Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Profanity Found in TV Wrestling Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 07:35:25 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Thanks to the Associated Press, we can enrich our drab little lives by reading David Bauder's exciting wire-service article: "AP / DAVID BAUDER, AP Television Writer" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote: > > NEW YORK (AP) -- A popular two-hour wrestling show on cable > television averages only 36 minutes of actual wrestling -- leaving > plenty of time for crotch grabbing, obscene gestures and simulated > sexual activity, according to a study. Wait... are you saying the study showed there WAS "actual wrestling" in it? > A detailed Indiana University study of 50 ``WWF Raw'' episodes > last year on the USA network turned up a staggering amount of > profane or risque incidents. Oh, yeah, this is so much better than that OTHER, SUPERFICIAL study. > For instance, researchers counted 1,658 instances of a character > grabbing or pointing to their own crotch -- or roughly eight every > half hour, not counting slow-motion instant replays. So let's see. For a fifty-million dollar research grant you can count 1,658 crotches. Has the government considered de-funding these university studies when there are plenty of insane homeless people who will count crotches FOR FREE? > ``I could see where an adult would be very concerned with the > frequency at which these behaviors were aired, particularly at this > time of day,'' said Walter Gantz, professor at Indiana's Department > of Telecommunications. But it teaches kids to count. At least to 1,658. > For the past year, wrestling programs on USA or TNT have > consistently been among the highest-rated shows each week on basic > cable. But they're far from the goofy fun of the old days. YEAH IT'S RUINING PRO WRESTLING NOW THAT THEY FAKE EVERYTHING AND JUST PRETEND TO GRAB THEIR CROTCHES!!! > The syndicated news show ``Inside Edition'' commissioned the > Indiana University study for a two-part report airing this week. > Reporter Matt Meagher said he became interested in looking at > wrestling when his wife, a middle school teacher, told him about > her students imitating the behavior seen on the shows. > Researchers counted 157 instances of wrestlers or audience > members making an obscene gesture and 434 times when people either > said a sexually charged slogan or displayed one on a sign. Just out of curiosity, did Professor Brainiac Q. Doubledome McSquared consider that maybe, just maybe, there are also OTHER reasons that pro wrestling is a bad TV show for eight-year-olds? > There were 128 episodes of simulated sexual activity and 47 > references to Satanic activity. One segment featured people > supposedly draining blood from a ``dead'' wrestler and drinking it, > Gantz said. FAKE SATANISM IS MORE EVIL THAN REAL SATANISM!!! > There were also 609 instances of wrestlers or other being struck > by objects like garbage cans or nightsticks. THAT'S MUCH WORSE THAN HAVING A 300-POUND GUY NOT HOLDING A NIGHTSTICK JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON YOUR ADAM'S APPLE! Hey, the wrestler's Adam's Apples are fake, too! > ``Somehow they managed not to hurt each other,'' Gantz said. > ``I'm not certain that a 10-year-old realizes that they are skilled > at doing this.'' I'm sure a ten-year-old would be much smarter than the average American TV viewer. I mean, GROWNUPS watched "Knight Rider". > Jim Byrne, senior vice president of marketing for the World > Wrestling Federation, said they were ``responsible broadcasters.'' > WWF places a parental warning on ``WWF Raw'' and provides calmer > programs during hours when children are more likely to watch, he > said. > ``WWF Raw'' has plots like those in ``NYPD Blue'' and ``Beverly > Hills 90210,'' he said. RIGHT... THIS... MINUTE... Somehere, Ben Stiller is switching sideburns! I'm sorry, nobody remembers those two shows that aired between the one about the four jerks living in a guy's head and that one with just Sam Kinison living in a guy's head. > ``The fans are tuning in for the story lines and the fact that > we are somewhat edgy makes it more attractive,'' he said. Men everywhere are turned on by pinking shears. And Julie Brown. I'M SORRY I'VE SEEN MORE FOX TV SHOWS THAN YOU! I AM REALLY REALLY SORRY! > A USA network representative had no immediate comment on the > study. I would just like to point out that "Knight Rider" and the wrestling show are not on Fox. Life-skills tip: More than one network shows crap! > -=-=- > AP NEWS > The Associated Press News Service > Copyright 1998 by The Associated Press > All Rights Reserved > > The information contained in the AP News report may not be published, > broadcast or redistributed without the prior written authority of > The Associated Press. I'm sorry, but you're not allowed to not give me written authority without asking for my written permission. -- K. I hereby give you written permission to HAVE A NICE DAY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: It worked! IT WORKED! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 07:49:47 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In four newsgroups, Andrea Chen (fallinghawks@earthlink.net) wrote: > > YAY! > > We did a clown invocation to bring back Lisa Higgens and it worked! > > We're heroes! > > Hi Lisa, I stole the Hope diamond to make you a tiara and Kibo borrowed > it from me and gave it to Archimedes Plutonium. I'm so sorry, I hope > you'll forgive me. Sorry, Andrea, I only gave it to him because I thought it was a Womder Woman tiara. -- K. I still like how her theme song rhmyed "on the side of right" with "in your satin tights"... EVEN THOUGH NOT ALL VIEWERS WERE WEARING SATIN TIGHTS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.food.taco-bell,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Corditas (sp?) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 07:54:22 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > Anti-Blair (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > "Shadow", of no E-mail address, quoted thirty-some lines Kibo wrote, to add: > > > > > > Did you like, forget to take your Prozac or something? SHUT UP!! You are > > > annoying. > > > > Without Prozac, depressive are generally noncommunicative. If you want to > > intersperse hip psychobable without going into vapid lock, you should say > > > > "forget to take your lithium?" > > > > So, what happenned? Forget your fluoxetine? > > Maybe he forget to take his Depakote. People who are annoyed by Kibo > are also annoyed by reality, and there is not a lot they can do about > either one. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me. Except for the part about me not being real, and the part about me being annoying, and the part about me being psychotic, and the part about me being on drugs. But I liked the part about the dancing frogs that come through the walls. -- K. Their names are Sil, Wox, Freef, Slunch, Inkle, Puh, and Bazpacho. The walls, that is. Hello, walls... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: New Stuff On www.kibo.com ! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 09:17:15 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor www.kibo.com , the world's least stupid Web site, has gotten a few new pages today. There's a new issue of The Kibonia Times at long last. Click the "Site Map" button (on the "Front Door" page) or go to: http://www.kibo.com/kibomap After accepting votes for months and months on what the topic of the next "Spot & Einstein's Endless Adventure" story should be, I counted 'em and wrote the first chapter of the N*E*W adventure: http://www.kibo.com/adventure ...has both the original story and the beginning of the new one. And yes, the second story's title really is what people actually voted for at the end of the first story. Not what I would have chosen, but apparently the California Raisins still have the all-time highest TV Q score. COMING TO ABC-TV THIS FALL! "MAX Q"! A TV MOVIE IN WHICH AMERICA'S ONLY HOPE OF SAVING THE SPACE SHUTTLE LIES IN THE RAGTAG TEAM OF BOB HOPE, BILL COSBY, THE OLSEN TWINS, AND THE GODDAMN CALIFORNIA RAISINS! -- K. I hear that Dean Lenort gave ABC the idea that firing the satellite's engines inside the shuttle's cargo bay was the sort of thing NASA does all the time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New Stuff On www.kibo.com ! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 09:57:09 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just wrote: > > www.kibo.com , the world's least stupid Web site, has gotten a few new > pages today. And another reason to go to www.kibo.com RIGHT NOW: http://www.kibo.com/whatsold It's the Web site that dares to tell you not only what's new, but what's not new! Everywhere in the Universe! From Bob Hope to "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the foot powder!" to the lettuce at Burger King! www.kibo.com is the only Web site that TRULY CARES FOR ALL MANKIND! -- K. NOTE THAT MANKIND INCLUDES THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE GIRLS BECAUSE GIRLS ARE A KIND OF MAN! ONLY SEXY! THE GIRLS LOVE ME IN FRANCE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Subject lines are too short Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 10:10:00 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > Couldn't fit my original subject line there. So it's lost forever. It's probably been stolen by Lee Bumgarner, who painted some extra serial numbers on it and melted it down for parts for his Message-ID. > Well anyway. On with the show. I don't think I like The Bracket-Gren Show any more 'cause the talking car just keeps telling David Hasselhoff, "BE GLAD YOU'RE IN THIS SHOW AND NOT WATCHING IT AD HOME BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH SHOWS WITH TALKING CARS IN THEM ARE MORONS!" And I don't like watching any show that is WRONG about me being a moron!!!!!!!!!!!!! > I, umm, "got a hold of" a list of all students at this university. The > immediately obvious thing to do was to read through it an laugh cruelly > at people with silly names. So what you're saying is that in Finland _every_single_line_ of the phone book is funnier than an episode of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" actually filmed in outer space with Ben Stiller, Peter Sellers, Phil Hartman, and Monica Lewinsky as Dancing Bear #7? I mean, most people in Finland are named something like "Aekkikkikkaeaekkirri Aekkikkikkaeaekkirriivii III", the sort of thing you get when a spastic person tries to kill archy the cockroach with a giant foam rubber "We're #1" hand. > This, however, led me to the astonishing discovery that, in > swedish-speaking Finland, you can have the last names: > > 1) Sarin That's a gas! > 2) Barman I just want to know why they changed the name of Berthold Barmen to Berthold Barmeno, or vice versa. I don't like the font, I just want to know why it's Barmen in "The Modern Encyclopedia Of Typefaces" but Barmeno in the catalogs. > 3) Spoof That's the punchline of Se–or Wences's most homophobic routine ever! Then Terry Gilliam came in and sprayed him with Flit. > 4) Theman Hey! Don't put The Man down! The Man is there to keep YOU down! > And you thought Right-square-bracket-gren was silly. Not to mention his name. DEE-YADDA-DADDA-DADDA, HEEEEERE COMMMME THEEEE DAAAAA-AAAANCING BEEEEAAAAARRRRS!!!!!! (Kibo hits himself in the face with a cream pie, then picks up ten cream pies and falls down the stairs, and he lands in a giant cream pie. Said giant cream pie is on top of a giant mousetrap that hurls the giant pie, containing Kibo, into outer space, where it collides with a planet made entirely out of meringue. A large throbbing orange blob that says "SPLAT!!!" pulsates on the screen for a few seconds, then Nickelodeon's programming resumes.) -- K. I was quoting from Linda Ellerbee's show. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Falwell in new claim scandal Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 06:28:15 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Subject: Falwell in new claim scandal I would just like to say, honestly, that the first time I read that it said "clam scandal". > Falwell's newspaper claims > 'Kibology' causes gayness IT DOES NOT! EVERYTHING *BUT* KIBOLOGY CAUSES GAYNESS!!! Kibology just causes unwanted pregancies. In your neighbor's house. > February 22, 1999 > > ROANOKE, Virginia. (AP) -- The Rev. Jerry Falwell has suggested that > James "Kibo" Parry, the fun-loving, purple scorefile-toting character on > Usenet's popular "alt.religion.kibology" children's newsgroup, causes > gayness. > > A spokesman for McIrvin-Northrup-Grumman, which licenses Kibology in the > United States, said the scorefile is actually Kibo's magic mail and news > filter. It's not magic, it's just not explicable by logic. (After all, why WOULD anyone want to read the Internet? And even if they did want to read the Internet, why would they want to read only PART of it?) > "The fact that he carries a scorefile doesn't cause gayness," Kibology > lawyer E Teflon Piano said. "It's a children's newsgroup, folks. To > think we would be putting sexual innuendo in a children's newsgroup is > kind of outlandish. There are several other newsgroups out there that > carry more child pornography than alt.religion.kibology. At least two > that I know of. HEARD OF!" > > The February edition of the National Liberty Journal (NLJ), edited and > published by Falwell, contains an article warning parents that the thin > Kibologist with the filtering newsreader may be a gay role model. Wait, wait. Does this mean I can or can't have sex with Madonna now? > To support its claim, the publication says Kibo has a voice that > sounds eerily familiar to that of Mr. Rogers (a nationally recognized > gay symbol) and carries a scorefile. "It's purple and green and blue -- > colors featured in the gay-pride "Rainbow Coalition" flag; and the logo > for the program he uses to read e-mail features a man wearing a hat > shaped like a triangle -- the gay-pride symbol. No, no, no, I use Eudora, which doesn't have much of an icon to speak of. It's the program that displays the big rooster whenever mail arrives, and there is NOTHING gay about roosters under any name! > He has been recorded promoting the purple iMac -- Yeah, but only to people I don't like. The blue iMac is actually the best one (really -- it has newer keyboard ROMs. Apple's new minitowers are all blue, and they were too cheap to make all five colors of keyboards support the blue minitower, so only the blueberry peripherals work with all their computers.) > a computer for homosexuals if I ever saw one; But, five years ago, Apple got in trouble for not being Politically Correct when they refused to give out that American History CD-ROM with their family-oriented kid-friendly Performa computers just because it had a twelve-page section titled "WHY THERE WERE LOTS OF GAY COWBOYS IN THE WILD WEST AND HOW THEY PASSED AS WOMEN ALL THE TIME AND EVERYONE WAS CONFORTABLE WITH THEIR SEXUALITY." In the middle of the introduction. Which was printed on a sticker permanently affixed to the front of the screen. > intellectually, he leans towards scientific fields of study -- > hotbeds of perversion populated by limp-wristed nancyboys. And since he > doesn't smoke, I have to assume that the insides of his lungs are a > healthy pink -- the gay-pride color." WAAH! ALL HONKIES ARE GAY!!! AND ALL BROTHERS WHO HAVE HANDS OR FEET!!! > Falwell contends the "subtle depictions" are intentional and issued a > statement Tuesday that said, "As a Christian I feel that role modeling > the gay lifestyle is damaging to the moral lives of children." Falwell > reiterated a previous statement in which he declared that while he does > not feel that Kibo himself is gay, Please tell Dr. Falwell to stop feeling me, whether or not he's hetero. > Kibology in general is being used "as a tool to promote gayness" > as a viable alternative to "good old-fashioned American > wife-beati^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hheterosexuality." Hey! Hey! Nobody tell Dr. Falwell that saying "CONTROL-AITCH" aloud makes to turn gay when you've said it nine times. Keep your eye on him! He's teetering on the brink of the bottomless pink triangular canyon! > The British newsgroup aimed at toddlers began airing on U.S. Usenet news > servers in late 1991, as a spin-off group that included some of the > characters from the popular "alt.slack" newsgroup. The Kibologists are > portrayed by computer geeks who speak gibberish while dressed in > oversized, brightly colored lack of pants. They all have computer > screens on their tummies. Wait, you forgot to paste in the part about the heavy boots when you took out "TIE Fighter". > Piano said Falwell was attacking "something sweet and innocent, and yet > at the same time sick and completely twisted" It's a Twizzler! TWIZZLERS MAKE MOUTHS HAPPY! TELEPATHICALLY!!! > to further his conservative political agenda. The Kibology lawyer is > said to have "not rejected" the idea of a good lawsuiting. > > Falwell's spokeswoman, Laura Swickard, said the founder of the now- > defunct Moral Majority agreed with everything that was in the NLJ > article and would not comment beyond his one-paragraph statement. > > In another separate statement, Rev. Falwell also says he regrets saying > the AntiKibo is a Kibologist who probably is alive today. > > "I apologize not for what I believe, but for my lack of tact and > judgment in making a statement that served no purpose whatsoever," > Falwell said. > > According to the KiBible, the AntiKibo will spread universal evil in the > form of unfunny one-line followups before the end of the world, YOU SUCK!!!!!!!! > but will be finally conquered at the second coming when Kibo posts the full > contents of his scorefile so that everyone can ignore the AntiKibo at > the same time. 1. kill all articles except those from /kibo@world.std.com/ 2. highlight all articles from /kibo@world.std.com/ THE END. -- K. I use a slightly different system, of course, but the above is strongly recommended for those of you with Internet access. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Falwell in new claim scandal Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Thu, 25 Feb 1999 06:45:28 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Kibology just causes unwanted pregancies. In your neighbor's house. > > OTHER THINGS CAUSED BY KIBOLOGY: > > - Projectile leprosy LEAPIN' LEPROSY!!!! > - Projectile spinal bifida Oh no! Quick, make Don Saklad stand away from the Internet! > - Reverse Olestra symptoms The reverse of the symptoms, or the reverse of Olestra? It would be something you add to food to increase the fat content and make it less poisonous. > - Confusing "they're" with "their" YOU WON"T THEIR THEYR"E !!!!11 > - Nausea, cramps, loose stool Could be worse. Could cause Gramps. > - Rejection by donor Then Corbin Bernsen found out it was a sperrrrrrrm bank after the first half of the movie! Boingggg! > - Nasal Tourette's Syndrom "Gee, dad, this is the best educational game you ever brought home!" -- Philip K. Dick Junior > - Low morale You misspelled "standards" as "e". > - Blank Hallmark greeting cards That's so that you can't tell whether I'm wishing you a Happy Birthday or REVERSE OLESTRA SYMPTOMS!!! > - Token Ring beaconing Not to mention bus contention on the #66 to Harvard. > - Partial levitation Because gravity and time are the same thing at right angles, this means that the left side of your body will age faster than the right side, and because the blood will be circulating fast on the left and slow on the right, blood cells will bunch up and clot when moving to the left, and air bubbles will form moving to the right. Also if you walk to the right your fast side will try to move through your slow side and you'll turn inside out. > - Absinthe Makes the heart raise meat. > - Bob Hope > > That last one makes so much sense. Please stop being sarcastic around Bob Hope! He is extremely brittle and lacks the ability to tell sarcasm from classical music! > After all, without Christianity/Judaism/Other, there's no Devil. > Bob Hope was placed upon this Earth so that Kibology could begin. > IN THE PIT OF PENULTIMATE DARKNESS! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! AT THE WOOSTER CENTRUM CENTER! CENTRUM CENTER! > EEEEEVIL! I still say the forces of evil, in conjunction with the National Evil Marketing Board, should air image commercials where they emphasize that evil is now even gooder than it used to be. "EVIL! IT'S ALWAYS BEEN BETTER THAN LOUSY OLD GOOD, AND NOW IT'S EXTRA EVIL FOR EXTRA FUN! WRITE TO BOX 1, WASHINGTON D.C., TO GET McWOOF'S EVIL COMIC BOOK TO HELP YOUR KIDS GROW UP GOOD 'N EVIL!" -- K. The word "'N" is truly evil. Especially when Andy Capp says it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: ARGH! ARGH! argh! ARGH! ARGH! GAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Thu, 25 Feb 1999 10:48:02 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, so lately I've been complaining a lot about attempts at wackiness in pop-culture and (especially) commercials that attempt to be "hip" by sticking random combinations of "dot", "com", and "slash" into random places where they shouldn't be. If they were just sticking ".com" onto the end of things I'd just say, PEOPLE, THIS HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE. But that's not the worst of it, so I've been primarily ignoring that non-overkill-worthy meme, because there are plenty of examples of the more egregious MALFORMED URL-LIKE CHARACTER SALADS in such low culture. Like that VW commercial with "backslash-dot-com-all-day-long" in the jingle. Well, today I opened my brand spanking new TV Guide (the one which informs my that the late Gene Siskel plans to return to "Siskel & Ebert" this fall) and on page 2 was one of Hershey's attempts at humor in their "CHANGE IS BAD" ad campaign. This one shows a tree trunk with a heart carved into it, and written in the heart is: dave@net//.com + amy@web//.com argh! argH! arGh! arGH! aRgh! aRgH! aRGh! aRGH! Argh! ArgH! ArGh! ArGH! ARgh! ARgH! ARGh! ARGH! SUPER-DOUBLE-TOXIC-BOZOTICAL-ARGH-DELUXE!!!! Somewhere there are elderly people who have never been near a computer because they're scared to go near a computer, much less touch one, who are reading this ad (I assume it's also in Reader's Digest where they'll see it) and they're nodding their head in recognition of the fact that IT'S CUTE BECAUSE IT'S TRUE and IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S JUST AS CONFUSING AS THE REAL INTERNET. Also, the ad's tagline is "UNCHANGED SINCE 1899", which is odd given that the Hershey bar is now (a) more artificial than it was in 1899 (I don't think they had synthetic vanillin then,) (b) smaller than it was in 1899 (it shrinks 10% every even-numbered year so that the next year they can do "NOW 10% BIGGER!" This, of course, means that after two years it's 99% of its original size.) and (c) in 1899 it cost something like five cents, as your grandpa will keep claiming to remember, and now it costs about fifty cents, double that in a vending machine, quintuple that near any airport. Anyway, the idea that "amy@web//.com" is a W//A@C//K@Y E-mail address makes me want to hunt down Dave and Amy and whack 'em with a giant Hershey bar. Studded with pointy almonds. -- K. IT'S BECAUSE OF ADS LIKE THIS ONE THAT NOBODY LIKES CANDY!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Woman sues eatery for $30M over party Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 11:16:24 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor God bless United Press International for telling me: > > NEW YORK, Feb. 25 (UPI) -- A woman who lives on Manhattan's Upper East > Side is suing a restaurant for $30 million because the owners allegedly > spoiled her birthday party with bad catering. YEAH WELL I'M GONNA SUE THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE FOR A MILLION BILLION TRILLION ZILLION DOLLARS FOR NOT GIVING ME A BIRTHDAY PARTY! AND THE ONE THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME WAS REALLY CRAPPY TOO SO I'M ENTITLED TO DOUBLE PUNITIVE DAMAGES PLUS HITSIES AND A REFUND ON MY TAXES AND I GET TO DRIVE THE SPACE SHUTTLE FOR A DAY!!! AND IF I LOSE THIS LAWSUIT I'M GONNA SUE YOU FOR VIOLATING MY CIVIL RIGHTS TO WIN ALL THE LAWSUITS I WANT! I'M SUING EVERYONE BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA, DAMMIT!!!! > Lucia Kaiser claims the owners of the Ohm restaurant in Chelsea > caused ``irreparable injury to her professional standing in the > community, business loss, embarrassment and anxiety.'' YEAH AND FILING CRAZY NUISANCE LAWSUITS HELPS YOUR SOCIAL STATUS! JUST ASK ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM, WHO IS THE KING OF SCIENCE IN ALL CAPS!!! SO LUCIA COULD BE THE QUEEN OF WILD PARTIES AND MARRY HIM!!! AND THEY COULD HAVE TEN SONS AND NAME THEM ALL EDGAR BECAUSE NOBODY DOES THAT MUCH THESE DAYS EVEN WHEN THEY DO HAVE TEN SONS!!! > She alleges amongst other things they did not fulfil a promise that > the premises would be air conditioned with a specially lit, running > decorative fountain and full security. Oooh, a RUNNING DECORATIVE fountain, as opposed to an INOPERABLE BUT ESSENTIAL TO WORLD PEACE fountain. > She also says the owners did not fulfil a promise to donate a portion > of the money from the cash bar to a charity of her choice. > Ohm owner Frank Levy says he fulfilled the contract completely and > called the lawsuit frivolous. You know, I think there should be a better term than "frivolous" for lawsuits brought by idiots. "Frivolous" implies it was just filed on a whim. I'm sure lawsuits like this are actually the result of hours and days of careful planning by complete and total morons. I would suggest that a good term for such inept yet seriously-intended lawsuits be "duhduhduh, duhduh, duhhhhhhhh" lawsuits. And that last "duhhhhhhhhh" has to last about a week when you say it. But I'm allowed to say it fast 'cause I made it up, so I get to make the rule that says you have to say it for a week. Every week. > He adds that Kaiser only had to guarantee bar sales of $3,000 under > the contract, and did not have to pay him a penny. Well, if the twit wins, he MIGHT want to consider paying HER in pennies. Did you know that the average penny will fit nicely into the muzzle of a potato gun? > Levy called it a wonderful party with 430 guests including Quincy > Jones and Harry Belefonte. HAW HAW THEY DIDN'T CHECK THE SPELLING OF THE NAMES ON THE GUEST LIST SO A RANDOM GUY GOT IN!!! THE *REAL* HARRY BELAFONTE WOULD HAVE NOTICED THAT THE RUNNING FOUNTAIN WASN'T DECORATIVE!!! > He says Kaiser told him Madonna, Police Commissioner Howard Safir and > Mayor Rudolph Giuliani would be coming, but they didn't show up. Hell, if I threw a party, I'd *PAY* $30,000,000 to guarantee that Madonna and Giuliani didn't show up. -- K. duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: MORTON DISEASE Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 11:29:28 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med, GUENARD (guenard@univ-lyon3.fr) wrote: > > WHO KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THE MORTON DISEASE ?? > DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS HAD THIS DISEASE ??? ARTCHIMEDTES PLUTONTIUM HADTS THE MORTON DISTEASE !!!! -- KT. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Now www.kibo.com has pictures, pictures, pictures! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Sat, 27 Feb 1999 06:23:38 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In response to consumer complaints about my site: "WWW.KIB0.C0M IZ 2 HARD 2 REED 'CAUSE IT HAS L0TS & L0TS 0F W0RDZ !!!!1" ...I have added a big photo gallery with pictures you can look at even if you don't want to read the stupid captions! http://www.kibo.com/ <-- write this down on a napkin then double-click the magic napkin to go there. -- K. I took all the photos myself. Well, okay, I lied -- I used a camera. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dumb Dream #867. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Sat, 27 Feb 1999 07:22:37 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, so Dean Lenort is showing me around NASA's headquarters, which for some reason has teller windows with thick glass in front of the employee cubicles (and they're all pushing unlabelled buttons on these giant metal adding machines), and a group of Cub Scouts comes in for a tour, and a wall opens up and these guys in gas masks come out and kill the Cub Scouts with nerve gas. Does NASA really do this kind of thing, or was it just another stupid dream that we can only wish would come true? I mean, roving packs of Cub Scouts are a definite nuisance. -- K. Especially if they've got Muscle and Popsicle and you're out of The Homer. [ CUE MATT McIRVIN ] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dumb Dream #867. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 06:47:56 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, so Dean Lenort is showing me around NASA's headquarters, > > which for some reason has teller windows with thick glass in front > > of the employee cubicles (and they're all pushing unlabelled buttons > > on these giant metal adding machines), and a group of Cub Scouts comes > > in for a tour, and a wall opens up and these guys in gas masks come > > out and kill the Cub Scouts with nerve gas. > > Stuff like that doesn't really happen. Nerve gas is SO 1997. We use > mustard gas these days. Effective and retro all in one! But mustard gas is, like so GAY!!!!! Now, wasabi gas, that has CLASS. > > Does NASA really do this kind of thing, or was it just another stupid dream > > that we can only wish would come true? I mean, roving packs of Cub Scouts > > are a definite nuisance. > > Er, I meant to say no, things like this don't happen at all. So bring > your tired, your hungry, your poor on by for a tour. Be sure to carry > plenty of cash and easily pawnable valuables to maximize your fun! I just like going into pawn shops and saying, "My chess set is missing a piece. Can I buy one of the little people here?" and then I say "DAWW, DAHRRRR, DURHAW..." and scratch my head with my foot, unless the guy holds up Billy Barty, in which case I just pay for him and leave quietly to go make a sequel to "Sigmund & The Sea Monsters". > Johnson Space Center: Over 22 days without a lost Cub Scout incident! Gee, and it's not like NASA could hide the bodies by putting them where only astronauts could ever find them or something. WHY DO YOU THINK THEY DON'T SELL TELESCOPES IN STORES ANY MORE??? -- K. I was going to tell you about my latest dumb dream, but it was so dumb that it deserves an article of its own. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dumb Dream #867. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 09:13:22 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor (In response to my description of a dream where Dean Lenort gave me a tour of NASA's bunker) Aaron A. (DoctorAaron@webtv.net) wrote: > > One: That was me pushing the invisible buttons in the s00p3r-s3kr1t > teller window. Oh, great. Now NASA is hiring WebTV owners. I can see it now: The Space Shuttle's control yoke is gonna be ripped out and replaced with a N64 Rumble Pack. The Rumble Pack is the pinnacle of modern dumb technology. To be followed by the Bumble Pack (which similates being stung be bees when you lose) and, of course, the ultimate, some sort of handheld device which actually kills you when you die. Unless of coure you wake up before it's invented. START PINCHING YOURSELF!!! > That is the button that makes water flow downhill > instead of up. But it's kind of like degaussing; if you don't do it > often enough, it'll undo itself. And if you try to undo it that just makes it worse. You know, it's like trying to move a single point in a TrueType "O". > Two: Kill the Boy Scouts. Especially the ones who own WebTVs. And who own the WebTV Scumble pack. ("scumble", by the way, is an art-teacher word meaning "get all kinds of gooky paint on your brush and then spaz it around a bit to make stuff that looks realistically like mud with polka dots.") > Three: Do I really WANT to hear about your special Popsicle Muscle? > The one in that place that your bathing suit covers? I just like how when Michael York argues with the deformed rainbow holograms of his own head, all the vowels on the computer screen explode (LISSAJOUS- SHAPED EXPLOSION COURTESY LASERIUM) and the consonants. Then all the guys in old hockey masks and leotards levitate into the air on thick fat glowing wires, and there's a sign below that says "BALL OF ULTIMATE MYSTERY -- SCIENTISTS ARE BAFFLED AS TO WHY THIS BALL IS HERE, AND IS IN THE AIR!!!" and then Kibo walks past and yells, "I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!" and Walter Koenig yells, "VI MIST GIH BIK TI THI MIN!" and the aliens steal Skylab because they can build interstellar spaceships but don't have anything that can fly to the asteroid Orpheus on a whim and in any case only Skylab can fit the aliens inside because they are in 1/5 scale just like regular astronauts but their 1.5 scale is bigger. Then the machine goes "CLANG!!!" as Ray Eames proves that 9 x 9 x 9 equals 725, and Matt McIrvin HAS JUST MISSED HIS CUE!!!! -- K. Then there's a footnote at the bottom about how since the big exhibit about how nobody will ever solve the four-color problem was installed, someone solved the problem so it invalidated the whole exhibit, which is why they put the footnote in such tiny print. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: argh! can't talk! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Sat, 27 Feb 1999 07:43:13 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I'm really nervous about something irrational. Look, using the pink shampoo does NOT make you gay. At least if all you do is put it on your hair. > But if I talk about it here you'll all make fun of it. No, we'll make fun of YOU. There's a big difference between laughing with you and laughing at you and laughing at your stupid problem! > So screw you guys. I'm sorry, I don't use the pink shampoo. Try screwing that guy from "The Kids In The Hall". I'm pretty sure he's pretty gay. I mean, did you see him wearing that dress on "NewsRadio"? -- K. HAW HAW NICK BENSEMA HAS A SECRET PROBLEM THAT MUST BE REAL GROSS!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: argh! can't talk! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Sat, 27 Feb 1999 08:04:11 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I'm really nervous about something irrational. David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: < < Well, I'm sidetracked, wondering what would qualify as an "irrational" < fear. For a kibologist. Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I think it was David Delaney who first alluded to it and I who > brought it out in the open. Keep in mind that he's the Internet's leading expert on wackos! > I don't think he was referring to my > fear of hotel air conditioning. What is the deal with hotel air > conditioning? It has two settings: blizzard and off. And they're > so loud. What's up with that? Who are the ad wizards who came up > with this one? It'll keep me awake all night, and in the morning > my chocoleet that I didn't see on the pillow will have melted and > I'll think "OH NOOOO! I POOPED THE BED!!! OUT OF MY EAR!!!" And then you didn't see the giant marshmallow on your pillow and when you woke up, YOUR SHOES WERE ON!!!! > Anyway, I just don't want people to watch my trip to Seattle the > way they watched Friends during every sweeps period or season finale > to see if Rachel and Ross would finally get together. THIS IS NOT > A SITCOM. Yeah, because sitcoms ain't funny. HAW HAW HAW!!! > What you should watch for in Seattle is whether any of my Usenet > personality, which has put me in more than one auto-select file > through the years, carries into real life. So this means that if I mean you in real life, a rectangular area of the air around you is going to turn light blue and the temperature is going to go up 3900 degrees? And your elevator will always go to the top of the building? And all your threads will auto-expand, leading to you wearing baggy clown pants and giant clown ties? When I first typed that, it came out as "babbgy glown pants". You can have this meme to use on the plane, Nick! Be sure to sneak it through the A & S Magnascanner(tm) brand memal detector. Anyway, Nick, if you score while you're in my scorefile, please clean up afterwards. Don't make a mess all over the names immediately below yours. (You happen to be right between Mark Hill and Pope Emperor FrogMaN in the Blue Zone.)* -- K. Have you considered calling that MTV show where they talk about sex? You know, the one where Mike Judge does all the voices? * Note that, because I love PostScript more than life itself, if you're in the Blue Zone and you score less than 10 points, you become invisible! Matt McIrvin will explain that joke in terms of Bezier splines. ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY : A SITCOM SECRETLY BASED ON Y-O-UUU!!! Then he'll go from "Bezier" to "bezoar", and then he'll say "bolus", and then he'll say the sitcom of your life needs a chimp. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: argh! can't talk! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 06:51:37 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > What you should watch for in Seattle is whether any of my Usenet > > personality, which has put me in more than one auto-select file > > through the years, carries into real life. > > This is what people always watch for in this kind of meeting. > > I find that most a.r.k people basically have the same personality in real > life as on Usenet, only a little mellower and with the sharp corners > rounded off. > > Except Kibo. He is EXACTLY THE SAME in person as on a.r.k. And don't forget BIFF. Whenever I meet him he's also EXACTLY THE SAME AS ME, even though he's not me and he's also nothing like him. NOBODY IS LIKE BIFF!!! Except for me. And I don't count because I'm NOT BIFF!!!! -- YOUR PAL, NOT BIFF!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: argh! can't talk! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Sat, 27 Feb 1999 07:52:38 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'm responding to Nick Bensema's thread! It's his thread and he can cry if he wants to! Cry if he wants to! Cry if he wants to! Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > > > The only thing worse than having a dinner party in > > > my honor is having a tiny dinner party in my honor. > > > > Okay, Oscar Wilde .... the dinner party is NO LONGER in honor of you. > > It is now in honor of this speck of rice I found under my chair! > > YAY! > > You don't keep a very clean house, do you, Mrs. Verre? The first time I read that it said that you said she lived in a big clown house. I like that idea better, especially if the house has rainbow suspenders and polka-dotted windows. Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > Okay, so there's this porn "actor" by the name of "Wilde Oscar". But -- > > get this -- he's a STRAIGHT PORN GUY. As in "not gay". > > Proof that porn stars can't read. So in the same way hack stand-up > comedians can make fun of the Amish on TV, we can make fun of porn > stars on the Internet. YAY! But... then... when can we make fun of the way all convenience stores are run by Iraqis with bath towels on their heads, or the way all white people have no butts? When do we get to go on stage and bellow, "Here's how to speak Spanish, just go running around yelling 'MIRA-MIRA-MIRA-MIRA-MIRA!!!!" Come on, folks, we have to find more ways to hide the lame standup comedy routines from the people they would offend, especially since the ones I just mentioned offend everyone in the world. TAKE 'EM AWAY!!! I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I don't like standup comedy because JOKES ARE NOT FUNNY. Humor is funny. But straight-line-punch-line bada-bing-bada-boom rim-shot, what Jay Leno does, what Bob Hope does, is not humor. It's a line of filler and a line of reinforcement of preconceptions, and this formula NEEDS TO HAVE A COW DROPPED ON IT! Let's turn over a new leaf and ELIMINATE ALL STANDUP COMEDY NOW for the betterment of our civilization's Humor Quotient! -- K. I'm just jealous that I didn't get that really easy job writing "jokes" for Letterman. "Filler filler filler filler pause CAB DRIVERS ALL SMELL FUNNY 'CAUSE THEY SPEAK ARABIC!!! Also, Richard Simmons and Tony Randall are gay!!!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.philosophy.misc,sci.logic,sci.math,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: P-adic solution to all unsolved Number theory conjectures Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 08:59:19 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In talk.philosophy.misc, sci.logic, and sci.math, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > I simply have not had the time to look into mathematics in the last > several years. At last, Archie advances a theory which nobody on the Internet will refute. -- K. Poor Spot! Due to a typo on Archie's new business card, Archie was now a Spotwasher! "Waah!" cried Spot as an insane guy loaded him into a dishwasher. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: My Reality Is Shattered Like A Stick of Bubble Gum From Inside A Japanese Model Kit That Sat In Ming's Chinese Super Market For A Thousand Years. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 06:59:51 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'm watching one of the very first episodes of "Happy Days". The one where Ritchie becomes a popular guy because he has a paperback Mickey Spillane novel, and he gets his first real date, so Potsie shows him how to unhook a bra by putting it on the radiator in the men's room in Arnold's, and then Fonzie comes in in his beige cotton-poly blend windbreaker and Potsie leaves in embarassment, and as the camera pulls back to show Potsie walking out of the men's room, we see that the floor has actor's marks all over it, black eletrical tape in little "T"s and "L"s. I THINK THIS MEANS THAT MAYBE HENRY WINKLER WAS ONLY PRETENDING TO BE COOL!!! NOW I HAVE TO RETROACTIVELY REFUSE THAT HUG HE GAVE ALL HIS FANS, INCLUDING ME!!! I AM PUTTING HIS HUG IN AN ENVELOPE AND MAILING IT TO SOMEONE I DON'T LIKE!!! AND I'M USING ONE OF THOSE TEAR-PROOF TYVEK ENVELOPES THAT'S REALLY HARD TO OPEN JUST SO THAT WHEN THEY FINALLY GET IT OPEN THEY'LL BE EVEN MORE DISAPPOINTED!!! IN FACT I'M SO MAD RIGHT NOW THAT I'M GONNA MAIL FONZIE'S VIRTUAL HUG TO SOMEONE WHO'S ALREADY DISAPPOINTED JUST TO MAKE THEM R E A L L Y DISPPOINTED!!! ALSO THIS IS IN ALL CAPS TO SHOW I'M NOT KIDDING!!!! -- K. Also this Potsie-tastic episode was co-written by Meathead. Stay tuned for the spinoff, "MEATHEAD LOVES POTSIE!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The horror! The horror! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 07:11:31 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, so I was composing this long serious E-mail message about something really important, and I was thinking faster than I could type so I was leaving a bunch of sentence-fragment notes to myself that I would later go back and turn into paragraphs and pages, but then I accidentally hit the "send" button and sent the unfinished fragmentary message and immediately realized that I would look like El Gran Bozo Del Oca. But fortunately then I woke up and it was only Dumb Dream #868. And I checked and my computer was turned off so I know the message couldn't have gone out even if I was really typing it while I was asleep, unless I had turned my computer on and off in my sleep, but that's a STUPID idea so I knew I was okay. But then I realized that someday, scientists, perhaps even non-mad ones, will invent a little gadget that plugs into your brain behind your left ear and lets you send E-mail directly from your brain just by thinking about it. I made myself a mental note not to allow that to happen in my lifetime because then I'd embarass myself on the Internet in my sleep, while dreaming people were laughing at my because I was wearing my pajamas, which I would in reality actually be wearing in the privacy of my own bed. So I am glad that we can probably prevent this invention from being invented by any sane scientists for at least the next 100 years. ...but, then I realized that about 500 to 1000 years from now someone will invent a time machine, then the next year someone will glue cheap mass-produced time machines to every household device, including the thing that lets your brain send E-mail while you're asleep, and so my embarassing imaginary E-mail will indeed get posted last night after someone invents time machines a thousand years from now. You know this will happen because time is infinite and therefore everything that CAN be invented MUST be invented, both because of the mathematically long and tedious nature of infinity, and because people will want to keep getting their names added to the infinitely long list of Nobel Prize winners. And worst of all, the guy who glues the time machine to the brain/E-mail interface will also glue a time machine to a television set, and so, in the future, people will be able to look at anyone they want at any time in the past! Millions of people over countless future eons will channel-surf through space-time looking for people picking their noses at home where they think nobody can see them! The only defense we have against peeping toms with time machines is to immediately wrap our homes in aluminum foil, except that that probably won't work either because some guy will travel back to the year aluminum was discovered and kill Dr. Aluminum and all we'll have ever had will have been wax paper, which time scanners can kind of see through. Waxily. -- K. This will have been a true story. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dumb things seen today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 07:30:15 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I saw various dumb signs today and yesterday and I didn't have any batteries that worked in my camera (that's another story) so instead I just had to use my STUPID MEMORY! I hate 'membering stuff. I'd like to get a lobotomy so I wouldn't have to remember things, but I have no memory of ever having had one yet, so I've probably already had one, which disqualifies me! Waah! Anyway, here's the stuff I forced myself to remember against my wishes. 1.) At Micro Center, a sign was advertising their sale price on a "PROFESSIONAL JOYSTICK". Waah! I can't use it because I just have a home computer in my home! 2.) At the Prudential Center, The Body Shop (the one with the sign that says "NO ZIT IS TOO BIG") is advertising metallic make-up (ooh, roboty) which comes in "STICKS AND SPARTICLES". (Then Tony Curtis enters, covered with body glitter, and says, "I luff you, Sparticles!") 3.) While visiting two Indian grocery stores and one halal grocery store today, I learned that I can now say "halvah" in three languages: a.) "halvah" -- Supermarket-speak. b.) "halawah" -- Arabic. c.) "burfee" -- Hindi, or possibly another Indian language, they're all practically the same anyway. I mean, Sanskrit is just Japanese with bad kerning. Was it the Family Circus that had a dog named Burfee, or was that the B. Kliban strip where the guy says "The sound of snails eating!"? I need to know this for my term paper which is due in half an hour! HALthanksVAH!!! 4.) At Ming's Chinese Super Market yesterday, my favorite brand of meat-oid compressed vegetable mass substitute (TO LAUGH AT), "FREE MEAT FOODS" (which is very mis-named, as it costs money) had three new products in the vegetarian part of the fish aisle: "Antonio Slice" "Antonio Chunk" and "Antonio Strip" PLEASE PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON, MR. SABATO JUNIOR! THE CALVIN KLEIN UNDERWEAR ADS THAT GOT YOU THE ROLE ON THE SEQUEL TO NBC'S "seaQuest DSV", NBC'S "EARTH 2", WERE YEARS AGO, AND NOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EVER BE ON ANY TV SCREENS EVER AGAIN!!! 5.) Also Radio Shack is still staffed entirely by people too dumb to work at Micro Center and too ugly to work at Trader Joe's. -- K. Also, at KFC they're no longer "The Colonel's Crispy Strips", they're "Colonel's Strips". OH NO, SOYLENT EXTRA CRISPY IS PEOPLE! IT'S PEOPLE! Wait, it's okay, it's just Colonel Antonio Sabato Jr. So do not eat it, but let them keep selling it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dumb things seen today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 06:43:26 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Beable Van Polasm (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > At Micro Center, a sign was advertising their sale price on a > > "PROFESSIONAL JOYSTICK". > > I saw a joystick down at the computer shop. It was a > "3D Joystick For 3D Games!". Which is LUCKY because > if it was a 2D joystick, it would probably CUT YOUR > [beep] HANDS OFF! And then where would Nick be? Could be worse. Could be one of those "force feedback" joysticks that ties you down and makes you fill out an opinion survey form whenever you use it. Coming soon, the "force feeding" joystick. I can't wait 'til Microbe Center starts selling personal time machines. They'll have signs like "DELUXE PROFESSIONAL TIME MACHINE WITH DOUBLE TURBO!" and "TIME MACHINE WITH NINETIES COLORS FOR WINDOWS 97!" Meanwhile, the Starbucks down the street from Microbe Center has a sign on the door warning me that their safe is protected by a TIME CONTROL DEVICE. Throw it into the volcano to make the film slow down, Bionic Bigfoot! > Of course I am worried about the 3D games. Won't the > polygons poke through the glass of the monitor? And > then if the glass breaks, ALL THE VACUUM WILL EXCAPE! I got the latest Lab Safety Supply catalog today -- 1600 pages of equipment for dealing with toxic substances (such as the stuff sold at Trader Joe's.) I noted that they are now selling spray cans filled with vacuum. Apparently they make it easier to take air samples. The fact that they're ordinary shaving-cream cans leads to all sorts of practical-joke possibilities... Like, you could stick an "EDGE GEL" wrapper on one and wait for some guy to GET HIS JAW TORN OFF!!! I like Lab Safety Supply. I have such trouble buying Tyvek pants locally. -- K. Also they have more kinds of "DANGER: RADIATION" stickers than ever, which proves that things are more radioactive than they used to be. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,misc.legal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: VSI Digital Timestamp Master Hash at 1999.02.28 15:00:16 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 07:48:12 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.i.am.a.bozo.who.doesnt.read.headers.before.posting.followups In misc.legal, misc.test, and can.test, in article <95E17BD9A0DB52BDBCDB6EFF1B3012C59A26CD660C0400001A000000@dts.vansys.com>, (HEY LEE BUMGARNER, RUN OVER TO MISC.LEGAL AND SUE THE GUY WHO STOLE THAT MESSAGE-ID YOUR FAMILY'S BEEN KNITTING FOR GENERATIONS!) "Vandenberg Systems" (dts@vansys.com) wrote: > > VSI Digital Timestamp Master Hash at 1999.02.28 15:00:16 ...they did the Hash... the Master Hash! Oh, great, now Bobby "Boris" Pickett is going to show up with rubber spiders all over his lab coat and enjoy himself while sitting next to Walter Koenig who is pissed off that I'm paying more attention to Dr. Smith from "Lost In Space" who isn't nearly as short as he is and doesn't have that guy following him around squealing "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH CHEKOV!" Also, Bobby "Boris" Pickett made a valuable contribution to the world of art technology when he invented the idea of selling people pieces of plastic with oval holes in them so they could draw ellipses freehand instead of with a compass. > This is the Master Hash as of 1999.02.28 15:00:16 for the > Digital Timestamping system at Vandenberg Systems. Isn't Vandenberg where the sepcail secret military Space Shuttle 2000 is kept? The one where the crew consists entirely of Bruce Willis, Jane Badler, Karl Malden, and Kate Capshaw? > Version 1: > Sequence:16547 > Value:leF72aDbUr28227/GzASxZomzWYfQYtP7UtGn3zood9lTBPs > File Name:leF72aDbUr28227/GzASxZomzWYMBAAAGgAAAA HAW HAW YOUR FILE NAME SOUNDS LIKE IT JUST FELL OUT A WINDOW!!! "WYMBAAAAGgAAAA*splat*" WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT "HASH"? HAW HAW HAW!!! Also, your filename's not eight-dot-three compliant. Therefore, I bet it's also not Y-dot-K compliant. You're welcome to use my suggestion in future revisions. HAVE A HAPPY Y-2-DOT-COM!!!! > This is being posted automatically to make the time stamping protocol > impossible to break. By publishing a 'widely-witnessed' hash of the > previous timestamps, it 'locks' the timestamp history up to the time > that the publication occurs. Wouldn't it be easier to make it impossible to crack the code by NEVER publishing it, EVER? Plus I think misc.legal would prefer it that way. > Web page: http://www.vansys.com/timestamp/ > Posted hashes list: http://www.vansys.com/timestamp/posted_hashes.html > > Every attempt is being made to limit the number of Usenet postings, Please stop trying to limit the number of other people's Usenet postings by pumping out all this hash shash. > as well as to locate appropriate newsgroups in which to post this > information. Yeah, there MUST be some discussion group where automatically-generated random strings of vowels and consonants are welcome. Have you tried alt.online-service.webtv? Just put ... around it and it'll fit right in. > Other uses: > No restrictions are placed on the use of this message, HAW HAW I JUST PRINTED OUT A THOUSAND COPIES OF YOUR MESSAGE AND WIPED MY BUTT WITH EACH OF THEM! IN AN UNPREDICTABLE ORDER WHICH I WILL NOW POST A LIST OF HERE TO MAKE IT HARDER FOR PEOPLE TO REVERSE-ENGINEER MY BUTT!!! > or the data contained within it. Also, the MASSIVE INTELLECTUAL CONTENT of my article is hereby humbly offered as a gift to Mankind. > You may feel free to use it as a source of > interval data for your own timestamping applications. However, note > that Vandenberg Systems disclaims any and all warranties and > conditions regarding this data. So, you're disclaiming that you have a disclaimer, therefore, we're legally required to ignore your disclaimer and treat your message badly. I'm gonna make a million dollars showing your message on Nickelodeon and there's not a darn thing you can do about it! > Comments, suggestions, and complaints to: dts@vansys.com Hey, you left out "compliments" just in case I want to tell you how much I enjoyed seeing your random string of letters and numbers in random places. -- K. P.S. Manley Hubbell does this better than you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: VSI Digital Timestamp Master Hash at 1999.02.28 15:00:16 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 07:21:37 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Isn't Vandenberg where the sepcail secret military Space Shuttle 2000 > ^^^^^^^ > > Kibo: your left hand is 60 msec ahead of your right hand. uk ou... fc y!!!!!!!!! > This is why you should never face north or south while > typing. Always align your computer desk east or west-- the > coriolis effect is negligible. But what if I'm at the North Pole? Wouldn't the Coriolis force be infinite because it would get confused that south and southwest are exactly the same even though neither of them points anyplace in particular? Also, I like giving directions this way: TO GET TO MY HOUSE: Go to the North Pole. Then go directly south. -- b Kio. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: UNBEARABLE PSYCHIC TORTURE!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 07:55:45 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Also, allow me to resume periodic stimulation of one particular cell of your brain that was on the verge of atrophy: I'm watching the "Laverne & Shirley" episode where Lenny and Squiggy set up Laverne on a date with "Terry Joe Buttafuoco". I am not making this up. -- K. IT'S UNBEARABLE IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: What's Wrong With The Internet And How To Fix It. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 09:06:44 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor For dinner tonight I had a box of a Japanese product called "California Cuisine Hashed Beef Brown Sauce Mix", which tasted sort of tomatoey and sort of fruity and sort of tangy and sort of lardy and sort of brown, which I bought solely because the ingredients tantalized me with their silly Japanese interpretation of American interpretations of silly Japanese cuisine: [all spellings are stet as they were originally stetted] INGREDIENTS PORK LARD, BEEF FAT, WHEAT FLOUER, TOMATO, SUGAR, SALT, STARCH, PRUNE, BLUEBERRY, ORANGE, ONION, MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE (FLAVOR ENHANCER), SAUCE DEMI GLACE, CARAMEL COLOR, SPICE, PAPRIKA COLOR, SUCROSE FATTY ACID ESTERS (EMULSIFIER), TOMATO FLAVOR. I like it 'cause it's the only food I've ever had that combines blueberries and onions AND lard. And prunes. Anyway, that brings me to my point -- In the English version of the instructions, on the required-by-import-laws- and=often-conveniently-forgotten sticker, the last sentence of Step 3 said, and this is an exact quote: "Remove scums." I'm thinking Gharlane's little friend who wailed "TOO MAN BAD MANS!" when confronted with a TV show with Bruce Boxleitner and Flounder in it grew up to write stickers for imported Japanese blueberry-flavored California-style beef sauce bricks. So I want you all to go to your window, go over to your window, and open it, and stick your head out, stick your head out of that window, and yell, yell at the top of our lungs, "REMOVE SCUMS!" Just don't let me be in a bad musical remake of "Lost Horizon" with Sally Kellerman at the same time I'm up for a posthumous Oscar. Incidentally, speaking of weeeeird food, I'm working on a major enema-style overhaul of my "disgusting food I've eaten or at least tried to eat" section of my Web site, as this should suggest. Once I decide which caption to use for the most terrifying item in my most recent pile of acquisitions: wacky caption #1: "What, you think that when the pet store goes out of business they just release 'em into the river?" wacky caption #2: "Brings new meaning to the old joke: 'He said it wasn't cruelty to animals as he never had the blender set above "mix".'" wacky caption #3: "I knew it would taste good 'cause it says 'gourmay' and it looks just like delicious halvah!" wacky caption #4: "Aw, how cute, they're still kissing each other. Well, if having their molecules all mixed together counts as intimate contact." wacky caption #5: "I'm just happy that now I can say I have a big bowl of tropical fish, although I'm not sure how many there are in there 'cause they ain't quite solid." wacky caption #6: Anything involving a legitimate use of the word 'blennioid'. No, you don't get to vote on which of the six I'm going to use unless you come over here and eat a spoonful of cute little tropical fish-flavored sludge. Yes, I have a jar of CREAM STYLE GOURAMIS with a label showing a cute little inch-long black tetra gourami that was voted the Fish Least Likely To Die On The Way Home From Woolworth Unless Some Thai Guy Purees It. Because the fish on the label is black on the outside, it must be white on the inside, because they're a nice even shade of gray after being pureed. Anyway, you'll be able to find out how it tastes once I update my Web site, which may be quite a while as first I'll have to work up the nerve to break the safety seal on this jar. While wearing my hazmat suit. -- K. SOYLENT SIAMESE FIGHTING FISH IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE! IT'S PEOPLE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Something you never think about. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 09:37:32 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Here's something I know about that YOU don't. Self-adhesive bandages (you know, exactly like Band-Aids(R) only they don't say "Band-Aids(R)") are available in bright blue, with hidden strips of metal inside. Why? Let's say that you're running a factory where underpaid people are showing fried chicken parts into TV dinner boxes all day. If one of them gets a boo-boo when one of his fingers is bitten by the big scary machine, and if he has to go to work, the Band-Aid(R)-like adhesive strip just might come off while he's shucking chickens for the rest of the eighteen-hour shift, and you darn well want to catch that used bandage either by spotting its bright blue color or with the metal detector that most boxed foods go past on their way from the sweatshop to your kitchen counter. After all, studies have shown that finding a used Band-Aid in your food is significantly more disgusting than not finding an unused Band-Aid in someone else's food. There. Now you know something that I used to know and you didn't. Now that all you people know this, I can forget it forever! -- K. Also, what sort of industrial machinery would cause the sort of wounds that require the package of fifty bandages shaped like three-inch-by- three-inch "X"s? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I am losing my mind part XXXVII Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 07:10:19 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Beable van Polasm (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > So I'm driving down 101 today and I pass a moving van that says > > "Atlas Van Lines" AND HEYYYY, WHY DO THEY CALL THEM MOVING VANS EVEN WHEN THEY'RE STANDING STILL? AND WHAT'S WITH MUSHROOMS? THEY'RE NO MUSH AND THEY'RE NOT ROOMS! AND HOW ABOUT AIRLINE FOOD! I SAID, HOW ABOUT AIRLINE FOOD! HELLO? HELLO? DOES ANYONE WANT TO HEAR ME WHINE ABOUT HOW BAD THE AIRLINE FOOD IN FIRST CLASS IS? > > and the first thing that crosses my mind is that > > the truck ought to say "Beable Van Polasm". > > > > This is a True Story and is highly disturbing. > > EXXXXXCELLENNNNT!!!1! So the mind control lasers are WORKING! > Did you see me cruising along above you in my black helicopter? > I waved to you! Oh SORRY! I erased all memories of the black > helicopters from your mind! Just forget that I said anything > about it. I've already forgotten about the part where you promised to give me $1000 if Lee Bumgarner ever posted to the Internet again, but fortunately you wrote it down here in my handwriting. > cheers > beable van polasm > -- > this article has been cancelled because it reveals the TRUTH > about alien visitors and MIND-CONTROL LASERS! This article hasn't been cancelled because it's better than yours. > -----------== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==---------- > http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own Oh, like DejaNews would let you reveal *truth*. DEJANEWS ONLY LETS YOU LIE! -- K. DejaNews paid me a thousand dollars not to say that. But fortunately I had my fingers crossed so I can still spend it. THANKS in ADVANCE, JANE in DEWS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Wanna Bet? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 07:37:58 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Because icky cigarette smoke from the apartment above tends to come in through the ventilation system when the heat-blower-thing is switched off, and because it's the time of year when you want to switch off the blower but not open the windows, I bought a couple of plants which should hopefully keep the air a little cleaner. Because this is a fairly shady area (duh -- it's Boston) I bought African violets, which can survive without really bright sunlight. Two pots at $1.99 each at the drugstore. So, how many days do you give me before I accidentally kill 'em? The person who guesses the closest wins SOME SOON-TO-BE-DEAD PLANTS!!! -- K. Also this means now I have to roll up the shades every once in a while. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: AP Corrects 60-Minutes Story Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 07:56:55 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > DETROIT (AP) -- In a story March 1 about a follow-up segment on > ``60 Minutes'', The Associated Press erroneously reported that ``60 > Minutes'' correspondent Mike Wallace said at a symposium last week > that he had second thoughts about airing a suicide aided by Dr. > Jack Kevorkian. This is the first time I've ever seen anyone demand a correction for a piece which incorrectly said they were ethical. > Wallace had defended the newsmagazine's story but said it could > have been handled differently. He noted that it had failed to > incorporate the alternatives to assisted suicide for the terminally ill. Like... SUICIDE FOR EVERYONE!!! ALL THE TIME!!! ESPECIALLY TV STARS!!! And speaking of TV stars who aren't dead yet... > LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Phyllis Diller has been fitted with a > pacemaker after a heart attack last month. My god, she's gonna be immortal like the robonic Bob Hope! -- K. Am I the ONLY one who remembers "The Robonic Stooges"? I woulda called them "The Boronic Stooges".