Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: 1999. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 09:33:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'd just like to say that it's only been 1999 for four and a half hours but I have already concluded: 1999 FEELS ALL WRONG. -- K. It's like we've just entered a stretch of time that smells funny. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 1999. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 05:32:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > I'm not even going to MENTION the "Week Zero" bug that'll probably screw > > up fewer people that Y2K, but it'll hit 5 months earlier. [It affects > > cheap Global Positioning System receivers which break on Aug. 23, 1999.] > > As many have pointed out elsewhere, a major misconception about the whole > thing (and a contributor to the apocalyptic hysteria) is the idea that it > is *all* going to hit at once on 1/1/2000. Of course, the credit card > industry has already had to deal with expiration dates. I just want to know what they're going to do when they run out of those swirly little deformed letters they use to indicate what kind of card it is. After all, sooner or later there are going to be more than 26 kinds of credit cards, or someone else will want to issue a card which starts with "M", and they'll have to start coming up with new swirly letter "M"s and "V"s which people can tell from the old swirly letters. > Some systems had Year 1999 trouble on Friday; probably the most spectacular > failure had to do with, I think, taxi meters in Singapore. I think that at the end of New Year's Day, 2000, we need to compile a list of everything that broke and sort it from most important to funniest. I think Singaporean taxi meters would rank somewhere in the middle, unless they're delivering door-to-door durians ordered over the Web (you can do this in Singapore -- visit a Web page and send some durians to "your" home by taxi. I know that if I lived there people would send me a lot of 'em. Unless the people who do that get beaten by death by the police, which they probably do.) Anyway, after everything which is gonna break has broken, let's put it all in a big pile and laugh at it. -- K. My computer is so old that it breaks after 12:59! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 1999. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 23:41:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@2cowherd.com) wrote: > > > > I've always thought it was very thoughtful for technology to provide > > us with an actual reason to worry about the world ending in the year > > 2000. A lot of people were going to think so anyway, and now they have > > a nice excuse. > > I got this one completely wrong, even though I had read articles about the > year 2000 software problem about twenty years ago. I guess that until > recently, it seemed too esoteric a concern to filter its way down to your > basic apocalyptic nutters. Little did I know that they already thought > UPC tags were a sign that the Antichrist was a computer in Brussels. > > I predict that they are *already* pointing to the dawn of the "euro" > currency as a sign of the impending end of the world, deeply related to > the "Y2K bug," and I am going out on a limb here by not actually going in > the other room and checking cable TV to see if it's true. Also Sam is > watching some old Doctor Who episode and she's probably get mad at me. If you were to turn on the TV, and turn off your WebTV, you would see that CNN Headline News ("give us thirty minutes, and we'll waste your time") last week started an endless series (they're up to part 9, I think) on Y2K-readiness (tonight's installment is on how to stockpile toilet paper in case toilet paper stops working in 2000) and... not only are they airing one of these every night on their no-news "headline-format" show... BUT THEY ARE ALWAYS AIRING IT AS THE FIRST SEGMENT OF THE SHOW, BEFORE THE PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT DEVOTING TEN SECONDS TO EACH MAJOR WORLD EVENT. Ted Turner is investing a LOT of money in trying to scare people about Y2K. > My guess was that most people were going to be worried about the world > ending as a result of other people worrying about the world ending, much > as Nick posted recently. I'm just worried that these people will be so crazy that it really is impossible to get toilet paper because all the idiots are hoarding it. Also, they'll burn down all the observatories so that it'll never be dark again after Jupiter turns into a second sun which always stays on the Earth's dark side, just like Martin Landau always knew where the Moon's dark side was even though the Moon was no longer near any sort of sun. -- K. Remember the Jetsons episode where the kid walks over to the dark side of the Moon to change the film in his FUTURISTIC Brownie camera? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Content Advisory: This Site Contains Content. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 08:51:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Just for the HELL of it (HELL HELL HELL) I'm filling out the RSAC form for generating a kid-safe-ness rating for my Web site (www.kibo.com). This is my favorite question so far: > Moving through the list below in order from top to bottom, please click > the first button of the content descriptor that applies to your content. > Does your content portray: > > (v4) wanton, gratuitous violence No, because Spot only dies when he deserves it. > (v4) extreme blood and gore No, because Spot is too small to contain excess gore. > (v4) rape No, because nobody mentioned on my site has any sexual functionality, especially in Club 91. > (v3) blood and gore This would be a problematic question for the Red Cross if Al Gore ever visits Liz Dole while she's collecting blood. > (v3) intentional aggressive violence Naah, I only punched out all those people by accident. > (v3) death to human beings Death TO human beings? I'M GONNA KILL TO YOU!!! I'M GONNA PUT A KILL IN AN ENVELOPE AND MAIL IT TO YOU AND THEN YOU'LL TO DIE!!! > (v2) the destruction of realistic objects with an implied social presence This is the most fascinating question. Do I ever blow up any inanimate objects that are among our country's movers and shakers? > (v1) injury to human beings OW! THIS QUESTIONNAIRE GAVE ME A HEADACHE!!! > (v1) the death of non-human beings resulting from natural acts or accidents Well, I was about to choose that one, but I don't think any of Spot's hundreds of deaths has been from a _natural_ act. > (v1) damage to or disappearance of realistic objects? So when your crazy old uncle pulls a nickel out of your ear and makes it disappear, he's being violent against you, or against the nickel? Against Thomas Jefferson? > (v0) sports violence Like when Wile E. Coyote gets hit on the head with a bowling ball dropped from a Clarke orbit. > (v0) none of the above I SWEAR MY SITE IS EMPTY. KIDS ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO SEE EMPTY SITES AND/OR SPORTS VIOLENCE WHICH IS THE SAME THING. Anyway, because I'm fundamentally honest, I think that "(v1) the death of non-human beings resulting from natural acts or accidents" is probably the most relevant. They don't have a category for Spot, "(vx) God hates Spot." Also, in the language category, I picked "mild expletives" which is the same score as "non-sexual anatomical references", "mild terms for bodily functions", and -- believe it or not -- "slang". "slang" is language badness "L1", while "none of the above" is "L0"). I said there was no sex, not even kissing, on my Web site, because my Web site is so well-adjusted that it thinks that KISSING IS ICKY! Also, I said there was no frontal nudity. (I didn't count the picture of Animal 57, as it was wearing a glass aquarium.) So now they've given me my very own Platform Independent Content Selector: Gee, I don't see why I couldn't just have put a note on my site which says in actual English, "Warning! Spot gets crushed a lot. Ask your parents!" "Now Danny, remember, while surfing, don't look at any sites that have S greater than or equal to 2 and/or have a total of N plus S plus V plus L greater than or equal to 4 after factoring in the no-fudge factor." I should also point out that the N (nudity), S (sex), V (violence), and L (language) scales go from 0 to 4, so I expect we will start seeing porn sites labelling themselves "(n 10 s 10 v 10 l 11)" to attract perverts. Hell, I just said the word "porn". Waah, my PICS-Label is ruined!!! -- K. And how come there's no B (bozosity) category? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Disney Dollars Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:48:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, here's the new economic model for alt.religion.kibology: 1.) At any refreshment stand within alt.religion.kibology you may freely convert regular boring money into Kibology Dollars at a one-to-one exchange rate. 2.) Alt.religion.kibology closes for the weekend the moment you change your money to Kibology Dollars. 3.) Then you have to fly back to some stupid city that doesn't take Kibology Dollars. Thus, we can make money even at the 1:1 exchange rate, because you have to factor stupidity into the left and my genius into the right. -- K. Do Disney Dollars work in the slot machines at Disneyland? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Disturbing Commercial #9658. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 11:05:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Do you ever get the feeling that all the Ad Men decided about five years ago that TV commercials would only stick in our brains unless they had deliberately unintentional-seeming disturbing catchphrases? ("It's like toilet paper for your cat!") Today's example: The gaggle of ads for the American Family Publishers' Sweepstakes junk mail. These are TV commercials for junk mail that wants you to send back your form so that they can add you to the "THERE'S A LIVE ONE AT THIS ADDRESS" roster. (You know, like that junk E-mail that says "Send the word 'remove' to pleasespammesomemore.com to inform us that you personally read this spam.") Now, for years and years American Family Publishers' has used Ed McMahon's face (and also Dick Clark's in past years, just like TV's "TV's Super Bloopers And New Practical Jokes") on the envelope to remind old people that this junk mail is better than all the other sweepstakes junk mail (Reader's Digest, etc.) because it has a smiling old person on it, the way they put a smiling dog on dog food and a smiling baby on baby food. Do the ads say "Look for the envelope that has ED'S FACE on it!"? No, they say "WATCH FOR ED'S HEAD!" Okay, fine. So Ed McMahon and Jayne Mansfield and Isadora Duncan are zipping down the highway in their silver Spyder and they crash into Kelsey Grammer driving NBC's "Viper", and Ed is decapitated by one of the flying panes of glass from a late-eighties "Movie Of The Week" logo, then Ed's head bounces in through the front window of a split-level ranch home and lands in some little old lady's lap and she says, "WOW! I WON!" At least, that's what it makes me THINK will happen. Strike THINK, insert WISH. Also note that the graphic on the envelopes has Ed's head in the center of a dartboard! Poor Ed. He used to have such a dignified career, sitting twenty feet to the side of Johnny Carson while amusing himself quietly and occasionally acknowledging Johnny's existence. Now he's gone from holding up cans of Smiling Dog between Johnny's segments to being the smiling dog. -- K. Remember how in the fifties there was a kids' show that had the opening title painted on the top of Ed's head? I am not making this up. He was a clown back then. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fashion From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dryer Lint: 1999! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 08:19:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A couple months ago, I wrote: > > WHAT YOUR DRYER LINT SAYS ABOUT *Y*O*U*!*!*!* > > Bluish lint: You like blue clothes. Blue is the power color in your fashion > palette. Blue is one of your five favorite colors! > > Pinkish lint: You like red clothes. Red is the boss of your fashion > palette. Red is one of your three favorite colors! > > Grayish lint: You wash your underwear separately from your colored clothes, > and not often enough either. Okay, I now have a true story which is even more ribaldly wacky than that. I was doing my laundry today. Wait, that's not the part where you're supposed to point and laugh! Waah! Anyway, to fully appreciate this story, you have to understand that I live in a conapt* building where the floors are painted alternating colors to remind you that every once in a while one of the three elevators will let you out a floor too early or late. I live on an odd-numbered floor. Odd floors have puce doors and trim and carpet, with beige-flecked walls. (Puce is the technical term for a color which is to pink as brown mustard is to yellow. It's like pink plus gray plus vomit. It's about the color of a dead mouse's tail, and NOBODY LIKES PUCE, not even fashion designers.) Even-numbered floors have avocado doors and trim and carpet with very light green walls, the special shade which makes you think you've suffered a stroke because the whole world is tinted slightly greenish, the shade of pale green they used whenever they needed to make anything look silver on black and white film. Now, the basement counts as an even-numbered floor because it's floor -1 which is adjacent to floor 1 (because there is no year zero) so it has to have the opposite polarity to floor 1, hence, green, the evil even color and not puce, the evil odd color it deserves. The building's large and luxurious laundromat is in the basement, which means that to get to it I have to walk through a corridor whose shiny walls reflect a radioactive green glow on everything and scare the daylights out of me. I need to wear more sunglasses. So, the laundry room's interior features a table for sorting your socks, and this table, for reasons unknown to me, is the odd-floor shade of puce. (Apparently you can get furniture in this color even though everyone hates this color with a passion. It's the color of a Strawberry Pop Tart and a bowl of oatmeal that have been throw up together.) I was loading my damp clothes into the dryer (duh) and as I tried to clean the lint screen, it wasn't there. It took me a little while to find it... ...it was covered with a thick layer of puce lint and was sitting on the puce table. I could sort of make out its edges. So, I ask you this: (a) What sort of person has PUCE LINT? (b) What sort of person says "Wow, my clothes made lint exactly the same color as that ugly-ass table, I'm going to leave the lint screen on the table and not in the dryer across the room so that people can marvel at how much work I put into manufacturing this lint which exactly matches the puce table!"? (c) WHY PUCE? (d) And is the word "puce" just a remnant of the days when the Anglo-Saxons didn't have separate letters for "c" and "k"? -- K. I even took a photo of the puce lint on the puce table to prove I'm not crazy because you know nobody would retouch a photo of dryer lint, and nobody would photograph lint unless they were me. * Phil Dick used the word "conapt" at least twice per page. Apparently he thought "condo" and "apartment" were too meaningful to be allowed to be adjacent so he shoved them into Lewis Carroll's folding valise and then stood in the Letter People's Squoosh Box. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dryer Lint: 1999! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 06:40:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > (Puce is the technical term for a color which is to pink as brown > > > mustard is to yellow. It's like pink plus gray plus vomit. > > > It's about the color of a dead mouse's tail, and NOBODY LIKES PUCE, > > > not even fashion designers.) > > > > Puce was invented to match the color of squashed lice, back in the days > > before RID. Excuse me, but before we continue this post, we must pause, because there's a Mentos commercial on my TV. MENTOS BREAK! MENTOS BREAK! MENTOS BREAK! MENTOS BREAK! MENTOS BREAK! Now back to the squished lice and dead mice and other things nice. > It's the exact color of cat vomit, even when the cat has not been eating > dead mouse's tails. Ohhhhh. You must have one of those cats that DOESN'T produce the clear yet lumpy mucus splatters that you can't see until it's FAR TOO LATE. > Which reminds me: Our one cat keeps trying to bury the other cat's > vomit, by attempting to *dig in the wooden floor*. She cannot > understand why this does not work. Wait... "our one cat" implies you have exactly one cat... but you have "the other cat"... does not compute... ERROR! ERROR! NORMAN, CO-ORDINATE!!! I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO RESPOND TO INDETERMINATE NUMBERS OF CATS! HARRY MUDD CANNOT OWN ONE POINT SEVEN CATS EVEN IF HE IS AVERAGE! LOGIC IS A LITTLE CAT PUKING IN A TREE! ERROR! ERROR! > AWWWWWW! CATS ARE EVEN STUPIDER THAN KIBO SAID! If that sentence had been one word shorter you'd be dead now. -- K. Also, do you have the "HUK! HUK! HUK!" kind of cat or the "RRRRRRRRRRETCH!" kind? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dryer Lint: 1999! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:38:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, do you have the "HUK! HUK! HUK!" kind of cat or the > > "RRRRRRRRRRETCH!" kind? > > Our cat has this magical thing he does where he vomits forth and then begins > to walk backward, leaving a nice straight line of ick in his path. I think it would be funnier if the cat walked backward in a zigzag. Shaped like the United States of America! And then the United States of America would have to be shaped like a zigzag and the whole country would walk down stairs, alone or in pairs, and make a barfety sound. Occasionally I think about getting a cat, then I think about the endless stream of barf that spews from every one of their orifices, so I thank you people for reminding me that CATS ARE NOT AS CLEAN AS THEY WANT YOU ME THINK! "THEY", of course, are The Government. Because Clinton has a cat. AND THE TV NEWS NEVER TELLS US WHEN SOCKS THROWS UP ON THE JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER! IT'S A CONSPIRACY TO MAKE US THINK THE PRESIDENT'S CAT IS BETTER THAN NORMAL CATS JUST BECAUSE SOCKS GOT ELECTED AND YOU DIDN'T!!! STOP THE MEDICATION I WANNA GET OFF!!!!!! -- K. I'm watching the episode of "Wait 'Til Your Father Gets Home" with Special Guest Star Phyllis Diller as HERSELF. Eww. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dumbest Thing Said In A Bad Old Movie Today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 02:58:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, the movie is Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase -- two warning signs of bad movies from the eighties -- in "Spies Like Us", the one where they go to Russia and run around in their underwear and then save the world from the guy who wishes he were Sterling Hayden in "Dr. Strangelove". In their underwear, Dan and Chevy (who plays the stupid one, in case you couldn't tell) have just built their own transmitter to destruct the nuclear missile that's about to destroy the world. Elsewhere, the evil not-Sterling-Hayden general (Steve Forrest, best known for his role as one of "Mommie Dearest"'s husbands) sees the missile turn into a big red explosion symbol on his tracking screen, and on the screen it says that the missile blew up at "0300Z", "Z" being "Zulu", the secret military time zone which is exactly the same as Greenwich Mean Time. So, anyway, the screen says "0300Z". With me so far? The guy sitting at the console turns around and says, "Sir, the missile destructed at THREE THOUSAND HOURS ZULU." (Emphasis mine, stupidity his.) THE MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX IS CONCEALING THE LAST SIX HOURS OF THE DAY FROM US!!! Note that movies have people who have the job title of "Script Supervisor", people whose purpose in life it is to sit there and say, "No, you can't say 'thirty hundred', it says 'three thousand' here in the script." This reminds me of the time on "Star Trek" when William Shatner said, "..by installing a booster, we can increase that capability on the order of ONE TO THE FOURTH POWER." (It's in the episode "Court Martial", when they demonstrate that the computer can amplify heartbeats so much that they make everyone's ears hurt from the 1^4 power.) Note that "Star Trek" ran all their scripts through Kellam-DeForest Research to have their professionals point out all scientific inaccuracies. (Someday Gharlane will have to explain to us just why their fact-checking and legal clearance company happened to have exactly the same name as DeForest Kelley only spelled even more oddly.) So anyway, if movies and TV can do such stupid things with numbers, I think there's still hope that Archimedes Plutonium can get his movies made. -- K. HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM TIMES ONE TO THE YEAR 2000 POWER! [ APPLAUSE 2000 ] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: If you've been asleep at the wheel, READ WHAT YOU MISSED! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 07:20:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor For those of you who were just on Christmas vacation and your crummy Internet service provider keeps alt.religion.kibology articles for less than a week before purging them to make room for new ones, I've just created a mini-archive on my Web site where I'm placing batches of recent articles (by me) so that you can catch up on what you missed. The articles are batched up every six days or so into huge text files. http://www.kibo.com/rawdata Those of you who have been reading everything I say need not look there, but for those of you who have been too careless to read alt.religion.kibology every single day, or who have flaky newsfeeds, or whose news servers have been overwhelmed by rogue cancel attacks, etc., should find this useful. SHOULD? Heck, you WILL find it useful, it's MANDATORY THAT YOU FIND IT USEFUL! Now go force yourself to consider me useful! -- K. Also this means my main page gets another rainbow stripe which counts towards my Kibology Merit Badge! From the Navy Seals! I was going to join the Green Berets instead but I found out they're part of the Girl Scouts. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: JESUS H. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 06:42:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "It's like toilet paper for your cat!" -- TV commercial Please tell me I don't have to review this for my Web site. -- K. Also the commercial has Standard Cat Meow #1 (1979) in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: JESUS H. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 12:16:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also the commercial has Standard Cat Meow #1 (1979) in it. > > "Who is Kibo?" > > "Kibo can enumerate meows." > > "Cooooool." Also, unlike Catholicism, Kibology allows for cardinalization of meows. That gal with the big gun will now shoot you before you can say something confusing 'ordinal' and 'ordination'. -- K. Nobody ever shoots me, because I'm Kibo! And if nobody ever shoots you, it's because you're NOT Kibo! And everyone shoots Chevy Chase! I hope. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Man Of The Year, 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 11:18:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just realized that I don't know who Time magazine's Man Of The Year 1998 is, nor do I care. I lost all faith in them when they started having non- people as the Man Of The Year, like in the early eighties when computers were invented and the Man Of The Year was "The Computer", or in the mid-eighties when it was "The Woman" during that year when women became equal to men. I suppose this year they could pick an actual newsmaker, and not a capitalized common noun, as the Man Of The Year. They could go with Bill Clinton or Monica Lewinsky or Bill Gates or Furby, but in all four cases they'd have to print that little box they have whenever they select someone other than Mother Theresa, "The Man Of The Year is selected to represent the person who was in the news the most, not someone anyone likes. In 1938, we picked HITLER!!! And we still don't admit we ever liked him!!!" But I do know that next year they'll have a non-person on the cover, because the 1999 Man Of The Year is going to be "The Y2K Bug". And they'll have a cover illustration of this big preying mantis made out of semicircles cut out of ridged construction paper with a big scary human mouth pasted on. I like that the Y2K bug accounts for about 20% of all TV news now because it's fascinating that we finally have a major news story that is actually (a) content free AND (b) has no visuals at the same time. They're supposed to either pick a non-story that has pictures (an apple much like THESE ONES AT YOUR LOCAL SUPERMARKET might have once had Alar on it!) or a real story that doesn't have pictures (there's a BUDGET PROBLEM SOMEWHERE IN THE GOVERNMENT!) but it's so much fun to watch them tackling something paranoid without the substance or the visuals to merit so much air time. Plus, it's a technical computer-related story, so it's even more fun watching the anchors trying to say words like "ROM BIOS". Given that the TV news hasn't yet discovered the potential of "A COUPLE OF WACKOS SAY THE MILLENNIUM ACTUALLY STARTS IN 2001, NOT 2000, BECAUSE THE FIRST CENTURY WAS 1 TO 100!" stories yet, when they make a token attempt at this AFTER the enormous party on December 31, 1999 everyone will laugh. But of course they'll do that anyway because everyone knows the millennium is determined by whenever all the computers in the world explode. And I stand by my assertion: Anyone who says the 20th century is the years 1901-2000, not 1900-1999, is going to be called A CRAZY PERSON, especially on TV. TV ALWAYS MAKES SANE PEOPLE SEEM EVEN CRAZIER THAN BOZOS THINK THEY ARE!! -- K. Has anyone proposed putting all the Government's computers on an airplane and flying them all west around the world for twenty-four hours so that they can stay ahead of midnight the whole way and just skip January 1? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Man Of The Year, 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:48:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just wrote: > > [...] next year [Time will] have a non-person on the cover, > because the 1999 Man Of The Year is going to be "The Y2K Bug". CNN Headline News (aka Time magazine) just told me that Lake Superior State University has published a list of "banished" words which is topped with "Y2K". I think we should set up a special island with razor-wire around it where all the banished words can live normal lives as far away from me as possible. We can send Y2K there with so many others, and soon. Just let me keep my "doidy". -- K. Meanwhile, Lake Inferior State University just renamed their football team "The Y2Ks". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "seaQuest" Cap Gets Me Noticed -- Part 2 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 10:15:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.tv.seaquest, Leigh Hanlon (lthanlon@enteract.com) wrote: > > Last night, I was walking through the parking lot at my friendly > neighborhood Osco Drug when an older woman approached me, pointed at my > "seaQuest" cap with no small amount of anger and began *screaming* at me in > an Eastern European language (probably Polish). > > I'm wondering: Did the Nazis use a blue triangle to identify any group > placed in concentration camps? No, but Hitler did have an elite troop of commandos called "The SeaQuest Brigade" (usually called "the SQ") whose insignia was a hammerhead shark swimming through a blue swastika. This woman probably just mistook you for an evil person because you like "seaQuest". -- K. The reverse happens to me all the time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.dreams.lucid,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: #80 The End Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:10:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.dreams.lucid, "Mauvey" (twodar@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > When I use the United States Flag as a Symbol to calculate > a "lie" percentage, I come up with the following % figure: If 9-1/2 > people are lied to, that would make 95% were told lies. And the person who told the half a person a whole lie was a Kibologist. By the way, did you ever figure out who was behind all those blockers and nitches? I tried to look out my window for blockers and nitches but all I saw was this huge opaque rectangle covering the whole sky, with some little cubbyholes in it. So I didn't see any blockers or nitches. > By October 1996, I evaluated all the lies that were said to me. > The words of a person who I would call "A Drug Specialist" were: > "Medicine is a game!" IT SURE AIN'T BRAIN SURGERY!!! > There was also an aura speaking: "I make more money > withholding effective medicines. My Job is to cut my Mother's > throat. Sorry, honey, but I win...you lost!" You know, you would be no fun at all on "The Newlywed Game". And I can just imagine that if I ever go to Hell, you will be my celebrity partner on "Password". "Blockers..." > To me the man was saying: "Iam Goddamn, Goddamn Iam > The Prince of Lies. I sit Second to God, and God knows exactly > who I am." > I live in an Era where a person's simple search for Truth can > turn into a modern-day venture like looking for the Holy Grail. > If I can not find Truth here, I know that I could always travel > to the Heavens. > I prayed with both hands to go where the Devil's brigade and > the Angels meet. Yes, to go inside Heaven's Gate where GOD > cups his hands and caress us all. But only if you're wearing black Nikes with the white swoosh. > So, I again prepared for another trip. I gathered a curse to fill one > hand (which could already be someone else's prayer). "May you die > the way you murder," and in the other I carried a prayer (that could > be someone else's curse). "May your lies be like tattoos and printed > all over your body." Cool! That means that Kurt Vonnegut has the Star Spangled Banner printed all over his flabby old butt! > In a finger snap, I was there standing before His Magnificence. > The Big Man, the Lord Himself, stood ten feet before me. > God looked at me and asked, "Where's the White Horse?" > "Oh," I briefly pondered and remembered the White Horse. > The Lord had given me a White Horse and said: "Should you > get off the White Horse for any reason, it will be your DOOM. > You'll not come back a thief twice." > Quickly, I replied, "I didn't get off the White Horse. It disappeared. > It was stolen. The Death Rider has it now." I clearly remembered > the day that the mount disappeared. I had placed my ear to the > ground and I could feel the vibrations of the horse's hoofs as the > rider approached. I could hear the approaching Rider say: "You > lost the cold war. You lost the cold war." > I quickly explained: "When DEATH appeared, it came like a herd > of speeding, stampeding horses and ran over my counterpart. > My poor soul mate lay there almost dead. There was only a > tiny spark of life. I could see by the dust cloud that the herd had > circled and was now waiting on the high hill to the right. They were > waiting to stampede again." > God said, "So." > I couldn't understand what God was saying when He Spoke. So? (By the way, it's a bad sign when you talk to God and He flips you off.) > HIS words placed me beside myself. "So," I blurted. "So, is > something that I would expect from a mere mortal. Certainly, not > from the likes of YOU." Again I pointed to the horses standing > on the high hill and asked, "Don't you see those horses?" > God lifted his arm. By each horse appeared a standing soldier. > Each soldier was holding a horse's mane high. Both a horse and > a soldier stood at the top of the hill to which I was pointing. > God turned to me, saying, "I'll give you the Brown Ass." EE-YADDA-DADDA, DADDA-DADDA-DADDA, DEE-YADDA-DADDA-DADDA, EE-YADDA-DADDA-DADDA, I'LL GIVE YOU THE BROWN ASS, NOWWWWW ONNNN SAAAAALE AAAAAT SEARS!!!! > I shrugged my shoulders, and God pointed to the Angels asking, > "How do the Angels sing?" The Angels all clothed in white had > gathered, "Sing soft sweet and low." Again God asked: "Where > do the Angels go?" Again the Angels harmonized, "To Truth > what do you think Jesus was all about?" > Then God slightly moved his hand backward, and the hill became > a full circle. I saw many horses standing at the top of the full circle, > but I woke before I saw if each standing horse had a soldier. Never mind that, what color were their asses? -- K. And stop making fun of Roy Scheider! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: amputation on mtv Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 07:31:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In rec.arts.bodyart, "bu ter" wrote: > > im guessing most people here probably dont care much for marilyn manson but > have you seen the perfectly cut arm amputation on his new video "i dont like > the drugs" looks almost real other than the facts that its flat on the end > of arm instead of a stub and there was no blood during the procedure. thats > all just thought id share a little info with ya. So other than the fact that the amputation was cut wrong and didn't bleed and Mr. Manson still has two arms, how did you enjoy the show, Mrs. Lincoln? -- K. I read these messages so you don't have to. Then I show 'em all to you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: amputation on mtv Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 02:45:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor jspencer@my-dejanews.com, whose Real Name was so short it fell out between the pixels of my screen, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I read these messages so you don't have to. Then I show 'em all to you. > > You are being too good to us. STOP IT. From now on, for every good > thing you do for us, you have to do one bad thing for us. To balance > this post, you have to stand on top of a WebTV, and sing the star spangled > banner while eating a bowl of Lucky Charms with NO MILK. Waah! I ate a whole box of them without milk a couple weeks ago but it doesn't count because I didn't have to be mean to you then! All I have now is a big box of Cheerios which I've been eating with no milk! And no spoon! Also, I tried to stand on a WebTV, but my Furby was on top of it and I didn't want to be mean to Furby because... um... oh, hell with it! STOMP STOMP STOMP!!!! -- K. CNN Headline News is now telling me that "home computer users should take precautions, too" for The Y2K Bug. He emphasized that although Mac OS, "Linux, and UNIX" are Y2K-ready, we'll have to wait until 2000 to be REALLY SURE!! DON'T PLAY WITH YOUR CLOCK, KIDS! YOU COULD MAKE YOUR COMPUTER EXPLODE EARLY OR ACCIDENTALLY DIAL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Are Sea-Monkeys a virtual pet? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 09:40:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.toys.virtual-pets, "H. D. Diddle" (h.d.diddle@worldnet.att.net) advertised where nobody asked: > > Are Sea-Monkeys a virtual pet, a real live pet, or a huge hoax? I think they're obviously a TINY hoax. Besides, they're sold through the backs of comic books right next to things like "X-Ray Spex". Man, what kind of moron invented those? He must have thought we'd buy anything. Now, "Sea-Monkeys" -- microscopic shrimp sold in an envelope -- thinking of selling that was brilliant. The inventor of Sea-Monkeys must be about a million times smarter than the X-Ray Spex guy! > Find out at Sea-Monkey Central > > http://www.sea-monkey.com/ Ah, a Web site that rises to the level of the back page of a comic book. A Web business reselling Sea-Monkey kits. (Even the guys who actually manufacture Sea-Monkeys don't try this hard.) What's next, Web sites filled with Marvel characters eating Hostess Fruit Pies? -- K. P.S. I am jealous that someone else thought of http://www.fortunecity.com/bennyhills/idle/104/hostess.htm ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:13:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Go to www.kibo.com and look under "Download Big Files", and I should point > > out that 1997 Volume 1 (ark1997a.pdf) is a big file. It's about fourteen > > megabytes. As always, Adobe Acrobat Reader version 3 (or later) is > > required to read it. > > After downloading this monster, finding that it didn't read very well with > version 2.1 of Acrobat, downloading a version 3.0 of Acrobat, paging > through ALL of the Desi Arnaz I could ever want, frog pornography, and > mannequinner torture, I noted that the following pages had some photo > problems: pgs 5, 79, 155, 163, 209, and 270. Now all the pictures in the > index over on the side were fine, but the big pictures on these pages had > a varying degree of problems. Did I not get a clean download or did > anyone else notice anything funny? Besides the posts that is. Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, just because it says your six favorite photos are corrupt but not the pornography section. My original assertion that this is all due to Dean's clumsy oafishness still stands, although I have managed to replicate the exact problem (it saying something about an unexpected end of picture on page 5 and Martin Landau coming out bright blue) on two computers. I am currently developing a theory as to how Dean's oafish clumsiness is breaking all our computers. Also, I'm re-uploading the file now just in case for some reason six cosmic rays changed one bit in each of the six pictures without altering the file's overall checksum to make Acrobat complain that it's corrupt while somehow also magically changing the corresponding bits in my FTP server to make my computer think the file has uploaded correctly. (Do not attempt to download the book until about 7 A.M. Eastern time because I am about to swap the old and new copies.) Anyway, my apologies to Dean about him being a clumsy oaf. Dean, I am sorry that you are a clumsy oaf. Also, your fingerprints are non-kosher 'cause you're so ham-fisted. Now stop screwing up my computer! How am I supposed to write a story about a stupid dead dog named Snuggles when you keep screwing up my computer, Scoob ol' buddy ol' pal? -- K. I'll bet you a dollar the re-uploaded clean copy has the same problems on page 5 even though it STILL uploads and downloads fine on MY computer. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:31:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor All right, I've re-uploaded the 343-page 1997 "A" alt.religion.kibology volume, and after uploading all 13.7 megabytes (which may be more or less depending on whether you computer thinks a megabyte is 1000x1000 or 1000x1024 or 1024x1024) and then downloading them all again it worked absolutely fine for me, page 5 shows Martin Landau with a healthy pink halftone and not fluorescent blue skin of death. So please let me know if your Martin Landau is still a funny color on page 5. Please burn all existing copies and download the new version and if Martin Landau is still blue, well, that'll be HIS problem from now on. To download the book with your Web browser, go to: http://www.kibo.com/kiboarch/ (PLEASE read the instructions at the top of the page! Save the file to disk rather that trying to look at it within the Web browser, because most Web browsers have trouble viewing 13.7-megabyte documents directly from the Web.) Or, to download via FTP (if you don't trust your Web browser with PDFs): ftp://ftp.std.com/pub/alt.religion.kibology/ark1997a.pdf (PLEASE set your FTP to binary mode!) (And in both cases, you MUST MUST MUST use Acrobat Reader version 3, version 2 will NEVER EVER NEVER NAIVER NURVER NOOVER work!) -- K. For extra credit, find (a) the secret Masonic power word and (b) the word that blows up the whole Universe hidden in the book. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 12:13:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor This is technically very weird. After successfully re-uploading the book, I did a hexadecimal dump ('od -x') of both copies and compared them ('diff'). (Interestingly, each of the two 'od -x' commands took far longer than 'diff' on this big computer. The two hex dumps were 86 megabytes total.) The comparison shows that three changes happened, in a very peculiar pattern: kibo@world /usr/tmp/k 7 Semprini> diff new old | more 35950,35951c35950,35951 < 2143420 25c8 addf 4c62 09b3 6be7 0b19 7453 7b7e < 2143440 9ed6 7d76 82f5 8a27 1783 f3fb 6e3c 105c --- > 2143420 25c8 addf 4c62 09b3 6be7 0b19 7453 0000 > 2143440 0001 7d76 82f5 8a27 1783 f3fb 6e3c 105c 42162,42163c42162,42163 < 2445520 0064 90a0 8149 c185 b744 b363 6eeb 48ce < 2445540 77fe 5226 d5be 3528 85f0 1778 90bc 7350 --- > 2445520 0064 90a0 8149 c185 b744 b363 6eeb 0000 > 2445540 0001 5226 d5be 3528 85f0 1778 90bc 7350 131694,131695c131694,131695 < 0023420 5a8e 52fa a6d5 91ef f14a 11d1 9a4b fa99 < 0023440 b0b9 4eb5 98fe 7551 2830 bfb6 6d75 ad50 --- > 0023420 5a8e 52fa a6d5 91ef f14a 11d1 9a4b 0000 > 0023440 0001 4eb5 98fe 7551 2830 bfb6 6d75 ad50 I.e. in three cases a longword got set to '0000 0001' at an address of xxxxxx3E. I did the two uploads exactly the same way both times. I suspect the bug's some weird flaky Open Transport thing at my end because if it was in the FTP server here people would have noticed long ago. Anyway, those of you who have copies of the corrupt book with the blue Martin Landau can apply the three patches shown above to fix it. -- K. I can see people in 2098: "For sale, INCREDIBLY RARE alt.religion.kibology book with BLUE MARTIN LANDAU, asking $5 or BEST OFFER!!!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 02:36:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This is technically very weird. > > You know, if there is a news report that Martin Landeau is found > dead of suffocation, skin or regular? If it's skin suffocation, look for that "Bluefinger" guy from a late "Get Smart" episode when they were running out of ideas and Max and 99 got married and had twins. That show was the biggest ripoff of "Moonlighting" ever, including "Small Wonder"! > I think we'll all know who to blame. Bob Hope, for endorsing Ron Popeil's Seal-A-Landau. > How much will you pay us to keep YOUR TERRIBLE SECRET????? I just like how in 1984 everyone had to read "1984" in school a million times and they made a bad movie of "1984" and everyone was talking about "1984", and in 2001 everyone will have to watch "2001" and read the potboiler novelization of "2001" and they'll make a sequel to "2001" titled "2001: 2001", but even though it's 1999 _right_ _now_ the Sci-Fi Channel _still_ won't show "Space: 1999"! They took it away a year or two ago and now we won't get to watch Martin Landau blowing up the Moon THE SAME DAY IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS!! Anyway, I've already started planning the big alt.religion.kibology Sept. '99 party, and I'm hoping that I can lure Martin Landau away from appearing alongside Barbara Bain at that big Los Angeles "Space: 1999" reunion the same day. I'm sure I can match their offer because I'm sure he's doing it for free, it's not like it would take much money to get Martin Landau to put on his old "Space: 1999" uniform and pretend to be friends with Barbara Bain and answer questions from lots of fanboys or anything. Also, it's too bad he never won an Oscar! -- K. And it's three bad that I didn't win two Oscars! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 00:58:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > > > I think we'll all know who to blame. > > > > Bob Hope, for endorsing Ron Popeil's Seal-A-Landau. > > This would indicate to me that you, Kibo, are actually Bob Hope, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... (Kibo runs off to the horizon and moments later returns from the other horizon) ...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! You're mean! Especially since you made me run across the Pacific Ocean, and I lost my wallet in China. > and since the mention-a-celeberty-and-they-will-die thing only > works when you DON'T do it on purpose, your wishing that Bob Hope > would die is all part of your evil plot to LIVE FOREVER ON THE > BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT. The first time I read that it said "LIVE FOREVER ON THE BLOOD OF THE INTERNET", and I thought, yeah, that's what I'm doing. But it's not what you said, so now I get to push the special button which makes the Internet's trap door open up and drop you into a bottomless pit three-quarters filled with a mixture of snapping turtles and cooties! The real kind, not the highly entertaining Milton Bradley kind. > People, we've been duped! Kibo, quit duping already, you mean thing! WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL THEM DUPES? I'll stop as soon as all the scientists of the world stop with their fudgery. I AM SICK OF FUDGE! I WANT THEM TO MAKE RASPBERRY STUFF! -- K. RASPBERRY FUDGE IS NOT AN OPTION! I'LL DRINK RASPBERRY SHAMPOO IF I HAVE TO! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: big suck theory Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 10:19:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net commented insightfully on Alexander Abian's "Big Suck" theory: > > I like partly some ideas of Abian. Every time Abian posts one of his long theses, I am forced to agree that, yes, I also like part of it. The part of his theories I like the best is always THE END! > The laws of science are part of the laws > of God. The laws of God apply to people and particles. Opposites attract > like girls and boys. A person who tries to get every thing and does not do > any thing for people can become like a black hole. A lot of not normal > things happen to a black hole kind of like dishonest people. Most people do > not want to run into a black hole and most people do not want to run into > mean people. A lot of people like power and they like to use power. But if > a person uses power they will lose power to conserve energy and momentum. Yes, people are just like black holes. If a black hole attracts a star, the black hole has to be the opposite gender of the star. But two black holes will attract each other. Doesn't this mean that your theory proves that ALL BLACK HOLES ARE GAY? Or at least very drunk? -- K. P.S. I like part of your theory too and I want to give it part of a hug. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Burger King Van Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 08:46:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Aaron A. (DoctorAaron@webtv.net) wrote: > > There is a house not too far from my own which has, for as long as I can > remember, had a Burger King van parked in front. It has a big BK logo > on the side, captioned by the words, "Serving the finest people in the > world "ALASKANS"*." It was there when I moved in 4 1/2 years ago, and > has never moved so far as I can tell. I pass the house at least four > times a day, and it has never failed to be right there. > > *Yes, that is an extraneous set of quotation marks, plus the word > 'Alaskans,' or rather, 'ALASKANS,' is on a 30 degree upward slant, as > opposed to the rest of the phrase, which is nice and horizontal and > tidy-looking. > > [...] > > Does anybody have a clue what the hell is going on here? One WebTV owner knows how quote marks work. This scares me more than the news that Burger King is serving Alaskans to the best people in the world. SOYLENT WHOPPERS ARE ALASKANS!!! -- K. I think we should kick Alaska out of the U.S. and make Animal 57 a state. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cooties Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 23:59:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) crabbed: > > > > I'm sorry, but I find that extremely offensive. NOBODY has ownership > > over what is funny in this group, NOBODY dictates the "standards" to > > which we are supposed to "live up". > > to quote from an earlier Kibo article: > > "you MUST understand that, by definition, Kibo gets all > jokes that nobody else gets." > > since jokes are only funny if you get them, this means that > Kibo only gets jokes that aren't funny! > > and since I am mailing Kibo jokes that nobody else gets, this > must mean that I am *not* mailing him jokes that are funny! > which means I am keeping them! which means that I *own* them, > bwana! > > I hereby announce that I am holding HUMOR HOSTAGE until the > entire assembled wiseacres of ARK kowtow to my ur-hair!!! You're confusing Zippy's joke about releasing the Hostesses (and/or his joke about "Chostages" with the swirly icing blindfold) with Good Humor. I realize this is easy to do, given that neither is an actual food product, but here is a handy chart to allow you to tell Good Humor from unfunny humor from Hostesses from hostages: GOOD HUMOR -- Frozen white sludge dipped in brown chitin. LAME HUMOR -- Comedy in list format. HOSTESS -- Makers of brown sponges injected with white sludge which contains no real ingredients and cannot legally be called "creamy" or even "kremey" or "kree-mee" but must instead be legally called "yuk". HOSTAGES -- People who are tied to their computer and forced to post to alt.religion.kibology just to amuse me. Then, in an adjacent message, David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re David Pacheco's burnout rant] > > > > David! You used to be funny. > > WAAAAH! I'm no longer in the "blue" level of Kibo's scorefile! I've > probably fallen to Urine Yellow level, so now whenever he sees one of my > posts Kibo says "Hey David, YOU'RE IN YELLOW!" and then he *PLONKS* me! > With his foot! Naah, you're still blue because I didn't remove you from my scorefile because I figured it didn't matter because you said you were leaving, you filthy liar! I don't care if I begged you to stay, the fact that you actually did makes you a FILTHY FILTHY LIAR and so now I want you to GO! > KIBO'S SCOREFILE COLOUR SCHEME: > > Green: Posts by Kibo > Blue: Posts by the people sitting at the cool table > Brown: Followups to posts not by Kibo, but referring to posts that he > may or may not have once thought about writing in an alternate Universe. > Orange: Posts about Ireland > Violet: posts to Usenet, but not the one on the Internet > Flashing neon pink: posts by Archi Pu > Grey: LOSERS! > Black: the new grey for this year's fashion season > Urine Yellow: Posts by David > Ultraviolet: Posts by John Grubor > X-Ray: Posts submitted on a WebTV=A0=A0=A0=A0=A0=A0=A0=A0=A0=A0 > Black hole: posts that contain all posts that quote themselves in their > entirety Yes, except that Urine Yellow sorts below all the other levels, except for Black hole, which sorts below Black hole. Also, in reality, Brown Level trumps Blue Level because responding to me is more important than being a good person. > > GET YOUR FILTHY FRICKIN HANDS OFF MY MANTLE! IT'S HARD TO GET NOUGAT OUT > > OF NATURAL PURPLE ERMINE! > > Try a little soda water on that. Or some anti-nougat. I like how "soda" becomes "pop" or "tonic" in different parts of the world (in Boston, different supermarkets use all three) but "soda water" can't be referred to as "pop water", which is a cryin' shame. > > > [David] > > > > > > Now it appears that the self-appointed "net-cops" and "standards > > > committees" hold sway, silently rating everything that is posted, and > > > assigning degrees of funniness and coolness to all who dare press the > > > brightly coloured "POST" button. > > > > [Kibo] > > > > You use a newsreader with a COLOR "post" button? > > [David] > > No, I use a COMPUTER with a big color foam rubber "POST" button. AND it > has a Fisher Price big wheel with the pictures of all the Kibologists on > the front, and when you point the arrow at them and pull the string it > makes the sound the REAL Kibologists would make if they were made out of > plastic and encased in a cheap disposable Fisher Price string-powered toy! Wait... I *am* encased in a plastic string-powered toy. STOP MAKING FUN OF ME! I CAN'T HELP IT IF I'M TOTALLY PATHETIC IN EVERY WAY! DROOL, DROOL!!!!!! <-- VERY LOUD DROOLING > It goes "RRRRRRRR-WWWHHHZZZZZZZ-ZZZZGGRGGGGGRGGGG-SHLURP-SHLURP- > BOING!!". I think it's broken. Or maybe that's EXACTLY RIGHT! KILL MOMMY! KILL MOMMY! (That was what some doll in the 1980s was reported to be saying; apparently it was just that the Spanish-language dolls, which said "Quero mami!" got mixed up with the English-language ones, although the company press-released some really bizarre "explanations" such as "low batteries make it talk slow". Currently, a parallel story is going around that Furbies are shouting "FAGGOT! FAGGOT!". Apparently one of the sensors in Furby's forehead can detect latent gayness in children! So give your kids a Furby to keep them from turning gay.) -- K. I think Bee In A Balloon is more fun than Furby In A Balloon. Unless Furbies also have an air sensor so they can suffocate. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fashion,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do you alternate deoderants? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 01:21:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.fashion, "COMMISSIONER PAUL E" (BigDaddyDrool@webtv.net) wrote: > > --WebTV-Mail-229774133-295 > Content-Type: Text/Plain; Charset=US-ASCII > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > Do you alternate deoderants regularly? If so, what brands do you switch > around with? > > cpe Like most people here, I use Right Guard only on my right arm, then the next day I use the other kind only on my left arm. Except sometimes I forget to put on either kind for months at a time. > --WebTV-Mail-229774133-295 > Content-Description: signature > Content-Disposition: Inline > Content-Type: Text/HTML; Charset=US-ASCII > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > >
href="http://209.240.131.195/paule.html"> src="http://esw-prowrestling.com/Commish.JPG">
"Hey > Bro'! Spare a Quarter? > Spare a Cigarette?" > BIG DADDY DROOL! COMMISSIONER PAUL E of the href="http://209.240.131.195">E.S.W.
src="http://esw-prowrestling.com/paultheme.wav"> > > > --WebTV-Mail-229774133-295-- I wonder what kind of deodorant professional wrestlers don't use... -- K. Pro wrestling and WebTV are observed to have a high degree of correlation. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dr. Scott, UHF 68, Los Angeles, Saturday 11pm Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 23:27:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Does it bother anyone else that while the Cartoon Network has "The Tex Avery > > Show", consisting entirely of classic cartoons by Tex Avery, a local re-run > > channel has "The Wacky World Of Tex Avery", a very badly-animated *new* > > cartoon featuring characters he never drew performing poorly-drawn under- > > animated unfunny non-actions? > > Yes. Does it also bother anyone else that when Tex Avery did "The House Of Tomorrow" and "The Farm Of Tomorrow" and "The Car Of Tomorrow" and my personal favorite, "TV Of Tomorrow" (I covet that asymmetrical red TV in the last scene that receives pictures from Mars) he never bothered doing "Cartoons Of Tomorrow"? > > One of the characters is named "Tex Avery", > > so apparently that's the connection, at least in their minds... THEIR WACKY > > MIND OF NOT TEX AVERY. > > I think that they were trying to get as close to Tex Avery's actual style > as you can get with limited animation, no drawing skill, no humor, and > modern Saturday morning content restrictions. For those of you who aren't professional animations, allow me to demonstrate the difference between full animation and limited animation. FULL ANIMATION: (Bugs Bunny steps on a banana peel and flails his arms and twists his entire body madly as he bounces around the screen in perspective while rotating and his chest goes up and down as he breathes and his ears flop around and every time he moves any of his muscles it affects all his other muscles realistically because he is completely drawn anew in every single frame. He falls on his butt and several stars smoothly orbit his head in three dimensions, and all the stars are different and have their own personalities and do different wacky things.) LIMITED ANIMATION: (Yogi Bear walks across the screen, represented by his legs blinking on and off rhythmically, one-two-one-two-ad-infinitum. His legs are a slightly different color than the rest of his body, which is completely sessile, except that his eyes periodically flicker to indicate winking. All this occurs "on twos", meaning it twenve frames per second. He walks off the right edge of the screen, then we hear him yell "OH NO, I JUST STEPPED ON A BANANA PEEL, BOO-BOO!" and the camera shakes up and down rigidly as something exciting happens in the land where we cannot see because it involves motion. Then the camera slides to the right to reveal a still picture of Yogi on his butt with stars blinking on and off above his head, and all the stars are absolutely identicaly except the ones on the right are slightly rougher because Hanna-Barbera's "xerographer", Star Wirth, always starts copying from the left to the right.) NO ANIMATION: (Clutch Cargo is shown in closeup, in the only picture of him they have. Where his mouth should be drawn is instead an elliptical hole in the picture where the animator is sticking his lips through. He says "I am sure glad that I did not step on that banana peel several hours ago." Then his dog says "Woof!". The dog also has human lips. Think of Conan O'Brien's comedy segments only done much more crudely and even stupider.) The other thing that bugs me about cartoons now is that the wave of computer-animated ones ("Transformers: Beast Wars", "War Planets", "Voltron: The Third Dimension", and all the others that attempt to be "ReBoot") are always sold to kids as "IN THREE-DEE!" because they must be three-dimensional because Hanna-Barbera had trouble drawing even TWO dimensions, let alone perspective. (Recently there was a cartoon which was actually sort of 3-D -- "Bots Master" -- except that it harnessed the incredibly lame technique of making you wear glasses with one clear and one dark eye and then everything moved to the left constantly to simulate motion towards, or away from you, I couldn't tell which.) Basically, Max Fleischer's Superman cartoons could reach out and wad up all current cartoons into a tiny ball which still would contain less animation than the pupil of his left eyes. Or I should say pupils, as when he used his X-ray vision his eyeballs would turn around to expose the special lead lenses on the back of his eyes just for X-ray vision. And... those cartoons, with their realistic human figures, full animation, "on ones", soft shading, fluid motion, elaborate special effects, facial expressions, etc., were animated by a team of one to four animators. (The early Mickey Mouse cartoons -- the ones like "Plane Crazy" where there was actually real animation -- were drawn entirely by one man, Ub Iwerks, but Walt Disney got all the credit.) Early Bugs Bunny cartoons (such as the ones directed by Bob Clampett) were also animated by two to four people. NOW, you have to have about a HUNDRED North Koreans working in a sweatshop cranking out the cartoons real fast for ten cents an hour, and because you have so many people working on the cartoon -- and drawing so rapidly and with a relative lack of skill -- the characters have to be simplified to eliminate all possibility of them every looking different from one animator to the next, and so the animators are all given model sheets that say "THE DINOBABIES LOOK LIKE THIS, THE DINOBABIES ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THIS, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO POSE THEM DIFFERENTLY OR ROTATE THEIR HEADS." Thus, when Bugs Bunny gets whacked with a board, his whole body can move and rotate and change -- the "stretch and squash" technique which is only available in full animation when drawn by talented artists who can draw a full range of motion in perspective -- but when Yogi Bear gets hit by a board they cut from an exactly-traced drawing of him in Standard Yogi Bear Inaction Pose #1 to an exactly-traced drawing of him in Standard Yogi Bear Inaction Pose #1 With His Head Turned Ninety Degrees where his reaction involves as little effort as possible, i.e. they keep the same body and paste on a different head, and he can only face to the front or side but cannot actually rotate his head. (Hanna-Barbera did these very lame Yogi Bear cartoons over thirty years ago, with a staff of a dozen "animators", but the principles still hold. Modern bad cartoons with a hundred animators are sometimes that bad, are often less limited, but still suck. Disney and Warner cartoons now still have full animation, although rather poorly drawn in comparison with past efforts, and often either on twos or "tweened" on a computer.) I should point out that the one advantage modern bad cartoons have over old bad cartoons is in the coloring: GOOD CARTOONS (1930s): Bugs Bunny's body parts are the right color in every frame. If an ink-and-painter (what the Peanuts cartoon credits called a "graphic blandishment" artist) were to paint Bug's left ear white on the outside and gray on the inside, instead of the right away around, in one frame, the cartoon's director would notice it blinking on and off and yell "THAT'S WRONG, NOW WE'VE GOT TO GO BACK AND RE-DO THAT ONE FRAME!" BAD CARTOONS (1950s to 1980s): Yogi Bear's necktie is drawn with his black nose color instead of his red necktie color in one frame of the cartoon. And of course this one frame is used a hundred times during the cartoon. If anyone at the studio noticed it, they just mumbled "AW, KIDS ARE STUPID, THEY DON'T CARE!" and went back to drinking. BAD CARTOONS (1990s): The line drawings are scanned into a computer and the person at the keyboard clicks on the little paint-bucket icon and clicks on Bugs Bunny and it automatically colors him in through all frames in the scene the same way. And errors can be fixed if the director so desires. (This is also the stage where a cartoon drawn "on twos" can be "tweened" to look as if it's drawn "on ones", which improves their fluidity vastly although still does not yield the full freedom of movement that being drawn at a full frame rate does.) Modern bad cartoons, such as the French-animated "The Real Adventures Of Jonny Quest" (which had the computer-generated effects pasted in after the cartoons were completed, as a lame attempt to make them less sucky) also have AUTOMATIC LIP SYNC, where the computer is shown what an open mouth, a closed mouth, and an intermediate mouth look like and it automatically inserts one of the three based on the volume going through the microphone at that moment. Of course, this means that 90% of everyone's face has to remain completely non-motile at all times so that their lips can be tacked on. (Compare those Bob Clampett Bugs Bunny cartoons where Bugs's whole face animates as he talks while chewing his carrot and working his eyebrows and turning his head.) And if you want to see Very Bad Animation... two words: DOCTOR KATZ. Not only does the "animation" consist entirely of two identical badly-drawn still pictures (which have ragged edges and are alternated repeatedly to make all the edges of the still picture wiggle) but it's drawn at 320x240 resolution at a low color depth (8-bit?) on an old Mac that doesn't even display an "overscan" area so that you can see a black border all the way around the picture. Even those "Space Ghost Coast To Coast" cartoons made from stealing frames from old Hanna-Barbera crud (and perverting their intent brilliantly) have more animation in 'em than the headache-inducing low-rez zigzags in "Dr. Katz". Other attempts at zero-budget, zero-skill low-tech computer animation show up as filler segments on "Sesame Street". I predict that the future of bad animation will show more of a divergence: The high-profile, reasonable-budgeted computer animated "3-D" shows are getting better ("Voltron: The Third Dimension" has computer-animated HUMANS in it) but the very poorly computer-animated stuff like "Dr. Katz" persists, suggesting that people are still looking for ways to cut corners even with the computer, without taking advantage of any sort of sophisticated technology, so that in a couple years we're going to see cartoons generated entirely by old Atari videogame systems. I should also point out that "funny" cartoons can't be done well with the "3-D" computer animation and are best done with actual hand-drawn artwork, but the "3-D" stuff works well enough for infantile shows about robots punching each other. -- K. I just wish they'd bring back the old Scrubbing Bubbles. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dr. Scott, UHF 68, Los Angeles, Saturday 11pm Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 01:10:21 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Bob Manson (manson@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > which was actually sort of 3-D -- "Bots Master" -- except that it harnessed > > Woah! The Bots Master was a superb animation tour-de-force! I'd get up > every day at 3am to mentally prepare myself for the orgasmic > experience. I even scratched up one of my corneas so I wouldn't have > to wear the dark lens over one eye. Yes, but did you scratch it from the INSIDE? > > simulate motion towards, or away from you, I couldn't tell which.) > > Both! Neither! IT WAS 33L33T! > > Never did see the final episode, tho. It was pretty lame. It was just a flash-forward to where King Super Bot was really old and reminisced about how Zonbo and Z'far weren't around to reminisce about the big climactic ending to the story because they died offscreen between episodes, and then the Universe blew up twice, and then the camera pulled back to reveal that it was all taking place in this little snowglobe inside this big display case full of other stuff and there was a big sign on the case which said "STUFF THAT NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED! SO LONG, SUCKERS!" And then there were orange-and-purple line drawings of the entire Graphic Blandishment department and some fake bloopers. -- K. What if you're trying to make a fake blooper but you screw it up? Is it ruined or just Very Special? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dr. Quest, UB Iwerks, Saturday am Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 07:55:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) expositoried: > > "Captain, I believe the plants act as an expository." (Raises an eyebrow and stuffs a Tootsie Roll lollipop into his mouth as someone explains the big word to William Shatner) By the way, nobody ever guessed the answer when I asked who I was quoting when I said "OH! I'VE CRUSHED A BALL!" It was William Shatner to Nick Meyer on the tiny set representing the endless cave in "Star Trek II". > > [...frames cut for teevee broadcast...] > > > > Basically, Max Fleischer's Superman cartoons could reach out and wad > > up all current cartoons into a tiny ball which still would contain less > > animation than the pupil of his left eye. [...] > > Indeed. I think about all you left out was mentioning that EARLY 1930s > Fleischer toons are a good example of something fully animated but > poorly drawn, which can be more visually interesting than well drawn > but minimally animated, like the 1960s Johnny Quests. It can go both ways. Something using limited animation coupled with very good comic timing and style, such as the earliest of Hanna-Barbera's "Two Stupid Dogs" (fake Ren & Stimpy) or their current "Johnny Bravo" and the first "Powderpuff Girls" achieve a striking effect with very simple drawings which hold still a lot... but "simple" does not equate "poorly drawn" if the lines are very clean and the characters are very carefully stylized (i.e. Hello Kitty.) Note that in the case of the above citations it's the work of Craig McCracken, Genndy Tartakovsky, and Van Partible that developed that new Hanna-Barbera house style to try to achieve _something_ of virtue within the incredible constraints of Hanna-Barberic limited animation. As far as those ancient Fleischer cartoons go, in the forties they were cranking out both the best-drawn/best-animated cartoons of all time (the early Supermans) as well as the surprisingly crudely-drawn Popeye cartoons. (I should point out that I am not talking about later Fleischer Popeyes, or the few Fleischer "stereo-optical" 3-D Popeyes which had a big budget, or the awful ones drawn for the Bozo show where Bozo demanded that the bad guy be "Brutus" and not "Bluto", or any of the later Popeye mutations. I am talking about the really old Popeye cartoons from before double you double you eye eye, toot toot.) These particular Popeye cartoons seemed to have full animation achieved with only ONE CEL (Mike Jittlov speculates that they HAD only one cel -- cels cost money, and they would have washed it off after each frame) resulting in, for instance, when Popeye sits on a chair, the chair begins to wiggle around because the chair is being completely redrawn in every frame because it has to be on the same cel as Popeye, who is completely redrawn in every frame. You can tell that the animation staff was doing some tweening with key drawings every eight cells or so because the chair would vibrate with a specific rhythm as if first every eighth frame was drawn and then all the others. (For those of you in alt.fan.mike-jittlov, in the scenes in "The Wizard Of Speed & Time" where Mike is animating the long shot of the Wizard kicking up dust as he runs across the frame from right to left, he was down to his last cel at that point, which is why you see him drawing on it with a grease pencil and wiping it off to make the next frame.) > > And... those cartoons, with their realistic human figures, full animation, > > "on ones", soft shading, fluid motion, elaborate special effects, facial > > expressions, etc., were animated by a team of one to four animators. > > (The early Mickey Mouse cartoons -- the ones like "Plane Crazy" where > > there was actually real animation -- were drawn entirely by one man, > > Ub Iwerks, but Walt Disney got all the credit.) > > Dear Lleah: > The above is the explanation to the joke I asked for last month. > Congratulations on getting Kibo to do your homework for you. Here's what I said a couple days ago while making fun of E Teflon Piano's E-mail address which contained the word "ubalt": -> "ubalt" is such a nice word that I predict that soon we're going to -> see it on all kinds of consumer products sold through late-night TV. -> "You'll never get your car stuck in a naturally-ocurring nougat pit -> again when you equip it with Ronco Ubalt!" -> -> I should point out that Ron Popeil did not personally invent the -> Ronco Ubalt, it was Ub Iwerks and the kids from "Zoom". For Leah's pop culture file: * Ub Iwerks drew Mickey Mouse for that other guy * Ron Popeil invented most of that Ronco crap * "Zoom" was a WGBH (Boston) production in the seventies that featured kids who could speak "Ubbidub" (and is now being revived, although I will cry if they lose Milton Glaser's Baby Teeth typeface which gave the whole thing a zero-budget acid-rock-opera quality) * ubalt is presumably the University Of Cheryl Baltimore, who was in the bad movie "Millennium" WITHOUT Lance Henriksen, who is the white Roy Scheider * If Richard Dreyfuss hadn't quit as the lead of "All That Jazz", who would be the captain of the "seaQuest", Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, Michael Ironside, or Bob Fosse? What if "All That Jazz" had been about Scheider's personal life and not Fosse's? Or if it had starred a talking dolphin? > Ob Ub: In the late 1980s I co-ran a video store with some > New Orleans vampire writer chyk (no, not her); it was called > "Froggy's Videos" and our logo was Iwerks' Flip the Public Domain Frog. Thank you, I will! (sound of frog hitting pavement) I think I'll have to create a new cartoon character named "Beat Me Up The Clown". Because anything is funny when it has "The Clown" after it and even funnier if it has "Beat Me Up" written on it too. > We hired a sign painter, and gave him xeroxes of an Iwerks drawing > of Flip smiling broadly with his arms extended merrily as if to say, > "Ta-Daa!". The painter MOSTLY did a good job of rendering the drawing > on our sign, except that for some reason he made the legs come together > about 2 inches BELOW the bottom of Flip's shorts. The result was rather > like Flip was wearing a too-short miniskirt. > (Christian Video Review says: "Contains no nudity, although frog crotch > is visible".) Thinking about the geometry of the shorts makes my head hurt. He had two leg holes... but his legs divided AFTER leaving the shorts... It's like when Charles Addams goes skiing and leaves the two trails on the two sides of the tree even though he was SNOWBOARDING AND ONLY HAD ONE LEG!!! So anyway, you're saying that he leaned on his crotch as a crutch? > Also, when we showed Chuck Jones a copy of our logo, he said that > "Iwerks" is "Screwy" spelled backwards. Yes, but "Ub" is "Pu" spelled sideways through the fourth dimension. > And finally to tie things together, one of the guests at the opening > of Froggy's Videos was Al Rose, who had animated for Max Fleischer in > his youth, and also wrote the biography of ragtime composer/centenarian > Eubie Blake, who early in his life sometimes went by "U. B. Blake". Then he changed his last name to Forty. > > I just wish they'd bring back the old Scrubbing Bubbles. > > I saw 6 of them walking down St. Charles Avenue on Mardi Gras. > Really. I think the Christian Movie Guide should review Mardi Gras. > I hear they've had trouble finding employment since it became known that > during the Vietnam War they worked formulating Agent Durian. But Dow Chemical is Dom Chemical spelled upside down, makers of fine champagne and movies about talking skateboards. That's why in the future world of NBC's "seaQuest" they had to keep Dom DeLuise in that big plastic scrubbing bubble. -- K. "Waah, we ran out of ideas and we've got to film a new episode!" "I know, let's film Dom DeLuise's family reunion and play frisbee!" "WOW! That'll be the best episode we've EVER made!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.toys.virtual-pets,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dying Furbies - Need Help Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 09:45:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.toys.virtual-pets, Marc Whisker (mwhisker@iol.ie) wrote: > > I bough my two cousins a Furby each for christmas this year. The first furby > died after four hous. I have tried re-set, Re-start, new batteries, > everything short of a new furby. The second furby after 7 days appers to > have lost its mind, despite new batteries and a re-set. It has an > intermittent fault it starts to make a continuous sound and then appers to > be doing everything at once. Then it dies and becomes unresponsive for about > four hours. > > I could well believe that one furby dying was an unlucky purchase being > badly manufactured but after having bought two and both have developed > faults I have to ask the question is this really a frail toy or is there > some design fault in the manufacturing process. Anyone else had any similar > problems or any suggestions? Do you know how, when you have two Furbies, they "communicate" with each other through those infrared sensors? Well, there's a communicable disease going around -- a kind of Furby virus. A Furby can catch it from being near any computer that's connected to the Internet. While no cure is known yet, scientists say there is only a 10% probability that the Furby virus can infect human beings. My advice is to wrap your Furbies in aluminum foil and store them at least 50,000 feet away from any people, pets, computers, telephone lines, or other Furbies. -- K. Or someone could have shot your Furbies with one of those toy lasers which fires an infrared beam, which is harmless to humans but deadly to Furbies. This is supposed to be a military secret! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,misc.legal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Electric Armor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 09:57:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology I would just like to take this opportunity to reply to an entire thread at once to save virtual paper, and to make this article longer. In sci.physics, "STAR1SHIP" (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > Patent pend. U.S. 07/247,498 Plasma rocket engine; International Patent > Cooperation Treaty(PCT) PCT/US89/05888 Star Ship > [...] > > A means to protect the rocket and pay load from projectile > collisions with dust and matter it may encounter may be obtained by > reducing the cross section of the craft, thereby, streamlining it. WOW! YOU'VE PATENTED THE IDEA OF MAKING THINGS SKINNY!!! That Ally McBeal gal must owe you a ton of money. > My invention may be shaped as a long cylinder to aid in streamlining. You've invented the pretzel rod! No, wait... the crayon! The uncooked spaghetti! > Another means of protection may be found with metals that have a shape > memory effect when heated. By anticipating the collision of solid > matter using conventional technology (such as radar or metal > detectors), a heating electric current may be generated through the > shape memory effect metal to resist the original penetration at the > time of impact by the force of the spring back effect plus the > thickness of the metal, thereby, creating an electric armor of my own > invention. > > I claim: > 6. My invention is an electric armor that is a means of > protecting an object from projectile collision, whereby, a > shape memory metal is heated electrically at the time of > collision to use the metals spring back effect to add to the > effective thickness of the shield, thereby increasing the > resistance to penetration. Have you considered just using STRONGER metal so you don't have to pound the dents out? Incidentally, you may want to sue the "Wonderbra" people for travelling back in time and patenting the use of memory wire to prevent denting and sagging several years ago. > [...] > Note: > An accepted patent application prohibits the granting of a patent to another on > my invention and any improvements for all time. You have my permission to make > use sell and operate my invention above and all included with the application. > I reserve my right to enforce full patent protection at all future dates from > the granted Universal Patent Number 1 protecting intellectual property. I also > reserve granted Star Ship Operator License Number 1 and all future rights to > license those who will make, use or sell my invention, parts thereof and all > improvements under my authority as inventor. The range of this protection > extends to the ends of the universe's limit in space and time. and HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS! (FIVE MILLION GLOWING NEON DANCING BEARS PARADE ACROSS YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN, TWIRL AROUND, RECEDE INTO INFINITY, AND EXPLODE INTO A SHOWER OF FIVE MILLION SPARKLY FIREWORKS, EACH OF A DIFFERENT HUE, WHILE TEN THOUSAND TUBAS PLAY BEETHOVEN'S "ODE TO JOY" AT DOUBLE SPEED. CUT TO DON KNOTTS.) DON KNOTTS: "Wowsers! Them's glowing bears!" (THE DANCING-BEAR SEQUENCE IS REPEATED, PLAYED BACKWARDS. DON KNOTTS EXPLODES.) In a different sci.physics article, "STAR1SHIP" (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > [...] > Simple machines working on simple principles such as my armor or rocket do not > have to be built or even have a picture drawn to be a patentable invention. I > have descibed in writing my invention. give the description to any one and have > him build it. I remain the inventor in all states except Mossuri that I cannot > spell. Well, then, you should patent your original spelling. Then you could be King of Mossuri, or at least one of those twits who lives in a shack and claims to have seceded from the United States Of America and watches Kevin Costner's "The Postman" over and over. And in another article on the same topic, "STAR1SHIP" (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > When my patent application was accepted it became patent pending giving me the > above rights. It granted me sole autority to make, use operate and license > others to use my invention for the period of examination.. > > Under that granted authority, I issued the star ship operators license number > 1(to myself). As the worlds first it stands as number one for all time. I see. So having your patent filed in a very special unofficial place in the Patent Office, a patent for making things skinny and/or the Wonderbra, entitles you to be the only person who can go to another galaxy. Well, good. Don't forget to write. > Countries that use my invention beyond their national air spaace to avoid my > patent rights will find that the Universal Patent Number 1 invented and issued > by me under the space extention of Maritime law will allow me to board, > confiscate or destroy their pirated ships. Cool! Archie Plutonium keeps talking about his magical invisible lawsuits, but I think having an invisible space fleet conducting a space war on your behalf is considerably saner. > I filed as a small entity to cut my patent fees in half. This status is revoked > should I consult an attorney for any reason. Dear misc.legal, please say something to him just to ruin his application. THAadvanceNKS! > The legal case law, I have throughly researched ...at the "Legal-Law Desk Of The Plutonium Atom Foundation", no doubt? > and documented in my file wrapper as filed with the patent office. You misspelled "fish", hope this helps. > Only two or three countries allow a patent to issue when not constructed in > three dimensions as opposed to the two dimensional working diagram I have. A _working_ diagram, as opposed to a piece of paper that doesn't actually fly into outer space and shoot at Klingons. > My Universal Patent gives me the highest protection possible though I keep the > right to petition congress as a formality. My Universal Patent as number one > has no experation date to protect my invention right whgile I undergo > relativistic time dilation effects therefore those I do not take to heaven can > follow later unless I revoke my permission for their misbehavior. This is all quite clever, although you misspelled "relativistic brain dilation". And, in yet another post on the same topic, "STAR1SHIP" wrote: > > It is unlikely you had declared the status of small entity (Soverign Nation of One). > You apparantly you have only those rights that others gave you and you > demonstrated no abilty to defend your property with out legal assistance. So if you're the monarch of a sovereign nation of one, who succeeds to your throne when you die? Also, in your country, who is King of Science? > A patent application is not accepted if in the fantasy realm of perpetual > motion, flying saucers, violative of universal law and other tests. The patent > office is not allowed to accept such inventions just to humour the applicant > for the costs involved can be considerable. I hope the Patent Office has been very nice to you. And in another article, "STAR1SHIP" wrote: > > It is not recommended or required that an atomic theory be included in any > patent applications for when science finds out what an atom looks like or how > it works then your patent can be rendered null and void. Then someone better hurry up and patent the New Atom before they discover it. > As a free and private citizen, I am not under the autority of International > Law. Since my invention must be fired in a vaccum to prevent it exploding at > any useful power level from atmospheric blockage of the exhaust port (similar > to air designed rockets exloding when fired under water). This would require > non government help in making my rocket in orbit unless high courts rule that > that the law covering atomic rockets does not extend to atomic engines as the > intent was to prevent atomic bombs atop rockets making an indefinite law > uneforceable. A useful feature to explode unavoidable meteors in my flight path > or hostile aliens of earth or elsewhere. Golly, you must have one heck of a spaceship if you can't even dodge silly old meteors. Even the USS Enterprise could do that just by tilting to the left. And in the next article: > > Opps hit the wrong button. Sir, jokes about the Challenger are in VERY poor taste. And in the next article: > > I would like to fax or email you the physical evidence I saw but I do not know > how to do that. This is some new version of the Patent Office's old "YOU MUST BE ABLE TO XEROX THIS SIGN TO PATENT A STARSHIP ENGINE", isn't it? Wait, does your starship have an engine? Or is your patent just on making it skinny and dent-proof? > Ideas are not patentable in fact the application will not even be accepted. My > application has be accepted and patent pending since 1988. Ah, that explains why I couldn't find it in the patent database I checked. They launched your prototype into space ten years ago and it never came back. > It is made on the two dimensions of paper by it's full disclosure as > required by patent law. My invention is real. THREE dimensions would be OVERKILL!!! TWO dimensions are REAL!!! By the way, which one of the three is the one that's not real? Are you the guy who kept putting those ads in "Man's Adventure" magazine in the fifties for "200 TWO-DIMENSIONAL TOYS, $1.98"? (And when they arrived, they looked just like the photograph in the ad!) > Should you have no real experience then you may rely on mine as stated in my > onsite transcript and resume which is much longer than yours or your teachers.. > > How do I know that without seeing the physical evidence of yours or your > teachers transcripts? > Educated guess. Curses! It matters not what education we have because you can always guess it as whatever you want! Well, I'll just have to go get an UNGUESSABLE EDUCATION to stump you! And in another sci.physics article, yadda yadda yadda, "STAR1SHIP" wrote: > > Because the patent office determined that my imvention had significant use for > NASA and utilized Radioactive material in accordence with DOE and Federal Codes > I had to declare again my property right on the back of their paper stating the > abovet. My rights remain today. How exactly do you keep the radiation from leaking out of the two-dimensional spaceship? > As I am an American Man standing on American Land in a Legitious Society. I > reserve my right to sue any one for any reason. I see, so you're an American and you're in a nation of one? You wished the other 249,999,999 Americans into the cornfield, didn't you? -- K. P.S. I see from your luxurious Web site that you're taking applications for Starship Commander #2. Can I be #2? I promise to use your faster-than-light two-dimensional Wonderbra spaceships only for good and never for evil. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food combinations; mind linked to cell communication Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:57:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor For reasons that can be understood only by those who are as smart as the King Of Science, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) told sci.med and sci.psychology.misc more details about his favorite foods: > > --- quoting a carton of RootMeister's history of root beer --- Call us back when a root beer manufacturer quotes you. In the pecking order of science, you rank somewhere below root beer cartons as an authority. > 1500 Native Americans share their root tea with Spanish explorers > > 1700 Settlers home brew root beers, yeast fermented, 1 to 2% alcohol > > 1800 Pharmacists commercialize root beers made with herbal extracts, > popularity surges > > 1950 Commercial root beer downturn.. artificial flavors replace root > extracts > > 1998 Journey Beverages revives historic varieties of true herbal > extract > root beer > --- end quote --- They seem to have forgotten the part about the big increase in business during Prohibition. Also, I think a few dozen other companies may have been making natural root beer before 1998. > My favorite is the Desert Sage Root Beer, very dark and robust, it has > sage and sassafras. I never knew that sage could be used for root beer > flavor. (Kibo pulls out a tiny notebook labelled "THINGS ARCHIE ADMITS NOT KNOWING" and makes a note. He puts it back on the shelf next to the fifty-volume set of "OTHER THINGS ARCHIE DOESN'T KNOW.") > Anyway, I need to explore the craving of foods to the chemistry of the > body connected with mind. > > Some food combinations are just "natural" such as cereal with milk, > spaghetti with sauce. You put milk, spaghetti, and sauce on your cereal? Eww! And I thought you were completely sane until you said that. > But I have built up combinations through the years. For instance I > need dijon mustard with hot dog or roast beef and I need a root beer or > cola with this combination. When I eat cherry pie I need a cold glass > of milk. And when you post to the science newsgroups you need an enema. > Somehow there is a coordination of body chemistry of a cell > communication and that of the mind in desire and cravings for food. Arch, have you ever considered taking a job at McDonalds? You'd be much more suited for that position than your current job as "King of Science", and I'm sure you'd be endlessly fascinated by the way the burgers change color from beige to gray as you grill 'em. -- K. Or you could try being one of those guys who punches a hole in your receipt when you leave BJ's Wholesale Club. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food combinations; mind linked to cell communication Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 09:04:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med and sci.psychology.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) continued the saga of what the King Of Science is eating under there: > > Today I had the Journey Ancient Cola drink along with sour dough rolls > and melted cheese with hot dog and dijon mustard with chicken noodle > soup and cheddar corn puffs. You had a cup of cola with sour dough rolls and melted cheese in it? Eww. By the way, I'm assuming that your cheezy corn puffs weren't "Smartfood" brand. > What I am looking for is a connection between craving of foods and > food combinations and the science behind it. What I am looking for is a connection between your posts and anything that anyone else anywhere in the Universe gives a damn about. EVERYONE DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING, ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM JUST DRANK A COLA!!!!! > From what I can make out at this point is that all craving for foods > is the body cells in mass-communication upon the brain to resupply > specific molecules or atoms that are depleting. So today, your body was running short on overpriced faux nautral gourmet cola and Cheezy Poofs? > So why combinations? Why do I crave root beer or cola with say hot > dogs or meats? Why do I crave say grape juice or red wine with > spaghetti? I think you're only supposed to use a hint of wine in the marinara sauce, NOT grape juice. What's next, you'll tell us you make Frankenberry omelets? > The answer I come up with is that cell communication to the > brain of what is depleted is so fine-tuned that it tells the brain what > combinations of foods neutralize the unwanted chemicals. For example, > the combination of root beer or cola with meats and dijon mustard and > cheddar corn puffs is that the sugars of the drink neutralize the salts > of the foodstuffs. I... see. So, chemically, the opposite of salt is sugar. You forgot these other axes: spicy vs. bland bitter vs. something that's like sweet but not sweet because you already used that one liquid vs. solid hot vs. cold nutritious vs. yummy low-quality vs. overpriced and food that goes "glop" vs. food that goes "crunch" vs. food that goes "thud". Personalitywise, I bet you're a "thud". > So the craving of combinations is the joint-massive > cell communication to the brain to balance out the foods eaten whilst > getting the chemicals depleted. Have you tried just not going to the bathroom so much? -- K. I apologize in advance if he starts posting his potty schedule to the science newsgroups. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:54:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) writes: > > > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) says: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > ... so with just ten of us here each posting ten articles > > > > a day it feels like 1991. > > > > > > NOT ANY MORE!!!!!!!!! > > > > > > -Matt McIrvin, proud Club 91 non-member > > > YOU CAN NO LONGER CENSOR MY VIEWS BY REVELING IN NOT READING THEM! Hey! You're not allowed to read the Club 91 membership roster to determine that you're not in Club 91! Go back to the other meeting room where Dungeons & Dragons & Math Club 92 is meeting! I hear that in the Dungeons & Dragons & Math Club 92, everyone gets to be Vice President. > > No, but we -can- not Invite you to the new Club we just found on the floor, > > I mean formed. Dave, don't let anyone know I told you this, but last night I actually set up a new secret club, with its own logo and its own Web site and stuff, and secret weekly activities that automatically change every week, but I can't let anyone join it yet because this club requires use of a secret new Web server which isn't available to the public, so you can only join the secret new club if you guess the URL, the port number, the password, and the point. That reminds me, I need to go back and add that thingie to the Web page that checks to see if your name begins with "Mc" and ends with "Irvin" and, if so, redirect you to the Dungeons & Dragons & Math Club 92 meeting in the Boston Public Library where Don Saklad forces all three members to follow Robert's Rules Of Order as well as Don's Rules Of Orbitz. > And your clubs are all icky because you don't allow gurlz. I was > pleased and excited to be called a "regular" by Kibo, though, which is > better than being called a "decaf" or a "worker bee-slash-drone". "STACIA WORKS IN CYBERSPACE B BACKSLASH DOT COM ALL DAY LONG..." GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! STACIA JUST HURT ME WITHOUT MEANING TO!!! > > Dave "Matt's cuter than Kibo because of the Red Beard. But he's taken, > > AvocadoLass. Or was when last we heard from him, anyway." DeLaney > > Who's taken? Because it would make a lot of difference to me. I call dibs on everyone who's not taken! I am calling the special secret version of Code Adam for grownups and so I can claim all the good-looking people before leaving this virtual WalMart! > I think I'm starting to see why people are trying to fix me and Nick and > beable and sometimes Alex S00ter up... because I'm acting pretty damn > desperate. But, as I said over dinner tonight, "I've never met a hornier > bunch of persons than the ones on ark." Fortunately, dinner was just with > me, the cats, and the Men of the Weather Channel fanfic. Fan-fiction about the Weather Channel? Wow. That's more pathetic than those "Space: 1999" fan-fics that explain what happened to Barry Morse between the two seasons, unless it fails to mention the phrase "killer soap suds". Which somehow I doubt. -- K. Then at the end they realize the soap suds were just trying to tell the Moon that it needed a bath! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food poisoning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:58:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > And your clubs are all icky because you don't allow gurlz. I was > > pleased and excited to be called a "regular" by Kibo, though, which is > > better than being called a "decaf" or a "worker bee-slash-drone". > > And since you're regular, you don't have to take the special > kibological laxatives, unless you really want to! Yay! > > [...] > > BUT I'M TAKING MY POTS WITH ME! SO I CAN BANG THEM TOGETHER WHILE I WAIT! Kibology is like a beautiful girl sitting on a toilet banging pots and pan together. Not that I am assuming the two of you must be beautiful. But I *know* you're sitting on the toilet as you read alt.religion.kibology. Then later you go back to vacuuming the rug in high heels and pearls. -- K. Then the six Brady kids plus Cousin Oliver run into the room and they all shout "NO MORE BACON!". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.toys.virtual-pets,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: FURBY (VOLUME) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 09:48:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.toys.virtual-pets, "Go4itu" (go4itu@aol.com) wrote: > > The volume lowered about 50% after the furby was next to a vacuum. NASA is working to rectify this so that the next "Toys In Space" program aboard the Space Shuttle isn't ruined like that last one where they paid the astronauts to spend two weeks playing with Tamagotchis around the clock in zero gravity to see if virtual pets will grow faster, but when the shuttle landed at the spaceport the metal detectors erased the Tamagotchis, wasting over fifty million taxpayer dollars. -- K. Help save the lives of toys in space! Stop paying your taxes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.toys.virtual-pets,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: furby makes continuous loud pitched sound????? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 09:52:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.toys.virtual-pets, "SKULLMILES" (skullmiles@aol.com) wrote: > > Would anyone out there know why our new Furby would make a loud pitched siren > sound, nonstop until you take the cover off the battery compartment? > Instructions don't mention this in their "troubleshooting" section. My Furby did this too, but I called up the toy company's consumer hotline and they told me that the infrared sensor in the Furby's forehead is a bozo detector. I covered it up with masking tape and the bozo alarm stopped. It still calls me bad names, though. -- K. Is it just me, or do Furbies seem to have all been designed to self-destruct a few days after Christmas? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: hey... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 01:16:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology, "duane wane" (duane@duane.com) wrote: > > i've never used, or even pretended to use, the internet before, Well, it's good that you've started pretending to use it now. > and i can't seem to delete a post. what good is that? i used to be able > to delete posts when i had co-sysop access to my friends WWiV bbs, But WWW is one letter better than WWV which is one Roman numeral better than WWIV, so WWW is TWO THINGS BETTER than WWiV PLUS A CAPITAL! > but now that i have my own copy of "outlook express" i can't delete a post? > what is that? That's because you don't have a WebTV. The WWiV BBS got renamed first to WWiTVBB when they went national and then to WebTV when Bill Gates bought 'em. > and how do i make macros with cool ansi colors and animation? > > this is not nearly as cool as a WWiV BBS. Oh, if only alt.religion.kibology could be just half as cool as the BBS your friend had in your basement. -- K. By the way, you're not fooling us, no REAL NEWBIE would post from their own domain name. SO QUIT PRETENDING TO BE A LOSER, YOU GENTLEMAN!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.archaeology,sci.engr,soc.history,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Hot water; the invention of Re: historical progression of every important invention; archeology's biggest research project Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 10:26:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.archaeology, sci.engr, and soc.history, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > In this chart of important inventions would be hot water. The > repeatable technology to produce hot water. It does not have to be > a-lot of hot water but only a flask full. I think hot water was > discovered early on in human history. And I'm sure that if you keep up with your research in your "laboratory" you might someday re-discover the recipe. > [...] Pour it over someone who likes hot water on them and soon you > have a pre-history industry of making hot water. It would suck to be Someone Who Loves Having Hot Water Poured Over Them before it was invented, wouldn't it? > An aside story in my own life related to the above. No... I don't believe it... I'm reading along in the middle of this article by Archimedes Plutonium, about cavemen making warm water, and what were the chances that Archie could turn the topic to himself? I am amazed by this stunning display of a non-sequitur disguises as a segue. And it allows us to further refine our model of Archie's typical missive: "Fire hot! Fire burns! blah blah blah blah I like mittens!" What makes Archie a super-genius is the "blah blah blah" part. > In my youth, my > father bought these beautiful blue Royal Copenhagen mugs. They were so > pretty you were scared to drink out of them for fear of breaking or > chipping them. No, I was scared to drink out of your mugs for fear of catching a communicable form of stupidity. > Later I got plastic pitchers and used those as mugs for > drinking or eating cereal. So let's see. Archie told rec.bicycles.tech that he likes to eat spaghetti out of paper cups, and now he's told sci.archaeology that he likes to eat cereal out of plastic pitchers. Let's start a betting pool. I'll put five dollars on him next telling the chess newsgroup that he likes to eat powdered sugar off of bicycle seats. > And then later in life I had a wood burning stove. You see, this article skips seamlessly from one completely irrelevant topic to another in the most nonchalant way possible! Only an absolute genius would be able to do that. I like Pez! > And the problem with that was neither porceloin or plastic were > appropriate but instead, metal cups were the ideal container. > > I am sure that the invention of hot-water did not have to wait until > the invention of metal water containers, but once metal water > containers were available the hot-water industry was boosted. I am so sick and tired of the hot-water industry's monopoly on piping hot water into our homes!!! We should be allowed to make it ourselves!!! -- K. Also supermarkets should sell frozen hot water for convenience!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.subgenius From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I'm colorblind and I date a 16-year-old girl! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 07:12:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > [ grrr. this is not getting posted. only reason I can > think of is that the one group I thought was unmoderated > was actually moderated. reposting a THIRD time, with > offending newsgroup snipped. it's probably not being > shown anymore. grrr. ] I think you can stop not posting it now. EVERYONE ELSE ALSO STOP NOT POSTING! WE NEED TO TAKE A HEAD COUNT! We didn't lose anyone when the alt.religion.kibology bus stopped at that gift shop connected to the casino, did we? > I actually *am* colorblind, but I don't date a 16-year-old > girl. the subject line is actually the plot of a movie I > recently saw on Showtime: "Color of Night", starring Bruce > Willis as Long Dong Silver, pornstar. So how come he got a seafood restaurant named after him and that guy who played Jeeves the butler in the thirties didn't? (Brian Chase will now explain the joke, unless it's between the Chase Limit and the McIrvin Limit, which is probably is, in which case Matt McIrvin will refuse to explain it. Also, he was in "Mary Poppins". Jeeves, not Matt. That movie would have sucked if Matt had been in it! Matt will now sing his parody of "Chim-Chiminey-Chim-Chim-Cheroo" in Dick Van Dyke's Cockney accent.) > I did not get the same safety valve while watching this > movie, the way I did with "Max Q*Bert"; I was at someone > else's house, so I couldn't grab the control and switch > to something else during the boring parts. You missed the chance to make a reference to the unreleased video game "FASTER MORE HARDER Q*BERT", in which this skanky female Q-Bertha kept trying to jump on Q*Bert and put the L-U-V on him. > and, of course, > there were no commercials. I missed the first part of > this glorious movie because we started watching "Midnight > in the Garden of Good and Evil", which I thought looked > pretty good, but it was too slow for everyone else. so, > we turned to Showtime to watch Bruce Willis in a pornfilm. Could have been worse. Two words: CYBILL SHEPHERD. Hey, have you ever seen her singin' and dancin' with Burt Reynolds, Madeleine Kahn, and Dulio del Prente in "At Long Lost Love"? That's the movie based on the song Cole Porter composed to take his mind off the pain when his horse fell on him and crushed both his legs, and it goes like this: "At long last... loooove... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHH!!!" Well, no, it doesn't, but he did write the song because his horse was sitting on his crushed legs. The song is a heartfelt expression of his excruciatedness, and the movie was the first one in about forty years to have actually filmed the actors singing the actual song while dancing (not dubbed from a studio session) so you get to see Cybill Shepherd ACTUALLY ATTEMPTING TO SING while she FAILS TO DANCE and Burt Reynolds is too drunk to care. If that's not enough to make you want to see it, it was directed by Peter Bogdanovich, the poor man's Alan Parker. > the first thing I saw was Scott Bakula, which is enough > to make a saner man scream "NOOOO!" and quantum leap out > of the room. Could be worse, could have been Scott Baiokula, the poor man's Alan Parker's Scott Baio. Matt McIrvin will now compose the ultimate Alan Parker song in which baby Scott Baio and baby Jodie Foster give a fifteen-gallon "splurge" enema to Matthew Broderick while Colm Meaney runs around naked shouting "OKAY, SO I LIKE TO FINGER MY BUTTHOLE, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME GAY!" There, I just made a callback to a true story by M. Otis Beard which had ten times the plot of the average Alan Parker movie. > Scott Bakula is a good *performer*, but a > terrible *actor*. I cannot figure out why middle-aged > women obsess over someone whose career consists of walking > onscreen and looking winsome. You forgot the time he had to wear a diaper because he turned into a chimpanzee on "Quantum Leap", or all the episodes where he went around in gigantic high heel shoes and everyone pretended he looked like a real woman and didn't giggle very much. Also you forgot the time he did that commercial. Okay, it _was_ just a commercial for "Quantum Leap", and it did feature Bakula rising out of a coffin, but he presumably wasn't responsible for the stupid writing in that commercial because NOBODY IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE STUPID WRITING IN COMMERCIALS! That's why America is so great: We have total freedom so we don't have to take responsibility for anything. Unless we think it's cool. America, the cool. > anyways, I wasn't disappointed with Scott Bakula being > in this movie, since he was immediately and brutally slain. > yaaay!!!! (he may have actually had a speaking role in > this film, but I missed it. see above.) > > turns out Bakula is a therapist, and so is Bruce Willis, > his best friend, who is a prime suspect in the murder > because Bruce now gets to stay in Scott's house. he also > gets to take over Scott's monday-night therapy group, > which is composed of five loonies, one of whom MUST BE > THE KILLER! OF COURSE! because... why? I have no idea. > the cop in the movie never explained why the killer had > to be a member of the monday group, and he turned out to > be WRONG, of course: in psychokiller movies, the person > everyone suspects of being the killer is always innocent. Unless Jon Voight plays Jim Phelps and acts all shift and Jon Voighty, and has "MOISTEN NEEDLE BEFORE INSERTING TAIWAN" tattooed above his bellybutton. Or if Ron Silver plays the guy who keeps telling you he's completely blind while he reads the book "HOW TO BE A BAD GUY, AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY, BY RON SILVER, WHO IS ONLY PRETENDING TO BE BLIND, YOU'RE WATCHING FOX!". Matt? > before I go further, here's my examination of the main > plot (the murder-thriller): it sucks. it is SO OBVIOUS > in the first few minutes after the first plot point. > consider the following: > > 1) the cop tells Bruce Willis that the therapy > group is four males, one female. cut to a > scene at the therapy group, where we see: three > males, one female, and ONE WOMAN PRETENDING > TO BE A TEENAGED-BOY ("Rickie". not Ricardo.) I think that would have been a great episode, if Lucy had accidentally dropped Little Ricky out the window right before his christening and then she had to pretend to be him so that Big Ricky wouldn't beat her senseless in his charming Cuban way, and then for the rest of the series there would be this running gag (leading to zany mixups and hilarious misunderstandings and crazy schemes) where she'd have to keep pretending to be Little Ricky, and eventually she'd have to appear in "Automan" with her mouth hanging open in every frame. > 2) on his way to group, Bruce runs into Rose, > his love interest, who acts mysterious. gosh, > would she have something to do with the plot? > 3) we quickly meet "Rickie's" guardian, his older > brother, who says that the therapy is hurting > "Rickie" and explains that "when Rickie feels > pain, I feel pain". gosh, he wouldn't be the > killer, would he? > > I know I was completely taken by surprise at the end > of the movie when it was revealed that Rickie wasn't > really a teenage boy, "he" was Rose, and Rose's brother > was the killer! > > back to the overall review. > > the movie sucked. WELL THEN WHY DID YOU WATCH IT? I think I should be a movie critic so that I don't have to do any work, I can just say "THIS MOVIE CAN'T SUCK BECAUSE I PAID TO SEE IT AND I AIN'T STUPID! ALSO MACS ARE BETTER THAN WINDOWS AND ATARIS ARE BETTER THAN AMIGAS!" every week. > here is why: the plot was ridiculous > and too obvious; the actors hammed it up terribly; cliches > practically jumped off the screen and through my eyeballs; > things were thrown into the movie for NO REASON except the > director thought it would be interesting. in short, the > movie had no substance -- and REALLY LONG EXPLICIT SEX > SCENES. what do we call a movie with no substantial plot > or characters, simulated penetration, frontal nudity, and > a shot of Bruce Willis's wanger? PORN. You call a naked Bruce Willis "porn"? That won't do. You need to turn a clever movie-critic-ish phrase like "A VERITABLE FLAB-O-SCAPE OF NAKED, DROOPING LAMENESS! WHEN WILLIS CRACKS HIS CHARACTERISTIC SMILE, HIS FACE REALLY CRACKS, AND COMPARED TO HIM, HIS MERKIN DOES MO'ACTIN'! THEY SAY IT'S A MOVIE WITHIN A MOVIE! I SAY IT'S A NOT-A-MOVIE WITHIN A DIFFERENT NOT-A-MOVIE! YOU'LL LAUGH, YOU'LL CRY, YOU'LL KISS YOUR SEX DRIVE GOODBYE! I SAW IT TWICE JUST SO I COULD HATE IT MORE!" > there was a really long sex scene between Bruce Willis and > Jane March (Rose/Rickie) that dissolved to a five-second > shot of hang-gliders, then back to more sex! WHAT THE HELL > WAS THAT? imagine my chagrin when I said aloud "well, it > can't actually be porn, because there's no lesbian scene", > AND THEN THERE WAS A LESBIAN SCENE! > > (this leads back into the bad plot discussion. one of the > women in the lesbian scene was obviously "Rose" in a wig. > gosh, would we soon learn that "Rose" was having sex with > everyone in the group?) > > another think that thoroughly irked me about this movie > was that Bruce Willis did this cheesy pseudo-film-noire > narration everytime Rose showed up. ONSCREEN! his character > was muttering stuff like "she floated into the room like > a summer fantasy, full of passion and hot air" under his > breath, and the other characters could hear him! GAAAH! Then he got married to Cybill Shepherd and she gave birth to twins and the show REALLY started to suck. > there was also this stupid gimmick about Bruce Willis having > a former patient commit suicide, and the trauma of seeing > his patient's blood made him UNABLE TO SEE RED, hence my > comment in the subject line. > > and also: DON'T MISS THE RIVETTING "WATER ALL OVER THE > FLOOR OF MY HOUSE" SCENE! Was this the one where Jerry and Nibbles pulled the wires out the refrigerator motor and touched them to the floor to make an ice-skating rink, because everyone knows that cold comes out of the ends of cut wires? Or was it the one where Woody Allen drops the live lobsters on the floor and he jumps up and down on them to kill them and then Mia gets turned on? > the whole movie just makes you scream. it's not good enough > to be a serious drama, and it's too crappy even for a psycho > killer movie. Two words: "COMEDY HYPHEN DRAMA". Um, I mean, "DRAMA HYPHEN SLASHER". Hyphen porn, too. STAMP OUT HYPHEN PORN!!! Starring John--------Holmes and John_------------------------------------------------------------_Winston. > hell, only two people die! you keep waiting > for someone else to be killed, and instead, Bruce Willis > boffs his chyk again! and then, when the movie is over, you > can watch interviews with Bruce Willis and company discussing > how proud they were of their acting, and how true-to-life > the story was! grrrrr! > > oh, and never let it be said again that french people know > about quality movies, but americans are uncultured scum. I've > read through some other comments about "Color of Night" on > Usenet, and the americans all recognize this movie as crap, > but the french people *love* it! ``un bon scŽnario, gachŽ par > trop d'"hollywoodianisme" Comme souvent.'' that's one hell > of an understatement. > > oh, and since everyone else mentions Lesley Ann Warren, or Leslie Uggams, or Jo Anne Pflug, or Jo Anne Worley, or Skip Stephenson. > I won't, but will instead mention Lance Henrikson, that wrinkly guy > from "Millennium". Also known as "The Other Earl Boen". Someday I need to post some frame blowups from "The Terminator" to prove my theory that Lance Henriksen and Earl Boen, together, ARE THREE PEOPLE!!! > I like "Millennium", and think his > weird unemotional performances fit well in that series, the > same way Duchovney's nonacting in "The X-Files" work for *that* > series' also, Henrikson didn't do so bad a job in the otherwise > silly Southern-sympathetic movie about the assassination of > Abraham Lincoln (or "the event of Northern depression") that > they air on TNT. however, the guy is another good performer > who can't act. why people put him in movies like this one > is beyond me. > > so: if anyone doubts me, you have a chance to watch it on > Showtime over the next few days and refute my review. > > but: you have been warned. Tell you what. You watch all the movies I mentioned above, except "The Terminator" (because that one's kind of enjoyable in places) and we'll all watch the movie you watched by mistake for two hours. -- K. What kind of guy has friends who let them watch Bruce Willis get naked on their TV? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Indisputable Proof That Jaffo Is Old Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 09:48:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > > > Let's also not allow anyone with the name "Asafoetida". > > For those of you (like me) that have been hearing of the amazing and > powerful asafetida (or asafoetida if you prefer) In India it usually seems to be spelled 'asafoetida', which would be a British-like way of spelling it, but I'm an American Dammit, so I have to spell it 'asafetida'. I say 'ass-uh-FEH-ti-da' and the two Indian-Americans I've asked lately have said 'ass-uh-FOE-ti-da' and 'ass-uh-feh-TEE-da'. I propose we come up with several alternative mispronunciations for it. Also, I need to ask one of my bosses -- the guy who signs paychecks with an "X" -- how to spell it in Tamil. > but didn't ever bother to look it up assuming it was just another word > Kibo made up, I have included the following for you edification. I have never made up a single bloozy word, unless you were just speaking lenortically. > as?a?fet?i?da also as?a?foet?i?da (as?e-fet1i-de) noun > > A brownish, bitter, foul-smelling resinous material obtained from the > roots of several plants of the genus Ferula in the parsley family and > formerly used in medicine. > > [Middle English, from Medieval Latin : asa, gum (from Persian aza, mastic) > + Latin fetida, feminine of fetidus, stinking. See fetid.] Note that it's a collision of an Iranian word and a Latin word. Two evil empires have teamed up to bring you this word for something secretly snuck into your papadum to prevent you from having sex. > People really do eat this shit^H^H^Htuff? Why? I mean look at the root > of this word people! FETID! Doesn't that tell you anything? Remember the thread about how graham crackers keep you from ever having sex after you eat one? Well, asafetida does that too. Brahmins aren't allowed to eat onions or garlic because everyone knows that onions and/or garlic make you sex-crazed. So they have to fill themselves up with asafetida, garlic's retarded little brother. It's actually not bad mixed with a lot of black pepper and used IN TINY QUANTITIES in papadum or curry or stuff. It is actually very bad when used IN SMALL BUT NOT TINY QUANTITIES as the "artificial durian flavor" in those artificial durian sugar wafers I once had that tasted about fifty times worse than that actual durian I had. It is usually sold as a 'compounded' powder, where it's mixed with something like 99.99999999% wheat flower and anti-caking agent so that you can add microscopic quanities of it from a shaker -- and the flour helps keep it visible so you won't accidentally overseason. One company sells it also mixed with tumeric (a.k.a natural yellow dye, fake mustard, and/or fake saffron) as "YELLOW POWDER". (For those who don't know, a pinch of tumeric can turn an entire bathtub fluorescent yellow, much like FD&C Yellow #2.) It is also available in chunk form, where the chunks look like well-polished turds (imagine doggie doo that's been through a rock tumbler -- I assume everyone on alt.religion.kibology has a rock tumbler), dark brown and smooth and glossy yet asymmetrical and with an occasional jagged cavity. These chunks are rock-hard, must be smashed with a hammer, and make your mouth taste like rancid garlic for an hour if you lick one of these evil faux rocks. Asafetida is used for practical jokes in India in much the same way that limburger cheese is. Asafetida in even the smallest quantities can make an entire building (let's say NASA's Vehicle Assembly Building) smell like an open sewer filled with a mixture of doo-doo, rotting flesh, burning garlic, limburger cheese, and asafetida. Yes, asafetida is so stinky that it actually smells worse than itself plus several other things. -- K. Indian recipe: 1 chunk asafetida 10 pounds fresh cilantro 10 pounds hot pepper 10 pounds homemade goat cheese 1 pound caraway seeds with silver foil glued to them any part of a drumstick tree that the Devil has touched Mix well. Makes ice cream. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Indisputable Proof That Jaffo Is Old Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 09:11:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [asafetida] is also available in chunk form, where the chunks look > > like well-polished turds (imagine doggie doo that's been through a rock > > tumbler -- I assume everyone on alt.religion.kibology has a rock tumbler), > > I have to say I've never had a rock tumbler. [I know what one is, but > didn't have time in my FunFilled Childhood for that particular hobby. > Our hobbyroom was covered to a depth of two feet by other various and > sundry games. Still vaguely yearn for a complete Super Spirograph set.] Here, let me complete your childhood fantasy. Step one: [] [] <> [] <> <> <> [] [] <> [] <> [] [] [] Step two: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Step three: () () . () . () . . () . () () . . () . () Step four: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ THE END. -- K. Then the spaceman eats breakfast then he eats lunch then he eats dinner then he goes through the rock tumbler then he goes through the microwave then he goes through the toilet then he eats breakfast then he eats lunch... P.S. I had the 3-D version of the Hyper Spirograph, where you could draw lemniscate deltoids within a block of clear gelatin supersaturated with thiosulfate solution and a nucleating agent YOU could move with any household 500,000,000 oersted magnet! I wrote that sentence just so I could say 'oersted' because that Gauss guy gets way too much credit. I mean, discovering magnetism AND the bump-shaped curve? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Indisputable Proof That Jaffo Is Old Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:38:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Jaffo (jaffo@jaffo.com) writes: > > > > [re Stacia removing some newsgroups from the "Newsgroups:" header > > of this thread] > > > > And yet you decided to LEAVE IN Christnet? The first nine times I looked at that I wackyparsed it as "You decided to LIVE IN Christmas?" IF STACIA GETS TO LIVE IN CHRISTMAS ALL YEAR I WANT TO LIVE IN APRIL FOOL'S DAY ALL THE TIME EXCEPT THE BEGINNING OF APRIL WHEN I WILL LIVE IN MAY DAY! MAY DAY 2000! THE HOLIDAY THAT YOU CAN SHOUT IN A CROWDED THEATER!!! > Keep net in Christnet! Keep istma in Christmas. Except when > not in use, shall keep Christ in polybag. Poor Christ! He was returned to His special container when not in use. He could turn water to wine (WINE DOES NOT ENABLE DRINKER TO GET DRUNK) but refills were sold separately. Jesus not for internal use. May stain fabric and cause skin and/or eye irritation. I wan to know why frogs don't have that tattooed on them: May stain fabric when picked up and squeezed. May cause skin and/or eye warts. Turn frog into prince only with use of a frog-sized dental dam. Always practice safe froggery! Also I think that when the Romans crucified Jesus, it would have been funnier if they had instead put him in Doug Henning's Zig-Zag Woman cabinet. Especially the part where they tickled His feet to prove that they didn't belong to His stunt double. -- K. I WAS JESUS'S STUNT DOUBLE AS TOLD TO WILLIAM SHATNER ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Indisputable Proof That Jaffo Is Old Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 05:32:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > IF STACIA GETS TO LIVE IN CHRISTMAS ALL YEAR I WANT TO LIVE IN APRIL FOOL'S > > DAY ALL THE TIME EXCEPT THE BEGINNING OF APRIL WHEN I WILL LIVE IN MAY DAY! > > DIBS ON LIVING IN MARDI GRAS! Okay, you can live in Mardi Gras for an infinite amount of time, but only if afterwards you live in Ash Wednesday for an infinite amount of time, and that means you'll get so many ashes smeared on your forehead that you'll die of skin suffocation! Then they'll cremate you and smear you on someone else, and it might be a GUY!!! So think about that carefully before you wish yourself into the cornfield of So Much Mardi Gras It Is All Over You Screen Forever. Also because you'll get stuck in Eternal Lent you'll have to go on a very slow fast, where people can't give you food but they can lend it to you, eww. > > MAY DAY 2000! > > > > THE HOLIDAY THAT YOU CAN SHOUT IN A CROWDED THEATER!!! > > Especially if it's playing "Titanic". Someday I will realize my lifelong dream of making an Irwin Allen-style disaster movie about people dying in a fire in a crowded theater. And in William Castle fashion, I will plant smoke bombs under several seats before each performance, and I will carefully time the movie's release to coincide with John F. Kennedy's launch of the nuclear missiles that will destroy the world!!! > > > Keep net in Christnet! Keep istma in Christmas. Except when > > > not in use, shall keep Christ in polybag. > > If the Holiness is not good enough, sins cab be washed with > indulgence from the Boap. > Do not throw out John the Baptist's head. I hear that in the Navy everyone giggles whenever the chaplain mentions John The Baptist's head. > > Poor Christ! He was returned to His special container when not in use. > > He could turn water to wine (WINE DOES NOT ENABLE DRINKER TO GET DRUNK) > > but refills were sold separately. Jesus not for internal use. May stain > > fabric and cause skin and/or eye irritation. > > Discontinue use if stigmata bleeds for more than 7 days. There shoul be a home stigmata test where you just touch the litmus paper to your hand to find out if your hands are bleeding or not. > > I want to know why frogs don't have that tattooed on them: > > > > May stain fabric when picked up and squeezed. > > Always wash frog-stained fabric before meeting with Special Prosecutor. "Your honor, the President should, nay, MUST be impeached because a frog piddled on Monica Lewinsky!" "The tests show that it's definitely frog urine... and Francois Mitterand's handwriting." I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. > > May cause skin and/or eye warts. > > NOT TRUE, DAGNABIT!! How do you know? The Elephant Man looked like Leonardo DiCaprio until he touched that frog. Then he went from being slightly deformed with his eyes below the midpoint of his strangely tapered head to being a hideous mutant. > > Turn frog into prince only with use of a frog-sized dental dam. > > Always practice safe froggery! > > Kibo did NOT troll me into reposting "Tounge of Frog". Today. > > Instead, I will suject you to the first ARK appearance of the text of > a manuscript loaned to me by my elementary school teacher friend > Ms. J (the "Mmmm, Spikey!" gal). The manuscript's crayon > illustrations show both the protaganist and the frog as stick-figures > with round smiley-faces. > > --------------begin text of manuscript------------------------------- > > I SLAPPED A FROG ALL THE WAY TO LAS VEGAS > by R[*] O[*] > > ------------------------------------ > > I'm being chased by a big fat frog! > > ------------------------------------ > > The frog bit me on the nose. > > ------------------------------------ > > I slapped the frog, grabbed his leg, > and swung him around like a rag doll. > > ------------------------------------ > > I slapped a frog all the way to Las Vegas! > > ------------------------------------ > > THE END > > -------------end of text of manuscript----------------------- > > Comparing this to the youthfull works which Matt and Samantha > have posted, I'd guess Mr. R.O. has about an even chance of > winding up in the ARK about 2014. Or maybe the frog will. -- K. Poor Spot! A frog bit him on the nose and then beat him up in Las Vegas and won a million dollars! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Jackie Chan and the Durian Connexion Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 07:24:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor beable@my-dejanews.com, who was standing behind the DejaNews Door when they were handing out Real Names, wrote: > > I was watching a Jackie Chan movie the other day, as you do. > I don't know the name of it, but it had a lot of old-timey > cars and Jackie was wearing those two-tone shoes. It must > have been in the 1920's when Chris Franks was a boy. Anyhow, > there was a fight scene where Jackie gets kicked and flies > backwards into a market stand. He lands with his bottom on > a basket of durians. He goes "YOW" and then he picks up a > durian and throws it at one of the bad guys. He then throws > several more durians at bad guys. ^ | Your typography has just made Bertha Goudy cry. > So it would seem that Jackie Chan is not the nice guy he > pretends to be!! HE THROWS DURIANS AT EVIL HENCHMEN!! > THE BASTARD!!! Yes! The most expensive, and therefore best, fruit in the world! And he had durians, too! I'm sorry, that was a cheap shot. It's not fair to call Jackie Chan gay just 'cause he said "YOW!" when he got a durian up his butt and real men would definitely say something slightly stronger. And refuse to be in any movie where they got durians up their butt in the first place. How much money would they have to pay YOU to get a durian up your butt? Would you do it for $100? For $1000? For $10,000? For $100,000? For $1,000,000? For $10,000,000? For $100,000,000? For $1,000,000,000? I WOULD ONLY DO IT FOR INFINITY MINUS ONE DOLLARS! -- K. And what would happen if Sammo Hung fell into the bucket o' durians face first? Would the durians be okay? I like Sammo and Jackie, I really do, it's just that their movies are FUNNY and are MEANT TO BE FUNNY so it's okay to mock them. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Jackie Chan and the Durian Connexion Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 08:20:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > beable@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > > > [Jackie Chan] lands with his bottom on a basket of durians. > > He goes "YOW" and then he picks up a durian and throws it at one > > of the bad guys. He then throws several more durians at bad guys. > > Yeah, but he gets it back in Police Story III when he falls into an open > traincar of durians. You misspelled "open sewer on railroad tracks". Hope this helps. We need to come up with a fruit which is (a) more stinkiest and (b) more pointiest and (c) more expensivest than durians just so we can get the durians out of the Guiness Book because, hey, it's supposed to be about beer, not the world's most expensive fruit that nobody likes. I propose we call this new fruit "glinkweed". Its special property is that it's filled with a mixture of durian puree and pork rind vapor at a pressure of approximately five hundred atmospheres, so when you poke it it goes *BANG* and sprays glinkweed guts all over, and it's also covered with thorns shaped like caltrops, barbed fishhooks, and tuberculosis test instruments, all of which get hurled at you when it pops, and they all exude a natural tattoo dye to make sure you remember your first glinkweed. It smells sort of like used asafetida, and tastes sort of like the inside of your own brain. (How does the glinkweed know whose brain is going to do the tasting? Some things, science doesn't want to know!) Glinkweed fruits weigh about fifteen pounds and sell for twenty dollars a pound, and can be purchased anywhere you don't go. Also, one in every five thousand is harmless and smells and tastes good, but has incredible addictive powers. And with every glinkweed fruit you buy, you get a free T-shirt which says "I AM CARRYING A GLINKWEED FRUIT RIGHT NOW" which you have to put on before you can leave the store. And it's soaked in glinkweed sap. I should mention that glinkweed sap is used to make rubber-like products, such as vinyl chairs that smell really bad and rubber bondage hoods that smell really bad. The leaves of the glinkweed plant are reknowned for their toxic properties, as they can kill you if you merely look at them. And the stalk, well, the glinkweed grows so fast that in World War II the Japanese would torture people by tying them spread-eagled face-down with a glinkweed seedling in front of their mouth so that a glinkweed fruit would grow into their open mouth wihin hours. (Glinkweed vapor acts as a potent muscle relaxant but only affects the lower half of the face, so that anyone who goes near a store that sells glinkweed fruits will drool open-mouthed for the rest of the week. Because of this, dentists often smear glinkweed puree on the gums of dental patients immediately after surgery to fool them into thinking the Novocain actually did something, and to encourage them to brush their teeth about a hundred times that day.) Glinkweed husks, because of their prickly nature, are used by Trobriand island natives to make a special kind of sandpaper which is used for scrubbing the skin off of sharks and grinding down diamonds. And the roots are a potent aphrosdisiac, but only to botulism germs. The National Glinkweed Fruit Grower's Association wants to remind YOU to STUFF YOUR FACE WITH GLINKWEED TODAY AND EVERY DAY!!! GLINKWEED IS COOL!!! -- K. Also, I forgot to mention the best thing about the evil glinkweed fruit: IT'S INVISIBLE, AND COVERED WITH NATURAL KRAZY GLUE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Jackie Chan and the Durian Connexion Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 11:04:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > We need to come up with a fruit which is (a) more stinkiest and > > (b) more pointiest and (c) more expensivest than durians just so we > > can get the durians out of the Guiness Book because, hey, it's supposed > > to be about beer, not the world's most expensive fruit that nobody likes. > > I nominate bananas. But they don't stink. Until it's JUST TOO LATE TO CARE. > The only thing bananas are good for are the cute little "Babe: Pig in the > City" stickers that are now found all over Dole bananas. You forgot that without bananas there would be no wacky clowns breaking their necks! > Also, without bananas, you can't have banana hangers. Hey, if there were no bananas, no bananas today, or ever, I would run right out and buy a Banana Hanger(TM). In fact, that's the ONLY thing that could make me buy one. > Also also plus, my cat Spam once carried an entire banana around the house > for no reason at all. Awwwwww, how cuuute... CATS ARE STUPID! I would have been more worried if it had been less than an entire banana. (Spam is thinking, "Let's see... put the peel at the top of the stairs... hide the rest of the evidence in the cat box... maybe she'll think I just ate a lot of pale yellow food today.") > So I nominate bananas for everything. For Best Fruit. For Worst Fruit. > For the Democratic Presidential Candidate in 2000. You weren't here in 1991, were you? I wrote a story where Spot became President because of bananas. Or at least their name. But I don't think I ever posted it, so now I'm going to have to punish you for referring to it. I would do that by posting it, because it wasn't very good, but I think I threw it out. I don't know why I would ever through out anything I wrote, even if it was the worst thing in the world, which it can't have been because *I* wrote it, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. Which is just as well, because six years later I reconstituted the idea into a parody of the "What's Right With America!" TV special and then incorporated that into Episode #4 of "The Special Show". In the 1991-era story, Spot received a lobotomy, which left him unable to say anything but "ba-NA-na". Fortunately, people kept asking him questions where the answer "ba-NA-na" made him seem witty or at least smarter than a lobotomized puppy should be, so he became President. I forget what happened then, probably just the world blowing up or something else boring. Here's a chunk of the fourth installment of "The Special Show", with the non-banana-related parts removed. -- K. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO REMOVE NON-BANANA-RELATED STUFF! /// re-run /// re-run /// re-run /// re-run /// re-run /// re-run /// re-run /// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: THE SPECIAL SHOW! Episode #4 (new) Summary: Don't complain if you're too smart to get it. Keywords: The Special Show, dammit! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.slack Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 18:40:15 GMT AT LONG LAST! The "lost" fourth episode of THE SPECIAL SHOW! (Portions of this program were previously aired in alt.religion.kibology with more misspellings.) -- T H E S P E C I A L S H O W >-----------------------------< episode #4: EVERYBODY LOVES FUDGE (first broadcast 7/10/97) Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry <-----------------------------------> FADE IN: We are in an all-white padded room with no apparent doors or windows. A NURSE, who looks like a female Michael Moore, is whacking the viewer with a large broom. NURSE Take that! ... and that! ... (stops whacking) Oh, it's YOU. I forgot, I'm required to let you watch... The Special Show. She thumps the wall with her fist. A small secret door is opened from the outside and someone shoves a small white plastic TV into the room. The screen shows the revolving chrome logo of THE SPECIAL SHOW. ANNOUNCER (V.O.) THE!!! SPECIAL!!! SHOW!!! NURSE And when you're done watching TV it's time for your OTHER medication. CUT TO: KIBO, our host, is a man that crazy people know and trust. He is dressed as Caligula, and is standing in front of a large photographic backdrop of the Colloseum in Rome. Behind him, people are running back and forth with torches, screaming, while a guy in a gorilla suit chases them. KIBO Hello, and welcome to the fourth episode of The Special Show, the show which is only understandable by very special people! I am your host, Kibo! Let the wackiness begin! GUY WITH BRIEFCASE I am waiting for a bus. A bus falls on him. Blood comes out from under it. Several LITTLE GIRLS run over excitedly, dip their hands in the blood, and lick them. MUSIC: DANCE OF THE CUCKOOS CUT TO: TITLE CARD: EVERYONE LOVES LUCY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Everyone Loves Lucy! DISSOLVE TO: Office interior. LUCY and her new BOSS are there. There is an open pit/vat of chocolate syrup set into the floor. BOSS Lucy, welcome to your new job at my accounting firm. Your job is to do an interpretive dance representing Dan Rather. And whatever you do... don't fall into that pit filled with chocolate syrup. LUCY Okay! BOSS Now get to work. I'll come back to check on you at midnight. LUCY Okey dokey! Bye bye! The BOSS exits and LUCY begins twirling around slowly with her arms outstretched. LUCY La la la la, look at me, I'm Dan Rather, la la la... There is a flash of light and MICHAEL JORDAN materializes next to her. LUCY Wow, Michael Jordan! MICHAEL JORDAN Lucy, I'm here to remind all the people watching that the kids on the little bus all grew up to be very special, even if they're misunderstood and locked in mental institutions. Someday they'll conquer the world and show us all! LUCY Right on! MICHAEL JORDAN Oh, and I almost forgot-- He pushes LUCY into the vat of chocolate syrup and disappears again. LUCY I can't swim! Help me, Michael Jordan! Help! Help! Waaaaaaaaah! Two WORKMEN in overalls carry a huge Tupperware lid onto the set. They seal it over the top of the vat. Then they set a desk and chair on top of the lid. KIBO, still wearing his toga, enters and sits at the desk. KIBO I hope you're enjoying The Special Show as much as I'm enjoying it. That last sketch was great, wasn't it? And it was funny because it was true! And now from the world of truth to the world of science... [...several scenes that didn't mention bananas, including a visit to the world's stinkiest science museum...] CUT TO: KIBO is still in his toga front of his backdrop. Slow zoom on him during this speech. KIBO (ominously) Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to warn you that the following dramatization did not actually happen. It is a work of fiction. It DID NOT HAPPEN. DISSOLVE TO: STOCK FOOTAGE: AIRPLANE LANDING TRUMAN BRADLEY (played by himself) is at an airport customs counter showing his passport to the CUSTOMS OFFICIAL. TRUMAN BRADLEY Hi, I'm Truman Bradley. It's good to be back here in America after seven years in my undersea research laboratory. Is my job still open teaching science class at the local high school? CUSTOMS OFFICIAL All high schools were converted to pet cemeteries after all pets were killed on order of the President. TRUMAN What? Who is the President? CUSTOMS OFFICIAL I'm not allowed to release that information. TRUMAN Why? CUSTOMS OFFICIAL (at the top of his lungs) He asked a stupid question!!! Get him!!! Several THUGS drop through trapdoors in the ceiling. They all wear black leather jodhpurs, black leather cooks' jackets, and black motorcycle helmets with silvered visors. TRUMAN runs away. The THUGS chase him into a room with a huge crate labelled "IMPOUNDED: ILLEGAL RECREATIONAL VEHICLE". TRUMAN runs into the crate and bursts through the other side on a mini-bike. He crashes through a wall of the airport building and jumps the bike over a chain-link fence. He is free! TRUMAN stops the bike at his old home town, in front of a street sign which says "YOURTOWN, USA". The town is extremely dilapidated. Tumbleweeds blow around. TRUMAN gets off the bike and walks over to a guy sitting on a porch. It is POPEYE, and he is whittling his forearm. TRUMAN Who are you? Why are you here? POPEYE (robot voice) I yam what I yam... Error! Error! Sparks shoot out of the bolts in POPEYE's neck and his head bursts into flames. TRUMAN away. He comes to a MAN in a black and white horizontally striped shirt and domino mask. He is pulling a chain, towing a wheeled cage with a WOMAN inside. She wears a snood. MAN #1 A woman's place is at her man's side... in a cage! WOMAN #1 Please help me, they made me wear a snood! TRUMAN runs away again, then meets up with another man, COOLIDGE MERCER (played by Michael O'Hare.) TRUMAN Why, it's my old friend, Coolidge Mercer! How are your kids? COOLIDGE (uncaring) The government took them away this morning and recycled them into pet food. TRUMAN Why did they do that if all the pets were killed? COOLIDGE (uncaring) It is for the good of the country. It's what's right for America! INSERT: EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF HUGE LOBOTOMY SCAR ON COOLIDGE'S FOREHEAD MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING COOLIDGE begins to laugh creepily. INSERT: CLOSE-UP OF TRUMAN'S TERRIFIED FACE MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING TRUMAN screams and runs away. He sees something down the street. TRUMAN Well, at least they haven't taken away public restrooms! In the middle of the street, he goes into an all-glass booth with a toilet inside. He sits on the toilet. Suddenly five THUGS smash through the glass and grab him. TRUMAN Help! Why are you doing this? THUG #1 That's the last time you'll ever ask a stupid question, Mr. Big Brain! Say goodbye to your counterculture-oriented frontal lobes! THUG #1 fires up a chainsaw and cuts off the top quarter of TRUMAN'S skull. THUG #1 Now how does it feel to be a model citizen? TRUMAN Ba-NA-na! THUG #1 You won't be asking any more stupid questions now, will you? TRUMAN Ba-NA-na! THUG #1 Because our State is merciful, you will be given a job and living quarters. All you will have to do is stand on your head in a vat of electrically heated cow manure! TRUMAN Ba-NA-na! DISSOLVE TO: TRUMAN's feet are sticking out of a huge vat of cow manure. TRUMAN (muffled) Ba-NA-na! Two THUGS drag LUCILLE BALL, wearing a snood, into the frame. LUCY Waaah! I don't like wearing a snood! They throw her into the vat. LUCY (muffled) This isn't chocolate! Waaaaaah! TRUMAN (muffled) Ba-NA-na! MUSIC: MUSIC-BOX PLAYING "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" AT HALF SPEED CAMERA SLOWLY PANS to reveal a weather-beaten sign which says "WELCOME TO AMERIKKKKKKA". We see it for a few seconds, then "AMERIKKKKKKA" falls off to reveal it originally said "WELCOME TO THE BETTY CROCKER BAKE-OFF". MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING (TWICE) CUT TO BLACK MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING SLOW FADE IN: KIBO (now in a business suit) and TRUMAN BRADLEY are sitting on a porch, drinking lemonade. KIBO Tonight's drama did not actually happen. Truman Bradley is still safe and well. TRUMAN I am enjoying a glass of lemonade here on my porch, thanks to the freedoms we take for granted in America! KIBO But tonight's drama could happen if we ever let down our guard. We must protect the rights we have. Truman Bradley need not have a lobotomy as long as we protect this... (holds up a scroll) ...the Declaration of Independence. Pause. KIBO rips up the Declaration of Independence. Two THUGS grab Truman and pitch him over the porch railing into a vat of manure. TRUMAN (muffled) BANANA! BANANA! BANANA! MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING (THREE TIMES) FADE TO BLACK FADE IN: TITLE CARD: IT COULD HAPPEN ANY DAY NOW FX: OMINOUS HUMMING NOISE FADE TO BLACK FADE IN: KIBO, in the toga, in front of the Colloseum backdrop. KIBO Wow! That was sure scary. It was a warning we must heed! But first, let's watch more of The Special Show! [...several more scenes that didn't mention bananas, including the famous gym teacher segment...] MUSIC: WACKY CLOWN TUNE WITH XYLOPHONE AND SLIDE WHISTLES Several GIRLS IN BIKINIS run around the warehouse in fast motion. PULL BACK VERY FAST to reveal that this is on the screen of the white TV in the padded room. The front and sides of the TV fall off, and it is filled with thousands of big spiders. They crawl all over. Another little door opens in the padded wall, and we see the face of the NURSE. NURSE Don't laugh at the spiders, it'll just make them mad! See ya! CUT TO: TITLE CARD: THE END ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The end! This was a production of The Special Industry. CUT TO: A brief shot of the dead GYM TEACHER with spiders crawling on him. LUCILLE BALL (V.O.) Don't laugh at the spiders! Waaaaaaaaaah! CUT TO BLACK END ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kellogg To Push Upscale Cereal Packaged in Bags Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 10:41:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.materials, Charles Kessler (submissions@net-market.com) adverti^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hposted a newsletter: > > ============================================================ > Packaging Network Newsletter by Bill Noone I used to love those "Family Circus" cartoons where Dad is looking at an advertisement in sci.materials and says "WHO WROTE THIS?" and all the kids say "NOONE!" and there's this round invisible guy giggling in the corner next to NOTME and IDA KNOW and a dozen dead grandparents. > Volume 2 Issue 10 > Tuesday, December 29, 1998 > ============================================================ > > [...] > > 2) Kellogg To Push Upscale Cereal Packaged in Bags > In an effort to revive a soft cereal market, Why would anyone want to buy soft cereal? I like Lucky Charms because the marshmallows are rock-hard, dammit! Would anyone buy Grape Nuts if they were chewable? And what about Weetabix? > Kellogg Co. has announced > plans for an upscale product extension packaged in bags. Mmm, a cereal extension. "Sawdust added for fiber!" > The new Country Inn Specialties line will not feature the Kellogg > name on its packaging nor be marketed as a Kellogg's product. I'm sure I will actually be fooled into thinking this is the same fake Cheerios that the average Vermont Bed'N'Breakfast makes from scratch. And I never knew materials science had so much to do with which cereals were considered upscale! > [...] > > 1) PalletWorld Palletizing Robot Now, I'd have to say that this is a MUCH prettier name than "Country Inn Specialties upscale product extension." > [...] > > 2) CP-922 Automated Random Carton Sealer Guarantees that a different subset of cartons will be sealed every time! > [...] > > 3) Icore Metal Detector/Checkweigher Combo Unit > > The Icore Metal Detector/Checkweigher Combo Unit from Ramsey provides > both checkweighing and metal detection with minimum space requirement > utilizing the new MetalScout IIe metal detector. Wow, that's the version that can do lowercase without needing the 80-column card to be added. I have an ancient General Electric propaganda booklet (donated by Mike Jittlov) titled "THE STORY OF X-RAY". To illustrate the usefulness of X-rays, they show an X-ray of a trayful of peanuts with some large, industrial-size nuts and bolts mixed in. The peanuts are spread out in a single layer. Now, I ask you, who CAN'T see quarter-inch bolts mixed in with peanuts when they're spread out? Maybe the X-raying helps you find the giant bolts in case they're hidden INSIDE a tiny peanut. The photo showing the nuts and bolts sticking out like sore thumbs among the transparent peanuts also has large white arrows drawn on it pointing to the foreign objects, because General Electric not only thinks you're too dumb to tell a bolt from a peanut by eye, but that you can't even do it WITH their X-ray machine. -- K. Next time I go to the hospital I'm gonna eat some peanuts and wingnuts right before drinking the barium milkshake. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kellogg To Push Upscale Cereal Packaged in Bags Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:18:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Yes, I'm following up to my own article. If Archie can do it, I can. I just wrote some silly comments on: > > ============================================================ > Packaging Network Newsletter by Bill Noone > Volume 2 Issue 10 > Tuesday, December 29, 1998 > ============================================================ And now I've written a review of their Web site for a daily newsletter to which I sometimes contribute, because I'm so bankrupt of ideas that I'm getting URLs from spam. Excerpt: --------------------------------------------------------------------------- URL: Packaging Network http://www.packagingnetwork.com Packaging Network is an on-line industry newsletter for people who want to read about machines that put things into boxes. It's a field I seldom think about, yet it touches on so many topics. For instance, the current issue has an article (what some would call "a press release") about Kellogg's attempt to produce "an upscale product extension" of cereals in bags with the Kellogg name removed. You can also see photos of equipment YOU can buy for your factory with fascinating names such as "Model Y1930 Poly Bag Uncuffer" and "PalletWorld Palletizing Robot". ("Kirk to Enterprise, I'm trapped on PalletWorld, and the robots are palletizing me!") And the best article title in the current issue: "Sensory Analysis Tracks Flavor-Package Interactions" I.e. some plastics taste like plastic! > For this particular project, panelist sensitivity and resistance to > "taste fatigue" were key considerations. I.e. only people who don't mind tasting icky things were asked to determine whether this tasted good. (kibo) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The ironic part about that is that because he posted his newsletter about cereal wrappers to the material-science newsgroup, I called it "spam", but now I'm posting a portion of *my* newsletter to the net and I'm calling it "very special". Isn't the above very special? -- K. "Sorry, Spot, you're not very special." "Waah! I'm JUST SPECIAL!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kook Reporting? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 11:20:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.usenet.kooks, Robert J. Colbert (rjcolbert@home.com) wrote: > > Okay, let's assume that a kook has a somewhat visible, public position in > life. But, they're a kook, and it's very evident. Say they also break some > real-world laws. Is it a bad thing if the kook is reported to their officers > at their public post? The kook also has a "day job," the public office isn't > his/her mainstay. In fact, the public thing is probably 100% non-profit and > non-income for them. They like it. A lot. > > [...] > > I'm pretty sure you guys have already publicly recognized the kook about > whom I am speaking, but I withhold the kook's identity purely because I can. This is about that LSD I sold to one of the Teletubbies, isn't it? > I do, however, appreciate any and all feedback given. I should warn you that the only reason I am responding to your post which does not concern me (unless you know about me selling LSD to Tinky-Winky) is that I harbor some small hope that you are the same Robert Colbert who starred in "The Time Tunnel". Hey, in episode #7, "Revenge of the Gods", when Sergeant Jiggs had to walk all the way from the far end of the Time Tunnel and the scientist said that the Tunnel "goes to infinity!" why did it not take him an infinite amount of time to walk from one end to the other? I think that would have made the show much more exciting and realistic. Also, I understand why James Darren's green sweater had to reappear at the end of every episode, due to physics and stuff, but why did it go "ZONK!" in some episodes and "SPROING!" in others? -- K. So please don't fax anyone about me selling LSD to the Teletubbies because no kook could know so much about The Time Tunnel! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kook Reporting? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:55:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In alt.usenet.kooks, Robert J. Colbert (rjcolbert@home.com) wrote: > > > > > > I do, however, appreciate any and all feedback given. > > > > [...] I harbor some small hope that you are the same Robert Colbert > > who starred in "The Time Tunnel". > > So there are three Robert Colberts: > > 1. The one from "The Time Tunel" > 2. The one who programs Atari 2600 games > 3. This guy. > > That's a lot. I know less Bill Smiths than this. You left out all the Identical Ancestors the one on The Time Tunnel probably had, like how Whit Bissell as General Kirk had a French ancestor named Jay-nay-ral Querque who looked just like him and was even the same age as him at all times, and how Carroll O'Connor was also a general who had an identical ancestor who was also a general in the Revolutionary war. I'm sure Robert Colbert must have had hundreds of identical ancestors throughout time which we never got to see because the show got cancelled so quickly. In fact, because he probably slept with all those beautiful women of the past, some of his identical ancestors were probably his children. We're just lucky he didn't mate with any of the silver people from the future (all people more advanced than us on Irwin Allen shows were covered in metal-flake paint) or there would be a Robert Colbert Jr. running around with half his face painted silver and then he'd be confused with Maxtor, the Mexican pro wrestler who chases people through the giant ant farm on "El Gran Juego de la Oca". You also left out the Robert Colbert who was paired up with Roenrie Colernie in early "Sesame Street" episodes before Jim Henson "came down", and the Robert Colbert who discovered that you could cross Colby cheese with Filbert nuts while working with his partner, Filby. -- K. WE CREATIVE PEOPLE MAKE UP PUNS THAT CLEVER AND COMPLEX ALL THE TIME! WE LIKE OURSELVES AND WE KNOW YOU KNOW IT! MUH! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kook Reporting? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 09:44:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Robert J. Colbert (rjcolbert@home.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I should warn you that the only reason I am responding to your post > > which does not concern me (unless you know about me selling LSD to > > Tinky-Winky) is that I harbor some small hope that you are the same > > Robert Colbert who starred in "The Time Tunnel". > > I think selling LSD to Tinky-Winky might be a good thing to do. I won't > report you. I promise. Anyway, I knew that I couldn't hide my past from you because about three- quarters of the way into the episode, Whit Bissell would say "It's too bad we don't have some way to find out what Kibo did years ago." and then there would be a studious pause and then Lee Meriwether would say, "Wait... this is a Time Tunnel!" and switch on the Time Television screen shaped like a pair of parenthesis. Then they'd watch stock footage from a Hal Roach dinosaur movie for a while, only it would be shown through a brown filter so you wouldn't realize it was in black and white. Everyone knows they only had sepiatone movies back when the dinosaurs were alive! > > Hey, in episode #7, "Revenge of the Gods", when Sergeant Jiggs had to walk > > all the way from the far end of the Time Tunnel and the scientist said that > > the Tunnel "goes to infinity!" why did it not take him an infinite amount > > of time to walk from one end to the other? I think that would have made > > the show much more exciting and realistic. > > So did I, but the producers and director wouldn't allow it. The network > sponsors threatened to pull from the show if we only showed this guy walking > in a tunnel for the rest of time. But, it would have made life easier on the > set. Also, the set of The Time Tunnel was conical despite the fact that it went to infinity. When you chased the evil Robert Duvall behind it that was quite clear, and once Lee Meriwether cut her leg on the point at the far end of it in the episode with the time-traveling pirates. Don't you agree that this makes Irwin Allen a big fat liar? Why didn't his team of scientific advisors help him make it look right? > > Also, I understand why James Darren's green sweater had to reappear at > > the end of every episode, due to physics and stuff, but why did it > > go "ZONK!" in some episodes and "SPROING!" in others? > > Because the sound engineers, knowing of your appreciation for the show and > predicting that you would some day sell LSD to Tinky-Winky gave it a try > first, then invented Tinky-Winky the Teletubbie. But, they did get the > show's sfx all wrong. Sorry about that. Tinky-Winky is an Irwin Allen creation? Hmm. I always wondered what happened to Debbie The Bloop after the first season... Has anyone else ever pointed out that Debbie The Bloop was wearing Spock ears before Spock was ("Lost In Space" premiered before "Star Trek") and also Debbie The Bloop was wearing a fur diaper and Spock wasn't? I think this speaks volumes about Leonard Nimoy's clout. If they had cast Martin Landau as Spock, he might not have been able to refuse to wear the diaper! -- K. Also, if Martin Landau had been Spock, he would have had blue skin. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New Years is for Idiots Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 10:20:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.geo.geology, mikejm@westworld.com, who has no Real Name, wrote: > > New Years in geological terms is meaningless. Yeah, but in geological terms, "Space: 1999" is also meaningless. And so are YOU! Ha! I have destroyed your entire geocentric theory! > It is an arbritrary day "All colors are arbitrary." -- Carl Sagan, "Cosmos" (paperback edition) > set aside by a bunch of superstitious Roman religioso's to denote the > passing of another "year". These years are not even properly > calibrated to the sidereal cycle and every four (or so) years must be > recalibrated to satisfy these religious idiots. Worse, every DAY they have to be recalibrated! If these "calendar" things worked we wouldn't have to keep pulling off those sheets with the numbers on them! We'd just put up one stupid Dilbert cartoon and leave it there FOREVER! > This holiday is typically celebrated by drinking excessive amounts of > alcohol, commiting adultury, acts of vandalism, and eating too many > bon bon's in front of the telly. > > Responsible geologists ought to avoid this Pagon celebration. AND IMPEECH REAGON !!!!!1111 > > > o | | o > _ _ _ | | _ _ _ _ > / |/ |/ | | |/_) |/ | / |/ |/ | > | | |_/ |_/ | \_/ |__/ |/ | | |_/ > /| > \| > Today or Tomorrow??TOMATO/TOMOTTO!! Dear "milk eisrc", You spelled "tomato" wrong. Hope this helps! -- K. P.S. Have you met Lee Bumgarner? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.leo-dicaprio,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: NEWBIES: Here is THE list of your enemies Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 08:27:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor beable@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > Mark Sharpe (Phsycokilla@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > I hate leonardo dacapprio I thin he is a little bitch and a whiner. I > > would pay my life savinge to beable to kick his > > ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > Dear Mark > > We here at Beable Industries ACCEPT YOUR OFFER!!! Please > send us your life savings and we will KICK LEONARDO > DICRAPIO'S BUTT!!!! Mr. Beable, if that *is* your legal name, why would you *want* Mr. Sharpe's life syringe? (KIBO SUDDENLY SWERVES THIS MESSAGE TO AVOID A PUN. SEVERAL OTHER MESSAGES ARE FORCED OFF THE ROAD, GO THROUGH THE GUARD RAIL, DOWN THE CLIFFSIDE, AND EXPLODE, WHILE PONCH AND JON GIVE KIBO A SPECIAL MEDAL FOR NOT MAKING A "SHARPS BOX" PUN.) > Anybody else who wishes to take advantage of Beable Industries > Celebrity Butt-Kicking Service, please send us your requirements! I will never make the above pun if you kick Bob Hope's butt until he's dead, dead, dead. Or at least crying like a girl. > cheers > beable van beable > Celebrity Butt-Kicker to the STARS!! Also I want you to kick the butt of "Thing" on "The Addams Family". Including the "New Uorker" cartoon, the black and white TV series, the bad Hanna-Barbera cartoon, the movies, the marginally less bad Hanna-Barbera cartoon, the theatrically unreleasable movie sequel with Tim Curry and Daryl Hannah made by the Power Rangers people, and the "The New Addams Family" series that the Fox Family Channel is now making two episodes a day of now that they're not owned by Pat Robertson any more and can revel in the world's mildest Satanism. Please report back here when you've kicked Thing's butt in all those TV shows, movies, cartoons, and doodles and I'll give you Mr. Sharpe's life savings. -- K. Also, if you kick Leo's butt and he doesn't cry and whine, you have to apologize to him for calling him a crying whiner, then keep kicking his butt until he becomes one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.leo-dicaprio,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: NEWBIES: Here is THE list of your enemies Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 08:30:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor beable@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (KIBO SUDDENLY SWERVES THIS MESSAGE TO AVOID A PUN. SEVERAL OTHER > > MESSAGES ARE FORCED OFF THE ROAD, GO THROUGH THE GUARD RAIL, DOWN THE > > CLIFFSIDE, AND EXPLODE, WHILE PONCH AND JON GIVE KIBO A SPECIAL MEDAL > > FOR NOT MAKING A "SHARPS BOX" PUN.) > > Thank goodness for that. Those biohazard signs are SO SPIKY! > Which reminds me of the little boy I saw on TV. I think he > was in Thailand. He chased the reporter around until he > managed to snatch the sunglasses off her head. Then he ate > one of the lenses. After that he ran around madly eating things, > mostly glass things. He ate: a drinking glass, a fluorescent > tube, a razor blade, a big piece of raw meat and he drank > some gasoline. They took him to the hospital and x-rayed > his guts to see all the crap in there. He then tried to > eat the x-ray but the doctor snatched it off him just in > time. SO DON'T EAT BIOHAZARD SIGNS! They should put some kind of warning on them to label them as being dangerous. I prefer the "carcinogen" symbol, which you see less often. It looks like this: ##### ##### ############ ######## ############ ##### ##### #### ##### ##### ############ ######## ############ ##### ##### #### ##### ##### ############ ######## ############ ##### ##### It always makes me think "BROKEN WEB LINKS AHEAD". It's a clever three- way visual pun: Chain links to suggest replication, a broken-up DNA helix, and "C"s for "CANCER, CARCINOGEN, CYCLAMATES, CHEMICALS". You can even sing along with it if you pretend it's the "SEE, SEE, SEE!" chorus of the "Tennessee Tuxedo" theme song. PARACHUTING FOR HIS PLEASURE! SAILING SEAS IN SEARCH OF TREASURE! ANYTHING TO MEASURE... UP TO MEN! IT'S CARCINOGENIC TUXEDO! A SMALL PENGUIN, HE TRIES BUT CAN'T SUCCEED-O! The only problem with the "carcinogen" symbol is that I don't know why it's only used in some newspaper zodiac columns. -- K. Do all Moon Children have to change zodiac signs after September 13, 1999? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.leo-dicaprio From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: NEWBIES: Here is THE list of your enemies Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 02:13:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor DoctorAaron@webtv.net (Aaron A.) wrote: > > Something foul is afoot, and it's using a WebTV. Or vice versa. > WARNING: Overexposure to DoctorAaron may cause nosebleed and sense of > invincibility. I think you misspelled "sense of smell". Hope this helps. > When not to use DoctorAaron, please to keep in polybag. Waah! I only have a monobag! -- K. I like WebTV users, I really do. Even if Dr. Aaron is completely atypical of them. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.leo-dicaprio From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: NEWBIES: Here is THE list of your enemies Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 02:20:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > beable@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > > > In alt.fan.leo-dicaprio, "Sam Viscious" (gwizimeuruok@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > > > seven cardstud is a pussy game. Its either FIVE CARD STUD or FIVE CARD, > > > JACKS OR BETTER TO OPEN, DRAW THREE. > > > > HA! Those are games that only GURLS would play! REAL MEN > > PLAY THE BEST CARD GAME IN THE UNIVERSE, OR ANYWHERE > > ELSE, CRIBBAGE! That's right, CRIBBAGE! > > According to the lame Freeware version of cribbage I've got on my machine > I've played 2669 games (it counts double and triple wins as 2 and 3 games > played, respectively). Of those I've won 1784 and lost 885. Not just 885. You're forgetting to factor in the hundreds of hours of that you've lost forever, depriving civiliation of your talents whilst you sit around in your underwear (assuming it is yours) playing a card game on a $2,000 computer with pretend cards. REAL men only play one card game, called "WALLOP ANY SISSY WHO LIKES CARD GAMES, OWNS A COMPUTER, OR KNOWS WHO LEONARDO DiCAPRIO IS." And they NEVER lose, because losing is for LOSERS!!! -- K. I play Pac-Man with real cards and not a computer. MY MOUTH TASTES LIKE PAPER CUTS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Note to future employers Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:43:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > Subject: Note to future employers > > I take document security very seriously. > > I just cut an old credit card into 16 little bits, one for each number, > after scraping the signature off, and burned them over my stove. > > The plastic fumes will not affect my job performance. Note to Louis Nick's future employers: He's lying, the bank cut it up for him. Also, he was using the credit card to arrange "lines" of cocaine and it had residue all over it so the reason he was cooking the card was to freebase, and for safety he was wearing his wife's apron and high heels. Please hire Louis, as he is a very good worker, he can pull levers for hours on end if he has enough credit at the casino. He has never once missed an appointment, because none have been granted, and he has the cleanest fingernails in the world because they're easy to clean when they're that big. He is a tidy person and keeps his jars of urine neat and organized. He has never committed a sin such as having sex. Also, I am not jealous of the fact that he has a credit card. So, can I have his job? -- K. A DEBIT CARD IS BETTER THAN A CREDIT CARD BECAUSE I NEVER HAVE TO PAY THE BILLS, SO I'M COOL! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Nuclear hits on IRAQ Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 10:14:49 GMT Distribution: inet Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In a discussion started by some bozo who thinks the U.S. just dropped nuclear weapons on Iraq, in sci.philosophy.meta, sci.philosophy.tech, sci.physics, and sci.physics.electromag, "Travis" (travis77@concentric.net) wrote: > > [...] > > The government is not that BIG BROTHER a > cop has to enforce a law and they have famlies. In a realted story, topologists have discovered that sometimes it requires MORE than four colors to diagram a sentence. -- K. Whatever happened to the concept of making sense? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Nuclear hits on IRAQ Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:26:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > "Travis" (travis77@concentric.net) wrote: > > > > > > The government is not that BIG BROTHER a > > > cop has to enforce a law and they have famlies. > > > > In a realted story, topologists have discovered that sometimes it requires > > MORE than four colors to diagram a sentence. > > Which also reminds me, that Faulkner wanted to color-code the first > chapter of "The Sound and the Fury" so's that it would be more > understandable. I like that you took the moral high ground and didn't criticize the fact that I mis-typed "related" while commenting on someone's unparsable sentence-like glob of words. > The publishers wouldn't do it. Faulker went ahead and > wrote it all confusing anyways. > Just imagine how different life would be if Faulker and "Travis" could > have had access to four or more colors. If Faulkner were alive today, he's be posting his novels to the Internet from a WebTV, and all the dirty parts would have .... And people would post followups saying "HEY! YOUR NAME LOOKS LIKE AN ANAGRAM BUT IT ISN'T! SIGNED, DAG BENSEMA-LENORT!" > Whatever happened to the concept of making sense? > > I'll tell you that if you tell me what ever happened to the concept of > plain, old fashioned, not mint and not almond and not pastel M&M's. Ha! You're making me feel old-tymey because I can remember the days when you could get PLAIN ROLLER SKATES that weren't even in color and... the wheels... weren't... in... a... straight... line! THEY USED TO HAVE TWO-DIMEONSIONAL ROLLER SKATES, NOW THEY HAVE ONE-DIMENSIONAL ROLLER SKATES! WHY DON'T THEY JUST ELIMINATE THE MIDDLEMAN AND PUT ONLY ONE WHEEL ON EACH FOOT? -- K. I hereby call dibs on the trademark "Uniskaytles". "Only a CIRCUS CLOWN would ride a unicycle with a BIG wheel! We've taken all the FUN of a unicycle and BROUGHT IT HOME! Now you can wear unicycles all day! UNISKAYTLES! UNICYCLES FOR YOUR FEET!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.kia-mennie,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Same to you, and more of it Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 07:49:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor K.M. Mennie (ay028@FreeNet.Carleton.CA) wrote: > > I meant to make a "happy holidays" post and stuff but ran out of time. Well, HAP HOL to you, too! > I am going to try to make up for it here. You would make a better impression if you put on your makeup _before_ posting to the Internet. Boys don't like girls who don't wear makeup. > I already posted about my tap water being labelled contaminated; My tap water has been labelled "CAUTION: CONTENTS MAY BE HOT OR COLD." > I may've mentioned the power outages, I may have caused them, > I do not believe I mentioned the forest fire yet. Oh! Sorry I didn't start it in time. > I have just seen a poll asking me what I thought of a poll. So what did you think of that? Did you take a survey to figure out what your opinion should be? What sort of fake mustache was Ted's lawyer wearing? > Here is the sad part: Michael J. Fox's soon-to-deteriorate mental state > must've been obvious to those close to him even as far back as "Back to > the Future," since there is NO WAY you could mistake that for a real > building, or even a real freakin' clock! The "bricks" are peeling like a > bad scab! Plus every other set was 1 000 times worse! Do not ever go to > Hollywood or it will ruin your impression of Hollywood! Two months ago, the impish and diminutive Matthew Broderick revealed he developed Parkinson's disease at an unusually early age. Now, the news tells me that the impish and diminutive Michael J. Fox also developed Parkinson's disease at an unusually early age. I THINK IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS WHICH ONE OF THEM GAVE WHICH SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE TO A DIFFERENT YET NEARLY IDENTICAL ACTOR!!! And it makes it harder to tell them apart, unless I'm confused and only one of them has it, or worse, NEITHER OF THEM HAS IT! This reminds me of the time that George Bush, Barbara Bush, and Millie the dog all were diagnosed with Graves' Disease. Which they got from being on A&E's "Biography". Anyway, I'm hoping that Michael and/or Matthew at least infect Bob Hope while they have a chance. -- K. Sick, sick, sick! Those two are sick! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Scary album pictures Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 13:27:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Aaron A." (DoctorAaron@webtv.net) wrote: > > [re compact disc art] > > I could go on for hours about bands that you've prolly never heard of, > but I, unlike Mr. Parry, am not 31337 enough to say, "I am not making > this up," so you wouldn't believe me anyway. Oh, come on, NOBODY would believe you were capable of making something up after they saw your E-mail address, Mr. The Only Kibologist With A WebTV. > -- Aaron I. "From now on, I shall be known as 'Dawson Ensworth, serious > playwright.'" Allensworth How about Wulfram Webteeveedlium, The Tag Of Science? Fun fact: Everyone here keeps putting down Netscape's tag and everything about WebTV. But one of the many things WebTV can't do is to show . However, WebTVs have their own means of being typographically obnoxious: , and the versatile yet unreadable . (Transparent 3-D type looks especially nice against a background that constantly moves diagonally, another imaginative WebTV way to make Web pages that are extra-illegible.) The only font on WebTVs is Helvetica (in regular, bold, and ); you have three settings for your preferred size, "Small", "Medium", and "Large", which are (I think) 18, 21, and 24 points tall. (Or they would be on a computer with a 72-dots-per-inch screen like an old Mac; on a TV set they would usually be much larger.) The default, of course, is the gigantic "Large". (For filling out 80-column forms, there's also a smaller monospaced font which is the Mac's Monaco font with the Helvetica "a" pasted in.) Anyway, WebTVs display everything in BIG BLURRY HELVETICA which should tell you everything you need to know about their typography. WebTVs also automatically insert "smart quotes" (in other words, they turn '99 into `99) unless you say to make the WebTV be NOSMARTER than you would expect half a Web browser tied to a TV set to be. Other fun WebTV facts: You can make Web pages which have forms which are *automatically* submitted when a WebTV visitor finds them, and you can remotely turn CAPS LOCK on for your friends who have WebTVs and aren't smart enough to TYPE THEIR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS TO MAKE THEM EASIER TO READ. You can also embed an oscilloscope in your .signature so that if your .signature plays music people who are deaf can see what shape the music is. "Hey, I recognize that squiggle! It's Beethoven's Ninth Zigzag!" WebTV. It's like a computer except it can only run one program instead of 50,000, and that program is one of the ugliest Web browsers in existence, and the preferred output medium is a flickery low-rez American TV set. And... they're advertised by William Shatner who points out that you can use the WebTV to watch his movies (the clip they show is of Shatner screaming while being attached by tarantulas in "Kingdom of the Spiders") while reading about "Shatner, the rock star". Once again we have a commercial made by people who have discovered how to make irony but not why it's a bad idea to bash your OWN PRODUCT in commercials. ("Kids today love irony! That means that we'll expect them to buy lots of our products if we say our products suck!") You'd think WebTV would have learned the fallacy of that from Ben Stiller's anti-commercials for _AOL_... -- K. Now I will say something NICE about WebTVs because Aaron is our friend. Um... At least WebTV is owned by Microsoft, and not Hitler. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Scary album pictures Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 23:33:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Fun fact: Everyone here keeps putting down Netscape's tag and > > everything about WebTV. But one of the many things WebTV can't do is > > to show . However, WebTVs have their own means of being > > typographically obnoxious: , > > Note that Kibo does not actually describe what this tag does, so that our > imaginations can come up with something far more offensive. The power of > imagination is why radio is better than TV and Usenet is better than WebTV > and not getting any kind of entertainment at all is better than anything. What it really does: It switches from Helvetica past Helvetica Bold to Helvetica Black. What Matt is hoping it does: Darken all photographs and draw white circles around the eyes and white gloves, except for dogs who get a white circle around one eye and a black circle around the other. What I say it should do: The WebTV should dispense a harmless-looking bar of soap that turns black if the WebTV user ever bathes with it. That way we could find out who the WebTV users who actually attempt hygeine are and rescue them by airlifting in real computers and real soap. I also note the disparity in the orthography of HTML tags created for normal Web users and for WebTV users: normal tag to use boldface: (designed to transmit as rapidly as possible) WebTV-invented tag to use blackface: (designed so that WebTV users wouldn't have to remember what an abbreviation stands for) I'm just waiting for someone to make something cheaper than a WebTV with its own set of tags that top WebTV's, such as . -- K. Neue Helvetica Condensed 107, mmm... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: slime Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 10:10:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.physics, kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net wrote: > > I do not want any disgusting slime to read any of my articles. I do not want > any disgusting slime to answer any of my articles. I think it is repulsive > to have any thing to do with disgusting slime. I do not need disgusting > slime like Audun R. to answer any of my articles. slime slime away. Hello, can I read your articles? I am pretty slimy but I'm a nice pleasant slime and not the disgusting oozy kind with the squiggly stink lines above it. My lines are nice and straight! If you don't want me to read your articles, I promise not to read any of them. In fact, I didn't even read the one above before I replied. Hugs & Kisses, Slimy Ol' Kibo And in a subsequent article, kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net told someone: > > I told you not to read any of my articles. It may be hard to believe for > some slime but I do not need slime to read my articles and I do not need > slime to answer my articles. Waah! You're better than me. I _need_ slime to answer my articles! > I know some people who are cursed meat rotting and decaying. I and most > people do not want to have any thing to do with them. May be the slime on > sci physics do not have any friends and the reason why they talk using > computers is because people who know them will not talk to them. I think it > would be better to become a little less slimey and try to meet some good > people. When people insult people with out a good reason they look bad to > me. I have an extremely bad opinion about some people who write articles for > sci physics. I think Counselor Troi is about to stand up and say that she senses that you might be slightly uncomfortable with us. And in another article: > > But I do not want slime to understand any thing I say about physics. I don't think you have to worry about that. > When I write an article it is for a small number of people. May be God > makes them read my articles because God wants them to learn about God, > being good and being fair to animals. How does reading your articles make people be fair to animals? "Waah!" cried Spot, "it isn't working!" Then Spot fell into a tar pit because I didn't read hard enough. And yet another article in the same chain of "slime" articles: > > I plan to leave for ever. But in the future if God wants me to talk for God > I will. Some times God wants people to talk for him. When that is true > people are not suppose to not tell the truth because of cursed meat rotting > and decaying. > > It may be true I have the power to create a curse against people using > praying to God. If that is true I plan to use that power. How do you curse slime? Hmm, I suppose you could put it in McDonalds milkshakes. Incidentally, the technical term you're looking for is "praying AGAINST someone". You should also try having sex AGAINST someone sometime. It turns 'em into virgins and makes them really unhappy. And finally, one more "slime" article from kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net: > > I plan to destroy a lot of my articles in Deja archive. I want to destroy > evidence that I talked to slime even though I told Heidy not to cover up > dishonest things because it gets worse. I told her that if I put acid in the > ground the acid poisons the ground and the ground poisons the acid. The mess > gets worse. But if I put acid in the sun light the acid gets weak. Heidy > did not listen to me. You don't want anyone to read what you've said? Then why did you say it? And more importantly, why did I just quote all of it? -- K. P.S. It would be really cool if you had a Web site. P.P.S. MORE HUGS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Star Trek Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 11:24:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > David/FortyTwo (ocalladw@tcd.ie) wrote: > > > > The new Star Trek movie features a wacky robot AND llamas. And an > > invisible private army, like Kibo's. Who is responsible for this > > and when will the Christian Movieguide review be available?! Dear Odwalla@tcd.ie, Nobody is responsible for "Star Trek", that's why it's gotten so silly. Someone needs to give "Star Trek" a good spanking and make it go back to the way it was back during the black-and-white episodes when it was really serious, before they added women to the cast. And I'm sure that Brian "Jarai" Chase will dig up the review if you wait patiently for several seconds. > Star Trek: Insurrection > > Starring: Patrick Stewart, Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner, LeVar Burton, > Michael Dorn, Gates McFadden, Marina Sirtis, F. Murray Abraham, & Donna > Murphy > > Moral Acceptability: Wholesome > > Content:(BB, Re, H, Pa, L, VV, N, A, M) "Big Butts, Relish, a Giant H, Parrotry, Lurve, Va-Va-Va-Voom, Noogies, Androideroticism, and Mumenschanz"? > Moderately moral worldview which keeps talking about how incredibly moral everyone in the Star Trek universe is before they overthrow the government of any planet they don't like > of self-sacrifice & battling evil with a morally redemptive element as well > as minor humanist & pagan elements; 2 mild obscenities & 1 moderately > strong obscenity; moderate action violence such as laser weapon battles > in outer space & on land, Wait, I thought phasers were better than lasers. Because the Christian Movie Guide wouldn't lie, this exposes Paramount Pictures as committing a big fraud by trying to pass off cheap old laser guns as cool phasers in the movie!!! > evil beings hunt down people from peaceful village, rock slide, "I'm sorry, Little Billy, you can't see this movie, it's got a rock slide." "Waah! Why me?" "Because they wouldn't write that the movie had a rock slide unless someone didn't allow their kids to see rock slides, and we were chosen to be that family by the computer that runs Christianity." > explosions, hand-to-hand combat, & man uses special > machine to stretch man's face & skull to murder him; OTHER movies have bad guys who do that with NORMAL machines, but Star Trek is so pretentious that it has to use a SPECIAL machine. But note that the listed the rock slide before the head-crusher machine. > no sex but man & woman sit together in sexy but short bubble bath scene CHRISTIAN MOVIE GUIDE CLAIMS COUNSELOR TROI IS SEXY! Well, now we know WHO kept demanding to see the nekkid pictures of her five years ago... people who say that sexiness is BAD. THEY'RE GONNA KEEP LOOKING AT THE PICTURES UNTIL THEY WEAR THEM OUT FOREVER!!! > & man lays head in woman's lap on futuristic couch/bed; This would be okay if the bed weren't futuristic. > implied nudity in brief bubble bath scene; No, really? Nudity is implied just because she's in a bathtub and is taking a bubble bath? > alcohol use; and, a few mildly scary aliens & moments. I would like to see these people write a review of a movie of the Book of Revelation. "scary yet completely realistic alien with a goat's head and elevendy-seven eyes; NO ROCK SLIDES!" > Unfortunately, this review really wasn't very funny. I offer the > following to make up for the lameness of the Star Trek review: > > In & Out > > Starring: Kevin Kline, Joan Cusack, Matt Dillon, Debbie Reynolds, > Wilford Brimley, Bob Newhart, & Tom Selleck > > Moral Acceptability: Evil Next you're going to tell me they thought "The Road To Wellville" was evil just because it was all about Transporter Chief O'Brien sticking his thumb up his butt while Matthew Broderick got enemas of 31 flavors. WELL, FOR THE FIRST TIME, THEY WOULD BE RIGHT! > Content:(HoHoHo, PC, H, L, S, N, A, D, M) SANTA CLAUS IS A SECRET CODE FOR ANY MOVIE THAT'S THREE TIMES AS GAY AS A NORMAL CHRISTIAN!!! > Strong homosexual worldview to promote homosexuality, rebuke homophobia & > normalize a politically correct agenda; 1 obscenities & 1 profanity; 1 bad grammars; > no violence; strong homosexual innuendo with graphic descriptions, > sexual humor, & one homosexual kiss; But the guy doing the kissing was MAGNUM, P.I.! And we know he's straight 'cause he has a big manly mustache! And he solves crimes! Gay people can't solve crimes 'cause they're missing the lobe of the brain that lets them see clues! Except for Velma on "Scooby-Doo". And Hercule Poirot. And Kiss in "Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park". Okay, so all gay people spend all their time solving crimes. THAT'S the reason to stop hating them! > non-sexual upper male nudity; alcohol use; smoking; and, lying "Gasp! His upper male was NUDE! And before he got vaccinated, the doctor USED ALCHOHOL on his bicep!" -- K. I stand by my assertion that "Babylon 5" is better than "Star Trek" because they never showed anyone on "Babylon 5" holding a glass of booze. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The most wonderful new idea Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:44:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Meat-flavored tongue barnacles. And why do these barnicles have tongues which are flavored with meat? (I buy that spaghetti sauce: the one that says "FLAVORED with MEAT" which means it has brown salt added for that extra special flavor you can't make on your own.) > What's the number for the Patent Office? > > -dp. > And the Center for > Disease Control? 10-10-10-10-10-10-10-3-2-1-CONTACT. Poor Spot! He wasn't allowed to use Lucky Dog long distance services! He had to use AT&T! -- K. In twenty years even I won't be able to understand this. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The most wonderful new idea Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 05:08:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) attempted to explain what Kibo said: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) was confused by what Kibo said: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wins because he said: > > > > > > [re the phone number for the Centers For Disease Control] > > > > > > 10-10-10-10-10-10-10-3-2-1-CONTACT. Poor Spot! He wasn't allowed to > > > use Lucky Dog long distance services! He had to use AT&T! > > > > > > In twenty years even I won't be able to understand this. > > > > Why wait? Pretend to be one of us and DON'T UNDERSTAND IT TODAY!!! > > "10-10-10-10-10-10-10-3-2-1-CONTACT", Explained: > > There are three major themes which I can find in this reference. > > 1. Countdown from 10-1 plus CONTACT where the number of 10's actually > matches up with the number place holders if one were to actually count > down from 10-1. > > 10-10-10-10-10-10-10-3-2-1-CONTACT > 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 CONTACT No, no, no. On a phone, countdowns go the OTHER way because the phone keypad is in the reverse order from the computer keypad that has "789" on the top with the "0" above it. > 2. Making fun of stupid 10-10- prefixed long distance services which used > to just be 10- prefixed. The additional 10-'s mock the possibility > that such services will continue to extend their prefixes. Yes, I was referring to "10-10-3-2-1 plus 1 and the are code and the number", and... > 3. Reference to the PBS "3-2-1 Contact" educational show which was run > during the 1980's. Yes, and... > Now Kibo will not forget this 20 years from now, or at least as long as he > keeps the complete archives of a.r.k. You missed the actual point, you PERSON WHO REALLY WATCHES PBS AND DOESN'T JUST CLAIM TO WATCH ONLY PBS AND THE LEARNING CHANNEL LIKE ACTUAL CELEBRITIES. The point was that Spot was the only person in the whole world who was suckered into thinking that Lucky Dog Long Distance Services and AT&T were different companies because Lucky Dog has hip, cheap commercials and AT&T has square, expensive commercials. Lucky Dog is AT&T advertising under a FAKE NAME, the way that your supermarket has McCormick spices in the fifties-style white and red square metal cans and Spice Islands spices, which cost slightly more, in glass jars displayed in an ornate wooden rack, AND THEY CONTAIN THE SAME DAMN PARSLEY FLAKES THAT GOT SCOOPED OUT OF THE SAME BIN BY THE TEAMSTERS AT THE McCORMICK FACTORY. I'm only posting this followup so that when I am reading my private archives of all of alt.religion.kibology twenty years from now I can say to myself, "Hey! I better repost this old article so that everyone will remember that Brian Chase thought he understood Kibo!" There's nothing more pathetic than someone who thinks he understands Kibo, not even the people who do. -- K. But at least you get brownie points for TRYING to explain the inexplicable, unlike Matt McIrvin who doesn't like to deal with the unknown because he's a scientist. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The most wonderful new idea Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 01:05:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > E Teflon Piano (etp@the-institute.org) wrote: > > > > The McCormick Factory is actually about 5 miles upwind of The Institute, > > and on some wet, windy days the whole area smells like French Toast, when > > the spice grinders are set to "cinnimon." Other days, it smells like when > > you stuck your head inside mom's pantry when you were a kid looking for > > the hidden chocolate bars (baker's chocolate, HA!): mostly black pepper, > > but with a hint of cinnimon and cloves. That reminds me, it's been several years since I happened to be walking past the Necco factory on the one day of the year they manufacture all the rancid peanut butter they need for Segment Three of all the rancid Sky Bars they're manufacturing that year. Usually it just smells like peppermint or vanillin or fake chocolate which is also vanillin. The Borden candy factory a couple miles away -- which is now also part of Necco -- always smells like vanillin because all they do is to make those square caramels that old people give to small children in a futile attempt to convince them that candy is yuk. The kids are too smart to even put the things in their mouths, they just make little sculptures out of the brown clay and throw it at girls. > Your lucky! My pantry, and all the spices and chana dal's in it reek of > Tumeric. You misspelled "panties". Hope this helps. > And my right hand is still stained yellow to the elbow from the time I > had the programmers from India over for dinner. You're SICK! Eating your co-workers is NOT permitted! You're supposed to eat your competitors or maybe your boss at Christmas! -- K. So, you were stirring a pot of henna soup with your hand? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Results Are In! I Don't Suck! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 06:57:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Here are some of the answers to the essay questions on the first "What Is Kibology?" survey, because I forgot to include them in the scholarly analysis of the multiple-choice questions on the Web site. Seeing them here won't bias your answers on the second survey because everyone knows that essay questions are always pointless! These were submitted anonymously and have been scrambled to make it hard for you to match up the ten or so perverts who have cats. All spellings are the authors', if they're incorrect. -- K. And boy are they ever. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// // // // Describe a Kibological ritual you perform in public. // // // ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Reading "The News in Brief" without pants, and as "The News in Briefs". Force the proselytizing bands of Mormons and Hari Krishnas in the Heidelberger Fussgaengerzone to exchange clothes at gunpoint, and demand that they behave as usual in their new attire. Watching Team Xena: SeaQuest Warrior 1999 Starring Barbara Bain, Erik Estrada, and Bob Hope as "Zippy" the Wailing Dolphin. Making anatomically correct balloon animals. I would start by buttering a snake with a tub of that stuff my mum leaves by the side of her bed. I would then proceed to fashion it into a gas mask disguised as a winshield wiper. (the snake will giggle with glee at that one) I would then snort the Kibological Chant of Mad Streakers through my ears while promoting prosthetic limbs and the like for Quakers. That is all that needs to be done before I can call off the hounds. Photograph total strangers repeatedly When greeting friends or people who I would like to become aquainted with better, I always put up my fists in the manner of an old time boxer and motion as if I'm going to start punching them. This usually makes people laugh. Pass out kazoos to random people Eat an ice-cream while walking on my hands killing atoms... I sit backwards Eating Shrimp Chip Pizza enter singing rat: rat is shot out of a canon ===--<8> BBBPPPTHTHTH! sometimes i like to yell out really loud, "I'm not wearing any socks" The neophyte enters the "76" gas station where they sell those orange car antenna balls that say "76" on them. He or she asks the attendant, "(Name), do you have 76 balls?" The attendant responds, "Yes I do". The neophyte gives the punchline: "Because his WIFE DIED!" When out and about, I find it very fulfilling, as a kiblologist, to perform the sacred Beabling-Tantric-Tow-Truck-Suck summononing dance. First, I set an unsuspecting Christian on fire and then ask him three questions in non-consecutive order. The first is, "How do I feel?" The second: "Which is tasties, a yellow peep or pez?" Thirdly, "Do you have any used cantaloupe?" Fourthly: "Where do you buy your lip-stick?" Lastly and most forlornly, I ask the unsuspecting twit of Christ: "Get me a Dr. Pepper?" Frankly, I don't understand the last one. Walking up to people and saying, "Greetings, lowly citizen. I seek your PEZ!" My mobile phone screams BEABLE!! BEABLE!! DOIDY!! DOIDY!! when it rings so as to protest against oppression that such devices impose on the human spirit. Oh and because I think it's really funny. Microwaving Wet Shoes: It's *amazing* how fast they dry. That used to be the only reason I did it (and out of curiosity; to see which ones melted...) but now it's become part of my daily Kibological Prayer Ritual... Odd... Eat cold hot dogs on warm buns. Manipulating the levers beneath, I free my chair to rock back, stretch humungously, and emitt high pitched noises. I often turn around in elevators and demand that people stop staring at me. Running up to elevator doors just before they close and screaming to the occupants as the door slams shut, "We just translated it...'To Serve Man'......it's....a.....COOKBOOK!" Walking into an elevator, facing the corner and muttering "crash.. crash.. crash.. crash.. sampocrash.." Eating flaming death. I every time I walk through a door in a McDonald's, I spin in circles and become Linda Carter. I go to the local grocery store and kneel before the caffeinated soft drinks. Of course, being who I am, the soft drinks bow and salaam before me in a gesture of mutual respect and fear. Needless to say, only store security pays attention. I walk around with a can of Dr Pepper in my hand and fantasize it is a cheap knockoff. I like to wet my pants and pretend it's just coffee. I remove my pants, then preach from the beable on streetcorners. I preach of how, one day, one can eat elastic bacon, truly the manimal of the pants. In restaurants I compulsively rearrange my dinnerware and hide the napkin-holders. And I always use a spork - I bring my own. Ok, so I'm mostly a private Kibologist. Eeeewwww!!! Now I have the song "Private Dancer" in my head and I am getting all kinds of weird ideas!!! Buying Orbitz. (while holding a roll of Mentos) Driving sheep to the market through the village square. There are no sheep, no market, and no village square, but don't tell the right hand what the left hand never did. I spray wd40 on to the highway spelling "doidy" and light it on fire. Then I eat a bannana and peanutbutter sandwich. Sometimes when I am walking around town I see these metal pole things which have dials and knobs on them and I don't know what they are for, but if I have some spare change, I always try to see if there is one of those slots on there where I can stick a quarter or a stick of gum or something, because it looks like you can fit something in there, almost as if that's what it was made for! And then I always turn the dial afterward because it makes me feel good that those metal poles are not being ignored like rubber chickens and chimichangas at the Taco Bell. I print (at work's expense) and post a.r.k articles and PDFs and put them on doors, windows, powerline poles, dogs, and on my no pants. Loudly proclaimin in video stores that the only reason Robert Preston got his role in "The Last Starfighter" was because he was married to the producer, Jeanne Rodin-Barrie. When out on the street, I sometimes voluntarily shiver and act as if I'm infected with Ebola. Clapping erasers that contain powdered sugar. I secretly wear my underwear upside-down. I supply Bob Hope with the medicines he needs to sustain his waning life forces. Hum the old Stove Top jingle from the mid-80's Saying "excuse me" to furniture when I kick it accidentally. Self-apendectomy I take out all of the napkins in a fast-food napkin dispensary, write pithy messages on the back of them, and put them back in. I do the same thing to my napkins at home. Not much of a surprise. I demand that receipt-checkers at CompUSA show me theirs before I show them mine. Every morning I bring into my office a quadruple short megamocha with triple-fat milk, Orbitz balls and spray cheese. I think about drinking it, and then I don't. Then I think about it again, and then I take it downstairs and put it at someone's desk who isn't in yet. Then for a real kick, I steal their mouse ball. Answering with "or so the Germans should have us belive" and then a stare. Bump into walls after spouting a long diatribe apout the inequity of sewage reclamation pulling what appears to be lint from my belly button (it's an inny), but is in actuality yard after yard of wacky colored scarfs like those favored by magicians that worship at the altar of Doug Henning. Making video game sound effects as I shoot people with my Imaginary Ray Gun Act guilty when passing between the theft-prevention device things at the exits of stores, then breathe a sigh of relief and look around suspiciously. Sometimes I get really bored and go to the mall, and play "Pissed off insane shopper person," where I rush around and swear to myself, once in a while talking to someone who's not even there. Or sometimes I go the the airport and play "bomb spy" in which I dress up in a trenchcoat and a suit and carry around an extremely suspicious-looking bag. while walking through shopping centers, i will swing my arms in a circlular motion so that people will get out of my way. I hate people stop suddenly, set down my bags and parcels, spin in circles wavng my arms shouting "KIBO KIBO KIBO KIBO" until everyone on the street is watching me, then pick up my bags and walk away Always say "what a cute baby!" when shown pictures. Babies are all ugly. I say the word "nougat" at least 100 times a day, every day since I was 14 years old. Reminding people the moon is supposed to blow up next year. Removal of dental floss from Pants. I drink chocolate milk in my van, and then I find a gas station so I can discard my chocolate milk carton. It has to be a gas station with regards to discarding the carton. Otherwise it just ain't kibological. I shout "Tea, Earl Gray, Hot" every time I use the microwave to boil water. Singin about the end of the world while mowing the lawn, in Latin. I ride the bus. When it comes to sudden stops, the intertia that throws me into the person in front of me is representative of the way that Kibology throws me into people. Ok, one time, I was skipping merrily through the forest on my way to gramma's house, and my car broke down, and I had to sleep in this barn where the farmer kept three lawyers in the wall, a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Polish blonde. So, I tried the first lawyer, and it was pretty good. Then, I tried the second one, and found that it had a much nicer fit, and didn't chafe me so much when I tried to walk. The next day, I went to say good morning, and my tongue fell out, so the farmer made me go and collect a hundred of my favorite fruits, and choose how I wanted to kill them. "By death, of course," I told him, and the farmer replied "Very well. Death... by oompa loompa!" I screamed continuously for a whole day after that. Wearing shoes marked "L" and "R" for left and right anticorrespodently I do everything at work at twice normal speed and have that Benny Hill music playing loudly wherever I go. I once said "Kibo" out loud ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// // // // Describe a Kibological ritual you perform when nobody can see you. // // // ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// I would read Barbara Streisand's autobiography while rubbing Ben Gay all over a poster of Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I deep fry those dusty things that live under my bed. They can become surprisingly tasty and with just a little liquid smoke they taste kind of like bacon. Watch pictures of women's stockinged feet pressing gas pedals. I mock people with funny names that appear on my caller ID box. Sort all the cards in my wallet, to make sure no one has sneaked an extra one in. I become invisible whilst looking along the 17th dimension Looking both ways before exiting the shower. One can never tell if the previous driver of the wc properly set the parking brake. I secretly replace the restaurant's regular coffee with Folger's instant. Covering my furniture with day-glo paints and then drinking whatever is left Speculating about the tensile strength of "The Incredible Hulk" Underoos (TM). Eating frozen egg-rolls still frozen. Covering myself in cotton candy I drive a bus, but I don't stop because then people could see me. The only problem with driving is that you have a seat belt on, and the effect of inertia is complicated. Therefore, I throw myself out the window to complete the effect. I drive around in a pink bus with my eyes closed. Walking around with pink silk pants on, exposing myself to the cat. And the cat's not even mine. So there. Dance naked down the hallway accompanied by both my cats. heavy petting with Schrodinger's cat Getting my cat to help me in a few rounds of Giant H battling. Discussing theology with the cat I mindmelt with my cat. Drop cats from various heights to determine minumum range for which it can turn itself over to land on its feet. Trying to figure out what makes my finger move by wiggling it in front of me. Drawing cave paintings with lipstick on the back of the refrigerator. When nobody is looking, I like to not watch the Science Fiction Channel. Going to where people can see me. Then leaving again. I sniff my socks. TRUE FACT! Mooing at pigs. Posting frogs to the drivethru Hold funeral services for broken eggs which were meant to stay intact as part of an Egg Drop competition chatting with fun AOL users (nobody on AOL knows how to use the "ignore" feature in chat rooms) And if I may digress briefly, I once convinced a chat user that you send private messages by TURNING ON CAPS LOCK. THIS PERSON ACTUALLY SPENT FIVE MINUTES SCREAMING ACROSS THE ROOM AT ME. IT WAS SCARY. staring at a blue computer screen and listening to the sound of cars going by and the wind in the ears while a larger blue computer screen in the background flashes darkness, and all the contemplating the necessity of old material hookup to the rest of society, then deciding that the wind would be the only way in which escape is possilblly, or something along those lines for me please rabbits [1] Post to alt.religion.kibology. [2] Cook an entire package of bacon and then eat it all in one sitting. Exchange this year's Marshmallow Peeps on store shelves with leftover Peeps from last year run match-ups between gi joe and 'the amazing expanding marshmallow peep' in 'microwaveland'. oooh. Peanut butter and jelly baths! Mmmmmmmmm. Marmite (but never Vegamite) on those special occations! Hell, I do not even EXIST when nobody can see me! I put on a pair of pants, just to have the sheer joy of taking them off again. Also, I sit on my hands, but I won't tell anyone about that. Make weird sounds in the back of your throat to the beat of a non-existant tune. I like to go to the library and write notes in the margins of Harlequin romances -- things like "here the author shows that consciousness *itself* is nothing more than a network of effects... a thing with no internal structure, like a soap bubble. BRILLIANT." While walking suddenly stopping and turning around so fast I walki into my self. Watch "Die kleine Strolche", a colorized version of "The Little Rascals", dubbed in German, on TV. I imagine that one day this technology will evole to be able to create an interactive, holographic Kibo merely from old a.r.k archives on DejaNews. Wearing No Pants(tm). At least I hope nobody can see me. I rub lotion into my cat. It really likes it. I can tell from all the bite and scratch marks. I rituallisticly avoid watching shows involving Bob Hope. pretending that my inflatable godzilla has tourette's I teach my fridge to use a dvorak keyboard. This after psychoterapy showed me it thought it was a moose. I count concrete. When no one is looking at me, I take off my clothes. Sometimes, I mean. And then I turn on the WATER in the TUB. The combination of nudity and running water is irresistable! And sometimes when I'm feeling extra-naughty, I GET IN THE WATER! I am so embarrased now. Drafting a prayer to Kibo to intercede in desperate causes. What the hey, it might be good for a laugh. For now my SKITTLES are ALL SORTED by COLOR!!!!!!!! I draw pictures of me and Kibo's love child. I tell everyone to close their eyes. Laughing at non-Kibological people that are bigger than me. I set up a little railroad town with a bunch of tiny little tracks and with some cute little buildings. Little people are happily interespersed into this idyllic setting and some tiny animals are included to increase the reality. Then I raise my arms over my head and stomp through the town while shouting "Gadzooks!" at the top of my lungs. I sit in the bathtub and contiuously drop in toasters. planting eleven herbs and spices in strange psuedo-mystical patterns (like that old Procter and Gamble logo) on selected feast days I sit in front of a sweet potato with a loaded rifle and wait for it to move. Firing off a spud gun with stolen Animal 57 inside instead of a spud. Smashing things with my yo-yo. Practicing swear words for that "natural" feel. Two words: latex stockings. I derive the trajectories of Orbitz floaty thingies while the bottle is flying through the air at Bob Hope while using Fuzzy Logic. I stick two fingers up my nose and touch my brain. One time I stole a giant inflatable ape with the words "Superior Auto Mall Construction Clearance Sale" written on a big cloth sign across its chest. Because of me the 'Construction Clearance Sale' was ruined for EVERYONE!!! I suck the marrow out of my own bones, and let the juices run down my chin. Walking around nude with peanut butter spread all over me, sticking peeps to the peanut butter and quoting Vic Tayback. After waking up every afternoon, I pray 7 times for myself to get the blessing of The Great Kibo. After every morning, when I go to sleep, I pray 7 times for myself to get rid of Kiboism. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// // // // Name some Kibological celebrities. // // // ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// (It turns out there aren't any.) ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// // // // If you could push a button that would eliminate one concept forever, // // what concept would you remove? // // // ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// The concept of that button. I mean, that thing could be dangerous in the wrong hands! BAN ALL BUTTONS FOREVER!!!!!1!!!!! The concept of removing concepts at the push of a button. buttons. zippers are more easier to get open. Strooples. (If this concept it unfamiliar to you by the time you read this, then I have already pushed the button!) I would eliminate the concept of buttons that eliminate concepts. That way, if anyone pressed it, the universe would blow up. or: I would eliminate the concept of the concept of buttons that eliminate concepts. Then, if I were to press the button, I never would have gotten the idea for the button in the first place, and I never would have been born. Then I'd disappear out of any pictures that had been taken of me, and everyone would think that I was a vampire. or: I would eliminate the concept of war. But I would keep lots of notes about it, so that after I pressed the button, I could take over the world, and rule with an iron fist. Or perhaps a copper fist, I haven't decided yet. Does that make my answer not count? or: I would eliminate the concept of concepts, and live in a world of cold, hard facts. But then, I would teach primitive man about hunting animals for their skins and starting fires, so they could make them into warm, fuzzy facts. That of pushing buttons to eliminate one concept forever. Or maybe WebTV. Three words: Web TV Archimedes Plutonium using WebTV sitcoms. Neckties! Ascots are much better. Blue popsicles. Inability to killfile layers of reality. Toilet bowl rings. Beef-Jerky on Cheez-Whiz sandwiches, because they are NOT kosher. In fact, when buying Beef-Jerky and Cheez-Whiz in the same shopping trip, you should put them in two separate shopping carts. Money. I hate not having enough. Little yellow peeps. Pink ones are okay. But the yellow ones are just plain "EVIL" Industructible objects; Peeps, fruitcake, cockroaches. The caps they use on Gatorade bottles that require five howitzers and a prison inmate to get them open. Gaffer's tape I would remove the word "meme" and all its associated sub-concepts. BROCOLI: I hate its shape, despise its taste, loathe its consistence. Everything about this aberration to nature reviles me in the most and I think this abomination should be wiped out of existence. But don`t think it`s personal, I bet I`d love brocoli if we met socially... Helvetica Ham. The edibility of cheese. ham and cheese and peanut butter (Jamsn y queso y mantequilla de cacahuete) well maybe not the peanut butter, but definatly the hampsters named sean. FD&C Yellow no. 2 Food stores closing at 9pm I wish them open till 2am The concept that roadkill is somehow "bad" to eat. Octagons Mainstream comedy Essay questions. Spot Aspidestras NASA Pigs in Space. Gravity. Then we could all fly around and our legs wouldn't get tired from walking so much. the strong nuclear force Draw Poker Hanson I would remove Kibology. Kibo is a paradoxial engima that cannot exist in our universe of a mere 4 dimensions (Kibo requires at least 11 dimensions). Kibology must be purged since it can only led to the collapse of our universe (it ain't much, but i like to call it home) that although Bill Gates is probably the most boring person in the universe he could stiil get any woman he wanted CyberSex Groin injuries Body hair fat free potato chips I've already pushed the button, so I can't tell you anymore. Sleep. We don't need it. Inbreeding. It's pretty much the root of the world's problems. Tom Cruisiness wool the concept of leaving the toilert seat up The commercial for this stuffed dog toy which is apparently so realistic that the stupid father comes home and is so amazed by the dog that he not only believes that is is real, but forgets that he doesn't had a dog. Rubber vomit. Special sauce. Gym class, definitely microphones that are not wireless The concept that rap is an art form. I would eliminate the concept of push buttons. Also: button lies, flying buttons and Red Buttons. Shirt buttons could stay, though-- especially if they are sewn to the inside of a shirt. capri pants (those tight pants that go just below the knees) the concept of "parental advisory" labels on entertainment items The concept that stupid people have some kind of innate right to live amongst us after they've finished their daily menial tasks. The concept of time. Who needs it? So what if everything happens at once? Free will. No, I mean Free Willy. The concept of "Tee Vee Spokesmodel". I feel that this concept is not only utterly un-necessary, it's also mind- altering in a bad, very bad, way. Also, I would eliminate advertising. I feel it's pernicious. Correction fluid. furbies. Respinsibility. Either that or Hamburgers. polotics ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.tv,alt.society.high-school From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: tv angst, slightly silly perhaps. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 08:35:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In article , Lee, your Message-ID is too long and it broke at the hyphen. Please change it. Lee S. Bumgarner (lee_s_bumgarner@yahoo.com) wrote: Lee, your name is too long and needs a "the First". Please change it. > [re daytime talksploitation shows] > > What gets me is how ever more stupid you have to be to watch these > damn shows. Half the screen typically is covered with exposition. Compared to "Star Trek", where Kirk just explained the plot of the entire episode in voice-over every five minutes. That didn't assume the viewers were stupid at all because it was science fiction and in the world of the future there will be narration everywhere. Watch the six-hour cut of "Dune" if you don't believe I am always right. > "Ronda thinks that her boyfriend Ted is sleeping with her mamma. Who's > right?" Everyone thinks Lee's Message-ID headers are too long. What's his problem? > But wait, there's more! > > The FOXNews(TM) channel is even worse, but in a different way. > > In the old days, you had to think to notice a slant in the news. Now > you just have to a remote and enough channel capacity to notice it. > There is this one show on that channel that pissed me off soooo much. > A disperportionate number of its talking heads are wymin [...] Lee thinks only a quarter of the people on TV should be wimmin, just like in real life! So I take it you haven't yet noticed that every Wednesday night, the UPN late news is entirely devoted to ripping the lid off the secret that "STAR TREK: VOYAGER" IS THE COOLEST SHOW EVER AS IS EVIDENCED BY ALL THE SUPER-COOL PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT "STAR TREK: VOYAGER" AT THIS WEEK'S SUPER-COOL "STAR TREK: VOYAGER" CONVENTION? -- K. P.S. The original "Star Trek" was a kids' show, just like "Happy Days" and "Knight Rider"! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:43:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Besides, if the page really did have UNLIMITED information, then why would > > you need to "UPDATE EVERY TIME"? It would ALREADY have all the information > > that could ever exist! Just like Kurd Lasswitz's Universal Library! > > It would contain all possible text strings from " " > > up to "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" and thus would contain all possible ideas, > > thoughts, and mistakes. > > I take your Universal Library and prepend a tag. > > I WIN! No, because the Universal Library already called "NO PREPENDS!" and "NO GIVEBACKS!" and "DAVID PACHECO HAS DOUBLE COOTIES PLUS PLUS!" as well as every other possible kind of cooties on every possible person. Even Spot, despite him not being a person. Poor Spot! He got PEOPLE COOTIES but he's STILL JUST A DOG! Also, in every document in the Universal Library, Spot dies on the last page. I mean while reading it. -- K. By the way, which of you people gave Don Saklad my phone number? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cooties (was: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 00:50:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In article , (Michael, your Message-ID is at least half as long as Lee Bumgarner's.) Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > I'm sorry, but I find that extremely offensive. NOBODY has ownership > > over what is funny in this group, NOBODY dictates the "standards" to > > which we are supposed to "live up". Kibo may have a steering hand in > > the directions in which the memes travel, but even he does not come down > > and set limits or define parameters; even Kibo doesn't come down from > > his high humor horse and claim "this is funny", or "this is not funny", > > or "this is a troll". And if HE doesn't do it, then by Kibo WE should > > not deign to consider ourselves capable of taking up the mantle. If > > anything, the "collective" ARK decides what is funny: a true democratic > > decision-making group created ad hoc with each post, with no ties to the > > past other than the constant mass repetition of memes. > > There was someone a while back who did that better than you, but I've > forgotten who it was. Heck, I've forgotten that guy *and* David Pacheco, too. I think the first guy might have been Archimedes Bumgarner, the guy with the "Time Has Purple Stripes" theory. Or maybe Danny Drucker. But as to the second guy, I have _no_ idea who he used to be before he stuck his finger into the electrical socket and all the electricity drained out of his body and he slowly deflated with a sound like a leaky balloon filled with Sally Struthers's voice. -- K. P.S. I AM NOT FUNNY! <-- I WIN!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-winston From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cooties (was: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 06:27:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor E Teflon Piano (rgriffiths@ubmail.ubalt.edu) wrote: > Did I ever tell you how beautiful your E-mail address is, like rap music? ARG! RIFFIT! HS! SWIRL AT THING! YOU BE MAIL! YOU BALT! EDU! WORD! "ubalt" is such a nice word that I predict that soon we're going to see it on all kinds of consumer products sold through late-night TV. "You'll never get your car stuck in a naturally-ocurring nougat pit again when you equip it with Ronco Ubalt!" I should point out that Ron Popeil did not personally invent the Ronco Ubalt, it was Ub Iwerks and the kids from "Zoom". > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > Given this fact, it is ironic that seafaring ships are "christened" by > > smashing a bottle of champagne against the hull. In this pagan ritual, > > embedded into our pre-conscious minds as a kind of "lashing out" against > > our water masters, the "freedom" for humans to travel is celebrated by > > smashing the water's most effective form of transportation. The > > intended message is obvious: we do not give up without a fight. > > John Winston will be quoting you soon. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to anyone, and I hate you for saying it about someone other than me. > > God bless America. > > YM "_o-". Naah, he misspelled "G_-_d". Also, I'd like to reiterate my earlier observation that I am better than you because I do not post cutesy acronyms to alt.religion.kibology, which is the nineties version of my declaration that I would post no smileys after November 1992. (Why is is that it's 1999 and the nineties STILL feel like they need to hurry up and get started? The nineties are a SLOW DECADE and they need a SPANKING!) -- K. WITH KIBOLOGY YOU CAN KEEP SPANKING THE NINETIES INTO THE NEW MILLENNIUM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cooties (was: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 06:19:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > Boy, I'm sure glad that wasn't directed at me! > > > > Did you ever notice that ARK used to be quite silly? > > I did. > > What are you trying to say? Are you implying that it's not? Are you > somehow making a dig against the other posters in this group, accusing > them of not being "funny" to the degree that you expect and/or deserve?? > > I'm sorry, but I find that extremely offensive. NOBODY has ownership > over what is funny in this group, NOBODY dictates the "standards" to > which we are supposed to "live up". Kibo may have a steering hand in > the directions in which the memes travel, but even he does not come down > and set limits or define parameters; even Kibo doesn't come down from > his high humor horse and claim "this is funny", or "this is not funny", > or "this is a troll". David! You used to be funny. > And if HE doesn't do it, then by Kibo WE should > not deign to consider ourselves capable of taking up the mantle. GET YOUR FILTHY FRICKIN HANDS OFF MY MANTLE! IT'S HARD TO GET NOUGAT OUT OF NATURAL PURPLE ERMINE! > If anything, the "collective" ARK decides what is funny: a true democratic > decision-making group created ad hoc with each post, with no ties to the > past other than the constant mass repetition of memes. But that doesn't matter, I only archive the stuff I wrote. And thus by definition I wrote not only all the funny stuff, but also all the unfunny stuff, and therefore I am the final authority on what is funny or not funny, and your posts are NEITHER!!! > I'm sick of this: this group has lost everything that attracted me to it > in the first place. I thought this was a place where we could submit > ideas, perhaps slightly off-center, perhaps slightly controversial, > perhaps NOT VERY FUNNY by everyone's standards. When I first > arrived, it was a Nirvana of minds that saw the world fifteen degrees > off-center, a true meeting of souls. Excuse me, but you don't measure centeredness in degrees, as they are a unit of rotation, not of location. LEARN SOME MATH DAVID!!! > [...] > Now it appears that the self-appointed "net-cops" and "standards > committees" hold sway, silently rating everything that is posted, and > assigning degrees of funniness and coolness to all who dare press the > brightly coloured "POST" button. You use a newsreader with a COLOR "post" button? You must be an idiot! We REAL KIBOLOGISTS all have graphical user interfaces on our computers with the "color" knob turned all the way down on our TV sets, I mean digital computer monitors. > What's next, we don't get to decide by ourselves whether we're trolling > or not? Stop pretending to troll me when you know darn well you're not trolling! You're completely serious, you bozo! > Fine, if that's how you want to play it. > > My offer is re-submitted. If I ever post in ARK again, I promise to > give every known kibologist $1,000. Heck, make it $10,000, who cares, > and make it for every post I write. I quit. I'm sorry, but Dan Sale tried this, and we never got our $1,000, so we reject your offer. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO QUIT! > May the god(s) you believe in have mercy on your souls, and may the > ethereal cooties mentioned in the Subject: line cause you infernal > itching. For ever. But itching isn't infernal, flames are infernal. Itching would be more like some word which sums up the whole concept of forgetting to put on your vinyl gloves before shoving five hundred feet of Owens-Corning Pink Fiberglas Fuzz roll insulation into a cardboard toilet-paper tube to make a fiberglas bomb. LEARN SOME ANARCHIST BOMB-MAKING TECHNIQUES YOU NERD!!! -- K. P.S. And Dan Sale came back about a month later, too. But he still owes me $1,000. If you don't stick around, you won't get your share, and it will go into the Archimedes Plutonium Legal-Law Lawsuiting Defense Fund. See pages 46 and 244 to 251 of the 1997A alt.religion.kibology book. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cooties (was: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 09:13:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > Fine, then I change my offer. Kibo: I will give you $1,000 for every > > instance in which you personally make a kibologist quit in disgust. > > Offer does not include Lee, 'cause you'd be an instant millionaire. He doesn't quit THAT often. Or do you mean you'll give me $1,000 for every person that Lee scares away? > > It does, however, include Jaffo. Jaffo who? M. Otis Beard (movinghand@geocities.com) wrote: > > Damn it, Kibo! I'm sick and tired of your smarmy smart-guy ways! You > disgust me! I quit! > > P.S. -- I need the $500 right away, so send it Western Union or something, > OK? Thanks! Okay, after you never come back in a million years you will be eligible for your cut. This is just to keep you honest. And away. -- K. NOW SAVE AN EXTRA $1000 LESS OFF NOW!!! IT'S DAVID PACHECO'S ONCE-A-YEAR DAN SALE!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cooties (was: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 06:01:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@duh.seanet.com) wrote: > > "The Avocado Avenger" (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) writes: > > > > > [1] Say, someone constantly e-mailing you about how you just didn't get > > their wonderfully witty post and dammit, don't I know them better than to > > think they meant that in anything but jest?! > > > Boy, I'm sure glad that wasn't directed at me! > > Did you ever notice that ARK used to be quite silly? > I did. > > -L I'd just like to point out that I have my newsreader program set to display all the quoted text in light gray and the "new content" in black, so to read alt.religion.kibology I will select several articles from the list of current ones and tell the computer to open 'em all, and while the windows are popping open real fast I just look at the black part and if it seems interesting I'll glance up and the gray part and also the headers to see who said it, and in this case I didn't need to do that because the black part and the initial in the .signature made it quite clear that this post was by Lee Bumgarner. -- K. Now which way to the Boston Public Library? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cooties (was: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:35:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > Is it just me, or have I been following up to a lot of Stacia's posts lately? I think this is a sign that Stacia needs to hire a professional to finish her posts so that I don't have to. > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) writes: > > > > You're just jealous because I'm making the first official post in ARK > > written in 1999, the year we all die. > > You mock me, but I'm seriously weirded out by this. I'm just weired out by the fact that if the world DOES end this year, GERRY ANDERSON will have been proven to be a visionary genius smarter than even Nostradamus! > I know, I'm basing my assumption on a calendar that has no correlation > with nature, but instead correlates to the birth of one single guy who > may or may not have existed. No, Jesus was born in 4 B.C., because there was no year 0, except in large type in the middle of the time-line in the 1995 edition of Microsoft Encarta, and because God created the Universe four years early in 4004 B.C. and Jesus's immaculate conception was the result of a computer error caused by the Y0K Bug which caused civilization to collapse because they had to spend four years (starting at 4 B.C.) converting all the coin-stamping machines to print "A.D." instead of "B.C." on the coins they were making. Also as a kid I read that "A.D." stood for "After Damocles" in some really stupid One-Volume Encyclopedia For Kids Who Don't Want To Accidentally Learn Something In A Real Encyclopedia. > But! I'm still concerned. If you can stay concerned continuously throughout the year, and are still this concerned in September, you could be the real-life model for Barbara Bain's role. You should practice saying with the utmost concern for all living things, "John, reversed polarity is the first stage towards anti-matter." -- K. I've said it before, I'll say it again, 1999 SMELLS WEIRD. Also, I'm not having a happy dot-com yet! Make the era of being inside a happy dot-com start or people will get tired of hearing "HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cooties (was: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 02:25:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > No, because the Universal Library already called "NO PREPENDS!" > > and "NO GIVEBACKS!" and "DAVID PACHECO HAS DOUBLE COOTIES PLUS PLUS!" > > as well as every other possible kind of cooties on every possible person. > > From today's paper: > ====Begin Copyright Violation==== > By James Cummings - Cox News Service > Dayton, Ohio - It's hard to believe, but we've had Cooties for 50 years. "Waah!" cried Spot. He had had Cooties since before he was born! > Not the kind you get from kissing girls. I'm talking about the plastic > ones that come disassembled in a cardboard box. PLASTIC? Real Cooties are WOOD! > Hasbro, manufacturer of Cooties, is celebrating the golden anniversary of > the venerable children's game this year by doing a complete makeover on > the bugs that are central to the game. For only the tenth time this century, yawn. > .. > According to Hasbro, a Minneapolis mailman carved the first Cooties from > wood in 1948. He was trying to design a fishing lure, but Cooties > attracted more kids than carp. I think they misspelled "crappies". Also, why would a fishing lure be five inches long and have a detachable curly proboscis and six falling-off little legs which require the fix to roll "6" 6 times in a row on all of 666 dice to be able to quit the game? > .. > Hasbro estimates about 50 million Cootie games have been purchased in the > 50 year history of the toy. > ====Here Endeth Copyright Violation==== They forgot to mention the Interactive Cootie CD-ROM, about which I will only remark that it is obviously LESS stupid than the hand-held electronic Mr. Potato Head. -- K. It coots down stairs alone or in pairs and makes a cootily sound ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: what is wrong with Wiles's FLT explained via anagrams Re: New insights from Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 09:03:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > I had a teacher that made the whole class repeat: "JAkaganga - jaKAganga - > jakaGANGa - jakagangA" with all the different vowels. She was very upset > becuase everyone wouldn't take this SERIOUSLY. I don't see any other way you could do it. I mean, someday you might run into a festering herd of jakagangas and you'd need some way to tell them apart while they're tearing your arms off. > Then years later I heard Blueboy's "Remember me" and my head exploded. Please stop trying to revive "Dragnet" in color, Mr. Webb. > THE END. Wait! Come back! You forgot to tell us the results of THAT hearing! -- K. At the moment I have in front of me a "KVIKK LUNSJ" candy bar and a "STRATOS: Lett, luftig og por¿s" bar. I suspect the Kvikk Lunsj is made of compressed lutefisk. And the Stratos, which claims to be porous, must be either a sponge or one of those chem-lab filters folded into quarters so that the genius scientist can be humanized when he makes coffee over the Bunsen burner while Reptilicus crushes the cardboard cutout of the statue of Hans Christian Anderson. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: what is wrong with Wiles's FLT explained via anagrams Re: New insights from Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 3 Jan 1999 05:17:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Otto-Ville Ronkainen (c960341@beta.ebar.dtu.dk) wrote: > > "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) writes: > > > > [re "Quick Lunch" and "Stratos: Light, Airy, & Porous" candy bars] > > > > Ok, this is norwegian, but it's close enough to swedish for a translation. > > Fun fact: Since in the three main languages in Scandinavia, swedish, > > norwegian and danish are so much alike, they are often used without > > tranlation in various context. So if a swede and a norwegian are talking > > to each other, they can fully well speak their own language, and both > > understand. Same thing on TV. So you claim you can understand the Swedish Chef on The Muppet Show? That's like when Brian Chase claims to understand Kibo, only with Kibo being a puppet who speaks even less coherently than usual. For puppets, I mean. Kibo is seldom actually less coherent than himself. > Actually, Norwegian is the official B1FFSP33K of Scandinavia. And if > THAT wasn't enough, it comes in THREE DIFFERENT FLAVOURS!!11! And N0RWEGIAN BIFFSTER would put slashes through everything but the O's, and would put either one or three little dots under all the vowels except A, and he'd make funny ligatures out of any two letters that aren't AE. Note that the last point is similar to Dan Aykroyd's metric "Decibet" which contained a ligature of "the trash letters", QRSTUVWXYZ, which looked a lot like a Russian zheh being attacked by an X-drone on the Moon. However, at the end of the routine, he held up a "STOP" sign of the future that had nothing but a bunch of those on it, apparently forgetting that the "O" was supposed to be his clearly-legible "LMNO" ligature. He also screwed up most of the other examples, like, he said that "MUCUS" would be "LMNOUCUS", when it should have had some Trash Letters in it. Because of this, I have concluded that old Saturday Night live was not scientifically accurate, thus the new Saturday Night Live which is not funny must be scientifically accurate, and therefore all weights and measures will now be standardized on the basis of lame game-show parodies about Monica Lewinsky, women who talk about cookies continuously for twenty minutes, and guys who don't do anything but nod their heads continuously until they get to be in a lame vanity-bomb movie. -- K. I DEMAND A VANITY BOMB!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Why Morons Shouldn't Drink Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 00:39:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > "Waah. I didn't fight the biker guy; instead I acted like a > > reasonable adult. Now my chances are RUINED! I'd better go pick > > a fight with this other guy so I can maintain my transparent macho > > front!" > > WAAHHHHHH!!! My nerdy pale body and polka-dot boxer shorts are showing > through my transparent macho front! I don't know WHAT you people are talking about, except to say that if what you've been drinking was Orbitz, those aren't your polka-dotted boxer shorts showing. -- K. I intend to market Orbit, a drink which contains only one dot. I wonder who will be lucky enough to get that bottle? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fashion From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Stupidity In Your Front Window. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 4 Jan 1999 08:59:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A while ago I asked if it was possible to turn regular marshmallows into tiny crunchy Lucky Charms styromallows by letting them dry out. Well, we shall have the answer to that soon, and I didn't have to touch any icky old marshmallows. But first, I shall digress. Store-window display designers have the easiest job in the world. These are the people who went around telling everyone "You should pile clear glass marbles around the feet of the mannequins!" about five years ago and "You should get some of those stupid purple plastic Slinkies that don't actually slink and hang them around the mannequins!" about three years ago. Well, I just spotted an up-and-coming trend in store windows. I'm not sure if it's the result of pretentious, overpaid store-window designers or if it's just something the store owners have been buying at Spencer Gifts. Plastic dogs. I found two *adjacent* stores that had life-like dog statues (at least, I hope they were statues -- poor Spot!) in their front windows for no reason. I'm guessing they think that having a cute dog in the window will make you want to go inside to pet it, and then you'll find out it's blow-molded polypropylene and you'll be TRAPPED IN THE STORE AND WILL BE TOO SHY TO LEAVE WITHOUT BUYING SOMETHING EXPENSIVE!!! I don't know why they use dogs and not cats, given that (a) plastic cats would take up less space in store windows, (b) I've heard that more people own cats than dogs (very few dogs own cats), and (c) most stores prey on women (because women have soft, easily manipulable minds in the view of people who dress mannequins) and everyone knows that all women like cats and all men like dogs. Also, all white people walk like this, but old people drive like -- hello? Hello? We seem to have been disconnected. Where was I? Oh, yes, at the Walgreen's drugstore looking for wood glue, to seal up the drafty cracks in the corner of my bedroom, but they didn't have any normal glue (just the crazy kind) so I bought a bunch of White Castles, and a woman guessed I was from Indiana because I liked White Castles, so I got out of there and went to CVS, where I bought an overpriced little bottle of wood glue which now decorates my wall. (Not the bottle, just the glue.) To get from one drugstore to the other I had to walk past the future location of Planet Hollywood Boston (I'm waiting for Planet Boston Hollywood) and some pretentious clothing store that has big windows with mannequins in them. These windows are currently "dressed" professionally with the empty space around the mannequins filled by -- Marshmallows tied to strings. That's right, it's a few mannequins standing amid some white threads with marshmallows (full-size, not mini) tied every foot along their length. It's like the world's most cylindrical snowflakes in zero gravity. On strings. So, take a look around YOUR town for plastic dogs and/or hovering marshmallows in store windows, and let me know what you find. I'll keep watch on the marshmallows here and will let you know if they shrink. (If they do, they'll fall out of the string loops and then their window display will be RUINED and nobody will buy their clothes, yay!) -- K. So how come chocolate comes in those giant one-pound and five-pound bars as well as miniature size and fun size, but you can't buy a five-pound marshmallow? Also, has the guy who came up with "fun size" as a synonym for "tiny amounts of food" been assassinated by ACTUAL fun-lovers yet? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fashion From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Stupidity In Your Front Window. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 00:46:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > > (James "Kibo" Parry) kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Well, I just spotted an up-and-coming trend in store windows. I'm not sure > > if it's the result of pretentious, overpaid store-window designers or if > > it's just something the store owners have been buying at Spencer Gifts. > > > > Plastic dogs. > > Remember what happened to Byte when Steve Ciarcia left? Or to seaQuest > when they killed the dolphin and replaced it with that tuna that could > split into two electric eels? Well, the same thing is happening to > window-dressing with the passing of Gene Moore. What a sad way to end > the millennium. Pass the marshmallows. Oh no! When did he die? I used to like him so much more than Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan, before he made "Roger & Me". -- K. Life would be better if he also had made Garry Marshall's "Me & The Chimp". Incidentally, Garry is Penny's grandfather. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Stupidity In Your Front Window. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 02:24:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > > > So how come chocolate comes in those giant one-pound and > > five-pound bars as well as miniature size and fun size, > > but you can't buy a five-pound marshmallow? > > Because it would be like eighty feet wide. So? I'd just wear my scuba gear when I dived in. It would be like that scene in "Dr. Strangelove" only with me instead of Slim Pickens and a giant marshmallow instead of Russia! YEEEEEEHAAWWW!!!! ALSO IT WOULD BE EDIBLE UNLIKE A REGULAR MUSHROOM CLOUD!!! Unless it's the kind that comes out of the top of a puffball when you step on it. -- K. PSSSSST, WANT SOME SPORES? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fashion From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Stupidity In Your Front Window. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 02:21:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "rjk" (rjudith@javanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [some stuff about stores putting marshmallows in their windows] > > I could answer after reading Confessions of a Window Dresser that this is > creative way this is a TROLL - in the last few months he has posted to over > 200 news groups Youre right I aggree 10000% percent! That guy must be some specific kind of jerk that I don't understand! I looked up that guy on the Web & their was some kind of Web page about him at some place like www.com.kibo and it said he was a bozo and you know they couldn't say it in print on the Web if it was'nt true!!!!! Hes obviously a lier! Nobody could possibly believe any store would deccorate its windows with marshmalows, thats too retarded to be in alt.fashion!!! And I agree with your major premise too that anyone who posts outside alt.fashion must be some kind of shallow! -- K. P.S.!!! WUV & HEARTS 4-EVA!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fashion From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Stupidity In Your Front Window. Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 01:04:43 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Noah A Christis (haon4707@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > This is the stupidest Haiku I've ever read. > > > here is some more stupid haiku for your consumption. > > fluffy marshmallows > wither under bright gaze > lucky charms > > silent protector > fashionable rubber dog > there is a sale > > friend of man > latex soldier behind glass > he eats the display Like you foolish mortals, I am also not immune to the challenge of composing The World's Stupidest Haiku. Here's mine: DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH dUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DHU DUH... DUH! THE END -- K. "Please do not write THE END on papers to go on the corkboard!" -- written by Mrs. Plantz on a paper that to go on the corkboard in 2nd grade (And now, thanks to the Internet, the electronic equivalent of the 2nd grade corkboard, I have the last laugh! THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END!) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Tab Damage: 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 11:31:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Seen in another newsgroup: > o > __---| _ _ _ > <-- ----| ]-I-I-I-[ > _ _ _ _ <.---| o /---| -- \ > ]--I-I-I-I--[ |---| | ---| |. | > \ ` '_/ | / \ | | > /^\| > [*] _| ^ / ^ \ ^ | |*|| > vvvv > |__| | / \ / `\ / \ | ===| > 0_0| > ___| ___,|__ _ _/ /=_=_=_=\ \ |, |_| > I_I__I_I__I_I (====(_________)_|_|_| > \-\--|-|--/-/ | I [ ]__I I_I__|____I_ _|_ > _| > [ \-\--|-|--/-/ _|_|_|_| |_|_|_| > |_|__|_| > |. | |' |___|_____I___|___I___|-------|_| > / \| [] .|_|-|_|-|-|_|-|_|-|_|-| [] [] > |_|_|_|_|_| > <===> | .|-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-| | / > ] []|` [] ||.|.|.|.|.|.|.|.|.|.||- <===> > _|_|_| > ] []| ` | |/////////\\\\\\\\\\.||__. | |[] > [_|_|_|_| > <===> ||||| | | | ||||.|| [] <===>_|_|_|_| > \T/ | |-- ||||| | O | O | ||||.|| . |' \T/ > _|_|_|_| > | . _||||| | | | ||||.|| | | > | > ../|' v . | .|||||/____|____\|||| /|. . | . > ./_|_|_|_|_| > _____.|//\............/...........\........../../\\\___|__|____|_________ Gard, I think you mistakenly left the Traskmobile in "puree" gear when you parked it at the top of the hill. -- K. And to think I once checked all those boxes... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: THE GLINK FILE Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 2 Jan 1999 12:20:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor So, have you been reading the three-part series in "TV Guide" attacking CNN's expose on the possible use of nerve gas in the Vietnam war, which CNN aired in September 1998? According to the deconstructions of this whole affair, the CNN producer knew she was onto something when she interviewed someone who testified that he had been sworn not to reveal for 25 years that the SOG (Green Berets) had a secret "incapacitating gas" which was code-named "glink". Everyone else followed from the revelation that the deadly gas was "glink." Well, CNN, hate to tell you this, but I was talking about the deadly neurotoxicity of glink in alt.religion.kibology A FULL YEAR before you knew about it. Either (a) I was a Green Beret in Vietnam or (b) I'm even MORE special than that and in either case I said "glink" before the Beanie Baby craze had even begun. And now, THE GLINK FILE. Every occurrence of the word "glink" on alt.religion.kibology (except for some replies to these articles by people who weren't me) and please note that I mysteriously stopped saying "glink" RIGHT BEFORE CNN THOUGHT THEY HAD BLOWN THE LID OFF THE BIGGEST SCANDAL EVER. It's too bad CNN doesn't read alt.religion.kibology. Incidentally, at the time of the first post below, I was still working at Loser Designs, and my boss had made what I think was his only stab at reading Usenet, and he told me the next day how funny my "glink" was. I wonder if they've killed him yet. Anyway, now that CNN has taken the heat for breaking this story, you can now look back on these posts from the past year and a half and realize that Kibo was making jokes about things code-named "glink" which were so clever that even the military-industrial complex didn't notice them. -- K. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Pee Wee's Playhouse vs. his house in BIG ADVENTURE ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.comedy.paul-reubens Date: Sat, 26 Jul 1997 07:06:02 GMT In alt.comedy.paul-reubens, "Franknseus" (franknseus@aol.com) wrote: > > When I was younger, I always believed that Pee Wee ordinarily lived in > the toy-filled house depicted in PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, happily eating > Mr. T Cereal and playing with Rube Goldberg devices. Then, when he wants > to go get some real playing done, he rides his scooter over to the > Playhouse, but every day has to get out the scooter again and go back to > the house (at the end of each episode). And let's not forget his job as the Fun Factory, where he manufactures one of the primary raw ingredients of fun, uranium hexaflouride gas, also known as "glink" in its dangerous concentrated form. JUST SAY NO TO GLINK. He also moonlights at the Fuzzy Pumper firehouse and mathematical logic research institute, where they probably use water to mostly put out things that resemble fires, sort of. > But then there are episodes where he sleeps at a perfectly comfortable > bedroom inside the Playhouse. So what's the deal? Does he actually live in > the Playhouse, and if so, where does he go when he leavs on his scooter? To ride the trolley home through Mr. Rogers's's Neighborhood. > Also, have you ever noticed that there is a new secret word for each > day, but when a whole night passes during an episode, they still use the > same secret word the next morning? Secret words are cumulative. They last forever. In the final episode, which never aired, Pee-wee was to despair at being unable to hear any word other than "brachiopod" without being REQUIRED BY LAW to scream until little flecks of red came out of his mouth. The screaming was STRICTLY ENFORCED by Dr. Wernher von Braun of NASA. > I bet these issues will keep you awake at night. Especially if you keep screaming just because he said today's secret word was an ellipsis. Sheesh............... By the way, why are we discussing Pee-wee Herman here? This is a newsgroup for Paul Reubens, who was COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! -- K. I'M HIGH ON GLINK! I'M HIGH ON GLINK! No, wait, it's just a really good egg roll. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A kindler gentler form of ice-hockey ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 05:18:29 GMT Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > So to make a long story hard to type, my [real] computer is at the bottom > > of my stack of stuff, so I'm making this posting from my third-oldest > > computer, with the special WELCOME DATACOMP WELCOME DATACOMP WELCOME > > DATACOMP keyboard. > > If you leave your equipment in that room it'll become even MORE > special. Next week, hold your keyboard upside-down over your > face and shake it and breathe deeply. > > Mmmm...Magic Lung. I tried that with my Atari 400 and my body exploded in a vacuum! So don't let anyone tell you there's no such thing as a keyboard vacuum. They work best if you color the bristles green with a magic marker dipped in Altoids. > > Anyway, it's kind of sad that you know the phrase "fire steeds" > > from Krull. > > Krull was the biggest thing since Star Wars in my neighborhood > when I was growing up. I had the comic book and a big, plastic, > lethal asterisk from Kay Bee Toys. I had Columbia Studios' secret file of rejected names for Krull: Axar Blarr Chag Drok Eltor Flarb Glink Hyundar Ixon Juk Kobar Lurr Moog Nabla Ozdar Prut Quisp Raglar Splam Tully Ukla Vor Wull Xarb Yonk Zorgon > I'm 25 now, so I'm of the generation that played "V" and meant it. Did you get to play Marc "Creased Hair Helmet" Singer or the much cooler Michael "Someday I'll Steal Roy Scheider's Job" Ironside? Please tell me you weren't Robert "Please Don't Remember That I Was Freddy" Englund, who has been forgotten. And please, please, don't have been Julie "Dick" Christie* or Jane "Someday I'll Be The 'They Couldn't Get Barbara Bain' Gal" Badler. * Dick Christie was the dad on "Small Wonder". My interpretation of that show is that the dad was actually the robot. -- K. I miss Mission Impossible '88, especially the episode where Peter Graves played Satan with the help of laser-powered contact lenses and shoes with heated soles. I am not making this up, and I have the tape to prove it. [ APPLAUSE ] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: SIX HECTACRES OF TROLLING! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.drugs.psychedelics, alt.drugs.crack Date: Mon, 16 Mar 1998 22:32:28 GMT Bill Newcomb (nuke@shell3.ba.best.com) wrote: > > We had a guy on our soccer team absolutely convinced that there was a > new drug sensation out there called "nosecone" that was better than > LSD and pot put together, and didn't give you a hangover, and you > could make it work better by making these weird nasal sounds, and when > you needed to sober up you could put your finger on your nose and say > "nosecone be gone!" and it would stop, just like that. Hey, nosecone is real! It's a derivative of glink, the drug for busy executives who don't have time to do enough drugs. Also nosecone is invisible. And you can get it by licking the four stars in the corner of the cover of Playboy magazine. And it's totally legal 'cause all the police are on it. And it gives you super powers like the ability to change the channels on all the TVs in the world at once. And there's a TV show with a car that could turn into two motorcycles! -- K. JUST SAY NOSE! P.S. You were on a soccer team? You're SQUARE! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Don Saklad....a small defense Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 27 May 1998 06:23:31 GMT Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In a Communist society, you'd HAVE to read Don Saklad's posts! > > [...] > > SO THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS WE LIVE UNDER A TOTALITARIAN SOCIETY > > RUN BY THE BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY, NOT BY COMMUNISTS! > > DON SAKLAD IS NOT COMMUNIST, YOU RETARD! HE'S A LIBRARITARIAN! I AM NOT A RETARD! I JUST LIKE TO USE CAPITALS! > > P.S. How come the library doesn't let you borrow coloring books? > > Because then, you wouldn't have to buy a coloring book to color books > anymore. And that could make the whole American economy, based on > coloring books and Crayola Crayons, to completely fall apart. I've noticed the infinitude of peer pressure kids direct at each other regarding needing boxes of 2^n+1 crayons. "WAAH! I WANTED THE 2048-COLOR BOX THAT COMES WITH *TWO* BLACK CRAYONS CAUSE YOU USE IT UP TWICE AS FAST AS CORNFLOWER HYPHEN BANANA!" And I'm surprised it all came about without a massive Crayola (Binney & Smith Inc.) propaganda campaign. The closest they got was a constant stream of product placements on Kermit "Jim Henson Hired Me Because He Liked My Name" Love's bad kids' puppet-plus-filler show, "Gerbert", which featured art lessons from the terrifying "Binney The Brush", who was like Dennis Hopper on speed and crack and ice and pop and luge and cramp and glink and slunch all at the same time. And he had a weirdly underlit spandex costume to make him look like he only had a really skinny handle instead of legs. And he had breasts, too, 'cause he was a spandex mime and all spandex mimes are girls. Boy mimes wear cotton leotards. But then the Christian Broadcast Network bought the show and they dumped all the filler (french "Dot & Dash" cartoons) and the Crayola product placements and Gerbert just started learning valuable lessons about the importance of Jesus in a puppet's life. Still, it doesn't compare to the really psycho Bible puppet cartoons. I mean, they didn't have a guy dressed as an ultramarine blue talking Bible named "Psalty" or a fire engine named "The Gospel Pumper" or anything. -- K. P.S. So which of the Apostles wrote the copyright page in the Bible? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The Web Browser Pie. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 07:05:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I analyzed my Web logs from the past few days to see what sort of Web browsers people were using to visit www.kibo.com. Note that this data represents only 779 hits on the front page over a few days (and some people accounted for five or more hits -- I don't force cookies into people's browsers to identify repeat visitors, it's anonymous, so I can't tell exactly how many people those 779 visitors were) so this data is probably imperfect. Also, I suspect that www.kibo.com's visitors tend to be relatively sophisticated so Linux, lynx, Opera, etc. maybe be overrepresented and AOL, WebTV, etc. underrepresented. (It would be interesting to compare logs from different types of Web sites...) BROWSERS USED TO VISIT WWW.KIBO.COM: 53.7% Netscape Navigator (Mozilla) 38.4% Internet Explorer (MSIE) - includes AOL people using MSIE 1.7% Lynx 1.0% WebTV 0.0% Mosaic (nobody used it) 3.9% other (not passing as Mozilla: Cyberdog, Emacs, etc.) 1.7% other (claiming to be Mozilla: Opera, etc.) OPERATING SYSTEMS USED BY KIBOLOGISTS: 44.8% Windows 95 or "95/NT" 12.6% Mac OS \ tie 12.6% Windows 98 / 10.1% Windows NT 9.5% UNIX (including AIX, IRIX, FreeBSD, SunOS, Solaris, Linux) 1.2% Windows 3.1 1.0% WebTV 0.4% OS/2 (version unknown) 0.3% AmigaOS 3.1 0.0% DOS (no hits were explicitly labeled "DOS") approximately 7.5% not otherwise classifiable The margin of error in all these numbers is probably pretty big, such as +/- 5.0%, because the sample is so small and weird. In other words, it's possible that WebTV is actually only negative four percent popular. What conclusions can we draw from the invisible pie chart I just described? A.) Oh, sure, Microsoft has a Web browser monopoly with almost 40% of the market. Notwithstanding the fact that the Other Leading Browser has over 50%. In other words, if Janet Reno does eliminate Microsoft's browser from space and time, Netscape's browsers will have a 90% share. B.) Lynx, which can't show pictures or tables, is substantially more popular than WebTV! C.) Windows 98 is definitely a flop, as it's only as popular as Mac OS. Windows 95, however, has pretty well killed off Windows 3.1 (thankfully) and DOS. (Although it should be pointed out that the 32-bit versions of some Web browsers may report "Win95" even when running under 98, and that maybe the people with Win3.1 or DOS just aren't running any Web browsers 'cause they don't know how to install WinSock.) D.) AmigaOS and OS/2 are still alive. Each accounted for three or four hits on the test page (probably representing one user of each.) E.) Linux was the most popular flavor of UNIX, followed by Solaris. No hits from NeXTstep/OPENstep/Rhapsody or HP/UX that I could detect. But I did get hits from people using Linux, Solaris, AIX, SunOS, IRIX, and FreeBSD. Linux turns out to be over four times as popular as WebTV. F.) Several of the otherwise unclassifiable hits were from robots -- either crawlers building databases for search engines (which my site allows) or automatic update checkers (such as the function in Microsoft Internet Explorer 4 that lets you check a site for changes, or the link verifiers I use.) G.) All the hits marked "AOL" were from Microsoft Internet Explorer. I believe nobody's allowed to use AOL's old proprietary (and bad) browser these days. (Most AOL visitors used AOL version 4.0, very few used 3.0.) Why did I collect this data? I'm working on some scripting for a different Web site (which, unlike mine, uses the sort of advanced features that might break weird browsers) and so to write a script which determines which browser you have, and shows you the appropriately compatible version of the site, I need to know how the different browsers indicate themselves. Almost all of them claim to be "Mozilla" (the development name for Netscape Navigator); Navigator says "Mozilla", Internet Explorer says "Mozilla (compatible; MSIE)", and various others say "Mozilla (compatible)". Amazingly, the WebTV tries to pass as Internet Explorer passing as Netscape Navigator: "Mozilla/3.0 WebTV/1.2 (compatible; MSIE 2.0)" (note the three different version numbers.) Anyway, if you folks want to amuse me and/or enrich my empirically gleaned knowledge of the Web's internals, please visit www.kibo.com from weirder browsers and weirder computers. (There are sites that have already catalogged this sort of stuff, but I'd rather trust my own data, and besides, it's interesting to get statistical breakdowns of Kibologists.) Special Double Invisible Bonus Points will be given to any Kibologist who visits www.kibo.com from a Web browser with a funny name, like "WebZeppelin". (WebZeppelin was an "Enhanced Mosaic", meaning Mosaic 1.0 with a price tag.) -- K. These demographics would be worth SEVERAL DOLLARS to people who want to sell computers to the only Kibologist who has a WebTV!