Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: 1999. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 09:33:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'd just like to say that it's only been 1999 for four and a half hours but I have already concluded: 1999 FEELS ALL WRONG. -- K. It's like we've just entered a stretch of time that smells funny. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Announcement! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 08:12:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor As a certifiable billionaire, it is my duty to announce that I plan to be the first person to travel all the way around Usenet in a hot-air balloon. I will start at the first newsgroup, 3dfx.d3d.drivers, and progress in a zee-ward direction through alt.* and comp.* and sci.* and so on up to zippo.general, at which point I will return to 3dfx.d3d.drivers and attempt to land. Currently my staff is working to secure permission to fly through the many moderated newsgroups, such as alt.aol-sucks.moderated, alt.binaries.celebrities.fake.moderated, and sci.physics.research. Wish me luck in not getting shot down over rec.sport.pro-wrestling.moderated! I would also like to point out that I am taking a year's supply of Pez, although this trip should be completed next week. I like having a balloon filled with Pez. Now, if you'll excuse me, Pezzelin 1 is ready for lift-off! -- K. VROOM! WHOOSH! ZOOM! (Yes, all hot-air balloons make supersonic turbine noises, at least when you're a billionaire.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Bad Idea. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 08:30:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just drained an almost-empty glue bottle into an almost-full glue bottle by putting one on top of the other upside down, like ketchup, only without that special plastic hole that Lillian Vernon sells for doing it for stupid people. I just put one bottle on top of the other. The problem is it's kind of hard to cap the bottles now that they're glued together. -- K. The good news is that I don't need any glue anyway! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Brain Failure. Clear the area immediately. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 07:11:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Remember when Jaffo posted proof that Jaffo was ST00PID because he forgot to rinse the shampoo out of his hair? Well, today I was making some microwave popcorn during a commercial in Mystery Science Theater 3000 ("Hobgoblins"). It turned out kind of stale, but that's beside the point. When I put the stupid bag of Orville Redenbacher's "Redenbudders" artificially flavored color-enhanced yellow-like popcorn into the microwave, I punched in "5:00" (I didn't type the colon, just 5-0-0) and hit "Start". Nothing happened and I wondered why. Then I noticed the door was wide open. I AM THE REASON THERE IS A SAFETY INTERLOCK EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK IN THE HOUSE OF TOMORROW! (Bill Gates has a safety interlock on his bed.) I should like to point out, as I have done before, that if I had wanted six or seven minutes I would have punched in "5:55" or "6:66" respectively. However, for five or eight minutes I will not do "4:44" or "7:77" -- the finger motion those save is offset by the fact that the food will overcook or undercook up to sixteen seconds instead of six. Thus, I have demonstrated that the amount of energy it takes to move a human finger half an inch can cook food for between six and sixteen seconds. QED. -- K. Also, Orville Redenbacher is having an affair with Mrs. Butterworth. A very messy, not to mention sticky, affair. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.fan.tom-servo:14555 alt.religion.kibology:222226 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.tom-servo Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Brain Failure. Clear the area immediately. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998 03:34:28 GMT References: <3687592c.1532370@news-f.std.com> Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0a015.std.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor X-Newsreader: Archimedes Plutonium's Electric Velcro Lines: 37 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I should like to point out, as I have done before, that if I had wanted > > six or seven minutes I would have punched in "5:55" or "6:66" respectively. > > However, for five or eight minutes I will not do "4:44" or "7:77" -- the > > finger motion those save is offset by the fact that the food will overcook > > or undercook up to sixteen seconds instead of six. Thus, I have > > demonstrated that the amount of energy it takes to move a human finger > > half an inch can cook food for between six and sixteen seconds. QED. > > AUGH! Kibo has unwittingly revealed why I wear no pants! > Friction causes fire! Pants are fire hazards! Kibo, please hurry and > invent a sprinkler system for pants that does not include the special > chemicals added to the pre-moistened tissues that come with the new > urinal-shaped PEZ dispensers! You need to read H. G. Wells's "The New Accelerator", if you haven't already. Not only is it about how friction sets pants on fire, it also inspired the episode of "The Wild Wild Wild Wild Wild Wild West" which inspired "The Wizard Of Speed & Time". In the story, H. G. Well spends all his time running around naked because he burned his pants away, and then at the end he sets Spot on fire by throwing him through an umbrella at supersonic speed. Then his son becomes Ensign Greenbean! Alternatively, you could just use the bidet with your pants still on. Also note the mathematical progression implied if you substitute Trident gum for the Pez: bidet < trident < quadradadent < quintadadadadent -- K. (Cut to Marcel Duchamp riding a unicycle shaped like a bidet.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Brain Failure. Clear the area immediately. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 10:24:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jaffo (jaffo@jaffo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Remember when Jaffo posted proof that Jaffo was ST00PID because he forgot > > to rinse the shampoo out of his hair? > > I'm ready for 1999 now. I have proof that Kibo actually read one of > my posts. Wrong! In a court of law, all you can prove is that I know that you said you were ST00PID in all caps except for the O's which were in binary! I might have just gleaned the content of that message by assumption after I saw the "Subject:" header ("Proof that Jaffo is ST00PID") and said "Hey, my killfile's not working right. And I knew he was ST00PID in all caps with zeros for ohs. I will assume he doesn't know how to operate shampoo." > I've waited the entire year for this. > > Well, okay, actually I've waited the entire year for Shania Twain to > get naked for a prominent men's magazine. > > But that thing about Kibo was on my mind, too. > > At least I'm not in his killfile. Or at least I WASN'T, six months > ago when I wrote that. The fastest way to get into a mean person's killfile is to loudly point out that you're not in their killfile. > But wait. Maybe I've sucked a lot worse since then and I'm in his > killfile NOW, so I would be getting all happy for nothing. Did anyone hear a noise in here? Like a microscopic invisible silent insectoid paramecium flying around. > Whew. Glad I caught that in time. I almost gained a little > SELF-ESTEEM there. Don't worry, if that happens I'll just repost your first ten Usenet articles. Then you'll get your followups from me! But only to stuff you said years ago, which will make me older and smarter than you! -- K. Go watch TV. I think they're almost up to the "PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS" scene. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Content Advisory: This Site Contains Content. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 08:51:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Just for the HELL of it (HELL HELL HELL) I'm filling out the RSAC form for generating a kid-safe-ness rating for my Web site (www.kibo.com). This is my favorite question so far: > Moving through the list below in order from top to bottom, please click > the first button of the content descriptor that applies to your content. > Does your content portray: > > (v4) wanton, gratuitous violence No, because Spot only dies when he deserves it. > (v4) extreme blood and gore No, because Spot is too small to contain excess gore. > (v4) rape No, because nobody mentioned on my site has any sexual functionality, especially in Club 91. > (v3) blood and gore This would be a problematic question for the Red Cross if Al Gore ever visits Liz Dole while she's collecting blood. > (v3) intentional aggressive violence Naah, I only punched out all those people by accident. > (v3) death to human beings Death TO human beings? I'M GONNA KILL TO YOU!!! I'M GONNA PUT A KILL IN AN ENVELOPE AND MAIL IT TO YOU AND THEN YOU'LL TO DIE!!! > (v2) the destruction of realistic objects with an implied social presence This is the most fascinating question. Do I ever blow up any inanimate objects that are among our country's movers and shakers? > (v1) injury to human beings OW! THIS QUESTIONNAIRE GAVE ME A HEADACHE!!! > (v1) the death of non-human beings resulting from natural acts or accidents Well, I was about to choose that one, but I don't think any of Spot's hundreds of deaths has been from a _natural_ act. > (v1) damage to or disappearance of realistic objects? So when your crazy old uncle pulls a nickel out of your ear and makes it disappear, he's being violent against you, or against the nickel? Against Thomas Jefferson? > (v0) sports violence Like when Wile E. Coyote gets hit on the head with a bowling ball dropped from a Clarke orbit. > (v0) none of the above I SWEAR MY SITE IS EMPTY. KIDS ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO SEE EMPTY SITES AND/OR SPORTS VIOLENCE WHICH IS THE SAME THING. Anyway, because I'm fundamentally honest, I think that "(v1) the death of non-human beings resulting from natural acts or accidents" is probably the most relevant. They don't have a category for Spot, "(vx) God hates Spot." Also, in the language category, I picked "mild expletives" which is the same score as "non-sexual anatomical references", "mild terms for bodily functions", and -- believe it or not -- "slang". "slang" is language badness "L1", while "none of the above" is "L0"). I said there was no sex, not even kissing, on my Web site, because my Web site is so well-adjusted that it thinks that KISSING IS ICKY! Also, I said there was no frontal nudity. (I didn't count the picture of Animal 57, as it was wearing a glass aquarium.) So now they've given me my very own Platform Independent Content Selector: Gee, I don't see why I couldn't just have put a note on my site which says in actual English, "Warning! Spot gets crushed a lot. Ask your parents!" "Now Danny, remember, while surfing, don't look at any sites that have S greater than or equal to 2 and/or have a total of N plus S plus V plus L greater than or equal to 4 after factoring in the no-fudge factor." I should also point out that the N (nudity), S (sex), V (violence), and L (language) scales go from 0 to 4, so I expect we will start seeing porn sites labelling themselves "(n 10 s 10 v 10 l 11)" to attract perverts. Hell, I just said the word "porn". Waah, my PICS-Label is ruined!!! -- K. And how come there's no B (bozosity) category? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Disney Dollars Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:48:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, here's the new economic model for alt.religion.kibology: 1.) At any refreshment stand within alt.religion.kibology you may freely convert regular boring money into Kibology Dollars at a one-to-one exchange rate. 2.) Alt.religion.kibology closes for the weekend the moment you change your money to Kibology Dollars. 3.) Then you have to fly back to some stupid city that doesn't take Kibology Dollars. Thus, we can make money even at the 1:1 exchange rate, because you have to factor stupidity into the left and my genius into the right. -- K. Do Disney Dollars work in the slot machines at Disneyland? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Disturbing Commercial #9658. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 11:05:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Do you ever get the feeling that all the Ad Men decided about five years ago that TV commercials would only stick in our brains unless they had deliberately unintentional-seeming disturbing catchphrases? ("It's like toilet paper for your cat!") Today's example: The gaggle of ads for the American Family Publishers' Sweepstakes junk mail. These are TV commercials for junk mail that wants you to send back your form so that they can add you to the "THERE'S A LIVE ONE AT THIS ADDRESS" roster. (You know, like that junk E-mail that says "Send the word 'remove' to pleasespammesomemore.com to inform us that you personally read this spam.") Now, for years and years American Family Publishers' has used Ed McMahon's face (and also Dick Clark's in past years, just like TV's "TV's Super Bloopers And New Practical Jokes") on the envelope to remind old people that this junk mail is better than all the other sweepstakes junk mail (Reader's Digest, etc.) because it has a smiling old person on it, the way they put a smiling dog on dog food and a smiling baby on baby food. Do the ads say "Look for the envelope that has ED'S FACE on it!"? No, they say "WATCH FOR ED'S HEAD!" Okay, fine. So Ed McMahon and Jayne Mansfield and Isadora Duncan are zipping down the highway in their silver Spyder and they crash into Kelsey Grammer driving NBC's "Viper", and Ed is decapitated by one of the flying panes of glass from a late-eighties "Movie Of The Week" logo, then Ed's head bounces in through the front window of a split-level ranch home and lands in some little old lady's lap and she says, "WOW! I WON!" At least, that's what it makes me THINK will happen. Strike THINK, insert WISH. Also note that the graphic on the envelopes has Ed's head in the center of a dartboard! Poor Ed. He used to have such a dignified career, sitting twenty feet to the side of Johnny Carson while amusing himself quietly and occasionally acknowledging Johnny's existence. Now he's gone from holding up cans of Smiling Dog between Johnny's segments to being the smiling dog. -- K. Remember how in the fifties there was a kids' show that had the opening title painted on the top of Ed's head? I am not making this up. He was a clown back then. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: dot-eye-cue Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:26:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor You know, what with the U.S. just blowing up a bunch of their military installations again, you'd think Saddam Hussein would have something better to complain about than "We don't have Internet access because of the U.N. economic sanctions." Just think -- if Iraq gets on the Internet, we're going to start seeing posts from Iraqi newsbies using cheap imitation WebTVs. The ironic part of this is that all their E-mail addresses would end with ".webtv.IQ" and everyone would think they were really brainy. (By the way, last I saw, the .IQ domain's nameserver was in Texas.) So I say to prevent this from happening, (1) We must bomb Iraq some more, and (2) We must blow up WebTV! -- K. I'm still jealous of the guy who thought of claiming www.aq. (.AQ is Antarctica.) "The Weinermobile is a vehicle with a large imitation hot dog on top." -- CNN Headline News just now ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.cereal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:25:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A TV commercial comes on during the morning cartoons. It shows a bowl of sugar-coated cardboard flakes and asks, "HOW DO THEY CRAM ALL THAT GRAHAM?" and then there's a power failure and the TV explodes in the darkness. (pause) A BOZO will say, "Yeah, how DO they cram all that graham?" A NORMAL will say, "WHY do they cram all that graham?" A KIBOLOGIST will say, "WHERE do they cram all that graham, and where are the incriminating photographs?" If you are not a Bozo, Normal, or Kibologist, then you need to watch more cartoons every morning until you become at least one of the three. Also, graham crackers were invented to inhibit masturbation in boys. I am not making this up. (And when I was in Sunday school snacktime was ALWAYS Kool-Aid and graham crackers. Did Sid & Marty Krofft also design the Kool-Aid pitcher to inhibit normal sexuality? I suspect that they did, because, hey, "The Bugaloos".) -- K. Why does the new "Fantasy Island" have wacky music playing during all the serious scenes? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.cereal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1998 05:05:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Allen (103127.355@compuserve.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > In academics, you cite sources. No, no, that's Outside academics, you sight sources. Inside academics, it's too dark to see. HOW THE PAJAMAS GOT INTO THE ACADEMIC I'LL NEVER KNOW! Now I'll slip out of these wet pants and into a dry martini. Say the secret woid and winna hunnerd dollars! And an enema! "Groucho, this man is dead. An enema won't help!" Well, it couldn't hoit! > > In Usenet, it works differently. Kibo just says "I am not making this up". > > I remember reading that somewhere too, but I don't remember where. I invented that catchphrase at the same time I was inventing the smiley with my other hand. I am not making this up. I am completely uncreative and I cannot lie. The following sentence is false. You will not give me a million dollars. > Wow, I just joined a thread started by Kibo. This is as close to nerd > heaven as being included in the Oracularities (which I've also had > happen). It's fun here in Nerd Heaven. Especially because I put up a big sign saying "NO NERDS ALLOWED" so it's filled only with nerds who think they're COOL. You know, the ones who use Linux. "You'll be having dinner with Groucho TONIGHT if you don't shut up!" -- Homer Simpson Come to Nerd Heaven. At Nerd Heaven, Groucho Marx always eats free! -- K. And at Denny's, Hitler always eats free! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 06:54:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, graham crackers were invented to inhibit masturbation in boys. > > I am not making this up. > > I remember a cereal called "S.W. Graham" and the box sang praises of > how graham crackers were the most wholesome food in the universe. > All this time I just figured other food was just more risque. Yes, especially the cereal with holes in it. And those new Trix with the little banana shapes. NEVER MIX THEM WITH CHEERIOS!!! > In academics, you cite sources. In Usenet, it works differently. > Kibo just says "I am not making this up". This proves that he is > not the same person as Archimedes Plutonium because he admits to > making everything up. I admit to making up everything except Archimedes Plutonium and the stuff about cereals that don't make you masturbate the way regular cereals do. > I'd like to hear more about how the inventors figured that a new > type of yummy cracker could curb wanking. Then you would probably enjoy the fact-based, enema-oriented movie "The Road To Wellville", in which Matthew Broderick gets 573 different enemas from Dr. Kellogg. Alas, the movie doesn't go into detail about the feud between the Kellogg brothers over who had the right to make corn flakes, although I do recall that it does show C. W. Post dropping in on Dr. Kellogg's sanitarium to rip off the recipe for granola. Then, if you've enjoyed that movie, you should enjoy other fine movies by Alan Parker, such as "Bugsy Malone", in while Scott Baio sings and dances while spraying whipped cream at other kids dressed like gangsters riding Flintstone cars while the whipped cream hardens into cement and Scott Baio sounds like Paul Williams, and not the good one who hung around with Philip K. Dick but the one who was on "Babylon 5". Finally, these Alan Parker movies should demonstrate conclusively that there are things which can prevent orgasm for up to three weeks after exposure, especially if you see them on a big screen. -- K. I was going to say something about pens that write on butter but this post is Freudian enough. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 07:04:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor All right, here's another way to spot a Kibologist with the help of your faithful friend, television. A commercial comes on for the Fisher Space Pen and the announcer explains that it writes on butter, underwater, and in outer space. A BOZO would say, "Wow! I want one!" A NORMAL would say, "Why would anyone write on their butter?" A KIBOLOGIST would buy one then hop aboard a Space Shuttle, fill it with water, and start writing on a stick of butter underwater in outerspace. THERE ARE NO OTHER CHOICES. IF YOU SAID, "Change the channel, Mom!" YOU WILL BE FIRST AGAINST THE WALL WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES, AND WE HAVE MACHINE GUNS THAT CAN WRITE OUR NAMES IN BUTTER!!! -- K. SQUIBSQUIBSQUIBSQUIBSQUIBSQUIB!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: I LOVE YOU ALL! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:08:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'd just like to remind everyone on alt.religion.kibology that while I may sometimes appear outwardly bitter and mean and cruel and generally evil, I really do love all of you. Even the guy who lives with his parents and the guy who's really old and that gal who uses a WebTV and that guy who refuses to explain any of my science-fiction TV jokes now that he has a PhD and no longer has to do any science work. Collectively, I love those of you who are newbies, I love those of you who are old farts, I love those of you who are both, I love those of you who are neither. I love the crazy people too. I love that guy who wants to blow up the Moon to cure AIDS, and that guy who wants to soft-land the Moon to prove that he loves coconut, and that woman who is obsessed with blotches and ninkers, and even that guy who keeps saying things about the Little Brown Dwarf that nobody can understand, even in outer space. I love the people who decided that there should be 45 minutes of commercials in every 90-minute "Star Trek" rerun on the Sci-Fi channel, and I love the people who created NBC's "seaQuest DSV", and I love the people who cancelled NBC's "seaQuest DSV", and I even love the idiots who love NBC's "seaQuest DSV". I love "Small Wonder", I love "Space: 1999", I love "Battlestar: Galactica", and I love "Galactica: 1980" and "Battlestar Galactica: The Movie" most of all. I love Hair Like Vegetable Soup, I love durians, I love asafetida, I love Mentos, Orbitz, Zima, and Pez, and I love the rich buttery taste of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter all by itself. Now let's all hug so I can spray all of you with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter at the same time. -- K. And Magic Shell. You people look like you could use some Magic Shell. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I LOVE YOU ALL! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 07:00:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'd just like to remind everyone on alt.religion.kibology that while > > I may sometimes appear outwardly bitter and mean and cruel and generally > > evil, I really do love all of you. > > I'll bet he'll never admit to loving Desi Arnaz Jr., though. Okay, if I have to choose between loving everyone and hating everyone, the existence of Desi Arnaz Jr. forces me to HATE YOU ALL. It's Little Ricky's fault I DON'T LIKE YOU ANY MORE! Though I do still like fried okra. -- K. Anagrams prove that KARO syrup is OKRA slime! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: JESUS H. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 06:42:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "It's like toilet paper for your cat!" -- TV commercial Please tell me I don't have to review this for my Web site. -- K. Also the commercial has Standard Cat Meow #1 (1979) in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: JESUS H. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 12:16:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also the commercial has Standard Cat Meow #1 (1979) in it. > > "Who is Kibo?" > > "Kibo can enumerate meows." > > "Cooooool." Also, unlike Catholicism, Kibology allows for cardinalization of meows. That gal with the big gun will now shoot you before you can say something confusing 'ordinal' and 'ordination'. -- K. Nobody ever shoots me, because I'm Kibo! And if nobody ever shoots you, it's because you're NOT Kibo! And everyone shoots Chevy Chase! I hope. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Man Of The Year, 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 11:18:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just realized that I don't know who Time magazine's Man Of The Year 1998 is, nor do I care. I lost all faith in them when they started having non- people as the Man Of The Year, like in the early eighties when computers were invented and the Man Of The Year was "The Computer", or in the mid-eighties when it was "The Woman" during that year when women became equal to men. I suppose this year they could pick an actual newsmaker, and not a capitalized common noun, as the Man Of The Year. They could go with Bill Clinton or Monica Lewinsky or Bill Gates or Furby, but in all four cases they'd have to print that little box they have whenever they select someone other than Mother Theresa, "The Man Of The Year is selected to represent the person who was in the news the most, not someone anyone likes. In 1938, we picked HITLER!!! And we still don't admit we ever liked him!!!" But I do know that next year they'll have a non-person on the cover, because the 1999 Man Of The Year is going to be "The Y2K Bug". And they'll have a cover illustration of this big preying mantis made out of semicircles cut out of ridged construction paper with a big scary human mouth pasted on. I like that the Y2K bug accounts for about 20% of all TV news now because it's fascinating that we finally have a major news story that is actually (a) content free AND (b) has no visuals at the same time. They're supposed to either pick a non-story that has pictures (an apple much like THESE ONES AT YOUR LOCAL SUPERMARKET might have once had Alar on it!) or a real story that doesn't have pictures (there's a BUDGET PROBLEM SOMEWHERE IN THE GOVERNMENT!) but it's so much fun to watch them tackling something paranoid without the substance or the visuals to merit so much air time. Plus, it's a technical computer-related story, so it's even more fun watching the anchors trying to say words like "ROM BIOS". Given that the TV news hasn't yet discovered the potential of "A COUPLE OF WACKOS SAY THE MILLENNIUM ACTUALLY STARTS IN 2001, NOT 2000, BECAUSE THE FIRST CENTURY WAS 1 TO 100!" stories yet, when they make a token attempt at this AFTER the enormous party on December 31, 1999 everyone will laugh. But of course they'll do that anyway because everyone knows the millennium is determined by whenever all the computers in the world explode. And I stand by my assertion: Anyone who says the 20th century is the years 1901-2000, not 1900-1999, is going to be called A CRAZY PERSON, especially on TV. TV ALWAYS MAKES SANE PEOPLE SEEM EVEN CRAZIER THAN BOZOS THINK THEY ARE!! -- K. Has anyone proposed putting all the Government's computers on an airplane and flying them all west around the world for twenty-four hours so that they can stay ahead of midnight the whole way and just skip January 1? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Man Of The Year, 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:48:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just wrote: > > [...] next year [Time will] have a non-person on the cover, > because the 1999 Man Of The Year is going to be "The Y2K Bug". CNN Headline News (aka Time magazine) just told me that Lake Superior State University has published a list of "banished" words which is topped with "Y2K". I think we should set up a special island with razor-wire around it where all the banished words can live normal lives as far away from me as possible. We can send Y2K there with so many others, and soon. Just let me keep my "doidy". -- K. Meanwhile, Lake Inferior State University just renamed their football team "The Y2Ks". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Mike Jittlov's getting his Web site up and running at last... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1998 08:36:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Yeah, I know I'm not the first to break the news to alt.fan.mike-jittlov. BUT I'M THE LOUDEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also I was the one who told Mike that some Web browsers allow animated background images, hence his little moving starfield (which gives me a craving for 7-up.) Sorry. ------------------------------------------------> http://www.wizworld.com (Note: there should be exactly five "w"s in that address. Or ten "u"s.) The site is still being worked on. Among the things you MAY or MAY NOT learn the answers to on the site: "Jittlov?" Who are you? What IS all this? Where is this movie? Where's a soundtrack CD? Do you have any logo T-shirts? How do you make special effects? Where are the WoSaT desktop icons? Do you have any more free software? Why does this look like a Christmas tree? How did your Jittlov Font crash my computer? How do you turn OFF the animated background-gif? Why do you want to leave Hollywood and go to Norway? How come the Internet Movie Database gives your low-budget movie a higher rating than megabuck Hollywood epics? Why aren't you married and/or making more movies? (Hey, don't blame me if it's a little asymmetrical, for some reason when I pasted it in, it skewed like Matlock's Q score.) Be sure to look for the tiny, well-hidden link to make the background stars swim around vertiginously, and click on the large obvious poster-shaped link to read an advertisement for autographed posters which may actually be larger than the posters themselves. You can also see, up close and personal, Mike's evil Mickey Mouse-shaped death ray laser satellite and incredibly rare and precious Sugar Smacks box showing Mr. Spock looking uncomfortable at being the stand-in for Dig 'Em The Talking Frog With No Remaining Teeth. And, of course, there are lots of other action photos of Mike (pick up your computer and wave it back and forth real fast to simulate ACTUAL ACTION!) and links to several other recommended Web sites, except for mine, which for some reason is hidden directly between the words "IRWIN ALLEN" and "ALBERT EINSTEIN". Check out Mike's Web site and you'll say, "HEY! I didn't know Web browsers could display fluorescent lettering!" -- K. Then when you're through memorizing Mike's site, head on over to mine and soothe your eyes on my restful text-oriented pages. I'll let you guess the URL: It rhymes with "double you double you double you dot KIBO dot BOMB." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Norwegian chocolate (now with correctly spelled subject line.) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:36:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor To the good people in alt.fan.mike-jittlov -- and the rest of 'em too -- Mike sent me some Norwegian candy bars. Norwegian chocolate tastes a lot like British chocolate, except the wrappers have funny nonsense words on them like "KVIKK LUNSJ" which kind of makes up for the waxiness. He told me that tonight he and his mom have been stringing up persimmons around the house to dry. Lots of them. I suggested they could all be replaced with one durian. -- K. Also, we reminisced for a while about the Adams Novelties 99c magic tricks we had when we were kids which were about as difficult to perform as any of David Copperfield's (except you put a cigarette in and push the button instead of putting a girl in and pushing a button) except that Mike had some weird kind of cigarette guillotine that actually COULD hurt his finger. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "seaQuest" Cap Gets Me Noticed -- Part 2 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 10:15:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.tv.seaquest, Leigh Hanlon (lthanlon@enteract.com) wrote: > > Last night, I was walking through the parking lot at my friendly > neighborhood Osco Drug when an older woman approached me, pointed at my > "seaQuest" cap with no small amount of anger and began *screaming* at me in > an Eastern European language (probably Polish). > > I'm wondering: Did the Nazis use a blue triangle to identify any group > placed in concentration camps? No, but Hitler did have an elite troop of commandos called "The SeaQuest Brigade" (usually called "the SQ") whose insignia was a hammerhead shark swimming through a blue swastika. This woman probably just mistook you for an evil person because you like "seaQuest". -- K. The reverse happens to me all the time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.dreams.lucid,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: #80 The End Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:10:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.dreams.lucid, "Mauvey" (twodar@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > When I use the United States Flag as a Symbol to calculate > a "lie" percentage, I come up with the following % figure: If 9-1/2 > people are lied to, that would make 95% were told lies. And the person who told the half a person a whole lie was a Kibologist. By the way, did you ever figure out who was behind all those blockers and nitches? I tried to look out my window for blockers and nitches but all I saw was this huge opaque rectangle covering the whole sky, with some little cubbyholes in it. So I didn't see any blockers or nitches. > By October 1996, I evaluated all the lies that were said to me. > The words of a person who I would call "A Drug Specialist" were: > "Medicine is a game!" IT SURE AIN'T BRAIN SURGERY!!! > There was also an aura speaking: "I make more money > withholding effective medicines. My Job is to cut my Mother's > throat. Sorry, honey, but I win...you lost!" You know, you would be no fun at all on "The Newlywed Game". And I can just imagine that if I ever go to Hell, you will be my celebrity partner on "Password". "Blockers..." > To me the man was saying: "Iam Goddamn, Goddamn Iam > The Prince of Lies. I sit Second to God, and God knows exactly > who I am." > I live in an Era where a person's simple search for Truth can > turn into a modern-day venture like looking for the Holy Grail. > If I can not find Truth here, I know that I could always travel > to the Heavens. > I prayed with both hands to go where the Devil's brigade and > the Angels meet. Yes, to go inside Heaven's Gate where GOD > cups his hands and caress us all. But only if you're wearing black Nikes with the white swoosh. > So, I again prepared for another trip. I gathered a curse to fill one > hand (which could already be someone else's prayer). "May you die > the way you murder," and in the other I carried a prayer (that could > be someone else's curse). "May your lies be like tattoos and printed > all over your body." Cool! That means that Kurt Vonnegut has the Star Spangled Banner printed all over his flabby old butt! > In a finger snap, I was there standing before His Magnificence. > The Big Man, the Lord Himself, stood ten feet before me. > God looked at me and asked, "Where's the White Horse?" > "Oh," I briefly pondered and remembered the White Horse. > The Lord had given me a White Horse and said: "Should you > get off the White Horse for any reason, it will be your DOOM. > You'll not come back a thief twice." > Quickly, I replied, "I didn't get off the White Horse. It disappeared. > It was stolen. The Death Rider has it now." I clearly remembered > the day that the mount disappeared. I had placed my ear to the > ground and I could feel the vibrations of the horse's hoofs as the > rider approached. I could hear the approaching Rider say: "You > lost the cold war. You lost the cold war." > I quickly explained: "When DEATH appeared, it came like a herd > of speeding, stampeding horses and ran over my counterpart. > My poor soul mate lay there almost dead. There was only a > tiny spark of life. I could see by the dust cloud that the herd had > circled and was now waiting on the high hill to the right. They were > waiting to stampede again." > God said, "So." > I couldn't understand what God was saying when He Spoke. So? (By the way, it's a bad sign when you talk to God and He flips you off.) > HIS words placed me beside myself. "So," I blurted. "So, is > something that I would expect from a mere mortal. Certainly, not > from the likes of YOU." Again I pointed to the horses standing > on the high hill and asked, "Don't you see those horses?" > God lifted his arm. By each horse appeared a standing soldier. > Each soldier was holding a horse's mane high. Both a horse and > a soldier stood at the top of the hill to which I was pointing. > God turned to me, saying, "I'll give you the Brown Ass." EE-YADDA-DADDA, DADDA-DADDA-DADDA, DEE-YADDA-DADDA-DADDA, EE-YADDA-DADDA-DADDA, I'LL GIVE YOU THE BROWN ASS, NOWWWWW ONNNN SAAAAALE AAAAAT SEARS!!!! > I shrugged my shoulders, and God pointed to the Angels asking, > "How do the Angels sing?" The Angels all clothed in white had > gathered, "Sing soft sweet and low." Again God asked: "Where > do the Angels go?" Again the Angels harmonized, "To Truth > what do you think Jesus was all about?" > Then God slightly moved his hand backward, and the hill became > a full circle. I saw many horses standing at the top of the full circle, > but I woke before I saw if each standing horse had a soldier. Never mind that, what color were their asses? -- K. And stop making fun of Roy Scheider! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 6 deaths and responsibilities of our city public library personnel. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 10:46:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > BPL's security book inspection and information department's: > 1. special library assistant5 Paul Rossetti, > 2. special library assistant1 Douglas Caraganis, > 3. special library assistant1 James Gill and > > 4. city public library departmental desk personnel > 5. BPL president Bernie Margolis, > 6. program development analyst Dana Rizzotti and > 7. Hall's Security Analyst uniformed city public library guards Wait, that's seven people! MY GOD! DON KILLED ANOTHER PERSON WHILE MAKING THIS POST! He's rubbed out seven Boston Public Library bigwigs so far... won't someone please stop him before he kills the rest of them? DON, PLEASE DON'T BLOW UP THE BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY! THERE WOULD BE READER'S DIGEST CONDENSED BOOKS ALL OVER TOWN! -- K. Also it wouldn't have much effect given that all the books are mis-shelved anyway. Mostly by Don. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A further explanation Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:36:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Syadoz" (meanmeso@roanoke.infi.net) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin) writes: > > > > > > "Jabberjaw": Everything is underwater and in the future because it's the > > > future Underwater United States of Underwater America in Underwater 2076 > > > A.D. so naturally there's a talking hark who says Rodney Dangerfield's tag > > > line in a Curly the Stooge voice. > > > > > > Wait, let me read that again. I'm sure it followed the schema. > > > > IWPTA [I wackyparsed that as] "sh'ma". So instead there's a big stupid > > shark speaking Hebrew underwater in the future in a Curly the Stooge voice, Wait... one of the Stooges was Jewish? Also, do you just call him Curly THE Stooge to keep me from getting confused with Curly The French Fries, from Taco The Bell and The Burger King? I WILL NOT MENTION PIZZA THE HUT BECAUSE I WILL NOT STOOP TO STEALING LAME MATERIAL FROM MEL BROOKS'S "SPACEBALLS", ESPECIALLY ALL THE SCENES WITH JANE BADLER, OR ANY OF THE STUFF WITH JERRY SEINFELD'S DAD AS THE ROBOT. > > with special guest star Bela Lugosi as future underwater Dracula wearing a > > star of David medallion, so when someone holds up a cross to him he says > > "Oy, have YOU got the wrong vampire". > > I usually dislike the vampire genre, but I really enjoy this vampire cartoon > you are describing, "Forever Knight Ridder". I get a kick out of that Welsh > Israeli vampire queen, Bala Cynwydd Lugosi, voiced by Tony Curtis. Melanie > Griffith is the one who bites him first. I like how the vampire wants to > become human, to get away from Melanie Griffith and her posse, so he decides > to become a cop. > > Armenio Banderas does the voice of Cynwydd's crime fighting partner, Xander. > So sad, when he died last week of a heart attack. > > I wonder who they will get as a replacement. The rumor is that the new cop > will be called Buffy, and they are considering either Peter Scolari or Anissa > Jones for the voiceover. > > Tom Cruise does the voice of Cynwydd's boss, Officer Krupke. > > I also really like how Bala rides around in a talking squad car. The car is > really his deceased lover, Kip. Remember when they introduced Tom Hanks' > voicover in that episode, "My Lover the Car"? > > Also Bala has some of the nicest hair. I wonder if it is real or if he > borrowed it from Shatner. > > Also, I really like it when they are fighting crime, and those twin clown cars > come out. > > This is such a cute cartoon You forgot that when the talking car turns into the two clown cars, it can only do it when the two clown cars are nowhere near each other. Also there has to be this fake fake Wesley Crusher guy named "SeaQuest" because he wears a little vial around his neck containing Roy Scheider's ashes. > > Also, I finally saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. For the first > > time. Ever. This weekend. Did you see the director's cut, or the tee-vee one where they took out all the scenes where the Oompa-Loompas get naked? I remember when I was a kid that that movie made me cry and cry and that was just the typography. -- K. YAAAAAGH! FLEXITRONING ART NOVEAU LETTERS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.torture,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Alka Seltzer Tablets w/enema Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 09:04:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.torture, "kitty cat" (kittycat35@webtv.net) wrote: > > Anyone ever done this? What, put an entire message in the "Subject:" header? Oh, you mean, has anyone ever had an Alka Seltzer enema? I think that Dr. Alexander Abian would qualify, as the yellow ("raspberry") flavor of Orbitz is basically stale Alka-Seltzer. I should point out that at the time (Feburary 12, 1997) it was described in the science newsgroups as "a near-fatal Orbitz enema" so I recommend that you not try to replicate this experiment -- there's a risk that you could end up dead, or worse, like Dr. Abian. See these two articles from a year and three-quarters ago for full details. ///////// re-run zone /// re-run zone /// re-run zone /// re-run zone ///////// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: JETLAG IS A NEUROLOGICAL EFFECT NOT CAUSED BY TIME ZONES Newsgroups: sci.physics, sci.astro, sci.math, alt.religion.kibology Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 12 Feb 1997 11:51:48 GMT In sci.physics, sci.astro, and sci.math, Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > Abian declares: > > [...] > Jet lag occurs because, when traveling at high speeds at high altitude, > the brain EXPERIENCES MORE TIME than it would had it been stationary > at sea-level for the same length of earth-clock-time. THIS is why we > feel tired after flying. We have actually been awake for longer than we > think. Banish the earth-clock on long travels, and the body will reject > the fraud of "jet lag". Better yet, take the clock on the plane with you, and throw it out the window, so that you can see time fly! (confetti falls and dancing girls parade across the stage as John Williams conducts 78 trombones playing the Womp Womp Overture. Kibo bows, gracefully exposing his genius to all. There is a five-minute pause before Abian gets the funny funny pun, as he is suffering from a phrenological condition which causes joke lag.) > Alexander Abian: Equivalence of Mass and Time (1990) > Albert Einstein: Equivalence of Mass and Energy (1905) > THERE WAS NO BIG BANG. THERE WAS A BIG SUCK INTO THE VOID OF SPACE (1995) I hear Harlan Ellison once met Alexander Abian, and Dr. Abian said "What would you say to a Big Suck?" and Harlan said, "Hello, big suck!" > WE MUST JOLT THE PLANET EARTH INTO A NEW ORBIT. IF JOLTING OF THE > PLANET EARTH REQUIRES THE BLOWING UP THE MOON OR BLASTING THE > MOON INTO PIECES OR AT LEAST JOLTING THE MOON IN ORDER TO JOLT THE > PLANET EARTH - SO BE IT (1990). WE MUST DESTROY THE EARTH TO MOVE THE MOON TO PREVENT COOTIES ON EARTH. OR ELSE AT LEAST BRING BACK NBC'S "SUPERTRAIN". > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > ABIAN MASS-TIME EQUIVALENCE FORMULA m = Mo(1-exp(T/(kT-Mo))) Abian units. > ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT AND TILT - STOP GLOBAL DISASTERS AND EPIDEMICS > ALTER THE SOLAR SYSTEM. REORBIT VENUS INTO A NEAR EARTH-LIKE ORBIT > TO CREATE A BORN AGAIN EARTH (1990) GIVE ABIAN A NEAR-FATAL ORBITZ ENEMA TO CREATE A POLKA-DOTTED TICKLE ME ELMO -- K. Now it's *your* job to explain my phlezofiglic theorem to Dr. Abian. From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: JETLAG IS A NEUROLOGICAL EFFECT NOT CAUSED BY TIME ZONES ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 05:57:36 GMT Doctorb Science wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > > > > > WE MUST JOLT THE PLANET EARTH INTO A NEW ORBIT. IF JOLTING OF THE > > > PLANET EARTH REQUIRES THE BLOWING UP THE MOON OR BLASTING THE > > > MOON INTO PIECES OR AT LEAST JOLTING THE MOON IN ORDER TO JOLT THE > > > PLANET EARTH - SO BE IT (1990). > > > > WE MUST DESTROY THE EARTH TO MOVE THE MOON TO PREVENT COOTIES ON EARTH. > > OR ELSE AT LEAST BRING BACK NBC'S "SUPERTRAIN". > > WE MUST USE HIGH-ENERGY LASERS TO CARVE THE NAME "ABIAN" INTO THE MOON > BEFORE BLOWING UP THE SEKRIT MOON NUCLEAR ROCKET BASE AND SMASHING THE MOON > INTO THE EARTH TO TURN THE PACIFIC OCEAN INTO JOLT COLA. SO LET IT BE > WRITTEN, SO LET IT BE DONE (1999). We must also install gigantic dams and locks to keep the Jolt Cola ocean from mixing with the O.K. Soda ocean and the Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda ocean. Also we must change the combination on Loch Ness. > > GIVE ABIAN A NEAR-FATAL ORBITZ ENEMA TO CREATE A POLKA-DOTTED TICKLE ME ELMO > > Can't touch this. Word! > > -- K. > > Now it's *your* job to explain my > > phlezofiglic theorem to Dr. Abian. > > Well, maybe if we gave Abian a near-fatal orbitz enema and then his body > heat differential made him into a kind of opaque lava lamp, then that would > be worth the effort. Nobody would beable to see it, and therefore every > individual lump of orbitz would SIMULTANEOUSLY BE GOING UP AND DOWN, AT THE > SAME TIME!!!!!11!!! AS I AM DOING, NOW!!1!!!! " " Quantum Cola Presents: SCHRODINGER'S ORBITZ. Drink it down, it's coming right up! It's got dots that float and umlauts that hover! Comes in five fruity flavors: PaLE BoYSeNBErrY BLu3 RAzBErrY D0T BaNaNa PLaZmA TIM3-WaRP TICKLe-mE ELB0W MaCARoNIUM NEuTR0N0UGaT and D0UBL3 aBIaN LuNaR BLAsT " " Increase your energy state, drink Schrodinger's Orbitz before it drinks you! -- K. There's also a flavor of crunchy new KibOs(TM) named for Dr. Abian: SUPER FLAKY ABIAN 'N NUTS ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: ATM Envelope Warning! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 11:37:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.kids, jroos@my-dejanews.com, who has no Real Name, wrote: > > Don't know if this is true or not, but make sure you check them before you > lick and tell your kids! > > [massively forwarded urban legend believed by paranoid bozos begins; > I've deleted several entreaties along the lines of "FORWARD THIS TO > ALL THE PEOPLE YOU BELIEVE ARE YOUR FRIENDS, THIS IS NO JOKE!"] > > >> >Some SICK INDIVIDUAL is putting massive "hits" of LSD on the > >> >deposit > >> >envelopes at automatic teller machines ("ATM"'s)!!! Yes, by all means, be SURE TO TELL YOUR KIDS THAT THEY CAN GET FREE DRUGS AT THE BANK!!! QUICK, KIDS, TO THE BANK!!! PEOPLE ARE GIVING AWAY HUGE QUANTITIES OF EXPENSIVE DRUGS!!! > >> >The drug is absorbed through the saliva glands simply by licking > >> >the > >> >envelope. With your armpit. > >> >Unsuspecting people are being caught unawares and are "tripping > >> >out" without even knowing it! It's an experience so subtle you won't even notice it! Now THAT'S a head trip! > >> >Let me repeat this: These envelopes are laced with DRUGS. If you > >> >or your > >> >child gets any of the above, do not handle them. These are known > >> >to react > >> >quickly and some are laced with strychnine, which may cause > >> >irreversible > >> >brain damage in some cases. The drug is ADDICTIVE and, in the > >> >quantities > >> >contained in the above items, can cause children and adults to > >> >become > >> >additcts!!! And in even high quandtitites it can cause adtuldts to become addticdts! > >> >According to news reports, a college student in Alabama fell victim > >> > to this > >> >horrible hoax when he managed to lick three such envelopes after > >> >forgetting > >> >to include all of his parents' checks on his way to a job > >> >interview... SO REMEMBER KIDS, NEVER GO TO JOB INTERVIEWS!!! > >> >physicians have estimated he consumed over ten times > >> >the amount > >> >someone of his body weight could handle. Of course he didn't get > >> >the job. > >> > His future is destroyed not to mention the years of therapy he'll > >> >need to > >> >stop the terrible flashbacks!!! Therapy stops flashbacks? I thought harp music and ripply glass in front of the lens stopped them. > >> >It aslo happened to a subway operator who had to stop his train > >> >between > >> >stations (underground) when he thought he was going crazy. If he had been REALLY crazy, he would have stopped the subway train between stations (at fifty thousand feet)! > >> >A spokesman for Chase Manhattan says that his bank is considering > >> >switching > >> >to "lickless" envelopes, but says that right now, it costs to much > >> >to make > >> >the changeover. This is crazy! You MUST write to your Congress > >> >member NOW, > >> >and DEMAND that they pass legislation REQUIRING the use of lickless > >> >envelopes at ALL financial institutions! You're life may depend > >> >on it!!! SO WRITE LETTERS TO ALL YOUR CONGRESSMEN TODAY AND BE SURE TO LICK THE ENVELOPE ALL OVER BEFORE YOU MAIL IT!!! > >> >As it is, officials can't keep up with the problem. The chief > >> >research > >> >scientist at the Chemical Dependency Research Institute,emphasized > >> >that > >> >"it's easy to mix up a batch of liquid LSD. The chemicals you need > >> >can be > >> >stolen from any high school chemistry lab." I guess they haven't been in most high schools yet. Ours had a bottle of salt and a box of lint. > >> >The National Drug Center has had reports flooding in from all > >> >around the > >> >country. Be assured, this is NO JOKE. Rule of thumb: Anything which says "THIS IS NO JOKE" in four places is a LIE. > >> >Real people are getting sick Oh no! Not Skip Stephenson! Sarah Purcell! Peter Billingsley! Fred Willard! -- K. This reminds me, I gotta deposit some checks tomorrow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:13:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Go to www.kibo.com and look under "Download Big Files", and I should point > > out that 1997 Volume 1 (ark1997a.pdf) is a big file. It's about fourteen > > megabytes. As always, Adobe Acrobat Reader version 3 (or later) is > > required to read it. > > After downloading this monster, finding that it didn't read very well with > version 2.1 of Acrobat, downloading a version 3.0 of Acrobat, paging > through ALL of the Desi Arnaz I could ever want, frog pornography, and > mannequinner torture, I noted that the following pages had some photo > problems: pgs 5, 79, 155, 163, 209, and 270. Now all the pictures in the > index over on the side were fine, but the big pictures on these pages had > a varying degree of problems. Did I not get a clean download or did > anyone else notice anything funny? Besides the posts that is. Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, just because it says your six favorite photos are corrupt but not the pornography section. My original assertion that this is all due to Dean's clumsy oafishness still stands, although I have managed to replicate the exact problem (it saying something about an unexpected end of picture on page 5 and Martin Landau coming out bright blue) on two computers. I am currently developing a theory as to how Dean's oafish clumsiness is breaking all our computers. Also, I'm re-uploading the file now just in case for some reason six cosmic rays changed one bit in each of the six pictures without altering the file's overall checksum to make Acrobat complain that it's corrupt while somehow also magically changing the corresponding bits in my FTP server to make my computer think the file has uploaded correctly. (Do not attempt to download the book until about 7 A.M. Eastern time because I am about to swap the old and new copies.) Anyway, my apologies to Dean about him being a clumsy oaf. Dean, I am sorry that you are a clumsy oaf. Also, your fingerprints are non-kosher 'cause you're so ham-fisted. Now stop screwing up my computer! How am I supposed to write a story about a stupid dead dog named Snuggles when you keep screwing up my computer, Scoob ol' buddy ol' pal? -- K. I'll bet you a dollar the re-uploaded clean copy has the same problems on page 5 even though it STILL uploads and downloads fine on MY computer. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:31:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor All right, I've re-uploaded the 343-page 1997 "A" alt.religion.kibology volume, and after uploading all 13.7 megabytes (which may be more or less depending on whether you computer thinks a megabyte is 1000x1000 or 1000x1024 or 1024x1024) and then downloading them all again it worked absolutely fine for me, page 5 shows Martin Landau with a healthy pink halftone and not fluorescent blue skin of death. So please let me know if your Martin Landau is still a funny color on page 5. Please burn all existing copies and download the new version and if Martin Landau is still blue, well, that'll be HIS problem from now on. To download the book with your Web browser, go to: http://www.kibo.com/kiboarch/ (PLEASE read the instructions at the top of the page! Save the file to disk rather that trying to look at it within the Web browser, because most Web browsers have trouble viewing 13.7-megabyte documents directly from the Web.) Or, to download via FTP (if you don't trust your Web browser with PDFs): ftp://ftp.std.com/pub/alt.religion.kibology/ark1997a.pdf (PLEASE set your FTP to binary mode!) (And in both cases, you MUST MUST MUST use Acrobat Reader version 3, version 2 will NEVER EVER NEVER NAIVER NURVER NOOVER work!) -- K. For extra credit, find (a) the secret Masonic power word and (b) the word that blows up the whole Universe hidden in the book. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 12:13:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor This is technically very weird. After successfully re-uploading the book, I did a hexadecimal dump ('od -x') of both copies and compared them ('diff'). (Interestingly, each of the two 'od -x' commands took far longer than 'diff' on this big computer. The two hex dumps were 86 megabytes total.) The comparison shows that three changes happened, in a very peculiar pattern: kibo@world /usr/tmp/k 7 Semprini> diff new old | more 35950,35951c35950,35951 < 2143420 25c8 addf 4c62 09b3 6be7 0b19 7453 7b7e < 2143440 9ed6 7d76 82f5 8a27 1783 f3fb 6e3c 105c --- > 2143420 25c8 addf 4c62 09b3 6be7 0b19 7453 0000 > 2143440 0001 7d76 82f5 8a27 1783 f3fb 6e3c 105c 42162,42163c42162,42163 < 2445520 0064 90a0 8149 c185 b744 b363 6eeb 48ce < 2445540 77fe 5226 d5be 3528 85f0 1778 90bc 7350 --- > 2445520 0064 90a0 8149 c185 b744 b363 6eeb 0000 > 2445540 0001 5226 d5be 3528 85f0 1778 90bc 7350 131694,131695c131694,131695 < 0023420 5a8e 52fa a6d5 91ef f14a 11d1 9a4b fa99 < 0023440 b0b9 4eb5 98fe 7551 2830 bfb6 6d75 ad50 --- > 0023420 5a8e 52fa a6d5 91ef f14a 11d1 9a4b 0000 > 0023440 0001 4eb5 98fe 7551 2830 bfb6 6d75 ad50 I.e. in three cases a longword got set to '0000 0001' at an address of xxxxxx3E. I did the two uploads exactly the same way both times. I suspect the bug's some weird flaky Open Transport thing at my end because if it was in the FTP server here people would have noticed long ago. Anyway, those of you who have copies of the corrupt book with the blue Martin Landau can apply the three patches shown above to fix it. -- K. I can see people in 2098: "For sale, INCREDIBLY RARE alt.religion.kibology book with BLUE MARTIN LANDAU, asking $5 or BEST OFFER!!!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dr. Scott, UHF 68, Los Angeles, Saturday 11pm Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 08:27:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > So I'm flipping -- no, actually it'd be dialing, through the stations on > my junky old Toshiba blackstripe (not the same as fruit stripe) TV. So if a zebra is the mascot for Fruit Stripe gum, does this mean a rainbow tetra is the mascot for Black Stripe TVs? Why would you want to advertise a TV as having a black stripe across the screen, anyway? Is it a diagonal stripe? That would be kind of fun. You could watch someone you don't like and shout "I'm *NOT* watching you! You're *NOT* on my TV set! You are *NOT* smoking!" > And I come across this old guy on UHF 68. John Silber! > He's setting back, smoking a cigar, > and talking... very... deliberately... > ... about the pyramids... and their secrets... and the > book of enoch... and the Christians... and Jesus. > > So this goes on for maybe 20mins or so, and I'm actually listening because > the pace at which he speaks is sort relaxing. I could easily fall asleep > to the lucidly insane mumblings of this dysfunctional grandfather like > fellow. But then he pauses, his eyes scan around a bit. He grabs another > cigar, puts it in his mouth, and continues to speak on about the pyramids > or something. > > He's trying to light the cigar with one of the plastic disposable > lighters, but the lighter appears to be out of fluid. All the while he's > continuing on about the pyramids -- speaking deliberately and slowly, but > his gaze is focused entirely upon the task of getting the cigar lit. He > sets down the plastic lighter, and then grabs something else from out of > view on his right side. He pulls it up to the cigar, and it is now > obvious that this is also a lighter. He moves around a bit and then it > becomes obvious that it's not just any old lighter, but one of those > hand-grenade replica lighters. I missed it, I was watching Cartoon Network. For the commercials. Anyway, I am guessing it was John Silber. For the uninitiated: WABU-68 is Boston's only remaining Really Independent TV station, now that all the others are affiliated with high-profile networks like UPN or The WB or Pax. Channel 68 was formerly owned by the Christian Scientists and now it's owned by Boston University, which is a big step up -- college students are better at running TV stations than rich churches founded on the premise that if you close your eyes and wish really hard your amputated leg will reappear with Jesus's autograph on it. > At which point I fell over laughing onto the floor, all by myself, alone > in my new home. But now that you've told us you're no longer rolling around on your floor alone by yourself like the pathetic alone-floor-roller you are. Now we're also mentally touching your floor with random parts of our bodies! You have brought us all together and I would hug you if I weren't the only one here who was above this sort of exercise. Does it bother anyone else that while the Cartoon Network has "The Tex Avery Show", consisting entirely of classic cartoons by Tex Avery, a local re-run channel has "The Wacky World Of Tex Avery", a very badly-animated *new* cartoon featuring characters he never drew performing poorly-drawn under- animated unfunny non-actions? One of the characters is named "Tex Avery", so apparently that's the connection, at least in their minds... THEIR WACKY MIND OF NOT TEX AVERY. Tex Avery is a saint for proving that exploding eyeballs are funny. -- K. Did the grenade guy also have another plastic grenade on his desk with a "1" on the pin and "TAKE A NUMBER" on the base? And then did he offer to show you photos of his Pride & Joy? By the way, I know you said you were talking about L.A. channel 68, not Boston channel 68, but you're posting from world.std.com in Boston so I know you're lying. Plus at 11pm tonight WABU-68 here was showing "Mounties: Missing alcohol causes a dispute", which sounds especially funny if we pretend Dr. Gene Scott and his holy hand grenade were in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:44:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Keep in mind my parents are out. > > I went into the extra fridge we have in the garage, to get a Hot > Pocket for a quick lunch. > > I opened the fridge to get a Mountain Dew from same, Mmm, Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew. I don't think you needed to specify mention your parents aren't home. > but the light didn't go on. And the cans didn't seem all that cold. But you had no idea why because the little light above your head didn't go on. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! I'm sorry, I keep confusing you with Spot. I think it's because you used the words "Mountain Dew" in a sentence. Please forgive me. > I opened the freezer and everything was close to room temperature. In an absolute sense when taking the entire Universe into account! Yaaaaah! > Panic. There's a lot of food in there. OH NO THERE'S FOOD IN THE FREEZER! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! > I took out the tamales my mom spent eons making, But eons ago the Universe was thousands of degrees warmer, so the tamales should already be acclimated to it, especially if they've evolved a rudimentary intelligence by now. > and the TV dinners, and put them in the working freezer. So, you had two freezers, and everything fits in one, but you put half of it in the broken freezer in the garage just to have stuff to talk about on the Internet? > I don't know whether they're any good anymore. I didn't see > anything green growing on them. OH NO!!! THERE IS GREEN ORGANIC MATTER IN MY MIXED VEGETABLES!!! > There was also a tupperware thing full of this meat and this sauce > and stuff. There were also many many Hot Pockets wrapped in plastic; > we got a 12-pack of Ham and Cheese. I left them. I'll take the six ham ones off your hands, but I won't touch the six cheese. > My brother was in the living room playing football on his Super NES. Ah, Super NES, the first stage of WebTV infection. > I told him that the freezer was off, hoping he would know what to do, > how to get it back on, and which food items could be saved. He has > a life, he knows what girls feel like, Does he own a VIC-20, by any chance? > he has to know this. > > He, in turn, probably thought, "he has no life, he knows how to > program computers, he has to have everything under control." > > He told me to call my parents. I didn't know where the phone numbers > were so I panicked. You know, this morning I saw the "Happy Days" episode where Joanie and Chachi are at home alone with Ritchie Junior (this was a very late episode) while Howard and Marion and Fonzie and Lori Beth were on vacation and Roger was conveniently missing from the whole episode and Ralph and Ritchie were in the offscreen army, and the boiler in the basement broke and Joanie had to call a repairman and he charged her $200 and when Howard and Marion came home they YELLED AT HER FOR SPENDING MONEY JUST TO FIX THE HOUSE, and also for USING THE BLANK CHECK THAT THEY LEFT HER FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY. I suggest you find your parents' blank check and write yourself a ticket to Rio. It's nice this time of year. > Then, he pointed out to me that they were > driving from Ohio to New York all day. Which, of course, made me > feel better that I didn't have to find a phone number. But now I > was completely on my own here. > > See, both of us were clueless and I was the only one who was even > slightly concerned that a decision had to be made about WHAT TO DO > WITH THE FOOD, and the wrong decision could result in FOOD POISONING. > And throwing away the tamales would mean throwing away at least a > FULL DAY of my mother's time. It's the ultimate weapon! I have invented a guy that makes people make tamales and then makes them go bad to DESTROY TWENTY-FOUR HOURS! Yay! I just wrote an episode of Doctor Who! > My brother turned the breakers and stuff so it works again. And > most of the stuff _I'M_ going to eat will be in the microwave for > slightly longer than usual before I eat it. > > I just hope the food poisoning kicks in BEFORE New Year's Eve. What? You don't want it to kick in right when you're about to go back to work the next day? -- K. I do! I'm mean. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:11:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > Keep in mind my parents are out. > > So you "borrowed" your dad's antique sportscar without > permission to go pick up a red-headed hooker, while 2 wacky > burglars try to break into your home. Wait... the burglars in that movie were supposed to be wacky? I thought it was a horror movie. I kept having nighmares about this overpaid spoiled little brat hitting people in the head with anvils and spraying them with a garden hose filled with sulfuric acid and jamming them into his furnace boiler and stuff. It was like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon with all the brainy stuff taken out! > [re: broken freezer] > > > Simple rule: Were the icecubes all melted? > > If not, don't worry about the food, you caught it in time. > > If so, consider the food to have been thawed. > Oho, so you're trying to use Reversed Tags to make the rest of us look bozotic. Well, I'll just have to counter everything you say from now on by putting around it, to make you big baby rebozo. Note that this does not entitle you to be the bad guy on "Super Force" -- that was G. Gordon Liddy. I think Bebe Rebozo now works as a K-Mart greeter, the world's least-skilled job. Except for writing Wile E. Coyote cartoons. I mean, they kept cheating once they ran out of ideas halfway through the first cartoon. (SHOT OF ROCK FALLING DIRECTLY TOWARDS ROAD RUNNER) (SHOT OF WILE E. COYOTE A MILE AWAY WATCHING ROCK FALLING TOWARDS ROAD RUNNER) (SHOT OF ROAD RUNNER LOOKING DIRECTLY UPWARDS AT ROCK DIRECTLY ABOVE ROAD RUNNER AS CIRCULAR SHADOW GROWS AROUND ROAD RUNNER) (SHOT OF ROCK LANDING ON WILE E. COYOTE) (REPEAT SIX TIMES) THE END. -- K. Also, for some reason, I always think the Road Runner is a girl. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:17:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > > > Simple rule: Were the icecubes all melted? > > > > If not, don't worry about the food, you caught it in time. > > I suspect if there were ice cubes in there, they would have melted. Oh no! Nick's subjunctive ice cubes were ruined! So was the seven-layer rainbow meat loaf he COULD have spent a week preparing! The week that didn't happen was RUINED even though it didn't happen! This reminds me, in 1991 I posted that I had my tongue stuck to the inside of my freezer and I asked for help, and none of you people were around then to help me (except for Henry Churchyard, and he was no help either) so please pretend that my tongue has now been stuck to the freezer for eight years. This was the freezer which was next to the stove that had mice living in it, by the way. A couple weeks ago (about five apartments later) they installed a new REALLY HUGE fridge here because they got tired of complaints along the lines of "This fridge sucks, it's older than I am, and I'm in my thirties" but just to annoy me the new one is a left-hand-drive model and now every time I go into the kitchen while I'm still asleep I try to open the smooth, featureless, unimpeachable side of the door and the fridge silently mocks me with its enantiomorphosity. -- K. One neat thing about a.r.k around Christmas 1998: Most of the "regulars" are posting more than usual (except for Lee Bumgarner) and the other people are taking a week off, so with just ten of us here each posting ten articles a day it feels like 1991. Except for the cascades and .sig virii, yay! I am having a flashback to when a.r.k was much smaller and more concentratedly bozotic, like the WB network. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:58:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > And your clubs are all icky because you don't allow gurlz. I was > > pleased and excited to be called a "regular" by Kibo, though, which is > > better than being called a "decaf" or a "worker bee-slash-drone". > > And since you're regular, you don't have to take the special > kibological laxatives, unless you really want to! Yay! > > [...] > > BUT I'M TAKING MY POTS WITH ME! SO I CAN BANG THEM TOGETHER WHILE I WAIT! Kibology is like a beautiful girl sitting on a toilet banging pots and pan together. Not that I am assuming the two of you must be beautiful. But I *know* you're sitting on the toilet as you read alt.religion.kibology. Then later you go back to vacuuming the rug in high heels and pearls. -- K. Then the six Brady kids plus Cousin Oliver run into the room and they all shout "NO MORE BACON!". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:54:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) writes: > > > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) says: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > ... so with just ten of us here each posting ten articles > > > > a day it feels like 1991. > > > > > > NOT ANY MORE!!!!!!!!! > > > > > > -Matt McIrvin, proud Club 91 non-member > > > YOU CAN NO LONGER CENSOR MY VIEWS BY REVELING IN NOT READING THEM! Hey! You're not allowed to read the Club 91 membership roster to determine that you're not in Club 91! Go back to the other meeting room where Dungeons & Dragons & Math Club 92 is meeting! I hear that in the Dungeons & Dragons & Math Club 92, everyone gets to be Vice President. > > No, but we -can- not Invite you to the new Club we just found on the floor, > > I mean formed. Dave, don't let anyone know I told you this, but last night I actually set up a new secret club, with its own logo and its own Web site and stuff, and secret weekly activities that automatically change every week, but I can't let anyone join it yet because this club requires use of a secret new Web server which isn't available to the public, so you can only join the secret new club if you guess the URL, the port number, the password, and the point. That reminds me, I need to go back and add that thingie to the Web page that checks to see if your name begins with "Mc" and ends with "Irvin" and, if so, redirect you to the Dungeons & Dragons & Math Club 92 meeting in the Boston Public Library where Don Saklad forces all three members to follow Robert's Rules Of Order as well as Don's Rules Of Orbitz. > And your clubs are all icky because you don't allow gurlz. I was > pleased and excited to be called a "regular" by Kibo, though, which is > better than being called a "decaf" or a "worker bee-slash-drone". "STACIA WORKS IN CYBERSPACE B BACKSLASH DOT COM ALL DAY LONG..." GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! STACIA JUST HURT ME WITHOUT MEANING TO!!! > > Dave "Matt's cuter than Kibo because of the Red Beard. But he's taken, > > AvocadoLass. Or was when last we heard from him, anyway." DeLaney > > Who's taken? Because it would make a lot of difference to me. I call dibs on everyone who's not taken! I am calling the special secret version of Code Adam for grownups and so I can claim all the good-looking people before leaving this virtual WalMart! > I think I'm starting to see why people are trying to fix me and Nick and > beable and sometimes Alex S00ter up... because I'm acting pretty damn > desperate. But, as I said over dinner tonight, "I've never met a hornier > bunch of persons than the ones on ark." Fortunately, dinner was just with > me, the cats, and the Men of the Weather Channel fanfic. Fan-fiction about the Weather Channel? Wow. That's more pathetic than those "Space: 1999" fan-fics that explain what happened to Barry Morse between the two seasons, unless it fails to mention the phrase "killer soap suds". Which somehow I doubt. -- K. Then at the end they realize the soap suds were just trying to tell the Moon that it needed a bath! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: GM to offer escape handle for children trapped in car trunk Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:46:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ackthp@my-dejanews.com, whose Real Name is unlisted, wrote: > > Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > > > GM To Offer Escape Handle For Children Trapped In Car Trunk Waah! I bought a new GM car and they forgot to include any children! > In related news, Brinks has begun selling tissue-paper straitjackets. I believe you just wrote the entire script of "The Masked Magician's Greatest Secrets Revealed 5". I am still mad at the Masked Magician (who normally calls himself Valentino during his lame show in Vegas) for giving the WRONG strait-jacket explanation in the first episode. As the narrator (Mitch Pileggi) explained he was dislocating his shoulder to laboriously work his arm around behind his neck to undo the buckle, etc., all those of us who know how to do the real trick and the difference between a real jacket and a bad magician's gimmicked jacket were laughing -- you could tell he had one of the stretchy flyweight ones with the special grips inside the sleeves he could let go of to make the sleeves go slack because, and this is an incredibly obvious sign that it's a "magic jacket" and not a real one, there was a big gap between the top buckle (in back) and the next one. This is because it's too hard for the sissy Masked Magician to reach the small of his back EVEN THOUGH AFTER HE LETS GO OF THE HAND GRIPS THE TISSUE-PAPER-LIKE STRAIGHT JACKET BASICALLY FALLS OFF ANYWAY! MARTIN LANDAU CAN DO IT A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN THE MASKED MAGICIAN!!! Is this the third or fourth time I've beaten this point into the ground? WELL, GOOD!!! -- K. I hear that in the next special he's going to explain the "Pride & Joy" trick. If I am a broken record, why won't they list me in Guinness? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Help for Kibo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 00:52:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > > > ------=_NextPart_000_0011_01BE2FFF.4BB87BA0 > > > Content-Type: text/plain; > > > charset="iso-8859-1" > > > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > HEY EVERYONE LEAH VERRE GOT A WEBTV FOR CHRISTMAS!!! > > Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > [...] > > Stop picking on me, you bigasstpotsie. What is a tpotsie? Is that a secret reference to the Teapot Sea on the border of the Plain Of Jars where they filmed "The Prisoner"? > I mean, call me OLD FASHIONED and all, but uh, I believe this is fucking > CHRISTMAS, and you're supposed to be, if memory serves, FRIKKIN NICE TO YOUR > FELLOW MAN AND/OR WO-MAN. I'm sorry, Leah. i still wuv you. I STILL WUV YOU IN ALL CAPS! I STILL *W*U*V* YOU IN ALL CAPS WITH UNNECESSARY ASTERISKS! I STILL DOUBLE YOU YOU VEE (BUT NOT DOUBLE DOUBLE YOU VEE) YOU IN THE INTERNATIONAL PHONETIC ALPHABET INVENTED BY THAT ZAMENHOF GUY WHO MADE UP ESPERANTO ALL BY HIMSELF! > Outlook EXPRESS RULEZ BABEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! > If you keep making fun of my KICKASS newsreader I'm going to put my next > post into big kickass 45D Fuschia with lots of these things --->*%%%%<-- and > make them blink at the exact frequency of a siezuriffic pokemon and FRY > Y'ALL'S BRANES. But then when you post Hi everybody! This sentence is in a really pretty girly typeface that isn't a plain old typewriter font and it's in a very special color which is completely unlike boring black!Also to be nice I didn't use any tags anywhere in this message! then only you will be able to see it and the rest of us will just see Hi everybody! This sentence is in a really pretty girly typeface that isn't a plain old typewriter font and it's in a very special color which is completely unlike boring black!Also to be nice I didn't use any tags anywhere in this message! > Then you'll respect me. > > You watch. > > Leah %%**&&&= > Verre &&&####= You misspelled "Leah %25%25%2A%2A&&&=3D
Verre &&&%23%23%23%23=3D". I impugn your puny gobbledygook-generation abilities! -- K. Aaaare youuuu freeeeaking out yet? Doooo youuuuu feeeeeeeeell boxed innnn annnnnd spaaaaaced out? P.S. I had to write this twice because the first time, Leah's message crashed my computer, and then while writing it again I felt like I was going to throw up because I just ate nine bowls of dry Cheerios and I don't have anything to drink but I didn't want to have to do this a third time so I wrote this instead of throwing up so I hope you're happy that you kept me occupied when God had intended me to be barfing. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.cereal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Help for Kibo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998 03:15:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Back when I was BBSing, I was on a system that allowed one to "flag" > lines in their messages so that everyone except one specified user > would see them. One SPECIFIED user? That's no fun! I want to be able to say something that everyone except one UNSPECIFIED person can read! And that person would see the alternate version of the text, which would say: "HA HA YOU'RE AN UNSPECIFIED PERSON! YOUR NAME IS LEGALLY CHANGED TO JOHN DOE! EVEN IF YOU USED TO BE A GIRL, YOU PERSON OF NO NAME AND NO GENDER AND NO HAIR!" But that's just because I'm in a mean mood because it's Christmas and my typeface is five sizes two small! > > I felt like I was going to throw up because I just ate nine bowls of dry > > Cheerios and I don't have anything to drink > > Hey, how about coating the cereal with dehydrated milk so you'd only > have to spit in your bowl a lot? Oh wait, it's been done. Then whby hasn't Kellogg's thought of marketing little cardboard boxes containing an envelope with half a bowl of cereal plus a little bag of ultra-pasteurized spit for two dollars because Mommy really loves you but she doesn't have time to supervise you as you pour your own damn milk from the community milk carton so you have to eat the special pre-packaged kids-box-of-cereal-and-milk-already-mixed-together-including- a-special-plastic-spoon-that-Mommy-won't-wash for only two lousy bucks? I mean, first there was the peanut butter with the grape jelly stripes in it. And then there was single-serving microwavable popcorn with the artificial yellow salt already on it. Now there are little bricks containing a quarter-ounce of Stupid Flakes and a Baggie of no-refrigeration- needed fossilized milk to allow you to show your love for your kids through neglect. Someone on a.r.k said last year, "Wow! Mom made microwave popcorn! She loves us!" (Sorry, I can't find the reference, I must have imagined your article.) This trend of TV commercials and supermarket "convenience" foods that all carry the message "It's okay to neglect your kids as long as you give them really crappy food!" -- all directed at women -- are just slightly starting to bother me. Like, there's one where the mom is home alone with her little kid, and everyone knows that women are only motivated to actually cook when there's a hunky man around. So she's about to make the kid a FROZEN PIZZA when the kid holds up a drawing from school and says "Look, Mommy, I drawded you a pitcher!" and Mom oohs over it and to reward the kid she puts away the frozen pizza and instead the kid gets A BOWL OF CAMPBELL'S SOLID PINK "TOMATO" SOUP for lunch. This is love in the same sense that this is nutrition. Lumpless flesh-colored soup. Remember how Campbell's tried to use the slogan "Soup Is Good Food" for a few months until enough dieticians complained that that was an outright lie in the case of Campbell's watery slime? Remember how they got busted for always showing pictures of soup with the few measly pathetic little veggie bits standing on the surface of the soup because the bowls were always filled with GLASS MARBLES to hold up the little fragments of orange-gray carrots and caved-in peas? In this Bizarro Universe where moms express love through neglect and malnutritious microwaved meals, when children are bad, they must be punished by being given A FULL MEAL!!! WITH DESSERT!!! This is all Andy Warhol's fault for choosing to put the world's lamest soup, Campbell's "tomato", on that canvas instead of something with ingredients in it and which does not increase in nutrition a hundredfold when you crumble a cracker into it. POP CULTURE, I HATE YOU!!! -- K. And I repeat: "Herb", the ill-thought-out Burger King anti-mascot in the mid-eighties, looked exactly like Andy Warhol without the Einstein fright wig. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.archaeology,sci.engr,soc.history,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Hot water; the invention of Re: historical progression of every important invention; archeology's biggest research project Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 10:26:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.archaeology, sci.engr, and soc.history, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > In this chart of important inventions would be hot water. The > repeatable technology to produce hot water. It does not have to be > a-lot of hot water but only a flask full. I think hot water was > discovered early on in human history. And I'm sure that if you keep up with your research in your "laboratory" you might someday re-discover the recipe. > [...] Pour it over someone who likes hot water on them and soon you > have a pre-history industry of making hot water. It would suck to be Someone Who Loves Having Hot Water Poured Over Them before it was invented, wouldn't it? > An aside story in my own life related to the above. No... I don't believe it... I'm reading along in the middle of this article by Archimedes Plutonium, about cavemen making warm water, and what were the chances that Archie could turn the topic to himself? I am amazed by this stunning display of a non-sequitur disguises as a segue. And it allows us to further refine our model of Archie's typical missive: "Fire hot! Fire burns! blah blah blah blah I like mittens!" What makes Archie a super-genius is the "blah blah blah" part. > In my youth, my > father bought these beautiful blue Royal Copenhagen mugs. They were so > pretty you were scared to drink out of them for fear of breaking or > chipping them. No, I was scared to drink out of your mugs for fear of catching a communicable form of stupidity. > Later I got plastic pitchers and used those as mugs for > drinking or eating cereal. So let's see. Archie told rec.bicycles.tech that he likes to eat spaghetti out of paper cups, and now he's told sci.archaeology that he likes to eat cereal out of plastic pitchers. Let's start a betting pool. I'll put five dollars on him next telling the chess newsgroup that he likes to eat powdered sugar off of bicycle seats. > And then later in life I had a wood burning stove. You see, this article skips seamlessly from one completely irrelevant topic to another in the most nonchalant way possible! Only an absolute genius would be able to do that. I like Pez! > And the problem with that was neither porceloin or plastic were > appropriate but instead, metal cups were the ideal container. > > I am sure that the invention of hot-water did not have to wait until > the invention of metal water containers, but once metal water > containers were available the hot-water industry was boosted. I am so sick and tired of the hot-water industry's monopoly on piping hot water into our homes!!! We should be allowed to make it ourselves!!! -- K. Also supermarkets should sell frozen hot water for convenience!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Indisputable Proof That Jaffo Is Old Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 09:48:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > > > Let's also not allow anyone with the name "Asafoetida". > > For those of you (like me) that have been hearing of the amazing and > powerful asafetida (or asafoetida if you prefer) In India it usually seems to be spelled 'asafoetida', which would be a British-like way of spelling it, but I'm an American Dammit, so I have to spell it 'asafetida'. I say 'ass-uh-FEH-ti-da' and the two Indian-Americans I've asked lately have said 'ass-uh-FOE-ti-da' and 'ass-uh-feh-TEE-da'. I propose we come up with several alternative mispronunciations for it. Also, I need to ask one of my bosses -- the guy who signs paychecks with an "X" -- how to spell it in Tamil. > but didn't ever bother to look it up assuming it was just another word > Kibo made up, I have included the following for you edification. I have never made up a single bloozy word, unless you were just speaking lenortically. > as?a?fet?i?da also as?a?foet?i?da (as?e-fet1i-de) noun > > A brownish, bitter, foul-smelling resinous material obtained from the > roots of several plants of the genus Ferula in the parsley family and > formerly used in medicine. > > [Middle English, from Medieval Latin : asa, gum (from Persian aza, mastic) > + Latin fetida, feminine of fetidus, stinking. See fetid.] Note that it's a collision of an Iranian word and a Latin word. Two evil empires have teamed up to bring you this word for something secretly snuck into your papadum to prevent you from having sex. > People really do eat this shit^H^H^Htuff? Why? I mean look at the root > of this word people! FETID! Doesn't that tell you anything? Remember the thread about how graham crackers keep you from ever having sex after you eat one? Well, asafetida does that too. Brahmins aren't allowed to eat onions or garlic because everyone knows that onions and/or garlic make you sex-crazed. So they have to fill themselves up with asafetida, garlic's retarded little brother. It's actually not bad mixed with a lot of black pepper and used IN TINY QUANTITIES in papadum or curry or stuff. It is actually very bad when used IN SMALL BUT NOT TINY QUANTITIES as the "artificial durian flavor" in those artificial durian sugar wafers I once had that tasted about fifty times worse than that actual durian I had. It is usually sold as a 'compounded' powder, where it's mixed with something like 99.99999999% wheat flower and anti-caking agent so that you can add microscopic quanities of it from a shaker -- and the flour helps keep it visible so you won't accidentally overseason. One company sells it also mixed with tumeric (a.k.a natural yellow dye, fake mustard, and/or fake saffron) as "YELLOW POWDER". (For those who don't know, a pinch of tumeric can turn an entire bathtub fluorescent yellow, much like FD&C Yellow #2.) It is also available in chunk form, where the chunks look like well-polished turds (imagine doggie doo that's been through a rock tumbler -- I assume everyone on alt.religion.kibology has a rock tumbler), dark brown and smooth and glossy yet asymmetrical and with an occasional jagged cavity. These chunks are rock-hard, must be smashed with a hammer, and make your mouth taste like rancid garlic for an hour if you lick one of these evil faux rocks. Asafetida is used for practical jokes in India in much the same way that limburger cheese is. Asafetida in even the smallest quantities can make an entire building (let's say NASA's Vehicle Assembly Building) smell like an open sewer filled with a mixture of doo-doo, rotting flesh, burning garlic, limburger cheese, and asafetida. Yes, asafetida is so stinky that it actually smells worse than itself plus several other things. -- K. Indian recipe: 1 chunk asafetida 10 pounds fresh cilantro 10 pounds hot pepper 10 pounds homemade goat cheese 1 pound caraway seeds with silver foil glued to them any part of a drumstick tree that the Devil has touched Mix well. Makes ice cream. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Indisputable Proof That Jaffo Is Old Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 09:11:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [asafetida] is also available in chunk form, where the chunks look > > like well-polished turds (imagine doggie doo that's been through a rock > > tumbler -- I assume everyone on alt.religion.kibology has a rock tumbler), > > I have to say I've never had a rock tumbler. [I know what one is, but > didn't have time in my FunFilled Childhood for that particular hobby. > Our hobbyroom was covered to a depth of two feet by other various and > sundry games. Still vaguely yearn for a complete Super Spirograph set.] Here, let me complete your childhood fantasy. Step one: [] [] <> [] <> <> <> [] [] <> [] <> [] [] [] Step two: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Step three: () () . () . () . . () . () () . . () . () Step four: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ THE END. -- K. Then the spaceman eats breakfast then he eats lunch then he eats dinner then he goes through the rock tumbler then he goes through the microwave then he goes through the toilet then he eats breakfast then he eats lunch... P.S. I had the 3-D version of the Hyper Spirograph, where you could draw lemniscate deltoids within a block of clear gelatin supersaturated with thiosulfate solution and a nucleating agent YOU could move with any household 500,000,000 oersted magnet! I wrote that sentence just so I could say 'oersted' because that Gauss guy gets way too much credit. I mean, discovering magnetism AND the bump-shaped curve? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Indisputable Proof That Jaffo Is Old Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:38:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Jaffo (jaffo@jaffo.com) writes: > > > > [re Stacia removing some newsgroups from the "Newsgroups:" header > > of this thread] > > > > And yet you decided to LEAVE IN Christnet? The first nine times I looked at that I wackyparsed it as "You decided to LIVE IN Christmas?" IF STACIA GETS TO LIVE IN CHRISTMAS ALL YEAR I WANT TO LIVE IN APRIL FOOL'S DAY ALL THE TIME EXCEPT THE BEGINNING OF APRIL WHEN I WILL LIVE IN MAY DAY! MAY DAY 2000! THE HOLIDAY THAT YOU CAN SHOUT IN A CROWDED THEATER!!! > Keep net in Christnet! Keep istma in Christmas. Except when > not in use, shall keep Christ in polybag. Poor Christ! He was returned to His special container when not in use. He could turn water to wine (WINE DOES NOT ENABLE DRINKER TO GET DRUNK) but refills were sold separately. Jesus not for internal use. May stain fabric and cause skin and/or eye irritation. I wan to know why frogs don't have that tattooed on them: May stain fabric when picked up and squeezed. May cause skin and/or eye warts. Turn frog into prince only with use of a frog-sized dental dam. Always practice safe froggery! Also I think that when the Romans crucified Jesus, it would have been funnier if they had instead put him in Doug Henning's Zig-Zag Woman cabinet. Especially the part where they tickled His feet to prove that they didn't belong to His stunt double. -- K. I WAS JESUS'S STUNT DOUBLE AS TOLD TO WILLIAM SHATNER ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kellogg To Push Upscale Cereal Packaged in Bags Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 10:41:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.materials, Charles Kessler (submissions@net-market.com) adverti^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hposted a newsletter: > > ============================================================ > Packaging Network Newsletter by Bill Noone I used to love those "Family Circus" cartoons where Dad is looking at an advertisement in sci.materials and says "WHO WROTE THIS?" and all the kids say "NOONE!" and there's this round invisible guy giggling in the corner next to NOTME and IDA KNOW and a dozen dead grandparents. > Volume 2 Issue 10 > Tuesday, December 29, 1998 > ============================================================ > > [...] > > 2) Kellogg To Push Upscale Cereal Packaged in Bags > In an effort to revive a soft cereal market, Why would anyone want to buy soft cereal? I like Lucky Charms because the marshmallows are rock-hard, dammit! Would anyone buy Grape Nuts if they were chewable? And what about Weetabix? > Kellogg Co. has announced > plans for an upscale product extension packaged in bags. Mmm, a cereal extension. "Sawdust added for fiber!" > The new Country Inn Specialties line will not feature the Kellogg > name on its packaging nor be marketed as a Kellogg's product. I'm sure I will actually be fooled into thinking this is the same fake Cheerios that the average Vermont Bed'N'Breakfast makes from scratch. And I never knew materials science had so much to do with which cereals were considered upscale! > [...] > > 1) PalletWorld Palletizing Robot Now, I'd have to say that this is a MUCH prettier name than "Country Inn Specialties upscale product extension." > [...] > > 2) CP-922 Automated Random Carton Sealer Guarantees that a different subset of cartons will be sealed every time! > [...] > > 3) Icore Metal Detector/Checkweigher Combo Unit > > The Icore Metal Detector/Checkweigher Combo Unit from Ramsey provides > both checkweighing and metal detection with minimum space requirement > utilizing the new MetalScout IIe metal detector. Wow, that's the version that can do lowercase without needing the 80-column card to be added. I have an ancient General Electric propaganda booklet (donated by Mike Jittlov) titled "THE STORY OF X-RAY". To illustrate the usefulness of X-rays, they show an X-ray of a trayful of peanuts with some large, industrial-size nuts and bolts mixed in. The peanuts are spread out in a single layer. Now, I ask you, who CAN'T see quarter-inch bolts mixed in with peanuts when they're spread out? Maybe the X-raying helps you find the giant bolts in case they're hidden INSIDE a tiny peanut. The photo showing the nuts and bolts sticking out like sore thumbs among the transparent peanuts also has large white arrows drawn on it pointing to the foreign objects, because General Electric not only thinks you're too dumb to tell a bolt from a peanut by eye, but that you can't even do it WITH their X-ray machine. -- K. Next time I go to the hospital I'm gonna eat some peanuts and wingnuts right before drinking the barium milkshake. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kellogg To Push Upscale Cereal Packaged in Bags Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:18:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Yes, I'm following up to my own article. If Archie can do it, I can. I just wrote some silly comments on: > > ============================================================ > Packaging Network Newsletter by Bill Noone > Volume 2 Issue 10 > Tuesday, December 29, 1998 > ============================================================ And now I've written a review of their Web site for a daily newsletter to which I sometimes contribute, because I'm so bankrupt of ideas that I'm getting URLs from spam. Excerpt: --------------------------------------------------------------------------- URL: Packaging Network http://www.packagingnetwork.com Packaging Network is an on-line industry newsletter for people who want to read about machines that put things into boxes. It's a field I seldom think about, yet it touches on so many topics. For instance, the current issue has an article (what some would call "a press release") about Kellogg's attempt to produce "an upscale product extension" of cereals in bags with the Kellogg name removed. You can also see photos of equipment YOU can buy for your factory with fascinating names such as "Model Y1930 Poly Bag Uncuffer" and "PalletWorld Palletizing Robot". ("Kirk to Enterprise, I'm trapped on PalletWorld, and the robots are palletizing me!") And the best article title in the current issue: "Sensory Analysis Tracks Flavor-Package Interactions" I.e. some plastics taste like plastic! > For this particular project, panelist sensitivity and resistance to > "taste fatigue" were key considerations. I.e. only people who don't mind tasting icky things were asked to determine whether this tasted good. (kibo) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The ironic part about that is that because he posted his newsletter about cereal wrappers to the material-science newsgroup, I called it "spam", but now I'm posting a portion of *my* newsletter to the net and I'm calling it "very special". Isn't the above very special? -- K. "Sorry, Spot, you're not very special." "Waah! I'm JUST SPECIAL!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kook Reporting? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:20:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.usenet.kooks, Robert J. Colbert (rjcolbert@home.com) wrote: > > Okay, let's assume that a kook has a somewhat visible, public position in > life. But, they're a kook, and it's very evident. Say they also break some > real-world laws. Is it a bad thing if the kook is reported to their officers > at their public post? The kook also has a "day job," the public office isn't > his/her mainstay. In fact, the public thing is probably 100% non-profit and > non-income for them. They like it. A lot. > > [...] > > I'm pretty sure you guys have already publicly recognized the kook about > whom I am speaking, but I withhold the kook's identity purely because I can. This is about that LSD I sold to one of the Teletubbies, isn't it? > I do, however, appreciate any and all feedback given. I should warn you that the only reason I am responding to your post which does not concern me (unless you know about me selling LSD to Tinky-Winky) is that I harbor some small hope that you are the same Robert Colbert who starred in "The Time Tunnel". Hey, in episode #7, "Revenge of the Gods", when Sergeant Jiggs had to walk all the way from the far end of the Time Tunnel and the scientist said that the Tunnel "goes to infinity!" why did it not take him an infinite amount of time to walk from one end to the other? I think that would have made the show much more exciting and realistic. Also, I understand why James Darren's green sweater had to reappear at the end of every episode, due to physics and stuff, but why did it go "ZONK!" in some episodes and "SPROING!" in others? -- K. So please don't fax anyone about me selling LSD to the Teletubbies because no kook could know so much about The Time Tunnel! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kook Reporting? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:55:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In alt.usenet.kooks, Robert J. Colbert (rjcolbert@home.com) wrote: > > > > > > I do, however, appreciate any and all feedback given. > > > > [...] I harbor some small hope that you are the same Robert Colbert > > who starred in "The Time Tunnel". > > So there are three Robert Colberts: > > 1. The one from "The Time Tunel" > 2. The one who programs Atari 2600 games > 3. This guy. > > That's a lot. I know less Bill Smiths than this. You left out all the Identical Ancestors the one on The Time Tunnel probably had, like how Whit Bissell as General Kirk had a French ancestor named Jay-nay-ral Querque who looked just like him and was even the same age as him at all times, and how Carroll O'Connor was also a general who had an identical ancestor who was also a general in the Revolutionary war. I'm sure Robert Colbert must have had hundreds of identical ancestors throughout time which we never got to see because the show got cancelled so quickly. In fact, because he probably slept with all those beautiful women of the past, some of his identical ancestors were probably his children. We're just lucky he didn't mate with any of the silver people from the future (all people more advanced than us on Irwin Allen shows were covered in metal-flake paint) or there would be a Robert Colbert Jr. running around with half his face painted silver and then he'd be confused with Maxtor, the Mexican pro wrestler who chases people through the giant ant farm on "El Gran Juego de la Oca". You also left out the Robert Colbert who was paired up with Roenrie Colernie in early "Sesame Street" episodes before Jim Henson "came down", and the Robert Colbert who discovered that you could cross Colby cheese with Filbert nuts while working with his partner, Filby. -- K. WE CREATIVE PEOPLE MAKE UP PUNS THAT CLEVER AND COMPLEX ALL THE TIME! WE LIKE OURSELVES AND WE KNOW YOU KNOW IT! MUH! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kook Reporting? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 09:44:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Robert J. Colbert (rjcolbert@home.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I should warn you that the only reason I am responding to your post > > which does not concern me (unless you know about me selling LSD to > > Tinky-Winky) is that I harbor some small hope that you are the same > > Robert Colbert who starred in "The Time Tunnel". > > I think selling LSD to Tinky-Winky might be a good thing to do. I won't > report you. I promise. Anyway, I knew that I couldn't hide my past from you because about three- quarters of the way into the episode, Whit Bissell would say "It's too bad we don't have some way to find out what Kibo did years ago." and then there would be a studious pause and then Lee Meriwether would say, "Wait... this is a Time Tunnel!" and switch on the Time Television screen shaped like a pair of parenthesis. Then they'd watch stock footage from a Hal Roach dinosaur movie for a while, only it would be shown through a brown filter so you wouldn't realize it was in black and white. Everyone knows they only had sepiatone movies back when the dinosaurs were alive! > > Hey, in episode #7, "Revenge of the Gods", when Sergeant Jiggs had to walk > > all the way from the far end of the Time Tunnel and the scientist said that > > the Tunnel "goes to infinity!" why did it not take him an infinite amount > > of time to walk from one end to the other? I think that would have made > > the show much more exciting and realistic. > > So did I, but the producers and director wouldn't allow it. The network > sponsors threatened to pull from the show if we only showed this guy walking > in a tunnel for the rest of time. But, it would have made life easier on the > set. Also, the set of The Time Tunnel was conical despite the fact that it went to infinity. When you chased the evil Robert Duvall behind it that was quite clear, and once Lee Meriwether cut her leg on the point at the far end of it in the episode with the time-traveling pirates. Don't you agree that this makes Irwin Allen a big fat liar? Why didn't his team of scientific advisors help him make it look right? > > Also, I understand why James Darren's green sweater had to reappear at > > the end of every episode, due to physics and stuff, but why did it > > go "ZONK!" in some episodes and "SPROING!" in others? > > Because the sound engineers, knowing of your appreciation for the show and > predicting that you would some day sell LSD to Tinky-Winky gave it a try > first, then invented Tinky-Winky the Teletubbie. But, they did get the > show's sfx all wrong. Sorry about that. Tinky-Winky is an Irwin Allen creation? Hmm. I always wondered what happened to Debbie The Bloop after the first season... Has anyone else ever pointed out that Debbie The Bloop was wearing Spock ears before Spock was ("Lost In Space" premiered before "Star Trek") and also Debbie The Bloop was wearing a fur diaper and Spock wasn't? I think this speaks volumes about Leonard Nimoy's clout. If they had cast Martin Landau as Spock, he might not have been able to refuse to wear the diaper! -- K. Also, if Martin Landau had been Spock, he would have had blue skin. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.math,sci.logic,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New insights from the King of Physics Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:23:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > Hot tip to all anagrammetrists: > > > > You can't spell arCHIMedes Plutonium without CHIMP. > > I would just like to say: > [...] > > I, Mr. "A Loud Usenet Chimp". That's fine for you, but what about Mr. Plutonium? -- K. Now that we've taught chimps sign language and math, we need to try to teach them science so that we can see if any of them become mad scientists and change their names to Banana Bonzonium. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New Years is for Idiots Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 10:20:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.geo.geology, mikejm@westworld.com, who has no Real Name, wrote: > > New Years in geological terms is meaningless. Yeah, but in geological terms, "Space: 1999" is also meaningless. And so are YOU! Ha! I have destroyed your entire geocentric theory! > It is an arbritrary day "All colors are arbitrary." -- Carl Sagan, "Cosmos" (paperback edition) > set aside by a bunch of superstitious Roman religioso's to denote the > passing of another "year". These years are not even properly > calibrated to the sidereal cycle and every four (or so) years must be > recalibrated to satisfy these religious idiots. Worse, every DAY they have to be recalibrated! If these "calendar" things worked we wouldn't have to keep pulling off those sheets with the numbers on them! We'd just put up one stupid Dilbert cartoon and leave it there FOREVER! > This holiday is typically celebrated by drinking excessive amounts of > alcohol, commiting adultury, acts of vandalism, and eating too many > bon bon's in front of the telly. > > Responsible geologists ought to avoid this Pagon celebration. AND IMPEECH REAGON !!!!!1111 > > > o | | o > _ _ _ | | _ _ _ _ > / |/ |/ | | |/_) |/ | / |/ |/ | > | | |_/ |_/ | \_/ |__/ |/ | | |_/ > /| > \| > Today or Tomorrow??TOMATO/TOMOTTO!! Dear "milk eisrc", You spelled "tomato" wrong. Hope this helps! -- K. P.S. Have you met Lee Bumgarner? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Note to future employers Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:43:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > Subject: Note to future employers > > I take document security very seriously. > > I just cut an old credit card into 16 little bits, one for each number, > after scraping the signature off, and burned them over my stove. > > The plastic fumes will not affect my job performance. Note to Louis Nick's future employers: He's lying, the bank cut it up for him. Also, he was using the credit card to arrange "lines" of cocaine and it had residue all over it so the reason he was cooking the card was to freebase, and for safety he was wearing his wife's apron and high heels. Please hire Louis, as he is a very good worker, he can pull levers for hours on end if he has enough credit at the casino. He has never once missed an appointment, because none have been granted, and he has the cleanest fingernails in the world because they're easy to clean when they're that big. He is a tidy person and keeps his jars of urine neat and organized. He has never committed a sin such as having sex. Also, I am not jealous of the fact that he has a credit card. So, can I have his job? -- K. A DEBIT CARD IS BETTER THAN A CREDIT CARD BECAUSE I NEVER HAVE TO PAY THE BILLS, SO I'M COOL! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Nuclear hits on IRAQ Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 10:14:49 GMT Distribution: inet Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In a discussion started by some bozo who thinks the U.S. just dropped nuclear weapons on Iraq, in sci.philosophy.meta, sci.philosophy.tech, sci.physics, and sci.physics.electromag, "Travis" (travis77@concentric.net) wrote: > > [...] > > The government is not that BIG BROTHER a > cop has to enforce a law and they have famlies. In a realted story, topologists have discovered that sometimes it requires MORE than four colors to diagram a sentence. -- K. Whatever happened to the concept of making sense? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Nuclear hits on IRAQ Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:26:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > "Travis" (travis77@concentric.net) wrote: > > > > > > The government is not that BIG BROTHER a > > > cop has to enforce a law and they have famlies. > > > > In a realted story, topologists have discovered that sometimes it requires > > MORE than four colors to diagram a sentence. > > Which also reminds me, that Faulkner wanted to color-code the first > chapter of "The Sound and the Fury" so's that it would be more > understandable. I like that you took the moral high ground and didn't criticize the fact that I mis-typed "related" while commenting on someone's unparsable sentence-like glob of words. > The publishers wouldn't do it. Faulker went ahead and > wrote it all confusing anyways. > Just imagine how different life would be if Faulker and "Travis" could > have had access to four or more colors. If Faulkner were alive today, he's be posting his novels to the Internet from a WebTV, and all the dirty parts would have .... And people would post followups saying "HEY! YOUR NAME LOOKS LIKE AN ANAGRAM BUT IT ISN'T! SIGNED, DAG BENSEMA-LENORT!" > Whatever happened to the concept of making sense? > > I'll tell you that if you tell me what ever happened to the concept of > plain, old fashioned, not mint and not almond and not pastel M&M's. Ha! You're making me feel old-tymey because I can remember the days when you could get PLAIN ROLLER SKATES that weren't even in color and... the wheels... weren't... in... a... straight... line! THEY USED TO HAVE TWO-DIMEONSIONAL ROLLER SKATES, NOW THEY HAVE ONE-DIMENSIONAL ROLLER SKATES! WHY DON'T THEY JUST ELIMINATE THE MIDDLEMAN AND PUT ONLY ONE WHEEL ON EACH FOOT? -- K. I hereby call dibs on the trademark "Uniskaytles". "Only a CIRCUS CLOWN would ride a unicycle with a BIG wheel! We've taken all the FUN of a unicycle and BROUGHT IT HOME! Now you can wear unicycles all day! UNISKAYTLES! UNICYCLES FOR YOUR FEET!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.dreams.lucid From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 07:18:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology and alt.dreams.lucid, "mavvv" (twodar@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...some stuff that elicited a non-sequiturious response...] > > You are a writer, and you probably would be interested in the fact > that the US is filled with people who call their job: Air Sabotage. > How good are you at math? Maybe I was expecting too much when I expected lucid responses from people in alt.dream.lucid. Maybe I just naturally attract these people. Am I wearing a "HONK IF YOU'RE CRAZY" sign on my butt again? > If there are 50 states, and each state hires one person to patrol > the air space against nitches and aircraft blockers. Thirteen (13) > years later, the US air is filled with blockers and nitches. "blockers and nitches": Good folks in alt.religion.kibology, mark your calendars, we've just discovered a new catchphrase. MMM, SMELL THAT FRESH MORNING AIR FILLED WITH BLOCKERS AND NITCHES!!! OH NO! MY LAUNDRY HAMPER IS FILLED WITH BLOTCHES AND KNICKERS!!! AND KNOCKERS AND BRITCHES!!! (Now form a line, we must chase Benny Hill to the horizon in double-speed.) > Personally, I can't image how many of the nitches can be stored > on disc. ...using the convenient new Kodak Nitche Disk! You can shoot thirteen nitche photos a second onto one of these disks that stores eight of them! Kodak will NEVER admit it's a flop, just like the Advanced Photo System or PhotoCD! > Myself I am computer new, Gee, I had no idea. Tell Frank Oz I said hi, Yoda. > and I have scads of nitches stored on 3-1/2 inch discs. They must be small nitches. Real nitches need 5-1/4 inch disks, the kind that hold much more than 3-1/2 inch disks. > Would you like to help me figure this mathematical problem? Only if this is one of those "now take away two matches" problems, because someone needs to take away your matches. > How much money has the US people paid for the destruction of > the United States? Ten dollars for every occurrence of the words "Archimedes" and "Plutonium" in the same sentence. Plus the cost of all those floppy disks they have to use to do whatever the heck you're waving your mental arms about in your special little universe. > Who is calling their job: Burn the US flag, and every human > being who lives in the United States? I'm starting to think someone here smoked a polyester flag. > In 1999, you and me want to know how much money was spent, > and every person who has the job of destroying the US. I'm sorry, I'm too busy to talk to you right now. I have to go test my mind-control laser on a Furby. -- K. Usually I have to go LOOK for these people... P.S. Thomas's English Muffins are full of old-fashioned blockers and nitches. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.dreams.lucid From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:18:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology and alt.dream.lucid, The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Am I wearing a "HONK IF YOU'RE CRAZY" sign on my butt again? > > Yes. And I'm wearing the big neon "Make Fun of Me When I Misspell Soap" > sign on my booty, too. In the sentence above you misspelled "Boap", hope this helps. Boap this belps. You know, "Mission: Impossible" would have been a much funnier show if Peter Graves had played "Boap Belps" instead of "Jim Phelps", and if he'd been Leslie Nielsen. And if Barbara Bain had more speeches about killer soap suds destroying the Moon. > I'll take your sign off if you'll take off mine. RUTH BUZZI: "Don't you take my sign off!" JIM NABORS: "Wayull, gaw-lee!" (THE TWO OF THEM CHASE EACH OTHER AROUND ALT.DREAMS.LUCID IN FAST MOTION. RANDOM BEEPING NOISES ARE DROWNED OUT BY LITTLE KIDS' LAUGH TRACK.) JIM NABORS: "Maw, paw done shot up thur Ay-Oh-Hell AGAYN!" (THE KOOL-AID PITCHER BURSTS THROUGH THE WALL.) RUTH BUZZI: "Oh no!" KOOL-AID MAN: "Oh yeah!" (HE POURS HIMSELF OVER THEM AND THEY DROWN IN HIS RED BODILY FLUIDS. THE END.) -- K. I have Sid Krofft's autograph *and* I drink lots of Kool-Aid! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.dreams.lucid,alt.mcdonalds.crew From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 00:59:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In alt.religion.kibology and alt.dreams.lucid, > > "mavvv" (twodar@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > > > If there are 50 states, and each state hires one person to patrol > > > the air space against nitches and aircraft blockers. Thirteen (13) > > > years later, the US air is filled with blockers and nitches. > > > > "blockers and nitches": Good folks in alt.religion.kibology, mark your > > calendars, we've just discovered a new catchphrase. > > Somebody please tell me what "blockers and nitches" are? Quickly, > before I start singing "blockers and nitches and doidies oh my!" Blinkers and notches are your friends. Wonkers and blinches are your friends. Blintzes and nachos are your friends. I would just like to point out that last night I had a non-dumb dream. I was in junior high school gym class and we were doing something outside in our stupid little maroon shorts and two of the bad kids snuck off into the woods with a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher and went up to the top of the World Trade Center and started blowing the tops off the other buildings and I had to tell the fat lazy generals how to take those guys out. If I hadn't woken up at that point, I wouldn't have remembered any of the dream, but this is my guess as to how it would have ended: PRESIDENT: "Kibo, as President of the United States, here is your reward for telling those fat lazy generals how to shoot people: I am abdicating and making you President!" PRESIDENT: "Yay! Thank you, Mr. Ex-President!" ...then I would've had some sort of twisted relationship with MTV's "Daria" because she is so cool even though she's just a cartoon. -- K. Daria is like Jeneane Garofalo only more realistic. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:50:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > "mavvv" (twodar@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > If there are 50 states, and each state hires one person to patrol > > the air space against nitches and aircraft blockers. Thirteen (13) > > years later, the US air is filled with blockers and nitches. Mmm, bloomers and knishes. > I just want everyone to know that I have a non-crazy cow-orker that also > uses worldnet. However, from what I've seen on Usenet in general, I do > concur that the name should probably be changed to worldnut. > > But at least it's not WebTV!!! So what should WebTV be changed to? Something like "I post to the Internet through my TV set's remote control, flicker flicker flicker?" You know, if people actually had digital TVs, this would sound a lot less stupid. But fortunately there is no such thing as digital TV yet. -- K. P.S. world.com is to world.std.com as att.net is to worldnet.att.net as _____ is to www.mciworldcom.com? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Scary album pictures Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 13:27:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Aaron A." (DoctorAaron@webtv.net) wrote: > > [re compact disc art] > > I could go on for hours about bands that you've prolly never heard of, > but I, unlike Mr. Parry, am not 31337 enough to say, "I am not making > this up," so you wouldn't believe me anyway. Oh, come on, NOBODY would believe you were capable of making something up after they saw your E-mail address, Mr. The Only Kibologist With A WebTV. > -- Aaron I. "From now on, I shall be known as 'Dawson Ensworth, serious > playwright.'" Allensworth How about Wulfram Webteeveedlium, The Tag Of Science? Fun fact: Everyone here keeps putting down Netscape's tag and everything about WebTV. But one of the many things WebTV can't do is to show . However, WebTVs have their own means of being typographically obnoxious: , and the versatile yet unreadable . (Transparent 3-D type looks especially nice against a background that constantly moves diagonally, another imaginative WebTV way to make Web pages that are extra-illegible.) The only font on WebTVs is Helvetica (in regular, bold, and ); you have three settings for your preferred size, "Small", "Medium", and "Large", which are (I think) 18, 21, and 24 points tall. (Or they would be on a computer with a 72-dots-per-inch screen like an old Mac; on a TV set they would usually be much larger.) The default, of course, is the gigantic "Large". (For filling out 80-column forms, there's also a smaller monospaced font which is the Mac's Monaco font with the Helvetica "a" pasted in.) Anyway, WebTVs display everything in BIG BLURRY HELVETICA which should tell you everything you need to know about their typography. WebTVs also automatically insert "smart quotes" (in other words, they turn '99 into `99) unless you say to make the WebTV be NOSMARTER than you would expect half a Web browser tied to a TV set to be. Other fun WebTV facts: You can make Web pages which have forms which are *automatically* submitted when a WebTV visitor finds them, and you can remotely turn CAPS LOCK on for your friends who have WebTVs and aren't smart enough to TYPE THEIR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS TO MAKE THEM EASIER TO READ. You can also embed an oscilloscope in your .signature so that if your .signature plays music people who are deaf can see what shape the music is. "Hey, I recognize that squiggle! It's Beethoven's Ninth Zigzag!" WebTV. It's like a computer except it can only run one program instead of 50,000, and that program is one of the ugliest Web browsers in existence, and the preferred output medium is a flickery low-rez American TV set. And... they're advertised by William Shatner who points out that you can use the WebTV to watch his movies (the clip they show is of Shatner screaming while being attached by tarantulas in "Kingdom of the Spiders") while reading about "Shatner, the rock star". Once again we have a commercial made by people who have discovered how to make irony but not why it's a bad idea to bash your OWN PRODUCT in commercials. ("Kids today love irony! That means that we'll expect them to buy lots of our products if we say our products suck!") You'd think WebTV would have learned the fallacy of that from Ben Stiller's anti-commercials for _AOL_... -- K. Now I will say something NICE about WebTVs because Aaron is our friend. Um... At least WebTV is owned by Microsoft, and not Hitler. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.misc,sci.econ,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: sci.jobs-work Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 11:13:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.econ and sci.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I need another science field or category. But, Arch, it's always been the general assumption that you don't belong in ANY category of science. > [...] > > Some facts that we already know about jobs. Behold the wisdom of the career dishwasher! > We know that if you break a work force into jobs as opposed to paying people "just to mill about aimlessly" > that the end product is better then if you had > nearly everyone else performing the jobs. GENIUS! > If we put a talented group together to make soap > who then goes and sells the soap to others for > some of their products, is a more efficient and energy saving and time > saving arrangement than if every household made their own soap. GENIUS! Wait a minute... a mad German scientist... obsessed with soap-making... posts long, meaningless rants... ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM IS DOCTOR BRONNER! ALL-IN-ONE! DILUTE! DILUTE! OK! BUY MY ESSENE SNACK FOOD PUFFS! DILUTE AGAIN! DILUTE SOME MORE! OK! The only problem with that is that the real Dr. Bronner is dead, and Archimedes isn't dead. Also, the real Dr. Bronner may be dead, but I'm sure he's contributing more to science than Archimedes Plutonium is. Dr. Bronner is still making hippie soap from beyond the grave. Archie, we hope, is USING soap in his day job of peeling spaghetti of dinner plates. > So, specialization which is the foundation of jobs and work is time saving > and energy saving and more productive and better quality. > > The science sci.jobs-work should obviously be ranked near the science > of economics for it relates to it the most. > > But there is a relationship that I am intrigued to explore between > sci.jobs-work and sci.religion. Yes, we should explore this relationship between the two imaginary newsgroups you've cooked up. Are they where you post your genius-quality work? > It was in the Puritan religion where > this idea was pronounced and elaborated upon. The idea is that we find > God best through our occupation, our life-calling. It is this idea that > I want to explore, how are jobs are tied with and connected to God that > so few people realize. I don't know, I think that priests in *all* religions have jobs that are connected to God. Of course, the ones with the fuller collection plates are more closely connected. -- K. So, Arch, how does washing dishes bring you closer to God? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.computers From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Future Of Personal Computing: Faster, Harder, Stupider Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:33:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.folklore.computers and alt.religion.kibology, Stuart Norris (norris@mech.eng.usyd.edu.au) wrote: > > John West McKenna (john@ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > > > Also, in England a gigahertz is equal to an American terahertz, > > > so I'm going to move to England to make my computer seem cool. > > > > I heard a guy from the BBC recently explaining why they never used the word > > 'billion'. Basically, the British billion *was* 10^12 for a long time, but > > then they changed to 10^9 (sometime in the 1960s, IIRC). The BBC avoided > > using the word because it would just confuse people. Whereas I _try_ to use the word to confuse people. It's easy to trawl people with such a simple word. IT'S ONLY A SIX-DIGIT NUMBER, GUYS! > Is there any authority that declares what a billion is? Yes. Me. A billion is now whatever amount is in my bank account, so that I am always a billionaire. Also, bank accounts with more real money than mine are declared to NOT be billions. BILLIONS ARE NONLINEAR. > After all, the UK isn't France. Y0UR R0NG !!!1 FRANCE IS PART 0F THE U K JSUT N0T PART 0F GRATE BRITEN !!!!1 > So far as I (or my dictionarys) know, a billion is still a > billion (ie: a bi-million, or a million^2. The fact that it is a French > expression, and the French have it as 10^9 is neither here nor there). But in the U.S. a milliard is equal to a British milliard times a Swedish billion timesed by infinity to the infinity power. > Perhaps it is better put that poms grew bi-lingual in their usage, with > the increasing presence of US English. Of course us folk in the > group-of-countries-formerly-known-as-the-british-empire have to understand > three versions of English: English, US English, and the local dialect. When you furriners talk about "US English", are you talking about the way people here are _supposed_ to talk, or the way the bozos here actually do talk, or like what? -- K. From now on I swear I will stop ending every sentence with "... you know?" Instead I will say "...you don't know." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.computers From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Future Of Personal Computing: Faster, Harder, Stupider Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998 03:43:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "prometheus-aluminium@mindless.com", who obviously has no Real Name, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just realized that when computer processor clocks hit one > > gigahertz, people will think that that's nine hundred times > > wimpier than a 900 megahertz cellular phone so they'll have > > to call the computers 1000 megahertz. > > And my WebTeeVee is cooler because it runs at 250 scale miles per hour. So > there, mister Kibo. Yes, and WebTV users have 250 scale IQ points in their little WebTV universe which someday I will crush with the tip of my thumb, but only when it's convenient for me, like when it drifts between my thumb and the "stop" button on my VCR when I discover that Comedy Central is showing Gallagher instead of Andy Kaufman. > Hugz n Kisses, > Dr. Prometheus Aluminium, > Headmaster of the > Pseudo-science Department of > Ward 17, Bellevue Hospital > Detroit, CA, 10032 I would make a wacky anagram of your name, but you don't have a stupid name like "Archimedes Plutonium". Also, I feel sorry for you WebTV users. -- K. has anyone claimed "Dr. Spock Einsteinium" yet? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Missing "ain" Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1998 01:34:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Mortis" (ring@mindspring.com) wrote: > > Infinity@world.std.com (Captain Infinity) wrote: > > > > Mortis, please take off your pants. > > I would, but i *own not a single pair*! > > all of my posts are made without the use or assitance of pants Without the EXISTENCE of pants? ACK! YOU MADE MY PANTS DISAPPEAR! WITH A LITTLE "DING"! Wait, I mean, A BIG "DING"!!! STOP LAUGHING AT MY STAR-SHAPED DING!!! -- K. Now with 50% fewer pants! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The most wonderful new idea Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:44:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Meat-flavored tongue barnacles. And why do these barnicles have tongues which are flavored with meat? (I buy that spaghetti sauce: the one that says "FLAVORED with MEAT" which means it has brown salt added for that extra special flavor you can't make on your own.) > What's the number for the Patent Office? > > -dp. > And the Center for > Disease Control? 10-10-10-10-10-10-10-3-2-1-CONTACT. Poor Spot! He wasn't allowed to use Lucky Dog long distance services! He had to use AT&T! -- K. In twenty years even I won't be able to understand this. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: TNT, Late Saturday Night Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 10:06:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Brrr. Bob Hope and Elke Sommer in a sex comedy. With Phyllis Diller as the > wacky housekeeper. > > I am not making this up. Holy cow, I'm missing "Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Number!" Again! This is the movie where Bob Hope's toolshed has the rope hanging from the middle of the ceiling with a big sign which says PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS ...which would be the only Kibological moment in any of Mr. Hope's films except that he does pull it, ruining all the possible fun value. This movie was selected by the a member of the Medved family of film critics as the worst Bob Hope movie of all time. However, I have selected the Medved family as the worst film critics of all time, and unlike them, I don't make stuff up or get payola from Disney. Why can't there be some film critics who get payola from people who make GOOD movies? SOMEONE SHOULD MAKE THE WORLD'S BEST MOVIE AND THEN PAY PEOPLE TO ENJOY IT!! I WOULD SEE IT A HUNDRED TIMES!!! -- K. And I would call this movie "Bloated Dead Dog 2000"! By the way, have you ever noticed that not only does the movie industry think that you're so stupid that sequels need to be named "______ 2", but that the commercials must explain that "______ 2" IS THE SEQUEL TO THE ORIGINAL "______" because you are even dumber than the people who write movie trailers? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: TNT, Late Saturday Night Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998 06:41:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, have you ever noticed that not only does the movie industry > > think that you're so stupid that sequels need to be named "______ 2", > > but that the commercials must explain that "______ 2" IS THE SEQUEL TO > > THE ORIGINAL "______" because you are even dumber than the people > > who write movie trailers? > > One movie trailer sold Star Trek 9 as "The ULTIMATE BATTLE between > GOOD versus EVIL!" > > Just like EVERY MOVIE WHERE ANYTHING BLOWS UP! Also just once I'd like to see a Disney movie where the trailer does not explain that the bad guy is "AN EVIL VILLAIN!", or any movie which contains AN EXPLOSION WHICH IS NOT IN THE TRAILER AND IS SHOWN FROM ONLY ONE ANGLE AS IT ONLY EXPLODES ONCE!!! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go see "Addams Family 5" starring Dana Gould as Gomez, Sarah Purcell as Morticia, Clint Howard as Fester, Colin Quinn as the evil real-estate magnate, Gottfried John as Lurch, and Linda Hunt as Wednesday. With special guest star Jeff Kaake, who was the first and third guy to play the hero on the syndicated "Viper" after NBC's "Viper" got cancelled. -- K. Must... fight... urge... to... mention... rest... of... "Space Rangers"... cast... ALL RIGHT, CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN AS GRANDMAMA!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:59:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor i-cha@usa.net spammed: > > VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE > > UNLIMITED INFORMATION > WE UPDATE EVRY TIME > > http://206.184.139.135/~lilac2/unlimited.html Wow, "Universal Hovercraft", "Parks In Italy", and your server gave me a cookie to give to "www.pornfinder.com". This is a new meaning of the word "unlimited" with which I'm not familiar. "I'm sorry, sir, you bought UNLIMITED refills for your Pepsi. This means you're only allowed to drink half a cup of flat Mountain Dew and take a bite of a cookie made from porn." Besides, if the page really did have UNLIMITED information, then why would you need to "UPDATE EVERY TIME"? It would ALREADY have all the information that could ever exist! Just like Kurd Lasswitz's Universal Library! It would contain all possible text strings from " " up to "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" and thus would contain all possible ideas, thoughts, and mistakes. It would contain its own index. As well as every possible incorrect index. In every possible order. It would contain versions of Manly Bannister's "Conquest Of Earth" with every possible typo, including ones that made the book better. And it would contain versions of same with every possible TWO typos up through ones which contained so many typos that the book turned into "Hamlet". And it would contain every possible perversion of "Hamlet", including ones ten times longer and more overrated. It would even contain every possible Internet spam, including your own article! NOW how much would YOU pay? -- K. Also, it would contain every possible crappy Web page, including those that required the ability to view frames even though the whole page was just one frame, like your stupid BROWN page which keeps trying to redirect my browser to lots of porn sites while setting the status line at the bottom to "Document: Done" to hide it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:43:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Besides, if the page really did have UNLIMITED information, then why would > > you need to "UPDATE EVERY TIME"? It would ALREADY have all the information > > that could ever exist! Just like Kurd Lasswitz's Universal Library! > > It would contain all possible text strings from " " > > up to "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" and thus would contain all possible ideas, > > thoughts, and mistakes. > > I take your Universal Library and prepend a tag. > > I WIN! No, because the Universal Library already called "NO PREPENDS!" and "NO GIVEBACKS!" and "DAVID PACHECO HAS DOUBLE COOTIES PLUS PLUS!" as well as every other possible kind of cooties on every possible person. Even Spot, despite him not being a person. Poor Spot! He got PEOPLE COOTIES but he's STILL JUST A DOG! Also, in every document in the Universal Library, Spot dies on the last page. I mean while reading it. -- K. By the way, which of you people gave Don Saklad my phone number? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cooties (was: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:35:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > Is it just me, or have I been following up to a lot of Stacia's posts lately? I think this is a sign that Stacia needs to hire a professional to finish her posts so that I don't have to. > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) writes: > > > > You're just jealous because I'm making the first official post in ARK > > written in 1999, the year we all die. > > You mock me, but I'm seriously weirded out by this. I'm just weired out by the fact that if the world DOES end this year, GERRY ANDERSON will have been proven to be a visionary genius smarter than even Nostradamus! > I know, I'm basing my assumption on a calendar that has no correlation > with nature, but instead correlates to the birth of one single guy who > may or may not have existed. No, Jesus was born in 4 B.C., because there was no year 0, except in large type in the middle of the time-line in the 1995 edition of Microsoft Encarta, and because God created the Universe four years early in 4004 B.C. and Jesus's immaculate conception was the result of a computer error caused by the Y0K Bug which caused civilization to collapse because they had to spend four years (starting at 4 B.C.) converting all the coin-stamping machines to print "A.D." instead of "B.C." on the coins they were making. Also as a kid I read that "A.D." stood for "After Damocles" in some really stupid One-Volume Encyclopedia For Kids Who Don't Want To Accidentally Learn Something In A Real Encyclopedia. > But! I'm still concerned. If you can stay concerned continuously throughout the year, and are still this concerned in September, you could be the real-life model for Barbara Bain's role. You should practice saying with the utmost concern for all living things, "John, reversed polarity is the first stage towards anti-matter." -- K. I've said it before, I'll say it again, 1999 SMELLS WEIRD. Also, I'm not having a happy dot-com yet! Make the era of being inside a happy dot-com start or people will get tired of hearing "HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cooties (was: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 02:25:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > No, because the Universal Library already called "NO PREPENDS!" > > and "NO GIVEBACKS!" and "DAVID PACHECO HAS DOUBLE COOTIES PLUS PLUS!" > > as well as every other possible kind of cooties on every possible person. > > From today's paper: > ====Begin Copyright Violation==== > By James Cummings - Cox News Service > Dayton, Ohio - It's hard to believe, but we've had Cooties for 50 years. "Waah!" cried Spot. He had had Cooties since before he was born! > Not the kind you get from kissing girls. I'm talking about the plastic > ones that come disassembled in a cardboard box. PLASTIC? Real Cooties are WOOD! > Hasbro, manufacturer of Cooties, is celebrating the golden anniversary of > the venerable children's game this year by doing a complete makeover on > the bugs that are central to the game. For only the tenth time this century, yawn. > .. > According to Hasbro, a Minneapolis mailman carved the first Cooties from > wood in 1948. He was trying to design a fishing lure, but Cooties > attracted more kids than carp. I think they misspelled "crappies". Also, why would a fishing lure be five inches long and have a detachable curly proboscis and six falling-off little legs which require the fix to roll "6" 6 times in a row on all of 666 dice to be able to quit the game? > .. > Hasbro estimates about 50 million Cootie games have been purchased in the > 50 year history of the toy. > ====Here Endeth Copyright Violation==== They forgot to mention the Interactive Cootie CD-ROM, about which I will only remark that it is obviously LESS stupid than the hand-held electronic Mr. Potato Head. -- K. It coots down stairs alone or in pairs and makes a cootily sound ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Waaah! WebTV hurts! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:04:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@duh.seanet.com) wrote: > > So since I got my nifty WebTV for Xmas, I decided to check out Kibo's WebTV > page! But actually, I broke my WebTV so I had to use my dumb old computer > to look at it. So I went to Kibo's WebTV page and you know what? That damn > Dead Princess song is STILL PLAYING on my computer and it WILL NOT STOP. > WAAAAAAAAAAH! You're lying. A _real_ WebTV would play my madly-distorted voice shouting "HEYYYYY LOOKIT MEEEEE I'M ON YOUR WEBTEEEEEVEEEE!!!!!!!!" over and over, whereas real computers play seven muzak clips at the same time, two of which are the same and one of which is "Candle In The Wind '97", the song which killed Princess Diana. So I think you should stop pretending you have a WebTV just to fit in with the cool people with WebTVs here at the Cool Table in THE BACKWARDS UNIVERSE where Spock has a beard and Kirk has real hair. -- K. The deluxe model Kirk has real hair YOU can comb! Waah, I just knocked over my box of Russian fake Froot Loops without the froot flavoor. But it was okay because it was empty because I gave them all away because they tasted yooky. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.skeptic,sci.physics,sci.math,sci.logic,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: what is wrong with Wiles's FLT explained via anagrams Re: New insights from the King of Physics Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:59:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.skeptic, sci.physics, sci.math, and sci.logic, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > Now look at anagrams. And this is the major fault of most anagrams. Yes. Anagrams should be un-look-at-able. ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM, MASTER OF THE INVISIBLE ANAGRAM! > If we are given two words of Archimedes Plutonium, than the anagram for > those two words should be two new words both of the same number of > letters as the original two words. And they should be in the same order, too. And they should spell out something that sounds really dopey. I can think of an anagram of "Archimedes Plutonium" meeting those conditions. > The aim of this post is not to discuss in depth the rules or what the > rules should be of anagrams or palindromes, That is a matter for Archimedes to take up with The International Governing Board Of Anagrams! Except he can't find them in the phone book because their listing is scambled. > for as I said earlier, these are more poetic and literary rules or > lack of rules. Yes, these are either rules or not rules! GENIUS! > But the science of precision which is mathematics cannot have gaps in rules. > Precision is precision, 100%. In mathematics, lack of precision is > often called 'hidden assumptions'. The aim of this post is to show what > is wrong with Wiles alleged proof of Fermat's Last Theorem FLT using > anagrams and palindromes. Just out of curiosity, what sort of anagrams have you been mosking? I seem to recall that his proof involved all sorts of esoteric mathematics such as modular functions and elliptics, not stupud baby anagrams. > Look at this so-called anagram of Archimedes Plutonium > > > "Posh numerical tedium" > > According to Wiles's FLT, and Wiles's definition of Natural Numbers = > Finite Integers, he would call that an anagram. Okay, so we can't call it an anagram, just a true statement. > But it is not for it has two spaces but the original has only one space. Also the spaces are smaller than the space inside the head of the original. > You see, mathematicians have out of laziness overlooked the fact that > Finite Integers have endless strings of zeroes such as > > ....0000000000001 > ....0000000000002 > ....0000000000003 > . > . > . > and that these Finite Integers are no different than the adic integers > > The world of mathematics is as precise as a cube rotated 180 degrees > and is again the same cube. No it isn't, because it takes time to rotate anything (because you cannot rotate faster than light) and so it is a LATER cube than the original. Duh! > And where the Finite Integers upon examination are really the Adic Integers. > > To make a anagram starting with two words and ending with 3 or more > words is not precise, and nonprecision is not mathematics. WRONG! "nonprecision" has NO SPACE and "not mathematics" HAS A SPACE! > Wiles and previous mathematicians have blindly accepted that Natural > Numbers = Finite Integers without ever questioning what "finite" means. > Nor have the closely examined the meaning of 'place value' and that the > Finite Integers have infinite place value filled with zeroes. They have > been sloppy and imprecise. The Finite Integers can be called poetic > with a poetic license, but not mathematics which requires or at least > strives for 100% precision. > > For an anagram to be mathematically precise such as the cube rotation > 180 degrees would require of the two words > > archimedes plutonium > > two new words of the same letter length with one space separation such > as this: > > > imedesarch niumpluto Dear Heresiarch Nimnul, Please change your name to something which sounds more stupid instead of less stupid when the letters are scrambled. > There is no better way to simply show Wiles and math professors what > their mistake with FLT is. Than to show them the analogy of anagram > mistakes of place value. So your proof involves an analogy of an anagram of a mistake? GENIUS! SHEER, TOTAL, GENIUS! Excuse me, SUEING! SHEER, TOTAL, SUEING! -- K. P.S. Also, you can't spell "palindrome" backwards. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: what is wrong with Wiles's FLT explained via anagrams Re: New insights from the King of Physics Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998 03:28:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor pg@sff.net (Paul Guertin) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > > > The world of mathematics is as precise as a cube rotated 180 degrees > > > and is again the same cube. > > A cube wearing pants is, EQUALLY, like a HEXAHEDRON WEARING A DRESS! I should also point out that if the cube is rotated 180 degrees through THE FOURTH DIMENSION it's now the opposite of the original cube, and it will explode if you touch it, and it will make your brain explode if you think about it, so don't try to find any flaws in my theory because my theory says you'll die if you give my theory any consideration!!! > > No it isn't, because it takes time to rotate anything (because you cannot > > rotate faster than light) and so it is a LATER cube than the original. Duh! > > Also my first grade teacher taught me that a square rotated 45 degrees > is not a square but a lozenge so I ate it because I had a cold. THIS > IS ALL TRUE except that last part. I've always wondered whether the candies were named after the nonsquare rhombus or vice versa. And it still bothers me that Altoids are shaped like Canada Mints (which made in Massachusetts at the Necco plant -- gee, I bet the recipe's completely different from Necco wafers) and not like lozenges, while Viagra and the dessicated blue Styrofoam diamonds in Lucky Charms are identical blue lozenges despite the fact that neither is candy. > Then she mysteriously disappeared > after becoming fatter and fatter and I thought she had exploded. No, that would be if she had become fatter and fatter and then VERY SUDDENLY much thinner and more evenly-distributed. > She was replaced by a crazy woman who made us repeat "LA LI LU LE LO" but > she articulated so much that we had no idea what she was saying. Oh. My. God. You went to first grade at Emerson College! I AM NOW TYPING WITH AN OVERLY OPEN THROAT! Nancy, hand the man the dandy candy! Loseriffic laser lozenges lounge lazily! > It was like a very bad acid trip only I didn't know what an acid trip > was because we had no blue star tattoos. NEW AND IMPROVED LUCKY CHARMS CEREAL NOW WITH BLUE STARS!!! > I was really into astronomy at the time and I remember interrupting > a speech by the principal to ask him why Betelgeuse was red. > He told me to come to his office after school and made a certain part > of my anatomy become the color of Betelgeuse. Thank heaven you didn't ask about Zubenelgenubi and Zubeneschemali. They are my favorite stars even if I can't spell them because I can't spell "scorpion" in Arabic. > And that's how spanking replaced astronomy as my hobby, to this day! And tomorrow it will be replaced by the art of sticking Silly Putty to your TV screen to steal Kelsey Grammer's soul!!! > P.S. "Betelgeuse" is one of those words that, if you stare at them too > long, start to look like perfect names for a cow. Do not stare at cow > with remaining eye. I am still working on my secret project of crossing Holsteins with zebras in a blender to produce a cow with a bullseye pattern on the side (even on the girl cows) to make them easier to aim at. Of course, some tree-hugger cow-lover will probably do the opposite and change their natural camouflage pattern to the OPPOSITE of a bullseye pattern to make your assault rifle veer away from them whenever you try to aim at the cow. This inverse bullseye pattern looks much like the Chladni pattern you get when you dust a cymbal with talcum powder and play it with a violin bow in vacuum with your bionic arm. I do that a lot. -- K. P.S. Last night I used the term "Galton board" in a sentence, today "Chladni pattern". Now Matt McIrvin will follow up with "the Parton model of quark confinement vs. the bag model." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: what is wrong with Wiles's FLT explained via anagrams Re: New insights from Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 09:03:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > I had a teacher that made the whole class repeat: "JAkaganga - jaKAganga - > jakaGANGa - jakagangA" with all the different vowels. She was very upset > becuase everyone wouldn't take this SERIOUSLY. I don't see any other way you could do it. I mean, someday you might run into a festering herd of jakagangas and you'd need some way to tell them apart while they're tearing your arms off. > Then years later I heard Blueboy's "Remember me" and my head exploded. Please stop trying to revive "Dragnet" in color, Mr. Webb. > THE END. Wait! Come back! You forgot to tell us the results of THAT hearing! -- K. At the moment I have in front of me a "KVIKK LUNSJ" candy bar and a "STRATOS: Lett, luftig og por¿s" bar. I suspect the Kvikk Lunsj is made of compressed lutefisk. And the Stratos, which claims to be porous, must be either a sponge or one of those chem-lab filters folded into quarters so that the genius scientist can be humanized when he makes coffee over the Bunsen burner while Reptilicus crushes the cardboard cutout of the statue of Hans Christian Anderson. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: who invented this machine? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 08:38:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor (This is my obligatory helpful post of the holiday season.) In sci.math, DST12345 (dst12345@aol.com) wrote: > > Small balls are dropped from the center near the top, and allowed to bounce > thru a series of rods arranged so that the ball has an equal likelihood of > falling to the left or the right. They finally drop into row of tubes or > columns each one ball wide. After a sufficient number of balls has been > dropped, they create a "histogram" following a normal distribution. What is > the machine called? A Galton board, or for fans of Bob Barker, a Plinko board. -- K. I've always said Dr. Plinko was a more important scientist than Dr. Galton. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.heather-locklear From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: [Lg01&02] Largest condom in the world on display in Colombia Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1998 01:42:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I would just like to point out that in the only two ClariNet (AP newswire) newsgroups I am subscribed two, each one carried exactly one new article today, and these were the two and only two new articles: Subject: [Lg01&02] Largest condom in the world on display in Colombia Subject: Heather Locklear Likes To Stay Home DIAGRAM YOUR OWN JOKE. ALSO, GIVE ME BACK MY CONDOM!!! -- K. "[Lg01&02]" means there were two photos attached. Why would anyone need two photos of the same condom? Oh... my... god... one of the photos shows SCARY MIMES RUNNING THROUGH THE WORLD'S LARGEST CONDOM!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The Results Are In! I Don't Suck! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 02:54:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor My Web site has the results of analyzing the 516 survey forms which were completed by site visitors in an effort to help us learn "What Is Kibological?" The results were surprisingly interesting, so much so that they prompted a followup survey to zero in on some of the weirder aspects of Kibology. Because seeing the results of survey #1 would bias your answers on survey #2, you have to fill out survey #2 before you can read my detailed analysis (complete with colorful Newsweek-style bar graph) of the first results. Anyway, surf, don't walk, to www.kibo.com and look for the thingie. -- K. "YOU CAN USE THE WEB TO LOOK FOR THE THINGIE?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Results Are In! I Don't Suck! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 06:57:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Here are some of the answers to the essay questions on the first "What Is Kibology?" survey, because I forgot to include them in the scholarly analysis of the multiple-choice questions on the Web site. Seeing them here won't bias your answers on the second survey because everyone knows that essay questions are always pointless! These were submitted anonymously and have been scrambled to make it hard for you to match up the ten or so perverts who have cats. All spellings are the authors', if they're incorrect. -- K. And boy are they ever. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// // // // Describe a Kibological ritual you perform in public. // // // ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Reading "The News in Brief" without pants, and as "The News in Briefs". Force the proselytizing bands of Mormons and Hari Krishnas in the Heidelberger Fussgaengerzone to exchange clothes at gunpoint, and demand that they behave as usual in their new attire. Watching Team Xena: SeaQuest Warrior 1999 Starring Barbara Bain, Erik Estrada, and Bob Hope as "Zippy" the Wailing Dolphin. Making anatomically correct balloon animals. I would start by buttering a snake with a tub of that stuff my mum leaves by the side of her bed. I would then proceed to fashion it into a gas mask disguised as a winshield wiper. (the snake will giggle with glee at that one) I would then snort the Kibological Chant of Mad Streakers through my ears while promoting prosthetic limbs and the like for Quakers. That is all that needs to be done before I can call off the hounds. Photograph total strangers repeatedly When greeting friends or people who I would like to become aquainted with better, I always put up my fists in the manner of an old time boxer and motion as if I'm going to start punching them. This usually makes people laugh. Pass out kazoos to random people Eat an ice-cream while walking on my hands killing atoms... I sit backwards Eating Shrimp Chip Pizza enter singing rat: rat is shot out of a canon ===--<8> BBBPPPTHTHTH! sometimes i like to yell out really loud, "I'm not wearing any socks" The neophyte enters the "76" gas station where they sell those orange car antenna balls that say "76" on them. He or she asks the attendant, "(Name), do you have 76 balls?" The attendant responds, "Yes I do". The neophyte gives the punchline: "Because his WIFE DIED!" When out and about, I find it very fulfilling, as a kiblologist, to perform the sacred Beabling-Tantric-Tow-Truck-Suck summononing dance. First, I set an unsuspecting Christian on fire and then ask him three questions in non-consecutive order. The first is, "How do I feel?" The second: "Which is tasties, a yellow peep or pez?" Thirdly, "Do you have any used cantaloupe?" Fourthly: "Where do you buy your lip-stick?" Lastly and most forlornly, I ask the unsuspecting twit of Christ: "Get me a Dr. Pepper?" Frankly, I don't understand the last one. Walking up to people and saying, "Greetings, lowly citizen. I seek your PEZ!" My mobile phone screams BEABLE!! BEABLE!! DOIDY!! DOIDY!! when it rings so as to protest against oppression that such devices impose on the human spirit. Oh and because I think it's really funny. Microwaving Wet Shoes: It's *amazing* how fast they dry. That used to be the only reason I did it (and out of curiosity; to see which ones melted...) but now it's become part of my daily Kibological Prayer Ritual... Odd... Eat cold hot dogs on warm buns. Manipulating the levers beneath, I free my chair to rock back, stretch humungously, and emitt high pitched noises. I often turn around in elevators and demand that people stop staring at me. Running up to elevator doors just before they close and screaming to the occupants as the door slams shut, "We just translated it...'To Serve Man'......it's....a.....COOKBOOK!" Walking into an elevator, facing the corner and muttering "crash.. crash.. crash.. crash.. sampocrash.." Eating flaming death. I every time I walk through a door in a McDonald's, I spin in circles and become Linda Carter. I go to the local grocery store and kneel before the caffeinated soft drinks. Of course, being who I am, the soft drinks bow and salaam before me in a gesture of mutual respect and fear. Needless to say, only store security pays attention. I walk around with a can of Dr Pepper in my hand and fantasize it is a cheap knockoff. I like to wet my pants and pretend it's just coffee. I remove my pants, then preach from the beable on streetcorners. I preach of how, one day, one can eat elastic bacon, truly the manimal of the pants. In restaurants I compulsively rearrange my dinnerware and hide the napkin-holders. And I always use a spork - I bring my own. Ok, so I'm mostly a private Kibologist. Eeeewwww!!! Now I have the song "Private Dancer" in my head and I am getting all kinds of weird ideas!!! Buying Orbitz. (while holding a roll of Mentos) Driving sheep to the market through the village square. There are no sheep, no market, and no village square, but don't tell the right hand what the left hand never did. I spray wd40 on to the highway spelling "doidy" and light it on fire. Then I eat a bannana and peanutbutter sandwich. Sometimes when I am walking around town I see these metal pole things which have dials and knobs on them and I don't know what they are for, but if I have some spare change, I always try to see if there is one of those slots on there where I can stick a quarter or a stick of gum or something, because it looks like you can fit something in there, almost as if that's what it was made for! And then I always turn the dial afterward because it makes me feel good that those metal poles are not being ignored like rubber chickens and chimichangas at the Taco Bell. I print (at work's expense) and post a.r.k articles and PDFs and put them on doors, windows, powerline poles, dogs, and on my no pants. Loudly proclaimin in video stores that the only reason Robert Preston got his role in "The Last Starfighter" was because he was married to the producer, Jeanne Rodin-Barrie. When out on the street, I sometimes voluntarily shiver and act as if I'm infected with Ebola. Clapping erasers that contain powdered sugar. I secretly wear my underwear upside-down. I supply Bob Hope with the medicines he needs to sustain his waning life forces. Hum the old Stove Top jingle from the mid-80's Saying "excuse me" to furniture when I kick it accidentally. Self-apendectomy I take out all of the napkins in a fast-food napkin dispensary, write pithy messages on the back of them, and put them back in. I do the same thing to my napkins at home. Not much of a surprise. I demand that receipt-checkers at CompUSA show me theirs before I show them mine. Every morning I bring into my office a quadruple short megamocha with triple-fat milk, Orbitz balls and spray cheese. I think about drinking it, and then I don't. Then I think about it again, and then I take it downstairs and put it at someone's desk who isn't in yet. Then for a real kick, I steal their mouse ball. Answering with "or so the Germans should have us belive" and then a stare. Bump into walls after spouting a long diatribe apout the inequity of sewage reclamation pulling what appears to be lint from my belly button (it's an inny), but is in actuality yard after yard of wacky colored scarfs like those favored by magicians that worship at the altar of Doug Henning. Making video game sound effects as I shoot people with my Imaginary Ray Gun Act guilty when passing between the theft-prevention device things at the exits of stores, then breathe a sigh of relief and look around suspiciously. Sometimes I get really bored and go to the mall, and play "Pissed off insane shopper person," where I rush around and swear to myself, once in a while talking to someone who's not even there. Or sometimes I go the the airport and play "bomb spy" in which I dress up in a trenchcoat and a suit and carry around an extremely suspicious-looking bag. while walking through shopping centers, i will swing my arms in a circlular motion so that people will get out of my way. I hate people stop suddenly, set down my bags and parcels, spin in circles wavng my arms shouting "KIBO KIBO KIBO KIBO" until everyone on the street is watching me, then pick up my bags and walk away Always say "what a cute baby!" when shown pictures. Babies are all ugly. I say the word "nougat" at least 100 times a day, every day since I was 14 years old. Reminding people the moon is supposed to blow up next year. Removal of dental floss from Pants. I drink chocolate milk in my van, and then I find a gas station so I can discard my chocolate milk carton. It has to be a gas station with regards to discarding the carton. Otherwise it just ain't kibological. I shout "Tea, Earl Gray, Hot" every time I use the microwave to boil water. Singin about the end of the world while mowing the lawn, in Latin. I ride the bus. When it comes to sudden stops, the intertia that throws me into the person in front of me is representative of the way that Kibology throws me into people. Ok, one time, I was skipping merrily through the forest on my way to gramma's house, and my car broke down, and I had to sleep in this barn where the farmer kept three lawyers in the wall, a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Polish blonde. So, I tried the first lawyer, and it was pretty good. Then, I tried the second one, and found that it had a much nicer fit, and didn't chafe me so much when I tried to walk. The next day, I went to say good morning, and my tongue fell out, so the farmer made me go and collect a hundred of my favorite fruits, and choose how I wanted to kill them. "By death, of course," I told him, and the farmer replied "Very well. Death... by oompa loompa!" I screamed continuously for a whole day after that. Wearing shoes marked "L" and "R" for left and right anticorrespodently I do everything at work at twice normal speed and have that Benny Hill music playing loudly wherever I go. I once said "Kibo" out loud ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// // // // Describe a Kibological ritual you perform when nobody can see you. // // // ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// I would read Barbara Streisand's autobiography while rubbing Ben Gay all over a poster of Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I deep fry those dusty things that live under my bed. They can become surprisingly tasty and with just a little liquid smoke they taste kind of like bacon. Watch pictures of women's stockinged feet pressing gas pedals. I mock people with funny names that appear on my caller ID box. Sort all the cards in my wallet, to make sure no one has sneaked an extra one in. I become invisible whilst looking along the 17th dimension Looking both ways before exiting the shower. One can never tell if the previous driver of the wc properly set the parking brake. I secretly replace the restaurant's regular coffee with Folger's instant. Covering my furniture with day-glo paints and then drinking whatever is left Speculating about the tensile strength of "The Incredible Hulk" Underoos (TM). Eating frozen egg-rolls still frozen. Covering myself in cotton candy I drive a bus, but I don't stop because then people could see me. The only problem with driving is that you have a seat belt on, and the effect of inertia is complicated. Therefore, I throw myself out the window to complete the effect. I drive around in a pink bus with my eyes closed. Walking around with pink silk pants on, exposing myself to the cat. And the cat's not even mine. So there. Dance naked down the hallway accompanied by both my cats. heavy petting with Schrodinger's cat Getting my cat to help me in a few rounds of Giant H battling. Discussing theology with the cat I mindmelt with my cat. Drop cats from various heights to determine minumum range for which it can turn itself over to land on its feet. Trying to figure out what makes my finger move by wiggling it in front of me. Drawing cave paintings with lipstick on the back of the refrigerator. When nobody is looking, I like to not watch the Science Fiction Channel. Going to where people can see me. Then leaving again. I sniff my socks. TRUE FACT! Mooing at pigs. Posting frogs to the drivethru Hold funeral services for broken eggs which were meant to stay intact as part of an Egg Drop competition chatting with fun AOL users (nobody on AOL knows how to use the "ignore" feature in chat rooms) And if I may digress briefly, I once convinced a chat user that you send private messages by TURNING ON CAPS LOCK. THIS PERSON ACTUALLY SPENT FIVE MINUTES SCREAMING ACROSS THE ROOM AT ME. IT WAS SCARY. staring at a blue computer screen and listening to the sound of cars going by and the wind in the ears while a larger blue computer screen in the background flashes darkness, and all the contemplating the necessity of old material hookup to the rest of society, then deciding that the wind would be the only way in which escape is possilblly, or something along those lines for me please rabbits [1] Post to alt.religion.kibology. [2] Cook an entire package of bacon and then eat it all in one sitting. Exchange this year's Marshmallow Peeps on store shelves with leftover Peeps from last year run match-ups between gi joe and 'the amazing expanding marshmallow peep' in 'microwaveland'. oooh. Peanut butter and jelly baths! Mmmmmmmmm. Marmite (but never Vegamite) on those special occations! Hell, I do not even EXIST when nobody can see me! I put on a pair of pants, just to have the sheer joy of taking them off again. Also, I sit on my hands, but I won't tell anyone about that. Make weird sounds in the back of your throat to the beat of a non-existant tune. I like to go to the library and write notes in the margins of Harlequin romances -- things like "here the author shows that consciousness *itself* is nothing more than a network of effects... a thing with no internal structure, like a soap bubble. BRILLIANT." While walking suddenly stopping and turning around so fast I walki into my self. Watch "Die kleine Strolche", a colorized version of "The Little Rascals", dubbed in German, on TV. I imagine that one day this technology will evole to be able to create an interactive, holographic Kibo merely from old a.r.k archives on DejaNews. Wearing No Pants(tm). At least I hope nobody can see me. I rub lotion into my cat. It really likes it. I can tell from all the bite and scratch marks. I rituallisticly avoid watching shows involving Bob Hope. pretending that my inflatable godzilla has tourette's I teach my fridge to use a dvorak keyboard. This after psychoterapy showed me it thought it was a moose. I count concrete. When no one is looking at me, I take off my clothes. Sometimes, I mean. And then I turn on the WATER in the TUB. The combination of nudity and running water is irresistable! And sometimes when I'm feeling extra-naughty, I GET IN THE WATER! I am so embarrased now. Drafting a prayer to Kibo to intercede in desperate causes. What the hey, it might be good for a laugh. For now my SKITTLES are ALL SORTED by COLOR!!!!!!!! I draw pictures of me and Kibo's love child. I tell everyone to close their eyes. Laughing at non-Kibological people that are bigger than me. I set up a little railroad town with a bunch of tiny little tracks and with some cute little buildings. Little people are happily interespersed into this idyllic setting and some tiny animals are included to increase the reality. Then I raise my arms over my head and stomp through the town while shouting "Gadzooks!" at the top of my lungs. I sit in the bathtub and contiuously drop in toasters. planting eleven herbs and spices in strange psuedo-mystical patterns (like that old Procter and Gamble logo) on selected feast days I sit in front of a sweet potato with a loaded rifle and wait for it to move. Firing off a spud gun with stolen Animal 57 inside instead of a spud. Smashing things with my yo-yo. Practicing swear words for that "natural" feel. Two words: latex stockings. I derive the trajectories of Orbitz floaty thingies while the bottle is flying through the air at Bob Hope while using Fuzzy Logic. I stick two fingers up my nose and touch my brain. One time I stole a giant inflatable ape with the words "Superior Auto Mall Construction Clearance Sale" written on a big cloth sign across its chest. Because of me the 'Construction Clearance Sale' was ruined for EVERYONE!!! I suck the marrow out of my own bones, and let the juices run down my chin. Walking around nude with peanut butter spread all over me, sticking peeps to the peanut butter and quoting Vic Tayback. After waking up every afternoon, I pray 7 times for myself to get the blessing of The Great Kibo. After every morning, when I go to sleep, I pray 7 times for myself to get rid of Kiboism. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// // // // Name some Kibological celebrities. // // // ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// (It turns out there aren't any.) ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// // // // If you could push a button that would eliminate one concept forever, // // what concept would you remove? // // // ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// The concept of that button. I mean, that thing could be dangerous in the wrong hands! BAN ALL BUTTONS FOREVER!!!!!1!!!!! The concept of removing concepts at the push of a button. buttons. zippers are more easier to get open. Strooples. (If this concept it unfamiliar to you by the time you read this, then I have already pushed the button!) I would eliminate the concept of buttons that eliminate concepts. That way, if anyone pressed it, the universe would blow up. or: I would eliminate the concept of the concept of buttons that eliminate concepts. Then, if I were to press the button, I never would have gotten the idea for the button in the first place, and I never would have been born. Then I'd disappear out of any pictures that had been taken of me, and everyone would think that I was a vampire. or: I would eliminate the concept of war. But I would keep lots of notes about it, so that after I pressed the button, I could take over the world, and rule with an iron fist. Or perhaps a copper fist, I haven't decided yet. Does that make my answer not count? or: I would eliminate the concept of concepts, and live in a world of cold, hard facts. But then, I would teach primitive man about hunting animals for their skins and starting fires, so they could make them into warm, fuzzy facts. That of pushing buttons to eliminate one concept forever. Or maybe WebTV. Three words: Web TV Archimedes Plutonium using WebTV sitcoms. Neckties! Ascots are much better. Blue popsicles. Inability to killfile layers of reality. Toilet bowl rings. Beef-Jerky on Cheez-Whiz sandwiches, because they are NOT kosher. In fact, when buying Beef-Jerky and Cheez-Whiz in the same shopping trip, you should put them in two separate shopping carts. Money. I hate not having enough. Little yellow peeps. Pink ones are okay. But the yellow ones are just plain "EVIL" Industructible objects; Peeps, fruitcake, cockroaches. The caps they use on Gatorade bottles that require five howitzers and a prison inmate to get them open. Gaffer's tape I would remove the word "meme" and all its associated sub-concepts. BROCOLI: I hate its shape, despise its taste, loathe its consistence. Everything about this aberration to nature reviles me in the most and I think this abomination should be wiped out of existence. But don`t think it`s personal, I bet I`d love brocoli if we met socially... Helvetica Ham. The edibility of cheese. ham and cheese and peanut butter (Jamsn y queso y mantequilla de cacahuete) well maybe not the peanut butter, but definatly the hampsters named sean. FD&C Yellow no. 2 Food stores closing at 9pm I wish them open till 2am The concept that roadkill is somehow "bad" to eat. Octagons Mainstream comedy Essay questions. Spot Aspidestras NASA Pigs in Space. Gravity. Then we could all fly around and our legs wouldn't get tired from walking so much. the strong nuclear force Draw Poker Hanson I would remove Kibology. Kibo is a paradoxial engima that cannot exist in our universe of a mere 4 dimensions (Kibo requires at least 11 dimensions). Kibology must be purged since it can only led to the collapse of our universe (it ain't much, but i like to call it home) that although Bill Gates is probably the most boring person in the universe he could stiil get any woman he wanted CyberSex Groin injuries Body hair fat free potato chips I've already pushed the button, so I can't tell you anymore. Sleep. We don't need it. Inbreeding. It's pretty much the root of the world's problems. Tom Cruisiness wool the concept of leaving the toilert seat up The commercial for this stuffed dog toy which is apparently so realistic that the stupid father comes home and is so amazed by the dog that he not only believes that is is real, but forgets that he doesn't had a dog. Rubber vomit. Special sauce. Gym class, definitely microphones that are not wireless The concept that rap is an art form. I would eliminate the concept of push buttons. Also: button lies, flying buttons and Red Buttons. Shirt buttons could stay, though-- especially if they are sewn to the inside of a shirt. capri pants (those tight pants that go just below the knees) the concept of "parental advisory" labels on entertainment items The concept that stupid people have some kind of innate right to live amongst us after they've finished their daily menial tasks. The concept of time. Who needs it? So what if everything happens at once? Free will. No, I mean Free Willy. The concept of "Tee Vee Spokesmodel". I feel that this concept is not only utterly un-necessary, it's also mind- altering in a bad, very bad, way. Also, I would eliminate advertising. I feel it's pernicious. Correction fluid. furbies. Respinsibility. Either that or Hamburgers. polotics ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Why Do I Keep Going To This Supermarket? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998 06:33:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, I thought that rant I wrote earlier today about the tomato soup commercial was going to be the most rant-like thing I wrote today, saving me from becoming The Secret Square in the Nolan Rant Graph: UNIMPORTANT IMPORTANT +-----------------+----------------+ | | | FUNNY | Dennis Miller | Lenny Bruce | | | | +-----------------+----------------+ | | | NOT FUNNY | Dennis Leary | Adolf Hitler | | | | +-----------------+----------------+ ...but then I went to the Prudential Star Market (not to buy tomato soup) and something rantworthy happened. Let's wind up to the stupid event with a side trip down memory lane. I arrived at the supermarket around 11:25 P.M. on Sunday night, which is always a mistake. When I tried to pass through the little magazine aisle, there were two people standing there reading the magazines leisurely. (Apparently people are desperate enough for entertainment that they go to the supermarket to read magazines around midnight on Sundays.) According to the laws of bozo distribution, one of these two people was standing directly in front of the middle of the magazine rack, while the other was careful to stand on the opposite side of the aisle from the magazine rack, i.e. directly behind the other bozo, blocking the aisle completely. As I forced my cart between these people (because most of the good food is behind the magazines, which occupy the joint in the L-shaped supermarket) I made a mental note that I would have to stop shopping just before midnight on Sundays because that's the time of the week when the supermarket is the least crowded except that all the people who are there are complete and total morons. Then I realized that I was also there, but this didn't really apply to me because I was smart enough to call the other people bozos here. Anyway, it made me remember the horrible experiences I've had waiting in line (at the only checkout counter of twelve which stays open at midnight on Sundays), such as the time I was behind the francophone jerk. You may recall that about two months ago I wrote about the cardboard "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR"s at the Prudential Star Market and how the French-Canadian bozeau pushed the divider away from his groceries and towards mine so that he might claim a larger buffer zone between his groceries and the buffer between his groceries and my groceries. Another experience I had waiting in that line at that time of night was to have the unfortunate luck to be directly behind the guy who I thought had to be the worst-smelling person in Boston. (I never told you about him because I have since learned I was wrong about him.) Anyway, I progressed past the extremely minor irritation of the people blocking the magazine aisle and did my shopping. Two skinny gals who spent the entire time arguing over the number of servings in a tub of yogurt kept appearing everywhere I wanted to be, unsure of which way they wanted to go (did they want to cut in front of me to make a left turn? No, they wanted to cut in front of me to make a three-point U-turn. Twice.) And the market smelled like cheesy vomit because apparently they were cooking stinky cheese around midnight. Nevertheless, I managed to finish my shopping, and got in the only functioning checkout line around 11:40 P.M. The two gals (who were still bickering) were being checked out, and there was a middle-aged woman behind them, and I was behind her. She turned around and stared at the contents of my grocery basket for a full thirty seconds before going back to facing the right way. Then a little while later she turned to me and said with a smile, "It's gonna be a long wait. Have patience." I gave her a noncommital smile (one Berne-style stroke returned, a single quantum of attention) and she turned back towards her cart. Little did I know the import of her warning. I assumed she was with the yogurt people because she didn't put any groceries on the conveyor belt and was pushing a cart which appeared to be empty, except for some wadded-up empty plastic bags in the back (you know, the rumble seat where the toddlers won't stay.) She also had one of those boxes containing a roll of plastic bags, presumably swiped from a previous trip through the checkout line. So since I assumed she was with the people ahead of her who had visible groceries, I put my stuff on the belt. I don't like to wash dishes, so I was buying some paper plates and some disposable plastic bowls, which I set on top of the paper plates. (I pay extra to get the plastic ones because none of the plastic-laminated-paper ones are even remotely soup-proof.) The woman ahead of me turns and stares at my groceries again. "Are those plastic?" she asked. "Yeah," I replied wittily. She went back to facing front. Then she turned around again. "They look like paper." she said of the blood-red plastic bowls sparkling in the bright lights of the night-time supermarket. "Yeah," I rejoindered. She faced front again. She turned around again. "The ones under 'em, they're paper, right?" "Yeah," I volunteered. With that, our conversation thankfully self-terminated. It is always awkward when strangers (or clerks) make conversation about your groceries (and even worse when the next time you bump into them they remember your previous groceries and ask why you're not buying XYZ Egg Rolls this week) and stupid questions along the general lines of "ARE THOSE SHINY RED PLASTIC BOWLS PLASTIC OR TISSUE PAPER?" don't help. The yogurt twins had been checked out, and the clerk ran the conveyor belt forward to bring my groceries up to the line of scrimmage. But it turned out that the mystery woman did indeed have groceries to ring up, pointing out to the confused clerk who was trying to ring up my food that she had a candy bar. She held out the candy bar (a one-pound Cadbury With Almonds) and quietly said, "You can keep this one, but I need the others back." An interesting demonstration of the power of human bozosity followed. After the clerk scanned the Cadbury bar and put it in a bag, Mystery Woman proceeded to hand the clerk a series of other items, which had been individually wrapped in clear plastic bags. The clerk was required to scan them and then hand them back. None of the food was allowed to touch the belt or the clerk. I noticed that Mystery Woman was wearing disposable rubber gloves. Aha, you're saying to yourself, I know the type. She's slightly crazy in a harmless little way -- obsessed with personal cleanliness. Sorry, that scores as a buzzer. The real punchline is: This woman smelled far, far, far worse than any other odor I have ever smelled! She smelled worse than it was physically possible for her to smell. Even if he had had long fingernails, Superman could not have clawed through the tightly-knit web of squiggly stink lines to save Lois Lane's baby from Hitler. If I had filmed this woman, a close study of the footage would have revealed her to be emitting three to five glowing, tightly collimated beams of coherent smell in different directions in every frame like a "Star Trek" photon torpedo made of concentrated smell. You could have cut her Odor Cloud with a knife provided the knife was made of noncorrosive polyethylene. Her aroma was beyond all human concepts of smell, a smell so strong that it warped the space-time continuum. This woman was stinky-poo and I don't just mean stinky-cheese or stinky-asafetida but stinky-POO. In fact, near her, I couldn't even smell the barfy cheese smell that permeated the market. Being near her made me want to start frantically rubbing my entire body with scented toilet paper. It was like being in a jail cell made entirely of poo. Summoning all my stamina, I prevented myself from flushing the giant invisible toilet this woman lived in as the clerk asked her if she had a Star Advantage Card. "I thought about bringing it," said Stinky-Poo, "...but I didn't." I noticed that her disposable rubber gloves were filthy. The clerk pushed the buttons that correspond to the imaginary Star Advantage Card number which is used for anyone who says they have a card but doesn't (everyone gets the discount, except for people who say "What's a card?") and the woman paid, then the clerk tried to hand her the bag she'd put the Cadbury bar into. "I don't want it," said Stink-O, "That was just for you to scan, I've got another one here." This explains why the candy bar was the only thing not shrouded in plastic bags from her personal stash: she had gotten a duplicate for the clerk to touch. Because grocery clerks obviously have more germs than Filthy Disgusting Odor Woman. It was the longest, stinkiest wait I've ever had in a line that short. Anyway, I need to stop shopping for groceries late at night on weekends. And the next time I'm in that market, I'm going to bring along my stamp pad and put big black fingerprints all over all the candy bars. -- K. Incidentally, I'm still wondering what would happen if Zeno showed up next to the francophone bozeau and started putting "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" bars between his groceries and the other "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" bar.