Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: 1999. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 09:33:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'd just like to say that it's only been 1999 for four and a half hours but I have already concluded: 1999 FEELS ALL WRONG. -- K. It's like we've just entered a stretch of time that smells funny. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 1999. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 05:32:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > I'm not even going to MENTION the "Week Zero" bug that'll probably screw > > up fewer people that Y2K, but it'll hit 5 months earlier. [It affects > > cheap Global Positioning System receivers which break on Aug. 23, 1999.] > > As many have pointed out elsewhere, a major misconception about the whole > thing (and a contributor to the apocalyptic hysteria) is the idea that it > is *all* going to hit at once on 1/1/2000. Of course, the credit card > industry has already had to deal with expiration dates. I just want to know what they're going to do when they run out of those swirly little deformed letters they use to indicate what kind of card it is. After all, sooner or later there are going to be more than 26 kinds of credit cards, or someone else will want to issue a card which starts with "M", and they'll have to start coming up with new swirly letter "M"s and "V"s which people can tell from the old swirly letters. > Some systems had Year 1999 trouble on Friday; probably the most spectacular > failure had to do with, I think, taxi meters in Singapore. I think that at the end of New Year's Day, 2000, we need to compile a list of everything that broke and sort it from most important to funniest. I think Singaporean taxi meters would rank somewhere in the middle, unless they're delivering door-to-door durians ordered over the Web (you can do this in Singapore -- visit a Web page and send some durians to "your" home by taxi. I know that if I lived there people would send me a lot of 'em. Unless the people who do that get beaten by death by the police, which they probably do.) Anyway, after everything which is gonna break has broken, let's put it all in a big pile and laugh at it. -- K. My computer is so old that it breaks after 12:59! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 1999. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 23:41:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@2cowherd.com) wrote: > > > > I've always thought it was very thoughtful for technology to provide > > us with an actual reason to worry about the world ending in the year > > 2000. A lot of people were going to think so anyway, and now they have > > a nice excuse. > > I got this one completely wrong, even though I had read articles about the > year 2000 software problem about twenty years ago. I guess that until > recently, it seemed too esoteric a concern to filter its way down to your > basic apocalyptic nutters. Little did I know that they already thought > UPC tags were a sign that the Antichrist was a computer in Brussels. > > I predict that they are *already* pointing to the dawn of the "euro" > currency as a sign of the impending end of the world, deeply related to > the "Y2K bug," and I am going out on a limb here by not actually going in > the other room and checking cable TV to see if it's true. Also Sam is > watching some old Doctor Who episode and she's probably get mad at me. If you were to turn on the TV, and turn off your WebTV, you would see that CNN Headline News ("give us thirty minutes, and we'll waste your time") last week started an endless series (they're up to part 9, I think) on Y2K-readiness (tonight's installment is on how to stockpile toilet paper in case toilet paper stops working in 2000) and... not only are they airing one of these every night on their no-news "headline-format" show... BUT THEY ARE ALWAYS AIRING IT AS THE FIRST SEGMENT OF THE SHOW, BEFORE THE PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT DEVOTING TEN SECONDS TO EACH MAJOR WORLD EVENT. Ted Turner is investing a LOT of money in trying to scare people about Y2K. > My guess was that most people were going to be worried about the world > ending as a result of other people worrying about the world ending, much > as Nick posted recently. I'm just worried that these people will be so crazy that it really is impossible to get toilet paper because all the idiots are hoarding it. Also, they'll burn down all the observatories so that it'll never be dark again after Jupiter turns into a second sun which always stays on the Earth's dark side, just like Martin Landau always knew where the Moon's dark side was even though the Moon was no longer near any sort of sun. -- K. Remember the Jetsons episode where the kid walks over to the dark side of the Moon to change the film in his FUTURISTIC Brownie camera? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Content Advisory: This Site Contains Content. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 08:51:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Just for the HELL of it (HELL HELL HELL) I'm filling out the RSAC form for generating a kid-safe-ness rating for my Web site (www.kibo.com). This is my favorite question so far: > Moving through the list below in order from top to bottom, please click > the first button of the content descriptor that applies to your content. > Does your content portray: > > (v4) wanton, gratuitous violence No, because Spot only dies when he deserves it. > (v4) extreme blood and gore No, because Spot is too small to contain excess gore. > (v4) rape No, because nobody mentioned on my site has any sexual functionality, especially in Club 91. > (v3) blood and gore This would be a problematic question for the Red Cross if Al Gore ever visits Liz Dole while she's collecting blood. > (v3) intentional aggressive violence Naah, I only punched out all those people by accident. > (v3) death to human beings Death TO human beings? I'M GONNA KILL TO YOU!!! I'M GONNA PUT A KILL IN AN ENVELOPE AND MAIL IT TO YOU AND THEN YOU'LL TO DIE!!! > (v2) the destruction of realistic objects with an implied social presence This is the most fascinating question. Do I ever blow up any inanimate objects that are among our country's movers and shakers? > (v1) injury to human beings OW! THIS QUESTIONNAIRE GAVE ME A HEADACHE!!! > (v1) the death of non-human beings resulting from natural acts or accidents Well, I was about to choose that one, but I don't think any of Spot's hundreds of deaths has been from a _natural_ act. > (v1) damage to or disappearance of realistic objects? So when your crazy old uncle pulls a nickel out of your ear and makes it disappear, he's being violent against you, or against the nickel? Against Thomas Jefferson? > (v0) sports violence Like when Wile E. Coyote gets hit on the head with a bowling ball dropped from a Clarke orbit. > (v0) none of the above I SWEAR MY SITE IS EMPTY. KIDS ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO SEE EMPTY SITES AND/OR SPORTS VIOLENCE WHICH IS THE SAME THING. Anyway, because I'm fundamentally honest, I think that "(v1) the death of non-human beings resulting from natural acts or accidents" is probably the most relevant. They don't have a category for Spot, "(vx) God hates Spot." Also, in the language category, I picked "mild expletives" which is the same score as "non-sexual anatomical references", "mild terms for bodily functions", and -- believe it or not -- "slang". "slang" is language badness "L1", while "none of the above" is "L0"). I said there was no sex, not even kissing, on my Web site, because my Web site is so well-adjusted that it thinks that KISSING IS ICKY! Also, I said there was no frontal nudity. (I didn't count the picture of Animal 57, as it was wearing a glass aquarium.) So now they've given me my very own Platform Independent Content Selector: Gee, I don't see why I couldn't just have put a note on my site which says in actual English, "Warning! Spot gets crushed a lot. Ask your parents!" "Now Danny, remember, while surfing, don't look at any sites that have S greater than or equal to 2 and/or have a total of N plus S plus V plus L greater than or equal to 4 after factoring in the no-fudge factor." I should also point out that the N (nudity), S (sex), V (violence), and L (language) scales go from 0 to 4, so I expect we will start seeing porn sites labelling themselves "(n 10 s 10 v 10 l 11)" to attract perverts. Hell, I just said the word "porn". Waah, my PICS-Label is ruined!!! -- K. And how come there's no B (bozosity) category? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Disney Dollars Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:48:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, here's the new economic model for alt.religion.kibology: 1.) At any refreshment stand within alt.religion.kibology you may freely convert regular boring money into Kibology Dollars at a one-to-one exchange rate. 2.) Alt.religion.kibology closes for the weekend the moment you change your money to Kibology Dollars. 3.) Then you have to fly back to some stupid city that doesn't take Kibology Dollars. Thus, we can make money even at the 1:1 exchange rate, because you have to factor stupidity into the left and my genius into the right. -- K. Do Disney Dollars work in the slot machines at Disneyland? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Disturbing Commercial #9658. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 11:05:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Do you ever get the feeling that all the Ad Men decided about five years ago that TV commercials would only stick in our brains unless they had deliberately unintentional-seeming disturbing catchphrases? ("It's like toilet paper for your cat!") Today's example: The gaggle of ads for the American Family Publishers' Sweepstakes junk mail. These are TV commercials for junk mail that wants you to send back your form so that they can add you to the "THERE'S A LIVE ONE AT THIS ADDRESS" roster. (You know, like that junk E-mail that says "Send the word 'remove' to pleasespammesomemore.com to inform us that you personally read this spam.") Now, for years and years American Family Publishers' has used Ed McMahon's face (and also Dick Clark's in past years, just like TV's "TV's Super Bloopers And New Practical Jokes") on the envelope to remind old people that this junk mail is better than all the other sweepstakes junk mail (Reader's Digest, etc.) because it has a smiling old person on it, the way they put a smiling dog on dog food and a smiling baby on baby food. Do the ads say "Look for the envelope that has ED'S FACE on it!"? No, they say "WATCH FOR ED'S HEAD!" Okay, fine. So Ed McMahon and Jayne Mansfield and Isadora Duncan are zipping down the highway in their silver Spyder and they crash into Kelsey Grammer driving NBC's "Viper", and Ed is decapitated by one of the flying panes of glass from a late-eighties "Movie Of The Week" logo, then Ed's head bounces in through the front window of a split-level ranch home and lands in some little old lady's lap and she says, "WOW! I WON!" At least, that's what it makes me THINK will happen. Strike THINK, insert WISH. Also note that the graphic on the envelopes has Ed's head in the center of a dartboard! Poor Ed. He used to have such a dignified career, sitting twenty feet to the side of Johnny Carson while amusing himself quietly and occasionally acknowledging Johnny's existence. Now he's gone from holding up cans of Smiling Dog between Johnny's segments to being the smiling dog. -- K. Remember how in the fifties there was a kids' show that had the opening title painted on the top of Ed's head? I am not making this up. He was a clown back then. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fashion From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dryer Lint: 1999! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 08:19:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A couple months ago, I wrote: > > WHAT YOUR DRYER LINT SAYS ABOUT *Y*O*U*!*!*!* > > Bluish lint: You like blue clothes. Blue is the power color in your fashion > palette. Blue is one of your five favorite colors! > > Pinkish lint: You like red clothes. Red is the boss of your fashion > palette. Red is one of your three favorite colors! > > Grayish lint: You wash your underwear separately from your colored clothes, > and not often enough either. Okay, I now have a true story which is even more ribaldly wacky than that. I was doing my laundry today. Wait, that's not the part where you're supposed to point and laugh! Waah! Anyway, to fully appreciate this story, you have to understand that I live in a conapt* building where the floors are painted alternating colors to remind you that every once in a while one of the three elevators will let you out a floor too early or late. I live on an odd-numbered floor. Odd floors have puce doors and trim and carpet, with beige-flecked walls. (Puce is the technical term for a color which is to pink as brown mustard is to yellow. It's like pink plus gray plus vomit. It's about the color of a dead mouse's tail, and NOBODY LIKES PUCE, not even fashion designers.) Even-numbered floors have avocado doors and trim and carpet with very light green walls, the special shade which makes you think you've suffered a stroke because the whole world is tinted slightly greenish, the shade of pale green they used whenever they needed to make anything look silver on black and white film. Now, the basement counts as an even-numbered floor because it's floor -1 which is adjacent to floor 1 (because there is no year zero) so it has to have the opposite polarity to floor 1, hence, green, the evil even color and not puce, the evil odd color it deserves. The building's large and luxurious laundromat is in the basement, which means that to get to it I have to walk through a corridor whose shiny walls reflect a radioactive green glow on everything and scare the daylights out of me. I need to wear more sunglasses. So, the laundry room's interior features a table for sorting your socks, and this table, for reasons unknown to me, is the odd-floor shade of puce. (Apparently you can get furniture in this color even though everyone hates this color with a passion. It's the color of a Strawberry Pop Tart and a bowl of oatmeal that have been throw up together.) I was loading my damp clothes into the dryer (duh) and as I tried to clean the lint screen, it wasn't there. It took me a little while to find it... ...it was covered with a thick layer of puce lint and was sitting on the puce table. I could sort of make out its edges. So, I ask you this: (a) What sort of person has PUCE LINT? (b) What sort of person says "Wow, my clothes made lint exactly the same color as that ugly-ass table, I'm going to leave the lint screen on the table and not in the dryer across the room so that people can marvel at how much work I put into manufacturing this lint which exactly matches the puce table!"? (c) WHY PUCE? (d) And is the word "puce" just a remnant of the days when the Anglo-Saxons didn't have separate letters for "c" and "k"? -- K. I even took a photo of the puce lint on the puce table to prove I'm not crazy because you know nobody would retouch a photo of dryer lint, and nobody would photograph lint unless they were me. * Phil Dick used the word "conapt" at least twice per page. Apparently he thought "condo" and "apartment" were too meaningful to be allowed to be adjacent so he shoved them into Lewis Carroll's folding valise and then stood in the Letter People's Squoosh Box. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dryer Lint: 1999! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 06:40:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > (Puce is the technical term for a color which is to pink as brown > > > mustard is to yellow. It's like pink plus gray plus vomit. > > > It's about the color of a dead mouse's tail, and NOBODY LIKES PUCE, > > > not even fashion designers.) > > > > Puce was invented to match the color of squashed lice, back in the days > > before RID. Excuse me, but before we continue this post, we must pause, because there's a Mentos commercial on my TV. MENTOS BREAK! MENTOS BREAK! MENTOS BREAK! MENTOS BREAK! MENTOS BREAK! Now back to the squished lice and dead mice and other things nice. > It's the exact color of cat vomit, even when the cat has not been eating > dead mouse's tails. Ohhhhh. You must have one of those cats that DOESN'T produce the clear yet lumpy mucus splatters that you can't see until it's FAR TOO LATE. > Which reminds me: Our one cat keeps trying to bury the other cat's > vomit, by attempting to *dig in the wooden floor*. She cannot > understand why this does not work. Wait... "our one cat" implies you have exactly one cat... but you have "the other cat"... does not compute... ERROR! ERROR! NORMAN, CO-ORDINATE!!! I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO RESPOND TO INDETERMINATE NUMBERS OF CATS! HARRY MUDD CANNOT OWN ONE POINT SEVEN CATS EVEN IF HE IS AVERAGE! LOGIC IS A LITTLE CAT PUKING IN A TREE! ERROR! ERROR! > AWWWWWW! CATS ARE EVEN STUPIDER THAN KIBO SAID! If that sentence had been one word shorter you'd be dead now. -- K. Also, do you have the "HUK! HUK! HUK!" kind of cat or the "RRRRRRRRRRETCH!" kind? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dryer Lint: 1999! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:38:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, do you have the "HUK! HUK! HUK!" kind of cat or the > > "RRRRRRRRRRETCH!" kind? > > Our cat has this magical thing he does where he vomits forth and then begins > to walk backward, leaving a nice straight line of ick in his path. I think it would be funnier if the cat walked backward in a zigzag. Shaped like the United States of America! And then the United States of America would have to be shaped like a zigzag and the whole country would walk down stairs, alone or in pairs, and make a barfety sound. Occasionally I think about getting a cat, then I think about the endless stream of barf that spews from every one of their orifices, so I thank you people for reminding me that CATS ARE NOT AS CLEAN AS THEY WANT YOU ME THINK! "THEY", of course, are The Government. Because Clinton has a cat. AND THE TV NEWS NEVER TELLS US WHEN SOCKS THROWS UP ON THE JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER! IT'S A CONSPIRACY TO MAKE US THINK THE PRESIDENT'S CAT IS BETTER THAN NORMAL CATS JUST BECAUSE SOCKS GOT ELECTED AND YOU DIDN'T!!! STOP THE MEDICATION I WANNA GET OFF!!!!!! -- K. I'm watching the episode of "Wait 'Til Your Father Gets Home" with Special Guest Star Phyllis Diller as HERSELF. Eww. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dumbest Thing Said In A Bad Old Movie Today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 02:58:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, the movie is Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase -- two warning signs of bad movies from the eighties -- in "Spies Like Us", the one where they go to Russia and run around in their underwear and then save the world from the guy who wishes he were Sterling Hayden in "Dr. Strangelove". In their underwear, Dan and Chevy (who plays the stupid one, in case you couldn't tell) have just built their own transmitter to destruct the nuclear missile that's about to destroy the world. Elsewhere, the evil not-Sterling-Hayden general (Steve Forrest, best known for his role as one of "Mommie Dearest"'s husbands) sees the missile turn into a big red explosion symbol on his tracking screen, and on the screen it says that the missile blew up at "0300Z", "Z" being "Zulu", the secret military time zone which is exactly the same as Greenwich Mean Time. So, anyway, the screen says "0300Z". With me so far? The guy sitting at the console turns around and says, "Sir, the missile destructed at THREE THOUSAND HOURS ZULU." (Emphasis mine, stupidity his.) THE MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX IS CONCEALING THE LAST SIX HOURS OF THE DAY FROM US!!! Note that movies have people who have the job title of "Script Supervisor", people whose purpose in life it is to sit there and say, "No, you can't say 'thirty hundred', it says 'three thousand' here in the script." This reminds me of the time on "Star Trek" when William Shatner said, "..by installing a booster, we can increase that capability on the order of ONE TO THE FOURTH POWER." (It's in the episode "Court Martial", when they demonstrate that the computer can amplify heartbeats so much that they make everyone's ears hurt from the 1^4 power.) Note that "Star Trek" ran all their scripts through Kellam-DeForest Research to have their professionals point out all scientific inaccuracies. (Someday Gharlane will have to explain to us just why their fact-checking and legal clearance company happened to have exactly the same name as DeForest Kelley only spelled even more oddly.) So anyway, if movies and TV can do such stupid things with numbers, I think there's still hope that Archimedes Plutonium can get his movies made. -- K. HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM TIMES ONE TO THE YEAR 2000 POWER! [ APPLAUSE 2000 ] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: If you've been asleep at the wheel, READ WHAT YOU MISSED! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 07:20:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor For those of you who were just on Christmas vacation and your crummy Internet service provider keeps alt.religion.kibology articles for less than a week before purging them to make room for new ones, I've just created a mini-archive on my Web site where I'm placing batches of recent articles (by me) so that you can catch up on what you missed. The articles are batched up every six days or so into huge text files. http://www.kibo.com/rawdata Those of you who have been reading everything I say need not look there, but for those of you who have been too careless to read alt.religion.kibology every single day, or who have flaky newsfeeds, or whose news servers have been overwhelmed by rogue cancel attacks, etc., should find this useful. SHOULD? Heck, you WILL find it useful, it's MANDATORY THAT YOU FIND IT USEFUL! Now go force yourself to consider me useful! -- K. Also this means my main page gets another rainbow stripe which counts towards my Kibology Merit Badge! From the Navy Seals! I was going to join the Green Berets instead but I found out they're part of the Girl Scouts. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: JESUS H. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 06:42:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "It's like toilet paper for your cat!" -- TV commercial Please tell me I don't have to review this for my Web site. -- K. Also the commercial has Standard Cat Meow #1 (1979) in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: JESUS H. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 12:16:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also the commercial has Standard Cat Meow #1 (1979) in it. > > "Who is Kibo?" > > "Kibo can enumerate meows." > > "Cooooool." Also, unlike Catholicism, Kibology allows for cardinalization of meows. That gal with the big gun will now shoot you before you can say something confusing 'ordinal' and 'ordination'. -- K. Nobody ever shoots me, because I'm Kibo! And if nobody ever shoots you, it's because you're NOT Kibo! And everyone shoots Chevy Chase! I hope. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Man Of The Year, 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 11:18:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just realized that I don't know who Time magazine's Man Of The Year 1998 is, nor do I care. I lost all faith in them when they started having non- people as the Man Of The Year, like in the early eighties when computers were invented and the Man Of The Year was "The Computer", or in the mid-eighties when it was "The Woman" during that year when women became equal to men. I suppose this year they could pick an actual newsmaker, and not a capitalized common noun, as the Man Of The Year. They could go with Bill Clinton or Monica Lewinsky or Bill Gates or Furby, but in all four cases they'd have to print that little box they have whenever they select someone other than Mother Theresa, "The Man Of The Year is selected to represent the person who was in the news the most, not someone anyone likes. In 1938, we picked HITLER!!! And we still don't admit we ever liked him!!!" But I do know that next year they'll have a non-person on the cover, because the 1999 Man Of The Year is going to be "The Y2K Bug". And they'll have a cover illustration of this big preying mantis made out of semicircles cut out of ridged construction paper with a big scary human mouth pasted on. I like that the Y2K bug accounts for about 20% of all TV news now because it's fascinating that we finally have a major news story that is actually (a) content free AND (b) has no visuals at the same time. They're supposed to either pick a non-story that has pictures (an apple much like THESE ONES AT YOUR LOCAL SUPERMARKET might have once had Alar on it!) or a real story that doesn't have pictures (there's a BUDGET PROBLEM SOMEWHERE IN THE GOVERNMENT!) but it's so much fun to watch them tackling something paranoid without the substance or the visuals to merit so much air time. Plus, it's a technical computer-related story, so it's even more fun watching the anchors trying to say words like "ROM BIOS". Given that the TV news hasn't yet discovered the potential of "A COUPLE OF WACKOS SAY THE MILLENNIUM ACTUALLY STARTS IN 2001, NOT 2000, BECAUSE THE FIRST CENTURY WAS 1 TO 100!" stories yet, when they make a token attempt at this AFTER the enormous party on December 31, 1999 everyone will laugh. But of course they'll do that anyway because everyone knows the millennium is determined by whenever all the computers in the world explode. And I stand by my assertion: Anyone who says the 20th century is the years 1901-2000, not 1900-1999, is going to be called A CRAZY PERSON, especially on TV. TV ALWAYS MAKES SANE PEOPLE SEEM EVEN CRAZIER THAN BOZOS THINK THEY ARE!! -- K. Has anyone proposed putting all the Government's computers on an airplane and flying them all west around the world for twenty-four hours so that they can stay ahead of midnight the whole way and just skip January 1? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Man Of The Year, 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:48:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just wrote: > > [...] next year [Time will] have a non-person on the cover, > because the 1999 Man Of The Year is going to be "The Y2K Bug". CNN Headline News (aka Time magazine) just told me that Lake Superior State University has published a list of "banished" words which is topped with "Y2K". I think we should set up a special island with razor-wire around it where all the banished words can live normal lives as far away from me as possible. We can send Y2K there with so many others, and soon. Just let me keep my "doidy". -- K. Meanwhile, Lake Inferior State University just renamed their football team "The Y2Ks". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "seaQuest" Cap Gets Me Noticed -- Part 2 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 10:15:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.tv.seaquest, Leigh Hanlon (lthanlon@enteract.com) wrote: > > Last night, I was walking through the parking lot at my friendly > neighborhood Osco Drug when an older woman approached me, pointed at my > "seaQuest" cap with no small amount of anger and began *screaming* at me in > an Eastern European language (probably Polish). > > I'm wondering: Did the Nazis use a blue triangle to identify any group > placed in concentration camps? No, but Hitler did have an elite troop of commandos called "The SeaQuest Brigade" (usually called "the SQ") whose insignia was a hammerhead shark swimming through a blue swastika. This woman probably just mistook you for an evil person because you like "seaQuest". -- K. The reverse happens to me all the time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.dreams.lucid,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: #80 The End Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:10:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.dreams.lucid, "Mauvey" (twodar@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > When I use the United States Flag as a Symbol to calculate > a "lie" percentage, I come up with the following % figure: If 9-1/2 > people are lied to, that would make 95% were told lies. And the person who told the half a person a whole lie was a Kibologist. By the way, did you ever figure out who was behind all those blockers and nitches? I tried to look out my window for blockers and nitches but all I saw was this huge opaque rectangle covering the whole sky, with some little cubbyholes in it. So I didn't see any blockers or nitches. > By October 1996, I evaluated all the lies that were said to me. > The words of a person who I would call "A Drug Specialist" were: > "Medicine is a game!" IT SURE AIN'T BRAIN SURGERY!!! > There was also an aura speaking: "I make more money > withholding effective medicines. My Job is to cut my Mother's > throat. Sorry, honey, but I win...you lost!" You know, you would be no fun at all on "The Newlywed Game". And I can just imagine that if I ever go to Hell, you will be my celebrity partner on "Password". "Blockers..." > To me the man was saying: "Iam Goddamn, Goddamn Iam > The Prince of Lies. I sit Second to God, and God knows exactly > who I am." > I live in an Era where a person's simple search for Truth can > turn into a modern-day venture like looking for the Holy Grail. > If I can not find Truth here, I know that I could always travel > to the Heavens. > I prayed with both hands to go where the Devil's brigade and > the Angels meet. Yes, to go inside Heaven's Gate where GOD > cups his hands and caress us all. But only if you're wearing black Nikes with the white swoosh. > So, I again prepared for another trip. I gathered a curse to fill one > hand (which could already be someone else's prayer). "May you die > the way you murder," and in the other I carried a prayer (that could > be someone else's curse). "May your lies be like tattoos and printed > all over your body." Cool! That means that Kurt Vonnegut has the Star Spangled Banner printed all over his flabby old butt! > In a finger snap, I was there standing before His Magnificence. > The Big Man, the Lord Himself, stood ten feet before me. > God looked at me and asked, "Where's the White Horse?" > "Oh," I briefly pondered and remembered the White Horse. > The Lord had given me a White Horse and said: "Should you > get off the White Horse for any reason, it will be your DOOM. > You'll not come back a thief twice." > Quickly, I replied, "I didn't get off the White Horse. It disappeared. > It was stolen. The Death Rider has it now." I clearly remembered > the day that the mount disappeared. I had placed my ear to the > ground and I could feel the vibrations of the horse's hoofs as the > rider approached. I could hear the approaching Rider say: "You > lost the cold war. You lost the cold war." > I quickly explained: "When DEATH appeared, it came like a herd > of speeding, stampeding horses and ran over my counterpart. > My poor soul mate lay there almost dead. There was only a > tiny spark of life. I could see by the dust cloud that the herd had > circled and was now waiting on the high hill to the right. They were > waiting to stampede again." > God said, "So." > I couldn't understand what God was saying when He Spoke. So? (By the way, it's a bad sign when you talk to God and He flips you off.) > HIS words placed me beside myself. "So," I blurted. "So, is > something that I would expect from a mere mortal. Certainly, not > from the likes of YOU." Again I pointed to the horses standing > on the high hill and asked, "Don't you see those horses?" > God lifted his arm. By each horse appeared a standing soldier. > Each soldier was holding a horse's mane high. Both a horse and > a soldier stood at the top of the hill to which I was pointing. > God turned to me, saying, "I'll give you the Brown Ass." EE-YADDA-DADDA, DADDA-DADDA-DADDA, DEE-YADDA-DADDA-DADDA, EE-YADDA-DADDA-DADDA, I'LL GIVE YOU THE BROWN ASS, NOWWWWW ONNNN SAAAAALE AAAAAT SEARS!!!! > I shrugged my shoulders, and God pointed to the Angels asking, > "How do the Angels sing?" The Angels all clothed in white had > gathered, "Sing soft sweet and low." Again God asked: "Where > do the Angels go?" Again the Angels harmonized, "To Truth > what do you think Jesus was all about?" > Then God slightly moved his hand backward, and the hill became > a full circle. I saw many horses standing at the top of the full circle, > but I woke before I saw if each standing horse had a soldier. Never mind that, what color were their asses? -- K. And stop making fun of Roy Scheider! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: amputation on mtv Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 07:31:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In rec.arts.bodyart, "bu ter" wrote: > > im guessing most people here probably dont care much for marilyn manson but > have you seen the perfectly cut arm amputation on his new video "i dont like > the drugs" looks almost real other than the facts that its flat on the end > of arm instead of a stub and there was no blood during the procedure. thats > all just thought id share a little info with ya. So other than the fact that the amputation was cut wrong and didn't bleed and Mr. Manson still has two arms, how did you enjoy the show, Mrs. Lincoln? -- K. I read these messages so you don't have to. Then I show 'em all to you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: amputation on mtv Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 02:45:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor jspencer@my-dejanews.com, whose Real Name was so short it fell out between the pixels of my screen, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I read these messages so you don't have to. Then I show 'em all to you. > > You are being too good to us. STOP IT. From now on, for every good > thing you do for us, you have to do one bad thing for us. To balance > this post, you have to stand on top of a WebTV, and sing the star spangled > banner while eating a bowl of Lucky Charms with NO MILK. Waah! I ate a whole box of them without milk a couple weeks ago but it doesn't count because I didn't have to be mean to you then! All I have now is a big box of Cheerios which I've been eating with no milk! And no spoon! Also, I tried to stand on a WebTV, but my Furby was on top of it and I didn't want to be mean to Furby because... um... oh, hell with it! STOMP STOMP STOMP!!!! -- K. CNN Headline News is now telling me that "home computer users should take precautions, too" for The Y2K Bug. He emphasized that although Mac OS, "Linux, and UNIX" are Y2K-ready, we'll have to wait until 2000 to be REALLY SURE!! DON'T PLAY WITH YOUR CLOCK, KIDS! YOU COULD MAKE YOUR COMPUTER EXPLODE EARLY OR ACCIDENTALLY DIAL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Are Sea-Monkeys a virtual pet? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 09:40:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.toys.virtual-pets, "H. D. Diddle" (h.d.diddle@worldnet.att.net) advertised where nobody asked: > > Are Sea-Monkeys a virtual pet, a real live pet, or a huge hoax? I think they're obviously a TINY hoax. Besides, they're sold through the backs of comic books right next to things like "X-Ray Spex". Man, what kind of moron invented those? He must have thought we'd buy anything. Now, "Sea-Monkeys" -- microscopic shrimp sold in an envelope -- thinking of selling that was brilliant. The inventor of Sea-Monkeys must be about a million times smarter than the X-Ray Spex guy! > Find out at Sea-Monkey Central > > http://www.sea-monkey.com/ Ah, a Web site that rises to the level of the back page of a comic book. A Web business reselling Sea-Monkey kits. (Even the guys who actually manufacture Sea-Monkeys don't try this hard.) What's next, Web sites filled with Marvel characters eating Hostess Fruit Pies? -- K. P.S. I am jealous that someone else thought of http://www.fortunecity.com/bennyhills/idle/104/hostess.htm ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:13:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Go to www.kibo.com and look under "Download Big Files", and I should point > > out that 1997 Volume 1 (ark1997a.pdf) is a big file. It's about fourteen > > megabytes. As always, Adobe Acrobat Reader version 3 (or later) is > > required to read it. > > After downloading this monster, finding that it didn't read very well with > version 2.1 of Acrobat, downloading a version 3.0 of Acrobat, paging > through ALL of the Desi Arnaz I could ever want, frog pornography, and > mannequinner torture, I noted that the following pages had some photo > problems: pgs 5, 79, 155, 163, 209, and 270. Now all the pictures in the > index over on the side were fine, but the big pictures on these pages had > a varying degree of problems. Did I not get a clean download or did > anyone else notice anything funny? Besides the posts that is. Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, just because it says your six favorite photos are corrupt but not the pornography section. My original assertion that this is all due to Dean's clumsy oafishness still stands, although I have managed to replicate the exact problem (it saying something about an unexpected end of picture on page 5 and Martin Landau coming out bright blue) on two computers. I am currently developing a theory as to how Dean's oafish clumsiness is breaking all our computers. Also, I'm re-uploading the file now just in case for some reason six cosmic rays changed one bit in each of the six pictures without altering the file's overall checksum to make Acrobat complain that it's corrupt while somehow also magically changing the corresponding bits in my FTP server to make my computer think the file has uploaded correctly. (Do not attempt to download the book until about 7 A.M. Eastern time because I am about to swap the old and new copies.) Anyway, my apologies to Dean about him being a clumsy oaf. Dean, I am sorry that you are a clumsy oaf. Also, your fingerprints are non-kosher 'cause you're so ham-fisted. Now stop screwing up my computer! How am I supposed to write a story about a stupid dead dog named Snuggles when you keep screwing up my computer, Scoob ol' buddy ol' pal? -- K. I'll bet you a dollar the re-uploaded clean copy has the same problems on page 5 even though it STILL uploads and downloads fine on MY computer. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:31:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor All right, I've re-uploaded the 343-page 1997 "A" alt.religion.kibology volume, and after uploading all 13.7 megabytes (which may be more or less depending on whether you computer thinks a megabyte is 1000x1000 or 1000x1024 or 1024x1024) and then downloading them all again it worked absolutely fine for me, page 5 shows Martin Landau with a healthy pink halftone and not fluorescent blue skin of death. So please let me know if your Martin Landau is still a funny color on page 5. Please burn all existing copies and download the new version and if Martin Landau is still blue, well, that'll be HIS problem from now on. To download the book with your Web browser, go to: http://www.kibo.com/kiboarch/ (PLEASE read the instructions at the top of the page! Save the file to disk rather that trying to look at it within the Web browser, because most Web browsers have trouble viewing 13.7-megabyte documents directly from the Web.) Or, to download via FTP (if you don't trust your Web browser with PDFs): ftp://ftp.std.com/pub/alt.religion.kibology/ark1997a.pdf (PLEASE set your FTP to binary mode!) (And in both cases, you MUST MUST MUST use Acrobat Reader version 3, version 2 will NEVER EVER NEVER NAIVER NURVER NOOVER work!) -- K. For extra credit, find (a) the secret Masonic power word and (b) the word that blows up the whole Universe hidden in the book. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 12:13:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor This is technically very weird. After successfully re-uploading the book, I did a hexadecimal dump ('od -x') of both copies and compared them ('diff'). (Interestingly, each of the two 'od -x' commands took far longer than 'diff' on this big computer. The two hex dumps were 86 megabytes total.) The comparison shows that three changes happened, in a very peculiar pattern: kibo@world /usr/tmp/k 7 Semprini> diff new old | more 35950,35951c35950,35951 < 2143420 25c8 addf 4c62 09b3 6be7 0b19 7453 7b7e < 2143440 9ed6 7d76 82f5 8a27 1783 f3fb 6e3c 105c --- > 2143420 25c8 addf 4c62 09b3 6be7 0b19 7453 0000 > 2143440 0001 7d76 82f5 8a27 1783 f3fb 6e3c 105c 42162,42163c42162,42163 < 2445520 0064 90a0 8149 c185 b744 b363 6eeb 48ce < 2445540 77fe 5226 d5be 3528 85f0 1778 90bc 7350 --- > 2445520 0064 90a0 8149 c185 b744 b363 6eeb 0000 > 2445540 0001 5226 d5be 3528 85f0 1778 90bc 7350 131694,131695c131694,131695 < 0023420 5a8e 52fa a6d5 91ef f14a 11d1 9a4b fa99 < 0023440 b0b9 4eb5 98fe 7551 2830 bfb6 6d75 ad50 --- > 0023420 5a8e 52fa a6d5 91ef f14a 11d1 9a4b 0000 > 0023440 0001 4eb5 98fe 7551 2830 bfb6 6d75 ad50 I.e. in three cases a longword got set to '0000 0001' at an address of xxxxxx3E. I did the two uploads exactly the same way both times. I suspect the bug's some weird flaky Open Transport thing at my end because if it was in the FTP server here people would have noticed long ago. Anyway, those of you who have copies of the corrupt book with the blue Martin Landau can apply the three patches shown above to fix it. -- K. I can see people in 2098: "For sale, INCREDIBLY RARE alt.religion.kibology book with BLUE MARTIN LANDAU, asking $5 or BEST OFFER!!!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 02:36:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This is technically very weird. > > You know, if there is a news report that Martin Landeau is found > dead of suffocation, skin or regular? If it's skin suffocation, look for that "Bluefinger" guy from a late "Get Smart" episode when they were running out of ideas and Max and 99 got married and had twins. That show was the biggest ripoff of "Moonlighting" ever, including "Small Wonder"! > I think we'll all know who to blame. Bob Hope, for endorsing Ron Popeil's Seal-A-Landau. > How much will you pay us to keep YOUR TERRIBLE SECRET????? I just like how in 1984 everyone had to read "1984" in school a million times and they made a bad movie of "1984" and everyone was talking about "1984", and in 2001 everyone will have to watch "2001" and read the potboiler novelization of "2001" and they'll make a sequel to "2001" titled "2001: 2001", but even though it's 1999 _right_ _now_ the Sci-Fi Channel _still_ won't show "Space: 1999"! They took it away a year or two ago and now we won't get to watch Martin Landau blowing up the Moon THE SAME DAY IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS!! Anyway, I've already started planning the big alt.religion.kibology Sept. '99 party, and I'm hoping that I can lure Martin Landau away from appearing alongside Barbara Bain at that big Los Angeles "Space: 1999" reunion the same day. I'm sure I can match their offer because I'm sure he's doing it for free, it's not like it would take much money to get Martin Landau to put on his old "Space: 1999" uniform and pretend to be friends with Barbara Bain and answer questions from lots of fanboys or anything. Also, it's too bad he never won an Oscar! -- K. And it's three bad that I didn't win two Oscars! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 00:58:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > > > I think we'll all know who to blame. > > > > Bob Hope, for endorsing Ron Popeil's Seal-A-Landau. > > This would indicate to me that you, Kibo, are actually Bob Hope, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... (Kibo runs off to the horizon and moments later returns from the other horizon) ...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! You're mean! Especially since you made me run across the Pacific Ocean, and I lost my wallet in China. > and since the mention-a-celeberty-and-they-will-die thing only > works when you DON'T do it on purpose, your wishing that Bob Hope > would die is all part of your evil plot to LIVE FOREVER ON THE > BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT. The first time I read that it said "LIVE FOREVER ON THE BLOOD OF THE INTERNET", and I thought, yeah, that's what I'm doing. But it's not what you said, so now I get to push the special button which makes the Internet's trap door open up and drop you into a bottomless pit three-quarters filled with a mixture of snapping turtles and cooties! The real kind, not the highly entertaining Milton Bradley kind. > People, we've been duped! Kibo, quit duping already, you mean thing! WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL THEM DUPES? I'll stop as soon as all the scientists of the world stop with their fudgery. I AM SICK OF FUDGE! I WANT THEM TO MAKE RASPBERRY STUFF! -- K. RASPBERRY FUDGE IS NOT AN OPTION! I'LL DRINK RASPBERRY SHAMPOO IF I HAVE TO! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: big suck theory Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 10:19:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net commented insightfully on Alexander Abian's "Big Suck" theory: > > I like partly some ideas of Abian. Every time Abian posts one of his long theses, I am forced to agree that, yes, I also like part of it. The part of his theories I like the best is always THE END! > The laws of science are part of the laws > of God. The laws of God apply to people and particles. Opposites attract > like girls and boys. A person who tries to get every thing and does not do > any thing for people can become like a black hole. A lot of not normal > things happen to a black hole kind of like dishonest people. Most people do > not want to run into a black hole and most people do not want to run into > mean people. A lot of people like power and they like to use power. But if > a person uses power they will lose power to conserve energy and momentum. Yes, people are just like black holes. If a black hole attracts a star, the black hole has to be the opposite gender of the star. But two black holes will attract each other. Doesn't this mean that your theory proves that ALL BLACK HOLES ARE GAY? Or at least very drunk? -- K. P.S. I like part of your theory too and I want to give it part of a hug. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Burger King Van Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 08:46:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Aaron A. (DoctorAaron@webtv.net) wrote: > > There is a house not too far from my own which has, for as long as I can > remember, had a Burger King van parked in front. It has a big BK logo > on the side, captioned by the words, "Serving the finest people in the > world "ALASKANS"*." It was there when I moved in 4 1/2 years ago, and > has never moved so far as I can tell. I pass the house at least four > times a day, and it has never failed to be right there. > > *Yes, that is an extraneous set of quotation marks, plus the word > 'Alaskans,' or rather, 'ALASKANS,' is on a 30 degree upward slant, as > opposed to the rest of the phrase, which is nice and horizontal and > tidy-looking. > > [...] > > Does anybody have a clue what the hell is going on here? One WebTV owner knows how quote marks work. This scares me more than the news that Burger King is serving Alaskans to the best people in the world. SOYLENT WHOPPERS ARE ALASKANS!!! -- K. I think we should kick Alaska out of the U.S. and make Animal 57 a state. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cooties Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 23:59:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) crabbed: > > > > I'm sorry, but I find that extremely offensive. NOBODY has ownership > > over what is funny in this group, NOBODY dictates the "standards" to > > which we are supposed to "live up". > > to quote from an earlier Kibo article: > > "you MUST understand that, by definition, Kibo gets all > jokes that nobody else gets." > > since jokes are only funny if you get them, this means that > Kibo only gets jokes that aren't funny! > > and since I am mailing Kibo jokes that nobody else gets, this > must mean that I am *not* mailing him jokes that are funny! > which means I am keeping them! which means that I *own* them, > bwana! > > I hereby announce that I am holding HUMOR HOSTAGE until the > entire assembled wiseacres of ARK kowtow to my ur-hair!!! You're confusing Zippy's joke about releasing the Hostesses (and/or his joke about "Chostages" with the swirly icing blindfold) with Good Humor. I realize this is easy to do, given that neither is an actual food product, but here is a handy chart to allow you to tell Good Humor from unfunny humor from Hostesses from hostages: GOOD HUMOR -- Frozen white sludge dipped in brown chitin. LAME HUMOR -- Comedy in list format. HOSTESS -- Makers of brown sponges injected with white sludge which contains no real ingredients and cannot legally be called "creamy" or even "kremey" or "kree-mee" but must instead be legally called "yuk". HOSTAGES -- People who are tied to their computer and forced to post to alt.religion.kibology just to amuse me. Then, in an adjacent message, David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re David Pacheco's burnout rant] > > > > David! You used to be funny. > > WAAAAH! I'm no longer in the "blue" level of Kibo's scorefile! I've > probably fallen to Urine Yellow level, so now whenever he sees one of my > posts Kibo says "Hey David, YOU'RE IN YELLOW!" and then he *PLONKS* me! > With his foot! Naah, you're still blue because I didn't remove you from my scorefile because I figured it didn't matter because you said you were leaving, you filthy liar! I don't care if I begged you to stay, the fact that you actually did makes you a FILTHY FILTHY LIAR and so now I want you to GO! > KIBO'S SCOREFILE COLOUR SCHEME: > > Green: Posts by Kibo > Blue: Posts by the people sitting at the cool table > Brown: Followups to posts not by Kibo, but referring to posts that he > may or may not have once thought about writing in an alternate Universe. > Orange: Posts about Ireland > Violet: posts to Usenet, but not the one on the Internet > Flashing neon pink: posts by Archi Pu > Grey: LOSERS! > Black: the new grey for this year's fashion season > Urine Yellow: Posts by David > Ultraviolet: Posts by John Grubor > X-Ray: Posts submitted on a WebTV=A0=A0=A0=A0=A0=A0=A0=A0=A0=A0 > Black hole: posts that contain all posts that quote themselves in their > entirety Yes, except that Urine Yellow sorts below all the other levels, except for Black hole, which sorts below Black hole. Also, in reality, Brown Level trumps Blue Level because responding to me is more important than being a good person. > > GET YOUR FILTHY FRICKIN HANDS OFF MY MANTLE! IT'S HARD TO GET NOUGAT OUT > > OF NATURAL PURPLE ERMINE! > > Try a little soda water on that. Or some anti-nougat. I like how "soda" becomes "pop" or "tonic" in different parts of the world (in Boston, different supermarkets use all three) but "soda water" can't be referred to as "pop water", which is a cryin' shame. > > > [David] > > > > > > Now it appears that the self-appointed "net-cops" and "standards > > > committees" hold sway, silently rating everything that is posted, and > > > assigning degrees of funniness and coolness to all who dare press the > > > brightly coloured "POST" button. > > > > [Kibo] > > > > You use a newsreader with a COLOR "post" button? > > [David] > > No, I use a COMPUTER with a big color foam rubber "POST" button. AND it > has a Fisher Price big wheel with the pictures of all the Kibologists on > the front, and when you point the arrow at them and pull the string it > makes the sound the REAL Kibologists would make if they were made out of > plastic and encased in a cheap disposable Fisher Price string-powered toy! Wait... I *am* encased in a plastic string-powered toy. STOP MAKING FUN OF ME! I CAN'T HELP IT IF I'M TOTALLY PATHETIC IN EVERY WAY! DROOL, DROOL!!!!!! <-- VERY LOUD DROOLING > It goes "RRRRRRRR-WWWHHHZZZZZZZ-ZZZZGGRGGGGGRGGGG-SHLURP-SHLURP- > BOING!!". I think it's broken. Or maybe that's EXACTLY RIGHT! KILL MOMMY! KILL MOMMY! (That was what some doll in the 1980s was reported to be saying; apparently it was just that the Spanish-language dolls, which said "Quero mami!" got mixed up with the English-language ones, although the company press-released some really bizarre "explanations" such as "low batteries make it talk slow". Currently, a parallel story is going around that Furbies are shouting "FAGGOT! FAGGOT!". Apparently one of the sensors in Furby's forehead can detect latent gayness in children! So give your kids a Furby to keep them from turning gay.) -- K. I think Bee In A Balloon is more fun than Furby In A Balloon. Unless Furbies also have an air sensor so they can suffocate. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fashion,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do you alternate deoderants? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 01:21:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.fashion, "COMMISSIONER PAUL E" (BigDaddyDrool@webtv.net) wrote: > > --WebTV-Mail-229774133-295 > Content-Type: Text/Plain; Charset=US-ASCII > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > Do you alternate deoderants regularly? If so, what brands do you switch > around with? > > cpe Like most people here, I use Right Guard only on my right arm, then the next day I use the other kind only on my left arm. Except sometimes I forget to put on either kind for months at a time. > --WebTV-Mail-229774133-295 > Content-Description: signature > Content-Disposition: Inline > Content-Type: Text/HTML; Charset=US-ASCII > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > >
href="http://209.240.131.195/paule.html"> src="http://esw-prowrestling.com/Commish.JPG">
"Hey > Bro'! Spare a Quarter? > Spare a Cigarette?" > BIG DADDY DROOL! COMMISSIONER PAUL E of the href="http://209.240.131.195">E.S.W.
src="http://esw-prowrestling.com/paultheme.wav"> > > > --WebTV-Mail-229774133-295-- I wonder what kind of deodorant professional wrestlers don't use... -- K. Pro wrestling and WebTV are observed to have a high degree of correlation. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dr. Scott, UHF 68, Los Angeles, Saturday 11pm Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 23:27:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Does it bother anyone else that while the Cartoon Network has "The Tex Avery > > Show", consisting entirely of classic cartoons by Tex Avery, a local re-run > > channel has "The Wacky World Of Tex Avery", a very badly-animated *new* > > cartoon featuring characters he never drew performing poorly-drawn under- > > animated unfunny non-actions? > > Yes. Does it also bother anyone else that when Tex Avery did "The House Of Tomorrow" and "The Farm Of Tomorrow" and "The Car Of Tomorrow" and my personal favorite, "TV Of Tomorrow" (I covet that asymmetrical red TV in the last scene that receives pictures from Mars) he never bothered doing "Cartoons Of Tomorrow"? > > One of the characters is named "Tex Avery", > > so apparently that's the connection, at least in their minds... THEIR WACKY > > MIND OF NOT TEX AVERY. > > I think that they were trying to get as close to Tex Avery's actual style > as you can get with limited animation, no drawing skill, no humor, and > modern Saturday morning content restrictions. For those of you who aren't professional animations, allow me to demonstrate the difference between full animation and limited animation. FULL ANIMATION: (Bugs Bunny steps on a banana peel and flails his arms and twists his entire body madly as he bounces around the screen in perspective while rotating and his chest goes up and down as he breathes and his ears flop around and every time he moves any of his muscles it affects all his other muscles realistically because he is completely drawn anew in every single frame. He falls on his butt and several stars smoothly orbit his head in three dimensions, and all the stars are different and have their own personalities and do different wacky things.) LIMITED ANIMATION: (Yogi Bear walks across the screen, represented by his legs blinking on and off rhythmically, one-two-one-two-ad-infinitum. His legs are a slightly different color than the rest of his body, which is completely sessile, except that his eyes periodically flicker to indicate winking. All this occurs "on twos", meaning it twenve frames per second. He walks off the right edge of the screen, then we hear him yell "OH NO, I JUST STEPPED ON A BANANA PEEL, BOO-BOO!" and the camera shakes up and down rigidly as something exciting happens in the land where we cannot see because it involves motion. Then the camera slides to the right to reveal a still picture of Yogi on his butt with stars blinking on and off above his head, and all the stars are absolutely identicaly except the ones on the right are slightly rougher because Hanna-Barbera's "xerographer", Star Wirth, always starts copying from the left to the right.) NO ANIMATION: (Clutch Cargo is shown in closeup, in the only picture of him they have. Where his mouth should be drawn is instead an elliptical hole in the picture where the animator is sticking his lips through. He says "I am sure glad that I did not step on that banana peel several hours ago." Then his dog says "Woof!". The dog also has human lips. Think of Conan O'Brien's comedy segments only done much more crudely and even stupider.) The other thing that bugs me about cartoons now is that the wave of computer-animated ones ("Transformers: Beast Wars", "War Planets", "Voltron: The Third Dimension", and all the others that attempt to be "ReBoot") are always sold to kids as "IN THREE-DEE!" because they must be three-dimensional because Hanna-Barbera had trouble drawing even TWO dimensions, let alone perspective. (Recently there was a cartoon which was actually sort of 3-D -- "Bots Master" -- except that it harnessed the incredibly lame technique of making you wear glasses with one clear and one dark eye and then everything moved to the left constantly to simulate motion towards, or away from you, I couldn't tell which.) Basically, Max Fleischer's Superman cartoons could reach out and wad up all current cartoons into a tiny ball which still would contain less animation than the pupil of his left eyes. Or I should say pupils, as when he used his X-ray vision his eyeballs would turn around to expose the special lead lenses on the back of his eyes just for X-ray vision. And... those cartoons, with their realistic human figures, full animation, "on ones", soft shading, fluid motion, elaborate special effects, facial expressions, etc., were animated by a team of one to four animators. (The early Mickey Mouse cartoons -- the ones like "Plane Crazy" where there was actually real animation -- were drawn entirely by one man, Ub Iwerks, but Walt Disney got all the credit.) Early Bugs Bunny cartoons (such as the ones directed by Bob Clampett) were also animated by two to four people. NOW, you have to have about a HUNDRED North Koreans working in a sweatshop cranking out the cartoons real fast for ten cents an hour, and because you have so many people working on the cartoon -- and drawing so rapidly and with a relative lack of skill -- the characters have to be simplified to eliminate all possibility of them every looking different from one animator to the next, and so the animators are all given model sheets that say "THE DINOBABIES LOOK LIKE THIS, THE DINOBABIES ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THIS, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO POSE THEM DIFFERENTLY OR ROTATE THEIR HEADS." Thus, when Bugs Bunny gets whacked with a board, his whole body can move and rotate and change -- the "stretch and squash" technique which is only available in full animation when drawn by talented artists who can draw a full range of motion in perspective -- but when Yogi Bear gets hit by a board they cut from an exactly-traced drawing of him in Standard Yogi Bear Inaction Pose #1 to an exactly-traced drawing of him in Standard Yogi Bear Inaction Pose #1 With His Head Turned Ninety Degrees where his reaction involves as little effort as possible, i.e. they keep the same body and paste on a different head, and he can only face to the front or side but cannot actually rotate his head. (Hanna-Barbera did these very lame Yogi Bear cartoons over thirty years ago, with a staff of a dozen "animators", but the principles still hold. Modern bad cartoons with a hundred animators are sometimes that bad, are often less limited, but still suck. Disney and Warner cartoons now still have full animation, although rather poorly drawn in comparison with past efforts, and often either on twos or "tweened" on a computer.) I should point out that the one advantage modern bad cartoons have over old bad cartoons is in the coloring: GOOD CARTOONS (1930s): Bugs Bunny's body parts are the right color in every frame. If an ink-and-painter (what the Peanuts cartoon credits called a "graphic blandishment" artist) were to paint Bug's left ear white on the outside and gray on the inside, instead of the right away around, in one frame, the cartoon's director would notice it blinking on and off and yell "THAT'S WRONG, NOW WE'VE GOT TO GO BACK AND RE-DO THAT ONE FRAME!" BAD CARTOONS (1950s to 1980s): Yogi Bear's necktie is drawn with his black nose color instead of his red necktie color in one frame of the cartoon. And of course this one frame is used a hundred times during the cartoon. If anyone at the studio noticed it, they just mumbled "AW, KIDS ARE STUPID, THEY DON'T CARE!" and went back to drinking. BAD CARTOONS (1990s): The line drawings are scanned into a computer and the person at the keyboard clicks on the little paint-bucket icon and clicks on Bugs Bunny and it automatically colors him in through all frames in the scene the same way. And errors can be fixed if the director so desires. (This is also the stage where a cartoon drawn "on twos" can be "tweened" to look as if it's drawn "on ones", which improves their fluidity vastly although still does not yield the full freedom of movement that being drawn at a full frame rate does.) Modern bad cartoons, such as the French-animated "The Real Adventures Of Jonny Quest" (which had the computer-generated effects pasted in after the cartoons were completed, as a lame attempt to make them less sucky) also have AUTOMATIC LIP SYNC, where the computer is shown what an open mouth, a closed mouth, and an intermediate mouth look like and it automatically inserts one of the three based on the volume going through the microphone at that moment. Of course, this means that 90% of everyone's face has to remain completely non-motile at all times so that their lips can be tacked on. (Compare those Bob Clampett Bugs Bunny cartoons where Bugs's whole face animates as he talks while chewing his carrot and working his eyebrows and turning his head.) And if you want to see Very Bad Animation... two words: DOCTOR KATZ. Not only does the "animation" consist entirely of two identical badly-drawn still pictures (which have ragged edges and are alternated repeatedly to make all the edges of the still picture wiggle) but it's drawn at 320x240 resolution at a low color depth (8-bit?) on an old Mac that doesn't even display an "overscan" area so that you can see a black border all the way around the picture. Even those "Space Ghost Coast To Coast" cartoons made from stealing frames from old Hanna-Barbera crud (and perverting their intent brilliantly) have more animation in 'em than the headache-inducing low-rez zigzags in "Dr. Katz". Other attempts at zero-budget, zero-skill low-tech computer animation show up as filler segments on "Sesame Street". I predict that the future of bad animation will show more of a divergence: The high-profile, reasonable-budgeted computer animated "3-D" shows are getting better ("Voltron: The Third Dimension" has computer-animated HUMANS in it) but the very poorly computer-animated stuff like "Dr. Katz" persists, suggesting that people are still looking for ways to cut corners even with the computer, without taking advantage of any sort of sophisticated technology, so that in a couple years we're going to see cartoons generated entirely by old Atari videogame systems. I should also point out that "funny" cartoons can't be done well with the "3-D" computer animation and are best done with actual hand-drawn artwork, but the "3-D" stuff works well enough for infantile shows about robots punching each other. -- K. I just wish they'd bring back the old Scrubbing Bubbles. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dr. Scott, UHF 68, Los Angeles, Saturday 11pm Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 01:10:21 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Bob Manson (manson@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > which was actually sort of 3-D -- "Bots Master" -- except that it harnessed > > Woah! The Bots Master was a superb animation tour-de-force! I'd get up > every day at 3am to mentally prepare myself for the orgasmic > experience. I even scratched up one of my corneas so I wouldn't have > to wear the dark lens over one eye. Yes, but did you scratch it from the INSIDE? > > simulate motion towards, or away from you, I couldn't tell which.) > > Both! Neither! IT WAS 33L33T! > > Never did see the final episode, tho. It was pretty lame. It was just a flash-forward to where King Super Bot was really old and reminisced about how Zonbo and Z'far weren't around to reminisce about the big climactic ending to the story because they died offscreen between episodes, and then the Universe blew up twice, and then the camera pulled back to reveal that it was all taking place in this little snowglobe inside this big display case full of other stuff and there was a big sign on the case which said "STUFF THAT NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED! SO LONG, SUCKERS!" And then there were orange-and-purple line drawings of the entire Graphic Blandishment department and some fake bloopers. -- K. What if you're trying to make a fake blooper but you screw it up? Is it ruined or just Very Special? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dr. Quest, UB Iwerks, Saturday am Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 07:55:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) expositoried: > > "Captain, I believe the plants act as an expository." (Raises an eyebrow and stuffs a Tootsie Roll lollipop into his mouth as someone explains the big word to William Shatner) By the way, nobody ever guessed the answer when I asked who I was quoting when I said "OH! I'VE CRUSHED A BALL!" It was William Shatner to Nick Meyer on the tiny set representing the endless cave in "Star Trek II". > > [...frames cut for teevee broadcast...] > > > > Basically, Max Fleischer's Superman cartoons could reach out and wad > > up all current cartoons into a tiny ball which still would contain less > > animation than the pupil of his left eye. [...] > > Indeed. I think about all you left out was mentioning that EARLY 1930s > Fleischer toons are a good example of something fully animated but > poorly drawn, which can be more visually interesting than well drawn > but minimally animated, like the 1960s Johnny Quests. It can go both ways. Something using limited animation coupled with very good comic timing and style, such as the earliest of Hanna-Barbera's "Two Stupid Dogs" (fake Ren & Stimpy) or their current "Johnny Bravo" and the first "Powderpuff Girls" achieve a striking effect with very simple drawings which hold still a lot... but "simple" does not equate "poorly drawn" if the lines are very clean and the characters are very carefully stylized (i.e. Hello Kitty.) Note that in the case of the above citations it's the work of Craig McCracken, Genndy Tartakovsky, and Van Partible that developed that new Hanna-Barbera house style to try to achieve _something_ of virtue within the incredible constraints of Hanna-Barberic limited animation. As far as those ancient Fleischer cartoons go, in the forties they were cranking out both the best-drawn/best-animated cartoons of all time (the early Supermans) as well as the surprisingly crudely-drawn Popeye cartoons. (I should point out that I am not talking about later Fleischer Popeyes, or the few Fleischer "stereo-optical" 3-D Popeyes which had a big budget, or the awful ones drawn for the Bozo show where Bozo demanded that the bad guy be "Brutus" and not "Bluto", or any of the later Popeye mutations. I am talking about the really old Popeye cartoons from before double you double you eye eye, toot toot.) These particular Popeye cartoons seemed to have full animation achieved with only ONE CEL (Mike Jittlov speculates that they HAD only one cel -- cels cost money, and they would have washed it off after each frame) resulting in, for instance, when Popeye sits on a chair, the chair begins to wiggle around because the chair is being completely redrawn in every frame because it has to be on the same cel as Popeye, who is completely redrawn in every frame. You can tell that the animation staff was doing some tweening with key drawings every eight cells or so because the chair would vibrate with a specific rhythm as if first every eighth frame was drawn and then all the others. (For those of you in alt.fan.mike-jittlov, in the scenes in "The Wizard Of Speed & Time" where Mike is animating the long shot of the Wizard kicking up dust as he runs across the frame from right to left, he was down to his last cel at that point, which is why you see him drawing on it with a grease pencil and wiping it off to make the next frame.) > > And... those cartoons, with their realistic human figures, full animation, > > "on ones", soft shading, fluid motion, elaborate special effects, facial > > expressions, etc., were animated by a team of one to four animators. > > (The early Mickey Mouse cartoons -- the ones like "Plane Crazy" where > > there was actually real animation -- were drawn entirely by one man, > > Ub Iwerks, but Walt Disney got all the credit.) > > Dear Lleah: > The above is the explanation to the joke I asked for last month. > Congratulations on getting Kibo to do your homework for you. Here's what I said a couple days ago while making fun of E Teflon Piano's E-mail address which contained the word "ubalt": -> "ubalt" is such a nice word that I predict that soon we're going to -> see it on all kinds of consumer products sold through late-night TV. -> "You'll never get your car stuck in a naturally-ocurring nougat pit -> again when you equip it with Ronco Ubalt!" -> -> I should point out that Ron Popeil did not personally invent the -> Ronco Ubalt, it was Ub Iwerks and the kids from "Zoom". For Leah's pop culture file: * Ub Iwerks drew Mickey Mouse for that other guy * Ron Popeil invented most of that Ronco crap * "Zoom" was a WGBH (Boston) production in the seventies that featured kids who could speak "Ubbidub" (and is now being revived, although I will cry if they lose Milton Glaser's Baby Teeth typeface which gave the whole thing a zero-budget acid-rock-opera quality) * ubalt is presumably the University Of Cheryl Baltimore, who was in the bad movie "Millennium" WITHOUT Lance Henriksen, who is the white Roy Scheider * If Richard Dreyfuss hadn't quit as the lead of "All That Jazz", who would be the captain of the "seaQuest", Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, Michael Ironside, or Bob Fosse? What if "All That Jazz" had been about Scheider's personal life and not Fosse's? Or if it had starred a talking dolphin? > Ob Ub: In the late 1980s I co-ran a video store with some > New Orleans vampire writer chyk (no, not her); it was called > "Froggy's Videos" and our logo was Iwerks' Flip the Public Domain Frog. Thank you, I will! (sound of frog hitting pavement) I think I'll have to create a new cartoon character named "Beat Me Up The Clown". Because anything is funny when it has "The Clown" after it and even funnier if it has "Beat Me Up" written on it too. > We hired a sign painter, and gave him xeroxes of an Iwerks drawing > of Flip smiling broadly with his arms extended merrily as if to say, > "Ta-Daa!". The painter MOSTLY did a good job of rendering the drawing > on our sign, except that for some reason he made the legs come together > about 2 inches BELOW the bottom of Flip's shorts. The result was rather > like Flip was wearing a too-short miniskirt. > (Christian Video Review says: "Contains no nudity, although frog crotch > is visible".) Thinking about the geometry of the shorts makes my head hurt. He had two leg holes... but his legs divided AFTER leaving the shorts... It's like when Charles Addams goes skiing and leaves the two trails on the two sides of the tree even though he was SNOWBOARDING AND ONLY HAD ONE LEG!!! So anyway, you're saying that he leaned on his crotch as a crutch? > Also, when we showed Chuck Jones a copy of our logo, he said that > "Iwerks" is "Screwy" spelled backwards. Yes, but "Ub" is "Pu" spelled sideways through the fourth dimension. > And finally to tie things together, one of the guests at the opening > of Froggy's Videos was Al Rose, who had animated for Max Fleischer in > his youth, and also wrote the biography of ragtime composer/centenarian > Eubie Blake, who early in his life sometimes went by "U. B. Blake". Then he changed his last name to Forty. > > I just wish they'd bring back the old Scrubbing Bubbles. > > I saw 6 of them walking down St. Charles Avenue on Mardi Gras. > Really. I think the Christian Movie Guide should review Mardi Gras. > I hear they've had trouble finding employment since it became known that > during the Vietnam War they worked formulating Agent Durian. But Dow Chemical is Dom Chemical spelled upside down, makers of fine champagne and movies about talking skateboards. That's why in the future world of NBC's "seaQuest" they had to keep Dom DeLuise in that big plastic scrubbing bubble. -- K. "Waah, we ran out of ideas and we've got to film a new episode!" "I know, let's film Dom DeLuise's family reunion and play frisbee!" "WOW! That'll be the best episode we've EVER made!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.toys.virtual-pets,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dying Furbies - Need Help Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 09:45:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.toys.virtual-pets, Marc Whisker (mwhisker@iol.ie) wrote: > > I bough my two cousins a Furby each for christmas this year. The first furby > died after four hous. I have tried re-set, Re-start, new batteries, > everything short of a new furby. The second furby after 7 days appers to > have lost its mind, despite new batteries and a re-set. It has an > intermittent fault it starts to make a continuous sound and then appers to > be doing everything at once. Then it dies and becomes unresponsive for about > four hours. > > I could well believe that one furby dying was an unlucky purchase being > badly manufactured but after having bought two and both have developed > faults I have to ask the question is this really a frail toy or is there > some design fault in the manufacturing process. Anyone else had any similar > problems or any suggestions? Do you know how, when you have two Furbies, they "communicate" with each other through those infrared sensors? Well, there's a communicable disease going around -- a kind of Furby virus. A Furby can catch it from being near any computer that's connected to the Internet. While no cure is known yet, scientists say there is only a 10% probability that the Furby virus can infect human beings. My advice is to wrap your Furbies in aluminum foil and store them at least 50,000 feet away from any people, pets, computers, telephone lines, or other Furbies. -- K. Or someone could have shot your Furbies with one of those toy lasers which fires an infrared beam, which is harmless to humans but deadly to Furbies. This is supposed to be a military secret! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,misc.legal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Electric Armor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 09:57:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology I would just like to take this opportunity to reply to an entire thread at once to save virtual paper, and to make this article longer. In sci.physics, "STAR1SHIP" (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > Patent pend. U.S. 07/247,498 Plasma rocket engine; International Patent > Cooperation Treaty(PCT) PCT/US89/05888 Star Ship > [...] > > A means to protect the rocket and pay load from projectile > collisions with dust and matter it may encounter may be obtained by > reducing the cross section of the craft, thereby, streamlining it. WOW! YOU'VE PATENTED THE IDEA OF MAKING THINGS SKINNY!!! That Ally McBeal gal must owe you a ton of money. > My invention may be shaped as a long cylinder to aid in streamlining. You've invented the pretzel rod! No, wait... the crayon! The uncooked spaghetti! > Another means of protection may be found with metals that have a shape > memory effect when heated. By anticipating the collision of solid > matter using conventional technology (such as radar or metal > detectors), a heating electric current may be generated through the > shape memory effect metal to resist the original penetration at the > time of impact by the force of the spring back effect plus the > thickness of the metal, thereby, creating an electric armor of my own > invention. > > I claim: > 6. My invention is an electric armor that is a means of > protecting an object from projectile collision, whereby, a > shape memory metal is heated electrically at the time of > collision to use the metals spring back effect to add to the > effective thickness of the shield, thereby increasing the > resistance to penetration. Have you considered just using STRONGER metal so you don't have to pound the dents out? Incidentally, you may want to sue the "Wonderbra" people for travelling back in time and patenting the use of memory wire to prevent denting and sagging several years ago. > [...] > Note: > An accepted patent application prohibits the granting of a patent to another on > my invention and any improvements for all time. You have my permission to make > use sell and operate my invention above and all included with the application. > I reserve my right to enforce full patent protection at all future dates from > the granted Universal Patent Number 1 protecting intellectual property. I also > reserve granted Star Ship Operator License Number 1 and all future rights to > license those who will make, use or sell my invention, parts thereof and all > improvements under my authority as inventor. The range of this protection > extends to the ends of the universe's limit in space and time. and HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS! (FIVE MILLION GLOWING NEON DANCING BEARS PARADE ACROSS YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN, TWIRL AROUND, RECEDE INTO INFINITY, AND EXPLODE INTO A SHOWER OF FIVE MILLION SPARKLY FIREWORKS, EACH OF A DIFFERENT HUE, WHILE TEN THOUSAND TUBAS PLAY BEETHOVEN'S "ODE TO JOY" AT DOUBLE SPEED. CUT TO DON KNOTTS.) DON KNOTTS: "Wowsers! Them's glowing bears!" (THE DANCING-BEAR SEQUENCE IS REPEATED, PLAYED BACKWARDS. DON KNOTTS EXPLODES.) In a different sci.physics article, "STAR1SHIP" (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > [...] > Simple machines working on simple principles such as my armor or rocket do not > have to be built or even have a picture drawn to be a patentable invention. I > have descibed in writing my invention. give the description to any one and have > him build it. I remain the inventor in all states except Mossuri that I cannot > spell. Well, then, you should patent your original spelling. Then you could be King of Mossuri, or at least one of those twits who lives in a shack and claims to have seceded from the United States Of America and watches Kevin Costner's "The Postman" over and over. And in another article on the same topic, "STAR1SHIP" (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > When my patent application was accepted it became patent pending giving me the > above rights. It granted me sole autority to make, use operate and license > others to use my invention for the period of examination.. > > Under that granted authority, I issued the star ship operators license number > 1(to myself). As the worlds first it stands as number one for all time. I see. So having your patent filed in a very special unofficial place in the Patent Office, a patent for making things skinny and/or the Wonderbra, entitles you to be the only person who can go to another galaxy. Well, good. Don't forget to write. > Countries that use my invention beyond their national air spaace to avoid my > patent rights will find that the Universal Patent Number 1 invented and issued > by me under the space extention of Maritime law will allow me to board, > confiscate or destroy their pirated ships. Cool! Archie Plutonium keeps talking about his magical invisible lawsuits, but I think having an invisible space fleet conducting a space war on your behalf is considerably saner. > I filed as a small entity to cut my patent fees in half. This status is revoked > should I consult an attorney for any reason. Dear misc.legal, please say something to him just to ruin his application. THAadvanceNKS! > The legal case law, I have throughly researched ...at the "Legal-Law Desk Of The Plutonium Atom Foundation", no doubt? > and documented in my file wrapper as filed with the patent office. You misspelled "fish", hope this helps. > Only two or three countries allow a patent to issue when not constructed in > three dimensions as opposed to the two dimensional working diagram I have. A _working_ diagram, as opposed to a piece of paper that doesn't actually fly into outer space and shoot at Klingons. > My Universal Patent gives me the highest protection possible though I keep the > right to petition congress as a formality. My Universal Patent as number one > has no experation date to protect my invention right whgile I undergo > relativistic time dilation effects therefore those I do not take to heaven can > follow later unless I revoke my permission for their misbehavior. This is all quite clever, although you misspelled "relativistic brain dilation". And, in yet another post on the same topic, "STAR1SHIP" wrote: > > It is unlikely you had declared the status of small entity (Soverign Nation of One). > You apparantly you have only those rights that others gave you and you > demonstrated no abilty to defend your property with out legal assistance. So if you're the monarch of a sovereign nation of one, who succeeds to your throne when you die? Also, in your country, who is King of Science? > A patent application is not accepted if in the fantasy realm of perpetual > motion, flying saucers, violative of universal law and other tests. The patent > office is not allowed to accept such inventions just to humour the applicant > for the costs involved can be considerable. I hope the Patent Office has been very nice to you. And in another article, "STAR1SHIP" wrote: > > It is not recommended or required that an atomic theory be included in any > patent applications for when science finds out what an atom looks like or how > it works then your patent can be rendered null and void. Then someone better hurry up and patent the New Atom before they discover it. > As a free and private citizen, I am not under the autority of International > Law. Since my invention must be fired in a vaccum to prevent it exploding at > any useful power level from atmospheric blockage of the exhaust port (similar > to air designed rockets exloding when fired under water). This would require > non government help in making my rocket in orbit unless high courts rule that > that the law covering atomic rockets does not extend to atomic engines as the > intent was to prevent atomic bombs atop rockets making an indefinite law > uneforceable. A useful feature to explode unavoidable meteors in my flight path > or hostile aliens of earth or elsewhere. Golly, you must have one heck of a spaceship if you can't even dodge silly old meteors. Even the USS Enterprise could do that just by tilting to the left. And in the next article: > > Opps hit the wrong button. Sir, jokes about the Challenger are in VERY poor taste. And in the next article: > > I would like to fax or email you the physical evidence I saw but I do not know > how to do that. This is some new version of the Patent Office's old "YOU MUST BE ABLE TO XEROX THIS SIGN TO PATENT A STARSHIP ENGINE", isn't it? Wait, does your starship have an engine? Or is your patent just on making it skinny and dent-proof? > Ideas are not patentable in fact the application will not even be accepted. My > application has be accepted and patent pending since 1988. Ah, that explains why I couldn't find it in the patent database I checked. They launched your prototype into space ten years ago and it never came back. > It is made on the two dimensions of paper by it's full disclosure as > required by patent law. My invention is real. THREE dimensions would be OVERKILL!!! TWO dimensions are REAL!!! By the way, which one of the three is the one that's not real? Are you the guy who kept putting those ads in "Man's Adventure" magazine in the fifties for "200 TWO-DIMENSIONAL TOYS, $1.98"? (And when they arrived, they looked just like the photograph in the ad!) > Should you have no real experience then you may rely on mine as stated in my > onsite transcript and resume which is much longer than yours or your teachers.. > > How do I know that without seeing the physical evidence of yours or your > teachers transcripts? > Educated guess. Curses! It matters not what education we have because you can always guess it as whatever you want! Well, I'll just have to go get an UNGUESSABLE EDUCATION to stump you! And in another sci.physics article, yadda yadda yadda, "STAR1SHIP" wrote: > > Because the patent office determined that my imvention had significant use for > NASA and utilized Radioactive material in accordence with DOE and Federal Codes > I had to declare again my property right on the back of their paper stating the > abovet. My rights remain today. How exactly do you keep the radiation from leaking out of the two-dimensional spaceship? > As I am an American Man standing on American Land in a Legitious Society. I > reserve my right to sue any one for any reason. I see, so you're an American and you're in a nation of one? You wished the other 249,999,999 Americans into the cornfield, didn't you? -- K. P.S. I see from your luxurious Web site that you're taking applications for Starship Commander #2. Can I be #2? I promise to use your faster-than-light two-dimensional Wonderbra spaceships only for good and never for evil. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food combinations; mind linked to cell communication Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:57:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor For reasons that can be understood only by those who are as smart as the King Of Science, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) told sci.med and sci.psychology.misc more details about his favorite foods: > > --- quoting a carton of RootMeister's history of root beer --- Call us back when a root beer manufacturer quotes you. In the pecking order of science, you rank somewhere below root beer cartons as an authority. > 1500 Native Americans share their root tea with Spanish explorers > > 1700 Settlers home brew root beers, yeast fermented, 1 to 2% alcohol > > 1800 Pharmacists commercialize root beers made with herbal extracts, > popularity surges > > 1950 Commercial root beer downturn.. artificial flavors replace root > extracts > > 1998 Journey Beverages revives historic varieties of true herbal > extract > root beer > --- end quote --- They seem to have forgotten the part about the big increase in business during Prohibition. Also, I think a few dozen other companies may have been making natural root beer before 1998. > My favorite is the Desert Sage Root Beer, very dark and robust, it has > sage and sassafras. I never knew that sage could be used for root beer > flavor. (Kibo pulls out a tiny notebook labelled "THINGS ARCHIE ADMITS NOT KNOWING" and makes a note. He puts it back on the shelf next to the fifty-volume set of "OTHER THINGS ARCHIE DOESN'T KNOW.") > Anyway, I need to explore the craving of foods to the chemistry of the > body connected with mind. > > Some food combinations are just "natural" such as cereal with milk, > spaghetti with sauce. You put milk, spaghetti, and sauce on your cereal? Eww! And I thought you were completely sane until you said that. > But I have built up combinations through the years. For instance I > need dijon mustard with hot dog or roast beef and I need a root beer or > cola with this combination. When I eat cherry pie I need a cold glass > of milk. And when you post to the science newsgroups you need an enema. > Somehow there is a coordination of body chemistry of a cell > communication and that of the mind in desire and cravings for food. Arch, have you ever considered taking a job at McDonalds? You'd be much more suited for that position than your current job as "King of Science", and I'm sure you'd be endlessly fascinated by the way the burgers change color from beige to gray as you grill 'em. -- K. Or you could try being one of those guys who punches a hole in your receipt when you leave BJ's Wholesale Club. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food combinations; mind linked to cell communication Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 09:04:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med and sci.psychology.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) continued the saga of what the King Of Science is eating under there: > > Today I had the Journey Ancient Cola drink along with sour dough rolls > and melted cheese with hot dog and dijon mustard with chicken noodle > soup and cheddar corn puffs. You had a cup of cola with sour dough rolls and melted cheese in it? Eww. By the way, I'm assuming that your cheezy corn puffs weren't "Smartfood" brand. > What I am looking for is a connection between craving of foods and > food combinations and the science behind it. What I am looking for is a connection between your posts and anything that anyone else anywhere in the Universe gives a damn about. EVERYONE DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING, ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM JUST DRANK A COLA!!!!! > From what I can make out at this point is that all craving for foods > is the body cells in mass-communication upon the brain to resupply > specific molecules or atoms that are depleting. So today, your body was running short on overpriced faux nautral gourmet cola and Cheezy Poofs? > So why combinations? Why do I crave root beer or cola with say hot > dogs or meats? Why do I crave say grape juice or red wine with > spaghetti? I think you're only supposed to use a hint of wine in the marinara sauce, NOT grape juice. What's next, you'll tell us you make Frankenberry omelets? > The answer I come up with is that cell communication to the > brain of what is depleted is so fine-tuned that it tells the brain what > combinations of foods neutralize the unwanted chemicals. For example, > the combination of root beer or cola with meats and dijon mustard and > cheddar corn puffs is that the sugars of the drink neutralize the salts > of the foodstuffs. I... see. So, chemically, the opposite of salt is sugar. You forgot these other axes: spicy vs. bland bitter vs. something that's like sweet but not sweet because you already used that one liquid vs. solid hot vs. cold nutritious vs. yummy low-quality vs. overpriced and food that goes "glop" vs. food that goes "crunch" vs. food that goes "thud". Personalitywise, I bet you're a "thud". > So the craving of combinations is the joint-massive > cell communication to the brain to balance out the foods eaten whilst > getting the chemicals depleted. Have you tried just not going to the bathroom so much? -- K. I apologize in advance if he starts posting his potty schedule to the science newsgroups. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:54:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) writes: > > > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) says: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > ... so with just ten of us here each posting ten articles > > > > a day it feels like 1991. > > > > > > NOT ANY MORE!!!!!!!!! > > > > > > -Matt McIrvin, proud Club 91 non-member > > > YOU CAN NO LONGER CENSOR MY VIEWS BY REVELING IN NOT READING THEM! Hey! You're not allowed to read the Club 91 membership roster to determine that you're not in Club 91! Go back to the other meeting room where Dungeons & Dragons & Math Club 92 is meeting! I hear that in the Dungeons & Dragons & Math Club 92, everyone gets to be Vice President. > > No, but we -can- not Invite you to the new Club we just found on the floor, > > I mean formed. Dave, don't let anyone know I told you this, but last night I actually set up a new secret club, with its own logo and its own Web site and stuff, and secret weekly activities that automatically change every week, but I can't let anyone join it yet because this club requires use of a secret new Web server which isn't available to the public, so you can only join the secret new club if you guess the URL, the port number, the password, and the point. That reminds me, I need to go back and add that thingie to the Web page that checks to see if your name begins with "Mc" and ends with "Irvin" and, if so, redirect you to the Dungeons & Dragons & Math Club 92 meeting in the Boston Public Library where Don Saklad forces all three members to follow Robert's Rules Of Order as well as Don's Rules Of Orbitz. > And your clubs are all icky because you don't allow gurlz. I was > pleased and excited to be called a "regular" by Kibo, though, which is > better than being called a "decaf" or a "worker bee-slash-drone". "STACIA WORKS IN CYBERSPACE B BACKSLASH DOT COM ALL DAY LONG..." GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! STACIA JUST HURT ME WITHOUT MEANING TO!!! > > Dave "Matt's cuter than Kibo because of the Red Beard. But he's taken, > > AvocadoLass. Or was when last we heard from him, anyway." DeLaney > > Who's taken? Because it would make a lot of difference to me. I call dibs on everyone who's not taken! I am calling the special secret version of Code Adam for grownups and so I can claim all the good-looking people before leaving this virtual WalMart! > I think I'm starting to see why people are trying to fix me and Nick and > beable and sometimes Alex S00ter up... because I'm acting pretty damn > desperate. But, as I said over dinner tonight, "I've never met a hornier > bunch of persons than the ones on ark." Fortunately, dinner was just with > me, the cats, and the Men of the Weather Channel fanfic. Fan-fiction about the Weather Channel? Wow. That's more pathetic than those "Space: 1999" fan-fics that explain what happened to Barry Morse between the two seasons, unless it fails to mention the phrase "killer soap suds". Which somehow I doubt. -- K. Then at the end they realize the soap suds were just trying to tell the Moon that it needed a bath! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:58:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > And your clubs are all icky because you don't allow gurlz. I was > > pleased and excited to be called a "regular" by Kibo, though, which is > > better than being called a "decaf" or a "worker bee-slash-drone". > > And since you're regular, you don't have to take the special > kibological laxatives, unless you really want to! Yay! > > [...] > > BUT I'M TAKING MY POTS WITH ME! SO I CAN BANG THEM TOGETHER WHILE I WAIT! Kibology is like a beautiful girl sitting on a toilet banging pots and pan together. Not that I am assuming the two of you must be beautiful. But I *know* you're sitting on the toilet as you read alt.religion.kibology. Then later you go back to vacuuming the rug in high heels and pearls. -- K. Then the six Brady kids plus Cousin Oliver run into the room and they all shout "NO MORE BACON!". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.toys.virtual-pets,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: FURBY (VOLUME) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 09:48:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.toys.virtual-pets, "Go4itu" (go4itu@aol.com) wrote: > > The volume lowered about 50% after the furby was next to a vacuum. NASA is working to rectify this so that the next "Toys In Space" program aboard the Space Shuttle isn't ruined like that last one where they paid the astronauts to spend two weeks playing with Tamagotchis around the clock in zero gravity to see if virtual pets will grow faster, but when the shuttle landed at the spaceport the metal detectors erased the Tamagotchis, wasting over fifty million taxpayer dollars. -- K. Help save the lives of toys in space! Stop paying your taxes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.toys.virtual-pets,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: furby makes continuous loud pitched sound????? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 09:52:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.toys.virtual-pets, "SKULLMILES" (skullmiles@aol.com) wrote: > > Would anyone out there know why our new Furby would make a loud pitched siren > sound, nonstop until you take the cover off the battery compartment? > Instructions don't mention this in their "troubleshooting" section. My Furby did this too, but I called up the toy company's consumer hotline and they told me that the infrared sensor in the Furby's forehead is a bozo detector. I covered it up with masking tape and the bozo alarm stopped. It still calls me bad names, though. -- K. Is it just me, or do Furbies seem to have all been designed to self-destruct a few days after Christmas? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: hey... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 01:16:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology, "duane wane" (duane@duane.com) wrote: > > i've never used, or even pretended to use, the internet before, Well, it's good that you've started pretending to use it now. > and i can't seem to delete a post. what good is that? i used to be able > to delete posts when i had co-sysop access to my friends WWiV bbs, But WWW is one letter better than WWV which is one Roman numeral better than WWIV, so WWW is TWO THINGS BETTER than WWiV PLUS A CAPITAL! > but now that i have my own copy of "outlook express" i can't delete a post? > what is that? That's because you don't have a WebTV. The WWiV BBS got renamed first to WWiTVBB when they went national and then to WebTV when Bill Gates bought 'em. > and how do i make macros with cool ansi colors and animation? > > this is not nearly as cool as a WWiV BBS. Oh, if only alt.religion.kibology could be just half as cool as the BBS your friend had in your basement. -- K. By the way, you're not fooling us, no REAL NEWBIE would post from their own domain name. SO QUIT PRETENDING TO BE A LOSER, YOU GENTLEMAN!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.archaeology,sci.engr,soc.history,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Hot water; the invention of Re: historical progression of every important invention; archeology's biggest research project Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 10:26:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.archaeology, sci.engr, and soc.history, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > In this chart of important inventions would be hot water. The > repeatable technology to produce hot water. It does not have to be > a-lot of hot water but only a flask full. I think hot water was > discovered early on in human history. And I'm sure that if you keep up with your research in your "laboratory" you might someday re-discover the recipe. > [...] Pour it over someone who likes hot water on them and soon you > have a pre-history industry of making hot water. It would suck to be Someone Who Loves Having Hot Water Poured Over Them before it was invented, wouldn't it? > An aside story in my own life related to the above. No... I don't believe it... I'm reading along in the middle of this article by Archimedes Plutonium, about cavemen making warm water, and what were the chances that Archie could turn the topic to himself? I am amazed by this stunning display of a non-sequitur disguises as a segue. And it allows us to further refine our model of Archie's typical missive: "Fire hot! Fire burns! blah blah blah blah I like mittens!" What makes Archie a super-genius is the "blah blah blah" part. > In my youth, my > father bought these beautiful blue Royal Copenhagen mugs. They were so > pretty you were scared to drink out of them for fear of breaking or > chipping them. No, I was scared to drink out of your mugs for fear of catching a communicable form of stupidity. > Later I got plastic pitchers and used those as mugs for > drinking or eating cereal. So let's see. Archie told rec.bicycles.tech that he likes to eat spaghetti out of paper cups, and now he's told sci.archaeology that he likes to eat cereal out of plastic pitchers. Let's start a betting pool. I'll put five dollars on him next telling the chess newsgroup that he likes to eat powdered sugar off of bicycle seats. > And then later in life I had a wood burning stove. You see, this article skips seamlessly from one completely irrelevant topic to another in the most nonchalant way possible! Only an absolute genius would be able to do that. I like Pez! > And the problem with that was neither porceloin or plastic were > appropriate but instead, metal cups were the ideal container. > > I am sure that the invention of hot-water did not have to wait until > the invention of metal water containers, but once metal water > containers were available the hot-water industry was boosted. I am so sick and tired of the hot-water industry's monopoly on piping hot water into our homes!!! We should be allowed to make it ourselves!!! -- K. Also supermarkets should sell frozen hot water for convenience!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.subgenius From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I'm colorblind and I date a 16-year-old girl! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 07:12:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > [ grrr. this is not getting posted. only reason I can > think of is that the one group I thought was unmoderated > was actually moderated. reposting a THIRD time, with > offending newsgroup snipped. it's probably not being > shown anymore. grrr. ] I think you can stop not posting it now. EVERYONE ELSE ALSO STOP NOT POSTING! WE NEED TO TAKE A HEAD COUNT! We didn't lose anyone when the alt.religion.kibology bus stopped at that gift shop connected to the casino, did we? > I actually *am* colorblind, but I don't date a 16-year-old > girl. the subject line is actually the plot of a movie I > recently saw on Showtime: "Color of Night", starring Bruce > Willis as Long Dong Silver, pornstar. So how come he got a seafood restaurant named after him and that guy who played Jeeves the butler in the thirties didn't? (Brian Chase will now explain the joke, unless it's between the Chase Limit and the McIrvin Limit, which is probably is, in which case Matt McIrvin will refuse to explain it. Also, he was in "Mary Poppins". Jeeves, not Matt. That movie would have sucked if Matt had been in it! Matt will now sing his parody of "Chim-Chiminey-Chim-Chim-Cheroo" in Dick Van Dyke's Cockney accent.) > I did not get the same safety valve while watching this > movie, the way I did with "Max Q*Bert"; I was at someone > else's house, so I couldn't grab the control and switch > to something else during the boring parts. You missed the chance to make a reference to the unreleased video game "FASTER MORE HARDER Q*BERT", in which this skanky female Q-Bertha kept trying to jump on Q*Bert and put the L-U-V on him. > and, of course, > there were no commercials. I missed the first part of > this glorious movie because we started watching "Midnight > in the Garden of Good and Evil", which I thought looked > pretty good, but it was too slow for everyone else. so, > we turned to Showtime to watch Bruce Willis in a pornfilm. Could have been worse. Two words: CYBILL SHEPHERD. Hey, have you ever seen her singin' and dancin' with Burt Reynolds, Madeleine Kahn, and Dulio del Prente in "At Long Lost Love"? That's the movie based on the song Cole Porter composed to take his mind off the pain when his horse fell on him and crushed both his legs, and it goes like this: "At long last... loooove... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHH!!!" Well, no, it doesn't, but he did write the song because his horse was sitting on his crushed legs. The song is a heartfelt expression of his excruciatedness, and the movie was the first one in about forty years to have actually filmed the actors singing the actual song while dancing (not dubbed from a studio session) so you get to see Cybill Shepherd ACTUALLY ATTEMPTING TO SING while she FAILS TO DANCE and Burt Reynolds is too drunk to care. If that's not enough to make you want to see it, it was directed by Peter Bogdanovich, the poor man's Alan Parker. > the first thing I saw was Scott Bakula, which is enough > to make a saner man scream "NOOOO!" and quantum leap out > of the room. Could be worse, could have been Scott Baiokula, the poor man's Alan Parker's Scott Baio. Matt McIrvin will now compose the ultimate Alan Parker song in which baby Scott Baio and baby Jodie Foster give a fifteen-gallon "splurge" enema to Matthew Broderick while Colm Meaney runs around naked shouting "OKAY, SO I LIKE TO FINGER MY BUTTHOLE, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME GAY!" There, I just made a callback to a true story by M. Otis Beard which had ten times the plot of the average Alan Parker movie. > Scott Bakula is a good *performer*, but a > terrible *actor*. I cannot figure out why middle-aged > women obsess over someone whose career consists of walking > onscreen and looking winsome. You forgot the time he had to wear a diaper because he turned into a chimpanzee on "Quantum Leap", or all the episodes where he went around in gigantic high heel shoes and everyone pretended he looked like a real woman and didn't giggle very much. Also you forgot the time he did that commercial. Okay, it _was_ just a commercial for "Quantum Leap", and it did feature Bakula rising out of a coffin, but he presumably wasn't responsible for the stupid writing in that commercial because NOBODY IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE STUPID WRITING IN COMMERCIALS! That's why America is so great: We have total freedom so we don't have to take responsibility for anything. Unless we think it's cool. America, the cool. > anyways, I wasn't disappointed with Scott Bakula being > in this movie, since he was immediately and brutally slain. > yaaay!!!! (he may have actually had a speaking role in > this film, but I missed it. see above.) > > turns out Bakula is a therapist, and so is Bruce Willis, > his best friend, who is a prime suspect in the murder > because Bruce now gets to stay in Scott's house. he also > gets to take over Scott's monday-night therapy group, > which is composed of five loonies, one of whom MUST BE > THE KILLER! OF COURSE! because... why? I have no idea. > the cop in the movie never explained why the killer had > to be a member of the monday group, and he turned out to > be WRONG, of course: in psychokiller movies, the person > everyone suspects of being the killer is always innocent. Unless Jon Voight plays Jim Phelps and acts all shift and Jon Voighty, and has "MOISTEN NEEDLE BEFORE INSERTING TAIWAN" tattooed above his bellybutton. Or if Ron Silver plays the guy who keeps telling you he's completely blind while h