Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.music.video-games From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 'Pinky' jailed on firearms charges Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 7 Feb 1999 08:42:08 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > LOS ANGELES, Feb. 5 (UPI) -- Roz Kelly, who played Fonzie's > > girlfriend, Pinky Tuscadero, on the TV series ``Happy Days'' is facing > > criminal charges that she fired a shotgun into neighbors' cars and a > > house after their car alarms went off and woke her up repeatedly. > > I am disappointed this was not about the monster from Pac-Man. Well, Shadow (aka "Blinky") is currently undergoing detox for dot addiction, Bashful (aka "Inky") now works behind the counter at a Taco Bell Express in a convenience store, and Pokey (aka "Clyde") mistakenly entered the time-space-distorting wraparound tunnel backwards and is going to be stuck in limbo for 48.3 years before reappearing on the other side of the screen. In an "Asteroids" game. But nobody knows what happened to Speedy, aka "Pinky". It is speculated that Pinky got killed by the Ghostbusters, but nobody noticed because they weren't The Real Ghostbusters, just the ones with Larry Storch and the gorilla. Speedy/Pinky was widely reputed to be the fastest, loosest, and flooziest ghost, while Clyde was the one who got the sex change and became "Sue" in "Ms. Pac-Man". NAMES & NICKNAMES OF PAC-MAN GHOSTS JAPANESE (orig.) JAPANESE (alt.) ENGLISH RED Oikake ("Akabei") Urchin ("Macky") Shadow ("Blinky") PINK Machibuse ("Pinky") Romp ("Micky") Speedy ("Pinky") CYAN Kimagure ("Aosuke") Stylist ("Mucky") Bashful ("Inky") ORANGE Otoboke ("Guzuta") Crybaby ("Mocky") Pokey ("Clyde") Clip & save that chart to help you keep all twenty-four ghost names straight. I got the Japanese names (both sets) from the original Namco version of Pac-Man (there was a switch you could flip to choose which of the two sets of names, and no, I don't know why each set of names also had a set of nicknames) and the English names came from the American version by Midway. Midway changed "Clyde" to "Sue" in "Ms. Pac-Man", and to "Tim" in "Jr. Pac-Man". There were also assorted bootlegs where the images and names had been modified (for instance, "Hangly Man" -- which was apparently supposed to be "Hungry Man" -- was a bootleg Pac-Man, which was itself bootlegged as "Popeye" with a little Popeye head eating dots and being chased by ghosts) as well as non-illegal modifications for such things as "Pac-Man Plus" (where the ghosts turned to... well... I don't know what they were supposed to be, when you ate an energy pill, and the cherries were replaced by a Coke can.) Anyway, I think "Guzuta" and "Mucky" are my favorite names for brightly- colored ghosts that go "WOO WOO WOO" and taste good but only if you eat one of the flashing octagons first. It's just like real life only it keeps score AUTOMATICALLY!!! Also, as I've pointed out before, you get big points if you eat a durian. Gotta go, I need to practice singing the Atari 2600 version of the Pac-Man theme music for my vanity karaoke album, and I still have trouble remembering all four notes. BLEE-BLEE, BLEE-BLURT!!! (bonk bonk bonk bonk) -- K. And the most puzzling name for a Japanese video game of that era: "Slap Fight". For years I avoided playing it 'cause I assumed it was about Tony Randall and Andy Dick fighting over tickets to a Streisand concert, but it turns out to be a fly-a-plane-and-drop-bombs- on-the-futuristic-tanks game. P.S. Short Shameful Confession: When I first read that wire-service news item, I was hoping it was about Pinky Lee, who once had a heart attack on the air after Pee-wee Herman came onto the set and stole all his stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 'Pinky' jailed on firearms charges Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 07:14:33 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Noah A Christis (haon4707@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > this post is not funny, skip it at your leisure. I AM ONLY FOLLOWUING UP TO YOUR POST OUT OF ALTRUISTIC MOTIVES, PERHAPS I CAN SAVE IT. OR AT LEAST APPEAR TO INNOCENTLY CONTRIBUTE TO ITS ACCIDENTAL DESTRUCTION. > here are your translations, nick: > > > RED Oikake ("Akabei") > Chaser {"The Red One") Those are weird translations of "nick". I knew it could mean "a small cut" as well as "to steal", but I didn't know that "nick" was the same as "The Red One". Brings a new meaning to the punchline of that Tex Avery cartoon where Daffy Duck tricks Porky Pig into destroying The House Of Tomorrow! > PINK Machibuse ("Pinky") > Ambusher ("The Pink One") THE AMBUSHER! STARRING DEAN MARTIN WITHOUT ANY GIRLS! PART OF THE "MOVIES NOBODY EVER GAVE A DAMN ABOUT" MARATHON HERE ON TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES! > CYAN Kimagure ("Aosuke") > Moody ("The Blue One") > ^^ maybe Fickle is a better translation? I like that because then we can pretend he's named "Pickle" and yell, "HEY, PICKLE, YOU'RE A DILLY! WHY THE SOUR PUSS?" Oh, sorry, I just made your article less funny than it wasn't. My bad! > ORANGE Otoboke ("Guzuta") > The honorable feigner of innocence ("The Retarded One") Well, "Pokey" is a pretty good translation of "The Retarded One". But "Guzuta" is still a hell of a lot more fun to say. -- K. HEY, GUZUTA, WHERE'S GUMBY? WHERE'S GOO? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Observations after reading a Kibo childhood reference Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 7 Feb 1999 08:51:03 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "the Ur-Beatle" (talysman@softhome.net) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > "Harold And The Purple Crayon", a book that got me into BIG trouble > > > when I was little. Also note that Harold is kinda like Curious George > > > only armed with a graffiti marker. I think he's a Crip. > > > > Dammit, now you've made me remember a book I read as a kid! But I > > don't remember what he drew with the purple crayon, I just remember > > it was really contrasted with the rest of the book which was in > > black and white. The point wasn't what he drew, the point is that the Man (represented by his mommy) kept putting him down by spanking his little black butt after he doodled all over the white white walls. For extra credit, discuss the subtle shifts in chromaticity after each page in "Goodnight Moon". (Not to be confused with Martin Landau's forthcoming "Goodbye Moon".) > both of you discussing purple crayon books have triggered > one of *my* memories, of a story (book?) that was included > in that one kids' magazine, the one that wasn't "Highlights" > that had a serialized english translation of TinTin. But they never translated the sound effects, which was the only bright note in an otherwise tedious comic story. Nothing would happen for several panels, then someone would kick the little dog and the kick would go "BOUM!" or "POUF!" and the doggie would say "WOAH!" I forget what the dog's name was, I want to say "Spunky" but that would be too silly even for a French puppy. > anyways, there was this one story about a boy who got mad > at his mother because it was raining, so he stayed in his > room and drew pictures of lima-shaped beings called "Blahs", > until he had drawn a whole army of Blahs, then crowned > himself king. the end. Did this boy have his own Internet newsgroup towards the end? If so, please let me know how many more pages I have to skip over to get my damn crown! Also, you people smell like lima beans. > also, Nick mentioning "Flat Stanley" reminded me of *that* > book, which, in contrast to Nick, I don't remember reading > or even seeing, but I know the story! Stanley gets attacked > by a bulletin board, which flattens him, and he gets to do > fun things like fold himself up and mail himself to exotic > places, until he starts to cry because he is flat, so his > little brother blows him up. the end. My favorite children's book at the moment is "The Stupids Die", parts of which were incorporated into the recent Tom Arnold movie. Also, I recently saw Patrick Stewart doing a cold-reading from "Everybody Poops" on TV. Who says daytime TV isn't educational? Except now lots of little kids will say "poop" with a pompous Shakespearian accent. -- K. I think Picard's a better captain than Kirk except for the "poop" part. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Observations after reading a Kibo childhood reference Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 23:20:45 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry ( kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I recently saw Patrick Stewart doing a cold-reading from "Everybody Poops" > > on TV. Who says daytime TV isn't educational? Except now lots of little > > kids will say "poop" with a pompous Shakespearian accent. > > OK, I have an announcement: > > I will pay Patrick Stewart $20 to read selected portions of Archimedes > Plutonium's autobiography. I will pay Terri $50 if she pays Patrick Stewart $100,000,000 to read ALL of Archimedes Plutonium's autobiography. Double that if he reads it aloud. -- K. I'm still writing my new kids' book, "Everybody Poops Except Kibo, So There!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.misc,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: #7 Proving that all species, even humans, go extinct Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 7 Feb 1999 09:41:09 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med, sci.bio.misc, and sci.physics, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > In this debate of whether all species eventually succumb to extinction, > it did not look rosy the last time I wrote on this subject. Hey, Arch, a lot of people seem to doubt your theory that humans will go extinct. And a lot of people also doubt you're a human. I have a simple way you can kill two birds with one stone, so to speed: Just be the first to go extinct. We'll catch up later. > [...doo-dah, doo-dah...] > > The Fusion Barrier Law > constraints may be a larger quantity or a greater acceleration than the > infinite potential to change DNA. For example, Earth hurdling into a > collision course with Jupiter faster than what we can do to establish a > colony beyond Earth out of harms reach. Even worse, what if the Earth was in a biathlon? Biathlons are much goofier than hurdles, and so would probably better fit your theory. By the way, I think you numbered your "Subject:" line wrong, I recall that you may have posted more than seven of these rants since you first attempted to communicate with we carbon-based life forms in 1993. -- K. Why do I get the feeling all of Archie's understanding of astrophysics comes from "Space: 1999"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: As The Moon Burns (February 8, 1999) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 06:47:04 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor IN THIS WEEK'S EPISODE: Kibo told his tedious wife, television's Barbara Bain, that he wants a divorce unless she wins an Oscar this spring. She burst into tears and pointed out that there was no time, as the nominations will be announced in two days, but Kibo smirkingly suggested that there was nothing in the United States Constitution that prohibited write-in campaigns for the Oscars. Unbeknownst to Kibo, Barbara Bain started seeing a therapist (Dr. Joyce Brothers) and the two of them began plotting against him. Fortunately, they got distracted during a role-playing session when they got confused as to which one of them was which. Meanwhile, Kibo made a romantic phone call to a mystery woman, telling her that they would have to keep her love affair secret until "Cinnamon is toast, because... well... you remember what happened with Woody and Soon-Yi." Could this mystery woman be the reason Kibo was so eager to go to Barbara Bain's family reunion? Kibo pretended not to notice the body of a Colombian drug lord floating face down in his swimming pool at his palatial estate in Beverly Hills... prompting his neighbor, Hugh Hefner, to have a flashback to the night when the concrete for the pool was poured at 3 A.M., the same night an entire Major League Baseball team owned by Kibo disappeared. And what is the identity of the mysterious stranger who was seen taping an envelope of unknown origin to the underside of Kibo's Dodge Viper? Will the bank foreclose on Kibo's Ferris wheel? What is in the locked drawer of Barbara Bain's vanity? Who is the man posing as Kibo's butler and why is he wearing moon boots? TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER THRILLING INSTALLMENT OF "AS THE MOON BURNS", FOLLOWING "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" ON MOST OF THESE CBS STATIONS! -- K. You can't say ANYTHING on TV if it's not true. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.taco-bell From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Are You Jealous Yet? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 06:59:49 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Powdered Lard itself has ingredients: (Dextrin, Lard.) That's right, > > lard isn't the most important ingredient in Powdered Lard. The sweetener > > is. Mmm-mmm! Candied lard! Move over, SweetTarts and Sixlets! > > Here come Willy Wonka's Lardlets! Fanny Farmer Lardlubbers! > > Necco Conversation Lard! > > Er, dextrin isn't dextrose. It's an adhesive. Mmmm, sticky. So you're saying that sweet things are never sticky? That's CRAZY TALK and I don't mean the funny Archimedes Plutonium kind! I bet when you spill water on your hands you try to wash it off with molasses! And when you can't remove your wedding ring you shove taffy under it! And instead of a shoehorn, you use a wet lollipop to slide your shoes on! Also, if dextrin is sticky and not sweet, doesn't that make blue Kool-Aid, which is 1% maltodextrin and 99% water, the most powerful adhesive known to humanity, which would mean that when the giant scary pitcher smashes through your wall and bellows "OH YEAH!!!" you wouldn't need to repair the hole afterwards because all the loose bricks would be glued together by the pitcher's adhesive blue sweat, when we know that this is not the case? LOOK MOMMY I MADE THAT SENTENCE ALL BY MYSELF! > > I wish Fabio would invent aerosol lard... > > I can' beleev is not-a lard. I doubt Fabio is man enough to handle lard. Real men like lard. Fabio would probably prefer schmaltz. AND SPEAKING OF SWISHY PEOPLE WHO ARE ON TV TOO MUCH, has anyone else ever noticed that John Henson's guest host on "Talk Soup" every weekend is a different sissy guy? I'M ONLY WATCHING THIS WEEK'S EPISODE BECAUSE THE SISSY GUY IS RYAN SEACREST THIS WEEK AND THEY KEEP CAPTIONING THE BOTTOM THE SCREEN "RYAN SEAQUEST", I SWEAR THIS IS THE REAL REASON I AM WATCHING HIM! Anyway, Fabio's aerosol butter isn't for Real Men the way that "TR-3" stuff that Mr. T used to advertise is. That stuff had quite a kick to it, and it didn't even need maltodextrin! -- K. WHAT DO YOU CALL A LEFT- HANDED DOG WHO'S ALL STICKY? DEXTRIN-TIN-TIN!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.taco-bell From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Are You Jealous Yet? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1999 08:26:35 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [discussion of delicious powdered pork soup containing "powdered lard"] > > > > Mmm-mmm! Candied lard! Move over, SweetTarts and Sixlets! Here come > > Willy Wonka's Lardlets! Fanny Farmer Lardlubbers! Necco Conversation Lard! > > Twenty years ago or so, I read a marvelous piece of propaganda fiction > about a little Jewish boy who ate candy that wasn't explicitly marked > Kosher but rationalized it because he checked the ingredient list, and the > ingredients looked okay. Then, by accident, he discovered that his > favorite candy was made on the same machine as "Lardo"-brand candy, made > from real lard, and that's why his favorite candy didn't have a Kosher > symbol even though the individual ingredients were alright. The little > boy felt physically ill when he realized what he had done, and realized > that he should never eat foods that weren't explicitly approved by a > rabbi. TELL ME WHERE I CAN GET THIS, I'VE GOT TO HAVE IT!!! Lardo brand candy, I mean, not the stupid propaganda story designed to make Jewish kids worry about yet another thing. (Jewish boys have enough to worry about all the time, what with the yarmulke symbolizing that God is always staring at them from directly overhead and that He can see right through a yarmulke and that it's shaped exactly like the bald spot they'll get from worrying about God watching them take showers. I think inter-denominational understanding would be furthered if everyone swapped religions for a day:) JEWISH GUY (in confessional): Oy, I killed a guy! I confess! Hey, that felt good! I confess a hundred times, I killed him! Yay! No more worrying! I'm free! (skips down the aisle) Enough of this vaguely anti-anti-Semitic rant. Back to why I want Lardo candy: I think Lardo candy would taste swell, all lardy and stuff, and it would probably have this exotic flavor from having been contaminated by being made in the same machine as the kosher candy. So, how did the story end? Did little Moishe go to the special Jewish version of Hell where all the bad kids who ate good candy go, or did the rabbi team up with LetterMan to turn into a rabbit to save the day? Those of you who weren't scarred for life by the Children's Television Workshop's attempt at a "Laugh-In" clone with Morgan Freeman don't know what you missed. I mean, Jewish kids got scared by stories about candy, but we goyim got scarred by lame television shows produced by EX-HIPPIES! Also, I'd like to know what kind of accident it takes for you to find out what kind of industrial machine makes the kinds of candy you don't eat. > P.S. Didn't Oreos used to be made with lard? Or was there another reason > I had to eat Hydrox instead? Hydrox are made AGAINST lard. The special dies that they're stamped out into are 100% rock-hard lard. Which is also used for the white keys of pianos, and all billiard balls except for the naturally-occurring ones. -- K. I better go check my pork & lard powder soup to see if it's kosher. Hmm, it doesn't say that, but it does say "VEGETABLE" in large letters, so I bet it's wrong about not being kosher too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics,sci.math From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: a fair and just hearing in civil court Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 07:55:07 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > My lawsuit against Dartmouth was dismissed. Gee, and I would have thought you would have gotten used to having your wacky ideas dismissed by other people. > Perhaps for technical > reasons of pro se. Perhaps a trained lawyer would have done > differently, such as writing up the complaint sheet, that the case > would still be active. Yes, that is a good suggestion, perhaps if you had submitted your case in writing instead of as a musical dance number they might have listened. > However, in the interim of this lawsuit I found out from the Dartmouth > newpaper that the Governor of the State of New Hampshire is a member of > the board of trustees of Dartmouth. So, what I am wondering is whether > any lawsuit involving Dartmouth would get a fair and just hearing in > court? Or is it highly slanted in favor of Dartmouth simply because the > chief of state, the governor is also a Dartmouth trustee? I am sure the governor spends a LOT of his day worrying about you. > My lawsuit against Dartmouth involved the misappropriation of > handicapped workers yearly pay raises. If I had won such a court > battle, the negative publicity to Dartmouth would have been unwanted. > So something as sensitive as this would have been wanted to be swept > under the carpet the fastest and easiest way-- to dismiss the case. So, in what sense are you potwashers considered handicapped? Besides your inability to write lawsuits that the judge takes seriously. I don't think you get to use the special parking space just for being a bozo. > And, I was never even allowed the process of "Discovery" in my > lawsuit. To gain the particular data of the misappropriation of pay > raise money. A motion of stay and a motion to dismiss was entered > simultaneously and granted. Well, why didn't you move to dismiss the motion to dismiss? Duh!!! And it looks like you have yet to learn the legal doctrine of "NO GIVEBACKS". I CALL COOTIES ON ARCHIE, NO GIVEBACKS!!! ALSO I MOVE TO DISMISS EVERYTHING HE SAYS IN ADVANCE!!! THEN I SECOND MY MOTION!!! THEN I THIRD MY MOTION TIMESED BY INFINITY TO THE INFINITY POWER PLUS ONE ZILLION!!! > It would be easy for the Governor to call the courthouse and to talk > about such and such a case. And of course the judges all know that the > Governor is a Dartmouth trustee. And it would be very easy for a judge > to simply "dismiss" the case without giving any merit to any of the > legal issues. > > So, can any lawsuit against Dartmouth, considering that the Governor > of New Hampshire is a trustee, receive a fair and just hearing? > > I have read the Superior Court Rule for Motion for Reconsideration Wow, you've read a rule. You're almost .0000001% of the way to getting your law degree. > and it reads thus: > > R 59 - A (1) A motion for reconsideration or other post-decision > relief shall be filed within ten (10) days of the date on the Clerk's > written notice of the order or decision... The motion shall state, with > particular clarity, points of law or fact that the Court has overlooked > or misapprehended and shall contain such argument in support of the > motion as the movant desires to present; but the motion shall not > exceed ten (10) pages. > > And I understand that the court need not even reply to a motion of > reconsideration. That's why I'm better than the court, Archie, unlike them I still reply to your nutty rants. Now let's hug! > Can someone tell me, whether I can file the same charges in criminal > court, that of misappropriation, and thereby the court is obliged to > obtain the data and facts that I was denied in "Discovery" process? How > does criminal court work? Do I just enter a sheet of charges? Arch, for once you're behaving rationally -- I suspect that bringing charges _before_ finding out "How does criminal court work?" would be a bad idea. However, I suggest that after you go into the court and act like a bozo you don't tell the judge, "I know how criminal court works, I asked some guys on the Internet!" Maybe you should watch some "Schoolhouse Rock" episodes first or something. > What irks me about the case being dismissed is that I was denied the > process of discovery. Courts have their procedures that they so much > want people to follow. And I, would like to see my case given the same > respect of procedural correctness. To slap a Stay Motion simultaneously > with a Dismiss Motion, I feel I have been cheated of the legal > procedures. Yeah! To be fair, judges should let anyone who doesn't know anything about the law do whatever the heck they want! Even Charles Manson could represent himself better than you could. Hey, maybe you could hire him to be your lawyer! Then at least you'd only be the second most craziest person in the room. > I do not know if an appeal to the New Hampshire Supreme Court would > do any good. Maybe the court systems are so overloaded that the judges > have a line drawn between smallish cases and pressing cases, and all > those smallish cases are dismissed routinely just to unburden the > courts. Oh, yeah, I'm sure your complaints written on wacky little cocktail napkins with random strings of legal-sounding words on them are an enormous burden on our gigantic legal system. Have you considered going to Science Court? It airs right after "Schoolhouse Rock". -- K. Archie, instead of being your own lawyer, maybe you should try being your own judge. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: filing in civil court versus filing in criminal court Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 08:01:51 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal, Willondon Donovan (willondon@bigfoot.com) wrote: > > I am not a lawyer. That's okay, compared to Archie you ARE a lawyer. > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > I have had one experience in filing in civil court. What does it involve > > in filing for criminal court, is it somewhat similar? The state is New > > Hampshire. [...] > > > > Can some of the complaints of the civil court be filed in criminial court? > > Again, only the state or crown may file a claim in a criminal court. That's okay too, because Archie has appointed himself "The King Of Science And Logic". And we can't dispute that because he's the King Of Logic so none of us are entitled to use logic without his permission. So anyway, he can file a criminal case 'cause he's a king. He can even behead the loser, unless he's the loser. And what are the odds of Archimedes being a loser? Of course, he can't sue me 'cause I'm a king too, and as Archie has "solved the game of chess" he knows that a king can't take a king. -- jes' call me "King Bozo" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Cookie Monster SELLS OUT!!!!!1! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 08:15:24 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor beable@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > So I was watching Sesame Street last night, I think what you are about to say will blow the lid off the secret world of Kibology's late-night party scene. > and Little Elmo > comes on with somebody named "Rosie". The caption read > "Rosie O'Donnell". So I went "Ohhh THAT'S Rosie O'Donnell!", > because I didn't know who she was. Then she sings the > ABCDEFGIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ song, and Elmo sings it too. But > the thing is, she sings a RAP version, complete with those > S00PER-SEKRIT hand signs that the gang members make. Hopefully > she made some signs which will mortally offend some gang > members, who will then assassinate her. Or at least force her to make more bad movies with Dan Aykroyd in bondage gear so that the movie critics of the world will assassinate her, Dan Aykroyd, Garry Marshall, and that guy from the Bernie & Phyl's commercials who is also Garry Marshall. > But BACK TO THE COOKIE MONSTER!! He sang a song, and I > don't remember the exact words, but basically The Cookie > Monster was singing "Don't just eat cookies, you have to > eat HEALTHY FOOD!". And the song named all these foods > from the major food groups! Does anybody have the words > to this song? WHY WOULD THE COOKIE MONSTER BE ADVOCATING > THE CONSUMPTION OF NON-COOKIE-RELATED COMESTIBLES? WHAT > IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD? WHAT NEXT, OSCAR THE GROUCH > SINGING A SONG SAYING THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE GROUCHY ALL > THE TIME AND SHOULD BE *NICE* TO PEOPLE? SOMEBODY SHOULD > *BLOW* *SESAME* *STREET* *UP*!!!11!!! I think it should be a special two-hour episode where the do the "Final Episode Of Little House On The Prairie" thing and the Muppets overthrow their human oppressors and murder all of them and then blow up every building on Sesame Street one after the other in super-slow-motion to prevent them from ever making any more episodes. And then Avon would shoot Blake by accident, and Bruce Boxleitner's soul would ascend a flickering rainbow-colored beam into Heaven while holding a Frisbee above his head. > Oh yeah and the Cookie Monster was also singing in a rap > style, and he had lots of gold chains around his neck. He > was also doing his best to do S00PER-SEKRIT gang hand signals, > but HEY! HE'S JUST A PUPPET! But hopefully some gang will > assassinate Cookie Monster as well. And, ironically, the gang will include at least one member wearing those Cookie Monster talking T-shirts that caused that scandal a year and a half ago when they were yanked off the hangers at Wal-Mart. (For those who don't recall, the inarticulately cheap recording in the shirts was rumored to say something like "GET READY TO *FUDGE*, HERE COMES COOKIE!" Much like the rumors about the inarticulately cheap Furby and the inarticulately cheap Teletubbies and especially that doll who was rumored to say "Kill Mommy!" but was actually saying "Kill Barbie!") > And isn't Guy Smiley just Kermit The Frog with a > different head? No, he's Don Music with the SAME head. -- K. Can we also call a hit on Gerbert? (Isn't Kermit Love just Jim Henson with a softer head?) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Valentine Sucker Sale Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 08:22:35 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Theo Mora (theomora@math.fsu.edu) wrote: > > > > And I assume you are speaking of Archimedes Plutonium > > whose peninsula is in fact very, very small. > > His peninsula is actually an island. Actually, I think it's imaginary. And it can be an island too. He doesn't have a peninula, and even if he did, it would be really small and not connected to the rest of him. And it would be kept in a jar of rancid formaldehyde in the basement of whatever is the exact opposite of the Smithsonian Institution. Provided it's not my apartment. -- K. And you know how they lost Einstein's brain after he died? Well, Archie's brain will be clearly labelled and put under a giant glowing orange cenotaph so that space aliens won't accidentally dig it up in the future. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Valentine Sucker Sale Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 09:24:42 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > (not to mention the fact that for someone who's never going to post again > > (a la Pacheco) he seems to post a fair amount) > > Yeah, but the difference is that I *really* stopped posting. > > Oh wait... damn. > > Jeez, now I owe everyone $1000. No, you owe EACH person $1000, you owe EVERYONE six billion times that. And that goes double for me. Because I'm DOUBLY SPECIALLER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. > -dp. > The line starts at Kibo's house, > next to Raul Julia's gravestone That's not Raul Julia's gravestone! That's where my other two ribs are buried! -- K. P.S. I HEAR THAT AT THE BURGER KING PLAYSPACE THERE'S AN ECCENTRIC MILLIONAIRE WHO KEEPS HIDING THOUSAND-DOLLAR BILLS IN THE POOL OF BALLS. HE GETS THEM FROM DAVID PACHECO! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: A phrase I need to use Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 08:27:34 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > Readers expecting a commentary on R’os' Larva cycle appreciated the > author's ēlbum de Babel, an illustrated multilingual punhouse of > polysemous compositions. I wish *I* had an illustrated multilingual punhouse of polysemous compositions. -- K. That is the only occurrence of that phrase in the whole Encyclopaedia Britannica. I checked. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.writing.screenplays,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Quick Visit From World's Sexiest Writer Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1999 08:03:05 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In misc.writing.screenplays, Dan Harmon (protagonist@cwix.com) wrote: > > When I was in fourth grade, my principal told me I was "stupid" for not > joining the soft ball league. He was wrong. Yeah! Any bozo can see that that's not the reason you're stupid! > Equally wrong were every single one of my gym and math teachers. This really is a beautiful parody of Archimedes Plutonium's serious posts. You have a special gift for Special Satire. > When I was living in Milwaukee, my then-girlfriend told me that there would > come a day when I would realize that I wouldn't be allowed to do whatever I > wanted to do. She was wrong, as well. Oh, dear, looks like Lee Bumgarner's posting under a new name. > Everyone that ever didn't think I was, in my own special way, the world's > coolest, sexiest, most wonderful man alive, has now officially been proven > wrong. Oh, dear, looks like Lee Bumgarner and Archie Plutonium are now both posting under new names which are exactly the same because they have become conjoined twins after a horrible badminton accident. > Likewise, none of the stupid things I've ever done can be called "mistakes." > They shall now be known as "steps toward a goal." Furthermore, any > "mistakes" I appear to make at the PRESENT time will no longer be known as > "mistakes." They will heretofore be known as "excentricities." Likewise, Bill Gates announced today that the bugs in the forthcoming "Windows 2000" will now be known as "Happy Critterz(TM)." > From now on, anybody that says anything bad about me is "jealous." I have > decreed it. Yeah, well, I'm super-"hip" because I was jealous of you back when you were pathetic! -- K. I'm only being mean to you 'cause you sound kind of like Lee Bumgarner, and it's okay to pick on poor Lee for no reason other than peer pressure. I like Lee, I really do, but society's norms here on the Internet require me to be evil. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Kibo presents: The Special Commercial! -- Wedgietrons For You! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 05:12:30 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Because an all-new classic episode of Kibo's "The Special Show" is only days away, we'd like to take this opportunity to give you a sneak preview of one of the commercials from the next episode of "The Special Show". Watch and learn! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ WHY YOU NEED A WEDGIETRON(tm) BRAND PERSONAL COMPUTER Let's look at the competition. Brand A can connect to the Internet. And Brand B can do your taxes. (picture of two computers. A giant red crayon crosses them out, and then the picture shatters to reveal a Wedgietron flying through outer space.) But the Wedgietron is a superior breed of personal computer -- it can't do any of that computery stuff. IT JUST GIVES WEDGIES.(tm) While the LOSERS with Brand A or Brand B or even Brand C computers are "surfing" the "net" like idiots while doing their taxes, you can relax in the comfort of your own home as you are given painful wedgies automatically. The Wedgietron's patented "U-Needa-Wedgie"(tm) technology applies an excruciatingly painful wedgie whenever you need a wedgie. And special circuitry ensures that you need a wedgie at least every fifteen minutes. It is completely automatic -- there are no refills to buy and no way to prevent an extreme wedgie. By the numbers, Brand A seems like a good value until you realize that you get NO WEDGIES for TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS. But the Wedgietron, at the same price, gives infinitely more wedgies, without the need of expensive add-ons like a color monitor or printer. The Wedgietron is a simple, self-contained unit which attaches permanently to your desk and has no configuration options for you to break, and no parts to lose. IT'S ALL WEDGIES IN THERE.(tm) Here are some unpaid testimonials from satisfied Wedgietron customers: (Emo Philips voice) "Dear Wedgietron Inc., I recently purchased a Wedgietron and I think there may be something wrong with it. Is it supposed to give me wedgies? They really hurt... owwww!" Yes, the Wedgietron really works! All day, every day! There are no expensive wedgie clubs to join and no protective goggles required! (Jerry Seinfeld voice) "Dear Wedgietron Inc., while using my Wedgietron, it gave me a wedgie I didn't like, and when I tried to press the 'undo' key, there wasn't one! Is this true?" Wedgies are irreversible and permanent! The Wedgietron has no 'undo' key because it NEEDS no 'undo' key! 'undo' keys are useless! Buy a Wedgietron! WEDGIES ARE FOREVER!(tm) (Andy Dick voice) "Dear Wedgietron Inc., my Wedgietron keeps giving me wedgies. Even though I unplugged it and am now across town from it. Why?" That's because you are a smart consumer who made a wise choice in purchasing the spanking-new Wedgietron 2000! It gives you wedgies ALL the time, NO MATTER WHAT! It cannot break! It cannot be turned off! It cannot be thrown out! It will start giving you wedgies even before it arrives! All you have to do is THINK about ordering one! THINK ABOUT ORDERING YOUR WEDGIETRON RIGHT NOW! (Kermit The Frog voice) "Dear Wedgietron Inc., I bought a Wedgietron as a gift for my brother-in-law and it won't let me give it to him. It keeps giving me wedgies. And each one is worse than the last. Will this torture never end?" We guarantee that the torture WILL NOT END for at least 99 YEARS from the end of the year after you buy your Wedgietron! No other computer company can guarantee wedgies for SO MANY YEARS! On a Brand A computer you can't even get wedgies for ONE year! (a sad-looking guy with messy hair and huge eyebrows stands in front of an iMac with tape over its logo, drooling. The word "DUMB" is flashed in front of his face in buzzing red letters.) The Wedgietron company was founded on the idea of WEDGIES FOR EVERYONE! (an old-timey guy is whittling the first Wedgietron computer out of wood. We can tell this is in the distant past because it is seen through a brown filter and there is video static mixed into the picture.) "When I built the first Wedgietron with my two hands, I always said, 'Jes' do one thing, and do it well.' That was over two hundred years ago. Now, wedgies are plentiful, and soon everyone will have a Wedgietron, and they'll thank me!" (a guy wearing a silver robe with giant shoulders, and wrap-around sunglasses, is living in the future. We can tell because all the colors are too bright and the picture has very large pixels in it.) "Thank you for inventing the Wedgietron! That's why the future turned out so wedgie-riffic!" (stock footage of a crowd cheering. Hitler is cropped out of the frame at the top.) And just to make this an even better value, we'll throw in -- ABSOLUTELY FREE -- this special chair which is guaranteed to make the wedgies ever so much more painful! No more unsightly sandpaper is required, just SIT ON IT! And this chair is made of 100% recycled wadded-up screen doors! This is an incredible value, a Wedgietron AND this EXPENSIVE FREE CHAIR for one low price! Ten payments of five hundred dollars each or if you prefer, eleven payments of five thousand dollars each! Or choose both payment options and only pay double! It's all up to you, notwithstanding the fact that YOU STILL NEED A WEDGIE! Order your Wedgietron NOW! (still picture of Bill Gates with "tears" running down the front. His mouth is badly-animated to make it look as if he is speaking as a voice says, "I wish I had invented the Wedgietron!") WEDGIETRON. THE INTELLIGENT CHOICE FOR A MASSIVE WEDGIE.(tm) WEDGIETRON COMPUTERS INC. IS NOT AFFILIATED WITH WEDGIETRON WORLD INTERNATIONAL, A CHARITABLE YOUTH ORGANIZATION. WEDGIES MAY VARY. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tune in to the next episode of Kibo's "The Special Show" to hear Spider-Man say: "ZONK ZINK TWEE-TWEE BLURRRRP!" -- K. Wedgietron and new Wedgietron For Kids each sold separately. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kibology is... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 05:23:44 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > > > Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > > > > > Kibology is the sound of one hand laughing > > > > at William Shatner's toupee > > being run over Kibology is the sound of one Froggy clapping in the forest where nobody can hear it, not even the elves who make special cookies in the invisible tree that everyone knows about except for bozos who reply to their own articles. -- K. Also you spelled your E-mail address wrong three times, so I fixed 'em all. You owe me $150 for this service. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Important scientific announcement. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 06:08:30 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > The asteroid Eros is shaped exactly like the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile. > > You heard it here first. So? EVERYTHING is shaped like either the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile or that giant doughnut on top of that shop in Hollywood. Well, okay, Archimedes Plutonium isn't shaped like either of them. That's because he's a scientist. -- K. Matt McIrvin has a college degree in science. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Something I wonder about...about Bubbles Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 06:15:36 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote: > > Where do bubbles go when they pop? I sense Cap'n Infinity making a big dotted line in the shaped of a sideways "8" throughout his neighborhood for all eternity, because everyone knows an "8" is a closed loop but only if you turn it sideways. Then Mommy asks, "Who left the fresh fish in the microwave for six hours?" and he points to his invisible friend I. DIDIT and yells "I. DIDIT!" Next he tries to give his pet bubble a bath by pouring bubble bath on it and it explodes, and then his pet ant runs away when he's not looking, and then the big kids take away his favorite rock. Also they step on ants continuously for the next twenty-four hours just in case they get the right one. -- K. YOU PEOPLE, STOP TRAVELING BACK IN TIME JUST TO BE MEAN TO LITTLE CAPTAIN INFINITY!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Falwell warns of "gay" Teletubby Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 08:23:14 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [I am probably only about the tenth person to report this to alt.religion.kibology today. Well, I'm still going to post this before reading your articles, because I feel that it is more important for me to post stuff than it is for anyone to read anything.] In a wire-service news article which you can tell was THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS THIS WEEK because it was posted in clari.news.gays, clari.news.religion, clari.living.bizarre, clari.living.tv, clari.news.childrn+family, clari.living.top, clari.news.issues, clari.news.minorities, AND clari.living, l'Agence France-Presse wrote: > > WASHINGTON, Feb 10 (AFP) - Tinky Winky, one of four characters > on the children's TV program "Teletubbies," is gay and therefore a > moral menace to US youth, fundamentalist Christian leader Jerry > Falwell has warned. > Writing in the February edition of his magazine, National > Liberty Journal, Falwell asserted that the creators of the popular > show intended for Tinky Winky, the largest of the Teletubbies, to be > a gay role model. Falwell then said that to avoid falling into "The Tinky-Winky Trap" he would prevent the Teletubbies from "recruiting" him by doing the exact opposite of everything Tinky-Winky does, to wit: > "He is purple -- the gay-pride color; ...so Rev. Falwell immediately began dressing only in pink. > and his antenna is shaped like a triangle -- the gay-pride symbol," > Falwell wrote. ...and so to indicate that he is a REAL MAN he now wears a completely MANLY logo consisting of not just one "male" sign but TWO "male" signs, AND NO TRIANGLES!!! ESPECIALLY NOT DARK PURPLE ONES!!! > He also noted that the character has a boy's voice ...said Falwell in his newly-adopted little girl's voice, > and carries a purse-like bag. ...and Falwell was quick to point out that he could NEVER carry a purse because his wrists aren't strong enough. > "These subtle depictions are no doubt intentional and parents > are warned to be alert to these elements of the series." BUT FORTUNATELY THE OTHER THREE TELETUBBIES ARE COMPLETELY ABOVE REPROACH. Therefore, you can put a dark purple filter over your TV screen and all the other Teletubbies will still be visible. Except they'll all be purple. So then you'll have to point a black and white TV camera at the purple filter over your color TV set, and look through the viewfinder, in accordance with Rev. Falwell's new motto, EYESTRAIN IS A SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR NOT GROWING UP GAY! > The Teletubbies program was created in Britain and began > broadcast in the United States last spring. It has since become one > of the most popular television programs for toddlers in the > country. It is particularly popular among gay babies. > Itsy Bitsy Entertainment Co., the firm which licenses the > Teletubbies in the United States, has denied that Tinky Winky was > conceived as a gay role model and said the character's purse was > merely a "magic bag." Tinky-Winky was conceived as a role model for ALL people everywhere, and someday EVERYONE WILL TURN PURPLE AND CARRY MAGIC PURSES THAT AREN'T REALLY PURSES BECAUSE THEY'RE FULL OF MAGICAL FAIRY DUST! I think they could have said it's a gym bag or something else a little manlier than "a magic bag". "MAGIC IS FOR DILETTANTES AND WEAKLINGS!" -- Aleister Crowley, explaining why he spelled HIS special fetish "magick" > Falwell's claim however prompted an angry outcry Wednesday from > US gay rights leaders. Including Bonk-Bonk, Flibberly, Dampy, Zee-zee, Dripso, and Spanky-Wanky. OH NO! I HAVE DISCOVERED THE DANGEROUS TRUTH THAT JERRY FALWELL COULD NOT SEE! THE GAY COMMUNITY IS ACTUALLY SERVING AS ROLE MODELS FOR THE TELETUBBIES, IN AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE THE TELETUBBIES TURN GAY! QUICK, SEND THE TELETUBBIES TO MILITARY SCHOOL! > "Jerry Falwell's paranoia about gay people has reached a new and > ludicrous high water mark," said David Smith, communications > director for the lesbian and gay political organization Human Rights > Campaign. > "He continues to demean and insult gay people, which continues > to foster a divisive environment in this country that sometimes > leads to violence," Smith said in a statement. Then the Teletubbies beat the stuffing out of Lamb Chop. > "The Human Rights Campaign assures the parents of the world that > your children will not become gay due to the subversive effects of > the color purple, triangles and magic bags." But... it's a MAGIC bag. It might have unlimited godlike power over time and space, like Batman's utility belt! If so, it could easily TURN EVERYONE GAY ANY TIME IT WANTS TO! > The Teletubbies are played by actors in brightly-colored, > thickly-padded costumes. They have small television screens on their > stomachs. GAY! GAY! GAY! HAVING TELEVISION SCREENS IS GAY! -- K. Also, I hear that inside the Teletubbies, those four actors are all NAKED! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Falwell warns of "gay" Teletubby Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 04:55:58 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [discussion of Jerry Falwell's statement that looking at triangles, purple things, and giant foam rubber space babies makes you turn gay] Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > You know, this uproar over Tinky-Winky is all well and good, but what > _I_ wanna know is, where was Jerry Falwell to warn us about Mr. Peabody > and Sherman? You misspelled "Dilbert and Dogbert". Hope this helps. THE TEN GAYEST TV SHOWS EVER!!! 10. Star Trek 9. Xena, Warrior Princess 8. Baywatch 7. Teletubbies 6. Three's Company 5. Hooperman 4. Love, Sidney 3. NBC's "seaQuest DSV" 2. Knight Rider 1. Automan That only counts network or syndicated shows. Cable shows are not included, because otherwise the whole list would be "E!". For "Fashion Emergency", the Golden Globes pre-awards shows hosted by Joan Rivers, and especially every episode of "Talk Soup". Ever notice that John Henson's guest host every weekend is someone who is incredibly obviously gay? Except when he has a woman on, but the only woman he ever lets host is Janeane Garofalo. Anyway, when Andy Dick or Roger Lodge or Ryan "seaQuest" Seacrest or that guy from "The Kids In The Hall" is hosting, don't watch or you might turn gay and then you'd have to watch E!'s other crappy programs, like the two-hour special on the life of Mr. T. > I mean, geez! The implied homosexuality was serious enough, but you also got > elements of bestiality and pedophilia mixed in! And transpecieism (a dog > taking on the guise of a human)! > > Forget about magic bags and large purple triangles! DON'T LET OUR KIDS BE > SEDUCED BY TALKING DOGS WEARING GLASSES!11!! > > Sean ("Now that I think of it, the 'Way Back Machine' sounds THAT MUCH MORE > SINISTER AND DEVIANT!") Smith You forgot to mention that Dino on "The Flintstones" is ALSO bright purple and Fred Flintstone's orange fur outfit has triangles all over it... and it's not a shirt and pants... it's a DRESS!!! So I would have to say that "The Flintstones" probably turned a lot more people gay than "Teletubbies" because unlike "Teletubbies", "The Flintstones" was a high-quality brainy show that intelligent grownups could also enjoy. "The Flintstones" was completely and totally gay, as well as being well-animated and not overrated in any way. OH NO! I WATCHED TOO MUCH "TENNESSEE TUXEDO" AND IT TURNED ME SARCASTIC!!! Well, I'm glad I'm sarcastic and not gay. If I were both, I'd have to be Paul Lynde, and he's DEAD!!! -- K. I hear that on "The Hollywood Squares" he kept asking to redesign the set so that he could occupy "the center triangle". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Falwell warns of "gay" Teletubby Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 04:45:32 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, I hear that inside the Teletubbies, those four actors are all NAKED! > > > No, no. You don't understand. Inside each Teletubbie is four people! > > Who are also naked! Oh, good lord. Don't bring up the subject of Mister Snuffleupaguss. Please. Also don't make any anagrams out of Mr. Snuffleupaguss's name because it would be something like "GLUE SNUFF UP ASS". And then whenever he was on the screen they'd have to flash "DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME" across him because otherwise some dyslexic kids would do it. No, wait, they'd have to flash an anagram of "DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME". But I can't think of any anagrams of "THIS" that you could say on Sesame Street. -- K. YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL PERVERTS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-winston From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Art Bell Says Everybody Is Sick. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 09:13:32 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > > > Please take care and prepare. The NBC attacks against U.S. Citizens > > are occurring NOW. > > Apparently, sweeps week is MUST-DIE TV! I think that this discussion would be so much clearer if instead of using the confusing acronym "NBC" (Nuclear-Biological-Chemical) we instead used the acronym the Brits prefer, "ABC", which is more fun and versatile because it can mean: a) an American TV network even crappier than NBC b) an Australian TV network that wishes it were the real ABC in the USA c) a British TV distribution syndicate that picked that acronym just so they could sell "The Avengers" to the real ABC in the USA d) a hit song by The Jackson Five before Michael turned white e) a special kind of chewing gum that is better than regular gum because you don't have to chew it as much to get it started and f) "Atomic-Biological-Chemical" Whenever the deadly ABC robot shows up in the "Judge Dredd" movie, I always try to help Stallone by shouting "LOOK OUT, ROCKY! THE ROBOT'S ALREADY BEEN CHEWED! AND IT JUST MADE HIM MAD!" "Judge Dredd" is based on one of the "2100 A.D." series of British comic books, as was the movie "Hardware" and the movie that never got made of "Rogue Trooper". I think with the last one they ran the idea past a focus group who just giggled and said, "HA HA HA! HE'S A SMURF WITH A GUN!" And then Matt McIrvin wrote "NEEDS A CHIMP!" on the feedback form and threw it at Sally Kellerman, and then she made the "Boris & Natasha" movie instead. -- K. Are they going to change the title of "2100 A.D." next year to not look dangerously unhip? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: image communication Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 09:31:53 GMT Reply-To: kibo@world.std.com Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Perceptor (cwheeler@optonline.net) wrote: > > Hi everyone, > > My name is don and this is the first time I have > visited here except in crossposts. > When I asked a friend what was this NG about he told > me "Kibology is the art of communicating with > images". I said, great it sounds like my cup of tea. > Now that I have come here I do not see any images > just text. > My question is , Was he just a funnin me , or what? > > Sincerly , > don wheeler-mings Hi Don, It's not funny to funnin people! You tell your friend to stop funnining you! He sounds like a REALLY MEAN FRIEND to me! But on behalf of mean people everywhere I apologize for his funninery. So now you can tell him you accept his apology. I don't know what he meant either except that "Image Communication" is Ricoh's corporate motto and I know that because at a trade show in a casino they gave me a gym bag with "Ricoh: Image Communication" printed on the side but I never use it because Tinky-Winky has one a lot like it except smaller and it doesn't have Ricoh's silly motto on it and also Tinky-Winky is gay and I'm not. I'm more like Dipsy. Anyway, it would be cool if Ricoh could come up with a way that you could make pictures out of words, and they could then say "See? 'Image Communication' isn't a pair of meaningless corporate buzzwords!" but that'll never happen because you can't stick letters together to make pictures because it's too hard to rub the glue stick on the letters. I try and try but they just go away when I turn my computer off. Gotta go, I need to cook something because I forgot to eat anything today. A REALLY NEAT .SIGNATURE FOLLOWS, PRESS "NO" IF YOU DONT WANT TO SEE IT !!!111 ^ L .SIGNATURE UNDER CONSTRUCTION....... LAST REVISED 5/12/1990 11:02:32 PM AND ALSO LAST REVISED 5/22/90 11:27:59 PM AND 8/22/1990 10:03:16 PM TOO AND 8/25/90 01:57:08 PM AND 11/11/90 12:35:53 AM <-- LAST TIME!! (WOW, FOUR 1'S IN A ROW!!!!) AND 7/8/91 2:06:03 AM <-- LATE NIGHT!! AND 9/6/91 2:51:26AM <--- LATER!!! AND 2/9/91^H^H92 4:25:43AM <--- WOW!!!! AND 7/8/92 1:58:59AM <-- CALL IT 2!!! AND 7/31/92 1:27:49AM <-- JUST FOR ONE NEW LINE!!!! NOT COUNTING THE ABOVE ONE OF COURSE!!!!!!!! AND 12:58:53 9/11/92 FOR ONE MORE!!! NOW IT'S DONE!!!! AND 9/25/92 1:24:33AM <-- AGAIN!!! AND 9.29.92 2L37L48AM AND 10/6/92 3:18:31AM <-- LATE BEDTIME HUH !!!! AND 3/8/93 2:23:38AM <--- LAST TIME REALLY!!!!! AND 4/5/94 9:00:58AM ! I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT FIXING ALL THE TYPOS !!!! AND 9/8/94 3:57AM FOR ONE LAST TYPO COPYRIGHT (C) COPYR.1988,1990,1989,1992,1993,1994 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TODOS LOS DERECHOS RESERVADOS!!! THIS POSTING MAY NOT BE REPORDUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT MY WRITTEN PERMISSION OR SOLD FOR MONETARY FINANCIAL PROFIT. AND 6/13/92 3:45:26PM <-- FRI THE 13TH !!! & 5/5/94 4:52AM <-- CINCO DE MAY-O !!!! I WROTE IT ALL BY MYSELF BUT THANKS TO MARK AND JASON DOMINUS, AND TO MATHEW WHOSE LAST NAME I FORGOT!!! AND ALL THOSE AUSSIES NAMED "IAIN"!!! I DIDN'T MAKE ANY SPELLING ERRERS SO YOU CAN'T POST THIS SIGNATURE TO ALT.FAN.WARLORD!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ^L THIS IS YOUR BRAIN. ___ /(()\ \__\| THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON THE INTERNET. ___ +-----+ /(()\ | VAX | \__\|===+_____+ ^L ____ / \__ |\ / @ \ \ \_______| \ .:|> "Dogs aren't ALLOWED? WAAAAAAH!" \ ##| | \__/ | ####\__/ \ -- Spot / / ## \| / /__________\ \ "On Usenet nobody knows you're a god!" L_JJ \__JJ -- Jerry Garcia S C R A T C H A N D S N I F F to enjoy the aromatic aroma of beautiful downtown schenectady !!!! _____________________________________________________________________________ james "kibo" parry, at an undisclosed location in a major city (not schenectady. kibo@prodigy.ibm.COM _________________________________________________ kibo@world.COM@uunet.COM / Kibology / Anything I say is my opinion, kibo@world.BITNET@bitnet.COM is better! / and is the opposite of Xibo's. __________________________/_____________/_____________________________________ "All colors are arbitrary." --Carl Sagan / Bozos use anything but emacs! __________________________________________/___________________________________ Wacky, wild, Kibo style! / You're allowed. (Unless you don't want to be... ________________________/_ you are also allowed to not be allowed.) _________ I never said I wasn't a bozo. /____________________________________/_Hi mom!_ _____________________________/ Life is silly but should be taken seriously. Some days you / Klods * / TV is evil and should be destroyed. Really. just can't get / for /__________________________________________________ rid of a bomb. / klods / Moisten needle before inserting Taiwan. / 298R ______________/_________/__________________________________________/_________ * Note: "Klods for Klods" is the motto of Lego(tm) blocks in Lego's native Denmark, where they speak Danish. It means "Block by block". Neat, huh???? _____________________________________________________________________________ You're reading my .signature file. / COMMODORE 64S RULE THE WORLD !!!!!!!!! ___________________________________/_________________________________________ "I'm Bozo, the world's most famous clown!" -- the world's most famous clown _____________________________________________________________________________ M E N S A M E M B E R # 1 6 3 0 9 Look for the white pin _____________________________________________________________________________ I've read all of Kurt Vonnegut Junior's books and my favorite is "Breakfast Of Champions", my second favorite is "Chariots Of The Gods". I love them all. My other favorite author is Philip K. Dick who wrote "Do Androids Dream Of Sheep?", "Clams Of The Alphane Moon", "OBIK", "Man In The Castle", and "Total Recall"! Oh, and Stephen King is absolutely the best too! And Derrida! Read "The Fountain Head" by Ann Rand--it could change your career! _____________________________________________________________________________ If it doesn't say PURINA, / / Bart Simpson and Charlie bury it in the yard! / BYTE ME! / Brown are both GIRLS! ________________________/_____________________/______________________________ THIS ENTIRE MESSAGE IS COPYRIGHTED (C)1989/90 MCMLXXXIX/MCMLXL BY JAMES "KIBO" PARRY AND MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, SOLD, READ, PRINTED, OR REPLIED TO WITHOUT MY EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION. HE IS SERIOUS AND WILL SUE YOUR PANTS OFF. _____________________________________________________________________________D || _______________________________________________________________________ ||I || || || ||S || ||------> I'M NOT BIFF !!!!!! HE'S NOT ME !!!!!!! <------|| ||C ++-++-------------------------------------------------------------------++-+|L || ||------> BIFF IS TOO OBNOXIOUS TO BE ME !!!!!!!! <------|| ||A || ||------> ALSO HIS .SIGNATURE IS LONGER !!!!!!!!! <------|| ||I || ||___________________________________________________________________|| ||M ||_________________________________________________________________________||E _____________________________________________________________________________R "BOZE NOSE BOOKS!" -- Bozo, The World's Most Famous Clown / QUAIL SUCKS __________________________________________________________/__________________ / Orwell was an optimist. / "There is infinite hope, but not for us." - Kafka ________________________/____________________________________________________ Join the Kibo Fan Club! Send lots of money to the address above, RIGHT NOW! _____________________________________________________________________________ All generalizations stink. / Kibology is *NOT* Satanism! / Ollie for prez ___________________________/_______________________________/_________________ DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY! / What's fahefergnugen? / QUAIL STILL SUCKS! ! ! _______________________/__________________________/__________________________ "The secret word is... SIL! Now you all know what to do whenever anybody says the secret word, right? SCREAM REAL LOUD!" -- Pee Wee Herman _____________________________________________________________________________ If I said anything to offend anyone in this message, I'm sorry and didn't mean to hurt your feelings. ________________________________________________ ____________________________/ "Losing our marbles for the last 23 years" I hope you're enjoying / I'm gonna be 24 soon! My birthday is July 13, reading this posting... / send presents! The day before Bastille Day! _________________________/___________________________________________________ If Lambada is the forbidden dance, why did they make a movie about it? _____________________________________________________________________________ Hi Tale@Rpi.Edu! / You are here X / What's Peewee Herman's favorite _________________/___________________/ baseball team? THE EXPOS! Garrison Keillor is my hero / (rec.humor.funny) ___________________________________/_________________________________________ "Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!" -- STAR TREK _____________________________________________________________________________ "SIL!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" _____________________________________________________________________________ There's a mouse in my apartment right now while I'm typing this. Isn't that an incredible coincidence! Have you ever been using this bboard while a mouse was in your room. Now I have.........? _____________________________________________________________________________ Anyone who thinks anyone else should be shot should be shot; the NRA is a bunch of bozos just like the Democrats AND Republicans AND Williard Scott. Kill the Fascists and Communists and all the other nuts too. Kill 'em all! _____________________________________________________________________________ "I'm Batman!" -- BATMAN THE MOVIE / This space intentionally left blank. (THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!!!!) / __________________________________/__________________________________________ Elvis lives. / "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..." --MONTY PYTHON / Hug me _____________/_____________________________________________________/_________ Did I spell anything wrong? If so, please tell me so I can post a correction. _____________________________________________________________________________ |\ My favorite PostScript font is Chicago! Times Roman is just a cheap --- \ ripoff of the real New York. And you don't even have to be in Chicago ___ / to use Chicago! I printed my whole resume in 36pt Chicago Bold Shadow! __|/_________________________________________________________________________ | "Beauty and the Beast" may be cancelled, but it lives on forever in our | | hearts and minds and hearts! It will live forever even though it's dead!| |___________________________________________________________________________| Can I have a cookie? / The Kibology Center is a non-non-profit arm of the _____________________/ National Association for Kibological Awareness(NAKA). I'M 100% FLAMEPROOF /________________________________________________________ %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Harry Graber, age 11, is dying of a fatal disease which will eventually kill him. Before he dies, he would like to be in the "Guinness" Book of "Records" for receiving the most postcards in the mail. Please send him lots of postcards at the below address: Kibo, PO Box 722, Boston MA 02116-0722 (USA) Although he is very ill and only barely clinging to life, he gets thousands of postcards a day from people like you. He writes back, personally, to each and every single one. Amazingly, everyone who writes to Harry recieves a year of good luck afterwards! Mrs. Bertha Briggs of Poughkeepsie, NY recently wrote to Harry and then won the lottery the very next day--AND her dog was cured of cancer! Plus, if you write now, Harry will send you his miracle POSTCARD DIET which will allow you to lose 100 pounds a week! THIS IS NOT A SCAM! This service is FREE! Please enclose $14.95 for postage and handling. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% HANDY "TWIN PEEKS" CHART [murder]<-->[LAURA]<--/-->[Bob]<--["Bob"] | ^ | ^ This is fun to read even if you haven't v v v | seen the series. I like my chart, and [David [That FBI guy] ["J.R."] I've never seen the show! Lynch] ^ ^ / | | v [donuts] [Bobby in [the log lady]<->[flouridation]-->["Eraserheads"] = the shower] ^ ^ [sex] | | | /->[Monty Python's Flying Circles] v [bag [lumber- /->[Ted Bundy] ladies] jacks]<--["RoboJox"]<->[VW]<->[FOX]-->[Al&Peg Bundy] ^ | ^ \->[Children] | v | [the dog-faced boy]-->[Laura's<-/->[the Simpsons]<--[Life in Hell]<--[UseNet] evil twin] | v And remember, the name of the show is a breast metaphor. [alt.tv.twin.peeks] ^ ^ | ^ / | v | [Mike Douglas]=[Douglas firs]-->[breasts] [drumsticks] [rmgroups] /->[logs] | \______________________________________/ ^ v | [Albert]<--/-->[furry white rats]-->[green rats]-->[traffic [the log lady] ^ lights] (here too!) | [walk with fire me]---> ^ ^ [Layland]<-->[Pinky Lee] | | | [Herve Villachaise]<--[tattoos] ["Bob"] [Dilbert]-->[Dogbert] | | \ v v >[neckties]->[sexual arousal]<------>[e-meters]<-------[L. Ron Howard] _____________________________________________________________________________ My favroite sci-fi/fantasy short story is / VOTE NIXON / The SubGenius "The Eye of Argon" by L. Ron Hubbard! / IN 1992 / must wear slacks! _________________________________________/______________/____________________ Best Skeleton Joke Ever: "What do you call fish bones?" "Skele-tuna!" :-) _____________________________________________________________________________ I spell things the way I want, since William Safire is too wimpy to stop me! _____________________________________________________________________________ "The medium is the message!" -- Marshall Mike Luhan / I'm a lumberjack... _____________________________________________________/_______________________ I know the Green Golfball Joke! I'd post it here but BitNet doesn't allow R-rated jokes to be posted here so I won't post it! That's a violation of your unconstitutional rights and you should complain to your sysop! _____________________________________________________________________________ MY TETRIS HIGH SCORE ON MY NINTENDO IS 999,990 -- THAT'S A WORLD RECORD! I HAVE PHOTOS OF THE TV SCREEN TO PROVE IT! THEY DIDN'T COME OUT THOUGH. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ AMIGA ONLY! \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\\\\\\\\\ ___ \\\\\\\\\\ /. .\ \\\\\\\\\\ |\_/| \\\\\\\\\\ \___/ \\\\\\\\\\ /####\ /######\ ### /##### /######\ \\\\\\\\\\ ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ### ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ ////////###### ## ## ## ### ## ### ######## \\\\\\\\\\ //////// ## ## ## ## ## ### \##### ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ //////// \\\\\\\\\\ //////// /##### ### ### #####\ ### ### \\\\\\\\\//////// ## ## ## ## ## ## ## GRAFIX \\\\\\\//////// ## ### ## ## ######\ ## ## \\\\\//////// ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## WIZARD \\\//////// \##### \#######/ ## ## \#####/ _____________________________________________________________________________ _______________ | __ _ ____ / \ |\/\/\/| r | |\\ | | \ / ,__\ AIR SUPPLY | "Have a cow, |__ | @ @ | a | ||\\ | |_/ \ | _ _ | | man!" / | ' | d | || \\ | | \ \\ | | |\ |\ | \ / \_______________/ | \___/ i | ||__\\ \ \\ | | |/ |/ | | | | c d | ||___\\ \ \\ \_/ | | |__ | a u | || \\ \\__// | | | as seen on BART l d | \__/ FOX! SIMPSON e | THE MOST AWESOME HEAVY METAL BAND !!! _____________________________________|_______________________________________ ^L ^L # # #### # # # ##### ###### # # # ,, # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ##### # #\__/# # # ##### # # # # # # # # # # #### #### # # ###### ## # # #### # # ###### #### ## # # # # # oo # # # # # # ## # # # # # # # # ##### # # ## ###### # # #\__/# # ## # # # # ## # # # # # # ## ## # # # # # ###### ###### #### # # ###### #### ## HAVE A NICE DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PLEASE POST YOUR REPLIES TO THIS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY NET ADDRESS IS! ALSO PLEASE CROSS-POST TO LOTS OF GROUPS SINCE IT MIGHT NOT BE A GROUP I READ! []---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[] This blank region of empty space is a hollow void that adds lines to the length of this .signature's physical size. I cant think of anything more to add! []---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[] ***** ___ ___ _________ * / \ / \ | _______ | * | V | | | * * | | HELP ME NAME MY * \ / | |_____| | APPLE SE/30 WITH * \ / | === | 40MB MEGABYTE DRIVE * \ / |_________| ***** v ||||||||| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- Aren't these cute? :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- I was the one who :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- invented them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |\ ---*-- | \ TED FRANK IS A VIRTUAL LAWYER!!! -""" \__| \ / : Qld : TAS \ / :........ \ ' SA : AA :.......*| x = Schenectady NY USA \ : * :NSW / \* :/""""""\`..x */ ----' VIC\ *`./ """" \"""/ NT\*/ Dan Quayle is Howdy Doody! (And Susan Sontag is the Bride of Frankenstein!) +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | S T O P C A S T I N G P O R O S I T Y | +____________________________________________________________________________+ Did you know that in German, Usenet bboards are called Gruppenareabrettecholistennetzs? ============================================================================= I've been to Cheers(TM) in downtown Boston and I have a T-Shirt that says Cheers(TM) and the official Cheers(TM) Plastic Souvenir Shopping Bag! Hey, is Ted Danson really as bald as they say? He couldn't be, his hair's fluffy, and wigs can't be fluffy! William Shatner wears a toupee though, I bet you didn't know that! I hope I never go bald. I'd lose my sex appeal. _____________________________________________________________________________ Fats Loves Madelyn. / Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." ___________________/_________________________________________________________ "We're like gerbils. We're in a cage running around and around." -- Tom Brokaw _____________________________________________________________________________ "OH WHAT A ZINGER!!!" -- CHRIS ELIOT / "Married With Children" is the best GET A LIFE / TV show ever! Ted is the greatest! _____________________________________/_______________________________________ Fly KLM! / Did you hear that PeeWee Herman was arrested for masterbating? __________/____ Really!______________________________________________________ Dana Hersey is Willie Whistle in addition to hosting The Movie Loft (channel 6) _____________________________________________________________________________ Read alt.exploding.kibo, the group about exploding kibo! / NO FATE ________________________________________________________/ I put microwave coffee in the Tater Twister and almost / KNOW FUTURE went back in time! -- Steven Wright (Emerson alumnus)/ _____________________________________________________/ NO DOGS ALLOWED "NOT!" -- WAYNE'S WORLD / "The Stevemeisterooski!" / ________________________/__________________________/_________POOR SPOT______ "If I had MY OWN NETWORK, it would be on ALL the TIME. It would be EDUCATIONAL, like COSMOS and NOVA, but not so DRY. It would best be seen on HIGH-definition TELEVISION. And every DAY we'd READ from the BOOK of CHER, because when you READ from the BOOK of CHER, it doesn't MATTER if you UNDERSTAND... it's the ACT that MATTERS. MY network would be METAphysical, paraNORMAL, and EXTRAORDINARILY ORDINARY. It would COMPEL you to RELAX and read `MADAME BOVARY', LOOK into the MOUTHS of VOLCANOES and LEARN to make RISOTTO... It would have a LINEAR BUILD and ARISTOTELIAN LINES... MY network would be both JARRING and AVANT-GARDE... with just a TOUCH of BRIAN DENNEHY. MY network would not promote WAR, WASTE, DOUBT or ANXIETY, and would pose the question... What was MICHELLE PFEIFFER doing in `Grease 2'?" -- Sean E. Coates, the "E!" poster child **************************(.signature continued)******************************* HOW MANY POSTS A DAY I MADE LAST WEEK *************************************************************************** * * * * * * * * * * ** W*T T*W*T T*WT ** * W*T*F M*T* *F * F M* *F M * * T* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * M * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * ** * M S*S SS S*S S*S * * * * * S * * ^Labor Day ^Sep 14 ^Sep 28 * * * * * * * * 240 -x- 280 0 -y- 15000*************************************************** WATCH MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 2000 ON THE COMEDY CHANNEL !!! ******************************************************************************* MY TEN FAVORITE QUOTES: Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high- mindedness out. There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion. All the good ones are taken. "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." Murphy was an optimist. Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. You are here ------> * But you're not all there. Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. A clairvoyant is a person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants. The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rouchefoucauld Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson Goldenstern's Rules: (1) Always hire a rich attorney (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary. In fifteen minutes, everyone will be famous. -- Andy Warhol _______________________________________________________________________________ THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT II WAS EVEN MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE FIRST MOVIE EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T REAL LIKE THE FIRST ONE! PHILLY EX 2 IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!!! .--------------. .---' o . `---. .-' . O . . `-. .-' @@@@@@ . `-. .'@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ . `. .'@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ `. /@@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ O \ / @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @ @@@@@@@@@ @@ . \ /@ o @@@@@@@@@@@ . @@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@ \ /@@@ . @@@@@@ o @ @@@@@.@@.@@@@ o @@@@ \ /@@@@@ @ . @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@ \ |@@@@@ O `.-./ . . @@@@\__/@@@@@ @@@ | / @@@@@ --`-' o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ . \ Full Moon + |@ @@@@ . @ @ ` @ @@ . @@@@@@ | 0 5:15:36 | @@ o @@ . @@@@@@ | Last Quarter - | . @ @ @ o @@ o @@@@@@. | 7 3:55:27 \ @ @ @ .-. @@@@ @@@ / | @ @ @ `-' . @@@@ . . | \ . o @ @@@@ . @@ . . / \ @@@ @@@@@@ . o / \ @@@@@ @@\@@ / O . / \ o @@@ \ \ / __ . . .--. / \ . . \.-.--- `--' / `. `-' . .' `. o / | ` O . .' `-. / | o .-' `-. . . .-' `---. . .---' `--------------' I AM NOT A BOZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^L ____|||||/// / |||||//// TERMINATOR TWO: BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD !!!!!11 / __ || //// | L| : === "Hasta la vista, baby!" -- ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER | | __ : ___ =|= (a personal friend) | (_) :/__) | |/ | \| <--- THE TERMINATOR | .\ | \ \ \ : / I HOPE TERMINATOR THREE DOESN'T SUCK DEAD BUNNIES | HHH--- | THRU A STRAW LIKE BATMAN TWO !!!!!11 \____:___/ "THERE IS NO BATHROOM" -- MY PAL ARNOLD, KINDERGARTEN COP "HELP HELP! STAPLER MISFIRE!" -- DILBERT "THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER" ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;::::;:::::::::::::: My son Herbie, age 7, needs a computer for school and I can't afford one, would anyone like to give us one? It would be a tax deduction for you! Herbie wants a Mac IIfx with a Color PostScript printer. He needs this by next week! All the other kids in his class have them already!!! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ STAR TREK RULEZ!!! ________^_______ ============= - - - - - - - - - \______ _____/\ / / - - - - - - - Write-in to Paramount V \ \_____/__/_ - - - - WHOOSH! - - - to keep them from killing Spock )|US ENTERPRISE/ - - - - - - - in their next movie!!!! |____________/ - - - - - - - - - - TOP TEN STAR TREK QUOTES 10) "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 9) "Dammit Jim!" 8) "Spit it out, man!" 7) "I kinna do it Captain, I have not th' power!" 6) "Where's the beef?" 5) "They're BORN pregnant!" 4) "His BRAIN is missing!" "Oh... you noticed." ** send mail if you want the rest ** Majel Barett was only on STAR TREK because she was married to William Shatner. The new STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION new series that they're making now is too full of Yuppie bozos. And the special effects are too good. SHATNER COULDN'T DIRECT HIS WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH BOTH HANDS AND A MAP! ------------------------------------=----------------------------------------- I have discovered a truly wonderful proof of Fermat's Last Theorem, but unfortunately this .signature is too small to contain it. -----------------------------------=---------------------------------------------- There exist no legitimate audio tapes of me admitting to being an alien, a government agent, a sexual pervert, or the camp-follower of little grey men from Zeta Reticuli. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ I watch Nick at Nite all day! Xibo watches stupid soap operas! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ MY .SIGNATURE IS MORE POSTMODERN THAN YOURS! (It's even autographed by William S. Burroughs. See--->?) / \/\/. \. Burroughs / I wish he hadn't stopped writing those Tarzan books though!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I have an out-of-date copy of each of the following MTS manuals: Vol. 1, 2, 5, 7, 11, 14, 15, 16, and 24. If you want a copy, I'm selling 'em, $1 each. I also have lots of plastic bags for five cents each! /\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\ _________ / \ | | \__\ /__/ --| |-- -| |- /| |\ /////\\\\\\ NUKE THE DAMN BUNNY ALREADY!!!! | _ \ / UU __ ==/ \ /\__o | *|__\__/ /_ \_ "boomp boomp boomp boomp boomp..." "BOOM!!!!!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ***** ***** ***** **************** ****************** ***** ***** ***** ***************** ******************** ***** ***** ***** ****************** ********************** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ****** ****** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** My ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** name ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** is ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** short ***** *************** ***** *************** ***** 'cause ***** **************** ***** **************** ***** it's ***** ***************** ***** ***************** ***** only ***** ***** ****** ***** ***** ****** ***** four ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** letters! ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ****** ****** ***** ***** ***** ****************** ********************** ***** ***** ***** ***************** ******************** ***** ***** ***** **************** ****************** AND THIS IS THE PART OF THE .SIG THAT BROKE MIKE JITTLOV'S AMIGA!!! V guvax guvf dhbgr ol Qnir Oneel, zl snibevgr jevgre, rkcynvaf jul V bsgra jrne zl haqrejrne ba zl urnq jura V tb gb jbex: Nyy lbh unir gb qb gb frr gur npphenpl bs zl gurfvf vf ybbx nebhaq lbh. Ybbx, va cnegvphyne, ng gur crbcyr jub, yvxr lbh, ner znxvat nirentr vapbzrf sbe qbvat nirentr wbof -- onax ivpr cerfvqragf, vafhenapr fnyrfzna, nhqvgbef, frpergnevrf bs qrsrafr -- naq lbh'yy ernyvmr gurl nyy qerff gur fnzr jnl, rffragvnyyl gur jnl gur znaardhvaf va gur Frnef zrafjrne qrcnegzrag qerff. Abj ybbx ng gur erny fhpprffrf, gur crbcyr jub znxr n ybg zber zbarl guna lbh -- Rygba Wbua, Pncgnva Xnatnebb, nalobql sebz Fnhqv Nenovn, Ovt Oveq, naq fb ba. Gurl nyy qerff shaal -- naq gurl nyy fhpprrq. Ner lbh pngpuvat ba? -- Qnir Oneel, "Ubj gb Qerff sbe Erny Fhpprff" TO DECODE THE FUNNIST JOKE IN THE UNIVERSE JUST PIPE THAT THROUGH "UUDECODE(1)" _____________________________________________________________________________ R-RATED GIF FOLLOWS, PRESS N NOW! ^L O (.|.) ).( TIFFANY BRISSETE HAS A GREAT BOD! WOO WOO!!!! HUBBA HUBBA! YOW! ( | ) \|/ ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. _____________________________________________________________________________ "100% gist-free!" -- Amy S. Brockman on Kibo's .signature. Compliment... or CONSPIRACY? ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My favorite painters are Pollock, Rothko, Warhol, Dali', Miro', Tanguy, Rockwell, Warhol, and myself. I'm almost as good as Dali' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My least favorite musical composer is Salieri, since he was a bozo. ____________________ / \ / \ ^______________/ __ __ \______________^ \ | / \ / \ | / \ | | o | | o | | / \ | \__/__ \__/ | / \ | / \ | / \ | \__/ | / BO- \____| __________ |____/ -ZO | / ________ \ | \ | / ______ \ | / \ |/_/ \_\| / \____________________/ | | \ | / \----+-----/ | | | /\ / \ / \ _____________/ \____________ (clown shoes) ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Ich bin ein .signature Virus. Mach' mit und kopiere mich in Deine .signature. Don't ask what it means, just put it in your .signature, okay? _____________________________________________________________________________ THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS POSTING ARE SOLELY THE AUTHORS' AND DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF DIGITAL EQUIPMENT CORPORATION, RENSSELAER POLY- POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE, PENN STATE, IBM, NASA, HARVARD UNIVERSITY, SCIENTOLOGY, ATARI CORP., STANFORD UNIVERSITY, BITNET INC., SOFTWARE TOOL & DIE, INFOCOM, PRODIGY, RALSTON PURINA INC., JAPAN, LYNDON LaROUCHE, THE SYSOP OF USENET, GEORGE BUSH, THE LONDON TIMES, ORACLE CORPORATION, WILLIE WHISTLE, STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION, THE HOME SHOPPING CLUB, THE HAIR CHANNEL FOR MEN, OR THE CITY OF NEW YORK. HOWEVER YOU CAN'T SUE ME FOR SAYING ANY OF THIS BECAUSE IF YOU SUE ME YOU'D HAVE TO QUOTE ME IN COURT AND THEN I'D SUE YOU FOR QUOTING THIS COPYRIGHTED (C) MESSAGE!!! MY COUSINS ARE ALL LAWYERS !!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ****************************************************************************** * NEW drawing! * * of a RADIK00L sword thats even BIGGER then the USS ENTERPRISE wow! * * * * ___ * * /\/ / ====@==== ///////// --------- * / _/ ``________// * * / / `------' ------------- * / / * * __===__ / / * */ \/----+---------------------------------------\______ * *| | XCALIBER THE DECAPITATER!!!! \______________* *| | /~~~~~~~~ * *\__====_/\---+----------------------------------------/~~~~~~ * * \ \ * * \ \ * * \ \ * * \ \_ * * \ \ NOTE: This isnt a hyperdermic needel !!!!!! * * \ \ * * \/\_\ * * ITS SO GOOD I FRAMED IT !!!!* ****************************************************************************** aibophobia (ay' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of palindromes. kibophobia (ki' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of Kibo. kibophobik (ki' bo fo bik): n. The fear of Kibo's palindromes. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'M STILL 100% FLAMEPROOF! / I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! / HI MARK! ____________________________/____________________________________/___________ If you type "rm *" right now I'll give you a million dollars!!! _____________________________________________________________________________ Arsenio Hall is the black Johnny Carson but Byron Allen is the black Pat Sajak! But at least Byron Allen is funnier than Skip Stephenson or John Barbour! Conan O'Brien sucks because he has big hair and Monty Python isn't funny because it doesn't make any sense!!! JAY LENO ROCKS!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- IBM's "AIX" operating system is better than "real" "UNIX" systems because "AIX" has "man" pages that show "pictures" of each "command"! Here's an "example", isn't this "cute"? RM, DELETE(1,C) AIX Commands Reference RM, DELETE(1,C) PURPOSE Removes files or directories. SYNTAX one of +--------+ +------------+ | rm |---| +----+ |--- file ---| | delete | +---| -f |---+ ^ | +--------+ ^ | -i | | +--------+ | | -r | | | | -- | | | | -s | | | +----+ | +--------+ ____________________________________________________ \o clip and save _______ /O <--those are scissors .------------ .--' o . . `-- .-' . O . . ` .-'@ @@@@@@@ . @@@@@ /@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ .<--- Crater Parry -- I paid $15 for it ./ o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ at the Boston Science Museum! /@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@. @@@@@@@ O /@@@@ . @@@@@@@o @@@@@@@@@@ @ |@@@@@ . @@@@@@@@@@@@@ o @@ /@@@@@ O `.-./ . @@@@@@@@@@@@ @ Full Moon + | @@@@ --`-' o @@@@@@@@ @@@@ 2 17:08:58 |@ @@@ ` o . @@ . @@@@@@ Last Quarter - | @@ @ .-. @@@ @@@@@@ 4 16:02:05 \ . @ @@@ `-' . @@@@ @@@@ | @@ @@@@@ . @@ . \ @@@@ @\@@ / . O . o \ o @@ \ \ / . . `\ . .\.-.___ . . .- \ `-' `- `-. o / | o O . `-. / . . . `--. . .-- `------------ If this posting offends you, then you're a WEENERBRAIN!!! @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ .....Dedicated to the memory of DeForest Kelley..... @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ -------\__/ | * / |_____-/ BOSTON, MASSACHUSSETTS <-- SITE OF WORLD.COM PUBLIC ACCESS UNIX ONLY A DOLLAR A MINUTE PLUS CONNECT TIME! AND NO I DON'T KNOW MICHAEL DUKAKIS PERSONALLY! ^L 12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890XXXXX DON'T GO INTO THE X'S !!!!! ^L ^L ^L ^D ^D ^D . exit stop bye ^C ^Z !sh !ed /exit quit q /quit ~x help help stop !help logout $signoff write sysop "how do i stop this ???" psot post ^P^O^S^T this line intentionally left blank so that the following line will be #350. THIS IS THE THREE HUNDRED FIFTIETH LINE OF MY .SIGNATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the edn P.S.: ---------- From mathew@mantis.co.uk Tue Jul 2 11:28:05 1991 To: James 'Kibo' Parry Subject: Re: Call for creation of alt.evolutionary.acceleration From: Industrial Poet Comments: Civilization is a momentary failure of entropy Date: Tue, 02 Jul 91 10:55:39 BST Organization: Mantis Consultants, Cambridge. UK. Might I suggest adding the following quote to your .signature: "It seems like it's time to retire the length-of-sig-wasted-bandwidth flame. The point really is, News is BIG and .signatures, even long ones, are small." - Mark-Jason Dominus mathew ---------- -- -- From stev0@sti.com Sat May 9 01:19:46 1992 Date: Fri, 8 May 92 22:19:07 PDT From: stev0@sti.com (Steve Berlin) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: your .sig Hi there. Thanks for your nifty .sig. I already got a copy from alt.fan.warlord, but with such a wonderful work of art, you can never have too many copies, can you? Well, of course you can! I mean, "Mona Lisa" is a damn good painting, but am I going to hang it in every room in my apartment? No! But I digress. Anyway, to make your .sig a bit more "user-friendly", here is an index for it. The numbers, of course, refer to line numbers. I'll let someone ELSE do a table of contents. Suggestions for index: 1) Append it to the end of the .sig 2) Include it as a seperate file 3) Just delete the damn thing, log off, and watch Ren and Stimpy or (my favorite): append it to the end of your sig, THEN log off and watch Ren and Stimpy. - Stev0 13, Rot - 610-623 Address - 55-58 Autograph, Burroughs, William S. - 527-533 Child, Dying - 155-174 Copyright - 86-88 Credits - 19,20 Dedication - 781-783 Disclaimers - 22-25, 89-98, 142, 153, 216, 276, 474, 677-686, 772, 790 Drawings, ASCII: Bozo - 644-670 Brain - 28-37 Bunny, Energizer, Being Nuked - 540-556 Check, Amiga - 223-243 Dog - 40-48 Enterprise - 501-506, 692-695 Simpson, Bart, Minimalist - 245-253 Sword - 692-709 Terminator - 478-489 unknown (command flow?) 736-744 unknown (computer?) 293-300 End, The - 775-780, 831 Favorites: Author - 77-81 Font - 144-146 Heavy Metal Band - 245-253 Movie - 137-138 Movie - 478-489 Painters - 641-643 Quotes - 388-440 Quotes, Star Trek - 507-511 SF Short Story - 207-208 Skeleton Joke - 210 Feh, Fee Fi Fo - 638 Font, BUA - 257-273 Font, Biggest UA - 559-609 GIF, R-Rated - 626-635 History - 2-16 Line 350 - 828 Manuals, MTS - 535-537 Map, Australia - 308-320 Map, Massachusetts - 785-788 Map, Moon 442-473, 748-771 Network, Sean Coates' - 350-362 Peeks, Twin - 176-205 Phobias - 712-716 Posts Made, Number of - 364-386 Quitting Attempts - 794-825 Quotes, Random - 57-75, 83, 84, 99-135, 140-152, 212-214, 321-348, 490-497, 514-525, 723-734 Scissors - 745-746 Score, Tetris - 220 Smilies - 303-305 Space, Blank - 280-291 Virus, .Sig, German - 672-674 ==== GEEK CODE: +++ ++ - ++++ - --- --- - + - +++ -- ++++ -- + --- + +++++ +++ - ++ nil nil nil Alt.alien.visitors elected me OFFICIAL Spokesman For The Planet Earth! --------- In article <13bvonINN6il@darkstar.UCSC.EDU> carolo@cse.ucsc.edu signed: >-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >Carol Osterbrock * Life is too short for 4 line .sigs >carolo@cse.ucsc.edu * -- well, if Kibo didn't say it, he should have >============================================================================== ---------- UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED. RMS told me to plug the League For Programmed Freedom in my .signature so I did. Join the LPF! RMS is cool. SEE BATMAN 2 !!!! -- I HAVE A BLACK BELT ! IN NUCLEAR PHYSICS -- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: This sounds a little fishy Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 10:42:22 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > That's what they make it sound like anyway. Frankly, I smell a lutefisk. > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > The "I Have A Meme" competition for February is now officially OPEN! Great, last night I spent an hour thinking up ways to make people say "I LIKE WEDGIES!" for the Wedgietron corporation and David instead makes a bee-line right for Nean Delort's drippy old lutefisk. AND YOU CAN'T QUOTE THE ABOVE SENTENCE 'CAUSE NOW I'M MAD! EVERYBODY GO BACK TO PAYING ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! > Dave "someday, ideas will be too cheap to memer!" DeLaney I demand each of you pay me $1,000 for reading my brilliant Wedgietron article. -- K. Wasn't Memer the name of the beloved Clint Howard character on "Space Rangers", who had special eyeglasses for reading futuristic green-bar line-printer paper? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.computers From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 20 Most important Internet Pioneers? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 10:55:37 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) wrote: > > > > Theo Mora (theomora@math.fsu.edu) wrote: > > > > > > beable@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > > > > > > > And don't forget James "Kibo" Parry, who invented the smiley! :-) > > > > You must admit, this is the GREATEST ACHIEVMENT IN INTERNET > > > > HISTORY, indeed the invention of the smiley must be considered > > > > to RIVAL THE INVENTION OF THE PRINTING PRESS!!!1! I've said too much. > > > > > > > > No sorry, I HAVEN'T SAID ENOUGH!!1! THE INVENTION OF THE > > > > SMILEY IS THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT IN HUMAN HISTORY!!1!! > > > > ALL HAIL JAMES "KIBO" PARRY, THE INVENTOR OF THE SMILEY! > > > > > > ALL HAIL JAMES "KIBO" PARRY, THE INVENTOR OF THE SMILEY! > > > > ALL HAIL JAMES "SMILEY" KIBO, THE INVENTOR OF THE PARRY! > > ALL HAIL JAMES "FREUD" KIBO, INVENTOR OF THE BANANA TELEPHONE! It brings a tear to my eye whenever I think that these cascades died out in 1991 and then I realize that not only are they still alive, they're all about how incredibly cool I am. It makes me so happy that I don't mind fixing all the attributions that you people screwed up and changing them all to "wrote:" because it bugs me that 37% of you people use "writes:" and the rest use "wrote:". Except for the weirdos. By the way, my new hobby is to reply to every newspaper personal ad that says "No weirdos." with "WILL U MAKE AN ESKCEPSHUN 4 ME ????//" In person. Incidentally, that reminds me of the new alt.religion.kibology promotional bumper sticker: +---------------------------+ | ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY | | YES WEIRDOS! | +---------------------------+ -- K. I got so carried away with the "YES WEIRDOS" idea that I forgot to tie it into the banana thingie. Can I still do that? NO, WE HAVE YES WEIRDOS, TOOOO-DAYYYYY! P.S. AT&T BananaPhonePlus(tm). Now you can be tied into the banana thingie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-winston From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Underground Things. Part 4. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 11:04:11 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > > > [...long list of THINGS that are NEAR THE GROUND, usually BELOW...] > > > > NEW JERSEY, PARAMUS - A massive underground facility with an entrance > > located in an office building at 140 century road. The building next > > door at 120 century road is also owned by the same company which > > finances projects carried out below, which deal mainly with abducted > > women and young girls who are heavily mind controlled using > > brainwashing and extreme s-xual abuse and torture induced MPD alternate > > programmed personalities, in order to create "se- agents" for a -azi > > cabal which had infiltrated the Ame-ican Industrial Complex following WWII. > > Total Bu-lsh-t. I am part owner of that building at 120 Century Road. > I watched it being built and there are no secret underground rooms in it, > nor are there any connections to 140. You have a very sick mind. WELL MAYBE YOU DON'T OWN THE PART WITH THE SECRET STUFF MISTER _PART_ OWNER!!! -- K. YOU'RE LIKE HALF OF FRED MERTZ!!! P.S. John, why did you bleep the "r" in "American"? Also, why did you leave the "x" in "s-xual"? "x" is the sexiest letter! It's got four legs, baby! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Forum on erotic Destiny Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 11:18:30 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.psychology.misc, Ciaran Hyde (ciaranhyde@clubi.ie) wrote: > > Author Paul McLaughlin has a new website on all aspects of erotic destiny - (cue guy with a silver robe with padded shoulders, talking into a spatula) YOU PUNY EARTHLINGS WITH YOUR PRIMITIVE EARTH TECHNOLOGY ARE NO MATCH FOR THE MIGHT OF MY EROTIC DESTINY!!! (cue stock footage of explosion hanging from a string) > dealing with the mysterious connections between psychic experience and > romance. So you're saying that there's a Mystery Connection between "Love Connection" and "The Psychic Connection"? What about between "The Love Boat" and "The Love Bug"? MAKES YOU THINK, HUH? > There is nothing like this anywhere on the web. And that's why I like the Web. > Why not take a look at www.clubi.ie/destiny/ It might give me Web browser cooties. Or try to have psychic sex with me. -- K. Also, I can't connect to Iceland from here. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.food.veg,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: buckwheat pillows Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 11:33:52 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In rec.food.veg, Chris Grayson (cr247@FreeNet.Carleton.CA) wrote: > > > My boy gave me one for xmas and I really like it. > Organic buckwheat hulls in a sturdy cotton casing, > feels good under my head at night. Feathers, > soft as they are, feel wrong, and foam feels too > synthetic. Harder than I'm used to but I've > adjusted to it, and I like the way it rustles. I had one for a week, but then I had this dream that I was eating a giant bowl of Ralston-Purina 44% Burlap Bran and when I woke up, my pillow was gone! So I went back to my natural foam latex pillow because it's so squishy that I would never have the "I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow" dream because marshmallows ain't half as squishy as my good ol' foam latex pillow. Plus when you punch it it doesn't make ANY noise! And if I were to smother someone with it I wouldn't be able to hear them screm! Screams keep me awake so it's good that I have a soundproof pillow. I hate the synthetic foam pillows sold these days. They're too stiff. They actually provide support. I hate that. Gimme those hard-to-get all-natural super-squishadelic foam latex pillows that OTHER people are allergic to any day. -- K. Hmm, a pillow filled with Lucky Charms marshmallows would probably rustle in a crunchy way like your pillow, and make me drool "MMM... MARSHMALLOWY..." like mine. So it would be the perfect pillow for everyone. I need to patent this brilliant idea before Bill Gates does. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.cyberpunk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Batman Beyond cyberpunk? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 11:40:55 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stefan Elisa Kapusniak (stefan.kapus@zetnet.co.uk) wrote: > > When one reaches the age where one feels 'grownups' and their > proxies (both de facto and de jure) no longer watch over our every > move -- a thing that many people never feel -- That's because I'm all grown up now and I'm watching you. Through the Internet. You know, the same way that Adam West uses AOL to keep tabs on his enemies in that commercial directed by Ben Stiller. Kibo is watching you. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, PLEASE!!! > we begin, if we have not become so encrusted in scars we can no > longer move, That would actually be good in some ways. Like you'd never fall out of an airplane and die because that would be moving. You'd just float in the air until someone built a skyscraper tall enough for you to sleep on top of. > our attempts to free ourselves from this accumulation of strangely > twisted reactions to stimuli they and we and our peers have > over long time conditioned into our pschye. What's this about my ghoti? > One sets forth attempting to unlearn and to grow backwards toward > an innocent joy and delight in the mundane and the unexceptional > (that one rarely experienced the first time around for we filled > our time with the goal of becoming a 'grown-up' ourselves) as if > we saw it for the first time. This is the part of the story where Arthur C. Clarke turns into the giant space baby wearing the giant space diaper, right? > We want to allow ourselves to twirl around and around and around in > the warm sun, desiring these our actions to appear unbidden from > the silent still depths of us, until we fall breathless on the > wet grass sharing our giggles with our friend the whole of the world. You're saying WHAT about Tinky-Winky's sex life? > But one finds that this unlearning seems the hardest task we ever > attempted. DOES NOT YOU BIG DOODYHEAD!!!! > I dream that one day perhaps I shall feel as tho' 8, 9 or even > younger, unburdened this time by the craving to appear any older > or wiser or cleverer or more justified. NOW I'M GONNA POINT AT YOU AND LAUGH FOR TEN YEARS UNTIL YOU GROW UP AGAIN!!!! I'M LIKE A TELETUBBY ONLY BAD!!! -- K. I wish I had an adulthood to unlearn! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.science,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: "Stable" antigravity Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 04:37:43 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net), whose E-mail address is really short, wrote: > > In rec.arts.sf.science, Erik Max Francis (max@alcyone.com) wrote: > > > > Your best form of "antigravy" in space stations is centrifugal > > pseudoforce. > > I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid you can't eat that. What do you think > you are doing, Dave? No Dave, don't... > > *** BOUM! *** Antigravy wouldn't go "BOUM!" even if HergŽ drew it. Antigravy would go more like "BLORP!". So instead of jump-cutting to Dave with messy hair and black smudges on his cheeks and a ripped-up "Far Out Space Nuts" baseball cap, they'd jump-cut to Dave with little brown spots all over him. This would be the perfect Nickelodeon show: People Getting Glop Dumped On Them In Outer Space Because They're Stupid. Get Bob Denver! Then dispose of the body and hire a real actor! Anyway, I have researched the composition of antigravy and it is a lot like gravy except it contains no water, and no fat, and no starch, and lots of burnt popcorn kernels and shredded aluminum foil. And everything else that isn't in gravy. I made a batch of it here, and it's got watchsprings and socks and lava and video static in it, but I notice that there's no dog in my anti-gravy, which means that ONE OF YOU PEOPLE IS MAKING DOG GRAVY! STOP IT! -- K. I sense a Superbowl commercial where HAL tells Dave that only Macintoshes can operate correctly when soaked in rich beefy gravy... In fact, they REQUIRE it! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Falwell: Teletubbies not dangerous Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 05:08:28 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The United Press International wire-service wrote: > > NEW YORK, Feb. 11 (UPI) -- The Rev. Jerry Falwell, former director of > the Moral Majority, says he has never accused a popular children's > television character of being gay. This is true: the Teletubbies have never been popular. > Responding to the outcry over comments made in the National Liberty > Journal, a Falwell magazine, Falwell told NBC's ``Today'' program, ``No > one looks on little Teletubbies as being sinister or dangerous.'' Surely those little bunnies the Teletubbies are always jumping up and down next to, in those giant heavy costumes with the inadequate eye-holes, would consider the Teletubbies not only dangerous but downright sadistic if rabbits were smart enough to get scared. > The magazine specifically outed Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies -- > Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa Laa and Po -- as a character, ``whose voice is > obviously that of a boy, has been found carrying a red purse. He is > purple -- the gay pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle > -- the gay pride symbol.'' Remember, purple is the official color of gay people. I still want to know what pink means. Also, why is all Barbie-related packaging the same color as Pepto-Bismol? > Speaking from Lynchburg, Va., Falwell said on NBC today that he has > not called for a boycott of the show, adding only that ``parents should > be responsible that stereotypes...not be planted in childrens' minds.'' So he's asking that all parents behave in exactly the same way. Yeah, that'll eliminate all stereotyping. > Falwell said: ``No one looks on little Teletubbies as being sinister > or dangerous. You know, the more often this is quoted, the more obvious its wrongness is. I'm sure there are lots of toddlers who would run away crying if they met a six-foot-tall Teletubby in real life. I can assume this because I know that most grownups would do the same. > It is simply saying that this is one more of the many > building blocks where we have little boys running around with purses and > acting effeminate.'' > Falwell said, ``I don't watch it.'' Methinks he doth protest too much! > Appearing on the same program, Kenneth Viselman, president and CEO of > Itsy Bitsy Entertainment, which markets Teletubbies, said ``There is > nothing gay in this show.'' > Speaking from New York, Viselman expressed his frustration with the > characterization, saying, ``Excuse my voice, I'm having an asthma attack > over this nonsense.'' It made his voice all high-pitched and lispy. > Viselman said: ``We're talking about a show for 1 to 4 year-olds. If > we had a homosexual they wouldn't even know it.'' EXACTLY!!!! > Falwell told Viselman, ``I've never attacked your program or you.'' > Viselman said, ``Certainly there's nothing homosexual, heterosexual, > asexual or bisexual. They have no genitalia.'' Wait, wait, wait. They have those big floppy spikes sticking up from the top of their heads, and yet they have no erogenous zones even in the eyes of the most demented perverts you can find on the Internet? I THINK NOT! I'm sure if I read some of the spam in alt.sex.* I could find hundreds of messages from people discussing the length of Dipsy's prong. And most of them would be from WebTVs. > The Teletubbies live in Teletubbyland and first went on the air in > England in 1997. So England is where the giant foam-rubber Engs jump up and down and giggle a lot? Let's see, the Engs are George, Paul, John, and Ringo. Is Ringo the obligatory gay one? -- K. There was that time on the Ed Sullivan show where they superimposed "SORRY GIRLS, HE'S GAY" at the bottom... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Forces collide! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 05:13:41 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > A few months ago, the local gay folks club got free air time on the local news > condemning the Teletubby Po doll for saying bad words. Teletubbies were > obvioulsy anti-gay. > > Now, plump Mr. Falwell says that the purple/blue Teletubbie is gay. > > So let me get this straight (no pun intended!!!). Gay people say the > Teletubbies are anti-gay. Anti-gay guy says the Teletubbies are gay. I'M > CONFUSED!!1!1!! Only the blue Teletubby (Tinky Winky, the biggest one, who Falwell calls "purple") is PRO-GAY. Only the red Teletubbie (Po, the tiniest one) is ANTI-GAY. The other two include a heterosexual transvestite (played by Ed Wood) and a straight hermaphrodite. > I suggest that the gay and anti-gay forces be placed in a large, sturdy vat. > Whoever (or whatever) survives is determined the winner. The winner of what, > I don't know. At least we will have a winner! > > Any other suggestions would be appreciated. How much would you sell the tape of "JERRY FALWELL LOCKED IN A BOX WITH HUNDREDS OF GAY GUYS" for? And how much would we have to pay not to see it? -- K. And how can we tie this "stupid lame TV characters who are gay" discussion in with last week's arrest of Pinky Tuscadero, who always dressed in pink leather and kept beating up The Fonz? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Books That Scared Me Today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians Date: Sun, 14 Feb 1999 08:57:46 GMT X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In the "IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS WE FEEL YOU MUST BUY" section of the bookstore today, I saw: (1) A big hardcover novel by Fannie Flagg. AIIIIEEE!!! FANNIE FLAGG!!! She's only writing books to make it harder for me to confuse her with JoAnn Pflug!!! (2) A thick book on how to survive "Y2K". I know there are a lot of these, and they're all bozo books. But this was the first time I glanced at one in the flesh. I flipped it open and it told me to "max out" all my credit cards in December. I am hard-pressed to think of dumber advice for any situation whatsoever, except "Always jump off the Empire State Building to avoid any injuries." (3) A book titled "The Complete Idiot's Guide To The Impeachment Of The President". Published as rapidly as possible. Hit the stands the day after he was acquitted. The back cover advertised that the book featured KENNETH STARR'S BIOGRAPHY!!!! I can just imagine the stack of price tags on this book after it's sat on the remainder rack for a few years. Next to "Your 1977 Aquarius Horoscope" and "How To Prepare For The Change-Over To The Metric System". oh, and (4) I forgot to look for any good books. -- K. if JoAnne Pflug wrote a novel, Gene Shalit would yell "MORE LIKE A PUH-FLOP!" Probably at 3 A.M. Long before hearing of her.