Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: New emissions test machines burn drivers
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 04:45:51 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
I would just like to say that we need to find a term for this phenomenon
I have observed in which seemingly important articles never live up to
the promise of their "Subject:" headers.
> Subject: New emissions test machines burn drivers
>
> NEW YORK, April 12 (UPI) -- New York City drivers say they are being
> burned by new regulations in the state's auto emissions tests.
> The Daily News reports drivers are being forced to range far and wide
> to find inspection sites because the number of service stations that do
> the inspections has dropped by 1,000 in the metropolitan area.
> When drivers find a station, they are reportedly being forced to wait
> for days without their cars because of breakdowns of newly required
> expensive high-tech testing equipment.
Now, see, this here's how the article should have been written, in proper
wire-service Tipsy Inverted Pyramid style:
Subject: New emissions test machines burn drivers
NEW YORK, April 12 (K) -- "Yaaaaaaagh!" screamed John Smith, 47, as
scientists in silver reflective suits shoved him into the blast furnace
to see whether his car would generate less pollution after his death.
This hypothesis was proven correct in Smith's case, as his car's only
keys were in his pocket. Studies have shown that this correlation also
holds in cases where a driver's will has specified that they should be
buried in their car. Other types of drivers who have been killed in these
tests have not caused a reduction in pollution, but the scientists say
more tests need to be done, because "Because!"
Scientists are people who study things.
-- K.
This fantasy is why I don't drive.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: New emissions test machines burn drivers
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 07:07:09 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Scientists are people who study things.
>
> This is what made this post a genuine Kibo post.
I love reading the articles right off the wire-service because the newspapers
never print the very bottom of the inverted pyramid, but it's that line at
the end that always contains the crown jewel in the heart of the tip of the
delicious pyramid.
Every properly-written wire-service article must end with a sentence such as:
Dr. Hawking has a college degree.
Abraham Lincoln died over 100 years ago.
About half of all people are women.
Television has been in color since 1966.
There are four Teletubbies.
There are no plans to build a bridge to the Moon.
...and of those will work at the end of any article about technology,
fashion, or politics. For best results, the article should begin with
a "non-event" headline along the lines of:
NO BRIDGE TO MOON PLANNED
ABRAHAM LINCOLN STILL DEAD
NOT EVERYONE IS A WOMAN
...although you must be sure not to use those with the matching
final lines or you'll lose points that count towards your Pulitzer.
Lee Bumgarner will back me up on this. If he doesn't, I'll take away
any Pulitzers he may win in the future.
-- K.
I like how the name "Pulitzer Prize"
sounds like something made up
by Siegel & Schuster.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: CHAPTER 0: TSOP TUO NRUB
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 05:13:26 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Now, the guy who decides which wacky sound effects need to be dubbed in
> > over which crotch injury on "America's Funniest Home Videos" to make
> > them funny funny funny, now, HE has made it clear to me what true
> > intellectualism is: ...anything other than wacky crotch noises.
>
> That means I'll never be a REAL intellectual, since my crotch makes
> wacky noises.
Are they happy wacky noises or sad wacky noises? 'Cause sad clown noises
aren't funny any more. Not since Bozo got his crotch caught in that lathe.
> Me: So here, we see Tartakovsky making use of water imagery again,
> this time in the form of snow. The meaning, which seems enigmatic at
> first glance...
> My crotch: Meep meep! Ding! Zoooooom! Woggawooggawooggachoo choooo!
> Cute intellectual chyk: Pardon me, but I...er...believe I need to
> watch Teletubbies.
> Me: Waaaahhh! She really hates me now!
Did you at least get to the part of "Solaris" where Genndy Tartakovsky
spends a solid hour driving through the stargate from "2001" in a Toyota?
And what about the part where he drives to Grand Central Station? There
was nothing anything like Grand Central Station in "2001"!
Also, my favorite Teletubby is Clindar.
> Next year, someone will study wacky crotch noises.
Through a magnifying glass. In bright sunlight. IT BURNS IT BURNS IT
BURNS AND GOES BOINGGGG!!!!
> They'll make an exhaustive survey of what impact causes what noise.
> It'll be like phrenology, only the diagrams will be unprintable,
Meanwhile, Stanislaw Lem falls asleep during Genndy Tartakovsky's "Solaris"
and dreams he's doodled a diagram, in India ink, of robot phrenology:
+-------------------------------------+
| | |
| acquisitiveness | sloth |
| |-------------|
|-----------------------| I have dis- |
| spastic colon | covered a |
|-----------------------| truly ele- |
| spastic semicolon | gant proof |
| | of Fermat's |
+-------------------------------------+
...but while he's trying to read the infinitely long sentence at the bottom
right, in which every letter is exactly a tenth the size of the previous one,
he remembers that you can't read in dreams, and he wakes up screaming,
ruining the movie for the guy in the seat next to him, Baird Searles.
> so no one will beable to comprehend it, so universities will be forced to
> use it as a WEEDER COURSE! It's the TWICE-A-WEEKER WEENER WEEDER COURSE!
I think that your weeder course should be cross-bred with feeder guppies
to produce a course where all the freshmen in it get fed to pet piranhas.
Also, I should warn you that I have recently discovered a new spelling of
weenie. We know about "weiner", "wiener", "weinie", "wienie", "weener",
and "weenee", as in "Beanee Weenee". Well, I bought a happy little sixty-nine
cent can of Beanee Weenee at K-Mart -- the only place in this area where you
can get that misspelled treat-like surprise -- and the receipt said I had
actually bought a can of
BEANIE WEENE
...and I know they didn't just run out of columns because the other items
were longer. In other words, K-Mart sincerely believe that "WEENE" is
the correct way to spell "WEENEE", which proves that they're bigger
weenerbranes than I thought. Also, Beanee Weenee now has CHICKEN frankfurter
bits in it, which ruins it for me.
I've read on the Web that Sam Yang ramen comes in a variety with a little
packet of dehydrated cocktail weenies, but none of my local Chinese/Japanese/
Korean grocery stores carry that kind. Waah! I want dried weenies!
> The subjects for these studies will be death-row criminals. Amnesty
> International will write a series of luridly-titled editorials in
> protest, but crime rates will drop sharply. Then Bob Saget will get
> canceled and come back on a variety show where...
>
> [a crack team of avant-garde musicians strike Bob's crotch with
> various objects, resulting in an approximation of the Ode to Joy]
>
> Bonk! Ding! Toink! Frap! Pow! Gramp! Wokka! Flizzm!
>
> Bob Saget: IIIITT'SSSS AAAA LLIIIIVVVIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGG!
My suggestion for a title:
CROTCH SHOTS 1999! PREMIERING IN SUMMER 2007!
> Of course, in Japan, it makes a wacky noise if you grab someone's
> breast. That doesn't happen in the US, except in that one Xena
> episode that's starting to get fuzzy from being rewound and
> slow-motioned too much. Of course, in Japan, to get the sound of
> stabbing someone, you squelch Jello in a sock and run the sound
> through some filters.
Don't forget that in England, when a Teletubby sits down, his or her butt
goes "PARP". Yes, folks, you read right, it's not "BEEP" or "HONK" but
"PARP". I know this because in the Teletubbies coloring book I've been
reading, there's a picture of Tinky Winky deciding to fall on his butt
on purpose (I'm just not smart enough to understand Teletubbies) and the
word "PARP" is printed right next to his butt.
At least, I hope the "PARP" came out of his butt for that reason and not
the other one.
> This gives me an idea:
>
> EVERYBODY SEND ME SOME COOL, MAD-SCIENTIST-OF-FOLEY IDEAS FOR CREATING
> SOUNDS, AND I WILL WORK THEM ALL INTO A FINE WORK OF LITERATURE JUST
> FOR YOUUUUUUUU!
Please stop making fun of how Dave Foley broke up the Teletubbies when
he refused to carry a purse any more.
> [...spray Kontext-Away liberally into your open skull to recreate the
> experience of the following quote from Stephen Will Tanner...]
>
> THE PARKING LOT IS FILLED WITH MICHAEL JORDAN HEADS!
GUY DRESSED AS NAPOLEON, WITH HIS FEET IN A WASHTUB FULL OF CEMENT:
"Looooook! The pennnnnntagonnnnn is full of disembodied heads that
play basketball!"
MATT McIRVIN, BLEEDING FROM WHERE HIS ARMS USED TO BE BEFORE THEY WERE
KNOCKED OFF WHEN HE GOT HIT IN THE SHOULDERS WITH TWO BOWLING BALLS
THAT WENT "SPROINGGG!":
"Oh no! I would be unable to play basketball against Michael
Jordan's head even if I still had arms because he's a professional
basketball player and I'm only in this episode to say this sentence!"
MICHAEL JORDAN'S HEAD:
"Ha-ha-ha, that's right, Matt. Besides, lately, I've been spending
all my time playing basketball with my little friend Augie who
rides the little bus."
AUGIE:
"Michael, is it okay to ride the little bus?"
MICHAEL JORDAN'S HEAD:
"Yes, Augie, in America you can ride the little bus as often as you want!"
AUGIE:
"Oh boy! I'm gonna keep riding the little bus until I'm sixty!"
KIBO, STANDING IN A GIANT BLUEBERRY PIE WHILE WEARING A SPACESUIT,
WHICH IS ON UPSIDE DOWN:
"That's enough commercials, now back to The Special Show!"
(A HUNDRED IDENTICAL COMMERCIALS FOR TOOTSIE ROLL POPS FOLLOW.)
-- K.
[ special applause ]
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: CHAPTER 0: TSOP TUO NRUB
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 05:22:42 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > But be that as it may, ark is damn good times. Just thinking of the
> > > Pants war brings a tear to my eye.
> >
> > Please, nobody tell Stephen about what happened last month or his
> > eyeballs will propel his Kleenex away from him with enough velocity
> > to slice a hundred-year-old Dunkin' Donuts brand bagel from 7-Eleven.
>
> (SFX: GIANT DISPOSABLE NAPKIN)
>
> (SFX: CONTEXT-AWAY WOOSHING [1])
>
> > Then lap-dissolve to Slim Goodbody [...]
>
> Oh no! Slim Goodbody's lap dissolved! Except the part where we see his
> decending colon terminating directly above his crotch! WAAAH!
Oh no! You got your Lemon-Scented Lap-Dissolve[2] in my Kontext-Away[3]!
It released a cloud of toxic chlorofluorocarbons, causing a chain of CF
polymers to form in your footnote!
> [1] E.L. Doctorow, "Text, Context, Antitext, and Text-Away", Journal
> of Postmodernism ((((((cf.)cf.)cf.)cf.)cf.)cf.)
[2] Matt McIrvin claims I invented Lemon-Scented Lap-Dissolve. I don't
remember the lemon-scented part, but the following post from 1998 proves
that I made up the term "Lap-Dissolve", which has now been widely adopted
by the digital video industry even though it is obviously meaningless.
Anyway, the phrase "your Lemon-Scented Lap-Dissolve" should read
"Kibo's Unscented Lap-Dissolve".
[3] Another Kibo invention, which I mistyped as "Kontest-Away" before
I fixed it because I didn't want to accidentally start a contest about
how to make it not be a contest. Then I'd have to give out a negative
number of prizes, and you people would hate having to pay for them.
--- woop woop woop -- RE-RUN -- woop woop woop -- RE-RUN -- woop woop woop ---
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: A Brief Commercial Message.
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 08:49:15 GMT
THOSE blue stains on your dentures will take FOREVER to remove!
[LAP-DISSOLVE]
Wow, those dentures are perfect! UH-OH, looks like the house needs
painting AGAIN!
[LAP-DISSOLVE]
What a swell new paint job! But won't that turkey take HOURS to cook?
[LAP-DISSOLVE]
What a perfect bird! Busy TV and movie star Majel Barrett, how did you
have time to sanitize your dentures, paint the house, and cook your turkey?
"I used new LAP-DISSOLVE from Grass Valley! It's from the makers of
JUMP CUT WITH DING! Just watch how new LAP-DISSOLVE deals with these
unruly kids!"
[LAP-DISSOLVE]
Wow, no more problem kids! The house is empty!
"You betcha. New LAP-DISSOLVE can also make time pass in an instant!"
[LAP-DISSOLVE]
--IN FALLOUT SHELTERS! WE WILL NOW GO OFF THE AIR. TUNE TO YOUR CONELRAD
STATION FOR UPDATES FROM THE WAR DEPARTMENT.
[NUCLEAR EXPLOSION WITH DING]
-- K.
I had Nuclear Explosion With Ding
in a Chinese restaurant once.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: cute gods
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 05:48:06 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Ack! While attempting to gather source material to refer to in this
reply, I stepped on a big foam-rubber letter "W" that felt like a turtle.
TRUE STORY!
And, before I begin, I would like to assure you that the other stories
related below are SO INCONSEQUENTIAL THAT YOU BETTER BELIEVE THEY'RE TRUE!
"Melissa" (mg@minnmicro.com) wrote:
>
> The pet food store on Hiawatha Ave. is topped by a new billboard, which
> reads:
>
> Remember that "love thy neighbor" thing?
> I meant that.
> --God
What billboard company does God hire to promote His homilies?
I want to know so that I can pay them lots of money to promote my message that
money is evil and advertising is evil and I make poor business decisions.
> Right next to the pet food store is the totem-pole motel which is the
>
> P A R K W A Y
> P L A Z A
>
> by day and the
>
> A R K
> P A
>
> by night.
Speaking of A R K, everyone's favorite group, last night at a Chinese
restaurant I had Strange Flavored Chicken, which tasted lame, and they
gave me a fortune cookie which said
YOU ARE THE CENTER OF EVERY GROUP'S ATTENTION.
So keep lovin' me, because the throwaway dessert said so. You know it's
a good fortune cookie because the back of the fortune not only had my
lucky Lotto numbers printed on it but also had a banner ad for a Web site.
I am not making this up:
13 14 41 11 32 6
+--------------------------------------+
| Save a Fortune @ | www.camcorder.com |
+--------------------------------------+
...and, incidentally, their sleazerly Web site carries the following cute
bozo touch at the bottom:
Please DO NOT click in this red area, you may get lost. These are broken
links from our old website for previous customers to find us!
Huh?
> I am now more certain than ever that the cute dogs are watching me.
I'm sorry, that's wrong, because it doesn't allow me to segue into a
discussion of the chow mein noodles I bought earlier that day which had
directions in Spanish to "COCI NE ELFI DEO". Which, I believe, is
Latin for "Round bacteria aren't elves or God". And that ruined my whole
day because I think that God is microscopic and can be killed with Lysol.
(Also, I threw the noodles away 'cause there was a dead ant and a couple
of gnats shrink-wrapped inside the brick of noodle nests, so I can't tell
you if the COCI NE ELFI DEO noodles TAS TELI KEC RAP.)
-- K.
TOTI EHORS ESTO!
OWAH TAGOO SIAM!
SCOTT KIM'S NAME WRITTEN UPSIDE DOWN!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: sci.math,sci.physics,sci.physics.relativity,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: NUCLEAR EXPLOSION SAME AS HUMAN EXPLOSION
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 06:44:12 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
In five science newsgroups, Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote:
>
> Physicists, Chemists, Astronomers, will never understand the profound
> and basic reasons of various phenomena unless they accept that animate
> and inanimate objects share many attributes, properties and qualities
> at the most elemental and primary levels.
> For example a human being when provoked will explode, will deride,
> will taunt, jeer, scoff,scorn, mock and insult the one whose ideas or
> behavior provokes him. And the explosion will be the greater the more
> unstable is the person who considers itself to be provoked.
So all those old ladies who died of Spontaneous Human Combustion in
eastern Europe were insane? It's mean of you to call those nice old
exploding ladies crazy.
> The analogy is strikingly similar. A gun powder will explode when
> provoked by hitting it. Dynamite will explode when provoked by
> hitting it.
Prove it! Go punch some dynamite.
> Plutonium will explode when provoked by detonators (as in an atomic bomb).
Actually, he won't realize the detonator is making fun of him for the
first five years, THEN he'll explode.
> Deuterium will explode when provoked by an atomic detonator. And the
> explosion will be greater the more unstable is the state of the material
> which is being provoked ?
Then why doesn't Jell-O explode? You sure can't build a good skyscraper
out of it because it's unstable (and delicious.) So by your hypothesis,
Jell-O should be the deadliest substance in the universe! THE FACT THAT
HOSPITALS SERVE JELL-O DISPROVES YOUR THEORY!
> How can you explain (and not only observe and measure) without
> asking WHY ? And how can you explain without first explaining
> why people explode upon provocation. Right this minute I am
> almost sure that you are ready to deride, dismiss, scorn laugh at
> my ideas and have almost an anatomic explosion !!
The day that Alexander Abian remotely makes me ruin my underwear is the day
I'll buy the Brooklyn Bridge. Which will be made of Jell-O.
> If I ask you why do you deride, scorn, laugh and dismiss my ideas in a
> repulsive way - I am almost sure that YOU WILL HAVE SOME
> EXPLANATIONS, and you will not say "I cannot explain" on the
> contrary you will explain by saying that
...pardon me while I insert a line break here...
> I am insane and should be locked in an insane asylum
...and now I apologize for inserting that line break while sneakily
inserting another...
> - O, you will explain ! "You will give explanations and justification
> for YOUR RATIONAL EXPLANATION.
How can one explain an O? James Thurber couldn't. Shel Silverstein couldn't.
NOBODY KNOWS THE STORY OF O!
> AND THIS IS THE FIRST STEP for you to realize that it would also
> be possible to explain rationally the behavior of a provoked plutonium
So, your theory claims to explain rationally Archimedes Plutonium's behavior?
That's so wrong that it's not even worth Carl Sagan writing an 80-page
article about how obviously wrong it is like he did with Velikovsky's
"Jupiter is made out of flies and manna" theory.
> or provoked deuterium.
>
> With all their nonconvincing statements that "We do not ask WHY"
> we ask "HOW". The physicists constantly, constantly are asking WHY.
> Open any book of physics and see how many times you will encounter
> "BECAUSE", "AS A LOGICAL CONSEQUENCE", "WE DEDUCE", etc But all these
> are tacitly in response to some WHY's.
>
> So, to understand the fundamental, reasons of physical phenomena
> at a molecular or Galactic levels, you must accept that
> basically they act provoked, motivated , etc, by the same
> items that a human being is provoked or motivated.
> I am sure that you can rationally explain your repulsion upon your
> reading my lines, so think deeper and explain the reasons of your
> explosion and apply them to explain explosions of deuterium and tritium.
>
> Please observe ALL OF THE ABOVE EXAMPLES react to PROVOCATIONS of
> hitting them, bugging them by a hammer or by a conventional explosives
> by a nuclear detonator. They explode just as a human being
> explodes upon provocation. But you can explain the reasons of your
> explosion upon being provoked - then try to apply your logic to Physics.
Tell you what. When you personally knock down several hundred buildings
after I hit you with this hammer, then I'll believe your theory.
-- K.
What happens when a misunderstood
force meets a nonsensical object?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.technology,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: STOMACH OPERATION EFFICIENT DIETING, patent pending
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 06:57:42 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
In sci.med, sci.bio.technology, and sci.physics,
Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> I am already stretched thin with my numerous theories.
Oh dear. After his disastrous experiment with WonkaVision, Archimedes Wonka
had the Pluto-Loompas take him to the taffy-pulling room!
> [...]
>
> Or, can humanity say progress to the point where it can drink gasoline
> and say run a marathon faster than a automobile, or something outlandish.
Silly Archie! Everyone knows an automobile would get disqualified from
the marathon! The human would always win!
> Reminds me of some sci.fi movie where the alien lived on gasoline.
I haven't seen that one, but I'm guessing the ending somehow involved
the stupid teenagers, ninety minutes later, thinking of throwing a match
at it. After stripping down to their underwear.
> Or, to the extreme, can we have a digestive system that can make use
> of a pellet of uranium or plutonium, like a battery and be able to fly
> like a rocket?
Eww.
Archimedes Plutonium-inspired rock band name #16:
ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM'S NUCLEAR FARTS
> Seems almost impossible to imagine us transitioning into such
> digestive systems. But there are some lifeforms that live off of inert
> matter such as rocks. They eat rocks for a living.
And I'm sure that they prefer rocks to pizza for some perfectly sensible
reason other than that lichen is too stupid to invent pizza.
> I am not interested in any practical outcome of the above for it is
> so far into the future that it is almost worthless to worry about it.
And besides rocks are in short supply, we will need to wait decades before
science solves the food supply problem by inventing artificial rocks.
Oh, wait, supermarkets already sell pre-cooked falafel. Never mind.
> [...]
>
> So, I may pursue this thread for its theoretical value. The questions
> are: Is the digestive system the last system that can be altered
> drastically? And if so, is it because that is the bridge between
> turning humanity into physics robots?
In other words, your theory says that farts are all that separate normal
people from physicists?
I'll have you know that physicists fart no less, and no more, than normal
people. And I'll thank you to stop saying "fart" in the science newsgroups.
-- K.
Now we know why he's called Archie PU.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Evil weirdness in the Comicbook/Tampon aisle
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 07:10:53 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote:
>
> My grocery store puts the comic books and tampons in the same aisle.
That's because they're both for girls.
> Anyway, when I went there today I encountered a disturbing scene.
> There was a young girl sitting in front of the comics. She was on a stool. On
> her lap was what looked like the electronic device that UPS people have. Over
> that were about five of six sheets of paper. Over the girl's shoulder was an
> older woman. Every few seconds she would say what sounded like a spanish word
> and the girl would write on the paper. Standing near them was a teenaged girl.
>
> Please, for the love of all that is holy, WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THIS
> MEANS??!?!?!?!?!?!
They were taking inventory. You know, Step 7 of Alchoholics Anonymous.
-- K.
But why was the older woman levitating?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: It's not a supermarket.
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 07:16:49 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> [excerpts from a heart-tugging tale of her social studies students who
> couldn't find the earth on a map of the world]
>
> It didn't happen in a supermarket, but it was still pretty funny. Who
> knew you could find humor outside of the pasteurized processed cheez-food
> aisle?
Inside the pasteurized cheez-food aisle it's too gloppy to... aw, hell with it.
> [...]
>
> The best part, the part that gave me a cerebral edema,
You misspelled aw hell with it. Hope this beable beable.
Stacia, please teach alt.religion.kibology some new catchphrases so I don't
have to.
> [...]
>
> Also, it was "Para Appreciation Week", so people gave me stuff. I got
> magnets, chocolate, flowers, and rhubarb jam.
Maybe someday you'll become a fully-qualified mecium!
-- K.
I did NOT misspell meconium.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: And tangy blueberry topping in the middle
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 07:28:18 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Inflatable Pinata (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote:
>
> Or so IHOP advertises.
What I find amusing about this is that they're using the word "tangy"
without realizing it implies that their topping tastes like a bunch of
chemicals that astronauts were forced to drink shortly before they were
almost forced to drink their own urine on Apollo 13.
> Strawberry bottom on the top, and a side bosenberries.
No, see, they mean "topping" as in "BDSM-related dominatrix-on-submale action,
have own equipment, enjoy painful electrical CBT, no weirdos."
In other words, their pancakes have tiny tangy dominatrixes (dressed in
blueberry plastic outfits made from old iMacs) spanking business executives
(on their lunch hour) in the middle between the flap and the jack, and
all COVERED WITH 200 TONS OF COSMETIC LAVA!!!
You know, I wish Alexander Abian hadn't caught on that we found his
NEWTON IS COVERED WITH 200 TONS OF COSMETIC LAVA!!! rants funny. Because
now I don't giggle quite as much whenever I go to IHOP and order a
blueberry Fig Newton covered with 200 tons of cosmetic lava and a flaky
inner crust surrounded by the hot outer core and served with giant shrimp.
-- K.
Apple should merge with IHOP
to make iHOP.
"iHOP is dOH! uspide down!"
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Strawberry spacing gets the boot
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 1999 10:04:16 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
In a news story, Christopher Andreae wrote:
>
> Subject: Strawberry spacing gets the boot
Strawberry Spacing... weren't they the guys who sang the "Brady Bunch"
theme song before the kids took over in the second season?
> How can anyone think simultaneously of strawberries - oh, that
> sweet, succulent collapse between tongue and teeth! - and geometry?
OH NO THE PART OF MY MOUTH BETWEEN MY TONGUE AND MY TEETH JUST COLLAPSED!!!
"Shop at Trader Joe's. Our strawberries are ready to collapse!"
> That word parches my memory as incisive propositions in regimented
> classrooms, as chalk diagrams, and as mute protest. How could I
> envisage a future use for the square of the hypotenuse? And why was I
> forced to memorize stuff like furlongs, rods, roods, chains, perches,
> and poles?
Hey, how many poles does it take to screw in Eddie Furlong?
I WISH I HADN'T SAID THAT.
> Now that I have a vegetable plot, geometry is once again rearing
> its head. But today I know its literal meaning: ``measuring the
> earth.'' And I don't feel the same distaste.
New Collapsing Strawberries, With A Displeasingly Disdelicious Distaste!
> It's still tricky, though. I haven't made things easy for myself,
> admittedly, by setting out diagonal paths and triangular beds (I do
> have reasons for this other than cussedness). But now I don't know how
> to plant them. Parallel rows do not seem to work.
RIEMANNIAN STRAWBERRIES SIGHTED, FILM LOOP AT LESS THAN 180 DEGREES PAST 11.
> Take my strawberries, for example. Most of my gardening books
> insist strawberries should be planted at least 15 inches apart (some
> say 18) with 2-1/2 or even 3-1/2 feet between the rows. But if I were
> to adhere to such measurements, my strawberry triangle would take no
> more than about six plants.
CURSES, I AM LOST IN THE STRAWBERRY TRIANGLE!!!
And if that sentence isn't silly enough, try saying it with a wacky
French comedic stereotype accent:
CURSAIZ, JE SWEEZ LOST EN LA SUH-TRAW-BAI-RAY TRA-YAING-EL!!!!!
Ha! I have made triangular strawberries seem silly!
> It is hard to find an expert who is relaxed about strawberry
> spacing.
That's my campaign platform. KIBO FOR PRESIDENT IN 2000: BECAUSE KIBO
IS RELAXED ABOUT STRAWBERRY SPACING. DO YOU WANT REPUBLICANS TO SPACE
YOUR STRAWBERRIES?
> One book does, however, suggest four rows with 15 inches
> between the plants on all sides. And this, appealingly, would produce
> ``an old-fashioned strawberry bed,'' the author points out.
> What about the plot gardeners? My neighbor Red, though no proponent
> of books, unhesitatingly reiterates 18 inches between plants. ``Best
> to give 'em space.''
> Jimmy Hughes's answer was: ``I don't bother with them anymore. They
> turn too easily into a weed-patch.''
> Neil reckoned his, last year, were one foot apart. This sounds more
boring
> like it, I thought. But when he added that he wasn't sure he'd grow
boring
> strawberries again this year, I became a bit suspicious of his spacing
and his boring
> advice. Strawberries are perennials. Had he thrown his away, or what?
> John and Cathy Macleod's strawberries grow in a well-tended square.
> You can't tell how far apart they were originally placed. They have
> grown close together over the years into a tatty but close-knit mat.
> The Macleod plot overall betrays a cogent appreciation for things
> geometrical, yet they also know rules are for bending and breaking.
> Their ``old-fashioned strawberry bed'' is in its sixth or seventh
> year. The pundits preach renewal every three. Yet it fruited perfectly
> well last summer. John's attitude is ``if it ain't broken, why mend
> it?'' He just manures his strawberries generously each year.
WAAH! THE WIRE SERVICES ARE GIVING ME THE STRAWBERRY TREATMENT!!!
> Having weighed all the evidence, in the end I resorted to an
> instinctual concatenation of foot and eye - an approximate geometry,
> like scattering peppers on a pizza -
Oh, so THAT'S why my pizza always has both handprints and footprints
at Pizza Hut.
> when it came to planting my strawberries. Each plant is approximately
> a size-10 boot print from the next.
I guess I can never grow well-spaced strawberries because my feet are too big.
CURSES, I AM TOO MANLY TO GROW STRAWBERRIES!!!
> Once the deed was done, I came across a section in a book by Sylvia
> Landsberg that seemed apt. Her volume is called ``The Medieval
> Garden.'' She observes: ``The medieval gardener had a great degree of
> freedom in measuring, or not measuring, his plots.''
Nowadays the Umwelt government forces us to measure our plots constantly,
in metric AND base 12 at the same time!!!
> What he used to gauge his plantings were parts of the body: ``a
> foot, a step (of about 2-1/2 feet) and the same in forward reach. A
> hand-span ... gave a suitable distance for planting leeks, as it still
> does.''
> As it still does.
Fat Freddy says:
LEEKS SPILL!!!!
I would continue this, but Gilbert Shelton killed Philip K. Dick.
And the poster is torn and the strawberries are trapezoidal.
-- K.
Mmm, -zoidal.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.battlestar-galactica,alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Battlestar Galactica: The Motion Picture
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 06:55:07 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
I'm really psyched that there's going to be a cool Battlestar Galactica
movie soon. I wanted to know more, so I asked around a little. Here's
what everyone's saying:
* Battlestar Galactica: The Motion Picture will feature a fleet of all
six Battlestars from the original TV show: Galactica, Zima, Citroma,
Orbitz, Mentos, and Enterprise.
* The movie will be at least as faithful to the original Bible as the TV show.
* The budget is high enough that they will be able to restore the original
prints of the stock footage of space battles from the TV show before using
them again -- no more mistaking scratches on the film for extra Cylon lasers!
* The Cylons are now translucent white with Bondi Blue patches and
rounded corners. (Although I realize it is unusual to have a "product
placement" in a movie this expensive, I feel that Apple's involvement
goes a long way to making the Cylons into realistic robots.)
* They've hired Mark Hammill (the guy who plays the Joker on the "Batman"
TV show) to be the voice of the Imperious Leader! I'm glad his career
is finally taking off.
* Like the original series, Battlestar Galactica: The Motion Picture will
take place in and around Earth's galaxy. However, due to a weird time warp,
the year 1979 will have been immediately followed by 1981.
* Muffet will no longer be played by a chimp in a robot suit, as they
can afford to hire Billy Barty, known for his brilliant improvisation
on "Sigmund and the Sea Monsters".
* The movie will prominently feature BOTH Boxie and Troy.
* Richard Hatch will, of course, be returning to his original role as Starbuck.
-- K.
Please, no jokes about it being sponsored
by a chain of coffee shops.
Battlestar Galactica is serious, dammit!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Hippo Noses!
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 07:04:49 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Remember "To Tell The Truth", the game show from the fifties and sixties
and seventies and eighties where three people all pretended to be the
same person and the lame celebrity panelists (who were always Gene Rayburn,
Bill Cullen, Kitty Carlisle, and the other Kitty Carlisle) had to guess
who was the real one?
Well, I recently saw a rerun (from the 1970s, the era where the theme song's
lyrics were all "BA BA BAPPA BA, BA BA BAPPA BA...") where one of the three
people was a famous hypnotist.
Three of the celebrity panelists thought that guy #3 was the real hypnotist
(he was), the other celebrity thought it was #2, and nobody picked #1.
Why didn't impostor #1 fool anyone?
Because he kept saying "hippo-no-ties" and "hippo-noses". That's right,
he thought "hypnosis" had a secret extra syllable.
It reminded me of Homer Simpson insisting that Lisa plays a "sax-a-ma-phone"
except, of course, this bozo was pretending to be an expert. On hippo-noses.
So what I'd like to know is, what could I pretend to be an expert in that
would have a name that I could screw up in a funny way to confuse Kitty
Carlisle if I'm ever on that show?
"Yes, Kitty, I am a professional veterararian."
-- K.
I was going to say "Bend over
and say 'meow'," but that would
be sophomomoric.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Taxes Are For Kids!
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 07:16:25 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
I paid my taxes today. By handing the envelope to the woman in the fluorescent
orange vest standing in front of the sign saying "CAUTION: POSTAL WORKERS
COLLECTING TAX RETURNS AHEAD."
DANGER! DANGER! THEY MAY BE EVEN MORE DISGRUNTLED THAN THE TAXPAYERS!
THEY ARE ALREADY OUTFITTED IN ORANGE HUNTING VESTS!
Anyway, my state tax payment was...
$2.94.
Two dollars and ninety-four rotten cents. And no other cents.
Now, I would be perfectly happy not to pay any taxes, because then I could
buy a pet or something, and I would be perfectly happy to pay a little more,
because I did make some money last year and the government is entitled to
a cut of it for not beaming microwaves into my brain. But having to spend
so much time filling out that enormously complicated tax form (it had TWO
SIDES! There were SEVERAL pages of DETAILED, LINE-BY-LINE instructions!
It required me to look a number up in the TAX TABLE which was almost as hard
as actually multiplying it by 5.95%! I had to write "and ninety-four cents"
on my check in that really tiny little blank!) felt like a waste of time
just for $2.94. I would feel better if I either paid less or more.
But, anyway, I'm just glad that the Republicans are in charge of this
state (actually it's not a state, it's a Commonwealth, but that's kind of
the same thing unless you're a really fancy sort of guy) because the
state taxes are only 5.95%, and I'm sure the Democrats would want to
raise them a whole percent to 6%.
Also, I noticed that the hundreds of bozos at the post office were all
waiting in line to mail their envelopes through a real human clerk, while
nobody was using the stamp vending machines or the mail-drop slot across
the room. Near the eight TV camera crews filming the mayhem so that people
too lazy to go down to the post office to laugh at these bozos like I did
could laugh at these bozos, but not like I did. Anyway, I'm better than
those bozos because I bought my own stamps across the room. Then I went
outside and gave my envelopes to the potentially disgruntled woman in the
orange safety vest just to make her feel special.
Then I went to a supermarket that was selling Redolent Rice Glue Congee.
But that's another story. I can't talk any more, I've been taxed.
-- K.
Also, how come there's no
check box for "Filing Status:
Group Marriage"?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: tinky winky
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 07:27:49 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Gary Williams (gwms@spectra.net) wrote:
>
> Anybody notice the Teletubbies yesterday? Po and Tinky Winky are
> marching
> along with a flag (I was channel surfing and got to 46 THE PBS)
> and walked into -- well, tried to walk into -- the drainpipe tunnel
> into their dome, and the flag hit the roof and Po fell backwards and
> knocked down Tinky Winky. So Po sat on Tinky Winky's crotch
> and rocked back and forth and Tinky Winky bobbed up and down.
Gary,
No, you're the only one who noticed that at least one of the Teletubbies
might be a pervert. My vote's on the one played by that guy from "The Kids
In The Hall" (Dave Foley). I think he's the pink one.
Also, Toys R Us is selling Teletubbies ponchos ("Ages 2 to 4, one size fits
all" -- yeah, fits all MY ASS!) which are supposed to make your toddler
look like his or her favorite Teletubby -- they consist of a solid-color
poncho, with a light blue rectangle on the tummy, and a matching hood with
an inflatable (repeat: inflatable) Teletubby antenna on top. The photo of
the kid on the package of the Tinky Winky poncho shows a kid who is having
WAYYYYYY TOOOOO MUCH FUNNNNNNN being Tinky Winky for a day. Anyway, the
scary part is the most prominent word in the list of features:
U N I S E X
-- K.
Someday the whole world
will all be one sex!
Umwelt, unisex, and the
UN helicopters will unite
the world under the umbrella
and poncho of the New World
Order! YAHTZEE!!!!
P.S. Is it okay that I actually laughed when I saw that commercial where
Jerry Seinfeld throws a bunch of boxes of over-the-counter hemorrhoid
medications onto the counter at the drugstore and yells,"YAHTZEE!!!!"?
I'm sorry, I have many unhappy childhood memories of trying to entertain
myself by playing Yahtzee. IT'S JUST LIKE POKER ONLY WITHOUT ALL THAT
BETTING AND BLUFFING AND HARD STUFF!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Flying grocery stores
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 07:29:58 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote:
>
> You know what would be funny? To look up in the sky and see a grocery store
> hurtling through the air and food streaming out the doors.
CHEWED food. Now THAT'S funny. Because it's GROSS!
Then, an invisible person wearing clown makeup and bunny slippers would
sneak up behind you and slip a communion wafer down your pants.
-- K.
So, if funny things are that easy
to think of, why isn't TV funny?
TV usually isn't even gross!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Flying grocery stores
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Sat, 17 Apr 1999 03:15:39 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> [...doot doot doot...]
>
> OK, now I'm getting scared.
>
> I'M NOT GOING TO LOOK ANY FURTHER THAN MY OWN BACK YARD!!!!
With Kibology, your big back yard is within yourself.
Matt, I wuv the fact that you're not afraid to look at anything within
the range of those special light rays that come out of your eyes and
go only fifty feet before they stop, like when Mr. Data's evil twin
fired his phaser at that darn Wesley Crusher but they beamed the evil
twin robot into space right when he fired the phaser so the beam only
went halfway to Wesley's body, damn it! Matt, please go look at
Wesley Crusher just in case the things that come out of your eye are
phaser beams like that.
-- K.
I can't figure out how to work Bob Hope
into this article about Matt McIrvin
killing celebrities by looking at them.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Hey!
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 07:33:52 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
You know that top-secret Nike Alpha Project that Nike is going to unveil soon?
I THINK IT MIGHT BE A SHOE!!!
and, to make matters worse, at the Chinese grocery store I saw a box of
cookies with Mickey Mouse on the front...
MICKEY MOUSE HAS SOLD OUT!!!
And, hey, I just noticed...
ALL THREE OF THESE SENTENCES IN ALL CAPS ARE BLATANTLY OBVIOUS!!!
-- K.
I hope the new "Battlestar Galactica" movie
is at least half as good as the TV show!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Couple fined for sex on supermarket's dairy display
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 07:54:54 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
From clari.news.sex, the most important wire-service newsgroup:
> Subject: Couple fined for sex on supermarket's dairy display
"What's your position on sex on the dairy display?"
"Well, the sign said 'fine for sex here'..."
(A CHEAP BRITISH IMITATION OF THE ROCKETTES PARADES ACROSS THIS NEWS
STORY HOLDING UP TINY CARDS WITH TWEEZERS, BUT THERE ARE SO MANY OF
THE FAKE ROCKETTES THAT THE TINY CARDS SPELL OUT "WOMP WOMP!" IN
TEN-MILE-HIGH LETTERS, ONLY IN KILOMETERS BECAUSE WE'RE IN ENGLAND NOW.
THEN BENNY HILL CHASES KIBO TO THE HORIZON, WHERE HE EXPLODES.)
> LONDON, April 15 (AFP) - A British couple who had sex at 3 a.m.
> on a bed of margarine tubs, yoghurt, clotted cream and trifles in a
> refrigerated all-night supermarket's dairy display were fined 265
> pounds (425 dollars), the London Evening Standard reported
> Thursday.
What I was thinking today was, what if I went over to the salad bar
at the Stop & Shop and carefully stuck my head under the sneeze guard
and sneezed all over everything? Would they just kick me out and go back
to selling the contaminated lettuce? Would they at least drench the
exposed lettuce in Lysol? Or would they make me pay for everything on
the salad bar? What if I wanted everything on the salad bar? Wouldn't
that make them look really stupid? Also, where do they keep the giant-size
plastic clamshell cases for these emergencies where they have to sell
whole-salad-bar salads?
> A north London magistrate's court heard how Michael Pallant, a
> 36-year-old singer, and Danielle Minns, a 35-year-old reflexologist,
HOW HITTING YOU IN THE KNEE WITH A HAMMER CAN DETERMINE YOUR I.Q.
* If you say "Hey! That's not a patellar reflex hammer! It's a sharpened
pick-axe!", you are too smart to benefit from reflexology, and your money
will be cheerfully refunded if you promise not to report us to the authorities.
(I know that's not what reflexology REALLY is, but I had to make that up
because it's hard to make fun of reflexology because it's a REAL science
just like phrenology and Eckankar.)
> entered the branch of Sainsbury in north Kensington giggling and
> laughing on March 6.
> Minns jumped into a trolley and Pallant pushed her to a
> refrigerator.
I hope Mister Rogers was watching. He likes trolleys. And sex.
> A short while later a security guard heard muffled screams
> coming from the aisle, and found Pallant lying on Minns in the dairy
> display surrounded by crushed tubs of cream and margarine.
Fun fact: If you like Indian food *and* margarine, they have now completed
this analogy:
butter : margarine :: ghee : _________
Yes, you really can buy fake ghee made from whipped vegetable oil.
It's GHEE-TASTIC!
And if you don't like it, I'll ka-bong ya with mah ghee-tar!
> When the security guard demanded to know what they were doing,
> Pallant replied: "Chilling out."
OH NO! ENOUGH DANCING, WOMP-WOMP-ING FAKE ROCKETTES HAVE JUST WANDERED
INTO THIS ARTICLE TO MAKE IT HEAVY ENOUGH TO MAKE THE EARTH FALL OFF ITS
AXIS AND EXPLODE IN THE COLD, AIRLESS VACUUM OF SPACE WHERE NOBODY CAN
HEAR THEM YELLING "WOMP, WOMP, WA-WA!" AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS! THIS IS
THE GREATEST TRAGEDY IN HUMAN HISTORY! AND ALSO THE LAST! THE END!
THE WORLD ENDED NOT WITH A BANG NOR WHIMPER BUT A "WOMP WOMP"!
> The Standard said Pallant and Minns told the court that both had
> been very drunk at the time after Pallant had performed in a pub
> band earlier in the evening.
The first twelve times I read this, the word "band" was invisible, and it
made as much sense that way 'cause I have a dirty, dirty mind. Hee-hee!
> They pleaded guilty to damaging the dairy products and were
> fined 40 pounds (64 dollars) each, and ordered to pay 150 pounds
> compensation to Sainsbury and 35 pounds costs.
WHAT KIND OF SICK WORLD DO WE LIVE IN WHERE THIS IS ALLOWED TO HAPPEN --
MARGARINE CLASSIFIED AS A _DAIRY_ PRODUCT? IT'S A PETROLEUM PRODUCT!
I KNOW 'CAUSE IT MAKES MY CONDOMS FALL APART!
-- K.
THINKING ABOUT SEX MAKES ME
TALK IN CAPITAL LETTERS!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Couple fined for sex on supermarket's dairy display
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 06:30:17 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
KAZOWIE! NEW IMPROVED KONTEXT-AWAY IN ALL CAPS DOES THE MAGIC YOU LOVE!
Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote:
>
> David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
> >
> > So is that a stick of butter in your pocket, or are you just making
> > croissants in your underwear?
>
> Please, God, not chocolate croissants.
And also, please, God, kill the nurse if she gives me another M&M. Amen.
SWOOSH-A-ZOWIE! NEW CALLBACK-O-MATIC PUTS ON ITS HAT AND LEAVES AFTER
A JOB WELL DONE! THEN MR. FILLER BEGINS JUMPING UP AND DOWN! IN CAPITALS!
> --Terri
>
> --
> --
> Chocolate is for BABIES AND AZTECS. Now, garlic, that's a GROWN-UP
> FLAVOR. -- Kibo
I call this signature, with four pairs, for my Signature Poker hand!
-- K.
"Signature Poker" would be the result
of an unholy cross of Chuck Barris's
"People Poker" and that other show,
"Card Sharks", hosted by that bozo
who now has his own newsgroup.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: S*E*D*U*C*E WOMEN WITH P,H,E,R,O,M,O,N,E,S EASILY 831
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 08:03:37 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Someone with a fake address spammed:
>
>
> THE S-C-E-N-T
>
> P^H^E^R^O^M^O^N^E SEX A`T`T`R`A`C`T`A`N`T FOR MEN
>
> THE COLOGNE FOR THE 90'S MAN
>
> AVAILABLE IN THE U.S. AND PERFECTLY LEGAL
>
> A_T_T_R_A_C_T WOMEN INSTANTLY
>
> with Nature's secret weapon.... P^H^E^R^O^M^O^N^E^S...
Dear Manley_-_Hubbell,
You smell weird.
> It's invisible, odorless, and undetectable
SCIENCE CANNOT EVEN FIND IT IN THE EMPTY BOX WE SHIP IT IN!
> It's medical sciences and natures sexual
>
> secret weapon of pleasure.
THOSE DAMN SCIENTISTS KEEP ALL THE BEST SEX TOYS TO THEMSELVES!!!
> This is a perfectly
>
> legal sexual stimulant... cleverly masked in a
>
> man's cologne... that when unknowingly inhaled
>
> by any adult women unlocks all restraints and
>
> fires up the raw animal nature of A_T_T_R_A_C_Tion
>
> in every women
How come none of these ads for things that attracts women to men deals
with the issue of: HEY, YOU HOMOPHOBES, DON'T YOU THINK THIS STUFF WILL
ALSO MAKE GAY GUYS JUMP ON YOU IN THE PARKING LOT BEHIND SEARS?
> [...]
>
> Worth Reading!!
> voudpsrtddsirshspbforjzfpcrvtoorizhqiqlclgczmvnipmtkmsmxwxdyjvijjwmeicwpmm
> jdhehrrvrjiioexupcgpzozftudluxgtwupejkxcinroznsqljxfkyhviufdytuxwfzfmdhcwd
> cupshiyxxbffhrlgcodtewsmzslowtrgdnckrukytphyyrmikdenjppuddcjqzzbhbhfyybpbf
> [...]
Dear Manley_-_Hubbell 2000 X/A Now With More Mesquite,
You spelled "slowtrogdunkruckyuck" wrong.
Please spam more carefully next time.
Your pal,
A guy who doesn't wear stinky stupid placebo cologne because REAL men don't
try to attract women that way because REAL MEN DON'T WEAR COLOGNE!!!
-- K.
Also my ex-wife says she wouldn't sleep
with you even if I told her not to.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: sci.psychology.misc,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: new movie: SPIDER, FISHING, BIRDWATCHING, HOMOSEXUAL
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 08:12:43 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
In sci.psychology.misc and sci.bio.misc,
Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> Show scenes of colorful bird and of a birdwatcher. Show the
> juxtapositioning of a human as a bird.
>
> Segment 4
>
> Homosexuality is explained as having been the opposite sex in the
> immediately previous past lives, where a person was of the opposite
> sex for the past 3 in a row past lives and now in this life is of the
> opposite sex but still remembering in the mind as the former lives. So
> a man has the character of a women and a woman has the character of a
> man.
>
> In this segment show some typical social behaviour of homosexual
> personalities.
>
> I need to elaborate on all of these segments.
Dear Archimedes Plutonium,
Shouldn't you be busy disclosing the finances of the Plutonium Atom Foundation
as required by law? You've still got a day to get those taxes filed, providing
you hurry up and invent a machine that makes time go backwards.
Just out of curiousity, how many dependents do you claim live in your head?
Also, how come you keep inventing cool things like electric velcro,
colored bleach, and wacky physics, but you can't help humanity understand
why the main tax form in the United States is number 1040 and they
skipped the first 1039?
AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH CHICKEN McNUGGETS?
-- K.
I will pay a dollar to anyone who
can coax Archie into performing at the
local comedy joint's open-mike night.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Stupid-Bake, the oven for stupid kids
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 09:25:01 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
I'm reading the Frequently Asked Questions list on the official Kenner
Easy-Bake Oven home page.
Instead of summarizing it, I'll paste it in here, because it's small
enough to fit into the cupcake hatch of an Easy-Bake oven:
> Q: What is the best ingredient to add if your cake batter is too thick?
>
> A: If your batter or frosting mix is a little thick, add drops of water
> until it is just the way you want it!
Water? Oh, I was using SAND to make it more runny!
> Q: How do I find recipes for EASY-BAKE mixes if I have lost the
> instruction book?
>
> A: Contact Hasbro's Consumer Affairs Department at 1-800-327-8264.
Yeah, it's too bad they don't have a Web site they could post recipes on.
> Q: How do I find replacement parts/products for the EASY-BAKE Oven?
>
> A: Contact Hasbro's Consumer Affairs Department at 1-800-327-8264.
That's the end of the list of questions. Three really short ones,
only one of which contained an actual answer. The other two exhibited
a subtle pattern...
Q: My finger is stuck in the oven! It burns!
A: Contact Hasbro's Consumer Affairs Department at 1-800-327-8264.
Q: Mommy doesn't let me dial 1-800 numbers. What should I do?
A: Contact Hasbro's Consumer Affairs Department at 1-800-327-8264.
Q: Help! I have a rare disease which makes my head explode if I ever
use a telephone!
A: Contact Hasbro's Consumer Affairs Department at 1-800-327-8264.
Q: Should I join a Satanic cult that uses Easy-Bake paraphernalia in
sacrificial rituals?
A: Contact Hasbro's Consumer Affairs Department at 1-800-327-8264.
Q: Would you people lose a battle of wits to Eliza?
A: Contact Hasbro's Consumer Affairs Department at 1-800-327-8264.
I eventually did find one recipe on the Web site, from a finalist in
their "Easy-Bake Baker of the Year" contest, which amounted to "Bake
a cupcake in the Easy-Bake oven according to the directions that came
with the Easy-Bake cupcake mix. Then put ice cream on it."
A choice quote, from the "Did You Know?" page (ellipses theirs):
"...you've always been able to see your treats bake"
That would make a great motto for a self-help book. (Forget "Chicken Soup
For The Soul", here comes "Easy-Bake For Your Brain"!)
...by the way, in what year did they change the Easy-Bake to look like
a MICROWAVE oven? I think that would be the year that pop culture
became silly.
-- K.
I still say they should sell
a Difficult-Bake oven which
is usable as a refrigerator.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Wacky Penis Story
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 09:30:16 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> Today's astonishing quote from moi:
>
> "I'm not paid enough money to walk around a junior high
> school with a picture of a penis in my hand."
Wow! Who photographed it, and why didn't you wear a glove over
your deformity?
> Also, someone suggested that Nick might have been irritated because I
> said he was once 12 years old and posting on ARK. I'd like to say that I
> think 12-year-olds (the kinds of kids I work with) are actually some of
> the best Kibologists on earth.
Naah, you're thinking of four-year-olds. And that guy who draws the adventures
of his imaginary toddlers in "The Family Circus". "Mommy, what time is my
foot?" breaks me up every time he uses that gag over and over!
> Example:
>
> ME: Look, Laurel, if you do this again, guess what happens?
>
> LAUREL: Uh... detention?
>
> ME: Right. And if you do it again?
>
> LAUREL: Uh... office referral?
>
> HARDY: And then if you do it again, in-school suspension! And if you do
> it again, out of school suspension! Then juvie hall, then jail, then
> death row... then improper burial.
>
>
> So, as you can see, 12-year-old Hardy is excellent ARK material, and if
> he could type or create a short, grammatically correct sentence, I'd point
> him in our direction.
So, what you're saying, is that when your students are bad, you send them
to alt.religion.kibology? THAT'S THE MEANEST THING ANYONE EVER DID TO ANYBODY!
-- K.
The Dennis The Menace has to sit in
the corner until it stunts his growth
so he can stay six years old forever.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Wacky Penis Story
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Sat, 17 Apr 1999 02:49:37 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote:
>
> The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
> >
> > Oh, and one day I had a kid read a Family Circus book as part of his
> > "reading time". The kid was probably 16. I suggested he read something
> > else and he tried to beat me up.
>
> Kids who do things like that should be on the news.
Also, I think Stacia deserves a special award for being a teacher but
still never telling us to shut up. Stacia, I award you 10% of my luv.
I would award you all of it but I have to save some for the other people
here on this part of the Internet filled with luv. Nick, I'm giving you
9% of my luv because you already luv video games so giving you too much
more luv could hurt you by taking your attention away from your gaming.
> "Tommy Doppleganger, a 16-year-old eighth-grader, when prompted to read
> a book, chose a book of "Family Circus" cartoons, a book written at a
> second-grade level. When prompted to read a book more fitting his level
> of maturity, he began threatening his teacher and sobbing uncontrollably,
> as depicted here.
In tonight's episode, Tommy Doppleganger will be played by William Shatner,
as a teenager. With a hairpiece.
> Experts believe this to be a full-blown tantrum, as evidenced by the
> stomping of feet and accusations that the Devil came up from the ground
> and said he'd take him to Hell if he read anything with big words in it."
But "The Family Circus" is filled with big words like "pashgetti"!
And it has complex compound words like "Notme"! And sometimes newspapers
print the Sunday version with or without those narrow panels at the beginning
and end and when you see them you don't know whether you're supposed to
read them or not! "The Family Circus" is hard!
> They'd broadcast a version that he could understand on the SAP channel.
>
> "HAW HAW TOMMY DOPPLEGANGER READS A BABY BOOK!"
Yes, but the boring old Second Audio Program is only audio. To fully
appreciate it, he'd need to watch the secret Second Video Channel.
On the SVC, they'd show a doodle by Bill Keane of Tommy Doppleganger
with stink lines coming out of the open hole at the top of his head
and a sign would be sticking out saying "VACANCY, BRAIN WANTED".
Then a squiggly dotted line would come into the window and strangle him!
> Our eighth-grade teacher was more disciplined than that. She made it
> abundantly clear that in the eighth grade, Encyclopedia Brown books
> just don't count.
Just out of curiosity, when do they count?
-- K.
Because dogs often have heartworms,
Encyclopedia Brown knew that Anthony
Newley's death had been no suicide!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Cruelty-free condoms
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 09:51:34 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> > CRUELTY-FREE CONDOMS WIN APPROVAL OF CAMPAIGNERS
David, I'm going to have a hard time making fun of the way you made fun of
that newspaper or magazine article if you don't tell me where you got it
so I can make fun of how you were reading Highlights For Perverts.
> Exactly who were they campaigning AGAINST? This headline makes it sound
> like there's a coalition dedicated to making sexual experiences
> painful... and who would want THAT? Some kind of GOD-HATING DEVIATES?
The kind of people who would insist on putting a fluorescent orange safety
tip on each point of your French Tickler. You know, like those things they
put on fencing swords that make them not sharp enough to kill you but still
sharp enough that you have to wear quilted white pajamas and a Darth Vader
helmet while playing with the safety sword.
> > Vegans will no longer have to suppress their loving nature with the
> > arrival of a cruelty-free condom, campaigners said today.
>
> Now they'll have to suppress their loving nature using other methods!
> Like extra-cruelty aluminum condoms covered in splinters and tipped with
> curare! On the inside!
Ingredients: Broken glass, sandpaper, sandpepper, live rodents, durian jelly,
shredded fiberglas with barbed tips, snapping turtles that
haven't been fed, staple pullers, expired Cheez Whiz.
> > The range of condoms has been manufactured using no animal
> > ingredients or derivatives, in line with vegan beliefs.
>
> YES, I TOO BELIEVE THIS CONDOM HAS BEEN MANUFACTURED WITHOUT ANIMAL
> INGREDIENTS.
>
> I ALSO BELIEVE THIS BACON IS KOSHER.
Yeah, it's good that they're the only people who figured out how to get
latex sap from something other than a veal calf.
> If you're a Vegan, then how come you're wearing LEATHER BONDAGE GEAR?
> Huh? Answer me THAT, star-man! What, they don't have COWS on VEGA,
> Lyra boy? Huh?
>
> I met a Vegan once who had Venera 7 Disease. I lost contact with her a
> few times. I had a big crush on her... with my massive atmosphere.
>
> > Traditionally the processing of latex, used to make condoms, has
> > involved the use of casein - a milk protein.
Oh, yeah, and milking the cow is so cruel compared to just never milking
the cow until she EXPLODES!!!
> From www.casein.com:
>
> "Sodium Caseinate is a factor in binding processed meats -- sausages,
> luncheon meats, liverworst, meat loaves. It also acts as an emulsifier
> for fat."
>
> So... casein, which is used to make condoms, is also used to bind ground
> up meat.
>
> Excuse me for a second.
>
>
>
> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
>
>
I added some casein to bind my ground beef and it made a lovely softcover book.
Extremely softcover. Getting softer and fuzzier every day.
> > Vegans shun milk because its production involves breeding calves
> > destined for the meat industry, which they regard as cruel.
>
> But if they're DESTINED for the meat industry, who are YOU to deny them
> their fate? What are you, a CALVINIST?
>
> CALLBACK STARDATE: 1996.
Wait, was that before we converted from Julian to Gregorian stardates?
You'll have to give me the n-dimensional Cartesian time coordinate of
that era within the Kibological Time Polytope so that I can put new
batteries in my light cone and untangle this fouled world line.
> > But the range from German manufacturer Condomi utilises cocoa powder
> > instead and has been awarded the Vegan Society's seal of approval.
>
> They love animals SO much, a freaking FLIPPER-FOOTED SEA LION is their
> authority on what products are safe to use. "Oh, sure go ahead... that
> Thalidomide is perfectly safe." How about a DUGONG? Or a MANATEE?
>
> MIRAMANATEE!!
>
> I had something to say about the fact that these condoms will be
> chocolate-flavoured, but I forgot.
I think it was something like,
"Dear sci.physics, I like chocolate even better than other kinds of candy.
Here is a list of 58 kinds of candy I buy everyday. The universe is a
giant chocolate-flavored condom with mimes running through it. Atom!"
> Also, I think they should be made with coca powder, not cocoa powder,
> for reasons I'll avoid mentioning in this fine family newsgroup.
You are so mean grinding up Imogene Coca just to make your cruelty-free condom.
> I REFUSE TO USE THE WORD 'NOSTRIL' IN THIS POST, OTHER THAN THIS ONE TIME.
I use 'NOSTRIL' ever day because it keeps away those damn 'STRIL' that keep
stealing Wonder Woman's mind with Mork's glowing egg that sticks to foreheads
with magical double-faced tape. Then Dack Rambo gets his orders to destroy
the Earth from his boss, who is either Earl Boen wearing too much lipstick or
Lance Henriksen wearing too much lipstick and a lot of pancake to hide wrinkles.
> > Vegan Society general manager Richard Fairhall said: "Much to their
> > frustration vegans in the UK have long been denied access to a
> > cruelty-free condom.
>
> The reason for this, according to the condom industry, is because
> "they're weak, tend to break easily and emit an unpleasant smell. And
> they probably couldn't afford the condoms anyway." Vegans worldwide
> protested this description by attempting to write a letter, before
> collapsing from anaemic exhaustion mid-way through the process of
> looking for a cruelty-free pen.
Vegans don't just _break_! They _snap_! I mean, look at Hitler!
He was a vegetarian. Just think, if he had had a good condom, World War II
would have been RUINED FOREVER!
Also, he may have been a vegan, but he sure loved his barbecue sauce.
> > "The launch of Condomi's range changes all that - no longer will
> > vegans have to suppress their natural instinct to make love not war."
>
> Before the introduction of this condom, vegans were apparently killing
> each other left and right. MAKE LOVE, NOT CRUELTY-FREE WAR! DROP OUT,
> TURN ON, TUNE IN, COND OM.
But love is an act of aggression, in much the way that comedy is, or that
suicide is a murder turned inside-out, or a balloon is a condom on steroids.
> > Condomi condoms are available through the Family Planning
> > Association and are soon to go on sale in Superdrug stores priced
> > from £1.99 for a pack of three.
>
> Condomi! New from Sanrio!
Get 'em at your local condomicile. Now with tangy condomicilemon scent!
For less condomicilemoney! Which will bring a smile to your condomicilemoneyes!
Cows can't make puns so they're not as cute as meeeeeee!
> -dp.
> Avoiding the obvious
> reference to meat.
I was going to ask if I could substitute a small salad for the
vegetarian condom, but then I thought about asking whether cruelty-free
condoms are really cruelty-free from the standpoint of the spermatozoa,
and that's a funny word because it ends in -zoa like protozoa and metazoa
and bozoa, which makes me hope Bozo is wearing a condom right now without
really wanting to know if he is.
-- K.
Help control the Bozo
population, have your
local Bozo spayed or neutered.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Cruelty-free condoms
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Sat, 17 Apr 1999 03:09:34 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
> > >
> > > > CRUELTY-FREE CONDOMS WIN APPROVAL OF CAMPAIGNERS
> >
> > David, I'm going to have a hard time making fun of the way you made fun of
> > that newspaper or magazine article if you don't tell me where you got it
> > so I can make fun of how you were reading Highlights For Perverts.
>
> It was crossposted between alt.sex.fetish.robots and the "Inspirational
> Stories for Young Christians" column in Boy's Life.
I think that someday someone needs to cross-post an article between
alt.religion.kibology and The Bible.
"Honey, I just opened our Bible, and it has all these weird headers in it..."
"Oh, it must be one of those new Polyglot Internet Bibles. The Filtered
Followuped Version."
> [...three inches of mirth deleted...]
>
> I hate the fact that petroleum-based products cause condoms to dissolve,
> meaning I'll never be able to fulfill my fantasy of practicing safe sex
> in the La Brea tarpits.
Ewww. You've been watching way too much "Laverne & Shirley", the most
perverted show ever. I mean, not only was there that one where Lenny
and Squiggy wrestled in The La Brea Tar Pits (whose name is Spanish for
"El The La Brea Tar Pits") but last night, Nick At Nite played that episode
where Lenny and Squiggy were on "The Dating Game" and the girl ran away
so the host told Squiggy that meant he could choose ANYONE to date,
AND HE CHOSE LENNY!
> Vegans will be to blame if I get dinosaur herpes. I GET TO SEE THE GUTS
> OF A SEVEN-MILLION YEAR OLD TURTAL!
The really sad thing is that when I was at the New England Aquarium I was
too busy reading the lines like "I GET TO SEE THE GUTS OF A TURTAL" in the
guest book to remember to actually look at the guts of the turtal.
> [...fifteen inches of fun...]
>
> > Help control the Bozo population, have your local Bozo spayed or neutered.
>
> And we know you can't use Bozo's nose as a condom,
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Yes, but Dave, I know that *you* COULD use Bozo's nose as a condom.
There's something wrong with your brain. And while we're passing out wuv
vibes here on alt.religion.kibology to restore the old-time wuv to the group,
I just want to tell you that I wuv the fact that you're a real sicko because
it makes me look normal by comparison.
> because it's made out of ground-up bozoa constrictors.
I would just like to point out that I have, on at least one occasion since
1990, mentioned the "BOZE NOSE BOOKS" poster of Bozo shoving his big fat
honking nose into a book at the Boston Public Library.
I think Don Saklad started hanging around there right after they took it down.
> -dp.
> PLEASE! SOMEBODY
> STOP THIS THREAD!
> WE'VE ALREADY TRIED
> SUMMONING HITLER!
(Hitler enters, wearing Bozo's nose. And it's not where you think.)
HITLER: Ha! Ha! If I wear this wacky clown makeup, the Allies will stop
bombing me because I will automatically become funny if I paint my
face white and wear a rainbow wig!
WINSTON CHURCHHILL: Yes, but sir, in the morning, I will STILL have a big
red nose.
BORIS YELTSIN: HYAR HYAR HYAR!!!
(Boris Yeltsin shouts "EIGHT DELICIOUS RUM CAAAAAKES!" and falls down the
stairs while holding them. The Hitler teaches the kids the letter ess-tsett.)
-- K.
So if German had a special
symbol for two of each letter,
what would the others look like?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Today in History
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 10:00:14 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote:
>
> Nope, not a birthday post. Nor a list post.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THIS IS NOT A LIST POST
10) Top Ten lists are too easy to write.
9) David Letterman has beaten them to death.
8) And they're not funny even when he does them.
7) Did I mention they're easy to write?
I can't think of any more, this is too hard, I want to go do something else.
I'm hungry. Where the hell are the dancing cats?
> But don't worry, per my usual standards it won't be a humorous post either
> but rather an attempt at one.
You're the kind of guy who would make a hundred-million-dollar action movie
and have the trailer yell, "DEPENDING ON YOUR TASTE, YOU MAY DECIDE FOR
YOURSELF WHETHER THIS MOVIE IS GOOD OR BAD, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW AND I MADE IT!"
You're just too honest. Now, if you weren't as up-front about not being
funny, you could get away with it. Honesty is for people who are always
funny. You know, like the way "Liar Liar" starred Jim Carrey, who couldn't
tell a lie and is always funny, even when he did the "Fire Marshall Bill"
character 50,000 times on "In Living Color" and... oh, bad example. Um,
always funny, always funny... I know, David Letterman's Top Ten Lists
are always funny, because he always opens them by apologizing for how lame
they are, and we know he could only get away with that if he's always funny,
therefore I have mathematically proven David Letterman is always funny.
HEY, I MISSED HIS SHOW TODAY, DID HE REMEMBER TO DO A JOKE ABOUT HOW
ALL CAB DRIVERS HAVE BODY ODOR?
> On April 14, 1902, J.C. Penny opened his first store in Kemmerer, Wyoming.
> Later that same day he hired Bob Hope to be a pitchman for the store since
> he wanted to appeal to the more mature shopper.
I can just see it now...
"Hey, it's great to be here in, what's that cue card say? Kemmererer.
Kemmemmererer. Kemler. Adlai Stevenson. Boy, these cue cards are
harder to read than the footnotes in the Kinsey Report! And now, here's
Phyllis Diller!"
(Enter Phyllis Diller, dressed as one of those newfangled "flappers".
She says "twenty-three skiddoo!" and blows a kiss to Bob Hope. It magically
makes him age ten years. Nobody notices.)
-- K.
And he did that sketch ten times.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: HELP WITH PLASTER FACE MOLD!!!
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 10:09:50 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
In alt.art.bodypainting, "kovacs" (kovacs@goodnet.com) wrote:
>
> HELP WITH PLASTER FACE MOLD!!!
This is another example of how these articles never live up to their
subject lines.
I expect it to say
MMMMM MMMM MMMMMMFFFF MM MMMFFFFF MFFFF MMM MMMMFFFF CAN'T BREATHE MMMFFF MFFFF!
> OK- I need some DESPERATE help! I have to get a plaster mold of my face
> ASAP! I need any suggestions anyone can give! Thanks!
You know, someone should do a study of the people who post stuff like
"INCREDIBLY URGENT! HELP! DOUBLE HELP! I NEED TO GET A COPY OF THE
1977 EPISODE OF 'THE PRICE IS RIGHT' WHERE THERE WAS A THREE-WAY TIE AND
I NEED IT WITHIN TEN MINUTES!" and find out (a) why the hell they need this
stuff, (b) whether they really need it right away, and (c) whether they
get it and, if so, why I can't get random stuff on demand too.
> Please reply to my email- I'll never find this newsgroup again!
Make a plaster cast of it so you can keep it forever!
> kovacs
Ah, the days when Ernie Kovacs could make three hours of brilliant TV comedy
by dipping his head in plaster and running around bumping into things.
And then his staff would trick him into drinking a gallon of vodka on
the air. And there would be a bug in it. And in the background Groucho
would make Harpo eat a telephone that's supposed to be made of licorice
but is actually made of dog poop. Comedy was so much more genteel in
those days before they went for shock value.
-- K.
It's the color pictures that
make my TV not funny any more.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Yet Another Crushing Disappointment
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 10:23:51 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote:
>
> Well, the company I work for announced last week that we were
> getting a new phone system. As you might imagine, I was quite
> excited.
This is the worst Steve Martin film ever!
Terri, don't forget to redub most of the scenes for broadcast TV because
this is the early eighties. Be sure to use the word "milkface" in place
of anything offensive and/or comprehensible.
> (A side note: I think the trainer lady for our new high-tech
> phone system might have been Amish. Do you think that's a bad sign?)
AND HEY, WHAT ABOUT THE AIRLINE FOOD THAT AMISH PEOPLE WHO WORK AT
7-ELEVEN WOULD SERVE IF THEY WEREN'T BUSY OWNING CATS OR DOGS BUT NOT BOTH?
> So, instead of Standing on the Threshold of the Dawn of The
> Beginning of The Start of a Bright New Age, I'm sitting here with
> this phone on my desk that has not one button, but thirty-six.
Wow. I didn't know there were that many Sesame Street characters.
Someday I want to market a toy phone for kids where, every once in a while,
when you pushed Big Bird's button (please don't use Kontext-Away there)
you would get a recording saying "That number is not in service because
we have erroneously disconnected it." and then for the rest of the day it
would ring every five minutes and Oscar The Grouch would try to get you
to switch to Grouch Long Distance Services and insult you when you wouldn't,
just like a guy from MCI.
> Some of the buttons are kind of interesting, though. For example,
> in our training we were told that the button "with the sideways
> funny 8" is the "infinity" button. I'm pretty sure that if I
> program my phone correctly, I can use it to travel through Time.
But only to age 8, and you would come out sideways. Then Willy Wonka
would have to put you in the Pineapple Upside Down Cake On A Stick machine
and take you out when you're halfway flipped-over to make you right-side
up and simulatenously permanently deform you so that you learn that using
a telephone too much will make you permanently deformed.
> Also, there is a "Do Not Disturb" button. It does not have a
> funny sideways number on it,
On my phone the zero is sideways.
> but I like it anyway, because if I punch it, my phone does not ring.
Someday, everyone will have a phone with 382 buttons, and they will always
make it not ring. Plus it'll have both Kermit and Baby Kermie on it
so you can make conference calls between Regular Muppets and Muppet Babies.
> Of course, I left class at that point, as that was pretty much all I
> needed to know about the new phone system.
A good way to figure out how you've learned enough: When you get the urge
to start telling alt.religion.kibology what you've learned, you've learned
too much 'cause it's overflowing your brain and the only way to get rid of
it is to pass it to us! But I'm calling a boomerang zone with no givebacks!
Hahahahahaha! I am the Seven Million Dollar Man so I can beat up the
Six Million Dollar Man! Especially when I call no givebacks before I kick him!
-- K.
Or if I call it after, in a
boomerang zone! Unless Mommy
is watching, in which case
first I have to say "I'M NOT
KICKING HIM, I'M KISSING HIM
WITH MY FOOT REALLY HARD,
NO KISSBACKS!" Then I'd use
the cootie spray for safe kicking.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Yet Another Crushing Disappointment
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Sat, 17 Apr 1999 02:39:43 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > But only to age 8, and you would come out sideways. Then Willy Wonka
> > would have to put you in the Pineapple Upside Down Cake On A Stick machine
> > and take you out when you're halfway flipped-over to make you right-side
> > up and simulatenously permanently deform you so that you learn that using
> > a telephone too much will make you permanently deformed.
>
> This reminds me that Anthony Newley, who I think co-wrote the Oompa-Loompa
> song, just died. Our killing spree continues!
Oh my god, I just killed Anthony Newley! Now both of the guys who played
The Master on "Doctor Who" are dead!!!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go complain that they never made
the "Doom" movie. Because if they had I could say that Kyle McLachlan
and Sting were in it.
-- K.
Fun boring "Willy Wonka" fact:
The movie's credits say "Lyrics and
Music: Leslie Bricusse and Anthony
Newley". So I think he wrote the
catchy musical part of the tune, not
the stupid words about how parents
should never, ever allow their kids
to watch TV, unless a delightful
fantasy written by Roald Dahl is on.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Mr Quayle's Diary, April 15, 1999
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 10:39:36 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
"Inflatable Pinata" (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote:
>
> Dear Diary,
>
> Well, we're finally on the way. It was fun to be back Huntingon North
> again. Everybody was yelling and cheering and saying such nice things. Not
> all like last time, a mere 34 years ago. Well that's all over with.
> Marilyn spent all last fall drilling me with words like potato, tomato,
> antidisestablishmentarism, and skyskaper, so no more of those silly
> mistakes.
Dear National Lampoon,
Please cancel my subscription when the Nixon/Agnew administration ends.
Dear Former Vice-President Quayle,
Yesterday you announced that your campaign platform was a 30% tax reduction.
But I just paid my Massachusetts state taxes and the tax form said all over
that all my income was taxed at 5.95%. Does this mean the the government
is going to start paying me a negative 24.05% tax? Please respond on TV
because I don't have the Internet here on this Web site.
-- K.
What we really need is an IQ
tax where people are taxed
1% for every point below 150,
because those of us who are
super-geniuses don't need any
government services and can
fend for ourselves, but those
at IQ 78 need government help
such as a pretty pamphlet like
"How To Find Your Local
McDonalds When You Want To
Eat At McDonalds" or "Hey,
Your Shoes Are Untied!"
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: CHAPTER 5: LOCAL NEWS
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 10:52:42 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote:
>
> ****
> ****
> ******** <- I AM TRANSPORTING YOU HERE!
> ********
> ******** THROUGH THE MAGIC OF ASTERISKS!
> ********
> ********
Utah's chief crop is footnotes.
> Today, some guy with a went into the Mormon church genealogical
> library. AND OPENED FIRE!
I've always wanted to put a big cardboard box in the middle of the shopping
mall, and when people opened it flames would come out, and then a cop would
start beating them with a nightstick yelling "YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL FOR OPENING
FIRE!" and then they'd get put in jail, and then a few days later Allen Funt
would come and explain the joke and they'd have a good laugh, because otherwise
he wouldn't let them out.
> Genealogy is where you look up who your ancestors are and what they
> did, because hey, do you need privacy when you're dead?
This is about David Blaine being "buried" in a glass coffin under a fishtank
in the middle of the street in New York City, isn't it?
IF HE WERE A REAL MAGICIAN HE WOULDN'T HAVE WORN CLOTHES!!!
Actually, if he were a real magician he'd change himself into a beautiful
woman and THEN maybe I'd go look at him instead of belittling his awesome
triumph of deliberately choosing not to teleport himself out of the box
he locked himself into for seven days.
See, maybe I'd be impressed if he DIDN'T stay in the coffin under the
aquarium. But I mean I could stay inside a locked box for as long as it's
locked. Now, I don't know if I'd come out with better or worse hallucinations
than Mr. Blaine did (he claims that God told him that people should love
one another, or something, while he was in the glass Kleenex box) but
I can guarantee you that I wouldn't walk out through the walls or anything
like that, because that would be cheating and not magic, the art of making
a big deal out of not doing anything.
> Mostly it's sad old people who do this, which makes the shooting especially
> worrying, because they could have died MINUTES before their time!
> Genealogy is important to Mormons for reasons that never made sense to
> me as I grew up in Utah - but then, neither did magic underwear.
Maybe the guy looked them up in the big gold rotary card catalog and it
said that the guys were supposed to be dead by now and they weren't so
he was actually just setting things right. EVER THINK OF THAT? NO?
WELL, THEN, YOU'RE NOT QUALIFIED TO JUSTIFY MASS MURDER!!!
> The real question is: WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE AMERICAN DREAM?
> There's a TIME and a PLACE for everything, and if you're going to open
> fire on a crowd, you must be at a McDonald's or a post office. What
> are you going to DO in a Genealogical library?
The question really is, what ISN'T Don Saklad going to do in the library?
> NOBODY GETS OUT OF HERE ALIVE UNTIL YOU ADMIT I'M RELATED TO ELVIS!
> MAKE ONE MOVE, AND THE MICROFICHE GETS IT!
You know, given that those big metal detectors by the door can detect
the little metal sliver in the spine of that copy of Vonnegut's "Breakfast
of Champions" you're trying to steal, you'd think they could detect, say,
a GUN, but noooo, they can only detect BOOKS.
"He's coming into the library with a Spice Girls book! Get him!"
> NOTE: To all Mormons who may be offended, and (more importantly) who
> might be carrying .22s - I don't mean to imply the LDS church is any
> wackier than the rest of Judeo-Christian mythology. To put it another
> way: Catholicism is Coke, Protestantism is Pepsi, and Mormonism is Dr Pepper.
>
> Baha'i is femmy herbal tea.
>
> Scientology is lukewarm Zima, served in a collectible Burger King
> glass from 1987.
Kibology is Orbitz. Only the floating lumps are invisible. And it's
served in a bottle labelled "KRAZY GLUE, DO NOT DRINK" and consumed in public.
> Zen Buddhism is an empty cup, with a single human hair in it.
>
> Communism is Sprite or 7-up, you're not sure which, and there's a
> lipstick stain on in the rim that you're not sure how it got there.
>
> Objectivism is hot black coffee. Do not spill objectivism in lap.
>
> Kibology is a durian-and-bacon Orbitzsicle.
See, I guessed half of your sicle! But I forgot to put the bacon in Kibology.
WAAH! STEPHEN TANNER MADE ME FORGET TO PUT BACON IN YOU PEOPLE!!!
I like to think of Kibology as being more of a candy bar than a full
meal like bacon Orbitz would be.
-- K.
The lumps would be bacony,
the clear part would be eggy.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: CHAPTER 3: PAGANISM ROCK SALT
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1999 11:16:14 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote:
>
> When connecting science-fiction authors to Devo, remember:
>
> Anti-kibological:
> Any actor is six or fewer connections away from Kevin Bacon.
>
> Non-kibological:
> Every advanced civilization is only two meals away from barbarism.
>
> Kibological:
> Every olde-tyme science fiction author is only two steps away from Devo.
And only one step away from Anson "Potsie" Williams.
> Cinemax-o-Logical:
> Every woman is two drinks away from an incredible girl-on-girl
> adventure.
CONSTITUTION AMENDED: ALCOHOL BANNED TO ELIMINATE LESBIANISM FOREVER
> Callback-o-logical:
> Every actor is at most six steps away from George Wendt. DOGS DON'T
> KNOW HE'S NOT KEVIN BACON!
I just want to know if the mean kids ever teased Kevin Spacey about his
name until he turned into one of them.
> [...stuff about pools with eyeballs floating in them deleted because
> it was too sick for you people to appreciate...]
>
> THIS PORTION OF +=================================+
> TODAY'S POST IS | |
> FILMED IN CUTE- | There is no I in Kbo. |
> EMBROIDERY-O- | |
> VISION!!! | ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ |
> | \ / \ / \ / \ / |
> SQEEEEZES!!! | v v v v |
> | |
> +=================================+
Either those four Asteroids ships are flying in formation to represent
that time all the Thunderbirds flew into the ground simultaneously when
they were playing "Follow The Incompetent Leader", or else you have
four ABNORMALLY cute squids. Personally I hope it's four Asteroids ships
because the latest issue of Scientific American had an article about how
our universe could be one big octagonal Asteroids game and they went on
and on about how relativity theory allows this to work so it could
happen, the Universe could be an octagon with the opposite edges taped
together, then at the very end the authors admit they checked with
their telescopes and the Universe is definitely not this shape, then
the editors of Scientific American laughed at me! I hate it when they
publish goofy stupid science papers like that in the April issue because
I never know whether or not they're April Fools pranks because a lot
of science is this silly these days. So telling me this article was just
a tease was really mean. MOMMY, THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY IS TEASING ME!
-- K.
All just because of my theory
that Newton and Einstein
are not only wrong, but alive!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Hints from Heloise
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 1999 05:34:53 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote:
>
> NickB 4/16/99 9:02 PM
> you know what I think?
> Kibo's marriage to Barbara Bain is a SHAM..
> to hide the fact that NEITHER OF THEM ARE GAY.
Dear Louis Nick Bensema,
Actually, the reason I married her was to very badly hide the fact that
Martin Landau is gay. I mean, did you see that big belt buckle he wore
on "Space: 1999"?
-- K.
Also, the robot chimp on
"Battlestar Galactica" is gay.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: the Boston Marathon
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 1999 05:48:45 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
By the way, I still think it's mean of them to time the Boston Marathon
runners by putting special computers in the left toe of their sneakers
even though over 85% of last year's runners got cancer of the big toe!
IF YOU RUN TWENTY-SIX MILES ON BLACKTOP TOMORROW,
I IMPLORE YOU TO DO IT BAREFOOT!
-- K.
BECAUSE I WUV YOU!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: i like food
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 1999 06:04:50 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) writes:
> >
> > OH NO, I thought, I CAN NAME THE GUITARIST FROM JOURNEY! I MUST BUILD
> > A TIME MACHINE SO I CAN RETURN TO THE 80'S NOW!
>
> DEAR NICK STOP PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU STOP I TOO LOVE THE 1880S AND
> WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE PONY EXPRESS AND TELEGRAPH IN ACTION STOP ALL IS
> FORGIVEN STOP FREE WHITE CASTLE BURGERS FOR KIBO
Dear Stacia,
Waah! Don't stop my free White Castles! You're mean because you're a teacher!
Dear Stevie Nicks Bensema,
I think the video game based on the concept of the black and white too-wide
photos of the members of the band "Journey" really sucked, but the arcade
version and the Atari 2600 version were actually completely different games,
but even though they had nothing in common, they both sucked exactly as much.
Also you can tell the game sucks because I can win it even though I don't
know who those five people with the wide heads are, although I think one
of them might be Sam Neill, and another might be that general from the Mac
version of Dark Forces who turns into the Phase III Dark Trooper and shoots
those floating balls that chase you around very very slowly, ooh. Now, that's
a good game, even if it's way too easy. But I guess they had to make it easy,
because it was based on a kids' movie.
Dear Louis Nick III,
Am I confusing you with Nick Bensema here? I don't think so, but if I am,
please tell him to tell me to stop.
Dear The New York State Board Of Regents,
Please stop telling Stacia to tell me that "w" is a vowel, 1972 is over!
-- K.
And the whole year of 1976
was a vowel. A big liquid one.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: i like food
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 06:43:16 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I think the video game based on the concept of the black and white
> > too-wide photos of the members of the band "Journey" really sucked,
> > but the arcade version and the Atari 2600 version were actually
> > completely different games, but even though they had nothing in common,
> > they both sucked exactly as much.
>
> I know. I OWN THE 2600 CARTRIDGE OF WHICH YOU SPEAK. I'm pretty sure
> there are two songs on it played in off-key 2600ish. The second one
> is "Don't Stop Believing". What is the first one?
I think the first one was R.E.M.'s "Superman", before they cashed in and
sold it to IBM for a dump truck full of money.
Also, you're confused, "Don't Stop Believing" was in "Tron", along with
Journey's haunting "Nineties Theme". Wendy Carlos nearly exploded his^H^H^Hher
brain by composing that closing theme, which Matt McIrvin has described as
"an infinite amount of music packed into a finite time" by applying Zeno's
paradox, and then Disney went and clipped off the part where it accelerated
to infinite tempo and spliced in "Don't Stop Believing" to get fewer people
to walk out on the movie in case time ever went backwards and the allegedly
cool song was now at the beginning of the movie. Because this song was in
the movie of "Tron", and there was a "Tron" video game, they couldn't possibly
have used the song in a competing arcade game, especially given how completely
and totally different the arcade versions of "Tron" and "Journey" were.
I mean, "Tron" consisted of four lame sub-games pasted together by
Bally/Midway, while "Journey" had FIVE lame sub-games pasted together
by Bally/Midway, and had completely different ROMs used with the same hardware
in the same cabinet with a different sticker on it.
> And both games suck exactly as much as Michael Jackson's "Moonwalker"
> which I have never played.
You misspelled "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles With Different Graphics".
You know, "Moonwalker" is to "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" as
"Prince at age 13 and more insane" is to "Michael Jackson".
Also, today there are dozens of big scary black posters saying
"TEENAGE ATARI RIOT" (with a date in May) all over Boston.
Nobody knows what this means except you, Mr. Bensema.
Please tell us about your scheduled riot so that I may show up wearing
my jacket with all 500 Activision patches on it, including the one I got
for solving Cubicolor in five seconds on a black and white TV.
-- K.
It's like Q*Bert without the Q*Bert.
P.S. I like how this thread is still titled "I like food." even though
Nick couldn't possibly like food because he likes video games so much
that there's no room for food in his life. Except for the little fruits
in Pac-Man. Mmm, tiny durian.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Kibo would be proud.
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 1999 06:09:01 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Michael Driscoll (fenris@ulf.edgemail.com) wrote:
>
> The other day, I'm coming home from a ski vacation with my girlfriend.
> I was telling her about sans serif v. serif fonts when I point out that
> the sign we're passing, which says "Ski Cooper", is in Helvetica.
>
> Then I notice it: The S is upside down.
(a dancing dwarf enters and says "SKI, COOPER!" while upside down & backwards.)
> Kibo broke my brane.
Now show your gal something printed in Weiss-Antiqua and tell her that its
S is ALWAYS upside down, which is how you can tell Superman designed it.
Then show her that page of the Letraset catalog where their ITC Souvenir Light
"v" is backwards and hypothesize that the catalog is printed on cheap paper
and they rubbed their press-on "v" onto the back of the page by mistake.
-- K.
Then tell her about the
time I had to call 911
because I had my head
stuck in an octothorpe.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Annoyingly stoopid dream
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 1999 06:13:00 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
"Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote:
>
> Tonight, I dreamt that I was on a cruise ship and Kibo was going to make
> a speech but then my friends got into a fight with an evil security guard
> who was William Shatner.
I agree, that's a STQQP!D DR33M. I mean, it's not like I'd cancel my
speech just because your friends beat up William Shatner as T. J. Hooker.
I'd probably just give an extra-good speech. Also, you forgot to mention
why I was giving a speech: It was my inauguration as President Of
The Earth's Core.
> I need a life.
Yeah, but how do you think William Shatner feels? I mean, he's so desperate
for work that he's taking a cameo roles in zero-budget dream!
I say you should invest some money in your dreams so that you can get
real actors, like Nicole Kidman or Leonardo DiCaprio, to be in them.
-- K.
You should stuff money into your ears tonight.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Annoyingly stoopid dream
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 1999 06:23:08 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Stefan Elisa Kapusniak (stefan.kapus@zetnet.co.uk) wrote:
>
> Last night I got the 'wandering around the badly designed
> railway station, cursing the idiot who keeps moving the
> plaforms around so I can't find the train that was here
> a minute ago.' dream yet again. And I'm not even late
> for a train or anything in that one.
And all the trains had scary human faces on them, and a tiny Beatle got
replaced by that guy who made a career out of saying all seven swear words
in one sentence! And then he said "THAT OUGHTA HOLD THE LITTLE BASTARDS!
RAM IT, CLOWN!" and asked you to send all the little pieces of green paper
in Daddy's wallet to him but your dad just had balloons in his wallet.
> That was after dreaming about emails ALL IN CAPS in
> green phsophor from the C++ standards comittee confirming
> the reason for not including a feature that didn't make
> any sense was because Runtime Time Type Information was
> slated to use the same punctuation marks.
I like how the people who designed the C++ programming language engineered
a "back door" into it that gave them a secret command that allowed them to
change the type of phosphor on your computer's screen.
> That was after dreaming of a front cover the Economist
> consisting of a cartoon of Milsovic and Yeltsin,
> Milosivic with a speech bubble reading -- in a pleading
> manner -- 'call me enigneer', and Yeltsin saying 'I want
> you to be Soldier, Soldier.'
Where were the Indian and motorcycle cop while this was happening?
THIS IS THE WORST TEEN-ORIENTED COMEDY STAR VEHICLE FOR KELSEY GRAMMER EVER!
Then he did some coke and flipped the submarine on a curve, so NBC had
to cancel "seaQuest DSViper".
> > I need a life.
>
> I need _substantially_ less boring dreams.
>
> How about I make a date to meet y'all up in some dream
> or other, say in a dream simulcram of Kibo's chinese
> supermarket, purveyors of DEATH CRAB and other
> delicacies...?
That would be The 88 Super Market, I'll see you there. Don't anyone
get confused and go to Ming's instead. And absolutely don't go to Mei Tung
because it smells like poo and they have signs saying "MUSHROOR" and
"CHINESE BRANK PORK SAUSAGE". Also it REALLY smells like poo.
They are the only place I know that sells Redolent Rice Glue Congee, though.
-- K.
There's a circular Bread & Circus
in the Back Bay and an equilateral
triangular Star Market in Arlington.
So where is the top-secret supermarket
shaped like the Pentagon?
"THE PENNNTAGONNN IS FULLLL OFFFF POT PIES!"
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: A Visit to Seattle's Trader Joes
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 1999 06:38:30 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
"marked for deletion" (petew@drizzle.com) wrote:
>
> Yes, today I went to the Queen Anne Trader Joe's just because of references
> to it in a.r.k.
>
> What I found:
>
> 1. The aisles were narrow and the clients strangely hyperfocused and
> energized considering the bozotic nature of the shop and its products.
Bozos always seem to have energy to spare. This is because bozosity
violates the Second Law Of Thermodynamics, and bozosity will someday
be harnessed to power the Sun!
> 2. I purchased toothpaste containing what the box calls a "mixture of tree
> resins gathered by bees". Aparently such a mixture has the name "propolis"
> and, once aware of this word, I began seeing many other propolis-containing
> products elsewhere in the store. Propolis seems adequately kibological
> yet I can't recall seeing this word lately in postings. Please find a place
> for propolis in your new postings.
I think there should be a word which is like "propolis" plus "meconium",
and that Trader Joe's should only use it in the products I don't eat,
like the chicken "drumettes" soaked in artificial movie-theater flavor
butter-style yellow stinky stuff.
> 3. One fellow customer asked her shopping companion: "What is barley?".
> This was followed by "I like tomatoes". The companion's uniform reply was a
> Beavis-like snort-chuckle expulsion of air.
Heh heh heh, he said "Barley". Barley's a stupid dinosaur. Dinosaurs
sposed to be cool. Barley sucks! Heh heh heh heh heh.
HEY, DAVID LETTERMAN JUST ASKED ME TO BE ON EVERY EPISODE OF HIS SHOW
FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS! ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF ME!
> 4. My usual dread for going to the normal supermarket was replaced with
> delight after my visit to Trader Joe's. I cheerfully recommend going and
> not buying anything.
I refuse to buy anything until someone tells me whether Joe never uses
his last name for fear that you'll realize that he's also Doc Martin.
Dr. Joseph Martin, PhD, EdD was born to humble parents in a palatial estate
in 1903, which was a town so small it had a number for a name, in the year 1954.
Martin earned his PhD by studying the effect cheap beer has on fast women,
slow children, and mediums, and was awarded an honorary EdD by serving as
Educational Consultant to the TV series "Galactica 1980". He has been assumed
dead ever since his rotting corpse was discovered, assuming he follows the
usual pattern of staying dead after death. He is survived by four children,
two sequels, and a small glowing blimp that makes beeping noises.
-- K.
I think I just realized I
don't know what I'm talking about.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: A Visit to Seattle's Trader Joes
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 06:52:42 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes:
> >
> > Bozos always seem to have energy to spare. This is because bozosity
> > violates the Second Law Of Thermodynamics, and bozosity will someday
> > be harnessed to power the Sun!
>
> Someday, bozosity will be too cheap to meter!
GUY IN OVERALLS: I'm here to read your bozo meter.
ME: Okay.
(GUY IN OVERALLS opens a small hatch, and eight cream pies hit him in the face.)
ME: What's the reading?
GUY IN OVERALS: Eight! Cream! Pies!
(He falls down the stairs.)
ME: I guess I should pave over those stairs so that doesn't happen again.
I better go to Home Depot right away.
(CUT TO Home Depot, where the owner is being chased through the store
in fast-motion by a dozen women in string bikinis while wacky music plays.)
-- K.
Incidentally, today at Home Depot I was in
the toilet trouble aisle and I found
"Master Plunger: The Master Of _ALL_ Plungers"
and "Double Agent With Nuggets".
These James Bond movies are getting so lame!
I mean, it used to be that Sean Connery found
his girlfriend covered in gold paint. Now,
Pierce Brosnan just finds her jammed into a toilet.
Then, Bruce Boxleitner throws his glowing nuggets
at the Master Plunger, and then Babylon 5 explodes
because it got cancelled.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: All The Dirt That's Fit To Cram
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 06:05:20 GMT
Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
In article ,
"AP / E.N. SMITH, Associated Press Writer" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote:
>
> Subject: Habit of Dirt-Eating Is Studied
>
> ATLANTA (AP) -- As a nurse, Rena Bronson knows eating dirt can
> cause anemia, constipation and serious liver and kidney damage. But
> that doesn't seem to matter when her body starts yearning for those
> crumbly white chunks of clay.
This is my favorite TV commercial of the year.
"...and kidney damage. But that doesn't matter when your body starts
yearning for those crumbly, crunchewy chunks of clay!"
> Her 10-year, $1.48-a-bag kaolin habit has left the 51-year-old
> woman lethargic, isolated and chronically constipated.
However, now she has the ability to go into any book, with her pals
Pokey, Prickle, and Goo.
(Poor Spot! He moved in with Gumby. "WAAH! My copy of 'Panty Salesman's
Privelege' has grease stains all over it!")
> ``I don't have much of a social life anymore,'' she said. ``It's
> more important I get home to get my fix.''
Thanks to the Internet, Mrs. Bronson could now have a happy social life
chatting with other dirt-eaters.
Of course, she'd have to set her computer to a pica font.
> Dirt eating, or geophagy,
is now called Social Studies.
> goes back thousands of years. The ancient Greeks ate clay to fight
> a variety of ailments. About 2,000 years later, the practice continues,
> especially among poor folks in rural middle Georgia -- where most of
> the world's kaolin comes from.
Yeah, the rest of us civilized folks NEVER consume flavored clay to
jam up our guts, the active ingredient in Kaopectate is the artificial
green mint flavor, not the kaolin, yep yep yep.
> Women, pregnant women in particular, say the white clay settles
> their stomachs. Ms. Bronson says the taste is hard to describe.
BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ONE!!!
"It's like a mud pie made from communion wafers that were left in the rain."
> ``Do you know how the ground smells when it's real dry and along
> comes a little sprinkle of rain -- that fresh smell? If you could
> taste a smell, that's how I would describe it.''
And all dirt tastes exactly the same, yep yep yep.
> Most people expect it to be gritty, but it's creamy smooth.
Unless, of course, it's mixed with gravel, in which case it has the
texture of Grape-Nuts.
> ``Technically, I'd rather eat dirt than food,'' she said.
WITH KIBOLOGY, YOU'LL LEARN TO PREFER TO EAT THE INEDIBLE!!!
> ``If I could eat dirt for breakfast, dirt for lunch, dirt for dinner and a
> little iced tea I'd be fine.''
Unfortunately, it's not possible to eat dirt for lunch. But it makes
a great breakfast and dinner.
AND WITH DIRT THERE IS NO BRUNCH!!!
> The problem is, no matter what name you call it -- dirt, clay, or
> chalk -- kaolin simply isn't supposed to be eaten. The fine white
> mineral is used in papermaking, paint products, ceramics,
> fiberglass and stomach-soothing medicines.
Remember, kids, chalk is exactly the same as dirt. So it's okay to smear
dirt all over the blackboard at school.
> Georgia produces about 8 million tons of kaolin a year -- or half
> the world's supply --
I wonder how we could solve this problem of Georgia having a monopoly
on the world's supply of dirt.
> making it easy for Ms. Bronson and an untold number of others to find.
> ``Some people just go out and dig in their yard. But I've seen
> it at convenience stores, stores in black neighborhoods, gas
> stations,'' she said.
OH MY GOD! BLACK PEOPLE HAVE ACCESS TO DIRT NOW! BAR THE WINDOWS!!!
IT'S THE END OF WHITE CIVILIZATION!!!
> ``Even though it says right on the package that it's a novelty
> item `not for human consumption,' sometimes you'll find it with the
> vegetables at the grocery store.''
Dirt, the wacky fun novelty item.
"Honey, here's your birthday present."
"Hey, this is just a clod of dirt!"
"Yeah, clods for clods! HYUK HYUK HYUK!"
"Oh, honey, you're so witty. I love you."
THIS IS WHAT OSCAR WILDE WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IF HE HAD LIKED EATING DIRT.
> The Sweet Auburn farmer's market in downtown Atlanta, for
> example, piles its Ziplock packages of white dirt in a basket next
> to the peanuts.
* WOOP WOOP WOOP * CALLBACK ALERT *
New Reclosable Dirt! Also bar-coded for use with your Intelligent Bin!
> People who eat kaolin are not addicted and are not suffering
> from a psychiatric disorder, according to R. Kevin Grigsby,
or so we thought as we couldn't tell what he was saying with a mouthful of dirt.
> a social worker and professor of psychiatry and health behavior at
> the Medical College of Georgia.
> But, he said, little is known about this particular form of pica
> -- the term used to describe the persistent eating of nonfood items.
I.e. swallowing your gum, chewing the wax wrapped around the little cheeses,
eating a Spanish peanut with the brown paper wrapper still on it, or drinking
Orbitz without picking out the dots.
> ``There are many types of pica -- eating burned matches, ice and,
> in this case, earth,'' said Grigsby, the primary author of a recent
> study on kaolin eating in central Georgia.
ICE SHOULD HAVE A WARNING LABEL!!! ICE CREAM TOO!
WARNING: ICE CREAM CONTAINS ICE, SO EATING IT MAKES YOU LEGALLY INSANE!!!
> Grigsby said he and his colleagues discovered they were delving
> into uncharted territory with the study, featured in the February
> issue of the Southern Medical Journal.
> ``No one has really studied kaolin-specific pica,''
New Kaolin-Specific Pica! Now Reclosable! Eat It Persistently!
> he said. ``What we discovered was people were very reluctant to talk
> about chalk eating.''
And I, for one, am glad this is being talked about in real newspapers
here on the Internet where any bozo can reply to it.
> Ms. Bronson was no exception.
> ``It's embarrassing for me. It's embarrassing for my family. But
> if it can help someone, I'm willing to put up with that
> embarrassment,'' she said.
IF ENOUGH PEOPLE ATE DIRT 24 HOURS A DAY THERE WOULD NEVER BE ANY WARS
OR ANYTHING ELSE!!!
> Ms. Bronson, the oldest of 13 children, remembers seeing her
> mother eat kaolin while she was pregnant.
> ``Mama would give us 15 cents and say, `Go up to so-and-so's
> house and get me some chalk,'' she said. ``Naturally, as a child
> you're going to taste it.''
When I was a kid I had one of those Really Idiot-Proof Harmless Boring
Chemistry Sets For Very Young Children, the kind that couldn't possibly
kill you if you ate all of it in one sitting. The three chemicals (only
one of which was included) were salt, sugar, and powdered chalk. They
were labelled with a big red smiley face (because sugar tastes good),
a big red frowney face (because salt tastes bad), and a big red poker face
(because nobody would ever bother eating chalk because it has no taste.)
It took me about five minutes to work through all the experiments and
prove that unlike chalk, salt tastes bad.
(I think the actual point of the set was to prove that some things
dissolve in water and some don't. It really did provide only about
five minutes of ''fun'' and I thought it was for BABIES.)
> She made it through two pregnancies without giving white dirt a
> second thought. It wasn't until years later that she found herself
> pinching a piece here and there. Eventually, she started buying
> bags of her own.
> ``All of the sudden, I'd say within a year, it was like -- `I
> want that.'''
> Now, she said she goes through about three bags a week.
That doesn't mean much until you realize that fifty-pound kitty litter
bags are also clay.
> Grigsby's study found that dirt eating was most common among
> black women in rural areas who were introduced to it by a relative.
THAT'S WHY ALL THOSE MARKETS IN THE BLACK AREAS ARE FILLED WITH ZIP-LOC
BAGS OF CHALK! AND WHY YOU SEE GUYS ON THE STREETCORNER SELLING LITTLE
BAGGIES OF WHITE CHALK POWDER! IT'S A CONSPIRACY TO DILUTE THE PRECIOUS
BOILDY FLUIDS OF THE WHITE RACE SO THE BLACK PEOPLE CAN YELL "HEY HONKIE,
YOU SO CHALKY!" WITHOUT EXAGGERATING!
> The study stressed that physicians need to be made aware of the
> behavior and said additional research was needed to determine the
> scope of the problem and the extent of its health repercussions.
I like how the first part of any public-health study is to determine
whether the problem is more likely to affect white people or black people
so they can decide how to design the poster that will cure the problem forever.
The poster will consist of one or the other of these:
(on a public bus) Hey, bro! Snoop Doggy Dog says hang cool by not
eating dirt! Word!
(in the public library) Dear Esteemed Citizens, Dick van Dyke would like to
remind you not to eat dirt. Just say no to dirt!
...so you see, public-health problems always affect one community more
than the other, which is why posters are always stupid. Of course, maybe
if they had someone other than middle-aged white males designing the
posters to appear to young black women, the posters might be less pathetic.
Until they're actually put up in the bus, because anything stu