Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dumb Dream #867. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 06:47:56 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, so Dean Lenort is showing me around NASA's headquarters, > > which for some reason has teller windows with thick glass in front > > of the employee cubicles (and they're all pushing unlabelled buttons > > on these giant metal adding machines), and a group of Cub Scouts comes > > in for a tour, and a wall opens up and these guys in gas masks come > > out and kill the Cub Scouts with nerve gas. > > Stuff like that doesn't really happen. Nerve gas is SO 1997. We use > mustard gas these days. Effective and retro all in one! But mustard gas is, like so GAY!!!!! Now, wasabi gas, that has CLASS. > > Does NASA really do this kind of thing, or was it just another stupid dream > > that we can only wish would come true? I mean, roving packs of Cub Scouts > > are a definite nuisance. > > Er, I meant to say no, things like this don't happen at all. So bring > your tired, your hungry, your poor on by for a tour. Be sure to carry > plenty of cash and easily pawnable valuables to maximize your fun! I just like going into pawn shops and saying, "My chess set is missing a piece. Can I buy one of the little people here?" and then I say "DAWW, DAHRRRR, DURHAW..." and scratch my head with my foot, unless the guy holds up Billy Barty, in which case I just pay for him and leave quietly to go make a sequel to "Sigmund & The Sea Monsters". > Johnson Space Center: Over 22 days without a lost Cub Scout incident! Gee, and it's not like NASA could hide the bodies by putting them where only astronauts could ever find them or something. WHY DO YOU THINK THEY DON'T SELL TELESCOPES IN STORES ANY MORE??? -- K. I was going to tell you about my latest dumb dream, but it was so dumb that it deserves an article of its own. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: argh! can't talk! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 06:51:37 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > What you should watch for in Seattle is whether any of my Usenet > > personality, which has put me in more than one auto-select file > > through the years, carries into real life. > > This is what people always watch for in this kind of meeting. > > I find that most a.r.k people basically have the same personality in real > life as on Usenet, only a little mellower and with the sharp corners > rounded off. > > Except Kibo. He is EXACTLY THE SAME in person as on a.r.k. And don't forget BIFF. Whenever I meet him he's also EXACTLY THE SAME AS ME, even though he's not me and he's also nothing like him. NOBODY IS LIKE BIFF!!! Except for me. And I don't count because I'm NOT BIFF!!!! -- YOUR PAL, NOT BIFF!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: My Reality Is Shattered Like A Stick of Bubble Gum From Inside A Japanese Model Kit That Sat In Ming's Chinese Super Market For A Thousand Years. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 06:59:51 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'm watching one of the very first episodes of "Happy Days". The one where Ritchie becomes a popular guy because he has a paperback Mickey Spillane novel, and he gets his first real date, so Potsie shows him how to unhook a bra by putting it on the radiator in the men's room in Arnold's, and then Fonzie comes in in his beige cotton-poly blend windbreaker and Potsie leaves in embarassment, and as the camera pulls back to show Potsie walking out of the men's room, we see that the floor has actor's marks all over it, black eletrical tape in little "T"s and "L"s. I THINK THIS MEANS THAT MAYBE HENRY WINKLER WAS ONLY PRETENDING TO BE COOL!!! NOW I HAVE TO RETROACTIVELY REFUSE THAT HUG HE GAVE ALL HIS FANS, INCLUDING ME!!! I AM PUTTING HIS HUG IN AN ENVELOPE AND MAILING IT TO SOMEONE I DON'T LIKE!!! AND I'M USING ONE OF THOSE TEAR-PROOF TYVEK ENVELOPES THAT'S REALLY HARD TO OPEN JUST SO THAT WHEN THEY FINALLY GET IT OPEN THEY'LL BE EVEN MORE DISAPPOINTED!!! IN FACT I'M SO MAD RIGHT NOW THAT I'M GONNA MAIL FONZIE'S VIRTUAL HUG TO SOMEONE WHO'S ALREADY DISAPPOINTED JUST TO MAKE THEM R E A L L Y DISPPOINTED!!! ALSO THIS IS IN ALL CAPS TO SHOW I'M NOT KIDDING!!!! -- K. Also this Potsie-tastic episode was co-written by Meathead. Stay tuned for the spinoff, "MEATHEAD LOVES POTSIE!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The horror! The horror! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 07:11:31 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, so I was composing this long serious E-mail message about something really important, and I was thinking faster than I could type so I was leaving a bunch of sentence-fragment notes to myself that I would later go back and turn into paragraphs and pages, but then I accidentally hit the "send" button and sent the unfinished fragmentary message and immediately realized that I would look like El Gran Bozo Del Oca. But fortunately then I woke up and it was only Dumb Dream #868. And I checked and my computer was turned off so I know the message couldn't have gone out even if I was really typing it while I was asleep, unless I had turned my computer on and off in my sleep, but that's a STUPID idea so I knew I was okay. But then I realized that someday, scientists, perhaps even non-mad ones, will invent a little gadget that plugs into your brain behind your left ear and lets you send E-mail directly from your brain just by thinking about it. I made myself a mental note not to allow that to happen in my lifetime because then I'd embarass myself on the Internet in my sleep, while dreaming people were laughing at my because I was wearing my pajamas, which I would in reality actually be wearing in the privacy of my own bed. So I am glad that we can probably prevent this invention from being invented by any sane scientists for at least the next 100 years. ...but, then I realized that about 500 to 1000 years from now someone will invent a time machine, then the next year someone will glue cheap mass-produced time machines to every household device, including the thing that lets your brain send E-mail while you're asleep, and so my embarassing imaginary E-mail will indeed get posted last night after someone invents time machines a thousand years from now. You know this will happen because time is infinite and therefore everything that CAN be invented MUST be invented, both because of the mathematically long and tedious nature of infinity, and because people will want to keep getting their names added to the infinitely long list of Nobel Prize winners. And worst of all, the guy who glues the time machine to the brain/E-mail interface will also glue a time machine to a television set, and so, in the future, people will be able to look at anyone they want at any time in the past! Millions of people over countless future eons will channel-surf through space-time looking for people picking their noses at home where they think nobody can see them! The only defense we have against peeping toms with time machines is to immediately wrap our homes in aluminum foil, except that that probably won't work either because some guy will travel back to the year aluminum was discovered and kill Dr. Aluminum and all we'll have ever had will have been wax paper, which time scanners can kind of see through. Waxily. -- K. This will have been a true story. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dumb things seen today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 07:30:15 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I saw various dumb signs today and yesterday and I didn't have any batteries that worked in my camera (that's another story) so instead I just had to use my STUPID MEMORY! I hate 'membering stuff. I'd like to get a lobotomy so I wouldn't have to remember things, but I have no memory of ever having had one yet, so I've probably already had one, which disqualifies me! Waah! Anyway, here's the stuff I forced myself to remember against my wishes. 1.) At Micro Center, a sign was advertising their sale price on a "PROFESSIONAL JOYSTICK". Waah! I can't use it because I just have a home computer in my home! 2.) At the Prudential Center, The Body Shop (the one with the sign that says "NO ZIT IS TOO BIG") is advertising metallic make-up (ooh, roboty) which comes in "STICKS AND SPARTICLES". (Then Tony Curtis enters, covered with body glitter, and says, "I luff you, Sparticles!") 3.) While visiting two Indian grocery stores and one halal grocery store today, I learned that I can now say "halvah" in three languages: a.) "halvah" -- Supermarket-speak. b.) "halawah" -- Arabic. c.) "burfee" -- Hindi, or possibly another Indian language, they're all practically the same anyway. I mean, Sanskrit is just Japanese with bad kerning. Was it the Family Circus that had a dog named Burfee, or was that the B. Kliban strip where the guy says "The sound of snails eating!"? I need to know this for my term paper which is due in half an hour! HALthanksVAH!!! 4.) At Ming's Chinese Super Market yesterday, my favorite brand of meat-oid compressed vegetable mass substitute (TO LAUGH AT), "FREE MEAT FOODS" (which is very mis-named, as it costs money) had three new products in the vegetarian part of the fish aisle: "Antonio Slice" "Antonio Chunk" and "Antonio Strip" PLEASE PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON, MR. SABATO JUNIOR! THE CALVIN KLEIN UNDERWEAR ADS THAT GOT YOU THE ROLE ON THE SEQUEL TO NBC'S "seaQuest DSV", NBC'S "EARTH 2", WERE YEARS AGO, AND NOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EVER BE ON ANY TV SCREENS EVER AGAIN!!! 5.) Also Radio Shack is still staffed entirely by people too dumb to work at Micro Center and too ugly to work at Trader Joe's. -- K. Also, at KFC they're no longer "The Colonel's Crispy Strips", they're "Colonel's Strips". OH NO, SOYLENT EXTRA CRISPY IS PEOPLE! IT'S PEOPLE! Wait, it's okay, it's just Colonel Antonio Sabato Jr. So do not eat it, but let them keep selling it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dumb things seen today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 09:27:44 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [...CONTEXT ACCIDENTALLY REMOVED ON PURPOSE...] The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > That's pretty much it, in a nutshell. > Matt McIrvin will now impersonate Michael Meyers impersonating Austin > Powers impersonating a mime stuck in a nutshell, while singing a medley of > Leslie Neilsen tunes. Ha! Suuuuure he will. It's not like he'll have an old William Shatner mask lying around that will just happen to fit his head. -- K. Without making him look like a BOZO. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dumb things seen today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 06:43:26 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Beable Van Polasm (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > At Micro Center, a sign was advertising their sale price on a > > "PROFESSIONAL JOYSTICK". > > I saw a joystick down at the computer shop. It was a > "3D Joystick For 3D Games!". Which is LUCKY because > if it was a 2D joystick, it would probably CUT YOUR > [beep] HANDS OFF! And then where would Nick be? Could be worse. Could be one of those "force feedback" joysticks that ties you down and makes you fill out an opinion survey form whenever you use it. Coming soon, the "force feeding" joystick. I can't wait 'til Microbe Center starts selling personal time machines. They'll have signs like "DELUXE PROFESSIONAL TIME MACHINE WITH DOUBLE TURBO!" and "TIME MACHINE WITH NINETIES COLORS FOR WINDOWS 97!" Meanwhile, the Starbucks down the street from Microbe Center has a sign on the door warning me that their safe is protected by a TIME CONTROL DEVICE. Throw it into the volcano to make the film slow down, Bionic Bigfoot! > Of course I am worried about the 3D games. Won't the > polygons poke through the glass of the monitor? And > then if the glass breaks, ALL THE VACUUM WILL EXCAPE! I got the latest Lab Safety Supply catalog today -- 1600 pages of equipment for dealing with toxic substances (such as the stuff sold at Trader Joe's.) I noted that they are now selling spray cans filled with vacuum. Apparently they make it easier to take air samples. The fact that they're ordinary shaving-cream cans leads to all sorts of practical-joke possibilities... Like, you could stick an "EDGE GEL" wrapper on one and wait for some guy to GET HIS JAW TORN OFF!!! I like Lab Safety Supply. I have such trouble buying Tyvek pants locally. -- K. Also they have more kinds of "DANGER: RADIATION" stickers than ever, which proves that things are more radioactive than they used to be. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,misc.legal From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: VSI Digital Timestamp Master Hash at 1999.02.28 15:00:16 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 07:48:12 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.i.am.a.bozo.who.doesnt.read.headers.before.posting.followups In misc.legal, misc.test, and can.test, in article <95E17BD9A0DB52BDBCDB6EFF1B3012C59A26CD660C0400001A000000@dts.vansys.com>, (HEY LEE BUMGARNER, RUN OVER TO MISC.LEGAL AND SUE THE GUY WHO STOLE THAT MESSAGE-ID YOUR FAMILY'S BEEN KNITTING FOR GENERATIONS!) "Vandenberg Systems" (dts@vansys.com) wrote: > > VSI Digital Timestamp Master Hash at 1999.02.28 15:00:16 ...they did the Hash... the Master Hash! Oh, great, now Bobby "Boris" Pickett is going to show up with rubber spiders all over his lab coat and enjoy himself while sitting next to Walter Koenig who is pissed off that I'm paying more attention to Dr. Smith from "Lost In Space" who isn't nearly as short as he is and doesn't have that guy following him around squealing "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH CHEKOV!" Also, Bobby "Boris" Pickett made a valuable contribution to the world of art technology when he invented the idea of selling people pieces of plastic with oval holes in them so they could draw ellipses freehand instead of with a compass. > This is the Master Hash as of 1999.02.28 15:00:16 for the > Digital Timestamping system at Vandenberg Systems. Isn't Vandenberg where the sepcail secret military Space Shuttle 2000 is kept? The one where the crew consists entirely of Bruce Willis, Jane Badler, Karl Malden, and Kate Capshaw? > Version 1: > Sequence:16547 > Value:leF72aDbUr28227/GzASxZomzWYfQYtP7UtGn3zood9lTBPs > File Name:leF72aDbUr28227/GzASxZomzWYMBAAAGgAAAA HAW HAW YOUR FILE NAME SOUNDS LIKE IT JUST FELL OUT A WINDOW!!! "WYMBAAAAGgAAAA*splat*" WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT "HASH"? HAW HAW HAW!!! Also, your filename's not eight-dot-three compliant. Therefore, I bet it's also not Y-dot-K compliant. You're welcome to use my suggestion in future revisions. HAVE A HAPPY Y-2-DOT-COM!!!! > This is being posted automatically to make the time stamping protocol > impossible to break. By publishing a 'widely-witnessed' hash of the > previous timestamps, it 'locks' the timestamp history up to the time > that the publication occurs. Wouldn't it be easier to make it impossible to crack the code by NEVER publishing it, EVER? Plus I think misc.legal would prefer it that way. > Web page: http://www.vansys.com/timestamp/ > Posted hashes list: http://www.vansys.com/timestamp/posted_hashes.html > > Every attempt is being made to limit the number of Usenet postings, Please stop trying to limit the number of other people's Usenet postings by pumping out all this hash shash. > as well as to locate appropriate newsgroups in which to post this > information. Yeah, there MUST be some discussion group where automatically-generated random strings of vowels and consonants are welcome. Have you tried alt.online-service.webtv? Just put ... around it and it'll fit right in. > Other uses: > No restrictions are placed on the use of this message, HAW HAW I JUST PRINTED OUT A THOUSAND COPIES OF YOUR MESSAGE AND WIPED MY BUTT WITH EACH OF THEM! IN AN UNPREDICTABLE ORDER WHICH I WILL NOW POST A LIST OF HERE TO MAKE IT HARDER FOR PEOPLE TO REVERSE-ENGINEER MY BUTT!!! > or the data contained within it. Also, the MASSIVE INTELLECTUAL CONTENT of my article is hereby humbly offered as a gift to Mankind. > You may feel free to use it as a source of > interval data for your own timestamping applications. However, note > that Vandenberg Systems disclaims any and all warranties and > conditions regarding this data. So, you're disclaiming that you have a disclaimer, therefore, we're legally required to ignore your disclaimer and treat your message badly. I'm gonna make a million dollars showing your message on Nickelodeon and there's not a darn thing you can do about it! > Comments, suggestions, and complaints to: dts@vansys.com Hey, you left out "compliments" just in case I want to tell you how much I enjoyed seeing your random string of letters and numbers in random places. -- K. P.S. Manley Hubbell does this better than you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: VSI Digital Timestamp Master Hash at 1999.02.28 15:00:16 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 07:21:37 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Isn't Vandenberg where the sepcail secret military Space Shuttle 2000 > ^^^^^^^ > > Kibo: your left hand is 60 msec ahead of your right hand. uk ou... fc y!!!!!!!!! > This is why you should never face north or south while > typing. Always align your computer desk east or west-- the > coriolis effect is negligible. But what if I'm at the North Pole? Wouldn't the Coriolis force be infinite because it would get confused that south and southwest are exactly the same even though neither of them points anyplace in particular? Also, I like giving directions this way: TO GET TO MY HOUSE: Go to the North Pole. Then go directly south. -- b Kio. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: UNBEARABLE PSYCHIC TORTURE!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 07:55:45 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Also, allow me to resume periodic stimulation of one particular cell of your brain that was on the verge of atrophy: I'm watching the "Laverne & Shirley" episode where Lenny and Squiggy set up Laverne on a date with "Terry Joe Buttafuoco". I am not making this up. -- K. IT'S UNBEARABLE IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: What's Wrong With The Internet And How To Fix It. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1999 09:06:44 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor For dinner tonight I had a box of a Japanese product called "California Cuisine Hashed Beef Brown Sauce Mix", which tasted sort of tomatoey and sort of fruity and sort of tangy and sort of lardy and sort of brown, which I bought solely because the ingredients tantalized me with their silly Japanese interpretation of American interpretations of silly Japanese cuisine: [all spellings are stet as they were originally stetted] INGREDIENTS PORK LARD, BEEF FAT, WHEAT FLOUER, TOMATO, SUGAR, SALT, STARCH, PRUNE, BLUEBERRY, ORANGE, ONION, MONOSODIUM GLUTAMATE (FLAVOR ENHANCER), SAUCE DEMI GLACE, CARAMEL COLOR, SPICE, PAPRIKA COLOR, SUCROSE FATTY ACID ESTERS (EMULSIFIER), TOMATO FLAVOR. I like it 'cause it's the only food I've ever had that combines blueberries and onions AND lard. And prunes. Anyway, that brings me to my point -- In the English version of the instructions, on the required-by-import-laws- and=often-conveniently-forgotten sticker, the last sentence of Step 3 said, and this is an exact quote: "Remove scums." I'm thinking Gharlane's little friend who wailed "TOO MAN BAD MANS!" when confronted with a TV show with Bruce Boxleitner and Flounder in it grew up to write stickers for imported Japanese blueberry-flavored California-style beef sauce bricks. So I want you all to go to your window, go over to your window, and open it, and stick your head out, stick your head out of that window, and yell, yell at the top of our lungs, "REMOVE SCUMS!" Just don't let me be in a bad musical remake of "Lost Horizon" with Sally Kellerman at the same time I'm up for a posthumous Oscar. Incidentally, speaking of weeeeird food, I'm working on a major enema-style overhaul of my "disgusting food I've eaten or at least tried to eat" section of my Web site, as this should suggest. Once I decide which caption to use for the most terrifying item in my most recent pile of acquisitions: wacky caption #1: "What, you think that when the pet store goes out of business they just release 'em into the river?" wacky caption #2: "Brings new meaning to the old joke: 'He said it wasn't cruelty to animals as he never had the blender set above "mix".'" wacky caption #3: "I knew it would taste good 'cause it says 'gourmay' and it looks just like delicious halvah!" wacky caption #4: "Aw, how cute, they're still kissing each other. Well, if having their molecules all mixed together counts as intimate contact." wacky caption #5: "I'm just happy that now I can say I have a big bowl of tropical fish, although I'm not sure how many there are in there 'cause they ain't quite solid." wacky caption #6: Anything involving a legitimate use of the word 'blennioid'. No, you don't get to vote on which of the six I'm going to use unless you come over here and eat a spoonful of cute little tropical fish-flavored sludge. Yes, I have a jar of CREAM STYLE GOURAMIS with a label showing a cute little inch-long black tetra gourami that was voted the Fish Least Likely To Die On The Way Home From Woolworth Unless Some Thai Guy Purees It. Because the fish on the label is black on the outside, it must be white on the inside, because they're a nice even shade of gray after being pureed. Anyway, you'll be able to find out how it tastes once I update my Web site, which may be quite a while as first I'll have to work up the nerve to break the safety seal on this jar. While wearing my hazmat suit. -- K. SOYLENT SIAMESE FIGHTING FISH IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE! IT'S PEOPLE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Something you never think about. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1999 09:37:32 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Here's something I know about that YOU don't. Self-adhesive bandages (you know, exactly like Band-Aids(R) only they don't say "Band-Aids(R)") are available in bright blue, with hidden strips of metal inside. Why? Let's say that you're running a factory where underpaid people are showing fried chicken parts into TV dinner boxes all day. If one of them gets a boo-boo when one of his fingers is bitten by the big scary machine, and if he has to go to work, the Band-Aid(R)-like adhesive strip just might come off while he's shucking chickens for the rest of the eighteen-hour shift, and you darn well want to catch that used bandage either by spotting its bright blue color or with the metal detector that most boxed foods go past on their way from the sweatshop to your kitchen counter. After all, studies have shown that finding a used Band-Aid in your food is significantly more disgusting than not finding an unused Band-Aid in someone else's food. There. Now you know something that I used to know and you didn't. Now that all you people know this, I can forget it forever! -- K. Also, what sort of industrial machinery would cause the sort of wounds that require the package of fifty bandages shaped like three-inch-by- three-inch "X"s? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I am losing my mind part XXXVII Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 07:10:19 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Beable van Polasm (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > So I'm driving down 101 today and I pass a moving van that says > > "Atlas Van Lines" AND HEYYYY, WHY DO THEY CALL THEM MOVING VANS EVEN WHEN THEY'RE STANDING STILL? AND WHAT'S WITH MUSHROOMS? THEY'RE NO MUSH AND THEY'RE NOT ROOMS! AND HOW ABOUT AIRLINE FOOD! I SAID, HOW ABOUT AIRLINE FOOD! HELLO? HELLO? DOES ANYONE WANT TO HEAR ME WHINE ABOUT HOW BAD THE AIRLINE FOOD IN FIRST CLASS IS? > > and the first thing that crosses my mind is that > > the truck ought to say "Beable Van Polasm". > > > > This is a True Story and is highly disturbing. > > EXXXXXCELLENNNNT!!!1! So the mind control lasers are WORKING! > Did you see me cruising along above you in my black helicopter? > I waved to you! Oh SORRY! I erased all memories of the black > helicopters from your mind! Just forget that I said anything > about it. I've already forgotten about the part where you promised to give me $1000 if Lee Bumgarner ever posted to the Internet again, but fortunately you wrote it down here in my handwriting. > cheers > beable van polasm > -- > this article has been cancelled because it reveals the TRUTH > about alien visitors and MIND-CONTROL LASERS! This article hasn't been cancelled because it's better than yours. > -----------== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==---------- > http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own Oh, like DejaNews would let you reveal *truth*. DEJANEWS ONLY LETS YOU LIE! -- K. DejaNews paid me a thousand dollars not to say that. But fortunately I had my fingers crossed so I can still spend it. THANKS in ADVANCE, JANE in DEWS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I am losing my mind part XXXVII Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 09:41:13 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Clememt Cherlim" (cherlin@psynet.net) wrote: > > Beable von Polasm (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [creamy nougat center of this thread.] > > > > > > [You can't spell NOUGAT unless you have NO UGAT!] > > > > So as my token of APPRECIATION for your CONTINUAL FUNNIEST > > PERSON IN THE WOOOORRRRLLLDDD STATUS, I would like to send > > you ALL MY MONEY AND CANDY, NOW AND FOREVER! Would that be > > OK with you? I'M SENDING IT NOW ANYWAY!! CHECK YOUR LETTER > > BOX! > > But you forget! Kibo doesn't HAVE a letter box! He's sooo far beyond the > puny technology of us puny-type-punics that he has a SENTENCE box! Actually, instead of a mailbox, I have one of those giant spherical birdcages with the big crank in the side so that every morning I can make a big deal out of just picking out one lucky winning letter at random, and then the rest get thrown into the furnace to be recycled into pollution. Of course, because the biggest chunks always float to the top, the one envelope I grab tends to be the thickest item in the bunch. This is good because I enjoy leafing through the Yellow Pages for people's names to make fun of, and the Lab Safety Supply catalog is now around 1600 pages. Unfortunately, not enough of them feature the word "diborane". -- K. /\ /6 \ /\ /\ /6 \/6 \ \ /\ / \/ \/ \:P/ \/ ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Wanna Bet? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 07:37:58 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Because icky cigarette smoke from the apartment above tends to come in through the ventilation system when the heat-blower-thing is switched off, and because it's the time of year when you want to switch off the blower but not open the windows, I bought a couple of plants which should hopefully keep the air a little cleaner. Because this is a fairly shady area (duh -- it's Boston) I bought African violets, which can survive without really bright sunlight. Two pots at $1.99 each at the drugstore. So, how many days do you give me before I accidentally kill 'em? The person who guesses the closest wins SOME SOON-TO-BE-DEAD PLANTS!!! -- K. Also this means now I have to roll up the shades every once in a while. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: AP Corrects 60-Minutes Story Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 07:56:55 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > DETROIT (AP) -- In a story March 1 about a follow-up segment on > ``60 Minutes'', The Associated Press erroneously reported that ``60 > Minutes'' correspondent Mike Wallace said at a symposium last week > that he had second thoughts about airing a suicide aided by Dr. > Jack Kevorkian. This is the first time I've ever seen anyone demand a correction for a piece which incorrectly said they were ethical. > Wallace had defended the newsmagazine's story but said it could > have been handled differently. He noted that it had failed to > incorporate the alternatives to assisted suicide for the terminally ill. Like... SUICIDE FOR EVERYONE!!! ALL THE TIME!!! ESPECIALLY TV STARS!!! And speaking of TV stars who aren't dead yet... > LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Phyllis Diller has been fitted with a > pacemaker after a heart attack last month. My god, she's gonna be immortal like the robonic Bob Hope! -- K. Am I the ONLY one who remembers "The Robonic Stooges"? I woulda called them "The Boronic Stooges". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Shadow, Mark Kramers coolest dog in the world Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 09:35:24 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > [re a cute doggie storie] > > I hereby nominate Cute Doggie Stories as the meme to replace Supermarket > Stories in ARK. But (a) Spot's not cute, he's downright HIDEOUS, even for a puppy, and (b) You cannot replace a meme. It's not dead until it's been beaten to death, and Kibological memes CANNOT be beaten to death any more than you can kill a ghost. and (c) I'd have to change my Web site from having a section about disgusting Chinese grocery store food to having a section about... hey, wait a minute... -- K. While typing this, my VCR crashed! The counter froze at "L:20:56" (whatever that means) and the tape ejected. About 30 seconds before the end of the thing I was recording. At least it wasn't a full lockup -- twice I've had to poke a paper clip into the hole for the secret button that clears the thing's non-volatile RAM. I apologize for owning a VCR that can remember settings even when unplugged, and that can light the entire room with its solid white front panel, but I have to have a good VCR to make the shows I watch tolerable. You gotta see "Space: 1999" with surround sound! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Today's discovery Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 10:57:39 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The things you can learn by doing a little research... The "President" in "President's Choice" is Richard J. Currie, and... "PRESIDENT'S CHOICE" IS MADE BY LOBLAW'S! -- K. Actually it's owned by Weston Limited, the parent corporation of Loblaw's, but that's the same thing. They also own Wonder Bread! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,dartmouth.talk.kiewit,alt.religion.kibology,sci.chem From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: FAILURE OF THE HANOVER INN; Dartmouth; labor relations Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Thu, 4 Mar 1999 11:18:27 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal and dartmouth.talk.kiewit, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I am going to turn this into a Movie. And this will be my first movie filmed in a full TWO dimensions instead of the usual one, which I regret > that I spent any money on. It is based on a lawsuit that occurred in my head. I jammed a camera in there to film my imaginary friends in > New Hampshire, Grafton Superior Court and was dismissed. It is morning in America. Unfortunately, this stupid article is being > archived. And this movie is based upon that case. It cost me around 200 I.Q. points, so I now have an I.Q. of negative 150. My job pays me in chocolate > dollars and so it is the first movie that I actually spent some out of my mind hours gibbering about. Well, okay, it's not the first. I > pocket money to develop. THE END!!! No, wait, there's more. > The title of this movie I have not yet decided upon. The length of it will depend on how many frames of film I can make by taping together slides. It > will be enormous because it is still ongoing and perhaps larger than even my head. Now that's big. And squishy. It's more intensely pointless than > all of my other movies put together. I will change or delete the names "Ludwig Poehlmann", "Ludwig Hansen", "Ludwig von Ludvig", and "Ludwig Plutonium" > of the good people (who I deem as such) but those persons who acted with more talent than me, such as Nicole Kidman and that girl in "Star Wars 1", > with flawed morals, I will use their real names. It is in the public library that I had a romantic tryst with Don Saklad. We shop at Structure and > domain and archived in the court cases. THE END!!! Wait, come back, there's more. > The framework of this movie, I have not yet decided upon. Perhaps I should do so before I film the rest of it. But my sheer stupidity > will make it a comedy. I think I must make it a comedy because a title card saying "WACKY WACKY PHYSICS, BOING!!!" has been printed. But such a > serious movie would not hold the attention of the audience. And I will be that entire audience. Like Shrodinger's Q*Bert, I will > have to jump from issues to different issues to hold the attention. My favorite movie shows a sparkly piece of tinfoil for two hours. > Thus, an one paragraph talk about pay-raises and in the next talk about how the previous scene talked about pay-raises, then talk about the next scene, > Dartmouth guidelines and regulations. THE END!!! Oh, no, it's just a paragraph break. Sorry. We have to keep reading. > And let me state here at the outset. That I filed a lawsuit against the advice of all sane people everywhere made me the laughingstock of > Dartmouth and I work for Dartmouth. And so, many people reading this by mistake are leaving the Internet forever. Even monkeys watching this dumb > movie are going to wonder this: "why has Dartmouth not fired Archimedes Plutonium." This is because a few years ago they secretly fired Ludwig > Plutonium". And the answer is that I have not done anything wrong and I am not a bozo and I am not an "I am not a bozo" bozo and tiny leprechauns > have performed my job with Dartmouth, probably better than anybody else could wield the tiny toothbrush I use to clean the floor while they laugh at me > who has done that job. THE END!!!!! Stop, stop, it's just another paragraph break. We can't stop now. Damn! > But, the best answer to that is really this. That I am a (FILL IN THE BLANK, CHARLES NELSON REILLY!! BRETT SOMERS!! NIPSEY RUSSELL!!) > physics-science genius and if Dartmouth fires me, I will no longer post > to the Internet and probably will move out of the Dartmouth area. So if > Dartmouth fires me for some groundless excuse, they will have fired a > genius, and Dartmouth is concerned about that issue. I'm sorry, I can no longer interpolate my stupid stuff with Archie's stupid stuff because that last paragraph made me giggle so hard that I can't type straight, see? --> /\/\/\/\/ > Having said that, let me begin this movie with yesterdays meeting > with Mr. Roger Brock of the Dartmouth Administration. > > Roger Brock: ... Dartmouth is not obliged to give any of its employees > any pay raise if it chooses not to. Dartmouth violates no laws by not > giving any pay raises. > > Me: ... only if the pay is less then the Federal minimum wages > > Roger Brock: ... yes, but all of Dartmouth wages are far above minimum > wages.. > > Roger Brock: ... [explaining the mechanics of how the Dartmouth pay > raise system works] Ah, I see, you're using the "Star Trek: The Next Generation" scripting model. Whenever you come to anything you don't understand, you just write "Chief Enginer Geordie Brock says: [tech]" and then Rick Sternbach fills in the brackets for you. > Me: Thanks Roger for explaining to me how the pay-raise system of > Dartmouth and in particular, how the Hanover Inn works. Thanks for that > explanation of the mechanics... Someone explained mechanics to Archie? Ha! That's a sort of PHYSICS! I bet fifty Archimedean space dollars that the sound waves went out the other ear at the speed of light. (Archie's brain has weird nonphysical properties. I think his brain may be entirely noetic. As Archimedes Descartes once wrote, "I think I think... I think... um..." and then a Greek soldier killed him after he complained that the soldier's boots were making muddy prints all over his nice clean kitchen floor. > Me: But, now I would like to see the Dartmouth guidance policy and > procedures for the pay raise distribution by its bosses after they > receive their pool. I would like a photocopy of that Guideline. > > Roger Brock: There is no policy, guideline or procedures for pay > raises. > > Me: What? You mean in those millions of dollars of pay raise moneys > divided up each year that there is not a single word of procedure or > policy or guidelines for the thousand bosses that divide up the > millions of dollars to Dartmouth employees? > > Me: Why in the Navy, if there was a "thing of action to do" you can > believe the US Navy would have a written procedure or guideline in how > to do that thing. And for Dartmouth to yearly divide pay raise money > with not a word, not a single word of advice to its many bosses on how > to divide that pay raise amoung its workers? > > Roger Brock: That is correct, Dartmouth has no policy on dividing pay > raise. The Dartmouth pay raise system is called the "Dartmouth Merit > Pay Raise System". > > Me: So, in other words, the entire Dartmouth pay raise system rests > upon the single word of "merit" contained in the title of the pay raise > system. But answer me this please, Roger, what if one boss in a corner > of Dartmouth has a different idea of what the word "merit" means from > someone in another corner of Dartmouth. To one boss of Dartmouth, merit > can mean that he gives the boss an excessive Xmass gift. And another > boss may see more merit in how a person is friendly yet does not > perform the job as well as another who is less friendly but does a > better job. > > [After my meeting with Mr. Brock on 2MAR99, I scheduled an appointment > to meet the new Provost of Dartmouth concerning the issue of > Dartmouth's utter lack of any guidelines for pay raise distribution, an > act that involves millions of dollars, and an act that can strongly > effect the morale of the Dartmouth workforce. To think that the entire > Dartmouth pay raise system is based only on a title and one word in > that title -- merit. I had asked to meet with the new Provost, but it > appears that she will not see me.] So, what will the title of this fascinating six-hour MAJOR MOTION PICTURE be? "Kevin Costner's 'The Dishwasher'"? "Plutonium: A Musical Of Science"? "Dumb, Dumber, And Dishwasher"? "What's Eating Archimedes Plutonium? And What's Boring The Rest Of Us?" -- K. Archie, I *promise* I will see your movie the moment it comes to a theater near me! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.misc,sci.bio.technology,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Deciding experiment of Prusiner's prion disease Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Thu, 4 Mar 1999 11:24:29 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.med, sci.bio.misc, sci.bio.technology, sci.chem, Uncle Al wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium wrote: > > > > [snip] > > Like a monkey throwing feces then smearing his hands on his neighbor > lest the zookeeper confiscate his anus. I will offer Larry Flynt $50 if he will offer $10,000,000 to the first person who produces a photograph of Archimedes Plutonium's anus being confiscated by the Thought Police (Anus Division). -- K. I will double that if they show the photo to everyone on the Internet and then burn it before I see it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Six new necktie knots discovered Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 08:48:24 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In the stream of useful useful news which pours out of The Media(tm), today I snatched at this: > LONDON, March 4 (UPI) -- Two British scientists report they have > discovered six new ways of knotting a necktie, which boosts the choice > to 10. And they're only slightly more pointless, uncomfortable, and blood-supply- to-the-brain-restricting than regular stupid necktie knots. Did you know that some airlines prohibit pilots from wearing neckties? Studies have shown that visual acuity is reduced in people wearing tight neckties, presumably due to reduced cerebral blood flow. (...hmm, Dartmouth must require their dishwashers to wear heat-shrink tubing around their necks.) > Dr. Thomas Fink of the Cavendish Laboratory in Cambridge says he and > a colleague there, Dr. Yong Mao, used highly complex applied mathematics > to the problem, including weighty formulae. These formulae, known as The Dork Equations, also describe such functions as the way your IQ goes up if you wear a baggy, rumpled tweed sweater with patches on the elbows, and why having a beard, a pony tail, and a pot belly makes you either a computer programmer or a Hell's Angel. Or both. > Britain's Daily Telegraph reports today the new ties knots ``could > revolutionize morning routine for thousands as they exercise a new-found > ability to match tie-knots to personalities.'' WHAT YOUR TIE KNOT TYPE SAYS ABOUT YOU four-in-hand bigamist Pratt pratt Windsor you will inherit Buckingham Palace half-Windsor you are either wind or sore hangman's knot you shoulda guessed "T" sooner clip-on sings along with the "clap on, clap off" commercial untied James Bond between the scene where he has sex and the scene where he finds the girl dead big bow tie big bow zo string tie independent Presidential candidate ascot digital TV set owner > Fink told the Telegraph he started his study of necktie knots when > the knot known as the ``Pratt'' was unveiled in America on the front > page of The New York Times in 1989 as the first necktie knot innovation > in 50 years. But which fifty, we're not sure. > And he says, ``Only every now and then does someone discover a new > knot.'' Oh, thank god. Otherwise CNN Headline news would devote half of their broadcast every day to New Necktie Knots, leaving so little time for controlled demolitions, Polar Bear clubs, and stupid people not going around the world in hot-air balloons. > Fink and Mao write in their report in today's issue of the journal > Nature, ``Rather than wait another half-century for the next sartorial > advance, we present a more formal approach.'' > Fink reports that knotting a tie involves three move combinations of > the wider end -- from right to left, from left to right, or ``into the > central V that lies under the chin.'' So, the last one means you tie your necktie to your goatee? > By his reckoning, each move can be accomplished in one of two ways -- > away from the shirt or towards the shirt. GENIUS!!!! > The scientists built up these six moves using every combination, > subject to particular ``practical'' constraints, producing a total of 85 > knots. > But Fink says most did not survive ``aesthetic'' tests. Yeah, people with knotted strips of silk around their necks look so much better depending on the topology of the knot. Have they considered just putting zippers on ties? Or at least just printing the tie on the Velcro closure of the shirt, like Ted Shackelford's blue shirt in "Space Precinct"? > ``Of the 85 knots that can be tied with a conventional tie, we > recover the four knots that are in widespread use and introduce six new > aesthetically pleasing knots,'' they write in Nature. Now that you've recovered them, please lose them again. > The simplest conventional tie knot had its origins in late > nineteenth-century England. The Duke of Windsor is credited with > introducing the Windsor knot, from which its smaller derivative, the > half-Windsor evolved, they write. YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA USE THE HALF-WINDSOR ON ME WELL MY SUPER ATOMIC NUCULAR PILE-DRIVER WILL FINISH YOU, MEAN MUSTARD SHEIK! YOU CLIMB INTO THE HABERDASHERY RING WITH ME AND I'LL TIE YOUR CRAVAT INTO A CHAW-RAW-BEEF KNOT! AAAAHHHHHHRRRRRRRR!!!! (Kibo's veins bulge so much that they pop out of his lungs as his lungs pop out of his mouth. A tiny "USE ONLY PISCOPO BRAND STEROIDS" ad is tattooed on his forehead. Tattooed in BLOOD. Cut to Jim McMahon pretending to wet his pants. It makes a light blue stain on his white slacks because this is TV.) > The Telegraph reports the product manager for Savile Row tailors > Gieves and Hawkes, Charles Lassman, praises the new set of knots known > as the Fink. Hey, the Pink Panther discovered the rare Pinkus Finkus when I was a kid. YOU'RE JUST STEALING SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERIES FROM OLD COMIC BOOKS! AND CONFUSING BUTTERFLIES WITH NECKTIES! > He reportedly said: ``There is a lot of backing to the tie which > makes it stand up. And all these years you just thought Dilbert was happy to see you. > It's as good as the Windsor. I have used the Pratt since it was invented, > but I may well give the Fink a try.'' Just cut back a little on the wonder why! (THIS IS AN ILLUSION TO DR. MATT McIRVIN'S DISCOVERY OF THE RANKIN-BASS KNOT, WHICH CAN ONLY BE TIED IN STOP-MOTION. MUCH LIKE THE WAY THE TRANSFORMERS CAN ONLY TRANSFORM LIKE THAT IN CARTOONS.) -- K. Necktie, schmecktie, when are they going to enumerate the possible design space of French Ticklers? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.economics,alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.james-bond From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Headline. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 09:37:43 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.politics.economics, alt.religion.kibology, and alt.fan.james-bond, Aaron A. (doctoraaron@mindless.com) wrote: > > In my local daily newspaper, aptly titled the Daiy News, the lead article > this morning really caught my eye. It turned out to be some stupid thing > about the City Assembly cutting back on someone's funding, but being the 007 > fan that I am, I was quite shocked to read: > > BOND PACKAGE SHRINKS > > Poor 007! He fell in that really cold river in Moscow, and now all the other > agents are calling him Shrinky-Winky!! Ouchie tchernye! This means that Roger Moore's merkin will no longer fit! Unless plastic shrinks too. Given that his hair (on his head) hasn't moved in about thirty years, I think we can rule out that possibility. The REAL Bond fans will now compare the length and outer and inner diameters of Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Tim Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, and Sir David Niven. And let's throw Roddy McDowell in to sweeten the pot. -- K. P.S. You forgot to post this to sci.econ, Dr. Plutonium. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OH NO! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 09:40:20 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I know you guys think me to be of at least average intelligence, > but you are wrong. Your grammar is questionable. But I agree with the sentiment, we think you're of AT LEAST average intelligence -- most of us think you're of VERY average intelligence. > For when planning this trip for which I leave Friday afternoon, I > did not think to check what kind of climate I would be entering > into. What, you wore your propeller beanie and "seaQuest" T-shirt while walking through the housing projects again? > Seattle is notorious for rain, yes.... I already have packed that > fold-up raincoat I got at Old Navy. I don't know whether it's > fashionable, or even slightly tasteful. Proably not. But at least it's old. And navy. "FORGET BLACK, EVERYTHING NAVY!!!" Sorry, that was a callback to 1991. It used to be a slaughterhouse. A SLAUGHTERHOUSE??? "MOO!" > But a more appropriate way to deal with it is hard to find in Arizona, > especially by someone with no transportation and busy parents. > > Then I noticed, highs will be in the 40's. > > HIGHS. > > Remember what Arizona is notorious for? Being adjacent to New Mexico, the state with the space aliens in Roswell and the space hum in Taos and all the other cool space stuff? You don't have Bedrock Village USA either, do you? > Anyway, it will be anti-Arizona over there, and I know you give me a > lot of credit, but I would think at least one warning would come my > way... WARNING: SEATTLE ISN'T IN ARIZONA, DUH. > And I should have checked earlier; my parents told me to check so I > turned on the Weather Channel, played some Civilization 2 and next > thing you know it's two days later and I haven't taken in the > information I needed still... I think the Weather Channel gives people about as much "information" about the world around them as Civilization 2 does. You could try watching one of those more intellectually-oriented channels, like TBS or UPN. > anyway, as I look through my closet, I notice something I've noticed > all winter anyway.... most of my long-sleeved shirts are either > missing buttons, too small, have no collars or something stupid like that HA HA NICK'S CLOTHES ARE ALL STUPID!!!! > which would impede their use as layered clothing. In fact... > what is the proper use for button-down shirts with no collars? Get a blond Beatle wig and surround yourself with girls in go-go boots and silver bikinis while you relax on the Moon in the distant future year 1980. (action scene) 1980!!! (action scene) 1980!!! > And why do I have two of them? I've worn them anyway around > Phoenix; this is my hometown, what do I care if I look like an > idiot here? It's the people who are never going to see me again > after Monday that I'd like to impress! So, for those of us on the Internet who NEVER see you, shouldn't you give us gifts or something? Personal checks are accepted. > Also, I have two pairs of shoes: brown ones and black ones. Two pairs, each with one black one and one brown one? And then when Mommy says they're on the wrong feet you say "But these are the only feet I have! Can I have some pashgetti and meatbulbs?" and then you make a squiggly dotted line as you run away from the scary Schmoo ghosts named BITE ME and IDA HO! > Also, I have one real hat: a brown one. Not counting the baseball > caps, which I am trying to free myself of, and succeeding. But > the caps I own look stupid (too). I got a knit cap that might work > though. If girls come up to you and tell you how much you look like Gary Burghoff, that's about the best you can do with a knit cap. Trust me on this. > And most of my other clothes are blue. I suspect that this is a > problem when my accessories are mostly brown. I own a pair of > khaki slacks, but I've worn them at night when it was in the 40's, Wow, you were born in the forties? You must be older than Bob Hope times Chris Franks while George Burns! > possibly 50's in Phoenix. And I caught a devastating cold soon > following. Heh heh heh. You can tell he doesn't live in what Headline News incessantly refers to as "The Northern Tier". He gets COLDS. Up here we have this NEW thing called "the flu". Once you get it, you'll never go back to having regular harmless colds again! > And besides, I shouldn't worry about the pants; blue > jeans are supposed to go with anything, right? RIGHT? Oh, hell, > I'm so fashion-illiterate I don't know anymore. I'm just paranoid > on this specific point because I heard somewhere about brown shoes > with a blue suit being bad, but maybe that's just for stockbrokers. Nick, during the time you're spending typing this, you could be at some place other than Old Navy buying lots of things that aren't navy. Also, brown shoes are ALWAYS bad. Cool people wear Doc Martens they made themselves out of sneakers nailed to shock-absorber springs from a Humvee, then hand-painted by that woman who used to be Cindy Brady. > Three possible jackets: one giant cumbersome all-weather jacket with > bright blue and red synthetic material, one really old denim jacket > which I suspect I have no business wearing anymore, and one nice > grey one I got just a few days ago, "just in case". I don't know if > it's adequate for walking the streets at night in 30-degree > temperatures; I imagine I'll be forced to resort to the brightly- > colored ski jacket which probably makes my nice brown fedora look > COMPLETELY out of place if it hadn't already before. (Kibo holds the envelope to his turban.) KIBO: Brown fedora. ED: Brown... fedora. (Kibo slits the envelope open and blows in it, then pulls out a small card.) KIBO (reading): "What would you call Roy Scheider as Darrin's mother-in-law?" ED: HO HO HO! HEY-O!!!! AN' ME WANNA GO HOME!!!! > So in my mind, I will show up in Seattle completely unprepared > for the climate while looking like a dork anyway. > > I am now officially NERVOUS. The first time I read that it said "NERDOUS", it really did. I thank you for making up that cool new word I will add to my vocabulary of things I like to say to make people think I'm a Valley Girl, like "tubular" and "vomitrocious". -- K. Which can be combined as "tubifex worms." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OH NO! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 06:50:42 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I like to say to make people think I'm a Valley Girl, like "tubular" > > and "vomitrocious". > > > > Which can be combined as "tubifex worms." > > > Tubifex worms are a carrier for the parasite that causes Twirling Disease > in salmon. And in salmonids. Dear Joseph Charles Michael Rotten Bay-otten Brussels Sprouts The Third, I'm sorry, this callback is so obscure that I forgot what I was going to say, and why, and to whom, and when, and whether I would wear pants while not saying it, assuming I remember to forget to say it. > Mmmm, salmonid. "salmonid" is just "p!uowjes" spelled upside down. In Futura Medium. FUTURA MEDIUM, THE OFFICIAL FONT OF SPELLING DISEASED FISH UPSIDE DOWN. -- K. now I must ghoti myself to a rolling doughnut. ON THE MOOOOOON! AHHHH, BURLAP DOOOOORS! AHHHHH, DOUGHNUT MOOOONNNN!!! YOU CRUDDY SHOE FEEF!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Horrible Medical Discovery Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 09:41:24 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor CNN Headline News just tells me that researchers have discovered that old people often suffer SILENT STROKES. Oh, poo! I was hoping to hear a cool *BANG!!!* noise! -- K. "Ha! Wilson's blown his cortex!" -- Gary Larson ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.misc,sci.bio.technology,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 2.1 Re: Prion disease is really a fungus transposon disease Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 09:46:32 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med, sci.bio.misc, sci.bio.technology, and sci.chem, Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Archimedes Plutonium) wrote: > > [...context elided...] > > Bennett, what is this 1.2kb ssDNA. Could you describe it in further > details. I am a physic genius with no more than a few High School > biology courses. In your explanation omit these biology terms and speak > in just ordinary language. And please explain this "chaperone" stuff > while you are at it. Thanks in advance Arch, I don't think anyone needs to explain chaperones to you as long as you stay celibate. AND WE COULDN'T BE HAPPIER FOR YOU. -- K. Especially because if he reproduced, he'd probably do so by binary fission to produce two Plutonium Juniors and a handful of pink and blue neutrons. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bwahaha! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 10:01:57 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.tech-support.recovery, "Nile Evil Bastard" (fun@thingy.apana.org.au) wrote: > > We just got a 'get on thuh Inernet!' starter CD from my place of employment. > [...] > This CD is part of the last 15,000 left over from the first CD run of > 20,000. They did a new, slightly less buggy CD in January, so are just > throwing these things around blindly, in the hope that the poor sods > receiving them will be foolish enough to put them in the CD drive and > curse their systems with IE4. Today I just got a big box I had ordered from a mail-order office-computer-supply company. (That is, a company that mainly sells bulk-packaged disks and paper to offices. I was buying 96 batteries for my gluttonous digital camera.) In the bottom of the box was an AOL coaster and... ...a flyer for the "Dr. Seuss" Book Club. Okay, I understand that my office just *might* be a dentist's office and so I *might* need to keep a couple battered Dr. Seuss books in the corner which would need to be replaced on a monthly basis as the toddlers chew on them. But also throwing in the AOL coaster was just an insult to my intelligence. I mean, do they really think I don't know that the AOL CDs that come in magazines go faster? (Unless you take them out of the plastic bag!) -- K. I look forward to seeing the first AOL DVD-ROMs in about five years. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Flaming Fish of Death! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 11:10:42 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) writes: > > > > > > Not me. I just want to point out that the spelling of "Qatar" was the > > > subject of a screaming match between me and my 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. > > > Mathiot. She insisted, like the idiot she is, that if it contains a Q > > > it must also contain a U. I was suspended nonetheless. > > > > Did anyone ever tell her how to spell "Qatar"? I wonder if, when she > > hears the word, it conjures up images of how horribly stupid she is. > > Also, I'd like to name the teachers that were utter shits to me: Mrs > > Abbot, Mrs Wolken, and Mrs Cochran. Thank you, and good night. > > I would just like, again, to mention my second-grade teacher who > tried to convince us that if you add a silent e to the end of > the word "quit" you get "quiet." > > Did she think we were TOTAL morons???? I agree with her, Matt, you are a totle morone. > Nobody whom I have told about this has ever believed me. I done't beleive you because you are a totle moreone. > Also, I have no stories about elementary school and Qatar, but I have > one about elementary school and Bahrain, which is very close to Qatar > and even smaller. One of the teachers I had in the fifth grade liked > to go on endlessly about how she was a personal acquaintance of the > sheik of Bahrain. I have no idea whether she was telling the truth or not. > > I guess that wasn't much of a story. I used to have some postage stamps from Bahrain. And Qatar. But then I had Nazi stamps too. MY STAMP COLLECTION INCLUDED NAZI STAMPS!!! The Nazis' stamps weren't up to their usual standard of propagandistic artistic excellence. Needed more rays of light. Also I had those rare East German stamps where the theodolite was facing the wrong way so that we American stamp collectors could profit from Communism. So anyway, I'm less of a nerd than you because I had a BETTER stamp collection. > She taught "social studies" and also math. In "social studies" she talked > about the sheik of Bahrain. In math she sat in the corner and ignored us > while we listened to tapes and did ditto worksheets, according to the > theory of Mastery Learning. All my crazy teachers were Social Studies teachers, with the exception that all foreign-language teachers are also, by definition, insane. One of my Social Studies teachers (I think in ninth grade) liked to brag about how he came in second in a state yo-yo competition (!) and was once ALMOST chairman of the Republican National Committee (and I was ALMOST the Pope) and he once collected all four pieces of the bridge in the Atari 2600 "Superman" game in four seconds. Oh, yeah, and he always wore a three-piece brown suit to class and once told us happily that he now had TWO sides of Rubik's Cube done. He was the only right-wing "Social Studies" teacher I've known. Usually the righties teach "History" or "Politics" and the liberal hippie beatniks teach "Social Studies". You an tell because there are rainbows over the Social Studies classrooms, with unicorns jumping over them, while the kids coming out of History have fresh crew-cuts. > (For those not of a Certain Age: The following historical note will work > best if one imagines a slow rendition of Joplin's "The Entertainer" > playing in the distance. In the olden days of yore, before photocopiers > were available at every elementary school, items distributed in large runs > of copies were made via "Ditto(TM) machine," a simple mechanical device > which ran off blurry replicas in purple ink from something eerily named a > "spirit master." Also, the tapes mentioned above were reel-to-reel.) You didn't also have the pink and purple hectograph ink for use only on special occasions, such as holidays which were wimpy enough that school wasn't closed, i.e. Halloween and Arbor Day? If you are really good I will tell you how to make your own gelatin-block press with marshmallows and green beans in it. > I transferred into the class about a week after the beginning of the school > year, and immediately started going through dozens of the tapes and > worksheets. Weeks later I discovered that I was supposed to do a "pre-test" > worksheet before each tape/worksheet combination and a "post-test" > worksheet afterward, a fact of which I had not been apprised. So I had to > start over. > > There will now be a moment of silence so that we may contemplate our > global dependence on fossil fuels. My favorite accelerated class patheticness was in sixth grade, when those of us who were "ahead" were allowed to work at our own pace (because the teacher was busy supervising the other 30 kids) so I did all the homework in the stupid "advanced" book (woo-woo, 2/4 = 1/2) and they had to find something else for me to do so they got this pointless gifted-kid toy called "Miro" (presumably after the Surrealist) out of some dusty closet. It consisted of a pane of translucent red plastic with little feet holding it up, and a workbook with halves of hearts and stars and clovers (magically delicious) drawn in and I had to UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF SYMMETRY to put the somewhat translucent shiny thing next to the half-a-heart so I could trace the other half by looking at the reflection in the red thing, because kids are obviously too stupid to be able to draw the other half of the heart without a red-tinted beam-splitted. To this day I wonder what the point of that was. Anyway, I think I did that whole workbook in about five minutes. -- K. I recall one of the other kids vociferously complaining that I got to play with something cool and they didn't. Oh, yeah, that particular teacher liked to brag about his shoe size, too. So, does anyone else here recognize ALL the teachers in the Friedman brothers' pointillistic yet chiaroscuro "Gallery Of Mentally Disturbed Teachers"? Also, I apologize for using all those art words, but I'm artistically brainy because I looked at that piece of red plastic. (This was before schools had Macs.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Flaming Fish of Death! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 08:37:22 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Less than a day ago, I wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > One of the teachers I had in the fifth grade liked > > to go on endlessly about how she was a personal acquaintance of the > > sheik of Bahrain. I have no idea whether she was telling the truth or not. > > > > I guess that wasn't much of a story. > > I used to have some postage stamps from Bahrain. WAAH! MATT! WE JUST INADVERTENTLY CAUSED KIBOLOGY TO KILL ANOTHER INNOCENT CELEBRITY! Assuming you call the Emir of Bahrain a celebrity. Which is kind of hard to do because NOW HE'S DEAD!!! Just like Carl Sagan. We're making fun of what a loser he is and THE NEXT DAY HE DIES FOR NO APPARENT REASON!!! People, I have some important suggestions for everyone! PLEASE MAKE FUN OF BOB HOPE MORE OFTEN! AND NEVER MAKE FUN OF ME! -- K. Matt killed the Emir of Bahrain 'cause he wanted his story to have a better ending than "I guess that wasn't much of a story." Now he can end it with "I guess that wasn't much of a story before I killed him." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.food.fast-food,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Burger King Fries vs Mac's Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 06:25:30 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.food.fast-food In alt.food.fast-food, "tom gee" (gman@calweb.com) wrote: > > Subject: Burger King Fries vs Mac's BUT ONION RINGS ARE BETTER THAN PENTIUMS ANY DAY!!!! -- K. "The gun is good, the Pentium is evil..." -- Zardoz ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Worship me Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 07:10:17 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jim Ferry (jferry@uiuc.edu) wrote: > > My name is James P. Ferry. I think, therefore, I should be > worshipped, and I am. Well, a little. Oh C'mon. Hi, James P. Ferry! Boy, is THAT a dumb name! I suggest you immediately change it to something that won't make people run up to you shouting "HEY JAMES 'KIBO' PARRY, YOU SPELLED YOUR NAME WRONG *AND* YOU'RE A BIG CREEP ALL OVER THE INTERNET! GET OFF MY INTERNET!" I would suggest you endeavour to have your name confused with people who are more respected than I am. Ideas for names cooler than "James P. Ferry": Boba Hope Ted Mugent I NARROWLY AVOIDED USING THE WORD 'LOCUS' BELOW Kim Cattralll | Plutarchimedes Onionium | | O. K. Simpson | <------ world's best-selling cola | ...ON THE PLANET SUCKO! L. Ron Howard | | Adloaf Halter | | Farty Atbuckle | <------ I apologize for that one | and | v Nichard Rixon Also, your name is EXACTLY as close to "Jim Perry", host of TV's "Card Sharks" in the late seventies, as mine is. Thus, somewhere there is an infinitely long line perpendicular to the line segment connecting me to you, passing through its midpoint, and the game-show host is lost somewhere near one of the two ends of that line. I feel that it is very important that we continue to not know where Jim Perry is while maintaining a cordial relationship in which neither of us is actually a game-show host. Gotta go, my lines are getting too short now. Bye! -- K. I think I just gave myself an ASCII wedgie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Opening Day Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 07:17:06 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > Alan Bostick (abostick@netcom.com) writes: > > > > > > Pavarotti is not about equal to Placido Domingo > > > > Well, in a multicenter double-blind study, patients responded about > > as well to Pavarotti treatment as they did when administered a Placido. > > > BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! > > Congrats. First one this month. FRICK: What do you call it when Terri Willis has a B.M. around L.A. ten times? FRACK: Why, I do not know. What do you call it when Terri Willis has a B.M. around L.A. ten times? FRICK: ...I DON'T KNOW EITHER!!! FRACK: Now, cousin, let us do the dance of joy! (both start jumping up and down as they shout together:) FRICK & FRACK: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM HEY HEY HEY!!! (the TV set in the background suddenly begins talking audibly) TV ANNOUNCER: News flash! Los Angeles has been destroyed in a very unpleasant way! More after this ad for cookies! FRICK & FRACK: Yayyyy, cookies! -- K. I apologized for having once mailed a spec script to a sitcom, especially that one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Two items of interest to me Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 09:56:41 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > [item of interest to David Pacheco deleted, which means that now he's > not allowed to read the current article in any future anthologies] > > [the second item:] > > In other news, in a pitch to reduce negative PR, and taking a page from > the Apple book of advertising, a well-known bacteria has officially > changed its name to "iColi," and now comes in five new colours, > including "Raw Beef Red" and "Eggyolk Yellow." And those oldies but goodies, "Gan Green", "Appendicitis Purple And Bulgy", and "Salmon Salmonella". > Insiders claim that "iBola" is being considered as well. What I want to know is... When is the WebTV going to come in different shades of stupid? -- K. I apologize for having nothing worthwhile to say about either of these items, particularly the earlier, funnier one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.materials,sci.edu,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks,sci.physics From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: first two movies of AP, Good Will Hunting & Pi Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 10:16:40 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.materials and sci.edu, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > The first two movies of Archimedes Plutonium. I am not surprized they > are a 'flame' of me. > > Some persons told me about them because they reminded them of me. So > last week I saw them. Did you go to a theater or did you just close your eyes for a moment like you do with those invisible lawsuits you keep claiming you've filed? > Pi: faith in chaos, 1997, Darren Aronofsky > --- quoting jacket --- > A brilliant mathematician teeters on the brink of insanity as he > searches for an elusive numerical code in this critically acclaimed > schizophrenic thriller! > --- end quote --- > > The movie director must of seen that I have a shaved-bald head and > thus the actor likewise. Yeah! And that actual mathematician guy that the movie is actually based on is copying you too! The coincidence is EERILY STUPID! Speaking of eerily stupid, you should stop retouching all the photos on your Web page to make the pupils of your eyes eight times the size of a normal human's. > The first movies of me will portray me as insane, rather than as a > supergenius. Golly, I am *never* protrayed in movies as being insane, therefore, I'm a supergenius too. *AND* I inspired "Star Wars". > Actually, I sort of got bored while watching Pi, and could not wait > for the next movie of Good Will Hunting, hoping for it to be more > upbeat. > > GOOD WILL HUNTING, 1997, with Robin Williams, director Gus Van Sant, > written by Ben Affleck & Matt Damon. > > This is a movie about a genius math kid who cleans the floors at MIT. > Again, I am the model behind this movie. Um, Arch, you don't go to MIT. And I know they don't HAVE people cleaning the floors. You've clearly never seen what Lobby Seven looks like. > These authors of both these > movies can read my web pages any day of the year and model their movies > around me. So what you're saying is that most movies are based on topless photos of Marina Sirtis, Cheryl Crow, and Dr. Laura, and then there are a lot of movies where the plot is just a guy shouting "404!!!!!", and then there are the movies about your Web page? I got news for you, pal. You can't make a good movie out of a crazy guy's Web page. Hell, I don't think you could even make a good Web page out of your Web page. > At least in Good Will Hunting, Gus Van Sant does not portray > me as bald. So? I can name *hundreds* of movies where NOBODY PORTRAYED ME BALD!!! > Rather, he picks on the fact that I wash pots for Dartmouth > College and turns that into floor cleaning at MIT. He then portrays me > as telling the Fields prize winner mathematician that I have better > things to do with my time than to do his simpleton mathematics. You see, it's obviously a fantasy film. > Both movies portray me with psychological problems, I take that back. It's a documentary. > where in Good Will Hunting, I am forced to see a psychiatrist counselor. AND SHE'S MARINA SIRTIS, TOPLESS!!!! > These are the first two movies of Archimedes Plutonium. But later in > the future they will dispense with the flamethrowing and mudflinging > and depict me as I truly am. Such as this. I think you'd fit better on the small screen. Like the little one-inch black-and-white screen on Martin Landau's "commlock" in "Space: 1999". Unfortunately, your presence would probably lower the degree of scientific accuracy in "Space: 1999". > I enter a room full of people (not unlike Branagh's opening scenes > with HENRY V). Everyone is silent and kneels to the floor. Finally > someone comes over to deliver the latest news. I stretch out my right > arm with hand down, and he kisses my hand as he kneels. I read the news > of the day of science, for I am the King of Science. "Carry on, people" Then people hit you with pies for ten minutes, and then your head explodes and a puppy comes out. The puppy says "It's a living! Arf!" and then the camera pulls back to show the audience watching the movie can see that there's no audience watching the movie. Also, if you look close, you can see the perforations between the frames because the movie is released on special Charmin film stock. -- K. So what's the title? And how many minutes will we have to skip over if we just want to see Marina Sirtis? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.logic,sci.med,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 3.1 Re: Deciding experiment of Prusiner's prion disease Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 10:20:40 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.edu, sci.logic, sci.med, sci.bio.misc, and sci.bio.technology, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > It appears that making a career in science is > disjointed from having an obnoxious personality. Wow! At last something has been PROVEN by Archimedes Plutonium! -- K. The big question is, if Archie lost his elbow in a dishwasher accident, could it make what he types any more disjointed? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.bio.ethology,sci.bio.misc,sci.med,sci.physics.fusion,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dogs are the best for Antarctica Re: ITER, not quite yet jiggered enough, quote from THE LAST PLACE ON EARTH Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 11:35:52 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.bio.ethology, sci.bio.misc, sci.med, sci.energy, and sci.physics.fusion, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Having seen The Last Place On Earth re: Amundsen and Scott, a thought > came to my mind. That dogs have a superlative. They are the best built > animal to take on the hardship of coldness. I suppose a polar bear is > even better. Yes! Yes! Dogs are the bestest animal there is EXCEPT for the ones that are better! GENIUS! GENIUS! I suggest you throw yourself into this line of work by vaulting over the railing that separates you from the polar bears at the zoo. And be sure to wear your salmon-flavored cologne. > There should be a science of biology superlatives where one lists in > an encyclopedia type fashion the superlatives of living creatures. Most Insane Dishwasher Most Often Wrong Roundest Head Wackiest Made-Up Mad Scientist Name Most Likely To Post Stupid Stuff About Dogs In Sci.Physics.Fusion This is a great irony, because we know you'd be listed under dozens of such categories despite the fact that, overall, you're ABSOLUTELY THE VERY LEAST SUPERLATIVE person ever, and I am not exaggerating hyperbolically, I swear on a stack of a million Bibles timesed by infinity. > Can someone quantify this superlativeness of dogs in cold > temperature? Arch, please keep your sex life out of this. > Question: I had heard of an overdose of vit A from eating polar bear > liver by early explorers. In the movie, Amundsen tells his men, do not > eat the liver because of an eskimo saying, never eat what a dog won't > eat. I was going to answer your question, but I can't find it. Have you considered a career in a different field? Preferably one filled with those flowers from "Star Trek" that shoot the poison darts that go "KA-BWOINGGGG!" and instantly kill anyone who's not Vulcan? -- K. Of course, Archie could foil my dastardly plan by changing his name to "Archimedes Spock". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do not fire the incompetent urban public librarian. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 12:10:43 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In soc.libraries.talk, Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > With urban public libraries' institutional cultures as they are the > worse retribution would be to let the incompetent librarian continue > in the urban public library environment! Man, these are the worst Gilbert & Sullivan lyrics I've ever heard. > Raise remuneration and increase responsibility and accountability. (enter several DALEKS.) DALEK #1: EX-TER-MI-NATE! DE-FEN-E-STRATE! MAS-TI-CATE! RE-MUN-ER-ATE! DALEK #2: RAISE RE-MUN-ER-ATION! RE-MUN-ER-ATE! RE-MUN-ER-ATE! DR. WHO: Oh dear, those narsty old Daleks are after me. I think I'll just nip across this double yellow line on the floor. DALEK #1: OUR DE-SIGN FLAWS FOR-BID US FROM CROSS-ING YEL-LOW LINES! DALEK #2: THERE-FORE WE MUST NOW EX-PLODE! DALEK #1: WE ARE NOW EX-PLO-DING! EX-PLO-DING! EX-PLO-DING! (There is a loud electronic "ZOINGGG!" noise accompanied by a throbbing red ellipse superimposed on the screen for five seconds. The red ellipse has a blue halo around it that isn't supposed to be there and destroys the realism.) DR. WHO: Oh no, that gigantic explosion has reversed the polarity of my Dewey Decimal System Compensator! Now all the books in my infinitely large library are sorted in descending order so nobody can find anything! (He turns to face the camera, which ZOOMS IN on his face.) DR. WHO: DON SAKLAD, HELP ME!!! (Sound of a Concorde flying right through the middle of a stereo microphone. ROLL CREDITS over swirly psychedelic pictures of Don Saklad's disembodied head travelling through time.) > Develop funding for faculty type chairs for librarians and their > curatorial projects. I believe Archimedes Plutonium has already invented special faculty-type rocking chairs made out of superstrong spider silk and electric Velcro. -- K. I am so glad I caught the typo and fixed the word "rocking" before posting this. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do not fire the incompetent urban public librarian. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:17:17 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Zork Melinda (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > DALEK #1: EX-TER-MI-NATE! DE-FEN-E-STRATE! MAS-TI-CATE! RE-MUN-ER-ATE! > > Terry Nation died for your puns. > > I hope your satisfied. OH NO! I just did the research and found out that Terry Nation died a whole year ago! I had just thought that my curse was that every celebrity I mentioned died, but now celebrities are dying BEFORE I even mention then on the Internet! * Carl Sagan dies the day after I make fun of him. * Nothing was ever proven about Kurt Cobain or Bob Denver. * Then the Emir of Bahrain dies 24 hours after I mention him the first time. * Stanley Kubrick 12 hours before I repost everything I ever said about him. * And now, Terry Nation dies a year before I mention the Daleks! But, I just don't understand what the deal is with Bob Hope. Maybe I should never have mentioned him, because apparently now they die before I mention them or not at all. Anyway, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to retroactively kill Terry Nation. I've seen every episode of "Blakes 7" (including the one where the accidentally showed the missing apostrophe) and every episode of "Doctor Who", so this proves I'm a good person. (It's not like I'm a "seaQuest DSV" fan.) -- K. I admit it, I've seen every episode of "seaQuest DSV" several times, but I'm not LIKE a "seaQuest DSV" fan. For instance, I never finished assembling my plastic model of the super-sub. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Is Applied Physics Letters prestigious enough? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 12:17:18 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics, Anonymous (nobody@replay.com) wrote: > > Is Applied Physics Letters prestigious enough to publish a Nobel prize > winning paper? If not, which journal would you recommend? Dear Archimedes Anonymousium, Have you considered Applied Sticky Papers, from the producers of the "3-2-1-ContactPaper" TV series? They have a large amount of backing. (They're adapting to the changing academic world -- currently they're trying to reposition their journal, but first they have to scrape it off with a razor blade.) Also, you didn't say how the Nobel Committee (part of NASA) knew to whom to give the prize, as you're completely anonymous and all that. -- K. And besides, I'm sure having a Nobel prize would be completely meaningless if you published your paper in a second-rate journal. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Stanley Kubrick's "A Kibological Orange" (part 1) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:01:14 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor As usual, when a celebrity I've heard of has just died, I'm going to repost just about everything I've ever written that mentions him. Anyway, he was the guy whose movies always had six or seven scenes you just couldn't shake -- the monkey throwing the bone, Slim Pickens riding the bomb, Jack Nicholson yelling "Here's Johnny!", Malcolm McDowell with clamps on his eyelids, the rectangular black slab loom over the deathbed, Peter Sellers yelling "Mein FŸrher, I can valk!", the soldiers chanting the "Mickey Mouse Club" theme, and Corporal Bat-Guano saying "If you try any preversions in there, I'll blow your head off!" Most filmmakers are lucky if they come up with one of those scenes in one of their films. There are very few things which become embedded so deeply in our culture's shared memory as these images which populated ever one of Kubrick's films. Unfortunately, he didn't have the chance to finish his final film -- and his one science-fiction film since 1971 -- "A.I.". ("Eyes Wide Shut" has been completed and will be released in a couple months. We'll know he was a genius if it turns out to be a good film despite starring Tom Cruise and non-actress Nicole Kidman.) He had a knack for satire -- "Dr. Strangelove" is still funny and terrifying no matter how many times you've seen it -- and for making good films out of things that seem impossible to make films of any sort out of. For instance, could anyone else have done "A Clockwork Orange" that well? Who else could have made "2001" so respected despite the fact that it contains almost no dialogue and no characters (except a computer)? Who else could have pulled off a riotously funny comedy about nuclear war? Who could match his battle scenes with thousands of extras in "Spartacus"? Has anyone else ever made a haunted-house story as creepy as "The Shining"? He could take ideas that would _never_ seem to work if you heard them described to you ("and then it ends with the hero dying on the cross with his wife saying 'Please die, my darling!" ... "and then the elevator doors open up and blood comes out!" ... "and then he's in a hotel room in outer space with a big black rectangle!" ... "and then Malcolm McDowell hits the lady with a giant ceramic penis!") and somehow overcome such challenges -- Kubrick aimed high, and it's surprising that he didn't have too many disasters. Stanley Kubrick, dead at 70. Soon to be buried in a coffin of the exact proportions: one by four by nine. And now, a run-down of nearly ever mention of Kubrick (by me) throughout the history of alt.religion.kibology. (Several parts, best viewed on a really, really wide screen.) -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: TWO DAMN IMAGES!!!! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 08:40:39 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 2973 centons, 63 microns, .02 zontars Two ideas just came to me... and they won't go away. 1.) The official Stanley Kubrick chess set, designed and produced by Mr. Kubrick himself. All the squares would be glowing white plastic, except for four shiny black ones arranged in a perfect asymmetric balance. The pieces would squeak when you moved them. There would be a light bulb in front of the most interesting square. Your opponent, wearing a brown tie, would hold very still. The board would be really long and narrow and you'd have to look at it through a fisheye lens. For three hours. 2.) What if Bob Hope had Bob Barker's Plinko Stick? We must kill Bob Hope before this happens or he will destroy the world. HELP MAKE THE WORLD HOPELESS!!! -- K. plink plink plink thermonuclear devastation STANLEY KUBRICK MUST KILL BOB HOPE!!! ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.sf.movies From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 31 Dec 2000 ? Followup-To: rec.arts.sf.movies,alt.religion.kibology Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Fri, 15 Apr 1994 11:40:49 GMT In sci.astro article <1994Apr14.125959.214@nsrvan.van.wa.us>, wrote: > > Ever wonder why the book was titled > > 2001: A Space Odyssey > and not > 2000: A Space Odyssey > ??? I asked my friend Stanley Kubrick (who ghostwrites all of Arthur C. Clarke's novels now) about this, and he said that the original screenplay was titled "2000: A Space Odyssey". However, Al Eisen, inventor of 2000 Flushes(R) cleanser, which lasts up to four months, sued him. Kubrik retaliated by basing the character of Dr. Strangelove, the mad inventor, on Al Eisen. Edward Teller was such a big fan of that character that he decided to model his life on the fictional character. I'm a big fan of the movie because it has the best zero-gravity effects--indeed, the only good ones--ever filmed; this is because key scenes were shot at that special anti-gravity chamber at NASA headquarters in the Pentagon, where just a touch of a switch will make you float around, and you get ten thousand times stronger, just like an ant. In fact, the opening sequence of "2001" originally had giant ants throwing a bone into the air, but Kubrick decided that at his level of complete realism this scene was too scary for most audiences and so substituted "wacky" ape costumes in an attempt to add some comic relief. Followups to rec.arts.sf.movies. Hey, has anyone seen Kubrick's new TV series, "seaQuest DSV"? -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.movies,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 31 Dec 2000 ? From: dubuque@husc7.harvard.edu (Peter Dubuque) Date: 16 Apr 94 02:07:12 GMT <1994Apr14.125959.214@nsrvan.van.wa.us> <2omgbb$ncq@bruce.uncg.edu> Organization: Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts windsorr@hamlet.uncg.edu (Ryan Windsor) writes: >James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: >: In sci.astro article <1994Apr14.125959.214@nsrvan.van.wa.us>, >: wrote: >: > >: > Ever wonder why the book was titled >: > >: > 2001: A Space Odyssey >: > and not >: > 2000: A Space Odyssey >: > ??? >: I asked my friend Stanley Kubrick (who ghostwrites all of Arthur C. >: Clarke's novels now) about this, and he said that the original >: screenplay was titled "2000: A Space Odyssey". However, Al Eisen, >: inventor of 2000 Flushes(R) cleanser, which lasts up to four months, >: sued him. >: Kubrik retaliated by basing the character of Dr. Strangelove, the mad >: inventor, on Al Eisen. Edward Teller was such a big fan of that >: character that he decided to model his life on the fictional character. >: I'm a big fan of the movie because it has the best zero-gravity >: effects--indeed, the only good ones--ever filmed; this is because key >: scenes were shot at that special anti-gravity chamber at NASA >: headquarters in the Pentagon, where just a touch of a switch will make >: you float around, and you get ten thousand times stronger, just like an ant. >: In fact, the opening sequence of "2001" originally had giant ants >: throwing a bone into the air, but Kubrick decided that at his level of >: complete realism this scene was too scary for most audiences and so >: substituted "wacky" ape costumes in an attempt to add some comic relief. >: Followups to rec.arts.sf.movies. Hey, has anyone seen Kubrick's new TV >: series, "seaQuest DSV"? > : >Okay, time for our prozac,junior. For the rest of you, the zero grav was >shot on a soundstage using a puppeteer style wire system and the planets >and moon backgrounds were, believe or don't, photoprahs. ^^^^^^^^^^ You mispelled 'fat oprahs'. -- _______________________________________________________________________ Peter F. Dubuque dubuque@husc.harvard.edu Everyone has some redeeming quality...their mortality, if nothing else. _______________________________________________________________________ ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.science From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Unprotected man in vacuum. What happens? Keywords: vacuum, biology, pressure, space Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Thu, 19 May 1994 09:01:13 GMT In sci.physics article , Joshua B. Rehman wrote: > Pardon me if this does not come out right -- it is my first post. I have alwa yswondered if Hollywood accurately portrays the phisiological repercussions. Wo uld your eye's bulge? Where is there any pressure differential that would cause this (except for air in one's lungs)? > My personal guess is that you would hemmorage severely, and perhaps the gases in your blood would desaturate and bubble, causing more damage. But else would one be affected? I am sure that the government has spent some time on this question -- perhaps someone could direct me toward their data? Josh-- you probably should be pushing 'Return' after every 75 characters or so to keep the long lines going off the edge of some people's screens. You might also want to try asking alt.folklore.science, they're big on exploding body parts. Hey, I bet the reason the Army is collecting secret data on WHAT HAPPENS IN A VACUUM is so that they can make a SECRET NEW WEAPON THAT SHOOTS A VACUUM AT YOU TO MAKE YOUR HEAD EXPLODE!!!! (I was told this by one of the generals of NASA while he was showing me the zero-gravity chamber in the NASA wing of the Pentagon. Steven Spielberg filmed most of _2001_ in there.) <-- as a favor to the new guy, I will put in this arrow as my way of saying "Hey, Josh, watch the serious people patiently explain to me that Steven Spielberg actually filmed _2001_ in a movie studio in London!") -- K. Unlike _2010_, which was filmed in actual outer space by the Voyager 6 probe before it fell into a black hole and went to another galaxy! ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.science From: pherble@cscns.com (Jim "Pherble" Tyler) Subject: Re: Unprotected man in vacuum. What happens? Followup-To: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.science Organization: CNS On-line Services (800-592-1240 customer service) Date: Sat, 21 May 1994 04:56:45 GMT St-Onge Louis (stongel@ERE.UMontreal.CA) wrote: < >(I was told this by one of the generals of NASA while he was showing me < >the zero-gravity chamber in the NASA wing of the Pentagon. Steven < >Spielberg filmed most of _2001_ in there.) <-- as a favor to the new guy, < >I will put in this arrow as my way of saying "Hey, Josh, watch the serious < >people patiently explain to me that Steven Spielberg actually filmed < >_2001_ in a movie studio in London!") < > -- K. < To my knowledge, _2001_ is a Stanley Kubrick movie... Hey! Two hits!. I should try that Science Fiction bait. -- -Pherble- ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I have sinned. Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Sun, 22 May 1994 09:39:28 GMT In alt.folklore.urban article <2rgksn$hgj@emoryu1.cc.emory.edu>, Malinda McCall wrote: > > I believe that, in three whole posts to AFU, I forgot the cardinal > rule against smileys and emoticons and used some. > [...] > Somewhere, however, Kibo is smiling.... > and it looks like a colon and a close parenthesis only slightly. That's because I'm wearing my EVIL CLOWN MAKEUP as I prepare to go out and TROLL NEWBIES into a GIANT H FIGHT with my good pal STANLEY KUBRICK. > /\_/\ > ( 0.0 ) > > U < My word, that Tie Fighter's open to space at the bottom! Darth's head will explode in the vacuum! He'd better put on a space helmet or something. -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 03:33:00 -0400 From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: seaQuest Funpoll Organization: Kibo's DEC Gamma 350 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest,alt.folklore.computers X-Kibo-Machine: Living Room Bottom Right (A copy of this message has also been posted to the following Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.seaquest,alt.folklore.computers) In article , mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matthew J. McIrvin) wrote: >In article , kibo@world.std.com (James >"Kibo" Parry) wrote: > >> [apologies if you've already seen the (cancelled) copy of this I posted >> earlier--the news server ate the only interesting sentence in my post.] > >Your post was CANCELLED???? I thought it was just on HIATUS! It was a HIATUS HERNIA (electric organ music sting). Doctor, will I ever be able to play the piano while watching a new episode of seaQuest DSV again? >> The pilot episode for "Space: 1999: Year 3: The Star Of Science >> Television", by the way, aired on TV in Canada as "The Shape Of Things To >> Come" by Harlan Ellison. I liked where Jack Palance got embarassed because >> his hat was bigger than Barry Morse's whole body. >> >> Matt McIrvin will now untangle the metarefs. > >What metarefs? None of this is true! I think he's MAKING STUFF UP! This >is actually a sly, convoluted reference to seaQuest DSV episode II-39a >(i), "The Thing of Shapes to Come," in which special guests Harlan Ellison >and Yul Brynner play unstoppable killer robots sent through time from 1945 >using the Trinity Site explosion, because they have to tell the seaQuest >to go back to 1941 through a "silver hole" and warn everyone about Pearl >Harbor, only they're really Nazi killer robots that don't want the US to >enter the war and they change history (because the steam-powered hologram, >affectionately named "Blank Reg," tells them where the backup bridge is), >and Lucas has to steal Garrett Graham's Stealth bomber and ride on a giant >tumbling time cookie with Darwin. And then Bob Ballard tells you to write >in if you know the ending, because the story involves... THE TIME ELEMENT. You misspelled "Jeffrey Jones". >> Nor did they have Gypsy driving around in a cool car filled with hundreds >> of ventriloquist dummies shaped like Leslie Nielsen. >> >> MAAAAAATT! > >I refuse to explain this one. Too bad. Too bad. Really too bad. I'll give you a hint. Two words: Panty Cat. >> Oh, come on, he's talented. After all, he wrote "Alien" and "Total >> Recall", and he drew that cool crosshair that shows up in the "Star Wars" >> arcade game from Atari Games Corp. Really, I read it in Forrest Ackerman's >> "Cinefexplosiomonsterminationucleartpuckythemousebeaver". >> >> MAAAAAAAAAAATT!!!! > >This is the firstime I ever heard of Rocknedanobannon's appearance in >Forrackerman's magabookatronifiction. But I suspect you'referring >obliquely to the only seaQuepisode written by Stanislaw Lem, "The >Invincible Krill," in which secret jeangenetexperiments create a race of >microbotoscopic metal krill that attack the seaQuest's bio-armor with a >biocatalytic stream of neutrinos that resurrects the ghost of Bridger's >dead wife and creates an evil simulation of Bridger's brain that they trap >in the Aviary That Neighed, preventing a selenoclasm triggered by a >luminal supercomputer of the 40th binasty at the Highest Possible Level of >Development. It was translated from the original Kirghiz by Ackerman's >wife Wendy Lou with the help of a team of 56 sweatshop workers, a deranged >ex-astronaut, and a wind-up robot named Roderick. This leads to a scene where Roddy McDowall releases himself. > The people of the world >must band together to prevent the outrage of people writing stories about >krill! How finny 'tis beneath the waves. > >> But Roddy McDowall was the best of the three actors who played Dr. Smith. >> >> MAAAAATT!!!! > >You're confusing "Lassie" with Ivan Tors' heartwarming dolphin show, >"Science Fiction Theater." That show was fiction. It did not happen. >Could it have happened? Scientists are working even today to find out. Matt, they FINISHED LAST YEAR. They MATHEMATICALLY ELIMINATED THE POSSIBILITY THAT WE WILL EVER AGAIN HAVE TELEVISION. Get OVER it. >> Michael Ironside, so that I could attach a Silly Straw from the hole in >> his forehead to the hole in Michael O'Hare's forehead and cause Commander >> Riker great confusion. MAAAAAATT!!!!! > >It's a little-known fact that Michael Ironside, Michael O'Hare, and >Jonathan Frakes were conjoined identical triplets. After separation, >they were known as the "Miracle Babies of Pocatello." Since then, >they've had a deep psychic rapport, which convinced O'Hare that he had >a hole in his mind, Frakes that he needed to explore the Paranormal >Borderline, and Ironside that his head was detachable and would fly >off at the slightest touch with the help of an actuating piston. The >deep feeling of isolation that the separation caused in Ironside also >engendered the phrase "There can be only one!" I hear that in next week's episode a Transporter accident merges Bridger and Darwin into Bridwin95, a talking dolphin who keeps calling the writers idiots. >> That mean ol' President Clinton for invading that other country during the >> two-hour premiere episode because he knew we'd all be tuned in that night. > >Just like Nixon used to give the State of the Union address from the >set of "Rowan Atkinson's Bean-In." That wasn't Nixon. It was his dog, Chimpie. >> Claudia Christian. Except I wouldn't give Ed Harris's big "YOU'VE NEVER >> GIVEN UP ON ANYTHING BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE SO LIVE DAMMIT LIVE!!!!!" speech. >> Did you know he once starred in a movie where he drove a talking black >> Trans Am and whipped himself silly? MAAAAAAAAATT!!!! > >"Kitt, I Think we're Trapped under 200 Tons of Cosmetic Lava! The Coastal >Cities must be Flooded in the Extra Long Version to create a Born-Again >Earth! Failure is not an option! No boom today! Boom tomorrow!" You missed my point. I was alluding to the fact that Ed Bishop changed his name to Ed Harris after he did that puppet show for that British guy, Stanley Kubrick. (This is obviously a troll because all UFO and Captain Scarlet fans know that Ed Bishop could not ever have had a role in '2001', the first movie to actually be filmed outside our galaxy.) >"Michael, if we charge $25 admission to King Richard's Faire and then beg >for tips, maybe we can buy the day-care center back from the evil >landlord!" > >Next week on JAG:seaQuest, The Next Generation! 34% new footage! What I like about JAG and JAG II is the way the file has four times the original resolution after I double-click on the little cheetah. <--- (DON'T LOOK AT THE RAY DREAM INCORPORATED PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!!!) >> When Lucas smashed the sticks that powered the giant cardboard computer >> that he was madly in love with after it caused them to change the future >> which destroyed the past because they had gone through the underwater >> black hole to a world where giant robots have destroyed civilization >> because people used virtual reality instead of having sex. Matt will >> present a certificate of authenticity that this was an actual episode. > >In[4]:= PrimeQCertificate[23985493919990351] > >Out[4]:= {43523, 67, {32321, 2, 3, {47}}, {7, {{{3, 2, 3}, 3, 2, 5}}, 5}, > 644, 3, 3, 721}}}}}}}}}}, 3, 2}}}, 2}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} > >THIS IS THE MOST OBSCURE JOKE IN THIS WHOLE POST. Stop using wimpy programming languages and move up to something with POWER: Pong(R) Game (Ball & Paddle) 1 Hor1 <- Hor1 + Key 2 Hor2 <- Hor2 + 8 3 Ver2 <- Ver2 - 3 4 If Hit Then Ver 2 <- 99, Note <- 7 5 Goto 1 The first person to port this to the BeBox will win a special prize. (It should be easy: each of the two processors can control one of the only two pixels in the graphics window.) As to what OS this was originally written for, I'll just mention that to program in BASIC, you had to unplug the joystick to plug in the twelve-button keypad. It could store up to nine lines of code. -- K. P.S. I'm posting this through Game*Line, with the joystick. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// [1991-era fragment from "Spot In Space", filmed by Kubrick] Spot woke up in a Howard Johnson's hotel. There was a big black monolith towering over him! It was making weird noises like Enya played backwards. He reached out to touch the slab, and... it fell on him. Then Time went into an endless loop, and it all happened again, including the part where Spot's lungs turned inside out. The laws of physics were so unfair to Spot! He cried as his life flashed behind his eyes, forever. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Stanley Kubrick's "A Kibological Orange" (part 2) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:23:51 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Part two of my tribute to the late Stanley Kubrick. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.taco-bell From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Tubby Sponges Date: Sun, 10 May 1998 08:07:01 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8162 centons, 89 microns, .02 abians Organization: welcome datacomp moe@Radix.Net (Ted Frank) wrote: > > [rant about bad movies deleted] > > Which brings me to Bulworth. > > They put the utterly grotesque Bulworth logo on the Beverly Center the > other week; I commented to Kia upon its ugliness. Yeah, the Beverly Center is pretty ugly. Especially when Anne Heche is standing in front of it (to lay the charges that explode the nonexistent building across the street so that the little boy can stand under it crying and the girl sees him and runs over and grabs him and then they both stand there crying and Tommy Lee "Interchangeable With Harrison Ford" Jones sees the building falling on them and he runs over and grabs them and then they all stand there like idiots and the building falls on them and they're all okay but at least he kept them from getting dusty, and then Anne Heche's face pops up center screen again and the screen cracks. I'll confess: I didn't feel one way or another about Ellen DeGeneres, funny standup comedian trapped on an unfunny sitcom, until she announced she was a lesbian. Then I realized I had a mild case of the hots for her. Then I found out she's dating Anne Heche, and now I can't stand either of them because Ellen obviously only dates ugly people. And she's a lesbian. So the second part would keep her from dating me. > K: "What *is* Bulworth?" > T: "It's a movie about an aging senator who becomes a rap star." > K: "Stop trolling me." > T: "No, really, it's a movie designed to alienate as many people as > possible. That was Roger Ebert's theory regarding "Frozen Assets", the _other_, _worse_ sperm-bank comedy film that came out as the same time as Ted Danson's/Whoopi Goldberg's awful sperm-bank comedy. "Frozen Assets", starring Corbin Bernsen as a sleazy executive at a sperrrrm bank, only he doesn't know it's a sperrrrrrm bank, is a movie you could only enjoy if you simply giggle every time you hear the word "sperrrrrrrrrrm". So as Ebert pointed out, it would appear to those six-year-olds who can sit through tedious movies about bank embezllers. My personal favorite movie with no possible audience segment is "Bugsy Malone", the all-singing all-dancing Mafia musical... with an all-pre-teen cast (led by Scott Baio!) The kids drive around in miniature Depression-era cars powered by pedals, and they have these "splurge guns" that shoot white glop at each other, and then it harden and turns them into mummies. No grownup could POSSIBLY watch this movie. No child could POSSIBLY sit through it. That's how my movie ratings system works: **** -- Everyone will like it, except for a few cranks. "Citizen Kane", etc. *** -- It's likely that a normal person will like it. This is as good as Star Trek or James Bond films can get. ** -- Bad, but there are a few slow people who will enjoy it. "Waterworld". * -- Nobody could POSSIBLY enjoy it. I.e. "Tank Girl". And the second axis is the little nuclear bomb icon, for those special movies we talk about on a.r.k: (boom)(boom)(boom) -- Everyone, even people who don't "get" irony, will laugh at the unintentional humor. I.e. "Plan 9 From Outer Space". (boom)(boom) -- Any astute movie fan with a functional sense of humor will giggle constantly for ninety minutes. "Star Trek 5". (boom) -- Serious devotees of bad films will find something to make fun of in the background of one scene. So we have an intentional entertainment axis and an unintentional entertainment axis. A movie that gets one star and no bomb is "nobody will like this under any circumstances". The best cases, of course, are four stars and no bombs, or one star and three bombs. Unfortunately, there do not seem to be any cases of four-star films getting multiple bombs. It would be great if Stanley Kubrick would hit his head on the camera crane and make a four-star-three-bomb-stravagza. > Any of the baby boomers are going to want to avoid it because > of the horrid urban soundtrack. And if Warren Beatty couldn't bring in > the youth crowd when he was shtupping Madonna, he isn't going to do it by > pretending to rap." > K: "Stop trolling me." > > Beatty is associated with "Ishtar," which is unfairly regarded as a > horrible movie. It was certainly an overexpensive and not especially > good tribute to the Hope-Crosby "Road" movies, Wouldn't a really bad movie be the PROPER tribute to the lame Bob Hope canon? Ever TRIED to watch a Bob Hope movie? I recommend starting with "Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Number!", one of the few that at least gets a bomb. For Phyllis Diller's inept attempts at overacting, and of course my favorite, the "PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS" scene. > but it wasn't "The > Postman" by any stretch of the imagination. But one of the things most > notable about it was how *bad* Hoffman and Beatty were in singing. So > why a movie featuring Beatty doing nothing but? In a leftist political > satire, no less? Okay. Suppose Kevin Costner as The Postman sang. What would he sing, and what would the title be? "THE POSTMAN ALWAYS SINGS TWICE" comes to mind, but it would need a subtitle to make it extra-serious: "A SERIOUS MOTION PICTURE EXPERIENCE". > I can't imagine this movie being anything less than a disaster. When the > comment of Dr. Gates -- who, as a liberal African-American intellectual > of a certain age, is almost certainly the ideal demographic -- is > that Beatty "sounds more like Dr. Seuss than Dr. Dre'," the writing is on > the wall. > > Then again, a studio executive that would commit $30 million on the > cliche' "Man with life insurance policy puts contract out on self, then > changes mind" deserves whatever they get. I sense a Fox sitcom pilot in the works. Every week, a different inept hitman would try to kill C. Thomas Howell, and every week he'd ineptly avoid the inept hitmen with the help of C. C. H. Pounder as a mysterious FBI agent! > With Costner, at least, you > salve his ego, and he might give you another "Dances With Wolves" down > the line, so you blow the money on the sure-fire bomb. But Beatty? Well, you could at least get another "Dick Tracy". You know, the movie where every five minutes they stopped the film and a Disney executive came out and said "HEY, DID YOU HEAR THERE ARE ONLY SEVEN COLORS IN HERE YET?" for a total of sixteen times during the film. And, of course, I spent the whole time just sitting there shouting "That stripe on his necktie's yellowish-orange! His shoes are a different brown! The cardboard sky has a gradient painted on it!" > The sad thing is that if a right-wing Hollywooder -- Stallone or Heston, > say -- pulled nonsense like this, they'd be ridiculed. Cf. the Rambo > movies, one of which bothered to be a moderately entertaining example of > the comic-book-action-movie genre. But because Beatty's movie pushes the > politically correct buttons, it's getting press for its "intellectual > subtlety" for its pious wrongheaded platitudes, just as the mildly > humorous but heavyhanded "Bob Roberts" was li