Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: i need a good picture for my email back ground,please post to the grou Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 09:08:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Richard S. Holmes (rsholmes@rodan.syr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Someday I'm going to write a song which is infinitely long just to > > see what happens when you play it with "loop=infinite". > > 99 bottles of beer on the wall > 99 bottles of beer > You take one down > You put it back up > 99 bottles of beer on the wall > > 99 bottles of beer on the wall... > > > [Mitch Miller is GONE! Thank you, Kibo! I WUV YOU!!!!] WAAH! I was trying to kill BOB HOPE to make girls wuv me! P.S. Are you A GIRL? -- K. If you'd rather be called a "lady" I'll understand. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Chlorine-containing bleach - and Ammonia in passing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 09:12:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Peope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > Bruce Hamilton (B.Hamilton@irl.cri.nz) wrote: > > > > The following is from an earlier post of mine, and is mainly > > from the Kirk Othmer Encyclopedia of Chemical Technology. > > James T. Kirk and Miss Othmar had a lovechild?!!! Wa... wa wa wa... wa wa... wa wa wa... wa... WAWAWA! WA! WAWAMANEE!!!! SPOCK! WA! -- K. Some comedy writes itself, just not the funny kid. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.dreams.toltec,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Computer Nitch Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sat, 16 Jan 1999 09:22:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.dreams.toltec, a newsgroup inhabited by exactly one person, "Mauvey" (twodar@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > A computer Nitch is like a nit: the egg of a louse or other parasitic > insect. So when the time comes, people of important places will > place the stored items with automatic rings creating a larger > improper air scramble. The voiding of all air space to block any > or all air attacks. > Vulnerability as the vulture lurks. > Personality of the person to attack. > Capability as the crocodile's teeth--for and against. (Home Simpson voice) "Mmm, improperly scrambled air voids." (slobbers) By the way, Mauvey, I'm still waiting for you to fill us in on what you think of my theory that Archimedes Plutonium is behind all your blockers and nitches. -- K. and crooks and nannies. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dear Dr. Kibo (I Have Found God) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 06:12:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "The Crayfish" (crayfish@mail.com) wrote: > > Dear Dr./Mr./Sr./Ssrs. Kibo, You forgot Rev., Fwd., and Neutral. > I have found God. That means someone else lost God! You're mean! Yay! > I chased Him behind the commode and into a Payless Shoes box, where He > appears to be resting comfortably. He's so cool! Now I need your help. > > Can I keep Him? > > Will He shed or anything? > > Thanks! He'll be okay, as long as you do not attempt to actually pay for any Payless Shoes. If you do that, they become Payfull shoes, and the box explodes, and Steve Martin comes in and starts reading short fiction aloud while the radio plays Andy Kaufman's record of the second half of "The Great Gatsby". The best thing to feed God would be a casserole of communion wafers, holy water, and shredded Velveeta. It is very important to shred the Velveeta before melting it because otherwise it bruises the orangeness. God likes his Velveeta melted with loving care, and also every night be sure to tuck Him into his little Barbie bed and tell him a good-night story which ends with the bad guys going to Hell for all eternity, and also, He likes to sleep with a Hello Kitty nite-lite. Also, do not shake the little box. NO SHAKE GOD IN THE BOX!!! God is fragile. -- K. Your reading assignment for the week: Phil Dick's "A Present For Pat". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.technology,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I have a cold today and no appetite Re: biotech-cold-virus-for-dieting (bicovidi) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 06:31:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med and sci.bio.technology, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Well, I am happy today for I weighed myself and sure enough I am now > 58 kilograms. Is that with or without your brain? > The cold made me not want to eat for 3 days except for > citrus fruit. I do take vitamin pills, I like the Flintstones. Yes, but what are your preferences with regards to vitamins? > And today I finally ate a dinner of microwaved spaghetti. I use the > microwave on all my dinners. Get some paper cups and put into it some > thin noodles until boiling then drain and add skinless, boneless > sardines, some fresh peanuts from shells, some romano and parmesan > cheese, then spaghetti sauce that has mushrooms in it, reheat. And > presto. Today I had a bottle of Journey's Ancient Cola. Great > combinations. Archie, I think your cold is contagious over the Internet, because I just lost my appetite. > Anyway, I wanted to mention also, that I have noticed that colds tend > to increase sex drives, not diminish them. At least that has been my > experience. I won't believe you unless you can prove you've had ANY "experience". > Whether this is caused due to the fact that one can hardly > sleep and so laying there in bed, well, nothing better to do since one > cannot sleep but to play. > > So, in the future if this bicovidi pill is ever mass marketed, a good > advertisement for Bicovidi is "the natural way to diet and to be > passionate to your lover" A bicovidi pill would be good for > Thanksgiving and for Xmass, holidays or occasions where one may > overindulge in food and be sorry afterwords. Occasional dieting because > the body would immunize against that strain of cold virus. So the pill > would be limited. But very effective, ie, it works and works well. > Probably no other marketed diet pill is as effective as what bicovidi > would be. I can't wait to see what your testing regimen of your imaginary diet pill for FDA approval will involve. Shouldn't you hurry up and invent the thing before you market it? > [re "feed a cold and starve a fever"] > > Drink to a cold because the loss of fluids to cough and sneeze. Feed a > headache to neutralize the excess salt in the body. A cold makes one > not want to eat. So, you're saying that you cause everyone else on the Internet to have excess salt in their bodies? -- K. Do you cut your raw spaghetti with scissors or just crumble it up in your hands before microwaving it in the Dixie cups? (Incidentally, for those who don't already know, paper-cup fan Archie is employed as a professional DISHWASHER.) How many times do you wash the Dixie cups before you flush 'em? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Babies feel MORE pain Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 17 Jan 1999 06:44:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ladies and gentlemen... scientific proof that SCIENTISTS ARE MEANER THAN JOAN CRAWFORD! In alt.circumcision, sci.med, misc.kids.health, and misc.kids.pregnancy, Hugh Young (hugh@wn.pla.nz) wrote: > > From the Dominion (Wellington, NZ) 13/1/99, reprinted from the Sunday > Telegraph: > > Because of different 'wiring', this baby feels > pain for longer, more sensitively and over a greater area of its body than > adults > > Babies feel more pain > > Researchers believe that a baby's pain-signalling mechanism makes it feel > sensations before an older child would. Victoria MacDonald reports > > > Scientists have shown for the first time that newborn babies have a > "unique" nervous system which makes them respond to pain differently from > adults. > > In research that has far-reaching implications for the medical and surgical > treatment of infants, the scientists have found that newborn children feel > pain longer and more sensitively. Also scientists have more fun torturing babies because they don't fight back. > And in premature babies, the mechanism that allows older children and > adults to "dampen down" the pain messages does not work properly. Older children are supposed to make you feel LESS pain? I thought they usuall beat you up and took all your toys. > Until now, it has been presumed that a baby's pain system is too immature > to function properly, or that they react in a similar way to adults but > less efficiently. > > Researchers at University College London have now discovered that babies' > sensory systems have a unique pain-signalling mechanism, which disappears > as they grow older. As the scientists wear it out by torturing the poor helpless babies. > This makes them feel pain sooner than an older child or adult, and because > of different "wiring" they can react to stimulation as if it is pain - even > when it is not. > > It is only in the past 10 years that it has even been acknowledged that > babies and infants feel pain. Yeah! Last year everyone thought that babies cry for NO REASON when you let them crawl on the stove while all the burners are empty but turned up high! > Before that, babies born prematurely - after less than 30 weeks of > pregnancy - would undergo traumatic or surgical procedures without > pain-killing drugs. > > Ticky Wright, of the British Women and Children's Welfare Fund, set up to > promote research into pain relief of the unborn child, has welcomed the new > research. > > "I call this the 'oops' syndrome. First we were told that infants did not > feel pain, then that the newborn baby did not, then that a foetus did not," > Mrs Wright says. "Each time it is looked at, the boundaries are pushed > further and further back. Yet masses more research needs to be done." MASSES OF BABIES MUST BE SPANKED TO DETERMINE WHETHER IT REALLY DOES HURT US MORE THAN IT HURTS THEM!!! > Maria Fitzgerald, the professor of developmental neurobiology at the Thomas > Lewis Pain Research Centre, based at the University College of London, says > the work has shown the importance of adequate pain relief for infants and > children. "We have learned that if a scientist is throwing darts at your baby, you should afterwards give him half of a baby aspirin. Then you can go back to torturing him." > Writing in the Medical Research Council's journal, Professor Fitzgerald > says: "Reports in clincial and psychological literature indicate early > injury or trauma can have long-term consewquences on sensory or pain > behaviour that extend into childhood or beyond." these consewquences can include stitches. OW! OW! STOP SPANKING ME! I'M ALLOWED TO MAKE LAME PUNS ABOUT TYPOS BECAUSE I'M NOT A BABY ANY MORE! > Professor Fitzgerald says that because the spinal sensory nerve cells work > differently in babies, even a simple skin wound at birth can lead to the > area becoming hypersensitive to touch long after the wound has healed. A simple skin would at birth leads to doctors poking you there every day for the rest of your life. > By studying these sensory nerve cells in infants, the scientists discovered > that their reflex to pain or harm is greater and more prolonged than that > of adults. The sensory nerve cells are also linked to larger areas of skin, > which means they fell pain over a greater area of their bodies. Scientists have determined that babies feel pain on every area of their bodies via a scientific technique called "a process of elimination" using sharp needles that can get into every nook and cranny and leave a record of where they've been. The babies are expected to enjoy their new full-body tattoos. > Adults produce pain reflexes only when they encounter harmful stimulation, > but newborns respond less selectively, and produce the same reflex even to > a light touch. > > The scientists believe this is because, in babies, the sensory nerve fibres > that communicate non-harmful touch - known as A fibres - end in a different > part of the spinal cord from adults. But in adults, the cells are connected > only to the pain-transmitting C fibres. B fibers are only used during puberty to connect the spinal cord to Dad's credit card just before wild parties. > Professor Fitzgerald says another contributing factor in the newborn > child's pain system is that the nerve pathways, which carry pain-inhibiting > messages from the brain stem to the spinal cord, mature later than other > parts of the system. "These nerve fibres from the brain stem start to grow > down the spinal cord early in foetal life, but they do not extend branches > into the spinal cord for some time, and do not function fully till soon > after birth," Professor Fitzgerald writes in the journal. > > "This means the premautre baby cannot benefit from the natural pain-killing > system, which, in adults, dampens down pain messages as they enter the > central nervous system. > > "Do these discoveries mean that the newborn infant's spinal cord transmits > a different pain signal to the cortex of [sic: than?] that of an adult? We > think so." For instance, adults do not cry when scientists jab letter openers into their soft spot. (POOR SPOT!) > The University College of London researchers now aim to investigate the > long-term consequences of early injuries, which, they believe, will change > the care given to premature and sick newborn babies. From now on, babies will be poked a lot more to make sure they know how to feel pain. -- K. "THESE SCIENTISTS THINK THEY'RE SO COOL BUT THEY'RE REALLY MEAN!!!" (Cheerleader in eleventh grade telling everyone someone told her about rabbits being used as guinea pigs. Actual quote from memory.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: news.groups,sci.chem,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: RFD: sci.physics.atom-totality Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1999 09:58:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.plutonium In news.groups,sci.chem, and sci.physics, the King of Science, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > David Wolff (dwolff@world.std.com) writes: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > PROPOSAL: sci.physics.atom-totality > > > > > > ...to be moderated by The King Of Science, Archimedes Plutonium, > > > whose body of work yields the quintessential definition of > > > what is science and what isn't. > > > > This is the finest newsgroup proposal I have ever seen and I fully > > support it. I hope the CFV comes up as soon as possible and I urge > > everyone to vote "FRELB" on it. > > Thanks; not sure what FRELB means. Functionally Retarded Enormous Loser Bozo, you FRELB. > I had read a long time ago that sometimes newsgroups are created > without going through the regular motions and channels, in rare > circumstances. I would like to appeal that my case is a rare > circumstance Oh, thank God. > in that it would lessen the noise level in the science > newsgroups where I have posted for the past 6 years, by confining my > posts to just one newsgroup. The Internet's first padded newsgroup. > The noise level would be considerably > reduced in the entire science hierarchy. Arch, I can think of a way you could eliminate ALL the noise from the science newsgroups, and all it would take would be your bathtub and a fifty-five gallon drum of sulfuric acid. (Or maybe you'd only need thirty gallons 'cause you're short, like most kings. Inbreeding, you know.) -- K. Vote FRELB on Archimedes Plutonium now! Vote FRELB all over Archimedes Plutonium! With spray paint! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.econ,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Case for Capital Controls Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1999 10:07:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor William F. Hummel (wfhummel@mediaone.net) wrote: > > This timely article was written in December 1998 by one of > America's most distinguished economists. I thought it was worth > reprinting for the benefit of subscribers to sci.econ. -wfh- > > THE CASE FOR CAPITAL CONTROLS > by Paul Davidson I D0NT AGGREE !!!!11 THEIR SHU0LD B N0 C0NTR0LZ 0N CAPIT0LS !!!!!!!1 S0METIMEZ THE CAPS L0CK KEY IS L0CKED ALL THE WAY D0WN WHEN I START 2 TYPE & IT D0ES IT AUT0MATICALLY !!!!!!!!!!11 & M0ST 0F THE TIME 0N THE INTER NET U HAV 2 SHU0T 2 BE HERD ANY WAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 S0 I AGGREE WITH U THAT THEY"RE SHU0LD B N0 C0NTR0LZ 0N CAPIT0LS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 CAPIT0LS R00L !!!!! Y0U"RE FREIND ,,, KIBIFF !!!!! @ WEBTV.C0M ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kids Say the STUPIDEST Things. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1999 10:22:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > I got this off some Christian Humor (which is an oxymoron) website. > > When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed > with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed > with explosions. But last night I had a jar of olives stuffed with capers which were made in Croatia (the olives, too.) They're from some Croatian city with the funny funny name of "Split, Croatia". Anyway, around the edge of the tiny jar's lid it says: IMPORTED DELICACY FROM THE ADRIATIC - THE CLEANEST COAST IN THE MEDITERRANEAN Wow! These olives were fished out of the ocean in the least filthy bay in Eastern Europe! Next they'll tell me that Bavaria has started selling tuna from the least polluted part of the Black Forest! Anyway, when you split (get it? "split"? har! har!) these olives open, inside there are tasty capers that taste kinda like olives, and vice versa. So what I'd like to know is, if you bite an atom in half and lick the frosting out of its creamy center, does the frosting taste like the rest of the atom and vice versa? If so, this proves that atoms are not indivisible because they have frosting inside!!! -- K. (at this point, this article is abruptly terminated as a sheet-metal robot stomps across your screen bellowing "MUST! SPLIT! CROATIA!" He vaporizes everyone in alt.religion.kibology, and all that remains is a tree with the word "CROATIAN" carved into it.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.misc,sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Proving all species must go extinct Re:Theory of errors in biology related to physics theory of time Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 06:53:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.med, sci.bio.misc, sci.physics, and sci.astro, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) replied to his reply: > > I believe I have a direct proof that all species will eventually go > extinct. This is very profound. It means that humanity will someday be > in rock layers as fossils, like the dinosaurs. Fine, I'll give you the Nobel Prize as soon as you verify your theory by waiting for everyone in the Universe goes extinct. Please stand on the Special Spot, put on the Waiting Hat, and begin. Also, if you blink, you lose. (Poor Special Spot!) > A direct proof as I said in the earlier post would give a time for our > Extinction. The direct proof relies on my recent new theories. This has something to do with your Theory Of Error Accumulation, which says that your theories get more wrong over time, right? So, by the time we all go extinct, exactly how stupid will your Ponzi Pyramid Of Plutonium Prattle have become? > [...dee dee dee dee da da da da doot doo doot... <-- MUSIC OF OMISSION] > > That theory I called Jupiter Conjoinment and it deals with the creation > and mechanics of solar systems. It says, in brief, that our Sun was born > from the joining of smaller bodies to it to grow plus the spontaneous > creation of matter (Dirac radioactivity). Thus, Jupiter is fated to > become a twin star to the Sun. In its fated course, Jupiter will swallow > up other planets. Thus, Earth and the inner planets may be swallowed up by > Jupiter. This is because all scientists know that the Jupiter Conjoinment theory says that Spontaneous Neutron Materialization is making all objects bigger, so therefore Jupiter will soon be the biggest object in the plutonium-atom- shaped Universe because everyone knows that it would be STUPID to assume that the Sun grew too. Incidentally, if all objects are growing bigger, how do you explain that you're still not as tall as Harlan Ellison? > Combining Fusion Barrier Law and Star Creation of Jupiter Conjoinment > means that the Solar System has only so much energy useful to humanity > such as oil, and uranium. Once they run out, we are in trouble. We > cannot escape the Solar System for we have not a greater energy pack > than uranium and the interstellar distances are too large. Not for long! Remember, all the planets are getting bigger! Soon we'll be able to hop from Earth to Jupiter, and then a slightly longer hop to planets named after other Greek and/or alien gods, such as Neptune, Batman, and Phar Lap. > We are pretty much confined to the Solar System. So, we can approximate how > much uranium is available to us in the Solar System and we can > calculate whether we can make a outpost shelter on some other astro > body in the Solar System should Jupiter swallow up Earth. I will sell you a Jupiter Shelter for TEN DOLLARS! DOUBLE YOUR MONEY BACK IF TIME ENDS BEFORE JUPITER EATS YOUR HOUSE! > A last retreat. But once our uranium is depleted, we are at the complete > mercy of the big astro objects in the Solar System. As opposed to now, when even the most dim-witted crackpot can bounce planets around the Solar System like someone using a real pool cue on one of those little toy pool tables that has marbles on it. > We can actually calculate numbers assuming the above two theories are > true and come up with a distant future date where we go extinct. September 13, 1999. > Several years ago I expounded on the speculation that Pulsars are > really advanced civilizations communicating to each other because of > the Fusion Barrier Law, and stuck to their own solar systems. > Impossible to travel out of their solar systems but capable of > communicating by a pulsar device. These are not neutron stars but > advanced civilizations. If all the above is true, perhaps some future > date, we too will make pulsar machines so that we leave more than > fossils and artifacts in rocks. We can leave rocks in artifacts too! Like the grit inside your Hula Hoop. SATURN'S RINGS MUST BE RE-ORBITED TO BECOME A SHOOP SHOOP HULA HOOP! > Pulsars are known to display puzzling things such as turning off and on. Um, yeah, I believe the generally accepted theory is that pulsars pulse. > This supports advanced civilization communication rather than > orbital interference by a partner star. You see, if you can make leaps of logic like that, you'll be standing on Batman by September! And you won't even need to wear your special heavy space boots providing you weight enough that gravity affects you! > Mars is speculated to have had life but is now barren of life. It is > tempting to speculate that Mars was rich with life before the Sun > swallowed up many planets. The following planets used to exist inside Mercury's orbit: 1.) Vulcan 2.) Frodo 3.) Kryptophan 4.) Tootsiepopplefrex 5.) Pantsland and 6.) North Woxwox Sadly, they have all been swallowed by the Sun, even the ones that tasted bad. > Mars was fortunate enough to be swung out of > Sun's swallowing act, but in the turmoil, Mars lost its cover of life. > Perhaps Earth dancing between Jupiter growing into a star twin to the > Sun, will suffer a Mars type turmoil. Perhaps we will be prepared if > that conjecture comes true. But still, if we make a last outpost on > some distant planet, say Pluto which by that time is warm and > Earthlike, still, we are abiding time before our energy sources run > out, our uranium, and are just sitting ducks or sitting dinosaurs for > the will of the giant astro bodies of the Sun and Jupiter. And we are sitting ducks sitting on uncomfortable chairs in the Dartmouth science library which are designed to hamper our efforts to perfect the Plutonium Atom Totality, the final unification of math, science, logic, butts, and chairs! > In my youth I read about the Big Bang and the Big Crunch Obviously when you were so young, Alexander Abian didn't allow you to read his provocative (yet wrong) theory titled "The Big Suck", or its followup, "Sucky Totality". > where one would crush us out of existence and the other would make the > cosmos so thinned out that we eventually are so thinned out that we literary > freeze to death. That's not scientific research, that's TYPING!!! Also, you type too loud. I mean, your keyboard's plenty quiet, but we can hardly hear ourselves think over your shouting out the letters every time you find one. > Well, the thinning out universe of a endless expansion, that idea may > be in store for us in our own backyard of the Solar System. Please leave your theories at the end of the Solar System's driveway for pickup and safe disposal by the Solar Sanitation Engineers. Also, don't come crying to me the next time you're playing in the back yard and you fall off the Solar Swingset or the Solar Jungle Gym. > Some year ago I made the conjecture that the Solar System is more > like a cell in the vast cosmos. If we consider the cosmos as a human > being then the solar system is like a single cell in that body. That > analogy is not that good because the cells in a body are close by one > another. Our solar system is rather distant from other solar systems. > But that analogy is worthwhile to keep in mind in this exploration of > species extinction. In the Atom Totality, the purpose of life is to > create the elements beyond uranium. Really? My purpose in life is to destroy the elements up to and including uranium. That way it'll look like there are more elements at the bottom end of the periodic table -- relatively -- in case you turn out to be not bright enough to synthesize element 119 in your kitchen. When I say "your kitchen", of course, I really mean your employer's kitchen. But you know what I mean, because you're the King of Science! And dishwashing. > When I discovered the Atom Totality > theory I soon believed that the purpose of life was to make the > elements beyond uranium and that the universe had billions and billions Damn, Apple Computer Inc. rubbed out the wrong "billions and billions" guy! > of solar systems in a competition race to see which civilization > created element 188 and then 190, and then 192 first, to usher in the > new Atom Totality of Element 96. That may be the cosmic design. But > when I thought that in 1991, I did not have the Fusion Barrier Law > which would come to me in 1997. That law changes the picture, for it > means that most civilizations will go extinct without ever making > elements 188, 190 and 192. With this new information I will revise my > ideas of "what God's plans are"; God of course is 231Pu. God is over two hundred and thirty times as pee-you as we are. God needs a bath! Maybe you can give him one in your dishwasher. Assuming Dartmouth lets you use one and not just a special paper towel with rounded corners so you can't hurt yourself. > The literature of the world has a word, misanthropic, I believe it > "can" mean the fated doom of humanity. I do not even need the theory of > Jupiter conjoinment but the single theory of Fusion Barrier, if true, > to prove directly that humanity will go extinct. Fusion Barrier sets an > upper limit in time for the human species to live, given the Solar > System conditions. That's nothing. I predict that EVERYONE ALIVE TODAY will be dead by the year 5000! Or at least in weird little jars where all you can do is watch TV with a new part of your brain. I think you would like having a new part of your brain. It would ALL be new to you. > Combining the Atom Totality theory that in the future a new Atom will > be created to make the universe and the limitations of the Fusion > Barrier Law, that travel within the universe is limited to one's solar > system, pretty well dooms all civilizations to eventual extinction. The > masters of each Solar System is not the life inhabitants but the big > rocks-- the Jupiters and stars of that solar system. The life in each > solar system are there for the ride, so to speak. But, but, but, if Jupiter is constantly growing -- and if it's sucking in ALL THE OTHER PLANETS IN THE UNIVERSE -- then you've just proven that at some point in the future every planet WILL come very close to Jupiter. You have disproven your own theory by proving it, you bozo! > And these pulsars, communicating, if they are advanced lifeforms, > when they are decoded, the information that they will contain will be > for sure, the date in which that civilization first *identified* > plutonium and the date for which that civilization first discovered the > plutonium atom totality. For humanity those two dates are 1940 and > 1990, a perfect 50 years apart. Of course our time will have to be > something scientific such as a radioactive decay scale. 1940 -- plutonium discovered 1990 -- some guy has his psychotic episode, a break with reality 2040 -- "Star Trek" writers finally admit they ran out of ideas a while ago 2090 -- flying dolphins conquer humanity after they invent the Endless Candy Faucet 2140 -- God says to Himself, "Eh, that nut job must be dead by now -- I don't have time to check -- I'll just switch off those blinking lights I made to amuse him." 2190 -- the last man on Earth finally dies. And his name was... Bob Hope. > If this pulsar conjecture is true, then considering how many pulsars > there are, we are pretty "dumb" compared to them. And in my 1991 > thoughts of a competition contest to make element 190, instead, 231Pu's > design is for cooperation, not competition. > > Postscript: I could not prove that all species go extinct, indirectly > for I would have to consider all of humanity as one machine, and then I > would need the parameter of error or friction for the machine. For an > individual, the friction is easy because it is mutations and other > errors. "Friction is easy!" -- Archimedes Plutonium "Math is hard!" -- Barbie Figures he wouldn't say math were easy. At least until he evolves a few dozen more fingers. > But for all of humanity, there is higher concept for error or > friction. And thus, machines, friction and 2nd law of thermodynamics > would not yield to me an indirect proof that all species by laws of > physics are doomed to extinction. > > The above is very profound, however, one must not feel bad, feel > nihilistic, or take the opposite tact of live for the moment, get all > the pleasure, hedonism, because down the road we all go extinct. No, > because in an Atom Totality, there is plenty of room for reincarnation, > and that photons live a long time and that we can come back again for > those that are "with the force". ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE OUR DARK LORD, DARTH PLUTONIUM!!!! -- K. I'm not being mean to him, I'm using opposite tact. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "Pullover solvent" Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 07:09:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.chem.coatings, Jeff Jewitt (jbjewitt@gwis.com) wrote: > > Subject: "Pullover solvent" Hooray! Now at last James Darren will be able to remove that too-tight green sweater without dulling his pinking shears! -- K. How come they don't make oranging shears? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "Pullover solvent" Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 07:09:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Gary Williams (gwms@spectra.net) wrote: > > > > Mike Sauve wrote (msauve@altavista.net) wrote: > > > > > > Why are carrots "oranger" than oranges? > > > > Because oranges as shipped to stores are typically yellow, green or a > > motly of yellow and green, dyed orange and artifically ripened by a gas > > applyed in the trucks during shipment. > > > > Carrots really _are_ orange, (mostly,) while store oranges are usually > > artificially orange. > > > > Tree ripened oranges are truely orange, often aided by the growth of > > tomatoes in or near the grove (tomatoes naturally produce the ripening gas). > > Oh, that's just dandy. Now I'm gonna spend all day thinking about farting > tomatoes. Real mature. That's what you get for spending all morning playing that Parker Brothers board game for the whole family, "DADDY FARTED A TOMATO!" Oh, wait, you meant you were thinking about tomatos THAT ARE farting, not about tomatoes flying out of your butt. I apologize for putting that image in your mind. Please don't think about tomatoes coming out of your butt! Also don't make any callbacks to that comp.sys.mac.advocacy post I once saw titled "PC'S ARE FARTING!!!" which ended the Mac-vs-PC debate forever, or at least until Microsoft fixed the bug that makes PCs fart a lot. -- K. Also, I recently saw a WebTV person with this in their signature: ...and the rest of their signature looked like a tomato! Or at least like a fart. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Bill Mumy! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 07:15:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I would just like to say that even at my advanced age, I am not even a millionth as cool as Bill Mumy was when he was a little kid, and my TV sitcom career isn't a billionth as cool as when Eddie Munster told him, "You're the meanest kid I ever met!" However, I am a few billionths as cool as Eddie Munster. One of those sentences is an understatement. Anyway, I would just like to say -- AND I HAVE NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE WHATSOEVER -- that Bill Mumy is the coolest human being who ever lived, what with the "Lost In Space" and working with The Klugster in a house of mirrors on "The Twilight Zone" and making Butch Patrick think he'd turned into a chimp on "The Munsters" and what with the "Fish Heads" and the comic books and the cool Mandelbrot set tattooed on his scalp on "Babylon 5" and also he was the high point of Roger Corman's and Yoram Globus's "Captain America" movie, which would have truly sucked had Bill Mumy not been in it. BILL MUMY IS A GOD, and I'm not just saying this for the heck of it even though he couldn't possibly be reading alt.religion.kibology. I WOULD NOT TAKE BILL MUMY'S NAME IN VAIN. -- K. Especially as I'm sure he could beat me up, like Butch Patrick once did. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bill Mumy! Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 23:36:19 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Birmingham Gremlin (gremlin@newsguy.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I WOULD NOT TAKE BILL MUMY'S NAME IN VAIN. > > If you did would he accuse you of "searchenginebombing" and then "lawsuit" > you? Enquiring minds want to know!!!!!111111!!!! Hey, if Bill Mumy came up with a theory that the Universe is a giant plutonium atom because he likes shredded coconut, I would belive it. Such is my respect for Bill Mumy that if he were to suffer a massive head trauma and begin spouting the same gibberish as Archimedes Plutonium it would immediately BECOME TRUE in my mind because Bill Mumy is much smarter than that gibberish and if it came out of his mouth it would be immediately upgraded to Actual Science, while Archie is only AS SMART AS the gibberish that comes out of his mouth and therefore he's a bozo and it's bozotic. If Bill Mumy were to replace Archimedes Plutonium, the Internet would be FUN! Unlike how it is now, what with those viruses and spam and warez and n00d f0t0z all over the place. I'm not saying Bill Mumy wouldn't allow n00d f0t0z. I'm just saying that Archie has never taken a public stand against pornography. -- K. Whenever I stand against pornography I get these ink stains all over the back of my shirt. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bill Mumy! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 03:59:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@2cowherd.com) wrote: > > Mike Castle (dalgoda@news.rt66.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] "Captain America" movie, which would have truly sucked had > > > Bill Mumy not been in it. BILL MUMY IS A GOD, and I'm not just > > > saying this for the heck of it even though he couldn't possibly > > > be reading alt.religion.kibology. > > > > Not to mention an engineer O'Brien would be proud of in DS9 (high praise > > indeed), then dying as a hero at the end. But I don't like "Deep Space Nine" because I only like science fiction and it's based on NASA's actual mission of the same name so it must suck like everything that comes out of NASA, unless Bill Mumy came out of NASA, in which case he's the only cool thing about NASA. Oh, and Dean Lenort can be cool, too, if he wants. > Yeah, but TV Guide called him "Bill Mummy," so it doesn't count. ATTACK OF THE BILL MUMMY!!! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!!! I have a hunch that he has one of those names like "Conan O'Brien" that caused him to learn to recite the phrase "THAT'S VERY FUNNY, THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE HEARD THAT ONE... TODAY!!!" by age nine. Unless he just beamed that into people's forebrains with his telepathic powers and then wished them into the cornfield. Hey, know how after NBC's "seaQuest" blew up on the alien planet at the end of the second season, at the beginning of the next season they found the submarine sitting in the middle of a cornfield (not making this up) and they said that the reason the first officer turned up in the shower was that the aliens revived them and beamed them to wherever their last happy memory was? Well, that's obviously stupid, because it means that the ship was thinking about how much it likes corn. A much more sensible explanation is that Bill Mumy didn't like NBC's "seaQuest" and he wished it into the cornfield. I can picture him doing that because (a) he has taste, (b) he has super powers, and especially (c) he is forcing me to picture it right now, I better go wrap my head in aluminum foil. -- K. If he puts me in the cornfield for revealing his secret, I at least hope he send this computer with me and not just some stupid blue-with-leopard-spots sub. P.S. The baseball player Gaylord Perry spelled his name with an E, dammit! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Tom Clancy: _Net Force_ Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 07:46:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > Over the last week or so, I spent mealtimes and occasional download times > reading _Net Force_ by Tom Clancy and Steve Pieczenik. > > [...] > > There's not much good in this book to report. > > [...] > > Ah, and watching the teaser to the TV movie indicates that it's > nothing at all like the book, so it just might be excellent. > Unless there's all kinds of bad, some totally unlike the others. Louis, you need to watch more TV, read more books, see more movies, listen to more music, and eat more unlabelled snacks from Chinatown. You are a culturally-deprived child who is living in a plastic bubble where your parents forgot to put anything bad. There's sucky bad, and stupid bad, and boring bad, and infantile bad, and derivative bad, and dropped-on-the-floor-and-broken bad, and cheap bad, and they-wasted-a-hunnerd-million-bucks-on-this bad, and smelly bad, and bad-comedy bad, and bad-attempt-at-hipness bad, and bad milk bad, and especially non-good bad. Your homework assignment is to watch the movie "Event Horizon" with a pice of clear plastic over your TV screen, and color each kind of badness with a different crayon. I suggest that first you purchase the SuperDeluxe Crayola MegaBox of 65536, and maybe get in an extra supply of whatever color corresponds to Sam-Neill-as-satan-for-the-third-time bad. -- K. Last time I did this it was with "Journey Through The Black Sun" with Martin Landau, Barbara Bain, and Sybil Danning. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: WEBTV For Dummies exsists...I swear to God Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3015 centons, 19 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 08:03:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor doctoraaron@mindless.com wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > I honestly thought 'WEBTV For Dummies' was a joke. > > But it's not. It's real. > > I saw it too, in Waldenbooks today. It's actually not a bad book, Ladies and gentlemen, I, uh, things and... stuff? My brain hurts. Oh, wait, I just remembered, Dr. Aaron is the Kibologist with a WebTV. (WARNING: KIBOLOGIST WITH WEBTV!) So, it's okay to pretend all his opinions are not only invalid but opposite those of any sane human being. Therefore we can be comfortably reassured that we know that "WebTV For Dummies" is actually for dummies and not some kind of irony we're too un-hip to appreciate. I'm sure if I failed to explore all the logical ramifications of this that Lee Bumgarner will set us straight. > and it has a bit of an HTML lesson, too. Now, I didn't read all of it, > but nowhere did I see a "How to make a stupid frikken audioscope > like every other WebTV'er on the planet" section. Still, when I saw that > book on the shelf, I couldn't help but laugh. Yeah! What makes them think that people who watch the Innernet on their Tee-Vee can READ? Fer chrissake, the thing makes FAKE dialing noises when it connects because REAL touch-tone phone noises aren't NON-THREATENING enough for Grandma and her 66 cats and 1 WebTV. > [Insert "WebTV'ers are frikken morons - except me" rant here.] > Also, s are not stupid IN AND OF THEMSELVES. I'm sure that if they evolved naturally from the primorial ooze and s came crawling out of the ocean, we would have no opinion. We're just prejudiced against them because the people who use them are huge freakin' morons. Because they use s. Also, your post said "audioscope" in it, and I think that counts as using one. GET OFFA MY SCREEN, SPAWN OF WEBTV!!! > I'm sure that many of you think the same of WebTV'ers in > general, but with my status, I'm only allowed to laugh at those > too dumb to operate a WebTV without a how-to guide. But anyone who says "Hey, I don't want to look like a COMPLETE idiot, I better READ A BOOK" can't be the bottom of the I.Q. barrel. I think that the real morons would be the ones who won't buy that book, or worse, they buy "Dilbert" books instead of the WebTV book. (I used to think that the guy who draws "Dilbert" is a brainy doubledome genius rocket scientist, but then someone mailed me one of his books, and it turns out that all his books are 3/4 wacky cartoons and silly satire and the last quarter is about his Expanding Earth Theory and how to say daily affirmations, complete with bibliography. So basically he's about as smart as Archimedes Plutonium plus the Hollywood executives who greenlighted the movie "Stuart Saves His Family".) -- K. Also "Dilbert" is just a rip-off of "The Simpsons" because you can tell by the high zigzag hair. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dumb TV commercial of the day. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 04:09:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor There's an ad for The History Channel, or maybe The Learning Channel or maybe The Discovery Channel, one of those pseudo-educational fake PBSes with commercials and a name like "The _______ Channel" (and at this point I'd like to swerve this article to avoid a Charles Nelson Reilley reference) which shows up on CNN Headline News (which I watch all day so that I can see the same weather report over and over for twenty-four hours. It's not like you can tell because the next day's one always uses the same template: "This is YOUR Headline News Weather. As we PUT THE MAP IN MOTION, we see DEADLY LAKE-EFFECT SNOW blah blah blah GUSTNADO blah blah COOLER TEMPERATURES WILL PREVAIL.") It's the one where they show the knight getting dressed for jousting as the announcer prattles on about his "battle-ready helmet" (REGULAR STEEL HELMETS CAN ONLY BE USED FOR COOKING EGGS IN!) (and I again swerve this article to avoid talking about my own wacky grammar) (narrowly skidding past the line "she's locked in the basement with Uncle Archimedes") and it ends with the line "Too bad seat belts are 560 years away." This commercial is pretty professional-looking, they spent ten bucks to buy a good piece of stock music to play in the background. This little orchestral mood-enhancer is a full thirty seconds long. Too bad the commercial came out twenty seconds long. After "Too bad seat belts are 560 years alive. The Whatever Channel, Where History Comes Alive!", it fades to black, and the music plays while we see a solid black screen for the remaining ten seconds. The blank screen is my favorite part of CNN Headline News. -- K. They've only covered 58 local Polar Bear clubs this month, plus nine reports on the possibility that Delta Airlines may change its carry-on bag restrictions. Why can't they just put Ginny Moes on 24 hours a day and stop with the lame news? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dumb TV commercial of the day. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 08:06:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There's an ad for The History Channel, or maybe The Learning Channel or > > maybe The Discovery Channel, one of those pseudo-educational fake PBSes > > with commercials and a name like "The _______ Channel" (and at this point > > I'd like to swerve this article to avoid a Charles Nelson Reilley reference) > > You think you can control Charles Nelson Reilley, the force of nature? Or at least force other people to misspell his name. > Let's Decend Into Infantality > Just Like Charles Nelson Reilly: alt.religion.kibology participants should watch their step as there's a half-inch dropoff here. Everyone else, use the elevator. > BAZOOMS! The BAZOOMS! Channel. Too late! MUAHAHAHAHA! > > Flawless Victory; Fatality. But you forgot The WEE-WEE! Channel, The NUMBER ONE! Channel, and especially the MADE WHOOPEE TO JACK KLUGMAN! Channel (because he always sat next to Brett Somers.) Note how the "regulars" like Charles and Brett had to sit in the top row, while the others had to sit in front. This is because they always tried to match the top row first, meaning that Charles had a contract guaranteeing that he would be in the first half of the six people who all said "WEE-WEE!" to make him look more original than if he were #6. That was the worst episode of The Prisoner, where Charles Nelson Reilly is #6 and keeps yelling "PEE-OH-PEE, PROTECT OTHER PEOPLE, PEE-PEE!" to the killer weather balloon that comes out of the big pop-up toaster that says "A | B" on the front. > > It's the one where they show the knight getting dressed for jousting > > as the announcer prattles on about his "battle-ready helmet" > > with action lance, charging horse, and kung-fu leaping codpiece. Helmet > does not enable wearer to do battle. May cause skin irritation, intense > whanging headaches, blurred eyesight, severe head trauma, forgetfulness, > and skin irritation. Keep out of children. This is those Power Rangers / Apollo Astronaut action figure packs, like "Alan Bean / Black Power Ranger", isn't it? I like how the Power Rangers people clearly couldn't license any of the three astronauts people have heard of (John Glenn, Neil Armstrong, and Christa McAuliffe.) KIBO SUDDENLY ATTEMPTS TO SWERVE THIS MESSAGE TO AVOID CRASHING INTO A SICK JOKE ABOUT CHRISTA McAULIFFE BUT IT EXPLODES!!!! Sorry. It wasn't my fault, it was because Richard Feynman kept dipping the O-rings in ice water right before launch. Please complain to him about making sick jokes. > > After "Too bad seat belts are 560 years alive. The Whatever Channel, > > Where History Comes Alive!", it fades to black, and the music plays > > while we see a solid black screen for the remaining ten seconds. > > AAAA! The seat belt is ALIVE! It won't let me out of the car! This > is worse than Pee Wee Herman's lounge chair, except it doesn't have > those creepy stains that show up under a blacklight. Worse, it's a "lap belt", if you know what I mean, and I hope you don't. P.S. WEE-WEE!!!! > [CAR fills with deadly CARBON MONOXIDE, killing POSTER] Thank god, no more "Desiderata"! > fin. Dorsal, ventral, or fifties Cadillac? -- K. Where do fish get overpriced charred, fossilized bagel dogs? FIN AGLE A BAGEL!!! There, that makes up for the Christa McAuliffe reference. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Disney-type movie Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 06:11:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I was watching a Disney type movie on HBO. It's all about a cute little > dog who gets lost and has amazing adventures. Yay for Spot! > Two things about it disturbed me. > 1) The doggy's mom can't look for him because she's tied up in the backyard. > THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE!! BAD SPOT! NO MENTOS FOR YOU! > 2) Secondly, one of the animals the dog befriends is a wild bird. Ah, it must be a fantasy, because we all know Spot would never actually have a friend. > Named 'Birdo'. > The absolute lack of effort to make up that name stuns me. Could be worse. The bird could have been named "Friend", or "Dolphin". -- K. I woulda called him "Birdoo" just so that seven-year-olds would enjoy SOMETHING in the stupid happy dog movie. Hmm, maybe the movie wasn't intended for kids. Do you think maybe you watched A MOVIE FOR DOGS? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: CFV: sci.physics.atom-totality Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 06:19:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'm reposting Bynyip's article (originally posted in news.groups, sci.chem, and sci.physics) here so that alt.religion.kibology may enjoy it, even though I think my proposed charter (in the Request For Discussion) was more restrictive and/or needlessly cruel to Archie and therefore better. The funny line-wrapping was that way when I found it, and also, I haven't bothered reading the part about how it will self-destruct if reposted. -- K. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- > From: "Bunyip" > Subject: CFV: sci.physics.atom-totality > Newsgroups: news.groups, sci.chem, sci.physics > Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 21:50:27 -0500 FIRST CALL FOR VOTES (of 2) moderated group sci.physics.atom-totality Instructions for voting are just before the ballot itself. Please read them before voting. If you have questions about the voting process, ask the votetaker. This CFV is to be distributed only by the votetaker. It is not to be posted to newsgroups, or mailed to mailing lists or individuals, except by the votetaker, and it is not to be placed on the World Wide Web. Ballots or CFVs provided by anyone except the votetaker will be invalid. Newsgroups line: sci.physics.atom-totality A special little corner of Arcie-Pu's universe Votes must be received by 23:59:59 UTC, 29 Feb 1999. This vote is being conducted by a neutral third party. Questions about the proposed group should be directed to the proponent. Proponent: Earl Gorden Curley (deceased) Proponent: Joan L. Brewer Votetaker: Edmond Wollman RATIONALE: sci.physics.atom-totality Archimedes Plutonium, who's brainpower is so far beyond that of commoners that make up the modern scientific community that future generations will surly erect a monument to his skills in the cafeteria kitchen at Dartmouth, has presented proof that his theory of Atom Totality can not coexist with actual science. Because of this, Archie-Pu finds that he needs a place where he is free to respond to his own posts at leisure and can moderate the discussion so no real science will be able to leak in. This group name, sci.physics.atom-totality will act as a signpost for people interested in the this particular crackpot theory. Previously, many people (ok, just one person) have used sci.physics and sci.chem but this situation is increasingly difficult since there is the persistent presence of the scientifically literate in those groups. In the unlikely event that someone besides the moderator asks a question about this theory a sci.physics.atom-totality FAQ may be developed. CHARTER: sci.physics.atom-totality The sci.physics.atom-totality newsgroup will be a closed discussion of all subjects specifically referring to the stupidity of Archimedes Plutonium . This newsgroup will be created for reasons including, but not restricted to, the following: * To encourage Archimedes Plutonium to stay in his own little world * To act as a resource for the people researching net.kooks and weird science in general. * To make sure that Atom-Totality and science never interact. * To make the world safe for short bald nutcases who take lousy photographs, sleep on plastic bedsheets, reply to their own posts, and spew long rambling posts about nothing of any value. The following exceptions should be noted: * Matters referring to real science are strictly prohibited. * Arguing the technical merits of Pu-boy's theories is strictly prohibited. Advertising: Advertising is forbidden, with these exceptions: Suppliers of goods and services necessary to care for or restrain the insane or just plain weird may post, not more than once every 2 months. Binaries and Formatting: The posting of encoded binaries (e.g. pictures, compressed files, etc.) to sci.physics.atom-totality is forbidden, except for pornographic pictures of barnyard animals which come from Archimedes Plutonium's private collection, and then only if they are accompanied by a explanation of why Atom-Totality encourages bestiality. Netiquette: Posts to the group by other than Archie-Pu are expected to be Personal abuse, flames, and obscenities. Points will be awarded for creativity. END CHARTER. DISTRIBUTION: IMPORTANT VOTING PROCEDURE NOTES: READ THIS BEFORE VOTING Only one vote is allowed per person or per account. Duplicate votes will be resolved in favor of the most recent valid vote. Addresses and votes of all voters will be listed in the final voting results post. Votes must be mailed directly from the voter to the votetaker. Anonymous, forwarded, or proxy votes are not valid. Votes mailed by WWW/HTML/CGI forms are considered to be anonymous votes. 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HOW TO VOTE: Extract the ballot from the CFV by deleting everything before the "BEGINNING OF BALLOT" and after the "END OF BALLOT" lines. Don't worry about the spacing of the columns or any quote characters (">") that your reply inserts. Please do not send the entire CFV back to me. Fill in the ballot as shown below. Please provide a valid name and indicate your desired vote in the appropriate locations inside the ballot. When finished, MAIL the ballot to: Just "replying" to this message should work, but check the "To:" line. Examples of how to properly indicate your vote (do not vote here): [ YES ] [ NO ] [ ABSTAIN ] [ CANCEL ] [ FRELB] DO NOT modify, alter or delete any information in this ballot! If you do, the voting software will probably reject your ballot. If these instructions are unclear, please ask the votetaker. ======== BEGINNING OF BALLOT: Delete everything before this line ======= .----------------------------------------------------------------------- | Do not edit anything in this ballot, except to add your name and vote. | | 1ST CALL FOR VOTES: sci.physics.atom-totality | Official Usenet Voting Ballot (Do not remove this line!) |----------------------------------------------------------------------- | Please provide a valid name, or your vote may be rejected. Place | ONLY your name (i.e., do not include your e-mail address or any other | information) after the colon on the line below. Voter name: | Insert YES, NO, ABSTAIN, CANCEL, or FRELB inside the brackets for each | newsgroup listed below (do not delete the newsgroup name): Your Vote Newsgroup --------- ----------------------------------------------------------- [ ] sci.physics.atom-totality ======== END OF BALLOT: Delete everything after this line ============== ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: CFV: sci.physics.atom-totality Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 08:16:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just wrote: > > I'm reposting Bynyip's article And apologizing for spelling his or her name wrong. Bunyip is no Charles Nelson Rielley and deserves to have a correctly-spelled name. -- K. Unless it turns out that Charles Neslon Raeioullleyy is posting to the Internet as "Bunyip", which I doubt because that article did not shout "WEE-WEE!" while doing a Jack Benny impression and wearing men's clothing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tech-support.recovery From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Theological voicemail droid message Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 08:23:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology, David Sewell (dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu) wrote: > > From the recording my mortgage company uses before putting you on > hold to await a customer service representative: > > "You will experience a time of silence, > but you will not be disconnected." > > I'm still trying to figure out whether this is an implicit promise > of personal immortality. It's not all that different from the one I use, "Please hold while we transfer your call. You will hear the Special Hot Line Connection Signal which sounds just like a *CLICK* followed by a dial tone, but is better. Please wait until we tell you it is okay to hang up." -- K. It replaces my old one, "*BEEP* Now turn your phone over, we can help you on Side Two." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tech-support.recovery From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Theological voicemail droid message Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 01:02:36 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Mike Sauve (msauve@altavista.nospam.net) wrote: > > I put the batteries in backwards in my answering machine, so I now have > to tell people to leave a message before the beep. Why not just omit the batteries, and have the recording say that people need to leave batteries before their message? -- K. Someday I'm going to use an entire episode of NBC's "seaQuest DSV" as my recording. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I passed a truck today... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 08:28:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Emery (cemery@columbus.rr.com) wrote: > > ...and it was a big shiny tanker truck. Emblazoned on the rear of it > was: "Bumgarner Enterprises" > > Immediately below: "NON-EDIBLE" > > EVERYBODY DON'T EAT BUMGARNER ENTERPRISES! Okay, all those of you who HAD believed Lee Bumgarner was edible, please raise your hands. -- K. I like it when they call things "eatable" because we're not smart enough to read longer words like "edible". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.silly-group.beable From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Book Review: Remembering the Hiragana Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 08:43:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor beable@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > Book Review: Remembering the Hiragana > by James W. Heisig > Japan Publications Trading Co. Ltd. 1987 > > "Remembering the Hiragana" is a book written to > help foreigners learn the Hiragana alphabet of > Japan. There are some disturbing aspects to > this book, as the following excerpt will show: > > Page 38: > "yo > > The first English word that comes to my mind (and I hope to > yours) when I hear the sound 'yo' is yolk. The pieces we have to > work with here are a puppy dog's tail and a very, very long > boomerang (the full vertical stroke is part of it). > To fit these two pieces together, imagine a boomerang with > one wing considerably longer than the other and a hole drilled > in the middle. You stick the puppy dog's tail through this hole > and tie a knot in it so that it doesn't slip out. You throw the > whole contraption into the sky, while a group of people standing > around throw egg-yolks at the hapless creature. > You can "read" the image like this to get the order of the > strokes correct: people tossing yolks at puppies flying overhead, > their tails knotted in long boomerangs." The best thing about it is that Spot lost his tail in an industrial accident (at the car detailing shop) and so he can only remember his Japanese alphabet if someone ties a knot in his BUTT. Also, he likes the way people save the egg whites to make his favorite dessert, Orange Julius That's Too Thick And Has To Be Eaten With A Fork, also known as "Large Curd Julius". And as far as the boomerang with one end longer than the other goes, I saw that episode of "Project: UFO", and I'll have you know that Jack Webb personally came over to my house to explain to me that UFOs aren't real because when he shines the flashlight on my wall I think I see a light moving around but light can't move, only flashlights can move, so I didn't see the space boomerang that went "WHIRR WHIRR WHIRR". Then Jack Webb drove home while never looking in the rear view mirror because of course the UFO was following him home like it always did in the last scene. The best thing about that show was that it had exactly the same plot with exactly the same twist ending every week -- the two Project Blue Book guys spend an hour interrogating someone until he decides he didn't see a UFO -- and then as they drive away the UFO flies past. What made some episodes better than others was the the UFO was a different cheap shape every week. Like, one week it was a ball, and the next week it was a box, then the next week it was an X, then the next week it was an ampersand. If that show hadn't been cancelled, by now they'd be up to really goofy shapes like Furby skeletons and Erin Moran's head, which ironically are more realistic than the disco balls they used to use. Disco balls come from the far side of the Moon, which looks like a gray beach ball with six big onion rings sitting on it. Also, they terrify Martin Landau by shining their flashlights on his forehead through the Moonbase window. This is because he knows that flashlight beams can't move and therefore his entire concept of reality is destroyed forever, and also, the Moonbase is all greasy and smells like onions. -- K. I also like how in the episode where the space aliens make it rain on the Moon they know that Moonbase Alpha will flood because it's at the bottom of the huge Copernicus crater, but in every other episode it's in the middle of this plain which stretches to the cyclorama on all sides. And then Jack Webb shot Martin Landau because he was thought Martin was stealing his acting style. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Something For Lee Bumgarner To Chew On. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 08:45:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lee, the world of popular culture requires your services once again. Know how a couple years ago, Campbell's soup was advertising that now they were putting MORE MEAT in it? Well, they've just started advertising that they have 20% MORE VEGETABLES! In other words, "LESS MEAT" is turned into a selling point for people with short memories. Lee, you could write a clever satire about this. -- K. Or you could say "PASS" and it would go to Don Saklad. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Berries Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 09:40:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Francesco Benvenuto (frances+usenet@fis.unico.it) wrote: > > There seem to be much more berries than nuts. But Archimedes Plutonium counts double. > baneberry The only berry to co-star in "Space: 1999berry"! > barberry To only berry whose coast William Shatner starred in! > bayberry ...which should be spelled phonetically so that the word can do double duty as in, "There are too many beautiful young ladies on my television! The TV networks must cease and desist all this gratuitous babery!" > bearberry Cows make pies, bears make berries. > berry Generiberry. > blackberry > blueberry > checkerberry Is it black with blue squares, or blue with black squares? > chokeberry The berry that's so poisonous that you can't swallow it because your throat closes up even before you eat it, which makes it impossible for this to happen! > chuckberry You misspelled "chuckleberry". And "chuckletrousers". (STOP SEARCH-ENGINE BOMBING SYNDICATED COLUMNIST DAVE BARRY!) > coralberry Mmm, berries with all the calcium on the outside. Crispy! Crunchy! It's gotta be good for your teeth because it's just like eating teeth! > cranberry HOW DO THEY CRAN ALL THAT GRAN? > crowberry Which can be used to pry open crates. > dogberry STOP SEARCH-ENGINE BOMBING SYNDICATED CARTOONIST AND MAD SCIENTIST SCOTT ADAMS! > gallberry The only berry that you don't need to eat because it grows inside your body for extra convenience. > gooseberry WHO ARE THE AD WIZARDS WHO CAME UP WITH THIS ONE? "People like geese, and they like berries, so let's mix up all the DNA in a big paper bag and see what grows!" > hackberry THAT'S NOT BERRYING, THAT'S TYPING! > huckleberry THAT'S NOT ANIMATION, THAT'S SLIDING A STILL PICTURE OFF THE SIDE OF THE SCREEN SHORTLY BEFORE THE ACTION WOULD HAPPEN IF IT COULD BE SHOWN! > mulberry So Dr. Seuss tells his psychiatrist what he saw on Mulberry Street, and then they start trying to prescribe antipsychotic medications for each other real fast before the other one can. > pigeonberry PEOPLE LIKE GEESE, AND PIGEONS ARE PRACTICALLY THE SAME! THESE NEW THINGS MADE FROM PIGEONS AND BERRIES WILL BE EASY TO GROW IN THE CITY! AND BEST OF ALL THEY'LL GROW INSTANTANEOUSLY BECAUSE THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS BABY PIGEONS! > raspberry The only berry that can cut through steel bars when hidden in a cake. > richardberry Inventor of Rock & Roll. > salmonberry PEOPLE LIKE FISH AND YADDA YADDA YADDA!!!! > serviceberry A very workmanlike berry for all your berry needs. > sourberry The type to eat while listening to citric acid rock. > squashberry KILL IT! KILL IT! > strawberry The only berry you can drink through. Also, you forgot all my favorites, such as loganberry (the berry that slowly revolves while shouting "THERRRRRE ISSSSS NOOOOO SAAAANCTUUUUAAAARRRRYYYY!") and lingonberry (which can be distinguished from the klingonberry by the absence of a forehead ridge.) -- K. I will not make a "dingleberry" joke, not even if it allows an easy segue into "What's brown and sounds like a bell?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 2.5 reply to Proving that all species, even humans, go extinct Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 23:25:04 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > > > [some stuff about his guess that all pulsars are double > > > stars which somehow proves them to be signs of alien life] > Jeff Spencer (jspencer@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > [stuff about how all evidence shows pulsars to be single stars] > > > > So in other words, the scientific community believes the exact opposite > > of what you believe. Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Well, DUH. But, Terri, that can't be true. Because there are other crackpots where the scientific community believes the opposite of what they believe, and this would mean that the other crackpots believe in exactly the same things as Archimedes Plutonium, and we know that no other human being could possibly consider himself to be the reincarnation of the racehorse Phar Lap. Also, it would mean that there were hundreds of Kings Of Science instead of just Archie. SO NOW WHO'S THE DUH? Well, it's still him. But not for the same reason as five minutes ago. (With Arch, he has a new reason to be a bozo every few moments. I sense he's about to post something about how superstring theory is disproven by his dinnertime experiments on microwaved spaghetti...) -- K. I vote for Terri to be Queen Of "Well, Duh!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How''s Bayou? (WAS Raisin Bran! Woo!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 06:58:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, so this discussion was about Raisin Bran, then I said that no Jewish people were ever on "Family Feud", and now the girls are fighting over Joe Bay's giant pants. I leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine how the girls got into Joe Bay's pants from the anti-Semitic cereal, and incidentally Count Chocula is the most anti-Semitic cereal. The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > > > > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > It's always been my understanding that Joe [Bay]'s pants glow with an > > > > eerie, twisting, unearthly light like no colour found on Earth. > > > > > > Terri, that's just the lava lamp we installed in the south side of Joe's > > > pants. Didn't you get the memo? > > > > what?! > > Where'd you put all the monkeys, then?? > > As you can see, the pants have ample room for both the monkeys and the > lava lamp: > > ________________________ > | | | <------ Penthouse suite. > | | | > | | | > | | <----------|--- Perth. > | \ | > | <--------|------- Holding cell / Monastery. > | /\ | > | | | | > | | | | > | <----|--|----------|--- Monkeys. > | | | | > | | | -----|----- Sauna. > | | | / | > | | | | > | | | <----|------ Lava lamp. > |_____\____| |__________| > \--------------------- Gilbert Gottfried. I like how you have to stick your hand all the way through his left knee to point at his monkeys. Also, his Y-front crotch is more of an A-front, unless he's standing on his head, in which case the REST of him is severely deformed. Also, there's nothing in his right hip but air! > > ANOTHER WONDERFUL PIECE OF ASCII PANTS OF JOE BAY ARE MADE > ART, COURTESY STACIA D'ARTESAN. OF A DURABLE DENIM-LIKE > ANY RESEMBLANCE TO A PICTURE OF THE MATERIAL SUITABLE FOR > WASHINGTON MONUMENT IN A BOX IS FRAMING. WHEN NOT TO USE > PURELY COINCIDENTAL. PANTS OF JOE BAY, PLEASE > TO KEEP IN POLYBAG. I see the Washington Momument, Denim, of course, was the name I see Joe Bay's pants, but what's of that planet on "Star Trek" that giant golf putter that's about where Frank Gorshin was to play a ball off the top of the using a special spaceship where Washington Monument, and why isn't the warp drive was blue and Gilbert Gottfried in with the the woof drive was white and other monkeys? he kept putting Kirk's pants in polybag while he was wearing 'em. -- K. -- K. Also, is this picture actual size? "Star Trek" sucked because the future space pants had bell bottoms, unlike "Space: 1999"! ^ | CUT HERE ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How''s Bayou? (WAS Raisin Bran! Woo!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 02:11:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > ANOTHER WONDERFUL PIECE OF ASCII > > ART, COURTESY STACIA D'ARTESAN. > > ANY RESEMBLANCE TO A PICTURE OF THE > > WASHINGTON MONUMENT IN A BOX IS > > PURELY COINCIDENTAL. > > That's not how the Washington Monument looks in a box. > > I know because the Washington Monument IS in a box, and I saw it. It > currently looks like a Girder and Panel Building Set Washington Monument. Eh, your 3D accelerator card's busted again. MAW, MATT DONE BUSTED UP HIS EYE-MAC AYUH-GAYAYUNNUH !!!!111 I think this meme may have been stretched to the breaking point. Before that commercial aired. I like how the new iMac commercial shows iMacs spinning around rapidly in three dimensions on a white limbo set, just like the new VW Beetle's ads which show it spinning around in three dimensions against white, with the only difference in the design of the two objects being that the iMac is available in colors with fruity names while the Beetle is available in colors with hippie names. So the iMac comes in "Strawberry" and the Beetle comes in "Strawberry Alarm Clock", and the iMac comes in "Tangerine" and the Beetle comes in "Tangerine Dream". Also, the iMac commercial uses the Rolling Stones singing "She Comes In Colors", and you know that the Rolling Stones would never license any of their songs for a computer product that sucked. > The Girder and Panel Building Set was a wonderful toy. It allowed you to > build a model of what the Empire State Building would look like if Mies > van der Rohe and Walter Gropius had collaborated on making it as boring as > possible, and blue. And if all the exterior walls were made of a substance not unlike dried wax paper that tore and/or shattered whenever you tried to pull one of the walls off the pegs that the walls are supposed to snap onto. Also, mine had the rust-orange-colored-rustproof-primer-colored panels, not the blue ones. I think I had some pale yellow ones, too. Of course, mine was older than yours. I didn't have the very oldest version, "The Panel Building Set" which contained some squares of plastic that didn't attach to anything. They should reissue those sets, only the panels should come in colors named after fruits and/or hippie stuff. > What I really needed was the Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons Building > Set, which would build a Washington Dulles International Airport that > could dock with a larger Washington Dulles International Airport to make a > giant flying Eero Saarinen that subsequently explodes in the Derek > Meddings Fireball of Death and sets fire to 10,000,000 tiny, exquisitely > detailed trees. Except the wouldn't be allowed to use the airport's real name because all names ae copyrighted by the people who make them up, or their parents, so they'd have to hire Dick DeBartolo to consult with them on a new name and he'd tell them to make it "The Dullest International Airport Ever" and Eero Saarinen would be "Eero Indianaa". But then he'd get cancelled by Fox and then revived about six years later but he would have grown up in the meantime so they'd just insert a cardboard cutout of him in The Grainy Still Picture Dimension talking to the new kids who do the actual architecture. Also, you forgot to mention that it would have Microgramma Bold Extended #2 capital letters all over it, the font that was personally designed by Gene Roddenberry just for "Star Trek". -- K. I miss Derek Meddings, I wanted to hire him to blow up the cake at my last wedding. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.leo-dicaprio From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How''s Bayou? (WAS Raisin Bran! Woo!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 02:44:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Richard S. Holmes (rsholmes@rodan.syr.edu) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) writes: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > > > Okay, so this discussion was about Raisin Bran, then I said that no > > > Jewish people were ever on "Family Feud", and now the girls are fighting > > > over Joe Bay's giant pants. I leave it as an exercise for the reader > > > to determine how the girls got into Joe Bay's pants from the anti-Semitic > > > cereal, and incidentally Count Chocula is the most anti-Semitic cereal. > > Easy: Bran -> brain -> train -> trail -> rail -> hail -> heil bran -> bray -> brew -> brews -> bruise -> Jews Ha! I can go from cereal to Anti-Semitism faster than you! A valuable skill! I could have made it shorter by going right from "brew" to "Jew" but then it wouldn't have said "BREWS BRUISE JEWS!!!" at the end, which of course is the secret sentence that Newsday revealed Chuck Bigelow hid in Microsoft Wingdings. It is displayed whenever you type "666", which in the Wingdings font looks like a can of beer, a purple blotch, and a star within one point of being a Star Of David. This was the biggest scandal in typography since it was discovered that Hitler copied the Schutzstaffel logo from the right-hand side of the cover of a KISS album! > That's the anti-Semitism part, and then > > heil -> hell -> hall -> halt -> hart -> part -> parts -> pants. heil -> hail -> pail -> paint -> pant -> pants. > THAT WAS EASY! That's why you lost. YOU MADE THE MISTAKE OF DOING IT THE EASY WAY!!! Never, ever do anything the easy way. Rich, I'll make an exception for you, you can reply to this via fax. > > Count Vladimir Elyusius von Chocula is not himself anti-Semitic; he > > merely craves chocalatey marshmallowey goodness, and the blood of > > the living. > > IT'S HEMO-LICIOUS! Except the blood would be all dried up and crunchy, I mean, have you ever tried to bite any of those "marshmallows"? I FIRST REALIZED ANDY ROONEY MIGHT BE A TWIT WHEN HE HELD UP A BOX OF MARSHMALLOW RICE KRISPIES AND WHINED, "HOW CAN IT BE CRISPY IF IT HAS MARSHMALLOWS IN IT?" LIKE, DON'T BE A WIMP, OPEN THE BOX, YOU BIG BOZO! > > Also, the aphrodisiac qualities of oversweetened cereals > > are well known. > > In other news, Tony the Tiger was hospitalized [...] I would just like to point out that the part I snipped out above said nothing about crispy dried spaghetti. -- K. Also, this article does not mention that other thread of discussion which DOES mention spaghetti perversions. THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT CONTAIN THE PHRASE "MONICA PERFORMED SPAGHETTIO ON THE PRESIDENT." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How''s Bayou? (WAS Raisin Bran! Woo!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 11:08:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) writes: > > > > [re Joe Bay's glowing pants] > > > > Terri, that's just the lava lamp we installed in the south side of Joe's > > pants. Didn't you get the memo? > > Damn it, the lava lamp's supposed to go in the FRONT, with the potato, > the armadillo, and the cucumber wrapped in foil. Don't forget the piece of uncooked spaghetti. And a lock of Phar Lap's mane. > Sheesh. No wonder everyone was laughing at me. Is that a piece of uncooked spaghetti in your pants, or are you just Archimedes Plutonium? -- K. I NAILED TOGETHER TWO TOPICS! I WIN! Wait, this'll make it hard to sort the articles into the right order for the 1999 alt.religion.kibology anthologies. Can we agree I didn't say this? Including this part? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How''s Bayou? (WAS Raisin Bran! Woo!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 01:59:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, first we were talking about Raisin Bran, then about anti-Semitism on game shows, then about Joe Bay having a lava lamp in his pants, and now the topic of this topic seems to be men who accidentally sit on uncooked spaghetti and then have to go to their doctor every time they do it twice a day, courtesy some cross-pollination via alt.folklore.urban. Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Is that a piece of uncooked spaghetti in your pants, or are you just > > Archimedes Plutonium? > > And I quote: > > Am J Forensic Med Pathol 1986 Sep;7(3):254-5 > > Masturbation injury resulting from > intraurethral introduction of spaghetti. Could be worse. Could be interurethral. That would mean that either you have two of 'em or else you're indulging in the most perverted practice ever invented, "Spaghetti swapping". > Bacci M, Porena M Please say that was supposed to be spelled "Purina". Please please please. By the way, does it bother anyone else that in Purina Cat Chow commercials they flash their Web site's address (in case your cat uses the Web) on the screen as +--+--+--+ |##| |##| +--+--+--+ | |##| |.COM +--+--+--+ |##| |##| +--+--+--+ ? Also I apologize for filling my Cartesian tic-tac-toe quadrature with little tic-tac-toes. THIS WEB SITE HAS A FRACTAL ADDRESS!!!! > A singular case of masturbation by endourethral introduction as opposed to side-o-urethral, which would REALLY hurt. > of a piece of spaghetti is reported. Especially at parties. And on alt.religion.kibology. And CNN Headline News. > We became aware of the case because fragmentation of the spaghetti made one of us late to work > caused a cicatricial stenosis of the urethra Could be worse. Could have been "cocatricial". That's when your winky turns to stone. (Nick Bensema and/or Louis Nick will now make a joke about their dog trying to eat a dead lowercase "c" in Nethack.) And at least it was stenosis, not ibmselectricosis (no jokes about angry golf balls, please!) or sternosis, the only thing that can keep The Andromeda Stain off your pants. (Matt McIrvin will now explain what this has to do with the guy who had the little cameo in Tom Arnold's "The Stupids".) > that required surgical treatment. OH NO! HE HAS A SPAGHETTI PUNCTURE IN HIS YOU-KNOW! WE BETTER CUT IT OPEN!!! > (end quoted material -- FOREVER!) > > UNSUBSCIRBE You misspelled "circumscribe" when you were trying to misspell "circumcise". THUS ENDETH TODAY'S LESSON IN WHY LATIN WORDS ARE FUNNIER THAN GREEK WORDS. -- K. I hear that in Greek, "Kukla, Fran, & Ollie" means "cross-burners". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: DOLL REVIEW: Chasey Lain Inflatable Fntasy Playmate Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 10:20:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [warning: only read this article if you don't mind thinking about having carnal relations with someone who has "new car smell".] In some "erotic" newsgroups, Artist1311 (artist1311@aol.com) wrote: > > DOLL REVIEW: > > CHASEY LAIN INFLATABLE FANTASY PLAYMATE "Cheezy Layin'"? > Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate > Signature Collectors Edition This makes me worry that somewhere there is a collector of blow-up dolls pasting them into a gigantic album, which he has to close very slowly as the air pffffts out. > This doll has a molded neck that can safely be choked without risking > anyone's life. Unlike my blow-up doll! That's why mine's better. It's got poisoned spikes all around the neck. > A lot of you have written in and asked about the Chasey Lain Inflatable > Fantasy Playmate. After six months of saving up, I finally got it. A great > doll, although the one I purchased had severe quality control defects that > made it unusable. I suppose that this means either it had a hole, or it had NO holes. > Without the defects, this would have been the best doll I ever > purchased. > > Which brings us face to face with the quality control issue. None of the > manufacturers or retailers of inflatable dolls will stand behind their > products Hey, if I were in a sex-toy shop in Boston's Combat Zone, where gunfire is likely to break out at any moment, I wouldn't stand behind a puffy sex doll either, unless she was filled with sand and dressed in Kevlar hot pants. > and all of them have quality control problems because there is no financial > incentive for them to care. This makes every inflatable doll purchase a > gamble. "I'm not addicted to sex with blowup dolls, I'm addicted to GAMBLING!" > Because of the inherent gamble involved, I generally only buy cheap dolls. I would just like to say that if I had a blow-up sex doll I would also want the cheapest kind, unless it was used. > They don't have as many features and don't last as long, MAW! PAW DONE BLOWN UP THUR AY-OH-AYEL AGAYUN!!!! I'm sorry, the segue fell out between those two lines. > but the risk is much less. > Even taking dud dolls into account, Sex dolls are the only industry where the ones that go *BLAM* are the duds! > it is more cost effective over the long run > to buy several cheap dolls rather than one expensive doll. Or you could rent them by the hour. > The overall body shape of the Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate is a > doggie ...I AM INSERTING A LINE BREAK HERE FOR NO REASON... > style position, although her arms and legs are quite flexible and she > can easily be put into a nice seated or kneeling position. [...] > And the shape of the body and body parts is better than most dolls, > although the ass is a little weird. A blessing in disguise -- I'm sure there's someone out there with a fetish for Weird Asses. > The plastic is darker than most dolls, to > create the impression of a full body tan. It's just like she's a real woman who got a healthy tan before being dipped in vinyl. > The head of the Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate is a fully molded > mannequin head, with mouth, tongue, eyes, nose, ear, AAAIIIEEE!!! IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE ONE-EARED INFLATABLE WOMAN!!!! > and full head of long red hair. The material for the face is soft and > pliable. The glass eyes are a pale blue and the eyelids have long black > eyelashes. The eyes do not close. The Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy > Playmate's hair is long, red, and straight. The face is molded from > Chasey herself. Yeah, but from what part of her body? > I prefer cartoon faces on my dolls (it makes the fantasy experience more fun), But it's so hard to find a Miss Othmar doll. Especially one with the noisemaker that goes "wa-wa, wa-wa-wa". > but as far as realistic faces go, this is the best. > > Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate's mouth is the most kissable and > best feeling mouth of any doll. The lips and tongue are a strange color (same > as the rest of the flesh). The tongue is really nice (flexible and soft), > perfect for French kissing. The tongue is supposed to be battery powered to go > in circles for better French kissing, but on the doll I purchased this > vibrator never worked. When I try French-kissing my wife, she tells me I'm not doing it right either. > Because of the position of the tongue, there is no room for oral sex. That's why Jell-O is better than sex! > [...] There is a sharp plastic lip where the tits are mounted on the > doll chest, Oh, these dolls, they got lips all over these days. > [...gynecological details of intimate diameters elided... you really > don't want to know...] > > Overall, the Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate is an excellent doll, > although the lack of ability to use any of her three holes is a serious > setback. You fool, you spent your money on a BOWLING BALL WITH A WIG! (Cue segue to "The Six Dollar Man" segment on "Sesame Street") > The Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate also has plastic molded hands > and feet. The fingernails and toenails are painted pink. The hands and feet > are realistically shaped and are soft, pliable plastic. The fingers are > separated (allowing for sucking of each individual finger), but the toes > are all a single piece (preventing sucking of individual toes). Oh no! All ten toes are a single piece! This makes her more bow-legged than Kermit! > [...] > > THE FOLLOWING IS THE TEXT ON THE BOX: > > Chasey Lain "Sexteen" Sensuous Features > > 1. Original molding of Chasey's face I'm thinking that the magical (yet stupid) technology used in the movie "Face/Off" will soon be used to make blow-up dolls with faces that are even more special. And they'll come with free ketchup! > 2. Crystal Eyes "Ernie, I sublim 8 the sandbox." "Well, Bert, that's 'cause you've got crystal eyes." (This is followed by that "where the suns raise meat" pun and then there's a song about the Planck Constant.) > 3. Long silky hair Someday I need to go bald so that I can buy an all-silk toupee just so I can go around with the only TRULY silky hair in the world. > 5. French Kiss rotating tongue I have this vision of it spinning around and around like a screwdriver. Or maybe making ratchet-wrench noises. Hey, if you put two of these dolls together, you could have exciting MOTORIZED TONGUE WRESTLING! > 12. Molded Butt, vibrating MAW! THUR VI-BRAYTIN' BUTT'S DONE GONE BUH-ZERK AGAYUN! (Poor Spot! The vibrating butt chased him around the room!) > 14. Lifelike Feel-of-Real Soft-Squeeze Nipples A key part of Richard Simmons's "Feel-of-Real" diet and pornography plan. > 15. Chasey lube Someday there's going to be a mix-up at the factory that makes the K-Y Jelly and the Krazy Glue 'cause they both start with "K" and then next month you'll be in the most-photocopied issue of all medical journals. > 16. Pin-up Poster (Originally signed by Chasey) By the time you get it the signature will have changed to someone else's. > Battery Operated. Uses 4 "AA" Batteries (not included). I hate to think where you insert them. > [...] > > All materials Copyright 1997 Topco Sales, San Fernando, California, Hey! Star Market's "Top Care" brand shampoo is also made by Topco! EWWWWWW!!! Remind me not to wash my hair ever again. (I better get started on ordering that silk toupee.) > [...] > > SOLD AS A NOVELTY ONLY They should just put on a big sticker which says "LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH". Or else make you get a prescription. > [...much more stuff elided...] I would have to say that this was the most informative long-format review of an inflatable doll I have ever read. God bless the Internet! -- K. I remember how, twenty years ago, if you wanted to know about inflatable dolls you had to ask your French teacher! I mean parents. Am I in danger of becoming Benny Hill? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: DOLL REVIEW: Chasey Lain Inflatable Fntasy Playmate Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 09:47:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ben Flieger (aep@primenet.com) wrote: > > Artist1311 (artist1311@aol.com) wrote: > > > > After six months of saving up, I finally got it. A great doll, > > although the one I purchased had severe quality control defects > > that made it unusable. > > > > Without the defects, this would have been the best doll I ever purchased. > > > > Overall, the Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate is an excellent > > doll, although the lack of ability to use any of her three holes is a > > serious setback. > > > So lemme get this straight: It's an inflatable sex doll which you > can't have sex with and has severe quality control defects, yet is > still an "excellent" and "great" doll? Yes, if your idea of sex is playing house in a giant Barbie house with giant Barbie clothes. It's so hard finding those pink pearlescent stretch pants stitched with two-inch-thick thread. > No wonder there is no financial reason to make sex dolls without major > flaws, people will buy everything both naked and vinyl. Hey! I buy some things when I am not naked! You can't get White Castles over the Internet yet! Also, I am still awaiting the invention of a vinyl blow-up woman with grooves all over her body that can be played on any record player. (FOR THOSE OF YOU BORN AFTER 1980, ASK GRANDPA WHAT A "33-1/3 L.P." WAS.) > Capitalism works, you wackos. IF CAPITALISM STOPS WORKING WE WILL BE SANE!!! > Thought: What's the connection with the house siding? Could there be > house porn in the future? Hmm, a house with inflatable vinyl siding would have one problem: It would be very hard to get your key into the vibrating keyhole. > If someone got their tongue stuck in the rotating blender tongue > mouth, would it be funnier if: > a) they spun around while the doll didn't > b) the doll spun around while they didn't > f) Bob Hope spun around but the house didn't I note that the new TV Guide lists the 50 Allegedly Greatest Funny-Funnies Ha-Ha-Ha Ever On Tee Vee. #47 is "The Bob Hope Show" when Bob Hope did "This Is Your Life" with an all-dog cast, and a dog came out walking a smaller dog on a leash. I don't know who compiled this bozo list, but I can think of more than thirty-six things funnier than watching Bob Hope watch a dog walk another dog. Like, the time he got dropped on his head in Iceland on live TV during a Christmas special. Or a lava lamp. In fact, most lava lamps are funnier than Bob Hope. -- K. Especially if he's inside one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do You Swirl It In Your Spoon Too? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 10:40:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.folklore.urban, Daniele Procida (procida@cf.ac.uk) wrote: > > Subject: Re: Do You Swirl It In Your Spoon Too? > > [...] > > I simply can't find it anywhere in me to imagine that someone might want > to stick sharp pasta spikes down into his penis. IS IT JUST ME OR DOES IT SMELL LIKE ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM IN HERE? > Is this a failure of my imagination or of the critical faculties of others? Worse, repeated exposure to people with no critical faculties (such as Mr. Plutonium) can cause your imagination to break. I know this 'cause my doctor says I have imaginary impairment. -- K. On the other hand, people with no criticial faculties, such as Archie, have good imaginations: imaginary friends, imaginary fistfights, imaginary lawsuits, imaginary stock portfolios, imaginary fashion sense... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Reclassifying Pluto Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 10:49:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.physics, Paul J Karol (pk03+@andrew.cmu.edu) wrote: > > Pluto's days as one of our solar system's nine major planets may be > numbered. Two groups in the International Astronomical Union are > thinking about reclassifying the tiny planet, either > calling it a ``minor planet'' or lumping it in with an entirely new > class of objects according to news reports yesterday. I noticed CNN Headline News (et al) picked up on this yesterday. They've only been discussing it in sci.astro for, oh, a month or two. IF ONLY THOSE EVIL SCIENTISTS HAD HURRIED A LITTLE MORE THEY COULD HAVE ALREADY RECLASSIFIED THE PLANET AND NOBODY WOULD HAVE NOTICED! Except the people who live there, of course. It would probably mean the bus would stop there less often. > I have a more provocative suggestion. Reclassify Pluto as a Great Lake. Better yet: Vegetable! -- K. That way the planet would be required to have a big nutrition sticker on it, and we'd finally find out how many calories it contains. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Reclassifying Pluto Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 07:29:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > I'm reclassifying Pluto RIGHT NOW, and even I have no idea > what I mean. That's okay, Kibo understands what you mean, even if you don't. Kibo understands everything, even things that make no sense. (This is why only Kibo bothers reading Archimedes Plutonium's rants.) Evan (anvil@inbeta.com) wrote: > > I'm reclassifying Pluto AND cleaning my oven! > > If you're under 25, you have no idea what I'm talking about and that makes > me old. Hell, you probably don't know who the Cocteau Twins are. > > Why in my day... Yes, but are you reclassifying Pluto (poor Pluto!) and cleaning your oven while wearing a Maidenform bra while biting into a York Peppermint Patty, and you can't believe you ate the whole thing, which tasted good, like a cigarette should, and you tell two friends, and then they tell two friends? I am, except for the bra part. Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > I think it means that sometimes they're going to call it "Prutus" > and sometimes "Pluto", and that sometimes there will be a friendly > rivalry between it an Popeye, and other times bitter, deadly hatred. > > Also, "Prutus" sounds really sissy. I think that instead of that, we should just reclassify Bozo. I mean, sure, he *is* The World's Most Famous Clown, as he tells us whenever he rides his giant tricycle past the bored kids in the tiny TV studio in the 1950s, but being The World's Most Famous Clown hardly makes him a major planet, just a big bozo. I think Ted Turner should take over Popeye and do to it what he did to Tom & Jerry: Popeye and Bluto would not only be little kids, but they would be BEST FRIENDS 4-EVA, and they would TALK, and they would SING, and they would DANCE, and they would be sidekicks to this little orphan girl who would be the actual star of the movie, and everything would be in different shades of lavender. And then they'd cut it up and use it as filler on a faux interview show titled "Popeye Coast To Coast" and they'd have to bribe Elzie Segar under the table to keep him from going to their studios and beating them all up in alphabetical order after they cut up all his original drawings and made wacky stuff happen to them. I think it would be SO COOL if Alex Toth and Elzie Segar had a fistfight, because Segar would have these giant arms with skeletal anchors tattooed on them, and would keep stuffing spinach into his mouth, while Toth would be wearing this complex suit of space armor with a helmet inside the other helmet, and it would be bright orange with green horns and enormous boots which taper the opposite of bell bottoms and have square toes. Segar's weakness is that one hand would be occupied refilling his pipe and his other hand would be full of spinach, which is good because Toth's weakness would be that Segar would keep trying to grab his kilt under the table whenever he had a free hand. (It's the national sport of Scotland, "kilting". That and caber-tossing. And eating haggis. And not liking Roger Moore.) I think that it's weird that all these paragraphs start with "I think" when really I didn't have to think very hard to say this stupid stuff. -- K. (Suddenly a tiny atomic bomb goes off inside Kibo's head, and steam comes out of his ears, and the stream goes TOOT! TOOT!) I AM THAT I AM, MENE MENE TEKEL UPHARSIN! Short shameful confession: I had to use the Web to look up how to correctly spell "Mene mene tekel upharsin"... and figure out what it meant before I said it a tenth time. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I've been away Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 10:57:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Riboflavin" (ribo@mindspring.com) wrote: > > So, I've been away from this newsgroup for a couple of weeks, and I've had > to mark everything but the last two days read. Did I miss anything? www.kibo.com/rawdata you're welcome. -- K. DADDY, WHO WAS RIBOFLAVIN? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: In The News Today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 01:41:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Tonight's episode of "Fox Files" (Fox's attempt at a "60 Minutes", only sleazier) is playing on the traditional "fears of square oldsters" format: The two stories are (1) if you're kid's in college, HE'S PROBABLY IN SOME WACKO CULT!!! and (2) if you leave the house, YOU'LL GET BEATEN UP BY GANGS OF GAY TEENS!!! So, you see why I prefer hard news. Unfortunately, the only place to get actual news during most hours of the day is CNN Headline News, which has 15 minutes of pretty darn soft news repeated 48 times a day, with no topic given more than two minutes except for discussion of proposed changes to Delta's rules about how large carry-on bags can be. What I find most interesting about the modern TV infotainment paradigm is that they try to make you think you're looking at a Web browser displaying frames. In other words, the actual TV show fills about half the screen and all around it are little boxes with filler blinking on and off, and you're not supposed to look at the various kinds of blinking filler, you're just supposed to get really excited that they cared enough to make stuff blink in your peripheral vision. It's also vitally important that every segment of the screen be a different size, color, and typeface. Bloomberg Informational TV (a sadly mis-named program), which is the modern equivalent of the 4 A.M. morning farm report -- in fact, it IS the 4 A.M. morning farm report -- pioneered this technique. The screen has the newscaster (or commercial) the top-right quadrant of the screen, and the other parts show (1) brain-teasers, (2) horoscopes, (3) headlines, (4) This Day In History, (5) stock indexes, (6) stock prices, (7) weather, (8) an "Under Construction" logo. Okay, I made the last one up. Another example of this is "WinTV" on The Game Show Network. If you don't get Game Show Network, it is 24 hours a day (not counting the 8 hours of infomercials) of RERUNS of game shows from the seventies. Now you, too, can experience the thrill of watching "Match Game '72" twenty-five years late! Not only do they show "The Price Is Right" with Bob Barker, they also show the older ones with other hosts, and... in case you can't get enough... they also show the Bob Barker episodes as "WinTV", in which "The Price Is Right" is in a little round-cornered box at top right, and there are trivia questions and factoids at the top left, the Game Show Network schedule at bottom right, and the address to enter their contest at the bottom left. It's like MTV's "Pop-Up Video", only instead of inserting cute little factoids into a full-screen music video from five years ago, they're inserting a twenty-year-old game show into a full-screen fillerfest. Anyway, CNN Headline News used to have a cryptic-looking stock ticker scrolling across the bottom during business hours, showing individual transactions -- you know, the real thing that only the serious investors can decrypt -- only, of course, delayed 15 minutes just to ensure it's useless to actual investors. And there were two of them scrolling at slightly different speeds (in different colors). Now, they've gone to the "fake Web browser" interface, where at the bottom right is the current time (in a box) which cycles through all the various time zones where you might be watching CNN Headline News, and to the left are either stock prices, sports scores, or random one-sentence news items (it oscillates through those three at random during every half hour, it takes about an hour to cycle through all the stocks or sports or headlines.) Ads for other CNN channels and their Web site show up as well. It looks like this: +---------------------------------------------------+ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | +============| | |CNN Headline| | |------------| |--------------------------------------| 3:58 P.M. | | NCAA Tulane 114 | Mountain | | Basketball Wake Forest 96 | Time | |======================================+ CNN.COM | +---------------------------------------------------+ I admire their brazenness in adding the extra racing stripe just to make it clear that they know we know that they're wasting space at the bottom of the screen. It gives their information the same shape as that "S" people always make out of toothpaste in commercials. _ __ / \ / \ | / | <-- made with a Dairy Queen soft-serve "frogurt" dispenser \__/ \_/ ||||||||| |||||||||_________________________________________ (_________)________________________________________) Anyway, during the five or so minutes of every half hour when they're flashing random headlines in that strip -- in small blurry yellow Helvetica letters -- for about two seconds per headline, including the time they spend lap-dissolving into each other while both are unreadable -- the headlines I've seen tend to be things which are too pathetic even for CNN Headline News to cover (and remember, they do at least one story a week on local Polar Bear clubs jumping into frozen ponds.) But they're deliberately hard to read because they know how wimpy these news items are, and they come and go at random so it's kind of hard to keep your eyes on them (they might show two, then show ten minutes of stock prices or PGA scores, then show two more, then they show the first headline again), so for you people I did the experiment: I videotaped an hour's worth (that was how long it took to cycle through all of them, although the some came up several times) and went through in slow-motion so I could write them all down. Well, here goes! =============================================================================== TODAY'S HEADLINES FROM THE VERY BOTTOM OF MY TV SCREEN DURING CNN HEADLINE NEWS =============================================================================== INDIANA: Dan Quayle expected to announce presidential bid on tonight's 'Larry King Live' Gee, I wonder what the repercussions of that will be... INDIANA: Former VP Dan Quayle's uncle, publisher Eugene S. Pulliam, dies at age 84 While watching "Larry King Live". ILLINOIS: Quincy business modifies golf cart to carry the Pope during his visit in St. Louis Everything about the Papacy is so regal! A custom golf cart! I wonder what the Pope's handicap is. I MEAN IN GOLFING, YOU YUTZES. OHIO: Inmate sues after guards at Lorain Co. jail screen mail, tear up nude pix of girlfriend I'd have to see the pix before I decide whether this was a good idea. NEW YORK: 2 fortune tellers arrested in NYC in crackdown dubbed 'Operation Crystal Ball' And to find them, the police hired a psychic. TENNESSEE: Candy trucks [sic] spills 70,000 lbs. of 'Blow Pops'; gums up Nashville commute Could be worse. Could have been Mentos. Then the whole city would be full of perky, allegedly cool Nordic teenagers walking into movie theaters backwards, pretending to be mannequins, and painting pinstripes on their business suits by rolling on freshly-painted park benches. MICHIGAN: Prescott man trapped under 65-ft. tall pile of road salt; rescued after an hour Could be worse. Could have been Pica Limon. CALIFORNIA: Worker buried alive in a trench near LA rescued after 8 hrs.: says 'I feel fine' Could be worse. Could have been Pica Limon. TEXAS: Concrete plant worker recovering at Dallas hospital after falling into 24-foot hole Could be worse. Could have been full of Pica Limon. WASHINGTON: Officials say a 2 lb. section of Kingdome ceiling fell on unoccupied area Could be worse. Could have fallen on a guy eating Pica Limon. ILLINOIS: Family of man killed by chunk of ice falling from Chicago building settles for $4.5M Could be worse. CNN Headline news could be fixated on a particular kind of really minor news event and ignoring things like those five wars that are going on right now. TENNESSEE: Vanderbilt U. given $6 million in funding to start Institute for Coffee Studies The first study will determine the effects of 70,000 pounds of coffee on Nashville highways. SOUTH DAKOTA: Disposable diapers start trash fire at Aberdeen apt.; generated own heat Oh, great. I can imagine the warning label this will warrant. +-----------------------------------------+ |/////////////////////////////////////////| |////////////// D A N G E R //////////////| |/////////////////////////////////////////| | | | POO MAY SPONTANEOUSLY EXPLODE. | | | +-----------------------------------------+ The only question -- will it be printed on the diapers or the baby's butt? That was about half of them. Ones I didn't mock included: 3 drug busts. 6 murders or executions. 1 fatal plane crash. 1 plane crash with no injuries. 1 case of two planes not crashing ("within 100 feet of each other"). 1 new postage stamp. 1 false imprisonment. a fence in a segregated cemetery was torn down, only about 35 years late. Kirk Douglas donated $738,000 to schools. 600 people celebrated the 50th anniversary of Truman's inauguration. world's 3rd largest diamond will be on display in the future. a high school student is no longer suspended for wearing a "Korn" t-shirt. a woman is charged with riding her wheelchair in the middle of a street. 0 events outside the United States. and a Denny's outlet was charged with "slipping pork into Muslim meals". (But if they do that, they won't have enough to put into the kosher meals!) -- K. To say nothing of the vegetarian meals for those preverted Commies with the long hair and bell bottoms. P.S. I apologize for saying "infotainment", "infomercial", "factoid", and "frogurt" in the same article, but I'm just trying to be as "hip" as TV news. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: In The News Today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 07:46:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > and a Denny's outlet was charged with "slipping pork into Muslim meals". > > (But if they do that, they won't have enough to put into the kosher meals!) > > Yeah, AS IF anything at Denny's would ever be considered kosher, halal, or > paraburnachadranda. It's all soaked in cheap bacon grease that other and > therefore better restaurants would sell to soap makers. I'm sure Denny's doesn't use real bacon grease.