Newsgroups: alt.food.fast-food,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Burger King Fries vs Mac's Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 06:25:30 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.food.fast-food In alt.food.fast-food, "tom gee" (gman@calweb.com) wrote: > > Subject: Burger King Fries vs Mac's BUT ONION RINGS ARE BETTER THAN PENTIUMS ANY DAY!!!! -- K. "The gun is good, the Pentium is evil..." -- Zardoz ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OH NO! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 06:50:42 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I like to say to make people think I'm a Valley Girl, like "tubular" > > and "vomitrocious". > > > > Which can be combined as "tubifex worms." > > > Tubifex worms are a carrier for the parasite that causes Twirling Disease > in salmon. And in salmonids. Dear Joseph Charles Michael Rotten Bay-otten Brussels Sprouts The Third, I'm sorry, this callback is so obscure that I forgot what I was going to say, and why, and to whom, and when, and whether I would wear pants while not saying it, assuming I remember to forget to say it. > Mmmm, salmonid. "salmonid" is just "p!uowjes" spelled upside down. In Futura Medium. FUTURA MEDIUM, THE OFFICIAL FONT OF SPELLING DISEASED FISH UPSIDE DOWN. -- K. now I must ghoti myself to a rolling doughnut. ON THE MOOOOOON! AHHHH, BURLAP DOOOOORS! AHHHHH, DOUGHNUT MOOOONNNN!!! YOU CRUDDY SHOE FEEF!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Worship me Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 07:10:17 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jim Ferry (jferry@uiuc.edu) wrote: > > My name is James P. Ferry. I think, therefore, I should be > worshipped, and I am. Well, a little. Oh C'mon. Hi, James P. Ferry! Boy, is THAT a dumb name! I suggest you immediately change it to something that won't make people run up to you shouting "HEY JAMES 'KIBO' PARRY, YOU SPELLED YOUR NAME WRONG *AND* YOU'RE A BIG CREEP ALL OVER THE INTERNET! GET OFF MY INTERNET!" I would suggest you endeavour to have your name confused with people who are more respected than I am. Ideas for names cooler than "James P. Ferry": Boba Hope Ted Mugent I NARROWLY AVOIDED USING THE WORD 'LOCUS' BELOW Kim Cattralll | Plutarchimedes Onionium | | O. K. Simpson | <------ world's best-selling cola | ...ON THE PLANET SUCKO! L. Ron Howard | | Adloaf Halter | | Farty Atbuckle | <------ I apologize for that one | and | v Nichard Rixon Also, your name is EXACTLY as close to "Jim Perry", host of TV's "Card Sharks" in the late seventies, as mine is. Thus, somewhere there is an infinitely long line perpendicular to the line segment connecting me to you, passing through its midpoint, and the game-show host is lost somewhere near one of the two ends of that line. I feel that it is very important that we continue to not know where Jim Perry is while maintaining a cordial relationship in which neither of us is actually a game-show host. Gotta go, my lines are getting too short now. Bye! -- K. I think I just gave myself an ASCII wedgie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Opening Day Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 07:17:06 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > Alan Bostick (abostick@netcom.com) writes: > > > > > > Pavarotti is not about equal to Placido Domingo > > > > Well, in a multicenter double-blind study, patients responded about > > as well to Pavarotti treatment as they did when administered a Placido. > > > BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! > > Congrats. First one this month. FRICK: What do you call it when Terri Willis has a B.M. around L.A. ten times? FRACK: Why, I do not know. What do you call it when Terri Willis has a B.M. around L.A. ten times? FRICK: ...I DON'T KNOW EITHER!!! FRACK: Now, cousin, let us do the dance of joy! (both start jumping up and down as they shout together:) FRICK & FRACK: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM HEY HEY HEY!!! (the TV set in the background suddenly begins talking audibly) TV ANNOUNCER: News flash! Los Angeles has been destroyed in a very unpleasant way! More after this ad for cookies! FRICK & FRACK: Yayyyy, cookies! -- K. I apologized for having once mailed a spec script to a sitcom, especially that one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Flaming Fish of Death! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 08:37:22 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Less than a day ago, I wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > One of the teachers I had in the fifth grade liked > > to go on endlessly about how she was a personal acquaintance of the > > sheik of Bahrain. I have no idea whether she was telling the truth or not. > > > > I guess that wasn't much of a story. > > I used to have some postage stamps from Bahrain. WAAH! MATT! WE JUST INADVERTENTLY CAUSED KIBOLOGY TO KILL ANOTHER INNOCENT CELEBRITY! Assuming you call the Emir of Bahrain a celebrity. Which is kind of hard to do because NOW HE'S DEAD!!! Just like Carl Sagan. We're making fun of what a loser he is and THE NEXT DAY HE DIES FOR NO APPARENT REASON!!! People, I have some important suggestions for everyone! PLEASE MAKE FUN OF BOB HOPE MORE OFTEN! AND NEVER MAKE FUN OF ME! -- K. Matt killed the Emir of Bahrain 'cause he wanted his story to have a better ending than "I guess that wasn't much of a story." Now he can end it with "I guess that wasn't much of a story before I killed him." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I am losing my mind part XXXVII Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 09:41:13 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Clememt Cherlim" (cherlin@psynet.net) wrote: > > Beable von Polasm (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [creamy nougat center of this thread.] > > > > > > [You can't spell NOUGAT unless you have NO UGAT!] > > > > So as my token of APPRECIATION for your CONTINUAL FUNNIEST > > PERSON IN THE WOOOORRRRLLLDDD STATUS, I would like to send > > you ALL MY MONEY AND CANDY, NOW AND FOREVER! Would that be > > OK with you? I'M SENDING IT NOW ANYWAY!! CHECK YOUR LETTER > > BOX! > > But you forget! Kibo doesn't HAVE a letter box! He's sooo far beyond the > puny technology of us puny-type-punics that he has a SENTENCE box! Actually, instead of a mailbox, I have one of those giant spherical birdcages with the big crank in the side so that every morning I can make a big deal out of just picking out one lucky winning letter at random, and then the rest get thrown into the furnace to be recycled into pollution. Of course, because the biggest chunks always float to the top, the one envelope I grab tends to be the thickest item in the bunch. This is good because I enjoy leafing through the Yellow Pages for people's names to make fun of, and the Lab Safety Supply catalog is now around 1600 pages. Unfortunately, not enough of them feature the word "diborane". -- K. /\ /6 \ /\ /\ /6 \/6 \ \ /\ / \/ \/ \:P/ \/ ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Two items of interest to me Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 09:56:41 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > [item of interest to David Pacheco deleted, which means that now he's > not allowed to read the current article in any future anthologies] > > [the second item:] > > In other news, in a pitch to reduce negative PR, and taking a page from > the Apple book of advertising, a well-known bacteria has officially > changed its name to "iColi," and now comes in five new colours, > including "Raw Beef Red" and "Eggyolk Yellow." And those oldies but goodies, "Gan Green", "Appendicitis Purple And Bulgy", and "Salmon Salmonella". > Insiders claim that "iBola" is being considered as well. What I want to know is... When is the WebTV going to come in different shades of stupid? -- K. I apologize for having nothing worthwhile to say about either of these items, particularly the earlier, funnier one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.materials,sci.edu,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks,sci.physics From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: first two movies of AP, Good Will Hunting & Pi Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 10:16:40 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.materials and sci.edu, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > The first two movies of Archimedes Plutonium. I am not surprized they > are a 'flame' of me. > > Some persons told me about them because they reminded them of me. So > last week I saw them. Did you go to a theater or did you just close your eyes for a moment like you do with those invisible lawsuits you keep claiming you've filed? > Pi: faith in chaos, 1997, Darren Aronofsky > --- quoting jacket --- > A brilliant mathematician teeters on the brink of insanity as he > searches for an elusive numerical code in this critically acclaimed > schizophrenic thriller! > --- end quote --- > > The movie director must of seen that I have a shaved-bald head and > thus the actor likewise. Yeah! And that actual mathematician guy that the movie is actually based on is copying you too! The coincidence is EERILY STUPID! Speaking of eerily stupid, you should stop retouching all the photos on your Web page to make the pupils of your eyes eight times the size of a normal human's. > The first movies of me will portray me as insane, rather than as a > supergenius. Golly, I am *never* protrayed in movies as being insane, therefore, I'm a supergenius too. *AND* I inspired "Star Wars". > Actually, I sort of got bored while watching Pi, and could not wait > for the next movie of Good Will Hunting, hoping for it to be more > upbeat. > > GOOD WILL HUNTING, 1997, with Robin Williams, director Gus Van Sant, > written by Ben Affleck & Matt Damon. > > This is a movie about a genius math kid who cleans the floors at MIT. > Again, I am the model behind this movie. Um, Arch, you don't go to MIT. And I know they don't HAVE people cleaning the floors. You've clearly never seen what Lobby Seven looks like. > These authors of both these > movies can read my web pages any day of the year and model their movies > around me. So what you're saying is that most movies are based on topless photos of Marina Sirtis, Cheryl Crow, and Dr. Laura, and then there are a lot of movies where the plot is just a guy shouting "404!!!!!", and then there are the movies about your Web page? I got news for you, pal. You can't make a good movie out of a crazy guy's Web page. Hell, I don't think you could even make a good Web page out of your Web page. > At least in Good Will Hunting, Gus Van Sant does not portray > me as bald. So? I can name *hundreds* of movies where NOBODY PORTRAYED ME BALD!!! > Rather, he picks on the fact that I wash pots for Dartmouth > College and turns that into floor cleaning at MIT. He then portrays me > as telling the Fields prize winner mathematician that I have better > things to do with my time than to do his simpleton mathematics. You see, it's obviously a fantasy film. > Both movies portray me with psychological problems, I take that back. It's a documentary. > where in Good Will Hunting, I am forced to see a psychiatrist counselor. AND SHE'S MARINA SIRTIS, TOPLESS!!!! > These are the first two movies of Archimedes Plutonium. But later in > the future they will dispense with the flamethrowing and mudflinging > and depict me as I truly am. Such as this. I think you'd fit better on the small screen. Like the little one-inch black-and-white screen on Martin Landau's "commlock" in "Space: 1999". Unfortunately, your presence would probably lower the degree of scientific accuracy in "Space: 1999". > I enter a room full of people (not unlike Branagh's opening scenes > with HENRY V). Everyone is silent and kneels to the floor. Finally > someone comes over to deliver the latest news. I stretch out my right > arm with hand down, and he kisses my hand as he kneels. I read the news > of the day of science, for I am the King of Science. "Carry on, people" Then people hit you with pies for ten minutes, and then your head explodes and a puppy comes out. The puppy says "It's a living! Arf!" and then the camera pulls back to show the audience watching the movie can see that there's no audience watching the movie. Also, if you look close, you can see the perforations between the frames because the movie is released on special Charmin film stock. -- K. So what's the title? And how many minutes will we have to skip over if we just want to see Marina Sirtis? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.logic,sci.med,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 3.1 Re: Deciding experiment of Prusiner's prion disease Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 10:20:40 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.edu, sci.logic, sci.med, sci.bio.misc, and sci.bio.technology, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > It appears that making a career in science is > disjointed from having an obnoxious personality. Wow! At last something has been PROVEN by Archimedes Plutonium! -- K. The big question is, if Archie lost his elbow in a dishwasher accident, could it make what he types any more disjointed? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.bio.ethology,sci.bio.misc,sci.med,sci.physics.fusion,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dogs are the best for Antarctica Re: ITER, not quite yet jiggered enough, quote from THE LAST PLACE ON EARTH Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 11:35:52 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.bio.ethology, sci.bio.misc, sci.med, sci.energy, and sci.physics.fusion, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Having seen The Last Place On Earth re: Amundsen and Scott, a thought > came to my mind. That dogs have a superlative. They are the best built > animal to take on the hardship of coldness. I suppose a polar bear is > even better. Yes! Yes! Dogs are the bestest animal there is EXCEPT for the ones that are better! GENIUS! GENIUS! I suggest you throw yourself into this line of work by vaulting over the railing that separates you from the polar bears at the zoo. And be sure to wear your salmon-flavored cologne. > There should be a science of biology superlatives where one lists in > an encyclopedia type fashion the superlatives of living creatures. Most Insane Dishwasher Most Often Wrong Roundest Head Wackiest Made-Up Mad Scientist Name Most Likely To Post Stupid Stuff About Dogs In Sci.Physics.Fusion This is a great irony, because we know you'd be listed under dozens of such categories despite the fact that, overall, you're ABSOLUTELY THE VERY LEAST SUPERLATIVE person ever, and I am not exaggerating hyperbolically, I swear on a stack of a million Bibles timesed by infinity. > Can someone quantify this superlativeness of dogs in cold > temperature? Arch, please keep your sex life out of this. > Question: I had heard of an overdose of vit A from eating polar bear > liver by early explorers. In the movie, Amundsen tells his men, do not > eat the liver because of an eskimo saying, never eat what a dog won't > eat. I was going to answer your question, but I can't find it. Have you considered a career in a different field? Preferably one filled with those flowers from "Star Trek" that shoot the poison darts that go "KA-BWOINGGGG!" and instantly kill anyone who's not Vulcan? -- K. Of course, Archie could foil my dastardly plan by changing his name to "Archimedes Spock". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do not fire the incompetent urban public librarian. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 12:10:43 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In soc.libraries.talk, Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > With urban public libraries' institutional cultures as they are the > worse retribution would be to let the incompetent librarian continue > in the urban public library environment! Man, these are the worst Gilbert & Sullivan lyrics I've ever heard. > Raise remuneration and increase responsibility and accountability. (enter several DALEKS.) DALEK #1: EX-TER-MI-NATE! DE-FEN-E-STRATE! MAS-TI-CATE! RE-MUN-ER-ATE! DALEK #2: RAISE RE-MUN-ER-ATION! RE-MUN-ER-ATE! RE-MUN-ER-ATE! DR. WHO: Oh dear, those narsty old Daleks are after me. I think I'll just nip across this double yellow line on the floor. DALEK #1: OUR DE-SIGN FLAWS FOR-BID US FROM CROSS-ING YEL-LOW LINES! DALEK #2: THERE-FORE WE MUST NOW EX-PLODE! DALEK #1: WE ARE NOW EX-PLO-DING! EX-PLO-DING! EX-PLO-DING! (There is a loud electronic "ZOINGGG!" noise accompanied by a throbbing red ellipse superimposed on the screen for five seconds. The red ellipse has a blue halo around it that isn't supposed to be there and destroys the realism.) DR. WHO: Oh no, that gigantic explosion has reversed the polarity of my Dewey Decimal System Compensator! Now all the books in my infinitely large library are sorted in descending order so nobody can find anything! (He turns to face the camera, which ZOOMS IN on his face.) DR. WHO: DON SAKLAD, HELP ME!!! (Sound of a Concorde flying right through the middle of a stereo microphone. ROLL CREDITS over swirly psychedelic pictures of Don Saklad's disembodied head travelling through time.) > Develop funding for faculty type chairs for librarians and their > curatorial projects. I believe Archimedes Plutonium has already invented special faculty-type rocking chairs made out of superstrong spider silk and electric Velcro. -- K. I am so glad I caught the typo and fixed the word "rocking" before posting this. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do not fire the incompetent urban public librarian. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:17:17 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Zork Melinda (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > DALEK #1: EX-TER-MI-NATE! DE-FEN-E-STRATE! MAS-TI-CATE! RE-MUN-ER-ATE! > > Terry Nation died for your puns. > > I hope your satisfied. OH NO! I just did the research and found out that Terry Nation died a whole year ago! I had just thought that my curse was that every celebrity I mentioned died, but now celebrities are dying BEFORE I even mention then on the Internet! * Carl Sagan dies the day after I make fun of him. * Nothing was ever proven about Kurt Cobain or Bob Denver. * Then the Emir of Bahrain dies 24 hours after I mention him the first time. * Stanley Kubrick 12 hours before I repost everything I ever said about him. * And now, Terry Nation dies a year before I mention the Daleks! But, I just don't understand what the deal is with Bob Hope. Maybe I should never have mentioned him, because apparently now they die before I mention them or not at all. Anyway, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to retroactively kill Terry Nation. I've seen every episode of "Blakes 7" (including the one where the accidentally showed the missing apostrophe) and every episode of "Doctor Who", so this proves I'm a good person. (It's not like I'm a "seaQuest DSV" fan.) -- K. I admit it, I've seen every episode of "seaQuest DSV" several times, but I'm not LIKE a "seaQuest DSV" fan. For instance, I never finished assembling my plastic model of the super-sub. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do not fire the incompetent urban public librarian. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 09:06:03 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In soc.libraries.talk and alt.religion.kibology, Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Nothing was ever proven about Kurt Cobain or Bob Denver [regarding > > > Kibo's involvement in their murders.] > > > > During my stay in Seattle; in fact, the night before I left, there > > was a show on public access which consisted largely of an ugly guy > > with a silly beard pointing a camcorder up at himself from arm's > > length, Matt Frewer grew a beard? Wow. Is this for "Lawnmower Headroom III"? In which he wears an "A&W" T-shirt for the whole movie? (Somewhere, Matt McIrvin is about to fail to explain my theory about Matt Frewer's "A&W Root Beer" T-shirt.) > > as he talked in detail about something conspiratorial while, > > assumedly, in public places, since his face took up most of the > > frame. Oh, you were watching "The Postman". May I ask why? > > I found out after several subsequent flippings-through that > > this was apparently supposed to be a photojournalistic piece by > > someone who thought Kurt Cobain was murdered. And a few times he > > went out and asked people whether they thought Courtney Love killed > > him, and after their response it would freeze-frame on their gothish > > faces to complete silence for a few seconds before the documentary > > continued. And apparently part 2 is coming soon. > > > > This is one of the few things I do not wish to acquire for my video > > archive. I want to get a copy just so I can tape the "Baby Huey" live-action movie starring Marcia Brady over it and then throw the tape at the people who wrote that "HomeRuns" commercial where the woman shrieks at the top of her lungs continuously for sixty seconds. > Ah, yes. > This dude has been doing this show .. well, since Kurt Cobain died. I think > he's got a website somewhere, but since I don't give half a patoot, I'm not > going to look it up for you. What is the sound of one patoot tooting? > The title of his show is, in fact, "Kurt Cobain was Murdered". He often > supports his theory by showing clips from such programs as "The X-Files". > He ran for public office here in Shoreline a while back. When he didn't > win, he explained that there was a conspiracy to keep him out of the public > eye. > > I think that perhaps he and Archie should go bowling or something. Do you mean he should go bowling with all of Archie, or just his head? > -Leah I think it would be cool if Leah changed her name to Rilteh Leah so that we could tease Nazis about how whevever we say her name it's almost the same as "Heil Hitler" backwards so somewhere a "Heil Hitler" is being removed from the Universe and Hitler is retroactively becoming less respected in the Nazi community. Then the Nazis would cry because LEAH RUINED NAZIISM FOREVER!!! That would be GOOD. And that's why they'd cry. -- K. So, is Archie's severed head less icky than half a patoot? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do not fire the incompetent urban public librarian. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 08:57:52 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris McGonnell (smeagol@key-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) did it again ... > > > > But, I just don't understand what the deal is with Bob Hope. > > > > Maybe I should never have mentioned him, because apparently now they die > > before I mention them or not at all. > > YOU JUST KILLED JOE DIMAGGIO! YOU BASTARD! > Don't mention B-b H Waah! I accidentally killed a very nice man who invented Mr. Coffee!!! Next you'll tell me that I've killed Tom Carvel, too!!! I SWEAR I WAS ONLY TRYING TO KILL BOB HOPE BY NOT THINKING ABOUT HIM ALL DAY!!! -- K. He wants you to. So that's a good reason not to. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Is Applied Physics Letters prestigious enough? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 12:17:18 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics, Anonymous (nobody@replay.com) wrote: > > Is Applied Physics Letters prestigious enough to publish a Nobel prize > winning paper? If not, which journal would you recommend? Dear Archimedes Anonymousium, Have you considered Applied Sticky Papers, from the producers of the "3-2-1-ContactPaper" TV series? They have a large amount of backing. (They're adapting to the changing academic world -- currently they're trying to reposition their journal, but first they have to scrape it off with a razor blade.) Also, you didn't say how the Nobel Committee (part of NASA) knew to whom to give the prize, as you're completely anonymous and all that. -- K. And besides, I'm sure having a Nobel prize would be completely meaningless if you published your paper in a second-rate journal. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Stanley Kubrick's "A Kibological Orange" (part 1) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:01:14 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor As usual, when a celebrity I've heard of has just died, I'm going to repost just about everything I've ever written that mentions him. Anyway, he was the guy whose movies always had six or seven scenes you just couldn't shake -- the monkey throwing the bone, Slim Pickens riding the bomb, Jack Nicholson yelling "Here's Johnny!", Malcolm McDowell with clamps on his eyelids, the rectangular black slab loom over the deathbed, Peter Sellers yelling "Mein FŸrher, I can valk!", the soldiers chanting the "Mickey Mouse Club" theme, and Corporal Bat-Guano saying "If you try any preversions in there, I'll blow your head off!" Most filmmakers are lucky if they come up with one of those scenes in one of their films. There are very few things which become embedded so deeply in our culture's shared memory as these images which populated ever one of Kubrick's films. Unfortunately, he didn't have the chance to finish his final film -- and his one science-fiction film since 1971 -- "A.I.". ("Eyes Wide Shut" has been completed and will be released in a couple months. We'll know he was a genius if it turns out to be a good film despite starring Tom Cruise and non-actress Nicole Kidman.) He had a knack for satire -- "Dr. Strangelove" is still funny and terrifying no matter how many times you've seen it -- and for making good films out of things that seem impossible to make films of any sort out of. For instance, could anyone else have done "A Clockwork Orange" that well? Who else could have made "2001" so respected despite the fact that it contains almost no dialogue and no characters (except a computer)? Who else could have pulled off a riotously funny comedy about nuclear war? Who could match his battle scenes with thousands of extras in "Spartacus"? Has anyone else ever made a haunted-house story as creepy as "The Shining"? He could take ideas that would _never_ seem to work if you heard them described to you ("and then it ends with the hero dying on the cross with his wife saying 'Please die, my darling!" ... "and then the elevator doors open up and blood comes out!" ... "and then he's in a hotel room in outer space with a big black rectangle!" ... "and then Malcolm McDowell hits the lady with a giant ceramic penis!") and somehow overcome such challenges -- Kubrick aimed high, and it's surprising that he didn't have too many disasters. Stanley Kubrick, dead at 70. Soon to be buried in a coffin of the exact proportions: one by four by nine. And now, a run-down of nearly ever mention of Kubrick (by me) throughout the history of alt.religion.kibology. (Several parts, best viewed on a really, really wide screen.) -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: TWO DAMN IMAGES!!!! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 08:40:39 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 2973 centons, 63 microns, .02 zontars Two ideas just came to me... and they won't go away. 1.) The official Stanley Kubrick chess set, designed and produced by Mr. Kubrick himself. All the squares would be glowing white plastic, except for four shiny black ones arranged in a perfect asymmetric balance. The pieces would squeak when you moved them. There would be a light bulb in front of the most interesting square. Your opponent, wearing a brown tie, would hold very still. The board would be really long and narrow and you'd have to look at it through a fisheye lens. For three hours. 2.) What if Bob Hope had Bob Barker's Plinko Stick? We must kill Bob Hope before this happens or he will destroy the world. HELP MAKE THE WORLD HOPELESS!!! -- K. plink plink plink thermonuclear devastation STANLEY KUBRICK MUST KILL BOB HOPE!!! ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.sf.movies From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 31 Dec 2000 ? Followup-To: rec.arts.sf.movies,alt.religion.kibology Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Fri, 15 Apr 1994 11:40:49 GMT In sci.astro article <1994Apr14.125959.214@nsrvan.van.wa.us>, wrote: > > Ever wonder why the book was titled > > 2001: A Space Odyssey > and not > 2000: A Space Odyssey > ??? I asked my friend Stanley Kubrick (who ghostwrites all of Arthur C. Clarke's novels now) about this, and he said that the original screenplay was titled "2000: A Space Odyssey". However, Al Eisen, inventor of 2000 Flushes(R) cleanser, which lasts up to four months, sued him. Kubrik retaliated by basing the character of Dr. Strangelove, the mad inventor, on Al Eisen. Edward Teller was such a big fan of that character that he decided to model his life on the fictional character. I'm a big fan of the movie because it has the best zero-gravity effects--indeed, the only good ones--ever filmed; this is because key scenes were shot at that special anti-gravity chamber at NASA headquarters in the Pentagon, where just a touch of a switch will make you float around, and you get ten thousand times stronger, just like an ant. In fact, the opening sequence of "2001" originally had giant ants throwing a bone into the air, but Kubrick decided that at his level of complete realism this scene was too scary for most audiences and so substituted "wacky" ape costumes in an attempt to add some comic relief. Followups to rec.arts.sf.movies. Hey, has anyone seen Kubrick's new TV series, "seaQuest DSV"? -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.movies,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 31 Dec 2000 ? From: dubuque@husc7.harvard.edu (Peter Dubuque) Date: 16 Apr 94 02:07:12 GMT <1994Apr14.125959.214@nsrvan.van.wa.us> <2omgbb$ncq@bruce.uncg.edu> Organization: Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts windsorr@hamlet.uncg.edu (Ryan Windsor) writes: >James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: >: In sci.astro article <1994Apr14.125959.214@nsrvan.van.wa.us>, >: wrote: >: > >: > Ever wonder why the book was titled >: > >: > 2001: A Space Odyssey >: > and not >: > 2000: A Space Odyssey >: > ??? >: I asked my friend Stanley Kubrick (who ghostwrites all of Arthur C. >: Clarke's novels now) about this, and he said that the original >: screenplay was titled "2000: A Space Odyssey". However, Al Eisen, >: inventor of 2000 Flushes(R) cleanser, which lasts up to four months, >: sued him. >: Kubrik retaliated by basing the character of Dr. Strangelove, the mad >: inventor, on Al Eisen. Edward Teller was such a big fan of that >: character that he decided to model his life on the fictional character. >: I'm a big fan of the movie because it has the best zero-gravity >: effects--indeed, the only good ones--ever filmed; this is because key >: scenes were shot at that special anti-gravity chamber at NASA >: headquarters in the Pentagon, where just a touch of a switch will make >: you float around, and you get ten thousand times stronger, just like an ant. >: In fact, the opening sequence of "2001" originally had giant ants >: throwing a bone into the air, but Kubrick decided that at his level of >: complete realism this scene was too scary for most audiences and so >: substituted "wacky" ape costumes in an attempt to add some comic relief. >: Followups to rec.arts.sf.movies. Hey, has anyone seen Kubrick's new TV >: series, "seaQuest DSV"? > : >Okay, time for our prozac,junior. For the rest of you, the zero grav was >shot on a soundstage using a puppeteer style wire system and the planets >and moon backgrounds were, believe or don't, photoprahs. ^^^^^^^^^^ You mispelled 'fat oprahs'. -- _______________________________________________________________________ Peter F. Dubuque dubuque@husc.harvard.edu Everyone has some redeeming quality...their mortality, if nothing else. _______________________________________________________________________ ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.science From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Unprotected man in vacuum. What happens? Keywords: vacuum, biology, pressure, space Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Thu, 19 May 1994 09:01:13 GMT In sci.physics article , Joshua B. Rehman wrote: > Pardon me if this does not come out right -- it is my first post. I have alwa yswondered if Hollywood accurately portrays the phisiological repercussions. Wo uld your eye's bulge? Where is there any pressure differential that would cause this (except for air in one's lungs)? > My personal guess is that you would hemmorage severely, and perhaps the gases in your blood would desaturate and bubble, causing more damage. But else would one be affected? I am sure that the government has spent some time on this question -- perhaps someone could direct me toward their data? Josh-- you probably should be pushing 'Return' after every 75 characters or so to keep the long lines going off the edge of some people's screens. You might also want to try asking alt.folklore.science, they're big on exploding body parts. Hey, I bet the reason the Army is collecting secret data on WHAT HAPPENS IN A VACUUM is so that they can make a SECRET NEW WEAPON THAT SHOOTS A VACUUM AT YOU TO MAKE YOUR HEAD EXPLODE!!!! (I was told this by one of the generals of NASA while he was showing me the zero-gravity chamber in the NASA wing of the Pentagon. Steven Spielberg filmed most of _2001_ in there.) <-- as a favor to the new guy, I will put in this arrow as my way of saying "Hey, Josh, watch the serious people patiently explain to me that Steven Spielberg actually filmed _2001_ in a movie studio in London!") -- K. Unlike _2010_, which was filmed in actual outer space by the Voyager 6 probe before it fell into a black hole and went to another galaxy! ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.science From: pherble@cscns.com (Jim "Pherble" Tyler) Subject: Re: Unprotected man in vacuum. What happens? Followup-To: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.science Organization: CNS On-line Services (800-592-1240 customer service) Date: Sat, 21 May 1994 04:56:45 GMT St-Onge Louis (stongel@ERE.UMontreal.CA) wrote: < >(I was told this by one of the generals of NASA while he was showing me < >the zero-gravity chamber in the NASA wing of the Pentagon. Steven < >Spielberg filmed most of _2001_ in there.) <-- as a favor to the new guy, < >I will put in this arrow as my way of saying "Hey, Josh, watch the serious < >people patiently explain to me that Steven Spielberg actually filmed < >_2001_ in a movie studio in London!") < > -- K. < To my knowledge, _2001_ is a Stanley Kubrick movie... Hey! Two hits!. I should try that Science Fiction bait. -- -Pherble- ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I have sinned. Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Sun, 22 May 1994 09:39:28 GMT In alt.folklore.urban article <2rgksn$hgj@emoryu1.cc.emory.edu>, Malinda McCall wrote: > > I believe that, in three whole posts to AFU, I forgot the cardinal > rule against smileys and emoticons and used some. > [...] > Somewhere, however, Kibo is smiling.... > and it looks like a colon and a close parenthesis only slightly. That's because I'm wearing my EVIL CLOWN MAKEUP as I prepare to go out and TROLL NEWBIES into a GIANT H FIGHT with my good pal STANLEY KUBRICK. > /\_/\ > ( 0.0 ) > > U < My word, that Tie Fighter's open to space at the bottom! Darth's head will explode in the vacuum! He'd better put on a space helmet or something. -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 03:33:00 -0400 From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: seaQuest Funpoll Organization: Kibo's DEC Gamma 350 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest,alt.folklore.computers X-Kibo-Machine: Living Room Bottom Right (A copy of this message has also been posted to the following Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.seaquest,alt.folklore.computers) In article , mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matthew J. McIrvin) wrote: >In article , kibo@world.std.com (James >"Kibo" Parry) wrote: > >> [apologies if you've already seen the (cancelled) copy of this I posted >> earlier--the news server ate the only interesting sentence in my post.] > >Your post was CANCELLED???? I thought it was just on HIATUS! It was a HIATUS HERNIA (electric organ music sting). Doctor, will I ever be able to play the piano while watching a new episode of seaQuest DSV again? >> The pilot episode for "Space: 1999: Year 3: The Star Of Science >> Television", by the way, aired on TV in Canada as "The Shape Of Things To >> Come" by Harlan Ellison. I liked where Jack Palance got embarassed because >> his hat was bigger than Barry Morse's whole body. >> >> Matt McIrvin will now untangle the metarefs. > >What metarefs? None of this is true! I think he's MAKING STUFF UP! This >is actually a sly, convoluted reference to seaQuest DSV episode II-39a >(i), "The Thing of Shapes to Come," in which special guests Harlan Ellison >and Yul Brynner play unstoppable killer robots sent through time from 1945 >using the Trinity Site explosion, because they have to tell the seaQuest >to go back to 1941 through a "silver hole" and warn everyone about Pearl >Harbor, only they're really Nazi killer robots that don't want the US to >enter the war and they change history (because the steam-powered hologram, >affectionately named "Blank Reg," tells them where the backup bridge is), >and Lucas has to steal Garrett Graham's Stealth bomber and ride on a giant >tumbling time cookie with Darwin. And then Bob Ballard tells you to write >in if you know the ending, because the story involves... THE TIME ELEMENT. You misspelled "Jeffrey Jones". >> Nor did they have Gypsy driving around in a cool car filled with hundreds >> of ventriloquist dummies shaped like Leslie Nielsen. >> >> MAAAAAATT! > >I refuse to explain this one. Too bad. Too bad. Really too bad. I'll give you a hint. Two words: Panty Cat. >> Oh, come on, he's talented. After all, he wrote "Alien" and "Total >> Recall", and he drew that cool crosshair that shows up in the "Star Wars" >> arcade game from Atari Games Corp. Really, I read it in Forrest Ackerman's >> "Cinefexplosiomonsterminationucleartpuckythemousebeaver". >> >> MAAAAAAAAAAATT!!!! > >This is the firstime I ever heard of Rocknedanobannon's appearance in >Forrackerman's magabookatronifiction. But I suspect you'referring >obliquely to the only seaQuepisode written by Stanislaw Lem, "The >Invincible Krill," in which secret jeangenetexperiments create a race of >microbotoscopic metal krill that attack the seaQuest's bio-armor with a >biocatalytic stream of neutrinos that resurrects the ghost of Bridger's >dead wife and creates an evil simulation of Bridger's brain that they trap >in the Aviary That Neighed, preventing a selenoclasm triggered by a >luminal supercomputer of the 40th binasty at the Highest Possible Level of >Development. It was translated from the original Kirghiz by Ackerman's >wife Wendy Lou with the help of a team of 56 sweatshop workers, a deranged >ex-astronaut, and a wind-up robot named Roderick. This leads to a scene where Roddy McDowall releases himself. > The people of the world >must band together to prevent the outrage of people writing stories about >krill! How finny 'tis beneath the waves. > >> But Roddy McDowall was the best of the three actors who played Dr. Smith. >> >> MAAAAATT!!!! > >You're confusing "Lassie" with Ivan Tors' heartwarming dolphin show, >"Science Fiction Theater." That show was fiction. It did not happen. >Could it have happened? Scientists are working even today to find out. Matt, they FINISHED LAST YEAR. They MATHEMATICALLY ELIMINATED THE POSSIBILITY THAT WE WILL EVER AGAIN HAVE TELEVISION. Get OVER it. >> Michael Ironside, so that I could attach a Silly Straw from the hole in >> his forehead to the hole in Michael O'Hare's forehead and cause Commander >> Riker great confusion. MAAAAAATT!!!!! > >It's a little-known fact that Michael Ironside, Michael O'Hare, and >Jonathan Frakes were conjoined identical triplets. After separation, >they were known as the "Miracle Babies of Pocatello." Since then, >they've had a deep psychic rapport, which convinced O'Hare that he had >a hole in his mind, Frakes that he needed to explore the Paranormal >Borderline, and Ironside that his head was detachable and would fly >off at the slightest touch with the help of an actuating piston. The >deep feeling of isolation that the separation caused in Ironside also >engendered the phrase "There can be only one!" I hear that in next week's episode a Transporter accident merges Bridger and Darwin into Bridwin95, a talking dolphin who keeps calling the writers idiots. >> That mean ol' President Clinton for invading that other country during the >> two-hour premiere episode because he knew we'd all be tuned in that night. > >Just like Nixon used to give the State of the Union address from the >set of "Rowan Atkinson's Bean-In." That wasn't Nixon. It was his dog, Chimpie. >> Claudia Christian. Except I wouldn't give Ed Harris's big "YOU'VE NEVER >> GIVEN UP ON ANYTHING BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE SO LIVE DAMMIT LIVE!!!!!" speech. >> Did you know he once starred in a movie where he drove a talking black >> Trans Am and whipped himself silly? MAAAAAAAAATT!!!! > >"Kitt, I Think we're Trapped under 200 Tons of Cosmetic Lava! The Coastal >Cities must be Flooded in the Extra Long Version to create a Born-Again >Earth! Failure is not an option! No boom today! Boom tomorrow!" You missed my point. I was alluding to the fact that Ed Bishop changed his name to Ed Harris after he did that puppet show for that British guy, Stanley Kubrick. (This is obviously a troll because all UFO and Captain Scarlet fans know that Ed Bishop could not ever have had a role in '2001', the first movie to actually be filmed outside our galaxy.) >"Michael, if we charge $25 admission to King Richard's Faire and then beg >for tips, maybe we can buy the day-care center back from the evil >landlord!" > >Next week on JAG:seaQuest, The Next Generation! 34% new footage! What I like about JAG and JAG II is the way the file has four times the original resolution after I double-click on the little cheetah. <--- (DON'T LOOK AT THE RAY DREAM INCORPORATED PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!!!) >> When Lucas smashed the sticks that powered the giant cardboard computer >> that he was madly in love with after it caused them to change the future >> which destroyed the past because they had gone through the underwater >> black hole to a world where giant robots have destroyed civilization >> because people used virtual reality instead of having sex. Matt will >> present a certificate of authenticity that this was an actual episode. > >In[4]:= PrimeQCertificate[23985493919990351] > >Out[4]:= {43523, 67, {32321, 2, 3, {47}}, {7, {{{3, 2, 3}, 3, 2, 5}}, 5}, > 644, 3, 3, 721}}}}}}}}}}, 3, 2}}}, 2}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} > >THIS IS THE MOST OBSCURE JOKE IN THIS WHOLE POST. Stop using wimpy programming languages and move up to something with POWER: Pong(R) Game (Ball & Paddle) 1 Hor1 <- Hor1 + Key 2 Hor2 <- Hor2 + 8 3 Ver2 <- Ver2 - 3 4 If Hit Then Ver 2 <- 99, Note <- 7 5 Goto 1 The first person to port this to the BeBox will win a special prize. (It should be easy: each of the two processors can control one of the only two pixels in the graphics window.) As to what OS this was originally written for, I'll just mention that to program in BASIC, you had to unplug the joystick to plug in the twelve-button keypad. It could store up to nine lines of code. -- K. P.S. I'm posting this through Game*Line, with the joystick. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// [1991-era fragment from "Spot In Space", filmed by Kubrick] Spot woke up in a Howard Johnson's hotel. There was a big black monolith towering over him! It was making weird noises like Enya played backwards. He reached out to touch the slab, and... it fell on him. Then Time went into an endless loop, and it all happened again, including the part where Spot's lungs turned inside out. The laws of physics were so unfair to Spot! He cried as his life flashed behind his eyes, forever. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Stanley Kubrick's "A Kibological Orange" (part 2) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:23:51 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Part two of my tribute to the late Stanley Kubrick. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.taco-bell From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Tubby Sponges Date: Sun, 10 May 1998 08:07:01 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8162 centons, 89 microns, .02 abians Organization: welcome datacomp moe@Radix.Net (Ted Frank) wrote: > > [rant about bad movies deleted] > > Which brings me to Bulworth. > > They put the utterly grotesque Bulworth logo on the Beverly Center the > other week; I commented to Kia upon its ugliness. Yeah, the Beverly Center is pretty ugly. Especially when Anne Heche is standing in front of it (to lay the charges that explode the nonexistent building across the street so that the little boy can stand under it crying and the girl sees him and runs over and grabs him and then they both stand there crying and Tommy Lee "Interchangeable With Harrison Ford" Jones sees the building falling on them and he runs over and grabs them and then they all stand there like idiots and the building falls on them and they're all okay but at least he kept them from getting dusty, and then Anne Heche's face pops up center screen again and the screen cracks. I'll confess: I didn't feel one way or another about Ellen DeGeneres, funny standup comedian trapped on an unfunny sitcom, until she announced she was a lesbian. Then I realized I had a mild case of the hots for her. Then I found out she's dating Anne Heche, and now I can't stand either of them because Ellen obviously only dates ugly people. And she's a lesbian. So the second part would keep her from dating me. > K: "What *is* Bulworth?" > T: "It's a movie about an aging senator who becomes a rap star." > K: "Stop trolling me." > T: "No, really, it's a movie designed to alienate as many people as > possible. That was Roger Ebert's theory regarding "Frozen Assets", the _other_, _worse_ sperm-bank comedy film that came out as the same time as Ted Danson's/Whoopi Goldberg's awful sperm-bank comedy. "Frozen Assets", starring Corbin Bernsen as a sleazy executive at a sperrrrm bank, only he doesn't know it's a sperrrrrrm bank, is a movie you could only enjoy if you simply giggle every time you hear the word "sperrrrrrrrrrm". So as Ebert pointed out, it would appear to those six-year-olds who can sit through tedious movies about bank embezllers. My personal favorite movie with no possible audience segment is "Bugsy Malone", the all-singing all-dancing Mafia musical... with an all-pre-teen cast (led by Scott Baio!) The kids drive around in miniature Depression-era cars powered by pedals, and they have these "splurge guns" that shoot white glop at each other, and then it harden and turns them into mummies. No grownup could POSSIBLY watch this movie. No child could POSSIBLY sit through it. That's how my movie ratings system works: **** -- Everyone will like it, except for a few cranks. "Citizen Kane", etc. *** -- It's likely that a normal person will like it. This is as good as Star Trek or James Bond films can get. ** -- Bad, but there are a few slow people who will enjoy it. "Waterworld". * -- Nobody could POSSIBLY enjoy it. I.e. "Tank Girl". And the second axis is the little nuclear bomb icon, for those special movies we talk about on a.r.k: (boom)(boom)(boom) -- Everyone, even people who don't "get" irony, will laugh at the unintentional humor. I.e. "Plan 9 From Outer Space". (boom)(boom) -- Any astute movie fan with a functional sense of humor will giggle constantly for ninety minutes. "Star Trek 5". (boom) -- Serious devotees of bad films will find something to make fun of in the background of one scene. So we have an intentional entertainment axis and an unintentional entertainment axis. A movie that gets one star and no bomb is "nobody will like this under any circumstances". The best cases, of course, are four stars and no bombs, or one star and three bombs. Unfortunately, there do not seem to be any cases of four-star films getting multiple bombs. It would be great if Stanley Kubrick would hit his head on the camera crane and make a four-star-three-bomb-stravagza. > Any of the baby boomers are going to want to avoid it because > of the horrid urban soundtrack. And if Warren Beatty couldn't bring in > the youth crowd when he was shtupping Madonna, he isn't going to do it by > pretending to rap." > K: "Stop trolling me." > > Beatty is associated with "Ishtar," which is unfairly regarded as a > horrible movie. It was certainly an overexpensive and not especially > good tribute to the Hope-Crosby "Road" movies, Wouldn't a really bad movie be the PROPER tribute to the lame Bob Hope canon? Ever TRIED to watch a Bob Hope movie? I recommend starting with "Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Number!", one of the few that at least gets a bomb. For Phyllis Diller's inept attempts at overacting, and of course my favorite, the "PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS" scene. > but it wasn't "The > Postman" by any stretch of the imagination. But one of the things most > notable about it was how *bad* Hoffman and Beatty were in singing. So > why a movie featuring Beatty doing nothing but? In a leftist political > satire, no less? Okay. Suppose Kevin Costner as The Postman sang. What would he sing, and what would the title be? "THE POSTMAN ALWAYS SINGS TWICE" comes to mind, but it would need a subtitle to make it extra-serious: "A SERIOUS MOTION PICTURE EXPERIENCE". > I can't imagine this movie being anything less than a disaster. When the > comment of Dr. Gates -- who, as a liberal African-American intellectual > of a certain age, is almost certainly the ideal demographic -- is > that Beatty "sounds more like Dr. Seuss than Dr. Dre'," the writing is on > the wall. > > Then again, a studio executive that would commit $30 million on the > cliche' "Man with life insurance policy puts contract out on self, then > changes mind" deserves whatever they get. I sense a Fox sitcom pilot in the works. Every week, a different inept hitman would try to kill C. Thomas Howell, and every week he'd ineptly avoid the inept hitmen with the help of C. C. H. Pounder as a mysterious FBI agent! > With Costner, at least, you > salve his ego, and he might give you another "Dances With Wolves" down > the line, so you blow the money on the sure-fire bomb. But Beatty? Well, you could at least get another "Dick Tracy". You know, the movie where every five minutes they stopped the film and a Disney executive came out and said "HEY, DID YOU HEAR THERE ARE ONLY SEVEN COLORS IN HERE YET?" for a total of sixteen times during the film. And, of course, I spent the whole time just sitting there shouting "That stripe on his necktie's yellowish-orange! His shoes are a different brown! The cardboard sky has a gradient painted on it!" > The sad thing is that if a right-wing Hollywooder -- Stallone or Heston, > say -- pulled nonsense like this, they'd be ridiculed. Cf. the Rambo > movies, one of which bothered to be a moderately entertaining example of > the comic-book-action-movie genre. But because Beatty's movie pushes the > politically correct buttons, it's getting press for its "intellectual > subtlety" for its pious wrongheaded platitudes, just as the mildly > humorous but heavyhanded "Bob Roberts" was lionized for "biting satire." > And when "Bulworth" fails, it will be because it was "ahead of its time," > rather than because audiences didn't buy the malarkey. So how about if a Scientologist, say John Travolta, were to make a wacky comedy about a bumbling, boozing, womanizing President, who had Clinton hair and talked like Clinton and slept with Gennifer Flowers, what would happen then? I think that would be a good idea for a movie, but only if Clinton and Travolta got into that face-changing machine from "Face/Off" so that Clinton could infiltrate the Church of Scientology and blow away L. Ron Hubbard (Rutger Hauer). > Don't buy into the hype. Start making fun of "Bulworth" today. I like the way Beatty mumbles all his lines unintelligibly. And hey, it's a comedy about a total idiot that nobody realizes is a total idiot! You know, like "The Cable Guy". > NOT FUNNY: Bulworth. > STILL NOT FUNNY: Bulworth the Clown. > FUNNY: Bulworth the Clown the Clown. DEFINITELY NOT FUNNY: "The Cable Guy the Clown the Clown the Clown the Clown." > -- T. > Now, if they had given Beatty > a bright yellow raincoat, and had > him solving crimes, *then* you might > have something. If he has a wacky > next-door neighbor. And a tar pit in his living room, and stock footage of a chimp blowing a raspberry. And Fred Williard would play himself. -- K. Ah, Fred Williard, he classes up any sitcom. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Infomercials (was Re: Beable.) Date: Sun, 24 May 1998 05:34:33 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 7002 centons, 63 microns, .05 lenorts Organization: welcome datacomp Arab Network America (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Press Your Luck. Watch the early episodes where the board is > > completely non-random, [...] then they yanked the show off the air > > and bought a random number generator. > > Saddest, Most Shameful Confession: > When I was a little kid, I submitted my drawing of a Whammy for > publication in the "Our Pages" section of Highlights magazine[1]. Or maybe > it was a drawing of the 'Noid. In either case, it never got published. If > it had been, it would have undoubtedly been printed at such a scale that > you would be unable to tell what it was anyway. Send me a drawing of a Whammy and I *promise* I'll print it in a forthcoming alt.religion.kibology anthology REALLY BIG. > The first time I ever appeared in print was when I was 12. You were a semicolon. Later on you got promoted to full colon. Then, disaster struck: the guy who was the 78th "e" on page 91 got sick and you filled in for him... unfortunately, you got into the wrong position and "quite" became "quiet", and the soldier reading the instructions saw that the grenades were quiet explosive, so he held one up to his ear, and that's why they cancelled the Beetle Bailey strip after that solid red panel in the last one. > My older brother what lives in New York submitted a cartoon of mine to the > Yankee Trader where it was published as the "Picture of the Week" in the > Kids' Stuff section (I was probably pushing the age limit for Kids' Stuff.) Yep, you were at that awkward age -- too old to have your drawings printed on the kiddie page but still too young to see Kubrick's "Lolita". I think everything should be clearly marked JUST FOR KIDZ! or ADULTS ONLY! so that teenagers will be forced to spend several years staring at the wall in an empty room until they decide whether they're still kids or have grown up. ALSO ONLY SENIOR CITIZENS WILL BE ALLOWED TO LISTEN TO RAP MUSIC!!! Know what's gonna be sad? Around 2050 there will be all these elderly people listening to rap music. > It depicted a mime doing a "glass box" routine on a stage in front of a row > of docile prisoners (just seen as backs of heads,) with a poster reading > "Sanford Prison Presents: Gwendilin (sic) the Mime. 8:30, Entertainment > Tonite!" taped up onto the bleak cinderblock backdrop. Seinfeld stole my > idea... and really squandered it! I've often wondered how smart mimes can be if they keep getting trapped in their own boxes. And why don't they put some big yellow safety dots on the invisible boxes like they do with supermarket doors to keep birds from flying through the supermarket? Mimes are uncreative anyway. Did you ever see one get trapped in an invisible toaster or an invisible newspaper recycling plant or an invisible hemorrhoid doughnut? Oh, no. They'd NEVER leave the saefty of their NORMAL, PREDICTABLE INVISIBLE RECTANGULAR HEXAHEDRON. Just once I'd like to see a mime trapped in any other regular polyhedron! The rhombic tricontahedron! The great stellated icosahedron! The snub dodecahedron! But nooooo, mimes can only get themselves out of rectangular boxes after the show's over. Every time they try miming from inside a truncated tetrahedron, they die of PRETEND SUFFOCATION. > The attribution to the POTW claims I'm from "Poquott"; a city I've never > heard of anywhere else. I think you labelled it "ttonbod" and they read it upside down. "ttonbod", of course, is short for "tattoo on body". You see, Gwendilin the mime was PRETENDING SHE HAD A TATTOO!!! BTW, "Gwendilin" is a very good Dungeons & Dragons name for a half-elf level 7 mime. > > *MY* favorites are Magnificent Marble Machine (especially the > > episode where the guy splits his pants, and the episode where > > the ball breaks in half) [...] > > But Kibo, those are *everybody's* favorite episodes. Then why didn't "Seinfeld" end like we all wanted, by having Jerry Seinfeld spin the big wheel to see what he'd win if he got all three digits in the price of the dinette set in the right order? 0 1 9 Remember, there are six possibilities! > [1] Speaking of Highlights, there was a Timbertons cartoon where the kids > are looking forlorn out the window, expressing sadness that they are > unable to go outside because it is snowing. Then the dad says something to > the effect of "Don't worry, even though it's snowing outside, there are > still plenty of fun things we could do *IN*side." Like read "Highlights For Children"! "We love reading about Goofus & Gallant, Pop!" GOOFUS doesn't read "Goofus & Gallant". GALLANT reads "Goofus & Gallant"! GOOFUS sneezes. GALLANT never sneezes! GOOFUS never eats vegetables. GALLANT only eats vegetables! GOOFUS watches TV. GALLANT never watches TV, except for "The Highlights Power Hour"! GOOFUS loses all his money in Vegas. GALLANT wins lots of money in Vegas! > By the time we get to the final panel, the children are agreeing with > The Old Man that- yes- even if it's snowing ouside[2], there are still > plenty of fun things to do inside. Macrame! Making a crystal radio! Learning how to use a goniometer to determine the crystal structure of plagioclase! Getting trapped in an invisible plagoclase crystal! > I remember being confused about this as a child; as an adult I am still > unsure if this avoidance of snow is supposed to reflect some greater human > truth in the mind of the author or if we're just supposed to sympathize > with the way the Timbertons find strength in family when something like a > snowfall- mundane as it is to us- is a matter of life and death to a > family made of untreated wood. > > [2] "*What's* snowing outside?" Of couse, if we were speaking Nootka, we > would be asking that about just about every sentence... or wouldn't be. > Much like one spoken of in Tlšn Uqbar (although I doubt Borges knew of the > actual existance of such a language, or else he wouldn't have described it > as being a language in an imaginary world,) the language spoken by the > American Indians on Vancouver Island has no nouns per se; everything is > instead spoken of as a happening or a duration. My sister and I have been > racking our brains to come up with the word for words like "drawing", > "being", "gosling", and "happening"- words in English where a similar > principle is at work- to no avail. I prefer languages without any syntax. You know, like TV Newscaster English Of The Future. > Find the pedantic paragraph in this post(ing) and wind BIG MONEY! You know, "gerund" comes from the Latin words "geriatric", "underwear", and "goniometer". -- K. When I was a kid I had a goniometer. I was the only one. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.wired,alt.society.generation-x.ls-bumgarner From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kibological Web Pages X-Hello-To: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 24 Jun 1998 03:05:03 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 4721 centons, 63 microns, .02 rouettes Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.religion.kibology, alt.wired, and alt.society.generation-x.ls-bumgarner [gee, Lee, if that newsgroup name were any longer it would be TOO LONG.] in article , [Lee, your Message-ID's so wide that it makes Kubrick films look like the secret-camera view of your bedroom through the slots in your electrical outlet.] Shelton Garner (lee_s_bumgarner@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > I think of it as the Lee Bumgarner of Kibological web pages. I mean to add > > a really long message ID at some point in the future. Which leads me to > > wonder, would a link to Lee's page be appropriate? > > Stop using using me as a meme! I'll, like, mutate and stuff. I hear that in Spanish, "nova" means "Send beer pull-tabs to Procter & Gamble to raise money to save Lee Bumgarner from skin suffocation." PLEASE FAX THIS TO EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD. THIS IS COMPLETELY LEGAL AS LONG AS YOU FAX IT WITHIN 24 HOURS. > Besides, if I ever get around to writing (er begging for the chance to > do it) my daily online column for the paper, you'll be able to link to THAT! I didn't realize that The Electric Company magazine had gone daily. Why does it have to be a daily column if it's on the Web? You could just put up one and leave it there for two or three years. In fact, you could leave your page blank for years, and nobody would be mad provided you're polite enough to put up a big "UNDER CONSTRUCTION" animated logo in place of any actual content. People like those better than stuff. -- K. I like stuff better than people. P.S. When I was typing "kibology" my right hand slipped off the home row and it came out "kinolohu". That's almost as dumb a name as "Diamond Head". ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: If I Controlled TV Date: Fri, 7 Aug 1998 21:42:12 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > If I controlled TV there would be many changes. Here are a few. > > 1) The GIJOE station. It'll run all the GIJOE cartoons most of the time. On > Sundays it will run the crappy 'Extreme GIJOE' series so drunk people can make > fun of it. When it is not showing cartoons, it will have cool looking people > sitting in warehouses discussing GIJOE and creating elaborate scenes with gobs > and gobs of Joe toys. They'll set up Joe action figures too and they won't use > those stupid platforms. They'll get the Joes to stand on their own two feet, > dammit. > [...] > 5) The few stations that I allow to be normal will be interupted about once a > day with ten minute montages of Green Beret soldiers, suited up and ready for > action. But they'll be swinging on swings. So you're saying that the G. I. Joe cartoons have action in them other than the two-dimensional action figures sitting on things while the camera rocks back and forth mechanically to make them look like they're swinging? You, sir or madam, have a lot of growing up to do. BARBIE CAN KICK G. I. JOE'S BUTT ANY DAY 'CAUSE BARBIE IS AVAILABLE IN A MILITARY UNIFORM *OR* A DRESS SO SHE'S TWICE AS VERSATILE AS G. I. JOE! ALSO IT'S A LOT HARDER TO GET HER CLOTHES BACK ON WHICH PROVES HER BODY IS MORE MUSCULAR! -- K. I'm hoping that Stanley Kubrick will make a war movie where Lots42, played by Tony Curtis, is searching the battlefield rubble and he finds these two tiny dog tags and bursts into tears and says, "I love you, G. I. Joe!" And then they'd show women wearing Hajime Sorayama's Roman centurion outfit playing on swings for three hours. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: AOL in my Chex cereal! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.cereal Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 18:14:09 GMT Lance Olkovick (lolkovic@sfu.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In [news.admin.net-abuse.usenet/email], chris@greenapple.com wrote: > > > > > > AOL has a rather interesting new marketing tool -I found a CD in > > > the box of Corn Chex that I purchased today! > > What were they thinking?! That could be dangerous! If I were you, I'd > swallow the CD whole, then I'd SUE THE BASTARDS! (AOL, that is; don't > sue General Mills, the makers of Chex, CDs, and other fine breakfast > products.) But first use a magic marker to color the edges of your stomach green to make it digest the CD faster. That's all those speedy new 2X CD-ROM players are... 1X ones with a GREEN MARKER ATTACHED TO THE SPINDLE! > > That's nothing. I found a Cheerio in the box of Super Golden Frosted CDs I > > was eating for dinner at midnight while watching NBC's "seaQuest DSV" > > today. > > Cheerios is also made by General Mills. Kibo should SUE THE BASTARDS! General Mills vs. General Electric vs. General Semantics in a no-holds-barred JELL-O WRESTLING MATCH, sponsored by ROYAL GELATIN! > (NBC, that is, for reckless indifference: if they were at all > sensitive to their viewer's needs they'd know that, since Kibo lost > his job, SeaQuest should be on twenty-four hours a day, not just at > midnight on weekdays.) I haven't lost it *yet*. They just gave me three months advance notice that I was being laid off to ensure that I would dedicate the remaining three months to working really hard. La la la la. I'm posting to Usenet. La la la la la la la. I need to announce the BIG SURPRISE PARTY (surprise to my office-mates, that is) here soon. > > > This is slick - the CD has their software plus 50 free hours of > > > usage. Included on the CD is a children's game called CHEX QUEST > > > (think DOOM for five-year-olds). You can kill the Flemoids and > > > have a healthy breakfast, too. > > > > It's only healthy if you spend your whole morning killing Flemoids so that > > you don't have time to eat the little Brillo bricks that Chex calls > > "cereal". > > Chex are fine as long as you put enough icing sugar on them -- at > least 1 tablespoon per Chek. Do NOT buy something called Ancient > Grains. It's made from grains that have not been used since the > beginning of the Neolithic -- and for good reason: Could be worse. Could be the Coprolithic. Could be the beginning of Beethoven's First Coprolithic Movement. > it tastes how I > imagine unsweetened flakes of particle board would taste, and it can Ah, Quaker Corn Bran. Not to mention their new Burlap Bran and Horse Hair Bran. > have very untoward effects on one's gastrointestinal tract. Believe > me, to eat Ancient Grains you pretty well need the ancient bowels that > our ancestors had. Brings a new meaning to the phrase "Serving size: 1 bowel". For those of us in Boston, how about candlepin boweling? That would be worse because the Ancient Grains would still scrape your intestinal lining off but also you'd never get a strike. > > Besides, I always thought Doom *was* for five-year-olds! > > > > > The game "contains technology licensed from ID Software", > > > according to the package, and Quest II is available free at > > > http://www.chexquest.com > > > > The pictures of the hero, "Chexster", are truly terrifying. > > Chexster is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, though it's hard to > recognize him in that costume. Yeah, but who plays Arnold? C. C. H. Pounder!!! > > Folks, *THIS* is the sort of picture the alt.religion.kibology anthologies > > need more of before they can be put to bed. > > > That web site is truly precious. I quote from the "Character Biographies" page: > > > THE INTERGALACTIC FEDERATION OF CEREALS (IFC) > > The Intergalactic Federation of Cereals (IFC) was created following the > > Cold (Cereal) Wars in the early part of the 2nd millenium. With the > > exception of occasional skirmishes along several deep space quadrants, > > peace and free trade has prevailed throughout the modern universe. > > Today the IFC is led by its Senior Cereal Council, which is responsible > > for security, planetoid grievances and astro-blobule warnings. > > There'll be hell to pay when the Klingons find out that the Federation > is now allied with an intergalactic cereal manufacturer. No, no, no. You were supposed to be Ted Frank and you were supposed to cross-post this to soc.org.fraternities and say the IFC was a bunch of losers who can't beat a five-year-old at Doom. > There'll also be hell to pay when General Mills reads Kibo's post. I > guess Kibo didn't read the > > ********************************************************************** > Legal Stuff > > In order to use this site, you must first agree to these ground rules. > > > General Mills laid out some hard cash to bring you this awesome site, > download an e-copy of the materials on any single computer for your > personal, non-commercial home use, but remember to keep the copyright > notice ((c)1996 General Mills). Modification of the materials on this > site or use of the materials for any other purpose is a violation of > ********************************************************************** Note that, in this encoding, a triple quote would be \666. He said, "She told me, 'Why did you say '''this is confoozling?''' ' " > Haw, haw. Kibo is in big trouble now. He posted sooper sekrit stuff > from General Mills' site. Haw, haw. Haw, haw.... D'OH! It's not SOOPER SEKRIT. It's SEEREUL SEKRIT. SOOPER SEKRIT would be the reason why all the little "T"s in the can of Campbell's Alphabet Soup get broken but the "H"s don't. Not even the GIANT Hs! Whereas, Alpha-Bits has a different letter distribution. As I told you all back around 1992. When the mouse was living in my stove. > > > And you all thought that the free AOL floppies were a thing of > > > the past......... > > > > Free? Some people bought a whole box of cereal just to get one! > > I just bought a dumpster-size box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes because it > had a 3D Batman flicker stuck to it. I haven't seen the latest Batman > movie and I don't particularly like the cereal box picture but, hey, > it's THREE DEE!!! If you had a third eye you could see in FOUR DEE. And if you had a Super Nintendo you could see TWO AND A HALF DEE, in which everything is an INFINITELY COMPLEX FRACTAL MOUNTAIN made of BURLAP BRAN! [Wesley's mom got sucked into her son's cereal vortex.] "Computer, what is the nature of the Universe?" "The Universe is an infinitely complex fractal mountain seventy-two meters in diameter, filled with burlap bran." "I SEE... TWO... DOTS!" > Here's a 3D representation of the *new* KIBO cereal: > (to see 3D, focus beyond the screen till the 2 crosses merge) > > > > + + > $ :) * * $ :) * * > K I B O K I B O > * :) $ * :) $ Matt McIrvin will now do a 3-D version of the Indent-O-Meter that measures your screen's depth of field. (After all, there has to be SOME reason I'm using RenderMan as a news reader.) > See how KIBO floats above the marshmallow stars, smilies, and dollar > signs? It's just like the real-life Kibo. Notice how KIBO is at the > same level as the cross: KIBO even has theological implications, just > like the summer blockbuster movie _Contact_. But unlike _Contact_, > KIBO doesn't get soggy in milk. We don't know if Contact gets soggy in milk. But we can infer this because it gets crispy in anti-milk. As Democritus of Alexandria said while looking at the ancient heavens... (Kibo turns into Carl Sagan and dies. Then he gets better.) That was a close call! (feels his head to make sure it's not butt-shaped.) I almost became Carl Sagan, noted astrologer! > -- > Lance (A close personal friend of Admiral Wheet) > > > CONTACT CONTACT > + + > . . . . > * * . * * . > * . * . > . * * . * * > . . . . > . * * . * * The only way to decode this message is to hold it so that all the dots and stars line up in a straight line. Then it will spell out "______________________", and Charles Nelson Reilly will say: "WEE-WEE... IN SPACE!" And then Gene Rayburn will laugh, and then that strange ridge across his forehead will have a thought, and he'll pick up a big bone and throw it into the air. And Slim Pickens will be riding on that bone, waving his hat and screaming "YEEEEEEEE-HAW! YEEEEEEEEE-HAW! I SEE TWO DOTS! I WET 'EM! WEEEEEEEEE-WEE!" And then every member of the audience will drop dead, and Stanley Kubrick will go to a long, narrow white plastic jail with geometric furniture and people who do not display facial expressions. -- K. Displaying a facial explosion. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Stanley Kubrick's "A Kibological Orange" (part 3) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:34:03 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Part three of my tribute to the late Stanley Kubrick. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Our Boston Public Library is an urban public library X-Kibo-Equipment: a distributed Lego robot (distributed by accident) Date: Fri, 27 Jun 1997 01:57:45 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 7748 centons, 83 microns, .01 hrothgars Organization: welcome datacomp tanner@aros.net (Stephen Tanner) wrote: > > Don "Dan Sale" Saklad is the bane of librarians everywhere. He goes > to the Listening Resource Center and asks for the new Beck CD. Then > he goes to a viewing carrel and goes "UNNNH! YEAH! OHHHH, BABY!" > while watching one of those documentaries about how they film nature > documentaries in Norway. And then he takes reference books and writes > "Turn to page 52", and then on page 52 it says "Turn to page 353", and > then twenty steps later it says "YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING YOU LOOSER!!" > And he keeps asking John Cleese for books by Charles Dikkens. I keep asking for "Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange" and they patiently explain to me that Anthony Burgess wrote "A Clockwork Orange", and then I tell them that no, he was the original Penguin on "Batman", before Pat Morita. PERSONAL PLEA: IF ANYONE HAS A PAPERBACK COPY OF "STANLEY KURBICK'S CLOCKWORK ORANGE" -- THE BOOK WHICH EXPLAINS THAT MALCOLM McDOWELL IS SUCH A BOZO THAT HE ONLY KNEW THE WORDS TO ONE SONG -- I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE FOR YEARS. > And he hides the books on Scientology, and takes all the art history > books with pictures of Rubenesque women, (very high register) Wouldn't it be funny if there were a nuuuude in there! > and as he walks by the > checkout spot, he holds the books high above the sensors, Aaaaaah! Burlap sensorrrrs! > pretending > to wave to friends he doesn't have, so he can steal them. Also he > steals the compilations of "Bringing up Father" to stare at the > daughter, and "Terry and the Pirates" to stare at the Dragon Lady, and > GOD ONLY KNOWS what he's doing with "Beatle Bailey". DON' TOUCH ME YOU NOT!!!! AUUUUGH!!! GIMME BACK MY SHOE YOU CRUDDY SHOE FEEF!!! > And he leaves > the xerox machine set on large-size paper extra-dark enlarge. And > then he plays Pac-Man and only gets 9550 points. I once played it for 30 points. I was trying for zero but my hand slipped. This was back when all the GOOD arcades charged fifty cents a play because they were on the carny midway where the classy folk hung out. > And then he won't > leave the BYU library, even after they play the Hawaii Five-O > theme.[1] Well, if they play cool music like that, I wouldn't leave, either! > And then he refers to Lee Bumgarner as "Lee BUMBGARNER!" HAW HAW! > BUMBGARNER! First the hazing and pinning incidents, now THIS! TEN SIXTY SIX! THE BATTLE OF HASTINGS! THE ONNNNNLY INNNNTERESTING PERIOD IN HISTORY! IN THE OLDEN DAYS, RUFFIANS WOULD STEAL FROM BARRELS BY REEEEMOVING THE STAAAAAVES!! AHHHHH!!!! > [1] Yes, they really do this at closing time. Some people dace out > the door. Especially Charles Michael Brussel Sprouts Rotten Broughton The Third! -- K. MATT McIRVIN WILL NOW CORRECT THE REFERENCE WHICH IS SO OBSCURE ONLY HE CAN GET IT, THEREFORE RUINING HIS FEEBLE ENJOYMENT OF MY WONDERWIT. [ TWIRLS AND TURNS INTO BURLAP ] ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Real Power Behind the Spice Girls X-Face: #9X??|`^7WQfZ8($}W*j^9Wh]BQw>}cl)6uV7bsgTDL$DMg94%y44a;}[*Xu^ P%e)4sGfrc<0=.X{Bz<\,$4NHR.iQTeT>*'kX;`UIZ5O"1\(6-rYLBED)Kbo^k,N[\)W ?,;Ri(JPWQBJ&QCbPGT)tpoM8VluZZL3=wLv%;:l/B.]6m/uX_2"vQ$fExS>|@`Ln8a9 !h > jaffo@onramp.net (Jaffo) wrote thus: > > > > The story of the Spice Girls is a story of SUPERIOR MARKETING. Marketing > > is a word I'm learning a lot about it school these days, and the more I > > learn, the funnier it gets. > > Oh gawd. Maybe we should put Jaffo and Bumgarner in a jar and see if they > fight. And shake it! After filling it with Orbitz! And Zima! And Mentos! And DOG DIRT FROM THE SEVENTIES! > J: Marketing that's all it is! > L: Yeah. Spice girls aren't real > J: I bet that "sporty spice" isn't even her REAL NAME. > L: *snicker* Even the drum machine sucks. > J: Not like the Monkees drum machine. Now THERE was a drum machine with > talent! > L: WHAT! THE MONKEES DIDN'T PLAY THEIR OWN INSTRUMENTS??? MY WHOLE WORLD > IS CRUMBLING > > Kibo walks onstage and says "WEBTV users are stoopid." Cut to a WebTV user typing on a giant keyboard. He falls in and drowns! Gilbert Mark Stewart, wearing a hat with a revolving Mensa neon sign: "It's funny because it's TOO BIG!" Marmaduke enters and bites him. They chase each other around a desk at double speed while wacky music plays. Pull back to reveal they are also in a jar. A hand reaches down and shakes it. When the picture stops shaking, Gilbert's head and Marmaduke's have switched! Marmaduke: Now I am going to forget how to compute cosines. Gilbert: It's funny because he's deadpan! Al Gore: That is true. That is very true. True... true... true. Gilbert: That's not funny. Al Gore: But I'm deadpan! Gilbert: It was a typo. You're actually BEDPAN! Fifty tons of poo-poo from the seventies, covered in Ricky Tickie Stickies, falls on them. Fade to brown. FORGET BLACK!!! EVERYTHING BROWN!!!! > --Maelspice > > L: > "Soon I too will know how to do that cool status bar scrolling thing, > and then I will be able to hire myself out as a professional web > designer and make my fortune! Hahahahaha!!!!" > nja@le.ac.uk (A.J. Norman) Hello, I am a professional lava lamp designer. I will come over and arrange the blobs inside your lava lamp into a more pleasing shape. Asymmetrical yet with a dynamic balance much as Kubrick would. For this service, I ask only for my enormous fee. NOW I AM RICH ENOUGH TO BUY A GIANT JAR!!! -- K. I wish someone would punch air holes in my giant brain. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: question authority Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 06:41:59 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1023 centons, 97 microns, .01 woxwox Organization: welcome datacomp In soc.libraries.talk, Bob Jones wrote: > > Don Saklad wrote: > > > > The priesthood of library leadership, the old boy or the old girl > > network all refer to the outdated topheavy hierarchic organization > > of many urban public libraries. In with the new forms of > > participatory organization development. > > > > It begins with an open administrative communications program. > > Demand your urban public library open its validly public long > > range planning reports and related information, read the studies > > comment, ask questions and submit suggestions. > > Don: > > So just what is it you think they are hiding from you that affects your > use of library materials and services? You may have valid concerns, but > in your postings here you come off as (check all that apply): > > Paranoid I was going to go to the library's "event" on Monday evening and spy on Mr. Saklad with my little digital camcorder, but I won't be able to go because I'll be tied up at the "research lab". Could someone else please go in my place and discreetly spy on Mr. Saklad and take notes on everything he does all day, so that we can find out if he's paranoid? Remember, I will NOT be at the library's "event", and I will not be the guy with the Abraham Lincoln beard. And it is NOT a disguise. > Busybody Also after the library "event" that I can't go to, I'm going to go around spray-painting my "TOYNBEE IDEAS USED TO RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER IN KUBRICK'S '2001'" stencil in the middle of four-way intersections all over Boston. I don't have time to talk about this any further as I've got to go count the number of Green Line trains leaving Park Street per hour while wearing my inconspicuous army fatigues and shooter's jacket. > Subscriber to conspiracy theories regarding: > > Death of JFK > Roswell incident > Alien abductions > What really happened at Chappaquiddick Hey, three of those are the same thing! > Jilted boyfriend of pretty library school student circa 1963 > > Someone who needs an extended vacation far from Boston > > Try this, Don. Go sit on the banks of Walden Pond for an afternoon, > down by the site of Thoreau's house, where you can't see the building at > the other end of the pond. Watch the water and the autumn leaves, let > yourself unwind and focus on peaceful thoughts. Do not allow images of > BPL to enter your mind. Take a nap. Read "Walden." Relax. Resolve to > never let the internal politics of BPL upset you again... I tried to read "Walden" but they told me my card doesn't let me take out grownup books! And they have turnstiles to make you go out IN THE DIRECTION THEY WANT YOU TO! And they issue IDENTIFICATION CARDS JUST LIKE HILLARY CLINTON!!! BURN THE BPL AND ITS FASCIST DOORLESS BATHROOM STALLS!! -- K. Also I tried to buy a copy of "Walden" at Waldenbooks but they'd never heard of it, and so I just bought some X-Files word search puzzle books. But then I peeked at the answers and they weren't so much fun after all. THE END. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.med.equipment,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Can you help me find a straight jacket? Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Tue, 20 Sep 1994 07:18:41 GMT In article , Rob Logie wrote: > nuke@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb) writes: > >In article <350bcu$spu@nyx.cs.du.edu>, > >Chester Howes wrote: > >>My sister is working with a little theater group back home that's going to > >>do a production of "Cuckoo(sp?)'s Egg. They'd like some real hospital > >>restraints and a straight jacket for it. Can anyone give me a source for > >>some used yet servicable equipment at low prices? > > >I didn't know Stoll's book had any bondage scenes... > > Having been fortunate enough to meet Cliff Stoll, I > think I know what the straight jacket is for |-). > That whould be the only way to keep him still. ! It wouldn't keep him still, just keep him from typing too fast. To keep him *still* you'd want to encase him completely in plaster like the guy in Kurt Vonnegut's book "Catch-22", which was filmed as Stanley Kubrick's "Blade Runner". -- K. Oh, did you say "Cliff Stoll" or "Let's post a troll"? ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: silber@theory.tc.cornell.edu (Jeffrey Silber) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.med.equipment,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can you help me find a straight jacket? Date: 22 Sep 1994 17:45:28 GMT Organization: Cornell Theory Center In article kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes: >To keep him *still* you'd want to encase him completely in plaster like >the guy in Kurt Vonnegut's book "Catch-22", which was filmed as Stanley >Kubrick's "Blade Runner". Does Joseph Heller, author of Catch-22, know about Kurt Vonnegut's book of the same name? -- Jeffrey A. Silber/silber@tc.cornell.edu Director of Administration and Operational Support Cornell Center for Theory & Simulation in Science & Engineering ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.silly-group.beable,alt.ghovercraft,monash.test From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Silly Word of the Day for 29/12/1994 Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 09:07:48 GMT In article <1994Dec29veevveev@mdw023.cc.monash.edu.au>, the Silly Word Server wrote: > Today's silly word is "veevveev". Hey! Wally Veevveev! His special effects for Stanley Kubrick were the best. Matt McIrvin will now deny he can explain the joke. Also, he needs to explain to Scott what I meant when I pointed to a can of "Milo" on the Spanish-language-foods shelf of the supermarket and bellowed, "Aaaaaiieee! The Band brothers canned their production designer!" -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// [1995 fragment] In article , James "Kibo" Parry wrote: >In sci.physics article <3ggch1$mfo@decaxp.harvard.edu>, >Matt McIrvin wrote: >> In article <3gb5aa$t7t@decaxp.harvard.edu>, >> Matt McIrvin wrote: >> >> >Well, if you could travel along spacelike intervals, like they >> >obviously can on that TV show, escaping from an event horizon would >> >present absolutely no trouble. >> >> Though, come to think of it, you might have to watch out lest you go >> in the wrong direction and pop through the Schwarzschild wormhole, and >> get more seriously lost than the USS Voyager, Will Robinson, and Dr. >> Smith *combined*. We're talking more on the Marshall, Will and Holly >> on a Routine Expedition level here. > >So in The Land Of The Lost, you're saying that when Marshall "fell through >the Door of Time" as the song so cutely put it, that he travelled along >a timelike path and came out in The Land Of The Really Really Really Lost? > >Keep in mind that I've already demonstrated how to find your way home >back through any sort of space-time anomaly such as the interior of a >Monolith, a wormhole, or the Great Barrier--just follow the stream of >dripping paint upwards and eventually you'll come to the hand of Stanley >Kubrick or someone less talented (Ib Melchior?) and then you can just >shake the hand (using a tractor beam) and they'll give you directions >back to the movie set you started on. > >Is it okay to talk about Ib Melchior in sci.physics, or can we only talk >about Land of the Lost? > -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Icy Weather And Ashtar. Date: Mon, 19 Jan 1998 03:38:53 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 7145 centons, 96 microns, .02 monera Organization: welcome datacomp And now for Usenet's favorite game show... "Parse That Atrribution!" Pick them up in the correct order and get DOUBLE FUEL BONUS! dxm@froggy.frognet.net (Max Tussin) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > [various things] > > Damn, you're still around? And I thought *I* had been on Usenet too long. > I feel so inexperienced now. I'd better go shuffle my punched cards or write > some COBOL or something. > > And whatever happened to Xibo and that krill person? (Ah the glorious days > before spam). jkolesza@copper.ucs.indiana.edu (joseph richard koleszar) wrote: > > jackboot block wrote: > > > > Xibo got married. No joke. > > Is that Allowed? At first I thought that said "Is that a joke?" but it doesn't but I'll answer it anyway. It's possible for a serious statement to be completely true, unfabricated, and unprevaricated, and yet still be a joke. You try any prevarications in there, I'll blow your head off. -- K. THE STANLEY KUBRICK OF "MATCH GAME '77" ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// The next part will be the last one, consisting of one gigantic article. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Stanley Kubrick's "A Kibological Orange" (part 4, must be 18) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:51:34 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Here's the last of four installments of ever mention of Stanley Kubrick's name in my alt.religion.kibology articles. You must be over 18, or named Lolita, to read this one. This one also doubles as a tribute to the late Gene Siskel, who was accidentally offed by an Internet message two weeks ago. Also, Terry Southern, who died about three years ago, is mentioned as well -- he wrote the good parts of Kubrick's "Dr. Strangelove". (Based on the _serious_ potboiler "Red Alert" by Peter George, who was then hired to write a novelization of "Dr. Strangelove".) Terry Southern also wrote the novel "Candy", the film "The Magic Christian", and other works of healthily mean-spirited satire. He also worked on the film "Barbarella". Yay! "Well, really. I mean I'm no prude myself, but when some weird frog starts blasting the Hef, that's when I begin to get a bit uptight." -- Terry Southern, at the 1968 Chicago Democratic convention. -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.slack From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Death Dildo [bad sex fiction, long] Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Fri, 10 Jun 1994 10:58:09 GMT Seen on alt.sex.stories. Reposted in its entirety plus my exegesis. People who don't like films about Shirley Temple dancing with fluffy bunny rabbits should press 'n' now! In article <092308Z10061994@anon.penet.fi>, wrote: > > Death Dildo > R.J. Moore Ooh, it's a screenplay by the great R.J. Moore! I hope R.J. copyrighted this so that nobody else could take credit for it because I'm sure *millions* of people envy this incredibly filmic style! > Fade in > Exterior > Night, foggy > Car driving along a lonely stretch of two lane blacktop. This stroke film would just be *ruined* if it only had stock footage of a *four-lane* road. I hope they pay extra for the stock footage of the two-lane road! > Cut to > Interior > A beautiful brunette. > She has high cheek bones,magnificent green eyes and thick natural brows. More than one brow? And thick? What is she, a Neanderthal? Maybe if they draw some eyebrows on it you won't notice the ridge so much. > She wears a pair of ivory earring and matching necklace. > She is wearing an off-white business suit, white blouse tie and > white high heels. Also a white angora sweater. She is played by Ed Wood. > She is driving , her mind seems far away. Her mind is shown in the corner of the screen. It is doing a jigsaw puzzle while sipping Tab. > Cut to > POV out the windshield of car > There is a blur of motion. GENERIC SCENE #136 THERE IS A BLUR OF MOTION AS SOMETHING DOES SOMETHING. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT. INSERT STOCK FOOTAGE OF SOMETHING. (Note to director: If you spoil any of the other scenes with bad focus just put them here.) > Closeup > Woman's face, surprise. She is jamming on the brakes. > A thumping noise. > > Long shot > Exterior > The car comes to a sliding halt. > > Woman's Voice > > Shit! Dialogue by Ring Lardner and Terry Southern. Man, this'll take the Best Screenplay award for sure! > Close up > Car door opens, white high heels meet the pavement. > She is slim and tall. > Camera follows the high heels as she walks past front of car. > She walks up to a body. A man. > Clad in black running shorts,t - shirt, and running shoes. > Woman stands by body. > > Woman > Son of bitch? Son of bitch Hi, I'm Harry Helmsley Jr. > Medium shot > She grabs body by the feet and drags him with difficulty to side of road. > She rolls the body down into a ditch. She looks up and down the road. > No body in sight. She goes down into the ditch. Rolls body on its back. > She takes the guys pulse. > > Woman > Shit. Not only the Best Screenplay Oscar, but the Least Vocabulary Oscar as well! (Unless the Band Brothers make another Dollman film.) > A beat > She is stares at the crotch area. She run runs her hand over the bulge in > the shorts. Smiling she slips the waistband down with diffuculty. The waistband has steel radial construction for extra tensile strength. No human could possibly pull on this waistband without diffuculty. The underwear's label says "WEDGIE-PRUF". She uses a crowbar to pull it down. There is a loud "BOING!!!" and several men dressed like various fruits materialize, talking about the Superband Waistband which snaps back wash after wash. They loan her their tractor to get the underwear off. > The guy is wearing an athletic supporter. She grabs it pulling it aside Under the athletic supporter he's wearing another pair of underwear, and under that another athletic supporter, and under that another pair of sunglasses. Wait, isn't this a Zucker-Abrams-Zucker gag from the 70s? > exposing the guys cock. Her slim hand pulls up the guy's dick. > She holds it stretching it up. > > Woman > Too bad. Could have had use for that tonight. While talking to herself, she swats at the invisible gnomes that are chewing her flesh. > Medium shot > Drops the guys dick back. Raises up. Walks back to the car. > > Long shot > Gets into car . Drives away. > > Fade out > > Fade in > Interior > Close shot > A table with a big black dildo on it > and a device that looks like a remote changer for a TV except that > it just has one button and a short antenna. It's the remote control that makes Robbie The Robot perform over five hundred functions simultaneously! > Pull back > A gloved pair of hands places a vial and syringe on the table with > the dildo. Closeup on the vial. It says Purssic acid. The needle of the The "purssic" acid has a sticker saying "PIOSON: KEEP OUT OF RAECH OF CHIDLREN" with a picture of a skull and a bone. > syringe pierces the rubber top of the vial and the syringe is filled. > Then the dildo is opened up and the syringe is placed in it. > Turning the dildo around for the the camera there is a knob on the bottom > and there is a small hole in the top of the dildo. > The dildo is placed in a box. > > Fade out > > Fade in Shake it all about Fade out again Fade in again Insert stock footage of some guys participating in the thrilling sport of rock climbing. A car with a driver inside drives somewhere. The sun sets. Volcanoes are giving off smoke on an alien landscape. A scientist explains how babies are born. Insert other padding as needed. Fade out Fade in Fade in Fade in Fade out Fade in > Interior > A tastefully decorated apartment. > The woman comes through the door. > (Its the same woman in the car,still dressed the same.) How does she get the car through the door, and why is the car dressed? > She is carrying an armload of mail and her briefcase. > She sets the mail down and a long package slides on the floor. > She picks it up and looks at it curiously. > She opens it and finds a large black vibrator dildo. > She looks at a piece of paper that falls out. > > Insert > A printed message that says "Killer Cucumber, a multispeed vibrator. > Produces vibrating penetration for really deep thrills. > Special feature for an awesome experience at climax" Oh, great, it's a SNUFF FILM being posted to USENET. I hope this is all just MADE UP and not A DOCUMENTARY!!!!! > Cut to > > Woman laughing. > She stops. > She looks at the dildo, it seems to hold a curios attraction for her. The little picture of her mind in the corner of the screen has a little guy inside holding up a sign saying "Wow! What a CURIOS ATTRACTION!" It is written in crayon. The S is backwards. > Fade out > > Fade in Fight! Fight! Fight! > Interior > Bedroom of the apartment. > Woman is undressing. She takes off her skirt. > She is wearing a frothy white half slip. The froth tastes like cream cheese. The film will not work otherwise. > Cut away I'm really tired of these films of women having their clothes cut off with switchblades. Okay, it was fresh when Stanley Kubrick did it, but let's face it, Stanley Kubrick did it in a film that wasn't written by a three-year-old. > Exterior > Medium Shot > From the back. > A figure wearing a black ski mask , black turtle neck and black pants. > He spying through the woman's bedroom window. He bad! He spying, he bad! We can tell it's the woman's bedroom window because written on it in red lipstick (#401 Rose Shadow) is "THIS IS MY BEDROOM WINDOW. -- THE WOMAN" > Cut to > Close up > White high heels. > Pull back slowly, pan up. > Cut to > Close up > Thumbs tucked into top of slip. Slowly slide it off. > Camera follows. Camera bounces twice. > Bottom of a white lace trimmed bustier, grater straps frame a beautiful > slim hips and a tuft of black pubic hair since she is not wearing panties. She is, however, wearing two athletic supporters. > Down top of creamy trim thighs to the tightly buckled tops of > grey tone hosiery. On down, she lifts her high heels to steps out of the slip. Let's see, we've had FIVE words of dialogue, and about FIFTY descriptions of various articles of clothing. Next there will be a list of D-ring sizes and screw thread spacings, with blueprints being displayed. I must say, though, that the character of... um... uh... you know, one of the ones that doesn't have a NAME... > Cut to > Closeup > Eyes looking between the half drawn blinds of the bedroom. > > Cut to > Closeup > Girl undoes the tie and starts to unbutton the blouse. > Pull back to medium shot > The white bustier is strapless and the top of well shaped breasts press > upward from the push up demi-cups. Genuine orange-flavored Fred Flintstone sherbet Push-Ups!(TM) > The rest of the bustier is an extravagance of lace and dainty ribbon trimmings. > > Long shot > Girl walks over to dresser and picks the dildo up. She holds it up to her nose and sniffs it. She looks at the thing quizzically. > She takes dildo with her and sits on the bed. > She brushes the tip of the dildo on her inner thighs. > She is getting excited. > She lays back on the bed stretching raising her right leg slightly. Angela Lansbury's Stretching Exercises For Seniors. > She moves the dildo across the top of her stomach, > she circles the arch her mound of venus with it brushing it through > her pubic hair. The dildo feels quizzicallic about this act. The dildo wonders if it can guess the ending of this intricately-plotted film. > Close-up > With her left hand she opens the lips of her vagina > and grazes the tip of the dildo against her clitoris. Extreme Close-up Several key nerve endings in the clitoris transmit impulses. > Pull back to a medium shot > (Angle is up her legs with her pussy and face in view.) > With a sharp intake of breath she begins to move her hips rhythmically upward. > She inserts the dildo deeper and deeper into her vagina. As in all these bits of Usenet stroke fiction, the dildo is at LEAST sixteen inches long and nine inches wide. She has size 69FFF breasts. > Cut to > Eyes looking through window half open window blinds. Oh no, the film's stuck and we're going to have to watch this scene over and over and over! Help! > Close up > A gloved hand removes the small transmitter and palms it. > Thumb poised over the red button. Which one of the buttons was the red one? > Cut to long shot. > Woman is slowly rolling upward against the dildo working it into her. She fights the efects of the zero gravity as she floats to the ceiling. She rolls downwards onto the bed. > Slowly move in to medium shot. > She moves the dildo in her getting more and more excited. > She arches her back. Slowly the top of the bustier slips down, > first one nipple appears then the other, and finally the material slips > slowly off her breasts. Fine well formed breasts are released from the cups. > Nipples stand hard with excitement. Audience sits stiff with boredom. > Medium shot > (Her face and the inserted dildo both in view) In front of a scenic backdrop of Mt. McKinley and the Eiffel Tower. The wallpaper has small paisely patterns in teal and avocado, approximately 3-3/4" across, with the paste neatly applied on the back of the paper. > (The following goes on for several minutes) Yeah, pad it out some more. Why, with this much plot, this film could turn out to be long enough to fill the time left when a Zima commercial gets pulled! > She is bucking and moaning and tossing her head from side to side. > Her breath comes in gasps. She pushes her heels against the bed > the musculature of lovely legs rippling. > Bitting her lower lip a violent shudder runs through her. > She gasps in an exhilaration of pleasure. > At a spasm she thrusts the dildo deep into herself shoving it from the bottom. A plimsoll line on the dildo shows that it has been inserted to its full nineteen-inch depth. > Cut to > Exterior > Close up Zoom in on the label which says "Approved by the American Dental Association to prevent plaque build-up." Cut to Flip cap Tartar Control Crest. > Hand held transmitter. Thumb hesitates a second then closes the button. The thumb's innermost thoughts appear in a corner of the screen. "He wants me to push the button. But am I his thumb or just his stooge? Could it be that I am too weak to push the button? This reminds me of the time in '57 when my father..." [continues for several agonizing minutes] > Close up > Her face. > As a spasm of pleasure washes her face it changes to a quizzical look of pain. > > Medium shot > She pulls the dildo out. Brings it up to her eyes. > A needle protrudes from the tip. > > Close up > Top of dildo. Needle gleams in the light. > A small bead of clear fluid drools from the top. FAT FREDDY SAYS: "BEAD DROOLS! SKILL PEEDS! SKEED PILLS!" <-- GILBERT SHELTON REFERENCE (FAMILIAR TO PHILIP K. DICK FANS) > Medium shot > She flings the dildo away. > She cups her twat with her hands. Her eyes are wide in terror. Her six-inch eyes are riveted on the ten gallons of fluid spurting across the room, out the window, and down the street from her gigantic snatch. Her belly button is nine feet across. Across town, Kilgore Trout had a dick four miles long, but most of it was in the fourth dimension. <-- VERY OBVIOUS VONNEGUT REFERENCE > Long shot > She slides around sitting on the bed reaching for the telephone on > the night table. With trembling finger she punches two buttons, > but in an involuntary jerk she drops the phone. > Her breathing is slow and difficult. > She tries to pickup the phone but is seized with an involuntary agitation. Meanwhile, those darn hippies are experimenting with VOLUNTARY agitation! Several are arrested for burning their draft cards. > She tries to stand but is overcome by another paroxysm > and falls back on the bed. > She pitches back on the bed clutching her throat. > > Cut to > Eyes looking through the blinds. The eyes follow her across the room. She tries to catch them but they hit the floor and the cat swallows them. > Medium shot > Woman's face is contorted, eyes with widely dilated pupils. > She still has hands about her throat. > She is pitching her breasts the nipples still stiff whip Nipple Stiff Whip! Use it with Jell-O(R) brand pudding to make Pudding In A Cloud for YOUR next snuff film party! > from side to side in the air. > > Cut to a long shot > She drives the back of her high heels into the bed, > her head jerks back her body arches so her body rests > on head and heels only. > Her arms splay out. She shakes her breasts and thrusts her hips. > She makes gasping and gurgling sounds. This is the worst performance art I've ever seen on "Alive From Off Center"! > Cut to close up. > Slow motion. > Her face is a spasm of terror. She starts to foam at the mouth, > the spittle is flicked with blood. She shakes her head for side to side. > Earrings and necklace flail in the air. > Flecks of the foam fly about in slow arcs. This scene to be rendered by Industrial Light And Magic with digital post-processing by Pacific Data Images. > Cut to > Medium shot > Black clad figure opens and climbs through window. > Walks over to convulsing woman. > Takes out an erect prick and begans to jack off Realizes it's not his and then pulls out the other one. > Cut to > Long shot > Slow motion > > She is seized by more violent and convulsive movements. > She floppes so her head and shoulders now come off the bed. > Her hips are still on the bed. > She had reached the final asphyxial stage. > Into death spasms. > > Cut to medium shot > Slow Motion > (Down her legs) > > She almost falls completely from the bed, > only calves and feet are still there. The calves moo. > In a spasm she drives her heels into the bed > arching her hips upward and pisses. > The yellow stream bowing through the air, > splashing onto her body and soaking the carpet. Suddenly, in a pathetic attempt to make the film sink even lower into the depths of stupidity, the entire cast of "Gilligan's Island" disembowels each other with grapefruit knives. It doesn't work. > Move in slowly to close up > Her face. She is making weak croaking sounds. The guys legs come into view > and he squats over her face. She is sucking air, her mouth open, foaming. > > (Pull back shot from her face,guy sitting on her upper chest, > her breasts poking out over the rucked down basier top , > past her pussy , along the smooth thigh and tightly gartered stocking tops. > She lies , right high heeled foot on the bed, left on on the floor > ,left knee doubled inward. > She lies on her back a pool of piss drips off the extreme lower > part of her stomach. Weak spasms still shake her body.) Gene: I liked this film, except for all the spasming. Roger: Oh, come on. If you're like normal people, you just love watching spasm after spasm. I give this film a 10 on my Spaz-O-Meter. > Close up > Guy rubs the tip of his hard cock on her cheeks just under her wide > open wild eyes. > With a gloved hand he wipes the foamy drool away from her mouth. > Using his fingers he preys her slack mouth open. "Bob" sticks a 'Frop pipe into her slack mouth. <-- FOR ALT.SLACK READERS ONLY > He slowly pushes his prick into her mouth, her teeth scrape > the top of his brick hard cock. Especially the hard edges of the rectangular tip. > He positions him self and drives the long hard member > down her throat his balls bouncing on her chin. She begins to juggle. > Close up > He continues fucking her in the mouth while her dying eyes > stare into his crotch. > In her last death throes she is jerking her head forward in a gag reflex. > After several minutes the guys breath is coming in shorter intakes. > > Close up > Slow Motion > He starts to come in her mouth just as she breaths her last > her eyes become transfixed in a stare of terror and surprise. > He pulls his dick back a gooey film surrounding his stiff member. > A long rope of cum connects to her mouth, breaks. It wanders around the room. Connects itself to an electrical socket. All the light bulbs in the neighborhood explode one by one. In a laboratory a pair of edible underwear grows to enormous proportions. > His cum leaps out in long pearly streamers arcing slowly > in the air and criss-crossing a beautiful cheek. > Matting her eyelashes. The eyelashes are matted in front of a painting of outer space. They have a shimmery blue outline around them. <-- FILM STUDENT JOKE > Medium shot > Slow motion > > He grasps her behind the head and finishes by forcing his throbbing > cock back down her throat in the last spasams of his climax. Little kids burst into the room firing toy guns, shouting "SPA-SAM! SPA-SAM! DOW! DOW! DOW! SPA-SAM!" > Long shot > He puts his dick back in his pants. > Picks up the dildo puts into package,takes it. > He takes a last look at the dead woman. > Takes a business card out of a pants pocket. > > Insert > Card reads 'Retribution Inc.' > > Medium shot > He squats by the woman. > Brushes the card up her inner thigh and inserts the card part way in her pussy. > > Long shot. > He leaves through window. > > > Close up > Dead woman's face in profile, her head inclines slowly to the side till > she faces the camera her face glistens with cum and she drools semen as > she stares, in death, into the camera. > > Camera pulls slowly back, out and down her body, framing the whole dead woman. > > Fade out. > > End COMING SOON: DEATH DILDO II: THE BIG STICK OF MENTOS STUPIDER! SICKER! MORE BORING! MORE VAPID! MORE INFANTILE! POSTED TO THE NET IN SCRIPT FORMAT IN THE PATHETIC HOPES THAT SOMEONE WILL FILM THIS MOVIE JUST FOR THIS LOSER! -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// And so ends Stanley Kubrick's long and dignified career of making cameos on the Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Sex-starved camel kills master's son Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:30:20 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > Subject: Sex-starved camel kills master's son I would just like to reiterate my theory that the most interesting Subject: headers are always attached to articles that can't measure up. > RIYADH, March 7 (AFP) - A camel killed his master's > five-year-old son in anger at being tied down alone during the > mating season, a Saudi newspaper reported on Sunday. This would have never happened had the guy been smart enough to tie his son down too. You know, like Joan Crawford always did. > The camel bit the child by the waist and shook him violently to > death. The father could only look on in shock before shooting dead > the animal, the daily Okaz said. > It said camel owners in the Dibaa area of northern Saudi Arabia > had been warned not to tie down their animals during the breeding > season. Yaaaagh! The scary talking Okra is giving advice on camel-breeding! -- K. I just realized Karo syrup is an anagram of okra even though it's not nearly as gummy as okra juice. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Peruvians Touched by An Alien Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:37:20 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > Peruvians Wallow in 'Miraculous' > > Mud Allegedly Touched by Aliens > > I must say, the title I first read: > > "Peruvian Marshmallow in 'Wackiness' > Mud Allegedly Touched by an Angel." > > was for a much better article. Mmmm! Mud wrestling with miniature marshmallows and divinity! Them gaucho gals sure can wrassle! > The rest of the > article was stupid. And we're making it stupider my the minute. YAY!!! -- K. Don't they sell Wackiness Mud at The Body Shop? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: experiment on my daughter Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 04:13:04 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot