Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: 1999. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 09:33:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'd just like to say that it's only been 1999 for four and a half hours but I have already concluded: 1999 FEELS ALL WRONG. -- K. It's like we've just entered a stretch of time that smells funny. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Announcement! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 08:12:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor As a certifiable billionaire, it is my duty to announce that I plan to be the first person to travel all the way around Usenet in a hot-air balloon. I will start at the first newsgroup, 3dfx.d3d.drivers, and progress in a zee-ward direction through alt.* and comp.* and sci.* and so on up to zippo.general, at which point I will return to 3dfx.d3d.drivers and attempt to land. Currently my staff is working to secure permission to fly through the many moderated newsgroups, such as alt.aol-sucks.moderated, alt.binaries.celebrities.fake.moderated, and sci.physics.research. Wish me luck in not getting shot down over rec.sport.pro-wrestling.moderated! I would also like to point out that I am taking a year's supply of Pez, although this trip should be completed next week. I like having a balloon filled with Pez. Now, if you'll excuse me, Pezzelin 1 is ready for lift-off! -- K. VROOM! WHOOSH! ZOOM! (Yes, all hot-air balloons make supersonic turbine noises, at least when you're a billionaire.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Bad Idea. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 08:30:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just drained an almost-empty glue bottle into an almost-full glue bottle by putting one on top of the other upside down, like ketchup, only without that special plastic hole that Lillian Vernon sells for doing it for stupid people. I just put one bottle on top of the other. The problem is it's kind of hard to cap the bottles now that they're glued together. -- K. The good news is that I don't need any glue anyway! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Brain Failure. Clear the area immediately. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 07:11:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Remember when Jaffo posted proof that Jaffo was ST00PID because he forgot to rinse the shampoo out of his hair? Well, today I was making some microwave popcorn during a commercial in Mystery Science Theater 3000 ("Hobgoblins"). It turned out kind of stale, but that's beside the point. When I put the stupid bag of Orville Redenbacher's "Redenbudders" artificially flavored color-enhanced yellow-like popcorn into the microwave, I punched in "5:00" (I didn't type the colon, just 5-0-0) and hit "Start". Nothing happened and I wondered why. Then I noticed the door was wide open. I AM THE REASON THERE IS A SAFETY INTERLOCK EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK IN THE HOUSE OF TOMORROW! (Bill Gates has a safety interlock on his bed.) I should like to point out, as I have done before, that if I had wanted six or seven minutes I would have punched in "5:55" or "6:66" respectively. However, for five or eight minutes I will not do "4:44" or "7:77" -- the finger motion those save is offset by the fact that the food will overcook or undercook up to sixteen seconds instead of six. Thus, I have demonstrated that the amount of energy it takes to move a human finger half an inch can cook food for between six and sixteen seconds. QED. -- K. Also, Orville Redenbacher is having an affair with Mrs. Butterworth. A very messy, not to mention sticky, affair. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.fan.tom-servo:14555 alt.religion.kibology:222226 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.tom-servo Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Brain Failure. Clear the area immediately. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998 03:34:28 GMT References: <3687592c.1532370@news-f.std.com> Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0a015.std.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor X-Newsreader: Archimedes Plutonium's Electric Velcro Lines: 37 Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I should like to point out, as I have done before, that if I had wanted > > six or seven minutes I would have punched in "5:55" or "6:66" respectively. > > However, for five or eight minutes I will not do "4:44" or "7:77" -- the > > finger motion those save is offset by the fact that the food will overcook > > or undercook up to sixteen seconds instead of six. Thus, I have > > demonstrated that the amount of energy it takes to move a human finger > > half an inch can cook food for between six and sixteen seconds. QED. > > AUGH! Kibo has unwittingly revealed why I wear no pants! > Friction causes fire! Pants are fire hazards! Kibo, please hurry and > invent a sprinkler system for pants that does not include the special > chemicals added to the pre-moistened tissues that come with the new > urinal-shaped PEZ dispensers! You need to read H. G. Wells's "The New Accelerator", if you haven't already. Not only is it about how friction sets pants on fire, it also inspired the episode of "The Wild Wild Wild Wild Wild Wild West" which inspired "The Wizard Of Speed & Time". In the story, H. G. Well spends all his time running around naked because he burned his pants away, and then at the end he sets Spot on fire by throwing him through an umbrella at supersonic speed. Then his son becomes Ensign Greenbean! Alternatively, you could just use the bidet with your pants still on. Also note the mathematical progression implied if you substitute Trident gum for the Pez: bidet < trident < quadradadent < quintadadadadent -- K. (Cut to Marcel Duchamp riding a unicycle shaped like a bidet.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Brain Failure. Clear the area immediately. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 10:24:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jaffo (jaffo@jaffo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Remember when Jaffo posted proof that Jaffo was ST00PID because he forgot > > to rinse the shampoo out of his hair? > > I'm ready for 1999 now. I have proof that Kibo actually read one of > my posts. Wrong! In a court of law, all you can prove is that I know that you said you were ST00PID in all caps except for the O's which were in binary! I might have just gleaned the content of that message by assumption after I saw the "Subject:" header ("Proof that Jaffo is ST00PID") and said "Hey, my killfile's not working right. And I knew he was ST00PID in all caps with zeros for ohs. I will assume he doesn't know how to operate shampoo." > I've waited the entire year for this. > > Well, okay, actually I've waited the entire year for Shania Twain to > get naked for a prominent men's magazine. > > But that thing about Kibo was on my mind, too. > > At least I'm not in his killfile. Or at least I WASN'T, six months > ago when I wrote that. The fastest way to get into a mean person's killfile is to loudly point out that you're not in their killfile. > But wait. Maybe I've sucked a lot worse since then and I'm in his > killfile NOW, so I would be getting all happy for nothing. Did anyone hear a noise in here? Like a microscopic invisible silent insectoid paramecium flying around. > Whew. Glad I caught that in time. I almost gained a little > SELF-ESTEEM there. Don't worry, if that happens I'll just repost your first ten Usenet articles. Then you'll get your followups from me! But only to stuff you said years ago, which will make me older and smarter than you! -- K. Go watch TV. I think they're almost up to the "PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS" scene. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Content Advisory: This Site Contains Content. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 08:51:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Just for the HELL of it (HELL HELL HELL) I'm filling out the RSAC form for generating a kid-safe-ness rating for my Web site (www.kibo.com). This is my favorite question so far: > Moving through the list below in order from top to bottom, please click > the first button of the content descriptor that applies to your content. > Does your content portray: > > (v4) wanton, gratuitous violence No, because Spot only dies when he deserves it. > (v4) extreme blood and gore No, because Spot is too small to contain excess gore. > (v4) rape No, because nobody mentioned on my site has any sexual functionality, especially in Club 91. > (v3) blood and gore This would be a problematic question for the Red Cross if Al Gore ever visits Liz Dole while she's collecting blood. > (v3) intentional aggressive violence Naah, I only punched out all those people by accident. > (v3) death to human beings Death TO human beings? I'M GONNA KILL TO YOU!!! I'M GONNA PUT A KILL IN AN ENVELOPE AND MAIL IT TO YOU AND THEN YOU'LL TO DIE!!! > (v2) the destruction of realistic objects with an implied social presence This is the most fascinating question. Do I ever blow up any inanimate objects that are among our country's movers and shakers? > (v1) injury to human beings OW! THIS QUESTIONNAIRE GAVE ME A HEADACHE!!! > (v1) the death of non-human beings resulting from natural acts or accidents Well, I was about to choose that one, but I don't think any of Spot's hundreds of deaths has been from a _natural_ act. > (v1) damage to or disappearance of realistic objects? So when your crazy old uncle pulls a nickel out of your ear and makes it disappear, he's being violent against you, or against the nickel? Against Thomas Jefferson? > (v0) sports violence Like when Wile E. Coyote gets hit on the head with a bowling ball dropped from a Clarke orbit. > (v0) none of the above I SWEAR MY SITE IS EMPTY. KIDS ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO SEE EMPTY SITES AND/OR SPORTS VIOLENCE WHICH IS THE SAME THING. Anyway, because I'm fundamentally honest, I think that "(v1) the death of non-human beings resulting from natural acts or accidents" is probably the most relevant. They don't have a category for Spot, "(vx) God hates Spot." Also, in the language category, I picked "mild expletives" which is the same score as "non-sexual anatomical references", "mild terms for bodily functions", and -- believe it or not -- "slang". "slang" is language badness "L1", while "none of the above" is "L0"). I said there was no sex, not even kissing, on my Web site, because my Web site is so well-adjusted that it thinks that KISSING IS ICKY! Also, I said there was no frontal nudity. (I didn't count the picture of Animal 57, as it was wearing a glass aquarium.) So now they've given me my very own Platform Independent Content Selector: Gee, I don't see why I couldn't just have put a note on my site which says in actual English, "Warning! Spot gets crushed a lot. Ask your parents!" "Now Danny, remember, while surfing, don't look at any sites that have S greater than or equal to 2 and/or have a total of N plus S plus V plus L greater than or equal to 4 after factoring in the no-fudge factor." I should also point out that the N (nudity), S (sex), V (violence), and L (language) scales go from 0 to 4, so I expect we will start seeing porn sites labelling themselves "(n 10 s 10 v 10 l 11)" to attract perverts. Hell, I just said the word "porn". Waah, my PICS-Label is ruined!!! -- K. And how come there's no B (bozosity) category? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Disney Dollars Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:48:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, here's the new economic model for alt.religion.kibology: 1.) At any refreshment stand within alt.religion.kibology you may freely convert regular boring money into Kibology Dollars at a one-to-one exchange rate. 2.) Alt.religion.kibology closes for the weekend the moment you change your money to Kibology Dollars. 3.) Then you have to fly back to some stupid city that doesn't take Kibology Dollars. Thus, we can make money even at the 1:1 exchange rate, because you have to factor stupidity into the left and my genius into the right. -- K. Do Disney Dollars work in the slot machines at Disneyland? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Disturbing Commercial #9658. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 11:05:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Do you ever get the feeling that all the Ad Men decided about five years ago that TV commercials would only stick in our brains unless they had deliberately unintentional-seeming disturbing catchphrases? ("It's like toilet paper for your cat!") Today's example: The gaggle of ads for the American Family Publishers' Sweepstakes junk mail. These are TV commercials for junk mail that wants you to send back your form so that they can add you to the "THERE'S A LIVE ONE AT THIS ADDRESS" roster. (You know, like that junk E-mail that says "Send the word 'remove' to pleasespammesomemore.com to inform us that you personally read this spam.") Now, for years and years American Family Publishers' has used Ed McMahon's face (and also Dick Clark's in past years, just like TV's "TV's Super Bloopers And New Practical Jokes") on the envelope to remind old people that this junk mail is better than all the other sweepstakes junk mail (Reader's Digest, etc.) because it has a smiling old person on it, the way they put a smiling dog on dog food and a smiling baby on baby food. Do the ads say "Look for the envelope that has ED'S FACE on it!"? No, they say "WATCH FOR ED'S HEAD!" Okay, fine. So Ed McMahon and Jayne Mansfield and Isadora Duncan are zipping down the highway in their silver Spyder and they crash into Kelsey Grammer driving NBC's "Viper", and Ed is decapitated by one of the flying panes of glass from a late-eighties "Movie Of The Week" logo, then Ed's head bounces in through the front window of a split-level ranch home and lands in some little old lady's lap and she says, "WOW! I WON!" At least, that's what it makes me THINK will happen. Strike THINK, insert WISH. Also note that the graphic on the envelopes has Ed's head in the center of a dartboard! Poor Ed. He used to have such a dignified career, sitting twenty feet to the side of Johnny Carson while amusing himself quietly and occasionally acknowledging Johnny's existence. Now he's gone from holding up cans of Smiling Dog between Johnny's segments to being the smiling dog. -- K. Remember how in the fifties there was a kids' show that had the opening title painted on the top of Ed's head? I am not making this up. He was a clown back then. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: dot-eye-cue Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:26:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor You know, what with the U.S. just blowing up a bunch of their military installations again, you'd think Saddam Hussein would have something better to complain about than "We don't have Internet access because of the U.N. economic sanctions." Just think -- if Iraq gets on the Internet, we're going to start seeing posts from Iraqi newsbies using cheap imitation WebTVs. The ironic part of this is that all their E-mail addresses would end with ".webtv.IQ" and everyone would think they were really brainy. (By the way, last I saw, the .IQ domain's nameserver was in Texas.) So I say to prevent this from happening, (1) We must bomb Iraq some more, and (2) We must blow up WebTV! -- K. I'm still jealous of the guy who thought of claiming www.aq. (.AQ is Antarctica.) "The Weinermobile is a vehicle with a large imitation hot dog on top." -- CNN Headline News just now ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.cereal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:25:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A TV commercial comes on during the morning cartoons. It shows a bowl of sugar-coated cardboard flakes and asks, "HOW DO THEY CRAM ALL THAT GRAHAM?" and then there's a power failure and the TV explodes in the darkness. (pause) A BOZO will say, "Yeah, how DO they cram all that graham?" A NORMAL will say, "WHY do they cram all that graham?" A KIBOLOGIST will say, "WHERE do they cram all that graham, and where are the incriminating photographs?" If you are not a Bozo, Normal, or Kibologist, then you need to watch more cartoons every morning until you become at least one of the three. Also, graham crackers were invented to inhibit masturbation in boys. I am not making this up. (And when I was in Sunday school snacktime was ALWAYS Kool-Aid and graham crackers. Did Sid & Marty Krofft also design the Kool-Aid pitcher to inhibit normal sexuality? I suspect that they did, because, hey, "The Bugaloos".) -- K. Why does the new "Fantasy Island" have wacky music playing during all the serious scenes? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.cereal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1998 05:05:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Allen (103127.355@compuserve.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > In academics, you cite sources. No, no, that's Outside academics, you sight sources. Inside academics, it's too dark to see. HOW THE PAJAMAS GOT INTO THE ACADEMIC I'LL NEVER KNOW! Now I'll slip out of these wet pants and into a dry martini. Say the secret woid and winna hunnerd dollars! And an enema! "Groucho, this man is dead. An enema won't help!" Well, it couldn't hoit! > > In Usenet, it works differently. Kibo just says "I am not making this up". > > I remember reading that somewhere too, but I don't remember where. I invented that catchphrase at the same time I was inventing the smiley with my other hand. I am not making this up. I am completely uncreative and I cannot lie. The following sentence is false. You will not give me a million dollars. > Wow, I just joined a thread started by Kibo. This is as close to nerd > heaven as being included in the Oracularities (which I've also had > happen). It's fun here in Nerd Heaven. Especially because I put up a big sign saying "NO NERDS ALLOWED" so it's filled only with nerds who think they're COOL. You know, the ones who use Linux. "You'll be having dinner with Groucho TONIGHT if you don't shut up!" -- Homer Simpson Come to Nerd Heaven. At Nerd Heaven, Groucho Marx always eats free! -- K. And at Denny's, Hitler always eats free! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 06:54:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, graham crackers were invented to inhibit masturbation in boys. > > I am not making this up. > > I remember a cereal called "S.W. Graham" and the box sang praises of > how graham crackers were the most wholesome food in the universe. > All this time I just figured other food was just more risque. Yes, especially the cereal with holes in it. And those new Trix with the little banana shapes. NEVER MIX THEM WITH CHEERIOS!!! > In academics, you cite sources. In Usenet, it works differently. > Kibo just says "I am not making this up". This proves that he is > not the same person as Archimedes Plutonium because he admits to > making everything up. I admit to making up everything except Archimedes Plutonium and the stuff about cereals that don't make you masturbate the way regular cereals do. > I'd like to hear more about how the inventors figured that a new > type of yummy cracker could curb wanking. Then you would probably enjoy the fact-based, enema-oriented movie "The Road To Wellville", in which Matthew Broderick gets 573 different enemas from Dr. Kellogg. Alas, the movie doesn't go into detail about the feud between the Kellogg brothers over who had the right to make corn flakes, although I do recall that it does show C. W. Post dropping in on Dr. Kellogg's sanitarium to rip off the recipe for granola. Then, if you've enjoyed that movie, you should enjoy other fine movies by Alan Parker, such as "Bugsy Malone", in while Scott Baio sings and dances while spraying whipped cream at other kids dressed like gangsters riding Flintstone cars while the whipped cream hardens into cement and Scott Baio sounds like Paul Williams, and not the good one who hung around with Philip K. Dick but the one who was on "Babylon 5". Finally, these Alan Parker movies should demonstrate conclusively that there are things which can prevent orgasm for up to three weeks after exposure, especially if you see them on a big screen. -- K. I was going to say something about pens that write on butter but this post is Freudian enough. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How To Spot A Kibologist. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 07:04:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor All right, here's another way to spot a Kibologist with the help of your faithful friend, television. A commercial comes on for the Fisher Space Pen and the announcer explains that it writes on butter, underwater, and in outer space. A BOZO would say, "Wow! I want one!" A NORMAL would say, "Why would anyone write on their butter?" A KIBOLOGIST would buy one then hop aboard a Space Shuttle, fill it with water, and start writing on a stick of butter underwater in outerspace. THERE ARE NO OTHER CHOICES. IF YOU SAID, "Change the channel, Mom!" YOU WILL BE FIRST AGAINST THE WALL WHEN THE REVOLUTION COMES, AND WE HAVE MACHINE GUNS THAT CAN WRITE OUR NAMES IN BUTTER!!! -- K. SQUIBSQUIBSQUIBSQUIBSQUIBSQUIB!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: I LOVE YOU ALL! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:08:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'd just like to remind everyone on alt.religion.kibology that while I may sometimes appear outwardly bitter and mean and cruel and generally evil, I really do love all of you. Even the guy who lives with his parents and the guy who's really old and that gal who uses a WebTV and that guy who refuses to explain any of my science-fiction TV jokes now that he has a PhD and no longer has to do any science work. Collectively, I love those of you who are newbies, I love those of you who are old farts, I love those of you who are both, I love those of you who are neither. I love the crazy people too. I love that guy who wants to blow up the Moon to cure AIDS, and that guy who wants to soft-land the Moon to prove that he loves coconut, and that woman who is obsessed with blotches and ninkers, and even that guy who keeps saying things about the Little Brown Dwarf that nobody can understand, even in outer space. I love the people who decided that there should be 45 minutes of commercials in every 90-minute "Star Trek" rerun on the Sci-Fi channel, and I love the people who created NBC's "seaQuest DSV", and I love the people who cancelled NBC's "seaQuest DSV", and I even love the idiots who love NBC's "seaQuest DSV". I love "Small Wonder", I love "Space: 1999", I love "Battlestar: Galactica", and I love "Galactica: 1980" and "Battlestar Galactica: The Movie" most of all. I love Hair Like Vegetable Soup, I love durians, I love asafetida, I love Mentos, Orbitz, Zima, and Pez, and I love the rich buttery taste of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter all by itself. Now let's all hug so I can spray all of you with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter at the same time. -- K. And Magic Shell. You people look like you could use some Magic Shell. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I LOVE YOU ALL! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 07:00:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'd just like to remind everyone on alt.religion.kibology that while > > I may sometimes appear outwardly bitter and mean and cruel and generally > > evil, I really do love all of you. > > I'll bet he'll never admit to loving Desi Arnaz Jr., though. Okay, if I have to choose between loving everyone and hating everyone, the existence of Desi Arnaz Jr. forces me to HATE YOU ALL. It's Little Ricky's fault I DON'T LIKE YOU ANY MORE! Though I do still like fried okra. -- K. Anagrams prove that KARO syrup is OKRA slime! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: JESUS H. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 06:42:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "It's like toilet paper for your cat!" -- TV commercial Please tell me I don't have to review this for my Web site. -- K. Also the commercial has Standard Cat Meow #1 (1979) in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: JESUS H. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 12:16:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also the commercial has Standard Cat Meow #1 (1979) in it. > > "Who is Kibo?" > > "Kibo can enumerate meows." > > "Cooooool." Also, unlike Catholicism, Kibology allows for cardinalization of meows. That gal with the big gun will now shoot you before you can say something confusing 'ordinal' and 'ordination'. -- K. Nobody ever shoots me, because I'm Kibo! And if nobody ever shoots you, it's because you're NOT Kibo! And everyone shoots Chevy Chase! I hope. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Man Of The Year, 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 11:18:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just realized that I don't know who Time magazine's Man Of The Year 1998 is, nor do I care. I lost all faith in them when they started having non- people as the Man Of The Year, like in the early eighties when computers were invented and the Man Of The Year was "The Computer", or in the mid-eighties when it was "The Woman" during that year when women became equal to men. I suppose this year they could pick an actual newsmaker, and not a capitalized common noun, as the Man Of The Year. They could go with Bill Clinton or Monica Lewinsky or Bill Gates or Furby, but in all four cases they'd have to print that little box they have whenever they select someone other than Mother Theresa, "The Man Of The Year is selected to represent the person who was in the news the most, not someone anyone likes. In 1938, we picked HITLER!!! And we still don't admit we ever liked him!!!" But I do know that next year they'll have a non-person on the cover, because the 1999 Man Of The Year is going to be "The Y2K Bug". And they'll have a cover illustration of this big preying mantis made out of semicircles cut out of ridged construction paper with a big scary human mouth pasted on. I like that the Y2K bug accounts for about 20% of all TV news now because it's fascinating that we finally have a major news story that is actually (a) content free AND (b) has no visuals at the same time. They're supposed to either pick a non-story that has pictures (an apple much like THESE ONES AT YOUR LOCAL SUPERMARKET might have once had Alar on it!) or a real story that doesn't have pictures (there's a BUDGET PROBLEM SOMEWHERE IN THE GOVERNMENT!) but it's so much fun to watch them tackling something paranoid without the substance or the visuals to merit so much air time. Plus, it's a technical computer-related story, so it's even more fun watching the anchors trying to say words like "ROM BIOS". Given that the TV news hasn't yet discovered the potential of "A COUPLE OF WACKOS SAY THE MILLENNIUM ACTUALLY STARTS IN 2001, NOT 2000, BECAUSE THE FIRST CENTURY WAS 1 TO 100!" stories yet, when they make a token attempt at this AFTER the enormous party on December 31, 1999 everyone will laugh. But of course they'll do that anyway because everyone knows the millennium is determined by whenever all the computers in the world explode. And I stand by my assertion: Anyone who says the 20th century is the years 1901-2000, not 1900-1999, is going to be called A CRAZY PERSON, especially on TV. TV ALWAYS MAKES SANE PEOPLE SEEM EVEN CRAZIER THAN BOZOS THINK THEY ARE!! -- K. Has anyone proposed putting all the Government's computers on an airplane and flying them all west around the world for twenty-four hours so that they can stay ahead of midnight the whole way and just skip January 1? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Man Of The Year, 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:48:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just wrote: > > [...] next year [Time will] have a non-person on the cover, > because the 1999 Man Of The Year is going to be "The Y2K Bug". CNN Headline News (aka Time magazine) just told me that Lake Superior State University has published a list of "banished" words which is topped with "Y2K". I think we should set up a special island with razor-wire around it where all the banished words can live normal lives as far away from me as possible. We can send Y2K there with so many others, and soon. Just let me keep my "doidy". -- K. Meanwhile, Lake Inferior State University just renamed their football team "The Y2Ks". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Mike Jittlov's getting his Web site up and running at last... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1998 08:36:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Yeah, I know I'm not the first to break the news to alt.fan.mike-jittlov. BUT I'M THE LOUDEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also I was the one who told Mike that some Web browsers allow animated background images, hence his little moving starfield (which gives me a craving for 7-up.) Sorry. ------------------------------------------------> http://www.wizworld.com (Note: there should be exactly five "w"s in that address. Or ten "u"s.) The site is still being worked on. Among the things you MAY or MAY NOT learn the answers to on the site: "Jittlov?" Who are you? What IS all this? Where is this movie? Where's a soundtrack CD? Do you have any logo T-shirts? How do you make special effects? Where are the WoSaT desktop icons? Do you have any more free software? Why does this look like a Christmas tree? How did your Jittlov Font crash my computer? How do you turn OFF the animated background-gif? Why do you want to leave Hollywood and go to Norway? How come the Internet Movie Database gives your low-budget movie a higher rating than megabuck Hollywood epics? Why aren't you married and/or making more movies? (Hey, don't blame me if it's a little asymmetrical, for some reason when I pasted it in, it skewed like Matlock's Q score.) Be sure to look for the tiny, well-hidden link to make the background stars swim around vertiginously, and click on the large obvious poster-shaped link to read an advertisement for autographed posters which may actually be larger than the posters themselves. You can also see, up close and personal, Mike's evil Mickey Mouse-shaped death ray laser satellite and incredibly rare and precious Sugar Smacks box showing Mr. Spock looking uncomfortable at being the stand-in for Dig 'Em The Talking Frog With No Remaining Teeth. And, of course, there are lots of other action photos of Mike (pick up your computer and wave it back and forth real fast to simulate ACTUAL ACTION!) and links to several other recommended Web sites, except for mine, which for some reason is hidden directly between the words "IRWIN ALLEN" and "ALBERT EINSTEIN". Check out Mike's Web site and you'll say, "HEY! I didn't know Web browsers could display fluorescent lettering!" -- K. Then when you're through memorizing Mike's site, head on over to mine and soothe your eyes on my restful text-oriented pages. I'll let you guess the URL: It rhymes with "double you double you double you dot KIBO dot BOMB." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Norwegian chocolate (now with correctly spelled subject line.) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:36:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor To the good people in alt.fan.mike-jittlov -- and the rest of 'em too -- Mike sent me some Norwegian candy bars. Norwegian chocolate tastes a lot like British chocolate, except the wrappers have funny nonsense words on them like "KVIKK LUNSJ" which kind of makes up for the waxiness. He told me that tonight he and his mom have been stringing up persimmons around the house to dry. Lots of them. I suggested they could all be replaced with one durian. -- K. Also, we reminisced for a while about the Adams Novelties 99c magic tricks we had when we were kids which were about as difficult to perform as any of David Copperfield's (except you put a cigarette in and push the button instead of putting a girl in and pushing a button) except that Mike had some weird kind of cigarette guillotine that actually COULD hurt his finger. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "seaQuest" Cap Gets Me Noticed -- Part 2 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 10:15:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.tv.seaquest, Leigh Hanlon (lthanlon@enteract.com) wrote: > > Last night, I was walking through the parking lot at my friendly > neighborhood Osco Drug when an older woman approached me, pointed at my > "seaQuest" cap with no small amount of anger and began *screaming* at me in > an Eastern European language (probably Polish). > > I'm wondering: Did the Nazis use a blue triangle to identify any group > placed in concentration camps? No, but Hitler did have an elite troop of commandos called "The SeaQuest Brigade" (usually called "the SQ") whose insignia was a hammerhead shark swimming through a blue swastika. This woman probably just mistook you for an evil person because you like "seaQuest". -- K. The reverse happens to me all the time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.dreams.lucid,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: #80 The End Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:10:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.dreams.lucid, "Mauvey" (twodar@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > When I use the United States Flag as a Symbol to calculate > a "lie" percentage, I come up with the following % figure: If 9-1/2 > people are lied to, that would make 95% were told lies. And the person who told the half a person a whole lie was a Kibologist. By the way, did you ever figure out who was behind all those blockers and nitches? I tried to look out my window for blockers and nitches but all I saw was this huge opaque rectangle covering the whole sky, with some little cubbyholes in it. So I didn't see any blockers or nitches. > By October 1996, I evaluated all the lies that were said to me. > The words of a person who I would call "A Drug Specialist" were: > "Medicine is a game!" IT SURE AIN'T BRAIN SURGERY!!! > There was also an aura speaking: "I make more money > withholding effective medicines. My Job is to cut my Mother's > throat. Sorry, honey, but I win...you lost!" You know, you would be no fun at all on "The Newlywed Game". And I can just imagine that if I ever go to Hell, you will be my celebrity partner on "Password". "Blockers..." > To me the man was saying: "Iam Goddamn, Goddamn Iam > The Prince of Lies. I sit Second to God, and God knows exactly > who I am." > I live in an Era where a person's simple search for Truth can > turn into a modern-day venture like looking for the Holy Grail. > If I can not find Truth here, I know that I could always travel > to the Heavens. > I prayed with both hands to go where the Devil's brigade and > the Angels meet. Yes, to go inside Heaven's Gate where GOD > cups his hands and caress us all. But only if you're wearing black Nikes with the white swoosh. > So, I again prepared for another trip. I gathered a curse to fill one > hand (which could already be someone else's prayer). "May you die > the way you murder," and in the other I carried a prayer (that could > be someone else's curse). "May your lies be like tattoos and printed > all over your body." Cool! That means that Kurt Vonnegut has the Star Spangled Banner printed all over his flabby old butt! > In a finger snap, I was there standing before His Magnificence. > The Big Man, the Lord Himself, stood ten feet before me. > God looked at me and asked, "Where's the White Horse?" > "Oh," I briefly pondered and remembered the White Horse. > The Lord had given me a White Horse and said: "Should you > get off the White Horse for any reason, it will be your DOOM. > You'll not come back a thief twice." > Quickly, I replied, "I didn't get off the White Horse. It disappeared. > It was stolen. The Death Rider has it now." I clearly remembered > the day that the mount disappeared. I had placed my ear to the > ground and I could feel the vibrations of the horse's hoofs as the > rider approached. I could hear the approaching Rider say: "You > lost the cold war. You lost the cold war." > I quickly explained: "When DEATH appeared, it came like a herd > of speeding, stampeding horses and ran over my counterpart. > My poor soul mate lay there almost dead. There was only a > tiny spark of life. I could see by the dust cloud that the herd had > circled and was now waiting on the high hill to the right. They were > waiting to stampede again." > God said, "So." > I couldn't understand what God was saying when He Spoke. So? (By the way, it's a bad sign when you talk to God and He flips you off.) > HIS words placed me beside myself. "So," I blurted. "So, is > something that I would expect from a mere mortal. Certainly, not > from the likes of YOU." Again I pointed to the horses standing > on the high hill and asked, "Don't you see those horses?" > God lifted his arm. By each horse appeared a standing soldier. > Each soldier was holding a horse's mane high. Both a horse and > a soldier stood at the top of the hill to which I was pointing. > God turned to me, saying, "I'll give you the Brown Ass." EE-YADDA-DADDA, DADDA-DADDA-DADDA, DEE-YADDA-DADDA-DADDA, EE-YADDA-DADDA-DADDA, I'LL GIVE YOU THE BROWN ASS, NOWWWWW ONNNN SAAAAALE AAAAAT SEARS!!!! > I shrugged my shoulders, and God pointed to the Angels asking, > "How do the Angels sing?" The Angels all clothed in white had > gathered, "Sing soft sweet and low." Again God asked: "Where > do the Angels go?" Again the Angels harmonized, "To Truth > what do you think Jesus was all about?" > Then God slightly moved his hand backward, and the hill became > a full circle. I saw many horses standing at the top of the full circle, > but I woke before I saw if each standing horse had a soldier. Never mind that, what color were their asses? -- K. And stop making fun of Roy Scheider! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 6 deaths and responsibilities of our city public library personnel. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 10:46:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > BPL's security book inspection and information department's: > 1. special library assistant5 Paul Rossetti, > 2. special library assistant1 Douglas Caraganis, > 3. special library assistant1 James Gill and > > 4. city public library departmental desk personnel > 5. BPL president Bernie Margolis, > 6. program development analyst Dana Rizzotti and > 7. Hall's Security Analyst uniformed city public library guards Wait, that's seven people! MY GOD! DON KILLED ANOTHER PERSON WHILE MAKING THIS POST! He's rubbed out seven Boston Public Library bigwigs so far... won't someone please stop him before he kills the rest of them? DON, PLEASE DON'T BLOW UP THE BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY! THERE WOULD BE READER'S DIGEST CONDENSED BOOKS ALL OVER TOWN! -- K. Also it wouldn't have much effect given that all the books are mis-shelved anyway. Mostly by Don. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A further explanation Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:36:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Syadoz" (meanmeso@roanoke.infi.net) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin) writes: > > > > > > "Jabberjaw": Everything is underwater and in the future because it's the > > > future Underwater United States of Underwater America in Underwater 2076 > > > A.D. so naturally there's a talking hark who says Rodney Dangerfield's tag > > > line in a Curly the Stooge voice. > > > > > > Wait, let me read that again. I'm sure it followed the schema. > > > > IWPTA [I wackyparsed that as] "sh'ma". So instead there's a big stupid > > shark speaking Hebrew underwater in the future in a Curly the Stooge voice, Wait... one of the Stooges was Jewish? Also, do you just call him Curly THE Stooge to keep me from getting confused with Curly The French Fries, from Taco The Bell and The Burger King? I WILL NOT MENTION PIZZA THE HUT BECAUSE I WILL NOT STOOP TO STEALING LAME MATERIAL FROM MEL BROOKS'S "SPACEBALLS", ESPECIALLY ALL THE SCENES WITH JANE BADLER, OR ANY OF THE STUFF WITH JERRY SEINFELD'S DAD AS THE ROBOT. > > with special guest star Bela Lugosi as future underwater Dracula wearing a > > star of David medallion, so when someone holds up a cross to him he says > > "Oy, have YOU got the wrong vampire". > > I usually dislike the vampire genre, but I really enjoy this vampire cartoon > you are describing, "Forever Knight Ridder". I get a kick out of that Welsh > Israeli vampire queen, Bala Cynwydd Lugosi, voiced by Tony Curtis. Melanie > Griffith is the one who bites him first. I like how the vampire wants to > become human, to get away from Melanie Griffith and her posse, so he decides > to become a cop. > > Armenio Banderas does the voice of Cynwydd's crime fighting partner, Xander. > So sad, when he died last week of a heart attack. > > I wonder who they will get as a replacement. The rumor is that the new cop > will be called Buffy, and they are considering either Peter Scolari or Anissa > Jones for the voiceover. > > Tom Cruise does the voice of Cynwydd's boss, Officer Krupke. > > I also really like how Bala rides around in a talking squad car. The car is > really his deceased lover, Kip. Remember when they introduced Tom Hanks' > voicover in that episode, "My Lover the Car"? > > Also Bala has some of the nicest hair. I wonder if it is real or if he > borrowed it from Shatner. > > Also, I really like it when they are fighting crime, and those twin clown cars > come out. > > This is such a cute cartoon You forgot that when the talking car turns into the two clown cars, it can only do it when the two clown cars are nowhere near each other. Also there has to be this fake fake Wesley Crusher guy named "SeaQuest" because he wears a little vial around his neck containing Roy Scheider's ashes. > > Also, I finally saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. For the first > > time. Ever. This weekend. Did you see the director's cut, or the tee-vee one where they took out all the scenes where the Oompa-Loompas get naked? I remember when I was a kid that that movie made me cry and cry and that was just the typography. -- K. YAAAAAGH! FLEXITRONING ART NOVEAU LETTERS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.torture,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Alka Seltzer Tablets w/enema Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 09:04:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.torture, "kitty cat" (kittycat35@webtv.net) wrote: > > Anyone ever done this? What, put an entire message in the "Subject:" header? Oh, you mean, has anyone ever had an Alka Seltzer enema? I think that Dr. Alexander Abian would qualify, as the yellow ("raspberry") flavor of Orbitz is basically stale Alka-Seltzer. I should point out that at the time (Feburary 12, 1997) it was described in the science newsgroups as "a near-fatal Orbitz enema" so I recommend that you not try to replicate this experiment -- there's a risk that you could end up dead, or worse, like Dr. Abian. See these two articles from a year and three-quarters ago for full details. ///////// re-run zone /// re-run zone /// re-run zone /// re-run zone ///////// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: JETLAG IS A NEUROLOGICAL EFFECT NOT CAUSED BY TIME ZONES Newsgroups: sci.physics, sci.astro, sci.math, alt.religion.kibology Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 12 Feb 1997 11:51:48 GMT In sci.physics, sci.astro, and sci.math, Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > Abian declares: > > [...] > Jet lag occurs because, when traveling at high speeds at high altitude, > the brain EXPERIENCES MORE TIME than it would had it been stationary > at sea-level for the same length of earth-clock-time. THIS is why we > feel tired after flying. We have actually been awake for longer than we > think. Banish the earth-clock on long travels, and the body will reject > the fraud of "jet lag". Better yet, take the clock on the plane with you, and throw it out the window, so that you can see time fly! (confetti falls and dancing girls parade across the stage as John Williams conducts 78 trombones playing the Womp Womp Overture. Kibo bows, gracefully exposing his genius to all. There is a five-minute pause before Abian gets the funny funny pun, as he is suffering from a phrenological condition which causes joke lag.) > Alexander Abian: Equivalence of Mass and Time (1990) > Albert Einstein: Equivalence of Mass and Energy (1905) > THERE WAS NO BIG BANG. THERE WAS A BIG SUCK INTO THE VOID OF SPACE (1995) I hear Harlan Ellison once met Alexander Abian, and Dr. Abian said "What would you say to a Big Suck?" and Harlan said, "Hello, big suck!" > WE MUST JOLT THE PLANET EARTH INTO A NEW ORBIT. IF JOLTING OF THE > PLANET EARTH REQUIRES THE BLOWING UP THE MOON OR BLASTING THE > MOON INTO PIECES OR AT LEAST JOLTING THE MOON IN ORDER TO JOLT THE > PLANET EARTH - SO BE IT (1990). WE MUST DESTROY THE EARTH TO MOVE THE MOON TO PREVENT COOTIES ON EARTH. OR ELSE AT LEAST BRING BACK NBC'S "SUPERTRAIN". > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > ABIAN MASS-TIME EQUIVALENCE FORMULA m = Mo(1-exp(T/(kT-Mo))) Abian units. > ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT AND TILT - STOP GLOBAL DISASTERS AND EPIDEMICS > ALTER THE SOLAR SYSTEM. REORBIT VENUS INTO A NEAR EARTH-LIKE ORBIT > TO CREATE A BORN AGAIN EARTH (1990) GIVE ABIAN A NEAR-FATAL ORBITZ ENEMA TO CREATE A POLKA-DOTTED TICKLE ME ELMO -- K. Now it's *your* job to explain my phlezofiglic theorem to Dr. Abian. From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: JETLAG IS A NEUROLOGICAL EFFECT NOT CAUSED BY TIME ZONES ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 05:57:36 GMT Doctorb Science wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > > > > > WE MUST JOLT THE PLANET EARTH INTO A NEW ORBIT. IF JOLTING OF THE > > > PLANET EARTH REQUIRES THE BLOWING UP THE MOON OR BLASTING THE > > > MOON INTO PIECES OR AT LEAST JOLTING THE MOON IN ORDER TO JOLT THE > > > PLANET EARTH - SO BE IT (1990). > > > > WE MUST DESTROY THE EARTH TO MOVE THE MOON TO PREVENT COOTIES ON EARTH. > > OR ELSE AT LEAST BRING BACK NBC'S "SUPERTRAIN". > > WE MUST USE HIGH-ENERGY LASERS TO CARVE THE NAME "ABIAN" INTO THE MOON > BEFORE BLOWING UP THE SEKRIT MOON NUCLEAR ROCKET BASE AND SMASHING THE MOON > INTO THE EARTH TO TURN THE PACIFIC OCEAN INTO JOLT COLA. SO LET IT BE > WRITTEN, SO LET IT BE DONE (1999). We must also install gigantic dams and locks to keep the Jolt Cola ocean from mixing with the O.K. Soda ocean and the Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda ocean. Also we must change the combination on Loch Ness. > > GIVE ABIAN A NEAR-FATAL ORBITZ ENEMA TO CREATE A POLKA-DOTTED TICKLE ME ELMO > > Can't touch this. Word! > > -- K. > > Now it's *your* job to explain my > > phlezofiglic theorem to Dr. Abian. > > Well, maybe if we gave Abian a near-fatal orbitz enema and then his body > heat differential made him into a kind of opaque lava lamp, then that would > be worth the effort. Nobody would beable to see it, and therefore every > individual lump of orbitz would SIMULTANEOUSLY BE GOING UP AND DOWN, AT THE > SAME TIME!!!!!11!!! AS I AM DOING, NOW!!1!!!! " " Quantum Cola Presents: SCHRODINGER'S ORBITZ. Drink it down, it's coming right up! It's got dots that float and umlauts that hover! Comes in five fruity flavors: PaLE BoYSeNBErrY BLu3 RAzBErrY D0T BaNaNa PLaZmA TIM3-WaRP TICKLe-mE ELB0W MaCARoNIUM NEuTR0N0UGaT and D0UBL3 aBIaN LuNaR BLAsT " " Increase your energy state, drink Schrodinger's Orbitz before it drinks you! -- K. There's also a flavor of crunchy new KibOs(TM) named for Dr. Abian: SUPER FLAKY ABIAN 'N NUTS ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: ATM Envelope Warning! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 11:37:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.kids, jroos@my-dejanews.com, who has no Real Name, wrote: > > Don't know if this is true or not, but make sure you check them before you > lick and tell your kids! > > [massively forwarded urban legend believed by paranoid bozos begins; > I've deleted several entreaties along the lines of "FORWARD THIS TO > ALL THE PEOPLE YOU BELIEVE ARE YOUR FRIENDS, THIS IS NO JOKE!"] > > >> >Some SICK INDIVIDUAL is putting massive "hits" of LSD on the > >> >deposit > >> >envelopes at automatic teller machines ("ATM"'s)!!! Yes, by all means, be SURE TO TELL YOUR KIDS THAT THEY CAN GET FREE DRUGS AT THE BANK!!! QUICK, KIDS, TO THE BANK!!! PEOPLE ARE GIVING AWAY HUGE QUANTITIES OF EXPENSIVE DRUGS!!! > >> >The drug is absorbed through the saliva glands simply by licking > >> >the > >> >envelope. With your armpit. > >> >Unsuspecting people are being caught unawares and are "tripping > >> >out" without even knowing it! It's an experience so subtle you won't even notice it! Now THAT'S a head trip! > >> >Let me repeat this: These envelopes are laced with DRUGS. If you > >> >or your > >> >child gets any of the above, do not handle them. These are known > >> >to react > >> >quickly and some are laced with strychnine, which may cause > >> >irreversible > >> >brain damage in some cases. The drug is ADDICTIVE and, in the > >> >quantities > >> >contained in the above items, can cause children and adults to > >> >become > >> >additcts!!! And in even high quandtitites it can cause adtuldts to become addticdts! > >> >According to news reports, a college student in Alabama fell victim > >> > to this > >> >horrible hoax when he managed to lick three such envelopes after > >> >forgetting > >> >to include all of his parents' checks on his way to a job > >> >interview... SO REMEMBER KIDS, NEVER GO TO JOB INTERVIEWS!!! > >> >physicians have estimated he consumed over ten times > >> >the amount > >> >someone of his body weight could handle. Of course he didn't get > >> >the job. > >> > His future is destroyed not to mention the years of therapy he'll > >> >need to > >> >stop the terrible flashbacks!!! Therapy stops flashbacks? I thought harp music and ripply glass in front of the lens stopped them. > >> >It aslo happened to a subway operator who had to stop his train > >> >between > >> >stations (underground) when he thought he was going crazy. If he had been REALLY crazy, he would have stopped the subway train between stations (at fifty thousand feet)! > >> >A spokesman for Chase Manhattan says that his bank is considering > >> >switching > >> >to "lickless" envelopes, but says that right now, it costs to much > >> >to make > >> >the changeover. This is crazy! You MUST write to your Congress > >> >member NOW, > >> >and DEMAND that they pass legislation REQUIRING the use of lickless > >> >envelopes at ALL financial institutions! You're life may depend > >> >on it!!! SO WRITE LETTERS TO ALL YOUR CONGRESSMEN TODAY AND BE SURE TO LICK THE ENVELOPE ALL OVER BEFORE YOU MAIL IT!!! > >> >As it is, officials can't keep up with the problem. The chief > >> >research > >> >scientist at the Chemical Dependency Research Institute,emphasized > >> >that > >> >"it's easy to mix up a batch of liquid LSD. The chemicals you need > >> >can be > >> >stolen from any high school chemistry lab." I guess they haven't been in most high schools yet. Ours had a bottle of salt and a box of lint. > >> >The National Drug Center has had reports flooding in from all > >> >around the > >> >country. Be assured, this is NO JOKE. Rule of thumb: Anything which says "THIS IS NO JOKE" in four places is a LIE. > >> >Real people are getting sick Oh no! Not Skip Stephenson! Sarah Purcell! Peter Billingsley! Fred Willard! -- K. This reminds me, I gotta deposit some checks tomorrow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:13:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Go to www.kibo.com and look under "Download Big Files", and I should point > > out that 1997 Volume 1 (ark1997a.pdf) is a big file. It's about fourteen > > megabytes. As always, Adobe Acrobat Reader version 3 (or later) is > > required to read it. > > After downloading this monster, finding that it didn't read very well with > version 2.1 of Acrobat, downloading a version 3.0 of Acrobat, paging > through ALL of the Desi Arnaz I could ever want, frog pornography, and > mannequinner torture, I noted that the following pages had some photo > problems: pgs 5, 79, 155, 163, 209, and 270. Now all the pictures in the > index over on the side were fine, but the big pictures on these pages had > a varying degree of problems. Did I not get a clean download or did > anyone else notice anything funny? Besides the posts that is. Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, just because it says your six favorite photos are corrupt but not the pornography section. My original assertion that this is all due to Dean's clumsy oafishness still stands, although I have managed to replicate the exact problem (it saying something about an unexpected end of picture on page 5 and Martin Landau coming out bright blue) on two computers. I am currently developing a theory as to how Dean's oafish clumsiness is breaking all our computers. Also, I'm re-uploading the file now just in case for some reason six cosmic rays changed one bit in each of the six pictures without altering the file's overall checksum to make Acrobat complain that it's corrupt while somehow also magically changing the corresponding bits in my FTP server to make my computer think the file has uploaded correctly. (Do not attempt to download the book until about 7 A.M. Eastern time because I am about to swap the old and new copies.) Anyway, my apologies to Dean about him being a clumsy oaf. Dean, I am sorry that you are a clumsy oaf. Also, your fingerprints are non-kosher 'cause you're so ham-fisted. Now stop screwing up my computer! How am I supposed to write a story about a stupid dead dog named Snuggles when you keep screwing up my computer, Scoob ol' buddy ol' pal? -- K. I'll bet you a dollar the re-uploaded clean copy has the same problems on page 5 even though it STILL uploads and downloads fine on MY computer. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:31:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor All right, I've re-uploaded the 343-page 1997 "A" alt.religion.kibology volume, and after uploading all 13.7 megabytes (which may be more or less depending on whether you computer thinks a megabyte is 1000x1000 or 1000x1024 or 1024x1024) and then downloading them all again it worked absolutely fine for me, page 5 shows Martin Landau with a healthy pink halftone and not fluorescent blue skin of death. So please let me know if your Martin Landau is still a funny color on page 5. Please burn all existing copies and download the new version and if Martin Landau is still blue, well, that'll be HIS problem from now on. To download the book with your Web browser, go to: http://www.kibo.com/kiboarch/ (PLEASE read the instructions at the top of the page! Save the file to disk rather that trying to look at it within the Web browser, because most Web browsers have trouble viewing 13.7-megabyte documents directly from the Web.) Or, to download via FTP (if you don't trust your Web browser with PDFs): ftp://ftp.std.com/pub/alt.religion.kibology/ark1997a.pdf (PLEASE set your FTP to binary mode!) (And in both cases, you MUST MUST MUST use Acrobat Reader version 3, version 2 will NEVER EVER NEVER NAIVER NURVER NOOVER work!) -- K. For extra credit, find (a) the secret Masonic power word and (b) the word that blows up the whole Universe hidden in the book. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 12:13:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor This is technically very weird. After successfully re-uploading the book, I did a hexadecimal dump ('od -x') of both copies and compared them ('diff'). (Interestingly, each of the two 'od -x' commands took far longer than 'diff' on this big computer. The two hex dumps were 86 megabytes total.) The comparison shows that three changes happened, in a very peculiar pattern: kibo@world /usr/tmp/k 7 Semprini> diff new old | more 35950,35951c35950,35951 < 2143420 25c8 addf 4c62 09b3 6be7 0b19 7453 7b7e < 2143440 9ed6 7d76 82f5 8a27 1783 f3fb 6e3c 105c --- > 2143420 25c8 addf 4c62 09b3 6be7 0b19 7453 0000 > 2143440 0001 7d76 82f5 8a27 1783 f3fb 6e3c 105c 42162,42163c42162,42163 < 2445520 0064 90a0 8149 c185 b744 b363 6eeb 48ce < 2445540 77fe 5226 d5be 3528 85f0 1778 90bc 7350 --- > 2445520 0064 90a0 8149 c185 b744 b363 6eeb 0000 > 2445540 0001 5226 d5be 3528 85f0 1778 90bc 7350 131694,131695c131694,131695 < 0023420 5a8e 52fa a6d5 91ef f14a 11d1 9a4b fa99 < 0023440 b0b9 4eb5 98fe 7551 2830 bfb6 6d75 ad50 --- > 0023420 5a8e 52fa a6d5 91ef f14a 11d1 9a4b 0000 > 0023440 0001 4eb5 98fe 7551 2830 bfb6 6d75 ad50 I.e. in three cases a longword got set to '0000 0001' at an address of xxxxxx3E. I did the two uploads exactly the same way both times. I suspect the bug's some weird flaky Open Transport thing at my end because if it was in the FTP server here people would have noticed long ago. Anyway, those of you who have copies of the corrupt book with the blue Martin Landau can apply the three patches shown above to fix it. -- K. I can see people in 2098: "For sale, INCREDIBLY RARE alt.religion.kibology book with BLUE MARTIN LANDAU, asking $5 or BEST OFFER!!!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dr. Scott, UHF 68, Los Angeles, Saturday 11pm Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 08:27:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > So I'm flipping -- no, actually it'd be dialing, through the stations on > my junky old Toshiba blackstripe (not the same as fruit stripe) TV. So if a zebra is the mascot for Fruit Stripe gum, does this mean a rainbow tetra is the mascot for Black Stripe TVs? Why would you want to advertise a TV as having a black stripe across the screen, anyway? Is it a diagonal stripe? That would be kind of fun. You could watch someone you don't like and shout "I'm *NOT* watching you! You're *NOT* on my TV set! You are *NOT* smoking!" > And I come across this old guy on UHF 68. John Silber! > He's setting back, smoking a cigar, > and talking... very... deliberately... > ... about the pyramids... and their secrets... and the > book of enoch... and the Christians... and Jesus. > > So this goes on for maybe 20mins or so, and I'm actually listening because > the pace at which he speaks is sort relaxing. I could easily fall asleep > to the lucidly insane mumblings of this dysfunctional grandfather like > fellow. But then he pauses, his eyes scan around a bit. He grabs another > cigar, puts it in his mouth, and continues to speak on about the pyramids > or something. > > He's trying to light the cigar with one of the plastic disposable > lighters, but the lighter appears to be out of fluid. All the while he's > continuing on about the pyramids -- speaking deliberately and slowly, but > his gaze is focused entirely upon the task of getting the cigar lit. He > sets down the plastic lighter, and then grabs something else from out of > view on his right side. He pulls it up to the cigar, and it is now > obvious that this is also a lighter. He moves around a bit and then it > becomes obvious that it's not just any old lighter, but one of those > hand-grenade replica lighters. I missed it, I was watching Cartoon Network. For the commercials. Anyway, I am guessing it was John Silber. For the uninitiated: WABU-68 is Boston's only remaining Really Independent TV station, now that all the others are affiliated with high-profile networks like UPN or The WB or Pax. Channel 68 was formerly owned by the Christian Scientists and now it's owned by Boston University, which is a big step up -- college students are better at running TV stations than rich churches founded on the premise that if you close your eyes and wish really hard your amputated leg will reappear with Jesus's autograph on it. > At which point I fell over laughing onto the floor, all by myself, alone > in my new home. But now that you've told us you're no longer rolling around on your floor alone by yourself like the pathetic alone-floor-roller you are. Now we're also mentally touching your floor with random parts of our bodies! You have brought us all together and I would hug you if I weren't the only one here who was above this sort of exercise. Does it bother anyone else that while the Cartoon Network has "The Tex Avery Show", consisting entirely of classic cartoons by Tex Avery, a local re-run channel has "The Wacky World Of Tex Avery", a very badly-animated *new* cartoon featuring characters he never drew performing poorly-drawn under- animated unfunny non-actions? One of the characters is named "Tex Avery", so apparently that's the connection, at least in their minds... THEIR WACKY MIND OF NOT TEX AVERY. Tex Avery is a saint for proving that exploding eyeballs are funny. -- K. Did the grenade guy also have another plastic grenade on his desk with a "1" on the pin and "TAKE A NUMBER" on the base? And then did he offer to show you photos of his Pride & Joy? By the way, I know you said you were talking about L.A. channel 68, not Boston channel 68, but you're posting from world.std.com in Boston so I know you're lying. Plus at 11pm tonight WABU-68 here was showing "Mounties: Missing alcohol causes a dispute", which sounds especially funny if we pretend Dr. Gene Scott and his holy hand grenade were in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:44:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Keep in mind my parents are out. > > I went into the extra fridge we have in the garage, to get a Hot > Pocket for a quick lunch. > > I opened the fridge to get a Mountain Dew from same, Mmm, Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew. I don't think you needed to specify mention your parents aren't home. > but the light didn't go on. And the cans didn't seem all that cold. But you had no idea why because the little light above your head didn't go on. CHRISTMAS WAS RUINED! I'm sorry, I keep confusing you with Spot. I think it's because you used the words "Mountain Dew" in a sentence. Please forgive me. > I opened the freezer and everything was close to room temperature. In an absolute sense when taking the entire Universe into account! Yaaaaah! > Panic. There's a lot of food in there. OH NO THERE'S FOOD IN THE FREEZER! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! > I took out the tamales my mom spent eons making, But eons ago the Universe was thousands of degrees warmer, so the tamales should already be acclimated to it, especially if they've evolved a rudimentary intelligence by now. > and the TV dinners, and put them in the working freezer. So, you had two freezers, and everything fits in one, but you put half of it in the broken freezer in the garage just to have stuff to talk about on the Internet? > I don't know whether they're any good anymore. I didn't see > anything green growing on them. OH NO!!! THERE IS GREEN ORGANIC MATTER IN MY MIXED VEGETABLES!!! > There was also a tupperware thing full of this meat and this sauce > and stuff. There were also many many Hot Pockets wrapped in plastic; > we got a 12-pack of Ham and Cheese. I left them. I'll take the six ham ones off your hands, but I won't touch the six cheese. > My brother was in the living room playing football on his Super NES. Ah, Super NES, the first stage of WebTV infection. > I told him that the freezer was off, hoping he would know what to do, > how to get it back on, and which food items could be saved. He has > a life, he knows what girls feel like, Does he own a VIC-20, by any chance? > he has to know this. > > He, in turn, probably thought, "he has no life, he knows how to > program computers, he has to have everything under control." > > He told me to call my parents. I didn't know where the phone numbers > were so I panicked. You know, this morning I saw the "Happy Days" episode where Joanie and Chachi are at home alone with Ritchie Junior (this was a very late episode) while Howard and Marion and Fonzie and Lori Beth were on vacation and Roger was conveniently missing from the whole episode and Ralph and Ritchie were in the offscreen army, and the boiler in the basement broke and Joanie had to call a repairman and he charged her $200 and when Howard and Marion came home they YELLED AT HER FOR SPENDING MONEY JUST TO FIX THE HOUSE, and also for USING THE BLANK CHECK THAT THEY LEFT HER FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY. I suggest you find your parents' blank check and write yourself a ticket to Rio. It's nice this time of year. > Then, he pointed out to me that they were > driving from Ohio to New York all day. Which, of course, made me > feel better that I didn't have to find a phone number. But now I > was completely on my own here. > > See, both of us were clueless and I was the only one who was even > slightly concerned that a decision had to be made about WHAT TO DO > WITH THE FOOD, and the wrong decision could result in FOOD POISONING. > And throwing away the tamales would mean throwing away at least a > FULL DAY of my mother's time. It's the ultimate weapon! I have invented a guy that makes people make tamales and then makes them go bad to DESTROY TWENTY-FOUR HOURS! Yay! I just wrote an episode of Doctor Who! > My brother turned the breakers and stuff so it works again. And > most of the stuff _I'M_ going to eat will be in the microwave for > slightly longer than usual before I eat it. > > I just hope the food poisoning kicks in BEFORE New Year's Eve. What? You don't want it to kick in right when you're about to go back to work the next day? -- K. I do! I'm mean. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 01:11:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > Keep in mind my parents are out. > > So you "borrowed" your dad's antique sportscar without > permission to go pick up a red-headed hooker, while 2 wacky > burglars try to break into your home. Wait... the burglars in that movie were supposed to be wacky? I thought it was a horror movie. I kept having nighmares about this overpaid spoiled little brat hitting people in the head with anvils and spraying them with a garden hose filled with sulfuric acid and jamming them into his furnace boiler and stuff. It was like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon with all the brainy stuff taken out! > [re: broken freezer] > > > Simple rule: Were the icecubes all melted? > > If not, don't worry about the food, you caught it in time. > > If so, consider the food to have been thawed. > Oho, so you're trying to use Reversed Tags to make the rest of us look bozotic. Well, I'll just have to counter everything you say from now on by putting around it, to make you big baby rebozo. Note that this does not entitle you to be the bad guy on "Super Force" -- that was G. Gordon Liddy. I think Bebe Rebozo now works as a K-Mart greeter, the world's least-skilled job. Except for writing Wile E. Coyote cartoons. I mean, they kept cheating once they ran out of ideas halfway through the first cartoon. (SHOT OF ROCK FALLING DIRECTLY TOWARDS ROAD RUNNER) (SHOT OF WILE E. COYOTE A MILE AWAY WATCHING ROCK FALLING TOWARDS ROAD RUNNER) (SHOT OF ROAD RUNNER LOOKING DIRECTLY UPWARDS AT ROCK DIRECTLY ABOVE ROAD RUNNER AS CIRCULAR SHADOW GROWS AROUND ROAD RUNNER) (SHOT OF ROCK LANDING ON WILE E. COYOTE) (REPEAT SIX TIMES) THE END. -- K. Also, for some reason, I always think the Road Runner is a girl. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 02:17:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > > > Simple rule: Were the icecubes all melted? > > > > If not, don't worry about the food, you caught it in time. > > I suspect if there were ice cubes in there, they would have melted. Oh no! Nick's subjunctive ice cubes were ruined! So was the seven-layer rainbow meat loaf he COULD have spent a week preparing! The week that didn't happen was RUINED even though it didn't happen! This reminds me, in 1991 I posted that I had my tongue stuck to the inside of my freezer and I asked for help, and none of you people were around then to help me (except for Henry Churchyard, and he was no help either) so please pretend that my tongue has now been stuck to the freezer for eight years. This was the freezer which was next to the stove that had mice living in it, by the way. A couple weeks ago (about five apartments later) they installed a new REALLY HUGE fridge here because they got tired of complaints along the lines of "This fridge sucks, it's older than I am, and I'm in my thirties" but just to annoy me the new one is a left-hand-drive model and now every time I go into the kitchen while I'm still asleep I try to open the smooth, featureless, unimpeachable side of the door and the fridge silently mocks me with its enantiomorphosity. -- K. One neat thing about a.r.k around Christmas 1998: Most of the "regulars" are posting more than usual (except for Lee Bumgarner) and the other people are taking a week off, so with just ten of us here each posting ten articles a day it feels like 1991. Except for the cascades and .sig virii, yay! I am having a flashback to when a.r.k was much smaller and more concentratedly bozotic, like the WB network. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:58:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > And your clubs are all icky because you don't allow gurlz. I was > > pleased and excited to be called a "regular" by Kibo, though, which is > > better than being called a "decaf" or a "worker bee-slash-drone". > > And since you're regular, you don't have to take the special > kibological laxatives, unless you really want to! Yay! > > [...] > > BUT I'M TAKING MY POTS WITH ME! SO I CAN BANG THEM TOGETHER WHILE I WAIT! Kibology is like a beautiful girl sitting on a toilet banging pots and pan together. Not that I am assuming the two of you must be beautiful. But I *know* you're sitting on the toilet as you read alt.religion.kibology. Then later you go back to vacuuming the rug in high heels and pearls. -- K. Then the six Brady kids plus Cousin Oliver run into the room and they all shout "NO MORE BACON!". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:54:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) writes: > > > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) says: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > ... so with just ten of us here each posting ten articles > > > > a day it feels like 1991. > > > > > > NOT ANY MORE!!!!!!!!! > > > > > > -Matt McIrvin, proud Club 91 non-member > > > YOU CAN NO LONGER CENSOR MY VIEWS BY REVELING IN NOT READING THEM! Hey! You're not allowed to read the Club 91 membership roster to determine that you're not in Club 91! Go back to the other meeting room where Dungeons & Dragons & Math Club 92 is meeting! I hear that in the Dungeons & Dragons & Math Club 92, everyone gets to be Vice President. > > No, but we -can- not Invite you to the new Club we just found on the floor, > > I mean formed. Dave, don't let anyone know I told you this, but last night I actually set up a new secret club, with its own logo and its own Web site and stuff, and secret weekly activities that automatically change every week, but I can't let anyone join it yet because this club requires use of a secret new Web server which isn't available to the public, so you can only join the secret new club if you guess the URL, the port number, the password, and the point. That reminds me, I need to go back and add that thingie to the Web page that checks to see if your name begins with "Mc" and ends with "Irvin" and, if so, redirect you to the Dungeons & Dragons & Math Club 92 meeting in the Boston Public Library where Don Saklad forces all three members to follow Robert's Rules Of Order as well as Don's Rules Of Orbitz. > And your clubs are all icky because you don't allow gurlz. I was > pleased and excited to be called a "regular" by Kibo, though, which is > better than being called a "decaf" or a "worker bee-slash-drone". "STACIA WORKS IN CYBERSPACE B BACKSLASH DOT COM ALL DAY LONG..." GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! STACIA JUST HURT ME WITHOUT MEANING TO!!! > > Dave "Matt's cuter than Kibo because of the Red Beard. But he's taken, > > AvocadoLass. Or was when last we heard from him, anyway." DeLaney > > Who's taken? Because it would make a lot of difference to me. I call dibs on everyone who's not taken! I am calling the special secret version of Code Adam for grownups and so I can claim all the good-looking people before leaving this virtual WalMart! > I think I'm starting to see why people are trying to fix me and Nick and > beable and sometimes Alex S00ter up... because I'm acting pretty damn > desperate. But, as I said over dinner tonight, "I've never met a hornier > bunch of persons than the ones on ark." Fortunately, dinner was just with > me, the cats, and the Men of the Weather Channel fanfic. Fan-fiction about the Weather Channel? Wow. That's more pathetic than those "Space: 1999" fan-fics that explain what happened to Barry Morse between the two seasons, unless it fails to mention the phrase "killer soap suds". Which somehow I doubt. -- K. Then at the end they realize the soap suds were just trying to tell the Moon that it needed a bath! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: GM to offer escape handle for children trapped in car trunk Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:46:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ackthp@my-dejanews.com, whose Real Name is unlisted, wrote: > > Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > > > GM To Offer Escape Handle For Children Trapped In Car Trunk Waah! I bought a new GM car and they forgot to include any children! > In related news, Brinks has begun selling tissue-paper straitjackets. I believe you just wrote the entire script of "The Masked Magician's Greatest Secrets Revealed 5". I am still mad at the Masked Magician (who normally calls himself Valentino during his lame show in Vegas) for giving the WRONG strait-jacket explanation in the first episode. As the narrator (Mitch Pileggi) explained he was dislocating his shoulder to laboriously work his arm around behind his neck to undo the buckle, etc., all those of us who know how to do the real trick and the difference between a real jacket and a bad magician's gimmicked jacket were laughing -- you could tell he had one of the stretchy flyweight ones with the special grips inside the sleeves he could let go of to make the sleeves go slack because, and this is an incredibly obvious sign that it's a "magic jacket" and not a real one, there was a big gap between the top buckle (in back) and the next one. This is because it's too hard for the sissy Masked Magician to reach the small of his back EVEN THOUGH AFTER HE LETS GO OF THE HAND GRIPS THE TISSUE-PAPER-LIKE STRAIGHT JACKET BASICALLY FALLS OFF ANYWAY! MARTIN LANDAU CAN DO IT A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN THE MASKED MAGICIAN!!! Is this the third or fourth time I've beaten this point into the ground? WELL, GOOD!!! -- K. I hear that in the next special he's going to explain the "Pride & Joy" trick. If I am a broken record, why won't they list me in Guinness? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Help for Kibo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 00:52:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > > > ------=_NextPart_000_0011_01BE2FFF.4BB87BA0 > > > Content-Type: text/plain; > > > charset="iso-8859-1" > > > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > HEY EVERYONE LEAH VERRE GOT A WEBTV FOR CHRISTMAS!!! > > Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > [...] > > Stop picking on me, you bigasstpotsie. What is a tpotsie? Is that a secret reference to the Teapot Sea on the border of the Plain Of Jars where they filmed "The Prisoner"? > I mean, call me OLD FASHIONED and all, but uh, I believe this is fucking > CHRISTMAS, and you're supposed to be, if memory serves, FRIKKIN NICE TO YOUR > FELLOW MAN AND/OR WO-MAN. I'm sorry, Leah. i still wuv you. I STILL WUV YOU IN ALL CAPS! I STILL *W*U*V* YOU IN ALL CAPS WITH UNNECESSARY ASTERISKS! I STILL DOUBLE YOU YOU VEE (BUT NOT DOUBLE DOUBLE YOU VEE) YOU IN THE INTERNATIONAL PHONETIC ALPHABET INVENTED BY THAT ZAMENHOF GUY WHO MADE UP ESPERANTO ALL BY HIMSELF! > Outlook EXPRESS RULEZ BABEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! > If you keep making fun of my KICKASS newsreader I'm going to put my next > post into big kickass 45D Fuschia with lots of these things --->*%%%%<-- and > make them blink at the exact frequency of a siezuriffic pokemon and FRY > Y'ALL'S BRANES. But then when you post Hi everybody! This sentence is in a really pretty girly typeface that isn't a plain old typewriter font and it's in a very special color which is completely unlike boring black!Also to be nice I didn't use any tags anywhere in this message! then only you will be able to see it and the rest of us will just see Hi everybody! This sentence is in a really pretty girly typeface that isn't a plain old typewriter font and it's in a very special color which is completely unlike boring black!Also to be nice I didn't use any tags anywhere in this message! > Then you'll respect me. > > You watch. > > Leah %%**&&&= > Verre &&&####= You misspelled "Leah %25%25%2A%2A&&&=3D
Verre &&&%23%23%23%23=3D". I impugn your puny gobbledygook-generation abilities! -- K. Aaaare youuuu freeeeaking out yet? Doooo youuuuu feeeeeeeeell boxed innnn annnnnd spaaaaaced out? P.S. I had to write this twice because the first time, Leah's message crashed my computer, and then while writing it again I felt like I was going to throw up because I just ate nine bowls of dry Cheerios and I don't have anything to drink but I didn't want to have to do this a third time so I wrote this instead of throwing up so I hope you're happy that you kept me occupied when God had intended me to be barfing. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.cereal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Help for Kibo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998 03:15:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Back when I was BBSing, I was on a system that allowed one to "flag" > lines in their messages so that everyone except one specified user > would see them. One SPECIFIED user? That's no fun! I want to be able to say something that everyone except one UNSPECIFIED person can read! And that person would see the alternate version of the text, which would say: "HA HA YOU'RE AN UNSPECIFIED PERSON! YOUR NAME IS LEGALLY CHANGED TO JOHN DOE! EVEN IF YOU USED TO BE A GIRL, YOU PERSON OF NO NAME AND NO GENDER AND NO HAIR!" But that's just because I'm in a mean mood because it's Christmas and my typeface is five sizes two small! > > I felt like I was going to throw up because I just ate nine bowls of dry > > Cheerios and I don't have anything to drink > > Hey, how about coating the cereal with dehydrated milk so you'd only > have to spit in your bowl a lot? Oh wait, it's been done. Then whby hasn't Kellogg's thought of marketing little cardboard boxes containing an envelope with half a bowl of cereal plus a little bag of ultra-pasteurized spit for two dollars because Mommy really loves you but she doesn't have time to supervise you as you pour your own damn milk from the community milk carton so you have to eat the special pre-packaged kids-box-of-cereal-and-milk-already-mixed-together-including- a-special-plastic-spoon-that-Mommy-won't-wash for only two lousy bucks? I mean, first there was the peanut butter with the grape jelly stripes in it. And then there was single-serving microwavable popcorn with the artificial yellow salt already on it. Now there are little bricks containing a quarter-ounce of Stupid Flakes and a Baggie of no-refrigeration- needed fossilized milk to allow you to show your love for your kids through neglect. Someone on a.r.k said last year, "Wow! Mom made microwave popcorn! She loves us!" (Sorry, I can't find the reference, I must have imagined your article.) This trend of TV commercials and supermarket "convenience" foods that all carry the message "It's okay to neglect your kids as long as you give them really crappy food!" -- all directed at women -- are just slightly starting to bother me. Like, there's one where the mom is home alone with her little kid, and everyone knows that women are only motivated to actually cook when there's a hunky man around. So she's about to make the kid a FROZEN PIZZA when the kid holds up a drawing from school and says "Look, Mommy, I drawded you a pitcher!" and Mom oohs over it and to reward the kid she puts away the frozen pizza and instead the kid gets A BOWL OF CAMPBELL'S SOLID PINK "TOMATO" SOUP for lunch. This is love in the same sense that this is nutrition. Lumpless flesh-colored soup. Remember how Campbell's tried to use the slogan "Soup Is Good Food" for a few months until enough dieticians complained that that was an outright lie in the case of Campbell's watery slime? Remember how they got busted for always showing pictures of soup with the few measly pathetic little veggie bits standing on the surface of the soup because the bowls were always filled with GLASS MARBLES to hold up the little fragments of orange-gray carrots and caved-in peas? In this Bizarro Universe where moms express love through neglect and malnutritious microwaved meals, when children are bad, they must be punished by being given A FULL MEAL!!! WITH DESSERT!!! This is all Andy Warhol's fault for choosing to put the world's lamest soup, Campbell's "tomato", on that canvas instead of something with ingredients in it and which does not increase in nutrition a hundredfold when you crumble a cracker into it. POP CULTURE, I HATE YOU!!! -- K. And I repeat: "Herb", the ill-thought-out Burger King anti-mascot in the mid-eighties, looked exactly like Andy Warhol without the Einstein fright wig. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.archaeology,sci.engr,soc.history,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Hot water; the invention of Re: historical progression of every important invention; archeology's biggest research project Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 10:26:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.archaeology, sci.engr, and soc.history, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > In this chart of important inventions would be hot water. The > repeatable technology to produce hot water. It does not have to be > a-lot of hot water but only a flask full. I think hot water was > discovered early on in human history. And I'm sure that if you keep up with your research in your "laboratory" you might someday re-discover the recipe. > [...] Pour it over someone who likes hot water on them and soon you > have a pre-history industry of making hot water. It would suck to be Someone Who Loves Having Hot Water Poured Over Them before it was invented, wouldn't it? > An aside story in my own life related to the above. No... I don't believe it... I'm reading along in the middle of this article by Archimedes Plutonium, about cavemen making warm water, and what were the chances that Archie could turn the topic to himself? I am amazed by this stunning display of a non-sequitur disguises as a segue. And it allows us to further refine our model of Archie's typical missive: "Fire hot! Fire burns! blah blah blah blah I like mittens!" What makes Archie a super-genius is the "blah blah blah" part. > In my youth, my > father bought these beautiful blue Royal Copenhagen mugs. They were so > pretty you were scared to drink out of them for fear of breaking or > chipping them. No, I was scared to drink out of your mugs for fear of catching a communicable form of stupidity. > Later I got plastic pitchers and used those as mugs for > drinking or eating cereal. So let's see. Archie told rec.bicycles.tech that he likes to eat spaghetti out of paper cups, and now he's told sci.archaeology that he likes to eat cereal out of plastic pitchers. Let's start a betting pool. I'll put five dollars on him next telling the chess newsgroup that he likes to eat powdered sugar off of bicycle seats. > And then later in life I had a wood burning stove. You see, this article skips seamlessly from one completely irrelevant topic to another in the most nonchalant way possible! Only an absolute genius would be able to do that. I like Pez! > And the problem with that was neither porceloin or plastic were > appropriate but instead, metal cups were the ideal container. > > I am sure that the invention of hot-water did not have to wait until > the invention of metal water containers, but once metal water > containers were available the hot-water industry was boosted. I am so sick and tired of the hot-water industry's monopoly on piping hot water into our homes!!! We should be allowed to make it ourselves!!! -- K. Also supermarkets should sell frozen hot water for convenience!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Indisputable Proof That Jaffo Is Old Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 09:48:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > > > Let's also not allow anyone with the name "Asafoetida". > > For those of you (like me) that have been hearing of the amazing and > powerful asafetida (or asafoetida if you prefer) In India it usually seems to be spelled 'asafoetida', which would be a British-like way of spelling it, but I'm an American Dammit, so I have to spell it 'asafetida'. I say 'ass-uh-FEH-ti-da' and the two Indian-Americans I've asked lately have said 'ass-uh-FOE-ti-da' and 'ass-uh-feh-TEE-da'. I propose we come up with several alternative mispronunciations for it. Also, I need to ask one of my bosses -- the guy who signs paychecks with an "X" -- how to spell it in Tamil. > but didn't ever bother to look it up assuming it was just another word > Kibo made up, I have included the following for you edification. I have never made up a single bloozy word, unless you were just speaking lenortically. > as?a?fet?i?da also as?a?foet?i?da (as?e-fet1i-de) noun > > A brownish, bitter, foul-smelling resinous material obtained from the > roots of several plants of the genus Ferula in the parsley family and > formerly used in medicine. > > [Middle English, from Medieval Latin : asa, gum (from Persian aza, mastic) > + Latin fetida, feminine of fetidus, stinking. See fetid.] Note that it's a collision of an Iranian word and a Latin word. Two evil empires have teamed up to bring you this word for something secretly snuck into your papadum to prevent you from having sex. > People really do eat this shit^H^H^Htuff? Why? I mean look at the root > of this word people! FETID! Doesn't that tell you anything? Remember the thread about how graham crackers keep you from ever having sex after you eat one? Well, asafetida does that too. Brahmins aren't allowed to eat onions or garlic because everyone knows that onions and/or garlic make you sex-crazed. So they have to fill themselves up with asafetida, garlic's retarded little brother. It's actually not bad mixed with a lot of black pepper and used IN TINY QUANTITIES in papadum or curry or stuff. It is actually very bad when used IN SMALL BUT NOT TINY QUANTITIES as the "artificial durian flavor" in those artificial durian sugar wafers I once had that tasted about fifty times worse than that actual durian I had. It is usually sold as a 'compounded' powder, where it's mixed with something like 99.99999999% wheat flower and anti-caking agent so that you can add microscopic quanities of it from a shaker -- and the flour helps keep it visible so you won't accidentally overseason. One company sells it also mixed with tumeric (a.k.a natural yellow dye, fake mustard, and/or fake saffron) as "YELLOW POWDER". (For those who don't know, a pinch of tumeric can turn an entire bathtub fluorescent yellow, much like FD&C Yellow #2.) It is also available in chunk form, where the chunks look like well-polished turds (imagine doggie doo that's been through a rock tumbler -- I assume everyone on alt.religion.kibology has a rock tumbler), dark brown and smooth and glossy yet asymmetrical and with an occasional jagged cavity. These chunks are rock-hard, must be smashed with a hammer, and make your mouth taste like rancid garlic for an hour if you lick one of these evil faux rocks. Asafetida is used for practical jokes in India in much the same way that limburger cheese is. Asafetida in even the smallest quantities can make an entire building (let's say NASA's Vehicle Assembly Building) smell like an open sewer filled with a mixture of doo-doo, rotting flesh, burning garlic, limburger cheese, and asafetida. Yes, asafetida is so stinky that it actually smells worse than itself plus several other things. -- K. Indian recipe: 1 chunk asafetida 10 pounds fresh cilantro 10 pounds hot pepper 10 pounds homemade goat cheese 1 pound caraway seeds with silver foil glued to them any part of a drumstick tree that the Devil has touched Mix well. Makes ice cream. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Indisputable Proof That Jaffo Is Old Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 09:11:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [asafetida] is also available in chunk form, where the chunks look > > like well-polished turds (imagine doggie doo that's been through a rock > > tumbler -- I assume everyone on alt.religion.kibology has a rock tumbler), > > I have to say I've never had a rock tumbler. [I know what one is, but > didn't have time in my FunFilled Childhood for that particular hobby. > Our hobbyroom was covered to a depth of two feet by other various and > sundry games. Still vaguely yearn for a complete Super Spirograph set.] Here, let me complete your childhood fantasy. Step one: [] [] <> [] <> <> <> [] [] <> [] <> [] [] [] Step two: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Step three: () () . () . () . . () . () () . . () . () Step four: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ THE END. -- K. Then the spaceman eats breakfast then he eats lunch then he eats dinner then he goes through the rock tumbler then he goes through the microwave then he goes through the toilet then he eats breakfast then he eats lunch... P.S. I had the 3-D version of the Hyper Spirograph, where you could draw lemniscate deltoids within a block of clear gelatin supersaturated with thiosulfate solution and a nucleating agent YOU could move with any household 500,000,000 oersted magnet! I wrote that sentence just so I could say 'oersted' because that Gauss guy gets way too much credit. I mean, discovering magnetism AND the bump-shaped curve? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Indisputable Proof That Jaffo Is Old Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:38:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Jaffo (jaffo@jaffo.com) writes: > > > > [re Stacia removing some newsgroups from the "Newsgroups:" header > > of this thread] > > > > And yet you decided to LEAVE IN Christnet? The first nine times I looked at that I wackyparsed it as "You decided to LIVE IN Christmas?" IF STACIA GETS TO LIVE IN CHRISTMAS ALL YEAR I WANT TO LIVE IN APRIL FOOL'S DAY ALL THE TIME EXCEPT THE BEGINNING OF APRIL WHEN I WILL LIVE IN MAY DAY! MAY DAY 2000! THE HOLIDAY THAT YOU CAN SHOUT IN A CROWDED THEATER!!! > Keep net in Christnet! Keep istma in Christmas. Except when > not in use, shall keep Christ in polybag. Poor Christ! He was returned to His special container when not in use. He could turn water to wine (WINE DOES NOT ENABLE DRINKER TO GET DRUNK) but refills were sold separately. Jesus not for internal use. May stain fabric and cause skin and/or eye irritation. I wan to know why frogs don't have that tattooed on them: May stain fabric when picked up and squeezed. May cause skin and/or eye warts. Turn frog into prince only with use of a frog-sized dental dam. Always practice safe froggery! Also I think that when the Romans crucified Jesus, it would have been funnier if they had instead put him in Doug Henning's Zig-Zag Woman cabinet. Especially the part where they tickled His feet to prove that they didn't belong to His stunt double. -- K. I WAS JESUS'S STUNT DOUBLE AS TOLD TO WILLIAM SHATNER ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kellogg To Push Upscale Cereal Packaged in Bags Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 10:41:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.materials, Charles Kessler (submissions@net-market.com) adverti^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hposted a newsletter: > > ============================================================ > Packaging Network Newsletter by Bill Noone I used to love those "Family Circus" cartoons where Dad is looking at an advertisement in sci.materials and says "WHO WROTE THIS?" and all the kids say "NOONE!" and there's this round invisible guy giggling in the corner next to NOTME and IDA KNOW and a dozen dead grandparents. > Volume 2 Issue 10 > Tuesday, December 29, 1998 > ============================================================ > > [...] > > 2) Kellogg To Push Upscale Cereal Packaged in Bags > In an effort to revive a soft cereal market, Why would anyone want to buy soft cereal? I like Lucky Charms because the marshmallows are rock-hard, dammit! Would anyone buy Grape Nuts if they were chewable? And what about Weetabix? > Kellogg Co. has announced > plans for an upscale product extension packaged in bags. Mmm, a cereal extension. "Sawdust added for fiber!" > The new Country Inn Specialties line will not feature the Kellogg > name on its packaging nor be marketed as a Kellogg's product. I'm sure I will actually be fooled into thinking this is the same fake Cheerios that the average Vermont Bed'N'Breakfast makes from scratch. And I never knew materials science had so much to do with which cereals were considered upscale! > [...] > > 1) PalletWorld Palletizing Robot Now, I'd have to say that this is a MUCH prettier name than "Country Inn Specialties upscale product extension." > [...] > > 2) CP-922 Automated Random Carton Sealer Guarantees that a different subset of cartons will be sealed every time! > [...] > > 3) Icore Metal Detector/Checkweigher Combo Unit > > The Icore Metal Detector/Checkweigher Combo Unit from Ramsey provides > both checkweighing and metal detection with minimum space requirement > utilizing the new MetalScout IIe metal detector. Wow, that's the version that can do lowercase without needing the 80-column card to be added. I have an ancient General Electric propaganda booklet (donated by Mike Jittlov) titled "THE STORY OF X-RAY". To illustrate the usefulness of X-rays, they show an X-ray of a trayful of peanuts with some large, industrial-size nuts and bolts mixed in. The peanuts are spread out in a single layer. Now, I ask you, who CAN'T see quarter-inch bolts mixed in with peanuts when they're spread out? Maybe the X-raying helps you find the giant bolts in case they're hidden INSIDE a tiny peanut. The photo showing the nuts and bolts sticking out like sore thumbs among the transparent peanuts also has large white arrows drawn on it pointing to the foreign objects, because General Electric not only thinks you're too dumb to tell a bolt from a peanut by eye, but that you can't even do it WITH their X-ray machine. -- K. Next time I go to the hospital I'm gonna eat some peanuts and wingnuts right before drinking the barium milkshake. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kellogg To Push Upscale Cereal Packaged in Bags Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:18:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Yes, I'm following up to my own article. If Archie can do it, I can. I just wrote some silly comments on: > > ============================================================ > Packaging Network Newsletter by Bill Noone > Volume 2 Issue 10 > Tuesday, December 29, 1998 > ============================================================ And now I've written a review of their Web site for a daily newsletter to which I sometimes contribute, because I'm so bankrupt of ideas that I'm getting URLs from spam. Excerpt: --------------------------------------------------------------------------- URL: Packaging Network http://www.packagingnetwork.com Packaging Network is an on-line industry newsletter for people who want to read about machines that put things into boxes. It's a field I seldom think about, yet it touches on so many topics. For instance, the current issue has an article (what some would call "a press release") about Kellogg's attempt to produce "an upscale product extension" of cereals in bags with the Kellogg name removed. You can also see photos of equipment YOU can buy for your factory with fascinating names such as "Model Y1930 Poly Bag Uncuffer" and "PalletWorld Palletizing Robot". ("Kirk to Enterprise, I'm trapped on PalletWorld, and the robots are palletizing me!") And the best article title in the current issue: "Sensory Analysis Tracks Flavor-Package Interactions" I.e. some plastics taste like plastic! > For this particular project, panelist sensitivity and resistance to > "taste fatigue" were key considerations. I.e. only people who don't mind tasting icky things were asked to determine whether this tasted good. (kibo) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The ironic part about that is that because he posted his newsletter about cereal wrappers to the material-science newsgroup, I called it "spam", but now I'm posting a portion of *my* newsletter to the net and I'm calling it "very special". Isn't the above very special? -- K. "Sorry, Spot, you're not very special." "Waah! I'm JUST SPECIAL!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kook Reporting? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:20:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.usenet.kooks, Robert J. Colbert (rjcolbert@home.com) wrote: > > Okay, let's assume that a kook has a somewhat visible, public position in > life. But, they're a kook, and it's very evident. Say they also break some > real-world laws. Is it a bad thing if the kook is reported to their officers > at their public post? The kook also has a "day job," the public office isn't > his/her mainstay. In fact, the public thing is probably 100% non-profit and > non-income for them. They like it. A lot. > > [...] > > I'm pretty sure you guys have already publicly recognized the kook about > whom I am speaking, but I withhold the kook's identity purely because I can. This is about that LSD I sold to one of the Teletubbies, isn't it? > I do, however, appreciate any and all feedback given. I should warn you that the only reason I am responding to your post which does not concern me (unless you know about me selling LSD to Tinky-Winky) is that I harbor some small hope that you are the same Robert Colbert who starred in "The Time Tunnel". Hey, in episode #7, "Revenge of the Gods", when Sergeant Jiggs had to walk all the way from the far end of the Time Tunnel and the scientist said that the Tunnel "goes to infinity!" why did it not take him an infinite amount of time to walk from one end to the other? I think that would have made the show much more exciting and realistic. Also, I understand why James Darren's green sweater had to reappear at the end of every episode, due to physics and stuff, but why did it go "ZONK!" in some episodes and "SPROING!" in others? -- K. So please don't fax anyone about me selling LSD to the Teletubbies because no kook could know so much about The Time Tunnel! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kook Reporting? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:55:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In alt.usenet.kooks, Robert J. Colbert (rjcolbert@home.com) wrote: > > > > > > I do, however, appreciate any and all feedback given. > > > > [...] I harbor some small hope that you are the same Robert Colbert > > who starred in "The Time Tunnel". > > So there are three Robert Colberts: > > 1. The one from "The Time Tunel" > 2. The one who programs Atari 2600 games > 3. This guy. > > That's a lot. I know less Bill Smiths than this. You left out all the Identical Ancestors the one on The Time Tunnel probably had, like how Whit Bissell as General Kirk had a French ancestor named Jay-nay-ral Querque who looked just like him and was even the same age as him at all times, and how Carroll O'Connor was also a general who had an identical ancestor who was also a general in the Revolutionary war. I'm sure Robert Colbert must have had hundreds of identical ancestors throughout time which we never got to see because the show got cancelled so quickly. In fact, because he probably slept with all those beautiful women of the past, some of his identical ancestors were probably his children. We're just lucky he didn't mate with any of the silver people from the future (all people more advanced than us on Irwin Allen shows were covered in metal-flake paint) or there would be a Robert Colbert Jr. running around with half his face painted silver and then he'd be confused with Maxtor, the Mexican pro wrestler who chases people through the giant ant farm on "El Gran Juego de la Oca". You also left out the Robert Colbert who was paired up with Roenrie Colernie in early "Sesame Street" episodes before Jim Henson "came down", and the Robert Colbert who discovered that you could cross Colby cheese with Filbert nuts while working with his partner, Filby. -- K. WE CREATIVE PEOPLE MAKE UP PUNS THAT CLEVER AND COMPLEX ALL THE TIME! WE LIKE OURSELVES AND WE KNOW YOU KNOW IT! MUH! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kook Reporting? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 09:44:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Robert J. Colbert (rjcolbert@home.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I should warn you that the only reason I am responding to your post > > which does not concern me (unless you know about