to an acne medication. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bell Atlantic DSL Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:16:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > > > so my question is: what the heck is a DSL? Deep Submergence Losertvseriesbystevenspielbergthatbozo. > > or, if I can't get an answer to that, maybe someone could > > figure out what to call an "inside joke" when there is no > > one "inside" who gets it. > > "Kibological" Yes, except you MUST understand that, by definition, Kibo gets all jokes that nobody else gets. Also, Kibo gets all jokes that don't get themselves. KIBO IS NO JOKE! HE IS JUST A MISTAKE! -- K. "Have a happy dot-com!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: blahblahblah ... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 03:50:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > For those of you Hmas card holders who are afraid to ask, and I know > > there are many, it was a nudibranch on a durian. Okay? Happy? > > And those squiggly things? Those are STINK. > > Ahhhh. I understood the stink part. I thought it was some sort of > prickly slug / pineapple thingy. I didn't get one. A card, either. However, because I was SMART enough to buy one of Leah's "Humongous" games at OfficeMax for five bucks and fill out the OfficeMax rebate coupon a couple of months ago, on today -- Christmas Eve -- a flat yet ridgy package made out of a sheet of corrugated cardboard turned inside out arrived. (It had an "AIR ENHANCED" sticker on it despite it containing no air. It would fit under the average door, even in solitary confinement.) The contents of the package were the freebies OfficeMax had offered with the five-dollar kids' computer game: "Putt-Putt Book & Tape" Now, amazing as it may seem, the title of the book (and I use the term loosely -- I would complain about how few pages it has but they're not numbered so I don't know) which arrived on Christmas Eve is "Putt-Putt's Night Before Christmas". The book, typeset in one of the display sizes of Monotype Bulmer (KIDS LOVE HAIRLINE FONTS! ESPECIALLY ON GLOSSY PAPER! MOMMY, READ ME THE BOOK AGAIN SO I CAN MAKE YOUR EYES BLEED!) includes such classic rhymes as: St. Nick filled their stockings right up to the top, With dog bones, a car phone and oil soda pop. The tape -- which, incidentally, will not fit into my compact disc player -- has a "READ-ALONG SIDE" and a "LISTENING SIDE". Although I have no means of playing it, I suspect they are like this: READ-ALONG SIDE "Turn the page. (long pause) Turn the page. (long pause) Turn the page." LISTENING SIDE "SHUT UP AND LISTEN, KIDS! Putt-Putt was -- I SAID SIT DOWN AND LISTEN!!!" Anyway, the book is illustrated in the usual charming Humongous house style, and of course the adventure of Putt-Putt and his puppy Spot^H^H^H^HPep takes place in that special surreal world, where there's a chick nesting in their mailbox, where dogs can sleep in the same bed as cars, where there are honkable horns all over the living room wall, and where goldfish wear blindfolds. MMM, FISH BONDAGE!!! -- K. P.S. This product and Humongous Entertainment are not in any way affiliated with Putt-Putt(R) Golf Courses Of America, Inc., because combining goofy golf with talking baby cars would be TOO WACKY FOR ME. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bought a 1999 calendar today Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 04:35:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.psychology.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I bought a calendar today, for the first time in my life. Wow! Next thing you know, he'll buy a dictionary! But why would Archie need to BUY a calendar when he keeps inventing them?: [from "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", posted in 1994]: -> It was 20 Apr93 when I started to change the calendar from the -> reckoning to the birth of Jesus to the known year of discovery of the -> element plutonium. > I usually do not do things like that; Usually you do them while wearing your pants on your head and shouting "SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!" > spend money on things that I can get for free such as at a bank. Wait... you can afford a bank account? > In fact I have a small fold-out calendar with Norman > Rockwell pictures on each of the 12 months. Archimedes Plutonium admits to peeking at the remaining months' pictures, film at 11. > I use calendars to warn me of upcoming appointments and to keep track > of my work hours. "Work hours"? 9 AM - noon: Post stupid stuff to sci.math noon - 2 PM: Post stupid stuff to sci.physics 2 PM - 5 PM: Post stupid stuff to misc.legal 5 PM - 8:30: Post stupid stuff to soc.history.science 8:30 - 11 PM: Post more stupid stuff to sci.math 11 PM - 4 AM: Reply to own posts 4 AM: Pass out in Dartmouth public computer lab What's so hard of keeping track of that, especially given that you never do any actual work? > But a few years ago I received a free calendar that was wall sized and > it had neat pictures for each month. I remember one of those pictures > was two parrots and one was upside-down on the branch, funny. A regular kneeslapper! Some day he's going to discover teevee sitcoms and then we'll hear about it. > And another was a camouflaged insect. But the pictures of most importance > on that calendar was the Taj Mahal and also the Egyptian pyramids. And > so each morning I wake up, I am greeted with the sight of the calendar > across from my bed. Doesn't it look funny through the mosquito netting over your bed above the plastic sheets? (Quoting from one of his Web pages:) -> I like cowboy western hats in the summertime. And this is a picture of my -> room in the summertime. I put a tent on my bed, a practice I first -> developed in Malaysia. I hope to make it to my very end without another -> mosquito bite, but I doubt it. A bed without mosquito netting in the -> summer, to me is primitive living. [I can't remember which page has the other photo of the bed where the caption talks about the wonders of plastic sheets. I admit it, I'm no expert on Archimedes Plutonium.] > And it was the sight of the Taj Mahal for a month > that would later develop into my postings of " the most beautiful > arcitecturally designed building in the world". My design is a > Parthenon type building with 10 spires atop. Good thing there wasn't a page showing a crackpot posting to the science newsgroups. > So, that calender furthered my science work. And a couple of days > ago, in the store I saw a calender titled Crop Circle Calender 1999. > And I was amazed at how beautiful some farmfields could be made with > spiralling circles. And so I decided to spend some money, the first > time in my life in buying a calendar. Why am I not surprised that Archie's First Calendar was also his first exposure to the concept of crop circles? By the way, they're fake, Archie. > I am hoping that I may be "made > to think about something" from the 12 pictures I will be seeing in the > morning upon awakening. Probably not. Probably no new science for me > will come of those 12 pictures for 1999. Oh, I don't know. I look forward to seeing 10,000 posts from you about how your cravings for shredded coconut prove that the Moon must be soft-landed in the middle of a crop circle in Iowa. > But thumbing through it, it has already captured my interest in that > many of the pictures come from Hampshire, England. And I do not know > where Hampshire England is. > > And I need to find out how New Hampshire, USA was named and by whom. > Obviously it came from the English Hampshire, but did the English > Hampshire have the mountains that resemble White and Green Mountains? Archie -- here's some help with your next Christmas list: dictionary, encyclopedia, brain. > I do not mind spending money if I think it may help my science. VELL, IT COULDN'T HOIT!!! > In my youth and up to recent, I was very tight with my money, but I am > gradually opening up to spending what I had conceived of as frivolous > before. > And perhaps the pictures may get my mind to thinking about the > geometry of 231Pu or other geometry. > > And recently I have bought a number of bottles of cologne. I wanted > Aramis to see if the late 1960s would come back to me via > smell-sense-memory. Many of our flashbacks in time are stimulated by > smell senses. When we hear old music, our minds are often transported > back in time. Why am I not surprised that Archie has flashbacks to the sixties? He's kind of like Reverend Jim plus Latka all in one convenient sitcom wacky neighbor. > Again, in my younger days I would not have so called wasted money on > cologne. But as you get older you realize there is only such a short > time of living that you should experience as many of the good parts of > living as you can. So why are you posting all these articles to sci.psychology.misc about how much you like buying calendars showing crop circles and asking the psychological community for help figuring out how New Hampshire got its name? You're missing out on all the important parts of life, like MTV! -- K. They're showing a very special Christmas episode of "Beavis & Butt-head" right now. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.health.alternative,alt.support.diet,alt.health,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Chromium Picolinate Does it work for weight loss/energy boost? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 02:49:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.health.alternative, alt.support.diet, alt.health, and alt.religion.kibology, "Yarrow" wrote: > > rice@epix.net wrote: > > > > American we don't want to hear that we are not getting all the nutrition > > we need from the foods we eat no matter how fresh it is. Since 1937 the > > ddt killed the minerals,vitamins and ect that we need from the dirty. > > DDT doesn't KILL minerals.... minerals are not living things. Then how do you know? Maybe it WOULD kill them if they weren't ALREADY DEAD! You can't say for sure until you find a live mineral to test to lethality of DDT. (I think you can find living rock in some caves, especially in the part of "Zork" where the hint book says "It's just an expression".) -- K. dee dee tee ta ta tee tee ta mahna mahna! P.S. I need more ect from my dirty. Me need eat more dirty!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Classified ads Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 04:43:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@2cowherd.com) wrote: > > > > So I went and read the rest of the ads. Well, at least the interesting > > looking sections. For sale were: > > Twenty-two individual furbi, priced between $75 and $500; Twenty-one > > plural furbys; eight furbies; eight furby's, and three webtvs. Plus > > one "luvseat." > > You know what they need? A "luvseat" that has a built in webtv that > is shaped like a giant furby, so when you sit on it it starts doing > that stupid furby stuff, and the jaws are so strong that they crush > you in it. On second thought, that's a really crappy idea and maybe I > should talk another nap. Poor Spot! His new domestic partner was a life-size Furby. And worst of all, his doggie bed was A CATERPILLAR! EWWWWWWWW!!!! The End. -- K. This was NOT the 1998 Christmas Spot story -- wait two days, dammit. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dr. Scott, UHF 68, Los Angeles, Saturday 11pm Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 08:27:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > So I'm flipping -- no, actually it'd be dialing, through the stations on > my junky old Toshiba blackstripe (not the same as fruit stripe) TV. So if a zebra is the mascot for Fruit Stripe gum, does this mean a rainbow tetra is the mascot for Black Stripe TVs? Why would you want to advertise a TV as having a black stripe across the screen, anyway? Is it a diagonal stripe? That would be kind of fun. You could watch someone you don't like and shout "I'm *NOT* watching you! You're *NOT* on my TV set! You are *NOT* smoking!" > And I come across this old guy on UHF 68. John Silber! > He's setting back, smoking a cigar, > and talking... very... deliberately... > ... about the pyramids... and their secrets... and the > book of enoch... and the Christians... and Jesus. > > So this goes on for maybe 20mins or so, and I'm actually listening because > the pace at which he speaks is sort relaxing. I could easily fall asleep > to the lucidly insane mumblings of this dysfunctional grandfather like > fellow. But then he pauses, his eyes scan around a bit. He grabs another > cigar, puts it in his mouth, and continues to speak on about the pyramids > or something. > > He's trying to light the cigar with one of the plastic disposable > lighters, but the lighter appears to be out of fluid. All the while he's > continuing on about the pyramids -- speaking deliberately and slowly, but > his gaze is focused entirely upon the task of getting the cigar lit. He > sets down the plastic lighter, and then grabs something else from out of > view on his right side. He pulls it up to the cigar, and it is now > obvious that this is also a lighter. He moves around a bit and then it > becomes obvious that it's not just any old lighter, but one of those > hand-grenade replica lighters. I missed it, I was watching Cartoon Network. For the commercials. Anyway, I am guessing it was John Silber. For the uninitiated: WABU-68 is Boston's only remaining Really Independent TV station, now that all the others are affiliated with high-profile networks like UPN or The WB or Pax. Channel 68 was formerly owned by the Christian Scientists and now it's owned by Boston University, which is a big step up -- college students are better at running TV stations than rich churches founded on the premise that if you close your eyes and wish really hard your amputated leg will reappear with Jesus's autograph on it. > At which point I fell over laughing onto the floor, all by myself, alone > in my new home. But now that you've told us you're no longer rolling around on your floor alone by yourself like the pathetic alone-floor-roller you are. Now we're also mentally touching your floor with random parts of our bodies! You have brought us all together and I would hug you if I weren't the only one here who was above this sort of exercise. Does it bother anyone else that while the Cartoon Network has "The Tex Avery Show", consisting entirely of classic cartoons by Tex Avery, a local re-run channel has "The Wacky World Of Tex Avery", a very badly-animated *new* cartoon featuring characters he never drew performing poorly-drawn under- animated unfunny non-actions? One of the characters is named "Tex Avery", so apparently that's the connection, at least in their minds... THEIR WACKY MIND OF NOT TEX AVERY. Tex Avery is a saint for proving that exploding eyeballs are funny. -- K. Did the grenade guy also have another plastic grenade on his desk with a "1" on the pin and "TAKE A NUMBER" on the base? And then did he offer to show you photos of his Pride & Joy? By the way, I know you said you were talking about L.A. channel 68, not Boston channel 68, but you're posting from world.std.com in Boston so I know you're lying. Plus at 11pm tonight WABU-68 here was showing "Mounties: Missing alcohol causes a dispute", which sounds especially funny if we pretend Dr. Gene Scott and his holy hand grenade were in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:44:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Keep in mind my parents are out. > > I went into the extra fridge we have in the garage, to get a Hot > Pocket for a quick lunch. > > I opened the fridge to get a Mountain Dew from same, Mmm, Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew. I don't think you needed to specify mention your parents aren't home. > but the light didn't go on. And the cans didn't seem all that cold. But you had no idea why because the little light above your head didn't go on. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! I'm sorry, I keep confusing you with Spot. I think it's because you used the words "Mountain Dew" in a sentence. Please forgive me. > I opened the freezer and everything was close to room temperature. In an absolute sense when taking the entire Universe into account! Yaaaaah! > Panic. There's a lot of food in there. OH NO THERE'S FOOD IN THE FREEZER! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! > I took out the tamales my mom spent eons making, But eons ago the Universe was thousands of degrees warmer, so the tamales should already be acclimated to it, especially if they've evolved a rudimentary intelligence by now. > and the TV dinners, and put them in the working freezer. So, you had two freezers, and everything fits in one, but you put half of it in the broken freezer in the garage just to have stuff to talk about on the Internet? > I don't know whether they're any good anymore. I didn't see > anything green growing on them. OH NO!!! THERE IS GREEN ORGANIC MATTER IN MY MIXED VEGETABLES!!! > There was also a tupperware thing full of this meat and this sauce > and stuff. There were also many many Hot Pockets wrapped in plastic; > we got a 12-pack of Ham and Cheese. I left them. I'll take the six ham ones off your hands, but I won't touch the six cheese. > My brother was in the living room playing football on his Super NES. Ah, Super NES, the first stage of WebTV infection. > I told him that the freezer was off, hoping he would know what to do, > how to get it back on, and which food items could be saved. He has > a life, he knows what girls feel like, Does he own a VIC-20, by any chance? > he has to know this. > > He, in turn, probably thought, "he has no life, he knows how to > program computers, he has to have everything under control." > > He told me to call my parents. I didn't know where the phone numbers > were so I panicked. You know, this morning I saw the "Happy Days" episode where Joanie and Chachi are at home alone with Ritchie Junior (this was a very late episode) while Howard and Marion and Fonzie and Lori Beth were on vacation and Roger was conveniently missing from the whole episode and Ralph and Ritchie were in the offscreen army, and the boiler in the basement broke and Joanie had to call a repairman and he charged her $200 and when Howard and Marion came home they YELLED AT HER FOR SPENDING MONEY JUST TO FIX THE HOUSE, and also for USING THE BLANK CHECK THAT THEY LEFT HER FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY. I suggest you find your parents' blank check and write yourself a ticket to Rio. It's nice this time of year. > Then, he pointed out to me that they were > driving from Ohio to New York all day. Which, of course, made me > feel better that I didn't have to find a phone number. But now I > was completely on my own here. > > See, both of us were clueless and I was the only one who was even > slightly concerned that a decision had to be made about WHAT TO DO > WITH THE FOOD, and the wrong decision could result in FOOD POISONING. > And throwing away the tamales would mean throwing away at least a > FULL DAY of my mother's time. It's the ultimate weapon! I have invented a guy that makes people make tamales and then makes them go bad to DESTROY TWENTY-FOUR HOURS! Yay! I just wrote an episode of Doctor Who! > My brother turned the breakers and stuff so it works again. And > most of the stuff _I'M_ going to eat will be in the microwave for > slightly longer than usual before I eat it. > > I just hope the food poisoning kicks in BEFORE New Year's Eve. What? You don't want it to kick in right when you're about to go back to work the next day? -- K. I do! I'm mean. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:11:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > Keep in mind my parents are out. > > So you "borrowed" your dad's antique sportscar without > permission to go pick up a red-headed hooker, while 2 wacky > burglars try to break into your home. Wait... the burglars in that movie were supposed to be wacky? I thought it was a horror movie. I kept having nighmares about this overpaid spoiled little brat hitting people in the head with anvils and spraying them with a garden hose filled with sulfuric acid and jamming them into his furnace boiler and stuff. It was like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon with all the brainy stuff taken out! > [re: broken freezer] > > > Simple rule: Were the icecubes all melted? > > If not, don't worry about the food, you caught it in time. > > If so, consider the food to have been thawed. > Oho, so you're trying to use Reversed Tags to make the rest of us look bozotic. Well, I'll just have to counter everything you say from now on by putting around it, to make you big baby rebozo. Note that this does not entitle you to be the bad guy on "Super Force" -- that was G. Gordon Liddy. I think Bebe Rebozo now works as a K-Mart greeter, the world's least-skilled job. Except for writing Wile E. Coyote cartoons. I mean, they kept cheating once they ran out of ideas halfway through the first cartoon. (SHOT OF ROCK FALLING DIRECTLY TOWARDS ROAD RUNNER) (SHOT OF WILE E. COYOTE A MILE AWAY WATCHING ROCK FALLING TOWARDS ROAD RUNNER) (SHOT OF ROAD RUNNER LOOKING DIRECTLY UPWARDS AT ROCK DIRECTLY ABOVE ROAD RUNNER AS CIRCULAR SHADOW GROWS AROUND ROAD RUNNER) (SHOT OF ROCK LANDING ON WILE E. COYOTE) (REPEAT SIX TIMES) THE END. -- K. Also, for some reason, I always think the Road Runner is a girl. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:17:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > > > Simple rule: Were the icecubes all melted? > > > > If not, don't worry about the food, you caught it in time. > > I suspect if there were ice cubes in there, they would have melted. Oh no! Nick's subjunctive ice cubes were ruined! So was the seven-layer rainbow meat loaf he COULD have spent a week preparing! The week that didn't happen was RUINED even though it didn't happen! This reminds me, in 1991 I posted that I had my tongue stuck to the inside of my freezer and I asked for help, and none of you people were around then to help me (except for Henry Churchyard, and he was no help either) so please pretend that my tongue has now been stuck to the freezer for eight years. This was the freezer which was next to the stove that had mice living in it, by the way. A couple weeks ago (about five apartments later) they installed a new REALLY HUGE fridge here because they got tired of complaints along the lines of "This fridge sucks, it's older than I am, and I'm in my thirties" but just to annoy me the new one is a left-hand-drive model and now every time I go into the kitchen while I'm still asleep I try to open the smooth, featureless, unimpeachable side of the door and the fridge silently mocks me with its enantiomorphosity. -- K. One neat thing about a.r.k around Christmas 1998: Most of the "regulars" are posting more than usual (except for Lee Bumgarner) and the other people are taking a week off, so with just ten of us here each posting ten articles a day it feels like 1991. Except for the cascades and .sig virii, yay! I am having a flashback to when a.r.k was much smaller and more concentratedly bozotic, like the WB network. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Fromage to Kibo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 07:48:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > [music video Stephen made out of "samples" from Kibo's posts omitted] > > >>>> CREDITS <<<< > Idea stolen from Louis Nick III > Articles stolen from Kibo via Deja News > Lyrics stolen from "Down to This" by Soul Coughing > Free browser stolen from Microsoft Corporation > Kibo has never posted "toothpick" or "machete" > keep circulating the tapes... A-hem. TOOTHPICK! BELOW! And I could swear I've said "machete" but I can't prove it, so maybe I just said it to myself when I was killing that guy. /// rerun pasted in while watching the episode of "The Wonder Years" where Fred Savage listens to Peter Graves talking about giant tomatoes in Bert I. Gordon's "Beginning Of The End", written by Harlan Ellison /// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Plethora Of Discussion. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Sat, 20 Jun 1998 03:46:46 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 4721 centons, 63 microns, .02 rouettes Richard E. Nickle (rick@beable.trystero.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -- Kibo, Evil Space Pirate, > > Spokesman For Earth, > > And King Of Terror > > You forgot to add 'Emperor of R.O.M.' and 'Inventor of the Smiley' (Kibo crosses to a handy typewriter and begins to bash out letters.) R O M I S T O B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W A R D S R O M I S T O B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W A R D S R O M Y S T O B O R S P E L E L D B A C K W A R D S R O M I S T O B B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W A R D S R O M I S T O B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W Z R D S TRUMAN BRADLEY: Yes, some day, robots such as these may be available from the Sears Holiday Wish Book. But will they be invisible like my robot? Tonight's story DID NOT HAPPEN, a tale from the borderland beyond fiction, beyond science, a tale so terrible that... it just might happen tomorrow. COULD IT HAPPEN? DID IT HAPPEN? IS THIS STORY TRUE? Tonight's story did not happen. BUT IT DID HAPPEN!!! (Lap-dissolve to a spaghetti collander sitting on a table. It is slowly rocking back and forth as someone shakes the table by the legs. Extremely loud big-band music is heard. Superimposed title:) SCIENCE FICTION THEATRE presents INVENTOR OF THE SMILEY with Whit Bissell and Coleman Francis SCIENTIST (peering into microscope): These computer circuits are oddly programmed. Could the communists be involved? WIFE (dancing through the room stirring a pan of cake batter): Hi, honey! Look at me! I'm cooking! Look at me! Look at meeeeee! SCIENTIST: No time for that now, woman. I am inventing the computer! WIFE (bursting into tears): You never invented the computer before! You used to talk to me before you became such a... a... science doer! SCIENTIST: The word is "scientist". WIFE: Oh. Now I understand. Science is a worthier pursuit than my selfish desire for acknowledgment of my existence. I will stir more quietly in the kitchen and never leave the kitchen again. (She exits.) SCIENTIST: Now, how do these bits travel over the wires to communications satellites? (Scratchy black and white stock footage of a rubber ball with toothpicks stuck in it hovering over a globe of the Earth with huge letters saying "Ottoman Empire" in Europe. Sound effect: A guy saying "Beep... beep...") SCIENTIST: I just can't invent anything worthy of a Nobel Prize today. I guess I'm just not cut out to be the world's greatest scientist any more. (He crosses over to the shaving mirror hanging over the Bunsen burner in his lab, and talks to his reflection.) SCIENTIST: Here I am all alone with you. But you can't help me. I'm just a washed-up World's Greatest Scientist and you're all backwards. I hate you! (He gives the mirror a very gentle slap, so as not to break the prop. The wall wobbles. The mirror comes unhinged and rotates ninety degrees clockwise. Suddenly the scientist's reflection is sideways!) SCIENTIST: Now, wait just a minute, hold it right there... (He picks up a grease pencil and circles the eyes of his sideways reflection, then outlines the mouth. Slow, wobbly zoom in on the smiley he has just drawn. We hear the big band orchestra playing swing music at ten thousand decibels.) SCIENTIST: Well, I'll be! The smiley was within me after all! TRUMAN BRADLEY: Tonight's story did not happen. But someday... it will. Maybe the day after tomorrow. Maybe two days before tomorrow. It doesn't matter. What matters is science. One day man will invent the smiley. Then his wife will bake him a cake. I'm Truman Bradley. Good night. (He picks up a September 1953 "Scientific American" magazine and begins reading the photo captions for the thenty-eighth time. Roll credits.) -- K. This parody DID happen. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Gimme that ol' time religion Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 04:22:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > From some online news source that will now sue my pants off 'cause I > mentioned "Prince of Egypt" without adding the "Copyright GOD (2000BC)": > > > > DreamWorks had long stressed the fact that > > "Prince," with its Bible-based images of plagues > > and mass infanticide, was not aimed at small > > children. > > It was aimed a little higher, to BLOW THE HEADS OFF THE BIGGER CHILDREN! Besides, it's Michael Jackson who aims himself at small kids, not Prince. _ ___ _ _ ____ _ ___ _ _ ____ \_/ \_/ (___) / \_/ \ |---' \_/ \_/ (___) / \_/ \ |---' _ ___ _ ___ \_/ \_/ /---\ |---| \_/ \_/ /---\ |---| If you turn that sideways it spells out "SHELL OIL OWNS OMNI MAGAZINE"! Or at least "HAM DOWN HAM DOWN". > I would love to see the DreamWorks movie with Bible-based images of > plagues and mass infanticide that IS aimed at small children. I'm > betting that parents everywhere will love it too. > > DAD: "SHUT THE HELL UP, KIDS, AND GO TO SLEEP! You must DO as I SAY > because GOD HATES YOU ALL and I'M THE ONLY ONE PROTECTING YOU WHEN HE > COMES 'ROUND TO MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!! Uh-oh, here He comes... He > heard you kids... YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW!!!!" I'm just scared that CMT (Country Music Television, one of the silly little cable TV "networks" here in the USA) last night aired "A Country Tribute To 'The Prince Of Egypt'". OH BOY SQUARE-DANCE MUSIC ADVERTISING A CARTOON BASED ON THE TRUE STORY OF THE BIBLE JUST LIKE "THE TIME TUNNEL" ONLY NOT AS STUPID!!! This is why "Battlestar Galactica" was more realistic than "Star Wars", because "Star Wars" was based on myhtology and "Galactica" was based on THE BIBLE! -- K. The other problem with "The Prince Of Egypt" is that it comes in this weirdly-shaped box that looks like a Budweiser logo on its side, or possibly Pablo Picasso's attempt at drawing Tennesee Tuxedo's bow tie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Happy Quetzalcoatlmas! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 02:53:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > Dang. > I just noticed the tag on my Quetzalcoatl. "Most effective if worshiped > before: July, 1525". That's nothing. My Furby has the same tag. > No wonder I'd been sacrificing more, but enjoying it less. I think the only proper way to get the MOST respect from your god is to sacrifice a god of equal or greater power. > No more still beating hearts for you, Feathered Serpent Boy! It's just dehydrated Heart In A Drum from now on. -- K. I would make a callback to Pope Emperor FrogMaN's McHeart press release, but I accidentally pressed it and it was released so now we'll never know what the callback would have been. Also, he has almost the same name as you, except for the goofy capitalization. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: helllllp me...... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 11:18:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Post of the month, and the best argument I've seen for vouchers this year: > > In misc.legal, "paper" (paper@stlnet.com) wrote (quoted in full): > > > > Subject: helllllp me...... > > > > If 250 acres sold for $2,000.oo an acres...how much would that be? I > > must get confirmation and my brain is'nt functioning. Is it 400,000.?? > > paper > > paper@stlnet.com I know not of these vouchers for which you vouch. If "paper" had a paper voucher, then you are saying... (a) "paper" would be able to use a calculator, or (b) "paper" wouldn't have posted this, or (c) "paper" would have been entitled to have their posting rewritten and recomputed by a professional before we saw it? I like the idea of (c). I think I will design an easy-on-the-eyes chew-proof Tyvek certificate which alt.religion.kibology do-gooders can hand out to people in other newsgroups who are floundering in their attempts to use complete sentences: +---------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | THIS VOUCHER ENTITLES YOU TO REQUEST HELP FROM A PERSON WHO | | KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN STAR TREK AND STAR WARS EVEN | | THOUGH THEY ARE TOO SMART TO REALLY LIKE EITHER ONE. | | PRESENT THIS VOUCHER TO ANY MEMBER OF ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY | | AND THEY WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND HELP YOU SET UP YOUR | | COMPUTER OR WEBTV AND WILL TYPE IN YOUR POST FOR YOU AND | | MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER THAN YOU ARE. THEN THEY WILL PUT A | | SAFETY LOCK ON YOUR COMPUTER OR WEBTV TO PREVENT YOU FROM | | HURTING YOURSELF. COMPUTERS ARE ELECTRIC! | | | +---------------------------------------------------------------+ Also, if you gave someone one of these and they never used it, they would be punished by being locked in a room and forced to listen to a hundred really amateurish attempts to rip off the "Twilight Zone" music. "EEDLE-PLINK-PLINK, EEDLE-PLINK-PLINK, EEDLE-PLINK-PLINK, YAAAGH MAKE IT STOP!" -- K. These vouchers would also be scented like french fries to make them easier for stupid people to rediscover where they left them. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: helllllp me...... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 01:37:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, if you gave someone one of these and they never used it, they > > would be punished by being locked in a room and forced to listen to > > a hundred really amateurish attempts to rip off the "Twilight Zone" music. > > > > "EEDLE-PLINK-PLINK, EEDLE-PLINK-PLINK, EEDLE-PLINK-PLINK, > > YAAAGH MAKE IT STOP!" > > Repeat offenses will be punished by being locked in a room and forced > to listen to a hundred really amateurish attempts to rip off the theme > to "Jeopardy". You mean like the piece titled "Clock Music" from the original radio version of "Quiz Kids"? Man, that was the most blatant ripoff of the TV "Jeopardy" music ever. Also, why did they replace Art Bell with Alex Trebek, and why did they need both Don Pardo and Art Bell when Don Pardo can read stupid questions aloud a hundred times cooler than anyone else can, except maybe James Earl Jones in outer space? -- K. SOMEDAY I WILL BE COOLER THAN JAMES EARL JONES! I don't have a great voice, so I'm going to make up for it with a costume that's like Darth Vader SQUARED. "Ow! The small of your back has sharp corners!" "That's 'cause I'm cool, baby." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.warlord,alt.online-service.webtv From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Help for Kibo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 02:05:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.religion.kibology, Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. I'm pumping all the air out of your glass box! > ------=_NextPart_000_0011_01BE2FFF.4BB87BA0 > Content-Type: text/plain; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable HEY EVERYONE LEAH VERRE GOT A WEBTV FOR CHRISTMAS!!! > After reading and digesting the Best of Ark '97, I have decided that = > someone, namely me, must perform a Desi Arnaz Jr. intervention for Kibo. Tip #1: Don't allow people who post to Usenet from their Web browser and set it to HTML Authoring Mode and MIME Multi-Part Redundant Encoding and Quoted-Printable Garbly Equal-Sign Encoding to organize interventions. Incidentally, I should point out that the quoted material above is the "text/plain" part of Leah's stereophonic HTML-ified post; later on we'll withness the horror of the same text with even more detritus. > James Kibo Parry: Please lock yourself in a room for thirty six hours = > and force yourself to read the following over and over until you pass = > out: > > Step 1: Admit you have a problem. An obsession with the gaping maw of = > Desi Arnaz Jr. is NOT HEALTHY! It is NOT NORMAL! I agree that Desi Arnaz Jr. is NOT HEALTHY! It is NOT NORMAL! I mean, look at his mouth. And the fact that he used his Apple II to create a male model that he could hang out with and ride around in a cardboard car with while fighting crime in male strip clubs. AND HIS MOM WAS ALL DITSY ON TEEVEE, WHERE EVERYONE IS MADE TO SEEM COOLER THAN THEY REALLY ARE, SO SHE MUST HAVE GIVEN HIM SOME *REALLY* FRIED GENES!!! DESI ARNAZ JR. IS 75% CHROMOSOMAL BLEBS! > Step 2: Confront that problem. Find out where Desi Arnaz Jr. is = > living, break into his home, and punch him in the face. Yayyyyy! Except your fist would get stuck in his mouth. > Step 3: Remove all copies of "Automan" from your home and surrounding = > areas, namely, Earth. Dear Jeff Jarvis, Oh, who told you that you could tell us what sucked just because you're a TV Critic? Well, I may not have any taste, but I know what I like better than you do, because you're too intelligent to understand how idiots think!!! Gotta go, "Guiness Book Of Records Primetime" is on. > Step 4: Find out where Desi Arnaz Jr. is living and punch him in the = > mouth. Leah is using the word "in" to refer to punching him from WITHIN his mouth. There's room for two in there. > Step 5: If Desi Arnaz Jr. is not available, punch a big pot of warm hot = > dogs and pretend it's him. But first act out a little skit where the hot dogs create a male fashion model wearing a glowing blue leotard with a matte line around it and then the hot dogs say "YOU'WE THE WOWLD'S FIWST TWUWY AUTOMATIC MAN!!!" > Step 6: When not in use, shall keep in Polybag. Return Desi Arnaz Jr. to his special pornography store when not in use. I mean container. Not pornography store. Most of you don't have pornography stores in your homes. > Step 7: Surrender yourself to the teachings of Our One True Lord Who = > Art Up There in Heaven Jesus H. Christ, Amen. But I think that Tron could beat up Jesus because Automan was a WUSSY knockoff of Tron, meaning that Tron must be hefty, while Battlestar Galactica was a KICK-ASS knockoff of Christianity, which means that Christianity is LAME! This is proven by Siskel & Ebert's rule that all remakes of good movies are bad and all remakes of bad movies are good, especially ones that have cryogenic prisons on mining planets and/or Tim Allen. > Step 8: Trust your friends. They will not steer you wrong. DO NOT = > trust Desi Arnaz Jr., for he is not your friend. His only purpose is to = > bring you heartache and agonizing pains down your spinal cord. What about Lucie Arnaz Jr.? She's married to the special guest star of the lamest "Star Trek" movie ever (except for the one where Kirk goes to heaven and makes toast while Picard stares at the special Hallmark Christmas ornament) so I would have to say that if Lucie Arnaz and Sybok (Lawrence Luckinbill) have kids (Lucie Ricardo III and Sybok Jr.) those kids would be a million times more evil than Lucy & Desi's sitcom kids. > Step 9: Find out where Desi Arnaz Jr. spends most of his time, and kiss = > his face with your foot. He probably lives in an unlisted cardboard box somewhere deep under the cool table in Hollywood. > Step 10: Start a new obsession with something that is not Desi Arnaz = > Jr. Say, Dave Pacheco. But he wasn't one of Dino, Desi, and/or Billy. Or Bob & Dave. Or Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy's and the other side of Rick Moranis. I think that if I were to start stalking someone who was named "Dave" it would have to be Dave Letterman, just because (a) he's rich, (b) that crazy lady (Margaret Ray of the "Bugaloos" and creator of "Curious George") who kept breaking into his house died recently, and (c) THE MEAN BASTARD DESERVES TO BE STALKED! > Step 11: Include no more than 246 photos of Desi Arnaz Jr. in the Best = > of Ark 1998 edition. If you can reduce the number of appearances to = > this small number, we will all know that you are trying and succeeding = > at curbing your obsession. I wasn't planning on including any in the 1997 "B" (of 3) volume. There's not really any room for them what with the Nazi imagery and all. > Step 12: Hire Roy Scheider to beat the living crap out of Desi Arnaz = > Jr. But then Desi would be covered with smudges of brown makeup. And Roy Scheider would go around complaining to all the TV critics in the world that "Automan" sucks so that he'd get fired from it and replaced by Michael Ironside, who played Raymond Burr in Thomas Pynchon's "V" and Dr. Westheimer in "Scanners" which also starred Patrick Macnee of "Superfriends". Demand an explanation from Matt if you need one, and I think you do. > ------=_NextPart_000_0011_01BE2FFF.4BB87BA0 > Content-Type: text/html; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > > > http-equiv=3DContent-Type> > Oooh! Oooooooh! It's not just HTML, it's Microsoft HTML version four dot seventy-two dot three thousand one hundred ten dot seven in triple quotes!!! It was so cool you had to generate it with a 3-D generator! Well, I've got news for you: I use NougatFlex VR 5.2.0 for Rhapsody running on my PowerPC 615 Amiga and that makes me at least seven times as dimensional as you! > > >
After reading and digesting the Best = > of Ark '97,=20 > I have decided that someone, namely me, must perform a Desi Arnaz Jr.=20 > intervention for Kibo.
Because of the "font color" tag within that division, that sentence was in black letters. >
James Kibo Parry:  Please lock yourself in a = > room for=20 > thirty six hours and force yourself to read the following over and over = > until=20 > you pass out:
Because there wasn't one in that division, this sentence wasn't drawn in color and looked positively drab compared to the previous one. >
 
This was an extra-large zero-width gap between two adjacent objects, followed by a sentence consisting entirely of a single non-breaking space character to keep it from getting split up. >
Step 1:  Admit you have a problem.  An = > obsession=20 > with the gaping maw of Desi Arnaz Jr. is NOT HEALTHY!  It is NOT=20 > NORMAL!
> > [...] > >
Step 12:  Hire Roy Scheider to beat the living = > crap out=20 > of Desi Arnaz Jr.
>
 
> > ------=_NextPart_000_0011_01BE2FFF.4BB87BA0-- I can't wait to see the next part, #000_0011_01BE2FFF.4BB87BA0. But could you please repost parts #000_0006_00000000.00000000 through #000_0009_ZZZZZZZZ.ZZZZZZZZ? That would be all the ones from the sixth through the ninth sub-referential diagonal blue dimensions. THANKS IN ADVANCE IN 3-D!!! -- K. Leah, if you're having trouble with your new WebTV, don't hesitate to call 1-900-HOT-SEXXX for professional service. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Help for Kibo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 00:52:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > > > ------=_NextPart_000_0011_01BE2FFF.4BB87BA0 > > > Content-Type: text/plain; > > > charset="iso-8859-1" > > > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > HEY EVERYONE LEAH VERRE GOT A WEBTV FOR CHRISTMAS!!! > > Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > [...] > > Stop picking on me, you bigasstpotsie. What is a tpotsie? Is that a secret reference to the Teapot Sea on the border of the Plain Of Jars where they filmed "The Prisoner"? > I mean, call me OLD FASHIONED and all, but uh, I believe this is fucking > CHRISTMAS, and you're supposed to be, if memory serves, FRIKKIN NICE TO YOUR > FELLOW MAN AND/OR WO-MAN. I'm sorry, Leah. i still wuv you. I STILL WUV YOU IN ALL CAPS! I STILL *W*U*V* YOU IN ALL CAPS WITH UNNECESSARY ASTERISKS! I STILL DOUBLE YOU YOU VEE (BUT NOT DOUBLE DOUBLE YOU VEE) YOU IN THE INTERNATIONAL PHONETIC ALPHABET INVENTED BY THAT ZAMENHOF GUY WHO MADE UP ESPERANTO ALL BY HIMSELF! > Outlook EXPRESS RULEZ BABEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! > If you keep making fun of my KICKASS newsreader I'm going to put my next > post into big kickass 45D Fuschia with lots of these things --->*%%%%<-- and > make them blink at the exact frequency of a siezuriffic pokemon and FRY > Y'ALL'S BRANES. But then when you post Hi everybody! This sentence is in a really pretty girly typeface that isn't a plain old typewriter font and it's in a very special color which is completely unlike boring black!Also to be nice I didn't use any tags anywhere in this message! then only you will be able to see it and the rest of us will just see Hi everybody! This sentence is in a really pretty girly typeface that isn't a plain old typewriter font and it's in a very special color which is completely unlike boring black!Also to be nice I didn't use any tags anywhere in this message! > Then you'll respect me. > > You watch. > > Leah %%**&&&= > Verre &&&####= You misspelled "Leah %25%25%2A%2A&&&=3D
Verre &&&%23%23%23%23=3D". I impugn your puny gobbledygook-generation abilities! -- K. Aaaare youuuu freeeeaking out yet? Doooo youuuuu feeeeeeeeell boxed innnn annnnnd spaaaaaced out? P.S. I had to write this twice because the first time, Leah's message crashed my computer, and then while writing it again I felt like I was going to throw up because I just ate nine bowls of dry Cheerios and I don't have anything to drink but I didn't want to have to do this a third time so I wrote this instead of throwing up so I hope you're happy that you kept me occupied when God had intended me to be barfing. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I Got Your IQ Right Here! (long and statistical) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:01:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...re Potato Rackets...] > > they come out in a huge tangled glob not unlike invisible seaweed. > > > > SHORT SHAMEFUL CONFESSION: I just typed "seaqweed". THAT COULD HAVE > > SAVE THAT SHOW! > > I first read this as "seaqweef". Which is less funny sounding than both > "doidy" and "bongle", but more funny than "wanger". Okay, here is the revised list of the most obscene nonsense words you must never say aloud when you type them into the Internet, unless you're talking to alt.religion.kibology. I culled these from the archives and the majority of them are my fault, sorry. sil puh vup inkle freef doidy urlap woxwox beable slunch blarda lenort fŸtplex crontab poooooz bazpacho seaqweef bigfootf benefxfx blezmogon saxofungus nudibranch phlezofigle skyboxolajuwon searchenginebombing zeppelinzer torture Ironically, none of them is a four-letter word! -- K. Matt McIrvin will now use each of them in a sentence. All in the same sentence. In public. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Impeachement and Bombing Iraq Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 00:23:21 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp In alt.tech-support.recovery, Chris Horry (zerbey@nildram.co.uk) wrote: > > Oh dearie me, a user left me a message today asking to call back. When I > did (I know, stupid of me but they only moan if I don't) he asks if the > internet is going to be affected by Mr Clinton's impeachment and all the > air strikes over Iraq. > > I worry about these people sometimes I really do... When you called back, did you shout at him in Arabic? That's what I would have done. If I had been you. And if I knew Arabic. And if I had to call people on the phone. (Which I don't, because I count as Level Infinity tech support -- people are only permitted to ask me questions after they have asked the same question of every single person on the planet except me.) So anyway, what did you tell the person who thought the Internet was going away? Did you at least take away their Internet access? -- K. Will you call me back with the answer to that question? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Indisputable Proof That Jaffo Is Old Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 02:36:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.dev.null Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Jaffo (jaffo@jaffo.com) wrote: > > > > So I'm looking at the MTV Online page, and I click on their "Top 10 > > Newsmakers of 1998" list. > > > > 10. The Beastie Boys > > 9. The Spice Girls > > 8. Brian Setzer and the Sons of Swing > > 7. The Element of Surprise > > 6. The Corgan / Love / Manson Troika > > 5. Fugees Go Solo > > 4. Family Values And The Rise Of Metal > > 3. Master P > > 2. Backstreet Boys - 'N Sync - Five - 98 Degrees - Boyzone > > 1. Ol' Dirty Bastard > > > > I know who the Beastie Boys and the Spice Girls are, but I've never > > even HEARD of these other people. > > I've heard of 1, two of 2, 3, I can guess who 6 are, and as for 5, > I might know vaguely who the Fugees are. HEY HAS ANYONE HERE HEARD OF ANYONE, OR KNOW ANYONE WHO DOES? YOUR INTERNET TAX DOLLARS AT WORK!!!! -- K. P.S. I am cooler than you because I haven't heard of ANY of them, especially the Spice Girls. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Lost, and Gained, in the Translation (fwd) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 05:15:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > Recently seen on a humor list... And yes, it is actually funny in a > Kibological way. Just like "bite the wax tadpole" is. > > --- > > Lost, and Gained, in the Translation > > One of the reasons that movie studios make so many action pictures is > that they do well overseas. There are no translation problems when > Bruce Willis is firing an Uzi or fleeing a fireball. > > [...]Or "George of > the Jungle": "Big Dumb Monkey Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals." > Or even "Batman and Robin": "Come to My Cave and Wear this Rubber > Codpiece, Cute Boy." > > But still, there is that poetic side, as with the Pamela Anderson Lee > vehicle called "Barb Wire." The Chinese saw it as "Delicate Orbs of > Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You." > > -- James Sterngold Ted Frank does this better than you -- and did it three weeks earlier, too: From: Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) Subject: New York Times Gets TrolledÊ Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban, alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.snopes Date: 1998/12/04 NY Times, Corrections, December 4: A brief article in the Week in Review on Nov. 15 about the strange things that happen to American movie titles in translation included nine examples erroneously. The nine -- translations for "Leaving Las Vegas," "Field of Dreams," "The Crying Game," "Interview With the Vampire," "Babe," "My Best Friend's Wedding," "George of the Jungle," "Batman and Robin" and "Barb Wire" -- were not real releases but spoofs; they appeared on an Internet mailing list and Web site (www.topfive.com) devoted to comedy and edited by Chris White. Titles Too Bad To Be True By Howard Kurtz Washington Post Staff Writer Friday, December 4, 1998; Page F01 It was a cute item in the New York Times Week in Review section, a peek at some of the wacky titles slapped on American movies in Asia. In Hong Kong, the article last month said, "Leaving Las Vegas" somehow became "I'm Drunk and You're a Prostitute." In China, "George of the Jungle" turned into "Big Dumb Monkey Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals." "My Best Friend's Wedding" was "Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay." "Batman and Robin" sounded less than swashbuckling: "Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy." Some titles obliterated the taste barrier. The Pamela Anderson Lee flick "Barb Wire" was said to have been marketed in China as "Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You." And there was this Hong Kong knee-slapper: "The Crying Game" emerged as "Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!" But the joke was on Times reporter James Sterngold and his editors. These outlandish titles were spoofs that first appeared in August on a Web site called TopFive.com. "Rolling on the floor laughing!" TopFive contributor Doug Johnson said by e-mail. Sterngold says he was skeptical at the outset. He says Scott Neeson, the executive in charge of foreign distribution at Fox, sent him a legitimate Wall Street Journal clip about creative foreign titles -- and attached a list of the wild ones. "I said, 'These are kind of outrageous. Are these for real?' He said yes," Sterngold recalled from Los Angeles. "I made a mistake. I should have checked each of these out." A Fox staffer confirmed that Neeson had sent the satiric list but said he thought it was part of the Journal article. Sterngold, though, says it was his responsibility, not Neeson's. "It's embarrassing," he said. "I'm disappointed and depressed. If it was hard news, I probably would have been more vigilant. But it was a light item." So, Brian, I think now you're going to have to issue a retraction to the New York Times. -- K. And use a cold metal retractor. And whack tree with genitals without wearing rubber codpiece. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks,sci.physics From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New insights from the King of Physics Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 10:01:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Just to make sure everyone has this vital information at their fingertips, I'm reposting these from places like sci.logic, sci.math, and sci.physics in an effort to compile these important thoughts into a vast heap of anagrams. Last month, "MacEagle" (at no E-mail address) wrote: > > The letters in Archimedes Plutonium can > be rearragned to spell > > "The delicious rump man" > "Posh, numerical tedium" > "I am unpolished rectum" In various recent articles, "MacMillan" (at no E-mail address) wrote: > > "Archimedes Plutonium" anagram: > > "I am the purloined scum" and: > > "Archimedes Plutonium" anagram: > > "Penis could mature him" and: > > Archimedes Plutonium" anagram: > > "Champion tedium rules" Hmm, I wonder if MacEagle and MacMillan might be related, like twins or something. Earle Jones (ejones12@concentric.net) wrote: > > More anagrams: > > Archimedes Plutonium = > SUPREME HOMICIDAL NUT > MR. METICULOUS PINHEAD > RECOMPUTED HIS ALUMNI > IMPORT EUCLIDIAN MUSH > POUND HEURISTIC LEMMA > HILARIOUS CEMENT DUMP > LUDICROUS HEMP INMATE > MODULATES CHIMP URINE > MULTI-MENU P-ADICS HERO > > ...enough? And Dave Polewka (al037@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) wrote this classic way back in the history-mist-shrouded ancient days of September 1993: > > Ludwig.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu -- anagram (@=a) > ******************************************* > Would I argue math until dump'd out ?? I would just like to add that this post contains no original content by me, except to observe that Swanson's "Fried Chicken" dinners have been "improved" by replacing the fried chicken pieces with a single strange boneless, texture-less white ellipsoid covered with breading, some sort of strange puck-like approximation of bleached white meat. The back of the box informs me, "For those who enjoy classic fried chicken on the bone, our traditional fried chicken dark portions meals have also been improved to now include both white and dark pieces." In other words, they improved the white meat meal by making it a puck, they improved the dark meat by including the white meat they didn't use in the white meat meal, and they refer to them only as "white portions" and "dark pieces" because none of them are really meat. Thank you for reading, and have a happy dot-com! -- K. "But mommy, the catchphrase was cute the FIRST thousand times I said it!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.math,sci.logic,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New insights from the King of Physics Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 05:53:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In three science newsgroups, "MacOgle" wrote: > > "Archimedes Plutonium" = > > "Mr. Meticulous pinhead" > > submitted by EarleJones. Waah! I'm no good at anagrams. The best one I came up with after nearly sixty seconds of trying was HI, MELTED PURINA MUCOS which isn't even spelled correctly. I suggest we write to the Oxford English Dictionary to get them to change the spelling of 'mucous'/'mucus' to 'mucos' just for this anagram. -- K. Hot tip to all anagrammetrists: You can't spell arCHIMedes Plutonium without CHIMP. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.math,sci.logic,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New insights from the King of Physics Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:23:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > Hot tip to all anagrammetrists: > > > > You can't spell arCHIMedes Plutonium without CHIMP. > > I would just like to say: > [...] > > I, Mr. "A Loud Usenet Chimp". That's fine for you, but what about Mr. Plutonium? -- K. Now that we've taught chimps sign language and math, we need to try to teach them science so that we can see if any of them become mad scientists and change their names to Banana Bonzonium. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.skeptic,sci.physics,sci.math,sci.logic,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: what is wrong with Wiles's FLT explained via anagrams Re: New insights from the King of Physics Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:59:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.skeptic, sci.physics, sci.math, and sci.logic, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > Now look at anagrams. And this is the major fault of most anagrams. Yes. Anagrams should be un-look-at-able. ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM, MASTER OF THE INVISIBLE ANAGRAM! > If we are given two words of Archimedes Plutonium, than the anagram for > those two words should be two new words both of the same number of > letters as the original two words. And they should be in the same order, too. And they should spell out something that sounds really dopey. I can think of an anagram of "Archimedes Plutonium" meeting those conditions. > The aim of this post is not to discuss in depth the rules or what the > rules should be of anagrams or palindromes, That is a matter for Archimedes to take up with The International Governing Board Of Anagrams! Except he can't find them in the phone book because their listing is scambled. > for as I said earlier, these are more poetic and literary rules or > lack of rules. Yes, these are either rules or not rules! GENIUS! > But the science of precision which is mathematics cannot have gaps in rules. > Precision is precision, 100%. In mathematics, lack of precision is > often called 'hidden assumptions'. The aim of this post is to show what > is wrong with Wiles alleged proof of Fermat's Last Theorem FLT using > anagrams and palindromes. Just out of curiosity, what sort of anagrams have you been mosking? I seem to recall that his proof involved all sorts of esoteric mathematics such as modular functions and elliptics, not stupud baby anagrams. > Look at this so-called anagram of Archimedes Plutonium > > > "Posh numerical tedium" > > According to Wiles's FLT, and Wiles's definition of Natural Numbers = > Finite Integers, he would call that an anagram. Okay, so we can't call it an anagram, just a true statement. > But it is not for it has two spaces but the original has only one space. Also the spaces are smaller than the space inside the head of the original. > You see, mathematicians have out of laziness overlooked the fact that > Finite Integers have endless strings of zeroes such as > > ....0000000000001 > ....0000000000002 > ....0000000000003 > . > . > . > and that these Finite Integers are no different than the adic integers > > The world of mathematics is as precise as a cube rotated 180 degrees > and is again the same cube. No it isn't, because it takes time to rotate anything (because you cannot rotate faster than light) and so it is a LATER cube than the original. Duh! > And where the Finite Integers upon examination are really the Adic Integers. > > To make a anagram starting with two words and ending with 3 or more > words is not precise, and nonprecision is not mathematics. WRONG! "nonprecision" has NO SPACE and "not mathematics" HAS A SPACE! > Wiles and previous mathematicians have blindly accepted that Natural > Numbers = Finite Integers without ever questioning what "finite" means. > Nor have the closely examined the meaning of 'place value' and that the > Finite Integers have infinite place value filled with zeroes. They have > been sloppy and imprecise. The Finite Integers can be called poetic > with a poetic license, but not mathematics which requires or at least > strives for 100% precision. > > For an anagram to be mathematically precise such as the cube rotation > 180 degrees would require of the two words > > archimedes plutonium > > two new words of the same letter length with one space separation such > as this: > > > imedesarch niumpluto Dear Heresiarch Nimnul, Please change your name to something which sounds more stupid instead of less stupid when the letters are scrambled. > There is no better way to simply show Wiles and math professors what > their mistake with FLT is. Than to show them the analogy of anagram > mistakes of place value. So your proof involves an analogy of an anagram of a mistake? GENIUS! SHEER, TOTAL, GENIUS! Excuse me, SUEING! SHEER, TOTAL, SUEING! -- K. P.S. Also, you can't spell "palindrome" backwards. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.dreams.lucid From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 02:19:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology, Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I dreamed that I was at a video arcade with a Duke Nukem machine and > nothing else worth playing..... during the New Year! Don'y forget that I was the voice of Duke Nukem in both the Duke Nukem 3D Plutonium Pack and the original Duke Nukem 3D Boron Molecule. TOP TEN THINGS KIBO SAYS AS DUKE NUKEM: 10.) "Bite down on this while I pull!" 9.) "That hat looks so gay!" 8.) "My hat doesn't look so gay!" 7.) "I wet 'em!" 6.) "Pez dispenser, thermo-nuclear initiator, what's the difference?" 5.) "Bad bug, you go squish!" 4.) "I weel crush you, like bug!" 3.) "That's the kinda itch you can't scratch by yourself!" 2.) "Hey, Polly, want THIS cracker?" 1.) "I don't need no stinkin' budgies!" > Everyone was huddled around the Duke Nukem machine, so I wandered into > the cafeteria that seemed to be there and did the countdown. But I > was about ten seconds early, and everyone else, in the other room, > started at "5" a few moments later. > > Later I found myself at the network lab at DeVry doing something or > other and thinking "Hey! It's January 1, 2000!" but that didn't > do anything but make me feel special. I believe you have just posted the most cogent summary of what will actually happen on January 1, 2000: * Life will continue as usual, except * There will be no actual TV broadcasts because * From September 1, 1999 to July 1, 2001 all TV channels will be devoted to telling us how special the Year 2000 is. > Also for some reason I was recording something on TV in there. WHEN THE YEAR 2000 COMES I'M GONNA TAPE IT SO I CAN MAKE MY GRANDCHILDREN WATCH IT AS SOON AS THEY'RE OLD ENOUGH TO WATCH TV!!! > I remember vaguely some trekkish movie thing that happened. Did it feel odd or even? If you're dreaming you're in an odd-numbered Star Trek movie then it was probably just William Shatner doing a naked fan dance. If you dreamed of an even-numbered Star Trek movie than there probably would have been enough of a plot for you to remember it, so I conclude that you must have dreamed of a singing, dancing, nude Kirk. > Then, for some reason I had the strange sense of being divorced. > Since I'd never really had the sense of being married, Oh, now you know how I feel about my relationship with the soon-to-be-annulled Barbara Bain. I JUST KNOW THAT SHE'LL DISAPPEAR WHEN THE MOON COLLIDES WITH THE OTHER MOON WHEN WE REACH THE END OF THIS ETERNAL TIME WARP AT THE END OF THE EPISODE! > it was sort of like Ross's divorce on "Friends", and because I had the sense > of being milked dry it's sort of like Ted Frank's divorce. I didn't > even know who I was married to, I just remember running around the > DeVry campus ranting about how screwed I am without ever having > been really screwed in the good way first. She agreed not to take > any of my money, though, after Benson from "Soap" came in, ...and let's not forget Senson on "Boap". BOAP! BOAP! BOAP! This has been THE MOST POINTLESS CALLBACK EVER! I win a SPECIAL PRIZE! I get to CONTINUE BEING ME! Yayyyyyyy!!! > talked to her for two minutes, and when she seemed unreceptive, gave her > a death threat. I wasn't there but I was watching. And now that > I think back, this imaginary person helped me more with my imaginary > wife than anyone in my real life. In fact, nobody from my real > life was even in the whole bloody production. I think whenever I > needed to cast a DeVry student, I made one up. You didn't just put up ads on the subway or buy two-minute-long commercials during "The Munsters" at 3:30am like the real DeVry does? > OK, so then I was free. Then some more trekkish movie stuff happened > that sort of blends into vagueness, as my dream became a weird > mish-mash of the DeVry campus and the Cortez High campus, and during > the walk home I noticed a lot of really well-prepared lawns and > gardens, multi-story additions, most of which were basement-level > floors to accomodate the gardens that were sunk down one story. > > Damn, why can't I just dream about NEKKID CHYX like everyone else? > The closest I ever come is dreaming about pr0n. With the Internet, you don't need to DREAM about porn! You can LIVE it! Or at least look at it. Which is really the same thing -- as long as the Internet is between you and the naked gal you're not gonna really get any. That's why I don't use the Internet! -- K. Ha! Ha! I am perverting the "use/mention distinction" just to annoy Douglas Hofstadter! Also I just mentioned him in this article, which means that now he's physically enclosed by it! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:50:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > "mavvv" (twodar@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > If there are 50 states, and each state hires one person to patrol > > the air space against nitches and aircraft blockers. Thirteen (13) > > years later, the US air is filled with blockers and nitches. Mmm, bloomers and knishes. > I just want everyone to know that I have a non-crazy cow-orker that also > uses worldnet. However, from what I've seen on Usenet in general, I do > concur that the name should probably be changed to worldnut. > > But at least it's not WebTV!!! So what should WebTV be changed to? Something like "I post to the Internet through my TV set's remote control, flicker flicker flicker?" You know, if people actually had digital TVs, this would sound a lot less stupid. But fortunately there is no such thing as digital TV yet. -- K. P.S. world.com is to world.std.com as att.net is to worldnet.att.net as _____ is to www.mciworldcom.com? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.dreams.lucid From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 07:18:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology and alt.dreams.lucid, "mavvv" (twodar@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...some stuff that elicited a non-sequiturious response...] > > You are a writer, and you probably would be interested in the fact > that the US is filled with people who call their job: Air Sabotage. > How good are you at math? Maybe I was expecting too much when I expected lucid responses from people in alt.dream.lucid. Maybe I just naturally attract these people. Am I wearing a "HONK IF YOU'RE CRAZY" sign on my butt again? > If there are 50 states, and each state hires one person to patrol > the air space against nitches and aircraft blockers. Thirteen (13) > years later, the US air is filled with blockers and nitches. "blockers and nitches": Good folks in alt.religion.kibology, mark your calendars, we've just discovered a new catchphrase. MMM, SMELL THAT FRESH MORNING AIR FILLED WITH BLOCKERS AND NITCHES!!! OH NO! MY LAUNDRY HAMPER IS FILLED WITH BLOTCHES AND KNICKERS!!! AND KNOCKERS AND BRITCHES!!! (Now form a line, we must chase Benny Hill to the horizon in double-speed.) > Personally, I can't image how many of the nitches can be stored > on disc. ...using the convenient new Kodak Nitche Disk! You can shoot thirteen nitche photos a second onto one of these disks that stores eight of them! Kodak will NEVER admit it's a flop, just like the Advanced Photo System or PhotoCD! > Myself I am computer new, Gee, I had no idea. Tell Frank Oz I said hi, Yoda. > and I have scads of nitches stored on 3-1/2 inch discs. They must be small nitches. Real nitches need 5-1/4 inch disks, the kind that hold much more than 3-1/2 inch disks. > Would you like to help me figure this mathematical problem? Only if this is one of those "now take away two matches" problems, because someone needs to take away your matches. > How much money has the US people paid for the destruction of > the United States? Ten dollars for every occurrence of the words "Archimedes" and "Plutonium" in the same sentence. Plus the cost of all those floppy disks they have to use to do whatever the heck you're waving your mental arms about in your special little universe. > Who is calling their job: Burn the US flag, and every human > being who lives in the United States? I'm starting to think someone here smoked a polyester flag. > In 1999, you and me want to know how much money was spent, > and every person who has the job of destroying the US. I'm sorry, I'm too busy to talk to you right now. I have to go test my mind-control laser on a Furby. -- K. Usually I have to go LOOK for these people... P.S. Thomas's English Muffins are full of old-fashioned blockers and nitches. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.dreams.lucid From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:18:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology and alt.dream.lucid, The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Am I wearing a "HONK IF YOU'RE CRAZY" sign on my butt again? > > Yes. And I'm wearing the big neon "Make Fun of Me When I Misspell Soap" > sign on my booty, too. In the sentence above you misspelled "Boap", hope this helps. Boap this belps. You know, "Mission: Impossible" would have been a much funnier show if Peter Graves had played "Boap Belps" instead of "Jim Phelps", and if he'd been Leslie Nielsen. And if Barbara Bain had more speeches about killer soap suds destroying the Moon. > I'll take your sign off if you'll take off mine. RUTH BUZZI: "Don't you take my sign off!" JIM NABORS: "Wayull, gaw-lee!" (THE TWO OF THEM CHASE EACH OTHER AROUND ALT.DREAMS.LUCID IN FAST MOTION. RANDOM BEEPING NOISES ARE DROWNED OUT BY LITTLE KIDS' LAUGH TRACK.) JIM NABORS: "Maw, paw done shot up thur Ay-Oh-Hell AGAYN!" (THE KOOL-AID PITCHER BURSTS THROUGH THE WALL.) RUTH BUZZI: "Oh no!" KOOL-AID MAN: "Oh yeah!" (HE POURS HIMSELF OVER THEM AND THEY DROWN IN HIS RED BODILY FLUIDS. THE END.) -- K. I have Sid Krofft's autograph *and* I drink lots of Kool-Aid! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.dreams.lucid,alt.mcdonalds.crew From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 00:59:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In alt.religion.kibology and alt.dreams.lucid, > > "mavvv" (twodar@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > > > If there are 50 states, and each state hires one person to patrol > > > the air space against nitches and aircraft blockers. Thirteen (13) > > > years later, the US air is filled with blockers and nitches. > > > > "blockers and nitches": Good folks in alt.religion.kibology, mark your > > calendars, we've just discovered a new catchphrase. > > Somebody please tell me what "blockers and nitches" are? Quickly, > before I start singing "blockers and nitches and doidies oh my!" Blinkers and notches are your friends. Wonkers and blinches are your friends. Blintzes and nachos are your friends. I would just like to point out that last night I had a non-dumb dream. I was in junior high school gym class and we were doing something outside in our stupid little maroon shorts and two of the bad kids snuck off into the woods with a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher and went up to the top of the World Trade Center and started blowing the tops off the other buildings and I had to tell the fat lazy generals how to take those guys out. If I hadn't woken up at that point, I wouldn't have remembered any of the dream, but this is my guess as to how it would have ended: PRESIDENT: "Kibo, as President of the United States, here is your reward for telling those fat lazy generals how to shoot people: I am abdicating and making you President!" PRESIDENT: "Yay! Thank you, Mr. Ex-President!" ...then I would've had some sort of twisted relationship with MTV's "Daria" because she is so cool even though she's just a cartoon. -- K. Daria is like Jeneane Garofalo only more realistic. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: pluts messenger Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 03:41:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.astro, "david monnig" (EAT410@webtv.net) wrote, quoted in full: > > Subject: pluts messenger > > A repeat from christmas for brothers and sisters studying astrology > please, some ice balls for sceience and possibly a nut for the chevey > > As the mouse hears no word let not the sound of new words remember the > squeak. Oh my word, Leah Verre and Manley Hubbell are sharing the new WebTV that they got for Christmas. LEAH, UNPLUG IT AND LOCK YOURSELF IN THE BATHROOM. TAKE TWO RED CAPSULES, THEN IN TEN MINUTES, TAKE TWO MORE. HELP IS ON THE WAY. FOR GREATER ENJOYMENT AND MAXIMUM EFFICIENCY, YOUR WEBTV WILL BE PICKED UP AND ROUTED TO A PLACE WHERE WEBTVS ARE ACTUALLY NEEDED, SUCH AS THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN TO PLUG UP THAT HOLE WHERE THE WATER KEEPS DRAINING OUT. Santa will be punished for this! -- K. Sometimes I wonder how these WebTV people can possibly post to the Internet from their TV while knowing that they could instead be watching a "Knight Rider" rerun at that very moment. Or maybe they don't realize that after they hook up a WebTV to their TV that they can still use it to watch television? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.history.science,sci.physics.fusion,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Ranking of sciences; Pons-Fleischmann vs. Prusiner vs. Wiles Race of (fakes) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 05:44:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In three science newsgroups, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) carried on with his assertion that all science except his is fake: > > Swartz is a Wiles without the limelight. Swartz is a Prusiner without > the limelight. Swartz is a Pons or a Fleischmann without the limelight. > I do not want to put Swartz into my killfile, but if he continues to > pollute my threads with his baloney, I shall. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired heavy metal rock band name #15: Polluted Baloney Threads -- K. Archie is an Abian without the Weekly World News cover story. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Rubber or Latex down jackets Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 09:33:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.sex.fetish.fashion, "wiljan" (120010361858@post8.tele.dk) wrote: > > I am looking for girls in rubber or latex Down Jackets black, red, > silver or gold. I have several girls in my apartment who are all wearing latex down jackets but they're all transparent. (And so are the jackets.) Sorry. > Any good sites ? or just post them here. > I also looks for shops. The problem I always run into when shopping for latex down jackets for my harem is that latex down jackets aren't REALLY latex down jackets unless they're stuffed with feathers that are ALSO made of latex. > Regards Trold Me too! -- K. I sense the birth of an in-joke. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.misc,sci.econ,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: sci.jobs-work Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 11:13:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.econ and sci.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I need another science field or category. But, Arch, it's always been the general assumption that you don't belong in ANY category of science. > [...] > > Some facts that we already know about jobs. Behold the wisdom of the career dishwasher! > We know that if you break a work force into jobs as opposed to paying people "just to mill about aimlessly" > that the end product is better then if you had > nearly everyone else performing the jobs. GENIUS! > If we put a talented group together to make soap > who then goes and sells the soap to others for > some of their products, is a more efficient and energy saving and time > saving arrangement than if every household made their own soap. GENIUS! Wait a minute... a mad German scientist... obsessed with soap-making... posts long, meaningless rants... ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM IS DOCTOR BRONNER! ALL-IN-ONE! DILUTE! DILUTE! OK! BUY MY ESSENE SNACK FOOD PUFFS! DILUTE AGAIN! DILUTE SOME MORE! OK! The only problem with that is that the real Dr. Bronner is dead, and Archimedes isn't dead. Also, the real Dr. Bronner may be dead, but I'm sure he's contributing more to science than Archimedes Plutonium is. Dr. Bronner is still making hippie soap from beyond the grave. Archie, we hope, is USING soap in his day job of peeling spaghetti of dinner plates. > So, specialization which is the foundation of jobs and work is time saving > and energy saving and more productive and better quality. > > The science sci.jobs-work should obviously be ranked near the science > of economics for it relates to it the most. > > But there is a relationship that I am intrigued to explore between > sci.jobs-work and sci.religion. Yes, we should explore this relationship between the two imaginary newsgroups you've cooked up. Are they where you post your genius-quality work? > It was in the Puritan religion where > this idea was pronounced and elaborated upon. The idea is that we find > God best through our occupation, our life-calling. It is this idea that > I want to explore, how are jobs are tied with and connected to God that > so few people realize. I don't know, I think that priests in *all* religions have jobs that are connected to God. Of course, the ones with the fuller collection plates are more closely connected. -- K. So, Arch, how does washing dishes bring you closer to God? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Soap Bits. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:39:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > A large-ish package, easily big enough to hold a bar of soap in, arrived > for me. Clearly labelled on said package was the "Dove Soap" [dibs] logo. > Inside, however, I found: > > 47 ounces bubble wrap > 1 bar Dove soap, measuring 1 inch by 1/2 inch > Small paper folder with two clear plastic circles in it > Advertising pamphlet > > In the small paper folder, which accompanied the world's smallest bar of > soap, were two plastic circles, and some black squares printed on the > facing page. The folder had directions, which read: > > "Remove one D-SQUAME disk. Apply to clean, dry skin surface. > Press firmly for a few seconds, then transfer disk to a black > Use product, then repeat with other disk. See the difference!" > > Also note that D-SQUAME is dibs by CuDerm Corporation. My last box of hair dye came with a printed pamphlet (as opposed to the handwritten kind) with two plastic gloves printed onto pages two and three of four. So apparently they have a new printing process that can print clothing but only onto propaganda. ALSO I DON'T USE HAIR DYE BEFORE STAGED PHOTO OPPORTUNITIES, MY HAIR JUST NATURALLY SMELLS LIKE CHEMICALS!!! You know you're a nerd when the Boston Herald makes fun of your haircut and puts your photo on the front page just to make sure everyone gets a good look. > My question is this: what the hell? Well, did you de-squame yourself to rid your body of all those awful squamous cells? They're all squamous and wet and squishy like a Baggie filled with Astroglide. I'm sure that without them your body would stay a lot less oozy and drippy. Malta Syracuse (revjack@radix.net), who keeps changing his, her, or its real name just to mess up my archive, wrote: > > Right before I read this, I opened a freebie thingie from the fine folks > at LEVER 2000, which consisted of (1) a blue net drawstring bag, > containing (2) a very small box with a very small bar of LEVER 2000 SOAP > in it, and (3) a green sponge the size and shape of a small child's hand. > Nowhere in the little flier (I was going to type "documentation", just > shoot me now) was there any mention of the Green Sponge Hand. > > So anyways, I did all that, then I read your article, and I thought, > "damn, she beat me to it". What the hell? Was it a left or a right hand? If it's a left hand, tell a lie and it'll turn black if the lie made the Mafia cry. If it's a right hand, then listen to it clap. If it's a neuter hand, then attach it to the end of a Tinkertoy dowel rod and make the world's first one-bladed windmill, which will be powered entirely by people hitting miniature golf balls into it. By the way, miniature golf balls are what we used to call "marbles". > Point for the Marketers: they made me open it. That's hard to do. Unless you're a monkey. Monkeys will open anything, even boxes that turn out to be empty, because they're STUPID! Of course, if you want the monkey to keep opening boxes, you have to give him some sort of worthless toy, like a child's hand made of green styrofoam. Maybe if you keep opening boxes you'll get the rest of the child. -- K. "I hope it's the half that washes!" -- Roald Dahl P.S. HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Soap Bits. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 05:37:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > [...] the monkey to keep opening boxes, you have to give him some sort of > > worthless toy, like a child's hand made of green styrofoam. > > > > Maybe if you keep opening boxes you'll get the rest of the child. > > Good, at least I wasn't the only one who thought the child-hand in the > boap box was a little perverted. You're using boap, the new soap-on-a-rope made entirely from live bees? No wonder it stings your eyes! Besides, you only bought it because of all the subliminal product placements on the original "Star Trek": KIRK Spock, what's our position? SPOCK I shall endeavor to detect our position... now. (SPOCK switches on his glowing blue ViewMaster.) VIEWMASTER (sound effect) BOAP! BOAP! BOAP! BUYBOAP! BOAP! BOAP! BOAP! BUYBOAP! SPOCK Captain, I suggest that in our position the only logical next step would be... to BUY BOAP. KIRK Spock -- boap! What is -- boap? CHEKOV Kiptin, boap wis inwintid bi Pitir Thi Grit. UHURA Sir, they say he used to use it to elminate grit. Boap, I mean. VIEWMASTER (sound effect) BOAP! BOAP! BOAP! BUYBOAP! BOAP! BOAP! BOAP! BUYBOAP! SULU Oh, my! Boap sounds _fantabulous_! KIRK Spock, could this -- lack of -- 'boap' -- be -- the -- reason -- why -- we -- don't have anyyyyyyy........... boap? SPOCK Captain, boap boap boap, boap boap, boap boap. BUY BOAP! RIKER Boap! Boap! Burp! KIRK Get back in Matt McIrvin's pastiche, you -- fat -- hairy -- SPOCK Captain, this bickering is pointless. I am leaving. (SPOCK walks off the set through the wall, leaving a huge rip in the cardboard. The air is sucked out of the ship and everyone dies.) -- K. BOAP A HAPPY DOT-COM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Spot Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 05:02:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "The Avocado Avenger" (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Chris McGonnell (smeagol@key-net.net) writes: > > > > Okay, Kibo, you got 24 hours to post Spot's Hmas story. It better have > > Einstein or guacamole in it, or I'll sulk and just play with the empty box. > > Hear Here! Also please include nachos and a side of refritos please. I > mean por favor. Thanks you. I mean graciases you. SPOT'S OTHER 1998 CHRISTMAS STORY, THE ONE THAT WASN'T WORTH POSTING Copyright (C) 1998 James "Kibo" Parry Written On A Dare For Stacia & Chris Who Weren't Too Naughty This Year Poor Spot! When he opened his only Christmas present, he found that it contained nothing but guacamole! "Waah! I asked for nachos and a side of refritos too! This sucks!" Spot flushed the guacamole down the toilet and began waiting for Santa to bring him guacamole with nachos and refritos NEXT Christmas. While he was waiting, several months later, the doorbell rang. It was Albert Einstein! "Who are you?" asked Spot. "Why, Spot, I'm the world's most famous scientist, and inventor of the flying tuba-mobile, Albert Einstein." "No you're not! The REAL Albert Einstein was very modest and shy and never went door-to-door just to brag about having invented the flying tuba-mobile!" Einstein quickly tossed Spot into a bag and hopped into his flying tuba-mobile. He blew into the mouthpiece and the tuba-mobile rose into the air with a mighty oom-pah. When Spot was allowed out of the sack, he looked around. He had been abducted to a distant location, namely, the North Pole! "HO HO HO!" yelled Santa. "Thank you for bringing me my Christmas present, Professor Einstein!" Einstein blushed. "Aw, shucks. It was nothing. SOMEBODY had to." "This puppy is so young and soft and moist! I shall put him to work right away." Santa placed some curly-toed green shoes on all four of Spot's paws and put an elf hat on his head, securing the chin-strap with a heavy padlock. Then he glued Spot to a chair at the far end of Santa's sweatshop's assembly line. "Waah!" cried Spot, "I can't assemble toys very well because I'm just a dog and I'm wearing shoes on my arms!" Santa pulled the lever which started the conveyor belt as he used his other hand to crack a stainless steel whip in Spot's face. Spot immediately began to work. Spot's task was to assemble Furbies. There were three different colors of eyes (blue, green, and brown) and three different colors of fur (black, white, and brown) and three different voice pitches (irritating, annoying, and evil) and every Furby had to be different. After Spot had assembled twenty-seven Furbies, he was unable to continue, and thus was subject to Santa's fiercest punishment: Spot was taken to The Punishment Dome. The Punishment Dome was four miles high, and Spot's torment would be the merriment of the thousands of elves seated in the bleachers. Spot had to sky-dive from the top of the dome into a small tub of water. Santa handed Spot his parachute harness, which was made of piano wire. And boy, was it tight! Spot took a deep doggie breath and jumped. On the way down, Santa and Einstein switched the tub of water with a vat of guacamole, nachos, and refritos. "Hey! This isn't going to be so bad!" said Spot, spotting the delicious repast in the vat. Then he saw that the elves' tiny hands were holding tiny forks. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Starbucks Opens New Shops Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 06:39:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So did you take the job at Hewlett-Packard back before Hewlett joined, > > when they just made cars? > > Actually, you guessed it right, in a way. My father and 2 other guys > did a startup in Boonton, which was known as "Vacuum-tube Valley" in the > 30's, because of the Rockaway River Valley. Bakelite had been invented > in Boonton in 1906 and a lot of electronics companies started up in the > next 2 decades, making instruments to test plastics. > My dad invented the Q-meter EWW! YOU'RE Q. RON HUBBARD JUNIOR!!! Okay, now I have to go look up "Q-meter" so that I can insult you smarter. Just a second: -> The Q meter is not just a "prestige" instrument to be dusted off each -> morning when opening the shop or lab. It is fully capable of performing -> many tasks in a matter of minutes that ordinarily require considerable -> mechanical and mathematical dexterity. Originally a Q meter was out -> of financial reach of the average service shop but now Heathkit -> ingenuity has brought it into line. HAW! HAW! HEATHKIT SAYS YOUR Q-METER HAS NO PRESTIGE! ALSO HEATHKIT MAKES THEM SO THEY MUST SUCK! > (my sister still has the prototype on her > hearth) and they started Boonton Radio Corporation in 1934 to build it, > when I was 3 years old. Hewlett and Packard got together in 1938, and > they bought Boonton Radio Corp. in 1959, so you could say I was > "involved" with HP 4 years before either H or P was. And there is > no relation between Dave Packard of HP and the motorcar manufacturer > James Ward Packard, or the computer company Packard Bell. Except by marriage. All three of them. > I listened to Bob Hope on my crystal radio, because my parents would > not let me listen to him in the living room because his jokes were "too > dirty". He would end his show each Sunday with a "dirty limerick", > such as: > "When roses are red, they ought to be plucked. Girls seventeen, ought to > be Goodnite Folks". Thanks for the memories. I think the Heathkit catalog says something like "#123A, Crystal Radio Set. Once you assemble this fun kit you can listen to Bob Hope on your new crystal radio. NOTE: You may not listen to anyone else." -- K. I like Q-meters, I really do. P.S. An entry from a Web discussion board: -> Re: AC Resistance (formerly Spice Simulation Pictures) -> To: tesla@pupman.com -> Subject: Re: AC Resistance (formerly Spice Simulation Pictures) -> From: "Edward V. Phillips" -> Date: Wed, 6 Nov 1996 17:37:47 -0800 (PST) -> [...] -> -> This "substitution" method is an excellent way to -> measure the effective PARALLEL resistance of a very high-impedance -> or a very low-impedance (make that reactance) coil, in the region -> where a Q-meter can't work well. I have used it for years -> and find it plenty accurate enough "for government work". I will keep that in mind the next time the government asks me to switch from simulating Spice Girls movies to measuring the effective parallel resistance of a very high impedance coil. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go do marketing research on the next twenty proposed Spice Girls movies. (I honestly cannot figure out what Q-meters have to do with "Spice Simulation Pictures" or Starbucks opening new shops, except to apologize for the fact that Bob Hope is somehow involved.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.food.taco-bell,alt.religion.kibology,alt.tech-support.recovery From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: TAKO BELL BOBBING DOG Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:48:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.food.taco-bell, Nita Reardon (nita45@netins.net) wrote: > > A few days back there was an "ad" to sell bobbing, drinking Tako Bell dogs. > I didn't copy it and would love to have a copy if anyone has it. You may want to call this to the attention of alt.tech-support recovery. I'm sure they will be pleasantly surprised to learn that there are now bobbing dogs. Just out of curiosity, did anyone at the ad agency get fired for saying "By the way, doesn't anyone else think that showing ads where a dog likes our taco filling make it really obvious that our tacos are filled with Alpo?" > God Bless, Nita > nita45@netins.net God Bless Kibo -- K. P.S. Have a happy dot-com! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Thanks for the donation to lawsuit Re: Lawsuit on sysadmin of various ISP Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:14:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) replied to his own reply to his own reply to his own rant: > > Today I received a surprize card, by a Mr. D who I do not have the > liberty to name. Wow! Your imaginary friends have progressed to one-letter names! Wake us up when they start getting their own driver's licenses. By the way, when you bring your imaginary lawsuit against NASA, AOL, me, the New York Times, etc., I'm sure at least one of the lawyers will ask you under oath who Mr. D is, so better get cracking on making up names for your pretend playmates. > In a waxed sealed card with a donation check to the > Plutonium Atom Foundation to bring lawsuit upon Boston's std.com for > their harrassing censorship and disturbance of the sci newsgroups. And that check! Said! Seven! Cents! Off! TUBE SOCKS!!!! NOW YOU KNOW THE REST OF... THE STORY!!! > Thank you Mr. D ! > The Plutonium Atom Foundation is grateful to Mr. D and blesses him, > and others like him to the Fields of Elysium. Atom Eww. That means I have to stay in the same imaginary Field Of Elysium as Mr. D: --> From: Ludwig.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Ludwig Plutonium) --> Subject: Re: LP archive updated --> Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.plutonium, alt.religion.kibology --> Organization: Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH --> Date: 7 Aug 1994 15:43:28 GMT --> --> kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes: --> > --> > I've just copied about a hundred more articles into the Ludwig --> > Plutonium archive [...] I have LP's permission to keep this archive. --> > --> > [...] --> > --> Thanks, Kibo. It bears repeating. PU, PLuto blessed James "Kibo" --> Parry to The Fields of Elysium. ATOM Of course, I've been there for four years, and let me tell you, there's no room left at THE COOL TABLE. > I have until February to decide to go ahead or not. I like situations > like this, where either way is of advantage to PAF. If I go ahead, the > publicity. If I do not, the fact that the King of Science has a huge > cadre, in fact the largest on the Internet ^^^^^ I believe you misspelled "deformity". Hope this helps. > of a gaggle of *unpaid* clowns chasing after me. But, Arch, you keep insisting that forces unknown send me mystery money to call you an idiot. By the way, you're an idiot. So let's see, so far we have: 1.) People pay Kibo to call Archie an idiot. 2.) People who call Archie an idiot aren't getting paid. 3.) An unnamed person paid Archie an unnamed amount to file an imaginary lawsuit against everyone else on the Internet. From these three premises we can derive, logically, the following statement: 4.) By the way, you're still an idiot. So is the mystery person who sent you mystery money for your nonexistant lawsuit the evil twin of the mystery person who pays people to call you an idiot? If so, then maybe they're KITT and KARR from "Knight Rider". If your imaginary friend have an oscillating red light that goes "woo-woo", then my theory is correct. Also, you're an idiot. > Why, I must occupy the time and attention of > thousands of court jesters and fools. And unlike court fools of the > past with political kings, those were paid fools. I, the King of > Science am treated to thousands of unpaid fools and jestures, As a child, you must have had an unhappy jestation period. > and they > certainly have helped my crusade in bringing more of the world audience > to the Atom Totality Universe. And should some of these fools such as > Rich Lafferty or Lionel Lauer or Kibo or Sam or Mc-whatever begin to > slacken off of their court foolishness, I have to think of another "pep > candy sucker bar to pitch them." ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM-INSPIRED PSYCHEDELIC ROCK BAND NAME #14: ARCHIE'S PEP CANDY SUCKER BAR PITCH > Jesus Christ teaches us the valuable lesson of "turning the other > cheek when attacked". And as of recent, I never really ever practiced > that. Yeah, but you said you were practicing playing dumb: --> From: Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Archimedes Plutonium) --> Subject: Re: Calling of Phoenix, Sam, Kibo, MacGiggle as witnesses --> Newsgroups: misc.legal, sci.edu --> Organization: learning to become a lawyer --> Date: 11 Dec 1998 07:39:16 GMT --> --> [...] --> --> Let me teach you something, although you sound too closed-minded to --> listen. A lesson I learned after I got out of college and has helped my --> life and career immensely (someday if you have time and interest, you --> can read about it in my autobio --> http://www.galstar.com/~ichudov/ppl/ap/File1966-1972.html ). --> --> And it involves an art, a skill and I think I am an expert at it. It --> is the skill of "acting dumb" to get ahead of an adversary. --> --> [...] ...and practice makes perfect. > But now I am learning it in practice. And so well am I learning > it that I propose to extend Jesus's wisdom of turning the other cheek > for those situations where it really is not physical. Um, Archie, I think people figured out a couple thousands years ago that that was METAPHORICAL. Next you're going to tell me that we're LITERALLY driving you crazy! (Please stop shouting "ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET?") > The Internet is not physical. At least not when you're using an imaginary search engine from the imaginary "Legal-Law Desk" at the imaginary Plutonium Atom Foundation. > The saying is that "sticks and stones will break my bones > but words will never hurt me." In fact, words on the Internet by > attackers usually help the defender. Here, let me help you: You're an idiot. > But to push Jesus's wisdom further, and this can be done practically > on the Internet. EWW! MOMMY! ARCHIE SQUISHED JESUS ALL UP AND PUSHED HIM THROUGH A MODEM CABLE! GROSS! > I think of these stalkers as rock-throwers-at-cars. So now you're pretending you have a car? Maybe you should work your way up slowly. Pretend you can afford a rock. > Immature kids > that think they can get away with their misbehaviour, and it tickles > them inside to cause damage to passing cars. And they run away before > you catch them. The Rich Lafferty and Lionel Lauer and Kibo are the > stone-throwers-at-passing-cars of the Internet. But they do not really > cause any physical damage. > So, let us Extend Jesus's wisdom of "turning the other cheek", > instead of getting annoyed by the Lafferty's and Lauer's and Kibo's and > Sam's and Phoenix's, let us Offer Them the Other Cheek Plus More and > More and More. Arch, if you've got five cheeks, we REALLY don't need to know about it. > So, come February I make my decision, Is that the one about whether it's a pretend lawsuit written on real paper in imaginary crayon or an imaginary lawsuit written on pretend paper with real crayon? > but already I learned some new things. > > Thanks to Mr. D, and if one person has the determination to send my a > donation to lawsuit std.com of Boston, I would think that there are > millions of readers upset over the excessive abuse by sysadmin of ISP > companies who harass private citizen customers of the Internet. If > someone is willing to donate money to a lawsuit against sysadmin for > harrassement is indication to me that Internet needs a fundamental > structure change. That these alt newsgroups, many are set up for the > sole purpose as attack platforms such as alt religion kibology, > alt.syntax.tactical, alt.usenet.kooks. Don't forget alt.sci.physics.plutonium. > Examining my killfile, a large proportion of those people under > pseudonames and real names are sysadmin or connected in work to a ISP, Archie's magical powers allow him to determine job occupations from E-mail addresses! Hmm, Arch, if you were sane, that would mean that you would be Archimedes.Plutonium@dishwasher.hanover.inn, but your E-mail address is normal so you must be crazy. > who in their ample free time do nothing but attack private citizens > trying to do serious work on Internet. Typically they stalk and > harrass. A solution for this would be that the ISP industry regards to > its sysadmin and workers should be "legally seen as no different from a > telephone operator or telephone service people" and should they play > games of stalking and harrassement upon people not working in the ISP > industry, and thus breaking laws of Telephonery. The equivalent analogy > is a telephone operator calling up private citizens with obscene > telephone calls. > > I will have to wait until February and see how I feel. At present, I > am already engaged in a lawsuit. Keep us posted. What was the outcome of the "Motion For Summary Judgment" that you asked us to explain earlier this month? --> From: Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Archimedes Plutonium) --> Subject: Motion for summary judgement --> Newsgroups: misc.legal --> Organization: learning to become a lawyer --> Date: 6 Dec 1998 04:39:23 GMT --> --> I found out that such a motion has 30 days for response but that --> other motions have only 10 days for response. I understand that a --> summary judgement occurs when the complaint has "no material". And the --> judgement is without trial. --> Can someone give a brief synopsis of "motion for summary judgement" --> and how plaintiffs usually respond to these motions? Also, have you learned the difference between a statute of limitations and a "statue" of limitations yet? --> From: Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Archimedes Plutonium) --> Subject: proving Simple Assault --> Newsgroups: misc.legal --> Date: 25 Oct 1998 03:23:09 GMT --> Organization: learning to become a lawyer --> --> On simple assault of physical contact but no bodily harm, in order to --> prove it, do I need witnesses? --> --> How do courts look at simple assault, because if there are no --> eye-witnesses it seems as though it is his word against my word? --> --> What is the statue of limitations on simple assault? Is it two years? Archie, you're no ordinary lawyer! In fact, you're not even remotely similar to a lawyer. Unless that lawyer is also an idiot. -- K. Justice may be blind, but at least it can tell a law from a sculpture. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Missing "ain" Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 02:31:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In four newsgroups, "Captain Infinity" (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Plain and Simple Cronan" (jamel@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > Amarna, Troy, the Mods and now you, Capt. Infinity, > > have fallen victim to Typical Cronan's strange game. > > OK, this has gone on long enough, and I CAN'T STAND IT ANY MORE! > > Where is the "ain"? Hunh? Where? WHERE?!! > > Is it so freaking hard to type "ain", or sometimes "tai"? Hey, it 't easy, you know. > It's not even like you people are saving the three keystrokes you omit, > because then you throw one back in by typing "'" or ".". Wait... on the Internet, *you* TYPE? With your HANDS? THAT'S LIKE A BABY'S INTERNET!!! > Here, repeat after me: > > Captain Infinity > Captain Infinity > Captain Infinity Catpain Unnifty Catpain Unnifty Catpain Unnifty I don't see what's so hard about that. It was even kinda fun. Especially the part where you gave me a million dollars about five seconds from now. I'm waiting... > It's "CAPTAIN", not "CAPT." or "CAP'N" or "CAPPY" or even "CAP" (although > "Cap" is an acceptable substitute, Dear Infinity Capp, Y'r dr'nk ag'n 'n I'm g'na w't b'hind th' d''r w' a rollin' p'n. I KNOW ALL ABOUT ENGLAD BECAUSE I'VE READ EVERY "ANDY CAPP" STRIP THEY EVER PRINTED AT TINY SIZE ON BAGS OF ARTIFICIAL FRENCH FRIES! > because it does, indeed, save four keystrokes but adds nothing, I hear your keystrokes but they add nothing. You typed them badly. Let me: "WE!! THE!! PEOPLE!! IN!! ORDER!! TO!! FORM!! A!! MORE!! PERFECT!! UNION!!" > and therefore shows that your ideas are racing > so fast that you need to get them all down before they are lost. I admire > this, and can relate. It's only when someone throws in an extraneous > character that I know they're just trying to be folksy and that they're not > really zipping along, just getting cute. GAH!) Why does this offend you, Cap:-)tain? > CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN CAPTAIN CAPTAIN! It's an easy word to type! The > characters are almost evenly split over the left and right hands, four here > and three there! EASY! Easier than "Straczynski", that's for *damn* sure, > but I never see anyone writing "Joe Strac'i", do you? Hell NO! I don't think he allows anyone to write for him. He does it all himself, unlike L. Ron Hubbard and that guy who draws "Garfield". > "Capt."? What am I, a kangaroo? > "Cap'n"? What am I, a character on a cereal box? > "Cappy"? What am I, a taxi driver, Rhianna? > (No, sorry, that would be "cabby". Ignore that last question.) Dear Crappy, You also forgot to point out that when you get cranky you're Crabby. > Anyway, please, if you can't be bothered to type out "Captain" then just > leave it out and type "Infinity". That's a *very* easy one; it too is > split over both hands, and it's only five different characters, EXACTLY THE > SAME NUMBER OF DIFFERENT CHARACTERS IN "CAPT." OR "CAP'N"! WHAT A DEAL! Okay, Captain In'y. > OK, Pl. & Sim. Cro'n? OK, WW'? OK, B'hawk? OK, K'bo? OK, Ev'b'dy Els'? > > G't th' m'ssge? G'd! H'ND! Go '''' y'self. -- K. Now if I had wanted to NOT waste keystrokes, I could have changed '''' to "". Won't someone hurry up and invent a quadrupoquote key? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Missing "ain" Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 04:11:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Mortis (ring@mindspring.badspambad.com) writes: > > > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > > > Capt. Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > "Capt."? What am I, a kangaroo? > > > > "Cap'n"? What am I, a character on a cereal box? > > > > > > OK, I admit, Cap'n is stupid. > > > > Hey! That's mine! > > Mine too. I think I said it first, too, so you better prepare to be > lawsuited. Folks, simmer down. It's okay for EVERYONE to call Captain Infinity stupid! -- K. Except for himself. Self-deprecating humor is OFFENSIVE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Thief nabbed returning for ass Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 12:14:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor And I thought that on Christmas the news just consisted of smiling reporteroids with big hair telling us to be sad while we watch videotapes of houses burning down. > TEL AVIV, Israel, Dec. 24 (UPI) -- A thief who made it to the West > Bank on a stolen motorcycle returned to an Israeli border village for an > ass he had left behind and stepped into a police trap. > > [...] > > A spokesman for the Amakim district police, Capt. Moshe Berkovitz, > said the thief told interrogators his accomplices had refused to > compensate him for the loss of his ass, so he went back to get it. I DEMAND TO BE CONPENSATED FOR THE LOSS OF MY ASS!!! YOU GUYS CAN KISS WHERE MY ASS USED TO BE!!! -- K. Levels of dumbness: 1.) Everything else. 2.) Stealing an ass. 3.) Stealing an ass WHILE RIDING A MOTORCYCLE. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: TNT, Late Saturday Night Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 10:06:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Brrr. Bob Hope and Elke Sommer in a sex comedy. With Phyllis Diller as the > wacky housekeeper. > > I am not making this up. Holy cow, I'm missing "Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Number!" Again! This is the movie where Bob Hope's toolshed has the rope hanging from the middle of the ceiling with a big sign which says PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS ...which would be the only Kibological moment in any of Mr. Hope's films except that he does pull it, ruining all the possible fun value. This movie was selected by the a member of the Medved family of film critics as the worst Bob Hope movie of all time. However, I have selected the Medved family as the worst film critics of all time, and unlike them, I don't make stuff up or get payola from Disney. Why can't there be some film critics who get payola from people who make GOOD movies? SOMEONE SHOULD MAKE THE WORLD'S BEST MOVIE AND THEN PAY PEOPLE TO ENJOY IT!! I WOULD SEE IT A HUNDRED TIMES!!! -- K. And I would call this movie "Bloated Dead Dog 2000"! By the way, have you ever noticed that not only does the movie industry think that you're so stupid that sequels need to be named "______ 2", but that the commercials must explain that "______ 2" IS THE SEQUEL TO THE ORIGINAL "______" because you are even dumber than the people who write movie trailers? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:59:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor i-cha@usa.net spammed: > > VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE > > UNLIMITED INFORMATION > WE UPDATE EVRY TIME > > http://206.184.139.135/~lilac2/unlimited.html Wow, "Universal Hovercraft", "Parks In Italy", and your server gave me a cookie to give to "www.pornfinder.com". This is a new meaning of the word "unlimited" with which I'm not familiar. "I'm sorry, sir, you bought UNLIMITED refills for your Pepsi. This means you're only allowed to drink half a cup of flat Mountain Dew and take a bite of a cookie made from porn." Besides, if the page really did have UNLIMITED information, then why would you need to "UPDATE EVERY TIME"? It would ALREADY have all the information that could ever exist! Just like Kurd Lasswitz's Universal Library! It would contain all possible text strings from " " up to "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" and thus would contain all possible ideas, thoughts, and mistakes. It would contain its own index. As well as every possible incorrect index. In every possible order. It would contain versions of Manly Bannister's "Conquest Of Earth" with every possible typo, including ones that made the book better. And it would contain versions of same with every possible TWO typos up through ones which contained so many typos that the book turned into "Hamlet". And it would contain every possible perversion of "Hamlet", including ones ten times longer and more overrated. It would even contain every possible Internet spam, including your own article! NOW how much would YOU pay? -- K. Also, it would contain every possible crappy Web page, including those that required the ability to view frames even though the whole page was just one frame, like your stupid BROWN page which keeps trying to redirect my browser to lots of porn sites while setting the status line at the bottom to "Document: Done" to hide it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Waaah! WebTV hurts! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:04:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@duh.seanet.com) wrote: > > So since I got my nifty WebTV for Xmas, I decided to check out Kibo's WebTV > page! But actually, I broke my WebTV so I had to use my dumb old computer > to look at it. So I went to Kibo's WebTV page and you know what? That damn > Dead Princess song is STILL PLAYING on my computer and it WILL NOT STOP. > WAAAAAAAAAAH! You're lying. A _real_ WebTV would play my madly-distorted voice shouting "HEYYYYY LOOKIT MEEEEE I'M ON YOUR WEBTEEEEEVEEEE!!!!!!!!" over and over, whereas real computers play seven muzak clips at the same time, two of which are the same and one of which is "Candle In The Wind '97", the song which killed Princess Diana. So I think you should stop pretending you have a WebTV just to fit in with the cool people with WebTVs here at the Cool Table in THE BACKWARDS UNIVERSE where Spock has a beard and Kirk has real hair. -- K. The deluxe model Kirk has real hair YOU can comb! Waah, I just knocked over my box of Russian fake Froot Loops without the froot flavoor. But it was okay because it was empty because I gave them all away because they tasted yooky. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: walmart surecener is to big Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 06:03:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In free.activism.walmart, James Barry (jkbarry@webtv.net) wrote, and I quote in full: > > Subject: walmart surecener is to big > > Ilike the old stres better. if you would like to go to waolmart whith > me write me > > JKBARRY@webtv.net Hey, I loved your book "Peter Pan", but the next time I see you in a Wal-Mart I'm callin' a Code Adam. -- K. I still haven't found out what the ONE ONE THREE ON THE ESCALATOR at Park Street was... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: WebTV going the way of AOL? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 03:10:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.online-service.webtv, Ecwfrk2@webtv.net wrote: > > From: =A0=A0 abuse@corp.webtv.net > Date: =A0=A0 Thu, Dec 24, 1998, 11:19am (CST-2) To: =A0=A0 > xxxxxx@webtv.net > Subject: =A0=A0 Inappropriate Email > > Dear Mr. xxxxxx, > > The WebTV Compliance Department has been notified of a violation of our > Terms of Service on your part. > > This violation of the Terms of Service involves embedding HTML source in > email messages YAY! TAKE THAT, LEAH VERRE! > which adverseley affects the behavior and spelling > of the recipients and their apostrophes > WebTV terminal. Sending this type of email violates section 4.3 of the > Terms of Service (which you agreed to upon registration): > "You agree not to use the WebTV Network for any commercial purpose or > in any manner that does or would have a tendency to injure or harm any > individual or which disrupts the normal use of the WebTV Network or the > Internet by other users." So, the presence of those WebTV users on the Internet popping into random places and shouting the WebTV Network or its services....to make unauthorized attempts to > access, use, change, disrupt, shut off or clog the systems, networks or > accounts of others." "use"? I hereby unauthorize any attempt to use alt.religion.kibology from a WebTV. > Since these actions may be in violation of Federal or State law, the > WebTV Legal Department has also been made aware of your behavior. > Should WebTV Networks elect to pursue legal action against you, you will > be contacted by the Legal Department in a separate correspondence. > > Sincerely, > WebTV Compliance Supervisor IN THE FUTURE PEOPLE WILL BE MADE TO COMPLY, OR BE FORCED TO USE A WEBTV! IT'S A TERRIFYING LOOK AT THE ALL-TOO-PLASIBLE FUTURE IN THIS THRILLINGLY UNREALISTIC SCI-FI TECHNO-THRILLER, "DAY OF THE WEBTV"! > [...] > > WebTV's "Compliance Department" apparently answers to nobody and has > unlimited power within the WebTV network. You know, just like Burger King's french fries are the best french fries in the whole Universe within the fries available at Burger King and McDonalds, which are down the street from real restaurants that have real food and not lousy french fries. > I guess AOL isn't the biggest loser on the block anymore..... GASP! Say it ain't so! AOL *isn't* a millions times more loserious than the $99 "it's not a computer" that connects to your flickery TV set and allows you to post to the Internet through a little remote control that makes happy beepy noises? THIS IS A SHOCK TO MY TINY BRAIN!!! -- K. I connected my WebTV to my Sony Watchman! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: who invented this machine? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 08:38:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor (This is my obligatory helpful post of the holiday season.) In sci.math, DST12345 (dst12345@aol.com) wrote: > > Small balls are dropped from the center near the top, and allowed to bounce > thru a series of rods arranged so that the ball has an equal likelihood of > falling to the left or the right. They finally drop into row of tubes or > columns each one ball wide. After a sufficient number of balls has been > dropped, they create a "histogram" following a normal distribution. What is > the machine called? A Galton board, or for fans of Bob Barker, a Plinko board. -- K. I've always said Dr. Plinko was a more important scientist than Dr. Galton. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.alien.visitors,alt.mcdonalds.crew From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Would Transistors Have Been in the Roswell Spaceship Wreckage ? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:55:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In eight newsgroups, Andrea Chen (fallinghawks@earthlink.net) wrote: > > [...] > I use Usenet. As I pointed out before using the theories of Bohm, > Sheldrake, Penrose and our Jack Sarfatti (Yay!) this communications grid > is connected to the underlying quantum computer and provides a model of > all reality. While my more exact techniques are clasified (much like > advanced positioning technology), a PROOF of what I'm saying can be had > by studying the quality and variety of aliens which appear in this group > (though for advanced work I use a cross-correlation of at least 300) has > declined over the years. We don't even get many more Nordics and > reptoids anymore much less the thousands of kinds once documented. > There is indeed a clear decline, a de-evolution. I have tried to > reverse this process by reintroducing John Winston, but alas the quality > and variety of his posts has declined. Much worse there is no > interest. How I long for the days of Dean Adams who used to spend at > least a half dozens posts every day reacting to John's visions thus > stamping them into the deeper subatomic reality from which all such > things come. Suppose your theory is true and subatomic things are smaller than atoms but BETTER and MORE IMPORTANT and generally COOLER. Would the term "subatomic" still apply? I think not, as subatomic stuff is too HEFTY to be sub-anything. FROM NOW ON WE SHOULD CALL PROTONS AND QUARKS "HEFTATOMIC"! > It is possible that we can reverse the trend. I'm currently working on > a model of the universe as a giant plutonium atom (of which Usenet is a > shadow) with a parallel dimensional plutonium atom in the middle of each > of our brains and computers. Unfortunatly known spook psyop kibo is > doing his best to repress this discovery. Some people have suggested I > call Serdar up from his dark pits to cleanse the net, but due to my well > known kindness and humanity; I hesitate. I also fear to do this > because if this last resort is resorted to, then for the next 3 years > all evil aliens will turn out to be of Armenian origin. Do you realize > what this will do to x-files, not to mention the volatile region of > Anatolia? You forgot to work $EXY PSYCHIC PLANT$/CAU$E$ OF WAR$ into this, not to mention the drawings made by your little Finnish daughter. Also, stop telling people I'm repressing you! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED to be repressed! -- K. Have A Happy Dot-Com!!! Hugs & Subatomic Kisses. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.marshmellow.peeps,alt.cereal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Recipes. Very Special ones. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 06:57:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology I just made myself a late Christmas dinner and I wanted to share the recipe with you. It was two courses -- Main course: Eggs. Break six fresh eggs into a cup and scramble the living daylights out of them. Mix in some dried onion bits and a bunch of bacon bits (the real kind, not the magenta gravel they call Bac*Os.) Heat up a pan (after greasing it with aerosol canola oil.) Cook the scrambled eggs in the usual manner. Add a packet of House brand curry sauce with vegetables. (This can be found at any Japanese grocery store, and comes in three flavors, "Mild", "Medium", and "Hot". I suggest the "Hot" as I have never attempted to try the other two because "Hot" has no spice whatsoever. By the way, this is the regular House "Curry Sauce" [with carrot and potato chunks] and not their dreaful "Vermony Curry" [with no vegetables, plus a hearty dollop of peanut butter and cheese, eww.]) Eat in front of television. Serves me. Dessert: Marshmallow Surprise. Find a box of Lucky Charms that's 3/4 empty. Say "Yuk, I don't want to have to eat these cat kibbles," and throw out all the cereal pieces. Keep the marshmallows. In your stomach. The End. Hey, can I make my own Lucky Charms marshmallows from regular marshmallows by just letting them sit in the attic for a few months? I'm worried about trying this because sugar plus gelatin equals the perfect bacterial growth medium, and also, I don't know where I could buy six-inch-wide marshmallows to shrink down to those little bricks. But I want to try it sometime. (Remember how Count Chocula used to have cylindrical marshmallows about 3/16" tall? I suspect those were full-size marshmallows before they took a trip through the magic shrinking machine called a pallet in the back of the warehouse.) However, I do know how to do the opposite and make marshmallows bigger and softer: Microwave 'em. They swell up and turn to shaving cream. -- K. Yes, "Vermont Curry" is a Japanese invention, and yes, it has cheez in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: STORY (new): SPOT'S EIGHTH FIRST CHRISTMAS (1998) part 1 of 2 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 03:14:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Just polished this off and formatted it and removed about 75% of the typos. You can also read it on my Web site, www.kibo.com. It's so long that I will have to post it in two parts. -- K. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- IF LETTERS ARE PEOPLE, ARE PUPPIES PUNCTUATION MARKS? -- or -- SPOT'S EIGHTH FIRST CHRISTMAS written Christmas Eve, 1998, by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (C) 1998 James "Kibo" Parry AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER: I didn't write the stupid songs. I found them on the Internet. And because I didn't write them, I'm not allowed to fix the incredibly obvious stupid typographical errors that some other bozo is responsible for. However, I wrote all the stupid stuff about Spot. THE ORIGINAL PARTS OF THIS STORY ARE NOT FOR EDUCATIONAL USE IN A CLASSROOM ENVIRONMENT. ALSO, IT CONTAINS THE WORD "URINE". Poor Spot! It was the night before Christmas, and Spot couldn't open his presents yet. This was became nobody had given him any. And if this was like every previous year, Christmas would be ruined by some psycho breaking into his house through the chimney, stealing all the cookies and milk Spot stored on the sofa, and barely escaping with his life as Spot chased him back up the chimney with a shotgun. Well, not this year! Spot was determined to shoot the Christmas psycho before he could eat the cookies and milk. Spot was no dope. He knew that a) Any "STOP" sign with a white border is optional; b) Sea-Monkeys keep tickling you for hours after you drink them; c) You get a disease that dissolves your eyeballs if you touch a freshwater octopus. Spot put out the fire in his fireplace to make it easier for the Christmas psycho to get in so Spot could shoot him. Spot's plan was sure to work -- he had his shotgun loaded, with a dagger at his belt for backup. And he was wearing a gas mask just in case. As a last resort, he had a nuclear bomb under his bed, but Spot would never think of using it at Christmas because he didn't know what it was. He thought it was a roll-on deodorant, and everyone knows Spot never bothered using deodorant on Christmas. Thud! Spot turned just in time to see a freshwater octopus bouncing off the outside of his window. They kept flying into it because they though the glass was really water. The octopus did a barrel roll, then an Immelmann, looped back and came at the window again -- SMASH! The octopus was now in Spot's living room, with jagged shards of glass sticking out of it like a porcupine with icky tentacles! Spot unloaded both barrels of his shotgun into it, then he realized that was a stupid thing to do and reloaded it so he could actually fire it. (Spot had trouble with basic concepts in these crisis situations. And the business with the optional "STOP" signs hadn't yet gotten him into an accident because he always crashed his car before getting out of the driveway. He would crash his car because the excitement of being in a car would make him wet himself, and crashing his car would make him wet himself again, but that's beside the point. Spot just blew up an octopus.) Tentacles went flying everywhere as Spot's hollow-point grapeshot penetrated the octopus's protective layers, entering its deadly core of liquid evil. There is no other animal which explodes as messily as the octopus, except for those six-foot amebas secretly cultivated in the Swiss Miss Pudding labs. Spot sprayed Lysol on all the octopus stains on his wallpaper (which was a pretty pattern of little canoes, and now some tentacles too) and went back to guarding his cookies with his life. Suddenly, a jolly fat man in a red suit, with a white beard, and a huge bag of loot popped down Spot's chimney! "HO! HO! GACK!" yelled the Christmas psycho as Spot shot him in the heart. "Silly puppy," said Santa as his wound magically healed, "Don't you know that I'm Santa, and you can't kill me because I'm a form of Jesus?" Santa touched his nose and for an instant he became Jesus, then the sparkles dissipated and he was back to just being a creepy fat guy with a red fur suit and Cossack boots. Spot threw his dagger, but Santa blocked it with his corncob pipe, Popeye-style. "WAAH!" cried Spot, "I CAN'T KILL SANTA!!!!" He ran and hid under the bed with his roll-on deodorant. "HO! HO! HO!" yelled Santa, lifting the bed over his head, "Silly little puppy, you have nothing to fear from me. I AM SAAAANTAAAAAA!!!" As he yelled that, lightning bolts crackled around him. Spot was skeptical. "If you're really Santa, then aren't you supposed to have a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer, plus the ninth one with the radioactive nose who only appears on TV?" Santa gestured toward the skylight and Spot saw a sleigh hitched to nine flying octopuses. One of them had a big red glowing nose, and the same eyeglasses as Groucho Marx. Santa said, "Their names are Whimsy, Flimsy, Dimsy, Winkle, Dinkle, Pinkle, Pickle, Blowsy, and Spot." "WAAH!" cried Spot. "I'M AN OCTOPUS SLAVE!" Spot had to think fast or this evil mastermind would steal his milk and cookies! And then he remembered that there was one thing that no intelligent being could stand -- -- he turned on CNN Headline News. The TV said, "And now, let's show pictures of the switchboard of an AM radio station as listeners call in to tell us that they have an opinion about Bill Clinton's impeachment!" Santa screamed and burst into flame, and began to melt away. His red suit evaporated, as did most of his fat, revealing his true form -- Mr. Spock. "Fascinating," said Spock. "You have found a use for CNN Headline News." Spot liked Spock and decided not to try to shoot him again. "Wow! Are you really Mr. Spock?" "I believe that the answer to that question should be obvious, stupid little puppy. I have been travelling to all the households of the planet Earth in a futile attempt to raise the collective IQ of Earth children by bringing them educational toys." Spock reached into his bag and pulled out a Tower of Brahma. "You can have this but only if you want to learn binary arithmetic." "WAAH!" cried Spot, "EDUCATIONAL TOYS ARE RUINING CHRISTMAS!" "Or," Spock continued, "as you are obviously a bad little puppy, a bad stupid little puppy, you will receive something which is not even an educational toy for use in the home... but is instead an educational prop for classroom use during the Bicentennial. A teacher's aid from 1976. Something so educational it can only be used by kindergarten teachers. I am referring, of course, to the Letter People." Spock winked, touched his nose, and disappeared in a could of sparkles, accompanied by a noise similar to a cloud of mosquitoes going through the "Star Trek" Transporter. Spot had no idea what the Letter People were, but he was scared. He looked around and couldn't find any Letter People in his apartment, unless they were invisible. Then he realized that all the books in his home were full of letters, which Spock could have turned into evil little people, so he threw all the books into the fireplace and burned them. Then his doorbell rang. "DING DONG," said his doorbell, "DING DONG, I AM A DOORBELL, DING DONG!" Spot pulled open the door an a small inflatable person of many colors was standing there. "Hi! I am a Letter Person, as is evidenced by the letter crudely drawn on my plastic shirt! I am for use with The Alpha One curriculum of fifteen-minute in-class videotapes with fun songs and games and activities involving gluing macaroni to things and vice versa and more songs and stuff. And we're all boys except for the vowels! Vowels are girls! VOWELLLLLS ARRRRRE GIRRRRRRLLLLLLS!!!!!!" Spot screamed and slammed the door. But the Letter Person came in anyway, through Spot's doggie door, which he had installed in case he ever grew up. (He wasn't allowed to use it yet because he was just a puppy.) The Letter Person ran over to Spot and hugged him with its little vinyl arms. "I love you, Spot! I am going to teach you all about the letter on my shirt!" "But... I'm just a stupid puppy. I am incapable of reading the letter on your shirt, therefore I won't have any clue what you're trying to teach me, therefore you should GO AWAY! NOW!" The Letter Person laughed and pointed at its inflated chest. "Why, Spot, it should be obvious to you that the letter on my shirt is --" PLEASE PICK A STUPID LETTER AND GO TO THE SECTION FOR THAT STUPID LETTER. THANK YOU. ################################### A ################################### Miss A sneezed and began to sing: Well, I'm so happy to be Miss A, And I'm so happy to come and play, Oh dear, I almost forgot to say, That when I'm happy, I sneeze all day. All day, I ' m sneezing-aaa' choo; When I get happy-aaa'choo; Or silly-slappy-aaa'choo; Give me a hanky, please, 'Cause I've got to sneeze- A ' choo! I suppose you've noticed that when I sneeze I don't sneeze sneezes like others sneeze; I blow my own kind of special breeze; I mean I sneeze in the way I please. All day, I'm sneezing-aaa' choo; When I get happy-aaa ' choo; Or silly-slappy-aaa'choo; Give me a hanky, please, 'Cause I've got to sneeze- A ' choo! All day I 'm sneezing-aaa' choo; When I get happy-aaa ' choo; Or silly-slappy - aaa'choo; All day I 'm sneezing-aaa' choo; When I get happyÑaaa' choo. ...but Spot couldn't hear her because she was sneezing so much while singing her trite little song. Then she ambled over to where he was hiding under the bed and sneezed in his face. Spot screamed. "NOOO!!! YOU SNEEZED ON ME! THAT MEANS I'M GOING TO CATCH THAT DISEASE THAT DISSOLVES MY EYEBALLS!!!" Miss A giggled. "Silly little puppy, that's only for when you touch a freshwater octopus." Then she hugged him with her eight arms. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ################################### B ################################### Mr. B sang: BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS and BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS and BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS, What BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS on me -- Mr B. Big buttons and bright buttons and brassy buttons, All BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS on meÑMr. B. A bit before breakfast, I get out of bed... To button me up, From my toes to my head. BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS and BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS and BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS, What BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS on meÑMr. B. Big buttons and bright buttons and brassy buttons, All BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS on meÑMr. B. By now I'm so bothered, I'm bursting to crack... I barely can button, In back of my back. I can't reach the BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS and BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS and BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS, What BEAUTIFUL BUTTONS on me... "Hey, Spot!" yelled Mr. B. "I'm burstin' to crack!" He undid the button on his pants fly. Spot quickly stapled Mr. B's pants shut again. "Every morning I button me up from my toes to my head! Let me show you how!" Mr. B quickly laced up Spot in an elaborate bondage web made from buttons and thongs and chromium steel D-rings. Soon Spot, too, was buttoned up from his toes to his head! "Mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmm," yelled Spot, who was suffocating from all the buttons. And worst of all, the buttons were beautiful! Spot felt ashamed and wished for some more macho buttons. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ################################### C ################################### Mr. C chased Spot around the room while singing: Well, hello friends, Do you know me? Well you can call me COTTON CANDYÑMr. C. A candy kid Who'll change your luck; For if you stick with me, You'll find you will be stuck. A candy kid Who's all for you; How you can count on me; There's nothing I wouldn't doÑfor you. I'm clever, can't you see And cunning as can be; And cool as a cucumber I am Mr. C. For you I'd cry, And go to bat; You can count on me, Like you count on an alley cat. I'm cute and sweet Don't you agree; I'm just a cloud of COTTON CANDYÑMr. C. Oh, I'm a COTTON CANDY culprit Kind of, kind ofÑ CoolÑcoolÑcoo I am cute and sweet Don't you agree? I'm just a cloud of COTTON CANDYÑMr. C. I'm just a cloud of COTTON CANDYÑMr. C. "I get the feeling that you're cotton candy," said Spot. Spot ate him. He was cucumber-flavored! Spot tried to barf him up but he was all sticky and Spot was stuck with him. For the rest of his life, Spot would have cucumber belches! And worst of all, the belches kept singing about the letter C! Spot hated educational belches. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ################################### D ################################### Mr. D sang: Do you like doughnuts? DELICIOUS DOUGHNUTS? Well, if you do, Then, you deserve some doughnuts. DELICIOUS DOUGHNUTS, Some dipped in sugar; Some dipped in jelly, Dipped by me,Ñ Mr. D. If you like doughnuts. DELICIOUS DOUGHNUTS, Don't dilly-dally, Have a dozen of my doughnuts. DELICIOUS DOUGHNUTS, They're downright dunky, And they are definitely Done by only meÑ Yes, they are deep-fried, dipped and Done by only me. And, when I deliver, My DELICIOUS DOUGHNUTS, Well, I do the doughnut dance. Don't you want to do The dance, too? Oh, what a DELICIOUS DOUGHNUT dance! If you like doughnuts, DELICIOUS DOUGHNUTS, Don't dilly-dally, Have a dozen of my doughnuts. DELICIOUS DOUGHNUTS, They're downright dunky, And, they are definitely Done by only meÑ Yes, they are deep-fried, dipped, and Done by Mr. DÑMr. DÑMr. D. Mr. D's doughnut dance was downright dopey, and Spot said so. "Oh, you only say that because you don't understand what it is to have a hole punched in you, be deep-fried, and then have a hypodermic needle fill you with pink jelly!" said Mr. D, as he did that to Spot. "Waah!" cried Spot as Mr. D assaulted him with a giant paper punch that removed the three-quarters of his body that was not near an edge. "Waah!" sizzled Spot as he was submerged in the deep-fryer for six hours, like they do at Dunkin' Donuts. "Waah!" interjected Spot as he was injected with pink jelly that tasted like a fruit with no name. Spot went stale within a tenth of a second, just like a real doughnut. Then Dunkin' Donuts tried to sell him. They put him on the shelf with all their other doughnuts, which were shaped like the letter D, except for the ones at the bottom of each bin, which were shaped like underscores. Spot sat there getting staler and staler despite the humid atmosphere which kept him soft. Eventually they had to move him to the rack for the Lime Fuzz Donuts. But still nobody bought him. After several months, they did to him what they do to all doughnuts they can't sell -- they cut him in half and sold him as two croissants. And Spot hated croissants, which meant that each half of him hated the other half. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ################################### E ################################### Miss E twirled around, fell down, and sang: I feel extremely weak, Poor little me, Miss E; Too weak to work or speak, Poor little me, Miss E. I've got to EXERCISE, EXERCISE, EXERCISE, Jiggle my toes; EÑEÑEXERCISE, Wiggle my nose. Will you help me EXERCISE, everybody ? Wiggle your nose; And jiggle your toes. I've got to EXERCISE, EXERCISE, EXERCISE, Twist my lips; EÑEÑEXERCISE, Turn my hips. Everybody, twist your lips, And turn your hips. I'm getting stronger now, I'll be a new Miss E; Now that I'm learning how, You'll see a new Miss E. I always EXERCISE, EXERCISE, EXERCISE, Reach up high; EÑEÑEXERCISE, Reach the skyÑStretch! I've got to EXERCISE, EXERCISE, EXERCISE, Jump up and down; EÑEÑEXERCISE, Spin around. Jump up and down, everybody, And spin around. I feel extremely good, Look out for me, Miss E. Strong as a person should, Here comes the real Miss E. Because I EXERCISE, EXERCISE, EXERCISE, When I'm alone, ThereÑfinished! "That last stanza isn't very good," said Spot. "Also, that business about 'twist my lips' bothers me." Miss E wiggled her ears, which made sweat spray from every pore of her flabby body. "Spot, you need to learn about me because I'm Miss E and I'm the most common letter in English, and it's impossible to say a whole sentence without an E." "No it isn't," said Spot, but Spot couldn't think of such a string of words that did not contain that symbol, although Spot did want to work "syzygy" into it to show off his vocabulary, and his foot was itching, along with his slightly-more-than-two other foots. Spot looked out the window. He saw a syzygy rapidly approaching. All the planets in the Solar System, including the Earth, were directly outside his window! This baffled Spot, as it meant he was living on the Sun, and if so, why was his apartment so drafty? Anyway, the syzygy was about to cause a massive earthquake and the Year 2000 Bug, destroying civilization forever. "HELP ME, MISS E!" wailed Spot. Miss E stretched and reached the sky, but then her arms got ripped off by the planet Jupiter as it whizzed past on its way to the syzygy. All her air came out and she collapsed in a pile of limp vinyl. Spot realized he could wear her like a suit, and put on her skin. "LOOK AT MEEEEE! I'M MISS EEEEEE!" Then the Earth blew up, but only after everyone saw Spot prancing around on the apartment's closed-circuit security camera. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! AND THE EARTH BLEW UP TOO! THE END. ################################### F ################################### Mr. F was dangerously psychotic, and he kicked Spot constantly while singing: Mr. M has a MUNCHING MOUTH; Mr. T has TALL TEETH; But I'm Mr.F - And I've got FUNNY FEET, FUNNY FEET, FUNNY FEET, FUNNY FEET, Mr. F, that is I. Feet that flip, feet that flop; flip and flop, never stop; Flapadoodle, I can fly, Well - I try. And though I've never found shoes around To keep my feet on the ground, Fiddlesticks, do I cry? Not I! Give me that free and easy beat, For the fanciest, friendliest, fidgety, free-for-all FUNNY, FUNNY FEET. Flapadoodle-do, flapadoodle-dee, Fall on your face with me - ee .... "Why would I want to fall on my face with you?" asked Spot. "FLAPADOODLE-DO, FLAPADOODLE-DEE! IF YOU'RE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME! OOMPA, LOOMPA, LOOMPA-DEE-KICK-YOUR-BUTT, I'M MR. F AND I'M KICKING YOU BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY! HAW, HAW, HAW!" Mr. F. kicked Spot around the room. Then he kicked Spot down the street. Then he kicked Spot across the Universe. He kicked Spot through Heaven and Hell, and he kicked Spot on TV and on the radio too. He even kicked Spot where he had never been kicked before -- in that little pornography store on Main Street. Spot cried. "WAAH! STOP KICKING ME! DEAR AUTHOR, I DEMAND A TRANSFER!" The author granted Spot's wish, and reached into the story, and replaced Mr. F with Mr. K. GO TO "K". ################################### G ################################### Mr. G blew a big bubble and sang into it: I'm grouchy; My gorgeous GOOEY GUM Is getting stuck all over the place. Gooey, gummy, I am Mr. G. Golly, My GOOEY GUM got stuck On the garden gate. GoodÑnow, I can go again. Goodness, Gracious, I am Mr. G. Oh, grasshoppers! My GOOEY GUM just got stuck In the green grass. GoodÑnow, I can go again. I am Mr. G. I've got GOOEY GUM all over me. ...and then his bubble popped and the whole song came out at once, which sounded something like this: mgrchyMygrgsGYGMsgttngstckllvrthplcGygmmymMrGGllyMyGYGMgtstcknthgrdngtGdnwcnggnGdnssGrcsmMrGhgrsshpprsMyGYGMjstgtstcknthgrngrssGdnwcnggnmMrGvgtGYGMllvrm "Hey!" said Spot. "You just said a bunch of stuff that didn't have an E in it!" Of course, then immediately Spot was disqualified from this story for cheating, as he was obviously reading through all the endings in order, and was therefore subject to extreme punishment. He was locked in a room with all the Letter People, as well as the Punctuation Bacteria, the Schwa Shark, and the Octothorpe Octopus. The Punctuation Bacteria alone were a severe punishment -- Spot reacted very badly to the colon bacillus. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ################################### H ################################### Mr. H entered. He had hair that looked sort of like what would have happened if Phyllis Diller had had dreadlocks made entirely from green peanut butter. I'm Mr. H Hello, hello; How do you do? And do you know, That I'm so handsome and adorable, My happy hair Is everywhere; And so much hair Makes people stare. It's HORRIBLE! I'm Mr. H, And can you see, That there's more hair, Than there is of me. Some people may say, "It's unbearable," That tangled kind, I hide behind; This HORRIBLE HAIR! It's hairable!Ñ I mean, it's terrible! - I mean, it's HORRIBLE! Oh, HORRIBLE HAIR, My HORRIBLE HAIR; Oh, how I love this Crown I wear! I'll never stop at any barbershop, To cut my glorious, HORRIBLE HAIR. So, there! I'm Mr. H Goodbye, goodbye. Next time we meet, You'll know me by, My head so handsome and adorable, My HORRIBLE HAIR Makes people stare. It's HORRIBLE! - Horrible!ÑHorrible! -- Horrible! Then Mr. H took a good look at Spot and had to revise his song to implicate that his hair was only half as horrible as Spot's. "Waah!" cried Spot, "I'm being insulted by a hairy giant H!" Spot locked himself in the bathroom and tried to trim his hair neatly, and to dye it a less unattractive shade of gross green, but cutting his hair only made it mad. When Spot came out of the bathroom dejectedly, he collided with Mr. H, and their hair locked together! The entangling was so complete that Spot and Mr H were joined together permanently, like Siamese twins. "Hey!" yelled Otto, Spot's real Siamese twin. "I didn't say you could bring a third person into this relationship!" Spot had forgotten all about Otto, as he was usually covered by Spot's armpit hair. Now he had accidentally made Otto a bitter enemy. For the rest of his life, Spot's evil Siamese twin would try to kill him! And Mr. H kept singing, too. Spot cried! And worst of all was Otto's tattoo, which said "I'M WITH STUPID." Mr. H had one which said "ME TOO." CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ################################### I ################################### Miss I threw herself into the room and belted out her torch song: I am Miss I; I am Miss I; I've come to stay all day Instead of passing by. I've got an itch, Which makes me twitch; Which makes me wiggle, Always giggle, never cry. I'm itching and I'm itching, And I'm itching and I'm itching; I'm wiggling and I'm jiggling All day long. All day I'm hopping, wiggle-hopping; I am never, never stopping; I'm Miss I; that's why I Sing my itching song. Oh, what a thrill, Oh me, oh my! I can't stand still, For I'm Miss 1. I'm itching and I'm itching, And I'm itching and I'm itching; And I'm skipping and I'm dipping All day long. All day I'm skipping and I'm going; I am always, always going; I'm Miss I; that's why I Sing my itching song. "Hey," said Spot, "Your song calls you 'Miss One' in one point. I think someone didn't bother proofreading the stuff they scanned in." Miss I smiled. "They didn't fix it because that would make it a copyright violation." As she continued scratching herself (not to mention skipping and dipping) Spot saw a horde of tiny flea-vowels hopping off her head and onto Spot's. The flea-vowels distributed themselves over his entire body according to their positions on the Kenyon Vowel Chart, and they made him itch terribly. They made him wiggle, and jiggle, and skip, and dip, and unfortunately his apartment happened to contain a naturally-occurring pit of sulfuric acid. He dipped himself in it, then he screamed and tried to wash it off by dipping himself in a pit filled with boiling water, but that hurt too, and to wash off the water he tried dipping himself in grease, but it was also boiling, and worst of all, Mr. D was also dipping himself in it. GO TO "D". ################################### J ################################### Mr. J entered. He did not sing, as his song had been inadvertently omitted from the curriculum that some plagiaristic kindergarten teacher had scanned and posted on the Internet. Now Spot would never learn anything about the letter "J", unless the Author made up his own song! Which he did. Hey! I'm Mister J! You better dot my head and curl my tail, Because I'm big fat Mister J! Only I'm not fat because I'm JUST A J! Like the way you're JUST A DOG! I'm Rappin' Mister J and I'm the boss of you! I'm JUST THAT COOL because I'm JUST THE BEST! And you're the worst! Word! "That's not a very good song," said Spot. "Oh, all right," admitted Mr. J, "Maybe the Author would get more inspiration if he actually bothered watching the videotape of Episode 37, "Meet Mr. J." So the Author popped the three-quarter-inch Big Beta tape into his 1976-era VCR and turned the knob from "STOP" to "PLAY". It was a magical adventure which was so much fun that it is hard to describe, in which a judge castigates a police officer for failing to remove Mr. J's collection of jazzy jumbled junk. They Mr. J sang the song that doesn't exist here, and they find a Jolly Joker In The Box who proves that the collection of jumbled junk is a valuable asset to Letter Land. Then it was explained, for the remaining fourteen minutes of the fifteen-minute cartoon, that Mr. J stood for "Jumbled Junk" and that Mr. J stands for the sound that starts words such as "jumbled", "junk", and maybe a couple of others. "Wow," said Spot, "I never knew junk was so important to have everywhere." Mr. J nodded. "Yes, Spot. Here, have some junk." He gave Spot a glass basketball filled with tent caterpillars, and a diaper that was perforated down the middle so you could separate it if you ever needed half a diaper. Then he pulled a lever and a hidden chute dumped a million paperback copies of "Your 1974 Aquarius Horoscope" into Spot's apartment. All had their front covers ripped off to prove that they were used books and not merely crappy books that nobody ever bought to begin with. "Waah! I don't want all this junk, even if it is our Constitutional duty to preserve Letter Land but putting junk all over!" Mr. J smiled and gave Spot a Jell-O mold shaped like a spaghetti strainer, with little bits of lime Jell-O still hanging from the holes. Then he pulled another hidden lever which blew a steam whistle which signalled a dump truck to dump a ton of opaque lava lamps into Spot's bathtub and then cover the whole assembly with a new kind of cake frosting which was made from recycled cardboard. Spot cried as his apartment was filled from floor to ceiling with junk! "Waaaaaah! I hate the fact that you're Mr. J and thus you like junk!" "No, Spot, I'm Mr. J and I like JUMBLED JUNK." He began to stir the contents of Spot's apartment together. The halves of the diaper got rancid lime Jell-O and cardboard frosting all over them. The lava lamps cracked open, spilling waxy lava all over the 1974 Aquarius horoscopes. The glass basketball was smashed and the tent caterpillars soaked up the rest of the Jell-O. Then the diapers soaked them up, and everything else, too, including Spot. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ################################### K ################################### Mr. K sang: Kicking, I'm kicking; For Mr. K's my name. Come on and kick with Mr. K; Come on and kick your cares away. Come on and kick the ball, kick the can, But never ever kick a man ! Oh kicking gives me such a kick, This kind of kicking makes me tick. Kick up a fuss, kick up the dust, With Mr. K, the kicking king; But never kick a living thing! ...and as he sang it he kicked Spot, and kicked him again, and kicked him again and again and again, and then he kicked Spot some more. "Waah! Stop kicking me! I'm a living thing!" Mr. K smiled. "Well, that problem can be solved," he said as he kicked Spot another thirty-seven times. He kicked Spot up, he kicked Spot down, he kicked Spot so hard that he bounced off the far wall and hit Mr. K's foot a second time before hitting the ground so Mr. K could kick him again. Mr. K was mean! Spot tried his best to run away from Mr. K but Mr. K was too busy kicking him to fall behind. And besides, Spot's legs were sore from being kicked, just like his body and head and tail. Then an octopus flew in the window, wearing eight combat boots, and helped Mr. K kick Spot some more. Spot cried, and Mr. K kicked the tears before they hit the ground. "Hey, Spot, here's your Christmas present," said Mr. K. He handed Spot a gift certificate redeemable for a thousand kicks. And the bottom of the certificate said, in tiny Helvetica Ultra Light letters, "MUST BE REDEEMED WITHIN FIVE MINUTES." Poor Spot! Now he'd have to redeem it or go to jail! That gave Spot an idea. He'd go to jail and then nobody would kick him! He tore up the certificate and waited five minutes while Mr. K kept kicking him. Then the police arrested him. Unfortunately, in jail he wasn't placed in solitary confinement. He was placed in foosball confinement, where mechanical soccer players kicked him constantly. The players were attached to rods which were controlled by the two meanest foosball players who ever lived, Mr. K and Mr. F. They kicked Spot silly, which didn't take long. Then they kept kicking him until it made him super-intelligent, which took a few billion years. In the meantime, Spot cried. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ################################### L ################################### Mr. L burst into Spot's apartment and handed him a gift-wrapped lollipop, which tasted like paper and tape, and sang his special little song: Lovely, lovely, What could be lovelier Than licking a lollipop, A lovely LEMON LOLLIPOP; DeliciousÑwell, you can tell, I'm Mr. L. Lucky, lucky, No one could be luckier, Than licking a lollipop, A large lunch of lollipops, A large bunchÑoh, what a smell; mmmÑmmm, smell that lemon! I'm Mr. L. Love them allÑlarge or little, left or rightÑor in the middle, DelightfulÑevery night full of dreams Of lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of lemon, lemon, Lemon pops are lovely to know I'm partial to LEMON POPS, Cause I'm made of LEMON LOLLIPOPS. When you think of a lollipop, Golly stop and see, Lovely LEMON LOLLIPOPS, Lovely LEMON LOLLIPOPS, Oh, Mr. LÑthat's me. Spot finally figured out that he was supposed to unwrap the lollipop before licking it. Unfortunately, the lollipop still tasted like wrapping paper. The back side of the wrapping paper, the toxic side. "Bleah!" said Spot as he spit out the lollipop. It fell into Spot's swimming pool and a special pool additive made a green cloud appear around it. "EWW!" yelled Spot. "MR. L BOUGHT HIS LEMON LOLLIPOPS FROM MR. P!" CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: STORY (new): SPOT'S EIGHTH FIRST CHRISTMAS (1998) part 2 of 2 Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 03:24:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Second half of this year's Christmas story, just barely jammed into my program's 32,767-character message limit. Had to remove some "#"s. I'd like to take this opportunity to warn those of you who have already started reading this overwritten, overlong, STUPUD story: STOP READING NOW! YOU DON'T HAVE TO FINISH IT! IT'S PERFECTLY SATISFYING TO READ ALL OF A VERY LONG PIECE OF FICTION EXCEPT FOR THE END! -- K. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ############## M ############## Mr. M came in and began to chew off Spot's face, as he sang: I'm Mr. M With a Munching Mouth, My mouth must munch, munch, munch; My mouth has lunch, lunch, lunch; I munch from morning to midnight, Midnight to morning, Munching Mouth. Meatballs, macaroni, mashed potatoes, I adore; Marshmallows, maple syrup, melon, milk, There's room for more. I'm Mr. M With a Munching Mouth; My mouth must munch, munch, munch; My mouth has lunch, lunch, lunch, I munch from morning to midnight, Midnight to morning, Munching Mouth. Milkshakes, marmelade, mayonaise, I adore; Muffins, mushrooms, and molasses, More and more and more and more! I'm Mr. M With a Munching Mouth; My mouth must munch, munch, munch; My mouth has lunch, lunch, lunch; I munch from morning to midnight, Midnight to morning, Munching Mouth. "Hmm," said Mr. M, "your face doesn't taste like anything that begins with M. Please coat your head in marshmallows so I can finish eating your face." Spot steadfastly refused, so Mr. M never did finish eating Spot's face. This was too bad, because after dinner Mr. M was going to give Spot a special Christmas present -- a mint-condition 1984 Trans Am, in black with the oscillating "Knight Rider" light in the front. As I said, Spot never got his present because his head wasn't coated in marshmallows. But it was the coolest present ever. YOU HAVE FOUND AN INCREDIBLY RARE HAPPY ENDING TO THE STORY. THE END. ############## N ############## Mr. N sang: I'm Mr. N with the NOISY NOSE, NOISY NOSE, NOISY NOSE. That goes"honk, honk, honk, honk." My NOISY NOSE is a nose that knows, Nose that knows, nose that knows, How to make a lot of funny different sounds. I'm a nut; Here's my nanny goat; Here's a naughty note; Here's a nice note; Lots of nice notes. I'm Mr. N whose got fancy clothes, Nifty fingers, and nummy toes, But my nose, my nose, My nobody-else-has-got-nose. NOISY NOSE, NOISY NOSE, NOISY NOSE, NOISY NOSE, NOISY NOSE, NOISY NOSE. "Augh!" screamed Spot, "It's one of those songs that gets more indented as it goes on! And it says nobody else has got noses!" His nose fell off. Well, at least Spot didn't have nummy toes. But Mr. N's toes did look kind of nummy. Spot began to chew on them. They were nummy! They tasted like bacon! And the little one went "whee, whee, whee!" all the way to Spot's tummy! Mr. N was mad. Now he had no toes! This meant that he couldn't join Mr. F and Mr. K in their favorite pastime, kicking Spot! Mr. N yelled "I hate you!" as he didn't kick Spot. Also, Spot noticed that Mr. N's nose honked, flashed, and buzzed every time someone said a word beginning with "N". "NOOOOO!" screamed Spot. "STOP MAKING 'FAMILY FEUD' NOSE NOISES! AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!" A form of intellectual torture vastly more subtle than Miss A through Mr. M had practiced, but no less evil -- Spot was quickly reduced to tears by not being kicked while Mr. N's nose buzzed. And after he was reduced to tears, the tears evaporated, and then there was nothing left of Spot. And "nothing" begins with N -- but Spot no longer began with anything because he didn't exist. Poor Spot! CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ############## O ############## Ostinate old Miss O entered and began to sing obstinately: I'm Miss OÑI'm OBSTINATE; So OBSTINATE, so OBSTINATE; Which is just the opposite Of doing what somebody wants you to do when they want you to do it. In the winter time, I swim In a frosty swimming pool; If they say, "Stay out," I'm in; I don't care if the water's cool. I'm Miss OÑI'm OBSTINATE; So OBSTINATE, so OBSTINATE; Which is just the opposite Of doing what somebody wants you to do when they want you to do it. When it's time to go to sleep, That's when I begin to play; If they say, "Stay down," I'm up; When it's night, I say, "It's day." I'm Miss OÑI'm OBSTINATE; So OBSTINATE, so OBSTINATE; Which is just the opposite Of doing what somebody wants you to do when they want you to do it. Spot was beside himself with frustration. "Waah! I don't know what 'obstinate' means!" And he never found out, either. He tried to get Miss O to buzz off, but she wouldn't leave. He asked her to shut up, but she wouldn't stop singing. He asked her to explain the word "obstinate", but obviously she was obliged to obfuscate. Spot began to think that maybe she always did the opposite of what he wanted, so he tried using reverse psychology, but that didn't work on Miss O either because nothing worked on Miss O. In fact, she smelled horrible because even baths didn't work on Miss O. He got his giant, atomic-bomb-shaped roll-on deodorant out from under the bed and tried to rub it on her, but it didn't work either. The nuclear explosion destroyed the world except for Miss O, because even nuclear annihilation doesn't work on girls who are that obstinate. "Waah!" said Spot, "I was vaporized just because I'm not a girl!" CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ############## P ############## Mr. P, fresh from a visit to Peeper's Park, sang: I've got pointy, POINTY PATCHES On my pointy patched-up pants I've got pointy, POINTY PATCHES, Plain to see. Sewn up with polka-dotted stitches, POINTY PATCHES on my britches, I'm as rich as any Letter Boy can beÑMr. P. Purple patches, yellow patches, Red and blue and green; Perfect powerful, prettiest patches You have ever seen. I'm like a pretty picture postcard, Pasted up with pretty stamps; I've a patch from every Part of this country. From Paducah down to Natchez, People praise my POINTY PATCHES, Pointing out each patch That matches patched-up meÑMr. P. (I should point out that I am not making up "Peeper's Park", it's in the actual videotape. -- the Author.) "I'M LIKE A PRETTY PICTURE POSTCARD!" shouted the Letter Boy, who went Postal and pulled out a powerful rifle. Spot dove for cover as the psychotic Mr. P shot up Spot's priceless collection of empty beer bottles and even detonated Spot's entire collection of squibs. Eventually Mr. P calmed down, when his medication (administered secretly by the government, via a beam from the satellite) kicked in. He apologized to Spot for destroying every solid object in his apartment, and also apologized for not doing it in alphabetical order, and apologized for the fact that he couldn't think of a synonym for "rifle" that began with P. Then he gave Spot his special christmas present, a visit to Peeper's Park. It was filled with tree frogs that were really annoying. But, still, this was the best Christmas gift Spot had ever received, in a relative sense. Spot hugged Mr. P, and instantly developed numerous puncture wounds from Mr. P's pointy patches. Mr. P was prickly, even porcupiney. Spot liked pork, and pine nuts, but Mr. P tasted all icky when Spot licked him experimentally. Spot made a mental note to never again do any experiments, and this kept him from winning that Nobel Prize in 2015. And besides, Spot bled to death immediately. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ############## Q ############## Mr. Q came in and sang his special song: ...this is because Mr. Q was quiet, because the letter Q has no sound. You cannot hear Mr. Q unless Miss U is standing next to him in The Starting Clue Box, due to the perverse laws of physics in Letter Land. You would know this if you saw Mr. Q's cartoon, which features Bottomsly Upsdown. Of course, then, you'd be in kindergarten, and if the teacher were following the lesson plan you'd be forced to participate in Optional Activity #3, "Who Can Be The Most Quiet?" Spot thanked his lucky stars that he'd flunked out of school before kindergarten, and so was not required to be as quiet as Mr. Q. "YEE-HAW!!!" yelled Spot, "YABBA DABBA DOO! ZOINKS! ROLL 'EM! AYYY, SIT ON IT! POTRZEBIE! NICOLE KIDMAN IS A BAD ACTRESS! I LIKE WAFFLES! I HATE WAFFLES! I DON'T HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT WAFFLES WHICH IS WHY I HAVE TO SHOUT THIS SENTENCE SO LOUD TO COUNTERACT ITS UNIMPORTANCE! THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE CANCELLED 'BATTLESTAR GALACTICA'!" Then Spot noticed that a little operation could turn Mr. Q into Miss O, and started chasing him around with scissors. Why is Spot becoming the bad guy in is segment? Because the Author is frustrated because Mr. Q doesn't have a STUPID LITTLE SONG! Spot chased Mr. Q around the room for a few minutes, and then the Author reached in through the window and crushed Spot in the palm of his hand. He wadded up Spot into a little ball and put him in a gumball machine at the local drugstore, knowing full well that nobody would ever see him again, because the Author put a sign on the machine which said "GUMBALLS $500.00." And the machine only took pennies. And they all had to be inserted within five seconds or the machine would reset. And besides there was a big neon arrow pointing to the machine which said "ONE OF THESE GUMBALLS IS A DOG." Mr. Q laughed silently, helping himself to some of the Dunkin' Donuts left behind from Mr. D's story. He liked the stupid-looking Dunkin' Dippers. Mr. Q switched on Spot's TV and watched The Game Show Network and laughed himself silently silly. Meanwhile, nothing happened to Spot. Ever again. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ############## R ############## Mr. R came in and immediately ripped all of Spot's rubber bands, because R stands for Ripping Rubber Bands. Unfortunately, his song was not recorded for posterity, and thus the Author will make up one: La la la la la I am Mister R! La la la la la la la la la Look, a big rubber band I'm gonna let a big one rip! La la la I like to use ripping rubber bands for everything I keep my money in a ripping rubber bank and when I rip my skin I use a ripping rubber bandage La la la la la la la la la la la la la The only thing I like ripping more than rubber bands is Spot Spot Spot Spot Spot Spot Spot Spot La la RIPPPP!!!!!! La. Mr. R picked up Spot by the ears and pulled them in opposite directions. However, Spot was not made of rubber, so he didn't stretch. In fact, he didn't even rip per se; his head simply shattered, and his brain fell out. "Waah," thought Spot's brain. Mr. R examined Spot's brain. It appeared to be kind of rubbery, and so would probably be good to torture. He looped a rubber band around it really tight, pulled it back, and let it snap against the tender surface of Spot's brain. Now, neurosurgeons will tell you that the brain itself contains no pain receptors, and so a brain without a skull would be unaware of even the most intense pain. Neurosurgeons are wrong about other things, too. Spot's disembodied brain was in a universe of rubber agony! "That reminds me, Spot," said Mr. R, "I almost forgot to give you this swell Christmas present. It's a propeller beanie." But Spot could no longer wear hats because his tender brain was exposed, so Mr. R just pulled the propeller off the beanie and stuck it into Spot's brain. Then he snapped a big rubber band against Spot's medulla oblongata, as a playful breeze made the propeller in Spot's brain spin pointlessly. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ############## S ############## Mr. S began to sing, in a Desi Arnaz accent: I'm Mr. S, And sometimes when I go to sleep, I'm scared, So then l sneak across my room, And find my SUPER SOCKS, And slip into my SUPER SOCKS, And suddenlyÑ I am a supersonic streak in the sky; "Mr. S to the rescue!" they cry. "Straight on SUPER SOCKS, We've got to stop that train; Save that sinking sailboat from the hurricane." I'm Mr. S, And sometimes when they're scolding me, I smile; As soon as I can sneak away, I find my SUPER SOCKS, And slip into my SUPER SOCKS, And suddenly -- I am a supersonic streak in the sky, "Mr. S to the rescue!" they cry. "Straight on SUPER SOCKS, There's been a robbery; Hold itÑstopÑsurrender; Don't you mess with me!" SUPER S-O-C-K-S.... "ÖEso si que es?" echoed Spot, who did not understand Spanish, although he could speak it perfectly. But that was beside the point, as one of Mr. S's super socks had fallen off. Spot put it on and immediately began to fly around the room! "Wow," said Spot, "Now I can fight crime in outer space! This is a simply super gift, Mr. S! Thanks a lot!" ...but then, while fifty thousand feet over Denver, Jim Henson stole Spot's super sock and sewed eyes on it. Then he made it sing an even more insipid song about the letter S. Spot cried as he learned! CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ############## T ############## Mr. T, who looked sort of like Wink Martindale, sang: TallÑmy teeth are so tall Terrifically tall, The tallest you'll see; I'm called Mr. T. (Spoken) Mr. TÑthat's me - TALL TEETH. Why, my tall teeth are so tall, That it takes my toothbrush 222 turns To take a trip From the top of the tip, To the tip of the top Of each tooth, And that's the tall truth! And talk about toothpaste, From Tuesday to Tuesday, I'll use 2,222 tubes of tasty toothpaste, For each tremendous tooth, And that's the tall truth, too! Tall Ñ my teeth are so tall, Terrifically tall, The tallest you'll see; I'm called Mr. T. "I like how you sang the word '(spoken)'," said Spot. "Thanks. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to brush my teeth again. Can I borrow two thousand, two hundred, and twenty-two tubes of tasty toothpaste?" Unfortunately, Spot was two thousand, two hundred, and twenty-two tubes of toothpaste short. All he had were Milk-Bone dog biscuits, and they were the honey-frosted sugar flavor. Mr. T could not brush his teeth! They all turned brown and huge holes developed in them both before and after they fell out. Spot looked at the pile of teeth on the floor, which were sizzling and bubbling as they turned to tooth dust. "Sorry, Mr. T." "I PITY THE FOOL WHO MAKES MT TALL TEETH FALL OUT!" yelled Mr. T, as he punched Spot's face so hard that his nose came out through his ears. Both of them. Then the rest of the A-Team showed up to help him beat up Spot, including the guy from "Battlestar Galactica". "WAAH," screamed Spot, "THAT REMINDS ME! BATTLESTAR GALACTICA IS STILL CANCELLED!" CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ############## U ############## Miss U sang her cheery song: I'm with my UMBRELLA; We go together, wherever we go. I'm under my UMBRELLA; Whether it's sunshine, or whether it's snow. You know who I am; I'm little Miss U; With my UMBRELLA, Whatever I do. UPSY-DAISY, we go every place; Little Miss U with my UMBRELLA face; Little Miss U with my UMBRELLA face. I'm with my UMBRELLA; Apart we are minus, together we're plus. I'm with my UMBRELLA; Up and away, take a good look at us. You know who I am; I'm little Miss U; With my UMBRELLA, Whatever I do. UPSY-DAISY, we go every place; Little Miss U with my UMBRELLA face; Little Miss U with my UMBRELLA face. I'm with my UMBRELLA; We are unhappy, unless we can be Just like bread and butter; That's why you see my UMBRELLA and me. You know who I am; I'm little Miss U; With my UMBRELLA, Whatever I do. UPSY-DAISY, we go every place; Little Miss U with my UMBRELLA face; Little Miss U with my UMBRELLA face. I'm with my UMBRELLA... I'm with my UMBRELLA... I'm with my UMBRELLA... "Duh," said Spot, "I can't figure out what characteristic of yours I'm supposed to be remembering." She grabbed him and ripped him apart. Apart he was a minus, but together he hadn't exactly been a plus. Spot pulled himself together and stapled his tail back on. "We can be just like bread and butter," said Miss U, who smeared cow grease on his face (and only his face) and then pushed him off a table to guarantee that he landed face down. "Upsy-daisy!" Spot did not enjoy this, so he jumped out the window. He ran and ran as fast as his stumpy little legs would carry him, which wasn't all that fast when you think about it, but it was faster than someone shaped like the letter U could possibly run. Spot escaped into a meadowy glen, then passed through into a glenny meadow. To calm himself down, he ate some grass. And some leaves. And some flowers. Miss U caught up to him. Out of breath, she apologized and explained that she was only mean to him because she had to use the stupid song as inspiration, because that was the rule. To make it up to him, she gave him a present: A diorama of the entire cast of "Star Trek" made entirely from spider webs. Unfortunately, one of the flowers Spot ate was an Upsy Daisy. Spot frew up all over "Star Trek"! CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! Also, "Battlestar Galactica" and "Star Trek" were both still cancelled. THE END. ############## V ############## Mr. V, wearing a purple vest, danced into the room: I am Mr. V With a very special vest, And my very special vest Is my very best. l am Mr. V With a very special velvet vest, And my very special velvet vest Is my very, very best. I am Mr. V With a very special VIOLET VELVET VEST, And my very special VIOLET VELVET VEST Is my very, very, very best. I am Mr. V With a great variety Of very special VIOLET VELVET VESTS; And my great variety of very special VIOLET VELVET VESTS Is my very, very, very, very best. Spot was terrified! "WAAH! YOU'RE WEARING A VIOLENT VELVET VEST! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME WITH YOUR LAVENDER VEST!" Mr. V explained that it was "violet", not "violent". "Spot, violet is a color. It's like purple and lavender but different." "Oh. What does it look like?" (Dogs are color-blind.) Mr. V pointed out the window, where a rainbow was forming out of the city's acid rain. "See the indigo stripe, Spot? Violet is like indigo only further down and harder to see." "Oh," said Spot. "What does indigo look like?" "I'm sorry, Spot, I cannot comment on indigo, as I am Mr. V, and I have a violet violet velvet velvet vest. Feel my vest, it's 100% velvet!" Spot reached out to touch his vest, and indeed it was fuzzy. It felt like felt. It velveted like velveted. "That doesn't make much sense," complained Spot. "Okay, fine, stupid puppy, you don't like me, I don't like you, you're gonna be punished by being forced to participate in two of the optional activities in my oh-so-educational curriculum: 2. Children can make and decorate their own very special vest, using a large paper bag, and cutting off the folded bottom and cutting two holes for arms to fit through. Discuss the meaning of the word "vain.'' "I think 'vain' would be anyone who is proud to wear a crappy vest that said 'Safeway' on it," said Spot. Mr. V, who wasn't vain because he had a beautiful purple felt vest, agreed. 3. Children enjoy classifying fabrics of various textures and colors. A discrimination game may be devised in which children try to identify textures of fabrics without looking at the material. (If possible, try to get a small swatch of violet velvet fabric.) Spot, being just a puppy and not an adult dog, was technically a child, so he was required to enjoy classifying fabrics of various textures and colors. Textures he had to feel included spiky, red-hot, concentrated acid, and dry ice. He was required to participate in this activity for a full hour, but he couldn't tell how long it had been because his cheap disposable plastic wristwatch seemed to be a small swatch of violet velvet fabric. So he did it for several hours, until his brain fell asleep and Spot passed out with his face against the dry ice. The freezer-burn blackened half of Spot's face and bleached the other side, ensuring that Spot would lose any other discrimination game. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ############## W ############## Mr. W had a long song, which he performed while Spot kept trying to leave the room to go to the bathroom: WÑI'm Mr. W If my name Begins to trouble you, Here's a way to help your thinking; Won't you watch me when I'm winking? WONDERFU L WINK With my right eye, that's once; WONDERFUL WINK With my left eye, that's twice. Two winks are nice; They're the double of one; Oh, I'm winking double, That's how "W" is done. (Spoken) WonderfuI Ñ Can you wink two times two? Try it Ñ Wrinkle up your right eye; Keep your left eye open, And let's see your WONDERFUL WINK. Now, try winking with your left eye. W -- I'm Mr. W If my name Begins to trouble you, Here's a way to help your thinking; Won't you watch me when I'm winking? WONDERFUL WINK With my right eye, that's once; WONDERFUL WINK With my left eye, that's twice. WONDERFUL WINK WONDERFUL WINK I'm Mr. W With a WONDERFUL WINK, WONDERFUL WINK, WONDERFUL WINK.... ...the song was made even longer because "W" is the only one-letter word which is three syllables long, while the average word is 4.5 letters and 1.2 syllables long, and thus W's syllable-to-letter ratio was eleven times as high as normal, and thus the song was sung at one-eleventh speed. The moment the song ended, Spot ran into the bathroom to keep his bladder from exploding. As he was relieving himself, Mr. W followed him into the bathroom and winked at him wonderfully. Spot was slightly homophobic, so he immediately concluded that Mr. W was gayer than Bob Odenkirk and Dave Cross combined. And besides, he had too many syllables. Spot screamed and ran away from Mr. W because he knew that he would get AIDS, herpes, and especially cooties if he touched Mr. W. "Don't be thilly, Thpot," lisped Mr. W floridly, "You can only get AIDS if you touch A, I, D, or S." So, to show that he wasn't prejudiced, Spot carefully shook Mr. W's hand. He immediately developed several diseases which started with W, such as wobbles, wiarrhea, and werpes. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. DISCLAIMER: MR. W IS NOT REALLY GAY, BUT EVEN IF HE WERE, THAT WOULD BE FINE BY ME, BECAUSE HE'S NOT REAL. ############## X ############## "WRONG!" yelled Mr. X. "I'M NOT GOING TO SING YOU A SONG BECAUSE SINGING A STUPID SONG WOULD BE WRONG!" Mr. X's name stood for "All Wrong", because there are no English words which begin with the letter "X". Thus, Spot would have to be punished for trying to learn about a useless letter. Spot was doomed to be beaten to a bloody pulp by Mr. X unless he could prove that Mr. X had a purpose in life by thinking of a word beginning with X! Mr. X chased Spot past his xylophone, and his Xerox, and his X-ray machine, and his bust of Xerxes, and his lifetime supply of Ex-Lax that he'd won as a consolation prize on "The Price Is Right". (He hadn't actually been a contestant, he just cried so much that they tried to console him with Ex-Lax.) Spot still couldn't think of a good use for the letter X. Mr. X chased Spot through the whole neighborhood, past the XXX-movie theater, past the xenon streetlights, and past the Xylon flying saucer. Eventually he caught up with Spot in front of a poster telling him to watch Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny on some stupid TV show. Spot still hadn't thought of anything beginning with X! "Now I'm gonna whomp ya," said Mr. X. Spot threw an X-Acto scalpel at the evil, xenobiological Mr. X, but it missed. Mr. X had Spot cornered in the middle of an intersection surrounded by four-way stop signs! Thinking quickly, Spot held up a crucifix at a forty-five degree angle! "YAAAAAAGH!" screamed Mr. X, as he burst into flame and was vanished to the DCXXXXXXVIth plane of Hell. And as Mr. X vanished, all words containing "X" vanished. Spot's crucifix was no more. Spot had no boxes of lox, "jumbo shrimp" was no longer an oxymoron, and the toxic explosive under his bed was now just a piece of tofu. And Spot would never have sex again. Wait, did I say "again"? My mistake. SPOT NEVER HAD SEX!!! YOU HAVE FOUND THE OTHER HAPPY ENDING TO THE STORY. THE END. ############## Y ############## Poor Spot! Mr. Y's song was missing due to the incompetence the person or persons unknown who plagiarized the entire Letter People teacher's guide and posted it to the Internet, except for the good parts, Mr. R's song and Mr. Y's song! Spot didn't give a damn about Mr. R -- after all, his segment was several pages ago -- but Spot was curious to find out if Mr. Y was also known as Miss Y because sometimes a vowel and therefore either a girl or a transvestite. Spot glowered at Mr. Y. If Mr. Y didn't sing, this section of the story would be RUINED! Mr. Y yawned expansively, and Spot immediately became so drowsy that he fell asleep while holding his glass of orange juice directly over his lap. When Spot woke up, Mr. Y was gone! Now Spot would never get to hear Mr. Y's happy little song about Mr. Y's only important attribute, the fact that he liked yawning. Spot put on his little doggie necktie and got on the #66 bus to go to work. "Hi!" said the person in the seat next to Spot. "Remember me? I'm your old pal Mr. Y!" Spot turned to look at Mr. Y just as Mr. Y yawned again. Everyone on the bus immediately fell asleep, including the driver. When Spot woke up, he was in the hospital. The anesthesiologist was just about to put the mask on Spot's face when the nurse removed her mask to reveal that she was Mr. Y. "Hey Spot! It's me again!" He (or she) yawned and Spot and the doctors fell asleep. When Spot woke up, he was in a different hospital where different doctors were preparing to remove the scalpel that had been plunged into Spot's forehead when the doctor fell asleep, and the orange stain from Spot's crotch from when Spot had fallen asleep. Spot glanced around the operating theater and none of the doctors or nurses appeared to be Mr. Y. The doctor took out a magic marker and drew a dotted line all the way across Spot's midsection for some exploratory surgery, and was making his first incision when all the spectators in the viewing gallery high above learned forwards -- -- and one of them was Mr. Y, who yawned. Hundreds of medical students fell asleep and their bodies hurtled themselves over the safety railing into the incision in Spot's naked midriff. When Spot woke up, he was full of medical students! "Waah!" cried Spot. He tried to have the medical students removed, but no ethical doctor in the world would operate on a puppy who had an orange crotch stain, a scalpel in his forehead, and a bunch of medical students in his gut. Spot's only hope was to find someone who could handle a scalpel but didn't actually have a medical license to open him up. Unfortunately, he couldn't find any medical students, as Spot's intestinal cavity contained all the medical students there were. Fortunately, however, Spot remembered in the nick of time that hospitals have huge closets full of nuclear-strength laxatives for use on uncooperative patients. Spot downed a huge brick of Ex-Lax and sat on the toilet to wait for the magic to happen. Just as Spot was starting his business, Mr. Y peeked over the top of the stall and said, "Peek-A-Boo! YAWN!!!" Spot fell asleep while going to the bathroom, and when police broke into the bathroom six hours later they found a dessicated, emptied-out husk of a dog, weighing less than an ounce, sitting on the toilet. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! THE END. ############## Z ############## Mr. Z danced around Spot's room while singing: Come see my ZIPPING ZIPPERS, I'm Mr. Z; Zipping my zip-up slippers, Coat and hat and dungarees. My hip zip flippers To float in the sea; Zipping on, zipping off; ZIPPING ZIPPERS, Mr. Z. ZIPPING ZIPPERS up; Zip ziggity zag; ZIPPING ZlPPERS down; Zag ziggity zip. ZlPPING ZlPPERS left; ZIPPING ZlPPERS right; ZIPPING ZIPPERS front and back; in and out; And everywhere in sight. I'm zipping off to see the world, To see what I can see; I'm ZIPPING ZIPPERS in Zanzibar; I zipped the Zuider Zee. Who me? Who me? Of course! I'm Mr. Z. With a zip zip ziggity; Zap zap zum; Zippo, bango; Here I come! I'm ZIPPING ZIPPERS in the town, 'Cause zipping's all I do; Zipping up sidewalks; Zipping up streets; And zebras in the zoo. Now who? Now who? Ñ Ha, ha; I didn't zip up you! Hold still; that's it; Now turn around, let's see. You've just been zipped By the zappiest zingiest Zipping Mr. Z. Come see my ZIPPING ZIPPERS, I'm Mr. Z; Zipping my zip-up slippers, Coat and hat and dungarees. My hip zip flippers To float in the sea; Zipping on, zipping off; ZlPPING ZlPPERS, Mr. Z. "What's the Zuider Zee?" asked Spot. "And what the heck is a zlpper?" "I am Mister Z," said Mr. Z, "and I am not responsible for any typographical errors in my song. Limit one song per household. Not for internal use. Void where prohibited!" "Okay," said Spot, who voided where he wasn't supposed to -- all over the back of his TV set. An electrical shock blew him across the room where he cried in a puddle of boiling tears and urine. Spot wailed, "Waah! I am unhappy at the fact that the alphabet appears to end with bathroom humor!" Then, something completely unrelated to the bathroom humor of Mr. Y and Mr. Z happened. So completely unlike bathroom humor that it resembled the middle volume of Sir Bertrand Russell's "Principia Mathematica". So lacking in offensiveness that it resembled a statue of Mister Rogers carved out of a marshmallow with a million-dollar bill in its mouth. And so creative that it cannot possibly be described here. A weird rippling sensation passed through Spot's apartment as the undescribable but beautiful and imaginative event happened. The experience immediately transformed Spot, raising his IQ eighty points, rendering him humble and wise! "Yay!" yelled Spot, "Now I no longer need to shout 'DUH!' every three minutes according to law! I will never say 'DUH!' again!" In fact, Spot was now so smart that he couldn't yell "DUH!" even if he wanted to! Then the obvious happened. The doorbell rang and Ed McMahon showed up with a cashier's check for A HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS made out to the person at this address who could shout "DUH!" the loudest. Mr. Z, being a smart letter, immediately shouted "DUH!" in Ed McMahon's face, while Spot and his big brain cried from the frustration that only a superintelligent puppy who can't say "DUH!" can know. "Waah! I hate being super-intelligent! I wish I could say 'DUH!'" said Spot, as Mr. Z stuffed million-dollar bills into his pockets and flew away in his private Space Shuttle, which was made of solid gold and filled with Cherry Pez. This was the best Christmas ever for Mr. Z! The Spot caught mange from his Furby and died. After he died, Spot wasn't allowed to go to Heaven because Spot was just a dog, and the pearly gates didn't have a doggie door. Similarly, Spot wasn't allowed to go to Hell or Purgatory, because everyone knows that Spot was too small a puppy to have a soul. Spot's immortal spirit (the generic equivalent of a soul) had to spend all of eternity in a different place. A much smaller, more annoying place. Spot's spirit was reincarnated... Inside a Furby. THE NEXT TEN MILLION CHRISTMASES WERE RUINED! THE END. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: STORY (old): Spot's Seventh First Christmas (1997) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 04:01:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A repost of last year's story, with a couple of 1997-era typos fixed. My 1997 comments said of this story, "A story which contains an unusual number of topical references. This is because 1997 just happens to suck RIGHT NOW! Also Kodak keeps screwing up my photos." I would like to add that Kodak's PhotoCD lab is still run by mentally retarded sessile lobotomized drooling sea squirts, as I just spent a month and a half waiting for them to process a roll of film, and during that time they threw away the disc they were supposed to be appending photos to, the result being that now I have to get the last few months' worth of pictures SCANNED ONTO A CD AGAIN BY THE SAME MORONS!!! This is why I bought a digital camera six months ago. But I'm STILL trying to get my last roll of 35mm film taken care of. So, I'd like to wish everyone except Kodak a Merry Christmas 1997. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- IT'S A WONDERFUL DEATH (Or, Spot's Seventh First Christmas) written on Christmas 1997 Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry Poor Spot! His life was ruined because he didn't get the Christmas gifts he'd wanted! All he'd asked Santa for was the entire contents of Forrest Ackerman's mansion. And instead all he got was a lousy gift certificate for the approximate retail value, and Spot didn't want to have to do the work of buying his own gifts. Christmas sucked! Spot jumped off a bridge. Halfway down, time stopped, suspending Spot in the clear cold Christmas air. A tiny fairy appeared in front of his nose. "Hiya, Spot!" shouted the late Chris Farley, who was really small and hovered in the air on little fly wings. "I'm your guardian angel!" He took a slip of paper out of his red beret. "It says here that you're trying to kill yourself by jumping off a bridge." Spot looked down at the icy water far below. "Well, DUH." Chris Farley shook his little finger at Spot's eyeball. "Now, Spot, it's not nice to mouth off to your guardian angel, especially a guardian angel who's here to warn you that if you commit suicide like this, you can't get into Heaven." "Waah!" cried Spot. "I wanna go to Heaven! Now!" "People--and their dogs--who kill themselves jumping off bridges don't get into Heaven. You have to kill yourself in a much more violent, painful, gory, weird way." Chris Farley disappeared with a tiny pop, and Spot was falling again! He landed in his doggie bed, bouncing twice. It was all a dream! Or... was it? Spot had been given a new leash on life, and a warning, from his guardian angel! Now he had a mission, a purpose in life: to kill himself! Spot took off his Knight Rider pajamas and put on his Fruit Of The Loom underwear and his best jelly clogs for a trip to the mall. Whenever Spot felt too happy, he always went to the mall to depress himself. It was the perfect place to commit a tragic suicide! He started at the food court. If anything at the mall could kill him, it was the food court! Unfortunately, all the cubicles with real food had closed and been replaced by imitations of Cinnabon, like Nutmegalon and Basil-Ba-Loo. The scariest thing Nutmegalon had was a bowl of rice pudding with an "@" on top made out of bright blue nutmeg, which didn't seem threatening enough. Basil-Ba-Loo had Thai food, which Spot liked, so he didn't want to eat there. He tried the next cubicle, The Clove Grove. The Clove Grove sold him a moldy orange with hundreds of cloves stuck in it, tied to a wire coat hanger. Spot ate it, only to discover that explosive diarrhea was non-lethal. "Waah!" Spot cried, "That's false advertising!" He tried Anise Orifice, where the most threatening thing they had was an old shoe made out of licorice. Spot ate it. A man who looked like Adolf Hitler but talked like Dudley Moore threw a tantrum. "You stupid dog! I'm Charlie Chaplin, and that shoe was reserved for me!" Charlie Chaplin's career was RUINED! Now he would only be able to get work playing the evil 'Poozoo' on a Sid & Marty Krofft show, where he would have to wear a green rubber bondage hood every week while being hit with cardboard cutouts of cream pies. Spot tried to soothe Chaplin's nerves. "Sorry, Charlie, I was just trying to kill myself." "Oh! I understand, old chap. I'm sorry I lost my temper. You had a genuine need to ruin my career in your quest to kill yourself. Have you tried Wasabi Hut?" Spot thanked him and ran to the largest store in the food court, Wasabi Hut. Inside, several Japanese guys wearing gas masks were using corrosion-proof paddles to stir a huge vat of toxic green horseradish. The gas masks were starting to melt, but fortunately the Japanese guys were wearing other gas masks under them. "Wow!" said Spot. "If I were to hurl myself into that vat of wasabi, it would dissolve my entire body in a really painful way, and I'd go to Heaven!" He took a step towards the vat, and a wall of wasabi vapor hit him. "Ow! Ow! My nose is burning! Waah!" He took a step backwards, leaving the invisible wasabi aroma zone. "I know! What I need to do is plug up my sinuses, so that I can't smell the wasabi!" He grabbed a handful of what he thought was green Play-Doh and packed it into his nose, but of course it was wasabi. Spot's head exploded, mentally speaking. He ran around screaming for a few hours, and when he went sane again he was at the other end of the mall. He tried sitting on Santa's lap, hoping the red dye in the suit would be carcinogenic, but it just gave him a nasty rash. Spot, too. He ate some of Santa's plastic snow but that didn't help either. It was a lot like eating at Clove Grove without the pleasant clove flavor. At Spencer Gifts, he put on a pair of the edible underwear and threw himself into a pile of windup chattering teeth, but they were too smart to eat anything from Spencer Gifts. He drank several lava lamps and stared into an ultraviolet strobe light for several minutes, but he just felt silly. He tried on some rubber Spock ears and they didn't kill him either. Trekkies just pointed and laughed WITH him instead of AT him! This was a rotten day. Spot went to Radio Shack, looking for dangerous electrical gadgets to hurt himself with. The worst he could find was an electronic die, which displayed a number from 1 to 6 when he pushed the button. It was powered by one AA battery from Radio Shack, in other words, half a normal AA battery. Spot tried to put his tongue on all 10,000 kinds of Radio Shack batteries simultaneously, and barely felt a tingle. Besides, they were out of 9,500 of them. At Victoria's Secret, Spot dressed up in a frilly lace teddy, but this just made him feel like killing himself more. He pranced out of the store sullenly. Sears wasn't much help either. Spot saw the softer side of Sears, and everything was so soft it couldn't possibly hurt him. Including the hardware. He picked up a Craftsman hammer shaped like Bob Vila and hit himself over the head with it. It shattered and shredded duck down came out. He rode the escalator in Sears, being careful to try to get his tongue stuck between the steps so he could be crushed in the basement, where that weird green light came from. Unfortunately, the extra lubrication from Spot's slobber just made the machinery run more smoothly, and Spot was whisked to the other floor without incident. For the first time in years, the two handrails moved at approximately the same speed! Spot cried. Now Spot came to Crax Camera. "Hey! I know! I could go in there and run myself through their PhotoCD machine!" Unfortunately, this involved sending him to the Kodak lab, which took two weeks, which meant three weeks, and then the Kodak lab misread the instructions which said "PLEASE RUN THIS DOG THROUGH THE PHOTOCD MACHINE" and ran some hamsters through a dishwasher instead. Spot had wasted all his money on not being put on PhotoCD! A robotic eye descended from the Christmas decorations hanging in the mall, and detected that he was broke. Security guards threw him out of the mall. Now he'd have to look for free ways to kill himself. Being broke sucked! It made Spot want to kill himself. He stuck his head in a gas oven, but it just made him all giggly. When he came down he discovered he'd gone to the dentist and had several cavities filled painlessly. Spot jumped into the piranha tank at the zoo, but they wouldn't eat him because he still smelled like wasabi. Same went for the shark tank and the tank of liquid killer bees, which looked like yellow and black striped soda pop. He stood in front of Bessie the elephant and tried to get her to step on him, but Spot was such a tiny puppy that Bessie though he was a mouse and ran away to hide under a rock. And the woodpeckers wouldn't peck Spot to death because his head looked too hard. In the town square, there was a Claes Oldenburg sculpture of a giant razor blade, and Spot tried sliding down it but it was dull, like most modern art. He rented a motorcycle and tried to recreate Evel Knievel's famous jump over the fountains at Caesar's Palace which led to Evel breaking over 200 of the over 200 bones in his body, but Spot, being a dog, didn't have that many bones, so he wasn't critically injured. They just took him to the hospital and gave him a few thousand stitches, and while he was there, he ate all the medical waste. It made him somewhat sick, and to treat him they generated even more medical waste, which he also ate, but by this time he'd developed an immunity to rusty used syringes. He had the doctors replace all his bones with blasting caps and tried the motorcycle jump again, but they were all duds, just like Kevin Costner's recent movies. That was an idea! He tried standing between Kevin Costner and a bad idea, but just wound up getting screen credit for inspiring "The Postman Goes To Waterworld". Even watching it didn't kill him, just the movie industry. And speaking of postmen... Spot dressed up like a big bullseye and danced around the Post Office shouting "ALL POSTAL WORKERS ARE WIMPS!", but it turns out they were all too psychotic to hit the broad side of a barn. He dressed up like the broad side of a barn, too, but that didn't help. (Shame he didn't try dressing up as the narrow side of a barn.) Next Spot tried to paint his whole body gold, because he'd heard that you could die if you painted your whole body gold including the little area at the base of your spine. Unfortunately, he couldn't paint that area, as his tail was covering it! He felt cheated that they didn't tell him so in that completely realistic movie in which the fat guy decapitated people with a flying hat. And the atomic wedgie from an actual nuclear reactor didn't hurt at all, because Spot was still wearing his Fruit Of The Loom underwear with the Super-Stretch Comfort Waistband. He also tried setting off a nuclear warhead in a roomful of mousetraps for double the chain reaction, but the two just cancelled each other out leaving Spot sitting in a very clean, empty room. He licked Bob Hope's face, but the old guy just got dog germs. Spot watched that Japanese cartoon that gave little kids seizures, but it merely made him turn Japanese. He tried standing in front of a speeding car, but the stupid limousine swerved and plowed into the wall of the tunnel. Six guys following the limo on motorcycles stopped to take photos of the Death Car and the Death Dog, then went to sell Beanie Babies based on them. Spot cried! Why couldn't it have been him in that luxury sedan instead of Princess Diana? Spot hoped he didn't kill any more celebrities before he killed himself. "Hiya, Spot," said the tiny Chris Farley angel again. Spot squished him with a flyswatter and continued looking for ways to kill himself. Spot never succeeded, even when Di's tombstone fell on him, and lived to be a trillion years old, and by that time, Heaven had gone broke from all the partying. When Spot arrived, he discovered that Heaven was a cardboard box with a piece of string lying on the bottom. He picked up the piece of string and amused himself quietly with it for all eternity. Also, Chris Farley was in the box with him. THE END From: "Chris McGonnell" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: STORY (new): SPOT'S EIGHTH FIRST CHRISTMAS (1998) part 2 of 2 Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 12:36:18 -0500 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V4.72.3155.0 X-Trace: 25 Dec 1998 12:25:56 -0500, 208.134.217.114 >THE NEXT TEN MILLION CHRISTMASES WERE RUINED! > >THE END. That was the bestest story ever!! Do it again! Do it again! DO IT AGAIN!!! Chris McG -- definitely high on too much candy ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: STORY (new): SPOT'S EIGHTH FIRST CHRISTMAS (1998) part 2 of 2 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 01:27:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris McGonnell (smeagol@key-net.net) wrote: > > That was the bestest story ever!! Do it again! Do it again! DO IT AGAIN!!! I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your enduring and athletic support as I announce my retirement from writing "Spot's Eighth First Christmas (1998)". I feel the time is right to move on, away from concerns of 1998, and to concentrate on the future of Spot in the distant and terrifying year of 1999... and beyond, in numerically sequential order. > Chris McG -- definitely high on too much candy I'm high on too LITTLE candy! GIVE ME SOME CANDY OR I'LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND ACT SPASTIC!!! -- K. Red Spaz Needs Cherry Pez, Badly. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.computers From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The Future Of Personal Computing: Faster, Harder, Stupider Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 05:25:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just realized that when computer processor clocks hit one gigahertz, people will think that that's nine hundred times wimpier than a 900 megahertz cellular phone so they'll have to call the computers 1000 megahertz. This will happen around a year and a half from now, during the summer of Year 2000K. -- K. Also, in England a gigahertz is equal to am American terahertz, so I'm going to move to England to make my computer seem cool. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.computers From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Future Of Personal Computing: Faster, Harder, Stupider Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:33:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.folklore.computers and alt.religion.kibology, Stuart Norris (norris@mech.eng.usyd.edu.au) wrote: > > John West McKenna (john@ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > > > Also, in England a gigahertz is equal to an American terahertz, > > > so I'm going to move to England to make my computer seem cool. > > > > I heard a guy from the BBC recently explaining why they never used the word > > 'billion'. Basically, the British billion *was* 10^12 for a long time, but > > then they changed to 10^9 (sometime in the 1960s, IIRC). The BBC avoided > > using the word because it would just confuse people. Wherease I _try_ to use the word to confuse people. It's easy to trawl people with such a simple word. IT'S ONLY A SIX-DIGIT NUMBER, GUYS! > Is there any authority that declares what a billion is? Yes. Me. A billion is now whatever amount is in my bank account, so that I am always a billionaire. Also, bank accounts with more real money than mine are declared to NOT be billions. BILLIONS ARE NONLINEAR. > After all, the UK isn't France. Y0UR R0NG !!!1 FRANCE IS PART 0F THE U K JSUT N0T PART 0F GRATE BRITEN !!!!1 > So far as I (or my dictionarys) know, a billion is still a > billion (ie: a bi-million, or a million^2. The fact that it is a French > expression, and the French have it as 10^9 is neither here nor there). But in the U.S. a milliard is equal to a British milliard times a Swedish billion timesed by infinity to the infinity power. > Perhaps it is better put that poms grew bi-lingual in their usage, with > the increasing presence of US English. Of course us folk in the > group-of-countries-formerly-known-as-the-british-empire have to understand > three versions of English: English, US English, and the local dialect. When you furriners talk about "US English", are you talking about the way people here are _supposed_ to talk, or the way the bozos here actually do talk, or like what? -- K. From now on I swear I will stop ending every sentence with "... you know?" Instead I will say "...you don't know." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: This Week's Events. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 07:09:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor 1.) Bill Clinton got impeached, and the Speaker Of The House resigned before being sworn in, and it pre-empted that lame home-video-bloopers show before "The Simpsons" but not "The Simpsons". Also tonight's episode had Bart meeting "Lost In Space"'s Dr. Smith at a lame sci-fi convention, and Dr. Smith turned out to be a pedophile, and I thought it was funny 'cause he didn't really seem like a pedophile when I met him at a lame sci-fi convention. But now I'll be careful. 2.) We bombed Iraq for three days to enforce the UN's demands. Oh, if only the UN's webmaster had listened to me! from http://www.un.org/arabic: -> -> -> ^^^^^^ I sent them polite mail about this typo that makes their pages that are supposed to be in Arabic display in some other kind of gibberish, but they didn't listen to me and so it wasn't fixed and THERE WAS A WAR! Or at least some stuff on CNN. I think it was a war, but since nobody on our side got killed it doesn't really count. Anyway, only Bill Gates, owner of the original Microsoft Window, can read the UN's Arabic message of peace, and he doesn't care because he lives in a special bomb-proof robotic house. 3.) Mouse Systems Inc. no longer denies that they manufacture optical mice for Macs, although they still don't have the three-button kind. However, I was able to order some more of the one-button optical mice for my stockpile in case the UN starts a nuclear war by bombing the White House when Bill Clinton refuses to leave. My old optical mouse hasn't worn out yet (no moving parts) but the pad has, so I need to order several pads for each mouse and then I should be all set for Mac mice for the next fifty years or so, unless all my mice explode on January 1, 2000. 4.) I think my flu is gone except there's still some mucus in my body somewhere and I won't rest until it's all gone. -- K. 5.) Also this week I made up the hip new catchphrase everyone WANTS to say, "Have a happy dot-com!"