Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How''s Bayou? (WAS Raisin Bran! Woo!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 06:58:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, so this discussion was about Raisin Bran, then I said that no Jewish people were ever on "Family Feud", and now the girls are fighting over Joe Bay's giant pants. I leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine how the girls got into Joe Bay's pants from the anti-Semitic cereal, and incidentally Count Chocula is the most anti-Semitic cereal. The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > > > > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > It's always been my understanding that Joe [Bay]'s pants glow with an > > > > eerie, twisting, unearthly light like no colour found on Earth. > > > > > > Terri, that's just the lava lamp we installed in the south side of Joe's > > > pants. Didn't you get the memo? > > > > what?! > > Where'd you put all the monkeys, then?? > > As you can see, the pants have ample room for both the monkeys and the > lava lamp: > > ________________________ > | | | <------ Penthouse suite. > | | | > | | | > | | <----------|--- Perth. > | \ | > | <--------|------- Holding cell / Monastery. > | /\ | > | | | | > | | | | > | <----|--|----------|--- Monkeys. > | | | | > | | | -----|----- Sauna. > | | | / | > | | | | > | | | <----|------ Lava lamp. > |_____\____| |__________| > \--------------------- Gilbert Gottfried. I like how you have to stick your hand all the way through his left knee to point at his monkeys. Also, his Y-front crotch is more of an A-front, unless he's standing on his head, in which case the REST of him is severely deformed. Also, there's nothing in his right hip but air! > > ANOTHER WONDERFUL PIECE OF ASCII PANTS OF JOE BAY ARE MADE > ART, COURTESY STACIA D'ARTESAN. OF A DURABLE DENIM-LIKE > ANY RESEMBLANCE TO A PICTURE OF THE MATERIAL SUITABLE FOR > WASHINGTON MONUMENT IN A BOX IS FRAMING. WHEN NOT TO USE > PURELY COINCIDENTAL. PANTS OF JOE BAY, PLEASE > TO KEEP IN POLYBAG. I see the Washington Momument, Denim, of course, was the name I see Joe Bay's pants, but what's of that planet on "Star Trek" that giant golf putter that's about where Frank Gorshin was to play a ball off the top of the using a special spaceship where Washington Monument, and why isn't the warp drive was blue and Gilbert Gottfried in with the the woof drive was white and other monkeys? he kept putting Kirk's pants in polybag while he was wearing 'em. -- K. -- K. Also, is this picture actual size? "Star Trek" sucked because the future space pants had bell bottoms, unlike "Space: 1999"! ^ | CUT HERE ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How''s Bayou? (WAS Raisin Bran! Woo!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 02:11:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > ANOTHER WONDERFUL PIECE OF ASCII > > ART, COURTESY STACIA D'ARTESAN. > > ANY RESEMBLANCE TO A PICTURE OF THE > > WASHINGTON MONUMENT IN A BOX IS > > PURELY COINCIDENTAL. > > That's not how the Washington Monument looks in a box. > > I know because the Washington Monument IS in a box, and I saw it. It > currently looks like a Girder and Panel Building Set Washington Monument. Eh, your 3D accelerator card's busted again. MAW, MATT DONE BUSTED UP HIS EYE-MAC AYUH-GAYAYUNNUH !!!!111 I think this meme may have been stretched to the breaking point. Before that commercial aired. I like how the new iMac commercial shows iMacs spinning around rapidly in three dimensions on a white limbo set, just like the new VW Beetle's ads which show it spinning around in three dimensions against white, with the only difference in the design of the two objects being that the iMac is available in colors with fruity names while the Beetle is available in colors with hippie names. So the iMac comes in "Strawberry" and the Beetle comes in "Strawberry Alarm Clock", and the iMac comes in "Tangerine" and the Beetle comes in "Tangerine Dream". Also, the iMac commercial uses the Rolling Stones singing "She Comes In Colors", and you know that the Rolling Stones would never license any of their songs for a computer product that sucked. > The Girder and Panel Building Set was a wonderful toy. It allowed you to > build a model of what the Empire State Building would look like if Mies > van der Rohe and Walter Gropius had collaborated on making it as boring as > possible, and blue. And if all the exterior walls were made of a substance not unlike dried wax paper that tore and/or shattered whenever you tried to pull one of the walls off the pegs that the walls are supposed to snap onto. Also, mine had the rust-orange-colored-rustproof-primer-colored panels, not the blue ones. I think I had some pale yellow ones, too. Of course, mine was older than yours. I didn't have the very oldest version, "The Panel Building Set" which contained some squares of plastic that didn't attach to anything. They should reissue those sets, only the panels should come in colors named after fruits and/or hippie stuff. > What I really needed was the Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons Building > Set, which would build a Washington Dulles International Airport that > could dock with a larger Washington Dulles International Airport to make a > giant flying Eero Saarinen that subsequently explodes in the Derek > Meddings Fireball of Death and sets fire to 10,000,000 tiny, exquisitely > detailed trees. Except the wouldn't be allowed to use the airport's real name because all names ae copyrighted by the people who make them up, or their parents, so they'd have to hire Dick DeBartolo to consult with them on a new name and he'd tell them to make it "The Dullest International Airport Ever" and Eero Saarinen would be "Eero Indianaa". But then he'd get cancelled by Fox and then revived about six years later but he would have grown up in the meantime so they'd just insert a cardboard cutout of him in The Grainy Still Picture Dimension talking to the new kids who do the actual architecture. Also, you forgot to mention that it would have Microgramma Bold Extended #2 capital letters all over it, the font that was personally designed by Gene Roddenberry just for "Star Trek". -- K. I miss Derek Meddings, I wanted to hire him to blow up the cake at my last wedding. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How''s Bayou? (WAS Raisin Bran! Woo!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 11:08:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) writes: > > > > [re Joe Bay's glowing pants] > > > > Terri, that's just the lava lamp we installed in the south side of Joe's > > pants. Didn't you get the memo? > > Damn it, the lava lamp's supposed to go in the FRONT, with the potato, > the armadillo, and the cucumber wrapped in foil. Don't forget the piece of uncooked spaghetti. And a lock of Phar Lap's mane. > Sheesh. No wonder everyone was laughing at me. Is that a piece of uncooked spaghetti in your pants, or are you just Archimedes Plutonium? -- K. I NAILED TOGETHER TWO TOPICS! I WIN! Wait, this'll make it hard to sort the articles into the right order for the 1999 alt.religion.kibology anthologies. Can we agree I didn't say this? Including this part? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: How''s Bayou? (WAS Raisin Bran! Woo!) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 01:59:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, first we were talking about Raisin Bran, then about anti-Semitism on game shows, then about Joe Bay having a lava lamp in his pants, and now the topic of this topic seems to be men who accidentally sit on uncooked spaghetti and then have to go to their doctor every time they do it twice a day, courtesy some cross-pollination via alt.folklore.urban. Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Is that a piece of uncooked spaghetti in your pants, or are you just > > Archimedes Plutonium? > > And I quote: > > Am J Forensic Med Pathol 1986 Sep;7(3):254-5 > > Masturbation injury resulting from > intraurethral introduction of spaghetti. Could be worse. Could be interurethral. That would mean that either you have two of 'em or else you're indulging in the most perverted practice ever invented, "Spaghetti swapping". > Bacci M, Porena M Please say that was supposed to be spelled "Purina". Please please please. By the way, does it bother anyone else that in Purina Cat Chow commercials they flash their Web site's address (in case your cat uses the Web) on the screen as +--+--+--+ |##| |##| +--+--+--+ | |##| |.COM +--+--+--+ |##| |##| +--+--+--+ ? Also I apologize for filling my Cartesian tic-tac-toe quadrature with little tic-tac-toes. THIS WEB SITE HAS A FRACTAL ADDRESS!!!! > A singular case of masturbation by endourethral introduction as opposed to side-o-urethral, which would REALLY hurt. > of a piece of spaghetti is reported. Especially at parties. And on alt.religion.kibology. And CNN Headline News. > We became aware of the case because fragmentation of the spaghetti made one of us late to work > caused a cicatricial stenosis of the urethra Could be worse. Could have been "cocatricial". That's when your winky turns to stone. (Nick Bensema and/or Louis Nick will now make a joke about their dog trying to eat a dead lowercase "c" in Nethack.) And at least it was stenosis, not ibmselectricosis (no jokes about angry golf balls, please!) or sternosis, the only thing that can keep The Andromeda Stain off your pants. (Matt McIrvin will now explain what this has to do with the guy who had the little cameo in Tom Arnold's "The Stupids".) > that required surgical treatment. OH NO! HE HAS A SPAGHETTI PUNCTURE IN HIS YOU-KNOW! WE BETTER CUT IT OPEN!!! > (end quoted material -- FOREVER!) > > UNSUBSCIRBE You misspelled "circumscribe" when you were trying to misspell "circumcise". THUS ENDETH TODAY'S LESSON IN WHY LATIN WORDS ARE FUNNIER THAN GREEK WORDS. -- K. I hear that in Greek, "Kukla, Fran, & Ollie" means "cross-burners". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "Pullover solvent" Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 07:09:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Gary Williams (gwms@spectra.net) wrote: > > > > Mike Sauve wrote (msauve@altavista.net) wrote: > > > > > > Why are carrots "oranger" than oranges? > > > > Because oranges as shipped to stores are typically yellow, green or a > > motly of yellow and green, dyed orange and artifically ripened by a gas > > applyed in the trucks during shipment. > > > > Carrots really _are_ orange, (mostly,) while store oranges are usually > > artificially orange. > > > > Tree ripened oranges are truely orange, often aided by the growth of > > tomatoes in or near the grove (tomatoes naturally produce the ripening gas). > > Oh, that's just dandy. Now I'm gonna spend all day thinking about farting > tomatoes. Real mature. That's what you get for spending all morning playing that Parker Brothers board game for the whole family, "DADDY FARTED A TOMATO!" Oh, wait, you meant you were thinking about tomatos THAT ARE farting, not about tomatoes flying out of your butt. I apologize for putting that image in your mind. Please don't think about tomatoes coming out of your butt! Also don't make any callbacks to that comp.sys.mac.advocacy post I once saw titled "PC'S ARE FARTING!!!" which ended the Mac-vs-PC debate forever, or at least until Microsoft fixed the bug that makes PCs fart a lot. -- K. Also, I recently saw a WebTV person with this in their signature: ...and the rest of their signature looked like a tomato! Or at least like a fart. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: DOLL REVIEW: Chasey Lain Inflatable Fntasy Playmate Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 10:20:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [warning: only read this article if you don't mind thinking about having carnal relations with someone who has "new car smell".] In some "erotic" newsgroups, Artist1311 (artist1311@aol.com) wrote: > > DOLL REVIEW: > > CHASEY LAIN INFLATABLE FANTASY PLAYMATE "Cheezy Layin'"? > Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate > Signature Collectors Edition This makes me worry that somewhere there is a collector of blow-up dolls pasting them into a gigantic album, which he has to close very slowly as the air pffffts out. > This doll has a molded neck that can safely be choked without risking > anyone's life. Unlike my blow-up doll! That's why mine's better. It's got poisoned spikes all around the neck. > A lot of you have written in and asked about the Chasey Lain Inflatable > Fantasy Playmate. After six months of saving up, I finally got it. A great > doll, although the one I purchased had severe quality control defects that > made it unusable. I suppose that this means either it had a hole, or it had NO holes. > Without the defects, this would have been the best doll I ever > purchased. > > Which brings us face to face with the quality control issue. None of the > manufacturers or retailers of inflatable dolls will stand behind their > products Hey, if I were in a sex-toy shop in Boston's Combat Zone, where gunfire is likely to break out at any moment, I wouldn't stand behind a puffy sex doll either, unless she was filled with sand and dressed in Kevlar hot pants. > and all of them have quality control problems because there is no financial > incentive for them to care. This makes every inflatable doll purchase a > gamble. "I'm not addicted to sex with blowup dolls, I'm addicted to GAMBLING!" > Because of the inherent gamble involved, I generally only buy cheap dolls. I would just like to say that if I had a blow-up sex doll I would also want the cheapest kind, unless it was used. > They don't have as many features and don't last as long, MAW! PAW DONE BLOWN UP THUR AY-OH-AYEL AGAYUN!!!! I'm sorry, the segue fell out between those two lines. > but the risk is much less. > Even taking dud dolls into account, Sex dolls are the only industry where the ones that go *BLAM* are the duds! > it is more cost effective over the long run > to buy several cheap dolls rather than one expensive doll. Or you could rent them by the hour. > The overall body shape of the Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate is a > doggie ...I AM INSERTING A LINE BREAK HERE FOR NO REASON... > style position, although her arms and legs are quite flexible and she > can easily be put into a nice seated or kneeling position. [...] > And the shape of the body and body parts is better than most dolls, > although the ass is a little weird. A blessing in disguise -- I'm sure there's someone out there with a fetish for Weird Asses. > The plastic is darker than most dolls, to > create the impression of a full body tan. It's just like she's a real woman who got a healthy tan before being dipped in vinyl. > The head of the Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate is a fully molded > mannequin head, with mouth, tongue, eyes, nose, ear, AAAIIIEEE!!! IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE ONE-EARED INFLATABLE WOMAN!!!! > and full head of long red hair. The material for the face is soft and > pliable. The glass eyes are a pale blue and the eyelids have long black > eyelashes. The eyes do not close. The Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy > Playmate's hair is long, red, and straight. The face is molded from > Chasey herself. Yeah, but from what part of her body? > I prefer cartoon faces on my dolls (it makes the fantasy experience more fun), But it's so hard to find a Miss Othmar doll. Especially one with the noisemaker that goes "wa-wa, wa-wa-wa". > but as far as realistic faces go, this is the best. > > Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate's mouth is the most kissable and > best feeling mouth of any doll. The lips and tongue are a strange color (same > as the rest of the flesh). The tongue is really nice (flexible and soft), > perfect for French kissing. The tongue is supposed to be battery powered to go > in circles for better French kissing, but on the doll I purchased this > vibrator never worked. When I try French-kissing my wife, she tells me I'm not doing it right either. > Because of the position of the tongue, there is no room for oral sex. That's why Jell-O is better than sex! > [...] There is a sharp plastic lip where the tits are mounted on the > doll chest, Oh, these dolls, they got lips all over these days. > [...gynecological details of intimate diameters elided... you really > don't want to know...] > > Overall, the Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate is an excellent doll, > although the lack of ability to use any of her three holes is a serious > setback. You fool, you spent your money on a BOWLING BALL WITH A WIG! (Cue segue to "The Six Dollar Man" segment on "Sesame Street") > The Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate also has plastic molded hands > and feet. The fingernails and toenails are painted pink. The hands and feet > are realistically shaped and are soft, pliable plastic. The fingers are > separated (allowing for sucking of each individual finger), but the toes > are all a single piece (preventing sucking of individual toes). Oh no! All ten toes are a single piece! This makes her more bow-legged than Kermit! > [...] > > THE FOLLOWING IS THE TEXT ON THE BOX: > > Chasey Lain "Sexteen" Sensuous Features > > 1. Original molding of Chasey's face I'm thinking that the magical (yet stupid) technology used in the movie "Face/Off" will soon be used to make blow-up dolls with faces that are even more special. And they'll come with free ketchup! > 2. Crystal Eyes "Ernie, I sublim 8 the sandbox." "Well, Bert, that's 'cause you've got crystal eyes." (This is followed by that "where the suns raise meat" pun and then there's a song about the Planck Constant.) > 3. Long silky hair Someday I need to go bald so that I can buy an all-silk toupee just so I can go around with the only TRULY silky hair in the world. > 5. French Kiss rotating tongue I have this vision of it spinning around and around like a screwdriver. Or maybe making ratchet-wrench noises. Hey, if you put two of these dolls together, you could have exciting MOTORIZED TONGUE WRESTLING! > 12. Molded Butt, vibrating MAW! THUR VI-BRAYTIN' BUTT'S DONE GONE BUH-ZERK AGAYUN! (Poor Spot! The vibrating butt chased him around the room!) > 14. Lifelike Feel-of-Real Soft-Squeeze Nipples A key part of Richard Simmons's "Feel-of-Real" diet and pornography plan. > 15. Chasey lube Someday there's going to be a mix-up at the factory that makes the K-Y Jelly and the Krazy Glue 'cause they both start with "K" and then next month you'll be in the most-photocopied issue of all medical journals. > 16. Pin-up Poster (Originally signed by Chasey) By the time you get it the signature will have changed to someone else's. > Battery Operated. Uses 4 "AA" Batteries (not included). I hate to think where you insert them. > [...] > > All materials Copyright 1997 Topco Sales, San Fernando, California, Hey! Star Market's "Top Care" brand shampoo is also made by Topco! EWWWWWW!!! Remind me not to wash my hair ever again. (I better get started on ordering that silk toupee.) > [...] > > SOLD AS A NOVELTY ONLY They should just put on a big sticker which says "LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH". Or else make you get a prescription. > [...much more stuff elided...] I would have to say that this was the most informative long-format review of an inflatable doll I have ever read. God bless the Internet! -- K. I remember how, twenty years ago, if you wanted to know about inflatable dolls you had to ask your French teacher! I mean parents. Am I in danger of becoming Benny Hill? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: DOLL REVIEW: Chasey Lain Inflatable Fntasy Playmate Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 09:47:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ben Flieger (aep@primenet.com) wrote: > > Artist1311 (artist1311@aol.com) wrote: > > > > After six months of saving up, I finally got it. A great doll, > > although the one I purchased had severe quality control defects > > that made it unusable. > > > > Without the defects, this would have been the best doll I ever purchased. > > > > Overall, the Chasey Lain Inflatable Fantasy Playmate is an excellent > > doll, although the lack of ability to use any of her three holes is a > > serious setback. > > > So lemme get this straight: It's an inflatable sex doll which you > can't have sex with and has severe quality control defects, yet is > still an "excellent" and "great" doll? Yes, if your idea of sex is playing house in a giant Barbie house with giant Barbie clothes. It's so hard finding those pink pearlescent stretch pants stitched with two-inch-thick thread. > No wonder there is no financial reason to make sex dolls without major > flaws, people will buy everything both naked and vinyl. Hey! I buy some things when I am not naked! You can't get White Castles over the Internet yet! Also, I am still awaiting the invention of a vinyl blow-up woman with grooves all over her body that can be played on any record player. (FOR THOSE OF YOU BORN AFTER 1980, ASK GRANDPA WHAT A "33-1/3 L.P." WAS.) > Capitalism works, you wackos. IF CAPITALISM STOPS WORKING WE WILL BE SANE!!! > Thought: What's the connection with the house siding? Could there be > house porn in the future? Hmm, a house with inflatable vinyl siding would have one problem: It would be very hard to get your key into the vibrating keyhole. > If someone got their tongue stuck in the rotating blender tongue > mouth, would it be funnier if: > a) they spun around while the doll didn't > b) the doll spun around while they didn't > f) Bob Hope spun around but the house didn't I note that the new TV Guide lists the 50 Allegedly Greatest Funny-Funnies Ha-Ha-Ha Ever On Tee Vee. #47 is "The Bob Hope Show" when Bob Hope did "This Is Your Life" with an all-dog cast, and a dog came out walking a smaller dog on a leash. I don't know who compiled this bozo list, but I can think of more than thirty-six things funnier than watching Bob Hope watch a dog walk another dog. Like, the time he got dropped on his head in Iceland on live TV during a Christmas special. Or a lava lamp. In fact, most lava lamps are funnier than Bob Hope. -- K. Especially if he's inside one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do You Swirl It In Your Spoon Too? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 10:40:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.folklore.urban, Daniele Procida (procida@cf.ac.uk) wrote: > > Subject: Re: Do You Swirl It In Your Spoon Too? > > [...] > > I simply can't find it anywhere in me to imagine that someone might want > to stick sharp pasta spikes down into his penis. IS IT JUST ME OR DOES IT SMELL LIKE ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM IN HERE? > Is this a failure of my imagination or of the critical faculties of others? Worse, repeated exposure to people with no critical faculties (such as Mr. Plutonium) can cause your imagination to break. I know this 'cause my doctor says I have imaginary impairment. -- K. On the other hand, people with no criticial faculties, such as Archie, have good imaginations: imaginary friends, imaginary fistfights, imaginary lawsuits, imaginary stock portfolios, imaginary fashion sense... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Reclassifying Pluto Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 10:49:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.physics, Paul J Karol (pk03+@andrew.cmu.edu) wrote: > > Pluto's days as one of our solar system's nine major planets may be > numbered. Two groups in the International Astronomical Union are > thinking about reclassifying the tiny planet, either > calling it a ``minor planet'' or lumping it in with an entirely new > class of objects according to news reports yesterday. I noticed CNN Headline News (et al) picked up on this yesterday. They've only been discussing it in sci.astro for, oh, a month or two. IF ONLY THOSE EVIL SCIENTISTS HAD HURRIED A LITTLE MORE THEY COULD HAVE ALREADY RECLASSIFIED THE PLANET AND NOBODY WOULD HAVE NOTICED! Except the people who live there, of course. It would probably mean the bus would stop there less often. > I have a more provocative suggestion. Reclassify Pluto as a Great Lake. Better yet: Vegetable! -- K. That way the planet would be required to have a big nutrition sticker on it, and we'd finally find out how many calories it contains. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Reclassifying Pluto Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 07:29:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > I'm reclassifying Pluto RIGHT NOW, and even I have no idea > what I mean. That's okay, Kibo understands what you mean, even if you don't. Kibo understands everything, even things that make no sense. (This is why only Kibo bothers reading Archimedes Plutonium's rants.) Evan (anvil@inbeta.com) wrote: > > I'm reclassifying Pluto AND cleaning my oven! > > If you're under 25, you have no idea what I'm talking about and that makes > me old. Hell, you probably don't know who the Cocteau Twins are. > > Why in my day... Yes, but are you reclassifying Pluto (poor Pluto!) and cleaning your oven while wearing a Maidenform bra while biting into a York Peppermint Patty, and you can't believe you ate the whole thing, which tasted good, like a cigarette should, and you tell two friends, and then they tell two friends? I am, except for the bra part. Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > I think it means that sometimes they're going to call it "Prutus" > and sometimes "Pluto", and that sometimes there will be a friendly > rivalry between it an Popeye, and other times bitter, deadly hatred. > > Also, "Prutus" sounds really sissy. I think that instead of that, we should just reclassify Bozo. I mean, sure, he *is* The World's Most Famous Clown, as he tells us whenever he rides his giant tricycle past the bored kids in the tiny TV studio in the 1950s, but being The World's Most Famous Clown hardly makes him a major planet, just a big bozo. I think Ted Turner should take over Popeye and do to it what he did to Tom & Jerry: Popeye and Bluto would not only be little kids, but they would be BEST FRIENDS 4-EVA, and they would TALK, and they would SING, and they would DANCE, and they would be sidekicks to this little orphan girl who would be the actual star of the movie, and everything would be in different shades of lavender. And then they'd cut it up and use it as filler on a faux interview show titled "Popeye Coast To Coast" and they'd have to bribe Elzie Segar under the table to keep him from going to their studios and beating them all up in alphabetical order after they cut up all his original drawings and made wacky stuff happen to them. I think it would be SO COOL if Alex Toth and Elzie Segar had a fistfight, because Segar would have these giant arms with skeletal anchors tattooed on them, and would keep stuffing spinach into his mouth, while Toth would be wearing this complex suit of space armor with a helmet inside the other helmet, and it would be bright orange with green horns and enormous boots which taper the opposite of bell bottoms and have square toes. Segar's weakness is that one hand would be occupied refilling his pipe and his other hand would be full of spinach, which is good because Toth's weakness would be that Segar would keep trying to grab his kilt under the table whenever he had a free hand. (It's the national sport of Scotland, "kilting". That and caber-tossing. And eating haggis. And not liking Roger Moore.) I think that it's weird that all these paragraphs start with "I think" when really I didn't have to think very hard to say this stupid stuff. -- K. (Suddenly a tiny atomic bomb goes off inside Kibo's head, and steam comes out of his ears, and the stream goes TOOT! TOOT!) I AM THAT I AM, MENE MENE TEKEL UPHARSIN! Short shameful confession: I had to use the Web to look up how to correctly spell "Mene mene tekel upharsin"... and figure out what it meant before I said it a tenth time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I've been away Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 10:57:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Riboflavin" (ribo@mindspring.com) wrote: > > So, I've been away from this newsgroup for a couple of weeks, and I've had > to mark everything but the last two days read. Did I miss anything? www.kibo.com/rawdata you're welcome. -- K. DADDY, WHO WAS RIBOFLAVIN? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: In The News Today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3018 centons, 21 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 01:41:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Tonight's episode of "Fox Files" (Fox's attempt at a "60 Minutes", only sleazier) is playing on the traditional "fears of square oldsters" format: The two stories are (1) if you're kid's in college, HE'S PROBABLY IN SOME WACKO CULT!!! and (2) if you leave the house, YOU'LL GET BEATEN UP BY GANGS OF GAY TEENS!!! So, you see why I prefer hard news. Unfortunately, the only place to get actual news during most hours of the day is CNN Headline News, which has 15 minutes of pretty darn soft news repeated 48 times a day, with no topic given more than two minutes except for discussion of proposed changes to Delta's rules about how large carry-on bags can be. What I find most interesting about the modern TV infotainment paradigm is that they try to make you think you're looking at a Web browser displaying frames. In other words, the actual TV show fills about half the screen and all around it are little boxes with filler blinking on and off, and you're not supposed to look at the various kinds of blinking filler, you're just supposed to get really excited that they cared enough to make stuff blink in your peripheral vision. It's also vitally important that every segment of the screen be a different size, color, and typeface. Bloomberg Informational TV (a sadly mis-named program), which is the modern equivalent of the 4 A.M. morning farm report -- in fact, it IS the 4 A.M. morning farm report -- pioneered this technique. The screen has the newscaster (or commercial) the top-right quadrant of the screen, and the other parts show (1) brain-teasers, (2) horoscopes, (3) headlines, (4) This Day In History, (5) stock indexes, (6) stock prices, (7) weather, (8) an "Under Construction" logo. Okay, I made the last one up. Another example of this is "WinTV" on The Game Show Network. If you don't get Game Show Network, it is 24 hours a day (not counting the 8 hours of infomercials) of RERUNS of game shows from the seventies. Now you, too, can experience the thrill of watching "Match Game '72" twenty-five years late! Not only do they show "The Price Is Right" with Bob Barker, they also show the older ones with other hosts, and... in case you can't get enough... they also show the Bob Barker episodes as "WinTV", in which "The Price Is Right" is in a little round-cornered box at top right, and there are trivia questions and factoids at the top left, the Game Show Network schedule at bottom right, and the address to enter their contest at the bottom left. It's like MTV's "Pop-Up Video", only instead of inserting cute little factoids into a full-screen music video from five years ago, they're inserting a twenty-year-old game show into a full-screen fillerfest. Anyway, CNN Headline News used to have a cryptic-looking stock ticker scrolling across the bottom during business hours, showing individual transactions -- you know, the real thing that only the serious investors can decrypt -- only, of course, delayed 15 minutes just to ensure it's useless to actual investors. And there were two of them scrolling at slightly different speeds (in different colors). Now, they've gone to the "fake Web browser" interface, where at the bottom right is the current time (in a box) which cycles through all the various time zones where you might be watching CNN Headline News, and to the left are either stock prices, sports scores, or random one-sentence news items (it oscillates through those three at random during every half hour, it takes about an hour to cycle through all the stocks or sports or headlines.) Ads for other CNN channels and their Web site show up as well. It looks like this: +---------------------------------------------------+ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | +============| | |CNN Headline| | |------------| |--------------------------------------| 3:58 P.M. | | NCAA Tulane 114 | Mountain | | Basketball Wake Forest 96 | Time | |======================================+ CNN.COM | +---------------------------------------------------+ I admire their brazenness in adding the extra racing stripe just to make it clear that they know we know that they're wasting space at the bottom of the screen. It gives their information the same shape as that "S" people always make out of toothpaste in commercials. _ __ / \ / \ | / | <-- made with a Dairy Queen soft-serve "frogurt" dispenser \__/ \_/ ||||||||| |||||||||_________________________________________ (_________)________________________________________) Anyway, during the five or so minutes of every half hour when they're flashing random headlines in that strip -- in small blurry yellow Helvetica letters -- for about two seconds per headline, including the time they spend lap-dissolving into each other while both are unreadable -- the headlines I've seen tend to be things which are too pathetic even for CNN Headline News to cover (and remember, they do at least one story a week on local Polar Bear clubs jumping into frozen ponds.) But they're deliberately hard to read because they know how wimpy these news items are, and they come and go at random so it's kind of hard to keep your eyes on them (they might show two, then show ten minutes of stock prices or PGA scores, then show two more, then they show the first headline again), so for you people I did the experiment: I videotaped an hour's worth (that was how long it took to cycle through all of them, although the some came up several times) and went through in slow-motion so I could write them all down. Well, here goes! =============================================================================== TODAY'S HEADLINES FROM THE VERY BOTTOM OF MY TV SCREEN DURING CNN HEADLINE NEWS =============================================================================== INDIANA: Dan Quayle expected to announce presidential bid on tonight's 'Larry King Live' Gee, I wonder what the repercussions of that will be... INDIANA: Former VP Dan Quayle's uncle, publisher Eugene S. Pulliam, dies at age 84 While watching "Larry King Live". ILLINOIS: Quincy business modifies golf cart to carry the Pope during his visit in St. Louis Everything about the Papacy is so regal! A custom golf cart! I wonder what the Pope's handicap is. I MEAN IN GOLFING, YOU YUTZES. OHIO: Inmate sues after guards at Lorain Co. jail screen mail, tear up nude pix of girlfriend I'd have to see the pix before I decide whether this was a good idea. NEW YORK: 2 fortune tellers arrested in NYC in crackdown dubbed 'Operation Crystal Ball' And to find them, the police hired a psychic. TENNESSEE: Candy trucks [sic] spills 70,000 lbs. of 'Blow Pops'; gums up Nashville commute Could be worse. Could have been Mentos. Then the whole city would be full of perky, allegedly cool Nordic teenagers walking into movie theaters backwards, pretending to be mannequins, and painting pinstripes on their business suits by rolling on freshly-painted park benches. MICHIGAN: Prescott man trapped under 65-ft. tall pile of road salt; rescued after an hour Could be worse. Could have been Pica Limon. CALIFORNIA: Worker buried alive in a trench near LA rescued after 8 hrs.: says 'I feel fine' Could be worse. Could have been Pica Limon. TEXAS: Concrete plant worker recovering at Dallas hospital after falling into 24-foot hole Could be worse. Could have been full of Pica Limon. WASHINGTON: Officials say a 2 lb. section of Kingdome ceiling fell on unoccupied area Could be worse. Could have fallen on a guy eating Pica Limon. ILLINOIS: Family of man killed by chunk of ice falling from Chicago building settles for $4.5M Could be worse. CNN Headline news could be fixated on a particular kind of really minor news event and ignoring things like those five wars that are going on right now. TENNESSEE: Vanderbilt U. given $6 million in funding to start Institute for Coffee Studies The first study will determine the effects of 70,000 pounds of coffee on Nashville highways. SOUTH DAKOTA: Disposable diapers start trash fire at Aberdeen apt.; generated own heat Oh, great. I can imagine the warning label this will warrant. +-----------------------------------------+ |/////////////////////////////////////////| |////////////// D A N G E R //////////////| |/////////////////////////////////////////| | | | POO MAY SPONTANEOUSLY EXPLODE. | | | +-----------------------------------------+ The only question -- will it be printed on the diapers or the baby's butt? That was about half of them. Ones I didn't mock included: 3 drug busts. 6 murders or executions. 1 fatal plane crash. 1 plane crash with no injuries. 1 case of two planes not crashing ("within 100 feet of each other"). 1 new postage stamp. 1 false imprisonment. a fence in a segregated cemetery was torn down, only about 35 years late. Kirk Douglas donated $738,000 to schools. 600 people celebrated the 50th anniversary of Truman's inauguration. world's 3rd largest diamond will be on display in the future. a high school student is no longer suspended for wearing a "Korn" t-shirt. a woman is charged with riding her wheelchair in the middle of a street. 0 events outside the United States. and a Denny's outlet was charged with "slipping pork into Muslim meals". (But if they do that, they won't have enough to put into the kosher meals!) -- K. To say nothing of the vegetarian meals for those preverted Commies with the long hair and bell bottoms. P.S. I apologize for saying "infotainment", "infomercial", "factoid", and "frogurt" in the same article, but I'm just trying to be as "hip" as TV news. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: In The News Today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 07:46:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > and a Denny's outlet was charged with "slipping pork into Muslim meals". > > (But if they do that, they won't have enough to put into the kosher meals!) > > Yeah, AS IF anything at Denny's would ever be considered kosher, halal, or > paraburnachadranda. It's all soaked in cheap bacon grease that other and > therefore better restaurants would sell to soap makers. I'm sure Denny's doesn't use real bacon grease. Ever had one of their breakfasts? Real bacon can only stretch two feet or so, and is somewhat opaque in places. And doesn't have watermarks. The stuff Denny's fries their hash browns (which are neither) in is actually Bac*Os grease, which they make by adding Magic Solution to some magenta Magic Rocks, waiting for them to grow into trees of Bac*Os, then they pour the leftover Magic Solution into a frying pan and drop in the pre-cooked frozen artificial hash browns. Oh, and the frying pan has a little microwave emitter in the bottom. This is why Denny's employees have to wear metal masks. At least that's what the one covered in blood told me. I remember before they changed their name from "Sambo's". (Incidentally, it was allegedly named after their founders, Sam and Bo, but still they obviously had Little Black Sambo as their mascot.) I suspect that diligent historial research would uncover what the restaurants were named before "Sambo's", probably something even more offensive, like "Pauly Shore". I wonder what he's up to... RIGHT... THIS... MINUTE? -- K. (insert footage of several toddlers beating the tar out of Pauly Shore while he rolls on the ground and cries. In the background, his chauffeur is holding the limo door open, waiting for him to cease being beaten. This will never happen. The End.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: In The News Today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 09:37:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I'm sure Denny's doesn't use real bacon grease. Ever had one of their > > breakfasts? Real bacon can only stretch two feet or so, and is somewhat > > opaque in places. And doesn't have watermarks. > > THIS BACON HAS MULTIPLE SECURITY FEATURES TO PREVENT FORGERY. SORRY > ABOUT THE ALL CAPS, IT DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY. VOID IN BEDPAN. Please, it was burned _sausages_ they were drawing out of the bedpan to choose who would go to the front lines in that "M*A*S*H" episode. I think you're confusing the "Bacon In A Bottle" segment of "The Special Show" with the "Diaper Burger" segment of "The Special Show" and the "Bee In A Balloon" segment of "The Prisoner (Now With Bees)". Oh, wait, it was a pun. STOP THIS ARTICLE, I HAVE DETECTED A PUN!!!! I MUST REMAKE MY REPLY IN ITS IMAGE!!! Um... bacon pun, bacon pun... pacon bun... bacon in a bedpun... bacon-lax... bacon burlap... echo team delta dinosaur... wox woxwox... glink... um... *** NO BACON PUNS FOUND, USING BACKUP PUN "What do you call a really weak pun?" "I don't know, what do you call a really weak pun?" "Do you want to know what you call a really weak pun?" "Yes, I want to know, what do you call a really weak pun?" "Do you absolutely, positively, want to know what you call a really weak pun?" "Yes, I absolutely, positively MUST know what you call a really weak pun!" "PUN-Y! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS!!!!" "I don't get it." "It was a long U!" "An overly-distended inflatable sheep?" "No, I meant... WAAH, YOU CAN SAY PUNS TOO! MY LIFESTYLE IS RUINED!" -- K. (Kibo begins slowly turning the crank that cancels out all puns forever) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Desi Jr.'s Birthday. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 03:00:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, Dean Lenort pointed out that January 19 was Desi Arnaz Jr's 46th birthday, and Terri Willis and Mark Hill shamefully admitted they also have his birthday, and since the Government won't allow them to change their birthdays unless they're celebrities, Terri and Mark have to get married. To Desi Arnaz Jr. Eww! It's also interesting that Desiderio Alberto Arnaz y de Ancha IV is forty-six years old and yet he's only been in twelve hours of television, not counting the nine months before he was born when his mom was falling off ladders on TV every day. Curiously, in those twelve hours when he was on TV, in every single frame he had his mouth open and his eyes closed. Now, the average human being spends a total of twelve hours in that facial expression (blinking while yawning) during forty-six years, but by an amazing coincidence he happened to be on TV during those exact twelve hours. With my luck when I get my TV career they'll only put me on TV during the third of my life that I'm ASLEEP! Well, at least then I'll be able to see what I look like while I'm asleep. That never works in the mirror. And maybe I can figure out whether I weigh more with my eyes open or shut. -- K. That was a famous Columbia University study where they asked ten people "Do you weigh more with your eyes open or closed?" and all ten picked one instead of saying "THAT'S A STUPID QUESTION!" and when discussing the results, the researcher was asked what this study meant, and he said "I don't know." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fashion,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Odd Question Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 03:07:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.fashion, Kris in Philly (bluemoon@bellatlantic.net) wrote: > > I was wondering if anyone knew if they made honey in a powder form. Yes. The local supermarket carries jars of "HoneySweet", which is a white powder. An inspection of the ingredients says something like "sugar, honey, more sugar, artificial flavor", so if you need pure honey, it's not for you. > Its 4AM and this is just a sample of some the things I think up. I'm just wondering if you're going to put it on your face or hair or what. Honey-dipped hair doesn't seem very fashionable, although if it was the powdered kind I suppose it wouldn't do much harm if your hair was dry. I suppose you could get your face wet and apply it like face powder. In any case, you'd have bees following you around. I could see that being fashionable. -- K. Bumblebees would be more fashionable if they didn't wear stripes, which is what makes them look so fat that scientists think they can't fly. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Mission: Signature Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 03:13:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Pim van Riezen (pim@webcity.nl) writes: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com): > > > > > > Many of you know about my stupid e-mail .sig. Those of you who > > > don't know about it, well, keep reading because then you'll be > > > at the cool table with the rest of us who *do* know. > > > > Dear M(r)s Avenger, > > > > Your carefully crafted attempts to troll kibo into reposting his signature > > from hell have failed so far. I tell you why it failed: IT DOESN'T EXIST! > > WITHIN THE THEORY OF PLUTO ATOM TOTALITY THERE CANNOT BE A KIBO SIGNATURE > > BECAUSE WE ALL LIVE INSIDE A PLUTONIUM ATOM AND PLUTONIUM ATOMS HAVE NO > > SIGNATURE, ONLY RADIATION!!1!1 > > Dammit, people, you'd *think* you'd all jump on the bandwagon to be part > of my wonderful e-mail .sig's creation, but noooooo. I can't wait until I > get to the ASCII art I posted yesterday; maybe one of you heathens threw > up on it. That would just make my morning. Hey, I just ate a big bowl of slashes and underscores and at-signs for breakfast, and now I feel kind of ill... -- K. On the Internet, you upchuck onto the net, and other people downchuck onto your files. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Impeachment Blooper Of The Day. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 03:22:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dale Bumbers (I am not making up his name, assuming it's spelled like it's pronounced) today told the Senate that it was not okay for them to impeach President Clinton, but they could "censor" him. I can just see it now: Bill Clinton meeting foreign heads of state with a little black rectangle taped over his eyes, and saying "bleep bleep bleep bleep, BLEEP bleep, bleep BLEEP." Sort of like Miss Othmar, only he can face forwards when he wants to. -- K. Also, the TV news pointed out last week that when the Senators all signed that oath of impartiality, they were using one of the Senate's new vanity pens that say, in big gold Wedding Text lettering, "UNTIED STATES SENATOR". They showed a close-up of the pen in question but unfortunately I didn't get a picture of it to prove it to you people, so you'll just have to trust me that somewhere in these United States there is at least one person who has trouble proofreading black-letter fonts. Of course, that's still not as stupid as the "Tropical Twist" pens we had at Laser Designs that said "EMAIL 262-3303". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Cafe ole du Bacon Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 09:26:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Culturally Sensitive Ed (rohmon@ksu.edu) wrote: > > Okay, so I'm vacuuming the county appraiser's office and I make my > way towards the back (avoiding a couple of half-naked, passed-out > employees) and I swear I smell bacon. I turn the corner (pausing a moment > to pocket a flask-size bottle of MD 20/20) and I see someone has made a > fresh pot of coffee which is warming on the little break counter, sink > area in the back. I then realize the bacon smell is coming from the > warming coffee pot... > > BACON FLAVORED COFFEE!? It's called "liquid smoke", and all's you needs to do is drink a cup of it to smell bacony for the rest of your life... and beyond. You can buy it in half-gallon bottles, and a tablespoon "does" twenty pounds of "smoked" meat, so you can see that the half-gallon would odorize about, oh, all the cattle on Earth plus the ones on the Moon. I'm not talking about the worcester-sauce-sized little bottles of "Liquid Smoke Seasoning" used on tabletops in the South, I'm talking about actual pure liquid smoke, not cut with lame brown sauce and stuff. It's just water that has condensed off the soot in a blast furnace where they've incinerated a tree. And most importantly, it's healthy because it's so lethal that it kills all known bacteria! I am not making this up, at Kansas State University researchers spent days dipping raw meat into vats of liquid smoke: [from a Web page] -> -> In other KSU experiments, beef tissues, beef trimmings and ground beefwere -> inoculated with E. coli O157:H7 and were dipped in various levels ofLS. -> Test results revealed that LS reduced E. coli on the meat surface. -> "Bywashing large meat trimmings with liquid smoke before grinding, you -> caneffectively sterilize them," says Patrick Moeller, Ph.D., vice -> presidentof research and development for Hickory Specialties, Inc., maker -> of ZestiSmoke Code V LS. "Your carry-through of bacteria into the -> finishedproduct becomes much less. Liquid smoke gives meat processors an -> effectivetool for eliminating pathogenic organisms right from the start." ZestiSmoke also makes ZestiAdvantage and ZestiMild, the latter name being akin to "Jumbo Shrimp" or "Chicken Lobster". -> Warmed-over flavor (WOF) is a quality defect common in cooked meat thatis -> not consumed immediately. A strong off-flavor develops after meat -> isprepared and consumed later. LS, which also functions as an -> antioxidant,can also prevent WOF, which results from lipid oxidation -> reactions. Yes, I would imagine that soaking your meat in concentrated carcinogenic liquid smoke would prevent you from tasting WOF or anything else. It would be interesting to mix liquid smoke with an equal amount of habanero pepper juice and see which flavor wins. My money's on the liquid cancer. The study is accompanied by a colorful little graph plotting "WOF Intensity" over time (up to 90 days!) for re-heated hamburgers by themselves and those containing 1.5 percent liquid smoke. I assume they mean the blackish-brown stuff, and not the stuff that's used in David Copperfield shows or the other stuff that's used in model trains: -> How can I make my locomotive smoke? -> -> The first smoke mechanism Lionel used in 1945 simply allowed a smoke -> pellet to rest in the headlight bulb with a special dimple in it. This -> didn't work very well and was quickly replaced with a resistance coil. -> Either heat source caused the pill to slowly melt and vaporize. -> Unfortunately Lionel pellets are no longer made, as where they were -> patented by the engineer who created them for Lionel. Life-Like does still -> make a smoke pellet, though it does not work as well or smell as -> distinctive as the original. To alleviate the patent fees, Lionel -> converted to a petroleum based liquid smoke. Since smoke units designed -> for liquid have an absorbent material built into it, the pellet and liquid -> should only be used in their respective style units. Flyer and Marx used -> only liquid smoke units. Smoke liquids currently available can be used -> interchangeably in liquid smoke units. Additionally some new liquids are -> designed to give off specific scents such as original Lionel smoke -> pellets. "Wow, Mom, this burger tastes just like my toy train smells!" While researching liquid smoke I also found a manufacturer touting this scary concept: -> Liquid Smoke Application Systems -> Featuring custom designed drench systems "Ha ha ha! Wait until he wakes up and turns on what used to be his shower!" -- K. I'd like to see Prohias top that. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mcdonalds.crew From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: FUN THINGS FOR EVERYONE Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 09:53:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [re the "Darwin Fish" sparkly bumper stickers that make some sort of point about Christianity and/or evolution being good and/or bad but we Earth humans have no clue exactly what direction it wants to be warping our brains] Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Who will be the first to make a SEAQUEST fish? Put that next to your > Darwin fish, and it'll change the meaning entirely. No longer will it > be a bold political statement proclaiming one's godlessness, but rather > a tribute to the magical talking dolphin that used to be on TV. Yeah! And we can travel back in time to 1974 and stick one of them on the inside of Philip K. Dick's living-room window and pump him full of LSD while he's taking a 1000x-overdose of Vitamin A because he doesn't know that milligrams are smaller than grams, and a glowing pink image of the "seaQuest" Darwin Fish will be burned into his retina, and then he'll start writing BAD SCIENCE FICTION, only this time it'll have squaky-voiced talking dolphins in it!!! Or to get him to REALLY stare at it, put it between two glowing nipples. -- K. Do Kibologists dream of electric dolphins, or of inflatable sheep? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: I feel dizzy. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 09:11:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I was just at a Web site that I reviewed for a magazine last year, and the Web site had a picture of the magazine, which had a picture of the Web site. Taken as a screenshot from my Web browser. Which I was viewing in my Web browser. I feel dizzy, or at least recursive. It looked like this: +==========================================+ | KIBO'S WEB BROWSER WINDOW | +==========================================+ | | | +--------------------------------------+ | | | Magazine! | | | | --------------------------------- | | | | --------------------------------- | | | | --------------------+===========+ | | | | --------------------|KiWebBroWin| | | <-- same as the big one but small | | --------------------+===========+ | | | | --------------------| +--+ +--+ | | | | | --------------------| |::| |::| | | | | | --------------------| +--+ +--+ | | | | | --------------------+-----------+ | | | | --------------------------------- | | | | --------------------------------- | | | +--------------------------------------+ | | | +------------------------------------------+ ... only wider, and the text wasn't actually all dashes. And the cute part is that the little version of my window (inside the magazine inside the big window) was showing some graphics I was designing for someone else's Web site. Anyway, I would be thrilled if you'd shrink this whole article down and put it inside one of yours which would then show up in my window again and freak me out. Just don't shrink any of the good parts. -- K. paid by the hyphen ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I feel dizzy. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 07:48:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor doctoraaron@mindless.com, who doesn't seem to have a Real Name any more now that he's trying to avoid posting from webtv.net, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) signed: > > > > -- K. > > paid by the hyphen > > > Brought to you by the letters Y and K, and the number 2! YAY! Sesame Street > just crashed your computer! Today, "CBS This Morning" (on CBS, in the morning) will be looking at whether kids are scared of The Y2K Bug. Golly, I wonder whether TV news will tell us to be scared or not? Just once I'd like to see them round up several senior citizens and truck drivers and ask them all, "Are you afraid of being eaten by giant invisible bees?" and they'd all yell "OF COURSE NOT, THAT'S STUPID!!!" But if they aired that, all TV news would end forever. My favorite news item from this weekend was the Pope's visit to Mexico, because, for some reason, in Mexico the thronging minions welcome the Pope by shining hundreds of mirrors into the windows of the airplane just before the permanently blinded pilots attempt to land. The Pope ought to fire his publicity manager and hire someone who doesn't tell the crowd to do stupid stuff like that. What's next, telling devot Catholics to load mortars with frozen turkeys and fire them into the plane's engines? Also, as he got off the plane, he passed by this enormous sign which said "BIENVENIDO" in six-foot-high Times Roman letters. One of them was upside down. One of the ones there were TWO of. I find this much stupider than if BOTH N's had been upside down, because even if you don't know where the serifs on the N go, you gotta realize that ONE of them is wrong if they come out different! It's as if they did something subtle like flipping over the "O", which I still would have noticed. (Or sideways, like the "RITZ CAMERA ONE HOUR PHOTO" sign at the mall where all the letters are italicized to the right except the O's which are italicized downwards.) -- K. Also it took them a month and a half to lose the last PhotoCD I gave them. So I demand they change their slogan to "in about an hour". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: My Importance and Yours on the Scale of Infamy. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 10:22:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor These are the highest scores for "importance" in a bunch of searches I did with the "Google" search engine, which calculates the importance of a page as the function of the importance of the pages that point to it, recursively. I.e. a page becomes more important if other important pages point to it. The numbers given are the importance scores of the topmost pages in Google's list of matches for these names. I screened out a few fake numbers because Google's database is a little wacky at the moment (it's still under development.) But it does a good job of figuring out the relative importance of Web pages. Here are the results for every word or phrase or name I tested, and I swear I am not fudging the data: THE GOOGLE SCALE OF POPULAR CULTURE AND ITS PERCENTAGE IN YOUR BRAIN 75% tie -- Dilbert (Web nerds appear to revere Dilbert above all else) \_ Bill Clinton (except of course our Highly Respectable President) 69% tie -- Match Game '77 (I think it matched "match plus game plus 77") \_ WebTV (matching "Web" plus "TV" maybe?) 68% Bill Gates 67% sex (the top match was titled "Amature Action!") 65% tie -- Star Trek \_ The Spice Girls 63% Conan O'Brien / Spot 62% tie / Carl Sagan \ Albert Einstein \ Google 61% porn 60% okra (someone has a computer named "okra" full of files named "okra") 59% diarrhea 58% tie -- Pez \_ Stupidity 57% tie -- Knight Rider \_ Mensa (I would say that one of these things is not like the other) 56% pants / lava lamps 55% tie - butter (I always wondered what the yellow stuff in the lamp was...) \ urine (and I swear I am not making this up) / Adolf Hitlner 54% tie - Marilyn vos Savant (world's smartest person according to "Parade" \ "magazine", the top items were titled "Marilyn vos Savant is wrong!" 53% tie -- boring \_ Rubik's Cube (I would say these two are correctly paired) 52% tie -- Poor Spot! \_ fudge (Oh no! Poor Spot got mixed in with the fudge!) 51% my boss (Ha! Poor Spot is 1% cooler than my boss!) 49% Furby / Cooler Ranch Doritos 48% tie / Parkay \ Mr. Yuk \ Bob Hope (Waah! Bob Hope beat me by ONE STUPID PERCENT!) / Kibo <---- ME!!! / James "Kibo" Parry <---- ALSO ME!!! / Mentos 47% tie DeForest Kelley \ William Shatner's hair (Waah! I'm exactly as popular as a rug!) \ doidy \ underpants 46% tie -- Bill Mumy (Waah! I didn't mean to be more popular than Bill Mumy!) \_ glink 44% tie -- seaQuest DSV \_ seaQuest 2032 (Waah! I'm only 3% better than seaQuest!) 43% alt.religion.kibology (Ha, I am 4% better than the rest of you guys!) 42% tie -- beable \_ erasers 32% Desi Arnaz Jr. (it actually matched him to Desi Sr.) 27% Bob Kinoshita (he designed Robby The Robot for "Forbidden Planet", as well as the giant H in "The Phantom Planet"!) 26% squb (a made-up control word; someone actually has a page with a picture of "squb.gif", according to Google. It's a rainbow-colored felt-tip-pen squiggle.) I think it's definitely broken. Especially since it gave 69% to WebTV. -- K. On the Web, nothing is less than 26% important. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Center for McIrvin Limit Control Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 06:49:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor the Ur-Beatle (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm going to keep shouting "ZOE! JAMIE! OH MY WORD!" until I > > get a reaction, dammit. > > I'd reply "PERRY! THORA! PUCKY!", but I swore I wouldn't > do that anymore. Mmm, Pocky For Men. I enjoy watching lovely Japanese women stirring my wineglass of Scotch with a stick of Men's Pocky held between their ultra-long fingernails. A lot of that goes around here at Stately Kibo Manor, and... Oh, you said Pucky, not Pocky. What I like best about Pucky (the Mouse-Beaver) is that he's EXACTLY HALFWAY BETWEEN A MOUSE AND A BEAVER! In other words, he's a rat. Also, in the original German before Wendayne Ackerman typed him into the special Linotype dedicated to bad science fiction, he was named "Gucky" but apparently she mis-typed his name by accident the same way in all 7,500 "Perry Rhodan" books. Also she kept misspelling my real name as "Perry Rhodan" in these true stories. That's why I'm glad I married Barbara Bain and not her. But that's absolutely the only reason I'm glad I married Barbara Bain. She's a bozo! She can't even operate a Linotype! Anyway, gotta go. I want to watch my Japanese servant-girls stirring Scotch in wineglasses with Men's Pocky some more before Barbara Bain gets home. -- K. [ CUE REPETITIOUS SAXOPHONE MUSIC ] [ TELETUBBIES SHOUT "AGAIN! AGAIN!" ] [ CUE REPETITIOUS SAXOPHONE MUSIC ] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Center for McIrvin Limit Control Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 06:56:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Also, I forgot to say this in the last article I wrote ten seconds ago: Today I saw a box of hot cocoa with marshmallows that made me shout "OH NO, THE INFINITE BURROUGHS-WELLCOME BUILDING TURNED INSIDE OUT AGAIN AND NATALIE WOOD DROWNED IN THE CHOCOLATE!" and Matt McIrvin wasn't there so nobody got it. I would estimate that I have not only pushed the McIrvin envelope but licked it and put a stamp on it and mailed it to a place where nobody likes me any more and they'll have to wait until I can put a picture of this chocolate box in the "Best Of January 1999" alt.religion.kibology book with a whole bunch of little flying arrows explaining the joke, just like if there were a book titled "Dick Tracy For Dummies". I'll say it again just to be sure you don't get it: OH NO, THE INFINITE BURROUGHS-WELLCOME BUILDING TURNED INSIDE OUT AGAIN AND NATALIE WOOD DROWNED IN THE CHOCOLATE! And it had nothing to do with Matt's favorite children's books, "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Machine" or "Homer Price's Magical Factory Tour". -- K. I'm watching the "Superfriends" episode where Lupus Yonderboy tries to warm up the Earth without asking Superman's permission. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.energy,sci.physics.fusion,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Matter-Antimatter power plants Re: Proving that all species, even humans, go extinct Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 10:46:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.energy, sci.physics.fusion, and sci.astro, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > I should be able to prove from the Atom Totality theory whether > antimatter floats around in space. I can prove you're an idiot but only if there are no enjoyable William Shatner ballads floating in outer space. And then a short while later Archie wrote, in another article: > > Perhaps I do not fully understand my own Fusion Barrier Law. BRING ON THE DANCING EXPLODING ALL-BEAR ALL-ANTIMATTER MUSICAL REVUE! (Half the band starts playing "Pomp & Circumstance #666" at triple speed while the other half starts playing "Happy Days Are Here Again" at quadruple speed. Tarzan swings into view with confetti spraying from his open mouth. An elephant with a rocket engine up its butt whooshes past the orchestra. Candy falls from the sky. Everyone bows. Everywhere. Forever.) > It may well mean that even if antimatter was floating around, like lumps > of coal in space, that we cannot control it. It would be unruly and > destroy whatever machines we built. OH, THE UNRULY NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY ANTIMATTER!!! IT DESERVES A SOUND SPANKING!!! *spankBOOM!!!!!!* > [...] > > At least that is my knowledge of the state of the art of > laboratory antimatter. I think you should go into this field, as your anti-research and anti-skills in your anti-brain eminently anti-qualify you for your anti-scientific anti-work. Also, you're the exact opposite of an idiot. -- K. "It's a nerd! It's so lame! It's Archimedes Bizarronium! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.technology,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: dieting cure: taste-bud-otomy procedures; patent pending Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 10:54:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med and sci.bio.technology, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I am all out attack on a sure method of curing dieting. Sorry, I've already solved your problem, and here's the cure for dieting: UNLIMITED REFILLS AT THE BREAKFAST BAR'S BACON BUCKET. I wish you luck with the next scientific field you attempt to invade. > [...] > > I have one full year from today, that is 22JAN2000 to file for a > patent on a procedure to reduce in part or eliminate entirely the taste > system of a human and thus the desire to over-eat. Sorry, I think they already patented British food. > This is a diet surgical operation which I call Taste-Bud-otomy. Okay, go cut your tongue out and then tell us all about it. > Specifically, a procedure describing the surgical cutting, and re-tie > of nerves as to de-activate some of the taste-system such as the sweet > taste sensories, or all of the sweet taste sensories or all of the > taste system of a human. What about fans of NBC's "seaQuest DSV"? Can you point to their locus of taste? No! It's like pointing to their soul only harder. And stupider. But I'm sure you can do it, no matter how stupid your idea is. -- K. Have you considered just giving fat people food served only on really filthy plates badly washed by a deranged dishwasher? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kibological magnetic poetry Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 07:32:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > a q f h y > s i rxv u t j l > zp w m > e c k d I'd like to buy an "n" to block, Wink. MUST... BLOCK... WINK!!! HIGHER! HIGHER! FREEZE! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! NO WHAMMIES!!!! YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY, YOUNG MAN, GO SIT IN THE BANANA SECTION!!! > > nightmare gravity attack s the head > Poor Alexander Abian! A special evil kind of gravity reached out and crushed his head! And put it in your refrigerator! > > (NOTE: If it's any help, the refrigerator the magnetic letters and words > are on is a Deluxe Frostfree) It's completely solid with regular frost. It just is free of DELUXE frost. Ever see one of those refrigerators where someone leaves it running while it's empty and nobody opens it for six months, and then you have to rip the door off to discover it's one big block of ice? If it wasn't for the stupid little theater seats for the eggs on the door's upper balcony the enormous icecube wouldn't be able to grab the door like that so you could open the door without ruining it after you make your thousand-pound ice cube, but nooooooo, the refrigerator makers put those egg holes in just to ruin your fun. And to hold eggs. Which doesn't help your fun either. -- K. Real Kibologists don't use magnetic letters, they use radioactive letters. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.technology,alt.silly-group.beable,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 1.1 taste-bud-otomy procedures; dieting cure: patent pending Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 07:57:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor beable@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > Can I alter the sense of taste so that one no longer has that overeating > > desire? Can I make a fractional taste-bud-otomy, that is remove some > > of the connections of taste buds and the brain such that the person no > > longer has food craving nor pangs of eating. > > And as a means of behaviour control: Cut the nerves that give > people some DEMENTED pleasure from posting to Usenet, and TA-DA! > Massively increased world productivity! Cut the pleasure nerves > that make people want to watch TV all day! TA-DA! Where will it end? I think that first we need to work on simpler problems such as cutting the connection between Archie's head and his ass. Note that I am assuming that he is not merely a disembodied brain in a vat of clear Kool-Aid. I'm sure that at some point in his life he will be. After all, he's a mad scientist, and if he gets killed by the frightened villagers with their superior weaponry (torches instead of death rays) the easiest way to bring him back for a sequel will be to just keep his head alive in a vat in the basement of the movie studio, where that girl who died during the filming of "Goldfinger" is buried because they didn't get her makeup off in time, and next to that haunted apartment where they filmed "Three Men In A Baby" which was constructed on the spot where they gave that mass murderer the electric chair in the middle of the Yellow Brick Road in "The Wizard Of Oz" while Erich Von Stroheim was filming his 26,000-hour cut of "Greed" and George Lucas was going around hypnotizing everyone in the world to make them forget that they saw Jabba The Hutt in the first "Star Wars" before Lucas edited him out. Also, I don't think anyone is opposed to putting Archie's brain in a vat, right now. -- K. Or we could put it in a bat, in a cat, or in a rat... on a train, in a plane, with a fox, in a box... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Note to Beable re POLASM. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 10:02:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I think it's fair to note something. > > I have been to the casino on the reservation and I have played a > slot machine. > > They don't pay off very well. They use flashy lights to get your > attention, they take your money, they make loud, but meaningless > noises to impress you, and then they ask for more money. Nick, the "Imitate Lee Bumgarner" contest is so OVER that its own OVERNESS is now OVER, it's past OVER, it's UNDER you at the far side of the asymptote. Also, you just described my wife. -- K. I have a hunch that I'm gonna split up with Barbara Bain soon, no matter how well she does at the Oscars! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Note to Beable re POLASM. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 04:56:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I have a hunch that I'm gonna split up with Barbara Bain soon, > > no matter how well she does at the Oscars! > > Uh oh. Trouble in the Kibo household. > > While he's having these personal troubles, can we trust him with the button > that launches the a.r.k. nuclear arsenal? It makes one wonder. > > Kibo, if you want to loan me the nuclear button, just for a couple of weeks > till you work things out, I'm willing to help out here... It's okay, I got me one of these "One-4-All 5-Way Universal Multiple Remotes" that replaces the red button, my TV remote control, the garage door opener, and the toilet flush lever, and I know that I would never set off the nuclear weapons without good reason because the KA-BOOM!!! buttons is right next to the FLUSH-O!!! button, and I'm having too much fun just flushing the toilet while pulling the car into the driveway. Wait, I don't have a car. Am I pushing the wrong button? Let me check-- KA-BOOM!!!! Oh, that's the button that makes the funny sound effect, next to the one which actually launches the nuclear weapons. See, the Earth is safe, because I'm a celebrity and therefore I must loudly assert that I am confused by the clock in my VCR and my remote control has too many buttons and my limo driver keps trying to talk about sports, whatever those are!!! -- K. ALL I KNOW IS, BARBARA BAIN ACTS LIKE A ROBOT DIPPED IN WAX! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Snot question Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 06:54:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.med, uk.people.health, and uk.misc, Bennett (njb35@spam.ac.uk) wrote: > > Simon Gray (simon@star-one.org.uk) wrote: > > > > You know how when you've got a cold, & have streamy clear runny snot, & > > when your cold has nearly finished the snot becomes much thicker, > > gloopier, & yellower ? What are the different ingredients of the > > different kinds of snot, & why ? > > > Snot is basically a mucus secreted by the, er, mucosa ;-p of your nose and > sinuses. Earlier in the infection I suppose it's runnier due to irritation, > and activation of the parasympathetics which supply the glands. I dunno > really. > > Later on, the colour changes can reflect which bacteria it is that infected > you. Streptococcus pneumoniae gives brown snot, pseudomonas auregenosa > gives green snot. (I can't remember the others!). I expect the gloopyness > is simply due to the dead bacteria and white cells that make up pus. Well, as other people have pointed out, (a) snot is not pus, (b) the pretty colors probably don't mean a damn thing, and (c) the common cold isn't caused by bacteria but virii. But other than that I like the other parts of your theory. And I have based my new theory on it. My new theory says that when you eat red food, like raw beef or hot peppers, it goes directly to your heart and becomes blood, and if you eat green food, like spinach, celery, lobster, or limes, it goes directly to your gallbladder to turn into vile green bile. Of course, Wonder Bread, marshmallows, and whipped cream build strong bones and teeth, and fish really is brain food -- along with other slimy gray foods, such as the earthworms they make into McDonalds burgers. And I don't need to tell you where the lemonade goes. Don't believe me? Rip out both of your kidneys and then drink ten gallons of lemonade and see if you die!!! -- K. Remember, SNOT is TONS spelled backwards, but SMUT is TUMS spelled backwrds! That's how I spell relief, "S-M-U-T"! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.dreams.lucid From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 07:17:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Phil Brown (holyterror@bellsouth.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [stuff about blockers and nitches and Peter Graves only being on > > "Mission: Impossible" because he was married to Barbara Bain, and > > the shocking revelation that Sid & Marty Krofft are shills for Kool-Aid, > > and a description of Ruth Buzzi and Jim Nabors drowning in > > blood-colored Kool-Aid] > > > > I have Sid Krofft's autograph *and* I drink lots of Kool-Aid! > > > Exactly what do you put in your Kool-Aid, and is it legal? The way I tell whether something is legal is by looking at the stripes. If the light blue stripes are about a quarter of an inch apart it's "college ruled" and if they're further apart it's "baby ruled" and if they're on a yellow background it's "legal" because all lawyers are required to write on paper that looks like its really old, and they use these overlength pads because they're not allowed to pad their trouser crotches in court. Assuming they're guys. I hear women can be lawyers now. But I bet that won't last long 'cause on their way to the court house they'll get into lots of accidents because they keep giving the wrong hand-signals when they're in intersections, and have you noticed that they're serving food on airplanes now? It's actually not very good, either. Maybe they should get some of those new "TV Dinners"! Hey, it's not a TV, and they're not even really a dinner! > > Now, if I may, I'd like to resolve this nitches issue right now. > (Vanna White starts to flip over a letter, but falls into a nitch. Phil Brown resolves the nitches issue.) You win! Now you can be in the FABULOUS SHOWCASE at the end of the show where you'll bid on FABULOUS PRIZES and you'll win them all if you don't GO OVER! Stop GOING OVER! Sponsored by Kleenex, the official tissue of the nitches issue! > As of 04:36:00 GMT 1:14:1999, the U.N. Security Council banned the > possession and use of nitches in international waters. The U.S. Senate > unanimously passed a bill requiring persons transporting nitches to be > of age 21 or older and to acquire a license and cease all religious > activities. Waah! Give the Pope back his nitches! Oh, wait, he has cubbyholes, not nitches. Never mind. > Customs is refusing to allow foreign nitches to be imported, along with > oblong fruits which may conceal them. What about oblong peppers, such as habaneros? And besides, don't you mean fruits that are rectangular prisms? Oblong fruits would be two-dimensional, and that's the worst kind! > Reports of nitches being re-armed by individuals has caused the BATF (Benton's American Type Founders, world leader in the production of obround typefaces filled with nitches and other ink traps) > to impose new regulations, which prevent all citizens from assembling > nitches from foreign sex toys. From now on all nitches must be filled with red ants to prevent people from converting nitches back into sex toys. > The use of demilitarized nitches is, for the moment, legal. It is, > however, under fire as a similar threat to national security as > Phil Zimmerman's PGP software. I also liked that holographic doctor program he wrote. Also he did great production design on "Star Trek: The Next Generation", almost as good as he did on "Far Out Space Nuts". THIS POST JUST CAME FULL CIRCLE! HALLELUJAH! I'M BACK TO THE KROFFTS! NOW GIVE ME MY OWN TV SHOW AND SOME KOOL-AID!!! > As a result, gasoline prices have gone up. But the local UPN affiliate's tee-vee news tonight yelled at me that a gallon of spring water now costs more than a gallon of gas. Well, if you buy the water Store 24. And if the gas is half water. Me, I pay 69c for a gallon of water, and I don't even get the expensive kind that tastes bad. I get the cheap kind where they can't even afford to add artificial water flavor. > According to my connections in Washington, all information about blockers > in classified. However, he did mention that they have been in circulation > in small numbers since the fall of the Soviet Union. > > Hope this helps. But what about knockers and blitches, sockers and glitches, dockers and witches, pickers and zitches, and bloopers and clinkers? "IT'S TEE-VEE'S ALL-NEW CLASSIC SUPER KNOCKERS AND BLITCHES AND SOCKERS AND GLITCHES AND DOCKERS AND WITCHES AND PICKERS AND ZITCHES AND BLOOPERS AND CLINKERS WITH YOUR HOSTS, THE LATE DICK CLARK AND THE OVERPAID ED McMAHON! THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING, THIS HAS BEEN A GOODSON & TODMAN & SID & MARTY KROFFT PRODUCTION FILMED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE WHO WERE THEN KILLED! WE DEDICATE THIS EPISODE TO THE LOVING MEMORY OF ALL THE PEOPLE WE JUST MURDERED! G'BYE, KIDS! MUH!" -- K. Last night I dreamed I ate a giant pillow, and when I woke up, my marshmallow was gone! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Scared Straight! 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 08:15:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Da neffer" (neffer@sirius.com) wrote: > > In an effort to reach out to the "troubled youth" of today, this spring > MTV is bringing back possibly the last 1970s cultural phenom left to be > kicked around: the New Jersey Prison infomercial. > > As evident with the _genuine_ working title, young, beautiful people in > future- flares will have their last vestige of idealism smacked out of > them by inmates of Moonbase Alpha. > > Can't wait for the conventions. Well, now, you don't have to wait! Now, thanks to the miracle of KiboVision -- it's like television only it beams the actors you want to see into your living room and forces them to interact with you as long as you want -- you are going to see a "Scared Straight: 1999" fan convention RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!! Barbara Bain: So, you think you're so cool. Neffer: Yeah, I mean no... Martin Landau: Listen here, you little punk, with your "rock" music, and tracking Moon dust all over my new white carpet... Neffer: Wait, what are you doing in my living room? Why are you naked? Barry Morse: Kibovision can only transmit organic matter, and not polyester, just like in "The Terminator." Neffer: Then why did Arnold Schwarzenegger's robotic skeleton go through when his clothes didn't? And what about Catherine Schell's plastic eyebrows? Catherine Schell: (feels her bumpy eyebrows) He's right. I have eyebrows. Barbara Bain: Be that as it may, we're here to talk to you about the dangers of drugs. Drugs are the first step towards criminal activity! Barry Morse: Criminal activity is a new form of radio-activity that we can't detect... unless... it's a crazy idea, but a seance just might work. Martin Landau: Wait, everyone, I have an idea! Let's just smack this guy around until he stops doing drugs while he's in a coma! Neffer: But -- (gets pummeled into a coma by the cast of "Space: 1999") Catherine Schell: Hey, Barry, how come I'm in the same episode as you? Barry Morse: It's a Season Warp. It's like a space warp but instead of travelling into the future, I travelled into the next TV season. Martin Landau: Holy cripes, that's some funkadelic science! Barbara Bain: Ditto! (The Moon explodes. Everyone dies, then bows. Fade out.) -- K. Remember KiboVision's motto: IT COULD HAPPEN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The Rapture Is Almost Here, As Usual! Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 22:33:49 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp From "The Rapture Index" at http://www.novia.net/~todd/rap2.html: > > Rapture Index of 85 and Below: Slow prophetic activity > Rapture Index of 85 to 110: Moderate prophetic activity > Rapture Index of 110 to 145: Heavy prophetic activity > Rapture Index above 145: Alert zone Is the Rapture measured in metric or American units? I SAY IF AMERICAN UNITS WERE GOOD ENOUGH FOR JESUS, THEN THEY'RE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!! GOD DOESN'T KNOW METRIC!!! HE DOESN'T NEED TO!!! HE'S GOD!!! The current forecast calls for partly Rapture, with a possible chance of Tribulations. There is a low-pressure center over Satanism, with Globalism, Liberalism, and Kings Of The East sighted over Beast Government: > 1 False Christs 5 18 World Church 5 35 The Antichrist 1 > 2 Occult 2 19 Globalism 5 36 Volcanoes 5 > 3 Satanism 1 20 Tribulation Temple 3 37 Earthquakes 1 > 4 Unemployment 1 21 Anti-Semitism 5 38 Hurricane/Torn 5 > 5 Inflation 1 22 Israel Unrest 4 39 Persia (Iran) 4 > 6 Interest Rates 1 23 Russia (Gog) 5 40 Famine 4 > 7 Economy 3 24 Less Civil Rights 3 41 Drought 3 > 8 Oil Supply/Price 1 25 The False Prophet 3+1 42 Plagues 5 > 9 Debt 5 26 Nuclear Nations 5 43 Climate 4 > 10 Financial Unrest 5 27 Global turmoil 5 44 Food Supply 3 > 11 Leadership 5 28 Arms Build Up 5 45 Floods 5 > 12 Drug abuse 2 29 Liberalism 4 > 13 Apostasy 5 30 The Peace Process 4 Rapture Index 166 > 14 Supernatural 2 31 Kings of the East 5 Net Change +2 > 15 Moral Standards 5 32 Mark of the Beast 5 > 16 Anti-Christian 5+1 33 Beast Government 5 Updated: 25 Jan 99 > 17 Crime Rate 1 34 Date Settings 5 Are 3+1 False Prophets better or worse than 4 False Prophets? Also, I like the way The Peace Process is right near Global Turmoil. BOTH ARE EVIL IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!!! DON'T MAKE WAR!!! DON'T MAKE PEACE!!! JUST WATCH TV AND GRUMBLE IMPOLITELY ALL THE TIME!!! Similarly, "Famine" is near "Food Supply". Really, this index asserts that an increase in the food supply OR a famine is a sign of The Rapture. > 40 Famine: > Half a million people in North Korea are feared dead for > starvation. > 44 Food Supply: > This year's Midwest grain harvest is expected to be a large > one. DON'T HAVE FAMINE!!! DON'T HAVE A FOOD SUPPLY EITHER!!! JUST EAT AT McDONALDS IF YOU WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN!!! I MEAN McHEAVEN!!! Ever since McDonalds bought all world right to the Bible, it hasn't been the same. I mean, Jesus looks silly in that baggy yellow suit and big red wig. And he keeps changing loaves and fishes into greasy gray hamburgers, and wine into Shamrock Shakes! Now turning to the lighter side of the news, let's go to The Big Board and put the map in motion for YOUR Headline News Rapture Index! > Record High 174 Record Low 57 1997 High 168 1998 High 174 1999 High 169 > Nov 23 98 Dec 12 93 1997 Low 137 1998 Low 152 1999 Low 164 Hey, wasn't November 23, 1998 the date of the latest Alt.Religion.Kibology Party-Like Event? The one where we covered Matt McIrvin in bubble wrap? That's odd, I don't see Kibology on the list of the 45 warning signs above. Oh, wait -- #11, Leadership. LEADERS ARE BAD!!! LISTEN TO CHRIST WHEN HE SAYS NOT TO LISTEN TO PEOPLE!!! -- K. I'm going to go back and see what that Web page looks like the day after the universe ends. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.psychology.personality,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: What are all these "junk" postings here? Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 22:52:24 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp In soc.psychology.personality, Tammy D. Starosta (tstar@iland.net) wrote: > > I agree Margie!!!! I have looked through a lot of these "newsgroups" and > all I find is babies crying to each other in a group to show how stupid both > of them are!!!! Get on the internet chat line and duke it out! I wanted to > be able to download some INTERSTING news not a slapping party! DITTOW !!!!!11 -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.food.taco-bell,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: TURBIDITAS Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 05:33:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.geo.geology, Candido Garc’a (cgarciaba@nexo.es) wrote: > > Hello to all: I need all the information and documentation possible envelope > urgently TURBIDITAS for an university work. Turbiditas are what Taco Bell is pushing now -- instead of a hard shell the meat-like paste is smeared into a Possible Envelope. -- K. I did not say "Turditas", I did not even think it... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Do What I Say! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 04:54:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [] Hey You! Yes, You! This is Important! You are about to become the newest, most important member of Kibo's D O W H A T I S A Y Club When (not if) you click the link below you will receive a lifetime membership in Kibo's Do What I Say Club. There are no membership fees to pay, no tests to pass, and no way to quit. This is legally binding. And you will click because you can't resist. You would click even if I, Kibo, were not about to tell you what is so right about Kibo's Do What I Say Club. Kibo's Do What I Say Club is the most powerful social force propelling our civilization into the heart of the 21st century. They are a small but loyal group of people whose minds are singly dedicated to one task: Doing what Kibo wants them to do. What, your crazy parents don't think this is a good thing? Well, buckle up, Mom & Pop, because here I shall reveal the benevolent purpose of Kibo's Do What I Say Club. For many years, Kibo has been aware of the same old tired, implausible, stupid "urban legends" and rumors promulgated through the Internet. You know the ones: Sick kid needs postcards blah blah blah, postage stamps contain LSD, Mrs. Fields' cookies cost five hundred bucks each, asbestos causes cancer, etc. Kibo got tired of seeing these same rumors every day and decided to do something to stomp them out for once and for all. And how do you, the intrepid member of Kibo's Do What I Say Club, help expunge these stale rumors from the Internet? All you have to do is spread the NEW rumors that Kibo has devised. These are much better than the old ones because most of them are about Kibo. We need more legends about Kibo. (Some of these legends are not about Kibo, but anything is better than more stories about collecting beer can pull-tabs to get a free dialysis machine with which to wash all the beer out of your bloated kidneys.) THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER! IT IS JUST A LIE! So, here's the deal: You click the button below. Kibo gives you a new urban legend, freshly created this very week. You tell all your friends, former friends, co-workers, competitors, and especially everyone you correspond with on the Internet. And remember, clicking on the button below constitutes a legally-binding contract requiring you to Do What Kibo Says. Now have fun! P.S. Next week you have to come back and do it again. CLICK HERE! AND YOU WILL JOIN KIBO'S DO WHAT I SAY CLUB click! --> http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ <-- click! -- K. P.S. Don't tell rec.org.mensa about this secret link on my Web page.