Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Announcement! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 08:12:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor As a certifiable billionaire, it is my duty to announce that I plan to be the first person to travel all the way around Usenet in a hot-air balloon. I will start at the first newsgroup, 3dfx.d3d.drivers, and progress in a zee-ward direction through alt.* and comp.* and sci.* and so on up to zippo.general, at which point I will return to 3dfx.d3d.drivers and attempt to land. Currently my staff is working to secure permission to fly through the many moderated newsgroups, such as alt.aol-sucks.moderated, alt.binaries.celebrities.fake.moderated, and sci.physics.research. Wish me luck in not getting shot down over rec.sport.pro-wrestling.moderated! I would also like to point out that I am taking a year's supply of Pez, although this trip should be completed next week. I like having a balloon filled with Pez. Now, if you'll excuse me, Pezzelin 1 is ready for lift-off! -- K. VROOM! WHOOSH! ZOOM! (Yes, all hot-air balloons make supersonic turbine noises, at least when you're a billionaire.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Bad Idea. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 08:30:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just drained an almost-empty glue bottle into an almost-full glue bottle by putting one on top of the other upside down, like ketchup, only without that special plastic hole that Lillian Vernon sells for doing it for stupid people. I just put one bottle on top of the other. The problem is it's kind of hard to cap the bottles now that they're glued together. -- K. The good news is that I don't need any glue anyway! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 03:35:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, so I finally had a chance to finish formatting and illustrating 343 hurriedly-slapped-together pages of the best articles from the first third alt.religion.kibology. (The year was big enough that I had to break it into thirds to make it easily manipulable -- the year may wind up totalling 1,000 pages.) You may recall that the 1996 book included a couple dozen photos of Desi Arnaz Jr. with his mouth wide open, and a promise that 1997 would bring more of them. And boy, did it ever! You can see Desi Jr.'s mouth open at all ages from pre-teen hearthtrob to the present day (appearing in the Sci-Fi Channel's tribute to the genius that was "Automan".) The book also features numerous other exciting action pics, plus a lot of inaction pics, such as the page of kinky frog photos and three pages of mannequins in compromising positions. And, of course, there's text. Every article I posted to alt.religion.kibology from January 1997 to April 1997 is in there, plus a few worthwhile articles by people who aren't me. (The majority of you people have been discarded because NOBODY would want to read a 20,000-page book. I'm sorry, it's not my fault that I like myself better than you.) Go to www.kibo.com and look under "Download Big Files", and I should point out that 1997 Volume 1 (ark1997a.pdf) is a big file. It's about fourteen megabytes. As always, Adobe Acrobat Reader version 3 (or later) is required to read it. (Get it at www.adobe.com) You can look at the pretty color pictures on your very own computer screen, or you can print it out on your laser printer and read all 343 pages of text without making your eyes bleed. (But unless you have a color printer, you'll have to do BOTH to get the full experience! You NEED to read this twice 'cause I'm EVIL!) If you already have Acrobat Reader installed (you nerd) and don't want to look at my Web site (you DOUBLE NERD), you can just FTP the book directly from its place of archival: ftp://ftp.std.com/pub2/alt.religion.kibology/ark1997a.pdf And remember, Kibo's official Web site has it all: http://www.kibo.com The 1997B volume is under construction right now! -- K. If you think a 14-megabyte PDF is excessive, I should point out that the PostScript file that was "distilled" into it was 145 megabytes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Brain Failure. Clear the area immediately. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 07:11:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Remember when Jaffo posted proof that Jaffo was ST00PID because he forgot to rinse the shampoo out of his hair? Well, today I was making some microwave popcorn during a commercial in Mystery Science Theater 3000 ("Hobgoblins"). It turned out kind of stale, but that's beside the point. When I put the stupid bag of Orville Redenbacher's "Redenbudders" artificially flavored color-enhanced yellow-like popcorn into the microwave, I punched in "5:00" (I didn't type the colon, just 5-0-0) and hit "Start". Nothing happened and I wondered why. Then I noticed the door was wide open. I AM THE REASON THERE IS A SAFETY INTERLOCK EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK IN THE HOUSE OF TOMORROW! (Bill Gates has a safety interlock on his bed.) I should like to point out, as I have done before, that if I had wanted six or seven minutes I would have punched in "5:55" or "6:66" respectively. However, for five or eight minutes I will not do "4:44" or "7:77" -- the finger motion those save is offset by the fact that the food will overcook or undercook up to sixteen seconds instead of six. Thus, I have demonstrated that the amount of energy it takes to move a human finger half an inch can cook food for between six and sixteen seconds. QED. -- K. Also, Orville Redenbacher is having an affair with Mrs. Butterworth. A very messy, not to mention sticky, affair. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Brain Failure. Clear the area immediately. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 10:24:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jaffo (jaffo@jaffo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Remember when Jaffo posted proof that Jaffo was ST00PID because he forgot > > to rinse the shampoo out of his hair? > > I'm ready for 1999 now. I have proof that Kibo actually read one of > my posts. Wrong! In a court of law, all you can prove is that I know that you said you were ST00PID in all caps except for the O's which were in binary! I might have just gleaned the content of that message by assumption after I saw the "Subject:" header ("Proof that Jaffo is ST00PID") and said "Hey, my killfile's not working right. And I knew he was ST00PID in all caps with zeros for ohs. I will assume he doesn't know how to operate shampoo." > I've waited the entire year for this. > > Well, okay, actually I've waited the entire year for Shania Twain to > get naked for a prominent men's magazine. > > But that thing about Kibo was on my mind, too. > > At least I'm not in his killfile. Or at least I WASN'T, six months > ago when I wrote that. The fastest way to get into a mean person's killfile is to loudly point out that you're not in their killfile. > But wait. Maybe I've sucked a lot worse since then and I'm in his > killfile NOW, so I would be getting all happy for nothing. Did anyone hear a noise in here? Like a microscopic invisible silent insectoid paramecium flying around. > Whew. Glad I caught that in time. I almost gained a little > SELF-ESTEEM there. Don't worry, if that happens I'll just repost your first ten Usenet articles. Then you'll get your followups from me! But only to stuff you said years ago, which will make me older and smarter than you! -- K. Go watch TV. I think they're almost up to the "PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS" scene. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.toys.virtual-pets,alt.religion.kibology,alt.toys.my-little-pony From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dire Warning: Furby, Your Fun Pal Of DEATH!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 07:17:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I have horrible, urgent news for everyone. I was recently checking all my home appliances for compatibility with the "Year 2000 Bug" by setting the clocks on my TV, VCR, microwave oven, etc. ahead to the distant future, the year 2000. None of my appliances blew up or melted down, but -- because my Furby's infrared sensor was pointed at my VCR's remote control port, when I set my VCR to the year 2000, my Furby did something very frightening! It spun around, said a dirty word, and then made a very high-pitched noise which was at the approximate resonant frequency of the human head (0.440 kilocycles per second.) Fortunately I was protected because I was wearing my Walkman at the time! If I had been just an ordinary schmo, that high-pitched signal would have made my head explode! Heaven only knows why! Taking apart the Furby proved my theory: The Furby is filled with extra gears which are not connected to anything! These are for activating its secret powers in the Year 2000! If you do not have a Furby, do not buy one, let the other bozos buy them all. If you do have a Furby, protect yourself by keeping it in a soundproof isolation booth. And, whether or not you already own one of the little monsters, always wear a Walkman at all times in case you are near a Furby when one activates in the terribly near future year 2000. IF YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME AND FURBY MAKES YOUR HEAD EXPLODE DON'T COME CRYING TO ME. Other than that, I love Furby! -- K. Bye, and have a "happy dot-com"! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dire Warning: Furby, Your Fun Pal Of DEATH!!!! Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 22:02:05 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Leah Verre (fleabite@duh.seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Bye, and have a "happy dot-com"! > > Kibo, if you keep using that sig line, I'm going to kick you in the butt > dot-com. I am going to keep using it forever and ever, and the only thing that could ever convince me to stop saying this wonderful phrase would be if everyone else in the world adopted it so that it became less hip. -- K. HAVE A HAPPY DOT !!!! AND A MERRY COM !!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: dot-eye-cue Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:26:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor You know, what with the U.S. just blowing up a bunch of their military installations again, you'd think Saddam Hussein would have something better to complain about than "We don't have Internet access because of the U.N. economic sanctions." Just think -- if Iraq gets on the Internet, we're going to start seeing posts from Iraqi newsbies using cheap imitation WebTVs. The ironic part of this is that all their E-mail addresses would end with ".webtv.IQ" and everyone would think they were really brainy. (By the way, last I saw, the .IQ domain's nameserver was in Texas.) So I say to prevent this from happening, (1) We must bomb Iraq some more, and (2) We must blow up WebTV! -- K. I'm still jealous of the guy who thought of claiming www.aq. (.AQ is Antarctica.) "The Weinermobile is a vehicle with a large imitation hot dog on top." -- CNN Headline News just now ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dumb Dreams of Doggy Doody Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 05:23:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Anywho, I had a dream that my dog's pee-pee sheet was on the floor at work > because my dog lived there. I think this suggests a new motto for alt.religion.kibology: Alt.Religion.Kibology -- The Internet's Pee-Pee Sheet "Hey! Put some alt.religion.kibology articles on the floor before you let your ferret out of its cage!" Rabbits make little doot dots but ferrets make big doot doodles. If you were to sort all the animals in the world by doot size, where is the crossover point between dainty dotty doots and disgusting doodle doots? Also, isn't there something about a woodchuck upchucking? Please help me because my homework is due before the field trip to the pet store located in the McDonalds at the mall. -- K. Also, why didn't Shaggy name him Scooty Dooty Doo? I mean, A. A. Milne got away with "Pooh Bear". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Hooray! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1998 11:45:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The International Astronomical Union is debating whether to downgrade Pluto from a planet to "a minor planet"! At last, the scientists of the world have realized that Pluto isn't as important as Vulcan! -- K. Not to mention Krypton, Planet X, and the terrifying Planet Of The Apes! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Hooray! Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 00:36:37 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The International Astronomical Union is debating whether to downgrade > > Pluto from a planet to "a minor planet"! > > Actually, they are debating whether to include it in with the minor > planets AS WELL AS continuing to include it with the planets. WAAH! YOU JUST RUINED THE SOLAR SYSTEM FOREVER!!! ASTRONOMY IS NO LONGER COOL!!! > Minor Planet "magic" number 10,000 is coming up soon, and they would like it > to be "special". Tune in next week to see the Enterprise visit a Very Special Planet. KIRK: "Oh... my... God! Spock is... trapped in a refrigerator! And he's... SMOKING!" > Microsoft's release of Windows 2000 has been delayed until the second > quarter of 1901. Oh, big deal. Like anyone even installed Windows 96 through 99. I think it would be really nifty if they released an operating system in 2001 that wasn't Year 2000-ready. They wouldn't need to fix it, they would just include a big yellow sticker which says "TOO LATE!" -- K. HAVE A HAPPY YEAR 2000 DOT COM!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.cereal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:25:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A TV commercial comes on during the morning cartoons. It shows a bowl of sugar-coated cardboard flakes and asks, "HOW DO THEY CRAM ALL THAT GRAHAM?" and then there's a power failure and the TV explodes in the darkness. (pause) A BOZO will say, "Yeah, how DO they cram all that graham?" A NORMAL will say, "WHY do they cram all that graham?" A KIBOLOGIST will say, "WHERE do they cram all that graham, and where are the incriminating photographs?" If you are not a Bozo, Normal, or Kibologist, then you need to watch more cartoons every morning until you become at least one of the three. Also, graham crackers were invented to inhibit masturbation in boys. I am not making this up. (And when I was in Sunday school snacktime was ALWAYS Kool-Aid and graham crackers. Did Sid & Marty Krofft also design the Kool-Aid pitcher to inhibit normal sexuality? I suspect that they did, because, hey, "The Bugaloos".) -- K. Why does the new "Fantasy Island" have wacky music playing during all the serious scenes? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 06:54:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, graham crackers were invented to inhibit masturbation in boys. > > I am not making this up. > > I remember a cereal called "S.W. Graham" and the box sang praises of > how graham crackers were the most wholesome food in the universe. > All this time I just figured other food was just more risque. Yes, especially the cereal with holes in it. And those new Trix with the little banana shapes. NEVER MIX THEM WITH CHEERIOS!!! > In academics, you cite sources. In Usenet, it works differently. > Kibo just says "I am not making this up". This proves that he is > not the same person as Archimedes Plutonium because he admits to > making everything up. I admit to making up everything except Archimedes Plutonium and the stuff about cereals that don't make you masturbate the way regular cereals do. > I'd like to hear more about how the inventors figured that a new > type of yummy cracker could curb wanking. Then you would probably enjoy the fact-based, enema-oriented movie "The Road To Wellville", in which Matthew Broderick gets 573 different enemas from Dr. Kellogg. Alas, the movie doesn't go into detail about the feud between the Kellogg brothers over who had the right to make corn flakes, although I do recall that it does show C. W. Post dropping in on Dr. Kellogg's sanitarium to rip off the recipe for granola. Then, if you've enjoyed that movie, you should enjoy other fine movies by Alan Parker, such as "Bugsy Malone", in while Scott Baio sings and dances while spraying whipped cream at other kids dressed like gangsters riding Flintstone cars while the whipped cream hardens into cement and Scott Baio sounds like Paul Williams, and not the good one who hung around with Philip K. Dick but the one who was on "Babylon 5". Finally, these Alan Parker movies should demonstrate conclusively that there are things which can prevent orgasm for up to three weeks after exposure, especially if you see them on a big screen. -- K. I was going to say something about pens that write on butter but this post is Freudian enough. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 07:04:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor All right, here's another way to spot a Kibologist with the help of your faithful friend, television. A commercial comes on for the Fisher Space Pen and the announcer explains that it writes on butter, underwater, and in outer space. A BOZO would say, "Wow! I want one!" A NORMAL would say, "Why would anyone write on their butter?" A KIBOLOGIST would buy one then hop aboard a Space Shuttle, fill it with water, and start writing on a stick of butter underwater in outerspace. THERE ARE NO OTHER CHOICES. IF YOU SAID, "Change the channel, Mom!" YOU WILL BE FIRST AGAINST THE WALL WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES, AND WE HAVE MACHINE GUNS THAT CAN WRITE OUR NAMES IN BUTTER!!! -- K. SQUIBSQUIBSQUIBSQUIBSQUIBSQUIB!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: I LOVE YOU ALL! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:08:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'd just like to remind everyone on alt.religion.kibology that while I may sometimes appear outwardly bitter and mean and cruel and generally evil, I really do love all of you. Even the guy who lives with his parents and the guy who's really old and that gal who uses a WebTV and that guy who refuses to explain any of my science-fiction TV jokes now that he has a PhD and no longer has to do any science work. Collectively, I love those of you who are newbies, I love those of you who are old farts, I love those of you who are both, I love those of you who are neither. I love the crazy people too. I love that guy who wants to blow up the Moon to cure AIDS, and that guy who wants to soft-land the Moon to prove that he loves coconut, and that woman who is obsessed with blotches and ninkers, and even that guy who keeps saying things about the Little Brown Dwarf that nobody can understand, even in outer space. I love the people who decided that there should be 45 minutes of commercials in every 90-minute "Star Trek" rerun on the Sci-Fi channel, and I love the people who created NBC's "seaQuest DSV", and I love the people who cancelled NBC's "seaQuest DSV", and I even love the idiots who love NBC's "seaQuest DSV". I love "Small Wonder", I love "Space: 1999", I love "Battlestar: Galactica", and I love "Galactica: 1980" and "Battlestar Galactica: The Movie" most of all. I love Hair Like Vegetable Soup, I love durians, I love asafetida, I love Mentos, Orbitz, Zima, and Pez, and I love the rich buttery taste of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter all by itself. Now let's all hug so I can spray all of you with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter at the same time. -- K. And Magic Shell. You people look like you could use some Magic Shell. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I LOVE YOU ALL! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 07:00:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'd just like to remind everyone on alt.religion.kibology that while > > I may sometimes appear outwardly bitter and mean and cruel and generally > > evil, I really do love all of you. > > I'll bet he'll never admit to loving Desi Arnaz Jr., though. Okay, if I have to choose between loving everyone and hating everyone, the existence of Desi Arnaz Jr. forces me to HATE YOU ALL. It's Little Ricky's fault I DON'T LIKE YOU ANY MORE! Though I do still like fried okra. -- K. Anagrams prove that KARO syrup is OKRA slime! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 6 deaths and responsibilities of our city public library personnel. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 10:46:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > BPL's security book inspection and information department's: > 1. special library assistant5 Paul Rossetti, > 2. special library assistant1 Douglas Caraganis, > 3. special library assistant1 James Gill and > > 4. city public library departmental desk personnel > 5. BPL president Bernie Margolis, > 6. program development analyst Dana Rizzotti and > 7. Hall's Security Analyst uniformed city public library guards Wait, that's seven people! MY GOD! DON KILLED ANOTHER PERSON WHILE MAKING THIS POST! He's rubbed out seven Boston Public Library bigwigs so far... won't someone please stop him before he kills the rest of them? DON, PLEASE DON'T BLOW UP THE BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY! THERE WOULD BE READER'S DIGEST CONDENSED BOOKS ALL OVER TOWN! -- K. Also it wouldn't have much effect given that all the books are mis-shelved anyway. Mostly by Don. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A further explanation Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:36:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Syadoz" (meanmeso@roanoke.infi.net) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin) writes: > > > > > > "Jabberjaw": Everything is underwater and in the future because it's the > > > future Underwater United States of Underwater America in Underwater 2076 > > > A.D. so naturally there's a talking hark who says Rodney Dangerfield's tag > > > line in a Curly the Stooge voice. > > > > > > Wait, let me read that again. I'm sure it followed the schema. > > > > IWPTA [I wackyparsed that as] "sh'ma". So instead there's a big stupid > > shark speaking Hebrew underwater in the future in a Curly the Stooge voice, Wait... one of the Stooges was Jewish? Also, do you just call him Curly THE Stooge to keep me from getting confused with Curly The French Fries, from Taco The Bell and The Burger King? I WILL NOT MENTION PIZZA THE HUT BECAUSE I WILL NOT STOOP TO STEALING LAME MATERIAL FROM MEL BROOKS'S "SPACEBALLS", ESPECIALLY ALL THE SCENES WITH JANE BADLER, OR ANY OF THE STUFF WITH JERRY SEINFELD'S DAD AS THE ROBOT. > > with special guest star Bela Lugosi as future underwater Dracula wearing a > > star of David medallion, so when someone holds up a cross to him he says > > "Oy, have YOU got the wrong vampire". > > I usually dislike the vampire genre, but I really enjoy this vampire cartoon > you are describing, "Forever Knight Ridder". I get a kick out of that Welsh > Israeli vampire queen, Bala Cynwydd Lugosi, voiced by Tony Curtis. Melanie > Griffith is the one who bites him first. I like how the vampire wants to > become human, to get away from Melanie Griffith and her posse, so he decides > to become a cop. > > Armenio Banderas does the voice of Cynwydd's crime fighting partner, Xander. > So sad, when he died last week of a heart attack. > > I wonder who they will get as a replacement. The rumor is that the new cop > will be called Buffy, and they are considering either Peter Scolari or Anissa > Jones for the voiceover. > > Tom Cruise does the voice of Cynwydd's boss, Officer Krupke. > > I also really like how Bala rides around in a talking squad car. The car is > really his deceased lover, Kip. Remember when they introduced Tom Hanks' > voicover in that episode, "My Lover the Car"? > > Also Bala has some of the nicest hair. I wonder if it is real or if he > borrowed it from Shatner. > > Also, I really like it when they are fighting crime, and those twin clown cars > come out. > > This is such a cute cartoon You forgot that when the talking car turns into the two clown cars, it can only do it when the two clown cars are nowhere near each other. Also there has to be this fake fake Wesley Crusher guy named "SeaQuest" because he wears a little vial around his neck containing Roy Scheider's ashes. > > Also, I finally saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. For the first > > time. Ever. This weekend. Did you see the director's cut, or the tee-vee one where they took out all the scenes where the Oompa-Loompas get naked? I remember when I was a kid that that movie made me cry and cry and that was just the typography. -- K. YAAAAAGH! FLEXITRONING ART NOVEAU LETTERS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.mcdonalds.crew,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A REAL OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 03:26:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.dev.null In alt.mcdonalds.crew, "Mrs Babymash (snr)" (Mrs_Babymash@hotmail.com) wrote: > > A REAL Outback Steakhouse serves nothing but steak. > > No 'mince patties on a sesame-seed bun'... Every time I read this, it says "mice patties on a sesame-seed bun". I can see the TV commercial now: "Mmm! It's made with REAL MICE!" "Restaurants for cats. Because cats know what they want, and you don't!" > no hocks, hearts, livers or any other part of the innards > no matter how it's prepared. If your cow's hocks are in its innards that's one inside-out cow. > No 'chops' (bony cuts of grilled sheep, pork or otherwise) as these > are the staple at home and "I'm not going to pay money to some bastard > to have something I eat at home every night of the week!" > > No "snags" (sausages, either thin or thick; made from sheep or > otherwise) as these are another staple at home and "I'm not going to > pay some bastard...etc...!" > > No salad. "What the fuck do you want me to do with that stuff? What do > I look like? A fucking rabbit?" So I take it you've never had the delightful raw beef salad I once had at that Thai restaurant? The ingredients were something like this: * One pound raw beef, slightly warmed * One pound toxic purple onions that make people across town cry * A dash of hot sauce * Chemical-resistant polyethylene plate > No vegetables except for "spuds" (potatoes) and (green) peas, which > should be broiled in hot water until they're nolonger recognizable as > peas. Don't worry about the taste...you shouldn't be expected to eat > them anyway. Um, hate to tell you this, but potatoes aren't vegetables, unless you're only eating the leaves. Which I suggest you do. Also get some of those "beef leaves" I got at the Japanese grocery store, I know you'd love to chow down several pounds of those right now. > No pasta, rice or other grain besides bread, which should be half > stale and thickly buttered. If served anything but bread, complain > "How the fuck do you expect me to mop the gravy off my plate with that > fucking wog stuff?" All right, I'm going to terminate your allegedly humourous post here. You're demonstrating that all Australians are STEREOTYPICAL, you COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL RACIST! (How do you people type these posts with your giant eyeglasses and the little mustaches and the limp wrists and big butts and hairy ears and big noses and square heads and dusty wallets and high-water pants?) -- K. Also, you're named after a computer program (BabySmash) which is like a WebTV only without any networking. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Access worship furniture Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 06:03:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "D&D" (ddhawaii@lava.net) spammed: > > Subject: Access worship furniture Spam bozo stupid. > Thank you for accepting our posting. I'm sorry, but your posting has been rejected by the guy who runs the Internet. There will be a $20 fee for this rejection, payable in person in the form of live bees carried in your mouth. > D&D Industries has recently launched a 100 page fully illustrated website. > We invite you to view our selection of furniture for all denominations. > Click on www.ddfurniture.com to visit us. When you arrive at our home page > click on the products link. Your catalog of office furniture and church pews isn't half as funny as Nick Bensema's rants about how cool inflatable chairs with South Park characters on them are or any of those pages showing photos of indestructible, non-flammable vinyl love seats for prisons. PRISON FURNITURE IS MORE FUN THAN YOU, EVEN WHEN YOU'RE SITTING ON IT! > Happy hunting. > > Kind Regards, > > Customer Service Department > D&D Industries Love, Inmate #89658906590-86589J -- K. P.S. I would NEVER buy any church pews from a company named after Dungeons & Dragons. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.torture,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Alka Seltzer Tablets w/enema Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 09:04:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.torture, "kitty cat" (kittycat35@webtv.net) wrote: > > Anyone ever done this? What, put an entire message in the "Subject:" header? Oh, you mean, has anyone ever had an Alka Seltzer enema? I think that Dr. Alexander Abian would qualify, as the yellow ("raspberry") flavor of Orbitz is basically stale Alka-Seltzer. I should point out that at the time (Feburary 12, 1997) it was described in the science newsgroups as "a near-fatal Orbitz enema" so I recommend that you not try to replicate this experiment -- there's a risk that you could end up dead, or worse, like Dr. Abian. See these two articles from a year and three-quarters ago for full details. ///////// re-run zone /// re-run zone /// re-run zone /// re-run zone ///////// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: JETLAG IS A NEUROLOGICAL EFFECT NOT CAUSED BY TIME ZONES Newsgroups: sci.physics, sci.astro, sci.math, alt.religion.kibology Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 12 Feb 1997 11:51:48 GMT In sci.physics, sci.astro, and sci.math, Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > Abian declares: > > [...] > Jet lag occurs because, when traveling at high speeds at high altitude, > the brain EXPERIENCES MORE TIME than it would had it been stationary > at sea-level for the same length of earth-clock-time. THIS is why we > feel tired after flying. We have actually been awake for longer than we > think. Banish the earth-clock on long travels, and the body will reject > the fraud of "jet lag". Better yet, take the clock on the plane with you, and throw it out the window, so that you can see time fly! (confetti falls and dancing girls parade across the stage as John Williams conducts 78 trombones playing the Womp Womp Overture. Kibo bows, gracefully exposing his genius to all. There is a five-minute pause before Abian gets the funny funny pun, as he is suffering from a phrenological condition which causes joke lag.) > Alexander Abian: Equivalence of Mass and Time (1990) > Albert Einstein: Equivalence of Mass and Energy (1905) > THERE WAS NO BIG BANG. THERE WAS A BIG SUCK INTO THE VOID OF SPACE (1995) I hear Harlan Ellison once met Alexander Abian, and Dr. Abian said "What would you say to a Big Suck?" and Harlan said, "Hello, big suck!" > WE MUST JOLT THE PLANET EARTH INTO A NEW ORBIT. IF JOLTING OF THE > PLANET EARTH REQUIRES THE BLOWING UP THE MOON OR BLASTING THE > MOON INTO PIECES OR AT LEAST JOLTING THE MOON IN ORDER TO JOLT THE > PLANET EARTH - SO BE IT (1990). WE MUST DESTROY THE EARTH TO MOVE THE MOON TO PREVENT COOTIES ON EARTH. OR ELSE AT LEAST BRING BACK NBC'S "SUPERTRAIN". > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > ABIAN MASS-TIME EQUIVALENCE FORMULA m = Mo(1-exp(T/(kT-Mo))) Abian units. > ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT AND TILT - STOP GLOBAL DISASTERS AND EPIDEMICS > ALTER THE SOLAR SYSTEM. REORBIT VENUS INTO A NEAR EARTH-LIKE ORBIT > TO CREATE A BORN AGAIN EARTH (1990) GIVE ABIAN A NEAR-FATAL ORBITZ ENEMA TO CREATE A POLKA-DOTTED TICKLE ME ELMO -- K. Now it's *your* job to explain my phlezofiglic theorem to Dr. Abian. From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: JETLAG IS A NEUROLOGICAL EFFECT NOT CAUSED BY TIME ZONES Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 05:57:36 GMT Doctorb Science wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > > > > > WE MUST JOLT THE PLANET EARTH INTO A NEW ORBIT. IF JOLTING OF THE > > > PLANET EARTH REQUIRES THE BLOWING UP THE MOON OR BLASTING THE > > > MOON INTO PIECES OR AT LEAST JOLTING THE MOON IN ORDER TO JOLT THE > > > PLANET EARTH - SO BE IT (1990). > > > > WE MUST DESTROY THE EARTH TO MOVE THE MOON TO PREVENT COOTIES ON EARTH. > > OR ELSE AT LEAST BRING BACK NBC'S "SUPERTRAIN". > > WE MUST USE HIGH-ENERGY LASERS TO CARVE THE NAME "ABIAN" INTO THE MOON > BEFORE BLOWING UP THE SEKRIT MOON NUCLEAR ROCKET BASE AND SMASHING THE MOON > INTO THE EARTH TO TURN THE PACIFIC OCEAN INTO JOLT COLA. SO LET IT BE > WRITTEN, SO LET IT BE DONE (1999). We must also install gigantic dams and locks to keep the Jolt Cola ocean from mixing with the O.K. Soda ocean and the Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda ocean. Also we must change the combination on Loch Ness. > > GIVE ABIAN A NEAR-FATAL ORBITZ ENEMA TO CREATE A POLKA-DOTTED TICKLE ME ELMO > > Can't touch this. Word! > > -- K. > > Now it's *your* job to explain my > > phlezofiglic theorem to Dr. Abian. > > Well, maybe if we gave Abian a near-fatal orbitz enema and then his body > heat differential made him into a kind of opaque lava lamp, then that would > be worth the effort. Nobody would beable to see it, and therefore every > individual lump of orbitz would SIMULTANEOUSLY BE GOING UP AND DOWN, AT THE > SAME TIME!!!!!11!!! AS I AM DOING, NOW!!1!!!! " " Quantum Cola Presents: SCHRODINGER'S ORBITZ. Drink it down, it's coming right up! It's got dots that float and umlauts that hover! Comes in five fruity flavors: PaLE BoYSeNBErrY BLu3 RAzBErrY D0T BaNaNa PLaZmA TIM3-WaRP TICKLe-mE ELB0W MaCARoNIUM NEuTR0N0UGaT and D0UBL3 aBIaN LuNaR BLAsT " " Increase your energy state, drink Schrodinger's Orbitz before it drinks you! -- K. There's also a flavor of crunchy new KibOs(TM) named for Dr. Abian: SUPER FLAKY ABIAN 'N NUTS ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:36:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, Old El Paso now has an "Extra Mild" salsa. The color coding breaks > > down thusly: > > > > "HOT" red some jalape–os > > "MEDIUM" yellow almost no jalape–os > > "MILD" green no jalape–os > > "EXTRA MILD" blue no tomatoes I just remembered that this (I think) is the brand that has the little jalape–o-shaped thermometer on the back to graphically demonstrate that there is no hot pepper in the "MILD" flavor, so I'm going to have to go look at a back of one of the blue jars to see if there's a red line hanging down from the bottom of the transparent glass pepper. > GOLDEN LID ... jalapeno contents accurate to within 5% > SILVERY LID ... jalapano contents accurate to within 10% > NO LID ... made of people Of course, given that the yellow lid kind contains 0.01% jalape–os, this means that a yellow lid with a silver stripe means it may contain as little as negative 9.99% jalape–os, which would taste just like saccharin -- "A BILLION TIMES SWEETER THAN SUGAR, SO SWEET THAT IT WOULD TASTE BITTER! BUY SACCHARIN NOW! ALWAYS PUT SACCHARIN IN YOUR EYES!" > By the way, any of you tried "Pure Cap" yet? It's being marketed > as "pure capsaicin extract plus some extender added", which is a > bozotic description, but it's supposed to be good at making > commercial "hot" sauces, hot. Hmm. You know where they get that? The habanero peppers at the Prudential Star Market. A habanero, the world's hottest pepper, is something on the order of 250,000 to 300,000 parts per million (!) capsaicin. So I bought one put on my rubber gloves and put barrier tape around the area and poured myself three glasses of chocolate milk arranged at strategic locations between me and anywhere I might go if I went insane, then I cut off a tiny piece of it and put it on my tongue. It tasted like a cubanelle, only milder. Sort of like a green bell pepper that had been sitting in the sun too long. STAR SELLS CASTRATED HABANEROS!!! The things had been sitting in the market so long that they had started to dissolve themselves -- some of the ones in the bottom of the bin had had their lower halves turn clear as the dead capsaicin killed them from autoerotic dysolvixia. Anyway, all the capsaicin was gone by the time I got there and bought the completely mild habanero. So I think it went into "Pure Cap". Either that or into that arthritis medicine they keep advertising on TV with "capsaicin P", which I suspect means that someone eats some spicy food and then pees on the pills. "P", the secret ingredient that can go from a single letter to bathroom humor in two point three seconds! > Paul Guertin > pg@sff.net P.S. Plz rmv th nly vwl frm yr ddrss. -- K. I think the colors of Froot Loops should mean the same thing they do on Old El Paso salsa lids. MMM, CAPSAICINNAMON SWIRL!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 22:09:08 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.superfluous.com) wrote: > > [re elderly Tinkertoys of the fifties] > > Mine had the tin screw-on top in the cardboard tube which we hid the > kitty in when Ma wasn't around. Big deal. We hid Ma in ours when the kitty WAS around. Also, I don't like the new Tinkertoy packages with the pull-tab top where you can't even save up the pull tabs to get a free dialysis machine to use on your kitty!!! -- K. I tried to redeem all my pull-tabs at Mohegan Sun but they just laughed at me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:45:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) was boggled by Nick's assertion > that his favorite childhood cereal was Quaker Corn Bran: > > > > But it tasted like UNSHAVED CARDBOARD. I think it's actually > > burlap bran. It is the world's worst cereal, and yes, I've had > > the original "Kaboom" and "King Vitaman" and even "Uncle Sam, The > > Laxative Cereal". Not to mention some Russian fake Froot Loops > > It's definitely sweeter than unshaved cardboard. I guess it's > like durians, SOMEONE out there has to like it, and that someone is me. And, you know my pop-culture theory: The fewer people who think it tastes good, the more those people will like it. This explains the stories of people spending their life savings on their durian addictions in Singapore. And why you, an otherwise normal full-grown adult on the verge of graduating from high school, would like Quaker Corn Bran. However, it does not explain the one Pel-Freez Frozen Rabbit in the soggy cardboard box covered with six inches of frost whiskers in the back corner of every supermarket. > > You just missed a "Laverne & Shirley" episode where the plot was that > > her nerdy Trekkie friend started a disco band and they played disco music, > > the end! I did not leave the plot out, that WAS the plot. THE END!!! > > Oh, I get it. So Laverne and Shirley DIDN'T take place in the > fifties. Thanks for clearing that up. Have you met Lee Bumgarner? He has a new theory that there used to be a fifth Spice Girl who ALSO wore too much makeup. -- K. So does anyone like Flutie Flakes? THEY TASTE LIKE FOOTBALL!!! /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// rerun /// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: AOL in my Chex cereal! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.cereal Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 18:14:09 GMT Lance Olkovick (lolkovic@sfu.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In [news.admin.net-abuse.usenet/email], chris@greenapple.com wrote: > > > > > > AOL has a rather interesting new marketing tool -I found a CD in > > > the box of Corn Chex that I purchased today! > > What were they thinking?! That could be dangerous! If I were you, I'd > swallow the CD whole, then I'd SUE THE BASTARDS! (AOL, that is; don't > sue General Mills, the makers of Chex, CDs, and other fine breakfast > products.) But first use a magic marker to color the edges of your stomach green to make it digest the CD faster. That's all those speedy new 2X CD-ROM players are... 1X ones with a GREEN MARKER ATTACHED TO THE SPINDLE! > > That's nothing. I found a Cheerio in the box of Super Golden Frosted CDs I > > was eating for dinner at midnight while watching NBC's "seaQuest DSV" > > today. > > Cheerios is also made by General Mills. Kibo should SUE THE BASTARDS! General Mills vs. General Electric vs. General Semantics in a no-holds-barred JELL-O WRESTLING MATCH, sponsored by ROYAL GELATIN! > (NBC, that is, for reckless indifference: if they were at all > sensitive to their viewer's needs they'd know that, since Kibo lost > his job, SeaQuest should be on twenty-four hours a day, not just at > midnight on weekdays.) I haven't lost it *yet*. They just gave me three months advance notice that I was being laid off to ensure that I would dedicate the remaining three months to working really hard. La la la la. I'm posting to Usenet. La la la la la la la. I need to announce the BIG SURPRISE PARTY (surprise to my office-mates, that is) here soon. > > > This is slick - the CD has their software plus 50 free hours of > > > usage. Included on the CD is a children's game called CHEX QUEST > > > (think DOOM for five-year-olds). You can kill the Flemoids and > > > have a healthy breakfast, too. > > > > It's only healthy if you spend your whole morning killing Flemoids so that > > you don't have time to eat the little Brillo bricks that Chex calls > > "cereal". > > Chex are fine as long as you put enough icing sugar on them -- at > least 1 tablespoon per Chek. Do NOT buy something called Ancient > Grains. It's made from grains that have not been used since the > beginning of the Neolithic -- and for good reason: Could be worse. Could be the Coprolithic. Could be the beginning of Beethoven's First Coprolithic Movement. > it tastes how I > imagine unsweetened flakes of particle board would taste, and it can Ah, Quaker Corn Bran. Not to mention their new Burlap Bran and Horse Hair Bran. > have very untoward effects on one's gastrointestinal tract. Believe > me, to eat Ancient Grains you pretty well need the ancient bowels that > our ancestors had. Brings a new meaning to the phrase "Serving size: 1 bowel". For those of us in Boston, how about candlepin boweling? That would be worse because the Ancient Grains would still scrape your intestinal lining off but also you'd never get a strike. > > Besides, I always thought Doom *was* for five-year-olds! > > > > > The game "contains technology licensed from ID Software", > > > according to the package, and Quest II is available free at > > > http://www.chexquest.com > > > > The pictures of the hero, "Chexster", are truly terrifying. > > Chexster is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, though it's hard to > recognize him in that costume. Yeah, but who plays Arnold? C. C. H. Pounder!!! > > Folks, *THIS* is the sort of picture the alt.religion.kibology anthologies > > need more of before they can be put to bed. > > > That web site is truly precious. I quote from the "Character Biographies" page: > > > THE INTERGALACTIC FEDERATION OF CEREALS (IFC) > > The Intergalactic Federation of Cereals (IFC) was created following the > > Cold (Cereal) Wars in the early part of the 2nd millenium. With the > > exception of occasional skirmishes along several deep space quadrants, > > peace and free trade has prevailed throughout the modern universe. > > Today the IFC is led by its Senior Cereal Council, which is responsible > > for security, planetoid grievances and astro-blobule warnings. > > There'll be hell to pay when the Klingons find out that the Federation > is now allied with an intergalactic cereal manufacturer. No, no, no. You were supposed to be Ted Frank and you were supposed to cross-post this to soc.org.fraternities and say the IFC was a bunch of losers who can't beat a five-year-old at Doom. > There'll also be hell to pay when General Mills reads Kibo's post. I > guess Kibo didn't read the > > ********************************************************************** > Legal Stuff > > In order to use this site, you must first agree to these ground rules. > > > General Mills laid out some hard cash to bring you this awesome site, > download an e-copy of the materials on any single computer for your > personal, non-commercial home use, but remember to keep the copyright > notice ((c)1996 General Mills). Modification of the materials on this > site or use of the materials for any other purpose is a violation of > ********************************************************************** Note that, in this encoding, a triple quote would be \666. He said, "She told me, 'Why did you say '''this is confoozling?''' ' " > Haw, haw. Kibo is in big trouble now. He posted sooper sekrit stuff > from General Mills' site. Haw, haw. Haw, haw.... D'OH! It's not SOOPER SEKRIT. It's SEEREUL SEKRIT. SOOPER SEKRIT would be the reason why all the little "T"s in the can of Campbell's Alphabet Soup get broken but the "H"s don't. Not even the GIANT Hs! Whereas, Alpha-Bits has a different letter distribution. As I told you all back around 1992. When the mouse was living in my stove. > > > And you all thought that the free AOL floppies were a thing of > > > the past......... > > > > Free? Some people bought a whole box of cereal just to get one! > > I just bought a dumpster-size box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes because it > had a 3D Batman flicker stuck to it. I haven't seen the latest Batman > movie and I don't particularly like the cereal box picture but, hey, > it's THREE DEE!!! If you had a third eye you could see in FOUR DEE. And if you had a Super Nintendo you could see TWO AND A HALF DEE, in which everything is an INFINITELY COMPLEX FRACTAL MOUNTAIN made of BURLAP BRAN! [Wesley's mom got sucked into her son's cereal vortex.] "Computer, what is the nature of the Universe?" "The Universe is an infinitely complex fractal mountain seventy-two meters in diameter, filled with burlap bran." "I SEE... TWO... DOTS!" > Here's a 3D representation of the *new* KIBO cereal: > (to see 3D, focus beyond the screen till the 2 crosses merge) > > > > + + > $ :) * * $ :) * * > K I B O K I B O > * :) $ * :) $ Matt McIrvin will now do a 3-D version of the Indent-O-Meter that measures your screen's depth of field. (After all, there has to be SOME reason I'm using RenderMan as a news reader.) > See how KIBO floats above the marshmallow stars, smilies, and dollar > signs? It's just like the real-life Kibo. Notice how KIBO is at the > same level as the cross: KIBO even has theological implications, just > like the summer blockbuster movie _Contact_. But unlike _Contact_, > KIBO doesn't get soggy in milk. We don't know if Contact gets soggy in milk. But we can infer this because it gets crispy in anti-milk. As Democritus of Alexandria said while looking at the ancient heavens... (Kibo turns into Carl Sagan and dies. Then he gets better.) That was a close call! (feels his head to make sure it's not butt-shaped.) I almost became Carl Sagan, noted astrologer! > -- > Lance (A close personal friend of Admiral Wheet) > > > CONTACT CONTACT > + + > . . . . > * * . * * . > * . * . > . * * . * * > . . . . > . * * . * * The only way to decode this message is to hold it so that all the dots and stars line up in a straight line. Then it will spell out "______________________", and Charles Nelson Reilly will say: "WEE-WEE... IN SPACE!" And then Gene Rayburn will laugh, and then that strange ridge across his forehead will have a thought, and he'll pick up a big bone and throw it into the air. And Slim Pickens will be riding on that bone, waving his hat and screaming "YEEEEEEEE-HAW! YEEEEEEEEE-HAW! I SEE TWO DOTS! I WET 'EM! WEEEEEEEEE-WEE!" And then every member of the audience will drop dead, and Stanley Kubrick will go to a long, narrow white plastic jail with geometric furniture and people who do not display facial expressions. -- K. Displaying a facial explosion. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 04:05:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor And now, ladies and gentlemen, I will reply to four replies to my post simultaneously in QUADRAPHONIC STUPIDITY! Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And, you know my pop-culture theory: > > > > The fewer people who think it tastes good, > > the more those people will like it. > > > > This explains the stories of people spending their life savings on their > > durian addictions in Singapore. And why you, an otherwise normal > > full-grown adult on the verge of graduating from high school, would > > like Quaker Corn Bran. > > College, dude. And in no way otherwise normal. You went to college without graduating from high school? Wow, the standards are really slipping there at Case Western. You should transfer to Simon Fraser, because they wrote my favorite Usenet newsreader. > Then why isn't there at least ONE Usenet kook out there who has > dedicated his life to searching the country for the few remaining > boxes of Urkel-O's? Hey! I am not a kook! And also I'm only searching the EASTERN United States to find the remaining boxes of Urkel-Os in the EAST, while in the WEST I'm looking for all the remaining copies of Manly Bannister's "Conquest Of Earth". And in the middle, I'm looking for an honest man with a WebTV and no brain damage. > > However, it does not explain the one Pel-Freez Frozen Rabbit in the > > soggy cardboard box covered with six inches of frost whiskers in the > > back corner of every supermarket. > > That's a monitoring device. It's the only explanation. It sends out a warning tone if someone who likes to eat cute bunnies picks it up, then releases a cloud of toxic gas. This is all it does. It is quite enough. Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just remembered that this (I think) is the brand that has the little > > jalape–o-shaped thermometer on the back to graphically demonstrate > > that there is no hot pepper in the "MILD" flavor, so I'm going to have > > to go look at a back of one of the blue jars to see if there's a red > > line hanging down from the bottom of the transparent glass pepper. > > Not everyone is so considerate, which is why I always carry a big > candy thermometer with me when I buy salsa, so as to avoid unpleasant > suprises. You're Richard Stallman, aren't you? I still say Simon Fraser writes better newsreaders than you. > Batteries too. I like to touch the batteries to my tongue and then touch the salsa to the battery and if touching the salsa to the battery hurts my tongue as much as touching the battery to my tongue did then I know that I don't need any salsa that day, and more importantly, that it's time to put down my axe and get out the gun. Brian Eable (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I just remembered that this (I think) is the brand that has the little > > > jalape–o-shaped thermometer on the back to graphically demonstrate > > > that there is no hot pepper in the "MILD" flavor, so I'm going to have > > > to go look at a back of one of the blue jars to see if there's a red > > > line hanging down from the bottom of the transparent glass pepper. > > > > Not everyone is so considerate, which is why I always carry a big > > candy thermometer with me when I buy salsa, so as to avoid unpleasant > > suprises. > > Where can I get one of them big candy-aB thermometers? Because > I go to the supermarket AND I CAN'T FIND ANY CHILIS ANYWHERE! > The closest I can get is Tabasco sauce (and the dumb supermarket > only has RED Tabasco, none of the yummy GREEN Tabasco); Chili > flavoured potato chips; or some "Ground Chili" in a small spice > jar. The "Ground Chili" isn't very scary, I shook some into > my hand and licked it off and didn't suffer any pain. What is > in "Kim-Chee Base"? It looks pretty red. Is that chili? > Maybe I should try paprika? GOLDURN IT! HOW CAN A WHOLE > COUNTRY NOT HAVE ANY CHILI IN IT? Probably something > to do with Pinochet. Where do you live, Taco Bellistan? Are you Mike Obidzynski? PLEASE DON'T SPILL YOUR MILD SALSA ALL OVER MY NICE CLEAN FLOOR MISTER GUY!!! > And what's going on with the price of rice in Japan? It costs > about 500 yen for a kilogram. Apparently, consumers don't like > to eat imported rice, they think that Japanese rice tastes > SO MUCH BETTER! So the Government is putting a 350 yen/kilogram > tariff on imported rice. THAT'LL MAKE THE DOMESTIC RICE TASTE > BETTER! It's the rice that tastes like a meal. would. if a meal could eat. I was at Sarku Japan (aka Sakkio Japan, aka Sakura Japan) today -- the "Japanese" place at the mall food court -- and now they have "hibachi rice", which costs forty cents extra because the white rice is white but this stuff is white rice that turned brown when they cooked it on the world's smallest hibachi so that it wouldn't fall through the slots. I haven't tried it but I know it tastes better than the regular rice because it costs extra and besides nobody at the mall was ordering it and mall customers are stupid so it must be good. > Also, I have heard that there is a vast rice mountain. HEY EVERYONE LET'S PLAY KING OF THE HILL ON THE VAST RICE MOUNTAIN! (Everyone in alt.religion.kibology runs over to the mountain where Kibo is, but he laughs and "splashes" rice on them.) HA HA NOW YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO GET MARRIED! TO EACH OTHER! AND AS KING OF THE VAST RICE MOUNTAIN HILL I SO DECREE IT! GO AWAY AND GET MARRIED BEFORE I DO SOMETHING MEAN!!! > So why don't they just lower the price to get rid of the rice > mountain? Drop the tariff on imported rice, and let THE > INVISIBLE HAND steer people away from imported rice towards > their preferred domestic rice? WHY DOES BEEF COST 10000yen > for a kilogram? But I shouldn't complain, soy sauce IS REALLY > CHEAP! AND NUTRITIOUS! I prefer the British term for "soy sauce", "seasoning". Or the American term, "browning agent". MMM! MAKES MY BROWNIES TASTE BROWNER!!! MY STOMACH IS FILLING WITH BROWNIAN MOTION! RICOCHET KIBO TO THE RESCUE! PING-PTANG-PERTWEE!! > > Batteries too. > > Yeah! Batteries too! Wasn't that the sequel to the lame movie "*batteries not included", "*batteries too"? They were originally going to call it "*batteries not included either", but they thought nobody would get that clever pun because their target audience couldn't read lowercase letters, so to plug the movie they just filmed these TV commercials where people in hats with earflaps in summer and "Mighty Ducks" t-shirts came out of the theater and said "YEAH! BATTERIES TOO! THIS MOVIE ROCKS! I SAW IT AND IT WAS THE COOLEST FREE MOVIE I EVER SAWED!" but they screwed up and showed the movie during a TV commercial break and showed the yelling morons in the theater, and nobody really noticed, except maybe Stephen Wright, whose "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again" joke wasn't included, so he had to tell it again, and then his head exploded, and a chili pepper came out, and they all hugged it, and Richard Stallman got into a fight with Simon Fraser and Mike Obidzynski and Ricochet Rabbit but nobody thought of filming that even though it had ten thousand times as much violence, humor, and yes, even romance than "*batteries too". "Syadoz" (meanmeso@roanoke.infi.net) wrote: > > I worked out for a while and got a real good appetite, so I cooked up a > mess of potstickers. "Eww! There's potstickers all over the kitchen ceiling! You clean up this mess right now, and next time you cook potstickers, don't make them from real Hello Kitty stickers!" > MMM real good ones, with loads of ginger. They weren't just ginger, they were gingest. > Cooking stuff like this always makes me nostalgic for my grandfather - > the one who used to read me Kafka bedtime stories. And then you woke up to find yourself transformed into a hideous insect, just like in "The Fly"!!! > So I am eating my breakfast of pot stickers, and I start reading this > thread about breakfast cereals, a food substance I haven't seen in years. > It makes me even more wistful. > > For reasons I have never really understood, my grandfather decided it > was his duty to buy household cereal. > > He used to buy all the cereals everyone here mentioned, including > Lucky Charms, Trix, all the chocolate variants, Cap'n Crunch, Quake, > Quisp and Booberry. > > I can't tell you how teary it makes me to hear someone discuss > Count Chocula. The philanthropist billionaire or the cereal? I still have one of the anti-Semitic Count Chocola boxes from the early eighties, it's got to be worth a fortune now! Unless people have decided that anti-Semitic cereal isn't good for some reason. (It was the box showing the Count being menaced by a drawing of Bela Lugosi as Dracula, and they had drawn Lugosi's medallion as a big gold Star of David, so the Anti-Defamation League complained and they had to airbrush it out on the next lot, resulting in Dracula wearing a heavy yet invisible medallion on that strained ribbon around his ropy, Martin Landau-like neck.) I will volunteer that this is AT LEAST as rare as Mike Jittlov's Canadian Sugar Smacks box showing Mr. Spock endorsing the eating of vast quantities of sugar-coated sugar. > I can almost see my grandfather carrying a bowl to the table in the morning. > I can almost hear his voice, eerily more authentic than the commercial: > "Syadoz, Chah-kyooooooola"... I will pay Martin Landau ten dollars if he will eat an entire bowl of Count Chocola cereal at the next alt.religion.kibology party. > The other colorful childhood cereal which brings back memories: > Crispy Critters. Who could forget the year Post decided to incorporate > orange rhinos and pink elephants? I always wondered if the elephants screamed when they were deep-fried. > I especially remember it because my sister would get motion sick > on the school bus. ON or IN the bus? ON would be funnier, as it would involve your sister either having her own helicopter, or amazing powers of projectile vomiting. > I especially remember the stampedes. > > Also, I would especially like to use this time, during this Holiday > season, to thank Kibo for his selfless food experiments which allow me > to vicariously experience the atrocities of the food world without ever > having to come into contact with those "food" substances. Thank you Kibo, > for your sacrifices for me, a mere heathen. You forgot to mention Yummy Mummy and/or Fruit Brute. And Magic Rocks. They taste a lot like Froot Loops, only soaked in a mixture of vinegar, lye, and rocks. -- K. Also let's not forget the new cereal for the nineties, "Have A Happy Dot-Com Morning!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1998 10:49:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > I haven't trusted cereal commercials since Grape Nuts. "Try it for > > a week." Yeah, if my teeth hold out. > > Hey! I have a bowl of grape nuts every freakin' morning, and I > still have most of my original teeth, you wuss!!!!11! Wow. You should see a dentist and have those pulled out to make room for your permanent teeth unless you like going through life with 84 teeth, looking like something only H. R. Giger would marry. > That which does not kill you makes you stronger! So you live in a world where the doctors haven't yet discovered muscle relaxants. Well, good for you. In *my* world, they have not only discovered all sorts of non-lethal ways to make you really wimpy -- including snipping all your nerves with sewing scissors and painting your entire body with Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard except for an area the size of a dime at the base of your spine -- but the magical doctor people have also discovered a cure for the common cold. It simply involves taking a brief trip into YOUR universe, beating YOU up, and then coming back here. It's a win-win situation! I lose my cold, and it makes you stronger! Unless I beat you up so good that you die. If that happens, I'm sorry. (But it would be worth it.) > OK, I confess, I'm too cheap to spend money on official > non-generic Grape Nuts, and buy the Always Save yellow box > "Crunchy Nuggets". Mmmmm... nuggety. Um... does this box happen to have a smiling dog on it? Does the nutritional breakdown on the back talk about "maximum 20% ash"? Do the TV commercials say "Crunchy Nuggets are a part of this complete breakfast FOR DOGS"? If so, then it MIGHT be FOR DOGS. Poor Spot! Terri Willis ate all his Crunchy Nuggets. So he had to eat her lousy people food. Spot cried as he opened her pantry and saw that it was tesselated floor-to-ceiling with square tins of Spam. And none of them showed a happy dog, especially the one whose label had peeled off, revealing a mirror-like surface showing a pathetic, crying sissy puppy. Terri laughed as she enjoyed Spot's delicious doggie brunch, which made its own Hollandaise sauce and deftly poured the Beaujolais as she held her glass by the stem. Spot wasn't allowed to touch stems with his filthy paws, and moreover, he would never again be allowed to kiss girls because he was about to eat Spam. -- K. Spam is a remarkable synthesis of a rubbery texture with a salty flavor to yield something halfway between vinyl and bacon that washed up on a New England beach. Martha Stewart suggests nailing a tiny plastic seagull to your Spam. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 07:48:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > But it [Quaker Corn Bran] tasted like UNSHAVED CARDBOARD. > > Dear Kibo: Open box before trying to eat cereal. Box? I got the cheap kind that comes in a bag! Well, not a bag, really. What do you call one of those things which is like a bag only open at all three ends and kind of gelatinous and filled with Corn Bran? > P.S.: Sorry I haven't been posting anything funny lately, but I > don't have the flu. Tell you what, I can rub some Corn Bran all over my face and mail it to you. MMM, NEW IMPROVED CORN BRAN WITH KIBO MICROBES! -- K. A virus isn't actually a microbe but "microbe" sounds funny, like in "Microbe Center" or "Mr. Microbephone". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: And another thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:50:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wondered: > > > > What do you call one of those things which is like a bag only open at all > > three ends and kind of gelatinous and filled with Corn Bran? > > Nick Bensema's stomach. Well, then, I am *never* buying another one of those. -- K. By the way -- and we will *never* get tired of saying this -- HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: another Lucky thing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:11:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > WAIT A MINUTE! > > > > Blue diamonds weren't part of the original Lucky Charms? > > of course not! > > you must not have watched commercials in the '60s. > > I INSIST THAT YOU CLIMB INSIDE THE '60s RIGHT NOW > AND WATCH COMMERCIALS, YOUNG MAN! Okay, if I may change the subject from TV commercials of a decade to TV commercials about a decade, let me just complain about another one I've been seeing all night every night for the past three months: "Here's the nineties way to trim a beard." (guy with scissors.) "The eighteen-nineties." (harpsichord waltz music played at half speed, just like everyone danced to all the time before Abraham Lincoln invented TV) (the guy wipes the fog off the mirror to reveal that he has a super-cool Brian Bosworth-style haircut and is using an electric razor. As the announce extols the virtues of this 1990s electric razor, the music changes to the "Real Rap Beat" that came out of Mattel's Rappin' Ken boom box.) Now... the music in that commercial... in both time zones... They could have paid ten bucks for a stock CD of 1890s music and bad rap music, but no, they had to hire someone to play a harpsichord with one finger and then hit the "SOFT RAP-STYLE FILL-IN" button on a Casio keyboard the size of a kazoo. The sort of rap-like beat they used was not unlike the electronic sunglasses for kids I once saw which had a rap beat with three buttons you could hit to make your child-size green eyeglasses say "RAP ME, BABY!" / "IT'S LIVE JIVE!" / "I'M A REAL COOL CAT!" Twenty-three skidoo! Now if you'll excuse me I've got to go back to my old-tymey sepia-tone underwater harpsichord waltz at half speed. -- K. The modern equivalent of "twenty-three skiddoo" is hereby declared to be "Have a happy dot-com!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: ATM Envelope Warning! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 11:37:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.kids, jroos@my-dejanews.com, who has no Real Name, wrote: > > Don't know if this is true or not, but make sure you check them before you > lick and tell your kids! > > [massively forwarded urban legend believed by paranoid bozos begins; > I've deleted several entreaties along the lines of "FORWARD THIS TO > ALL THE PEOPLE YOU BELIEVE ARE YOUR FRIENDS, THIS IS NO JOKE!"] > > >> >Some SICK INDIVIDUAL is putting massive "hits" of LSD on the > >> >deposit > >> >envelopes at automatic teller machines ("ATM"'s)!!! Yes, by all means, be SURE TO TELL YOUR KIDS THAT THEY CAN GET FREE DRUGS AT THE BANK!!! QUICK, KIDS, TO THE BANK!!! PEOPLE ARE GIVING AWAY HUGE QUANTITIES OF EXPENSIVE DRUGS!!! > >> >The drug is absorbed through the saliva glands simply by licking > >> >the > >> >envelope. With your armpit. > >> >Unsuspecting people are being caught unawares and are "tripping > >> >out" without even knowing it! It's an experience so subtle you won't even notice it! Now THAT'S a head trip! > >> >Let me repeat this: These envelopes are laced with DRUGS. If you > >> >or your > >> >child gets any of the above, do not handle them. These are known > >> >to react > >> >quickly and some are laced with strychnine, which may cause > >> >irreversible > >> >brain damage in some cases. The drug is ADDICTIVE and, in the > >> >quantities > >> >contained in the above items, can cause children and adults to > >> >become > >> >additcts!!! And in even high quandtitites it can cause adtuldts to become addticdts! > >> >According to news reports, a college student in Alabama fell victim > >> > to this > >> >horrible hoax when he managed to lick three such envelopes after > >> >forgetting > >> >to include all of his parents' checks on his way to a job > >> >interview... SO REMEMBER KIDS, NEVER GO TO JOB INTERVIEWS!!! > >> >physicians have estimated he consumed over ten times > >> >the amount > >> >someone of his body weight could handle. Of course he didn't get > >> >the job. > >> > His future is destroyed not to mention the years of therapy he'll > >> >need to > >> >stop the terrible flashbacks!!! Therapy stops flashbacks? I thought harp music and ripply glass in front of the lens stopped them. > >> >It aslo happened to a subway operator who had to stop his train > >> >between > >> >stations (underground) when he thought he was going crazy. If he had been REALLY crazy, he would have stopped the subway train between stations (at fifty thousand feet)! > >> >A spokesman for Chase Manhattan says that his bank is considering > >> >switching > >> >to "lickless" envelopes, but says that right now, it costs to much > >> >to make > >> >the changeover. This is crazy! You MUST write to your Congress > >> >member NOW, > >> >and DEMAND that they pass legislation REQUIRING the use of lickless > >> >envelopes at ALL financial institutions! You're life may depend > >> >on it!!! SO WRITE LETTERS TO ALL YOUR CONGRESSMEN TODAY AND BE SURE TO LICK THE ENVELOPE ALL OVER BEFORE YOU MAIL IT!!! > >> >As it is, officials can't keep up with the problem. The chief > >> >research > >> >scientist at the Chemical Dependency Research Institute,emphasized > >> >that > >> >"it's easy to mix up a batch of liquid LSD. The chemicals you need > >> >can be > >> >stolen from any high school chemistry lab." I guess they haven't been in most high schools yet. Ours had a bottle of salt and a box of lint. > >> >The National Drug Center has had reports flooding in from all > >> >around the > >> >country. Be assured, this is NO JOKE. Rule of thumb: Anything which says "THIS IS NO JOKE" in four places is a LIE. > >> >Real people are getting sick Oh no! Not Skip Stephenson! Sarah Purcell! Peter Billingsley! Fred Willard! -- K. This reminds me, I gotta deposit some checks tomorrow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: attention deficit disorder Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 05:45:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > By the way, contrary to what I thought earlier, I could not get to sleep > tonight. 4:30 a.m. and nothing. > > for those who are wondering, it is Dexadrene... or -eme... I forget which, > and I'm not about to go looking for the bottle. So if you're a hyperactive child, does the theory that stimulants depress you and despressants stimulate you hold true? I've discovered that if I take Sudafed (pseudephedrine hydrochloride) which is supposed to make normaly people really, really, really sleepy, it just makes me vibrate around hyperactively for about eighteen sleepless hours, sort of like if I took fifteen cups of coffee and injected them directly into the part of my brain that likes coffee the least. (Even if I take half a dose. Note that the warning label always says something like "MASSIVE OVERDOSE can cause jitters, sleeplessness, spasticity, and general glibness" so either the proper dose for me is a tenth of a drop or else my medication came from backwards land where sedatives make me nervous.) Anyway, I'm not hyperactive, but Sudafed works backwards on me, so maybe they'd work forwards on you. > I need to get some food.... because that stuff affects the appetite and > I didn't eat much yesterday. > > I also forgot to mention that that stuff also causes a significant > amount of "shrinkage"... worse than that caused by a swimming pool, > because it also tends to produce "snaggage", and that's all I got > to say about that. Ah, so if it works the opposite for me that it does for you... "swellage" which also tends to produce "luggage"! > The thing is, my parents always asked how the medication was doing, > and I always said "I don't know".... because I couldn't remember. > Now I have the side effects and all that written right down, there. > And I'll get to the bottom of this. "Nick, why did you drink ALL of our medication?" "MY half was at the BOTTOM!" (A large, anthropomorphic WOMP WOMP walks in the door and kills them both.) I should point out that I realize that hyperactivity is not the same as attention deficit disorder, because waffles have holes in them when you don't lose the Pac-Man game I'm wet again, Santa? -- K. Could be worse, you could be an INTERactive kid. HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: attention deficit disorder Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 07:37:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So if you're a hyperactive child, does the theory that stimulants depress > > you and despressants stimulate you hold true? > > That's something my mother kept telling me, She kept telling you you're a hyperactive child? Wow, that's mean. Did she also keep telling you, every five minutes, that the Flintstones weren't real, just to also remove you of the joy of being three years old? > so she used to give me coffee to calm me down. And I remember at > least once drinking coffee in the 8th grade and being so wiped out > I had to go to the nurse's office to take a nap. Hmm, I'll have to remember that excuse to get out of class if I ever have to repeat the 8th grade. Dear Nurse, I need to take a nap. Signed, My Mother. > Actually, since Friday I've spend most of my day sleeping. Those meds > are hideous and they take all your brane power with it when they wear off... So give some to everyone around you and THEN you'll be SMART! > > I've discovered that if I take Sudafed (pseudephedrine hydrochloride) which > > is supposed to make normaly people really, really, really sleepy, it just > > makes me vibrate around hyperactively for about eighteen sleepless hours, > > sort of like if I took fifteen cups of coffee and injected them directly > > into the part of my brain that likes coffee the least. > > I've discovered that every time I try to take cold medicine, it always > ends up with my mother standing next to the medicine cabinet reading off > the label of everything we have, so that I have to guess which one most > closely matches what I have after not listening to any of it. Pay attention, Nick. Pay attention, Nick. Pay attention, Nick. LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TYPING AT YOU!!! > I end up taking something at random and not remembering whether it > works or not for the next time. WHEEL! OF! EXPIRED! GRANDMA! MEDICINE!!! I'm sorry, you just drank some "Beef, Iron, & Wine" from 1953. Better luck next illness! -- K. > > HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM! Had one, thanks. Please sir may I have another? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: attention deficit disorder Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998 06:07:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian Eable (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, contrary to what I thought earlier, I could not get to sleep > > tonight. 4:30 a.m. and nothing. > > > > for those who are wondering, it is Dexadrene... or -eme... I forget which, > > and I'm not about to go looking for the bottle. > > D00d, that is speed. See this page: > http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic/dextroamphetamine.htm > The effects you will notice are: > - Feeling like you're ten feet tall and bulletproof > - Feeling like you're mentally sharp and very witty > - Brane racing > - Lots of physical energy > - "Shrinkage" > - Loss of appetite > - Difficulty sleeping. > > You should be very aware that these amphetamine drugs have > a high potential for abuse and are HABIT FORMING. In other > words, you can easily get addicted! THEY SHOULD COME UP WITH A REALLY ADDICTIVE DRUG WHICH TREATS ADDICTION!!! By the way, since you posted the address of that Web page for looking up prescriptions, I finally looked up the Butalbital/APAP/Caffeine pills Dr. Shafqat prescribed for my headache-that-wouldn't-leave-the-left-side- of-my-brain-for-three-days-and-mimicked-a-brain-tumor two years ago: D00DZ, I"VE BEEN TAKING BARBIE RITULATES WITH0UT N0 ING IT !!!!11 BUTALBITAL IS A BARBITCHERATE!! -> Brand Names: Americet; Anolor 300; Anoquan; Endolor; Esgic; Esgic-Plus; -> Ezol; Femcet; Fioricet; Fiorpap; Geone; Isocet; Medigesic; Minotal; -> Pacaps; Pharmagesic; Repan; Tencet; Triad I SWALLOWED A TRIAD!!! -> Barbiturate -> -> Signs and Symptoms: Drowsiness; confusion; coma; respiratory depression; -> hypotension; shock. IF PATIENT IS NOT MOVING, IT COULD BE BARBITUATES. Butalbital is available with caffeine and acetaminophen (which is what I got, "APAP" aparently means acetaminophen = Tylenol) or with codeine, just to make it more narcotic. It apparently has a bad interaction with Warfarin, which I'd never swallow because it sounds like a rat poison. The weird thing is I only took two of them -- one for that headache, one for my next migraine -- and they didn't do A DAMN THING for me, just like aspirin and Tylenol. (Well, aspirin makes me bleed all over the dentist, but that's probably not the effect I wanted.) So I am immune to powerful drugs like barbituates but Sudafed makes me all giggly. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, AND WHY CAN'T THEY FIX IT WITH DRUGS THAT TASTE BETTER? -- K. Fun factoid: That Web site says that Prozac capsules are "Pulvules(R)". And another out-of-context snippet: -> Parents of pediatric patients should be advised not to use -> tight-fitting diapers or plastic pants on a child being treated -> in the diaper area, as these garments may constitute occlusive dressing. STAY OUT OF THE DIAPER AREA!!! Also note that the above was in regard to an acne medication. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bell Atlantic DSL Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 08:16:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > > > so my question is: what the heck is a DSL? Deep Submergence Losertvseriesbystevenspielbergthatbozo. > > or, if I can't get an answer to that, maybe someone could > > figure out what to call an "inside joke" when there is no > > one "inside" who gets it. > > "Kibological" Yes, except you MUST understand that, by definition, Kibo gets all jokes that nobody else gets. Also, Kibo gets all jokes that don't get themselves. KIBO IS NO JOKE! HE IS JUST A MISTAKE! -- K. "Have a happy dot-com!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: blahblahblah ... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 03:50:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > For those of you Hmas card holders who are afraid to ask, and I know > > there are many, it was a nudibranch on a durian. Okay? Happy? > > And those squiggly things? Those are STINK. > > Ahhhh. I understood the stink part. I thought it was some sort of > prickly slug / pineapple thingy. I didn't get one. A card, either. However, because I was SMART enough to buy one of Leah's "Humongous" games at OfficeMax for five bucks and fill out the OfficeMax rebate coupon a couple of months ago, on today -- Christmas Eve -- a flat yet ridgy package made out of a sheet of corrugated cardboard turned inside out arrived. (It had an "AIR ENHANCED" sticker on it despite it containing no air. It would fit under the average door, even in solitary confinement.) The contents of the package were the freebies OfficeMax had offered with the five-dollar kids' computer game: "Putt-Putt Book & Tape" Now, amazing as it may seem, the title of the book (and I use the term loosely -- I would complain about how few pages it has but they're not numbered so I don't know) which arrived on Christmas Eve is "Putt-Putt's Night Before Christmas". The book, typeset in one of the display sizes of Monotype Bulmer (KIDS LOVE HAIRLINE FONTS! ESPECIALLY ON GLOSSY PAPER! MOMMY, READ ME THE BOOK AGAIN SO I CAN MAKE YOUR EYES BLEED!) includes such classic rhymes as: St. Nick filled their stockings right up to the top, With dog bones, a car phone and oil soda pop. The tape -- which, incidentally, will not fit into my compact disc player -- has a "READ-ALONG SIDE" and a "LISTENING SIDE". Although I have no means of playing it, I suspect they are like this: READ-ALONG SIDE "Turn the page. (long pause) Turn the page. (long pause) Turn the page." LISTENING SIDE "SHUT UP AND LISTEN, KIDS! Putt-Putt was -- I SAID SIT DOWN AND LISTEN!!!" Anyway, the book is illustrated in the usual charming Humongous house style, and of course the adventure of Putt-Putt and his puppy Spot^H^H^H^HPep takes place in that special surreal world, where there's a chick nesting in their mailbox, where dogs can sleep in the same bed as cars, where there are honkable horns all over the living room wall, and where goldfish wear blindfolds. MMM, FISH BONDAGE!!! -- K. P.S. This product and Humongous Entertainment are not in any way affiliated with Putt-Putt(R) Golf Courses Of America, Inc., because combining goofy golf with talking baby cars would be TOO WACKY FOR ME. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bought a 1999 calendar today Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 04:35:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.psychology.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I bought a calendar today, for the first time in my life. Wow! Next thing you know, he'll buy a dictionary! But why would Archie need to BUY a calendar when he keeps inventing them?: [from "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", posted in 1994]: -> It was 20 Apr93 when I started to change the calendar from the -> reckoning to the birth of Jesus to the known year of discovery of the -> element plutonium. > I usually do not do things like that; Usually you do them while wearing your pants on your head and shouting "SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!" > spend money on things that I can get for free such as at a bank. Wait... you can afford a bank account? > In fact I have a small fold-out calendar with Norman > Rockwell pictures on each of the 12 months. Archimedes Plutonium admits to peeking at the remaining months' pictures, film at 11. > I use calendars to warn me of upcoming appointments and to keep track > of my work hours. "Work hours"? 9 AM - noon: Post stupid stuff to sci.math noon - 2 PM: Post stupid stuff to sci.physics 2 PM - 5 PM: Post stupid stuff to misc.legal 5 PM - 8:30: Post stupid stuff to soc.history.science 8:30 - 11 PM: Post more stupid stuff to sci.math 11 PM - 4 AM: Reply to own posts 4 AM: Pass out in Dartmouth public computer lab What's so hard of keeping track of that, especially given that you never do any actual work? > But a few years ago I received a free calendar that was wall sized and > it had neat pictures for each month. I remember one of those pictures > was two parrots and one was upside-down on the branch, funny. A regular kneeslapper! Some day he's going to discover teevee sitcoms and then we'll hear about it. > And another was a camouflaged insect. But the pictures of most importance > on that calendar was the Taj Mahal and also the Egyptian pyramids. And > so each morning I wake up, I am greeted with the sight of the calendar > across from my bed. Doesn't it look funny through the mosquito netting over your bed above the plastic sheets? (Quoting from one of his Web pages:) -> I like cowboy western hats in the summertime. And this is a picture of my -> room in the summertime. I put a tent on my bed, a practice I first -> developed in Malaysia. I hope to make it to my very end without another -> mosquito bite, but I doubt it. A bed without mosquito netting in the -> summer, to me is primitive living. [I can't remember which page has the other photo of the bed where the caption talks about the wonders of plastic sheets. I admit it, I'm no expert on Archimedes Plutonium.] > And it was the sight of the Taj Mahal for a month > that would later develop into my postings of " the most beautiful > arcitecturally designed building in the world". My design is a > Parthenon type building with 10 spires atop. Good thing there wasn't a page showing a crackpot posting to the science newsgroups. > So, that calender furthered my science work. And a couple of days > ago, in the store I saw a calender titled Crop Circle Calender 1999. > And I was amazed at how beautiful some farmfields could be made with > spiralling circles. And so I decided to spend some money, the first > time in my life in buying a calendar. Why am I not surprised that Archie's First Calendar was also his first exposure to the concept of crop circles? By the way, they're fake, Archie. > I am hoping that I may be "made > to think about something" from the 12 pictures I will be seeing in the > morning upon awakening. Probably not. Probably no new science for me > will come of those 12 pictures for 1999. Oh, I don't know. I look forward to seeing 10,000 posts from you about how your cravings for shredded coconut prove that the Moon must be soft-landed in the middle of a crop circle in Iowa. > But thumbing through it, it has already captured my interest in that > many of the pictures come from Hampshire, England. And I do not know > where Hampshire England is. > > And I need to find out how New Hampshire, USA was named and by whom. > Obviously it came from the English Hampshire, but did the English > Hampshire have the mountains that resemble White and Green Mountains? Archie -- here's some help with your next Christmas list: dictionary, encyclopedia, brain. > I do not mind spending money if I think it may help my science. VELL, IT COULDN'T HOIT!!! > In my youth and up to recent, I was very tight with my money, but I am > gradually opening up to spending what I had conceived of as frivolous > before. > And perhaps the pictures may get my mind to thinking about the > geometry of 231Pu or other geometry. > > And recently I have bought a number of bottles of cologne. I wanted > Aramis to see if the late 1960s would come back to me via > smell-sense-memory. Many of our flashbacks in time are stimulated by > smell senses. When we hear old music, our minds are often transported > back in time. Why am I not surprised that Archie has flashbacks to the sixties? He's kind of like Reverend Jim plus Latka all in one convenient sitcom wacky neighbor. > Again, in my younger days I would not have so called wasted money on > cologne. But as you get older you realize there is only such a short > time of living that you should experience as many of the good parts of > living as you can. So why are you posting all these articles to sci.psychology.misc about how much you like buying calendars showing crop circles and asking the psychological community for help figuring out how New Hampshire got its name? You're missing out on all the important parts of life, like MTV! -- K. They're showing a very special Christmas episode of "Beavis & Butt-head" right now. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.health.alternative,alt.support.diet,alt.health,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Chromium Picolinate Does it work for weight loss/energy boost? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 02:49:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.health.alternative, alt.support.diet, alt.health, and alt.religion.kibology, "Yarrow" wrote: > > rice@epix.net wrote: > > > > American we don't want to hear that we are not getting all the nutrition > > we need from the foods we eat no matter how fresh it is. Since 1937 the > > ddt killed the minerals,vitamins and ect that we need from the dirty. > > DDT doesn't KILL minerals.... minerals are not living things. Then how do you know? Maybe it WOULD kill them if they weren't ALREADY DEAD! You can't say for sure until you find a live mineral to test to lethality of DDT. (I think you can find living rock in some caves, especially in the part of "Zork" where the hint book says "It's just an expression".) -- K. dee dee tee ta ta tee tee ta mahna mahna! P.S. I need more ect from my dirty. Me need eat more dirty!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Classified ads Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 04:43:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@2cowherd.com) wrote: > > > > So I went and read the rest of the ads. Well, at least the interesting > > looking sections. For sale were: > > Twenty-two individual furbi, priced between $75 and $500; Twenty-one > > plural furbys; eight furbies; eight furby's, and three webtvs. Plus > > one "luvseat." > > You know what they need? A "luvseat" that has a built in webtv that > is shaped like a giant furby, so when you sit on it it starts doing > that stupid furby stuff, and the jaws are so strong that they crush > you in it. On second thought, that's a really crappy idea and maybe I > should talk another nap. Poor Spot! His new domestic partner was a life-size Furby. And worst of all, his doggie bed was A CATERPILLAR! EWWWWWWWW!!!! The End. -- K. This was NOT the 1998 Christmas Spot story -- wait two days, dammit. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dr. Scott, UHF 68, Los Angeles, Saturday 11pm Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 08:27:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > So I'm flipping -- no, actually it'd be dialing, through the stations on > my junky old Toshiba blackstripe (not the same as fruit stripe) TV. So if a zebra is the mascot for Fruit Stripe gum, does this mean a rainbow tetra is the mascot for Black Stripe TVs? Why would you want to advertise a TV as having a black stripe across the screen, anyway? Is it a diagonal stripe? That would be kind of fun. You could watch someone you don't like and shout "I'm *NOT* watching you! You're *NOT* on my TV set! You are *NOT* smoking!" > And I come across this old guy on UHF 68. John Silber! > He's setting back, smoking a cigar, > and talking... very... deliberately... > ... about the pyramids... and their secrets... and the > book of enoch... and the Christians... and Jesus. > > So this goes on for maybe 20mins or so, and I'm actually listening because > the pace at which he speaks is sort relaxing. I could easily fall asleep > to the lucidly insane mumblings of this dysfunctional grandfather like > fellow. But then he pauses, his eyes scan around a bit. He grabs another > cigar, puts it in his mouth, and continues to speak on about the pyramids > or something. > > He's trying to light the cigar with one of the plastic disposable > lighters, but the lighter appears to be out of fluid. All the while he's > continuing on about the pyramids -- speaking deliberately and slowly, but > his gaze is focused entirely upon the task of getting the cigar lit. He > sets down the plastic lighter, and then grabs something else from out of > view on his right side. He pulls it up to the cigar, and it is now > obvious that this is also a lighter. He moves around a bit and then it > becomes obvious that it's not just any old lighter, but one of those > hand-grenade replica lighters. I missed it, I was watching Cartoon Network. For the commercials. Anyway, I am guessing it was John Silber. For the uninitiated: WABU-68 is Boston's only remaining Really Independent TV station, now that all the others are affiliated with high-profile networks like UPN or The WB or Pax. Channel 68 was formerly owned by the Christian Scientists and now it's owned by Boston University, which is a big step up -- college students are better at running TV stations than rich churches founded on the premise that if you close your eyes and wish really hard your amputated leg will reappear with Jesus's autograph on it. > At which point I fell over laughing onto the floor, all by myself, alone > in my new home. But now that you've told us you're no longer rolling around on your floor alone by yourself like the pathetic alone-floor-roller you are. Now we're also mentally touching your floor with random parts of our bodies! You have brought us all together and I would hug you if I weren't the only one here who was above this sort of exercise. Does it bother anyone else that while the Cartoon Network has "The Tex Avery Show", consisting entirely of classic cartoons by Tex Avery, a local re-run channel has "The Wacky World Of Tex Avery", a very badly-animated *new* cartoon featuring characters he never drew performing poorly-drawn under- animated unfunny non-actions? One of the characters is named "Tex Avery", so apparently that's the connection, at least in their minds... THEIR WACKY MIND OF NOT TEX AVERY. Tex Avery is a saint for proving that exploding eyeballs are funny. -- K. Did the grenade guy also have another plastic grenade on his desk with a "1" on the pin and "TAKE A NUMBER" on the base? And then did he offer to show you photos of his Pride & Joy? By the way, I know you said you were talking about L.A. channel 68, not Boston channel 68, but you're posting from world.std.com in Boston so I know you're lying. Plus at 11pm tonight WABU-68 here was showing "Mounties: Missing alcohol causes a dispute", which sounds especially funny if we pretend Dr. Gene Scott and his holy hand grenade were in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:44:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Keep in mind my parents are out. > > I went into the extra fridge we have in the garage, to get a Hot > Pocket for a quick lunch. > > I opened the fridge to get a Mountain Dew from same, Mmm, Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew. I don't think you needed to specify mention your parents aren't home. > but the light didn't go on. And the cans didn't seem all that cold. But you had no idea why because the little light above your head didn't go on. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! I'm sorry, I keep confusing you with Spot. I think it's because you used the words "Mountain Dew" in a sentence. Please forgive me. > I opened the freezer and everything was close to room temperature. In an absolute sense when taking the entire Universe into account! Yaaaaah! > Panic. There's a lot of food in there. OH NO THERE'S FOOD IN THE FREEZER! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! > I took out the tamales my mom spent eons making, But eons ago the Universe was thousands of degrees warmer, so the tamales should already be acclimated to it, especially if they've evolved a rudimentary intelligence by now. > and the TV dinners, and put them in the working freezer. So, you had two freezers, and everything fits in one, but you put half of it in the broken freezer in the garage just to have stuff to talk about on the Internet? > I don't know whether they're any good anymore. I didn't see > anything green growing on them. OH NO!!! THERE IS GREEN ORGANIC MATTER IN MY MIXED VEGETABLES!!! > There was also a tupperware thing full of this meat and this sauce > and stuff. There were also many many Hot Pockets wrapped in plastic; > we got a 12-pack of Ham and Cheese. I left them. I'll take the six ham ones off your hands, but I won't touch the six cheese. > My brother was in the living room playing football on his Super NES. Ah, Super NES, the first stage of WebTV infection. > I told him that the freezer was off, hoping he would know what to do, > how to get it back on, and which food items could be saved. He has > a life, he knows what girls feel like, Does he own a VIC-20, by any chance? > he has to know this. > > He, in turn, probably thought, "he has no life, he knows how to > program computers, he has to have everything under control." > > He told me to call my parents. I didn't know where the phone numbers > were so I panicked. You know, this morning I saw the "Happy Days" episode where Joanie and Chachi are at home alone with Ritchie Junior (this was a very late episode) while Howard and Marion and Fonzie and Lori Beth were on vacation and Roger was conveniently missing from the whole episode and Ralph and Ritchie were in the offscreen army, and the boiler in the basement broke and Joanie had to call a repairman and he charged her $200 and when Howard and Marion came home they YELLED AT HER FOR SPENDING MONEY JUST TO FIX THE HOUSE, and also for USING THE BLANK CHECK THAT THEY LEFT HER FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY. I suggest you find your parents' blank check and write yourself a ticket to Rio. It's nice this time of year. > Then, he pointed out to me that they were > driving from Ohio to New York all day. Which, of course, made me > feel better that I didn't have to find a phone number. But now I > was completely on my own here. > > See, both of us were clueless and I was the only one who was even > slightly concerned that a decision had to be made about WHAT TO DO > WITH THE FOOD, and the wrong decision could result in FOOD POISONING. > And throwing away the tamales would mean throwing away at least a > FULL DAY of my mother's time. It's the ultimate weapon! I have invented a guy that makes people make tamales and then makes them go bad to DESTROY TWENTY-FOUR HOURS! Yay! I just wrote an episode of Doctor Who! > My brother turned the breakers and stuff so it works again. And > most of the stuff _I'M_ going to eat will be in the microwave for > slightly longer than usual before I eat it. > > I just hope the food poisoning kicks in BEFORE New Year's Eve. What? You don't want it to kick in right when you're about to go back to work the next day? -- K. I do! I'm mean. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:11:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > Keep in mind my parents are out. > > So you "borrowed" your dad's antique sportscar without > permission to go pick up a red-headed hooker, while 2 wacky > burglars try to break into your home. Wait... the burglars in that movie were supposed to be wacky? I thought it was a horror movie. I kept having nighmares about this overpaid spoiled little brat hitting people in the head with anvils and spraying them with a garden hose filled with sulfuric acid and jamming them into his furnace boiler and stuff. It was like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon with all the brainy stuff taken out! > [re: broken freezer] > > > Simple rule: Were the icecubes all melted? > > If not, don't worry about the food, you caught it in time. > > If so, consider the food to have been thawed. > Oho, so you're trying to use Reversed Tags to make the rest of us look bozotic. Well, I'll just have to counter everything you say from now on by putting around it, to make you big baby rebozo. Note that this does not entitle you to be the bad guy on "Super Force" -- that was G. Gordon Liddy. I think Bebe Rebozo now works as a K-Mart greeter, the world's least-skilled job. Except for writing Wile E. Coyote cartoons. I mean, they kept cheating once they ran out of ideas halfway through the first cartoon. (SHOT OF ROCK FALLING DIRECTLY TOWARDS ROAD RUNNER) (SHOT OF WILE E. COYOTE A MILE AWAY WATCHING ROCK FALLING TOWARDS ROAD RUNNER) (SHOT OF ROAD RUNNER LOOKING DIRECTLY UPWARDS AT ROCK DIRECTLY ABOVE ROAD RUNNER AS CIRCULAR SHADOW GROWS AROUND ROAD RUNNER) (SHOT OF ROCK LANDING ON WILE E. COYOTE) (REPEAT SIX TIMES) THE END. -- K. Also, for some reason, I always think the Road Runner is a girl. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:17:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > > > Simple rule: Were the icecubes all melted? > > > > If not, don't worry about the food, you caught it in time. > > I suspect if there were ice cubes in there, they would have melted. Oh no! Nick's subjunctive ice cubes were ruined! So was the seven-layer rainbow meat loaf he COULD have spent a week preparing! The week that didn't happen was RUINED even though it didn't happen! This reminds me, in 1991 I posted that I had my tongue stuck to the inside of my freezer and I asked for help, and none of you people were around then to help me (except for Henry Churchyard, and he was no help either) so please pretend that my tongue has now been stuck to the freezer for eight years. This was the freezer which was next to the stove that had mice living in it, by the way. A couple weeks ago (about five apartments later) they installed a new REALLY HUGE fridge here because they got tired of complaints along the lines of "This fridge sucks, it's older than I am, and I'm in my thirties" but just to annoy me the new one is a left-hand-drive model and now every time I go into the kitchen while I'm still asleep I try to open the smooth, featureless, unimpeachable side of the door and the fridge silently mocks me with its enantiomorphosity. -- K. One neat thing about a.r.k around Christmas 1998: Most of the "regulars" are posting more than usual (except for Lee Bumgarner) and the other people are taking a week off, so with just ten of us here each posting ten articles a day it feels like 1991. Except for the cascades and .sig virii, yay! I am having a flashback to when a.r.k was much smaller and more concentratedly bozotic, like the WB network. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Fromage to Kibo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 07:48:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > [music video Stephen made out of "samples" from Kibo's posts omitted] > > >>>> CREDITS <<<< > Idea stolen from Louis Nick III > Articles stolen from Kibo via Deja News > Lyrics stolen from "Down to This" by Soul Coughing > Free browser stolen from Microsoft Corporation > Kibo has never posted "toothpick" or "machete" > keep circulating the tapes... A-hem. TOOTHPICK! BELOW! And I could swear I've said "machete" but I can't prove it, so maybe I just said it to myself when I was killing that guy. /// rerun pasted in while watching the episode of "The Wonder Years" where Fred Savage listens to Peter Graves talking about giant tomatoes in Bert I. Gordon's "Beginning Of The End", written by Harlan Ellison /// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Plethora Of Discussion. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Sat, 20 Jun 1998 03:46:46 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 4721 centons, 63 microns, .02 rouettes Richard E. Nickle (rick@beable.trystero.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -- Kibo, Evil Space Pirate, > > Spokesman For Earth, > > And King Of Terror > > You forgot to add 'Emperor of R.O.M.' and 'Inventor of the Smiley' (Kibo crosses to a handy typewriter and begins to bash out letters.) R O M I S T O B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W A R D S R O M I S T O B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W A R D S R O M Y S T O B O R S P E L E L D B A C K W A R D S R O M I S T O B B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W A R D S R O M I S T O B O R S P E L L E D B A C K W Z R D S TRUMAN BRADLEY: Yes, some day, robots such as these may be available from the Sears Holiday Wish Book. But will they be invisible like my robot? Tonight's story DID NOT HAPPEN, a tale from the borderland beyond fiction, beyond science, a tale so terrible that... it just might happen tomorrow. COULD IT HAPPEN? DID IT HAPPEN? IS THIS STORY TRUE? Tonight's story did not happen. BUT IT DID HAPPEN!!! (Lap-dissolve to a spaghetti collander sitting on a table. It is slowly rocking back and forth as someone shakes the table by the legs. Extremely loud big-band music is heard. Superimposed title:) SCIENCE FICTION THEATRE presents INVENTOR OF THE SMILEY with Whit Bissell and Coleman Francis SCIENTIST (peering into microscope): These computer circuits are oddly programmed. Could the communists be involved? WIFE (dancing through the room stirring a pan of cake batter): Hi, honey! Look at me! I'm cooking! Look at me! Look at meeeeee! SCIENTIST: No time for that now, woman. I am inventing the computer! WIFE (bursting into tears): You never invented the computer before! You used to talk to me before you became such a... a... science doer! SCIENTIST: The word is "scientist". WIFE: Oh. Now I understand. Science is a worthier pursuit than my selfish desire for acknowledgment of my existence. I will stir more quietly in the kitchen and never leave the kitchen again. (She exits.) SCIENTIST: Now, how do these bits travel over the wires to communications satellites? (Scratchy black and white stock footage of a rubber ball with toothpicks stuck in it hovering over a globe of the Earth with huge letters saying "Ottoman Empire" in Europe. Sound effect: A guy saying "Beep... beep...") SCIENTIST: I just can't invent anything worthy of a Nobel Prize today. I guess I'm just not cut out to be the world's greatest scientist any more. (He crosses over to the shaving mirror hanging over the Bunsen burner in his lab, and talks to his reflection.) SCIENTIST: Here I am all alone with you. But you can't help me. I'm just a washed-up World's Greatest Scientist and you're all backwards. I hate you! (He gives the mirror a very gentle slap, so as not to break the prop. The wall wobbles. The mirror comes unhinged and rotates ninety degrees clockwise. Suddenly the scientist's reflection is sideways!) SCIENTIST: Now, wait just a minute, hold it right there... (He picks up a grease pencil and circles the eyes of his sideways reflection, then outlines the mouth. Slow, wobbly zoom in on the smiley he has just drawn. We hear the big band orchestra playing swing music at ten thousand decibels.) SCIENTIST: Well, I'll be! The smiley was within me after all! TRUMAN BRADLEY: Tonight's story did not happen. But someday... it will. Maybe the day after tomorrow. Maybe two days before tomorrow. It doesn't matter. What matters is science. One day man will invent the smiley. Then his wife will bake him a cake. I'm Truman Bradley. Good night. (He picks up a September 1953 "Scientific American" magazine and begins reading the photo captions for the thenty-eighth time. Roll credits.) -- K. This parody DID happen. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Gimme that ol' time religion Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 04:22:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > From some online news source that will now sue my pants off 'cause I > mentioned "Prince of Egypt" without adding the "Copyright GOD (2000BC)": > > > > DreamWorks had long stressed the fact that > > "Prince," with its Bible-based images of plagues > > and mass infanticide, was not aimed at small > > children. > > It was aimed a little higher, to BLOW THE HEADS OFF THE BIGGER CHILDREN! Besides, it's Michael Jackson who aims himself at small kids, not Prince. _ ___ _ _ ____ _ ___ _ _ ____ \_/ \_/ (___) / \_/ \ |---' \_/ \_/ (___) / \_/ \ |---' _ ___ _ ___ \_/ \_/ /---\ |---| \_/ \_/ /---\ |---| If you turn that sideways it spells out "SHELL OIL OWNS OMNI MAGAZINE"! Or at least "HAM DOWN HAM DOWN". > I would love to see the DreamWorks movie with Bible-based images of > plagues and mass infanticide that IS aimed at small children. I'm > betting that parents everywhere will love it too. > > DAD: "SHUT THE HELL UP, KIDS, AND GO TO SLEEP! You must DO as I SAY > because GOD HATES YOU ALL and I'M THE ONLY ONE PROTECTING YOU WHEN HE > COMES 'ROUND TO MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!!! Uh-oh, here He comes... He > heard you kids... YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW!!!!" I'm just scared that CMT (Country Music Television, one of the silly little cable TV "networks" here in the USA) last night aired "A Country Tribute To 'The Prince Of Egypt'". OH BOY SQUARE-DANCE MUSIC ADVERTISING A CARTOON BASED ON THE TRUE STORY OF THE BIBLE JUST LIKE "THE TIME TUNNEL" ONLY NOT AS STUPID!!! This is why "Battlestar Galactica" was more realistic than "Star Wars", because "Star Wars" was based on myhtology and "Galactica" was based on THE BIBLE! -- K. The other problem with "The Prince Of Egypt" is that it comes in this weirdly-shaped box that looks like a Budweiser logo on its side, or possibly Pablo Picasso's attempt at drawing Tennesee Tuxedo's bow tie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Happy Quetzalcoatlmas! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 02:53:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > Dang. > I just noticed the tag on my Quetzalcoatl. "Most effective if worshiped > before: July, 1525". That's nothing. My Furby has the same tag. > No wonder I'd been sacrificing more, but enjoying it less. I think the only proper way to get the MOST respect from your god is to sacrifice a god of equal or greater power. > No more still beating hearts for you, Feathered Serpent Boy! It's just dehydrated Heart In A Drum from now on. -- K. I would make a callback to Pope Emperor FrogMaN's McHeart press release, but I accidentally pressed it and it was released so now we'll never know what the callback would have been. Also, he has almost the same name as you, except for the goofy capitalization. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: helllllp me...... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8121 centons, 98 microns, 0.003 abians Date: Fri, 25 Dec 1998 11:18:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Post of the month, and the best argument I've seen for vouchers this year: > > In misc.legal, "paper" (paper@stlnet.com) wrote (quoted in full): > > > > Subject: helllllp me...... > > > > If 250 acres sold for $2,000.oo an acres...how much would that be? I > > must get confirmation and my brain is'nt functioning. Is it 400,000.?? > > paper > > paper@stlnet.com I know not of these vouchers for which you vouch. If "paper" had a paper voucher, then you are saying... (a) "paper" would be able to use a calculator, or (b) "paper" wouldn't have posted this, or (c) "paper" would have been entitled to have their posting rewritten and recomputed by a professional before we saw it? I like the idea of (c). I think I will design an easy-on-the-eyes chew-proof Tyvek certificate which alt.religion.kibology do-gooders can hand out to people in other newsgroups who are floundering in their attempts to use complete sentences: +---------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | THIS VOUCHER ENTITLES YOU TO REQUEST HELP FROM A PERSON WHO | | KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN STAR TREK AND STAR WARS EVEN | | THOUGH THEY ARE TOO SMART TO REALLY LIKE EITHER ONE. | | PRESENT THIS VOUCHER TO ANY MEMBER OF ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY | | AND THEY WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND HELP YOU SET UP YOUR | | COMPUTER OR WEBTV AND WILL TYPE IN YOUR POST FOR YOU AND | | MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER THAN YOU ARE. THEN THEY WILL PUT A | | SAFETY LOCK ON YOUR COMPUTER OR WEBTV TO PREVENT YOU FROM | | HURTING YOURSELF. COMPUTERS ARE ELECTRIC! | | | +---------------------------------------------------------------+ Also, if you gave someone one of these and they never used it, they would be punished by being locked in a room and forced to listen to a hundred really amateurish attempts to rip off the "Twilight Zone" music. "EEDLE-PLINK-PLINK, EEDLE-PLINK-PLINK, EEDLE-PLINK-PLINK, YAAAGH MAKE IT STOP!" -- K. These vouchers would also be scented like french fries to make them easier for stupid people to rediscover where they left them. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Su