Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: EMERGENCY 2999 [001/113] Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 07:46:08 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ackthp@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > Hi. This realistic, sexy action adventure is so good that I'm dying to > find out what happens next, even though I wrote it myself. If you're a > television producer, let me know. I've always liked the phrase "let me know". Like, you can MAKE someone stupid, but you can only LET them know something. There oughta be a law that says it's okay to MAKE someone know something. 'Cause you could go to jail if you made someone know something against their will!!! > Lance Murdoch Why, is he filled with pus? > EMERGENCY 2999 > > Opening sequence: Clusters of galaxies, zoom in to the Milky Way, > continue zooming in until one sees a hospital (with an large red OCR-1 > style cross) orbiting Ganymede, and finally into a normal white > emergency room, plus some welding equipment and drill presses. You know, earlier today I thought about writing "RESCUE 404" where William Shatner helps WebTV users use search engines. After all, the man DOES advertise WebTV, and this could be considered a public service, especially as the more we show Shatner with a WebTV the fewer people will buy WebTVs. > [...] > > DR. SONDERMAN (looking into a microscope): Correct, but I'm not so sure > this case. Major Starkey, could you take a look at this? > > ................. > /\/\..........\/\/\/\ > \/\/\/..o...+...+\/\/\/\/ > \/\//.....+....+...\/\/\/\/ > /\/\.\.o.........+.\\/\/\/\ > \/\.o...........+.+\\/\\/\/ > /\/\... o..o.+../\/\/\/\/\ > /\/\/\/\\.......+\/\/\/\ > \/\/\/..........\/\/ > ........... Correction. It would be Michael Crichton starring in "RESCUE 601", where he would help owners of first-generation Power Macs whose processors aren't powerful enough to run Edward Everett Horton's game of "Life" (endorsed by Art Linkletter), and Crichton's neck would be made out of a bunch of Styrofoam coffee cups on a stick, and then these dwarves would "on-think" the dent out of his brain while mentally undressing that woman from Dallas with their telekinetic powers. And then Buck Rogers would talk into an AT&T Merlin phone which would go "RAZZ!!!" while Billy Mumy's in the garden playing Magic Square. MATT!!!! GET IN HERE AND FIX THIS!!!!!! > GANDA: You wouldn't want to create an intergalactic incident, would you? > [Grins.] If Frugtbarlia becomes Pandonian Hierate, she will be entitled > to choose a new mate. You misspelled "Doctress Frugtarplia". Hope this hleps. > CYBORG's voice (from the telephone): How odd. We have a doctor that > should be bound the Hippocratic oath, and a Cyborg who should be bound > by the Laws of Robotics. Yet both appear quite willing to destroy the > other. The doctor has given his prognosis. Now it is my turn. > > TO BE CONTINUED WHOSE TURN WILL IT BE TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK? -- K. Someday I want to produce a TV show where the first half of every two-part episode ends with a card saying "THIS SHOW WILL NEVER BE CANCELLED!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.psychology.misc,sci.med,sci.bio.technology,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Lowest entity or thing in Psychology Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 25 Mar 1999 09:37:08 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.psychology.misc, sci.med, sci.bio.technology, and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) replied to himself: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) writes: > > > > This Brain Locus theory implies that viruses have brains, and even > > none living things can have brains since they have atoms. > > Maybe I can make some progress on that also. Obviously a rock does not > have a brain, but since it has atoms, can we say that a rock has a > mind? Absolutely, because we already know that the average rock is smarter than you. > Well, we know that a rock must obey the laws of physics such as > gravitation or electromagnetism etc and the particle interaction is > that law of physics. > > What is different about photons received into a living creature that > will compose a mind, from a photon that is received into a rock? Well, > a rock does not have a brain to process and execute the idea contained > in the photon. Remember, folks, rocks are invisible because they're too dumb to interact with photons. I wish I could live in Archie's world for just a day... where rocks are intelligent but invisible, and where candy is plentiful. And where everyone wants to hear me talk about what kind of raspberries I had for dinner. > But a living creature does have parts to execute the > idea contained. But something else distinguishes living creatures from > nonliving. They have nucleic/amino acids that when taken as a whole is > imperfect photon or light wave. Today only, dented photons, half off! (PHOTONS ARE SOLD BY MASS, NOT BY WAVELENGTH. SOME INTERACTION MAY HAVE HAPPENED DURING SHIPPING AND HANDLING. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT PHOTONS.) > Somehow, a photon resonates when inside a living creature onto its DNA/RNA. > > So, nonliving things do not have brains and are not thinking and have > no minds. But living things do have brains since they have at least one > atom and they think and have minds because they have DNA/RNA which > resonates by the captured photon sent by the Nucleus of 231Pu. Hey, Arch, maybe you can help the rest of us settle a bet: How many IQ points dumber does your magic atom become after it throws away a photon? Enquiring minds want to know. Even rocks. -- K. Also I think neutron stars are pretty brainy even though they don't have real atoms in them, just generic particle-like substitutes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: hefty k3wl burn-out post Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 05:51:53 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.dev.null.dammit The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > At first I thought I'd try to do the really cool burn-out post type meme > that everyone talks about, but then I thought, why bother? Why crank out > anything humorous for the 2 or 3 people on the group that are still > bothering to act like Kibologists? Damn, Stacia stole what I was about to post. > Maybe someone would like to let me know if the group ever returns to > normal. Or what passed for normalcy. Also, you might want to let some of > the other ARKers who have disappeared know if the group returns to normal; > you may have noticed a whole hell of a lot of them don't post here like > they did just a few weeks ago. > Oh, and gratz on that oh-so-stunning meta-troll, designed to drive > people out of the newsgroup. It worked wonders! It still amazes me that there seem to be plenty of nitwits out there who appear to believe the Internet needs _more_ flame newsgroups. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: hefty k3wl burn-out post Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 06:12:25 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.dev.null.dammit Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > So, instead of composing that message that attempts to make something > on ARK Not Allowed, just go ahead and learn how to use your killfile. > I am aware that this very message is just such an attempt and I hate > doing this and I am Bad. But WAY TOO MANY of you are complaining > and ONE OF YOU IN PARTICULAR should know better than to Nazi-up ARK. > Stop trying to stop it. Don't make ARK into AFU. Teg, what I've been complaining about is that certain people seem to be trying to drag net.kooks with withered heads in here, the sort of people who respond to every single article with a content-free post, the sort of people who cross-post everything to flame newsgroups, and that people seem to _want_ to encourage the kooks to fill up the group with chaff. If people want to do that, they should go to one of the many other places where that sort of thing has already happened, rather than making a.r.k into an annex of one of the other newsgroups. The periods in which more than half of the messages in a.r.k are cross-posted to one other newsgroup are not interesting for the readers in either newsgroup, only for the one or two people who have decided to start a flamewar. You can't stop them from trying to do that. But I feel that people here should know better than to _encourage_ it. All I ask is that people ignore the flamers rather than sinking to their level. And flaming people for expressing the opinion that a group which is barely worth reading if you killfile 90% of the crap is not as good as a group that doesn't NEED a 90% killfile, well, you're allowed, but that's certainly not something I'd agree with. Once the bandwidth becomes 90% clogged with crap, it tends to stay that way. Flaming people for expressing the opinion that they're sick of people flaming each other is not the sort of stuff I want to read, or participate in. And Teg, I don't want to get into an "I'm more sanctimonius than you" war with you. You're not allowed to tell us we're not allowed. You've got a killfile. Fine. I've got a killfile. Everyone has a killfile. But the presence of filtering software does not mandate that we have to like having to filter out 90% of the stuff. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A Question for Kibo -- King of Terror! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 06:14:49 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stefan Elisa Kapusniak (stefan.kapus@zetnet.co.uk) wrote: > > Duuuuuh. I'm slow, slow, slow. > > It's taken me a long time to catch on, I admit, but I > now understand the deeper significance of your revealing > yourself codename of King of Terror and part of the > Raptor Conspiracy last year. > > In order to fulfill the relevant prophecies being passed > via the atemporal HappyMindNet(tm) to Nostradamus, do you > expect to 'come from the sky' in the current seventh month > of this year (July) or in September (the original seventh > month) which would perhaps sync in better with the > expected explosions on the lunar surface...? Golly. Now I'm starting to wish I'd watched the premiere of The Sci-Fi Channel's new series, "Nostradamus On A Stick!", instead of ignoring it because it couldn't possibly be intelligent enough to make fun of. -- K. Working on the script for "The Hunchback of Nostradamus" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: God likes water Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 06:20:48 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I understand all of that, and how all the carefully-thought-out sentences > > stick together in a logical chain of thought, except that I hope > > Mr. Stocklmeir will explain the "> pops" part. Does this mean that > > Arthur Fiedler was evil? He endorsed orange juice, and Procter & Gamble > > MAKES ORANGE JUICE!!! > > > MATT: I don't believe that Arthur Fiedler endorsed orange juice. > > KIBO: Oh, yeah? Well, who WOULD you believe? > > [MATT takes a moment to think of all the most trustworthy people he has > ever heard of. Suddenly his most beloved childhood icon, Robert Loggia, > springs to mind.] > > MATT: I don't know... big movie star Robert Loggia??? > > [The door opens; brilliant blue light and smoke pour in. Out of the > swirling nimbus walks big movie star ROBERT LOGGIA, wearing a dark > suit and dark sunglasses to indicate how cool he is. He carries a > sweaty towel.] > > MATT: Wowwwwww, ROBERT LOGGIA!!!!!! > > ROBERT LOGGIA: Here, kid, catch! [Throws towel to MATT.] > Yes, it's true: The late Arthur Fiedler did endorse orange > juice, because it tastes great and it's great for you! Look > what it did for Arthur Fiedler! [Dies.] > > [KIBO inflates ROBERT LOGGIA's head to enormous size with a Mensa- > issue bicycle pump, then slices it into two-inch-thick slabs and > scrambles them up until they look like the mask of King Tut.] > > FIN Wait... wait... You did it wrong. You were supposed to end that with a demand that Matt McIrvin would explain your article to everyone who's not Kibo. Oh, hell with it, I'll do it, but it'll be wasted because I already understand everything you said. Okay, then I won't do it. I'll just make an aside about how you forgot to mention that all the slices of Robert Loggia's head are numbered to make it really easy to stack them up to make the world's easiest, and therefore best, art project for small children. Coming up next: A serious examination of those educational toys that consist of a tiny plastic aquarium filled with clear gelatin and a green plastic TIE fighter with two pink sticks coming out of it. -- K. The sad thing is that I think that the kid who dubbed the voice of the kid in the orange juice commercial is going to grow up to marry Fran Drescher and have kids MORE ANNOYING THAN HITLER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: God likes water Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 06:39:19 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) writes: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Does this mean that Arthur Fiedler was evil? > > > He endorsed orange juice, and Procter & Gamble MAKES ORANGE JUICE!!! > > > > [...] > > > > (KIBO inflates ROBERT LOGGIA's head to enormous size with a Mensa- > > issue bicycle pump, then slices it into two-inch-thick slabs and > > scrambles them up until they look like the mask of King Tut.) > > This screenplay moved me to tears. Poor Spot read it twice and it removed him! "Waah!" cried Spot after he had ceased to exist. > However, I believe that, if you are slicing into an inflated head, the > head will pop much like a balloon. This is why I no longer buy those balloons filled with human brain tissue. > Your story, while amusing, was not technically sound. But Rich Sternbach personally wrote the sciencey parts where Matt just had "[TECH]". > Go back to Kindergarten physics until you learn better, Mr McIrwin, > if that *is* your real name! I think it would be great if they had a physics class in kindergarten. The goal would be to teach as much physics as possible with the understanding that you couldn't approach the level of complexity of, say, Piaget's business with pouring blue liquid into tall thin things in diaper commercials. It would boil down to "ROCKS HURT!!!" and "CANDY YUMMY!!!" Then in the second semester we'd give the kids rock candy and they'd all burst into tears. Or, if Little Albert is in the class, we'd give him a big crystal of rock candy with a live rat inside. Then all the child psychologists would point and laugh. Anyone else remember the good ol' days back when child psychology consisted solely of torturing children and then writing papers with titles like "VICIOUS DISEASED RATS MAKE KIDS CRY!"? -- K. This means YOU, Wilhelm Wundt! I don't care if you are now a beloved star of "Cheers", you're a meanie! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Television viewing linked to children's weight: study Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 06:28:15 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Won't you be happy when I update my Bad Junk Food Web page (shockingly > > outdated) so you can read about the foot-long stingray rinds. Which, by > > the way, were pretty stale. > > Oh, thank you very much for reminding me of that experience. Hey, we've still got most of them lying around the office if you want more. > Now I suddenly realize just what the really, really bad catfish served by > my office building's former food service company reminded me of. I keep wishing English had a two-letter pronoun for "my office building's former food service company". > I should have known better in both cases. And it would come in two cases and FIVE genders. > Now, for your laundry list humor enjoyment... > > > MORE ADVANCED LEGO(TM) BRAND BUILDING SETS FOR EXPERT BUILDERS > > Ages 11 and up: Cat Litter Building Set > Ages 13 and up: VaporOX(TM) Gaseous Building Bricks > Ages 12 and up: Li'l Crackpots(TM) Electronic Antigravity > Explorers Kit > > Tax Forms Adventure Sets (now available for USA!) > > Ages 12 and up: Tax Forms Adventure Set (1040EZ/Telefile edition) > Ages 14 and up: Tax Forms Adventure Set (1040A edition) > Ages 14 1/2 and up: Tax Forms Adventure set (1040 edition with > Alternative Minimum Tax schedule and capital gains > worksheet) > > > > Sorry, it's hard to think of these things. Most of the ideas I came > up with were too plausible to be funny. Shame on you. I'm gonna go over to alt.alien.visitors and get Philip Klass to repost his story about the "Bild-A-Man" set. Yet More Lego Brand Building Blocks Sets For Kibologists Who Can't Think Of Their Own The "Build A Bottle Of Orbitz" set -- contains a lot of clear blocks and a few tiny red ones that taste bad The "Build A Rubik's Cube" set -- ASTERISK: CUBE DOES NOT ROTATE The "Build Your Own List Of Lego Sets" set -- warning: Attempting to invent new Lego sets without purchase of this product will subject you to criminal prosecution and incarceration in Lego Jail! Oh, heck with it. Matt's right, Legos aren't funny. Don't give your kids Legos if you want them to grow up funny. Just buy 'em lots of cans of Silly String, and some cigarette lighters to light it with. -- K. I miss the old butane-flavored kind. The new kind is just Little Caesar's spaghetti. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Television viewing linked to children's weight: study Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 08:06:14 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > The "Build Your Own List Of Lego Sets" set -- warning: Attempting to > > invent new Lego sets without purchase of this product will subject you > > to criminal prosecution and incarceration in Lego Jail! > > I can just picture the Lego prisoners trying to escape from Lego Jail by > taking the jail apart. (Oh no! We forgot to glue the Lego Jail together > before trying to use it!) See, they could just snap together a Capsela jail and then NOBODY would be able to take it apart, EVER. I played with my Capsela set exactly once. Fortunately, I think I built the spider-shaped submarine right the first time. There wasn't much you could do with Capsela -- the parts were all spherical, there were only about six of them, and they had the friction-fit tolerances JUST wrong enough in the direction of "can be snapped together, will definitely not fall apart no matter how high the gravitational constant is on this planet." > I was disappointed to find out that at Legoland they actually glue > the exhibits together. I was sort of hoping you could walk up to them and > rearrange them while the staff wasn't looking. I worried about why they had a "DON'T TOUCH!!!" rule, then I found out it was to stop you from complaining that touching them DIDN'T DO ANYTHING 'CAUSE THEY'RE ARC-WELDED TOGETHER! Also, the little Lego man sitting on a Lego toilet with his pants down doesn't realize there's no plumbing connected to the toilet. THAT'S THE BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!!!! -- K. Well, it would be if you discovered it in YOUR house! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Trains Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 06:56:31 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I was looking into the possibilities of train travel. I HEAR THAT THE REASON ISAAC ASIMOV AND RAY BRADBURY ONLY TRAVELLED BY TRAIN BACK WHEN THEY WERE BOTH ALIVE WAS JUST TO SHOW UP THAT OLD EINSTEIN GUY WHO ALWAYS SAID TRAIN TRAVEL WAS IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE YOU'D HAVE TO GO FASTER THAN LIGHT AND BACK THEN THEY THOUGHT THAT IF YOU WENT FASTER THAN LIGHT YOUR BRAINS WOULD COME OUT YOUR NOSE LIKE THE EGYPTIANS DID!!!!! THAT'S WHY THEY ALL DIED AFTER BUILDING THOSE PYRAMIDS AND NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM!!! > I found out something disturbing. > > First of all, there are three train stations in Phoenix that Amtrak > knows about. I note your distinction of "knows about" versus "cares about". > Two of them never have any trains going out of it. I > think these are the stations that make people think a rail system > would be easy to implement in Phoenix if the voters and city council > would pull their dicks out of their cars' gas tanks long enough > to implement a decent mass transit system. Let me guess, you have an Association For Public Transportation there that doesn't do a thing either, eh? > Second of all, despite the number of stations in Phoenix, the only > places you can get to without changing trains are Tucson and Flagstaff. > Tucson has exactly one mall. Flagstaff has exactly one computer store, > which a friend of mine reports has shag carpeting where the technicians > work, and they don't know about grounding strips. Because, you see, > there are two tracks that leave Arizona; both are east-west tracks > and they are in Tucson and Flagstaff. Here in Boston, where the Green Line crosses under the Common, the trains are either "Northbound" or "Westbound" just to confuse the tourists who expect there to be reciprocal directions on the opposite side of the compass. So I envy you having a line that goes both east AND west. Of course, if the MBTA were to be accurate, the "Northbound" trains would be labelled "Northwestbound" which probably wouldn't help the tourists either. Here's my guide to figuring out which Westbound Green Line train you want: "B" train -- goes west "C" train -- goes west "D" train -- goes west crossed-out "E" train -- goes west even though it's crossed out to scare you no sign -- same as crossed-out "E" train regular "E" train -- don't ride this, it doesn't exist "A" train -- don't ride this, because it's a Red Line train "M" train -- ditto "X" train -- don't ride this, it has a student driver Boylston Shuttle -- goes into the fourth dimension if you read old sci-fi stories mutilated by the Atlantic Monthly > Conclusion: Arizona's train situation may be not as good as Europe's > or Japan's, probably. Do your three train stations, two of which are abandoned, at least have tracks connecting 'em? In Boston we have North Station and South Station which don't connect to each other because some BOZO built a city between them before thinking about connecting northern New England to the rest of the world between the two stations. > I've heard that trains are easier to move around in than planes; Also, the "DO NOT USE WHILE TRAIN IS IN STATION" bathrooms are on the honor system, unlike planes where they tell you to go back to your seat and sit down because you couldn't possibly be as safe sitting on the toilet as you would be sitting between the crying baby and the sweaty guy who keeps fighting over your armrest while humming along with the rap music on his Walkman. > one doesn't have to share armrests and stuff like that... and I've > heard that it is even a good place to meet women, but I'm not so > sure. But I also heard you have to pay for your meal, and I'm > pretty sure they don't give you peanuts or sell you headphones like > on a plane... so if I don't meet a woman on the train, I won't have > much to do if I'm traveling alone. On trains I've actually had women start talking to me out of the blue. It's weird. Something about trains makes women get INCREDIBLY DESPERATE! And then there was the time I was trapped in the club car with that guy who talked about the different kinds of insecticides he uses in his professional capacity and the dumb government regulations that prohibit him from using the best ones all the time. > But no matter what, it's better than a bus. Do they even let you > eat on a Greyhound bus? Do they even have bathrooms on all their > buses? Do I even want to know the answers to the rest of my > questions? Nick: Useful words of advice: If you find out about Greyhound, DON'T GO ON TO THINK ABOUT PETER PAN!!! Their buses have tendencies to do things like make unscheduled detours to let the driver's friend off at his house behind the Springfield nuclear power plant. Also all their buses have names like "Fairy Tu-Tu Lily Twinkletoes" painted above the door in script. -- K. And the seats are all covered with PEANUT BUTTER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Stuff That Doesn't Explode On Contact Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 07:02:08 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > 1) Aaron Allston X-Wing books. They books with "Star Wars" in them now? Wow. Do they also have a "Star Wars" videogame yet? > 2) Dreams about missing pets. I swear that the first two times I tried to read that sentence fragment it kept saying "missing pants". Also it seemed like a sentence at the time. > 3) MarioKart54. If you play Wario Stadium and pause while facing one of the > spectator screens, you can see the stuff on your screen on the spectator > screen. "WOO HOO! I'M ON TEE VEE INSIDE A VIDEO GAME I'M PLAYING ALL BY MYSELF IN MY BASEMENT!!!" Did you get the special version that requires you to jam a quarter into the cartridge every time you play it? > 4) I like Quake. The nail gun is fun. Eh. The nine-gun in Dark Forces is better especially if the whole room is filled with those exploding white root beer barrels and Bob Hope is golfing through. Also I like the hidden cheat code that lets you turn all the little action-figure people into Battlestar Galactica characters. -- K. I think the new Lego version of Darth Vader looks cooler than the guy in the movies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Stuff That Doesn't Explode On Contact Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 08:27:12 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I think the new Lego version of Darth Vader looks cooler than > > the guy in the movies. > > Yeah, but my Darth Vader In A Dress PEZ dispenser rocks all your lame asses. > > Darth Vader! In a dress! Full of PEZ! I love the PEZ museum. But there's nothing weird about Darth Vader in a dress 'cause he's a GIRL. If he were a guy it would be different, but he's a girl and you can tell 'cause he dispenses pink Pez and not blue Pez. Remember, pink means you're a girl or gay, and blue means you're a guy, and lesbian babies don't wear colors. > They used to make a Hitler dispenser. > A Hitler PEZ dispenser, that is. I have three of the former, but they don't seem to sell the refills any more. I have the first one filled with a bunch of Shatners and the other two are filled with my dirty laundry. I still say someone should make a Pez Dispenser Dispenser which would be really big and filled with Pez Dispensers, and then obviously those would be sold from a Pez Dispenser Dispenser Dispenser, and they'd keep recursing until they filled up the whole Universe, so to get rid of them they'd have to buy my patent for the Pez Disposer, and then to get rid of that they'd have to pay double for my Pez Disposer Disposer, which would come out of a Pez Disposer Disposer Dispenser, which would wear a Pez Disposer Disposer Dispenser Diaper, which would NOT be filled with Pez. And I still want to travel back in time and turn into a fly, like David "Al" Hedison in a "Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea" episode made from leftover footage from "The Time Tunnel", so that I could land on a wall of the boardroom at the toy company that makes "Baby Diaper Surprise(TM)" just so that I can see the old guys with cigars discussing the name "Baby Diaper Suprise(TM) And Her Diaper Surprise Center(TM)". I looked at the toy in the store again. The Diaper Surprise Center appears to be like one of those machines that turns blank paper into dollar bills, only this one turns dirty diapers into clean diapers. Forever and ever. When the escalator steps go into the basement they go into a Diaper Surprise Center and turn into an infinite number of clean diapers, too. -- K. And the "CHEESE DIPPERS" logo in the frozen food aisle STILL shouts "CHEESE DIAPERS!" at me. Eww... cheese! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Stuff That Doesn't Explode On Contact Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 08:59:35 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi), whose name keeps getting removed by my newsreader program because no human could possibly have "]" in his name, wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > 4) I like Quake. The nail gun is fun. > > You have not seen fun in Quake before you have hacked the nail gun to > fire explosive rounds. And after it fires a crispy round it says "I'd like to propose a TOASTEDS!" and then it giggles for a while. Then it says "Fill it to the rim... WITH BRIM!" and it giggles some more. I wish I had my own personal laugh-track machine with "TV commercial mode" that would make the people around me laugh, as opposed to regular laugh tracks where invisible people laugh. People in commercials have friends who think they're funny. Why can't I live in a commercial so I can be not funny and make people chuckle? Waah! Non-commercialness sucks! > THAT'S fun. It would be funner if you hacked it to become a Splurge Gun and went around shooting Scott Baio and Jodie Foster with it until Nancy Reagan agreed to marry you. Okay, take out the Nancy Reagan part. But leave in the part with Matthew Broderick and the seven gallons of ice-cold yogurt. Although it better be offscreen, somewhere behind the laughtrack. -- K. I wonder if anyone has ever tested a sitcom with and without a laughtrack (at varying intensity levels) to see if the audience reaction changes. I would assume not because sitcoms can't agree on how loud or what style of laughter (giggles versus "HA! HA!") to use. I further suspect that it fails to change the perception of the show for 90% of the audience (and 5% need the laughtrack, and the other 5% dock the show points.) The above was today's Serious Idea. Seriousy --> :-| MY POSTS HAVE A SERIOUSY TRACK!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Stuff That Doesn't Explode On Contact Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 13:15:03 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.pants.com) wrote: > > David Pacheco wrote: > > > > "Have you ever noticed that elevators only go up or down? I mean, > > what's up with that?" > > The elevators inside the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas go sort of > diagonally sideways, in the same direction as the sides of the pyramid. A-*HEMNH*. Not only are you confusing the elevators with the escalators, but, as someone who has not only been in the Luxor but has seen every episode of "Battlestar Galactica", I think you should know that you are the bozo here, because the Luxor does not have any escalators. The Luxor has INCLINATORS, which are better than escalators because they go diagonally, not straight up. (When I was there one of the inclinators had a sign on it saying that this "AMUSEMENT RIDE" carried "ASSUMED RISK".) The Luxor's elevators go straight up, which is why most people don't ride them because when the doors open you're looking down at the outside of the pyramid, and that fifty-billion-watt light bulb is shining up into your face, which will either toast your skin to a Roy Schieder-like brown or at least make you look evil like Jon Colicos on "Battlestar Galactica", the show that inspired THE SECOND COOLEST CASINO ON THAT BLOCK IN LAS VEGAS!!! Also, the Internior of the Luxor is covered with Real Egyptian Hieroglyphs, complete with upside-down and backwards ASCII characters with slashes through them. You know, sort of like the International Phonetic Alphabet only silly-looking. And my favorite site in the Luxor was the genuine Egyptian-style spray-painted wall mural of Isis or Commander Adama or whoever, with a toilet plunger (marked "FLOOR 5") standing in front of it. Luxor contains a miniature New York City street, which is almost as cool as the giant miniature New York City across the street, with the roller-coaster going around the tenements. There's nothing realer than Las Vegas, except maybe if "New York New York" contained a miniature Las Vegas which contained a miniature miniature New York City inside both the miniature "New York New York" and the miniature Luxor so that we could recurse and bifurcate at the same time, not unlike trying to decide what ice-cream toppings you want in the afterlife. -- K. Me, I believe that there is an afterlife, but it's NOT infinite, it's only a season long. Then you get cancelled and replaced with reruns of "TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: dogs don't know its not an inheritance. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 07:11:36 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Noah A Christis (haon4707@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > I just received this saddening news over the wire. Dear John_-_Winston, Whoops, sorry, Noah. You had me fooled for a minute. I thought you were going to say something about Art Bell being paid $530,000 to endorse Dr. Shasta or something. > > WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) Two farm dogs have missed out on > > $530,000 inheritance left to them by their eccentric owner. > > > > High Court Judge Silvia Cartwright ruled Thursday that the sum set aside > > for the dogs in the will was totally unjustifiable ``even for the most > > aristocratically raised dogs.'' "Waah!" cried Spot, after his father, Spop, had started his own country and invented a machine to mine a billion dollars worth of gold from dog-dish water and then left the money to Spot and Spot wasn't allowed to have it so they threw it away. > > The dogs were named in the will of a farmer who died in 1996. The rest > > of his $2.5 million estate was left to his third wife and two sons of his > > friends. > > > > The three humans had contested the will, arguing the dogs should not > > receive a cent. Cartwright agreed. > > > > The judge said she was satisfied that the dogs, one of which belongs to > > the widow, would be well cared for. > > This seems to be terribly unfair for the dogs, as they were > unable to afford a lawyer without the inheritance. And we > all know dogs aren't allowed to represent themselves. What > does $530,000 in kiwi dollars come out to in USD anyway? > > $10? $5? 25 cents? Then the lawyer collected $530,000 in fees, and the judge collected his fee of $1,060,000. -- K. I think it's time to repost this... +--------------- fiction with a box around it is extra-special! --------------+ | | | EINSTEIN'S LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT | | Copyright (C) 1992 James "Kibo" Parry | | | | | | No, Einstein wasn't dead. He was just writing out his will. | | | | "I, Einstein, being of sound mind and body, do hereby write this Last Will | | And Testament. I leave everything to me. In the event that I am dead, | | give it to someone else. The End." | | | | Einstein folded it up into a little ball and hid it where nobody would | | ever find it. | | | | THE END | | | +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Sex? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 08:30:08 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) writes: > > > > The best ones are cherry, with frosting and the little red sprinkles. > > I was going to say more but it was about supermarkets, so never mind. > > As we know, no one in a.r.k. would ever want to hear stories about > supermarkets. I missed the part of this thread where sex turned into candy. Could someone please go back and do it again? And work in something about supermarkets and/or cute dogs while you're at it? -- K. Fun fact: The little candy doots on Pop-Tarts are not technically sprinkles because they're applied by industrial robots. Robots do not sprinkle. Robots DUMP! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Sex? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 09:28:20 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) writes: > > > > Speaking of which, I was sorely disappointed by the vending > > machine pop tarts today. > > The local theory is that they take all the Pop Tarts which escaped from > their boxes and put them in vending machines. Therefore, you get the > tough, less tasty tarts, because these are the ones who over-exerted > themselves in a sad attempt at freedom. The ones that have accepted their > station in life, the ones who *want* to be toasted to a golden brown, are > much yummier. You're saying that Roy Scheider is a happy person? That's SICK! Ask anyone who was on the set of "All That Jazz" and/or "seaQuest". Or save time and get the TV moguls to edit them together into "all That seaQuest". (Unfortunately, millions of kids would tune in thinking it had the ''hilarious'' Keenen & Kel in it and so the producers would have to show Roy Scheider jumping into vats of choclate syrup and yelling "WOOOOOOOO!!!!") > > See, I've been rethinking my position on pop tarts. HEY YOU STOP STANDING ON MY POP TART!!! > > Until recently, I've been pretty conservative in my pop tart tastes, I'm still embarassed that my favoriter hamburger at Bartley's is "The Hillary Clinton". It's one of those restaurants where all the food has random "funny" celebrity associations. only, because all they have are burgers, none of them make any sense. (The Hillary Clinton has SOUR CREAM and MUSHROOMS! GET IT????) Also, they have 58 different parodies of the "THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS" poster on their wall. It's dorm chic! (ten-minute pause) ''NOT''! I'm glad the wave of people who gon't get it imitating Mike Myers imitating Gilda Radner saying "...NOT!" is over, I was sick of commercials and movie trailers where they said an ordinary sentence and then tacked "NOT!" onto it for no reason NOT!!! Also, am I the only person who is glad it didn't catch on the first 300 times they said it on "Saturday Night Live" (the "nerds" sketches with Gilda and Bill Murray) because that would have made the seventies just TOO hip, between that and "EXCUUUUUSE ME!" and "SIT ON IT!" and "ES NOT MY CHOB, MAN!" and "GOD'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!" and "YOU BET YOUR BIPPY!" By the way, I am still looking for a copy of the movie "The Maltese Bippy" starring the Brady dad. I swear am not inventing this movie, look it up. > > and would only eat the brown-sugar-and-cinnamon kind, preferably > > with out the frosting. ANYWAY, that particular flavor only shows > > up in the vending machine once every few months (and sadly, > > always with frosting). > > That's just wrong. The best kind of Pop Tart is the Frosted Chocolate > Vanilla Goo tarts -- chocolate pastry, white frosting, vanilla goo, and > little chocolate crumby thingies on top. Oh, my. Mmmm. The only time I have ever barfed at school was right after eating one of those. I was in third grade, I think, and we were playing in the little pyramid of nailed-together giant tractor tires and I happened to be inside one of said tires with some kid who had just eaten something with a high sulfur-and-beans component. So there you have it, folks: farts can make you barf but barf doesn't make you fart. I hope. If it did we could have PERPERTUAL MOTION! But we wouldn't want to. > > So one day I was feeling hungry, and I wasn't in the mood for > > chips or those little chocolate donuts (LCD's, as us engineers > > like to call them, HAW HAW). And pastry sounded good, so I > > decided to go for a pop tart even though it was blueberry and > > traditionally I've never really cared for the fruit kind. > > > > And it wasn't bad. > > > > So the next week strawberry showed up, You have a show-up toaster, not a pop-up? Just turn it on and some toast shows up sometimes? Does it involve pushing the lever hundreds of times while B. F. Skinner drills holes into your brain to stick the harmless electrodes between the hemispheres of your brain? And then do Pop Tarts pop out from between the hemispheres? > > and I like that even better. Wow! I guess my tastes have changed. It's sad to realize that you're too grown up to ever again eat things like SpagehettiOs. They're covered with yellowish-orange translucent slime which tastes like corn syrup and they slither down your throat, being too small to have enough texture to be chewable. Or cotton candy. I mean, bleah! It's pure sugar specially-processed to make it taste bad 'cause it gets matted with saliva after the first bite. > > Last week it was cherry, and I like those best of all (of the > > fruit kinds). > > Again, I see how sadly mistaken you are about Pop Tarts. If you must eat > fruit, eat Blueberry. With Frosting. > You and my roomie would get along. He's a strawberry-no-frosting kind > of guy. In other words, he's a Commie. Here's what to do. Go to England, where instead of powdered Jell-O you can get equal-size bricks (made by Chivers) of non-powdered, flavored, sweetened gelatin. They just take gelatin and shrink it down to four-ex strength and wrap the little block and you're supposed to take it home and add water to make it big again, but you can just eat the whole thing to get the flavor of eating four large servings of Jell-O, and all the sugar, in a couple minutes. It's like the way the Jell-O corporation keeps telling kids to force their mom to make "Jigglers" to use up too much Jell-O too fast, only in reverse, 'cause they sell it to you as a Jiggler and you have to dumb it down to regular gelatin, but if you're smart you won't. Plus the raspberry flavor is exactly the same color as a three-dimensional block of Rubylith, which is one of my favorite colors to watch bad TV through. Especially if it's the "Star Trek" episode "Is There In Truth No Beauty?" where Spock wears an inch-wide strip of Rubylith over his eyes to keep him from going insane when he looks at the scratches on the film while the Enterprise is trapped in the Land Of Dripping Paint. > > Today it was chocolate fudge. Sounds good in theory. Sadly > > disappointing, however. The chocolate flavor was just strong > > enough to totally wreck that subtle pastry flavor that makes pop > > tarts so addictive, but not nearly strong enough so you'd think > > "mmmm....chocolate" when you're eating them. > > Then you got the WRONG WRONG WRONG kind of chocolate tart. Chocolate is for BABIES AND AZTECS. Now, garlic, that's a GROWN-UP FLAVOR. > > So it's kind of put a damper on my pop tart journey of discovery. > > > > Not to mention it cost me 75 cents, and I still haven't gotten my > > allowance yet. > > > > On the plus side, I just checked the wrapper and it doesn't have > > too many stupid instructions, aside from the usual "WARNING: If > > you heat this up, it might get hot" crap. Oh, and the > > instructions for opening the wrapper: "There is food in here. You > > should tear the wrapper open before trying to take it out." > > Although I bet a four dimensional being could take it out without > > tearing the wrapper. Probably couldn't eat it though....would > > probably tear up his insides something awful. This lends credence to my theory about Doritos, given that they developed the rounded corners at the same time they introduced "Doritos 3-Ds"! > I'm not sure, but aren't Pop Tarts 2-dimensional snack treats? They're photos of real snack treats, and you can get 200 of them from an ad in the back of "Man's Adventure" magazines from the 1950s. > > Also, Riboflavin was the third-to-last ingredient, so these pop > > tarts were not as good for me as they might have been. > > I'm concerned about Ribo -- he hasn't posted here nearly as much as > usual, and he's turning up in the ingredients of all our favorite foods. > Is this some sort of sick sequel to Soylent Green? I bought something yesterday with "porcine meat meal" in it. If you are what you eat, and you eat meals, but they put a meal into your meal, does this mean that you're accidentally engaging in recursive auto-cannibalization? Am I traped in an endless episode of "Doctor Who" from the early eighties? Isn't Adric geekier than Wesley Crusher? > > And, in the list of ingredients I wacky-parsed crackermeal as > > crackermeat. What crackers does Kellogg's make? Because I guess > > the left over crumbs wind up in pop tarts. > > They buy left over graham cracker crumbs from General Mills, makers of > the yummy yummy Golden Grahams cereal. So what do they do with leftover crumbs from the manufacture of Corn Bran? I think they use 'em for those padded brown envelopes they mail CDs in. > > Hmmm....I wonder if pop tart crumbs wind up in Kellogg's > > crackers? Also, why do they call them crackers when you crack them, they don't crack you? What's up with that? And these airline dessert squares, I mean, why don't they make the black box out of them? And how about those elderly convenience store clerks who drive real slow and wear towels on their heads? Hey, thank you, you've been a great audience! Gotta go, UPN is giving me a sitcom that'll run forever! > > By the way, what is pyrophosphate? Am I gonna catch fire and glow > > in the dark later today? I worry about these things, as I try to > > be good for the environment. > > Just don't piddle in anything but a lead-lined container. Then, deposit > the container in a local nuclear waste facility. But the bottle said "NO DEPOSIT - NO RETURN" so when I got to the recycling facility I couldn't deposit it there, and I couldn't return home either, so I hadda eat it. GLASS IS HARD! AND OUCHY! > > I'm glad, though, that they used natural vanilla extract to make > > these things, because I tried some with the unnatural kind, and > > the results were kind of scary. > > And you can't make hefty k3wl vanilla Cokes with fake vanilla. I'm just waiting for Ben & Jerry's tribute to Vanilla Ice. I'm sure the bad parts of the eighties will be RILLY RILLY HIP-LIKE in about two years, once the last vestiges of the seventies "retro" thing have died. > > I still haven't gotten all the bloodstains out of the drapes. > > Where is Suzy Homemaker when you need her? > > Try soda water and lye. Give me a mixture of lye, camphor and alum in a fountain pen bladder and I could write a book for boys in the fifties! Otherwise it'll have to be for girls. -- K. There should be more Girl Science books. Boy Science books never cover Domestic Science, Home Economics, or Sanitation Engineering. I was going to say something about James Doohan but he's suffered enough. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.chem,sci.physics From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Proof! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 08:35:33 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Douglas Collinge (dcolling@abyssnet.com) writes: > > > > [re the endlessly repetitious "Academias Neutronium" auto-bot] > > > > Enough, already! You failed the Turing test - Professor Plutonium > > is far more interesting. > > Kind of an entertaining concept of a Turing test. To write something so > incoherent that it only could have been done by a human being. Yes, but let's be fair -- Archie is far more interesting than almost anything else on the planet. I mean, where else can you hear about black raspberry fetishes, prions made of fungus, England being a peninsula, and people being the reincarnation of famous racehorses in one place? I do not support the Turing test because I feel a more revealing test would be to ask a computer any one of these three questions: 1.) HOW DO YOU KEEP A MORON IN SUSPENSE? 2.) WHAT ARE YOU EATING UNDER THERE? and 3.) HAVE YOU STOPPED BEATING YOUR WIFE YET? I reject the "SPELL 'IMAGE' AND THEN SAY 'LIGHT BULB'" test because a study at my grade school revealed that most American kids are too dumb to be able to fall for that. "E-M-A-J LIGHT BULB!!!!" -- K. So, the question is, how does one quantitatively assess incoherence so that we can rank Archie on a scale of 1 to Manley? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: What is Louis up to? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 08:38:15 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) writes: > > > > I'm quite sure he'll give you all a more detailed report soon, as > > he'll need it for a thesis he's writing on elevator shoes. > > Most people just use paper. "Paper", eh? I'll give it a try... The elevator shoes have been doing just fine for all my uses, but they do get stuck sometimes when I flush 'em. -- K. See Don Adams in "The Nude Bomb" for gigantic high-heeled shoes AND the most enormous bellbottoms you've ever seen on a five-foot-three actor, said bellbottoms going all the way to the ground to hide his Frankenstein shoes under a tent-like polyester dome. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 10:14:23 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "The Ur-Beatle" (talysman@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > I was recently horrified to read that Francesco Benvenuto > does not watch TV! Then it must be watching HIM! > pondering this, I began to wonder how > anyone claiming to be a kibologist could acquire the proper > kibological memes without exposure to the pop-est forms of > pop entertainment (tv, comics, something just as trashy that > I can't remember right now.) I think it's more fun if you DON'T get it. Matt must agree with me because when I sincerely ask him to explain the memes to you guys he never does. So I will now exegesize some of these glosses. Except I don't know any big words so I'll have to talk real slow. > POP QUIZ! > > I decided to test ARK by thinking of a few random trashy > concepts and checking to see who had posted about these > in ARK. here are my scientifically accurate results: > > the tv show "Quark": mentioned only by me, Kibo, and Blair > P Houghton (who was the only other person besides me to > quote Ficus's full name.) disappointingly, most of the > references to "Quark" in ARK turned out to be references > to (a) a Ferengi, (b) a molecule, and (c) a program. (a) is Armin Shimerman's character on "Deep Space 9", which got cancelled after J. Michael Straczynski walked off the show because Ted Turner fired the original captain (Bucky O'Hare) so that they could have more open slots to put pro wrestlers into. (b) is just plain wrong. Quarks are smaller than molecules. Molecules are made of water. (I still remember the kid in fourth grade who made "This report is about molecules. Molecules are made of water." the first quarter of his science project) (c) is a desktop publishing program produced by the most paranoid software company in the world. Not only have they made their customers mail back the destructo-floppies after they install the program, or required the use of a hardware "dongle" to run the program, but they make you write an _essay_ about your intended use of Quark XPress if you try to get an educational discount. See page 327 of the "Best of A.R.K: 1997A" volume for a picture of Quark XPress 3's "easter egg" (the little Martian who vaporizes the selected item when you press command-option-shift-alt-meta-bucky-K.) Quark XPress has been used in the preparation of those A.R.K books, but I'll switch to Adobe's new program soon by the looks of things. (d), the TV show, ran for about half a season in 1979 or so, and it was about Richard Benjamin (Streisand's wife -- excuse me, husband) as the skipper of a garbage scow in outer space, with David "Sledge Hammer" Rasche and assorted other wacky wacky people. The show's writers hadn't settled on a fictional milieu, so every week he had a different wacky space pet, etc., and the show quicky spiraled down the TV drain. I liked it, but I also recall it had mud wrestling so that may be why. (The first use of "quark" on a.r.k was in the (b) sense, by Matt McIrvin, 1992: "Quantum chromodynamics posits the existence of the QuarkHeaded.") > the tv show ARK II: mainly just me, although Leah Verre > and Nick Bensema quoted me; Leah actually admits to having > watched this. John Winston inexplicably refers to > "Spaceship Noah's Ark II" as being part of classical > literature, but I'm not sure if this has anything to do > with what I'm talking about. I prefer talking about "Earth II", which starred Gary Lockwood, and "Genesis II", aka "Planet Earth", which starred John Saxon and/or Diana Muldaur and/or featured the line "BRING ME THE DINK EXTRACT!" depending on which of the three pilots you saw. Not to be confused with "Earth 2", the boring sequel to "seaQuest DSV" (and, believe it or not, more amateurishly written -- it was an attempt at "Lost In Space" by people who didn't get the basic silliness of the concept and had clearly never read any science fiction with words in it) and also not to be confused with "The Starlost", which featured Keir Dullea -- the guy who failed to rescue Gary Lockwood in "2001" -- which was the most jaw-droppingly bad sci-fi TV series I've seen (with rare exceptions, some of which are mentioned in this paragraph) and which Matt McIrvin and I like to re-enact key scenes from in which we stand on a small piece of egg-crate foam and pretend we're getting really wide with a thick black magic marker line around our heads as we yell "BOUNCE TUBE! SOLAR STAR! INFORM BRIDGE! INFORM BRIDGE!" Then the giant bugs eat us. Also, Matt's Amish. > the book _Bored_of_the_Rings_: just me and M. Otis Beard. > you people are illiterate. It was a lot better than the other Harvard Lampoon attempt at Dick DeBartolo- style parody in book form, "Doon". But still, the concept "Hey, all these Hobbit names sound like 'Dildo'! Dildo! Dildo! Dildo!" isn't enough to build a novel around. Short shameful confession: I've read "Bored of the Rings" all the way through at least twice (I think both times in high school) but I've never succeeded in reading "Lord of the Rings" or "Dune" -- in both cases I got bored and wandered away to watch "Doctor Who" and/or "The Starlost" and/or "Time Tunnel". > Doctor Strange: just me and Joe Schulte. ditto. I suppose > you haven't seen the tv pilot for "Doctor Strange", either, > which cast a *white guy* as the Ancient One and gave Doc > Strange a 'FRO. The TV pilot was wonderfully wacky. It's being pushed on videotape again at the moment (been recently re-printed, apparently). Also note that its director, Stanley Kubrick, just died, having outlived Peter Sellers, Slim Pickens, Sterling Hayden, and Weegee. I'M GONNA KEEP MENTIONING WEEGEE'S SECRET SHAME UNTIL SOMEONE AGREES! > the videogame "Moon Patrol": me and Brian "JARAI" Chase. Oh, Jesus K. Christ, now I'm gonna have that stupid song running through my head all night. Also don't forget the bootlegs, such as Moon Ranger. > Brian gets extra points for playing the game on a VAX system > inside a gay automobile. he also used the phrases "potato > pancake" and "buttery gusset". Short shameful confession: I've watched the entire secret alternate subtitle track in "Rebel Assault II", which is all about Imperial boot fetishists and the Death Star being filled with rich, creamy, Imperial butter. Then at the end Mike Myers leaves his cigarette in the TIE. > jo jo the dog-faced boy: kibo mentioned him indirectly in his > .sig diagram of "Twin Peaks", but I was hoping for a quote > from that one episode of "Star Trek" where Spock beats the > crap out of Kirk. Matt McIrvin likes to re-enact that scene. I think that's his default text when he's performing as Shatner. I prefer "We! The People!" > the TV shows "Diver Dan" and "Prince Planet": only me. sniff. Clutch Cargo's Alex Toth-drawn lipellipse could beat up Diver Dan and that guy from "seaHunt DSV" who went on to replace Mike Hodges as host of "Mystery Science Theater 2000". MAAA-AATTT! P.S. I liked making up the word "lipellipse" so much I think I'll say it instead of "refrigillator" when I mean to say "refrigerator" from now on. > Newton the Centaur, moopsball, the movie "Children Shouldn't > Play with Dead Things", the phrase "Free-Dumb? that is a > worship word. you will not speak it!", SEE? SEE? I ALREADY QUOTED THAT EPISODE ABOVE! I HAD THE *THREE-DEE* VERSION OF *THAT* *VERY* *SPECIAL* EPISODE FOR MY GAF VIEWMASTER! PLEASE DO NOT SPELL MY GAF VIEWMASTER BACKWARDS! I ONLY HAD MANLY STUFF FOR MINE! > Bill Bixby as "The Magician", That ran about six weeks, at the same time as David Rappaport's "The Wizard", before Rappaport made "Wholly Moses!: The Making Of". MAAA-AAAAAATTT!!! > Lee Van Cleef as "Master Ninja", Puh-leeze. "Master Ninja Eye" was how they always pronounced it on "MSTY2K". > Rhoda Morgenstern's sister Brenda: NO! NO! DO NOT MENTION "RHODA"! SUCKY GIRLIE SHOW FOR GIRLS!!! I think it was Matt McIrvin's favorite show as a child, though, when the rest of us were watching "The Price Is Right," I mean, "SWAT". Also, you forgot to mention Perry Rhodan, who includes Rhoda as well as Perry, "n", and Pucky The Mouse-Beaver. I have all 9532 episode titles memorized and I think it would be really cool if they made them all into movies, one per year. Also, the one movie they DID make of the first book ("Enterprise: Stardust", which was correctly re-translated by someone other than Wendayne Ackerman as "Mission: Stardust") includes the only special effect which may be worse than the "bounce tube" effect from "The Starlost": the scene where the evil swarthy guy is hanging from the large string which has the blue fringe around it in front of the giant paisleys that keep getting bigger while he holds still because he's supposed to be flying towards the wallpaper, or something. > NO ONE! WE SUCK! I will admit that Bill Cleere > and Ian Young made some possible allusions to "Master Ninja", > but these are iffy. and Kibo preferred talking about Bill Bixby > as "The Incredible Hulk". even Mrs. Bill Bixby, the Avocado > Avenger, failed to mention "The Magician" (or even "Courtship > of Eddy's Father".) I'm sorry, I can't think of Bixby without thinking of BIX which makes me think of "PIX! PIX! PIX!" which makes me think of Laser Designs which makes me think of being surrounded by losers, and when I think of BIX it makes Lee Bumgarner start complaining about how overrated The WELL is and then I get a job at The World and we all go over to The WELL and beat them up and steal their W and not let them have it back until they sing that Joe Raposo song about how a waffle would be awful without "W". Then I talk about my number-three seven-ounce Figgy Fizz bottle cap and my collection of paper clips and my collection of ice cubes and I let my pigeons play all over Ernie's bed and then Ernie puts arrows all over our bedroom and when I'm following them around I say, "OH ERNIE, THIS IS SO KINKY!" and then Mr. Hooper dies and I remember when Oscar and Grover were BROWN but they had to drop that because it was racist so now they're not allowed to have any brown people on Sesame Street. > this is sad. So? I'm happy to be sad. -- K. Waah, you people are keeping me up late! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 12:26:31 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Noah A Christis (haon4707@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > "The Ur-Beatle" (talysman@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > the tv show ARK II: mainly just me, although Leah Verre > > and Nick Bensema quoted me; Leah actually admits to having > > watched this. John Winston inexplicably refers to > > "Spaceship Noah's Ark II" as being part of classical > > literature, but I'm not sure if this has anything to do > > with what I'm talking about. > > I not only have this book, but shelves full of similar ones. > I even have 'Captain Noah's Super Magical Space-Ark Voyage' > > I will not explain why. I absolutely refuse. We don't care why you have it, we've just been seized with the idea to have a contenst to see who can come up with a stupider title for a pro-ecology book for kids. You know, like "Grandpa Has Two Arbor Days" or "The Magical Mealworm's Rainbow Gun" or "The Amazing Adventure Of Nina On The Planet That Never Had Any Nuclear Reactors Or Clocks With Radium Dials". C'mon, everybody play! Otherwise there won't be any butterflies by the end of next week! "Mommy, what was 'grass'?" -- K. That reminds me, I need to read Bellamy's "Looking Backward" again someday. It deserves having it socked it to it in the next millennium. Did you know that said book inspired the design of the Bradbury building in L.A. (used in "Blade Runner" and hundreds of other movies and TV shows)? That's just one of several L.A.-area landmarks, like Bronson cave, Vasquez rock, and the drainage canals, that I am secretly planning to blow up. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 10:37:13 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > "The Ur-Beatle" (talysman@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > [re what Francesco B missed by not having a TV in Italy...] > > > > the tv show ARK II [...] > > Yeah, man! Hippie dude and his brethren and sistern all traveling around > the desert in a big tank-loaf thing. "tank-loaf thing"? You have just described the Hewlett-Packard Performa! (Matt McIrvin shall now repost his line about the Space Shuttle Performa.) > I thought I was the only person who'd ever seen that .. even at the time it > was on. Nobody ever knew what I was talking about, so I just figured it > showed up on some magic channel in my brane. There was another show called > "Jabberwocky" that I thought I was solely privvy to as a kid, until Kibo > brought it up here recently. Thus proving, once again, that the hivemind is > strong and hefty and probably cancer-causing. "Jabberwocky" is *still* airing in Boston (which I suspect may be the only place it's ever aired, as it was a Harvard production.) Where did you see it, Leah? Here we get it at 5am Saturday mornings on Channel 5. (I prefer "Insight" myself. Matt McIrvin may now repost his parody of the episode about the evil oscilloscopes.) > Anyhow, I can't imagine a kibologist without a TV, Hey, dude, some of us have COMPUTERS that can show moving images. When my TV broke year before last, making Donny Most all purple and stuff, I seriously considered exclusively watching my computer's video window. But I decided I wanted to let the TV keep playing while I was playing a fully-screen video game -- so that I could hear when the programs changed and slap in the appropriate tape to record the lost episodes of "seaQuest" -- so I bought a cheap TV. > but having once been to Italy, I can assure you that, when you're > surrounded by such natural kibological artistry that resides there, > there really is no need for cheesy reruns of Ark II, or anything else > as otherwise rivetting. But... then he'd miss "Spazio: 1999", with Ennio Morricone's worst music ever! And "Il Gran Gioco Della Oca"! > Okay, is that a sentence above there? WHAT ARE YOU EATING IN THAT SENTENCE UNDER THERE? > Never mind. NEVER USE THE WORD "MIND!" -- M O'D Ha! Ha! I have just outobscuranted everyone! (Actually, someone will probably get that. After all, you people read "Bored of the Rings", you've probably got that book too. But how many of you saw an episode of "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider" written by O'D just before he died?) > > the book _Bored_of_the_Rings_: just me and M. Otis Beard. > > you people are illiterate. > > SCREW YA! I read it, and I think Joe Bay even points to it somewhere on his > page somewhere but perhaps I am mistaken but I am waaaaaaay too lazy to look > it up. > Joe? You misspelled "you" and "way", you member of the illiterati. Hey, is an illiterate member of the gliterati an illgliterate or a gillierate? I need to know for my term paper which is due right now. > > the videogame "Moon Patrol": me and Brian "JARAI" Chase. > > Brian gets extra points for playing the game on a VAX system > > inside a gay automobile. he also used the phrases "potato > > pancake" and "buttery gusset". > > Oh yeah, Moon Patrol. I seen that one. It's cool cuz there's this little > car and this cool bassline and then all of a sudden the whole machine > explodes and the owner kicks you out of the arcade. Dude, you're thinking of "Busy Baby" for the Atari 800. WHOOSH! THE WIND OF OBSCURITY BLOWS PAST MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE'S VIRTUAL .SIG QUOTE ON ITS WAY TO THE McIRVIN LIMIT! -- K. We need to come up with a one word synonym for "cultural obscurantism related to bad sci-fi TV shows of the 70s". It should start with "K" and end with "ibology". And rhyme with "The only word that rhymes with this sentence is 'Kibology'." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 21:56:31 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Jabberwocky" is *still* airing in Boston (which I suspect may be the only > > place it's ever aired, as it was a Harvard production.) Where did you see > > it, Leah? Here we get it at 5am Saturday mornings on Channel 5. > > In Seattle. > Most of the stuff we get on Public TV is still from WGBH. > > Kibo, what do I have to do to get a tape of that show? Not much, especially as I owe you for all those Humongous Corp. trade secrets you've leaked to me. In fact, I've been SP-mode-taping "Jabberwocky" episodes on and off lately hoping to catch a repeat of the one about facial expressions, which is one of the most unintentionally psychotic and/or Stuck In The Sixties thing ever. Not only did that one have a mime troupe (in the Suprise Box) that came out and alternated between screaming and smiling for a while, then they looked at some famous faces (Jackie Kennedy, Muhhamad Ali, etc.) and swapped noses around to prove that people still looked the same with the wrong nose, 'cause it doesn't matter what's on your face 'cause your face is always who you really are, or something, then they painted sad hobo makeup on some little boy who clearly thought he was trapped in HELL! I'll make you a tape once I have a couple more episodes. There's only one a week and I miss at least half of 'em 'cause it's on right before my bedtime, but I'm working on filling a tape. Just don't tell the Harvard Hippie Police that I'm duplicating copies of "Jabberwocky" without paying the proper royalties to the college students involved. As I've pointed out on alt.folklore.urban, the most interesting thing about Jabberwocky's format is that there's a deliberate reference to the famous "RAM IT, CLOWN!" incident (which happened on Frank Avruch's "Bozo" show on Boston's Channel 5, where "Jabberwocky" airs): Whenever a filler film is presented (these great little flower-child animations about loving the animals and saving the earth) it's prefixed by this psychedelic animation of a clown standing in front of a movie screen. A voice yells, "ROLL IT, CLOWN!" and he opens his mouth and projects the movie with his uvula. For those who haven't heard me wax evangelical about this before, "Jabberywocky" is the single most bizarre children's program ever to air on American commercial TV. It has exactly one puppet -- the show's main character -- "Filthy Frank", a disgusting homeless person. I am not making this up. He lives in a cardboard box and always talks about how much he likes garbage. Sort of like Oscar only MORE LIKE RELEVANT AND STUFF WOW! GROOVY! The other principal character is Carl, the guy with the big 'fro, who stars in the show as well as directing it. (I like him because he's not a puppet and doesn't roll in his own filth.) A central trope is the "Surprise Box", a large crate that Carl opens up and then the guest star comes out. (Although guest "star" is probably the wrong word, given that this is clearly a student production.) Then they all sing "Everyone Is Beautiful In His Own Way". (Apparently Marlo Thomas hadn't done "Free To Be... You & Me" yet.) They also occasionally do "heavy" sketches in which little kids pretend to be old-timey parents acting out the "generation gap", or other bizarro early seventies things. Like, crafts involving seeds. And if you've never seen the title sequence, it's a little beyond "Yellow Submarine" plus "Space:1999" in terms of psychedelia: It's clear that they ransacked a collection of student films from an animation class (after they had all seen "Yellow Submarine" several times) and edited them together, so you get half a second of a fish with a hand for a head chasing a thumb through Letratone-land while holding a hammer, then there's the kid with a paper airplane where his mouth should be, and he says "I'VE A FEELING IN MY MIND THAT I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE", then the screen fills with smilies with two mouths each, a little kid who looks like John F. Kennedy tries to kick his mom in the knee but his foot has a puppy's head that says "Arf!", then the words "GNARTLE!" and "SEVENDY ELEVEN!" and "FIREFLY!" and "WEIRD!" are flashed on the screen for a single frame each, a boy with striped bell-bottoms yells "MY CHAIR WEARS UNDERWEAR", several old-timey Santa Claus illustrations pop out of a kid's head, a giant fish flashes on and off as clocks fly through its skeleton, etc. I've got all that in the wrong order, but it's all crammed into about twenty seconds so it doesn't really matter, just RAM IT INTO YOUR EYES, CLOWN KIDS! Oh, and the "Jabberwocky" logo is a potted plant with balloon letters growing on it JAB BER WOCKY and there are planes and boats and ice cream cones and light bulbs growing on the balloon letters which are growing on the plant. And a kid says "OH! SO THIS IS A JABBERWOCKY!" I think, I'm not stoned enough to understand it. (Balloon letters, your sign that someone drew their very own lettering in the seventies without the involvement of a professional. Remember how in the sixth grade that one kid who knew the secret to drawing them was always in demand to write things on the board?) -- K. I'm just miffed they never let me be that kid. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.jeremy-reimer From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 12:55:21 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jeremy Reimer (jreimeris@home.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (Balloon letters, your sign that someone drew their very own lettering > > in the seventies without the involvement of a professional. Remember how > > in the sixth grade that one kid who knew the secret to drawing them was > > always in demand to write things on the board?) > > Kibo, you've been spying on my life. Stop it. Are you saying I shouldn't be allowed to spy on all the elementary-school students I want? Besides, why did you write "JEMEMY WUVS TEACHER" on the board in balloon letters if you didn't want anyone to read it? I'll post a Minox of it for five dollars. -- K. I'll stop using the word "Minox" in conversation for ten dollars. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 07:22:05 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Vegetable Soup" had a number of ultra-cheap "cartoons" that were made by > manipulating brightly-colored still pictures with primitive video effects > equipment. Since all they could really do was Flexitron things into > stretched-out Lissajous figures, this looked really, really bizarre, less > like a cartoon than like the fantastic adventures of the wobbly on-screen > lyrics from the Oompa-Loompa song. As far as I know, nothing like it was > ever done before or since-- Flexitrons were used a lot, but not as the > sole narrative device of an entertainment medium. For the uninitiated, a Flexitron was a primitive analog video effects generator that could do one thing: introduce a variable delay in the timing of the start of each scan line on the picture to apply a sinusodal ripple (along one axis only). You had controls for the amplitude and frequency -- varying the frequency of course made the wave move up or down the screen at different rates. The Flexitron and really primitive analog chroma-key (involving a mustard- color screen!) were the only video effects the BBC had during the first color season of "Doctor Who" (1970, the first Jon Pertwee year) and you may recall that they used the Flexitron constantly for one year, and then they got a colorizer so they could make things different colors starting the next season and pretty much forgot about the boring old Flexitron. Flexitrons also provided the "flashback" effect for numerous shot-on-video sitcoms, "Saturday Night Live", etc. Now, the words flashed on-screen when the Oompa-Loompas are singing the "brat" song (after Veruca Salt falls into the trash incinerator) were NOT Flexitroned, as that was a video effect and would have been unsuitable for a big-budget film (usually), and because they were doing something freakier anyway: Each of the words was phototypeset in an ornate nineteenth- century woodtype font (what Photo-Lettering Inc. called "Xylotypes") and was then run through the "Photo-Flex" system, which consisted of a photostat camera with a slit slowly moving past its lens as the artwork moved back and forth (this is also the basis of Douglas Trumbull's "slit-scan" system which made the time tunnel in "2001", and was also how they made fashion models thinner before they had computers.) The swirly words in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" were run through TWICE, turned ninety degrees between sine waves, which made them swirl around in nice Lissajous patterns. If you look closely, you'll notice the swirling words are somewhat blurred (the not-complete-one-dimensionality of the slit always made the letters fuzzy) and do not quite register with the unswirled words when they come to rest. A few years after the Flexitron, Ampex introduced the Ampex Digital Optics (ADO) effects generator (we're back to TV now) which could do things like rotate or move an image. (You know, like making hot dogs fly behind Rich Hall's head on that on "Satruday Night Live" title sequence.) So people started doing the same trick on TV: sine-wave the image, turn it ninety degrees with ADO, sine-wave it again, then rotate it back ninety degrees. Local TV commercials used the swirling letters a lot (I recall them usually accompanied by wacky electronic effects from stock sound LPs) and the effect was used on "Logan's Run: The Series". So now you know: I know more about how to make bad TV than Matt McIrvin does. Unless I made all that up just to look like a BIG SHOT!!! But he is right that never before or since was the Flexitron used as the sole storytelling device in a work of drama. (Comedy, yes, drama, no.) (Matt, didn't they at least have one of those Grass Valley video switchers that could do diamond-shaped wipes with thick borders around them? WHMT-17 in Schenectady used to make a square with one of those, set it in rotation, and Flexitron that to make a pattern to stare at while they played "The Four Seasons" between shows.) Don't get me started on the Quantel Paintbox, the Fairlight Video Synthesizer, or that piece of sil that Radio Shack sold that could only do wipes in one direction and only in black and white. > There were also those more conventional hand-drawn animations of... the... > I can't... what WERE they? Vegetables? They didn't LOOK like vegetables, > or anything else. There's something about their faces, or lack thereof, > that I can't quite fix in my mind... Faceless vegetables? You mean "WebTV owners". Hope this helps. -- K. Waah, my VCR refuses to record on this tape! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 07:01:50 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > "U N i L U R K" (couggg@gocougs.wsu.edu) wrote: > > > > Did anyone else ever see "Mulligan Stew" and the treehouse/space-time > > travel device segment-thing? What was that and would someone please explain > > the ending for me. TIA. That show, that segment ruined my life forever. > > When I was only 26 and young and naive and had never seen any Gerry and > Sylvia Anderson puppet shows, Kibo described "Thunderbirds" to me, and I > said it sounded like that puppet serial on "Mulligan Stew." I didn't know > what I was talking about, of course; "I didn't know what I was talking about, of course;" -- Matt McIrvin HA HA NOW MATT CAN NEVER RUN FOR PRESIDENT!!! ALSO HE HAD NEVER SEEN "THUNDERBIRDS"! > "Thunderbirds" was macho and phallic-machinery-laden, Oh, that explains why you hadn't seen it. > whereas this "Mulligan Stew" thing was whimiscal > and freaky in a Willy Wonka/Baron von Munchhausen sort of way. The Nazi one or the wacky Pythonesque one? Also, same question re the Baron von Mnchhausen? > The treehouse was a spaceship that got its lifting power from rising yeast. "Waah! We can't land, we're out of falling yeast! Quick, make Lucy Ricardo bake a souffl and have Ricky jump up and down and yell real loud in Spanish!" > What I remember most clearly was the segment where they went to the really > anal planet of talking brooms and dustbins that persecuted anything dirty. Someday alt.religion.kibology is going to get its own TV show, and everyone will mistakenly assume it's a kids show because it's really scary and makes no sense. > I don't remember the ending. Someday you'll be at an elegant dinner party and they'll serve Mulligan stew and you'll suddenly jump onto the table and yell, "NOW I REMEMBER, THE END OF 'MULLIGAN STEW' IS _______________________!" and they'll haul you away in a straitjacket, especially because the ending is probably something involving invisible flying monkeys and bewer's yeast. > > What happened to "Villa Allegre" anyway? > > "Villa Allegre" ran a physics cartoon once that was about weight, levers, > and seesaws. Seesawme Street! Sorry. > To illustrate the concept of a child having a certain > weight, it showed the child sort of morphing into a trapezoidal lead > weight of the kind that usually says "16 TONS" and falls on John Cleese. > The kid's cartoon outlines crumpled and melted into those of an inanimate > chunk of matter... it disturbed me intensely and I had trouble sleeping > that night. Why? Didn't you want to be able to assume different forms at will, like half of the Wonder Twins? Didn't you want to be able to turn into something that Wile E. Coyote could drop on himself? Didn't you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and see the word "SNOT"? -- K. Waah, Leah Verre just caused my VCR to crash and display a hexadecimal error code! THREE TIMES! I hadda push its reset button with a paper clip! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 09:20:35 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Someday alt.religion.kibology is going to get its own TV show, and > > everyone will mistakenly assume it's a kids show because it's really > > scary and makes no sense. > > Someday a.r.k. will get its own tv show, and > > - it will be on local public access tv and no one will watch it, and > nick won't be able to find it when he's checking out the cable tv > stations in seattle. Been there, done that, I still have a reel-to-reel black-and-white EIA-format tape of the best of the show I had in high school. Unfortunately it can no longer be played 'cause that would break the tape, so you're not allowed to see it, unless by "see" you mean "look at it wound up on the spool". Besides, you won't WANT to. > - or it will be on some commercial tv network and will get cancelled > halfway through the first episode after a direct phone call from the > CEO of the network down to the control room. a test pattern will air > in that time slot for the next ten weeks because it is contaminated > with toxic mind waste. But... they didn't air a test pattern after they cancelled "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp." Are you saying I'm more toxic than chimps? -- K. Which would you rather kiss? DON'T ANSWER THAT!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 06:45:23 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "U N i L U R K" (couggg@gocougs.wsu.edu) wrote: > > Leah Verre wrote: > > > > this: There is a doorknocker. An evil and SCARY doorknocker! And it > > TALKS! And tells children to GO AWAY! And every time the damn thing came > > on the TV, even for a nanosecond, I would run into my room and hide in the > > back of my closet. <--- you won't remember that part because you didn't > > know me. Just the part about the doorknocker, please. > > Okay, Tom just said I should say the name "Hodge Podge Lodge". I have no > > idea what this means. > > That seems familiar to the extent that I ran and hid from something like > it... The thing I always ran and hid from was the sketch on "The Electric Company" where this guy was sliding big orange stryofoam "g"s down a little playground slide to people who walked past with short words in little red wagons and the "g" would make them into a different word, and the last one was "lob" which became "glob", and the guy said "WATCH OUT FOR THE GLOB!" and then this big shimmering rainbow-colored electronic blotch slid onto the screen from the side as the soundtrack went "BWAMP!!!!" I think it wouldn't have scared me without the "BWAMP!!!!" The two other things that bugger me were when the girl turned into the ellipsoidal blueberry in that damn Willy Wonka movie, and when people got hit in the face with cream pies on "Beat The Clock" because my mother kept assuring me that anyone who got whipped cream in their eye was going to go blind. > > Does anyone remember staying home from school and watching "Inside Out"? > > Moral dramas set in the rambunctious world of 8-year olds. > > "Inside Out " was the ENTIRE ciriculum of my "school" district. During my > futile attempts at stopping all caffeine consumption I hear the title > moogwork. That's nothing. "Inside Out" was the ENTIRE output of my final college (Emerson, Boston.) Like "Jabberwocky", it was a student production. Apparently the TV schools always figure "Well, we gotta film something, and only kids will watch stuff that's cheap and disjointed." Now, of course, we have community access to do that instead of colleges. > Did anyone else ever see "Mulligan Stew" and the treehouse/space-time > travel device segment-thing? What was that and would someone please explain > the ending for me. TIA. That show, that segment ruined my life forever. > Please tell me that I was not alone in seeing it... Never heard of it. Anyone else seen "Magic Star Traveller" with a guy who travelled through space and time in a spherical jungle gym with a ventriloquist dummy named "Luster"? (Not as in "Willie Tyler and Lester", but a "Lester" *KNOCKOFF*.) They used to sell cassettes of this show at Woolworth's for $1.88 (all their prices were dot-eight-eight) before Woolworth's went out of business (YAYYYY!!!!) and there appear to have been three episodes, one of which starred Pat Morita as Paul Revere, another with Arte Johnson as Betsy Ross, and I can't remember the third but I think it was probably O. J. Simpson as Marie Antoinette. > Maybe I was alone in seeing this. Everything in the room just got smaller. > > What happened to "Villa Allegre" anyway? "Viagra Viagra" changed its name to "Joanie loves Potsie", but they had to take it off the air because in Spain the title means "Joanie loves Pot, Yes!" and also in Thaiwan every episode begins with a voice shouting, "THESE WIMMIN ARE NOW IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION FOR THEIR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY!" I know that these are not urban legends because the show's producer, Garry Marshall, personally told me them through several talk-show appearances where he gave several different versions of them so chances are that they can't ALL be false!!! -- K. For extra credit, find the bulbous yellow submarine hidden prominently in the "Jabberwocky" title animation. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 13:00:18 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The two other things that bugged me were when the girl turned into the > > ellipsoidal blueberry in that damn Willy Wonka movie, and when people got > > hit in the face with cream pies on "Beat The Clock" because my mother > > kept assuring me that anyone who got whipped cream in their eye was going > > to go blind. > > Ah, moms say lots of things make you go blind. Please post a complete list of everything that used to make you go blind, so that we can do the appropriate experiments to see whether these things make us go more blind or less blind now that we know better. Like, if your mom wouldn't let you buy a can of "Slime(R)" because you might get it in your eyes and go blind (because it would be too tiring for your mom to explain that getting it out of the rug would be work) we need to run out and get cans of "Slime(R)" and put them in our eyes to see whether Mom is now more right or less right than she ever was. Also, we must search the medical journals for the strangest reported cases of blindness we can find. Especially any involving cream pies, "Slime(R)", the "Victoria's Secret" catalog, or the famous case of the kid who was sitting EXACTLY six feet from the TV and thus only the front parts of his eyeballs were damaged. -- K. And I demand a free subscription to the Braille version of Playboy -- on audiotape. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Date: Mon, 29 Mar 1999 22:31:18 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > The thing I always ran and hid from was the sketch on "The Electric > > Company" where this guy was sliding big orange styrofoam "g"s down a > > little playground slide to people who walked past with short words in > > little red wagons and the "g" would make them into a different word, > > and the last one was "lob" which became "glob", and the guy said > > "WATCH OUT FOR THE GLOB!" and then this big shimmering rainbow-colored > > electronic blotch slid onto the screen from the side as the soundtrack > > went "BWAMP!!!!" I think it wouldn't have scared me without the "BWAMP!!!!" > > Ahh! I remember that now. Funny, I liked that when I was a kid. That's why you grew up to hold a job where you work with hideous faceless blobs, +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | CAN YOU DRAW OLLIE THE OBVIOUS PUNCHLINE? IF SO, YOU MAY HAVE WON | | ADMISSION INTO THE SPECIAL COMEDY DOODLING HOUSE OF FUNSVILLE 2000! | | | +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ > OK, I don't really remember if I liked it. All of that time I was sitting > in front of the tv is mostly a blur to me now, which I guess was the point, > wasn't it? MARK HILL GOT MENTAL GLAUCOMA FROM HIS TV! > > "Viagra Viagra" changed its name to "Joanie loves Potsie", but they had > > to take it off the air because in Spain the title means "Joanie loves > > Pot, Yes!" > > Actually it was taken off the air because of the name's association with > fascism. (Joanie loves Pot, see?) I see. So, "Fonzie" = "Nazi", and "Ritchie" clearly represented the buouorgeoiaeiousie middle class (hence the nickname "Rich"), while "Ralph" represented man's inhumanity to man, especially with lame jokes. Mr. "Cunning Ham" was clearly someone who was clever but not a good actor, although I don't know what his name meant. And of course there was that whole "Pinko Tuscaderi" thing. This is why Chuck Cunningham became an unperson. Because he was unmutual. -- K. I tried to nail "Happy Days" to "The Prisoner" some more but I couldn't figure out how to stick "Sit On It!" to "Number Two". But I liked the part I imagined about the giant flying leather jacket that suffocates Potsie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 06:27:36 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > "Jabberwocky" is *still* airing in Boston [...] > > > > > > Kibo, what do I have to do to get a tape of that show? > > > > Not much, especially as I owe you for all those Humongous Corp. trade > > secrets you've leaked to me. Leah, I'm dubbing a tape for you right now. You're getting "Jabberwocky on Machines & Inventions" -- in which Filthy Frank learns that life in the olden days before they invented televisions ("What's a televisions?" asks Mr. B) sucked because he couldn't watch "The Partridge Family", followed by "Jabberwocky on Light & Color", then "Jabberwocky on Tomor^H^H^H^H^HYesterday" (it actually has a big "X" through "Tomor", but I can't do that right now), then "Jabberwocky on Being Sick" (Filthy Frank gets sick -- golly, what a surprise), "Jabberwocky on Boxes" (Filthy Frank's favorite, as a box is his sole worldly possession) and then a piece of "Jabberwocky on Money" (with this fantastic psychodrama in which a father -- played by a guy who appears to be a college freshman -- buys his son an invisible bike for his birthday.) Actually, wait, that's one episode too many to fit on your tape. So I'm gonna leave out "Jabberwocky on Light & Color" 'cause it's boring, unlike ALL the others. "Jabberwocky on Machines & Inventions" closes with a rare full cut of the _instrumental_ version of the Jabberwocky theme, in case you want to sing along. I always do, although half the words are unintelligible even when you know what they are. > AWESOME! > > This post rocked, btw. Yours or mine? And what did it rock? And is that good? I am confused by your words of the future. I am living in 1972 where life is GROOVY! Also why else would anyone get a bunch of trash together except to have a party? Hey, guys, Filthy Frank just described this newsgroup! Oh, wow, man, my hair never stops growing while I watch "Jabberwocky" except during the commercials for how Channel 5's helicopter now has a zoom lens that makes the news happen sooner. > Do you remember "Vision ON"? I think it was Scandinavian, but the last time > I remember watching it I was around three years old, so I could be wrong. > I remember the cursive writing of the title screen, it makes a mirror of > itself below it, the whole thing turns sideways and turns into a grasshopper > and bounces away. Never heard of it. Sounds like an evil collaboration between Scott Kim and Kermit Love. While we're on the subject of Kermit Love's "Gerbert", everyone raise you left hand if you remember the original episodes which featured lots of French cartoon filler and the evil screaming Binney The Brush puppet who kept telling us how great Crayola(R) Brand Crayons were. Now raise your right hand if you've seen the show after it moved to Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network and they dropped the cartoons (CARTOONS ARE EVIL!) and the art lessons (ART IS EVIL!) and Gerbert just sat around talking about how God was in control of everything even though you could clearly see a hand working Gerbert's mouth from behind. > Then little feather boas in all colors zoom around the screen and some guy > makes origami sculptures out of rice paper and then eats them. Then there's > a film silent movie of people having a picnic but everything happens > backwards, including un-eating of the food. Then more feather boas fly > around, then the grasshopper/titles bounces by, then some music lifted from > the original "Dating Game" plays. > Anyhow, that's all I remember but I am absolutly aching to see this again. > I believe it came on right between "The Electric Company" and some program > with Vincent Price in it that I have been COMPLAINING TO YOU PEOPLE ABOUT > for a very long time now. Please, someone, please tell me you remember > this: There is a doorknocker. An evil and SCARY doorknocker! And it > TALKS! And tells children to GO AWAY! And every time the damn thing came > on the TV, even for a nanosecond, I would run into my room and hide in the > back of my closet. <--- you won't remember that part because you didn't > know me. Just the part about the doorknocker, please. > Okay, Tom just said I should say the name "Hodge Podge Lodge". I have no > idea what this means. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! HODGE PODGE LODGE!!!! DON'T SAY IT!!!!!!!!! > Does anyone remember staying home from school and watching "Inside Out"? > Moral dramas set in the rambunctious world of 8-year olds. Eh. "Insight" is better. Where's Matt McIrvin with the summary of the oscilloscopes-are-evil episode of "Insight" when we need him? > PS: Dana Hersey is Willy Whistle, isn't he? Well, Dan Berkery (the station manager -- you may recall him as a general in his promos for "M*A*S*H" featuring AN ACTUAL JEEP JUST LIKE THE ONES USED ON THE SHOW) was Willie, Dana was his offscreen buddy. Dan left many years ago, and Dana appears to have been fired when the station went to UPN. (Of course now they have a hip young "urban" voice [i.e. "a black guy who hasn't been told to pretend he's a white guy when he talks"] for their voiceovers, and "The Movie Loft" and "Ask The Manager" are history.) "Ask The Manager" was Channel 38's show where Dan (later Dana) and Meg answered letters from viewers. The best part was that Dan (Dana) never read them before Meg showed them to him on the air. 90% of the answers were either "We can't get that show, another network has exclusive rights to it, and besides, it would cost money" or "We took 'Babylon 5' off the air because we heard it was going to be cancelled in two years and our broadcast engineer was getting tired of trying to screw up the stereo in a different way every week." The bozos never read my letter supporting "Small Wonder". -- K. Maybe asking Meg to sing the theme song was too much. But I made it easy by typing out all the lyrics... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Kibological Quotient Date: Mon, 29 Mar 1999 22:22:26 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Eh. "Insight" is better. Where's Matt McIrvin with the summary of the > > oscilloscopes-are-evil episode of "Insight" when we need him? > > OK, so it's this future world where people are extinct except for Jack > Albertson because everyone has been replaced by machines. And these robots > who looked like carts with stacks of old clunky oscilloscopes on them keep > bugging Jack Albertson and trying to convince him to let himself be > replaced by them, or something. And then he discovers that there's also > this little boy, and they develop a touching grandfather/grandson sort of > relationship that consists of singing "I Know An Old Lady Who Swallowed A > Fly" for about thirty minutes, and then the kid lap-dissolves and we > discover that he's really a pile of oscilloscopes IN DISGUISE. And then a > priest from the Paulist Fathers with big tortoiseshell glasses comes on > and talks about how the human soul could never be replaced and asks us > what WE would do. Think about it, won't you? So you see, oscilloscopes are evil because they can sing "I Know An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly" for up to and including thirty minutes. Also, he wasn't a priest from the Paulist Fathers, he was a father from the Paulist Priests. Also you forgot that Jack Albertson's job in the future world was that he was the only one who entertained all the oscilloscopes in the world even though they didn't think he was funny because they were just stupid oscilloscopes who had good taste. And then he got too high so he hadda burp! -- K. I think ALL movies should have a scene where they get so high that they must BURP OR DIE!!! Which reminds me, I'm up to something with that movie. I call dibs on that movie for the next week. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I'll never get it, NEVER! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 11:03:20 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Please 'scuze the typos but it's waaaaay past my bedtime and this is just a dumb ol' serious article so it doesn't merit spellchecking. David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Francesco Benvenuto (fbenv@iol.it) wrote: > > > > After five years I still wonder at times why my carefully crafted > > jokes, who make myself laugh incontrollably and of which I am > > extremely proud, are regularly ignored, while all the lame articles > > I write while drunk/intoxicated and posted by mistake generate > > endless threads. I routinely blame this on my newsservers. > > > > Except that, six months later, somebody remembers "that extremely > > funny article you posted" (not that I have been anywhere near > > half-funny in the last couple of years, mind you) and mentions that > > he did not dare to followup, as anything else would have paled > > in comparison. > > > > YOU BASTARDS! > > Lesson for Kibologists everywhere: funniness of a post is not determined > by: > 1. Length of original article > 2. Who followed up > 3. Amount of followups No, but its IQ and color code are. By the way, lately I've been busy enough to read mostly blue and brown and tan and purple articles. So if I've said something to you, you're probably a funny color. Also during those days when I don't post there are no brown articles and a.r.k's IQ goes WAYYYYY down. > So therefore a one-line followup is not necessarily less funny than a > 200-line diatribe, I think it's actually a highly skewed bell curve where 0-line and 1-line posts are guaranteed to contain no worthwhile content, and articles that are very long (i.e. 200+ lines, longer than "MAKE.MONEY.FAST") are either very good serious articles, worthwhile works of fiction, or crazy hypergraphitic rants. Somewhere in between is the optimal length, which seems to be in the neighborhood of "50 to 100" from my minimal research, but of course my standards probably aren't yours. Anyway, I shall post my scoring algorithm one of these days and you people can fix the parts that make some of you look stupider than you are. Whoops, I forgot to use a seriousy before I posted the serious paragraph! And I put a wacky at the end of the serious paragraph and ruined it! Now nobody will take me seriously except for people who didn't get it! Waah! ONLY PEOPLE WHO AREN'T SUPPOSED TO LIKE ME ARE GONNA LIKE ME! > and a post that generates a thread that lasts four > weeks in which all the Kibologists participate is not necessarily > funnier than one that got zero responses. I think thread breadth over time and thread depth over time are worthwhile items to measure, as they clearly vary a lot, but I'm not sure what their quantitative significance (or how to assess it) would be. Some threads generate a lot of responses _directly_ to the root article within a day; others generate a deep, but not very wide tree, with each article in the thread getting one to three responses; others generate a very deep tree with almost no branching. The wide trees tend to burn out fast, the extra-deep no-branching ones tend to be two-person discussions (i.e. what could be called 'dialogs' or 'flamewars' -- you can recognize them by the fact that the subject line became outdated twenty posts ago) while the ones in the middle, the trees that are pretty deep and somewhat wide, seem to have a week or two of good content in them. (The posts that _initiate_ the very-wide-and-not-deep trees tend to be spectacularly memorable little posts, too.) I think. These are just my gut assessments. I used to print out some of the bigger trees with trn and look at 'em... > However, as with all things, the magic is in the balance. Posting only > one-liner meme-based followups (e.g. IN BED! THE CLOWN!) is a sure way > to get your score reduced in Leader Kibo's Great Scorefile in the Sky, > and will probably get you few followups. And you can post 500-line > messages forever and they can still all be terminally unfunny. In fact, > that may generate even more followups that if it were funny. I don't think "number of followups" equals "funny". However, the local geometry of an area of the tree -- not just the immediate ancestor/children of the article, but certainly not the tree as a whole either -- can say something about the group's attitude towards that particular thread at that time. But the best stuff in all media is the truly pathological, unpredictable stuff. The best way to measure "did people like my article?" is probably to wait a month and see if people bring up memes from it. Or, just ask people if they remember it. Note that if a meme becomes a catchphrase -- e.g. "ALL OVER YOUR SCREEN!", "filled with bees", "DOGS DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT A MEME!" -- the people quoting it probably didn't learn it from the article in question, but learned it from others who did (directly or indirectly). You know, that "hundredth monkey" crapola. (And sometimes there's outside reinforcement, i.e. you probably know "DOG'S DON'T KNOW..."'s external context from the world of bad TV commercials.) > Nothing is more retarded than someone complaining they got no followups > from their post, which was basically a full quote of a previous post > with "IYKWIM!" tacked on at the end. And I think fB would agree with me > here. Me too, IYKWIM!!! > > In general I am somehow long-article impaired, since: > > > > a) I specialize in one-line followups > > b) I can't make parodies, as dubbing sitcoms back into > > English is likely to make the original references > > utterly uncomprehensible (in a bad way) and I liked > > British sitcoms much more than US ones anyway Incomprehensibility (in a good way) is one of the building-blocks of A.R.K sainthood, though. The question is, how can we figure out how the hell that works so we can actually do it when we want to and not just when I'm really tired? TWIZZLERS! I CALL DIBS ON THE CHERRY TWIZZLERS!!! > > c) I nowadays watch very little TV, the major source of > > Kibological entertainment. I get all the mid-to-late-seventies > > stuff, but relatively little of whatever came thereafter But that's the good stuff. A.R.K never talks about "Cheers" or "E.R." or "Murphy Brown" or even "M*A*S*H". We do, however, talk about "Space: 1999" a lot. Draw your own conclusions. > > d) This group has the collective mind of a six years old and > > I don't think is worth spending my precious free time in > > this stupid way > > HEY DQQD!!!1! R U GOING 2 RIT3 A K-RAD BURNOUT L3TT3R NOW??! The weird part is A.R.K has the mid of a six-year-old fixated on the late sixties and early seventies. So either A.R.K is a very dumb forty-year-old person, or a child with a time machine. AND NUCLEAR WEAPONS!!! I'M GONNA PUT YOU IN THE CORNFIELD FOR NOT LIKING MY RENDITION OF "GREENSLEEVES" ON "LOST IN SPACE"! > > e) I liked this group better when Kibo was away since it was > > more democratic, and Kibo is a bozo anyway and this list > > has nothing to do anymore with its original purpose > > Yeah! This group was better when it was more democratic because we > ELECTED people to be funny, and then after that they were funny no > matter WHAT they said! DOIDY!!! DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY!!!!!!!!! > And remember kids: the purpose of ARK is not to be 'funny.' It is to > have an ever-increasing score and a prettier colour in Leader Kibo's > Colour-Coordinated IQ-Determining Future-Predicting Scorefile. This may > or may not be correlated to 'funniness,' but not necessarily in an > intentional way. A.R.K is *NOT* a "funny funny" place. It is a "funny strange" place. But "funny strange" is sometimes funny, and sometimes strange, so there are "funny funny strange", "strange funny strange", "funny strange funny", and "strange charm bottom" sub-types, whose colors fuse into what we call "molecules", which are half mole and half culottes. MOLES IN PANTS! MOLES IN PANTS! > f) My posts tend to be about how good and pure and whimsical this > group used to be, whilst paradoxically at the same time reminding > elder posters who are getting too uppity how unfunny their first > posts were. > > Hey Francesco, I actually *do* like your stuff. If you'll do another > search, you'll notice that I always include you in the lists of > Kibologists (e.g. the stunt doubles in the wedding post). > > Except for when you complain about how much funnier everything was in > the old days (I thought that was rone's schtick?) and when you complain > that your posts containing lyrics are so obscure that none of the > newbies are going to get the references, and when you claim that no > newbie could ever be as funny as here>. But I'm looking forward to your 600-page Dario Fo dissertation, > if you'll stop throwing anarchists out of windows. Or the story about > the trip to meet the Kibologists that you've been promising. Someday someone's gotta go through the archive and find the first time someone complained about how the group wasn't funny any more, and then everyone laughed at the guy complaining about how it wasn't funny because A.R.K isn't *meant* to be funny, and they laughed and laughed. I suspect the first "YOU PEOPLE USED TO BE FUNNY!" post would be around December 1991. > > My best articles were the ones where I desperately tried to be > > followed up by Lisa Pea (known back then as Eli Higgins) and only > > got followups by Eli Balin. Oh, the disappointment... That is something I like to keep in mind when writing: Who do I expect to respond, and how do I anticipate their response? Then I do something else anyway 'cause my mind wanders. A lot. All the time. > > Nowadays, after many insane followups, I am content enough to be > > completely irrelevant LIKE DAVID PACHECO WROTE IN THOSE ARTICLE > > BACK IN DECEMBER, GUESSED I HADN'T NOTICED EH? > > Qu? > > You personally, Italians in general, Europeans in general, Kibologists > in general, Italian Kibologists? > > However, I do remember referring to you as my "long-lost Italian love, > who sits at night on the shores around Lake Perry Como, whistling > love songs and strumming his guitar-shaped pumpkin" and as the Italian > operative for SOAP (Southern Operative, Archimedes Plutonium), and I > accused Italy of artificially lowering their inflation rate in order to > get a good exchange rate on the euro, and in late November I asked you > to ghost-write my autobiography and asked if I could come over to Rome > to visit you and surrender to the German Kibologists, but I don't > remember referring to you as 'irrelevant' in December. You must be > referring to the September 17th post in which I poked several > Kibologists in the eye with a sharp stick, for no other reason than I > thought I was about to die. Well, did you? Don't keep us in suspense. > Remember, relevance is relative. > > > YOU ARE NOW MY > > SECOND WORST ENEMY RIGHT AFTER TEG PIPES. > > Well, at least I'm in good company. I think the secret of A.R.K is that relevance is BAD. -- K. In a good way. But it's good to be "bad" in today's "hep" "grunge" culture, so being good is actually good in a good way, which means it's REALLY BAD. P.S. THIS IS THE DUMBEST ARTICLE I'VE EVER WRITTEN. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I'll never get it, NEVER! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 13:17:22 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Francesco Benvenuto (frances+dejanews@fis.unico.it) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > By the way, lately I've been busy enough to read mostly blue and brown and > > tan and purple articles. So if I've said something to you, you're probably > > a funny color. Also during those days when I don't post there are no > > brown articles and a.r.k's IQ goes WAYYYYY down. > > WAAAAAAHHH! Kibo spoke to me and now I am a funny color! That still doesn't explain Roy Scheider, George Hamilton, Michael Jackson, Mario, or the Simpsons. Also, when I talk to God, He turns a funny funny funny color, which proves that I'm bigger than God, although He is funnier. -- K. Also He has Marge Simpson's hair. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I'll never get it, NEVER! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 13:23:45 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Francesco Benvenuto (fbenv@iol.it) wrote: > > The Ur-Beatle (talysman@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > like, for instance, about two months ago I posted what I > > thought was a pretty witty parody of an Ingmar Bergman film. > > no one followed up! no one even referred obliquely to it > > in another post! WAAAAH! I AM NOT ALLOWED! > > After five years I still wonder at times why my carefully crafted > jokes, who make myself laugh incontrollably and of which I am > extremely proud, are regularly ignored, while all the lame articles > I write while drunk/intoxicated and posted by mistake generate > endless threads. I routinely blame this on my newsservers. > > Except that, six months later, somebody remembers "that extremely > funny article you posted" (not that I have been anywhere near > half-funny in the last couple of years, mind you) and mentions that > he did not dare to followup, as anything else would have paled > in comparison. > > YOU BASTARDS! I would just like to say that I have finally caught up on all 27 articles in this thread, this is the last unread one. Also, I've been wondering why nobody mentioned or reponded to my WedgieTron post, which was every bit as good as that extremely funny article you posted that I don't remember anything about. -- K. I'm only mean to FB 'cause it's a pain to retype his long name when my newsreader tries to throw it away when I make a followup. (It does that to most people's names, I need to complain about it.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I'll never get it, NEVER! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 11:06:48 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) writes: > > > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) writes: > > > > > > Someday, someday soon now, Usenet will test the theory of whether an > > > infinite number of Kibo's at an infinite number of keyboards could post > > > an infinite amount of followups to an infinite amount of nonsense. > > > > Oh, I think we've already proven the same thing with our current finite > > number of Kibo's at his finite number of keyboards. WELCOME DATACOMP WELCOME DATACOMP WELCOME DATACOMP WELCOME DATACOMP > Here is where I'd like to see a picture of a chimp, preferrably one that > spent time as an extra on Gilligan's Island, with a photo of Kibo's head > superimposed onto the chimp's head, with a little thought bubble that > says, "doidy doidy doidy sproing! doidy doidy" and a laugh track and maybe > a dish of those lovely little thin chocolate mints the really nice > restaurants give you after dinner. Stacia, I'd just like to say that yours is a great example of a short article which made me laugh and which I couldn't possibly top so I decided not to follow up to it, instead saving it to put it directly into a "Best Of" anthology, whereas with other people's posts I followup to them and quote the good parts and add wacky stupid stuff at the bottom. -- K. This is also the first time I've laughed in about three weeks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I dare you to reply to this message Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 11:09:11 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) wrote: > > I'm sorry - comedy is not commutative. [500 one-line followups != one > 500-line followup, even if it's 500 one-liners smoooshed together.] I would just like to say that it's odd that the most interesting "serious-style with other emotive components" threads in alt.religion.kibology are the ones about "why the hell do some people apparently find this crap we're cranking out funny?" Me, I thought it was a recipes newsgroup! I been putting bees and Pop-Tarts and poutine and Roy Scheider in my microwave and I keep waiting for something to happen to make them into food! -- K. Roy Scheider needs a Perdue pop-up timer stuck into him. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I dare you to reply to this message Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 13:26:53 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > David Pacheco wrote: > > > > However, as with all things, the magic is in the balance. Posting only > > one-liner meme-based followups (e.g. IN BED! THE CLOWN!) is a sure way > > to get your score reduced in Leader Kibo's Great Scorefile in the Sky, > > and will probably get you few followups. And you can post 500-line > > messages forever and they can still all be terminally unfunny. In fact, > > that may generate even more followups that if it were funny. > > > > Really? > > IN BED! > THE CLOWN! > IN BED! > THE CLOWN! > IN BED! > THE CLOWN! > IN BED! > THE CLOWN! > IN BED! > THE CLOWN! > [...] > IN BED! > THE CLOWN! > IN BED! > THE CLOWN! > IN BED! > THE CLOWN! > IN BED! > THE CLOWN! > IN BED! > THE CLOWN! > IN BED! SITTIN' ON A RITZ!!!! I WIN!!! TIMESED BY INFINITY 2000!!!! NO GIVEBACKS!!!! -- K. NO CALLBACKS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Fred 'n' Ginger Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 22:11:14 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote in message ... > > > > SITTIN' ON A RITZ!!!! > > > > Yeah, I love those old Fred Aster movies, too! Him and that Ginger Rogers > dolly sure could cut a rug! Excuse me, but there was never any such person as Ginger Rogers. You're thinking of Gracie Allen, princess of Mo-Naco. So please stop trying to "troll" me into thinking that television's beloved Misterogers is really a woman! -- K. So which era was more orthographically offensive: "Misterogers", or "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood"? One's a ham-fisted attempt at cleverness, and the other's just plain wrong. Unless Mister Roger had himself cloned. And that would be a crying shame. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: NIPPLES EVERYWHERE! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 11:13:21 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Dude, rats don't have six nipples in a row. Do they? You're confusing nipples with bowling pins and billiards, which are in triangles. Nipples are in a parallelogram, like the shape I always expect Altoids to be because they're supposedly lozenges when really they're just fake Canada mints, and the real ones come from the Necco plant in MIT's nuclear reactor's parking lot. -- K. And every fifth nipple is reserved for future expansion. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: That's annoying. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 12:17:45 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > "The Zork Melinda" (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > Spent an hour this morning looking for a book. Finally found it about 3 > > feet from where it was supposed to be. > > > > I suppose I really should clean house. > > Ironically, the book was "Spatial Visualization for Dummies." > > Hi, and welcome to Microsoft Standup Comedian++ v.3.1! Please select > topics for today's material from the following list: > > 1. Airplane food/flying > a- The 6 Peanuts in an impossible-to-open foil bag > b- Nausea/food poisoning examples > c- Anecdotes of people throwing up > d- Lost luggage In the upgrade from Lite to the Professional edition (Microsoft Open-Mike Night Pro): The black box! The word "cockpit"! The tiny size of the bathroom! > 2. The differences between men and women > a- Why men are dumber than women (self-deprecating) > b- Why women are dumber than men (self-deprecating) > c- Why men are dumber than women (un-PC, 'edgy') > d- Why women are dumber than men (un-PC, 'edgy') > e- Differences in driving skills > I. Parking > II. Braking > III. Back-seat driving IV. Old people's driving - Old men drive real slow, and wear stupid hats too - Old women can't see over the wheel > f- The remote control/TV > I. Ownership and possession > II. Constant flipping vs. careful perusal > III. Inability to change channels without it > g- Sex > I. Men want it more than women > II. Men would be surprised, some women want it too > III. The penis and how it controls the male brain > IV. The lengths to which men will go for a blowjob h- Vegetables - Men know they're icky! - Women eat them real dainty! > h- Menstruation and how it affects behaviour > i- Eating habits > j- Reactions to break-ups k- Men's pants' waistbands go up as they get older, women's breasts go down > 3. The differences between cats and dogs > a- Cats are smart, dogs are dumb > b- Dogs are a man's best friend, women get diamonds > c- If I could lick myself like that, I wouldn't leave the house > d- Dogs humping leg/sniffing crotches in embarassing situations > e- Cats being clumsy (falling, bonking into objects) and then > acting as if nothing happened. > 4. The differences between and > (e.g. black/white, jewish/catholic, gay/straight etc.) > a- Driving habits > b- Language ridiculization (inc. 'slang') > c- is smarter than (self-deprecating) > d- is smarter than (un-PC, 'edgy') > e- Walking styles > f- Foreigners > g- Japanese tourists and ridicule thereof i- People (especially the comedian) who are half of each ("I'm half black and half white, I feel like a trendy cookie!") j- What to do if the comedian is a minority poorly-represented in the audience ("I feel like the only white chocolate chip in the cookie!") > 5. Miscellaneous > a- Single shoe by side of road > b- Answering machine messages > c- Jewish mothers > d- Saddam Hussein and forms of mispronounciation of his name The new version is more versatile and generalizes (d) to "Clapper about " (A "clapper" is defined as "Hey, we bombed the shit out of Yugoslavia today!" where the audience goes "WOOOOOOOOO! CLAP CLAP CLAP! YAY! OUR TINY BRAINS ARE BEING STIMULATED!") > e- The in-laws NOTE: Now removed from all editions except "Fifties Retro". > 6. Drink/drunkenness > a- Personal anecdotes > b- Places you have puked > c- Trying to speak whilst inder the unfluense > d- The Need to Urinate > e- Trying to fool the cops f- Your entire audience is obviously drunk 'cause they think you're funny > 7. The comedian's life > a- Traveling > b- Cheap hotels > c- The question "So, what do you do?" and how to answer it > d- "People in the audience in X were so slow, ..." where X is > not tonight's venue e- Abusive, stupid parents > 8. Topics for late-night TV-hosts ONLY > a- OJ Simpson (inc. Judge Ito) > b- Monica Lewinsky/Linda Tripp > c- New York cab drivers > d- Janet Reno's perceived masculinity > e- Newt Gingrich/Rush Limbaugh > I. Are so fat > II. Have funny names Note that this is a misprint in the manual, (I) and (II) are actually available in all of (a) through (e). HAW HAW, (I) looks like a butt! <-- (f) > Please select repeat-phrase: > 1. What's up with that? > 2. I'm right, right? Am I right? > 3. D'you know what I mean? > 4. Like, ... > 5. Here's what I don't get... 6. (Exclusive property of Conan O'Brien): "No, really, this really happened..." > Please select one the following delivery styles: > 1. Laid-back, 'California' > 2. Screaming, obnoxious > 3. Ironic detachment > 4. Near-catatonia > 5. Hip New Yorker > 6. Alienated Russian > 7. Near-constant sexual innuendo > 8. Props 9. Bob Hope (OBSOLETE) > Please select backdrop: > 1. Brick wall > 2. New York skyline > 3. Black with stars 4. Huge photo of comedian's face (ONLY AVAILABLE IN VEGAS) Don't forget these exciting new features in the Pro version: * Choice of locally-relevant "cheerer" opener ("Hey, I was reading about THE PROVIDENCE BRUINS in THE PROVIDENCE JOURNAL today... THEY BOTH SUCK!") * The comedian has to make fun of the one drunk guy in the audience who laughs at the jokes nobody else does, and the one guy in the audience who actually gets the culturally obscure references (if any) * At least one really bad impression of: - the "Lost In Space" robot - William Shatner - Bill Clinton - gay people - black people - gay black William Jefferson Shatner (DANGER!! OVERLOAD!!) * Deep observational comments about how people who watch infomercials are stupid, containing complete descriptions of several infomercials nobody except the comedian watched * And, just for me, a button that makes it yell "DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY!" -- K. For other people there could be a button that puts in a computer-animated dancing baby. P.S. Someday I'm gonna dare myself to tell a bunch of knock-knock jokes at open-mike night. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: That's annoying- UPDATED! Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 22:27:17 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Dear Mr. Kibo, > > On behalf of the Microsoft Development Team, I would like to thank you > for your recent suggestions on potential improvements to Microsoft > Standup Comedian++ v.3.1. I am happy to announce that several of them > have been implemented in the latest version of the product, Microsoft > Standup Comedian++ 2000, which we will be releasing in the first quarter > of 1901. > > [...] > > The "Help" file includes the following topics: > > 1- What to do with your hands > 2- Mike stand or handheld? With commentary by Jake Johanssen WAAH! MY COPY HAS BUSTER POINDEXTER INSTEAD!!! And a complete copy of "Car 54: Where Are You?: The Movie" and/or "Car 54: The Movie: Where Are You?" > 3- The stool and the glass of water: stage placement for maximum > humour effect > 4- Sweat and how to deal with it. Advanced tips from Louie Anderson > and Bobcat Goldthwait. > 5- How to rip off George Carlin's jokes without direct plagiarizing > > ...and many more! Will you throw in, for the college kids, "How to recite entire Monty Python sketches with no attempt at originality or delivery but still think you're at least as funny as they were"? Or at least the junior "Recent Saturday Night Live Catchphrases *YOU* Can Do" module? > [...] > > NOTE: "Bob Hope" delivery style was removed from this version after > causing terminal apathy in beta testers. You could replace him with "Andy Dick -- Putting A Gay New Spin On Andy Kaufman's Material!" except you might get sued for ripping off Andy's ripoff of Andy's act. Also, everyone knows that Dave Foley was the flamboyantly gay guy in "NewsRadio", not Andy Dick. > -dp. > Long awkward silence. > Nervous cough. > Crickets. Science question: How short can an awkward silence be before people fail to notice it to be properly embarassed by it? -- K. Is it less than the length of the word "fudgicle"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: That's annoying. Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 22:31:16 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. Someday I'm gonna dare myself to tell a bunch of knock-knock > > jokes at open-mike night. > > OK, but only if while you tell them picking at your face until it > bleeds, and every time you tell a joke and no one laughs, the wet stain > in the crotch of your pants spreads a little bit further. Hey, you're trying to TRICK me into ripping off David Cross's act! Well, it'll never work because I have too much respect for him, what with him being in "Apollo 13" and getting his start in "The Corbomite Maneuver" and all! Now, his partner, Steve Oedekerk, him I wouldn't mind ripping off. Except that you could get more laughs by ripping off Hitler's act. And besides, Mike Bent might come on stage and make his hand barf on me. -- K. A.R.K refuses to let the world forget the "Steve.Oedekerk.Com" special. And I missed it, WAAH! I mean, YAYYYY!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: That's annoying. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 12:57:49 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Melissa (mg@minnmicro.com) wrote: > > David Pacheco wrote: > > > > Hi, and welcome to Microsoft Standup Comedian++ v.3.1! Please select > > topics for today's material from the following list: > > > > [...] g- Japanese tourists and ridicule thereof > > > Please everyone be nice to Japanese tourists. You misspelled "Prease to evelyone to being nice to Japan toulists." followed by a ripoff of Andy Kaufman saying "THAK OO VEDDY MICH!" And you need to put on the really thick glasses with the giant Spock eyebrows and gigantic buck teeth and fluorescent chartreuse skin and a blue quilted pajamasuit and a ponytail and silk skullcap and nod and bow constantly with your arms folded while eating a dog. With a non-racist attitude like yours, you'll *never* become a good bad standup comedian! (I find it amazing that there are actually three or four kinds of comedy that are so offensive by modern standards that even comedy-club audiences won't stand for it. Usually. Amazingly, there are still hacks out there doing the "ME RIKEE FLIED LICE WITH DOG" voice, doing the one about them moving the trees closer together in Harlem, etc. There should be a special place where all those comedians are penned up. And then once we've identified this group of people, we would all start telling jokes about the group of racist comedians: "How many racist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?") > They gave me my camera. A generous family of Japanese tourists left it > on a shuttle bus in Las Vegas during Comdex, and my dad brought it home > for me. I sense Microsoft Standup Comedian sneaking up behind me about to say something about a _family_ of _tourists_ travelling halfway around the world to go to a trade show... I better unplug it now. Waah! You can only inactivate it by heckling it! And I don't own a copy of Microsoft Direct/Heckle 2000! > A camera! I exclaimed. Much better than the usual lousy t-shirts and lousy > bags of cash. And then Dad explained how he got it and I felt guilty that > he'd just scooped this camera up but he says he checked around and it didn't > belong to anybody on the bus at that time and for all he knew the real > owners were already on a plane. But then I realized I had a free camera, > and I didn't feel guilty anymore! Besides, if you had penetrated to the back of Comdex, you would have noticed that they were handing out free cameras that day. (Waah, I only got a bunch of tote bags and shirts and stuff. I'm still using the one that says "RICOH -- IMAGE COMMUNICATION" in giant letters.) > The easy buttons and the switch that opens the lens are in English. But the > instruction book isn't! Waah! Also, there's 4 little function buttons on > the back that have teeny-tiny characters next to them. One of them looks > like this: > ____ > / \ > /______\ > | | > / _| > > Like a tiny dancing mushroom. I don't know what that button is supposed to > do. That indicated that the operator of the camera has eaten some tiny mushrooms and now sees dancing mushrooms everywhere, and automatically applies a "REMOVE SWIRLY PSYCHEDELIC BLOBS" filter to all the photos you take while high. > But that's okay. The pictures off that first roll were quite nice - several > shots of very pretty hotels, with smiling former-camera-owners in front. I > just wish I could contact "my" Japanese tourists, to let them know that I > appreciate their selflessness, and that I've given their camera a good, > loving, stable home. But what sort of Japanese tourists would go to Comdex with a camera that takes FILM? -- K. Just imagine how your grandkids will react when you tell them about "video" "tape". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: That's annoying. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 07:38:03 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > With a non-racist attitude like yours, you'll *never* become a > > good bad standup comedian! > > How many members of a particular ethnic group does it take to > screw in a lightbulb? > > N+1 -- one to change it and N to act in a manner stereotypical > of that ethnic group. Thank you ladies and germs I will be > here all week end of line. I really like the part of your act where Bruce Boxleitner throws a frisbee into your crotch after Jeff Bridges makes it stop revolving. Then he slides up the rainbow in my one-megabyte .signature. -- K. Notice how I avoided making any "Babylon 5" references 'cause I don't want it to get cancelled. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: That's annoying. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 13:10:10 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Melissa (mg@minnmicro.com) charmed us with her fun fungus: > > The easy buttons and the switch that opens the lens are in English. But > the instruction book isn't! Waah! Also, there's 4 little function buttons > on the back that have teeny-tiny characters next to them. One of them > looks like this: > ____ > / \ > /______\ > | | > / _| > > Like a tiny dancing mushroom. I don't know what that button is supposed > to do. Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) suggested: > > If there's no horizontal line on top, this is what WWWJDIC says Why are you consulting your What Would Jesus Do In Infinite Combinations bracelet that you bought from Gene Roddenberry? > this character can represent: > "part; minute of time; segment; share; degree; one's lot; duty; understand; > know; rate; 1%; chances; shaku/10" > > The first entry when I looked up words that used that character was > "fun" (pronounced more accurately as HOON), which means "minute". > So I guess that's a one-minute timer. > > I imagine the other three are too weird and complex to look like > anything you can draw... The best Japanese characters are the ones nobody can draw, including Japanese people with all the brushes in the world. This is why Japanese cameras say "THE SWITCH THAT OPENS THE LENS" in English, because nobody has ever discovered how to draw the infinitely complex nine-dimensional Japanese character for it. The Zork Melinda (smjames@my-dejanews.com) hazarded this guess: > > Solarise. > > Load a picture of person in Photoshop and then solarise it. You'll > understand the mushroom bit. "SOLARIZE? NO, JUST UP TO HER KNEES WOULD BE FINE!" You're confusing Photoshop's Solarize function (which really bites, by the way -- it just applies a transfer curve shaped like "//", which lacks all the subtlety and surprise of solarizing color film) with Photoshop's popular "FOLD A DOLLAR BILL UNTIL GEORGE WASHINGTON TURNS INTO A MUSHROOM" function. You can learn about it in "Ed McMahon's Photoshop Companion". Noah A Christis (haon4707@my-dejanews.com) helped with this: > > There used to be dancing mushrooms on tv that would teach english to > those of us who couldn't afford to go to juku, or were too young. > > there were a whole bunch of them, and my favorite skit went something > like this: > > [note: the mushrooms look sort of like decapitated jello, and are > floating around the screen bamfing in and out. They have no > teeth and at first glance appear to be ghosts from pacman.] > > > red mushroom: boo! booga wooga woo! red! I the red! > > blue mushroom: blue! ha ha ha! > > green mushroom: akai! akai! she is a red! GREEN! green MUSHROOM! > > yellow mushroom: corors are fuuun!! green is midori! yellow is me! > > red mushroom: boo! > > [all the mushrooms laugh maniacally] It's so much like my dreams it's scary. From now on, I suggest that Dr. Matt McIrvin should explain all my posts in that format. Don't forget the "booga wooga woo!" part. When taken out of context, Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) veered into the surreal with: > > In America we eat with brass knuckles. Well, half the people do. The other half eat AGAINST brass knuckles. -- K. Another thread caught up with, only about 200 more to go. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Momentous event Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 12:45:51 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Maelstrom (maelstrom-ark@sga.nu) wrote: > > Today is the last time I will *ever*, *Ever* *EVER* read a sex story on > Usenet. Will you still at least write 'em? I think you should found an "I SWEAR I WILL NEVER READ ANOTHER SEX STORY ON THE INTERNET" club. It could be a twelve-step program. And all the steps could be in high heels. AND THE NINTH STEP COULD BE YOU SQUISHING A GRAPE! (Anyone else remember the guy who was busted for selling -- via the Internet -- videos of men wearing high heels stepping on white mice taped to the floor?) > > I helped him take off my bra, and then I stepped out of my skirt. He > > watched wide-eyed as I pulled my panties down. > > "Grandma, you got a nice body," he said. > > EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Dear Richard Kiel, You're in luck! I've been collecting creepy erotica from the Internet for just such an occasion. And I was just thinking that I hadn't posted excerpts for a year or so. So, just for you, are some choice quotes I've collected from Internet stories and/or other "erotica"-related posts. -> Does the phrase "Kryptonite bikini" turn anyone else on? I.e., Superman -> forced into a tight K-mesh g-strap that completely weakens him. -> Did anyone try it? Sometimes when I have to "go" for gas - i take a cake -> out of a fridge, get undressed (put my dress aside walking stark naked) -> - bending down my arse to a cake and go full blast. I dont know why it -> turn me on, but when my husband Chris smells it and sees the vision he -> can almost pass out out of passion and exhilaration. -> Little Billy Burlap and his Dog Buttcheese Part 1 -> Looking for a nice foot m/f to amputate -> I am posting this here by request of someone in another -> newsgroup that is not a binary newsgroup. It's a -> picture of a man's balls and penis in a salad, garnished -> and all. -> THESE GUTS ARE JUST WAITING TO BE PUNCHED RIGHT UNDER THE BELLYBUTTON -> Wear a tight jock strap lined with very course steel wool -> I am looking for males and females that are interested in cooking or -> eating females -> I am looking for video clips, pictures and stories of men tied up and -> being sawed in half or being tortured under a razor sharp pendulum blade -> swinging above their waist. I would prefer to see men torturing other -> men and have the executioner masturbating his victim as the blade or saw -> decends to a thin and helpless stomach. -> I have a rather unusual fetish and I was wondering if anybody else out -> there has any similar fetishes or experiences. I have a fetish for smelling -> women's bicycle seats...especially after a woman has been riding her bike -> for a long period of time wearing tight lycra/spandex tights. I know I'm -> not alone in having this fetish so who else out there also likes this? -> Thanks. -> It seems like a good thing might be a penectomy without the castration, -> so that you could feel no pleasure but still have your balls tortured. -> Hours after feeling the shocks, my toes -> still twitched. The next day I decided to treat myself to a pedicure, -> and pamper my toes that had been so badly shocked the night before. -> I also wanted to have my toenail polish changed to a brighter red color. -> It was hard for my manicurist to paint to -> my toes because they would occasionally twitch. Since that time, I -> have not tried the stun gun because I am afraid that the twitching -> that the twitching may not stop. -> "Its my pooch, Pox, he's a tele-poodle." -> -> "A what?" -> -> "You know, a telepath. He's a poodle who happens to be a telepath. He -> also does telekinesis too." -> -> "What?" Mary was flabbergasted. Either this clown was insane or she -> was having heat stroke. -> I love to see bunions bulging out of spike heeled shoes!! -> Has anyone else ever set a pair of leather penny loafers on fire? Well, -> I have, and It makes me extremely horny. I love to dowse them in kerosene -> and drop lit matches into them. I then begin to masturbate as I watch the -> fire do its thing to the shoes. Large flames roll out of the loafers, as -> the leather uppers turn oily and crumply. The soles then begin to curl, -> as oily juices from within the leather, bubble to the surface. Flames -> from inside the shoes ignite the juices from the leather. Then, the flames -> spread out across the outer surface of the leather, engulfing the soft -> uppers completely. As the leather begins to come apart in the hungry -> flames, I have an incredible orgasm. That's the fun I find in burning -> loafers. -> I found a Baby Pony nightgown. It is pink with rosebuds printed on it, -> has a hole for the tail and lace around the collar with a pink bow on -> it. Does anyone know what outfit this goes to? It doesn't have any -> separate places for the pony's legs to go into.I have 2 of these now, so -> I know it's not homemade. I think the one about the burning loafers is the best, the writing style is quite evocative. I also have a hunch this is going to be one of the most-requested alt.religion.kibology articles in DejaNews. -- K. I will NOT post the collection of pictures that go with these, EVER. (I still can't figure out why I've been saving them...) P.S. Maelstrom, my apologies if you wrote any of those paragraphs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Momentous event Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 07:31:58 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > (Anyone else remember the guy who was busted for selling -- via the > > Internet -- videos of men wearing high heels stepping on white mice > > taped to the floor?) > > AAAAAAA! Those were MEN? Gah. No, they were mice, if he had been stepping on men in mouse costumes it would have been a Monty Python episode -- oh, you mean the guy in the shoes. Yes, it was the guy who shot the videos. YOUR HONOR, PERMIT ME TO REFRESH THE WITNESS'S MEMORY WITH A REPOST APPENDED TO THIS EXHIBIT. > > -> THESE GUTS ARE JUST WAITING TO BE PUNCHED RIGHT UNDER THE BELLYBUTTON > > I thought it said "GUYS" instead of "GUTS", which somehow made it funnier. That was something about a guy who wanted people to help him fantasize that they were punching him in the gut, which I presume would be the opposite of Matt McIrvin's childhood fantasy, whatever it was. I find it interesting that he was only interested in guts being punched, not, say, faces or feet. I mean, feet are more clearly erotic in the normal perverted way. -- K. perversion is just inversion turned sideways! \/\/\/ Flexitron ripples /\/\/ Flexitron ripples /\/\/ Flexitron ripples /\/\/\ A repost of an article I only wrote because my newsreader lit up in purple when it saw the string "abian". From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 2die4.com member arrested Newsgroups news.admin.net-abuse.usenet, alt.religion.kibology Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 5 May 1998 05:02:18 GMT In news.admin.net-abuse.usenet, Fabo (fabian@li.net) wrote: > > According to News12 Long Island, he had an opration that sold videos of > him and other women dressin lingeree crushing white mice that were taped > by their tails to the floor. > > The participants used spiked heels > > OUCH !! This is an interesting fetish. For instance, if he had videotaped women crushing gray mice whose tails were stapled to the floor, that presumably would be a different fetish (or at least a different newsgroup.) If they were crushed with platform heels, that would be another. And if they were crushed against the accelerator pedal by a bare foot, that would be yet another. So the fetish as described involves a) women b) lingerie c) crushing d) white e) mice f) tape (duct or Scotch?) g) stiletto heels I.e. it combines lingerie fetish, bondage (tape) fetish, foot fetish, bestiality, and the ever-popular Crushing Of White Things. Ever notice nobody ever crushes, or throws, brown eggs? MAKES YOU THINK, DOESN'T IT? And although rats are generally less popular than mice, nobody finds killing rats erotic. And *everyone* is turned on by duct tape. *Nobody* is turned on by masking tape. And the less said about Scotch Lo-Tack Repositionable, the better. But it boggles the mind that anyone whose fetish is as specific as a-b-c-d-e-f-g above would be willing to watch someone else's videotape. You'd think that by the time they've specialized that much, EVERY other person's fetish would be "wrong" (i.e. "This sucks! The tape is applied in an 'X', not straight across the way I need it!") But somewhere out there is someone who bought the women-lingerie-crushing-white-mice- tape-stiletto tape. (Immediately an NBC executive enters the room and says, "Hey! This must be some hip underground Gen-X trend we're only barely aware of, like that new 'Macarena' thing! We better broadcast a new TV series to capitalize on the vast untapped mouse-crushing audience!") Then NBC makes a new series where fashion models, all wearing red patent leather stilettos with gold tips, crush mice held down with tape, with multicolored ribbon bows tied to their tails. It gets a 100 rating the first week, and the other networks start airing knockoffs within a week: CBS has TV stars of yesteryear crushing mice in their own homes, delivered by the CBS Mouse Fetish Team. ABC shows one-on-one hour-long sessions between Barbara Walters and a single mouse on a black limbo set. Fox shows midget transvestites jumping up and down in buckets of mice. WB asks viewers to send in their own mouse tapes and the cost of postage will be refunded to the person who sends the best one. UPN has the cast of "Star Trek" Voyager" crushing mice live in grunge nightclubs. Of course, by Week 2, when all these other shows premiere, they all get 0 ratings because you seen one crushed mouse, you seen 'em all. The new Mouse Crushing Network (MCN), a joint venture of Microsoft, Disney, Paramount, and Ted Turner, goes bankrupt and switches to showing computer mice being crushed in a hydraulic press 24 hours a day. Then, of course, all the sitcoms start doing lame jokes about mouse crushing fetishists. Johnny Carson puts his show back on the air for one night just so he can dress up as a mouse and say "Eek! Eek!" as Paula Poundstone puts her foot to his back while Ed McMahon holds his tail down in a sketch called "PAULA POUNDMOUSE". The show, like all the others, flops, but... in Japan, it's an enormous hit because the title contains the phrase "POUND MOUSE". The imitation cycle begins again... "THE POUND MOUSE HAPPY HOUR", "POUND MOUSE WITH JEN AND KIKI", "THE POUNDERS OF MOUSE", "POUND MOUSE Z" premiere in Japan in cartoon form. These "pound mouse anime" shows develop a huge underground following in America because they're so incomprehensible and poorly animated that the shows are assumed to be incredibly good. College students everywhere give up their studies and start trying to learn Japanese so they can understand "POUND MOUSE Z". But nobody ever understands "POUND MOUSE Z", because those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat their mistakes: "PANTY CAT" taught us NOTHING. -- K. I miss Panty Cat. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Momentous event Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 22:37:13 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I think you should found an "I SWEAR I WILL NEVER READ ANOTHER SEX STORY > > ON THE INTERNET" club. > > [...] > > I will NOT post the collection of pictures that go with these, EVER. > > > > (I still can't figure out why I've been saving them...) > > So that someone else wouldn't? That's it! Because that someone... just... might... be... BOB HOPE!!! Imagine Bob Hope reading porno stories on the Internet. Now write a story about Bob Hope reading porno stories on the Internet. Now send it to someone else so that you don't have to think about it again! The world is a better place thanks to Bob Hope being uninvolved with cyberporn. > Dave "is there anyone out there who gets off on wavfiles of people typing > really fast, then having to backspace?" DeLaney back... space? Is this something new in Windows 2000? Does it require a special Windows 2000 keyboard, or can I just use my special Windows 98 keyboard? -- K. Do I *HAVE* to have a keyboard? Can't I just type on the screen? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Momentous event Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 22:07:10 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) quoted: > > > > -> Does the phrase "Kryptonite bikini" turn anyone else on? I.e., Superman > > -> forced into a tight K-mesh g-strap that completely weakens him. > ^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^ > > I wacky-parsed that as "completely awakens". I'm just glad you typed in "quoted:" where it said "wrote:". 'Cause I wouldn't want to be accused of writing that. However, the "completely awakens" thing seems like a good idea, especially as I'm almost asleep. THE KRYPTONITE K-MESH G-STRAP WITH D-RINGS & U-JOINTS Copyright (C) 1938 Canter & Siegel & Simon & Schuster (Always piss off lawyers by giving them the copyrights to things you don't want.) Chapter 1. "ZZZZ!" super-snored Superman as he napped in his crystal hammock at the Fortress Of Nuditude, where he liked to walk around nude. Just then, Lois Lane, who had been amusing herself in the fortress's invisible bowling alley, was kidnapped by the villanous Lorna Loone, wielding her deadly cookie cobweb! "Egads!" squealed Lois as womanly as she could while Lorna's cookie crumbs crumbled her will to remove her shoes from the dot directly in front of, but twenty-four feet away from, the head pin. "If only I could awaken Superman by putting his Kryptonite thong bikini on him and attaching it with this bicycle lock! But my feet are welded to this unbreakable floor by the powerful force of cookie cobwebs! Looks like I'll just have to fling it and hope for the best!" She hurled Superman's daintiest undies through the air high over Lorna Loone's ravishing yet evil head. They sailed in a high arc past the Disintegration Room, through the Super Museum, past the Heavy Water Cooler, past the endless supply of robot duplicates of Superman to be used whenever the comic-book writers wrote themselves into a corner, and the underwear landed neatly about Superman's family jewels on all sides simultaneously. It fit like a glove, and didn't even chafe his legs as it slid itself up them with the momentum of Lois's luckiest girl-throw ever! "Mmmmmrrrmmmpf," said Superman, awakening grumpily. He put his fist through his alarm clock. Something was wrong! The underwear had not awakened him completely! Lois gasped in awed horror as she detected the deadly detail that SHE HAD THROWN SUPERMAN'S DAINTY BIKINI BOTTOM ONTO HIM BACKWARDS! Chapter 2. THE END! -- K. I will pay everyone a dollar to NOT illustrate this story. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Will somebody please Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 13:43:28 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) wrote: > > The Zork Melinda (smjames@my-dejanews.com) says: > > > > thwap Gary Williams for me. I'm innocently reading article to article and > > suddenly the newsreader freezes up. I look at the PPP display and see it > > transferring the Gutenberg Bible. > > > > "Oh, lordy. Another Gary Williams binary." > > You can prolly write his site's postmaster or abuse address, and ask > them to thwap [or "LART", to use the technical term] him for you. Binaries are > Not Allowed outside .binaries. groups; we don' wannem here. > > Dave "URLs are fine to post; so are posts that say "Hey I posted this GIF > to alt.binaries.kibo.hunting" " DeLaney Actually, I've posted binaries (pictures, and my PostScript .signature) to a.r.k several times, but the general feeling on Usenet is that it must be done only where really warranted. I don't do it any more, 'cause now there's this place called "The Web" where you can put something and it'll STAY there where people can find it for as long as you want, and it won't break anyone's newsreader (just their Web browser) and stuff. But a.r.k has no formal rule for whether or not binaries are appropriate, and in general anything's appropriate in a.r.k. Dave, I honestly don't think it's worth complaining to his site administrator just 'cause he posted one (relatively small) picture to a.r.k, given that there are plenty of other things to wring one's hands over on a.r.k, and certainly even more elsewhere. I think the consensus is that binaries are "inappropriate" (the degree of inappropriateness depends on who you ask) but they're not "not allowed". They do clog up peoples' connections if they're big. Again, we got the Web these days. Usenet is not an efficient means of broadcasting a picture or sound file at people -- it might need to be split, sites may filter it out, it might be big enough to make people VERY mad at you, and most importantly, it'll disappear from most sites within a couple days of arrival. (My site maintains seven days' worth of a.r.k, but I think such an expire time for alt.* is unusual for an Internet provider.) If you put the picture on the Web people can get it whenever they want, with no problems for anyone who doesn't want it. But there is no formal "charter" for a.r.k. The closest it ever came was the line someone (I think me -- anyone know?) made up for the description line, "For worship and/or scorn of Kibo." The entry on Dave Lawrence's (or perhaps someone else's) list of newsgroups for years was "He's Fred, Jim." which is particularly meaningless. Others show up from time to time. NOW STOP MAKING ME GET ALL SERIOUS ON YOU!!! I HAD TO DO THIS TWICE IN ONE DAY!!! SERIOUSNESS IS PAINFUL!!! BE MORE WACKY!!! -- K. Also in real life, try shouting "BE MORE WACKY!" at random people. SOMETIMES IT WORKS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Hey Mr. Kibo! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 13:49:26 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > [David's explanation why his previous posting was Not About Fonts elided] > > And now you know a little bit about how my mind works. The visions and > stigmata will follow shortly. > > -dp. > Are stigmata the ones that > come UP out of the ground, > and schemata the ones that > come DOWN from the ceiling? I'm just worried that we have stigmata and automata, which means that soon we'll be able to take hamburgers out of things that look like microwaves which are open at the back at the local Stigmat, but only if we've had our hands stamped with a hole punch. Also, nobody has ever used the singular of "stigmata". Heck, even "datum" gets used once in a while. But when was the last time you heard of a "stigmatum"? I'll tell you when: BACK WHEN JESUS HAD ONLY ONE ARM, THAT WAS WHEN!!! -- K. If only he were blue and had eight arms, they'd have to crucify him on a giant asterisk. Then when Kilgore Trout measured him, he'd say, "Hey, this looks just like Kurt Vonnegut's!" I wish Kurt Vonnegut would make fun of MY writing. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Headline of the day. Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 22:19:08 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp "Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > So I'll just use this here nice thread with this nice subject line to > tell you about this wacky wacky headline I found the other day: > > "t gafflar - slapp fngelse 27 gnger" > > Of course, that's swedish. Let's try to translate that. > > "Ate forks - got out of prison 27 times" Here in the United States forks only have 4 tines, not 27. -- K. In Canada they have poo tines! HYAR HYAR HYAR HYAR ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.econ,talk.politics.theory,misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Co-op solution for Microsoft and all software companies Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 22:55:37 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.econ, talk.politics.theory, and misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) replied to himself: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > The agenda of a co-op is not to become a behemoth over valued entity. > > The agenda of a co-op is to provide a service or product at the best > > and lowest costs and to gain more patrons. > > > I am going to offer a solution for the Microsoft monopoly and for the > overpriced software made these days. How about having them spend all their time posting crackpot science theories to the Internet? That way we'll be able to verify that they'll never get anything actually done. Bill Gates would be too busy proving that the Universe is a giant, talking plutonium atom inside his head that makes him like shredded coconut. Of course, that would make him look considerably more dweeby. > Establish 'Computer Software Co-ops'. > > How they work: They buy all the software and have it all at one > place. Patrons can join the co-op and by joining they can share all of > the software. No need to buy any software. > > Thus, instead of Microsoft selling millions of copies of Word > software, only 10 copies of Word are sold in the entire USA. Those ten > copies are bought by 10 Co-ops who then share Word, or allow its > customers put the Word into their computer. I... see. So, prices would go down if we added a middleman? By the way, Arch, you can buy site licenses from resellers already. Well, other people can. You just buy different colors of raspberries and talk about them all day. > A Software Co-op is not much different from a library. Each book in > the library is copyrighted, I see you've never stumbled into the Dover books section. Oh, that's right, in addition to reprints of public-domain books, Dover also publishes math and science books. That would explain why you haven't encountered them. > and each piece of software in the Co-op is > copyrighted. But the library patrons and the Co-op patrons can > check-out or pirate onto their computer the software. PAGING DON SAKLAD, PAGING DON SAKLAD... > The libraries have to pay for their books, and so too the Co-op pays for > Microsoft Word. No need for everyone in the US to own all the copyrighted > books for which libraries serve that function. And similarly, no need for > every person in the US to have to pay Microsoft for Word. Instead, only > 10 Co-ops that cover the entire US need to buy ten Word software. So, how many millions of dollars per copy would Microsoft ask of the ten people who were stupid enough to buy it? And, Arch, I'll sell you a copy of ClarisWorks For Kids for A DOLLAR LESS! > You may complain that this would put the software companies out of > business. Well, we really do not need that many software companies in > the first place, do we? For as most books are junk, most software is > junk So does your scientific research count as a book or as software? > No need for a judge to break up Microsoft in its trial case. Instead, > start the Software Co-ops business across the US. I have a better idea. Instead of Archie writing hundreds of rants a month, he can only make ten in a lifetime, and we all have to share those ten. -- K. I call dibs on one of the seven about poop. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.econ,talk.politics.theory,misc.legal,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Co-op solution for Microsoft and all software companies Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 10:47:56 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.econ, talk.politics.theory, and misc.legal, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Most software is games, and the worthiness of games is about zero I was going to say that was an odd comment for someone who keeps bragging about the fact that he's played enough chess to become unbeatable because he "solved the game of chess", but I think people are getting bored with my comments on your rants, so I won't say it. I am so glad that I didn't mention it. However, I admit that it's clear that you don't like golf: -> Pat likes to putt golf around. Both the Winter and Summer Olympics -> committee 1990 rejected Patricks request to have putt-putt golf installed. -> Because Patrick wears the olympic rings in his ears, nose, and out the -> side of his ass. I don't blame the committee, do you? -> -> -- Ludwig Plutonium, "Re: LP on chess", February 23, 1994 Anyway, Archie, as I said above, I think after commenting on a few zillion of your many zillion articles, people think they're getting a little repetitious. And the same for my comments on your zillions. However, as these are _your_ articles I'm commenting on, I think you should have the final say as to whether or not I comment on 'em -- besides, you're obviously the smartest person on the whole Internet, because you "solved the game of chess" and some of us are still struggling with Rubik's Cube. So, Arch, please let me know whether or not I'm allowed to comment on your writings from now on. Are you still my pal? -- K. -> (13) This number is thought of as unlucky. It is now the oldest -> outstanding mathematics problem. FIND THE OPTIMAL STRATEGY FOR THE -> GAME OF CHESS. We will need the OS when we do war with outer space -> lifeforms. -> -- Ludwig Plutonium, early November, 1993 -> For the hours in the very distant future when be do battle with -> outer space life forms, I dedicate the following songs. Perhaps -> I will have been already brought back to life and perhaps I will -> lead us Homo sapiens on to victory. -> -- Ludwig Plutonium, November 8, 1993 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: EMERGENCY 2999 [001/113] Date: Mon, 29 Mar 1999 22:10:30 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Correction. It would be Michael Crichton starring in "RESCUE 601", > > where he would help owners of first-generation Power Macs whose processors > > aren't powerful enough to run Edward Everett Horton's game of "Life" > > (endorsed by Art Linkletter), and Crichton's neck would be made out of > > a bunch of Styrofoam coffee cups on a stick, and then these dwarves would > > "on-think" the dent out of his brain while mentally undressing that woman > > from Dallas with their telekinetic powers. And then Buck Rogers would > > talk into an AT&T Merlin phone which would go "RAZZ!!!" while Billy Mumy's > > in the garden playing Magic Square. > > > > MATT!!!! GET IN HERE AND FIX THIS!!!!!! > > If that paragraph were properly coded in the first place, you wouldn't > have any need for Mr. Fix-It, now, would you? > > REFORM YOUR USENET DEVELOPMENT METHODOLOGY IMMEDIATELY! Fine, be that way. I'm gonna hire a scab explainer. Mr. David Pacheco, explain what I said above in such a way that everyone can understand it and so that Matt's kneecaps shatter spontaneously from the overpowering lucidity. Also please be sure to draw an ASCII picture of "601" that looks like +-------------------------+ +----------------------------------------------+ | | | | / |------------__------~~---| | | | | | | \ | +--______-----------------+ +---------------------------------------------+ | just like in that movie directed by that guy who directed both "Star Trek: The Movie" and edited "Citizen Kane", you know, that movie where the evil Kane (Ricardo Montalban) ends up floating off into space after eating too many fluorescent pink Kandy Kanes. Something about the Atari 2600 Pac-Man "BLEE BLEE BLEE BLURT" music should go here but I'll let you do that part. -- K. 601! HALF0DOZEN0THEOTHER! POP PROTECT! BEFORE YOU ACCEPTED YOU REJECTED! MIRAMANEE!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: It's just a Kibology world! <-- Posted just for Leah. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 06:05:52 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Just for Leah, the official theme song of alt.religion.kibology. The parts in parentheses are spoken by children, the rest are sung by The Fake Partridge Family Who Think They're The Monkees. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (It's just a Kibology world - come on and see it with me!) Brothers and sisters... Laughing and growing (giggle) Hammers and blisters... Things you'll be knowing! (I have a feeling in my mind that I have been here before.) Flying machines through space and time... Words and their meanings, games for the mi-ii-ind... Touching and feeling... Inside and outside... Hands on the ceiling... Feet are on my side! (All the world's a Kibology if you want it to be!) Building a sound you see with your ears... No need to frown, your friends are all he-ee-ere-yeah! (Oh, this is Kibology! giggle) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Also, while listening to that song, you have to stare at pictures of scary clown heads from the nineteenth century, and things with go-go boots and way too many eyes. -- K. Everyone but Leah will think this song doesn't make sense. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: It's just a Kibology world! <-- Posted just for Leah. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 09:51:13 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Just for Leah, the official theme song of alt.religion.kibology. > > > > [...] > > > > Touching and feeling... > > > > Inside and outside... > > > > Hands on the ceiling... > > > > Feet are on my side! > > > Kibo, this is the most beautiful thing anyone's ever written for me. > I am in woogily wuv!! Mrs. Verre, you're trying to seduce me. And besides the fact that I cannot be trolled and/or seduced, and although I am in the process of a messy, messy divorce from television's static and geometrical Barbara Bain, I have eyes only for the mysterious Juliet L-----, whose name has not yet been revealed by either my publicist or Vanna White. Also, I didn't really write that song, I stole it from my TV. But that's okay because my TV can't sue because it's bolted down, because I stole it from Holiday Inn! -- K. I don't get the "feet are on my side" lyric, but it does go with the scene of the kid whose foot turns into a puppy when he tries to kick mommy's knee. Maybe "feet are on my side" is from somewhere in the back of the Kama Sutra? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: All the people (was gold) in the world? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 08:10:30 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jeremy Burgeson (acs@inetnebr.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And who said anything about DUMPING people there? We should > > just TRICK everyone into walking into the cube of death. > > This whole discussion reminds me of an argument I had > in college. It was about how many typically-sized > house cats you could fit in a regular mailbox. I like how the other guy wanted to keep you from cheating by doing a slightly easier calculation with DOUBLE-SIZE CATS! > Then it digressed to the completely pointless discussion > of just how to get them in there. "And how do you get them out? Doritos." I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I AM HAVING PUNCHLINES FROM THE SEVENTIES BEAMED INTO MY HEAD FROM OUTSIDE! UNLIKE ALL THOSE SANE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEM BEAMED FROM INSIDE! -- K. Why a cube? A death dodecahedron would be MORE PERFECT according to the Ancient Greeks and Carl Sagan and other famous dead people who didn't get dumped into dodecahedra!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Bob Hope Still Not Dead Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 08:29:59 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Found by Louis Nick: > Rumors of Bob Hope's demise exaggerated again > > LOS ANGELES, MARCH 12 (Reuters) Veteran comedian Bob Hope is alive and > well and probably was eating ice cream when rumors erupted he was near > death and receiving last rites from two priests, his spokesman said Friday. Last time he died was last year, when point he was eulogised in Congress. (Shortly after they made him an "honorary veteran".) Last time, his spokesman claimed he was playing golf when the news came. This time, his spokesman claimed he was "probably" eating ice cream. (I.e. he was trying to eat ice cream and kept poking himself in the eye with a spoon.) I can see it now: When he actually dies strapped to a hospital bed, Mr. Spokesman will say, "Yes, Mr. Hope really is dead, and he died while sky-diving from the Space Shuttle and having sex with the Spice Girls, while the William Tell Overture played at double speed." > Hope's manager and agent, Ward Grant, denied a report in the London > Evening Standard that said Hope, 95, was ``near death'' and had checked > himself out of a hospital in Palm Springs, Calif., against the advice of > doctors. The headline in the Enquirer said "BOB HOPE GOES HOME TO DIE" on the cover. Oh, that stupid Bob Hope! He went home but forgot to die! > ``I think the rumors started this time because Dolores Hope, Bob's wife, > had invited two priests over for lunch on Thursday, and that was taken to > mean Bob was receiving last rites. He actually was down the hill at Baskin > and Robbins eating ice cream when the priests arrived,'' Grant said. Note that he needed TWO priests to say the last rites twice because he keeps faux-dying. > Hope had been in a Palm Springs hospital for blood pressure tests, Grant > said, but he denied the Standard's report that the British-born Hope was > suffering from pneumonia. Yep, yep, there's no way a guy who's worth about a hundred million dollars could get a blood test anywhere other than a hospital, nosiree Bob. > ``He is going to be 96 (in May), so he is no longer young, Wow, I've never seen the dancing bears and fireworks and confetti and the orchestra playing 'le Marsellaise' interrupt a wire-service article before. Or was this article just closed-captioned for the stupid? > but he is up and about. When he came back from the hospital he went into > the kitchen and asked, 'What's to eat?''' Grant said. I think the actual quote was "What is 'eat'? What is 'kiss'?" and then he started re-enacting that "Star Trek" episode where they steal Spock's brain. Poor guy. I hope I can die in the media as many times as he has. -- K. I suppose to do that I could just start starring in remakes of Chevy Chase comedies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Benigni. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 09:29:53 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Thrones of Corn, Waves of Pain" (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > Maybe, but Benigni has a diminuative jawline, and from what I know of it, > a man's POLASM potential What does a Polish computer language have to do with anything? Are you a shill for HP? > is basically proportional to the strength of his jaw. Doubt me? > Well then by all means have a gander at this helpful, informative chart! > > ^| > ^| * Tom > | Sellack Kato * > P| * Kaelin > | * Marcus > O| Kibo * Shenkenberg > | Tom Steven > L| Cruise Pinker > | * Steven * > A| Frank Collins Kirk * * > | Sinatra * Douglas Bob > S| Bill * Larson > | Howard * Gates > M| * Stern > | Marilyn Ray > | Manson Dee * Dennis > v| Snyder Steckler * Rocky > v| * Dennis > |____________________________________________________________________________ > <<< J A W L I N E >>> If I were to shave my beard you'd see that I'd belong an inch to the right with Kirk Douglas, as I have a weird right-angle cleft in my chin. Stephen Collins has this: \ | / \__|__/ Kirk Douglas has this: \ / \__O__/ I have this: \______/ \____/ In other words, the bottom half of my chin makes a right-angle turn towards the camera, and it appears to follow you as you move around the room. It's like I'm a member of Los Hurricanos or something. Now you know why I wear a beard even though it won't grow right. -- K. Also, there is no flesh between my skin and my skull, so my skull undoubtedly has that crease too. P.S. You forgot Larry Linville and Jon Byner at the "chinless and yet insipid white sub-dwarf" end of the Main Sequence (aka "The H-O Scale".) By the way, Jon Byner recently was mentioned on TV for the first time in ten years -- apparently he's so desperate for attention that he's going to get a facelift on TV. Oh, sure, like his career was dead because his unfunny skin wasn't tight enough. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Bob Hope sez... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 09:44:25 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor From www.bobhope.com: > New Site Coming Soon! Oh boy! These days, polite webmasters are telling us BEFORE they put "under construction" icons all over Web pages! Hmm, I think I do that too. Except for the "under construction" part. > We're excited to announce we are in the process of a complete website > makeover. The new website will be a tribute to Bob Hope's life, and is > titled "Thanks for the Memories". > [photo with "95 years of HOPE" stamped into the corner] > This update will chronicle the 95 years of Bob Hope's life, Man, it would be a tragedy if he lived to be 96, what with that picture saying "95" and all. I get the feeling that someone is getting their Web site all set up for the moment when he dies. I mean someone other than me. (I learned my lesson -- I made the "BOB HOPE 1903-1997" graphic easy to fix.) > and provide a documented history of the "King of Comedy" for generations > to come! It's always nice to see a webmaster planning ahead to leave the pages up for fifty years. THEN JUST SIT BACK AND LET THE BUX ROLL IN! > The new site will be the most advanced celebrity website available online, (ASTERISK: More advanced celebrity websites are available offline.) > and will offer many multimedia features. > > Some of the special features of the new website include: > > * Real Time Audio and Video of Hope Radio, Video and Movies Wow! REAL-TIME LIVE video feeds of Bob Hope! Which end of the coffin will they put the camera in? > * A Special Tribute Area I'm tired of those ORDINARY tributes to Bob Hope. > * Radio Audio Database Search and Retrieve System > * Video Database Search and Retrieve System > * Timeline > * Joke of the Day > * Shopping on-line > * USO and Military Special Section > * NBC History > * Special US President's Area You must be President of the U.S.A. to enter [CLICK HERE]. > * Endorsement Section Click here to have the late Bob Hope endorse your product, service, event, or Web site! > * Holiday Specials > * Current Events What I said about the camera. > * Golfing Section > * Chat Lounge and Message board > * Dolores Hope Section > * Co-Star Area > * Sign in Guestbook and Member Database System > * Veterans area > * Bob Hope Fan Club > * Free Autograph Picture area Is he going to keep writing books too, like L. Ron Hubbard? > * Ongoing schedule of upcoming Bob Hope airings Coming soon: The Bob Hope Channel. All Bob Hope, all day! Forever! Except for the infomercials, unless they also star BOB HOPE!!! And they do. > * Bob Hope General Store > * Online charity auction > * Media Relations area The media aren't allowed to look at other parts of the Web site. > * Special Product Offerings > * Sponsors pages > > As you can see we are quite busy with the new and exciting site. We expect > the update to be live by the end of the year. We will continue to provide > updates as we get closer to the live date. > For those that are interested, there are advertising opportunities > available for the new website. For information you may email > ads@bobhope.com I think it would be ironic if the Associated Press and National Enquirer were their sponsors. > Email Bob : bobhope@bobhope.com GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! -- K. I will read my E-mail again because it might be from him. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: EMERGENCY 2999 [001/113] Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 11:54:34 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Caton (caton@netwin.co.nz) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > Something about the Atari 2600 Pac-Man "BLEE BLEE BLEE BLURT" music > > should go here but I'll let you do that part. > > Attention: The following transmission was brought to you by > Nostalg-O-matic. > > BLEE BLEE BLEE BURT. BAHNG ... BAHNGBAHNGBAHNG BAHNG BAHNG BAHNG > BAHNGBAHNG BAHNG BAHNG BAHNG BAHNGBAHNG > BIP BAHNG BAHNG BIP WUUURP BAHNGBAHNG BIP WUUURP > BIP WUUURP BAHNGBAHNG BAHNG BAHNG BAHNGBAHNG > BEBURDLE BURDLE BURDLE > (The BURDLEs must be executable with increasing pitch) Hmm, yours must be defective. Mine always went BLEE BLEE BLEE BLURT. BONK... BONKBONKBONK BONK BONK BONK BONKBONK BONK BONK BONK BONKBONK BOOP TWEE! TWEE! TWEE! BONK BONK BOOP WOOOOOP BONKBONK BOOP WOOOOOP BOOP WOOOOOOP BONKBONK BONK !EEWT !EEWT !EEWT BONK BONKBONK PEE-YOU-YOU-YOU!!!! but maybe that was just because I always liked to play it with the "BLACK & WHITE/COLOR" switch halfway between the two because my TV set wasn't all that colorful. Also I bought my Atari 2600 back when they actually cost $2600. In its day it was a real computer, you know. Just like a WebTV is today! 1977 Atari 2600 1997 WebTV from this we can extrapolate the rest of the history of pathetic home computing: 1957 those rectangles of clear plastic that are blue at the top and green at the bottom that make any TV set display color 1977 Atari 2600 1997 WebTV 2017 the same thing, only they make old analog NTSC TVs into three-dimensional digital HDTV 2037 abandonment of physical instrumentality; fourth primary color discovered; Pez dispenser becomes President; water banned when it is found to cause cancer; someone admits liking Tracy Ullman > Sigh... The diffcultly peaked fairly quickly on that thing, and it was > fairly easy to clock it even then, so I was possible, in principle, to > just keep playing it for hours and hours and hours and hours. > > I have to lie down now. Relax! Play a game of Yar's Revenge. That always relaxes me to tears. -- K. I always figured they said, "Hmm, we can't figure out how to keep this thing from filling half the screen with static if we overburden the processor by making a hyphen move around slowly, so we better call the static an Ion Zone and mention it in the commercial." David Pacheco will now sing the "Yar's Revenge" jingle, including the long-lost second verse which explains why that game had a jingle. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Sell : Metal Pen Balls Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1999 02:46:39 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In various newsgroups, "T.I.C International Inc." (tic_office@email.com) wrote: > > We are looking for Buyers ,distributors world - Wide for: > > - metal pen balls with 19 different modeland color. In ModeLand, the "mouse balls" faxlore has been miniaturized to save time! -- K. I'd pay extra for a ballpoint pen with black ink and a black shell but a microscopic green ball. IT WOULD BE LIKE LIVING IN TEN DIMENSIONS ONLY NOT ALL RIPPLY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Another Kibology/Star Trek/snack foods connection Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 13:29:12 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > My mother-in-law, who lives down Atlanta way, often sends us cans of boiled > peanuts for Christmas, birthdays and the like. Boiled peanuts, for those of > you who've never indulged, are much like regular peanuts, only much softer, > easier to open and considerably saltier. You know, Sean, Boston *does* have a Chinatown, where some, if not all, of the grocery stores have those lame beige un-fried peanuts... dried olive pits, too. Mmm-mmm. > But that's not the point. The company that makes this particular brand of > canned boiled peanuts? > > "Roddenberry's" That's nothing. Did you know that Mr. Peanut personally wrote every episode of NBC's "seaQuest DSV"? > Which means that when I say how much we all really enjoy Roddenberry's > peanuts, I am one omitted or excised "t" away from being vulgar, > offensive and insulting to Majel Barrett. > > So, for Heaven's sake, KEEP THE "T" IN RODDENBERRY'S PEANUTS!11! Sean, the (T) hasn't gone to Roddenberry's Peanuts since Dukakis left Massachusetts when he won the Presidential election. Now you have to ride a Bonanza Bus to Roddenberry's Peanuts. Or, just wait until the world of the future and take the Sub-Shuttle after you get thawed out and chased around by Diana Muldaur and/or the many other gals who got on "Star Trek" by sleeping with Gene, including everyone in "The Gamesters Of Triskelion", especially the tranny. -- K. "BRING ME THE DINK EXTRACT!!!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.game-shows From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: The Game Show Network is making me think. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 15:25:43 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology I just saw an old episode (is there another kind?) of "Tic-Tac-Dough", the show where Wink Martindale and his hairpiece stood in front of nine TV screens which flashed Apple ][ lo-rez graphics. What I'd like to know is, Because the nine screens were presumably driven by nine Apple ][s, with a tenth computer of some sort (another Apple ][ or perhaps something like a small PDP), exactly what were the details of their hardware setup, how did the computers communicate with each other, what language was the control program written in, and how did the various graphics for each game get into the nine Apple ][s? Presumably it would be a simple matter to shove a few bytes at each Apple ][ over the serial port, and the Apple ][s would "page-flip" to bring up the appropriate graphic which was already stored in memory. But how did those graphics get in there in the first place? Was there a delay (edited out) before each game while the controlling computer downloaded the title screens for all the categories into each Apple? And, most importantly, why were they still using Apple ][ LO-REZ graphics in 1985? (Note that that's about when Alex Trebek's version of "Jeorpardy!" premiered with that Chyron character generator driving thirty-six screens...) It's also kind of hard to imagine that 40x48 graphics ever looked cool... (Steve Jobs designed one of the arcade versions of "Breakout" for Atari, and the story is that those super-wide giant pixels were put in the Apple ][ to be Breakout blocks. Also you can see how simple a hack it was to turn a screen buffer of ASCII into pairs of sixteen-color pixels half the size of letters.) Anyway, after "Tic-Tac-Dough", "Joker's Wild" came on -- one of the episodes with Bill Cullen, not Jack Barry, the guy who was imitated so beautifully in Robert Redford's "Quiz Show". One of the big prizes today is "A HOME SECURITY ROBOT!" made by... Tomy. It's a toy about nine inches high. Wow, there apparently was an era I missed in the early eighties when burglars were scared of Tomy products. I bet that if we can rediscover that period, we'll find that Coleco was making automatic teller machines and Atari had the air-traffic control market sewn up. (Not to mention Marx's contract with Norad.) It's weird that history went this way: * Before 1975: Nobody cared about robots (except at World's Fairs, where everyone went insane.) * 1975-1985: Robots were everywhere! Except they didn't do anything. * 1985 onward: Nobody cared about robots again. We went right from "robots are just around the corner" to "we refuse to acknowledge that we ever thought robots were cool," despite the "Star Wars" trilogy spanning the whole "almost-robot" era. Besides, it's strange seeing a toy "home security robot" that we're supposed to take seriously after we see it advertised on a game show whose gameboard is generated by a transparent mechanical slot machine mounted on an overhead projector and controlled by a bowling ball on a giant stick. On a program which followed one featuring a network of Apple ][s. Still, some questions remain: * Which show had dumber questions, "Tic-Tac-Dough" or "Joker's Wild"? * Which show had a more irritating audio environment, the incredibly lame Moog synthesizer music of "Dough" or Bill Cullen shouting "JOKER! JOKER! JOKER!" on "Joker's Wild"? * The evening version of "The Joker's Wild" was titled "JOKER! JOKER! JOKER!", so would a second edition of "Tic-Tac-Dough" be called "X! X! X!"? * What was Wink Martindale's hair made of, and WHY? * Was the combination of a slot machine and a picture of a devil on "The Joker's Wild" enough to make everyone who ever watched the show go to Hell? * Did the International Tic-Tac-Toe Association ever complain that regulation Tic-Tac-Toe doesn't have a flashing dragon in one of the squares? * If they merged "Tic-Tac-Dough" with "The Hollywood Squares", would they use a three-by-six or a six-by-three board? * In the Other Universe, is the object of "The Price Is Right" TO GO OVER? -- K. Still waiting for a game show for dogs, so that we can find out how to insult a dog's intelligence. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: David Blaine to be buried alive Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 15:46:13 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Aw, damn, the subject line got my hopes up but he's JUST A MAGICIAN. > NEW YORK, March 30 (UPI) -- Producer James L. Nederlander and > developer Donald Trump say they will bury magician David Blaine alive > for one week so he can attempt a feat that mythical magician Harry > Houdini had contemplated but never undertook. > On Monday, April 5, Blaine says he will enter a specially designed > open coffin and will be lowered 6 feet into the ground in front of Trump > Place at Riverside South, at West 68th Street facing the Hudson River. COME GAMBLE WHILE LOOKING AT AN OPEN GRAVE AND THE HUDSON RIVER! > The Brooklyn born Blaine says he would like to finish what Houdini > started. What, he's gonna get Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to admit he's a bozo? > Nederlander and Trump explained that Blaine will remain undergound > for one week, until 10 a.m. on Monday, April 12, without food and just > enough water to keep him alive. > Nederlander says he will be given ``only about three to four > tablespoons of water a day.'' I assume there's a reason this newspaper report doesn't mention the most important detail, i.e., whether he has only the *air* that's in the coffin or whether he will be given enough air to actually keep him alive more than an hour. > ``Houdini was very interested in the idea of burying himself alive,'' > Blaine says. ``Unfortunately, his life ended before he got a chance to > do it. I want to pick up where he left off and, hopefully, discover the > mystical link between life and death.'' Magicians know that this isn't because he died, it's 'cause Houdini had spent briefer periods buried alive and concluded it was a stupid trick which would probably kill him. (Which is why you've seen a couple videos on TV of bozos having wet cement poured over their clear plastic coffins which never hold up under the weight of ten tons of cement. Then this big rectangular air bubble comes up suddenly as the level of cement plummets, and the backhoes start looking for the corpse...) Now, if Donald Trump were in the glass box with David Blaine, people might pay to see that. But there are some magic tricks where there's nothing to see *unless* the guy dies. I mean, if all goes according to plan, people will get to see David Blaine lying in a box for a week. You know the bozos promoting this will start secret hoping he'll die after they get bored three days into it. (And enough magicians have died doing short-term burials that the promoters of this event must know it's dangerous.) > Nederlander, a member of the third generation of the celebrated > family known for theatrical productions, is chairman of the board of the > Nederlander Producing Company of America. > He said he could not pass up the opportunity to be part of the event. > Trump said: ``This is very scary, but David is the best, and I wish > him well. All of our tennants at Trump Place will be watching David from > high above.'' You'll feel like God while you look down at a guy lying in a see-through coffin with your X-ray vision! While gambling! > Trump explained on top of Blaine's coffin will be a plexiglas tank > filled with 4,000 pounds of water so that the curious can look down and > view Blaine, who will be in a self-induced, trance-like state for most > of the week. See! A guy in a glass box going to the bathroom and otherwise just lying there! You really gotta wonder whether people will pay extra for hotel rooms with a good view of the glass box with an inch of urine in the bottom. Also, "4,000 pounds" isn't a lot of water. I mean, I seem to recall that a cubic foot is 43 pounds, so we're talking less than a hundred cubic feet, or about four bathtubs worth. > He will have no voice communication from the grave, Just a WebTV. > but medical personel will be on hand 24 hours a day to monitor his heart > and brain activity and present daily medical briefings. That must be a heck of a dilemma: Looking for abnormal brain activity in a guy who wants to be installed in a glass coffin in a casino in New Jersey. > A crane will be on hand around the clock, ready to lift the plexiglas > tank should anything go wrong. I sense a new variant of an old urban legend forming: "And after the helicopters put out the forest fire, they found a charred magician..." > Blaine, who can trace his roots back to the gypsies, says he realized > at the age of 4 that he was destined to become a magician. > Blaine, Nederlander and Trump all helped to dig the grave. When I die, I want Don Trump to dig my grave. But not before. -- K. And let's not forget the tenants of Trump Palace will be making faces at the guy in the box all week. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,sci.edu,dartmouth.talk.kiewit,soc.culture.usa,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dartmouth's continued persecution of AP Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 16:29:19 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal, sci.edu, dartmouth.talk.kiewit, and soc.culture.usa, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > The most recent persecution of AP is that AP has the > worst and most physically demanding job at Dartmouth But, Arch, this is a sign of their respect for your studly muscular heftiness. After all, you did those pro-wrestling exercises with the maple-syrup buckets. Besides, there have to be one or two jobs more strenuous than washing dishes. Like, weren't you requesting them to have someone build a chapel out of solid gold last year? I doubt you're doing all that much heavy lifting. Unless your dishes are solid gold. And not the disposable kind. (I always eat off those disposable solid gold dishes I get in the special billionaire's section hidden in the back of Wal-Mart.) > [...] > > If I had been under a fair boss, I would now be making about $8/hour. I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it. I AM NOT GOING TO SAY IT!!!!! I'll just draw a box around that sentence and let everyone imagine what I would have said if I were not now the Kindler, Gentler Kibo. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | If I had been under a fair boss, I would now be making about $8/hour. | | | | -- Archimedes Plutonium | | | +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ > [...] > > Not only am I the most persecuted Dartmouth employee > by having a perfect work of ten years without one day missed or > tardy, I am the lowest paid employee on the entire Dartmouth > history after having worked 10 years. Hmm, _someone_ has to be the lowest-paid, unless you're a Commie, which I know you aren't 'cause you keep telling us you own hundreds of thousands of dollars of stock. Have you considered just buying Dartmouth? Then you could pay yourself the full eight bucks an hour. > [...] > > The most recent persecution of AP by the Hanover Inn is to > have the potsink piled a mountain high on Tuesdays. Maybe you should request that they replace you with an electric dishwasher. > To have no worker over at that station at the busiest hours of 3pm > to 4:30pm. So that when I arrive on the job at 4:30pm it > requires a superman to unbury oneself. That was the worst Roger Corman movie of a novel written by Brian Aldiss as A. N. Roquelare, "Superman Unburied". Especially the part with the talking car. > [...] > > Other workers answer this mountain of pots > left-over by a previous shift by not really cleaning > the pots satisfactorily. Just wetting them and > calling them clean. EWW!!!! > [...] > > Persecution of AP by Computer services of Dartmouth > > Kiewit is the computer services of Dartmouth. > > Back in 1995 or thereabouts, a Boston TV film crew > wanted to have me in a segment of their TV program > and some of the sequences were to take place in > Kiewit. However, the manager of Kiewit, Mr. Larry > Levine decided that Archimedes Plutonium was not > suitable for any TV and especially in Kiewit. Hmm, I didn't know about that incident. I owe Mike Barnicle an apology for when I claimed that he wasn't taking my story ideas seriously. -- K. But I still refuse to pay up on the bet, 'cause he didn't actually broadcast any pictures of you singing an Atomic Hymn. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-winston From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Planting Crystals. Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 18:18:45 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology "John F. Winston" (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: Planting Crystals. Mar. 30, 1999. > > In the past I have posted something about the planting of crystals. > I have just purchased about 8 of them and plan to plant them. I had some, but they died. > I hope that other people will do this also and let me know when and > where you plant them. I think Superman tried it once. Of course, he THREW that big green crystal at the iceberg to plant it, so I think we should charge him with Crystal Abuse. > Here is some information about it. > > ..................................................................... > ..................................................................... > > http://members.tripod.com/~ACCNL/chrystal-activating.html > Chrystal Activation So let's see: "Chrystal" is a reference to "crystal", "Christ" *and* to "womyn". So, chrystal worship would involve believing that Jesus is a female rock. I think I only buy 2/3 of that. -- K. Also, the surviving 3/4 of the Beatles are bigger than 3/4 of Chryst.