Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.technology,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: MEDICINE FOR SKIN COLOR; and how the future will eliminate rascism Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 08:30:42 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) writes: > > > > I have 1 full year from today Easter Sunday 4APR99, to file patent > > for MEDICINE FOR SKIN COLOR on or before 4APR2000 > > And, let me add that 4APR99 was a conjunction of Easter sunday and > also the day for daylight savings time to spring-forward the clock 1 > hour. I wanted to note that conjunction for in superdeterminism there > is no coincidences but all was pre-set. So the Medicine for Skin Color > and Easter and daylight savings time and human cloning conjoined in a > patent on 4APR99. I... see. So, you would not be able to announce your patents in advance of doing the corresponding inventing if the U.S. Government hadn't declared Sunday to be "Spring Ahead" day? > But, this Medicine for Skin Color using human cloning is the very > best solution for rascism of skin color. To make a full mockery of skin > color is the best means of getting rid of rascism. Personally if I had > had a choice in the matter at my birth, knowing what I know now, I > would hope my mother had chosen the color purple, the royal purple, for > I would grow up to be the King of Science. Unfortunately, she let you stay pink all over, which is why you never grew up to be the King of Science. Just think what Albert Einstein would have accomplished if he had been tinted a bright green at birth. He could have come up with his brilliant ideas while also earning money posing for illustrations on cans of peas. "HO HO HO! E EQUALS HO CUBED!" > I am sure that Archimedes of Ancient Greek Syracuse wore purple robes often. > Yes, that is the color that I would chose for skin color, a deep purple > such as in irises or my favorite flowers of lobelia. Suggestions for other wacky skin colors for Archimedes Plutonium ---------------------------------------------------------------- Fluorescent chartreuse. Pantone Reflex Blue. Plaid. Invisible. Heck, I'll donate a dollar to fund your research if you promise you'll use it to find a way to turn yourself invisible. (It won't count if you just turn your skin invisible, it has to soak in all the way to your skeleton.) > And, with all mockeries. Once the world has multicolored people > running all around and employeed everywhere, Next you'll complain that not only are they all plaider than you, but they all earn more money than you do. > with all mockeries, like the stock market, they go overboard, I'm just glad Archie never goes overboard. That would be like adding a second chimp to the cast of "B.J. and the Bear". SOMETIMES IT'S BAD TO ADD A CHIMP. > and it will not be long before some wild parent mother choses for her > child a striped colors of alternating orange and green for instance, ...and then Hannu Poropudas changed Hanna-Maria's name to Neutrino. > and surely by that time, the human race will have made tremendous strides > in the removal of rascism. I hereby declare that I have A MILLION YEARS to file for my patent on GIANT LEGS, the best solution to make tremendous strides to WIPE OUT ALL THINGS WE CAN STEP ON WITH OUR BIG FEET. > The key to this Medicine for Skin Color is human cloning, for it > cannot be done without that as a common practice. Yes, dye never works unless you attach it to a cloning machine. This is why all lollipops are white and pistachios are brown. > Perhaps the diminishment or near removal of skin color rascism will be one > of the first benefits of human cloning on making a large social impact. Have you considered just poking everyone's eyes out? That would seem to be much easier. And you wouldn't even need to get your hands all icky doing cloning research. (Poking eyes out is much less icky.) > And, I would like to say, that I am still aggravated immensely by > the fact that the change of skin color would be easy compared to the > desire to clone a hairless person. Why is it, that skin color is > governed by a few genes, but this hair is governed by multigenes such > that hair is such a horrible problem, like a horns of dilemma. Have you tried Brylcreem to make your hair horns go away? "'Monster of Space' is male, but He uses ordinarily a manifestation of a beautifull woman, who has small flexible horns under His hair, and larger 'space horns' if necessary in space." -- Hannu Poropudas, April 1994 > It is almost laughable, that we can solve so many problems and that many > more in the future will be solved, except the problem of hairlessness. You know, Arch, if you combined your theories, maybe within the year before you file your patent you might discover how to DYE A WIG. -- K. Isn't the Nobel Prize named after some guy who invented some sort of dye? "I forgot to say that you all are in the hands of the monster of space if you don't accept my suggestion." -- Hannu, February 1994 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: MEDICINE FOR SKIN COLOR; and how the future will eliminate rascism Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 04:19:06 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology, Gary Williams (gwms@spectra.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re Archimedes Plutonium's invention of dye to turn himself purple] > > > > Isn't the Nobel Prize named after some guy who invented some sort of dye? > > I thought it was dynamite. Gary... It was very kind of you to bring your own fluorescent, dancing bears playing tubas amid the exploding confetti. Very few people on alt.religion.kibology are as considerate enough to bring dancing bears for everyone to enjoy. Many thanks. -- K. Also, you're wrong, Dynamite was invented by Scholastic Publishing, a division of Xerox. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Hitler, Gandhi eyed as "person of the century" Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 6 Apr 1999 08:42:01 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > WASHINGTON, April 4 (AFP) - Adolf Hitler and Mohandas Gandhi are > among those being considered as the most influential person of the > 20th century, Time magazine says. > > [...] > > Apple Computer co-founder Steve Jobs holds a different view of > contemporary events, which he says are influenced by forces of > good. > Jobs picked Gandhi, a man revered by many for freeing India from > British rule through nonviolent means, "because he showed us a way > out of the destructive side of our human nature." Actually, the real reason is Jobs sided with Gandhi is he was the only one of the two to let Jobs use his photo in the "Think Different." ad campaign. -- K. Seriously, it's only a matter of time before we see a commercial where Hitler is dancing with a vacuum cleaner while drinking Dr Pepper and using an iMac. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Hitler, Gandhi eyed as "person of the century" Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 21:04:45 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Actually, the real reason is Jobs sided with Gandhi is he was the only one > > of the two to let Jobs use his photo in the "Think Different." ad campaign. > > So, don't keep us in suspense any longer. Was that you who bought > the $197 million winning Powerball ticket in Boston? Are you going > to use the money to buy Usenet, tear it down, and build a HappyNet and a > parking lot in its place? Enquiring minds...you get the picture. I'll answer that question once I figure out how you're logically connecting Hitler to me suddenly becoming super-rich. Also, I should point out that the SuperMegaHyperBall jackpot of $197,000,000 was won at the closest supermarket to where I live. The dreaded Fenway Star. Although all Star markets carry the same set of food (never any fun surprises like you get at Stop & Shop) this one's smaller than most so it only carries a subset of the Star subset of the world's food products. But, to look bigger, each food product is in three different places within the store ("Look, honey, polenta's a snack food!") to make you think they have three times as many items, when really they're reducing the number of items because our brains are so tiny that seeing 1/3 of the store in triplicate looks bigger than just seeing three times as many kinds of food, and who cares about different kinds of food anyway? You people should just eat Quaker Corn Bran for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and wash it down with Coke or Pepsi, the only two beverages ever invented. Now that I have proved my theory, no further discussion of this topic is possible, and Hitler is unrelated to my riches. The End. -- K. Just once, I'd like to see a scientific paper end with "Now that I have proved my theory, all you other people have to leave science forever. The End." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.taco-bell From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: El Taco And The Death Crabs Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 04:07:48 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology This weekend, Sean Smith and I went to Chinatown to find more goofy food items (and food-like items) to photograph for my Web site. The best find was a bin of crabs with a sign saying, in large and unambiguous letters, DEATH CRAB 50c/lb ...so we ran away. (The store also had bins of live turtles -- both the crunchy and soft-shell varieties -- and frozen "blood ark", which I assume was just a misspelling for "blood a.r.k". I'm considering getting one of the foot-long leaf-nosed leatherback turtles for a pet, and am not considering eating any food product named after alt.religion.kibology.) After our escape from the DEATH CRAB, on our way back to the subway station, we passed a 7-Eleven convenience store that used to be a Christy's incon- venience store. I'm happy that Christy's was bought out by 7-Eleven, as Christy's always had that damn sign that said "ALWAYS OPEN" even though they were not, while 7-Eleven has the guts to tell you their store hours right within their NAME. Also, 7-Eleven has more kinds of junk food that you can't get elsewhere, like Dragon Potion flavor Slurpees, and FrŸt Coolers, and the brand new El Taco. Which brings me to the point of this piece. El Taco. The single greatest sin against humanity ever committed by a convenience store. Anyway, we stared in through the 7-Eleven window at the back of the hot dog machine where the hot dogs and El Taco filling were slowly rumbling around on the warm, greasy rollers. The clerk was clearly flustered that we were staring at the back side of her display of body-temperature meats, and glowered at us, so we glowered back, and I think she assumed we were health inspectors because she stopped glowering at us. We watched the eighty-degree old hot dogs roll over a few more times then went home. THE END! No, wait, I forgot to tell the story. Come back! Anyway, Sean went back home on the "B" train and I caught an "E", and got off one stop past my apartment because I needed to buy a gallon of water at the smelly little market there. Unfortunately, it was closed, because this was Easter Sunday and everything in the world was closed except for convenience stores and the Chinese supermarkets we killed the afternoon at. So, I had to cross the street to my local 7-Eleven, which is a lot like the one whose window we had stared in, except closer to my home and staffed by even stupider people. (When this one was a Christy's, it had had a "Taco Bell Express" in it for about two months, then they took it out after realizing that hiring two extra unskilled laborers -- and I do mean EXTRA unskilled -- to staff the "Taco Bell Express" that did zero business had been a bad idea. Why didn't anyone eat there? This is the place where, when you ordered X, they wrote down that you ordered Y, and when you said you ordered X, they said no, you ordered Y, it says so right here on the pad so you're obviously wrong, now leave or we're callin' the cops. Really. I saw them telling a guy they were calling the cops after he politely complained they had written down something other than what he said.) Anyhow, Christy's is no more, the location is now a 7-Eleven, bursting with 7-Eleven specialties, like the El Taco. (Or, for you Quebecers, the le El Taco.) While I was picking up my gallon of water I decided to tempt fate and order a El Taco. (Or is that a Un Taco?) Now, this location was covered with posters advertising El Taco for 99c. They put them up in mid-March (despite the fact that the posters say in the lower right corner that they were to be posted on April first) and as you go in you face a giant poster showing a two-foot-wide closeup of El Taco, glistening with a beefy shine burnished to a high gloss on the rollers. A word about the hot dog roller machine. From the posters, it was obvious that El Taco was not a real taco of any sort. Real tacos have ground meat and taco seasoning inside. El Taco has a brown Lincoln Log. That's right, El Taco is a sausage link with a tortilla around it. It's obvious that they racked their brains to try to figure out how they could sell tacos without relying on any machinery other than the hot dog machine, so they decided that Americans would be willing to be told to eat link sausages and pretend they were tacos. So, I asked the clerk for "one El Taco". He asked, "Which one you want?" and I figured he was being kind enough to let me choose from the four identical beef logs in a holding pattern on the rollers next to the hot dogs and egg rolls. But the look of defocusedness in his eyes betrayed that, perhaps, I was assuming too much competence. So he was probably asking me whether I wanted the kind of El Taco that was a hot dog, or the kind of El Taco that was an egg roll. I pointed to the corner of the case that held the El Taco filling sticks and repeated, "an El Taco." He picked up his tongs and held up an egg roll from the opposite side of the case. "This?" I pointed again to the corner where the dark brown cylinders of taco substitute were rotating, and he got the idea. Sort of. He put on a plastic glove, picked up one of the meat logs, and dropped it into a hot dog bun. Then he put that into the lid side of a hot dog box and handed it to me, and told me to go over to the topping bar for my choice of free toppings. I didn't argue, because I mean, hey, if the guy was too clueless to know the word "Taco" (apparently he didn't speak one word of English OR Spanish) he wouldn't understand a sentence like, "No, you dunderhead, a taco is supposed to have a tortilla around it, not a hot dog bun, you know, like on those huge posters you can see over my shoulder." Besides, I know what tortillas taste like, I was only interested in the meatoid loaf log, so I paid for my $1.09 99c El Taco and went over to the topping bar. Which, I might add, was about what you would expect a salad bar maintained by 7-Eleven employees and used by 7-Eleven customers to be. There were, of course, only half as many pairs of tongs as gloppy toppings, so I used the cleanest pair (with mustard on only one side, and cheez filings clinging only to the other side) to fish out some lettuce from the bottom of the big hole that contained an ounce of wilted lettuce. I noted that the nearby chili sauce and melted cheez dispensers both had bright yellow boogers of cheez dangling from their spigots, indicating that just maybe they were both filled with hideous toxic convenience store cheez. I applied the minimum amount of toppings needed to turn a sausage stick in a hot dog bun into a taco and went home to eat my incorrectly-built, overcharged El Taco in its upside-down box. (I also bought a "Blue Raspberry" Slurpee, which tasted exactly like artificial coconut. What's the world coming to when they can't even simulate the familiar taste of naturally blue raspberries?) It turns out that the meat tubule in the El Taco isn't even seasoned in an attempt to pass as taco filling. It's a breakfast sausage link. You know, Jimmy Dean, Brown'n'Serve, that kind of stuff. The secret recipe is 50% black pepper and 50% sage. (Sage is a spice which Americans only put in breakfast sausage, which is why the people who make pizza rolls "WITH SAUSAGE SPICES - CONTAINS NO MEAT" can fool bozos into thinking they're eating a sausage pizza just by putting sage in the little pockets of cheez.) In fact, the sausage was a dead ringer for a Brown'n'Serve link in terms of appearance and taste, although somewhat larger. (It was also claimed to be 100% beef, while most Brown'n'Serve varieties are a mixture of pork, turkey, and beef -- except for the all-beef ones I avoid 'cause when I want sausage I want real pork, dammit!) An inspection of the box revealed check boxes (after I turned it right-side-up) for all the variants of the 7-Eleven Eternally Rotating Hot Dog, such as "Big Bite", and, tellingly, "Breakfast Big Bite". In other words, 7-Eleven apparently sells a sausage stick in a hot dog bun as a breakfast item, and so they thought they could pass off the sausage stick as a taco if they shipped in a few tortillas once a month, but they forgot to inform the staff that they were supposed to use the tortillas when making El Tacos, so their plan was foiled when the clerk gave me a Breakfast Big Bite instead, despite the fact that this 7-Eleven location doesn't serve the Breakfast Big Bite. I think. So, to conduct a scientific test, I recruited one of my cronies (M. Scott Ramming) to go in and order an El Taco just as I did, while I watched from the back of the store and pretended not to know him. (Which I do anyway.) Scott encountered the other clerk, which, I thought, would make this interesting because something different would probably happen. I mean, they couldn't BOTH be so clueless as to not know they were promoting El Tacos. Boy, was I wrong. Clerk #2 went through the same routine, including holding up an egg roll with tongs, but once Scott pointed to the sausage sticks he was clueful enough to put it into a tortilla. Then something truly bozotic happened: He made Scott go over to the topping bar to complete it and THEN wait in the long line again to pay for it. They hadn't punished me in that way. What possible purpose could giving you the food and then making you wait in line a second time to pay for it serve? (Other than: You could walk out the door with your free food.) Also, Scott's El Taco cost $1.19. So far, we've learned: A) El Taco is not a taco. B) El Taco often is an egg roll or hot dog in the clerk's mind. C) 99c equals some number between $1.09 and $1.19, depending. D) You may have to wait in line twice to get your El Taco, providing you're enough of a taco conisseur to want lettuce, cheez, or salsa on your taco. E) I ate one and I didn't die... yet. Oh, yeah, and Clerk #2 turned off the rollers before taking out the El Taco stick, and forgot to turn them back on when he was done. So, down the street, the hot dogs and egg rolls are only getting mildly warmed on one side... IN THREE WEEKS THEY COULD BURN!!! -- K. Actually, the sun was shining on the top side, so they were probably cooking evenly. P.S. Also, 7-Eleven needs to start selling Death Crabs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: El Taco And The Death Crabs Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 8 Apr 1999 05:17:14 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A Unified Response to some of my critics and/or syncophants. SYNCOPHANTS LIKE ORANGE MARSHMALLOW BANANA-FLAVORED PEANUTS! Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry ( kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm considering getting one of > > the foot-long leaf-nosed leatherback turtles for a pet, > > DUDE! You should do this, seriously! Then you could put up a web page about > your cute pet! You could name him Gamera! It would be cute! But only if I named him Gandhi Gamera With Allen Gunt! (Callbacks STILL have no statue of limitations. Mommy, what time is my statue of my foot?) > P.S. I couldn't decide how many m's were in Gamera, so here are some extra > in case they're needed: mmmmmmm MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! WE NEED MORE M'S! (segue to callback to "Do I have to have another M&M?" post from 1994) "Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > El Taco. > > > > The single greatest sin against humanity ever committed by a > > convenience store. > > Oh, please. Like a hotdog-in-a-tortilla is great sin. > > Over here, we have TACO ICECREAM. An icecream shaped like a taco. We've had the Good Humor(R) Choco Taco(R) here for about five years. They show up in a couple of other brands, too, probably produced under patent license from Good Humor(R), the source of all that is evil in the world -- with a name like Good Humor you know they gotta be evil. Dag, come to the United States RIGHT NOW and I'll show you all the stupid things we've got right now that you're not allowed to have for five years. Like, we have casinos that let you wager brain cells, and aerosol dirt, and a TV series actually filmed within the Earth's molten core. Starring puppies. Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I like the fact that Kibo was in a 7-11. I like the fact that I could easily have blown it up. I dislike that I didn't think of that at the time. -- K. Also here in the U.S. we have orange marshmallow banana-flavored tacos. ///// old ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: rectal medications (was "Anal Food?") Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 5 Apr 1994 11:45:11 GMT Don Giberson (djg@netcom.com) wrote: > > [quoting from a book on enemas] > > "About halfway through my enema ordeal the boy in the next bed > nervously murmured to the nurse, 'Do I have to have another > M&M?' I think this could be the hot new catchphrase of the year! "Keep your sense of humor out of rec.org.mensa" has now been superseded by "Do I have to give you another M&M?" Go with the flow. -- K. It's the green ones that are gross. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: El Taco And The Death Crabs Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 21:23:50 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp "David/FortyTwo" (david@fortytwo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...context deleted, then paved over...] > > > > a TV series actually filmed within the Earth's molten core. > > Starring puppies. > > I just want to look at this some more. Remember not to look directly at the TV while "Glowing Flaming Plasma Power Puppies" is on. It is important that this TV program for small children be viewed only through six inches of solid lead, or six one-inch thick lead plates separated by layers of marshamllow frosting. Also, there should be a bake shoppe that sells nothing but food cooked in an Easy-Bake oven. And the men's room and ladies' room would be separated by a layer of mashmallow frosting. -- K. I still shout "WOW, THE POWER RANGERS GOT ALL FAT AND RETARDED!" whenever I see the Teletubbies. I hope someday one of you people will be there to hear it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: El Taco And The Death Crabs Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 8 Apr 1999 05:04:45 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This weekend, Sean Smith and I went to Chinatown to find more goofy food > > items (and food-like items) to photograph for my Web site. The best find > > was a bin of crabs with a sign saying, in large and unambiguous letters, > > > > DEATH CRAB 50c/lb > > And next year, it'll be DEATH CRAB 2000!!! And it'll actually kill you if you eat it. Or at least make you throw up if you just smell it. > Except for the fact, of course, that according to the Chinese calendar it'll > be something like the year 3026. Which means that this joke would be hundreds > and hundreds of years too old, even for Matt McIrvin to explain! Well, someday he'll be older than the current year is and then he'll show it. MOMMY, WHAT YEAR IS MY FOOT? (David Pacheco will explain.) > > We watched the eighty-degree old hot dogs roll over a few more times > > then went home. > > As I disappear from this narrative, (Somewhere, Sean Smith's crazy uncle John Winston Smith rolls a photo of Sean up into a tiny cardboard ciagrette and drops it into a pneumatic tube marked DISPOZ-O BRAND PERSONAL VAPORIZER, and everyone forgets that Sean Smith once existed, even briefly. We see people who are bowling stop bowling for a second, then resume. One of them says "Golly! I am now even happier than I was a moment ago even though I don't realize anything just happened!") > I have to say that while, Lord knows, Kibo certainly doesn't need another > gooily sycophantic post on ARK, YOU GOT YOUR GOO ON MY SYNCOPANTS! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, SYNCOLAND? SYNCOLAND! MORE GOO, MORE FUN! HALF THE DEATH CRABS! > I don't think I've ever had so much fun in a grocery store. No word of a lie. Next weekend, you wanna hit all the Japanese, Korean, and Indian stores? I'd invite you to Toys R Us, but it might be more fun than you could handle. Especially if the photo-sticker machine is out of photo-stickers again in eight languages. <-- David Pacheco needs to do his homework to explain that. -- K. Remember to show all your work, Dave. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: El Taco And The Death Crabs Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 03:16:56 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I'd invite you to Toys R Us, but it might be more fun than you could > > > handle. Especially if the photo-sticker machine is out of photo-stickers > > > again in eight languages. <-- David Pacheco needs to do his homework > > > to explain that. > > > > Did it have a big German "auBer" in the middle, in a weird font? > > Holy dingo's kidneys! Suddenly I remember seeing one in my Toys'R'Us! > But only vaguely. And I remember the ess-tsett being a different color. > Suddenly I think you're talking about a different sticker machine than > the one at Metrocenter's arcade. You're clearly imagining it, as *I* was the one who saw the "auBer" machine especially since we know it's impossible that every sticker machine in every Toys R Us could have the same "OUT OF ORDER" screen in its tiny 16-bit brain. You're just misremembering this article of mine that I've reposted about once a week since I wrote it last year. /////////// the unbearable oldness of reposting ////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Photo Stickers Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 19 Jan 1998 04:02:52 GMT There was a "Photo Stickers" booth at the Toys R Us here. It was out of stickers, so the screen showed a STOP sign which said, in about eight languages, "This machine is temporarily out of service." Dead center was the middle word of the German line: "auBer". The "B" was a bright yellow Zapf Chancery Medium Italic swash cap, and the rest was white Helvetica Black. All's I want to know is, was this screen a Troll Touch? -- K. I wonder if my photo is still on that NTT Web site with the other little Japanese kids. /////////// end unbearable oldness of reposting ////////////////////////////// Anyway, this time I got some nice close-up photos of it, which will become the crown jewel of the next update of my "KIBO'S PHOTOS OF SIGNS WITH DUMB TYPOGRAPHY, BECAUSE EVERYONE LOVES LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF SIGNS EVEN MORE THAN THEY LOVE JUST LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLE'S PHOTOS" Web pages, which is scheduled to happen around 2007 or maybe 2008. Also, I was wrong, it was white *Arial* Black, not Helvetica. An easy mistake to make when you're blinded by the giant yellow ITC Zapf Chancery Medium Italic swash-capital "B" in the middle of a forest of tiny white letters on a really blurry on-24-hours-a-day CRT behind a half-inch-thick kid-proof Lexan shield which has been scratched to oblivion by the employees' attempts to keep it clean so that you can see through it. By the way, Toys R Us price tags now just say "R US" because they never can remember whether each particular store is a Toys R Us, Kids R Us, or Babies R Us. And at some outlets they demand YOUR HOME PHONE NUMBER when you buy a "Space: 2000" action toy and at others they don't, which bothers me because I had a good wacky phone number prepared to give them but they didn't ask so I went next door and bought some weeeeeird ravioli. Also, they have "NO PHOTOS" signs all over Toys R Us, so don't tell them about the hundreds of photos I took of things like Newborn Diaper Surprise Center and Incredibly Soft Baby. -- K. You boring people probably only get the kind of ravioli that's completely natural-looking. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: El Taco And The Death Crabs Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 03:02:28 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'd invite you to Toys R Us, but it might be more fun than you could > > handle. Especially if the photo-sticker machine is out of photo-stickers > > again in eight languages. <-- David Pacheco needs to do his homework > > to explain that. > > Did it have a big German "auBer" in the middle, in a weird font? Yeah, that's the one. But unlike last year, this time I got a photo! This will be the greatest prize of my "photos of bad typography" Web gallery next time I update it (around 2007). > Send us the URL so we can see smiling screaming Japanese teenagers > surrounding your floating head. I remember when there was only one URL, and people went around saying, "Hey, send me The URL!" and it was all so new that they didn't mind seeing The URL over and over. I think it was president://whitehouse.gov. > > Remember to show all your work, Dave. > > PROOF OF BASE CASE: > > For N=1, place Kibo's head in center of Japanese teenager's face, using > stapler or ha'penny nails. For some reason I am imagining Dave saying "ha'penny" in Dick Van Dyke's accent from "Mary Poppins", but not the original version, the Pillsbury- sponsored stage extravaganza, "Maryzapoppin' Fresh!" NOW WITH 50% MORE RAP! > PROOF FOR N > > Given: N > > If N is prime, then Fourier transformation of N places 2N+1 Japanese > teenage faces around Kibo's head, alternating with dancing bears and > confetti (since 2N+1 is odd, an even number of dancing bears is > required, plus a coloured skeleton in a top hat and cane). Hey! You can't tell it's a black guy's skeleton just by looking at it! What, you think colored people's skeletons got more rhythm than us albinos? Huh? I SAY YOU'RE A SKELE-RACIST! > If N is not prime, then insert Deus Ex Machina here, and bring in Rick > Sternbach to fill in the part that says "[tech]". GEORDI: But, Captain, we can't fire the phasers due to the residual trans-space resonance latency in the starboard secondary warp field bifurcators caused by the intersection of the cosmic string fragment with my bagel. PICARD: *Scotty* could have fired out how to fire the phasers in less time than it took you to say that. GEORDI: [wacky insult] > QED. Why is it that you can't shout out "QED!" in court? I mean, I shout out "Yahtzee!" all the time -- especially during my lawsuit against the makers of the game "Yahtzee!" -- but they won't let me say "QED!" because proving something in court is better than just proving it with logic and so the court cannot be tainted by mere human logic. Also I shout "THE END!" in the middle of bad movies and I should be allowed to shout "QED!" there too. Also "QED!" is one syllable *and* a dorky sneaker people only wear if their mom bought them some when they were little. > Hey, I wrote this whole post without lifting my pencil from the paper! > I WIN!! That means that if we put this post in the microwave oven, a spark will jump between the first word and the last word! Yay! > -dp. > A warning to you all: > You miss one Art Linkletter > reference, you have to do > this kind of thing FOREVER. That's why Art Linkletter isn't allowed to go off the air, even in his hip new Bill Cosby form. Because he missed one reference to himself. And it led to a tax audit. And I can prove that colored skeletons are just like white ones because you can't tell Art from Bill Cosby when they're both on your TV being tedious, so how could you possibly tell them apart without their flesh? I say END RACISM NOW BY CUTTING OPEN ART LINKLETTER AND BILL COSBY TO PROVE THERE'S NOTHING INSIDE EITHER OF THEM! -- K. If all black people were exactly like Bill Cosby, old white people wouldn't be so racist, but young white people would become more racist. So I think it's good that we're all different so that young white people can like Chris Rock and old white people can like Bill Cosby and nobody can like Carrot Top, 'cause he's white. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Crazy video games Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 04:15:23 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "THE PEOPLE" (right@home.gov) wrote: > > [...context was here...] > > Unfortunately, and, sadly, somewhat predictably, there is nothing very > much to do in the fourth dimension. That's why, whenever I go to the fourth dimension, I always bring a comic book to read. In the fourth dimension, you can amuse yourself for hours with a single comic book, because, remember, in the fourth dimension they would have non-zero thickness. They would ACTUALLY be worthy of being called books. Of course, real books would be these enormous hypercubes of paper, and the Encyclopedia Britannica would have 65,536 volumes arranged in the shape of a Rubik's Cube filled with Pac-Man dots and a Mayan calendar. Speaking of which, I think we should all convert our computers to use Mayan dates so that they won't run out of dates on 1/1/2000. -- K. Somewhere in the fourth dimension a bunch of dead Mayans are laughing their hyperspherical butts off at us and our puny base ten arithmetic. Sure, they never discovered the wheel. But we never discovered you can count on your toes! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: repeating a meme Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 04:23:27 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > Muppet crotch! > > YAAAAAAAY! It is a beautiful day here at Kibology Stadium, where the faithful have gathered to cheer A Guy Saying "Muppet Crotch". What's this? There seems to be some kind of commotion... Good lord, he didn't SAY "Muppet Crotch", he HAS "Muppet Crotch"! The crowd is throwing beer bottles filled with bees! One of them just threw a 7-Eleven El Taco! Oh, the horror, the horror! -- K. P.S.: DEATH CRAB! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Insanely blue cube Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 04:59:35 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > Reading the thread about seaQuest and TV dinners made me realise that > Kibo is very aware of exactly how much is wrong with Western society > these days, and he's really enjoying it. Soaking in it, really. Heck, I'm one of the reasons Western civilization is going to decline, fall, explode, and be covered with 200 tons of cosmetic lava. > In this very metaphorical state brought on by lack of sleep, I also > realised that Finland is usually only touched by the fringes of the > shockwave of incredibly lame pop culture that the US generates. And even > then it's barely survivable. Yeah, we envy you over there. You probably only get TWO of the three different versions of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" on any given day. (I sincerely hope the one you don't get is the one whose title was recently changed from "Kwik Witz" to "Quick Witz" because apparently the spelling was unintentional. The one with Drew Carey is somewhat acceptable, the original more so, but of course they're all just TV!) > Makes it a bit harder to be a kibologist, though. Or at least different. Over here we have a TV channel that shows nothing but music videos based on "Battlestar Galactica" starring chimpanzees. > No, I'm not drunk. Just tired and bored. I've got too much spare > creativity and nothing to do. So, hurry up and stifle that creativity before it makes you happy. See if YOU can draw Tippy The Turtle and have your Art Test professionally graded for only $500 to learn how to become less creative. > Also, I'll trade some old russian army insignas for a pack of Death > cigarettes. Commie patches and pins are pretty easy to get here compared to Death cigarettes. Now, if you could get me a new pair of 30-cm Soviet army boots, then we could make a deal... -- K. Waah, I wore out my examples of FINE COMMUNIST CRAFTSMANSHIP by walking around the city. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Insanely blue cube Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 03:07:44 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@2cowherd.com) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > Yeah, well I bought some surplus "Free Market Democracy God and Apple > > Pie and Mom" boots about six years ago. They wore out about five > > years and eleven months ago. > > WAAAAH!!! YOU'RE the one who stepped in my pie! THEM'S GOOD PIE-STOMPIN' BOOTS! (Man, the Three Stooges just haven't been any fun since they became the Three Commie Stooges. Now instead of bothering to throw pies at each other they just step in them. Then they eat them, making sure they all get an equal amount, and then they build Sputnik.) > Mom wasn't too happy, either. Your mom wears army boots with Hello Kitty laces! -- K. As a kid I always took "waffle-stomper" way too literally. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Insanely blue cube Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 8 Apr 1999 04:55:34 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > When I took theater arts in high school, the teacher had a rule in our > improv games that we should never fall back on homosexuality or even > sex in general because it's a sort of black hole.... and once again, WHOOSH!!! goes my magical bar of Kontext-Away(TM) which uses a mixture of science and psychosis to make things said on the Internet even funnier than they should be. MEANWHILE, AT THE OPPOSITE END OF THE INFINITELY LARGE UNIVERSE... A bunch of gay people fell into a black hole! And had sex inside! EWWW!!! -- K. Remember, never fall back on homosexuality, always spring ahead on homosexuality. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: UPERBO! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 05:04:03 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > A while back I mentioned in some post about how, three weeks after whenever > the most recent Superbowl Sunday was, this bar up the street from me had a > sign that still announced a "Superbowl Party This Sunday!" > So I wanted to head in there some Sunday afternoon with the big beer hat and > the giant finger and everything. > ANYWAY ..... > The sign today reads: > > U P E R B O > ARTY > > > So I leave it to you to make something funny. > > Entertain me! It's your duty as a kibologist. One question: Is this "Arty" as in the guy on "Laugh-In" or "Arty" as in the guy on "The Electric Company"? I gotta know which one I'm supposed to make fun of to avoid hurting the wrong guy's feelings. Also, it would be funnier if the sign said "UPERBO PANTY". -- K. with UPERBO ANTY AT! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Campaign Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1999 05:15:15 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > > > Some day now I'll start my big campaign. It's all about making the world > > a better place by smacking people that annoy you with rolled-up newspapers. > > Not just random people on the street (that might be fun too, though), but > > more infuential, or at least publically visible, people that have made > > your life more annoying. Like people who make annoying music, > > commericals, movies, software, and so on. > > This is the climax of every Alan Arkin star vehicle. But... I have yet to see one where he smacks himself. Although the scene where his toupee falls off in "The Return Of Captain Invincible" was pretty close. > > HEY KIDS! Watch the exciting adventures of > > **** THE ALAN ARKIN STAR VEHICLE **** > [...] > > COLLECT 'EM ALL! Available only on Bargain Bin Video! Coming soon to > the gutted shell of a Woolworth's near you! Gutted shell? Are you saying Woolworth's had guts? What aisle were they on? I only remember them having 50,000 of the Johnathan Frakes "Star Trek: The Next Generation" action figures with the ripped shirt, and a wide assortment of rubber hip waders and flannel pajamas. Mixed together. Oh, and some really really really tiny parakeets that looked kind of translucent under those fluorescent lights. Also Malcolm Hulke made fun of them in the novelization of his "Doctor Who" episode "Invasion Of The Dinosaurs", but perhaps I have already said too much. I shall depart thusly to remain a manly stud. -- K. Also, this week the Sci-Fi Channel is showing the movies "The Space Rangers Chronicles: Episode One", "The Space Rangers Chronicles: Episode Two", and "The Space Rangers Chronicles: Episode Three", which altogether are really SIX episodes! So don't feel cheated, you can still see the entire run of "Space Rangers" even though it's been lightly edited into a big-budget movie spectacular. I just hope they added Sensurround like they did with "Battlestar Galactica: The Movie". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Youngsters' made-up games go prime time Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 8 Apr 1999 04:24:42 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Caught on ClariNet via the Christian Science Monitor, the only national newspaper thinner than USA Today: > > Subject: Youngsters' made-up games go prime time > > [...] > ``I had a little dartboard out in the yard and my grandma was using > a shovel to garden,'' Taylor relates from Vero Beach, Fla. `` 'Hey, > Nana, I've got a good idea. [Let's] shoot the grapefruits at the board > using the shovel.' My grandma tried it and my mom tried it and they > hit the target.'' > Voila! The game of ``Target'' was born. > Things might have ended right there if Taylor's elementary school > principal hadn't shared an invitation he received to submit ideas to a > new TV show: ``Z Games.'' I don't see why all these TV channels are now devoting all their air time to silly made-up games and not regular naturally-occurring sports like God intended, there should be more commercials instead, and why do vitamins taste worse than they used to these days it's the Democrats I tell you, I don't use the dishwasher because it might break and then I'd have to talk to a repairman I wish I had friends where are my cats? Ow my heinie. > The Disney Channel program features innovative games invented by > kids, for kids. Them kids these days with their television and their channels and their inventeding, it's getting so you can't go to the store any more, they're talking about cloning us now, I used to vote for the government but now I'm too old, are those muffins free they shouldn't be next to the cash register if you have to pay for them. > [...] > ``In the hierarchy of games,'' says the show's executive producer > Don Wells, ``Z games might one day become X Games, which might one day > become Olympic sports.'' And there are too many categories of games these days, and zip codes, there are so many of 'em and they keep a-changin', not many people wear hats any more it's a shame, they never should have cancelled that show with that murder lady who solved murders damn Democrats! > [...] > After filming the first 13 episodes, Mr. Wells of Highland > Productions, says he's encouraged by what's happening in backyards and > on school playgrounds. ``Creativity,'' he says, ``is absolutely > thriving.'' (...despite the efforts of TV producers to kill creativity forever.) And what's with all these parentheses these days it's gettin' so you can't read straight any more you have to go around all the parentheses they never should have invented them because people yell at me when I use them because I get the left one and the other one all mixed up. > Captured on the 500 hours of footage shot were games that used soda > bottles, garbage cans, bricks, bean bags, milk cartons, plastic > crates, a ditch, and a shower curtain, plus numerous balls and goals. (...all of which are soon to be sold as Official Z-Games Brand Equipment, including the ditch for use in your very own living room.) > [...] > In choosing among more than 2,000 game ideas submitted for the > series, Wells says a first-line consideration was safety. (...waah, they didn't pick my "Kick The Elephant", "AIDS Needle Blow Darts", and "Krazy-Glue Eating Contest" games.) > Accessibility, too, was important, meaning that children from ``all > over'' should have the means to play. If a game met these criteria, > the next question was: Does it look as if it would be fun to watch? (...and then they went ahead and filmed the show anyway.) > C O P Y R I G H T * R E M I N D E R > > This article is Copyright 1999 by Christian Science Monitor. In my day we just had regular Christianity before the Scientists proved God and stuff, now you don't have to believe in the Bible any more you can just look it up in a book, and all those people singing rap hymns, I'm not a racist but some people should just be locked up God strike me dead my bathtub overflows too easy but they won't give me a new one damn Democrats. -- K. Rehearsing for the year 2050 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Thinking of Buying a House Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 8 Apr 1999 05:21:22 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > I would like the kind of termites that bore through pets. WHOOSH! And again, Kontext-Away makes the magic happen! Meanwhile, dot dot dot... Poor Spot! He was being bored to death. By termites! THE END. -- K. I want the kind of pets that bore through your neighbor's pets. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Thinking of Buying a House Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 21:17:35 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > WHOOSH! And again, Kontext-Away makes the magic happen! > > > > I want the kind of pets that bore through your neighbor's pets. > > > Yeah, but it could be argued that even without Kontext-Away, the post made > just about as much sense. But it wasn't as pretty before I cleaned it with new S'WASH! Now it's all curly and the letters are wearing little feeted pajamas. By the way, I'M NOT A BABY, so I don't wear socks with feet attached to them! > But that would a super stupid arguement, hunh? Wow, Stan Lee just isn't trying any more. Super Stupid Argument is the worst graphic novel brand comic book ever. Especially the parts where Super Stupid Argument advertises Hostess Fruit Pies: "Ha! Ha! Now I have stolen your Hostess Fruit Pie!" "Yeah, well, so would Hitler if he were here!" "That's a stupid argument." "No, YOU'RE stupid!" "But you're Super Stupid Argument. Don't you see the irony in YOU calling ME stupid?" "No, I can't, because YOU'RE STUPID! Also... YOU'RE A MILLION TIMES STUPIDER THAN HITLER!!!!" "Eat Hostess Fruit Pies, kids! They're better than Hitler!" > Also, does Kontext-Away come in industrial sizes? The best way to remove context on a large scale is to put a plaque in front of the object explaining exactly what it is, then build a museum around it, then charge admission. There's nothing like seeing THE WORLD'S FIRST XEROX MACHINE!!! between THE MONA LISA!!!! and A KIDNEY STONE FROM THE MOON!!! to eradicate all traces of cultural context. Museums. Where stuff goes when we want to keep it away from other stuff. > I would like to see if we could use it in the next PuttPutt game. DEAR PUTT-PUTT GOLF COURSES OF AMERICA, INC., I SINCERELY BELIEVE THAT LEAH VERRE IS REFERRING TO YOUR PUTT-PUTT BRAND MINIATURE GOLF COURSES AND TO YOUR REGISTERED TRADEMARK FOR YOUR PUTT-PUTT BRAND MINIATURE GOLF COURSES WHEN SHE USES THE WORDS "PUTT-PUTT GAME". YOUR PAL, KIBO, A LAWYER'S ONLY FRIEND. P.S. And don't send nasty E-mail about this because you'd have to type an "@" in your address and we just happen to have the registered trademark for "@" right here. Also I need to ask my boss if we can register the words "Putt-Putt" and "Leah Verre" too. Maybe to save money we should just register "Putt". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: proverb Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1999 21:35:18 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > People who live in inflatable houses > shouldn't throw durians. You know, I find it highly offensive that the standard saying assumes that those of us who live in expensive I. M. Pei-designed glass towers are TOO DAMN STUPID TO GO OUTSIDE BEFORE THROWING ROCKS WHICH YOU HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE TO GET BECAUSE YOUR HOME IS MADE OF GLASS AND NOT ROCKS SO YOU HAVE TO BE PRETTY STUPID TO GO OUT, GET A ROCK, TAKE IT HOME, AND THEN THROW IT AT THE PEOPLE WHO USED TO BE OUTSIDE BEFORE THEY GOT BORED AND WENT HOME!!! Also, I bought a little can of CRISPY DURIAN. It appears to be the innards of an entire durian (about four giant yellow banana-slug-like partitions) dehydrated and shrunk down to where they fit in a little can. The scary part is on the back: INGREDIENT: DURIAN 100% I should point out that after Duran Duran merged with Haircut 100 they changed their name to Durian 100% before Simon LeBond gave up music and started writing those books about "100 Uses For A Dead Durian". Then "N'Sync" merged with "Guns'N'Roses" and "Nine Inch Nails" and became "N'N'N", but then they got sued by that NNN that produces all the fake newscasts in all movies. And Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, which was the plot twist at the end of the "Star Wars Episode 1" sneak preview I just saw. Whoops! Hope I didn't ruin the movie too bad. Too bad! -- K. P.S. While I type I'm eating leftovers from September's party. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The dubious importance of Reading Ahead Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 03:24:42 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > [...skipping ahead...] > > [...which, by the way, is how I read a novel: I read the end first then > I read backwards. Unless it's a Japanese book.] > > The weirdest evil quizzes were those written by Physical Education > teachers in the Health unit* of the class, because they were so unused to > writing tests or written material of any sort that it was impossible to > tell which of the questions were trick questions and which ones merely > contained egregious factual errors. This was a particular problem for > True/False tests, in which half of the items were intended to be False > because a word was intentionally misspelled, and the other half were False > because of accidental misspellings. Or occasionally you got a multiple-choice question where there was no "none of the above" supposed to circle zero answers, but if you weren't sure there was NO WAY TO SKIP THE QUESTION UNLESS YOU COULD FIGURE OUT HOW NOT TO NOT CIRCLE ANY ANSWERS!!!! > *This, for those not acquainted with US school systems, is typically a > period of a few weeks during which gym class is replaced by a classroom > course in which one learns about hygiene and the evils of drug abuse. It > is taught by an athletic coach with the help of antique textbooks that say > things like "A new advance in dental care is the recent invention of > 'tooth-paste.' Leading scientists are still debating whether or not it > should be swallowed." I always liked the slide-shows representing photos of LSD trips. That's like using stick figures to represent sexual positions. Come to think of that, they did that, too. I think old people who never had any kids would stop complaining about the evils of sex education if they found out just how incredibly lame it is. I mean, they could spend the school budget on buying each kid a copy of Playboy or Playgirl (your parents' choice) and have enough left over to fill the swimming pool with condoms that you could take home, or dive into. -- K. Also I heard that once a novelty company that made French ticklers and exploding cigars had a little mixup and made some French cigars and exploding ticklers. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The dubious importance of Reading Ahead Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 16:09:15 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > "Thrones of Corn, Waves of Pain" (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > > > You know those tests they give you as a kid that go like: > > > > 1) First read items 1-N and complete the tasks on this list. > > > > 2) Do this... > > > > [...] > > > > N) Don't do items 2 - N-1 > > Oh yeah, tricking little kids. Makes big teacher-man feel real big > and smart and like he's teaching little kids to be wary. There should be a class consisting of nothing but kids being tricked to make them wary. James Randi could teach it! And it could be called Prject Alpha and sponsored by Nike, who would glue thousands of real banana-peels to the walls of local subway stations. The class would start with Crazy Uncle Randi playing "GOT'CHA NOSE!" with you, and would work up to reading Internet porn spams. > I guess this lesson could be somewhat valuable if the teacher > presented similar situations which were useful, i.e. a contract > which says at the top "BRAND NEW CAR for $30 a MONTH!" and at the > bottom "In six months you owe us a balloon payment of fifty jillion > dollars and all the candy in the world." But then if the kids read the fine print some of them might still want to take the car and the teacher would have to buy them a car and the kids would drop out of school forever JUST SO THEY COULD KEEP THE CAR!!! > Or make question N a little nicer, by telling the kid something > like "Do only one of the problems above for an automatic 100%." Do all ten for an automatic 1000%! Also, from now on, we're going to grade on a Backwards Curve. The object is to get the LOWEST score in the class, because small numbers are now bigger than big numbers! > That way when they get to the bottom they don't say "OH NO! I was > WRONG because I followed instructions that I didn't have to! That's > the last time I ever follow instructions!" Instead, they say > "Whoops! I should have caught that loophole! Well I'll look for > it next time!" Those are excellent instructions for how to make school better, however, now I must shoot you because I learned at an early age to fly into a murderous rage whenever I see instructions. -- K. Also NOP should be an instruction in real life. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The dubious importance of Reading Ahead Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 05:06:18 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Inflatable Pinata (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > I had a teacher once who told us to read n pages of stories and then > quizzed us on what happenned in page n+1. If you knew, you failed the > quiz. > > At the time I was too young to understand what an asshole he was and to > say so. Punishing children for enjoying reading and exceeding their > assignment. Isn't this where you're supposed to stand up and yell, "DUDE! THAT TEACHER SURE HATES SUPERMAN!" while the rest of your class jumps off the Empire State Building over and over? Then the Japanese win World War II because Superman read an eye chart from the future, where English has been replaced by Japanese, with his Time Tunnel Vision. -- K. I think it would have been so cool if Irwin Allen had produced the Superman TV show. Especially the way Superman's costume would just reappear whenever it was needed due to Superman's lack of continuity with the tiny pile of stock footage. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: A wacky science-fiction dystopia. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 03:30:23 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I think some budding George Orwell out there needs to write a novel where, in the world of the future, all those things your crazy Social Studies teachers talked about in the Sixties and Seventies came to pass: * Metricification * Esperanto * UMWELT! And not to mention The New Math. BY THE YEAR 2000 THE WORLD WILL BE DESTROYED BY A GREAT WAR BETWEEN THE HALF OF THE PEOPLE WHO WENT METRIC AND THE HALF OF THE PEOPLE WHO CONVERTED TO BASE TWELVE! THEY WILL USE ENORMOUS NUCLEAR WEAPONS, INCLUDING DEK EL KILOHOGSHEAD BOMBS! I forget what the title of this book would be, but I'm sure one of you people will volunteer to think of the title, which will require you to write the book to amuse me. -- K. SOMEDAY W WILL AGAIN BE A VOWEL! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A wacky science-fiction dystopia. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 16:16:00 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > I think some budding George Orwell out there needs to write a novel where, > > in the world of the future, all those things your crazy Social Studies > > teachers talked about in the Sixties and Seventies came to pass: > > > > * Metricification > > * Esperanto > > * UMWELT! > > > > [...] > > > > SOMEDAY W WILL AGAIN BE A VOWEL! > > No it will not, for Esperanto does not have a W. YOU RUINED MY DYSTOPIA FOREVER! AND YOU CHANGED MY UMWELT INTO UMELT AND NOW UMELTED ALL OVER MY NEW CAR SEAT! YOU EENIE!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAH! > Even though it has a U with a breve mark above it, which serves pretty > much the same purpose: it created dipthongs and it's also the first > letter in the Esperanto word for "Watt". Someone should have told > Zamenhof about the W. It would have saved people a lot of trouble, > especially those who are going to get razzed for writing a circumflex > instead of a breve over their U's because that's what all the > consonants use. A breve is pretty much an upside-down circumflex. > And that last sentence looks like a fitness exercise if Kibo uses > his patented context-removing formula on it. I just want to say that in German it's a "writing-hook", not a breve. Breves are for Latin and other DEAD LANGUAGES that got TOO OLD AND DIED. -- K. I can't wait until emoticons become a dead language. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A wacky science-fiction dystopia. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 23:15:12 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just want to say that in German it's a "writing-hook", not a breve. > > Breves are for Latin and other DEAD LANGUAGES that got TOO OLD AND DIED. > > And brand new languages that are too new to have their own country. > > Esperanto is still shiny. In fact, it's self-cleaning. But it's not > so new as to be made out of cheap Japanese plastic. My language is made out of The Spice Girls, some Beanie Babies, and that sitcom with Norm MacDonald, all put into a blendered and homogenized into the perfect blend of swell hipness. I call my new language Hefteranto 'cause it's hefty hefty hefty and Esperanto is wimpy wimpy wimpy. Also it has no vowels AND no verbs so it's better than Arabic plus telegram, and the grammar is so simple that you can't possibly screw it up because no sentence has more than one word. Although, one of the phonemes is the entire "Star Spangled Banner" sung at triple speed, and if you don't get the full range of octaves it means something about your mother eating toast naked. So try not to say that phoneme because nobody ever says it right. You know, like the way Alex Trebek always says "You're in a deficit situation!" because his weird Canadian brain can't possibly pronounce the word "LOSER!" and if he said "LOSER!" it would come out something like "LIEUWZAIR!" like if Inspector Clouseau were stupid, and so instead he says "deficit situation" when someone's losing. This is why my language is better, because it eliminates all the words Alex Trebek _can_ pronounce and leaves only the Kibological ones. Like "doidy", "doody", and "durdy". -- K. Alex Trebek can't say doody! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: End daylight savings time NOW! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 03:36:36 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Luke Breinig (lbreinig@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > > > Hi folks, sorry about the cross-posting, but I believe this is > > important. Tonight is the night that those of us in the U.S. (or at > > least a great deal of it) are forced to change our clocks to reflect > > "daylight savings time". I ask, no, I emplore you, do not do it. This > > may seem silly, but think about it. > > I'd rather refuse to go *off* daylight savings time in the fall. Heck, instead of just observing "spring ahead" but not "fall back", I go you one better by springing an hour ahead EVERY DAY, and never falling back! That way I have oodles of extra time and I never age! Unless I'm going this backwards... (Kibo crumbles to dust. While appearing in an "America's Dorkiest Bloopers" segment where a six-month-old baby punches him in the crotch. And just then the Earth gets sucked into a black hole causing time to stop so that everyone has to stare at Kibo being punched in the crotch by a baby for a trillion years.) This is why daylight savings time should be abolished before I embarass myself saying something stupid. On TV. > Boston *really* ought to be in the Atlantic time zone. And California really ought to be at the bottom of the Pacific time zone. > I'd say more, but there are people reading this from Finland and > Alaska, and I'd come across as a whiner. That damn trans-atlantic whiner cable is ruining life in Finland by allowing Matt to whine across the ocean! I say we go find the poles holding it up and chop them down so that it gets wet so it won't work. Also I want to know which time zone the North Pole is in, and what color is the bear's parachute? -- K. And how does it smell? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: End daylight savings time NOW! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 06:05:27 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ALL U.S. BANKS TO MERGE INTO GIANT ROBOT > > WORLD ECONOMY IN CHAOS AS FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN KIBO'S QUOTE TO NOT > TRUST "GIANT ROBOT" MISINTERPRETED. Must... resist... basal... impulse... to make a joke about a seaQuest fan... Wait -- WHY must I resist making fun of seaQuest fans who don't like an unspecified giant robot in Houston, Texas? I'd rather be surrounded by giant robots than seaQuest fans who run "seaQuest DSV" costume museums out of their homes by appointment only. > But it's a dry anarchy. (elevator doors close, trapping you inside with me) HEY, ANARCHIC ENOUGH FOR YOU? HOW ABOUT THOSE MEMES? -- K. Then I take my shopping cart through the one-way Foodmaster aisles just to cause a really insignificant kind of total gridlock. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Proof Pokemon is filled with EVIL!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 03:48:25 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > E Teflon Piano (etp@The-Institute.org) wrote: > > > > > > Tim Serpas (wretch@dillinger-2.io.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > E Teflon Piano (etp@The-Institute.org) wrote: > > > > > > > > > > The reason for this is the lump of industrial-yellow plastic, > > > > > resembling a really compact beeper, is parasitic and actually > > > > > records and feeds off of motion. > > > > > > > > Aahhh, just stick that sucker in the industrial strength > > > > paint mixer at the ol' Home Despot. That oughta keep it > > > > charged up for months. > > > > > > Alas, if you just *shake* him, Pikachu is prone to drop his lollypop, or > > > fall off his unicycle, or wreck his wooden block castle. Then he gets mad > > > at you and *sulks.* > > > > One word. Slingshot. > > What if you just taped it to your dog or cat? Terri, despite the exciting idea that I could tape a bunch of Pokemons to poor Spot, I'm going to borrow your sentence and attempt to cross-breed it with: David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > > > FUR STORAGE BAGS -- "Beneficial air flows in, bad dirt stays out!" > > BAD DIRT!!! BAADD DDIRRRTTT!!! NAUGHTY NAUGHTY DIRT!!! > > When I brush my cat, the stuff that accumulates in the brush gets > encased in Lucite, not put in a storage bag. > > The cat gets encased in cordite, and sold to Jabba the Hutt. Why is it > that any time the word "encased" comes up on Usenet, there has to be a > reference to Han Solo? What are you people, a bunch of SCI-FI GEEKS? WHOOSH! ZING! PERTWEE! Goes new Noisy Aersosol Kontext-Away (patent depending) as we isolate the two sentences from their memetic matrices: SWOOSH! KAPOK! KAPOKITA KAPOKITA AH-OO-GA! ZOWIE! male o-> "The cat gets encased in cordite, and sold to Jabba the Hutt." female o-+ "What if you just taped it to your dog or cat?" Now we cross-breed those sentences by putting them in our Biological Flexitron: /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/cat/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/taped/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/Hutt/\/\/\/\/\/\/cordite "What if you just taped your cat to Jabba the Hutt?" Notice that the cordite is leftover. This is so that we can tape it to Mark Hammill, because, after all, it is a deadly explosive. -- K. Gotta go, I'm cooking Lobster Thermitor. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: the truth is in here... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 04:54:35 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Maelstrom (maelstrom-ark@sga.nu) wrote: > > plankton25@my-dejanews.com wrote: > > > > Do you yearn for religion? > > > > You could do worse than to worship an obscene, malevolent extraterrestrial > > intelligence with no regard for humankind ... > > I think alt.religion.kibology just got its new slogan. "Obscene". That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me! Oh, and the "intelligence" part too. > I say Kibo should run for in his 1902 Presidential campaign. I Ross Perot to draw a diagram of that non-sentence. THIS PRESIDENT NO VERB! -- K. How come the opposite of "malevolent" isn't "evolent"? "Benevolent" is an evil word! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Those lucid dreams they tell you about? A _little_ problem. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 05:01:08 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ZING! ZING! ZING! WOOOO! Once again, Kontext-Away (Pantsless Patent Pending) breathes new life into ordinary articles! David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Me neither. I find that during sleep I can move around and wet the bed > with abandon. Damn. I wish I hadn't used Kontext-Away. Now I gotta go invent Urinzoff. MOMMM! DAVID PACHECO WAS ASTRAL TRAVELLING INTO MY BEDROOM AND HE WET THE BED FOR ME!!!! -- K. What would happen if you mixed Didi-Seven with Ice-Nine? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.jeremy-reimer From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: RANT AGAINST BAD FONTS (and excessive TV graphics) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 16:20:59 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jeremy Reimer (jreimeris@home.com) wrote: > > [...we carefully separate the chaff from the Internet Germ with new improved > Kontext-Away -- now available in pre-moistened towlettes in a pop-up > dispenser which says NOT DIAPER WIPES in large balloon letters...] > > [...] must be stamped out, possibly with the use of rubber nuclear weapons. Are you talking vulcanized rubber, or latex? And where do you stand on Playtex versus Rubbermaid? <--APPLY KONTEXT-AWAY HERE -- K. my "--"s all line up, yay! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.taco-bell From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New Taco Bell Taco Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 16:26:48 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Taco Bell has announced Generic Taco. It contains meat and lettuce. > AND IT IS VERY EXCITING!!!!! No it isn't. They say so in the commercials where that guy who is sort of like Ben Stein, only not as hip among the teens of today, stares into the camera and says in a boring monotone, "The Generic Taco is not in any way exciting or a food product. Do not buy it. It tastes bad." because the Madison Avenue ad-men have learned that IRONY ALWAYS WORKS!!! Except that it doesn't, and any how that's not irony, and it's also not a taco. Besides, I'm still waiting for them to grant my patent on the Spherical Taco, a thin crispy spherical shell with a handful of meat rattling around inside. A sphere is, structurally speaking, the strongest shape, so Taco Bell could NEVER break a hollow sphere when they drop it on the floor. Also every fifth one would contain a live mouse. -- K. Someday I will buy a major fast-food chain just to play with people's minds. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New Device May Soon Sort Your Trash Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 16:49:15 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In the Associated Press wire-feed, James Hannah wrote: > > DAYTON, Ohio (AP) -- Out of tuna fish? Low on pasta? Just toss > your empty cans and boxes into the trash and your shopping will be > done. Yes, now you can shop by throwing stuff away! Why does this seem like something invented in the United States? "Waah! I can't throw anything out without buying another one! I gotta keep all this junk mail forever! And every time I throw out a used Band-Aid it sends me a carton of used Band-Aids!" > Futuristic fantasy? Maybe not, says NCR Corp. I love every news article about THINGS OF THE IMPENDING FUTURE which includes a line like "THIS MAY NOT BE JUST A STUPID IDEA, SAYS THE STUPID IDEA CORPORATION OF AMERICA." Poking your eye out might not be stupid, says EyePokeCo! > The Dayton-based company said Friday it has developed a trash > receptacle that translates coding on empty containers into a > shopping list that can be wired to retailers for delivery. Ha! Ha! I threw all my trash into my neighbor's trash can and then his house EXPLODED WITH CONSUMER GOODS! > ``It's a research project at the moment,'' said Stephen Emmott, > director of NCR's Knowledge Lab in London, England. But there is > ``a fully working prototype in the lab.'' Oooooh. The Knowledge Lab. Is it one of the ones with the big carpet sculpture you can crawl through and a giant lobster marked PLEASE DO NOT CLIMB THE LOBSTER? Do they have signs saying PLEASE LEAVE GOLF BALLS IN RACEWAYS? Does it let you feel a real sea cucumber? With your feet? > Emmott said the Intelligent Bin is embedded with a > microprocessor that reads product identification codes. The > information is transmitted wirelessly either to a computer or > special electronic box, which compiles a list of the discarded > items. Someday your garbage will be smarter than you! You know, I hate to think what will happen when this technology migrates into toilets. You'll have to bar-code your poop so that the toilet can order more of whatever you ate. > That list can then be sent to retailers over the Internet, or > consumers can simply use the device to create their own shopping > list, Emmott said. > ``The benefit to consumers is this incredible convenience, to > automatically be able to reorder things,'' he said. Yes, it's such a burden having to decide whether or not to buy something! Things should just be sent automatically! And the best part is, you won't even have to order the Intelligent Bin! It'll just deliver itself and it won't leave until you agree to love it! > Emmott said it would also give retailers a better idea of what > consumers like and take some of the guesswork out of marketing. > Merchants could tailor discount coupons and special offers based on > consumption patterns. In the future, all the guesswork will be taken out of junk mail and Internet spams! Instead of getting spam for every kind of pornography, you will only get spams for the kinds you love the most! It will be a perfect world! > ``If they know a particular consumer is consuming ice cream and > also throws a package of strawberries away, they begin to learn > consumer habits,'' he said. This is the worst Humphrey Bogart movie ever! > The trash cans could be on the market within five to 10 years, > but it will require the industry to move away from bar codes, > Emmott said. Yes, it is not physically possible to put radio transmitters AND bar codes on the same products. > The bins would require widespread use of radio frequency > identification technology -- a tiny computer chip and antenna > embedded in product labels -- which carries more information than > bar codes. By the way, isn't the idea of putting a radio transmitter into every Kleenex a little... what's that word that's halfway between "stupid" and "expensive"? > The technology has been little used because it's too expensive > to put on inexpensive products, said Bob Glavin, spokesman for > Monarch Marking Systems, a maker of bar-code products. But then they realized that adding a radio transmitter meant that the product was no longer inexpensive so it was okay to add an expensive transmitter. I love the logic of these people. "This gizmo costs a buck, but if they're buying this big thing they won't notice an extra buck!" In the future, a book of matches will have a radio transmitter which costs a tenth of a cent extra, and a $2000 computer will have a radio transmitter which costs $100 extra. And your $300,000 home will have a radio transmitter which costs $10,000 extra, but you won't notice because it's only five digits. > Gary Arlen, president of Arlen Communications, a research > company specializing in pro...pane and pro...pane accessories (I'm sorry, it was so obvious that I *had* to say it. Please forgive me for admitting that Mike Judge has actually been funny once in a while.) > interactive media, said this age of home shopping would favor a smart > trash can, but some consumers might balk. That's okay, we don't want to market to the smart ones anyway. "What information have we gleaned from installing the Intelligent Bin?" "Consumers who buy the Intelligent Bin will buy anything!" > ``How do you feel about someone keeping track of what you use > for toilet paper?'' he asked. ``For some people it will be a > problem.'' It would be even worse if they knew what you were PRETENDING when you used toilet paper. Your boss would hate it. And would then feel the urge to take several showers. > > -=-=- > AP NEWS > The Associated Press News Service > Copyright 1998 by The Associated Press > All Rights Reserved > > The information contained in the AP News report may not be published, > broadcast or redistributed without the prior written authority of > The Associated Press. > -=-=- > C O P Y R I G H T * R E M I N D E R > > This article is Copyright 1999 by The Associated Press. > All articles in the clari.* news hierarchy are Copyrighted and licensed > to ClariNet Communications Corp. for distribution. Except for articles > in the biz.clarinet newsgroups, only paid subscribers may access > these articles. Any unauthorized access, reproduction or transmission > is strictly prohibited. > We offer a reward to the person who first provides us with > information that helps stop those who distribute or receive our news > feeds without authorization. Please send reports to reward@clari.net. > [Use info@clari.net for sales or other inquiries.] > > Details on the use of ClariNet material and other info can be found in > the user documentation section of <> . > Why not just attach a tiny radio transmitter to each Internet message? -- K. I still like the fact that AP's C * O * P * Y * R * I * G * H * T notice was written by Hyman Kaplan. You know, the guy who replaced Potsie in the final season. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: New Device May Soon Sort Your Trash Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 05:57:58 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) quoted a news story: > > > > > Emmott said the Intelligent Bin is embedded with a > > > microprocessor that reads product identification codes. The > > > information is transmitted wirelessly either to a computer or > > > special electronic box, which compiles a list of the discarded > > > items. > > Corollaries: > > 1- Since people listen to the radio in the kitchen, advertisers won't > even have to write stupid ads any more. They'll just transmit the > product information over the airwaves to be received by the Intelligent > Bin, forcing you to buy the product AGAINST YOUR WILL. > 1- Since, as a consumer product, the Intelligent Bin has a smart chip > with a radio transmitter, every time you throw one away you get a new > one delivered for FREE! Actually, you don't even have to throw it away. Its chip's radio signals should go right through the medium-impact blow-molded polystyrene exterior so that the Intelligent Bin can see itself. And it's not physically possible to shield itself against itself because that would violate the Ninth Law Of Recursive Thermodynamics. Won't it keep trying to replace itself even BEFORE you try to kill it? For that matter, won't it also pick up radio signals from garbage in the neighbor's house, and from across town, and from Mars? > 1- This technology also applies to killfiles, so every time you killfile > a post by any official net.kook, you get a free new net.kook in the mail! Fine, but YOU have been assigned the job of stapling radio transmitters to people like Archimedes Plutonium. > 1- Depending on the power of the transmitters, you might start to get > angry letters from companies complaining about why you haven't consumed > that can of coconut milk that's been sitting in the back of your > cupboard since 1984 (exp. 03/07/86), under the cup that's nailed to the > board. And the letters will contain tiny embedded radio transmitters, so that when you throw them out, you get a new one saying "DEAR CONSUMER, WE CAN SEE FROM HERE THAT YOU ARE TOO INTELLIGENT TO READ YOUR *OTHER* JUNK MAIL..." > 1- That guy with a plate in his head will be driven crazy by the voices > in his head every time he throws a can away, like some green-beans-with- > a-soul edition of the Twilight Zone. > > "Hmmmm... this cream corn is expired. Better throw it away." > > "CREAMCORNCREAMCORNCREAMCORNCREAMCORNCREAMCORNCREAMCORNCREAMCORN" > > "AAAAHHHH!!!" The REAL fun will begin when you take a can out of the trash because you forgot to cut the coupon off, and then you throw it away again, and now it orders two of it in a row, and by a process of induction it decides that you want an infinite number of them. And it's a can of BLUE BEANS. > > Someday your garbage will be smarter than you! > > Then you can throw away your membership to rec.org.mensa! The Intelligent Bin will be almost as smart as a chimp, the only animal which is so smart that a mere human cannot potty-train it. > > You know, I hate to think what will happen when this technology migrates > > into toilets. You'll have to bar-code your poop so that the toilet can > > order more of whatever you ate. > > Cut out the middle man! Don't eat food, just eat chocolate-covered > radio transmitters. Dear Archimedes, Yes, I agree. Also, burlap makes good doors. Except on submarines made out of whattle and daub. In the olden days, they would sink submarines by removing their staves! Ah! > -dp. > My toilet just > ordered a gerbil. That's nothing. Today I saw the only existing photo of Twirling Boy, so I'm running around cooing "AH! BURLAP DOORS!" even where there aren't any burlap doors. Except now I'm going to have nightmares that Mr. Burlap Doors Q. Twirling Boy will accidentally stick his head into the Intelligent Bin and it'll order a clone of him, and stupid UPS will mistakenly deliver him to my home because their new nine-dimensional bar-code isn't as smart as the Intelligent Bin. -- K. How DO those UPS hexagons-around- a-bullseye-filled-with-bees stickers work, anyhow? And why am I having so much trouble finding all the "666"s in them? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Rant about Beanie Banies. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 17:08:49 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I've been watching this Beanie Babies special on E! Network, the network > for the shallow and mindless, for about five minutes now and I'm surprised > at how normal the Beanie Babies nerds look. You misspelled "It's like they broke into my home and replaced my TV screen with a mirror! Thank you, E! Brand Entertainment News Television!" > I mean, computer nerds all have this sort of chubby lack of hygiene > and lack of fashion sense going for them, we've all seen news footage > of Star Trek conventions. And we all know that NOBODY who collects Star Wars action figures could possibly also buy Beanie Babies from that same aisle of the Kay-Bee store. (By the way, Kay-Bee Toys has formally changed their name to K-B Toys. I think the next step is for them to flip one of the letters over, or start serving Popcorn Chicken. Personally, I think they just went with K-B because it looks like Mr. Yuk biting his lip, an important emotion to register in any Internet message.) > And in just about every other realm of nerdery we see some degree that > the participants don't care about how they present themselves. I fixed your sloppy formatting, spelling, and grammar above. > But Beanie Baby collectors look like normal people. They're not > particularly fat, they're well-groomed, That's nothing, you should see the My Little Pony people! They groom each other all day with those tiny little combs because they have hair that Y-O-U can comb! Also some of them have a logo on the box that says SPECIAL RUMP DESIGN. Because that sells better than the old version, "WEIRD-ASS PONY". > for the most part they don't have annoying voices or mannerisms that > would identify them as people who are void of human contact. I suppose > it may be because many of them are probably upper-class parents who have > been married for short periods of time. Strange, I thought you had to > be a mega-loser to have this much time to waste. If I were a mega-loser, I would point out the irony of writing a thousand- word essay on how other people waste too much time, but that would be a mega-loserly thing to do, so I won't call you a mega-loser because I am writing this thousand-word essay to prove that I am not a mega-loser, you mega-loser! > And E! seems to be manufacturing(!) mystery relating to Ty Corporation, > which apparently is at the root of the whole Beanie Baby thing. Really? I thought Beanie Babies were dredged out of the ocean in international waters, not invented by some corporation! > They showed an interview clip of some women who pulls a picture of > Ty Warner and shows it to the camera, and somehow by some odd > coincidence her fingers are covering the guy's face. They can't > find any listings when they call the phone company, and they can't > find their Internet site either, pointing out that even the CIA > has a home page. And a "CIA for kids page" too. True story: One of my neighbors is a very nice lady who is very, very, very new to computers and is terrified of her computer. I keep trying to coax her into trying out her Web browser (she has AOL) and I've managed to open it up long enough to show her the Ty Corporation site, because she loves Beanie Babies. It's one of the only three Web sites she's ever seen. So I say that E! is even less skilled at this than anyone I know. > Eventually they flew in and asked random people > in Oakbrook, Illinois about it, and one person's errant directions > lead them to a Prostate Cancer Center. Wow, they just happened to > be misled into an ass joke! Sorry. It's too bad they didn't ask me for directions, like those two cars of drunken frat boys who demanded to know where Dick's Last Resort (a comedy club, if you could call it that, which appeals only to frat boys who aren't smart enough to figure out that it sounds just like a gay bar) and I pointed then in the wrong direction because, hey, I think I was doing them a favor in the long run. > Anyway, after the ass joke a groundskeeper at what looks like a gold course. I will leave your typo in because I like the idea that a course made out of solid gold would still need someone to mow it. "Oh no, the gold's growing too big! I'll have to cut it off and throw it away!" > How did they happen upon this guy? His directions led them to an empty > building with an empty parking lot. But as they left to commercial, > they replayed the groundskeeper's "clues" once more. Does this involve a spastic guy with an IQ of 3 who keeps asking the camera if we saw a CLOOOOOOOO while doodling in his Handy-Dandy Notebook that you can buy and wearing the green rugby shirt that you can buy and playing with the Colorforms that you can buy and installing the interactive CD-ROM that you can buy that Leah Verre owes me if she ever wants to see "Jabberwocky" again? Hmm, E! would probably work better on the "Blue's Clues" model. "Do you see a STAAAAR? Where's the BIG STAAAAAAR? Is she under this throw rug?" (offscreen toddlers yell "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" while a cardboard cutout of a fluorescent dog snickers) > They should ask the IRS where these guys are. I wonder how long it'll > take journalists to find them when there are fraud allegations or safety > issues, as I know there will be with next year's Explodey Elephant and > Asbestos Antelope. Don't forget the new line of Put Me In Your Ears Beanie Babies. > They look kind of fun to collect, GAAAAAAAAAAAH! NICK JUST WENT OVER TO THE LAME SIDE OF THE FORCE!!!!! > but I can't imagine why this convention got more atendees and > floor space than World of Atari '98. Yeah, even though they're BOTH gatherings of our most important cultural movers and shakers! > I guess it's because you can't cuddle a video game. This is where Matt McIrvin should do his impression of the Strawberry Shortcake game for the Atari 2600. Especially the "FURB FURB FURB FURB" part. > Even though they had Ms. Pac-Man dolls there which are the approximate > size of a Beanie Baby, but I don't remember whether they were > stuffed with "beans". I should have bought one if, for no other > reason that my mother might have wanted one, and it cost less than > a tape with ten minutes of low-quality commercials on it, and would > have been free if I had bought a third T-shirt. But I guess the > classic video game market isn't very lucrative; there was a box > of FREE FREE FREE stuff over in the corner, including a Frogger > game on cassette written by one of the attendees. > > OH NO! They're dissecting a beanie baby and starting at the > CROTCH! The "surgeon" has a wide array of scissors to choose > from. And they didn't find any medical-grade heroin like they > expected for what the experiment's subject cost. So, Nick, what you're saying is that maybe, just maybe, E! realizes that the whole subject is so stupid that even E! is making fun of it? This blows my theory that all E! programming was created by accident when Buttons The Chimp was let loose in the room where they have the machine that makes TV. -- K. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE REFERENCE TO THE LATE TED BESSEL! AND HIS FUNCTION! AND THE BESSELMER PROCESS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Rant about Beanie Banies. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 17:40:01 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Darla (darla4695@sprynet.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > [re Beanie Baby collectors] > > > > they [...] look like normal people. They're not particularly fat [...] > > > Damn you and your Banies for all time, Nickie. DAMN YOU. > > Darla > --- wandering off mumbling around a mouth full of mini-pizza-bagels. Now, see, Darla, here's the problem. If you didn't tell us that you were filled with pizza bagels, we wouldn't know in what particular way you were fat. You'd just be fat in no particular way, and then skinny Nick wouldn't be able to ever make fun of you again. Also, I'd like to add that we should no longer be prejudiced against fatsos because, within the past week, Archimedes Plutonium has invented the idea of surgical stomach reduction, so nobody will ever be fat again, and has invented the idea of dying everyone random colors, so that we'll never be prejudiced again. (Proof that he has never read (a) anything talking about medicine or (b) any Dr. Seuss books.) Anyway, I think Nick should apologize to you for insinuating that you might collect Beanie Babies because you're particularly fat. That was a low blow. Fat people are every bit as normal as people who are of normal weight, unless they collect Beanie Babies. So, Nick, for being mean to Darla and calling her a fat nerd and stuff, I'm gonna punish you by making you eat some of those rice cakes fat people eat. That'll be a lesson you won't soon forget! -- K. I think this newsgroup needs HUGS ALL AROUND!!! And when we hug around the newsgroup, we hug AROUND the newsgroup!!! P.S. On the Internet nobody knows you're fat. Until Nick calls you fat. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-winston From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Your Not Sick Your Just In ----. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 17:14:54 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > [...] > > (JW A person once told me that i was a person who really knew where > it's at, but now I appear to have forgotten where I put it.) I have the reverse problem: People keep telling me where to put it. > [...] > > JW You sound a little like the person who prayed, "Lord I want > patience and I want it right now." If C. S. Lewis had written the screenplay of "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" I'm sure that would have been a song lyric. > Maybe the following information will help you out a little. > > ....... > (JW Caution. This contains channeled material.) I would just like to take this opportunity to disclaim: All the messages I have ever posted contain channeled material. > [...] > > Do you ever get the idea that someone is out to getcha? > > I've heard it said that death is natures way of recycling people. > That used to be a joke. > > If it weren't for serious it would be funny. > > Just remember that when things get bad, that you volunteered for > this gig. I am now imagining Jack Webb hosting "In Search Of" and reading that off a TelePrompTer. -- K. And, in "Star Trek" reruns, him as Mr. Spock. P.S. I miss Jack Webb. He had a knack for making things that were meant to be serious really funny, and vice versa. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.technology,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: STOMACH OPERATION EFFICIENT DIETING, patent pending Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 17:28:23 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med and sci.bio.technology, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I have 1 full year from today 9APR99, to file patent > STOMACH OPERATION EFFICIENT DIETING on or before 9APR2000 > > I recently am down to 59kg on a permanent basis. I feel better than > when I was 61-65kg. The part of my daily exercise regimen where I feel > the weight the worst is in pull-ups. I used to do 10 pull-ups real > easily. And every kg feels heavily on me whenever I do pull-ups. It is > as though I need no accurate weighing scales but can judge for myself > how many kg I weigh by simply doing pull-ups. If I can do 10 pull-ups I > am 58kg or below. Maybe you should patent this. You could make a fortune off the "You don't need a scale" method. That way, anyone could buy your little pamphlet explaining, "If you can do ten pull-ups, it means that you weigh 58 kilograms! And are the King of Science." > But one thought occurred to me now that I am leveled out at 59kg. In > that my stomach feels shrunk. So if you're "leveled out" and your stomach is shrinking, please don't tell me which part of you is getting bigger. > So, I think there is a connection between an extended stomach and > appetite and the desire to eat more. When you regularly eat too much, > you bloat your stomach and it becomes extended. > This extension fuels your appetite desires to maintain a fat stomach > and you eat more than you need. Thus, to diet effectively, one needs to > get the stomach under control and to make it smaller. > > So, I propose that the truly effective means of weight control and > diet is to operate on the stomach and to remove say 1/2 of the stomach > for clinically obese persons. And for those that are not obese but just > want to stay trim, to remove say a 1/4 of the stomach. Um, Archie... This has already been invented, and is done quite often. As you would know if you read any scientific journals such as The National Enquirer. Usually they don't remove it, they just staple it. Because, you see, proper diet involves the consumption of staples. > And another variant of the operation is to surgically remove the fat > uptake of the stomach and force the fat out as excrement waste. Which part of the stomach is the "fat uptake"? Is that next to the part that makes green poop when you drink purple Kool-Aid? > This is making the stomach a natural worm, I'm so sick of those artificial worms that scientists are always inventing! > where the stomach is altered that it does not utilize the food entering > it but decomposes and excretes as waste. Better yet, just cut out the middleman! Eat poop! Oh, wait, you've tried that. [excerpt from "Ludwig Plutonium, The Chosen One" (1994), page 3:] -> -> A TRIBUTE TO MY MOTHER, JOHANNA POEHLMANN: I remember vivid scenes of -> my past with my mother, the first recollection of my mother, and the -> first conscious recollection that I was alive was in the crib, I was -> hungry and wanted something to eat and so I was eating this soft stuff -> and I could hear my mothers voice differently, a harsh tone now, and I -> saw her arms flinging around and she was making a fuss and later in my -> youth I asked her about this scene and she confirmed to me that I had -> eaten my own poop. -- K. I have now reposted that choice quote almost as many times as I have not eaten poop. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Are You Hungary Tonight? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 10 Apr 1999 17:43:20 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Darla (darla4695@sprynet.com) wrote: > > Do they still make "Chunky" bars? They were/are a 2 inch foil-wrapped > trapezoidal block, made of almost impenetrable chocolate with imbedded > insect parts they listed as "raisins" in the ingredients disclosure. > MmmMmm good! I bought some chocolate-covered ants the other day, but they were contaminated with Rice Krispies. Man! The nerve of some people! > Darla > --- longing for one tonight. I have some chocolate mushrooms from Japan here. Bamboo shoots, too. Good for putting under your fingernails if you lick the chocolate off first. IN JAPAN, PRISONERS OF WAR HAVE TO LICK THE CHOCOLATE OFF THE INSTRUMENTS OF THEIR OWN TORTURE!!! -- K. Also I'd like to mention that although I dislike lobster more than I dislike shrimp, I like La Choy lobster egg rolls better than the shrimp ones because they have much less flavor because shrimp are cheap enough to include in macroscopic amounts. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Are You Hungary Tonight? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 06:09:49 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > [...] than the shrimp ones because they have much less flavor > > because shrimp are cheap enough to include in macroscopic amounts. > > > Mmmm, homeopathic shrimp. No, I said MACROscopic, you wacky sidekick and/or space cadet who says "Jeepers!" at every turn, you. It's the LOBSTER egg rolls that I said I liked because they contained lobster that could only be detected by gas chromatography. The SHRIMP ones I didn't like because they actually had ingredients in them. Also, if La Choy's seafood-like egg rolls are homeopathic, I'll have to avoid eating any Campbell's beef soup or I'll turn into a cow. -- K. Then there are those cans of fruit salad that always contain exactly 0.5 cherry... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: CHAPTER 2: NINJA LOAF Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 06:15:53 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > P.S. Someone please give me a late birthday present by writing a > screenplay about what happens when The Swedish Chef switches jobs with > Doctor Ruth for 24 hours. I just want to know why nobody else has ever proposed that the two of them switch jobs with Jerry Lewis for 24 hours during his boring 24-hour telethon. I mean, a spastic puppet and a sex-crazed little old lady would be a lot less tedious like Jerry Lewis, who only THINKS he's spastic. -- K. Also, you forgot to mention the subplot where The Swedish Chef is trapped inside Mr. Spock's Space Viewmaster on the bridge and he tries to get Spock's attention by shouting "BORK! BORK! BORK!" but nobody pays any attention because Kirk is making out with Spock because the censors wouldn't let Kirk kiss Uhura on TV because the sixties got even more screwed up after Dr. Bunsen Honeydew invented a time machine powered by Dr. Ruth's accent. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: CHAPTER 0: TSOP TUO NRUB Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Mon, 12 Apr 1999 06:27:08 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! OH NO!!! > > My name is Stephen Will Tanner. Some of you remember me. Some of you > think I sound familiar. And some of you are deciding right now > whether I'm a bozo. HEY EVERYONE THE BOZO'S BACK!!! > I used to post here. In fact, I used to read every post here. And > after much cogitation, I've realized that there's nowhere on the Net > that I'd rather waste my time than on alt.religion.kibology. I still > have a gut feeling that Kibology is important, and maybe if I were > Marshall McLuhan (as opposed to a hacker-ish quasi-intellectual who > drops names like "Marshall McLuhan") I would know why. Eh, Marshall McLuhan didn't know anything about his own theories. Now, the guy who decides which wacky sound effects need to be dubbed in over which crotch injury on "America's Funniest Home Videos" to make them funny funny funny, now, HE has made it clear to me what true intellectualism is: ...anything other than wacky crotch noises. > But be that as it may, ark is damn good times. Just thinking of the > Pants war brings a tear to my eye. Please, nobody tell Stephen about what happened last month or his eyeballs will propel his Kleenex away from him with enough velocity to slice a hundred-year-old Dunkin' Donuts brand bagel from 7-Eleven. > I stopped posting to ark because I wanted to avoid any distraction > from doing Big Important Exciting Things Out In That Crazy World. Hey, we were just talking about you today and where you were and stuff. But now that you're back we can stop talking about you! YAY! > At some point, it dawned on me that I would be just as productive and > less neurotic if I rejoined this strange polyphonic beable-fest. COME > ON, BABY, WRITING STORIES ABOUT THE THREE STOOGES MAKING AN ACTION > MOVIE IS THERAPUTIC! Especially if you write a story about how they make an action movie where THEY KILL EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE THE IDEA OF YOU WRITING THAT STORY!!! Heck, I'd pay a dollar to see that story on the big screen. Especially if it was in a good typeface. > For the past while, I sometimes wrote kibologish stuff in my > SUPER-SEKRIT JOURNAL anyway when I got the urge to smartass, and I'll > be posting backspew from it shortly. For now, I give you these > campaign promises: > > 1) I will make a greater proportion of jokes that someone other than > me might laugh at. (So, expect fewer callbacks to the K-R-A-P radio > show I made when I was 12) But I like the ones that only you find funny. > 2) I will not log on to Dejanews ten times a day to see if someone > followed up to one of my articles. (Perhaps I will write a cronjob to > do it for me) Why not upgrade to the commercial version of Agent and create a filter which highlights articles whose "References:" contains "xmission" instead of using the same cruddy Web service that Archimedes Plutonium uses? > 3) I will put up a webpage. Someday before I die, I will put up a > webpage. (And it will have a graphic somewhere on it, too!) I think you should put Bill Cosby on your picture pages. Just crush him up into a little ball and shove him into the computer's slot. That's the easiest way to get him in there if you don't own a Bill Cosby scanner. Those cost a lot because, let's face it, not many people want one. -- K. Then lap-dissolve to Slim Goodbody dancing around in his longjohns with giant syphilis spirochetes painted all over them. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: CHAPTER 0: TSOP TUO NRUB Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 05:22:42 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > > > > > But be that as it may, ark is damn good times. Just thinking of the > > > Pants war brings a tear to my eye. > > > > Please, nobody tell Stephen about what happened last month or his > > eyeballs will propel his Kleenex away from him with enough velocity > > to slice a hundred-year-old Dunkin' Donuts brand bagel from 7-Eleven. > > (SFX: GIANT DISPOSABLE NAPKIN) > > (SFX: CONTEXT-AWAY WOOSHING [1]) > > > Then lap-dissolve to Slim Goodbody [...] > > Oh no! Slim Goodbody's lap dissolved! Except the part where we see his > decending colon terminating directly above his crotch! WAAAH! Oh no! You got your Lemon-Scented Lap-Dissolve[2] in my Kontext-Away[3]! It released a cloud of toxic chlorofluorocarbons, causing a chain of CF polymers to form in your footnote! > [1] E.L. Doctorow, "Text, Context, Antitext, and Text-Away", Journal > of Postmodernism ((((((cf.)cf.)cf.)cf.)cf.)cf.) [2] Matt McIrvin claims I invented Lemon-Scented Lap-Dissolve. I don't remember the lemon-scented part, but the following post from 1998 proves that I made up the term "Lap-Dissolve", which has now been widely adopted by the digital video industry even though it is obviously meaningless. Anyway, the phrase "your Lemon-Scented Lap-Dissolve" should read "Kibo's Unscented Lap-Dissolve". [3] Another Kibo invention, which I mistyped as "Kontest-Away" before I fixed it because I didn't want to accidentally start a contest about how to make it not be a contest. Then I'd have to give out a negative number of prizes, and you people would hate having to pay for them. --- woop woop woop -- RE-RUN -- woop woop woop -- RE-RUN -- woop woop woop --- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A Brief Commercial Message. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 08:49:15 GMT THOSE blue stains on your dentures will take FOREVER to remove! [LAP-DISSOLVE] Wow, those dentures are perfect! UH-OH, looks like the house needs painting AGAIN! [LAP-DISSOLVE] What a swell new paint job! But won't that turkey take HOURS to cook? [LAP-DISSOLVE] What a perfect bird! Busy TV and movie star Majel Barrett, how did you have time to sanitize your dentures, paint the house, and cook your turkey? "I used new LAP-DISSOLVE from Grass Valley! It's from the makers of JUMP CUT WITH DING! Just watch how new LAP-DISSOLVE deals with these unruly kids!" [LAP-DISSOLVE] Wow, no more problem kids! The house is empty! "You betcha. New LAP-DISSOLVE can also make time pass in an instant!" [LAP-DISSOLVE] --IN FALLOUT SHELTERS! WE WILL NOW GO OFF THE AIR. TUNE TO YOUR CONELRAD STATION FOR UPDATES FROM THE WAR DEPARTMENT. [NUCLEAR EXPLOSION WITH DING] -- K. I had Nuclear Explosion With Ding in a Chinese restaurant once. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: CHAPTER 0: TSOP TUO NRUB Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 05:13:26 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now, the guy who decides which wacky sound effects need to be dubbed in > > over which crotch injury on "America's Funniest Home Videos" to make > > them funny funny funny, now, HE has made it clear to me what true > > intellectualism is: ...anything other than wacky crotch noises. > > That means I'll never be a REAL intellectual, since my crotch makes > wacky noises. Are they happy wacky noises or sad wacky noises? 'Cause sad clown noises aren't funny any more. Not since Bozo got his crotch caught in that lathe. > Me: So here, we see Tartakovsky making use of water imagery again, > this time in the form of snow. The meaning, which seems enigmatic at > first glance... > My crotch: Meep meep! Ding! Zoooooom! Woggawooggawooggachoo choooo! > Cute intellectual chyk: Pardon me, but I...er...believe I need to > watch Teletubbies. > Me: Waaaahhh! She really hates me now! Did you at least get to the part of "Solaris" where Genndy Tartakovsky spends a solid hour driving through the stargate from "2001" in a Toyota? And what about the part where he drives to Grand Central Station? There was nothing anything like Grand Central Station in "2001"! Also, my favorite Teletubby is Clindar. > Next year, someone will study wacky crotch noises. Through a magnifying glass. In bright sunlight. IT BURNS IT BURNS IT BURNS AND GOES BOINGGGG!!!! > They'll make an exhaustive survey of what impact causes what noise. > It'll be like phrenology, only the diagrams will be unprintable, Meanwhile, Stanislaw Lem falls asleep during Genndy Tartakovsky's "Solaris" and dreams he's doodled a diagram, in India ink, of robot phrenology: +-------------------------------------+ | | | | acquisitiveness | sloth | | |-------------| |-----------------------| I have dis- | | spastic colon | covered a | |-----------------------| truly ele- | | spastic semicolon | gant proof | | | of Fermat's | +-------------------------------------+ ...but while he's trying to read the infinitely long sentence at the bottom right, in which every letter is exactly a tenth the size of the previous one, he remembers that you can't read in dreams, and he wakes up screaming, ruining the movie for the guy in the seat next to him, Baird Searles. > so no one will beable to comprehend it, so universities will be forced to > use it as a WEEDER COURSE! It's the TWICE-A-WEEKER WEENER WEEDER COURSE! I think that your weeder course should be cross-bred with feeder guppies to produce a course where all the freshmen in it get fed to pet piranhas. Also, I should warn you that I have recently discovered a new spelling of weenie. We know about "weiner", "wiener", "weinie", "wienie", "weener", and "weenee", as in "Beanee Weenee". Well, I bought a happy little sixty-nine cent can of Beanee Weenee at K-Mart -- the only place in this area where you can get that misspelled treat-like surprise -- and the receipt said I had actually bought a can of BEANIE WEENE ...and I know they didn't just run out of columns because the other items were longer. In other words, K-Mart sincerely believe that "WEENE" is the correct way to spell "WEENEE", which proves that they're bigger weenerbranes than I thought. Also, Beanee Weenee now has CHICKEN frankfurter bits in it, which ruins it for me. I've read on the Web that Sam Yang ramen comes in a variety with a little packet of dehydrated cocktail weenies, but none of my local