Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Underground Things. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 09:10:40 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: < > Subject: Underground Things. Jan. 31, 1999. > > Here are some things that are reported to the underground. I > carried on quite a bit of communications with Richard Shaver before > his death and he appeared to be quite sane although a lot of people > now think he was crazy. > > [...] > > ENGLAND, LIVERPOOL - A complex maze of underground tunnels underneath > the city. source: WILLIAMSON'S TUNNELS website. Wow, that is nutty! Do you really mean that Mr. Shaver believed they had UNDERGROUND tunnels? I mean, the other kind of tunnels, I can believe, but UNDERGROUND ones? > ENGLAND, LONDON - A dark 7 foot tall creature was observed by workers > in London's New Victoria tube line. source: Article in THE PEOPLE > [British], Dec. 1, 1968; London tube-line map If you were seven feet tall and on the New Victoria line, you'd be (a) in danger of hitting your head (b) too tall to adequately Mind The Gap (c) not using metric and would be categorized as an evil furriner. I should point out that I have had encounters with creatures MUCH weirder than this on Boston's subway lines, such as the demented old wino who kept saying "Cochise? Cochise?" At least, I think that's what he was saying. It could have been "Toe cheese? Toe cheese?", but that would be silly. > ENGLAND, STAFFORDSHIRE - In 1770 a laborer moved a large flat stone he > encountered in a field while digging a trench, beneath which he > discovered a descending stone staircase which he followed deep into the > earth, finding that the staircase switch-backed now and then until he > emerged into a large underground chamber several hundred feel below > that was filled with strange objects and large machines and > illuminated by a strange ever-luminous sphere which revealed a man on > a throne like chair, dressed in a hooded robe. The man in the chair saw > the intruder and stood up with a baton like object in his hand as he went > over to the luminous sphere and smashed it, plunging the cavern into > darkness, as the laborer stumbled back up to the surface in surprise and > terror. The story spread that one of the secret chambers where the > Rosicrucians hoarded their scientific secrets had been discovered, i.e. > the "Rosicrucius terror. Sepulchre". source: THE ROSICRUCIANS - THEIR > RITES AND MYSTERIES, by Hargrave Jennings > (JW I have been to the Rosicrucian Museum in San Jose, Calif. and found > to be honorable people). Ah, but I have the entire Rosicrucian Alphabet committed to memory. It makes the Masonic cipher seem secure enough to be classified as a munition. I suspect that the Rosicrucian Alphabet is related to B1FFSP33K... -- K. I would like to invite all a.r.k readers to try to come up with a less secure cipher than the Rosicrucian Alphabet. Note that you can't just make all the letters vaguely triangular or square because that's the one. The only way I can think of to top said lame cipher would be to just print your text in Helvetica Regular. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.skeptic,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: FLT, Fermat's Last Theorem, #6 Wag The Math Dog Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 09:20:21 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.skeptic and sci.math, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Why does the dog wag its tail? Because the dog is smarter than the > tail. But if the tail were smarter than the dog, it would wag the dog. > _,=.=,_ > ,'=. o `\___ > / o\ (0 D > / o \ ___/ > | O | \) > ',o _/ o .--' > `"`; O ( > [[[[]]_..,_ > / .--""``\\ > .' o .\,,|| > ( .' -""`| `""` > |\ / O o __| > \| o .-' `\ > \ _ o O | > jgs ( o .-' ) > `""""""""""""` Poor Spot! Archimedes Plutonium pumped him full of lead, gangland-style! And his bottom was supported by many pairs of little millipede cilia! And he pooped out a doot shaped like the letters "jgs"! By the way, Archie, I'd like to say I appreciate your attempt to raise the level of discourse in the science newsgroups from your theories to doodles of doggie-woggies. Cute doggies are a lot harder to criticize than your theories. In fact, even with all those bullet wounds, poor Spot still has fewer holes in him than your "Plutonium Atom Totality". -- K. I especially like the fact that there's a Sil Icon strapped to the middle of Spot's Spiedel Twist-O-Flex flea collar. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Quote Of The Day: Vibrating Bees! Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1999 00:01:51 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp From an article I was reading titled "Diversify With Pollen Bees", written by Dr. Suzanne W.T. Batra: > Because honey bees do not vibrate tomato flowers to release pollen, > growers had been hand-pollinating and using mechanical vibrators on > hothouse tomato flowers. Isn't there a famous picture of L. Ron Hubbard doing that? -- K. True fact: if you make the Blue Orchard Mason Bee's nesting hole less than 6" deep, the offspring will contain a higher percentage of boy bees. P.S. From an attempt at transcribing a public-domain edition (from 1901) of "Bartlett's Familiar Quotations" on the Web: > Stone-wall Jackson. > > This saying took its rise from the battle of Bull Run, July 21, 1861. Said > General Bernard E. Bee, "See, there is Jackson, standing like a stone-wall." This brings new meaning to that episode of "The Time Tunnel" where they get attacked by giant bees during the Civil War. John Belushi was in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.fusion,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: all you skeptics Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1999 05:37:20 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) writes: > > > > But I did a test on the web about a year ago and it turned out to be > > around 120 or something. But it wasn't proctored correctly. > > I think they measure IQ on the other end. Naah, they do it at the back end. Just with a really, really, really long curly thermometer that goes all the way to your brain. AND THEN EXPLODES!!!! This is in accordance with King Plutonium's decree, enforced by Diana Moon Glampers, that nobody is allowed to be any smarter than him after their IQ test. -- K. And then Diana Moon Glampers twirls around and her purse disappears! Why didn't Wonder Woman ever just grab the bad guys and twirl around to make them disappear? THAT WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER IN SCIENCE FICTION! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kibo is the Beast! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1999 05:41:10 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > (666) 123-4567 Theo Mora (theomora@math.fsu.edu) replied: > > This the Number of the Beast. Kibo is the Beast!!!!!!!!!!!! and "the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > NO!!!!! > KIBO IS THE SESAME BEAST!!!! > > [ cue music ] > > come and prey > everything's > bleak and grey > foam rubber neighbors swear > that we are made of yeast! > can you tell me how to get > how to get > to Sesame Beast? "latex" would be funnier than "rubber" on my neighbors. -- K. Suppose Bebe Rebozo married Joe Raposo. I think it would go something like this... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 1.1 Re: THE LAST FUSION PLACE ON EARTH; new allegorical movie Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 06:13:18 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > [various discussion of beer, prompted by King Plutonium's rants about > how he invented plum brandy] > > What is with all the talking about BEER? This is a serious SCIENCE group. Do > they make a PLUTONIUM BEER? No? Then you people are OFF-TOPIC!!!!1! > > Real scientists talk about plum brandy with choclate covered cherries in it, > or something (not sure, because I am a GIRL). The first time I read this it said "I am a GIRL covered with chocolate covered cherries," and I was just thinking "MMM, RECURSIVE..." but then my stupid brain had to go back and re-read it and find that you were only talking about Archimedes Plutonium. Please try not to stay on-topic next time. Thank you. -- K. Candy shaped like Koch flowsnakes. It would be recursively fractalicious and have an infinitely large crunchy surface containing zero calories! And the best part of it is that every piece of it would contain billions of ideantical pieces of it, only smaller, or in candy terms, FUNNER SIZE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 1.1 Re: THE LAST FUSION PLACE ON EARTH; new allegorical movie Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 11:31:27 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > > > Real scientists talk about plum brandy with choclate covered cherries > > > in it, or something (not sure, because I am a GIRL). > > > > The first time I read this it said "I am a GIRL covered with chocolate > > covered cherries," and I was just thinking "MMM, RECURSIVE..." > > "MMM"? A fourth emotion! Fifth if you count all that trauma from > grade school before he was Kibo. Hey! I have more emotions than "HA HA SHATNER'S HAIR IS STUPID!" and "EWW, CHEEZ!", you know. In fact, I have WELL OVER A THOUSAND emotions, and I'll thank you to list them all for me RIGHT NOW. Please number my emotions and insert them in the slot below: __________________________________________________________________ |__________________________________________________________________| Thank you for your patronage! No refunds! -- K. MMM, EGO. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 1.1 Re: THE LAST FUSION PLACE ON EARTH; new allegorical movie Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 09:35:56 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Eddie Saxe (saxe@sgi.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > MMM, EGO. > > Hey! Lego my ego! Okay, Matt, cue your impression of John deLancie inside the pinball machine when Kibo gets the "hurry up" ramp shot. -- K. And stop yelling "OpenGL is neither!" P.S. Eddie, can you get me an employee discount on a Challenge XL? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OK. THIS is a dumb dream. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 06:15:36 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Richard S. Holmes (rsholmes@rodan.syr.edu) wrote: > > "Anti-Blair" (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, lord, help me. I recoverring from a cold and I'm too tired to walk > > over to the tv. Barney's on. > > Send me a hundred bucks and plane fare and I'll turn the TV off for > you. Two hundred bucks if the sound's on. Wait... someone once manufactured a TV that didn't have a remote control? Then what do you sit on when you need to accidentally start recording something? -- K. Next time maybe you should try not turning the TV *on*? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: three mustered mark Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 06:07:56 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor mujoob@my-dejanews.com, who forgot to claim a Real Name before they were all taken by Procter & Gamble, wrote: > > I read in last years febuary issue of psychology today that if you hear or > read the same bit of information from three different sources, then you will > belive what the information is. so if you hear it three times, it true. can > any one confirm this? I don't know, but I hear that you can win a trillion dollars by visiting Kibo's "Do What I Say" Web page at http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say . He made all that money by becoming the world's most important fashion model after having two ribs removed to make him look shorter. -- K. It was done in the same hospital where they filmed "The Addams Family" and "The Wizard of Oz". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Happy VD Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 06:23:55 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > So... for how many years now have I been regaling the Internet with my > Patented Really Very True Valentine's Day Story? I'm not sure, but I > think this is only the 2nd year I've made the people on ARK happy in the > knowledge that I was a very clever and/or stupid child. Archimedes Plutonium is stupid in a very clever way, but you were the opposite! Rejoice in the knowledge that you are DIFFERENT than Archimedes Plutonium and yet even he is EQUAL in the eyes of THE LAW! Except that THE LAW is THE LAW and is more important than him so he's not really EQUAL ha ha. > Dig: I was in 2nd grade and we had to make Valentine's Day cards in > art, and I didn't know how to spell "Valentine" so I abbreviated it on the > card. I wrote "Happy V.D." The art teacher, after picking herself up off > the floor and wiping the drool from her mouth, told me to make another > card and wouldn't let me take the one I'd just made home. When I > complained to my parents later, they tried very hard not to laugh. Years > later, Matt McIrvin explained the joke. I remember when I was about five I tried to spell "cereal" and it came out "CRA". But fortunately I didn't write it on a Valentine's Day card, that would have been embarassing. > Ok, the part about Matt's a lie, but I have to add a lie to this or it > won't become the world's first true urban legend. The urban legend about alligators in the sewer was the one that got me in trouble when I was in second grade, as I have previously related, because I had some picture book where the baby alligators kept getting flushed down toilets that went "SHIK!" when they flushed and so I spent a whole day yelling "SHIK! SHIK! SHIK!" and shortly after I got in trouble I learned my first swear word. > Anyhow, I think this is proof that when I was 8, I was already a > Kibologist, even though Kibo himself hadn't even hit puberty. Yes, but speaking of valentines with missing characters, here's a true story from the Tales Of The Prudential Center Star Market: They have Curious George boxed valentines for little kids (you know the type, "Includes 20 cards plus 3 teacher cards" because they've measured that your class has 25 kids in it so you have to buy two) and as I looked at the box, to see whose font they were using for Curious George's lettering, on the back one of the example cards reproduced at small size said "It's Magic". Now, at this point, I noticed two things: (a) It wasn't my Curious George lettering, it was a badly scanned and auto-traced blurry abomination they must have bade by cutting up enough "Curious George" book covers (each of which was lettered in a slightly different style of cursive) to assemble an alphabet, and (b) they hadn't found an apostrophe and couldn't draw their own damn apostrophe. Now, on most computers, when you type a character that doesn't exist, you get some normal-size placeholder (such as a box or a blank space). But when the thing hits the $50,000 Postscript imagesetter, the non-existent character usually comes out about four times as wide as a space (because Fontographer makes all the missing characters a full em wide) so the Curious George cards say: It s Magic So I shed a tear for Curious George, who in the hands of people who not only can't draw apostrophes and also can't tell that their font has no apostrophe, as I got out my magic marker and filled in the blank in the correct kind of turn-of-the-century cursive: Italics Magic Okay, I lied about defacing the stupid cards at the supermarket. But I really did look at them and make a tiny mental note to make fun of them here. -- K. Then I grabbed a box of the things and ran through the supermarket yelling "IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!" while biting into a York Peppetmint Patty! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Happy VD Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 03:07:55 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Brin In SF" (brininsf@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, I lied about defacing the stupid cards at the supermarket. > > But I really did look at them [...] > > Lotsa that stuff if you know where to look. > > With one swipe of a black pen, Cracklin Oat Bran becomes Cracklin Cat Bran. You're the guy who's been using the razor blade to scrape the "C" off all those "COLD DRINKS" vending machines, aren't you? At the subway stop nearest the very same Star Market that had the "It s Magic!" valentines, there's a poster advertising THE COMMUNITY eFORMATION TOOL Someone, I won't say who, added the necessary "d". With one of those old wide-tip Pantone By Letraset markers they don't make anymore. Color #293. -- K. I still want to know who keeps writing "PERL" on all the WALLs around here. Do you think it's the infamous pit-manager? Oh dear, someone's going to have to explain that to those of you who only became massive nerds five years ago. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.stupidity From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Just How Dumb Are We? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 06:57:20 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Damark, that catalog that's like the Johnson-Smith comic book ads, only for grownups -- insstead of X-Ray Spex they sell things that tell you the moment the CIA begins tapping your phone -- keeps sending me catalogs. And, of course, they all have fluorescent red stickers warning me that THEY WILL NEVER AGAIN SEND ME ANOTHER CATALOG UNLESS I START BUYING STUFF! Why don't they just lay it on the line and say "OKAY, WE KNOW YOU NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM US, AND WE JUST DON'T CARE!" Anyway, I leafed through it while eating my meat loaf (off yesterday's MacWarehouse catalog; the Damark catalog is going to protect the furniture from tomorrow's Swedish meatballs) and looked for the dumbest item. It wasn't hard to find. Page 9, "Office", top left: The Phonex(tm) Easy Hang Up(tm). It is a twenty-dollar gadget that... when you push a button... hangs up... your phone. > SAY GOODBYE TO ANNOYING CALLS AT THE TOUCH OF A BUTTON > You're enjoying a nice dinner when suddenly the phone rings. > You pick it up and before you know it, you're stuck in > the middle of a sales pitch. Ha! Ha! Your puny hanging-up powers are useless against me for I have started in the middle of my sales pitch! > Instead of wasting your time telling the caller you're > not interested, just push a button and Easy Hang Up(tm) > will do it for you. Wouldn't a pair of scissors do the same thing faster, cheaper, and more effectively? > Your unwanted caller is told in a polite pre-recorded > voice, "I'm sorry, this number does not accept this type > of call. Please regard this message as your notification > to remove this number from your list. Thank you." (Sound of telemarketers checking the box on their form which corresponds to "SUCKER WHO WILL BUY ANYTHING, INCLUDING $20 GADGETS THAT HANG UP THE PHONE) I like the scissors idea better because it says, in a loud and unimpeachable voice, "NO GIVEBACKS!" And it doesn't say "please" or "sissy". > Then, it automatically hangs up the phone. I hear that AT&T has a new service, much like how you can now have an answering machine without even owning an answering machine, where to hang up the phone all you have to do is dial AT&T and press "1". > Easy Hang Up(tm) is especially good for people who have > trouble saying "no". Also try our companion gadget which is perfect for idiots who can't prevent themselves from ordering things from catalogs. > Attaches to all phones quickly and easily. Hey, I can't attach it to Jack Nicholson's phone, especially from here. I want my money ba-- hey, they hung up on me! > Order one for each phone in your home. > > Extended Service Plan $9.99 Oh boy! It costs $20, but the warranty can be extended six months for only $10! Or twelve months for only $25! -- K. Other items to avoid buying: The tiny $60 cotton candy machine, the laser pointer with 42 interchangeable tips, and anything marked "A Factory Serviced Value!" That means it's better than new because someone already broke it once! What are the odds of it breaking twice? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.dreams,alt.dreams.lucid,alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Videotape Dreams? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 07:02:26 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest In alt.dreams and alt.dreams.lucid, "The Outlaw" (outlaw19@home.com) wrote: > > Is it possible to videotape your dreams or is this just another 'fairy tale' > that only happens in the movies? It can't be possible. If it were, NBC's "seaQuest DSV" would have been ten times better. -- K. However, you can record dreams by putting carbon paper under your pillow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Rambling Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 07:30:58 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dag ]gren FYSI (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > Ok so you wusses complaining about low temperatures in the US can just > shut up now. MINUS 51 DEGREES CELSIUS. MINUS FUKKEN 51. Well, in northern > Finland, at least. Around where I was it wasn't ever much below 30 or so, > BUT THAT'S STILL INSANE! Powerline poles actually BROKE because the wires > contracted too much. Led to a 4-hour power outage, which might not be > very fun when it's minus 40 degrees outside. On the up side, 1700 kgs of > cheese were destroyed. But is Finnish cheese more vile or less vile than American American-style Cheez Food Product? The American stuff is extremely vile but isn't really cheese so no matter which answer you give I'm going to say it's wrong, so there. Destroy some American cheese and then I'll be your friend. > What am I doing in this country anyway? Complaining. > Also, Half-Life has a gun that fires glowing supersonic bees. That's the coolest video game ever based on a Ray Bradbury book that starred Rock Hudson, except for "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream". -- K. Also I liked Rock Hudson in "Will Success Spoil Felix Unger?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Rambling Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1999 07:55:23 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "U N i L U R K" (couggg@gocougs.wsu.edu) wrote: > > [serious discussion of Japanese words] > > Dear Friends, > A "hikooki" is an airplane. A generic machine is a "kikai". Didn't Archimedes Plutonium patent a Generic Machine last year? No, wait, last year he reserved the right to be the one who invents it next year. Never mind. Also, it wasn't a Generic Machine, it was a Spanking Machine That Is Very Specific And Only Spanks People Who Deserve It As Much As Or More So Than Archimedes Plutonium, In Other Words, It Only Spanks Archimedes Plutonium. -- K. In the WORLD OF THE FUTURE we'll have spanking machines that can fit into your pocket! Your BACK pocket! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Observations after watching an episode of the Teletubbies. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 08:02:01 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Shawn David Struck (jaxom17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Observation one: Nice 'colours', as our antennaed friends from overseas would > spell it, had they the education. Actually, three of them are honkies and the other is slightly beige. (Babies are only allowed to be slightly ethnic because rednecks would run away screaming from a giant black baby.) I think they should have just made the faces blue and green and so on like the bodies rather than trying to give them the TV Ethnic Composition of "all of them are white except for the non-threatening little darkie." See, the white folks who rule TV with an iron fist spend their lives thinking "If we just put one person with dark skin in the background of every TV show, white kids will stop being prejudiced against them," while the kids who are watching are actually thinking "I'm sure glad I ain't black 'cause then I'd have to leave the room if another black kid came in or the Universe would explode when we collided." I should also point out that British TV hasn't yet fully embraced the "Token Blacks On Every Show Is The Perfect Society" philosophy of American TV. In England it's more like "Every Show Needs Either A Token Black Or Maybe A Wacky Foreigner." > Observation two: > I bet that the yellow one tastes like lemons. Its speech is highly lemony. I think she tastes more like the yellow cardboard box Cheerios come in. Only she has a higher laxative effect than shredded cardboard plus Cheerios. Even if you just listen to her. > Observation three: > If I was the teletubby with just the straight antennae, with no kickass swirls > like the other ones, I would feel inferior. Luckily for it, I don't think > they're that deep. Also note that there are no Jewish teletubbies. THAT'S THE ONLY REASON THEY EAT TUBBY TUSTARD INSTEAD OF HALVAH AND FISHLETS!!! > observation four: > They are now outside. I am concerned about the health of the rabbits. They are > eating fake grass, and seem to be oblivious to the eightfoot jelly beans > surrounding them. I think this might be due to the radiation given out by the > teletubbies radars. It might be used to scramble the tracking devices operated > by the cunning rabbits. My consultant thinks it's just 'cause the rabbits are > 'colour' blind. Further investigation is warranted. That's nothing. Ever see the grass in the Brady family's yard? It wasn't even regular Astroturf! It was IMITATION IMITATION grass! It looked like green burlap dipped in shellac. The guy who played Greg says it was really slick and he kept falling on it and getting enormous green rug buns all over his body, and that the green color kept coming off on him so they had to repaint the yard once a week. Although I still haven't seen the episode where the kids repaint the yard, I have noticed that they frequently shove an old-fashioned push-mower across it. You know, I have *never* seen a push-mower in real life. The closest I came was in eight grade when our hated Spanish teacher missed a day of class and EVERYBODY heard the rumor that he had tripped and had his hands cut off by one. We could imagine that happening because he was our class's Wacky Foreigner just like the guy in "Fawlty Towers", only shorter. > observation five: There is a baby living inside of the sun. Where Hell is, except in the movie "Event Horizon", where Hell is somewhere inside the planet Neptune. But on the planet Vulcan, children watch Earth-Tubbies, with a smiling baby face in the Earth! And have you ever heard of an EARTH-spangled banner? And then the twisted, smoldering, wretched man crawled out of the twisted, smoldering, wretched wreckage and said... "WE CALLED IT... THE... EARTH!" HIGHLY! ILLOGICAL! ba-ba-bappa-ba, ba-ba-bappa-ba... Sorry, occasionally I get caught up in Leonard Nimoy's wacky, wacky sense of humor. Don't let me continue. Please. Help! HELP MURDER POLICE! Ah, now I'm Willy Wonka. That's much better. Now hold your eyeball up to the Wonkavision camera for the all-candy version of "Un Chien Andalou"... (Really, does it bother anyone else that it was a kids' movie with imagery lifted from "Un Chien Andalou"? Unless Dal’ intended "Un Chien Andalou" for kids, which maybe he did, so I guess that puts me in my place. AND GIVES ME A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF TALKING CANDY!!!) > it seems to get some sick sort of pleasure out of watching the teletubbies > drown in their own ignorance. It would be funner to see them drown in someone else's ignorance. I mean literally. Catwoman could have Farrah Fawcett tied up and be squishing all this liquid stupidity out of her and the Teletubbies would be in this big bottle slowly filling with it and then Lynda Carter would come in but when she twirls around to turn into Wonder Woman her whole body would light up in this big fireball WITH A BABY'S HEAD IN THE MIDDLE! And then Wonder Woman would have a baby's head where her chest was supposed to be any then nobody would watch the stupid show. So maybe my idea is bad. > If we were to see the sunbaby's thought's in the form of the > englishman's english, it would probably say something like, "Ha, you stupid > 'coloured' bastards! I rule you! I am your god! Bow down before me, you pudgy > freaks!" He does not say these things ou tloud, because he fears retaliation > from fans of dead gangsta rapper notorious B.I.G., born christopher wallace. Rap For Babies. The idea's time has come. It would be like Rappin' Ken's Boom Box With Real Rap Beat (tcsh ssh tcsh ssh tcsh ssh tcsh ssh tcsh ssh tcsh ssh) only it wouldn't actually make any noise, it would just have a pair of plastic quarter notes mounted on a deely-bobber spring hovering over it. > I believe the sunbaby is reprasentative of the show's producers, a boastful > parallel disguised as a life giving energy source. In a way, it is child > pornography. Well, remember, TV viewers like watching people who are stupider than them. Evidence: "Tic Tac Dough", "The Jerry Springer Show", "The Three Stooges". "Teletubbies" simply allows babies to feel superior to Big People who run around and fall down a lot and are even more deformed than babies. > observation fourpointfive: > Hey, I have a friend who knows a guy named po, and he's a Blood! Big deal. I just realized that if you stick a Rickie Tickie Stickie to the back side of a Crazy Daisy you can travel back in time, but only to the sixties. So I intend to sticker the Teletubbies into the era where people were not scared of scary psychedelic terrors, just to ruin the sixties by introducing something so hallucinatory that the hippies would be scared straight, and then Nixon would get elected a year earlier. > observation fivepointsix: > We don't need to see thedamn skit twice! You needed to see it once? > observation six: When the teletubbies all said their goodbyes, and proceeded > to hide behind the hills one at a time, I was a little sad to see them go. > That's why I was so happy when they came back! It turned out they were > leaving again, but I was still happy to have a chance to see their pretty > 'colours' one more time. Then they came back again, and I started to get mad > at them for playing all these tricks on me, and making me sad twice! When > they went away this time, I was sure I had caught onto their trick. I laughed > to myself, as i watched them jump in the hole, "ha ha, silly teletubbies, you > cannot trick me again! I await your return, you mindless depressants!" I sat, > and I sat, but they didn't come back. That's because YOU, THE VIEWER, were BAD. > I even sat through Sesame Street, thinking that they might come back at any > moment, and that i must stay vigilant, lest they make a fool of me... but > they never came back. Those bastards! They never came back! I spent the whole > night expecting them to reappear at any moment, the instantIi let my gaurd > down. When morning came, I showered and took the train to work as I would on > any other day, appearing on the outside to be the same Shawn I had always > been... but on the inside, where it counts (or, does count, when I'm not > preoccupied with cute girls), I was changed.I made a vow to never let myself > be used like that again, and a knowledge of what evil lurks in the hearts of > english television producers... Yeah, but it's nothing compared to the evils of the new "Sesame Street" where Elmo tells you to draw all over your walls. You know, like in "Harold And The Purple Crayon", a book that got me into BIG trouble when I was little. Also note that Harold is kinda like Curious George only armed with a graffiti marker. I think he's a Crip. > I Mean, English Television Producers Gave Us Dr. Who, Now THAT Was > Evil, So I take it you didn't see the American "Doctor Who" tee-vee moo-vee? That was BEYOND evil, it was BORING! > Shawn David Struck That's one of those names that sounds cool when William Shatner says it. Me, I've got one of those that sounds cool when Leonard Nimoy sings it. -- K. And your observations on "Teletubbies" are puerile yet banal compared to my oh-so-schadenfreudian deconstruction of their postmodern symboliseum which I posted last year and which I shall now repost. TUNE IN NEXT ARTICLE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Observations after watching an episode of the Teletubbies. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 09:31:36 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Eddie Saxe (saxe@sgi.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > It would be like Rappin' Ken's Boom Box With Real Rap Beat (tcsh ssh tcsh > > ssh tcsh ssh tcsh ssh tcsh ssh tcsh ssh) > > I think you have that confused with Sysadmin Ken's BeBox With Real Unix > Shells. Gosh, I know I've done that many times myself. But Rappin' Ken's Little Spastic Noisemaker is actually some mutant derivative of rap, while BeOS is more like Mac OS than it is UNIX. OOH! LOW BLOW! They're gonna come and take back that BeOS T-shirt that's sittin' on my couch! Originally I was gonna throw in a "grep" and a "crontab" just to make the UNIX joke obvious, but then I said to myself, "Naah, it's more fun to over- estimate the computer experience of people, and besides, some kind soul will explain it to them." But Matt McIrvin doesn't know anything about computers any more because computer science is one of the two branches of science and he can't do any science now that he dropped out of Harvard after getting his doctorate, so I'm glad you stepped into the breech to take up the slack so that everyone will understand what the hell I'm making nonsensical references to. THESE WORDS FROM THE UNIX OPERATING SYSTEM SOUND FUNNY WHEN NORMAL HUMANS THINK THEY CAN PRONOUNCE THEM: grep crontab biff xemacs fsck suntops (I included the last one just 'cause it got ripped off by a brand of frozen fruit-juice-like bars.) -- K. I just spent an afternoon wrestling with 'ice2for.pl' and I didn't even get any free ice with or without fruit-like juice, waah. Also, the first time I typed this message in, my computer crashed around the point where I insulted its operating system. TRUTH OR COINCIDENCE???? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Observations after watching an episode of the Teletubbies. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 03:01:29 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Anti-Blair" (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > THESE WORDS FROM THE UNIX OPERATING SYSTEM SOUND FUNNY WHEN NORMAL HUMANS > > THINK THEY CAN PRONOUNCE THEM: > > > > grep crontab biff xemacs fsck suntops > > What about > > xargs cpio stty nohup wc ipcrm yacc SPOT'S UNIX SYSADVENTURE Copyright (C) 1999 James "Kibo" Parry Poor Spot! He was suffering from crontab itch! "Waah!" cried Spot, "Every time I try to sratch my crontab, everyone complains I'm grepping myself in public! And there's an 'L' in the word 'public', you fscking preverts!" Just then, Adam West kicked Spot in the crontab with a mighty **BIFF!** **NROFF!** **ZOWIE!** "Waah!" cried Spot, "I'm being beaten up by a fscking old Batman!" Spot ran to the wc to see if his crontab was damaged, and when he tried to relieve himself, a fluid similar to milk, only thicker, came out. "WAAH! IPCRM!" He flushed his p from the output queue, then he realized that maybe it was because he had eaten all those Fruit & Cream & Creme & Kreem Suntops bars between breakfast and brunch. Then he remembered that the only reason he had eaten the whole box was that it said the bars were about to expire in March '99. And he had assumed that this meant 1999, but on second thought, maybe this meant 1899! "YACC! CHGRP! NOHUP!" barfed Spot as he vomited the antique ice treats into the swirling waters of the wc. As Spot trotted back to his office, he saw that the door was covered with fuzzy velvet! "WAAH! MY DOOR'S BEEN FLOCKED AND NOW I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO OPEN IT!" Just then, his faithful robot manservant, CPiO, smashed through the wall from the other side. "OH YEAH!" shouted CPiO, holding aloft a pitcher of melted Suntops. Through the hole Spot could see Kelsey Grammer crashing his shiny red Dodge Vipw. Spot began to cry again. "Waah! I can't think of a way to use 'xargs' and 'xemacs' in a sentence to end this lame story!" Then the world blew up and they all died, except for the wacky robot. ^D ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Observations after reading a Kibo childhood reference Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 7 Feb 1999 08:51:03 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > "Harold And The Purple Crayon", a book that got me into BIG trouble > > > when I was little. Also note that Harold is kinda like Curious George > > > only armed with a graffiti marker. I think he's a Crip. > > > > Dammit, now you've made me remember a book I read as a kid! But I > > don't remember what he drew with the purple crayon, I just remember > > it was really contrasted with the rest of the book which was in > > black and white. The point wasn't what he drew, the point is that the Man (represented by his mommy) kept putting him down by spanking his little black butt after he doodled all over the white white walls. For extra credit, discuss the subtle shifts in chromaticity after each page in "Goodnight Moon". (Not to be confused with Martin Landau's forthcoming "Goodbye Moon".) > both of you discussing purple crayon books have triggered > one of *my* memories, of a story (book?) that was included > in that one kids' magazine, the one that wasn't "Highlights" > that had a serialized english translation of TinTin. But they never translated the sound effects, which was the only bright note in an otherwise tedious comic story. Nothing would happen for several panels, then someone would kick the little dog and the kick would go "BOUM!" or "POUF!" and the doggie would say "WOAH!" I forget what the dog's name was, I want to say "Spunky" but that would be too silly even for a French puppy. > anyways, there was this one story about a boy who got mad > at his mother because it was raining, so he stayed in his > room and drew pictures of lima-shaped beings called "Blahs", > until he had drawn a whole army of Blahs, then crowned > himself king. the end. Did this boy have his own Internet newsgroup towards the end? If so, please let me know how many more pages I have to skip over to get my damn crown! Also, you people smell like lima beans. > also, Nick mentioning "Flat Stanley" reminded me of *that* > book, which, in contrast to Nick, I don't remember reading > or even seeing, but I know the story! Stanley gets attacked > by a bulletin board, which flattens him, and he gets to do > fun things like fold himself up and mail himself to exotic > places, until he starts to cry because he is flat, so his > little brother blows him up. the end. My favorite children's book at the moment is "The Stupids Die", parts of which were incorporated into the recent Tom Arnold movie. Also, I recently saw Patrick Stewart doing a cold-reading from "Everybody Poops" on TV. Who says daytime TV isn't educational? Except now lots of little kids will say "poop" with a pompous Shakespearian accent. -- K. I think Picard's a better captain than Kirk except for the "poop" part. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Observations after reading a Kibo childhood reference Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 23:20:45 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry ( kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I recently saw Patrick Stewart doing a cold-reading from "Everybody Poops" > > on TV. Who says daytime TV isn't educational? Except now lots of little > > kids will say "poop" with a pompous Shakespearian accent. > > OK, I have an announcement: > > I will pay Patrick Stewart $20 to read selected portions of Archimedes > Plutonium's autobiography. I will pay Terri $50 if she pays Patrick Stewart $100,000,000 to read ALL of Archimedes Plutonium's autobiography. Double that if he reads it aloud. -- K. I'm still writing my new kids' book, "Everybody Poops Except Kibo, So There!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.teletubbies From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES (rerun) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 08:35:15 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Shawn David Struck (jaxom17@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [stuff about how the Teletubbies are a little weird] As promised, here's my scholarly analysis of the Teletubbies, which I wrote last year BEFORE their American premiere. Note how many of these ideas they stole from me. -- K. AGAIN! AGAIN! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.teletubbies Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 06:02:11 GMT (FADE IN on a plush green landscape, covered by a plastic dome. Colored sparkles are swirling around inside the bubble. Inside, four cuddly roly-poly creatures made out of foam rubber are dancing around spastically. These are the Bubblebabies, KAZOO, WINKY, BUH-BUH, and URP. A giant ball of fire shaped like a baby's grinning head -- the sun of this beautiful world -- rises over the horizon and winks. The Bubblebabies are rolling around on the ground, accompanied by music-box music played at half speed.) BUH-BUH Funny! Funny! (They chase each other around in circles a while.) WINKY Funny! Funny! URP Again! KAZOO Again again! (they chase each other around in circles a while.) WINKY Funny! Funny! BUH-BUH Winky! WINKY Buh-buh! BUH-BUH Again! WINKY Buh-buh! BUH-BUH Winky! (Winky and Buh-Buh hug.) KAZOO Again! URP Again again! (Winky and Buh-Buh hug. The Bubblebabies begin jumping up and down for a while. Suddenly giant periscopes, with eyeballs where the lenses should be, rise out of the nearby mountains. The Bubblebabies all gasp in horror and duck and cover. An enormous fireball explodes from the smiling baby-head sun and toasts everything. Cautiously, the Bubblebabies come out of hiding.) KAZOO Again! BUH-BUH Again again! WINKY Again again, again again! URP Again again, again again! Again again, again again! (They all duck and cover and the sun explodes again.) WINKY Funny! Funny! (A huge silver pinwheel rises out of the sun and begins spinning with an ominous wump-wump-wump sound. A continuous stream of lightning bolts begins coming out of it and going into URP's eyes. His chest shows stock footage of some babies watching Bubblebabies, for several minutes. Then the lightning bolts intensify and he screams. The camera dives into his mouth. FADE TO BLACK.) (We see a close-up of Bob Hope's face, and we hear dogs barking to the tune of "Jingle Bells". The photo of Bob Hope slowly revolves as the camera zooms in on his eyes. Suddenly, in the middle of a stanza, we SMASH-CUT to the camera zooming in and out repeatedly, very fast, on a whirling assembly of Tinkertoys while we hear the sound of a cat with a rocking chair on its tail. DISSOLVE TO URP sitting on his butt, as the pinwheel retracts into the sun.) BUH-BUH Again! KAZOO Again again again again again again again again! (URP bursts into tears and runs out of the frame. A magical lollipop tree suddenly grows into existence near WINKY. He pulls off a lollipop, takes a big bite out of it, and throws it away.) BUH-BUH Again! (WINKY pulls off another lollipop, takes a bite out of it, and thows it away.) BUH-BUH Again! (This repeats until there is only one lollipop left on the tree. WINKY pulls it off, and suddenly the lollipop turns into a big mouth that bites off WINKY's face.) KAZOO Funny! Funny! BUH-BUH Funny funny funny funny! Kazoo! KAZOO Buh-buh! BUH-BUH Kazoo! KAZOO Buh-buh! (They pull out guns and shoot each other. For several seconds, nothing happens. Then URP carefully peeks into the frame.) URP Funny...? (A squadron of white Mickey Mouse gloves slowly levitates into view above the horizon, making helicopter noises. Suddenly, with a loud sucking sound, they rush forward and cover the camera lens.) (CUT TO BLACK. In voice-over, we hear URP being strangled.) (CUT TO: CARD READING "PLEASE STAND BY". NEVER CUT AWAY FROM THIS CARD. THE END.) -- K. I'm sure when I actually see the premiere of Teletubbies tomorrow it'll be even more repetitious and less non-threatening. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES (rerun) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 09:04:55 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just reposted my "Bubblebabies" script. And because someone just shouted "AGAIN! AGAIN!" again, now I have to repost my comments which followed the original posting last year. My comments on my own comments are in [brackets] like [this] and were written now [February 1999] and not in April 1998. If you couldn't figure that out on your own you are not smart enough to read about "Teletubbies". -- K. From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.teletubbies Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1998 04:52:34 GMT Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) writes: > > > > This was painful to read. > > > > I'm going to go get a vassectomy now. > > This disturbed me the same way that watching _Threads_ when I was > in 5th grade in spite of (well, *because* of) being warned > several times by my parents and the show itself that watching this > show would be worse that watching Fluffy die of a spinal cord > injury. BUBBLEBABIES was Barney's version of _Apocalypse Now_. > > I'm scared. So, I take it nobody else bought a new TV just to watch the premiere of Teletubbies? [ I really did write "Bubblebabies" before having seen even clips from "Teletubbies". I had only seen still pictures, and a brief review, in "TV Guide" the previous week. ] [ By the way, how long after the invention of movies did someone decide from now on "still pictures" would be the default term for photographs? ] Had I ever seen the show, I would have made the details more accurate, like, I didn't know that the giant evil mind-control periscopes made farting noises. And I didn't know that the sun keeps shouting "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!". And I didn't know that the Teletubbies live in that alien ship that thumps Chris Elliott in the butt in "The Abyss". I also didn't realize that because the show is British the title is actually pronounced "Telly-Tubbies". And I should have caught on that it was a knockoff of "The Prisoner" for kids. [ Actually, the paragraph about the whirling array of Tinkertoys intercutting the close-up of the photo of Bob Hope _was_ a direct "Prisoner" reference, specifically, the episode titled "The General". ] So what IS the deal with the pinwheel that emits sparkly radiation that makes all the Teletubbies say "UH-OH!"? Is it the deadly UH-OH! ray? Why does the voiceover come out of periscopes with glistening wet lenses that make farting noises? Why is the baby's head on fire? AND WHY ISN'T THERE ENOUGH REPETITION? -- K. When Sesame Street was new they said, "Do kids really need to know how to subtract?" Now those same detractors are using equally lame sophistry like "Do kids really need to be brainwashed into being afraid of radioactive pinwheels?" to disparage the fine educational product that is Teletubbies! [ That was, if I recall correctly, in reference to some Teletubbies executive telling TV Guide, "When 'Sesame Street' started, they said, do kids really need to learn to count?" or something along those lines, attempting to counter allegations that MAKING TV SHOWS FOR SIX-TO-TWELVE-MONTH-OLDS IS EVIL!!! ] From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.teletubbies Date: Fri, 10 Apr 1998 06:26:20 GMT Alex Suter (asuter@world.std.com) wrote: > > Thus spake laughman.2@osu.edu: > > > > RU > > B4I4Q--QT(3.14159) > > 18 > > > > THAT'S MY RADIKOOL LIGHT SABER!!!!!111 -- Lupus Yonderboy > > My skills as a Jedi are now complete! > > Did I really say that? Why are you folks talking about violent movies like "Star Wars" in alt.tv.teletubbies? You should be talking about children's shows, like "Knight Rider", and not serious grownup drama like "Star Wars"! The best magazine ad I ever saw was a few months back. It was a two-page spread of solid black. There was a little black card glued to the middle of the right-hand page. (Must have been expensive.) If you looked under it, it said "You have failed. Because you cannot resist temptation, you are not qualified to play 'Jedi Knight'." Actually, I am not qualified to play Jedi Knight because my Apple Pentium's Win95 uses crummy old 16-bit drivers, dammit! But that wouldn't be something cool to say in an ad. Also, I could beat Darth Vader any day even if I were wearing a gas mask and a heavy black rubber cape. Doesn't Darth know that he could use the Force to do backflips so much easier if he dressed like, say, Superman? I see Superman in a Darth Vader helmet. Eating a bowl of tiddlywinks. [ I have no idea how I came up with that image, but I love the idea of Darth Vader stuffing handfuls of plastic tiddlies into his mouth grille and yelling "UMM-NUMM-NUMM-NUMM" like Cookie Monster as they all fall out the sides of his mouth. ] -- K. I'd like to see Darth Vader explain what the hell I'm doing trying to use an Apple-made Pentium. [ The Apple Pentium-166 is still installed somewhere in the bowels of this computer, but I haven't booted it up since then. ] From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.teletubbies, alt.tv.v Date: Tue, 14 Apr 1998 05:26:28 GMT "*The* Didaskalos" (thedidaskalos@usa.net) wrote: > > I don't want to sound too ignorant, It's okay, you sound just ignorant enough. > but does this by any chance have anything to do with kibology? No. No, it does not. However, it has everything to do with... A NEW CAR!!!! (The Didaskalos begins jumping up and down and squealing as Kibo calls him, her, them, or it down to the stage.) Ohhhh, The Didaskalos, I'm soooo sorrrrrry, I lied, it's really just Kibology. (The canned orchestra plays the "ZONK" music as the well-preserved middle-aged woman in the bikini carefully bends her arm to point to an oversize green and purple cardboard box which says "KIBOLOGY" in purple glitter. We hear her skin make the same sound a leather balloon being rubbed with violin rosin would make as her elbow flexes. She smiles, and her eyeshadow cracks.) But don't despair, you'll also win a lovely copy of our HOME GAME! (He hands The Didaskalos a small cardboard box. The Didaskalos opens it and inside is a card which says "YOU LOSE AGAIN!" The recorded orchestra plays the "ZONK" music again, as Kibo pulls the lever which makes confetti and streamers fall on the audience, which consists entirely of puppies.) [ I fixed a typo in the above for this repost. So there. ] > Perhaps somebody could enlighten me via email as to what kibology is. > It sounds like a Vatican run by the Keebler elves to me. KIBO: Hey, who are you, and why are you living in this hollow tree? ERNIE: I'm Ernie Keebler, and I'm a wacky elf! Love me! Won't you come into my tree to look at my cookies? KIBO: Look at your cookies? Jeez, no. I got work to do. HETERO, NON-ELF-RELATED work. ERNIE: But you can try my new bacon-frosted bacon! It's bacon dipped in a candy shell, sprinked with bacon bits! And it's made WITH real bacon! (He holds up a piece of brown cardboard with brown gravel glued to it and a tiny bacon grease stain at one end.) KIBO: Wow. You've finally succeeded in finding a way to ruin bacon. I'm getting out of here. Bye, I'm going to the Vatican. They only serve bacon the way it was meant to be served -- in the Sistine Chapel! (Kibo exits.) ERNIE: Waah. My factory is bankrupt. Now I'll have to move into a sheet of plywood in the alley behind Trader Joe's. (He disappears into the hollow tree.) (Enter the Pope.) POPE: Hey, Ernie, I'm looking for Kibo. Have you seen him? Ernie? (The Pope peers into the hole in the tree. We see a reverse angle -- the inside of the tree, with the Pope's head sticking through a hole in the wall of the tiny factory. Ernie is floating face down in a vat of fudge. The Pope takes Ernie's tiny, lifeless body and cradles it in his hands, then bites it.) POPE: Mmm, fudgy! -- K. Mmm, elfy! [ Every time I see a Carvel ad -- especially if it's an old videotape featuring the ads with the gravel-voiced Tom Carvel himself -- I run around for weeks shouting, "I'M FUDGY THE WHALE!" ] From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.teletubbies, alt.tv.v, alt.stupidity, alt.non.sequitur Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1998 06:29:35 GMT In various parts of various newsgroups, "Hy Drox" (hydrox@sunshine.com) wrote, with the help of Matthew Lehr: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ERNIE (Keebler): But you can try my new bacon-frosted bacon! It's bacon > > dipped in a candy shell, sprinked with bacon bits! And it's made WITH > > real bacon! (He holds up a piece of brown cardboard with brown gravel > > glued to it and a tiny bacon grease stain at one end.) > > > > KIBO: Wow. You've finally succeeded in finding a way to ruin bacon. > > Ruin bacon? Since when is combining rich, buttery shortbread > cookies with sizzlin' hot crispy strips of bacon a "ruination????" "DOGS AND USENET READERS DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT BACON!" So I take it you haven't tried Keebler Bacon-Frosted Bacon(TM) yet. I feel that although the cardboard does pass as extremely stale yet undercooked bacon (really underraw bacon, or possibly underarm bacon) the brown aquarium gravel does not even approach the quality of the completely real bacon they use in Bac*Os. However, as the box indicates, it *is* made WITH real bacon: INGREDIENTS: Water, Emulsifiers (Cellulose Gel, Guar Gum, Carageenan, Hydrogenated Methylcellulse, Wood Pulp, Sawdust, Trees Chunked & Formed), Textured Vegetable Protein (Bumpy Kelp, Squiggly Crabgrass, Tofu That Fell Onto A Shag Rug), Animal And/Or Vegetable Shortening (It's Always Lard), Natural Flavors (Uranium Hexafluoride, Strontium 90, Modified Asbestos), Natural Colors (Green 2000, Gray 8000, Cloudy 9000), Preservatives (Calcium Disodium MTBA, BHA & BUAF, Polysorbate 76), Other (Modified Rat), Bacon (Deposited By Electroplating.) The "DOGS DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT BACON -- BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID!" ad campaign is a wonderful idea, and I wish I had thought of it. They could do so much more with it. Like: "WEBTV -- DOGS DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT A COMPUTER!" "HEXADECIMAL -- DOGS DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT DECIMAL!" "RANCID -- DOGS DON'T KNOW IT'S RANCID!" -- K. Of course, in the seventies, they marketed "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S DOG FOOD!" in Russia. [ For some reason, the "DOG'S DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT BACON!" commercial is more popular as an alt.religion.kibology touchstone than the one I prefer, with the strip of bacon growing in the empty salad dressing bottle in the middle of a field with a bee making light-saber noises around the bottle. Then it caps itself with a sucking sound. ] [ This is where the ugly girl from fourth grade stands up and yells, "OHHH HEY THAT RHYMES! YOUR FUNNEY JIM!" Also she's about forty years old. ] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.online-service.webtv From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The WebTV Dangle Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 08:30:08 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor From the Chicago Tribune's Web site: > The WebTV angle > > By Jimmy Guterman > > Friday, January 29, 1999 > > With all the recent action in the broadband market (@Home purchasing > Excite and the like), one company notable for its absence in the > headlines: WebTV. Hey, I saw its name in the headlines. It was real big and it flickered a lot and it wouldn't all fit on my screen and I couldn't scroll horizontally to see it with the cursor keys on my handheld remote control. But I'm sure the rest of it was there. Also I can do anything on my WebTV that you can do with your $6,000 computer, Mister AOL User!!! Unless you count stuff involving software or a mouse or a font other than blurry Helvetica!!!!! > When Microsoft announced its $425 million takeover of the privately held > WebTV in 1997, it seemed like momentum might build around the first > mainstream Internet appliance. It hasn't happened. Dear Lee Bumgarner-esque Reporter Esquire, exactly WHEN did it seem like the WebTV might catch on? Is this notion in the same category as "Molly Ringwald will be a big star forever!" or in the other category, "They'll NEVER cancel 'Battlestar Galactica'!" > Why? The machine is much less expensive than even cut-rate > build-it-yourself PCs, It's cheaper even than a broken, smashed computer, and almost as good! > connecting it to a TV is a cinch, Unlike your $7,000 computer which can only connect to the Internet!!! > and the newer versions of the WebTV devices being sold by Phillips > and Sony offer reasonable integration between Web pages and an > interactive TV program-listing guide. Yes, you can follow links embedded in the corner of the screen during your favorite TV program. The cool part of this is that people like reporters don't have WebTVs and therefore don't actually realize that the only program to have "WebTV Crossover Links" is "Teletubbies". And the target audience of "Teletubbies" is too sophisticated to enjoy WebTV. > But the WebTV browser is proprietary. Web pages designed to engage those > using the two most popular browsers, Netscape Navigator and Microsoft > Internet Explorer, often look like digital garbage on WebTV screens. Yeah, but ALL Web pages created by random bozos look beautiful on your $8,000 computer, Mister Brainy Adult Guy Man! > The most painstakingly designed interactive Web page can look like a random > assemblage on a WebTV screen, an effect made more laughable and/or > annoying when the mess is strewn across a larger screen that isn't shaped > like a computer screen. HAW HAW YOUR WEB PAGE LOOKS SO DUMB ON MY TRIANGULAR TEE-VEE SCREEN! YOU MUST BE A MORON TO DESIGN A WEB PAGE THAT DOESN'T WORK ON MY BOTTOM LEFT HALF OF A TEE-VEE! > The company has flip-flopped on its promised > support of RealAudio, Java, and JavaScript, perhaps in part because parent > Microsoft has no vested interest in any of those formats succeeding. The > email client is slow and clumsy--especially if you don't pay for the > optional keyboard. Even more so if you don't pay the monthly fee for the Internet connection. > Worse than that, a high-bandwidth port still rests on the side of the > WebTV set-top box, unused, awaiting deployment. I like how to save money when they assemble WebTV boxes, they don't build ports into holes in the side of the boxes, they just rest 'em on top. > Until cable and DSL modems become more common and less expensive, > WebTV is merely a potentially interesting product I think for the next week I'm going to end all phone conversations with "THANK YOU FOR A POTENTIALLY INTERESTING CONVERSATION!" > in search of adequate distribution. With PCs cheaper every month > and online monolith AOL looking toward even more cable-distribution deals, > WebTV may be squeezed out of the bottom of the market. Eww! Poo-poo humor has no place here on the Internet! Oh, wait, you said that in a serious newspaper. So it's okay. > It seems that the biggest losers so far may be the early professional > devotees of WebTV, .SIGNATURE QUOTE! .SIGNATURE QUOTE! "It seems that the biggest losers so far may be the early professional devotees of WebTV" -- Jimmy Guterman, in a real newspaper > some of whom paid $750 to join a developer program, > received nothing other than a set-top box and some t-shirts. And all the T-shirts said "I'M WITH STUPID -->" with a magic arrow that always points at the nearest WebTV unit. > The WebTV developer program has developed one useful piece of software, > a simulator program available for free on the Web, that lets PC and Mac > developers see how their sites will look on a WebTV unit. Software? What's that? MY WEBTV CAN DO EVERYTHING YOUR $9,000 COMPUTER CAN AND I DON'T NEED AN EXPENSIVE 80-COLUMN CARD!!! ALSO WE WEBTVERS CAN BE EVEN MORE SNOBBISH THAN YOU $10,000 COMPUTER OWNERS!!! > The good news is that the program does a fine job of simulating the WebTV > view; the bad news is that nearly every site you can test in it winds up > somehow butchered. Look at Bob Hope! Look at Bob Hope! Please! > What should Web TV do? Pay attention to standards, create a high-bandwidth > distribution strategy, and add additional Internet services (telnet, ftp). > Perhaps then it will be a formidable competitor for the next Net > generation. Also they should give everyone free hundred-billion-terabit Internet access and blow up all the computers in the world and make your IQ go up whenever you look at a TV screen. Perhaps then they would be a potentially interestingly formidable competitor unless they are squeezed out the bottom of a Teletubby like so much Tubby Tustard. -- K. The WebTV Simulator, incidentally, faithfully simulates everything but the flickeriness. It's like pulling 99% of the parts out of your $20,000 computer and then still trying to use it while everyone points and laughs because THEY'RE MORE ELITIST THAN Y-O-U-!-!-! P.S. I'M ONLY BASHING THIS REPORTER 'CAUSE HE DIDN'T BASH WEBTV ENOUGH! BASH EVERYTHING BUT ME BECAUSE I HAVE A COMPUTER *AND* A WEBTV SO I'M THE LEAST NERDY PERSON WHO EVER LIVED!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.news-shows From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Diane Sawyer Serves Bad Chili Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 02:46:28 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Now THAT'S news! > Subject: Diane Sawyer Serves Bad Chili > > "AP / DAVID BAUDER, AP Television Writer" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote: > > NEW YORK (AP) -- The idea went down as bad as the chili. > ABC has shelved a ``20/20'' segment where a half-dozen employees > were fed bad chili at lunch in Diane Sawyer's home and then > secretly videotaped to see if they complained about the food. ABC IS RELUCTANT TO BLOW THE LID OFF THE MAJOR SCANDAL THAT SOME PEOPLE WILL EAT CHILI WHICH IS VERY SALTY INSTEAD OF JUST MOSTLY SALTY!!! > The idea, which was to be part of a story on the social pressure > put on people to lie, was abandoned after at least one of the eight > duped associate producers expressed some discomfort about it, ABC > spokeswoman Eileen Murphy said Thursday. > ``It's just not worth it,'' she said. Besides, I think they were lying -- it was really good chili. > Sawyer had invited the producers to her Manhattan apartment to > discuss story ideas over lunch. Two vats of chili were prepared -- > one normal, which Sawyer ate, and one heavily salted that was fed > to the junior staffers. DIANE SAWYER ATE A WHOLE *VAT* OF CHILI ALL BY HERSELF? They gotta air this. > At one point, Sawyer briefly excused herself from the room, and > the cameras zeroed in on the producers' reaction. "Did it strike you as weird that Diane Sawyer was sitting there with a whole vat of chili in her lap saying 'MMM-MMM, MY CHILI IS SO GOOD, IT'S NOT SALTY AT ALL,' and then she excused herself into the closet, and there's a strange humming noise coming from that bookcase that has the red light on top of it?" > While there were some complaints, Sawyer was even defended by someone > who speculated that perhaps a top fell off a salt shaker. YEAH I'M GONNA DEFEND THE BRAINY DIANE SAWYER BY SAYING THAT MAYBE SHE DUMPED SEVERAL OUNCES OF SALT, AND THE METAL TOP OF THE SHAKER, INTO HER GIANT VAT OF CHILI WITHOUT NOTICING!!!! SHE'S SO SMART!!!! > At no point did anyone complain to their boss. "MY HEART CONDITION!" (sound of Hugh Downs hitting floor) > When Sawyer explained the ruse, ``most people laughed,'' Murphy > said. One staff member expressed concern about being on camera, but > the others said they had no problem being in the segment. All said that they were never, ever going to any of Diane Sawyer's chili parties again. > But upon further reflection, ABC realized it had set up another > experiment in social etiquette. Were the producers really > comfortable with having their reactions televised or were they just > saying so because they knew their bosses wanted the story on the air? And there's a third experiment too: "Will viewers think a 20/20 episode all about whether people will eat stinky chili just because Famous Newsreader Diane Sawyer cooked it is a stupid idea for a news show?" > ABC decided it was best just to leave the videotape on the > cutting room floor, she said. They declined to comment on whether they were not going out of their way to walk around the pile of tape, or going out of their way not to walk around it. > For the record, the eight producers were fed a real lunch when > they got back to the office. Sawyer promised to treat them to > another lunch soon. Instead of chili, this one will be an all-papadum dinner. And she'll eat a stack of 1000 papadums which will be normal and the other 1000 for the grunts will have A POUND OF ASAFETIDA IN EVERY BITE. And to show it's on the level, afterwards, everyone who doesn't complain about it WILL BE FIRED! Then she'll go to the supermarket and poison the Tylenol. > ``I feel terrible if anyone was upset by this,'' Sawyer said > Thursday. ``It was simply meant to be an innocent `Candid Camera' > moment, catching people in the act of being polite which, for the > record, they all were.'' SHOCKING EXPOSE: WE CAUGHT PEOPLE BEING POLITE!!! Is it just me, or is there just no way an ABC News investigation into the behavior of ABC News executives going to turn out to be worth watching? -- K. And how come they never did a story on that maniac who kept trying to kill Captain Kangaroo with all those ping-pong balls? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Spy house ? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 03:24:32 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.folklore.uirban, Clive D.W. Feather (clive@davros.org) wrote: > > Seen on another newsgroup. Anyone seen this story told elsewhere ? > > > This has just awakened a memory of an odd tale brought up by someone at a > > Telecomms Heritage Group meeting a few years ago, about a couple who > > bought a 30s semi somewhere in SW London/Middlesex. They decided to give > > it a 'makeover' (horrible word) and found a hollow-sounding wall. Breaking > > through, the man of the house found a sealed-up room with suspicious > > hardware inside, so he called the police. After a day, the couple were > > told to pack their bags/never come back/forget about the whole thing... > > and were given a refund of what they paid for the house plus a bit more > > for disturbance. > > > > Urban legend or what? This is wrong. It wasn't London, it was the replica of the Addams Family's manison on Beacon Hill in Boston. Also, the couple didn't leave, they were just murdered. The eccentric millionaire Internet magnate who owns the house covered up the whole thing COMPLETELY. But other than that, it's true. -- K. From now on I vow to start every paragraph with "This is wrong." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-winston From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Underground Things. Part 3b. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 03:54:36 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: Underground Things. Part 3b. Feb. 4, 1999. > > [...deedle deedle deedle...] > > -------------------------------------------------------------- > MASSACHUSETTS, BOSTON - Ervin M. Scott claimed to have intercepted an > electronically augmented telepathic transmission from a woman, a > cavern-dweller under the Salt Lake flats of Utah, whose people were > under siege by the "evil ones". She urgently warned about a woman who > was abducted into tunnels/caverns beneath an abby in the north section > of Boston 3 weeks earlier [the 1st church of Roxbury is located in the > north section of the city and is by far the oldest "abby" in Boston]. > Another "voice" breaks in on the "transmission" and tells Ervin not to > believe the former woman's voice, stating, "Don't you know this is > a lie? a trick?", and then warningly, "keep quiet about this!". source: > SEARCH magazine, July 1964 Um, John... The closest I could find in the local phone book is "First Church in Roxbury", which is located... in Roxbury... which... is... SOUTH... of... Boston. (Well, south-ish. Southwest.) I looked under both "First" and "Church" in both the white and black-edged sections of the White Pages, because most of the churches seem to be in the business section. I also checked several Web pages listing all the churches in the Boston area. Anyway, the First Church in Roxbury is an abbey, you could call up the abbott and ask him about the story. And then ask him whether he moved the abbey from the North End to Roxbury before or after the Great Molasses Flood (1919) covered the North End. Said flood, incidentally, was caused by there NOT BEING ANY BIG HOLES IN THE GROUND FOR THE MOLASSES TO DRAIN INTO. There appears to have been a First Church Of Roxbury in the 1600s, though. Maybe the telepathic message was delivered 300 years late? The only references I could find to it on the Web were genealogical notes about John Elliot being the "Apostle To The Indians from the First Church Of Roxbury" in 1634, etc., nothing after the 1600s. So I think, to me, that this makes your story of the telepathically- augmented electronic transmission from a cave under downtown Boston a little hard to believe. I doubt anything that goofy could have happened here. Just the Great Molasses Flood. -- K. I'm just glad they didn't have the Necco factory back then or it could have been something really gross like a "Rancid Peanut Butter Used To Fill The Third Segment Of Skybars" flood. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Gary Coleman and bacon Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 04:06:20 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > From "Former Child Star Central": > > From Anonymous: "A couple of years ago, I was at this coffeeshop in > Glendale, California -- Foxy's. GARY COLEMAN and his bodyguard, > I think, walked in and sat front-and-center at the counter. When it came > time to order, Gary turned on his booming voice. 'How's the pork > sausage links?' he bellowed. The waitress' answer apparently wasn't to > his liking, because he then announced to the world that 'I'D LIKE > EIGHT STRIPS OF BACON, PLEASE!'" (FROM FEBRUARY 1997) > > Eight strips of bacon. Considering he's about half the mass of > an average person his age, that's like eating sixteen strips of > bacon, and coffeeshop bacon tends to be more greasy and salty > than any other kind that's not diner bacon. > > Eight! Sixteen logical strips! Watchutalkinbout? So? I'm twice as tall as he is, and probably one and a half times his mass, but I can eat twenty-four strips of bacon. And I mean real bacon, the kind you have to cook, not the indvidually-wrapped pre-cooked turkey-bacon loaf slices that you pop in the toaster. AND IN THE FUTURE, TOASTERS WILL ALL BE POWERED BY MICROWAVES!!! Anyway, I just want to know what a waitress is supposed to say to "How's the pork sausage links?" I mean, are they ever anything other than what they always are? And even if they were, would the waitress actually say, "Oh, our food here sucks, don't eat it!" Well, I mean, she'd probably say that to Gary Coleman to get rid of him, but I'm assuming he's a normal person instead. Speaking of telling people that your food sucks -- SEGUE -- SEGUE -- SEGUE -- remember how for the past year and a half I've been periodically complaining about examples from the world of advertising which demonstrate that ad-men think that anything ironic will get hip Gen-X'ers to buy their product? The "We Know How To Manufacture Irony, But We Can't Figure Out Why Not To" principle? Well, M&Ms has fallen back on that old reliable ploy to advertise their new problem product, "Crispy M&Ms" -- which contain no nuts and only microscopic amounts of chocolate, but plenty of hardened pureed rice. And air. And they're all lumpy and deformed-looking. They're like Whoppers malted milk balls without the malt and without the rich chocolatey flavor of the wax coating. These things would be hard to sell under any circumstances, hence the desperation of the stupid ad campaign. The print ads show one of their scary talking M&Ms creatures holding up some Crunchy M&Ms and yelling, (stars mean boldface) "DO *NOT* EAT THIS NEW PRODUCT!" Okay. Bye! Maybe someone should explain to them that reverse psychology only works when you DON'T want it to. Better yet, someone should tell them to *ALWAYS* USE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. If he could keep a straight face while saying it. -- K. *NEVER* GIVE KIBO FREE CANDY THAT ISN'T CRAPPY CRISPY M&Ms. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.society.generation-x.ls-bumgarner From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Where's Lee Bumgarner now that we need him? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 05:40:34 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In Message-ID <79do9t$re8$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com>, lee_s_bumgarner@yahoo.com wrote: > Who are you, and what have you done with the other three-quarters of Lee's ID? > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I haven't yet seen anyone point out that this year's Super Bowl halftime > > show JUST MIGHT BE STUPID AND TACKY! Where's Lee Bumgarner? > > How should I respond? By pointing out that this year's Super Bowl halftime show JUST MIGHT BE STUPID AND TACKY, ya yutz. SIR, I KNEW LEE BUMGARNER, AND YOU ARE NO LEE BUM*cough*cough*GARNER! > > I think I'm going to turn this off before something even lamer happens, > > like a football game. I ONLY TUNED IN BECAUSE TV GUIDE TOLD ME I WANTED > > TO WATCH THE COMMERCIALS WHICH ARE SUPPOSEDLY EVEN MORE FUN TO WATCH > > THAN REGULAR COMMERCIALS!!! > > You say that like it's a bad thing. You're no fun to argue with any more. > Besides, I didn't get to watch any of the kewl ads. 8-) Lee, you dropped your skate key and an eyelash. -- K. LEE, YOU USED TO BE FUNNY!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 'Pinky' jailed on firearms charges Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1999 08:16:57 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > LOS ANGELES, Feb. 5 (UPI) -- Roz Kelly, who played Fonzie's > girlfriend, Pinky Tuscadero, on the TV series ``Happy Days'' is facing > criminal charges that she fired a shotgun into neighbors' cars and a > house after their car alarms went off and woke her up repeatedly. YEE-HAW!!! I'm starting to like her almost as much as Leather Tuscadero!!! Now all she has to do is to shoot Jenny Piccolo or Lori Beth and she'll get my vote. And what about that precocious little girl that Fonzie adopted in that final season, after he started wearing a plaid scarf all the time and going around forcing everyone to listen to classical music because it was better than rock'n'roll? Has she offed anyone yet? Or did she just marry Ritchie Junior? Or Spike? And what about that Arnold's waitress with the wide hips in the first season? And the woman who moved into Lori Beth's old room after Lori Beth moved out of the Cunningham house after she moved into the Cunningham house after Ritchie left the show? And what about the second guy who played Chuck Cunningham? And hey, isn't it about time Fonzie renewed that damn library card? And when the mad scientist put Fonzie through the machine that sucked out all his cool and he turned gay, how come next week nobody was talking about how Fonzie had turned all gay and stuff? Did Joanie and Chachi have any kids, and if so, weren't they hideous? And what about their kids? > The Los Angeles Times reports today that the 46-year-old actress has > been in jail since Nov. 29, in lieu of $305,000 bail. After being bound > over for trial at a preliminary hearing, she's scheduled to be arraigned > in Superior Court Monday. > Kelly told a tabloid newspaper that she walked out her door, aimed a > 12-gauge shotgun at the car, and ``started shooting like there was no > tomorrow.'' That'll be my defense when I shoot up the local Luby's on December 31! Damn, now that I've promised that, I've gotta get Luby's to open some restaurants in Massachusetts. > The National Enquirer quoted Kelly as saying she ``just snapped.'' Then she just killed some people, who are just dead. Then everyone hugged and next week they were back to WACKINESS AS USUAL! > Witnesses said she then used her weapon to smash a window in the home > of her neighbor, Phil Soinski, and fired buckshot into the house. > Kelly said she ``never meant to become Annie Oakley,'' she just > wanted to get some sleep to escape from the chronic pain caused by an > old knee injury and a series of surgeries. > Soinski told the newspaper Kelly was not ``a rational human being.'' I mean, wouldn't you be a little nutsy if you were replaced on "Happy Days"? Let's see -- Pinky Tuscadero -- replaced by Leather Tuscadero Spike -- replaced by Chachi Arnold -- replaced by Al -- and then Arnold came back Potsie -- replaced by Melvin Belvin Ritchie -- replaced by Roger, who was on "Married With Children", until he disappeared between episodes Lori Beth -- replaced by that other forty-year-old college student even more peripheral to the series premise Chuck #1 -- replaced by Chuck #2 -- then both were painlessly vaporized Fonzie's cotton windbreaker -- replaced by a leather jacket -- supplemented by a plaid scarf Laverne & Shirley -- replaced by Just Laverne So I'd say my theory is correct, and we should all be on the lookout for Melvin Belvin. > A deputy district attorney told the Times the $305,000 bail is > typical for a case like hers. That's the bail all "Happy Days" second-stringers get. Except for Erin Moran. > He said Kelly could face up to six years in state prison if she is > convicted of all counts, but she could also get probation if a court > finds that her mental state contributed to the shootings. > Pinky was a sexy motorcycle queen who managed to wrap the Fonz around > her little finger because she was at least as ``cool'' as he was. She > blew into town in September 1976 with her Pinkettes -- Tina and Lola -- to > join the Fonz in a demolition derby. And the Fonz liked how her bank account had pink checks, and he asked her to marry him so they could go on tour together, and she wrote him a check as her employee, so he dumped her. AYYYYYY!!!! Then Leather Tuscadero got out of jail (she had held up a liquor store) and Officer Kirk tried to keep her from singing at Arnold's but she sang anyway and so everyone yelled "GO HOME KIRK!" and he went home. Then Fonzie got all sanctimonious and sappy and put on a whole lot of Shakespeare plays and talked about Mantovani and adopted the precocious little girl. Then they renamed the show "The Facts Of Life". -- K. Okay, so I made up ONE FACT in this scholarly article on bad TV I watched when I was a kid who just wanted to be as cool as Fonzie. I only lied to make myself look cool. Well, guys, I was wrong, I should have listened to my best friend's dad, Tom Bosley, and I guess I should tell myself to "sit on it". So, whaddaya say we go back to being friends? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.music.video-games From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 'Pinky' jailed on firearms charges Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 7 Feb 1999 08:42:08 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > LOS ANGELES, Feb. 5 (UPI) -- Roz Kelly, who played Fonzie's > > girlfriend, Pinky Tuscadero, on the TV series ``Happy Days'' is facing > > criminal charges that she fired a shotgun into neighbors' cars and a > > house after their car alarms went off and woke her up repeatedly. > > I am disappointed this was not about the monster from Pac-Man. Well, Shadow (aka "Blinky") is currently undergoing detox for dot addiction, Bashful (aka "Inky") now works behind the counter at a Taco Bell Express in a convenience store, and Pokey (aka "Clyde") mistakenly entered the time-space-distorting wraparound tunnel backwards and is going to be stuck in limbo for 48.3 years before reappearing on the other side of the screen. In an "Asteroids" game. But nobody knows what happened to Speedy, aka "Pinky". It is speculated that Pinky got killed by the Ghostbusters, but nobody noticed because they weren't The Real Ghostbusters, just the ones with Larry Storch and the gorilla. Speedy/Pinky was widely reputed to be the fastest, loosest, and flooziest ghost, while Clyde was the one who got the sex change and became "Sue" in "Ms. Pac-Man". NAMES & NICKNAMES OF PAC-MAN GHOSTS JAPANESE (orig.) JAPANESE (alt.) ENGLISH RED Oikake ("Akabei") Urchin ("Macky") Shadow ("Blinky") PINK Machibuse ("Pinky") Romp ("Micky") Speedy ("Pinky") CYAN Kimagure ("Aosuke") Stylist ("Mucky") Bashful ("Inky") ORANGE Otoboke ("Guzuta") Crybaby ("Mocky") Pokey ("Clyde") Clip & save that chart to help you keep all twenty-four ghost names straight. I got the Japanese names (both sets) from the original Namco version of Pac-Man (there was a switch you could flip to choose which of the two sets of names, and no, I don't know why each set of names also had a set of nicknames) and the English names came from the American version by Midway. Midway changed "Clyde" to "Sue" in "Ms. Pac-Man", and to "Tim" in "Jr. Pac-Man". There were also assorted bootlegs where the images and names had been modified (for instance, "Hangly Man" -- which was apparently supposed to be "Hungry Man" -- was a bootleg Pac-Man, which was itself bootlegged as "Popeye" with a little Popeye head eating dots and being chased by ghosts) as well as non-illegal modifications for such things as "Pac-Man Plus" (where the ghosts turned to... well... I don't know what they were supposed to be, when you ate an energy pill, and the cherries were replaced by a Coke can.) Anyway, I think "Guzuta" and "Mucky" are my favorite names for brightly- colored ghosts that go "WOO WOO WOO" and taste good but only if you eat one of the flashing octagons first. It's just like real life only it keeps score AUTOMATICALLY!!! Also, as I've pointed out before, you get big points if you eat a durian. Gotta go, I need to practice singing the Atari 2600 version of the Pac-Man theme music for my vanity karaoke album, and I still have trouble remembering all four notes. BLEE-BLEE, BLEE-BLURT!!! (bonk bonk bonk bonk) -- K. And the most puzzling name for a Japanese video game of that era: "Slap Fight". For years I avoided playing it 'cause I assumed it was about Tony Randall and Andy Dick fighting over tickets to a Streisand concert, but it turns out to be a fly-a-plane-and-drop-bombs- on-the-futuristic-tanks game. P.S. Short Shameful Confession: When I first read that wire-service news item, I was hoping it was about Pinky Lee, who once had a heart attack on the air after Pee-wee Herman came onto the set and stole all his stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 'Pinky' jailed on firearms charges Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 07:14:33 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Noah A Christis (haon4707@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > this post is not funny, skip it at your leisure. I AM ONLY FOLLOWUING UP TO YOUR POST OUT OF ALTRUISTIC MOTIVES, PERHAPS I CAN SAVE IT. OR AT LEAST APPEAR TO INNOCENTLY CONTRIBUTE TO ITS ACCIDENTAL DESTRUCTION. > here are your translations, nick: > > > RED Oikake ("Akabei") > Chaser {"The Red One") Those are weird translations of "nick". I knew it could mean "a small cut" as well as "to steal", but I didn't know that "nick" was the same as "The Red One". Brings a new meaning to the punchline of that Tex Avery cartoon where Daffy Duck tricks Porky Pig into destroying The House Of Tomorrow! > PINK Machibuse ("Pinky") > Ambusher ("The Pink One") THE AMBUSHER! STARRING DEAN MARTIN WITHOUT ANY GIRLS! PART OF THE "MOVIES NOBODY EVER GAVE A DAMN ABOUT" MARATHON HERE ON TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES! > CYAN Kimagure ("Aosuke") > Moody ("The Blue One") > ^^ maybe Fickle is a better translation? I like that because then we can pretend he's named "Pickle" and yell, "HEY, PICKLE, YOU'RE A DILLY! WHY THE SOUR PUSS?" Oh, sorry, I just made your article less funny than it wasn't. My bad! > ORANGE Otoboke ("Guzuta") > The honorable feigner of innocence ("The Retarded One") Well, "Pokey" is a pretty good translation of "The Retarded One". But "Guzuta" is still a hell of a lot more fun to say. -- K. HEY, GUZUTA, WHERE'S GUMBY? WHERE'S GOO? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.knight-rider From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Knighrider 2000 In Chips Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1999 08:49:25 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Quote Of The Day! In alt.tv.knight-rider, "RLJ" (rljensen3@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Both shows were produced by Universal they had it avaliable.. I licked the > cars dash layout in Chips 99.. "Mmm, new car taste." This is so completely unlike my dreams, it's scary. -- K. "Knight Rider 2000" is better than "CHiPs '99" 'cause it's Y2K-compliant. Also because it's set in the distant future. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: "Ram it, clown!": a data point on an old urban legend Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1999 10:28:27 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, by now everyone knows the "Ram it, clown!" story about the kid who dropped his egg during the race on a local "Bozo" show and yelled "Ram it, clown!" (Every time I say that I get ten dollars.) TV Guide recently documented that it occurred on Channel 5 in Boston (an ABC affiliate), where Frank Avruch (still on the air as a local sportscaster) was Boston's Bozo. (TV Guide claimed the station is "defunct", which no doubt illustrates the accuracy of their urban-legend checking.) "Ram it, clown!" allegedly happened in the early sixties. (Sometimes given as "Cram it, clown!") Anyway... Channel 5 is still showing ancient episodes of "Jabberwocky" at 5 A.M. on Saturday mornings. "Jabberwocky" was an attempt at a kids' show produced by those liberal hippie beatniks at Harvard, around 1972. (It featured a puppet of a disgusting bum named Filthy Frank who lived in a cardboard box, and lots of really "heavy" discussion.) The show's psychotic title sequence (pasted together, apparently, out of an entire animation-class's semester projects after a field trip to see "Yellow Submarine") featured a kid yelling "MY CHAIR WEARS UNDERWEAR!" and another boy who tries to kick his mother in the knee, but his foot turns into a puppy's head and says "ARF!" Then the words "GNARTLE!" and "FIREFLY!" and "SEVENDY ELEVEN!" flash on the screen real fast. This should give you an idea of the educational value of this program, which, as I said, was produced by ultra-mod Harvard students. Now back to my point: Before every educational short film (such as this morning's one on How Structures Work) there was a short animated bumper, in which a clown turns on a film projector right after someone yells... "ROLL IT, CLOWN!" So I think that the Harvard hippies, in 1972, were trying to re-capture a beloved childhood memory trace from ten years prior when they all sat around their round-cornered black-and-white TVs watching the kid yell "Ram it, clown!" Either that, or the "Ram it, clown!" legend was started by little kids who watched "Jabberwocky" (while stoned) and needed an explanation for the "ROLL IT, CLOWN!" catchphrase. Me, I watch the show just to see what disgusting yet educational think the homeless puppet will do next. -- K. "I think all the world's a Jabberwocky if I just want it to be..." I promise I'll put their theme song on my vanity a capella album someday. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.taco-bell From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Are You Jealous Yet? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1999 10:54:08 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just bought some instant soup whose top four ingredients are: Potato Starch Salt Powdered Pork Extract Powdered Lard That's right, POWDERED LARD. I have powdered lard and you don't. And I have instant pork soup and you don't. Here's the best part: Powdered Lard itself has ingredients: (Dextrin, Lard.) That's right, lard isn't the most important ingredient in Powdered Lard. The sweetener is. Mmm-mmm! Candied lard! Move over, SweetTarts and Sixlets! Here come Willy Wonka's Lardlets! Fanny Farmer Lardlubbers! Necco Conversation Lard! I see lard as one of the five basic food groups (lard, pork, ham, bacon, Bac*Os) and now that it is available as a tasty powder, we have no further need for any other condiments. BYE-BYE, BUTTER! POWDERED LARD IS THE KING OF FLAVOR! I found that soup at the same market trip as the low-fat tofu (1g fat per brick, as opposed to 2.5g) and the apples which were labelled as being 2-1/2' in diameter. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM GIANT APPLES? I GOT LARD IN CONVENIENT POWDER FORM! Also the word "lard" is a lot of fun to say, especially real slowly. -- K. I wish Fabio would invent aerosol lard... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.taco-bell From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Are You Jealous Yet? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 06:59:49 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Powdered Lard itself has ingredients: (Dextrin, Lard.) That's right, > > lard isn't the most important ingredient in Powdered Lard. The sweetener > > is. Mmm-mmm! Candied lard! Move over, SweetTarts and Sixlets! > > Here come Willy Wonka's Lardlets! Fanny Farmer Lardlubbers! > > Necco Conversation Lard! > > Er, dextrin isn't dextrose. It's an adhesive. Mmmm, sticky. So you're saying that sweet things are never sticky? That's CRAZY TALK and I don't mean the funny Archimedes PLutonium kind! I bet when you spill water on your hands you try to wash it off with molasses! And when you can't remove your wedding ring you shove taffy under it! And instead of a shoehorn, you use a wet lollipop to slide your shoes on! Also, if dextrin is sticky and not sweet, doesn't that make blue Kool-Aid, which is 1% maltodextrin and 99% water, the most powerful adhesive known to humanity, which would mean that when the giant scary pitcher smashes through your wall and bellows "OH YEAH!!!" you wouldn't need to repair the hole afterwards because all the loose bricks would be glued together by the pitcher's adhesive blue sweat, when we know that this is not the case? LOOK MOMMY I MADE THAT SENTENCE ALL BY MYSELF! > > I wish Fabio would invent aerosol lard... > > I can' beleev is not-a lard. I doubt Fabio is man enough to handle lard. Real men like lard. Fabio would probably prefer schmaltz. AND SPEAKING OF SWISHY PEOPLE WHO ARE ON TV TOO MUCH, has anyone else ever noticed that John Henson's guest host on "Talk Soup" every weekend is a different sissy guy? I'M ONLY WATCHING THIS WEEK'S EPISODE BECAUSE THE SISSY GUY IS RYAN SEACREST THIS WEEK AND THEY KEEP CAPTIONING THE BOTTOM THE SCREEN "RYAN SEAQUEST", I SWEAR THIS IS THE REAL REASON I AM WATCHING HIM! Anyway, Fabio's aerosol butter isn't for Real Men the way that "TR-3" stuff that Mr. T used to advertise is. That stuff had quite a kick to it, and it didn't even need maltodextrin! -- K. WHAT DO YOU CALL A LEFT- HANDED DOG WHO'S ALL STICKY? DEXTRIN-TIN-TIN!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.warlord From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Komrade Biffsterski sighted! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 7 Feb 1999 08:10:43 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Can anyone here speak Bulgarnian BIFFSPEEK? In another newsgroup, someone reported being mailed an executable file purporting to be an Internet Explorer fix from Microsoft (and he doesn't use Windows or Internet Explorer, and besides, any 39k program from Microsoft is OBVIOUSLY fake 'cause they've never written anything that would fit on a single floppy.) The Trojan Horse in question contained this text: > -------------------------------------------- > ------------ F u C k B T C -------------- > ------------------------------------------- > t0zI BaCi1 E RaZrAb0tEn sPeCiA1N0 zA BTC > (bY1GaRsKaTa tE1Ek0mUnIkAcI0NnA K0MpAnIa) > Za dA ZaDrYsTi i1i p0nE Da zAbAwI WrYzKaTa > nA NaCi0nA1NiQ TiRaNiN (BTC) KaT0 gI F100D_I > P0St0qNn0 S TCP C0NnEcTi0n rEqUeSt_i. T0Wa > nE E Pr0sT0 hAkErSkA AtAkA SrEsHtU BTC A > 0tMyShTeNiE I WyZmEzDiE. nIe, SyZdAtE1ItE Na > t0zI BaCi1 PrEdPrIeMaMe t0zI NaChIn nA B0RbA > S NaCi0nA1NiQ PrEsTyPnIk BTC s cE1 dA Mu > nAp0mNiM, cHe aK0 tQ E CaR Na tE1Ef0nItE I > K0MuNiKaCiItE W Bu1gArIa, T0 nIe sMe cArEtE > Na mReVaTa. I P0NeVe BTC pR0Dy1vAwA Da nI > 0bIrA S 0gR0MnItE Si tAkSi zA "uS1UgItE", > NiE ShTe sE B0RiM SrEsHtU NeQ P0 INTERNET. > k0gAt0 Tq pReD10vI Na bY1GaRsKiQ NaR0D > N0RmA1Ni uS10vIq zA K0MuNiKaCiQ Na n0rMa1nI > CeNi,NiE ShTe sPrEm aTaKaTa. W Pr0gRaMaTa e > zA10vEm i mEhAnIzYm zA SpIrAnE, k0jT0 0BaChE > SaM0 nIe m0vEm dA ZaDaIsTwAmE. nIk0j nE M0Ve > dA Ni sPrE, zAsHt0t0 SmE FaNt0mI. nIk0j nE > M0Ve dA Ni hWaNe k0i sMe, ZaHsT0T0 nIk0j nE > Ni p0zNaWa, ZaShT0T0 nIk0j nE Ni e wIvDa1, > zAsHt0t0 NiE SmE HaKeRi, By1gArSkI > DeStRuKtIwNi hAkErI! t0wA E SaM0 nAcHa10T0. > A Pr0dY1VeNiEt0 ShTe e mN0G0 p0_GeNiA1N0. > NiE SmE ZaShTiTnIcI Na nAr0dA. nIe sMe b0rCi > zA NaCi0nA1Na sV0B0Da. NiE SmE B0RcI Za > iNf0rMaCi0nNa sV0B0Da. WiE, dRaGa BTC sTe > pReStYpNiCiTe. N0 i wIe sHtE WiDiTe p0nE Za > mA1K0 kAkW0 zNaChI Da nQmAsH INTERNET. > (-: P0-zDrAwI :-) > ----------------------------------------- > ------------- f U c K B T C --------------- > -------------------------------------------- I can read the smileys. And the dirty words. -- K. I think the smileys are the offensive part. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.misc,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: #7 Proving that all species, even humans, go extinct Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 7 Feb 1999 09:41:09 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med, sci.bio.misc, and sci.physics, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > In this debate of whether all species eventually succumb to extinction, > it did not look rosy the last time I wrote on this subject. Hey, Arch, a lot of people seem to doubt your theory that humans will go extinct. And a lot of people also doubt you're a human. I have a simple way you can kill two birds with one stone, so to speed: Just be the first to go extinct. We'll catch up later. > [...doo-dah, doo-dah...] > > The Fusion Barrier Law > constraints may be a larger quantity or a greater acceleration than the > infinite potential to change DNA. For example, Earth hurdling into a > collision course with Jupiter faster than what we can do to establish a > colony beyond Earth out of harms reach. Even worse, what if the Earth was in a biathlon? Biathlons are much goofier than hurdles, and so would probably better fit your theory. By the way, I think you numbered your "Subject:" line wrong, I recall that you may have posted more than seven of these rants since you first attempted to communicate with we carbon-based life forms in 1993. -- K. Why do I get the feeling all of Archie's understanding of astrophysics comes from "Space: 1999"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: As The Moon Burns (February 8, 1999) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 06:47:04 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor IN THIS WEEK'S EPISODE: Kibo told his tedious wife, television's Barbara Bain, that he wants a divorce unless she wins an Oscar this spring. She burst into tears and pointed out that there was no time, as the nominations will be announced in two days, but Kibo smirkingly suggested that there was nothing in the United States Constitution that prohibited write-in campaigns for the Oscars. Unbeknownst to Kibo, Barbara Bain started seeing a therapist (Dr. Joyce Brothers) and the two of them began plotting against him. Fortunately, they got distracted during a role-playing session when they got confused as to which one of them was which. Meanwhile, Kibo made a romantic phone call to a mystery woman, telling her that they would have to keep her love affair secret until "Cinnamon is toast, because... well... you remember what happened with Woody and Soon-Yi." Could this mystery woman be the reason Kibo was so eager to go to Barbara Bain's family reunion? Kibo pretended not to notice the body of a Colombian drug lord floating face down in his swimming pool at his palatial estate in Beverly Hills... prompting his neighbor, Hugh Hefner, to have a flashback to the night when the concrete for the pool was poured at 3 A.M., the same night an entire Major League Baseball team owned by Kibo disappeared. And what is the identity of the mysterious stranger who was seen taping an envelope of unknown origin to the underside of Kibo's Dodge Viper? Will the bank foreclose on Kibo's Ferris wheel? What is in the locked drawer of Barbara Bain's vanity? Who is the man posing as Kibo's butler and why is he wearing moon boots? TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER THRILLING INSTALLMENT OF "AS THE MOON BURNS", FOLLOWING "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" ON MOST OF THESE CBS STATIONS! -- K. You can't say ANYTHING on TV if it's not true. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics,sci.math From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: a fair and just hearing in civil court Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 07:55:07 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > My lawsuit against Dartmouth was dismissed. Gee, and I would have thought you would have gotten used to having your wacky ideas dismissed by other people. > Perhaps for technical > reasons of pro se. Perhaps a trained lawyer would have done > differently, such as writing up the complaint sheet, that the case > would still be active. Yes, that is a good suggestion, perhaps if you had submitted your case in writing instead of as a musical dance number they might have listened. > However, in the interim of this lawsuit I found out from the Dartmouth > newpaper that the Governor of the State of New Hampshire is a member of > the board of trustees of Dartmouth. So, what I am wondering is whether > any lawsuit involving Dartmouth would get a fair and just hearing in > court? Or is it highly slanted in favor of Dartmouth simply because the > chief of state, the governor is also a Dartmouth trustee? I am sure the governor spends a LOT of his day worrying about you. > My lawsuit against Dartmouth involved the misappropriation of > handicapped workers yearly pay raises. If I had won such a court > battle, the negative publicity to Dartmouth would have been unwanted. > So something as sensitive as this would have been wanted to be swept > under the carpet the fastest and easiest way-- to dismiss the case. So, in what sense are you potwashers considered handicapped? Besides your inability to write lawsuits that the judge takes seriously. I don't think you get to use the special parking space just for being a bozo. > And, I was never even allowed the process of "Discovery" in my > lawsuit. To gain the particular data of the misappropriation of pay > raise money. A motion of stay and a motion to dismiss was entered > simultaneously and granted. Well, why didn't you move to dismiss the motion to dismiss? Duh!!! And it looks like you have yet to learn the legal doctrine of "NO GIVEBACKS". I CALL COOTIES ON ARCHIE, NO GIVEBACKS!!! ALSO I MOVE TO DISMISS EVERYTHING HE SAYS IN ADVANCE!!! THEN I SECOND MY MOTION!!! THEN I THIRD MY MOTION TIMESED BY INFINITY TO THE INFINITY POWER PLUS ONE ZILLION!!! > It would be easy for the Governor to call the courthouse and to talk > about such and such a case. And of course the judges all know that the > Governor is a Dartmouth trustee. And it would be very easy for a judge > to simply "dismiss" the case without giving any merit to any of the > legal issues. > > So, can any lawsuit against Dartmouth, considering that the Governor > of New Hampshire is a trustee, receive a fair and just hearing? > > I have read the Superior Court Rule for Motion for Reconsideration Wow, you've read a rule. You're almost .0000001% of the way to getting your law degree. > and it reads thus: > > R 59 - A (1) A motion for reconsideration or other post-decision > relief shall be filed within ten (10) days of the date on the Clerk's > written notice of the order or decision... The motion shall state, with > particular clarity, points of law or fact that the Court has overlooked > or misapprehended and shall contain such argument in support of the > motion as the movant desires to present; but the motion shall not > exceed ten (10) pages. > > And I understand that the court need not even reply to a motion of > reconsideration. That's why I'm better than the court, Archie, unlike them I still reply to your nutty rants. Now let's hug! > Can someone tell me, whether I can file the same charges in criminal > court, that of misappropriation, and thereby the court is obliged to > obtain the data and facts that I was denied in "Discovery" process? How > does criminal court work? Do I just enter a sheet of charges? Arch, for once you're behaving rationally -- I suspect that bringing charges _before_ finding out "How does criminal court work?" would be a bad idea. However, I suggest that after you go into the court and act like a bozo you don't tell the judge, "I know how criminal court works, I asked some guys on the Internet!" Maybe you should watch some "Schoolhouse Rock" episodes first or something. > What irks me about the case being dismissed is that I was denied the > process of discovery. Courts have their procedures that they so much > want people to follow. And I, would like to see my case given the same > respect of procedural correctness. To slap a Stay Motion simultaneously > with a Dismiss Motion, I feel I have been cheated of the legal > procedures. Yeah! To be fair, judges should let anyone who doesn't know anything about the law do whatever the heck they want! Even Charles Manson could represent himself better than you could. Hey, maybe you could hire him to be your lawyer! Then at least you'd only be the second most craziest person in the room. > I do not know if an appeal to the New Hampshire Supreme Court would > do any good. Maybe the court systems are so overloaded that the judges > have a line drawn between smallish cases and pressing cases, and all > those smallish cases are dismissed routinely just to unburden the > courts. Oh, yeah, I'm sure your complaints written on wacky little cocktail napkins with random strings of legal-sounding words on them are an enormous burden on our gigantic legal system. Have you considered going to Science Court? It airs right after "Schoolhouse Rock". -- K. Archie, instead of being your own lawyer, maybe you should try being your own judge. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: filing in civil court versus filing in criminal court Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 08:01:51 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal, Willondon Donovan (willondon@bigfoot.com) wrote: > > I am not a lawyer. That's okay, compared to Archie you ARE a lawyer. > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > I have had one experience in filing in civil court. What does it involve > > in filing for criminal court, is it somewhat similar? The state is New > > Hampshire. [...] > > > > Can some of the complaints of the civil court be filed in criminial court? > > Again, only the state or crown may file a claim in a criminal court. That's okay too, because Archie has appointed himself "The King Of Science And Logic". And we can't dispute that because he's the King Of Logic so none of us are entitled to use logic without his permission. So anyway, he can file a criminal case 'cause he's a king. He can even behead the loser, unless he's the loser. And what are the odds of Archimedes being a loser? Of course, he can't sue me 'cause I'm a king too, and as Archie has "solved the game of chess" he knows that a king can't take a king. -- jes' call me "King Bozo" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Cookie Monster SELLS OUT!!!!!1! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 08:15:24 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor beable@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > So I was watching Sesame Street last night, I think what you are about to say will blow the lid off the secret world of Kibology's late-night party scene. > and Little Elmo > comes on with somebody named "Rosie". The caption read > "Rosie O'Donnell". So I went "Ohhh THAT'S Rosie O'Donnell!", > because I didn't know who she was. Then she sings the > ABCDEFGIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ song, and Elmo sings it too. But > the thing is, she sings a RAP version, complete with those > S00PER-SEKRIT hand signs that the gang members make. Hopefully > she made some signs which will mortally offend some gang > members, who will then assassinate her. Or at least force her to make more bad movies with Dan Aykroyd in bondage gear so that the movie critics of the world will assassinate her, Dan Aykroyd, Garry Marshall, and that guy from the Bernie & Phyl's commercials who is also Garry Marshall. > But BACK TO THE COOKIE MONSTER!! He sang a song, and I > don't remember the exact words, but basically The Cookie > Monster was singing "Don't just eat cookies, you have to > eat HEALTHY FOOD!". And the song named all these foods > from the major food groups! Does anybody have the words > to this song? WHY WOULD THE COOKIE MONSTER BE ADVOCATING > THE CONSUMPTION OF NON-COOKIE-RELATED COMESTIBLES? WHAT > IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD? WHAT NEXT, OSCAR THE GROUCH > SINGING A SONG SAYING THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE GROUCHY ALL > THE TIME AND SHOULD BE *NICE* TO PEOPLE? SOMEBODY SHOULD > *BLOW* *SESAME* *STREET* *UP*!!!11!!! I think it should be a special two-hour episode where the do the "Final Episode Of Little House On The Prairie" thing and the Muppets overthrow their human oppressors and murder all of them and then blow up every building on Sesame Street one after the other in super-slow-motion to prevent them from ever making any more episodes. And then Avon would shoot Blake by accident, and Bruce Boxleitner's soul would ascend a flickering rainbow-colored beam into Heaven while holding a Frisbee above his head. > Oh yeah and the Cookie Monster was also singing in a rap > style, and he had lots of gold chains around his neck. He > was also doing his best to do S00PER-SEKRIT gang hand signals, > but HEY! HE'S JUST A PUPPET! But hopefully some gang will > assassinate Cookie Monster as well. And, ironically, the gang will include at least one member wearing those Cookie Monster talking T-shirts that caused that scandal a year and a half ago when they were yanked off the hangers at Wal-Mart. (For those who don't recall, the inarticulately cheap recording in the shirts was rumored to say something like "GET READY TO *FUDGE*, HERE COMES COOKIE!" Much like the rumors about the inarticulately cheap Furby and the inarticulately cheap Teletubbies and especially that doll who was rumored to say "Kill Mommy!" but was actually saying "Kill Barbie!") > And isn't Guy Smiley just Kermit The Frog with a > different head? No, he's Don Music with the SAME head. -- K. Can we also call a hit on Gerbert? (Isn't Kermit Love just Jim Henson with a softer head?) -------