Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dumb Thing Of The Day. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1999 05:14:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I was at that store that every mall has one of under a different name, you know, "Natural Science Wonder Educational Things", where they sell only "Alien Autopsy" board games and Dungeons & Dragons dice and power crystals and other educational toys for children who love science, and I saw something dumb. Everywhere I looked. No, I mean I found one thing in the store that was dumber than anything else. And it wasn't a toy that was dumb, it was what the package said. You may recall that last year I ranted about the revived Merlin toy, which is now "ELECTRONIC Merlin", and predicted that the next stage would be "INTERACTIVE Merlin". And you will probably not recall that in 1994 I pointed out that Hartz was referring to its "Bizzy Balls" (plastic Wiffle balls with jingle bells inside) as "Interactive Cat Toys". (Cats are allowed to play with them, unlike those OTHER cat toys that the cats can just look at!) Well, today I saw... An "INTERACTIVE KALEIDOSCOPE"!!! Unlike the regular kind you can just look through, apparently you can touch this one. It appeared to be just a regular kaleidoscope, the kind with the little plastic disk filled with multi-colored bits of industrial waste plastic and the alternative plastic disk filled with multi-colored bits of industrial surplus plastic. But I didn't buy it so I can't say for sure that it's not voice-controlled or telepathic or otherwise interactive. -- K. Also, at the store, they had "Myst: The Board Game", which assured me it was EVEN FUN FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE A COMPUTER! But it didn't say anything about it being fun for people like me who have computers and think Myst is about as interactive as a kaleidoscope, only it doesn't do anything when you shake it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.zoom From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dumb Thing Of The Day. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1999 23:15:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [re the "Interactive Kaleidoscope"] Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > industrial surplus plastic. But I didn't buy it so I can't say for sure > > that it's not voice-controlled or telepathic or otherwise interactive. > > My spacebar bounced so the previous lines appeared at the top of > the window when I started reading that article. AND IT MADE PERFECT > SENSE. This proves that Kibo's posts are interactive holograms. Either that or those two lines are the most brilliant thing anyone ever said. So I demand that you validate my theory by pasting them into the top of other messages to make me look brainy. +----------------------------- clip & save ---8<-----------------------------+ | industrial surplus plastic. But I didn't buy it so I can't say for sure | | that it's not voice-controlled or telepathic or otherwise interactive. | +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +----------------------------- clip & save --->8-----------------------------+ | industrial surplus plastic. But I didn't buy it so I can't say for sure | | that it's not voice-controlled or telepathic or otherwise interactive. | +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +----------------------------- clip & save ---8<-----------------------------+ | industrial surplus plastic. But I didn't buy it so I can't say for sure | | that it's not voice-controlled or telepathic or otherwise interactive. | +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Note that you must clip the middle one counterclockwise and the other two clockwise and you must always start at the little scissors icon in the middle of the line or the coupon reverses and makes your groceries cost EXTRA. Now, speaking of lame "interactive" things... I have in front of me the ad for the new "Zoom" show, the revival of WGBH's seventies kids' show where kids write letters saying what they want to see. Curiously, all the letters were about things like "DEAR ZOOM, PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO MAKE 'ANTS ON A LOG' FROM A CELERY STICK, PEANUT BUTTER, AND RAISINS," not "DEAR ZOOM, PLEASE SHOW PEOPLE GETTING KILLED BY MARTIANS." I think these letters just MIGHT have all been written by the show's staff. Anyway, the ad for the new show says: (swirly distorted Gill Sans) blends the new ZOOM For kids 6-11, the '70s spirit of the original playful, interactive energy technosnap of series with the high- the '90s. Fun & games, literacy & lunacy. So I would like to point out that (a) wow, you can write letters to this TV show, unlike any other, and this is what it means whenever the people on CNN keep raving about when they warn you that we'll have Interactive TV in every home by next year, and (b) remember how I pointed out how advertisers still think the nineties are just beginning? Well, not only is this new Zoom updated for the nineties, and thus not Y2K-ready, but it utilizes the "technosnap" of the nineties. Did I have a technosnap at any time in the last ten years, and is so, was it something I could enjoy in public? -- K. "Affordable for men! Absolutely free for women!" -- commercial for "iMatch", which I am guessing is like "Match Game '77" with the high-energy technosnap of the '90s plus it comes in colors. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dumbest Thing Said In A Bad Old Movie Today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 02:58:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, the movie is Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase -- two warning signs of bad movies from the eighties -- in "Spies Like Us", the one where they go to Russia and run around in their underwear and then save the world from the guy who wishes he were Sterling Hayden in "Dr. Strangelove". In their underwear, Dan and Chevy (who plays the stupid one, in case you couldn't tell) have just built their own transmitter to destruct the nuclear missile that's about to destroy the world. Elsewhere, the evil not-Sterling-Hayden general (Steve Forrest, best known for his role as one of "Mommie Dearest"'s husbands) sees the missile turn into a big red explosion symbol on his tracking screen, and on the screen it says that the missile blew up at "0300Z", "Z" being "Zulu", the secret military time zone which is exactly the same as Greenwich Mean Time. So, anyway, the screen says "0300Z". With me so far? The guy sitting at the console turns around and says, "Sir, the missile destructed at THREE THOUSAND HOURS ZULU." (Emphasis mine, stupidity his.) THE MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX IS CONCEALING THE LAST SIX HOURS OF THE DAY FROM US!!! Note that movies have people who have the job title of "Script Supervisor", people whose purpose in life it is to sit there and say, "No, you can't say 'thirty hundred', it says 'three thousand' here in the script." This reminds me of the time on "Star Trek" when William Shatner said, "...by installing a booster, we can increase that capability on the order of ONE TO THE FOURTH POWER." (It's in the episode "Court Martial", when they demonstrate that the computer can amplify heartbeats so much that they make everyone's ears hurt from the 1^4 power.) Note that "Star Trek" ran all their scripts through Kellam-DeForest Research to have their professionals point out all scientific inaccuracies. (Someday Gharlane will have to explain to us just why their fact-checking and legal clearance company happened to have exactly the same name as DeForest Kelley only spelled even more oddly.) So anyway, if movies and TV can do such stupid things with numbers, I think there's still hope that Archimedes Plutonium can get his movies made. -- K. HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM TIMES ONE TO THE YEAR 2000 POWER! [ APPLAUSE 2000 ] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,comp.sys.mac.advocacy From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: New iMac colors that Apple's not smart enough to invent. X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1999 09:04:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology I thunk up some more colors for iMacs because I think that if I post this Apple might give me a free iMac and then if I have an iMac I'll be so much more creative than you and then I'll be able to think up MORE colors. Peanut Butter. Whiteberry. Tingleberry. [(TM) of Now & Later candy] Noberry. Strawbana. [(TM) of some chemical company that makes candy] Agent Orange. Wackyfrootz. [(TM) of Life Savers candy] Uglifruit. Wax Paper. [whoops, they already did that for most of the iMac.] Cheez Whiz. Chicken Pox. Salmon. Salmonella. _ Dranoberry. Janitor In A Berry. Red Teal. Landfilbert. Macadami-duh. [optimized for Multimedi-duh. Also it starts with "Mac".] Chex Party Mix. Factory Floor Sweepings Surprise. [also used to make plastic model kits.] Dandelion. Tropical Disease. Orbitz Dotty. Static. Cat Hair. Booberry. [(TM) of General Mills cereal] Count Hairballula. -- K. I apologize for those last three being so gross. By the way, if Apple is so smart, why aren't any of their computers apple-colored? Also they need scratch'n'sniff touchscreens. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New iMac colors that Apple's not smart enough to invent. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1999 00:41:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I thunk up some more colors for iMacs because I think that if I post > > this Apple might give me a free iMac and then if I have an iMac I'll be > > so much more creative than you and then I'll be able to think up MORE > > colors. > > I remember when Radio Shack discontinued half of their Flavoradio > flavors. I cried over lost opportunities. Then I saw they had new > SPDT switches and I laughed. Poor Spot! His birth certificate was printed in one of those fonts where the "O" and the "D" are both squares and so he had to spend the rest of his life as a Single-Pole Double-Throw switch in Radio Shack! "WAAH!" said Spot, "I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A SWITCH! I'M A BRAINY DOG!" This is how the dipswitch got its name. I wrote a whole Spot story about Flavoradios once (around 1990 or 1991) but I can't find it now. Waah! Kibo cried! Incidentally, Radio Shack's repair manual for the Delicious Flavoradio (I didn't know they were supposedly "delicious") says, and I quote in full: 120-0203A DELICIOUS FLAVORADIO Faxback Doc. # 20141 To order parts call 1-800-843-7422 or visit your local RadioShack store. Reference # Cat.No. Description NP Part # ------------------------------------------------------------------------ DUE TO COST OF UNIT AA0000X 10610889 DOOR,BATTERY W/SPONGE DB1017 (This list was generated on 10/10/1998) I like that they don't even have to spell it out: "Delicious Flavoradio, due to cost of unit, yadda." They just have a big rubber stamp that says "Q.C. passed but is junk" that they put on everything they sell. Anyway, 'cause I couldn't find my old Flavoradio story (which probably predates alt.religion.kibology and thus isn't archived) here's my other alt.religion.kibology post to mention Flavoradios. -- K. Mmm, tastes like tandy! ////// 1996 ////// 1996 ////// 1996 ////// 1996 ////// 1996 ////// 1996 ////// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: No More Purple Leather Suede @ Tandy Leather Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 6 Sep 1996 05:06:35 GMT Marcus DragonSlayer (marcus@nando.net) wrote: > > I've just learned that Tandy Leather will be discontinuing it's heavy > Purple Suede and that there will be no more after current inventories > are gone. Oh no! What'll Tandy use to make the innards of the Flavoradios now? REAL components? -- K. "He's been going from Radio Shack to Radio Shack, and he always sniffs the Flavoradios." -- Matt McIrvin re Kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: No More Purple Leather Suede @ Tandy Leather Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.krunk Date: Mon, 9 Sep 1996 07:12:54 GMT Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "He's been going from Radio Shack to Radio Shack, and he always sniffs > > the Flavoradios." -- Matt McIrvin re Kibo > > I love the smell of new computer manuals. They take me back to when we > got the Atari 400. It's the New Car Smell for geeks. I like the smell of hot TV sets that are full of dust, but only if they're tuned to The Classic Sports Network while it's airing that strange Australian sport where dwarves toss big people. -- K. AND THEN THEY FLOOR THE ACCELERATOR, BAREFOOT, WITH PAINTED TOENAILS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New iMac colors that Apple's not smart enough to invent. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1999 07:16:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Tingleberry. > > > > Cat Hair. > > > > Booberry. > > > > Count Hairballula. > > > You forgot: > > Roddenberry > > Majelenta > > and > > Butthead Astronoberry I would just like to point out that if Gene Roddenberry had been named I. M. A. Dingleberry, "Star Trek" would have been recognized earlier as a work of genius, because anyone who could get a TV show on the air for three years despite being named I. M. A. Dingleberry must be a genius, and then he'd be respected as a brilliant imaginagician and not some guy who accidentally put his name on the credits of some stupid TV show. This phenomenon could be excitingly enhanced if his name were I. M. A. Big Dingleberry, I. M. A. DINGLEBERRY IN ALL CAPS, or especially I. M. A. Dingleberry And This Show Sucks. Having a hit show with any of those people listed in the titles would be one of my life's great accomplishments. I mean his life's. I AM NOT I. M. A. DINGLEBERRY!!! Also, the Butthead Astronoberry iMac would come wrapped in wax paper soaked in BHA to preserve freshness. The BHA would, of course, be extracted from Carl Sagan's body by a large hydraulic press which would be available in five decorator colors, including Butthead Astronoberry, which would require them to travel back in time and clone Carl Sagan so they could kill him to make the paint for the machine they would later use to really kill him. I love the way cereals can get away with murder if they smear the murder on the packaging rather than directly on the Fruity Dingles. Like, if they found that x grams of artificial Shatnerberry flavor caused cancer and their cereal contained x grams, they'd just subtract x grams from the cereal and smear x times fifty grams on the cereal bag and hope that at least x grams would rub off on the cereal to make it taste really good because they hate kids. Excuse me, when I said "Shatnerberry", I misspelled "Count Hairballula". My apologies. -- K. For something else I'd rather admit to. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New iMac colors that Apple's not smart enough to invent. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1999 23:50:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, the Butthead Astronoberry iMac would come wrapped in wax paper > > soaked in BHA to preserve freshness. > > When Kibo publishes the 1999A.1.a_1.pdf archive (which will cover the > first 10 days of this year, be 38Mb in size, and have 437 separate > pictures of Scott Bakula and Gil Gerard) on Christmas Day 2000 I will > immediately look for my post that started it all, the original iMac colors > post! THE BIRTH OF A MEME! Unless I posted a followup to your article where I quoted all of it and mocked it piece by piece, in which case it'll just contain my followup which contains all of your article plus my better parts. WANNA SEE MY BETTER PARTS? > That puts me right up there with Archie Pu and the assorted phreaks that > haunt the dark places in alt.torture and sci.physics. KEWL!!!1! Also, when you posted it, you said Andrea Orr wrote it for the Reuters news service. I'm sorry, but you have violated the copyright of someone whose name is two Boolean operators plus "rea" and "r", so you're going to be put in a special jail where you're only allowed to say the words "and", "or", "not", "nand", "xor", and "rear". I once had a class (Computer Organization & Logic Design) where the final exam was that we had an hour to design the circuitry for a vending machine that could take three different sizes of coins and make change for products of two different prices, using only "and"'s and "or"'s and "not"'s and I/J flip-flops, all of which we had to be able to make from "nand" gates, because the laws of physics say that the entire Universe is made out of "nand" gates at the lowest level. Had the soda machine been a modern one with gourmet tap water in plastic bottles that cost a whole dollar, I would have used "bill" gates. Anyway, THAT'S what I call building your own computer, not like in all those commercials where every computer maker in the world insists that they're building the computer Just For You after you check the box which indicates whether you want Generic Computer With Windows 98 or Generic Computer With Windows NT. (There is a Best Buy commercial -- one of the ones with the scary guy dressed as a suggestion box shaped like a price tag shaped like a Best Buy logo, only the foam rubber suit is a little too small and there are lots of low-angle shots showing the thing's crotch -- where they take some bozo on a tour of the back of the Best Buy store where they see this huge team of trained technicians assembling his computer while he waits, and at one point there's this woman wiggling a screwdriver against the side of a hard drive who says "I'm making a hard drive for your computer." Yeah, right. I want to see the room where Best Buy manufactures the Pentium II processors because they got a disco in there unless other TV commercials lie to me as much as Best Buy does. What Apple should do is to *actually* make computers to order, so that when you order one of their new fruity-colored computers you can take a swatch to the Best Buy store and they put it under the scanner which then mixes one drop of teal dye with two drops of aquamarine dye and then injection-molds a plastic case that will match the shade of your Easter bonnet. And the computer would come with a single white cotton glove so the ladies wouldn't soil their hands from touching the mouse, just like those classy ladies at the casino. -- K. MICKEY MOUSE IS A GAMBLER!!! AND A WOMAN!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Quote Of The Day Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1999 23:20:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Overheard from one of the stupid football announcers on my TV because the stupid football is delaying the stupid news about the stupid President: "We got flags everywhere so there coulda been a whole lotta everything going on." You know, if these people were of reasonable human intelligence, they would just say things like "HE'S GOT THE BALL AND HE'S RUNNING! OH NO, THEY TACKLED HIM!" But no, they have to go philisophizing about the meaning of Having Flags Everywhere in the grand scheme of Everything Going On. NOBODY TOLD ME THAT CBS WAS SHOWING FLAG FOOTBALL AND NOT REAL FOOTBALL!!! -- K. Flag football would be more fun if your gym teacher were Archimedes Plutonium 'cause he would use electric velcro. Also, he'd make you play dodgeball until you learned all about science. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.art.bodypainting,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "Draw in the Millennium Contest" Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1999 01:43:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor in alt.art.bodypainting, "TattoosTmp" (tattoostmp@aol.com) wrote: > > Design a tempororary tattoo for the Millennium If it lasts for a thousand years, can it still be called "temporary"? > and win $100 plus 50 free tattoos. I think it would be a more exciting contest if we could win fifty real tattoos. Then somewhere someone's doorbell would ring and Christopher Lloyd would be standing there with a big vibrating needle and he'd yell, "YOU'VE JUST WON FIFTY FREE TATTOOS! TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF _NOW_!" and then he'd start doodling all over you. And he'd keep muttering things like "OOPS!" and "SORRY, IT'S MY FIRST DAY!" and "ARE THERE SUPPOSED TO BE ANY UMLAUTS IN 'BAY CITY ROLLERS'?" > CONTEST DEADLINE IS NOW FEBRUARY 20th, 1999. > See http://tattootemps.com/contest.html to enter. > > ------------------------------------ > T A T T O O T E M P S > http://tattootemps.com > "make a lasting impression" > ------------------------------------ If you come up with a temporary tattoo that can be applied over the Internet, I'm sold, and I'll start E-mailing them to all sorts of people. -- K. If you get any E-mails that say "GOOD TIMES", don't open them or you could get a tattoo!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 1999. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 05:32:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > I'm not even going to MENTION the "Week Zero" bug that'll probably screw > > up fewer people that Y2K, but it'll hit 5 months earlier. [It affects > > cheap Global Positioning System receivers which break on Aug. 23, 1999.] > > As many have pointed out elsewhere, a major misconception about the whole > thing (and a contributor to the apocalyptic hysteria) is the idea that it > is *all* going to hit at once on 1/1/2000. Of course, the credit card > industry has already had to deal with expiration dates. I just want to know what they're going to do when they run out of those swirly little deformed letters they use to indicate what kind of card it is. After all, sooner or later there are going to be more than 26 kinds of credit cards, or someone else will want to issue a card which starts with "M", and they'll have to start coming up with new swirly letter "M"s and "V"s which people can tell from the old swirly letters. > Some systems had Year 1999 trouble on Friday; probably the most spectacular > failure had to do with, I think, taxi meters in Singapore. I think that at the end of New Year's Day, 2000, we need to compile a list of everything that broke and sort it from most important to funniest. I think Singaporean taxi meters would rank somewhere in the middle, unless they're delivering door-to-door durians ordered over the Web (you can do this in Singapore -- visit a Web page and send some durians to "your" home by taxi. I know that if I lived there people would send me a lot of 'em. Unless the people who do that get beaten by death by the police, which they probably do.) Anyway, after everything which is gonna break has broken, let's put it all in a big pile and laugh at it. -- K. My computer is so old that it breaks after 12:59! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Advice for the lovelorn Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1999 07:29:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > Actually, we had just watch many hours of the old silent film > > serial of The Vampires, and as I was dressed for the occassion > > (due to the sub-zero weather), > > You were wearing a cape and plastic pointy teeth?? Bluh! I chust vanted to say that I vacky-parsed that as "vearing a cape und plastic pointy pants"! Bluh! > Remember: Cape does not allow wearer to fly! Und I chust vacky-parsed dot as "does not allow eraser to fly!" Bluh! > > I was just plum inspired. See, that new plummerberry iMac we gave you is working. You're now over a billion times more creative than someone who owns a computer which can't display color graphics because its case is all one color of plastic! > then write some HAIKU! > Duh! Haiku is formulaic and therefore poetry is not creative, you will now be dis-int-e-gra-ted. Truly creative would be coming up with a new line of personal computers where they came in five models and the only difference between them was that each was shaped like a different haiku. I don't mean shaped like the things the haikus describe, I mean shaped like a haiku. They'd have 5 slots on the top, 7 ports in the middle, and 5 fans on the bottom. And instead of a keyboard they'd have the new KeyBall(tm) which is a glob of Silly Putty where you break into a neighbor's house and press it to the letters on THEIR old-fashioned keyboard that you want to steal and it faithfully copies them, except they always come out backwards, but people who have computers like this don't write real sentences anyway. -- K. new iMac color #58: Shredded Coconut With Plutonium Spaghetti Cup Holder ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Anagram generator Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3009 centons, 15 microns, 0.17 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 06:35:55 GMT X-Complaints-To: Problems with this article? Dial 1-800-CALL-THX. Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > OH BE QUIET!! WHEN YOU WORK IN A SCHOOL ALL DAY, YOU BEG FOR A RELEASE > FROM THE TEDIOUS, ASEXUAL BOREDOM!!! You enjoy sexual boredom? > THAT'S ALL I MEANT! I DO NOT TURN EVERYTHING INTO AN INNUENDO!!!1 Well, you don't NEED to turn everything into an innuendo, because a lot of stuff already is. -- K. Sexual boredom is like Andy Rooney only sexy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: big suck theory Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 10:19:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net commented insightfully on Alexander Abian's "Big Suck" theory: > > I like partly some ideas of Abian. Every time Abian posts one of his long theses, I am forced to agree that, yes, I also like part of it. The part of his theories I like the best is always THE END! > The laws of science are part of the laws > of God. The laws of God apply to people and particles. Opposites attract > like girls and boys. A person who tries to get every thing and does not do > any thing for people can become like a black hole. A lot of not normal > things happen to a black hole kind of like dishonest people. Most people do > not want to run into a black hole and most people do not want to run into > mean people. A lot of people like power and they like to use power. But if > a person uses power they will lose power to conserve energy and momentum. Yes, people are just like black holes. If a black hole attracts a star, the black hole has to be the opposite gender of the star. But two black holes will attract each other. Doesn't this mean that your theory proves that ALL BLACK HOLES ARE GAY? Or at least very drunk? -- K. P.S. I like part of your theory too and I want to give it part of a hug. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Birthdays O' Plenty Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1999 03:45:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > [re celebrity birthdays, and Larry Storch's too] > > Friday: > Larry Storch 76 > Soupy Sales 73 > Charles Osgood 66 > Shirley Bassey 62 > Stephen Hawking 57 > David Bowie 52 > > There's some EXCELLENT material here for a short story, but I think the > short story would have to be pretty darn long [...] SPOT'S WORLD OF SUPER ADVENTURE ------------------------------- Entirely Written By James "Kibo" Parry generic story skeleton v.1 used under the GNU Public License Poor Spot! He was dead! Again! And to make matters worse, he was being chased by The Fake Ghostbusters! "Let's get 'em, boys!" yelled Larry Storch as he hopped onto the back of Stephen Hawking's wheelchair. He gestured to his pet gorilla, who had the same eyes as George Barrows. "Do you think I was born yesterday?" said the gorilla, who left the story in a huff. His replacement as Larry Storch's wacky ghost-bustin' sidekick was none other than Soupy Sales. Clinging to Hawking's souped-up wheelchair for dear life, the three of them raced off to where Spot was floating around inside the Vatican, annoying the pope and chewing on the priceless tapestries, and worse -- ghost Spot was leaving invisible dog doots in mid-air. They came to the steps of the Vatican and Storch and Sales ran up the stairs, while Hawking tried to push the wheelchair lift's button with the only muscle in his body he could move, his left eyeball. And the button had gum stuck to it, and the gum had dead bugs stuck to it, but not so stuck that they wouldn't also stick to his eyeball. Eventually the great physicist joined Storchy and Soupy in the Holy See. "Eww!" shouted Storch as Spot's ghost piddled on him, "More like the Holy Pee!" Soupy Sales threw a cream pie at Spot, but it went right through him because he was just a ghost. Of a dog. Who people ignored even when he was alive. Unfortunately, the Pope, with his magical powers, was mightily irritated by the invisible, insubstantial, inedible Spot. The Pope ripped his zuchetto in half from rage and demanded that The Fake Ghostbusters would send Spot to Hell right this minute, or he'd stop praying for them! "We're gonna need reinforcements," said Storch, "... call in the rest of the team." Soupy reached into the center pocket of his pants and pulled out his Soupaphone and signalled the remaining three Fake Ghostbusters. With a giant SHA-ZOT, they materialized thanks to their Fake Ghostbusters Lazon Cube Teleportation Unit, which looked like a Dorito big enough to stand under so that it could beam you anywhere. They were resplendent in their orange and green sequined battletards and they made their presence known, and how! "I AM CHARLES OSGOOD! I READ THE NEWS IN RHYME, WHICH MAKES ME BETTER THAN DEAD DOGS OR OTHER SLIME! TIME AGO, I STARTED THE WHOLE RAP CRAZE, WAY BACK A WHOLE BUNCH OF DAYS!" "I AM DAVID BOWIE AND I AM THE AMBISEXUAL BEING WHO FELL TO EARTH! MY STAYING POWER IS LIMITLESS EXCEPT I AM SUSCEPTIBLE TO BEING SHAKEN TO DEATH BY THOSE LITTLE RIDING HELICOPTERS IN THE MALL FOOD COURT!" "I AM SHIRLEY BASSEY AND I MADE THE 'GOLDFINGER' SONG SOUND AS CHEESY AS IT DESERVED! IIIIIT WAAAAAAAAS CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONLYYYYYYYYYYYY CHEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!" "Quick, team!" yelled Soupy, "the six of us must form Megagarn!" Sales, Storch, Osgood, Bowie, and Bassey joined hands, then they realized that Hawking's wheelchair was stuck on one of the fountains several feet away so Soupy put his foot in Hawking's lap. There was an ear-shattering flash and an eyeball-searing KABOOM as the six of them fused into Megagarn, a cream-pie-armed gold-plated sexually ambiguous rappin' robot in a wheelchair! I now turn control of this story over to Dean Lenort, now that I've gotten it started, it should be real easy for him to come up with the coolest ending ever! -- K. Also I forgot to mention that Archimedes Plutonium is in this story as Wonder Dishwasher. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Birthdays O' Plenty Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1999 04:00:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > Dean Lenort wrote: > > > > > > none of my non-lard based gifts have arrived yet and my birthday was > > > days ago. Should I contact UPS or the Postal Service? > > > > Oh good, so you got the lard one, then? > > It's time to total up what I've gotten thus far for my birthday. > > 1- A cow-orker paid for my Conchita Pibil at lunch. When you break a rock with a sledgehammer and there's a gerbil inside, that's a Pibil. They're really hard to manufacture, as it takes millions of years to make a rock and you have to keep the gerbil alive all that time and train him not to breathe or poop or chew his way out through the rock. And I guarantee you, gerbils can chew through anything. I once came back from two weeks' vacation and my gerbils had eaten their entire hamster wheel. I guess that's why the things never say "FOR GERBILS", just "FOR HARMLESS HAMSTERS, WHICH BY THE WAY ONLY SMELL A TENTH AS BAD AS GERBILS." > 2- A nifty card from the folks complete with the traditional J&H Liquors > mini-calendar. When calendar not in use shall keep in polyenvelope. Is it Y2K-compliant? If it is you should through it away so you won't look like a sissy, us Real Men want to take our chances with the world blowing up!!! I want my calendar to explode in 2000 and I don't care who knows it which is why I'm trying really hard to tell everyone in the world about it!!!!!! > 3- A book: Lard "Through the Ages" - A historical romp detailing the ways > that lard has adapted to meet the changing needs of society. The first lard was made from crushed barley mixed with mercury and kept in burlap sacks with large holes cut in the sacks to ensure that there were plenty of different places where you could get the lard out. Later, after the Industrial Revolution, synthetic lard, made from cows, was invented. > 4- A lard sculpture of Moon Base Alpha. More specifically, I gave you a lard sculpture of Moonbase Alpha in the episode where the Moonbase gets covered with killer soap suds from outer space. I had a lot of fun putting the bubbles into the lard with a cocktail straw. All right, I cheated. It's just a bar of Ivory soap I microwaved for five minutes. But it's really the same as foamed lard, except that it smells like stupid soap perfume. > 5- Enrollment in the Crisco 'Lard of the Month' Club. This month the gift is a packaged selection of lard-based clothing, such as a shiny leotlard and, to cover your bald spot, a jaunty felardora. > 6- A board game: Lardwars! You DON'T want a descrption. Really. When you watched "Newhart", you always rooted for the Darryl in the middle during their nightly lard fights, didn't you? My favorite part was when Larry got killed by Rutger Hauer between scenes, either that or he just turned into a jacket because after Rutger Hauer crushes that guy's head if you look closely when he takes the elevator down the side of the pyramid he's holding Larry's jacket. Also, Harrison Ford must be an android because otherwise Sean Young and Anne Heche wouldn't have made out with him if he were a Real Man. > 7- A cookbook: "Healthier Cooking with Lard". Yeah, right. Lard is just the thing that butter is the lame version of. If you don't believe me, look up lard and butter in any Spanish dictionary -- manteca and mantequilla respectively. Also go to Taco Bell and try their authentic mantecos, globs of lard deep-fried in lard and topped with lard whiz. > I'd just like to say THANKSYOUS ALL SO VERY MUCH. Since all the lard type > gifts arrived anonymously (imagine that) if you'd go ahead and take credit > for your gift I'll send you a nice Thankyou card. Really. I take credit for all the gifts you don't want and if you send them to me I'll return them for you so I can get my money back. -- K. THEY'RE LARDTASTIC!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Birthdays O' Plenty Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3009 centons, 15 microns, 0.17 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 12 Jan 1999 06:14:40 GMT X-Complaints-To: Problems with this article? Dial 1-800-CALL-THX. Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > When you break a rock with a sledgehammer and there's a gerbil inside, > > that's a Pibil. [...] > > And I guarantee you, gerbils can chew through anything. > > At work[1] we have a colony of about 40-50 naked mole rats. Someone in > the exhibits department got the ingenius idea of molding concrete blocks > to fit into the Habitrail-like tunnels they're kept it. One of the > blocks was like a cylindrical chamber with two exits into the tubs, and a > clear-plastic top. The kicker is that they had mixed peanuts (in the > shell) in with the concrete and those colonialist little bastards would > chew through the concrete to get the peanuts. The second time I read that it said "The knickers are that..." and I turned into Benny Hill for about half a moment before I remembered that I had already read that paragraph and it didn't say anything naughty. So, you stir the concrete mix, peanuts, and rats together in a big vat, or do you have a Rat-And-Cement Mixer? Or do you just put the rats through the rock tumbler? > At any rate, they removed that particular chamber because the protein was > too much for them, and they started getting the idea --and the energy-- > to expand and depart the exhibit. THROUGH THE FOURTH DIMENSION!!!! That's how they can get into your TV's picture tube without breaking it, and sometimes they even show up inside helium balloons, to say nothing of Coke bottles. > Also, recently, a female besides the queen had pups, which was completely > unusual, especially as she's a rat, not a dog. > so the staffers were put on notice to keep them seperated, "Dr. Nick says to keep the legs in this bucket, the heads in this bucket..." "He meant the rats, not the staffers." "Oh. Well, it's still fun either way. Hey, who took my pinking shears?" > because they would tend to fight for the crown. As per usual with a > litter born, the pups were eaten within a few days. By the other mole > rats, that is. And KFC customers. > BTW, they're ugly in an endearing cute kinda way, unless one of the > Science Interpreters[1] hasn't cleaned on their toilet chambers recently, > in which case their cuteness is greatly outweighed by That Obnoxious Odor. I take it you've never been in the back of the supermarket where they keep the six-month-old flat fermented watermelons under the crates of durians that have gerbils that like to eat BooBerry living inside. > At any rate, these creatures are perfectly adapted to be the link between > gerbils and Pibils, though cross-breeding will be difficult, because a > mole rat could eat a gerbil in 20 seconds flat. What kind of experiments ARE you doing with that tiny electrified Colloseum? And what's with the tiny Giant H? > More notes on NMR behavior: There is still a few tunnels that end with > concrete blocks (with creamy peanut butter instead of peanuts), MMM, PEANUT CONCRETE. LIKE PEANUT BRITTLE WITHOUT ALL THE ANNOYING BRITTLENESS. > but there's always a mole rat 'guarding' the end of the tunnel. And while it > appears to be sleeping, it'll usually scuffle with any rat that decides > to come over and try a few gnaws on the block. Have you thought about giving your rats a television set, or possibly Internet access? A WebTV might be good. > [1] Remember, I work for SCIENCE. No, you work for RATS, you RAT SLAVE, YOU. -- K. Now, Archimedes Plutonium, he works with virtual reality... MAKING DISHES VIRTUALLY SPOTLESS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Burger King Van Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 08:46:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Aaron A. (DoctorAaron@webtv.net) wrote: > > There is a house not too far from my own which has, for as long as I can > remember, had a Burger King van parked in front. It has a big BK logo > on the side, captioned by the words, "Serving the finest people in the > world "ALASKANS"*." It was there when I moved in 4 1/2 years ago, and > has never moved so far as I can tell. I pass the house at least four > times a day, and it has never failed to be right there. > > *Yes, that is an extraneous set of quotation marks, plus the word > 'Alaskans,' or rather, 'ALASKANS,' is on a 30 degree upward slant, as > opposed to the rest of the phrase, which is nice and horizontal and > tidy-looking. > > [...] > > Does anybody have a clue what the hell is going on here? One WebTV owner knows how quote marks work. This scares me more than the news that Burger King is serving Alaskans to the best people in the world. SOYLENT WHOPPERS ARE ALASKANS!!! -- K. I think we should kick Alaska out of the U.S. and make Animal 57 a state. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.fast-food From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Burger King Van Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1999 07:21:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > DoctorAaron@webtv.net (Aaron A.) wrote: > > > > 3. I, through my banking connections, am acquainted with the owner of > > BK's local franchises, and I asked him about the van yesterday. He says > > that they have never used vans that looked anything like that. > > > > Does anybody have a clue what the hell is going on here? > > Eventually the inhabitants of the place will get around to looking in the > van, and it will turn out to contain about $300,000 worth of audio > snooping equipment and two guys with big headphones and lots of stubble. > The next day, everyone involved will be quietly killed and dumped in > the ocean. They ALREADY did that and replaced the ex-occupants with repliccupants. This is why they don't complain when the "Burger King" "van" spies on the "inhabitants" of that "house". Have a "nice" day. -- K. Also watch out for James Coburn because he grins like an idiot whenever he's a spy, so you'll have to shoot him with the T. J. Looker gun during one of the fake commercials for "T. J. Lazer" toothpaste. I JUST CLAIMED 99% OF THE McIRVIN LIMIT FOR KIBONIA!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Community Service Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1999 07:32:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > - Helpful home improvement hint!!!1!!1! When placing a fresh bead of red laser light on the back of Bob Hope's head, remember that he is made from > caulk along a shower door, make sure that the caulk exits the tube from left to right in an orderly fashion while singing The School Harmony Song to > the nozzle and not from a large hole that blows out of the back of the high-water pants you're wearing. 'CAUSE YOU'RE 'SPECTIN' A FLOOD! > tube. Cleanup is much easier when finished. Cleanup is MUCH easier before you BEGIN, you bozo. -- K. I was going to make a pun about screaming because you're a little kid who glued two cheap Taiwanese-cloned Apple Desktop Bus keyboards to your face named MacAlly Caulking but I decided it was stupid. WELCOME DADACOMP ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cooties (was: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 00:50:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In article , (Michael, your Message-ID is at least half as long as Lee Bumgarner's.) Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > I'm sorry, but I find that extremely offensive. NOBODY has ownership > > over what is funny in this group, NOBODY dictates the "standards" to > > which we are supposed to "live up". Kibo may have a steering hand in > > the directions in which the memes travel, but even he does not come down > > and set limits or define parameters; even Kibo doesn't come down from > > his high humor horse and claim "this is funny", or "this is not funny", > > or "this is a troll". And if HE doesn't do it, then by Kibo WE should > > not deign to consider ourselves capable of taking up the mantle. If > > anything, the "collective" ARK decides what is funny: a true democratic > > decision-making group created ad hoc with each post, with no ties to the > > past other than the constant mass repetition of memes. > > There was someone a while back who did that better than you, but I've > forgotten who it was. Heck, I've forgotten that guy *and* David Pacheco, too. I think the first guy might have been Archimedes Bumgarner, the guy with the "Time Has Purple Stripes" theory. Or maybe Danny Drucker. But as to the second guy, I have _no_ idea who he used to be before he stuck his finger into the electrical socket and all the electricity drained out of his body and he slowly deflated with a sound like a leaky balloon filled with Sally Struthers's voice. -- K. P.S. I AM NOT FUNNY! <-- I WIN!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.men.alpha From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Did Moonbase Alpha ever save the Universe? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1999 05:32:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > Well, I hate to be a Mr. Negativity here, but the fact is it's going to > take a whole lot of money and effort to get Moonbase Alpha up and running > by September. And so far, the best argument we have in favor of the thing > is that blasting the Moon out of orbit will wreak havoc with our entire > ecosphere. > > So I'm wondering, do we have any evidence from the TV show that Moonbase > Alpha will ever do anything for the Earth? Like destroying a giant > blender that threatens to turn the entire galaxy into a Milkywayshake? > Or sending Mr. Spock back in time to teach Thomas Edison how to vulcanize > rubber? > > How do we sell this thing to Congress? Show them pictures of the giant shower-curtains-and-plastic-tubes people that are trying to eat all of our radioactive waste and emphasize that only Martin Landau can see them, and only after he suffers a head injury. Also point out that Barbara Bain will be on the Moon when it blows up, plus a bunch of foreigners like the guy who keeps telling everyone he's from Australia, the African guy who starts crying whenever they have to turn off "Computer", and that gal with the plastic millipedes glued to where her eyebrows used to be and her ears spray-painted brown to make it look like she has bigger sideburns. Also point out how "Space: 1999" is better than "Star Trek" because on "Star Trek" Kirk and Spock were madly in love, while on "Space: 1999" Martin Landau and Barbara Bain could barely stand to be in the same room. The clincher will be when you show documented photographic evidence that someone who was once a "Saturday Night Live" cast member DIED on Moonbase Alpha and we have to blast the Moon into space so that her ghost will keep hovering over that guy's bed on the surface of the Moon and reduce the number of shadows of "Saturday Night Live"'s former self within our nation's Solar System. For extra credit, name the "Saturday Night Live" person who was on "Space: 1999". And no, it wasn't in the episode where Joan Collins played a cannibal, or in the one where space aliens have an awesome technology that can duplicate Martin Landau but not PART HIS HAIR ON THE RIGHT SIDE WITH AN ORDINARY HOUSEHOLD COMB. -- K. In the future, Martin Landau will comb his hair with a computer! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fashion,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do you alternate deoderants? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 01:21:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.fashion, "COMMISSIONER PAUL E" (BigDaddyDrool@webtv.net) wrote: > > --WebTV-Mail-229774133-295 > Content-Type: Text/Plain; Charset=US-ASCII > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > Do you alternate deoderants regularly? If so, what brands do you switch > around with? > > cpe Like most people here, I use Right Guard only on my right arm, then the next day I use the other kind only on my left arm. Except sometimes I forget to put on either kind for months at a time. > --WebTV-Mail-229774133-295 > Content-Description: signature > Content-Disposition: Inline > Content-Type: Text/HTML; Charset=US-ASCII > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > >
href="http://209.240.131.195/paule.html"> src="http://esw-prowrestling.com/Commish.JPG">
"Hey > Bro'! Spare a Quarter? > Spare a Cigarette?" > BIG DADDY DROOL! COMMISSIONER PAUL E of the href="http://209.240.131.195">E.S.W.
src="http://esw-prowrestling.com/paultheme.wav"> > > > --WebTV-Mail-229774133-295-- I wonder what kind of deodorant professional wrestlers don't use... -- K. Pro wrestling and WebTV are observed to have a high degree of correlation. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Doc Martens conspiracy Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3009 centons, 15 microns, 0.17 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1999 09:51:34 GMT X-Complaints-To: Problems with this article? Dial 1-800-CALL-THX. Organization: Stately Kibo Manor the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > Doc-tor Martens! > Doctor Martens! > He's a madman with some evil boots! > Doc-tor Martens! > Doctor Martens! > He's a madame with some evil doots! Oh, great, now I'm going to have the "THEYYYY SMAAAAAASH HIM... AND HIS BODY MAYYYYY BURRRRRN... THEYYYYY CRAAAAAASH HIM... BUT THEY KNOW HE'LL RETURN! TO LIVE AGAIN!" lyric running through my head over and over until a gigantic airport of the future explodes in slow-motion several times. WATCH OUT! HERE COME THE ASCII MYSTERONS! O O O O O O "THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. THE BAGGAGE-HANDLING SYSTEM AT DENVER INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT WILL BE DESTROYED IN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS UNLESS DOCTOR MARTEN CAN DRIVE A TRUCK FILLED WITH GASOLINE THROUGH THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS OBSTACLE COURSE." No, wait, it's okay, those weren't Mysterons, they were just very large Sea-Monkeys facing front. The light you see at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. There are no invisible Mysterons from Mars controlling the tiny puppet body of Martin Landau here! Also I'm still baffled by the fact that there's someone named "Plugg Shutt" in the closing credits. -- K. If Plugg Shutt married Star Wirth and Ensign Greenbean, TV show credits would be ever so much funner. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dryer Lint: 1999! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 06:40:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > (Puce is the technical term for a color which is to pink as brown > > > mustard is to yellow. It's like pink plus gray plus vomit. > > > It's about the color of a dead mouse's tail, and NOBODY LIKES PUCE, > > > not even fashion designers.) > > > > Puce was invented to match the color of squashed lice, back in the days > > before RID. Excuse me, but before we continue this post, we must pause, because there's a Mentos commercial on my TV. MENTOS BREAK! MENTOS BREAK! MENTOS BREAK! MENTOS BREAK! MENTOS BREAK! Now back to the squished lice and dead mice and other things nice. > It's the exact color of cat vomit, even when the cat has not been eating > dead mouse's tails. Ohhhhh. You must have one of those cats that DOESN'T produce the clear yet lumpy mucus splatters that you can't see until it's FAR TOO LATE. > Which reminds me: Our one cat keeps trying to bury the other cat's > vomit, by attempting to *dig in the wooden floor*. She cannot > understand why this does not work. Wait... "our one cat" implies you have exactly one cat... but you have "the other cat"... does not compute... ERROR! ERROR! NORMAN, CO-ORDINATE!!! I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO RESPOND TO INDETERMINATE NUMBERS OF CATS! HARRY MUDD CANNOT OWN ONE POINT SEVEN CATS EVEN IF HE IS AVERAGE! LOGIC IS A LITTLE CAT PUKING IN A TREE! ERROR! ERROR! > AWWWWWW! CATS ARE EVEN STUPIDER THAN KIBO SAID! If that sentence had been one word shorter you'd be dead now. -- K. Also, do you have the "HUK! HUK! HUK!" kind of cat or the "RRRRRRRRRRETCH!" kind? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dryer Lint: 1999! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:38:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, do you have the "HUK! HUK! HUK!" kind of cat or the > > "RRRRRRRRRRETCH!" kind? > > Our cat has this magical thing he does where he vomits forth and then begins > to walk backward, leaving a nice straight line of ick in his path. I think it would be funnier if the cat walked backward in a zigzag. Shaped like the United States of America! And then the United States of America would have to be shaped like a zigzag and the whole country would walk down stairs, alone or in pairs, and make a barfety sound. Occasionally I think about getting a cat, then I think about the endless stream of barf that spews from every one of their orifices, so I thank you people for reminding me that CATS ARE NOT AS CLEAN AS THEY WANT YOU ME THINK! "THEY", of course, are The Government. Because Clinton has a cat. AND THE TV NEWS NEVER TELLS US WHEN SOCKS THROWS UP ON THE JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER! IT'S A CONSPIRACY TO MAKE US THINK THE PRESIDENT'S CAT IS BETTER THAN NORMAL CATS JUST BECAUSE SOCKS GOT ELECTED AND YOU DIDN'T!!! STOP THE MEDICATION I WANNA GET OFF!!!!!! -- K. I'm watching the episode of "Wait 'Til Your Father Gets Home" with Special Guest Star Phyllis Diller as HERSELF. Eww. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dryer Lint: 1999! *Now with added insects* Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3009 centons, 15 microns, 0.17 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1999 06:24:11 GMT X-Complaints-To: If you experience problems with this article, dial 1-800-CALL-THX. Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "David/FortyTwo" (ocalladw@tcd.ie) wrote: > > [re Stacia finding 257 daddy longlegses, which she mistakenly called spiders, > living in her lint trap. I mean, in her DRYER'S lint trap.] > > I had a swarm of angry bees living in the chimney in a cottage. Well, they probably thought you were maladjusted too. "Hey, look, Buzzy! It's that happy human who's never in a swarm when he's in this room!" > And they came out of the chiney from both ends. Iwontsayit, Iwontsayit, Iwontsayit, I WON'T SAY IT!!!! > And they were angry too. When they were nerve-gassed New Glink For Bees! And new Glink Furbies! They're like regular Furbies, PLUS they're covered with glued-on live bees, which are angry and armed with little cans of Sarin nerve gas and tiny bee gas masks! THE PLUS MEANS BETTER! IN A BAD WAY! > by the bee-guy there was a carpet of dead bees to hoover up. The first time I read that, it said "...to hover up," and I imagined a swarm of dead bees (arranged in a horizontal plane) flying around, not buzzing. > Some of them were still alive and the hoover buzzed after > being switched off. This is the plot of the movie "Event Horizon": 1.) Establish that Sam Neill has never been on a spaceship before and doesn't know that in outer space everyone has to stay in a tank of blue fluid designed to throw you and a hundred gallons of blue fluid on the floor when you arrive at your destination. 2.) The find the giant derelict Hoover vacuum cleaner, which was designed by genius spaceship designer Sam Neill. 3.) They discover that it is filled with live bees because the vacuum cleaner went so fast that it went to Bee Hell and became possessed by Satan, Queen Of The Bees! 4.) A whole lot of random stupid stuff happens. 5.) Fortunately, the Event Horizon is filled with self-destruct bombs. Unfortunately, they're only designed to sever the flexible hose between the bee bag and the nozzle. Fortunately, they can be picked up and carried around. 6.) Also Satan is played by the same guy who played Satan in "Damien: Omen III", which wasn't a tenth as aggressively retarded as "Event Horizon". Actually, I think "Event Horizon" would have been a better movie if it had had killer space bees in it, like the ones they cut out of "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". (V'Ger beamed killer bees filled with cobra venom onto the Enterprise bridge, and to prepare for the scene they rented the leftover bees from Irwin Allen's "The Swarm". The scene was deleted at the last moment because it was deemed too stupid even for "Star Trek".) > Bee-in-a-vacuum-cleaner: Give a family the gift of bees-in-a-vacuum-cleaner. I think it would be cooler if the bees had little vacuum cleaners inside so that they could suck you towards them so they could sting you. Also, I could make some sort of pun about getting a haircut from a Flowbee, but that would be beneath me. Bee Lumgarner will make the pun. > Remember to change from suck to blow. Shoot bees at target. Oh, now you're talking about the part of "The Martian Chronicles" they didn't even try to film, namely, the good part. > When not to use bees keep in vacuum cleaner. I think that Orville Redenbacher should make a kind of popcorn with artificial black dye, and you could get a packet of that and a packet of the yellow kind and within minutes you could make a cloud of piping hot killer bees just like the ones that almost killed "Martin Landau" in one of my anti-favorite "Mission: Impossible" episodes. -- K. I'm depressed that the FX channel (which is like Fox only without the vowels) never shows the episode where Martin Landau plays Hitler. However, I did see part of that movie where Richard Basehart was Hitler. (I don't know what character he was playing.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,misc.legal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Electric Armor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 09:57:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology I would just like to take this opportunity to reply to an entire thread at once to save virtual paper, and to make this article longer. In sci.physics, "STAR1SHIP" (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > Patent pend. U.S. 07/247,498 Plasma rocket engine; International Patent > Cooperation Treaty(PCT) PCT/US89/05888 Star Ship > [...] > > A means to protect the rocket and pay load from projectile > collisions with dust and matter it may encounter may be obtained by > reducing the cross section of the craft, thereby, streamlining it. WOW! YOU'VE PATENTED THE IDEA OF MAKING THINGS SKINNY!!! That Ally McBeal gal must owe you a ton of money. > My invention may be shaped as a long cylinder to aid in streamlining. You've invented the pretzel rod! No, wait... the crayon! The uncooked spaghetti! > Another means of protection may be found with metals that have a shape > memory effect when heated. By anticipating the collision of solid > matter using conventional technology (such as radar or metal > detectors), a heating electric current may be generated through the > shape memory effect metal to resist the original penetration at the > time of impact by the force of the spring back effect plus the > thickness of the metal, thereby, creating an electric armor of my own > invention. > > I claim: > 6. My invention is an electric armor that is a means of > protecting an object from projectile collision, whereby, a > shape memory metal is heated electrically at the time of > collision to use the metals spring back effect to add to the > effective thickness of the shield, thereby increasing the > resistance to penetration. Have you considered just using STRONGER metal so you don't have to pound the dents out? Incidentally, you may want to sue the "Wonderbra" people for travelling back in time and patenting the use of memory wire to prevent denting and sagging several years ago. > [...] > Note: > An accepted patent application prohibits the granting of a patent to another on > my invention and any improvements for all time. You have my permission to make > use sell and operate my invention above and all included with the application. > I reserve my right to enforce full patent protection at all future dates from > the granted Universal Patent Number 1 protecting intellectual property. I also > reserve granted Star Ship Operator License Number 1 and all future rights to > license those who will make, use or sell my invention, parts thereof and all > improvements under my authority as inventor. The range of this protection > extends to the ends of the universe's limit in space and time. and HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS! (FIVE MILLION GLOWING NEON DANCING BEARS PARADE ACROSS YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN, TWIRL AROUND, RECEDE INTO INFINITY, AND EXPLODE INTO A SHOWER OF FIVE MILLION SPARKLY FIREWORKS, EACH OF A DIFFERENT HUE, WHILE TEN THOUSAND TUBAS PLAY BEETHOVEN'S "ODE TO JOY" AT DOUBLE SPEED. CUT TO DON KNOTTS.) DON KNOTTS: "Wowsers! Them's glowing bears!" (THE DANCING-BEAR SEQUENCE IS REPEATED, PLAYED BACKWARDS. DON KNOTTS EXPLODES.) In a different sci.physics article, "STAR1SHIP" (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > [...] > Simple machines working on simple principles such as my armor or rocket do not > have to be built or even have a picture drawn to be a patentable invention. I > have descibed in writing my invention. give the description to any one and have > him build it. I remain the inventor in all states except Mossuri that I cannot > spell. Well, then, you should patent your original spelling. Then you could be King of Mossuri, or at least one of those twits who lives in a shack and claims to have seceded from the United States Of America and watches Kevin Costner's "The Postman" over and over. And in another article on the same topic, "STAR1SHIP" (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > When my patent application was accepted it became patent pending giving me the > above rights. It granted me sole autority to make, use operate and license > others to use my invention for the period of examination.. > > Under that granted authority, I issued the star ship operators license number > 1(to myself). As the worlds first it stands as number one for all time. I see. So having your patent filed in a very special unofficial place in the Patent Office, a patent for making things skinny and/or the Wonderbra, entitles you to be the only person who can go to another galaxy. Well, good. Don't forget to write. > Countries that use my invention beyond their national air spaace to avoid my > patent rights will find that the Universal Patent Number 1 invented and issued > by me under the space extention of Maritime law will allow me to board, > confiscate or destroy their pirated ships. Cool! Archie Plutonium keeps talking about his magical invisible lawsuits, but I think having an invisible space fleet conducting a space war on your behalf is considerably saner. > I filed as a small entity to cut my patent fees in half. This status is revoked > should I consult an attorney for any reason. Dear misc.legal, please say something to him just to ruin his application. THAadvanceNKS! > The legal case law, I have throughly researched ...at the "Legal-Law Desk Of The Plutonium Atom Foundation", no doubt? > and documented in my file wrapper as filed with the patent office. You misspelled "fish", hope this helps. > Only two or three countries allow a patent to issue when not constructed in > three dimensions as opposed to the two dimensional working diagram I have. A _working_ diagram, as opposed to a piece of paper that doesn't actually fly into outer space and shoot at Klingons. > My Universal Patent gives me the highest protection possible though I keep the > right to petition congress as a formality. My Universal Patent as number one > has no experation date to protect my invention right whgile I undergo > relativistic time dilation effects therefore those I do not take to heaven can > follow later unless I revoke my permission for their misbehavior. This is all quite clever, although you misspelled "relativistic brain dilation". And, in yet another post on the same topic, "STAR1SHIP" wrote: > > It is unlikely you had declared the status of small entity (Soverign Nation of One). > You apparantly you have only those rights that others gave you and you > demonstrated no abilty to defend your property with out legal assistance. So if you're the monarch of a sovereign nation of one, who succeeds to your throne when you die? Also, in your country, who is King of Science? > A patent application is not accepted if in the fantasy realm of perpetual > motion, flying saucers, violative of universal law and other tests. The patent > office is not allowed to accept such inventions just to humour the applicant > for the costs involved can be considerable. I hope the Patent Office has been very nice to you. And in another article, "STAR1SHIP" wrote: > > It is not recommended or required that an atomic theory be included in any > patent applications for when science finds out what an atom looks like or how > it works then your patent can be rendered null and void. Then someone better hurry up and patent the New Atom before they discover it. > As a free and private citizen, I am not under the autority of International > Law. Since my invention must be fired in a vaccum to prevent it exploding at > any useful power level from atmospheric blockage of the exhaust port (similar > to air designed rockets exloding when fired under water). This would require > non government help in making my rocket in orbit unless high courts rule that > that the law covering atomic rockets does not extend to atomic engines as the > intent was to prevent atomic bombs atop rockets making an indefinite law > uneforceable. A useful feature to explode unavoidable meteors in my flight path > or hostile aliens of earth or elsewhere. Golly, you must have one heck of a spaceship if you can't even dodge silly old meteors. Even the USS Enterprise could do that just by tilting to the left. And in the next article: > > Opps hit the wrong button. Sir, jokes about the Challenger are in VERY poor taste. And in the next article: > > I would like to fax or email you the physical evidence I saw but I do not know > how to do that. This is some new version of the Patent Office's old "YOU MUST BE ABLE TO XEROX THIS SIGN TO PATENT A STARSHIP ENGINE", isn't it? Wait, does your starship have an engine? Or is your patent just on making it skinny and dent-proof? > Ideas are not patentable in fact the application will not even be accepted. My > application has be accepted and patent pending since 1988. Ah, that explains why I couldn't find it in the patent database I checked. They launched your prototype into space ten years ago and it never came back. > It is made on the two dimensions of paper by it's full disclosure as > required by patent law. My invention is real. THREE dimensions would be OVERKILL!!! TWO dimensions are REAL!!! By the way, which one of the three is the one that's not real? Are you the guy who kept putting those ads in "Man's Adventure" magazine in the fifties for "200 TWO-DIMENSIONAL TOYS, $1.98"? (And when they arrived, they looked just like the photograph in the ad!) > Should you have no real experience then you may rely on mine as stated in my > onsite transcript and resume which is much longer than yours or your teachers.. > > How do I know that without seeing the physical evidence of yours or your > teachers transcripts? > Educated guess. Curses! It matters not what education we have because you can always guess it as whatever you want! Well, I'll just have to go get an UNGUESSABLE EDUCATION to stump you! And in another sci.physics article, yadda yadda yadda, "STAR1SHIP" wrote: > > Because the patent office determined that my imvention had significant use for > NASA and utilized Radioactive material in accordence with DOE and Federal Codes > I had to declare again my property right on the back of their paper stating the > abovet. My rights remain today. How exactly do you keep the radiation from leaking out of the two-dimensional spaceship? > As I am an American Man standing on American Land in a Legitious Society. I > reserve my right to sue any one for any reason. I see, so you're an American and you're in a nation of one? You wished the other 249,999,999 Americans into the cornfield, didn't you? -- K. P.S. I see from your luxurious Web site that you're taking applications for Starship Commander #2. Can I be #2? I promise to use your faster-than-light two-dimensional Wonderbra spaceships only for good and never for evil. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food combinations; mind linked to cell communication Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 08:57:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor For reasons that can be understood only by those who are as smart as the King Of Science, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) told sci.med and sci.psychology.misc more details about his favorite foods: > > --- quoting a carton of RootMeister's history of root beer --- Call us back when a root beer manufacturer quotes you. In the pecking order of science, you rank somewhere below root beer cartons as an authority. > 1500 Native Americans share their root tea with Spanish explorers > > 1700 Settlers home brew root beers, yeast fermented, 1 to 2% alcohol > > 1800 Pharmacists commercialize root beers made with herbal extracts, > popularity surges > > 1950 Commercial root beer downturn.. artificial flavors replace root > extracts > > 1998 Journey Beverages revives historic varieties of true herbal > extract > root beer > --- end quote --- They seem to have forgotten the part about the big increase in business during Prohibition. Also, I think a few dozen other companies may have been making natural root beer before 1998. > My favorite is the Desert Sage Root Beer, very dark and robust, it has > sage and sassafras. I never knew that sage could be used for root beer > flavor. (Kibo pulls out a tiny notebook labelled "THINGS ARCHIE ADMITS NOT KNOWING" and makes a note. He puts it back on the shelf next to the fifty-volume set of "OTHER THINGS ARCHIE DOESN'T KNOW.") > Anyway, I need to explore the craving of foods to the chemistry of the > body connected with mind. > > Some food combinations are just "natural" such as cereal with milk, > spaghetti with sauce. You put milk, spaghetti, and sauce on your cereal? Eww! And I thought you were completely sane until you said that. > But I have built up combinations through the years. For instance I > need dijon mustard with hot dog or roast beef and I need a root beer or > cola with this combination. When I eat cherry pie I need a cold glass > of milk. And when you post to the science newsgroups you need an enema. > Somehow there is a coordination of body chemistry of a cell > communication and that of the mind in desire and cravings for food. Arch, have you ever considered taking a job at McDonalds? You'd be much more suited for that position than your current job as "King of Science", and I'm sure you'd be endlessly fascinated by the way the burgers change color from beige to gray as you grill 'em. -- K. Or you could try being one of those guys who punches a hole in your receipt when you leave BJ's Wholesale Club. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Food combinations; mind linked to cell communication Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 09:04:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med and sci.psychology.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) continued the saga of what the King Of Science is eating under there: > > Today I had the Journey Ancient Cola drink along with sour dough rolls > and melted cheese with hot dog and dijon mustard with chicken noodle > soup and cheddar corn puffs. You had a cup of cola with sour dough rolls and melted cheese in it? Eww. By the way, I'm assuming that your cheezy corn puffs weren't "Smartfood" brand. > What I am looking for is a connection between craving of foods and > food combinations and the science behind it. What I am looking for is a connection between your posts and anything that anyone else anywhere in the Universe gives a damn about. EVERYONE DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING, ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM JUST DRANK A COLA!!!!! > From what I can make out at this point is that all craving for foods > is the body cells in mass-communication upon the brain to resupply > specific molecules or atoms that are depleting. So today, your body was running short on overpriced faux nautral gourmet cola and Cheezy Poofs? > So why combinations? Why do I crave root beer or cola with say hot > dogs or meats? Why do I crave say grape juice or red wine with > spaghetti? I think you're only supposed to use a hint of wine in the marinara sauce, NOT grape juice. What's next, you'll tell us you make Frankenberry omelets? > The answer I come up with is that cell communication to the > brain of what is depleted is so fine-tuned that it tells the brain what > combinations of foods neutralize the unwanted chemicals. For example, > the combination of root beer or cola with meats and dijon mustard and > cheddar corn puffs is that the sugars of the drink neutralize the salts > of the foodstuffs. I... see. So, chemically, the opposite of salt is sugar. You forgot these other axes: spicy vs. bland bitter vs. something that's like sweet but not sweet because you already used that one liquid vs. solid hot vs. cold nutritious vs. yummy low-quality vs. overpriced and food that goes "glop" vs. food that goes "crunch" vs. food that goes "thud". Personalitywise, I bet you're a "thud". > So the craving of combinations is the joint-massive > cell communication to the brain to balance out the foods eaten whilst > getting the chemicals depleted. Have you tried just not going to the bathroom so much? -- K. I apologize in advance if he starts posting his potty schedule to the science newsgroups. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: full planetary alignment? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3009 centons, 15 microns, 0.17 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 11 Jan 1999 09:21:25 GMT X-Complaints-To: Problems with this article? Dial 1-800-CALL-THX. Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.astro, "evo. 10." (D3V0@webtv.net) wrote: > > has there ever been, or ever been a full planetary alignment? for this > solar system anyway, as in pluto, uranus, neptune, jupiter, saturen, > mars, venus, earth, and mars all in tune with the sun? > and what would happen if such an event were to happen would we just > dissaper into a black hole or something? Yes, there was one of those once, and the Universe did dissaper into a black hole, even though it was only an alignment of everything EXCEPT the Sun. -- K. At the time it was happening scientists didn't notice because you can't see the outer planets through the asteroid belt. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: grocery receipt. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1999 07:44:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Noah A Christis (haon4707@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > fun for the whole family: > > LC CHICK BUR La Choy Chicken Burrito. It's every bit as Mexican as their Chinese food! > MANIS 1/2 LT SEED Mantis Seed, for growing your own mantises. > NAT SR DGH CRA WHT Nat "King" Cole Senior's Dittsburgh Cramps, Whitey! > DR PEPPER 2 LTR C U 2 LTR D00D !!!!1 > SR WHT GRAPE Sir White Grape-za-lot. Tiny ravioli a quarter of an inch across filled with enyme modified cheddar cheese in a translucent lavender-teal sauce MADE WITH REAL GRAPES. (The first ingredient is "Grape Blend" which contains less than 1% grapes.) > SR MUENSTER Se–or MŸnster, the wacky sitcom about a family of people that all the reactionary WASPs are afraid of because they're both Mexican and German at the same time! > AC GENOA That's salami that plugs in. > 5 BROTH SCE 5-Broth Schenectady Soup, which is like Sir Grep-za-lot stirred into Dr Pepper. > BLBRY MFN MX Ray Blabdury's Mutual UFO Network, Roswell, (New) Mexico. IF I WERE TO DROP A "BRAD BLUEBERRY, THE AUTHOR OF '2010'" SUB-REFERENCE HERE I WOULD BE 150% BEYOND THE PROTECTIVE OUTER LAYERS OF THE McIRVIN LIMIT! > SR VIT D GAL Senior Vittles, with that chewy tuna taste Grandpa loves. In the 500-gallon bottle with the Roman numeral. > PRINGLES prin... gles? I know not of these "pringles" of which you speak. > GIL DEOD GEL Gil "Deado Career" Gelard, star of "Buck Rogers In The Year 1999". Next year. > POST GRP NUT FOLLOWUP NEWSGRP REC.ORG.MENSA > D&W 3# BF FK Damp & Wet Three-Pound Beef *BEEP*. > ROSATI ROOT BEER W Tony Rosato's Root Beer Wallet! A good place to keep your root beer while you're in the cast of "Saturday Night Live" for up to fifteen minutes! DIFFICULTY: 0.70 McIRVS > SPY MUSTD That's obvious. "Spy Must Die", James Blish's new "Mad Magazine" comic strip. The morse code at the top of the page always spells out "BUY MORE MUSTARD". > JEWISH APPLE CAKE YAY! YOU JUST MADE MATT McIRVIN GET THE ATARI 2600 "JEWISH APPLE CAKE" MUSIC RUNNING THROUGH HIS HEAD FOR SIX HOURS!!! YOU WIN!!! -- K. OF COURSE I ALREADY WON SO YOURS DOESN'T REALLY COUNT!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: grocery receipt. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1999 03:56:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > I just want to take the opportunity to say I checked and Kibo is wrong, > wrong, wrong. I do not either eat dog food. I did get the name of my generic > grape-nut-like breakfast wrong... for those keeping score at home, I should > have written "Nutty Nuggets", not "Crunchy Nuggets". You mispelled "Smutty Nougats" and "Crotchy Muppets". Hope this helqs. > So if you have been eating dog food in an attempt to be more like me, you can > stop now. Ohhhhh, like the reason we're eating dog food is because we WANT TO BE LIKE YOU. -- K. MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH Why don't they print comic strips on the bag like they do with Fruity Pebbles? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: grocery receipt. (and colorized iMacs) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1999 08:46:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor PurplePrimate (PurplePrimate@usa.net) wrote: > > Noah A Christis (haon4707@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU (Joseph Michael Bay) wrote: > > > > > > Noah A Christis (haon4707@my-dejanews.com) writes: > > > > > > > > JEWISH APPLE CAKE > > > > > > "What, you don't like the bluberry cake?" > > > > PEOPLE!!1!SOYLENT BLU IS MADE OF PEOPLE!!1 Now if Hitler were Betty Crocker he would've used imitation Jews made out of little dots of concentrated blue dye that soak into the surrounding polyurethane foam^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hmuffin mix. I apologize for being so tasteless as to make fun of Betty Crocker. > Gee, and here I was thinking it was made from those newfangled iMacs. I JUST REPLACED MY BORING OLD BLACK AND WHITE WEBTV WITH A COOL NEW RAZZLEBERRY FLAVORED IMAC!!! NOW I CAN POST IN RAZZLEBERRY COLOR!!! WITH REAL JUICE!!!! I LIKE MY Whoops, sorry, my brand new iMac broke already. Please wait a few minutes while I order one. Damn, they're out of raspberry ones. I'll have to take one of the boysenberry ones. HEY EVERYONE MY BOYSENBERRY COMPUTER JUST ARRIVED! IT'S TOO BAD IT'S NOT SCENTED OR IT WOULD BE BETTER THAN A STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE DOLL! WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON D Dammit, I just crushed another iMac with my index finger. I better order a new one. Hmm, the selection's pretty picked over now: My only options are pucelberry and grayp. HEY EVERYONE GUESS WHICH COLOR COMPUTER I HAVE! KEEP GUESSING UNTIL YOU GET IT RIGHT! OKAY I'LL TELL YOU! IT'S THE GRAYP ONE!!! -- K. I'd never buy a computer that didn't either come with a SCSI card or have a big slot for one, unless it was that new SCUZZY GRAPELBERRY BLAST color!!! P.S. Hitler would like the red iMac. Hey, anyone have a complete list of the "decorator colors" the ADM3A terminals came in around 1982? I remember seeing baby blue, mustard, and avocado (of course). ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.toys.my-little-pony From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: grocery receipt. (and colorized iMacs) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1999 04:00:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Talos42@erols.com wrote: > > If you remember Strawberry Shortcake do you remember any of these? > > 1) Rainbow Bright > > 2) Gem (the wanna be Barbie with a band) > > 3) My Little Pony > > 4) Care Bears > > I do. They are very depressing memories. I think I'll drown my sorrows > in a bottle of A-1, it's how misery is done. My Little Pony is for BABIES!!! Also, when I was a kid, I only played with toys that are approved for normal boys, like Legos and that Building Blasters set that had the Space Shuttle that you could blow up over and over. -- K. Anyone ever notice that all the little Lego people are dressed as firemen, motorcycle cops, construction workers, soldiers, and Indian Chiefs, and they all have big mustaches? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.toys.my-little-pony From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: grocery receipt. (and colorized iMacs) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1999 00:51:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > Your E-mail address is too short. I'm jealous. > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My Little Pony is for BABIES!!! > > To each his own, I guess... I AM NOT A BABY! MOMMY HE CALLEDED ME A BABY!!! AM NOT AM NOT! WAAH!! > > Also, when I was a kid, I only played with toys that are approved for > > normal boys, like Legos and that Building Blasters set that had the > > Space Shuttle that you could blow up over and over. > > I built a model airplane once. Hated every minute of it but did it > anyway because I thought it would be worth it to have my own small > airplane. When I was finished, I was so disappointed when it just > sat there, not flying. I threw it in the fireplace and stunk up > the house. Yeah, well, once I used my Legos to build an EXACT REPLICA of my house and I didn't like it so I had to destroy it, so I threw the Lego house into the fireplace and because it was an exact replica of my house it contained a tiny house made out of Legos made out of smaller Legos which got thrown into the tiny fireplace, and of course my full-size house got thrown into a giant fireplace made of the opposite of Legos, and this is how I learned that the difference between a real house and a Lego house is that the Legos burn faster but still aren't as much fun to burn. > And that's why model airplanes boxes now state "Sane Glue does not > enable model to fly." I built myself a Batman cape made entirely of Legos and I *can* fly. I can fly higher than any silly little plastic pony with wings and a pink mane YOU can comb. YOU go comb it, I can fly. -- K. "I'M BATMAN!" -- KIBO ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.toys.my-little-pony From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: grocery receipt. (and colorized iMacs) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1999 23:30:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Tarpan" (tarpan@geocities.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My Little Pony is for BABIES!!! > > Well, as a matter of fact, there is a warning on My Little Pony packages > that says: "this toy is not intended for children under the age of three" > Therefore, your claim that My Little Ponies is for babies is unfounded and > by fact of written word of the manufactured Hasbro, untrue. It's only untrue if you're old enough to read the written word because literacy ain't for babies! Therefore I will never ever read any printing on any "My Little Pony" packages because I want to never have to play with My Little Pony so I don't want to find out that they're recommended for ages 3 And Up. I firmly believe there is an upper limit to the My Little Pony age range, probably somewhere around a year younger than I've ever been. However, I am having a lot of fun with my life-size inflatable Teletubby. -- K. 'cept it keeps poppin'. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: grocery receipt. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1999 23:27:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > Note: For accuracy, your hair should be approx. 2 ft long. Just get the > > tangles out. Don't style it or anything, you're just going to work, for > > kibosakes, > > "Kibosake" means something like "Wish fulfillment drink" in Japanese. > It's a very rare, very expensive kind of sake (rice alcohol) that rich > people drink on weddings, company silver anniversaries, enemies' > funerals, etc. Suntory is making a big batch of lower-grade kibosake > and advertising it as the ideal way to celebrate the millennium. The first time I read that it said "Kiboshake" which made me wonder which artificial color they'd add to it. I'm guessing a nice blue raspberry color but it would still have the original Kibo flavor. Someday candy companies will take over the encyclopedia and the section on botany will be divided into "ORIGINAL FRUITS", "TROPICAL FRUITS", and "WACKY FRUITS". And all the blue fruits would be the same. -- K. Mmm, antifreezy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: hey... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 01:16:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology, "duane wane" (duane@duane.com) wrote: > > i've never used, or even pretended to use, the internet before, Well, it's good that you've started pretending to use it now. > and i can't seem to delete a post. what good is that? i used to be able > to delete posts when i had co-sysop access to my friends WWiV bbs, But WWW is one letter better than WWV which is one Roman numeral better than WWIV, so WWW is TWO THINGS BETTER than WWiV PLUS A CAPITAL! > but now that i have my own copy of "outlook express" i can't delete a post? > what is that? That's because you don't have a WebTV. The WWiV BBS got renamed first to WWiTVBB when they went national and then to WebTV when Bill Gates bought 'em. > and how do i make macros with cool ansi colors and animation? > > this is not nearly as cool as a WWiV BBS. Oh, if only alt.religion.kibology could be just half as cool as the BBS your friend had in your basement. -- K. By the way, you're not fooling us, no REAL NEWBIE would post from their own domain name. SO QUIT PRETENDING TO BE A LOSER, YOU GENTLEMAN!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: i want to buy this game! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1999 06:56:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "duane wane" (duane@duane.com) wrote: > > promotional materials for "akuji the heartless" claim that: > > Vertex lighting and vertex morphing create an illicit voodoo atmosphere. > > yea! The hard part of making these computer games is jamming the light bulbs into all the vertices of the actors they film. I think poor Bruce Willis is still shaking "grain o'wheat" bulbs out of every pore and orifice on his body, and we all know he has more of those than normal humans do. But such are the tortures of vertex lighting. You wouldn't want to look at someone who didn't have glowing vertices. Why, I remember years ago when it was a big deal to advertise "OUR GAME NOW HAS ONE VERTEX!" These kids today they got millions of vertices to look at but I remember when we were happy just to get HALF a vertex! And instead of a computer we had to look at it on a TV! TV wasn't controlled by the Democrats back then, and the McCarthy hearings were on every channel 24 hours a day! In color! And if we wanted to see a 3-D accelerator we had to throw a clock out a window! My pants are too tight, that's why I'm not wearing them no more! These kids today always wearing pants what a world! They oughta lock everybody up! They're talking about cloning us now well even if the Government says I'm gonna be cloned I'm gonna lok 'em in the eye and say NO YOU BASTARDS no matter how much they want to clone me!!! -- K. I AM ON THE #66 BUS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Last Post Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1999 06:27:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Well, I've posted here for all nine years of the ark's existence. But > I'm going to cede to Bruce Ediger as the last surviving posting member > of Club 91. Except he's sporadic, so I suppose David Pacheco or > Delaney or McIrvin inherits the mantle as the senior disciple. Matt's not ALLOWED to be an officer of Club 91, much less a member. Also, the guy who came up with the whole idea in '92, Henry Churchyard, posted to alt.religion.kibology last month. But you and David Pacheco can be the charter members of Maelstrom's "H0W 2 RITE A K00L BURN-0UT LETTER !!!!1" workshop and coffee house. > I'll keep this short. Kia's threatening to sue because of posts I > made in 1999, and has already filed (public!) papers with court because I > mentioned Archimedes Plutonium in a post. Was this the one where you said "Archimedes Plutonium picks his nose almost as often as Kia" or the one where you said "Kia picks her nose almost as much as Archimedes Plutonium"? Frankly, although those are your opinions, they are clearly wrong. Nobody picks their nose as much as Archimedes Plutonium. > (The latest threatening letter > was especially interesting, because it both said "As I have we [sic] > repeatedly explained, Kia does not keep e-mail correspondence" and "we > will attach to our ex parte papers ... many of the e-mails". Presumably > the ones that Kia doesn't keep. It all depends on what your definition > of "keep" is.) I'd say that from my point of view, burnout letters on alt.religion.kibology count as a "gimme". > There are two possible reactions to this: > > 1) This is absolutely and phenomenonally frivolous and ludicrous. I've > done nothing wrong, and she knows it. Let's get an Internet-savvy > attorney and litigate the damn thing so Kia'll stop harassing me. Gee, Ted, I thought you were a lawyer. Oh, wait, you said "Internet-savvy". Have you and Kia tried wife-swapping with Jaffo and Ellen and Watson? I think it would be a lot of fun if we got the five of you in a little airtight booth. I mean a soundproof booth. Which is also airtight. > 2) This is absolutely and phenomenonally frivolous and ludicrous. > I've done nothing wrong, and she knows it. But, sheesh. I have a > life. Who needs to have two attorneys involved every time I want to > post about Finnish cell phones? But those are the opposite of Kia. She SHOULD be suing you to force you to ONLY talk about Nokia cell phones, wetsuits, and boots. I should take this opportunity to point out that my hand-made waterproof Nokia boots (from Finland) are holding up very well, but the prisoner-made Chinese boots with the asymmetrical zippers wore down real fast, and the old Russian-made East German Wall Guard Boots are falling apart. > It's so important to Kia that I not post to these message-boards that > she spends $150 every time I write about shoddy Korean automobiles to > have a two-page letter written complaining about it? Shrug. Ok, I choose > option #2. Point for Hyundai. Hey! Hyundais are not as shoddy as Kia! You're thinking of Yugos. > (Note to Kia: please give your attorney a Usenet lesson or at least review > the letters she sends out. She wanted to have us sign a document that > would have us both held in contempt of court because of material on Alex > Suter's web page, to say nothing of various world.std.com ftp sites.) HEY KIA, YOU FORGOT THE FTP SITES ON FTP.STD.COM, WWW.KIBO.COM, WWW.KIBOLOGY.COM, AND KIBO.STD.COM! > So, I'm giving in to this relatively minor inconvenience, and signing off > for the foreseeable future, though I might stop by to make a plug for > Lori's book when it comes out. So you're going to leave the group *AND* stop posting? Are you promising to pay every one of us (except David Pacheco and Jaffo) $1,000 apiece when you come back next month? IF I EVER LEAVE I PROMISE NOT TO BE SO STUPID AS TO PROMISE YOU MONEY!!! > Thanks to the dozens who wrote to offer > support in this trying time; it was overwhelming, and I'm sorry I didn't > get a chance to write you all back. But keep trying. I'll get to my > e-mail eventually. If the Legal-Law Lawsuit Desk Of The Plutonium Atom Foundation's Legal-Law Desk Department Desk doesn't get to it first! > Good luck to all of you. Even Lee Bumgarner. Mr. Parry gets to inherit > all of my clown memes. And with that, Ted Frank got out of a tiny car forever. > E. Teflon Piano gets to be the new virtual lawyer: > say hello to Mrs. Piano and the little Pianese for me. Those of you > finding yourself in Los Angeles should drop me a line, and we'll go see > the Bob Hope exhibit at the Hollywood Wax Museum. That's not an EXHIBIT! RUN!!! > Nick Bensema should make a stop 300 or so miles to the East first, though. > The rest of you are too numerous to name, plus I have plans for tonight. > But best wishes anyway. > > Yours, etc., > > Ted Frank If you need an expert witness, I would be happy to testify for either of you two for exactly twice the huge amount the other side just paid me. -- K. Also, on the witness stand, I demand not just the pitcher of water but a big bowl of cherry Pez, unwrapped, and a big wooden spoon, and a vibrating chair that sounds like bees. /////// re-run entered into evidence just for the lawyers in the house /////// From: Maelstrom (maelstrom@deathsdoor.com) Subject: Maelstrom's burn-out letter Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.culture.usenet, alt.whine Organization: Sex Gods Anonymous http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/5225/ Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 01:45:52 +0800 Well things around here have been going from bad to worse it seems. Especially in ARK, once a proud bastion of irreverance, it seems all I see is personal flames, whining and tired repetition. And it's only getting worse. As I come to breaking point I think of the many times I've heard reference to Spaf's burn-out letter and I'm starting to think maybe old Spaf had the right idea. And so I decided to make this public. I doubt my own little burn-out letter will achieve anything near the fame that Spaf's did but I hope it may make at least one person, any person, sit up and take notice. So here goes... MAELSTROMS BURNOUT LETTER. Step 1: TO DO A K-RAD BURNOUT IT WILL TAKE YOU A LOT OF CAREFUL PLANNINGS!!!1 FIRST YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR TIRES ALL WORN DOWN TO THE NUB OR ELLS THEY WILL JUST GRAB THE ROAD AND PROPEL YOU CAR FORWARD TO A FIERY DETH!!!111 SO MAKE SURE TO GO SPEEDING ROUND YOU KORNERS FOR ATT LEAST 3 DAES B4 PERFORMING THIS HIGHLY DAJEROUS AND TEKNICAL STUNT!!!1 Step 2: PLEEZ FORGIVE MEE I HAV SKREWED THE ORDER THE WRONG WAY ROUND! FIRST YOU NEED TO HAVE A CAR WITH MEGAWATTS OF POWA!!11! IF YOO CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY ONE FOR THIS THEN BORROW YOU DADS OR BIG BROTHERS!! IF YOU DAD IS DEAD THEN YOU SHOULD BE MAN OF THE HOUSE AND GROW UPP ALREDDY AND STOP DOING ST00PID STUNTS!!11! Step 3: NOW YOU NED TO HAVE A SLIPPARY SERFICE ON WHICH TO PERFORM YOU DETH DEFYING BURNOUT OF KEWLNESS!!111! IF YOU CAN HAVE PATIENTE THEN WATE UNTILL IT IS RAIN AND THEN TAKE OUT YOU CRUISE-MACHINE!!11 IF NOT GET ALL OF YOU FRENDS AND AMEEGOZE TO STAND AROUND YOU DESIN^H^H^H DESGIN^H^H^H DESIGN^H^H^H CHOSEN CAR AND THEN EVERYBODY MUST SPIT GOOBERS ONTO THE WEELS UNTO THEY R THUROUGHLEE LUBRIKATED AND READYY FOR BURNOUT!!11! Step 4: NOW THE STAGE IS READY FOR YOU SPIFFO FEAT OF SKILL AND KEWLNESS!!!1 GEWT INTO YOU CHARIOT OF POWA AND SWTICH HER ON!!1! YOU WILL NEED TO HAVE A BRICK OR A SMALL ANIMAL TO PUT ON YOU ACCELERATOR AND THEN YOU WILL LET YOU ENGINE IDLE UNTIL IIT IS ROORING LIKE ALL THE DEMONS OF HELL R INSIDE IT!!!1 Step 5: NOW GENTLY DEPRESS YOU FOOT ON THE KLUCTH AND ENGAGE THE GEAR INTO YOU FURST OF SEKOND GEEAR!! GENTILY BRING YOU FOOT SLOWLY OFF OF THE KLUTCH UNTIL YOU HEAR IT APPROACHING FRIKTION POINT. YOU WILL KNOW THE TIME IS RIGHT WHEN YOU ENGINE IS PURRING LIKE A WOMAN IN THE THROWS OF PASSNATE LOVE!1!!11!! Step 6: PEDDLE TO THE MEDIL AND JUP OUT OF YEW KAR!!! YOU HAVE NOW DONE A K-RAD BURNOUT!!!!11 ROK ON!!!!111!!!! Well I feel that just about covers anything. Please feel free to archive this post and to forward it to as many people and newsgroups as you can. HTH! --Maelstrom ///////// I'm not sure whose case this one will help except for mine ///////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Son of Short, Shameful Confession Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: welcome datacomp Date: Thu, 7 May 1998 07:40:36 GMT K.M. Mennie (ay028@FreeNet.Carleton.CA) wrote: > > I woke up around four thirty yesterday morning with that unpleasant cold > sweat you only get from overly lucid dreams. You know: it takes a second > or two to realize it was only a dream, then you get up and play with the > thermostat, and abuse Benson and Hedges and Valium until you can fall back > into a less-than-deep sleep. > > What I had last night was a dream _of a prurient nature_ -- I am trying to > be ladylike here -- _involving Kibo_. > > I'm not sure if never having met Kibo redeems me or condemns me here. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? INC. PRESENTS: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? KIA ------ Has blue dreams of Kibo. Admits it. NOKIA ------ Makes cell phones and drysuits favored by action-movie heroes. REDEEMED BY KIBO ------ Entitles you to a free Taco Jr. at Taco Bell (with purchase of a 27-pack of Burrito Supreme 2000s.) CONDEMNED BY KIBO ------ Kibo drives up to your house with a perfectly square 16x16 bulldozer and your house goes "poof!" and property values go up once he puts in that round skyscraper with a "C" on top. They he embezzles thousands of dollars by typing "M-O-N-E-Y" and sets Godzilla lose. KIA, REDEEMED ------ Has a blue dream about a free Taco Jr. without cheese. KIA, CONDEMNED ------ Waits for Florence Henderson to start singing "O Holy Night" before she pops out of the rubble of her once-beautiful house. Cousin Oliver hugs her. NOKIA, REDEEMED ------ A neoprene drysuit is cut into strips and made into a Burrito Supreme. Customers hate it because it's less chewy than their usual. NOKIA, CONDEMNED ----- You press the cell-phone to your ear and your other ear falls off. You pick it up and press your ear to your head and then your head explodes. FADE TO BRIGHT. -- K. end of line //////////////////// sounds a lot funner than Lori's book //////////////////// From: imho@allowed.fis.unico.it (fB) Subject: Re: How About The Islets of Langerhans of Darla? Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: A Dark And Secret Place Date: 14 Nov 1997 16:16:33 +0100 Room 101 (room101@teleport.com) wrote: > > No, no. You've got it all wrong. That quote is from "The Diary of Anne > Frank" by Ayn Rand. Look out for the amazing followup! "The Diary of Kia Frank" is due out soon. -- fB / //////////////////////// Ted Frank's greatest words ///////////////////////// I forget, is wiping "safe" or "unsafe"? What if you use a damp cloth? -- Ted Frank, December 20, 1991 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: MARTIN LANDAU IS NO LONGER BLUE! (was: Re: Best Of Alt.Religion.Kibology 1997 Volume 1 (of 3) posted!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 6 Jan 1999 00:58:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > > > I think we'll all know who to blame. > > > > Bob Hope, for endorsing Ron Popeil's Seal-A-Landau. > > This would indicate to me that you, Kibo, are actually Bob Hope, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... (Kibo runs off to the horizon and moments later returns from the other horizon) ...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! You're mean! Especially since you made me run across the Pacific Ocean, and I lost my wallet in China. > and since the mention-a-celeberty-and-they-will-die thing only > works when you DON'T do it on purpose, your wishing that Bob Hope > would die is all part of your evil plot to LIVE FOREVER ON THE > BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT. The first time I read that it said "LIVE FOREVER ON THE BLOOD OF THE INTERNET", and I thought, yeah, that's what I'm doing. But it's not what you said, so now I get to push the special button which makes the Internet's trap door open up and drop you into a bottomless pit three-quarters filled with a mixture of snapping turtles and cooties! The real kind, not the highly entertaining Milton Bradley kind. > People, we've been duped! Kibo, quit duping already, you mean thing! WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL THEM DUPES? I'll stop as soon as all the scientists of the world stop with their fudgery. I AM SICK OF FUDGE! I WANT THEM TO MAKE RASPBERRY STUFF! -- K. RASPBERRY FUDGE IS NOT AN OPTION! I'LL DRINK RASPBERRY SHAMPOO IF I HAVE TO! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: More trouble with pictures in ark '97 Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1999 23:57:01 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp samhonk@my-dejanews.com, whose Real Name was eaten by DejaNews in a desperate bit for attention, wrote: > > Martin Landau isn't blue anymore, but there's still some problems in ark '97 > archive. There are pictures of Desi Arnaz Jr. all over it, and some are > clearly vidcaps from "Automan". Actually, they're really Automan. He has the power to become a two-dimensional matrix of pixels. However, I think I may have damaged him when I converted him from RGB to CMYK. He seems to have become a rather bad actor. > I happen to know that "Automan" never existed and I hallucinated the whole > thing. Even the bits in police stations where they were always hauling in > prostitutes they'd arrested so there would be a reason to put girls on the > show. > > So explain that! Well, see, people LIKE girls. > ..s. > (pardon my dejanews; my employer thinks he can stop us from accessing Usenet! > ha!) Or at least stop your Real Name from accessing Usenet, Mister E-Mail Address Only Person! Besides, shouldn't that be "My employer thinks he can stop as from accessing Usenet in a way which would let us sit at The Cool Table unless we pay FIVE DOLLARS A MONTH to some actual Internet service provider and not just use some silly Web page for free, and he's right, and Ted Frank owes Kibo $1,000"? -- K. I dread the day when DejaNews puts one of those stupid "spamblockers" in there and turns you into "sREMOVEaREMOVEmREMOVEhREMOVE oREMOVEnREMOVEkREMOVE(ay,tee) TWOn'sMASHEDINTOAMcDONALDSLOGO yREMOVEbackwardsbREMOVE upsidedownschwaREMOVEjREMOVEa REMOVEnREMOVEeREMOVEwREMOVEs REMOVEdeeOHteeREMOVEcREMOVEo REMOVEmREMOVEDAMMIT!!!! And then the entire world's gross national product would drop to zero as it would take several billion person-hours for anyone to reply to you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: More trouble with pictures in ark '97 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1999 22:57:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > samhonk@my-dejanews.com writes: > > > > I happen to know that "Automan" never existed and I hallucinated the whole > > thing. Even the bits in police stations where they were always hauling in > > prostitutes they'd arrested so there would be a reason to put girls on the > > show. > > See, what really happened was that Automan didn't really exist. But then > Kibo published the a.r.k archive loaded with Desi Arnaz Jr pictures, and > time travelers from the past happened to be here and they read the archive, > and they liked the pictures SO MUCH that they took the pictures back > in their time machine and made a TV series from them, and they named it > Automan! Which clearly explains why you were hallucinating it. That's disinformation promulgated by the Trapezoidal Commission. I admit it, I faked all of "Automan". I went out and hired Desi Arnaz Jr. and a top male model who couldn't act except in comparison to Desi Arnaz Jr. and made Desi stand their with his mouth hanging open while the other guy was wearing a glowing blue leotard and an early-eighties hair helmet and I took a bunch of photos of them on my special digital camera which has digital Vaseline smeared on the lens to make everything look really blurry like an old VHS tape recorded at "econo-speed". I think instead of labelling the three VHS speeds "SP, LP, EP" (old machines sometimes called "EP" "SLP", and "LP" is pretty much extinct 'cause most machines have trouble doing freeze-frames there so they don't allow you to use it at all so you won't think the machine is broken) they should just call the three speeds "GOOD MOVIE, BAD MOVIE, AUTOMAN" so you'll know which to use. Also, I apologize for having all those gorgeous women dressed as hookers walking around in my apartment while I was photographing "Automan". They kept getting in the shots even though I told them to come back later. I'm sorry if you had to look at voluptuous yet desperate women. -- K. These women were SO desperate that they were hanging around with me AND Desi Jr.! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Oh wow, the colors man, the colors Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6549 centons, 81 microns, 0.01 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 7 Jan 1999 05:46:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Reuters news Service > Seeking to build on the momentum of its popular turquoise-colored, clam > shell-shaped iMac, Apple said it would now make the computer available in > colors from blueberry to grape, tangerine, lime and strawberry. > Although these changes were accompanied by a faster processor and other > improvements beneath the translucent plastic that has become a trademark > of a resurgent Apple, the color itself was promoted as the biggest selling > point. > "We would ask our customers about what they wanted in a disk drive or a > processor and they would come back and ask, 'But can I get it in a > green?'" Steve Jobs, interim chief executive officer of Apple, said in an > interview after introducing the new product. > "The No. 1 question we got was, 'Can't you make it in more colors?'" Well, yeah, because that "Bondi Blue" (aka blue-green algae) they used last year is REALLY ICKY. It doesn't taste as good as blueberry, either. I said last a few years ago that eventually computer makers would realize that instead of making all their computers look identical to all the other computers in the world (beige bread loaves) they should charge a hundred dollars extra for your choice of a glossy black, blood red, clear, or sparkly silver metal-flake case. People treat their computers like cars, and everyone knows that a car of the wrong color isn't any good for ANYTHING! Also, people are stupid and some of them have lots of money. It was the "mainstream" computer (as opposed to the "consumer" iMac) that Jobs unveiled at the same press conference that I think looks cool. It's shaped like the pillows that kept getting censored from "Beetle Bailey": #### #### ##### ##### <-- invisible plastic except ####################### for barf green corners #### #### #### that poke you ### ###### ### ### APPLE BRAND X-DRONE ### # ##### #### <--- note giant ASCII BUAF ### ## ## ### ### carved into computer #### #### #### ####################### ##### ##### #### #### <-- can walk under its own power Yes, Mort Walker liked to draw people with pillows tucked under their arms just because he always drew the pillows with knots at the four corners so that the censor would turn funny colors and remove one of the four knots so that nobody would think Beetle had a breast, only three-quarters of a pillow. I won't even mention the little black flyspecks on the navel oranges. > The new iMac launch brought a splash of color to the MacWorld show in > San Francisco, where crowds of Macintosh faithful crowded the exhibit > floor to get a look at the new hues and debate some uncharacteristically > low-tech matters, like the merits of mixing a blueberry display with a > tangerine mouse. It's just too bad that nobody, like, manufactures paint or anything. > Jobs confessed that developing multicolored casings had proven to be one > of the company's most technically challenging problems, requiring a new > expertise in "the organic chemistry of plastic." Elsewhere he's said they consulted etensively with candy manufacturers to learn how to make translucent things of such a consistent consistency. I think he's lying because the people who make Starburst and Laffy Taffy and Jolly Ranchers would know _nothing_ about making plastic. > Could someone please write up a short dissertation based on this excerpt > of the newspaper column. Please be sure to cover the following topics: > > The pretty fruity colors > Archime