Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kibological magnetic poetry Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 07:32:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > a q f h y > s i rxv u t j l > zp w m > e c k d I'd like to buy an "n" to block, Wink. MUST... BLOCK... WINK!!! HIGHER! HIGHER! FREEZE! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! NO WHAMMIES!!!! YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY, YOUNG MAN, GO SIT IN THE BANANA SECTION!!! > > nightmare gravity attack s the head > Poor Alexander Abian! A special evil kind of gravity reached out and crushed his head! And put it in your refrigerator! > > (NOTE: If it's any help, the refrigerator the magnetic letters and words > are on is a Deluxe Frostfree) It's completely solid with regular frost. It just is free of DELUXE frost. Ever see one of those refrigerators where someone leaves it running while it's empty and nobody opens it for six months, and then you have to rip the door off to discover it's one big block of ice? If it wasn't for the stupid little theater seats for the eggs on the door's upper balcony the enormous icecube wouldn't be able to grab the door like that so you could open the door without ruining it after you make your thousand-pound ice cube, but nooooooo, the refrigerator makers put those egg holes in just to ruin your fun. And to hold eggs. Which doesn't help your fun either. -- K. Real Kibologists don't use magnetic letters, they use radioactive letters. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I feel dizzy. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 07:48:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor doctoraaron@mindless.com, who doesn't seem to have a Real Name any more now that he's trying to avoid posting from webtv.net, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) signed: > > > > -- K. > > paid by the hyphen > > > Brought to you by the letters Y and K, and the number 2! YAY! Sesame Street > just crashed your computer! Today, "CBS This Morning" (on CBS, in the morning) will be looking at whether kids are scared of The Y2K Bug. Golly, I wonder whether TV news will tell us to be scared or not? Just once I'd like to see them round up several senior citizens and truck drivers and ask them all, "Are you afraid of being eaten by giant invisible bees?" and they'd all yell "OF COURSE NOT, THAT'S STUPID!!!" But if they aired that, all TV news would end forever. My favorite news item from this weekend was the Pope's visit to Mexico, because, for some reason, in Mexico the thronging minions welcome the Pope by shining hundreds of mirrors into the windows of the airplane just before the permanently blinded pilots attempt to land. The Pope ought to fire his publicity manager and hire someone who doesn't tell the crowd to do stupid stuff like that. What's next, telling devot Catholics to load mortars with frozen turkeys and fire them into the plane's engines? Also, as he got off the plane, he passed by this enormous sign which said "BIENVENIDO" in six-foot-high Times Roman letters. One of them was upside down. One of the ones there were TWO of. I find this much stupider than if BOTH N's had been upside down, because even if you don't know where the serifs on the N go, you gotta realize that ONE of them is wrong if they come out different! It's as if they did something subtle like flipping over the "O", which I still would have noticed. (Or sideways, like the "RITZ CAMERA ONE HOUR PHOTO" sign at the mall where all the letters are italicized to the right except the O's which are italicized downwards.) -- K. Also it took them a month and a half to lose the last PhotoCD I gave them. So I demand they change their slogan to "in about an hour". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.technology,alt.silly-group.beable,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 1.1 taste-bud-otomy procedures; dieting cure: patent pending Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 07:57:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor beable@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > Can I alter the sense of taste so that one no longer has that overeating > > desire? Can I make a fractional taste-bud-otomy, that is remove some > > of the connections of taste buds and the brain such that the person no > > longer has food craving nor pangs of eating. > > And as a means of behaviour control: Cut the nerves that give > people some DEMENTED pleasure from posting to Usenet, and TA-DA! > Massively increased world productivity! Cut the pleasure nerves > that make people want to watch TV all day! TA-DA! Where will it end? I think that first we need to work on simpler problems such as cutting the connection between Archie's head and his ass. Note that I am assuming that he is not merely a disembodied brain in a vat of clear Kool-Aid. I'm sure that at some point in his life he will be. After all, he's a mad scientist, and if he gets killed by the frightened villagers with their superior weaponry (torches instead of death rays) the easiest way to bring him back for a sequel will be to just keep his head alive in a vat in the basement of the movie studio, where that girl who died during the filming of "Goldfinger" is buried because they didn't get her makeup off in time, and next to that haunted apartment where they filmed "Three Men In A Baby" which was constructed on the spot where they gave that mass murderer the electric chair in the middle of the Yellow Brick Road in "The Wizard Of Oz" while Erich Von Stroheim was filming his 26,000-hour cut of "Greed" and George Lucas was going around hypnotizing everyone in the world to make them forget that they saw Jabba The Hutt in the first "Star Wars" before Lucas edited him out. Also, I don't think anyone is opposed to putting Archie's brain in a vat, right now. -- K. Or we could put it in a bat, in a cat, or in a rat... on a train, in a plane, with a fox, in a box... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Note to Beable re POLASM. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 10:02:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I think it's fair to note something. > > I have been to the casino on the reservation and I have played a > slot machine. > > They don't pay off very well. They use flashy lights to get your > attention, they take your money, they make loud, but meaningless > noises to impress you, and then they ask for more money. Nick, the "Imitate Lee Bumgarner" contest is so OVER that its own OVERNESS is now OVER, it's past OVER, it's UNDER you at the far side of the asymptote. Also, you just described my wife. -- K. I have a hunch that I'm gonna split up with Barbara Bain soon, no matter how well she does at the Oscars! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Note to Beable re POLASM. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 04:56:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I have a hunch that I'm gonna split up with Barbara Bain soon, > > no matter how well she does at the Oscars! > > Uh oh. Trouble in the Kibo household. > > While he's having these personal troubles, can we trust him with the button > that launches the a.r.k. nuclear arsenal? It makes one wonder. > > Kibo, if you want to loan me the nuclear button, just for a couple of weeks > till you work things out, I'm willing to help out here... It's okay, I got me one of these "One-4-All 5-Way Universal Multiple Remotes" that replaces the red button, my TV remote control, the garage door opener, and the toilet flush lever, and I know that I would never set off the nuclear weapons without good reason because the KA-BOOM!!! buttons is right next to the FLUSH-O!!! button, and I'm having too much fun just flushing the toilet while pulling the car into the driveway. Wait, I don't have a car. Am I pushing the wrong button? Let me check-- KA-BOOM!!!! Oh, that's the button that makes the funny sound effect, next to the one which actually launches the nuclear weapons. See, the Earth is safe, because I'm a celebrity and therefore I must loudly assert that I am confused by the clock in my VCR and my remote control has too many buttons and my limo driver keps trying to talk about sports, whatever those are!!! -- K. ALL I KNOW IS, BARBARA BAIN ACTS LIKE A ROBOT DIPPED IN WAX! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Snot question Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 06:54:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.med, uk.people.health, and uk.misc, Bennett (njb35@spam.ac.uk) wrote: > > Simon Gray (simon@star-one.org.uk) wrote: > > > > You know how when you've got a cold, & have streamy clear runny snot, & > > when your cold has nearly finished the snot becomes much thicker, > > gloopier, & yellower ? What are the different ingredients of the > > different kinds of snot, & why ? > > > Snot is basically a mucus secreted by the, er, mucosa ;-p of your nose and > sinuses. Earlier in the infection I suppose it's runnier due to irritation, > and activation of the parasympathetics which supply the glands. I dunno > really. > > Later on, the colour changes can reflect which bacteria it is that infected > you. Streptococcus pneumoniae gives brown snot, pseudomonas auregenosa > gives green snot. (I can't remember the others!). I expect the gloopyness > is simply due to the dead bacteria and white cells that make up pus. Well, as other people have pointed out, (a) snot is not pus, (b) the pretty colors probably don't mean a damn thing, and (c) the common cold isn't caused by bacteria but virii. But other than that I like the other parts of your theory. And I have based my new theory on it. My new theory says that when you eat red food, like raw beef or hot peppers, it goes directly to your heart and becomes blood, and if you eat green food, like spinach, celery, lobster, or limes, it goes directly to your gallbladder to turn into vile green bile. Of course, Wonder Bread, marshmallows, and whipped cream build strong bones and teeth, and fish really is brain food -- along with other slimy gray foods, such as the earthworms they make into McDonalds burgers. And I don't need to tell you where the lemonade goes. Don't believe me? Rip out both of your kidneys and then drink ten gallons of lemonade and see if you die!!! -- K. Remember, SNOT is TONS spelled backwards, but SMUT is TUMS spelled backwrds! That's how I spell relief, "S-M-U-T"! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: uk.misc,uk.people.health,sci.med,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Snot question Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 09:01:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In uk.misc, uk.people.health, and sci.med, in an argument about the color of boogers (I am not making this up), "Mary T" (bsolut@ptialaska.net) wrote: > > [...explanation of elementary chemical principles, to show that boogers are > green due to hemoglobin by-products and not green bacteria, snipped...] > > Of course, you may from Venus and your nasal mucous might actually be a mold. Ladies and gentlemen, above is the booger-related Quote Of The Week! It's been tubbed, it's been scrubbed, it's bumper-ready! +------------------------------+ | HONK IF YOU MAY FROM VENUS | +------------------------------+ +-----------------------------------------+ | MY OTHER CAR MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A MOLD | +-----------------------------------------+ > Then, again, you may be from Mars, and the green stuff coming our of > your nose may be a chlorophyll producing plant. Could be worse. It could be a chlorophyll-producing planet. -- K. Did anyone else like the scene in "Total Recall" where Arnold Schwarzenegger pulled an entire planet out of his nose? Twice? And then his head exploded? And someone pointed at it and yelled "EWW! BOOGERS!"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.dreams.lucid From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 07:17:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Phil Brown (holyterror@bellsouth.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [stuff about blockers and nitches and Peter Graves only being on > > "Mission: Impossible" because he was married to Barbara Bain, and > > the shocking revelation that Sid & Marty Krofft are shills for Kool-Aid, > > and a description of Ruth Buzzi and Jim Nabors drowning in > > blood-colored Kool-Aid] > > > > I have Sid Krofft's autograph *and* I drink lots of Kool-Aid! > > > Exactly what do you put in your Kool-Aid, and is it legal? The way I tell whether something is legal is by looking at the stripes. If the light blue stripes are about a quarter of an inch apart it's "college ruled" and if they're further apart it's "baby ruled" and if they're on a yellow background it's "legal" because all lawyers are required to write on paper that looks like its really old, and they use these overlength pads because they're not allowed to pad their trouser crotches in court. Assuming they're guys. I hear women can be lawyers now. But I bet that won't last long 'cause on their way to the court house they'll get into lots of accidents because they keep giving the wrong hand-signals when they're in intersections, and have you noticed that they're serving food on airplanes now? It's actually not very good, either. Maybe they should get some of those new "TV Dinners"! Hey, it's not a TV, and they're not even really a dinner! > > Now, if I may, I'd like to resolve this nitches issue right now. > (Vanna White starts to flip over a letter, but falls into a nitch. Phil Brown resolves the nitches issue.) You win! Now you can be in the FABULOUS SHOWCASE at the end of the show where you'll bid on FABULOUS PRIZES and you'll win them all if you don't GO OVER! Stop GOING OVER! Sponsored by Kleenex, the official tissue of the nitches issue! > As of 04:36:00 GMT 1:14:1999, the U.N. Security Council banned the > possession and use of nitches in international waters. The U.S. Senate > unanimously passed a bill requiring persons transporting nitches to be > of age 21 or older and to acquire a license and cease all religious > activities. Waah! Give the Pope back his nitches! Oh, wait, he has cubbyholes, not nitches. Never mind. > Customs is refusing to allow foreign nitches to be imported, along with > oblong fruits which may conceal them. What about oblong peppers, such as habaneros? And besides, don't you mean fruits that are rectangular prisms? Oblong fruits would be two-dimensional, and that's the worst kind! > Reports of nitches being re-armed by individuals has caused the BATF (Benton's American Type Founders, world leader in the production of obround typefaces filled with nitches and other ink traps) > to impose new regulations, which prevent all citizens from assembling > nitches from foreign sex toys. From now on all nitches must be filled with red ants to prevent people from converting nitches back into sex toys. > The use of demilitarized nitches is, for the moment, legal. It is, > however, under fire as a similar threat to national security as > Phil Zimmerman's PGP software. I also liked that holographic doctor program he wrote. Also he did great production design on "Star Trek: The Next Generation", almost as good as he did on "Far Out Space Nuts". THIS POST JUST CAME FULL CIRCLE! HALLELUJAH! I'M BACK TO THE KROFFTS! NOW GIVE ME MY OWN TV SHOW AND SOME KOOL-AID!!! > As a result, gasoline prices have gone up. But the local UPN affiliate's tee-vee news tonight yelled at me that a gallon of spring water now costs more than a gallon of gas. Well, if you buy the water Store 24. And if the gas is half water. Me, I pay 69c for a gallon of water, and I don't even get the expensive kind that tastes bad. I get the cheap kind where they can't even afford to add artificial water flavor. > According to my connections in Washington, all information about blockers > in classified. However, he did mention that they have been in circulation > in small numbers since the fall of the Soviet Union. > > Hope this helps. But what about knockers and blitches, sockers and glitches, dockers and witches, pickers and zitches, and bloopers and clinkers? "IT'S TEE-VEE'S ALL-NEW CLASSIC SUPER KNOCKERS AND BLITCHES AND SOCKERS AND GLITCHES AND DOCKERS AND WITCHES AND PICKERS AND ZITCHES AND BLOOPERS AND CLINKERS WITH YOUR HOSTS, THE LATE DICK CLARK AND THE OVERPAID ED McMAHON! THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING, THIS HAS BEEN A GOODSON & TODMAN & SID & MARTY KROFFT PRODUCTION FILMED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE WHO WERE THEN KILLED! WE DEDICATE THIS EPISODE TO THE LOVING MEMORY OF ALL THE PEOPLE WE JUST MURDERED! G'BYE, KIDS! MUH!" -- K. Last night I dreamed I ate a giant pillow, and when I woke up, my marshmallow was gone! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 13:32:27 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > > > First of all, my parents went through a "blame everything on sugar and > > > forbid him from having any" phase around the first grade. This was > > > their first official mistake-they-didn't-make-with-Trevor. Anyway, > > > the kids used the word "sugar" to DRIVE ME CRAZY! Although it was > > > OK to have brown sugar, so I often sat by the fridge and ate big > > > chunks of it, and pretended that's what they meant when they chanted > > > "sugar sugar sugar". > > > > Okay, this brings up one of the great bafflements of my life. > > > > Can any of the double dome biology type scientists here provide some sort > > of rational justification for the popular notion that *refining* sugar > > makes it cause bad things to happen to your children? It makes it taste better. So they eat more. DUH-HUH! If you'd just stop vibrating around your room spastically for a quarter of a second maybe you could think about it, Mr. Guy Whose Initials Are The Same As M&Ms, but no, you're stuffing your face with Jujyfruit without even realizing the irony of calling them anything with "fruit" in the name. AND THEY'RE SO DAMN JUJY! > Purifying carbohydrates of any breed (sugar or starch) carries the danger > that you're purifying them away from the B vitamins needed to metabolize > them. This is actually a problem with honey: though honey does contain > B vitamins (which refined sugar doesn't), it doesn't contain enough B > vitamins per unit of sugar to metabolize what you're eating, so you > end up subtracting B vitamins from your...um..."system". This can > be a greater or smaller problem for the sugar you're eating depending > on it's glycemic index, which is a measure of how much of the sugar > you're eating gets absorbed in the small intestine (e.g., the > glycemic index of lactose for someone who is lactose intolerant is 0). > Anything that doesn't get absorbed there gets turned into farts. Anything... that isn't absorbed... becomes a fart? Then why do I still poop? HA! I HAVE DESTROYED YOUR ENTIRE THEORY WITH MY POOP! -- K. Why are you people obsessed with doody lately? You should be obsessed with something more wholesome, like jujyfruit, instead of doodyfruit. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Scared Straight! 1999 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 08:15:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Da neffer" (neffer@sirius.com) wrote: > > In an effort to reach out to the "troubled youth" of today, this spring > MTV is bringing back possibly the last 1970s cultural phenom left to be > kicked around: the New Jersey Prison infomercial. > > As evident with the _genuine_ working title, young, beautiful people in > future- flares will have their last vestige of idealism smacked out of > them by inmates of Moonbase Alpha. > > Can't wait for the conventions. Well, now, you don't have to wait! Now, thanks to the miracle of KiboVision -- it's like television only it beams the actors you want to see into your living room and forces them to interact with you as long as you want -- you are going to see a "Scared Straight: 1999" fan convention RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!! Barbara Bain: So, you think you're so cool. Neffer: Yeah, I mean no... Martin Landau: Listen here, you little punk, with your "rock" music, and tracking Moon dust all over my new white carpet... Neffer: Wait, what are you doing in my living room? Why are you naked? Barry Morse: Kibovision can only transmit organic matter, and not polyester, just like in "The Terminator." Neffer: Then why did Arnold Schwarzenegger's robotic skeleton go through when his clothes didn't? And what about Catherine Schell's plastic eyebrows? Catherine Schell: (feels her bumpy eyebrows) He's right. I have eyebrows. Barbara Bain: Be that as it may, we're here to talk to you about the dangers of drugs. Drugs are the first step towards criminal activity! Barry Morse: Criminal activity is a new form of radio-activity that we can't detect... unless... it's a crazy idea, but a seance just might work. Martin Landau: Wait, everyone, I have an idea! Let's just smack this guy around until he stops doing drugs while he's in a coma! Neffer: But -- (gets pummeled into a coma by the cast of "Space: 1999") Catherine Schell: Hey, Barry, how come I'm in the same episode as you? Barry Morse: It's a Season Warp. It's like a space warp but instead of travelling into the future, I travelled into the next TV season. Martin Landau: Holy cripes, that's some funkadelic science! Barbara Bain: Ditto! (The Moon explodes. Everyone dies, then bows. Fade out.) -- K. Remember KiboVision's motto: IT COULD HAPPEN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The Rapture Is Almost Here, As Usual! Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 22:33:49 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp From "The Rapture Index" at http://www.novia.net/~todd/rap2.html: > > Rapture Index of 85 and Below: Slow prophetic activity > Rapture Index of 85 to 110: Moderate prophetic activity > Rapture Index of 110 to 145: Heavy prophetic activity > Rapture Index above 145: Alert zone Is the Rapture measured in metric or American units? I SAY IF AMERICAN UNITS WERE GOOD ENOUGH FOR JESUS, THEN THEY'RE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!! GOD DOESN'T KNOW METRIC!!! HE DOESN'T NEED TO!!! HE'S GOD!!! The current forecast calls for partly Rapture, with a possible chance of Tribulations. There is a low-pressure center over Satanism, with Globalism, Liberalism, and Kings Of The East sighted over Beast Government: > 1 False Christs 5 18 World Church 5 35 The Antichrist 1 > 2 Occult 2 19 Globalism 5 36 Volcanoes 5 > 3 Satanism 1 20 Tribulation Temple 3 37 Earthquakes 1 > 4 Unemployment 1 21 Anti-Semitism 5 38 Hurricane/Torn 5 > 5 Inflation 1 22 Israel Unrest 4 39 Persia (Iran) 4 > 6 Interest Rates 1 23 Russia (Gog) 5 40 Famine 4 > 7 Economy 3 24 Less Civil Rights 3 41 Drought 3 > 8 Oil Supply/Price 1 25 The False Prophet 3+1 42 Plagues 5 > 9 Debt 5 26 Nuclear Nations 5 43 Climate 4 > 10 Financial Unrest 5 27 Global turmoil 5 44 Food Supply 3 > 11 Leadership 5 28 Arms Build Up 5 45 Floods 5 > 12 Drug abuse 2 29 Liberalism 4 > 13 Apostasy 5 30 The Peace Process 4 Rapture Index 166 > 14 Supernatural 2 31 Kings of the East 5 Net Change +2 > 15 Moral Standards 5 32 Mark of the Beast 5 > 16 Anti-Christian 5+1 33 Beast Government 5 Updated: 25 Jan 99 > 17 Crime Rate 1 34 Date Settings 5 Are 3+1 False Prophets better or worse than 4 False Prophets? Also, I like the way The Peace Process is right near Global Turmoil. BOTH ARE EVIL IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!!! DON'T MAKE WAR!!! DON'T MAKE PEACE!!! JUST WATCH TV AND GRUMBLE IMPOLITELY ALL THE TIME!!! Similarly, "Famine" is near "Food Supply". Really, this index asserts that an increase in the food supply OR a famine is a sign of The Rapture. > 40 Famine: > Half a million people in North Korea are feared dead for > starvation. > 44 Food Supply: > This year's Midwest grain harvest is expected to be a large > one. DON'T HAVE FAMINE!!! DON'T HAVE A FOOD SUPPLY EITHER!!! JUST EAT AT McDONALDS IF YOU WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN!!! I MEAN McHEAVEN!!! Ever since McDonalds bought all world right to the Bible, it hasn't been the same. I mean, Jesus looks silly in that baggy yellow suit and big red wig. And he keeps changing loaves and fishes into greasy gray hamburgers, and wine into Shamrock Shakes! Now turning to the lighter side of the news, let's go to The Big Board and put the map in motion for YOUR Headline News Rapture Index! > Record High 174 Record Low 57 1997 High 168 1998 High 174 1999 High 169 > Nov 23 98 Dec 12 93 1997 Low 137 1998 Low 152 1999 Low 164 Hey, wasn't November 23, 1998 the date of the latest Alt.Religion.Kibology Party-Like Event? The one where we covered Matt McIrvin in bubble wrap? That's odd, I don't see Kibology on the list of the 45 warning signs above. Oh, wait -- #11, Leadership. LEADERS ARE BAD!!! LISTEN TO CHRIST WHEN HE SAYS NOT TO LISTEN TO PEOPLE!!! -- K. I'm going to go back and see what that Web page looks like the day after the universe ends. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.psychology.personality,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: What are all these "junk" postings here? Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 22:52:24 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp In soc.psychology.personality, Tammy D. Starosta (tstar@iland.net) wrote: > > I agree Margie!!!! I have looked through a lot of these "newsgroups" and > all I find is babies crying to each other in a group to show how stupid both > of them are!!!! Get on the internet chat line and duke it out! I wanted to > be able to download some INTERSTING news not a slapping party! DITTOW !!!!!11 -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.food.taco-bell,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: TURBIDITAS Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 05:33:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.geo.geology, Candido Garc’a (cgarciaba@nexo.es) wrote: > > Hello to all: I need all the information and documentation possible envelope > urgently TURBIDITAS for an university work. Turbiditas are what Taco Bell is pushing now -- instead of a hard shell the meat-like paste is smeared into a Possible Envelope. -- K. I did not say "Turditas", I did not even think it... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Do What I Say! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 04:54:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [] Hey You! Yes, You! This is Important! You are about to become the newest, most important member of Kibo's D O W H A T I S A Y Club When (not if) you click the link below you will receive a lifetime membership in Kibo's Do What I Say Club. There are no membership fees to pay, no tests to pass, and no way to quit. This is legally binding. And you will click because you can't resist. You would click even if I, Kibo, were not about to tell you what is so right about Kibo's Do What I Say Club. Kibo's Do What I Say Club is the most powerful social force propelling our civilization into the heart of the 21st century. They are a small but loyal group of people whose minds are singly dedicated to one task: Doing what Kibo wants them to do. What, your crazy parents don't think this is a good thing? Well, buckle up, Mom & Pop, because here I shall reveal the benevolent purpose of Kibo's Do What I Say Club. For many years, Kibo has been aware of the same old tired, implausible, stupid "urban legends" and rumors promulgated through the Internet. You know the ones: Sick kid needs postcards blah blah blah, postage stamps contain LSD, Mrs. Fields' cookies cost five hundred bucks each, asbestos causes cancer, etc. Kibo got tired of seeing these same rumors every day and decided to do something to stomp them out for once and for all. And how do you, the intrepid member of Kibo's Do What I Say Club, help expunge these stale rumors from the Internet? All you have to do is spread the NEW rumors that Kibo has devised. These are much better than the old ones because most of them are about Kibo. We need more legends about Kibo. (Some of these legends are not about Kibo, but anything is better than more stories about collecting beer can pull-tabs to get a free dialysis machine with which to wash all the beer out of your bloated kidneys.) THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER! IT IS JUST A LIE! So, here's the deal: You click the button below. Kibo gives you a new urban legend, freshly created this very week. You tell all your friends, former friends, co-workers, competitors, and especially everyone you correspond with on the Internet. And remember, clicking on the button below constitutes a legally-binding contract requiring you to Do What Kibo Says. Now have fun! P.S. Next week you have to come back and do it again. CLICK HERE! AND YOU WILL JOIN KIBO'S DO WHAT I SAY CLUB click! --> http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ <-- click! -- K. P.S. Don't tell rec.org.mensa about this secret link on my Web page. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do What I Say! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 04:54:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > CLICK HERE! AND YOU WILL JOIN > > KIBO'S DO WHAT I SAY CLUB > > > > click! --> http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ <-- click! > > I clicked it and my computer exploded, after www.kibo.com ate my tasty > cheese quesadilla and read my magazines. Were those the kind of quesadillas that have cheese in them? If so, Eww! Sorry. I don't like it when my computer eats cheese. I told it to only eat your food if it's food that tastes good and is good for me and my computer. By the way, it has come to my attention that some of you are not Doing What I Say. And while that's okay -- you're allowed! -- it's also less fun for me. Therefore, if you haven't been there yet, you should go to Kibo's "Do What I Say" Club's Web page and Do What I Say. Also, the special instructions for the club change every week (I think at midnight between Sunday and Monday, if I got the Internet's clock set right) so you're supposed to come back every week to learn MORE things that I say and you will do. And by the way, they're cumulative. So, by the end of the year, you'll be doing at least 52 things I say all day every day! Unless you finish some of them, but what are the chances of that? (If I told everyone on the Internet to kill Bob Hope, someone else would probably do it before you did, so then you'd never be able to kill Bob Hope, so you'd never be able to stop trying! Logic is evil and has no place in modern society!) -- K. http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do What I Say! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 09:48:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > By the way, it has come to my attention that some of you are not > > Doing What I Say. > > Some of us only _got_ our Marching Orders recently! Sah! > > [I seem to have missed DWIS,NWIMs #1 thru 4. Oops.] That's because the fifth week of the year is just ending, and it numbers 'em by the week of the year. And because you're not cool enough to know about #1 through #4 until January 2000. IF THERE IS A JANUARY 2000!!! > Dave "picturing Uncle Fester dumping boiling oil off the top of the Boston > Public Library. With gargoyles. And Wednesday. But not LSB, unless he's > Pugsley." DeLaney Lee S. Bumgarner is too big to be Pugsley. How about Archie Plutonium? And please tell me they're dumping it on Don Saklad. -- K. Lee, if people ever get you down by picking on you unfairly, just be glad you're not Archie. Of course, nobody ever picks on him UNFAIRLY. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.dragons From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: kibo is not real Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 05:19:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology, mujoob@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > james parry is just a fictional charachter from the zimavia trilogy. I don't care what you post, you're NOT going to trick me into reading through any Anne Rice books looking for my name. -- K. Notice that *I* just mentioned *HER* name, so whether or not she mentioned mine this proves I'm at least as culturally "hip" as she is. P.S. Remember when she used to write under her real name, "Anne McCaffrey"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.internet,alt.socient,alt.society.generation-x.ls-bumgarner,alt.society.generation-x.ls-bumgarner From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: NEW SMILEY!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 07:36:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Peope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > "onomatopoetic justice" (rone@ennui.org) wrote: > > > > I just invented a new smiley!! And it's all patented, so you can't > > mess around with it!!! Read it and weep: > > > > :-)-<-D=| I'm wearing Depends(tm) > > > > YOU WISH YOU WERE AS CLEVER AS ME!!!!! > > > D:-)-<-=| I'm pulling the Depends(tm) up over your head in the wedgie > to end all wedgies. > > I CLEVER YOU WISH ME AS YOU!!!!! Eh. Back around 1989 I invented the hippest Gen-X youth-oriented countercultural "groovy" smiley for the slackers in the grunge nineties: [] The Sil Icon. It's the smiley that just doesn't give a damn. Imagine it as being an incredibly compact -- and therefore neutron-star-dense -- representation of a solid block of Cambrian shale fifteen feet on a side, which mysteriously appeared in the middle of your driveway during the night. And your car is somewhere between it and the pavement, in that quarter inch. Also, unlike those boring one-by-four-by-nine Monoliths that we won't have until the distant future year 2001, the Sil Icon makes you DUMBER if you touch it. That's cool. NOT! So it's hip. NOT-NOT!!! I HAVE MY FINGER ON THE PULSE OF THE NATION'S YOUTH AND ON THE RED BUTTON THAT ENDS THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT AND THEY BOTH FEEL ICKY!!! Anyway, my Sil Icon --> [] <-- is twenty thousand times cooler than your sideways adult baby, because it doesn't try to be cool. It just is. It's a block. It's huge. Yet in ASCII hugeness can be conveyed with two keypresses. NO SHIfT kEY NeEDED!!!!1!!!11!111 The Sil Icon is large, in charge, and it's better than diapers. EVERYTHING THAT IS IMPORTANT IS BETTER THAN DIAPERS SO MY SIL ICON IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING OF ALL BECAUSE A BLOCK OF CAMBRIAN SHALE FEETEEN FEET ACROSS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF A COMFY, LIGHT, ABSORBENT, OH-SO-DISPOSABLE DIAPER! THE SIL ICON IS THE LEAST DISPOSABLE OBJECT EVER! IT MAKES A STATEMENT! AND THAT STATEMENT IS SHAPED LIKE A SQUARE! IT'S HIP 'CAUSE IT'S SQUARE! But you still have to look at it sideways. BUT UNLIKE UNCOOL OLD SMILEYS WITH EYES AND STUFF MY SIL ICON GOES EITHER WAY!!! It's so cool it can even add emphasis to any post WITHOUT ANY SHOUTING!!!! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!! --> [] <-- SEE???????????????????????????? You cannot resist sticking your finger into my Sil Icon! And yet you cannot stick your finger into my Sil Icon! Thus the emotional tension of the square -- is it hollow or is it a cube that weighs fifty tons? -- becomes a healthy catharsis which can make even the strongest men cry like babies, which is a lot healthier psychologically than TURNING YOUR HEAD SIDEWAYS TO PRETEND YOU SEE A DIAPER!!!! [] cool. -- K. app[]lause ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.internet From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: NEW SMILEY!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 05:03:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [] > > > > The Sil Icon. It's the smiley that just doesn't give a damn. Imagine it > > as being an incredibly compact -- and therefore neutron-star-dense -- > > representation of a solid block of Cambrian shale fifteen feet on a side, > > which mysteriously appeared in the middle of your driveway during the night. > > I always imagined it appearing below the words "ATARI COMPUTER - MEMO PAD". Yes, Matt, I'm sure you have a fifteen-foot cube of Camrbian shale in your driveway right below an enormous neon sign saying "ATARI COMPUTER - MEMO PAD - ALSO THE POPE LIVES HERE - AND HE'S MADE OF CANDY." And then every day after school you get home just in time to see one of the 10,000 new episodes of NBC's "seaQuest DSV" produced by The Matt McIrvin Channel which gave you your own show which you watch 24 hours a day while also appearing on it 24 hours a day to amuse yourself and they show you in half the screen and "seaQuest DSV" in the other half and it'll never ever get cancelled because you're the President Pope and so you made a law and a Commandment too which says not to ever ever ever cancel "seaQuest DSV", and your block of shale is an Atari Computer which IS TOO a real computer!!! I think you may be delusional. Your imagination is too healthy for you to be sane. -- K. My favorite character in the Atari 800 font was control-T, the giant off-center dot which lined up with the lowercase letters to make it look like you forgot to punch out the hole in the "o". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Is it just me or have twinkies gotten smaller these last few years? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 07:41:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Aaron Lance (aaron-lance@home.com) wrote: > > Subject: Is it just me or have twinkies gotten smaller these last few years? > > Well have they? That would mean... that they've made some new ones. My theory is that they stopped making them in 1965, and they finally sold all the relatively recent ones, so the ones you see now were dug up in the back of a warehouse where they had been stored since between the two Roosevelt presidencies. You see, the Twinkies coporation actually made them LARGER in 1924, because they knew that someday they would be in this situation and you would expect them to get smaller in the future so they had to resize them backwards to keep you from thinking time was going the wrong way. Which it does if you eat them. -- K. Is it just me or is alt.religion.kibology attracting lots of people named Aaron these days, and are they getting smaller? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.y2k.end-of-the-world,alt.stupidity From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Rep. Linder Proposes New Year's Day to be Jan. 3, 2000 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 03:42:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In a very expensive newsgroup, "NB / WAS" (newsbytes@clari.net) wrote: > > WASHINGTON, DC, U.S.A., 1999 JAN 28 (NB) -- > A new bill introduced at the opening of the 106th Congress > proposes that America shouldn't break out the bubbly until Jan. 2. > House Rules and Organization Subcommittee Chairman John Linder, > R-Ga., said that the New Year's Day holiday should be moved to Jan. > 3, 2000, to give businesses an extra day to repair failed computer > systems that break down because of the Year 2000 problem. "Uh... duh?" Why not just declare that there will be no January 1, 2000, so that the problem won't happen? Better yet, just skip the entire month of January. To avoid screwing up the calendar, replace it with another month of equal value, like Doguary or Slarch. > In a statement released Wednesday, Linder said "We are not certain > what the extent of the Y2K problem will be at the beginning of the > Year 2000. Fortunately, in 2000, we have a few days to recover after > the Y2K problem hits because Jan. 1 falls on Saturday. However, we > lose one potential additional day because the New Year's Day federal > holiday -- by law -- must be observed on the previous Friday, Dec. > 31, 1999." And to insure Y2K compliance, not only must it be observed THE PREVIOUS FIRDAY, it must also be observed ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO! Unless there was no Friday in 1899, in which case the world is saved. I PROPOSE WE BAN FRIDAY FOREVER!!!! > In what he called a "modest proposal" for coping with the Year 2000 > problem, Linder said "It is not a silver bullet to solve the problem. "Uh... duh-huh!" > It is vital that all businesses and government agencies continue to > mobilize and work to repair computers in the remaining...days before > the Y2K problem strikes." ONLY DOT DOT DOT DAYS BEFORE Y2K!!! THEN ONLY DOT DOT DOT DAYS UNTIL ZYRA!!! (I recall seeing "When Worlds Collide" around age eight and wondering, when all the leading scientists in the world agreed that the Earth was going to crash into another planet in a month or two, why they wasted all that time mass-producing those tear-off-a-sheet-every-day calendars that said "37 DAYS UNTIL ZYRA" in progressively larger letters every day. I recall that the calendars were accompanied by big posters mandating that nobody was allowed to waste any time.) > The bill, House Joint Resolution 14, "simply ensures that businesses, > the public and computer experts have an additional 24 hours to > respond to problems that may arise." You know, this wouldn't be an issue if any of the leading computer experts of the world had warned us about The Y2K Bug before January 1999!!!!! I AM BRINGING A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT AGAINST ALL THE COMPUTER SCIENTISTS IN THE WORLD!!! WHEN I GET THEM ALL PILED UP ON THE WITNESS STAND I WILL POINT OUT TO THE COURT THAT THEY AREN'T EVEN REAL SCIENTISTS!!!! > A spokesman for Linder told Newsbytes that his office is expecting > a flood of press inquiries after a segment on his resolution aired > on CNN's Moneyline program last night. This "could be a good or a bad > thing," he said. "Duh... uh?" > Reported by Newsbytes News Network, http://www.newsbytes.com . Big deal. Newsbytes should cover more important matters, like the fact that I have just patented the world's first Y2K-compliant smiley! _________________ "" \ / \ / / ( PATENT PENDING! =--- :-)-----< \_________________/ \ \ "" / See? Each of his hands has FOUR DIGITS! Also he has special shoes that are halfway between big floppy clown shoes and pointy curly jester shoes so he's even funnier than an old-fashioned analog clown. -- KIBO, THE NANO-CLOWN ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Rep. Linder Proposes New Year's Day to be Jan. 3, 2000 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 04:47:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > _________________ "" \ > > / \ / / > > ( PATENT PENDING! =--- :-)-----< > > \_________________/ \ \ > > "" / > > I am deeply offended by this slur against America's sensory homunculi. Meanwhile, in economics news, America's national organism is doing just fine, but America's sensory homunculus may or may not have developed a distended lower lip, depending on whether it's supposed to be eight or nine miles across. Also, Usenet's sensorimotor homunculus looks like this: comp \|/ /- _ / / \ misc / | | sci / \_/ () \ / / __ -- )-------< alt not shown as senorimotor homunculi / \ / \ \ never have any genitals. Also not soc | | \ \ shown: that bird that flew into \__/ \_ /\ sci and got trapped, and the talking /|\ \/ talk strip of superintelligent bacon. news What's more fun is when the psychology textbooks show the homunculus curled around the hemispheres of your brain and every part of the homunculus is rubbing up against the corresponding part of your brain, and again, thank the lord your homunculus has no genitals. Anyway, if you don't like that page of the elementary psychology textbook, just turn the page to see how the Necker cube proves that all reality is subjective, then look at the four paintings of pretty kitties done by that person who gradually went insane but really liked cats. Necker cube in ASCII: [] <-- HA! It looks like you're looking at the front OR the back but you have no idea which so your tiny brain thinks it's seeing both! THIS CUBE IS WACKY! And the four cat paintings look like this: /\/\/\^ \ ^ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ |\/| \\// <---|-->\|-> /Alvord.Kill Whos Hours? \ =OO= >oO< <--@@-----> \O___Blartor wowe R.hictar!/ \/ /\/\ /| /v /_________Line 32 in editor\ v/\/\/\/\/\/ \SINCERELY, MANLEY HUBBELL_/ 1980 1987 1992 1999 -- K. I swear that I respect him so much for coining the useful word "O____Blartor". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.addams From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Addams Family House in Boston? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 03:48:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theo Mora (theomora@math.fsu.edu) wrote: > > Excuse me, could somebody please help me? > I was visitng Boston two days ago and I found there a house which looks > exactly like the one of the Addams Family. > Is it possible to visit it? > It is the house where they shot the stories or just a copy? > Thanks > > Teo Mora > Never travel West in the evening, nor East in the morning Hey, Theo, you spelled your name wrong. Chris Rondeau (rondeau@isds-server.jpl.nasa.gov) wrote: > > The Addams Family was filmed at a house in Griffith Park in Los > Angeles. > The house was torn down about 6 years ago. I know, 'cause I have one > of the stairs. It's possible that the house in Boston was the > inspiration for the TV House, shrug I didn't see it when I was there. > > Chris It wasn't torn down, it was carefully taken apart and all the pieces were numbered, then they were sent to Boston. I keep hearing rumors that some eccentric nut job or other guy lives there. The house fits in surprisingly well with the rest of the neighborhood in Beacon Hill. -- K. Proving rocket scientists wrong for over 30 years ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Radiance Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 03:51:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Francesco Benvenuto (frances+usenet@fis.unico.it) wrote: > > Also I would like confirmation to the rumour I've heard about > Archimedes Plutonium being reclassified from a nut to a berry. No, he's reclassified anti-protons as berries. You're confusing that with the recent dictum from President Reagan that ketchup is the King Of Science. -- K. Then Ron and Archie sat on the floor twirling their microwaved spaghetti in cups of ketchup, and talking about the nature of the Universe. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Radiance Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 05:12:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Francesco Benvenuto (frances+usenet@fis.unico.it) wrote: > > > > KIBO TURNIING INTO A MONOMANIACAL LOON OBSESSED WITH STALKING > > ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM DID NOT HELP! DID NOT HELP AT ALL! > > Kibo is not stalking Archimedes Plutonium. I am. Unfortunately, I'm > also too lazy to actually do it, which is why no one will ever notice. You see, as Francesco said, you're OBSESSED WITH stalking Archie, so you sit there thinking about it 24 hours a day, which doesn't leave you any time to do it. Me, I'm completely disinterested, which leaves me with lots of free time to actually do it. I mean it would if I did. And if I wasn't obsessed with not stalking Archie. > Also what is this about Kibo wearing a monocle. I know he wears a gas > mask. Does he wear the monocle under the gas mask? Does he wear a gas > mask with one eye hole popped out, to resemble a monocle? Wouldn't that > make the gas mask useless? It's an opaque black monocle to make me look dangerous, like the Hathaway Shirt Man. HATHAWAY SHIRT MAN: "Halt! I am the man from Hathaway!" CROOK: "Curses! It eez zee Hathaway Shirt Man! He is a handsome male model who lost an eye in a fight with another male model!" (runs away) TONTO (pointing): "He went hath-a-way!" HATHAWAY SHIRT MAN: "Ha! He can't escape, I'll call The Man From Glad on my cellular phone to cut him off!" (Hathaway Shirt Man dials. SWISH-PAN to Peter Graves wearing a silver Nehru jumpsuit, flying a folding helicopter made of invisible plastic.) MAN FROM GLAD: "Hmm... a dangerous crook is on the loose. Looks like I'll have to PUT THE BAG ON HIM!" (He holds up a small Baggie with "DANGER: RISK OF SUFFOCATION -- KEEP AWAY FROM BABIES AND CROOKS" printed on it. He crosses out the warning and drops it from the helicopter. It gently floats to the ground. The crook bends over to pick it up, and dies instantly when he touches it. The Hathaway Shirt Man strolls into view, wearing his eye path over the wrong eye.) HATHAWAY SHIRT MAN: "I salute you, Man From Glad!" MAN FROM GLAD: "And I salute you, Hathaway Shirt Man!" (Tonto looks down at the crook and the plastic bag lying on the ground, and a tear runs down his cheek. CUT TO commercial.) -- K. And they tell two friends, and they tell two friends, and they tell two friends, BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO USE OUR SHAMPOO NEVER HAVE A THIRD FRIEND!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.stupidity From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Computers is st00pid! Programmers is st00pider! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 04:17:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, so I was looking at the Web site of a major utility company trying to see if I could do things like look at my bill or order service on-line. They wanted me to type in my phone number, because the phone number uniquely identifies a person these days, and because they presumably have records of who has what phone number because I'M TALKING ABOUT THE PHONE COMPANY HERE!!!!!! So anyway, they gave me a blank space exactly wide enough to type "(666) 123-4567" into. And it didn't work. Because I typed "(666) 123-4567", because that's my phone number. (At least here on Sesame Street, which is like Tee-Vee Land, except all the phone numbers are in the "123" exchange instead of "555".) Turns out they required me to retype it with (a) no hyphen, b no parentheses, and cnospaces. So let me get this straight. They have a honking big computer that has a list of the phone numbers of everyone on the east coast, and they record every phone call ever made and who and when and where so they can bill me in fractions of a cent, and yet they can't look me up because the computer is too dumb to realize that blank spaces are not digits? When exactly did parentheses become meaningful to the telephone system, anyway? I don't recall ever having a long distance call not complete because I didn't dial parentheses around the area code. And of course they made the blank exactly long enough for "(666) 123-4567", not exactly long enough for "6661234567", which incidentally IS A FIXED LENGTH! Wouldn't it have been less work for the phone company to have told the computer "THROW AWAY THE SPACES, YOU PINHEADED MAINFRAME" rather than writing the page of help which explains (a) no hyphen, b no parentheses, and cnospaces? WHOOPS, I JUST USED A QUESTION MARK!!! HOPE I DIDN'T CRASH YOUR INTERNET!!! -- K. ??????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????? ????b????????????????????e????? ?????????????????t????????????? ???????????i??????????????????? ??????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????? ????????m?????????????????????? ????????????????????e?????????? ??????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????? ??????????????????????????????? P.S. The same company also only supports high-speed Internet access from Windows computers and iMacs -- not regular Macs -- because fruit-flavored iMacs are more powerful than any other kind of Mac which doesn't come in five candy colors, and because they have their Ethernet addresses printed on a sticker on the outside just like your ordinary Windows machine. Here on Sesame Street in Fantasyland. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.stupidity From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Computers is st00pid! Programmers is st00pider! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 08:03:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor doctoraaron@mindless.com, still trying to hide his shameful WebTV ownership by using a different E-mail address and acting intelligent and stuff, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, so I was looking at the Web site of a major utility company trying > > to see if I could do things like look at my bill or order service on-line. > > > > [stuff about how Bell Axolotl aka Nonoxynol-9-X is clueless about computers] > > I think I got you beat, buddy. My telco: > [...] > requires us to use our Member Number in all correspondence, because they "are > not able to search the records by that information [name or > _telephone_number_]" Sub-note: This member number is 12 digits long, yet > Alaska has only 600,000 inhabitants, and when you factor in the number of > people in any given household and how many people live out in the wilderness > [there's quite a lot of them here] without a phone, I reckon you'd have a > better chance at guessing my credit card number! My fone records are safe > forever! Even from me! > > WAAAAHHH!! I forgot my member number! I can't find out how much my bill is! > Now I'll just have to send them all of my money and ask them to send back > whatever they think I deserve. I recently opened an account at an Internet provider which is one of my employers' main competitors -- the one I would consider the most respectable, and certainly the most customer-friendly -- just to compare for a few days. (I concluded that, while they had much better customer service, because you could manage your accounting information entirely through a Web page and at our place you have to talk to a HUMAN BEING, their Usenet news feed wasn't as good as ours. For instance, they only keep alt.religion.kibology articles for five days, we keep 'em for seven. Also when I tested their tech support people on the phone, after punching in my twenty-or-so digit "PIN Number", and listening to a recording about their merger, and navigating the phone tree, I reached a tech support person who was completely clueless about the existence of Usenet and told me they didn't carry alt.*, comp.*, or sci.*.) Anyhow, after I played with the account for a little while I went back to their convenient Web site to click on the large friendly "CANCEL MY ACCOUNT" button (which was only one click away from the main page! Let's see WebTV make it that easy to cancel your account) it asked for my password and then asked me why I was cancelling my account. There were about a dozen choices. The second one was "This account was created by accident." OH NO!!! MY HAND SLIPPED AND ACCIDENTALLY TYPED MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER IN AND PICKED A NAME AND A PASSWORD AND READ THROUGH THE LEGAL AGREEMENT AND AGREED TO THE AGREEMENT AND THEN SAID IT WAS OKAY TO BILL MY CREDIT CARD $6.44 TO CREATE THE ACCOUNT!!! AND THEN I ACCIDENTALLY GOT A PASSPORT AFTER ACCIDENTALLY WAITING IN LINE FOR THREE HOURS RIGHT AFTER I ACCIDENTALLY PAID TWENTY BUCKS FOR A TINY POLAROID PHOTO!!! AND THEN I ACCIDENTALLY RODE A ROLLER COASTER FOR SIX HOURS!!! AND THEN I THREW UP ON PURPOSE!!! So anyway, I am going to suggest that my employer, when people cancel their Internet accounts, make them fill out a form that says: (CHECK ONE) I AM CANCELLING MY ACCOUNT BECAUSE: [ ] I OPENED IT BY ACCIDENT BECAUSE I AM A TOTAL BOZO [ ] I AM CANCELLING MY ACCOUNT BY ACCIDENT BECAUSE I AM A TOTAL BOZO -- K. I HAVE JUST ACCEPTED THAT I HONESTLY LIKE TYPING IN ALL CAPITALS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Froo-froo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 05:51:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > I have more body wash girly gel crap than any one girl should own in her > lifetime. You should only own it after you're dead. > I've had these here since my last December, when they were bestowed upon me > by a relative. Who smelled glossy. > Bless her heart and all, but ... what the hell am I going to do with all > this gel?? Who do I look like, Marion Ross? > It comes in all these colors, too. With names like "English Mist" and > "Cranberry Autumn ". All colors are pearlescent and pastel, just as they > should be for a proper girlie. ...but they were given to you instead. > Five tubes of this stuff, though? Perhaps she assumes I have a compulsive > bathing disorder. You gotta use different scents of soap for different parts of your body. Otherwise you'll wind up smelling the same all over. This way if someone says "Pee-you! You smell like _________!" you can just turn around and say "No I don't, I smell like _________!" and then the other person will have to say "Waah! You have pummeled me into the ground by proving I am only as intelligent as an inanimate sponge sold for dishwashing! Now I am required by law to eat worms forever! The End!" > Does this mean that I'll have to go purchase one of those non-sponge > scrunchy novelty foo-foo scrubber things to use with the gel? Because > clearly, a washcloth is far too dull for lavender pearlescent body wash > called "Lilac Breeze". If it's too girle for you, just put the accent on the middle syllable. pear-LES-cent. > You know the stretchy plastic weave material they make those scrunchy > scrubbers out of? You mean the filling in the new "Crispy M&Ms"? The oddly asymmetrical ones made entirely from rice bran and air and no candy? The sort of snack food they can only introduce once a year (like "Smoky BBQ Doritos") because people are only stupid enough to buy this sort of stuff the week of the Super Bowl? > Did anyone else's grandparents have pictures on their > bathroom walls made of that? a vague memory I have somewhere around 1972. I'm just quietly suffering psychic damage trying to imagine what Holly Hobbie would look like without that giant muffin hat, thank you very much. Also, I bet your grandma had (a) a toilet paper cozy shaped like a chicken (b) a tea cozy shaped like a toilet paper cozy (c) ribbon candy and horehound candy and root beer barrels and spearmint leaves and licorice allsorts, which are all the same sort, but absolutely no horehound barrels, spearmint ribbons, or licorice AllSport. (c) varicose veins. (d) and everything in the house was covered with those little metal hooks just like the back of grandma's bra. > The end. > now. > right here. > Here ------>. That reminds me. Was Don Knotts on "Three's Company" before or after John Ritter finally admitted he really was gay? -- K. Or am I thinking of that other show, "The All-New All-Gay Knight Rider '86"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.physics.fusion,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: THE LAST FUSION PLACE ON EARTH; new allegorical movie Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 06:58:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.physics and sci.physics.fusion, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Many of my readers know I believe in superdeterminism. Actually, I thought you were Wonder Woman. But one superhero's pretty much the same as the other to me, especially if their secret identity is a deranged dishwasher who thinks his head is full of plutonium. > [...blath...] > > But still, the other racers are mindlessly racing to their freezing > muon doom or their fiery hot plasma doom. I really liked that "Space: 1999" episode where Muonbase Mu got flung into the freezing muon doom while the tough coughed as he ploughed the doom. > [...blather...] > > I wrote in other posts that a world with so many ironies in life is > a sign of a Creator. Or at least that he has a much better sense of humor than you do. (He must have a pretty good sense of humor. After all, he created you.) > [...blathest...] > > THE LAST FUSION PLACE ON EARTH is an allegory movie. Allegories. > Instead of dog sled teams pulling across the ice, show lasers or plasma > scurrying around in circles. Arch... I hate to tell you this... but lasers don't have paws. SORRY IF I JUST RUINED YOUR TRILLION-DOLLAR MOVIE!!! -- K. BUT I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY ANYHOW!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics.fusion From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: #5 Fusion Barrier Law prohibit Matter-Antimatter power plants? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 07:04:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor sci.physics.particle, sci.energy, sci.physics.fusion, sci.astro, Fred McGalliard (frederick.b.mcgalliard@boeing.com) wrote: > > Not quite true. The sun is a really dirty plasma YOU MUST BE OVER 18 TO LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN!!! > and it radiates it's energy very rapidly. It is also very diffuse, > relativly speaking. If it wasn't so very very large, it wouldn't > even fizzle at the temperature it is at now. Not even if we dropped a couple of Fizzies tablets into it? We could construct some Fizzies five hundred miles across in orbit around the Moon and then hurl them into the Sun with a big slingshot made out of all the rubber bands in the world tied together, assuming that none of the fifty billion rubber bands is all rotten and fragile at the moment. Maybe this is a bad idea. Let's use a Slinky instead. > So even if we could duplicate the sun's confinement and > temperature, we would have to return such a vast amount of heat to keep > the plasma hot, and we would get so little energy out of it, that our > power plant would have to be really gigantic. We need a cleaner, hotter, > and much dinser plasma. NEW DINSER PLASMA! IN EVERY CAN OF DINSY MOORE BEEF STEW! (The giant bloody thumbprint on the can means it has sharp edges.) -- K. You realize I only read the above article because it was in a serious discussion started accidentally by Archie Plutonium. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Germans discover the connection between Kibo and Martin Landau! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 07:34:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Now, I have nothing against Martin Landau, even if I'm married to his ex-wife. After all, he and I have a lot in common, like, we both hate his ex-wife. But leave it to the Germans to come up with a SINISTER CONSPIRACY THEORY and to try to hide it from me by only talking about it in GERMAN so that I can't tell if it's a SINISTER CONSPIRACY THEORY or not, which proves that it's a SINISTER CONSPIRACY THEORY!!! I was at a Web page at the address http://www.diakonissenkrankenhaus-speyer.de/fr-zentren.htm ...I forget how I got there, I think I was just typing in random strings of nonsense and "diakonissenkrankenhaus" came up. And the Web page had this title: > Diakoniezentren,Speyer,Landau,Kibo,Homburg,Bad Bergzabern,Ludwigshafen ^^^^^^^^^^^ LANDAU COMMA KIBO! DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU THINK? BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD I COULD HAVE BEEN THE COMMANDER OF MOONBASE ALPHA!!! I forget what they call "Space: 1999" in Germany. It's "Spazio: 1999" in Italy and "Cosmos: 1999" (with Carl Sagan!) in France, and some abstract squiggles followed by ": 1999" in Japan. So, anyway, I read this page trying to figure out what the deal is with me and Martin Landau, and they seem to be running a chain of boarding and discipline hospitals in a bunch of towns with names like Landau, but I couldn't find any Kibo unless they're abbreviating Kirchheim-Bolanden, and would people who have a Web site named www.diakonissenkrankenhaus-speyer.de abbreviate anything? I THINK NOT! EVER! I kept reading, but I kept coming across words I didn't know, like "Pflegeheimen" and "Aussendung" and "Pflegekostentarif" and "Hals-Nasen-Ohren Heilkunde" and "Gummikrankenschwester mit Gummizwangsjacke" so I had to keep making up my own meanings for them, so I pretended they were talking about dirty stuff, because any words that long are inherently erotic, especially if there are photos of German nurses standing in a hospital shaped like Dracula's castle. Eventually I found a link to http://www.diakonissenkrankenhaus-speyer.de/fr-kibola.htm ^^^^^^ QUICK! ADMIT ME TO THE KRANKENHAUS! I'VE CONTRACTED THE KIBOLA VIRUS! It's like that one from Tamlyn Tomita's "The Burning Zone" only instead of making your whole body explode without a trace, it makes you unable to understand German-language Web pages that talk about you behind your back. To Martin Landau. So I'd just like to say to the people exposing the sinister conspiracy involving me, Martin Landau, and German nurses, PLEASE EXPLAIN MY CONSPIRACY TO ME! Otherwise I'll stop playing along. -- K. I'm STILL upset that the "FX" channel never shows the "Mission: Impossible" episode where Martin Landau played Hitler, and I know it exists because Bravo showed the clip on "Inside The Actors' Studio", which means he must be proud of being such a good Hitler. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Germans discover the connection between Kibo and Martin Landau! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 00:58:09 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theo Mora (theomora@math.fsu.edu) wrote: > > M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote > > > > our Anadian friend Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > > > > > I forgot to say that the French version of the "V" mini-series (of > > > which Kibo has probably seen a couple of episodes) was called "C" for > > > Cosmos, here. > > > > > > That's also one of the reasons why Smurfs are called "Schtroumpfs" and > > > not "Chtroumpfs", because we're afraid of capital C's. > > > > TRUE FACT: In Mexico, Smurfs are called "Petufos." > > If what you call "Smurfs" are those funny blue dwarves, their name in > Italy is "Puffi". > If not "Puffi" is the Italian name of those funny blue dwarves which you don't > call "Smurfs" In my country, we don't call them anything, because we don't have Smurfs. My country is just like the United States only it doesn't have Smurfs running around so it's obviously much better. Also taxes are 500% higher but they go to enforcing the NO SMURFS law so people willingly overpay. Also my country has a two-drink minimum, and ladies get in free! -- K. AND CAPITAL Cs ABOUND BECAUSE COOKIE MONSTER IS OUR MINSTER OF THE LETTER C!!! YAYYYY!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Germans discover the connection between Kibo and Martin Landau! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 09:11:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > The original series of Star Trek was called "La Patrouille du Cosmos", up > here. And many years later, when someone refers to Star Trek using its > French title, I always think of "Cosmos: 1999" instead, and I think this > person (usually a reporter) is a loser, for he can't see the difference > between "Space: 1999" and "Star Trek", which is almost as bad as > confusing "La Patrouille du Cosmos" and "La Guerre des ƒtoiles". > > [...] > > I forgot to say that the French version of the "V" mini-series (of > which Kibo has probably seen a couple of episodes) was called "C" for > Cosmos, here. But... but... that ruins the "V for Victory" business and means that Winston Churchill will have to start making obscene hand gestures in parts of the English-speaking world, and then Richard Nixon will start imitating him and will flash an obscene two-hander to signify his victory as he gets into the plane after he resigns moments before his impending impeachment. YOU'VE RUINED HISTORY FOREVER!!! Also, the Morse code version of "C" wouldn't be anything as cool as Beethoven's Fifth, which in Roman numerals is also "V". "C" is 100 in Roman numerals, so in Morse code it would probably be something like dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot DOOT ...or was that the song Sesame Street always played about the grid of yellow dots where the one at the end was always so defective that it made me cry when I was three? -- K. I'M STILL THREE! IN ROMAN NUMERALS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: address of Monolith Internet Services and Pathlink Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 08:24:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I sent a letter to Monolith given this address: > > Monolith Internet Services > Box 8159 > Pittsburgh Pa 15217 > > It bounced. Anyone have the real address? Dude, they have this thing now, it's called E-mail. I think that maybe, just maybe, Monolith Internet Services might be "on" E-mail. > Have they been bought out, or > moved, or are they merely shellgame-boilerplate-name-companies? You should become a subscriber. Then when they send you your first bill and you mail it back with full payment, all you have to do is follow it! Then we'll see who the sucker is! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND MONOLITH INTERNET SERVICES, BUT ONLY TO ARCHIE! By the way, who are Monolith Internet Services? > Or should I get the sheriff to serve the letter? I don't know how you'd get him into the P.O. box. Have you considered just serving the letter yourself? I'm sure actually serving something would be a welcome change of pace from just washing the dishes the waiters serve. > Same thing happened with Pathlink address: > > Pathlink Technology > 1000 Escalon Ave. > Sunnyvale, Ca 94086 Please note that Sunnyvale is neither sunny nor a vale. However, it used to be the headquarters of Atari. I think that you are the first to discover that Pathlink, whoever they are, are secretly owned by Atari! > I need to document miscreant ISP companies that have no "functional > abuse desk" and who allow sysadmin to use their facilities to "freely > harrass the general public" with things such as search-engine-bombing. > Persons such as Sam and Lionel Lauer and Rich Lafferty and Riboflavin. > Gangs of sysadmin that attack private citizens on the Internet. Are you still sticking to your theory that everyone on the Internet is a sysadmin except you, and that NASA is out to get you? I mean, if you're scared of NASA, that's like being afraid of wax paper. By the way, let me know how that lawsuit you brought against me comes out. I'm afraid I shan't be appearing in court when it comes to trial because you seem to have neglected to send me any papers. But I'm sure the judge will accept your explanation that you didn't need to involve any parties other than yourself in your lawsuit against everyone on the Earth. I also liked how you described, in exquisite detail, your choice of typefaces for the invisible lawsuit you didn't actually file. Maybe you should consider filing your next pretend lawsuit in the form of an imaginary sitcom. Instead of defendants, we could all be wacky neighbors! -- K. Archie is good with all sorts of imaginary things, except the parts of math involving imaginary numbers. Or real ones. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: address of Monolith Internet Services and Pathlink Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sat, 30 Jan 1999 08:47:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > I sent a letter to Monolith given this address: > > > > Monolith Internet Services > > Box 8159 > > Pittsburgh Pa 15217 > > > > It bounced. Anyone have the real address? The fun part of this is that he couldn't even figure out how to find their Web site. (Don't tell him the secret of how to use the Internet!) Monolith's site says in large print: --> Monolith Internet Services would like to announce it's --> SHUTDOWN --> due to technical and organizational problems, including a complete --> server failure. Depending on which project, the shutdown will affect --> you differently... --> --> Final Shutdown Date: Dec 18, 1998 ("SHUTDOWN" is in huge letters on a line by itself.) "Sorry, all you people who had Web pages on our site, we never bothered making any backups of the server we let random people use, and it broke, and then there was a mysterious fire caused by someone smoking in bed with the computer. Bye!" (Actually, they seem to have recovered their files, but it's still silly of an Internet provider to go out of business with what amounts to "our computer broke and we can't afford to fix it." I'm sure they're having lots of flashbacks to when they yelled at the computer salesman, "HA! WE DON'T NEED A SERVICE CONTRACT, BECAUSE WE'RE COMPUTER WHIZZES!") So anyway, it'll be interesting to see how long it takes Archie to figure out that he's filing his imaginary lawsuit against a nonexistent company, which is a lot weirder than filing imaginary suits against real companies. --> We will resume answering email in a limited fashion in February 1999. "Sorry, we will only answer the E-mail we want to answer, and that's none." (Hmm, I think I'm using a similar strategy these days.) Anyway, if they're sitting there busily not reading their mail until next month, now that they shut down permanently last year after their computer exploded, if they do happen to get an imaginary lawsuit from Archie, I'm sure it would be just the thing to brighten their day. Heck, if I were them, I'd go back into business just so that Archie could pretend to sue! -- K. Anyway, let that be a lesson to you: Always choose an Internet provider that doesn't rely on just one computer. Better yet, avoid computer problems altogether by choosing a provider that doesn't have ANY computers! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: T. J. Cinnamon's Mocha Chill Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 03:43:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Andrew Luck (awluck@mindspring.com) wrote: > > Anecdotal evidence that the apocalypse is at hand: > > Arby's on Howell Mill Road, just south of intersection with I-75 in NW > Atlanta. The store carries the line of T. J. Cinnamon's products. A > new product, called Mocha Chill, a syrup-like coffee concoction on ice > with artificial whipped cream on top. This product is being advertised > with hanging cardboard signs inside the store. > > At the bottom of the signs are the tag line: "You're allowed". > > Holy K! You're Allowed! > > WHO THE HELL GAVE THOSE PEOPLE PERMISSION TO TELL ANYBODY "YOU"RE > ALLOWED". > > Is nothing holy?! The scary part of this is that when I first read this article the Subject: header said "T.J. Cinnamon's Mocha Chili". Mmm, cinnamon-coffee flavored chili. WITH A MILD BROWN CHILI FLAVOR!!! And that you called Arby's a "store". Arby's ain't a store! It's the opposite of a garbage disposal. Re T. J. Cinnamon's coporate empire, my local mall just has the cheap imitation Cinnabon store, which is in no way affiliated with T. J. Hooker or T. J. Maxx. This mall also has the One Hour Photo which took a month and a half to lose my PhotoCD, and the Arby's where I saw the guy trying to return a baked potato because it was an odd color and the manager looked for another one and then confessed "They all look the same, would you like curly fries instead?" PROOF POSITIVE ARBY'S CURLY FRIES ARE NOT MADE FROM POTATOES!!! (I mean, if they use the gross-looking potatoes as baked potatoes, imagine what they must chop up to make the french fries...) Anyway, I will give you a fifty-cent Arby's gift certificate for T. J. Hooker's Mocha Chili if you can get me a nice photo of the copyright violation in question. -- K. Note that I didn't come up with "You're Allowed", I was just the most allowed person at the time that Tim Gallagher & Todd McComb said it to me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: T. J. Cinnamon's Mocha Chill Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 09:21:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Birmingham Gremlin (of no fixed address) wrote: > > > > I've been in the US 9 months now but have yet go to Arby's. Am I missing > > anything? > > The first half of an Arby's sandwich tastes good. > > The second half does not. > > I don't know why. Because it makes you say "EWW! YUK! BLARG! BARF-O! VOMITROCIOUS!", that's why it does not taste good. I mean, DUH-HUH!!! I apologize for reminding you that "vomitrocious" was a word from back when we all spoke Valley Girl talk all the time during a week in the eighties. > If you don't like it, you can go back where you came from. So which came first, the chicken or the egg, and where would you tell it to go if you didn't wuv it? I think it would be cool if, one day, scientists found a way to create chickens from scratch (sorry) and eggs from their basic chemical constituents and kept churning out parentless eggs and chickens just to ensure that I can be the last one to refer to that lame old thought problem. Also, you know the one where you rearrange the strips of cardboard and one of the 13 leprechauns disappears? It's because... LEPRECHAUNS AREN'T REAL!!! And remember the Monty Hall problem that Marilyn vos Savant couldn't solve, and vice versa? I've seen every episode of that game show and that exact situation never came up and so I say the probability of picking the special door is zero because IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!! IT WAS JUST FICTION, NOT ENTERTAINMENT!!!! -- K. ALSO THEY COULDN'T CHANGE THE PART IN HIS HAIR!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Logical Progressions Of Love. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 05:20:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stage one: Love. Stage 2: LUV. Stage 3: WUV. Stage 4: WURV. Stage 5: WURrRrRrRV. <--(Kate Hepburn vibrato) What comes after the wobbly wurrrrrrv? Also, does this series extend infinitely in both directions, or is there nothing worse than correctly-spelled love? -- K. I THINK ABOUT QUESTIONS LIKE THIS ALL DAY, EXCEPT I NEVER THINK ABOUT THIS ONE, JUST SIMILAR ONES. WHICH ARE BETTER. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Logical Progressions Of Love. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 13:11:44 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Tetris is a very Freudian game, if you think about it. I don't know, I don't think you can actually have sex if you think about video games a lot. Also, you spelled 'Tetris' wrong by writing the 'r' backwards. > The highest-scoring action one can perform is a Tetris, which is when > four lines are cleared at once. And by definition, this involves > taking the straight four-tiles-long piece and inserting it skillfully > into a tight, carefully-prepared column on the playfield. So you're saying that an orgasm is exactly the same as some squares blinking on and off while a tiny speaker goes "GLOIK!!!"? I hope you never get to Pac-Man. Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) replied: > > That's not a definition you DOLT! That's a theorem. But a theorem is just any definition which uses the words "like" or "as". I think you meant that it was a lemma. That's also the path the Sun takes as it orbits the Earth over the Atlantic ocean, which is why figure skaters always make 8's, because that's the same shape the sun makes as it whizzes around every day. > Apart from that, your analysis is completely correct. I refer you to > Dydo, Kagome and Pokka's seminal article in "Transactions of the Royal > Society for the Advancement of Rad-E-Qool Gamez", 28 (1996) p. 144. Tetris isn't RAD-I-KQQL, you BQZQ, it's a THINKING MAN'S game! Now, Backslappers, that was a RAD-I-KQQL game. > My favorite version of Tetris is the one which always presents you > with the pessimal piece. Which is six units square. And the well is five units wide. And when it hits the bottom you get an electric shock. And it shows you a picture of a fluffy white rat when that happens. And then you have to sit in Santa's lap. And it's electrified too. > I almost proved that Tetris was unwinnable > on a 2n-wide well once (the 2n+1 case is trivial), but then I was > struck by lightning and erased three zeroes from the blackboard in > my fall, so I would actually have needed a cannon ONE MILLION MILLION > times more powerful. Aren't you that guy who tried to get out of the speeding ticket by explaining that the Doppler shift made the red light seem green because you were going 50,000,000,000 miles per hour? -- K. While flooring the gas pedal in high heels! And stepping on white mice! That were playing video games! It's the fetish so kinky it could only be on the Internet! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: couch of the lupus. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 09:31:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > My couch has been DISEMBOWELED by a bunny rabbit. That's what you get for buying a couch designed by H. R. Giger and slipcovers by David Cronenberg. COUCH GUTS ALL OVER!!! > DAMN YOU JOE BAY! DAMN YOU AND DeForest Kelley ALL TO HELLL!!!! You're confusing Joe Bay with Alex Suter, who was in that movie with DeForest Kelley, "Night Of The Lupus". Also, it was recently pointed out to me that the ancient Greeks thought that bunnies grew an extra anus every year (I would have guessed that the anus fell off each winter and then a new hole grew before the rabbit exploded, but apparently they stacked up cumulatively) and that you shouldn't eat weasels because they give birth through their ears. Personally, I think this would mean they'd be okay to eat except for the ears. And for the fact that they're rank stringy disease-ridden weasels. Ever notice that the Bible only prohibits you from eating stuff you don't eat anyway? Like mice. I mean, would any right-thinking Christians eat mice if the book of Leviticus DIDN'T say Thou Shalt Not Partake Of The Mouse? I don't think even dressing up the mice in goofy red pants with big yellow buttons and red firemen's suspenders and puffy yellow shoes would help. Mice are too hard to eat because they're so small that by the time you've excised all the gross parts there wouldn't be anything left except the other gross parts you missed. Now, if the Bible said "Thou Shalt Not Eat Sugar," then there might be grounds for a VALID CONTROVERSY. But it mentions MICE. By name. And you know it's serious because the Bible doesn't have pictures. Well, unless you have The Good News Bible. But it only has the first five seconds of each picture, and then the artist gets bored and leaves. Here's my picture of The Good News Bible's picture of the book of Revelation: + _() / | \ / \\ \ \ I only drew in the four best-known Horsemen of the Apocalypse because these days nobody believes in the fifth one, Tinky-Winky. -- K. AGAIN! AGAIN! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Flood Warning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 09:44:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The idiots have apparently chosen to put their garbage-bot into high gear again. I suggest: 1.) Don't play with the idiots. Ignore 'em, don't post followups to 'em. 2.) For your a.r.k killfiles: Screen out all articles whose "Path:" header contains "news.en.com" or whose "Xref" (or "Newsgroups") header contains "alt.slack" or "alt.flame". ("Xref" and "Newsgroups" contain the same information in different formats, "Xref" is quicker to search in most newsreaders.) (I like the people who actually inhabit alt.slack, but the jerks always include it and a.r.k on the same "Newsgroups:" lines, so killfiling anything cross-posted between a.r.k and alt.slack wipes out most of the robotically-generated idiocy.) A lots of this is due to John_-_Winston insisting on posting to a long laundry list of groups which includes both a.r.k and some of the ones the idiots go after with their robot (which generates garbage articles with headers which imitate real articles, hence they show up in the same newsgroups.) This is why you're seeing dozens of articles with John's "Subject:" headers and basically no content. This should hopefully pass; this sort of Usenet abuse comes and goes -- it's a short-term nuisance, it'll mutate into a different form when they think of some other pointless activity. In the long run it's harmless (and it's trivial to screen the articles out of my archive) but for the next few days you may want to apply the suggestions above... -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Flood Warning. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 01:02:49 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [Stuff about flood I mostly don't see] > > The only flooding I see is in the "Christian kids forced..." thread. When > I first connected to my news server, there were about 250 new messages > since last night. But, when I downloaded the messages, there were about > only 60 left. I guess my ISP does a good job screening out this kind of > message. I just hope it doesn't screen out any valid messages. Many Internet providers (or those the messages pass through along their way to you) screen out anything cross-posted to more than five newsgroups. Some have a lower cutoff, some have a higher cutoff, but five is the most popular number to set as the upper limit of how many newsgroups an article can be cross-posted to before it's considered ECP (Excessive Cross-Posting) and dropped on the floor. I doubt it's screening out any valid messages, because you saw MY article, and mine are really the only valid ones anyway. -- K. You know, E.T.'s spaceship STILL looks stupid. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.physics,sci.physics.fusion,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 1.1 Re: THE LAST FUSION PLACE ON EARTH; new allegorical movie Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 10:53:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med, sci.physics, and sci.physics.fusion, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) replied to his own reply to himself: > > I need to add the North Pole exploration for it is rich in science > history of fudge factor found-out. Something about Cook claiming the > North Pole but fudging on survey readings, whether deliberate or > unintentional, accuracy matters a-lot in science, and so Peary is > credited as the first to reach the North Pole. > > And a few years back I remember reading or seeing something about a > North American expedition, forgotten if it was British or someone else. So, let's see... first you repeatedly claimed that England is a peninsula... and now you're claiming it's part of North America? ARCHIE, FLORIDA AND ENGLAND ARE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT. You should be able to find a picture under "MAP" in your favorite encyclopedia, such as The World Book or The How & Why Wonder Book Of Science For Boys. (Historical footnote: the latter is the actual title of a book from the fifties I had when I was much younger. You know, from the days of "ask Mommy for some camphor, some alum, and a fountain-pen bladder...") > Anyway, the gist of the issue was that this explorer did irrational > things, so many irrational things and the blame was put on the lead and > perhaps mercury canned foods and eating equipment. Yeah, maybe their dishes were contaminated with mercury because they were employing some idiot to wash them and he was too busy telling the nuclear-fusion newsgroup that England is a peninsula to maintain proper hygiene. > So, could it just might be that Scott suffered dementia, enough that > he was incapable of leadership and clear thoughts and plans and > reasons. Of course not in the short span of time of the Antarctica > expedition but from cumulative years of his being in the British Navy > and eating from lead cans and lead (perhaps mercury) eating utensils. Yes, Arch, they were using knives made of solid lead and soup bowls made entirely from mercury. (I suppose if the British Navy can operate from a magical peninsula attached to North America, in that universe mercury could also be a solid.) > When you watch the series THE LAST PLACE ON EARTH, the fact comes > clearly that Scott was irrational, reckless, and unfit for leading such > a dangerous mission. The question of leadership as "final word" and > "absolute authority" is not in question, for apparently Amundsen asked > the same of his men. The problem of absolute authority becoming > dangerous is when the leader is irrational. Amundsen was absolute > authority but Amundsen was rational and reasonable all along. In the > scene on the ice where Amundsen orders them back, his judgement and > reason were fine, but he could have told them on the ice (instead of > waiting when they were all back) the reason behind his order-- the > reason was that if longer on the ice "limbs would have been lost". You misspelled "The Minnow". Hope this helps. By the way, Russell Johnson is much more respected than you by the scientific community. I mean, he kept building satellite receivers out of coconuts. YOU just LIKE coconut. And you keep telling us. > So, I ask the question, was Scott lead/mercury poisoned enough before > his expedition that he was unfit to lead? I suppose Scott is buried in > Antarctica as the scene in the movie shows his gravesite. And they couldn't put it in A MOVIE if it weren't true! Have you considered first looking him up in a book with words in it to learn more about him before demanding that we do your book report for you after you saw a really cool movie? I mean, his diary was published and he's even listed in real encyclopedias and stuff. From my Encyclopedia Britannica: -> (b. June 6, 1868, Devonport, Devon, Eng.--d. c. March 29, 1912, -> Antarctica), British naval officer and explorer who led the famed, -> ill-fated second expedition to reach the South Pole (1910-13). -> [...] -> On Nov. 12, 1912, searchers found the tent with the frozen bodies, -> geological specimens from Beardmore, and Scott's records and diaries, -> which gave a full account of the journey. -> [...] -> Roland Huntford's study Scott and Amundsen (1979) was newly critical -> in its examination of Scott's planning, judgment, and leadership on -> his fatal Antarctic expedition. And that's just from a little one-page encyclopedia article. Just think what you could learn in the magical world of books! I was even kind enough to include the sentence above where the authors of the Encyclopedia Britannica recommended a book for you to read, and it was published in the seventies so it might have one of those pretty cigarette ads in the middle of the paperback edition. > But analysis of his bones may reveal whether Scott had a high concentration > of lead/mercury in his body? This would be a nice medical research effort. Maybe he went insane because he had a plutonium atom at the center of his head. Scientists say that this condition has led to insanity in 100% of the 1 persons who have reported having a plutonium atom at the center of their head. -- K. Maybe you'll get your name in the medical textbooks someday if only you can communicate your syndrome to another person. But that would involve you being able to communicate something to someone. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: INCREDIBLE HULK LEARN NOW!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3024 centons, 25 microns, 0.01 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 11:21:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ME USE ENCYCLOPEDIA TO CHANGE BABY!!! ME LOOK FOR DIAPER WORDS!!!! > DIAPER, > in architecture, surface decoration, carved or painted, generally composed > of square or lozenge shapes ALTOIDS MAKE GOOD DIAPER HUH!!! > but also of other simple figures, each of which contains a flower, > a spray of leaves, BABY DIAPER NO CONTAIN FLOWER!!!! ALSO BABY SPRAY ME WITH LIQUID LEAVES!!!! > or some such device. The pattern is repetitive and is usually based on > a square grid. BABY WEAR GRAPH PAPER NOW!!! BABY GO CRINKLE!!!! > It was a common form of sculptural wall enrichment in Gothic art. > An example is the 14th-century pulpitum, or choir screen, of Lincoln > cathedral, Lincolnshire, England. HA HA THE CHURCH PUT DIAPERS ON THEIR WALL BECAUSE ENCYCLOPEDIA SAID TO!!!!! ENCYCLOPEDIAS ARE MEAN!!!!!! -- K. It also said under "peat" that "Dried peat moss has been used for surgical dressings, diapers, lamp wicks, bedding, and stable litter." Hopefully not simultaneously. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Searchable encyclopedias are fun! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 11:36:07 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > MOPTI, > town, eastern Mali, located at the confluence of the Niger and Bani > rivers. Originally a small fishing village, Mopti has become an > important commercial town and the centre of Mali's fishing and livestock > industries. The town is located on three islands and is one of the most > densely populated areas in Mali. Major crops grown in the surrounding > area are rice, millet, onions, cassava, and peanuts (groundnuts). > Livestock raising and fishing are also significant. The major population > groups in the locality are the Dogon, Fulani, Bambara, Bozo, Bwa, > Songhai, and Tukulor. Pop. (1987 prelim.) town, 73,979. Of which 73,978 are Bozos. I hear Larry Harmon's suing them for stealing his name. > WESTERN AFRICA > [...] > The Fulani, or Peul, are nomadic pastoralists of the Sahel and Macina. > Other ethnic groups of note include the Tukulor (Tokolor), the Khasonke, > the Bozo, and the Somono. The Bozo. Well, at least they only have one. The U.S.A. has millions of 'em. Also, wasn't Frank Gorshin the leader of the Tukolor in that "Star Trek" episode with all the red-tinted black and white stock footage? I mean one of the ones with the black and white stock footage. Before they switched to filming "Star Trek" in the color after the first season. > SLOVENE LITERATURE, > [...] > The freer metres of Edvard Kocbek pointed the way to magically > interpreted reality, and the caustic sonnets of Bozo Vodusek > manifested a sober disillusionment. OH, THOSE CAUSTIC BOZO SONNETS! v I should note that his (or her) name is actually "Bozo", but this encyclopedia can't show the zee with the little vee on it. It softens the zee and makes the sonnets less caustic. -- K. OW OW OW I GOT POETRY IN MY EYE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Protozoa are fun. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 12:25:00 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'm reading about the wonderful world of volvox just so I can mock the poor defenseless little critters before they evolve into a form that can make fun of me. Before I pick on the volvox, first some background reading on protozoa: > Protozoa > NATURAL HISTORY > Size range and diversity of structure. > > Protozoa range in diameter from a few thousandths of a millimetre to > several millimetres. I.e. the same range of size as the meat particles in Campbell's soup. Not to be confused with the size range of the potato blocks, which are a few hundred thousand times larger and therefore cheaper. > Because the subkingdom contains many unrelated or loosely related groups, they have agreed to use the ProtozEuro as their common currency. > there is enormous diversity in structure and form. Even within a single > phylum, the variation in form can be considerable. Some are 36-24-36 and VA-VA-VA-VOOM!!! but others are all icky and fat and should be squished with your thumb. > The flagellates range from a simple oval cell with one or more flagella > to the structural sophistication of the collared flagellates (order > Choanoflagellida). Also known as Jesuits With Whips, like they had in school in the olden days before they mistakenly outlawed corporal punishment when they meant to ban capital punishment. > The collared flagellates lack photosynthetic pigments and are therefore > colourless. Good thing, too, because it would really mess up my decor if my living room contained a bright orange paramecium a hundredth of a millimeter across. > They have a single flagellum surrounded by a delicate circular collar > of fine pseudopodia on which they trap food particles. It's called a beard. > In some marine species, the whole cell is enclosed in an elaborate, > open latticelike basket formed from strands of silica. The > dinoflagellates, half of which contain plant pigments and rely to a > greater or lesser degree on photosynthesis, and the other half of which like to whip Fred Flintstone's pets, > may be surrounded by a cell wall armour with a complicated pattern. > In some species (e.g., Ceratium), long spines arise from the cell surface > and aid in flotation. They do this by puncturing your life raft so that they can appear to be floating well -- relative to you. > Dinoflagellates possess two flagella; one beats in a transverse plane > around the equator of the cell while the other beats in a longitudinal > plane. While chewing gum. > Many of the flagellates live in colonies. In Volvox, for example, > hundreds of individual organisms are embedded in a gelatinous sphere. Containing miniature marshmallows and/or canned green beans. > The sarcodines also are extremely diverse. They have four types of > pseudopodia--lobopodia, filopodia, axopodia, and reticulopodia. I miss that show, "The Misadventures Of Sheriff Lobopodia." The way he'd always get his pseudopodia caught in the toaster. Also, axopodia are the deadly kind 'cause they hold axes! > The simplest (lobopodia) are blunt extensions of the protoplasm, and the > most complex (reticulopodia) form a complicated branching network. which is used to transmit dirty pictures to college students. Wait, that's a different and much more useful network. Besides, protozoa have NOTHING to do with nudity! > The simplest of the sarcodines, the naked amoebas (Gymnamoebia), I stand corrected. There are such things as nude amoebas. (I thought they always wore clothes.) > have no defined shape and extend one or many pseudopodia. At the opposite > extreme are the complex foraminifera, which live inside multichambered > calcareous shells up to several millimetres in diameter. The pseudopodia > (reticulopodia) of foraminiferans extend from the aperture of the > largest chamber of the shell and form a complicated, sticky branching > network. See, protozoa are better than the Internet because the Internet's not sticky. Yet. > Other sarcodines, known commonly as radiolarians (class Polycystinea), are made from sardines plus codeine, for a yummy non-narcotic pizza topping. > form shells from silica; in some, the shell has so many holes that > the structure resembles a sponge. HAW HAW HAW! THEY JUST INSULTED SPONGES BY COMPARING THEM TO EVEN WIMPIER CRITTERS! In fact, I think protozoa ARE the only critters wimpier than sponges. I mean, God made sponges just for rubbing on your butt! > Some of the most exquisite sarcodines are the sun protozoans, or > heliozoans. Their radiating pseudopodia (axopodia), extend like spokes > from the central body; microtubules support an outer layer of cytoplasm. We put the squishy part on the outside to make 'em squeezably soft. HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR HELIOZOAN TODAY? (Wasn't that one of the six episodes of Richard Benjamin's "Quark"?) > The ciliates are the most structurally homogeneous group, although even > they have evolved considerable variation on the cilia-covered cell. In > some species (e.g., the hypotrich Euplotes) (Little Billy makes a squiggly dotted line from the encyclopedia to talk to his invisible friends Not Me and Ida Know.) LITTLE BILLY: MOMMY'S BICYCLOPEDIA SAYS I HAVE A HYPOCRITE WHO PLOTZES!!! > the cilia are combined to form thick conical structures, called cirri, > which the ciliate uses to crawl along surfaces, as opposed to crawling through air, > rather like little legs. In others the cilia virtually disappear > from the main body of the cell, YAAAAGH!!! THEY'VE DEVELOPED INVISIBLE CILIA IN THEIR WAR TO MAKE ME WORRY ABOUT TINY INVISIBLE TICKLY THINGS!!! > but the circle of cilia around the mouth becomes well developed > (as in the oligotrich Strombidium and the tintinnid ciliates). The latter got its name because its cilia stick up like Tintin's hair. > The peritrich ciliates have developed stalks and attach to plants > and animals as a means of dispersal. Why is it that when the police tell me to disperse they don't usually attach stalks to me? I would like some free stalks. Especially celery. It goes on from there. Now on to pick on my little friends, the volvox: > VOLVOX, > a freshwater, chlorophyll-containing organism that lives in colonies; it > is assigned by zoologists to the flagellate protozoan order Volvocida > and by botanists to the green algae (Chlorophyta). The oval, hollow > colonies, one cell in depth and about the size of a pinhead, contain > from 500 to 60,000 cells imbedded in a gelatinous wall. I would like to breed a volvox big enough that we could use it as an organic Dyson sphere. That would make BOTH Lewis Mumford and the editors of the Whole Earth Review happy and then he'd apologize for calling their dream of building a space station for hippies "infantile" in print. > Asexual colonies have biflagellated somatic cells and reproductive cells > (gonidia) that produce small daughter colonies Asexual daughters? Do you think Cher named her daughter Chastity because Cher is a volvox? > within the parent. Developing ova or spermatozoa replace gonidia in > sexual colonies. Fertilization of eggs results in zygotes, which encyst > and are released from the parent colony after its death. YOUNG MAN, YOU'RE GROUNDED UNTIL WE DIE!!! I suppose in the real world that wouldn't take long. If you force your teenager to stay in the room with you, it's not him who'll suffer. > Thick-walled zygotes formed late in the summer serve as winter > resting stages. IT SAYS WESTINGHOUSE DON'T IT? WELL I'M WESTING FOR WINTER! -- Bugs Volvox to Elmer Euglena > Volvox possesses differentiation between somatic and reproductive cells, > a phenomenon considered highly significant to microscopic perverts > in tracing the evolution of higher animals from Protozoa. Higher animals that do not have sex are probably did not evolve from volvox. Or anything else. > Certain species, in which somatic cells appear to be joined by cytoplasmic > strands, a.k.a "string bikinis" > may be considered to form multicellular organisms. IT'S ALMOST AS COOL AS A SPONGE, SORT TO! Now on to a different article: > ANIMAL BEHAVIOR > Reproductive Behavior in Invertebrates > > Most protozoans (one-celled organisms) reproduce asexually, usually > by fission (splitting in two); This is how really deadly bombs work. They just get a volvox to fission so fast that it forms a giant expanding green ciliated sphere that eradicates Hiroshima. Provided that first you have a way to shrink Hiroshima to a tenth of a millimeter. > in some species, however, sexual as well as asexual reproduction occurs > and may be complex. Or at least simulated. > The colonial organism Volvox, which may be either of one "sex" or composed > of cells of both sexes, So volvox getting a sex change would go from being MFMFMFMFMF to FMFMFMFMFM? > produces true eggs and sperm. Don't tell the Japanese about volvox eggs, there's already too many kinds of sushi. > A chemical substance released by "females" induces the production > of sperm packets; That's an envelope nobody wants to lick. > following the union of the egg and sperm, the parent colony dissolves, leaving behind only the word "CROATAZOA" > and the zygote (fertilized egg) is released. RELEASE THE A-3 ZYGOTE! I'm sorry, nobody knows what the reference there is. And if I have my way, nobody ever will. > ANIMAL BEHAVIOUR > Parental Behavior Among Simple Organisms > > [...] > Protozoa, a few steps beyond bacteria, Man, I hate it whenever I turn on the TV to watch "One Step Beyond" and then I realize it's just a lame show about how protozoa are slightly cooler than bacteria. > also show parental sociality. They hold Tupperware colonies, and Microscopic Barbara Eden is in their PTA. (Well, you KNOW she can make herself small.) > Many reproduce by simple division and hence give the daughters help only > before the split. Then they grab Daddy's MasterCard and color themselves gone! > Under difficult conditions, protozoans commonly form a protective "cyst" > and divide within it. In such divided cysts 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, or even more > daughter cells may associate until the cyst "hatches." Cyst is such a boring video game. It's like a slide show that forces you to click on it to go to the next slide, which you gotta see over and over because you're trapped in the slideshow. With an even number of protozoa. > Some protozoans form definite colonies in addition to or in place of cysts. > Volvox and many other slow-moving or sedentary colonial protozoans are shifty and will steal your silverware if you don't watch them > show differentiation or division of labour between cells of a colony. DOWN WITH THE CAPITALIST IMPERIALIST COLONIAL VOLVOX CELLS! > In Volvox, the forward cells have large eyespots Larger than ours? I think it would be cool if a volvox had human-sized eyes. Then you'd mistake it for an ordinary disembodied eye but it would really be a super-sneaky volvox watching you! > and a few rear cells take care of reproduction. I can see the volvox version of the "Newlywed Game" urban legend now: "That's be in the rear cells, Bob." I am going to stop talking about protozoa and other microorganisms now because they are too weird. It makes me want to go to the supermarket and kill all the yogurt! -- K. With tweezers! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: research on wine drinking and better hearts Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 12:53:37 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > For my autobio mostly. Although my diet now includes a-lot of grapes, "What's purple and insane?" "Archimedes Grape!" (I was going to work in "Grape-Nuts" cereal but I can't figure out any way to relate Archie to the word "nuts". Any ideas?) > recently I have been into the purchase of wines. Not because I believe > that wine alcohol will make me live longer, but mostly because I like > the taste of a good wine with certain foods. Shortly after Xmass I > purchased a bottle of Amaretto because I had found out that the > chocolate covered cherries that I love so much from Sarotti were mixed > with amaretto. So I have duplicated that combination. I can just picture Archie making his own chocolate covered cherries. In a paper cup. In the microwave. Mixed with canned spaghetti. > Then in early January, I had an image of a flavour, or a thought of a > flavour taste. A FLAVOUR WITH A TASTE -- WHAT ARE THE ODDS? > I do not know if I ever had this taste. I've never known you to have any. > And perhaps other people have had this happen to them. Where you imagine a > substance and its flavour and its taste without ever having it before. Most hallucinatory crackpots have probably done that. We'll just take your word for it. > Sort of like creating a new piece of music, you have the idea of the > tune but never heard it before. Anyway, let me try to describe this > image-of-a-taste. And the background is that I was in pursuit of > flavours for chocolates. I found the Amaretto + wild cherry + dark > chocolate is great. I also found that Kahlua with Reese's mini peanut > butter cups is a great combination. It seems as though liquors with > chocolates is a great combination, perhaps unbeatable. You're right, nobody has ever tasted liquors and chocolate mixed together before. Arch, they have this store, it's called Fanny Farmer... farm your fanny on over there and ask them for something medicinal. > My Image of a Flavour > > It is a heavy, thick liquid. Clear, like water, although it may have > a tint to it. THIS TASTES TINTED!!! > Predominate flavour is of a Plum origin. I am thinking of > a sweet plum flavour. I do not know how plum got into my mind, Santa Claus put it there. > but sometime in Dec ding ding ding > or Jan plum definitely entered my mind Are you sure it wasn't a rotten tomato entering your open mouth during your stint at open-mike night at The Comedy Spot? > and has stuck there. You'd probably have fewer things wandering into your head and getting stuck if your head had fewer holes. You could try Spackle or Plastic Wood. (The latter should match your head whether your head is made of plastic or wood.) > When this liquid touches the tongue a quick sense of strong > alcohol and the potency, like that of menthol rushes up the nose and > down the throat. Arch, I suggest you pick a flavorless control object to give your theory the Kaplan test: Up your nose with a rubber hose! > Sweet taste as you swallow and the plum flavor is there. As it goes > down the throat again that fiery sensation like a menthol eucalyptus > but due to the alcohol. Arch, they have this thing, it's called plum brandy, ask one of the big kids to buy it for you. > So, let me ask, has anyone encountered a real substance that my > image matches? Perhaps a plum brandy? Gee, I don't know... alchohol plus plum flavor? Could that be what plum liqueur tastes like? I suppose you could throw some Halls Mentholyptus lozenges in if you really want it to taste extra cough syrupy. Or you could just drink Listerine like the other people I see on