Newsgroups: alt.food.taco-bell,alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Corditas (sp?)
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 09:45:19 GMT
X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote:
>
> In alt.food.taco-bell, "Karen72222" (karen72222@aol.com) wrote:
> >
> > Are Corditas just glorified tacos. I tried the beef and chicken corditas
> > the other day and wow!! Awesome taste. At first I thought they were a
> > glorified taco -- same ingredients but only using soft bread, but there
> > is a unique flavor to the supreme corditas which I tried. I think I'm
> > hooked now. Corditas over tacos anytime.
>
> Corditas?
>
> I MADE THAT SAME TYPO A YEAR AGO!
Not quite a year ago. However, I forgot to make fun of you two months
in advance back then, so I didn't make fun of your typo a year ago.
So because I only made fun you of ten months ago, now I gotta keep reposting
it for another two months so that you can yell, "ALL RIGHT ALREADY, KIBO,
I MADE THAT TYPO A WHOLE YEAR AGO, STOP MAKING FUN OF ME ALREADY!"
> Back when the big sales pitch for them was Communism.
*and* the fact that dogs find them sexy. I don't know which is worse,
being told that (a) the little shivering twitchy dog likes the TASTE
of Taco Bell food, or (b) being told how incredibly erotic it is to dogs.
Anyway, I think they should deep-fry the Corditas just so that we could
say, "Yes, Karen, the wonderful Cordita is just a GLORI-FRIED TACO!"
and then we could all move our chests up and down mechanically while
making "HA HA" noises, just like at the end of an episode of "The Transformers".
(You know it's "limited animation" when they try to pass off puns as action.)
Here's what I told Nick about the Cordita last year.
///////// re-run ///// re-run ///// re-run ///// re-run ///// re-run /////////
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: corditas
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.food.taco-bell
Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1998 06:40:43 GMT
Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote:
>
> Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) writes:
> >
> > about a month ago, I was just thinking....
> > "you know what Taco Bell needs? more COMMUNISM!"
> >
> > and now, look!
> >
> > This is proof that Mexico and Canada are going to GANG UP on us!
>
> If you are not trolling alt.food.taco-bell and you honestly misspelled
> 'gordita', then I'm gonna smack ya.
Hey, Nick, stop trolling Teg! You know it makes her get all smacky!
> If this thread degenerates into a "JAI-ROUS" vs "HEE-ROUS" flamewar,
> I'm gonna smack ya. Too.
Smacky smacky smacky! Don't make a smackery of alt.food.taco-bell!
> Wait, what's the conditional here? Hmmm...is there any possible
> outcome such that I will NOT smack Nick Bemsema?
Yes, in The Other Universe. However, all of us have already moved there
just to get away from you. You and Spot are the only ones left in
Universe Classic, where you have Taco Bell. Here in The Other Universe,
we have White Castile, where an insane blind man whittles tiny hamburgers
out of soap.
> ________
> / \
> / \ "Wrong, buttwipes.
> / He's not \ I'm Persian and
> | trolling | therefore I know
> \ / how it's supposed to
> \ / be pronounced."
> ----------
>
> Nope.
>
>
> *SMACK*
Teg, I'll have you know that Taco Bell did indeed recently introduce
Corditas accompanied by many commercials with a badly colorized Che Guevara.
The Gorditas are just regular tacos jammed into a rolled-up gyro, which only
breaks the shell a little more than the employees normally do, but
Corditas have a secret ingredient: Cordite. Also known as Jet-Axe or
Primacord. This high-yield plastic explosive strong on a detonating
wire (in one-inch segments alternating with popped popcorn kernels
and those beads that keep score on toy pool tables) are a blast of
flavor. They'll take your head off!
I remember when they were making "Star Wars", in my basement, and
John Dykstra said "Let's put six feet of Cordite inside this X-Wing!"
and Richard Edlund, who had hair eight feet long tucked into his
"Freddy" sweater, said, "Don't be silly! We only need five feet
eleven inches!" and then they filmed the scene and accidentally
blew up not only the X-Wing but the entire Death Star, and then they
had to change the end of the movie, discarding all that great footage
showing the Death Star killing all the rebels and opening Taco Bell
stands throughout the galaxy. Also, to ensure this would never happen
again, they hired Joe Viskocil, who took their Cordite away and
threw it in the Dumpster, where it later showed up in a Taco Bell taco
and thus the Cordita was born.
AND NOW YOU KNOW... THE REST OF THE STORY!
-- K.
MUNCH! MUNCH! BOOM!
//////////// end of re-run ///// end of re-run ///// end of re-run ////////////
Now if only someone would refer to Jet-Dry dishwashing agent as "Jet-Axe"
and the Primerica pyramid sca^H^H^Hsystem as "Primacord", we could have
three kinds of exploding string in one tasty message!
-- K.
Never floss your teeth with cordite.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.food.taco-bell,alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Corditas (sp?)
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 07:54:22 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote:
>
> Anti-Blair (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote:
> >
> > "Shadow", of no E-mail address, quoted thirty-some lines Kibo wrote, to add:
> > >
> > > Did you like, forget to take your Prozac or something? SHUT UP!! You are
> > > annoying.
> >
> > Without Prozac, depressive are generally noncommunicative. If you want to
> > intersperse hip psychobable without going into vapid lock, you should say
> >
> > "forget to take your lithium?"
> >
> > So, what happenned? Forget your fluoxetine?
>
> Maybe he forget to take his Depakote. People who are annoyed by Kibo
> are also annoyed by reality, and there is not a lot they can do about
> either one.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me. Except for the
part about me not being real, and the part about me being annoying,
and the part about me being psychotic, and the part about me being on drugs.
But I liked the part about the dancing frogs that come through the walls.
-- K.
Their names are Sil, Wox, Freef,
Slunch, Inkle, Puh, and Bazpacho.
The walls, that is. Hello, walls...
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: WHY DOES GOD MOCK ME?
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 10:31:44 GMT
X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote:
>
> Indianapolis, by the way, has the world's greatest concentration of Arby's
> restaurants. As best I can tell. I went to a "Block Party" there.
> "Block Party" is a poor man's "Gameworks." The place was empty with a
> capital E. So we got to play all the games and ride on the Japanese
> roller coaster simulator without any screaming kids bothering us. The
> latter has little fans to blow air on you to make it feel like you're
> going fast, even though the absence of any G-forces while you're
> "accelerating" kind of spoils it. Also the audio tape of screaming
> Japanese teenagers was disturbing.
Hey! Screaming Japanese girls! I listen to that one all the time in my car!
No, wait, I don't have a car. I meant my bed!
> In other news, my motion to enter judgment in my San Francisco civil
> forfeiture case was granted. Ted 2, U.S. government 0. Woo-hoo!
Awesome-tastic! This means you're smarter than the guvvamit and
Archimedes Plutonium! Combined! You're even smarter than President Plutonium
would be! NOW GO FOR THE EXTRA POINT!
> Finally, I'm not allowed to make fun of the Japanese machines that take
> your picture and put it on a sticker, because one of my clients is the
> one with the frightening snowman as a mascot. They have really cool
> business cards with a space to put a sticker on them. Sold separately.
At a tradeshow about a year and a half ago a nice young woman from NTT
(the Japanese phone company) helped me try out their newest creation,
which was a machine which not only printed stickers with your picture
surrounded by abstract creatures, but also POSTED YOUR PHOTO ON THE
JAPANESE PHONE COMPANY'S WEB SITE ALONG WITH A RECORDING OF YOUR VOICE
SAYING "HI, MY NAME IS _____"! (I suppose you could say something else,
but she told me to say that so I did.) Anyway, when I went over to a
real computer to see what was at that site, there were all these photos
of nine-year-old Japanese girls with one bearded round-eye guy in the middle.
I can only imagine what would have happened if the thing actually took phone
numbers or E-mail addresses. But fortunately this device served no purpose.
You put in your yen and it puts a photo of you on the Web. For a couple
of days. It's like a graffiti wall only it goes away in a few days.
Just a Web site with lots of photos of giggling Japanese pre-teens on it.
Oodles and oodles of them.
The English version of the on-screen keyboard was particularly strange.
The space bar was vertical and ran through the middle.
Anyway, that was only one of many bozotic things I saw at that trade show,
along with the human-readable Pancake Disk HD-ROM (tiny letters can be read
under ANY electron microscope!), the Korean booth advertising "Dr. Pss"
(I am not making this up -- it stood for "Plastic Surgery Simulator"),
and of course, I got to see both Kiki Stockhammer and the Intel Bunny Suit
Dancers up close and personal.
They're not really good dancers, you know. Also I don't think their gas
masks really work.
-- K.
Also I think Kiki would
like John_-_Winston.
/////////////////////////////////////////////// something I said last year:
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Photo Stickers
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Mon, 19 Jan 1998 04:02:52 GMT
There was a "Photo Stickers" booth at the Toys R Us here.
It was out of stickers, so the screen showed a STOP sign which said,
in about eight languages, "This machine is temporarily out of service."
Dead center was the middle word of the German line: "auBer".
The "B" was a bright yellow Zapf Chancery Medium Italic swash cap, and the
rest was white Helvetica Black.
All's I want to know is, was this screen a Troll Touch?
-- K.
I wonder if my
photo is still on
that NTT Web site
with the other
little Japanese kids.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: WHY DOES GOD MOCK ME?
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 11:02:40 GMT
X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Just now, I wrote:
>
> At a tradeshow about a year and a half ago a nice young woman from NTT
> (the Japanese phone company) helped me try out their newest creation,
> which was a machine which not only printed stickers with your picture
> surrounded by abstract creatures, but also POSTED YOUR PHOTO ON THE
> JAPANESE PHONE COMPANY'S WEB SITE ALONG WITH A RECORDING OF YOUR VOICE
> SAYING "HI, MY NAME IS _____"! (I suppose you could say something else,
> but she told me to say that so I did.) Anyway, when I went over to a
> real computer to see what was at that site, there were all these photos
> of nine-year-old Japanese girls with one bearded round-eye guy in the middle.
I just found another reference to this which I posted last year:
/////////////////////////////////// re-run ///////////////////////////////////
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.folklore.computers
Date: Sat, 22 Nov 1997 08:21:57 GMT
In alt.religion.kibology, Mark Hill (mhill@pacbell.net) wrote:
>
> Tlerll wrote:
> >
> > YOUR PAGE ISN"T RATED WITH RSACI OR RSUCKY!!! WHAT IF SOME CHILD GOES
> > THERE WHILE HIS PARENTS ARE DRINKING BEER AND WATCHING TV?!?
>
> well, if you use a WebTv, then he can't go there while his parents are
> watching tv! Yet another great reason to own a webtv, along with...
> umm, something.
Yeah, but the new WebTV+ can watch TV while surfing the Web with
picture-in-picture. Actually, with picture-in-nerdy-stuff.
The WebTV+ has a 1.8 gig hard disk which will be "used for future
applications".
Now we know where all that stuff that got uploaded to Prodigy went.
I *DEMAND* that someone spontaneously start a *VICIOUS RUMOR* that
the 1.8 gig hard drive is used to SECRETLY STORE OTHER PEOPLE'S
PORNOGRAPHY IN YOUR OWN LIVING ROOM!!!
-- K.
P.S. In Japan, NTT makes a
pink booth that lets little
kids do that.
///////////////////////////////// end re-run /////////////////////////////////
This brings a tear to my eye as I realize that "Prodigy Classic" has now
gone the way of eWorld, "Wow!", and Burger King's dinner baskets.
I think a fun gedankenexperiment would be to figure out the correct way
to explain that message to someone who doesn't know anything about computers
or the Internet and is (a) living in 1958 or is (b) living in the year 3000.
I'm sure there will be people in the year 3000 who still think computers
are too expensive, while they're driving their brand new model-year 3001
$50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 sport-utility-sport vehicle-car-vehicles.
-- K.
So why IS it that people
balk at paying $1500 instead
of $1000 to get a good computer,
but they spend $15000 to buy
a new car every few years?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Daisy Fuentes Emails Chain Letters With WebTV
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 11:09:14 GMT
X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote:
>
> Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote:
> >
> > Yes, you read the subject line right. Daisy Fuentes emails chain letters.
> > With WebTV.
>
> I knew someday that some celebrity would do something stupid on the Net
> someday. It was only a matter of time.
WAAH! NICK YOU TAKE THAT BACK, I AM TOO A CELEBRITY!!!
YOU KNOW I AM A CELEBRITY BECAUSE LOOK, HERE I AM BRAGGING ABOUT HOW
MY VCR BLINKS "12:00" ALL DAY EVEN THOUGH ALL VCRS HAVE HAD ON-SCREEN
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FIVE YEARS AND EVEN THE MOST MENTALLY INEPT HUMAN
BEING HAS TO KNOW HOW TO OPERATE A _CLOCK_!!! I AM TOO A CELEB DAMMIT!!!!
Gotta go, I need to go out and buy some envelopes so I can complain about
all these chain letters by mailing them all to the government.
-- K.
Please tell me she was too
cheap to pay for the actual
keyboard and is just using
the little remote control.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: It's VD. Now what?
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 11:17:34 GMT
X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> "Anti-Blair" (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote:
> >
> > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote:
> > >
> > > It's Valentine's Day, so... what now? Isn't some sort of meaningful yet
> > > romantic orgy of candy and flowers supposed to appear on my doorstep?
> > > Where's the mariachi band? Why didn't Adam West return my calls?!
He did, but you can't hear the red phone ringing 'cause it's got a clear
plastic cake cover over it.
> > > Also, I think you've all been replaced by exact replicas who aren't
> > > quite as funny as you used to be. I can say this because I'm not funny,
> > > which means I'm an accountant.
> >
> > Every atom in your body is replaced after 17 months, except the platinum
> > in your endoplastic reticulum. So you're not the same person you were in
> > 1991.
>
> Except that atoms are not distinguishable from one another, and quantum
> mechanics says that the state is the same, up to a possible minus sign,
> if two atoms with the same electronic configuration are exchanged. So
> actually you are exactly the same person as everybody else.
>
> DOES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?
No, because there aren't any atoms in my body because I'm not a super-genius
like Archimedes Plutonium. I'm just made of clumps of protons and neutrons
and electrons which may have settled during handling. And besides, your
comments aren't funny because you didn't say "endoplasmic reticulum"
or "perpendicular to the latus rectum of the isosceles trapezoid" or
"Schenectady". BOINGGGGGG!!!! Whoops, I apologize for the stupid noise
but it happens whenever anyone says "Schenectady". BOINGGGGGGGG!!!!!!
-- K.
Schenec.. BOI--
...tady --NGGGG!!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: It's VD. Now what?
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999 07:01:32 GMT
X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote:
>
> Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) writes:
> >
> > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote:
> > >
> > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> > > >
> > > > [...] perpendicular to the latus rectum of the isosceles trapezoid [...]
> > >
> > > Why is it that scientists mispronounce *everything* scientific?! I bet
> > > that if we could hear Archie speak, we'd hear him pronouncing things
> > > right, thus proving forever that he really isn't a scientist.
> > > Like "pharynx". It was the BONUS WOID!! in the spelling list this week.
> > > Everyone -- especially the science teacher -- pronounced it "far-ninx".
> >
> > Oh, I left out some stuff. I remember a BONUS WOID in spelling that was
> > "macabre", but pronounced "MAC-a-burr". AHHRRR! AAAAHHHRON BUHHHHR IS
> > LEADING A REVOLT AGAINST CREEPING HELLENISM AND SYRIAN RULE OVER THE JEWS!
> >
> > Cancer of the colONN, the benIGnen kind,
>
> Surgeon General Colon Powell is a scientist because he pronounces his
> name wrong! Waaah! The American Armed Forces were RUINED!!!
Okay, here are my comments on spelling, science, and other gross things
for today.
1.) There is a Thai restaurant down the street named "Star Anise" that
just had its grand opening. Which was announced by a small sign below
the "Star Anise" sign. The small sign said: "GRAND OPENING STAR ANIS".
This is just around the corner from "The Squealing Pig", whose grand
opening banner -- again immediately below a large correctly-spelled sign --
said "THE PIG IS SQEALING!!!"
2.) At the local mall, there is a "Body Shop" store. I have never been
in it 'cause it's one of those herbal-crap-girls-smear-on-their-butts stores
and I ain't not girl and I don't need no butt stuff. Anyway, they have some
new mislabeled placebo that they want you to stuff into your zits to make
'em go away eventually. A small sign proclaimed "no zit is too big for ______".
(I can't remember the name, because like I said, I AIN'T NO GIRL WITH A BUTT!)
They also had a bigger, banner-style sign, but the front window was narrow
enough that they only put up part of it. So, the front window says:
NO ZIT IS TOO BIG
Hallelujah! Eight-hundred-pound zits have become socially acceptable!
3.) On the way home from the market today, I noticed that a local
Burger King had a sign in the window advertising a new "Cheese 'N Onion
Melt Burger". I am confused. Onions cannot melt. And I wouldn't want
a burger that had melted. So is the word "melt" left- or right-associative?
4.) When Jordan's King Hussein died last week, the TV kept telling me
he had succumbed to "non-Hodgkins lymphoma". WOW! THAT DR. HODGKINS
MUST REALLY HAVE BEEN SPECIAL TO HAVE ALL THE LYMPHOMAS IN THE WORLD
EXCEPT ONE NAMED AFTER HIM! Also I really like that show he created,
"Mystery Science Theater 3000."
Also, I will miss all those wacky commercials he did for his
furniture store that competed with Garry Marshall's furniture store.
5.) And while we're on the subject, I apologize for killing Gene Siskel.
Also I'd like to point out that it required considerable finesse to not
kill Ebert at the same time. I like Ebert. But in recent years, you could
tell there was something a little wrong with Siskel's brain because he
went from giving thumbs-down to any movie where the dialogue was in
American English to, a couple years back, insisting that liking Nastassia
Henstridge's _breasts_ was a valid reason to give thumbs-up to "Species".
He didn't say he recommended the movie because he liked _her_, he specifically
cited her _breasts_. The look on Ebert's face was one of those wonderfully
unscripted reactions, like if Soupy Sales had opened the front door of
his wacky clubhouse and seen David Niven running past naked. Anyhow, I've
been telling people for a couple years that something horrible had happened
to Siskel's brain -- I last mentioned it a few days ago in E-mail -- and
now it turns out the poor guy had a brain tumor that killed him even after
they removed it. Sorry, Gene.
So, those are today's points of discussion regarding big science-iffic
words that Claudia Christian couldn't pronounce even if Gene Siskel
wasn't staring at her breasts, and/or food that tastes bad and/or giant
zits that did not kill Gene Siskel.
-K.-
NO ZIT IS TOO BIG
equals
ALL ZITS ARE TOO SMALL!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Life for Dummies
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999 07:15:12 GMT
X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> An online amazon.co.uk review of the book "Y2K Solutions for Dummies"
> consists of this gem:
> >
> > This book provides a sound basis to getting started in y2k remediation.
> > It lacks in-depth coverage of remediation methods, but you can search
> > the internet to find more info on the of the topics covered.
>
> Indeed. I'm going to publish a book called "A concise guide to
> everything, for Dummies." It will consist of 500 pages with various
> headers ("How to Buy a House with no money down", "DIY Plumbing", "Where
> to find the best porn"), all blank save the following line on each page:
>
>
> LOOK IT UP ON THE INTERNET, YOU DUMMY!
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna write one called "HOW TO BE A DUMMY FOR DUMMIES!"
and on every page it's gonna say either "BUY LOTS OF 'FOR DUMMIES' BOOKS"
or "BUY THIS BOOK, YOU RETARD!" And the funny thing is that every copy
of "HOW TO BE A DUMMY FOR DUMMIES!" will say "BUY THIS BOOK, YOU RETARD!"
right on the front cover and so you'll have to buy EVERY COPY!!!!
Unless you're Abbie Hoffman AND you're a dummy.
> And the best thing is, anyone dumb enough to buy the book won't be smart
> enough to know the meaning of the word "refund." And if they do, I'll
> tell them to read the chapter entitled "How to get a refund."
"'Refund', from the Latin for 'fund again', means that if you don't like
this book, you're free to pay for it a second time. Then you'll be satisfied."
And then "Oldmilk" (oldmilk@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> I saw one called "WebTV for Dummies". They had to carry me out of Barnes &
> Noble on a stretcher, my convulsions were so intense.
These are the ones I'm writing:
Candyland For Dummies
How To Watch TV For Dummies
How To Say "Duh, Lookit Me, I Stupid," For Dummies
How To Eat Dirt For Dummies
How To Eat Dirt That Isn't For Dummies But You Got Some By Mistake
and, last, but not least,
Write What You Know! How To Write "For Dummies" Books For Dummies (For Dummies)
You"re pall,
Ted Nuegnt
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Life for Dummies
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 07:02:20 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
"New Improved Roger Douglas 2000" (rdouglas@zipworld.com.au) wrote:
>
> "Oldmilk" (oldmilk@hotmail.com) wrote:
> >
> > I saw one called "WebTV for Dummies".>
>
> My plan is to publish books called "The Wit and Wisdom of WebTV", "Best of
> WebTV Humour", "Everything WebTV USers Know About the Internet", "Great
> WebTV Contributions to Science and Learning" etc., and they WILL ALL BE JUST
> BLANK PAGES! HAW HAW!
But how would you get enough wit and wisdom to fill a whole blank page?
-- K.
I'm still working on publishing
the entire Web as a paperback book
so you can browse it without
an icky old computer.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Olestra chips don't increase stomach problems
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999 07:41:59 GMT
X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> [alleged scientific study on how Olestra doesn't cause SIGNIFICANT diarrhea]
> >
> > Researchers reported the findings after studying a group of
> > volunteers who ate either Olestra-based chips whenever they
> > wanted and wherever they wished, or ate regular chips one time
> > at a movie theater.
>
> WATCHING MOVIES CAUSES IRREGULAR BOWEL MOVEMENTS! FILM AT... NO, WAIT!
> COME BACK!
Olestra doesn't cause irregular bowel movements. After eating just one
Olestra chip, you'll have a nice constant bowel movement which begins
ten seconds after you swallow, and ends about twenty years later.
Even if you die first.
Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote:
>
> David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
> >
> > [CUT TO cardboard animated cutout figure, a human cross-section with
> > Olean Gold Pretzels flowing into the figure's mouth, through the body
> > and out, and back into the pretzel bag.]
>
> I saw that guy on WORLD'S MOST DISGUSTING MEDICAL VIDEOS tonight!
I'll let you in on a little secret. "Cops", "America's Most Wanted",
"Unsolved Mysteries", "Real Stories Of The Highway Patrol", "America's
Funniest Home Video", "World's Funniest", "America's Dumbest Criminals",
and that channel that shows open-heart surgery all day are THE SAME SHOW
WITH DIFFERENT TITLES!!!
And they're all produced by Henry Winkler! Ewww!
> Also, I'd like to thank Kibo for the term "neo-diarrhea"
> which makes me laugh every time I think of it.
Hey, Ranjit, here's a new one for you: "neo-laughter". THINK ABOUT IT!
-- K.
More Olestra stuff coming right up!
------- some mentions of Olestra in my writings from the past 18 months -------
> there will be typical HappyNet punishments (we prefer
> to refer to them with the more pleasing term "very negative
> reinforcement") such as death by Olestra.
> Olestra anagram: "El Astro".
> OLESTRA IS MADE FROM SPANISH DOGS FROM THE FUTURE!!!
> I'd just like to say that no fewer than seven to nine people have
> pointed out that www.diarrhea.com and www.olestra.com are the same
> site on this newsgroup. It is running neck and neck with
> "HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT BILL CLINTON PERSONALLY READS E-MAIL
> SENT TO PRESIDENT@WHITEHOUSE.GOV ALL DAY?" and that chain letter
> with the three ASCII spearchuckers above the description of
> Gene/Gen./Jean/Gerry Walsh/Welsh/Welch in the Phillipines/Philadelphia/Oxnard.
> Are you saying that because adding "The Clown" makes any name funny,
> that "KILL THE CLOWN!" is a joke and thus we cannot be prosecuted if
> we murder Ronald McDonald in his sleep?
>
> Are you saying that it would be healthier if his greasepaint were made
> from Olestra?
>
> Are you saying that Olestra has been found to make dancing dogs
> come out of your bellybutton but only if you ever STOP eating it?
> Alex Suter (asuter@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I'm surprised that ["Deep Impact"] didn't have an MSNBC
> > logo in the lower right hand corner. Sheesh.
>
> It did, but it was covered up by the "Olestra" logo.
> He has Olestra sent to him? That's scary. Imagine opening a package
> and having this big white slimy blob jump out and grab you just like
> John Hurt in "Alien". The Alien's blood wasn't acid, it was artificial fat!
> Meanwhile I better shoot up before I'm shot down. Aaaah, the sweet
> intravenous taste of Olestra. Now, where did I put that Nutrasweet
> soaked in LSD?
> In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, matthew stephens (mstep@webtv.net) wrote:
> >
> > I know it can be very confusing when you have to think outside your
> > current understanding. It is my belief that in order to get the 5th
> > dimension you would have to inverse the fourth; then go in reverse,
> > giving you a total of 10 dimensions.
>
> No, that's anniversary gifts. Dimensions go: rock, scissors, paper, time,
> nougat, Olestra, goldfish water, swirly marble center without the glass part,
> green Kleenex, Panty Cat.
> Those of you reading this fifty years from now will not remember Olestra.
> It was an artifical lard made out of plastic which was used in potato
> chips, despite causing "anal leakage". It was taken off the market in
> 1999 when they found out that it also made you gay.
> Why not just call yourself an "Olestrange" person or a "chimapanazi"?
>
> "colossal boretard"? "communistinker"? "Kirstialley"? "Dododo"?
> IS THIS REALLY OKRA? WHAT'S WITH THIS GUMBO MUMBO-JUMBO?
>
> It still tastes like okra, but if they're going to change the
> recipe on me I want to be sure they're not faking it with extruded
> olestra, carageenan, and green dye...
> In comp.software.year-2000, comp.society.futures, alt.religion.kibology,
> and alt.nuke.the.USA, Andrea Chen (fallinghawks@earthlink.net) wrote:
> >
> > This is the kind of people we have on Usenet Jason. You must be careful.
> > The aliens have programmed them and they want to waste your time so you
> > won't think about the greatest threat to humanity.
>
> It's "Viagrolestra". Now with more mesquite!
> (mmm, homemade Olestra-y!)
> And don't forget to get a WebTV too and go around telling everyone
> that you know the difference between a Land Rover and a Range Rover
> while driving your Kia and then go on a crusade against letterboxed
> movies because they cut off all the stuff in the top and bottom of
> your blurry projection TV shaped like a football and you eat Olestra-
> flavored potato chips while watching the pre-game and then you
> subscribe to Sports Illustrated just to get the crappy free phone
> shaped like your TV but then you're disappointed that it's not a
> videophone because you wanted to make prank phone calls on the videophone
> because you're not all that bright any more because you bought a
> chair you had to pump up and that will randomly explode, not to
> mention it flying around the room whenever you turn on the air
> conditioner and smelling like vinyl vomit.
> It's like trying to stand on a pile of Olestra without wearing
> eight-foot-wide snowshoes with no holes.
> Snacks at the party included a choice of Pringle's regular, Lite,
> and Olestra flavors (although a certain World employee walked off
> with the can of my favorite flavor before the party, so he may get
> something extra in his pay envelope this month, such as asafetida.)
> Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote:
> >
> > 2) I was at a Wow! store in Seal Beach, and discovered, to my surprise,
> > that Kibo's WebTV page actually works on a WebTV.
>
> Well, sort of. Also, the Wow! stores are filled with Olestra.
------- the pile of Olestra output will resume in a followup article -------
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Olestra chips don't increase stomach problems
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3029 centons, 34 microns, 0.02 abians
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999 08:20:39 GMT
X-Howdy-To: Archimedes Plutonium
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
I just wrote:
>
> ------- the pile of Olestra output will resume in a followup article -------
And now, the rest of the best of the most of my articles about Olestra!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Orgies found on board porno airline. 54052
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Mon, 30 Mar 1998 06:08:08 GMT
In various "erotic" newsgroups, helena@hidegvan.net wrote:
>
> Subject: Re: Orgies found on board porno airline. 54052
I was going to say,
Oh, no! All this time I'd been looking for orgies on the CELIBATE airline!
...but that would be lame. So to fill up this post I'm going to write
a story about Olestra like Leah Verre asked, and I'll see if I can finish
it before I have to run because... well... I just ate most of a bag of
Lay's "WOW!" Brand Olestra-Flavored Potato Chips and then drank some
Riptide Rush Gatorade.
SPOT AND THE ARTIFICIAL LARD
Copyright (C) 1998 by James "Kibo" Parry
Spot was sitting at home enjoying some potato chips made with
Olestra, the new plastic substance which was like fat only with
a laxative effect instead of calories. As he munched ("munch,
munch, munch") he noticed, across the room, his stool wobbling
and then falling over.
Suddenly, he felt an abnormal distension in his abdomen.
"Uh oh," he said, "maybe I shouldn't have been eating something
which had a big sticker on it saying 'WARNING: MAY CAUSE MASSIVE
AND TOTAL DIARRHEA'. I better hurry up and eat something
constipating so I won't have to go to the bathroom today."
So he had a pound of raw flank steak, from a giraffe for
extra stringiness, and washed it down with a handful of
plaster dust and Christmas tinsel.
But little did he know that he was tragically underestimating
the awesome power of Olestra. Spot might now be completely
constipated, but the crafty Olestra found another way out of
his body.
"Waah!" cried Spot as the gushing fountain from his soft
spot ruined his new baseball cap.
THE END
...and I gotta go!
-- K.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Caustic biohazardous substancess... yum!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, sci.med.nutrition, alt.food.fat-free
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1998 02:27:21 GMT
Eddie Saxe (saxe@sgi.com) wrote:
>
> Drano! Cholesterol-free since 1937! And now, try our new flavor,
> Honey-Nut Drano!
YAY! I FOUND THE SEGUE I'VE WANTED ALL DAY!
When I woke up this morning I realized I hadn't seen that commercial in
ten years. You know the one I mean.
No, really, you do. Don't you?
Oh, FINE, I guess I'll have to TELL you.
The dippy housewife is deep-frying some chicken, and it's golden brown,
and she turns it off and leaves it in the pan while she watches her
soap opera. When she comes back, she is amazed to discover that because
she left it soaking in Crisco for an hour, IT DOESN'T TASTE GREASY!
Now, the implication is that if you soak it in Crisco for an hour,
it's not greasy, and yet soaking it must make it greasier than it
would have been if you cooked it normally.
In other words, normal fried chicken has a NEGATIVE amount of grease!
Eating it will make your skin shrivel up and crack like the Yuma desert
in an Art Clokey short!
I know that "oil loss" is a hazard to humans because the government
wouldn't approve Olestra until they cured the problem of oil loss in
early versions of that toxic chemical. How does modern Olestra prevent
you from under-oiling your body?
They add fat to it. Olestra contains fat. You can look for the added
esters in the Pringles "Wow!" ingredients. (I like how they called
the Olestra-laced Pringles "Wow!". As in "Wow! These taste bad!")
If you don't believe me, expose yourself to the official Olean propaganda
on Procter & Gamble's Olean site, everyone's favorite, www.diarrhea.com.
-> I've heard some people say Olean may cause "anal leakage." Is this true?
->
-> No, eating Olean snacks will not cause "anal leakage." Olestra went
-> through 25 years of research before being approved by the FDA. During
-> this time, as with any development process, olestra was continually
-> evaluated and improved. While some people did experience oil loss with
-> the very early forms of olestra, it was addressed and corrected before
-> FDA approval. Olestra is manufactured to a FDA required specification to
-> control oil loss.
Olestra only causes anal leakage through other parts of your body.
-> There may be a misperception that foods made with Olean require a
-> warning label. Olean's label is not a warning label. Rather, it is an
-> information label which is intended to advise consumers of potential
-> non-serious effects that some consumers may experience.
You know, MINOR massive diarrhea.
-> For example, effects described as "diarrhea" were not diarrhea in the
-> medical sense because they were not associated with water loss or
-> electrolyte imbalance.
You know, that stuff that looks and feels just like diarrhea but
is completely fat-free.
-> Based upon the available data and information, FDA concludes that
-> consumption of olestra causes GI symptoms such as bloating, loose
-> stools, abdominal cramps, and diarrhea-like symptoms.
Just remember, NO ANAL LEAKAGE. Only loose stools, abdominal cramps,
and stuff that's exactly like diarrhea.
-> Does Olean's information label mention diarrhea?
->
-> No.
That's right, it says "WE'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO MENTION DIARRHEA" on the
front of every can of Pringles "Wow!" chips. That way people will never
think of diarrhea when they think of canned artificial potato shavings made
by a soap company. Nope, diarrhea and the taste of Pringles should not be
associated in your mind. REMEMBER, KIDS, DON'T THINK OF DIARRHEA AND
PRINGLES TOGETHER. DIARRHEA, PRINGLES, NO, DIARRHEA, PRINGLES, NO!
-> Subjects reported 'watery diarrhea' for a wide range of stool
-> consistency, from firm (1520g peak force) to watery (3g peak force).
I'd really like to meet the guy who invented the machine which measures
how much force diarrhea can take just so I can remember what he looks
like and avoid ever meeting him again.
Searching the Olestra Web site for "diarrhea" yields some pages that
don't mention "diarrhea"... this is because their webmaster kindly
added it to the keywords just to make it easy to find Olestra when
you're looking for diarrhea:
My personal favorite:
MAW, COME QUICK, THE OLESTRA'S GIVEN ME BLA-OTING AGIN!!!
-- K.
God bless Procter & Gamble for
making it so easy to find
diarrhea on their Web site.
From now on, whenever I want to
get diarrhea, I'm going to buy
Procter & Gamble brand diarrhea!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Proof positive: Scientists are EVIL!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1998 09:56:21 GMT
A scientific research paper that was posted at www.diarrhea.com.
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Effects of 14 d of Covert Substitution of Olestra for Conventional Fat on
> Spontaneous Food Intake
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
THERE IS NO GOD!!!
Just to be safe from now on I'm not going to eat anything with fat in it.
Then nobody could secretly slip Olestra into my diet.
Excuse me, now that I'm no longer eating fat, I better go out and buy
a bunch of no-fat Pringles--WAIT! YOU'RE TRYING TO TRICK ME! MOMMY!
> James O. Hill, Helen Seagle, Susan L. Johnson, Stepanie Smith, George W.
> Reed, Zung V. Tran, Dale Cooper, Martha Stone, and John C. Peters
With additional material by Quentin Tarantino. Starring Julia Sweeney as Pat!
> Am J Clin Nutr 1998: 67: 1178-85
>
> Abstract
I keep wanting to write a paper about Jackson Pollock.
If that's been done, I'll write one about Jackson Whitefish
(who used to be known as Jackson Bloated Lumpy Garbagefish.)
> We conducted a double-blind, placebo-contolled, within-subject crossover
> study to investigate the effects of covert sustition of olestra, a
> non-energy-containing fat replacer, for conventional fat on food selection
> and energy intake in lean and obese men and women.
The net result was that they became afraid to eat any food ever again.
Most lost some weight before they died.
> Fifty-one subjects [BMI
> (kg/m2): 19-36; age: 25-63 y] were studied during two 14-d treatment
> periods (olestra and placebo) with a 7-d washout between feeding periods.
> During the intervention periods all foods were provided to the subjects.
> The aim was to product a 10% dilution in total energy intake by replacing
> conventional triacylglycerol with olestra. To accomplish this, subjects
> were required to consume core foods providing 20-35 g olestra (depending
> on estimated energy needs) or the same foods containing placebo
> triacylglycerol. Additional items could be selected from foods that varied
> in macronutrient composition.
A macronutrient is a big wad of Olestra. Know the little white ball that
shows up in cheap hot dogs? Well, if the hot dogs have Olestra macronutrients,
the hot dog has to be spherical. Or peanut-shaped if it has two of 'em.
> When the two treatment periods were
> compared, total energy intake was 8% lower, and fat intake 11% lower
> during the olestra period than during the placebo treatment period
> (P<0.0001). Overall subjects compensated for 15% of the fat and 20% the
> total energy replaced by olestra. In absolute terms, subjects consumed 32%
> of total energy from fat during the olestra period. Niether carbohydrate
> nor protein intake (g/d)
g/d d/mn you all to h/ll!!!
> differed between periods. The results did not
> differ as a function of BMI (lean compared to obese) or sex. Over a 2-wk
> period, covert substitution of olestra for conventional fat led to
> reductions in dietary fat intake and total energy intake in all subjects.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> (C) Procter & Gamble. 1998
> Legal Terms and Conditions
I would have read the copyright notice, but I had to go to the bathroom.
-- K.
In the Other Universe, they
market Olestra as a laxative,
and people keep complaining
that it doesn't cause
enough diarrhea.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Fun with patent searches
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.sci.physics.plutonium
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 09:46:14 GMT
I was just thumbing through the U.S. Government looking for Archimedes
Plutonium's famous patents. Because he posted the patent numbers several
times, they would have been easy to find had they ever been actually accepted,
but those patent numbers (US 07737170, US 08304118) did not exist in the
database I checked (which covered all patents back to 1971). So I imagine
his applications are sitting in a special place somewhere behind the
U. S. Patent & Trademark Office, probably in the Potomac.
However, I did manage to dig up every patent which contained the word
"Olestra". Here are the abstracts of some of the better Olestra patents.
> US4919964: Shelf stable, highly aerated reduced calorie food products
>
> The invention relates to a highly aerated fatty composition and food
> products made therefrom that are smooth and creamy, storage stable, and
> resistant to slump and collapse. The fatty composition comprises at least
> about 5% by weight fat substitute selected from sugar fatty acid esters
> and sugar alcohol fatty acid esters, where the sugars and sugar alcohols
> contain from 4 to 8 hydroxyl groups, and where each fatty acid group has
> from about 2 to about 24 carbon atoms. The fatty composition is aerated to
> contain from 5% to 75% by volume edible gas dispersed uniformly in the
> composition.
Olestra. We put farts in it so you won't have to.
SOYLENT OLESTRA IS MADE FROM FARTS!
"Hello, I would like to buy some edible gas, not otherwise specified."
"Here you are, sir."
"Yay! Now I can make my own Olestra! I have mystery gas!"
> US4960600: Polyol polyesters as a protective moisture barrier for foods
>
> The present invention is a method for reducing the rate of moisture
> transmission into and out of foods comprising coating the surface of the
> foods with a coating containing an effective amount of polyol fatty acid
> esters. The polyol fatty acid esters have at least 4 fatty acid ester
> groups, and at least about 80% of the fatty acids contain not less than 12
> carbon atoms. The method is particularly useful for preserving the
> crispness and thereby prolonging the shelf life of cereal and/or starch
> based snack foods.
Yep, the more fat you put into the breakfast cereal, the crunchier --
and healthier -- it'll be.
> US4962092: Compositions for treating duodenal ulcers
>
> Anti-anal leakage agents are used in combination with vitamin-fortified
> liquid fatty acid polyester compositions to provide pharmaceutical and
> food compositions for treating duodenal ulcers while avoiding undesired
> anal leakage of the polyesters.
I am waiting for Sean Connery to play an Anti-Anal Leakage Agent on the
silver screen before I trade my duodenal ulcers for anal leakage.
REMEMBER, OLESTRA DOESN'T CAUSE DIARRHEA. IT CAUSES ONLY ANAL LEAKAGE,
BUTT SPEWAGE, RECTAL EXPLODAGE, AND NEO-DIARRHEA, BUT THOSE ARE ALL SPECIAL.
> US5158796: Polyol fatty acid polyester compositions with improved taste
>
> The present invention is a composition of matter comprising: (a) an
> edible, non-absorbable, non-digestible low calorie fat material having
> non-Newtonian pseudoplastic properties at body temperature; and (b) an
> edible, absorbable, digestible food material which acts as a solvent for
> the fat material. The rheological properties of the fat material are
> defined in terms of thixotropy, yield point, thixotropic area, and
> liquid/solid stability. The composition is useful as a fat substitute in
> low calorie food products. The composition provides a non-waxy taste in
> the mouth, and a laxative side effect is avoided.
I sense a great marketing slogan: "Now no longer tastes waxy or causes
massive diarrhea!" (Note for Boolean nitpickers: Yes, I meant to say
'or' and not 'nor'.)
> US5318790: Polyol polyester purification
>
> Polyol polyesters are purified by a process comprising bleaching with a
> specific silica gel and/or heat treatment and removal of volatile products
> by steam deodorization. Any steam deodorization is at reduced temperatures
> or in admixture with triglycerides to minimize thermal degradation of the
> polyol polyesters.
Olestra: Now Less Stinky!
Olestra: Now With Added Bleach!
> US5527866: Process for making solid polyol polyester polymer
>
> Nondigestible fat compositions useful as replacements for triglyceride
> fats or oils in foods are disclosed. These compositions have relatively
> flat solid Fat Content (SFC) profile slopes between typical room
> temperature and body temperature. The nondigestible fat compositions
> comprise a liquid nondigestible oil and nondigestible solid polyol
> polyester particles dispersed in the oil in an amount sufficient to
> control passive oil loss. The solid polyol polyester particles of the
> composition herein comprise from about 10% to 50% polyol polyester polymer
> and from 50% to about 90% polyol polyester monomer. The polyol polyester
> material which forms these solid particles must contain a relatively high
> proportion of long chain saturated fatty acid ester groups. Edible
> fat-containing products comprising these nondigestible fats can be less
> waxy tasting due to the lower level of solids required for passive oil
> loss control.
"Passive oil loss control." Remember, kids, Olestra never caused real
diarrhea, only PASSIVE diarrhea. It's diarrhea you can enjoy on the couch!
These Olestra patents contain all sorts of quotable bumperstickerisms:
alt.religion.kibology: Now With A Relatively Flat
Solid Fat Content Profile Slope!
Anyway, after I played around with digging up the Olestra patents I tried
to find the Orbitz patent, but it apparently doesn't say "Orbitz(R)" anywhere
in it, and I don't know the number because the bottle just says "PATENT
PENDING", so either it's in there somewhere, or it got rejected.
Or maybe evil mainstream scientists have sabotaged the database to eliminate
all evidence of Archimedes Plutonium and Orbitz! To test the database,
I searched for my own patents by entering "Inventor: Parry James W".
> US3670476: BRIDLE BIT HAVING IMPROVED MOUTHPIECE MOUNTING
> Ê Ê Ê Ê Ê Ê
> Inventor(s): Parry; James W. , Concord, TN 37720
>
> Issued/Filed Dates: JuneÊ20,Ê1972 / Dec.Ê18,Ê1970
>
> Abstract: Improved mouthpiece mounting for a bridle bit including flat,
> elongated cheek pieces adapted to lie along the opposite cheeks of a horse
> or like animal and having a mouthpiece disposed transversely therebetween.
> A pin on each end of the mouthpiece is received within a T-shaped opening
> on each cheek piece, and rigid U-shaped clips engage the pins within these
> openings and connect opposite ends of the mouthpiece to the cheek pieces
> thereby permitting interchange of mouthpieces in the bridle bit. The clips
> maintain the pins in general alignment with the longitudinal axis of each
> cheek piece and also permit partial rotation of each cheek piece about the
> longitudinal axis of each pin. Means are provided for releasably joining
> the rigid clips to the cheek pieces.
I invented that when I was 3. So remember, whenever anyone on alt.sex.bondage
posts an elaborate fantasy involving rigid U-shaped clips, partial rotation
of each cheek, or a "horse or like animal", I get royalties.
-- K.
Two more favorites: US 5513226,
"Destruction of Plutonium", and
US 3933582, "Plutonium Fuel
Adjacent Burnable Poison".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(end of reposts)
And now, just for you wonderful folks who are expecting me to say something
new and exciting, I went back to the patent database and searched for
"anal leakage". There were 16 patents (three of which were revised
versions, so there are really only 13 different patents) and here are
the titles of every American patent containing "anal leakage":
> Fat substitute compositions having reduced laxative effects
Lay's "Wow!" chips -- new Pepto-Bismol flavor!
> Process for producing low calorie foods from alkyl glycoside fatty acid
> polyesters
"New Big Block Of Solid Chemicals with 0% fat!"
> Compositions for treating hypercholesterolemia
"We're putting you on a special diet. You can only eat 'Wow!' chips."
"Waah! You're the meanest doctor I ever had! Next you're going to make
fun of my 800-pound weight!"
> Vitaminized compositions for treating hypercholesterolemia
"New Olestra with vitamins. Now you can get your daily vitamins AND
diarrhea in one place, to save valuable time!"
> Esterified polyoxyalkylene block copolymers as reduced calorie fat substitutes
I hear that "Esterified polyoxyalkylene block copolymers" didn't sell
well until they changed the name to "halvah".
> Food composition containing a siloxane polymer and a particulate silica
WHAT oxane?
> Method for reducing the available calories in a food composition
"It fits over her mouth!" (WOMP WOMP) [CUT TO: "Andy Capp: The Motion Picture"]
> Detoxifying lipophilic toxins
New improved Olestra -- now less poisonous! THE MORE DIARRHEA IT GIVES YOU
THE QUICKER THE POISON LEAVES YOUR BODY!
> Fat substitute compositions having reduced laxative effects at low levels
> of inclusion
Oh, great. Now whenever they advertise "all-inclusive resort vacations"
on TV I'm going to think they mean a resort filled with Olestra.
(Of course, we know that in reality "all-inclusive resorts" are just the
ones where gay people are allowed.)
> Fat substitute compositions including waxes for a reduced laxative effect
I'll never eat Starburst "candy" again.
> Compositions for treating duodenal ulcers
"Which would YOU rather have, an ulcer or diarrhea?"
> Sucrose fatty acid ester compositions and shortenings and margarines made
> therefrom
Fabio introduces new I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT DIARRHEA!
> Low caloric alkyl glycoside fatty acid polyester fat substitutes
The food-like-substance industry must be so happy that they came up with
a non-threatening name like "Olestra" instead of these big chemical words
with syllables in them and stuff. I can't wait to see the different
snack food companies coming up with cutesy variations, like they did with
"creamy" -> "cremey" -> "kremey" -> "kree-mee". Just think what they can
do with "diarrhea".
-- K.
I hear that Olestra got its
name because it was invented
by Art Selo, who was dyslexic
and signed his name backwards.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: IT'S POTSIE-TASTIC!
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 06:59:55 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
I just wanted to remind you folks that I live in a better universe than
you do, because here in my universe Ron Howard never, ever left "Happy Days"
and they're still making new episodes, and it's title "The Potsie Show"
because Potsie is the main character and he spends all his time beating
up the other guys.
Also he never directed the episode of NBC's "seaQuest DSV" where the
space aliens abducted the submarine, and Kevin Costner was never born.
That's why my universe is better than yours, which is why I'm better than you.
-- K.
AND DON'T YOU EVER LET ME FORGET IT!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Northwestern Kibology Meeting Thingy Whatever
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 07:10:44 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote:
>
> Nick Bensema is coming to Seattle in a couple of weeks.
Wow, he's expanding fast. We're only just getting Starbucks here.
> To celebrate Nick's first big step away from his protective parental bubble,
> there will be a dinner-type gathering on Saturday, March 6th.
Do you mean THIS year? Or is this another one of those stupid parties
where we have to go out and buy rent time machines at the time machine store?
It's so hard to find a good time machine store any more, they've all turned
into Starbucks. And they all sell these muffins shaped like robotic chimps.
> Place is to be determined, but will no-doubt be held at a Chinese resteraunt
> somewhere in the downtown Seattle area.
What if Bill Gates comes in while you're eating and buys the whole restaurant
and changes it to serving only NERD food, then what will you do?
> Attending will be myself, Nick, Louis Nick III (though he didn't know it
> until he read this mail), and A SURPRISE MYSTERY GUEST whom you all know and
> love but who wishes to remain SOOOOOOOPER SEEEEEEEEEEKRIT!!!!!
I would just like to say that the first time I read that sentence it said
"and A SURPRISE MYSTERY GAS!!!"
> PS: We will also happily take suggestions on what Nick should do while he's
> on his unsupervised Seattle adventure.
Run naked through Microsoft headquarters wearing only a Red Hat.
-- K.
I think Linux would sell
better if the hat came in
your choice of five fruit colors.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Yet another TV commercial that made me not buy the stupid product.
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 07:21:55 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
For some time now, Fig Newtons commercials have been trying to convince
us that we should buy them because THEY'RE NOT COOKIES, THEY'RE CAKE!
Now, as if that's not stupid enough, the commercials have taken a twist
for the surreal in a manner which suggests they're being produced by
people who hate Fig Newtons, as with Ben Stiller's AOL commercials and
the classic Philips CD-i infomercial. ("NO! DON'T SAY HELP!")
There's one they've been running for about a year, in which a British lad
in a private school uniform (I'm sure if we could read the little crest
drawn on his blazer it would say something like "FIG NEWTONS PERQATORY SCHOOL")
is eating Fig Newtons in front of a society matron. They're so good that
he is stuffing them into his mouth with both hands. She gently admonishes
him that a GENTLEMAN eats his cookies one at a time, and he points out that
they're not cookies, they're Fig Newtons, so she immediately dumps twenty
of them into her purse.
Now comes the bizarre part. They recently tacked this onto the end:
She's walking down the street, with twenty streams of clear fluid whizzing
out of her purse, as the voice-over tells us that Fig Newtons are now moister.
Similar in concept to the old Wendy's commercials where they emphasized
that the hamburgers squirted red beef blood all over your nun's habit
when you bit one. (A hamburger, not a nun.) Anyway, the implication is
that Fig Newtons are either (a) incredibly watery or (b) live toads.
MMM-MMM! FIG NEWTONS! THEY'RE NOT COOKIES, THEY'RE TOADS! PLEASE DON'T
SQUEEZE THE NEWTONS!
-- K.
Of course, those can't REALLY have been
streams of wee-wee coming out of her
purse, because they weren't blue.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Yet another TV commercial that made me not buy the stupid product.
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 10:44:49 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote:
>
> This is a sad day in TV history
So the flag in Commercial Land will have to fly at half staff, but of course
there's also that big billboard right next to it to convince you that
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAFF IS NEITHER TOO HIGH NOR TOO LOW!!! as the
National Middle Of The Staff Council reminds us.
> because Fig Newtons really are yummy, but the store brand Fig Newtons
> are horrendous.
I just want to know why, when I throw them at people, they don't discover
gravity or something. I even threw one at Archimedes Plutonium and all that
happened was that he forgot about his electric velcro invention, thus
depriving countless future generations of the joy of seeing murderers
executed by lethal fanny packs.
> Especially Strawberry Newtons, even though store brands of those are
> good because, hey, you can never go wrong with strawberries.
Wait, I thought the Newton only came in black, but the iMac came in your
choice of strawberry, pinkberry, lightredberry, puceberry, and peptoberry.
HOORAY! I MADE THE LAST-EVER JOKE ABOUT THE APPLE NEWTON!!!
-- K.
I wonder if there's still a warehouse
full of Bandai Pippin @World consoles
somewhere...
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Waah! Programming a stupid computer made me hungry and/or stupid!
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 10:37:54 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Okay, so I put my halal chicken strips into the oven ("halal" is Arabic
for "kosher") and start working on the program I've been writing, reminding
myself not to get carried away with typing in fun stuff like
# "(cat dog pez)" -> "+cat +dog +pez"
$thekeywordstring =~ s/\(([a-z0-9_*]+) +([a-z0-9_*]+) +([a-z0-9_*]+)\)/\+$1 \+$2 \+$3/g;
for three hours so that they burn.
An hour and a half later I'm typing
if ($contentsline =~ /([^ ]+) \[([^\]]+)\] \[([^\]]+)\] ([^ ]+) ([^ ]+)/)
and reminding myself that I reminded myself to get them out of the oven
sometime. But I don't smell halal charcoal yet so I assure myself that
they're still okay because I didn't turn the oven up too high, because
I figured I needed a safety margin. So I go on typing
$KeywordFound[$TheFileWeFoundNum][$KeywordWeWantNum] += $TheNumber;
$HitNumber[$TheFileWeFoundNum][$TheSpellingFoundNum] += $TheNumber;
and now it's two hours later and the program appears to be in a semi-usable
state at the moment so I decide to leave it that way until tomorrow, and
I go to rescue my halal chicken strips from the fires of forgetfulness.
if ($AnythingWasFound == $NO)
{
&FatalError("No results were found, you bozo!");
}
Fortunately, the chicken strips weren't scorched because I didn't turn the
oven up too high.
Unfortunately, I didn't turn the oven up past room temperature.
Usually I only forget to turn the oven off, not forget to turn it on.
WAAH! PROGRAMMING IN STUPID COMPUTER LANGUAGES MAKES YOUR BRAIN ERODE!
If I keep this up I'll be eating cold chicken strips for the rest of my
life while being baffled by the brain-teasers on the "Mecca 2000" contest
entry form in the box of chicken strips:
SKILL-TESTING QUESTION: (2 x 3 + 6 / 2 - 3) = ______________
WAAH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT PRCEDENCE "+" and "x" HAVE IN THE KORAN!!!
So, do they mean (2 x 3) + (6 / 2) - 3 = 6, or do they mean
(((2 x 3) + 6) / 2) - 3 = 3? I want to be sure I correctly enter this
contest, because the prizes include one (1) round-trip to Mecca,
four (4) TV sets, fifty (50) watches, fifty (50) "Islamic books"
(I note that the 50 watches are 3rd prize but the 50 copies of the Koran
are 4th prize) and the last prize is one of one hundred (100) T-shirts
advertising frozen halal chicken strips. But I can't get past the
stupid math problem, which is clearly intended to be easy (after all,
they want everyone to enter, no?)
I suspect there's some strange Islamic prohibition against gambling which
says that games of skill are okay, even if they're completely pointless
and are then followed by a random drawing. In other words, you're allowed
to gamble all you want provided you test your skill before you gamble.
Now we know why those "strength-tester" gizmos are always set up in
front of the actual fun stuff on the carnival midway.
Also, this contest requires me to send in the original barcode from the
box, "or hand-drawn facsimile". BARCODES ARE THE MARK OF THE DEVIL UNLESS
THEY'RE DRAWN IN PENCIL SO YOU CAN ERASE THEM LATER!!!
-- K.
In enjoy mixing kosher food with halal
food just so I can help bring about
world peace inside my stomach. Plus
these chicken strips aren't bad, even
though I think the market only stocked
them by accident, like the way the
Safeway frozen broccoli showed up
instead of Star frozen broccoli once.
P.S. That math problem is even harder than that test you have to take
to get into the Knights of Columbus! I still can't figure out how many
there are in the Holy Trinity!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: It worked! IT WORKED!
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 07:49:47 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
In four newsgroups, Andrea Chen (fallinghawks@earthlink.net) wrote:
>
> YAY!
>
> We did a clown invocation to bring back Lisa Higgens and it worked!
>
> We're heroes!
>
> Hi Lisa, I stole the Hope diamond to make you a tiara and Kibo borrowed
> it from me and gave it to Archimedes Plutonium. I'm so sorry, I hope
> you'll forgive me.
Sorry, Andrea, I only gave it to him because I thought it was a
Womder Woman tiara.
-- K.
I still like how her theme song
rhmyed "on the side of right"
with "in your satin tights"...
EVEN THOUGH NOT ALL VIEWERS
WERE WEARING SATIN TIGHTS!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Profanity Found in TV Wrestling
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 07:35:25 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Thanks to the Associated Press, we can enrich our drab little lives by
reading David Bauder's exciting wire-service article:
"AP / DAVID BAUDER, AP Television Writer" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote:
>
> NEW YORK (AP) -- A popular two-hour wrestling show on cable
> television averages only 36 minutes of actual wrestling -- leaving
> plenty of time for crotch grabbing, obscene gestures and simulated
> sexual activity, according to a study.
Wait... are you saying the study showed there WAS "actual wrestling" in it?
> A detailed Indiana University study of 50 ``WWF Raw'' episodes
> last year on the USA network turned up a staggering amount of
> profane or risque incidents.
Oh, yeah, this is so much better than that OTHER, SUPERFICIAL study.
> For instance, researchers counted 1,658 instances of a character
> grabbing or pointing to their own crotch -- or roughly eight every
> half hour, not counting slow-motion instant replays.
So let's see. For a fifty-million dollar research grant you can count
1,658 crotches.
Has the government considered de-funding these university studies when
there are plenty of insane homeless people who will count crotches FOR FREE?
> ``I could see where an adult would be very concerned with the
> frequency at which these behaviors were aired, particularly at this
> time of day,'' said Walter Gantz, professor at Indiana's Department
> of Telecommunications.
But it teaches kids to count. At least to 1,658.
> For the past year, wrestling programs on USA or TNT have
> consistently been among the highest-rated shows each week on basic
> cable. But they're far from the goofy fun of the old days.
YEAH IT'S RUINING PRO WRESTLING NOW THAT THEY FAKE EVERYTHING AND
JUST PRETEND TO GRAB THEIR CROTCHES!!!
> The syndicated news show ``Inside Edition'' commissioned the
> Indiana University study for a two-part report airing this week.
> Reporter Matt Meagher said he became interested in looking at
> wrestling when his wife, a middle school teacher, told him about
> her students imitating the behavior seen on the shows.
> Researchers counted 157 instances of wrestlers or audience
> members making an obscene gesture and 434 times when people either
> said a sexually charged slogan or displayed one on a sign.
Just out of curiosity, did Professor Brainiac Q. Doubledome McSquared
consider that maybe, just maybe, there are also OTHER reasons that
pro wrestling is a bad TV show for eight-year-olds?
> There were 128 episodes of simulated sexual activity and 47
> references to Satanic activity. One segment featured people
> supposedly draining blood from a ``dead'' wrestler and drinking it,
> Gantz said.
FAKE SATANISM IS MORE EVIL THAN REAL SATANISM!!!
> There were also 609 instances of wrestlers or other being struck
> by objects like garbage cans or nightsticks.
THAT'S MUCH WORSE THAN HAVING A 300-POUND GUY NOT HOLDING A NIGHTSTICK
JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON YOUR ADAM'S APPLE!
Hey, the wrestler's Adam's Apples are fake, too!
> ``Somehow they managed not to hurt each other,'' Gantz said.
> ``I'm not certain that a 10-year-old realizes that they are skilled
> at doing this.''
I'm sure a ten-year-old would be much smarter than the average
American TV viewer. I mean, GROWNUPS watched "Knight Rider".
> Jim Byrne, senior vice president of marketing for the World
> Wrestling Federation, said they were ``responsible broadcasters.''
> WWF places a parental warning on ``WWF Raw'' and provides calmer
> programs during hours when children are more likely to watch, he
> said.
> ``WWF Raw'' has plots like those in ``NYPD Blue'' and ``Beverly
> Hills 90210,'' he said.
RIGHT... THIS... MINUTE... Somehere, Ben Stiller is switching sideburns!
I'm sorry, nobody remembers those two shows that aired between the one
about the four jerks living in a guy's head and that one with just
Sam Kinison living in a guy's head.
> ``The fans are tuning in for the story lines and the fact that
> we are somewhat edgy makes it more attractive,'' he said.
Men everywhere are turned on by pinking shears. And Julie Brown.
I'M SORRY I'VE SEEN MORE FOX TV SHOWS THAN YOU! I AM REALLY REALLY SORRY!
> A USA network representative had no immediate comment on the
> study.
I would just like to point out that "Knight Rider" and the wrestling show
are not on Fox. Life-skills tip: More than one network shows crap!
> -=-=-
> AP NEWS
> The Associated Press News Service
> Copyright 1998 by The Associated Press
> All Rights Reserved
>
> The information contained in the AP News report may not be published,
> broadcast or redistributed without the prior written authority of
> The Associated Press.
I'm sorry, but you're not allowed to not give me written authority without
asking for my written permission.
-- K.
I hereby give you
written permission
to HAVE A NICE DAY!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: New Stuff On www.kibo.com !
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 09:17:15 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
www.kibo.com , the world's least stupid Web site, has gotten a few new
pages today.
There's a new issue of The Kibonia Times at long last.
Click the "Site Map" button (on the "Front Door" page) or go to:
http://www.kibo.com/kibomap
After accepting votes for months and months on what the topic of the
next "Spot & Einstein's Endless Adventure" story should be, I counted
'em and wrote the first chapter of the N*E*W adventure:
http://www.kibo.com/adventure
...has both the original story and the beginning of the new one.
And yes, the second story's title really is what people actually voted for
at the end of the first story. Not what I would have chosen, but apparently
the California Raisins still have the all-time highest TV Q score.
COMING TO ABC-TV THIS FALL! "MAX Q"! A TV MOVIE IN WHICH AMERICA'S ONLY HOPE
OF SAVING THE SPACE SHUTTLE LIES IN THE RAGTAG TEAM OF BOB HOPE, BILL COSBY,
THE OLSEN TWINS, AND THE GODDAMN CALIFORNIA RAISINS!
-- K.
I hear that Dean Lenort gave ABC the
idea that firing the satellite's engines
inside the shuttle's cargo bay was
the sort of thing NASA does all the time.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: New Stuff On www.kibo.com !
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 09:57:09 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
I just wrote:
>
> www.kibo.com , the world's least stupid Web site, has gotten a few new
> pages today.
And another reason to go to www.kibo.com RIGHT NOW:
http://www.kibo.com/whatsold
It's the Web site that dares to tell you not only what's new, but what's
not new! Everywhere in the Universe! From Bob Hope to "If I could walk
that way, I wouldn't need the foot powder!" to the lettuce at Burger King!
www.kibo.com is the only Web site that TRULY CARES FOR ALL MANKIND!
-- K.
NOTE THAT MANKIND INCLUDES THOSE
OF YOU WHO ARE GIRLS BECAUSE
GIRLS ARE A KIND OF MAN! ONLY SEXY!
THE GIRLS LOVE ME IN FRANCE!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Subject lines are too short
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 10:10:00 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
"Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote:
>
> Couldn't fit my original subject line there. So it's lost forever.
It's probably been stolen by Lee Bumgarner, who painted some extra
serial numbers on it and melted it down for parts for his Message-ID.
> Well anyway. On with the show.
I don't think I like The Bracket-Gren Show any more 'cause the talking
car just keeps telling David Hasselhoff, "BE GLAD YOU'RE IN THIS SHOW AND
NOT WATCHING IT AD HOME BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH SHOWS WITH TALKING
CARS IN THEM ARE MORONS!" And I don't like watching any show that is
WRONG about me being a moron!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> I, umm, "got a hold of" a list of all students at this university. The
> immediately obvious thing to do was to read through it an laugh cruelly
> at people with silly names.
So what you're saying is that in Finland _every_single_line_ of the
phone book is funnier than an episode of "Monty Python's Flying Circus"
actually filmed in outer space with Ben Stiller, Peter Sellers, Phil
Hartman, and Monica Lewinsky as Dancing Bear #7?
I mean, most people in Finland are named something like
"Aekkikkikkaeaekkirri Aekkikkikkaeaekkirriivii III", the sort of thing
you get when a spastic person tries to kill archy the cockroach with
a giant foam rubber "We're #1" hand.
> This, however, led me to the astonishing discovery that, in
> swedish-speaking Finland, you can have the last names:
>
> 1) Sarin
That's a gas!
> 2) Barman
I just want to know why they changed the name of Berthold Barmen to
Berthold Barmeno, or vice versa. I don't like the font, I just want
to know why it's Barmen in "The Modern Encyclopedia Of Typefaces"
but Barmeno in the catalogs.
> 3) Spoof
That's the punchline of Se–or Wences's most homophobic routine ever!
Then Terry Gilliam came in and sprayed him with Flit.
> 4) Theman
Hey! Don't put The Man down! The Man is there to keep YOU down!
> And you thought Right-square-bracket-gren was silly.
Not to mention his name. DEE-YADDA-DADDA-DADDA, HEEEEERE COMMMME THEEEE
DAAAAA-AAAANCING BEEEEAAAAARRRRS!!!!!! (Kibo hits himself in the face
with a cream pie, then picks up ten cream pies and falls down the stairs,
and he lands in a giant cream pie. Said giant cream pie is on top of
a giant mousetrap that hurls the giant pie, containing Kibo, into outer
space, where it collides with a planet made entirely out of meringue.
A large throbbing orange blob that says "SPLAT!!!" pulsates on the screen
for a few seconds, then Nickelodeon's programming resumes.)
-- K.
I was quoting from Linda Ellerbee's show.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.fan.kia-mennie,alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: The SoCal One-Stop Nerd Shop
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 06:09:39 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
K.M. Mennie (ay028@FreeNet.Carleton.CA) wrote:
>
> There is a place here called "Fry's." It sells:
>
> -- computers and related items
> -- a surprisingly wide variety of tools (though no specialized and exotic
> ones, such as claw hammers)
> -- home appliances
> -- small appliances
> -- teevees
> -- software
> -- "For Dummies" books
>
> ...you get the idea. Apart from the scary multi-media Maytag
> extravaganzas, it is mostly a place for very large and oily men to buy
> computer parts. This is all rather unremarkable, yes.
Wait... out there, people BUY computer parts? You don't just find old
computers sitting on the street like on Beacon Hill?
> The scary part about Fry's is that apart from all this electronic
> what-have-you, it has little sections for people who do not leave the
> house except when forced to do so by hard disk failure, breakage of 3M
> anti-static wrist strap, etc. It has food, which is: discounted soda pop,
> virtually all of it well-caffeinated, and chips, mostly of the "Now With
> Extra `Flavour Powder' in 100% Rad FLAVOUR Flavour" Doritos variety, plus
> some random Hostess-type items.
NEW! DORITOS FLAVORED TWINKIES!
They'd sell really big at Fry's if they were made by IBM and labelled
"THINKIES". Also the building should be shaped like a french fry.
Ever notice that fast-food chains no longer call them "French fries", but
just "fries"? I think the gummint required them to say "French-style fries."
> This is all a little unnerving, especailly when you are looking at it,
> hungry, but thinking you would rather get "health food" in the form of
> Taco Bell than partake of the MSG-and-sugar party, but it gets worse.
> Fry's has a sort of "Personal Care" section.
Hot tip: The special lemon-and-wax-flavored pop-up-dispenser moist wipes
for cleaning your inkjet printer's rollers are also sold as MoistMates(TM)
pre-moistened toilet paper.
> -- 75% of the shampoos sold at Fry's are of the dandruff-treatment variety
Or is it just that 75% of the stuff you saw -- the stuff they DIDN'T SELL --
is of that variety? I maintain that the nerds in that area have bought up
all the REGULAR SHAMPOO!
Besides, they're all bald so it doesn't matter what kind of shampoo Fry's sells.
By the sea shore.
> -- despite a wide variety of things not normally urgent purchases/things
> you would have on hand anyway (pimple cream, Q-Tips), there was one
> glaring oversight, and it was thus: NO TAMPONS!
Were the no tampons packed six or twelve per empty box?
> -- 1 cologne sold: this goes without saying, but: "Old Spice"
She's the saggiest one of the five. They never should've tried to
replace Ginger.
> The "Personal Care" section would have suited a vending machine at a boys'
> residence at MIT (or so one fancies). It was hard not to find a manager
> and make him explain, or just hang out by the Aqua Velva and wait until
> somebody picked it up to pounce on them: are you unaware of pharmacies?
> Why do you purchase shampoo and food at an electronics store? Do your
> parents know you're here? Etc.
Yes, but supermarkets a few years ago were fond of selling individually-
wrapped blank floppy disks for about $3 each (until people caught on, or
just stopped using floppies like those of us with cool computers did.)
Supermarkets still sell individually-wrapped blank videotapes for $4.50,
and they're always right next to the "2 for $8" and the "4 for $10" packages,
and I love watching bozos buying the world's most expensive video tapes!
YEAH, BUY THE SINGLE FOUR-DOLLAR VIDEOTAPE, THAT'S A SMART MOVE BECAUSE
MAYBE YOU'LL NEVER FILL IT UP!
> I would like to hear tales of worse geek meccas, if anyone has them.
Comdex Las Vegas has slot machines. And AdultDex is across town because
they don't allow pornography at Comdex, just gambling. Beat that!
-- K.
They should combine gambling with
porn (strip roulette!) to have
the perfect thing to fill up that
corner of Fry's when Microsoft
goes out of business next week.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Falwell in new claim scandal
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 06:28:15 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> Subject: Falwell in new claim scandal
I would just like to say, honestly, that the first time I read that it
said "clam scandal".
> Falwell's newspaper claims
> 'Kibology' causes gayness
IT DOES NOT! EVERYTHING *BUT* KIBOLOGY CAUSES GAYNESS!!!
Kibology just causes unwanted pregancies. In your neighbor's house.
> February 22, 1999
>
> ROANOKE, Virginia. (AP) -- The Rev. Jerry Falwell has suggested that
> James "Kibo" Parry, the fun-loving, purple scorefile-toting character on
> Usenet's popular "alt.religion.kibology" children's newsgroup, causes
> gayness.
>
> A spokesman for McIrvin-Northrup-Grumman, which licenses Kibology in the
> United States, said the scorefile is actually Kibo's magic mail and news
> filter.
It's not magic, it's just not explicable by logic. (After all, why WOULD
anyone want to read the Internet? And even if they did want to read the
Internet, why would they want to read only PART of it?)
> "The fact that he carries a scorefile doesn't cause gayness," Kibology
> lawyer E Teflon Piano said. "It's a children's newsgroup, folks. To
> think we would be putting sexual innuendo in a children's newsgroup is
> kind of outlandish. There are several other newsgroups out there that
> carry more child pornography than alt.religion.kibology. At least two
> that I know of. HEARD OF!"
>
> The February edition of the National Liberty Journal (NLJ), edited and
> published by Falwell, contains an article warning parents that the thin
> Kibologist with the filtering newsreader may be a gay role model.
Wait, wait. Does this mean I can or can't have sex with Madonna now?
> To support its claim, the publication says Kibo has a voice that
> sounds eerily familiar to that of Mr. Rogers (a nationally recognized
> gay symbol) and carries a scorefile. "It's purple and green and blue --
> colors featured in the gay-pride "Rainbow Coalition" flag; and the logo
> for the program he uses to read e-mail features a man wearing a hat
> shaped like a triangle -- the gay-pride symbol.
No, no, no, I use Eudora, which doesn't have much of an icon to speak of.
It's the program that displays the big rooster whenever mail arrives,
and there is NOTHING gay about roosters under any name!
> He has been recorded promoting the purple iMac --
Yeah, but only to people I don't like.
The blue iMac is actually the best one (really -- it has newer keyboard ROMs.
Apple's new minitowers are all blue, and they were too cheap to make all
five colors of keyboards support the blue minitower, so only the blueberry
peripherals work with all their computers.)
> a computer for homosexuals if I ever saw one;
But, five years ago, Apple got in trouble for not being Politically Correct
when they refused to give out that American History CD-ROM with their
family-oriented kid-friendly Performa computers just because it had a
twelve-page section titled "WHY THERE WERE LOTS OF GAY COWBOYS IN THE
WILD WEST AND HOW THEY PASSED AS WOMEN ALL THE TIME AND EVERYONE WAS
CONFORTABLE WITH THEIR SEXUALITY." In the middle of the introduction.
Which was printed on a sticker permanently affixed to the front of the screen.
> intellectually, he leans towards scientific fields of study --
> hotbeds of perversion populated by limp-wristed nancyboys. And since he
> doesn't smoke, I have to assume that the insides of his lungs are a
> healthy pink -- the gay-pride color."
WAAH! ALL HONKIES ARE GAY!!! AND ALL BROTHERS WHO HAVE HANDS OR FEET!!!
> Falwell contends the "subtle depictions" are intentional and issued a
> statement Tuesday that said, "As a Christian I feel that role modeling
> the gay lifestyle is damaging to the moral lives of children." Falwell
> reiterated a previous statement in which he declared that while he does
> not feel that Kibo himself is gay,
Please tell Dr. Falwell to stop feeling me, whether or not he's hetero.
> Kibology in general is being used "as a tool to promote gayness"
> as a viable alternative to "good old-fashioned American
> wife-beati^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hheterosexuality."
Hey! Hey! Nobody tell Dr. Falwell that saying "CONTROL-AITCH" aloud
makes to turn gay when you've said it nine times. Keep your eye on him!
He's teetering on the brink of the bottomless pink triangular canyon!
> The British newsgroup aimed at toddlers began airing on U.S. Usenet news
> servers in late 1991, as a spin-off group that included some of the
> characters from the popular "alt.slack" newsgroup. The Kibologists are
> portrayed by computer geeks who speak gibberish while dressed in
> oversized, brightly colored lack of pants. They all have computer
> screens on their tummies.
Wait, you forgot to paste in the part about the heavy boots when you
took out "TIE Fighter".
> Piano said Falwell was attacking "something sweet and innocent, and yet
> at the same time sick and completely twisted"
It's a Twizzler! TWIZZLERS MAKE MOUTHS HAPPY! TELEPATHICALLY!!!
> to further his conservative political agenda. The Kibology lawyer is
> said to have "not rejected" the idea of a good lawsuiting.
>
> Falwell's spokeswoman, Laura Swickard, said the founder of the now-
> defunct Moral Majority agreed with everything that was in the NLJ
> article and would not comment beyond his one-paragraph statement.
>
> In another separate statement, Rev. Falwell also says he regrets saying
> the AntiKibo is a Kibologist who probably is alive today.
>
> "I apologize not for what I believe, but for my lack of tact and
> judgment in making a statement that served no purpose whatsoever,"
> Falwell said.
>
> According to the KiBible, the AntiKibo will spread universal evil in the
> form of unfunny one-line followups before the end of the world,
YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!
> but will be finally conquered at the second coming when Kibo posts the full
> contents of his scorefile so that everyone can ignore the AntiKibo at
> the same time.
1. kill all articles except those from /kibo@world.std.com/
2. highlight all articles from /kibo@world.std.com/
THE END.
-- K.
I use a slightly different
system, of course, but the
above is strongly recommended for
those of you with Internet access.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Falwell in new claim scandal
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Thu, 25 Feb 1999 06:45:28 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Kibology just causes unwanted pregancies. In your neighbor's house.
>
> OTHER THINGS CAUSED BY KIBOLOGY:
>
> - Projectile leprosy
LEAPIN' LEPROSY!!!!
> - Projectile spinal bifida
Oh no! Quick, make Don Saklad stand away from the Internet!
> - Reverse Olestra symptoms
The reverse of the symptoms, or the reverse of Olestra?
It would be something you add to food to increase the fat content and
make it less poisonous.
> - Confusing "they're" with "their"
YOU WON"T THEIR THEYR"E !!!!11
> - Nausea, cramps, loose stool
Could be worse. Could cause Gramps.
> - Rejection by donor
Then Corbin Bernsen found out it was a sperrrrrrrm bank after the
first half of the movie! Boingggg!
> - Nasal Tourette's Syndrom
"Gee, dad, this is the best educational game you ever brought home!"
-- Philip K. Dick Junior
> - Low morale
You misspelled "standards" as "e".
> - Blank Hallmark greeting cards
That's so that you can't tell whether I'm wishing you a Happy Birthday
or REVERSE OLESTRA SYMPTOMS!!!
> - Token Ring beaconing
Not to mention bus contention on the #66 to Harvard.
> - Partial levitation
Because gravity and time are the same thing at right angles, this means
that the left side of your body will age faster than the right side, and
because the blood will be circulating fast on the left and slow on the right,
blood cells will bunch up and clot when moving to the left, and air bubbles
will form moving to the right. Also if you walk to the right your fast
side will try to move through your slow side and you'll turn inside out.
> - Absinthe
Makes the heart raise meat.
> - Bob Hope
>
> That last one makes so much sense.
Please stop being sarcastic around Bob Hope! He is extremely brittle and
lacks the ability to tell sarcasm from classical music!
> After all, without Christianity/Judaism/Other, there's no Devil.
> Bob Hope was placed upon this Earth so that Kibology could begin.
> IN THE PIT OF PENULTIMATE DARKNESS!
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! AT THE WOOSTER CENTRUM CENTER! CENTRUM CENTER!
> EEEEEVIL!
I still say the forces of evil, in conjunction with the National Evil
Marketing Board, should air image commercials where they emphasize that
evil is now even gooder than it used to be. "EVIL! IT'S ALWAYS BEEN
BETTER THAN LOUSY OLD GOOD, AND NOW IT'S EXTRA EVIL FOR EXTRA FUN!
WRITE TO BOX 1, WASHINGTON D.C., TO GET McWOOF'S EVIL COMIC BOOK TO
HELP YOUR KIDS GROW UP GOOD 'N EVIL!"
-- K.
The word "'N" is truly evil.
Especially when Andy Capp says it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: ARGH! ARGH! argh! ARGH! ARGH! GAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Thu, 25 Feb 1999 10:48:02 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Okay, so lately I've been complaining a lot about attempts at wackiness
in pop-culture and (especially) commercials that attempt to be "hip"
by sticking random combinations of "dot", "com", and "slash" into random
places where they shouldn't be.
If they were just sticking ".com" onto the end of things I'd just say,
PEOPLE, THIS HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE.
But that's not the worst of it, so I've been primarily ignoring that
non-overkill-worthy meme, because there are plenty of examples of the
more egregious MALFORMED URL-LIKE CHARACTER SALADS in such low culture.
Like that VW commercial with "backslash-dot-com-all-day-long" in the jingle.
Well, today I opened my brand spanking new TV Guide (the one which informs
my that the late Gene Siskel plans to return to "Siskel & Ebert" this fall)
and on page 2 was one of Hershey's attempts at humor in their
"CHANGE IS BAD" ad campaign.
This one shows a tree trunk with a heart carved into it, and written in
the heart is:
dave@net//.com
+
amy@web//.com
argh! argH! arGh! arGH! aRgh! aRgH! aRGh! aRGH! Argh! ArgH! ArGh!
ArGH! ARgh! ARgH! ARGh! ARGH! SUPER-DOUBLE-TOXIC-BOZOTICAL-ARGH-DELUXE!!!!
Somewhere there are elderly people who have never been near a computer
because they're scared to go near a computer, much less touch one, who
are reading this ad (I assume it's also in Reader's Digest where they'll
see it) and they're nodding their head in recognition of the fact that
IT'S CUTE BECAUSE IT'S TRUE and IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S JUST AS CONFUSING
AS THE REAL INTERNET.
Also, the ad's tagline is "UNCHANGED SINCE 1899", which is odd given that
the Hershey bar is now (a) more artificial than it was in 1899 (I don't
think they had synthetic vanillin then,) (b) smaller than it was in 1899
(it shrinks 10% every even-numbered year so that the next year they can do
"NOW 10% BIGGER!" This, of course, means that after two years it's 99%
of its original size.) and (c) in 1899 it cost something like five cents,
as your grandpa will keep claiming to remember, and now it costs about
fifty cents, double that in a vending machine, quintuple that near any airport.
Anyway, the idea that "amy@web//.com" is a W//A@C//K@Y E-mail address
makes me want to hunt down Dave and Amy and whack 'em with a giant
Hershey bar. Studded with pointy almonds.
-- K.
IT'S BECAUSE OF ADS LIKE THIS
ONE THAT NOBODY LIKES CANDY!!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Woman sues eatery for $30M over party
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 11:16:24 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
God bless United Press International for telling me:
>
> NEW YORK, Feb. 25 (UPI) -- A woman who lives on Manhattan's Upper East
> Side is suing a restaurant for $30 million because the owners allegedly
> spoiled her birthday party with bad catering.
YEAH WELL I'M GONNA SUE THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE FOR A MILLION BILLION TRILLION
ZILLION DOLLARS FOR NOT GIVING ME A BIRTHDAY PARTY! AND THE ONE THEY DIDN'T
GIVE ME WAS REALLY CRAPPY TOO SO I'M ENTITLED TO DOUBLE PUNITIVE DAMAGES
PLUS HITSIES AND A REFUND ON MY TAXES AND I GET TO DRIVE THE SPACE SHUTTLE
FOR A DAY!!! AND IF I LOSE THIS LAWSUIT I'M GONNA SUE YOU FOR VIOLATING
MY CIVIL RIGHTS TO WIN ALL THE LAWSUITS I WANT! I'M SUING EVERYONE BECAUSE
THIS IS AMERICA, DAMMIT!!!!
> Lucia Kaiser claims the owners of the Ohm restaurant in Chelsea
> caused ``irreparable injury to her professional standing in the
> community, business loss, embarrassment and anxiety.''
YEAH AND FILING CRAZY NUISANCE LAWSUITS HELPS YOUR SOCIAL STATUS! JUST
ASK ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM, WHO IS THE KING OF SCIENCE IN ALL CAPS!!!
SO LUCIA COULD BE THE QUEEN OF WILD PARTIES AND MARRY HIM!!! AND THEY COULD
HAVE TEN SONS AND NAME THEM ALL EDGAR BECAUSE NOBODY DOES THAT MUCH THESE DAYS
EVEN WHEN THEY DO HAVE TEN SONS!!!
> She alleges amongst other things they did not fulfil a promise that
> the premises would be air conditioned with a specially lit, running
> decorative fountain and full security.
Oooh, a RUNNING DECORATIVE fountain, as opposed to an INOPERABLE
BUT ESSENTIAL TO WORLD PEACE fountain.
> She also says the owners did not fulfil a promise to donate a portion
> of the money from the cash bar to a charity of her choice.
> Ohm owner Frank Levy says he fulfilled the contract completely and
> called the lawsuit frivolous.
You know, I think there should be a better term than "frivolous" for lawsuits
brought by idiots. "Frivolous" implies it was just filed on a whim.
I'm sure lawsuits like this are actually the result of hours and days of
careful planning by complete and total morons. I would suggest that a good
term for such inept yet seriously-intended lawsuits be "duhduhduh, duhduh,
duhhhhhhhh" lawsuits. And that last "duhhhhhhhhh" has to last about a week
when you say it. But I'm allowed to say it fast 'cause I made it up, so
I get to make the rule that says you have to say it for a week. Every week.
> He adds that Kaiser only had to guarantee bar sales of $3,000 under
> the contract, and did not have to pay him a penny.
Well, if the twit wins, he MIGHT want to consider paying HER in pennies.
Did you know that the average penny will fit nicely into the muzzle of
a potato gun?
> Levy called it a wonderful party with 430 guests including Quincy
> Jones and Harry Belefonte.
HAW HAW THEY DIDN'T CHECK THE SPELLING OF THE NAMES ON THE GUEST LIST SO
A RANDOM GUY GOT IN!!! THE *REAL* HARRY BELAFONTE WOULD HAVE NOTICED
THAT THE RUNNING FOUNTAIN WASN'T DECORATIVE!!!
> He says Kaiser told him Madonna, Police Commissioner Howard Safir and
> Mayor Rudolph Giuliani would be coming, but they didn't show up.
Hell, if I threw a party, I'd *PAY* $30,000,000 to guarantee that
Madonna and Giuliani didn't show up.
-- K.
duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: MORTON DISEASE
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians
Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 11:29:28 GMT
Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
In sci.med, GUENARD (guenard@univ-lyon3.fr) wrote:
>
> WHO KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THE MORTON DISEASE ??
> DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS HAD THIS DISEASE ???
ARTCHIMEDTES PLUTONTIUM HADTS THE MORTON DISTEASE !!!!
-- KT.